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greensaplinggrace · 9 months

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darling for the ask game obv let's get the important one out of the way

😭 idk if this was meant to say darkling but I'm doing him anyway

how I feel about this character: I love him. he's an interesting character that usually gets misinterpreted by the majority of fandom. I like that he has so much potential as a concept, but it makes me sad that that potential is rarely actually realized canonically. all in all, he's a character I really relate to for many reasons: his isolation and loneliness, his depersonalization and dehumanization, his high levels of empathy, his relationship with oppression and repression, and his drive to help others at the cost of his future and his sanity. I also really love his complex relationship with rage and apathy at the injustices of the world, which gives fascinating insight into his existence as an immortal and as a naturally idealistic person who lost faith in others

all the people I ship romantically with this character: mostly alina and mal! I also like him and nikolai together sometimes, and I can see the appeal of luda. plus of course any poly combination of any of these.

my non-romantic OTP for this character: aleksander & ivan is a hilarious friendship tbh. also I'm so in love with the ways genya parallels him and is so similar to him that I adore seeing them together on screen or in fics or basically anywhere, even if just for the horribly tragic tension that really brings out the depth of both their characters.

my unpopular opinion about this character: I have a lot lol. he was right about most things, but I don't think alina was wrong to leave him. I think he's a good character in the book, less so in the show, but in both he suffers from such bad writing that he ends up acting ooc half the time anyway. he's clearly empathetic and caring, and he is obviously able to feel love - but this has no bearing on his morality or any justification for his actions whatsoever. tbh I have so many unpopular opinions of him that it doesn't bear repeating them all lol.

one thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: that he died better in the show (and that he was written better overall with actual real depth). that he was never resurrected in the books (or at least that his second ending wasn't what it was)

my OTP: malarklina! 💖💕

my cross over ship: none

a headcanon fact: he's still afraid of the dark to this day. he's always cold and alina's always hot. he's very good with kids. he speaks so softly because his mother is abusive garbage and his experiences with men all suck. he's demisexual and biromantic and agender. he dissociates regularly due to both trauma and regular dehumanization, and this affects the way he views his personhood as well as his gender. he always knows the time of day because he can feel the shadows around him. he operates at some level on inhuman instincts tied to the nature of shadows & light.

give me a character (x)

#shadow and bone #sab #grishaverse #aleksander morozova #the darkling #myramblings #asks and answers #ask games #eyo!! ty for the ask! <3 <3

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h-worksrambles · 1 year

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I feel like it’s my hot take that I really want Cassius and Alexios to come back in a future Adastra story.

Yes, I know. Alex is a back stabbing, lying little shit, 90% of the things that go wrong in the visual novel are his fault and the majority of fans’ instinct at me even showing this image of his face will be to instinctively reach for something to throw at it. But dammit, he’s genuinely really interesting to me. He voices a lot of the same criticisms about how screwed up wolven culture is that Marco has. A big thing they bond over is that they both have the same perspective on their society as outsiders. The Omorfans aren’t entirely wrong to see the wolves as dangerous, bigoted warmongerers. Neferu makes a lot of the same points. But I think that’s another factor in why Alex’s betrayal hits so hard for players. It’s not just that he’s nice and he presents himself like Marco’s first friend and violates his trust. It’s that you thought he had a moral backbone, that he shared your viewpoint, and yet he was able to use all those points you agreed with him on as justification to do something awful, to sabotage Adastran government and send the whole city spiralling into chaos.

But here’s the thing, and this is definitely not a defence, but it’s why I find him so interesting. Alexios is willing to sabotage a nation in a way that results in horrific riots, which is of course, disgusting. But he’s able to mentally excuse himself by saying ‘hey they’re not MY people. I’m just doing my job for my country and planet. It’s not MY problem’. Alexios is doing what’s expected of him by his country. I’m not saying that excuses him. The fact that he doesn’t grow a trace of conscience about this is deplorable. But I can see the thought process at play. The Omorfans think they’re doing the Galaxias a favour by keeping the wolves at bay, even though actually they’re just responding to one form of bigotry with another. Alex going along with his orders without complaint is horrible but at the end of the day, he’s a spy. That’s his job.

What complicates this is Cassius. I do believe Alexios’ feelings for Cass are genuine. Do I think he started out with the intention to manipulate his position at Cass’ side to help him spread chaos on Adastra? Yes. Do I think somewhere along the way, he became the mask and started to care for Cassius genuinely, but still pressed on with his mission anyway? Also yes. I know it’s easy to see this as ‘poor baby Cass being used by evil Alex’ but not only is that kind of a simplification of Cass’ character (which I could also write more about but some other time), it makes Alex more one dimensional if there’s nothing genuine there.

The payoff for this is when Alex tips off Cato to Marco and Virginia’s plan and so Cato poisons Cassius. Cassius nearly dying forces Alex to experience the pain his actions have inflicted on others. Because now all his lying, manipulating and playing both sides has gotten someone he cares about hurt. Now for the first time, Alexios feels even a fraction of the pain his actions have inflicted on other people. The shoe’s on the other foot for the first time. He can’t pretend this doesn’t affect him anymore.

Look at this face. This doesn’t say: ‘I’m just using this man’ to me. This says: ‘I’m in too deep. The one person I care about here has gotten hurt and it’s my fault.’

Of course, the question a lot of folks ask is, why does Cassius still love Alexios knowing what’s he’s done?. Well the justification Cass gives is that Alex was just doing what he was ordered to do. He had no choice. Now I’ve already given my opinion there. Alex very clearly had no moral scruples about following this orders. This is not something he was forced to do. But why does Cassius think that? Well, because that’s how Cassius feels about himself.

Keep in mind Cassius has gone from a bid for power that he believed would allow him to enact major change on Adastra. Only to realise that he got taken in by the words of a fascist (who he trusted as a long time family friend, mind you) ended up being little more than a mouthpiece for the guy, had his his self image utterly shaken and is almost killed for his trouble. Cassius insists that Alex is a good person following orders because he desperately wants to believe that. Because he sees himself in Alex that way. He’s realised that he was little more than Cato’s puppet for so long and wants to believe Alexios is the same. He wants to believe he’s found a kindred spirit who understands what he’s been through. But has he? I want see that explored.

Assuming that they’re going back to Omorfa as they planned, that can go so many different ways. Can Alex maintain that level of cold indifference while serving his country in the future now that he’s gotten attached? Even if his feelings for Cass are genuine, how far would Alex go for him? If Alex had to choose between his duty to Omorfa or his love for Cassius, which would he pick?

I don’t even necessarily want an Alexios redemption arc. I think that’d be going a little too far. But I certainly hope that Howly will give us a deeper examination of the Cassius/Alexios relationship because it’s honestly fascinating. I think seeing despicable characters navigating concepts like love in a way that doesn’t absolve them of wrong doing can be so interesting when it’s written well. And this dynamic gives me that in spades.

I guess you could say Alexios is my poor little meow meow (no pun intended). He’s an awful person who does despicable things but that’s what makes him so fascinating. I don’t know if there are plans to bring him back in Khemia specifically, but he is still around for Interea, and I hope that dichotomy of his selfishness, his duty and his love for Cass are explored further at some point.

#yes that video essay got me thinking about adastra again #so here have a hot take #alexios adastra #cassius adastra #adastra vn #adastra spoilers #echo project

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erabundus · 7 months

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@drolliic &&. said... "i think i’m gonna be sick." and no sooner does Aether utter those words that he instinctively makes a beeline for the nearest tree and, resting a hand on its trunk for stability, empties his stomach of the few bites he's had that morning. His other hand comes up to wipe at his mouth, an upset noise rumbling in the back of his throat. Hmm. It's not the first time he's woken up feeling sick to the stomach as a result of his prolonged separation from Lumine, but it's been a while since he's actually thrown up due to it. "Well... It's a good thing I didn't eat much for breakfast, heh. Would have been much worse." not that the paleness currently clinging to his skin is any less worrying, he's more than sure. "I just need... a moment to rest then I'll be fine." he has to be fine.

the declaration comes so suddenly that ren doesn't have a chance to register the words — much less REACT in any meaningful capacity. the wanderer merely offers a wordless blink, followed by eyes widening as realization ( finally ) washes over him. yet while he stands there, something feels distinctly off-putting about his reaction. his body language. his expression. the steady rise and fall of his chest goes still; his face looks pale. as seconds drag, it only becomes increasingly apparent something is horribly wrong. it's natural to express CONCERN under such circumstances, even for one so determined to keep up an aloof outer shell — yet ren does not appear to be worried so much as he does absolutely TERRIFIED.

it's not the first time he's ever had to deal with ILLNESS. regardless of how casually aether tries to play it off, his mind has gone to a different place entirely — and it isn't a very pleasant one.

abruptly, a sharp hiss of a sigh escapes tightly clenched teeth. he tips his head down, immediately clinging to that familiar REFLEX to hide his face in times of emotional turmoil. the barrier helps ground him to some degree — if only for the way it conveniently obscures the source of his dismay from view. he tries to count the individual blades of grass beneath him in the hopes it will help get his head sorted, but the dead are still roaring in his ears and he swears he can taste smoke in the back of his throat. ❝ you're not going anywhere. ❞ he tries to sound stern, but the slight WAVER in the wanderer's voice seems determined to sabotage him. he pretends to clear his throat, if only to scrape together a few precious seconds to regain his composure. ❝ whatever you need to do, it can wait until you aren't in such a pathetic state ... not like you'd be much GOOD to anyone like this to begin with. ❞ the last part is spoken quietly beneath faux-breath; a justification — perhaps to himself, for why such a dramatic response is necessary.

at the very least, it gives him the CONFIDENCE to raise his head. ❝ if it's really that urgent, i'll ... ❞ leave and handle it himself? jaw snaps shut so abruptly the wanderer's pointed teeth audibly click. he feels a bit too PARANOID for that — a part of him screaming if he turns his back for even a moment, the other might not live long enough to see his return. on some level, ren recognizes he's being absurd. this is the same person fearless enough to clash against the gods themselves, after all. he isn't human and he certainly isn't fragile. even so, fear is not an emotion constrained by anything resembling rationality; it simply ravages the mind, starting with one's common sense. ❝ ... i'll figure something out. ❞ he hears himself say. ( voice faint, as if the words are spoken at a distance. ) it doesn't sound nearly as CONVINCING as he would like it to be.

#drolliic #emetophobia tw #( aether: sick )#( ren: SCREAMING INTERNALLY )

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scientia-rex · 2 years

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I feel like I haven't been writing enough lately, not in the sense of needing to write a story--although God knows I haven't been doing that either--but in the sense of writing like I used to, in journals, to try to untangle my mind. There are dangers in writing down what's been happening and trying to make sense of it. It's easy to find myself steering by whatever is easily verbalizable, and to be drawn to the anxiety provoking and depressive.

