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polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup · 4 months

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what would megumi’s life have been if he was actually raised by the zenin from day one? like either gojo lost the custody battle or they were able to scoop him up before gojo ever reached them. i doubt they would want to keep tsumiki with them so she’s not there for little baby megs.

i think it would be really cool to see a zenin raised megumi interacting with his fellow classmates when he attends the school, not to mention the contrast between him and gojo. like on paper they both should have gotten the same treatment-being pampered and spoiled rotten but we also know that the zenin think that hurting little kids makes them stronger so it would be super interesting to see megumi realise that the stuff that happened to him wasn’t normal and for gojo to have a guilt trip bc he wasn’t able to help megumi when he needed someone to help him the most.

So I have a fanfic that I’ve half written (no idea if I’ll ever finish it—I’d love to, it’s just hard to find the time) about EXACTLY THAT that I talked about in this post for an ask game.

That being said, that entire thing happens from Tsumiki’s perspective, and I agree with you—I don’t think the Zenin would have ever actually taken her too. They don’t want her. She’s not Zenin. She’s not a sorcerer. They only bought Megumi. For the most part, Megumi is absent from that post, and you asked about Megumi. So this is what I think would happen on Megumi's side of that post I linked.

It comes down to two things:

1. He is never, ever happy with the Zenin.

2. He never lets go of his sister.

Megumi’s old enough to remember Tsumiki when the Zenin take him away. He's old enough to love her. And I think that Megumi loves very quietly, but he also loves very violently. He wouldn't let his sister hold his hand on the walk to school, but he would sacrifice himself for her future.

I think the Zenin took him from his sister, and I think he kicked and screamed and wasn't strong enough. I think they thought he would forget her eventually.

And then I think he bit most of the Zenin Clan.

At the end of the day, what Megumi wanted was the one thing the Zenin were not willing to give him. They were never like the Gojo clan, they were never going to pamper him, but there are a great many things in this world that they would give the Ten Shadows finally returned to them. But they would not give him a non-sorcerer, non-Zenin sister who would only be a weakness to him. They refused to let him have any contact with his sister, and that was the source of a lot of what soured.

Any Megumi that was taken in by the Zenin would have been taken in to Naobito's household directly. He would be announced as the one who finally inherited their most cherished technique, and he would be declared heir, and the Zenin would call him beloved for it.

They would keep him in a room that was large and empty and almost always dark, and he wouldn't be allowed to decide when he slept or woke, and the door would always be locked from the outside. They would give him a wardrobe of expensive clothes that he hated, and he would never get to pick which of them he wore.

Megumi would hate them. He would hate all of them.

He's just not the type to be comfortable with or enjoy the adoration of others--especially when it's not backed up by genuine love. Megumi is someone who very much values sincerity and depth to emotion--it's one of the reasons why he seems to respect Yuuji so much. Yuuji is a good person who follows through with what he says. He's not just going to talk about wanting to save people--he's there making the sacrifices as he does it.

The Zenin do not actually love him. And he knows it. He's experienced love before, and this isn't it.

They love the idea of him. The fantasy of him that lives in their heads. He has no interest in being their little god prince to contend with the Gojo's own. He knows who he is, and it's not this. He wants to go home. He wants to find his sister again. He doesn't want to do this anymore.

And I think that's a feeling Megumi never escape: he just didn't want to do this anymore.

Megumi would feel like a bug pinned beneath glass in the Zenin compound. He would constantly have people managing him--when he ate, what he ate, what he wore, when he slept, when he woke, when he trained, what he did. Having to become a jujutsu sorcerer signified an inherent loss of control, but it's nothing compared to the sheer objectification that he goes through when the Zenin have exclusive control over him.

He has no power of what clothes he wears. How his hair is styled. His schedule, his diet, the people he speaks too--he's suffocating and the Zenin are just increasing pressure on him.

I don't think Gojo ever thought that would be Megumi's life.

