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stovetuna · 3 years

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Oh! Oh! Your Tony-finally-accepts-Steve-Loves-him fic was so lovely. A+ 🥺

And the reverse-ish! The first time Steve realizes Tony doesn’t actually believe him when he says I love you and how Steve both reacts and comes to term with the situation (does he plan on talking about it? Love offensive with super romantic dates? Figure out that the solution to this problem a marathon not a sprint?)

aaaaaahhh I am gonna EXPIRE

can you imagine?? the moment I think about it my heart absolutely BREAKS in the best, most bittersweet way, because oh, Steve. you really thought the moment you kissed Tony the first time—you were sitting next to him on the living room sofa, a whole empty seat on either side of you because you were so unnecessarily close together, but then you were struck by the thought not close enough, and you were in the middle of listening to and watching Tony watch the Lost in Space reboot (so many science critiques you didn't understand a lick of but you are more than happy to play audience to the things Tony cares about, loudly) when you leaned forward and placed a lingering kiss on the corner of Tony's motormouth, which apparently was all the invitation Tony needed to crawl into your lap and press his warm, warm, warm lips to yours and kiss the breath out of you—he understood.

because it was so easy to go from best friends to romantic partners, and you had years of friendship between you to hearken back to. Plenty of moments when you thought you'd made it clear to Tony that you loved him, that you cared about him, that you admired and respected and yes, deep down (not that deep, really) were very much attracted to him.

you thought.

so when you kiss the first time, you think he knows. when you go on your first real date and play footsie all night under the table and hold hands the whole walk home, you think he knows. when, a few days later, he slides inside you, deep and hard and wet, and butterfly-kisses the tears from your eyes and tells you how beautiful you are as he fucks you, wailing, into the mattress, you know, down to your soul, to the basest atoms of your existence, that Tony loves you as much as you love him.

but something isn't right, because even as weeks, months go by, and you move into Tony's suite and fall asleep wrapped around him almost every night (except those when he's in another country, and the bed is almost as cold as the ice, or when he's consumed by some project in the workshop and loses track of time), and you tell each other "I love you" out loud multiple times, and say it without words in a million other ways, you get the feeling that Tony. doesn't. believe you?

you're baffled. genuinely, it doesn't make sense. you've loved each other for years. even when you fought, bloody and fierce and deeply, horrifically wrong, you loved each other. it wouldn't have hurt nearly as much—felt like a piece of you being ripped away, phantom pain aging you inwardly until every step in any direction that wasn't toward Tony was agony—if you didn't.

but even though Tony says it back, and he does, every time, even when you're yelling at each other after a battle goes "tits-up," thank you, Logan, he has this look in his eyes, and the only word you've been able to put to it is doubt.

at first you think it means Tony doubts you—your feelings, your intentions, yourself and all the baggage that entails—but that thought quickly passes. because you know he doesn't. you know, from experience, that Tony's worst thoughts and feelings very rarely have anything to do with anyone other than himself. which means Tony doubts himself. maybe even reality. not in a "you might be a Skrull" kind of way, but in a "this is too good to be true" kind of way.

and doesn't that just break your fucking heart.

for months you watch this doubt flicker like a guttering little flame in Tony's bright blue eyes, every time you say "I love you, Tony" with your voice. it's never there when you're brushing your teeth next to other in the morning, bumping hips and giggling like the children you never got to be; it's not there when you silently hand him his coffee and kiss him on the temple on his way out the door to a morning meeting, grousing on the phone even as he blows a kiss to you before the elevator doors close; it's not there when you sit down next to him after a battle, on the steps of some middle-of-nowhere courthouse that just got blown up by some no-name villain, taking unspeakable comfort in the radiating heat coming off the armor that kept Tony safe in combat, and without having to ask or say anything at all Tony takes the helmet off and you lean your foreheads together and just breathe each other's air, too relieved and too exhausted to kiss; it's not there when you make love to him, slowly, excruciatingly sweet, your hips rolling in a steady, undulating wave between Tony's long, golden thighs, his arms loose around your neck, his gorgeous voice gone raspy and quiet from screaming through two orgasms already, and you tell him to look at you as you come together one last time.

it's only when you say it. put words to it. make it real. that's when that banked ember of doubt flickers to life, and it feels like you have to start all over again. which isn't a hardship, per se. not at all, really. it's an honor and a privilege and an absolute pleasure to be a part of Tony's life like this. it's also frustrating, and infuriating, and dangerous, but that was always the case. the only difference is now, you can have make-up sex.

you fight about it first. it starts out in earnest, a forthright—if frighteningly vulnerable—conversation over dinner that turns into a shouting match to rival anything from the war that of course gets cut short by the Avengers alarm going off and having to Assemble before you can clear the air. he almost dies in the battle, short-circuited by an exceptionally advanced EMP that takes out the RT (and whoo, boy does that make you spiral, thinking back, to the moment you did that to Tony, almost killed him, and thinking those thoughts while you keep vigil at his bedside for days makes you wish harder than you ever have before in your life that you could drink yourself to death), and you're too relieved when he opens his eyes and the first word out of his mouth is your name, like he's the one who should be relieved, to bring it up again.

