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bloodycherry22 · 1 year

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Mistake | Rick Grimes

Genre: smut

Summary: The relationship between both you and Rick is negative, banter that is took too far, like frenemies. When Rick comes home injured, anger sparks and you decide to apologise by cleaning him up, he has another reward in mind ;)

Warnings: Dumbification, overstimulation, oral (fem receiving), cussing, blood, mention of injury, fingering, little bit of praise.

Not proofread

It was quiet, too quiet. Too calm and safe, Alexandria, a place full of pussies, as Daryl would say. You should appreciate it, but its hard to..being stuck in a home with a man you hate, being one of the only single people left in the group, you had to fill the gap in the household, it was fine caring for Carl and Judith, but being so close to Rick, no.

His annoying voice, that painfully soothed you and his mannerisms, how he holds himself so well, how he walks with pride, it was like your body didn't know how to respond, pure hatred or pure want due to probable daddy issues..who knows. Either way, living with the man wasn't fun, he hated the way you got on so well with his kids and how well you helped around the house, how skilled you were with walkers. Everyone seemed to grow sick of the constant bickering, seemingly why you now live in a house alone with him and his kids.. and well Carl often takes Judith out during the day.

However, Rick was on a run as of right now, god knows when he would get back, so here you are, alone, reading a book on the plush couch, decorated in carefully crafted pillows and blankets. You could only see the shine of the clean hardwood floors, the fluffy socks on your feet making it impossible to feel discomfort of the hard flooring, yet you did, feel the discomfort that is. In an apocalyptic world, most grew to find comfort in the uncomfortable, everything was too perfect, after a while, an actual prison can begin to feel like home, yet this house just didn't.

You were knocked out of your nihilistic thought, the sound of the front door opening rang through your ears, recognising it to be rick by the sounds of his heavy boots and belt moving with a rhythmic metal sound. He didn’t announce himself but he didn’t need to, his presence was clear to you. "Finally home? Another useless trip or did you actually accomplish something today?" you mumbled, keeping your eyes on the book.

He just muttered something under his breathe in response, he stood somewhere behind you, the sound of him taking his jacket off present. "hey i may as well go pour the gas out into the river, cuz you know..that's basically what your doing with all these drives..or maybe i should go shoot a brick wall-"

"Fucking- just, not now..godamnit y/n, i'm sick of whatever this is"

"anger, rudeness, teasing..there are many words you can use rick, or is your brain decaying from being around all these mindless wimps all day-"

"y/n! god, i said enough!" He snapped and only then did you look up and meet his gaze, his tired gaze. He was a mess, covered in dirt, blood splattered all over his clothes and face, a few cuts on his face and hands. Guilt flew through you as you placed your book down on the coffee table. Tiptoeing over to him, you placed a hand on his bicep as you mumbled apologies, a newfound sympathy. He went to push you away, but held back, sighing as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"shit, i just wanted to come home to peace..but i can't, your constant teasing, its like we pick fights with each other, its pathetic!" he raised his voice, it was unclear if he was angry at just you..or both of you, either way, it wasn't nice.

"Rick, look..I'll leave you be tonight, k? Or just for a little while, seems like you need a break" you swiped your thumb over his arm and he looked at you, his blue eyes deep. "I'd say go relax and take a shower but the waters off while they fix something"

"Are y'kidding? Just my fucking luck, I need to clean myself up" He groaned, tipping his head back. Chewing on your lip, you smiled, light bulb moment. You walked around the house, grabbing various items, a water bottle, a cloth and a first aid kit. "I'll help..least i can do" you mumbled, sitting on the kitchen counter before ushering him over.

He raised his brow and strode over, standing in front of you, however he kept a distance, being petty. Sighing, you signaled for him to come closer, he obliged and moved an inch or two forward, grinning mischievously at you as you looked at him, dumbfounded. With a huff, you pulled him closer, in between your legs as they hung off the counter. He accepted the position and awkwardly moved his hands before setting them on your knees nervously.

You carefully poured some water onto the cloth, looking back at him afterwards. "stay still." He nodded in response and watched as you lifted the cloth to his face, slowly wiping some of the more prominent dirt away before brushing it over his skin. His eyes flickered over your features, curiosity shining in his blue orbs. The new intimacy made you appreciate more of him, the way he licked his once dry lips, the short beard, that was streaked lightly with grey. The way his hair fell over his face ever so slightly made you shiver, he looked good. It made you wonder how many times you missed his attractiveness throughout the years, you always knew he was good looking but suddenly you felt heavily attracted to the older man.

Slowly, you brushed some of his hair away revealing a deep gash just above his eyebrow, it made you cringe ever so slightly "fuck, does that not hurt?" You asked, reaching into the first aid kit and pulling out some alcohol wipes. He shrugged, seeming zoned out and exhausted. Sighing, you bit down onto your lip and gently swiped the wipe over the cut, he flinched and gripped onto the fabric of your shirt, but you didn't mind, mumbling an apology and carrying on.

You frowned "i need to stitch that up, its super deep" you said, placing your pinky under his chin, forcing eye contact. He just nodded and gave you a look of approval, using his free hand to pat your knee in a reassuring way. You took his approval with a grain of salt and got what you needed, he watched your every move intently before closing his eyes when you got ready.

He was tough, but anyone could admit it was painful, you began to stitch it up, trying to be as gentle and quick as possible, his breathe seemed to hitch and his grip tightened in your shirt. You pursed your lips and persevered, taking great care with him. At a particularly painful part, his hand that once rested on your knee, tightly gripped at the push of your thigh, yet you managed to not react and push any dirty thoughts away.

Not long after, you finished, placing everything down and grabbing the cloth, wiping over his face once more, however his grip on your thigh didn't halt, nor did he show any signs of moving. Smiling, you placed the cloth down and looked at him, to your surprise he was already staring deep at you. You lifted your hand to pat his cheek "all done"

He grinned lightly and looked at you, the air thick and hot all of a sudden. "well thank you" he mumbled, his thumb brushing over your clothed thigh. "why do we fight?"

"i couldn't tell you, maybe its your annoying face" you joked. He scoffed, his face softening as he tipped his head to the side "the face you just took such good care of, i might just get you to do this every day" he joked, seeming to move closer.

"I dunno, i don't ever make the same mistake twice.." you clicked your tongue, finding yourself leaning towards him as if some unknown force was pulling you. He seemed impressed at your snarky remark and looked up from your lips, to your eyes, and back to your lips again.

"hm..well this better not be a mistake" he said, voice barely above a whisper as he pressed his lips against yours, it was shocking, so out of nowhere and sudden, yet you kissed back, and god it was not a mistake. Your hands fell comfortably around his neck and he hummed lightly in satisfaction, pulling back to catch his breathe, lips still dancing over yours.

It was had to breath, everything was so sudden, so much had happened, it had been so long since a man had touched you, it was like your senses were in overdrive. You craved him, wanted more of him, your fingers fumbled with the edge of his hair as you pressed a short, gentle kiss to his lips.

A low noise escaped him as his free hand sat on your lower back, pulling you closer to him as his large frame spread your thighs, the way his hand still gripped so tight onto your thigh made you whimper. You were becoming so needy, so overwhelmed by him.

He let his hand ride up your thigh, thumb rubbing over the hot material that clothed your inner thigh, his head falling into the crook of your neck. He peppered sensual kisses over your neck, his lips warm and soft as they parted on the skin of your neck, sucking a mark into the skin. His warm embrace made your head tilt back and eyes flutter back in pleasure.

His scent was exhilarating, having him so close made your heart skip a beat, you never knew you needed him, but now you feared the idea of not being so close. He pulled back from your neck, gently tugging your skin with his teeth, he stepped back, eyes on your neck. A noise left your mouth, it was pathetic and at any other time would cause you embarrassment, but his absence wasn't what you wanted. You wanted him.

He snickered, stepping back between your thighs, both hands spreading over your thighs, gripping at the skin. "someones had a change of heart" He hummed, looking into your dazed eyes, his own slightly glazed over. You just mumbled in response, one of your hands resting on his shoulder and the other on his cheek.

“You’ve gone quiet darlin..have I really made that much of a mess out of you, that fast?” He smirked, leaning to brush his lips over yours, kissing you multiple times for just seconds. You found yourself desperately leaning into him, unbeknownst to what had happened to you.

“Tell me what you want, y/n” his voice was gruff, quiet, it made your body shake. The way your name rolled of his tongue. Licking your lips, you finally spoke up “I want you to touch me, Rick”

“That’s it, good job” he teased, his tone patronising as he squeezed your thighs gently, leaning in once again yet this time kissing you harshly. His lips moving against yours, his teeth grazing over your bottom lip as his fingers fumbled with your jeans, hands sliding up the material to unbutton them, making sure to drag his fingers as close to your heat as possible.

He tugged at the jeans, pulling them down your thighs and leaving them halfway down your shins as to not break the kiss. His tongue found its way into your mouth, the kiss deepening in all the ways you craved as one of his hands played teasingly with the hem of your underwear.

You whined, hands finding his hair to tug gently, earning a groan from him as he began to mess with your panties, agonisingly slow as he began to tug them down your thighs, just like the jeans. He hummed and pulled away from the kiss, lowering himself to fully remove the clothing that rested on your legs, his cold, calloused hands slowly made there way up your legs, landing on your hips and hiking you to the very edge of the counter.

