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secretbangtnn · 3 years

Text

Love Lies | kth I

➤ summary : You never had it easy. From the first day of your life it seemed like fate was a big joke, making every effort to make you feel miserable. Shortly after taking the first step into adulthood, you are convinced that childhood doom follows you like a shadow. On the verge of being broke without any help, you take your friends advice and try your hand in industry you have no idea about.

➤ genre : CEO! au, prostitution but not really au, strangers to enemies to lovers, Smut, fluff, angst

➤ pairing : Taehyung x reader ft. Jimin (This chapter Jimin x reader)

➤ ratings : 18+ NSFW

➤words : 10k

➤ warnings : swearing, prostitution, sex for money, mentions of mental health, toxic household, mentions of violence, explicit sexual content, mxm, fxm, family problems, dishearitance, toxic relationship, Taehyung is bad at feelings, reader is lost, soft boy jimin, sexy hot taehyung (couse that will need a warning) - more to be added

notes ~

I finally did it! I'm so sorry for the wait and how the chapter came out - it's a little more messy than I predicted but i wanted to give you something before the big story. I promise the next chapter is going to start with the big action and main plot and finally with Taehyung. I really hope for some feedback, I worked hard for it to be done before the next week and even though it may seem boring i really hope it’s okay.

taglist:

@jinssexytoe @danyxthirstae01 @alwaysasadaesthetic @luvmingyu @chimincubus @minshookie29

Underneath the sunrise

Show me where your love lies

Relationships that are based on lies never last long and everyone who found themselves in artificial feelings, knows of the truth of those words. Although that sweet sinful lie sometimes replaces that thing we could have never got.

You never thought about yourself as someone low, at least not that low to kneel to beg of something so materialistic like money.

You respected yourself at the same time being sure that you would fight everything alone. Just like a good fighter - you didn't need a good sword in a big war. Even once in your whole life you wouldn't have thought of stepping that low to actually work as a cleaner in old school or supermarket lady, that couldn't even use the calculator right.

How ironic, we love when inevitable doom falls on people that did not deserve it.

You were taught from the beginning, how to live, what to do, how to look, and the most important who to listen to. It's so weird when we find a character that's not extremely bad or good, not the shy mouse of the school, also not the hot rebellious cool girl with too big ego, and mouth so unbelievable that you actually start to think if you have ever met someone without such basic manners.

Fact is that you are bland, your life never yours to live, as someone recorded it with a script in their hands, and a plan for an ending and second part. It was frustrating knowing how many people never cared about you, however you could not say that you indeed did too.

Lessons were taught, those made you somehow resistant to disappointments in life. First happening in early stage, not even first year of your high school, people started to know - know about this and that, about family of yours and how privileged they would be if they had you on their side.

But you did not have a problem with it, mindset so set that you liked to think about money as a guarantee of friendship. And with this thought you let the first people use you, not minding their motive of only getting part of your prosperity.

So you believed to those days that your childhood indeed was normal.

You never tried to run from your life, you never saw yourself as a hormonal teenager in need of attention.

In the end only those who were born in respecting families, where work and pride is placed higher than blood ties, knows how upringbing really looks in such a household. Your standart always high, doing that to not need to put it higher again.

Parents instilling you dreams that were not yours, making you believe in something they always wanted. Like it was written, your whole life does not belong to you, and realization over it came in the moment when it was a little too late. Happy smiles never real, friends you swore would not leave you, disappeared within a night.

However let’s not impose that your parents were monsters, killing you on the inside with their cold demeanor or making your life miserable.

The first problem began when you had enough, when a virus in your mind told you about your own desires.

You remember this day like it was yesterday. Invisible mark on your check is still pulsating, with a wound much deeper inside screaming at you that it is still not healed.

“I want to study medicine.” Those were the exact words you first told your mother, freezing her in place and scarring inside with the power and destruction they held. She did not hold back with ignoring you, acting like the sentence was a mere passing wind, just fluffing hair in a not nice type of way. You expected that, nothing new from a shell of a person your mother has become, money and power empowering her mind, probably killing the young woman you are now, in her.

So the first step of actually making a point of how you processed to cut your family ties, were with your mother, kind of preparing you for what has to come.

Dark room, with marble accents and a woody smell that came straight to your nostrils. Mahogany desk, big enough to contain tons of papers scattered over it like some kind of nto important rubbish. You however knew better, and those innocent stock of inked pages held more value than maybe you yourself.

It was so hard to breathe in this tiny space, now feeling ever more closed up, dark and not welcoming. You tried to believe that the reason for it was not really a man sitting just before you, not minding your presence in a slighlets, but a stress and emotions on your back, you were trying to bear by yourself.

“I’m busy.” Short answer, not even directed to you - not that the man ever looked at you with those dark eyes. Predictable, exactly like you guessed. Cold feeling with a hot flush over your cheek, not knowing where the previous patience had gone.

Maybe you finally had enough. You were too tired to try to understand.

“Dad, please listen to me.” Ice cold bucket over your head, a void eyes now on you, not really expecting them to stay on you for so long, or even look up. Pupils a little blow out, stirring the dark color pallet of his eyes, similar to the tone of the bags under them. What a wrack of a man he really was, lanky hands under the suit, scribbling over something not even a minute ago, now lying lifelessly on a brownish desk.

“You really couldn't find better time for your whining? Go on, I still have a lot of work to do before I need to actually go.” Unconcern, you could even feel the unitresment oozing from him, hitting you with those eyes. They were looking at you, but at the same time it felt like they never were there. Black holes, no feelings found, gaze scary for those who never met someone so indifferent.

“I dropped out.”

“What?” Words came after some silence, piercing straight your beating heart. Hands in fist, just beside your thighs, so white that it could even be a little concerning for those looking from the side. You were nervous, even after you told yourself that this conversation was not going to be easy. Smooth information that it should be, your own life choices never discussed so openly.

“I dropped out of college”

Not a breath was heard, a heavy hand landed on the desk with a smack, knocking in the process some of the scattered pens.

“You did what?” Too calm, his voice was too calm for such information. Nerve wracking feeling once again welcomed you inside, making you take one step back. Soft material of the shirt creased under your hard grip. “It’s not the time for such a jokes Y/n”

“I’m not joking dad, I took the papers yesterday. I'm tired of wasting my time on something I never wanted.”

“Oh? But are you really? What are you going to do then? I'm getting really curious” Tone momocking you in every kind of way. You clench your teeth, an annoyed expression came over your face, just to disappear within one glance of the man.

Questions were rhetorical, laughing at your whole being in the cruelest manner. He knew about your every vulnerability, molding your persona from the beginning. So it must have been funny for him, seeing a little girl, someone he treated not entirely equally, however putting some kind of hope and dreams he himself could not reach, standing before him like a scared puppy asking for a treat.

“You yourself know the best how important those studies are for you. You prepared your whole life to go there and take my place one time, so don’t joke about it like it’s some kind of dish you are bored of eating.”

“You forced me to do it! I never wanted to take your place, study the stupid law.”

“And you decided that this is the time to suddenly realize that? Y/n from the beginning, we always gave you what you wanted, fulfilling your every wish, buying everything you wanted, and even after that you can’t be grateful. We only asked you for one thing, one thing Y/n, there is not such a thing like your dreams, there is only our family.” You wanted to laugh, those stupid exucess, only making you annoyed and wroked up. Manipulating you into believing you were selfish, that you are the problem, and you owe them right to living.

“Don’t be ridiculous father, you are not in the place to talk about family or do I need to remind you of Na-”

You heard it before you felt it. Burning feeling right in your left cheek, head on the side from the harash contact it made with the ringed hand. It was not the first time you saw or experienced such an act. Father being the man that loved to lose his temper rather fastly, hiding on the outside behind the calm demeanor and innocent smile.

Blood on your tongue, the metallic taste in your mouth like a forbidden flower you just tasted.

“You really want me to get mad today hm? “ You really wanted to nod, looking straight at him from your hair that fell after the slap. Hand on the cheek, trying to stop the pulsating ache to echo so much, however you know the best that the hot feeling is only building up and it's the only matter of time till the beautiful tones of purple show on your soft skin.

His own hands now begin viped over the handkerchief, a little blood over the white fabric, likely from the little scratches the rings were able to make.

His back to you as he went back behind the dark desk, sitting on his chair like nothing happened. And you knew, secretly that it was the end, that the conversation was done and nothing else could be said.

You closed your eyes, not even noticing you did it, realizing it after the first salty tear fell to your mouth, giving you a taste of sorrow. Head down, not in shame but in anger, with a pulsating cheek not letting you forget about the consequences your every word bears, you turned around going to the door that before somehow gave you so much hope.

“Oh and Y/n, there is no you without this family, but there is family without you. It won’t be the first time when I lose a child.”

Those exact words hunted you till this day. Rather heavy feeling, three years not long enough to make you forget, or let you accept a new life.

Loud noise of passing cars just outside the dirty window with a pounding of heart echoing in your ears. It was one of those bad days - you liked to say, those however started happening a lot of more. Breaking was never something you wanted to do, working so many jobs you could not count on your fingers, living in shitty apartments for no longer than two months just to end up on someone's couch.

That is the life you chose, the life you barely lived, everyday wishing for a miracle.

Harsh paper under your fingers, weighting your hand weirdly down - maybe it was the words that made the letter so heavy, maybe the truth you needed to face. Fact is that you do not know what to do, trying for the last months to make a living for yourself, get better pay and settle down for a longer time.

Words of your father echoing once again, making your eyes squish with the feeling. It was so hard to accept a defeat, something that you worked so hard for and for so long. You could not beg, you could not go on your knees again, and even if it was an option, imagines and memories of life in such a household keep you in the place you are now.

Head resting under your arms, shielding bright rays of sun from your eyes, long locks falling down in waves just over your pale face. You pulled them with a strength you did not know you possessed at the moment, as if it was because of them you needed to deal with all of this.

“Think Y/n, think” Mutters fell from your mouth like a mantra, supposed to make you cheer up a little. Void in your head, not ending emptiness that scares you as much as the strings of unpaid numbers on this goddamn paper.

An late hour struck on the side clock, hanging on one of the grey walls of the run down apartment you lived in. Sight itself is depressing, leaving you in wonder if maybe it is not one of the reasons for your current mood.

Who you wanted to trick.

A little knock once again echoed in the quietness of your home, reminding you of the late hour. Looking from your thick locks of hair, you sighed seeing how little time you actually got to get there. With one move, you left the scrap of paper on the side, and stood up from the ugly green couch, taking in the process bag of the crookedly hanged hook.

Fast footstep as you nearly run over one of the olders ladies living in the same flat, trying to messily wrap an apron over your waist, which is not as easy as it seemed to be earlier. Bluish fabric holding on to you with all the power, hanging a little on the too long strings, that untied themselves with each step.

You tried not to think about all those stares, looking at you as you run past them, not minding where your feets go, or if you accidentally push someone on the side. Let people think what they want, it's not like your opinion matters, and being a disgrace to your whole family disappears.

Familiar neon letters came to your sight forming the greenish title of caffe you soon found yourself in. A little bell rang as the door opened informing everyone about your presence. Calm atmosphere, everyone was busy in their own word, you loved this, a quiet place which you often found yourself admiring.

You wished that working there was not such an obligation, the only thing that let you stay in your current apartament. Rosy cheeks, and cheeky smiles as people got their morning coffee, thanking you quietly for the drink with such a pure impression, that you could not hold back the smile you gave each one of them.

“I’m so sorry for being late, I hope you didn’t need to run too much.” You said between heavy breaths, still trying to catch remaining puffs of air, head tilted to the side, hands on knees as you looked at the little blonde behind the counter.

Said boy only laughed a little, shaking his head from the embarrassment after the statement. Ringed hands cleaning some cups, quiet melody living his plump lips.

“Am I suppose to feel offended? I’m not an old man you know.” He asks, knowing that the answer will never be given. Voice on the lighter side, something you would expect from such a soft looking boy, warm and sweet to listen, and you indeed do, always keeping quiet when the boy talked about his own day to fill the quietness of your workplace.

You knew the boy was one of the things that made you feel normal, with his bright persona and angelic personality, you liked to believe he was one. He did not ask, knowing some things should stay in the dark, and you repaid him the same, being fully aware of the boy's secrets.

“Not at all. Beside we all know that it's not about you, but about who will get in trouble from your whining - and yes, it would be me. “ You say, patting his back on the way to the other side. Confused gaze now on you, as you smirk at the questioning boy waiting for some kind of elaboration, only getting from you another cup to wipe.

“Should i remind you of a certain person, which came to me with a complaint of how his favorite boy was tired - what was his name? Oh yeah Yo-”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

You laughed at the squeaky voice that came in a form of fast spoken answer, a little too fast to understand every word completely. Pretty blush came over his round cheek, soon appearing on tips of his lears, hidden by mop of blonde hair.

Not a piece of judgment in your gaze, but rather sweet caring look over the embarrassed boy next to you, trying so hard not to look bothered by your everyday teasing, that he was slowly getting accustomed to, liking how your voice gets a little lighter, your eyes light up and a pure giggle leaves your mouth.

Yeah he definitely could live with it if it means he can see the sparkle pops out in the dark of your pupils.

Cup in his hands a little heavy with the next thought that came over him. Melody coming with the pleasant wind of the early monday morning, his eyes however discreetly gazing over your figure. He knew when the times were worse, when your collarbones stood out more, welcoming i'm from the collar of an old shirt, you probably needed to wash by hands, and he hated that even if he tried to explain it, not care so much, he simply could not stop the worry seeking of him.

You were a sweetheart, never judging him, understanding his reason even after he told you about the second job he needed to take. You simply smiled, wishing him all good, and getting excited about dreams that were not your own, laughing with him and talking about his future plans as if you had place in them.

Thanks were never enough to pay off all the hardship you helped with. He respected you, admired so many things about you, how you don’t need a reason to give an arm to cry on, always taking a piece of burden on your own shoulders, whispering promises and talking about a better future that comes with hardships.

