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morningflames · 4 years

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a word of warning

well here’s a post i never thought i’d be making

it’s come to my attention that a Certain Someone is planning on making a comeback to WrA soon and it fills me with nothing short of dread. i spent the day yesterday warning people he terrorized and manipulated that this was happening. you know it’s bad when there’s a literal network of people who share an abuser that have remained in contact for years in the event this happened again.

i am not going to lie and say that making this post does not terrify me but i cannot in good conscience sit back and let him worm his way into the rp scene again and do what he did to me and at least half a dozen others all over again.

to summarize: tarcanus aka tarcanus frostborne is a manipulative, emotionally abusive and predatory individual that should be avoided at all costs.

i am the player behind lyrinel, a former officer of his and someone who was on the receiving end of nearly a years worth of abuse and manipulation. my experiences pale in comparison to those of others who dealt with him and came forward to me after i left his guild, and i cannot speak for anyone who does not feel comfortable coming forward. if you do want to let your voice be heard, feel free to reblog and add your own anecdotes.

my story below the cut.

tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercion, grooming

i first joined coram populo in early 2014 after my best friend and fellow survivor (i will refer to her by her character’s name of thradia from here on out) joined the raid team in december of the previous year. we were both just looking for a social place to park our characters and maybe start role playing again, as we hadn’t had a guild or dedicated rp group in a while. things were fine and friendly for the first couple of months, though it’s worth noting that a large part of the office corps had just left or was in the process of leaving when thradia and i joined. we were both 18 at the time.

i made the mistake of reaching out to tarc in the spring, when i noticed him posting to his tumblr about how busy he was. i offered to be an IC assistant of sorts to his character and he was more than happy to toss me into an absolute whirlwind. we still didn’t know much about each other, but in the span of a couple weeks we went from casual contact in guild chat to immensely long (sometimes between 10 and 12 hours) skype calls, constant DMing, and an almost uninterrupted stream of conversation. i was struggling to finish high school at this time (spoiler: i failed to graduate) and found myself suddenly caught in an all-consuming relationship with this man and his guild. from the moment i woke up to the moment i finally hung up and crawled into bed, my time was taken up by tarc and the guild and the game.

i was promoted to officer less than five months after joining the guild. this was overwhelming for a number of reasons, chief among them being the fact that i had never been an officer in a guild like this before and i was very quickly escalated to tarc’s “inner circle.” this was a circle that he evidently didn’t even include his most senior officers in, as he didn’t seem to communicate with them to the extent or abundance that he did with me - and later, when she was ALSO promoted to officer, thradia.

within a few weeks i found myself at the center of dozens of micro-confrontations and venting from tarc about other members of the guild, raid team, and even fellow officers. every time, i would tell him he needed to take it to his co-gm and talk it through with her. she, like him, was a grown woman with a lot more experience and better people skills than me, a teenager barely out of high school, but tarc insisted on beating me over the head with his frustrations and then proceeding to guilt me and tell me i was a terrible friend when i didn’t agree with him or expressed i was uncomfortable being in the center of a vent session that i felt was unwarranted.

tarc was never wrong. he did not apologize. the words “i’m sorry” did not exist in his vocabulary, and if they did, they were almost always followed up with the word “but.” constantly he would be sending multiple messages to me or thradia while we were running events and raids for the guild, ranting about a few particular members that he disliked at the time regardless of how we felt about said members. thradia and i would both be reduced to tears and/or anxiety attacks by his outbursts that all but demanded we take his side even if we didn’t. his feelings and circumstances were paramount. everyone else’s were just inconveniences.

tarc was always the victim. no matter what was going on, no matter who had instigated whatever vein of conversation we were on that had gone awry, he had a way of making you feel like utter shit until you grovelled for his forgiveness, which he rarely gave. instead he would move on without giving any closure or allowing you to discuss your feelings at length. if you tried, you were the insensitive one who he couldn’t go to with his “unfiltered emotions,” which was the entire purpose of his inner circle to hear him say it. i was not allowed to just be his friend or just be an officer, i had to be both and neither at the same time, and it still was not the right course of action. nothing ever was.

tarc was openly manipulative and antagonistic, always citing it as an “inside joke” when called on it. i opened up to him once about my father’s alcoholism and how i was uncomfortable with alcohol culture and being around drunk people. regardless, he would constantly call while drunk (or maybe he was pretending to be to get a rise out of me, i honestly do not know what was genuine and what was put on with him) and make me stay on the call with him for hours. when he was (allegedly) diagnosed with an inability to process certain alcohols that could be life threatening, he continued to drink (or claimed he was drinking) dangerous amounts, which lead to me begging him to stop as i feared for his life. one of the worst anxiety attacks i have ever had was over him endangering his health and me believing i was going to see a friend die. he knew how much this upset me and he did not stop. he held me as a captive audience to his self destruction (or the playacting of it) and let me cry and beg and plead with him to take care of himself.

tarc loves to promote a clean, “family friendly” persona online. he will go on and on about the positive atmosphere his guild provides and how progress and accepting he and his “safe spaces” are. as soon as you are inducted to his inner circle, however, you learn otherwise. he will gladly engage in sexually charged conversation with you, even if you are ten years younger than him as thradia and i were. we were both legal adults, yes, but just barely. i can’t count the inappropriate remarks and jokes made about us, our friends, and even minors all in the spirit of joking “what if” conversation. he has a history of making young LGBT+ people uncomfortable, making their sexualities and identities about him and how he can relate to them.

tarc was the most two-faced and divisive guild leader i’ve ever seen. he would rant to me mercilessly about wanting to kick one of the junior officers and raid team members in private while never saying a word to their face or bringing it up with the co-gm. he would start schisms between people, telling each what they wanted to hear and encouraging both parties not to confront each other about it, allowing the resentment and distrust to grow as he fanned the flames on both sides. he wanted people to stay in the guild and continue to basically work for him while also putting him above anyone else in their friend circles. he told straight up lies to thradia and i, claiming one of us had said things about the other that we never did, driving a wedge and distrust between us.

tarc treats his guild(s) like a business. he is entirely capitalist-minded even in an MMORPG that people play for fun, churning out “content” and keeping up appearances like a machine. he treats his officers and guild members like employees, not people. any time irl would demand attention away from the game, forcing someone to miss or cancel an event, he would subtly guilt them about it until they apologized, even if it was a dire situation or a family emergency.

when tarc wanted to start a wow roleplaying podcast, he approached me about cohosting. he wanted a female voice, and since i was out of school and had no job lined up due to not graduating i was the perfect candidate. i came on to narrate and research the lore segment of the looking for roleplay podcast, which was little more than me paraphrasing a wowwiki article, but i was held to a “professional” standard. i had to have my research done by a certain day, my recording done in advance, etc.

the podcast was a spot of contention for several reasons, one being the mysterious emails tarc would allegedly receive about it. the podcast had a shared email account that all three of us could access and look at, but tarc claimed that people sent emails directly to him since “everything’s under his email.” he would use these strawman emails as indirect criticism of turwinkle and i, reading them aloud or typing up what they supposedly said but NEVER producing a real screenshot or address to verify them. i’m convinced he only did this as a way to make turwinkle and i feel badly and work harder “for the listeners” to appease things tarc didn’t like about our segments. he also insinuated he got inappropriate emails about me specifically at this account but, again, i was never allowed to see them with my own eyes, just hear about them secondhand, which is why i believe they did not exist.

around this time, tarc began recording conversations without mine or thradias consent. he would start recording random sections of calls and taunt us, playing back out-of-context lines and joking that he would make “podcast commercials” out of them. they were often embarrassing, personal, or just wildly out of context lines that we didn’t want played to the public, and i heard only a fraction of what he possibly recorded of me. i have no idea what kind of material he has of me and thradia that was recorded without us knowing or consenting. it felt like blackmail. it still does.

i internalized all of this. i thought this was normal. i thought he was an excellent guild leader and a role model for leadership. i had begun to treat world of fucking warcraft like a goddamn job and i thought that was fine. my life revolved around coddling and entertaining him, socializing and promoting and recruiting for the guild, raiding, running pvp entirely on my own, keeping up IC connections and attending events, recording for the podcast, all of it. i ate, breathed, and slept wow and coram. it was insane. i had been talked into having no boundaries for myself and my time, and any time i tried to correct that and build a boundary i was attacked for it until i backed down. i have never felt worse about myself than i did while i was in this guild. i trusted no one. i was worn thin.

i finally had enough early 2015. at this point this man was trying to get me to come live with him hundreds of miles from my family so that i could attend a technical school in his area. i am still 18. he was 28. i had been trying to step down from my position as an officer, citing if i was going to be LIVING WITH HIM that it was going to give me an unfair bias in my standing in the guild. this set him all the way off. he was planning a trip to atlantic city for me, himself, and thradia, who i had a ticket to visit for my birthday. he was getting frantic because he had been pursuing thradia for months, and i was no longer cooperating.

when i threw this wrench in everything, our relationship devolved in the span of a few hours. within the day i left the guild on all of my characters and pulled myself out of all of his projects. within the month i had frantically faction changed several characters and eventually unsubscribed from the game for two years because i lived in fear of him. he had always alluded to “knowing people” who could hack and track IP addresses and kept tabs on everyone who visited his blogs and websites. i didn’t know what i thought he was going to do - all i knew was his thinly veiled brags and threats were at the forefront of my mind. i have played this game since 2006, but for the first time in my life i couldn’t enjoy it out of fear and exhaustion caused by him. he had ruined my favorite game in less than a year and made me paranoid about my entire online presence, to the point where this blog was abandoned for months before i turned it into what it is today.

and the thing is, tarc’s not a creepy or abrasive guy when you first meet him. he’s funny and charismatic and outgoing. he loves to tell you about his world travels and show you pictures of him petting baby tigers at rescues in southeast asia and go on about these crazy winnings he would have in vegas. he’s larger than life - at least online. he came to visit me twice in the year that we knew each other. the first time was also the first time i had ever met thradia in person, and we had been friends for six years at that point. he has met my family, and that of several other members (both my age and older). no one ever questions why he’s there. no one ever thought it was odd that for a week he hung out with three teenage girls exclusively.

this horrifies me to this day.

thradia and i are still best friends. we compared notes and were sickened at how we were played against each other. slowly, i returned to the game. i reached out to people who had left or been on their way out when i first joined the guild, curious to see if there was a common thread. there was. everyone i spoke with had similar stories: being made to feel like shit, nothing they ever did for the guild was enough, they weren’t allowed to miss events or raids no matter what the reason, they were questioned and joked about inappropriately and made to feel uncomfortable and preyed upon, etc. i was not the only one. thradia was not the only one. at least half a dozen other former members and/or officers had these stories, and tarc just kept getting away with it.

he cannot keep getting away with it.

i am being open with this for the first time in six years because i don’t want to see it happen again. because i don’t want to know that, had i said something sooner, more people could have been protected. i was 18 when this was going on. i had no real world experience. i had no standard for how i should be treated, much less by someone almost ten years my senior and who claimed to be my friend. but he knew better. he should have had boundaries and space and lines he refused to cross. he did not. he crippled my trust in people for a very long time. i have only become comfortable playing wow on horde side again in the past year or so. i finally stopped looking over my shoulder, /who’ing him and his guild, avoiding rp hubs. but now i feel like i can’t do that anymore. the safety i have worked so hard to achieve for myself is now threatened.

i understand my experiences are mild in comparison to what some offenders on this server have done. but at the end of the day, this year was the worst year of my life. to this day, the skype ringtone literally triggers me because i associated it with him and his endless calls that i never knew what to expect from or how to get out of. i can’t look at certain parts of the game without feeling fear. for months i held my breath going online or logging into wow because i was waiting for him to pop up and start accusing me of things or trying to guilt me into coming back.

tarc ran coram populo, a guild that, as far as i know, still staggers along with a few members who can’t be bothered to leave. whether or not he’s planning to return there, i don’t know. he organizes and runs (from what i can tell) the azerothian trade federation (whatever the fuck that is). i don’t know what his plans are. i don’t know what his online presence looks or will look like when he comes crawling back. but i beseech you, do not give him the time of day. do not give him a platform, no matter how nice and “woke” he makes himself out to be. he lures you in with humanist ideals and then sucks the absolute life out of you- and that’s if he doesn’t want to pressure you into a relationship on top of it.

to tarc: if somehow you’re reading this, stay away from me. keep my name out of your mouth. i do not want an apology and a string of half-assed, gaslighting excuses. i have records of past conversations. i have screenshots. i know what you fucking did to me and to my friends. i do not want you back. i do not want you here. i do not want to share space with you. i want you to go away and never come back.

you alone made it so hard to trust myself and other people. thradia and i both have had to seek therapy due to you. and now, you have the audacity to come riding back into the scene on a white horse, being self righteous about abuse and predatory behavior online, and have the utter gall to condemn behaviors you yourself emulated without apology or second thought. i know you think you’re a good guy. that’s what makes you so fucking dangerous. you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if you do, you’ve buried it and squirreled it away and have covered it up to the point where you can turn any accusation back on the claimant.

do not attempt to contact me. do not try to threaten or appease me. go back where you were. i am finally at home again, and you will not take that from me. go. away.

#wrymrest accord #wra rp #wra community #okay to reblog #i am going to basically go dark on here now and not check on this #i have gotten ohysically ill from dredging this shit up #i will not be engaging past this point so whether you believe me or not i do not care #i know my truth and i know what happened to me even though i was gaslit to hell and back

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radicalposture · 4 years

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Hey, so were you diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult? If you don't mind me asking, was that difficult to achieve? I'm 25, and I've often thought I might have adhd, but I've held off on looking into it because I hear it's extremely difficult and expensive to get it tested and diagnosed as an adult.

yes I only got diagnosed last october, I was 25 then too! it was kind of a weird journey for me, all of my siblings and my dad got diagnosed with autism or adhd one after the other and I was still saying “but I can’t really be autistic/adhd” right up until I actually got diagnosed lol. but since then my whole life suddenly makes sense for the first time and I really think things are gonna be ok! this applies to autism/adhd/other neurodiverse stuff but autism and adhd is what I know, but I hope it applies broadly as well

so unfortunately yes, it can be pretty expensive to get through the whole process. depends on where you live of course, I live in Ireland so even though we do have public healthcare I would probably have been on a waiting list for upwards of two years to see a terrible psychologist who didn’t know anything about adhd/autism so I went to a private psychologist. I already knew her pretty well bc my siblings had been to her and I knew she knew what she was talking about and I felt comfortable with her. seeing her cost me around €900 which is definitely a lot, different psychologists have different rates but the price can go up depending on what tests u get done. the more tests you do the more expensive it will be as a general rule (at the same time I saw a different psychologist who had a lower flat rate so idk what the “rules” are about this tbh) I got a standard assessment as well as autism and adhd tests which is why it was so expensive. it used up pretty much all my savings lmao but after getting a diagnosis I was able to apply for disability allowance (which was a hellish process) and I got rejected and had to appeal the decision but I got it in the end, which is fortunate bc I quit my job lol.

recently I wanted to look into medication so I had to go to a psychiatrist because you can’t get a prescription for stimulant medication from a gp in most countries I think? BUT he’d only see me if I got rediagnosed by his psychologist, so that was another €300 for each of them. I did get prescribed ritalin in the end but I’ll have to get the prescription refilled a few times a year bc it’s a restricted medication, which will mean paying €100 ish for each time I do. fortunately I don’t actually have to pay for the medication itself bc I have a medical card.

so yes, it can be expensive! all told it’s cost me almost €2000 to get it all sorted and will keep costing me maybe €300 a year from now on, so it’s definitely something you have to budget for. especially depending on where you live, I imagine things are v different from country to country. also I’m very fortunate bc I still live with my family so I’m free of some financial pressure and I’d been saving for it for a while but I know how hard it is to countenance paying out that kind of money, and wondering whether it’s worth it.

as to whether it’s difficult to achieve I think you’ve got to break it down because official diagnosis is only part of it. so if you think you do have ADHD I’d look at it from a couple of different angles:

1. self acceptance/understanding is absolutely the most important thing. I know people who’ve never been to a psych who know they’re autistic/adhd and really flourish, I also know people who have official diagnoses but who won’t accept it themselves and reject help/support and they’re making things so hard for themselves. so the most important thing is to educate yourself about what adhd means and, more importantly, what it means for you. everyone’s brain is different and understanding exactly how your brain works and why you think/behave the way you do is the most important thing you can do. there are a lot of resources out there, especially online, - I’ll put a link to a google drive of books and things I have at the bottom - and it can be good to connect with others online as well. having people who Get It and can help you is really paramount, I know often our irl families/friends can sometimes let us down so sometimes the only support you can get is from following ppl on twitter or something. the adhd subreddit is weirdly helpful and supportive, it’s great to be able to throw out a question like “I think like this am I insane y/n” and have other people go “nah ur fine” it’s very validating (also validation/external perspectives is super important for adhd bc we can be extremely bad at self assessment). so yes, the most important thing is firstly to know thyself by 1) educating yourself and 2) listening/connecting with others like u.

2. is it important to have an “official” diagnosis? no and yes. obviously you don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to know what you are, and 70% of the things needed to help you flourish are going to come from your own research and the support systems you make. and if you cant afford or access a psychologist or psychiatrist it doesn’t make it any less real or bar you from educating yourself/accessing resources etc. HOWEVER. if you can get a good diagnosis then I really would go for it, bc: 1) it opens a LOT of doors to official resources, whether that’s access to welfare, supports and accommodations at school or college, medication, etc etc. a lot of the time the supports we need are behind this diagnostic paywall, which sucks but it is what it is :/ so that’s one consideration. 2) it can be really validating and help set your mind at ease about whether you “really” have adhd or if you’re “faking”. like I said I didn’t believe that I was “allowed” to be autistic before I got diagnosed. I also didn’t consider that I might have adhd, I went in thinking I’d just get the autism diagnosis so it wasn’t something I would have found out on my own probably. so it can be good to get an outside opinion, especially as, like I said, we can be really bad at self assessment. 3) it feels good to know you have a piece of paper to throw at rude family members/teachers/doctors who don’t believe it’s real 4) if you can find a good psychiatrist/psychologist it can be such a good thing to have that support and to get genuinely good advice from a professional you trust. doesn’t always happen but if u can find one it’s a godsend

wow this got long. to summarise, if you think you have adhd or anything else I would

research and educate yourself. for adhd probably the best thing to do is read driven to distraction and delivered from distraction, written by two psychiatrists who are adhd themselves. they’re both in this google drive along with loads of other resources I’ve collected, there’s also books about autism as well. as a disclaimer not everything/everyone here has my 100% endorsement some of it is there for academic/historical interest or only parts are helpful but by and large it’s useful. also watch this video and feel Seen

look for a good psychologist/psychiatrist if you’re going for a diagnosis. see if there’s an adhd organisation in your country/area and if they can recommend anyone. a lot of the time you’re better going to a child/educational psychologist who’ll see adult clients as they tend to Get It more. do look for someone who is clear about having experience in adult adhd bc unfortunately even qualified psychologists get a LOT wrong so make sure you get someone who knows what they’re doing before you give them your money

yes it can be really expensive. but if you’re needing to access things like medication or welfare I think it’s well worth the trouble and the money. my sister got diagnosed in her second year of college and was able to save her degree bc of extensions on projects and things like that (I didn’t get diagnosed until after college and spent four years torturing myself I WISH I had known) and it can be something that’s better done sooner rather than later. So if it’s something you can do without putting yourself in financial danger I think it’s good to bite the bullet and go for it. like I used up basically all my savings BUT I now can access disability payments and medication so it was worth it for me. it’ll be different for everyone so use your judgement obviously

anyway hope this helped! let me know if you need anything else! and good luck on your journey

#brain tag

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shitty-check-please-aus · 4 years

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2020 Books Read So Far

Note: Most of these are audiobooks (listening to books counts as reading books and if you disagree I’d ask you to consider why you believe that), books I started and didn’t finish will be listed but not reviewed, and all my opinions are extremely subjective. I’m putting this on this blog because I want to and I think it’ll help me keep track of what I’ve read if I write it down in a couple places.

