#mhaalexandria

[mental-health-advice]

Hey there

I think I might be gaslighting myself.

It all started when I became too codependent on this person, that I completely ignored myself. They had too much going on and bothering them, but this has been going on for nine months. They always invalidate my feelings and have taught me to invalidate myself. But the thing is I really care about them and I'm unsure as to whether I'm to blame. Point is I feel guilty feeling happy when they are so miserable most of the time. In part they are just experiencing the consequences of their past not so right actions.

They've stopped needing me now ( I don't know if they found someone else are finally realised that they're problems are their responsibility) but I can't seem to let go.

What can I do to a) stop gaslighting myself

b) get over my codependent friendship which made me feel like I deserve nothing.

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you've experienced this. It sounds like as much as you cared for the person, the relationship was ultimately a toxic one for you. You are not responsible for the emotions of others, and when you're feeling guilty for your own positive emotions, there's definitely an issue. You should be proud of yourself for recognising that these things weren't right in the relationship, and that there was a codependent aspect.

I want you to think about the relationship. Think about what you miss. What you might see is that the thing that you miss is not them, but feeling connected and needed. That feeling of having someone need us is addictive. But now think about the bad parts of the relationship. You felt guilty for your natural emotions to the point where you gaslight yourself. That's awful. No one deserves that. You didn't deserve that.

I think that first step is recognising that we're looking at the relationship through that desperate feeling to be needed. You don't want all the parts of the relationship, you want that. And that's genuinely okay - it's human to want connection.

I personally have been going through my own journey of learning to stop gaslighting myself after codependency. I'm a few years in, and it's getting easier. But that was my first step. My second step was building self-compassion. To do that, I started talking to my 'inner child'. I imagine a little 5 year old me any time I have any huge emotions, and I try guide "her" through it. You wouldn't tell little innocent you that you deserve nothing, and that innocent you is still inside needing your guidance. You can do that, and ultimately move towards holding more compassion for yourself.

The third part of what helped me was building connections. Find ways to make yourself feel needed that isn't based on an imbalanced dynamic. Whether this be reaching out to a friend you haven't spoken to in a while and reconnecting, visiting family members, or becoming a part of a community by volunteering at an animal shelter, joining a book club, do an art class - anywhere that you get to be with other, building on your own social and emotional wellbeing. Like I said before, we all have the need for connection. These places are positive starts to starting to expand your connections, so you don't feel so lost without this one from the past.

I do hope that this helps you. Please know that we've got a list of Helplines here, and Web Counsellors here, should you ever need to talk to someone one-on-one about what you're going through.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #toxic relationships #relationships #mental health advice #advice blog #codependency

[mental-health-advice]

Hello, I’m the person who sent in this ask, unfortunately I would not be able to wrote a letter to them, they don’t live near enough to be to just hand it to them (ldr) and I’m not allowed to really leave the house to send it. Trying to give it to them would have the same affect as me trying to text it to them because my brain doesn’t want me to tell them (not that i don’t want to, my brain doesn’t let me)

I also cannot ground myself in that situation, as even if I’m not like that before they message me I will be like that instantly once I see the message. There’s no time to and I’m not in my body at that point, I wouldn’t even be able to try because I’m not there, I’m basically not existing at that point as well as every grounding technique on there and even the ones aren’t on there either make it worse or don’t do anything for me.

sorry that this goes over the counter, i have no way that I can think of of shortening it in a way that would still convey everything that im trying to say

Hello there,

That sounds awfully tough, I'm sorry that you're experiencing that. I understand in a way - I think that what you're talking about is the fawning response. Fawning is a way our body may react to a perceived danger, just like fight, flight and freeze are. Fawning is only just coming to light as a trauma response though, so you may not have heard of it. It is when you perceive danger, and your body tries to protect you by giving into the every need of the person that you're with. This is a protective method learnt from a young age, and it's likely you've experienced incidents in your childhood where it felt safer to "be small" and hide your true feelings and needs.

I personally experience this response to danger too. And you know what's most likely to trigger off responses like this? Relationships. The fear usually comes from some form of relationship (not romantic - relationships from your childhood). So when you try to build up a loving relationship again, it triggers off the fear. Your body believes that telling someone your needs puts you in danger. Danger doesn't just mean physical harm, but also things like rejection, abandonment and other perceived threats. This might have been really helpful as a kid, especially if you were in situations where sharing your emotions got you harmed. It is built into you as this wonderful protection. But as we get older, and try to form new relationships, this protective measure can follow us through. So even though we're in a safe situation, our body is conditioned to remind us "Hey, don't speak your truth, it's dangerous!!". It came from a good place originally, but now that fawning is harming you (which you don't need me to tell you - you wouldn't be here for help otherwise).

There's research coming out that the way we remember things can be tied in with how our nervous systems are at the time of forming the memories. You're forming memories with your boyfriend whilst you are in auto-pilot safety mode. Your body is protecting you and storing your memories in the "this is what happens when my nervous system is activated in a trauma response" section of your brain. Then you're relaxing once you're on your own and reaching out to him, so your body is associating those memories with "this is a relaxing, non-activating memory where I am safe". If you want to read more on it, it's called the polyvagal theory. I also really recommend the book The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It's about how people who experience traumatic situations store these memories in our bodies, and react to our present in these frightful activated ways.

Now, I think it would be a really good idea to reach out for professional help on this, if you can. This kind of reaction is a trauma response, and involves dissociation (feeling like you're watching, not attached to your body and it's actions) and fawning (hypervigilant and responding quickly to every need of your partner without thought to your own needs). I, myself, am in therapy for the exact thing. If you can, I encourage you to see your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist who deals with trauma. Having a licensed psychologist who understands trauma makes a huge difference (I've also experienced many unhelpful therapists in my time). You can even google trauma psychologist in your local area, and ask for a referral to that one specifically. I understand this part is scary too. We have a page here on Reaching Out For Help. You don't have to tell the doctor what is going on, you can just ask for the referral and tell them you are wanting help from a professional. Lauren's idea of writing a note might be really helpful here with the doctor if you find it hard to request help - you can simply pass it to them and let them read it. I personally sometimes request if I can email my doctor when I find it hard to speak.

I also recommend a couple of pages you can follow on social media if you have it. The Holistic Psychologist and Patrick Teahan are great resources on being able to learn more at home before you can work up the courage to ask for professional help, if you need time to do that first.