“Don’t be so embarrassed~ “ You sing to his ear when you pass him, going over to the coffee machine, big bag of beans in your hands. “I dare to say I got a little jealous when I saw him for the first time.”

“Gosh I hate you sometimes.” He whines, throwing his head back, closing his eyes to remain calm. Smile now on your lips, little giggles leaving your busy persona, trying not to be too loud in such an early hour.

An enjoyable silence came over once again, only sounds of working machines and knocks of cups, that were cleaned and wiped, mind automatically getting fuzzy from the fresh brew of coffees and autumn wind. Not a person in a shop, being still a little too early to welcome customers or get a morning drink, subtle music playing a little louder at those times filling little breaks of silence.

So how surprising it was, when those little giggles tickled your own ears suddenly and strong arms, clothed in white shirt, sneaked around your waist, making you lose the focus on filling the cup with beans. Blonde hair over your cheek, stroking the soft skin with a funny feeling, only pushing you to squirt more.

“You know if you liked him so much, you could have just said. I would think of something.” He whispers mockingly, smacking his lips in the end. Shiver comes with his next move, hands on your hips, keeping them from stirring so much, hot and on the smaller side however still noticeably bigger than your own. “Sadly I do not share my clients.”

With those words, he quickly detaches himself, hitting your bum with a cheeky smile that you soon could see right before you as the boy grabs one of the fresh croissants, putting the whole thing into his mouth.

“It must be big for you to say that.” You laugh, looking at the choking boy with the same expression he was giving you not even a minute ago.

“That was totally inappropriate.” Says blonde, chugging a glass of water you gave him out of pity.

“Now, don’t play an innocent Jimin, I see how you look at that one girl that comes here every friday. Didn’t you even memorize her order - gosh i heard you repeating it so many times that I know it myself.”

“Okay, okay maybe you are right, but it doesn’t mean you can judge me.”

“Would I ever?” A dramatic sight from the boy's accusations leaves your lips, you touch your heart looking at him with the most hurt eyes you could manage to do, a little tear spins in your eye. Mouth full of baked goodie, he laughs showing a little of non eaten food, with a proud expression to it. Your own smile now noticeable on face, happy feeling over your whole being, loving how this short amount of time with the bubbly boy let you forget about some problems. You take one of the left rags of the counter and throw it at his face, hoping to get him to work. “Stop eating! We are opening soon and I don't want to listen to how the coffee machines should be ready before the first client, because someone didn’t want to move his ass.”

“Just say you don’t want to deal with that old raisin.”

Nobody did, but Jimin had some superpower you sadly did not possess, and could at least shut the old businessman that somehow always comes first. Coming back to an earlier job, you pour black beans in the measuring cup, trying not to let the weight of the bag swoop you.

Place once again in a nice atmosphere, Jimin singing somewhere in the back, probably preparing syrups and goodies, sorting eveyrything on the displae plate. You two fell in a pleasant rhythm, doing your jobs like robots, knowing where things should go, and how not to disturb each other in the middle of action.

And it was something you really enjoyed, that piece and order, making you feel secure at least in such a place. Like you had power over your own life, your hands did what you wanted, your mind clear with tasks to be done.

Peace.

You both knew that this place was a mere act in the theatre of lies, you played in. Cafe such like that one, a happy place for two broke students, that tried everything in their power to make a living, pursue dreams so far away, still hoping that they are not going to disappear with all the hardships.

You could just drown in this lie of beauty picture you painted yourself, pretending your lifes do not look as bad, and even though you did not know the boy so well, you could tell from his eyes that he indeed is a player in the same game as you.

The truth being you did not know each other, you were not close. You knew about his job, about his own problems - some of them left unsaid, but who could you judge when you acted exactly the same.

Understanding from each other was enough.

However the boy tried to help you, offering sum of money or better paid jobs in times when you were too tired to hide it, those although - he learned after some time, never were an option for you.

And so with the next passing wind, the first client came welcoming you with kind of a grumpy smile, wishing for you to just make him the coffee. It was as always, a busy morning on the first day of the week, that always seems a little more crowded than any other, with business men and middle aged women trying to get over their morning sickness as fast as possible.

You saw the girl you talked about some minutes ago, looking from her covering eyes bangs, squashed from pink beanie on her head, nevertheless still laid perfectly. A little wave, hand hid under the panda mittens she liked to wear every other day the temperature goes down.

You smiled at the interaction, the excited smile on Jimin's face he tried so hard to hide, not doing a good job with his nearly nonexistent eyes that disappeared just because of it. She was pretty, a student in a university you both go to, however you were not sure what exactly she was majoring in.

Her funky style makes you take a shot at something related to fashion, but that might be completely wrong and the girl could just like wearing such bright clothes.

“Love the mittens, they look nearly as cute as you.” You heard, looking back from your busy hands, to gaze at the flustered pair. Adorable giggle soon leaves her mouth, covering lips with the said gloves as her own eyes disappear from weirdly similar eyesmile.

Jimin was a sweetheart, someone who deserved a happy future. And so you did everything to make that happen, wishing him the best and trying to help him even if it means your own happiness goes on a second plan.

“I'm sorry but could I order.” Coming back to your own job, you look up immediately, catching the gaze of one of the clients you did not recognize.

“Oh yes of course, I'm sorry for the wait. What can I get you?”

----

A loud noise of a closing locker echoes in a quiet room in the back of the coffee shops. Night air chilling from the open window you opened some minutes ago, to get rid of a smell so many people.

The calm of the room soothing your buzzing nerves and shaking hands, that always seems to do it after a hard day of work. Your attention now somewhere else as you try to take off the blue apron, laying it somewhere on the lonely bench next to you.

It was a busy day, helping you forget about what waits for you at home, and what person will probably visit you in the meantime. You didn’t like those times, the quiet after such hard working hours, leaving you with anxious thoughts rotating around the same problems you tried so hard to run away from.

So you tried once again, silence your mind with your hands, taking every job you could, now wiping lockers that never needed to be wiped before. The same rug from before in your hands, sliding over an uneven surface.

“Y/n?” You jumped from the sudden voice, swearing that Jimin was in the other room just a second ago. Turning around, you try to look unbothered, clenching the old rug in your hands with such interest. A little noise comes from your mouth, hum to let him know you are aware of his presence.

“Everything alright?” He asks a little unsure of the question, looking at you from the other side of the room, close to the door connected to the main room.

“Yeah, why would there not be?

“You were cleaning the lockers like not even a minute ago.” He says without thinking. Voice somehow suspicious, full of hidden concern as his suspicions from before seem to be true. You were not alright, and Jimin knows exactly what it may be. “If you need hel-”

“I'm alright! I'm really alright there is no need to worry, I'm just stressed because med major is harder than I thought.” The sigh is enough to let you know that he is not buying it.

Hard steps as he comes closer, opening his own locker situated right next to you, eyes glazing back at you from his clothes is started to put back. Tight lipped smiles is the only thing you are capable of answering with, catching his dark stare for a second.

“Im worried, and I know what you want to say, but I can’t help it. You are always the one that takes my burden so why can I not do the same?” He closes the locker with too much strength, making you jump again from the loud noise.

“It’s different.”

“How is it different? You help me with everything, you let me cry, you let me crash at your apartment when my parents try to make a mess again, so what’s the problem with me?! You don’t even want to tell me what's wrong dammit.” His eyes glassy from all the emotions, hands in a fist as if he tried to hold himself back. He turned completely to you, cornering you to the lockers behind, not letting you leave this time.

“Is it because of my work? Are you ashamed to take dirty money from someone who can’t earn normally and needs to sell themself. Is it this?! Tell me Y/n, I’m tired of seeing you in such a state, you are my friend.”

“You know it’s not that.” You tried to argue catching his watery eyes.

“So tell me, tell what is going on.”

Your own mouth in agape, words lost somewhere in the back of your head. So many years going alone, keeping everything to yourself shows itself with such a hestation of saying easy words that could let you breathe easier at night.

But would they really?

Giving someone your own burden was something you were taught as a shame. Problems should stay in family, and even there your father always told you to fight them alone.

“I - “ Eyes hopeful, looking at you with new found desperation. Big and different from the ones he was giving the sweet girl with panda mittens, and that alone made you sick knowing that the sparkle left because of you. “I’m sorry Jimin I just can’t.”

And you broke. With the remaining energy you mustered, you fell onto Jimin, him nearly not catching you on time. First tears fell, with such a power, rolling down your cheeks, wetting the soft fabric of Jimin’s shirt. You did not know why, why now you decided to just let go, sobbing so much, hoping the boy will understand that you only need someone to hold you.

And he did, wrapping his arms so securely around, letting you hide the red face in a crock of his neck. Fresh smell of flowers and perfume he always wore with a noticeable hint of coffee, you probably possesed yourself. Quiet whispers of comfort, tickling your scalp a little, hands patting your hair with care, brushing them with such a delicacy, like he secretly knew how breakable you are now.

“It’s going to be okay.” Void promise, his lips close to you kissing your forehead, with shaky hands trying so hard to gather every tear that fell down. With a little move he sat on a bench, an apron which you earlier left there dropped on the floor, a quiet thud ran in the small room, you on his lap, trying so hard to become smaller nearly molding in the bigger body of Jimin’s.

Sorry’s fly through your mouth, realizing it after Jimin's starts to rock your body. He peels your face from the safe space of his neck, wiping your running tears with both of his thumbs and trying to smile a little.

“I know it’s hard, but sometimes we need to let someone in, let them help put broken pieces together.” Eyes shining in the dim light of the room, your mouth ready to disagree quickly however quieten by his own speech. ”I know what you want to say Y/n” He starts again taking a big breath. “Being helpless doesn’t mean being weak, asking for help is not something to be ashamed of. Being strong however - is letting someone in, taking they hand and standing up with them - you have to have courage to do it, and I know you do to - but whoever put such a toxic mindset in you, keeps you from it and you need to realize that there is no longer people who will judge you for falling down a litte.”

Eyes falling down, sore from all the crying that has no plans to stop. You wipe the snot with your sleeve as well as wet cheeks, laughing a little after it, sniffles in the room as you try to calm yourself a little.

Jimins gaze still at you, now softer still brushing your hair in a calming manner with the second hand drawing circles on the side of your waist. It was shameful, hearing such words, knowing deep down they were true, but too prideful to agree with them.

“Gosh If I knew you cry like that, I would take a bucket with me. I wouldn’t need to pay water bills for like two months with it. “ He laughs as you smack him with your hand. Smile on your face, you tilt your head leaning on his arm with all the weight, a small sigh leaves your mouth. Smell of coffee now is more prominent with his own perfume, which he wears everyday, pushing your mind into own fuzzy feeling. “You know that I will always be there for you, right?”

A silent nod is enough, not too much to say after such an outbreak from your side still buzzing inside you. You know it was true, with how much you both came through together, it would be stupid to leave someone who become somehow a safe heaven.

“What are you going to do now? You won’t take any money, I guess you either are not going to be too willing to crash in my apartment.” Your head immediately shots up, eyes searching those of Jimin. A look of confusion cross your face for a second, with the words repeating in your mind once again. His face however is still serious, not leaving your surprised gaze.

“W-what how do you kno -”

“Your landlord called, I didn’t want to disturb you on your break - by the way I saw you sleeping you are not as sneaky as you think.” He interrupts you in the middle of talking, brushing his hair.

You frown, looking in disbelief at the boy, a little upset from the news. Touching your phone was okay, but taking a call and not saying anything, it just fell wrong.

“So why were you trying so hard to force me to talk?” The questions came a little more aggressive than intended, but who could you blame when your private life was exposed so easily. Truth being that you felt not as angry as embarrassed, never sharing such information before leaving them in the dark.

“I know you would be angry when I tell you about the phone - which I was right about.” He pouts looking somewhere in shame, like a child that was caught with sneaking sweets.

“But it doesn’t matter, what are you going to do without help? It’s not like our boss will gave you a rise from nothing, and do not even think about starting another job - we have studies, it would be plain stupid unless you ask your family for help, you never mentioned them but they would understand right?.”

“They sure would.” You sneer, standing up from the comfort of his lap. Your smile turned down on the mention of those people, it's not like you want to have something going on with them, it would be asking satan for help and that always comes with a price. “Thanks for everything Jimin, but I will be alright.” You add walking back to the hatstand where your hoodie hangs, grabbing it with your free hand, second one carrying the bag. Jimin's eyes follow you, surprised by the sudden movement and innocently big, like he waited for some better explanations - which he won’t get.

“B-but wait! Where are you going, don’t leave me like that!” You heard the shouts, desperate movements in the previous room meaning the boy tried to catch up, however you were long ago outside the cute coffee shop, starting the journey to your quiet apartment. Maybe it was mean, and maybe Jimin was too good to be treated like this, but your own mood was now too fragile to stay in the same room as the insistent boy.

Autumn wind welcoming you once again, cold weather sneaking inside your clothes, the light hoodie not doing any justice with such temperature - still it was the only thing you owned with better quality. Head full of thoughts a little overcrowded with a starting headache, not letting you walk in a peace you somehow needed just now.

Walk to your house - at least the recent one, was not one of the long one, rather passing as a nice stroll. And even though your shifts ended in night hours, the quiet and calm way never made you feel scared of any sudden dangers awaiting you on Seoul's streets. It was a nice neighborhood, one where families that were a little lower than middle class tried to make a living, keeping their kids in a safe environment. Happy smiles and laughs welcoming you sometimes in the morning, kids rushing to their own school, greeting you even after those months you stayed there, only making you nostalgic at the thought of leaving such a safe haven.

So it was more than surprising when a quick footstep rang in your ears, soon nearing you even faster. Your beating heart now rapidly knocks in your chest, as your eyes try to search for the reason for those sounds.

You didn’t need to search for loong, soon hearing the screech of a voice not so far from you. “Y/n! Wait for me!” It was even worse when the little man started to dramatically draw his hands to touch, however your concern only lay in the thought of waking up the whole neighborhood. Eyes slitted, an annoyed expression crossing your face at the sight of the panting boy, soon stopping before you, not without tripping and nearly taking you with him. “You… really want to kill me.”

