#making Janus a self sacrificing character

[greenninjagal-blog]

Hello it’s selkie!janus anon.... ur tags made me think about things..,

Pls consider: Janus knew about virgil’s habit of leaving the ocean and just kinda silently disapproved. After Virgil disappears Janus becomes convinced he died (maybe he was following Virgil to make sure he was safe but saw him get attacked and was too far to help??? Or smthn idk). Janus blames himself for Virgil’s “death”, bc he couldn’t protect him/didn’t make him stop going to the surface/etc etc

On the one year anniversary of Virgil losing his skin both he and Janus go to the beach. Both bc they’re missing the other.

Virgil is walking with the other light sides, watching the ocean longingly. When he notices someone. A man, standing alone on the beach

The man looks up, and his yellow eyes meet Virgil’s. Virgil had never seen Janus in his human form, but he just /knows/ it’s him.

Virgil runs across the beach into Janus’s arms. Janus spins him around, elated and confused and maybe crying a little bit because this can’t be real

And then the other sides run up bc they’re confused why Virgil ran off to this random guy. Janus immediately goes into defensive mode, hiding Virgil behind him and not letting Virgil say anything bc he thinks Virgil is too naive and would say smthn that would put them in danger

Ofc without Virgil to explain that these are all his friends they end up having a very confusing and accusatory conversation. To the sides it looks like this random dude is lowkey kidnapping one of them, and Janus is just mega sus of everyone

Roman (kinda stupidly) refers to Virgil as “their selkie.” Generally they all kinda do that (like also calling Patton their djinn, etc) as a term of endearment and Roman is a little bit panicking that this random dude is going to just lowkey steal Virgil??? So he’s just like “hey get ur hands off our selkie”

Janus immediately goes ridged. He’s like “oh, so that’s how this is? Well how ‘bought this. I’ll give you my skin if you let him go free”

Obviously the other three are horrified (or deeply offended in Roman’s case). Virgil finally gets to cut in and explain like the actual situation

Cue adventure of them working to get Virgil’s skin back (though I have no clue how it’d work w/o fairy Janus) and the other sides trying to get along with Janus while still kinda resenting him since they don’t want him to take Virgil away forever

(Bonus: in the year before reuniting with Virgil Janus would randomly go to the surface bc it made him feel more connected to Virgil, even if he was “gone”. He’d never go anywhere near land, but he would go look at the stars in just like the middle of the ocean.

Remus has a boat and a tendency to go out in the middle of the water in the middle of the night bc he’s just like that and accidentally develops a friendship with Janus. (Well it’s more accidental on Janus’s part than Remus’s).

Asp in their journey to find Virgil’s skin Roman calls on his brother for help. Remus walks in and he and Janus basically do the Spider-Man meme like “ITS YOU”)

You anon just showed up with a bag of free serotonin right on my door step. I love that whole heartedly. Janus dragging Virgil behind him and then offering his own skin in exchange for Virgil’s? wonderful. 

Also that bonus of Janus accidentally befriending some random guy-- remus-- but like HELL YEAH GIVE THAT FISH A FRIEND! And Then Janus and Remus doing the spiderman meme despite Janus having lived underwater his whole like-- thats funny. I’m cackling. 

(Check out the og ending of Weightless here!)

[check out actual Weightless here!]

#greengabs #monster AU #weightless au #selkie janus #HEY THESE FISH ARE GAY AND YOU CANT STOP THEM #I say once again #making Janus a self sacrificing character #boy for the embodiment of self preservation #Janus tends to throw himself into the line of fire an awful lot in my fics

[douxie-casperan]

Rise of the Titans and the assassination Hisirdoux Casperan’s character development

I’ve been ranting so much since Wednesday morning that I finally condensed by thoughts of WHY this one subject keeps setting me off namely the utterly diabolical way they handled Douxie and Archie’s relationship in Rise of the Titans and how it wasn’t just enough to hit him with the nerf bat.

Please note I’m at the point where I literally cannot tell the difference between Aaron headcanons, Teny headcanons and my own they are all mixed together in the blender that does funky things. I also apologise for typo/weird wording it’s half 1 in the morning and I’d rather sleep than edit.

~

If asked to sum up Hisirdoux Casperan there are certainly several things that come to mind:

Sees the value in people as a whole and will find do anything if there is a chance of help someone out

Prefers tactics that disable/banish rather than kill an enemy yet willing and able to pull the trigger if circumstances become forced

While not academically inclined he is very capable of thinking on his feet and outside the box calling back to his time on the streets where a split-second decision making is the difference between being caught and not

Terrible at planning he’ll be in there figuring it out as he goes along which is what makes the previous point so vital to literally how he goes through life

A natural charmer that would let him talk his way out of trouble 9/10 providing a perfect cover for his distrustful nature and reluctance to be touched by random people

Very down to earth, humble and never one to brag unless outright sassing someone

Will bang out some hot tunes at the drop of a hat, his love of music has never wavered once since he caught the bug despite instrument hopping ironically becoming a jack of all trades much like his magic style

The earliest memories he can recall are him as a young boy lost in the woods where he was for an unknown amount of time before his soon to be familiar finds him amongst the roots covered in dirt and drying tears, there is nothing before that. Unbeknownst to him is the colour of his magic matches the blue of a lost mother’s eyes and the song that haunts his nightmares as much as fire could well be hers though there is no way to be sure. From that moment on Archibald, shortened to Archie, would become his entire world and their friendship only becoming closer during the years they prowled Camelot together trying to keep themselves in one piece until the fateful day Douxie tricks the wrong person leading him straight into the path of the famous wizard Merlin Ambrosius.

It's no real secret that Merlin is a very closed off person who keeps his emotions as well guarded as his secrets, prefers the style of negative reinforcement over positive encouragement and is a very strict perfectionist in his. At this point in his life he can be very easily described as a disaster that is genuinely doing his best with every little mistake held of his head and his future self when brought back to that time period is belittled by Lancelot (Errand boy) and Arthur (Boy) too meaning it’s hardly a wonder his confidence was very fragile revelling in the times where he could do things without being told off for it. With Morgana largely ignoring him too (Though personally I like to think as he got older she’d occasionally take an interest until the blistering arguments with their master started to talk over daily life) a certain disguised dragon would have remained a lifeline and give that physical affection he craved much like being told he’d done well never seemed able to earn.

With Killahead he’d lose that home and family he made leaving just the two of them behind struggling to figure out their place in the world that had abandoned them.

There wouldn’t have been the words for it back then but the way he had been treated prior was outright abusive instilling very bad habits into Douxie yet by irony he was always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and help those in trouble without thinking earning a reputation as the Shepard of Fire. He refused to become like him seeking to be better, perhaps not as a wizard (Even though he was learning new charms and spells along the way) but certainly as a person. Despite everything he suffers through or witnesses in the intervening years, the loss of friends and kindling of far newer ones he never loses his good heart 

That said is it any wonder that after rightfully sassing Merlin for resurfacing, ignoring his existence despite being in the same town and only visiting him to run a finding errand that all the confidence he’d managed to build completely from scratch after Camelot wavered causing him to fall back solely into trying impressing his old Master who was acting like his humble apprentice must have coasted the past few centuries who himself fell back into old habits of belittling? It’s only when Merlin started to truly listen and acknowledge that this was not the same Moppet he once knew after Excalibur was fixed that their relationship finally started to become more like equals. After the defeat of Janus the changeling that broke into the castle he touched Douxie’s shoulder with a genuine smile and for a second he simply didn’t know what to do because the old man never did this before his brain kicked into gear and realised he’d finally earned that one thing he’d been so desperate for his entire life: That in Merlin’s eyes he could be more than a failure who only caused problems for the closest thing to a father figure he’d ever had, never solved them.

A staff will be earned, history would be set back on trap by banishing Morgana tag teaming with Archie because they know one another inside and out, as promised he’d get the kids back to the present but soon after things would go badly wrong. They’d lose Jim and because of his very nature he’d make a gamble to try and get him back because that life is worth trying for just for in a moment of surprising selflessness Merlin would be sacrificed to save him. The only constant in his life apart from Archie would apologise, openly express pride and how the greatest thing he’d ever done was saving this orphan, call him son for the first and final time before turning into ash in his arms. There would be no time to grieve for things will barrel into the crescendo of Douxie sacrificing his own life to buy everyone time to escape because if they did that everything he’d ever done would be worth it with one last whispered goodbye.

(Zoe sees him fall, so does Archie – His heart would break if he was conscious just like theirs does when his body crumples into the ground)

On the very fringes of the Light Realm he is gifted one more conversation with Merlin in a truly heart-breaking sequence (THANKS TENY) where they can just talk without any fear of consequence or politics and just be completely honest. Douxie is allowed to stand equal to Merlin, to have the hug he’d needed since he was a child and be allowed to simply let go of every pretense and cry his heart out because this can never happen again. He’s allowed to say goodbye to both his master and Morgana who had both shaped so very much of his life but like the painting he’d always remained firmly in the long shadows of until that moment.

When Hisirdoux Casperan finally leaves Wizards if we just accidently deliberately put the shawarma back in along with checking in with Zoe before departure, it is with having learned to live during his wandering years but this is the point of true freedom because he can finally escape into his own light with Archie by his side to keep Nari out of the hands of those that would see the world harmed. It won’t be easy but it feels possible somehow even with the knowledge everything is simply running on borrowed time.

Then Rise of the Titans happens.

At first everything is genuinely fine! No more running, they engineer a solution shut the Order’s magic down to make them a lot less dangerous and potentially at least incapacitate them until they can come up with a longer-term solution but all the best laid plans and all that. Douxie’s quick thinking stops the train from crushing any of the people below and it’s a very him style move to switch places with Nari to stall for time because for some reason the plot disabled Claire from portaling her or any of the threatened people/heroes to safety. He openly sasses the Order despite knowing the consequences will be bad for him because once again he’s managed to trick them, buy time that at the other end isn’t even slightly utilised until he’s forced back into his own body in excruciating pain. Archie immediately mobs him with comfort just as he has done every single time the wizard is distressed or collapsed with exhaustion without thinking because that is what their bond is like, incredibly close and far more than the Soul Bond mark that connects them together. They’re very alike in that regard, you have to earn the right to touch while equally knowing exactly what form the other needs the most in that precise moment in a way very few others could.

Bar the moment of figuring out that an illusion is in place to hide where the Order is opening the Genesis Seals and the brief insistence on reconnecting with Nari somehow Douxie manages to forget everything that makes him who he is after this point choosing to stand in the background being very no thoughts head empty or can only use the most basic spells of his youthful days not the seasoned master wizard he should be. Nomura is treated like an innocent slip rather than an outright death he did absolutely nothing to prevent (Not to mention the stupid daytime thing) nor seems to care particularly about afterwards yet with Nari’s he’s allowed to openly grieve in a gorgeously animated visual showing how he’d failed to keep her safe despite everything. He did nothing to help here either mind despite allowing himself to be tortured in the same piece of media to keep her safe, just watched another loss happen right in front of his eyes in his conga long line of them.

Then there’s Archie, oh god then there was Archie.

The dragon who even here he’d been shown to have an incredibly close bond with him decides you know what sod that tell him goodbye I’m going to make a joke about having a kingdom now dad and me are trapped in here forever. Douxie on his part looked sad for all of three seconds saying that he hoped he’s happy like it's a pet that wandered out into the world one day and never came back instead of a lifelong companion that has been there for as long as he can remember. He was now completely alone in the world since Zoe was also written out entirely and because every bit of his background had been forgotten about it somehow meant nothing. This wasn’t “I know you miss him, I know you need to grieve but you are running out of time” moment like things had been with Charlie, this was “cool shapeshifting dragon cat is now stuck in a plot hole that’s a shame” with zero pay off or any of the genuine reaction that should have been there or hell even trying to Ohana him back that very second because it never should have happened in the first place. Then even this wasn’t enough somehow, they managed to de-power Douxie even further into uselessness bar the (Admittedly nifty!) sticky feet stunt, the one who fought Skrael and Bellroc to a stalemate was shunted aside with barely a thought and his head would somehow get even emptier.

The one person who knew the danger of time magic the most stood by and said nothing.

The one person who would suffer the most by a reset because the lynchpin to his issues would be asleep if you got it wrong and should have drilled it into Jim’s head the best time to aim for stood by and said nothing.

The one person who had just suffered the loss of his familiar, best friend and only family along with the almost sister like Nari stood by and said nothing.

Then to add further insult to injury the caption when Douxie and Archie is shown says Some go their entire lives living an existence of quiet desperation because every drop of his character growth, his ability to finally start addressing his trauma instilled back in the 12th century, the staff he longed for was instead openly mocked by going “Aww he got his cat friend back how nice!” Everything he’d rightfully earned and had now would be unable to progress until certain criteria are met because it hinges entirely on the Trollhunter going to Merlin’s tomb and there’s only so much your support network of two (One if she’s written out) can do, the root of the majority of his issues all stem from one man.

And this folks is why I’ve been going on multiple rants about Douxie in particular, everyone was hit with the out of character bat to some degree in this film but when they came for him they didn’t just stop after they took his legs out because they wanted him to suffer from something he’s never had any control over to begin with all over again. Abuse survivors deserve better, these characters deserve better and we as viewers deserve far far better writing than we were forced to endure.

#Ooc - Behind the curtains #Rise of the Titans #Rise of the Titans spoilers #RotT Spoilers #RoT spoilers #Wizards #Tales of Arcadia #ToAWizards #Hisirdoux Casperan #Douxie Casperan

[iclaimedtobethebetterbard]

P L E A S E tell us about Roman!! My favorite character! I cannot wait to see your opinion!! /lh

omg i can complete the set this is so satisfying tysm

First impression: roman was actually my original least favorite character oops. not that i didn’t like him, i just. liked him less than the others. although this does come with the context that while i didn't get into the fandom until dwit, i did started watching the series a few months before dwit came out; i just didn’t start participating in the fandom until a little later. and i started with the episodes before janus was there. so for that period of time where i was just watching stuff with the core four, roman was my least favorite. i thought he was mildly annoying lol. 

Impression now: he is tied with remus for my third favorite!! (although. bear in mind that janus and virgil are tied for second favorite and i love all the sides so much, so the difference between favorites is very small lol.) he’s a good boy and he’s doing his best. he’s still got a lot of areas where he can be kind of immature, but he has gone through a lot of character growth since the start of the show & im proud of him while simultaneously wanting him to start making progress on the lots of room he still has to grow. i think he is really fun to write fic for, bc he has such a big personality, but he’s also got lots of insecurity, and he’s also trying really hard to improve himself, and he can also be really mean (sometimes on purpose and sometimes not), and he’s also really sweet, and he can be self-centered but also self-sacrificing, and just. there’s so much fun juicy characterization details to dig into.

Favorite moment: god there are so many good quotes from him ugh. how to choose. “five abs and one pec” and “time out for thee” are some of my favorites probably. or the entire opening of the courtroom scenario in svs, that’s also really good.

Idea for a story: okay so. i thought of this during the prinxiety renaissance right after fwsa. idk if anyone has done something like this or not, i haven’t seen any fics with this idea but also prinxiety is a ship i don’t often seek out content for so i definitely could have missed it.

but imagine. just post fwsa. like immediately after the episode ends basically. roman and virgil are still talking about the five-star michelin restaurant in france. and they come to the conclusion that,,,,,, you know,,,,,, that’s very fancy,,,,,, so if thomas were to take nico on a date there,,,,,,,, it would probably be a good idea if they practiced to get ready,,,,,, just so that thomas is prepared. obviously. no other reasons.

and the long and short of it is that roman makes a fancy restaurant in the imagination for him and virgil to go on a date to. except the date is totally just practice for thomas. it has nothing to do with roman or virgil or any feelings they might or might not hold for each other. definitely not. ahahaha.

and they are both badly-crushing-on-each-other messes the entire time, but they still have a Lot of fun just hanging out on the technically-a-date-but-also-not-but-also-yes!! and then like at the end they eventually manage to be like “so,,,,,,,,, this is not just about thomas and nico,,,, is it” and then like they kiss or whatever. hehehehehe.

Unpopular opinion: ooh. hm. i think the “roman should apologize first! janus should apologize first!” argument is,,,,, kind of pointless?? they both messed up. and for both of them, the thing they need to apologize for goes way beyond just that conversation. it literally doesn’t matter who apologizes first. both of them hurt each other and need to make it right. janus was very manipulative towards roman and used him for janus’s own benefit multiple times, and roman has been one of the main people demonizing janus to thomas and encouraging thomas to see janus as bad (he only temporarily stopped doing this when they both wanted the callback).

Favorite relationship: hm. i love roman very much but very few relationships with him are in my top ships. and i already talked about creativitwins in my remus post lol. i like LAMP a lot!! let’s go with that!! i think they are absolutely precious together!! they complement each other really nicely and they make for such a fluffy sweet polycule i adore them. 

Favorite headcanon: the Imagination, honestly. just. that whole concept that we’ve come up with. it’s great. does that count as a roman headcanon??? lol.

or the idea of him and remus sharing a room, that’s absolutely hilarious. (and you know that if it’s a bunk bed situation, they fight over who gets top bunk a lot but remus always wins, and if it’s a half-of-the-room-apiece situation, roman is the one who is very strict about keeping their own stuff in their own half of the room. plus also them awkwardly being like “okay so i still hate you BUT also i know you well enough to know EXACTLY how to comfort you and cheer you up when you’re sad, which i am doing now just so you will be quiet and definitely not because i care about you in any way. obviously” when one of them is upset about something. <33)

oh also, the “literally bruised ego” thing is,,, kind of like in a gray area where im not quite sure if it’s canon or fanon??? but that’s definitely really fun for angst purposes.

-

YAY i did all the sides that was so fun!!!!!!! i’ll probably make a lil masterlist in a bit just so i can save that somewhere.

[see my thoughts on janus, patton, virgil, remus, logan, and orange]

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #thatsthat24 #roman sanders #ts roman #peregrin said a thing #peregrin answers #peregrin plays a game #lee-reads-fanfic #prinxiety

[khaleesiofalicante]

What do you think all of the members of the TMI Gang’s fatal flaw is?

Oh! Good one!

For some reason, I feel like their greatest strength is also their fatal flaw? If that makes sense.

Alec -Protectiveness/Loyalty.

All tmi characters would sacrifice themselves for each other, but Alec feels like the most likely to jump in fire to save his friends. This is also canon - he has sacrificed his life to try and save Jace and Magnus. And it isn't going to stop!!!

Magnus - Kindness/Naivity

I absolutely adore Magnus' kindness and how he wants to help other people but bebe is seriously going to get hurt if he keeps doing that without putting himself first. He did that in TDA when he almost died trying to save everyone else? He keeps trying to help Shinyun even though she keeps trying to kill him? He helps people knowing it will get him in trouble. I mean, the simple fact that he keeps hanging out with shadowhunters despite knowing they are dicks says it all. LIKE SIR YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

Jace - Love/Dependency

One of the main plots of tmi is how Jace and his love for Clary helped him defeat not one but TWO evil villains. We know that when he is fighting for Clary - Jace is capable of anything. I feel like Clary is sort of his anchor - along with Alec of course. Despite his "confidence and high self esteem" he is emotionally fragile and he depends on them a lot to keep him safe and sane. His love and dependency on those around them can become his weakness too. Case in point: Janus.

Izzy - ????

Tbh I have always felt like Izzy was a poorly written character. So, I can't really figure out neither her strength nor her flaw, not in the way I can analyse other tmi characters. :(

Simon - idk

For some reason, I can't think of anything. His character is better written than Isabelle's, but I can't figure it out. Maybe he doesn't have a fatal flaw. That's interesting too!

#tmi gang

[averykedavra]

All I Want is Serenity

*ahem* Yes, thank you for gathering here tonight. I know I’m supposed to be working on my millions of unfinished fics. However, let me propose some, *ahem ahem* Roman angst? Perhaps, perhaps. Thanks to @becca-becky for not judging when I asked for “weird crab facts, stat.”

You can find this fic on Ao3 here.

(Title is from 'dreamin by The Score.)

Words: 13019 (I’m so sorry, I swear this was supposed to be like 5k)

Pairings: platonic DLAMPRT

Warnings: food mentions, missed sleep, missed eating, self-deprecation and self-hatred, sympathetic everyone including Remus, disassociation, brief suicidal ideation (although only referring to “ducking out”), slightly unreliable narrator, verbal abuse, anxiety, panic attack, sensory overload, spiraling thoughts, discussions of time and losing track of time, touch-starvation but it’s pretty brief, extra limbs but also very brief, maybe some light PTSD? The sides are portrayed as somewhat unsympathetic in Roman’s own mind, but they are not, he just views them as more hateful than they are. (I want to say this isn’t as bad as the warnings make it sound, but...it’s not great. There’s a happy ending, though, I promise!)

Summary: Roman knows the only way to keep the Sides from hating him is to make sure he’s perfect. He needs to say the right things, act the right way, and smile at the right times. But his endless practicing, high standards, and ugly thoughts are only making him screw up more. He needs to get a handle on things and become the perfect prince they want, or he’ll be kicked out for good.

It was cold in Thomas’ living room. Roman shivered as soon as he rose up. He’d try and fix the temperature, but there wasn’t time, not with everyone’s eyes on him.