But when there are a lot of things happening at once, and particularly when a lot of people who aren't me have strong opinions about me and what I'm doing and what's happening to me, that don't jive with what my own opinions about the situation are, sometimes it's nice to have the chance to try to unspool it. Am I a bad person? God, what a boring question! But I keep asking it and I keep trying to answer it, without success. As if I'd be capable of truly believing that I'm a bad person, no matter what I'd done. No one is. To exist is to be the end product of millions of years of evolution without the need for self-justification. Our philosophical attempts to determine whether our existence is worth it are just the thinnest possible layer of paint over a giant boulder of very, very old instincts to survive.

The tension of depression is, if you ask me, often the tension between the idea that maybe I am a bad person, against the deeper fundamental knowledge that I am not. And that knowledge isn't real knowledge--it's not coming from some real place--but it doesn't have to be. It is simply a thing our brains take for granted, like down is down and up is up, and you can fall down but you can't fall up. If I'm a bad person, shouldn't I kill myself? But no matter how deep the self-hatred runs, no matter how painful it is, it is also coming up against that ancient instinct for self-preservation, absolutely screeching in your mind like a railroad spike dragging over rock, and you cannot settle it. You can never settle it in favor of self-hatred. Suicide ends up being this response that depends on catastrophic moments; real suicidality can't last. The intensity of the urge ebbs away if the attempt is prevented by even a few minutes.

I have no idea how many patients I've seen after suicide attempts; it's too many to count, by now. But that's how it is. It's a moment that passes. Even if the self-hatred remains, because whatever led to the attempt isn't magically fixed, it's back to the ceaseless tension rather than unbearable certainty. And suicide is an attempt, very often, to fix that tension. People who look from the outside at someone who's so depressed they're catatonic think it must be a calm state, but it isn't. It's a hell of conflicting impulses. The impulse to love yourself against the impulse to hate yourself. The feeling that if you moved, you'd do something so horrible that you must not move.

I've been thinking a lot lately, so this is what I did everything for? I spent seven years in various circles of Hell so that I could be a doctor. Training to be a doctor was awful. It's bad for almost everyone, and it was horrendous for me, with my history of anxiety. Over and over again I thought about suicide. And over and over again I didn't go for it. I always had reasons. Sometimes they were very, very small. A new book. A cat to play with. Sometimes they were huge. I wanted to move home to a different kind of hell and take care of the queer and trans youth there in a way no one else would or had before. So I didn't kill myself, and I kept going, and I finally graduated residency. I thought, okay, maybe there's still lots of stress, but as I'm in practice longer, that will get better. Right?

And it's been 15 months now. And I'm depressed, and I'm tired, and I'm thinking, this? This is what I was holding out for?

But it isn't, really. I'm doing some of the things I meant to, but I'm also changing clinics because I feel like the one I'm at took all of the energy and time and love and, yes, money I threw at it--I made menstruation stations for the bathrooms at work, I put up little shelves and stocked them and re-stocked them over and over again with tampons and pads and Poopourri--and still tried to fuck me over four times in quick succession. And then asked me why I was so angry, and blamed me for my anger. Zero self-recognition or reflection.

And with changing clinics comes all of this guilt, all of this weight. And fear: what if it doesn't work out?

But I still have something to hold out longer for. I have this step next, and then when my commitment for partial loan repayment is up (it will still leave me with 220,000 dollars in educational debt, and that is with me having completely paid for undergrad between my scholarships and my parents and me working) I have another step. At that point I can drop to part time. And then I have another life to look forward to. More sleep. More hobbies. More writing.

Life is going to get better. For me; not necessarily for everyone. We need to make it so life gets better for everyone, but at least for now, for me, I can look at a time ahead where I won't want to die so much and so often.

I have very few good things to think about right now. Any direction my mind wanders down, there's guilt and fear. But there is going to come a day when I am living something much closer to the life I want to live.

#the attending dr. kristophine #tw suicide #cw depression

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purewhitewolf · 1 year

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Crackship: Lunette and Kadri

Ooh now we're talking!

For this one, I'll say this relationship is mainly hate sex and the need to one-up the other (Like Kaitlyn x Raoul but worse as unlike the previously mentioned ship that has the two sort of have a hidden love and care for the other, this one is just pure hate). Kadri no longer seeing Lavinia as a sister, and both 'goddesses' now at war,... the rage just makes them both pent up in a way that requires immediate release. So whenever they come face-to-face, the intense violent scuffle quickly shifts into violent sexual domination attempts. If they can't hurt/kill each other with their magic, they'll do whatever to humiliate the other. Those who try to protect balance try to keep the two apart to prevent both the destruction of reality from their duels... and prevent Kadri from unintentionally making OP offspring, which also threatens balance.

For a 'before powers manifested' hypothetical, a very twisted scenario that comes to mind. In this scenario, Lavinia learns of Kadri's interest in Jacqueline and decides to offer 'help'. She bosses Kadri around like a slave in very humiliating tasks and encourages/corrupts her already hormonal thoughts. Kadri would listen to and give into the subtle Shadow Queen instinct quicker than she did and would've gone through with her 'claiming' Jacqueline when the opportunity arrived. Regardless of the outcome with Jacqueline(likely horrible), Kadri would then follow her instinct to put Lavinia in her place, as by this point, Kadri has fully succumbed to the darker side of her nature and is a lustful controlling monster. And 'since there's no blood relation, what's the harm?' would be her justification.

For a bonus here, I'll explain another variant of the Kaitlyn x Lunette crackship that's been on my mind lately. In another timeline, an unhinged but good moral Kaitlyn decided to simp over an equally unhinged but typically evil Lunette. She found the maniac's craziness and appearance hot and charming for whatever reason. This Kaitlyn may be a masochistic simp, but she's not stupid either. This Kaitlyn refuses to cause harm to the innocent and is able to prevent Lunette from doing any mischief by overpowering her via magic-restraint hug and paralyzing magic kisses. Lunette, who is used to controlling others, is now under an even more controlling clingy monster. Kaitlyn showers her in much attention and affection... and will never let her go.

No matter the version... it's a very scary relationship.

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dangermousie · 3 years

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CFC Chapter 54

“A crashing car?” Ahahahaha I see you, Meatbun. But it was indeed an utter pileup!

I know I commented on this passage in its various iterations eight billion times already but I still have more to say. And it’s that XQC taking so long to realize that even though HY is young, his emotions and feelings are as genuine and strong as those of anyone older is so realistic - people do tend to think that especially with regard to children - think of a reaction of an adult to a three year old crying over ice cream they dropped. It’s all amused even if not meanly so. Because to an adult with vastly more experience, this is not a big deal. But what that forgets is that whether it’s ridiculous to someone else or not, to the person at issue that is a real feeling, AND that of course a person can only feel through the lens of their experience - what else is there? Emotions aren’t any less valid because they are informed by lesser or different experience.

Honestly, to me so far this is one of the driving messages of the novel - everyone is in their own world of issues and pain and none of these characters can truly look through the lens of another person and it would be so much better if they did. To XQC, for so long, He Yu’s strong feelings (and we know so many of these feelings are awful - despair, and self-loathing, and loneliness) never quite felt real and therefore never quite felt fully valid. And by the time it wasn’t the case, it was too late.

But the same is true for He Yu - he is so concentrated on his own grievances and his own pain, he cannot perceive others’ different issues. In He Yu’s mind, he’s the winner and always champion of Misery Olympics and while he’s had a horrible time of it, that doesn’t mean other people didn’t either just in different ways. Whether because of his condition, his issues or just his age, HY is not empathetic in the least.

And think about it - XQC does not have a horrible illness. He does not have unfeeling parents. But he had to watch his beloved parents brutally murdered in front of his eyes at 13 (!!!!) and then had to raise a 5 year old by himself. Is it worse or better than HY’s trauma? That’s a matter of opinion but what there is no question about is that is a different type of trauma and a different type of scar. Or think about the patient in the asylum whose name I am too lazy to look up - her life is such a theater of horrors that to me, it makes the combined issues of HY and XQC seem small, though once again that’s subjective. Nobody wins when people start this sort of competition.

My heart breaks for XQC but also - I am sorry - if/when HY x XQC hook up again (how? I have no idea! But that is one of the joys of Meatbun - I both have no idea how/where it’s going and utterly trust her), please have He Yu read up and learn things because Good God. You should not be in major pain the morning after unless you are into pain and XQC clearly is not!

The other thing is the bit about XQC forcing himself to walk in his usual ramrod-straight manner is the moment I went utterly gone for him. I mean, I liked him and found him interesting before. But this is the thing that flipped that invisible switch for me and I went rabid and irrational and now I am Team XQC and I don’t care what he wants and does from now on, he should have it. It’s so small but so real. My mother and her mother were both big on straight posture. And one of the reasons they gave was when you walk with good posture - you look confident but also it makes you feel confident and stronger. And I’ve actually found it to be true - when you throw your shoulders back and straighten your neck and hold your head up, it does not just give others a signal, it gives a signal to your own brain. So to see XQC insist on doing it, despite being emotionally and physically shattered - because of his pride refusing to give up, because he’s so unbending, but also this being some sort of instinctive armor, just hits straight through the heart.

OK, I laughed at HY as a fucking machine. But also, this is another point in the whole “everyone has issues” narrative and HY’s life could be worse. HY, with all his other issues, can pay an insane amount, an amount that XQC could not pay in a million years, so easily. It’s not even a blip to him. Hell, the fact that he forgot to pay speaks to that - I can see forgetting to pay a friend a couple of bucks back right away because it’s not much money. HY forgets because it does not loom in his mind. And this rich lifestyle is instinctive, is ingrained in him. I think he’d find it hard to be poor.

THAT is what he’s thinking about? Priorities are...

The sole good thing that came out of this insanity is that XQC is getting in touch with his emotions, even if those emotions are (rightly) rage. He’s too closed off from them normally.

The fact that you slept with a man should be secondary to the fact that you drugged and raped him, but here we are...

To me, this sums up He Yu as a moral wasteland. To still, when sober and past his fit and not under influence of wine, to still feel excitement over his revenge and to somehow twist it that it’s XQC’s fault for being raped by He Yu is !!!!!!!!!

(I suppose if I were charitable, I’d assume that the disquiet is small stirrings of almost dead conscience and his “he deserved it” is an attempt to justify the unjustifiable to himself, but I honestly don’t want to think so because I am so angry at him. Not until I see some more evidence. I don’t feel like being indulgent with He Yu since he’s indulgent with himself enough for two.)

1. The fact that you can tell from the picture XQC got taken by a man (I am gonna defer to Meatbun’s expertise here) definitely points to the fact that the pictures are going to be used for something bad later - because if it’s just oh XQC had sex, so what, he’s single what’s the big deal. But like this it becomes a different matter. No idea if it will be used for HY or XQC or both, and by whom (money is on Duan and co, but after the way HY went off, I would never say HY himself won’t use it badly somehow) but knowing Meatbun, it will go for maximum damage.

