#less than 24 hours later here’s the dr one lol

[goldensunset]

💎 lokiss

🔁 traumaadcaelum Follow

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💎 lokiss

i think a snickers would’ve fixed baldr tbh

🙅 traumaadcaelum Follow

hi! can you NOT make jokes about the worst massacre that’s happened here in centuries?? my girlfriend was murdered that day but i guess people like you just love taking advantage of tragedies for funny internet clout. i hope you lose your heart in another world.

💎 lokiss

she baldr on my dr until i bald

#get off my post i literally lost someone too

479 notes

💐 my-other-car-is-a-keyblade-glider

my missing brother, brani, is finally back!!!! i’ve been so so worried for forever. thank you everyone who prayed with me 🙏

#he is acting a little weird though if i’m being honest #freya speaks

5 notes

🌸 dandelioneater

🔁 the-fourteenth-original-darkness

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🍎 valkyrie-of-dreams Follow

sometimes i feel like my taste in men is bad and then i remember there are multiple secret societies entirely dedicated to thirsting after master brain

🔑 its-kee-not-kai

you ever see a post that just looks like someone swinging a keyblade at a flappy bugs nest

#kingdom hearts grant me the serenity to not look at the notes #courage to not look at the notes #and wisdom to not look at the notes

56907 notes

🌕 tardyfleetfoot

Asking for a friend what do you do when a cable car stops in midair and starts shaking and swaying on the wire while you’re in there up there way high above the ground? Time sensitive question asking for a friend.

3 notes

🌚 the-fourteenth-original-darkness

🔁 my-other-car-is-a-keyblade-glider

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🧜🏻‍♀️ ieatchesspieces Follow

let’s explore the nearby abandoned towns together!

108500 notes

🔑its-kee-not-kai

🔁 master-odin-retire-challenge

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💍 ladyofsilver-fountains Follow

it’s really awful how people are acting like it’s illegal to have a sense of humor anymore. even in the wake of tragedy, humans have always been humans. plus it’s been almost a year now. life goes on, you know?

👢master-odin-retire-challenge

the context for this post is op lost their job and reputation because they laughed at the funeral of a little girl named vör when the person giving the eulogy couldn’t be bothered to learn how to pronounce her name correctly. please for the love of light stop blindly reblogging things like this.

#oh ewww i hate people

239 notes

🌘 xehanerd

to the anon who just sent that long-winded ask: my blog is my space. if you don’t like what i post then move on.

#xe.post #delete later

0 notes

🌘 xehanerd

🔁 dajokerofscala Follow

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🌗 balancewillprevail Follow

It drives me insane whenever people frame it like Baldr 'succumbing to darkness' and going crazy was inevitable. Sure, darkness played a part in that tragedy, but it completely overlooks the reality of how Master Odin failed to take care of that child at every step of the way. The boy was lost in grief, and the adult who was supposed to take care of him shoved him in an asylum-like room alone? Are we really going to leave that part out in favor of pushing the narrative that people prone to darkness are simply evil at heart? He could have lived a happy life being himself if he had been supported and nurtured. It didn’t have to be this way.

🌕 tardyfleetfoot

Right? We could have saved him from his darkness! He was our friend….

🌗 balancewillprevail Follow

That’s… not at all what I was saying, but I suppose a stupid comment like this is to be expected from somebody with ‘darkness dni’ in their bio. Thanks for trying.

🐓 everyoneshutupplease Follow

‘darkness played a part in that tragedy’ not you sugarcoating what happened for the sake of pushing YOUR narrative that the thing that’s been killing people since the dawn of time can possibly be anything but toxic. how many people have to die before people like you get in touch with reality???

��� balancewillprevail Follow

Sounds about right from someone who went through the Scala Ad Caelum public school system. Have you ever tried reading a book other than what was assigned for class? Please check your natural-light privilege and ignorance. Thanks.

🪐 fenrir-fanatic

look out lads we got another conspiracy theorist ‘homeschool your kids’ dork lmao

🌗 balancewillprevail Follow

And do you read anything other than sigurd x reader fanfiction, based on the first seven posts on your blog?

📈 whats-your-favorite-staircase-to-heaven Follow

the notes on this post were so toxic staff just axed ‘em

#sent to me #thank you joker

0 notes

#unreality #less than 24 hours later here’s the dr one lol #kingdom hearts #khdr #kingdom hearts dark road #dark road #mine: kh

[artificialqueens]

Lemon's Misadventures in Dating, Chapter 6  (Lemon x Everyone) - Mermelada

A/N: Hi everyone! Here’s chapter 6, as seen on Ao3! I found out that Lemon’s irl mum is Scottish, so naturally, I had to include her as a character and base her on my own! More is coming soon, so watch this space! :D I love you all!!

[07:24] HEY GIRL!

[07:24] I’m so sorry but I ate your sister for breakfast

[07:24] She was a grapefruit lololololol

[07:24] I’m sorry please don’t hate me

[07:24] But she was delicious

[07:25] So what’s the tea on Little Miss Lemon? I want to know everything! What’s your favourite type of pasta?

Lemon read the messages again as she sat at the kitchen island, sipping her coffee. She couldn’t help but smile. That was not what she was expecting at all from Priyanka, she looked so poised and regal in all her photos, yet in reality she was coming across as a complete goofball. Although it had been three hours now, and she was still awaiting a reply.

[09:58] Umm how fucking dare you?

[09:58] Don’t even expect me to respond to that until I get a full apology, you murderer.

Was the joke not obvious? Fuck, what if she thinks I’m serious? But then she started it…

“What’s got you smiling, princess?”

She jumped with shock as her mum walked through the door, placing her handbag on the counter and opening the fridge door. She knew her mum only worked a half-day on Thursdays, but her sudden appearance was a surprise nonetheless. Lemon felt like she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t be.

“Oh, nothing,” she sang, quickly locking her phone and putting it back in her pocket, away from prying eyes, “how was work?”

“Well you’re not acting like it was nothing,” teased her mum, moving around the kitchen in a blur as she prepared her lunch. “Is it a girl?”

Lemon failed to hide the blush rising on her face, she knew her mum meant no harm, but she was not prepared to get into a conversation about dating and hookups with her so early in the day, and with so little alcohol to hand. “Muuuuuuuuum” she groaned, hoping that the coolness of her hands would remove the redness as she placed her chin in her palms.

“I’m just glad you’re happy, darling, you deserve it after the summer you’ve had!” Lemon couldn’t deny that her mum had been an absolute angel these last few months. She listened to Lemon way back when she had first admitted that things weren’t working like they should be, and never once offered any judgement or tried to convince her to stay. She had even helped Lemon move her things out of her old apartment as quickly as was humanly possible for the pair of them, while she was at work. “Are you up to date with your tetanus shots though, because you’ll need one if she’s doing that to you!”

Just when Lemon felt she couldn’t get any redder, her mum’s finger was poking the mottled bruise peeking out from under the loose collar of her t-shirt, her whole body burning as her mind flashed back to the moment it had been placed there… the body above her trembling, grabbing a handful of platinum hair as they grinded against each other’s thighs, the muffled cries in French… “Oh my god, mum, please stop!”

“What?! You can’t just disappear for two nights in a row and not expect me to be curious! What’s her name?”

She audibly groaned at her mother’s prying tone, laying her head on the cold marble countertop. “Mum, I love you, but I am not having this conversation with you right now!”

Fucking Rita, I’m sure she’ll find this funny at least, Lemon made a mental note to text the other woman later, wondering if she’s had any similar happenings with her work colleagues, or if she had enough experience - and common sense - to hide the evidence of her Tinder trysts better. At least she had put on leggings after waking up today, as shorts would have only showcased an even more incriminating patchwork of colourful marks across her inner thighs.

Her mum simply smiled and wrapped an arm around her from behind the high kitchen chair, planting an affectionate kiss on her daughter’s temple. “Well, you know what I always say, pumpkin, as long as you’re happy and safe, go out there and have fun! Are dental dams still a thing? Do you need some?”

Lemon could only muster a grunt in response, her head making an audible bang as she threw it onto the counter, deeply wishing that the conversation was over. Right on cue, she felt the phone in her pocket buzz with a new notification. She practically leapt off her seat, ready to run to the safety of her bedroom. “Well, on that note, I’m going to remove myself from this deeply uncomfortable situation. Thank you, mother!” 

“Ooh is that her texting you? When are you seeing her next?” The enthusiastic questions fell - as her mum expected - on deaf ears, Lemon gulping down the remainder of her cold coffee and placing the empty mug in the sink.

When she finally reached her safe haven, she pushed the door closed and jumped back on the bed. Despite knowing her parents wouldn’t mind at all, she still wasn’t ready to admit she was trying to move on, let alone with an assortment of random ladies from the Greater Toronto Area. She grabbed at her phone excitedly, her eyes lighting up when she saw that Priyanka had finally answered.

[13:35] My dearest Lemon, I must beg for your forgiveness, for I have sinned gravely. Upon awakening from my slumber and entering my cooking chamber, my stomach began to sing a dreadful tune. In the search for something to quell its anger, I encountered a grapefruit, as cute as your face and as juicy as your ass probably is. With no other option, I slaughtered it, dressed it with some sugar, and devoured its flesh. Would you please accept my most sincere apology in the form of a drink sometime?

This crazy bitch. No other interaction on the app had left Lemon feeling so giddy, her heart had sped up and her stomach was doing somersaults. Yes yes yes yes oh my god of course! Luckily her common sense kicked in, and she realised she should probably act a bit less… desperate.

[13:40] Let me think about it

[13:41] Loljk of course!

[13:41] Any day/time work best for you? I’m afraid I’m fully booked this weekend

[13:41] Mourning my sister and all

[13:41] (I mean the grapefruit btw sorry that could have been weird)

Luckily, she didn’t have to wait long for a response. 

[13:42] LOL I’m glad it didn’t turn dark

[13:42] Any night that’s not a school day is best for me!

[13:43] Speaking of which I better get back and entertain some little people, ttyl xo

[13:43] KIDS, btw, just in case xx

Lemon shook her head as she smiled, Priyanka was certainly something else. Cute, funny, sexy… hopefully she didn’t ruin it by having bad breath or murderous tendencies. She couldn’t explain it, she already felt something special about the girl, something she hadn’t felt since- no. Let’s not ruin a good thing by thinking about her. But the more she looked at Priyanka’s profile, the more memories of Juice kept flooding her mind. Taking a moment, she sat on the floor, stretching her legs out in front of her and breathing deeply and rhythmically, a makeshift meditation to nip any panic in the bud.

Is it still too soon? Maybe I’m not ready to be moving on if I still think about her so much, and if I still get so emotional doing so. Images of the former couple danced around her head; walking hand in hand, snuggling on the couch under blankets, even just helping each other cook, or drinking coffee in bed on a rainy morning. I thought it was what I wanted, but maybe I was wrong. She sat silently for a few minutes, trying her best to think of nothing but a dark sky filled with distant, twinkling stars, but even that took her mind back to the nights they’d spend wandering around their neighbourhood, talking about their hopes and dreams, where they’d live once they got married, how many cats and dogs it was acceptable to have. It seemed like the natural course for them, but not everything can work out the way people want it to. 

She didn’t know whether it was the buzz of her phone on the bed behind her, or Gus’s gentle panting as he pushed through the door which awoke her from her semi-trance, but she took the opportunity to stand up and shake the stiffness out of her body. It was a natural impulse to bring her hands to her eyes to wipe away her tears, but she was pleasantly surprised to not find any there today. Maybe things were getting better after all. 

She and Gus both slid onto her bed, the dog circling three times before plopping himself down in the crook of Lemon’s elbow, which she rewarded with a firm scratch under his chin. Picking up her phone, it buzzed again in her hand with messages from Rita.

