#like i am literally terrified of doing something wrong when im on my own like if i make one mistake financially it’s all gonna go down hill

[andiwriteordie]

HIIII i have a prompt for u,

have mike get a vecna vision where will dies in his arms. 🤭🤭🤭

this is not a want its a NEED.

im in the mood for angst rn and i love ur art style so...... 😊😊

oh this was a cruel cruel prompt 😈

here's a ficlet that turned into a fic because i combined it with another prompt lol 🫡

—

holding hands, while the walls come tumbling down 

It starts like this.

The steady yet nervous thump, thump, thump of a heartbeat that Mike can hear as loud as his own. A body nestled right beside him; an artist’s hands, smooth and soft and ever gentle, intertwined with Mike’s; a boy he has known for nearly his entire life and loved in some way for just as long who is here, here, here lying next to him—all Mike’s for the taking, just like Mike is all his. 

It’s quiet in the room, save for the soft sound of their breathing. That, too, moves in time with each other—the gentle rise and fall of their chests as they breathe in and out, in and out, in and out.

Mike would stay here forever if he could. And he thinks—no, no, no; he knows, without a shadow of a doubt in his mind and in his heart—that Will feels the same.

Mike has always prided himself on being the type of person to give everything to what he does. Sometimes (oftentimes), everything isn’t enough, but that doesn’t stop him from giving it his all anyways. He’s never been the type of person to do something halfway; no, for Mike, it’s always been a deep dive into whatever it is he’s set his mind out to. An all or nothing kind of deal.

Will’s different from him. That’s something Mike’s known since their very first conversation, when his excitable, overeager “Hi! Do you want to be my friend?” was met with a quieter, shyer, but no less enthusiastic, “Yes; I – I do!” from Will. He’s not the type of first to run headfirst into something, which is probably good for Mike. It probably keeps them both out of trouble. But when Will does commit to something, when he chooses what he wants, when he decides that Yes, yes, yes, this is something I’m willing to fight for, then he’s every bit as passionate as Mike is.

All or nothing. 

There’s no turning back for the two of them, and Mike couldn’t care less. This path they’ve stumbled down on is one they’ve been walking down for quite some time now—together, even though they were both a little too blind and far too stubborn to see it. Now that they can finally see each other, now that everything is out in the light, now that Will knows Mike loves him and Mike knows that Will loves him too, there’s no going back from here. They’ve passed the point of no return, and Mike will be damned if they ever go back to what they used to be.

It’s been a longtime coming for the two of them, and as Will nestles closer to Mike’s side, resting his head on Mike’s chest and letting out another soft, content sigh, Mike can’t help but smile. 

The world around them might literally be on the brink of ending—constantly shrouded in darkness, plagued by monsters from the Upside Down, cold and always on the brink of another terrifying, disastrous storm that will threaten to rip Hawkins apart—but Mike has never been happier than he is in this moment, here with Will.

“What’re you thinking about?” comes Will’s quiet, sleepy voice, and Mike glances down at his boyfriend (Boyfriend? Right? Is that what we are now?) and meets Will’s gaze. There’s a softness in his eyes, mixed in with the sleepiness that’s not surprising for how late it must be now, as well as a familiar curiosity. 

What’s wrong? Will’s expression also seems to say. Are you okay? Was… was this okay?

Mike just smiles, leaning forward and kissing Will, soft and slow. Immediately, the butterflies in his stomach come back to life, more excited and awake than they’ve ever been before today. “Just about how happy I am,” Mike admits, once he’s pulled away. “I… I never really thought this would happen to me… To us.”

The curiosity melts away from Will’s face, morphing into something softer and something a bit hesitant and shy. He pulls away, ever so slightly, and lies on his side, and Mike does the same, so the two of them are looking directly at one another now. The dim glow of the old lamp that’d made it with Mike all these years—somehow surviving the move from his childhood home to Hawkins Lab and making it through the literal apocalypse—shines down on them, illuminating Will’s face just enough for Mike to see him clearly.

Beautiful is the only word that comes to Mike’s mind.

“I never thought this would happen either,” Will whispers back. There’s a smile tugging at his lips, small and a bit shy, and he reaches forward, tucking some of Mike’s hair back behind his ears. “Part of me thinks I’m just… gonna wake up, and this is all going to have been a dream. Or worse. A trance.”

“Pretty sure it’s not a dream,” Mike says with a laugh, and just for good measure, he kisses Will again, relishing in the way Will’s face immediately brightens. “Or a trance. Unless we’re… both dreaming. Or stuck in a trance.”

“Stranger things have happened to us,” Will points out, just to be difficult. 

Mike rolls his eyes, before pulling Will close to him and kissing him again, slower this time and with more intention. Will moves easily in his embrace, following where Mike leads the two of them until their bodies are flush against each other again, filling Mike with that familiar sense of warmth and giddiness. And because it’s Will and because he wants this as much as Mike does, and because they’re both the type of people to go all in—all or nothing—Will kisses him back without any hesitation, his tongue exploring Mike’s mouth like this is the first and last time they’ll ever get to do this and his hands carding through Mike’s hair to pull him close, close, close but not close enough. 

“I love you,” Mike breathes. The words come naturally, and though they’ve gone unspoken all night, Mike knows they haven’t gone unsaid. Every single kiss and every single glance and every single touch shared between the two of them has been a whisper of those three words over and over and over again: I love you, I love you, I love you.

And there’s not a single doubt in Mike’s mind that he means it. 

A smile forms on Will’s face as he leans away, resting his forehead against Mike’s own. He looks absolutely radiant like this, face illuminated by the soft glow of that old lamp, smile stretching from ear to ear, eyes sparkling with a warmth that screams back to Mike, I love you, I love you, I love you, with just as much enthusiasm and excitement that Mike feels in his own heart.

“I love you too,” Will whispers back, and he reaches forward, cupping Mike’s face gently. “I love you so much.”

Then, without another word, Will closes the space between the two of them once more.

**

Mike wakes the next morning to the sound of screaming.

The sound startles him right out of whatever dream he’d been having, and Mike flinches sharply, sitting up and looking around the room. His heart pounds inside his chest, and an unsettled, terrified feeling grows inside his stomach as everything inside him switches from a sleepy, even idyllic state to DANGER, DANGER, DANGER mode in a matter of seconds. 

Save for the dim light of his desk lamp, the room is relatively dark, and there’s no one else in the room except for Mike and—

And Will.

There’s a terrified look on Will’s face, and much like Mike, he’s looking around the room, eyes darting back and forth nervously like he has no idea where he is or what’s real or whether or not they’re safe. He’s trembling too, hands clenched tightly around Mike’s old blanket, and he seems like he’s just another few moments away from a complete breakdown.

And instantly, Mike’s mind switches from the DANGER, DANGER, DANGER mode to his Will needs me mode.

“Hey,” Mike whispers, scooting close to Will and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Will immediately flinches, startled by the touch, and Mike winces, running his hand up and down Will’s army gently. “Hey, it’s just me, Will. You’re okay. You’re okay. It was just a dream. Whatever you saw… it’s not real.”

That promise – it’s not a new one. After all, the last two-and-a-half years have been full of sleepless nights brought on by otherworldly nightmares. Nobody has been spared from them, but of everyone in the Party, Will has probably suffered the most, thanks to his deeper connection to One. These nightmares are nothing new, and yet, every single time Will suffers from one of them, it feels like a knife in Mike’s heart.

He can’t make the nightmares go away, but he can be there for Will. He can sit with Will until the darkness fades away, back into a vague memory, and he can hold Will and make promises that It’ll be okay; you’ll be okay; I’m not going anywhere; we’ll get through this. That’s really all Mike can do, and so God damn it, that’s exactly what he’s going to do.

Usually, it helps. It takes time, but usually, Will is receptive to the comfort, always leaning in close and allowing Mike to hold him until the terror subsides. 

But for some reason, this time, Will isn’t so receptive. 

It takes a moment, but out of nowhere, Will pushes Mike away, that terrified look still remaining on his face. He’s even paler than he was just a second ago, causing confusion to grow in Mike’s heart and mind. Before Mike can say anything though, Will whispers, “Mike… we have to go. Now.”

There’s an urgency in his voice unlike anything Mike has ever heard before, and that, coupled with the look of pure fear in Will’s eyes, is enough for Mike to understand exactly what’s going on, even before Will says anything about it. After all, there’s only one thing that would scare Will this much, and really, it’s just their shared, awful luck that this would happen today of all days. 

They just got together—finally, after years and years of dancing around each other and hiding from themselves and one another and never fully knowing if their feelings would be reciprocated. They just crossed that line from just friends into something more, and now…

Now, the world is actually, quite literally about to end. Now, the two of them stand on the precipice of something that could change everything and could ultimately decide the fate of the rest of the world. Now, the past five years of having their lives uprooted by the Upside Down will come to an end, one way or another.

Mike swallows the lump in the back of his throat, and he turns, meeting Will’s eyes. “It’s him, isn’t it?” he asks quietly, though he already knows the answer. 

A grim expression forms on Will’s face, and he takes another slow, shuddered breath, before nodding. “Yeah,” Will whispers back. “It’s him. One’s back, and we… we have to go. Now.”

The words before it’s too late hang on the end of Will’s sentence—unspoken, but not unsaid. He doesn’t have to say anything else or give any other details. Not yet at least. Those will come in time, as soon as they wake up the others and fill them in on what’s happening. But for right now, just between the two of them, all that Will has said is enough. 

And Mike gets the awful feeling that… that one way or another, today is going to be the end.

“Okay,” Mike whispers. He takes a deep breath. In and out. In and out. In and out. Then, a bit more confident, “We’ll go wake the others up, and we’ll put an end to this. It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Those words aren’t ones that he has any business promising, and both of them know it. Still, Will’s shoulders do relax just a little bit, and he scoots close to Mike once more, taking Mike’s hand in his own. “It’s going to be okay,” Will echoes faintly. “We’ll make it through this.”