2. Ruthless? Perhaps. Unfeeling? Hmmmm. I am not He Yu’s biggest fan atm but that’s a wonderfully misleading adjective here. He does still seem to be in shock. And fixating.

3. The whole “hahahaha XQC is a hypocrite when he was all ‘I am not interested in sex’“ is - I am not sure if HY is just short-circuiting (fine) or using a rapist justification/rolling in a sea of toxic toxicity (not fine) because I am sorry, that’s totally like “he/she had a reaction, can’t be rape” writ large. Yeah, sure he had a reaction - you poured drugs down his throat. That has nothing to do with his default preferences or his actual state. THE FUCK?!

Anyway, we end on the whole “u mad bro?” bit and you know what strikes me? HY was all “I am done, we are done, my revenge is complete I don’t care” but here he is, still desperately seeking and craving reaction and interaction from XQC.

I remain utterly puzzled as to how these two will ever be a couple except for a couple being defined as “two mutually homicidal people.” Leaving aside everything else, I am willing to accept HY is in the closet - clearly whatever his orientation is, it includes men. But I do not get that sense from XQC at all. When he’s not drugged, he’s barely interested in sex with anyone and I do not get the sense he’s in the closet either. Chances of anyone, let alone He Yu, who is both a man and someone who raped him to humiliate him, being able to entice him into sexual encounters voluntarily is about the chance of me going to visit Mars. Meatbun loves doing insane things so I can’t wait.

PS I know people use the term psychopath all the time casually but ummm, I think He Yu may actually be one? When he has his father (!!!) on speakerphone, calmly carrying a conversation with the man as he’s raping his father’s friend in the club as he talks (!!!!!) that is...in RL I’d be “team lock him up for life, there is something so basic broken in him that it can’t be fixed.” Like - the hell? The ability to put things on different shelves so much is not in the same country as sane (it makes me think of 2ha and TXJ banging CWN being the curtain while performing court business but TXJ was bona fide clinically insane and also this is worse because this is his actual freaking father omg.) Of course, only time will tell whether it’s evidence of him being irreparably incapable of normalcy in terms of living in the world/interacting with others or it was an extreme psychotic (in casual parlance not medical one) break because most people are capable of truly horrific stuff if certain levers are pushed and his default is saner. It’s the question, isn’t it? Whether He Yu’s factory default setting is the monster of the previous chapters or the kid who’d cut his wrists so as not to hurt others.

Anyway, this novel is a terrifying roller coaster ride and I love having strong emotions.

#cnovel #meatbun doesn't eat meat #case file compendium

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averykedavra · 4 years

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Okay, today we’re talking about that scene in LNTAO. You know. That scene.

Yeah.

The thing about Logan (which I’ve noticed during a super-secret project I’m working on that involved reading all the scripts for TSS) is that he apologizes easily—for small stuff. He probably apologizes more than most characters, and it’s pretty instinctive. He hits Patton accidentally? He apologizes.

LOGAN: I am so sorry. I popped up too close there.

His phone interrupts a question? He apologizes.

LOGAN: I'm sorry, that is my text tone.

He doesn't need Virgil right now but Virgil showed up anyway? He apologizes.

LOGAN: Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, no.

This makes sense. Apologizing is logical. When you've made a small mistake or hurt someone, apologize. So far, Logan's acting in accordance with his logic and being even a little more empathetic than necessary.

Things get more interesting, however, when we cross the line from small nuisances to larger mistakes. It's hard to define the difference but in this case, it's usually when Logan has made a severe error in judgment that has consequences beyond himself. Especially when Thomas is directly or indirectly affected--Thomas is Logan's center and Logan cares deeply about helping and supporting Thomas. So when Logan messes up and accidentally jeopardizes Thomas or leads him astray, he treats this as a serious mistake.

What kind of mistake am I talking about? This kind:

He always apologizes for these, too. It's just not the same way he apologized for the smaller stuff. Instead of a simple 'sorry,' he barely ever uses that word at all. Instead, he says it in a usually circituous way that implies he may have made a mistake. And he focuses on what he can do to fix it and what the next steps may be.

In Mind vs. Heart, his constant arguing with Patton leaves Thomas indecisive and feeling pressured over every little decision. Although Patton immediately starts gushing apologies when he finds out, Logan is more composed.

LOGAN: What can we do to fix this?

In Losing My Motivation, he tries to find the root of Thomas' procrastination and ends up being said root. When he realizes, he almost panics, and Thomas has to calm him down before he spirals. He doesn't fully apologize until the next video, the Q & A.

LOGAN: Maybe we can help you with something in order to make up for mistakes one might have made prior?

In Growing Up, he and Roman talk over Patton and try to convince Thomas to live an entirely different life for the sake of "growing up." It's Logan who realizes something is wrong, and it's Logan who goes to ask someone about it.

LOGAN: I don't think...we have this quite right. Morality? What are we doing wrong?

And this is despite his admission later this same episode:

LOGAN: I do not like being wrong.

In Learning New Things About Ourselves, Logan champions that Thomas needs to change his life around and get a "real" job because nobody takes him seriously. It's maybe his biggest mistake so far in the series. It angers Roman, alienates Virgil, and contributes to Thomas' harmful mindset about his own value as a content creator. When Logan finally realizes that a more silly and joking medium doesn't mean the ideas aren't important and meaningful, he actually apologizes to Roman. In his own roundabout way.

LOGAN: All right, maybe there's some knowledge out there that I wasn't privy to before. Not that I was wrong! But...I should be open to more sources...I-I don't suppose there's anything that I could do to make it up to you?

In Moving On, Logan suggests they go to Patton's room without realizing that as Thomas is a chronic worrier, nostalgia could have adverse effects on his mental health and his anxiety.

LOGAN: Ugh, such a foolish oversight on my part.

(Logan uses the word 'foolish' a lot when insulting himself or someone else. He uses it to describe Thomas' new hair that makes him feel silly, them turning into puppets, and here, himself. He also uses the term 'ridiculous' multiple times, as well as 'silly,' 'preposterous,' and 'stupid.' Stupid especially is something he apparently hates to be called. But we'll get back to that.)

In Moving On Pt. 2, after Logan leaves in frustration when no one heeds his warnings, he says this line when the other Sides apologize for not listening:

LOGAN: All that matters is how we proceed.

And that basically sums it up. Despite his self-proclaimed "fondness for being told that [he's] right," Logan always owns up to his mistakes and looks to better himself. (Eventually. And it does sometimes require him being called out on it, or he might not realize it is a mistake.)

One of my personal beliefs is that Logan's love language is "acts of service." He struggles with verbal affirmations, as shown in Alone on Valentine's Day when he attempts to say a verbal "I love you." Instead, he expresses care by helping others with their issues and adding knowledge to their discussions. Logan's way of showing appreciation is to be helpful. (Which adds another layer to his frustration when he's ignored--it's literally the people he loves not understanding or outright rejecting his way of showing connection and compassion.)

But yeah. What we've seen is that Logan struggles with verbal apologies for more serious grievances, especially when it includes him admitting he's wrong. But he still attempts them and always says "How do I fix this?" He works to right his wrongs and make things better. As I said above, so much of Logan's drive is to be helpful and to support Thomas. If he fails at this, he tries harder the next time. Sometimes this works, sometimes this doesn't, but being helpful is his end goal and what he defaults to when he feels he's made a mistake.

With all this in mind, let's return to that scene in Learning New Things About Ourselves.

Logan has just made probably his biggest mistake toward another Side. Him and Roman argue a lot, and sometimes Logan strikes at vulnerabilities intentionally or unintentionally, but he has never outright tried to hurt Roman. Until now. Roman calls his love of clarity in communication "stupid." And Logan crumples up his flashcard and throws it at Roman's face.

That itself is an expression of anger that's pretty uncharacteristic for Logan. He usually fights with words, not actual violence. Everyone's shocked. And none more so than Logan himself.

He's made a mistake. He hasn't directly harmed Thomas, but he's hurt one of his friends, and there's no justification for the way he lashed out. And he apologizes easily. But this apology is different from all his others. Let's break it down.

LOGAN: I'm sorry, I don't know what that was. Maybe I should go.

The first part. 'I'm sorry.' A simple, quick apology.

Except we've seen that he struggles with this. He never directly apologizes for anything major in the series, especially not right away. This is something instinctive. It's the same instinct as when he says 'sorry' for popping up too close and hitting Patton in the nose. He's seen a friend get hurt, so he apologizes. It's interesting that he has this same instinct with Patton and Roman, despite the fact that Roman just insulted him and they have a famously strained relationship. He sees he's hurt Roman physically and he apologizes.

(It's also notable that if Logan saw such outward signs of hurt emotionally, he might go a little easier on Roman, but Roman has always been good at hiding his emotions. Logan can't pick up as easily on the subtle things. He needs outward pain, and Roman is practiced in not showing that.)

The second part. 'I don't know what that was.'

This is even more worrying. Logan is admitting he doesn't know something. Logan is saying he doesn't understand why he did something, when he's usually a very rational person. He just acted on emotion. He lashed out in anger. And he doesn't understand that. So he can't even admit his mistake fully, because he doesn't know why it happened--he can't pin it on a lack of information, or an oversight, or not listening to every source. There's no logical way to explain what happened, at least to him. Because he denies that he has emotions and is influenced by them.

Therefore, he's already floundering in this apology. How is he supposed to apologize when he doesn't understand why he did what he did, and how is he supposed to correct a mistake when he doesn't understand why it happened?

This brings us to part three. 'Maybe I should go.'

Take a good look at that. Logan, Logic Sanders, whose whole existence revolves around helping Thomas, is offering to leave an important discussion.

He's committed an error. He's apologized. This is usually when he offers to make things better, to say he won't do this again and that he's learned from his mistakes and asks what he can do to make it up to them. Here, he's found a solution like that: he offers to leave. He says "I have made a mistake, I don't understand what happened, and I'm going to leave so I don't repeat that mistake."

In a horrible way, it's almost logical. If he doesn't understand why he did something, the easiest way to prevent such a thing from reoccurring is to change the situation and prevent himself from physically doing it again. But this is also extremely harmful. Logan has essentially given up on helping Thomas because he hurt his friend and doesn't know how to keep himself from doing it again.

He doesn't know, and that terrifies him.

So he immediately offers to leave. As if that's the most helpful thing he can do to make up for his actions: spare everyone his company. Stop contributing to the discussion, stop helping the person he cares about most, stop expressing his affection and love through helpful facts and encouraging discussions.

This isn't the first or last time that he leaves a discussion. He's done so in anger in both Moving On and Putting Others First, both times motivated by frustration at not being listened to or cared about. But it can be clearly seen that this comes from an entirely different motivation. He's hesitant and afraid of himself and what just happened. Patton yells "No!" right after Logan suggests this, and Logan visibly flinches. And when Patton continues, Logan still looks surprised, as if Patton isn't making any sense.

