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iwishyouwuju · 3 years

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Sex Education theory about Aimee - Maeve - Ruby

I have a Sex Education head canon:

Maeve and Ruby were friends even before Ruby knew Olivia and Anwar.

Why did I come up with this hc?

Well because I was re-watching season 3 and I did not really understand why having a "small house" could lead Ruby into being the "mean girl" at school. Her father was diagnosed with sickness only recently (a year ago when season 2 happened) so she had a relatively normal childhood. Unlike say if you compare it to Adam who had Mr. Groff as a father, Ruby's dad seemed like a loving dad. So why build the defenses she put up?

I also keep thinking why was Maeve usually the receiving end of jabs from the untouchables when according to Eric, "Maeve's the coolest girl in school"? She isn't exactly the type to be bullied exhibited by the scene in s1e01 where she punches the guy who told her "nice rack", Maeve fights back... except when it comes to Ruby.

Okay let's start with my reach!

Ruby and Maeve’s friendship and how it ended.

Say they were childhood friends up until their teens. What drove them apart? Remember the name "c 0 ck biter" and how Maeve explained to Otis how she got the name. There was a guy called Simon who tried to kiss her but she said no when they were 14 years old. I was thinking what if ruby fancied THAT guy? and Maeve knew that's why she said no? but like in typical movies, Ruby saw the guy going for the kiss and left before she even saw that Maeve rejected? (it's a “mean girls” drama type of thing but that's where the untouchables came from anyway)

Obviously, young Ruby was hurt and when people are hurt they can become cruel (there are several instances in the show). So when Simon, the guy she liked, told the fake story around school.. Ruby believed it. It was easier to hate Maeve when she believed that story. Maybe Maeve and Ruby had a confrontation about it maybe not.. but Ruby made up her mind. This also could've been the start where Ruby started the cool act. She learned how school "works" -- that by staying on top of the popular crowd there has to be people at the bottom.

Which begs the question "How come Maeve doesn't stand up against Ruby?" I have some answers for this:

Maybe Simon and Ruby briefly got together and her fighting back will make it seem that Maeve is just jealous so she didn't try to dispute the rumors anymore.

Whenever the untouchables bring up how "poor" Maeve is (ie. her appearance, her living in a caravan), I think Maeve knew Ruby enough to discern that it's Ruby's defense mechanism. Perhaps Maeve even knew that Ruby doesn't also live in a grand mansion and didn't want to mention it because that would just be low. And Ruby also knows that Maeve is relatively poor so she continued to pile on in fear that if she ever did say something, kids at school would be suspicious that maybe she's also poor. I observed this is a behavior she does when she's the one being in the conflict. In s1e05, when Ruby's nude photo got leaked she immediately threw out Maeve's name as a scapegoat.

It was not worth it anymore because Maeve dealt and is dealing with heavier problems such as her brother leaving her, her mom being an addict and taking off too etc.

Now we connect the details that I got from Aimee.

In s1e1, Aimee seemed like a new addition to the untouchables bc she doesn't seem as close to them and doesn't know what are their usual "cool protocols".

In contrast, Aimee’s conversation with Maeve made it seem like she's been with friends with her longer (opening up about Adam, playing in their hiding spot etc).

I think Maeve and Aimee are friends the year before but at the end of that school year Aimee got "invited" to be with the cool kids so she joined and Maeve is not the type to dwell on that popularity stuff anymore but she saw that Aimee felt glad to be considered one of the cool kids so she didn't want to say something. She also didn’t even mind that Aimee wanted to keep their friendship as a secret.

Now in season 1 episode 5, we see Ruby tackle a conflict about her nude photo getting leaked. Interestingly, she felt vulnerable enough to ask Maeve for help. “I don’t know who else to ask” she said.

Not only that but I think this is the first scene she actually opened up to someone!! Maeve is the first person she opened up to not Otis when she shared a bit of her home situation about her grandma. And in this scene it’s like Maeve’s guard is also down because she laughed! She only really laughs around people she’s comfortable with.

Now what did Maeve do when Ruby opened up to her?? She symphatized with Ruby and didn't even take her offer of payment. [Now this is a stretch for me because I still liked the idea that even if Maeve didn't have a past with Ruby, she would still help her.]

Now at the end of episode 5, when both Maeve and Otis cracked the mystery on who was threatening Ruby, Otis asked Maeve "How did you know it was a girl?"

Maeve figured out that it was a girl who leaked Ruby's photo and not the boys Ruby had a fling with because Maeve understood how cruel a girl's revenge can be because she experienced it too!

After that episode where Maeve helped Ruby, I thought maybe Ruby would change. In season 2 we still see her calling Maeve names. So I’m still left wondering "Why would Ruby still call Maeve a c 0 ck biter after all the help she got from her?"

This is where Aimee comes in again. Remember the scene "I am dumping you for her." where Aimee drops Ruby and the rest of the gang for Maeve? What if Ruby took that a bit personally? I mean at that point her personality was still "Everyone knows who I am and everyone loves me." But it also had layers because not only did Aimee dumped Ruby (+anwar and olivia), Aimee replaced them with MAEVE and that maybe triggered Ruby to remember her past issues with Maeve.

Soooo yeah that’s my brain dump. Idk I just love Ruby’s growth but I re-watched season 1 episode 1 and I started to wonder the deeper meaning of her actions. This headcanon of mine gives her depth on why she acts like that at school.

For season 4, I think I would want her and Maeve to have a conversation. And her having the initiative to say sorry to Aimee for treating her badly as a friend and then Anwar and Olivia would hopefully follow too. I also would want her to be a team player in saving Moordale just like in season 3 where she faced Hope. I would like to see Anwar and Olivia helping her move on too and in the process letting them in strengthening their friendship more. Because the show really does friendships well and I feel like that would be the full circle character development I would have wanted to see from Ruby.

Disclaimer: I haven’t fully re-watched from season 1 - 3 I just got the screenshots from scenes I remember and skipped to those. There may be actual details that I missed that disproves my theory but yeah I was having fun with this narrative.

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earthlyemily · 3 years

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I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is [email protected] or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is [email protected] i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

#personal #finances #broke #poor #vegan #small business owner #graves disease #saving animals #off grid #I wonder if anyone will even read this all #debt #life update lol #p

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stoned-kitties · 4 years

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I never really thought I would experience one of my loved ones being diagnosed with dementia but now that it’s happening, I have no idea how to feel. I realized something was off last year when I went to borrow my grandma’s dog kennel and she just seemed not herself when I was talking to her. Just a little spacey I guess. She couldn’t remember how to do simple things on her iPhone but I brushed it off because she was never into the new technology and didn’t care to be. Then at thanksgiving, she was an hour late to dinner because she couldn’t remember how to get to my aunts house, the same house we’ve been having thanksgiving at for the last 17 years. That’s when I started to get worried. She began having trouble at work, doing repetitive tasks like wiping down the counter, wandering around for 5 minutes and then wiping the counter down again. She was extremely irritable and would lose her temper and become frustrated very quickly. She couldn’t remember how to do the same job she has been doing for 50 years some days. There were a few instances where she couldn’t get her car to drive because she would forget to put her foot on the brake to shift the car into reverse. My grandmother lives alone and that was even scarier. I’d constantly worry that she would fall or hurt herself and no one would know. We were planning to buy my uncle’s house right next door in order to keep an eye on her. That plan was discussed 2 months ago. None of us thought it would get this bad this quickly. Last week she called her brother in a panic because “mom and dad weren’t home yet”. When I was told that, my heart dropped to my feet because her parents have both been gone for at least 16 years. She said she had trouble sleeping and was hearing “religious speech” in her sleep. They took her to the doctor and she was diagnosed.