There’s a slight tremble in his voice, like he doesn’t know if he believes those words, and truthfully, Mike doesn’t know if he does either. But he forces himself to smile anyways and leans forward, kissing Will’s forehead. “Whatever happens today,” Mike says, his voice quiet, “I want you to know I love you.”

For a moment, it’s quiet in the room—the only sound the faint inhale and exhale from Will and from Mike himself. Then, in a voice that’s impossibly soft but still full of so much certainty, Will replies, “I know… and I love you too. Always.”

He glances back up at Mike with a bittersweet look in his eyes. The words are true, and Mike has no doubt about that in his mind… But both of them know that the words are a bit of a goodbye too—the last chance they might get to say things like this to one another, in case today doesn’t go the way any of them plan for it to.

Best case scenario? 

El manages to defeat One. None of their friends or family die. Hawkins and the rest of the world are saved. Somehow, some way, they figure out how to go back to being normal, stupid teenagers, and they put all of this behind them.

Worst case scenario? 

Well… Mike doesn’t really want to think about that. Best not to deal in what ifs and best not to let himself become too terrified of the outcome. What matters most is right now and finding the others, so they can actually stand a fighting chance. 

What comes later will come later.

“Always,” Mike echoes, just as soft as Will, and because he can—he can now—he leans forward and steals a quick kiss. “Come on. We should go wake the others.”

**

Downtown Hawkins is a complete wreck.

There’s no other way to describe it. This place has been a ghost town for over two years now, run down and battered and destroyed by the monsters that come up out of the rifts from the Upside Down. That’s no surprise at all, but what is a surprise is just how quickly a ghost town can become a battlefield. 

There are monsters everywhere, and large, black vines sprout up from the middle of the town—what used to be the library but has been a massive gate leading to the Upside Down since March 1986. The monsters just keep on coming, hundreds of them crawling, flying, stumbling out of the gate with roars and snarls so loud it’s a miracle Mike’s eardrums don’t burst.

The Party—which now unfortunately includes more than just the close friends Mike’s known since his childhood—has been training for this the entire time. Over three years of preparation have led them to this moment, but even all that time spent training and learning how to fight and how not to immediately die in battle can only get them so far. There’s only a small handful of them, and there are hundreds of monsters. 

If El can’t beat One, then there’s no way this doesn’t end with every single last one of them dead at the hands of some twisted, demo-creature. 

Still, Mike keeps fighting, operating on nothing but pure adrenaline now. There’s definitely a nasty cut and a bump on his head from a tussle with some mutated demodog of sorts, but Mike barely pays any attention to that. All he can do is keep fighting, shooting down demo-creature after creature and praying to whatever fucking deity may or may not be listening that he doesn’t run out of bullets before this is all said and done.

He’s long since lost track of nearly all the other Party members. El’s off somewhere fighting One. Lucas and Dustin are nowhere to be found but hopefully still alive and hopefully with someone else in their little group. The only person Mike’s managed to keep an eye on this whole time has been Will—and only because he and Will refuse to leave one another’s side. They’ve spent the better part of this battle fighting back-to-back with one another, barrages of well-aimed bullets flying out from their rifles and into the bodies of the monsters threatening to rip them into shreds. 

If this is how it ends, then all Mike knows is that he wants to be close to Will. 

The battle feels like it goes on forever—or at least long enough that the adrenaline begins to wear off, and the rifle in Mike’s hands begins to feel too heavy, and his limbs start to feel like they’re made out of jello. The exhaustion settles in, but there’s no time for that. Not when monster after monster keeps coming through the massive gate by the old library. So, despite the fact that everything begins to become a blur around him and it feels a bit like Mike is swimming underwater, trying his damnedest just to stay afloat, Mike keeps going and going and going in this hazy state until—

Until a scream pulls him right out of the haze. 

That scream is the gravity that takes Mike’s hand and pulls, pulls, pulls until Mike is crashing back down to earth in a crumpled heap. Suddenly, Mike feels more awake and more attuned to his surroundings and filled with a newfound strength that wasn’t there before.

It comes too little, too late though.

Because as Mike turns around, looking in the direction that the scream had just come from, he feels his heart drop all the way to the bottom of his stomach. Pure panic and terror settle into his heart and mind, replacing the exhaustion from before, and in an instant, it’s like everything within Mike has been reoriented, only able to focus on one thing.

On one person.

“Will!”

The scream tears itself from Mike’s throat, and before he can even process it, Mike is sprinting to where his boyfriend now lies on the ground, bright red blood pooling around him. The two of them must’ve gotten separated only moments ago, because Will’s a few feet away from him, and there’s a whimpering, half-dead demo-creature lying halfway between the two of them. The blood from the creature flows down the street, joining the pool of Will’s blood, and Mike fights the urge to gag as he throws himself down onto the pavement beside him.

The battle rages on all around the two of them, monstrous roars still echoing in the streets of their hometown—the horrific soundtrack to what is easily the worst moment of Mike’s life.

Because up close, it becomes even more clear just how bad Will’s injuries are. What’s left of his shirt is soaked in blood, and the tattered remains of the shirt barely cover the open wounds in Will’s chest and stomach. Every single breath he takes is labored and trembling, and already, his eyes have become glassy and distant.

He’s dying. 

Will is dying, and if Mike doesn’t do anything about it, he’s going to lose him, he’s going to lose Will, oh God, he’s going to lose Will, oh God, oh God, oh God—

“M-Mike?”

It’s Will’s wheezy, strained voice that snaps Mike out of the panic, and Mike flinches sharply, looking down at his boyfriend. Will’s eyes flutter open and closed, open and closed, and he struggles to keep them open as he looks up at Mike. He’s even paler than he was just mere moments again.

He’s fading. Quickly. Faster than Mike can even keep up with, let alone do something about.

Will is dying.

And Mike is going to lose him.

“J-just hold on, Will,” Mike manages to say, except that it comes out as more of a hoarse croak. His own chest feels tight, like someone is squeezing all the air right out from his lungs, and Mike chokes back a sob, weakly reaching for Will and pulling him into his arms. “Just hold on, okay? Okay, just hold on; you’re going to be okay; just hold on—HELP! Someone please! HELP! HELP US!”

Somehow, there’s no one around. Nobody can hear the strangled, desperate screams that are coming out of Mike’s mouth; nobody is around to see him sobbing and hugging Will tighter, as if somehow holding on to him will keep him here and keep him alive. Not even the demo-creatures, who were just surrounding them and threatening their lives, are around. 

It’s just Mike and Will here.

Nobody is coming to help them.

Will is dying.

And Mike is going to lose him.

“I’m sorry,” Mike gasps, looking back down at Will through the blurry tears in his eyes. “Will, I… I don’t think… I don’t know if—”

“Shh,” Will whispers, and he reaches up weakly, placing a trembling hand on Mike’s cheek. Somehow, he manages a smile, though his lips and teeth are stained red with blood. “Shh… Mike… ‘s okay… ‘s okay.”

Every single word out of his mouth sounds strained, as if it hurts to say anything, and Mike bites back a sob, holding Will closer. “It’s not okay,” he whispers back, shaking his head. “I – I don’t… I don’t want to lose you, Will. You can’t go; please, you can’t—”

Again, Will offers him a smile, and he runs his thumb carefully, gently across Mike’s cheek. “You… you’ll be okay,” he murmurs and takes another quiet, labored breath. Then: “I… I’m glad you’re… here with me.”

The words feel like a knife in Mike’s already wounded heart, twisting deeper and deeper and delivering the final blow. That familiar feeling of desperation crawls back up to the surface as Mike tries to think of something—anything—he can do to save Will. There has to be something that can be done, some way to save Will, some solution that will keep them from the ending they’re quickly approaching.

But without anyone nearby, there’s nothing that can be done. There’s no solution, no way to save Will at this point, nothing that Mike can do.

Nothing except for sit here and stay with Will until the very end.

So, that’s exactly what Mike does.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Mike promises softly, and he tilts his head, pressing a kiss against Will’s palm. The tears won’t stop now; they just keep coming and coming, dripping down Mike’s cheeks and onto the bloody ground. “I’ll stay here with you, Will… until… until…”

His voice trails off, dissolving into another sob, but Will gets exactly what Mike is trying to say. He always does, and though he looks exhausted and barely able to hold on any longer, Will smiles up at Mike and takes his other hand, interlacing their fingers. 

Time, the strange thing that it is, seems to slow down around them. It’s as if Mike is having an out-of-body experience, watching all this happen in slow motion around them—a mere observer to the worst moment of his life and the end of Will’s.

“I love you,” Will murmurs, breathless and barely audible now. 

“I love you too,” Mike whispers back, and he squeezes Will’s hand tightly, afraid to let go. The world shrinks and shrinks and shrinks until it’s just the two of them, frozen in this slow motion reality, and he watches as Will’s eyes flutter open and closed, open and closed, open… and closed.

He doesn’t open his eyes again.

And Mike’s world comes crashing down.

All at once, it’s as if the dam has burst, and another desperate, broken sob rips itself from Mike’s throat: “Will!” 

Whatever sense of peace or at least acceptance that he might have found lulled into during Will’s last moments has all but disappeared now—replaced by a gut-wrenching, all-consuming, grief that washes over him like a flood. The rest of the world still feels far away, as if nothing else in the world matters but Will, Will, Will.

Will is gone.

Will is gone. 

He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s lying here and is dead in Mike’s arms, he isn’t breathing anymore, and his blood is all over the ground and all over Mike, and he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone—

“I’m sorry,” Mike whispers brokenly, and he holds onto Will’s lifeless body, rocking back and forth in some desperate attempt to wake him up or to do something, anything, to fix this. “P-please come back, Will; please, please, please don’t go, please come back, don’t leave me, please don’t go, please, Will, please come back, please, Will—”

Time passes in its ever strange, inconsistent movement. It’s hard something that Mike can’t keep track of—not when his focus is solely on Will. 