I will admit, this takes time to break. It's an ingrained safety system we've had since childhood. Our bodies won't just switch it off on command. Using Mindfulness tools can help a lot, and if you're a reader, and an adult, reading things like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (even if it wasn't your parents that caused this response, there are still some very handy ways of thinking presented in this book).

I hope that this gives you some directions in which you can start searching for ways to feel more confident in talking about your own needs, and not default to "this is unsafe" and feeling stuck. You've got this.

Take care, Alexandria

#mhaalexandria #fawning #flight or fight #trauma response #dissociation #memory #mental health advice #advice blog

[mental-health-advice]

I recently found out I have DID but have been told by the community on Reddit im too old to have suddenly discovered it in my early 30s but I switched while with some aware friends the other night and they managed to get the me back but I’m scared to have it happen again as the alter is claiming to be from a show I find comfort in but I was told at my age my alters would not be from shows I watch they’d be average people called joe as example or from shows I saw as a kid not recent anime. I have no one to go to for real advice as all the blogs on tumblr seem anti everything. My therapist thinks it’s just autism effecting my bpd, I’m scared and I don’t know what to do??

Hello there,

When you say you recently found out, do you mean you received a diagnosis? Because immediately, your psychiatrist will know your mental health better than random people on reddit. If you were concerned about any of what they were saying, I definitely recommend bringing it up with the mental health worker that you see you help ease your mind or make sense of what you're experiencing.

However, I'm unsure if you are diagnosed given the second part of your message. In that case, I am sorry, because this must be a terribly confusing time right now. Especially when you feel as if your therapist is not taking your concerns seriously. I think it's really important to establish a relationship with a therapist where you feel safe, heard and like you can give your full truth. Did the therapist tell you why they think it's the autism and BPD impacting one another? If they didn't, I'd start by opening a dialogue with them about it - ask them if they could explain to you how they are working together to create what you're currently experiencing. From there, you can decide, 'yeah, I get it, and I think they're right' or you might think 'no, this isn't right, this is my experience'. If it's the second one, tell them that. Straight up say that you don't feel like it's right because [give your reasons here]. If you feel like you might need time to process it before asking them, it's completely fine to wait a session too.

If you feel unheard at this point, I'd recommend seeking a second opinion if possible. Ideally, from someone who specialises in trauma disorders. If you look on Google for trauma therapy + your area, you should return some local results.

Lastly, while I can't advise on your diagnosis as I am not a mental health professional, I wanted to say that the research on Dissociative Identity Disorder is so scarce at the present point in time, that it's hard to definitively say what is and isn't a normal part of it. Whilst the people on reddit are right that "fictictional introjects" or "fictives" are often formed in the very early years when trauma was occurring as opposed to later in life, there's no definitive research to say this can't happen.

So please do talk to your therapist, and if they're not helping you in the way you need, seek a second opinion. You deserve to be heard.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #mental health advice #advice blog #mental health #did #dissociative identity disorder #fictives

[mental-health-advice]

i just finished my first semester of college and i feel so incredibly lonely. i am a shy and awkward introvert and it's very difficult for me to make new friends/find people that click with me. i have one close friend that went to college with me and they are having the time of their life and meeting so many new people (and it's not in a superficial instagram way). i almost feel like my only friend in college is finding so many new and interesting people to hang out with over me and when they leave me i'll be truly alone. what makes it harder is that when i'm in this very negative state of mind i find it even harder to put myself out there to make friends, so it's kind of like a viscous cycle. any advice?

Hello there,

From one person who struggles making friends to another, I see you. University was difficult for me in a few ways, but one of the ways was exactly how you’re describing: making friends. It is hard to go from school, where you’ve possibly been situated for nearly all your life with the same friends, then cast into a new environment to start all over again! It can actually feel quite scary.

One of the things I had to recognise in myself is that I don’t make friends the same way as everyone else. That’s okay. We’re all different. Consider yourself and your friend that you are comparing to. Do you make friends the same way? It sounds like the answer is probably no - they sound quite extroverted. We sometimes make things harder by comparing ourselves to others. So firstly, just remember when you start comparing, that you’re not the same person, so your experience will never be the same, and most importantly, that it’s okay for it to be that way. Hold some compassion for yourself: you are facing a really new, huge situation, and you’re struggling a little bit with getting the social parts under wrap. That is completely okay!

As for making friends as an introvert, there’s a couple of ways you could try. The best way for me has been following an extrovert to things, which you could do with your friend. Ask if you could go along with them to an event that you have an interest in (or maybe something completely new that you’d like to try). I’ve found through doing this that there’s actually been other introverts who have come along, and sometimes it’s been easy for me to talk to these people. If you follow up with an online friendship, and the occasional ‘hey’ at college, that’s fine too! I like online friendships, it takes a certain pressure off me. Sprinkle it with the occasional meeting up at college, or to go for a coffee, and you’ve got yourself an in-person friend.

The other way that could help is by joining a club that you might enjoy. Colleges usually have activities or clubs to suit a range of people, and it could be a good opportunity to engage in a hobby whilst having the potential to meet people with similar interests. Whilst this way doesn’t have the “shield” of having a friend with you, you may feel more comfortable as you are in a more introverted situation.

Remember, like I said earlier, we’re all different. Don’t compare your situation to your friends. Sure, they might meet a hundred different new people a week, but some people (like me, and maybe you) only need to make one or two connections at a time. And I find, because of that, my meeting of people is also more spread out. Give those two things a go, and see if it gives you the chance to meet some people that you connect with. 

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #college #friendships #mental health advice #advice blog #advice #introvert

[mental-health-advice]

JUST ONCE I want to have a giant BREAKDOWN I want it I feel selfish for wanting it but I do, I cant handle all of this slow working through stuff it doesnt work for me, small bouts of anger dont work for me because all of the previous stuff just has more time to build up. Just once I want to scream and cry and shout and yell about how much I hate myself and my situation and the world and I want to break the mirror and see it crumble away and I wont care if my hands are bleeding for once, I want to spill paint on eveyrthing and make everything ugly, i want to scribble out all mention of my name and destroy all photos of me. I want to destroy my room and myself and then cry in the filth of my own wreckage, and then finally, FINALLY, I can be okay. I can start over and be happy. I'm not allowed to show sadness or anger or upset because I'm not "letting the god in the house" or im "attention seeking" or "I need to count my blessings" or some other dumb excuse by my parents. I'm not even allowed to show my ND traits because it "disrupts the whole family" and that i just "need to act normal." I'm so tired of forcing myself to be happy I just want to break down and let everything out at once and then be genuinly happy for ONCE in my life. What do I do. I'm in so much pain. I contain so much hurt and dont have a way to heal. I have no outlet. I'm so tired...

