#it’s kind of dumb to feel this self conscious on the internet but please don’t hate me

[donutdisturblivball]

i apologize for being a downer rn but like i decided to go through the mileven tag and the anti-byler tag to sort of see what it’s like on the other side, to see what other people are thinking and how they interpreted the same show that we all watched. and it kind of made me sad?? because it’s so unbelievably toxic, but the thing is that looking at their behavior, i feel like i saw some of the toxicity there on the byler tag too. i don’t like how we keep badmouthing each other’s ship, and i don’t like how aggressive and rude we are to each other. at the end of the day, these are fictional characters, and all the shit talking for no real reason just sort of makes me feel all icky.

i don’t get why we can’t get along and just ship what we want to ship in peace. either way this doesn’t really matter, yk? what’s the point of being mean to others because of a fictional pairing?

that being said, i’m obviously not condoning homophobic behavior and people who are homophobic and use their ship as an excuse to be homophobic should and need to be called out. i’m just tired of being talked about like i’m an idiot and less of a person because i ship a certain ship, and i’m tired of seeing others being belittled or called stupid because they ship a certain ship.

#byler #i know i’ve made posts in the past about how funny some of the mileven swap names are #but looking back now after seeing the way we’ve been treating each other it kind of makes me feel sick #we’re all being so immature about a TV show #and i feel like we’re all better than doing this to one another #i’m kind of scared to post this because it could be really controversial #or not i dont really know what counts as being offensive or not these days #but either way i feel like it needed to be said #i don’t think its right to keep treating each other this way #even if we’re strangers on the internet #mileven #can we please stop fighting? #what becomes canon becomes canon #theres no need to antagonize each other over this #right? #it’s kind of dumb to feel this self conscious on the internet but please don’t hate me #and don’t attack each other in reblogs or replies either #that’s the exact opposite of what this post is for #thank you #also also i’m really sorry if i worded this weirdly or offensively if anyone feels either way about it i’ll change it immediately #just please be civil??? that’s all i’m really asking here

[bubblewrapjunkie]

ok. so. about the passiflora of it all. if you are so naive as to think that that collector crowd have any actual genuine care about tobias and not simply the value of their collection, i just have to laugh. but sure, just for the heck of it, let’s break it down.

1. no one has ever been able to validate that tobias has EVER said anything about not wanting people to hear passiflora. this “statement” has only ever been circulated by people who own the record, with the compelling source of “trust me, bro”.

2. tobias himself uploaded passiflora to myspace back in the day - that’s how we have “house of affection” (which - coincidentally - have been sitting comfortably on youtube for years without any action taken from “tobias’ legal team”). it just didn’t gain any traction, and he eventually deleted it. he might find it a bit cringe (like he does with so far noir and y’all seem to be gobbling that one up regardless of how he feels about it) but it’s not like anyone’s exploiting him if they listen to it. if that were the case, wouldn’t the people owning a copy of it destroy it, to make sure not to traumatize tobias? or are they maybe not THAT concerned with his wellbeing after all…? which leads me to…

3. the huffing and puffing about respecting tobias’ wishes is especially rich coming from the same crowd where someone (we all know who) amongst other things have shown up to a copia m&g dressed up in tobias’ old jean jacket that i don’t even wanna think about how they got their hands on. tobias has, on multiple occasions, asked his fans for ONE thing. don’t break the fourth wall, i.e acknowledge that him and papa are the same person WHILE he’s in papa mode. he gets very self conscious and weirded out when his own image and person gets attached to ghost (especially the live shows) that way. there is so much of that man’s past (photos, notebooks, etc) that is now public information that he has had NO SAY WHATSOEVER in if he wanted seen by other people that collectors have gladly published online without any regards to what tobias may or may not feel about it. maybe he’s totally cool with it, but spare me the hypocrisy, please and thank you.

4. “tobias’ legal team have been notified”. no, someone messaged richie - head of tour security for the last leg of the impera tour - on tiktok. these are… two very different sentences with very different meanings.

5. tobias doesn’t lose any money if passiflora leaks because he was never going to release that album and make money of it anyways. do you also have this kind of energy for people listening to ghost’s cover of “it’s a sin” on youtube? you know, the track that was only supposed to be available for you if you purchased the prequelle exalted box? how about the people listening to “here comes the sun” who haven’t bought the super rare japanese single that had it as a b-side? the ONLY people losing money are the people who bought the cd, and guess what? it’s not as if ALL the value disappears. it’s still a super rare collector’s item. the meliora box sets regularly sell for like $500 even though you can absolutely listen to zenith online.

6. the threat of violence was unnecessary though, however much of a joke it was. it’s the internet, someone will always say something clumsy and dumb.

#tobias forge #passiflora #i also cannot believe people are fine with someone charging $5000 for a cd #when people were in a complete hysterics over some people selling a few merch items from the la shows #like i personally don’t care either way what adults with jobs do with money they’ve earned at a job #but the inconsistency is hilarious

[mypoisonedvine]

Tattletale | (dark)stepbrother!Sam Wilson x reader

summary: your step-brother was kind enough to let you stay at his apartment just off-campus when you began your freshman year of college where he was a senior.  unfortunately, his kindness ran out when he learned about your secret side-hustle.

word count: 4.7k

warnings: smut!! (noncon/heavy dubcon and stepcest, they’re not biologically related but were raised from adolescence as siblings), facefucking, slapping, choking, degradation, coercion, DP (with a toy), anal play, possessive behavior, unprotected creampie, lots of crying/implied dacryphilia

this is a dark fic containing triggering topics, please do not read if this would be triggering for upsetting for you in any way.

Your step-brother (and roommate… and technically your landlord) wasn’t usually home when you got back from your Econ class, so you jumped a bit when you saw him nursing a beer in your shared living room; apparently, he was waiting for you.

“Hey, Sammy,” you greeted sheepishly, suddenly feeling self-conscious when his eyes raked over your body— it was hot out, so you just had on a tank top and cut-off shorts, but now you wish you’d covered up more.

“Hey,” he nodded back, setting the beer down and leaning back on the couch, “you got time to talk for a minute?”

His tone made you a little nervous, but his casual body language set you at ease.  He probably just wanted to ask if you could stay somewhere else over the weekend so he could have a girl over, or maybe he needed your help with one of his more difficult assignments— though frankly, you probably couldn’t help much with a senior-level project.  “Sure,” you shrugged, setting your backpack down and slipping off your shoes to join him on the couch.  “What’s up?”

“Nothing, really, I just feel like we don’t talk as much as we used to,” he explained with a little sigh.  Something about the way he glanced to the side for a moment made you wonder if he was being completely transparent.  “Remember when we were younger and we talked all the time?  Or when I moved away to start here and we called every day?  I miss that…”

You smiled a little, moving closer on the couch to rest your hand on his.  “Me too,” you admitted.  “I just figured you saw me as your annoying little sister.”

“I do,” he laughed, “but, you know, we used to be really close!  You used to tell me everything.  And now… now I don’t think you tell me everything.”

Your suspicion that this was more directed than he let on was growing, but you wanted to be close again, too, so you let it continue.  “Well, we’re older now so it’s not quite the same…”

“I guess it’s normal for siblings to grow apart when they’re adults, but, I don’t know… I guess I just didn’t see it coming with us.  And now that I’m letting you live here I thought it would be like old times; to be honest, that was part of why I had you move in in the first place.”

Just as you started to shift away, he flipped his hand and grabbed your wrist, stopping you from pulling away.  “Sammy,” you whispered in shock, leaning back as much as you could even as he moved in closer.

“I think it’s the least you can do to be honest with me, sis,” he hissed.

“I— I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you protested, your gut sinking in fear of being reprimanded by him.  He was so friendly 99% of the time, but you were still terrified of those few memories you had of him getting angry with you.  Disappointing him was one of your greatest fears.

Sam laughed, but he didn’t exactly seem amused.  “Stop playing dumb, honey, I think you know what this is about.”

“I… I don’t…” you stammered, your heart dropping further when he reached for his phone.

“Got a text from Steve today,” he explained as he unlocked it.  “Wanna guess what it was?”

You swallowed dryly, more sure than ever that it was what you dreaded most.  “I don’t know, Sam…”

“I’ll give you a hint,” he grimaced, reading something from the screen.  “Kinky virgin horny for cock, 18, freshman at NYU.”

You looked away but he instantly grabbed your face and turned you to look at him.  “You know, I let you live here while you were in college so you could get an education.  Not be a fucking slut.  Did you think I wouldn’t find your OnlyFans?  Steve found it first, god knows what he did with these pictures before he sent them to me.  Is this what you wanted?  Any guy— even a guy we know— to get off to these pictures?”

Your shoulders slumped and your chest deflated as you started to cry.  “I’m s-so sorry, Sammy—”

“Don’t call me that,” he sneered.  “How stupid are you?  Did you think these would stay private?  Guys trade these all the time, they’re never secret for long.  How long have you been doing this, huh?  Must’ve been a while considering the sheer magnitude of content.  Looks like your first post was on your 18th birthday— Jesus fucking Christ, you couldn’t wait a minute could you?  I was there that day… when did you sneak off to take this little number, huh?”

You didn’t want to look as he turned the phone to you, but his hand tight around your wrist was a reminder not to struggle too hard.  You remembered taking the photo, and it had been during your party.  The idea of how wrong it would be to strip down in your parent’s bathroom to snap a picture in the mirror had only been more encouraging at the time.  For some reason you hadn’t considered that someone would find it; you cringed at the idea that Steve saw you entirely nude, let alone your brother.  It was humiliating.

“And what about this one, huh?  How fucking slutty are you?” he spat, pulling up another picture and shoving the phone in your face as you were confronted with the image of you on your bed with your legs spread, fingers toying with your clit.  “You really don’t leave anything to the imagination.”

“Sam, I didn’t— you weren’t supposed to—”

“Just stop talking.  I can barely look at you right now,” he shook his head.  “This stuff is seriously depraved, sis.  The idea of all these guys drooling all over my little sister… and you actually encouraged them, the fuck is wrong with you?”

Tears poured down your face, and you felt like the anger radiating off of him would burn your skin somehow.  

“And don’t give me some stupid fucking sob story about how you’re doing this to pay for school when I know damn well that mom and dad pay for your classes and I pay your fucking rent.  You didn’t do it for money; you did it for fun.  You did it ‘cause you’re a shameless fucking slut.”

“‘M not,” you denied, “Sam, really— I’m still a virgin, I don’t— you know I don’t do that.”

“You just fantasize about it.  And chat with strangers online about it.  And make videos going on and on about how bad you wanna get fucked.”

You shuddered as you realized: “You watched one of my videos?”

He grinned and pulled you closer.  “Baby… I watched all of them.”

Completely at a loss for words, you silently tried to squirm away only for him to wrap his other arm around you and pull you closer, ignoring your sobs of fear and confusion.

“You’re actually sorta talented, for a dumb little virgin who had no idea what she’s getting herself into,” he purred against your ear, starting to push up your tank top.

“N-no,” you whimpered, “Sam, stop— I’m sorry.  I’ll delete the account, I’m sorry.”

“Too late for apologies, little sis,” he cooed, “it’s not just the account.  It’s that you made those posts from my apartment, you took those pictures in the room that I gave you.  Not to mention the way you walk around in these tight clothes, teasing me just because you can.  This goes way deeper than a few dirty pictures, sweetheart, and you know it.”

When you tried to wriggle away again, he seemed to exert nearly no effort at all to be able to spin you around and pull you down into his lap, where the shape of his hard cock pressing against your ass was obvious.  “Sam, s-stop, this isn’t funny.”

“Damn right it isn’t funny, I’m dead fucking serious,” he growled against your ear.  “What was it that you said in your most recent video, the one where you were wearing a collar and using that gaudy pink vibe on your clit?  ‘I need your cock to ruin my hole, daddy’... am I remembering that right?”

Hesitantly, you nodded, and he laughed darkly against your ear as he pulled your hips into his.  

“Say it, then.  Like you said it in the video.”

“Sam, no—” 

“No?” he repeated incredulously.  “You can’t say no to me, honey.  Cause if you do, I’m gonna send all these pictures and videos to mom and dad, tell them all about how their precious little angel is selling her ass on the Internet with the phone they pay for and the laptop they bought.  What are they gonna say to that?  Think they’ll take you back after that, let you stay with them when I kick you out?  As if.  So unless you think one of these creeps online is gonna give you a place to stay, seems like I’m your only option.”

You choked on a sob as you cried harder, hating that he was right.  

“So you need to start doing what you’re told, or you’re gonna end up doing a lot worse with someone much less generous than me, got it?”

Terrified of him but unable to imagine the alternative, you nodded.

“Then.  Fucking.  Say it.”

“I…” you began, sounding weak and weepy compared to the original video you were quoting, “I need your cock… to ruin my hole… daddy.”

“Eh, needs improvement but it’s a start,” he shrugged, throwing you down onto the couch and climbing on top of you.  When you tried to protest, or at least turn around to face him, he slapped your ass harshly and it stung even through the denim shorts.  “I have needs too, sis.  Can’t hardly get any when you’re here all damn day being a fucking cockblock.  And frankly, since you started dressing like this and acting like a whore, I haven’t even been able to think about anybody else… can’t get hard for anyone but my slutty little sister.”

He leaned down to press his body against yours, pinning you against the cool leather by your shoulders.  

“Steve told me about your account weeks ago, babe… I’ve been getting off to your cute little pictures ever since.”

It made you wince, but it made him laugh.  Shame and fear and disgust swirled in your gut and made you nauseous, his grip on you tight enough to leave a bruise as he dug his fingertips into your skin.  When he sat back up, he started pulling at your jean shorts roughly, ripping them slightly as he shoved them down to your thighs.

“Wow, look at this pretty little ass,” he groaned.  “A thousand guys have seen it, but it’s better in person.”  He slapped you again on either cheek, hard enough to make you yelp.  “What’s the matter, sis, I thought you liked being spanked?  You talk about it all the time.  You talk about how you want me to spank you raw and leave marks all over your body, hurt you and break you and claim you.”

“I— I wasn’t talking about you,” you defended, remembering how you always addressed the viewer when dirty talking in your videos, but keeping it generic enough that any guy could imagine it was him.

“Then who did you think about when you got off?  Who was it that got you wet for your videos?” he pressed.  “Because you’re wet right now… and I’m the only one here.”

You shook your head, you tried to speak to deny it, but words escaped you as he flipped you around and hovered above your face.

“Do you get wet for anybody, baby, is that it?  Will you spread your legs for any cock?  Or do you just have a special place in your cunt for your big brother?”

Your stunned silence earned you a slap to the face, sending your head spinning to the side as your cheek stung and burned.  Just as the heat of the impact really started to get to you, he hit you on the other side, and again, until you finally gave him an answer: “You!” you yelped suddenly.  “You, Sam, just you!”

He laughed a little, leaning down and capturing your lips in an unexpected, dominating kiss.  It was awkward and sloppy, exactly the sort of kiss one would expect when it was forced; just as passionless and confused on your end as a kiss to your step-sibling should be.  But he moaned against you and forced his tongue deeper into your mouth, hands coming down to grope your tits through your tank top and bra.  Trying to push him away was beyond useless, and he slapped you again without even breaking his lips away from yours.  Soon he was reaching to pull down your top— no, wait, he was tearing through it, and your bra snapped like a rubber band against his strength.  When he grabbed your breasts again, without any clothing in the way this time, your nipples were hard and sensitive between his fingers; it was so obvious that he smiled into the kiss, biting your lip playfully.  “Wow, you really do like this.  Your step brother’s forcing himself on you and you’re such a whore that you’re actually into it.”

He slapped your breast, just hard enough to sting, and you cried out; he did it again and your back arched.

“Yeah, I knew you just needed to be put in your place, little sis.  Just needed me to fix your attitude, that’s all.”  He wrapped his hand around your neck, not squeezing enough to cut off airflow but obviously threatening it, before leaning down to whisper in your ear: “get on the ground, on your knees.”

Even for what was left of your virginal innocence, you knew what he wanted.  Wordlessly, your only sounds the weak little sobs that shook your chest, you slipped out from beneath him and onto the floor by the couch.  He shifted to sit in front of you with wide legs, thick thighs spread as he looked down at you with an expression of anticipation.  

“Get on with it, honey, I know you know how.  Seen you choke on your toys a thousand times.”

After taking a stabilizing breath to cope with what was happening, shivering from the cold air on your exposed upper half, you sat up slightly and reached for his belt.  You’d felt it pressed against you before, but now you could see the shape of his cock threatening to burst out of his jeans, so thick and long that you were confident he heard the little gasp you let out.  And yet, you knew you had to trek forward, so you began to unclasp his belt before unzipping his fly.  He lifted his hips to help you pull his pants and boxers down, but other than that he was too busy stroking the side of your face with his fingers in a move much too delicate for the situation.  You stopped breathing for a second when you saw the size of him, his cock bouncing up when you released it to slap against his stomach.

“Sam, I can’t,” you sighed, starting to back away, “I’ve never— it won’t fit.”

“Nah, baby, it’s okay,” he encouraged gently, pulling you closer, “you can take it just fine.  Just open your mouth, sis…”

He guided the tip of his cock between your lips, still swollen from his bruising kiss, and you whimpered when you felt his warm skin against your tongue, tasting the salty pre-cum that leaked out slow and steady.

“Yeah, just like that, now go ahead and suck on me,” he instructed, groaning when you closed your lips and hollowed your cheeks, using your tongue to tease the slit like you’d read online was a good thing to do.  He chuckled and bucked up into you, holding your head as he started to pump his hips and slowly fill your mouth to the brim.  “See, you can do it— now choke on it.”

When he pushed in until you gagged, your first instinct was to push on his thighs and try to get away for air, but he held you down as he hissed through his teeth.

