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am-i-the-asshole-official · 9 months

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WIBTA if I break off an old friendship with someone who stayed by my side despite my mental and general life issues, after everyone else had left?

This friend from high school had been a great friend, kept me company when I was all alone, supported me through two bad breakups, we went to the same college and we were very close.

Until I started talking more openly about politics, being queer, mental health etc. She's the facebook liberal type, slightly left of center. She gave me the freedom to be more open with her by being cool with taboo topics, then turned sour when it extended beyond what she knew. Examples, she'd change subject if I talked about queer media when normally she's telling her friends how she had a sleepover with her "wife" and saw each other naked. She was surprised to learn that you're not supposed to out someone against their will. She believes cops are bad only in USA. We're not Americans.

She started being open with me too, she told me how she hated it when her classmates talked about their favorite music, how she hated any fandom stuff they talked about besides discussing fanfics with another fandom friend, how she makes excuses so she can go wherever she wants alone and not with friends. She told me she spies on my exes on facebook insta etc and tried to tell me what they've been up to and only stopped telling me about after many requests and explanations as to why that made me really uncomfortable.

A few months ago she and I had a fight, she exclaimed that my politics was too American (I'm just an average leftist like most of 30+ tumblr and my other friends), that my politics was too fandom oriented (she avoids fandom so much she has blocked activists for even hinting at being a fandomgoer, like discussion of racism in fandom is waste of time and silly to her, fan-anything can't be taken seriously), mocked me for having childish interests (just knowing pop culture in general) then we stopped talking.

After some months she texted that she really misses talking to me as I was her only "progressive friend" who understood her when she wanted to discuss feminism, movies, world politics etc. She said she needed me to be her gateway to pop culture knowledge as I knew so many cool new things. She begged me to be friends again, and since I missed hanging out with her a lot I started chatting again. But I told her that it was hard for me to forgive her and I'd leave for real if she hurts me again.

This time she let go of the normal daily stuff we used to talk about and only stuck to Topics of Debate. She asked me to teach her progressive thinking, educate her, but when I asked if she wanted to touch on lgbt+ topics or physical -mental health related topics outside of her comfort zone of basic sexual health, she danced around a lot instead of giving an answer. I snapped and asked yes or no, she said no.

I asked her if she understands that even if she didn't feel like those topics were her priority, I'd probably want to talk about them with her as a queer neurodivergent person and friend, would that be an issue? She kind of ignored it to say that basically her priority was just local political gossip, religion, and a little bit of solarpunk stuff, outdated at that. I was disappointed but let it go and we decided to talk later.

The other day she messaged me with her usual gossip about how her friends are being too excited about some music stuff and what book she thinks I should read (we have completely different taste). And I got a panic attack. Since then I've had multiple panic attacks at the thought of having to talk to her.

She has been one of my oldest friends, she supported me and took my side in every breakup I had and she forced me to go outside when I was severely depressed, she was practically family, but now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. If I bring up any topic she dislikes she's going to turn away, if I come out to her as trans she'll joke and start to avoid me, she doesn't want to learn anything new even though she takes pride in being a great learner, if I talk about things that make me happy she'll ignore it. I don't know if she'll go and tell others how cringey my interests are. Maybe she'll go to my exes and tell them I used her as support and threw her away when she didn't meet the standard as that's been a line of thinking among my exes.

I'm also struggling with BPD and anxiety, so maybe I'm hating her now and will want her back later, it's my brain being a jerk? I think I'm overreacting and she won't do any of these, but I also feel so drained after we talk these days. I need friends who I can talk to about mundane things, friends who share memes with me and tell me what anime they're passionate about, what new recipe they liked, instead I feel like I'm just there to drag her down with my issues and politics and dumb jokes. But multiple people think I used and discarded them for not agreeing politically, I'd usually disagree but what if I am the problem and I expect too much?

So I'm asking, am I being a jerk if I cut her off?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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olderthannetfic · 9 months

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I always get ticked off from people who keep trying to push for the monetization of AO3 because that's my favorite thing about the site, honestly. 1) No one here, i don't believe, said fanfic/fanart isn't real art. 2) Fan-made products are taken off of etsy all the time. Every single day this exact thing happens. Etsy shop owners get their shops taken off the site for this! exact! thing! 3) Japan has different copyright laws than in the USA, where AO3 is based. Doujinshi does get some creators in copyright trouble in Japan if they try to create new characters based on the pre-existing work. It happens fairly often. 4) Writers always improve the same way: they write often, read often, edit, repeat, over and over again. We expect writers to break into commercialization the same way the people before them have: you write a novel or a short story anthology, edit, rewrite (rinse repeat), send queries to agents, wait for agents to come back with good news from publishers, then market the hell out of your book along with the publisher (if the publisher has the money to do it). And if none of that is your thing, self-publish. You don't get to monetize your fellow fans' labor just because you're too lazy to figure out how to market your work to let people know it exists. It's easier than ever with the internet. And I wish entitled crybaby fans would get this through their heads: no👏🏽one👏🏽 has the right, or should have the right, to make money off of someone else's story, hard work, or imaginative work. If you're a writer, create something new and do the market research to figure out how to best market it. No one has the responsibility to fund your creative dreams but yourself. Why should anyone care to follow a writer of original works who's most known for writing derivatives of others' IP? Now that we're in the age of IP and copyright ownership of art, why does this need to constantly be repeated? AO3 is free and open for everyone to use. If you want to market yourself and your work, you'll have to do it somewhere else. The internet is vast. Stop being lazy and put in the work like other writers do. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Yeah. Fandom is where I honed my craft.

That's the great thing about fandom! People read so much kind of half-baked stuff and genuinely enjoy it. They wouldn't give that same leeway to commercial products. There's also more space for niche interests. That allows a writer to figure out what they actually like instead of just chasing the thing that someone else says sells best.

Lots of people who go pro, including me, write very fandomy stuff. You pick up almost any m/m self- or indie-pub book, and you know in five minutes this is a fic writer. But if we're any good, we can build enough scaffolding for our own worlds and characters. Change the names. Beef up your own setting. Write a complete plot that doesn't rely on being a missing scene from something else. It's not that complicated.

Frankly, if someone "needs" to sell fic, that makes me think they aren't confident in their writing being attractive to others without a major crutch.

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tarotoftheendless · 6 months

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Tom Sturridge Characters for FanFics

CW/TW: 'R' word, 'S' word, self-un-aliving, drug5, a1c0h01, s3x, gr00m1ng, murd3r, neurodivergent diagnosis speculation, swearing, character AI using (shame), am I missing anything that could offend someone? LGBTQ+ support? Yeah, if you aren't a leftist... well what a leftist is in the USA, then yeah, you wouldn't like me... a non-binary pansexual demi-girl that is big ol' leftist... anyway, on to Tom Sturridge...

Ok, I need to get some stuff out. And it's all fanfiction stuff as well as character study of a ton of Tom Sturridge characters and their respective films/shows. Please, for the the love of the the gods, don't steal my ideas for stories, but you can use the character studies for your own fics.

TOM STURRIDGE

Now, firstly, lets start with the man himself. He is private, so it is hard to know who he is really, but if some old Twitters that could be his are anything to go on... he may have been quite saucy back in the day... but let's go off of the other stuff we know for now.

I highly suspect he is neurodivergent, just with the years of interviews and the way he speaks, the way he carries himself and his mannerisms. He doesn't seem to be in it for the fame, no matter how cunty he looks on the red carpet, all that stuff is probably scheduled by his team, so... But yeah, he does speak quite thoughtfully and eloquently when asked thought provoking questions, but he often is flustered by less thought provoking questions. I don't want to be that person at diagnoses someone though, but as someone with ADHD and autism myself, just watching him makes me think he is one of us, you know? Also, a fuck ton of his roles could be seen as very neurodivergent too, so, I think he both takes roles that he can both put himself into but also get away from himself enough that it feels like a mask. This is just my observations from watching footage of interviews of him, I accept that I could be wrong.

