#diagnosis denial tw

[compassionatereminders]

ngl how do you stay hopeful about stuff when your family is getting old and you have responsibilities to put up with even when your mental health is getting worse too. like, my untreated + undiagnosed adhd is gonna fuck me up in the long run, but since nobody believes me in this idk how to cope with stuff on my own

sorry for this but idk who else to talk to irl

You can and should do everything YOU can do independently to accept and accommodate your ADHD, even if no one else helps

#chat with kat #ableism tw #diagnosis denial tw #medical neglect tw

[welp-back-on-my-bs]

The demon brothers plus thr angels with a turamatized MC:

TW: each with toutch on differnt abuse/turamas, each charicter will mention the specific ones. Not for details of it, mainly just comfort. Implied murder/near death experience (not for reader or them), our world is really fucked up :>

Lucifer: Physical

- he noticed something was off with you. You spend less time with him than the rest of his brothers, you often hide in your room or with one of the bothers when himself or Satan were angry. So when he saw you did bad on an exam, he asked you to come to his room, and the brothers were worried for

- Lucifer TOUGHT that the ways he disciplined his brothers was fine, until he saw the terror in your eyes, and you begging not to hurt him.

- so he didnt

- instead, he sat on his coutch with you and talked, about why you failed the exam, about why you seemed so... scared of him and Satan

- so, you told him

- that's when he started reevaluating everything he did. He... didn't want his brothers to become this hurt too... and they have expressed being done with the physical punishments...

- so he asked for your help in ways that he could do better with discipline and to help his brothers and you more

- so, you shared some ideas, opening up

- over time the family bond grew stronger because of Lucifer learning to be differnt. To show his brothers a bit more respect

- he never explains why he has changed, that would hurt his pride, and he dosent want you to force yourself to relive that turama again. It's your choice, and he feels bad for dragging it out of you when he didn't know

Mammon: financial

- this man asks anyone for money and is in severe debt, so his presious human would love to help him outta a few tight spots rightttt?

- when you express that you don't loan money, and he is the kind of person as to why you don't, he got curious. Did someone hurt his human? Did they steal from them?-

- so he just- CASUALLY went up to thr human world and found out about what happend

- what's the first thing he did when he learned?

- threatened them into returning everything they owed ya, plus interest♡

- when he is back home, he gives you some extra affection and gets you things aswell

- he is also a little extra protective over you now, and he doesn't bring up his little trip

Levi: denial of problem/diagnosis of nurodiversity

- this man is very autistic, so it was easy for you to bond with him like some of the other brothers

- you are allowed to go to school online with him if you express that you are being overstimulated in class or something of the sort

- when you have whatever need for your nurodiverity caterd to, Levi takes note when he sees you crying at just, the relief you feel

- so, he comforts you, understanding completely, he had to do alot for the bothers to accept and help him do what he needs to do and them learn the same for themselves. So, he is just there for you

- Levi would fight anyone that would dare try to say that you aren't what you are, because he knows.

- he envies Nurotypical people who have it easy

Satan: Verbal

- he notices when you shine away whenever he gets loud and angry, he does his best to control jt so it's not often, but trust me, he notoces

- so, when he next gets mad, he sees the fear in your eyes and calms himself, asking about why you're afraid of him

- when you open up about what happend, he gets angry, not at you, at those who hurt you. He dosent show it tough

- you two go and hangout with some cats at a cat Cafe, he reads to you a novel of your choice, and let's you stay in his bed

- when the time comes, he goes and does some important work in the human world that needs to be done♡

Asmo: r*pe/forced sexualizeation/etc

- he is very confused as to why you never want to be alone with him, or really... any of his brothers-

- and when you are, you try to get someone there, or leave asap

- so, he finally asked, clearly worried and very empathetic, with one of the brothers you trust dearly there too for your comfort

- no matter how much you open up, just by the way you sit and act, he recognizes it, and it breaks his heart

- so now, he makes sure to allways be around you to help you feel safe, either him or someone that you both trust so you don't have to be alone

- he makes damn sure any incubi or succubi haven't done anything without the other person able to consent or go near you aswell, just to be sure♡

Beel: earing disorder/disorderd eating

- beel sees your relationship with food, and completely understand it, he also dosent have the best relationship with food due to his sin

- but... it dosent allways feel like ot that way for him

- so, he acts accordingly depending on what kind of ED you have and does his best to help you

- weather it's to eat less/more to gain/lose weight, he destroys the scale you have and plans out a diet and exercise regiment with you

- if you purge, he does his best to have you not do it, if you still do, he helps you trough it

- if you have disorders eating, well he gets food with you often and makes sure you eat it

- he just cares and wants you to be happy

Belphie: insomnia

- he sleeps his days away, so when he notices you're not asleep, or it's short, he checks in

- if it's turama related, he'll lend and ear and promise to make sure you have lovely dreams, if you'll be his pellow

- if you just have a hard time sleeping, or don't share, he offers to give you magically induced sleep, if you can be his pellow(he really likes em cuddles Kay?)

- you get the best sleep ever, and he makes sure you dream peacefully every night, and are able to wake up when it's needed

- he also asks if you wanna nap with him and will do the same then

Simeon and Luke: Religion

- they notice that you're distant to them compared to anyone else, Luke takes complete and utter offense to this, while Simeon is worried

- when they confront you about this and your experiences, Luke is livid that humans have done that in the name of a higher power/their father

- Simeon apologizes, reaffirming that what they did isn't right

- Luke hugs you tightly and often stays by you now, guveibg you some sweets he made aswell

- they dont force themselves onto you tough, if you ask them to leave they will do so

#obey me #obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer

[luminae-system]

(Danny, as almost always, speaking)

Venty ramble-ish post of the day under the cut as promised in the update (ended up a long post, sorry)

If anyone wants a quick summary, there is a tldr bolded and green at the bottom! Would love some advice if anyone is nice enough to share their experiences and stuff.

Tw: General negative thinking, obsessive/repetitive thinking, ocd-like tendencies, lots of self-doubt, system doubt/self denial, brief neglect(? Descriptions, brief abuse mention (tell us if we missed something else)

I've been thinking of System Origins (xyz-genic) lately. Something about messy thoughts and obsessive patterns and stuff, our psychiatrist calls it "cow chewing" or something like that (since January, our memory has been shit, sorry).

So. I'm afraid to label us as traumagenic because like, as I mentioned in the notes of a reblog this week, we never went through traditional abuse, we had food and education and shelter and all that good stuff.