you love him. he loves you. it works. better than that, it's good. and eventually—quickly, even—you learn. you learn tell him in every which way you can think of, without words, how much you love him, and why. you text him pictures from your runs through Central Park (he makes the photo you sent him that spring, of the adolescent raccoon emerging from a hollowed-out tree, his lock screen for a week before he changes it back to a picture of you in bed drooling onto your pillow). you help him take off the armor when he's dead on his feet. you feed him. you train with him. you listen to him ramble on about bad movie science and cheer when Matt Damon mentions him in that Mars movie. (You literally cry laughing when Tony picks up the phone at the end of the movie and calls Matt Damon and tells him to text him next time, "I'll come pick you up, just stop getting lost in fucking space, asshole!")

you kiss his scarred fingers, with their fresh cuts and scrapes and bruises from working in the shop, with a reverence. you draw baths for him and don't join, even though it's one of your favorite things to do in the world, because you can just tell Tony is going through something and he needs the space to work it out for himself. you're always there to fish him out when the water gets cold, and by that time Tony's ready to tell you about whatever's eating him.

you call him every foul, dirty name in the book when you fuck him loudly against the wall and sob yourself hoarse when he makes love to you for what feels like hours, so slow and deep and steady you honestly lose track of how many times you come. you clean him up after and tuck him in. you kiss him on the forehead before you go on your morning run, every morning without fail (except for those when you're apart, and you still, even after almost two years, catch yourself mid-motion sometimes, about to kiss empty air—you text Tony about it and he laughs every time).

you learn to be patient. you learn to show more than you tell. because you realize that Tony was lied to his entire life, about so many things. Lied to his face about who he was, who he was going to be, who he never would be allowed to be. Told over and over again by liars and cheats and villains and friends and lovers and family that he wasn't worth the effort of loving. that he would never be loved for anything other than the black credit card in his wallet, the cars in his garage, the houses and the private jets and the clothes and the money and the things he invented—the things he made—that were supposed to help people but only ever ended up killing them.

money, and blood.

it's no wonder he doubts.

so you set yourself to the long and genuinely joyous (if at times frustrating) task of convincing Tony that not only do you love him, more than you've loved anything else in your life, ever will, but he is lovable. not worthy of love, not deserving, and he is those things, but inherently—he is a sweet, caring, kind, fierce, sexy, strong, dangerous, incredible, dorky, suave, fumbling genius of a man and he is loved for those things.

it takes time. good things always do.

you've had a little velvet box hidden away in your bottom bedside drawer for four months when Tony wakes up and sees you in bed with him, realizes you've been watching him sleep—so peacefully, the furrow between his brows erased, as you play with his slightly overgrown hair (you wish he'd keep it, but it's a hazard, in your line of work). you kiss him on the forehead and say good morning, sweetheart, because it is, even if it is pouring down rain outside.

maybe especially because it's raining outside. because here you are, high up among thick grey clouds that smother every inch of the city, so it's just you two, in this bed, together in your own little world, and you're watching that stubborn ember of doubt in Tony's eyes finally get washed away.

read part one

#responses #rachel writes fic #stevetony #steve rogers #tony stark #stony fic #superhusbands #PHEW OKAY TIME TO GO CRY NOW #I can't remember the last time I wrote something in second person?? WHO AM I

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missbugaboo · 4 years

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That Other Guy (3)

“Why does it matter so much to you? What’s so terrible about Adrien Agreste that you can’t stand him as your competition – even though it changes absolutely nothing for you? What in magic’s name makes him such a hateful rival?” Or, Chat Noir finally learns who Ladybug’s dream guy is, but somehow, he’s not pleased at all. For more reasons than one.

LadyNoir, Adrienette.

fanfiction.net / AO3

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Chapter 3: In the Rain(storm)

If Ladybug was a bundle of nerves, then Cat Noir was a walking, talking disaster.

He was a mess.

He was a failure.

He was mad and he was scared, as well as utterly and perfectly astonished.

He was stunned.

He had no idea what to do, how to respond to the deluge of information his Lady had poured on him, unable to put together the scrapes she had given him and too terrified to face the idea that was starting to loom before his eyes as the most probable one.

He was a coward; but this time, he simply couldn't fight the fears that were holding him back.

So while Ladybug decided to jam the whirlwind of emotions that came over her with the help of her superpowers and her strength, running across the rooftops and fighting to maintain her sanity by escaping the horrors that were following her, her partner stood still, incapable of making the slightest of moves.

She knew she'd fall apart the moment she came to a halt; he realised his downfall would come the moment he woke up from his daze.

So he remained in his place, amazed, dumbfounded, motionless. His eyes had followed her when she'd left and then stayed fixed on the horizon, on the same spot he had last seen her. He watched the sky go darker without noticing the cause of such change: the dark, heavy clouds that concealed the brightness of the moon and swallowed the stars that accompanied it. He kept looking, as if he still expected her to come back, to land on the rooftop next to him and sight the solution he was too blind to see.