I would love to see more Tom Sturridge fan fics out there, cute ones, romance ones, smutty ones... but all in all, well done and well researched and well written.

The only well-written one I was able to find is on AO3... and it is fucking weird... cuz it's an 'R' word fantasy... where Tom is the one getting... well... it's not a great... premise... So, for the love of the gods, please, please, please, someone write decent Tom Sturridge fan fics that don't actively harm him.... cuz yikes. Just big yikes.

JAKE (SWEETBITTER)

Aw. Jake. So, one of the things to keep in mind about Jake: he hates himself. Tom said so in a interview... in fact it was kinda sad because Tom said that was one of the things that he related to when it comes to Jake... without hesitation.

I have not finished reading the book 'Sweetbitter' by Stephanie Danler, but I suspect there is even more to go off of when it comes to Jake's character in that.

But what the show was starting to imply about Jake; he was probably groomed by Simone.

She is 7 years (according to Google and the show) older than Jake. The show starts in 2006. That means Simone was born 1969, Jake was born 1976. Simone is 37 in the show and Jake is 30. Jake's mom killed herself via drowning when he was 8 in 1984, Simone was 15. If we go off of what the show says (which does vary from both seasons as season 1 says that the chef is a man but season 2 obviously has the chef as a woman), Simone moved to New York 3 years later to the apartment that she then has for 19 years as of 2006. Jake would be 11 when she moves to New York.

Here is where the speculation about how that would have went down for Jake. He probably would have started to act out at school when Simone left. Simone's parents probably wouldn't have been able to handle it. He probably would have started to dabble in drugs and alcohol. If Simone and him were that close, I suspect he would have run away a few times to New York.

I think the grooming would probably have started right away with him, or at least during the time he started to act out because she left him. I do think that Simone's parents would have let him move in with Simone to appease him and to get him to stop acting out. I think that maybe the "Mermaid" story started when Jake was 8 but didn't start getting fleshed out until he moved in with Simone when he was 11 or 12 in New York. I think Simone was probably working at 22West and going to school in New York at the same time.

Jake probably was showing signs of having a crush on Simone after he moved in with her and she probably didn't give into him until he was 15/16... yes, I do think Jake lost his virginity to Simone and I do think he is the type to not have waited to have sex until he was 18. So, yes that's statutory...

Simone probably finished the "Mermaid" story for a college assignment and had to have it published in her hometown local magazine for college credit.

So, yeah, I do think Simone wrote the story for Jake and it was well fleshed out because of their trauma bonded codependent groomed relationship. I don't think Jake will have realized how bad it really is as they both hurt and then soothed (not heal, soothe) one another. I bet Jake got his first tattoo, the 'S' on his back, after he lost his virginity to Simone... it is a crude looking tattoo, so it looks like a first tattoo that wasn't well thought out. I think he then got the Mermaid tattoo with a signed permission from Simone as a way to congratulate Simone on her story being published.

I do think that Simone probably was abused too...maybe by her own father.... and her mom enabled it... but Simone's dad could have been huge in the community of Cape Cod... and her family kept it hush hush as to appear to be the model family, so they could take in Jake...

Simone has to have gotten her cold and aloofness and the emotional then right back to cold and aloof from somewhere, a catalyst... and Jake then learned that behavior from Simone. Hot and then cold and then hot again, right back to cold. Simone has that trait and then she gave that trait to Jake.

They probably comforted and protected each other when Simone still lived in Cape Cod... told each other everything. The trauma bonding began young for him. And when she holds it over his head that 'No one knows him like she does' it's because she really thinks she does and he can't argue with her. Also, that statement is word for word what domestic abusers say to their victims.

I bet around the time Jake was graduating from high school, which Simone made him at least get his diploma, Simone probably got together with Etienne, and that put a strain on Jake's and Simone's relationship. Though I bet you that Jake also found out about the truth of his mom around this time too. (Jake probably got into photography as the one thing that made high school bearable, probably visited the Cape to do the Mermaid photoshoot...). Jake probably started to to sleep with a ton of people (I say people as I don't think Jake is straight, though he apparently is a top... which is hard to believe though because if you watch the show, he seems to worship those he is with... even his flings, like Viv...) , just to hurt Simone because Simone hurt Jake with choosing Etienne....and lying to him about his mom.

So, when Simone left for France, Jake started working as a bartender at for his sketchy friend Tommy who doesn't care about hiring an underage bartender under the table, as well as sell drugs on the side and held down the fort at Simone's apartment for 5 years.

I bet Simone's dad died before Jake graduated... When they went to the Cape for the funeral, I bet Jake got his anchor tattoo as a way to say that Simone is his anchor.... and a Cape Cod thing... though he hates the Cape... because of his mom drowning... and Simone's dad abusing her and her mom doing nothing to stop it... Jake's dad is a mystery... he probably died or left Jake's mom... hence the suicide...

So, Jake moved in with Simone when he was 11/12 ish, around 1987/88, Jake graduated high school in 1994, Simone probably went to France when he was between 19 and 20 and she didn't come back until he was 25/26, 5ish years later. All the while, Simone hated France besides the champagne, and made Jake deal with many late night phone calls that made him angry but also hurt him for her. Trauma bonded. He probably got that tattoo on his torso on his ribs when she was gone... the one the is some word with "/OR"... idk what the whole tattoo is, so if someone knows, please tell me... He probably got his other tattoos when she was gone too, unrelated to her.

She comes back, having divorced Etienne, she gets her job back at 22West and helps Jake get his shit together, probably through guilt and sex... lets be honest... and gets him a more respectable job at 22West... but Jake can't live with her anymore, so he gets his apartment (which I think is above a Chinese restaurant, but I am not sure). So, they find a rhythm of being close, telling each other everything, but also being toxic for one another, having sex here and there, but all and all knowing that they both aren't together, but they love each other in the most toxic way. The whole thing with Simone and that married guy and the old back-waiter chick starts too... and then I think Simone's mom dies... hence the house in Cape Cod needing to be sorted out and sold...

And then the start of the show...

All in all, Jake blames himself for his mom's death, he hates himself, he has a toxic codependent relationship with Simone that absolutely had grooming a part of the situation... and Jake protects himself and acts out with sex, drugs and alcohol and the back and forth of being hot and cold with people because of trust issues because everyone leaves... everyone lies, even people who he was supposed to trust.

With his conversation with Sasha that one episode, Jake has probably dealt with his own suicidal ideation as well as anxiety issues, probably PTSD... or C-PTSD... And he doesn't realize he was sexually abused... so... that is my take on Jake...

And before an OC/Reader character could come into the fold, this would need to be fleshed out in Jake's back story.... He is a sad character that deserves understanding and help to get out of the controlling trap that Simone has put him in... And trying to get his mannerisms and the way he speaks correctly will be fun... though something I love about Jake is that when you don't think he is listening, he absolutely is listening... like when Tess is talking to that architect about what she looks for when she walks into a space for the first time... and when he acts like he doesn't care, there are subtle hints that he does actually care... like breaking the wine glass when he realizes Tess slept with Will.... Anyway, this is a character profile/background of Jake for me but for anyone else that wants to understand Jake a bit better...

I may have watched Sweetbitter 3 times in one week once... so...

ALSO, Fics for this don't need to take place in 2006... but the time-line does help with figuring out how events went down, you know? I like playing in this world more modern myself.