Heavy breath hitting your face, his voice strained and tired from the miles he needed to run to catch up to you. You however were more than a little shocked - yes Jimin is stubborn, and yes he is the person to run after someone just because the said person lost a penny, but his appearance here was different. It was crossing the invisible line you both draw, accepting each other's bubble of comfort.

So the question still stayed, your face hard with a thundering gaze waiting for the boy to calm a bit.

“Why did you suddenly leave?” Seriousness leaked out from his tone, however the way his eyes scrunched only meant that he indeed felt a little hurt from your previous action. And you don’t even wonder why, knowing how your choices could wound the innocent boy. “Is it about your family? If its a soft topic we can never talk about it ag-”

“You want me to walk away again?” His eyes got bigger at your cold tone, his foot taking a step back. Your family, the topic you did not want to bring up today, explaining the harsh demeanor you suddenly took. Eyes however softened as fast as they met the boy’s hurted ones, a gulp of remorse sliding down your throat. “Look - I appreciate your help but I don’t need a person to be helpless with.” You took a step forward placing your hands on the boy's arm, squeezing it in reassurement. Looking him straight into eyes a sight left your mouth soon forming in a little awkward smile - the only one you could force yourself into. “You helped me enough, there is nothing else you can do, It’s not your battle to fight you have your own problems and asking you to take mine would be cruel.”

And how awful it was to turn back leaving him again, you did just that, giving him the last pat with a smile. His own mouth opening and closing, agape from the schock you probably left him. And you were sure that this time he will let it go, your words full of coldness not leaving room for arguments.

“But what if I do?” His voice stopped you in the middle of the step, freezing your form with a new squeeze in stomach. You did want to hope for nothing, feeling how your eyes got bigger in surprise, being so close to turning back to face the blonde boy. “What if I can do something?”

“Jimin we are over it - I won’t take any of your mo-”

“I didn’t mean that. I’m not that stupid to not understand first hundret times you made it clear.”” You turn at his clear voice, full of seriousness and unsaid promises. New thoughts fell over your messy mind, Jimin’s voice still ringing in your ears as well as the hot gaze he kept on you, fixated on your weirdly sluggish posture. You were more than confused, his help however not new for you, the sudden change of demeanor was like a bucket of cold water maybe pushing you into admitting that the boy indeed had some kind of solution. “Please try to listen to me first and please try to be open minded.” He adds taking a big breath making him close his eyes for a second, only to stare at you even more firmly, nearly hiding his shaky hands. A silent nod from you lighted once again the enduring fire of his eyes.

Now you were even more curious.

“What if I get you a client?” Innocent question, firstly confusing you even more with the weird words, the realization came with your mouth opening a look of disbelief crossing your eyes for a second even if you tried to remind yourself that you situation it's not the one to be judgy.

“You do-”

“Let me finish, please?” And you could not find the power in yourself to not give in. Looking straight into his gaze you closed your mouth, still hanging from the previous schock you experienced. “I was in the same place as you some years ago, a broke student without any help or hope - and I know what you want to say, but it's not as bad as it seems. You don’t even know how much I wish that at that time I had better option, but there was none and probably won’t be if I still want to chase my dreams The job is really not that bad, people don’t know, they do not need to know - even if they wanted the community of them would not allow it cause they want only that - discretion.”

You winced, the cold brushing your cheeks even more from the chill night, moon being your only source of light shining at boy’s figure like in some kind of movie. And to be completely honest, you indeed feel like in some kind of drama, emotions oozing from both of you in waves crashing in the middle with a tension to it. You didn’t want to seem rude, your face trying to stay some kind of neutral, however you knew that Jimin saw the first pull you unconsciously did, decided to let it slip instead looking at you with even more solemnity.

Yeah you knew about his past, history he one time told you in the middle of breakdown, then seemingly crazy and full of hardship, now you started to see yourself in the boy, his place now taken by you in the most awful way.

“It’s really not that bad Y/n” He whispers, voice full of softness you were thankful about. You felt breakable, the thought of actually doing it scaring you with how probable it really is. “I’m so sorry I can't do more, but it’s the only way I can help.”

You didn’t even realize when he came so close, touching your arm with his little bigger hands clenching it. Your eyes squeezed as your hands fell to your sides lifelessly, emotions now once again leaving you a little too suddenly, the grip you always had on your life slipping from your grasp with a gasp. It was hard, facing something you worked so long for only to ruin it because of such a thing as money. It was so funny, your own younger self laughing at you probably, telling you how your choices led you to that state.

“It’s really the end huh?” You didn’t need to look to know about the sad gaze he momentarily gave you. Arm sneaking around your shoulders, your posture seemingly smaller than normally, bringing you to the warm body of the blonde boy. Not a word said, only the silence being louder than aggressive shouting.

There was no need for a better explanation, your mind was already processing the idea of selling yourself to someone, and how shocking it could be that it never crossed your mind before. You can’t say the job disgusted you, you can't say it did not leave you with a sour taste on your tongue, like something is wrong with the image of you in such an environment again.

Again.

Well that was something that did not sit right with you, running away your whole life from it, now going back to the cave of a tiger - conscious suicade.

Face plastered on the surface of the brown coat, fluffy fabric brushing your face with every breath he took. The gesture leaves you with a heavy heart, not understanding why Jimin wanted to help you so much. Was it an obligation? Did he feel like he owed you something?

You just couldn't grasp the idea why, why was he so insistent, it’s only you in the end, a friend from the same coffee shop he worked in, someone who is not important in his life, someone who he will leave when the time comes. So why?

And maybe with the next gust of wind, a quiet whisper in your ear you realized deep down, that he was the first person in your life which genuinely cared for you. However the musky scent and heavy thoughts still repeated the same question, but you knew somewhere in your mind that it’s only a matter of time when the quiet suggestion will be proven.

“It’s getting late. You should go home.” A silent nod, your head still leaning on his shoulders, too tired to move. His hands petting your hair, a quiet hum leaving his mouth while he did it, melody not familiar, dancing in the silence of the night. You sighted taking one step back, immediately feeling a cold breeze hitting you, the source of heat now gone, making you shiver in the lighter clothes. Little smile screeching on your lips after you saw his worried gaze, sitting on your figure not planning to move.

“You too.” Sticking your hands into the big pocket of your hoodie, you turned your head in the way he came nodding. None of you moved, gaze met in the middle as you tried to not show how cold you really wera, body shaking in unnatural ways wanting to move for some kind of warm up.

He did not smile, even after your own stretched into a larger one, you decided not to pry and just turn around with a silent wave, head ahead of you eyes looking in the dark depths of the street where you lived. He knew you were not alright, gaze piercing you through every layer you tried to put in a situation like this, a copy mechanism you were not that proud of. And so with the head lowered you took the first step away not minding the still lingering stare on your shoulders.

The main worry now being the cold weather and little clothes that shielded you from it, the idea of the whole conversation put somewhere on the side.

However, he and you were pretty well aware of what is going to happen the next day.

In the end it's you who soon is not even going to possess own body.

----

Sleepless nights were not new, the feeling of tiredness you could not just wipe with the piece of the fabric a familiar one, the eyes trying to stay focused on things even though they were so hard to close themself for some sweet time, just to be forcefully open. Two words were enough for you to not hide the utter ache, you so perfectly masked in the middle of the coldest night.

And so maybe it was the cold keeping you awake in the dark, the blanket not enough to warm up your lifeless limbs, or maybe the lingering touches of the blonde boy that stayed even after so many afters after the whole conversation.

You felt weak, blinking in the grey room watching the wall like it would show something incredible, the scratches on it similar to the one you did when the stress was too much, decorating pieces of your skin like an art. The night was a big blur, hours now looking at the nonexisting stuff passed with a blink of an eye only to put you in another of the memories.

Blonde hair somewhere there scrolled in the side of your mind. Oh yeah, the said boy came the next day, look on his face too hard to forget as the next wall you built was just ruined.

He looked at you from behind his eyelashes with eyes dimmed with a sort of fog. Silence being the only comfort in the moment - early morning helping with it. He knew that this time the situation did not have many options, not any without any loss.

However he came, with a mind to let you help with thinking of any other ideas to help you, the conversation from the other night forgotten after he stepped in the gloomy apartament. And it doesn’t surprise you, the look you probably carried spoke for himself.

In his hands soon layed inconspicuously looking scrap of paper, tempting with his appearance like the most loucioust sin. He read it with squinted eyes, not needing a lot of time to find out what exactly the letter applied to.

What surprised him after such information is, how really the girl hid behind such an innocent facade, the new wave of respect crashed on him with the thought how strong you really are to not ask for help. The human thing was to linger, searching for attention so long to have someone finally do everything for us.

He had money, he had it so much that he could easily help her for next month, but he knew how every proposition like that would end up.

In the end they were really similar.

“Maybe there is another way.” He cut the silence, after a while regretting the action. Eyes met somewhere in the middle and both of their gaze was meaningful enough to answer his void of hope. “Have you tried to talk with the flat owner?”

Grimace on your face once again was enough, you shook your head remembering not the best meeting with the older man. “Many times. The guy is purely business oriented, he doesn’t care about your private life but if you pay everything - which as you can see I have a problem with.”

“I know that it’s a hard topic, but what about your family. There needs to be at least one person.” You looked down, carpet under your feets still fluffy and soft under your feet, the silence embracing you both. Jimin awkwardly scratched his arm, biting his lips in the process, the topic one again making your mood even worse. “Im sorr-”

“There is no need, it doesn’t matter anyway. My family is off limits when it comes to those types of things.” You cut him off, looking from the side at the little embarrassed boy. A sigh leaves your mouth as you lean on to your old couch, ruffling your hair after. “Jimin there is really no other way. Your option is the only thing I can do, even if the idea scares me.”

He looked at you with a small smile, the memories from his past coming back to him, when it was him who was sitting at your place, maybe with a different situation, but the fear in the eyes remained the same. He sat next to you, hand catching yours latching fingers with yours, as if that small gesture was supposed to pass everything.

And maybe it was like that, however how sweet and calming the motion wouldn’t be, nothing has been solved, and your decision it's going to change your life completely.

“You start to accept it with time.” He whispers tightening the grip on your head, the sentence seemingly had a bit more to the story. You guessed he tried not only to convince you both himself too.

Idea still fresh in your mind, hard to process it actually is going to happen, eyes meeting once again with the dark ones of the boy, millions of heistations flowing in the circle of your pupils.

“What If I don’t want to accept it? Jimin, I'm going to sell myself like some kind of animal.” You started, soon seeing how every word pierced the boy, a hurt crossing his face for a while. However he himself knew how his job was not something to brag about, something that should be kept to yourself.

“First - you are not going to be a prostitute, it’s their job. Second - you are not selling yourself, your body maybe, your time - yes. This whole messed up business, which no one truly understands, it's not only based on pleasure and successful bargain. The people you are going to provide services will require more, however you too will be able to demand - and that’s the difference.” He instinctively stood up, turning his back to you to hide his face for you.

You decided not to question that, the topic probably being equally hard for him. Following his figure, you listened to every word which could calm your buzzing nerves.

“Mone-” You started trying to guess about the demand he was talking about. The cash suggests itself in your mind. The boy quickly turned back, dark eyes catching your breath in the middle.

“Respect.” He finished, taking an earlier abandoned cup of tea to his hand. You were confused, your gaze spoke for himself, the utter questions building with every quiet minute he left you with. “Do you know why so few people are able to survive in such a business, or why so few people know about it?” He asked knowing fully he won't get any answer from you. He sighted brushing his blonde hair back, a little oliy from the last day of work, he came to the other side of the room sitting on one of the smaller tables just before you.

“You will need to play a role, you will become an actress in real life without the power to question your own character. People that are directors in fact are going to be your clients, giving you the script you will need to act on. In the beginning it’s going to be hard, but with time you will understand that you can either love it or you are someone who is not suitable for such a job.”

So many questions, which only bundled up with the said words. A weird twinge in your heart, forcing you to stop thinking about it like a sweet temptation, however the beautiful words he wrapped everything with stronger. The idea seems so easy, so free and so good, too good to be true.

You looked at him, the tiredness hitting you suddenly but so many not arranged issues kept you on your toes, so with the remaining power you sighed rubbing your eyes. You decided, your last way out.

“How i'm even going to start?” The question filled him with a relife, not understanding exactly why, the thought of having someone close in the same job loaded him with unanswered happiness. He gazed back, the look making you sit more comfortable forcing your attention directly at him.

“The clients are mostly the people you least expect to. Although they are not people which can afford a whore - lame millionaires or self-proclaimed gangsters. Don’t get me wrong but if they were them they could have just bought the random first person that is willing to do everything they want, for them however the most important is discretion and loyalty.” He started, stopping for a while to take out his phone and quickly search something on it.

With one move he showed you a picture of a man, you strangely knew. Black hair, similar to the blackness of the sky so different from the boy sitting just before you and a beautiful porcelain looking skin. He looked proud, even as a imagine the frozen photo oozing of confidence and power.

You knew those people pretty well, a little too well. Too proud for their own good and too proud to admit their wrongs, making money in such a way to not get attention if they are dirty or not. Familiar contempt towards others. You tried so hard to run away just from people like that, you hoped the clients Jimin was talking about are just the little CEO’s, not that important or dangerous.

And how ironic it was that you yourself are going to willingly put yourself in such a toxic environment again, people that are more influential than politicians and authorities. Next question popping on the side, how the blonde boy survived there without any knowledge.

“I see you can guess about who i’m talking about, and It’s not your first contact with them, right?” He started, brushing his hair once again, a habit you noticed. He needed to admit that your expression put him in uneasiness, look on your face nearly scared like a child that watched horror for the first time. He didn’t want to annoy the topic, leaving it in the air with the restless tension, instead he closed his phone hiding it back into his pocket.