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you're in so much pain right now. I believe you, I hear it in the words you write. I'm also sorry that you feel unheard and unable to be your authentic self at home. I also lived this, and it really is extremely hard to cope with at times. I completely understand why you want to just break down and destroy everything, and start again.

Firstly, let's look at outlets to get all those feelings out. It's not fair on you to have to keep them all in. We have a page here of Alternatives to Self-Harm. The page has sections on feeling release, unexpressed feelings and feeling the pain, with plenty of ideas for each type of need that you might have. Give it a look over, and see if there's a list of a few activities that you could put together to try out a positive method of expressing your emotions. One that I found helpful just recently was getting a tray of ice cubes and smashing them in the tub whilst I screamed out what/who was making me feel that way. If you have some time home alone, it could be a good one to try (you can also take the ice outside, to a tree or wall, if you don't have a tub). We've also got a page here on Distractions. Like the alternatives, we've got different sections depending on what works best for you - physical, mental, creative, or social.

Another outlet that you could look into is booking a "smashing room". In Melbourne here, we have one called "The Break Room". You pay for a session, they give you a bat, and you head into the room and break everything! A very good physical way to get emotions out, especially if you're already feeling the urge to smash things.

I also think it would be a good idea for you to seek some help from a professional for how you're feeling. I know that from what you've said, it's not likely that you'll feel comfortable, safe or even able to rely on your parents for getting this help, but there are other ways. We have a page here on Getting Help. On it, it talks about reaching out to your doctor, or a trusted teacher, and I think these would be the best ways to go. If your school has a counsellor, that is also a great place to start. Let the adult that you trust know that you're struggling with mental health and need help, but also are unsupported by your parents at home. If you can, let them know how your parents are currently causing you to feel. They can hopefully then guide you to get some ongoing psychological support, which will not only give you a place to release these emotions, but also learn ways to cope whilst you are still living with your parents. We also have a page of Helplines and another with Web Counsellors. These are places run over most hours of the day, and some can offer ongoing support.

And if you need to scream, scream into your pillow and long as you can, there's nothing wrong with that and it is a positive way to express that hurt. You are not wrong for feeling pain from this, it is painful to hide your authentic self and authentic feelings. It is neglectful at the very minimum for your parents to deny you to express your emotions or let you live as the neurodivergent person that you are. My heart goes out to you, I know how hard it can be. I hope these tools help, and you find an outlet for your emotions.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #childhood emotional neglect #breakdown #expressing emotions #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #religion #religious trauma

[mental-health-advice]

Hi👋

So, my family is a little dysfunctional in a real specific way. My mom won't let me/doesnt think I should get tested for clinical anxiety right? And because of her being this way and making people feel like you cant talk to her or she'll get mad, my little sibling is really struggling. I am not a professional, but from observing them and input from a friend who has it, I think they have adhd. I recently found out tonight that I believe they experience depersonalization, and I had to try and help ground them. We cant really tell my mom, and my dad doesnt deal w medical stuff really. I think they need to see a doctor or a psychiatrist about it but I cant really help. I'm 16 and I cant drive yet. Is there any advice on how to manage ADHD and depersonalization so that I can help them to get through it? They're so little and I dont know how to help. But I'm sure my parents wont help them and they're really little. Not even in 7th grade. Sorry for ranting but I just dont know what I'm doing.

Thanks for reading this

-Jules

Hi Jules,

I’m sorry that your parents aren’t getting you or your sibling the help that you need. That isn’t fair on either of you at all. Even though it’s fantastic that you’re being there for your little sibling, this shouldn’t fall on your shoulders, and I’m sorry that it is right now. 

I think it’s really important to talk to an adult that you trust, and let them know what you’re going through, what you’re sibling is going through, and the reactions that your parents have when you try to seek help. Let them know that you both need help, but your parents aren’t letting you seek it. Now, a trusted adult might be a family friend, or a relative, or it might be a teacher. If you have a teacher that you or your sibling trusts, that would be a really good path to go down. In a lot of countries, the school is legally obliged to get students help if they are going through something like this. In fact, this is how I originally got help in high school too (with similar issues as your parents). We’ve got a page here on Seeking Help, that might help you to make a plan to speak to this trusted adult too.

As for managing symptoms, it’s really going to depend on what is impacting them the most. When I was younger, it was viewed that neurodivergent children (ADHD falls into neurodivergent - different brain workings than a ‘neurotypical’person) had issues that needed to be eliminated to fit in with the rest of society. Thankfully, the world is starting to open it’s eyes up to see this isn’t true - neurodivergent people need solutions that will help them live happily in their own lives, within the own way that their brain works. What I’ve actually found most helpful as a neurodivergent person, is joining Facebook groups specifically for neurodivergent people. If you have a Facebook, look up “neurodivergent” or “ADHD” and you will find a lot of different groups there. I find sharing whatever I’m specifically struggling with usually ends up with an outpouring of advice from people going through the exact same thing. Not only advice, but also support. So if you can safely join a Facebook group like that, it could be a helpful hub of support for both you and your sibling.

That being said, common issues and some things that might help are:

Communication/processing issues: if they are struggling with understanding things, see if there is an easier way to explain it to them. For example, if someone gives them instructions that are long, that might get confusing for them to remember. Try writing down the instructions step-by-step, so that they can follow easier without asking to repeat what they were told.

Losing focus on important tasks to do something else: Gently remind them that the task is there to do if they have become distracted. If it’s something that two people could do together (like drying dishes, or walking the dog), you could offer to do it with them. Sometimes people with ADHD do better when they do work with a “buddy”. If a task can be turned into a game, even better!

Overwhelm from important tasks: If your sibling looks like things are getting stressful (for me with homework, it would be moaning, resting my head on the desk, but people have different signs), encourage them to take a break. Make ask them if they want to watch one episode of a show they like, and then you can sit with them and do your homework together after that. Again, the buddy system can be helpful.

Restlessness: see if there are any items in the house that can be used as a ‘stim toy’ - this is something that your sibling may be able to squeeze, fiddle or fidget with. Sometimes having your hands busy can help you keep focused on your work. If you don’t have anything fidgety like this, and you have access to a few dollars, you might find many things at a discount store. But personally for me, my most used items are hairclips! I just snap them in my fingers as I go about my work.

This page from The Royal Children’s Hospital goes into a whole list of Strategies for ADHD. I also recommend looking at the website ADDitude for more information.