We’re gonna just have this imagining exist in the same world as the Tsumiki centric fic described in the linked post, and in that, the reason why Gojo never took him in was because he didn’t know Megumi had a sister. He showed up, saw the divine dogs, realized Megumi had the Ten Shadows, and decided he couldn’t do this. He was a mess. He was grieving Suguru and Haibara. Megumi looked just like the man who killed Riko, and apparently inherited the fucking Ten Shadows of all the goddamn things. The Zenin would lose their shit, and Gojo didn’t have the energy to fight and told himself he didn’t need to, because if Megumi was the Ten Shadows he’d be cared for like a prince with the Zenin. He turned around and left and spent the rest of his life with Megumi in the back of his mind, always nagging him with whether he made the right decision. It wasn’t until Maki got there and made a few worrisome references to Megumi's standard of living that he started to really worry that he had made the wrong one, and it wasn't until he found out about Tsumiki that he knew it was the wrong decision.

It's like this: The Zenin hurt Megumi in every world.

It would be bad no matter what, but it really gets bad because Megumi refuses to stop trying to get back to Tsumiki. She's his sister. They didn't have anyone or anything in this world, but they had each other, and he couldn't let these people just take her away. He’s feral about it. He refuses to fit the mold they keep trying to cram him in. He’s trying to scale the walls to escape. He’s increasingly desperate and angry and the Zenin are getting more and more frustrated the longer he fights them. He’s the heir to the clan, and he can’t stop trying to leave it to get back to some random girl who isn’t his real sister and isn’t someone they’ll ever allow him to have.

It gets bad.

They put him under increasingly strict levels of control. He’s constantly being trained, which means he's constantly being hurt. He’s not allowed to speak to anyone without the clan head’s approval. He is under absolutely constant guard after he manages to get over the wall and halfway to his old neighborhood before they catch him again. Tsumiki’s name is not allowed to be said aloud, or his old name. He forgets his name used to be Fushiguro, but he doesn’t forget Tsumiki. He doesn’t let himself.

I think it escalates until it hits a breaking point. Megumi becomes increasingly self-destructive and non-responsive to everything they try. They push him to extremes that start risking permanent damage.

I think Megumi would try to hurt himself, eventually.

He wouldn't be in his right mind. He's in the most shit situation possible. He's undergoing pretty severe abuse. He'd be at the end of his rope from the lack of control over his own life, and he'd be spiteful as hell towards the Zenin. And the only thing he has to hurt them with is himself.

As a character, Megumi has always considered his own sacrifice as an acceptable means to the end of getting back at someone. Mahoraga, intrinsically, requires him killing himself as a way of killing someone else. He'd hurt himself if it was the only way he had of hurting them.

Naobito would cover it up. He'd never, ever want the rest of the clan to find out that it happened. It was already bad enough that Megumi openly hated them--he couldn't have the Zenin seeing any vulnerability in what was meant to be their most powerful member. He'd put Megumi in total lockdown until he could make it all go away.

Then they'd make a deal.

A binding vow. Megumi could never purposefully hurt himself again. He could never again try to leverage his own safety against the clan.

And in exchange, Tsumiki would be taken care of.

The last time Megumi saw his sister, she was on a sinking ship. They were running out of food, money, options--he doesn't know if she even has food anymore. He doesn't know if she lost the apartment or if there's still running water.

They're not letting him see her. But they are letting him take care of her. He can sacrifice another piece of control over himself, and she'll never have to worry about money again. They'll pay for her housing, her food, her education, for her every desire for as long as she lives. The trust the Zenin set up for her will be a generous one, and it will be managed meticulously by a trustee who can make sure she'll be provided for until she's old and grey. And Naobito will vow to never hurt her or send someone else to hurt her. She'll be safe. She'll be taken care of.

Megumi makes the deal.

In the end, the deal's what sort of breaks him.

Because he doesn't promise to stop looking for her, but the Zenin manage to make it a part of the terms anyway. When they approach Tsumiki's mother with the offer to be her family's beneficiary, they include a requirement that Tsumiki be moved to another city entirely with no forwarding address given. She needs to be somewhere that Megumi can never find her again.

The Zenin keep the old apartment. They pay the rent every month. And the next time Megumi manages to make it off compound, they let him make it all the way there before dragging him home. They let him see the empty apartment with all its empty rooms.

Naobito wants him to know that Tsumiki's gone. He wants him to know that he'll never find her again.

He tries to run a few more times after that, but he never makes it very far. He doesn't have anywhere to go.

In the linked post, Megumi finds Tsumiki, just once. She's on a class trip. He's on one of his very few and far between allowed excursions off the compound grounds, and he sees her in the crowd and recognizes her, and he ducks away from his escort before anyone can stop him.