Maybe mom was down in the dumps herself, and dad was always away on a buissness trip, not to mention mom having to deal with three kids at the same time... so we never really got enough love and attention. We were loved ofc, and I am grateful for all mom did for us.

But like... her best wasn't enough in many ways, that's why we're in therapy since like 11 and always go off the deep end whenever we try to go long periods without a session (monthly sessions seems to be the stretch/limit). And well, we have more diagnoses than fingers in one hand already, wonderful! So funny! Amazing! /sarcasm

So, anyways, back to the topic. We never really lacked anything, were never abused, and the emotional neglect wasn't thaaat bad and totally not on propose. So... was it enough to form a traumagenic CDD system? Are we really disordered?

I do have emotional amnesia in the rare times we've managed to get someone else to be the main fronter, and we do have some ptsd symptoms but like... we do have a separate ptsd diagnosis bc of my ex-bf (another story/post, bad bad guy) and the childhood ptsd-like symptoms are nowhere in the same level as when we first got the diagnosis of the other ptsd.

And looking at posible diagnosis, Partial DID (pdid) is so so so close to what we experience! That's like, us! Main frontstuck host with other headmates acting as 'advisors' and less fronting and more passive influence and co-conciousness (even if we are monoconcious, it's a bit weird, don't wanna think too hard about it)

But like... I didn't start having "multiple people in my head" until like I was 14. Or atleast being conscious of it I guess. That's way past the age threshold for identity consolidation and thus traumagenic system formation...

So are we "disordered enough" to qualify as a disordered/CDD system? Would we make a mockery of "real" disordered systems to self-diagnose that?

I've been thinking of sharing with our current psychologist. The last one dismissed my concerns and said I was being a hypochondriac (god, it's always that excuse! Even with our physical health, which, yes, another post/story).

I'm scared of being wrong. What if I really am just talking to myself and making a sorta tulpamancy thing on accident? Ofc nothing wrong with that, but it would change our system dynamics a lot.

On the flipside, if we really are a traumagenic system... now what? I doubt there are any specialized psychologists for systems in our town... so yeah. Not sure what we would do after a hypothetical informal/formal diagnosis by our psychologist and/or psychiatrist.

Gosh. This is... a lot. And I tried to be brief. Sorry, and if anyone did read it all, thank you so much for caring about us! (Or being curious I guess lol). I'd love some advice

So, tldr: No abuse, only some emotional neglect on accident. Is it trauma enough for traumagenic? We disordered enough for a diagnosis? What if yes? What if not?

-----------------------

Bonus info for anyone(s) who want to give us advice (thank you!!!!)

System of 3

One front-stuck host and two "advisors"

Daena is a sorta reformed persecutor and sorta trauma holder?

Aelius is our protector (he is taking a long nap/trip somewhere in the brain, miss him)

Danny (me) and Daena are two sides of the same coin, share a lot of traits and stuff even if personality is different, basically like a median system.

Aelius is fully separate from us gals

Dissociation has been very common since we were a very young kid, especially derealization, though depersonalization did happen a lot too. Therapy has helped a lot in terms of grounding

Not much in terms of Amnesia I think? Like, maybe I'm not aware of something, but we do remember our childhood well enough to tell anecdotes and funny stories

We do have emotional amnesia tho, mostly with taking care of the body and household chores (remembering something but like, I did not do that. The memory spawned by itself???)

Uhhh ask for more details if needed!!!

#-Danny #Danny✨️ #// #luminar rambles #pluralgang #tw syscourse #syscourse tw #<- ? (just in case) #luminae system #tw vent #tw spiral #tw spiraling #long post under the cut #pdid #partial did #questioning system #< ? i guess #tw neglect #tw abuse

[lostcitysystem]

As someone who knew they had BPD and ASD before they were diagnosed (literally years and years later), it saddens me that so many people are anti-self diagnosis (with proper research).

When I started researching about possible disorders, I did so because I was ignored by medical professionals, invalidated by therapists and psychiatrists alike and forced by my parents to not get an ASD diagnosis in my teen years. It was never because I wanted some ~cool~ ~quirky~ disorder to make me special, it was because my symptoms were so overwhelming that I knew something had to be up.

Through my literal years of research, self doubt and genuine agony from having no support for my symptoms, self diagnosis was deeply comforting and allowed me to kick-start learning about how to manage my disorders before being diagnosed. Hell, when I did get diagnosed, on both occasions the tests they gave me were ones I’d done hundreds of times before and I was genuinely surprised that they seemed to know less about these disorders than I did. Sure maybe not in terms of neurology or biology but in terms of actual psychology, it felt like I knew more than they did about these disorders.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that if you’re self-diagnosed (with proper research), you are incredibly valid- even if you don’t get a diagnosis later (which can happen for all sorts of reasons like sexism, racism, not having enough money etc). Trust your gut. When you know something is wrong, it probably is and your research can be just as valid as that done by medical professionals.

-Blue🌌

(!!TW for self diagnosis denial in the comments!! Not saying this because of anger or any kind of bad feeling toward a particular person, just adding this because many people find it triggering)

#blue🌌 #self diagnosis #self dx #pro self dx #pro self diagnosis #self diagnosed #BPD #ASD #OSDD #OSDD 1B #DID

[qweei]

I've started to notice two types of shitty autism parenting and i wanna talk about it though it might be pretty generalizing

tw for overall shitty parents, emotional neglect.

type A: the denial parent

aka the "refuse to acknowledge that their perfect little child is in fact autistic". they will constantly go on and on about how "mild" and perfectly "normal" they are and "not like those autistics"

they completely see autism/disability as a bad thing and even the word itself is dirty to them, so they'll use every other term but those two like "special, superpower, aspie ("they have aspergers not autism!") etc etc. constantly whenever their child's autism is brought up around others, will feel the need to compensate for it, like bringing up their achievements and things they can do, whether that'd be how they have a job, got into a good school etc. as if autistic people can't do that. because they refuse to acknowledge any of the child's weaknesses or flaws, they will never actually do anything to help them, might even scold them for this.

no one needs to compensate for anything, nor feel any shame for just straight up being who they are, this goes for everyone but especially neurodivergent/disabled ppl. not to go psychoanalyze anyone but many autistic ppl i've meet with these kinds of parents/ or just in general share the same view points mentioned, just always end up having so much built of rage, self hatred and completely lack any self acceptance.