But then, out of nowhere, something pulls Mike’s focus away from Will.

The air grows colder around the two of them; a pervasive, terrifying feeling of evil and darkness settles over downtown Hawkins. It’s familiar but jarring all at once, and Mike can’t help but shudder, holding Will’s body closer to his own. Slowly but surely, reality begins to settle back in, trickling in little by little through the cracks of Mike’s broken heart and mind.

The world around him is eerily quiet and terrifyingly still. Unlike the battlefield from before, downtown Hawkins has once again been reduced to nothing but a near silent ghost town. Gone are the vicious snarls and growls of monsters. Gone is the sound of bullets ricocheting through the air. Gone are the screams and furious cries of his friends and family.

In place of all of that is the simple sound of footsteps approaching him.

The footsteps are quickly approaching. Each step taken is one made with intention, and the movement brings that pervasive feeling of darkness closer and closer to Mike until the air around him feels near suffocating. All the while, Mike’s heart pounds in a nervous thumpthumpthump as the realization settles back in.

The battle is over.

There is no one left—no one but Mike.

All of his family, his friends, Will… they’re all gone.

And One has done it. He’s finally succeeded.

This is it.

This is the end.

As the footsteps approach, Mike takes a deep breath, and he leans down, pressing one last kiss to Will’s forehead. If this is it, if this is the end, if somehow Mike is the last person left of the Party, then he won’t go down without a fight. It doesn’t matter how futile it is. Mike has to at least try.

So, he gathers up all the courage left inside of him, and Mike lifts his head, daring to look One in the eye. 

Icy blue eyes meet Mike’s own for the first time as something akin to a smile forms on One’s face. He looks pleased—amused even—and stops, just a few feet away from Mike and Will. “Michael Wheeler,” One says, voice low and gravelly, “we meet at last.”

Mike swallows the lump in his throat, doing the best to ignore the way his stomach is twisted into knots. It feels impossible—that he would be the last person standing here after all this fighting and bloodshed. Mike’s never been much of a hero, and God knows that he barely stands a fighting chance against One. 

Still, his friends died trying to fight One and the monsters of the Upside Down. Will died trying to fight One and the monsters of the Upside Down. And if Mike is going to die too, then… so be it. 

“Rot in hell,” Mike spits, his own voice full of venom. His rifle’s long since gone, tossed aside somewhere in the desperation to save Will, so all he’s got left to fight with now are his words. Those will just have to do. 

One just chuckles and takes another step towards Mike, gesturing to the ruins of downtown Hawkins. “Look around you, Michael,” he says coldly, and against his own better judgment, Mike does so, his breath hitching as he takes in the carnage from the battle. “Do you see what I have done? Do you see what I am capable of? Do you see how futile fighting back is?” 

Suddenly, it feels as though some invisible force is wrapped around Mike, and it pulls him all the way to his feet with a terrified yelp. The force squeezes him so tightly Mike feels like he can barely breathe, and it brings him forward until Mike finds himself barely inches away from One. 

Another twisted smile forms on One’s face. He reaches forward, running his large, clawed hand down Mike’s cheek, and whispers, “You’re going to send a message for me, Michael Wheeler.” 

Barely a moment after the words have left his mouth, the visions begin.

The visions are familiar—some moments that Mike has lived through and seen with his own two eyes and others that he’s only heard about from his friends and family. They flash across his eyes at dizzying, overwhelming speeds, one right after another after another. 

At first, the visions are moments from today. Glimpses of the battle they all have just fought and lost, the screams of his friends and family, the snarls and growls of hundreds of demo-creatures coming out from the gates. But then, the visions work their way backwards, moving through moments in time from patrols over these past two years, Upside Down storms that began to cover Hawkins, and sporadic monster attacks that they almost didn’t survive.

The day at the meadow flashes through Mike’s line of sight too, before it quickly melts away into memories not belonging to himself. A jarring CRACK resonates through his mind as he watches Max’s bones snap and sees the gates ripping across all of Hawkins during that spring. Then, even before that, he sees Eddie’s death, sees his friends fighting for their lives against demobats and against vines, sees El and Max struggling against One’s power over them.

Suddenly, it’s the summer before, with the Mind Flayer and the Flayed and Billy. Starcourt Mall, going up in flames as the Mind Flayer’s fleshy form towered over and chased all of them. Black tendrils tracing up and down Billy’s face as an otherworldly horror controlled his actions. Will’s haunted whisper that the Mind Flayer was back, that this wasn’t over, that they still hadn’t escaped this.

Then, it’s the fall before that. The tunnels and the massive gate to the Upside Down. The night at the lab, with demodogs tearing through flesh and bone and with people screaming and crying for help. The Mind Flayer’s shadowy form, descending on Will, choking him, filling him up, and taking over his mind and body.

Finally, the visions end with that very first fall. The demogorgon, feasting on Brenner’s men at Hawkins Middle School. Hopper and Joyce finding Will in Upside Down. Will hiding and running for his life in the Upside Down, all alone with no one to help him. Barb screaming for help as the demogorgon rips her to shreds, and then—

Will.

Riding his bike through Hawkins, that very first night when this all began.

“Tell Will,” One’s voice whispers into the silence of Will’s bike ride through Hawkins, “that I am coming. The end is near, Michael. And there is nothing any of you can do to stop what I have been planning all along.”

One last vision flickers across Mike’s line of sight.

A memory that he still remembers, clear as day.

“It was a seven,” Will’s twelve year-old self says to Mike’s own younger self.

“Huh?” 

“The roll,” Will explains. “It was a seven. The demogorgon – it got me. Well, see you tomorrow!”

And just like that, Will’s younger self rides away, leaving Mike’s younger self standing just outside his garage.

Mike watches as the garage light flickers above his younger self.

Then, in the next instant, he finds himself falling into the darkness.

**

The darkness seems to last for an eternity. 

There’s an inky black void surrounding him as Mike falls, and he can’t help but scream, reaching out for something, anything to pull himself back up. But there’s absolutely nothing there to hold onto, so Mike just continues to fall and fall and fall, further and further into the darkness.

Then, suddenly, the darkness dissipates. The fog clears just a little bit, enough for Mike to hear someone call out his name: “MIKE!” 

Will? 

“MIKE!” the person—that’s Will, it has to be Will—calls again, more desperate this time, and Mike reaches back up, trying to grasp onto anything that will pull him out of the darkness. The way out seems just a little bit closer now, getting easier to reach out to as Will calls his name again, “MIKE! MIKE! MI—”

And with a gasp, Mike opens his eyes.

Light floods his line of sight, replacing the never-ending darkness at an overwhelmingly fast pace. Mike’s mind feels like it’s racing at a million miles an hour, and his heart is pounding inside his chest, so hard that it almost hurts to breathe. All the while, the room spins around and around and around and around and—

Suddenly, Mike’s knees buckle, nearly sending him crashing to the ground. Fortunately, someone—Will—is there to catch him, and though the two of them both stumble, Will manages to break his fall. “Mike?” he asks, voice full of concern. “Mike, hey, are you okay?” 

There are tears in Will’s eyes, and his face looks blotchy, like he’s been crying. Still, even with the worry written all over his expression, there’s relief there too, and Mike takes a shuddered breath, choosing to focus on Will. 

Will’s here. Will’s here, and he – he’s alive. He’s alive. Mike didn’t lose him. He’s not dead. Will isn’t dead.

Which means…

That entire battle must have been a vision from One. An opportunity for One to pass along a message that he’d been waiting to send. And… a warning for what’s still to come.

“Shit,” Mike whispers. “Shit. Will, we have to – he… One… I—”

“Hey, just take a deep breath,” Will says worriedly, and he hesitates, before reaching for Mike’s hand. “Just breathe, okay? Mike, you – you were in that trance for a while. We couldn’t snap you out of it, and I… I thought I was going to lose you.”

Will’s voice breaks on those last few words, breaking Mike’s heart with it. “I’m still here,” Mike reassures, reaching up and cupping Will’s cheek as gently as he can. “I’m still here, Will.”

A bright rosy blush spreads across Will’s face as his eyes widen and glance at Mike’s hand. “I know you are,” he replies quietly, “but I… I still could’ve lost you. I – I mean… we all could have.” 

The memories of seeing Will’s mangled body on the ground, surrounded by a pool of blood, come back to the forefront of Mike’s mind, and he can’t help but shudder. Without giving it another thought, he wraps his arms around Will, hugging him as tight as he possibly can. 

Mike… he still has no idea how much of the past two days have actually been part of his vision from One versus how much was real. There’s no doubt in his mind that the battle itself and his encounter with One were all a result of being held in a trance, but as for… as for everything that came before that—confessing his love for Will and learning about Will’s feelings in return—Mike isn’t honestly sure. 

There’s a part of him that thinks… maybe that stuff was just too good to be true. Maybe Mike did make that all up in his mind, or maybe it was just a trick from One, designed to taunt him before delivering the final blow. Maybe what happened with Will the night before that battle was nothing more than just a dream. 

Mike swallows the lump in his throat, and he tries not to think about that as Will hugs him tighter and buries his head in Mike’s shoulder. “I’m still here,” Mike repeats, softer now than before. “We’re both still here… We’re not going to lose each other, Will.” 

“The end is near, Michael,” One’s voice echoes through his mind—the cruel threat solidified in his mind now as a promise. This isn’t over. What Mike saw in his vision… it may very well come to pass. 

And just like Will once said to him, One isn’t going to stop until he takes everything and everyone. 

“And there is nothing any of you can do to stop what I have been planning all along,” One had told him, as the visions of Will leaving Mike’s house on that fateful night had played out for him like a twisted home video. 

More importantly, One isn���t going to stop until takes Will.

Mike can’t let that happen. He can’t lose Will.

Will takes a shaky breath of his own, and he pulls away, just enough for the two of them to look at each other, and offers Mike a tiny smile. “We won’t,” he agrees softly. He hesitates, then carefully lifts his hand, resting it against Mike’s cheek. “Are you… are you okay?” 

