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inkskinned · 5 months

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the problem is that being single is seen as the consolidation prize, and not the natural neutral state of being-a-person. at the end of the movie or the book or the poetry, there is a person waiting for you at the altar, and they love you. if the play is a comedy, everyone gets married. the metaphor is about how you are not-whole. the metaphor is about how everyone is going to be happily-ever-after. the metaphor is that romantic love is the most important resource on the planet, not just all-love. all-love is not a thing, that is a disappointment. the treasure is not the friends we made along the way. the treasure is the girl you landed.

the metaphor is that you cannot be alone, that means you are broken. are you getting over someone? that is acceptable, you can be getting over someone, but not for long. you must be single because you would rather not be single. you must be single and looking to not-be-single. you must want to date, eventually.

friendship and community are never seen as being equal-to or even-better than romantic connection. that person is your one! you need to find them. you need to hunt through the sand particles until you can shift out some kind of gem. this is regardless to your own experience of the beach and the sun. you need to be somewhere with someone.

if you are taking this time alone to heal, that is so sad. everyone gives you this little pitying look. the understanding is that you are not actually happier than you were before you were single. it is seen as a sort of pity - oh, you are choosing yourself, making yourself the priority? - that isn't quite right. you must mean that you are making yourself ready for the right person. you are just laying the bed better this time. open up your heart. you'll find them, we promise!

what do you mean you're really-truly genuinely-very happy? you are probably misremembering what it was like to be in a relationship. and besides, once you meet your person, that time will look grey and bland and wasted. your person is the only way for you to see in color. so what if you have taken this time - for the first time in your entire life - to actually-for-real do the fucking work. you can be proud of yourself, sure. but the way we need to know that you got better is that you get a partner. you're healed enough for the next bad part!

people don't choose to be single, they just say they're choosing to be single - they actually mean "nobody wants to date me." it doesn't matter how many people you have gently rejected or how many times you've talked it over carefully in therapy. what matters is that you are single, and by all accounts - that means you are something worth our pity. your successes and life all seem pale in the sunlight. sure, you have done amazing things and finally found your way in life. what matters is that there wasn't a person in the room with you while you did it.

you want to tell them - that's the whole thing. i didn't know how to be alone in the room. i didn't know how to handle the silence. every moment was so sharp, and i kept choosing the wrong way to close the door. i have spent my entire life in the empty well, living in the ricochet of someone else's cruelty. for once i have built myself a ladder. for once everything i taste is all mine, every bite of sunshine and laughter. i have learned how to sleep out in the open with my memories. recently, they have started to purr.

your father rolls his eyes. listen. this isn't about you. i just want a grandchild in my future.

#writeblr #i actually didn't want a girlfriend before nat #and my dad recently said to me - raquel. i don't approve of the promiscuity #1. i am 30.#2. i had casually dated about 4 people over 18 months.#3. i do believe he was just mad that i get more girls than he ever did #i had to look this 60 yr old deacon in the eye and say. okay so i have a girlfriend first of all im just not tellin yall about her #and secondly.#OKAY???? OLD MAN I DONT EVEN LIVE HERE WHAT ARE U GONNA DO ABOUT IT #briefly considered asking nat if i could pretend we were a one night stand kind of a thing

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heeliopheelia · 11 months

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𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄-𝐔𝐏𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐊-𝐔𝐏𝐒

part 1

genre: hurt/comfort, hurt/no comfort, angst, fluff

word count: 3.2k

warnings: curse words and fuckload of tears, breaking up in some

masterlist

LEE HEESEUNG

"Fucking hell, pick up," Heeseung mutters under his nose as another one of his calls goes straight into the voice mail. He's been sitting on the edge of the couch, nervously picking on his nails ever since you left the apartment.

It's way too late for anyone to be walking outside alone. Heeseung's well aware of that, so the second that his call gets declined again, he jumps up on his feet and leaves your house, not even bothering to lock the door behind him. The only thought present in his mind is to find you and make things right. He can't believe he would hurt you like that with some reckless words he didn't even mean. You always told him he was way too hot headed for his own good and now the time has finally come for your words to be proved right.

As he turns the first corner, he finds himself crashing into another person, their startled gasp echoing through the empty street. He doesn't even need a second to recognize your silhouette and without thinking much he pulls you closely to him, heart nearly beating out of his chest from relief.

"Oh my god, I was so worried about you!" He says, voice breathless as he holds you closely. Your small sniffles nearly break his heart in two. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so cruel with you earlier. I'm sorry."

But you keep silent, only let your tears drench his t-shirt. Heeseung swallows nervously, feeling like he's losing you already. And, fuck, he was not ready for that to happen.

"Please just say something," he whispers, pressing his lips to the top of your head a little desperately, yearning for any sort of an answer from you. "YN?"