“I know you can take all of me in your throat if you just stop fucking fighting,” he hissed, slapping you one more time which caused your throat to open up in shock— and it was just enough for him to shove in deeper, groaning at the feeling.  “Yeah, that’s it… fuck…” he sighed, moving his hips faster.  The struggle for air made your eyes water (although you hadn’t really had much of a chance to stop crying in the first place) as your grip on his thighs tightened.  “I bet your pussy is getting so wet for me right now,” he chuckled, “I bet you love choking on my cock, huh?”

You tried to shake your head but you couldn’t really move much; he pulled you off of his length by your hair, just in time to give you a much-needed sputtering gasp for air.

“Fuck, I’d love to fill that pretty throat with my come,” he smiled— a sinister sort of grin that made you shudder as you looked up with him, feeling spit and pre-cum on your lips and chin— “but I know what you want.  Since you’ve spent all year begging to lose your virginity on the internet, I figure I’ll be nice and give you what you’ve been asking for.”

Before you could even begin to consider a response to that, he hoisted you up and threw you back onto the couch, spreading your legs as you looked away in shame.

“Yep, I was right, you’re fuckin’ soaked,” he laughed.  “You nasty little slut, are you actually getting off on this?  Wow.”

A renewed sense of ‘dear god this cannot happen’ shot through you as he leaned down and slid his cock over your folds, teasing your clit with his swollen head.  “Sam, stop, please…”

“I’m kind of getting tired of you begging,” he hissed as he leaned down, glaring right into your eyes as you froze beneath him.  “I’m obviously not going to stop,” he explained as his hand slipped around your throat, “you dumb fucking bitch.”

Your ability to fight back was taken with your opportunity to breathe, his strong fingers cutting off blood flow to your head quickly as he clamped down on your neck.  Instantly you clawed at his hand, your vision starting to go a little spotty, and he laughed at you coldly before letting go.  And when he finally did, his hand moved instead to hold both your wrists above your head while the other guided his cock into your pulsing entrance.  When he pushed his hips forward, the air was punched from your lungs as your back arched, a sharp pain reverberating over your body from the stretch of him inside you.

“Fuck!” he groaned, pushing in deeper, slow but consistent.  “You’re tight, baby, you really did need a cock to ruin this hole, huh?  Fuck, ‘m gonna, just hold still…”

But how could you hold still, when every instinct had you moving your hips to try to push his cock out, your hands tightening into fists as they tried to fight against his strength.  Of course, now that he was inside, he had a second arm to hold you down with, but the terrifying thing was that he really only needed the one.  “Sam!” you sobbed, your own voice sounding foreign with the way it wavered and cracked.

“Yeah, baby, that’s me inside you,” he purred, “that’s your big brother’s cock tearing up this little pussy…”

When he roughly shoved the rest of himself inside, the tip of his cock found the end of you and your eyes shot open.  He smiled down at you as he examined your face; twisted in pain, and glistening with tears turned greyish-black by your mascara.

“None of your toys ever went this deep in you before, huh?  Poor thing, should’ve known you were all talk… you don’t even know how to take those big cocks you drool over.  I can’t even imagine what you’ll be like when I put this in your ass.”

He cackled at the pure terror that danced over your expression, and the way your walls tightened around him briefly.  

“Relax, sis, not today.  I’m just sayin’, if you want me to keep my mouth shut to mom and dad, you’re gonna have to keep me happy.  Lucky for you, I’m very happy right now, snug inside this sweet little cunt of yours…” he trailed off, leaning down to kiss your cheek and moving to suck on your ear, bite your neck, lick up and down over your pulse.  He was waiting, you realized, for your body to relax so he could move inside you with less resistance.  You were a little surprised he didn’t just jackhammer into you with no regard for your pain, but you had a feeling that part was coming soon anyways.

He reached down to pull your legs up, guiding them to wrap around his hips, and the new angle forced his cock a little deeper which made you squeal.  The sound morphed into a stuttered moan, however, when he pulled back out of you slowly, savoring every detail of your walls as he sighed against your skin.

When he slammed back home, your nails dug into your own palms.

“Baby,” he whispered, “you’re close, aren’t you?  Just from this.  You always came so fast in your videos…”

Irritatingly, he was right; your walls were flexing as more slick coated his thick shaft, dripping down until you could hear the wetness whenever his hips slapped into yours.  You couldn’t help it, considering how he pushed right into your g-spot with every stroke inside you, hitting every sensitive place harder and better than any toy ever had.

“See, baby?  We were made for each other,” he cooed.  “You were made to take this cock.  You were meant to be my little fucktoy.”

You hated the way his words only added to your pleasure, pushing you right up to the edge— which his cock slamming all the way into you one last time finally sent you over.

“Oh, fuck,” he gasped when he felt the force of your orgasm, smiling pridefully as your eyes fluttered shut and your head fell back against the couch.  “So sensitive, sweetheart, and so fucking wet for me…”

He fucked you faster and— somehow— deeper, chasing his own release with aggressive thrusts into you.  Each of his low grunts against your ear sent shivers down your spine, your legs around him tightening to pull him closer.

Just as you thought he might find his rhythm for a while and maybe, if you were lucky, be finished with you soon, he pulled out quickly and patted your thigh.  “Hands and knees, baby,” he instructed, watching you shakily turn around and lift yourself on weak arms.  It was short-lived, though, as he pushed your face back down into the couch cushion, forcing your back into a dramatic arch that made you feel like your body was on display for him.  As if that wasn’t nerve-wracking enough, you couldn’t even see him much anymore, which meant you had no idea what he was reaching for when he leaned back— but you heard what it was when he turned it on.  “Oh, you recognize this?” he mused.  “It was my favorite of everything I saw you use.”

He rubbed the vibrator over your folds slowly, chuckling a little when you jolted each time it brushed against your clit.  You didn’t really understand why he would want to fuck you with a vibe when he seemed to have been enjoying doing it himself; but then he slid it up a little higher, to your other hole, and you gasped.  “S-Sam,” you pleaded.

“I know you took it here before.  I watched you do it.  I even heard you the night you filmed it— these walls are thinner than you think, sis.”

Shame burned on your face as you imagined him listening to you put something up your ass for the first time, only for him to see the video the next morning when you uploaded it.

“Do you think it’s gonna feel different when I put it in while I fuck you?” he mused, pushing the vibrating tip of it into your hole.  Thankfully it was pretty slender, so the stretch wasn’t bad, but the vibrations were strong enough that you could feel them everywhere, and you realized he would be able to feel them, too, while he was inside you.  “You’re gonna be so fuckin’ full, sis, stuffed to the brim just like you wanted.”

He pushed the toy in deeper until your hands clutched at the sofa beneath you, which was apparently his cue to guide his cock back into your drenched pussy.  Just as he promised, you felt so full that you had no idea how to cope with it, your legs shaking as you tried not to collapse beneath him.

“Fuuuuuck,” he groaned, moving himself and the toy at alternating paces inside you as you mindlessly drooled onto the cushion, your overstimulated body barely able to handle the sensations he was forcing upon you.  “You like being my little fucktoy, don’t you?  You’re so pretty like this, so pretty being used just like you deserve.”

“Sammy, please,” you sobbed, barely intelligible as you couldn’t really string your thoughts together anymore.

“You want more, huh?  Needy little slut,” he snarled, but the way he said it almost sounded like a compliment.  It certainly made your heart swell as if it was.  He fucked you faster, then, and pushed the vibrator as deep into your ass as it would go until you were sobbing and blubbering and basically just a complete mess beneath him.  “Keep squeezin’ me so tight and I’m gonna come inside you, sweetheart,” he moaned.

Some part of your brain was still aware enough to know that that was not a good idea, but you didn’t even really think to tell him not to because you knew he would anyway.  Finally, you had accepted that he was going to do whatever he wanted with you and your resistance only brought out his crueler side.  

“Fuck, come again for me,” he demanded, “come on my cock while I come inside you— that’s it, cream on my fucking cock while I fill you up, slut.”

It was jarring, the way his words suddenly knocked you over the edge again as you cried out, fresh tears filling your eyes and joining the damp spot beneath your face on the couch.  You felt both your holes clenching around the intrusions he had filled them with, your head going fuzzy and your limbs going numb from the intensity of your peak; waves of warmth washed over you as you slumped down a little bit, the distant sound of his praises just barely reaching your ringing ears.

His free hand held your hips tightly while the other kept pumping the vibrator into you, and even through all the overwhelming stimuli going on at the moment, you could feel his cock beginning to flex deep inside you.  Each pump of his come painting the deepest parts of you coincided with a low moan from him, the sound so cruelly perfect and forcing your channel to clamp down on him, weakly, one last time.

“Fuck, baby…” he groaned as he caught his breath, turning off the vibrator before slowly pulling it out of you and tossing it aside.  He kept his cock inside for longer, though, as he rubbed your ass and back gently.  “You’re gonna be such a good little fucktoy for me, sis, I just know it.”

He let you drop when he pulled out of you, your spent body limp and leaking on the couch as he stared down at you.

“I think you need a shower, sweetheart,” he chuckled.  “But first, you need to give me the password to your OnlyFans so I can help you delete it, okay baby?  We don’t need anybody else looking at what’s mine.”

#sam wilson smut #dark!sam wilson x reader #sam wilson dark fic

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS | CHAPTER 3

Rating: Explicit.

‼️TW: Reader is EIGHTEEN! Recreational drug use, smoking and alcohol consumption, deeply internalised self-loathing, very questionable moral standards. Daddy kink taken half-seriously. BDSM themes in later chapters - explicit content will come with it’s own TWs. FIRST PERSON POV.

Summary: You’re Peter’s classmate, a child of rich and famous but uncaring parents. Getting paired up for a lengthy project with the boy was an interesting turn of events and you don’t know whether to feel blessed or cursed when you develop, seemingly, a perfectly normal, harmless crush on Tony Stark. Fueled by feelings of inadequacy and boredom, your life spirals out of control - and you’re lucky your newfound friends are there to pick up the pieces even if you cannot find it in yourself to believe these amazing human (and not so human) beings voluntarily give you more than a fleeting glance and an offhanded thought. And they brought cake!

A/N: Peter always unapologetically stealing all the uwus. It’s the MCU law, sorry, didn’t make it. Tony Stark can ✨rail me✨. Enjoy, deviants.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub @mostly-marvel-musings​ @vozit​ @littlegasps​ @pilloclock​ @shereadsinquiet​

Beta read by the lovely and patient @miscmarvelwritings ! She deserves THE WORLD! I’m not kidding. Please visit her and show her some love, my homegirl is stressed 💖✨

I didn’t see Bruce nor Tony for a week. The doctor was away on some science conference (he sent me one dorky selfie next to a whiteboard full of barely intelligible equations as proof), Tony was in California, having some sort of a board meeting. How do I know? Peter, out of lack of better things to do, constantly texted me updates on his science patron’s whereabouts and what-abouts.

In times like these, it took me for a loop - I was on a first name basis with Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. In the beginning, I was intimidated - I avoided them both like the plague and tinkered in the lab with headphones on whenever I could, until Tony made a comment so snarky I couldn’t resist joking back. That’s not to say Bruce was a social butterfly, but even he gave into my tomfoolery after seeing me stand calmly throughout several of Tony’s hissy fits.

What amazed me even more so was that despite Tony being literally an insufferable little brat, I still longed after him. Sure, the man was hot as hell - but his physical traits were much less significant when it came to my feelings towards him than the amount of sheer drive and willpower he possessed. He was stubborn - that’s another trait we shared - and unapologetically himself in every damn situation.

I could write poetry about the million expressions in his face, about the shine in his eyes.

But I won’t. He’s a technical guru. Ever since I started hanging around the tower, I became much more conscious about what I posted online. Not to say I had a Stark fan blog or anything, but I’d stopped scrolling through the tag, even if I didn’t actually click on any articles. I dutifully reblogged pictures of Tom Ellis instead - while he was a very fine, distinguished man, he wasn’t Tony Stark. I enjoyed looking at the first and enjoyed being around the other. And even though my feed still had the occasional “I love arm” shitpost, I focused on aesthetic pictures and quotes instead - things I had an active internet presence for.

My personal life wasn’t very interesting. I didn’t have any close friends and any and all sex I’ve had was just a bunch of one night stands, fueled by alcohol, selfish lust and the occasional joint. Despite having a fair share of kind, generous lovers, the morning after left me feeling a little bit emptier every time. I thought about getting a boyfriend or something… But quickly became totally clueless as to where I could find one. Men under twenty-five could barely hold my interest long enough to have a casual chat and I wasn’t naive enough to think there were a lot of honest, well-intentioned thirty-somethings that wanted to date my high school ass.

Peter had a crush on me, I knew that. The boy developed one or another kind of feelings for anybody who showed him the tiniest bit of kindness and it alarmed me. In any other case I would have bailed on him, gently, of course, to spare him the disappointment but my selfishness got in the way. I regretted it every day. A wave of desperation rose in me every time I thought about moving on without seeing Tony or Bruce, without Peter shyly smiling at me as he explained how the things he created worked. A faint hope that one day, his schoolboy puppy love will grow into a brotherly kind of regard was the only thing that kept me afloat in my sea of guilt.

As the Fall rolled around, so did my gloomy mood. It was hard to be sad when the sun was shining and the birds were chirping outside, but with clouds hanging over the city like a lead curtain, the bottled up negativity rose to the surface uninvited. Mother had returned from her business trip, adding an uncomfortable, hollow sort of chill to the house wherever she stood. I don’t know what was worse - the hours we spent in one room ignoring each other or the immaculately structured questions she asked me about my studies and extra-curriculars. Mother didn’t ask me about my friends, or my feelings or any of the other things a mother was supposed to give a damn about.

I was an asset to her company and that was that. If you would have asked her, she would tell you I’m old enough for her to mind her own business - which was technically true. Yet according to her, I’ve been old enough since seventh grade. My dad answered his messages sporadically, sometimes with a two-word answer and sometimes with a cocaine and booze fueled rant eleven texts long. I felt sorry for him. I really did.

My phone was blowing up. Party invitations, likes from people I saw once or twice (“oh my god, you’re, like, so hot, what’s your Insta”), DMs from guys looking to score an easy piece of ass. I never answered. If I wanted to party, I just sort of showed up and everybody went along with it. I took care of my appearance and it showed - never once was I turned away from a party. Everyone wanted to dance, to share their drinks, to light up and get faded together and fade into the city, into the cold air and grey sky.

Skirt swaying and top clinging to my chest, I danced. The sweaty, heated bodies around me did the same. Not one of us cared, it was a Tuesday night and the place packed way too many people. An arm snaked around my waist, startling me. I had to begrudgingly crack open an eye to see the bastard in the dimly lit room.

“I saw you at the bar, you looked bored. Maybe you need something to cheer you up?”

So not a creepy rapist. Just your friendly neighborhood drug dealer. At house parties like these, there was always The Guy. He never danced, he sipped on the same drink all night yet always looked like he was having the time of his life. I was no stranger to the occasional joint, or even something more stimulating…

“I got the good stuff, sweetums, you’ll be fine and dandy in no time.”

Eh, what the hell. I inconspicuously danced with the guy to the middle of the crowd, exchanging a few crumpled dollar notes for a baggie of two pills. In no time, I chased one down with a hastily poured Jack.

The world did become better, as the drug dealer promised. People were nicer, friendlier and I almost didn’t believe mother was a useless, stone cold bitch. I almost didn’t care that I was deeply, madly in love with a man as unreachable as Olympus. If I squinted, the guy sitting at the bar looked kind of like Tony, tan, dark hair, worn jeans and a band tee.

So I danced. I danced and I stared right at him and then we danced some more. I closed my eyes, letting his arms grab me and pull me, I let his beard scratch my neck where he sucked a mark on me, I let his rough palms choke me against a wall in one of the bedrooms on the second floor of the house. It felt good to be wanted. It felt great to be needed as he rutted inside of me, hitting that sweet spot with every twitch of his hips.

It felt lonely when he left, pressing a kiss to my forehead and saying something dumb like “Be good, kid.”. I don’t remember what exactly it was, only that I had to turn my face away from his breath that reeked like weed and vodka.

To shake off the void that made home inside of my chest, I went to the roof to get some fresh air. The house had a nice patio on it - I actually knew the owner - that hosted more plants than I’d care to count. There was an ashtray and an abandoned pack of cigarettes. I greeted the faintly blooming sunrise surrounded by a cloud of smoke, shivering in the autumn mist.

Sounds of the party became less prominent with every passing minute as people geared up to go home and get a few winks of sleep before going to work. New Yorkers weren’t really thoughtful partying on a Tuesday, but then again, neither was I. The city always was busy - even then, at the crack of dawn, the dull throb of a bassline was rudely interrupted by a blaring car alarm followed by dogs barking in aggravation.

The more I sat there, the bleaker everything became. I had enough common sense to know I was just coming off the drug but for once, I had been happy and content for several hours without a care in the world. It had been too long since I felt that way and what’s a little low after a good high?

Mother left for her early conference at five AM sharp, I entered my house at five-thirty, making a beeline in the shower and immediately dumping my alcohol and cigarette soaked clothes into the wash with the smelliest detergent I could find. I gave similar treatment to my body and my hair, using the chemically-smelling products on my body and on my hair, brushing my teeth multiple times.

By the time I was leaving for school, only a faint smell lingered in the air where I’d previously entered, so I set the air freshener to automatically spray the obnoxious mist every ten minutes. Mother gets home at twelve for lunch, that should be more than enough time for any remnants of my partying to disappear into the lilac and lavender fumes.

The Valium I’d popped to deal with the aftermath of Molly made my brain sluggish. One look in the mirror and I hastily put my sunglasses on - the ashen colour of my face and the slightly crazed look wasn’t very complimentary to my complexion. The teacher didn’t give a damn. I stared blankly ahead of me for most part of first period.

“What happened to you? You look like hell!” Peter’s exclamation, while usually would’ve alarmed me, barely made a dent in my stupor.

“I feel like shit, too,” Admit what you can’t deny. Deny what you can’t admit. “I didn’t get any sleep. Like, at all.”