Usually he loved attention, or was good at pretending that he did. But with Logan’s cold stare, Virgil’s glower, Patton’s shaky smile, and Thomas’ blank expression tearing through him, his skin crawled and he hid his shaking hands behind his back. He was ready for this. He was.

“Greetings,” he said, trying for a smile and his usual confidence. Was that the right way to go about this? Could he even maintain the facade anymore? Should he just let down his guard and stop being so insufferably extra all the time?

“Roman,” said Janus, and Roman flinched. Why did he do that? He knew Janus would be there, a few feet from Logan, yet he found himself unable to even look in Janus’ direction.

“We need to talk,” Thomas said, and Roman nodded. He knew.

“About the last episode.” Logan adjusted his glasses and Roman felt a little flicker of comfort at the familiar motion. "Clearly there are some things we need to sort out.”

Roman opened his mouth to apologize. Was that the right way to do this? Apologize right off the bat? The idea rankled at him, the fragments of his pride trying to stop him from throwing it all away, but maybe it would help to get everything out of the way.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “I was rude and very unprincely towards Janus, and I hope he can forgive me.”

Janus watched Roman for a moment before inclining his head. Not forgiveness, but acknowledgement, which was better than Roman expected.

“That’s good, kiddo,” Patton said, his smile growing a little more real. “Now what about the rest of us?”

Roman swallowed. “The rest of us?” he repeated, wishing desperately he had chosen to do anything else, wondering why he thought this was ever a good idea.

“Well, yeah.” Virgil’s arms were curled around his knees and he was sitting instead of standing on the stairs. Rather out-of-character for him, but it helped ground Roman, not having everyone here be perfect and unaffected by the situation. “You’re...y’know...”

Virgil blew his bangs away from his eyes. Now that was classic Virgil, and it made Roman’s heart clench.

“You need to apologize to all of us,” Virgil finished, shrugging. “Sorry, dude, but...you messed up. Big-time.”

“I...” Roman nodded. “Of course. Logan, I am so sorry for insulting you by pushing the Ignorant button. That was a rude and insensitive joke and I’m sorry.”

Logan’s eyes softened, just a little bit.

“Patton, I...” Roman bit his lip. “I’m sorry for pushing you so much. We went into territory you were clearly uncomfortable with, and instead of hearing your concerns, I led you to have a breakdown.”

Patton’s eyes flashed. Okay, bad choice of words. Roman made a mental note to avoid calling it a breakdown.

“Thomas.” Roman tried to remember what to say. He’d wronged Thomas, hadn’t he? How? “The wedding,” he guessed, hoping Thomas would give him a cue.

Thomas nodded slowly.

Okay. Good. He was on the right track. “I shouldn’t have forced you to go to the wedding,” Roman continued, keeping his voice level. “It wasn’t what you wanted to do, and I let my own fears of siding with Janus get in the way of doing the right thing for you. I sacrificed your dreams, and for that, I apologize.”

Roman could have made a snarky comment about how they were his dreams too, and really he was only trying his best, but he had a feeling that wouldn’t go over well. Maybe he’d try it later, when he was tired and looking to let out some anger, but for now he was giving this his best shot.

“And Virgil.” Roman let all his sorrow and guilt flood his voice. “Virgil, I...I’m so sorry for ever treating you like the villain, for not listening to you, for being so prejudiced against the ‘Dark Sides.’ I’m sorry for even making up that name. I’ve been a terrible prince and an even worse friend, and I hope you--all of you--can forgive me.”

For a second, Virgil looked about to smile. Had Roman done it? Had he made his way through with no mistakes?

Then a sharp voice cut through his fog of hope. A sharp side to cut through all the bull. A sharp tongue and sharp eyes, slicing Roman back down to size.

“Why would we?”

Roman’s mouth went dry. He swallowed a few times. Stay tall, Roman. He was born for the stage, the spotlight. He was a master of improv. So why did this specific scenario get him so off-kilter?

“Why would we forgive you,” Janus continued, stepping forward, “when you’ve been lying this whole time?”

“What?” Roman whispered.

“You’re not actually sorry.” Janus’ voice was louder than Roman’s heartbeat, but only by a little. “You’re just apologizing so we’ll forgive you and you can start getting what you want again. I can taste lies, Roman, and you’re coated in them.”

“I-I’m not...” Roman took a step back. “I’m not lying!”

It was a weak line. A weak comeback. But Roman had always been weak.

“I’m not going to forgive you,” Janus said, and there it was. A simple statement that stabbed into Roman’s heart. “You’ve apologized before and you’ve never tried to change your ways. The fact is, you can’t change, because you don’t even believe you’ve done anything wrong.”

“How could you say that?” Roman protested. Yes and, his own mind whispered at him. Improvisation is yes-and, not blind denial. But how could he agree to that and still survive this? How could agree to that and get the good ending? “I’ve done so many things wrong! I’ve--”

“You have,” Janus agreed, stepping forward again. Roman felt his back hit the wall. The TV was between them, he noticed dimly, and cursed himself for the thought. Janus wouldn’t attack him! What kind of unsavory fear was that? So much for thinking of Janus as a good guy.

Still, even if the real Janus would never attack him, Roman had a sickening feeling that right now, all bets were off.

“You’ve made a million mistakes,” Janus said. Something we’re both familiar with, Roman remembered, but that was just a line to flatter Roman, make him let his guard down. There was no flattery now. “But you’re not sorry. I can tell.”

“Of course I am! I--” Roman paused, doubt squirming into his head. Was he sorry? Sure, he acted like he was, he told himself he was. But was he really apologetic? Or did he just want to get rid of the guilt that ate him up every night, the loaded glances everyone gave each other when he entered the room, the bite in everyone’s voice when they greeted him? Was he so selfish that he didn’t care about his friends’ feelings, only his own?

“Finally, an epiphany.” Janus smirked. “I knew it would take a while to get through that idiotic head of yours. But now that you’ve finally caught up with the big kids, do you know what it means that you’re only thinking of yourself?”

Roman knew. Roman knew. He didn’t want Janus to say it, but Janus was going to, because everything was out of Roman’s control. Why had he wanted it like this? Why did he think he could handle it?

“Evil,” Janus said, relishing each letter. “You’re the evil twin, Roman.”

Roman glanced around wildly, hoping for some scrap of support. He knew there wouldn’t be any. He knew their faces would cut him even deeper. But he looked around anyway, and he hoped, because Roman had always been pretty stupid.

Logan’s face, stern and cold, eyes flashing. Virgil, glaring at Roman like he did long ago back when they were enemies, baring his teeth. Patton, smile finally slipping off his face, looking at Roman with furrowed brows and a pout. Disappointment.

And Thomas. His Center. His person. The one he did everything for, the one he dreamed for, the one he lived for. Thomas looked at Roman, shook his head, and looked away.

Roman tried to scrounge up some sort of fight. He needed to get them to forgive him! Or at least continue the conversation! He couldn’t just give up now. Giving up wasn’t something heroes did, and if Roman wanted the slightest chance of success, he had to brave this out.

But Janus’ eyes were gleaming and sharp like the edge of a knife. The script had been torn to pieces long ago, and the more Roman stood among the people that resembled his friends, the more it tore him up inside.

He sighed, slumped against the wall, and waved his hand. “Cut.”

The room dissolved around him. He sunk to the ground, or what might have been ground. It was hard to tell when the Imagination was between worlds. Everything was the same shade of parchment white. He ran his hand down the wall and felt the roughness. Usually this place invigorated him, an empty canvas, a blank slate to create wondrous worlds and spin scintillating stories. Now it just reminded him of his failure.

Ugh. The first round was always the worst, but he thought he’d be able to handle it a little better than that. But no. He’d frozen, choked, run dry. One malicious monologue and he got tongue-tied? Pathetic. And he was supposed to be an actor.

Well. Maybe it would take longer than he expected. Ten rounds instead of five, maybe even twenty or thirty. But he’d figure it out. He’d be able to brace himself for the hatred. Or better yet, find the good ending. If there was one to get at all. He certainly didn’t deserve their forgiveness. Perhaps, though...perhaps if he found the right words, he’d manage to salvage their tolerance.

Either way, he knew when he finally had this conversation in real life, he’d be prepared. He’d be insulated from the harm of any stinging words thrown his way. He’d be fine.

Practice made perfect, after all.

Roman hauled himself to his feet and waved his hand, building the living room from scratch. He put the finishing touches on Virgil’s patchwork hoodie, Logan’s striped tie, Janus’ scales, Patton’s smile. Maybe it would hurt less if he made it less realistic, didn’t pour all his love and knowledge into each creation, but it was supposed to hurt. It wasn’t practice if he didn’t feel the weight of the real situation, didn’t feel the pressure on his lungs and the shake of his hands, didn’t feel the shame of being ridiculed.

“From the top,” Roman muttered, clapping his hands. And the scene started again.

“Greetings,” Roman said, smiling as wide as he could, ready for another try.

“Logically, there is no reason to forgive your apology. I hold no affection for you and you have sidelined me on multiple occasions.”

"Cut. From the top.”

“Kiddo, I’ve always supported you, but don’t you think you’re getting in Thomas’ way? I really think I should take the driver’s seat on this one. Maybe you can take some alone time and think through how you can be better.”

“Cut. From--from the top.”

“Oh, hey, bro! Whatcha up to? See, we’ve decided you’re not really all that, so we’re trying the other Creativity out as the good twin. Just take a backseat and be a nuisance, which shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Cut! From the top!”

“Jeez, Princey, can you pump the brakes? And I thought I was a bad guy. Hate to say it, but maybe you should just duck out and stop corrupting him.”

“C-cut. From...from the top.”

“You’ve never been my hero, Roman, and you never will be.”

Roman couldn’t even say “Cut” after that. He was too busy crying.

Eventually, though, after a million wrong choices and a billion broken smiles, he found his way to some semblance of the good ending. No jolly good fellows and cheering citizens, no happily-ever-after, just a version that didn’t make Roman want to curl into a corner and hide forever. His fake smile got better with every round. His apologies grew more polished, and even though they felt less and less sincere, they got better and better results. Soon he was just running through the words like he was reading off a teleprompter, bobbing his head along to a script he knew by heart.

He knew what to say. He knew where to pause, where to let his voice crack, when to smile and when to let someone else talk. He learned to wait his turn, to accept the first two insults from Logan but push back at the third, because if he didn’t, Janus would accuse him of taking things lying down which would lead to an entire diatribe from Virgil about Roman never fighting for himself anymore. It was a delicate balance between meek and egotistical, quiet and loud, apologetic and confident. One slip of the tongue and he’d be berated again, kicked out, encouraged to just duck out and save everyone the trouble of his company.

Still, it stung less after the tenth time. Roman barely even flinched after the twentieth. By the thirtieth, he was able to just nod and smile, swallowing the hurt. By the fiftieth--fortieth? Fiftieth? How many times had he remade this room, polished up these characters, and tried again? He didn’t remember--by the time he stopped, it didn’t hurt at all.

He was tired, he realized as he finally put away the living room for good. His eyes ached and his head swam. He must have been doing this for several hours. Time was hard in the Imagination. Well, no longer should he deny himself his beauty sleep! Usually he’d have a walk into town to reward himself for succeeding, have a chat with some characters or slay a mighty dragon or just enjoy the wind on his skin. But he didn’t really feel like he deserved a reward right now. And he definitely wasn’t up for any dragon-slaying. Or socializing.

Roman summoned a quill and scratched out a door in red ink. Maybe it was overkill when he could just sink into his room, but he enjoyed watching the ink spread over the surface of the wall and sink into a three-dimensional figure. It was one of his favorite parts of the Imagination, the way he could will anything into existence, plant a seed and let it have a life of its own.

Or it usually was. Not when the Imagination supplied biting words and cold eyes, going above and beyond even Roman’s worst fears, forcing him to confront every possible worst-case scenario.

Other than that, though, it was a fun place.

Roman opened the door to his bedroom. It was dim and empty, smelling almost stale. How long had been away? Didn’t matter, he was tired. And hungry, he realized as his stomach growled, but sleep before food. Did he even have any food? He’d been storing as much as possible under his bed so he wouldn’t have to attend meals too much, but he was pretty sure he’d eaten the last chicken wrap this morning. Or maybe yesterday morning.

Roman collapsed on his bed with a sigh. The food issue could wait for now. His eyes were already closing. He pulled his quilt over him and sunk into his pillow, breathing another sigh of relief. Goodness, he felt like he could pull an Aurora and sleep for a hundred years. All that crying must have been exhausting.

But just as Roman drifted off, he felt a tug in his chest.

Thomas.

Oh, no.

Roman’s eyes flew open. He thought he still had a day before this! That’s what Logan’s schedule said, and Logan’s schedule never lied. Why would they push it earlier?

Roman glanced out the window at the sunny day. His alarm clock read 4:30. The little red x’s over the previous days on his calendar proclaimed it to be a day before the Talk. Maybe he’d gotten the date wrong, misread it somehow. That would be just like Roman, to be such an idiot he messed up a simple date.

Well, no time to worry about it now. Thomas was summoning him again, the tug stronger and almost painful. Roman quickly jumped out of bed, waited for the room to stop tilting, and strode over to his full-length mirror. He looked like a hot mess. Nay, not hot, cool. Nay, not cool, uncool. An uncool mess.

Roman quickly snapped his fingers and straightened the wrinkles from his outfit, combed the tangles from his hair, and dried the tear tracks on his face. He practiced a smile, a grand pose, and recited his part in his head. He knew what he was doing. He was ready, he was prepared, he was numb. This would be fine.

When he felt another tug he took his chance, rising up in the real world and beaming at everyone. “Greetings,” he said, going a little quiet on the second syllable and purposefully softening his smile when he was done.

It was warm. No surprise, it was late spring in Florida, but Roman had gotten used to the icy chill of the Imagination. He’d never bothered to fix it. Maybe he should have, because the warmth was throwing Roman off, reminding him that this was the real thing and if he messed up, he got no do-overs.

“Hi, Thomas,” he said after a two-and-a-half-seconds pause. “Everyone.”

“Roman.” Janus’ voice cut in, right on time.

Roman nodded at Janus, lifting his lips slightly. Janus didn’t smile back, but he didn’t until later. So everything was going to plan.

“Where have you been?” Thomas burst out, his eyebrows furrowed. “Nobody’s seen you for days!”

Oh. Okay. That was off-script.

“I’ve been in the Imagination,” Roman said quickly. Not a lie, so Janus couldn’t see right through him. Just a layered truth. “What would you like to talk about, Thomas?”

Thomas pressed his lips together. “I think you know.”

Roman carefully let his smile fall, just a bit. “I know.”

“Yeah.” Thomas looked around. “We need to talk about the last episode, Roman.”

“We’ve already spoken about it,” Logan said carefully. “Just...not with you.”

“You weren’t answering us,” Virgil said, curling into himself, just a bit. “We, um--I. I was worried. But you’re here now, so--so that’s good.”

“So.” Patton tugged at the sleeves of his cardigan, looking nervous. The same nervous smile as Roman expected. “I--”

“I’m sorry,” Roman said, reciting the speech he perfected, the one tailored to ruin his friendships with the least people. “I messed up, and I’m sorry. Janus, I shouldn’t have laughed at your name--I actually like it, it’s very dramatic and it suits you.” End the compliments there, before Janus thought he was laying it on thick, or worse, figured anything Roman liked had to be terrible. “Patton.” Pause for emphasis, keep his voice level. “That video was kind of a mess, and that was my fault.” Don’t add any ‘maybes’ or ‘partiallys’ or ‘kind ofs’. Don’t imply it was Patton’s fault or everyone will get mad. “Logan, I’m sorry for cutting you off. I do that far too much--” Not ‘we’, ‘I’, because the last time he said ‘we’ Virgil got mad that Roman thought Virgil ignored Logan. “--and I would benefit from listening to you more.”

It was Virgil’s turn now. Roman didn’t have to say much to Virgil--too much, and he’d send Virgil into a panic attack like he did in the Imagination. “Virgil, I’m sorry for all the times I’ve been cruel to you. I haven’t ever apologized for those before, and that was my bad. You’re...you’ll always be one of us.” Oh, no. He’d gone off-script. But he just couldn’t help it! Hopefully the extra compliment wouldn’t be seen as too forthright, and no one could get mad at Roman for assuming that there was an “us” and Roman was part of it.

Everyone was silent. Roman let his words ring for a second or two. He didn’t meet anyone’s eyes, instead turning to Thomas. Thomas had an unreadable expression on his face, and Roman knew how quickly it could turn to anger, disappointment, fear, disgust. He had to do this right.

“Thomas.” Roman carefully shifted from one foot to another, a small sign of weakness that would make him seem a little less egotistical than usual. “I...I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t add anything else. No chances for misunderstandings with Thomas. He was a part of Thomas, all of them were, and Thomas would know exactly what he meant.

And Thomas did. His eyes softened. “I forgive you, Roman. Thanks for saying that.”

“Great!” Roman knew a cue to leave when he heard it. Sticking around too long had never ended well. They’d gotten their apologies, which meant he was no longer necessary. “Now, I’m afraid a noble quest awaits me, so I shall take my leave. Farewell!”

He gave a little flourish of the hand and sunk out, leaving the rest of them frozen in the living room.

“Wait--” Virgil started to say, but Roman was already gone.

Roman spent the rest of the afternoon dozing, watching TV, and scribbling down the first lines of stories he knew he’d never finished. At some point, maybe two hours or so after the dinner he skipped by insisting “I ate earlier, Padre, and I’m awfully busy right now,” he learned why the Talk had taken place a day early. Or rather, that it hadn’t. He’d been in the Imagination for a whole day without realizing.

Well, that happened sometimes. A day or so, and Roman would be back to his fabulous self. And he’d navigated that conversation with barely a hiccup, a real achievement. He usually messed up somewhere, the panic getting to him, lashing out at someone or feigning too much confidence and coming off as egotistical. And of course, before he started doing this, he’d been a mess.

He’d gotten the idea during Can Lying Be Good?, and although that episode was a disaster after Deceit showed up--Janus, his name was Janus, a change that still sent Roman’s stomach tumbling whenever he was reminded of it--it was still a good idea to work through possible options before making a choice.

So it started small. Roman practicing monologues on an empty stage, Roman working through a few different scenarios before deciding on the play to audition for, Roman conjuring up another Side and practicing asking them for help or thanking them for their assistance or apologizing for a wrongdoing. Slowly he started building worlds, polishing off characters, holding full conversations. There were more and more choices now. Everything was a choice. Every word was a choice that led to good or bad, happiness or hatred. Was this how Virgil saw the world, every sentence a pitfall? Roman hated it.

Yet made things a little better, made Roman feel a little better, a little more in control. Like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure story, paging through each option before making his choice, messing up and being able to stumble back to the last moment of solid ground, searching for that good ending. Like a video game with infinite lives.

Ugh, a video game. That carried bad memories thanks to the disastrous episode after the wedding. Roman had gone in there completely blind, since he had no time to prepare with a few run-throughs, and it had gone off the rails. What was that analogy with Thomas’ dead friends? Why had he pushed Patton into blowing up? Why had he even tried to contribute to a discussion about morality, which he knew wasn’t his area of expertise? And why had...why had he laughed at Janus’ name?

He’d panicked. That’s what he’d done. He’d panicked and made all the worst choices he could. He’d panicked and showed his true colors as a thoughtless, heartless, egotistical villain. Honestly, it was a miracle he hadn’t been kicked out of the Light Sides on the spot.

But it was fine now. He’d managed to scrounge up some compassion from the others, they’d forgiven him, and it was fine. Well, he hadn’t stuck around to see whether they’d forgive him--expecting something in return wasn’t very kind of him. He didn’t need them to forgive him. Thomas forgave him, and that was more than enough.

So now all he had to do was not mess it up again.

Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

Roman was already avoiding the other Sides as much as possible, but he dialed it up to eleven. He sneaked into the kitchen and stole a week’s worth of food. For some reason, it was depleted in three days. Either he’d miscounted the food or the days. But it was fine. He ate in the Imagination, and he felt full in there until he left, upon which his stomach would feel like it was trying to devour itself. After the third time he fainted, he figured he might want to start eating dinner with the others again.

So he spent half the afternoon practicing, ranging from best-case scenario of being politely tolerated to worst-case scenario of being stabbed by a fork. At least, he thought it was half the afternoon. It turned out to be twice as long as he’d aimed for. He’d missed dinner altogether. So Roman spent another night starving until he stumbled into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl of cereal. He hoped that no one would be there. But Patton was already flipping pancakes.

When in doubt, he’d learned from all the scenarios he’d ran through, smile and nod. So Roman smiled, nodded, and started to take his cereal back to his room.

“Stay,” Patton insisted, looking far happier to see him than usual. That probably meant trouble. “The others will be down soon, and we’ve all missed having you here for breakfast!”

Okay, that definitely meant trouble. And engage in conversation before finding the right things to say? Roman would be kicked out before anyone had the chance to finish their pancakes.

“I appreciate the gesture,” Roman said, trying for an ingratiating smile, “but I truly do have things to attend to--”

“You’ve been saying that for days.” Patton slid a few pancakes onto a plate. “Kiddo, what’s going on in that head of yours? There’s no reason for you to be working this hard.”