And after this, Logan is still a little hesitant. He pauses before clarifying "Like Maria?" and after talking about how the Snuffleupagusses (pardon the spelling if it’s incorrect) aren't imaginary, mutters to himself "Clarity" as if he's trying to convince himself of something. That's the same 'clarity' that Roman called him stupid for before. It's as if Logan's asserting his own belief that clarity is important after Roman made him doubt that.

Logan ruffles his hair, takes a deep breath, and that's the end of the scene. But the vulnerability in that moment, right after he hurt someone close to him, is still a rare moment of a Logan who has completely let his guard down. He's almost helpless, because he has no idea what to do. So he defaults to trying to help, and in this moment of uncertainty, he can only picture himself "helping" by leaving.

LOGAN: I'm sorry, I don't know what that was. Maybe I should go.

It's perhaps Logan's most sincere apology to date. However, the baggage it comes with and the situation itself make it less than a perfect moment. Instead, it reveals how unequipped Logan feels to handle his own emotional outbursts, how much he values helping others, and how he's beginning to start feeling like when he messes up, the best thing for everyone is to stay out of the way.

#sanders sides #logan sanders #sanders sides theory #logan sanders angst #logan sanders theory #averywrites #i'm kinda proud of this so rbs are appreciated!!#and feel free to add stuff!!#tw caps

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nissakii · 3 years

Text

Anime Quote Time pt.04

“I wonder if the first person to say ‘the opposite of fondness is indifference’ went to hell like they should have.” - Junpei Yoshino

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

This is a sentence we often hear from others when we grow up, as we still learn how our actions in life have consequences. Apart from the fact that “being nice” can be part of our morale as a child, we learn for ourselves through our lives what we wish to do.

As much as a human is free to do what they want, we live in a society where norms exist. There are things that are universally seen as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ which of course still might be different according to where you grew up and what you were taught.

In the end, what might be normal and acceptable for one person could be a horrible act for the other.

We have found some things that are approved by society, such as being nice and helping others as well as acts that are prohibited, like hurting and killing.

Now, if we would dive deeper into what morale is and what can ethically be acceptable, we would have a long journey ahead of us, but let us look together at a very interesting instance in which morale is displayed in Jujutsu Kaisen.

Junpei Yoshino is quickly introduced into the series as a young man in high school who is a victim of severe bullying from his peers.

Ibou Shouta, the hot-shot rich student whose popularity is through the roof, is the main culprit amongst others, which we can see out of Junpei’s perspective.

Junpei loves movies, and despite his school experience being extremely jarring, he tries to stand up for himself as he is ground to the dirt. We can see how he takes initiative in building his own movie enthusiasts club and tries to stay in the clubroom despite his bullies’ claim of stealing the room.

Still, in the end Junpei stays on the ground while he is being chastised as his frustration and malice inside him grows and grows.

Next to his scared and tormented side, we also catch a glimpse of Junpei in an environment that is supportive of him.

He has a wonderful and funny mother and even meets Itadori, who not only accepts him for who he is but also spends time with him. Junpei now laughs and smiles, has interesting views on the world and engages with his surroundings like any other happy person would.

From a watcher’s perspective though, we know that despite the good moments, Mahito is playing with the strings in the background. Throughout Junpei’s conversations with Mahito, we find out a lot about what the both of them seemingly think about the world.

Indifference is the virtue Junpei describes as truly what humans should strive for, but where does this sentiment come from? Clearly, we see that Junpei is a nice person with good intentions, he even thinks about how he cannot hurt anyone without tainting his own soul and also thinks of his mother in the process.

It is the excessive bullying and abuse he endures that makes him indifferent to his own struggles, swallowing his pain down and pushing through from day to day.

“The opposite of fondness is hate”, he says, while explaining that one cannot simply use indifference as an antonym for such a strong emotion like love.

When looking at the three terms ‘fondness’, ‘indifference’ and ‘hate’, indifference is the central middleground between the three. This is also what Junpei so strongly explains.

He continues with: “[...]went to hell like they should have”.

Junpei himself is indifferent to the people who hurt him, and even though most of his dark thoughts stay exactly that- thoughts, we can identify his tendency to think of people that hurt him the same way. His bullies, later on Shouta who supposedly cursed his mother and even Itadori.

Junpei distances himself from the view that fondness is the other side of the spectrum of indifference, because he tries to ignore the people that hurt him. It is when that indifference turns into hatred and malice especially channelled towards Shouta, that the tide shifts.

With Mahito as an enabler to Junpei’s dreary thoughts, making him believe that whatever he wants he should just take, be it lives or revenge, the highschool student quickly uses his sharp idealistic thinking to justify his actions.

With a morality that is based on ‘I’m allowed to hurt others if they deserve it’ and the fresh grief of losing his dear mother he goes on to flip the switch that has stopped him from acting out too much.

Junpei took a lot of thought into what his actions would do to him, as his mother was alive he contemplated on how what he would do to others might taint his soul, but Mahito’s grip on him was already strong.

The support and backing he got from Mahito was the first step in having Junpei believe that there was someone in his corner. Someone who understood him both intellectually and ethically. Mahito played on the pain Junpei went through and channeled it into a weapon that would grow from malice and the virtue that was so highly praised by Junpei.

Indifference.

With Mahito’s “people don’t have hearts”, Junpei found the last puzzle piece to his idealistic thinking. Seeing as he views most things in either a good or a bad light without looking much more into it, he found the justification that he needed with the chaotic cursed spirit that is Mahito.

He even furthers his constraint on the boy as he promises to sanction him, giving him the last push to permit Junpei’s actions after he played with him and his family. That is all that Junpei needs as he charges into a stage of anger and numbness when he attacks Itou Shouta.

In his mind, Shouta is one of the bad people who now deserve punishment.

It’s such a jarring difference from the happy and smiling Junpei we can see for a short moment before he gets stuck in a sort of despair that is unsettling to watch. In the end, the tragic tale could have been avoided if Mahito hadn’t elected Junpei as his new plaything, but it is still a thing to think about: is Junpei not at all to blame for his actions?

Yes, Mahito has had his fingers in this plan from the start. If he hadn’t, Junpei’s mother might still be alive and Itadori wouldn’t have to exist with the memory of losing a dear friend in such a horrendous way.

What does Junpei’s story tell us?

The interesting part here is that Junpei contradicts his own views and his quote “the opposite of fondness is hate”. He goes all the way to explain how hating someone and being indifferent to those emotions are very different things, yet in the end it is the anger that overtakes him.

If one is indifferent to other people’s demise, why is it that the hatred that Junpei feels for Shouta is the catalyst for killing him?

Does he feel indifferent to Shouta’s pain? Or is it his hatred for him that justifies his actions?

If Junpei was indifferent to the people bullying him this whole time, then the anger he felt after losing his mother was the reason he could ignore his previous doubts like “tainting his soul”

Anger made him blind, which is also what Itadori told him. In a rage, Junpei forgot all about his previous inhibitions and only strived for revenge.

It shows us how easy it can be to be nice to people who have had troubles in the past, but it also shows us how quick one can turn from a loving place in life to a dark one. A support system can not only be used in healthy ways, but they are also the backbone of toxic relationships.

Mahito made sure to give Junpei not only the support he needed to find some self-confidence, but also presented him with the idea that the indifference Junpei strived for was a normal instinct. He told him that indifference to human life is natural, if he wants to kill someone he should just do so.

Which in the end clears one thing up: Junpei was in fact indifferent to the pain he would cause because his hatred towards the one who he thought killed his mother was strong enough.

His story starts with the support of someone with low self-esteem and big ideas, and it ends with a tragic death that left Itadori with a piece of his heart missing.

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demonologist-in-denim · 3 years

Text

Okay, let’s get into this, because I have put off talking about Crowley’s cut monologue from 12x23 for long enough. If you haven’t already, you can read it here, or in this great gifset.

I absolutely see why this was cut. And I’m only acknowledging it here to talk about why I not only think it doesn’t add anything to Crowley’s story or our understanding of him, but how it actually detracts from it. After that, I intend to ignore it and let it fade away into the ether of the spn fandom. That being said, deleted scenes and cut scripts live in a sort of canonical limbo – you can choose for yourself whether to accept them as canon, consider them glimpses from some alternative universe, or do away with them entirely. I’m choosing the latter in this instance.

(This was meant to be a post, but it turned into an essay.)

Whomever wrote this was either unfamiliar with Crowley as a character, or was intentionally twisting the character in such a way as to fit into the convenient narrative that removed him from the show. Blame it on Chuck in text, blame it on the showrunners outside of text, whatever your preference – this doesn’t read like Crowley.

There are very few parts of this monologue that felt in character, that read like something Crowley would say. Not just in the tone or the choice of words, but the openness of it. And that’s coming from someone who writes reformed and/or human Crowley, with his admittance to remorse and shame and love. In this cut script, he is uncharacteristically vulnerable, sharing self-reflections he would never have shared aloud at this point in his character development. His dialogue lacks the layers of meaning or deflection that Crowley would normally employ, that he employed everywhere else in the show, even when being emotionally vulnerable.

That’s not to say that Crowley didn’t think or feel these things – I will argue to the end of my days (in spn fandom) that after the cure, Crowley hated himself. He hated that he was alone and unloved. Some part of that was due to being a demon and the horrible, evil, messy things he’d done, and some of it he believed was due to his inherent lack of worth. And I think this monologue was written in part to have Crowley make that final confession out loud. Final because, if that’s the case and he’s willing to admit it – to his former enemies and now the only people he really has in his life – his story can only take one of two directions: redemption or death. Embrace the desire for change and move forward as a reformed demon and full Winchester ally, or dramatically (and unnecessarily) sacrifice himself.

And there is a way to write that, but with Crowley properly in character and with the emotional complexity we know him to possess, not this blatant declaration. Maybe the line would have worked depending on how Mark Sheppard played it, and it only falls so flat because it’s just a script – I’m willing to allow for that. But this moment, facing down the boys after letting Lucifer loose, in front of an audience of Mary Winchester that he doesn’t know well and isn’t comfortable with, it doesn’t feel like a moment for Crowley to be this open, this vulnerable, about something so personal and so monumental.

I’ve no doubt that Crowley expected the Winchesters would one day kill him, “for good this time.” He was a demon working alongside a pair of hunters; there was always going to be that risk. Crowley was intelligent, one of the smartest characters on the show. He had to know that was how things would play out – either that, or he would die on their behalf, or because of their actions, even if he had ended up leaving Hell and joining Team Free Will. That was what happened to people around the Winchesters. Crowley warned Kevin of that himself. “They use people up, and leave them to die bloody.” Crowley knew. And as he internalized more and more of his blood-born conscience, Crowley had to believe on some level that he deserved it, especially if he hated himself and what he’d done.