Peter frowned, the crease between his eyebrows growing deeper with every passing second. I flinched when his hand tentatively touched my forehead - the pounding in my temples slowed to a dull throbbing but it was still unpleasant when someone was all up in my space.

“Jesus, you’re as cold as a corpse. Maybe you should go see the nurse,” His worry bled into me too. Like hell I was going to the school nurse! They were specifically trained to recognize the signs of substance abuse.

“I’ll head home straight after school, I think we’ll have to skip our sciencing,” No way also I’d be letting Tony and Bruce see me like this. Oh my God, I was a mess. “Mother’s home.” I added. Even the emotional frostbite I’d get from being around her was more tolerable than being a downer for Peter and Tony.

Peter’s face immediately softened in sympathy. He knew almost everything about my relationship with my family, including him actually seeing my mother that one time. He told me she gave him the creeps and I don’t blame him at all. The stoicism that was required for her work made my mother an unbearable person to exist around outside of her fancy office on the top floor of a glass high-rise building.

“Okay, but promise to text me if it gets worse. You might have caught the autumn bug that’s been going around,” He obviously said the last part to calm himself down. Sweet little Peter, naïve child. I solemnly nodded nonetheless.

When I got home, I went straight to bed. Tony was being Tony, as usual, but in a strangely kind way. I suppose it should’ve made me feel better and it kind of did, but then it went downhill from there. I couldn’t explain why I started crying. I bawled my eyes out at how unfair this god-damned world was and when the doorbell rang… Let’s say, the delivery boy hightailed it out of there once the bag of takeout was deposited into my arms. I looked and felt ghastly.

I ate as much as I could and dropped into a restless nap, drifting in and out of sleep with exhausted exasperation. There had not been a time where I felt so low after popping a pill and I was equal parts alarmed and satisfied. For one, the drug dealer didn’t lie like they usually do - the stuff was good and I still had the other pill hidden away in a bottle of painkillers, inconspicuously mixed with other white pills but shape distinctive enough for me to recognize should I have need in taking it again.

The thought of well, taking it again, was fleeting. I had school tomorrow and a missed science bender to make up for. A few buzzes of my phone later, I felt happier. Better. Not so down anymore. I meant every word that I said - Bruce was very precious, kind and gentle. And so, warm and soft. And totally kissable.

Well, fuck. What do I do now?

#bun writes #party favours #tony stark x reader #tony stark x y/n #bruce banner x y/n #bruce banner x reader #stephen strange x reader #Stephen Strange x y/n #I've already got a room in Hell y'all welcome to book one nearby

[tasteofgummies]

Can i request a relationship with jonathan and also joseph(part3 specifically) 👉👈

Im nonbinary and use they/them, but like to be called "boyfriend" when it comes to relationships. I love being called petnames like "darling," "pretty boy," "angel," and "sweetie."

Im about 5'0 (thats 152.4cm) with a small frame and im really into tall people. 👀

I know a lotta useless information and i hyperfixate on certain topics (i have ADHD).

I'm really bad at math and reading, and generally im not very smart, but i am full of LOVE :)

Im a good listener, but often ask people to repeat themselves if i was hardcore spacing off while they were talking. Im good with animals. Im pretty good at drawing. Im really cuddly. I really like fire bc it is neat. Its easy to make me laugh, usually at dumb stuff that aren't actually real jokes. If you say "peepee" to me i will cackle and that is a threat.

I quote memes and vines a lot. And if the person im talking to doesnt get it, i will show the meme/vine to them on the spot.

If someone says something mean to me, i usually let it roll off my back, but some things just stick with me and make me feel self-conscious forever. I need reassurance if im not in a good mental headspace.

I hope that info isnt waaaay too specific 😭 thanks for reading all that lmao 🙏

Sorry for the wait, really, i was without internet because of the place, but here it is 💜

Jonathan x you ✨

•Jonathan is also very full of love, he loves you so much that the "warm feeling in his chest" is now a giant forest fire situation

•He doesn't like when you call yourself "not very smart" at all, you are very smart! He will reassure the hell outta you when you say that

•Can and will listen to your favorites topics for hours! You can always see his "i'm so in love with my angel" smile while you talk

•This man right here is the king of pet names, sometimes he wants to call you by your name but his mouth just says: "My love, what time is it?", "Darling boy, how have you been?"

•He's never upset to repeat himself, he gets that you space off sometimes, and that's fine

•Like we could see with Danny, Jonathan is an animal lover, so he's quite joyful his boyfriend is good with them

•"The animals love you for your pure heart, angel, just like i do" he says while you got a puppy in your lap

•In his birthday, he asks for a portrait of yourself, please 👉👈 He would love to have it in his room and kiss it every night

•Makes campfires for you, and you eat marshamellows together

•Jonathan doesn't fully understand your humor, but finds it cute

•He search for "most popular vines to quote" in Google, the boy tries

•Very angry when someone is mean to you, and won't let them get away with it

•"You should reconsider what kind of person makes such a beautiful person feel bad for pleasure! That was unkind from you and you don't have the right to speak to my darling or to anyone like that"

•When you aren't at your best, giant teddy bear Jonathan Joestar is there to help, he will praise you all you need as he kisses all of what you call "imperfections"

Joseph x you ✨

•He calls you baby boy, pretty boy or simple plain Honey, but is very likely that he has another c u r s e d petnames

•Joseph Joestar is an asshole who makes fun of your height, but he's also really into it, makes him want to protect you 🥺

•You remind him of his old days, so he's smooth with you

•Young Joseph probably will be learning about the topics you hyperfixate in, but this one is just listening and ocassionally asking

•He's not annoyed at all for having to repeat himself with you, only a little concerned if you're a Crusader, because he's scared you were spacing off while he was giving information that could help you in case you were in danger

•Joseph likes dogs, and loves how every animal you pet in the streets starts following you, when this happens, he lifts you up and holds you like a baby in his arms, "They are my little beautiful angel, back off" he says to the dog that was following you after you pat their head a block ago, then he kisses you sweetly

•When you laugh at vines or memes that aren't actually jokes, he laughs with you and smiles, because he remembers having that crackhead energy himself (also i hc that in modern day, young Joseph would have been like a tiktok/vine superstar bc he's funny and also really hot)

•Oh, you are cuddly, well, you are talking to Mr "my hugs are the tightest ever" Joestar

•He protecc

•Really, every single detail that can make you feel bad, he fixes it, no one has the right to make his angel boy feel bad

•This man simps hard for you, for him there's nothing wrong in you, everything is just perfect

#jjba #jjba headcanons #jjba x reader #jojo headcanons #jonathan jojo #jonathan x reader #jjba jonathan #jonathan headcanons #jonathan joestar #joseph joestar headcanons #joseph x reader #jojo joseph #oldseph #jojo no kimyō na bōken #jjba imagines

[bellphiie-main]

Tanjiro and insecure reader

(skippable) rant: a bit of a self insert. recently I’ve been doing research on a disorder i think i have (not self diagnosing, just researching so I can decide to get tested) and it’s making me realize a bunch of stuff. I’m terrified of social interaction :,) yet I can somehow post my writing for the whole internet to see.. anyways if you’re reading this and not judging me then thank you. i appreciate you taking the time to read my writing. and the fact that some of you think it’s good enough to reblog and to have on your page?? i will cry

this almost feels too personal but I’m putting it out there. please be kind, im not used to exposing this part of me :)

Italic is readers thoughts

tw: insecurity, reader scrutinizing themselves. anxiety themes (fear of humiliation)