You felt exposed as he spread your thighs with his large hands, his head between them, his breathe hot against your skin as he pressed short kisses along your thighs, one of his hands moving to your heat, his eyes met yours as if he was asking for your permission, you were quick to nod. You were sure you wanted him.

He couldn’t hold back the grin against the plush or your thigh, gently sucking another mark as his thumb found your clit, circling it at a slow pace, the touch sending you insane as your head flew back. He seemed proud of himself, it was clear in the way he sped up the circles to a much nicer pace, his middle finger circling your entrance before carefully pushing inside of you.

He watched your reactions closely, his finger pushing in and out of you, curling into the soft spot you craved. Quiet, desperate moans began to leave your mouth as your hips began to move against his hands, needy. He used his free hand to halt your movements, mumbling a quiet “not yet” he shook his head. It was quick but you felt the knot in your stomach quickly tightening, your hands gripping the edge of the counter as your body tried to, but failed to move against him. He pumped his finger in and out of you at a constant pace, watching you in pleasure as you came undone.

He began to pepper kisses up your thigh, moving closer and closer before he you felt a kiss on your clit, the sensation new and amazing. His tongue circled and played with your sensitive heat, making sure to change often, his finger still inside you. Your hands found his hair, gripping tightly as you tried to keep composure, the evident feeling of him adding another finger into your tight cunt making your eyes squeeze shut. His grin was clear against your skin.

His hand finally loosened on your hips and you were able to move against his face, thighs squeezing around him slightly at the harsh pleasure. His hand wrapped around the back of it, the other still working at your cunt, pushing at the same spot over and over again as he began to suck on your clit, feeling the way your legs began to shake. Your orgasm was building up and it was obvious, the way your quiet moans turned into loud whines and desperate pleas impressed him.

He leaned his head back and used to his thumb to quickly run circles into your clit, mouth pressing kisses into your thigh again as you felt the knot releasing. He kept at his pace for a few moments longer, helping you come down from the high, watching you pant and gasp. He slowly stood up again, carefully removing his fingers and humming. He smirked at your flushed expression, seeming embarrassed. “You taste good sweetheart, we really should do this more often” he teased, kissing you softly, able to taste yourself on his tongue.

Apologies the smut seems so rushed, I wanted to get another fic out so bad and I made this up two or three hours ago lol.

#rick grimes fanfiction #rick grimes twd #rick grimes #rick grimes smut #rick grimes x reader #rick twd #twd rick #the walking dead #the walking dead fanfiction #twd smut

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solance-fics · 6 months

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Holy devil {priest Sanji x alt/gothic fem reader}

Tw: religious themes, priest Sanji,

This is due to the fact that I am absolutely obsessed with @hunnismokah s priest Sanji art and I’m not sorry

This is also probably poorly written cuz I have written anything in like a year LMAO

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Sanjis pov:

In all honesty today started completely normal, I woke up , did my morning routine , got ready for mass , welcomed everyone who attended in , held mass and now i was saying my goodbyes. Yet today one of the patrons decided to talk to me, Jane was her name. She was a sweet young woman about a two years younger than myself and her personality was as i could only describe as pure. She volunteered every week at the food drive i held for the local homeless community, she came to mass every week, not to mention she dressed in a modest way. A woman of faith is what she was and as of recently we have became friends. Though i wouldn’t ever voice this, i wanted to be with her yet unfortunately she revealed that she was think of joining the church as a sister.

Smiling softly and nodding to what she said , we walked outside. I respected her wishes and even encouraged her to do so, saying I’ll talk to one of the sisters i knew to help her out. Yet when the got outside is when this normal Sunday turned into what i felt was a test from the lord himself. Jane let out a small excited squeal as she ran towards a woman dressed in all black leaving against what was a hearse. Her hair was down , and her makeup was simple yet dark. Shadow and liner as black as coal and lips pained with a color of wine.

As I looked at her outfit I almost lost my composure, her top was a deep red with black swirls adoring it, her pants were tight and looked leather like, and on her feet were black combat boots. Yet what caught my attention was the necklace the rested at the top of her cleavage. Saint Peter’s cross rested in silver on her skin, that alone told me one of two things. One she was a woman of the devil or two she was a woman who was humble and I could decide which meaning I wished to be true.

“(Y/N) you’re here! You said you’d be coming on Tuesday!” Wrapping her arm around (y/n) Jane jumped up and down in excitement with a huge grin on her face. Letting out a small chuckle (y/n) hugged her friend back softly. “I may have told a small lie in order to surprise you, I figured if I came today I can get started on unpacking. Some of my stuff is in the back. Besides I figured I could treat you to lunch if you weren’t busy.” Jane pulled away from the hug and laughs”I’m not busy at all besides it was a lie that was meant for something good. Oh! That’s father Sanji , he’s the one I told you about!”

Y/n’s pov:

I looked where Jane pointed and my eyes widened for a second , when Jane mentioned a father Sanji I was expecting some middle aged man. Not some hot dude who looked our age, he had a goatee, and his blonde hair was pulled back into a lose ponytail yet he had this fringe that covers his right eye. In all honesty I only thought priests like him only existed in fanfics, but hey I wasn’t going to complain.

“Well in that case good afternoon father , I hope your sermon went well.” I give him a small grin. I observed how he stiffened up before shakily smiling back. “I-it did , thank you.” Fighting back a smirk I gave him a small nod. “I hope we can properly converse some other time, though it was nice to finally met you. Jane here wouldn’t stop rambling about her new friend father Sanji” I chuckle a bit. I take a few steps forward and open the passenger side door for Jane.

“Perhaps the next time Jane comes? “ Sanji spoke and i could faintly hear tiniest bit of hope in. Smirking to myself a shut the door once Jane got in the hearse. Taking my time walking to the divers side I give the priest a small teasing grin. “Maybe, but I’m not worthy of stepping into the lords house father. Yet I might just this once if that’s what you’d allow me father?” Letting out a cough Sanji nods and I take that as a sign to get into the drivers seat.

As I drive away I head Jane giggle “you gave the poor man a nose bleed! I had a feeling he struggled deeply with the sin of lust but still!” Letting out a snort and small chuckle i sake my head a bit “maybe I will join you the next time I go, he was hot. Maybe I should pray and thank god for making him?” I joke with a loud laugh earning me a small smack on my shoulder.

“I thought you weren’t very religious (n/n) ?” Jane teases. “If he’s the father around here I might just have a reason the attend church even if it’s for selfish reasons”

#one piece x reader #one piece sanji #priest sanji #vinsmoke sanji #reader insert #female reader

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the1975attheirverybest · 1 year

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Fallingforyou

A/N: This is for the anon who requested it. It’s also for anyone who loves this song. And for the person I think about whenever it comes on, who will (thank fuckin god) never read this. A bit nervous cuz I put too much pressure on myself cuz I love this song so much. Anyways. Enjoy!

warnings: tiny bit of smut but not even that much really. ——

His fingers shook as he tapped the screen. He told himself it was the unusually chilly night air, but perhaps it was his nerves. His thumb hovered over the “send” button. He looked around the empty parking lot, as if worried someone might catch him. He relented, hitting “send” and instantly wincing. It pained him to watch the message go through.

What time you comin?

He felt nauseous as he waited for a response. He didn’t always like how she made him feel. The way his love for her had reduced him to a little kid. He’s certain he never even acted this way when he was a little kid. He’s always been the smart one. The charming one. Wise beyond his years. But around her, he was a blubbering idiot. Around her, he shook, his voice cracked, his mind went blank, he could do nothing to suppress his feelings or control the butterflies in his stomach. Something about it felt innocent. He liked knowing that his heart wasn’t too scarred to be rendered anew by the purity of his love for her, but for the most part, he agonized over how silly it made him feel.

Oh, sorry. Could you come round instead? Too late and too cold to be out now.

He looked at the screen long enough to read her text before scrambling to get into his car, texting her back to let her know that he’s on the way as he buckled his seatbelt.

On the driver over, he wondered if she knew how he felt about her. The prospect of her knowing made his whole body melt. He squeezed the steering wheel anxiously. She probably knows. The whole fucking world knows. As much as he tried to hide it, it was obvious. The way he hung on her every word, moved heaven and earth to bring her something she’d forgotten she had even mentioned wanting. There was no hiding how he felt. She must not feel the same, if she hasn’t brought it up.

He knew that. He knew deep down, that she probably didn’t want the same things he did. And yet, there he was, on this night, driving over at her beck and call. And he couldn’t wait to be near her. To see her face. To hear her voice. To take whatever she was willing to bestow upon him.

***

“Come in, come in. I’m just in here.” Her silvery voice called out to him from the living room.

He walked in, giving her a quick wave. He felt awkward instantly. He hadn’t even done anything yet and he was already fucking things up. That’s not what he wanted. That’s not the night he’d pictured in his head on the way over. He promised himself to be composed, mature, reserved. To impress her with his restraint. To make her see the side of him that always crumbled to pieces in her presence. To see if, maybe, just maybe, if she got to see him in a new light, maybe he could change her mind?

“Oi! Matty!” She’d been calling for him.

“Where’d you go?! Close the door and sit down, will you?”