But once again, if Crowley was going to say something like that, that’s not how he’d say it. It would be as a dismissive aside, or a knife in Dean’s gut in a moment of intense emotion between the two of them, or as a rebuke that the Winchesters badly deserved. Or better yet, as something remarked between himself and Cas, who Crowley likely suspected would outlast him but also ultimately die in service of the Winchester cause. Words like those have power. And it’s unlike Crowley to lay them down in supplication like this. It doesn’t even feel like a heart-felt confession, like his monologue in 8x23. It reads like someone wrote what was meant to be under Crowley’s words, the intention behind his dialogue, the much-exalted subtext, but failed to add all the layers on top of it, to put it in actual character.

I’m just going to bundle the whole beginning of the monologue together and toss it out entirely. Firstly because I’ve argued more than once that Crowley is an unreliable narrator when it comes to his human life. What we know of it from Rowena comes with an agenda, and what we know of it from Gavin comes from a man who had a difficult relationship with his father. It’s about as reliable as young Dean telling stories to Sammy about their parents’ time together. And there’s canonical errors in this monologue to back that up – we know Crowley wasn’t buried in a pauper’s grave, because we saw it 6x04. The “dying in a puddle of his own sick” is a great detail in terms of storytelling, but it’s almost directly repeated from Rowena, who said it as a belittling comment to a young Fergus. It’s too forced. And we know at least Gavin came to the funeral, because he tells us so in a deleted scene in 12x13 (remember what I said about getting to pick and choose when it comes to cut scripts and deleted scenes?).

But more importantly – and this is the part that really grates – Crowley’s iteration of his human life reinforces the narrative of absolute morality in the spn universe. It supports the argument that if a character becomes a demon, it must be because they were a terrible person. There is no room for human flaws, for characters to have made mistakes – and that doesn’t just hinder characters in terms of backstory, but in character development and emotional growth moving forward. It’s a stance spn takes more than once, and especially with non-human characters, though never in regards to the Winchesters. The Winchesters can become soulless or demons, but they were “always good” before that, so they are deserving of redemption. If Crowley or other non-humans were “always bad,” that absolves the Winchesters from seeing them as people deserving of help, or of their ability to change, or even to be seen as beings deserving of any level of respect or agency. And it absolves the showrunners from writing a character capable of development, of being able to grow beyond their previous flaws.

That’s not to say that Fergus MacLeod wasn’t some or all of those things. But if he was a complex character – if he was a person, as all stories should aim to present their characters – then he was all of that and more, just as the Winchesters are their virtues and their faults all wrapped up in an individual person. And if Crowley had brought this up some other time, in reference to his human life, none of this discussion would be necessary. It would be easy to say: he’s an unreliable narrator, and this provides us with insight into how Crowley feels about himself, and it would be interesting and valuable. But here, it’s used in justification for Crowley’s status as irredeemable – which is not true – and as part of justification for what happens next.

Crowley’s death was written by the showrunners as an excuse to remove him from the show – attribute that to budget costs for the show, or running out of story ideas for Crowley, or creative laziness, whatever you want. And within spn, it can be attributed to Chuck not wanting another character like Cas muddling up his Winchester Brothersᵀᴹ grand narrative. I’ve written before both in posts and in fic about how Crowley’s character-central instinct for self-preservation crumbles into depression after losing Hell and the seemingly-irreversible depletion of his and Dean’s friendship in 12x23. And that this ushers in a desire to End in such a way that achieves revenge against Lucifer (not a significant motivation, in my opinion, you’ve got to outlive your enemies to win against them), earns him the appreciation of the Winchesters, saves the world (proving his capacity for good), and brings about an end to his waiting. Glory through death, redemption in death – tropes that are hard to associate with Crowley unless you buy into his character’s devolvement in the latter half of season 12, but which the writers do their best to smooth into place and the fandom was forced to choke down.

And I won’t argue that Crowley didn’t wanted an end to his waiting – I’d argue the opposite in fact. This blatant preference for suicide, however, is antithesis to everything Crowley. What Crowley wanted in that End wasn’t an end of himself, but an end to existing in a state of perpetual limbo. Be accepted by the good guys, embrace his more human aspects, or return to the full dark depravity of demonkind. An end to the emotional rollercoaster, to continuous and destructive self-doubt, to striving to be both the king Hell needed and the ally the Winchesters refused to admit they benefited from having. That’s entirely different than wanting to end himself. As much as Crowley hated himself, he would never have considered death to be a preferable option – not unless some outside force, be it Chuck or the spn showrunners, decided otherwise for him.

Even if that had been the case, and I am wrong about Crowley’s characterization and his motivations, I still do not think he would have been as open about that motivation as is written in this cut script. It is just not like him. It is too vulnerable, too self-pitying. Crowley was always concerned about the others around him, and especially the Winchesters, thinking less of him. He never would have said something like this to them, not as this is written. Nor would Crowley have gone to the Winchesters with the intention of them killing him. He might have known it was a possibility, once he confessed his actions, (and from his perspective, there was the chance the Winchesters didn’t know of his involvement in Lucifer’s escape anyway), but it would never have been his intention. It’s not unknown for Crowley to encourage abuse from those he’s wronged, and to revel in the attention and emotions of it (here I’m thinking specifically of Kevin beating him in 9x02), maybe considering the punishment just and due. And Crowley at this point likely suspected he would eventually meet his end in some way involving the Winchesters. But death by their hands in this moment would have involved none of the justifying benefits of death by his own hand only a few scenes later – glory, revenge, redemption, a sense of closure.

Compare this cut monologue and its potential death – at the hands of the Winchesters after confessing his role in Lucifer’s escape – to this cut line of dialogue from later in 12x23. “Tell Dean he was right – you bloody fools have rubbed off on me.” This is Crowley. This is emotional complexity, admittance to a change of heart, self-awareness, and a brave act of equal defiance and sacrifice, with his usual smug, snarky dismissal. This isn’t suicide brought on by depression, by an uncharacteristic vulnerability. It is resolved, determined, if reluctant. This is Crowley choosing the greater good and the boys, even if it means sacrificing himself.

For me, this small addition smooths over much of the unevenness in the showrunner’s attempts to justify Crowley’s death. He has lost Hell, he believes he’s had an irreversible falling out with Dean – all of which could be overcome, grown beyond. But then a rift opens, and Lucifer is an immediate danger, and it requires a life to save the day. Crowley knows it can’t be either of the boys – that tends to have world-ending effects – and it can’t be Mary Winchesters or Castiel, because of “Winchester man-pain.” So that leaves Crowley. And having exhausted all immediate alternatives, Crowley does what internalized Winchester logic and conscience tells him is right. It would still require a moment of hesitation, a moment we see him combatting his deeply imbedded trait of self-preservation. But at least that would have been in character and show definitive character growth on Crowley’s part.

So yes, I completely agree with the decision to cut this monologue in 12x23. It doesn’t tell us anything about Crowley that we don’t already know, and is uncharacteristic of him, and provides out-of-character justification for his actions that wasn’t needed. You don’t have to agree with me, obviously. And I’ll end this rather long rant of an essay by saying what I always say: that Crowley deserved better. He deserved better than the mangling of his character’s motivations in the latter half of season 12, and he deserved better than this monologue. I’m glad it was cut from the final script.

#crowley #character analysis #spn season 12 #spn script #crowley deserved better #happy sulphur saturday #this has been your pre-scheduled lunch time rant #not back to your regularly scheduled postings

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littletoullps · 2 years

Text

i almost don't recognize you anymore, yeager.

ଘ where it gets so hard for saki to see through yeager's emerald eyes, even if the boy was her one and only love.

eren yeager x saki terumi word count: 2.1k genre: angst, reverse comfort, smut. warnings: mentions of blood, murder, sex and aggression.

🎵 . . . cold, maroon 5.

— why?

it's strange to think that they were sitting at that table and that a simple question, so rhetorical, would start one of the worst experiences i've ever had as a soldier. it's not as if, in my charge, i hadn't gone through bloody events, or even lost friends, but, there, at the table next to the child who, in my own opinion, was the reincarnation of some pandemonium, i experienced hell. they told me there was no feeling of repudiation for her, it was nearly torture. armin and mikasa were kind. much kinder even in that situation, and even if i wanted to, i would never have been able to put myself in their shoes.

— we protected you for no specific reason. it's not like we needed a justification. — mikasa said, calmly, with her shy voice as always in that type of situation.

— i was the one who killed your dear friend, i was the one who caused the damage. falco is not like that, why don't you just kill me? — and there she was, confessing to the seven winds all the crimes she had executed. i had a few options, but certainly slapping a kid to death in front of my peers wasn't my style in this situation.

— we don't have that option. — i said before armin had a chance to interrupt like he probably wanted to.

— but you're certainly dying to kill me, aren't you?

gabi probably wasn't more than fifteen years old and, for a girl to speak like that in front of us… it was a very specific circumstance where i didn’t know how to act.

— ah... you only know how to talk about killing. you remind me of someone. — armin said, sighing as if he was exhausted from seeing the whole scene. it was exhausting talking to that kid, especially in that room where they still didn't know why they were there.

suddenly footsteps are heard, invading both the room and my mind. when i look ahead, i see there the figure i spent days thinking about. i thought incessantly about eren's well-being, about what was on his mind, about what were the reasons he had left me all that time. why had he done it all by himself? all those questions running through my head had a single answer: eren was still looking for the freedom he knew he would never have. with a single movement, eren was able to silence the three, who tried to mumble his name before he raised his hand. a deep cut was made there, which bled horribly, his scarlet blood running down the skin of his arm, horrifying the four of us who were already inside that room. at least i was horrified. there were few times i'd seen that look translucent from the yeager's eyes, almost as if a part of him had died and he was only there with the remaining part of his body, his soul, his heart.

— keep your hands on the table. — he ordered, still standing, pulling out his chair, and finally taking his seat. the liquid continued to flow desperately, now through the white lace cloth that covered the round table. — i wanted to talk to you in a quieter place. the others will be fine, they'll just move around. — those were his first words, and i swallowed hard as if i was being suffocated by his presence. unfortunately, for some unknown reason, i was unable to take my eyes off him. eren was annoyingly different.

those were also his only words before armin and mikasa bombarded him with questions about his decisions. not that i was blaming them, far from it, but we didn't know what eren's intention was in being there. one way or another, he was justifying himself, almost as if explaining in a failed attempt — in my own opinion — to prove his freedom. who is truly free should not surrender to the instinct of wanting to prove his true freedom, but even so, eren tried every time, until the word freedom no longer meant anything to both of us, therefore, we, who were looking for it since childhood, almost like a youth dream lost among our memories. eren and i were always together, more than mikasa and even more than armin for one specific reason: i understood him. i understood his purposes, his reasons, his beliefs, his thoughts. everything. his feelings about freedom were shared and his desire to see the world was also conveyed, so of course, i understood. it was obvious. but i couldn't help but be paralyzed in that instant, as if it were necessary to look at him all the time, absorb his energy and, once again, manage to ease his pain.

but, for the first time, it was impossible.

i couldn't hear anything else as i delved into his eyes. all i could feel was pain, agony, and a deep twinge in my chest. i couldn't even imagine what he felt, and the terrifying feeling that went through me and my entire body was desperate. almost as desperate as watching him talk to me and not being able to distinguish reality from fantasy. i felt mikasa and armin looking right at me too, even though I wasn't looking at them both, but i couldn't get away from it. the only thing that got me out of that state was finally having yeager looking straight at me.