Some notes:

I’m surprised that most of these are nonfiction! I don’t usually think of myself as a nonfiction reader.

Having audiobooks has made me way more productive as a reader, since I can read while I’m doing repetitive tasks at work, when I have to stand on the bus, when I’m running, etc.

Naked, by David Sedaris

3/5, the audiobook was “unabridged selections” which means “we didn’t edit the individual essays but you’re only getting half the book”– it would probably have been a 4/5 if it was a whole book. I liked that Amy Sedaris was reading parts of it, but that’s because I like her more than I like her brother. This is sort of an example of the difference between “comedic” and “humorous,” because it’s definitely the latter.

Read it if: you want to read something pretty fucking weird.

Lafayette in the Somewhat United States, by Sarah Vowell

4/5, I saw this recommended a lot when Hamilton first came out so it’s been in the back of my mind for a good while. The book had a great cast, and having different people reading the historical quotes was an excellent touch!

However, I think Vowell’s conversational style is a little jarring here sometimes. It’s like “wait, why are you talking about Bruce Springsteen, I’m not that familiar with his work but he definitely isn’t from Revolutionary War times.” I got her book Assassination Vacation at a used bookshop recently as well, and both books suffer from post-2016 hindsight, where she’ll say something about how incompetent and foolish the politicians of her time are, and I just have to snort to myself and say “Sarah, you’re going to lose your goddamn mind soon.” That’s a bit of an unfair reaction, but it’s hard to avoid having it.

I was also, maybe unfairly, expecting to learn more than I did. The problem is that I know a Lot about the Revolutionary War, and from the introduction I thought we’d hear more about Lafayette’s later life (my knowledge drops sharply after about 1810). The book basically ends after the Battle of Yorktown, though.

Read it if: you have not seen/listened to both Hamilton and 1776, or if you want to read a summary of the Revolutionary War with a focus on one French captain.

Assassination Vacation, by Sarah Vowell

3/5, honestly maybe a 2.5/5. Okay, so. Either I know a lot more about American History than I felt like I did or this is again a very surface level thing. Part of it is because she spends 123 pages on Abe Lincoln. There are 255 pages total. 2/3 of the states I’ve lived in are Indiana and Illinois, two states that fight about claiming Lincoln as their own, and I’ve been to D.C. 4 or 5 times, so I feel like I know enough about Lincoln. I know about John Wilkes Booth, and his brother Edwin who saved Lincoln’s son’s life, and the death train that took Lincoln’s body around the country. I did enjoy learning about the doctor who was probably conspiring with Booth and how he ended up saving tons of lives in prison when there was a yellow fever outbreak (also to be briefly unbearably nitpicky: I think she might have mixed up dengue and yellow fever? She calls yellow fever “breakbone” but I can only find instances online of people calling dengue fever that. Maybe they called them all breakbone in the late 1800s. If anyone reading this is an epidemiologist, let me know).

It was interesting to hear that Charles Guiteau, killer of President Garfield, was part of the Oneida cult. I’m trying to think of anything notable she said about Leon Czolgosz, killer of President McKinley. I guess she talks about how people assumed he was a foreigner because of his name, but I already listened to “The Ballad of Czolgosz” in Assassins, so I knew “Czolgosz, angry man, born in the middle of Michigan.”

This one is from 2005 so the politics stuff is a little more interesting, since at the time I was busy learning multiplication and spending one entire baseball season learning about baseball and following my team (they won the world series, I have excellent timing). I will say that in 2005 we did have Google, so I am again annoyed with some of her asides and personal anecdotes. Look, if you go to the Hemingway house and you don’t know there will be cats there, that’s on you if you don’t bring your Claritin. Hemingway is associated with only two good things, six-toed cats and Daiquiris.

She also does not acknowledge that the parties basically switched platforms? Lincoln’s Republican party is not today’s Republican party, in fact kind of the opposite, so it’s weird that she starts the book with a dedication that’s like “to my lifelong Democrat grandpa, he’d be pissed I dedicated a book about 3 Republicans to him.” I guess she does sometimes say stuff like “how did Lincoln’s party become Reagan’s” (paraphrase), but she doesn’t actually get into it.

Speaking of Democrats, she literally spends more time talking about Pablo Picasso than she spends talking about JFK. She doesn’t explain why she didn’t talk about JFK, but it seems bizarre to me to write a book about American assassinations and to leave out John Fucking Kennedy. Literally I’ve talked more about JFK in this section than she did in her assassin book. It’s not until page 253 that JFK gets a full paragraph. There are 255 pages total. Truly, if she’d taken a paragraph to be like “I’m focusing on the presidents who were elected before 1900″ or “the presidents whose immediate families aren’t still alive” or even “I didn’t want to travel to Dallas for research” or SOMETHING to explain why she left out JFK, I would have understood it more instead of flipping through the pages wondering what was going on.

Read it if: You do not listen to too many history podcasts and you didn’t read the Wikipedia page for the musical Assassins. And I guess if you don’t want to acknowledge that JFK did also get assassinated and that was kind of a big deal. Actually just listen to Assassins instead.

And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie

5/5 as a mystery, 0/5 for its original title (not gonna say it here but if you’ve ever googled the name of HP Lovecraft’s cat, it’s along those lines). Less than 6 hours, narrated by Dan Stevens from Downton Abbey, fairly ideal as an audiobook. I am 95% sure I’ve already read this, because I spent the summer before I started high school reading every Agatha Christie book in the library (I do not have a list of all the Agatha Christie books in my library the summer of 2010, so there is some question).

Read if: you want to hear the guy from Downton Abbey deliver the line “I’m not a complete fool!” in a tone that makes it sound like “I’m not a fucking moron!” Sidenote: Can anyone tell me if Brits say “solder” by pronouncing the L that I’ve always heard as a silent L? Or if Dan Stevens just fucked up that one word?

Over The Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love, by Jonathan Van Ness

4.5/5

This was a super enjoyable audiobook! It’s a testament to JVN’s considerable charisma that this book is full of him giving people in his past who would rather be anonymous Russian names, and it doesn’t get grating (as a Marina, however, I was shocked to not hear my name at any point; most of the other Marina’s I’ve met in my life are Russian). JVN has had a wild ride in life, and it’s a really raw, honest story of how he became who he is. I will say that if you are interested in reading this, please look up the trigger warnings; there are a lot of things that could be triggering to people.

I feel a little bad at how much more I liked this one compared to Tan France’s memoir, but I also feel like whoever was ghostwriting that one did a bad job at making Tan seem... not extremely defensive, cocky, and prickly (it seems that JVN did not use a ghostwriter; Tan’s on the other hand, let the phrase “I’m proud to be a petty bitch” make it into the final proof several times). Also JVN advocates going to therapy in his book, while Tan kind of says that you should only go to therapy if you have no friends or family or life partner to talk to, which I fundamentally disagree with. I don’t know. I also feel like, if I were to get a makeover from the Fab 5, Jonathan would love my hair (I have great hair) while Tan would say that I’m dressing too old for a 24 year old and then take me to fucking Lane Bryant or Torrid (I wear a size 16 US so IRL options are limited).

Read if: You like Queer Eye or Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness

Medallion Status, by John Hodgman

4.5/5

I really like John Hodgman’s podcast, and I got to ask him a question at an event he did at the Field Museum and he was very nice, so I went into this inclined to enjoy it.

And I did! I had a good time reading it. I read it the first week of January and now it’s the second week of February so I have already erased much of the book’s content from my mind, but he somehow made the perspective of being a formerly kinda famous person really interesting. I would also recommend Vacationland, particularly if anyone wants to write an au where Nursey, as a New Yorker, has a vacation home in Dex’s town in Maine. That’s right, I brought it back around to the topic of this blog. And that would be a fucking fantastic au.

Read it if: you like memoirs! it’s a good one.

Murder on the Orient Express, by Agatha Christie

Gonna give this one a 3/5 for performance, because Dan Stevens (again, because I liked his narration in the other one) does a really annoying American accent for a few characters, and an extremely bad Italian accent for another. I’m starting this review only a few hours in, so if it turns out that the Italian man is not Italian, I’ll revoke my criticism. Still a 5/5 mystery, though. I did have to stop many times when they were talking about Istanbul to go over to Spotify and play “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” by They Might Be Giants.

Books abandoned in 2020 (so far) (no real spoilers, I didn’t get more than a few chapters into any of them):

The Unhoneymooners, Christina Lauren

I got to a point where the main character was telling a lie that would put her newly accepted job into jeopardy, and it stressed me out so much as a relatively new hire that I stopped listening for the day and started another one, and then the week had passed and then the library took it back. I think I’d enjoy it more if I was reading it physically and I could control how fast I got through awkward parts (I am practically allergic to secondhand embarrassment). The performance was good and I did get a hankering for cheese curds.

Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris

I had like three audiobooks checked out at the same time, and even though this was again an abridged version, I just didn’t have time for all of them. My mom has a physical copy, I’ll borrow that at some point.

The Witch Elm, Tana French

This is one I may revisit someday. The main character is kind of an asshole, which is the point of his character I think, but it made it hard to get into the story. It’s also a 22 hour audiobook, which is kind of insanely long. Additionally, the narrator has a very slow way of talking, but if I tried to speed up the rate of playback I had trouble understanding his accent (I think I just have trouble processing really fast speech in general as well, but I would’ve had an easier time understanding someone with the same accent as me). Anyways, someone put a hold on it at the library and then I didn’t check it out again.

#long post #off topic #Marina Reads #edit: put under a readmore bc I forgot to earlier

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sullustangin · 4 years

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A Code of Conduct for a Smuggler Ship

This is a world-building piece I'm using in my own fan fic. Our smugglers, pirates, rogues, and other non-aligned/independent ships do have rules and codes of conduct. They wouldn't live by Imperial/Republic/Federation/Klingon/Fleet rules. Whether in space or on the sea, they still have to co-exist with their crewmates and captain. This is mostly compiled from historical pirate codes, Gibbs from NCIS (it works), and other real-life incidents.

This is crossposted to AO3.

Code of Conduct for Virtue’s Thief, under the command of

Captain Eva Corolastor

1. The Captain’s responsibility is to the ship. The ship is the crew, and the crew is the ship. The Captain is to save the ship at any cost, including her own.

2. The Captain is the first and final authority on Virtue’s Thief.

3. Never screw over your Captain or your crewmates.

4. All profit is disbursed evenly after the ship receives its share for maintenance. Private gambling, inheritance, and profits do not apply here.

5. If someone is permanently injured, maimed or disabled in the service of Virtue’s Thief or her captain, they are to be pensioned off for the duration of their lives.

6. The crew is entitled to a discount for services at the Captain’s discretion.

7. Police your brass and cover your ass.

8. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

9. Always announce your entrance into the cockpit or the Captain’s quarters; she is armed.

10. Always carry a knife.

11. Never drink the last of anything.

12. No pets.

13. No children.

14. Nobody talks about VATs [Very Awful Thing(s)].

15. Blood stays in the cargo bay; do not track it around the ship. Remove your boots as needed.

16. No fighting on the ship; settle your differences planetside.

17. No sleeping naked.

18. No shagging in the ship (exceptions to be granted by the Captain).

19. All crew members will carry spare clean underwear in a waterproof bag at all times.

20. Birthdays are to be celebrated. Get over it.

1. This rule is included since my captain is a Good Gal. She's a Chaotic Neutral Leaning Good. If your Captain is not so inclined, you may wish to alter this to better suit how your Captain sees his or her crew and ship: are the crewmen and crew-women expendable? Is the ship itself a tool to be used and broken, or is it the Captain's beloved home?

2. Many pirate codes have votes and other democratic devices so each man had their say, especially if their Captain sees them as tools or as useful rather than friends and family. Because my captain is GG in Rule #1, Rule #2 is not democratic, but rather, an assertion of authority because of GG status; your Captain has to be a leader, not a doormat. If your Captain is more ruthless, then you may want to counter-balance with a rule that gives the crew some veto power.

3. This is self-explanatory. Ships have limited quarters, and it's in everyone's best interest not to hate each other. Gibbs' Rule.

4. This is a pragmatic rule, as the ship does have to be maintained as the home for everyone, even if she is own by the Captain. This could also go toward the upkeep of ship's droids, if you're operating in the Star Wars universe. This is based in actual rules from historical pirate codes.

5. Another historical pirate code rule. This one is very generous (Good Gal Captain). Often, there would be a limit set or a delineation of what body parts are worth how much -- arms, eyes, and legs all have different value, and how much of you lost also matters. In the modern world, we have this when claiming disability benefits, particularly for veterans. This is an opportunity for you to discuss how your characters are valued by the Captain/ship.

6. Depending on how you set up your ship and crew rules and who decides what jobs to take, this rule can be very relevant or not relevant. I use it as an opportunity to prove Captain's benevolence, but this can be used to build tension -- is this job worth it? Are you actually going to pay us for this gig?

7. Gibbs' Rule(s), but highly pertinent. Most non-aligned ships are non-aligned for a reason -- shady activities? troubled past? "Police your brass" is a term for cleaning up one's spent casings so that you don't leave a trace or evidence you were there. Covering your ass is a catch-all for making sure there are no loose ends. This is the "don't bring trouble home" rule -- don't bring unwanted attention to the ship.

8. Gibbs' Rule. Even if you follow #7 to the hilt, this is still possible -- stay alert.

9. The Captain often has the most to lose. This is typically their ship, and all troubles land on their desk. They're the ones trying to lead people of questionable character -- there's a reason they're out on their own. Depending on what the job is, they may be carrying strangers on their ship or there may be concerns of a boarding party. This can be used to depict Captain's trust, but also Captain competence -- do you want someone who trusts everyone responsible for your safety?

10. Gibbs' Rule, but interesting to utilize in space settings. In modern/historical settings and military settings, you always carry a personal sidearm or two as a hold-out; knife and a single-shot pistol (especially 3-D printed) are useful. In space, there's all this fancy tech, like blasters, lasers, phasers, vibroknives, and so on. A knife can cut air supply hoses, slice electronics, puncture life support suits, and all sorts of chaotic things that a "highly evolved society" wouldn't think of.

11. My own creation -- I have a hard-drinking crew, and if you want to break Rule #3 in the worst way possible, this is it. One thing I have headcanonned is that there were originally just 10 rules on the Thief. The second 10 come as a result of people breaking the first 10 -- more specific rules for more idiotic behavior that the writer didn't anticipate. In the words of my captain, "Can I preface that by saying the rules exist for reasons? As in, someone screwed up, and after we all didn’t die, I made the rule?”

12. and 13. These are flexible, but you have to consider what type of operation your ship is running. Is it derring-do and swashbuckling and a business venture? Or is something else more akin to a family group? Within the SWTOR universe, I've seen people keep their ships very businesslike, but the same crews in another fan fic are raising kids and have pets. Totally fine.

14. VATs are a sideline business that my Captain operates alongside her two female crewmates; the boys find what they do so distasteful, they try to ignore it as best they can. In my universe, VATs are wetwork, assassinations, torture, extortion, espionage, information-brokering, and other morally questionable items that don't fall under the main purview of business on the ship. Does your ship have anyone with a sideline? It doesn't have to be as violent or dark as this. Is it officially recognized? To what extent? Is it a secret? Is there a rule against doing this sort of thing?

15. Generally cleanliness reminder, but if you have this sort of a rule, you better show off why it's necessary.

16. Historical pirate rule -- if you have beef, go settle on the shore. Some codes get the quartermaster directly involved in fairly outfitting both parties and determining whether the matter is settled or if someone should get left behind at port for the good of the ship.

17. This is for red alerts and making sure nobody wastes too much time trying to throw clothes on while trying to deal with a disaster. It also ties into #18.

18. Historically, pirates were not supposed to bring wenches on the ship. First, there was a risk of someone being accidentally kidnapped if the ship left before critical personnel woke up after a night on the tiles. Secondly, rape was a serious crime to pirates; the penalty was death. I've seen in multiple pirate codes that boys and ladies were not to be brought aboard. Some do allow for a guardian for these people so that they can remain on board until the next port, but those were special conditions in special circumstances. Since I have a smuggler ship, it's egalitarian -- no sexy times for anyone onboard the ship. Also, if you're busy getting busy, if there's an attack, well, it takes more time to untangle yourself than if you're by yourself.

19a. This is a personal rule (IRL and in fan fic). As I've been writing, I find that people's clothes getting trashed or messed up is a pretty regular thing. However, it's made exponentially more tolerable by having a spare set of something dry. If you plan on having characters get messy and want to move the plot along without dealing with the "uh oh, naked" thing (especially if there's a romantic/sexual tension), this isn't a bad rule to have around. Granted, if you're writing PWP, make sure nobody has any spare anything. Also, spare clean undies aren't just useful for the obvious; think of bandages, messages that could be sent while everyone else is "hurr durr"ing over panties, underwires that can be used for other purposes. Basically, this is where you can put in your MacGuyver plot device -- make people carry some seemingly useless item around and then it's the Most Critical Thing to making some ad hoc plan work.

b. Caveat: Chekhov's Gun. This the literary principle that you shouldn't put anything into your story unless it adds to the bigger plot: don't put a gun on stage unless it's going to fire. So you can have a lot of funny business with your #19 (or any of these rules) but don't spend too much time on them. Some of it might remain headcanon forever, which is fine. Remember that codes/rules are meant to help your ship function, not to bog it down unnecessarily.

20. Personal rule. See 19b. Feel free to use these rules or variants thereof; just give me a mention @sullustangin or via AO3 (top of the page).

#fan fiction #original fiction #worldbuilding #swtor fanfiction #star wars fan fiction #star trek fanfiction #pirate fiction #rules #gibbs' rules #pirate code #historical pirate codes #reblog #don't repost

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wildernessuntothemselves · 5 years

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Oppa Knows Best | Part 1

Word Count: 6k Genre: Smut, Angst Summary: If there is anything a lot of people can agree on when it comes to college, it’s that college is about much more than just education; it’s a whole transformative experience. The person you were before college is not the same person you will be after college, and no one knows the truth of that statement quite like you do. You just didn’t expect to change so much so fast. A/N: this is like my fifth friends to lovers story and there is no sign of me stopping any time soon lmao Warnings: This story contains a very unbalanced power dynamic between the two main characters that is unhealthy and shouldn’t be tolerated irl. If someone treats you this way irl please run. This is a fictional story and the plot is basically just a vehicle for the smut. Contains slutshaming and controlling behavior. Also the dirty talk is painfully corny and pornolike so be warned lol. Oppa kink if it wasn’t obvious.