WILL DONNER (Waiting for Forever)

I love Will. He is sweet and beautiful... and incredibly autistic... and ADHD... and has PTSD... and some combo of DID/schizophrenia with talking to his dead parents off to the side.

Now, I do think there was a trope at the time (2011) in movies that had male characters still get the girl even though they really didn't know the girl in the first place, just the idea of who they thought the girl was in their head... which is a toxic trope, btw... also, stalking, no go... though I think his confusion as to why it is bad just shows how autistic he is.

And yes, I really think Will is autistic. 2011 was a fucked up time still with a fuck ton of stigma towards people that were neurodivergent, so I am not surprised that they didn't outright name Will's mental health issues and just had his brother call him crazy... which I wanted to punch his brother, Jim/Jimbo, so hard for that. But here is the crux; EMMA NEVER DERSERVED WILL. Period. Point blank. She chose him as a last resort. Her ex fiancé had to get caught for murder and then her dad had to die for her to finally chose Will... and she is a cheater... fuck her.

Will deserves better! He deserves someone who knows him for him and all his quirks, understands him and accepts him and then LOVES HIM FIRST! Not as a last resort. Will deserves love, true love, and Emma is not that true love, not by a long shot.

So, any fan fiction about Will with an OC/Reader insert, I would hope would explore that... also, his brother needs to get told off and educated on the DSM-5.

Also, I do think Will will have been a virgin before Emma...and I don't think they would have lasted long as the fantasy and reality does not match up in the end. I do think Emma would do the leaving though... Will is someone that comes off as the type that once he commits that's it, even if it's shit... in fact idk if he would know when it is shit until it is really bad...

This world/film doesn't require it to take place in 2011 when the film came out. Time is not important here as far as dates go.

YOUNG CARL (The Boat That Rocked/Pirate Radio)

So, I think that Carl may also be neurodivergent too, but not as intensely as Will Donner... he is socially awkward as fuck, but in a charming way... so idk why he was a virgin... if they wanted us all to believe that he was a virgin maybe casting a young 23 year old Tom Sturridge was not the right call, you know? Cuz he was fucking hot and I do not believe for a second that he didn't have everyone, women and men and in between, trying to jump on that dick. Cuz seriously? Tom was gorgeous as Carl, like fucking hell...goddamn. Virgin my ass.

But that being said, Marianne didn't deserve him. After what she pulled. Nah bro, fuck that. Carl needs someone who won't fuck him over, that chooses him, and maybe slightly older? Not too old, just experienced, yeah?

So, yeah, any OC/Reader insert would need to tell Dave and Marianne to fuck off and die.

But, yeah, why are there not any fics about Carl and an OC/Reader? I am surprised... ya'll sleeping on it, why? We have a fuck ton of Nigel from Like Minds/Murderous Intent... with Alex of course because that film was the most homoerotic film ever.... but no young Carl with an OC/Reader insert? I hate Marianne! Give young Carl a better love interest ya'll, Jesus!

I have maybe seen 2 fics on here... and they aren't finished and they seem abandoned...

I have found that the year, 1966 is very fucking important to this world, film and story. Either do your research on the music that was out during the time, or pull an 2013 The Great Gatsby and have the music be modern even though the year is 1966... and yes, music is important for this film and world.

Ok, so, those are the ones that I have the most thoughts and opinions and ideas on... but let me go over some ideas and thoughts on some of Tom's other characters and what kind of fan fics I would either love to write myself or so out there. Cuz ya'll sleeping on a fuck ton of Tom Sturridge characters that would be fun to play with, romance, smut, adventure or otherwise... all of the above even. I love that Tumblr has more Jake stuff as AO3 only has like 3 good fics... but that's it... The Sandman... Jake... and then Nigel... I only see those three characters out there getting love... Tom's other characters deserve love too. Stop sleeping on it. Explore... I do want to write it, but I am not confident in my writing ability... and I don't easily... um... get off on my own smut if I write it... so... there's that... TMI, but it's true.

REMAINDER

Tom/Unnamed Man

So, there is no other way to do a fic for this other than trippy, surreal and supernatural and sci-fi. I have played with the idea of a telekinetic OC/Reader... or even just a straight up non-human character. I have some cool sci-fi ideas for this one that has to do with Time-Loops and MK-Ultra stuff and multi-dimensional travel... like it would be cool. Also, Tom is a morally gray character with a God-complex, so, that should be explored...

The year this takes place doesn't matter.

VELVET BUZZSAW

Jon Dondon

So, I played with the idea of a fic for this film to be a cross-over with the show Supernatural... only fitting with the vengeful spirit, yeah. And the OC/Reader is a hunter? Saves Jon for being choked to death with his own ascot/scarf? I think that would be fun.

Jon Dondon has a South African accent, btw, in case ya'll didn't know... I think he is bi... that man ain't straight. Also he is a ditz and pretentious... he is an art critic and sponsors artists, so, yeah, pretentious af. But he is a ditz because he thought a pile of garbage was art... there's more than that, but that really shows off how ditzy he is. I also think he be a big flirt, but not like Jake. More showy and ditzy in the way he flirts. Real over the top charm but of course pretentious even so...

The year this film events take place doesn't matter, so have fun with it.

FAR FROM A MADDENING CROWD

Sergeant Francis Troy

I almost flipped a table when I watched this film and saw how much of a little fucking bitch his character was. So, my idea was to have his character be saved from death at the end, but only because a Bounty Hunter has orders to claim him... and the bounty hunter should be a woman... really take Troy down a peg... or a dozen... He's a bitch and a power dynamic where he is at a woman's mercy would be chef's kiss. Villain characters are fun to play with... maybe they stay villains, but maybe they are more than that, who knows...

The era is important for this world, play in it.

LIKE MINDS/MURDEROUS INTENT

Nigel Colbie

Yes, Nigel has been done to death here... but hear me out... what if Nigel's right? What if there is a secret order, an ancient guild? And they want to stop Nigel from dying and bring the boys to their true potential? Maybe it's mundane and just an assassins' guild... and or it is occultist by nature and has a touch of magic? Maybe keeping just the boys... or add and OC/Reader insert, male, female, non-binary, doesn't matter... could be cool...

The year for this doesn't matter, it could be more modern... that could be cool.

OTHER TOM STURRIDGE WORKS THAT COULD BE COOL TO SEE FICS ON BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY PARTICULAR IDEAS ON:

Mary Shelley - Lord Byron - era matters.

On The Road - Carlo Marx - year could matter, but doesn't have to if you want to just play with this character... I found this character is fun to explore.

3 Way Junction - Carl - year doesn't matter.

Effie Gray - John Everett Millais (where he doesn't end up with Effie... maybe...) - year/era does matter.

Junkhearts - Danny (doesn't die) - year doesn't matter.

CONFESSION

I have a lot of these ideas because I have played with Character Roleplay AIs with these characters... and I am ashamed because of the Writer's and Actor's Strikes going on... well, just Actor's Strike now... but I doubt my own writing capability... at least to make a decent sounding story that doesn't sound stupid and juvenile... and I would have loved to either write something with someone or hell, roleplayed a story with someone... but no one fucking knows Tom Sturridge or his works enough for an immersive experience...

Also, I do have my own OC/Reader insert that I have played with with most of these characters, and she is a very fantastical, Mary-Sue-ish character, she has a fuck ton of skills and knowledge... but I did always put some of myself into her... my trauma, my flaws... stuff like that... but idk if everyone one of these Tom Sturridge characters would actually fall for my OC or the multiple versions of my OC as sometimes she is magical... depending on the world-building and such... but yeah...