Will’s hand is warm against Mike’s face, and his touch feels like electricity. There’s something so genuine and so tender about the way that he’s looking at Mike and the way he gently runs his thumb across Mike’s cheek, over and over again. He’s here—warm and firm and solid, close enough that Mike is able to take his hand and hold on and never let go. 

Will’s here. He’s okay. He’s safe. 

And for now, that’s all that matters. 

So, even in spite of One’s haunting message and the visions from their past and the warnings of the future, Mike finds the ability to smile. He reaches up, putting his hand over Will’s, and he nods. “I’m okay. You’re here, so… I’m okay.”

Those words cause Will’s face to turn an even brighter shade of red, but he smiles regardless, leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Mike’s own. He takes Mike’s other free hand in his own and doesn’t say anything else—not that Mike needs him to. They’ve always been able to communicate without words, and this time is no different. 

Sure, the future might be bleak, and there’s no telling whether One’s visions will come to pass, even in spite of their best efforts to fight back. But right here, right now, he and Will are together. They’re both safe, and they’re both here.

All they can do is take this moment for what it's worth and hold onto each other while they still can. 

And for now, it ends in very much the same way that Mike thinks it began.

The steady yet nervous thump, thump, thump of a heartbeat that Mike can hear as loud as his own. A body nestled close beside him; an artist’s hands, smooth and soft and ever gentle, intertwined with Mike’s; a boy he has known for nearly his entire life and loved in some way for just as long who is here, here, here right in front—all Mike’s for the taking, just like Mike is all his. 

#byler #byler fanfic #andi writes not dies #byler ficlet

[quarktrinity]

quark watches star trek season 1 episode 29

oh cool this is the last episode of season 1

uhura girlsplains private transmitters to kirk

weirdly colorful star map

why do they call other ships "he" i thought ships were girls

hey wasnt warp factor 8 super dangerous are we just cool with that now

kirk determined to save other ship flying into the sun i love this dude

some cryptic shit

k that dudes dead. bye

omg jims brother is on this planet :0

i just called kirk jim. i didnt even think about it. oh god.

uhura girlsplains private transmitters to kirk... 2!

kirk wants to see his family :(

this planet looks like the mopop in seattle. if u get it u get it

kirk looks nauseous with emotional vulnerability

insane violent dudes

omg they actually stunned them for once

something fucked ups going on here

kirk please you cant keep plunging crying womens faces into your tits eventually one of thems not gonna be cool with it

kirks brother is dead???

hahahahah he looks exactly like him

yeah hes dead

his nephews ok though

spock uses comfort! its not very effective. can they make out now

alright kirk you can do this. dont seduce your sister in law. i believe in you

her names aurelan im not sure thats a real name

aurelan dont make those noises

what are you talking about

this actress is determined to sound overwhelmingly horny when shes supposed to sound upset

some weird brain shit going on

"they"

evil brain creatures doing evil brain things to build ships?

horniest scream ive ever heard

uh rip aurelan i guess. congrats kirk you got through an episode with a hot girl without making out with her

kirk status: Repressing Sadness

are the aliens bees. they sound like bees

oh GOD

theyre like flying manta rays oh jesus. ok thats fucked

they look silly as shit but also the direction lets them be terrifying

SPOCK GOT MANTA'D

oh shit i think its in his brain

this is gonna be gay isnt it

anyone who thinks mccoy isnt kinda gay for spock is stupidly wrong

eugh its all up in his bod

alright theyre a little like bees

fight it spock fight it

"locate and restrain mr spock" very normal of u to say kirk

kirk pins spock to the floor. ok

i got bingo

spock u good

"i will be able to return to duty" i dont believe you

spock says i can just turn off my pain

"i need you, spock" DO YOU NOW, KIRK?

spock youre so possessed rn

yes scotty threaten his life

spock has Determination

"i am in complete control of myself, doctor" NO YOURE NOOOOT

kirk no dont believe him i know youre in love but you gotta use your brain i know you have one

sigh. ok spock try ur best to resist the evil brain things i guess

they look like those things from half life

theres so many oh god

cmon spock u got this

grabs u with my pinchers

mission successful thank god. manta ray thing kidnapped.

spock says fuck my own needs i am Useful

its a giant brain cell? thats super cool ngl

a lot of these aliens have really cool concepts and still look silly as shit

more mcspock sexual tension

kirk says computers good this time

"your affection for spock" DUDE

to spread brainpox or commit genocide. that is the question. kirk says no

star trek doesnt know that light is radiation

kill the brain mantas with light. ok

sorry we might have to blind you to free you from brain disease

spocks blind now

"these creatures are sensitive to light which we cannot see" you have described radiation. you said you tried radiation and it didnt work. dont do this to me

sorry spock we didnt need to blind you. its ok though he forgives us anyway

ULTRAVIOLET? THEYRE WEAK TO ULTRAVIOLET???? DO THEY KNOW THAT ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT EASILY BLINDS YOU????? DO THEY KNOW HUMANS ARE ALSO WEAK TO ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT??????? DO THEY KNOW THAT THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT RADIATION IS OH MY GOD IM LOSING MY MIND

exposing the entire planet to a giant blast of ultraviolet light is extremely dangerous and im not sure they know that. theyre gonna be so sunburned so many of them are going to get skin cancer

ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT ISNT RED

ugh. ok i guess the brain things are dead anyway. whatever

mcspirk is so real and true

spocks not blind anymore. hes fine now. vulcan stuff

"my first sight was the face of dr mccoy bending over me" WHAT

"tis a pity brief blindness did not increase your appreciation for beauty, mr spock" WHAT????????

MCSPIRK IS SO REAL AND TRUE

#quark watches star trek #star trek #star trek tos

[princesseevee06]

heyheyhey!! 'Your Turn Ryoko' is very yummy and i love your brainrotting and art so much T_T its really cool to see the yttd cast in different roles! i am oh so very invested hehsjfhsj

noww, i was wondering what Maple and Midori's dynamic/relationship is like in your au? 👀

(i ask this because i was thinking to myself how funny it'd be if Maple was still Out To Murder™ Midori at the beginning of their relationship [or something akin to that,] and if Midori was still Terrified™ of her even as a human HAHA though its unlikely ^^")

also, if Sou and Shin are taking the roles of Shin and Kanna respectively.. what does that mean for the main game of chapter 2.... o.o

but yeah, dont feel pressured to answer anything if its too spoilery or just straight up wrong haha!! i love your au and i look forward to seeing more :D

hello bread!!! (is it,, okay if i call you that??? i dont really know what else to 😭) thank you for continually being so kind and supportive about my au and art in general ;-; i am glad someone enjoys my silly ramblings. i also think your art is super duper cool!!!

okok for the maple and sou question: so because maple wanting to kill him was kind of part of her programming as an obstructor, that wouldn’t really apply here, but that idea is still SO funny to me?? i’ll def have to doodle that at some point lmaooo

their dynamic here is actually really polite! i see them as being good buddies :) maple is one of the participants who’s closer to sou, because she very much wants to work together with the others and see the good in everyone. it’s very much like. “awwww what a nice guy!” and then the guy in question is plotting murder ahsjkskdks

just as an example:

although, i still can def see sou being a little bit scared of her, because maple very much can be scary when she wants to. she’s very opposed to the ideas that the death game perpetuates, what with suspecting and betraying one another, and so while most of her ire is directed towards the floormasters, she can also get pretty pissed when the actual participants try to trick each other. so…yeah, sou tries to stay on her good side and be a nice boy. but he also does genuinely think she’s neat!

for the shin and sou question: i wasn’t actually going to talk about the second main game for at least a little while, but im horrible at keeping secrets anyways and talking about this excites me, so why the hell not!!

so, while over time i’ve leaned less into the idea of a character’s “role” determining the actions they take (e.g. just because shin takes kanna’s role doesn’t mean he acts like kanna), the one thing i have stuck to is that when one character takes another’s role, they will always die at the same point in the story. i wanted to also incorporate ‘branching paths’ for ytr as well, because it’s one of the things that really sticks out to me about yttd!

…so yeah the second main game vote is either between voting for shin or sou (or technically ranmaru, but then everyone else would die). it’s vv tragic to me, because i love both of them </3 but i do what i must for angst.

i’m definitely going to give the main games their own posts (and almost 100% some art as well) in the future, but if you’ll allow me to get a bit rambly about shin and sou’s dynamic here and how it affects the main game, ehehe… ^_^

sou and shin at the beginning of the death game very much start out with ulterior motives. yes, they are friends, but they also gain something out of allying with each other: someone who they can rely on/who can vouch for them, which improves their chances of surviving. so they act all buddy-buddy, but there’s definitely tinges of manipulation going on from both sides (and while they realize exactly what’s happening they still acknowledge that this “trade-off” (both literally and metaphorically lol) is a good deal for both of them)

but throughout the death game they end up getting a lot more comfortable/vulnerable with each other, and soon enough they realize they really care about each other (really, they have the whole time). and this obviously complicates things because them wanting to protect each other throws a wrench in the whole “every-man-for-himself” ideology they’ve been preaching.

so, kind of like kanna, sou tries to get the sacrifice card during the second main game trading phase, but he does it with the intention of having him and shin escape together. …he does not actually get the card because the cards get swapped by gashu (there’s different reasoning for why they’re swapped this time but i’ll get into that in another post as well probably). hence, pain.

i envision the end of the 2nd main game being almost a screaming match between the two as they desperately try to convince everyone else to “vote for me so he can live!” (sort of like the shin and kanna vote but even angrier) (because kanna is a sweetheart and sou is Not) (it’s horribly ironic as i’d consider shin and sou the two characters with the strongest survival instinct in this cast, yet they are both driven to self-sacrifice here)

okok uhhhh sorry for the long tangent as you can see i’m evidently insane about these two’s dynamic in this au! ANYWAYS this vote is a lot different from the shin & kanna one because no matter who ryoko votes for as the tiebreaker, the one who survives will be PISSED. and by god they try everything to make her life a living nightmare in chapter 3 (because. being ryoko is suffering)

…i apologize so much this is probably incoherent because at the time of writing this it was past 1AM. but regardless thank you so much for the ask and your continuous support, and expect more content soon!!! :DD

#princesseevee answers #yttd #your turn ryoko #yttd maple #sou hiyori #yttd midori #shin tsukimi #my art

[fufaitazu]

side order thoughts spoilers belowwww. so dont wead it<3!