Now she is moving into a home a few minutes from my dad’s house. She said she was too scared to go back to that big house by herself. She has to be reminded to eat and drink. She’s having incontinence problems and she doesn’t do much besides lay on the couch. She will be quarantined for 2 weeks once she moves in because of COVID-19 but even after those 2 weeks, we still cannot see her because my sister and I are still in contact with the public from working. My dad is a wreck because she is his only parent and the only parent he has ever known. We will have to go through all of her belongings in her home at some point in the near future. I have no idea what will become of all of her things. I have no idea how quickly the disease will progress or how much time we have left with her. I have no idea how much longer she will remember who I am. I am dreading the day she sees me and can’t put together what my name is. I don’t want to be sad. My dad and my sister are already sad. They need someone to hold them together and that will most likely be me. I’m okay with that though. I’ve grown up being the strong one, the one that has to hold her own when things get hard and save the tears for when I’m alone.

Things are going to get really hard soon.

#personal

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myforeverforlife · 5 years

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familiar stranger (part one).

To be honest, there’s not much that you’re sure of anymore. After waking up disoriented and in a hospital bed, you find that not only have you been in a terrible bus accident, but you have lost years of memories as well. To top it all off, the man beside you — the man who looks at you with tears in his eyes — is your husband. Even worse: you don’t remember what his name is.

Word Count: 5,605

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It was freezing cold. You were overwhelmed by it, a frigid blanket covering you even as you tried to open your eyes. A heaviness settled in your mind, making it hard to even think. Your entire body felt stiff, arms and legs staying woodenly by your sides. The worst pain was in your neck, and you could feel how your head was being supported by some uncomfortable apparatus. But despite all of this, you found comfort in the warmth around your right hand.

Almost like a hand was holding onto yours.

You finally managed to get your eyes open the slightest bit, but the sudden brightness had you wincing in pain and closing then once more.

“Baby? Are you awake?”

The unfamiliar voice startled you, eyes blearily opening to take in the stranger sitting beside you. This time, the light didn’t hurt as much, and you were able to make out the features of the man beside you.

He stared at you worriedly, hair a mess and dark circles almost resembling bruises under his eyes. But his eyes, they made up remarkably for the fatigue on his face, tantalizingly warm pools of brown staring back at you. This warmth reminded you of the one you had felt in your sleep. Your gaze traveled down to his hands, seeing them clasped around one of your own. A gold band rested on one of his fingers, casting back what little light fell on it.

“Why are you holding my hand?” you asked him, trying to pull yours out of his grip.

The man blinked in confusion. “What? Babe, you’ve been out for a couple of days. You were in an accident,” he spoke slowly, voice cutting off with a choke.

His words were ridiculous, couldn’t possibly be directed towards you. “No, I don’t know you, you’re not making any sense. Let go,” you cried out, finally tearing your hand away and clutching it to your chest. It was at that moment that you realized where you were, the barrenness and sterile atmosphere much too reminiscent of a hospital room. You hadn’t even noticed the small clip on your finger, hooked up to a machine beside your bed as it took your pulse. The stiffness around your neck was getting to be too much, and you brought your hands up, only to be met with a strange, plush fabric and stiff plastic.

“Babe, stop. You’re going to hurt yourself,” the stranger spoke up, trying to stop you from dismantling the neck brace that you wore.

“Where am I?” you gasped out, voice shaky as the terror finally began to set in. “What’s wrong with me? Who are you?”

The man’s face had gone white, moisture gathering in his eyes. You were so terribly lost: why would he be crying for you?

He reached out towards the side of the bed, pressing a button before slumping back into his chair, his head hanging low in his hands. “They said you might not remember,” he whispered hollowly, more to himself than to you. “But I... I didn’t think...”

“Remember what?” you asked, growing more agitated with each passing second.

He looked up at you, eyes red-rimmed and filled with sorrow. Before he could speak, the door swung open, a nurse rushing into the room. “You’re awake,” he said with a smile. Once he saw the state the stranger beside you was in, his face fell, a look of realization replacing it. “I’ll go bring the doctor.”

You felt that even having the doctor wouldn’t be enough to quiet the growing anxiety in your chest. You had been in an accident? And somehow this man beside you was involved?

The door opened again to reveal the doctor and the nurse from before. This time, you spotted a familiar face behind them.

“Minseok,” you cried out, glad to see your brother.

“Oh my god.” He was by your side in a flash, strong arms wrapping around you and holding you close to him. “I’m so glad you’re awake,” he mumbled into your hair, words cut off by a series of sniffles.

“What’s happening?” you asked. “And you — your hair is orange!”

Minseok pulled away a bit, eyebrows creasing as he studied your face. “Yeah,” he began hesitantly. “You helped me dye it last week.”

“I did what?”

“She doesn’t remember,” the stranger spoke up. You had forgotten about him as soon as you saw Minseok.

Minseok wore a sad smile, eyes lingering on your neck brace. “The doctors said you might not remember the past couple of weeks,” he told you.

“It’s not just that. She doesn’t remember me,” the stranger added firmly. You glanced over to see him, jaw set and eyes brewing with some emotion you couldn’t place. “She doesn’t know who I am.”

Minseok’s mouth fell open, eyes flying from the stranger’s face to yours. “Y/N, that’s Jongdae. Your husband.”

“My what?!”

Jongdae flinched at this, gaze dropping to the floor.

“You guys have been together for what, five years now? I was the best man at your wedding,” Minseok said, waiting for some kind of sign that you knew what he was talking about.

“Min, you’re making no sense,” you whispered back. You could feel the tears beginning to burn in your eyes, frustration and utter confusion drawing them to the surface.

Minseok grabbed your left hand and held it up to your face. Ironically, your hand was bare, no ring adorning any of your fingers, least of all your ring finger. You were about to pull your hand out of Minseok’s grasp when you noticed it — a much paler ring of skin resting at the base of your ring finger, the rest of your hand tanned by the sun. You could see where a ring had been, but...

“I... I don’t understand.”

Minseok opened his mouth, then closed it, at a complete loss for words. He brought your hand back down, then glanced over at the doctor in the room. “What do we do?”

The doctor and had been watching this exchange silently the whole time, studying you without you even knowing it. “Y/N, I’m Dr. Lim. I know that you’re feeling very lost and confused right now, and we’re going to try and figure out what’s going on, okay?”

After a quick examination found that besides your neck, there was nothing physically wrong with you, Dr. Lim asked you what you last remembered. The nurse stayed by his side, listening as well.

“I... I don’t know.” You couldn’t even remember what you had done last night.

“Do you know what year it is?”

You shot a glance at Minseok, worried that your answer would be the wrong one. “2013?”

Minseok’s eyes grew larger, mouth falling open. You snuck a look at Jongdae, your husband, only to see him in a similar state.

“What?” you asked, growing angry. “What is it?”

“Y/N,” Dr. Lim began calmly. “The reason why you don’t remember some things is because you were in an accident. You were on a bus home when a truck collided with it. A lot of the other passengers were injured as well, but there were no casualties. I was hoping that your only injury would be the one to your neck, but patients in cases like yours have also been known to have significant brain trauma. I believe this is why you’re having difficulty remembering.” He took in a deep breath. “It’s 2019. Based on what I’ve seen here, you don’t have any recollection of what’s happened in the past six years.”

“Six years?” you repeated. “That can’t be possible. You’re saying that I’ve forgotten six years of my life? Forever?”

“It is possible, but there have also been patients have who have recovered their lost memories over time. I want to run some more tests though, before we start planning anything.”