Unedited

~~~

I think I look okay today.

No.. Your hair is sticking out. It’s not flat enough. And your eyes have huge bags under them. This looks okay?

Maybe I don’t..

Should you even bother going out? People are going to stare. And laugh. You know they will. You somehow always manage to meet someone’s eyes when you go out, making you even more self conscious.

Were they staring at me? No, they probably think I’m staring at them. They totally think I’m weird now, right? Maybe they hate me.

“I should just stay in my room. It’s safer.” You mumble.

“You’re not going to train?”

Your shoulders tense at the sudden voice, your eyes moving from your own reflection slightly to the left, meeting the kind eyes of Tanjiro.

Don’t cry. It’s okay, you shouldn’t cry- please stop crying. This is so embarrassing..

You feel wetness on your cheeks. Why were you crying? You had no reason to. Tanjiro was just checking on you. Right? Or did he come here to help you point out your flaws?

“Hey- are you crying? What’s wrong?” His concerns filled the silence, followed by footsteps coming closer. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Please stop crying..

Tanjiro’s hand finds your head, giving it a soft pat and remaining in place. The kindness and softness is the gesture makes you feel hot. You’re probably blushing, you realize.

I look so stupid right now. I bet my face is an ugly red, too.

“What’s wrong?” He asks again, much quieter this time.

“Nothing. I’m being dumb. I’m sorry you had to see me like this.”

Why do I sound like that? What’s wrong with my voice? Is it too deep? Too high? I shouldn’t have talked in the first place.

“If you say so. Your hair is different.” He points out, removing his hand and staring at it.

Different? I bet he means bad. He’s just too nice to say it to my face. He’ll tell Nezuko about it, I’m sure.

He must have noticed the drop in your smile as he quickly shakes his head, one hand sheepishly scratching the back of his neck, “not in a bad way! You look really cute.” His face turns red at the realization of what he said, about to apologize when he sees more tears in your eyes. “H-hey I’m sorry! Please forgive m-“

“Did you mean it?” His voice seems to leave him. The way you sounded was so broken. He felt his heart tighten as he realizes what was going on. Why you were staring at yourself in the mirror for so long. You didn’t even notice his entrance.

“Of course I meant it. Why would I lie about that?” His question sends your thoughts spiraling.

He doesn’t think I’m ugly? He doesn’t think the way my face looks is atrocious? He’s lying. He has to be.

“Hey. Look in the mirror for me?” He takes your hand and faces the mirror himself. When you refuse to turn back, he frowns. “Just for a little bit. Please?”

Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes and face the mirror. Tanjiros hand leaves yours, and for a moment, you think he realized that he was wrong about you looking cute.

“Wow.” He breaths out. Curiosity got the best of you, causing you to open your eyes. Tanjiros reflection locked eyes with you, making you avert them quickly. “Your eyes are so pretty. The shade of E/C suits you very well.”

My eyes are.. pretty?

“And your nose. It’s so cute. It complements your cheeks perfectly. And I can do this.” He gently turns your head twards him and lightly touches the end of your nose. “Boop.”

“H-hey..” you raise your hands to hide your cheeks, feeling the heat rise.

“Don’t hide your face from me. Please let me continue.” Tanjiro softly takes your hands, but doesn’t move them from where you placed them. A silent way of asking for consent, he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or overwhelm you.

“Okay..” removing your hands you turn back to the mirror.

“Your hair always looks so soft. And I love how you change up the style every once in a while.” His hand finds its way back into your hair, gently twirling a small section. “And the H/C really brings out your eyes. See?” He moves behind you, pulling any hair away from your face to see it more clearly.

Silence takes over the room. Your hands trembling, the look in his eyes telling you he’s being completely honest. He’s not lying. “Tanjiro..” your lips curve upwards before you have a chance to stop it. Your hand covers it as quickly as you can, but it’s too late. He’s already seen it.

“Please don’t hide your smile from me. It’s one of my favorite things about you.”

One.. of?

“I could point out every small thing about you that I love. But then we would be here forever. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.” He releases your hair and his arms wrap around you from behind. “I wish I could make you stop feeling this way. But I know there’s nothing more I can do than reassure you.”

Turning in his arms, you decide to face your fears. You hug him tightly, allowing him to see you in your most vulnerable state. Big tears in your eyes, ugly wetness running from your nose. There’s no way you looked ‘cute’ right in this moment.

“I’m sorry you had to see me like this.” You try to pull away, but his grip remains firm.

“Don’t apologize for being vulnerable. We all have our insecurities. We all have our own battles. I’m just glad you’ve let me assist you with yours.”

Battles, huh? Yeah, I’ve still got a long way to go. But with Tanjiro by my side, maybe I can do it.

“Thank you, Tanjiro.”

#tw: insecurities #tw: anxiety #kny x reader #tanjiro kamado x reader #tanjiro x reader #demon slayer x reader #kimetsu no yaiba x reader #tanjiro kamado x you #kny x you #demon slayer x you #kny reader insert

[miniwolfsbane]

JWCC Sammy Gutierrez and body positivity

THIS IS VERY LONG! (I just have a lot of feelings!) Also, this is personal and doesn’t talk a lot about Sammy and is just one big rant. 

Comment I wrote on the S2 preview “Also, shout out to the creators for making Sammy heavy, but it not effecting or having anything to do with her character. OR have her be obsessed with food. I'm sure other 90s kids remember the fat kid trope. Not doing fat logic, but we've come so far from the old days! As a woman who had that kind of body type growing up (had skinny friends, developed early, etc. it all was uncomfortable for many reasons. Long story.), it's amazing to see this kind of...semi-body positivity that's quiet and unspoken in a show aimed at everyone, including girls.  If I had seen this character at 13, my mind would've been blown. Kudos!!”

I’m reeeally tired and getting to that point where I get emotional about stupid stuff. However, this isn’t that stupid...maybe? 

We’ve reached a milestone, a kind of apex in American society, where being fat is no longer a running gag and it’s celebrated to be thick and/or a healthy weight. (Not to say skinny isn’t cool and it’s sure as heck better than carry 90+ pounds if it can be helped, but, as I said on Youtube, lots of 90s fat tropes were had, were they not? Every body type has their problems, blessings, and issues.) But, health is also a big issue and losing weight is too. I’m all for losing weight, but I also know what it was like growing up a fat kid, then a fat teenager in the 90s and 2000s when we didn’t have representation and people like Tocorra Jones, Melissa McCarthy,  Ashley Graham and Rebel Wilson around to promote different body shapes and/or being a little heavy or curvy while still being healthy. (Melissa and Rebel have lost weight and I applaud them full circle!)

Anyway, It is downright uplifting to see Sammy in JWCC like this! Being “thicker” than her two female friends doesn’t slow her down or hinder her in anyway. She is not obsessed with food. She is not constantly eating. Likewise, she has an actual personality and an interesting secret and backstory. The fans seem to love her. She is not dressed immodestly and she doesn’t seem to have ANY negative opinions of her body type, for now. Likewise, in a fast paced show like this, no one is talking behind her back about her weight or eating habits (again, for now. This could change in upcoming seasons, we don’t know.) Come to that, she’s fairly intelligent and isn’t dumb. Like, how many times have we seen a fat, dumb person in a show. (I’m looking at you Chris Griffin and Cleveland Jr!) This could’ve gone SO SIDEWAYS in her character creation any number of ways and I’m just amazed it didn’t. However, this maybe is attributed to the show being an action show and not a comedy? In any case, I’m so glad girls of this generation can see it. I wish I’d had it at their age. (It’s probably because her VA is heavy, but heavier than how Sammy is portrayed, to my knowledge. I’ve only seen her years ago on Disney channel.  Who cares why? It happened and I’m glad.) Please be assured, I’m NOT trying promote fat acceptance, just inclusivity, relatability, and representation. 

Like I say all the time, I’m not super heavy. I never was. As I said in the comment, I developed early and had mostly skinny friends growing up. I remember being about 11 and hosting my first sleepover and someone pointing to my arms at my stretch marks, asking what they were. I wasn’t traumatized and they didn’t tease me, but I was a little (a lot?) self-conscious. Like, can we please get the idea out of our head that ONLY pregnant women get stretch marks?? (Cocoa butter companies, hello?!) They can happen to girls that grow tall fast or, like me, you can have them all freaking over because the puberty button in your brain got stuck. (LOL?) And calling them cute things like skin lightning doesn’t really help. My limbs and body still look weird.

I don’t remember seeing many characters shaped like me in shows as a kid or teenager.  Unless maybe Simpsons characters with their pudgy bellies who may be some of the most average, realistic bodies in all of fiction, really. We can’t all be supermodels and body builders. Sailor Moon girls were all thin and leggy. None of the Magic School Bus kids were pudgy, all average and healthy (which is probably a good thing in a way. IDK. Representation is great, but so is promoting healthy eating and healthy shapes. Everything has their place.)  Disney characters were mostly animals at the time, and I didn’t see Recess until Highschool or something at 3 am, and even then, there was only Mikey. Mikey was progressive, but he wasn’t female. Closest I got was Ariel’s (Little Mermaid) sister, Adella ( https://littlemermaid.fandom.com/wiki/Adella) and even then, she had no belly and never animated the same outside of the series with not much character development or anything.

Cassie from Animorphs might’ve been a close second, but, though she was my favorite female character as a kid (not anymore), it was hard to say “OMG, she’s shaped like me!” as it was a book series with few visual aides outside of covers, posters and some toys. 

I remember seeing the singing group Cherish for a few seconds on TV once. A bunch of thick, busty, heavy black girls and I was SO EXCITED because for those few seconds on TV, there were girls that looked like me! Then some years later I found out a few of them lost weight and I was like bleh. (I didn’t follow their music or anything, not even sure how I saw them again.) Not that disapprove, health is essential, and I encourage people to lose weight for themselves, but it was nice having some representation. Except health needs to come first. It’s a two-edged sword if I ever saw one.

Don’t get me started on the sheer amount of girls with small/flat chests on TV. (No offense! See above about body types. Again, it’s about representation and seeing someone that looks like you that was not common in the 90s and early 2000s) I’m picky though. I wanted to see more representation, but the minute I saw it, I was not impressed or annoyed. To my better judgement, I saw a few episodes of something I won’t name with a curvy lead. I found her times dressing up as a man unconvincing and confusing because of her body shape. Other times I was, for lack of a better word, slightly appalled at her own size, even though she somewhat looked like me. I know, it makes no sense. Other times, I was mad at Lizzy Mcguire or another show for having skinny characters with A-cups while I was, er, way past training bras and smaller bras by 14/15 when the show was new.

Swearz, I developed (pun not intended!) this weird conspiracy theory that Disney execs have to look at the Star’s mom and other women in their family before casting a girl to make sure she stays thin/average chested for the shows entire run. Outside of one show, all shows in that era had the same thin girl body type. (And not much representation for different races for Disney back then, but that’s another debate for someone to better handle, not me.) 

All that said, my shape was attributed to four things: Diet, genetics, lack of exercise and my mom’s cooking. Not sure how much I subscribe to the “genetics effect body fat theory”, but the “genetics effect body shape” is definitely a thing! And hormones in chicken. My family said all I ever wanted when I was little was McDonald’s chicken nuggets all the time, so I think that had some play in how I turned out. It’s probably too much to get into here, and no one cares about my sob story, so let’s move on.

Sammy is awesome and I hope to see more characters like her from other studios in the future. Every body type needs representation, but every body also deserves to be healthy and nourished.

EDIT: WARNING: THE VIDEO AND  THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS TALK ABOUT ED AND CALORIE RESTRICTION!!

OMAHGAWWWD! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ROTTEN IN THE INDUSTRY, Y’ALL!! (Okay, that’s obvious, but you don’t really give it thought in your day to day life.)

The video gives a summary of Jenette McCurdy’s time on iCarly and the horrors she’d been going through in her younger years, which included an eating disorder and restricting calories to an (alleged) 900. Dear lord, that is sickening.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCE1x_chT34

Granted, I would take this with a small grain of salt as it’s from the internet, and undoubtedly, many actresses, probably more than we realize, have ED’s. If they would start encouraging them to be at healthy weights, things like this wouldn’t happen. Frick Nickelodeon and frick the acting industry!! 

So, this was what I was trying to convey. Casting and producers need to find that middle ground. Don’t promote fact acceptance, but do not force your actors/actresses to be stick thin either.  I could go on a huge tangent, but I don’t have the brain power right now. If you have an ED or know someone that does, I strongly encourage you to get help. I’ve been in tight spots like that (I knew of people or knew people), but getting REAL help from a doctor, professional, or someone with a good head on their shoulders is better than hiding it or keeping it secret. Ten years down the line, you’ll be thankful you did and not have regret. No one is perfect, but sometimes you have to fight harder to find a solution and someone that will actually listen to you and take your concerns to heart. 

If I get negative comments, I’ll be deleting this and no one will be able to enjoy it. Think before you type and don’t be a jerk.

#health #rant #body #body type #growing up thick #curvy girl #curvy latina #JWCC #Jurassic World #Netflix #body rant #female #omgcheckplease #complaints #Disney #I have theories #representation #body representation #unfair #skinny #women #shapes #bras #eating #food

[jefferyryanlong]

Fresh Listen - Aura Bora, Was (Bandcamp, 2017)

(Some pieces of recorded music operate more like organisms than records. They live, they breathe, they reproduce. Fresh Listen is a periodic review of recently and not-so-recently released albums that crawl among us like radioactive spiders, gifting us with superpowers from their stingers.)

It takes a particular kind of genius to compose a great rock lyric. It doesn’t require a great lyricist, per se. Dylan could certainly toss off a snappy non-sequitur once in a while (See “From a Buick 6″), but mostly had the tendency to spiral into dreamscape, or invoke the meter and imagery of the Bible. And sometimes he would just goof off on “I love you, you love me, goin’ down the sugar tree” pop song dumbness. 

Paul Simon’s words, on the other hand, seem sweated from the self-consciousness of an English Lit “A” student with a subscription to The New Yorker and an obsession with figuring crossword puzzles form the Times. Joni Mitchell is too great a Poet in the big “P” sense of the word, too mellifluous and refined, to lumped in with inane and insignificant rock music-word writers, though after a joint or two she might let her hair down and “wreck her stockings in some jukebox dive.” 

Even Chuck Berry, who more or less codified the aesthetics of a great rock and roll lyric, was perhaps too evolved a wordsmith for the genre he helped invent. Even though, for presumably commercial reasons, he became fixated on the afternoon minutiae of teenage hi-jinks, his great songs are truly great, by any genre’s measuring cup. “Memphis, Tennessee” is essentially a short story with an unexpected and heartbreaking twist at the end, and “The Promised Land” transforms geography into poetry in a way the Beats attempted but never so successfully (also slipping in a subtle commentary on the racism embedded in this country, in some places more dangerously so than others).

Great rock lyrics don’t aim high. But they cut deep. They don’t purport to be anything more than they are, a tossed off evocation of frustration or longing or dismissiveness (or all three together), a conscious Freudian tumble. For that reason, they threaten a kind of senselessness, if you peer too deeply into them. And you never should peer too deeply into them, unlike, as you might, “Court and Spark.” Their value is face-value only, and if a rock lyric doesn’t strike you once and hard, it might as well pass you by altogether. Jim Hendrix: “Acting funny, but I don’t know why / ‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky.” The Strokes: “Leaving just in time / Staying for a while / Rolling in the ocean / Trying to catch your eye.” Television: “I was listening, listening to the rain / I was hearing, hearing something else.” Hinds: “The satisfaction of / The inundation of / When you ring my bell / And I want to be ready for your smell.” These lyrics suggest and allude to much, but nothing more significant than what the words themselves are, and how they are sung.

By some melding of sympathetic creative minds, the former (they go away so fast) Hawai‘i rock band Aura Bora tapped into a metaphysical Rosetta Stone to translate their primitive heart-wishes into some of most compelling and seemingly effortless rock lyrics I’ve heard from any band, local or otherwise. Was, their 2017 album of eleven songs (two of them covers), is yet another example of how so many talented Hawai‘i-based bands move on from projects that must have squeezed so much time and emotion and embittered love from them (see Linus). Not only did Aura Bora rock hard with a skewed feel for rock riffs and melody, they were able to, with a jeweler’s eye for the brilliance just beyond the blemished surface, universally encapsulate what it meant to be a hard-drinking, band-playing, insecure scenester, beautifully over-analyzing relationships and flitting skittishly around the things they love for fear of the inevitable crushing. 

Was (an apt title from a group that posted its music on Bandcamp after disbanding) kicks off with a song that firmly establishes Aura Bora’s sonic profile. apart from an uncharacteristically restrained vocal from singer-guitarist Jhune Liwanag. In fact, the sound of the album and its arrangements and aural inspirations, are consistent throughout all the songs, reminiscent of the best first rock records (Please Please Me, Is This It, to name a couple). Joey Green’s drums are competent and energetic all the way through--perhaps to a fault, as there were a couple opportunities in which subtlety and variation might have better suited the material. 

That said, the music doesn’t suffer from the overly competent and loud drums. On that first track, “Whatever,” the one idiosyncrasy is Jhune’s disaffected vocal, adapted per the sentiment of the song. In all other performances, Jhune squeezes an evolving galaxy of rage, lust, anxiety, diffidence, and even affection (though guardedly so) from her singular vocal cords. “Whatever” is a kind of let-down doo-wop in which Caleb Hartsfield lays out the jagged, discordant harmonies through his consistently stunning lead guitar.

Caleb shares a vocal on the duet “Sour Skittles,” notable mostly for the guitarist’s unintelligible shouting. I get that we’re talking punk rock here, but I wish the band would have invested more truth-value into the song, with Caleb attempting tunefulness instead of burying the composition in meaningless emoting (vocals are best left to Jhune).

But Caleb’s contributions to Aura Bora far outweigh his deficiencies. The disappointed “No Good” wrecks his sympatico fills against Jhune’s lines, echoing a kind of lovelorn impatience. And on “Band-Aid,” he locks big into mystifying punk guitar, a sound that is not supposed to make sense but does, the riffs so off as to raise  a middle finger to classic rock tropes, rhythmic but unbalanced, dizzied by youthful ferocity. “Band-Aid,” begins as a kiss-off a la “Positively 4th Street” (”You’re not dressed up the way you used to / You’re hair is fading and unkempt / It’s hard to come home from vacation / When you can barely pay the rent”) but, as if buoyed by it’s own relentless energy, the band pushes through toward optimism: “You’ve got some love to give, you just need some direction.” One paper it may come off as a tad twee, but in the context of the song it mixes a strong antidote to alleviate the negativity.

The first of the album’s stand-out tracks is “Gross,” which, if rearranged only slightly, could have been a hit for one of those street-toughened girl-groups of the early 1960s. “Would you like to take a walk with me off the pier of uncertainty?” Jhune sings with a defiance that almost preempts a response in the negative. “I think we share a common goal, the constant struggle to feel whole,” is just one of the lovable couplets in this abrasive seduction she lays on the presumably indifferent recipient of her affections: “I hope my voice gets stuck inside your brain.”

“Getting emotional / There’s danger in writing songs about the people you know” sets “Emotional” up as biography, or the use of art to reconcile and make meaningful the monumental banalities of our life episodes. Less a melody than a screed, June hashes out her memories in an effort to move toward an expression that she herself can own, that is not co-opted or underwritten by the sometimes bad intentions of partners of the past.