She remembers him. He didn't think she would do that.

She tries to save him. He didn't think she would do that either.

She still loves him. And he was always too afraid to hope she would do that.

It goes the same way it did the first time. There's a car, and the Zenin shove him in it. She's on the outside, and he's trapped within, and he wishes she didn't scream so loudly when it happens. The sound never seems to leave his dreams.

His sister still loves him. Naoya hits him in the back of the head. He wakes up, and it was like she was never there at all.

But they hit him harder, after. Like they're trying to beat the memory of her out of him. He has even less freedom, when he already had next to none at all.

But he still has a sister. He has a place to go that isn't here. He just has to figure out where that is.

He wouldn't really have anyone in the Zenin clan. Most people are just... weird about him. Naoya's violently abusive. Naobito's weird and violently abusive. Everyone wants him to be someone he's not.

Maki would be his favorite.

He doesn't care about whether she's got cursed energy--his sister didn't have any. And she's obviously strong. She doesn't treat him like a divine blessing or try to force him to act a certain way. I think they would have genuinely liked each other, but kept each other at a distance. They're both trapped in an abusive situation and keep themselves safe by keeping everyone else at arm's length.

He would have been happy to see her get out, though. He would have told her that she could have his spot as heir or head or whatever when she came back if she wanted it. She would have told him that if he ever got out... well, fuck it. They could be something then. Family. Whatever the fuck they weren't allowed to be here.

She would have told him she's sorry, and she would have meant it. The only one she she regretted more than Megumi was Maki. He would have told her not to be, that if she dared to be sorry for getting out that he would never forgive her, and he would have meant that too.

I think his relationship with his own techinque would be very different in a world where the Zenin raised him. In canon, his issue is that he doesn't view himself as someone who could be powerful or win in the long run, but in this world, all he ever hears is how powerful he is. Pride of the fucking Zenin. The most powerful of them in centuries. Meant to rival Gojo fucking Satoru himself.

I think his real issue would be controlling it.

His technique would be a source of negative associations for him. It's the reason why the Zenin took him away. Most of his interactions with it have involved getting beaten and hurt by either his family or a high-level curse they shoved him in front of. I think he'd have a lot more firepower under his belt than at the start of canon, but he'd have less of a fine tuned control over it.

He lost control over his own life because of his shadows. It think that would manifest in struggling to control his own shikigami at times. he's not as in-sync with them as he is in canon.

Eventually, he'd go to Jujutsu High. He would be the only one in the first year class at the beginning, just like in canon. And he'd finally meet Gojo Satoru, the man he's supposed to topple.

He looks at Megumi really goddamn weird.

He's... enthusiastic. About. Teaching. He guesses. And constantly asking prying questions about the Zenin, but not in the sort of way he'd expect from a rival. In the sort of way he'd expect from someone concerned about him. Which is stupid. And annoying. And weird. He keeps a distance from everyone. They've all heard about the Zenin clan heir, and he has no interest in having to fit or break whatever mold they've already cast him in. He's better off on his own.

Maki's there. She's cordial where other people can see it, and in private, she takes care of him in a way that's terrifyingly close to familial. He's not sure if he likes it. He's not Mai, and she's not Tsumiki, and they both want someone they can't have.

She isn't sorry she left. She is sorry she left him. He can hate her for it all he goddamn pleases.

Of course, if this is in the same world as the linked post, Megumi finds Tsumiki again. He finds her in Sendai.

He gets to keep her, this time.

Gojo Satoru, of all the goddamn people, intervenes and becomes his sister's benefactor. It's super fucking weird. He won't stop looking at Megumi strangely. He won't stop insisting that he didn't know he had a sister, like that matters.

That would sort of be the first time in a long time that life actually gets better for Megumi.

I think he would ask to go by Fushiguro again, once he asks Tsumiki what his name used to be. He'd ask her if she minded it, him taking the name again, and he'd ask the rest of the school to call him Fushiguro instead of Zenin.

Predictably enough, Naobito loses his shit when he finds out, but it's not nearly as big of a pain in the ass as he thinks it is? Because Gojo intervenes.

Gojo keeps intervening.