You could only follow along, feeling hollow and alone even with the familiar presence of your stepbrother beside you. Six years just gone in the blink of an eye. You knew that you should feel distraught, be in grief at this news, but other than the lingering hysteria from waking up in an unknown place, you felt oddly numb. How could you miss something that you couldn’t even remember?

“Where’s Dad and Sojin?” you asked Minseok as Dr. Lim and the nurse left the room. If there was anyone else you could depend on besides Minseok, it was your dad and stepmother.

“They’ll be here tonight, they’re driving up from Daejeon.”

You frowned. “They don’t live in Seoul?”

“They moved down there last year, after mom retired. She wanted to be closer to grandma so that she could help take care of her.”

“Is she sick?”

Minseok coughed, looking away as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah. Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a couple of months ago.”

“Oh my god.” You reached out to him, a hand resting on Minseok’s shoulder. Despite him being your stepbrother, you had always felt as if you and Minseok shared the same blood. “I’m sorry, Min.”

“It’s fine, she’s still okay.” Minseok gave you a strained smile. “For now, you just need to focus on yourself.” He glanced over at Jongdae, who had been sitting quietly the entire time as the two of you talked. “Hey, come over here. She needs your help too.”

Jongdae got up hesitantly, eyes flitting to you and away every so often, as if he was scared of being caught staring at you for too long. “You really don’t remember anything about me?”

You tried to shake your head, but it was impossible to do so with the brace restricting your movements. “No,” you answered honestly. “We... have we been married for a long time?” The words came out stiffly as you still tried to reconcile that this stranger was your husband. Your eyes fell upon his ring again, and then the place where your own belonged in hopes of sparking something, anything to help your memories return.

“It’s been three years, since April. We dated for another two years before that.”

“Did we meet through Minseok?” you asked, wondering if he was one of the guys that Minseok played soccer with on the weekends. That is, if he still did that nowadays.

Jongdae shook his head with a tiny smile. “No. We met through Kyungsoo.”

“Kyungsoo?” Your eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Are you a chef too?” You had known Kyungsoo since your shared days in culinary school, both of you working hard to impress gastronomic geniuses in Seoul.

“I’m in graphic design. I knew Kyungsoo because he was a friend of Baekhyun’s. They were roommates, and they’d invite me over sometimes.”

At the mention of Baekhyun’s name, an image popped into your head. “I remember him,” you said with a gasp. “I mean, I only remember meeting him a couple of times, but he had pink hair. He burned one of Kyungsoo’s pans while trying to make eggs.” Your eyes lit up at this sudden recollection, relieved to have remembered something in the maze that was your memory.

“That sounds like him,” Minseok spoke up with a chuckle. “He even has pink hair again, surprisingly.”

“Is he still roommates with Kyungsoo?”

“Yep, and he still drives Soo crazy.”

Minseok continued to talk about what Baekhyun and Kyungsoo had been up to recently while you were lost in a stupor. You had managed to remember someone you had met maybe a handful of times at most, but you couldn’t remember your own husband? Granted, you had met Baekhyun a long time ago, almost as soon as you had gotten your first serious job as an assistant chef. God, had that really been six years ago?

A knock came at the door, and the nurse poked his head inside. “Are you ready for some more testing?”

No matter how many times they ran the tests and analyzed the results, the doctors couldn’t find anything unusual. Dr. Lim finally agreed to let you go home the next day after setting up an appointment for you with a therapist and prescribing some painkillers. Once your parents arrived in Seoul, they planned on staying for a bit to help out, renting a room in a hotel close by.

But where exactly was home for you?

It couldn’t be the small apartment of your fragmented memories, the one you vaguely remember living in by yourself. Of course your new home would be with Jongdae, but you couldn’t shake the feeling of discomfort at going home with a man you knew very little about, no matter how sweet he seemed. In the end, it was decided that you would stay at Minseok’s place until you got your footing and felt better.

Whenever that would be.

Jongdae watched from afar the next day as you walked arm in arm with your father. Your stepmother held onto your other hand, along with one of Minseok’s. You couldn’t even recognize Minseok’s car, stepping into the front seat carefully as if afraid of what lay inside.

Jongdae let out a long breath, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his coat. Once Minseok’s car left the parking lot, your parents’ car following after, Jongdae turned and headed in the opposite direction where his own car was parked, ready to return home.

But home wouldn’t be the same without you.

For the most part, the streets were the same, the road to Minseok’s apartment lined with businesses that had been around for a while. Even the walk up to his room gave you a weird sense of deja-vu, your eyes scanning your surroundings for anything out of place. Your life had basically turned into a never-ending “Spot the Differences” game, one that you were beginning to grow tired of.

As soon as you stepped into Minseok’s house, you felt oddly out of place. The place had changed entirely, the layout unfamiliar and daunting to navigate.

“I feel like I’m visiting a stranger,” you blurted out as you took off your shoes.

“Yeah, I’ve remodeled a bunch of times. But I mean, some things are the same,” Minseok said with a small shrug. He always had been obsessed with planning and home decorating, even before becoming an interior designer.

“Wait, do you still work for City Lights?” You still had lots of memories of visiting Minseok in his office, the entire place filled with metal accents and floor to wall windows.

“Yep! In fact, you’re looking at the head of the new Artium Hotel project,” he said with a smug smile.

“Woah, Artium as in the luxury department store?”

“The one and only.”

“Wow. I’m really happy for you, Minnie.” You came closer to give him a hug, the two of you still standing in the entryway.

“Thanks. Actually, you’ve already told me this,” he said with a sheepish laugh.

“Oh. Right,” you groaned. “God, this is gonna take a while to get used to.”

“I know.” Minseok sighed, a hand coming up to ruffle your hair. “I’m here for you whenever you need me. Mom and Dad too. And Jongdae,” he added as an afterthought. “Oh! He brought a bag of your things last night, after you fell asleep.”

“He did?” As Minseok went off in search of your bag, you thought back to last night in the hospital, not remembering much besides being extremely tired. Jongdae and Minseok had been there until you fell asleep, as well as your parents. When you had woken up, Jongdae was still there, a lukewarm cup of coffee in his hands. You had assumed that he had been by your side all night.

Minseok came out of his bedroom, a large duffel bag in his hand. “Do you remember this?”

You peered closer, wrinkles forming on your forehead as you ran a hand over the bag. “No. Why?”

Minseok’s face fell before he plastered a small smile back on. “You got it a couple of years ago, for your trip to Hawaii.”

“I’ve been to Hawaii? As in like, the Hawaii across the ocean?” you asked in disbelief.

“Is there any other one?” Minseok asked with a laugh.

You took the bag from his hand, still studying it in awe. “But I hate flying on airplanes.”

“Yeah, but Jongdae’s brother was getting married in Hawaii. Actually, your weddings were like half a year apart. It was a busy year for everyone,” Minseok joked.

“Jongdae has a brother?”

“Older brother,” Minseok corrected. “Jongdeok has a little daughter too, she was born this past December.”

“I’m an aunt?” you asked, voice raised. “Holy shit.” If you had already been married for a couple of years...

“Min, do I have kids?” you asked fearfully, legs trembling.

Your brother shook his head, oblivious to your troubles. “Nah, but Mom and Dad have been asking you guys when you’ll have kids.” He rolled his eyes. “Typical parents.”

“Oh my god.” Your breathing was uneven, hands shaking as the room seemed to spin around you.

“Y/N?” Minseok called out as you sat down on the floor. “What’s wrong?” he asked, holding you upright as you slouched against him.

“I’m fine, it’s just... I don’t know if I’m more relieved or sad that I don’t have kids,” you mumbled. “I mean, if I had woken up pregnant or with a kid in the room, I definitely would have freaked out. But at the same time... part of me wishes I did have one. Is that weird?”