As for depersonalisation, it’s great that you’ve been using grounding techniques. That is exactly the type of coping tool that will be most helpful, so good on you there. We have a whole page of Grounding Techniques here. These Mindfulness activities may help too.

All of this being said, I still firmly want to say that this is your parents job here, not yours. Kids deserved to be heard, and it is their parent’s responsibility to help. I am sorry that this is being put on your shoulders at such a young age, and am so proud of you for reaching out for yourself and your sibling. You are doing absolutely amazing. I hope you can reach out to a teacher soon, and get the support you both deserve.

I really hope that these tools help. Aside from reaching out to a trusted adult, and using the tools above, know that there is always help available through these Helplines or these Web Counsellors, for both you and your sibling. Reach out if ever you need them. And if you have any updates when you speak to a teacher, or if you want to talk about specific symptoms, or anything at all, feel free to let us know. We’re here for you.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #jules #mental health advice #advice #advice blog #adhd #depersonalisation #depersonalization

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, so I've always been bad at socializing. It hinders my life. I don't know if it could be social anxiety or not. The reason is when I am in social situations a lot of the time I feel resigned to the idea that I will be overlooked and not cared about. I don't feel worth getting to know so I don't try very often. It feels like a core part of my identity. It's not always an anxious feeling but rather a depressed, lonely & empty feeling. Which is why it sees invalid to assume it is social anxiety.

Hello there,

I’m sorry that you’re struggling with those feelings. I’m not a professional, so I can’t diagnose you, but I think you’re on track with knowing that something is going on with your mental health. You don’t deserve to have thoughts like you’re overlooked or uncared for, and it sounds like these thoughts are very insidious and creeping to a lot of parts of your life.

I think it would be a really good idea to look at getting professional help on board, both to understand what it is that you are going through, and to find tools to help overcome the anxiety, depression, loneliness and emptiness. We have a page here that addresses the different ways you can Seek Help. Take a read of the page, and see if there’s an avenue that you could try in reaching out to see someone about your mental health.

It sounds like you’re experiencing low self-worth and confidence. I have found that the app called Finch has helped me improve some of those things in myself. I recommend taking a look at it, and seeing if it could offer you some help too. It is like a virtual pet game, but it encourages journaling and tracking feelings and thoughts. It can help make connections on what is bringing you down, as well as what makes you happy and what makes you confident. I highly recommend it.

I want you to know that you matter very much, even when your brain thinks that it isn’t true. Every person has worth, just from being born. It’s just that life and mental illness can twist our view on what worth means. Do try reach out for help. You deserve support through this, and a diagnosis might help direct you towards adequate professional help.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #social anxiety #depression #lonely #loneliness #emptiness #mental health advice #advice #advice blog

[mental-health-advice]

There are so many pedophiles on tiktok and it makes me so angry

Hello there,

Unfortunately there are, and it is very disturbing. It is valid to feel angry about this. I know there isn’t much I can say to you here, but I’d like to take this moment to talk about safety on TikTok.

Things you can do to keep yourself safe whilst using TikTok:

Set your account to private (especially if you are under 18) so that you have complete control over who sees what you post

Go to your settings and choose who can message you and comment on your TikToks

If you feel like you’re spending too much time on TikTok, there is a feature that can remind you when you’ve been on the app for a specific amount of time

Don’t organise to meet up with anyone on the app (and if you desperately want to, please ensure that you only do so with a group or with a parent/guardian in a public location)

If you see something concerning, or someone says something to you that makes you uneasy - report the TikTok or message, and block the person immediately

If you are under 18 and someone tries to send you sexual content (pictures, messages, even hinting), please let a trusted adult know so that appropriate action can be taken

For instructions on how to find these settings, take a look at the TikTok Support Page. Remember that internet safety is very important.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #tiktok #advice blog #internet safety #advice #mental health advice

[mental-health-advice]

New Admin: Alexandria

Hello! My name is Alexandria, and I’m a new admin here at Mental Health Advice. I was a part of MHA between 2014-2019 and have come back to help!

I am 31 and live in Australia. I love cats, modern musicals and the Sims. I live with a few mental health conditions, the most prominent being complex PTSD. I have learnt a lot on my recovery and healing journey and hope to bring some of that to you.

Positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #mental health advice #advice #advice blog

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! I am not diagnosed but I have been positive I have pocd for a long time now and I really need ur help

I’m not attracted to children in any way, I find the thought utterly vile that anyone would want to do that do a child.

A thought came to my head the other day that when I was around 13 I read a nsfw fanfiction about 8 year olds

As a 13 year old I only read it because it was smut and I was only just discovering about the sexual world, I’ve had a really hard few days trying to convince myself that I’m okay

Do u have any tips? Thank you!:)

Well shit my pocd's acting up yet again. I felt attracted to an underage anime character for a couple of seconds and now I'm yet again googling things to see if I'm an ephebophile and having a panic attack. The attraction might just be a bout of pgad. But I feel like I'm just making excuses bc I don't want to be a predator. Am I really suffering from pocd or am I actually an MAP?

Hi,, okay this is that same 16 yo with POCD, and now that I’ve got my thoughts in order I feel I can ask questions in a better way.

- I developed POCD in June, in truth before then I’d experienced these thoughts before, like once or twice, however had brushed them off cause ‘no way, that’s not who I am obviously, ew that was random.’ They only reappeared when I saw a child and had an insanely strong gronial response - causing me to panic and be unable to eat for like a week, vomit and feel depressed before I did research.

- Since then it’s gone and returned - usually worse cause Ik more and my brain asks more questions. As of rn I’d say im ending this current phase. The thoughts no longer freak me out - in truth I no longer really get them. My main current worry are gronial responses. I’ve never really experienced sexual or romantic attraction, however as soon as I think of my pocd (which is like all of the time) I instantly get a gronial response. They last for ages - it’s awful. I’m now worried that this is just sexual attraction and that this is beyond my control - even though I never really have sexual thoughts anymore? They also usually make an appearance whenever I see a child or anything related to them. Like automatically, usually accompanied by a quick thought just to scare me more. This sucks and I hate it. Before POCD I used to really enjoy reading romantic novels - now I can’t cause I constantly monitor my reactions to them and freak when I don’t feel aroused by then anymore. I want to experience sexual attraction with someone I want to be with, and I wanted my first crush/relationship to be special however Ik that attraction can’t be forced. Now I panic constantly and worry that that crush will never appear cause what if I’m just in denial. I freak out when I look back at how my POCD started cause what if that was an awakening or sm?? This makes me depressed and numb - and doesn’t go away as I constantly preform compulsions, like research, scrolling on forums or ruminating (which is all the time-) This is quite distressing to reach out about, and through I am seeing a therapist idk what she‘d say about all of this, ik That you guys have had POCD asks before so I wanted to reach out. I’m very sorry about how long my previous asks have been - it’s annoying and I’m repeating myself, I’m just in a bad place rn and feel the need to share my honest feelings somewhere. I wish I could go back but Ik this isn’t possible. Any tips/good advice? This’ll be the last ask I send - yet again I am so sorry.