OFF THE FUCKKING HOOK AGGHH im the off the hook + their friend 8 guy and this dlc literally just being Off The Hook Jamboree made me sob and throw up. it's a story about MARINA first and foremost she's one of the most precious characters to me in the world so it makes me very very happy to see her at the forefront of the story.

i like that she is gay yes but i also really love that in this world of her own making, something she designed to help heal sanitized octarians (WHICH IS ALSO HUGE TO ME. FORRR THE RECORD!!!!) the main antagonist and who jeopardizes her vision is a pretty on the nose manifestation of her own like Signature Character Flaw, that being that she's terrified of change. i am VERY happy they did not do "heel turn evil marina". i am happy there was no twist villain. it was a story about marina's growth as a person and how she's learned to embrace chaos and that there are parts of living she can't control. that unpredictability and impulse and change can end poorly sure but it can also take her to places she'd never dreamed of seeing before.

acht is funny because i made the fucking dumb fuck mistake of assuming dedf1sh wouldnt ever be canonically relevant beyond their role in octo expansion so id workshopped a number of headcanons about them and how they speak and behave but they're literally at the forefront here as an entirely different character from what i'd been envisioning in my head

WHEN THEY FIRST START INTERACTING WITH PEARL AND MARINA THEY LEGIT GIVE ME THE VIBE OF LIKE. MARINA'S EX WHO CLEARLY THINKS PEARL IS KIND OF ANNOYING BUT PEARL IS OBLIVIOUS TO THE UNDERLYING RESENTMENT. it was really funny to me. i do think acht came around to her by the end of the dlc they can tell marina is much happier with where her life is after leaving octo valley

acht is important in the general Marina Narrative as well as they're like. there to remind marina of what she can still treasure from her past. and pearl is there to continue walking forward with her into a brighter future. it's kind of beautiful i think.

AND BIIITCH I PREDICTED THE SQUARE BECOMING AN UNLOCKABLE HUB AND THAT MEANSI GET TO HEAR COLOR PULSE AT SPLATFESTS AGAIN AND CRY!

anyway im also glad its not as scary as a lot of people predicted; not because i could not handle that but because after eight escaped kamabo co i dont think she needs any more horror on the level of "we are grinding exceptional members of your kind in to sludge and using that sludge to turn yet more of your kind who DARED to try living a better life into barely-alive shambling bodies."

like dont get me wrong she certainly still takes it personally that something would try to impede marina's attempt to heal sanitized octarians (especially since that thing is a Visible Manifestation Of An Abstract Fear That Is Literally Eating Her Alive At The Start Of The Game) but frankly the events of the main game (i mean its like kamabo co two here we're kidnapping your kind and turning them into something unrecognizable) would be significantly more distressing for her than "i'm helping marina fix her computer and pearl and dedf1sh are here"

i love that she was on tour with off the hook too... they really love her she really loves them...

ok think i got it out of my system i need lunch now

#lameyposting

[nenestansunsthings]

HOLY SHIT THE NEW EPISODE????

the whole gundam thing has FINALLY been openly revealed holy fuck

(also, occupying less space in my mind but still there- og elan is doing SO fucking bad at pretending to our beloved el4n. i hate him a normal amount. he was so out of character i am honestly stunned suletta didnt notice)

eyeing nika and shaddiq and whatever was going on in their scene. hey man are you good. what are you thankful to nika for will we need to be worried

anyway i was terrified when they got suletta up on that stage and i was RIGHT to be. the sheer balls the peil and whatever the jeturk companys name is had to a) reveal they had actually made a gundam and b) USE THAT TO TRAP SHIN SEI AND SULETTA, with no fear of repercussion???? and to keep prospera outside too, so she couldnt explain herself

what confuses me most, though, is like- in the end, we can see that she could hear them from outside. she definitely heard miorines declaration of the new company and her getting the funding. why would she not have heard suletta? it looks like she was in the same place both times. did she just ignore her girl???? prospera if you ignored your girl begging for you to help her im going to fucking kill you

MIORINE THANK YOU FOR EXISTING HOLY SHIT. she saw her wife in danger and IMMEDIATELY acted to save her when no one else would. the sudden act of starting a company on stage right then and there to actively fund gundam production, in front of the guys who literally locked suletta in prison for being SUSPECTED of owning a gundam and her father who is called a hero for DESTROYING gundams, took insane levels of courage. im so proud of her. and to ask for his help in the end regardless because she needed it to act anyway, and delling granting it... god. what is wrong with their family (/pos but also im shaking them)

also HELLO???? FIRST OFF, PROSPERA CANONICALLY SAYING SHE THINKS HER DAUGHTERS, PLURAL, ARE IN GOOD HANDS WITH MIORINE???? SO ERI IS LIKE DEFINITELY 100 PERCENT IN THERE RIGHT????

im so worried for miorines new company now. girl does not actually know how aerial works and i dont fucking think prospera is gonna explain it to her.

also suletta.... oh my dear girl suletta... im so sorry

she is going to be REELING at finding out her mom was lying to her for her whole life about her own sister, and ALSO possibly putting her in danger, because the gundams HAVE killed people. like. how do you react to that. im going to kill prospera again a second time for this. she really did believe her mom was an amazing parent who trusted her and loved her- finding out she was being manipulated all her life??? is NOT going to go well. i hope this leads to her bonding with like miorine or guel or something about this but also dear god

suletta deserves better at all times

im so interested in how the next episode is going to go now

#mobile suit gundam the witch from mercury #g witch #g witch spoilers

[moonlightdancer26]

Tw for blood and gore.

So I have been absolutely a fan of snape terrifying fenir Grey back.

And it is with reasonable evidence (snape is a feral bastard your honor but he's competent and that's hot of him), I think I'm pretty sure what happened was this.

Scene :

Snape a young promising death eater still having to prove his worth, he's seen as the runt of the litter and quite literally a half blood.

And since voldemort was close with fenir absolutely 100 % death eaters and bad werewolf would just terrorize anyone.

This time it's snape, fenir gets a word about the werewolf incident (probs Pettigrew but I digress also I just think fenir can read minds so,,,).

Fenir can acknowledge snapes magical ability but he's also known to play with his food and 19 year old snape is something that reminds him of Remus lupin (I am so unsure if lupin had to be civil with fenir during the first Wizarding war as he was undercover), a person willing to prove himself his loyalty to cause that probably would discard him [:(].

It's a night where fenir had his fun but he's bored. He stares at snape and is ready to pounce at him.

But this is Severus motherfucking snape, he has been terrorized by the mauruaders and knows the crunch of leaves, aim to tackle him on the ground. He closes his eyes and waits for what's to expect.

Fenir pounces but mid air snape wordlessly says a curse and it feels like a bear trap and an crucio. Severus snape just fucking placed a cutting (sectumsempraed) his fucking mouth. He's bleeding profusely and looks at snape who's covered in his deatheater mask now having blood, his blood splattered. And the last look is one with terror, because he didn't think he'd die like this, and all he feels is relatively calm, levicorpus fenir thinks.

When he finally wakes up snape looks bored. "you tried to kill me" fenir says weakly, something is wrong. "haven't you heard, im a death eater besides it was an act of self defence" snape says annoyed.

Fenir tried to figure out what was lost and weakly gets up before he can even fully stand up another levicorpus is placed at him. Snape stares at him almost pleased to have a werewolf trapped in a spell of his own making. " I am pretty sure you have so many questions, allow me to answer them. I am not your little play thing, I can kill a man with or without you fenir" he spat.

"but it seems perphaps to make it even more succinct fenir, I wanted to prove a point" wandlessly he levitates to tiny shapry objects. And upon further inspection it's fenir canines. They have been clawed out. Fenir gives a cry of pain and anger before being silenced again "oh don't be dramatic, I haven't cut your hands off, besides the spell I placed will grow your teeth back, they won't be canines, but they will do" he says unbothered.

Snape removes the levicorpus charm and fenir falls down in pain. Fenir looks at snape terrified. "it's funny how you think I'm Remus lupin when I'm not. You may play with your food fenir but I? " snape laughs cruely, "remember that I dissect vermin like you for a living so I'm not scared of a little blood." he sneers at fenir before "and this" snape says holding the canines, "I suppose it's a good memrobila don't you think? I belive it makes my potions room homely". He chuckles before apparating leaving fenir in the dark under a half moon.

I. Fucking. LOVE THISSSSSSS

Thank you so much, anon, for sharing this with me. This sounds so interesting!!

#fenrir greyback #severus snape #pro snape #pro severus snape #snape #anti snaters #harry potter #hp

[frost-sama-senpai-san]

The Jake discorse has me wiling out hold on. First off, Jake English is the absolute LOVE of my GODDAMN life. So jot that down. Also, before we get started, I need you to understand I am using **manipulative** as a neutral term.

Ok SO

Im looking at this duality of like Jake is either a Manipulative Mastermind or a dumb dumb idjit boy with no brain. And I'm sitting here like!!! Neither of the two are completely true, but they can coexist!!

Jake was a child who grew up COMPLETELY alone on an island where everything was waiting to kill him at any fucking second. It follows that he would become almost OBSESSIVE about the state of his FEW relationships after that type of life. Both for companionship and literal (in Lil Hal's case) physical protection.