Minseok sighed, his head leaning against the top of your own. “I think everything about this is gonna be pretty weird, at least for a while.”

“I hate feeling like this, like I don’t know anything. I feel horrible.”

“I’m sorry.” Minseok hugged you closer to himself, trapping you in a tight bear-hug. “Dr. Lim said you might get your memories back though, little by little. Maybe we just have to give it some time.”

You nodded in agreement, despite the gloominess still hovering over you.

“Come on, let’s get some dinner and I can fill you in on the past six years.”

Seeing Minseok’s attempt to cheer you up, you couldn’t do anything but try and follow along. He always had been more optimistic. “Okay,” you agreed.

While Minseok started looking through take-out places online, your mind wandered to more shadowy thoughts, the voice in the back of your head whispering in your ear.

What if you never got your memories back?

Minseok had always been a clean-freak. That’s why you were so confused to see him setting out the boxes of take-out Chinese food in the living room, rather than at the dining table. When you asked him about it, he had only shrugged in response. “There’s always days where we just need to just chill out and relax. Now more than ever, I guess.”

Both of you indulged in long, chewy noodles, as well as chicken drenched in sauce and comfortingly warm fried rice.

“It’s nice to know that even after six years, Little Sheep’s food is still amazing,” you said among bites of rice.

Minseok choked with laughter on his own mouthful of food, hand coming up to cover his mouth. “Out of all the things to be grateful for,” he chuckled.

“It’s the little things that count,” you replied with a smile.

In between bites, Minseok would talk about things that had happened since you last remembered. Nothing seemed to take you off guard like finding out you had a husband, until Minseok told you that you were currently a sous chef at an up-and-coming restaurant called April & Flower.

“Me?” You only knew what it was like to be the line cook in the kitchen, specializing in meats and seafood. “When did this happen?”

“Mm... two years ago? Kyungsoo got hired there too around the same time as you.”

“Wow.” Although you and Kyungsoo had attended culinary school together, the two of you had gone in different directions afterwards, Kyungsoo working in a fusion restaurant while you worked at a steakhouse. But that didn’t have any strain on your friendship. Both of you would find time to meet up and talk about everything you had learned from your respective coworkers, gushing over new dishes you had tried out. To hear that you were a sous chef now, it was like waking up and hearing that you had won the lottery. “Do I like working there?” you asked Minseok.

“You never stop talking about it. Hey!” he exclaimed, bursting into laughter as you bumped his elbow playfully.

“Don’t be mean,” you pouted. “I was probably super happy while working there.” A second passed, and then, “Where does Jongdae work?”

“He does graphic design for Lotte Studios. A lot of it’s for advertising, but he likes it. He’s good at what he does, and not just the art aspect of it, but also coming up with different concepts to fit what people are asking for. And of course, since he’s Jongdae, his coworkers love him.”

“Why does it sound like you’re playing matchmaker?”

“I mean, I sort of am?” Minseok smiled sheepishly. “Jongdae’s your husband, but he’s one of my best friends too. I want you to feel comfortable around him.”

“I know. It’s just... I need time. I don’t even remember meeting him, let alone knowing him before we were married. It still feels weird to even say that.”

A heavy silence fell over both of you, and then Minseok spoke up, his voice hushed out of concern. “When do you start seeing your therapist?”

“On Thursday.” With help from the hospital staff, you had been given a list of therapists that were within close distance of not only Minseok’s apartment, but also Jongdae’s house. Well, it was technically also your house. Dr. Lim had suggested that this would be easier, especially since living arrangements were tentative. You had chosen Dr. Amelie Suh, a family psychologist with decades of experience who also just happened to have her office fifteen minutes away from Minseok’s place. Your first appointment would only be in a couple of days, and you were already anxious just thinking about it.

Jongdae would be having sessions with her too, although his would be separate from yours. As a family specialist, Dr. Suh had wanted to meet with both of you, seeing how unique your case was.

“Are you nervous?”

“Of course I am.” The wooden chopsticks in your hand skated across the surface of your plate, drawing circles in their path. “I don’t know what to expect. I’ve never even been to a therapist before. Wait, have I?” you asked, looking over to Minseok for confirmation.

“Not that I know of.” He shrugged. “Will you be okay? I’m sorry I have work that day,” he apologized with a tiny pout.

“I’ll be fine. Dad and Sojin are coming to pick me up. They wanted to go out to eat together afterwards.”

A wistful smile came onto Minseok’s face. “I’m glad you’re hanging out with them. They don’t come up here that often, and you’ve always been busy with work. Oh, and don’t worry about work for a while. They know all about the accident.”

You groaned, setting your plate down on the table with a clatter. “I haven’t even been to work yet and I’ve made a bad impression.”

Minseok snorted. “As if. Your co-workers adore you, Y/N. And your boss is understanding enough to know that you need this time off. Plus, Jongdae was the one who called them when you were in the hospital and told them about what happened — and everyone there loves Jongdae.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He would drop you off at work and hang around to talk to people for a bit before heading off to the office. He’s lucky April & Flower isn’t some super fancy restaurant, otherwise he’d get his ass kicked out, no matter how much of a sweet talker he is.”

The more you heard about your husband, the more intrigued you became. From what you had gathered, he was creative, kind, friendly. Honestly, he sounded too good to be true.

“Hey, you okay?” Minseok’s voice brought you back to the present.

“Yeah, just a little tired. My neck’s starting to bother me a little, too.”

“Do you want your medicine?” Minseok was already jumping up, looking for the painkillers that Dr. Lim had advised you to take.

“I’ll take them after I shower. I might just head to bed early.”

Luckily, you still knew enough of the layout to find your way to the guest bedroom and the restroom while Minseok cleared away the leftover food.

That night as you changed into your pajamas, courtesy of Jongdae and your duffel bag, you brought the T-shirt to your nose and breathed in deeply. It didn’t smell like the detergent that you remembered using, but you could detect the faint scent of lavender. Despite this difference, the fragrance still managed to calm you, even as you slipped into bed and quickly fell into a deep sleep.

Across town, Jongdae leaned over in the bed that he shared with you. He blew out the remnants of the small, purple candle resting on the nightstand before laying down, breathing in the lingering scent of lavender in the air.

Sleeping in a bed made for two had made Jongdae lonely, but he knew that he was still unfamiliar to you. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel uncomfortable. Sighing, Jongdae rolled over, cheek pressed against the pillow as he waited for sleep to come to him.

The lobby was empty, save for another family speaking to each other in hushed whispers across the room. Your father leaned over, his hand on your arm. “What’s wrong?”

Shaking your head, you took a deep breath, aware that your hands were trembling against the armrests. “Nothing, just nervous.”

From your other side, your stepmother brushed back some baby hairs from your forehead. “We’ll be out here if you need us.” She met your worried glance, her gaze strong and unwavering.

The door opened, and a tall woman peered out from the doorway, calling out your name.

Your parents let you go with a couple more words of encouragement, all of them falling on deaf ears as you focused only on getting inside the office without feeling sick.

Dr. Suh shook your hand at the door with a soft smile, offering you a seat and a glass of water. To your surprise, she didn’t jump in right away, giving you time to try and calm yourself down as you sipped at your water.

“Is this your first session?” she finally spoke up, voice calm and flowing like a lazy river on a summer day.

You nodded, giving a small cough as you cleared your throat.

“Were those your parents in the lobby?” she asked.

“Yeah, my dad and Sojin.”

Dr. Suh looked confused at the mention of your stepmother by her first name, and you hurried to clarify. “Sojin’s my stepmom. I’ve always called her by her first name.”

“Ah. Are you and your stepmother close?”