Ah, there was his angle. He was wondering what Roman was up to. As Thomas’ Creativity, any issues with creative output could affect everyone. That made sense, and that was a conversation Roman knew how to handle. He’d practiced this very scenario, what, two weeks ago? One week? It had been a Tuesday, he was sure of that, but he didn’t know which Tuesday. Well, whatever, he remembered how to handle this. Assure Patton that everything was fine on the creative front, that as far as he knew there were no issues with burnout, and thank him for his concern.

But then Logan stumbled into the room, yawning, and Roman’s plan went out the window. Logan was a new variable, and a volatile one at that. Logan hated him. Logan thought he was dramatic and worthless and annoying. More than once, Logan had ended up yelling at him in the Imagination. And in real life, if Roman was being honest. He couldn’t blame Logan, but sometimes it got on his nerves how seriously Logan took every little jab.

Still, it was just Patton and Logan. Logan would surely react well if Roman spoke of organization, promised to follow the schedule, and maybe slipped in a compliment or two. It was kind of sad how much Logan was flattered by compliments, even backhanded ones. Still, it wasn’t Roman’s place to check on his self-esteem. All Roman had to do was play into Logan’s hands.

This was fine. It was only two of them, it was only breakfast, and things would be fine.

And then Virgil slouched through the door, sat on the counter, and poured himself an ungodly amount of coffee.

Okay. Problem.

Virgil, for lack of a better word, was the most confusing side. He was run by a myriad of internal inconsistencies and perfected paranoia, his operating system a hodgepodge of self-consciousness, worry, and a million little tweaks and complexities. Roman could make a good imitation of Virgil on the outside--just slap in some gravely remarks and a general I-would-rather-be-sleeping attitude, and he had himself a decent Anxiety--but on the inside? He was lost. Virgil followed his own rules. There was no telling whether Virgil would freak out over something, no playbook for whether or not he lashed out, no step-by-step manual for how to keep Virgil happy. Virgil was always on edge, always on his toes, and always saying just a fragment of what he really thought.

Roman liked that, in a way. Virgil was different, but he liked that Virgil was different. Virgil could surprise him. Virgil could understand him. Virgil was a good friend.

However, with Patton and Logan already in the room, Roman really did not want to have Virgil around, too.

He cast around for an excuse that would be nice enough for Patton, serious enough for Logan, and not too suspicious so Virgil wouldn’t narrow his eyes and ask “who did you think you were fooling?” That had happened...more than once in the Imagination. Sometimes it was paired with a crack about Roman’s acting skills, which always stung.

Before Roman could find an adequate alibi, the door opened again.

“Apologies for being late,” Janus said, sliding into a chair, Remus following like a lost puppy. A puppy covered in green slime and sucking on a jar. “Remus wouldn’t stop throwing octopi at my head.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here now!” Patton slid plates of pancakes onto the table. “Enjoy, kiddos!”

Roman looked around at the room. Five people. Five chances to mess up. He couldn’t do this. He hadn’t practiced. There was no safety net to keep him from falling off the tightrope.

“Roman?” That was Janus’ voice. Smooth and suave and seeing right through him.

I can taste lies, Roman, and you’re coated in them.

Roman stood up abruptly. Everyone was looking at him now. Why had he ever grabbed the spotlight? This clinging attention made him want to curl up and hide.

“I-I need to go,” he stammered out. Before he could receive the consequences for his rudeness-abruptness-hesitance-everything, he sunk out. He left the bowl of cereal half-empty on the table.

The rest of his morning, which he’d planned to use to write, ended up alternating between hyperventilating and staring at the ceiling. He was doomed. Absolutely doomed. He’d made a fool of himself and probably offended, annoyed, angered or upset everyone there. Why had he even tried? Such a ridiculous idea, inserting himself in their lives like he belonged, like he was worthy to sit at their table and take up their time.

But he was greedy and selfish and didn’t want to just hide forever. It would be easiest to cut himself off. It would be easiest to lock his door and stay in his room unless summoned. It would be easiest to--no. He wouldn’t duck out. He couldn’t. He might be a defective Creativity, but he was the only Creativity Thomas had. Other than Remus, and Roman did not want to leave Remus in charge.

Then again, he couldn’t possibly mess up more than Roman had. If Roman wasn’t the hero, maybe Remus wasn’t the villain, and maybe Roman should just--

Ugh. Roman rubbed his eyes and tried to scrub the thoughts from his head. They’d always lurked in the back of his skull like an itch he couldn’t scratch, but ever since the court case, they’d returned with a vengeance. And after the latest episode? It took all his power to keep them at bay.

Well. Breakfast may have been disastrous, but this wasn’t the end of things. He would just have to practice more, is all. He wouldn’t freeze up if he had a better handle on how his friends really acted. This would be fine as soon as he was perfect at it.

So he practiced. Every day, he practiced. He did the work for Thomas and ate a meal or two, then spent the rest of his time fabricating conversations. He had one-on-ones with all the Sides. He talked to them in groups. He practiced dissolving tense situations and coming to compromises and not getting yelled at for being an idiot. He learned his way around Patton and Virgil and Logan and Remus and Janus and Thomas. He found the best cadence, the best tone, the best vocabulary.

And he messed up. Over and over and over again. At his best, he managed to avoid full-on blowouts, but after he got tired? He was berated. He was mocked. He was laughed-at and shunned and told to “just leave and make the world a better place.” He cried and that just made the situations worse, he said “Cut” and felt like a coward who couldn’t face the truth, he ran out of the Imagination and curled up on his bed and tried to get his breathing back under control. Some days, it was like a nightmare he could never wake from.

But it was worth it. On the miraculous occasions when Roman did everything right, he would get praise. Patton would beam at him. Janus would apologize for hurting him. Logan would give him a little nod. Virgil would smirk and say he “really wasn’t so bad.” And Thomas...Thomas would look at Roman the way he used to, like Roman was still his hero.

Once he even got a hug from Patton. It made his arms burn and his insides go cold and hollow. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been hugged. Patton used to mandate group hugs, but everything was so tense now, and everyone avoided everyone else. Or perhaps they just avoided Roman. That would make sense.

When Roman played his cards right, he got the good ending. Which meant it was possible to get in real life, too. It was possible to maintain peace and remain accepted and even manage to be a good friend. However, the real world always threw Roman off. He panicked, froze like a deer in headlights, and his tongue curled up whenever he had to speak. He fumbled through conversations, conscious of the weight of the eyes on him, and retreated to the safety of his room.

He just needed more practice, he told himself. It would be fine.

He spent whole days in the Imagination. He brought his lunch in there with him, so he could practice eating and talking. He slept in there some nights, conjuring up a bed because he was too tired to make his way back to his real room. Sleeping in the Imagination was strange because he never knew when he’d woken up again. Everything was dreamlike and artificial. He’d stumble into his real room and pinch himself over and over again until he was sure he’d woken up.

Logan assigned Roman a brainstorming session. Roman made a note of the date and spent the day before it prepping. He had a few ideas, none of them fantastic, but hopefully Logan would be able to expand on them.

“Where have you been?” Logan asked when Roman showed up in the living room. “The session was supposed to be two days ago.”

“What?” Roman blinked and mentally ran through what he’d been doing for the past week. Oh. He must have lost track of time in the Imagination again. “I...it’s...what day is it?”

The date he got in response, along with a confused expression, cemented the truth. He was two days late.

“I'm so sorry,” Roman blurted out. “Completely lost track of time.”

“It’s perfectly alright,” Logan said, but he was still eyeing Roman suspiciously. Roman quickly quieted to hear what Logan was going to do.

“I’m free now.” Logan patted the couch next to him. “We can brainstorm now, if you would like.”

Which answer was the correct one? Logan could be annoyed about the whole thing and looking for a chance to insult Roman. But he looked earnest enough. He probably wanted to get things over with and give Thomas some good ideas. Okay, that was fine. This was fine! Roman was doing great already. The ‘missed the date’ thing wasn’t optimal, but other than that, this was going so much better than it usually did.

So Roman shared his ideas. He made sure to hesitate before each one, so Logan could stop him if need be. He peppered in a few compliments, kept his voice level, and pointed out the flaws before Logan could. Everything was efficient. Logan tried to make conversation at some point, but Roman knew that was a trap and would just lead to Logan getting annoyed at Roman “getting off-track” or “not taking this seriously.” So Roman didn’t take the bait, only talking about the ideas. Logan frowned a bit but followed his lead.

As soon as the ideas were finished with, Roman cleared up his space and stood up. Lingering after he was needed never ended well.

“You’re leaving?” Logan asked.

“We’re done, are we not?”

“Of course,” Logan said, but he didn’t look convinced. Oh no. Roman had done something wrong and now Logan was going to yell at him.

“Is there something you need?” Roman asked after a few seconds of silence. He tried to sound polite instead of dismissive, but the tone didn’t come off how he liked, and he winced.

“No, I--” Logan paused. “We’re...we’re watching the filmed version of Hamilton tomorrow night. If you’d like to join us, that...would be adequate.”

“I--” Roman tried very hard to keep from squealing and jumping around the room in excitement. “Sure! I’d love to.”

Was that too eager? No, Logan just looked...relieved. Almost happy. Patton had put him up to this, probably, and he didn’t want to fail at even a simple task. Well, Roman was glad he could give Specs an ego-boost for the day.

Roman quickly excused himself before Logan could take the invitation back. He closed the door behind him, hopped up and down, and squealed. He shook his fists and twirled around and hummed a few lines of Hamilton. Because it was Hamilton! And someone wanted him to be there! He would get to watch Hamilton with his whole fam-ILY!

He was going to watch Hamilton.

With everyone.

Oh, no.

This was bad. This was very, very bad. It was tomorrow night. He would be watching the Hamilfilm with everyone. So, so many chances to mess up. And  he’d never practiced a movie night scenario before. He’d figured it would never actually happen in real life.

But here it was. He was invited. And he only had a day to prepare.

So Roman spent an entire day in the Imagination, watching Hamilton over and over with the other Sides surrounding him. He practiced eating just enough popcorn, laughing quietly, and making jokes. What he found? The best way to maintain peace was to simply shut up. No snippy comments, they annoyed Logan, who was trying to focus. No singing, it got on Virgil’s nerves. No trying to talk to Patton, who sat next to him. Patton didn’t want to talk to Roman. Every time he opened his mouth, things went wrong, and he was left curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and Lin-Manuel Miranda singing onscreen.

It was a good film. The close-ups were fun and the choreography was top-notch. Maybe Roman would watch it on his own later and actually get to sing along. Then again, he’d seen it ten times or more now, thanks to all his run-throughs of every possible scenario. Any magic the show possessed at first had drained away.

He wasn’t late to the movie night, thank goodness. Patton smiled and made room for him on the couch. Roman took just the right amount of popcorn, ignoring the yowling of his stomach, and settled in to watch. They were all in the positions he’d practiced with. Patton curled up on the couch, Virgil perched on top of it, Janus sprawled on the floor, Logan in the chair nearby, and Remus behind the TV. Patton was giggling over all the puns, Virgil was trying not to look excited and failing, Logan was monologuing under his breath, Janus was rapping along, and Remus was digging around between his toes.

And Roman stayed silent. He tamped down his excitement and simply nodded along to the music. He let Logan rant about the costume design and Virgil poke fun at some of the jokes. He let Janus hum the tunes and Remus shout out all the innuendos. It ached to just sit there, almost as if he wasn’t present, but he knew that being invisible was the only way he could leech off this comfort and familiarity. He had been included, and he wasn’t going to mess this up.

“Hey, Roman?” Patton asked during the intermission. “You doing okay?”

“Of course!” Roman declared. “Why do you ask?”

“You’ve been kind of...quiet?” Patton’s eyebrows were furrowed. “I thought you’d like this. I know how much you love Hamilton.”

And what could Roman say? That he’d already seen this exact film a dozen times in preparation? That he’d seen every ending where he spoke up, and none of them were good? That he really wasn’t in the mood to be yelled at when he couldn’t just stop the scenario and cry on his own?

“Apologies,” Roman said instead. “I’m...I’m just tired.”

Patton looked about to continue the conversation, but What’d I Miss had begun to play, so he turned back to the TV and let it be. Roman settled in for the second act. He really wished he could just leave, but he still liked being surrounded by his friends, and they’d think it was rude if he said goodnight early.

He kept quiet, despite Patton’s confusion. He caught Virgil giving him weird looks, Janus pausing before every song like he expected Roman to join in, and even Logan eventually ran out of steam and fell almost silent.

“This is such a good song!” Patton exclaimed, humming the upper part. Janus took the lower. “Does anyone else want to sing with us?”

It was a completely transparent attempt to get Roman to sing. But no. Even if Patton seemed to want it, he’d quickly tire of Roman’s dramatics, and Virgil and Logan would hate Roman for being such a nuisance. So Roman just shrugged and smiled, enjoying Patton’s cheerful humming and Janus’ smooth vocals, pretending he didn’t wish that he could slip in between them and sing along.

Pretending was all Roman was good at, wasn’t it?

When Hamilton ended, Patton smiled and said “Wanna watch something else, guys?”

“How about Disney?” Virgil asked, watching Roman carefully. “I know one of us would like that.”

“Actually,” Roman said, standing up and stretching, “I'm quite fatigued, and a prince needs his beauty sleep. You can continue without me! I hope you have a wonderful night.”

Everyone shared glances, but Roman didn’t stick around to figure out what they meant. He waved and sunk out, returning to his room and sitting on the floor for a long, long time.

That was all he’d ever wanted. A chance to be part of the group. And he hadn’t even messed it up. So why did it feel so empty?

Roman was struck with a horrible thought. Had he left the Imagination? Was that the real movie night? Or was it just another scenario? Maybe he hadn’t watched the real Hamilton at all. That would explain why everyone was acting so strangely, all quiet and hesitant. No, it wouldn’t, because they would act the same as he expected, that was how the Imagination worked--

Roman reached out and ran his fingers over the carpet. This was real. That was real. Everything had happened for real. He couldn’t imagine the little details, like the reflections of the TV in Patton’s glasses, the threadbare edge of Virgil’s hoodie, the time Logan started singing along and immediately flushed bright red.

Still, the next morning, he casually mentioned to Patton the Hamilton movie. Just to make sure.

And Patton laughed and agreed. So it had really happened. That was good.

It apparently hadn’t a week or so later, after a long session of possible-movie-nights so he could be prepared if he was invited again.

“Did you know female crabs lay between 1,000 and 2,000 eggs?” Remus asked in the middle of lunch. “What I’m saying is, there are enough crabs to take over the world and make us all their servants.”

“You already told us that,” Roman said, smiling.

“I did?”

“Yeah, during Moana, remember?”

That got Roman a long, blank stare. Then Remus finally said, “I haven’t watched Moana in months, bro. And I’ve never watched it with you.”

“Huh?” Roman thought back to when he’d seen Moana. It was a dark night with storms on the horizon, and Patton had fallen asleep during the first song, and Logan had gotten annoyed at Roman hiccuping so Roman started over--

Oh.

“Whoops!” Roman laughed. “That didn’t actually happen. My bad.”

Remus was looking at him like he was insane, which was strange, because usually Remus was the one who was probably insane.

“Gotta go,” Roman said quickly, and disappeared. He spent the rest of the day berating himself for being an idiot and telling himself everything was fine. He’d just gotten a little confused, is all. He’d get some sleep tonight and he’d be fine tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning, he hadn’t slept a wink, and he wasn’t even sure it was tomorrow morning. Time was starting to blend together. Roman woke up and he didn’t know what day it was. Roman forgot he could say “Cut” in the Imagination because he forgot it was the Imagination. Roman said “Cut” in the middle of a conversation in the real world and had to quickly cover for it. Roman showed up for a deadline a week early. Roman made a joke about something Virgil hadn’t actually said. Roman flinched when Patton entered the room after a long lecture from Patton that hadn’t actually happened. Roman assumed one conversation hadn’t happened until it was referenced again and he realized it was real. Roman found himself panicking in the middle of the day, unable to name whether things were real or not.

Yes, he could feel everything around him, but was he really here? Was this the Imagination? He felt disconnected from his own body, unable to make any choices, unable to settle his thoughts. He found himself curled on the floor, shaking, running his hands over his outfit and trying to tell himself it really existed. Trying to stop himself from crying.

Everything was fine. His interactions with the Sides were good, nobody hated him, everything was peaceful. It didn’t matter if Roman felt like the world was careening around him. All that mattered was serenity for the Sides and success for Thomas. If everyone else was happy, it was fine.

Roman tried mentioning it to them. In the Imagination, of course, so there would be no real-world impact. Everyone was mad.

It was Janus who stuck out to Roman the most, because Janus was the one who grabbed Roman by the arm and said he was being selfish, didn’t he want to be better than a villain, clearly they had made a mistake allowing him to stick around. And he tossed Roman into the Subconscious, screaming. That would be where Roman woke up, if this was a nightmare, but it wasn’t. He had to snap his fingers and crumple to the ground in his room, gasping for breath.

Janus showed up at his door a few days later. Roman said “Just a minute!” so he could run through some breathing exercises and calm his shaking hands and recite the pointers for interacting with Janus. Let Janus have control of the conversation, apologize whenever necessary, and don’t rise to any of his bait.

“Roman?” Janus asked.

“Why, hello!” Roman said, opening the door just a bit so Janus couldn’t see the mess. He hadn’t spent any time cleaning his room. He’d been busy practicing. “What brings you here, Janus?” No clever nickname. Clever nicknames had been generally frowned upon in the Imagination.

“I...” Janus looked uncharacteristically...nervous. “I wanted to talk to you. Check on you.”

“Oh?” Roman asked, his stomach dropping. “And why is that?”

“I can sense lies,” Janus said. “As you know. And...I--you--”

Roman froze.

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” Janus said quickly, “I’m just concerned. We all are. I know you’re upset with me for what happened, and I’m truly sorry about that. We all are. Just...we would appreciate, even if you can’t forgive us, for you to tolerate us? You haven’t been yourself lately, and we’d appreciate--I’d appreciate--to know how we can make it up to you.”

Roman needed to answer. But all he could see was Janus grabbing him with an angry light in his eyes, Janus snapping at him when he said the wrong thing, Janus saying he was selfish and evil and not worth anyone’s time, Janus laughing at Roman’s discomfort, Janus calling him the evil twin, Janus sending him to the Subconscious and telling him to never come back--

“Roman?” Janus was stepping forward, concern on his face, but all Roman heard was the rushing of blood in his ears. All he saw was Janus’ twisted smile as he tore Roman down.

“I--” Roman stumbled backwards. “Don’t--”

“Don’t what?” Janus asked.

“I have to go.” Roman turned away so Janus couldn’t see the tears in his eyes. He fumbled with his doorknob and slammed the door in Janus’ face, sinking down as soon as it was closed, leaning on the wood. Breathe. He needed to breathe. Count from one to ten and back to one, in and out, big breaths. He needed to stop crying.

“Roman?” he heard from the other side of the door. Oh, no. He’d forgotten to make sure his room was soundproof.

Janus had heard him. He’d heard him crying.

Roman dug his fingers into his arm. Stupid.

“Roman, are you okay?”

Roman tried to muster up a “Yes, sorry, I’m busy/tired/alright.” Tried to find the perfect cadence and the perfect words. But he was so far from perfect right now.

“Go away,” he said to the door.

“Roman--”

“Go away!” he screamed. “Leave me alone!”

There was silence. Maybe Janus had listened to someone else for once in his life. Roman laughed a bit and found himself crying again. He’d messed up. He’d messed up for good. He hadn’t followed the script, he’d allowed himself to be weak, and now Janus would never talk to him again.

Roman didn’t even bother to practice that night. He curled up in his bed and listened to his playlist of breakup songs and cried his eyes out. By morning, his face was red and blotchy and the searing pain in his heart had turned to a dull ache. He wasn’t ready to face the other sides by any means, of course, but he felt a little more prepared to accept his fate.

So when he heard a hesitant knock on his door and a “Kiddo, can you come downstairs for a bit?” Roman braced himself and obeyed the order.

He immediately stiffened when he saw all five of the Sides, plus Thomas, sitting in the living room. Great. Thomas was here. He could be told by his Center that he was useless. All he’d ever dreamed of.

“You okay?” Patton asked. “If--if you just want to talk to one of us, or only some of us, that’s fine. Just say the word, kiddo.”

“It’s fine,” Roman said, even though it wasn’t. “Where do I sit?”

Virgil gestured at the middle of the couch. Roman slowly sat down, surrounded by the people he used to call friends, the same organization as movie nights. As all the fake scenarios he’d run. He felt so unprepared now, so naked, laid bare for everyone to see. He hadn’t even bothered to make sure his face was clear. At least he wasn’t panicking. He just felt numb and adrift.

“Greetings,” Roman said, smiling at everyone.

“Roman,” Janus said, and Roman flinched.

“We need to talk,” Thomas said, and Roman nodded. He knew.

“Clearly there are some things we need to sort out.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “About last night, and, well, the past few months.”

Roman swallowed. “I’m sorry. I’m--I’m so sorry.”

“What?” Virgil frowned. “What’re you sorry for? We were gonna say that we were sorry.”

Roman lost his train of thought. “What?” he finally stammered, looking around for a clue.

“We’re sorry,” Thomas said. “Clearly you’ve been hurting and angry with us, and we assumed that would change on its own if we gave you time, but--”

“It just made things worse.” Patton smiled softly. “So...we’re sorry. Really sorry.”