"I'm sorry, Heeseung," you say quietly as you finally pull away from him, finally allowing him to see all the damage he's caused written all over your face. "I just don't understand how could you even say all of that to me? Comparing me to your ex, really? And you've literally admitted you don't love me anymore."

Biting his lips hard, almost painfully, he listens to your broken rambling. "That's not true. I do love you." He feels his heart stuttering slightly as he notices the uncertainty in your teary eyes. "I love you, YN."

You step away even farther from him. "It's kinda hard to believe after today."

"I know," he can barely hold back the whine mingling at the back of his throat. "I know that I don't deserve to be forgiven so easily but just- Please, you can't break up with me now. Not like this. I didn't mean it, darling. I'm sorry."

The desperation in his voice nearly makes you give in. Nearly, because no matter how hard you try, you can't push his cruel words out of your mind.

"Look, Heeseung. I love you," before you can see the hope starting to shimmer in his dark eyes, you continue, "I really do but I just can't imagine how this relationship would work anymore. There's way too many wrongs to only focus on the rights, don't you agree?"

"No, I-"

"Let's just go home for now, okay?" You interrupt him, feeling tired from the long day. "I'll pack my stuff up in the morning."

PARK JAY

How could he forget about the one day he's been looking forward the most to for the whole month?

Jay closes his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh before quickly calling his boss to cancel the meeting. Swearing under his nose, he reminds himself of all the thing's he's had prepared for you today. And now his stupidity has ruined it all for you.

He thought he would give you a moment to yourself for collecting your thoughts, but after another minute of listening to your sobs coming from behind the door, he let go of that stupid idea and walked into the bathroom. Seeing you sitting by the wall with face hidden in your hands makes him realize that he would give absolutely everything to somehow invent a time machine and go back in time, only to make you happy again.

You don't even flinch when he takes the spot on the floor right next to you, arms wrapping around your middle and pulling you to his lap. You let him do all of that because no matter how much he's hurt you, his touch will forever remain the one thing that instantly brings you comfort. You know that that feeling won't evaporate so quickly as he's been your support person for such a long time.

"I'm sorry I forgot," he says into the silence after a heartbeat or two. Your traitorous heart instantly melts the second he brings his hand up and starts stroking your hair softly. "And I'm sorry I put my work first without thinking of you."

"It's okay, it's not that big of a deal. I don't even care about my birthday that much," you mumble into his shoulder.

"Don't do that. You deserve an apology," he scolds you softly. His hand slips lower to your cheek and he pulls your face up to look right into your bloodshot eyes. "It's not okay and it is a big deal. And I'm sorry for being the worst boyfriend that's ever walked the planet earth."

You let out a small huff. "That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

"But absolutely deserved," Jay sighs before lifting one of your hands to his lips and pressing a soft kiss to your fingers. "I'll never dismiss your feelings like that again. That's a promise I'll keep forever. I love you so much, honey."

"I'm glad to hear it," you hum, wiping your nose with the back of your sleeve. A sleeve of his hoodie, actually. "I hate fighting with you."

"Will you forgive me?"

His question doesn't linger in the air for a long time unanswered, because as soon as it leaves his mouth, you're leaning in and pressing your lips to his. Jay quickly responds to your kiss as he nearly engulfs you in his arms, pulling you as closely to him as it's possible. His fingers are caressing your cheeks gently, almost as if he's afraid of causing you any more damage.

"Do you still feel like celebrating your birthday?" He asks, following his words with few more kisses to your tear-swollen lips.

"Absolutely. As long as you'll buy me Starbucks today."

SIM JAKE

"You didn't answer my calls," Jake says as the two of you walk inside your apartment.

"I think the reasons for it are pretty self-explanatory," you respond, directing yourself straight to your kitchen with Jake following you closely, nearly stepping on your heels. You lay the grocery bag on the counter and start unpacking its contents.

"I'm sorry I forgot about our date again, it just slipped my mind, I swear."

"Good to know I'm so forgettable to you," you huff, not looking at him even once. "Well, you never forget about your friends, that's for sure."

"I shouldn't have done that," Jake admits, moving closer to you and reaching for your shoulder. "It was wrong of me to lie to you about it."

"Yeah, no fucking shit."

"Will you just let me apologize?" He raises his voice, losing his patience with you quickly.

You turn around and send him a pointed look, eyebrow raised as you finally meet his eyes. "Damn, that's bold of you to be yelling at me like that in your position, Jake."

He immediately lets go of you and rubs his face with his hands. "I know, I know. I just- fuck, I'm sorry."

"I only have one question for you," you say as you stop unloading your groceries for once and lean back on the counter, bracing your hands on each of your sides. "Why are you even in this relationship when it's clearly not even in your top three priorities?"

"Hey, that's not really fair, is it?" He backs away as his tone raises defensively. "I've been a good boyfriend to you most of the time, YN. I've just missed a couple of dates, that's all. I'll make this all up to you, I promise."