i deal with near constant groinal responses. not even just around the focus of my obsessions, but everyone. someone touches me? groinal response. someone looks at me? groinal response. i hear a loud noise? groinal response. i feel horrible and they're all completely unwanted. i don't think it's pgad, just ocd, so i'm wondering if you have any tips for dealing with them? i try not to focus on them, but i guess the more i try not to focus on them the more attention i'm putting on them, which leads to more responses 😭 i plan on seeing a professional soon, but i'm worried they won't understand, especially since the responses aren't really even caused by thoughts anymore. they're automatic.

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you're going through so much distress. I can hear a lot of anxiety, confusion and fear in what you're saying. I realised I answered a message from you yesterday without the whole story, or all the thoughts surrounding the issue. I've put your few messages together to make one big reply to, to make everything easier to access. There's a few things that need addressing here, so I'll try break it into chunks.

Firstly, thank you for being brave enough to reach out when you need help for something that feels so scary. You've done a really great thing! It seems that no matter the underlying cause of the arousal, you are experiencing extreme distress over it. And you know what can exacerbate or cause arousal of the genitals? Anxiety, fear, the flight/fight response. So every time you're feeling arousal now, you're panicking, which can lead to actually experiencing more arousal. What would be a really good start is when you feel that sensation, use some calming techniques. Take a moment to close your eyes, and do some slow, deep breaths. Allow your body and your fight/flight system to slow down. It may help to imagine something nice and relaxing as you close your eyes and do this breathing - maybe a beautiful location you've been to before that makes you feel safe and relaxed.

Now, you've said that those thoughts aren't you. They're intrusive and obsessive thoughts, which can be scary. Try to remind yourself of this. Try to see those thoughts as a separate thing - like a scared friend that's jumping up in fright and yelling "I'm scared, I think I feel this! This is wrong!". What would you say to this friend? Can you try say these things to yourself. This is the way that I address my inner anxiety sometimes. I treat it like a friend. I tell them it's okay, I'm here for them, that they're panicked right now but we're going to work through that together. Maybe find a distraction or even literally give myself a hug! It's okay to do these things, to soothe yourself and help keep in control of the anxiety.

As for the specific examples you've given, there could be a few reasons why you're experiencing these kinds of responses. I just want to note first that I'm not a medical professional, and can't give advice that would substitute theirs. So the first situation, you were 13 and reading NSFW fan fiction. There's a few things that stick out to me here. Firstly, you were 13 and there's a lot of changes going on in your hormones at that point, and arousal can happen even spontaneously for some people going through puberty. You were reading a NSFW fan fiction, and this was your first exposure to sexual content. Arousal would be a normal response in this situation. I know you've said the fan fiction involved a child, but it is possible that your reaction had nothing to do with that, and everything to do with hormones, and reading sexual stories. The second situation was a brief feeling of arousal at an underaged anime character. Now, don't get me wrong, there's some great things about the anime world, but there's also some really yuck things about it. One of these things is that artists specifically sexualise young characters, children characters. Did this character have sexualised features? If the answer is yes, which I feel it likely is, then your reaction was likely to those sexualised features and not to the fact it was a young teen.

I want to tell you a very personal story that I don't think I've ever shared with anyone. It very much ties into the body experiencing and confusion flight/fight arousal and sexual arousal. Just a trigger warning that this paragraph will mention sexual abuse. If that's too triggering, please do skip to the next paragraph. I experienced abuse as a child, and one day I was watching a movie with my husband and a graphic scene came on of sexual abuse that was extremely similar to something I experienced. The way my body responded was what I thought was sexual arousal. After it happened, I had a terrible guilt in my stomach, like how could I ever get aroused from seeing something so horrible, something I really tore my own life apart? I also went on a googling trip that night, because I felt sick to my stomach and was bawling my eyes out. As I read, I found other people who had very similar experiences (in this case, people who had been abused getting aroused by seeing scenes of that abuse). So I started to read why that would happen. What I came across was: it's normal for people to be aroused during sexual events that they did not want to happen, and that sexual arousal is a response driven by our fight/flight system. Another word for an activated flight/fight system is arousal. When you experience that fear, your body becomes aroused (ready to run or fight). This can include blood rushing to the genitals. So what I experienced was actually a natural fear response from my body, that my mind then interpreted as something very wrong. Now, I can't say for sure what you are experiencing, but seeing as these seem to be very intrusive thoughts, it could be possible that the intrusive thought triggers fight/flight (arousal), which your brain then interprets as sexual feelings, rather than bodily arousal as a response to distressing thoughts. This seems especially true to me given that you no longer experience what you thought was attraction, but you do experience this response every time you think of those intrusive thoughts. When this happens, go back to what we discussed above - calming your brain and your body down, letting the bodily arousal relax and the stress melt away. You may find that by calming your body in these moments, that feeling of arousal will fade.

Again, I'm not a medical professional, so I unfortunately can't give you an answer as to what exactly you are experiencing. It certainly sounds like you are experiencing a lot of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. You also have said multiple times that you might be experiencing PGAD, which is a medical condition of persistent, unwanted and often unprompted arousal of the genitals. These could all be true - but the only way you will know is if you seek the help of a professional. I know that this sounds very scary, especially given how scared the topic makes you. But if you can, I really recommend reaching out to an adult that you trust. We have a page on getting help here that shows the different people you can reach out to. If you don't know how to start, you could try writing down what you want to speak about, or start out by saying "I am experiencing intrusive thoughts and they are causing me anxiety". You deserve to get some support through this. I do think that seeing a therapist would be a really good idea for you. It will help you to work through the confusion of it all, and also build up some tools to help cope with the activation of your fight/flight system.