It drives Megumi nuts, because if anyone was supposed to hate him, it was this guy. If anyone was supposed to be against him, it was this guy. This is the guy he was supposed to rival. This is the guy who killed his shitheel bio dad.

Gojo's just... good to him. He keeps him safe. He keeps him safe from his own goddamn family, and that's--no one's ever done that. No one's ever protected him from the Zenin.

The Zenin try to remove him from the Tokyo campus and move him to Kyoto the second they find out Tsumiki's there, and Gojo just... says no. It causes an uproar, and he doesn't fucking budge. It's treading dangerously close to him kidnapping the Zenin clan heir, his refusal to let them remove him from the Tokyo campus, and he doesn't care about whatever problems it causes him.

Megumi's his student. He doesn't want to leave. So Gojo won't let them take him.

He personally goes to Kyoto and collects him, the one time the Zenin force him into a car and move him when Gojo's off on a mission. He tells the higher ups to get fucked. He changes Megumi's student I.D. to read Fushiguro, and he causes problems for Yaga and the assistants until they start calling him Fushiguro as well.

Megumi's different with the other students once his sister is there.

He's more connected with them. He becomes best friends with Kugisaki and Itadori. He gets closer with the second years. He's visibly happier, and it sort of casts in sharp contrast how unhappy he was before this.

And Gojo? Gojo's so goddamn sorry. He didn't know megumi had a sister.

The thing is that now that both Tsumiki and Megumi are on campus, it sort of haunts Gojo with what could have been. They're both fantastic kids--funny, smart, resourceful. And it's painful watching them try to rebuild what was taken from them. And it could have just. never happened. Because he could have saved them both. He could have been their family.

It's sort of painfully obvious the Zenin abused Megumi, and it fucking haunts him. He doesn't even have to read into Megumi's behavior--he sees it happen, right in front of him, with how they try to control him and push him around. He wants to kill them for it. He wants to hate himself for it. He could have saved Megumi and he just. He didn't.

He wishes he did.

#jjk #fushiguro megumi #fushiguro tsumiki #gojo satoru #zenin clan #zenin maki #also featuring in this au: itadori absolutely torn because his best friend's long lost brother is extremely pretty and he HAS to be in #violation of some kind of bro code. the boy is in crisis. there he is. enrolled in fucking wizard school. his best friend tsumiki finally #found her long lost brother. said long lost brother proceeds to give him his gay awakening. he's fucking sweating. kugisaki stop laughing #gojos latent desire for fatherhood has been violently awakened in this and no one is safe. he's everyone's dad now. no one wants this.#yuuta in africa: sensei it's three am why are you calling is everyone oka--what do you mean what color do I want you to paint my room. what #room. what are you talking about.#yuuta keeps getting the weirdest goddamn updates from japan and he thinks he's having a stroke. what do you mean zenin-kun is fushiguro-kun #and he has a fucking long lost sister and gojos possibly going to gently kidnap him. is it kidnapping if he wants it too but the people who #has custody of him doesn't. what do you mean he needs to come back and help maki kill her entire family. maki explain your words explain #yes word of god megumi is also yuutas boy in this one i decide this for no other reasons than i want this #it's not the same way as in sea glass gardens. Maki just said some worrying things when yuuta first met him and he decided to keep an eye #out for him. he didn't seem all that happy. and he seemed alone. yuuta didn't want him to be.#megumi's sort of blindsided because he went from being raised in a clan where he was barely a person to having a bunch of medically insane #people decide that his wellbeing was their personal crusade. like. no one ever cared about /him/ before this. they just wanted their idea #but not who he really was. he felt like he was screaming and no one could hear it. then suddenly these people he barely knows are like #okay so we're going to punch your shitty bio uncle and also set his car on fire. yes we will call you by the name that makes you most #comfortable. yes we will help you get a new wardrobe full of clothes you're actually comfortable in.#he hadn't heard his own name in years. he's just been the ten shadows. never fushiguro. only rarely megumi.#everyone calls him fushgiuro at the school. his sister calls him megumi. he sort of wants to cry about it but he doesn't.#his shitty uncle shows up and makes a big stink about him being called zenin and inumaki and panda keyed his car. is this what love is.#is it a keyed car.#Low key he does NOT know what's going to happen the first time the school goes on break because gojo keeps making comments about how #megumi's not going back to the zenin compound and he says it like a joke but. he may not be joking. is he not joking. is. is megumi being #kidnapped. again. this is getting statistically improbable. did gojo just. decide. to keep him. when did that happen.