His eyes still on you, your mind somewhere else as the quietness of the room started to spin around. The unanswered question lingered on your tongue, kept in the end of your mouth like some kind of secret. And as you thought it’s the end, the little ping came from the pocket he put his phone into.

“Well, I don’t know If you are interested but there is someone who is willing meet.”

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dalishious · 3 years

Note

if you could create a new companio or important NPC for next game,what they would be?

I made a couple up for fun a few years ago, actually. I don’t recall ever posting...

Name: Herodes Metellus

Race: Elf, Human

Class: Mage, primal magic

Description:

Herodes is in his late-forties. The uncountable amount of freckles on his naturally tan face makes it hard to focus on the forming wrinkles. He has light brown eyes and medium-length, curly brown hair. He is very tall and chubby, posing a seemingly frightful shadow, if not for him practically being afraid of it himself.

Background:

There are few elves who can claim to be as powerful and wealthy a Magister as Herodes can. It’s a position his family has been fortunate to hold for some time. His “great-great-something grandfather” was a Laetan, and became the apprentice of one of the most powerful mages in the Magisterium. Very shortly after this, said Magister died, and left absolutely everything to the grandfather, including his seat in the Magisterium. So the will dictated, at least. There were many who opposed, but that was quickly silenced with the family’s newfound money.

Growing up among the other children of Magisters with it being public knowledge that his mother was an elf, Herodes was the victim of constant bullying.

Herodes is the only one in his Circle and the Magisterium publicly known to have a human father and elven mother. Growing up, the other children of Magisters never held back in their bullying, and once entering adulthood, that turned into the need for Herodes to always remain on his toes for the next political move from his adversaries, looking to remove his “impurity” on their social class. He was taught from a young age that there would be a never-ending hostility to his very existence, and that he had to have a mind and tongue of steel in order to keep the family’s power. Unfortunately, Herodes has never felt talented in either of those regards, and instead resorted to making himself as invisible as possible.

After the death of his father, Herodes inherited his seat in the Magisterium as well as control of the family’s wealth. When he next witnessed the abuse of a group of slaves being sold, Herodes bought them all, then promptly took them to court and had them freed. He gave them each a small coin purse and away they went. It was something he couldn’t stop thinking about, and so it became a repeated occurrence whenever he could do so without drawing too much attention.

Herodes joined the rising yet obscure Lucerni faction, looking to change Tevinter. But with so many enemies already, there is only so much he is willing to do outright. He reasons that losing his position will benefit no one, but it is a frequent argument between him and Ari that he’s really just scared for himself.

Motivations/Goals:

Herodes would like to see reform in Tevinter, but is scared of people knowing that. He is much more comfortable being “behind the scenes”, where there are less risks. His personal character arc is about finding bravery in himself, especially in regards to publicly standing up for his people and for himself.

—————

Name: Zara

Race: Elf

Class: Rogue, daggers

Description:

Zara is in her early-thirties. She has warm brown skin and black eyes with sleepless dark bruises under them. Her black hair is straight and shoulder-length, with her bangs always pulled back around her head. Zara is average height for an elf, with a slight build.

Background:

Both of Zara’s parents were enslaved, and as such she grew up never knowing anything different. When she was a young girl, she was separated from her family when sold to another Magister. She worked in his kitchens, first as a scullion, then with age, grew to be the cook’s assistant. She was taught how to read in order to understand recipe books and instructions.

When people ask Zara about the Magister, they don’t always understand that it doesn’t matter how “nice” he was to her. “Nice,” of course meaning, “not as bad as it could be.” No amount of “niceness” can make up for him owning her like property. If he was truly nice, he would have freed her.

One night, the Magister had Zara fill in as a waitress for his party. She was not treated well, much to the displeasure of one of the attendees, Herodes. He demanded she be sold to him at once. The Magister happily took his money, and Herodes took Zara, much to her fear and confusion. But as was his practice, he brought her to his house, and the next day, took her before a judge and had her freed. Zara didn’t really know what to do as a Liberati. She spent some time trying to track down her parents, but could not. So she returned to Herodes, and began working with him to help others who were formerly enslaved. They argue a fair bit, Zara insisting he should do more, Herodes insisting he can’t.

With Herodes’ anonymous investment, Zara founded the Liberati Collegium, where former slaves of all ages get together to teach one another life skills, from reading, to cooking, to self-defence. Zara herself gives reading lessons. It did not take long for people to take note of her “mockery of a Circle,” and try to shut things down. But that has yet to happen, and instead, things only continue to grow. And with the growing number of educated and working Liberati, comes a stronger voice.

Zara constantly fears the loss of her Collegium, and is so focussed on keeping it alive and thriving that she leaves no room for herself. Herodes fears that she is one spark away from her matchstick burning out, but Zara feels like the Collegium is all she has, and that she herself does not matter; only it does. She tries to fill the hole of complete lack in self-worth with her care for others.

Motivations/Goals:

Zara strongly believes in the concept that ‘knowledge equals power’, and wants Liberati to have the chance to learn the skills they need to actually sustain themselves, to not wind up back in slavery. More than that, she wants so badly for Liberati to be considered citizens. Zara cares so much for everyone else and not at all for herself, and her personal character arc is about learning that she matters too, and more than that, it’s not sacrificing her goals to invest in self-care.

#not really sure how to tag this...?#i guess in the event i ever actually want to find these chars again...#herodes metellus #zara #Anonymous #ask

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96thdayofrage · 3 years

Text

Legislators on the Public Health Committee listened to nearly 12 hours of public testimony, primarily focused on a bill to declare racism a public health crisis in the state of Connecticut. The hearing on Wednesday took up a few bills, but mainly centered on Senate Bill 1, An Act Equalizing Comprehensive Access to Mental, Behavioral and Physical Health Care in Response to the Pandemic.

The bill declares that in the state of Connecticut, racism is recognized as a public health crisis and, if passed, would establish a Truth and Reconciliation Commission to examine racial disparities in public health across state and local government.

“We know that racism is a public health crisis because whenever there is a public health crisis, it does affect racial minorities and lower-income communities greater than anyone else,” said Sen. Martin Looney, President Pro Tempore of the State Senate. “One of the most striking aspects of the pandemic is the disproportionate toll it’s taken on communities of color. These outcomes are not a result of the disease itself, but inequalities in the social determinants of health.”

The commission will study institutional racism in public health law, and attempt to quantify racial disparities in health outcomes in hospitals, long-term care facilities, and the criminal justice system. It will also examine racial disparities in access to clean environment and healthy food, and look at zoning restrictions and housing disparities. The commission will then develop legislative proposals to address these disparities, and deliver the report to the General Assembly next year.

Both the Connecticut State Medical Society and the Connecticut Hospital Association submitted testimony in support of the bill.

The Connecticut Hospital Association wrote that the organization “supports the broad-based approach set forth in this section, recognizing that, while racism is a fundamental cause of poor health, the problem requires a broad perspective that looks beyond hospitals and healthcare providers, even while recognizing that providers are essential participants in the development of solutions.”

State Rep. Whit Betts, R-Bristol, on a number of occasions asked those testifying to clarify why racism is a public health crisis.

“Something like a pandemic or mental illness, I think that clearly is a public health crisis, but I don’t understand systematic racism,” Betts said. “Clearly there is racism, clearly there are people who are not being served, but it’s not just minorities, and clearly our goal collectively should be to help everybody regardless of color, income, etc. I just don’t understand how this is a public health crisis.”

State Sen. Saud Anwar, D-South Windsor, a co-sponsor of the bill and doctor of internal medicine, said that “it’s pretty clear that we have a public health crisis with respect to the racial bias in some of the policies, and we are going to be able to help some of the communities that have been left behind, but to suggest that when we do that we are taking resources from another community was probably not accurate.”

State legislatures in Minnesota and Virginia have both declared racism a public health crisis, and here in Connecticut, town councils in 20 different municipalities, including New London, Colchester, and Hartford have also passed similar declarations.

Black and Latino residents of Connecticut are less likely to be insured than white residents, and are more likely to die before reaching adulthood, according to a report from Connecticut Voices for Children.

The bill also establishes a task force to study racial inequities in maternal mortality, which will make recommendations to eliminate racial inequities in maternal mortality. Hospitals will be required to provide implicit bias training to staff members who interact with pregnant women. The legislation also directs the state’s Commissioner of Public Health to increase outreach in an effort to improve early detection of breast cancer among young women of color. Nationally, Black mothers die at three to four times the rate of white mothers, according to the CDC.

Katharine Morris, a graduate student of public policy at the University of Connecticut, shared her mother’s experience of feeling ignored by healthcare professionals when she was giving birth. State Sen. Heather Somers, R-Groton, asked what about that experience was specific to her racial background.

“Groton is pretty diverse, we have people from all over, all different backgrounds, and it’s been interesting to talk to them about the bias in healthcare,” Somers said. “Some of the comments that I’ve gotten, regardless of what your skin color is or what your background is, sometimes the maternity nurses are just not nice. Was the experience feeling dismissed, or not listened to? Because I’m hearing that consistently across all different races.”

Morris shared that her mother, a Jamaican immigrant, specifically felt dismissed by white doctors, and had a much better experience when treated by a Jamaican healthcare provider.

“I lived in Ansonia and Trumbull before moving to Bridgeport, from this I learned how my zip code could dictate my health and my quality of life,” Morris said. “Not only did my education suffer, my access to healthy food, clean air, unpolluted nature, and opportunities suffered as well. Where there are more people who look like me, I have a lower chance of living a healthy and prosperous life. This is not caused by the character of the city or my fellow residents, but rather the oppression we endure due to the color of our skin.”

Rep. Lezlye Zupkus, R-Cheshire, questioned whether the government had any power to legislate away racism.

“I cannot write a bill to say love one another, love your children, love your family, be a better family unit, we can’t legislate those things,” Zupkus said. “I would love to write a law that we all love our children and take care of our kids and have better family units and all of those things, it just won’t happen. We legislate the speed limit, and who drives 55?”

State Sen. Marilyn Moore, D-Trumbull responded that while “you can’t legislate love, you can start to acknowledge that there is a problem and you are willing to deal with it.”

For Weruche George, a member of the Hamden Human Rights and Relations Commission, the declaration on its own was still meaningful, even if legislators cannot force individuals not to be racist.

“This declaration will spur Connecticut to recognize racism as the public health crisis it is, and address the problem by changing the way our state government works and embedding anti-racist principles in decision-making processes,” George testified. “Systemic racism is a social determinant of health itself, and also produces inequities, from disproportionately high Black maternity and infant death rates, inequities in cancer, asthma, heart and lung diseases, to police brutality, environmental racism and unequal access to healthcare.”

According to Tekisha Everette, executive director of Health Equity Solutions, quantifying disparities across the state is a vital first step to making meaningful change.

“The cumulative impact of these barriers to health is invisible unless we evaluate and seek to address health disparities,” Everette said. “We cannot address a problem we are unwilling to acknowledge.”

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totally-incorrect-theatre-quotes · 4 years

Text

After the Rain (fanfic)

Emily

By popular demand and my own impulsiveness here is Emily’s chapter. Just a fair warning that this fic overs most of Lydia’s childhood and peeks into her adulthood. At times it gets to be very OOC and refers to the canon within the mini-universe that is my fanfiction collection. Also don’t @me for making my OC Wendy end game haha.

Emily is a wonderful mother, this fanfic proves it, but uh...grab your tissues this is going to get sad at times

TW: Cancer, mentions of death, suicide mentioned, grief, bullying

____________________________________________________________

Emily knew. Lydia was about four or five years old when Emily got the first indication from a conversation lost to Lydia’s memory. The two of them were walking to the bodega down the street when they ran into the couple that lived in the other half of their duplex, they were a really nice couple with two children, including a son named David who was Lydia’s age and a new baby on the way. From conversation over the years, Emily had learned that the two of them had been together for almost ten years now and though they weren’t legally married they did everything a married couple would. She and Charles hosted them for dinner before while their kids had a playdate, Sara was a lawyer from an environmental company and Jessica was an accountant who got along famously with Emily’s real estate agent husband. Being only three at the time Lydia didn’t even notice anything about the situation, she just knew that the little boy from next door was a worth hide and seek opponent.

It had rained that afternoon so Lydia was preoccupied jumping up and down in every rain puddle she came across, her yellow rain jacket making her look like a little duck as she hopped down the street. Sara and Jessica must have gone down to the store and gotten caught in the storm because their hair was soaked as they walked up the street. Emily invited them over for game night that evening and the three of them started talking. Lydia paid no attention to the grown-up talk until she saw the two women hold each other’s hands, and the one lady kissing the other’s as they made a joke. She stared at them for a second and was disrupted when her mom bid them farewell and held onto Lydia’s hand once more and started walking towards the shops again.

“Mama how come they hold hands like you and daddy?”

Emily smiled gently at her curious but blunt daughter, “Because they love each other like me and daddy do. That’s why David has two mommies.”

Lydia’s eyes widened, “There can be two mommies?”

“There are lots of kinds of family’s sweetie. Sometimes it’s a mommy and a daddy, sometimes it’s two mommies or two daddies, sometimes it’s just one.”

“Are they married?”

Not wanting to discuss the long and complex history of trying to get marriage equality to a kindergartener Emily told her they were. The look on her face when she told her that was as if a light bulb had lit up in her tiny head. Very matter of factly Lydia looked up, smiled widely at Emily, her smile missing a few teeth that had become the property of the tooth fairy, and announced, “I want to marry a girl too!”

“That’s okay with me,” Emily chuckled unsure if anything would ever come of the conversation or if it would be another one of the musings of a child like how last week Lydia wanted to be a bird. Emily couldn’t tell the future, but no matter how it went she knew she’d love Lydia no matter what. Emily slightly hoped that the couple next door would be there while Lydia was growing up so that if she was, Lydia would never have to grow up thinking it was something abnormal. Unfortunately the next year Jessica had been offered a lucrative position in California and the whole family moved away, within a few months Lydia had almost completely forgotten about the family next door and they were instead replaced with an equally nice elderly couple that Lydia would always associate to be her childhood neighbors.