Even though you and Jaehyun were only one year apart in age, he had always babied you, to the extent that the one year you were forced to be apart for the first time since you came onto this earth—on account of him beating you to college first—you spent it lost and adrift like a puppy trying to find its way back to its owner.

Which was completely ridiculous and melodramatic since, during that year you spent apart, Jaehyun never let a day go by in which you didn’t talk to each other. He called or texted you every single day no matter how busy he got and basically kept in better contact with you than even your school friends whom you saw every day. But still, his physical presence was something else. When it came time for you to go to college, there was no question about which one you’d choose, and he didn’t even bother to ask before bringing you all the papers that you would need in order to apply to the same college he attended. He guided you every step of the way lest you make any mistake and get rejected, and before you knew it, you were under your guardian angel’s wings again. Everything was as it should be. Your world was back on track. All the pieces fell—wait, what did he say? He thinks you should get some space from him? What the fuck is he on? You had this whole thing planned ever since you were little kids, and he seemed to be fully on board with that plan up until now. Isn’t that the entire reason you were here?

“I’ve been on your back ever since you were born, but this is college, angel. You’re supposed to let loose a little and experience new things, and you can’t do that if I’m always around you like a second shadow. You’re on the same campus as me so I can still get to keep an eye on you and keep you safe. I don’t need to be your roommate too and be all up in your business all the time. You need a little space to grow and discover yourself.”

He had explained it all so eloquently, so maturely; it made you want to gag. Who the fuck said you wanted space? It sure as hell wasn’t you. The entire reason you chose this college was so you can re-suture your hip to his and never separate again. If you had wanted space, there were a million other places you could’ve gone to instead of here. His whole explanation sounded like bullcrap to you, and it was just so unlike him. Your Jaehyun, Mr. overprotective in the flesh, telling you that he should back off and let you get loose? Yeah, you’re calling bullshit on this.

It didn’t take you long to find out the real reason why he refused to room with you, and it was just so typical, you actually burst out laughing in spite of the pain when you had caught him red-handed. You see, Jaehyun has developed a curious little womanizing streak in your absence. It was both unexpected and entirely predictable. Jaehyun was a man after all, and he had spent his whole life being the exemplary good boy who every mother wished her son would be more like. The only girl he interacted with beyond some cordial, totally neutered socialization was you, and you can unfortunately testify that your relationship was nothing more than an older brother-little sister type of thing. So of course odds were that he would give in to his physical needs eventually, and they say that the more repressed you were, the more freaky the meltdown gets. To his credit, he tried to shield innocent, little you from his promiscuous ways, but alas, he was doomed to fail from the start. You just can’t hide your rendezvous when you’ve gone through half the student body already. Yup, shit sure got freaky. You wouldn’t have been nearly as crushed about this new development if it weren’t for how stupidly in love with him you are. Yes, stupid, dumb, idiotic you had to be every fucking cliché in the book and go and fall in love with your handsome, charming best friend who, of course, saw you as nothing other than a little sister. It was easy to delude yourself back home where your entire world was only a few blocks wide and Jaehyun’s sole attention was on you, but now he has dozens of beautiful women willing to warm his bed every night, and he’s burning through them like he was hell-bent on making up for the years of celibacy he had endured back home. Still you had enough sense of humor and self-awareness to laugh your ass off at the look on his face when you busted him. For a hot second, he tried to claim that the woman he was in bed with, who he didn’t even know the last name of, was his girlfriend and not the night’s flavor. You had sat there and listened to him dig himself into a progressively bigger hole until his partner finally cracked from the awkwardness and exposed his ass.

As much as you wanted to hate him for lying to you and, most importantly, for being with anyone who wasn’t you, you really couldn’t. He remained the same Jaehyun you’ve always known, always around and always there for you. He never let you down. It’s just that you now knew he wasn’t some kind of pure angel, but a grown man with needs and a very healthy sexual appetite. You could no longer continue to live in a fantasy world of your making where he was going to proclaim his love for you any minute now so you can go on and live the happily ever after you’ve been promised by every movie ever. You couldn’t even go the easy route and hate the women he slept with, call them sluts and whores and claim you’re so much better than them. Truth is, if you were in their place, you would’ve slept with him too. Who wouldn’t? He’s handsome and sweet and smart and the sun shines out of his ass. Any girl would be lucky to have him even if just for a night. You could only wish you were so lucky. But despite how so uncharacteristically rational you were about this whole thing—and you gotta admit, you were damn proud of yourself for it—it was all still so surreal, and that feeling, that weird emptiness that came to reside in your chest in place of the fanciful love that once bloomed there, couldn’t be shaken off by any number of rational arguments or self-reflection. And you didn’t know what you had to do to fill that void so it wouldn’t swallow you whole. It messed with your head sometimes, the emptiness; it told you that this was all his fault. It said that he had tricked you into wasting your life on him, that he purposefully fed into your delusion by the inordinate amount of attention and love he lavished on you. It spoke to you of how differently your life could’ve been if you had known how he felt from the start. For one, you wouldn’t have planned your whole life around him. And now you were stuck, forced to keep living in the ghost town you had built for him. So, desperate enough to take another page out of the book of clichés you so loved, you decided that since your years worth of love for him couldn’t possibly be replaced by the tepid, superficial affections that came with crushes and brand new relationships, you were just gonna have to go old school and fuck the bad feelings away. And surprisingly, it worked. For a couple of months, you attended every party on campus you could get into and refused to head home until you had someone in toe. It was awkward at first, for someone with zero experience like yourself, but you had lost the love of your life and were determined to find even a little bit of pleasure in this hell you suddenly found yourself thrown into. That determination paid off, and soon, you were floating high off your sexual awakening and all the new kinds of pleasure that came with it. Before coming to college, you never really thought about sex all that much, just the occasional guilty session where you’d rub one out to the thought of Jaehyun’s hands on you and him telling you what to do like he always did in real life. But those were few and far between and you always felt bad about it afterwards. Now it was entirely different. You reveled in your encounters. It felt good to allow yourself to feel pleasure and share it with someone who genuinely desired you. You got off on it—the effect you had on your partners. Contrary to how your dynamic was and is with Jaehyun, you were shocked to discover how much you enjoyed being the one in control every once in a while. It was much more than just sex to you, it was like discovering a whole other aspect of yourself that you never knew existed and would’ve never known about had Jaehyun not broken your heart. You were enjoying yourself and experiencing new things, just like he told you to, so it was just so fucking hilarious to see him right now, angry and pissed off at you for following the very same advice he gave you. You had noticed the building tantrum a week before it got bad enough for him to confront you about it. He always happened to be at the same parties you attended, and whenever you looked his way, he was always watching you, an ugly grimace on his face and an ominous look in his eyes that told you he was seconds away from ripping apart the person who was daring to touch you limb by limb. He was furious and visibly not in control of his emotions. Perhaps that was the reason why you could decipher another emotion in his eyes that you never saw directed at you before, desire. You didn’t know if it really was the first time he looked at you that way or if he always has but knew better to hide it, but that shit was like a drug to you, and you did everything in your power in order to fan that flame. You wore progressively more revealing clothes and acted progressively more wanton. You made sure he always had a good view of you as you put yourself in all kinds of compromising positions. All your hard efforts culminated to this—him dragging you behind him to his dorm room after he snatched you away from the arms of your dance partner, whom you were practically dry humping on the dance floor. Jaehyun flings you through the door and slams it behind him, his demeanor chilling. You’ve never seen him this angry before. You genuinely didn’t think that your guardian angel was capable of looking this menacing but somehow you managed to get him to this stage. It didn’t help that his bangs, which were normally styled down to give him a soft and fluffy look, were now sleeked back, making his features look severe and accentuating the fury in his eyes. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, huh? What happened to you?” “Enjoying my college life?” You hold your head high, refusing to feel belittled by him. “Weren’t you the one who told me to?” “I meant make friends and join clubs, not be the first contender for the title of campus whore!“ He shouts. You knew Jaehyun was drunk, catastrophically so, otherwise he wouldn’t dream of using that tone with you, let alone call you a whore, but it still pissed you off. You also happened to be equally as drunk as he is and fully prepared to retaliate. “Kinda hard to win that contest when you’re the reigning king. Or is it ok and cool when you fuck a different person every night but it’s dirty when I do it? I never took you to be so sexist, oppa.” “Don’t play dumb, ___. It doesn’t matter what I think of it. You could pretend we live in an ideal world all you want and that a woman and a man can be treated equally, but this is the real world, sweetheart, and it’s ugly and unfair, and it doesn’t care about those naïve ideals you have cooked up in your pretty little head.” Jaehyun gets up in your face and taps on your skull with his fingers, mocking you. “The fact is that a man can sleep around and not catch any flack for it. Hell, he might even be idolized. But a woman like you does it and the size of her tits and how tight or loose her pussy is are the talk of every guy on campus. You may be enjoying yourself now but it won’t be so fun for you when you realize that you’ve made it so all the guys here think you’re only good for being a warm wet hole for them to stick their dicks into.” You were hurt. Jaehyun has never talked to you like that before. Even during his worst moments, he always took care to choose his words carefully so he wouldn’t hurt you, but now it seemed like he wanted to hurt you. He was being vindictive and petty and nothing at all like the Jaehyun you knew, and it hurt you so bad but it also made you angry beyond belief. You weren’t stupid. You were perfectly aware of how fucked up this world is, but he’s your best friend and he’s supposed to be your slice of utopia in this world. That’s what he had always been. Even if the world was unfair, he always supported you and offered you reprise from it, not parroted the bigotry back at you and made you feel like you have to accept it. If all the guys on campus really thought that way about you then they could go fuck themselves. Anyone who adheres to that ridiculous double standard isn’t worth you wasting a single thought on them. The problem lied in the person that already meant the world to you and yet chose to treat you the same way all those fuckers did. “Do you see me as a hole to stick your dick into as well, oppa? Is that why you’re so fired up about this?” He gapes at you, scandalized. “Are you insane? Don’t talk like that.” “Why? It’s the truth. I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me lately. Your dick wants to fuck this easy pussy, but your head is all conflicted about it because I’m your innocent, little girl and you’re not supposed to be thinking that way about me.” “You must be out of your fucking mind.” He hisses, and it really amazes you how he seemed to be getting angrier by the minute. You didn’t think it was humanely possible, but here he is reaching new heights with it. It should scare you off and that is clearly his intention, but the defensive undertone to his words rung clear in your ears and piqued a dangerous blend of curiosity and self-righteousness within you that urged you to expose him for all his lies. He was standing so close to you that you only had to raise your hand in order to place it on his chest, “It’s ok, oppa. You’re a man too.” You slowly trail your hand up and down his firm torso, your ears attuned to the way his breathing got less steady with each pass of your hand over his lower stomach. “You’ve spent your whole life trying to distance yourself from the perverted and less civilized of your gender but this whole thing is forcing you to realize that you’re just like them, and all it took were showing a little bit of skin and being a little provocative for you to get off your high horse and deal with the fact that you want to wreck your little angel.” Your hand slides up to latch onto the nape of his neck, nails scratching lightly at the small hairs they find there. “You talk about other men, but it’s really you who is thinking those dirty things about me, right, oppa?” Jaehyun remains frozen and unresponsive, but you could practically feel the barely suppressed anger unfurling under his skin. “So are you going to grow a pair and do something about it or are you going to continue hiding behind your fake concerns?” A tick in his jaw is all the warning you get before he’s grabbing a hold of you and bending you over the arm of the couch. Your shout of indignation cuts off into a sharp cry when you feel his large hand smack your ass. He might as well have slapped you right on the face for the flush that instantly colors it red. But it won’t be alone for long as Jaehyun seems intent on turning your ass even redder than your face is, delivering harsh, incessant smacks to both cheeks. “You just don’t know how to shut up, do you? You think you’re too grown to listen to your oppa anymore, huh? You think this is all fun and games?” He growls. “Oppa! What are you doing?” You shriek out. You were beside yourself with humiliation. Yes, you were goading him just a second ago but you never imagined he would actually do something like this! He chuckles mirthlessly, not stopping his assault. If anything he spanks you harder. “Where did the confident, sexually forward woman go? You’re gonna act all innocent now that you’re faced with the consequences of your actions? Well that’s too bad, angel, it’s a little late for that. If you wanna go around wearing big girl panties and acting like a slut, then you’ll be treated like one.” Fuck, this was so wrong, not just because of the degrading position and the way he was speaking down to you, but because of how much it was actually turning you on. The rumble in his voice and the rough, open-handed strikes he pelts your ass with do nothing but make you squirm with arousal. As you’re stuck trying to juggle between coming to terms with the embarrassing effect he has on you and simultaneously trying to hide it from him, you get struck with a sudden epiphany. You realize now why you had always allowed him to control your life; simply, you enjoyed it. You were just blissfully unaware of how much you’d enjoy him forcing you to submit to him. “Look at this, your skirt isn’t even covering your ass properly. Such a fucking slut.” He tuts, his hand taking a reprise from spanking you to rub over your red, exposed skin. “I can fucking see your pussy from here.” To prove his point, he insinuates his hand between your thighs, his fingers easily coming into contact with said panties. “Fuck, you’re so wet.” He purred, thrilled by your body’s honesty. “You like this, don’t you? You know you deserve to be punished.” Impatient, he rips the panties down your legs and hurries to put his fingers on you again, moaning in appreciation when they touch the bare, velvety skin. “See? You’re a good girl. You just needed oppa to remind you.” Hearing him praise you like that, you couldn’t help yourself; you feel your pussy clenching around nothing, causing a small dribble of arousal to come out of your hole and coat Jaehyun’s fingers. “Damn, you really are needy. Now I see why you’re sleeping around so much. You can’t help yourself. You need someone to fill you up and take care of the ache in your pussy. Do you want me to do that for you, baby girl? Do you need oppa to stuff you with his cock and make the pain go away?” You feel yourself on the verge of tears, humiliated like you’ve never been before. Jaehyun is making you sound like some kind of a sex-crazed nymphomaniac which you weren’t at all, but it was hard to argue his point when just the light touch of his fingers on your pussy and the faint whiff of his cologne that permeated the air were making you hyperventilate. Feeling embarrassed but desperate, you push your ass back onto his finger and whine, hoping he would take some pity on you and spare you the degradation of having to say it outloud. He responds to that by removing his fingers entirely to deliver two cruel smacks to your already red and sore ass, his wet fingers leaving sticky stains on your cheeks. “That’s not how we ask for something, brat.” “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You wail, “It just hurts so bad!” “Where does it hurt, baby?” He coos, pretending to be concerned. He trails two fingers up and down your slit a few times before they settle against your hole, dipping inside shallowly. “Here?” “Yes! Please, oppa.” You cry out in frustration, putting all your effort into stopping yourself from pushing your ass back again to take his fingers deeper into you. He hums, pleased with your answer, and rewards you by pushing his fingers all the way inside you, the width of them stinging a bit, but it still felt better than anything you’ve ever experienced before. Guess it’s true that sex with someone you love feels intensifies everything. You were getting so close already, and you try to pull your legs together to rub them against each other, but Jaehyun places himself between them and forces them back apart, smacking your ass with his free hand then massaging where he hit when he hears you whimpering in pain. “You’ve done so well already, don’t misbehave now.” He pumps his fingers in and out of you, and your legs shake with the effort to hold yourself up and keep them spread. Jaehyun notices your distress right away,“Oh, are you close, angel?” He taunts, “Are you that needy? Or do you just want oppa so bad?” “Please, can I cum?” You deflect the question, not feeling up to the effort it would take to lie to him but also not prepared to reveal your lifelong crush on him while you were bent over the couch getting fingered by him. That’s not what your nine year old self imagined it going at all. He sighs, but lets you get away with it. “Yes, sweetheart, you can cum.” “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” You repeat like a mantra, feeling a sense of unrivaled euphoria ravage your body at how good his fingers feel inside you and how long you’ve been waiting for it. You’re boneless by the time your orgasm dies down, leaving you exhausted and vulnerable to the effects of the alcohol that was finally taking a toll on you. So when you hear the sounds of a zipper going down and a foil package getting ripped opened, you whine insolently, worried that your poor tired body might not be able to survive getting fucked by him if he continues being this rough with you. “Hush, brat.” He slaps you, this time over your sensitive pussy making you spasm in shock before falling boneless again. He gathers you in his arms and lays you on your back on the couch, pulling your thighs tight against your chest. Keeping your legs spread and heels in the air, he pushes himself inside you, grunting, “Take my cock like a good girl. This is what you wanted after all.” When he’s all the way inside you, his breath leaves him in a shaky sigh, and he takes a moment before he starts moving. But when he does, he doesn’t hold back, snapping his hips into you as hard as he had smacked your ass earlier, as if intending to make this into a punishment as well. It was certainly just as humiliating, for he pushes your top and bra up to your chin so he could leer at your breasts as they bounce up and down with every thrust while his hands keep your legs spread wide with your heels up in the air. You felt every bit the slut he was accusing you of being, and yet you couldn’t stop yourself from drenching his cock in your juices, overwhelmed by a crude sense of pleasure at being manhandled and used by him, at having the man you’ve loved all your life claiming you in such a primal way. “Fuck, you’re tightening up.” He drawls, the words heavy on his tongue as he snaps his hips into you harder to overcome the resistance. Are you gonna cum again? You like my cock that much. baby?” You turn your head to the side, trying to bury your face in the cushions to hide from him, but Jaehyun doesn’t allow it. He stops his movement and tugs on your hair sharply, forcing you to face him again. He bends down so his upper body is draped over you, his face mere inches from yours. The new position has his other hand pressing your thigh harder against your chest, making it cramp, and you whimper in pain. “Oppa, it hurts.” “Say it, angel.” He lets go of your thigh and moves his hand to your lower abdomen, his thumb hovering just above your clit. “Tell oppa how much you like his cock and I’ll let you cum again.”

His gaze pierces yours, ordering more than asking you to obey him, and it’s a crime how sexy he looks even as his skin glistens and his bangs stick to his forehead with sweat. His figure looms over yours and he exudes a dominance you were no match for. You never were. So, meekly, submissively, you give him what he wants. “I like it so much.” “Like what?” His gaze doesn’t free yours as his hips pick up the pace again. It smolders, lighting your every nerve ending on a fire that is fanned by the grunts and moans that escape through his clenched teeth as he feels your walls clenching down on him. “Your cock, oppa. I like your cock so much.” You really did. His cock fills you up just right, just a little bit too big so it give you that delicious burn as it forces its way between your walls, but not too big to actually hurt you. All that sleeping around must’ve did wonders for his skills because he knew just how to move his hips, which angle to hit to make your mind go blank and submit to him. “Please let me cum on your cock.” You whine, fearing that the overwhelming pleasure might short-circuit your heart if it didn’t find a release soon. “Plea—AH, fuck, Jae, Jae!” It only takes a couple of flicks of his thumb to have you spasm around him. He fucks you through it, grunting with effort as your walls get even tighter, making it harder for him to keep fucking you, but he doesn’t stop. Your orgasm feels never ending as he drags it out in order to reach his own, stretching your nerves thin with the over stimulation. Finally, finally, his hips stutter and he give you one last brutal thrust before he groans and collapses over you. His sweaty body, his hot breaths in the crook of your neck, and his cock throbbing inside of you as he cums almost suffocate you. The heat of him around you, inside of you, is overwhelming, and you feel like you’re trapped inside a furnace. Just before you start gasping for breath, he gets off of you, taking care to not let the condom slip inside of you as he pulls it off and ties it then gets up to dispose of it. Without his body warmth, and his warm presence, your entire body erupts into goosebumps, and you quickly yearn for his suffocating heat once again. Luckily, Jaehyun’s absence doesn’t last for long. Ever the gentleman, he comes back with a wet, warm towel that he uses to clean up the mess you’ve made between your legs. When he’s done, he tosses it to the side and scoops you up in his arms, taking you to his room. He sets you down on the bed gently, taking care to avoid putting pressure on your bruised bottom. You’re like a rag doll in his hands as he strips you down and dresses you up in one of his big shirts. He then grabs some cream, and coaxing you to lie on your stomach, he massages it on your reddened bottom, kissing the top of your head softly every time you wince in pain. When he’s done with everything, he engulfs you in his arms and whispers a soft good night in your ear.