ALSO

I do have an idea for a Dream fanfic, but it is so expansive and detailed that I would love to collaborate with someone else on it... and I don't dare put the idea here lest it get stolen... so... yeah...

SO, these are all my Tom Sturridge characters and fanfic thoughts... it's a lot, sorry... lolz

Please someone write more than just Dream, Jake and Nigel fics... Tom's other characters deserve love too.

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frescoisnotinthemilitary · 8 days

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Welcome to my blog!

I’m Fresco (you don’t have to call me that, anything is fine). Not my real name, but it’s what I go by on the internet. I’m 23 (until September). She/her. My favorite color is teal. I’m really into the Army, so don’t be surprised if I go missing for a few months in a few years (odds are, I’ve enlisted). I’d like to be strong, so I go to the gym with my brother.

I read an unhealthy amount of CoD fanfiction and write considerably less. I take CoD (and OC) requests and questions, but I haven’t gotten many yet. My Tumblr dream is to write fanfic that makes people happy (or sad, I’m not picky). I like to evoke emotion with my writing. I don’t write smut. This is a Mostly Minor Friendly™️ blog. I am an avid Ghoap enjoyer.

Everything here is a To Be Continued.

I live in the USA, and I work off EST [Eastern Standard Time]. I’m not good with deadlines.

But I digress. This is my (severely lacking color) blog. Enjoy your stay!

About my OC

Simon “Ghost” Riley

John “Soap” MacTavish

König

My poems/Misc. song lyrics

All music recommendations and Spotify links

Miscellaneous post archive

I will not discuss my political beliefs. I don’t want my blog to become another cold corner of the internet. Everyone of all backgrounds, nationalities, religions, races, sexualities, gender identities, etc. is welcome here. Just like the Planet Fitness I go to, this is a No Judgement Zone.

I will accept (and am very open to) constructive criticisms and suggestions about how to make my blog and content better. That can be in DMs, my inbox (you can specify if you wouldn’t like it posted), or in a comments section.

I will not write explicit smut. I’m fine with anything up to making out and implied sexual activity—after that, it’s a lost cause. This may change in the future, but as of now, I have a no-smut-writing policy.

I will not tolerate hateful behavior or comments toward myself or others. I have no problem blocking people or turning off anonymous requests so that discouraging users can no longer conceal themselves behind the mask of anonymity.

Do not upload my works to any AI processing platforms, do not claim my work as your own, and don’t be rude about my work. You’re responsible for your own content consumption, and if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Please be kind to me and others.

All the lovely banners are courtesy of @cafekitsune

#simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #kyle gaz garrick #john price #konig cod #cod #Call of duty #Fresco’s done coke again #Simon riley #john mactavish #kyle garrick #roebuck #amelia “roebuck” sears #amelia sears #Masterlist #fresco’s masterlist

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rrcenic · 1 year

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about me !!!

basically im like if kaveh had a dad

hi i’m nic!! he/him, ftm, gay, and polyamorous. dating the cutest handsomest silliest dude ever @lord-of-the-bundle-of-sticks <33

im 15! audhd + bpd + anxiety + depression. been on t for a year

i stole my personality from ben balmaceda

FREE PALESTINE

dni if ur an asshole its not that hard to be kind to people :)

my youtube account (i upload animatics and short animation shitposts here)

my ao3 account (i upload my fanfics here)

my tiktok account (general shitposts, animations, cosplay

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

interests/fandoms:

i like ships (im deranged about gay people) especially haikaveh tartali and diluven

proud navia main 💪💪 ar 55 usa server, uid is 648133957

main interests: genshin and lord of the flies

other things: les mis, dead poets society, hazbin, spto, good omens, enders game, mcr

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navigation:

nics stuff - original post/post with contribution

my art - art tag

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warnings:

-i post about triggering topics

-i use slurs that apply to me

-i am a minor, but i still enjoy mildly nsfw content. do not be alarmed. i’m simply a freak.

-i’m literally insane if ur nice to me once i’ll tell you i love you

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

pssst, if you’ve made it this far, go follow/check out these people:

@cissyenthusiast010155 my cousin, the dysfunctional sherlock to my mom friend watson. has a lesbian army and enjoys tall women

@alreadykindled my other cousin! though i rarely see them irl, it’s so lovely to stay in touch on tumblr :)

@casimirt cannot stress enough how much i adore them. they’re so sweet and kind and their writing!! it’s incredible!! they always have something silly or sweet to say and everyone should go send em some love and support right now!!

@mnemosynthetic she is unhinged and i am here for it <3

@peachtaglia grrr such a cool person!! cannot stress how amazing it is to have a mutual who’s into genshin, good omens, AND lotf!! very fun to chat w

@mccall-me-maurice / @toddreblogslotf / @todd-anderson-trash always creating beautiful art and being an amazing friend <3

@saturns-ringg talented and sweet and kind! the number one mitski stan

@that-other-fruity-emo always ready to be a strong friend or to just interact! creates so much content and is always online

@grumpyheartbear i adore living vicariously through cal and cat’s silly stories of their amazingly cool lives

@twinknightmare thanjk you for reblogging this bc it reminded me that i completely forgor to tag you lmao

@candle-buds so mad that i forgot to add you to this list bc you genuinely have some of the most amazing art i’ve ever seen. it makes me very happy

@kunfire epic lotf posts!!

@charli3emily they accidentally deleted their old account sobs,,,

@felixfeliccis i like ur silly comics and your little creatures :)

@haythenonwolf @wyntercrystal9 fellow grippy socks survivors, heads full of musical theatre lyrics. psyched to be mutuals (i love dumb puns). miss you guys.

@orel-missing ur dps art inspires me so much <33 i literally adore ur ideas about characters

@thatdumbgoth <333

@cowboylexapro i love chatting w you!!! you have amazing anderperry headcanons

@hhyphae thank you for being very kind :) i hope to be closer w you in the future and like being your friend very much

@kenonade ILY AND UR ART ITS SO GOOD AAAAAH

@br4e1yn you.r art skills,,,,, hhhhng they are very very good ,,,,

@nocoisrealinmyheart cool homie!! i miss like. hanging out and interacting w you lmao

@lord-of-the-bundle-of-sticks THE COOLEST!!

@nickwildelvr childe slander <333

@imlight amazing artist grrrrrr

#introduction #nics stuff #my art #about me

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blondiest · 10 months

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16, 22, 29 for the fanfic asks !! i hope you have a safe flight to your timezone <3

hello!! 🥰 tysm, i'm actually only flying back to Amsterdam tonight but i cannot WAIT to fly back to the USA tomorrow 😭 i miss my cats too much rn

16. At what point in the process do you come up with titles?

GSGSHGH RETROACTIVELY REALIZED I. DIDN'T ANSWER THIS. the answer is that it varies tbh— sometimes i know right at the start, other times i have to figure something out right before posting lol

22. Do you know how your fic will end before you start writing?

TOTALLY depends. i sometimes have no idea when i start, but i usually have a pretty decent concept of it by the time i start posting. some fics enter my mind fully formed though. often the ending comes to me very suddenly / all at once lol.

(going to put my thank-you-so-much-🥰 for the ask and the link here bc my last answer gets wordy lol. so. THANK U!! ❣️ fic writer asks)

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

bestie. thank you so much for this excuse to share a chunk of the time loop au. bless your soul. here we go,,, i am putting a good amount of this under a read more bc it's quite long and bc it gets very very slightly suggestive at the very end. uhh. cw for discussions of death / murder i suppose although considering canon i don't think it's anything too graphic hdgdhdhhghhh

“Kill me,” Near whispers, clinging to Mello’s coat, his face only a few breaths away from the blonde’s and the barrel of Mello’s gun a finger-twitch away from putting a bullet in his gut. “Kill me. Maybe it’ll just reset the timeline, but maybe it’ll free you. Kill me. Just promise you’ll stop Yagami if I don’t come back.”