— and you. — i stopped for a second. even awake from the deep dream I was in, i blinked only a few times, waiting for what he had to say. — i feel betrayed, saki. i don't feel the same things looking at you anymore.

— EREN! — armin yelled so hard that it made me tremble.

— how should i feel knowing that we don't have anything in common anymore like one day we had? how am i supposed to… like you…

— EREN, STOP! — and finally, ending with the passive-aggressive aura, armin jumped on top of that table, already covered in blood, without a trace of fear or insecurity, but before he was able to do anything, mikasa stopped him.

— see, mikasa? i told you. you’re a slave. — i didn't understand anything else, precisely because i didn't hear the conversation, and eren didn't bother me because i was numbed by his eyes enough to ignore his words. but in the same second, armin jumped in for a second attempt, a punch that landed squarely in yeager's face. mikasa muttered for them to stop, but it was useless. the kid was equally paralyzed and i no longer knew what i was doing there.

but eren was not the someone i used to know.

“why does it feel like this is goodbye?” i thought while watching armin getting hurt and looking at eren one more time before falling into my knees.

maybe it is.

🎵 . . . slide, chase atlantic.

i couldn't remember anything else, and suddenly i was in the eldest's room, if that could be called a room. lying in his bed, i sat up abruptly when i woke up, finally seeing him again, calm, sitting in one of the chairs in the cabin and looking out the window.

— where are the others? — i asked nervously, but i wasn't sure why.

— shinaganshima — he said without taking his eyes from the window — don't take it all so seriously, don't even think i brought you here to continue cursing you or fighting.

— so why are we here? i thought you had already made your decision about me. — i said, and for some reason, he looked strangely offended, almost as if he were the victim there. somehow, i wondered why i was thinking like that, even if i was the person who most understood him. why would i think he was victimizing himself? — what? did i say something that bothered you?

eren stood up, coming towards me. romance was never really our thing because no one knew about the existence of love between the two of us, but at that moment he clenched my arm and forced me to lie back on the bed, getting on top of me. but everything was so cold. it hurt me.

— we were never different — he mumbled, eyes closed, letting go of my arm and placing his hands beside my face on the mattress — but now… i feel like i shouldn't take you with me because people think differently. i see in your eyes that you know i'm not the same person anymore. why should i stay here?

he looked sad for a moment, and i finally understood why he had said all that.

— is that so? eren…

— no! — he stopped me — you don’t understand all this! i can’t do it anymore, saki!

i went up with one of my hands to the side of his face, reaching for the elastic band that was holding his hair at that moment so i could release it, bringing the same hand down again so i could put it on his cheek. my thumb moving in a shy caress.

— i don’t need to understand, i need you to stay, eren…

and there it was, the expression i'd known all my life when those greenish eyes shone like two emeralds, the most precious stones i’d ever grown fond of was surely that incredible detail on his face. it was a few seconds before we kissed, intensively. eren's face was red and he was hot, almost as if he'd been waiting for this as much as i was. our bodies were glued together at that point and one of his arms lined up to my face. eren was good at giving signs and asking for what he wanted without a word.

in a fraction of second, eren sat down and looked at me with puppy eyes, taking off his belt. i knew what i had to do. as much as romanticism didn't exist between us, eren was always responsible for taking actions related to both of us. not because he felt responsible, but because he was the most anxious person i had ever met. especially when we were talking body, sex, carnal. the difference is that his soul always needed me, eren needed my touch to restore small parts that made him up, in addition to being extremely desperate for physical attention. but this time, and this time only, that wasn't what i felt coming from his eyes, which were now staring at me as i gently unfastened the belts that draped my torso. he watched me dutifully, focused on my breasts as i finished undressing.

— you can touch me, know that? — i assured him, as if giving him permission to do what he wanted so badly, bringing his face close to mine, both of us now kneeling on the bed.

— need to earn it, sa… even if i want it so bad… i… — at this point, eren was blushing. it would do no good to call him or even insist on talking to the boy.

automatically, naked, my only reflex was to undress him too. i needed reassurance that it wasn't as cold as i thought it was. it wasn't long before eren was only wearing his shirt, open, the strands of his hair now wet even though we hadn't done anything, the room was warm, unlike the two of us.

— please, do it for me… — i didn't have to ask twice, desperation was still actively contained in yeager. sitting on his lap, my only job was to lift my body the slightest bit so that eren could put his cock inside me, instantly moaning so loudly that i could see the boy covering his mouth in the next second, giving me an opening to smile the tiniest bit as i joined him, filling the room with our voices in harmonic disharmony.

eren was all touchy, running his hands everywhere he was entitled to touch, switching us in such a quick instant. i had forgotten how physically strong he was. eren, once again, managed to surprise me the moment he started to fuck me so quickly and with such surreal force that it felt like he had reached another spiritual plane, now it was me who was moaning desperately, asking him to continue. nor would i, in practice, since he was so immersed in my body that the only thing i could do was take my turn touching his body as i pleased.

it was afternoon, the sun was setting, but when we were done we were both lying on the bed, moon through the window, and we didn’t say a word. it was only possible to hear the panting breaths of both boiling. my eyes were closed until he took me in his arms, kissing my forehead.

— it was nice to have you, saki, but i needed you to understand.

and there i knew.

it was indeed a farewell.

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mostlycompetentwriter · 4 years

Text

“Small Things”- A Phobia Sequel

F/M Pairing: OC x Bang Chan (SKZ)

Word Count: 2.1K

Warnings: Explicit language, mentions of violence, mature content

Genre: Mafia AU

Summary: The birth of his first child puts a lot of things in perspective for Chan, and he’s determined to do everything in his power to keep his family safe.

There were a lot of things in Chan’s life that he could’ve never predicted. For example, when he was just ten-years-old, he met two younger classmates in Mrs. Park’s fifth grade group who he never imagined would become his most reliable confidants. But hindsight was 20/20, and Han Jisung used to be a mess of small limbs and puffy cheeks who had an uncanny knack for sweet-talking the assistant teachers into allowing him an extra portion of chocolate. Meanwhile, quiet and leering Seo Changbin was the shortest kid in class, but it certainly never made him appear any less intimidating. Together, the three of them were a formidable force, and they found it very difficult to stay apart. Yet, Chan’s only regret when it came to his friendships was the harsh and demanding mafia world that he had brought them into as business partners.

Likewise, when Chan met his future wife for the very first time, she was nothing more than the daughter of the man who had murdered his parents and threatened to harm his friends. It was surely enough justification to convince Chan that he should stay away from anyone associated with that vile and horrible man who he was forced to serve. But his daughter was nothing like her father - and Chan was always the type to observe people from a distance and learn as much about them as he could. He listened with patience, and he was quick at sorting his enemies from his allies.

It wasn’t long before Chan found himself completely enamored with the daughter of the man he hated the most - and Chan was determined that she should never have to suffer anymore. In fact, it only took one stupid decision from her father before Chan was leading her as far away from that horrible life as possible. They settled down together, and Chan started to build his own reputation in a competitive world where survival of the fittest was taken quite literally.

Consequently, Chan learned to keep his wife near him at all costs, and she was never in the direct line of fire. Chan only brought her along when he knew that there would be no danger to her well-being, but even that eventually had to stop with the unanticipated surprise of her pregnancy. Thereafter, Chan worked tirelessly to ensure that his future child would have a good life, and he was determined to keep his personal life completely separate from his business affairs.

But after so many close-calls with rivals and partners alike, Chan decided to take a huge step down from his role as the prime authority figure in their organization. Jisung and Changbin were more than willing to fill his shoes because that’s the kind of the friends that they were - perhaps even more like brothers at the core. In any case, Chan’s role became minimal, and he wanted to be there for every step of his child’s life - even if that meant giving up what he had once prioritized and considered most important.

But life had a way of constantly changing - and Chan’s priorities shifted as well. Gone were the days of late-night stakeouts and meetings with buff and angry drug dealers who always wanted more than what they were worth. Instead, Chan traded most of his responsibilities for the simple pleasure of waking up next to his wife with their daughter sleeping in the middle of the bed.

It always brought a smile to Chan’s face: to simply glance over and see the tiniest and most innocent face in the entire world looking back at him with wide eyes that promised an unequivocal love. For his entire life, Chan had always fought for what he wanted, and he used his fists and cunning tongue to help him in most situations. Yet, when it came to his wife and daughter, everything was so much easier - there wasn’t any stress to burden his shoulders, and he never felt the need to constantly survey his surroundings for any sign of trouble.

None of that was necessary anymore, and Chan was beyond grateful for the inclusion of his own little family to cherish. Some might say that his world got a lot smaller, but Chan didn’t quite see it that way. His leadership of a mafia organization meant danger and deception around every corner, but being a husband and a father promised a future full of happiness as opposed to the constant risk of death and destruction.

It was a massive upgrade in his opinion, and Chan widened his eyes when he saw his daughter start to squirm around on the bed as if in discomfort. But Chan’s fatherly instincts were surprisingly natural, and he carefully collected his little girl into his arms for the short expedition to the bathroom. Chan gently laid her down on the changing table - starting the process of providing a fresh diaper while his daughter studied him with big, brown eyes that looked a lot like his own.

“There you go,” Chan said, smiling down at the joyful bundle who allowed a series of incoherent gurgles to escape.

It was at that moment that Chan’s phone chose to go off, and he sighed because he knew that it meant he was needed elsewhere. But he allowed the call to go to his voicemail while he brought his daughter back to bed, brushing a kiss across his wife’s forehead as he watched them both journey back to sleep.

In the meantime, Chan walked downstairs to stand on the outdoor patio, choosing a more private area to return Jisung’s phone call. It only rang twice before his familiar voice was offering a greeting: “Chan, we’ve got a problem.”

“Yeah, I’m listening,” Chan said, trying not to let his annoyance bleed through his tone as he allowed Jisung to explain the complicated meeting they were planning with one of the area’s biggest drug lords. Apparently, he wanted to meet with Chan directly, and Chan briefly wondered what could be so important than neither Jisung nor Changbin could satisfy this impossible man. “I’ll be there tonight,” Chan said, ending the call with an exaggerated groan of displeasure.

The club that had been chosen as their designated meeting place was one of the raunchiest in town. It made Chan uncomfortable to see the scantily-clad women waltzing around the joint, even if Changbin and Jisung were clearly enjoying themselves. “This is my type of place,” Jisung remarked, eyes shining with mischief while he plopped a blonde onto his lap. She was young and beautiful, and she certainly had no qualms about giving Jisung an impromptu handjob through the front of his skinny jeans.