DO I think Mr. English uses social manipulation on his friends? Yes, absolutely. Do I think it comes from a place of malace or intention to hurt? NO! Jake is OBSESSED with how his friends view him. He is terrified that ONE DAY his friends are going to see him how he sees himself — a sad, lonely kid. So, he has to project the simultaneous images of "badass masculine movie hero" and "lovable goofballwith no brain who needs protection". The former is for HIS OWN self image, and the latter is for the PERCIEVED image of him. These two things are often contradictory... except... in the case of weaponized incompetence.

Aside from the Toxic Masculinity connotations of a lot of Jake's younger thought patterns (that he DOES actively try to unlearn), Jake PRETENDS he doesn't understand how feelings, emotions, and social cues work. He does this when he manipulates Jane into lying about how she has feelings with him by acting oblivious to them. We know he knew about Jane's feelings from a simultaneous chat log with Roxy. If he KNEW, why does he pretend he doesn't?

Remember how we talked about Jake being OBSESSED with his friends' opinions of him? If Jake were to come right out and say "No, I don't feel the same way," his relationship with Jane would become strained and almost inhospitable (at least for a little while), and Jake CANNOT handle that. His anxiety levels would go absolutely fucking BONKERS, SO, in an effort to avoid that nastiness, he forces Jane's hand into letting him off the hook. This is Best Case Scenario for Jake, as, now, the only person Jane can be mad at is herself. After all, SHE was the one who said she didn't have feelings for Jake.

I have a TON of thoughts on this but I'm gonna brief: We ALSO see it in the dissolution of Jake and Dirk's relationship. Jake had an image of Dirk in his head that didn't match the REAL Dirk. Now, in a healthy relationship, this would be something to work through and reconcile; however, there are some parts of Real Dirk that Jake doesn't necessarily like. Instead of being honest and communicating, Jake is SO conflict avoidant that he goes OUT OF HIS WAY to alienate Real Dirk from their relationship. Ugh, I can't remember the chat log, but I distinctly remember Jake talking to SOMEONE about how he and Dirk are growing apart and how he wishes the whole thing would just disappear. That would be the easiest option, right? Well, the next best thing? Blaming the breakdown on SOMEONE ELSE.

He puts Dirk in the position of the "bad guy", implying that it was *Dirk's* fault things were bad, and not his OWN inability to communicate. That way, Dirk can't be mad at JAKE. Again, like Jane, Dirk can only be mad at HIMSELF.

Ok, if you've read this far, you're probably thinking I'm firmly on the Manipulative Mastermind side of this argument, right? Wrong!

I think Jake does a lot of this as a survival mechanism. A lot of it might even be second nature. We see in the Post Trickster Smackdown from Jane, Jake is absolutely WRECKED. He is totally, horrifically GOBSMACKED by the consequences of his actions... not bc he believes they were unwarranted, but bc he KNOWS he DESERVES IT. He calls himself a coward, over and over again, bc he KNOWS his inability to face conflict is ACTIVELY HARMING his friends, and degrading his friends' opinions of him. BUT, just bc he's self-aware, that doesn't mean that second nature instinct just GOES AWAY. It can't! It's been built into him since he was a child, and, bc of the EXACT image he's built, it's been unknowingly enabled for YEARS.

Jake takes the Jane smackdown VERY hard. To the point where he becomes almost lifeless for most of the rest of the comic. His friends dont like him anymore, they TOLERATE him, BARELY. He has ended up in his worst fear — alone, with his friends thinking he doesn't care about THEM. Which couldn't be farther from the truth.

WHICH BRINGZ US TO THE CLINAX!

Up until this point, Jake has been picking fights he KNOW he can win. Whether it be social, or literal physical fights, Jake has not engaged in anything that could TRULY hurt him. He hid on his island until Lil Hal gave him freedom. He hid from the percieved danger of social downfall. He's been a coward, his entire life... until... THE moment he runs into TRUE REAL DANGER.

He steps in front of Jane to save her life. This is THE height of his arc. He cares SO much about his friend, the friend who FORCED him to look DIRECTLY into the eyes of his failure, he would do the one thing he's never done before. Without a second thought, Jake dives for her life, knowing it would kill him.

And that, my friends, is why I think the Jake discourse is silly. He IS manipulative, but he also loves his friends SO incredibly much. He doesn't do it to hurt THEM — he does it to protect himself.

The boy just needs some fucking therapy.

If you made it this far, thank you. As a reminder, I love discourse, but I do not take criticism. Amen, God bless. Go Mets.

#homestuck #jake english #what does this even say holy shit its so long wtf #also these themes continue into the eps and HS2. #his arc kinda goes backwards a bit #but only really for jane #looks at tavros crocker #sobs my lil eyes oit #kisses Jake and his son #i love them

[dckweed]

Heyyy I LOVE your writing!!!!

I was wondering if you could do a Billy Hargrove fic like a super long one like the AMAZING Fez one that you did.

I was wondering if you could do one where the reader is Billy’s girlfriend they have an amazing relationship shes on the Hawkins’s track team and she’s the top Long distance runner and he’s the best basketball player they go to each others games and races etc.

She’s basically the girl known around Hawkins High who tamed Billy Hargrove lol (we all know how much of an asshole he is).

Billy is extremely protective, loving, touchy, clingy and at times possessive of her ESPECIALLY at parties. I was thinking of a story line they went to a party together as she goes away to the bathroom after he does his keg stand stand and she gets sexually assaulted in the bathroom maybe by his best friend Tommy H.

One of her good friends (maybe Nancy Wheeler) finds her afterwards in a shocked state after it happened the reader begs her friend to NOT tell Billy and keep the secret because he’s just gotten his anger issues under control and she doesn’t want his progress to go away because he would absolutely murder the person who did that to his girl!! When they get home she keeps flinching under his touch and it scares him and he keeps saying that he won’t hurt her and why is she scared of him

When she comes back from the bathroom she has to pretend to be okay even tho she’s traumatised Billy immediately knows something is wrong but her friend stands up for her when Billy starts interrogating her about why she looks so upset.

Anyways they go home and he just keeps asking if she’s okay because she’s shaking and looks terrified. They get into a big fight about her not telling him everything like she usually does then she has a massive panic attack and starts sobbing and wailing. He is supporting her through the panic attack then he decides to not ask her anymore because she is clearly very upset he pulls her into his lap and she falls asleep they wake up the next morning and she tells him everything and she has to BEG him not to do anything because she’s embarrassed. And maybe he helps her go to hopper and report it and he’s super supportive and sweet to her.

You can choose what happens the morning when he wakes up with her still asleep on his lap but super fluffy and sweet hahaha. Pet names like sweetheart, baby, sweet girl and pretty girl are the best too btw hahaha

Lol I’m so sorry this was so long but I read an Eddie Munson fic similar to all this^^ and it was AMAZING and I think you write Billy Hargroves character SO well.

I am so sorry I didn’t realise how long this was hahaha and only do this if your comfortable of course I just think you would do so well at this because your amazing at writing especially for Billy x

Love your writing SOOOO much xxx

hi love, thank you much for the compliments but i definitely didn't write that fez one! i reblogged it from the original author with a comment to show my followers how amazing it was because it definitely is a masterpiece!

i tried. the entire time this was in my asks and my drafts, i tried..i apologize sincerely but i genuinely cannot write this, for the sake of my own mental health.

i am actually extremely uncomfortable with sexual assault scenarios due to something that happened to me in my childhood, and while i wanted to accept the challenge..the more i looked at this and tried to start it, the more the memories have been at the forefront of my mind, i haven't slept in over a week due to nightmares alone..im sorry..

request literally anything else and i can do it..just nothing like this..

#stranger things #stranger things s2 #billy hargove x reader #billy hargrove #hopper #billy hargrove fic #billy hargove imagine #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargove fanfic #billy hargrove x reader imagine #stranger things s3

[darkstarbureau]

i get LIVID over something again: the post (you know that i never put titles. im fucking MAD)

post tw: more than one suicide mention

hey man. hey. i dont like bitching about very importamt things to me very much but its one of those times. this may seem incoherent in some parts but im gonna roll with it anyways.

i swear to fucking god. some of you people will say youre an "irl" (absolutely ATROCIOUS term btw. literally do not say this.) and then proceed to go like "im a kinnie and i simp and im fictionkin and im a synpat"

i can confirm that nobody calls themselves an "irl" ever. when you are in a really bad psychotic episode and happen to be indulging in media that your brain hyperfocuses on and start deluding or hallucinating things that are coherent with said media, you didnt "gain an irl". you are in a psychotic episode. you cant collect delusions (UNSHAKEABLE beliefs by the way, grounding yourself is a different thing. but if you bawl like a baby because somebody doesnt think youre twilight sparkle, maybe youre the problem) like blind bag toys?!?

and no, it is not ableist to acknowledge when youre out of that state that you are delusional. it is not a horrific word. it is one thing to use mental illness as an adjective for something you dont like, in that case, that makes you a dick. but i am afraid you cannot suppress your troubles by calling yourself an "irl".

dont even get me started on the people who think that kin and fucking psychosis are one in the same. i dont know if its just me, but it irks me to an unimaginable degree even more to see blogs that group kin, fictionkin, FICTIVES, and PSYCHOSIS, as one whole. on one side, you have a strong liking or relatability to a character. on another, you have a belief that you are an incarnation of a character without delusion involved. on yet another, you have a fragment of underdeveloped personality from a dissociative disorder that has shaped its identity around a character from a media. on yet another fucking side of things, you have a mental state that occurs in people under the influence of some drugs, an injury, extreme pain, schizophrenia, and/or bipolar disorder.

you are not mentally ill if you like a character, want to convince yourself that youre them, and bitch and moan when people dont affirm it: the section

i (do not) regret to inform you that if you are a big fan of a character, you are not psychotic. psychosis is a very serious and distressing state that people often commit suicide from just so they dont have to experience it anymore. if you think that you want psychosis, you dont. i myself consider taking my life every fucking day because of how often ill be in either a psychotic or dissociative state. this is in no way an exaggeration. i know that you people in my screen think that i have a coherent sense of self and reality even if it's false, and you're wrong. it changes all the fucking time. its not cute. not fun. not in any way enjoyable at all. back when i was younger, it would often present in a way that would convince me it wants to help me. now when i try to fight back against it and know its tricks, it turns very ugly very fast. when i run, it slows me down. when i struggle, it sucks me in. when i cry for help, water fills the space my voice was. when i try to swim, sand pushes against the push. but when i succumb, everything stops. even then, i cant win. everything is a question, and i dont think ill ever have the answer; when will it stop? when will it settle?

its not a game of house and your own mental state is not a mannequin to adorn with the worst things the human mind can feel.

say it louder. you cant choose this. you cant. there is no state of disarray where you are conveniently attached to pixels on a screen. "irl disorder" is a thing people actually search on the fucking internet because of you sick fucks. shut the fuck up. did you know that your head doesnt limit what you can be absolutely fucking confused and terrified about to just your favorite video game? i regularly hear things that i ask other people if they did, and they usually say no. i have seen, tasted, smelled, and touched things that disappear when i look away and look back. i have no feeling of connection to your reality. at the same time, everything feels surreal in the worst possible way in the very rare occasion that i can ground myself. i usually don't dissociate when i'm on the computer, because i have always been in that reality. when i step off, it tries its hardest to pull me back to anything that feels like the digital world. i have no goddamn connection to my body.

i want to disappear.

to those people im talking about: i hope this finds you well. you make me want to die even more than i already do. sincerely, gallerian. or nemesis. or seth. i dont know anymore.