I wouldn’t have taken the time to write this post, or to delve as deeply into the music of Aura Bora, if not for “Ghibli Tears,” the extended masterpiece following bassist Will Adair’s otherwise undistinguished “Ghibli Beers.” “If you could hear my inner monologue / You’d be enamored of my thoughts / Are you still with that guy who told you not to smile?” Jhune sings, in one of the more tender tonalities on the human spectrum. But the power with which Jhune swings her emotional fist--as a singer-guitarist as well as a songwriter--is that she refuses to play a character in someone else’s story. Her thrust is in defining herself and her state of mind, not abdicating that authority out of need or desire.  When Jhune declares, “To be honest, I’d rather be feared than liked / I won’t say yes if you ask me to spend the night / But I’ll take saccharine over nothing,” she reclaims a narrative that initially presents her a vulnerable. On “Ghibli Tears,” and throughout Was, the persona Jhune creates is so compelling--despite the ridiculousness and hypocrisies inherent in coupling up she remains, just past the exterior hardened by a string of unworthy and memorable-only-in-their-badness affairs, open to love and hope and the struggle to, as she puts it, “feel whole.” “Ghibli Tears” is more than a song, it is six or so minutes of that buried lonesomeness that resounds when, despite all that it is around us, we recognize that there is, undeniably, something missing against which the evocation of loneliness can resound.

The covers (”Falling Out of Love With You” and “We Are the Crystal Gems”) are fun and would have added levity, I’m sure, to Aura Bora’s live repertoire.

Like so much I write about on Fresh Listen, I’d like to see this record float, hopefully to some distant shore, to a new tribe of listeners that hear themselves as I hear versions of myself in these songs. The tragedy would be to let them sink under the tide of digital sonic trash widely available over the Internet. In the plainest lyrical terms, and with their indefatigable musical arrangements, Aura Bora documents, with a wicked sense of humor and hope, how hard it is sometimes: the human condition. 

#freshlisten #aurabora #was #bandcamp

[anonymoustalks]

It was difficult being vegetarian on dorm, i said i would return once i was done

(6-20-20) You both like conversation.

You: hi

Stranger: Hey

You: anything on your mind?

Stranger: Blank slate over here

Stranger: Very zen

Stranger: Tabula rasa

You: that's nice

You: I've been thinking about my self-esteem

Stranger: How high it is?

You: mhm right now it's kind of on the low side

Stranger: Ooof

Stranger: Everyone has those moments

You: so on omegle I often go to the #politics tag

You: and I often get called dumb

You: and I'm reflecting on that i think

Stranger: Talking politics online is a mistake

You: mhm ^^ yeah it's poor judgement

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: How old are you?

You: 26

You: I like to find strongly opinionated people

You: and talk to them

You: because I want to understand them

Stranger: People who talk politics online arent here to come to an understanding

You: but I think in part through the way I talk, I end up getting called dumb a lot

You: mhm

Stranger: Welp, calling someone dumb isnt cool

You: yeah a lot of them are mean

You: but I want to know why they're angry

Stranger: Read books or articles

You: mhm I guess

Stranger: Not random internet weirdos opinions

You: I feel like I'm just skeptical when I read books/articles by professors or whichever about "white rage" or things like that

You: so I think it's valuable to talk to people from places where I've never been to

Stranger: People have trouble articulating thoughts and opinions, especially with topics that make them angry

You: mhm

You: I try to ask them about what their life is like

You: and things they care about aside from the hot button issues

Stranger: Truu

You: A lot of them are just really mean though

Stranger: Welcome to the internet

You: yeah

You: anyway enough about me

You: what do you normally talk about on omegle? ^^

Stranger: Oof, anything really

Stranger: Books, shows, hobbies

You: mhm

You: I like to talk about values

You: or like things that are important to you

You: kind of like if there is one thing in the world

You: that you would never give up

Stranger: No wonder you've had so many bad experiences

You: lol why?

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Whats your values?

You: mhm, I think I value empathy

You: and just being kind

Stranger: I can see that

You: as for things I wouldn't give up...

You: I guess my individuality

You: (whatever that means)

You: sorry it's super abstract haha

Stranger: Lol, thats cool

Stranger: Values usually are

You: um, for physical things, I wouldn't want to give up the internet lol

Stranger: Is the internet physical?

You: fine lol, I guess that's abstract lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You dont want to give up the server rooms and cables

You: lol

You: I'm not christian, but I find the concept of giving things up during lent fascinating

Stranger: What about ramadan you western centric shill

You: haha

You: I actually don't know anything about ramadan

Stranger: Ohhh

Stranger: I dont know a ton about it either tbh

You: I think I just remember people talking about fasting

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: They fast and avoid water during the day

You: mhm

You: I think lent interests me because I had a lot friends who would be like "I'm giving up chocolate"

You: or something random or specific

Stranger: Truue

You: it made me think about what I would give up, if I were to give something up

Stranger: Depends what the goal is right

Stranger: Whats the goal of lent?

You: mhm

You: umm

Stranger: Like am i trying to be closer to god?

You: (I don't know so I went to wikipedia lol)

Stranger: Trying to understand sacerfice

You: yes sacrifice

Stranger: Truu

Stranger: No idea what i would give up

You: mhmm

Stranger: Social media?

You: I hardly use social media haha

You: I went vegetarian for year and a half in college just because

Stranger: Oh nicee!

Stranger: That can be difficult

You: idk I didn't really have a sophisiticated reason for it

Stranger: I was vegetarian for four years

You: ohhh cool

You: why were you vegetarian?

Stranger: Ethical reasons

You: mhm

Stranger: I didnt like the meat supply chain and resources used for it

You: right

You: for me I had a bad break up and just spontaneously and randomly decided I didn't want to eat meat

Stranger: I'm the opposite of you, i stopped being vegetarian when i went to college

Stranger: Ohhh, yeah breakups suck

You: was there a reason why you stopped?

Stranger: It was difficult being vegetarian on dorm, i said i would return once i was done

You: ahh

Stranger: But i started getting really into fitness

Stranger: Hard to hit the macros with a vegetarian diet

You: right

Stranger: Why'd you stop being vegetarian?

You: mhm... I think I just stopped being vegetarian randomly

You: ...it's probably not very sophisticasted either

You: I've thought about it once or twice why I ended up vegetarian

Stranger: i feel like its appropriate, randomly stop what you randomly started

You: I guess I must have treated it like how ppl sometimes get a haircut after a breakup

You: like I think I wanted a different feeling to my life

Stranger: I didnt know that was a thing lol

You: ohh yeah like it's a stereotype

Stranger: I know about delete facebook and hit the gym

You: haha

Stranger: Didya get a fancy new doo?

You: no not really

Stranger: Rip, you had the perfect excuse to experiment

You: yeah it's true

You: I wanted to dye my hair in college

You: but never got the courage for it

You: and then towards the end, I was worried about jobs after graduating

Stranger: You play it real safe

You: yeah I do haha

You: are you risky?

Stranger: I dont think im risky exactly

Stranger: Just more than you lol

You: lol

You: can you give some examples?

Stranger: I have alot of extreme look changes

You: ohh

Stranger: Its fun

You: yeah it sounds like it would be

Stranger: And if it goes bad its fun to joke about

You: oh haha

You: I get self-conscious easily

Stranger: Yeah i get it

You: a lot of times I convince myself that a lot of peers secretly hate me

Stranger: Ooof, i've done that too

You: I think I need to be friendlier

Stranger: Also imposter syndrome

You: but I'm a huge introvert

Stranger: Mhmmm

You: and yeah imposter syndrome

Stranger: It can be hard to put yourself out there

Stranger: What did you go to college for?

You: biology

Stranger: fancy

You: it's like one of the most common majors lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Did you like it?

You: mhm I liked it enough

Stranger: Thats dope

You: what about you?

Stranger: Finance and accounting

You: oh wow

Stranger: I was actually a biomed major before switching

You: ahh

Stranger: Hated itt

You: I know nothing about finance and accounting haha

Stranger: Especially labs

Stranger: Ughh

You: yeah labs are terrible

Stranger: "I know nothing about finance and accounting haha" Sometimes i feel that way too

You: oh my ^^

You: are you in that as a career right now?

Stranger: Yup yup

Stranger: Well right now im just doing contract work

You: mh so you're wealthy then? (jk jk)

Stranger: Was switching jobs when this shit went down

Stranger: Lol i wish

You: mhm

You: what exactly is contract work?

You: like I know contractors

You: but in terms of finance and accounting...?

Stranger: I do some tax services for clients of an accounting firm i used to work for

You: ahh

You: independent contractor?

Stranger: Yeaa

Stranger: What do you do?

You: ohhh does that count as self-employment?

You: I'm in grad school

You: ...for biology

Stranger: o lawd

Stranger: They got you in the grad trap eh

You: lol

You: haha

You: mhm yeah dunno when I'll be finished lol

Stranger: They almost got me too, but i was broke for too long

You: mhmm

Stranger: fuck you pay me

You: lol

Stranger: i joke, are you enjoying it?

You: yup, well, as much as I can

You: there's the typical stress and things

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: So its a masters?

You: phd

Stranger: ooooo

Stranger: You fell hard for it

You: yeah lol

Stranger: Lol, thats cool af

Stranger: Doctor stranger

You: lol I feel like I'm never going to graduate lol

Stranger: You got this

You: you're really supportive and nice (random)

Stranger: Lol thanks

Stranger: People usually say i have a bristly personality

You: really?

You: I think you have an active and engaging personality

You: but also very nice

Stranger: I like poking funnnnn

You: and the active personality gives the perception that you're really listening

You: which matters a lot

Stranger: I'm a good listener i feel like

You: mhm, you seem like one

Stranger: You're pretty chill too

You: thanks ^^

Stranger: Despite fighting politics online

You: lol I don't fightttt

Stranger: Despite trying to bridge the political divide online

You: that sounds terrible lol

Stranger: It is

Stranger: The internet kinda sucks with politics lol

You: mhm

You: I feel like it's hard to have deep conversations irl

Stranger: Depends

Stranger: Some people are more receptive than others

You: mhm true

Stranger: I get online its easier to be yourself, but its also easier to be an asshole

You: mhm true

You: I think I worry a lot about interpersonal relationships irl

Stranger: How so?

You: mhm, like there's a group dynamic I guess?

Stranger: Ohhh

Stranger: So where are you from?

Stranger: Did i ask that already?

You: and the there's work colleagues

You: nope

You: new england somewhere

Stranger: myseriousss

Stranger: Are you lost?

You: new england is small enough it could be like a state if you put it all together haha

Stranger: Go pats

Stranger: With that i exhausted my sports knowledge

You: lol I'm not very knowledgeable either

You: although we hold football watching parties at my house

Stranger: I know people hate the patriots

Stranger: Because they dont inflate their balls or something

You: huuh, see I have no idea what that means

Stranger: Not cool new england, inflate them please

You: lol

Stranger: Wow, you're worst than me

You: yup!

You: I'm also bad with tv shows, movies, and music

You: basically it's hopeless if you want to have a normal conversation with me

Stranger: Im listening to music right now lol

You: lol

Stranger: I love talking about all those topics

Stranger: But i can talk about anything tbh

You: I just don't know anything ^^

You: what do you listen to?

Stranger: Like right now or in general?

You: either

Stranger: Pick one so i can start

You: general!

Stranger: You got it

Stranger: I loveeee

Stranger: Folk music

Stranger: Blue grass

Stranger: R&B

Stranger: Motown

Stranger: Soul

Stranger: Rap

You: cool

Stranger: Thanks

You: I have no idea what blue grass is haha

Stranger: Should i ask what you listen to lol?

You: um the answer would be whatever youtube plays

Stranger: Wise

You: basically pop bc I don't know anything else lol

Stranger: Lol thats fine

Stranger: Pop is fun

You: where are you from?

Stranger: Canada

You: ohh cool

Stranger: Thanks

Stranger: Its pretty nice this time of year where im from

You: mhmm summer

Stranger: Yeaaa

You: I'm like looking up your genres lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Want me to recommend a song?

You: yeah that would be nice

You: I found Wanderlust 🌲 - An Indie/Folk/Pop Playlist | Vol. I

You: because I guess I automatically go to playlists lol

Stranger: always alright- alabama shakes

Stranger: Lol, playlists are a good way to discover music imo

You: I often don't go back to figure out what songs are what though

You: this was my problem with the radio

You: I recognized songs

You: but had no idea who the artists or songs were

Stranger: I do that with albums when i listen to them cover to cover

Stranger: I never know the song names, just how they go

You: mhm

Stranger: So what area if your phd in?

Stranger: Is that too personal to ask?

You: immunology

Stranger: fancyy

You: it always sounds fancy, but I have no clue what I'm doing

Stranger: Give me some fire immunology facts

Stranger: Loool

Stranger: Ohh

You: uhhhhh

You: random facts uhh idk

Stranger: Lol its ok

You: lol kay haha

Stranger: I kinda put you on the spot

You: mhm it's fine, although I was racing in my head to find something that actually makes sense lol

Stranger: Sorry im so dumb : (

You: no, as in immunology seriously doesn't make sense

You: like it's basically jibberish

Stranger: Lol i get alot of it would go over my head, im just kidding

You: like CD45RA+ AB T cells

Stranger: BRAH

Stranger: Thats my favorite cell

You: lol

Stranger: I like how they

Stranger: Multiply

You: lol

Stranger: coolest ribosomes in the game

You: you're so chill

Stranger: I know

Stranger: My cell knowledge is sublime

You: lol

You: is there a reason why you like to come on omegle?

Stranger: Uhhh, i like talking to people

Stranger: So the quarantine kinda sucks for me

You: mhm

You: I forgot it was the quarantine

You: I was just thinking it's a friday night and you seem too cool for omegle on a friday haha

Stranger: Lolllll

Stranger: Trust me, im a massive dork

Stranger: Just a pretty social one

You: right

Stranger: Recommend me a song?

You: ohhhh so tough again

Stranger: Im not letting you off the hook this time

You: :c

Stranger: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You: *goes to dig through youtube history*

Stranger: Lol fair enough

You: do links work on omegle?

You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0OX-a17Hfk

Stranger: idk

Stranger: Did you send one?

You: yeah I did

Stranger: Naww lol

Stranger: Just tell me title and artist

You: v=W0OX-a17Hfk

Stranger: That works too

You: it's entirely instrumental

You: idk most of the stuff I listen to is just background music

You: for when I'm doing something

Stranger: I feel that, i listen to stuff without lyrics when im working too

Stranger: I like the art work

You: but yeah, I don't have much of a sophisticated taste in music or anything

Stranger: Dont worry, no music degree on the wall here

Stranger: I just know if i like something or dont

You: mhm it feels like most people have a strong sense of what they like an dislike ^^

You: for me it's kind of uhh... blank haha

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: I'll listen to any genre if i like the song

Stranger: This musics chill, i like it

Stranger: Reminds me of harvest moon

Stranger: Used to play as a kid

You: ohh

You: I've never played

You: I did briefly play rune factory on an emulator

You: but otherwise yeah I don't have a long list of games either ^^

You: I think I'm kind of boring overall

Stranger: lol you're not boring

Stranger: I wouldnt be talking to you if you were

You: oh lol

You: thanks

Stranger: Noo problem

Stranger: I'm kinda glad i found someone around my age to talk to tbh

You: ohh I forgot that I told you my age lol

You: do you normally get ppl much younger?

Stranger: I dont go here often tbh

Stranger: But yeah, alot of young people

You: mhm

You: I feel like you're probably the most normal person I've gotten in a while

Stranger: Lol im glad

Stranger: What do you usually get?

You: mhm angry people

Stranger: Also the political tag probably skewed your sample

You: a lot of people trolling or just having fun some way

Stranger: I seriously dont get the fun in trying to upset people

You: yeah I've been trying to understand that too

Stranger: Modern bullying i guess

Stranger: idk

You: like it doesn't work to ask "why do you like to be mean"

You: so I will continue with my research!

Stranger: Lol plz dont for your own sake

You: lol

You: haha

Stranger: Put the scientific method to bed

You: lol

Stranger: Do you know reddit?

You: yup

Stranger: Ask me anything

You: the subreddit?

Stranger: Naw, im doing an ama

You: ohhh

Stranger: You're the only one attending

You: lol

You: okay, I hope you don't mind if I push the pedal then

You: what do you regret most?

You: (I ask heavy stuff often lol >.<)

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: I felt like i should have ended my last relationship sooner than i did

You: mhm why?

Stranger: I was just kinda hoping the problems would get resolved

Stranger: And that kinda lead me to hold on

You: what kind of problems?

Stranger: Drawing the line here lol, i dont wanna be sad all day

You: ahh okay sorry lol

You: yeah I'm really nosy

Stranger: Lol its okk, i just dont wanna dwell in it

You: how long ago did you break up?

Stranger: How about you, whats your biggest regret?

Stranger: Few months ago

You: ohh

You: (I hope you're okay)

Stranger: I'm getting there

You: for me...

You: I guess not asking for help when I needed it

You: I don't have many regrets though

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: I never asked for help growing up

You: mhm I'm the same

You: or at least, I'm still really bad at asking for help

Stranger: I didnt wanna bother people, kinda just dealt with it on my own

Stranger: Yeahhh, its hard

You: right

You: and like I have a stupid amount of useless pride for something not important

Stranger: Sometimes i just try to remember that people do want to help alot of the time

Stranger: Oh truue

You: mhm right

Stranger: I also dont like looking dumb lol

You: yeah haha

You: okay for the next AMA: Make a confession of some kind that you don't ordinarily tell people

You: (though I guess this isn't a question)

Stranger: More like a demand

You: lol

You: clearly I'm not in the habit of doing ama's

Stranger: So like im pretty healthy and take care of myself alot

Stranger: And i come across as super confident

Stranger: But im like pretty insecure about my looks

You: mhm

Stranger: Like im pretty critical to myself

You: yeah we're often our own worst critics, right?

Stranger: Yeahhh

Stranger: How about you?

You: ohh

You: umm, how bad do I want to go lol?

Stranger: Lol, your call

You: I think I use omegle to boost my ego. Like I'm not interested in hooking up with anyone, but when people express interest in me it boosts my ego and then I can ditch them

You: >.>

Stranger: Ooof

You: was that heavy one?

Stranger: Lol no, i get it

Stranger: Im just preparing to be disconnected on lol

You: ohh I don't usually dc at all haha

Stranger: Mhmmm

Stranger: Well i think you're pretty cool tbh, take these ego points

You: oh haha

You: idk I think I'm selfish in a lot of various ways

Stranger: I feel like being able to refelct on it is like a good way to begin to address it

Stranger: Some people lives their entire lives without realizing what drives what they do

You: mhm

You: next AMA: What's something you dream of doing?

Stranger: A thru hike

You: thru hike?

Stranger: Its like a long hike that takes weeks or months

You: ahh wow that seems cool

Stranger: It isss, ive been on multiple day hikes

You: mhm I want to do one!

Stranger: But a thru hike would be amazing

Stranger: You can tag along lol

You: I have no idea how you would prepare for one haha

You: lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You know how some people randomly plan holidays or online shop

Stranger: Just to waste time

You: mhm

Stranger: I plan thru hikes and my gear and food list sometimes lol

Stranger: Its pretty dorky

You: I think it's cool

You: wait so for a multi-day hike, how is that planned?

You: like do you usually go with someone?

Stranger: Solo or people

Stranger: I started going solo because its kind of hard to get people to come along

You: what do you pack?

Stranger: And being alone in the wilderness is kind of amazing

You: mhmm

Stranger: Pack alottt of stuff lol

You: lol

Stranger: I subscribe to the ultralight philosophy of hiking

You: mhhhm

Stranger: Where you try to keep gear minimal and light

Stranger: So you can go long distances and bee less tired

You: right

You: what do you see as essential?

Stranger: Tent

Stranger: Sleeping bag or quilt

Stranger: you're so lucky you're american

Stranger: You have better access to gear than i do lol

Stranger: Sleeping pad

Stranger: Backpack

You: really? for some reason I feel like canada has the outdoorsy stereotype haha

Stranger: Its legit amazing here nature wise

Stranger: Just harder and more expensive to get some gear lol

You: mhm

You: how much water/food do you pack?

Stranger: 2000 cals a day usually

Stranger: and i keep filtration tablets on me

Stranger: So i can reup on water

You: mhmm do you usually reup water?

You: I can see water getting a lot

Stranger: Streams usually

You: to carry

Stranger: Dont carry a ton, just reup on water

You: mhm

Stranger: being in nature is fun

Stranger: It feels like a reset for the brain sometimes

You: right totally

You: so do you usually pick hikes with nearby streams/water?

Stranger: Well there are usually trails people do

Stranger: Some people plan their own using a topical map

Stranger: I dontt

You: ah

Stranger: Topographic*

Stranger: Idk what topical is

You: on the surface of something ^^

Stranger: Lol oh

You: I guess it would just make sense to go a visitors center and ask for recommendations

Stranger: Naww, i usually just research it online

Stranger: I rambled a ton my bad lol

You: oh not at all

Stranger: What's something you dream of doing?

You: mhm I want to be lazy and copy yours lol

You: but I guess it's probably something vacation related

Stranger: The more the merrier

You: I'm super bad at planning

You: or more specifically, I procrastinate forever

You: so I don't plan vacations normally lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: I kinda like to wing it with a general idea of what i want to do

Stranger: I like exploring cities

Stranger: Where do you want to vacation?

You: ahh

You: mhmm I dunno lol

You: I so bad at being decisive lol

You: I do like outdoorsy things though

You: less so cities

You: I've never been clubbing or anything like that and I don't think I'd want to lol

You: I also don't drink very much

Stranger: Its overrated