type b: hopeless/self-pity parent

usually the parent of a early diagnosed autistic child, whom almost immediately after being diagnosed just straight up gives up on them. "oh well, what can i do..." *proceeds to emotionally neglect and refuse to raise their child*

like type a, they see autism as a bad thing, something that will forever just be forced to deal with. despite acknowledging their child's diagnosis, it's not acceptance, not at all. often you'll hear them talk about how hard it is for them personally, basically searching for pity points despite never actually putting any effort into being their for their kid. even worse, if the parent has another children who are neurotypical, they will VERY clearly treat them a lot better than their neurodivergent one.

these kinds of parents never actually put any effort in growing close with their autistic kid, like they're needs, what they like doing etc, so when they do act out because of their needs never being met, instead of trying to understand or help them they just go "it's their autism"

parents like this often from the outside gain a lot of pity from other parents, because to them the child is just acting out for no other reason than them being autistic and that's just something their parent simply "can't" do anything about it! (news flash: they can!)

ofc you can't get rid of your child's autism, it's simply just a part of them, however that doesn't mean that child doesn't need to raised or giving support like idk every other child? big fucking surprise of but autism isn't the reason your child is violent or an asshole. you neglecting their emotional needs and rather spending all your time complaining does! i understand it can be hard to raise/take care of someone who's autistic, hell it's hard in general to raise any kid, but my sympathy falls flat when instead of trying help you just blame everything on their autism.

though just wanna say that, most parents i've met who fall under this catagory, i wouldn't consider emotionally neglect or abusive to that severe of an extent. i have however noticed a pattern of parents who despite their child being diagnosed, just never actually put any effort into learning about it or understanding their child? aka basically gives up. they usually only listen to what professionals / ppl who work with autistic ppl have to say about their child, which can be very harmful since those people (in my experience) 80% of the time have no clue what they are even talking about.

#autism parenting #autism #actually autistic #neurodivergency #asd #autism spectrum

[chronicbeans]

The Hall of Addiction

A "Tales from the Iolite Hospital" story

TW: Mentions of Substance Abuse (Drugs), Smoking, Alcoholism, Behavioral Addictions (Gambling, Television/Internet Consumption, Maladaptive Daydreaming), Denial

It is kind of odd how this place has a "Hall of Addiction" and no psychiatrists or psychologists to care for us. They have kind of just... Abandoned us here. Even stranger is how I got here. One second, I am driving on my way to work, next, I am here. Well, I was outside the hospital, lying on the red grass... Same difference.

I don't deserve to be here, either! I am NOT an addict. How can one be addicted to daydreaming? Everyone daydreams! They said it themselves! This "Maladaptive Daydreaming" they speak of is not an official diagnosis, so that means that I CANNOT be addicted to such a thing. I may daydream heavily, but that is not an addiction.

I wake up in the bed they provided me at the very end of the Hall of Addiction. I am, apparently, on the "Behavioral" side of the hall, alongside the gamblers, telly addicts, Internet addicts, and more. On the other side, there are the addicts who are addicted to substances, including alcohol, cigarettes, cigars, drugs and the likes. The people on the other side of the hall are considered to be on the "Smoking, Alcohol, and Other Drugs" side. I do not like associating with any of my peers in this hall. I am not their peer. I am not an addict. They only get in the way of my fantasizing.

I cannot find the motivation to get out of bed for an hour. It is not that I do not look forward to the day. Far from it. It shall be a day of great fantasy. No, I just get distracted by the most marvelous daydream of being a king that rules over the land of... whatever the name of the land shall be. I have money, power, love, and even a few little children of my own. I don't notice the hour going by. In fact, it is only once Rick, one of the addicts from the Smoking section, comes in to tell me that it is breakfast that I get up.

During breakfast, I barely touch my food. Everyone is too loud, which ruins my concentration on my dream. I decide to take my food to my room, where I stare at it as I imagine that I am the king at a banquet, where I give toast to my lovely bride. I only take a few bites, before I become too engrossed to continue eating. I stand, acting out my lovely dream. I say "To good fortune, health, and love for all in my kingdom!" as I pace around my room, pretending to give toast to all the knights, nobles, and peasants that came to my feast.

I completely forget about lunch, then just barely make it to dinner. Hours go by as I swim in my mind. I am not an addict. This is perfectly normal. Everyone is like this. I eat a few pieces of meat from my stew, hearing Angelica from the gambling section mutter "Is he alright? He is so skinny..." as she points to me. Someone replies "He is still in denial. He says he has no problem. He daydreams so much, he wastes hours of his life. He forgets to eat, sleep, or even shower. Poor guy... he hasn't even gotten to step one of recovering. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. You cannot help a man that doesn't want it, though, Angelica." I snap, turning my head as I yell at the liars "It is rude to talk behind a person's back, you know?! I am NOT like you all! I am NOT an addict! I HAVE NO PROBLEM!"

Then, I stand, storming back to my room without a word. I start my pacing, again, returning to the comforting hold of my fantasy. Today, it was being royalty. Who knows what I shall come up with tomorrow? Shall I be a mad scientist, experimenting with my creation? Shall I be an artist at a museum? Or will I be a detective solving a murder mystery? Anything is all right, as long as I am not me. I shall live my life as anyone other than me, because if I am not me, I can do whatever I want.

I am not an addict.

#my original story #my stories #my ocs #Tales from the Iolite Asylum

[purpleflameb0i]

Sooooooo

I made a list of some traumas and symptoms I have to show my therapist because I have a PTSD diagnosis but questioning if I really have c-PTSD

here it is as of rn

(TW for abuse, alcoholism, suicide, trauma in general)

-Dad constantly angry since I was a small lil one

-Scared by him

-He had severe mental illness for a while

-Never really in the picture

-Alcoholism point reached when I was 11

-Abuse

-Alcoholic for years afterwards

-I heard that a parent being an alcoholic is pretty much child abuse

-Deal with his anger for years afterwards

-I’m scared by change of tone and scared by hints of anger

-Can barely remember childhood

-Scared to dig deeper

-Don’t know if I can dig deeper

-Triggered by alcoholism, abuse, suicide

-Subtly excluded at school for a while, felt excluded and ignored by friends

-Trauma feels more like a series of events rather than one big event

-Anger issues during middle school

-Denial and feeling like everything isn’t bad enough/ wanting things to be worse so I can feel “valid”

-Emotional dysfunction, can’t really keep up relationships (isolation), negative view of myself (cptsd symptoms)

-Constant dissociation 

-Disconnected from younger self / reflection in mirror doesn't feel like me

-Afraid to be wrong, feel stupid when I feel that I’m wrong

-Extremely bothered by betrayal (traumatized by a friend betraying me) 

-Risk upped by inability to escape home, abuse caused by loved one, trauma at early age

#cptsd #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw childhood trauma #actually traumatized #ptsd #tw suicide #alcoholism tw

[pro-birth]

Since the pro-choice movement is losing steam on faulty arguments, denial of pregnancy discrimination, and misinformation on child rape, it seems they are turning instead to miscarriage mismanagement.