“Right. Yeah, sorry.” He bent over the couch she’d been sitting in to give her a hug. She smelled of cedar wood, vanilla, and the cigarette she was smoking. Matty’s favorite scent in the world. He swore he could get a boner from the smell alone. His heart definitely fluttered every time he encountered it.

He pulled away to sit right next to her, his shirt getting caught on her zipper. “Oh, shit! I’m- so-rry. Fuck!” His trembling hands messed with the zipper in an attempt to free himself, but he only seemed to make it worse. Strike number 2, and the night hasn’t even started yet.

She chuckled, shaking her head. “Here, it’s okay. I got it…” she reached her hand down to help him, his hand lingering at her leg as he pulled away.

“Sorry- I- umm. Clumsy.” He shrugged.

“Oh, no, it’s fine! Don’t worry about it.” She gave him a sweet smile. “So, how was your day?” She pulled out her cigarette pack and offered him one, lighting it for him.

Matty blushed at her question. It was sweet of her to be so interested. Made him feel special. Even though he knew it was the bare minimum. Still, it meant something to him. And it gave him hope. The truth is, sometimes he felt like she didn’t see him. Like she’d be looking at him and seeing right through him. In her world, he wasn’t a constant. He wasn’t that big of a deal.

He caught himself thinking that he would exchange the adoration of thousands, for one chance with her. As pathetic as it sounded. He just wanted her to see him.

“My day was fine, yeah. How-uh- how was yours?” His hand brushed her leg again, as she spoke, testing the grounds. Perhaps there’s an opening here? A chance. Did she really just ask him here to talk about her day? Not that he minded. He’d take anything that she was kind enough to spare him. But he didn’t want to run the risk of thinking of himself as someone who mattered to her.

She blew the smoke out of her mouth. It went between them, covering her eyes and obscuring his vision of her. He thought she looked gorgeous.

“My day was shitty. Getting better now though.” She smiled innocently at him and he thought he saw an opening. Perhaps his best bet here is to just tell her how he feels. The-one-day-at-a-time approach hasn’t gotten him anywhere so far. Maybe he just needs to do it. Get it over with. Now. Maybe she would at least respect him for having the guts to try. Maybe he would plant the seed of desire in her mind.

He leaned in closer, “listen,” his voice cracked. Fuck. It was happening. Her effect on him was showing. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to say to you. I- I don’t- I don’t think there’s a way to say it without just coming right out with it, so, I think. I’m just going to.” His heart pounded in his chest, making his breathing shallow. “I think I’m-“

“Matty, don’t.” Her hand reached for the hand he’d left on her leg. “Whatever you think you feel…what ever you’re about to say- don’t say it. Not right now. Please?”

No, no, no! This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He was supposed to just tell her. Make her hear him. Make her see him. Make her think of him as someone she could potentially- fucking hell! “Listen, just give me a minute, I just-“

She leaned in close, her face inches from his, grabbing him by the face. “Matty, look at me. Can’t we just be friends tonight?” Her eyes were full of desperation. “Hmm? Whatever you wanna say- not tonight. Maybe someday. Not tonight. Tonight, I just want-“ she kissed his lips. Sending heat throughout his body.

Matty’s eyes fluttered shut, he leaned back into the couch, giving her room to climb closer on top of him. His hands grabbed her waist to help steady her as her tongue slipped past his lips.

They parted, begrudgingly, to catch their breath. Matty smiled up at her as she panted and brought his lips to her neck. Kissing down, leaving wet marks all over her neck and jaw line.

#matty healy #matty healy fanfiction #matty healy x y/n #matty healy x reader #matty healy x you #matty Healy angst #matty Healy one shot #Matty Healy fanfic #matty healy smut

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levmada · 6 months

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2 month T update the day before

- finally gave in and got a haircut bc i had a mullet and the length was stressing me out (honestly expected tho bc i’ve always gotten sick to my stomach when my hair grew any longer than to my shoulders). and it actually went rly well. only two people were working and there was a lot of chatting, and i got called ‘man’ a lot (in the same way you’d call someone dude at the end of a sentence. that probably makes no sense but i’m tired asf rn so take it).

anyway it’s much shorter and looks rly good :3

- started packing a bit ago and that’s actually done wonders for my confidence. i think cuz it’s more like a harness you pack yourself instead of it being realistic

- this is so lame but i’m more engaged in class bc i’m always looking for any way to answer a question and use my voice. i’ve always been that type of person (chronic teachers pet disorder/j) but i always talked quietly and felt unsure of myself in a way i couldn’t explain until i started T

on that topic i think my voice dropped even more since last week. it’s honestly been crazy but maybe has to do with how much i’ve been training it. it’s unmistakably masculine./very pos

- uhmmmm so for many years now i’ve been dyeing my hair black when i’m a natural blond and i couldn’t ever explain to someone why other than ‘it looks better’ and i’m emo asf (don’t worry, that phase never ended for me) but it’s occurred to me since i’m getting the slightest littlest bit of facial hair that it’ll be a pain in the ass to dye it consistently and the idea of going back to blond doesn’t make me want to curl up and hide in a hole which is very shocking to me. i was very very set on dyeing my hair black FOR LIFE. i’m not rly sure why T has changed that. maybe it’s cos i associated blond hair w being a girl or i hated my appearance so much while… it’s getting much better now. i NEVER would’ve comprehended on my own that that preference was cuz of gender dysphoria

i still need to think abt it tho

- last week (?) i posted a voice comparison thingy and it sounded so good. turns out i posted it just in time for me to start sounding like a frog that just woke up and smoked a pack of cigarettes. it’s kind of annoying😩

- ACNE ALL OVER MY FACE

- growing a ton of hair like everywhere but especially my arms. like on my fingers too??? and like i mentioned already above my lip. which has all been rly nice

- started working out a bit ago to build muscle which has been good for my mental health :3 on top of T making it easier to gain muscle, but i haven’t done it long enough to see results yet LOL

- emotions are so weird. at my 1 month mark i rambled about it and here i am again :3 my bipolar 1-bpd-a bunch of psychotropic drugs combo makes my experience hyper specific, but i’m less of an intensely neurotic excitable crazy person.

before, i didn’t cry probably as much as a normal person but now it’s physically impossible. not in an emotionally constipated way, i FEEL sad, but it just doesn’t happen.

i feel emotions more mellow in general. but i’m probably more like your emotionally unavailable but well meaning older brother

- my feet have gotten bigger i stg bc my shoes which used to fit me just don’t. i have small feet for an afab person anyway :3

- i’ve noticed that my hips are slightly less curved but i couldn’t tell you where the fat has gone 🤷🏻

- i think that’s it for now :3333

not sfw under the cut

- still no menses :333🙏

- sex drive has evened out A LOT which has been nice

- bottom growth continues. random erections are like getting hit with a flash bang but it’s oddly gender affirming

#i GUESS i have some things to thank my dad for #😌#↱k.tm #trans #ftm

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ariesbilly · 1 year

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Steve who goes to Max's house one day because she took his bat or something and told him to just sneak in using the spare key because Neil's taking 'them all' to dinner and get it back. Who's surprised to see to Camaro still on the driveway, but then remembers what Max said and breathes out because, obviously, they just went in Neil Hargrove's truck. No sense in taking two vehicles when one has enough space for all four of you, right?

Steve who thinks he hears something when he strides past the Camaro, stops, listens, but its quiet. So he shrugs, goes on ahead into the house. Max told him it was the second door on the left so in he goes, does his best to get-it-get-out because rummaging through a girl's room is not his ideal way to spend a Saturday afternoon, and he's creeping back towards the front door when the Camaro rocks on its wheels a little.

And, naturally, Steve's first thought flits to something Upside Down-y. He can't help it. The slightest flicker of lights or bad smell or too-dark shade of red makes him think of that place, and his second is to chastise himself because its broad fucking daylight, the Gates are gone, and its probably some neighborhood mutt or raccoon or something. Or a trick of his brain. Its been doing that a lot lately.

Except he pulls the door shut a bit too loudly and the Camaro wiggles again, the tiniest, most muffled noise coming from somewhere. And Steve looks around it. Under it. Behind it. Bangs his palm on the side-rear end in case some wild animal somehow got inside (and honestly he wishes he could be a fly on the wall when Billy comes home to discover some rabid raccoon took a dump in his precious car or something) and.