Dr Rita <3 [14:02] shared a link

Dr Rita <3 [14:05] Bonjour! How are you today, mon citron? I had a nap after work and I am now ready for the gym :-O Last night a colleague told me about this dance school where his daughters go, a teacher is pregnant and will need someone to cover the classes when she is off. I thought of you :-) I hope you slept better than a baby! X

Dr Rita <3 [14:06] Also I found a bruise on my ass yesterday, I was in pain every time I was sitting down, thank you very much…

Lemon had always believed in fate to some degree, and upon seeing the link Rita had sent, she had no doubt that destiny had been on her side during the events of the last few days. She stared at the familiar tan bricks of her old dance school, the smiling face of her old principal teacher finally giving her the push she needed to get back in the saddle. She threw on a pair of jeans and a woolen cardigan, replying to Rita with one hand as she pulled on her ankle boots with the other.

[14:10] Merci merci, I’ll check it out!! Have fun at the gym, you crazy pomme! How was sexy kidney lady? 

[14:11] And de rien 😘 my mum saw the one on my neck today, she thinks I’m being bullied 😞

Jumping down the stairs two at a time and shouting a quick goodbye to her mum - closing the door before she could hear the inevitable embarrassing reply - she walked as quickly as her legs could possibly take her to the dance school, a path she had already walked hundreds of times throughout her childhood. Even if they said no, she would sign up to classes or find some auditions, how could this not be a sign from the universe to start dancing again? As she reached the heavy iron door, she checked her phone one last time.

Dr Rita <3 [14:14] Courage, ma belle! They would be idiots to not want you! Well, she made me my favourite tea and told me she liked my lipstick, so I think we are married now?

Dr Rita <3 [14:16] And I am so sorry! :-( Do you have arnica cream? I hope your mother knows it was at your request? ;-)

She had really lucked out with Rita, she needed a good friend like her in her corner right now. And as she stepped inside, navigating the bright corridors to the principal’s office, she was really glad she’d downloaded Tinder.

#rpdr fanfiction #drcan #mermelada #lemon #priyanka #rita baga #kyne #kiara #juice boxx #submission #lmid #can1

[hqwkeyes]

Hey I loved you’re Natasha fic!! Would you maybe write one with R super worried about Nat cause she gets news that Nat’s mission went bad or something like that but with a happy ending? Angst to fluff is my favorite lol, thank you!!!

Wounded

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Word Count: 1,897

Warnings: injury, mentions of blood (literally one line), slight angst, fluff, Peter being cute

A/N: Hi there! Thank you so, so much to the anon who requested this! I’m so glad you enjoyed my last Nat fic (it means a lot to me!), and I hope you like this one just as much! Also, there isn’t too much angst because I didn’t want to make myself cry (I’m sorry). I hope everyone else likes this as well! Happy reading!

You received word from Steve about an hour ago and haven’t stopped pacing around the exit to the launch pad since then. They should be arriving soon, so why isn’t the medical team out here ready to meet them yet?

As if on cue, you get a message from Sam stating that they are five minutes out and that they will be bringing Nat up to the med bay themselves. You tell him that you will be waiting for them when they arrive on the quinjet.

They arrive two minutes earlier than expected, rushing Natasha out on a stretcher. Steve is swiftly yet carefully wheeling her inside as he tells you to stay downstairs while the doctors work with her and that Bucky and Sam will fill you in. Clint comes in behind them, helping Steve get her upstairs as quickly as possible.

You try to follow them, but Sam grabs you by the arm.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. Cap’s orders,” he tells you, earning him a sharp glare. He and Bucky sit you down in the common room and begin telling you the details of the mission and where things went wrong.

“We were supposed to be in and out, Steve and Nat go in as a team and then split up. He got the weapons and she retrieved the stolen intelligence files,” Bucky explains.

“Clint and I were lookout and getaway, and Bucky was backup. The whole mission went well until we were all heading back to the quinjet,” Sam tells you with a solemn look on his face.

“Steve and Nat were exiting the building when I heard shouting. They must’ve heard it too because they bolted, and she damn near knocked me over in the process,” Bucky says with a light chuckle at the end.

“Anyway, the guards came outside and started shooting. I think Steve was grazed by a bullet but he wouldn’t let me check it out. It’s probably healed by now anyway.”

“Can you get to the part where Nat got hurt?” You know you should be more patient with them—less rude, too. They understand, though, and Sam picks up with the story again.

“Yeah, sorry. She was below me but then she just went down. She got back up quickly and kept going, but she was shot two more times. Apparently there were snipers on the roof, but they couldn’t have been that great because neither of them got a kill shot in.”

“So she got shot three times? The leg and where else?” Your tone is demanding.

“She’s gonna be fine, Y/N.” Sam’s voice is calm, and the hand on your shoulder brings you back to Earth for a moment.

You nod. Stand up. Pace around a bit. Then, you make a break for the elevator.

Bucky is fast on his feet, catching you at the metal doors that just began to open. He holds you against his chest, not to restrain you, but to soothe you—it is a warm embrace.

She cannot die. She cannot die. She cannot die.

You don’t even realize that you’re crying until you pull back and notice the tears staining Bucky’s shirt. You mumble an apology, but he offers you an understanding smile. You bury your face in his chest again, and he holds you there for a while. Sam joins in too, hugging you.

Not too long after you’ve settled down—to the best of your ability, at least—Clint and Steve came in. Steve’s arm was bandaged up, likely from the graze that Sam mentioned earlier.

“She just got out of surgery a few minutes ago. Dr. Cho said that everything went better than she expected it to and that Nat will be asleep for a little while,” Steve tells the whole group, but he faces you. He knows how stressed you must have been the past few hours.

You audibly sigh in relief.

“Doc said to come back in the morning. She should wake up then,” Clint adds. You engulf him in a hug, and you can feel the vibrations through his chest as he chuckles, wrapping his arms around you.

“You okay, kid?” He asks as he pulls away, and you nod.

“She’s a fighter,” you mumble, and he ruffles your hair.

“Damn right, she is. I took out the assholes who shot her while we were retreating, though.”

“Of course you did.” For the first time today, a genuine laugh escapes you.

“It’s getting late. You should get some rest, Y/N. All of you should. It’s been a rough day,” Steve says in his Captain voice, and Sam whines like a child about not wanting to go to bed yet.

You decide to take his advice, bidding everyone goodnight before getting ready for bed. Rather than sleeping in your own room, though, you fall asleep in the chair at Natasha’s bedside. You feel safer by her side anyway.

The following morning, you’re startled awake by someone shaking you. You look up to find Sam, a small grin on his face.

“I should’ve known you would come here,” he says.

“I couldn’t sleep without her.” Your statement is paired with a slight shrug. Sam’s smile widens as Natasha stirs.

“I’ll come back in a bit with the team,” he tells you, patting your shoulder before exiting the room.

“Thank you, Sam,” you call to him.

“No problem,” his voice echoes from down the hall.

You turn to see Natasha’s eyes fluttering a bit, trying to open but failing a few times before finally getting it right. She lifts an arm, shielding her eyes from the light. You immediately dim the lights in the room to better suit her eyes. She looks over at you, slightly alarmed. Once she realizes where she is and that you’re here, she visibly relaxes.

“Hi baby,” you say softly.

She tries to speak, but her voice is hoarse and her throat is scratchy. You’re quick to get her a glass of water, helping her sit up a bit to take a sip. She’s wearing that smile that she’s reserved just for you when she’s finished drinking, and you could swear it could light up the whole compound, let alone this room.

“I got shot,” is all she says, smile still plastered to her face. A breathy laugh leaves her lips, and it’s the prettiest sound you’ve ever heard.

“I know. Sam and Bucky told me what happened on the mission.”

“Did you sleep here?” Her voice is soft, still recovering from not being used for a while.

You nod. “I couldn’t sleep without you,” you tell her bashfully. She stretches an arm out and places her hand on your knee.

“I’m glad you were here.” She takes deep breath before scooting over in her bed to make room for you. You scold her for moving too much when you notice her wince, but she dismisses it as she pats the spot beside her.

You noticed a thick bandage wrapped around her shoulder, so you deduced that she must’ve been shot there. Carefully, you climb into the bed beside her, as you don’t know where her third wound is. You decide to ask, and she points to her abdomen on the lower right side.

“You really are a mess, huh?” you joke, and she begins to laugh before she winces again, nodding slightly.

She’s softer right now, more vulnerable. She lets her walls down around you and only you. Okay, maybe around Clint, too, but not to the same degree. You love it, though; you get to see a side of her that very, very few people have the pleasure of seeing.

She’s playing with your hair when your eyes meet. A smile breaks out on each of your faces, and you lean down a bit to kiss your girlfriend. Despite all that she’s been through in the last 24 hours, her plush lips still somehow taste sweet.

A quiet “aww” pulls the two of you away from each other slowly.

Natasha’s face lights up when she sees the entire team standing there, including Peter, Scott, and Carol.

“How’re you feeling, Romanoff?” Tony asks.

“Like I’ve been shot three times,” she deadpans, and you can hear Sam snickering in the back.

Peter leaves a vase full of flowers and a Get Well Soon balloon on her bedside table.

“Oh, thanks, Pete. You didn’t have to do that for me,” Natasha tells the young boy, her cheeks dimpling as she smiles.

“Oh, it was nothing. I’m just really glad you’re okay.” She gives him a light hug, and Steve is chuckling at the fear in poor Peter’s eyes—he’s afraid of hurting her.

Everyone sits around the room and chit chats for a while, with Wanda and Carol sitting at the foot of the bed, minding Nat’s wounded leg. Clint is sitting beside Nat, holding the hand that you’re not and stroking her hair.

Dr. Cho comes in a little later to tell her that the she’s going to put her in the same chamber she used on Clint a few years back to regenerate the tissue later on in the day.

The gang all leave to get lunch, despite Peter’s wishes to stay back to hang out with Natasha and yourself. Steve wanted the two of you to have a little bit more alone time, and he promised to bring something back for the two of you.

There’s a deafening silence in the room once they’re all gone, and it gets you thinking.

“I really thought I was gonna lose you,” you confess. “I-I saw all the blood dripping from the stretcher, and the rags—Steve tried to hide them from me but I saw them. I was so worried, I almost took Bucky down to get to you.” That last part gets Nat laughing again, but this time she laughs through the pain.

“I’m right here, my love,” she whispers, and you close your eyes and relish in the sound of her voice; the voice you thought you might never hear again.

You press a feather-light kiss to her forehead.

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you,” you mumble.

“You don’t have to. I’m right here, Y/N. I’m not going anywhere. Some amateur snipers can’t take me down for good.” Her tone is serious, her grip on your hand tightening.

“Look at me,” she tells you, tilting your chin to face her. “I’m right here. I’m okay. In fact, I’m more than okay because I have you here, and a supportive family getting us lunch.” The last part earns a laugh from you, which brings a smile to Natasha’s lips. She leans in and kisses you again, cupping your cheek with her free hand—the one on the arm that isn’t wounded.

The jingling of keys catches your attention as well as Nat’s, and you both pull away to see who’s in the room.

“Sorry, Steve forgot his keys,” Bucky mumbles awkwardly before leaving the room with a wave. The two of you wave back, giggles spilling out into the hallway for him to hear.

Natasha leans in and kisses you again. The kiss is short and sweet, followed by a peck on your nose.

“I love you,” she says, gazing into your eyes.

“I love you too, baby,” you say, grinning broadly as you gently tug her closer to you, cuddling until your food arrives.

#hqwkeyes #hqwkeyesrequests #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff drabble #natasha romanoff fanfiction #natasha romanoff fic #natasha romanoff oneshot #oneshot #drabble #fic #fanfiction #x reader #marvel #marvel writing #marvel fic #Marvel AU #marvel fanfiction #marvel drabble #marvel drabbles #drabbles #one shots #one shot #oneshots #i love you 3000 #nat x reader

[shirtlesssammy]

6x11: Appointment in Samarra

Then:

Sam’s a whole new new level of freak

Now:

We find Dean on a grocery run at a butcher in Chinatown (in South Dakota?) He’s directed to the back of the shop where he meets Freddy Krueger Dr. Robert. (We also witness non-germ freak Dean get a bit squicked out from touching a gross banister. We know he’s not a germ freak because he says so, and when Dean says he’s not something, well, he’s always telling the truth, right?) Dr. Robert is an old acquaintance of John’s, and Dean apparently needs some stitching up.