I really hope that this offers your some insight and some tools to help. Don't be sorry for reaching out, it was a really brave thing to do. We're always here if you need more help too.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#pocd #intrustive thoughts #mhaalexandria #mental health advice #advice #advice blog #ocd #pgad

[mental-health-advice]

I have BPD, HPD, NPD, DPD, PPD, Obessive love Disorder, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and a phobia of NOT being in a releationship and show all signs for stockholm syndrome for exes. i harass ex friends or exes if they leave me...even the Abusive or Toxic ones. I want this fixed. i can't get a tharpist but i want to work on this. to be better. Any tips...? i need advice

Hello there,

I’m sorry that you’re going through so much without any support. I’m really proud of you for reaching out for ways to support yourself.

Depending on where you live, you may be able to access some free therapy. In some countries, this can be accessed by seeing your doctor and letting them know that you need help with mental health, and they can make a referral. If you’re not sure, I feel like it’s worth asking them if it’s a possibility in your country. It’s a lot that you’re going through right now. You can also do a quick google search for “your country” + “free therapy” and see if some more information appears. We’ve also got this page on Getting Help, just in case these are avenues you haven’t looked at yet.

Another way you can access some support is by using a Helpline or Webchat Service. Some of these services are manned by volunteers who are there to give a listening ear, and some guidance. Others are manned by actual mental health professionals who can give you a quick over-the-phone/internet assessment, tools to cope with what you’re experiencing and advice on what to do from here. In Australia, Suicide Callback Service is one such type.

I also want to guide you to a page I wrote a few years back, on DBT Skills. DBT stands for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, and is the main type of therapy used for BPD (in fact, it was made for BPD specifically). On the page I’ve linked, I talk about the main tools used within the therapy. These tools helped my BPD so much, I can’t even describe. So even if you can’t access therapy, reading through and practicing one skill a week could be a huge help. There are also workbooks by Marsha Lineham to go along with the DBT program, which you can buy online. I feel like they would be very helpful for someone looking to try the therapy without a therapist to guide them.

As for having a phobia of not being in relationships, this is something that can be quite common, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, or where love wasn’t modelled to you well. I watch a social worker on YouTube called Patrick Teahan. He has some really great videos that can help to figure out the “why” of some of your actions in relationships, and then goes on to give journal prompts to help you think of the “how” you might move forward. I highly recommend his channel.

I want you to know that you have worth, all on your own. You don’t need a relationship to give that to you. It can be so hard when all the thoughts tell you otherwise, but believe me, you are worthy as you. One last suggestion I want to make is a self-esteem/journal app that I use called Finch. It’s a cute little virtual pet game crossed with a really helpful mental health app. It helps me to figure out what is triggering me, and what is holding me back, as well as helps me to build up confidence and happiness. I hope it can help you too. As with the rest of suggestions above. Good luck, and know we’re always here.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #bpd #npd #hpd #dpd #ppd #obsessive love disorder #rejection sensitive dysphoria #phobias #advice blog #mental health advice #advice

[mental-health-advice]

Hey. I really hope you can help me. I’m currently an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. I am mentally stable now and am awaiting discharge planning meeting. There’s a healthcare assistant who has really helped me over the last 4 months and we have gotten really close. When we’re alone we kinda flirt and also we have a lot of innuendoes. I don’t know if I’m getting vibes off him or if I’m just hoping I’m getting vibes off him. I really like him, like I’ve never liked anybody inside or outside of hospital. He’s married and obviously he’s a professional so I doubt anything could ever happen but I can’t stop thinking and dreaming about him. I want to gently approach him but I’m scared he’ll write it on my progress notes or something. But then I don’t know if he’d do that because it would reveal our inappropriate banter. I’m feeling so sad that I’m being discharged soon because the thought of not having him in my life is destroying me. This may sound really silly but it’s huge for me. Help? X

Hello there,

I'm sorry that this situation has you confused and distressed. I am going to be frank here, if he actually is flirting with you, that is a breach in his professional role and is highly unethical. I know it can feel nice to have someone acknowledge you, banter with you, have fun with you. But if it truly is flirting with you, it is not okay to be doing that to you. You're getting better, which is fantastic, but you're still in a vulnerable spot - he's literally charged with part of your care, he holds all the power in this situation.

You will probably have been discharged by the time that this has been posted, but I do think that it would be best to not approach him. I know that advice sucks when it's someone that you're really into. But the two options here are: you accidentally misread things, and it will feel very awkward, OR you didn't misread things, and he is breaking multiple ethical boundaries, which is a very rocky place to want to begin a relationship from.

It sounds like you're hurting not saying it, and I'm sorry for that pain. I know it doesn't sound like it could be true, but there will be a time where you will find someone else - someone who doesn't hold power over you, someone who you can be you with, without these personal and professional strings attached.

I think the best thing to do is, when you get home, focus on you. What goals do you have for when you get out? Are there things that you want to do having been inpatient for four months? What small steps can you take to make life at home better for you? I personally can fill a whole day with trying to improve my self-care. Try keep your mind busy. And if focusing on yourself is too much, look at this page of distractions and give a few of those a go, or write your own list to try. Reach out to friends and family. Keep that mind busy, and hopefully it'll soon start to move past this healthcare assistant.

I know this may not have been the answer that you wanted, but I do hope that it helps.

Positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #inpatient #mental health advice #advice blog #advice #psychiatrist hospital

[mental-health-advice]

I have a problem with isolating and bc of that I only really have one close friend and lately she’s been very distant. She graduated and started a new job a few months ago and really loves it, has made lots of friends, etc. She doesn’t try to see me anymore and when she does it’s short & not the same. I don’t want her to feel guilty about moving forward and I know if I confront her I know she would deny it. Do I just let her leave me behind? It’s not rly a friendship anymore if I make her stay.

Hello there,

I understand this situation well, it's one that I've been in before. It's really hard to see your friend's moving forward with their life when you feel like you're not moving forward with them. The truth is that she's not doing it because she wants to distance herself from you or from the friendship, but you might already be aware of that too. As we grow, life really does take us in different directions. At first, that was really hurtful to me. I was stuck with my mental illnesses, and definitely didn't feel like I was getting anywhere in life, and here my friend was succeeding and spending less and less time with me. It definitely didn't help the isolation.

But this doesn't mean that your friendship is over or that it's any less meaningful. Priorities do change as you get to the age where work and living out of home start to factor into some people's lives. Some people may have less time for friends. This doesn't mean they don't appreciate your friendship, or their time with you. However, if you feel like it's taking a toll on you, I think it's okay to speak up about it. Try to do it in a way that is calm, and emphasises on your feelings by using "I" statements instead of "You" statements (which can come across as blaming). We have a page here on DBT Skills - if you go down to the interpersonal communication section, you can read more about talking about your feelings. Try to offer: your understanding of the situation, your feelings about the situation, and a resolution. For example:

Your understanding may be: I know you've been really busy with your work, and I'm so glad that you're having a great time. I know it must cut into a lot of your spare time though.