And sure it felt great to be treated so tenderly by him, that was one of the reasons you were so ready to submit to him in the first place; Jaehyun always knew how to make it worth your while. He knew how to pamper you so you’d strive to please him in order to get more of it.

On the surface of it, this looked like everything you’ve ever wanted, if only it wasn’t ruined by your knowledge that it was decidedly not. This isn’t a boyfriend caring for his lover after sharing a heated moment of intimacy. This was… well, you didn’t even know what the hell it was, and the huge question mark that hung in the air kept you from deriving any sense of enjoyment out of the situation.

You need to talk about what just happened. You needed to know what this means. Did Jaehyun like you too or was this just a sexual thing? Does he even find you sexually attractive or was he just drunk and pissed off? Is this something that could possibly happen again? Can there be something more?

You had so many questions to ask, but your eyelids were heavy and your mind was heavier, and before you knew it, it shut down on you mid-thought and plunged you into the blissful land of slumber.

“Let’s go get your stuff.”

“What?” You croak, barely having woken up yet, not to mention that some motherfucker was pounding on the inside of your skull like he was trying to break out.

Jaehyun stares at you, his eyes unnerving and entirely too sober. “You’re moving in with me. I need to keep a closer eye on you from now on. I won’t let you continue living this kind of lifestyle.”

Just like that, all sleep flew from your mind.

“What the actual fuck, Jaehyun?” You explode, “At least make a girl some breakfast before you go full chauvinist on her.”

“That’s not funny.” He deadpans, “I’m worried about you.”

“Well, you don’t need to. I’m a big girl. I don’t need you to check for monsters under my bed anymore.” You retort, incredibly annoyed that this was the direction the conversation was taking. This isn’t what you thought you’d be talking about. Dumb, little girl.

“Here we go again.” He rolls his eyes, and your cheeks flame at how condescending the gesture was. “You’re just a child who is playing at being an adult. You don’t realize the mess you’re getting yourself into. I can’t stand by and let you ruin yourself like this. I’ve taken care of you your whole life and I’m not about to stop now, even if you’re going to hate me for it.”

“I’m not your fucking doll, Jaehyun. Don’t I get to have a say in my own life? God, are you even listening to yourself?” You massage your forehead, unable to contend with both the headache and the unreasonable man. It was different when you were drunk and horny and trying to get into his pants, but now his words sounded just as ridiculous to you as they were. “If I had known you’d turn into this sexist, controlling asswipe the moment I did something you didn’t like, I would never have come here.”

He flinches at your words, looking wounded, but you can’t find it in you to feel sorry for him. He brought this on himself.

“I only want what’s best for you, angel.” He takes your hand between his own but you yank it away.

“You think slutshaming and controlling me is what’s best for me? It’s what’s best for you. You can’t handle that I’m not the virginal little girl you used to know and that I’m now a woman with an actual sex drive. You don’t like the ugly truth it’s making you confront about yourself so you want to force me to wear my old skin again so you can go on pretending you’re still the nice guy you always thought you were. You’re such a fucking hypocrite, Jaehyun.”

“You’re right. I am a hypocrite. I criticized you for the same thing I gave myself a pass for, and that’s not fair.”

“Thank you.” You mumble, finding it strange how he gave in so easily, but feeling relieved nonetheless.

“So I should stop too. I won’t fuck around anymore. I’ll clean up my act and go back to being the older brother you deserve.”

“What?” You sputter, dumbfounded. “That’s not what I’m saying. You can fuck whoever you want. I don’t care.”

Your protest was weak and you knew it. You did care, a whole fucking lot. You were accusing him of being a hypocrite, yet here you are, ready to denounce your sexual awakening in exchange for keeping him celibate as well. It just hurt so bad to see him with all those women, and it never, ever got better. So if the price of you never having to see that sight again is sacrificing your own sexual freedom then would that really be so bad? You’ve lived through that before. You’re used to it.

“I know you don’t.” He gives you a strange smile, one you’ve never seen on his face before, and yet it feels so profoundly familiar. When he takes your hand in his again, you let him. “But I care. I care about being someone you respect and look up to, and I won’t achieve that by sleeping around.”

“I would still respect you even if you slept around, oppa. It’s your choice. I don’t want to snuff out your love life.” Your words said one thing, but your body language said another. You were looking at him with big, wet eyes and a woeful face that you knew he could never resist. You were playing the role of the martyr who is willing to sacrifice her own happiness in order to make him happy, because you knew that Jaehyun would never allow that to happen.

“You’re not snuffing out my love life. I can still date.” You couldn’t keep your face from visibly falling at that, and he hurries to clarify, thinking that your problem lied in his double standards again rather than your jealousy over him being with another woman. “And you can too! I’m not against you finding a nice guy and building a long lasting and loving relationship with him. On the contrary, that would make me so happy.”

He gives you a bright smile that you mirror with your own soulless one, but he doesn’t notice your lack of enthusiasm, and continues on. “I know that sleeping around isn’t necessarily a bad thing nor does it make you a bad person, but I just want to make sure that no one is taking advantage of you and that you’re safe and with someone who deserves you. Of course, he’d have to come through me first.” He chuckles, but this time you don’t even bother giving him a reaction.

“Is that alright with you, angel?” His knuckles caress your cheek softly, and you close your eyes, leaning into his touch and resigning yourself to a life of being wrapped around his finger. “Yes, oppa.”

A/N: I’m on hiatus so I don’t have time to pour over this story as I normally would have so excuse the cheese and the cliches. Anyway feedback keeps me alive so I’d love to hear from you guys.

#jaehyun smut #jaehyun angst #jaehyun college!au #jaehyun bestfriends!au #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun imagines #jaehyun fanfics #nct smut #nct angst #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct fanfics

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mamabearcat · 5 years

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All Fired Up - Part 5

Sorry, I’ve been sitting on this chapter for a couple of days. And the next one probably won’t be done for a while - I’m gonna be busy with IRL stuff for the next couple of weeks. And I have my other NaLu and InuKag chapter fics that I’m working on too! I really do like to make my life difficult!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Prefer to read it on fanfiction.net? Here ya go! All Fired Up

“I’m thinkin’ of asking Lucy to move in.”

Gray nearly dropped the rolled fire hose that he and Natsu were carrying back to the truck after running through drills earlier with the new recruits.

Natsu looked up when his partner didn’t answer, taking in his widened eyes. “What?”

“Uh, Natsu, haven’t you only known her for, like, a week?”

Natsu growled in answer, tempted to drop his hose and punch his so-called best friend in the shoulder. “Goddammit Gray, not like that! As friends, you dick!” He grunted, lifting the heavy rolled hose and putting it back in the truck. “They’ll be discharging her from the burns unit in a few days, and she’s got nowhere to stay.” He pulled his gloves off and stowed them in the back pocket of his navy uniform pants. “Besides, it’s not like it’ll be just the two of us. Wendy’s there. And now that Gajeel’s moved out we have a spare room. Although”, he made a gagging face, “I’ll have to disinfect it or somethin’ before she moves in there.”

Gray’s eyebrows rose further in surprise. “She doesn’t have any relatives or friends here in Magnolia that she can stay with?” He placed the hose he’d been carrying back and pulled down the shutter door on the side of the fire truck, after double checking all the hoses were stowed securely.

Natsu shook his head. “She doesn’t have any family. And she just moved here.”

“Man, that sucks”, empathised Gray.

“Yeah. I just thought that seeing our house isn’t that far from the hospital, it would make things easier for her. Her doctor said she’ll have to go back to outpatients to get her bandages changed for the next week or so once she’s discharged.” Natsu tucked the key to the engine safely into his pocket. “Besides, I’ll feel better knowing where she’s stayin’ until they catch that arsonist.”

“Well, she definitely seems to be easy to get on with.” Gray had met Lucy a few days ago, when he and Natsu had dropped in for a quick visit before their shift at the firehouse started. “She seems very happy.” His eyebrow quirked up when Natsu made a face. “What, she’s not happy? She smiled the whole time I was visiting!”

Natsu huffed out a deep breath. “Gray, remember back in high school, when I used to fly off the handle and get in fights all the time? After Igneel died I mean. When I was a major dumbass.”

“What, you’re not a dumbass anymore? Could a fooled me”, grinned Gray. He chuckled at the glowering look on Natsu’s face, then dropped his smile with a sigh. “Yeah, I remember.”

Natsu looked out across the empty field behind the firehouse to the docks and ships visible in the distance. “I think Lucy’s smiles are like that. Her dad only died six months ago.”

“You think she’s depressed?”

“I’m sure of it. I wanna help her Gray. If she’ll let me.”

Gray’s smile returned. “You really like this girl, don’t you?” Natsu’s gaze didn’t shift from looking out to the docklands and he didn’t answer, but to Gray’s mind, he didn’t need to. The rising blush heating the back of Natsu’s neck told Gray more than any words he might say.

Lucy spluttered, waving her hands in front of her. “Wendy, Natsu, no! I couldn’t possibly intrude like that!”

Wendy flicked her long blue plait over her shoulder, pulling her chair closer to the edge of Lucy’s hospital bed. “Seriously Lucy, you’d be doing us a favour. The house feels so empty when Natsu’s on a 24-hour shift at the fire house now that Gajeel’s moved out. Not that he ever said too much. You’ve met him, you know what a great conversationalist he is.” Natsu sniggered in the background at Wendy’s comment.

Lucy smiled. Gajeel was one of the policemen that had been assigned to keep an eye on her after Erza’s first visit, and she’d been surprised to learn that he was Natsu and Wendy’s cousin. He’d looked a little intimidating, but she’d done her best to get to know him, trying to engage him in conversation when he was on duty. She had only managed to get a few grunts and noncommittal shrugs out of him, and he’d spent most of his time slouched near the doorway. His partner Levy was much easier to talk to.

She’d been under 24-hour watch since she’d made a second formal statement to Erza and her partner Jellal about her run in with the arsonist. Two other police, Officers Jet and Droy, were assigned during the evening shift. Erza now even had a possible suspect, but they still hadn’t been able to catch him. There hadn’t been any more fires after the one at Lucy’s apartment, but Erza was confident that he would strike again.

The fact that the arsonist was still at large, and that Erza had decided she still needed a police guard did make Lucy feel a little uneasy about leaving the hospital. It was one of Natsu’s main arguments for having her move in with him and Wendy.

Natsu parked himself on the end of the bed near Lucy’s feet. “C’mon Luce. It’ll be fun! Where else are you gonna be able to find a place to stay with Plue until you decide what to do with your apartment? It’s not that far from the hospital, so you’ll be able to come back here easily for your appointments and stuff.”

Lucy looked at him uncertainly. “But you could rent out that room and get money for it.”

Natsu snorted. “Why would me an’ Wend want some stranger livin’ in our house when we could have you Lucy?”

Lucy sighed at him. “Natsu, we only met a week ago. I am some stranger.”

“Pfft. Are not. I know all the important stuff about you Lucy.”

Lucy raised a quizzical eyebrow.

Natsu grinned and started to tick items off on his fingers. “I know you don’t snore when you sleep. I know you’re gainfully employed, because I was here when that guy Jason dropped in to visit you, and he said you could work freelance until you were up to going back full time. I know you like Jackie Chan movies. I know you love spicy food.” He wiggled his fingers at her. “Perfect housemate material as far as I’m concerned.” Lucy still had a worried look on her face and he sighed, dropping his hands into his lap and shrugged. “Lucy, if you really don’t like stayin’ with us after a week, I’ll help you find somethin’ else. Scout’s honour.”

Lucy tried to stop the grin that wanted to spread across her face. “Natsu, were you ever a scout?”

“Nuh uh. But it sounds more trustworthy if I say it that way, don’tcha think?”

Wendy added her voice to Natsu’s. “I’ll help too, if you change your mind. But, please, come try staying with us Lucy. It’ll be so nice to have another female in the house, after being the only girl living with slobby, smelly boys all this time.”

“Oi!” growled Natsu, raising his eyebrows. “Don’t lump me in with that metal freak Gajeel!”

Lucy giggled at the mock outrage on his face, and the cheesy grin he tossed her way at the sound of her laugh. She couldn’t help feeling happier when she was around him. Something about him made her feel more like herself than she had in a long time.

“Okay, you’ve convinced me.” Their matching cheers made her heart feel warm, and for the first time, she was feeling excited about leaving the cocoon of safety that her hospital room had become.

“You got everything Lucy?” asked Natsu, hovering in the doorway to her hospital room.

Lucy looked down at the shopping bags in her hands. “Yup, all set.”

She’d given her clothing sizes to Wendy, who’d gone shopping for some basic underwear and a couple of outfits until she could go shopping herself. The tubigrip dressings on her arms and legs felt weird under her loose cotton t-shirt and pants, and the burns on the top of her feet limited her footwear choices to flip flops, but it wasn’t like she was trying to win any fashion awards at the moment.

“Okay, hand ‘em over Luce”, said Natsu, gesturing to the shopping bags. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

They walked down the hallway to the lift, Lucy waving goodbye to various nurses as they saw them. She paused in front of the lift for a moment, taking a deep breath, before stepping in. The bustle in the hospital lobby as the lift door opened on the ground floor surprised Lucy for a moment – it felt strange seeing so many different people after staying in one room for nearly a week.

Natsu strode purposefully out through the double doors at the hospital entrance and off towards the carpark. Lucy tried to keep up, but soon she was out of breath and had to stop, leaning forward with her hands braced on her thighs. The occupational therapist at the hospital had said she’d probably get out of breath for a little while as her lungs healed, but she hadn’t realised it would occur this easily. Natsu hadn’t even been walking that fast.

Natsu turned as he noticed she was no longer following him, and realised what was wrong straight away, as he took in her panting breaths and slightly pale face. “Shit Lucy, you should a said somethin’ if I was goin’ too fast. Do you need me to take you back?” He hovered next to her anxiously.

Lucy shook her head and stood up. “I’m good… just need to… catch my breath.” Natsu smiled, although his expression was still a little perturbed.

“No worries, Lucy. We’ll just stay here and admire the scenery, until you’re ready to move again.”

“Natsu… we’re in a… carpark”, Lucy giggled in between deep breaths.

“Well, it’s a pretty nice carpark, as carparks go. I’ve seen worse.” He watched her carefully until her breathing became more even, then put both shopping bags in one hand, extending his elbow out in front of her. “Are you ready to proceed to your chariot now milady?”

“Why thank you kind sir.” Lucy wrapped her fingers around Natsu’s bicep, and they headed on through the carpark at a much gentler pace, stopping in front of a beat up fire-engine red Datsun 510. “Wait, this is your car?”

“Yup”, said Natsu, opening the passenger side door for Lucy and tapping the roof of the car affectionately. “She may be a little old now, but she still purrs like a kitten. Dad’s hobby was rebuilding old cars – I helped him do this one when I was in high school.”

Lucy rubbed her hand over the black leather seats as she looked for the seatbelt. “Doesn’t he like doing that anymore? Rebuilding cars I mean?”

Natsu dropped into the driver’s seat and slammed the car door. He paused for a moment and then gave her a half smile. “My Dad died when I was 15, not long after we’d finished working on this car actually.” Reacting to the distressed expression on Lucy’s face, he reached out his hand and placed it gently over hers. “Please don’t say you’re sorry Lucy. I like talkin’ about my old man. He was a great dad, and I like thinkin’ about him.”

Lucy’s gaze dropped to her lap. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that.”

Natsu squeezed her hand. “If you ever do want to talk, you know I’ll be happy to listen, okay?” Lucy nodded, her eyes still lowered, and Natsu gently let go of her hand, starting up the engine.

“Okay Lucy, I got big plans for your first night as a house mate. We’ll get you settled in, and when Wendy gets home from her shift, we’re gonna order spicy takeaway, have a three-way Mario Kart battle, and follow it up by watching Project A. Sound good?”

Lucy took in a deep breath. The grin on Natsu’s face was infectious, and the smile she returned was genuine, if a trifle watery. “Better than good Natsu. That sounds perfect.”

Chapter 6

#nalu #nalu fanfiction #firefighter AU #Bearpluscat fanfics #natsu x lucy #omg they were roommates #almost

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comicteaparty · 4 years

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March 28th-April 3rd, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from March 28th, 2020 to April 3rd, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

How many hours do you work on your comic per week, and how do you manager to balance that with other responsibilities?

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

heheh So we are.. cheating a bit Both me and my coworker are unemployed, and is working on hour comic, like was it a full time job. It is our passion project, and dream that we can work and live of makeing comics. In Denmark you can apply for grants from the government, but you need to have releashed a book before that is possible. We are useing the comic, to show potentional clients in the future what we can do. For now we are working on it from 09:00-17:00 ish (with a long lunch break) while applying for other kinds of grants, and also does all the things we are supposed to to get our unemplyment money, and searching for jobs, and freelance gigs, gathering the courage to start our own small company (not right now though) and yeaah time will tell

carcarchu

@Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS that doesn't sound like cheating to me? more like using the tools at your disposal to turn your passion into a viable career

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

hehe it feels a little like cheating! there are some debates about if it is okay or not, but we think that strengthening our skills is a good use of our time

eli [a winged tale]

Haha also not cheating! It’s great you’re using the time to chase the dream I’m curious what’s your breakdown for those time working on the comic? As for me, usually 1-2 hours a day with a bit more on the weekend if time permits. These days with the quarantine it’s about 2-3 h a day

DanitheCarutor

Since I'm unemployed until who knows when I've been working on my comic between 40-50 hours a week about 6 to 7 days a week... most weeks. Some days, like update day or chore day, I hardly work on the comic or don't work on it at all. Admittedly I'm not the best at balancing drawing with other responsibilities, sometimes I get so into it that I forget about daily house chores, other weeks I do the opposite and only do house chores which makes me totally behind of comic stuff. I can't seem to find a good middle ground, it always turns into completely focusing on one or the other.

eli [a winged tale]

Yeah when I get in the zone, time flies and life gets put to the wayside

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

So I have no school or work, so the webcomic has become almost a fulltime project for me

I average about 10 hours per day working on it, not counting on chores and exercise

Another thing I worry about is the possibility of carpal tunnel syndrome, which is why I've been relentless with exercise, too

I guess it's just a combination of relentless reminders and also sheer willpower that gets me to do other responsibilities haha

@eli [a winged tale] also I know that feeling

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

So since my school had to cancel, I have to be more responsible for my online course. Sometimes I give myself 2 days off each week to work more into my upcoming webcomic but I have to switch my mind for school work, online classes. Also extra time for food. I need to get back into exercise or I feel exhausted more easily. I keep a wall schedule so that I make it a routine to write what I'll do every 3 or 5 days, to keep my active brain reminded(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I spent the majority of last year (fun)employed (partially by choice, partially not! my previous job let me go rather unceremoniously... and I needed a hiatus anyway... so it worked out) so I poured a lot more hours into that chapter of Phantomarine than I usually did. I worked on it almost every day - at least for a couple of hours, but sometimes up to a full eight-hour day. That number has dipped tremendously since I’ve gone back to work, but I’m spreading the same amount of time out in a broader way. I’m trying to get a good buffer during my hiatus, so I can work and draw in a healthy balance. I don’t have crazy overtime at my current job like I did at my last one, so that’s already a comfort. I’m confident I’ll be able to hit a good stride once the comic returns in June (edited)

eli [a winged tale]

Can’t wait Lady!!