#gallerian rants #actually psychotic #actually dissociative

[fayebear8709]

I HATE TIKTOK. I HATE IT.

i hate that very serious mental illness symptoms (intrusive thoughts and delusions specifically) have been sensationalized and have become mainstream terms to dramaticize mundane activities.

im sorry girl but your "intrusive thoughts" where you're just being impulsive are not intrusive thoughts. you have never had an intrusive thought in your life. intrusive thoughts are fucking TERRIFYING and make you question your morality because of them. intrusive thoughts aren't just "i burst out and said fart, the intrusive thoughts won!!!" No. shut the FUCK up, and tell me you wouldn't be terrified of me if i told you what my actual intrusive thoughts were (as a person with a chronic mental illness). intrusive thoughts are not some fun thing you can have to excuse your lack of impulse control. intrusive thoughts are not real, and are more often than not never acted on because.... they're thoughts that might directly contradict your belief system, your morals, or THE LAW. if you knew what intrusive thoughts were, you wouldn't want them sweetie.

people also love to say that they're being "delulu 😝🤭✨" SHUT UPPPP. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!! the man you are being helplessly lead on by and continuing to chase is not a "delusion"; you are willingly making bad decisions. i don't have as much experience with delusions as i do intrusive thoughts but there is LITERALLY mental health conditions related to delusions. your "delusions" are not real delusions. if you can point at yourself and say you're being delusional- hey, that's NOT a real delusion, that is you doing something even though you know it's helpless and you can see how irrational your actions are. actual delusional people are probably not aware that their reality is a delusion. (i'm not wholly educated and i'm mostly just ranting, so please correct me if i'm wrong).

can we also talk about how these terms have been adapted into our vernacular as typical things? because why did we suddenly grow to accept the term "delulu", and be ok with people saying "my intrusive thoughts won"? like these are serious symptoms of mental illness. why are we making them normal terms you freaks use in your every day, not-mentally-ill life?

im sorry babe but if my intrusive thoughts won i'd be on an FBI's most wanted list--and that is precisely the reason why intrusive thoughts are not typically acted on. i genuinely cannot believe that people glamorize these things.

my intrusive thoughts have ruined my life, and every day i am terrified of my thoughts and my own mind. you people don't understand that, and i'm honestly kind of offended that you think you do.

yes, i'm gatekeeping.

because why the fuck would you want to have a debilitating mental illness when you literally don't?

#rant #mental health #personal rant #mental illness #intrusive thoughts #delusions #tiktok sucks #criticism #critical thinking #romanticization #glorification of mental illness

[canisitsnotlupus]

i have done SO much as a dog person and trainer. i used to be the person who would try every single sport, do every single thing i could, and it was great! i had the perfect dogs for it (barring daedra's aggression, he was an incredibly forgiving novice dog, and vivec was just perfect) i've literally done so much and im really proud of my experiences. but there are two things that are the epitome of my decades-long dog training career and dog ownership: 1) training a recall that is full of joy with a dog that runs towards me in response and is excited to be called back, no matter what she was doing (fork. and if you know me, recalls are literally one of my hardest things to train. i have a lot of fear around letting my dogs off leash and them getting lost/injured/hurt/something) 2) having dogs that suddenly have their instinct just "turn on" and years of breeding and focus is apparent in a single moment (all of them) i've been terrified fork was just a Broken retriever and like, i am in SO many retriever groups that are "FORCE FETCH BY 8 MONTHS!!!" so while i do consider myself knowledgeable and stuff, there was still this doubt 'maybe i'm wrong and letting my dog go at her own pace has ruined her and she'll never retrieve' that clearly was misplaced. because she does retrieve. and she does it with joy and delight and is SO funny and cute with it and SO into it and the border collies have always been very instinctual and herdy, but with daedra when i took him to lessons.. i cried. seeing him suddenly "get it" and just boom, really become a border collie just hit me. and then i got galli (my cow bred dog) and at 4 mos he was just.. a beast. it was amazing watching him as a baby dog just manage sheep with confidence and instinct. anyway, i love my dogs, and having them do things with joy is one of the happiest moments of my being as a dog trainer and owner.

[barry-j-blupjeans]

In the stolen century, what if everyone had things they never shared? Little things that grew few as the years went on. What if the years wore down takko seeing his friends, family die over and over. Seeing his twin sister and her dork boyfriend die and become a being of death? His sister had taken a step he dared not follow. Death had taken a new form in his life. And it terrified him, but what could he say? So the words died in his throat years ago, he swallowed the ashes and they sat in his stomach and weighed him down. Feelings that he never shared as he grinned and continued on with life. It was something that never made it into lucertia's books. Yet when his life was stolen, so was the weight of these feelings. When the song returned to his life, the weight slowly returned. It weighed him down that it became noticeable.

Sorry for the word vomit of an idea, its 4 am

never apologize for stuff like this!!! i love this!!!

taako who doesn't know how to bring up emotional topics/thinks it's easier to repress what he feels if it's not positive my BELOVED!! i love the idea that he still carries the weight of all his grief with him, even if he doesn't know why he has it. which adds to the anger towards lucretia bc he could have been healing all this time and he just wasn't allowed to!!

also i wanna add the delicious idea that kravitz is the first one who notices something is wrong. bc everyone cares about him and everyone loves him, but kravitz has gone from knowing his sorta closed off taako to this taako who is so obviously grieving so many things but still won't talk about it. and he might not be a Taako Expert but even he knows that's not how u should process shit??

i do truly think all the birds are fucked up by the stolen century (bc how could they NOT be) but taako is particularly affected just bc of how much he tends to hide and the fact that his first person to go to is lup, who isn't always there and wasn't there for ten years. now that's a different lup, with her own trauma, and he doesn't want to bother her!!! get this boy some therapy!!

idk! the way i write taako's coping is strongly based off part of how i used to cope, which was just: if i don't talk about it, it doesn't exist! im not sad bc i didn't say i was sad! but it's so obvious to literally everyone else how sad he is skdfsdf

i also think he's got some issues w the Lich Idea that he never expressed- mainly that lup was going to keep living after he died. like, you can't unlich yourself (that he knew of then). but he doesn't wanna bring that up bc it's important to stop the hunger n he knows he can't change lup's mind once she's set on something !!

aa!! good food anon! thank u!

#i am speaking #taako #ise cube answers #asks #anon

[alhl444]

i think the scariest thing about myself is that i am a product of everything that has happened to me. everything life has thrown at me and everything i’ve thrown at myself is why i am here.

here.

i mean i think it’s kind of funny that half of the traumatic events of my life wouldn’t have happened if a bunch of random shit didn’t destroy me in elementary school.

who would I be now?

what would i be doing?

would i be okay?

and i look back at the years past and they keep getting farther away,

it’s like i’m standing in the middle of a desolate street in the middle of a field and it’s raining heavily and i’m running and running and running and running and i don’t even know if i’m running to something or running from something.

am i grateful for who i am or am i scared of her?

and i can’t describe this feeling because it’s not just one. it’s this whole plethora of emotions that don’t make sense. because i want to sit in the middle of the very street i’ve been running on and taste the rain and listen to it hit the ground while a song plays in the background and wet hair and maybe just maybe i’ll be at peace.

peace is subjective to even myself though. peace for me would literally be my brain quiet or just nothing. no people to talk to no relationships to maintain.

but i also want to go out and forget about fucking calories and do absolutely everything that terrifies me and do it with the people i love.

if i even really love them.

do they even really love me?

and there’s this heavy, raw feeling i have deep in my bones. i don’t know what the feeling is or if i even want to know.

are we even supposed to understand the things that scare us the most?

and i am a strong believer that no one knows what happiness feels like unless they have experienced true sadness.

i understand that more than a lot of people i think.

speaking as someone who has spent a vast majority of ages 10-13 sad and lonely and just as desolate as the street i run on, i can say that i have enjoyed the few moments of pure happiness that have met my path. those moments of pure lavender flood my senses and make me feel so high like i just took two lines of cocaine and i feel on top of the world and then i slip off the edge of the sphere. and the fall from the highest place in the world is the scariest fall but it’s the one i enjoy the most.

how lucky am i that i have experienced moments so happy that i feel so alone when i am not living them?

and when lavender isn’t around, i make up different versions and i find solace from the same thing i need solace from. i live in those corners of my mind.

maybe someone’s lips touching my own.

a rush i crave simply because i haven’t felt it. and i think it feels so good to imagine the things i’ve never felt.

i imagine myself, older, with a girl or a guy and we are dancing in our kitchen and there are pancakes on the stove and i am content and happy and free and i am fucking okay.

what a dream.

and im running and im running and running and my hands are turning red from the tears i’m bleeding and maybe just maybe this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

because there’s mascara running down my puffy cheeks and i’m staring up at the gray sky like i’m searching for an answer that i already know is not there.

who am i

what is wrong with me

where is the lavender

and i swear on my life i’m not a masochist and hate my own suffering and my own body and how i love and hate everything about how my existence is a pain and 3 tylenols and how i fucking thrive in that.

and i can’t fucking pick if i’m afraid of living or dying because i lay awake at night terrified that someone will come into my house and kill me but when i run in the road i question if i should move when a car comes speeding towards me.

isn’t that funny.