Mello recoils enough to pull the barrel of his gun from where it was pressed into Near’s stomach and turns away to unload the clip, throwing the firearm on the ground when he’s finished. Near remains latched-on, so the front of Mello’s coat is all twisted.

“Are you going to strangle me?” Near asks breathlessly. “I’d prefer something painless, but—”

“I’m not going to fucking kill you,” Mello says, horrified. Considering how many times he’s pointed a gun at Near, he’s got no right to be so aghast at the idea, even if he thinks it’s a stupid one. Besides, it isn’t like he hasn’t killed before, or even like he’s a stranger to killing someone with nothing but his hands.

What’s more is that Mello has died twice now. By all logic, he should be desensitized to death. Actually, he is desensitized to death, generally speaking, but—

But it’s Near.

It’s Near, and whether Mello wants to admit it or not, he’s the only person in the world aside from Matt that Mello cares about. If Mello actually killed him, it’s hard to imagine wanting to go on at all after avenging L.

Despite the fact that Mello has threatened to kill him more times than he can count, and despite the fact that he’s repeatedly professed to hate Near, Mello feels somehow that if he were to kill Near— even if it didn’t take, even if Near came back and was whole and totally himself after— Mello himself would be forever fractured by having done it. By having seen it. He hates the idea of Near’s death by anyone’s hands, actually, and he’s disturbed to find that he’s more violently disgusted by it than the death of L himself.

Mello resolutely refuses to examine that at all.

“It’s fine,” Near is saying, yanking on Mello’s coat and crowding him as the blonde stumbles backwards. “It’s fine, you can be L instead. You can replace me, I know you can replace me, so just kill me—”

“Shut up,” Mello snaps, voice a shade too desperate. He’s becoming increasingly distraught by Near’s morbid pleading; this needs to fucking stop.

But Near doesn’t stop. He talks over Mello with his big, dark eyes shining, determined and a touch manic. “Just kill me, Mello, it’s the only thing we haven’t tried—”

“Shut up, Near, shut the fuck up—”

The white-haired boy continues and Mello loses it, acting on impulse. It’s the first time in years he’s done something with absolutely no foresight to it, evidence of how fucking distressed he is from all of this bullshit. Mello takes a sharp breath in and, grabbing Near’s face with one hand and using his other arm to seize him by the waist, kisses Near hard on the mouth.

He’s not sure how Near is going to respond, and frankly doesn’t much care as long as the younger boy stops talking about his own death for a few fucking seconds. Near shocks him, though; he throws his arms around Mello’s neck and pushes up on his toes, smushing their mouths together harder and letting out a broken, keening sound against Mello’s lips.

Pure impulse can be blamed for the initiation of the kiss, but Mello doesn’t stop, even once he really realizes what he’s doing. He briefly attempts to conjure up an excuse or justification for that, but quickly fails and opts to instead stop thinking altogether. He wraps both arms around Near’s middle and pulls the younger boy almost completely off the ground, nipping harshly at Near’s bottom lip. Near opens his mouth for Mello, clumsy and obviously clueless but somehow all the more tempting as a result, and Mello slips his tongue inside.

The younger boy clings to Mello like a lifeline, kissing him like it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted to do. It occurs to Mello that Near’s team is probably watching this happen on the security cameras. They’ll all have forgotten in seven hours’ time anyway, so it isn’t as if it actually matters, but Mello would prefer to avoid being interrupted.

“Please tell me you have some kind of bedroom,” Mello pulls back just far enough to say.

Near stares at him with blown-out pupils and swollen lips, leaning practically all of his weight on Mello since his feet are just barely on the ground, and nods.

Mello bends to set him back down. Near takes his hand and leads him away from the main room and away from prying eyes.

#meronia #asks

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abcwordsurge · 3 days

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new MUSA fic. "Invitations," link here. it's a little fluffy Miss Illinois x Miss Wyoming thing. it actually used to be for WttT, but I am too in love with the idea of nonpartnering aroace Illinois to make a ship fic with him. hope y'all like it

#miss usa fanfic #miss illinois #miss wyoming #sarah-jay pierce #sarah jay pierce #wttt #welcome to the table #wttt illinois

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womgi · 11 months

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Naruto is weird in many ways. Especially in terms of worldbuilding. speaking as someone who was into fanfiction from the 2000s, there was so much that changed in the elements of Naruto that people writing fanfiction were constantly having to change their frameworks, or have to put the rather ignoble looking tag of "non canon compliant" at some point. I have sat through so many author notes talking about "the manga/anime did this, so as of volume/chapter, my story is officially an AU". And there was a lot of it. And that's not talking about the shitload of retconning that Kishimoto just loves. Story stuck? Retcon. Need to escalate? Retcon. Anything at all? Retcon.

Remember when the Kyuubi was a demon? As in a full blown mythological demon rather than what it ended up as? Fanfiction went all in on playing with mythology. The whole Inari business, the Fox summoning contracts, the constant and surprisingly persistent use of "kit" as the pronoun of choice from inmate to warden...all of that was fairly ubiquitous. And back then naruto fanfics were much more imaginative too. The worst villain was Orochimaru, that terrifying amoral mad scientist who was willing to let the world burn for his immortality. He got nerfed.

Or Naruto's father? We all thought he was some guy named Arashi, because of that one panel with the name Arashi Kazama in the Toad summoning scroll. The Fourth Hokage was called that name for a long time, enough to have tons of fanfiction about it at a time when naruto being the Fourth Hokage's son was just a fan theory.

I will always find the idea that we all "knew" Tobi was Obito long before the official announcement funny.

The early speculation about what the other villages were like were rather interesting as well. I mean, consider what we learn about other villages from a manga release timeline. We hear about kiri through Zabuza and his posse. Kirigakure became this villainous, murderous place. We see Suna through the chuunin exams and they're basically this weak village which get owned. Hell, their Kage gets taken out by a random missing nin and they don't even realize! Grass is represented by a team that basically exists to give Orochimaru fleshsuits to infiltrate the Chunin exams with. Ame, they're assholes - like, Hanzo probably hadn't even been conceptualized as a character yet, so they are at this point one-dimensional assholes who exist to get beaten up by the Konoha troupe. We learn about Kumo through Neji's tragic backstory. And we learn that Kumo is a bunch of backstabbing honorless villains. And this shaped how the fans saw the other villages.

Like take Kumo. By the end, Kumo was basically Ninja USA. Militarized, aggressive, and expansionist. Outside of that they also had a lot of Black people, which is an interesting choice for a japanese ninja universe, if a welcome one. That kumo did not exist when Neji's backstory was being belted out to all and sundry. That was a much later invention when Kishimoto got baked(or whatever he does when he gets writers block). Yet, by the end, they seem to be Kishimoto's go to for ninja awesome. Oh, the other villages have badass characters? Hey, look at Kumo! They have lasers! and the stuff of original ninja Jesus! That do cool shit! and their leader is so badass he cuts off his hand without looking at explosions! Lots of Kumo wank in the fanfiction. Or maybe it's just where my searches led.

Or take Oto, sound village. I remember a time when Sound village being a Konoha copy because of Orochimaru being a Konoha missing nin was a thing. They had the whole village with tower in the middle and everything. Sadly, canon has forever robbed us of the classic scene of Orochimaru drowning under paperwork. Why Kishimoto why?