Feather J. Fern

Two part time jobs, and school killed my comic, but I been working on getting one panel done a day, which is around 30minutes to an hour if possible.

eli [a winged tale]

My routine used to be rendering on the commute but now just once in am and once pm until this limbo time is clarified

That’s awesome Feather! It’s so rewarding when everything comes together after putting effort everyday

Feather J. Fern

Once school is done in two more weeks I will be more free to do things so I hope to get maybe two panels done in a day XD

Online school, stupid quarantine

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Due to the pandemic im mostly off school and my part time job so i spend like 4-5 hours on my comic per day. Still would like try to get a page done per day but lmao digital painting is slowwww

eli [a winged tale]

What’s everyone’s tips for breaks/stretches/balance? I feel like I certainly need to revisit these to avoid burnout and continue feeling motivated!

Feather J. Fern

Actually there was a cool manga artist who's tip was literally he only worked working hours. His mornings are free and since manga was his job, he worked form 12-6, giving him 2 hours to do other work he needs to get done, and takes morning walks and stuff.

Another person I know had "No working weekends" as a thing becuase they are a freelancer.

I personally have try to make sure I ahve a routine, and actually, stretch before drawing.

Streetch before, during a break, and then after, to keep that body nice and warmed up

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Health-wise there's this hing for your : every 20 minutes, look at something 20 feet away for 20 seconds. I'm not good at following this, but when I do it, it helps a lot.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Despite the current pandemic, my work-life hasn't changed much (unless you count stress getting in the way). I am currently "unemployed," but I do consider comicking my full-time job. I am also not very good at balancing work and life. Something's always gotta give. Last year, I worked at a job that basically ruined my ability to work on my comic. I worked 30-40 hours typically, ruined my sleep schedule, took work home sometimes, and was constantly exhausted. This is what resulted in my year and a half long hiatus, and it's what drove me to work like hell on my comic when I quit. Now (when I'm in the groove and not suffering from art block), I typically spend 60-70 hours on my comic and get 2-3 pages done: - 30 hours sketching (I know, ridiculous) - 5 hours filling in base colors - 20-25 hours painting - 5 hours adding text, speech bubbles, sfx, and finishing touches - 1-2 hours formatting for Webtoon I also spend some time throughout the week typing up the script, doing concept art for things coming in the future of the comic, and preparing for conventions, but I can't tell you exactly how much time.

eli [a winged tale]

Thanks for the breakdown! I’m always keen to learn from everyone and seeing how the workflow is like for different people

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

oh don't forget to do wrist stretches!

eli [a winged tale]

Ahh formatting time is always so tedious for me!

Yes wrist exercises! Any recommendations?

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

hmmm well the easiest one is literally just shaking it out

like every hour

and I also like to hold my arm out parallel, point my fingers up and using my other hand to pull the fingers back so i'm stretching the wrist

then I point the fingers down and pull on the fingers until my wrist is stretching

eli [a winged tale]

Awesome. Will be adopting those!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I'm pretty fast. 2-6 hours per page, depending on how detailed it is. Average of 3-4. I could probably do 2 pages/ week easily enough, but don't want to do more than that. I'm the kind of person who always needs to be doing a million different things. I need to leave time for my other hobbies and my paintings and my academics and extracurriculars. Otherwise I'd get burnt out doing one thing only

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

@eli [a winged tale] So since it is both me and @Q (Wayfinders: Off Course) working, we start with working on a rough each, our goal is one step (so rough, ink, color) for two pages pr day, pr person. So in a weak the goal is four finished pages a week, and then we upload 3 pages per week. So it is divided that in the morning we start at 09:00 in the morning, maybe checking mail, being practical or whatever. Then we work until 12:00 were we eat lunch, go for a long nice walk and then we go back to work between 13:00 and 14:00 ish and then work until 17:00 when we begin to prepare dinner. Then of course breaks inbetween

Q (Wayfinders: Off Course)

It’s pretty wild to be able to dedicate your entire day to comics like that

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

damn you all work fast

do you guys have any tips on how to work on a webcomic faster?

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Lol, I wish!

Still looking for those magical secrets

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

@shadowhood (SunnyxRain) You know the 80-20 rule? You can get 80% of the result with 20% of the effort? My comic is very messy if you zoom in. I don't spend time making sure the linework or the coloring is perfectly clean. Also, I'm pretty fast at drawing figures. I used to practice figure drawing a lot by rushing to draw strangers irl before they moved, or by drawing a bunch of fast figures from the free figure drawing model websites online. I've also taken a figure drawing course (didn't even have to pay because it was part of my university! Even if you don't have that option you can probably find free life drawing sessions on Meetup or similar!) which really helped me streamline my process for drawing people

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Oh I see! Yes, I used to take life drawing classes too! And your response makes me feel a lot better

I tend to be a bit messy with inking, and since i'm a perfectionist a lot of my time is wasted on editing/clean up

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I've seen cronaj draw, and while I think the results look excellent, I think her method is a kind of inefficient. She draws like a printer, nearly finishing one detailed body part before moving on the the next. I think maybe if she drew in a more classical way, going from a gesture drawing to progressively more detailed, it might help her be faster and her poses more cohesive and dynamic. Maybe working on 1 or 5 min figures would help? Practicing things like this?

eli [a winged tale]

Yeah I try to do figure practices for efficiency

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I heard that there are some online life drawing vids you can follow too

but what are your experiences with online life drawing vids versus the real thing

like is there a real difference?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

found some of my old 1 minutes

To me there's not too much difference

I've heard some people say that life drawing is either way easier or way harder though. Because of your depth perception when looking at a real person

But the bruises on my legs can attest to my horrid depth perception haha. That might be why I don't notice a difference

Actually those previous sketches might be 30 seconds? I don't remember

I would recommend you try both but right now we pretty much only have the online option haha

eli [a winged tale]

Yeah I’ve done both and I think irl creates complexity with depth and the interactions with others etc is helpful but online is my go to for flexibility

I think having a process streamlined will make things more efficient. The downside is that it might feel tedious and I do switch it up from time to time for variety

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Might feel uncomfortable but that's how you know you're improving

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

There is a TON of difference for me. I HAVE to look at a physical model in front of me.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Can't get better if you always do the same things

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

This is what my brain does.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I wonder- could drawing yourself in a mirror be a decent substitute?

If youre lucky you might also be able to ask an SO or roommate to model for you. Should probably pay them back by cooking for them or something though

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Brain: sees a real model in front of me Brain: translates 3D to 2D, result: drawing Brain: sees a photo/video of a model Brain: SHIT. That's supposed to be 3D, isn't it? Brain: Translates 2D to 3D (basically re-constructing it in my head, or attempting to re-construct) so that it can translate it back to 2D Brain: BSOD

There's some online resources out there that have "3D" photos... you know, two near-identical images side by side, so if you look at it cross-eyed, it becomes 3D?

But I can't do those because I get a headache X'D

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Just thinking about drawing from that makes me dizzy

eli [a winged tale]

Oh interesting!

Yeah maybe looking out the window to draw people would be the way to go...

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

But maybe figure drawing in VR exists?

eli [a winged tale]

Balcony figure drawings

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I live on the top floor so those are going to be some very small figures

eli [a winged tale]

For ants

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Once this coronavirus thing is over, there's lots of ways you can do gesture drawings from just random people -- bus stops, cafes, museums (I have not done this, but people who have done this report this is really good because others assume you're drawing the artworks. XD)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I've done this a lot

Sometimes I've even shown people drawing of themselves if they've turned out particularly nice

They've always taken it well

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I like drawing my professors because they use hand gestures a lot when they talk

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Airport was REALLY good for finding people stuck in one pose indefinitely

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

they alwayas laugh when I show them

eli [a winged tale]

Shadow omg I do that too

Draws classmates

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

yeah the only issue i have with drawing classmates

is that they're always doing the "i'm using my phone" pose

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Become the master of drawing people on their phones

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Maybe try drawing children on the playground?

This works better if you're a woman

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

oh thank jesus

I also like going to the zoo or the museum

or the aquarium if i'm feeling adventurous

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I am a University student so I also have some pretty interestng drawings of people asleep in weird poses

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I really need to start going to weekly figure drawing sessions once this is over (there's one here... 20 min drive... 8AM Saturdays )

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

ditto or just go to the park and draw

and @Eightfish (Puppeteer) I've had some.....weird poses from all my profs

one guy was incredibly hard to draw; he was VERY enthusiastic about showing us knife skills

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The parks here are too spacious, to a degree where it's weird to get close enough to people

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Bring binoculars

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Don't worry ma'am I'm an artist

nothing sketchy

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

(except my sketch)

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

A+ pun right there

another place to go for figure drawing

theaters

like.....opera/plays

I once tried drawing the men dancing in the Newsies musical

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Tried that once, but it took me out of the performance

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

same i was dazzled by dancing men

aaaaand then i abandoned sketching at all when they started throwing newspaper strips into the audience

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

But they were giving you free paper!

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

THEY WERE

i'll take what i can get

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

@Eightfish (Puppeteer) While I agree that my method of drawing is "inefficient," I do not draw like a printer. There are videos of people drawing like a printer and it's not what I'm doing. I have done gesture drawing before, but it always looked incredibly abstract, and not quite like people, which is fine, but not what I'm going for. I treat gesture drawing like a warm-up exercise. It doesn't really do anything for my end result, but gets my drawing muscles stretched out.(edited)

eli [a winged tale]

Gesture drawings are definitely a good warmup!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Perhaps it was an inappropriate analogy. What works for me I guess wouldn't work for everyone. I was trying to offer advice because whenever you talk about how much time you spend on art and you work life balance it's commendable but also dismaying. I hope you find something that works for you in the future

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Oh god.. I sometimes work 6 hours a day. I guess thats like 30 hours a week? Crazy to think about, it's like a full job

Oooh you guys are sharing figure drawings... I swant to show some of mine

Behold

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

My figure drawing usually breaks down into like, medical anatomy study. I feel like I understand body shapes better by including the muscles & bones

carcarchu

ABS the most important figure study

Deo101 [Millennium]

ah figure drawing? I love figure drawing ^^

I do like a lot but this kinda thing is most of it

anyways as for the question at hand, I do a lot of different things for my comics weekly. My millennium pages take me 2-6 hours i would say, but I also have patreon things I need to do so I'd say i spend 10-15 hours on it a week. for my other comic, I spend about 6 hours an update, and it updates every other week. but honestly, all of my free time goes to assorted comics. If i'm not working on school work or chatting with people, I'm working on things for patreon, potential merch, or other comics I want to start sometime.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Oooh nice poses!!’

Deo101 [Millennium]

thanks!! I have a ton of gesture/figure drawings but these ones are my most recent that I have saved to my computer i think

10 minutes im pretty sure. very good for speeding up

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Those look really nice, good values

Deo101 [Millennium]

thanks ^^ I really hate working in charcoal honestly, it kinda always winds up hurting my body somehow, but its very quick sooooooo

kayotics

My answer for the prompt question has changed a lot since I started quarantine lmao... I used to do about 10 hours of work throughout the week on my comic page (usually after work, I have an office job) but ironically it’s gotten harder while I work from home. I’ve been struggling to find time since I don’t have a separation between work and home now, and putting the boundaries up of “I’m not always available” to coworkers is difficult.

Also on figure studies: they’re a great way to practice speed. I use the concepts of figure drawings all the time.

RebelVampire

@kayotics As someone who always works from home doing remote contract work, I have to say I think this is something a lot of people underestimate about work at home life. In that it's sometimes really difficult to establish boundaries with ppl and make them understand you aren't always available and also aren't gonna work billions of hours of overtime. So I'm sorry to hear that's affecting your comic work.

Shadowmark Productions

I work anywhere from 6-8 hours a day on comic stuff. That’s an average though. Sometimes I slack and need to pull all nighters to make up for it. Yes, I am terrible at time management. They say entrepreneurs are the only people willing to work 80 hours a week for themselves so they do not have to work 40 hours a week for someone else. I guess webcomic creators are the only people willing to work 80+ hours a week so that they can... go to work for someone else afterwards

AntiBunny

4 days of procrastinating, 1 of procrastinating and hating myself, and 2 of actual comic drawing seems to make up my weekly comic making schedule. :p

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I can only imagine how stressed I would be if I forced myself to update weekly

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

This is a hard question to answer because it varies a lot depending on my energy levels. Ideally I’d spend several hours a day on comics, but realistically I draw as much as possible when I have the energy (5+ hours a day for as many days in a row as I can handle it) and then go weeks or months too tired to do comics. On average, barring any long periods of exhaustion or other interruptions from RL, I spend about 20+ hours a week making pages for my comics.

sagaholmgaard

I prefer to work on my comic for about an hour ever morning and maybe 2-3 hours in the evening, that's the ideal routine for me. Right now I sadly have a lot of schoolwork to do (writing my thesis) so i might get less than 30 minutes in the morning and then feel rlly tired in the evening so I dont get as much time then either. but oh well!

I can still work for 4-5 hours on the weekends so I manage ^^(edited)

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

The whole stay-indoors order's currently completely wrecked my pattern, but before that I did between 3-4 hours a day.

Shadowmark Productions

Can’t imagine the stress of a daily or even weekly posting schedule. Hats off.

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #creator babble #creator interview #comic creator interview #comic tea party #ctp

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kyliafanfiction · 4 years

Text

So, all this thinking that I’ve been doing about the issues I have with the way Battlestar Galactica handles the issue of religion has made me think about the way I handle religion in my own fiction. Because religion, oddly, often plays a major role in many of my stories, or at least in the inner lives of many of my major characters.

And despite my disdain for religion, and for organized religion in particular IRL (albeit this is not a disdain for the religious IRL - at least not simply for being religious), I don’t think that religion, at least categorically, comes out entirely bad in my fiction. But it’ s true that even when religion plays a major role in my stories, it’s religion as an entity and social construct and organizational idea/organization, rather than spirituality or faith. I don’t engage with religious themes all that often, at least not deliberately. (even when I’m writing in fantasy universes where the god or gods in question very explicitly do exist, some fashion.

And further, I noticed that of the five stories I’ve worked on that went beyond a first ‘concept’ chapter and included significant worldbuilding and story mapping efforts beyond them, three of them center around a dynamic of an atheist and a devout religious person working together with some degree of romantic entanglement (if not more than that).

Like, while I have god knows how many idea snippets, story concepts, half-complete worldbuildings and so on, only five story ideas have truly made it into being written enough to recognize any burgeoning dynamics.

Of them, one of them, my sci-fi Orion Team series (well, three chapters, but the notional idea was a series) centers around a five man team with

a devout Roman Catholic, who was lapsed until after a major battle he fought in (which is doubly odd because I very much dislike the notion of atheists not being in foxholes)

an alien who worships the polytheistic faith predominant among his people (and has a difficulty understanding how monotheism works, let alone is the most common form of belief among humans),

a follower of a deliberately weird and highly spiritualistic syncretic religion that has elements of the way fantasy fiction treats religions of gods that manifest in the world regularly

An atheist with active disdain for religion, and who dislikes it most because they have spent most of their professional life wearing any number of false identities, and Truth has become something of a relative concept for them - and religion tends to be more in the ‘One Truth’ category

An atheist who is much more casual about their atheism, and is basically atheist because both his parents were atheists and all their parents were atheists - he wasn’t specifically inculcated with atheism, but most people do tend to more or less follow the same beliefs as their parents.

The other one that doesn’t apply is a bit of an odd bird, in my Heartpoint Chronicles ‘series’ (well 4 and change chapters, but again, a notional series), which centers around Mark (an otherwise more or less normal human who happens to be descended from someone who locked something value behind a lock only his bloodline could open a hundred years ago) is an atheist, and Rebecca Fernandez (the vampire who wants the thing behind the bloodline vault) is a lapsed Catholic - very lapsed, and often makes regular light of that, and Talia Elsner (another vampire who wants to kill Rebecca and stop her from getting the thing she wants, and thus works with Mark) who...well, Honestly, I have no idea about her religious convictions, which is odd, because I usually do.

The other three stories, all have that same dynamic I addressed above - Atheist (or atheistic) and Devout Religious Character, working together, with some degree (or more) of romantic Entanglement involved. And the atheist is always the viewpoint character.

In my Fracture Point story (21 chapters, long dead and likely to remain so, but my first serious effort into original work), the main character is Cerian Quilor - first character to use the Quilor name in anything, though it’s since been reused many times, as I quite like the sound of it - and he’s an atheist in a fantasy setting where the gods very much do exist, but all of them are ascended mortals. His culture tends towards atheism, and indeed, an active disdain for the gods, since they really are just super powerful mortals. It’s like a ‘why are you better than me just because you’ve got power?’ kind of thing. He not only has active disdain for religion, but takes great fun in mocking it and religion - it’s a common point of comedy for his culture. This tendency costs him his relationship with Alexiana Caeron, who in the story is his partner in investigating crimes now two years after their breakup. Alexiana is a rare devout person in this culture, following a specific goddess - her faith is very important to her, and her sense of identity, but she isn’t pushy or fanatical and she broke up with Cerian not because of his mocking religion per se, but because of his complete lack of awareness as to why she was bothered by it. I never decided to get them back together or not - but the romantic tension and their (at the time of the ‘first book’ - Fracture Point. I had plans for 3 more, in terms of the plots) feelings for eachother played a role in their dynamic.

In my ‘Katriverse’ story, (3 chapters) you have the viewpoint character Kyseen, an Alatrist (i.e. she believes the gods exist - which they do, in this fantasy setting - but not that they are necessarily worth worshipping, for various reasons), who is an operative for the Ministry of Security, works alongside (and has a very stubborn attraction to that eventually becomes an on-again, off-again casual relationship that would, in future installments, become more) Valeria, a devout - very devout - woman who works for the Inquisition of the State-sponsored chuch (it’s not the only legal religion, but it has a great deal more latitude than other religions, and informs a lot of state policy, despite the fact that church and crown have lots of disputes over who holds the real reigns of power). They work together - and despite being a member of the Inquisition, Valeria is again, not some fanatical caricature - she has a bit of blue and orange morality compared to most people IRL, because of the mores of her religion, but still.