The noise is coming from the trunk...

i am going to yell!!!!!

and billys inside hearing footsteps and shuffling outside and assumes its neil and hes learned not to kick and scream and cry to be let out cuz it just makes his time in there last longer, but he still cant help the panicking so he's whimpering, trying to muffle any sound trying to escape his mouth. and his breathings going crazy and in this tight space its making the car move every time billy flinches.

so thats all steve hears. and of course he thinks its an animal (though his mind does start to wander but surely billy nots that psychotic. to keep a person in his trunk???) but the thoughts already planted itself in his head and he cant just leave a whole person in a trunk because what the fuck??? so he runs back in the house to find something to pick the lock with and billy is the absolute last person he expected to find in there. let alone a shaking crying panting billy who doesnt even look like he knows where he is let along whos in front of him hes so far gone.

and steve immediately just kind of forgets any beef they have and focuses instead on getting billy out (which takes some effort. he doesnt know how long billys been in there but its been enough time that his limbs have kind of cramped up on him and he needs steves help to move)

once billy calms down enough steve manages to get out of him that neil put him there and he makes the executive decision that billys not gonna be in that house when neil gets home. he doesnt know what to do with billy but he just knows to get him in steves car and they start driving. and before steve knows it theyre at joyces place, because shes the most responsible adult he knows apparently and some higher power or force or whatever just knew thats where to go.

and of course billy gets pissed when steve goes running his mouth, and joyce gets hopper involved (maybe he was already there) and billy makes a big fuss about how he doesnt want anything done to neil he doesnt want to make this a big deal, he'll be 18 soon enough and be able to fend for himself etc etc but joyce is putting her foot down like you are NOT going back to that man i'll kill him myself if i must...and billy believes her. she's small but mighty

maybe he stays with joyce. maybe he goes with hopper. maybe steve offers up his house cuz theres spare bedrooms that joyce and hopper dont have.

maybe neil tries confronting billy or joyce or hopper one day to get him back into the house but joyce is like "try anything i swear to god i will end your life"

and thats how billy gets adopted by better parents and also ends up with a boyfriend down the line the end!

#thoughts were awoken #harringrove #briana answers things

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theschizotypalsolilquy · 14 days

Text

In the past three days, I've maybe had five hours of sleep.

It's not helping that my mom's oxygen machine is fucked up and keeps going off with an alarm for some unknown reason at all hours of the night.

I was supposed to get out of the house later today, maybe go to Half Price Books or something. But I was asleep for maybe 45 minutes when that fucking alarm went off again and there was no chance in hell of going back to sleep.

It is 629 am. I don't want to go anywhere today, but my mother is forcing me out so I can do something for myself and not have to be on call. And all I can think about is driving down to the park near our home and trying to nap in my jeep instead of going out and being around other mortals.

Lack of sleep is never good for someone who is as mentally ill as I am. But I stopped taking my pills years ago cuz it was thinning my hair and fucking up other things with my health. I tend to be okay and can steer clear of triggers, but when my sleeping habits become even worse than they already are, I'm likely to have a schizophrenic episode.

Fucking yay

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tiedtothetraintracks · 6 months

Text

The other night I went to a Halloween party my butch was having at her house. We had been excited about it for weeks. I planned the perfect costumes for us— vampire & victim. For the week or so leading up the party, she started to get worried. What if she’s overcome by lust and unable to maintain her gentlemanly reputation amongst her friends? I would always tell her, “abandon shame”. I say this often when she gets shy or embarrassed. Every time we’d talk about it I would tease that it’s going to become a self fulfilling prophecy. And… yeah, it did.

We start getting ready for the party. My usually flannel clad butch was wearing my flowy low cut top (with a real bra!) and corset. I styled her accessories, stacked necklaces and an askew belt with chains. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her… the best part, is when she’d bend over I could see the waistband of her boxers which was so sexy and gender I couldn’t contain myself and had to cover my smitten grin. She saw the look on my face and laughed at me. Well deserved.

Then, she wanted me to do her makeup. Without saying a word she knelt on the floor in front of me, I was sat cross legged at the edge of her lofted bed. This brought us face to face. Again I avert my eyes and fight a blush coming on. The height kink within me was going wild. And with her on her knees in front of me… the power dynamics felt shifted if even just for a moment. I held her face and smudged black eyeshadow around her eyes. Telling her where to look and when to relax her eyes. When she opened them to look me right in my eyes I knew I was going to be in for a long night.

So the party kicks off, we’re socializing, I’m making impressions on her friends, being my regular social butterfly self. And people keep asking, what’s my costume? I say, a little too eagerly, oh no I’M not a vampire. I motion to my “I ❤️ Vampires” tank top and the “bite marks” on my neck. I’m a willing victim, of course! I’m really into it. It’s like a symbiotic relationship. I say this all with a smile, and I can see her hearing me tell people this… all night, enthusiastically declaring my consent and devotion for my vampire master. This drives her crazy.

Now, she’s having fun at the party. It’s a party full of HER friends. And I’m happy for her you know but, deep down I just want her so bad. I pull her aside and ask if she wants to smoke alone on the porch. We go out there and I say look, you’ve been hyping up for weeks how bad you want me at this party. I want you to want me. Cuz I want you. I think that made something click in her brain because we went back inside and sat on the couch for probably less than 5 minutes. She’s all over me. Hand on my thigh, arm around me, holding me closer.

And you know, I just can’t take it. Her lofted twin bed in her room that’s in the middle of the apartment wouldn’t do. I ask her, looking innocent enough, how busy is your street at this time of night? Oh not busy at all? Great! Let’s go fuck in your car. She agreed immediately. We made a swift exit maybe muttering some kind of excuse of having to get something from the car. I teased her for how easily convinced she was. She had no rebuttal. We got the car, she pushed the seats forward, I got in and hiked my skirt up, she got in on the other side and then she was on me.

Biting into my neck, I moaned loud to let her know how badly I wanted her, how I painfully waited, how I had been so good for her. She wouldn’t let up. Lying me down on the backseat her hand moved down to pull my panties to the side and I was already dripping wet for her. She remarked on this, and said how she heard me declaring myself as her victim all night and now she can’t help herself. I just grinned and leaned back to encourage her teeth in my neck. She sunk them in again, then started slow down below, rubbing my clit lightly and gently but even then I was already going crazy grinding against her. I needed her bad. She always tells me, I’m barely touching you and you’re so needy? Whining for more, she sped up. It didn’t take much and I came so quick, my legs shaking hard. But I still wanted more.

I totally lost count eventually. We were in the car for around an hour and a half. My brain switched off probably halfway through. Finally I sat up and— oh. I had soaked completely through her jeans on her thigh. This was an accomplishment for me! I had a major case of fuckbrain at this point and could really only giggle involuntarily and say incomprehensible nonsense. My makeup was smeared, my hair had come undone, and my neck was covered in hickeys. Despite this, we returned to the party and “acted normal”. Deep down, I loved that it was so obvious. I want everyone to know I’m hers. 💘

#first time posting something like this I’m not used to writing like this but I wanted to share ☺️#wlw nsft #butchfemme nsft #vampire nsft #nsft story #stone butch #pillow princess #backseat lover <3 #diary

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koulakoukoula2003 · 2 years

Note

DILF! erwin please

bro imma write this while listening to lana cuz sugardaddy dilf erwin only deserves lana playing in the background 😌👌

honestly i wanna suck erwin's big fat cock while he's sealing off cocaine deals with his business partners that are as much of crime lords as he is emkjrhgiugjnhb🥴🥴🥴🥴

IM SO SORRY THIS HAS BEEN IN MY DRAFTS FOR SO LONGGG

my work and the driving lessons are consuming all my time 😞🤚

Sin (Erwin x Reader)

Pairing: Erwin x Reader Genre: smut smut smut lotsa smut MDNI, Erwin is a hot DILF and he saw you in the same college he sends his daughter and after you two get together, he arranges for you to meet his daughter but you don't get along well so he fucks u cuz you're being a bad girl :( Trigger Warnings: MDNI THIS IS SMUT and rough smut (yes im repeating myself) sugardaddy!dilf!Erwin x college student!fem!reader Tagging: @antoxsmith @killerbananas @syrma-sensei @shrekisshrimpthesimp @nighttimescribbles @nathalunalune @hopeless-daydream3r @slavanimesimp @dassmyname @macyomoiji

He loved to watch you while you put on your makeup. Pretty girl, sitting in front of your mirror. Hair tucked to silky perfection and skin cleaner and softer and precious. Your back was exposed from that pretty, crimson red dress he had picked for you. He had just bought it for you. Ten grand went off on just that dress. Not to mention everything else. Your shopping sprees, the silky sheets you both slept on, the pretty lingerie that adorned your perfect body.

He loved fucking you into them.

Erwin took a sip from that heavy glass of whiskey tucked on a piece of furniture beside him. He watched you as you painted your pretty eyelashes in deep black and then you painted your pretty lips in glistering crimson.

You were absolutely breathtaking. His sweet little girl. His perfect, spoiled little princess deserved nothing less but the most expensive jewellery. He adorned your pretty body in gold and silver. In the most expensive dresses and makeup.

His pretty girl deserved nothing less. Your sweet and awestruck daddy who provided everything for you. You were actually a student in the same college he sent his daughter.

You didn't really know her. You were both studying different degrees so it hadn't occured for you two to meet.

It was kind of sick and twisted and perverted of him to date a girl the same age as his daughter. Of course, the two of you had come up with a different story to tell tonight when you were supposed to meet her. But maybe, you were both twisted and perverted, because you loved your sweet daddy's purse just as much as he loved your body.

It was jackpot really. He was picking up his daughter from college one day when he saw you walk across the street on campus. You had caught his eye right away. Next thing you knew, someone had paid your fees for the entirety of the next three years of your studies and the rent of your apartment.

You finished painting your pretty lips in red, before you stood up off the chair and you turned to look at him in all your gorgeous glory. Your pretty chest exposed just perfectly behind that v neckline, and that slit on your dress was allowing a beautiful glimpse of your elegant leg with every step you made towards him.

A small smirk spread on his lips as he watched you.

"I'm ready," you smiled at him that innocent smile that you knew drived him insane.