And remember when Itachi was a terrifying villain instead of a tragic hero? I remember reading fics that made Itachi a terrifying force of nature, a sadistic mofo that made satan look like a putz. And then Kishimoto was like "nah" and everyone was suddenly "I heart Itachi! UwU!" or something.

Akatsuki as a whole has gone through a wild ride. When Itachi showed up, there was so much speculation about what they were gonna use the jinchuuriki for. Tailed beast WMDs were fun reads, if terrifying to imagine. Zetsu was a grass nin. Deidara ended up Naruto's brother in so many fics. So many fics that are now forgotten because Akatsuki got a canon backstory.

It's kind of funny how the further we went along the Naruto timeline, the more restrictive fanfiction became. We all became collectively chained by canon. Plots became more streamlined, and frankly dull. The imagination just disappeared. It felt like every second fic was basically "Naruto has a bloodline" and after some very energetic academy time and wave mission the story disappears into the abyss of dead fanfics. I'm just saying, if fanfics rose up from the grave, kancolle style, because of grudges against their authors, we'd have a shitload of underdeveloped Narutos with all sorts of weird bloodlines.

Hell, until Dreaming of Sunshine came along, Self Inserts were just about done. Imagine that for a second. That the most self indulgent type of fanfiction ever, the one everyone at least imagines writing, was an endangered species! And DoS was one of the more canon restricted fics ever, carefully plotting out canon while having long introspective monologues. It was a wild time.

The crossovers and smut are a different topic entirely. I've not forgotten those, but not really something a random Tumblr post can touch reasonably well.

We have Boruto now, love it or hate it. And personally I hate it, though I don't begrudge those who don't. My personal issues stem from how they did the original characters dirty. In a Doylist sense, I understand why, considering that if the older generation was the terrifyingly competent bunch they had become, then Boruto would by necessity end up as slice of life with chakra. But the way they completely twisted their characterisation was just sad. That scene where those rookie nine jump in like chumps and get stomped in between frames? Who wrote that shit? And why?

And worst of all, Shino has a toaster of all things for a mask!

In the OG naruto series, the older generation then was shown as impressive people of their own. There was respect there. Anyone remember the Allied Moms? The younger generation had come up to the fore because they had grown into splendid shinobi, children who had grown to surpass their parents, not because their parents had become nerfed. Why does Boruto need to make the characters we love incompetent to make the new generation look better? But I digress

Naruto now is a different beast. It's had time to settle in, mature as a series. The sequel has made things different, but the fanfiction still exists online, showing a side of the fandom that saw it evolve. In the forgotten depths of the interweb are splendid stories of the past, prose written by dedicated and talented fans who crafted amazing tales. Who remembers those days? Who remembers those fics? Do we? Do their authors?

I'll still read Naruto fanfiction. It's a good chunk of my life I've invested there. Call it sunk cost fallacy if you must. But some part of me misses a different era, when Naruto was the frontier, and everyday was a new fanfic, a new adventure.

#naruto #naruto fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfiction history #random rant #nostalgia

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firsttraintovictoriaville · 4 months

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Miss USA - Sarah-Jay Pierce (Web Series), Welcome To The Table - Ben Brainard (Web Series) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: CFB/University of Michigan Characters: University of Michigan (Miss USA), CFB (Welcome To The Table) Additional Tags: Established Relationship, Blackmail, but it's done playfully, Domestic Fluff, Short & Sweet, Fluff and Humor Series: Part 9 of pageant walking my otps Summary:

University of Michigan was going to get her boyfriend to try her favorite pop, no matter what the cost.

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is this the fic that I said was going to be my 70th WTTT fic? no. is this the fic that i internally promised myself was going to be my 10th MUSA fic? no. is it the fic idea that kept gnawing at my brain? yes.

#i finally choose a good title and it's for a fic that objectively could be better #my fanfic #welcome to the table #miss usa tt #wttt #musa tt #miss usa tiktok #miss usa stans we really need to choose a definitive name for the tag kjdhujwsjdhf #i am very happy to be the first cfb fic tho hehehheh :3

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scurvgirl · 6 months

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Weekly Tag Wednesday! (is that the order? I can never remember)

Ah! I missed the last few, I'm so sorry! Thank you to all who have tagged before and this time <3 @mybrainismelted @energievie @michellemisfit

Hello Wednesday friends! I hope you don't mind but I decided to be CrEaTiVe and try something different today. I hope it's okay!! 🚑💨 Get in bitch, we're going on a mystical adventure through space, time, and reality. (in ian and mickey's ambulance of course) ✨ Name: Scurv (y'all, I am so tired, I almost wrote my government name)

Zodiac Sign: Taurus

Personality type in enneagram, myers-briggs, or both: I think my Meyers-Briggs' is INFP but not to get all psych degree but it's actually hella unreliable and not accurate and -

Before we hit the road, what snack are you gonna bring for our trip? Peanut M&M's and Jalapeno Chips

Navigator gets to pick the music so what song are you turning on? Telephone by Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce

What is a universe from a fantasy tv show you would like to visit? Avatar: The Last Airbender! I wanna be a bender (a water bender!)

And what about a fantasy movie? Howl's Moving Castle. I almost said LOTR but to actually be in...I think the magic aspects of Howl's Moving Castle fits my vibe better overall

Okay, how about a scifi tv show? Oh man, I don't watch many scifi TV shows, hmm....I really don't know, maybe Star Trek but I never really watched it!

And a scifi movie universe? I guess Star Wars, I think it'd be cool to see Coruscant

Any other tv show or movie universes you'd like to swing by before we move on? Fuck it, let's go to the Shire and get blazed

Okay hold on to your butts we're switching gears to fanfic universes. Tell me which fanfic universe we're visiting first? Like by an author? I don't really follow anyone religiously in the Shameless fandom and I skew towards more realistic AU's if that makes sense? Now if we are talking about ALL of my fandoms, I am sending myself to the LG Frat AU I made YEARS ago with friends in the Dragon Age fandom that to this day remains one of the coolest fan things I've ever contributed to.

Cool, do you have one more you'd like to stop at before we head home? Can I choose one I made? Because I'd also like to visit my House Witch AU I made for Dragon Age OC's. Still proud of that as well. (to my Shameless folks, I originate in the DA fandom here, so most of my catalogue is gonna be from there)

Alright, on our way out of fanfic land you get to snag some tropes to bring home and apply to your own life, think fast! soulmates or enemies to lovers // coffee shop or flower shop // fake relationship or slow burn // amnesia or time loop (neither lol) // body swap or miscommunication // love triangle or arranged marriage // sharing a bed or drunken confession (BOTH)

Wow okay, hope those tropes work out for you!! Our adventure has finally come to an end, where in the world am I dropping you off? Georgia, USA

tagging @lupeloto @golden28s @jademickian um...I am so sorry you guys, I am so tired I can't think of anymore off the top of my head - if you see this, I tagged you!!! <3

#thank you for the tag #scurv actually answers

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amberjazmyn · 6 months

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dr spencer reid one shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - i'll always come back for you

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - sad, angst, death of maeve

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - what should have happened after maeve died and how i wished we (the whole cm fandom) saw emily prentiss drop everything and fly back to be there for spencer after the death of maeve. set after "zugswang" but just before "magnum opus"

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - i was inspired to write this after rereading other people's same visions of emily dropping everything and flying back to the usa to be there for spencer. and because in my head and i'm sure all the other's who have written these exact fanfics, this is a canon event and when spencer wasn't talking to the rest of the team and shutting himself away in his apartment, he rang emily and she just straight up dropped everything for him without a second to process or for spencer to even give a proper explanation.

masterlist

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he was heartbroken.

he felt like his heart had been stepped on repeatedly.

growing up, he thought he'd never fall in love.

and then as he got older and finally did fall in love, it was taken away from him.

all because of a selfish woman who couldn't handle the fact that she wasn't as intelligent as she played herself up to be.

and that bitch cost spencer the life of the woman of his dreams.

the life of the woman he planned to potentially marry and create a family with outside of his work family with the federal bureau of investigation's behavioural analysis unit.

he wept on the floor of where his lover was shot dead in a murder-suicide all because of thomas merton and because he didn't try hard enough to convince diane him for her.