Oh, nope, he’s in the business of killing people, temporarily. Dean “Suicide is my jam” Winchester does seem a little hesitant before proceeding and asks, “And your success rate?” He gets a cheery, “Excellent, almost 75 percent” in response. (Before Dean goes under, he asks the doctor to mail a letter to Ben. Ugh, crying noise. It doesn’t help that I’m reading a fic right now where Ben is Dean’s son. Ugh.) 

Ghost Dean heads to the butcher and then summons Tessa. It seems he wants to talk to Death. She balks, but Death shows up anyway.

Dean wants Death to spring Sam’s soul and Adam from the Cage in Hell. “Pick one.” Lolololol. I mean, he pushed back a little, but this really isn’t an option for Dean.

Sam’s soul has spent a year in Hell, and Dean wants it fixed. Death can’t do that, but he can put it behind “a wall” in his mind. It’s not permanent. “Do it.” Death will only do it if Dean wins the wager though. Dean wonders what the wager is, and gets knocked down a couple pegs by someone almost a head shorter than him. Death insists that when Dean retrieves Death’s ring, he must be Death for one day. If he fails, the deal of returning Sam’s soul is off. Before Dean can get an answer to why, he’s revived by Dr. Robert and his assistant.

Later, Dean tells Bobby and Sam his plan. Sam is less than impressed. Dean heads out with Death’s ring, and Bobby is tasked with watching Sam.

Dean puts on Death’s ring and finds a very surly Tessa waiting for him.

She tells him that he’s going to stick to the rules and kill everyone that’s on her list of people who are supposed to die.

Meanwhile, at an old factory, Sam summons Balthazar.

Sam wants help from Balthazar. Specifically, he wants a spell that keeps a soul out of a human (man, what a wild ride of a show if he had succeeded….I mean, I love Sam, but he’s so much more interesting when he’s ruthless and soulless.) Balthy agrees and tells Sam that he needs to scar his vessel to the point where it can’t be inhabited --patricide. Oooh, Sam’s gonna kill Bobby (ok, I take back wanting ruthless Sam all the time.)

Tessa and Dean walk and talk to their first death gig. Tessa tells Dean people often want to know what it all means.

Cut to a convenience store robbery in action. The shopkeeper shoots the robber, and Dean takes his first victim.

Victim number two falls prey to a heart attack. When he asks what it all means, Dean responds with, “Everything is dust in the wind.” Lol, love Dean and his love of pop culture.

Sam comes back to Bobby’s place. Bobby is not a man who suffers fools. He offers Sam a drink.

Tessa and Dean arrive at a hospital to find a single father and his dying daughter. Yeah, Dean’s not into this too much. She’s twelve and dying of a heart condition. Dean refuses to reap her - he’s death and he can do what he wants. A little later we get a scene where her doctor announces to the father and daughter that her heart miraculously healed. Yay! A nurse walks through Tessa, about to head home after the girl’s heart surgery was canceled. She shudders…

Sam and Bobby are playing a card game, ever so innocently. Sam makes a move to try to knock Bobby out while his back is turned, but Bobby gets the drop on him instead. Atta boy. Sam escapes but Bobby traps him in the basement by means of a trap door. Okay, Bobby. Wow. Kudos for the trap door, man. Bobby and Sam argue over the fate of his soul and Sam explains about the spell. Sam Fucking Winchester then escapes out of the ceiling hatch of the escape room.

Back at the hospital the doors open wide. It’s the nurse from before. Because surgery was cancelled, she got in a car accident and now Dean has to take her. When the nurse is reaped, Tessa doesn’t hold back in blaming Dean on her untimely death. She brings Dean back to the girl’s room where the girl and her father are planning a “real vacation.” Tessa tells him the girl must die, or chaos and sorrow will follow her for her entire life. Dean asks for a moment and...disappears.

Back at Bobby’s, Sam and Bobby are hunting each other when Sam knocks Bobby out.

Meanwhile, Dean’s sitting in the car of a weeping, drunk man trying to intervene and tell him to stop. But the driver can’t hear him. Desperate, Dean pulls off Death’s ring. He gets him to pull over, violently, and then climbs out of the car calling for Tessa. He lost. Sam’s soul is SOL. He puts the ring back on so he can call for Tessa.

Even though he lost Death’s bargain, Dean heads back to the little girl’s room and reaps her soul. He’s a hunter and he just learned an important lesson. It’s just devastating all around.

Dean gets back to Bobby’s just in time to save him from Sam. Sam wakes up in the panic room and Dean watches him through the bars morosely. He slumps upstairs to find Death just hanging out in Bobby’s living room eating take out. He even brought Dean a bacon dog. Awwww. Friendship.

Dean admits that he learned a hard lesson, and that he would have killed the girl to save preserve the natural order (and save the nurse). Death chastises him a little. “You throw away your life because you've come to assume that it'll bounce right back into your lap. But the human soul is not a rubber ball. It's vulnerable, impermanent, but stronger than you know. And more valuable than you can imagine.”

Dean sasses Death (because he’s almost always incapable of doing anything but that) and Death brushes it off. He’s heading down to save Sam’s soul, okay byeeeeee. “You and your brother keep coming back. You're an affront to the balance of the universe, and you cause disruption on a global scale.”

A few minutes later, Dean races down and gets Bobby to open the panic room door. Death arrives and brings with him Sam’s soul. Under Sam’s screams and Dean’s worried eye, Death restores Sam’s soul to him and erects a wall to keep the Hell memories at bay.

It’s About the Quotes:

Quit shuffling and deal.

What do you think the soul is? Some pie you can slice?

For the next 24 hours, you kill everyone who’s number is up.

You mean like how did Betty White outlast me?

I thought for sure death had you by the twins.

All the times that you messed with life and death, they just worked out for you? It was just a beach party every time, huh?

Don’t say, ‘here’s johnny’

Natural order is stupid.

It’s about the souls

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn rewatch #spn 6x11 #appointment in samarra #dean winchester #sam winchester #bobby singer #death #tessa #balthazar

[airagorncharda]

I had top surgery yesterday! 

update below the cut!

I seem to be fine every time I’m awake, although I’m napping a LOT (a good thing).

They had to intubate me for the surgery, so my throat’s a little sore, and my sides are sore, especially where the drains are in, but I’m already off the oxi (it was making me nauseous) and onto Tylenol and Advil, taking as prescribed. 

My post from a few days ago had a bunch of concerns and excitements, so here’s an update:

Issue #1 - my parents being at the hospital WAS stressful but also good. They asked a lot of questions but they also got a lot of answers that seemed to ease their minds, and they were able to be helpful when I was coming out of it. 

Issue #2 - I had to be very very clear with the Dr (Dr Pranay Parikh) that retaining nipple sensation was such a priority for me. He indicated right before the surgery that in order to do that I might end up with a B cup, aka it would be more of a reduction than a removal, which I was pretty stressed and sad about. But I communicated what my priorities were (nipple sensation, passing WHILE CLOTHED, not having breasts anymore) and he really listened. 

And then the surgery went absolutely perfectly apparently, and as far as I can tell my chest LOOKS how I wanted AND I kept sensitivity, so I’m just over the moon about how this has gone. Literally everything I wanted. 

Issue #3 - I still can’t cuddle my cats but my fiance has been holding the up for me to pet them and give them kisses a couple times, and the one that usually spends most of her time in our room is hanging out in here on a leash so she can’t get too close but also isn’t being exiled or feeling unloved It’s good.

Issue #4 - The Dr was really good about not assuming pronouns or anything, which was a relief. I do USE he/him pronouns, but the repetition of “No assumptions!” from him made me feel like I COULD have told him I’m nonbinary without it being an issue.

My fiance’s mom did say something like “Now you’re a man!!” which was a little frustrating, but she’s a lady who’s very supportive and was trying to say the right thing so... her heart’s in the right place at least. I think out of anyone saying it, I’m least bothered by it being her, because I know what she was trying to say. Other people saying the same thing would have felt like they were saying that transition makes gender, or that I must be binary, but from her it was just her fumbling over how to say “this is what you wanted!! :)” so it’s whatever.

Issue #5 - Too early to have any opinions or updates about this one yet.

Issue #6 - Still true, but only a mild annoyance. I’m not sure I COULD draw like this anyway.

Issue #7 - I was NOT given laughing gas, so this was not an issue! I remember them telling me that they gave me stuff to knock me out, and I gave a thumbs up, and then I woke up a few hours later with no breasts!

Issue #8 - I decided not to wear anything, and I’ve just been sitting on a red towel, and it’s way less stress and has not been a problem. 

Excitement #1 - No fucking breasts, holy shit! I don’t have a lot to say about this yet other than that it already feels better not to have them, even while I have drains in, and a weird compression binder on, and gauze pads all over my chest, etc. I can already fit better into this button up shirt (IF YOU HAVE TOP SURGERY: WEAR A LOOSE BUTTON UP SHIRT, IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE), and I already feel so much relief just from not seeing them when I look down.

Excitement #2 - I mean I’ve been napping constantly, but I have to sleep on my back for now, so I don’t have an update on the dysphoria sleep yet. I’m pretty certain it’s not going to be a thing anymore though. 

Excitement #3 - No updates yet on passing publicly, obviously.

Excitement #4 - Same with this, although they haven’t misgendered me once in the past couple days so maybe the surgery being a reality has already had the desired effect from my parents.

Excitement #5 - No spooning yet, I gotta sleep on my back for now.

Excitement #6 - No swimming yet, lol

Excitement #7 - I haven’t yet, but I’m honestly excited to get photos of myself in this state the next time I get my binder off to get checked. Y’all might get to see what I look like post surgery, which is admittedly A Wreck, but I’m excited about it.

Excitement #8 - I love blue jello and my parents are bringing over mashed potatoes. Also, I never realized that stop-and-shop brand ginger ale actually tastes different from other brands? I think it’s got less ginger in it. And maybe, like, a little vanilla? Anyway, my parents bought the stop and shop brand, and it’s weird.

Excitement #9 - Mostly so far I’ve been playing animal crossing on my phone between naps, but I’m looking forward to games and movies.

Thing #1 - Originally I had to be there for 10:30 for a noon appointment. Then they called and informed me I had to be there at 8:15 for a 9:45 appointment. Then when my fiance and I were IN THE CAR on the WAY TO THE HOSPITAL they called me and asked where I was?? Apparently there was a clerical error so they thought my surgery was scheduled for 8:45 instead of 9:45? Anyway it didn’t end up being a problem but it was stressful.

Thing #2 - This plan has worked out very well so far, with my parents doing grocery shopping while my fiance takes care of me. A++ plan, going great.

Thing #3 - I’m UP AND AWAKE AND GONNA PLAY DnD YEAHHHHH!!! I’m very pleased about this. 

Thing #4 - Not relevant yet, though I suspect I will be able to spend at least some time downstairs. 

Other things:

I threw up a few times the first day, but it was weirdly not uncomfortable? It looked sort of clear black (possibly from medicine from the intubation, or stomach acid, or a trick of my eyes, idk, but it was just ginger ale going down, and then ginger ale coming back up. I HATE throwing up but this wasn’t really a stomach heaving or bile tasting experience. It was just... liquid down? Liquid back up. So even though vomiting is horrible, it wasn’t that bad.

The first time I was supposed to pee in the hospital after the surgery, I sat on the toilet for like ten minutes or something before I was able to pee. I have no idea what causes that, because I FELT like I had to and was just about to for the whole time, and finally I pressed a little gently on my belly and it happened? It was weird, but also I know that’s common.

I had a Health Care Proxy form, labeling my parents as my health care proxy’s (if I were unfit to make medical decisions, they would do it for me), but I needed it to be witnessed, and I was stressing a little about it. Apparently that’s super common because they were ready to have the nurses witness it for me, and there was no need for stress.