Lydia was a little older the second time Emily thought she knew. She was in the third grade making valentines for the Valentine’s Day party in school the next day, most the kids in her class would be receiving a paper card with a lollipop taped to it and a quick, messy scribble that was supposed to resemble Lydia’s signature. Only one card was neat looking, it was also the one on the packaging that Lydia had said was her favorite. It was a cartoon cat holding a heart that said: “Be my meowentine” and Lydia signed her name with her I dotted with a heart. Curious as to who this prized valentine was going to Emily glanced down at the name and didn’t recognize it from the mental list of kids Lydia was friends with. It was addressed to a girl named Chloe. Even the cards for the kids she was friends with didn’t look as nice as this one. Emily wondered if this new girl was suddenly Lydia’s best friend or if possibly Lydia had her first crush. Not wanting to embarrass her daughter she didn’t ask, but she could see the next day the disappointment in Lydia’s eyes when the card she didn’t even get a card from Chloe.

Lydia was ten years old when gay marriage was legalized in the United States. She was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast with her parents when they all heard it on the morning news. Nobody really had a strong reaction. Charles said something along the lines of how it was about time it was made legal and Emily thought back to that lovely couple that lived next door to them in the years past, wondering if they were celebrating the great news, not that they were never a family but now it was official. The life they had been living was now accepted by a majority of the country. Emily looked over to an obvious Lydia and was thrilled that her daughter was allowed to grow up in a time where love is love. Relieved that if Lydia was she wouldn’t have to hide it, and if she wasn’t that she could be an ally and appreciate the beautiful and diverse world they had to pleasure to live in.

Ever since she had started middle school Lydia had become really insecure and self-conscious, it was a hard change to see in her previously confident daughter. She was painfully aware of how cruel kids could be at that age. It’s such a confusing time in life that people often take their inner anguish out on other people. It doesn’t make it right but that’s a fact of adolescence. She wished she could give Lydia a skip button and just let her fast forward through the awkward years of middle school but she couldn’t. Lydia came home from school the one day musing about how pretty the one girl in her class was dressed, how nice her smile was, how smart and funny she was, always making jokes when the teacher wasn’t listening. Charles, a well-meaning, but not intuned to the more sensitive topics in life simply gave Lydia a pitiful look and told her, “Aw honey you’re beautiful too, you don’t have to compare yourself to them.”

It was very possible that that was what Lydia was doing but the way she talked about the girl reminded her of herself at that age when she had a crush on the boy who sat in front of her in English class. Lydia didn’t say anything more on the matter, simply thanking her father for the compliment and finishing her dinner quickly. Emily gave Charles a stern look but it was clear that he didn’t know what he did to upset her, to be fair Emily didn’t know if that was what had upset Lydia either, she hoped that if what she thought was true was true that she would have established enough trust that Lydia would feel comfortable telling her.

She didn’t make a habit of snooping on the things in Lydia’s room but one night when she was putting away laundry one of Lydia’s dresses had accidentally been washed with Charles’ shirts. Lydia was off to school that day and when Emily went into her room her laptop was still open and turned on, resting on her desk. She walked past and couldn’t help but notice the title of one of the tabs open. The Kinsey Scale Test. She didn’t click on the tab to see the results, those tests only tell you what you want to hear but it was confirmation that Lydia was indeed questioning it. Respectfully she didn’t bring it up, knowing that if she was ready she would bring it up herself.

Emily didn’t want to leave. She wasn’t ready to die, she didn’t want to lose Charles or leave Lydia alone but it wasn’t like she had a choice in the matter. The cancer had metastasized to her spinal cord and she had a three percent chance to live the next six months. She wasn’t scared of dying, she wasn’t particularly religious, she didn’t care what happened next, but she was so afraid of what this would do to Lydia. She was so young, she needed a mother still. There was so much of her daughter’s life she was going to miss. She was never going to get to see Lydia start high school, or take her to buy a dress for her first dance, or help her work through her first broken heart. She’ll never get to see Lydia find what she’s passionate about, she’ll never help Lydia fill out college applications or watch her open acceptance letters. She’ll never see Lydia graduate and go to college, she won’t have to hold back tears when her baby girl moves out. She won’t get to meet the people Lydia wants to share her life with, or meet the person she marries, or the children she has if she wants then. She’s going to miss everything that happened in her daughter’s life and there was nothing she could do about it. All Emily ever wanted was for Lydia to be happy and to have a good life and now she’ll never get to know how it all turns out.

She wanted so badly to focus on the now, she was still here right now and Lydia needed her but she couldn’t help but to get lost reminiscing on the past or lamenting on a future she’ll never have. Over the weeks and months leading up to the end, she couldn’t even leave the hospital, it was nothing but the same four white walls as they tried to treat the cancer just trying to give her more time. Charles and Lydia kept her company when they could but Emily could tell when it was all becoming too much for the fourteen-year-old. She had to deal with all of this on top of all the other things going on in the life of an eighth-grader. She didn’t go to school much during the last month, she was given extensions on all her work and told to just focus on family and though Lydia desperately wanted to be there all the time Emily and Charles would insist that she would sleep at home and spend at least one day a week being with kids her age. She knew Lydia was still being bullied, most people pulled back knowing about the whole cancer situation but some kids just used that even more. Emily frequently caved when Lydia would stall going home, insisting that she wasn’t tired but twenty minutes later she would be peacefully sleeping curled up on a hospital chair or snuggled up like a kitten at the foot of Emily’s bed. She didn’t know how many more nights she would get with Lydia, and even though she was fourteen Emily relished in the nights when her daughter would fall asleep in her embrace, all the stress and worry melting from her face as she slept. Emily’s thoughts drifting from memory to memory of Lydia growing up, and though she was so grown-up she could still see that little baby she cradled all those years ago. The toddler that would terrorize the house during the day but look like an angel in her crib. The little girl who would run off the school bus after school and play all night until she fell asleep in the crook of Emily’s arm when reading a bedtime story, using all the funny voices that made Lydia giggle. She wondered where all the years had gone, and when Lydia had grown up.

There was something on Lydia’s mind, she could tell. She could see it in her eyes but she didn’t know what. There was so much going on in her life that it could have been anything, but whatever it was it was conflicting Lydia. It was a very noticeable change in her demeanor. She avoided certain topics, she got defensive when a well-meaning nurse mused about how any boy would be lucky to date her. Lydia was sitting with her in the hospital bed watching some sappy soap-opera on the hospital television, and when a lesbian couple kissed on-screen Lydia trained her eyes down on the floor, not like she was disgusted but like she was ashamed.

Every once and a while she would go to talk but stop herself as if she was doubting what she wanted to say. Emily tried to assure her they could talk about anything but Lydia would just change the subject saying it wasn’t important. What was important to her was being there. Everyone was aware when the end was coming, they knew it would be soon but they didn’t know exactly when it was going to happen. The third week of December Emily took a turn for the worse, she was rushed into the intensive care unit and Charles was told to bring the family to say their goodbyes.

She died on the Eighteenth of December. A day that forever would invoke nothing but grief and heartache in Lydia. A puzzle that would never be fully complete no matter how many pieces she added because something would always be missing. It had taken her a long time to be okay. It had literally taken her a demon and a near-death experience to give her a new lease on life and while she still missed her mother very dearly every day, she was able to go on with her life. Something that she had almost cut short twice because she was so blind with grief and hurt. She learned to be more comfortable with herself. Slowly she had told people the truth, beginning by telling herself the truth as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Telling her father had been hard but she felt stronger once she had, like she wasn’t so alone anymore. She had a variety of coming out stories from accidentally telling Delia, to the tearfully and serious conversation with the Maitlands, to the very casual statement told to Beetlejuice. She felt loved and supported, though she was still bullied and she had her heart broken she rebounded quickly. She met a girl she liked and after a while, she was proud to call Wendy her girlfriend. She was welcomed into the Blackwood family with open arms, and over time they two of them just got closer. The summer before her sophomore year the whole family took a trip to New York and went to Lydia’s first pride parade. She knew her community was large but she couldn’t help but to gasp in awe of just how many people there were like her, proud to be who they were. While the crowd could be overwhelming at times Lydia would always think fondly of the memory, and no matter how many parades she went to afterward that one would always be her favorite.

There were hard times too. Every December was hard for Lydia, she would retreat into herself and unintentionally push people away. It took her time to learn to let people in and be there for her and she learned how to be there better for him. There were plenty of times where Lydia wished her mother had been there. In her junior year, she and Wendy had broken up. They had a silly argument that neither of them remembered but it lead to them being broken up for almost half a year before Lydia realized she didn’t want to lose her and asked her to prom. During first few weeks of the break-up, she wanted nothing more than to have her mother by her side eating ice cream and talking about their feelings. Barbara, Delia, and Beetlejuice were more than willing to fill the role, she appreciated it but it wasn’t the same. She had her father save a seat for Emily at her graduation and she blew a kiss to the empty seat when she received her diploma. Lydia kept up with therapy over the years, going less frequently but she still touched base at least once a month but she learned skills to cope better. A task that once seemed impossible was now one of her favorite coping mechanisms, in the drawer of her dorm desk was a shoebox filled with letters for her mom that she had written whenever she needed to get something off her chest. Some were emotional and hard for her to write, others were her sharing good news, a once and a while some would simply be what she did that day. She never knew what to do with them, she knew nobody would ever read them but she couldn’t bring herself to throw them away.

She beat herself up a lot about how she had never had to courage to tell her mother she was gay before she died. She knew her mom would have been accepting but at fourteen she wasn’t sure of anything anymore. There was so much happening during that time of her life that the lowest priority was coming out. She kept it a secret and it was a regret of her that haunted her for years. She would eventually come to terms with it and the fact that she couldn’t change the past.

Years and years had passed. She was now all grown up, buying a house in Connecticut with Wendy right next door to the place she called her home from the time she was fifteen. She had built a life for herself that she was proud of. Her unconventional family was a beautiful and chaotic mess and she added to the chaos by marrying Wendy and adding two children to their family. They adopted a two-year-old boy that, much to the dismay of Beetlejuice, came with the name Lawrence and they welcome a baby girl that Wendy and Lydia unanimously decided to name Emma. Lydia was never shy about telling her kids about her family, they were aware from a very young age that their one grandma was in the Netherworld and though they had a lot of questions about everyone else in the family their normal included Charles, Delia, Wendy’s parents and brothers, their Uncle BJ and the ghost-grandparents who nearly bawled when the met the kids for the first time. Their unique family definitely earned some concerned questions when Lawrence and Emma’s pre-school drawings included two ghosts and a demon.

The children were six and four when Lydia finally thought they were ready. They packed up the car for the trip and drove an hour and a half back to New York City. They planned to do some sightseeing while they were there but most of their trip was welcomed with rain and thunderstorms. On the last day of the trip, they got the kids dressed, Lawrence in a red raincoat and Emma in a yellow polka-dot raincoat that made her look like a little duck when she jumped up and down in the puddles as they walked on the sidewalk. They arrived a the cemetery, Lydia’s memory drifting back to a dark time in her life where she felt so invisible and alone. She held tightly onto Wendy and her kids as they walked over to the spot. A grey colored tombstone with the words etched: “Emily Deetz. Devoted wife to Charles, Beloved mother to Lydia.”

Lydia gently placed a bouquet of red roses on top of the tombstone while she held back a tear. The rain had stopped before they got out of the car and the sun was peeking out from behind the trees illuminating the field in a golden-orange glow. Looking up at the sky Lydia pointed to her kids the rainbow in the distance. She took in a shaky breath, she had been waiting years to finally tell her. She thought she’d be more nervous, more emotional but she kissed the back of Wendy’s hand and said, “Hey mom, there are some people I want you to meet.”

#lydia deetz #delia deetz #adam maitland #barbara maitland #charles deetz #lawrence beetlejuice shoggoth #emily deetz #beetlejuice #incorrect beetlejuice quotes #beetlegeuse #beetlejuice the musical #beetlejuice fanfic #beetlejuice fanfiction

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1055

surveys by lets-make-surveys

1 - Surveys aside, do you use Tumblr for any other reason? Not anymore. I used to have a main blog, but it’s been years since I opened it; this is it (excuse the bad word in the URL lol, I thought it made me look like an edgy teen) but as I got older I used it less and less frequently until I no longer remember the password to log back in. These days I stay on Tumblr precisely because no one really uses it anymore, so it’s the perfect spot to hide this blog in.

2 - Do you have a lot of social media accounts? Do you update them all regularly? Depends on what you mean by a lot; I have all the basic ones - Twitter, IG, Facebook, YouTube, hell I still even have my Snapchat alive lol but I haven’t used it in like three years. I use YouTube the most but I don’t update it per se, like I just use it to watch videos. Facebook I’ve used a lot less often since the breakup, but I’ve shared a handful of posts since September. I’m probably on Twitter the most, but even then my usage hasn’t been the same.

3 - Does it bother you when your socks don’t match? What about your underwear? I don’t care for either situation, especially for underwear. Why would I care about something no one is ever going to see and even think about?

4 - How many times a year do you go on vacation? Do you tend to go to the same places each time? My family plans at least two trips, at least in non-Covid circumstances. We will sometimes repeat provinces but we never repeat hotels or sites, and we seldom repeat cities. The only places I remember visiting more than once are Baguio, Tagaytay, Albay, Subic, and Baler.

5 - How many times did it take you to pass your driving test? Just one. I could not afford to fuck it up; I was at the LTO for 8 hours and was not willing to go through that shitty long wait, so I absolutely had to pass that exam and do my best with the shitty car I had to work with.

6 - When you’re in trouble, do your parents ever “middle name” you? Nah they never used my whole name. My mom’s trademark is to add an -ah sound to my name when I’ve done something wrong though, as in Robina lol. That’s a sign I should know I shouldn’t have done what I did, whatever it is.