“Yeah. She and my dad got married when I was in middle school, so we all lived together for a while. It was pretty awkward at first, especially because...” You paused, still not entirely comfortable with spilling all of your inner thoughts to someone you had just met.

“Because?” Dr. Suh prompted gently.

“I was scared that she would try to replace my mom. I mean, my mom had already passed away a few years before, and even though I liked Sojin, I felt like it would be unfair to my mom if I just let her in right away.”

“I see. But it doesn’t seem like that bothers you anymore.”

“I’m glad to have her in my life,” you agreed.

“And how are you feeling today?” Dr. Suh shifted in her seat, one leg crossing over the other.

“I’m... okay. Everything still feels so weird to me, I don’t know what to expect, what’s true anymore. I’m overwhelmed,” you admitted.

Dr. Suh thought for a moment, her fingers tapping against her knee. “What worries you the most?”

Your face colored a light pink, heat rushing down your neck as you looked away. “I guess Jongdae.”

“Your husband?”

“Yeah.”

“I noticed that you don’t wear your wedding ring.” Dr. Suh nodded towards your bare hand where it rested on your lap.

“Oh.” Your eyes followed her gaze. “When I woke up in the hospital, I didn’t have it on. Hospital policy, and all. They gave it back to me when I checked out, but I’ve just left it in the little plastic bag that they gave me. I don’t know what to do with it. I tried to put it on once, but I didn’t even end up getting the ring out. To be honest, I’m scared to put it on.”

“Are you scared because you don’t remember him?”

“I’m scared, but I’m also frustrated. I mean, he’s my husband, you know? You’d think that even after something like this, the one thing I’d manage to remember would be my husband. I don’t even remember meeting him. All I know about him is what I’ve heard from my brother and my parents.”

“Maybe it’s time to change that.”

Upon seeing your confused expression, Dr. Suh laughed softly. “Maybe instead of talking to your family, you should talk to Jongdae as well. After all, he’s the one you’ve been living with for the majority of your missing years.”

“I,” you hesitated. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know how. Every time I’m around him, I’m afraid I’ll say something wrong.”

“Like what?”

“Like... I don’t know, something to remind him that I don’t even know him anymore. That his wife knows the bare minimum about him.”

”You don’t have to jump right back into being ‘Jongdae’s wife’. What’s more important you finding out who you are first. You are your own person before you’re anyone else’s. Take things slowly with him, there’s no need to rush. He cares about you enough to stick around for the entire ride.”

You closed your eyes, letting out a tired exhale. “I know. I’ll think about it.”

Dr. Suh nodded in agreement. “That’s all I ask.”

Your parents stood up as soon as they saw you, unspoken questions in their eyes.

“Are you guys ready to go eat?” you asked, a tired smile on your lips.

“Yes, but are you okay? How did it go?” Sojin asked, an arm wrapping around your side.

“It went well. I’m just hungry.”

Your parents exchanged a look, but said nothing more. You were extremely grateful for this, along with the small talk that they kept up during your meal out. The last thing you wanted to do was start crying in public while talking about your therapy session.

You were steadily losing your appetite, thoughts of Dr. Suh’s suggestion taking up the forefront of your mind. Admittedly, she was right. There really was no one more well-fit to fill you in on your missing memories than your husband.

You pushed your chair back, both of your parents looking to you immediately. “I’m just going to run to the restroom,” you explained.

With brisk, light steps, you made your way throughout the restaurant, stopping once you were in the hallway leading to the restrooms. You pulled your phone out from your pocket, still not used to the sleek surface of your upgraded phone. Your old phone had been broken in the accident, but Minseok had made sure to get you a new one so that you had some means of communication. So far, you only had a few phone numbers saved — including Jongdae’s.

Your thumb hovered over his name on the screen before pressing down, the dial tone immediately ringing. As you brought the phone to your ear, you began to have second thoughts. What if he was busy right now? What if he didn’t want to talk?

“Y/N?” Jongdae’s voice rang out loud and clear. “Are you okay?”

You swallowed down the lump in your throat. “Yeah. Sorry, I just... I just had my first session.”

Jongdae didn’t even have to ask to know what you were talking about. “How was it? If you don’t mind me asking,” he added quickly, apologetically.

“It was good. I’m still not used to it, but I feel okay. Are you at work right now?”

“Yeah, but I’m on my lunch break. Do you need a ride?”

You shook your head before remembering that Jongdae couldn’t see it. “No, my parents are here with me. Actually,” you took in a shaky breath. “I was wondering if you wanted to come over tomorrow night for dinner. Just so we can talk.”

“Talk?”

“Get to know each other,” you elaborated. “Or really, for me to get to know you again, I guess,” you laughed timidly.

A pregnant pause fell over the line, and then you heard Jongdae clearing his throat. “Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll be there. What time?”

“Is 7 okay?”

“7 is great.” Jongdae hesitated, then added, “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Okay. Bye, Jongdae.”

“Bye.”

Your hand fell back against your side, the phone screen alight as it showed that the call had been ended. That hadn’t been too bad, right? You laughed in disbelief, not only at your courage, but also at the fact that all of this was actually happening.

But most of all, you were relieved that Jongdae had agreed to come over.

Series masterlist: ( 1 ) ( 2 ) ( 3 ) ( Final )

A/N: Like most of my other fics on here, this is an idea I’ve had for a long, long time. I didn’t actually start working on this until after Jongdae’s album came out, and I listened to it for most of the writing/drafting process. I hope you guys enjoy it! (Did you spot the subtle references to other EXO related things??)

#jongdae scenario #jongdae fanfic #exo scenario #exo fanfic #chen scenario #chen fanfic #writings

107 notes · View notes

ladyofpurple · 4 years

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here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

#the tmi nobody asked for and will probably never read — you're welcome #Lady of Purple's slice of life #mental illness #medication #adhd #autism #personal

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lunarwolf95 · 4 years

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I just need to get my thoughts out

It’s gonna be a long post...

So, almost two years ago, my parents and I moved from the state that we lived in for, pretty much our whole lives, to a new state. The reason was, to get my mom better care and to be closer to the hospital where she will have her heart transplant. Leaving my elderly grandparents and all of our friends behind. The move wasn’t easy, and the two years that have followed have been worse.

The first year, my mom was still healthy enough to live in the apartment with me and my dad. During which I struggled to find a job, after leaving the job I previously had for five years. On top of that, my elderly cat, that we had had since I was five years old, passed away.

While living here, I have struggled to make friends as well and have honestly been extremely unhappy.

Early spring last year, my dad was diagnosed with diverticulitis and eventually had to have surgery and then had to have surgery again a few months later. During which, my mom’s health was getting worse, and she ended up moving into the hospital in the summer.

Adjusting to not having my mom around all the time was hard. My dad has clinical depression and I’m an only child with ADHD and an anxiety disorder. It hasn’t been great to say the least. My fiance comes out as often as he can and helps, but he lives four hours away so it’s difficult for him too( not to mention that his parents also have medical issues).

So. Mid December, I go out and visit with my fiance and his family, taking a week from work( I had a week of vacation from work) It was fun and nice to escape the stress at home.

on the way back, my mom lets me know my grandpa is in the hospital. He had, basically a heart attack. Obviously I was really worried, and the next day my mom told me he needed a pacemaker and that someone needed to go out there and help him after his surgery. She tried getting the help of some family in New York but the wouldn’t help at all. So me and my fiance had to go.

Now up until this point I had only called off work if I was extremely sick, or if the weather was so bad I couldn’t leave the house. Needless to say. They were not happy, but I had to go. My grandpa is 89 and his wife is 92.