Taking the binder off makes everything sore and makes me feel totally woozy every time. Less so after a day, but still true. Every time it comes off it’s an Experience. 

When I first started feeling woozy, I told the nurse, and she broke open a little pad with rubbing alcohol on it (like a tiny wet wipe) and held it under my nose, and it COMPLETELY FIXED the woozy feeling. She said it doesn’t help for everybody, but it often does, and it’s a neat trick. And I’ve been using it ever since and BOY HOWDY it sure is a neat fucking trick. Sniff The Rubbing Alcohol = woozy be gone!

I keep forgetting not to reach up and adjust my pillow or scratch my head, and it pulls at stuff and gives me Regrets, but other than THAT I’m surprisingly fine?? I expected to be way more out of it, because I think that’s more common.

Wedge pillows are a godsend, even though I keep slipping down them.

Different doctors have different rules about this, but mine said I can shower tomorrow even though I’ll have the drains in for a full week-- I just have to be careful of the drains. 

I’m gonna tape my hospital bracelet into my notebook.

Honestly the worst part of this whole thing has been that the novacane they put in my sides made my fingers feel like they’d been asleep and were waking up. You know that feeling when a body part falls asleep and is waking up and if somebody touches it it’s Tingly Agony? Both of my thumbs, index fingers, and middle fingers were that. Constantly. For 24 hours. Tingly Fingers is apparently The Worst.

I’ve been lying in bed on two wedge pillows with my regular pillow behind my head (and adding two big pillows as needed when I want to sit up straighter), wearing the binder they gave me and a pajama top, on a towel. No underwear because fuck it. And right now my fiance has set up the lap table with my laptop on it for me in bed so I don’t have to do or lift anything in order to be able to write this.

Sounds like my parents just dropped off the mashed potatoes. 

All is going well!

#my life #top surgery #my thoughts #trans #readmore #just an update for anybody curious how it's going!

[laptrance]

July 28, 2020

it’s been over two years since my last entry. so much has changed. to update March 8 2018 me:

you give up on job searching atm until 4/24/18. that’s when you start reaching out to all the promotion companies from kucr. planetary was the other promotion company you remembered besides terrorbird. cirstina was super nice and chill and said they just wrapped internships for the summer but to inquire again for the fall. 

you wait those months while still working at mcdonalds. you get good at it and things are second nature to you. you still have moments where you storm out, but you get better at controlling your temper. 

you check back in august and cristina says there are positions open in the fall. it was pretty easy as they accepted you right away. you do this bat shit crazy thing where you try to balance the two. planetary internship Tuesday Thursday Friday and McDonald’s the rest of the days. you even do opening shift during the weekends (4am-12pm).

you’re mostly quiet during your internship. you participate in riyl’s. you mainly talk to cristina while mailing. you don’t open up much until hayoung joins in november i think. mcdonalds is the same as usual, but your sleep schedule’s FUKED UP.

you hear in december that maria (who worked in publicity) is quitting. cristina encourages you to apply. you talk with adam and the interview tbh goes horribly. not like you didn’t have anything to say, but everything you said was wrong LOL. you also talk to george and ben and they lay out what press does but you dont catch any of that.

christmas office party happens and you drink a lot. you open up a lot to EVERYONE, iNCLUDING BEN about your love life (embarrassing) you’re obviously too drunk to drive home, but you stay over the night with nik and alison (goth bless their souls)

you check in with adam on the position occasionally until feb. 2019 when he breaks the bad news. the position’s filled. like how can you be surprised? but you’re still upset. you’re able to turn this as a positive to use your experiences to boost your resume.

you continue to work at mcdonalds and interview at places until you get a random email from adam exactly one year after you first emailed cristina about the internship. adam offers you the job. ofc you accept. you quit mcdonalds and start with planetary on may 1.

learning publicity is one hell of a learning curve. heck, you’re still learning how to do shit even now. but you’re thrown on the deep end with Luna. not your fault. not totally kristen’s fault. but that was a crazy client. 

anyways, your sleep schedule’s still fucked up because of your commute. but at least you have free weekends now! 

some highlights of 2019: you finally get a macbook! but you have a galaxy s9 as a phone lmfao. placements in The Line of Best Fit and Paste! you get absolutely entranced with warehouse raves. you literally go to at least once a month. falling in love with queen of jeans and linking up with their publicist Jamie Coletta (she’s super cool and the best at the game), going on two (2) dates with a really nice girl named sara. you got in your head and probably fucked that up. but it really wasn’t the time. christmas party 2019. same shenanigans but this time you don’t drink as much. you really look for places to move out to with ryan and he finds a house that angeli and linda live. two people are moving out and the rooms go for $500 and $600. you get the $500 room and are set to move in on Feb 16 2020. news of a disease called coronavirus is first detected in china. this will be important later.

oh 2020. what a shite year. if i told myself the things i’ll write down below i would not believe it. but here it is. everything that has happened so far in 2020:

first cases of coronavirus appear in washington on january. you’re not too concerned about it. 

you’re working this country artist aminah hughes and land a placement in american songwriter for January 31 (1st time!). there are some issues and they post it one day later, but you weren’t as attentive as you should’ve been over the weekend.

adam talks to you about it the following monday (2/3) in a really calm matter but you beat yourself up over it. so much so that on your way home, you totally don’t notice a pedestrian crossing galloping hills and eucalyptus and run them over. everything feels like a blur, but you’re able to talk to the police, karen, and kimberly (state farm) about it. you take tuesday-thursday off.

you move in (night before you saw bored lord and octo octa until 3am wtf). you don’t have a car (for obvious reasons), but you’re able to commute to work via bus/subway (which you would’ve done anyway cause you love public transportation lol)

you’re able to return to normal life mostly until middle march. cases of the newly named COVID-19 have spread throughout the united states and you hear of workspaces transitioning over to work from home operations. planetary soon follows suit. our last day in the office is march 13.

literally the week after you start wfh animal crossing new horizons comes out. that keeps you busy for like two, three months tops. it’s also a nice way to keep in touch with friends. 

your first therapy session happens on march 31. you’re able to talk about the accident, but it’s quickly directed to self-esteem. it’s an ongoing process, but you’re slowly advancing. it’s not linear, but it’s better than doing nothing.

Bandcamp establishes “Bandcamp Day”, 24 hour periods in which the site’s share of profits go directly to artists/labels. Started in April, will continue through the end of 2020. All the money I would normally spend on concerts goes here now. That and I fall to the hands of food delivery apps (door dash wins)

your campaign with Atta Boy gets going. first track premieres at Atwood Magazine (2nd time! [1st time was with sophia st. helen, another awesome client]). band’s super happy about it (even mr. josh brolin himself gave a shout out [bias ofc]). by the end of may you land their second single on THE MOTHERFUCKING FADER (1ST TIME OBVIOUSLY). 

everything else is going surprisingly well for the most part (except for elp, but i don’t wanna talk about those fucking idiots) despite the ever-changing landscape of music journalism. huge blogs are letting people go while smaller sites are remaining mostly the same. 

On May 25, George Floyd is murdered by Minneapolis police which sparks the biggest wave of activity in the Black Lives Matter movement since Michael Brown’s death in 2014. organizing/activism is still going on to this day (7/28). 

For me personally, I’m making a conscious effort to highlight Black artists on my Bandcamp days and general sharing of music. I also joined a book club (6/18) and read “Are Prisons Obsolete” in its entirety. We’re currently reading a comic series called Bitch Planet. Deep and meaningful conversations.

the family hears news of Lola’s declining health. June 23rd (Manila time) is the day she passes away. We’re all able to say our last goodbyes via facebook video call. this is the first time i see my dad cry.

funeral takes place on june 27th. we’re able to partake in the ceremony via zoom. the first and only funeral i “attended” online (so far).

I start “fixing” myself physically. I went to physical therapy from 6/8-7/7. the exercises do wonders to my knees (ty dr. bailey!). also saw a dermatologist on 7/10. really quick appt. kinda felt rushed imo, but i was given a special sunscreen that works so far? also recommended otc meds like claritin.

ended campaign with atta boy. really sad to see them go. currently coordinating with their new managers on a possible podcast and press setup. 

and that’s pretty much it! it’s a lot of shit, i know, but it happened all within 2 years. overall i’d say we were pretty successful in finding a big-girl job and MOVING OUT, WHICH I THOUGHT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN LMFAO. as for the shit you were hung up on with angelica, you’re so much better now, but you think about the good memories from time to time. sometimes it gets you down, but you’re thankful for the memories (come through fallout boy LMFAO AHAHA FALLOUT AMIRIGHT) and you learned from your mistakes. maybe it will be another two years before i leave another update, might be less, might be more. 

but i’m extremely proud at how far i’ve come.

im proud of you, me.

#personal #do people still tag personal stuff as personal? #do people still read tags the way they do? #or is it just for clout chasing now. idk

[dinacharya]

Chapter 2. aka, Adele 25 therapy

what are tumblrs for if not for ridiculous oversharing and creeping into people’s lives you have no business being in, right? 

disclaimer: it’s a saturday night, 11:45pm to be exact, and i’m 4 hours deep into listening to Adele’s 25 album on repeat. i’ve also micro-dosed. or maybe regular dosed, depends who you ask. For all intents and purposes here, I’m calling it a micro because i very much have a grip even if my trusty wall tapestry is doing pretty things, and I had a very clear intention diving in. 

the tl;dr is that this 25-year old’s solo post-break up trip is a fucking cleanse and this is the vibe I’m fully on right now:

lol so, how did we get there: 

well waking up from last night’s binge smoking, gaming & sugar session (which was honestly much needed - shout out to the peeps who were there for that) didn’t feel the hottest, obviously. but crushed that shit with more sleep and getting back into jillian michaels* in my living room and eating a healthy lunch and whatnot. 

*side note: i’m sure she’s made millions already, but in this era with all the IG fitness models and influencers out there i still think jillian michaels is queen and underrated. 20 mins of jumping around and flailing weights, guided by her via TV is literally all i need to be like woh bitch i’m back. haha. 

now: you know how there are just those random people in your life that perhaps weren’t around all that long or maybe they had an impact on you that you only realized later? or maybe you just never shared with them how much they meant to you, because you didn’t even know. so there are a couple of those i’m going to bring up here (no names). 

starting with one - a friend from my NYC juice bar days, we spent many a wintery days and hours cooped up in that tiny shop kicking ass honestly with grade A difficult customers. she was one of my favorites to work with - so fun to laugh, with gossip with, just share a space with. i have so many fond memories of night shifts there, snow falling outside the windows. people coming in for smoothies at 10:45pm making us wonder what the fuck? 

she was stunning, tall, beautiful effortless skin and bone structure and all that, she just glowed. she was always lifting up other girls around her while shaming herself. i get it, that’s just what we do, that’s what I do. but fact is she was a straight 12/10 no question. anyways, we lost touch. we all know how that whole restaurant went down in sad flames with our owner locked up at rikers (if you don’t know of the psycho saga via vogue’s coverage, and want to hear a first-hand account, that’s for another day, it’s honestly a fun one to tell). so all the people in my life from the restaurant, who were what felt like home to me in NY, kind of faded out with time.

anyways, she’s one of those people for me that still pops into mind from time to time and i just wonder what she’s up to and miss her. so today in my idle morning of moping around, she popped into mind and a quick social media search led me to find her humble page and podcast she’s just recently started - and i ended up listening to a couple episodes because, lord knows i’m a podcast nerd. but i had a chance to hear her story and how much i didn’t know of her background when we were friends back then, and what a light she still was to those around her was pretty amazing.  she did say that her time in nyc was a bit of a blur that’s hard to remember because she was struggling at the time. it hurts my heart to know that, but at the same time i definitely can relate. generally i’d say living in nyc, as a student or not, can feel very isolating and while i have a lot of very vivid memories and recollections, a lot of that time is also a blur for me now the more distance i get from it. 