I have discussed this before already (you can check my tags #miscarriage tw and others), so I won’t get too detailed here. But something that bothers me with these “sympathetic” articles is that they are missing a huge point: the doctors failing women relied HEAVILY on abortion as a form of obstetric care.

Careful protocols have been created and utilized by pro-life care providers/medical organizations/conferences that show how to care for patients without abortion: terminal diagnosis, cancer treatment, ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, etc. Most pro-life medical experts have attested, and many patients agree, that their methods are safe, effective, and give dignity to every patient involved. They never fear the law because they know they have nothing to fear — and why should they? They are familiar with the medicine they have promoted for literally decades now.

The problem is that pro-abortion doctors in pro-life states don’t typically associate with pro-life medicine, do they? Instead of feeling confident in the law and applying medical interventions as necessary, they put women’s lives at risk to cover their ass. Then these cases are promoted as faults of the anti-abortion laws without actually focusing on shit doctors.

I am frustrated by this, and am currently working on a letter to send to AAPLOG for a formal statement, and to ask how they plan to educate providers in a post-Roe world. We have already seen social justice and legal justice improve in some places because abortion was dismissed as a faulty solution. Imagine what we can do once we make abortion irrelevant in medical practice.

I’ll let everyone know when the letter is done. I plan to attach a petition to it asking AAPLOG to make the statement + come up with a plan to address these issues.

#pro abort hypocrisy #ranting #birth justice

[disability-confessions]

tw ableism

Sometimes I just... don't feel like a part of the disabled community.

I know I have some kind of physical disability, most likely fibromyalgia. But it's just really hard to get a diagnosis, being a minor AND having not-so-great parents who tell me that all this pain is normal. It's not. I know it's not.

But other people can't feel my pain.

Although I probably should use a mobility aid, I don't have one, due to a general not being able to get it (see above). Because it is generally assumed that people with disabilities have mobility aids with them at all times, no one knows I am disabled. It is hard to tell people I am disabled too, because I have no doctor's stuff or anything! I know I am though, I know it.

Someone has to believe me.

No one does. At least not where I live.

They think I'm stupid. They see me enter the room, and they still say nasty shit about me. Usually about my unathleticism; although I do exercise, I am fat and disabled, so exercise is hard.

No one I know IRL is part of the disabled community. The only people who I know would believe me are on Tumblr.

I'm scared and angry.

I just want someone to accept me.

Hello anon,

Apologies for taking so long to respond but I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I wish I could provide some sort of help but all I can provide is comforting words. You shouldn’t have to go through this denial of basic healthcare. I also struggle with getting a diagnosis and being told by my parents that it’s “normal”, I can assure you it’s not “normal”. You should not be consistently in pain in any part of your body. The only “excuse” is that sometimes for AFAB people it is normal for them to have period pains but that’s all, and in some causes that’s not even normal.

I am sorry you don’t feel apart of the disabled community, I can assure you that you absolutely are, no matter what your disability is. Even if it’s as simple as a speech disorder then you are apart of the disabled community. If anyone says otherwise then they are outright wrong. Even if you don’t have mobility aids it doesn’t make you disabled either, I personally don’t have mobility aids (I usually don’t need to use them thankfully), but I am still disabled. There are plenty of disabled people who don’t have mobility aids and no matter what if you don’t have mobility aids it doesn’t make you less valid. I hope you are able to get some help soon, whether it be just some mobility aids and not a diagnosis, anything helps.

I am sorry you are being told you are “stupid”, you aren’t, I am sorry you are being told nasty things, you shouldn’t be. I am sorry you are scared, I wish I could do more to help. Just know that I do accept you, even if I’m just one random stranger on the internet I do accept you and I believe you.

-Admin T

#confession #disability #disability confession #disabled #fibromyalgia #tw ableism #mobility aid

[anti-endo-safe-space]

Tw: childhood trauma, dissasociation, eating disorders

I just recently figured out that i am in a system, while i am still figuring things out and creating a healthier pattern of life to accomodate us all, i cant help but think ive but suppressed the thought of even being one, afraid of faking, thinking im posing for attention to have this disorder that affects all of us daily, the quarelling over items, the need to hold back some of our impulsive wants and needs and the denial that "i wasn't abused" until a fellow sys pointed out to us that the fact that i have to hide my entire internet life from my own parents, the fact that they will probably disown us if we came out, the fact that the only reason why we still have a even slight positive connotation with them is because some of us are taking in all the intense emotions and memories of abuse we had when its bad, really bad. So that the littles and the middles could still have a good relationship with my parents. The dissasociation, the emotional rollercoaster, the body dysphoria, the feeling of not recognising your own reflection, the need to mask our identity of being a system ontop of masking our neurodivergence. The hours of laying in bed wasting time because were paralyzed by the amount of bickering and the repressed sadness and pain and anger and fear and paranoia and mania and unhealthy obsessiveness, the feeling of losing yourself everytime you blink, the fear of a protector and or prosecutor lashing out in public and possibly getting us into trouble. Thoughts, emotions, the self-doubt the noise the frustration, the hours of broken sleep patterns down to our unhealthy cravings of food when things get bad. The fear of rejection and the need to hide, the expectations, the fear of not deserving love because you think this is all just your measly attempt at copying peoples quirks because you're lonely, the unreasonable fears the memory loss the cacophony of the argument of what to do as you stand there frozen like a deer in the headlights unable to form a coherent sentence to respond as all of you fight to who gets to voice theirs to react to the situation, the fear of being rejected the constant mind-haze, the fear of being invalidated because you fit right into the stereotypes of having "evil" alters, the fact that we have a high fictive count and that we are young and dont have a formal medical diagnosis because it is inaccesible to us at the current time.

And to think, to some people this disorder is just a game, a side thing, a little hobby to get into and get out of when you eventually get bored and toss away your toys like unwanted dolls. The fact that these people might contribute to why weve been repressed for so long due to their standards.

I wonder how you come up with wild shit like that, i wonder how people could face themselves in the mirror every morning without being restless every night thinking about their own validity, but they do, and i think that upset me

Sorry for the long vent/rant OPs

-🍎🦖

Hey don't be sorry, we're here for long vents/rants

We aren't entirely sure what to say. We are so sorry you had to find out and deal with the negative parts of being a system, it isn't all fun and games like some people seem to think.