Stranger: Im more outdoorsy too

Stranger: BUTTT

Stranger: Im a foodie

You: ohh

Stranger: and love stuffing my face when i visit a city

You: mhm that's cool

You: I think I like food until it gets too expensive

You: and then my heart sinks too much to enjoy it

Stranger: Brah fuck tourist traps

Stranger: I want hole in the wall joints

You: mhm those are great ^^

Stranger: Montreal is legit my favorite city

You: mhm montreal is great!

Stranger: Have you been?

You: yup!

Stranger: yessss!

Stranger: Have you tried the bagels lol

You: I think so

Stranger: Ughhh so good

You: ahhh yeah

Stranger: I bought two bags to bring back home lol

You: yeah I remember it now that I've googled it

You: they're fantastic

Stranger: Yeahhh

Stranger: Best souvlaki i ate was in montreal

You: ohh

You: I didn't know that was a huge thing there

Stranger: Idk if it is tbh

Stranger: But the place i went was fire

Stranger: Hard af to order tbh though lol

Stranger: They didnt speak english or much french

You: ohh interesting

Stranger: My cousin told me usually their daughter works the counter

Stranger: Im guessing thats why lol

You: lol

You: I took french in high school

You: but I forgot it all

Stranger: Welcome to the club

You: mh, it's kind of disappointing in a way

Stranger: Can always brush up on it

You: very true

Stranger: Do you know any other languages?

You: Chinese

Stranger: Mandarin or Cantonese?

You: mandarin

Stranger: Nicee

You: you?

Stranger: I can understand some hindi?

Stranger: Cant really speak much

You: ohh cool!

Stranger: Lol thanks

You: I can also understand better than I can speak

You: although my accent is okay

Stranger: First generation eh

You: mhm

You: uhh I mix up the generations

Stranger: Mhmm

You: I'm second generation

Stranger: Ohhh ok

Stranger: yeah i dont get generations either

Stranger: That means you're born here but your parents arent?

You: yup

Stranger: Ohhh, same then

You: I can never remember if that's first or second generation

Stranger: Preachh

Stranger: Alrii, hit me with another ama

You: mhm

You: let's seeee

You: bah I just thought one but it's basically the same lol

Stranger: Loll

You: biggest mistake lol

You: but that's so close to regret

Stranger: Should i ask?

You: sure

Stranger: OOff lemme think

You: looool

Stranger: lol

Stranger: Uhhhh

Stranger: Celeb crush lol?

You: ohh

Stranger: Sorry, i was struggling

You: no it's fine

You: I've never been a tv or film person so I never know actors

Stranger: Ooof i forgot

Stranger: Lemme think of another then

You: can I cheat and steal your question lol?

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Nuhh uhhh, if you dont answer it

You: lol so cheap

Stranger: No one to blame but yourself

Stranger: Shoulda gave into celebrity culture like the rest of us

You: I'll just continue to live under a rock lol

Stranger: Ok patrick

You: lol

Stranger: Lol i got one

Stranger: What spongebob character do you relate to the most

You: mhmmm this is a struggle again XD

You: I know like three characters so uhhh

Stranger: loll

Stranger: That should make it easier!

You: oh the snail!

Stranger: Lmaooo

Stranger: I was about to say you're a total gary

You: lol

Stranger: What spongebob character do you think im most like

You: mhm you're outgoing and friendly

Stranger: aww shucks

Stranger: You dont really know me

You: idk I feel like there's so little to chose from so just spongebob

You: mhm very true

Stranger: lol

You: AMA: What do I not know about you?

You: or what I am I getting wrong about you?

Stranger: Oof

Stranger: Thats hard

You: ^^

Stranger: mmmmmm

Stranger: I mean theres alot you dont know about me

Stranger: Uhhh, i'm pretty good at vollleyball and basketball?

Stranger: Such a basic answer

Stranger: I blanked out lol

You: ohh those are cool sports

You: did you play in high school?

Stranger: Naw

Stranger: I was almost in the football team

Stranger: But gave up when i found out how often id have to stay at school

Stranger: Im lazy

You: ahh

You: what did you do afterschool in high school?

Stranger: Study, tv, games

Stranger: I legit sucked in highschool

You: hm sucked?

Stranger: Was super boring, didnt really like going out of my comfort zone

You: ahh

Stranger: What were you like in highscool?

You: I feel like I'm still bad at going out of my comfort zone

You: um, I was basically like the walking stereotype

You: swimming, piano, study, manga, writing

Stranger: Oof, i remember the manga kids lol

You: lol

You: that was mostly at home for me though

You: I read it when I was supposed to be studying

Stranger: We had a circle who hung out in the library

You: ohh

Stranger: I read a little of bit of a manga to try it

Stranger: I've watched some animes though way later on lol

You: mhmm

You: I never watched anime in high school because manga was much more discreet lol

You: I could read it on my computer without my parents knowing lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: tiger parents

You: mhm kind of yes and no

You: yours?

Stranger: They were pretty strict

Stranger: Moving away from them really allowed me to grow as a person

You: mhm same

Stranger: Sooo, what mangas did you read

You: ohh I read everything

You: like I was addicted lol

You: I read enough that I forgot what I read and the just all blur together lol

Stranger: Loll woww

Stranger: Do you read books?

You: yup!

You: or well, I mostly stopped reading when I went to uni though

Stranger: Boo

You: yeah I know >.>

You: too many readings for uni instead

Stranger: Pick up reading again imo

You: mhm it would be good

You: what do you read?

Stranger: I jump around alot

Stranger: Some of my favorites are science fiction, mystery, fantasy, historical fiction, dystopian

You: mhm

You: I love dark stuff lol

Stranger: spoooky

Stranger: So like

Stranger: I looooove horror movies

You: (I can't watch horror lol)

Stranger: But i havent read many horror related books lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: Thats cool

You: mhm for me I mean dark as in heavy haha

Stranger: Oh truuue

Stranger: Have you read The Road?

You: nope!

Stranger: Pretty good

Stranger: What genres other than dark do you like lol

You: mhm do you like survival?

Stranger: Like not dying?

Stranger: Love it

You: lol

You: I meant as a genre kinda (if that is a genre?)

Stranger: Oof idk, i dont think ive read survival

Stranger: Like man vs nature type of deal?

You: oh as kid I read hatchet and some other similar ones

You: yup

You: as for other genres, in high school when I was still reading a lot, I read a lot of fantasy and generic stereotypical trashy romance stuff

Stranger: Loll

You: oh and animals

Stranger: Like peppa pig?

You: I was the first one in my friend group to pick up twilight lolololol

Stranger: Lolll

Stranger: I never actually read the books or watched the movies

You: lol

Stranger: Do you recommend them?

You: uh, retrospectively no ^^

Stranger: lolll

You: but I did like paranormal romance as a teen

You: as for animals I read stuff like warriors lol

You: and also redwall actually

Stranger: I remember redwall

Stranger: Pretty dark

You: hm? I thought it was fairly normal lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: What about watership down?

You: yup I loved that one

You: well, it's a classic

Stranger: Yeaa

Stranger: I didnt read it, i kinda just assumed you would have

You: I did roleplaying forums when I was in high school lol

Stranger: omg loll

Stranger: Was that your rebellious stage?

You: lol not really

You: I was "writing" so

You: lol

Stranger: Truue lol

You: I did like wolf roleplays lol and stuff

You: I was nearly a furry lol

Stranger: Oh lawd

Stranger: Or actually

Stranger: oWO*

You: lol

You: I had a lot of really good memories from then

You: they're sort of like my defining experience on the Internet I think

Stranger: Thats cool

Stranger: A tight knit community can be nice

You: mhm, and it was actually writing, which was nice too

You: it was fun to sort of put characters and stories together

Stranger: Do you still write?

You: mhm super on and off

Stranger: Can iiiii

Stranger: Read it?

You: nope! XD

Stranger: Ughh

You: lol

Stranger: Worth a shot

You: I did nanowrimo freshman year of uni

Stranger: brah im canadian

You: it's an internet thing!

Stranger: Ohhhh

Stranger: Thats cool af

You: yeah but the thing I wrote was total trash lol

Stranger: Can i read that?

You: lol absolutely not lol

Stranger: But i want to so badd

You: when you rush to write 50k words in a month, that's like 1666 words a day

You: so basically you vomit over the page

You: and like your subconscious shows up on it which can be really bad

You: like it's like bad fanfiction but even worse

Stranger: Damn

Stranger: Exposed your Id for the world to see

You: yeah lol

Stranger: Idk if im mixing up id ego andsuperego

Stranger: I dont remember which is which lol

You: I don't remember the difference between them either

Stranger: Oh well

Stranger: Ugh i want to read it so bad lol

You: Ama: worst trouble you've ever been?

You: *been in

Stranger: I got hit for plagiarism once on a throwaway course

Stranger: I didnt do it thoughh

You: what?

Stranger: Lol it was a roman literature course

Stranger: And i used the wrong translation reference

Stranger: And the prof was a stickler for it

Stranger: I could have fought it but i didnt care enough

You: ohh

Stranger: Whops

You: yeah...

Stranger: Thats not even that bad tbh lol

Stranger: I mean maybe if you're a phd, but i was in business school and it was an elective

You: mhm

Stranger: You?

You: oh which one should I pick lol

You: I'll pick a parents one

You: so in high school, I also drew on deviantart

Stranger: whats that

You: ohh it's like the art website

Stranger: ALSO IM LEARNING TO DRAW

You: deviantart is like one of the biggest art websites, or at least used to be?

Stranger: Waitt

Stranger: Is it that like sex drawing site?

You: mhm no?

Stranger: Lol okk...

Stranger: Go on

You: although I guess people do draw some nsfw things

You: anyway

You: so I had a friend on that site, who had really serious problems

You: he cut and wrote really bloody and graphic pobik

You: poems

You: and we would pm and message each other

You: and my parents found out

You: and then freaked out

You: because they thought I was going to elope

You: to denmark

Stranger: LMAO

You: which is where the guy was

Stranger: Did you?

You: we were like 16

You: lol no

You: and it wasn't romantic

Stranger: darn

Stranger: Still a chance

You: yeah so I got banned from the computer

You: so like overnight I disappeared from the Internet

You: and I got really worried for him because basically I just disappeared one day

You: and like, he's not really stable you know?

Stranger: Mhmm yea

Stranger: Was he ok?

You: mhm like a year or two later he turned out okay

Stranger: Oohhh niceee

You: yeah

You: I only have one sad internet story

You: well with a bad ending

Stranger: Ohhhh

You: but yeah, for some reason I end up finding ppl with problems a lot

Stranger: You found me

You: D:

You: do you have many problems?

Stranger: Loll, i regular amount of problems i think

You: oh okay, I got worried ^^;

Stranger: Lol, i'm good

You: mhm that's good

Stranger: Could use some ice cream

Stranger: Mango

You: what time is it for you?

Stranger: 3am

Stranger: You?

You: same late

Stranger: Your schedule is fucked up too eh

You: mhm

Stranger: Yayy

You: we are doing shifts at my lab right now

You: since we're kind of half capacity

You: and I've been doing a lot of 2-10pm ones

Stranger: Oh truuue

You: the other one is 6am-2pm lol

Stranger: I've just been staying up because i can do contract work whenever lol

Stranger: Oh wowww

You: mhm

You: well it's the easiest way to fit 8-hours twice in a day lol

Stranger: Lol yeahh

Stranger: So what hobbies you have?

Stranger: Do you still draw?

You: uhh they're almost the same as in high school

You: except I'm less active lol

You: and I don't draw

Stranger: Damnn

Stranger: Highschol you was cool af

You: mhm I didn't really share those hobbies in high school lol

Stranger: Probably a good idea at the time lol

You: did you have a bad experience in high school?

Stranger: Longgggg story

You: ohh

Stranger: Ill shorten it i guess lol

You: okay

Stranger: I didnt get to go to the highscool everyone i went to middleschool with went to

Stranger: My parents didnt like that school

Stranger: I went to some catholic school instead and i was pisssseddd

You: ohh

Stranger: So first year i kinda was being a dick

Stranger: After that i kinda coooled off and made friends who i enjoyed hanging out with

You: mhm

Stranger: Wasnt as long as i thought it would be

Stranger: Im just really good at summaries i guess

You: ohh haha, I was expecting more haha

Stranger: sorry

You: mhm it's fine ^^

You: did you stay in touch with your middle school friends?

Stranger: Nooo

You: aww

Stranger: To be honest

Stranger: My parents made the right call

You: mhm how so?

Stranger: That other highschool and my friend circle was not great

You: mhm

Stranger: At the time it was the end of teh world

Stranger: You know, teenager things lol

You: yeah haha

You: did you have siblings?

Stranger: I doo

Stranger: One brother

Stranger: How about you?

You: younger brother!

Stranger: Damn same thing

You: lol

Stranger: Was he a snitch?

You: mhm not really

You: he was adorable actually

Stranger: Thats coool

Stranger: You guys still close?

You: I would say so, kinda

You: I'm not a very lovey-dovey person when it comes to family

Stranger: Mhmm, i get it

You: but yeah, I'm fairly close with my brother, kinda

Stranger: Lol yeah

Stranger: Im also 'kinda' close

You: I guess it's "kinda" for me because we get along really well whenever I'm home

You: but we don't talk a lot when we're apart

Stranger: Lolllll

Stranger: Same

Stranger: WE message eachother on our bdays

Stranger: or if something is up with the parents

You: lol once a year?

You: mhm yeah

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: Hit me with another ama?

You: mhm I didn't prepare one lol

Stranger: Oof

Stranger: Go find a celeb and develop a crush

You: I'm still curious about your ex

You: sorry to dig it up again

Stranger: Its okkk

Stranger: It is what it is

Stranger: I think we just were headed in different directions

Stranger: And the idea of what was held us together

Stranger: When was your last relationship?

You: mhm I need to count lol

You: 5 yeas

Stranger: oh woww

You: is it surprising?

Stranger: Lol idk kinda

You: mhm I kind of had these little fluffy things in between since then but I'm not really counting them

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: I understand

Stranger: Do you date and stuff?

You: mhmm not actively no

Stranger: Truuue

You: how long was your last relationship?

Stranger: 3 years?

You: mhm

Stranger: My longest one

You: mhm it must have been hard

Stranger: It wass, but i knew it had to be done

Stranger: Wasnt fair to either of us

You: mhm

Stranger: Sorry to be such a downer lol

You: no it's fine

You: life has its dark parts and lighter parts

You: I'm very familiar with that

Stranger: Just like cells

You: cells?

You: ohhh

You: those cells lol

Stranger: I'm an amateur cellologist

You: lol

Stranger: My favorite is CD45RA+ AB T cells

You: lol I stuck a bunch of letter together

Stranger: But he's so darn cute

You: mhmm sooo

You: I just realized that the number online right now is way higher than it was this afternoon

Stranger: No idea, i didnt really note it

Stranger: West coast probably hoped on

You: yeah

Stranger: East coast best

You: lol

You: what sites do you frequent aside from omegle?

You: reddit is one...

Stranger: Lol yea

Stranger: Thats the big one

You: mhm what subs?

Stranger: Askhistorians

Stranger: Fitness

Stranger: Books

Stranger: campingandhiking

Stranger: cooking

Stranger: changemy view

Stranger: dataisbeautiful

Stranger: explainlikeim5

You: those are really great subs ^^

Stranger: Lol i just looked down the list

Stranger: On my subscribed

You: was there more or did you stop at E? xD

Stranger: A ton more lol

You: oh lol

You: so many

Stranger: I'll stop though

You: yeah

Stranger: Those are kinda my big ones

Stranger: How about you?

You: mhm I don't use reddit

You: I did briefly in uni

You: actually around the 2016 election I was pretty active haha

Stranger: Ooof

Stranger: You're a big politics buff

You: I was a mod at the NeutralPolitics sub ^^

You: I'm like weirdly proud of that even though it was like only for a month

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: Thats really cool

Stranger: Not as cool as me being a mod of ultimate muscle subreddit

You: whaaat?

Stranger: A niche anime on fox that nobody has watched

You: lol

Stranger: I might make you assistant to the mod if you play your cards right

You: lol

You: mhmm it's getting kind of late I think

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: Any chance you have discord?

Stranger: I had fun talking

You: mhm I do, but I don't share ^^

You: sorry

You: and I had fun talking too

Stranger: Dont worry, i wont out your fanfics

You: lool

You: I have a rules with myself for omegle

You: one of them is that I just don't continue anything offline

You: #pastmistakes

Stranger: Oh nooo

Stranger: What did you do lol

You: lol uhh it's pretty bad lol

Stranger: go onnn

You: umm, it's horrible enough that I probably shouldn't share ^^

Stranger: brahh, i had to talk about my ex

You: mhm but I had some heavy periods in the past

Stranger: dishh

Stranger: Get extra absorbent

You: omggggg rofl

You: basically times that were really emotionally low

You: it's easy to end up with people online for various reasons

You: and not turn out that great

You: I guess is probably the short story ^^

Stranger: You fell for some guy and it got weird?

You: pretty much

You: I actually crush over guys pretty easily online

Stranger: And i'm like super crushable

You: aww

You: but I just think it's better not to

Stranger: Many a maiden had fallen victim to my charm

You: lol

Stranger: I get it, i dont wanna cause you any distress

You: mhm, anyhow, have a wonderful night

Stranger: You tooo

You: goodnight!

Stranger: Gnight

You have disconnected.

#omegle #conversation #music #ama #lent #relationships #dating #hiking #high school #canada #montreal #second generation immigrant #indian #accounting #contract work #phd #abstract #i lied about being single

[rueur]

Morning Pages No. 63

Wednesday 26th August - 11:57am

There’s three minutes left of the morning, and I consider that to be a victory! Also, just have to add that I’m weirdly excited that tomorrow is going to be my 23rd and a half birthday AND #64 in the morning pages, which is the square root of 8, and the answer to the equation 16 x 4 =. I’m not a maths-oriented person, so I forgot what a square root number is. It’s like the opposite of a prime number, but it’s mathematically gorgeous. Evan found us an exercise bike on Marketplace for $250! And it looks insanely nice. It’s in a superb condition, it’s exactly what we were looking for, and it’s WELL within our price range. What a freaking steal, and I also just have to add: what immensely good karma. I feel like we’re deserving of this, and it also definitely feels like such a positive sign that this was a great idea on our part. I’m feeling infinitely more keen to get rid of the futon and streamline the room we’re both currently in into being a lot more health-conscious and thus, a far better room suited to entertainment. The futon is also keeping me from doing Ringfit on a regular basis, so we’ll see once we get the bike how much easier it’ll be for me to work out at home and get myself to a more tolerable level of fit. 

I’m keen to play Breath of the Wild again today because it’s been a couple of days since we last played and Evan ordered another copy from [REDACTED] this morning, so we’ll just be waiting for that to arrive today. I also want to do a bit more work on the site, because my meeting with Julie will be a week from today and I need to get it to a level that I’ll be happy to present it at, even though I know Julie will want to make some adjustments. I feel like her main gripes will be with the colour scheme, which is perfectly fine with me. That should be more than easy to adjust. And the fonts...the fonts are doing my head in. I’m still not sure how to add extra font packs. And to also connect this Squarespace website up with cPanel and VentraIP, but again, that’s not a high priority issue. We’ll need to get the website to a place where we both feel it’s good enough to publish before we even think about moving it over to VentraIP. 

I’m always thinking about work. And because it’s lockdown, I’ve been thinking about when orders we’ve placed will be arriving. We’ve been ordering a fair amount of stuff, and I’m not sure if it’s out of boredom or necessity. Perhaps both? We want to break up the monotony of the day, but doing that with retail therapy seems a little reckless. We have the internet, gas, and electricity bills due and water is also most definitely on its way. And RENT, because it’s the end of the month. September 1st is going to be a Tuesday, so we’ll need to pay before my next payday, which is a touch depressing. But also I suppose it’ll be nice to know that I can retain 100% of the pay that I’ll be receiving next week! That is unless I make an online purchase. 

It’s 12:06pm. I like the idea that it takes me about ten minutes to write out a page of stream of consciousness, so three pages should take around a half an hour. That’s ideal, but usually what happens is I get distracted from this process by Evan or by the animals or just generally by things that I need to do (base biological urges), OR I forgot a word, like what just happened when I was typing out ‘base biological urges’ as a gentle code for having to take a dump. So graceless, always. That’s my style, eh?

Sarah wants to have another phone call at some point today, and I think it’s mostly to chat about the way the group has been heading. People have been leaving and apparently she received her first bit of negative feedback. I’d be curious to hear what it is. I’m curious to know why Nichole left. I know she wasn’t really keeping up with the days so I suppose it makes sense? But Amy’s also not overtly keeping up with the days, which is genuinely surprising to me. I feel like Amy would be all over some well-intentioned mindfulness challenges. Sam just sent me a message that contained a painful pun. We were joking about the ethereal science that is the healing properties of cats. So cat purrs can actually heal human beings because the vibration or the frequency of the vibration has been known to promote feelings of peace in human beings. It relaxes our minds and bodies and heals our cells. 

EDDIE DROPPED OFF OUR GAME! IT WAS SO GOOD TO SEE HIM and it was also just a real treat, man. He was sick last week so up until this lovely afternoon, I hadn’t seen him for like two weeks. So now Evan is playing the game AGAIN finally! Oh my fucking lord I have waited so long for him to pick up this game, he’s an idiot. And I am speaking all this out loud as I type because he’s in the room and he can hear me and I love terrorising him. AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK BECAUSE HE ON HIS PHONE THA DUMB. What a stupid smug grin. What a cute face. Aww.