anyways, so kind of reflecting on all that this afternoon while mozy-ing around in bed was one part of today’s journey. one bit that was also huge was hearing her talk about her overeating/binge & restrictive eating disorder during that time, which is something i’ve tried to vocalize to my friends and family and even doctor but generally isn’t taken all that seriously. when in fact these habits i haven’t addressed are probably the most crucial detriment to my health. it turns out there’s such a thing as overeaters-anonymous. like AA but for people with compulsive eating problems. that’s 100% me, so this was a HUGE discovery today for me that something like this exists. i’m not going to say i’ll walk straight into a meeting this second, but i’m definitely interested. as carly whose lived with me for the last 3 years could easily tell you better than anyone else, i have a hell of a fucking problem and i don’t even know if i understand it fully myself.

part 2:

coincidentally, around mid day I happened to get a text from an old NY roommate, someone I hadn’t heard from in over a year probably, so it was pretty out of the blue. I always perceived her to be like an older sister figure, a funny lady from Malaysia with a heavy accent and a strong attitude, doing her best to fit into American culture, dating apps, heavy into the astrology shit, and all. Anyways, she hit me up because she was concerned she couldn’t find me on social media anymore (quickly resolved) and she mentioned that she enjoyed seeing my DIY stuff on IG stories and that it was serving as inspiration for some future business she’s been envisioning once she gets out of corporate life in Pittsburgh, PA. It was all endearing and sweet. i have heard from friends before that my IG could be turned into something more if i wanted to, but i’ve never had the heart to put more structure to things that just feel like natural parts of me that i want to remain free, if that makes sense. but it’s still nice to know that out there somewhere in pennsylvania the random things i do in my kitchen and share into the IG ether can serve as a little inspo for a roommate from 5 years ago. also it was just a nice reminder to self that in the same way i have these people i admire and root for and wonder about from a distance, maybe there’s room for me to be someone like that for somebody else i’ve crossed paths with. that makes me happy. 

So, part 3: hello, Adele.

i haven’t been shy about admitting the last couple months have been a struggle for me. basically since turning 25. even leading up to the big number, all year really i’d been kind of dreading what this age meant. it just feels like it’s gotta be messy whether i want it to be or not. considering every prior year has been a positive & fairly steady uphill climb, i figured at some point i’d have to pause/break/falter. don’t ask me why, age has always been something i’m glued to. (it’s funny because i don’t own a clock, the one watch i have is tucked into my wedding planner e-kit and only comes out on those days. given my job title and being a virgo and all, time has oddly never been a day to-day concern for me. (those who know me know i am never on time for anything, sorry) but i’ve always been hyper concerned about my age and the expectations (self imposed, inescapable) that come looming with it*. so birthday season usually is just a very introspective time every year where i evaluate where i’m at, the progress i’ve made, what’s holding me back, what i’m proud of, what i’m not proud of. 

*quick side story, the person i’ve dated all year always would say our age difference was nothing. but that statement always irked me because it’s far from the truth. every year 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 i’ve felt i’ve learned exponentially about myself and grown. so yeah, there’s a HUGE difference, emotionally/self-awareness, all that, between 22 and 25 if you ask me. like bless my early 20′s for being stoned fun & shit, but girl’s been putting in work too ya know?

anyways, back on track: come time for my birthday this year i didn’t really want to think too hard about it and just wanted to have fun, and i did! it was definitely one of the more fun/eventful birthdays i can recall. 

but now, 2 months post-birthday, fresh off of a break up, I’m beginning to see more clearly why I pushed all that usual introspective evaluation under the rug. essentially it’s what i’ve done all year, pretending 22 - 25 is nothing, and that all the work i’d done to get here was whatever. i’d taken steps back self-esteem wise, kind of let my work fall by the wayside just as something to do and not something i was excited about (which is more my norm), and i realize i wasnt being present in the right ways to friendships that mean the most to me. All in favor of some shiny beacon of excitement, being sucked into this vortex of conditional relationships*  and “fun” where i frankly just had no place being.

*linked there ^ is a stellar article, when you’re ready for it

THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS. seriously i don’t say this enough. I have been FREAKING BLESSED by the people who choose to be in my life. like fuck yo i know it’s FACT i have not been the most pleasant to be around or hear from this year but the true ones persisted and showed me love when I needed it most, were there for me constantly through all the thick of it and still are. like those calls every day just to chat about what the fuck ever, those random “i’m thinking of you’s” and “let’s hangs” mean so much to me in my isolated world of working from home and just being a general homebody type. let me just promise to all of you once i’m out of this present messiness, that I’ll be back on track. i’ve hated being that girl, i’ve heard myself, and i’ve hated it. so while I’ve been kind of MIA morphing into something i haven’t been proud of, thank you to every single friend who’s reminded me there was still something here worthy of your time and your energy and your attention.

*now, much less saving me, I get to start showing up for you guys better too. 

i’ve explained this to close friends before who have experienced it with me - psychedelics are one of my favorite ways to get a grip on my life. of course, i understand their role in fun experiences too, but i’ve always valued it first and foremost as a powerful mind-opening tool. (so naturally, i adore michael pollan’s latest book “how to change your mind”.) when i’m feeling overwhelmed or at a crossroads or muddled, i’ve found it to be the most affective way for me to tune into myself, see things with a fresh perspective, and commit to the choices i need to. 

so having been on a fucking ride with these breakup emotions, knee deep in self-pity, not knowing what to make of the past year, past month, past week, & where i’m at... i was like, 

why the fuck not?

just what i needed on a night to myself to give my soul a fucking cleanse. it’s a convenient weekend to have the house all to myself. read: a good place to be singing at the top of my lungs haha and doing whatever the fuck my single ass wishes all night. somehow along the way, i managed to cook up a pretty A+ tikka masala sauce and prepped a brussel sprouts salad for a dinner with friends tomorrow night, don’t ask me how. i’ve had a spiritual fucking connection to every single song on this Adele 25 album, obviously. idk why it hadn’t occurred to me until doing this that i’m now 25 listening to this album :) so all of this is to say:

Thank you, Adele.

for being a girl i can identify with who marks progress with age, unabashedly tunes into her emotions, and provides breakup comfort like no other. even though i refused to listen to this album until like a year ago

(also can we just take a moment to appreciate that Adele posted this on her own IG profile)

Thanks to those who aren’t necessarily at the frontlines of my life, but have a place in my heart, whether you know it or not, and bring forth some amazing shit or tune in at the right times.

Thank you, most sincerely, to each and every one of my friends that I won’t name here. 

Close and far, you’re the ones pulling me out of a drudge of a year where I lost myself and you’re reminding me what I love to do and who I am and it feels good to get a footing again. 

~ ciao, finally @ 1:43am.

p.s. below is THE picture of what i’ve been like for the last couple weeks ~ can always count on a new girl reference to have my back heheh

*we can also mark this as the night where i FINALLY get over my weird thing about not liking “Hello.” That shit’s a fucking masterpiece who was i to say anything otherwise hahaha

#journal #woh this some reaaal journaling huh haha

[kinetic-elaboration]

March 24: Thoughts on 4x07 Gimme Shelter

Okay, I finally watched 4x07... It’s hard to gather my thoughts on it, though. I feel like I have a lot and they’re all sort of jumbled up.

In general, I did like it. I thought it was way better than the last two episodes, both of which I kind of hated tbh, especially 4x05. There were some weak points and some things I didn’t quite get or would quibble over but my overall feeling is a positive one. I liked the two main story lines, I thought there were several really good moments, and I was impressed with the episode’s ability to actually have a coherent and clear theme.

The Arkadia/Bellamy Story:

One of my big complaints this season has been that story line after story line after story line lacks tension because the general structure of the episode and the season make the outcome of the alleged conundrum predictable. This time, for once, I actually felt the sort of tension I felt when watching season 2 (well, okay, a slightly weaker version of it)--I actually didn’t know what was going to happen. Maybe that’s weak of me and I should have known that Bellamy wouldn’t be able to save Mark and Peter but I was still hoping for a last minute solution (unlike previous story lines, saving the Coltons wouldn’t have made overall survival any more or less likely, so it wasn’t completely insane to think that Bellamy could have been successful). The last scene before he loses contact with them, stuck in the Rover, was like... honestly a nightmare scenario for me, I mean this literally, I have had nightmares on exactly this theme, searching for some solution to some problem and finding none, so I was definitely emotionally compromised by it.

I was also very pleased that--even though Bellamy’s obsession with the Coltons was obviously from start to finish a surrogate for his worry about Octavia--we finally got to hear someone mention a member of the 100. I really thought I’d have to give up on anyone caring about that particular affiliation ever again. Literally everyone other than the named members of the 100 (by my count...8 people?) has completely disappeared into the ether so I was really beyond excited to hear someone talk about someone else as “one of the 100″ again.

You know how before S3 there was this talk about Bellamy being acknowledged as a hero finally and then instead his character was totally assassinated? LOL I feel like that statement should have been prefaced with “IN SEASON 4″ so at least I could have known how long I’d have to wait for heroic Bellamy to come back from war. I’m not saying this is the first time we’ve seen him since season 2 because it’s obviously not, but still, I loved it, I loved seeing him intense and devoted and trying so very hard.

I also really liked the Bellamy and Kane conversation toward the end, over the Rover radio. This is probably bad of me, but I laughed when Bellamy said “You floated my mom” not because it’s funny but just how sudden it was, like, ‘I hear you trying to be my dad and you’re not my dad!!!’ Also because I like when characters’ pasts are things that like actually still exist since that’s pretty hit and miss with this show. Also because I personally head canon Kane as a prosecutor figure on the Ark and this semi-confirms this view (or we’re just supposed to read the line as being like ‘you, a council member, were generally responsible for my mom’s death’ which is also possible).

I still maintain that Harper has negligible personality but I did like her little mini theme-reinforcing story line here.

Oh also today’s story reinforces what I’ve thought this whole season, which was that Jasper’s little trick about committing suicide by standing out in the “black rain” was not as reprehensible as people think, in fact not reprehensible at all, because if it were black rain he would have felt it right away so like he was obviously not in danger--it’s not his fault that other people are dumb and fell for such fakery lol.

The Island Story Line

This one is more complicated for me. I liked a lot of things about it but I also had some...uncertainties about it and it’s hard to separate the two.

First, the moral issue of the day... Okay, yes, as an initial matter, I still have enough of a soul to be disgusted by the idea of forcibly experimenting on people, like I’m not a completely heartless bitch (even though I think a lot of my episode reactions make me seem that way). But because I have no idea who this Grounder fellow is, and because he really fortuitously just fell into their laps--more on my thoughts on this later--it’s hard for me to feel what I think the full impact of the moral conundrum is. Just as I didn’t really, viscerally, emotionally care about the 4x02 slaves because I didn’t know who they are, I don’t really care about Baylis or whoever he is because he’s pretty much the definition of a rando. I would much, much, much rather a character I didn’t even know existed 24 hours ago die and all my faves live than my faves take the moral high road and give themselves up to death to save some dude I know literally nothing about.

So what I’m trying to say is that I’m stuck between ‘this is really gross’ and ‘this isn’t gross enough.’ The arrival of Baylis is such an obvious narrative out, a having cake and eating it too scenario: you’ll see our heroes doing something bad, but not, like, REALLY bad, don’t worry. But can I really be upset about that? My revulsion is going to limited anyway because disgust at medical experiments is sort of a theme we’ve already traveled on this show so I’ve built up a tolerance and also... if Abby et. al. were really the new Mt. Weather and I felt the same way about them as I felt about,, say Dr. Tsing in S2, I couldn’t still continue to identify with them as the protagonists of the story. So the narrative is necessarily somewhat constrained in that way.