He stood up and approached you. He caught your hand and gave you a spin, wrapping his arms around you and urging you to press your back against his chest. You let out a small gasp at the sudden move and his hot breath fanned against your ear as your head rolled back on his shoulder.

Your chest looked amazing from that angle.

"You're going to behave, is that understood?"

You frowned. "You know I can't promise that,"

"Then there will be punishment..." his tongue slipped hot and wet across your earlobe and you shivered "...is that what you really want?"

You bit your lip. "I guess we'll find out," You pulled away with a mischievous grin and you grabbed your bag.

Let's just say that you were an absolute bitch to his daughter that night. You couldn't help it. She was such a spoiled brat. He always kept saying how she took after her mother - the woman he had divorced. And it showed. There was no way this man was related to that mindless bitch.

Nevertheless, she was his only child and he had a soft spot for her. So he wasn't pleased with your insolent behaviour.

Maybe that's why he excused you both and he grabbed your wrist and dragged you out of the dining hall of the hotel. He shoved you in the nearest staff only storeroom. There was barely any light but you didn't need any.

He kissed you hard, shoving your bear back agaisnt the cold wall. He literally dragged you to the small counter and picked you up, pulling you on top of it as if you weighed absolutely nothing. God, you loved how he manhandled you with such ease.

He wrapped his thick long fingers around your neck as he pulled back from the messy kiss. He forced your lips open with his thumb pressing on your lower lip and a globe of spit landed on your awaiting tongue. You mewled like a needy whore, swallowing right away.

His fingers tightened around your throat, restricting your oxygen slightly. "Dirty fucking girl." His hand snuck beneath the slit of your dress and found your cunt right away, sneaking beneath your panties. He rubbed on your clit and you gasped. "Look at you..." he shoved two fingers inside right away. The stretch made you cry out, but he forced his fingers inside your mouth to shut you up. "...dripping like a slut. Is that why you did it? Being very fucking rude to my little girl? Those aren't the manners daddy taught you."

"I'm... your... little girl!" You gasped for air when he released your throat and you let out a cough. Your eyes widened when the realisation hit you. Had you really just said that?

"Ah, I see..." his fingers dug deep inside you, nudging your spot making you moan pathetically. "...you're jealous, hmm? Jealous another girl your age has my attention? Jealous of my own daughter? You're unbelievable, y/n-"

"That's not what I-!" You cried out instead as he scissored his fingers inside you, sending powerful jabs on your sensitive spot that made your whole body shudder. You grabbed his shirt for support and you bit your lip. "D- Daddy, please, if you keep that up, I'm... I'm gonna-"

He pulled his fingers out of you, denying you an impending orgasm and you sobbed. Poor cunt clenching around nothing. He forced the wet digits inside your mouth, shutting up your whining. His other hand remained around your neck, letting you know that he could choke you any moment if he felt like it.

"You don't get to cum when you're being such a bad little girl." He pulled his fingers out of your mouth and he shoved you off the counter, flipping you, bending you over it. He pushed your dress aside, revealing your perfect little ass, practically begging to be smacked and marked. "You'll take twenty, and you're going to count thank for each and every one of them, is that understood?"

You sobbed. "Please, daddy, please, I'll be good, I'll be good, just- Ah!"

The first blow was harsh. It knocked you forward and it caught you off guard. You weren't ready to silence yourself. You hoped nobody had been passing by outside.

"One! T- Thank you, sir!"

The first ten were merciless, but your muffled sounds were so fucking hot. Your little whimpers and sobs and the pretty tears that he was certain were running down your cheeks, ruining the makeup you had put so much effort on. But you were a good girl and counted and thanked him. It's not like you could do otherwise. If you lost count you'd start over.

You were a crying mess by the time he was done with you. Your wetness had ran down your thighs, ruining your panties and your clit throbbed so hard for attention, your head was buzzing. You only hoped he'd fuck you now. There was no way you would keep up that terrible behaviour now.

"Has my little girl learned her lesson?" He soothed the burning, red skin with his calloused hands. Imprints of his palms were scattered all over your backside. Sitting down was going to be a challenge for about a week now.

"I- I have, daddy, please... please... just fuck me now... please..."

His arms roamed all around you and he leaned down to you, bringing his chest to your back. He buried his face in your neck from behind and he pressed a kiss on your shoulder.

"That's a good girl. You can cum now. You've earned it," he took out his hard cock and shoved it inside your wet cunt with ease. Both of you moaned in pleasure and he wrapped his arms around you, lifting your body upwards, pressing your back against his chest as he started fucking you fast and rough right away.

You wailed but he wrapped a hand around your mouth, shutting you up while his cock drilled into your sensitive spot over and over. Your legs were shaking and you would've dropped on the floor if he wasn't holding you. The sounds of your wet pussy clenching around his pumping cock were almost louder than your muffled sounds and his groans. Hot breath fanned to your ear and warm tears ran down your cheeks as he brought you to the highest heights of ecstasy.

His hand let go of your belly and buried between your legs, rubbing your clit till you were cumming all over his cock that kept fucking you. He pulled two, maybe three orgasms in a row out of you before cumming all over your spasming hole. You collapsed on the counter and he on top of you, both of you breathing hard.

"Did I go too hard on you?" He pressed a kiss on your shoulder.

"You know I love whatever you do to me, daddy," you purred and he smiled in your neck.

"That's a good girl."

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nimnomdimsum · 6 months

Text

Strawberry Jam

The context of this is that a girl named Millie from the city got stuck on the side of the road and a guy named Ben (hot sexy farmer) helped drive her to his town to the mechanic (also super hot sexy) they spend a few day together and now they making jam cuz Ben grows strawberries

"You pour the hot water into the jars so they don't break when u put in the jam," he said in a grumpy but matter of fact tone.

"I know."

He looked at me strangely, with a hint of disbelief in his eyes "What do you mean you know?"

"I used to make jam with my ma when I was younger"

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, turning back to stirring the strawberry jam "So yer one of those city girls."

I squinted and tilted my head to the side "What city girls?"

"The rich kind that had a garden in their backyard and 'farmed for a hobby' the irritatin' ones"

Not feeling necessarily offended but more wronged, I huffed and said "that's mighty rude assuming I was a rich girl that had expensive hobbies. Not that there's anything wrong with having a cute little hobby like making jam."

He looked back at me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk "You sayin I'm wrong?"

"I don't like sounding cliché, but yes, my family and I weren't dying of poverty but we sure weren't rich."

"Livin in the city? You were middle class at least "

"I didn't grow up in the city"

"Then where did u grow up, here?" He asked sarcastically.

"I grew up 3 towns away, about 50 miles from the town"

He paused his stirring, his eyes grew wide and he turned to me "You grew up in Yanner? The town of dust?"

"Yup, grumpiest people you'd ever meet", I said with a smile

"Then why you and yer family in the city, no one ever leaves yanner"

"Like I said, we weren't dying and I was smart kid. I got scholarships and my pa was the only farm that had kinda decent soil to farm"

"Fuck, millie, I didn't even grow up that fuckin poor. What school did you go to?"

"The one here actually, It wasn't fun" I smiled

He looked puzzled, does that mean they went to the same school? "why did you hate it, the kids too posh" he said dryly

I giggled " Nah, it was the drive here and back. Spent most of my day in those buses. Woke up at 4 am to get to school and got home at 6pm. Just in time to make and pack jam with my ma"

"School started at 8 and ended at 2, you tellin me you spent 8 hours a day just on a fuckin bus and u still went to school and did ya chores at home???"

"Yup! It was ok tho, got most of my homework and studying done on those buses. So I had a lot of free time when I got home and over the week ends"

"What did u even do on the weekends? Sleep?"

I chuckled "I wish. I was helping my ma sell the jam at this cute little tea shop in town. Ah I fucking loved making jam with my ma, she preped the fruit, I cooked and jarred them"

"Sounds to me u did all the work" he said a bit annoyed that my mom didn't do more with me.

"It was the deal tho, if I didn't want to help pick, clean, cut and peel the fruit, I'd have to make and jar the jam myself. I hated prep"

He shook his head with a smile on his face, of course she hates prep, the lazy shit. "You said u went to the school nearby? How old are u? I never saw u around."

"I didn't see u either, maybe you graduated before me. We also hung out with very different ppl. You probably would have bullied me, heh"

He didn't say anything for a while, he was a pretty shitty kid "I'm 25, the class of 2023"

My eyes when wide "no fucking ways. You're a lying shit"

"What, why tf am I a lying shit!?" He said annoyed.

I laughed hysterically "how tf am I 3 years older than u. I was the class of 2020"

It was his turn to looked shocked "THERES NO FUCKIN WAY YER 28, YER LITERALLY STILL IN SCHOOL "

"Yes fucking way. I've been studying for 5 years dude, i just dropped out fer a while cuz I developed a stress disorder so I looked after my family and worked for a mechanic in town."

"Who? There's only 3 mechanics in this area and my best friends one of them." He said like I just told him the most unbelievable thing in the world.

I rolled my eyes,"It wasn't Jackie, it was Mike, he was fine as fuck."

"Gross, don't be thinkin nasty things while talkin to me." He said a little upset but definitely grossed out.