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nuppu-nuppu · 11 months

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Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again

#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining #once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol #like idk how to be friends #i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely #and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have #actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality #i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again #because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it #pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic #how do i start living again #how does one live anyway #im just in my head all the time #this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness #im so stupid!!!#im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself #im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself #but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go #idk how to be a person anymore #i’m just sad #thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol

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starflungwaddledee · 2 months

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Ok but what if she went to waddle Dee town in the forgotten land and all the waddle Dee’s just accepted her because they are really nice and not rude and they accept her and she has fun and a good time please I really need this for her

i considered drawing something out to this, and making it a happy ending sort of thing, because i think this is extremely sweet as a concept and i understand the desire for it!

that said, i decided that it would be a disservice to the lore i'm building for her, my biology/magic headcanons, and also the waddle dees as a whole. i might still draw it some day, because i could absolutely perceive a way it would work (ie: all waddle dee signatures messed up by Elfilis's portals, or their magic sensitivity nuked by it.) and i think it would be lovely

but for now, i have too many other things on the backburner to get to this promptly, and i wanted to answer this one sooner rather than leaving it for months

i will say, they're not being rude to her! there might be the odd one or two who is a bit snide, but there are some of those in every society. as a general rule the waddle dees not only understand that she is struggling, they want to accept and help her. many of them even know she's lonely, and feel pretty bad about it. but it's hard, and not just because she makes people uneasy!

i draw parallels with starstruck's gummed up magical signature to autism, as i'm autistic and so by merit (as a sona), so is she. but there are some parts that do not line up with the way autism functions in our world, and one of them is that touching or being around her can be genuinely, literally painful for some of the very sensitive waddle dees.

despite that, her waddle dee doctors actually pushed through it while she was in the castle dedede infirmary. because they were determined to treat her (mostly-surface-seeming) injuries and help her feel better. and they apologised for the reactions that they couldn't control anymore than she could control her signature; the various "sorry"s she parrots in this comic are implied to be from waddle dee doctors.

it's a fine line in alien-storytelling, especially with a real world disability parallel, and i'm trying to tread it as carefully as i can. but i don't intend to villainise the waddle dees at all for their reaction to her; they truly can't help it. many of them even do their best to push through it if she comes into their vicinity, especially because she often arrives with Beloved Celebrity, Captain Bandana Waddle Dee. but like a lot of us, she can tell when she's being tolerated, and so as a rule she just sort of tries to avoid it, one way or another

#also; i'm popping this one in the tags but like... she's frankly A Bit Annoying??? especially early on.#you give her rules but she ignores you. this was kind of evident in the oc secret santa piece i did. over enthusiastic #she can be too loud or too quiet. too much or not enough. extremely bad at reading the room. foot fully in mouth. really clingy.#these aren't necessarily “bad traits” but they're just not for everyone. and that's actually okay!#i simply gave her my personality traits and 'tisms. and *i'm* annoying 😅 so she's annoying too. *shrug*#not to mention that her voice and magic mimicry is straight up Unsettling. imagine seeing someone you don't know with your face!!!#imagine being told by your Beloved King and Number One Celebrity that that was a-okay!! weird as hell!!#it's important to me that she's annoying + weird and strangers don't always give her the time of day but her friends love her.#starstruck dee #asks #ps this is just an aside but i want to warn people off being like... idk. projecting on her too much. i'm glad she's resonating with people #but i don't guarantee that her story is totally happy or light-hearted. i don't want people to be 'personally slighted' or upset #when she inevitably gets turned into strawberry jam. i'm so happy you like her but please please keep this in mind.

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tsukihimeyfan · 9 months

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Just finished watching Wendigoon's video about Hisashi Ouchi and had a terrible, awful, no-good DP prompt idea come into my head. Come suffer with me.

So the Fentons constantly threaten to tear ghosts apart "molecule by molecule" right? What if they managed to make an anti-ghost weapon that made good on that threat? One that tore apart ghostly DNA or ectoplasm, and just straight-up turned any ghost hit by it into green goop, melted within seconds like Danny's clones?