So we went. We arrived on Christmas Eve and stayed in a family friend’s basement for the whole time. We ended up being there for 2 weeks. Both of us being away from our parents on Christmas for the first time in our lives. During this time we missed one of my fiance’s friend’s funeral, a concert that was pretty important to both of us and I missed my work’s big semi-annual sale.

My grandpa recovered really well thankfully, so we went back home. Ever since I got back my work has been treating me pretty poorly, and the environment has become a lot more negative. On top of that after a week of being back. My dad got the stomach bug, then I got it, and my fiance got it. I had to go to the ER it was so bad, so I again had to miss work. and my fiance had to stay in a hotel when he went back home because his mom has a weakened immune system and his dad was having surgery.

While that was happening my mom was having heart issues as well, and she’ll probably be getting a transplant very soon.

Once I got back to work, I had my one year review and up until this point I had only been told I was doing great, my assistant manager even told me they had put my name in for employee of the month. I was expecting criticism for missing so much work, though it was really out of my control, but not a bad review. It went terrible, to the point where I started crying in front of my manager. I was told I wasn’t doing my job correctly and how I wasn’t meeting expectations.She suggested that I switch departments because they needed someone dependable. It was awful.

Yesterday I went in already pretty anxious about my terrible review, and spend most of the first half of my shift trying to make up for my bad review by working harder. Then on my lunch I found out that my 92 year old grandma was found naked and confused by my grandpa, and he called an ambulance and she’s now in the hospital... I pretty much had a panic attack at work and could barely function,thankfully it was a slow day so no one noticed how bad I was.

I’m just kind of at my limit. It feels like my life is like a bad comedy skit, where things just keep getting worse.

TL;DR: My life is full of really stressful stuff and it shows no sign of stopping.

Please pray for me if you can.

#vent #pray #catholic #christian

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worshipthislovee · 6 years

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so my new necklace finally came today (I'm OBSESSED 😍), and of course I had to personalize it with one of my favorite song titles: “Long Live”- two simple words that aren't significant to some people. for me though, it has a whole different meaning. it's a song that Taylor wrote just for US, and it is a huge part of who I am.

I've been debating on posting this for awhile, since what I'm about to say is very personal, but after seeing so many other people do it, I'm now feeling confident enough to share my story, soooo… here goes nothing.

my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. that was in 2006, when I heard Taylor's music for the first time. obviously Long Live was nonexistent at that time, and I was too young to understand the situation, but today, now that I'm older, I listen to it to help me cope with the divorce. the first time I saw Taylor was on the Speak Now Tour in 2011, and hearing her sing Long Live at the show was magical. I had loved the song since it came out, but at the time I had no clue how much it would mean to me later on in my life, since I was only 9 when I heard it. now flash forward to early 2014. my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and I immediately turned to Taylor's music for comfort. later on that same year, while my grandma was still in treatment, cancer got a hold of my mom as well. that was a lot for me to take in at just 13 years old. I was living one of my worst nightmares, and I felt like my life was falling apart. during that year especially, I sought comfort in Taylor's music. Long Live was beginning to have a new meaning. I listened to it almost everyday, hoping that soon this monster of a disease would stop taking over my family and my life. thankfully, the battle was short, and both my mom and grandma were declared cancer free in October of 2014, within a few days of 1989 coming out. so for me, the new album was like a gift from Taylor, a simple “congratulations, you got through this. you can do anything.” right then and there, I felt like Taylor somehow knew, and was watching over me, and I felt safe. then 2015 came along, and right when I thought life couldn't possibly get worse, my aunt passed away suddenly. luckily I had Taylor. her music was the only thing that could put a smile on my face. 3 months later I was lucky enough to get last minute tickets to the 1989 tour, and seeing her live after the worst year of my life was such a blessing. after that, everything started to look up for awhile.. that was until December of 2016 when my step grandma passed away 2 days before Christmas. her and I were always very close, so her death was hard to deal with. as usual, Taylor came to the rescue, and at that point Long Live was my go to song whenever I needed a pick me up. sophomore year ended and I for sure thought that all the hard times were over after struggling through those past 2 years of high school. life started taking a turn for the better, and junior year was by far the best one yet. Reputation came out and I got tickets to see Taylor in Cleveland on tour. hearing Long Live this time around was different, seeing that a lot changed since I heard it before (needless to say that during the performance I couldn't keep it together at all). it meant so much to me that she played it again, since I'm able to fully comprehend its meaning now, especially after all I went through. now a month ago, I would've thought that this was the end of my story, but once again, that song came back to save me very recently. my step dad suddenly passed away just over a week ago. I've been listening to Long Live every day to help me stay strong. today, the song has a whole new significance for me. it's a reminder that Taylor and I got through all these battles together, and wearing this necklace every day will emphasize her presence wherever I go.

now Taylor, on the slight chance that you're reading this, thank you for saving me during my weakest moments, and for letting me shine in my strongest. as I sit here now, ready to tackle my senior year of high school and apply for college, I look back on how far I've come in the past 17 years. I am a stronger individual because of you and your music. you are the reason I still have hope after all that has happened throughout my life, and you make me feel invincible, like I can do anything I set my mind to. so thank you for staying with me the past 12 years, I love you more than you'll ever know.

“long live all the mountains we moved. I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.”️

sending you the biggest hug in the world ❤️❤️

love, Taylor

@taylorswift @taylornation

#taylor swift #taylornation #taylurking

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ceruleanwhore · 3 years

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✨ Describe yourself in 3 characters ✨

I was tagged by @heavensweetheart

1. Zuko- AtLA

For one thing, he’s what’s given me a lot of hope for my own anger issues and my ability to eventually fix them. Other than that, it’s definitely the combination of daddy issues, getting the aforementioned anger issues from my dad, going on a journey to try and resolve them (I did an adventure therapy type program last year), and, my mom didn’t leave, but she has her own trauma to deal with so she doesn’t tend to step in and help but, rather, like my brother, goes and hides. Also like Zuko, I tend to hyperfixate on things that upset me and, in doing so, make myself more upset and continue to yell rather than calming down. Also like him, there’s a family history I’m trying to escape because my grandma on my grandma on my dad’s side had undiagnosed paranoid personality disorder and was genuinely violent and scary and then her dad was an actual murderer, which wasn’t really a surprise since my grandma grew up in a household where her family would literally shoot at each other in the house (it was serious poverty and they were in Arkansas). My mom’s side is full of shit too, though.

2. Remus- Harry Potter

I know Rowling said that lycanthropy was a metaphor for AIDS but that’s terrible and what I see it as actually a good metaphor for is anger issues. Everything about the Shrieking Shack and Hogwarts and him having to resign from teaching because of his lycanthropy is exactly what I’ve been dealing with ever since I went to college. Living on campus is a nightmare because everyone panics when someone’s angry and they can hear it but no one gives a fuck when people are being equally loud in other ways. I actually suggested they build me a little shed to live in or let me live in the old astronomy tower that they had used as housing at one point by myself and call it the Shrieking Shack so I can be on my own and people don’t have to hear me (this got turned down). All along, I’ve been terrified that I’m going to get kicked out because of my anger issues and, every time someone calls Public Safety on me and I get brought to whichever office to talk to someone, I’ve said that and, over and over again, they’ve reassured me that that’s not an issue but, then, right at the beginning of finals week about a year and a half ago, res life said they’d kick me out of student housing if it happened again. As a result, I had to take a year of medical leave and go do that program until I was informed that this threat was a result of no one fucking communicating between offices and that, no, they won’t actually kick me out. Thanks to that, plus my experiences in program, I now have trust issues.