"What? Can't a girl appreciate a guy's good looks"

"Not when it's u Millie, I can practically see what u thinkin and it could make a sailor blush"

"Someones blushing alright" I smirked looking at ben's red ears.He scoffed , turning back to the jam. He was clearly embarrassed and annoyed, and decided to ignore me.

I didn't mind though, the silence was nice. It allowed me to look at the house more. It was quite big since it housed 2 other men, Jackie and Grant, they were sweet fellas and kind enough to let me stay here until Jackie fixed my car.

I hopped off the counter and walked towards Ben, he took notice of this but ignored me so I got closer til my chin rested on his shoulder.

"Can ya back off a lil, I'm tryna bottle this hot shit and I don't wanna spill", he said a little disgruntled

"Nah, you’re fine, plus if ya burn yourself I'll kiss it better," I said with a chuckle, a joke to lighten the old grump but instead of rolling his eyes or pushing me off, he froze and looked at me with wide eyes and his ears a bright red and looked back to the jam he was pouring into a jar. He slowly tilted further and further from the jar and closer to his hand, my eyes went wide and I pulled his hand away "WAIT! I was joking, if you wanted a kiss, could've just asked"

He burnt even redder now, turning his head as far away from me as possible, under his breath he mumbled and 'oh' and I laughed. I turned his head to face to face me and tried to stare into his eyes but he averted contact, clearly very embarrassed. I giggled again and kissed his bottom lip since I was too short to reach his full mouth.

That got his attention since he gasped and looked at me with wide eyes, now his whole face was red, from his ears to his neck and probably lower, "Do you want me to do it again?"

"Yes”

Heyyyy…so this is kinda embarrassing but I wanted my bbg koi to judge it cuz this has been in the making for 2 years. HOPE U LIKE MWAH MHWA

Part 2

#cowboy #oc #strawberry jam #romance #random #quick write #kinda embarrassed but that Megumi fic is taking to long #cute #fluff #self indulgent #cringe

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yeonjun4beagles · 2 months

Text

tw: long rant, mental health issue

today i went out with my mum and my bio dad, cuz he wanted us to accompany him buying stuffs for his new house and otw back home, i cried while driving... cuz honestly i miss the family we used to be, i miss having a father in my everyday life. their divorce when i was 14 broke me, truly. i started having suic*dal thoughts right around that time, my world started crumbling down. there's this hole in my heart that keeps chipping away all the time. i keep trying to find ways to fill that void, whether good ways or even bad ones. i harmed myself, maybe not physically but god, even mentally is just as bad. i keep going in and out of my head, this shit even affected my social life, ive lost contact with so many cuz i cant do shit for a long period of time and i dont like that cuz i love all my friends but god im so messed up. do i sound like i havent moved on? maybe. but does any divorced child ever move on? idk. it hurts. its suffocating. whatever this feeling in my chest is. yes i may smile, i may stand strong but this untold pain inside me still remains. idk if it will ever heal, idk if its ever gonna stop hurting. i dont even wanna tell my friends what i feel anymore cuz its always the same thing. im tired and im pretty sure theyre tired too. its tiring. surviving.

i just. miss feeling whole again.

im sorry to whoever decides to read this, but i just need to let a little of whatever im feeling out.

#dl

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crashingwavesinmyworld · 2 months

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I’m not gonna act like I’m perfect and that I’ve never made mistakes or sometimes said hurtful things when upset (who hasn’t though) but I’m tired of being treated like the villain in a situation where I’m the victim and I’m tired of any way i try to defend myself or when I’m just trying to get answers is seen as me having a “BPD meltdown” or “lashing out.”

I have every right to be hurt and angry and sad but I think I’m handling it pretty well regardless??? And I wouldn’t need to constantly defend myself or speak about how hurt I am or any of that if this dickhead had just properly communicated with me in the first place or at the very least didn’t try to paint me as some dangerous crazy person for something that wasn’t my fault and like even if it hadn’t been about me fainting and was about me being depressed/suicidal, once again I was the only one hurting there no one else was getting hurt it doesn’t make me dangerous you ableist fucks and if it was such an issue why did he assure me everything was fine? He blatantly lied to me and so did his girlfriend and I don’t know at this point what was true and what isn’t true and it’s honestly disgusting that she thinks I’m the problem and has been using my BPD as a way to demonize me.

This was all because of her coward boyfriends inability to communicate like a mature adult. But I didn’t even fucking do anything I’ve been trying to move on. All that happened is last night after I finally had felt okay and strong enough to hang out in the food court which I haven’t been able to do cuz I feel like I’m being watched. But then after I came out of the bathroom his girlfriend was sitting outside, she didn’t see me right away and I wanted to say hi but I didn’t cuz of what she’d said a few weeks ago about him not wanting her talking to me and as dumb as it is I wanted to respect that, I went and sat away from her and went back to my music or whatever I was doing.

But then when she did see me she walked away without saying anything. That hurt a lot but what hurts worse is he eventually came out and saw me and walked past me too without saying something, and his girlfriend intentionally parked the car right by where I was sitting so I had to see him get in the car, I tried leaving after this I was gonna go to the grocery store but when I was walking there suddenly he was driving and he was stopped in front of me and he looked at me again and so I turned and went the other way but he ended up parking in a random parking spot by where I was walking and got out of the car for no reason seemingly just to make sure I saw him then when I kept walking he got back in like I feel like he was trying to torture me on purpose. Like who tf does this?

Maybe I’m being paranoid and I know they would deny doing this but it just all felt very intentional. I can’t believe I ever called these people my friends. No matter how many problems I have I wouldn’t have ever done something like this to them. Sometimes I wonder if this is karma for my past mistakes cuz I have said and done a lot of things I regret. I’ve always tried to make things right and apologize and correct my behavior but maybe to the universe that isn’t good enough.

But even then even though it’s not an excuse most things I’ve said or done that have been wrong usually happened when I was hurt first by whoever it was or I saw them treating someone else poorly and that doesn’t make it okay obviously and it’s not an excuse but im just saying I’m not a vindictive person or vicious person purposely out to get people or harm people.

Most of the examples I can think of were several years ago anyway before I even knew these people. And usually if anything I may say something bitchy or mean after being provoked or backed into a corner (usually to my mom more than anyone) but like these people are acting like I was a threat to their safety… I am not this dangerous crazy person they’re making me out to be.

I cared so deeply for them I would have done anything for them and it makes me sick that I could care so much for people that could just so easily hurt me then move on like it’s nothing. I think the differences between me and them is that if I say or do something wrong whether I realizes it at the time or realizes it later I always feel deep regret and always always apologize and try to make it right. Whereas they are blaming me and making it seem like my justified hurt is irrational. Well her and not him because he still hasn’t said a damn word to me. Coward. God just the thought of him makes me sick. I can’t believe I used to think he was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. And that I used to think he was the one guy to treat me with respect despite seeing me at my worst (about 6 years ago) and even recently before all of this he wasn’t treating me any differently everything was fucking fine that’s why I don’t fucking understand!!! And like the fact that he knows too how scared I was of getting hurt and losing people….asshole. He knows I felt so much pain which I was why I went to the hospital which he was so supportive and sweet about but now I’m in worse pain than I was then and he’s nowhere to be found. But that’s the thing I never needed or wanted emotional support from him. I just enjoyed talking to him about books and music. It’s all just so fucked and in sick of it all

#long post

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wilchur · 9 months

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Saw someone else do it and I think I've done this before too, but the list has grown since then a bit so here's my current lineup of read dead wips that I'm working on!! :D Minus the stuff that's already posted on AO3 cuz I see no point in doing a synopsis for things that have left my google drive and you can go and read ahah.

Turned out loooooong so lookie under the cut if you're interested in knowing what I'm up to.

Morston Soulmate AU (title tba, multichapter, around 20-30k when finished) - An AU where you can feel all the injuries your soulmate gets, both minor and major ones. There's no soul marks, seeing your soulmate get hurt and connecting the dots is the only way to find out. Has a lot of time skips and focuses more on feelings than events, but starts out pre-canon when John almost gets lynched and works its way towards the end of the canon story. Chapters alternate between Arthur's and John's POV. Canon compliant :)

RDR2 "Modern AU" (title tba, multichapter, long as shit) - I only call it a modern AU for the sake of simplicity... I'm not sure if it counts as one. Set in 1999 and focuses on the case of Arthur Matthews -- a 36 year old adoptive son of the infamous criminal defence lawyer Hosea Matthews, who went missing without a trace for six months and then reappeared miles from his hometown, seemingly unharmed, but also... not quite right. Delusional, confused, suffering from some sort of memory impairment. The story is about Arthur struggling to adapt to being back home in a reality that is apparently foreign to him. Outsider's/John's POV, but not really shippy. It can be read as pre-slash, though.