So I imagine that at some point after destroying a couple of ghosts with this new weapon, Jack and Maddie finally manage to corner Phantom somehow. Terrified, Danny is left with no choice but to try to explain who and what he is, hoping to all the Ancients that it will be enough to stop them from hurting him.

Unfortunately for him, the Fentons don't really listen at first and shoot him point blank.

Danny puts his arms up to protect himself and closes his eyes, trembling in abject fear, imagining himself melting away into a pile of goop right in front of his parents. He desperately hopes it's quick and painless. He waits for the end.

...and waits

... and waits

The Fentons and Danny both feel shocked, but Danny eventually laughs (a bit hysterically) and continues explaining his accident, intensely relieved that his half-human nature had protected him from this weapon.

Once he explains everything, the Fentons apologize with tears in their eyes for how they had treated him. They accept him for who he is, and promise to do their best to learn more about ghosts' true natures. They decide to use their inventions in an actually scientific, ethical way, to learn more about this culture and people. Danny and Jazz are both ecstatic. Everything seems perfect. Sure, Danny might have thrown up and passed out the minute they got home from that little talk, and sure, his skin turned a bit red and painful where he got hit, but that was the extent of it, right? His human half purged the effects of the weapon from his body, no harm no foul.

But they all forget that while Danny's DNA is half human, it is also half ghostly in nature, and the weapon just tore through those parts of him like bullets through paper.

A week later, Danny's skin starts to feel like it's burning

#danny phantom #dp prompt #prompt #basically the Fentons accidentally give Danny extreme radiation poisoning and have to deal with the consequences #maybe Vlad could get a redemption arc in this #finally realizing that Maddie is not as perfect as he imagined her to be #and using everything in his considerable power to help save his Little Badger #could also be #DPxDC #dp x dc #if they end up reaching out to the justice league for their resources and expertise on non-human biology and radiation exposure #and of course every single one of them would end up loving Danny and wanting to take him away from these people who hurt him so bad #or at least help him recover and watch over him after #they wouldn't be fans of the Fentons to say the least #if anyone writes anything on this you can take it anywhere you like #but I'm personally a sucker for Angst with a Happy Ending #so in my imagination Danny manages to make it through the almost 3 months of suffering and eventually recovers #with a ton of new friends (and maybe a lover) for his troubles #but he'd never be the same #and I don't think he'd ever look at Jack and Maddie the same either #don't look up pictures of Hisashi Ouchi btw #only made that mistake once #danny fenton #btw for those who don't know but don't want to watch a 90min video about it #Hishashi Ouchi was a poor man who was exposed to so much radiation that his chromosomes were torn to shreds #**READ THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES AT YOUR DISCRETION CW IT'S NOT PRETTY IF YOU DON'T LIKE THINKING ABOUT NASTY STUFF/BODY HORROR DON'T READ #then his skin started to slough off #then the lining of his lungs. then the one on his intestines. then on almost every one of his organs #He lived for 83 days bc the best doctors in the world were trying to save him #but Yes it was probably as excruciating as it sounds especially bc his mind was intact for most of it

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givehimthemedicine · 1 year

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never forget El isn't just touchy feely as a random personality trait, she's spent most of her developmentally critical years horribly starved of touch and warmth and love :)

and every moment of physical comfort she receives is precious to her as an antidote to some specific moment in her past when she suffered the lack of it :) and you can also see the shadow of her traumas in the ways she thinks to give physical comfort :)

and also don't forget that her trauma didn't end with the lab :) when we first meet her her traumas are drawn from lab days but by later seasons it's clear some of the traumas guiding her behavior are just... the show :) such as the crushing pressure of everyone counting on her to find Will :)

and if I spend more than 2 seconds thinking about what any simple little moment of closeness/physical affection/comfort must mean to El I will start sobbing and never stop :)