#-🍎🦖 #anti endo #endos dni #anti endo supporter #endos aren't real #endos fuck off #actually dissociative #actually system #plural system #actually plural #traumagenic system #traumagenic #actually traumagenic #hate using endo terms but in this case it gets attention #system #sysblr #syscussion #syscource #sysconversation #syscourse

[compassionatereminders]

A vent :( I'm having trouble with getting doctors to believe me. I'm someone who can't show emotions intensely no matter how intense I feel them, I'm probably masking a lot because of past trauma which causes everyone to think I'm lying when I say I struggle with something. I probably have bipolar II, not self diagnosing yet but I'm close to being sure, me and every friend around me notice when I have a hypomanic episode. I'm normally a calm and slow (physically) person, that's why it's so obvious when I start to become a hyper, energetic, angry and overly productive. Especially being too angry caused me to lose friends. It's not 1 or 2. I lost so many friends, I ruined so many things. It still hurts. My mother told me she's afraid of my reactions etc. When I told my psychiatrist about this, he was like "I'm sorry but I don't think you're capable of feeling that angry. You seem so calm." This happened with other psychiatrists too, like, one of them told me "You look fine, why did you come here?" when I entered the room. Without even talking to me. Who does that???? I know I don't have a choice but to search for someone who'll believe me but this is so frustrating. I know I'm not lying. It just gives me a huge impostor syndrome as if I didn't have enough problems. I hate it.

Oh my god, I'm so fucking sorry you have to battle so many ableist assholes while trying to get the help you need! I absolutely HATE when doctors judge you by how "normal" you seem when they first meet you like that's so goddamn ableist and unprofessional of them

#chat with kat #ableism tw #invalidation tw #medical neglect tw #diagnosis denial tw

[storysimmers]

TW: Mentions of PTSD

Stephanie forced the boys to talk to a therapist not too long after the separation was announced. Each boys' therapist was able to start helping with the healing process and building their toolboxes to cope with such big changes. Upon suggestion, Elliot met with a psychiatrist.

Elliot was diagnosed with CPTSD, stemming from protecting his brother from their parents' sporadic and traumatic screaming matches growing up. He carried the burden of caring for his mother after every fight, cheering her up so she would stop crying. Elliot didn't want to accept the diagnosis at first. He had to be coaxed by his mother that if he wouldn't continue attending therapy that he had to at least get on SSRIs to help manage his CPTSD. Elliot has been hanging out with Annaliese all week but hasn't breathed a word about it to her, still in denial about the whole thing.

Leo was diagnosed with General Anxiety, constantly feeling on edge around his family. He always feels the need to please his parents so as to keep them happy and too distracted to fight with each other. For now, he's able to manage it via the tools he's learned in therapy but the whole situation makes him feel so small. He has been hanging out at the Kelley-Knight residence more and more. Giselle isn't complaining and likes it when they have moments to themselves but she is worried Leo unknowingly might be using her as a distraction.

#sims 4 story #willow creek gang #sims4legacy #sims 4 screenshots #ts4 story #storysimmers #sims 4 #sims #moserlegacy #showusyoursims #the sims #the sims 4 #the sims community #thesims4 #the sims4 #ts4 simblr #sims 4 simblr #simblr

[memoriesofthecircularroom]

A Farewell For Now

Hello All! I've been working on this final post for a little bit, and well. I think I'm ready today. It's why I cleared out my inbox so much, and why I have been so distant (which was a really good, healthy experience for me actually).

But I'm not ready to leave syscourse fully. I still have a lot to say about it. So, here it is - my big, final post.

For those not interested in my big long post, but wondering what's next for me, I'll be making a short post soon mentioning everything. I just want to get this out of the way.

This post started as a retelling of my experiences leaving radically inclusive pro-endogenic spaces. However, as I was writing it, it became more just… a trip down memory lane (lol, puns). It’s opened my eyes a lot to who I used to be, who I recently was, and who I want to be soon. 

While this is tagged as syscourse, I would appreciate it if you left debates off this post. You’re welcome to reblog and interact, but I want to remind everyone that this is my personal experience. Any general statements about behavior are directed at people I had interaction with. 

TW ahead for... yikes. Everything? Yeah. Just a generalized TW here for all of the content on my blog for the past 5 years.

I think it’s most important to start with context here. I joined the DID/OSDD Tumblr community around 2017. I was 19 years old, and WOEFULLY undereducated. I had a DSM-iii from the school library (the one that still had MPD as a diagnosis) and the internet at my disposal, along with overprotective parents that regularly spied on me and who I am certain checked my browsing history. At the time, Rice was a host of the system. She came out of hiding, stuck around for longer… but genuinely, I don’t think it was super healthy for her. 

Link to Post

This was her first ever post on our DID blog. Mind you, we were not influenced by any other sources yet. This was from our own understanding. Rice didn’t switch out of the front anymore consciously, and the others rarely fronted. This, to her, based on our ignorant research, meant everyone was integrated (which she used to mean the word “fused” - and both words were inaccurate for what we were actually experiencing) and that she somehow didn’t have DID anymore because of it. 

SO… we entered the DID community with a LOT of stupid preconceptions. That’s the point of that screenshot. 

I started out by just reblogging pictures, memes, etc. Just barely starting to dip my toes into the DID/OSDD community. I gave advice when it was applicable to my own life, but given that I was so misinformed on other topics, people were… understandably wary. 

Around this time, I also created a sideblog of mine, probablydidrpgideas. I was just trying to find fun in a life that was quickly spiraling out of my control - I was terrified of having a mental disorder, likely because of internalized ableism. It just sounded so horrible. So I tried to make light of it, and tried to enjoy myself. I don’t regret that part, but then I tried my hand at “spreading information.” Yeah. THAT went great. I’d include a post here, but it was deleted after a system came after me for it. 

The first time I consciously started stepping into syscourse, the first time I participated was… well. 

Here. Link.

I was in denial. I didn’t realize that what I had been through (what little I remember of it) even counted. I knew high school was hard for me, but that was AFTER the cut off age. So this was me, trying to question, genuinely, when that “cut off” was. They responded genuinely and with good information, and kindly too. And my response was…

Link

Up until this point, I had only seen hate. I had seen endos - who claimed to be similar to me - who were being harassed. I saw systems - who, like me, claimed to not have trauma before a specific age - being harassed by people like this person, who claimed DID only happened before a certain age. They suggested I seek therapy, and that if I wasn’t traumatized, I may be experiencing something else. I reacted VERY poorly, like the uneducated (terrified) teenager I was. 