My Self-Indulgent Jesse/Arthur fic (another title tba lol, it's too early to tell but I'm thinking multichapter? A collection of scenes from 1878 to 1899) - This one is for me and me only, though I will eventually post it 😂 Written in second person, like a reader-insert and can be read as one if someone wants to, but I am including Jesse's backstory and feelings that are way too specific to be immersive for anyone but myself... I'm working real hard to write it in a way that portrays growing up queer in that time somewhat realistically, so it's not always pretty, but I do try to keep it not that depressing. Features: Jesse's early-life backstory, the story of the scar, his first Gay Experience, how his brothers died, the ups and downs of his relationship with Arthur, why they eventually broke up for what felt like last time, how he got arrested (altered RDO storyline bit) and how he got back up with the gang. I'm planning to do a rough rewrite/fix-it of the canon story with him in it too, but that's... an "one day" thing ajsddjfk

Morston Omegaverse (title tba, one shot, around 10-15k probably? I can't keep things short, sorry) - Young-ish and freshly presented Alpha John, "Closeted" Omega Arthur. Ngl this one is smutty as hell... but! I think my take on omegaverse is rather fun (very transgendered) and it's porn WITH not without plot so something for everyone there lol. John's POV again + lotsa feelings, misunderstandings and some angst :) Just the way I like it.

Vandermatthews Daemon AU (had a title but ao3 yeeted my draft and I forgot what it was, oops)- I say Vandermatthews, but it's more of a "curious couple, unruly son" genfic than real slashfic 😅 This is supposed to be the beginning a series of oneshots from different characters' POV. This one is maybe a 1/3 done (needs a serious rewrite tho) and written from Hosea's POV. It's about him and Dutch finding and taking in young Arthur -- a very traumatised child who has undergone intercision and therefore lost his daemon. More of a collection of vignettes from that moment to when they take in John than a real coherent fic tho. The next one is going to be John's POV coming of age thing and we'll see where my brain will go from there. I want to do a separate big ass post about this one later because I have Opinions on the gang members' daemons that I need either challenged or validated...

1907!John/Isaac fic (title tba... a two parter, one set in the epilogue and the second is a RDR1 fix-it) - NOW HEAR ME OUT!!!!!! PUT DOWN THE GODDAMN PITCHFORKS FOR A SECOND PLS This is a plot bunny that Refused To Fucking Die. Isaac is obviously an adult in this (22), they have never met before, and the story begins in the months where Abigail and Jack were gone and John worked alone on Pronghorn ranch. It's not so much a romance (despite the slash) but more two people dealing with different types of grief in Very Unhealthy ways, okay. It's supposed to be a bit iffy because of that and the... 12 years of difference between them in this universe. I'm not trying to make this shit uwu or anything. It's also a bit of a daddy issues vent piece for me and I've been working it for MONTHS because I want to write this one right. This is the the fic I redacted in my last WIP showcase, but now decided that... fuck it. Here you go.

(Doubt anyone has made it this far, but if you did ily.. please lemme know what you think? My ask box is open for questions too... I love talking about the stuff I'm working on even if it's not posted yet ❤)

#wrote this instead of working on any of these like i promised myself i'll do today..#master of procrastination #(well i wrote like 500 words of and i'll die if that counts.. but i've been at my puter the whole day so that's like nothing rip)#rdr2 #oh the joys of fic writing

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hospitalterrorizer · 2 months

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diary159

2/20-21/2024

tuesday - wednesday

struggling with a song, in a funny way.

i am trying to get the vocals to sit right, it's a very difficult thing, sometimes they feel too quiet, sometimes they feel too loud, it seems like there's 0 inbetween i can get and i think partially the issue that i dislike the vocal take at the start. or idk. i can't tell, honestly, maybe it's too saturated too? in which case i need to roll that off, i guess next is that. trying that nowwww. i'm so annoying , to myself, getting stuck on songs like this, i wanted to do more today.

but i didn't do nothing, i guess, instead i've been focused on some hard songs and i did some recording, i don't like the recording much but it's at least got me practicing this song. i just don't know what to do with my voice, i guess i should try earlier in the day tomorrow, as early as possible, warm up and stuff asap, and try to do harsh stuff if i need to. i do think i need to. if that goes well, i can do something w/ other songs that need vocals in parts. it's just hard getting the yelpy stuff right, or getting to that place vocally, idk, i need to warm it up but i worry about annoying people. i think it'd be less annoying if i just did it in fewer takes, get out of my head, and just go. but that's got its own issues too.

anyway, it rained today, which was really fun, it's very pretty out, it felt nice on my skin, the cold air, and i found that missing tiny cardigan thing which made me sooo happy. so i have that going for me. we went out to eat tonight at this very bad ramen place, which sucks, idk how they fuck it up so bad but they did. they had good kimbap at least, or maybe that's just relative to everything else. it sucks to eat like, not even mid, it was bad. my gf got chicken ramen and it just had a whole chicken leg dropped in it, and the chicken was like, it tasted of ginger and soap. very weird flavor. mine was like, water seasoned with hints of dishwater. the ramen i make out of the like, packs, you know, instant stuff. idk how i lost that word. instant ramen. i am like stupid. i am stupid today, i'm like an idiot, i'm like actually really really stupid every day. it makes me fee lawful to be an idiot. anyways. that stuff tastes better, like i am fucking w/ it i'm not just saying the msg loaded packets are good on their own (but they are), this place was obviously trying and fucking it up i think, or maybe it's just an off day for them? idk. it didn't really feel like it. they also didn't let us make the ramen spicy. idk how they don't have chili oil.

after that my gf was so disappointed we went to get boba, which made her happy. it was a nice day with her, basically, the bad food maybe made it more fun in a way, cuz we will remember it. it's like, who really remembers "that time everything was normal and fine," anyways.

the song is definitely coming along, i think, maybe i'm delusional though. it was def an issue of too much saturation on the master, but maybe not the sends, it's easy to pull that up too much instead of just clean gain. cuz my brain is fucked up and likes drive over that, but it's important to keep that balanced, if i need more fuckedup-ness on the instrumental, it's easy to do that w/ the send, i should remember this now.

doing some fun stuff to the song now, i'm glad to be getting to this zone w/ the thing.

earlier tonight i got annoyed at people who were talking about how exciting it is when ai outputs nonsense, and how that's 'experimental poetry' and how it's all they wanna write, and now it just doesn't matter, a few hours on, or idk, it irks me, it's always going to irk me, because it's this formalist thing, over anything that's trying to illustrate something, get at anything, it's like looking at the huge amount of detritus piled up online and saying that it's actually avant garde to participate in that, rather than the most normal thing imaginable. like oh yeah you're so avant garde for spitting out faux poeticisms at random, as if through a grinder. i've seen poetry like that read out loud, fractured nonsense that aims at poetry itself, takes up that dead skin and parades it around, and i've seen poetry of measurements and stuff that 'should not be in poetry,' when people take dirty stuff or whatever, or technical nonsense, coding language, whatever, ascii art, anything, i've seen so much. it's well tread ground, all this formalism and efforts to sit in the avant garde won't meant a fucking thing when you're just trying to get there because all you're used to is consuming the most out there art cuz you've been too online. it's not that people should strive to be normal to be readable, i think my writing makes it evident i don't care about that, in fact, i hate that. i hate the idea of sitting near any norm, i hate the norm, i hate what it does to people, and i love mostly out there art, it's mostly what i think i make and care about, i know people, real people, who produce work that is truly, actually, avant garde, recently i was shown a first poem by a distant friend in chicago, and was amazed by it, he achieved things i struggled to do, for so long, he found answers to problems i've come up against! and to see that, my god, there is no envy, there is only gratefulness, i could cry, i feel tears at my eyes, he articulated so much with much thought, he got there, he got to the root of the simultaneous and there is no comfortable distance, there is no remove, and it also not fallen to some vitalist fantasy, it is something else, really. it is something else. my friend in saudi arabia, he too is something else. there are people, living, breathing, speaking from their points, or maybe not speaking, coming up against the issue of speaking, i am coming up against the issue of speaking, and not trying to, but wailing, using the detritus to point elsewhere, at right here, to give it location, and a way out. i do not sit masturbating in it, i do not sit and refuse ecstasy / disarray/derangement of the senses in order to receive the diseased spittle of pure logic's runtime errors, stupid apollonian pulsions to transpose the structureless into a structure, the vomit of ai is only words weighted too heavily for brief periods before unseen and underpaid hands (most likely) do something to mess with the weights again. submitting to this feels awful, to see what's valued most highly in terms of use and probability and just letting that run, what comes as a surprise for people is just that it might say something strange, because it deems it possible.

obviously i really don't hate anyone just fucking with it, as an idea, you can get it to output a mass of text and take that text and arrange it, but this gets into the territory of editing, which is really where so many of my issues lie. people like ai vomit because it seems to mean something (they might say this is not the case, do not trust them), they like ownership of that meaning and think they can transmit it, or overwhelm you via some kind of maximalism into something being meaningful. all this creates is an exhausting wall of text, basically pornographic in its nature, i guess i wonder if so many people find ai fascinating cuz of its potential to 'expose', because it tells you its weights, this makes the work, worse than pointless, some kind of moralistic exercise in illustrating social sickness, pointing at a tumor, saying, look how awful this is, look what you did, look what you did by googling and breathing and using the computer.

whatever, though, it really is pointless. some portion of people making art want to say that doing something basically regular and ideal for the rich, is actually very cool and interesting. like, yeah, tether yourself to this technology, it's so useful for creating new work, it's faster and when you figure out how to get what you want, you never have to stop, it's writing that can be replicated in style and mood, you can have variation without variance. it is possible. selling the avant garde (it's typically already bought (but when it isn't, it's incredibly important)).