He’s distracting me from this chore. No, this is all a part of my morning pages for today. You can’t say this isn’t properly a part of it, it’s STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, fool. Do you know what stream of consciousness entails? It’s literally typing/writing as you think. So anything that I’m thinking, belongs in these pages. Get out of the room. I have to finish this first and you are distracting myself from my own mind, you dumb bass. Yes, I meant to type out ‘dumb bass’, because I want to imply that you are a mute fish. I am so distracted from this task, it is infuriating. Also, please be at least a little bit impressed by my touch-typing abilities. Aww. He just said he’s always impressed by everything I do. How sweet. Man, this is going to be so chaotic to read a year or so from now! All I need to remember, future self, is that Evan was in the same room as I in 847 flying high (but he was sober this morn), playing Breath of the Wild for the second time, standing up and leaning against the wall because Kelley Starrett says that we should consider sitting to be a cancer. And that for each hour of sitting you need to do however many minutes of physical activity. 

Fuck, I just remembered that I told the boy that I would make pancakes for breakfast this morning, and I haven’t done that yet. And also it isn’t the morning anymore. Whoops. I am so happy that I got to see Eddie today though. I’m also just glad that he’s okay, I was worried that he had the ‘rona. Can you put the switch on the TV? I want to see you play. That’s the whole point of getting both games. Give me a second. Okay, he grabbed the remote. This isn’t actually promoting mindfulness too much, because of all the activity around me. But look. I’ve maintained this practice pretty damn well for the past week. I’ve written around 2000 words each day for ten or so days straight now. That’s pretty neat. I’m happy with this. I also kind of hope that I can make time to take Lonzo out again today, hopefully well before 5:30pm, so I can talk to Sarah without feeling too fatigued.

I’m fighting the urge to end this third page here. I just want to go on with my day! And I don’t know how many epiphanies I’ll be having in these pages today. I mean, I wrote my last three pages so dang recently, this entry just feels quite arbitrary. But I suppose that’s my own fault. I shouldn’t have done yesterday’s pages at 10pm last night, that’s just basic. Morning pages 101: do them in the morning. Otherwise they’re not as fresh, and your next entries are going to be incredibly close together. I honestly just feel like Saturday has thrown me off so much. I can’t believe it’s Wednesday and I’m still trying to play catch-up because being at work on Saturday and typing out that day’s entry over hours and hours was just...bleh. I have no words other than ‘bleh’. I’m tapped out. 

The soundtrack for this game is actually so soothing. I don’t mind how minimalistic it is. In fact, the minimalistic soundscape kind of just enhances the game’s natural atmosphere and built environment! Evan just found a boomerang! Those are quite rare. Not a lizal boomerang, like an actual boomerang. I feel like I shouldn’t be watching him play or even listening or even in the same room as I finish these pages off. It seems like a major distraction. You found the Duelling Peaks stable! He’s trying to climb a shrine. Lord help me. Oooh. That must’ve been painful. Sorry, Link. Ma man a dumb bass. 

Ooh these pages have just completely gone to shit. But I’m still going to finish them. I’m at around 1600 words, well just over. That means that I have about 400 to go. I’m about or over 75% of the way through! Huzzah! Ew. I don’t even like saying that sarcastically. But it makes me think of ‘Dungeons and Dragons’, and I think I’d like to play that at least once. Maybe some time after lockdown ends I can go to a game with Malith. Gale does them, so that may be a great opportunity to hang out with that gang again. I also want to do pub trivia again! I can’t believe how many innocuous events and happenings this lockdown has had me missing. It’s absurd that there was ever a time where I had the opportunity to do all these activities whenever I liked, and I just never took them, or at the very least seldom took them. But if I’m going to be completely honest with myself, I still see myself being somewhat of a recluse even after lockdown ends. I will indulge in all the newfound freedom once we do find it again, as all Melbournians will, but I won’t be going crazy. I won’t be going out every weekend. If the world opens up again, then that will mean the responsibilities of the world will be opening up again too, which is a contributing factor to my wanting to stay home and be on my own. That, and there’s always Lonzo. I don’t want to leave HIM on his own, because he never wants that, and he never gets to have a say.

This shrine looks difficult. I want to be attentive, but it looks as though I have about 100 words left, which is nothing. I’ll need to start my website for uni soon, I haven’t even thought about that at all. I’d like to pen an online essay, that’s a new experience. And Wordpress should be easy enough to master. I mean, I’ve done it before, for one. Squarespace is just so clean, though! Definitely will be using this to start up BROKEN media. I’m looking forward to that. 

I’m on the fourth page now, but only at 1970 words. I feel like I’m cheating if I don’t at least get to 2000. I used a lot of paragraphs for this entry, because I mean I had a lot of distractions. 2003 words. I’m going to sign off here then. 2012. 2013. 2014. I need to stop. 2020!

#morning pages #stream of consciousness #63 #artistsway

[itchymatchoo]

nakakainis talaga yung mga hindi marunong tumupad sa usapan, pinakiusapan na nga ng maayos, ‘ma, last sem ko naman na, kailangan talaga namin ng lugar kung san pwede gumawa ng project, kaya please naman payagan mo naman kami mag trabaho sa bahay’ you fucking agree and the first time i ask you for that exact same purpose you dont. fucking!!!! commit!!!!!!!!! napakawalang kwenta ang mga pangako mo!! empty fucking promises and im so fucking sick of it!!!!! lagi ka na lang ganito simula pa nung bata ako!!!! god!!!! i cant trust you to keep your fucking promises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stop treating me like a fucking child. my ps group is made out of a bunch of 20+ year olds!!!! i think!!!! we know!!! how to behave like fucking adults!!!!!!!!!!! so whats your goddamn excuse you neurotic tranch!!!!!! every time i bring someone here, we dont make messes!!! and even if we do, we or I clean up!!!! so WHAT!!! IS YOUR!!! FUCKING EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!!! and you know what? FINE! if it’s just for leisure, i get why she doesnt want people here, BUT I TOLD HER, I . TOLD. HER. IT’S FOR THE FUCKING PROJECT. bakit ba hindi matatak sa ulo mo ha? i dont understand you! i really fucking dont!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i ask you for a reason. YOU CANT EVEN TELL ME A PROPER ONE. ‘ah basta, hindi pwede’ and you just expect me to roll over just like that!! WHAT’S THE GODDAMN REASON!! AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why is your view so self focused!!!!!! i asked you to make that promise para hindi tayo mag-away ng ganito. you cannot blame me for being angry especially when kinausap kita ng masinsinan. when i asked you for just a little consideration, SINCE IT’S MY LAST FUCKING SEMESTER. AND ITS MY FINAL MAJOR PROJECT. WHY do you have to force me to do this?? To get mad at you?? why must you play the victim card and so easily?? wala ka na bang ibang nararamdaman except for your stupid self-pity??? I am allowed to feel this way!!!! SO FOR ONCE I WISH YOU’D JUST FUCKING STOP.

It doesnt fucking help na ako yung leader ng PS group namin, i MEAN, I just wanna offer what i can offer. and a place to stay where we have internet, a place to construct and conduct tests and research and charging ports. that’s all!!! so we can work in peace!!!! so we can accomplish a lot of our tasks and make most of the day!!!!!!! ano bang akala mong ginagawa namin??? mag laro lang? manunuod lang? kakain lang sabay layas??? the others wont offer up their houses either. and you know what happens when we dont have some kind of base of operations? BES, WALA KAMING NATATAPOS. Or we accomplish so little. ang hirap magusap, ang hirap ng walang net or walang signal or walang data. masakit sa bulsa pag magcacafe kami para lang maka wifi. e kung meron naman sa bahay eh bakit kasi hindi?? they just DONT understand. they DONT. why? cause they never had to go through something like this. THEY THINK. they think we can somehow, make do with what we have, spend the money on the cafe, do it at school, find someplace else. THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND. HOW HARD THAT IS. walang signal sa school, how are we supposed to research codes or programs or components? gagastos pa kami pang wifi sa cafe/restos na pagdating dun mabagal din naman. sayang pera. sayang oras. we have very limited places where we can openly conduct our tests since some of it requires soldering components and i doubt they’d let us do that at restos ok? if we had guests over, if there were renovations being done on the house, fine. i get it. but if not, then why. WHY do we have to “make do”. Why not offer this space that we have. to these group of people who clearly have the need for it. what’s the fucking reason. what’s the fucking excuse. aside from the fact that you are stingy, too self-conscious and struggling with obvious fucking trust issues. no one cares!!! if the house is a little bit messy!!! WE AINT HERE FOR THE GODDAMN AMBIENCE MA. what don’t you understand about that???????????????

what do i have to do to make you understand?

i’m so so so frustrated. because i know that even if i voice out these feelings. they’ll just get thrown out the trash. cause you never acknowledge them. you think it’s some temper tantrum. you think you’re the only victim. you’re always the victim. and i’m just some fucking brat who won’t listen and doesn’t know any better. i’m sick of you. i’m sick of this. for once, just once. i would like your support without having to ask for it, to practically beg for it. without having to resort to making stupid rants on tumblr just so i can let off some steam cause i am so goddamn pissed and tired of you breaking promises. for once, i would like your trust. trust in me that i am doing this for the right reasons. but no. no, you just won’t will you? 

i just wanna leave. there are a lot of issues between us that i ignore. or i purposely push to the back of my mind. i don’t wanna think about them. look. look what happens when i open the lid a little. look what comes out. look how long this dumb rant is. it’s ridiculous how much i can’t voice out to you personally. you. my fucking parents. it’s sad. and it’s even sadder that you probably don’t even care. you can sleep at night peacefully, knowing that your child is upset with you. you can sleep peacefully at night even though you broke your promise. or you never address them. you wait for it to go away by itself. cause those kinds of things never mattered to you. was never a priority to you. and i hate that it matters to me. it makes me feel so bitter. because i see what could be and i can’t help being jealous of those families who can tell each other everything and have such unconditional love and support for one another. who encourage healthy expression of emotions. im so pent up. im so tired. im afraid im gonna follow in their footsteps one day and be as emotionally constipated kasi nakasanayan ko na. i dont want to. i want to be open. i want to talk about feelings. i want to validate and be validated. i want love and warmth and familiarity and safety. i want to find that for myself cause i can’t live like this anymore. it’s going to kill me. it already is. that whole depression fiasco only got worse and worse because i felt like i could never talk to them or anyone about it and trust me i tried. i know that i’m not supposed to yearn for something like this so hard. i. create expectations. and when they aren’t met i get so upset by myself. it’s stupid. but it’s what i want. it’s what i’ve always been looking for, as cheesy as that sounds. and maybe i should just give up on finding that in my current family. i still love them, i do. but i’m never going to find what i’m looking for with them. i don’t know if i ever will to be honest and that’s. kind of terrifying. i don’t know.

#dont read #personal #rant

[sarahburness]

10 Areas of Your Life That May Need A Boost

If you’re like most people, you probably have your annual New Year’s resolutions. And just like most people, you probably had a hard time making the leave the drawing room. The good news is that you don’t have to wait for the start of a new year to make things right.

I believe that the domain of our lives is much like the Parthenon, a tremendous structure supported by 10 crucial pillars. You may survive without one of them or maybe two. But if you’re running on too many low or missing pillars, your structure is in danger of collapsing.

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.” –Ashley Smith

Health and Fitness

Are you significantly overweight for your height/weight ratio? I definitely am.

It’s not easy to maintain that target weight when you’re busy working, traveling or dating a very good cook! However, it’s our mission to take steps toward our goals, even if they’re very little steps.

The best thing to do is to take your brain out of the equation by creating a set of rules for your diet. This way, when the question of ‘to cake or not to cake’ comes up, you’ll simply refer to the rule of ‘big fat no.’

I’ve currently set up several weight loss rules and they are working well so far. Remember, exercise is the key to life!

Mental Development and Education

Your mental development does not necessarily have to be tied into your degree. While I have a BA in psychology and MS in biomedical science, the great majority of what I know in life comes from experience, what I’ve read, and people that I’ve talked to.

It’s important that you identify what you’re mental development goals are and then go to the library or internet and self-study on all of those topics. The topics that you’ll find most useful for a well-rounded life are psychology, motivation, success, productivity, career development, problem solving, health, wealth, conscious living, and spirituality. You can branch out from here.

Work, Career, and Finances

Your job is your home away from home and your co-workers are your second family. It’s crucial to be in love with what you do to the point that you get up in the morning and go to ‘fun’ instead of going to ‘work.’ There is a career for everyone out there, and it is possible to make money doing what you love.

While I’m currently not the best person to be giving advice on money management (I’m working on this one as well), I do know the fundamentals. Save enough for the rainy days, don’t spend all your money in one place, and live below your means. If you live under your means, you can get into any career you want and thrive.

Social Life and Relationships

This is probably the strongest area of my personal life. Several principles allowed me to be in an amazing relationship and have truly great friends by my side. I realized that there’s no changing people.

Option 1 is to accept highly flawed people and put a tremendous amount of work into the upkeep and survival of these relationships. Option 2 is to find people with really great character and personality traits and put the same amount of energy into boosting these relationships into the stratosphere.

Just like with any other area of life, you reap what you sow. Notice how both of the options above demand a high level of energy and effort on our parts. It’s also important to put that energy into a few people and let’s call them your ‘dream team’ of friends.

For years, I was the person that knew everybody but wasn’t close to anybody. All my effort was spread among the hordes instead of creating life-long bonds (still putting more effort on this, and it’s paying off!)

Home and Family

The thing about your family life is that you can’t really exercise option 2 from #4. You can’t choose a different family that is everything you ever dreamed of. You’re kind of stuck with who you’ve got.

With that said, you might need to put all your effort into merely surviving them. In my experience, the more work I do on myself without worrying what the family is up to, the more fulfilling I find those relationships.

The key word here is acceptance and it’s something I’m going to be reminding myself of for the rest of my life! Having a delicious relationship with the people you love is absolutely instrumental to having the best possible life that you can.

Character, Integrity, Ethics and Virtues

This is the essence of who you are. If you’re going to get anywhere in any of the other areas of your life, you need to have the right framework. Integrity sits as the foundation of your character, and your ethics an virtues make the foundation even stronger.

Everything else gets built on top of this.Think of yourself as a big square stone. The real you is a beautiful sculpture within this stone. It’s going to take a life time of chiseling away, little by little, at this big stone in order to uncover the true you. The true you is the character that shines through even if no one is looking.

Emotion Control and Development

Even the strongest, most logical people are susceptible to emotional blockades. Emotions have the ability to create bottle necks in our experience of life. If you’re a violently angry person, you might have the genius to excel at your job, but your disposition will not allow you to work well with others. You won’t be a valuable contributing member to the overall benefit of your team.

Fear is another emotion that holds people back from getting a full experience of life. Read about emotional control, practice it, and talk to people that have a great sense of when they should cry and when they should laugh. You’ll be able to harness the power of emotions and use them to greatly amplify the efforts you are taking towards our goals.

Daily Habits and Routines

There are some things in life that don’t need to take up mental RAM and would actually work out better if we didn’t have to think about them. Our diet is one of them as I already mentioned, but other things such as our morning routines, exercise routines, our writing patterns, and our commutes to work don’t deserve to be given a second thought once we’ve mastered them.

Set up as many habits and routines as you believe are practical for your own life. Eliminate the time wasted when you dilly dally around thinking about what your next action should be. Then, when it comes to being fun and spontaneous with the people you love, drop the routines and have fun!

Life Purpose and Contribution

The big question is this: what are you living for?

Many people come to my site looking for suicide advice. I think that the number one reason is people’s lack of a firm grasp on their life purpose. Even if you aren’t suicidal, there’s still a huge difference between getting the maximum out of life and surviving a comfortable existence.

The trick to getting the maximum out of life is within the contribution part. Contribution is about giving the maximum to life. This means being a person that brings large amounts of value into this world, for proper compensation of course.

I believe it’s the people with the big purpose and goal, who actively pursue and achieve, that are able to enjoy life to the fullest.

Spiritual development

I’m personally in limbo on my spiritual development. I recently explored orthodox-Judaism and while much of it resonated with me, I ended up dropping the exploration of this extreme. It’s important to realize that spiritual development and religion are not necessarily one and the same.

The essence of spiritual development is rising to a higher-state of consciousness and seeking out the truth in your everyday life. By tapping into this energy, you’ll be able to relieve stress, find peace, and focus better on the important areas of your life.

The underlying goal behind all of these pillars should be to maintain a balance and reap maximum pleasure from each area of your life. You’ll notice that as you reach such balance each pillar will help you in your personal growth. Have a great day!

Which areas of your life do you want to improve first?

If you like this article and think it might be useful to others please vote for it on StumbleUpon, del.icio.us, and Digg. Thank you!

Written by Alex Shalman,  an avid reader who is constantly learning how to improve his life. You can catch him at Practical Personal Development .

The post 10 Areas of Your Life That May Need A Boost appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

from Dumb Little Man https://www.dumblittleman.com/10-areas-of-your-life-that-may-need/

[battleofdhund]

Calming Minds with @ImperfectQhuinn

W: *I'd left him alone for a couple days, not only to let him find his rhythm of being home again and talk to the others but to adjust to the things I'd told him. My approach so far had been pretty low key, soft and non-threatening now it was time to step it up and to put some demands and expectations behind what I said. Qhuinn wasn't dumb, on the contrary he was very smart but extremely hard on himself. He thought he wasn't worthy and years of being told and proven by people and himself especially that he wasn't was the reason he would benefit from the lifestyle. He was the reason I had gone through the trouble of contacting Tobias, not that I wasn't dominant by nature, I was but if it only had been for sex and play in the bedroom I could have explored that with Qhuinn without the training. Now I was still going to explore it with him, because  it was a about him and pleasing him but now I had the skills and means to know what I was doing. He needed me to be sure, secure and strong when he couldn't be. Knocking on his bedroom door I waited patiently for him to yell enter.* @ImperfectQhuinn

Q: -I had spent the past couple days just trying to have some sort of normal. I spent a lot of time in the gym with the trainees and hung out with the other Brothers. No one really acted differently towards me and they all seemed happy to see me out and functioning. But, in the back of my head everything Wrath had said to me still lingered. Every time I'd think about it my pride wouldn't let me get past the idea of having a collar on my neck and looking like a lost dog at Wrath’s feet. In the quiet time during the day in the house I tried to search the Internet for anything that I could find that would take away the idea I had in my head about it and unfortunately nothing I found was doing that. Some of the rope play looked interesting and the chains and stuff looked like something I could get on board with. But, reading about it and how some Masters wouldn't even let their submissive talk? I couldn't even imagine being told what I could or couldn't do and even the thought of it made me want to run. I had no good ideas on how to get Wrath and I from this place. I hated it- @_BlindRebel