Meanwhile, Changbin hadn’t taken his hands away from the attractive brunette who had spent a good solid five minutes complimenting his biceps before Changbin was pulling her along to their designated table. His lips were glued to the side of her neck, and Chan was growing slightly annoyed with the sound of her pornographic moans as if Changbin was somehow capable of giving her an orgasm simply by painting her throat with love-bites. “Let’s be professional,” Chan said, even if he knew that it would be hard to convince his friends to turn their attention away from two very willing women.

It was actually a good tactic on the part of their host - a useful distraction to lower their guards. Too bad Chan had outgrown these tasteless maneuvers, and he could handle himself while his friends had a bit of fun with their women. Of course, the host himself was rather extravagant with introductions, and Chan rolled his eyes when a richly-dressed young man marched himself through the entrance with several women attached to his arms and a big, burly bodyguard trailing along behind him.

“I’m sorry to keep you waiting,” he said upon his arrival to their table. “My name is Don, and it’s an honor to meet the infamous leader of the Miroh Organization.”

Chan forced a smile in return. “Likewise.”

“Well,” Don continued, taking a seat next to Chan. “I can see your men are taking full advantage of our offerings.”

Chan grimaced when he realized that Jisung and Changbin had yet to acknowledge the presence of their host. “I’m sure they’re very grateful.”

“But you don’t seem to be sharing their opinion,” Don remarked. “Are they not to your satisfaction?”

“I’m not interested,” Chan said, and it was hard to notice - the barely visible upturn to Don’s upper lip as if he wasn’t happy to hear Chan say that.

“I see,” Don said, glancing between the two girls standing at his shoulders. “I didn’t want to believe the rumors, but I guess they’re true.”

“Rumors?” Chan repeated with an admirable level of patience.

“About your wife and child,” Don said, and Chan felt a sickly shudder creep down his spine. Because nobody was supposed to know about his daughter. “What a great risk for you,” Don continued. “How can you even ensure their safety?”

“We’re here to negotiate a deal,” Chan said, and he noticed that both Changbin and Jisung had finally tuned in after hearing mention of his family.

“And I’m simply proposing a few useful bargaining chips,” Don said with a sardonic sneer. “Let me say this, Mr. Bang: your asking price is outrageous. We want $10,000, or else you might never see your family again.”

Chan felt the entire world come to a standstill at Don’s declaration - like a dark curtain had suddenly eclipsed all the light left to guide his path and there was nothing left. For his entire life, Chan had never really valued his life all that much; in fact, he didn’t fear death or the prospect of what came after this existence. But the idea of hearing his wife or daughter’s lives threatened? Well, Chan had never felt a comparable rage to the one suffocating his lungs and igniting a fierce passion deep down inside of him. “This is not good business, Don,” Chan managed through the haze of red. “You won’t see a single penny from my organization, and if I see you or any of the scum associated with your shady dealership again, then I won’t hesitate to put a bullet straight through your head.”

He exhaled slowly when he stood up from the table, feeling some satisfaction when Jisung and Changbin dismissed their playthings in return. Because their loyalty was far more profound, and they would always stand by his side. Then, he gave Don one last warning glare before he led his men out of that horrible place - with no intentions of ever coming back.

Chan was still shaking from adrenaline when he walked into his bedroom later that evening, and there was a sense of relief when he saw his wife lounging on their shared bed with his daughter steadily falling asleep in her arms. It was everything that mattered the most to Chan, and he took a step into the quiet room while running a stiff hand through his messy hair. “Hey,” Chan whispered to catch his wife’s attention.

She smiled at him, and it was enough to clear the earlier tension that had rested heavy on his chest. “You were gone for a while,” she said.

Chan nodded, and he paused next to her bedside. “Can I hold her?”

His wife seemed to notice the latent fear and uncertainty in his tone. “Of course,” she said, and Chan brought the wriggling bundle closer to his chest, looking down at his daughter because there was an undeniable innocence reflected in her eyes that dispelled all the cruelty of the world that he was forced to endure during his meeting. “Did it not go well?” his wife asked, studying him with the same look that he had grown used to seeing - the one that told him she was not at all satisfied with whatever was happening.

“It...caught me off-guard,” he replied, reaching down to adjust the collar of his daughter’s shirt.

“Do you need to talk about it?”

Chan shook his head. “I think it would upset you.”

His wife inhaled sharply. “That bad?”

“It’s nothing that I can’t handle,” Chan said, and he was fiercely determined as he lowered himself down to the bed. “I’ll always protect my family.”

It was a solemn promise that was often difficult to keep in his world, but he had never felt this much love for anyone else before. Yeah, the mafia world was full of constant danger and seemingly endless trials and tribulations, but Chan wouldn’t dare say that he preferred that world to the one he kept safely hidden away from harm. Because his wife and daughter? They were his greatest adventure - and he would do everything in his power to give them the best that life had to offer.

#stray kids #stayverse #stray kids fanfic #skz fanfic #stray kids bang chan #skz bang chan #skz bang chan fanfic #bang chan fanfic #stray kids drabbles #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids writer #mostlycompetent #requested

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fallenrepublick · 4 years

Note

Thank you so much!🥺❤ I didn't think of any scene in specific...I'd just like some Maul fluff where the reader gives him the love he deserves and reassures him that he's not just a weapon designed to be perfect that can be thrown to the trash at any moment 😔

Honestly... I needed this too

Silence. It presents itself in many forms, the absence of sound often a comfort to those who need it after a day of grueling socialization and work only continuing to pile at an empty desk.

But this silence, the one that filled the halls you tread and the rooms you passed, suffocating the air around you as you walked, was pained and tense, the lingering feeling only intensifying the longer it remained. And you scoured the castle, identifying every place he would most likely be in, trying to find some justification for the sinking ache that pressed on your chest by the second.

And after passing through the throne room, offices, countless conference rooms, and even the kitchen, you finally found him. In the corner of your room, sitting in a chair you highly doubted was comfortable, Maul was staring out the window, expression almost blank, his mind not seeming to process any of what his eyes saw. It was a state you had never found him in before, and you hesitated to even speak, uncertainty about his well-being gluing your feet in place to the cool floor.

He hadn’t acknowledged your presence, unaware you stood mere inches away, and you could feel your heart tighten as you finally admitted to yourself that something was horribly, awfully wrong.

“Maul?” you called him, gently, as if trying to wake a child from their sleep, and slid forward a touch so that you might see his eyes fully. He didn’t respond immediately, and you were about to call him again, hoping you’d be able to pull him from the strange trance he had found himself in.

But his head moved, almost in a pair of predetermined clicks, and he faced you. Beneath the smile he performed lay something far more concerning, and you might’ve compared the feeling to a stab in the chest, knowing that he intended to hide from you.

“Starlight…” he said slowly, quietly, almost to convince himself you were there. “You’re back early.”

“I’ve been looking for you for hours.” You stepped forward, lowering yourself to meet him at eye level. He watched as you moved, and the longer his gaze lingered, the more his internal struggle seemed to fight against his facade. But you couldn’t say that. Not yet. “Didn’t you hear me calling?”

Pulling in a small, shaky breath, he turned away from you, searching the room for something else to look at, your concern translating in his mind as scrutiny.

“No, I… I’m sorry, princess, I was… busy.”

Frowning, you placed your hand over his, practically forcing him to stop avoiding you. Your eyes were determined and hard, boring holes into his mind while they tried to pull the truth from his lips.

“You know I don’t like it when you lie to me,” you said, the sternness of the statement laced with sadness and concern. “You always seem to think that you have to handle things on your own. I don’t care if it’s about work or about your life, or even if it’s about me. I don’t want to be left in the dark like this. You don’t deserve that.”

And perhaps on any other day, he would’ve sighed, nodded, and relinquished any hidden grievances to you so that you could tread the path together. But today, he lifted his head to the window once more, remaining silent for another few moments before asking a question that was seemingly unrelated.

“As a child… you had friends, yes?”

You were taken aback, unable to answer for a while, though it didn’t seem to bother him.

“Does it matter?” Truthfully, it wasn’t the greatest way to answer, but you weren’t quite sure what the point was. It had nothing to do with him.

The response made him laugh, but it was low and cold, far too different from the usual warmth you felt from him. And he shook his head and looked back down at his lap, where your hand had not yet moved from his.

“I suppose it doesn’t. I just… wasn’t allowed friends for most of my life, let alone-” He had naturally found his eyes back on you, and upon seeing your face filled with worry, his courage to speak suddenly depleted, and he was left once more trying not to look at you.

Not standing for his dodging, your hand slid up his neck and to his face, where it rested covering the mostly black tattoos covering his jawline. Almost at once, he seemed to relax into your touch, his head leaning down against your palm and eyes closing as the comfort of familiarity calmed his nerves.

Bringing yourself up onto your knees, you managed to come face-to-face with him, your other hand wandering up to the base of his horns, where they traced and stroked at the sensitive areas. Instinctively, soft purrs hummed from Maul’s chest, and you pridefully took it as a sign that he was feeling better.

And when he opened his eyes to you once more, he said nothing for a short while, simply watching you, studying your responses to him. So you smiled, kindness you knew he needed taking over your calm expression.

“I admit,” he whispered, as if fearing that anyone else would hear. “When we met, I expected you to leave. I was fully aware of the perfection I had discovered in you, and knowing me… it was almost a certainty that I would drive it away. Yet… you’re still here.”

His fingers traced from your cheekbones to your jaw, the sort of touch one would attribute to handling a piece of porcelain or a thin sheet of glass. And he looked at you with an air of both adoration and fear, the duality between knowing every detail of something so fragile, while being in constant paranoia that it may shatter in your hands at any moment.

And still you replied, “Because I love you,” for he deserved nothing but the truth.

“But my past, my imperfections… my failures. All of it falls on you as long as you remain here. How could any of it be worth it? Those who claim to trust in my abilities find themselves most often disappointed, be it through the methods or the results. Have I done that with you as well? Have you hidden from me another way I’ve failed?”

Heavy as the questions were, you took no time in answering, almost cutting him off before he finished.

“No, no of course not. You’ve done nothing wrong, why would you-”

“It’s what I’ve always done. There’s always been ways that my best has never been good enough.” He wasn’t avoiding you anymore, instead making a point to track every move you made. And as you looked into his eyes, you wondered if you were simply imagining the golden colors beginning to overpower the red that had once formed such a prominent halo around his irises. “For you, I… I want to be good enough.”

His words filling every part of your mind, you leaned forward to press a soft kiss on his lips, trying to hide yourself being close to tears. The admissions made your heart beat harshly against your chest, and you began fearing that you had implied to him that he was inadequate.

Pulling from him, you moved up, planting slow and delicate kisses all over his face, his head tilting slightly as you did, allowing you easier access to him.

“You are good enough. You always have been. I’m… so sorry I made you feel differently.”

Reaching up, he brushed aside a lone tear that you hadn’t been able to stop from falling. And his smile was warmer, happier this time as he spoke.

“You never made me feel differently. When I’m with you… are the only times I feel like I haven’t failed. I could ruin everything else in the galaxy, but if I know you’re happy… I’d live knowing that I did something right.”