"Oh, come on, Jake! Do you really expect me to just forget about it all and move on like nothing happened?"

"I mean, that's how it works. Couples fight and couples make up," he says, nodding his head as if he's looking for your affirmation, "We're not gonna break up because of a stupid argument, are we?"

When silence is your only answer, Jake's eyes widen at the realization.

"You're joking, right?" He scoffs. "You really wanna end a perfectly fine relationship over some petty bullshit like this?"

"The fact that you think we're having a perfectly fine relationship even though we've just been arguing about you blatantly lying to me, says more than enough. I've already made up my mind, I'm sorry."

You watch as a scowl makes its way on his face and he crosses his arms over his chest. "Fine. Do as you want. Just don't come crawling back to me when you finally grow up."

"Oh, don't hold your breath, babe. Goodbye, Jake."

PARK SUNGHOON

You jerk in your place when you feel Sunghoon's warm hands on your knees. You didn't even notice him walking into the bedroom, way too absorbed in crying a goddamn river of tears. He's understood his mistake merely couple minutes after you've left him in the living room.

"YN," he starts quietly but quickly gets shut down when you shake your head, hiding your face in your hands as another sob leaves your throat. He swallows loudly before trying again, "Baby, I'm sorry."

"Please, leave me alone for now," you whine out through a clenched throat. You pull away from your hands to look at him kneeling down in front of you.

Sunghoon lifts his hand up to wipe your wet face with his sleeve. "Just hear me out, okay? I didn't mean it, darling. I shouldn't have said that."

"Then why did you?"

"I- I don't know. I was just having a tough time at work and I just let it happen," he tries to explain, to defend himself somehow but even he can see that the excuse is just simply not enough. "I know I went too far and you don't even understand how sorry I am about that. I really didn't mean it."

"You made me feel the most unloved I've ever felt in my entire life. Do you really think that's how a relationship is supposed to look like?" You choke out, watching as his face scrunches up with pain.

"I love you. I know I don't say it often but I do. More than you could ever imagine," he confesses, running his thumb over your cheek. "I hate myself for making you feel like I don't."

"I don't know if I can forgive you yet, Hoon," you say, trying not to show any emotions as his face visibly drops. "I'll need some time to think it all over."

"I understand." His voice gets quieter and he backs away from you slightly, giving you some space. You try to ignore how you instantly start missing the warmth of his touch on your skin. "Take all the time you need. I'll wait for as long as I have to, love."

KIM SUNOO

A knock on your door wakes you out of your thoughts. With a sigh, you go to open it, already knowing who's standing outside.

When your face shows up instead of the wooden surface, Sunoo finally allows himself to breathe again. "YN," he starts, straightening his posture a little. "Can I come inside?"

You shake your head, clenching your fingers on the door. "No, I don't think so."

"Look, I'm sorry for not believing you. It was wrong of me, I know that. I haven't slept all night because all I could think about was you."

You press your lips tightly at his confession. "Do you know what's my biggest issue with this entire situation? The fact that even after I explained myself, you still wouldn't believe me. You still chose to believe her words over mine. That hurt the most, you know?"

"I'm sorry," he repeats with guilt written all over his face. "Let me fix this, please. I swear I'll stop hanging out with her. Just don't leave me."

"But it was never about you being friends with her, Sunoo, don't you get it?" You run your hand through your hair in an attempt to not blow up on him right there and then. "The problem isn't you having a girl best friend, it's you not trusting me! I couldn't care less that you spend time with her because I never doubted your loyalty to me. You accusing me of some stupid shit with Sunghoon only proved that you don't feel the same way about me."

"That's not true."

You let out an unamused snort. "Oh but it is. I'm sorry but I just can't see this going anywhere from here."

"How can you be so okay with ending a two year relationship just like that?" Sunoo asks, upset with your solemn behavior. "Looks like I must've meant nothing to you."

"Why are you trying to turn the tables again? God, you're unbelievable!" You finally raise your voice. "Stop trying to make everything about you, when it's clear that you're the one who fucked up the most, Sunoo. You're not the victim and I'm not the villain in here!"

"Stop shouting at me," he scowls at you.

"I wouldn't have to yell if you weren't so goddamn infuriating," you bite back harshly. "I think we've said all that needed to be said now. Go home, Sunoo."

You shut the door right in his face and walk back to your living room, not looking back even once.

YANG JUNGWON

"Hey, are we okay?" Jungwon asks you quietly as you sit side by side in a train, the both of you going back from school.

Even though you haven't spoken to him much ever since the two of you met up at the train station, you didn't shy away from any of his touches or other forms of affection. You haven't mentioned yesterday's argument either which only sent Jungwon's mind into an even bigger havoc.