W: *As I stood waiting for Qhuinn to open the door I thought about how much I'd missed him when he was gone. What had kept me going was knowing I'd find him and if I did what Tobias had said and kept calm and patient that I would eventually have one of the most rewarding relationships with the male I loved. I could hear Tobias voice in my head from one of the last phone conversations we had. “Remember, Wrath, he most likely won't have any idea what the lifestyle is, and if he has an inkling it will be the hardcore stuff about sitting on the floor kneeling, collating, whipping and all that other yummy stuff that's usually for subs that had been subs for a long time. He won't see the benefits it would give him, the peace of being rid of burdens he alone has carried. The complete love and utter devotion from a master. You will have to show him all of it.” And he was right I would have to do just that. Starting now. Banging on the door again, “Qhuinn, I know you're in there, open up.”* @ImperfectQhuinn

Q: -the pounding on the door jolted me from my laptop and the stuff that I had been reading. When I heard Wrath’s voice I slammed my laptop shut and rolled my eyes. Stuffing the computer between me and the arm of the big chair I'd been sitting in I called out- It's open. -I knew he wasn't coming in here to say hi. Song was trying to prepare myself for the impending doom of the last conversation that we'd had. I had been trying these past couple of days to understand but it had not helped and now he was here probably ready for some kind of answer or discussion about it. I wasn't ready for what this all meant and I wasn't ready to talk about it so I figured I'd put on a fake smile and pretend like nothing was even going on- @_BlindRebel

W: *He was tense, unnerved and not at all pleased to have me there, if the not answering the door was any indication. I entered closing the door behind me, my special glasses making it possible for me to see his face and the nervous fake smile he plastered all over it. “So, you done hiding and ready to talk to me Qhuinn? Or do you need another few days?” and work yourself up to an even more frenzied state, I didn't say that part though I had a seat on his bed instead. * @ImperfectQhuinn

Q: -He always smelled good. Why did he always smell so good? It was like whatever he used intensified around me. I had to stop myself from closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. He didn't need to see that. I watched him walk past me as he spoke and sat on my bed. My cock twitched at the sight of him sitting there smelling so fucking good. Traitor cock. I swallowed and cleared my throat before I spoke. I didn't want to have a frog in my throat and sound like a lustful teenager.- I don't really have an answer. I've tried looking for some redeemable information on the Internet but, everything I found was shit I wouldn't do. Why would you order me to be silent. Do you not want to talk to me? -I rubbed my hand on the back of my neck- I did like the chains and rope and stuff. -my words a mumble- @_BlindRebel

W: *Popping a brow, he'd looked things up at least that showed that he was interested and more than a little curious about trying things out, all which was a great start. “I'm glad that you want to know more about it. But why instead of going on the Internet and mostly just finding bogus made up shit or the selected extreme stuff unless you know where to look. Instead of doing that, why don't you talk to me and ask me your questions? Hmm, that's all I really want anyway, for you to come to me talk to me and give us a chance and not assume I'm out to hurt you or shame you. And since when have I ever said I was going to order you to silence?!” I growled just a little “why on earth would I want you silent, unless it was in a scene for a specific purpose.” Beside silence could be very therapeutic and calming but we didn't need to talk about that right then and there. There would come a day when Qhuinn asked for days of silence to not have to think or deal with the world and let me do it for him because he knew it was all for him anyway.* @ImperfectQhuinn

Q: -I sat back in my chair and crossed my legs Indian style. I took a deep breath and tried to process everything Wrath was saying. I owed him at least enough to listen and try to learn before I said no.- I am asking you questions. I can only have questions about what I find. I don't know even where to start here. I'm trying. -I rake my hand through my hair- I'm doing my best here and I realize that usually that isn't good enough but I'm trying. I don't even want to entertain the idea of a collar or a master. I'm an adult I don't need someone to control every aspect of my life. I'm not even sure what you think this is going to help. Why don't you start answering all those uncertainties first? -I tried not to sound like a child or a spoiled brat but I was clueless here and I didn't know what he was even thinking I needed help with.- You had a teacher right? Well I'm going to need one too. But with me you're going to have to start at square one.  @_BlindRebel

W: *Leaning forward resting my elbows on my knees I tip my glasses back and put them on top of my head and smile. “You're right I haven't answered your question, and I'm sorry for that. A Sub and Dom relationship can be anything and everything you need it to be, it can help you grow,  help you learn how to focus, how to ask for help, to have a person who's in your corner wanting to shoulder things for you when you can't or don't want to and to help you deal with shit that happens. It's about pushing boundaries both in regular life and in your sex life, to prove to yourself that you can and are able to do so much more than you think. That you're stronger than you let yourself to believe.” I stop and look at him and he's paying attention, at least he doesn't say anything “When it comes to you I want to help you stop putting yourself down,  to believe in yourself and the amazing male you are, I want to be the one you turn to for your needs and be the one who brings you more pleasure than you ever felt before. As for silence and collars, don't throw things out because you have a pre-made assumption on what they mean or how others have taught you to feel about them. When time comes, IF time comes try them for yourself and then decide.”* @ImperfectQhuinn

Q: -I listened closely. Probably for the first time in my entire life to the words he was saying and I was letting them sink in. I actually wanted to learn and wanted to know what it is that he wanted from me. What he was saying actually didn't sound so bad. Actually, it sounded almost great. He was right I did put myself down too much and I needed to stop that. It was ok to be different here and just because I wasn't attracted to men I wasn't judged by Wrath. It still didn't make sense to me how exactly he planned on getting me to stop putting myself down, it was ingrained in me from childhood. It's basically all I knew. The smile on his face though. Like he had a plan and knew every move that would be made and I didn't have to help him plan or do anything but be myself. The thought alone made me have chills.- How? How are you going to get me to stop putting myself down… Through all that? Punishing me? -I slowly got up and moved to sit beside him on the bed. I wasn't super close but I was closer than the chair. Maybe I would get a better grasp if we were closer.- @_BlindRebel

W: *He was relaxing and listening, I wanted to cheer out loud but refrained from doing so because I didn't want him to get all self-conscious again and pull back. I might have grinned a little more as the bed dipped next to me and he sat down asking me more curious questions. That was my Boy, my curious and eager boy. “There are many ways of doing this, what works for one couple doesn't work for another. For you, I think you need order, structure, discipline and a shit load of love. Putting yourself down could be easily taken care of with getting a punishment each time you do it. The Butt-to-brain method usually is effective, and for many subs, pleasurable way to work off bad habits.”* @ImperfectQhuinn

Q: -I'd watched Wrath’s body language closely and he didn't seem to be unsure of himself or his plans. Scooting a little closer while he talked and answered my question, I was more surprised that the only punishment that he'd really mentioned was spanking me. My mind wandered to what it would look like to have Wrath spanking me and what it would feel like. My cock now hard and straining against my shorts I tried to shift my entire body to not look like I was playing with myself but I knew he would be able to tell. He was basically promising to make me a better version of myself and who wouldn't want that? He was promising to love me which no one had ever done before, not even my own family.- What about the Brothers. What will they say knowing what we’re doing. You'll want me to submit in front of them won't you? -I had moved my hand between us and before I could stop myself my fingers were trailing up Wrath’s thigh- @_BlindRebel

W: *I was drawing him in, he was scooting closer, getting more and more turned on. I could scent his arousal and to be honest I'd seen him naked before and with that size dick it was impossible for him to hide it. I couldn't help the moan lined purr that rumbled up my throat as he touched me. This what I wanted for us to explore each other in bed, outside of bed. Taking his hand I guided him to straddle me so we could both touch and talk. “Qhuinn this isn't so much about what I want as to what you want. We will talk about things before doing anything. First you'll choose a safeword, the one word that will stop everything and lets you say no as much as you like. After that we will try things that we discuss. I might ask things of you because I feel you need them and if you can't absolutely stand the thought you'll use your safeword. I want your willing submission. I want to love you and be loved by you. I want to challenge you to reach your full potential not make you unhappy. To answer your question, no it is not a requirement to submit before the others. They don't even need to know”* @ImperfectQhuinn

Q: -When he reached for my hand I could feel like an electricity between us. My stomach fluttered and he’d pulled me on top of him in one quick motion. My legs straddling his lap and my cock being so close to his made my skin break out in goosebumps. I bit down into my bottom lip and rolled my hips slightly into his. I wanted him and the more he spoke the more things made sense for me. He didn't want to make me submit or feel embarrassed, he wanted me to submit to my comfort and do things that felt right for us. I moved my arms around his neck and played my fingers in his long hair as I started moving my face closer to his.- Do you want me to call you Master? Or Sir? -a sly smirk playing at my lips.- @_BlindRebel

W: *He was so hot in my lap we both almost caught on fire, his hips rolled because his need was so great. Placing my hands on his hips I pushed my own hips up grinding my hard cock against him to show him he wasn't the only one affected. The smirk on his face was glorious. “Sir will do for when we are alone and Master when and if we reach the point where nothing matters but you and I, not other people or what they think. This Qhuinn, is all it is about feeling, touching, fucking, focus and joy.” I grin and wink before going on, “I want to make you happy and strong. That's all.” Sliding my hands up his body and over his arms to his wrists I take them in my hands and guide them back behind his back holding them there in one grip. “All you have to say for no as long as you haven't chosen a safeword is stops and I'll stop.” Knowing he can break free pretty easily should set his mind at ease, and with my eyes on his even though I can't quite make them out without my glasses on I lean in to kiss him. My tongue teasing his lips open and delving inside to take possession of his mouth.* @ImperfectQhuinn #CalmingMinds

[fey-and-sudden-and-unholy]

Random Survey 1.

1. Do you have a nice yard? If so, do you spend a lot of time outside in it? If not, where do you go when you want to relax outdoors on nice days?

The new house did come with a yard, yes.  I don’t think the previous owners really knew what to do with it, though, as it’s pretty bare.  I’ve got plans for it, this spring, though!  We’re getting rid of the evergreen that had been planted right next to the garage, because that’s a dumb place to put a tree.  We have a huge side yard, so I want to plant a new one, there.  Maybe a cedar.  I dig cedars. I also want to plant lavender in the back yard, and maybe fox gloves, and put a smol gazebo-thing for a place to sit.  The roomies will have to clean it out a bit, though, as it’s currently full of their puppy’s poo, and I don’t fancy kneeling and digging around in it, when the time comes. 

2. Is there a group of friends that you used to hang out with but no longer do? Why don’t you hang out anymore and how do you feel about them now?

Sure, I’m sure everyone does.  There are friends I knew in school, who just faded away after I was no longer in school.  There were friends who proved toxic, who simply no longer exist to me.  There were friends who came with my husband and predictably (and thus painlessly) disappeared the moment he became my ex-husband.  A lot of people in life are temporary.  Most, in fact. 

3. Do your parents enjoy any of the things that you enjoy? Do you bond over these things?

I inherited about half my taste in music from my dad (classic rock, like the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, etc.), so we bond over that.  Any time I discover a video of someone doing something awesome with a guitar, I’ll share it with him, and he was really impressed with 2Cellos.  Things like that.  When I was a kid, I bonded with my mom over hiking. We used to go to state parks and pick a creek and follow it back into the wilderness for hours, come back wet to the knees and muddy and sometimes vaguely hypothermic.  (Fuck ur namby pamby trails, ok?  City Folk...)  We don’t really bond over anything any more, though.  She’s turned too toxic for me to do anything but keep her at a safe distance.

4. Did you ever say or ask something that you assumed was a neutral subject, but the person you were talking to became offended and you had no idea why?

... Honey, you know what site this is, right..?  

5. What is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating?

I waited with bated breath for both Only Lovers Left Alive and Crimson Peak.  I’m really fond of Tom Hiddleston, so when I heard he was gonna a.) star in a vampire movie with Tilda Fucking Swinton, and b.) do a Gothic Romance directed by Guillermo del Toro, I was completely ecstatic on both counts.  I always get a little “oh yay!” moment when I pick up on the actors/directors I like doing something new, but in those instances in particular I was glued to the screen for any news until they came out.

6. Do you have any ideas for a story or movie you’re planning to write or you’d write if you got the time/had the talent? Please share a synopsis!

Oh dear lord...  So far as stories, there are so many, and I feel protective enough of the ones I’m actually working on to not wanna share a lot.  There’s an Epic Steampunk Fantasy I’ve been working on for like ten years (AKA The Goddamn Novel).  Since I’m giving that one a break until the ideas feel fresh again, I’m also working on one involving The Magic of Writing and a girl inheriting an outrageous fortune and being haunted by her awesome great great aunt, and there’s also faeries.  There’s about a thousand interconnected short stories I wanna do modernizing Changeling legends.  There’s a gothic fantasy about a pair of incestuous half-demon half-siblings who usurp their actually-worse father’s kingdom.  There’s... there’s just a lot I wanna do, ok?

If you want movie ideas, let me show you my book shelf, but god help you if you don’t respect the source material, okok.

7. Do you ever feel like anyone is “out of your league” or does that concept not make any sense to you? What do you do when you’re attracted to someone but find them out of your league?

I don’t think leagues exist.  I mean there are people who are Very Not Suited for one another, and sometimes it’s really obvious they’re not, but...   When I’m interested in someone, all I care about is whether the interest’s mutual.  If it is, then yay!  If it’s not, you lick your wounds and move on, or maybe you at least get a shiny new friend of out of it, which is pretty great, too.  You’ve just gotta talk to them and find out.

8. What is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “That book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)?

Instantly open... eeehhhhnnn *vague hand-wiggle*  I think I’ve got too many trust issues for that, really.  But similar tastes/interests/viewpoints is a big plus.  

9. Do you refer to yourself by any sort of fan nickname (Belieber, Little Monster, etc.)?

I’d classify myself as a phan. (Phantom of the Opera fan)  I don’t think any of my other fandoms actually have cutesy names.  Or, if they do I’m not involved enough with the social aspects of it to know.

10. Do you ever just get lazy and give up on your friendships?

When that’s possible, I think it probably shouldn’t actually be classified as a friendship.  Sounds more like an acquaintance, to me.  At which point, yeah.  

11. Is there a person in your life (maybe barely) that you feel in constant competition with (even just in your imagination)? Maybe you feel they are consistently outshining you.

No.  There are people I admire, and consider sort of role models.  But, as twee as it sounds, the only person I’m ever working to outshine is past!me.

12. If you are single, even if you are normally happily single, are there certain specific things you witness that make you wish you were in a relationship (e.g., people getting engaged)?

I am mostly happy single, but I miss having someone to cuddle with sometimes. So, little intimacies, I guess?  Romantic gestures just for their own sake, especially if the person has paid enough attention to their partner for it to be actually personal and not generic.  Or, people having intimate conversations, where they really obviously click and they’re just excited about each other.  I don’t feel jealous of people who get to do these things, but they do make me feel a little lonely.

13. What sort of situations make you feel most self-conscious or inadequate? Are there any people or places that just make you want to crawl into a hole? If you can’t think of anything specific, can you remember the last time (or any time) you felt this way?

Wasn’t our school system designed around creating instances like this...?

14. Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site?

I like the one I have here.  It’s from a Dorothy Parker poem (one of the ones where she isn’t just trying to be flippant and clever, though I like those, too.)  Over on the only other site I really do much on, I go by sister_midnight, because David Bowie is one of those celebrities who I always kind of felt like was a beloved weird uncle I never actually got to meet. Also I like that song.

15. Are there any cities near you that you’re afraid to go to because of the crime rate or its other bad reputations?

I don’t think I’d want to be in parts of Indy after dark.  But honestly there are plenty of rural places and smaller towns around here I’d say that about, too.

16. If you went to camp as a kid, was it a pleasant experience? Do you think that all kids should be able to go to camp? If you didn’t go to camp, do you feel like you kind of missed out on something?

I got hustled off to Bible Camp, once.  I mostly didn’t bother protesting because it was something to do away from home, and my step-mother never respected me not wanting to go to church, so church-camp was the same sort of thing. It was kind of an alien situation, seeing as I hadn’t actually been Christian for about five years, by that point, but I was also used to it.  Plus, sometimes it’s just interesting what you can learn by letting people think what they want and just standing back and... watching them go.  I learned way more about what they were really like by doing that than by reading the Bible, that’s for certain.

17. Do you grandparents ever judge you or stick their heads in your business? If not, is there someone else in your life you dread seeing because of their unwanted input?

I was half raised by my grandparents after my parents divorced and my Dad moved back home, with me in tow.  They were never Catholic enough to do the church thing often, but by god they were Catholic enough to wanna use judgement and shame as a means of trying to browbeat you into who they thought you should be.  According to my father, the judgement started at conception, actually.  I was an accidental pregnancy, you see, and Grandma only stopped abusing him over it after he pointed out that abortion was always an option.

18. Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)?

I studied faerie lore pretty much non-stop for like five years when I was a teen.

19. Would you ever go on a media fast (i.e., avoiding tv, movies, the internet, and magazines for a certain amount of time, in an attempt to become aware of how media makes you feel)? Do you think that sort of thing would benefit you?

Yeah, and actually I have found it beneficial in the past.  It’s good to take a break and unplug sometimes.

20. Are you happy with where you currently live? If not, what don’t you like about the area and do you plan on leaving?

I love the actual land, where I live.  We have some beautiful countryside, here.  But I don’t like the people, and would love to eventually move someplace more liberal.  I love New England, especially around Boston, and my best friend lives there. (Though I don’t think I’d want to live in the city.)  I’d like to poke at the West Coast, especially around Washington and see how that suits me.  And I adored Ireland, when I visited, so I wouldn’t write that off as an option either.  For now, though, here will do. I’m in a good situation to save up money and plot a permanent escape.

21. If someone told you that we live in a society that hates women, how would you respond?

Seems obvious to me.  Though, I do hold out a certain amount of hope for things to change for the better. We just need to build enough guillotines and put them to good use.

22. When was the last time you were on a boat? Whose boat was it, and what were you doing?

... I honestly can’t remember that last specific time.  o_0  Clearly I should fix this.

23. Have you ever been completely blindsided by a break-up or have you sort of felt all of your relationships deteriorating before they ended? If you would prefer not to answer, what is the last instance you can remember being totally blindsided by news you heard?

No, not really. Generally you can feel things starting to unravel.   

24. Can you remember the last thing you thought and subsequently thought, “wow, I really shouldn’t be thinking that”?

No.  Like Shakespeare said, thought is free.

25. If you ever think about getting married, what are some aspects of the wedding that you would like to see in a non-traditional manner (e.g., a different color dress or “partners” over “husband” and “wife”)?

I don’t do white clothes, wedding dress or otherwise.  As for the rest, if I bothered with a second wedding it would actually be for me, this time, so you can bet it wouldn’t be traditional.  Given that I couldn’t see myself choosing a traditional partner, I don’t imagine they’d mind.

#survey #you can play too