hey. i think it’s okay. i think i'm gonna stay here, just for a little longer. they haven’t burned me yet–why are you scared? yes, i know they burned you, but, like, you were always in the way. i can leave whenever i feel like it. you know, i bet the flames don’t even feel that bad. you know, i think you should give it another chance. you know, i don't think it's that bad. come on in. the water’s fine. we’re saving you.
now you're drowning? wasn't fire the problem? we were cold and now we are thirsty, and you blame us for trying to be comfortable. why do you always make things inconvenient? don’t you love us? don’t you love it here? hey, i think you should try harder. hey, i'm sick of making things convenient for you. hey, why do you always try to leave? hey. get out of your comfort zone, it’ll be worth it. hey, if you hate me, just say so. god loves you.
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I know that with some of us answering yes it will depend on the activity and place and time and other factors too but my question is mainly about if you feel drained regardless if you enjoy spending time with your friends.
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i can't wait to be 30+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 40+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 50+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 60+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 70+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 80+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 90+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to look back on my life and know that i loved things deeply and passionately and was inspired to create and was part of communities with incredible people from all over the world brought together by the stories that touched us
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"i know this because ive known you for years" "bet you love the fact you can say that" dick.
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I often think about how Hannibal tricked people into cannibalism. it’s really easy to right this off as Hannibal just being sick and twisted, a psychopath, but its clearly something much deeper than that to Hannibal. Not only because he’s lonely and wants someone to understand him, enjoy this with him, but to console himself. He was forced to eat his own sister whom he loved and he enjoyed it. Every time he watches someone else enjoy it he feels righteous, he feels normal.
He does it to prove to himself he’s not a monster. Anyone else would feel the same in his situation. So he forces people over, and over, and over, to the same conclusion.
To comfort the sad little boy inside filled with doubt.
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the problem is that being single is seen as the consolidation prize, and not the natural neutral state of being-a-person. at the end of the movie or the book or the poetry, there is a person waiting for you at the altar, and they love you. if the play is a comedy, everyone gets married. the metaphor is about how you are not-whole. the metaphor is about how everyone is going to be happily-ever-after. the metaphor is that romantic love is the most important resource on the planet, not just all-love. all-love is not a thing, that is a disappointment. the treasure is not the friends we made along the way. the treasure is the girl you landed.
the metaphor is that you cannot be alone, that means you are broken. are you getting over someone? that is acceptable, you can be getting over someone, but not for long. you must be single because you would rather not be single. you must be single and looking to not-be-single. you must want to date, eventually.
friendship and community are never seen as being equal-to or even-better than romantic connection. that person is your one! you need to find them. you need to hunt through the sand particles until you can shift out some kind of gem. this is regardless to your own experience of the beach and the sun. you need to be somewhere with someone.
if you are taking this time alone to heal, that is so sad. everyone gives you this little pitying look. the understanding is that you are not actually happier than you were before you were single. it is seen as a sort of pity - oh, you are choosing yourself, making yourself the priority? - that isn't quite right. you must mean that you are making yourself ready for the right person. you are just laying the bed better this time. open up your heart. you'll find them, we promise!
what do you mean you're really-truly genuinely-very happy? you are probably misremembering what it was like to be in a relationship. and besides, once you meet your person, that time will look grey and bland and wasted. your person is the only way for you to see in color. so what if you have taken this time - for the first time in your entire life - to actually-for-real do the fucking work. you can be proud of yourself, sure. but the way we need to know that you got better is that you get a partner. you're healed enough for the next bad part!
people don't choose to be single, they just say they're choosing to be single - they actually mean "nobody wants to date me." it doesn't matter how many people you have gently rejected or how many times you've talked it over carefully in therapy. what matters is that you are single, and by all accounts - that means you are something worth our pity. your successes and life all seem pale in the sunlight. sure, you have done amazing things and finally found your way in life. what matters is that there wasn't a person in the room with you while you did it.
you want to tell them - that's the whole thing. i didn't know how to be alone in the room. i didn't know how to handle the silence. every moment was so sharp, and i kept choosing the wrong way to close the door. i have spent my entire life in the empty well, living in the ricochet of someone else's cruelty. for once i have built myself a ladder. for once everything i taste is all mine, every bite of sunshine and laughter. i have learned how to sleep out in the open with my memories. recently, they have started to purr.
your father rolls his eyes. listen. this isn't about you. i just want a grandchild in my future.
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