Your feelings may be: I miss getting to spend quality time with you.

Your resolution may be: Could we maybe schedule a catch up once a month, so that we can regularly hang out?

This gets across your feelings in a really constructive way, and puts no blame on her or on you.

After leaving school, I didn't see my friends for quite literally years after. I felt very isolated and depressed. After years, I also figured they were out having fun and probably didn't want me to bring them down. Then a decade after our graduation, I started talking to one of the friends again. Turns out she actually did want to hang out with me. It made me realise that the original feeling of isolation managed to twist all of my thoughts. It managed to make me think that I was boring, that no one wanted to be with me, and I was friendless. And the longer I thought that, the more the thoughts twisted. But that wasn't reality. And if you're feeling this way too, I promise you it is not reality. Although we can't see each other often now, we now meet up about twice a year. Having those set times makes me feel like I have something to look forward to, and like I'm really wanted. It's nice to have that connection, and really, the only thing holding me back was my thoughts.

If this sounds familiar to you, I'd really recommend seeking some Further Help. Your doctor is a great place to start. If you let them know about these feelings of isolation, and anything else that's been weighing on you, they can look at some treatment plans. This might include seeing a psychologist or therapist. This can be really helpful to identify what are those twisted thoughts, and what is actually happening in reality, and then find ways to cope when those rougher thoughts come on. We also have a list of Helplines and a page of Web Counsellors if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, even to break that cycle of isolation. One last thing that helped me was joining an online community. This has come in different forms over the years, but can include things like reddit, facebook groups, online gaming (I even went back and joined the Neopet community simply to reminisce, and found a whole lot of great people there). This can help you in those lonely times, when you realise there are groups of people you can fall back onto.

I want you to know that this isn't a place that you're stuck in. Whilst you might feel like you're not moving forward how you'd like to, you are moving still. Each day that you're here, you take more in as a person and you grow. And even if, like me, it feels like it's pointless and not going to ever change, it actually does over time. In time, you'll realise that you're moving forward in a way that you didn't expect. Through therapy, I was able to break the feeling of isolation. It still took a while for me to get on my feet, but last night I went out with a few people and realised that these people like me. I never, ever thought I'd be in a situation where a few people could want to be around me. And sure, I'm still not ahead like my friends were back then. I can't work, I'm not studying, I don't have kids. But I've also realised that that's okay. We do all take different journeys. Careers, family and study don't define your worth. It's who you are as a person that does, and I can tell from your message that you are a compassionate and caring friend. Please do take a look at the resources, and see if you can get in to see your doctor.

Positive thoughts your way,Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #isolation #lonely #friendships #friends #anonymous #advice #advice blog #mental health advice

[mental-health-advice]

I feel like people only like me because I care about them, after they heal or get over what’s troubling them they leave me and act like I never existed which makes me feel pretty worthless. I know that means that I am worth something, but at times I can’t think about that rationally and I start to feel suicidal. What should I do?

Hello there,

I understand what you're saying. I think this is actually pretty common, especially for people that are struggling with their self-esteem. We gravitate towards people that are "like us" - so people that are also struggling with self-esteem issues, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or whichever negative emotions we are feeling. Whilst it can be good to be able to grow with someone in recovery, it's not always the case. Often people are at different points in their recovery, which means that there's often an imbalance. In your case, it sounds like the people you're befriending are doing a lot of leaning on you because you understand, but you're not getting the help in return, so you're just feeling swallowed under it.

There's a few things that might help in this situation. Firstly, seeking support from a professional could be really helpful for you if you're not already doing that. We've got a page on Getting Help here. It doesn't necessarily have to be a private psychologist - even seeing a counsellor at school or a charity organisation is a great idea. It means that there's someone there to let go of those thoughts to, and also start to build up ways to cope when they appear. When you find the right therapist and therapy, it can be extremely helpful.

I also suggest that if you currently have friends that are overwhelming you with what they're going through, that you try to help them get into therapy or at least talking to someone like a campus counsellor, school teacher or parent. Whilst it's perfectly fine to turn to your friends, the truth is that they can't be the ones to support you through the entire thing. Help from someone who is trained is necessary. Pointing them towards that help not only helps you take some of the load off, but it will also help them with finding ways to cope with what they're going through. If they are worried about bringing it up to someone, offer to go with them, or even ask if they'd like you to tell a counsellor on their behalf. It could make the first step easier. We also have a page of Helplines and a page of Web Counsellors that could help both of you, by giving you someone to chat with.

I do understand though, that friends won't always listen to that advice. If you are school-aged, you can approach a teacher or counsellor and let them know that you are quite worried about your friend. They legally need to step in and check on their welfare. It may make your friend angry, but having had it happen to me, I can tell you it only ended up with me getting the help I needed. So it felt bad, but it turned out positive. If you really have done all you can to help, it is completely okay to stand up and say "I know this might be hard to hear, but I am really struggling with my own emotions, and finding it hard to also juggle yours. I really want to get us both help, but it feels like you don't want to accept it. What can we do to make it easier on both of us?". I actually had to do this, and it was really hard to do. But it is completely necessary to protect your own mental health. It's hard to accept, but we can only do so much before professional help is needed.

Lastly, and this can be tricky, I recommend trying to move into circles of people that make you feel better about yourself. Find people that are on the same wave-length as you; people that are seeking, or want to seek help. You've had a long history of imbalanced friendships when it comes to emotional needs, and the only way to balance it out is to find people that help you feel that middle-ground where you can help each other, but you're not the sole person being relied on. As I said before, a friend is there to support you, but not to do the work of a professional. This was a big shift that I made, and it really helped. Although the people that I know mostly do have mental illnesses, they are willing to seek support, and willing to listen if I say "Hey, this is getting a bit heavy for me, but how about we call up your therapist and get you in as soon as possible, and for now we'll do something to help distract you, like movies and takeaway". They can do the same with me. And, of course, there's the occasion when it's upsetting, but once that initial mood passes, we realise that we were both right about each other, and professional support is really what we need, with friends and distraction as the side support.

I hope this gives you some ideas on how to approach the situation. Know that you're not worthless, it's honestly a trap that a lot of people with depression fall into where they want to help everyone around them, but don't put their own needs first. Let us know if there's anything more we can do to help you. We're always here.

Positive thoughts your way,Alexandria.