7 - Which family member do you look like the most? Which one do you resemble the most in terms of personality? People are always shocked to hear my mom is actually my mom and not my sister, because 1) we look very much alike, and 2) she looks young for her age. As for my personality, I’d say I’m a perfect split of my mom and dad. I exhibit an equal amount of traits they both have and I can’t tell which one I act like more.

8 - Have you ever been arrested? Never.

9 - Do you prefer Apple or Android? Apple. Would rather pay more than be stuck with an interface, camera, and emojis that I personally don’t like.

10 - Does getting sweaty or dirty bother you at all? If so, has it ever put you off doing exercise? I don’t sweat a lot, so I really do hate it when I feel beads of sweat on my temples or when the back of my shirt starts to feel damp. It doesn’t have anything to do with my feelings about exercising; I don’t like working out, period.

11 - Have you ever broken a bone? What were the circumstances that led to this happening? Never happened, hope it never happens.

12 - If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be? I wish I didn’t get the hairy gene so that I didn’t have to shave too much; my hair to be a little livelier and bouncier; and my front teeth to be straighter.

13 - When was the last time your computer crashed or froze? is this something that happens often? It must’ve been around a month ago. It just got too busy, so it froze for a few seconds. My laptop’s a trooper and doesn’t crash/freeze a lot.

14 - Do you ever have problems with your sleep? It’s mid-sleep I’ve been having issues with; I get nightmares almost every night. I don’t have a problem falling asleep as I’m able to do so pretty quickly.

15 - What was the last thing you ate for breakfast? Is this a normal breakfast meal for you? Angel sent over a small box of chocolate chip cookies as a Christmas gift so I’ve been enjoying that :) I’m currently having it with warm coffee. My normal breakfast is no breakfast, so this is a treat for me. Before this I also had to eat my leftover Chapaghetti that I couldn’t finish last night.

16 - Have you ever thought about how you want to spend your retirement? That has not come to mind a lot, actually. I think more about death than I do my retirement...but this question tells me I should probably take a few steps back. I’d simply love to live in comfort with the person I end up growing old with. For now, that’s all I see myself wanting.

17 - When was the last time you got a new tattoo or piercing? Do you have any plans to get either in the future? A little less than 22 years ago; my mom had my ears pierced when I was a few months old. Haven’t gotten any new ones, nor tattoos, since. I’d love to have a couple of tattoos. Some of my ideas are two pawprints for each of my dogs, a plate of nachos, and lyrics that are personally meaningful.

18 - How would you describe your personality? Oof, what a loaded question. Hmm, I guess I’d generally label myself as hardened until I get close with someone? I’ve always kept a wall up and as friendly and extroverted as I can be, I don’t enjoy letting just anyone in. I value my personal and private space, and it’s important that I don’t lose it.

From another angle, I also like to keep doing nice things for other people, even at the expense of my own happiness and comfort. I have to keep making people happy to keep me pleased with myself and the world. Maybe it’s rooted in the fact that I’m the eldest daughter in an Asian family? Idrk, but all I know is that I’ve never had a problem putting other people first.

19 - Have you ever heard of “hygge”? is this something you enjoy or participate in at all? I have no idea what this is and I’ve never come across this word before.

20 - What colour was the last vehicle you travelled in? Does this vehicle belong to you or someone else? White. It’s the car that was given to me for college, but when all is said and done it’s not mine.

21 - Would you describe yourself as healthy? Why or why not? In some senses yes, in other senses no. I don’t exercise or actively watch my diet, and I certainly eat too much junk; so proactively speaking, I’m not super healthy. But generally, my gene pool has been pretty fortunate with health. Other than heart conditions that run in certain branches of the family, we’re relatively a healthy bunch.

22 - Would you describe yourself as messy or organised? Is this something you would like to change? It’s a balance of both. I’m very organized at work so I allow myself to let go in my personal space, like my closet and car. I do clean up from time to time and I still like my space to be neat, but I’m not as neurotic as I normally would be with my workspace.

23 - Do you miss anything about being a teenager? If you are a teenager, what’s your favourite thing about it? The innocence. It was a period of being ideal, being a dreamer, being as romantic about life as I wanted to be. It was also a period where you were allowed to make mistakes, because fucking up when you’re younger lets you off the hook. These are the biggest things I miss, but I don’t really find myself pining for my teenage days. I still like where I am, even if things are realistically a little duller in adulthood.

24 - Are you patriotic at all? Why/why not? No. It’s hard to be when your country is shit.

25 - Have you ever had to wear a white lab coat before? Was this in school or for a job? Yeah we had lab coats in Lab class in high school, but they were green. We also needed safety goggles, and if I remember correctly if we had neither of these things we had to sit outside and skip out on the session.

26 - Would you ever want to do the same career(s) as your parents? I can see myself going down somewhere in the secretarial path like my mom as I’m good at organizing things and keeping internal affairs in order, but I don’t know if I would find it fulfilling. But in general, I wouldn’t want to be in the hotel and restaurant industry. I don’t have any attachments to it and I’ve always felt like I belonged in media and communications.

27 - Do you believe in aliens? Is there a reason why (or why not)? Yes. For the most part, it’s more comforting to think and believe that we’re not the only beings around.

28 - Which animated film would you most like to live in? Does it have to be a film? I’d love to be in the Fairly OddParents universe and have fairy godparents of my own.

29 - When was the last time you got into an argument? Have you made up with that person yet? Gab. I don’t know. She’s ignoring me.

30 - What are you going to do now this survey is over? Take another one.

1 - Have you ever had your computer or e-mail hacked? Did anything bad happen as a result? No but I had bad viruses on all of my Windows laptops before. The worst virus I got involved my laptop typing out some long-ass Vietnamese paragraphs for me at the most random times. It was like a horror movie lmao. Every time I Googled the text I never got any leads from it, so I never knew what it meant or what the virus was.

2 - Do you prefer the company of people or animals? I don’t really have a preference when it comes to these two because their companionships are individually different. I like that animals can be playful and sweet; but I also like cracking jokes and having meaningful conversations with people.

3 - Are you a religious person? Were you raised in that faith or did you discover it a later date in life? I was born and raised Catholic, and still legally am. I never saw the appeal of the idea of being saved or of reading the Bible or anything that has to do with Christianity; and the idea of praying was weird to me even from childhood. A lot of Christians/Catholics I know are hypocrites anyway, and to me that says a lot about their mindset when it comes to religion.

4 - When was the last time you went to the beach? What did you do there? August 2019. My friends and I had a day trip to Nasugbu so we could have some fun before the semester started; we mostly swam and caught up with one another. August is a low season so we literally had the beach, the pool, and the poolside bar to ourselves.

5 - With all the COVID restrictions in place, would you feel happy/comfortable travelling abroad right now? Why/why not? I’d be happy, but not comfortable because of the swab test I would have to take hahaha. The selfish part of me is itching to go to other places already. I know my parents would put a million roadblocks to keep me from getting on a plane though, so me traveling is purely theoretical.

6 - How would you describe your dress sense? I like wearing flattering pieces but nothing too flashy or bright. I get items that are currently in style and make sure they match with the rest of my wardrobe, but at the end of the day I still like to blend in with the crowd and avoid neon colors, flashy labels, or whatever it is that would make me stand out.

7 - Do you wait until the sales start before you buy non-essential items? I never really pay attention to sales. It’s led to some pleasant surprises, like the other day when I was looking for a gift for my aunt. There was an H&M purse that caught my eye and it was so pretty, but way above my budget. I decided to get it anyway because that aunt throws amazing Christmas parties over the years and gives us lots of money, so I thought it could would be my way of giving back (especially since her company got hit hard by Covid). Once I got to the cashier the register showed it was like 60% off, even though there were no stickers on it and there was zero promotion anywhere in the store.

8 - What kind of milk do you prefer to drink (if you drink it at all)? I don’t drink milk, but I’m able to consume it in other dishes. I haven’t tried any types other than whole milk.

9 - Do you prefer blonde hair or brunette hair on your preferred sex? I don’t have preferences when it comes to hair color. We’re not really conditioned to consider this factor, since Filipinos have black hair.

10 - Would you be embarrassed to own the same clothing as one of your parents? No. I borrow stuff from my mom all the time. My sister also borrows some of my dad’s t-shirts, at least the ones that can fit her.

11 - When was the last time you wore some kind of fancy dress? Like...a gown? I’m not too sure. It must’ve been Alena’s debut three years ago since that’s the last fancy party I went to.

12 - Do you enjoy dressing up (ie. in suits or smart clothing)? When was the last time you did so? I like dressing up and making myself look cute, but dressing up formally not so much.

13 - What’s worse - being overdressed or underdressed? Personally, underdressed. I’d rather look too prepared than looking as if I didn’t care to look decent for whatever event I’m headed to.

14 - What do you think would be the worst thing about being stuck in solitary confinement? Not having any options or activities to do.

15 - Have you ever owned an unusual or exotic pet? Would you want to? Nope. I would not want to have one. Unusual pet is just a euphemism for animals that shouldn’t be pets.

16 - How old were you when you learned to tie your shoelaces? I was 5 and had to learn it for a test in kindergarten.

17 - Do you enjoy decorating for the holidays? Sure, it makes me feel festive :)

18 - Would you rather go into a restaurant or just go via the drive-through? These days it’s more wise to use the drive-thru, but to be frank I’ve missed dining in. I would opt for the restaurant but make sure to follow safety protocols in the area.

19 - Do you like having your teeth cleaned at the dentist? I’ve actually always found trips to the dentist soothing, even as a kid. The only time I ever really freaked out was when I went last year to have a tooth removed and I was told that I needed an anaesthesia shot on my gums; even then, I didn’t even feel anything when it finally happened.

20 - Have you ever had a gun drawn on you before? Maybe? My cousins and friends and I doodled on each other a lot as kids.

21 - When was the last time you went to a petting zoo? I’ve never been to one and idk if I can go to one.

22 - Do you bite your nails? Could you physically bite your toenails if you stretched enough? Sometimes I’ll gnaw at my nails and then scrape them off. I’ve found it more satisfying than biting them all the way off. I could definitely bite my toenails, but I choose not to.

23 - How old were you when you first started using Tumblr? Have you had the same blog all that time? It wasssssss 2010, so I was 11 at the time. Nah, I deactivated that blog only after a year of using it and then I shifted to a wrestling blog.

24 - Are you a fan of practical jokes? If I’m watching celebrities pull it on another celebrities, yeah. Most of the time I get anxious that the recipient would react negatively, so I don’t watch a lot of pranks.

25 - How many years older and younger than you would you consider dating? Is this a concrete thing or would you make an exception for the right person? It will still depend on the latter condition, of course; but theoretically I would like to keep seeing people my exact age. No more and no less than the year 1998. Growing up with relatives in such close age to me makes me feel like I’d be dating an older cousin if it was someone a year older, and my sister if it was someone a year younger.

26 - Who did you vote for in the last US elections? If you’re not in the US, who would you have voted for? I don’t live in the US; I would have voted for Biden.

27 - Are you a fan of reddit? What are some of your favourite subreddits? Sure. I don’t visit it as much as I used to, but I still go on there when I’m bored and in need of entertaining or educational content. r/AskReddit is a classic fave of mine, but I also go on r/interestingasfuck, r/todayilearned, r/mildlyinteresting, r/dataisbeautiful, r/SquaredCircle, and r/goodmythicalmorning. Sometimes I’ll visit the r/AmItheAsshole sub as well to have some fun lol.

28 - Have you ever watched those YouTube videos of people popping their own spots or zits? Do you find them gross or fascinating? Not those, but I’ve looked up earwax extractions and blackhead removals before.

29 - What’s a food you hated as a kid but love now? How about vice versa? Chicken curry is probably my best example because I’m obsessed with all kinds of curry now, whether it’s Indian butter chicken, Thai green curry, or Japanese curry. I didn’t understand the complex flavors as a kid, but I’m got to appreciate more and more as I got older.

30 - Do you prefer socks, shoes or going bare foot? Idk, I feel like all these choices are useful and convenient in their own different situations? I’m barefoot when I’m at home but put on socks when it’s chilly, and I wear shoes when I’m outdoors.

#survey #surveys

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ourcollectivefantasy · 4 years

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Honkin' OC Asks: #3 for A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and L!

A3. Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it?

Iloam is a pandora’s box of issues. Boy is broken to the max! He’s got PTSD from childhood trauma (all 3 types), multiple rape scenarios as a young adult, and at least two instances of being captured/held prisoner and suffering Stockholm Syndrome. He’s developed OCD as an anxiety disorder that feeds into his Anorexia-Nervosa, which appeared in his teens and hasn’t gone away. He has body dysmorphia pretty bad and is vaguely on the spectrum of gender questioning. He has mild synesthesia and trouble processing and vocalizing his emotions - mainly because he’s been sociopathic since birth. Most of that is invisible, but that’s VERY visible to the outside world is his struggles with addiction and substance dependence (mainly hard drugs and alcohol). He’s also wrestled with an “addiction” to killing but has been in remission for a little over a decade.

B3. Under what situations would they get angry at servers, staff, customer service, et cetera?

Pressuring him to eat or questioning why he’s not eating and making a big deal out of it would be a pretty big hot button for him. He might try to deflect originally but if the person continues to circle back to it or insist, he can snap and get rude real fast.

C3. Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own?

Yes. Iloam doesn’t voice them in public, but he does have strong opinions about social stratas, sexuality, religion, child rearing, etc. He’s not strongly political - but is strongly neutral and believes the factions should be disassembled. It can really grate on his nerves to be around people who loudly voice different opinions, as he prefers to bite his tongue. But for long periods that’s difficult. So he surrounds himself with people of similar views so it’s less stressful.

D3. How comfortable are they with the idea of death?

Surprisingly, not very anymore! Iloam has actually died four times and been resurrected. Once was by his mother’s doing, twice he was murdered (by the same person, lol), and last time was for a strategy. At this point he’s well experienced with death and knows exactly where he’s going when he finally dies. He has said more than once now that the next time he dies, if the Spirit Healer asks him, he does not want to return. This is an on-going argument with him and Aelberyn, as she has equally stated she will not let that happen and will resurrect him.