#eleven #lab feels #the max ones are heavily relevant to my fic #el is fairly into touching peoples heads during hugs in general #but her comforting max involves a lot of head stroking and i'm thinking it's because that's an old self soothing habit :(#also I realize 'its okay' is an extremely standard thing to say to a distressed person but #what if she says that to max because she remembers joyce saying it to her in the void and it making her feel better #and what do you wanna bet she held onto max's hand like that because she remembers going into the void to find will #and knowing she's his only hope and his fate is completely on her shoulders and all these people are counting on her #and then feeling will's hand dissolve in hers. and not knowing where he went or how to help him #and now she's gone in to find max and it's the same thing all over again and she's max's only hope #only this time it isn't some kid it's her best friend and the person she probably loves most in the world. and who trusts her to save her #do you know how terrified she is that max is gonna turn into smoke too. and disappear to somewhere el can't find her or help her #do you know how terrified she is that she's going to fail her #do you get what unfathomable trauma it is that she did fail her (it wasn't her fault but with her hero complex she'll feel like it is)#i will be adding to this gifset in season 5 when max wakes up #im fine (im not)#angst #mine #bestof

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lvstharmony · 6 months

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beyond grateful for the people that are surrounding me in my life, just as i am grateful for the people i’ve parted ways with, for without them, i would not be the person i am today.

#i have left so many people throughout my life #and #if someone would ask me if i’d regret any choice i’ve made i would say no #i regret hurting people yet i wouldn’t change a thing if i could #without the suffering the sacrifices and the lessons i would not be the person i am today that i can finally say i’m proud of #whenever i read the question “would you want to be your friend if you’d meet yourself?” deep down my answer was no #i was a good friend and i always tried my best to be there for everyone #but i was so blinded and overwhelmed by my pain that i tried so hard not to project on others that it was exactly the thing i’ve done #i was extremely caring sensitive loving and selfless but my ”bad“ traits were just as extreme #my emotions were so overwhelming that they were scattered all over the place that it didn’t allow me to have any control over them #i used to be so terrified of being alone. all i’ve felt was a great loneliness that was residing within me #until i’ve gathered the strength to leave an entire friendgroup with people that meant the world for me #they weren’t good for me anymore just as i wasn’t for them #since that day i’ve grown a lot i became a better and healthier version of myself #i learned how to be alone and to find the peace in it and in myself #all i’ve had was Allah swt. and He is all i will ever need.#without the hardships in terms of friendship i wouldn’t have been able to learn how to be alone and love and enjoy it #without it i could not say that i could easily give up the people in my life #i could if i had to bc i have Allah swt.#but i’ve learned how to choose and to choose the right people #i don’t need you and never will but i choose you bc i want you in my life and i think that makes it so much more special #i can finally say that i love the person i am today and can’t wait to see myself grow even more as the cycle of growing is never ending #I still have so much to learn and I will let it come to me with open arms #an open mind and an open heart #above all the most precious gift i’ve earned is to learn how to have tawakkul.#everything that happens every trial that is afflicted upon us has meaning #and it’s beautiful.#being able to pick out the khair in everything is the biggest blessing #alhamdulillah for the things that bruised my soul alhamdulillah for the things that mended it #alhamdulillah for everything bc truly; Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.

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ante--meridiem · 5 months

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To socialise or not to socialise, that is the question.

#Looked at two places I could move out to & they are complete opposite vibes in terms of socialableness #Both have roommates ofc but one gives me a lot more of my own space & it seems like I would barely have to interact with them at all #So I'd be left pretty much completely alone. Which is usually the dream #And ngl knowing the other people there would keep to themselves & have no interest in knowing me is especially relieving #Given the whole thing that pushed me to move out in the first place #The other has extremely small & cozy vibes. Owner's stuff all over the place #By cozy I do mean cluttered #The girl I met with there (not the person I'd be renting from) gave me a tour for five-ten mins #And then the next 30 mins-60 mins we spent chatting over tea #Someone more sociable than me might call it instant bestie vibes #Which. Has been something I've kind of very much been missing/yearning for irl I will admit #& from the sound of it the person subletting has the same vibes with her #She says he's 'interesting' and 'I'd like him'#From the combination of her description and the clutter I'm getting eccentric professor vibes #Which is generally a good vibe to me #But I am even more skittish of renting from someone t #Too sociable #After prev landlord #Though I want to trust othet tenant's vibe check. Because it might actually be very nice to have some kind of real life friends #It's also a very different kind of sociable than prev landlord #She was 'chatty and gets you to open up easily' sociable & it sounds like the other guy will be approximately the same #& also 'repeatedly assures you can ask her to stop if she's being too much' sociable. Which is always a relief #Meanwhile prev landlord was 'wants to know why you're not relaxed & tells you you should be without doing anything to help you be' sociable #'gets very pushy about finding time to talk/hang out' sociable #'teases you for being awkward' sociable #None of which were the real issue with him of course. But they didn't help & I can't help but see them as red flags in retrospect #I'm currently leaning towards 'to socialise' because it was a very cosy vibe & I do feel starved of irl friendship just a bit #But it could either be very good or very bad #& I don't want to risk very bad again #Anyway. This has been missives from a pizza shop I ducked into to charge my phone before I go back to being lost in a snowstorm

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sweetest-honeybee · 10 months

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How come you finished welcome home commissions before other commissions?