Speaking of Mt. Weather...have the Sky People learned nothing from their own past experiences?? Yes, today’s moral conundrum was about whether to do the experiment to see if bone marrow works as a treatment, but if it DOES, then the next moral conundrum seems incredibly obvious to me and I’m just wondering why no one has brought it up? Like Abby was literally tortured by the last people who thought using others’ bone marrow was a good idea? You’d think she’d remember that. Maybe I’m just missing something, in which case I’m going to feel very dumb, but it’s sort of hard not to associate bone marrow with Mt. Weather in the context of this show. From S2 I learned that one person’s bone marrow can supply something like 8 people with radiation inoculation--if you’re willing to kill the “donor.” So unless Luna’s bone marrow is going to be used in a very different way, for example as like the basis for a synthetic bone marrow style substance, which maybe is where they’re going but it wasn’t very clear to me at least on an initial watch, they can save 8 people if they’re willing to kill her which seems...not great. (Really, thinking about this, their plan HAS to be using something IN her marrow to make a magic solution substance, right? Like there’s no way that’s not the plot.)

That being said at least we’re not going into fucking space I mean WOW THAT WAS SO DUMB I’M STILL NOT OVER HOW DUMB IT WAS. Still a waste of like 2 episodes but I’ll forgive them as long as I never hear “let’s just fly away into space like nbd” ever again.

As I was saying about Baylis. I’m all over the place on my thoughts on this. In general, I do feel like his appearance is super convenient, as I said above, especially since prior to this we’ve literally never heard of anyone else being on the island, of “scavengers,” or of particular Bad People in Emori’s past (besides, you know, her whole family who kicked her out--but that’s fairly obviously not who Baylis allegedly is). We heard some talk about ‘worse things than drones’ on the island but nothing as specific as what we got in this episode. And if random Grounders really are the ‘worse things’ we were forewarned about, by the way, what a disappointment. I was waiting for genetically engineered monsters. Yet again, The 100 meta writers >> The 100′s actual writers. My problem with contrived narratives like this is that they take me out of the story. All I can think is ‘I see you writers, pulling the strings, constructing this narrative.’ That’s a fine thing to think AFTER watching or maybe on a second or third rewatch but a well constructed story shouldn’t feel like a narrative on the first viewing, imo. You should be feeling it too deeply to be analyzing it on the level of construction.

So I thought it was heavy-handed. And I also was sitting there wondering “when is someone FINALLY going to bring up that Baylis would be a great experimental subject???” Because I had come to that conclusion during his fight with Emori--back to the ‘this season is predictable’ theme I guess. I didn’t think the Dramatic Moment of Clarke suggesting experimenting on him was earned because, like, duh, why else was he even written into the show except to be a test subject? However, I will give this point a little bit of slack because of that final scene: finding out that Emori was acting the entire time--that, within the universe of the show, SHE was pulling the strings--made a lot of the earlier obviously-contrived-ness forgivable. Like, okay, it feels fake, but that’s because it IS.

And about Emori... Unpopular opinion time. I liked her, was intrigued by her, when she was introduced in S2. But I found her very lackluster (in terms of writing/conception, not in terms of performance) in S3. I didn’t think the writers really developed her in any way. I realize this could be disputed with textual evidence, for example, how she goes from trusting no one but her brother, to trusting and relying on Murphy, or how she learns to accept her deformity. But I’m talking more, I don’t know, emotionally, I just couldn’t see what difference she made to the story, I just couldn’t connect with her. I feel like she is largely a female Grounder version of Murphy, but less compelling because I know her less and see less of her. Her constant sole motivating factor is her own survival, which makes her very predictable and one-note. Similarly, her relationship with Murphy bores me because we never saw it develop, all of the getting together stuff happened off screen, and then once they were together they basically became like the same character twice over, interacting with itself.

BUT I really did like Emori in this episode. And I finally saw something in her that was compelling to me: how incredibly, incredibly sharp she is. Like that con she played, it wasn’t just on Clarke or on Murphy, it was on ME. I guess in a way I’m saying she earned my respect.

Also Luisa D’Oliviera’s voice is gorgeous, like why have I not noticed that before? When she and Clarke were walking in the woods in particular, ugh, beautiful.

I’m still not really on the Murphy/Emori ship but I will admit they were hella cute in this episode.

I don’t know how Murphy learned how to cook but I like that he does. I also like this “Murphy flirts with everyone” trait they’ve decided to give him these last couple of seasons. I definitely saw him as more ‘awkward boy trying to be cool’ in early Season 1 but I guess all of his experiences have just thrown him into the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude, which frees him up to flirt with everyone for fun and without worry.

But...what the fuck is a randzi?

One (more?) complaint about this story line though: The impact of the Baylis story was lessened considerably as it was told, imo, in that I could never quite get a purchase on WHAT he had (allegedly) done to Emori--maybe this is just my prurient interest, but I thought they cut a lot of corners in just painting him as a generically abusive bad guy. Sometimes I was tempted to read him as an abusive ex-boyfriend...but he also abused her brother and then there’s that ‘scared little girl’ line. Was he one of the people who cast her out? She talks about that event but also says it happened when she was an infant, so this must be someone she met later...I suppose someone who took advantage of her and her brother’s vulnerability while they were on their own. I eventually settled on a non-literal Bad Uncle type. I’m not saying I need a play-by-play on the abuse, but it just...I was constantly trying to figure out exactly what they were talking about and it started to feel a little contrived (again), how generically he was painted as A Bad Person Just Trust Me He’s Bad. But then that last scene makes me think...was it contrived on purpose? Maybe. Still, Emori’s abuser is, apparently, a real person: Murphy’s line toward the end is “He’s not the guy?” not “The story was fake?” So if the story was real, Emori could have used real details if she’d wanted--the details weren’t hidden from the viewer because she was bullshitting the whole thing but because, I can only assume, the writers were too lazy to write them in, and that, I don’t respect.

Oh, also, that line about saving themselves first and then restoring their humanity, that Kane says, is another one of those faux-deep The 100 lines that I always have to roll my eyes at (like “I bear it so they don’t have to” when Clarke says it, or “No one is innocent” when divorced from its original context, or my personal favorite “You don’t ease pain you overcome it” or whatever that 3x16 nonsense was). Again, did Mt. Weather teach you nothing? Once you’ve done something SO BAD that it erases your humanity itself, it’s gone; you don’t get it back. Maybe if someone actually listened to Dante we wouldn’t still be having these problems lol.

Also also: I’m still on the fence about these Ultra Modern Aesthetics like in Becca’s lab and house, but it was nice seeing Clarke shower, look clean, and rest. And I liked the almost horror-movie scene where she first sees there’s been an intruder in the house. But...was there blood on the pillow of that bed or am I just totally imagining things??

Octavia and Ilian

Two hotties I don’t care about, basically.

I honestly cannot conceive of anything Ilian could do or say that would make me care about him ever so.

I get why Octavia is Annoyingly Dramatic: she’s sixteen. She’s sixteen with an added dose of stunted emotional growth from literally knowing only 2 human beings for most of her life. But that doesn’t make her dead inside emo child bit any less obnoxious to me. (I realize I am a semi-hypocrite about this given some things I DO like and even worse some things I’ve actually written myself but shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

I know everyone saw I/O coming from a million miles away and so did I but that doesn’t make it any less nonsense. That said...I wouldn’t mind seeing Octavia become a sheep herder. I mean I’m so tired of her current state of being that anything would be a nice change of pace but like a real 180 about-face might be kind of refreshing. It might be nonsense...but when was the last time O wasn’t nonsense? Like at least it would be relaxing nonsense.

And on the trailer: Yes Jasper. Yes Miller is finally back from his extended spa vacation or whatever he was doing.

#the 100 #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #john murphy #emori #s4 reactions #the year 2017 #2017: fandom thoughts #2017: the 100 s4 #the 100 spoilers

[allyinthekeyofx]