#friends #suicidal thoughts #anonymous #mhaalexandria #advice #advice blog #mental health advice

[mental-health-advice]

could you share some good ressources for dealing with emetophobia?? mine keeps getting worse but i’m not in a position where i can consult a professional :/

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. It can feel hard when professional help is not an option. Here are a few resources that may help you.

Firstly, we have a few pages here at Mental Health Advice on Anxiety Disorders. This page covers the different options that can be used when you start to feel anxious in relation to the phobia. Aside from treatment options, it covers self-help techniques and calming strategies that may help you to make it through the anxiety. So take a look at those pages, and see if there may be something that helps you.

There's a couple of workbooks that I've heard have been helpful for others who suffer from emetophobia, which you can find here:

Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive (Through the Thrive Emetophobia UK Website)

The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook (Through Amazon)

These pages also have videos and reviews from others with emetophobia, which may be worth reading through to see if there's any other options that pop out to you.

There are also these websites that have information on emetophobia:

Anxiety UK: Emetophobia - this one focuses on supports offered

Anxiety Coach: Emetophobia - this one is more factual

I feel like the Anxiety UK page offers a great deal of support that may help you. If you're not within the UK, just send a message through that's titled "for Alexandria" and let me know, and I'll see if I can find ones specific to your country.

There is also this website that helps people with slow exposure to the triggers of emetophobia. You won't see anything triggering by clicking on this link, it's just the page where she describes how the exposure works and how to access the exposure pages safely within your own comfort: Emetophobia Resource.

I know that professional support isn't an option, but if it's purely financial, I want to let you know there may be some services that you can access for free. Firstly, if you're at school, college or university, you can approach your campus counsellor and let them know what you're struggling with. They can then find services that are appropriate for you, including financially. They may even offer counselling themselves. We have a page here on Getting Help that may assist you in asking for that support. If you do a search online for your state or area, with "free counselling" or similar, you may find some local charity organisations that are available for support. In Australia, if you're under 25, you can access Headspace for free and see a counsellor for however long you need. I found them very helpful. So see if this may be an option in your area.

Lastly, there may be some support groups in your area for phobias or anxiety. Again, taking a look online for your area + "anxiety support group" or "phobia support group" might help you find one locally. These are usually support groups of people that also experience anxiety or phobias, who get to together and talk about their struggles as well as what coping strategies have helped them. There may also be ways that you can access similar support online. In Australia, we have Beyond Blue and Reach Out, which are websites which host forums about different disorders. You can either look through to find post on emetophobia, or start a new thread yourself to look for support.

I hope that this gives you some options, and you can get the support that you need. We also have a page here on Web Counsellors and one for Helplines, where you can chat to someone if you ever need that extra support.

Positive thoughts your way,Alexandria.

#emetophobia #anonymous #mhaalexandria #advice #advice blog #mental health advice

[mental-health-advice]

Submission about mental health in relationships

My name is Sheri, 23 years old.I struggle with anxiety and have Aspergers.After a year with my first bf I found out he watched porn while he was in the relationship. I could not get over it and became obsessed with every movie he watched, looking them up for any sexual content. I questioned everything. I am in different relationship but immediately jump into the flaws of my past. My current boyfriend said he never per taken in pornography. He told me everything about his past history with girls and I became obsessed with it and the what if’s. I asked excessive questions about a girl he cuddled with FOUR years ago and wanted all details. Countless times he told me not to talk about it. It pops in my head and I still get questions a year and a half later. On top of that I get questions like any girls he has masturbated to the thought of. Private stuff I “had to” find out about. It shouldn’t really matter right? But to me it was everything.I have questions, I am an unstoppable force of anxiety and whirl winds that had to know everything. I would manipulate people until they give answers. I am inside my head the entire time and cannot get out of it. It is scary. He is wonderful and stays with me through everything. I still ask questions about this girl and girl and masturbation habits. This is not my place. Please help me get out of my head. How do I get out of my head?

Hi Sheri,

I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling so much with these obsessive thoughts. I can really see how they’re having a big impact on you and your relationship. I’m glad to hear that your partner is supportive, and hopeful that it means he understands that this is all anxiety-driven.

I think that the best thing to do is get to the root of the problem, which is why these things are causing anxiety for you. Do you know what is driving the thoughts? For example, in your mind, what is the difference between knowing all the details of the girl he cuddled and not knowing? I think it’s important to understand what drives the anxiety. I can’t speak for you, but there could be many driving factors, including: fear of not being seen as worthy or good as past girls, fear that you are not wanted sexually, fear of abandonment and many other things. When you think about why you need to know these things, can you think of what is driving that need?

It’s okay if you can’t figure it out immediately. Sometimes it can take time to get to the bottom of the issue. There’s a few things that can help you find out what is driving the anxiety. For me, journaling helps. I journal in a way that is therapeutic by asking myself questions and answering them. For example, if I was in this situation, my journal might read:

“Why do you feel anxious?” I don’t know what he did with that other girl.

“Why does it matter what he did with the other girl?” I just want to know everything that happened.

“Will knowing everything that happened change things?” I don’t know. I guess I might see if there’s any differences between what he did with her and what he does with me.

“And why would that matter?” I want to see if he cares about me as much as her.

And you continue on like this. I always try to end it in a way that asks “What can you do about it?”. If there’s nothing I can do to solve the problem, I then ask “What can you do to distract from this thought?” and I usually come up with some ideas there. It’s been really helpful in keeping my mind off obsessive thoughts. 

Distractions when you feel those thoughts can also really help. If you have the obsessive thoughts appear, try do something that takes up all of your mental capacity so that you can’t focus on those thoughts and feelings. We have a list of Distractions here that may be handy for you to take a look at, if you can’t think of any distractions that would help you.

Another good thing that can help both finding the cause of anxiety, and dealing with it, is talking to someone about it. This could be someone that you trust, or you could seek professional support to work through everything. Psychologists and counsellors can be great at helping you work through all that you’re feeling, and finding practical ways to cope. We have a page here that talks about How To Seek Help that I recommend taking a look at. There are also Helplines and Web Counsellors that you can talk to at any time, and just work through your thoughts. They’ve helped me many times in the past.

Lastly, it might help to take a look through our page about Anxiety Disorders. It talks about the different types of anxiety, how to seek help and covers different strategies to calm anxiety and panic.

I think that you’re doing a great thing by reaching out. You have taken step number one in overcoming this anxiety. I hope the tools above help you to keep taking more steps to beating it.

Positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

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