“You’re sorry,” Roman repeated blankly. “All of you?”

“I know it doesn’t mean much.” Roman looked to Logan, who was fidgeting with his tie, staring at his feet. “But we hope we can make up for...mistakes. We might have made. Prior.”

“That episode was not ideal,” Janus said. “And despite my anger, I should not have said the things I did. So yes. We are sorry. I am sorry.”

“I’m not apologizing,” Remus said from where he was sandblasting a sculpture of male anatomy. “Didn’t do anything wrong. But seriously bro, you’re acting really freaky and not in the fun way, so yeah. Talk it out or whatever.”

“Thanks, Remus,” Patton said, and he actually sounded thankful.

“I--” Roman regretted opening his mouth the moment all heads swung back towards him. “What?”

“Um, we’re sorry?” Virgil gave him a weird look. “Thought we made it pretty clear, Princey.”

Roman looked at each of them. They all looked sincere. They all watched him with varying degrees of concern and apologetic hesitation. Their eyes burned into his skin. He felt like he was floating off the couch. He dug his hands into the fabric but he couldn’t feel it between his fingers.

“I...I forgive you,” he said slowly, the movements of his mouth not matching the words. Why did everything feel like it was underwater? Why did everything seem so far away? He tried to figure out whether he was breathing. Yes, he was breathing, his chest kept contracting. He didn’t feel like he was breathing.

Something was wrong. Something was wrong, something was wrong, something was wrong--

“Roman?” Logan asked. Stood up. Stepped forward.

Roman pressed himself back against the couch.

Logan stopped. Held up his hands. Did Roman look scared? Was Roman scared? Maybe. He should be, he knew that, but everything was spinning.

Was he breathing?

No. He wasn’t breathing. He tried to take a deep breath but it turned out he had been breathing all along, and now his chest hurt. His heartbeat pounded in his ears.

Virgil was saying something. Roman flinched away from him. He didn’t want to get yelled at. Not yet. He just needed some time to remember how to move. He’d moved a second ago. Why wasn’t it working now?

“Roman!” cut through the haze in his mind. Virgil was sitting in front of him. That was weird. Virgil had been on top of the couch a second ago, right?

“Breathe,” Virgil was repeating. He reached for Roman’s hand and Roman flinched away involuntarily. A little spasm of hurt crossed Virgil’s face. Ugh, he’d made Virgil upset, stupid, stupid--

“Breathe, Roman, breathe!”

He was breathing, why couldn’t they see that? He was breathing fine.

“I’m fine,” Roman forced out. It felt like a punch in the stomach. And all of a sudden, everything fell back into place. His hands, clenching around the couch for dear life. His knees pressed together. His shoulders tensed. Virgil sitting near him, trying to get him to breathe, Janus and Logan and Patton and Thomas staring at him, shocked and worried.

“You’re not,” Virgil said.

Roman tried to fight back.

But he hadn’t been breathing this whole time.

And his chest was too tight to form words.

“Breathe,” Virgil said again, and Roman closed his eyes and breathed.

It hurt. It shouldn’t hurt this much to breathe. It shouldn’t make his head spin and his eyes water. But he breathed. He breathed in and out and let the air fill him up, travel to every corner of his body. He could feel everything now. Everything was real. Everything was too real, grating on him, pressing down around him. He could feel a million things. The air smelled like a million scents.

That exercise. Name five things, four things, three things. He felt everything. He heard everything. He tasted too much.

Everything was way too much.

It took too much effort to raise a hand.

He sunk out.

He crept into the Imagination, white upon white, nothing there but possibility and emptiness. He sat there and let the itchy wrong pour out of him, until he was wrung out on the floor, empty and exhausted. He curled up on the ground and slept. He could have gone to his bed, but he didn’t want the choking cover of sheets over him, the rustles of air around him. Here in the Imagination, it was quiet and still and he could just wait.

When he woke up, he’d crafted the living room in his head while he slept, because there was everyone right before he’d sunk out. Concerned and frozen and helpless. They were just trying to help, and he’d panicked for no reason.

Although. Now that he was awake, the whole situation was just weird. They were apologizing. To him. Why? Why on earth would they try to apologize? And why had Roman felt so off-kilter from the start? Why was everything so wrong?

Unless--

It hadn’t really happened.

Roman looked around at the facsimile he’d created. Down to the smallest details, it was perfect. He wouldn’t be able to tell the difference if he looked at it and the real room side-by-side.

It hadn’t happened, had it?

Roman didn’t know why that felt like such a blow. Of course it hadn’t happened. Why would it? There had been no signs of it happening before then, and it didn’t match what any of the Sides really thought of him. They wouldn’t apologize to him. They’d done nothing wrong! And they wouldn’t have been so scared and worried when Roman freaked out.

Great. His subconscious was desperate for validation and made him a nice little scenario. He didn’t realize he was that much of a pathetic, selfish, greedy mess.

But this was good! It meant there wouldn’t be any humiliation or strange looks when he returned to the real world. He could continue maintaining his facade, and none of them would judge him for his weakness. Or worse, feel forced to tolerate him out of pity.

Roman’s stomach growled. Well, fantastic. He didn’t want to face the Sides again, but he’d probably faint if he didn’t have any food. Was it even breakfast time? Maybe not. Time was an illusion anyway.

Well. He climbed to his feet, vanished the living room, and stretched his arms and legs. Then he tore a little door in the side of the Imagination and strolled into his own room. He checked himself in the mirror. He looked surprisingly good for someone who just had a breakdown surrounded by manufactured figments of his imagination that resembled the other Sides.

The kitchen wasn’t empty like he’d hoped. Patton and Logan were having a hushed conversation, Janus was occasionally adding to it while fixing up several mugs of tea, and Remus and Virgil were sprawled on the floor together, watching what seemed to be Coraline on Virgil’s phone. It was really sweet. Roman smiled to himself as he walked in, stepping carefully over Remus’ feet.

Patton and Logan froze as soon as Roman walked in. Janus looked around and almost dropped the mugs.

“Hello!” Roman said brightly, opening the cupboard and grabbing some cereal. “Sorry to disturb you, I’m just getting some cereal. Carry on!”

Virgil made a small choking noise. Roman looked over and saw that he was struggling to his feet, staring at Roman with wide eyes.

“What is it?” Roman asked after a few seconds when it became clear Virgil wasn’t going to talk. “Is there something wrong?”

“Where have you been?” everyone yelled simultaneously.

Roman blinked. “Oh? I--how long have I been gone? I truly didn’t mean for it to be that long. Is there something I missed?”

“We were so worried!” Patton was babbling, running up to Roman and looking him over. “You just sunk out, and we couldn’t find you anywhere, and Remus said you weren’t letting him into the Imagination, and--”

“What?” Roman asked. “When did I sink out?”

“Yesterday,” Logan said. “After our conversation in the living room? You appeared distressed and sunk out before we could continue it.”

“Our conversation in the--” Roman froze. He thought he’d left the Imagination behind! Had he only fooled himself into leaving? Had he just sliced through one layer and tumbled into another, tossed between different pages of a book? Perhaps he was still dreaming, even. No, even his lucid dreaming wasn’t as realistic as this.

“Roman?” Patton asked, reaching forward but stopping himself, the concern painfully obvious in his face.

“Cut,” Roman murmured, waiting for the scene to change.

Nothing happened.

“What did you say?” Logan asked, frowning.

“Nothing,” Roman blurted out, stepping backwards. He tried to mentally tear the scene apart, go back to the start, rewind, pause, anything. There was no movement. All the Sides continued to stare at him.

There was something wrong. Why wasn’t the Imagination answering him? It was attuned to his every thought, molded by assumption and creation, a place where Roman was in complete control. It wouldn’t just not listen to him. Unless--

Unless this was real after all.

Which meant...

“We talked yesterday,” Roman said slowly, gauging the reactions. “That was real?”

“What?” Virgil asked. “Of course it was real, what are you talking about?”

It was real.

He’d really been in that room. They’d really apologized to him. And he’d really had a breakdown on the couch in front of everyone he knew.

“Wonderful,” Roman said. “Fantastic. Amazing. I have to go.”

“Wait,” Janus said.

Roman did not wait. He turned on his heel and practically sprinted out of the kitchen. Cereal be damned. He should have sunk out, but his thoughts were too fragmented to picture his own room, and he was afraid that the shifting of worlds around him would throw him off again. He’d just managed to get a handle on reality. He wasn’t in a mood to mess with it.

That was his mistake, though. Because as he bolted down the hallway, a figure collided with his chest and sent him to the ground.

“What--” Roman rubbed his shoulder and stared up at Remus. Remus stuck out his tongue, hands on his hips. Two octopus tentacles wrapped around Roman’s chest and held him in place.

“Remus!” Roman cried in annoyance.

“Got him!” Remus yelled.

There were footsteps behind him. Roman looked around and saw the other Sides approaching. He tried to wriggle out of Remus’ grasp, then tried to sink out, but the stupid slimy tentacles kept him in place.

“Let me go,” Roman complained as a bit of goop slipped down his leg.

“Only if you promise not to run again, bro.”

Roman sighed. “Promise. Now let me go.”

The tentacles made a little slurping noise and disappeared into Remus’ back. Roman jumped up and started wiping the slime off his uniform. Ugh, it was a mess. He’d need to conjure a new costume now! Yes, he could just snap the stains away, but he’d still feel the uncleanness in his soul.

“Disgusting,” Roman said as his fingers came away green and slippery. “Seriously. Did you have to do that?”

“You high-tailed it the heck out of there,” Patton said apologetically. “And we really need to talk.”

Roman bit his lip. “Yeah. I--I know.”

“Do you think...” Logan looked around. “Speaking in the hallway is not an optimal place. Perhaps we should go to the living room.”

“Or the real world.” Virgil curled into himself the moment everyone looked his direction. “What? I think Thomas should be there.”

Roman flinched at the mention of Thomas, and now all eyes were on him again, cloying and cloaking him in concern.

“Not if you don’t want to,” Virgil added. “Duh.”

“I--sure.” It would hurt to see Thomas, to have Thomas finally condemn him, but it was best to get everything out of the way at once. Like ripping off a bandaid or the sword from the stone. “That works for me.”

“Is he busy?” Patton asked.

“He’s watching Parks and Recreation,” Janus said. “Honestly, I think we’ll be doing him a favor by interrupting.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Logan said firmly. “This is important.”

Roman swallowed down the lump of ice in his throat. Yeah, he supposed it was important. They’d finally seen how weak and worthless his Creativity was, and they needed to decide what to do immediately, before Roman’s problems affected Thomas’ creative performance.

“Glad we’re decided.” Janus clapped his hands. Half of them rose up in the living room and the other half appeared in the living room. Roman was in his usual spot by the crooked lamp, Virgil stood by the stairs, Logan in front of the kitchen, Patton by the blinds. Remus sprawled on the floor near Roman and Janus stood by the sofa.

“Thomas?” Logan asked.

Thomas, true to Janus’ word, had been watching Parks and Recreation. When Logan called his name, he paused the TV, jumping up.

“Hey, guys!” Thomas said. “What’s the matter? Thought we didn’t have that filming session until later.”

Virgil winced. “Yeah. Um. There’s...there’s a bit of a...situation?”

“A what?” Thomas looked around and seemed to finally see the serious looks on everyone’s faces. “What happened?”

“Who’d like to tell him?” Janus asked, his eyes lingering on Roman. A clear invitation.

"I--” Roman’s voice cracked, and he swallowed. “I can regale him with the tale, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Go for it, kiddo.” Patton’s usual encouraging smile was nowhere to be found. It made Roman feel strangely empty.

Roman could easily tell a lie. Leave things out. But Janus was staring right at him, so he knew even a lie of omission would be detected.

And besides, they deserved to know just how much of a screwup he was.

“So.” Roman placed a hand on his chest. “I, as the prince of your dreams, possess a land known as the Imagination. It is a place where I can conjure creations and sift through stories until an idea sticks. Remus has his own version.”

“Damn straight,” Remus agreed, sticking a lollipop up his nose. “Mine has all the cool stuff. Roman just uses his for rescue missions and heroic quests or whatever.”

“They’re fun,” Roman argued, before he remembered talking back was not the way to handle any conversation. Thankfully, Remus seemed occupied with shoving the lollipop nearer to his brain, and didn’t fight him on it.

“Well, yes, that’s the general idea,” Roman continued, turning back to the others. “I also use it, sometimes, to practice. Run through scenarios. A rehearsal of sorts before any big discussion.”

“Like what we did after I missed Joan’s performance?” Thomas asked.

“Exactly! That was what gave me the idea, actually.” Roman waved a hand. “It helps me feel more in control of the situation and avoid messing things up. I can predict how you will all react and find the best way to navigate a conversation.”

“Okay,” Virgil said slowly, “I can already predict where this might go wrong, but keep talking.”

“Then, you know, we had...” Roman scratched at the back of his neck. “The most recent episode. In which I said some rather unsavory and unprincely things to our snaky sixth side, which I am truly and deeply sorry for.”

“You’re forgiven,” Janus said almost instantly. Everyone stared at him. “What?” he asked. “It’s been months. Roman was upset and lashed out, I understand he didn’t mean to hurt me. Quite honestly, I was more concerned that he hadn’t forgiven me.”

Roman tried to hide his complete and utter shock. He didn’t realize Janus was such a good person as to feel guilty for that! Well, Janus needed all the Sides to tolerate him in order to help Thomas, that was probably the reason.

“Of course I’ve forgiven you!” Roman declared. “You were upset and you fired back, and the jab was not uncalled for. You have nothing to be sorry about.”

Janus frowned slightly.

“Anyway,” Roman said, looking back at Thomas. “After that, I started practicing more often, and...I began losing track of time? Also, being exposed to that amount of rejection a day was--draining. My creative processes have suffered thanks to the amount of time I’ve spent improving my interpersonal expertise. So I apologize for that, deeply and sincerely. I promise I’ll be on-track soon--”

“Wait.” Logan looked deep in thought. “What do you mean, ‘that amount of rejection?’”

“Oh.” Virgil winced. “Knew it was gonna be something like that.”

“What?” Patton asked.

“Okay, Princey. Tell me if this sounds familiar.” Virgil blew his bangs out of his eyes. “You’re basically running through worse-case scenarios. Sure, you tell yourself they’re all accurate, but they’re the worst kind of accurate. They’re the stuff that wouldn’t actually happen. Probably on some level you get that it’s completely ridiculous to think you’d ever get that response or be in that situation, but it still seems plausible, so you keep doing it. And you start overthinking every little choice until you’re convinced you’re doomed to failure and think everyone hates you even though in real life, everyone thinks you’re great.”

Roman stared at Virgil for a very long time. There was a lot to unpack there. “How did you--”

“I’m literally Anxiety,” Virgil said, smirking. “That’s exactly what I do. Like every day.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound healthy,” Patton murmured.

“No, it isn’t,” Virgil said, giving Roman a pointed look. “Anyway. Continue.”

“Um. Alright.” Roman braced himself. “So I was having the conversation with the other Sides and you and I may-have-not-known-whether-it-was-real-or-not-and-it-was-rather-terrifying.”

“What happened?” Thomas asked quietly.

“He had a panic attack,” Logan said. It could have been blunt, but it wasn’t. It was hesitant and soft, softer than Roman had ever heard Logan be, save for when Virgil was upset.

Thomas looked at Roman, and Roman pointedly stared at the floor, clasping his hands behind his back and trying not to bounce nervously.

“He’s been acting strangely for a while,” Janus added. Again, his voice was strangely soft. “It would...it would make sense, his apprehension whenever we talked to him, if Virgil’s theory is correct and he’s worried that we hate him.”

Roman frowned. “Wait, you don’t?”

That got everyone’s attention. Roman’s stomach dropped to the floor as Patton made a little sad noise, Virgil grimaced, and Logan stepped back like he’d been punched.

“No!” Thomas exclaimed. “Of course not!”

Roman laughed a little, waiting for the punch line. None came.

“We don’t hate you!” Patton managed, his eyes filling with tears. “Oh my goodness, Roman, we love you!”

“You’re fun to stab,” Remus said from the floor. “And, like, fun. In general.”

“You’re intelligent and thoughtful and creative...” Logan waved his hands. “I envy you and your ability to fight for your ideas and create such impactful stories. I have always valued you.”

“You’re...” Virgil swallowed. “You make us better. Make me better. Always.”

“I--” Roman covered his mouth. “You’re lying. You can’t--”

“I can taste lies, remember?” Janus smiled at Roman, a smile so different than his usual smirk, reassuring and steady. “They’re not.”

Roman couldn’t stop a little whimper from escaping. “I didn’t mess up?”

“No,” Thomas said, face open and caring and so, so soft. “You’re still you. You’re not perfect, but none of us are. You’re clearly so remorseful about your mistakes. Roman...you’re my hero. Always have been, always will be.”

Roman tried to take a deep breath and steady himself, but it caught in his throat. “You--” He shook his head and found words spilling from his lips. “I thought I ruined everything, you said I did, you said I was selfish and evil and worthless and I should just duck out and--”

“We never said any of that.” Logan shook his head. “We would never say any of that. Those are blatant falsehoods.”

“That’s not us,” Virgil said. “That’s what you were telling yourself.”

“The Imagination isn’t realistic.” Remus gave Roman a long look. “Never has been. It’s not what life is really like. It’s always warped by how we see the world. So basically, Raggedy Ann is right. That stuff you thought we’d say to you? Total bull. You unreliable-narrator-ed yourself, bro-bro.” Remus smiled a little bit. “Happens to the best of us.”

“You’re amazing.” Patton’s jaw was set. “You’re wonderful and special and worth the world. I love you. We love you and we need you here. And--and I’m so sorry we didn’t see you were hurting.”

“It’s not your fault,” Roman said. “I’ve always been a good actor, right?”

That got another long silence.

“Kiddo,” Patton said, “would you like a hug?”

“What?” Roman asked.

“A hug,” Patton clarified, but that didn’t make any more sense. Why would Patton want to hug Roman?

“Hugs have been scientifically proven to increase mood,” Logan added.

Thomas just opened his arms.

Roman stumbled forward, waiting for Thomas to pull away from him, but nothing happened.

Roman sunk into Thomas’ arms.

Warm. Fire. Burning up and down his skin, heating him up from the inside. Roman buried his face in Thomas’ shoulder as Thomas’ arms came up and circled Roman. Thomas rubbed at Roman’s back. Roman whined--embarrassing, but it felt so good.

And then there was more. Patton, wrapping around his waist and pressing his cheek into Roman’s sash. Logan, running his hands through Roman’s hair. Virgil, curling up into Roman’s side and pressing against his chest. Remus, a little exuberant but surprisingly gentle, ruffling Roman’s hair and placing his head on Roman’s shoulder. A gloved hand traced Roman’s cheek, and Roman reached up to hold it. Janus smiled back at him.

“Guys, you--” Roman choked on his own words and realized he was going to cry. Great. Just what the moment needed--Roman ruining it by being sensitive--

“Hey.” Thomas squeezed him tighter. “It’s okay, Roman. Let it out.”

“Really?” Roman asked, his voice small.

“You seem to need it,” Logan said.

“So go ahead.” Virgil smiled. “No judgement here.”

Roman closed his eyes and a few hot tears dripped down his face. He took a deep, shaky breath. Then Janus ran a thumb across his cheekbone, burning and soft, and Roman broke. He sobbed into Thomas’ shoulder, holding onto his friends--his friends--for dear life. Patton made a few little encouraging noises, and Thomas whispered little things. It’s alright. It’s okay. You’re safe, we’re real, we love you.

Roman grasped on the words like they were his lifelines.

He didn’t really believe them. Not yet. But oh, how he wanted to.

“We should...” Logan said after a long time, after Roman’s tears had long dried but he’d remained in the hug to soak up the warmth. “We need to talk about this. We need to...make a plan. Find out how to be better.”

“Later.” That was Janus. “For now, I think we could all use a movie night.”

Virgil snorted. “It’s like ten in the morning.”

“Movie morning, then.” Janus looked to Thomas. “Does that sound good?”

“It sounds great.” Thomas smiled as Patton snapped his fingers and onesies replaced their usual outfits. Even Logan was wearing his unicorn onesie. “What do you guys want to watch?”

“Uh--” Roman waved a hand hesitantly. “Um. Can I--”

“Go ahead,” Patton said.

“I’d...I’d like to watch Hamilton? I...I knew--I thought. I thought you wouldn’t like it if I sang, and I, um. I didn’t enjoy it that much.”

“Neither did we,” Virgil said. “Missed having you rapping along.”

“That sounds adequate,” Logan said, flashing Roman a smile and leading the way to the couch. “I’ll get it ready. Thomas, some snacks?”

Thomas walked into the kitchen with Patton, and they pulled some snacks out of the cupboard. Roman sat down with Logan, Remus, Virgil, and Janus. Virgil sat by his shoulder and pressed his leg against Roman’s side. Janus lay a hand on Roman’s. Remus lay across Roman’s feet. And Logan bumped shoulders with Roman. The touch was warm and fiery and made Roman want to giggle uncontrollably. So he did, just a bit. Nobody seemed to mind.

Thomas and Patton came back with snacks, distributing them. Logan turned on the TV. And the first lines of Hamilton started to play.