Fading Light 1/24

Fading Light AllyinthekeyofX Summary: Scully's cancer returns and hope comes at a high price. Notes: I wrote the first 6 chapters to this way back in 2001 and just never finished it....until last year. Yay me! lol PART ONE Prologue My Father once told me that secrets are like old wounds. That no matter how skilfully we hide the scars, they are still there, lingering beneath the surface. Invisible to the eye, but all too obvious if we take the time to really feel them. There are no good secrets. Even the ones we hide in our hearts to protect the people we love will eventually find a way to push themselves up through the layers of deception. I've discovered that we can never hope to protect through lies and after all, isn't a secret just another name for a lie? Semantics Mulder would laugh if he could hear me now. Arguing with myself as I lay, eyes wide open, staring up at the patterns made by the street lamps refracted through the rain that streams down my window. I'm not sure what time it is. I don't seem to sleep much, which is strange, because all I want to do at this moment is close my eyes and sink down into its welcoming arms. To escape from the accusatory voices in my head for a short while would be wonderful, but I just can't seem to relax enough. If I'm honest with myself though, I'm well aware of the reason for my insomnia. It is guilt; pure and simple. I have a secret, and no matter how often I tell myself that I am keeping it from him to protect him, I still feel its presence every minute of every day. I keep it hidden because in doing so I am attempting to shield him from a truth he is ready to neither hear nor accept. Every day I keep the truth from him is another day spent tiptoeing around him, so afraid that he will look into my eyes and see my lies. It was easy in the beginning. Mulder was still shattered over the death of his Mother and I was there for him as he fell apart piece by harrowing piece, supporting him as he has supported me throughout our partnership. I watched over him like the proverbial mother hen as his quest threatened to take him over the edge, ready to drag him back should the need have arisen. For once he didn't need me to catch him and as each day passed he learned more facts behind his sister's disappearance and finally, finally I was rewarded when he came back to me. Not entirely at peace sure - we have seen and experienced too much for that ever to happen - but I saw the stress literally roll off him as, in his own words, he was set free. How can I take that sense of peace away from him now? I have remained silent, promising myself, as I promise myself now, that tomorrow I will tell him. It's ironic in a way, because even I don't believe it anymore. XXXXXXXXX Chapter 0ne Mulder is not in the sweetest of moods. He tries his best to hide it, but it was obvious from the moment he arrived flustered and dishevelled at my door this morning. I'm not sure exactly why we started this whole car pool thing. It certainly wasn't out of any sense of wanting to save the planet, it just kind of happened. I had offered Mulder a ride home one night when he was without his car - I can't remember why he was without it - and he decided it was only right and proper to return the favour. It seems to have set a pattern now that neither of us is willing to break, and it's strange really, but I kind of enjoy it. I like the fact that his face is the first one that greets me every morning. Usually I like it that is. But on days like today, when he is edgy and tense, I wish to hell I could just make him stop the damn car so I can escape out in to the clogged Washington streets and hail a cab. We have hardly spoken during the ride in, just the barest early morning pleasantries. No small talk, no innuendo, no teasing glances. In fact, so far all Mulder has given me is the charming view of his set profile as he keeps his eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead. We are running late for the office, which is never a good thing, especially not today. Today is the second Wednesday in the month. Second Wednesdays mean inter-departmental meetings. Which in turn usually mean bureaucratic scrutiny of our recently submitted expense reports. I hate the meetings almost as much as Mulder does. The difference being, that I don't tend to show it quite as blatantly. But at least we no longer have to suffer the dubious pleasure of AD Kersch as we attempt to justify flying halfway across the country on nothing more substantial than some redneck's sighting of lights in his cow field. Skinner is no less forgiving when we balls things up, but he’s more used to it and therefore more accepting of it. Mulder mutters something under his breath as the car in front slows down to a virtual crawl. I don't bother trying to figure out what it was. The very fact that we are attempting to negotiate rush hour traffic pretty much tells me that whatever it was, it wasn't pleasant and certainly has no need for a response from me. So instead, I just lean my head against the seat rest and close my eyes against the headache that is beginning to pulse at the centre of my forehead. I think that the headaches were the first clear sign that something wasn't right, although for a couple of weeks I was able to pretty much deny their existence. Self-denial is a powerful force, a bit like encasing a broken ankle in a plaster cast. The pain is gone, pushed in to the background, and it's almost impossible to imagine that the broken bone ever happened at all. Until of course you walk on it at the wrong angle and the pain is back to remind you to take more care. That's how it was with me. Only my versions of the plaster cast were non-prescription pain pills. Until they weren't enough, even when foolishly, I was taking well over the required dosage. And then came the day when I couldn't deny it any longer. I remember it vividly. A Saturday spent shopping with my Mother I was in so much pain I could hardly stand. She noticed of course and I remember making vague assurances that I was fine, made my excuses and headed for home. I made it through the door, watched as the room began to spin in that endearing way I had come to recognize from scant years back in the early manifestations of the disease, and woke up three hours later on the floor, still clutching my house keys in my hand. I wish now with all my heart that I had answered the basic need that pounded incessantly in my head. Call Mulder. Instead I had called Dr Zuckerman. Every day since then, I have been trying to find the right words, the right moment, to broach the subject with Mulder, and right along with it, I have found a thousand excuses as to why now isn't the right time. Of course I realize that the right time is never going to happen, and that the longer I keep putting it off, the harder it's going to get. Especially since I have already decided that this time, treatment to prolong the inevitable is not an option for me and whilst I don’t profess to really know or understand exactly what my ‘cure’ entailed the last time around, I am smart enough to realise that its mechanism would never be found written on a treatment protocol. So I have opted to do nothing. To wait out the inevitable. I will continue to work for as long as I can. Until I’m once again incapable. But for how long I can keep up the pretence is anyone’s guess. Not to mention the fact that Mulder is neither stupid nor blind. Eventually he will figure this thing out for himself, and deep down, I can't help wondering if he already suspects something. A paranoid little voice is whispering that I am the reason for his dark mood this morning. Which when I think about it is ridiculous. Oh yeah. Guilt really sucks. Suddenly, I am catapulted from my musings and transported violently back in to the here and now as Mulder curses loudly, swerving the car savagely to the left even before the word is fully formed on his lips. "FUCK!" I'm not entirely sure what he has seen to provoke such a reaction. Mulder rarely, if ever curses aloud. And then I hear it. A sound I have become so attuned to over the years I could recognize it in my sleep. The sound of gunfire. Close by. My senses hone in on the sound, and beside me Mulder is already moving, unbuckling his Seat belt and reaching for the door handle in one fluid movement. Even as I automatically follow his lead I am still searching for answers as to why exactly we have come to a halt in the middle of rush hour traffic. But, like pieces of a jigsaw the answers fall together as I finally see what he sees. My years on the job have taught me to assimilate information pretty quickly. Headache or not, this is no exception. In the space of a heartbeat my consciousness has thrown several words at me. Bank. Alarms. Guns. Robbery Great. Just another fun day in the lives of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, where even a ride to work has the capacity to become a fucked up nightmare. The shoes I chose to wear today are definitely not made for pounding the pavement. More blisters for me tonight. Mulder of course doesn't have quite the same fashion impairment and even before I have fully cleared the car door he has taken off like a track star, waving his gun around and cutting a swath through the early morning streets like Moses parting the Red Sea. He can move pretty fast for a guy approaching forty, and, whilst I am not exactly a slug myself, an extra six inches of leg length makes all the difference and I find myself trailing further and further behind. As I run, I can hear Mulder shouting something, but the wind is against me and his words are lost in the slipstream making them almost unintelligible. Instead, I concentrate on keeping him in sight. The perp is somewhere ahead and by the pace Mulder is keeping, seems to have no intention of giving up the fight easily. I'm not sure what happens next. A deafening sound that threatens to split my now pounding head in two; Mulders horrified shout. "SCULLY!" A blow that stops me in my tracks and slams me to the ground. It's funny actually, because even as I am aware of falling, I don't feel anything other than a faint buzzing in my head as the pavement rushes up to meet me. No pain, no fear and certainly no understanding as to what has just happened. But through the white noise that surrounds me, I hear another gunshot. And then another. The sound seems to act as a catalyst for my own awareness and the dreamlike quality I had wallowed in for maybe a couple of seconds is replaced by a burning hot pain that seems to radiate through my whole body. Shit. This really hurts. I am reminded of the time when I fell out of the tree house that my brother Bill had spent the summer building with his cronies. I had been mercilessly chased away every time I dared show my face. A seven year old younger sister - a girl - had not been welcome in that den of pre-pubescent masculinity. So, tomboy that I was, I had snuck over there one night and undertaken the precarious climb through the twisted boughs to reach what was forbidden to me; I'd made it up ok -getting down though had been a different undertaking all together and trees tend not to be very forgiving to seven year olds who don't have the sense to realize when they are way out of their depth. I nursed a broken wrist for the rest of the summer, and it had taken years for me to forget the white hot pain I felt as that fragile bone snapped cleanly.. But, with typical childhood resilience I had forgotten. Until now that is. Flesh wounds hurt. Gunshot wounds hurt. Damaged bones hurt like a bitch. I'm unsure as to how much time has elapsed since I first heard Mulder shout out my name although I suspect it is no more than a few seconds at most. Mulder Shit, where is he? Three shots Dana. Count em. Three. Oh Fuck. My eyes snap open, which in itself is futile really because I can't seem to focus on anything other than the pavement which is tilting at an impossible angle before me. I can just make out a collection of coloured blobs in the near distance and although they are fuzzy around the edges I am able to recognize them as being human. From their size and shape I am also able to determine that they are crouched down, hugging the ground as thought their lives depend on it. But my only thought right now is for Mulders well being. Nothing else matters to me and not for the first time I am aware that what I feel for him goes way beyond the accepted boundaries of our friendship, because, had it been anyone other than Mulder, I would just close my eyes and allow myself some respite from the terrible pain that now overwhelms me. But sometimes, even the purest love cannot conquer the frailties of the human body. As I shift my weight fractionally to the right in order to release the arm that is trapped beneath me, I am engulfed in a wave of agony so intense that despite myself I close my eyes and scream. Maybe I screamed out his name. I don't know. But it doesn't matter anyway. Nothing matters except the sudden feeling of Mulders hands on my face, smoothing away the hair that is plastered against my cheeks. And I hear his voice from far away. He is frightened. I have frightened him. Just like he's frightened me in the past. So much fear for two people to bear in a lifetime. "Sssshhhhhhh Scully, It's ok....don't try to move...it's gonna be ok. Ssssshhhhhhh." Slowly the pain diminishes a fraction and I am able to open my eyes again. Maybe a little of the initial shock has subsided, or perhaps a gnawing desperation that needs me to know he's ok, allows me to finally focus enough to look deep in to his eyes. Mulder has beautiful eyes, the most expressive eyes I have ever seen in my life. I could easily lose myself in their depths, which is why I don't allow myself to stare in to them too often. Right now he is fighting tears and not making a very fine job of it. I know how he feels. I've been there too. I've watched him hurting far more times than I care to remember and each and every time I have found myself crying real tears for him when he has been unable to shed his own. Just like he is crying for me now. Despite the pain, I am able to shakily reach up a hand that feels like a dead weight and catch that first tear as it escapes its confines. Watching as it traces a crystalline trail down my finger. I want to speak, to let him know I'm fine, but just that small movement has left me as weak as a day old kitten snatched from its Mother and I just want to close my eyes and sleep. Instead, I fix my gaze on his; attempting to communicate to him through sight what I am unable to do with speech. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you Mulder. And now it's too late. He is going to find out. My secret is no longer going to be mine alone and I need to hang on to consciousness for as long as I can, because, I know that if I close my eyes now, the next time I open them, everything will have changed. Continued chapter 2 #fan fic #cancer #it's a bit heavy on the angst #msr #rst

[thatbookcritic]

Kingdom Hearts 3

Title: Kingdom Hearts 3

Media: Video Game

Developer: Square Enix

Criticism written by: Kai

Editor: Julie

The Review:

Hey there everyone. I just finished playing Kingdom Hearts 3 and I need to vent about it. What better way than to do a review on it. I’m simultaneously amazed but disappointed by the game. It’s beautifully crafted and hit all the right notes for the nostalgia. There were many occasions that got me to tear up as I recall my childhood that this game shaped. Yet despite the shine and sparkle that was the gameplay, design, and music; the story was extremely lackluster. For the story that were all waiting for, it wasn’t delivered properly and it was cheap. I’m sure many of you have already seen “kingdom hearts 3 disappointment” appearing on your search recommendations when you type up the title. I know there are those who like the game and others who are defending it tooth and nail, but I hope you all can understand that nothing is immune to criticisms and improvement.

That being said, this is all a warning for you all about spoilers. If you haven’t played the game yet, I highly recommend doing so before reading my review. For those who stayed, let’s review Kingdom Hearts 3.

Before actually talking about the story, I want to first say that I won’t dive into the lore and past games of the series. I’m going off the assumption that everyone reading this review knows the story and all the information pertaining to the series. If you need a refresher, I suggest looking up a TL;DR video on youtube about all the games.

Anyways, Kingdom Hearts 3 immediately picks up from Dream Drop Distance. Sora failed his Mark of Mastery test while Riku passed. Riku and Mickey went on to the realm of darkness to save Aqua. Sora, on the other hand, is tasked to go to other worlds and try to reclaim the “power of waking”. Skipping over the disney worlds since they’re literally not important for the big picture here, Sora learns about the three people who are currently living in his heart and how to free them via replicas and finding Ventus’s real body. It’s just one big scramble where team light is trying to find their seven members and team dark flexing on them by going “lol we got our 13 members already.” There’s also some side story about Maleficent and Pete looking for a black box but that’s never addressed except once by team Sora. Moving on, Sora saves Aqua which then leads into Aqua waking Ventus. From this point, the game goes from 0 to 100 in pacing. The team jumps straight into the final battle quest. Fought an army of heartless and nobodies, Kairi ex machina (will explain later), killed 12 members of darkness, exposition, final battle, “the villain was misguided!”, cliffhanger, epilogue, and secret end. That’s literally the chain of events at the end of the game. I finished this final portion in under 2 hours…. With breaks in between.

If you seen people complaining about how short this game was, they aren’t joking. This game is insanely short for what it should have been. The story was at least 24 hours long… that might sound like a long time but it’s not. At least, not a long time for a game. Kingdom Hearts 3 was released on January 29. Eight days passed and there are already guides on where you can find all the collectables. Eight days after a release date… that’s insane. You might say it’s due to “speed runners” or devoted fans with too much free time, but as a casual player myself, this was a short game. I finished it just under 24 hours… and that was me taking long periods of breaks (dealing with friends, going to work, doing chores, ect.) Needless to say, the story had a lot of wiggle room to expand instead of rushing to tie up loose ends.

Another thing to point out is the number of worlds included in the game. There weren’t a lot, let me tell you that. Just eight worlds (excluding the Final World and Caelum). Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2 have about 14 worlds each (excluding the other games since they aren’t “main” games). Some might argue that even if there’s less worlds, there’s more content in each world. I say bullshit. Are you talking about the mini games and collectables from the worlds? I bought this game for the main story, not the mini games. If I wanted mini games, I would have gotten mario party instead. As for the story each world present, they didn’t take long to complete… the story may be longer than other games but I still managed to finish two worlds for one sitting… one world if I’m getting rushed by my mom to go to bed lol. Needless to say, this part of the game wasn’t it chief.

Finally, let’s talk about story here. When it comes to Kingdom Hearts, you kinda gotta accept that the story isn’t going to make 100% sense, have plot holes, inconsistency, and lots of recons. That’s just how Kingdom Hearts gonna be but the story was still good. If a story can suspend your disbelief for the entire ride, then it’s a good story. And Kingdom Hearts is good at “story first, questions later”. But with this, the pacing is so fast that it broke the fantasy way too soon.