3. Ford- Gravity Falls

Neurodivergence, for one. I got diagnosed with Aspergers back in seventh grade and am positive that’s what’s going on with him (Is it canon? It might actually be.) Executive functioning issues are also part of that and we do see that with him as well. Also, obsessing over the things I’m interested and perhaps trusting my intelligence too much, like how, now, I’m trying to reteach myself Russian before I start the class on Friday. Oh, and stubbornness, for sure.

Then, to continue with the theme I’ve got going on, there’s how he’s been viewed as a freak and how that has led to him viewing himself that way because, while he has six fingers on each hand and is a nerd, I’ve got my mental health issues that have been provoked and used as a source of entertainment. There’s also the part of letting that stuff define me, as is evident in this post with how every example I have ties back into my mental health issues and, more specifically, the anger aspect, and how that has shaped my life. Ford ended up going to Gravity Falls because of how he felt like a freak and he let Bill live rent free in his head because he appealed to the complex Ford had developed around that trait. In my case, I chose the college I attend because it’s close enough to home that I can keep seeing my therapist and because I felt like they had a pretty good setup with mental health supports and I was right about that- in spite of the res life fiasco, they’ve gone above and beyond to try and help me. There’s also everything I’ve done for my mental health because therapy, the camp I used to go to for aspie kids, and the program I attended last year have all helped shape who I am now and are the only reason why I was ever able to attend college in the first place and why, now, I’m able to return to it.

Not tagging anyone but feel free to do this if you want

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epilepticcunt · 3 years

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Making an appointment with Dr. Bowers, the psychological and behavioral psychologist I used to see from the beginning of 7th grade to the end of 10th grade. She diagnosed me with BPD in front of my dad and Gwyn. Within the continuum of Ryan and I’s relationship I got kicked out of my mom and Mike’s house due to my loyalty and unwillingness to break up with him for them. I was sixteen at the time. I am now twenty four. My ex told me in a fit of anger how much of a cunt I was for perpetuating a BPD relationship cycle. Maybe he’s right. The least I can do is clean my side of the street for my future self.

Still doesn’t change the fact that he stole a shit load of my clothes, my butt plug he bought me for Christmas 2 years ago (like four times, we only used it together once when he first gave it to me but every time we broke up he would jack it from me...) My first bottle of lube we got as a couple is gone, lingerie missing, makeup missing, he got caught on Tinder 3 times, he ruined a friendship I have had for over a decade. I caught him with a girl a few years back a prior time that we had dated and he chose her over me -- and he went to talk shit to her when we broke up. He didn’t get a job in three years but watched me have mental breakdowns over worrying about not being able to pay the bills, not having sex with me for literally 3 months at a time, telling me he was a-sexual to get out of fucking me, pretending to not hear me cry myself to sleep because he didn’t want me for such a prolonged period of time, promising to communicate but ghosting me for a week, shattering my Nintendo Switch, refusing to touch my pussy unless I complained enough for him to finger me for five mins or less. I have literally dated this person for 13 years on and off and I can still count on one hand how many times he has eaten me out. He would make stupid promises to go to bed at the same time as me, or wake up the same time as I do. They would mean a lot to me in the beginning. I soon realized he was full of shit. Just like when he said he would meet me at my house on my lunch breaks from work. He would always fall through and flake out. I was pushed to my breaking point. YES I loved him, but at what cost? I was depressed as fuck, exhausted trying to explain he needed to grow up and get a fucking job and help me with the bills so I could chill for a second when I get off work. Instead, I would leave for work with him sleeping instead of being awake like he promised. get home from work to him sleeping on my lunch most days. If he wasn’t sleeping he was un-showered and playing video games. I’d leave to go back to work, come back home at five PM and he would be sleeping. Two of my grandparents have gone into Hospice and passed away in the last two years. He knew they were going downhill and knew they weren’t all too present in my life, so it did mean a lot to me. I wanted to be there for them and be there for anything I missed out on before. I visited my grandpa Dick and my grandma Phyllis frequently leading up to their deaths. HE MISSED BOTH OF THEM BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING OVERWATCH. IGNORED MY MESSAGES FOR FIVE HOURS while I bagged my own grandma with the funeral home. I hate to rate my grandparents like this, but my grandpa really meant a lot to me due to the fact that he was not there a lot of my life. He would show up and give me $50 and feel like that made up for it. It didn’t, I just wanted to spend time with him. I finally got to spend that time with him at the end of his life. and he died. and Ryan fucking missed his death. of course. Because I don’t mean shit and I never meant shit. I specifically remember Valentine’s day 2019 I woke up and he refused to get up with me. Had to go to work so I got ready, left, came and home for lunch. He was sleeping so I said fuck it and didn’t wake him up. I cried on my lunch while he slept on the couch. Came home after work and he was still sleeping on the couch. I tried to wake him up a couple times. He slept all night. I cried.

So I was very angry for the majority of the relationship. I said a lot of things I regret saying. I felt as though he didn’t care either way. He wasn’t giving me any attention at all and even if I freaked out he still didn’t provide any attention after a while. Moral of the story - don’t point out anyone’s personality disorders if you are the one perpetuating them. OF COURSE I have abandonment issues that stem from my father. YOU KNEW THAT - you shouldn’t throw that shit in someone’s face if you were privileged enough to have your father present during your childhood. Fuck you for throwing that in my face. OF COURSE I have problems from that. My own mother told me he chose drugs over my sister and I. I thought my dad was Ken while I was growing up, not James because HE WAS NEVER FUCKING THERE! But you fed into my fear of abandonment anyway just to see what would happen. This. This is what would happen. Are you happy now? My mind can’t stop racing about every misdeed I’ve made in the last 24 years.

I know you think I am the worst person ever Ryan, but you ripped me into pieces. I don’t wish you any ill will either. I just hope you find someone “who can put up with your shit.”

I’m going to get help for my problem. What about you?

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yeeqing1203 · 4 years

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Retyped all the short story included the handwriting letter content（completed）

The topic i choose is no.8 Religious book. This religious book is about sui sui ping an ,encourage people to cherish the moment with family.

1. This story begins with a family living happily ever after.One day when brother was eating, he accidently dropped a bowl and it fell and broke, and mother told him it was all right, sui sui ping an. But one day, father was in a car accident , my mother rushed to the hospital where he was in a coma, leaving 15-year-old sister and 5-year-old brother at home. Sister and brother burst into tears when they heard about Dad's accident, and he broke all the dishes in the house no matter what Sister tried to stop him, but he kept on breaking dishes. When Mom came home and saw all the dishes broken, she was even more furious. Mom was already worried about father's accident, but when she came home and saw this, she was devastated, and she cried and scolded him for doing that, and brother cried and said, "I just want my father to be safe." You said it sui sui ping an before and when I break all the dishes, Dad will come back and be safe. However, the dishes fell and Dad didn't come back.

2. I hate my dad. He's always leaving early and staying late, and sometimes he doesn't even come home, my mom was very worries about him. Every time he comes home he gets a few more scars on his body. I don't like that about my dad. Other people's dads play with them, but I don't even have time to eat with my dad. Until one time when there was a big earthquake and I was trapped in my room, the door was pinned against a pillar and I couldn't get out, the only way out was through the window. I found out later that my dad was a fireman, a great fireman, and that his job meant that he couldn't be home with me much because he was always on call, and that he had the scars from when he saved people's lives, and my dad told me that was proof of his bravery, that my dad was a brave hero.