Your head is pressed against the window as you nod, lazily tracing some pattern on the glass. "I think so."

He sighs and finds your fingers with his, intertwining them together hesitantly. Your lack of displeasure encourages him a little more, so he starts caressing the skin on your hand with his thumb.

"It was never my intention to upset you, love. I didn't mean to hurt you like that," he finally addresses the problem.

Turning your face to his, you look right into his sorry eyes. You sigh, feeling a little better about the argument after spending a whole on night thinking about it. So you smile at him weakly and say, "I know."

"Can you forgive me?"

"I know you meant well and you only want the best for me but some of the things you said really hurt me, Won," you admit, looking back down at your lap.

You feel Jungwon shifting in his seat and moving closer to you, raising your intertwined hands up and pressing a kiss to the back of your hand.

"I'm so, so sorry," he apologises, remorse nearly dripping from his voice. "I know it was uncalled for. I don't actually think any of that about you, I just let the frustration speak through me yesterday, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," you whisper.

"No, it's not. I was cruel and unfair towards you." You take a glance at him again and notice how his eyes are looking for yours desperately. "I just love you a lot and it hurts me to hear somebody speaking to you in such way. And yes, you said she's always like that and she doesn't mean to be offensive but I still think you should talk to her about that, love."

"I will," you reassure your boyfriend, squeezing his hand slightly. "I've thought about that a lot yesterday and I admit that she can get pretty out of line sometimes. I'll try to tell her that the next time I see her."

Jungwon smiles down at you, feeling proud of you finally taking a step forward into becoming more confrontational.

"I love you so much," he says again and you get lost for a second in his sparkly eyes. "And I'm really sorry for what I've said."

You lean your head on his shoulder and sigh in content. "Apology accepted."

NISHIMURA RIKI

It took couple good hours before Niki's stubborn mind finally allowed him to realize his mistake. With a heart heavy with guilt, he quietly closes the front door behind him and takes off his shoes. Passing the living room to go to the bedroom, he stops dead in his tracks as he notices the TV being still turned on silently. Niki turns around and his gaze instantly falls on your sleeping figure on the couch.

He crouches down in front of you, heart dropping the second he spots your glistening from tears cheeks. Niki lets out a heavy sigh as he snatches the folded blanket laying on the headrest of the couch, and engulfs you with the plush fabric securely. Then he slides into the empty space behind you and sneaks his arms around your middle, pulling your back into his chest closely. You're being awaken by the feeling of his warm lips pressing right below your ear - the place that's always been your weak spot.

"Niki?" You ask quietly as you turn around and lay chest to chest with your boyfriend.

He swipes your hair away from your dim eyes. "You shouldn't be sleeping on the couch, you're gonna hurt your back."

The silence doesn't last long as the both of you speak at the same time, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

You look at each other in confusion before Niki chokes out, "Why are you apologizing? You did nothing wrong, I know you're just worried."

"Yeah but maybe I shouldn't have pushed you this much either," you stumble out, looking everywhere but into his eyes.

Niki scoffs quietly and pulls you closely to him, kissing your forehead. "You know that's not true. I've been really frustrated with work lately and it was stupid of me to take it all out on you. I shouldn't have and I'm sorry."

"It's not the first time you've done that, you know?" You mumble into his t-shirt, sniffling slightly as you feel you're starting to get emotional again. "You always push me away once something starts bothering you."

"I know," he whispers as he slips his fingers underneath your shirt and caresses your back soothingly. "I feel like an idiot for blowing you off like this. I'll try to start talking to you more from now on, I promise."

You hum and lift your head to press a kiss to his jawline. "I really only mean to help you. We'll work on your communication, alright?"

"Together?" He breathes out.

'Together."

a/n: guys the way i almost folded and wrote them all happy endings 💀💀 i literally couldn't decide if i wanted yn to forgive hoon or not so i left the ending kinda open so that you guys can handle him the way you want to lmao

permanent taglist: @bambisgirl @arizejkt19, @l0ver1ki

taglist: @byu @hwabang @choclate32 @kkawsomeness24 @nobodyshallenter @sunsunl0ver @hiqhkey @mimimovv @iraa567 @nes-caf @maybemiko @neptunetododeku @aureliaxuuu @1004bangchan @tobiosbbyghorl @rosie-rosem @kiroosan @ramenoil @wonwushu @redfieldposts @lunacrtk @marvelahsobx @opheliaas-stuff @dylanswifeyp @hydroyakshaluvr69 @ranieannbalean14 @haechxnnie @heeseungssidechick @lolilkkk @hoon0logy @iadorenaki @chaechae-23 @jhopesucker (so many of you guys won't tag no matter how much i try so im sorry but idk what im doing wrong help :/)

#it's almost 1:30 am so ill do a grammar check tmr i promise #enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen x reader #enhypen fluff #enhypen reactions #enhypen reaction

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