Now… in anticipation for Kingdom Hearts 3, I ran through all the lore and game stories once again to have a good idea on what’s going on. Leading into KH3, there was a long list of tasks that was left over from all the previous games. We have to save the Birth by Sleep crew. We have to save Roxas, Namine, and Xion. Sora isn’t a Keyblade Master. We got Xehanort and his norted group. The Masters of Master and his black box. The Keyblade war. The Dandelions. Maleficent and more. We got a long checklist here yet the script writers seem to just… gloss over all these details. With how long these cutscenes are, I’m honestly surprised how fast they zoom past the story. Honestly, there were many points where the writers could expand on something and actually lead to more gameplay. For example, for saving Roxas, Namine, and Xion. They just toss these three at the very end in one scene before moving to the next. Like… lmao what? It would have been interesting if they had Kairi… you know, actually being useful and chilling in Radiant Garden or something. Goes up to emo scientist and be like “Yo! Let me just free Namine in your conveniently placed replica and… boom!” Maybe toss in like “I remember this place” and give some background about Kairi. Then with Namine, she could have been useful in drawing up memories about Xion which would lead into that quest. These three could have been a great main quest in unlocking for main story. Would have been also great to see some interactions between Ventus and Roxas too and toss in a bullshit explanation on why they look the same. The same with how Vanitas look like Sora; instead of, again, glossing over it at the end. There’s just… so much where the writers could have expanded on and actually make the game a bit longer to make it more satisfying to play. Yes, I understand this was supposed to be the end of Xehanort’s arc but it was distastefully done. It was cheap and rushed. That ending where it’s revealed the Xehanort opened Kingdom Hearts to bring the worlds back together and was more or less well meaning about the whole thing (basically, he’s not doing this for the shits and giggles) but it doesn’t explain anything still. I honestly think it was an idea given to him and not something he came up on his own, judging on his ending cutscenes about him. Can I point out how funny it is that Xehanort was a more fleshed out character than fucking Kairi… a main character? Oh my god, this fucking bitch. Kairi is so useless storytelling wise. She’s just a deus ex machina for anytime Sora feels down in the dumps and only there to get kidnapped. “I’ll protect you Sora!” *Immediately gets kidnapped after*. Even in the one time she fights by our side, she instantly dies on me and left killing three bosses on Sora and Axel. She’s not even good canon fodder like Donald or Goofy in a fight. Just… there’s so much this game could have done with story and it just failed.

Some people might use the argument that we have high expectations for this game so “of course you would get disappointed.” Honestly, yeah! This is a valid point and we’re in the right for having high expectations. I don’t see how this was our fault? We all literally waited 14 years for this game. We were given all these puzzle pieces and waiting to see the finish picture. The hype was massive… and don’t say that it was just the fan’s hype. It was very much advertised to be the “conclusion” for Kingdom Hearts. The trailers that advertised the “end”, the names of the songs being used for this game (“Face my fears” and “Don’t think twice”), the fact that this is the third game (when it comes to series in media they usually end in trilogies (but of course I’m not saying that this is absolute)). It’s just that the hints that the developers were giving us were making us think in a certain direction… that is deception… and it wasn’t a good trick. Another argument to tackle is that: “A lot of time passed. You’re expecting the same thing as the original games. You’re not the same person as before, so you won’t experience it the same way anymore.” It’s one thing if you’re harping that the game doesn’t give you “the feels” anymore, that argument fit this issue. But it’s entirely different from the disappointment of reading a half assed story, no matter the age, I think anyone would be annoyed. I also want to toss out the argument of “You’re not the marketed audience”. Then… who’s the marketed audience then? People who aren’t fans of the game? This is the third main game in a series with a crazy fucking lore. You kinda need to be a fan to keep up here, mate. This isn’t an issue about age. The fact that there’s disney characters in it should be a sign that this game isn’t going over a pg-13 rating. So most people aren’t expecting a mature, “adult” story here. But we are expecting a “good” story… and that is an issue everyone can relate to. You! You are a consumer! You can expect more from a creator sometimes! I agree on respecting a creator’s visions, art, ect. I’m a writer myself. But at some point, you gotta realize that some people would shit in a bucket and try to sell it to you as art. Be a little critical sometimes. It’s fine. If anything, creators want some criticisms to know where to improve. So just don’t take this sitting down!

Kingdom Hearts 3 was an good game if you’re looking at this objectively. But for what it could have been… well… just wasted potential. Pity.

Overall Score: 6/10

(Btw, if anyone want some theories about Kingdom Hearts 4, I believe that they’re going to tie it in to us. The player. I mean, besides the obvious secret ending where it looks like the real world (we can use the same ending to point toward The World Ends With You so this isn’t strong enough evidence). I’m mostly basing this on a storytelling perspective and Union X. From a storytelling point, Kingdom Hearts tackled every single trope so far. Time travel, doppelgangers (the replicas), amnesia, multiple selves, body possessions, time passing at a different rate, alternative worlds, data worlds, ect. We can go on, but the one trope they haven’t touched yet is the 4th wall. I honest to god wouldn’t be surprised that they would do this for both storytelling but to also say a big “thank you” to the player. They already got closed to it by including the usernames of players from Union X in the Heartless Tornado. Talking about Union X, there’s still the Dandelions. Based on the current story known, the Dandelions are keyblade welders who are still alive in the dream realm… one of the welders being you… the player.  Also, the alternative game at the end that Master Eq- however you spell his name, talked about. It was seven darkness but an unknown amount of light. I suspect that it’s a number flip from the original 13 darkness and 7 light. It would make sense if you do a counting of the current cast. Sora, Riku, Kairi, Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Terra, Ventus, Aqua, Axel, Xion, and Roxas (I’m excluding Namine for now since she can’t fight). 12 fighters, right? Well… it becomes 13 if you count yourself since… we are fighting through Sora. Well… I could just be egotistical and give the writers way too much credit lol.)

#kingdom hearts 3 #review #kh3 spoilers #opinion #more of a story review than function review

[junker-town]

Washington Huskies fans hated ESPN’s coverage of their team on Saturday, and it’s not hard to see why

From Kirk Herbstreit’s Chris Petersen response to literal cupcakes to other sniping during UW’s game, ESPN made a top-10 team’s fan base feel attacked.

West Coast sports fans often complain about East Coast Bias. Sports media and the majority of sports fans being based east of the Pac-12 and Mountain West mean those conferences receive less attention and often end up with unsavory kickoff times, limiting exposure for quality athletes.

“We want to play at 1 o’clock [PT]. It hurts us tremendously in terms of national exposure. No one wants to watch our game on the East Coast that late, and we all know it.” Washington head coach Chris Petersen said before the Huskies’ 38-7 win over Cal. “It is painful for our team. It’s painful for our administration. And we know certainly the most important part is (it’s painful) for our fans.”

On College GameDay, ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit countered by arguing UW should be grateful to be on TV at all, more or less.

Kirk Herbstreit says Washington "should be thanking ESPN" for airing Washington games, regardless of kickoff time https://t.co/54Hu34AA1N http://pic.twitter.com/w8l6TsSzde

— Deadspin (@Deadspin) October 7, 2017

Many hours later, during UW’s beatdown of Cal, ESPN’s Quint Kessenich used a trio of cupcakes to illustrate the Huskies’ non-conference schedule of Rutgers, Montana, and Fresno State.

In case you wanted to see the cupcake schedule thing for yourself: http://pic.twitter.com/U5RXEqwRDi

— Kevin Shockey (@KevinShockey) October 8, 2017

That is a light schedule, yeah. And Kessenich uses food props every week, to illustrate all sorts of topics ...

Quint Kessenich says the loser of the UCLA-Stanford game might be toast http://pic.twitter.com/MqwZPKiKUX

— Dr. Saturday (@YahooDrSaturday) September 24, 2017

Threading our @QKessenich with food GIFs so we can see what sandwich he makes at the end of the year. We need meat, Quint. http://pic.twitter.com/KKgUbEibq8

— Dr. Saturday (@YahooDrSaturday) October 1, 2017

... but it’s still easy to see how Washington fans could’ve been pushed over the edge by that object lesson, considering it came on the same day and via the same network as that Herbstreit lecture and during the same broadcast as this:

“[Petersen’s] entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts," analyst Rod Gilmore said on air. "And his facts were wrong on this.”

Gilmore and Mark Jones then noted the fact that despite the timeslots and a weak schedule last season, the Huskies made the College Football Playoff.

Jones also called Petersen "the irascible and somewhat cantankerous head coach," complaining about Petersen's lack of a sit-down with the broadcast team, even though that is standard practice for Petersen, no matter the network.

By the end, Washington fans were furious with the whole Saturday.

Lol they thought coach pete declined em now, just wait til he listen to this game they never gone see him again lol

— Kevin King (@King_kevvoo) October 8, 2017

"Irascible and cantankerous" Chris Petersen. ESPN continues to pile on tonight.

— Dick Fain (@dickfain) October 8, 2017

ESPN really not pulling any punches with their narratives today when it comes to Washington. Props for non conference schedule. http://pic.twitter.com/VRo7Szyuw4

— Lindsey Thiry (@LindseyThiry) October 8, 2017

Loving how @espncfb rips #UDUB for weak schedule with Fresno State and then complements #Bama ... who also played Fresno State

— UW Dawg Pound (@UWonSBN) October 8, 2017

BREAKING: ESPN announces it hates grunge music, clam chowder, the Space Needle, mountain ranges, salt water, and is happy the Sonics left.

— Steve Sandmeyer (@SteveSandmeyer) October 8, 2017

Hey @espn you forgot something...#huskies #faircoverage http://pic.twitter.com/czQu8M0AF5

— Tyler (@tysseattledream) October 8, 2017

So what's going on here?

1. Pac-12 coaches have never liked the conference's especially weird scheduling demands.

Arizona's Rich Rodriguez a couple years ago, for example:

"Don't go on your soapbox and talk about student-athlete welfare and then have these kids get back at 5 or 6 in the morning. If we're in it for that part of it, there's got to be a better way. At some point the conference has to have the ability to step in and say 'Hey, give this team one afternoon road game. Maybe all the rest are at night, but give them one break so they can get home at a reasonable hour.' It's silly, it really is."

2. Herbstreit is right that the Pac-12 benefits greatly from its ESPN partnership ...

But so does every conference that gets paid millions of dollars to put its stuff on national broadcasts. As a whole, Pac-12 public interest isn't exactly through the roof, but that's the case for every conference besides the Big Ten and SEC, with exceptions for individual teams.

3. ... but Herbstreit was almost literally the last person who should've made the argument, and he didn't need to try and scold anybody.

"You should be thanking ESPN" was only a small part of his comment, but it's the one that'll resonate, giving the impression that Herbstreit thinks of his company as the sport's benevolent overseer, deigning to bestow attention on minimally worthy universities.

4. Why do coaches care about any of this, anyway?

Regarding the "exposure" Petersen mentioned, that's not really about branding or ratings or merch sales. Coaches care about winning, which depends on recruiting, and the Pacific Northwest alone does not produce enough talent to field a national champion. Oregon was able to become a truly national brand, but Washington's not quite back to that level just yet, so Petersen's fighting for recognition at a program that's been playing like an elite for almost two full seasons now.

He also mentioned UW's established schedule of morning practices, which makes it difficult to continually prepare for late-night games.

5. Is ESPN trying to poison the narrative ahead of time and keep Washington out of the Playoff?

That's a little tinfoil, in my opinion.

It's true that ESPN has a massive investment in the Playoff. It's also true that West Coast audiences can be tricky to land. If you're already worked up, you could follow the logic that the company is trying to spoil UW's chances ahead of time.

But Alabama-Washington had 24 percent more viewers in last year's Playoff than Clemson-Oklahoma the year prior, and we're not hearing about ESPN's anti-Clemson or anti-Oklahoma bias.

And if the Playoff committee were compromised enough to think only of TV ratings, wouldn't the committee have put Penn State in over Washington last year anyway?

6. ESPN should lay off the Huskies, though.

It's true that UW has a light non-con schedule, but so do fellow top-10 teams Penn State, Wisconsin, and TCU and -- depending on how some things shake out -- maybe Alabama and Washington State as well.

One coach complained about late kickoffs. He's allowed to do that. Letting this weird thing escalate only risks making West Coast viewers further suspicious of the Bristol, Conn. media company and its influence over a sport that's long been subject to the whims of parties that don't actually suit up to play.