E3. How many languages do they speak?

Five. He speaks his native tongue (Gypsy), Common, Dwarven, Thalassian, and Orcish Common.

F3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?

Iloam spent his childhood living in a vardo wagon, a lot of his teens/early adulthood homeless, and then 200 years on a tall ship. He can live anywhere if he absolutely has to. He would not choose a tiny home, though. He’s very tall and it would certainly be uncomfortable.

G3. Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not?

Most of the time. There are some topics he doesn’t bring up, though. Example: He doesn’t talk about his anorexia or his body dysmorphia, as he doesn’t feel they understand where he’s coming from and try to force him to eat. He still tries to hide this from them or deflect the topic.

H3. Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right?

I’m not sure what the difference between “multiple ideal” and “many people who could be right” is. Sounds like the same thing. And that is what he’d say. Iloam is deeply in love with several people and doesn’t view love as a limited resource.

I3. Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances?

No, he is not. He would actually say he’s a big fan of venison and fish.

J3. How politically active are they?

By his own volition, not at all. In the past, he’s been hired for many political or politically motivated assassinations.

K3. Does your OC have any friends who know about their PA? Any enemies?

Most of his found-family know about his stealth ability. Only Kharris, Aelberyn & Jericho have a hard-confirmation (i.e. from his own mouth) about his past and skills as an assassin. It’s something he keeps very, very close to the chest. He will often say he spent 200 years in pirating, but seems to always leave off the 180 “missing” years after that ;)

L3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you?

I created Iloam to be wildly outside my wheelhouse (a villain) and very unlike me. I wanted to explore dark themes and some really “problematic” personality types that I wasn’t seeing a lot of (serial killer, sociopath, abusive, hot headed). At the time, I felt like most people were RPing heroes, nice people, and “tea party RP” was reeeeeeally popular. As he grew, I used him to explore some topics close to me that I was only comfortable writing about, but not voicing/talking about in my real life.

Since his early days, Iloam has changed A LOT. He’s practically not even a villain anymore. I’d say he’s more chaotic neutral and attempting to be lawful neutral for the good of his loved ones.

We are very different. I am definitely lawful good, strictly monogamous, and kindness to everyone is very important to me. That said I’m also a huge doormat, oversensitive, and suffer depression and anxiety. Iloam is none of those things. He doesn’t care what people who aren’t his loved ones think of him and he’s confident in himself.

Phew! Thanks @twosidedsana

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mr-kamiyama · 4 years

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Quick thoughts about Digimon:

I tuned in one morning I wasn't working, which was rare at that job I was at at the time, caught 02 ep 10, and was hooked. I later realised the writer of all the Dark Ocean content was Konaka Chiaki, whose work I generally like, so no surprise there.

I gotta say, they probably should've just gone with 「相棒」 for partner. This word is usually a partner in context of a business partner or police partner--in fact, a show called just that has been running for the entire 21st century about detective partners (and it's a pretty good show. I've seen it be sympathetic to the plight of undocumented immigrants, for one)

Using "partner" the English loanword...well, the context I really hear it in is same-gender partner.

Now, mind you, I only figured things out as an adult, and native Japanese speakers here are and always have been treated pretty miserably. (Which is why "exotic Japanese garnish for my human default English" is very, very much rubbing your priveledge in our faces, incredibly offensive, but hey, y'all also repost Japanese fanworks without permission to the point many delete their accounts and give up because y'all are so married to the idea we're not people, which frankly, y'all's treatment of queer men in fandom is equally garbage)

But the reason that point is mentioned is that we're so sidelined, it's hard to even find and connect with each other (e.g. SF Japantown only has Japanese speaking clerks on one floor of Kinokuniya where the books in Japanese for us are kept. It's now "look Asian for the tourists") so a lot of us end up having trouble accessing random words in our own language because we're so used to either no one around us speaking it or bad consequences when we break our English with Japanese.

So, as I've never experienced queer life in Japan, and Japanese immigrants commonly end up yoyoing back to English, I'm not entirely sure "partner" the loanword is the only way to express same-gender partner as opposed to just the only one I've heard.

It does stand that it is *a* way. (Well, obviously, you could still use terms like "boyfriend" or "wife" but think the same as English speakers use it)

When watching 02, it's pretty easy to not go there because they're so young, and interact with the digimon during downtime like siblings, as the digimon are children as well (and you can't tell me that Wormmon isn't spot on for a younger brother in an abuse situation caring for an older brother)

Tailmon isa bit different, and obviously more mature, but ep 10 was the only Hikari-centric episode, and I never really had the desire to go back and watch Adventure. I don't feel like it had something for older viewers like I got out of 02-Frontier (Savers was intentionally about older viewers, and it was like a Doogie Howser/Men in Black/Digimon crossover, and I love it. And it had adults and even an elderly character with Digimon partners! Yay for useful adults!) so I admittedly can't decisively say about Tailmon.

But the rest do seem like siblings to their human children. And they're pointedly all children.

But just now, I was watching the new short, To Sora.

I have to say, as Piyomon has an adult voice, and Sora is an adult, my mind definitely went to "maybe the nomenclature could be better."

I do also have to say that I'm rather disappointed that they're ending this with "adults can't be Chosen anymore." At least there'll always be Savers, and maybe someday, I'll have enough of my massive dual-prong Digimon and Bleach project up that I can call it "extant" (I'm having a handful of the Bleach gang become Chosen as well as Osamu put into a gigai, and if you know Bleach, just imagine Coyote Starrk getting a new friend. Of course, he still has Lillynette and also adopts most of the Arrancar as his own children, but yes, Coyote gets a Digimon friend, too. And they're specifically trying calling adults because the kids keep getting too traumatised)

Ah, things run away from me.

But yes, especially with adult chosen and digimon, "partner" the loanword with no qualifier (i.e. "partner digimon") sounds like something else entirely to my queer mind www

And also "boo" for usefulness having an age limit. I wouldn't be saying this if this weren't specifically being aimed at fans who grew up with Adventure, and, while younger than me, are still well into adulthood. Cross Wars or the reboot have no reason to concern themselves with adult viewership, but Kizuna is being made for adults. So "end of childhood=end of your ability to be a hero" seems kinda... Even if they're just trying to end the original Adventure franchise, seems like a...they can do it better.

While no, Ken's and Daisuke's parents and Jun really *don't* deserve love, just... I dunno, there's just a deluge of teen heroes with powers and some immortal hero stories, but there's not a whole lot of the kind of adults you see in Savers. Yeah, they're side characters, but I'll take what I can get. Kizuna's approach is more common, which is a shame now that the average fan is roughly 29.

(Doesn't it also mess up the whole making the epilogue make any sense, what with everyone being with their digimon in that?)

(And for that matter, I would've loved 02 parents to have names, and maybe they could've gone into Miyako's more. She seems like she has a solid family. We see Ken explaining the digimon, and his parents exploited him until he had a breakdown. Heck, his dad continues to jump down his throat over things. Why couldn't Miyako's get some love? Why can't we see Miyako explaining digimon to her family and stay up all night with her older siblings hanging on her every word? Which considering how much real life kids get sorta discounted when two adults are talking (which I'll often just walk past and wave to the kid, so they know someone sees them) might have actually been an empowering fantasy for viewers. And a really great balance to Daisuke and Ken's home lives. (The kids with unpleasant families feel represented and empowered because they can still be heroes, but kids can also have the empowerment of watching Miyako's whole family, of which she is the baby, hanging on her words

(Also, why can't we see how someone from that family could enjoy the company of someone who slaps her kid brother around? And has some kind of stalker complex? Sure, it's stuff I can make answers for myself in my project, just like the initial reason to cross them was explaining the Dark Ocean, but I really would've loved something in canon about them)

Typically, adults in any kind of action hero story--let's look at Star Wars. The people who raised Luke are non-combatants. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda (an older Muppet, but older still stands) are just there as mentors, like Urahara in Bleach. It's really on Luke's shoulders. Han Solo is as old as a hero gets, and he's pretty young himself. (I've seen the original trilogy, and it was forever ago, so if Luke Skywalker is actually a teenager, forgive the error)

You don't see anyone between 20 year old hero and 60 year old mentor doing much of anything. Buddy cops are the only exception to this.

Shame that digimon is gonna follow that pattern instead of buck the trend, especially now that their fanbase is getting older. I dunno how much of a letdown the apparent Kizuna narrative is for a 29 year old as opposed to someone who wasn't even a kid when it was new, but I'm sure it's there. Even if I am decidedly older than that, I can't be the only one disappointed by it. If I thought I was, I wouldn't make this post.

And it kinda messes up using this to make the epilogue make any sense. When it was first revealed that Yamato suddenly became an astronaut, Gabumon was there with him on Mars. So on and so forth, and all humans had partners. Which naturally includes all the people over 23.

I guess we'll always have Satuma and Kudamon. (Miki and Megumi are nice too, and are also teetering on the edge of canon ship, which it's nice to see queer female fans get that, but they do seem like they're in their early to mid 20s, which arguably puts them at the end of typical "useful age range")

I'd love to already have an alternative up, but for now, I only have a few Bleach prequel one shots posted and over 800 pages of bullet point notes.

#digimon #digimon 02 #digimon kizuna #ageism in media #aging fanbase

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promisemepancakes · 6 years

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He’s Alive?

A/N: This isn’t for anything. I was going to do it for @welcome-to-fangirl-hell writing challenge but the prompt that I wanted was already taken but she said I could give a shot at it lol so here it is (with my terrible writing ugh) I tried.

TITLE: He’s Alive?

PAIRING: Loki X Reader

RATING: M

SUMMARY: Loki’s back? From the dead? How is that possible?

NOTES/WARNINGS: possible angst? Idk lol

PROMPT: Character A and B are meeting again after a long time. They didn’t part in good terms.

WORD COUNT: 1,980 words

The sun was high above the city of Asgard. The wind blew a gentle warm breeze over the golden kingdom, sending millions of small petals from many different flowers flying through the air. It was a nice day to take a walk, especially after you had just found out who had just returned. The young prince, back again to Asgard? You should’ve known that he wasn’t truly dead. After all, he is the God of Mischief. What more could really surprise you?

It’d been a few years since you’d spoken to him. Well, kind of difficult to when he’s been gone for a while right? It’s also been a few years since you’ve had your first child, a son.

Just thinking about him brought a ghostly breath to your lips, making you take a small glance down at the child in your arms. When you first found out you had conceived a child with him, Loki was already gone. You and him had left on a poor note, a horrible tone. The last thing you heard from him was goodbye. That was back when he had wanted the throne, had it in his grasp for a short period of time, when his ambitions for the seat grew more and more as he obsessed over its power.

It was difficult to see him like that, wanting the throne after finding out who he truly was. It was difficult to get anything straight with him, make him believe that he was cared for. Whenever you spoke, he didn’t look like he believed you. Not even when you told him you loved him. But once you found out that you were pregnant, you didn’t know how to react. How were you going to tell Loki about you being conceived with HIS child? You didn’t get the chance to. When Thor returned from Midgard, they fought and Loki was sent into an abyss.

Of course you all mourned, especially you. Thor, his older brother, comforted you and you couldn’t help but go to him for any type of comfort. You both needed it.

The loss of his brother was so great within the palace. You were surprised that Odin would even show some kind of weakness towards his younger adopted son whom, you noticed, didn’t treat well in the years of his coming adulthood. It was horrible seeing the favoritism towards the two sons, but you couldn’t do anything about it. You were just one of the citizens living on Asgard who had a relationship with the prince Loki which resulted in every woman being jealous of you. Whoever was involved with either of the two princes, Thor or Loki, asgardian women would become heavily jealous.

Your black haired son coos up at you, speaking gibberish to you, returning you back to reality. Your gaze rests upon your son and you smiled sadly. “I know honey,” you say softly as you headed towards the throne room where multiple guards were holding Loki in chains while Odin spoke with him.

When you approached the room, it was already in session so you quickly scanned it, hoping there was a spot for you nearby, saw Thor by the sidelines and stood beside the eldest prince. He takes a small glance down towards you as you stood close to him, watching the words pass between king and prince. You didn’t know how to feel. So many emotions and feelings poked and agonized you ever since you’ve heard the news that Loki was back. You could barely keep your eyes on the king and the prince as they argued back and forth and hearing the princes voice made you unsteady and Thor noticed it. He rests a hand on your shoulder and you had to lean against him for steadiness as your head spun. The child’s coos echoed throughout the large room, making Loki gently tilt his head towards the sound, but never glancing away from his father's gaze.

Honestly, you didn’t know how much longer you can take with the bickering of the two gods. You didn’t want to listen, not anymore. You pushed yourself off of Thor.

“Lady (Y/N),” he says gently but you shake your head and waved your hand in the air. He presses his lips together and just nodded as he watched you turn swiftly on your heels and walk out of the throne room, just as Loki was being dragged back. When Loki turned to face the entrance to the room, he froze in place when he saw your (H/C) hair and ends of your gown flutter behind you just as you rounded the corner. He also spotted a small hand just as you passed and he suddenly felt a lump in his throat. He knew who it was and he knew how you felt.

Thor watched his brothers gaze fall to the floor as the guards lead him by the silver chains towards the prison vault. Loki felt his guilt eating at him again. It’d been there ever since the moment he told you “goodbye” and vanished from what seemed like your existence. He left you heartbroken in your bedroom, of course he was going to feel guilty. He left you heartbroken on that bridge he fell from, of course it was going to eat at him. Not a single day passes when he wished he could go back and fix everything, go back and be a better man than he was before; an obsessed god for power and rule. Now, with the guilt back and eating at his seemingly dead soul, that guilt will soon eat at the rest of his sanity as he rots in prison for the rest of his life.

“All this because Loki wanted the throne,” Odin said.

All this because I wanted to be your equal, Loki had wanted to say but never did.

News got out that Loki was put into prison for the rest of his life. Good, he deserves it, you thought to yourself but you couldn’t help but let out a heavy sigh as you took a seat at the end of your bed.