this just bothers me so much i guess because it's invalidating people i know, and of course myself, it's like, it wounds me to feel like i don't exist, obviously, and i would prefer it not, and it wounds me to feel like people just could see my friend's work and not care at all, or think something very stupid, like, oh it's so ai or whatever, idk what these people really think. i don't think all this because the ai 'has no soul' or whatever but it's just so indicative of an apathy w/r/t the production of new work or anyone's new work. i've complained abt the novelty issue/ futurist circlejerk but it's really annoying to see people trying to shortcut a way into being like, new, or fresh, or experimental. new technology is always exciting and fun to experiment w/ but when it's new it's at its most volatile and most experiments turn out to be pointless ones, when you're just ultimately stress testing something that exists to order and catalog every human life and maybe kill people someday somewhere, or right now.

it's also the feeling that literature, as a form right now, is so narrow, the appeal is narrow, it's fine, no one has to care, it doesn't need to matter, but it makes one worry about new work, and where attention will go. the people who like the kinds of things i like, aren't really going to care, but obviously it's going to be easy to automate the formulaic and mostly bad kinds of writing out there, it feels like this is going to be technology which keeps people from ever having to encounter anything actually strange.

idk, all this gives me funny ideas, like, what if i make fakes of ai generations out of pieces of writing, because the other thing is it's basically easy to write 'like that' but maybe better, and then just take pictures of my screen or whatever of junk things, when i get the thing right. faking ai seems funny at least for a bit. i don't think anyone would really see or care, though. and what would faking it rlly do, it'd just be a kind of stupid trolling, idk, i like the idea still, i guess just maybe as like, a dare, sorta, like, if i could write it convincingly, which i guess i can't because i enjoy not writing literal nonsense, but writing messes, which are different (messes have sources), so i guess people could clock it, i figure.

but this made me write some messy stuff, which is fun at least.

the song is still feeling weird, but it's getting late, i might just want to cut it here, see where i stand tomorrow. it might just go over better mixing a vocal take i actually like. maybe the lyrics are the issue, a word like 'everybody' is hard to say right.

well it definitely sounds better after this last export at least.

one last export, and then i will sleep, and then i will record when i wake up.

this ai thing is just dumb, because all i really wish for is the ability to show people how much of an eyeroll it all is, all that posing, and whatever, by rolling my eyes, involuntarily, it would arrive thru me, a vessel for tiny social irritations expressed without knowing i express it. but i cannot, and it would be mean to use the eyeroll emoji. i can handle being a little mean in life, but online, it's just far worse, people take it way more personally, which is understandable, it's harder for people to separate themselves from their utterances, which makes people not want to reflect or whatever on what they say, and their utterances being them, they speak w/ such authority and whatever, it's agitating. i hope, mostly, that this was not agitating, for anyone reading. i don't really exist in this mode most of the time but it's like, idk, problematic i guess is the only word. i don't care about like, small stuff w/ ai or people just having fun w/ it, it just becomes intolerable when it becomes a whole artistic ethos/tool/supplants something and is supposedly superior to. idk.

anyway it's a dumb thing to really think about too much so now i am going to sleep, the song just needs new vocal takes in places and i should try to go wherever i decide i need to go tomorrow, so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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callmeghoulshit · 3 months

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For the 101 questions!

It’s so many imsorryimsorryimsorry but ily

4, 10, 13, 23, 31, 33, 44, 75, 88, 97

SHAKEY I'M SO SORRY IT TOOK FOREVER TO ANSWERRRRRR.

Made the mistake of opening it during work so I lost the notification and forgot :(

Everything under the cut cuz this was an essay.

ANYWAYS:

4. What's the one thing you feel like everyone knows how to do except you?

Oho. Literally everything. Life as a whole. Everyone makes everything look so damn easy and it leaves me wondering what went wrong with me (I know damn well what's wrong with me lmao but I don't wanna change it)

Oh but to be specific it's hard to explain so I hope I make sense but appearances. I know even the prettiest people have their insecurities but it seems like everyone else knows what to do with themselves. Whether it be hair, clothes, makeup. I have to ask my bestie all the time because it's the one thing I don't get is how people are like "imma do this! I think it'll look cool!" Like how are you SURE? How do you just know what looks good in you and what doesn't?

It took me five years to nail my eyeliner. Fucking eyeliner. And it'll probably take me another five to figure out if I can even wear eyeshadow.

10. What's your boring hobby (that you still enjoy anyway)?

This is another hard one cuz I do quite a bit of hobby hopping now. In the span of a year I went from jewellery making, cross stitch, painting, clothes making, and clay. I didn't have any hobbies prior to that, let alone "boring" ones so I don't really have an answer haha.

13. Tell a secret.

See my initial answer was to say my maladaptive daydreaming, except I slapped that in my intro post haha. And anything else that comes to mind is actually unwarranted trauma dumping I think. So we're gonna stick with the MADD but make it dramatic:

I've had seven (there's way more but they're the core ones) imaginary friends since I was 14. I'm currently twenty, and hoping they don't go away, there have been a couple times I've "lost" my ability to daydream and I felt so broken because they stem from a time I was so lonely I only had myself and I love them so dearly. So if you ever see me talking about my OCs (original characters), I mean them. I'm so unbelievably attached and can talk about them forever haha. Maybe if I see an ask game about OCs I'll answer about them hehe.

23. Do you believe in an afterlife?

Nope. No belief in any kind of higher power. My only fear is that you're still somehow conscious after death, just experiencing nothingness. It's mainly because I can't imagine everything just switching off.

31. What are you looking forward to right now?

Hmm maybe getting round to my project where I wanted to make a dress. Maybe it's my delusions of grandeur because I keep hoping it'll turn out perfect haha.

Being able to see my best friend for a proper hangout again too. I miss being able to see her whenever we wanted to <3

33. What's your favorite color in context?

Red. I just really like red. When I used to get up really early and the sun was rising it'd look so pretty and red and pink.

44. What's the earliest dream you can remember having?

I can't remember anything mate haha. It would have to be a weird lil nightmare I had three years ago I think, enjoy

75. What's that movie you know is bad but enjoy anyways?

Fast and Furious franchise. Admittedly I need to catch up with a few movies. And I know it's far fetched and everything BUT I DONT CARE. DAYDREAM INSPO. ITS FUN. GIMME MY STUPID UNREALISTIC DRIVING MOVIE.

88. What kinds of things confuse you?

Fucking LIFE. Money. Bills. My mum's council tax makes me wanna rip my hair out. I wanna figure out if I can live independently BUT I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH BILLS Are this is so fucking stressful.

Oh and attraction lmao I don't get that shit. I have an ace flagged pinned to my wall but it feels like a lie cuz I'd feel so bad if I realise down the line I'm not ace. Seriously what the fuck is romantic attraction. Tf is sexual attraction. The fuck is arousal. Anyways moving swiftly on

97. What's your favorite word?

Swear words. I can't think right now. Maybe shit, fuck, bitch, cunt or dickhead.

#im so sorry shakey #i received an ask but won't get used to it

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girlwithfish · 3 months

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tmrw im gonna go to a record store by myself. i wanted to go today but he forgot i guess and i didnt really wanna bring it up a third time. trying to be understanding bc ik his financial situation is a big stressor for him and today he couldnt get his meds bc his insurance wasnt accepted at pharmacy and then he had to pay out of pocket so he hadnt taken his vyvanse and all this stuff but im thinking he isnt ready for a serious relationship or to give me the attention and care thwt i want. idk. and im not trying to act like i do the most for him bc i get worried wjen i think abt how i want him to show more effort or care bc im like well do I do that? but idk most activities we do are his interests orclike when we run errands its for him bc im at his place and wr use my car and all this stuff idk if im overthinking it or we get plants that he wants for his place and i feel im just there w him but theres not a lot we do that is For me and idk i also feel maybe i shldnt spend as much time at his place bc i feel hes too comfortable w me bc he knows he has me and so like idk we dont plan dates really i mean maybe i lied when i said we havent rly gone ojt on a date bc we did go tocthe library to read once ig thats a date or we went to that open mic but idk i feel theres not a lot of effort or care shown and like we do outdoorsy hobbies that he likes like pickle ball nd we did that today nd he forgot abt the record store ig bc i said ystrdy we shld go over txt and he said yes then we didnt go ystrdy and it was closed so he apologized and said well go tmrw and he brought it up before we went to play pickle ball and i said id like to go yes and said what time it closes and when we went out we did that then went to target so he cld get his meds and i guess he forgot and i really didnt wanna bring it up again. Idk maybe its not a big deal. i dont think i shld b in a relationship cuz i just accept the bare minimum and i cant stand up for myself lol. and we use my car allcthe time which i dont mind too much but his car is rly bad and im trying not to judge or anything but idk is that bad! and he drives my car too which idk its nice not having to drive but he said he likes driving bc he doesnt trust other peoples driving so its more a control thing so it doesnt rly feel like its like hes doing a nice thing for me. and idk. ;/ im just kind of sad bc he doesnt rly compliment me as much anymore either. he did say i looked cute in a picture he took of me ystrdu but idk he used to say a few compliments when were w each other. and i got sad bc he used to hold the door a month ago for me now he doesnt rly or i guess he did once today when we were going into his house and i got confused bc he usually doesnt do that anymore. its literally a month in this should be like puppy love stage or whatever like i shld b feeling wanted and happy and like theyre trying to date me IDK lol

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