And finally, in my current sci-fi project (9 chapters and counting) you have Talia, the viewpoint character, a flaming nigh-militant (in her head anyway) atheist who holds to many, many precepts that run counter to the central tenants of the Imperial Church (not the only religion, but all religions have to agree that the sitting Emperor/Empress is divinely ordained to be allowed to exist legally. atheism is also legal, but, blasphemy against the Imperial Church is basically illegal) and Elena, an agent of one of the Empire’s many law enforcement agencies who arrests Talia and then forces Talia to work with them against threats to the Empire (ala White Collar or similar such shows). The long arc of the notion for these characters has them go from drunken hatesex to regular hatesex to admitting ‘you don’t totally suck’ casual sex relationship to ‘I think I like her’ to ‘I think I like you’ to ‘I love you’, with all the steps in between. But again, Elena is not some mindless fanatic, and neither the Empire nor the Church it sponsors/is sponsored by is purely evil or monstrous, despite its many flaws, and the opponents of both are not purely good glorious freedom fighters. And Elena ends up moderating some of her beliefs as a result of falling for Talia (initially considering Talia an abomination, while Talia considers Elena a freakish mutation, at the start, basically) and Talia moderates some of her own, as they start to see some of the other side of a complex issue - and while Elena never loses her faith and Talia never loses her atheism, they do come to a lot of terms.

---------------

I’m not really trying to make a grant point - I don’t know what grand point the above rambling to lead to - but I find it interesting that despite my issues with religion and religiosity and spirituality, the atheistic viewpoint characters in all three of my major story projects all have significant romantic arcs or connections with religious characters. It’s rather remarkable how often religion shows up in my fiction, actually, and how it never seems to be the sort of ‘purely bad’ oppositional force that I more of less hold religion as IRL.

Partly because I don’t care for such shallow narratives in general, but still. Why? Why does this happen? Do I have a secret yearning to fall in love with someone religious? I don’t think so. Honestly, the notion of being married to a devout person is quite disquieting - my atheism is a pretty significant part of who I am and how I conceive of myself, and I don’t know If I could sustain a relationship with a theist forever. Indeed, I’m quite certain I couldn’t.

So why?

Well, I don’t know, but I’m wondering if in part, this is part of an interrogative process I’m having with myself - I seem to do a lot of that through my writing and my reading and my thoughts on both - as I try to understand the religious mindset. I am an atheist, and I do have trouble understanding how a devout believer views the world - it’s easy to say they’re all dumb and deluded, or opportunists taking advantage of the same, but I know it’s far more complicated than that. I know some dumb and deluded atheists, and some very smart believers, and all 31 flavors in between.

But I do live in a world where religion and the religious is and are everywhere. I mean, religious people to one extent or another are by far the majority in my country and in the world, and even as an atheist, my moral and probably even epistemological and cosmological worldview is informed by Christianity, whether I like it or not, raised in a predominantly Christian nation surrounded by people influenced by Christianity on all levels of their lives and minds, etc. From little things, like saying ‘go to hell’, when I don’t believe hell exists, or shouting ‘jesus christ’ when shocked or in pain despite not holding him as sacred, so in of itself such an exclamation should hold no real meaning to you, etc, to bigger stuff about how my morality is, as I said, no doubt informed, at least in some ways, by Christian principles.

And so I’m forced to spend a lot of time around religious people and around religion, and so I wonder if my constant inclusion of religion in many of my stories, and the dynamic of the atheist falling in love with a religious person (and vice-versa) is part of that process of me, as a person, trying to understand the mindset of a religious person - what makes someone, a smart someone who should be able to see all the same evidence I do and at least be a misotheist if not an atheist - be a devout believer. What is it like to live such a life? What is it like to think like that?

again, I don’t really have a point, but it’s my blog and I can think out loud on it if I want to, so...

It’s just interesting for me.

#Kylia Interrogates Herself #That is like - my thinking about my own thoughts tag essentially #Kylia Konfesses #Religion in Fiction #Atheism in Fiction #Religion #Atheism #Musings #Kylia Rambles

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bohemian-rhapsody-slash · 5 years

Text

Inspired By The trans!Brian Ask (Maylor)

Thanks for the submission @deep-dark-purple!

*****

I reached my ask limit I was vaguely aware that was a thing but had never had it occur. I was inspired like I've never written this much in one sitting ever. Full stop. I just had to get it out. I couldn't stop thinking about that AU. If you want me to finish submitting via asks as well I can do it later tonight Though I can't remember how many parts I was able to send so I would send the last half.

(Yeah you read that right it’s 20 parts but I don't think its narrative structure is how I would like it for posting so editing is required and there's no way I'm doing that.) This was inspired by the trans!Brian post. Surprisingly Brian has been presenting as male since he was about 4 which is very young even now a days. This was due to Brian's behavior, it was getting more and more troubling and it started not long after his 3rd birthday. At first, they wrote it off as a phase. 1/20

They hoped he would just get passed it soon but after 6 months it became clear that wasn't going to happen. He would have tantrums whenever Ruth tried to dress him in, he refused to play with most of his toys because "there too girly." They thought that if they took away the only ones he would play with he would then start playing with the other toys (those toys happened to be gender neutral and space themed in hindsight Brain realizes that’s why he studied astrophysics. 2/20

Those toys were his refuge the only things that didn’t make him feel “wrong”.) To say that plan is failure is an understatement. He would break them or try to throw them away. Within the week they gave his toys back by then he didn't even have any other toys to play with. Plus, they couldn't stand seeing Brian so distraught for any longer. Brian stopped responding to his name and would only acknowledge that someone was talking to him was if they were using a gender-neutral pet name. 3/20

This was the most troubling to his dad since he had been calling him princess since before he was born. So hearing Brian yell that he isn't his princess was like a punch in the gut but he thought it wasn't like they can just "pretend" that he was a boy. Right? That was a revolution to Brian's mom though. She has had to deal this much more then Brian's dad so she was willing to try anything but Brian's dad is like "we absolutely will not do that" and she didn't consider going against him. 4/20

Soon after that conversation Brian's tantrums started to involve hurting himself and that was her breaking point. The thought that she could lose Brain when it was so hard to have him in the first place. She didn't care that it wasn't what her husband wanted because given the choice between the two of them she would pick her baby every time. They basically bent to everything he wanted so he could feel like a boy and the effect was immediate and it was such a relief. 5/20

They ask him what he wants to be called since he doesn't like what they've been calling him. He asks why they were calling the other name and they explained how naming works and since they thought he was a girl they picked it out for him. He responds to that by asking that since he is actually a boy what will be his name. Since “only mommies and daddies can pick names.” Plus, that is kind of a difficult question for someone so young. So, from then on, he was called Brian. 6/20

They didn't think that it would last but a few years later right before he was supposed to start school and Brian is "still" a boy. They ask him if he wants to be a girl when he goes to school and that conversation didn't go well to say the least. They decided that the best thing to do is to move somewhere that no one remembers that they had a daughter and now they have a son. They go all out, changing anything that says Brian is made to say that he's a boy. (easier in 1950s?) 7/20

The only issue that they could see arising is baby and toddler photos that are framed around the house. Ruth can't barre the thought of getting rid of them or hide them away. Plus, it would weird to only have pictures of him often the age 4 1/2. The explanation they came up with was that Ruth was pregnant with a girl and miscarried but soon after was pregnant with Brian. So they had all these girl clothes. Since money was a little tight and babies don't care about those things. 8/20

It also helped because no one is going to ask any follow up questions after hearing that it's having to do with a miscarriage. (I've also heard that sometimes parents of trans kids do feel grief after their kids transitions so it doesn't feel like as much of a lie since they feel like they lost a daughter but again I'm in no way an expert so take that with a grain of salt.) From there on out Brian has no issues in school and is a great student. The main issue is puberty. 9/20

Thankfully his mom has become kind of unstoppable and even in the 60s they were able start Brian on hormones. A sympathetic doctor purposely misdiagnosed so even in the future he wouldn't have issues getting more without drawing attention to himself. Fast forward again to Roger's Smile audition which played out much the same as it did IRL but with one major exception. Brian is so jealous that Roger is so comfortable with himself. 10/20

Roger has no issues with wearing women's clothes and having long hair and being so beautiful that he is mistaken for a woman more often than not. Wait, scratch that last one. I shouldn't think about him like that, he's a band mate and a guy. No matter how charming and funny he is and they sound great playing together. Queue gay crises (though I'm thinking him as demi in this AU and would make a lot of sense since this is his first crush he's even had, 11/20

So, considering that he doesn't have this realization until he's known Roger for more than a year and he's just noticed that his feelings started to change for Roger in the last month or so when Tim left the band. (I'm not going to bother with researching to see if that timeline works right. I've already spent way too much time on this as it is.)) Once he starts thinking about his feelings he can't stop. It's both the best and worst thing he's ever felt. 12/20

The pinning lasts nearly 6 months, during that time Brian gets upset whenever Roger brings someone home. Roger does notice it but thinks its jealousy because that was his aim. He thought that if he made Brian jealous so Brian would start having the same feelings he has. (mutual pinning!) After months of this he accepts that Brian won't ever think of him like that. So, Roger starts taking home guys instead of girls. He had always been discreet when it came to his male hookups. 13/20

Queue Freddie coming to the rescue. He is so over all this. When Roger starts bring home guys that look more and more like Brian, he feels like it's his duty to end this ridiculous situation. (this is where I'm blank I don't know how Freddie helps them get together but he does and never lets them forget it.) Brian does have Roger agree to taking it slow using all sorts of reasons with the exception of him being trans and a virgin (love me some experienced/inexperienced tropes) 14/20

Roger wants to be patient and he tries but he feels this is getting ridiculous and he doesn't want to push because he knows what that feels like and it sucks (I'm not bothering to figure out that this is already to long.) The biggest problem is he feels like Brian is keeping something from him but he thought it was just embarrassed about being inexperienced but then he brings it up during their nearly daily blue ball inducing make out session. 15/20

He tells Brian if that's what he's worried about he doesn't have to be. Basically, they finally have a conversation and Roger is really sweet and tells him about some of his not so great encounters so if anything, he's kind of grateful since that means he's never had to deal with that. (I'm thinking it was a bunch of different things and people that in retrospect he wasn't ready for.) Then he says whatever they do it would be a first for him since it would be with someone he loves. 16/20

That's the first time either of them had said that. It made Brian feel so guilty that he's been keeping something so big and it shows on his face so Roger backtracks because he realizes how that may sound like pressuring Brian considering what they were just talking about. Brian can't take Roger apologizing when this is all "his fault." Once Brian is able to get Roger to shut up Brian says that he loves him too which is why I need to tell you something. (super ominous) 17/20

I don't feel comfortable writing that confession since I'm not qualified to. Basically, Brian tries his best to explain everything (it's the first time he's ever done this) Brian says he understands if Roger wants to break up. Roger says he doesn't but he has a lot of questions. So, Brian says he'll answer anything he wants to ask since he's never felt more relieved. They talk for hours some questions are meant to make Brian laugh some are serious or insensitive. 18/20

They end up falling asleep on the couch cuddling. (They’ve been in the living room I never mentioned that. It's as per Brian's request, he thought it would be easier to keep themselves from going too far then if they were on a bed.) There is all lot of instances of dysphoria but Brian always does his best to explain what caused it so they can avoid it in the future. It still takes a while (like a few months) for them to work up to sex. After he asks Roger if it's always that good. 19/20

Roger says no it's not and that it's just him that made it good. (I know that's really cheesy but I don't care.) The whole thing is adorable. Other things in this AU: It's Roger that made Brian comfortable enough to grow out his hair which is why he keeps it the same for the rest of his life. Roger is bisexual here. Brian's dad is still disapproving he's worried about draw attention and what would happen if he was outed. This took me 4 hours but I needed to get it out somewhere. 20/20

#maylor #trans!brian #submission

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negasonicimagines · 5 years

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TEAM (Part One)

request: hey can you write an ntw x reader pleeeasssee? maybe angst w a fluff ending?? you're literally my entire resource for ntw fics and i lov you for it thanks so much sweetie. i'm sorry i don't really have like a plot line for you but i mean wade as a shipper is always good (also Colossus being Done With Him)

hey everybody! hurray for more consistent writing, yeah? next part will be the funner, fluffier part, but this is the angsty part!

tw for: abusive drug addict mom (because even I can’t escape that trope), addiction, lots of crying, your death (mentioned), starving yourself (not anorexia or bulimia, also just a mention), depressed!reader, and basically an overall tw for some dark themes. Let me know if I missed anything.

“Your mom said she’d call the cops on me if she caught you crashing here again.” Deadpool, despite being in his suit, wears a robe. He said what he did as he came out of his bedroom to discover you on his couch, obviously having just woken up. He doesn’t mind, though, he never does. Your best friend is a grown fucking man. And that’s the least weird thing about your life.

“She probably doesn’t even remember saying that, dude,” you remind him as he continues walking, to the kitchen. “She was tweaking out of her goddamn mind.”

Wade sighs heavily. He despised your mother, despised any parent who would choose drugs over their own kids. “Why don’t you just stay at Xavier’s full-time instead of just going to school there? Then, she couldn’t call the cops,” he replies, turning on the stove. You finally follow him, sitting at the kitchen island.

“The resources are better spent on someone else. It’d be a waste if I lived there.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I don’t need to eat, or sleep. I don’t need a bed or food.”

Wade scoffs. “Just because you come back to life, doesn’t mean you should kill yourself for the sake of ‘saving resources.’ You need to be more responsible for yourself.”

“Seriously? Coming from you?”

“Hey, I eat and sleep all the time. If eating and sleeping paid the bills, it’s all I’d do. You should be more like me,” he proudly says, and a smile actually makes its way onto your face, surprisingly enough. “There she is!” he happily remarks, and you roll your eyes. “You seem especially down, what’s up?”

“Nothing,” you fib.

He doesn’t buy it.

“I always say that I had another superpower long before Weapon X: I can tell when someone is lying. What’s really going on?”

You scoff. “You never say that. But, uh, you’re right. She stole my fucking Xanax.”

It wasn’t common for Xanax to be prescribed to minors, but nothing else worked for your depression. Xanax was strong enough to break through your metabolism, at least for a little while… But after doing some research and finding that it was addictive, you stopped taking it. You never wanted to end up like your mom.

“You think she might get hooked on that, too?”

“Oh, no, I figured that was gonna happen eventually. I guess the bright side is that I know it’s not pressed fentanyl. But, uh… I’ve been selling it. For food and whatever else it’ll cover. So, not having it really sucks. Who knows how many customers I’ll lose, and I probably won’t be able to eat anything for a-”

Wade places a plate in front of you, silencing you.

“BLT. I know you hate breakfast food, but I wanted bacon and pancakes.”

“You shouldn’t have,” you tell him, meaning it. “Thank you.”

“I’m always going to,” he argues in a sing-song tone. “No problem. I buy in bulk, anyways. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something…”

“Yeah?” you wonder, interested to know what he’s going to say. People always bitch about him being a blabbermouth, but at least the things he says are interesting. He’s not boring, even if he’s loud and never shuts up.

“Have you ever considered looking for your father? I know you’ve said that he’s probably a POS like her, but maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s a cool guy who just doesn’t know you exist.” You have the vague impression that that’s not what he was planning to say, but you dismiss your intuition, as you have no idea what else he would’ve said.

“And he’s probably better off that way, man. Who wants an asocial, gay, mutant teenage daughter?”

“Ellie’s parents seem to like her, and you’re a lot nicer than she is, even if you’re both obsessed with self-imposed isolation. Hey, if you start living at Xavier’s, you’d see your mutual IRL!”

“I will strongly consider living at Xavier’s School for Gifted Losers if you never use the terms ‘mutual’ or ‘IRL’ ever again, you rotten old man.”

“No promises!” He tells you with a laugh.

Speaking of your mutual, Ellie messages you on Twitter. You take a bite of your sandwich, and respond.

ellienegasonic666: Hey what r u up to today

[your twitter handle]: Hanging w wade, why?

ellienegasonic666: Why would you subject urself to that sksjksjdl

[your twitter handle]: He’s like one of my best friends??? and mom was being a pain again

ellienegasonic666: You should just live @ Xavier’s lol

[your twitter handle]: That’s what wade said lol, I think he’s just trying to get rid of me

ellienegasonic666: Really???

ellienegasonic666: Maybe he’s MY best friend too

[your twitter handle]: You think it’s a good idea???

ellienegasonic666: DUH. You’re like the only person I can stand like at all

[your twitter handle]: Wow… thank you??? Kind of a big compliment coming from you jsadalksjdlak

ellienegasonic666 is typing…

One thing that made you both want and not want to live at Xavier’s was the possibility of seeing Ellie more. She was your only true friend that was your age, and even the same species as you. (You’d befriended many a stray animal in your wanderings about the city.)

And you had the biggest, most embarrassing crush on her. Developing feelings for any girl that shows you basic human kindness? Yeah, you were that person. So, on one hand, more opportunities to admire her. On the other, more opportunities for her to see what a fucking loser you are, at least, in your opinion.

You lock your phone, putting it down and continuing to eat your sandwich.

“Come on, kid. Dish. What were you two talking about just now?”

“How do you know I was talking to her?” You ask him.

“Your eyes light up every time your phone vibrates,” he explains. “No one else makes you that happy. Except for me, but I don’t make you happy in that way. That’d be gross.”

You scoff, rolling your eyes at his antics. “Listen, when I go to school tomorrow, I’ll discuss it with Logan… If you let me crash here tonight,” you negotiate.

“Fine, but I get to feed you breakfast in the morning,” he replies.

“Sounds good,” you tell him, giving him a thumbs-up.

The rest of the day goes smoothly, you and Wade playing Fortnite and watching Golden Girls together.

You rest your head on your best friend’s shoulder.

“I wish I never had to go back there,” you confess tiredly at around 10 PM, and he sighs.

“Me too,” he admits. “But it’s not safe here. This neighborhood is shitty, and-”

“I live in a shitty neighborhood already,” you cut him off with a reminder.

“And this is Deadpool’s house.”

“I can’t die forever,” you tell him, as if he could ever forget that. Like it wasn’t the only comforting thought when you were assigned to missions, even the safe ones.

“I know,” he replies with a deep sigh that unwinds the tension woven into every fiber of his being. “I know. I’ll consider it, if Xavier’s is at capacity”

The next morning, you wake up at 6 AM for school, silencing your alarm and enjoying the warmth. Before you know it, you’ve slipped back to sleep.

“Y/N. Y/N. Hey.” Each word is punctuated by a poke to your face by a gloved finger. “Listen, kid, I know you need the sleep, so I let you sleep in, but you’re gonna be late to school if you don’t get up and chow down quickly.”

You jolt straight up with a choking gasp, realizing you fell back asleep. You scarf down the toast with (favorite toast topper, be it butter or peach jam or whatever) and bacon, multi-tasking as you get ready.

“I’ll drive you, so don’t worry about makeup and all that junk. You can do it in the car. Just get your teeth brushed and get dressed and shit,” Wade informs you, starting Al’s old klunker so the shitty heater will warm up the car a little bit before the two of you are forced into it by time.

You dash out of the bathroom, small makeup bag in hand and shoes untied, and Wade follows you at a slower but still brisk pace.

“Why’d you let me sleep?” you ask him frustratedly, applying your lipstick(/gloss/balm/whatever) while you wait for his answer.

“I told you, you needed it.”

“I didn’t need it this badly,” you retort, working on your eyeliner next. The two of you hit a bump, so you get out your concealer and salvage what you can.

“You needed it. I’m sick of watching you die of neglect, why is that not enough of a reason for you?” He punctuates his words with a terrible groan, as if he’s pained by this bickering..

“I come back!” you argue, confused about why he’s pushing this taking-care-of-you thing more than usual.