Because of this, and a few other factors, I moved into endogenic spaces. OSDD/DID spaces didn’t accept me, particularly because there were a lot of things about my system that made people doubt my existence. I was a supposed DID system who had “completely fused” in one year without any therapy, but still had alters fronting, who claimed to have formed without trauma (denial is a hell of a drug) and who had genuinely no idea what they were talking about. 

Proof of not knowing what I was talking about: my description of what it meant to be “integrated” 😥

I continued to interact with those who disagreed with endogenic plurality, primarily because I wanted to understand where they were coming from. If I WAS a traumagenic system, then surely I should understand???

Link (tw sh mention)

This was the first time I was fully fakeclaimed. Fair warning, it’s a loooong post and goes into a lot of back and forth. But this was what, ultimately, cemented me as a radically inclusive system. At this point, I was at least OPEN to the idea of being traumatized. So having someone tell me I was just RPing… It hurt. And it all started cause, looking back, I was immature and uninformed - as are the majority of new systems. This person - this JACKASS - looked at me, a clearly fucked up individual, and continued to believe the worst of me. 

I applied that belief to all anti-endos. And I ran to endogenic spaces to feel… safe. 

Endo spaces felt safe. I felt accepted, because, well, they accepted everyone! This was also at the same time I was exploring my gender and sexuality, and when I started falling in love with my nonbinary partner. Endogenic spaces kept comparing the trauma debate to LGBT+ debates. “They say trauma ALWAYS causes systems, just because they’ve never heard of it happening elsewhere!! That’s the same argument as Nonbinary people not existing because you’ve never heard of it!!” (Note: it’s not the same argument.)

It was so easy to become a pro-endo. I could talk for hours about why, but it boils down to feeling accepted and wanted. When I first started looking into things (uneducated, as the post said), I could not comprehend why people were excluding others. “Surely, if so many people say they have a disorder but don’t have trauma, that’s valid, because *I* have this disorder without trauma.” Again. Denial. 

It’s funny because, looking back, I remember things much clearer. I didn’t reblog much from Endogenics at first - largely because I didn’t want harassment. I was more fragile then than I am now, which is clearly saying something. It’s funny too, because I had very similar stances. Just… in an immature way. 

Link

Even by 2019, I wasn’t really certain where I stood. I knew I accepted all the identities I was coming across, but I also had my doubts about how healthy this all was. I didn’t strongly participate in syscourse, even then, but I scrolled it a LOT. I spent way too much of my life on tumblr. Also by this point, I was as stressed out as I had ever been - I was a senior in college, just turning 21 by now, fully realizing I’m traumagenic by this point (even if I didn’t fully accept it), and going through the most stressful goddamn year of my life. My symptoms were getting worse, and… I was always so angry. 

I scrolled major pro endo blogs. I scrolled major anti endo blogs. I was disgusted by what I saw, daily, because here the Evil Traumagenics were - supposedly MY people - bashing endos - who to me, were just existing. “Words change - why can’t they use those words?” I was so frustrated. I just wanted people to leave each other alone. 

Link

As you can see - I actually subscribed to some anti-endo beliefs by now. I acknowledged that some Endogenics have trauma. I just wasn’t outspoken at all, because I knew the harassment my friends in the pro-endo community got. I still considered myself strongly pro-endo, mostly because everyone else did, and partly because… I support endos. I always had. 

It wasn’t until November/December of 2019 that I really fell deeply into tumblr and started drowning in syscourse. Notably, that’s during thanksgiving/winter break - when I was home with my abusers. I started reblogging more from anti-endos (at least, the ones who I agreed with) and started separating DID/OSDD from Endogenics. 

Link

It was also at this time that I began to hate the community. 

Link

I was constantly angry by now. Syscourse was on my dash daily. And of course, quarantine didn’t help. I kept diving further and further into things I didn’t understand. 

Link

2020, November, was where I finally, finally started looking into other arguments. What did people mean when they advocated for non-shared spaces? What were they fighting for? I began reblogging from anti-endos. 

Link (Long post, no screenshot here)

But I slipped back into this. Angry place. I couldn’t shake that anger. And then… the INSTANT 2021 hit… I started turning that anger towards others, very very heavily. 

Link

I started to shift more neutral (slowly, very slowly), but still considered myself pro-endo because I supported them. But I reacted so negatively anytime anyone said ANYTHING negative about Endogenics. I genuinely couldn’t understand what harm they did. Mind you, this was already after I had crashed my car due to their beliefs, had Endogenics tell me I was a mixed-origin system at best, etc etc. i just couldn’t understand how people could be upset at a group of people just trying to exist and get support. 

I held onto my anger for too long. 

[I would post more screenshots, but it won't let me at this point. I'll be providing links from hereon out).

Link: (what even was the point of this? All to hold a grudge? Is that it?)

May was where things started to shift. I was so angry all the time that it was exhausting me. I spent hours of my day on tumblr, scrolled my entire dashboard at least 4 times a day, and scrolled through syscourse tags with obsessive focus. I was stuck now stuck at home, every day, all day, with my abusers. It was a crutch. 

I was so tired. And I started shifting to neutrality: not giving a shit anymore, because giving a shit was… god. It was exhausting. 

Link: This is where I started identifying as "plural" rather than the other terms, as I was so annoyed and frustrated by syscourse.

That didn’t stop me from being a disgusting, hate filled person to defend the people I have been with for so long, however. 

https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/650492132308746240/cant-reply-so-doing-it-this-way-this-here  (This entire post was just... So sickening. I just made comparisons to being gay as a way to defend how the DSM changes and isn’t correct and just. Ugh.) 

I hate scrolled anti-endo blogs (that I sometimes reblogged from, because. I agree with the things I reblogged.) I tried to do positivity to cheer myself up - which didn’t last.  I made positivity posts for Endogenics that got shat on by people, which just increased my anger. Everything just. Need more anger. I knew I wanted to stop, but I COULDN’T because god, everything was making me so angry, and here I was, with nowhere to put it - but in syscourse. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/655709219852615680/honey-im-blocking-people-thats-it-im-not 

It just kept getting worse. And worse. And worse. I kept fluctuating between a very aggressive pro-endo and a very dead inside “neutral.” 

And then I changed. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/672094051347070976/thanks-so-much-for-explaining-it-that-way-that 

@justanothersyscourse. You… heard my anger, and frustration, and you replied kindly. And while it itched inside, burned, to be talking to someone I had frequently complained about in private, you offered safety on the other side. Safety for me to research, to understand, to see. All I ever wanted, originally, was to understand. You have us that chance. 