It took Roman three songs to work up the courage to sing along. When he did, Patton’s smile lit up the room. Janus dipped lower to harmonize. Virgil huffed happily. Remus clapped his hands. And Logan consented to add a few notes in, here and there.

Thomas just stared at Roman, and for once, the attention wasn’t stifling. Because for once, Roman knew he wouldn’t be judged.

“This is real,” he whispered to no one. “Right?”

"It’s real, Princey.” Virgil reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “We’ve got you.”

Roman smiled.

And for the first time in months, he felt at peace.

Taglist (ask to be included or removed!):

@the17thmeatball

@most-likely-fandom

@csi-baker-street-babes

@caffeinated-cryptid

@thefivecalls

@ollyollyoxinfree

@the-gay-is-back

Taglist as sourced from @the-taglist-repository:

@k1ngtok1 @just-your-typical-trans-guy @itsabsurd-and-terrifying @cottonwoolsocks @idont-freaking-know @hitmewiththatfanart33 @legendsgates @nonasficcollection @enby-phoenix @evoodo123  @hekking-happy-nonsense @demoniccheese83  @rainbowbowtie @10moonymhrivertam @katelynn-a-fan @dwbh888 @royal-stormcloud @ananonsplace @brain-deadx0 @the-grounded-raven @grouptalekindnesssoul @the-hoely-bleach @anvil527up @fanficloverinthesun @smileyzs @robinwritesshitposts @thatgaydemigodnerd @callboxkat @potatsanderssides @just-a-random-enb  @demoniccheese83 @somehow-i-got-an-account @silverobsidion-speaks  @a-fandom-trashdump 

#yes i did just see the hamilfilm and yes i am projecting my excitement onto roman #it made me happy in my soul #averywrites #sanders sides #roman sanders #roman angst #platonic dlamprt #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #roman sanders fanfiction #ts roman angst #tw anxiety #tw panic attack #tw self-hatred #tw disassociation #sympathetic janus sanders #sympathetic remus sanders #sympathetic logan sanders #sympathetic patton sanders #sympathetic roman sanders #sympathetic virgil sanders

[naminethewriter]

Zombies

Day 6! I’m catching up! 😉 But I have to help my sister move later, so I’ll probably won’t get to Day 7 today, but that’s okay 🤷‍♀️ I hope meanwhile you enjoy this little thing. 💛💚 @dukeceitweek

Here on Ao3

Masterpost | Dukeceit Week 2021 Masterpost

Characters: Janus, Remus

Relationship: platonic Dukeceit

Rating: T

Words: 434

Summary: Remus is bored, time to annoy Janus with hypotheticals.

“Hey, J-anus! Who, out of the six of us, do you think would survive the longest during a zombie outbreak?”

 “Why do you ask?”

 “Just ‘cause!”

“Let me ask you differently. Why should I care?”

 “’Cause I’m booooooooooored! Humour me, double dick.”

 “Don’t call me thhhhat!”

 “But you have two.”

 “Irrelevant. Go bother someone else.”

 “Don’t wanna!”

 “Remussssss…”

 “J-anusssssss.”

 “…”

 “…”

 “You won’t leave me alone until I answer, right!”

 “Spot on, noodle boy.”

 “Ugh, fine.”

 “Yay!”

 “Let me think… Logan or me, I’d guess.”

 “Makes sense. What about the rest?”

 “Roman dies first, then Patton, then Virgil and then you.”

 “Why Roman first?”

 “Because he would try to protect everyone and die saving someone.”

 “Oh yeah, that hero act of his may get him killed… So why Patton in second?”

 “Obviously, he’s too nice. And just as self-sacrificing as Roman. Most likely he’ll be the one to try and help the zombies, or other people or a kitten or something, get attacked and Roman tries to save him. If Patton doesn’t die in that situation, he’s going to be so guilt ridden, it’ll make him even more careless.”

 “Okay, so far I follow, but why do you think Virgil would die before me? He is fight or flight. Isn’t he literally Thomas’ survival instinct?”

 “Sure but he doesn’t handle stressful situations well. Though you make a good point, I guess it depends on how well he would process the other two dying. If he breaks down, he’s almost as good as dead, if he doesn’t he might have the best chance of survival out of all of us. But Patton is his best support system and if he’s gone, I don’t know if Logan could keep him from spiralling.”

 “So Virgil’s our wild card?”

 “No, that’s still you. The only reason that I think you might survive so long is that you can be quite lucky. You would take stupid risks and some would work out, I’m sure, but one of them is going to get you killed.”

 “That’s fair.”

 “Of course it is. I know you way too well.”

 “Yeah you do~”

 “Stop that.”

 “Pffff. So why you and Logan last?”

 “We are both pragmatic, calm in stressful situations and, most of all, we think things through before we act.”

 “I think you give yourself too much credit there, snakey. You can act all calm but once a plan starts falling apart, so do you.”

 “Shut up, I do not.”

 “Yeah, you totally do. Just think of after the courtroom, you got all red and angry-“

 “SHUT UP!”

 “AHAHAHA!”

 “GET BACK HERE, YOU RAT!”

#namiswriting #my writing #dukeceitweek2021 #day 6: horror/comedy #platonic dukeceit #tss janus #janus sanders #tss remus #remus sanders #discussions of death #hypothetical zombie outbreak #they're just being idiots together #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #reblogs are appreciated

[spicycreativity]

Intertwined - Chapter 1

Rating: Teen

Content Warnings: It's a hanahaki fic, so. Mild body horror, blood, respiratory illness. (Starts at Ch 3 and gets worse from there).

Characters: All

Pairing: Moceit

Additional Notes: This one was supposed to be Darker and Longer, but turns out I'm not in the headspace to write angst atm, so it ends up moving p fast. Swaps between Janus and Patton's POVs. Post-PoF, light angst. Not whump. They both get hanahaki, but there is absolutely no version of Moceit in my mind where Janus isn't the one who falls first. My AO3 username is WizatdGlick.

Summary: The story of how Janus and Patton find each other at rock bottom and fall in love anyway.

A gentle knock on Janus' door drew him out of his thoughts. He donned a mask of triumph as he rose to open it, straightening his hat as he went. It couldn't be Remus; Remus never knocked so softly, which meant that Janus had to perform. He slid into the role with difficulty, struggling to find the edges of this gloating persona when all he felt was numb and tired and lost.

It was Patton at the door, and Janus felt everything slip, and Patton's eyes lit up with recognition, and all of Janus' resolve fell away in the face of that beseeching gaze.

"Come for another debate?" Janus asked in a low voice, making no effort to hide his ironical smile.

Patton smiled too, though he dropped it a moment too soon. Janus got the distinct impression that Patton was also far too wrung-out to put on any kind of act tonight. "Just came to check on you."

It would be as natural as breathing for Janus to draw back, place his fingertips delicately to his chest, widen his eyes. ' Check on me?' he would say, all faux-innocence, ' Please, Patton, I'm not a child. I don't need your pity.'

But he didn't.

Here was Patton, reaching out, and hadn't that been what Janus had wanted all along? That tiny, fervent flame that he hadn't allowed himself to acknowledge, that smallest ember of hope that someone might just give him what he was convinced he had to take.

The seconds stretched out until the silence verged on awkward, and Janus' pride stood up to do what his cunning would not: "I'm fine." He was fine, strangely. Not happy, as he perhaps should have been, but nothing hurt.

Patton's brow furrowed. "Am I supposed to believe that?" he asked gently.

Something warm and soft and dangerous bloomed in Janus' chest at Patton's look of confusion. He had freckles on his nose, scattered like spilled cinnamon: a trait assigned by Thomas’ subconscious. "Patton," Janus said, flicking his gaze upwards to meet Patton's eyes. "Would you like to come in?"

"To your room ?" Patton asked, eyes widening. He looked past Janus' shoulder and Janus fought not to move and block Patton's gaze with his body. He had just invited Patton in; there was no point getting shy now. "Won't that, y'know, do something to me?"

"It's just a matter of self-control," Janus said, hoping to get a smile out of Patton.

Sure enough, Patton did smile. "What color is my shirt?"

Janus said, "True blue," and stepped backwards to let Patton in.

It was a risk to bring someone into his room like this, but he felt unusually clear-headed tonight, calm and strangely secure despite the fact he had just let a known enemy past his defenses, and despite the exhaustion that made every breath feel heavy.

"Warm in here," Patton remarked, looking around.

Janus motioned him over to a set of armchairs. To be seen was to be judged, and he wasn't sure what he would do if Patton found him lacking again . "I have a question for you, Patton."

In the low light, the tear tracks on Patton's cheeks glimmered when he tilted his head inquisitively. "You do?"

Janus nodded, slow and calculated. He was sure he already knew the answer to the question, and preemptive anger bubbled thick and hot in his veins. "Who," he said, unable to keep from glaring, "came to check on you?"

"Well," said Patton, "Ah… They don't-- Everyone's upset right now--"

"And you're not?" Janus demanded. "And don't you dare tell me that you're fine." His emotions were running too hot; he needed to check himself, but seeing Patton make excuses filled him with a passion he'd only ever felt on Thomas' behalf.

"I am--"

"Don't."

"But I have to be," Patton whispered. "I can't-- I know they told me… They said it was okay for me to be sad, but--"

"If you fall apart, there's no one there to pick up the pieces," Janus guessed. "Sure, you can be sad, as long as it doesn't interfere with your role."

"Don't be mad at them," Patton pleaded, and Janus realized with a jolt that he would get into no one's good graces by slinging around insults.

"It's just hard," Janus said plainly, only half-noticing the words coming out of his mouth. He had just become aware of a keen and sickening new desire, borne on the back of a newfound respect for Patton that he had even lasted this long without having some sort of spectacular breakdown. Janus' whole chest ached with it, that and the equally sickening knowledge that he had just become horrifically vulnerable, that he had fallen under a spell he could never hope to break.

He saw it in his mind's eye: he saw himself stand and lean over, take Patton's jaw in his hands, kiss him long and deep and slow. He saw himself lay his body and soul bare before Patton, getting on his knees to forgive Patton all his perceived flaws. He meant well, after all. He only ever meant well, and it wasn't really his fault that those good intentions were capable of morphing into a cruel and deadly weapon.

But he would plunge that weapon straight into Janus' heart before their lips could ever even meet. Janus could see it now, Patton pulling away in confusion and disgust. His tenuous patience would give out then and there, and Janus would have no hope of acceptance ever again. Same for Remus, probably. They would remain Dark Sides forever, damned to be eternal outcasts. All thanks to Janus' pathetic inability to control himself.

"Why do you care so much about…" Patton hesitated for a moment and gave a shallow sigh. "Well, about me?"

And now Janus found himself walking a chasm’s edge. His instinct was to lean hard into the opposite of the truth and insult Patton so deeply that he left and never came back. Eliminate the threat. But that wasn't an option now of all times. No, he had to maintain a friendship with Patton, somehow. He had to keep himself under control. How fun. "You're a part of Thomas," Janus said. He paused.

"So are the others."

"You've earned my respect."

"Oh," said Patton. "Wow, um. Gosh, that's…" His lower lip trembled. "I should go," he said in a broken voice.

Janus surveyed him in silent agony, teetering on the precipice of a lie. With a monumental effort, he pulled himself away from it and opened his arms. "Come here."

The floodgates opened. Patton fell into Janus' lap, already sobbing. Janus held him, all his muscles stiff and awkward. He was much smaller in the mindscape than he was in Thomas’ eyes and it was difficult to support Patton’s much larger frame. A sharp pain flared in Janus’ collarbone where Patton had buried his forehead and his tears were already starting to seep through Janus' clothes. He cringed at himself and the absurdity of the situation, wishing he had some way to make it better. He should have had words for this, all the right words to soothe away Patton's worries and set him right again. But he was so tired.

"I'm s-s-sorry," Patton said through shuddering sobs that dug his forehead harder into Janus' clavicle.

"It's okay," Janus said, concentrating hard on keeping the effects of his room at bay.

"Are you--" Patton sniffled " --sure you're okay?"

A rush of affection melted Janus' heart and he sighed and held Patton closer despite the shooting pain in his collarbone and the ache in his arms. Even in the midst of a post-breakdown breakdown, Patton was self-sacrificing (self- destructive) enough to check in on him. "You don't have a selfish bone in your body, do you?" Janus sighed, lamenting Patton’s bleeding heart. For some reason, this only made Patton cry harder. Janus cast his mind back to the last time Remus was this upset, found nothing, had to speculate. He and Remus and Virgil were self-sufficient, secretive. When it came to personal crises, they weathered them alone and bore the aftermath in stoicism. "Do you want me to play with your hair?"

"I don't know," Patton sobbed into Janus' chest.

Janus sighed and began to run his fingers through Patton's honey-colored hair, grateful that the thick material of his gloves kept their skin from touching. It was better this way, and a good reminder for Janus. He guarded his heart so closely for a reason.

 

Janus, despite the discomfort from the awkward weight distribution and the clammy feeling of cooled tears on his shirt, was half-asleep in the chair by the time Patton stopped crying.

"Sorry," Patton said, pulling away, and even with snot and tears all over his flushed cheeks, even with his eyes all red and puffy behind his fogged-up glasses and his hair standing up at strange diagonals from Janus' attempts at comfort, he was radiant.

"For having feelings?" Janus asked, gently imaging himself into a new, dry shirt.

"For making them your problem." Patton took his glasses off and began to polish them on the hem of his own shirt.

"Patton, I need you to know this." Janus waited until Patton looked at him before continuing, "I owe you nothing. If I had wanted you to leave, I would have asked you to leave and thought nothing of it."

Patton nodded and went back to polishing his glasses. They were silent for a long moment, during which Janus found himself unable to suppress a series of yawns. It must have been around 4:00 in the morning by this point. They had to have been the only ones awake.

"Hey, Janus," Patton said, finally putting his glasses back on. "You know The Breakfast Club?"

"Yes," Janus said distractedly, trying to figure out where Patton was going with this.

"This wasn't our version of that, was it?"

"What do you mean?"

"When tomorrow comes and we're back to, to some sort of normal… You'll still be my friend, right?"

Now here was a situation Janus had never once envisioned for himself. He had pictured winning over Roman, had pictured gaining Thomas' support. Never once had he expected real friendship with any of them, let alone Patton. "Yes," he said, feeling sick at the irony of it. He had been comfortable as Patton's enemy, was now yearning for his kiss… How could he be friends with Patton when he burned like this for Patton's wholehearted affection? Was he really just supposed to endure it?

Patton smiled, so sweet and earnest that Janus had to bite down on his tongue. "Good," he said. "Speaking of, do you wanna have breakfast with me?"

"Not right now, I hope," Janus teased.

"No, no, not right now." Patton muffled a yawn into his sleeve. "I guess I'd better go."

Janus nodded. "See you in the morning?"

"Um," said Patton, who didn't appear to have been listening. "Thank you, Janus. You didn't have to-- Well, thank you."

He sank out without another word.

Janus imagined himself into his pajamas, imagined the lights off and threw himself onto his bed. "Fuck."

 

--

 

Frigid air seeped from the hallway seeped under the crack where Janus' door stopped just short of the carpet. He didn't allow himself to notice, and continued to put his outfit on piece by agonizing piece. The cold air made his joints slow and achy, and he struggled to get the clasps done up. It was just as well that he hadn't put on his gloves yet. He had become quite adept at handling things while wearing them, but for this task, the bulky fabric would only get in the way. After all, just like his singular snake fang, his gloves were for aesthetics, not function.

Finally, he donned his hat and faced the door, forced to confront that fatal truth: He could never have what he wanted. The moment he had achieved his goal of Thomas’ acceptance, the triumph had slipped away in his hands to be replaced with a truly unattainable goal.

Memories from last night, the phantom sensation of Patton in his arms, teased him until he had to sneer at himself. Pathetic. He was acting pathetic. Falling for Patton was strategically inadvisable, even if he couldn’t help it, but actively pursuing him was out of the question. It was all-risk, no reward. Still, his treacherous heart fluttered, teasing him with the thought of Patton’s lips on his own, Patton’s hands on his body, sharing heat, deepening the kiss--

“All risk,” Janus said out loud to himself, “no reward.” A mantra to see him through. He opened his door, his gloved hand slipping a little on the polished brass of his doorknob, and nearly walked straight into Remus as he passed by with an armful of dismembered dolls.

“Well,” said Janus, tilting his head to better examine the pile of plastic limbs and bodies in Remus’ arms, “I won’t ask what you’re up to.” He stifled a yawn behind his hand, visualizing a piping hot cup of coffee. A shudder wrecked his concentration and he frowned. “Are you the reason it’s so cold in here?”

Remus ignored the question, his feverish eyes darting from Janus’ mouth to his hand to his face. “I knew you were up late last night. That’s why I came this way.” He gave a crooked but strangely boyish grin. “I wanted to know where you’d gotten off to. Or who you’d gotten off with. ”

Janus, to his horror, blushed. Fragmented images flashed through his head-- What if he had kissed Patton? And Patton had kissed back? Mask, mask, mask! “I was spreading the Gospel.”

“You were spreading something , though, weren’t you?” Remus shifted the dolls in his arms and held up a masculine torso. “I know I heard Big Daddy’s voice. Play a little game of Patton- Snake , did you?”

Janus swore he could hear porcelain cracking as his heart began to race. “In all seriousness, Remus, we did reach an agreement.”

“Sounds like you reached more than that.” Remus waggled his tongue.

God, he was relentless when he was on the scent of something. Janus hid his face behind his hands, realizing a moment too late that this display of shame would only add fuel to the fire. So he took the only option left and muttered, “Boundaries,” into his palms.

“Oh,” said Remus, leaning back on his heels. “ Oh. Janus, you didn’t .”

“Of course we didn't!” Janus hissed, dropping his hands.

"But you wanted to?"

“How much did you hear yesterday, anyway?”

“Oh, I heard the whole debacle, including that heartwarming little moment at the end,” Remus said, rocking forward onto his toes. “Thanks for putting in a good word for me, by the way.”

They fell into an awkward silence as Janus once again reached for words that simply weren’t there. “I didn’t mean it,” he said finally, cursing himself.

“No?” said Remus. “Not even a teeny tiny little bit?” He poked Janus in the chest with the plastic torso, still clenched in his left hand. “Right here?”

“You,” said Janus, “are just as evil as I am.”

Remus backed off with a grin, leaving Janus in doubt that he had ever even been angry in the first place. “So where are you off to now? Roman’s got this place awfully cold; gonna go warm Patton’s snake?”

“You already made a ‘Patton snake’ joke,” Janus said, slamming another mask onto his face to hide his blush. “But to answer your question, he asked me to join him for breakfast.”

“Aww.” Remus wiped fake tears from his cheeks. “You better not start spending too much time with him or I’m going to get jealous.”

#moceit #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sorry if this shows up in the tag and catfishes the whumpers but i just wanted to say: #i specified that this isnt whump specifically because i DIDNT want to catfish y'all lmao #i just don't have it in me to hurt my babies that bad skhsjshf #anyway no judgement just not what this is #spicywrites #spicywrites intertwined

[babysizedfics]

Welcome back darlin’! - ight so Roman is Steven, energetic, optimistic & would fight for his fam [middle Roman could be SU:F?] - Logan could be Connie [level-headed, originally shy and introverted but becoming much more open] or Pearl [yknow, cause she’s the smart one] BUT I kinda do feel like Patton might be Pearl since they both very protective/always takin care of the others, also the low self-esteem and the need to care for others to have purpose. I’m still stuck with Vee tho ~💎

thank u uuu

WARNING spoilers for steven univers season 1

and !! i DEFINITELY agree with logan as connie , very level headed in emergencies disciplined but stil likes to relax and have fun , and YEA logan is very introverted and maybe shy around strangers

but i have to disagree with patton as pearl 🤔 i cant place why idk,, pearl is very high strung and patton is hmmm not relaxed per se but he finds games in everythin u know ?? i guess he would be closer to greg but not quite ,,,,, maybe .. ruby !

he is very emotional but he has the safety and happiness of others in his priority , he loses sight of the future kind of he is stuck im the moment becaus like when vee was temporarily NOT attached to him one day , he suddenly felt panicky that she wouldnt ever be attached to him again - also then i can imagine logan as sapphire :3 cgs make garnet

and i canot decide on roman waaaah i see what u mean about him being energetic but roman is definitely more hmm sassy than steven , he isnt as concerned with others wellbeing - not that roman is SELFISH but hes not really overly concerned with sacrificing himself for othwrs hmmm

OOO maybe roman is like jenny ??? (side note i completely forgot jenny has a twin too ) or even lars 👀 but like when hes gone through his character arc

and VEE IS SO HARD TO CATEGORISE either this means she isnt developed enough or shes TOO developed and canot be contained hahsjs /j

vee is maybe ,,,,,,,... peridot ????????? hmm nah idk

janus can be pearl maybe ... or maybe peridot but then waaah who is vee she is untameable

remy is buck dewey lol

((side note when i say their names i dont mean canon them i mean my versions of them in this fic))

#little/big su #asks #💎 anon

[coconut-cluster]

It's been a while since I've asked this, but, rambles? I'm thinking rambles on your ideas for the playlists. You;ve gotten a lot of asks about them! ~Rambles

i’m so excited people are actually interested in them lol!!! and of course i have rambles!

one thing that no one has mentioned so far is Brutus being on Remus’ playlist - it’s a very weird and unconventional “song” (it’s basically a monologue to music), and even though a main point is that Brutus is gender-swapped in the song, the majority of it is Brutus saying how Caesar doesn’t deserve the fame and adoration he’s received from the Roman people---

---and how, if Caesar is going to be famous, they (they for Brutus bc using she is confusing in the context of history lol) feel they deserve at least a portion of that fame, too. Very angsty creativitwins vibes yknow?