“I know your mom doesn’t give a shit about whether you live or die, but I do! I’m not letting you die, ever again! Get over it!” Wade practically screams in frustration, effectively silencing you.

You sit there, in complete stillness, before getting back to work on your makeup. You put on foundation and blush, contouring before you set it all with translucent powder, sweeping the soft brush over your smooth skin.

“I’m sor-”

You shake your head, pressing your limps together firmly so that no sobs leak out, blinking hard.

Wade knows you hate yelling, not to mention what he said was over the line.

He pulls up to the school.

“I’ve got some business here, later. Do you want me to bring lunch and hang around to pick you up?”

You shake your head. “I’ll walk home, or something.”

“Have a good day?” he offers, and you just walk away, entering the school.

At least I’m on time, you think to yourself, stumbling to homeroom in a haze. Homeroom’s Chemistry, and you definitely didn’t do your homework last night.

“Mx. L/N, your homework?” the teacher says at your desk.

“No,” is your only response.

The teacher sighs, shaking his head in hopelessness before moving on to your lab partner, Ellie.

“Here it is,” she hands it to him. Once he’s moved, she hisses to you: “Why didn’t you just ask me if you could copy mine?”

You curl in on yourself a bit, putting your head on the desk and guarding it with your arms and hands. “Please don’t…” You whisper back, and you mentally chastise yourself for how pathetic you sound.

She places her hand on your back, unintentionally sending rather calming tingles through it.

“What happened? Your mom didn’t hurt you again, did she?”

“I mean, she did, night before last,” you mutter, moving your arms and letting one hand support the weight of your head boredly. “But that’s only a small part of why today is shitty. Don’t worry about it, El. It’s not your problem, okay?”

“Fine, if that’s how it’s gonna be,” she scoffs, but you know she’s not really that offended.

“I’m gonna talk to Logan during lunch about moving here. Crashing at Wade’s isn’t working out anymore.”

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Ellie asks.

“He just yelled at me this morning. He’s too invested, he was mad ‘cause I don’t eat or sleep enough and I keep-” You remember that Ellie doesn’t know. “I keep getting dizzy spells. But, uh, you know me. I’m a pansy, can’t stand yelling.”

“You’re not a pansy for having trauma,” Ellie grumbles. “Hey, let Logan know that if there’s not another room, I’m fine sharing one with you.”

“Really?” you wonder, taken aback by her kindness. Ellie was always nicer to you than she was to other people, but this was a bit out of character.

“Yeah, why not? You get me,” she says.

The teacher scolds you and other classmates for talking, and the few of you become quiet and try to focus on the lesson.

A couple class periods later, and it’s lunchtime.

“Hey, Logan?” you approach him.

“I didn’t know, or I would’ve told you.”

“About what?” you ask, and if you thought he was frowning before, he definitely wasn’t happy now.

“Forget I said that. What did you want?”

“I wanted to talk about, uh, living here…” you say quietly, and he looks confused.

“Really? I thought you wanted to live out in the city.”

“Yeah, uh, that’s not really working out for me,” you admit.

“You didn’t get attacked by any of those anti-mutant gangs, did you?”

“No, uh, my mom’s not a gang,” you drop the bomb. “Just a physically and verbally abusive bitch.”

“And you’ve been staying with Wade occasionally, haven’t you?” he guesses.

“Yeah, uh, how’d you-? Not the point. We had an argument this morning, and um… I don’t think he’s gonna want me around.”

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“Why does everybody keep asking me that? No. The problem is that he’s too concerned. It’s not good. I don’t die forever and he still acts like it’s the worst thing in the world for it to happen every now and then.”

Logan sighs. “Right. Probably about the thing I didn’t know until recently that I know now and probably shouldn’t tell you.”

“And that is?”

“I should probably let him tell you,” Logan says, looking behind you. You turn around to see your best friend.

“Well, let’s hear it,” you say.

“I- I’m- I don’t want to be friends anymore,” he says. “It’s not appropriate for someone my age to be hanging around you like I do.”

“What? I thought you didn’t care about that shit,” you disagree. “You know you’re not a creep, I know you’re not a creep. Who else does it concern?”

“I don’t want to be friends with you anymore! Get over it, okay?! Don’t come to my house looking for a place to crash when your druggie mother beats your ungrateful ass! Don’t look for me when you’re in town! Don’t text me any boring, unfunny memes! Don’t Snapchat me stupid pictures of you and Ellie being losers! Don’t fucking speak to me! Ever! I don’t wanna see you ever again, got it?! I’m gonna be going now, Logan. Don’t expect me back anytime soon.”

He quickly leaves, and you turn back to Logan.

“What the fuck is going on?” you ask your mentor in a hoarse whisper, keeping your volume low to keep from crying. A tear slips down your face.

“I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting that, I… You can stay here, but I don’t know where. We might have to squeeze you in with someone.”

“Ellie said that I could room with her if there wasn’t enough room,” you tell Logan, imagining wrapping a ribbon around your sadness, so tight, so that no one can see it. So that it won’t come out.

“Sounds good. I’ll let the Professor know. You, try to have a better rest of your day.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

The rest of your day is not good. You skip your last two classes and just sit at the foot of Ellie’s bed, choking sobs throwing themselves from your lungs like you wish you could throw yourself off a bridge, sinking into the water and going down, down, down… Drowning every time you awaken from death, only to die again. Perfect Purgatory. No problems other than fighting the instinct to rise to the surface.

Every time you calm down, start breathing normally, splash your face with cold water and blow your nose, thinking you might actually piece yourself back together by the time Ellie gets back from Photography Club, you remember what he said, again. Think about his face, the fury in his eyes when he yelled at you this morning.

And the cycle continues.

“Y/N?!” Ellie. Crap, Ellie can see how fucking pathetic you are. “Y/N, what’s wrong?!”

“He- He hates me… I- I don’t know what I- What I did- I- I can’t fucking breathe,” you cry out. “Everything was fine, and then he was just so- Just so fucking mad today. What did I do, Ellie, do you know?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Wade’s just a fucking bastard.”

“Not to me,” you weep. “Never to me…It hurts so bad, in my chest, I- I- I-” you gasp, again and again, desperate for air. “He- He was my...b-b-best f-friend… Only f-family I had… And he- he hates- hates m- he h-hates me…”

“Shh, Shh…” Ellie says, unsure of what else to do. She’d never been the one to comfort a crying friend, usually leaving that to someone else. But you, you didn’t have anyone else. “He doesn’t hate you. Maybe he was having a bad day. Whatever he said to you, he probably wishes he didn’t. And if he doesn’t, well, I’ll make him fucking wish he didn’t.”

“No!” you scream, an animalistic howl. “Don’t- D-don’t hurt him…” you whimper.

“I won’t, I won’t, I’m sorry. Was just trying to help. Wade-” She sighs, not liking that she has to reveal her feelings, too. “As much as I wanna hate the guy, I can’t. Because he’s a good man. And he loves you, so much. I don’t know why he said what he did, but I get the feeling there’s more to the story.”

“B-but he s-said such awful things…” you whine.

“Here, come on the bed. It’s more comfortable.” Ellie helps you up from the floor, taking off her shoes and lifting her black duvet so that you can slip under. Surrounded by a darkness that includes not just your second best friend, but your crush, was soothing in a way you’d never felt before. You struggle to breathe ends, even if your tears don’t. “What’d he say?”

“Just… Stuff about my mom. He said he didn’t want to be friends anymore, that he didn’t want me staying at his place or even talking to him.”

“That’s really fucking shitty. Do you- Do you want me to hold you?”

“You don’t have to,” you tell her, and she realizes that if she’s going to help you she also has to be emotionally vulnerable. “Why are you being extra nice to me? You really don’t have to, you could just make me lock myself in a bathroom or something.”

“I want to,” she confesses, and you scooch closer to her. She moves you so that your head is on her chest, and her arms are securely around you. As the two of you fidget, your legs tangle together. “I’m sorry about what happened today. I know that he’s your best friend, more than me, and I’d consider us pretty close.”

You hum in acknowledgement, her body’s extra natural warmth lulling you into a haze of emotional numbness and half-sleep. She strokes your hair.

“I love you so much, too. Not like he does, though. I wish we could stay like this forever. I always wanna protect you, even when you’re not in danger. I- I wanna do more than cuddle. I wanna kiss you, and get you flowers, and watch chick-flicks and pretend that I don’t like them just as much as you do. Sing along with stupid, funny voices to Pitch Perfect because we’re both too embarrassed of our real singing voices. I- I want to do all that, forever, and I don’t want you to do that stuff with anyone else, at least not the same way you do it with me. You get what I mean?”

But you don’t answer, having fallen asleep at some point in her ramblings, probably before she confessed the romantic nature of her feelings.

“Damn it,” she mumbles to herself, but is kind of grateful. Now really isn’t the best time, she realizes. She strokes your hair, glad to see you getting some rest after all you’d been through today. She stays there for w while, eventually lifting her arm from on top of you and unlocking her phone. She blocks Wade on every platform.

Normally when Ellie’s on her phone, she’s talking to you. It’s part of the reason she’s so attached to the damn thing. She plays some of the games she has installed for about an hour, before finally admitting to herself that she’s bored out of her mind.

But, it’s dinner time, meaning she has an excuse to wake you up.

“Y/N…” She quietly says, brushing your hair out of your face. “It’s time for dinner…”

“Hmm?” your eyes flutter open, but your eyelids are still heavy. You can’t believe you’re really cuddling with Ellie. You’d thought you dreamed it.

“Dinner,” she repeats.

“Jeez, was I out that long?” you wonder.

“Just for an hour and a half,” she tells you. “Dinnertime is a bit early, to make sure that everyone gets to eat before bedtime.”

“Oh. Cool,” you say, and then you remember why you’re here. You’re all cried out, for now, but you start to shake again.

“Hey, hey, no more of that,” Ellie discourages you. “He doesn’t deserve your tears. You should think about blocking him, on social media and whatever numbers of his you have.”

“B-but what if he wants to be my friend again?” you ask meekly, and she looks down at your hopeful face, sighing.

“Then he can tell you in person, not that he deserves the opportunity.” Ellie tries to calm down, be sympathetic. It was easier at first, but now you’re wearing her down. She doesn’t get why you can’t just get over it, tell your thoughts of him to fuck off. Wade didn’t deserve this mourning, especially not after what he did to you. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up, and then we can go to dinner. You can borrow one of my hoodies, if you want.”

You nod, and she gets up, going to her closet and pulling out one of her many dark-colored hoodies. This one is a dark purple, one she doesn’t wear often. She tosses it over her shoulder, popping into the bathroom to grab the pack of makeup wipes.

It’s cold, and the chemicals sting against your sensitive cheeks.

You twitch, and she takes in a sharp breath.

“Sorry,” she quietly says, taking an even more careful approach. She wipes your face, and you have to admit, you do feel refreshed. She takes the purple hoodie from where she threw it over her shoulder, and hands it to you. You pull it over your head, slipping your arms through the sleeves and letting the hood rest on your head. “It looks better on you than it does me.”

You huff out a small laugh at this. “I don’t look good in anything.”

“Calling me ugly?” Ellie asks, snickering. “It’s good to see you smiling.”

You smile a little wider at her compliment. She always makes you feel better.

“Let’s go to dinner,” you tell her, and she nods, taking your hand and leading the way.

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garinna · 6 years

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Tell me your numbers

transphysics‌:

Hey, I thought I’d make one of these nosy things. Here’s a bunch of questions about you with numbers as the answers. Skip anything you don’t want to answer and share some stuff about yourself! Tag whoever you like if you want to know what their numbers are.

Tagged by:

Life Stuff Number of books you’ve finished in the past year: Bout 4-ish? There hasn’t been that many books that’s caught my eye, did read one yesterday though, got so hooked I finished it in one day XD Number of movies you’ve seen in theatres in the past year: None. PLanning on going with a cousin to one soon though. BUt the last one before that was the blue alien Avatar movie. Number of plants in your house: I have one. Then there is a double thing outside my door. Both gifts. Number of non-plant pets in your house: My room-mate that I call puppy? Number of roller coasters you’ve been on: maybe 2-3? Not including baby coasters. For 5 year olds. Because if you can still poke at the rider at the top of the thing, they’re not really coasters XD Number of times you’ve flown: Twooo? (or four if you count it like, there and back again as two?) Number of continents you’ve been on: 1 I think? I forgot. Maximum number of miles you’ve walked in one day: 10:ish? In one go at least, who knows in bits and pieces?? Prolly a lot more?? Number of years you’ve spent in school: Too few. 10 But fuck if you count in how much I skipped? A lot less. Number of times you’ve moved to a new home: Uhh somewhere around 8? Number of days since you last cried:Two weeks. Dentist was not fun. Number of coffee/tea cups you own: 19, gifts and speciality (giant) cups combined. Number of cups of coffee/tea you drink each day: Nah Number of dishes you’ve broken this year: None, but had some broken by others. (R.I.P plates...) Number of pictures on your bedroom walls: 0 Health and body Number of tattoos you have: 0 Number of tattoos you want: *shrug* Number of piercings you have: One in each ear, very boring. Number of piercings you want: I’m good. Size of biggest scar on your body (length or area): They all itty bitty, biggest is a burnmark that’s maybe, two large coins in size? Number of prescription meds you take: None at the time. Number of bones you’ve broken or fractured: 0 Number of times you’ve blacked out: 1 or 2? Number of hours you usually sleep: Ha Ha Ha. (Anything between 0-2 and 15-18, sleep is cruel.) Most comfortable temperature for your bedroom: Chilly, 15 -18 Celsius? Most comfortable temperature for outside: Same Length of your hair: Maybe 25-30 cm. Don’t have a ruler right now and too lazy to go get one. Relationships to others Number of years you’ve known your oldest friend: Over 20 years at least. Closer to 30 if another one still considers me a friend? (haven’t talked in a long time, dunno if she hates me now??) Number of current friends that you knew when you were half your age: 4? Maybe?? What even is time??? Number of family members you enjoy being around: Immediate family 2/3. Number of people you follow on Tumblr that you know IRL: None. Not really. Why you peeps gotta live so far away??? ;-; Number of people you’ve turned down for a date: None that actually meant it. Number of times you’ve been turned down: I don’t flirt. So none. Because I don’t expect anyone to like me anyway. (Current gf came as a huge shock) Number of people you are currently in love with: 1. But oh lords she awesome. Number of romantic partners you would like to have: Eh, poly type, so any amount. But I am fully happy with the one. Number of times you’ve been married: 0 Number of weddings you’ve attended besides your own: 3? 4 ?? more?? How does double weddings count? Number of people you have cussed out in person: For real angry? Not a lot. As a joke? “HOW THE FUCK DARE YOU STEAL MY BREAD YOU EVIL BASTARD!!” Anyone I’ve ever been friends with irl basically. Number of people you have been in a physical altercation with: Uhh, well, sister, many many times. Some other peeps. Maybe 3-4 solos, then there was one time where they were 3, but 2 of those weren’t so much fighting me, nor me them, as trying to hold me offa murdering the third?? (Oh gods this sounds so bad!) Number of people you know IRL that you consider enemies: None. I dun care enough to make enemies. Number of children you have: 0 Number of children you would like to have: As many as I have. I’m tagging: Uhhh... @mischiefandnightmares @hadesrebelofadaughter @kettu-skinchanger And, anyone that wan’t it? Who of the people that talks to me likes to be tagged?

#tagged #about the bitch

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jobethdalloway · 6 years

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CLEXACON RECAP omfg

bc this needs to go somewhere & @mnhooch was kind enough to ask. tried to bold some highlights bc this is basically a long-ass diary entry ramble haha

-the first thing I went to was a panel called “Gaysian: Queer Asian Representation in the Media” with 4 incredibly rad/funny/super smart folks. Really enlightening convo on finding bits and pieces of characters who don’t look like/sound like you to relate to. A highlight: the first question was asking them if there are any queer Asian characters in the media they related to growing up and the last one said “Well, of course, Mulan” and there was like this loud “MMMMMM yeahhhh” that like rippled through the audience. Pressed to clarify which Mulan: “THE CARTOON one, come on”

-the moderator for the LGBTQ Actress panel was hilarious and the women on it were all wonderful so it was great to get to hear from them/learn about them but for me it was ALL ABOUT STEPHANIE BEATRIZ OMMMMMMGGG. Seeing how bubbly she is irl is a good reminder of how solid her performance is as Rosa like dang. Highlight: Stephanie tearing up talking about how much it meant to her to read the dialogue “I’m bisexual,” laid clearly and deliberately, in the script where Rosa come out

-SO MANY STUNNING BUTCHES EVERYWHERE??? omg. also it was just really cool to be in a space with so many women and nb folks. Pretty much every other gay-anything I’ve tried to go to has been 98% cis gay guys so this was like huge in a way I wasn’t anticipating

-OLDER WOMEN WHO’VE BEEN WAITING DECADES FOR GOOD REPRESENTATION, and they were there, and they love the shows we love and it warmed my heart. Also people came from around the globe for this and that was so cool

-AMAZING COSPLAYERS!!! Faves: 2 people dressed as Valkyries, Xena & Gabrielle, and too many gorgeous Alex Danvers(...es) to count

-saw a group of short documentaries, some of which were like ok but there were 2 great ones - butch coyolxauhqui (x) (about a butch learning to love her body with the help of her mother & an Aztec goddess) and a place in the middle (x) (about a Hawaiian child reclaiming traditional notions about gender from an awesome teacher)

-an awesome panel on butch representation in the media! Wish more people could’ve made it to that one. Such an important reminder that there is soooo far to go. Good introspection about internalized lesbophobia (”cured” tomboys in kid movies; butches being the lesbian equivalent of effeminate men where the stereotype is what our internalized phobia wants to get away from instead of embracing as we should)/the fact that it’s a stereotype but still like never seen?? and if it is seen, is usually negative. sigh.

-a panel on sapphic fanfic! Which was actually really inspiring and makes me want to get back into writing. Because I love it. I love writing, you guys.