The rest of tumblr never saw it - but Dude (the owner of that blog) sat with me for a half hour or so in DMs while I bawled my eyes out in a Covid testing line and as I tried to work out where I stood on the “disordered / dysfunctional” debate. He made me feel like someone understood for once; agreed that BOTH sides are toxic, and that BOTH sides have such majors flaws. I felt at the time that everybody hated me, because every post I made for backlash. Every post I made got people upset. I never got “good anons.” I never got asks at all. Just… people reblogging and telling me I was fake. 

Dude opened me up to actually breathing again. 

That was in December, 2021. About 6 months ago. Half a year. And it was the first time I felt less angry. 

Dude being kind made me look at other anti-endo blogs. I found kind people, through dude - and unkind people too. But I agreed with all of them, at first, and considered myself anti-endo in January. I started tagging posts as anti-endo infrequently. That lasted a little bit (though I oscillated the entire month between pro and anti). 

Jan 10: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/673028376279302144/genuinely-not-sure-how-i-feel-about-endo-systems 

Also Jan 10, in response to that post: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/673035335340539904/if-your-support-for-a-whole-demographic-changes 

I voiced my struggles regularly with this oscillation. Another thank you has to go to Agony - I sent so many anonymous asks to the Agony Auncles during this time in hope of some guidance, and I received it. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/674571799196041217/you-can-feel-free-to-delete-this-if-youd-like 

I started feeling a little better, but I’ve realized now why: I felt better because I could RECOGNIZE my anger now. Before, I didn’t even recognize my anger. Now, I did - but I wasn’t sure how to solve it. 

In February, I tried to step back, just like I did very recently.

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/676399663864266752/hey-message-from-mod-curtis-here-were-going-to 

I couldn’t though. I couldn’t stop scrolling syscourse; especially when I still had to be home. It was so much harder now, I was building up to coming out, so I hid in my phone and tried to ignore everything. I used syscourse to hide. 

I started trying to generalize my posts more - maybe if I wasn’t directly supporting either side, that anger (conscious or not) would die down. 

This… this, I think, is where hell broke loose. 

I started calling myself “neutral” - I didn’t fit cleanly into either of the boxes people appeared to have made. I started arguing “both sides are bad and here are their flaws” - and a very small group of people agree with me!! It’s been lovely having that group. 

The tumblr community, however…

Ugh. I don’t think I want to even dig anymore. Anyone who’s been reading this far likely already knows how these past few months went for me. I posted a lot of takes, got both support and heinous amounts of harassment. I was lightly threatened with Doxxing from the pro-endo doxxer, was told to kill myself numerous times, and went toe-to-toe with major pro-endo players. 

Nothing I did these past few months feels productive. Not anymore, at least. During the moment, it felt good - but I suppose self harm usually does, in the moment. It’s funny; I frequently make sure to remind people to step away from syscourse when it’s hurting them. So why is it so hard for me to do the same? 

I realized, when writing this post, just how damaging it’s all been for me. I started writing this post from a place of, what I’ll call it here, “boiling anger education.” I’ve frequently said that you cannot educate when you are just angry, and I still hold to that - but I wasn’t doing better myself. I didn’t realize I was so angry, so hateful, until I finally, finally managed to fully step away and see the bigger picture. 

I took a walk outside for the first time in months on Thursday. It was incredible. I started drawing again - granted, for system related things, but it’s been so refreshing. I started writing again, because I wasn’t busy refreshing my notifications to make sure nobody had misinterpreted what I said now, to make sure I didn’t need to respond to someone to clarify my point. 

It’s been about a week (I think - time is so hard for me to keep track of. It feels simultaneously like yesterday, and like years ago) since I wrote the post that made me step back. Genuinely, I don’t know how to feel about the take I made there. I don’t think it’s beneficial to even address it here; I’m not healthy enough for that yet. I think it would be a disservice, to myself and to others, to address it here. I always say “if you aren’t educated on the topic, you can share your thoughts and personal feelings, but you can’t give information.” I want to stand by that here, especially since I haven't been lately.

Looking back, Memories of the Circular Room has changed. That’s a good thing, in a lot of ways. It started as a way to me to learn more, to post about my experiences, and to become comfortable with my system. I believe I’ve done those things. I also believe it’s changed me for the worse - the syscourse, the hate, the anger I’ve held onto. 

I think MotCR served me well. But I also think I’m not that person anymore. I don’t need to remember anymore. I don’t need to be stuck in who I was, or who I was becoming. I can change, and grow, and hopefully, I can be kind. That’s all I wanted, back then: someone to be kind to me, to educate me. That’s who I want to be. 

This is my funeral pyre for Memories of the Circular Room. One last, final post - one last final memory of everything. A chronicle of all of the things that have happened, a quick summary, one that certainly doesn’t contain everything, but shows the changes I went through. I think I’m finally ready to move on. 

MotCR will remain “active” in the sense that you can scroll this blog to see any post made here. I’m not going to private it, because I think there are good things that were said here, and I want myself and others to be able to access those things. But I will no longer reblog things here, make original posts, or answer asks. I’m moving on, and away, and changing how I tackle syscourse. 

I’ll be making one last post when I fully am ready to share my new plans (which include a new blog). But for now? This is it. 

Thank you for reading ❤️💙💜💗🖤💛💚❣️🧡💟🤍❤️

#Syscourse #Personal #Ok to RB #Endos #Syscourse Neutral #Anti-endo #Pro-endo #Endo Safe

[ghostys-originals]

Since the topic of Samuel’s autism is still fresh in my mind, I’m going to talk a bit about it! Firstly, I made Sam autistic by complete accident. Sometimes it just be like that. But once his traits were pointed out to me, I didn’t see the point in changing him! Sam himself was a very quiet kid compared to his siblings, still has a very intense SI in flowers, and had a much more intense emotional response (although that could also be partially due to the brain damage he’d receive a little later in life). I could also imagine Sam himself having to develop a specific daily routine, since he was used to his father enforcing one anyway, and any slight change in that familiar formula would become stressful or upsetting for him (and even as an adult, Sam prefers to keep a similar level of consistency and can become irritable when someone throws a wrench in his carefully crafted plan). Theres also “Stimming”, which is categorized as “behaviors that provide sensory input or relief”, and he would do things that- while normal for rabbits, such as chewing and leg thumping- would be at a frequency that was viewed as abnormal. Theres probably more that I missed, and Autism is a spectrum full of different quirks that could be combined in an infinite amount of ways, but feel free to ask me more questions in my inbox if you’d like! Sam wouldn’t have been diagnosed in childhood, both because of The Cottontail’s ableism, and the ableism of the medical culture in Mayberry period. I did some brief research about Autism in the 50s and well... Its not great [tw for ableism obviously]

So Samuel being diagnosed later as an adult would rock his world in a lot of ways. One, being that he finally has a name to all the things he was called “weird” for doing. And two, ahereing to his usual closed-minded ideas that he learned from Mayberry and not being knowledgeable about neurodivergeny period, he would NOT react well to the news and even be denial of his diagnosis for a bit. Of course Sam will grow to learn more about himself and become ok with who he is, yet that would not come easy to him as he would have to not only unlearn Mayberry’s harmful tall tales about non-neurotypicality, but also unlearning the self hatred hes developed after years of being misunderstood and untreated.