He wasn’t trying to hurt you, he was only doing it to protect you.

Protect me? All he ever wanted and ever cared about was the throne.

Maybe. Or he wanted the throne because he wanted to feel something, feel important.

I gave him the importance he needed, not the throne.

You placed your hands over your face as your mind, your soul conflicted with each other, spat and snarled and fought with each other. Suddenly you stood. You swallowed down your hate and pain you felt towards Loki and stuffed it deep down inside your body as you scooped your young son up in your arms, walked silently out of your home and towards the prison.

As you walked past each prisoner, they got riled up, made a commotion which made you feel even more uncomfortable than you already did. It made the strands of hair on the back of your neck stand and you thought that this was a terrible idea, coming down here to consult Loki, tell him how you feel, or possibly just to see his face.

When approaching his cell, you took a deep breath and paused at the scene you looked at. Loki’s back was facing you, his head hung long, his hands behind his back like a gentleman. It looked like he had just finished speaking with his...with Frigga and he looked defeated. Silently, you stood there, watching until your son cooed towards his father, which made Loki lift his head and turn to see you there.

“(Y/N)...” Loki barely whispered out as he turned his body fully to face you.

“Hello Loki.” You could barely muster out as you and him faced each other now. You watched as his eyes landed on your- you and his son. He presses his lips together and you noticed the quiver of his lower lip, the look of sadness, sorrow, guilt, resting in his eyes. “He’s yours.” You tell him. His green eyes flicker up back to your beautiful but broken (E/C) eyes. “Found out just before you said goodbye, before you ‘died’.” You told him, your voice covered with hurt and dripping with such pain. It made Loki wince.

“(Y/N), I-I didn’t mean to.” He says softly and you laughed.

“You didn’t mean to?” You asked him. “I guess it’s hard for you to take a small fight.”

Loki’s hands were in front of him now, his fingers scratching and fidgeting with the inside of his left palm. It was something he’d do when he was nervous. “I was going through something rough, I wasn’t being myself,” He explains, his eyes landing on his son once in a while. “I know you tried to help me, but i was just too stubborn and too full of myself to receive it.” Loki’s broken eyes land on his hands. “I was trying to process everything that occurred, process what I was, who I am...process that I was born into a lie.” You saw spit fly from his mouth as he growled out that last phrase with anger and poison.

Your eyes watch his nails dig into the first layer of skin on his palm before he suddenly turned away from you.

“I was in pain (Y/N), way before I told you goodbye. I was in pain after I had fallen from the bridge,” Loki’s eyes glowed green with anger and rage as you could see his mind going through the past he endured. His skin started to discolor and you swallowed hard. Your son whimpered and clutched onto your robes for comfort. “I was tortured nonstop for I don’t know how many years... And the sad thing is,” he says harshly, teeth gritting together as a single tear fell from his eyes. “The sad thing is is that, I-“ Loki spreads his fingers on his right hand and gestured to his chest, to himself, in a painful and self-accusing way. “I felt like I deserved it.” Loki’s face turned towards you, his cheeks wet with hot angry tears for himself, his skin blue and eyes red from the anger he processed again in this small moment. But eventually his skin turned back to what you thought was normal and his piercing red eyes turned back to green daggers.

“Loki…” you whispered. Sudden sadness and pain broke your frame and you took step a closer to his cell but he backed away with a single step himself. You watched with hurt in your eyes. You didn’t understand his pain, you didn’t understand what he went through most of his life and now, it was your time to feel guilty. “I’m sorry. I know...that this apology won’t cure, won’t heal, any broken ties you have in your heart or of your being but I truly am sorry.” You whispered hurtfully. Your eyes lowered down to your son who was watching his father with big blue eyes.

Loki glances over at you subtly as he watched you place a small and gentle kiss against your son's forehead.

“Now if you'll excuse me…” you say gently as you shifted your son to your other arm. “I have to get him to bed.” You turned to walk away but Loki called out your name. You paused and looked back at him.

“What’s his name? I never...You never told me.” Loki says and you stroked your child’s head.

“Damon. It means loyal.” You reply to him and Loki smiles softly as he watched you walk away.

Over your shoulder, Damon opened and closed his hand in a sort of goodbye to Loki. Loki, with a broken smile, raises his hand and opened and closed his hand in return.

Goodbye Damon, my sweet boy.

Tags: @mistwolf45 @welcome-to-fangirl-hell

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cluebottles · 4 years

Text

Consuming Avatar: The Last Airbender for the First Time...

... at 23 years old.

**Some Major Spoilers Ahead for Plot Lines and the Ending -- If you haven’t seen Avatar: The Last Air Bender I highly suggest you watch it before you read

[Before I begin: I live in America. Currently and since the “founding” of our country, minorities have not been treated as equal -- Black people in our country have been treated as less than human and have been brutally murdered at the hands of the police and the hands of our governing system of racist oppression since the beginning. It’s still happening. It will continue to happen if we ignore this, if we give up, if we push forward without enacting change. Be safe when you are protesting. Educate people who might not understand. Use your platform to speak out, to share information and resources. Donate if you can. Here’s some resources: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/ ] Alright, so the spoiler alert is out there in the open and I’ve addressed our current situation, I guess we should jump in with a little back story of my history with Avatar. As a kid, I never watched it. I still pretended to water bend in the pool -- Avatar transcended more than just television. The idea of controlling the elements around you was magnificent enough to bleed into that weird group of kids who never watched it growing up. I also had one Avatar video game that I barely played...because I didn’t watch the show...so I didn’t know what was going on. Trying to watch something and be caught up as a kid without streaming services was just impossible, so I’m lucky to not only have the complete box sets now, but we’re all lucky Netflix has graced us with the story to binge-watch.

I want to first start off and say that overall I highly enjoyed this show. Everyone I knew has praised it as being an important character building experience that made them the person they are today -- and while I can understand that, and some of that is not only important and moving, I’m also here to criticize that, just a little bit.

Let’s start off with the characters and story-- both of which mostly fantastic. I mean, Uncle Iroh is a phenomenon I’d only heard of and honestly had to think he was overrated until I fell in love with him on screen.

I think Uncle Iroh is also a very important character because he shows an important and believable character growth -- he was a war criminal. He was pushing forward, killing innocent people as he attempted to conquer the great Earth Nation city Ba Sing Se. His son was killed in the war he was raging, and he gave up and went home and over years has worked on himself to have the wisdom he is known for and astounding character growth. “But didn’t he save the last two dragons?” ...you can do a good thing while also doing other bad things. Lmfao. He is constantly trying to steer his nephew, Zuko, in a more positive direction, while also providing scattered support to the Aang Gang more than once throughout the entirety of the series. (RIP to Uncle Iroh’s original voice actor, Mako Iwamatsu, and I praise the beautiful story dedicated to him in Uncle Iroh’s tale, an episode that made me cry once I realized it was a dedication to him.)

Let’s contrast this to these two -- both having the least believable character growth(s? ses? ???) I’ve ever seen.

Everyone says “that ZUKO CHARACTER GROWTH ARC THO” and I just... I don’t have the same energy for it. Maybe it’s my most unpopular opinion on this show? But ... it’s just so rushed. I do think this series ended too soon, and I know it goes beyond just this show in comics, but as a consumer of just this show, it was flat to me. “I MUST HAVE THE AVATAR” to “I MUST HELP THE AVATAR SAVE THE WORLD” but a majority of him in this series has been the former while the last season, really, has been the latter. We stan reassessment and learning and bettering the world, but some of the first times he’s helped the Avatar has been for his own personal gain because he wants the glory so he can go home to his abusive family. I wish he would have been given more time to have a more realistic turnaround, because the beginning and the end are there -- it’s just a weird muddled middle that doesn’t make sense to me. The same with the hatred of his father. We’re not given much between “I NEED TO RESTORE MY HONOR AND COME HOME TO MY FATHER” and “I WILL HELP THE AVATAR KILL YOU” and I think that’s a shame.

Mai... I just... I can’t even.. like I don’t know where to begin on how underwhelming her betrayal of Azula is. Like yes, it has shock value, but besides the shock value, to me, it’s unbelievable. Yes, she has had a crush on Zuko since they were kids, but she’d been closer to Azula than him for most of her life. Even in the EPISODE where she does this betrayal she has very little time alone with Zuko. He tricks her and traps her in his cell, and just moments before this she’s accusing him of going against her and their entire nation. In scenes we see them together before this she’s broken up with him and shouted at him, they’ve gotten into fights, a lot, and she’s seen talking about the perks of dating a prince, relishing in the fact that she gets them too. To me her betrayal is unbelievable. I don’t hate her at all though! I honestly just think she needed more screen time so that we could be shown her doubts about the Fire Nation and how strong her relationship to Zuko actually is.

I guess it’s time for another unpopular opinion -- I can’t stand Sokka and Yue. They don’t have chemistry. Yue is literally engaged to a dickbag and instead of doing what was best for her, she was going to just go through with it. Also, Yue and Sokka don’t know each other that well nor have they known each other for that long, whereas Suki met Sokka first. Suki and Sokka have a natural chemistry. Sokka takes Suki for granted, a lot, but they’re fantastic.

Cluebottles’ Top Ten Favorite Character List

Uncle Iroh

Sokka

Toph

Suki

Avatar Roku

Appa & Momo

Avatar Kiyoshi

Katara

Aang

Zuko

Now, we know Uncle Iroh preaches humility, growth, peace and harmony. And while a lot of the time I would agree, there are some times where I don’t. Here is my biggest criticism of the show: love doesn’t conquer all, and Avatar: The Last Airbender sloppily tries to enforce that it does ‘til the awkward end of the series.

I understand that this is a children’s show. However, the fact that it’s about war and multiple people have died during the show (even if it wasn’t always outright shown), I don’t think killing the Fire Lord would have been unwarranted. If anything, it’s another show that pushes “no matter what be the bigger person”, “no matter what, love is the only way”, “you can’t fight hatred with hatred”, which ultimately does not work, and furthers the bullying of people or the oppression of people.

Aang is supposed to save the world, and when it comes down to it, he can’t kill the Fire Nation’s Leader, Lord Ozai, who is the third in straight succession to lead the assault on conquering the other nations. A war of 100 years ends “peacefully” -- except for all of the people who lost their lives fighting for their family and freedom against the Fire Nation.

Aang seeks council from his previous Avatar incarnations -- and each of them tell him to take out the Fire Lord for the good of the world. That’s Aang’s only job as the Avatar -- to keep the balance and work for the good of the world.

Instead of him bringing down the swift hand of justice, Aang learns how to bend energy (wtf?) at the literal last minute from a giant lion turtle so that he can bend the energy (again, wtf?) out of Ozai and take his bending power away. Even when the kid gets the snot knocked out of him and the Avatar state takes over, Aang stops it. And then he bends the energy (wtf x3) out of Ozai successfully even though the turtle tells him it can corrupt him entirely if he does it wrong, that it’s extremely hard to do, and even though he’s never practiced doing it.

Iroh was a war criminal. He reformed himself and helped the community he hurt when he really never had to. Zuko has his own “character development arc” where he goes from being bad to goodish to bad again to okay to bad to finally good. He’s a kid, he’s still learning, and has changed drastically for the better. Azula...Azula had been struggling with some form of mental illness/psychosis since she was a small child even into adulthood. She’s hateful and dangerous, but not only is she still a kid -- she should be (and is) locked up so she can’t ever hurt anyone again.

Fire Lord Ozai is an adult, fully aware of his actions, has killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people in his wake trying to take over territories and kill other benders, enslave them, and imprison them. Even when confronted by the Avatar, resistance, and his own son peacefully, not only does he start the violence in retaliation, but he doesn’t learn from being shown compassion. He is literally already a war criminal, there should be no compassion left for anyone to show him. My point being that there’s a stark difference between him and others who may have been like him.

So in the end, the big message that this sends to me is that you should always show love and compassion. Never resort to violence. Be the “bigger person”, like I mentioned above, and like I said this doesn’t translate to real life. I think a huge reason why I feel I need to criticize this and other children’s shows that push this message is that we are being fed this narrative at a young age while we’re being bullied, while we’re facing hatred from others whether it’s because of the color of our skin, our gender, our sexuality -- we are expected to always be the “better person”. Our problems will somehow amicably be fixed by love. We shouldn’t actively be trying to dismantle a system taking advantage of and killing minorities, all I have to do is be nice. As we grow that feeds into our naive outlook on protesting and rioting, our outlooks on lawmaking and leadership. “Well they just made their whole movement look bad” “You should never resort to violence” -- meanwhile the police have been murdering black people for years and years, and people have been “peacefully protesting” that. Rioting was what got freedoms for several different movements, whether it’s worker’s rights, lgbt+ rights, the "civil rights act”, rioting is what literally got the USA the “freedom” to begin with.

In the world of Avatar: The Last Airbender, Aang is gifted at the last moment with the ability to take away Lord Ozai’s power and ultimately, have a peace restored without violence. In the real world, you cannot take away the power of war criminals and oppressors because they have the power in a system stacked against you. So trying to answer such a huge life question, trying to end a war in the real world, trying to take down oppressors -- showing them love and trying to fumble it on your own sense of humility does nothing.

I watched this show unfold and finish moments before I watched people take to the streets to protest yet another black life lost by the hands of police brutality and systemic racsim. Watching George Floyd die just for being black in America, knowing all of the black lives lost every day just because they are black in America to then look at a show that tries to push a message like “love conquers all”, “violence is unnecessary”, just makes me angry because we live in a world where these sentiments, though nice, don’t exist.

That being said, I’m glad this show meant a lot to people, because it did mean a lot to me too. For some reason, it gives me a strange sense of hope. This is probably my favorite show and I’m watching it again after just finishing it. If you haven’t watched it, there are a lot of lessons that can be learned to positively affect you and make you take a step back and re-evaluate, and maybe implement some of Uncle Iroh’s wisdom into your life.

#avatar #avatar the last airbender #netflix #critically reviewing avatar the last airbender

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