DAY 2? ALREADY OMG

-started off the day in the way, way back of the auditorium for the Wayhaught panel which was so much fun! Kat & Dom are too adorable for words. Highlight: Kat’s response when asked about her thoughts on things like fanart/fanfic. idk, it was really heartwearming/inspiring. Something along the lines of, “this character may look like me but it’s the spirit of Nicole that matters, and the spirit belongs to all of us, not just me” ergo she sees fanart and sees Nicole, not herself. No single person/entity owns the character. idk that was just a really awesome thing to hear an actor say

-short comedies!! Sadly I had to duck out of this one early, but I loved 2 of the ones I saw here - a USC thesis (trailer) and a hilarious/touching one by a Philippine filmmaker called “salamagan” that unfortunately I can’t find online anywhere

-CHYLER LEIGH. CHYLER LEIGH, HOLY SHIT. This was like. The most moving Q&A I think I’ve ever been able to experience. As I was sitting there, it really registered with me how shitty it felt to have to put up with actresses (not just a certain 2) for years who were ashamed - vocally and specifically - of fans like us. Not for being over-zealous, but being queer and having queer feelings and seeking validation. How shitty it felt to have those actresses make fun of us on talk shows; make us feel gross/stupid/deluded/embarrassing for feeling the way we did & thus perpetuating internalized fears and shame in abundance. I know there are plenty of actresses who are truly great allies and who care about their LGBTQ fans, but Chyler like ... is so engaged?? She was so emotional and you can see that she gets it, she does not take her responsibility lightly and she is wonderful. I was also reminded of the distinction between seeing ourselves/hearing ourselves in media. bc i’m white, I do get to see queer characters who look like me more and more on TV/the movies (certainly more than I was a kid), but Alex is the first(/only?) one who I’ve really heard myself in and that feels significant Highlight: I got to ask her a question! And I was the last one they had time for so phew. Here’s a link to the whole panel, set to start at my question *^^ (but I definitely recommend watching the whole thing the next time you have an hour to spare) (I MADE HER LAUGH. Kinda hard to make out what I said at the beginning, which is, “oh wow, lesbians are short” bc I’m almost 6′ tall and the mic stand was very very low) (I WAS TREMBLING THE WHOLE TIME Y’ALL)

-highlight: a DELIGHTFUL/wonderful feature called “Signature Move” (trailer). You want a good lesbian movie? HERE’S A GOOD LESBIAN MOVIE!!! Nobody dies, no lesbians have to date men, one of the leads is a butch Pakistani-American and the other is Mexican-American and we see their complicated/beautiful relationships with their mothers and it’s FUNNY AS HELL and the leads are HANDSOME AND BEAUTIFUL AS HELL and it needs all the viewers

-highlight: I got to meet @thefootlightclub and @missmaclay after years of being tumblr buddies!! They are both delightful/amazing people and it was so fun to like, fangirl irl with people. And since I went to this con alone, it was really cool to get to talk to other people about it, haha. They introduced me to some awesome peeps including the lovely @amyroot! Thanks y’all for being so friendly and welcoming me in. Also @thefootlightclub and I talked about how June Allyson should totally have a massive lesbian following bc Jo March and that voice, amirite #imright

DAY 3 OH NO THE WEEKEND IS ENDING

-really sad short films today!! Most of them not great, but there was one that wove in Mrs Dalloway and that was pretty cool/I was stunned to see that the cinematographer was a childhood friend of mine! Who is Mormon! And apparently worked on a film about lesbians! He’s a cool guy and that was a fun surprise. One of the films was pretty powerful and gave me AYLT feels (if my epilogue had been depressing AF) (trailer)

-there was a panel called “empowerment through fandom,” which was nice but pretty much wound up being for Earpers. Validating to know one of the panelists was a reporter and it’s like aha okay this stuff is for people in all walks of life/professions/ages. Validating all around.

-I wandered around the vendor booths and picked up a couple of pins/postcards. So many talented people! Probably just as well that I didn’t look too hard at this stuff until the last day bc stuff was sold out and I probably would’ve spent $$ I didn’t have on some of these rad shirts/posters haha

-went to a panel on Queer Films, which I kind of thought would be more of like a presentation/discussion on the history of films but it was more about how to get them made/how hard it is to do that. The panelists and moderator were great, though, and had some great insights. Specifically, the producer of “Elena Undone” (which I admit I could not finish but deeply wanted to like) talked about how you have to do the best with what you have bc sometimes you just can’t raise the money you want/need to get the film you’d really like bc people don’t like to finance lesbian films and that was kind of humbling to keep in mind

-rounded it all out by watching DEBS, obviously one of the greatest films of all time. Highlight: there were a lot of older women at the con, which was really wonderful to see, and 2 of them were sitting behind me. One said to the other, “I wasn’t sure I was going to come to this but these kids downstairs said ‘oh you totally have to go.’ Well, one said, ‘you “totes” have to,’ which I took to mean ‘totally.’” It was great to hear them laughing behind me the whole time! WHAT AN ICONIC MOVIE.

-I got to eat at Cafe Rio which is always ALWAYS A PLUS

Anyway, wow, what a fantastic weekend. I feel so, so lucky that I was able to go and meet so many amazing people and hear so many amazing people and be surrounded by the love. I never ever thought I’d go to a con - not for any condescending reason, just bc I never thought there was enough I’d ever be interested in to make it worth attending. But this? Wow. Tailor-made for me - for so many of us. If I had a wish then it would be that we could all go to Clexacon next year!

/is it next year yet

#clexacon #personal #ramble

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angeltriestoblog · 6 years

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Welcome to my first blog post as an 18 year-old! And yes, I am well aware that I can legally drink and could be sent to jail, thank you very much. (Not that I have any plans to, though.)

I reached this milestone in my life last July 5th. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I decided to not go the traditional route and instead, opted for a trip to Korea last April and a week’s worth of festivities with family and friends.

I kicked off the celebration with lunch at a Korean barbecue place with my parents, then had a feast with my extended family (mother’s side) in Italianni’s.

I even got my cousin, Miguel, to go on with me on the ferris wheel nearby where I tried my best to admire the beautiful view of Manila Bay before us while screaming my head off.

For my actual birthday, I treated my closest friends from high school at yet another K-BBQ place for lunch, and then went to my favorite buffet place with my family for dinner. My friends Junelle, Danna and I also finally pushed through with our months-old plan of dropping by the karaoke bar relatively near to us, which served as a great release for pent-up emotions and a showcase of our non-existent vocal abilities.

This year, I also decided to go out on a limb and hold a project of my own. I was originally planning on giving away some of the old books I had piled up in my room to nearby orphanages, but with the time constraints I had, I couldn’t really afford to execute something so grand. So, with the help of my mom, I decided that it would be best to start small. We bought these tumblers from the nearby grocery and filled them to the brim with candies and chocolate bars, then gave them to the kids selling sampaguita at our church. I was really iffy about writing this part, because I know it’s easy to misconstrue my intentions for doing so: some people will probably just dismiss this as some put-on act of charity posted for clout. But, the experience was just so rewarding for me I had to. The children were all so appreciative, beaming at me, expressing their gratitude through belated birthday greetings and musings of how they could use my little gift for school – it kind of made me feel like my heart was on fire, but in the best way possible.

Anyway, now on to the standard realizations I make sure to include in nine out of ten posts.

This birthday in particular was a big deal for me, for obvious reasons. I had always regarded 18 as the age of independence and freedom: I equated it to having the liberty to do whatever I wanted, go anywhere I pleased with anyone at all, make the big decisions and know the answers to all the questions I’ve been asking my elders since I was a kid. I guess I forgot that I’m not the protagonist of the coming-of-age films I grew up indulging in, but a sheltered kid who has had most things done for her and thus has yet to acquire the basic life skills needed to survive The Real World. My parents said that I’m this way because they wanted to give me a life of convenience, and thus did anything that required me going out of my comfort zone, for me. All these years, I never found myself complaining about it or demanding that something be changed but for some reason, this stage of supposed adulthood has pressured me into thinking that there’s something terribly wrong with this because now, I have so much growing up to do.

Obviously, the biggest life change that I’ll have to deal with would be college: having to balance academics, extracurricular activities and different people in an entirely foreign environment sounded so terrifying for me. People would always tell me that grades have and could never be an issue for me: I was born the Smart Kid™ with a lot of potential, remember? I was generally a star student in all the schools I had attended, and everyone knew about it: I didn’t have to exert any effort to prove myself to those around me, because my grades did the talking. But, suddenly I’m about to enter this prestigious university with a rigorous screening process that takes in the Smart Kids™ from institutions all around the country. How am I expected to stand out in a place like that and get the Latin honors I can’t help but aim for?

Extracurriculars also have a huge bearing and apparently are an essential part of the whole college experience, which is weird to me since I’ve never really committed to a specific club all throughout my grade school and high school life. It seemed like more of a requirement to me than anything else, so deciding which one to join was like playing pin the tail on the donkey with my friends.

And, while I’m on that note: what about making new friends? I do appear to be outgoing and loud—especially if you’ve heard my piercing shrieks in my old Grade 12 classroom—but I’m only like that around those I’m truly comfortable with, and even that number has dwindled over the years. It’s hard to find people with the same interests as I do, and I’m growing more and more unsure of the fact that there are Ateneans who like K-Pop boy groups and laugh at the jeje memes I have in my camera roll. (I will cry if I don’t find anyone who can watch Japer Sniper videos with me.) I haven’t had to introduce myself to a new person in two years both IRL and online and I let them lead the conversation for a long while before I can think of warming up to them.

I also have to learn how to drive, which can come off as a surprise to anyone who’s known me for a while. I’ve always been the type to let go of the steering wheel and cover my eyes when the situation got out of control at the bumper cars. But, once I found out that ADMU isn’t actually the most commuter-friendly of schools, I didn’t really have a choice. On my first day of lessons, I was scared to my very core: my mind couldn’t stop bombarding me with stories of vehicular accidents and picture slideshows of cats that got run over. Although I did pass all four days and am now eligible to have my own license, I still have much work to do before I can take our Civic for a spin along Katipunan: please pray I learn how to parallel park without crashing into anything. I guess it would also be a bonus if I learned how to commute to and from places. I love going out, and I wish I always knew how to get to where I wanted to go and what mode of transportation to take instead of always relying on trikes and taxis all the time.

Since I’m of legal age, I’m also qualified to register to vote. I’ve started immersing myself in current events and politics a few years back, and I witnessed several people my age get shot down by adults when they did so much as express their opinions. “Masyado kang bata,” they’d argue. “Di nga kayo botante eh, wag na kayong makialam!” (But, the indifference of the youth would still be met with biting remarks like, “Wala na ba kayong ibang gagawin kundi mag-Internet? Magkaroon naman kayo ng pakialam sa nangyayari sa paligid!”) So now, I feel a certain kind of satisfaction in finally getting a say in who runs my country. But, at the same time, there’s also an intense kind of pressure since I am expected to discern which candidate serves the people’s best interests and hopefully lead us out of the downward spiral we’re currently making our way through.

It was only very recently—towards the start of the final month of my vacation—that I realized how stagnant I still was a person. Must be surprising for some of you. I feel like I somewhat project this image of being constantly put together. Very rarely do I let myself be vulnerable around other people. This is probably why every time I turn to someone to talk about my problems, I’m always met with reassurance: I, of all people, would have it under control, they say. I have absolutely nothing to worry about.

But, that’s the thing: when we’re on social media, we have this tendency to present only our best selves, turning our accounts into heavily filtered highlight reels. This is not only pretentious but toxic behavior, because of its failure to put things into perspective and show that everyone has their own fair share of both good and bad days. My Instagram feed may be its busy and color-coordinated self at the moment, but it doesn’t show the many nights I’ve spent crying because of how overwhelmed I was by this sudden surge in responsibilities and my inability to handle all of them. I mean, things can seem way beyond your control when your brain refuses to shut up and calm down.

I guess my failure to prepare for everything could be traced back to the beginning of this summer. In hindsight, the goals I had set for my four-month break were all very short-term and not exactly centered on self-improvement. I looked through the bullet journal I was keeping at the time, and found items like “clean my room”, “delete Facebook friends and Twitter followers I don’t interact with” and “buy a new study table” – one word for April 2018 Angel: why? I easily could have used the time to learn a new language or pledge to write 10 posts, maybe even pick up an instrument so I could have started a career as a Soundcloud artist and gotten myself a record deal instead of going to college (Mom, Dad, I’m kidding.) But for some reason, I didn’t even think of setting my standards that high. I spent a lot of time lying on my back, scrolling through the same old timelines several times a day as if the constant refreshing would bring anything of substance in my life.

It's much easier to let the regret paralyze me, to beat myself up for all the mistakes I’ve made and wonder why I didn’t do better. But, we all know that won’t help me get anywhere. As of now, I’m trying my best to be more vocal about my problems with other people so they don’t build up inside of me until I spontaneously combust. I admit I’m also quite the emotional person, so I really want to work on having a rational approach to whatever I’m going through.

I found this thread of healthy coping mechanisms and emergency plans to use during times of distress floating around. In case you guys are too lazy to click on the link, it basically says that you should first identify the trigger thought or whatever is sparking the negative emotions, identify the unhelpful thinking style that you are subscribing to and counter them through coping thoughts and actions to bring your mood back to the center. Twitter user thecolor_teal also says that one important thing to note is that you should never believe in your thoughts without critiquing them.

I’ve been doubling down on the worrying and channeling all that energy on pursuing other interests and planning my life out. I’m on my fifth book in the span of two weeks (I have a post coming up on this, so watch out!) and I just hit the 2k word mark on this post, so I can pretty much say I’m on a roll. I also came up with three main goals that I want to prioritize as I venture into this new chapter of my life. I read somewhere that publicizing whatever you want to work on, jinxes them in a way but since there’s no scientific evidence to back it up, I’m taking the risk. It could serve as a constant reminder of what I have to do, or pressure me into following through because I’ve put it up here to everyone to see: either way, I win, I guess.

1. Be more involved – maintain a firm stance of my own in issues concerning the country, give back to my community, continue to take genuine interest in the lives of those around me and do whatever I can to help them

2. Be more sociable – judge people less; get to know and interact with people from as many different social circles as possible; learn how to make the first move, engage in small talk (!!!) and not end the conversation with an awkward laugh

3. Be more street smart – be confident when on my own in public places, distinguish when I’m being fooled by people, learn how to get out of sticky situations without having to ask for help

I don’t exactly have everything down pat yet but at this point, it’s become somewhat comforting for me to think that I’m not expected to, and that no one my age knows exactly what they’re doing. We’re all clueless kids with no idea what the future holds and if we’re truly capable of handling it – we’re all hanging on to our empty attempts at reassuring ourselves. Anyone who denies this is probably just trying to make themselves feel better and I’d like you lot to know that we see through you! Despite the sheer hopelessness of our situations, I hope you all make amends with your right to not know whatever the heck you’re doing with your life right now and learn to trust the process. You’ve probably been through worse in the past, but here you are: beaten and bruised and still dusting yourself off from the last time life let you down but still alive and valid and fighting and that’s all that matters. We got this, fellow adult-er. And that is not to be mistaken for adulterer, by the way. That’s not something we should strive to be.

#personal #very very VERY personal #adulting #angeltriestoblog #eighteenth birthday #it's 1am i have no idea what these tags are sorr

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ineffboyable · 3 years

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Okay, I have been casually catsitting (not doing it as a business) for over a decade. Usually when people take vacation, but sometimes in recent years mid-day check-ins on I'll or elderly pets. I normally don't get too bogged down by the inconvenient parts of the job (lots of time driving, mediocre pay, stressful communication, being nitpicked or reprimanded when petowner has really specific requests) because I'm not able to have cats of my own and I genuinely enjoy seeing my fireball clients (most of the time.)

However, I'm noticing I'm way burnt out and I wonder if anyone can relate...

I think it all started when Christmas 2019 I agreed to sit for two clients who live 30+ minutes apart. I don't mind working over the holidays too much but wow I was basically spending the entire day driving for four or five days bc both people wanted 2-3 visits. One client does tip me, but overall getting $15 for what ends up being over an hour of work+commute with no gas included. And while sitting for one cat and having to drive over twice a day is a little stressful, doing it between two places is just......no.

BUT while I refer to the two families I sit for as clients, they are both friends of my family. This adds such a weird stressful dynamic. I would raise my rates or turn one client down or say I can only do one visit, but there's a guilt/anxiety around it bc I know they don't have the money to pay more and I know their situation in life and that finding an agency to come in would be stressful. But I also realize that not standing up for myself creates a level of resentment that simmers under the surface and boils up whenever some minor thing happens (note asking to please not leave dishes in the sink, passive aggressive text from client, etc.)

I guess at the end of the day, I'm not some 16 year-old making some money to get fro yo when I go out with my youth group anymore (thank God)... I'm a grown woman who does as thorough of a job as I can taking care of your pets and usually spends way too much time b/c I feel bad that they're alone and also have little sense of time. I'm essentially a top of the line artist giving you bargain basement prices.

Don't get me wrong...mostly my clients do say thanks and sometimes I do fall short. Another difficult thing about casually sitting for people you know is that they are in the mindset that you are a petsitter who will follow their exact schedule for their pets when irl your accommodating them and working them into/bending your existing schedule. But overall I feel locked into...I have to always say yes to requests for sitting and I can't take breaks.

Lately, I've been doing check-ins for one client who went back to work. I'm still working my retail job so I'm bending over to accommodate her and the kitties. Driving 15 minutes to spend thirty minutes letting cats outside bc she is now afraid to leave them outside which inevitably turns into 45 bc you can't herd cats back inside and then having to drive 30-40 to my job bc I'm further out of my way.... all for $15. Idk. I just feel like all my labor in undervalued but I also don't see myself being worth enough to expect more. All the things I love and have considered working in just don't pay: museums, music, mental health, writing, religion, animal care. Sometimes I feel like crap or even scared bc I don't know how I'll make it down the road when I'm not living with family. This turned into something else but...

Anyways, today I had agreed to go do a check-in, but I sprained my ankle three weekends ago and spent this week working standing up (womp womp) so it had ballooned up again this morning. I was going to soldier and go, but I had this growing sense of "no. I need to rest my damn foot and I am mentally and physically exhausted and this is my day off anyways why am I putting my well-being after a check-in that is not totally necessary." So I text her And explain about my ankle, and she's just like okay that's fine I'm coming home early." And I'm like wtf you're not sorry About my ankle?? Do you think I'm lying to get out of this? I am doing all this as a favor to you and the cats bc the paycheck is sad for his draining this whole thing is.

And the trouble with knowing this person in addition to have a sort of business transaction with them is that I start making excuses for their rude behavior bc I know they're very stressed etc. Or as I mentioned before, I guilt myself into saying yes to jobs I don't want bc I am busy and overwhelmed myself. Ex. Aforementioned client asked me earlier in the year about sitting Easter break. I am torn bc I know my family is planning to rent a beach house as a staycation, and I haven't vacationed since a two-night trip Feb. '20. But client says she's going to see her dad and I know he's elderly and she hasn't seen him but once since quarantine started...how can I let her down?? So I end up saying I'll sit for her part of the week I'm taking off while I'm still home, figuring she can get a service for the rest. Lo and behold, she doesn't end up going to see her dad but ends up taking my service so she can go visit a friend. I spend half my vacation essentially working, sprain my ankle and try to work on it, feel generally annoyed.

I know some of this is on me; I am working on setting boundaries and getting more in tune with myself and communicating better. It's on the table in therapy and constantly on my mind, but maybe some can relate about the stress of sitting "unprofessionally." Not that sitting with business it without problems...my friend was making under the poverty line when she had a business. But you can have a bit more separation in theory.

OH one more thing...THE CAMERAS. Now both my clients have security cameras and I kinda get it. You live alone. There's a stranger in the house. But it's VERY uncomfortable and a little demeaning. My friend who worked professionally agreed with this. I wish people would be more upfront and clear about the cameras and consult you a bit. It's like, client got a security system and just told me to make a pass key one day. I assumed the camera turned off when you turned alarm off and were in house, but I get a text the other week about something I did in the house and I'm a little, 1) hurt they feel they have to monitor me, 2) creeped out they are going thru footage of me. You know, again when you have an established relationship with someone and they claim to trust you, it is a bit demeaning to be recorded. Also just (let me reiterate) uncomfy. The camera clicks and stuff. And it didn't even occur to me until recently that it records sounds.

Anyways, I probably sounds like an entitled asshole whineypants but I thought there was the possibility this would help someone. I do really love cats even if I'm developing allergies 🙃 and I can understand my clients' anxiety to some extent, but I just feel really burnt out right now in this area and others.

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