Also he last line is Brutus saying “they will call me Rex” which means king in Latin, and I don’t think I need to explain the creativitwins implications with that lol 

so much of Remus’ playlist for me is just happy songs with dark lyrics, because he’s so enthusiastic and bright while he talks about dark or disturbing things?? which is such a fun character archetype and DOUBLEY fun music genre 

there’s also songs like Creep and Icicles and Evelyn, Evelyn, which all have that theme of “You’re too much of me and I’m far too little of you” in the sense of comparison and individuality? if that makes sense? bc i love that creativitwins angst :)

Also the song Snow by Ricky Montgomery! Both the twins have a Ricky song, but Remus’, to me, feels a lot like someone criticizing and almost lamenting the darker and unfavorable parts of themselves and talking about how it affects their relationships and sense of self. 

^^ This song actually inspired that “in a parking lot, you can see the world cave in” Remus fic from a little bit ago!!

I feel like a lot of Roman’s songs are fairly straightforward lol 

although I will point out that his Ricky song is Mr. Loverman, which is (I think) about someone loving someone else so much and so hard that it kind of destroys them? And that kind of all-in, painfully deep, self-sacrificing love seems very Roman. 

JANUS!! Janus’ playlist is one that I really love, because I love that jazzy villainesque vibe he has!!! 

I’m trying to find more general songs and not just ones with that suave antagonist feel, but I honestly just love the idea that he enjoys the vintage villain aesthetic 

One of my favorites on there is Feast or Famine from Black Friday - Janus seems like he has that belief of if you want it, you should take it, because no one else is going to just step aside to let you have it

Patton’s playlist is (so far) a mix of slightly older upbeat hits (Don’t Stop Believing), hopeful and uplifting songs (On Top of the World, Sweet Pea), songs about learning to be happy/confident with yourself (Cat’s Meow (also a cat pun one bc he deserves it), Just a Simple Sponge), and slightly sadder but still hopeful songs (If I Fail You, Round and Round)

I’m gonna be honest, a lot of Virgil’s playlist is just the songs I wanted on his official one that didn’t make it (see: Mr. Brightside, Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, Black Sheep)

also some softer, quieter songs (Reasons Not to Die, Talk to Me, Boys Will Be Bugs) because as edgy and mean as he acts, Virgil is all of anxiety, and seems to have a lot of doubts about himself and his ability to help Thomas in life 

Logan!!! I’m having a little bit of trouble with Logan’s because I know he’d probably have more rhythmic, rap-ish music on there, and I don’t listen to a lot of that, but I like what I have so far!! 

Hold On probably seems a little out of place, but 1. I imagine it as him talking to the others, because he’s been the one to calm them down and encourage them on multiple occasions now, and 2. there’s a lot of sky and star references! 

also Ralsei’s Lullaby because Ralsei just kinda reminds me of him (and Patton, but the lullaby reminds me a lot of Lo for some reason)

Telescope gives me big Waving Through a Window vibes - I feel like Logan probably feels like he’s on the outskirts of conversations with the others a lot, more there for exposition than involvement :(

also the RAINFOREST RAP BECAUSE IT’S WHAT HE DESERVES

#ask #my playlists #janus sanders #remus sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #long post #Anonymous

[thetsxshibiscusanon]

Thomceit Hamilton AU Cast

Alrighty, here it is- the post about my Thomceit Hamilton AU that I took like three days to write, hoo boy-

Okay so, this is just the cast of the AU and also just going into some ship ramblings because if I got into the whole thing now, we’d be here for days- so let’s get on with it!

----

The Sanders Sides Characters Roles

~Just to clarify, I’m doing this TS Universe by TS Universe, because there’s a LOT of characters in both fandoms, so the cast are gonna be updated with each reblog~

Alexander Hamilton: Janus 

Why? Well, the colour theme’s for the album match Janus’ general colour aesthetic, Janus is all about taking that chance no matter what and Alex is all about not throwing away his shot, both have got that lawyer association aaaaaaaand I’m just kidding, I wanted to make a Thomceit Helpless animatic in the August of 2019- I never had any plans for this thing, it just happened. 

But yeah- dramatic snake boy lawyer meets dramatic Founding Father lawyer-

----

The Schuyler Sisters:

Angelica: Roman

Roman just radiates fabulous, feminist, older sibling vibes- just imagine him in Angelica’s dress but a bit more red and you’ve got it down! 

Satisfied also radiates Roman vibes- the pink-red colour scheme, the sacrifice, the longing and pining- it all works so well for him! I can also imagine him in Congratulations- especially with the lines ‘He doesn’t dignify schoolyard taunts with a response!’, ‘...Sacrifice?’ and ‘Eliza~ is the BEST thing in our lives!’ especially since I’m making Thomas Eliza here, because, in some cases, it really parallels what actually happened in the series:

Roman sacrificed the thing he most wanted (Janus/the callback) for Thomas (Eliza/his core) because he wanted what was best for him and what was right for him- and in both cases, he was wrong! My boy either doesn’t get to chase his dreams and feels miserable about it, or he gets cheated on and feels miserable about it- there’s no winning here! (Can you tell that I felt no remorse whilst writing this? /hj)

Also, I thought the line 'He doesn’t dignify schoolyard taunts with a response!’ didn’t really apply to Janus when I initially made this, but HOO BOY was I wrong-

Eliza: Thomas

Can you tell that Thomceit is my favourite ship? No? You can’t? Well I’m just about to take off the blindfold you’re wearing and talk about much of an amazing husband Thomas would be-

First though, I have to say, Thomas gives off such Eliza vibes on his own anyways- cinnamon bun that needs to be protected and has gone through a lot? Uh, yes! 

Thomas would absolutely be the type to fall head over heels for a cute guy he saw across the room (I mean we all saw FWSA, right?). He'd see Janus and be all 'Wait, frick, handsome boy- what do I do- ROMAN-' and I love that so much.

Ironically though, Hamilton was the one who really fell hard, historically at least, so the fact that in this AU Thomas falls like Eliza did but in the 'canon' Janus and Hamilton are both the actual simps is hilarious to me-

He would totally be the supportive partner he was always meant to be- assuring Janus everything will turn out fine and being sweet and caring like he always is.

On the flip side. Thomas is probably one of the only characters who would actually bite back when cheated on too. Patton is a great option for Eliza, but because Patton is associated the most with nostalgia as a character, I don't think he'd be burning any letters any time soon, he'd hold on to those memories- but Thomas would probably burn the letters as soon as he got the chance, in order to try and forget everything- to burn all the memories. Also, I just wanna see Thomas raging at Janus in First Burn- can you imagine how badass he would be? The passion and fury radiating from him in that song would be just *chef's kiss* incredible!

And here's the strongest argument I have: Eliza is the person who tells the story, of Hamilton, of the soldiers, of Washington- and who is responsible for telling us what goes on in the TS Universe?

Thomas.

I rest my case! (There wasn't one to begin with but shhhh)

(Also, Hamilton and Eliza had 8 kids, and we all know Thomas is the tired mother of 6 children-)

And Peggy (hah): Remus

The main reason for this is, as I'm sure you can guess, because I made Roman Angelica. I mean, how could I not make Remus Peggy? I do have some legitimate reasons though.

Peggy has always been given the chaotic younger sister energy in the fandom, basically the Gen Z child- and Remus embodies Gen Z's chaos perfectly, it's honestly kind of scary. Remus would absolutely be the sibling who's just there to vibe and cause chaos, but would totally be there to help if you wanted it.

The problem here, is that Peggy is constantly asking about the girls' father in Schuyler Sisters, and worrying about consequences- which is not a Remus thing at ALL, but I can imagine Remus asking those questions like '👀 So what's the dealio?' And then being delighted at the responses that come from the others like 'YEAH- Let's break the rules!'

Peggy was also very good friends with Hamilton historically, and we all know Janus and Remus are best friends (that's not canon, but it is now)!

So- Peggy and Remus! Let's go!

----

The Hamilsquad (Sides! Edition):

Aaron Burr: Logan

Logan is the most logical (hah) character to play Burr in my opinion:

Burr kills Hamilton, and Logan is probably the only Side who could actually defeat Janus in some way (Logic overcrowds the lies and reasons its way out of them), and if having a presence and some control got Janus to sink down, then what would happen to Janus if he Logan had full control?

Logan, like Burr, wants to be in the Room Where it Happened- he wants to be listened to- that's self-explanatory, but what gets interesting to me is the waiting ideology both of them have.

We all know Burr waits for opportunities- he had a whole song on it! But what people tend to forget is that Logan has also waited for chances and holds back opinions- the best example would be in LNTAO, where he admits to Thomas that he's been holding back his opinions for far too long and that he doesn't think people take Thomas seriously enough.

That 'wait for the right moment attitude' is instilled in both of them- and while Janus also partially has that attitude, he's also got a 'Leap for the chance and take it' attitude- which is why I can imagine him telling Logan 'You get love for it, you get hate for it- you get nothing if you wait for it' and 'What do you want Burr?'

He'd be the one to ask 'When are you finally going to take a stand and say "I want to be heard?" When are you going to take the chance?'

John Laurens: Virgil

Virgil's role as Laurens is mainly because of symbolism- the idea that you had these two great friends who were in it together, and one of them left (either this life or the Others) and that tore them apart in one way or the other.

Also, Laurens and Hamilton were hiding something- those letters said A LOT, and Jan and Virge act like two ex-boyfriends, like what is this-

----

Theodosia Sr.: Patton

This may just be my Logicality heart screaming, but I think this makes sense- Theodosia always gave off a sweet, soft motherly energy even though we never see her on screen or hear her voice. From what he heard about her, she seemed to be the loving mother character (Eliza was more the loving wife and widow figure, but she did have motherly traits for sure), and we all know Patton would rock the loving mother figure role- there isn't really much more to it.

----

I think that's all I can really say on the Sides characters' roles! There's gonna be more to this but this is a lot as it is, and I wanted to get this done ASAP.

So ye! I hope you enjoyed reading this and are looking forward about what's to come!

#hibiscus' aus #thomceit hamilton au #ts janus #character! thomas #ts roman #ts remus #ts logan #ts virgil #ts patton #janus sanders #thomas sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #thomceit #logicality #tsxsides #ts x sides #thomas x sides #sanders sides #hamilton #au #caps tw #big text tw #italics tw #bold tw #death mention tw #long post

[lifewithoutrainydays]

I'm back on my bullshit (watching putting others first again) and it hurts so much??? Patton's role as a side is definitely more heart/emotions/compassion than morality, but he’s still Morality, albeit very much a Sunday School form of it, and, well, "love thy neighbour" is the golden rule, according to the book that my primary school was themed around

Unfortunately, Patton is human. well, part of a human. He isn’t perfect. He doesn’t know everything, but he’s also the dad guy. He’s got to teach his kids (who are very insistent that they’re not his kids) when they ask about the world

In SvS, Thomas essentially asked Patton to simplify ‘good’ and ‘bad’ into clearly divided concepts with no overlap, because Janus had twisted “go to the callback” to “go to the callback and lie about what you’re actually doing” to ultimately making everything about being a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person

Patton’s problem wasn’t that he was being overly moralistic or whatever. I think that, if Janus didn’t skew Roman’s “hospitalised Aunt Patty vs. something good” comparison into a blatant suggestion to lie about something serious without any real necessity, and if he hadn’t turned it into a battle of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, then Patton would have agreed pretty easily to the callback. Like, Thomas could have been honest with himself, and said that he wanted to go the the callback instead of the wedding, but he didn’t. Janus tried to get him to do that (congratulations Janus!!!), but he messed up his Logan impression, immediately gave up, and took Thomas to court over it. He set the whole thing up as, essentially, an argument between himself and Patton, and presented himself as an attacking force rather than an advocate for Thomas’s wellbeing. Then again, that can kind of be explained by the fact that Thomas himself isn’t comfortable with self-advocacy. which. big mood

And that’s Patton’s problem. Sunday School morality. “Love thy neighbour.” To be good, the most important thing is to love other people, and treat them with kindness and respect. What would Jesus do? Jesus died in penitence for humanity’s sins. The morality you learn as a child in those illustrated bibles says that Jesus is the kindest, best, most perfect person, and by dying, he made everything better. His conflict and fear regarding his imminent death exists as “let this cup pass me by,” but he soon accepts it, as, “Your will be done.”

Fun fact that’s a bit of a digression! The Agony in Gethsemane is conveyed, in the musical Jesus Christ Superstar, as a six-minute rock ballad, ending in his acceptance as a sacrifice, but asking God for it to happen “now, before I change my mind.” He kind of gets to be more selfish. He gets to be angry about his impending demise. Now, which character took up half an endcard delivering various musical puns after his introduction episode?

Back to neighbour-loving. It’s an incomplete quote. The full (or, well, a fuller) thing is “Love your neighbour as thyself,” or, in plain English, “Love other people as much as you love yourself.” Not more than, but not less than

That’s Patton’s problem. Not just as a compassionate Morality, but as an empathetic heart that feels what other people feel, Patton is concerned with the external; with giving love. Jesus is the pinnacle of a ‘good person’, and his death is necessary for the wellbeing of others. His Father made him with the intention of him dying at thirty-three in order to make up for everyone’s sins. And, well, if Patton’s the dad guy... I may have just committed blasphemy. Cool! I didn’t know I knew how to do that!!!

Janus is the snake with the forbidden fruit. He offers knowledge; understanding; independence; freedom. In the ignorance that drives you to learn, condemn everyone with your inability to blindly trust authority. Think for yourself. Exist as yourself. Be yourself; a self; an individual! Bask in the sensation of being! Seek pleasure, because what else does the ability to feel good exist for?

Doing good feels good. That’s okay. It’s okay to seek pleasure. It’s not a sin to feel nice

While Patton is focused on others, Janus is focused on himself; on Thomas. In fearing Deceit, Thomas also feared loving himself. How can you love your neighbour as much as you love yourself when you don’t love yourself? When you subconsciously treat yourself as less worthy of love?

And the thing is, Patton’s aware of that, at least on some level. The video begins, and Patton is hyperaware of everything he’s doing wrong. He constantly corrects himself. He tries to make himself non-threatening, because he’s been a threat to Thomas, and he knows it. He tries to be kinder and gentler. He’s being asked the difference between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ two episodes after he had to completely separate the two, and one episode after he learnt that he shouldn’t do that

Thomas didn’t want to be a bad person. Therefore, Patton had to make Thomas a good person. Patton swore on a youth bible, guys. He’s not equipped for complex moral issues. He’s painfully aware of his own imperfections, and he tries his best to express that he probably shouldn’t be the authority on these things. He says “maybe,” and “who knows,” because he doesn’t know, but he’s being asked anyway

Patton isn’t an actual dad. He’s more the dad friend than anything. He’s not an authority, but he’s being put into that position, and he’s being asked questions that he doesn’t know the answer to. He’s learnt a little bit more, but the courtroom had him divide things into ‘good’ and ‘bad’; ‘selfless’ and ‘selfish’. It’s broken, now. It’s been split

‘Selfish’ is now effectively synonymous with ‘bad’, because that’s how Deceit presented it in the courtroom. Therefore, you can’t act in your own self-interest and be a good person. Anything that makes you feel good as a primary benefit is immoral. This moral absolutism turns into asceticism. Self-denial for spiritual fulfilment

Literally nobody wanted this, but it’s the logical extreme of black-or-white thinking. Janus pushed Patton to an extreme - to his very own mental health crisis - in order to make his point, which is kind of a dickish thing to do, tbh. Janus might have felt like Thomas wasn’t utilising his “one goal of self-preservation” due to his desire to be a good person, and, well, the actual Roman God Janus saw the past with one face, but the future with the other

I don’t know if this is a normal person thing, or just that I’ve been mentally ill for so long, but, without external events affecting matters, I can usually tell if I’m headed on a downwards spiral. If an external event pops up, which I won’t be able to predict in advance, but which I will be able to respond to, I can predict how I’ll react to that, too. That’s how Janus can predict the future

Janus knew that Thomas was headed towards a downward spiral. He knew that attending the wedding would exacerbate it. He knew that Thomas needed his love to be directed inwards, so he manipulated and sacrificed Patton for it, but, then, since Thomas’s sense of self also involves caring for other people, he helped put Patton back together

i’m so tired i’ve been writing this for like three and a half hours

#tss text #tss meta #homegrown post #tss patton #tss janus #tss thomas

[rosesisupposes]

with a door between them

this is one part projection/comfort, two parts fix-it

Set right after SVS Pt 2: Putting Others First

read on ao3

characters: Roman, Janus (Remus is mentioned but not present)

pairings: no romantic; platonic roceit

content tags: dialogue-heavy fic; self-doubt; crisis of self-worth; arguing; Roman-centric hurt/comfort; apologies; fix-it fic

reader tags: @royally-anxious @jemthebookworm @arandompasserby  @sparkly-rainbow-salt @astral-eclipse​ @thelowlysatsuma @adorably-angsty @max-is-tired @almostoveranalyzed @potestessemagishomosexualitatis  @mariniacipher @vintage-squid

word count: 1,619

⁂

Janus fidgets with his gloves, staring at the gilded door in front of him. He takes a breath, and knocks.

“Yes?”

“May I come in?”

“Are you sure you didn’t mean to go to Remus’ door instead, I know you get us confused!”

“Roman, I just want to talk.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’ve had enough lectures for one day!”

“I’m not here to lecture you-”

“I don’t care. Go away.”

“Roman, please, just listen-”

Instead of a reply, Janus hears the orchestral sounds that mean Roman’s opened up a portal to the Imagination.

With a sigh, Janus pushing open the bedroom door to see the portal starting to close. He snaps, and it freezes just long enough for him to follow the Prince into his realm.

A grand castle, shimmering in polished marble and gilded roofs, stands before him. A flicker of a familiar red sash pulls his attention to the highest tower. He makes his way through the corridors and staircases until he finds the heavy oak door to the tower room.

“Roman, listen, please, just for a moment-”

“Oh my god, do you have to just slither in everywhere? Is it not enough to just fucking bask in your newfound acceptance and everyone agreeing with you? You’ve just gotta rub it in how wrong I always am?!”

“No, I just really need-”

“The only thing you need to get lost. There’s a whole magical forest just south of here, why don’t you try it. Better yet, get out of the kingdom.”

“I’m not leaving. I need to talk to you.”

“Too bad, this castle is enchanted so that no one can lie, guess you’ll have nothing to say.”

“That’s rather harsh.”

“Yeah, well,” Roman says with a bitter laugh. “That’s all I’m good for now. Just fuck off and let me wallow, will you?”

“I have something you need to hear.”

“Too bad.”

Janus sighs, and sinks against the wall, sitting on the tower landing. He glances at the heavy door, and settles in to wait.

Long moments pass in silence, before Janus hears a huff on the other side of the door. “You’re still there, aren’t you.”

“I am.”

“Ugh.”

Janus hears footsteps, retreating and returning. Roman must be pacing on the other side of the door. Janus just waits.

“Shouldn’t you and Patton be busy planning your wedding by now?” Roman grumbles.

“And break my confirmed bachelorhood?”

“Ugh!”

More footsteps, stomping across the stone floor and back.

“Does Virgil know what happened yet?”

“I assume so.”

“He hasn’t said anything to you yet?”

“I haven’t exactly gone out of my way to let him hiss at me more.”

“Of course you haven’t.”

Stomp-stomp-stomp.

“Why are you just sitting there!!! Don’t you have anything better to do than annoy me?”

“I told you, it’s important that I talk to you.”

“And I told you, I don’t want to hear it!”

“I know.”

“So why won’t you just leave?”

“Because it’s important.”

“UGH!”

The steps shuffle and stop. Something thuds against the door, followed by the sound of cloth sliding against wood. Janus shifts until he’s leaning against the door from the outside.

“I don’t see what could possibly be so important that only you could tell me,” Roman grumbles.

“Who would you have preferred in my stead?”

“Anyone but my brother. Actually, scratch that, I’d rather have Remus.”

Janus smirks, knowing Roman can’t see him. “What’s the saying? Blood is thicker than water?”

Roman snorts. “You’re not water. Unless you’ve secretly been Jesus this whole time and you keep miracle-ing it into wine.”

“Alas, no, my secret is out, how ever will I recover.”

Roman huffs out laughter, then groans. “No, stop that. No making me laugh when I’m mad at you. Fuck off. Go away.”

“Sorry, no can do. Not until you let me tell you what I came to say.”

“Lalalalala, I can’t hear you! Hm, wonder if the snake is talking? I don’t know, I can’t hear anything. Lalalala blah blah blah blah bubba gump shrimp!”

Janus waits as Roman continues to ramble, fiddling with his cape chain until the stream of words lessens to a trickle.

“I don’t think either of you is the “evil” twin, you know,” Janus says as Roman finally lapses into silence.