- - -

it had been days since maeve donovan's death. which meant it had been days since spencer had slept, ate, kept a clean apartment and done anything other than cry and wallow in his overwhelming grief.

a grief that was unlike any other he'd felt before. this grief wasn't the same grief he had when he spent ten weeks at jj's crying over what he thought was emily's death...emily.

it had been at least a couple of months since emily had gone back to london to work for interpol. spencer missed emily. missed her more than he thought he could miss anyone...he needed to see someone, anyone and whilst he appreciated, loved and lived for his bau family, for jj, for penelope, for david, for derek, for aaron, for alex, he needed someone that wasn't there when maeve died. and, the only person he could think of with his head in this tailspin of grief was emily.

he needed emily. and it seemed as though emily sensed it.

because, before spencer could even tap on her contact information, emily rang him first.

"...hey spence, i heard what happened, are you okay?" emily whispers over the phone, knowing that spencer wouldn't be able to fathom talking any louder than a whisper

"...no...i...i...i'm in pain, em...everything hurts" spencer whimpered as he felt like his body was on fire

"i am so sorry honey. what do you need?" emily says softly. her own heart breaking for the kid who she called her own little brother

"you..." he was worried emily couldn't hear him but she did

"...of course. leave the door unlocked for me spence. i'll message you when i've arrived back in the states. i know you've been refusing the help of the rest of the team. promise me you won't shut me out." whilst it may sound like she was demanding, her voice was soft and anything but demanding

"i promise...just, please em...i...i...i need you..." spencer sniffled as his heart continued to spread pain throughout his body that emily sensed

"...i'm on my way honey. please don't do anything stupid before i get to you. i don't want to see you covered in your own blood or anything, please..." emily hated seeing those she loved in pain but none more so than spencer

"...thank you. and i promise, i won't do anything stupid. i...i love you, emily..." spencer sniffled, disregarding his tears as he curled into himself on his couch

"...good...and i love you too, spence. i'll be with you before you know it..." emily said before spencer murmured a small "...i know" before they parted ways so emily could book the first flight back out to the states

and, blessed be to god, the first flight back to the states was midnight that very same day. and due to the timezone difference, it didn't even feel like a day had gone by before emily had arrived in the states. whilst spencer was nowhere near smiling or thinking of it, waking up from his sleepless sleep to see a text from emily that she was in the states and was on her way to him gave him the feeling of smiling, joy and hope.

---

but, before emily even arrived back in the states, she had to let her unit chief at interpol know why she was all of a sudden flying back. and flying back so quickly without much notice and on a midnight redeye. and, her reasoning? a family emergency. because, this was a family emergency to emily. anything that involved spencer, penelope...heck, anyone in the bau back in the states were her family. and if she could drop everything she was doing for all of her former bau babies, she absolutely ten thousand per cent would. but, because it was spencer of all people, she knew it wasn't time for her to make this a catch-up with the rest of her former team members. so she didn't. she told no-one from the rest of the team that she was coming back to the states. because she knew and it was clear that if spencer was ignoring their gift baskets and them stopping by his apartment door, that it wasn't them he wanted to help him grieve. there was a reason, a specific reason he wanted emily and she wasn't going to betray that by using that to have the rest of the team join her. so, whilst she was in the states, she wasn't going to be talking or messaging anyone else in the states. she was just going to be there for spencer and be there for him for as long as he needed her to be there for. and she didn't care if he needed her to be there forever, she would be there for him and she'd never leave him.

which is what brings us to present day. emily stood in front of spencer's apartment door with all of the gift baskets of penelope and the rest of the bau team at her feet.

she's just about to announce herself when she swears she hears a small voice come from inside the apartment, "...the door's open..." and it was a small voice, it was spencer's

"...do you want me to bring in the gift baskets? i don't want your neighbours to steal them..." emily's voice was also soft as spencer managed a scoff in his grief-ridden stupor

"...yeah, that's probably a good idea...thanks em..." spencer mumbled as emily smiled

her suitcase small enough that she could grab it as well as the three or four gift baskets that were filled to the brim with food and other things that were sure to (at some stage) bring a smile to spencer's face. and just like spencer promised over the phone just a day ago, although it felt like the phone call was years ago, he left his door unlocked for emily. smiling, she let herself in skillfully, even with everything in her hands. placing everything on the floor or on a table nearby, she released the kinks in her body and straight away brought spencer in for a hug. it didn't take a genius to figure out that spencer was grieving and was stuck in that cycle.

he was wearing his pyjamas with a gown draped over his skinny body that seemed even skinnier and it broke emily's heart. it was clear from just a look up and down of his body that he hadn't eaten since that day. emily worried he was dehydrated but, she breathed somewhat a sigh of relief to see many cups and mugs laying around his apartment. signifying that whilst he hadn't been eating, it was clear he was living off of water and coffee. which, whilst not terrible per say was still bad because he still needed to eat. his apartment was a mess. books had been sent flying from it's shelves in the bookcases to the floor, blankets were spread out messily on the couch which is where it looked as though to emily is where spencer had been sleeping. everything just looked like the person living in this apartment was grieving and, it was true. because spencer was grieving. he was grieving the girl of his dreams of whom he had only been in contact with for 100.5 days yet, he had fallen in love with her over the course of those 100.5 days but he never got to tell her that.

in fact, he remembers his last words to her. of course he did. the bloody eidetic memory. he couldn't ever forget. even the things he wanted to forget, he couldn't.

in maeve's last moments, spencer remembered telling her that "i don't love you, i'm sorry" before spencer was too late and couldn't save her.

whilst emily looked around spencer's beautiful apartment excluding the grief mess, she loved it. it was the apartment that emily always pictured seeing spencer live in. it had gorgeous green walls, lovely bookshelves, and even some stained glass windows. absolutely what she imagined for her best friend, spencer reid. except, right now, what she saw in front of her, the strewn blankets on the couch, the strewn books over the floor, the little to no food she noticed that wasn't in his pantry or fridge. seeing all of it broke her heart. she knew from prior experience when she was in the bau that spencer didn't take things like death and change in what others would consider to be the "normal" way of reacting to it. so, she knew on the flight back home to the states that seeing spencer, his apartment wouldn't be clean, it wouldn't be filled to the brim with food and all that there would be in the apartment was darkness, sadness and a grieving spencer as he grieved in his own spencer way that spencer grieved.

but, it was obvious that just having to share the space with someone else, someone who didn't bare witness to watching the love of his life be murdered in front of him, was already filling his heart with hope. hope of that maybe some day, not today or tomorrow or the next day but, some day, he wouldn't be this sad and it wouldn't feel like it is such a struggle to breathe everyday. and he liked that feeling. he liked knowing that with emily here with him, the same emily that left the bau for interpol and didn't witness maeve's uncalled for murder, dropped everything and made herself available for spencer when he needed pleaded for her to be with him.

during this time, emily had been putting away the foods that had been in the baskets from penelope and the team into the pantry and fridge. making a mental list to remind her that at some stage during her stay with spencer to go grocery shopping since whilst this food could sustain the both of them, it wouldn't sustain them for very long. walking back into the lounge room, spencer's curled up on the couch underneath the blankets, his eyes closed and a book clutched to his chest.