~

obsessive bitch

(this is one of my more personal ones; give feedback :))

#tw mention of ed #poetry #i hope im worth more than my worst days #body image #ideal life #writing #the teenage dream #teenagers #mental illness #notes app #very personal #depressing shit #depression #anxiety #anxious

[bitter-syscourse]

syscourse hot take from yours truly, me. also just a generalized hot take in general.

i do not think minors should be running/owning blogs that cover heavy topics. lets talk about why i think this, and why it directly affects syscourse.

DISCLAIMER // THIS POST IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE OR ANY BLOG IN PARTICULAR. THIS IS SPECIFICALLY MY OPINION, AS AN ADULT, ON WHY I DO NOT THINK MINORS SHOULD BE HANDLING AND/OR COVERING HEAVY TOPICS.

minors can be influenced pretty easily, right? look at what tiktok has done with this disorder. minors are influenced into thinking that this absolutely awful and terrifying disorder is fun and dandy.

now think; minors running these big blogs, specifically syscourse related blogs, might feed into that “influencing minors” by mistake. am i saying all of them do this? no, but ive already noticed a small pattern with this type of stuff. hence the post.

blogs regarding syscourse and why endos/etc are bad are wonderful! yes, i love those, but i do not think that a minor, or anyone with a still developing brain, should be handling these heavy topics. this reaches towards literally everything. between talking of trauma, of C/SA, of S/RA, racism, antisemitism, literally anything and everything that can (and more than likely will) be a heavy topic.

am i saying that no one should be talking about these things? fuck no, if you think thats where im coming from, your back must be aching from reaching that hard. im simply saying that i think only (at least 25y+) adults should be handling these types of situations, and these blogs, to ensure that no one is being influenced to believe either blatant misinformation, blatant lies, or attempts to fear monger.

THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE. I AM WRITING AN EXAMPLE RIGHT NOW THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, I CANNOT EXPRESS THIS ENOUGH. anyone at the age of 15 could easily say something regarding racism, “this and that is racist”, and there is the chance that other 15 y/o’s will say “youre right!” and blindly follow that when, and theres a slim chance, that the OP was wrong about what they said. congrats, now you have multiple people who believed something was right, when it was not! replace “racism” with any of the other topics i mentioned, or really any heavy topic. it works every single way.

this is something i have noticed 100% within the system community on tumblr. i am seeing people under the age of 18 running these syscourse blogs with heavy topics, consistently engaging in syscourse to the point that it doesnt even seem healthy for neither party, and outright spilling their own stories to the public. this is not safe. none of the above is safe. none of the above should ever be happening, and yet, its happening on a daily, because it has been something that i have been witnessing for the past few months.

minors should not be running these blogs. following, sure. reblogging, sure. liking, sure. giving their opinions, sure. running them? actively engaging in this 24/7? spreading their opinions as if theyre pure facts and truth? hell no.

this is just some shit that i am, genuinely, so exhausted of seeing. i am so incredibly tired of seeing minors preaching about these incredibly heavy topics, and chanting that their opinion is the correct one, that theyre right, etc etc.

#-🐝 #syscourse

[avafriedrice]

don’t check the timestamp on this one

rmbr when i threatened all the time about the gender essay. im combining it w the psychosexual essay because the two r kinda inextricable. also you all already know this already so like don’t read my rambling.

it’s the fact that in the end she was so stripped of autonomy from the start. the fact her gender was chosen for her in such a literal medical way, the fact she wasn’t even told of it but only found out after googling the name of the medication she has to Take Every Day Or Else She Dies, and the fact that any sign of gender non-conformity (in the literal loosest sense in that like, even something as simple as playing video games with her brother would read to deirdre as being Too Boyish) was immediately repressed and rejected by her mother because on some level she is terrified she made the “wrong” choice. so ava has to be a girl. this is non-negotiable.

it’s also that so many activities that align with boyishness / boyhood / whatever (you are all aware i am using this in the most basic societal stereotype way and this does not reflect my actual views) were also off-limits due to the number of times she’d hurt herself as a child, and the way this was like, deirdre’s worst nightmare re: ‘they’re going to take you away from me’ type beat. so ava cannot take risks, cannot play outside unsupervised, cannot participate in sports, etc. this is non-negotiable.

so like... where does that leave you? you rebel against a sweet and innocent type of femininity, but femininity is the box you must work within. it is the only way you know to navigate the world, to get what you want; you leverage womanhood to your advantage, you weaponize femininity, you manipulate the people around you and the situations you’re put in to your favor— and so she embraces a sort of femme fatale style, instead.

(weaponizing helplessness specifically is something i was able to explore a lot less due to circumstances of the plot i think... because she doesn’t really WANT to be perceived as helpless (and she thought it could’ve been dangerous for her, too, if someone viewed her as Too Weak)— combined w the fact one of the only times she did try to nearly got her clocked (deserved) meant she let her own competence and scheming come through a lot more / w more people lol)

anyways. this all ties into sex i swear. 

she's so aware of her own mortality and there's this sort of. well. she Could theoretically have someone check her the same way her mother had forced her to, to check her over for bruises and cuts and breaks that could get infected... but consider the trauma. consider the embarrassment and vulnerability and outright hatred of feeling coddled. combined with the fact she Will eventually die and is so convinced it'll come first that there's a certain guilt that has her instinctively prevent anyone from getting Too Close. every interaction has to be wrapped in plausible deniability. there is no room for sincerity here. if she cares for you the kindest thing she can do is push you away, so you don't have to mourn her

so of course all her basic human contact and social interaction is Just Casual Sex. a lot of it. and she doesn't Tell anyone so that they don't hold back and she doesn't end up feeling coddled. and she doesn't enter any serious relationships because how cruel would it be, to force someone who cares for you to watch you die? and she doesn't mean to be cruel (even when she is). and she wants to respect the autonomy of others (mostly). but wouldn't anyone confronted with that choice feel pressured to be kind to the dying girl?

anyways. sincere relationships r so funny they're so hit or miss and so many ppl managed to hit (figuratively) (literally) (etc) she loved a lot of ppl in the end. how nice is that

#careful w this one actually deirdre's the worst lol #slamming out ava meta to try to bust through this block #this one's been in the drafts for a while if i feed my friends will they feed me back. Will i be rewarded

[transmasc-slykinnie]

Part 2 of my story with jazz/@jazzthesapphicqueen how I left

So after November our friendship was really on and off and consisted of her ghosting me and abandoning me on new years, I don't know if my other part on this uploaded or not cause tumblr is a asshole at me and doesn't upload my posts sometimes. But what happened was, that day or a couple days before jazz posted about offing herself was the day one of my alters (they wish to be unamed and left out of this) went after her and bashed her and basically called her out on her mistreatment on us/me. I don't have the screenshots but she basically was apologizing over and over asking them if she needed to talk to me or smth etc, I only know about this because that after confessed what they did to me so I hopped on a couple days after to see what they said and what she said and immediately just sucked up to her and told her it was fine and that I was sorry but did admit I was terrified of her and what my headmate said was true but held back because jazz was in a fragile state. After that I stayed a couple days to make sure she was fine etc etc but we weren't friends. Now I do highly regret my actions and everyday im trying my best to make sure I never ever act this way again but, there was manipulation and guiltripping on my part because I wanted to be her friend again. In my also fragile state I thought "I need to be friends with jazz and look after her cause if I don't she'll die" or "if I don't become friends with her I'm gonna have to tell everyone on tumblr what she's done to me" AND WORRIED ABOUT HER REPUTATION LIKE dvsvavd I wish I could explain my thought process but I promise and swear on everything I am not that way and never will be again. I worked my ass off to build myself back up to where I am. But anyway, jazz always said no until after some of my persuasion she said yes one day so I added her back on discord. And I think a red flag on its own was that my first thought was "It's not even different at all, she still acts the way she acts.." hut still pursued in our friendship from February to March. And as much as jazz was saying she's trying to change or change she literally still acted no different. All it took for her to act in her old ways was for something, genuinely the smallest thing to go wrong and she'd just be... who she is. I there was a point where she tried telling me over text how she was gonna od and me being sick of her shit basically was just like "can u just fucking chill out"

Then after that basically tried guiltripping me into accepting her apology :D!!/srs

I did manage to talk her down by saying smth like "if you don't fucking calm down I'm just gonna call you, knock it off" and that was what did it. Also my reasoning for not accepting her apology was 1, I do not fucking accept her mediocre apologies for ruining my life :D. 2, jazz isn't a person to apologize on her own unless she's super emotional or worked up, otherwise she NEVER would apologize to me. The biggest example being when she called me a bitch and refused to apologize for it until she worked me up to the point of wanting to kms. /srs

Jazz never once respected my boundaries of "hey I don't feel safe with adults especially you right now so sorry if I act more cold but I need time to myself" cause whenever I'd bring it up she'd just immediately try and end herself or make me feel bad and put down my boundaries.

I'll leave the day she left me in the next part cause it's extremely personal to me and I'm going to need to work up to it

I'm sorry how many screenshots are missing and you'll have to take my word for it, I'm sorry/g

#jazzthesapphicqueen #gr**ming tw #s*icide tw #jazz herself is just a tw tbh/j/lh #okay to reblog