#I gotta start writing faster holy hell #darth maul #darth maul x reader #darth maul x you #maul #maul x reader #star wars x reader #star wars x you

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nocturna-iv · 3 years

Note

001: descendants, 002: Bumarry, 003: Ben for the ask game please ❤️

Hi luv!

About this ask:

And of course!

001: Descendants

Favorite character: Uma

Least Favorite character: Mal

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon):

Harry Hook x Uma

Ben x Uma

Harriet Hook x Ginny Gothel

Jay x Lonnie

Jay x Uma

5 Favorite polyships (canon or non-canon):

Ben x Harry Hook x Uma (Ben x Gil x Harry Hook x Uma)

Audrey x Harry Hook x Gil x Uma (Audrey x Ben x Harry Hook x Gil x Uma)

Carlos de Vil x Jay x Lonnie

Chad x Jay x Gil x Harry Hook

Gil x Harry Hook x Jay x Uma

Character I find most attractive: Harry Hook

Character I would marry: Ben, Harry, Lonnie & Uma

Character I would be best friends with: Ben, Carlos, Jane & Jay

A random thought: Because it’s Disney, Descendants doesn’t touch on prostitution, human trafficking, and violent sexuality and at a very early age that the VK had to live, as happens in the real world in invasions, guerrillas (child soldiers), street children or centers penitentiaries not properly regulated (such as the Isle of the Lost, a prison without guards and any law). But I don’t touch on the subject because it’s something very real and strong to expose it like that with the fandom but due to my profession and work, it’s something that my brain always remembers. Also, I don't like it when people treat these topics just for shock value.

An unpopular opinion: It's visibly awkward that ships and popular characters are mostly white. And I mean in the content of the fandom. Although we talk about the racism that exists in the canon, very few people seek to balance the numbers with new contributions (whether with content with canon characters, OCs, or y/n). I don't know if it makes sense. But it seems that it is easy to talk about racism but not do something actively to include BIPOC characters (This is why I get excited when I find people drawing Audrey, Jay, Evie, Uma, and others without lightening their skin tone or writing fics with BIPOC y/n or creating things with the BIPOC canon characters as their main characters)

My canon OTP: Harry Hook x Uma

Non-canon OTP: Jay x Lonnie

Most badass character: Uma

Pairing I am not a fan of: Any ship with Mal. Especially Mal canon. And I HATE Mal x Uma, Audrey x Mal and Ben x Mal. Because of the toxic and abusive environment.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another):

Chad Charming. From the start, Chad, Cinderella's son was turned into... a terrible character. Well, in the beginning, he is intelligent and manipulative, who knows how to use his charm against others. Brilliant. Cool. I can work with that. He may have an arc about learning about his wrongdoing and using his privileges to help others who don't. But no, the character just went downhill and became everyone's joke.

Also, Ben, obviously. The movies wouldn't exist without him and he became an accessory to Mal. Disney can only write hero and damsel in distress, it seems. Because they do that to Ben. A tool to move the plot. My poor golden boy.

Favourite friendship: Jay and Lonnie. Give me two best friends who constantly joke around, kick each other's butt, compete in even the most ridiculous things, are affectionate with each other and even if they don't plan on it, they spend time together (I'm seeing you Jay and "I'm not going to invite no one to the ball but I'm going to dance with Lonnie all night ")

Character I want to adopt or be adopted by: I'm going to adopt Celia and no one will be able to stop me!

002: Bumarry,

When of if I started shipping it: Technically I answered this here. Also, from looking for Huma and Buma fics, I ended up finding my first Bumarry and... Oh, I got hooked on the idea.

My thoughts: They are my OTPoly (One True Polyship). I love them. Because they allow me to mix the variables and create new scenarios. After all the damage Ben has gone through, I inevitably want to give him the best and the best is Huma. What else can I say? It’s absolute logic.

What makes me happy about them: The devotion, affection, and strength they would have. Ben and Uma are very different leaders who complement each other very well and I could only trust Harry to take care of the two of them and give them the freedom they deserve. Ben is incredibly loving and that's something both Harry and Uma deserve to feel, Uma is incredibly protective and Ben needs that backing to rule and Harry needs that to stay alive every 5 seconds. Harry's loyalty is unprecedented, he would see to not only that everything is up to Ben and Uma's standards, but he would personally see that their dreams come true.

What makes me sad about them:

Harry Hook/Uma:

Ben/Harry Hook:

Ben/Uma:

Ben/Harry Hook/Uma:

There isn't much of them... And they're mostly fics of mine. I want more content, you know? I want to read fics, drabbles, see fanarts... Buh.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: It’s not in Bumarry itself. Actually, it's in Ben/Harry Hook, they usually play dirty with Uma. And it annoys me. They make her mean, jealous, cruel, or things like that to Ben and Harry. And this I came across once: They make Harry gay and that his relationship/dynamic with Uma is pure appearance. I had no problem with Harry being gay, but the justification for his sexual tension with Uma was all... Fake? No, it didn't fit in well with me. I think that's why when you ask me to write Ben/Harry Hook, Uma is there to give support. Don't play dirty with my queen.

Things I look for in fanfic: Uma dom! Uma top! Those are my favorite tags.

My kinks: With this polyship? Okay... BDSM all the way.

Ben: Caring dom, cuckolding, cupping, degradee (especially with actions), experimentalists, little one, masochist, pet, hunter (primal), praise kink, prey (primal), rope bunny, submissive, suspension, switch, tentacle fetich, voyeur, wax play

Harry Hook: Alpha sub, brat, breath play, biting fetich, choking, cupping, dom, degrader, exhibitionist, knife play (hook play?), owner, pet, praise kink, prey (primal), rigger, sadistic, slave, submissive, switch, tentacle fetich

Uma: Brat tamer, biting fetich, Dom, electrostimulation (electro-wand, feel like a little sting), exhibitionist, Immobilization, masochist, mistress, owner, hunter (primal), orgasm control, sensation play, scratching,

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Ben/Uma, Ben/Harry Hook, Harry Hook/Uma, with Gil, Evie or Jay.

My happily ever after for them:

Ben and Uma reigning Auradon and the Isle of the Lost together, Harry Hook taking care of them so they don't get exhausted and are protected from any attack.

Ben on the run with Harry and Uma to live a pirate life and reclaiming Auradon in a rebellion.

003 Ben

How I feel about this character: I love him! He has good intentions. Ben knows that he is in a position of power and struggles to take advantage of his privileges to change things. He is rebellious, the second he is going to take the throne he begins to dismantle the system. Ben has a good heart and wants to help other people. Besides, I love that he has his survival instinct broken.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Uma, Harry Hook, Evie, Gil, Jay, Audrey and Chad

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Jane, Lonnie, Chad, Audrey, Evie, Uma, Harry Hook, Evie, Gil, Jay hahaha

My unpopular opinion about this character: Because he's a guy, the fandom downplays the horrible things he's been through.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: He has maintained his friendship with Audrey and Chad. It breaks my heart to know that he is completely alone in that department since D1 and is perpetuated throughout the following films. I also wanted him to end up with Mal.

My het ship: Ben/Uma & Audrey/Ben

My fem/slash ship: Ben/Harry Hook, Ben/Gil, Ben/Chad

My OTP: Ben/Uma

My OT3: Ben/Harry Hook/Uma

My cross over ship: *thinking* Oh... Ben/Leo Valdez (PJO) And! And! Ben/Reggie (JATP)

My kink: Caring dom, cuckolding, cupping, degradee (especially with actions), experimentalists, little one, masochist, pet, hunter (primal), praise kink, prey (primal), rope bunny, submissive, suspension, switch, tentacle fetich, voyeur, wax play

A HC fact: He likes to constantly question himself. About his sexual orientation, about his gender identity, about his ability to love, about his pleasure, above all. He likes to explore. Ben is queer.

My gender bend: Technically I already have it. In Meanwhile. Bee, she loos like her. I LOVE the idea of Bee shieldmaiden.

I love responding this! Thank you!!!!!!!

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zwischenstadt · 2 years

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It’s easy to instinctively assume that U.S. libertarians think everything should be like capitalist business, and in a sense they fundamentally do of course. But if you look at their vocabulary, and in many cases professional overlap civil litigation is really how they want to align everyday life, just everybody constantly trying to manage everything via litigation, so they get super invested in the expansion of its applications. In the 1990s, there were sincere environmental libertarian movements. I think the broader ideological space gave some environmentalists confidence that regulation would be better replaced with civil litigation. If this sounds like slander, you should know that this was Ralph Nader’s explicit ideological conviction (something he wanted to act on) to replace all U.S. Federal agencies with civil society networks that pursued civil litigation. This is why there was a moment where libertarians seemed more willing, in the heydey of the movement’s influence, to argue for the actual capacity of civil litigation to resolve problems, to make it sound plausible. I definitely don’t think that’s a thing anymore. Do gooder lawyers have been vacuumed up by the more institutionalized sections of the profession, where an idea like “building support for the idea that we should solve racism by talking to our pets about feeling bad about feeling bad” soft cuddly NYTish media outlets kind of thing gains more traction now. It also helps explain what exactly the major split within the U.S. political-economic elite nexus was. The project of rebuilding government as a form of private litigation became obviously limited (but not really walked back), which flies against the significant minority of lawyers who make their money and expand their markets by replacing public government with private governance.

The actual applications of this vocabulary have been reborn as part of the structure of horrible tech bullshit like Uber, which is *nothing* without the disgusting, obviously corrupt vine of legal traps that undergirds both its function and intended purpose. There’s another sort of mutation where this became combined with the logic of asset securitization, a minor deity-level Geist which called Bitcoin into being. But I think those (and likely others) evolved beyond their discursive roots in the 1990s civil litigator imaginary.

For example, there are capitalists who are primarily concerned with maintaining production or logistics systems, and they resent litigation. They tend to have more of an older-school protestant ethic type. Most are just plain Republicans and not too libertarian. But they’re batshit in their own way and traveled their own path to Trumpism, so don’t think I’m sticking up for them! Point being though, they’re more ambivalent about existing within a litigious society. These guys loved the idea of tort reform and using the Federal government to suppress many forms of civil litigation. You hear people talk about tort reform, that’s the kind of guy I’m referring to.

Anyways the thing I find interesting about the role that it plays in shaping libertarian & propritarian politics is the promise to solve uncertainty not by effectively solving problems, but by rererouting liability and risk in new ways. If our entire social life can be remade as a series of avenues by which we can reclaim damages via civil litigation, it extinguishes actually-effective problem-solving methods while rerouting an incredible about of power into the private legal system. Libertarianism is meant to be a general justification for capitalism, but it is also a tool of practice for inventing new forms of private governance.

#i wonder if thats also a major tool that can be used to appease unions in the south #Maybe the asset of talent in this area helps them maintain good relations with Energy #sector unions in the Sunbelt and especially Texas

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