Sorry to be kind of rude but a friend of mine commissioned something a while before you started posting about Welcome Home and it’s understandable that you are busy but the welcome home commissions were likely commissioned after you started posting about it so I don’t know why you did them first.

I already know I’m gonna sound like an ass for a moment but here we go-

Firstly this can be taken up privately by your friend if they’re concerned. I also don’t particularly appreciate this in my inbox but to answer, it’s just whatever I can get through quickest. My oldest of the ones sitting are from much longer ago than anything anyone in Tumblr has commissioned me for and I’m finishing those tomorrow (they’re from Twitter and Instagram respectively and I dedicated my entire last Saturday to them alone). Those two have been quite kind and expressed their concerns about turnaround themselves if need be

Anything that’s particularly fun and interesting gets done quicker and keeps space open when others are a bit stuck when I need a quick slot filled like last week to cover an expense, for example. Scraping by on harder/less interesting commissions slows things down

Truly, it’s not that I don’t like some commissions, they’re just harder to sit and focus on

Additionally, my time management has been awful this year because of several points of uncertainty about getting a job, a couple scares on my living situation, and not having a clear window of time consistently to know when to work on things that have been sitting (and of course, burnout is always an issue). It’s easy to find time to just. Scribble and doodle, maybe do a piece for myself, but getting actual work done is a little more difficult. I’ve discovered preclaimed adopts and taking up so many commissions in May last minute wasas a bad choice so I’m still quite literally 15 commissions in the hole to finish on top of your friend’s commission. So making sure that isn’t gonna happen again is all I can do, at the moment. I’ve been chipping away at em in little bits of free time as best I can, reorganizing my canvases, getting a good idea of what’ll be finished first and last, etc etc I’ve actually been quite productive for the last week or so

If your friend is upset they need to tell me. They’re the client, and the content doesn’t concern you directly if you haven’t commissioned me and are waiting. If they’d like a refund because the turnaround is too long, that’s for them to communicate with me and I’m happy to provide a refund. I’m not always gonna be the best artist for the job if you want quick work and that’s fine. I’ve refunded MUCH larger pieces before for that reason. Clients may check in at any time whether I’ve got progress to show for the time or not. And oftentimes I don’t! Sometimes it’s days or a couple-few weeks before I can get progress to people, it just happens and I’ve been working on making sure it doesn’t keep happening so I don’t have to make people expect to wait so long before they hear from me. Trust me, it’s always a bit disappointing when I can’t show anything

And now that I’m working as well, my ability to finish those things just depends on what days I get to myself during the week and atm thats 3 days this week so those 3 days are dedicated to downtime and paid commission work. Which quite frankly, is a bit exhausting. Fun puppet characters and scaly dragons and whatnot are fun and rewarding and I’m clearing my queue while doing something I’m enjoying and that gets me to the older stuff much faster

I’m very sorry the turnaround estimate was more than a little off and it’ll be tweaked for better preparation in the future. I’m also sorry if they’ve asked and I didn’t respond quickly or have sounded dismissive. Hell, some clients pester and pester and that certainly makes doing work for them unenjoyable. I think about these commissions every single day and how I can approach them so I can finish them by sometime in July

#I probably shouldn’t answer this so late bc I’m tired and burned out socially and was extremely pissed earlier #but while I hate to say it it’s true #commissions are hard work #people have sat for a long while and I hate that they do #all the time every day I’m thinking oh #surely I can get this sketch out for this person #pr I can do the flats for this person #just to make a LITTLE bit of progress #and it just doesn’t happen #I do try I really do #and some I’m more successful than others ‘]#half the time it’s no excuse but like I said #if this is so bad that you need to barge into my inbox just have your friends talk to me #I’m sure they’ll be a lot more respectful about it than you certainly were

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