“What?”

“You and Remus. I don’t think either of you are evil. Evil implies some inherent level of ill will.”

“Okay but- wait, what? Is this what you came to say? Is this the big thing that couldn’t wait?”

“No, but- earlier. I’m quite fond of Remus. He’s chaotic, but not malicious . I don’t think comparing someone to him is necessarily an insult.”

Roman grunts.

“I know you don’t like the comparison, because being separate from him is important to you. But I- that’s what I wanted to say. To ask. Why do you think it’s such a sensitive issue for you?”

“You do remember how we ended up as two sides in the first place, correct?” For a moment, Roman’s voice is a dry as Janus at his most sarcastic.

“Yes, but- you’re still Creativity. Being similar to him won’t change that.”

“The mindscape named us for a reason, snakeface. I’m the Prince, not the Duke.”

“Prince William is technically a Duke-”

“Yeah, like technicalities matter in the subconscious!”

“Then what’s the big difference that overcomes the technicalities?”

“Has Thomas ever, ever, read a story where the Duke is the hero?”

Janus leans his head all the way back against the door. There’s an edge in Roman’s voice, a warning note that says don’t keep pushing. But Janus can’t let that stop him, not when they’re both so close.

“Why does being his hero matter so much?”

“It’s what I’m supposed to be!”

“So?”

“So without it, I don’t have a purpose!”

“Roman-“

Roman’s voice is speeding up, no longer talking to Janus, just himself. “No purpose means I’m useless, and useless means I’m not needed, and not needed means-“

Janus waits.

Roman’s voice breaks “If he doesn’t need me, Thomas won’t keep putting up with me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Oh please, like you of all people don’t know.” Roman snaps, voice strained with the effort to not cry. “I might have only one brain cell but at least it still knows what I’m like. I’m extra. I’m over the top. How many times have I pulled us all into dumbassery because I didn’t pause or hesitate and just charged in? I have no impulse control, even when I really should. Like when someone trusts us with personal information that took a lot to share and I just- laugh.”

Janus grimaces. “Your reaction being inappropriate didn’t justify mine. I knew how hurtful my words would be. Like you, I didn’t control the impulse. But my slip was worse. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

“But you’re not escaping talking about this. Thomas won’t ‘keep putting up with’ you? Roman, he loves you. You’re important to him, without being ‘of use.’”

Roman grunts. 

“You don’t believe me.”

Confirming grunt. 

“You still think you have to be needed.”

A pause. “Mhm.”

“Roman, what’s my function. What do I do for Thomas?

“I- well, I know it’s more than just deceit.”

“That’s right. Lies are a means to an end. And the end is self-preservation.”

“You protect him.” Roman says quietly. “From running himself ragged just to meet others’ expectations. From the rest of us completely take over his energy, whether that’s creating endlessly, or learning everything, or sacrificing himself to be perfectly selfless.”

“That’s part of it, yeah. You want to know a secret?”

“What”

“I mess up too, Prince. Not just in lashing out at you. Sometimes the lies that are meant to be self-preserving backfire.”

“I- what?”

“Sometimes, I let us tell ourselves lies that protect our egos, or that let us avoid having to grapple with more painful questions and realities. I help us spin a narrative so strong that it doesn’t even feel like a lie anymore, just a fundamental truth. But eventually, even the strongest narratives get enough holes poked into them that they crumble.”

Janus shifts, leaning sideways against the door, and continues. “And the worst part is that even as they crumble, you can’t always tell that the foundations were fabrications in the first place. You just accept them as truth, and the crumbling as failure. You believe your doubts and worries are clear-eyed truth-tellers.”

“You?”

“All of you. Thomas, Patton, Virgil, everyone. But you, Roman, most recently.”

“Oh great, I’m lying to myself now too?”

“Yes, you are.”

“And how, pray tell, am I deluding myself today?”

Janus pauses, makes sure Roman’s listening, and says, “By saying Thomas has to ‘need’ you to love you. By telling yourself you need to 'earn' your place among us. By thinking we don’t treasure you regardless of your contributions.”

“What do you- I-”

“Roman, listen very closely, okay? You are worth it. You’re worth the ‘trouble.’ You’re worthy of our love, and our time, and our care. We want you around, and we’ll keep wanting you around. Full stop.”

Silence, only quiet breathing, and Janus finally cracks open the door. Roman’s sitting on the floor, back against the wall, tears flowing through the fingers hiding his face as his shoulders wrack with silent sobs. 

Janus scoots over until their shoulders touch. Without speaking, he runs a gloved hand gently through Roman’s hair, over and over, until Roman manages to speak.

“You really mean it?”

Janus turns just enough for Roman to see him as he removes the glove from his right hand. He lifts his bare hand, and waits until Roman meets his eyes to say quietly, “I promise.”

#svs redux #POF #sanders sides fanfiction #ts roman #ts janus #my smol drama son #my smol slimy boi #roses writes fanfic

[nadiestar]

Drawing Unicors And Train Wrecks: Part 2

Part 1 | Part 3 (AO3)

Masterpost | Taglist

“I see your point I just don’t think we could motivate any of the boys to come here and just sit together. Logan is angry at me for skipping him and at you for making the button. Virgil is angry with me siding with you and I don’t think I need to point out what Roman would have against sitting together with us,” Patton said and massaged his temple.

Janus leaned back in the chair and pressed his lips together. He had hoped for Patton to be far more eager to get his beloved famILY together. But apparently him turning into a giant frog had caused him to become more reasonable. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing but right now Janus would have preferred an optimistic Patton to a reasonable one.

“Well, and we’d also have trouble with Remus...”

Janus raised his eyebrows, as he watched Patton casting his eyes down to the kitchen table in quiet guilt. That was not something he expected Patton to bring up, but then again, what was he if not an opportunist.

“Indeed. We’re going to have a lot of problems with Remus. But we need to have them, so we can get over them. Otherwise he will not be accepted by Thomas and we both know we need him to be accepted.”

Patton looked up. He clenched his jaw and Janus crossed his arms in front of his chest, as he pushed his chin forward. He would not back out of this conversation. Not in a million years.

___

“So, you just knock once on the floor instead of saying “UNO”, alright?” Roman proposed while knocking with his fist on the floor, as an example what Remus was supposed to do.

The little Duke, now with the quiet elaborate make-up moustache, grinned widely and demonstrated his agreement with hammering his fist on the floor a few times. Virgil grinned at the little boy's energy and enthusiasm and then asked if he should distribute the cards.

Then they started to play. It had been Remus who conjured the set after he had been satisfied with staring at his reflection and the three others were quick to oblige. And so, they had ended up sitting in a little circle around a stack of UNO cards on the floor of Logan’s living room.

They didn’t know but imagery the group provided was more than a little strange. The three grown men all looked like they all came out of different shows. A prince out of a fairy tale, the stern but fair teacher from the protagonists of a kids show and an emo background character out of a Tim Burton movie. And all three looked utterly displaced sitting as they were in a little circle with this little boy in midst of them.

But they did not truly care. Not when they miraculously managed to keep going and going and whenever one of them had an UNO the others’ managed to keep them to lay down his last card. Also, somehow whenever things got a little quieter the one player who was next pulled a +4 and as funny it was to hear all three adults censor their swears (Remus was Remus but also five years old. They had to be responsible around him.) it also was a bit strange.

After a further fifteen minutes of them playing without ever reaching a conclusion, Logan paused before he played his next card, a green reverse which would keep Roman from playing and give Remus the next move, and looked to the little Duke next to him.

“Remus, am I right in the assumption that you are monitoring which cards we have and manipulating the middle stack?”

The little boy pressed his cards against his chest and pouted with big puppy eyes. Logan sighed but the tiny hint of a smile reached his lips and he told the boy: “I know you’re not changing the cards we hold in our hands. I’ve kept an eye on it. It’s only the middle stack and taking that in account I have to say -” The hint of a smile turned into an actual smile - “that is quite impressive. You’re being very clever with this.”

A tiny giggle escaped the little rat kid’s lips. It was not loud but genuine and fresh. Filling the air and their chests like only few melodies ever could. It was surprisingly soft and so, so vulnerable. Vulnerable like a feather.

___

Patton was shaking like a feather in the wind. The hard and stern expression in his face could have fooled one, but Janus saw the fear and the fragile state of the other. He didn’t want to put him through it.

“I understand that he is loud and wild. I get that it scares you,” Janus said and put Patton through it anyway, “but he will let us face what we need to face. The anger, the sadness, all the things that weigh you down. He can access them so much easier and it will only help you to face them. He’s necessary for us to get better.”

“But what is about the effort the others already put into my wellbeing? Does it not count? How is it not enough? Roman sacrificed his own needs for me feeling better! How is that not enough for me?” Patton retorted defensively and desperately.

Janus eyes became sad and he reached over the table to take Patton’s clenched hands in his own. He saw his pain. He knew it. He had seen it so many times in his friend.

“I am so not sorry Patton. I wish that the things the others did for you would have made you better, made it easier for you to be but self-sacrifice, as noble as it might seem, is not helpful. What Roman did was not helpful. He was just as desperate as you and wanted to help but what he brought to the table was not helpful. Because it was not what he really believed, what he really wanted. He was just trying to please you and that wasn’t helpful for either of you. He needs to be able to talk back to you, having another opinion than you and knowing that he might get out of a discussion as the winner, because right now, he can never win.”

Patton’s bottom lip shivered but his hands were unclenched. He let Janus hold him.

“Roman can do much good if we let him. And you can too. So, so much good. I know that is all you want but I’ve seen you destroy yourself by taking over the wheel with no idea of what you were doing. You’ve been hurting so long and I know you began to acknowledge parts of that but that won’t be enough. We’re going to have to dig deeper than that. And I know you can do it. Just not on your own.”

___

Finally, Remus played his last card and Logan proposed for all of them to take a short break. Remus was fine with it, when Logan gave him some paper and a pen and sat next to him, while he scribbled some doodles on the paper. Meanwhile Virgil pulled Roman aside.

“Hey, man, uhm, you seem… tense?” Virgil started quietly while eyeing what Logan and Remus were doing in the corner of his eyes.

Roman forced a smile and fumbled with his hands as he then told doubtful Virgil: “I’m fine! Just worried. About Remus. What else would I be worried about, I mean? Right?”

The fake laugh Roman put on after that didn’t help convince Virgil in any way of Roman’s words. And Roman could see that all too well and stopped. Uneasily he cast his eyes down to his feet and felt his shoulders slump. He didn’t feel princely, at all.

“It’s fine. You took a big hit after the whole thing with Deceit. You’re allowed to be upset about it. Especially, now when your brother fucking regressed as well. This is like the worst nightmare I can imagine, myself being in,” Virgil claimed despite at least five worse things coming to mind but choosing to ignore them since they didn’t seem to be helpful additions in order to get Roman into a better mood.

“It’s not so bad. There are worse things than being regressed.”

Virgil stared at Roman with big eyes and Roman immediately noticed his mistake. Franticly, feeling sweat building on the back of his neck he held his hands up in front of his chest and he faked a laugh.

“I mean,” Roman tried to deflect the suspicion, “there are worse things than Remus being regressed! Remus being regressed! Yeah. That’s what I meant.”

In Virgil’s head rang a million alarm bells. Roman had been regressed before. His poor attempt to hide it made that clear enough, but looking at Roman’s face, at the worry in it he knew he couldn’t ask it. Not without compromising Roman into a crying mess at least.

So, he took the other bait and asked: “Then Remus has been regressed before? Like how often?”

Roman’s breath was still racing and Virgil almost felt that he was going to cry but at once Roman just gulped, drove his hand through his hair and got a grip on his breathing again. He smiled shakily but it seemed to be enough for him to keep himself together and he began to explain.

“It’s usually, when he gets super overwhelmed by stuff that happens to Thomas. Or to us for that matter.”

“What?”

Roman and Virgil turned both their head to Logan who had stood up and now was walking towards the two of them.

“Why would regression help him to deal with feeling overwhelmed?” Logan asked again, as Roman didn’t continue talking.

With a curt shaking of his head Roman bounced back and he answered: “It doesn’t help. It’s a reaction. He has no way of changing the situation, he cannot do anything to stop us all from hurting and stuff and so his physical state just aligns with his emotional state. He just becomes as small and helpless as he feels.”

___

“Thank you. I feel a little less directionless now,” Patton told Janus and squeezed his hands.

The snake smiled at him, fondness visibly glittering in his eyes. He let his hand slip over Patton’s and stroked it a few times, getting a little shaky but authentic smile out of the moral side.

“Do mention it. I’m just doing what I can to keep us all from crashing.”

Patton gave him a short glance, which told Janus that he was thinking that Janus did much more than that but neither lingered on that notion. Instead, Patton sighed a little and straightened his back.

He pulled on hand back to his chest, fumbled with the knot of his cardigan and said while looking down to the table: “I just can’t but still feel uneasy about the twins. It’s as if I could sense their unease, you know?”

“You what?” Janus asked suddenly vigilant.

It was then both heard the sound of a door opening in the hallway.

___

Nerd had heard Bro and Gily talking. He had gone to them and talk.

Nobody was looking over his drawings anymore. Remus did not like that feeling at all. He knew, he should have been used to it, but it still bothered him. He didn’t want to cry though. Bro was upset and Nerd and Gily could not handle him being upset. So he would not cry and do something himself.

Nerd’s room was not much fun, when he looked around. Just papers and necessities. Many books Remus didn’t want to read.

But then there was the door. The doorknob was very shiny and Remus knew he could reach it with no problem. And so, the little Duke stood up and walked over to the door, mindful of his step, so the others wouldn’t see him.

The shiny doorknob was smooth and Remus liked the feel as he turned it and opened the door. Quick he stood outside and looked down corridor. It was funny how much bigger everything looked to him now.

___

Roman barely heard Logan’s last words as they all three suddenly noticed the little creak the door made as it was opened. In panic all three turned to see Remus walking outside and Roman started sprinting to get to his brother.

He hit his knee at the door, the pain pulsed, but he had no time thinking about it. Remus wasn’t looking at him. He looked to the doorframe leading into the living room, to the shadow that was cast through it.

Roman felt his heart beat up into his throat. The shadow had a hat. He knew the steps. He placed himself beside Remus, despite shivering like a leaf, holding out his arm as if to protect him.

And there it came; Janus stepped out of the doorway. Looked at him and his little brother, who was close to tears. Roman opened his mouth, wanted to defend Remus, not seeing the obvious concern and not anger shining in Janus’s face. But no sound wanted to come to him. He was helpless.

Another shadow. Another pair of steps, next to Virgil and Logan who had come out after Roman.

Patton stood behind Janus.

And at that Roman shrunk. His prince outfit morph into a simple white shirt with a golden sun on it and the red sash turning into a red cape. The black slacks and black boots gone for red shorts and bare feet. On his head a golden cardboard crown held on his head with an elastic string around his chin.

Whimpers shook the now so little Prince and he tried to muffle, suffocate them behind his tiny hands, but he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t do anything.

Remus jumped in front of him. A little, silver short appeared in his right hand and with his left he shielded him from the other’s sight.

Roman fell onto his backside from crying and his brother’s little hand was suddenly put on his shoulder. And then they fell through the floor into a different place. Away from the others.

___

The four grown-ups stared at the place where Roman and Remus had just stood a mere moment ago.

“Where did they go?! Janus! Where did they go!” Virgil cried aggressively and targeted Janus, who’s eyes still were frozen on the spot.

“Remus probably took them to the Imagination. It’s where he feels most in control,” Janus answered in reflex.

Panicked Logan shot forwards, hands on his head and muttered: “The Imagination is a death trap! They are five years old and we cannot function without Creativity. We cannot lose them! We cannot lose them.”

“Hold. Hold on. We can fix this. It is fine,” Janus intervened finally breaking free from his spot.

“Fix this? This is your fault and-”

“Virgil, please!” Patton stopped Virgil.

All three looked at Patton. He rubbed his eyes. Tears were streaming down but beyond them was a shaky sign of determination in his gaze.

“Janus is self-preservation. If somebody knows how to start saving ourselves it will be him.”

Patton reached out and held onto Janus’s arm.

“I’ll trust you. Lead the way.”

Virgil and Logan gaped at the two and then exchanged a look. Logan gulped and took a step towards them. Gave Janus a simple nod and hesitantly put is and on Patton’s back.

Virgil stared at Janus. And Janus stared back. For once Virgil didn’t slouch. He met Janus evenly in his gaze, taking a deep breath and took a step towards Logan.

“Well then,” Janus said looked to the others, “let’s not waste anymore time and get our Creativities back.”

___

@aprincehasgotoslay

@varthandi

@sickeningly-deceitful

@sammy-is-obsessed / @exhaustedfander

@unoriginalgayboyalex

@alexisrealgay

#platonic drlamp #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #janus sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #Drawing Unicorns And Train Wrecks #mim rambles #Mims Requests

[recipeforme]

C10: My Self-Worth's Fragile Like An Egg

Book: A Good Kid

I groaned when I woke up, remembering what happened yesterday. How could I break down like that? Now that they knew I was vulnerable they were going to stop being so nice. I just know it! My only hope was to act like nothing had happened.

I threw on some clothes, slapped on my eye shadow and headed down stairs for some food. I slipped into the kitchen to see Thomas making himself coffee when he saw me he gave me a huge grin.

“Good morning Virgil!” He greeted “how are you?”

I shrugged and opened the cabinet to find some cereal “why are you acting so weird?” Thomas was a pretty cheerful guy but he could be really…. Touchy in the morning when he hadn’t had his coffee yet.

“I’m not acting weird!” He said, still smiling. I gave him a look before moving to the table with my cereal. “Anyways,” Thomas said, grabbing his coffee and sitting down across from me “I wanted to talk to you about last night.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Really?” Thomas turned serious “because you burst into tears last night.”

“I’m fine” I muttered, I could tell Thomas was hesitating to tell me something. “Look, whatever it is just tell me.”

The man took a deep breath “okay well, I signed you up for therapy last night.”

My head shot up “what?!”

He winced “look, I think it would be good for you to talk to someone.”

“No way man! I don’t need some shrink trying to pick my brain apart.”

“Well.” Thomas gave me a look “you’re going.”

I stood up, breakfast abandoned “well, you can’t make me!” My heart rate increased at the thought of seeing a therapist, even more so than denying my guardian.

Thomas looked up at me calmly “actually I can. And I’m sorry if you don’t want to but you’re going. It’s already been paid for. It’s one session, if it doesn’t work then you don’t have to go back. But you do have to go to this session.”

“Fine.”

“Great!” Thomas said “we leave in an hour.” I just huffed and back stormed upstairs.

------

I glared at Thomas from my place on the couch in the therapist’s office, the man rubbed his eyes and sighed. I won’t go into detail but it was a struggle to get me here.

“Look. I know that you don’t want to be here but will you please give it a chance?” He asked, practically begging at this point. I just glared at him silently with my arms crossed. “Fine,” He sighed “well, I’m going to go. I’ll be back in a hour.”

Thomas left and I glared at the wall, in any other situation I would make a run for it but I had a feeling that Thomas was going to sit in the waiting room just to make sure I didn’t. I sighed and looked around the office, which was decorated with toys and posters of Disney and Cartoon characters. Great, he was a children’s therapist. Not only was I going to have my brain picked, I was also going to be downgraded like I was a five year old.

I jumped when a voice said “it’s the moment you've been waiting for!”

My head snapped towards the door as I could see someone’s arm and…. Were they singing a theme song? I didn’t recognize it but it sounded like a theme song. Finishing his ‘intro’ the man walked over and plopped down in his chair. The man had dark(ish) pink hair and glasses. He wore a light blue sweater vest with a long sleeved, pastel, collard, yellow shirt with a light pink tie.

“Hello,” he said, “do you how do?”

“What?”

“Ah well my name is Dr. Picani, and you are?”

“....Virgil… but shouldn’t you know? Cause of paperwork and all that?”

“Yes, but it helps a patient feel more comfortable when they introduce themselves.” I groaned, great it’s been five seconds and he’s already trying to shrink me. “Is everything alright?”

“No.” I declare “I’m not doing this.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Look man, no offence to you or whatever but I didn’t choose to come here. The only reason I am is that Thomas thinks that just because I had a little breakdown last night I’m all of the sudden ‘mentaly unstable’ or whatever.” I said, using air quotes around the words ‘mentaly unstable.’

“Well, alright.” Dr. Picani said “if that’s how you feel. But if you don’t mind me asking. Who’s Thomas?”

I sighed, already annoyed “Thomas is my foster dad.”

“Oh, so you're a foster kid?”

“Yeah,” I raised an eyebrow “you got a problem with that?”

“Not at all. Now before we start I should ask if you have ever been to therapy before?”

I sighed again “let me guess, you are not going to just let me sit here until this is over.”

“No, I’m afraid not.” Dr Picani smiled at me.

“Fine, I’ll answer your questions if you answer one of mine.”

“Of course!” He said “go right ahead.”

“If I share stuff with you are you going to tell Thomas what I said?” I figured that I might as well get this over with. Especially if the guy wasn’t going to leave me be. But if he was going to tell Thomas what I say… then I would much rather keep quiet.

“No, not without your consent.” He said “but if you are hurting yourself or others then I will but if you aren’t then everything said here will be kept private.”