#roadkillerz #general samuel cottontail roadkillerz #sam's autism #of course this doesnt change the fact that hes a war criminal #but I also dont like the culture of 'all disabled people have to be Morally Pure' either #sam's physical disability's and mental health/disabilities does not make him a bad person #sam makes himself a bad person because hes stubborn and struggles to change

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: idk if there needs to be any? Invalidation?

Do you know if it’s normal or why I might instantly forget I’m a trauma survivor when people call me a liar and give their “reasons” for why they think I’m a liar or why I happen to be the abuser (which i logically can recognize they miss out on parts of the story or the covert antagonization my abuser did that made me react and attack and bully her for “no reason”) like I instantly believe them and question myself… I forget almost in a way that I was traumatized even though I’ve developed CPTSD bc of it and am trying to get therapy for jt (but my parents are really controlling and rn I’m already at a psychiatrist for meds for one diagnosis) and asking for therapy will be too much. Last time I went to therapy the dr was abusive so I had to quit. And ugh I’m sorry its a lot but yeah.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through. Invalidation is horrible.

So I can speak from experience that when someone denies what I've been through, it's hard for me to be okay with that because I feel like I have to convince everyone of my story. But I've been working with my therapist on recognizing that not everyone will believe my story, and it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Personally I feel like if someone doesn't believe me then I have to change my approach somehow. But remember that they have no authority to rewrite my history to fit a narrative that's more comfortable or palatable for them. They do not get to say what did and did not happen especially if they weren't even there. The truth doesn't need their validation to exist.

I think sometimes as well, we can have inner critics or internalized victim blaming that, when someone tells us we're lying, those parts of us are like "yes, finally someone says it!" and so that may influence how much you listen to and believe their accusations.

In my expose, I wrote that "Denial is used to protect oneself against overwhelmingly scary elements of reality. I understand how it can be too scary to entertain the thought that your son, your brother, your father, your neighbor, your husband, your cousin, has done something like this. It’s much easier to deny it than think about what to do if it’s real. But I believe that those who truly want to do the right thing will at some point recognize that they are in denial and will work through the stages of grief at their own pace. I want to try to be as compassionate as possible to people who are skeptical or completely in denial, but please also understand that when you tell someone that their trauma never happened or that they’re making it up, it hits a personal chord and it’s hard not to be upset by that."

Please know that your story is valid, you are a valid trauma survivor, and we believe you.

If anyone else has any experiences or thoughts they'd like to share, feel free to add on. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse

[min-pathologica]

back on my all-nighter shit (probably a vent, definitely a vent i guess i lose my filter at 2:30 am. super long and tw vague intrusive thoughts)

trying to focus on this project but i can barely make out a single proper thought in my head, i keep making up stupid scenarios to scare myself because of my mind being all fucked up. i don’t want to think about it but guess who’s thinking about things that have zero likelihood of happening. me. but i’m scared it’ll happen anyway. why couldn’t i have my normal fears like in fall, why’d it have to switch back to the usual thoughts. i fucking hate them. like just leave these perfectly good people alone and let me see them normally instead of being too scared to make eye contact. and with how much i end up obsessing over these things and trying to avoid that person, it only makes me more scared that i would actually want those things to happen or that my fears are valid. then when i get too tired to even have a shocked or scared reaction i feel like they were true and i was just in denial. fuck. i don’t like the other flavors of thoughts but i might like this less because i can at least detach myself from the former and be sure i don’t want those things to happen, it’s more of an avoiding words and trying to will bad things away whereas this is having to fear the hell out of a normal person who i would’ve been okay with otherwise. i can barely enter a room they’re in. it’s the worst, i feel like they could be looking at me but logically they are obviously not so i mistake that thought for wanting them to look at me. fucking hell. now i’m too tired to even push those thoughts away so i came up with the dumbest scenario ever of them being a bad person like i thought and ew. i don’t know. i don’t think i have the mental willpower to even get rid of these on my own. the only thing i’ve been diagnosed with that would relate to this is anxiety, but i’m dumb and think it’s worse or different somehow. i told my new therapist about the thing i thought i could have and she said that anxiety can mimic its symptoms so i’m completely uncertain, like i feel like i have the thing i think i do but can i really trust a self-diagnosis at this point. besides it’s not even that severe. but i feel kind of sick did you know the word “osculate” can mean to kiss?? like how curves can share a common tangent on a given point of contact. i think i remember learning that a couple years ago maybe, it sounds familiar. idk my macbook screen saver is definitions. i’m looking at it because i was trying to focus on my project but couldn’t focus. this is long. why is it telling me about antimony oh cool it’s a metalloid that means it can form both ionic and covalent bonds. i googled that today while i was researching chem to procrastinate so that’s what i know about it lol. this is very long how come i can do all this writing on tumblr but not write about one measly religion for my final project?? it makes me so nervous but when i try to work on it i draw a blank and get distracted right away ugh. and then i try to focus but i can’t even think of what to do, it’d be nice if there was like an example. maybe there’s no required format? or maybe there is and if i do my own thing i’ll get told it’s all wrong on friday. but if i do nothing i may as well get insulted by my world religions teacher on friday. my thoughts are bad but this predicament might be worse. i don’t like it. i can’t even trust myself to get this done on time given all my prior experiences with being the world’s worst procrastinator. my computer just shut off because i’ve been typing this for so long. its timeout is 15 minutes. i’ve been here writing for 15 minutes. that’s so cute erm. what do i even do at this point. i was going to pull up my favorite song about burnout overworking and intrusive thoughts but how do i actually work. okay i think that’s it

#minxiety #tw vent