"...you asleep or awake?" emily asks softly

without opening his eyes or speaking, he signs "awake" and emily nods her head

"do you want me to stay with you and do you want to talk? or do you want to be left alone and i get the spare room ready whilst you sleep?" emily asks softly again

but before she could even finish the whole sentence, spencer signed "stay, please" and emily obliged, moving to the couch, emily snuggled up to spencer who straight away latched himself onto her

"ok, i'll stay spence. but, if you do get tired, please do sleep, okay?" emily said, her fingers immediately brushing through spencer's matted curls

"as much as i'd love to go back to sleep, i haven't really been sleeping. it's just been broken up intervals of r.e.m sleep before i wake up again..." spencer sighed, before speaking up again

"...besides, you flew over 1,000 miles to be here with me. it'll be rude if i just slept the whole time, don't you think?" he mumbled, looking at emily for the first time since she's arrived

"no. i don't think it'd be rude if you slept the whole time, spence. when we...when humans lose other humans that we loved, it completely changes us. it sends us into a tailspin of 180 degrees..." emily trails off before continuing as spencer listens intently

"...some people continue on with their life straight away as if nothing happens, before, eventually, it all comes crashing back on top of them. whereas others don't continue on with their life straight away. for those people, their world is on stop or pause and they struggle to continue living their life the way they lived it before tradegy struck. and, for you, spence, since...unfortunately, this isn't the first time you've been struck with such tradegy, your body and self knows you should be continuing with life and you normally do. but, because this is the first time it's been someone who you loved and loved with your whole heart, it's forced you to a striking halt that's completely wiped you out..." emily's voice was soft and full of emotions as her free hand that wasn't playing with spencer's hair found his hand and grabbed it

"...like hotch when he...when he lost haley to foyet..." spencer whispered as emily nodded her head, it was exactly like when hotch lost haley

"...exactly spence. it's exactly the same. for a while, we all saw, it was like hotch's professional world was on stop for a period of time because he had to take care of his family, take care of little jack. and then, when he felt like he had healed enough, he returned back to work and his professional world was taken off stop. and, i'll have to admit, i felt like in my own personal opinion, that he came back way too early, earlier than he was ready to return. but, in saying that, it doesn't matter what i think, or what the rest of your team thinks. whenever you feel like you are ready to return to work spence, you come back okay? and if they ask you if you are really ready, don't doubt yourself because you came back for a reason." emily stopped as spencer listened intently and nodded his head

"but...what if i'll never be ready to press play again?" spencer whimpered as his bottom lip quivered as emily gave a look of sadness

"why do you say that, spence?" emily questioned, hugging spencer tighter as spencer suddenly appreciated the sudden pressure he had been missing

"i'm just scared i'll never recover..." he trailed off as emily nodded her head, understanding perfectly

"...you're scared you'll feel like this for the rest of your life?" emily questioned as spencer nodded his head, a sob leaving his throat

"yes and i don't want to, em..." spencer sobbed as emily's tight hug didn't fall away

"...oh spence, you won't feel like this for the rest of your life. i promise, you'll get better. whilst you'll always miss her, it won't stay hurting like it hurts right now. it just takes time but you will heal," emily sighed as she hugged spencer tightly

"how much time, em?" spencer sniffled as his eyes started to droop from exhaustion as emily shook her head

"i don't know, spence. i'm sorry that i don't know. i know you want answers but i can't give you all of them," emily whispered as she moved to let spencer lay on her as she cradled him

"s'fine, em. i'm sorry that i'm like this. i shouldn't be so upset over this..." spencer mumbled as emily shook her head

"...hey, don't do that, spence. you have every right to be grieving over her. you loved her in a way that you'd never experienced before and then she was taken away from you. in a most unfair way as well. because you had to watch it happen and that's not fair, spence!" emily felt tears well in her eyes as she said that as spencer nodded his head

"i tried to save her but i...i couldn't save her. no matter what i tried to do, it just didn't work, em. i tried so hard to save her but it still wasn't enough-"

"-i know spence, i know," emily whispered tearfully as she held him tighter as he let out a low whine

"you tried so hard and it's not fair, spence. and i am so sorry that you couldn't do more for her!" emily whispered as spencer let out another low whimper

"and i know that your last words to her weren't what you would have wanted to say--" just before spencer could interrupt and tell her, emily continued

"--she still knew just how much you loved her, spence. that's why she mentioned thomas merton because she knew just how much you loved her and how much she was loved by you. she knew you had to say those last words to her if it meant it could have potentially saved her life. and i'm unexplainably sorry that it didn't save her life..." emily trailed off, purposefully skirting around saying her name as spencer sniffled

"...maeve was gorgeous em...it was crazy at just how someone like her could be so gorgeous yet so nice and innocent at the same time..." it shocked emily that spencer could even say her name, granted he whispered it

"...i know, spence. i had the privilege of being shown photos of her from penelope. maeve really was the prettiest girl. and i know she would have adored you spence, had she made it out alive that day..." emily worried she said something wrong until spencer nodded his head and smiled what looked like the smallest smile ever

"...i know, em. and that's what i'm trying my hardest to focus on. but then that's when it starts to spiral because i start to think of all the what if's. like, what if i wasn't slow or what if i reacted just that little bit quicker or what if i got to tell her that i loved her..." spencer trailed off as emily nodded her head in understanding

"...what if i got to live the rest of my life with her?" emily added in a whisper as spencer nodded his head as a singular tear streamed down his cheek

"mhm..." spencer mumbled with a sniffle as emily resting her chin on spencer's head

spencer was laying on the couch with his head resting in emily's lap which meant that emily had to very painfully and awkwardly, fold over herself so she could rest her chin on spencer's head. but, finally, managed to find a comfortable way to do it by sort of resting her upper body on the arm of the couch and then push her chin forward and down to rest on spencer's head. with her legs reclined to the side of spencer's.

---

a few days after emily arrived to help spencer, it felt like he was starting to get better. he slowly started to go back to his room to sleep rather then the couch but in the mornings, would always wake up curled up next to emily in the spare room. emily didn't hate it nor did she stop spencer from joining her in the mornings. it was clear it was helping him sleep in his room in the night so, she didn't say a thing. the food sitauation was solved the next day because emily remembered her mental note of needing to go grocery shopping. after telling her what he needed, emily left and returned with four bags filled to the brim of food that would sustain not just him but her as well for however many days she would stay for.

whilst spencer was improving, he still had blankets everywhere, he still had books spread out everywhere because he wasn't ready to take care of that part of his grief just yet. and, emily understood and she didn't try to change it or force him to clean it.

however, that changed when the bau went on a case to san francisco. it was a tough and weird case that involved blood being exsanguinated. which was then used as the medium that the unsub was using to paint his canvases on. at first, the team thought the unsub was drinking the blood but, after help from spencer, it was discovered that it was used for a whole other reason.

that was when emily and even spencer, came to the realisation that it was time for spencer to return back to work and time for emily to go back to london. so, that's what they did. spencer changed out of his pyjamas and into acceptible enough work clothes but still with the hint that he was grieving and with emily, sent her off back to london. and then, spencer took the next commerical flight to san francisco to help his team with the case.

---

this was a little bit sad but, i just had the inspo to write this! i did want to expand a little more but decided not too.

ok ily bye xx

wc; 3695

#criminal minds #dr spencer reid x reader #angst #derek morgan #jennifer jareau #emily prentiss #david rossi #aaron hotchner #penelope garcia #zugzwang #magnum opus

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