“Fine, I’ve only been to therapy once. About a year ago when my dad went to jail.”

“Really? And how was that?”

“Which one? The therapy or the dad thing?” I asked.

“Therapy” He clarified.

“It sucked.” I said “she didn’t do anything besides tell me that I’m a screw up, which I already knew.”

Picani frowned and wrote something down. “Now, why was your dad arrested?”

I let out a dark chuckle “let’s see… child abuse, neglatance of a child, edangerment of a child… I think there’s a few more in there that I don’t know about.”

“I see… now you don’t have to answer this but I’m guessing you were the one he was abusing?”

I shrugged and looked down “mostly me yeah I mean, I get why.” I pulled the hood of my jacket up and said, “I deserved it.”

“Now hold on, why do you think that?”

“Cause I’m a no good, useless, rotten screw up who will never find love and everyone hates.”

“Hmmm you remind me of Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender.”

His words broke me out of my spiralling thoughts and I looked up at him “who and what now?”

“Prince Zuko from the show Avatar: The Last Airbender.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It is a show about a world that is divided into four nations. The Water Tribe, the Earth Kingdom, the Fire Nation and the Air Nomads. Each of them are represented by an element for which the nation is named.” Picani explained. “Benders have the ability to control and manipulate the element from their nation.”

“Only the Avatar can master of all four elements. The Fire Nation wants to conquer the world but the only bender who has enough power to defeat them, the Avatar, has disappeared. Later in the show two siblings, Katara and Sokka, find the Avatar who is a young airbender named Aang. Aang must now master all four elements in order to stop the war and bring peace to the world.”

“I see… and who’s this Zuko guy?”

“Zuko is one of the main antagonists for a good portion of the show. His sole mission, right from episode one, being to capture Avatar for the sake of the Fire Nation.” The therapist chuckled “and he is always grumpy.”

“Wow, I’m feeling so good about myself at this comparison right now” I said sarcastically.

“Just hang on a Momo, over the episodes, it becomes clear that Zuko is after the Avatar for more than just the sake of the Fire Nation.” He explains “there are moments where Zuko withholds information from and even sabotages the efforts of other members of the Fire Nation. All so he can be the one to hand the Avatar over to his father, Fire Lord Ozai, and regain his honor.”

“Regain his honor?”

“Yeah he ‘lost it’ after speaking out of turn in a meeting. Stating that sacrificing a whole Fire Nation troop as a simple distraction in a battle plan was not a good idea. What an offence, amiright?” He said with a touch of sarcasm “his father punished him by facing him off in combat, burning and permanently scaring his face, and banishing him from the kingdom until he could return home with the Avatar.”

“That uh… sounds like a bad dad.”

“That sounds like an understatement.”

“I’ve never seen the show man, give me a break.” I muttered, my hood falling off. “Look, I don’t understand why you're comparing me to this guy. I mean, yeah my dad hurt me but he never left any scars.”

“While that may be true one thing Zuko struggled with is wanting to make his father proud.” Dr Picani said.

I glared at him “and you think I’m the same. No effing way man, I couldn’t care less about what he thinks!”

“Okay, okay. I apologize, I didn’t mean to offend you.” He said “so you don’t care too much for your father. But what about the rest of your family?”

I sighed “well there was also my mom and older brother. Mom…. died several years ago, I don’t like to talk about it, and Janus…. It's complicated.”

“Complicated how?”

“When we were young Janus and I were pretty close but after mom died and dad started drinking and stuff he started bullying me at school. Dad loved it.” I said the last part under my breath but I knew the doctor heard me say it.

“Well if that’s the case then you’re much more like Zuko than I thought!”

I looked up at him “What? How?”

“Like you Zuko had a sibling who tended to bully him. His younger sister, Azula, she was constantly being praised by their father for her talents while Zuko was pushed aside.” Dr Picani said “tell me, how did your mother treat you?”

“Um… it’s been a while since.. You know.. But she was amazing.” I let a small smile fall unto my lips “sometimes it feels like she was the only one who actually cared about me. And now, no one does.”

“Well, I’m sure that is not true. After all, your foster father brought you here. Don’t you think that’s a sign that he cares for you?”

I hesitated, a month ago I would have said no. That Thomas was just trying to make himself look good by taking in some helpless foster kid. But… I have had foster parents who were like that, even if they were trying to make themselves look good they would still give me up around the three week to one month mark. “I don’t know.” I admitted, looking down in shame and a little bit of panic. If Thomas wasn’t using me for some kind of personal gain, then why did he take me in?

“Now, I know that you said you don’t care about what your father thinks.” Dr Picani said “but do you think that you still judge yourself based on what he thinks of you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you mentioned earlier that you thought yourself to be a screw up. Is that something that your father ever said to you?”

As I thought it over I realized it was true and I nodded “among other things.”

Dr Picani wrote something down and began to talk about this Zuko character again “one of the main issues Zuko had trouble with was that he believed his father that he was the only one that could give Zuko his honor back.” He said

“And that gave him a lot of problems with his self worth. But if he had realized sooner that worth didn’t stem on what his father thought of him. If only he learned to trust the words of his mother who he lost when he was a child or the words of his loving uncle, who was always there for him. Then maybe it would have saved him a lot of internal struggle.”

“Did he ever get better?” I asked. Despite not wanting to come, here this man compared me to a fictional character that was in a similar situation to me… helped.

“Yes. He did.” Picani said “but he didn’t get there alone, it was through the efforts of his uncle that he was truly able to start a new path for himself.”

“But I don’t have anyone like that.” I said.

“What about your foster dad, Thomas? From what it sounds like he’s truly trying to help you in whatever way he can.”

“I don’t know… It’s… hard to trust people. Especially adults” I explained.

“Well, is there anyone else you can think of that you can go too?” Picani asked.

“Well, I mean, there’s my foster brother, Patton.” I said “I don’t really trust him a whole lot yet… but I guess I can try.”

“That’s great! Finding people you can rely on is always a good thing.”

-----

After the session finished I walked out to the waiting room where Thomas was sitting on his phone. When he entered he looked up and stood as I walked over to him.

“How was it?” He asked.

“It was nice…” I looked down “thanks.”

I didn’t need to look at him to tell that Thomas was smiling “you’re welcome.” He hesitated “if you want I can sign you up for another session.”

I paused, an hour ago I would have said no… but Thomas was right. It had been nice to talk to someone. Even if he were a little strange.

I looked at Thomas. “Okay.”

#A GOOD KID #isabel's books #thomas sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #sander sides #sander sides fanfiction #foster care #foster family #dr emile picani #Emilee picani #cartoon therapy

[doing-an-okay-job-miranda]

favorite to least favorite side? go!

oh uh, this kinda came out of nowhere but sure lmao

If you look at my fics, you’ll probably notice a lot of the snake man. I have a million aus with all the sides but Deceit is just the easiest to write and the one i find the most motivation for.

So Janus is my number one.

Probably do to my interest in psychology and philosophy and also people who are just very self aware but impulsively defensive, you’ll notice when I write him he often knows the things he does wrong are the wrong thing to do but is either too prideful or angsty to change his path which tbh is a thing I enjoy too much, having a character know what they should do but too angry or self destructive to try is good shit. Also he’s flirty and that’s fun.

Logan for second place.

I don’t know, I think I like the calm smart bois with that loud anger but Logan is super fun and smart and I love writing him even tho I don’t do it as much as I should rip his aus, eventually I’ll get you your Garden AU buddy

Every time I write Logan tho he comes out really soft and I have no complaints with that, I love a soft nerd. I also love space so, I may be a little bias but this whole list is bias

Roman and Remus for third, I put them together because I kinda love them for the same reasons

I love royal aesthetic, dramatic bois, sibling rivalry

Roman is fun to write because I can just go off on tangents with flowery metaphors and just have him get distracted, he’s also super fun for writing gay panic and just general sweetness, I love the knight in shining armor and I love this man, also rounding back to the impulsively defensive thing that I like

(Roman also won my heart a little when he insulted Logan but immediately apologized and I was really soft, realizing your mistakes make me soft)

Remus hasn’t had much of the chance to shine in my fics as I keep shoving him into the more antagonist roles by accident because I just think he works super well as a scary dude but the times I have written him fully sympathetic were super fun and I love him and I could just say whatever popped in my head for him but also I wrote an entire oneshot just so I could talk about him getting hugged and I see him with that strange kinda sweetness that makes it hard for me to choose him over Roman

I guess Virgil’s next one number four

Love the purp man and always fun writing him because I can flip between angry and protective to panic and oh shit- and self sacrificing, he’s the type of character that would like do that dramatic thing where they like lock their loved one in a room and then run into battle to keep them safe even if it risked his own life and that’s very sexy of him.

He’s also a scary but soft monster in a lot of my stories which I think probably says a lot about me

Last is Patton, sorry buddy

I love Patton, I do. I love that dad man and just him being a good dude that struggles with himself but holy heck, is writing him hard.

I don’t know why he’s so hard to write for me, maybe its the puns I can never think of, maybe it’s that I can’t picture him as aware of his behavior as the others so my writing style is a little harder, maybe I’m too much of a pessimist but he’s just super hard. I wanna write him, I love that dad and I love reading about him but oh my lord, does my brain just not work with him

#asks #personal opinion #I don't know what to tag here #sanders sides #janus sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #I love them all so much #choosing was hard

[emmagreen1220-blog]

New Post has been published on Literary Techniques

New Post has been published on https://literarytechniques.org/allusion/

Allusion

Allusion Definition

Allusion can be defined as a casual reference to a person or a thing which adds extra meaning to the neighboring context. In other words, merely saying “The Good Samaritan is a character in a parable told by Jesus in the Gospel of Luke” is not an allusion—it is merely a straightforward reference. However, it is an allusion when, for example, Julia says to Edward in T.S Eliot’s comedy The Cocktail Party (I.2.49-50): “Don’t you realise how lucky you are/ To have two Good Samaritans?”

Allusions are, by definition, indirect. That means that they are never explicitly clarified by the author and that they work pretty much like riddles: it is left to the reader to both identify them and make the connection to a previous text. However, sometimes this process can prove especially tricky.

For example, Alexander Pope’s verses are densely allusive, filled with both classical and topical references that can’t be understood without some proper help from a specialized scholar. Moreover, modernist poets such as T.S. Eliot and Ezra Pound consciously strove to enrich their writings with obscure, esoteric and personal allusions, the understanding of which is frequently essential to understanding the meaning of the works as a whole.

In some cases, allusions may even have a structural significance: James Joyce’s novel Ulysses, for example, is modeled after Homer’s epic Odyssey and can’t be sufficiently made sense of without it.

ExamplesQuizFlashcardsWorksheets

Allusion Examples

Allusion in a Sentence

Example #1: Achilles’ Heel

Divorce is the Achilles’ heel of marriage.

– George Bernard Shaw, Letters (July 2, 1965)

According to a story in Greek mythology, in an attempt to make her son immortal, the sea nymph Thetis washed the baby Achilles in the waters of the infernal river Styx. However, as she was doing this, she held him by his heel, which remained the only vulnerable place on her son’s body. This would prove a fatal mistake, since, late in the Trojan War, an arrow fired by the Trojan prince Paris and guided by Apollo, pierced through the heel of Achilles, killing the great Achaean hero on the spot. In the 19th century, the phrase “Achilles’ heel” was first used to mean a weak spot in spite of overall strength—and George Bernard Shaw wittily plays with this meaning in his clever remark above.

Example #2: Janus

A friend is Janus-faced: he looks to the past and the future. He is the child of all my foregoing hours, the prophet of those to come.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Friendship” (1841)

Janus was an ancient Roman deity, worshipped as a guardian of doors and gates, and as a god of transitions, beginnings and endings. He was depicted as having two faces—one looking back and another forward—and this is what Ralph Waldo Emerson alludes to in the sentences above, describing a friend as someone who is both an indelible part of one’s past and an architect of his or her future.

Example #3: Panglossian

Many searchers for life beyond Earth seem to be possessed of an almost Panglossian optimism, and since their speculations include the entire universe, their optimism might seem justified.

– Tim Flannery, The New York Review of Books, November 2, 2000

Dr. Pangloss is a character in Voltaire’s 1759 satirical masterpiece Candide. A professor of “metaphysico-theologo-cosmoronology” he is a self-proclaimed optimist who firmly believes that we are living in “the best of all possible worlds” and that “all is for the best.” He remains convinced in the veracity of his beliefs even after countless misfortunes, which cost him an eye and an ear due to syphilis, and, at one point, even his freedom. Because of this, when someone is Panglossian, he or she is overly—and naively—optimistic.

(Further Reading: Top 10 Examples of Allusion in a Sentence)

Allusion in Poetry

Example #1: Dead Sea Fruits

May Life’s unblessed cup for him Be drugg’d with treacheries to the brim, With hopes that but allure to fly, With joys that vanish while he sips, Like Dead-Sea fruits, that tempt the eye, But turn to ashes on the lips!

– Thomas Moore, Lalla Rookh (1817)

A Dead Sea fruit—sometimes also called a Sodom apple—is, according to the legend, a tempting fruit which dissolves into smoke and ashes once touched. Thomas Moore must have considered the allusion somewhat obscure when he wrote the above stanza in 1817 because he decided to annotate it himself, quoting a sentence by French explorer Jean de Thévenot as an explanation: “They say that there are apple-trees upon the sides of this sea, which bear very lovely fruit, but within are full of ashes.” A Dead Sea fruit is now used as an allusion to anything which may look promising at first but ultimately brings disappointment and discontent.

Example #2: Gehenna

Down to Gehenna or up to the Throne, He travels the fastest who travels alone.

– Rudyard Kipling, “The Winners” (1890)

Gehenna—or, literally translated, the “Valley of (the Son of) Hinnom”—is a place in Jerusalem, where, according to the Old Testament, worshippers of the pagan gods Baal and Moloch sacrificed their children by fire: “They have built the high places of Baal to burn their children in the fire as offerings to Baal” (Jeremiah 19:5). In time, the term came to symbolize Hell itself, so much so that the name given to Hell in the Quran, Jahannam, is a direct derivation of Gehenna. Additionally, the phrase “go to Gehenna” can be used as a more esoteric alternative to the everyday expression “go to hell.”

Example #3: The Mad Hatter

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter, It isn’t just one of your holiday games; You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.

– T. S. Eliot, “The Naming of Cats” 1-4 (1939)

As almost everybody knows, the Mad Hatter is a character in Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and the eccentric host of one of the craziest tea parties you can ever imagine, also attended by the March Hare and the Dormouse. However, the phrases “mad as a hatter” and “mad as a (March) hare” predate Carroll’s book. According to OED, the first of these two expressions may refer to “the effects of mercury poisoning formerly suffered by hat-makers as a result of the use of mercurous nitrate in the manufacture of felt hats.” Ultimately, however, it’s irrelevant which of these sources is alluded to by T.S. Eliot in the stanza above—the meaning is immediately clear either way.

Example #4: Paris · Menelaus · Troy

I will be Paris and, for love of thee, Instead of Troy shall Wittenberg be sacked; And I will combat with weak Menelaus And wear thy colours on my plumed crest.

– Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus V.1.98-101 (1592)

This is what Doctor Faustus says to a summoned infernal spirit who has assumed the shape of Helen in the fifth act of Christopher Marlowe’s tragedy. The wife of Menelaus, Helen was a Spartan princess who was abducted by the Trojan prince, Paris—an event which triggered the Trojan War. Doctor Faustus reimagines himself as Helen’s lover and, in a trance, rewrites parts of the original story: in Homer’s Iliad, it is Paris who is unskilled and cowardly, and Menelaus an epitome of bravery. A few verses above this passage, Marlowe describes Helen’s face as one “that launch’d a thousand ships,/ And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?,” a phrase which has been alluded to numerous times ever since.

Example #5: The Trojan War · Helen and Clytemnestra

A shudder in the loins engenders there The broken wall, the burning roof and tower And Agamemnon dead.

– William Butler Yeats, “Leda and the Swan” 9-11 (1923)

As you can read in the example above, Yeats finds an even more implicit way to allude to some of the people and events Christopher Marlowe calls into mind in Doctor Faustus. His sonnet “Leda and the Swan” vividly describes how Zeus, disguised as a swan, rapes Leda, the Queen of Sparta. From this union, Helen and Clytemnestra were subsequently born, the former responsible for the Trojan War (“the broken wall, the burning roof and tower”) and the latter the murderer of the Achaean leader (“And Agamemnon dead”). Thus, the three verses above hide allusions within allusions: by referring to the consequences (the Trojan War and the death of Agamemnon), Yeats actually alludes to the causes (Helen and Clytemnestra) without even using their names.

(Further Reading: Top 10 Examples of Allusion in Poetry)

Allusion in Literature

Example #1: Gargantua

You must borrow me Gargantua’s mouth first. ‘Tis a word too great for any mouth of this age’s size.

– William Shakespeare, As You Like It III.2.221 (1599)

This is what Celia replies to Rosalind in Shakespeare’s pastoral comedy, As You Like It, after the latter asks to answer her “in one word” a host of Orlando-related questions. (“What did he when thou saw’st him? What said he? How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes him here? Did he ask for me? Where remains he? How parted he with thee? And when shalt thou see him again?”) The meaning of the sentence is clear as it is, but it becomes even more palpable once you learn that Gargantua is a giant, the title protagonist in François Rabelais’ satirical pentalogy of novels, The Life of Gargantua and of Pantagruel.

Example #2: Methuselah

Now, you are my witness, Miss Summerson, I say I don’t care—but if he was to come to our house with his great, shining, lumpy forehead night after night till he was as old as Methuselah, I wouldn’t have anything to say to him.

– Charles Dickens, Bleak House (1853)

The son of Enoch and the grandfather of Noah, Methuselah is the oldest man mentioned in the Bible; Genesis 5:27 claims that he lived to be 969 years. Consequently, the word Methuselah is now almost synonymous with longevity, and is often used to mean “extremely aged” or “ancient.” The phrase “as old as Methuselah” is also regularly used.

Example #3: Procrustean Bed

‘The measures, then,’ he continued, ‘were good in their kind, and well executed; their defect lay in their being inapplicable to the case, and to the man. A certain set of highly ingenious resources are, with the Prefect, a sort of Procrustean bed, to which he forcibly adapts his designs. But he perpetually errs by being too deep or too shallow, for the matter in hand; and many a schoolboy is a better reasoner than he.

– Edgar Allan Poe, “The Purloined Letter” (1845)

Procrustes—literally, “The Stretcher”—was a street bandit in Greek mythology famous for the eccentricity of his modus operandi. Namely, he first invited travelers to lie on an iron bed he held in his possession, and, then, in an attempt to force them to fit the length of the bed, he either stretched them (if they were short) or cut off their legs (if they were longer than his bed). The adjective “procrustean” refers to this act, and means enforcing conformity through ruthless measures which disregard individual differences.

(Further Reading: Top 10 Allusion Examples in Literature)

Songs with Assonance

Example #1: The Cure, Killing an Arab (1979)

Standing on the beach With a gun in my hand Staring at the sea Staring at the sand Staring down the barrel At the Arab on the ground I can see his open mouth But I hear no sound

I’m alive I’m dead I’m the stranger Killing an Arab

Released a few days before the end of 1978, Killing an Arab was the controversial debut single of The Cure. As Robert Smith explains in a 1991 interview, the song “is a short poetic attempt at condensing [his] impression of the key moments in The Stranger by Albert Camus”—explicitly referenced in the chorus quoted above. However, the allusion was lost to many, leading to many accusations that Killing an Arab is a racist song which promotes violence against Arabs. As a result of the hostile response, The Cure rarely play the song even today; and when they do, they modify the last verse of the chorus to either “Killing another” or “Killing an Ahab.” And yes—the latter is another example of literary allusion!

Example #2: Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah (1984)

Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya She tied you to the kitchen chair She broke your throne and she cut your hair And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah

The second stanza of Leonard Cohen’s most covered song, Hallelujah, skillfully merges two biblical accounts. In the first three verses, it alludes to the story of David and Bathsheba, and the moment the Jewish king falls in love with the wife of Uriah the Hittite: “One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful” (2 Samuel 11:2). Furthermore, the second three verses refer to the story of Samson, an Israelite of enormous strength, who lost all of it after his lover Delilah betrayed him and cut his hair (Judges 13-16). However, Cohen subverts the climax of this story, portraying the emasculated Samson/David not as a bitter man, but one ready to greet his defeat with a “Hallelujah.”

Example #3: Frank Turner, 1933 (2018)

The first time it was a tragedy The second time is a farce Outside it’s 1933 so I’m hitting the bar.

Written—by his own admission—during the U.S. election campaign of 2016, 1933 refers, both in the title and in the last verse of the pre-chorus excerpted above, to the year when the Nazis came to power in Germany. In Turner’s opinion, something similar is happening around us at the moment. (The chorus states this explicitly: “I don’t know what’s going on anymore/ The world outside is burning with a brand-new light/ But it isn’t one that makes me feel warm.”) To point out how farcical this all seems, he alludes to a famous Karl Marx observation in the first two verses above. It can be found in The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Napoleon and, originally, it goes something like this: “Hegel remarks somewhere that all great, world-historical facts and personages occur, as it were, twice. He has forgotten to add: the first time as tragedy, the second as farce.”

(Further Reading: Top 5 Songs with Allusion)

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