3.Grandma was diagnosed with heart disease, but she didn't tell her granddaughter for fear of worrying her, but she felt that Grandma was annoying and nagging, and was always controlling and trying to restrain her, and she had a big argument with Grandma. At night, when she was sleeping, she heard the sound of glass breaking then she ran to the kitchen,she saw a broken cup and her grandmother on the floor. She quickly send her grandmother to the hospital. The doctor told her that Grandmother was having a heart attack and that her life might be in danger, and told her to be prepared for her grandmother's death. At that moment, she suddenly realized how important Grandma was to her and that she was the only family she had left, but she didn't even know she had a heart attack. All she wanted now was for her grandmother to get better, but God had taken her life away. Grandmother said broken is safe, the cup has broken but Grandma is no longer with her.When granddaughter went home, she saw the note that grandmother had left for her on the table and she cried.

NOTES CONTENT : 'Granddaughter, don't be angry. Granny is worried about you. If you're annoyed with Granny, Granny will say less next time, okay.

Unfortunately there is no next time.

4. The son was busy with work and sent his father to a nursing home. The son bought a mobile phone for the father to call him whenever he missed him. But the son got busier and busier and the son didn't pick up the call from the father. Since the father couldn't contact the son, he left the nursing home in secret to look for his son. But the father had already forgotten the address of his son's company, but the father held the address of his son's company in his hand and asked passers-by, but since he was an old man with dementia, passers-by disliked him and no one want to tell him where to go. As the father was crossing the road, because he didn't see the traffic light, a car rushed by and hit him. Before father died, he still held his son's company address，a letter ，the broken phone in his hand.(电话screen碎了）

LETTER CONTENT : "Son, I miss you so much"

The letter was full of "Son, I miss you so much" and the father, who is mentally retarded, can't read or write... and his handwriting is very sloppy. Because of his son, he learned to write in a nursing home. In his whole life, he only knew seven words, his son's name and “I miss you so much”.

5. Fei is a responsible delivery boy. One day, when Fei was delivering food on his bike, a child suddenly ran off the road. 'peng' Fei crashed into the car himself to avoid the kid. The child is safe and Fei is only slightly injured. But Fei's job is gone because of the accident. Fei saved the kid in the accident but broke his own job(饭碗摔碎了 fan wan shuai sui le）. But then he got a letter from the kid

LETTER CONTENT : 'Uncle, I'm sorry that caused you to have an accident. The key ring that my father gave me accidentally fell off when I was crossing the road , my father pass away fews month ago, and the key ring is the only things that my father bought for me, that's why I rushed out to the road to pick it up, but I didn't notice the traffic light. Thank you for saving me. Without me, mom would have been all alone. Thank you, uncle.'

6. Tian Tian and his grandmother had lived together since Tian Tian was young, but Grandmother died of illness, leaving him only a dilapidated house and his grandmother's favorite potted plants. Grandma planted the potted plants on the top floor so that they could get enough sunlight. Tian Tian also took care of his grandmother's favorite potted plant after she passed away, and it was like a substitute for her, staying with him for a long time. However, one day, a heavy wind and rain suddenly fell in the sky, and Tian Tian remembered the plant are still on the top floor. Tiantian immediately ran to the top floor and tried to move the plant to a safe place. But the wind was so strong that it blew the potted plant over the railing and Tian Tian was so anxious to save the plant，he climbed over the railing to pick up the fallen plant. Tian Tian tried to climb back over the railing, but the wind was too strong and his center of gravity was unsteady （重心不稳 zhong xin bu wen ） , and the pot fell from the top floor. The flowerpot broke but Tian Tian met his grandmother.

7. The magical old man sells the watch to a boy. He tells the boy that the watch can let him back to the past and fix all the regrets of the past, and then the old man disappears. The boy is half convinced, but he wears the watch anyway. But if the watch can really go back in time, he wants to go back to before his fight with the girl. Two years ago, he and the girl had a fight and left her alone, with the girl following the boy. The boy, in a fit of pique, ran across the street with five seconds left at a traffic light, thinking the girl wouldn't follow him. But the next thing he knows, she's too late and hit by a car. The boy saw the girl get hit by a car right in front of him and regretted it. 'Why did he have to be so childish?' 'Why was he so headstrong?' 'Wait for her maybe she would have been fine, she wouldn't have died' He thought it was because of him that the girl died, and he very regretful and guilty. Just then he instantly went back to before the fight with the girl, this time he didn't fight with the girl but she still got hit by a car. He kept going back to the girl's accident, and as soon as he did that, the watch would go back to the past again. He keeps going back to the past to try to save the girl, but every time he goes back to the past, even if he doesn't argue, the girl gets hit by a car and dies. Then the old man appeared and told him, 'A watch can only make up for your regrets, it can't change the past' and then the oldman disappeared again. The boy went back to the past again, this time the boy still did not fight with the girl, but he hugged her tightly and said sorry, this time the girl gave the boy the letter in his hand. After that, the boy returned to the original world, the watch broke, although the girl was still not safe, but the boy had no regrets after he read the letter.

LETTER CONTENT : Hi, my love i met the magical old man and he told me everything.Don’t try to save me,I no longer exist on Earth. I don't blame you for the car accident, I didn't look at the traffic light. You don't need to feel sorry for yourself or blame yourself. I should be thanking you properly for being there for me all these years because of you I've had a great time. When you have a stomach ache, remember to eat on time, and when you can't sleep, remember to turn on the aromatherapy and set your alarm before bed.I'm not by your side anymore, no one will remember for you, in the end, please forget me, live your life, and in the future, get married and have children with someone who loves you. We're not destined for each other in this life. It doesn't matter. I'll see you in the next life.

8. Junichi had a younger sister who was 10 years younger than him. Their parents divorced because of debts, and their mother died after giving birth to the younger sister. The two siblings grew up in an orphanage. Junichi had a heart condition since he was a child. He had many operations and needed a heart transplant so he could live. Junichi was a very sensible brother who didn't want his sister to worry, so he told her, "My heart is made of glass, and I have to take a lot of medicine to keep it from breaking. What she didn't know was that his glass heart could only last for 3 years and had to be replaced every 3 years. The heart that brother is using now has a few months to go before it reaches three years. If the glass heart breaks, it means that brother will not live. Junichi heart has a few months to go before it reaches three years, but the hospital has yet to find a heart donor and he can only take medicine. Once the three years are up, Junichi glass heart will shatter. He took his sister to an theme park while he still had a few months left, and even though he couldn't do the thrilling things himself, he went with his younger sister because he knew he might not have the chance to play with her again after fews month ago. Junichi told her that he was going to the moon to be with his mother and might not come back because his mother was so lonely all alone there. The younger sister thought about it and also felt that mom was very lonely by herself at least she still had friends from the orphanage to accompany her and told brother to go to stay with mom early. A few months later,Junichi glass heart shattered and he passed away, but to his younger sister, his brother only went to the moon to be with mom. A few years later, the younger sister grew up and was adopted home by a couple. After leaving the orphanage, Junichi younger sister also received a letter from the head of the orphanage, and when she opened it, she saw Junichi's handwriting.

LETTER CONTENT : 'My dear sister, have you grown up well? I will tell you a secret now, actually I did not go to the moon but I went to a place more beautiful than the moon, HEAVEN. My glass heart was broken when you were a child, and the hospital couldn't find a heart to fit me, so I was forced to go to heaven and couldn't stay on Earth to grow up with you. You're a beautiful girl, and you'll be adopted by a happy family, and then they'll be your parents, so listen to them well, eat your meals on time, study hard, and come to the big city to work and repay your adoptive parents. I almost forgot, you may have a boyfriend in the future, but my brother may not be able to help you verify it, so listen up, your boyfriend must be educated and tall, and preferably know a little bit kung fu, otherwise how can he protect you and most importantly, he must love you very, very much, and love you more than I do. Lastly, if you feel unhappy one day and can't find anyone to talk to, it's okay, you can just say it to the sky, I'll hear it at any time, although you may not hear my response, but you must remember that i will always be there for you.

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