To fix what she – he – they had broken that night.

He stirred when the first drops landed on his cheeks, but didn't leave his outpost anyway. Looking up at the sky and exposing his face to the more and more violent beating of the rain was the most he could do; closing his eyes was the greatest movement he could be persuaded to make.

He breathed in the cold, humid air, desperately trying to block the images and words that were invading his mind – both those who were born from his own recent experiences and those which (he was certain of it) came to him from Plagg. It wasn't the first time when he heard his kwami's voice when transformed, even if said voice was as subtle as the one of his own subconsciousness.

As helpful as it could be at times, hearing it now only added to his pain.

He thought about de-transforming. At least then he could tell Plagg to shut up directly, or even block his ears quite literally if the latter had decided to ignore his pleas. The idea was rejected as quickly as it was born, however, and there was a very simple, very obvious reason for that.

The last person he needed right now was Adrien Agreste without a mask.

Adrien, the reason for this ordeal.

Adrien, the perfect, boring boy.

Adrien, the one who's won his Lady's heart without doing a single thing to deserve that, when the true, honest, imperfect part of him known as Cat Noir had never even stood a chance.

Could anyone really expect him to rejoice in a discovery of this kind?

He would have called it ironic, if it hadn't hurt so much. But it did; it hurt so, so terribly, to think that none of the things he had ever done for her were enough to make her care for him in the way in which he cared for her. They'd been through so much together: fighting alongside for so many, many months now, going through hardships and challenges, telling jokes and fooling around whenever they felt they could afford that.

How many times had he seen her feeling down and pressed her to spill the beans, until she'd broken into sobs and admitted to all that had been bothering her? How many of those breakdowns had been caused by the indifference of they boy she'd claimed to love, whom he often wanted to strangle with his bare hands, only to learn that he himself was the reason of her distress?

What had Adrien ever done to deserve her love?

And then: had he really been jealous of himself this whole time?

He snorted, annoyed with his own conclusions. It should have been so easy now: to simply wait for the opportunity to approach Ladybug as his civilian self and cease the chance by telling her how much he cared for her, all in the hopes she would not deny what she'd admitted to him today. It sure would be awkward at first, and it sure would require a lot of wit to make this supposedly hero-civilian relationship work – but if he truly loved her, it certainly was worth the trouble.

Right?

Only he knew it would not work. Not only because he knew for sure that he would never be able to hide the truth from her for long, either blurting it out by accident or openly revealing his secret when he got too tired of hiding it. All of the above was true; and yet, it was not even the second most important reason for his unwillingness to as much as try to do this.

How could he even assume she would have him then?

He didn't know her as Adrien, not really. A few meetings during an akuma attack, just like he'd said before. A few smiles given and received, a bit of small-talk, a word of meaningless comfort only to show her that he would always support her. Nothing more, though; nothing to claim that he actually did know her any better than the rest of her fans did.

He'd accused her of choosing someone she couldn't know, of putting a shallow celebrity crush above the years of friendship and effort.

If he approached her as Adrien, could she really see his affection as anything else?

After all, a 'celebrity crush' was exactly the term Nino had used when he'd finally learnt his secret a few weeks before.

Adrien Agreste didn't know Ladybug.

Ladybug didn't know Adrien.

She couldn't have.

Or... could she?

“And what if I do know him?”

"Get out of my brain," he drawled through his gritted teeth, turning around violently and pressing his hands against the sides of his head. "Get out, get out, get out!"

His cry resonated in the air for a second, before it was drown out by the noises of the rain falling around him. He could feel the hot tears burning behind his eyes as the walls he'd raised around his heart cracked, threatening to let in the same images and ideas he was so afraid to see.

So afraid do accept.

He was not ready for that.

And yet, the damage had already been done. No matter how tightly he shut his eyes, how great was the pressure between his hands and ears, how loud or low his growls were, they were of no use.

Closing his eyelids could not erase the picture of her shocked, hurting face, engraved in his memory with the same feeling of guilt that had been slowly taking over him ever since she'd left. Covering his ears did was no obstacle for the recollections of her voice, of the broken, disappointed tone she'd used while speaking to him.

His shouts could never jam the words she had pierced him with.

"You don't know me."

"I'm not Ladybug in my real life. I'm nothing like the girl you know."

"I'm sure that you could meet me in real life and you wouldn’t pay any more mind than you would to any other passer-by on the street."

She'd been so right and yet, so horribly, horribly wrong.

Of course, he didn't know her. Not truly, not completely, and nowhere near to the extent he wished to know her. She was the one who had made sure he never would, who had kept doing so regardless of how much he pleaded with her.

No matter how many sensible, impartial arguments he had presented, Ladybug had always had the same answer for him.

"We have no right to know."

There had been a time when he'd believed he might change her mind; a short time of gullibility after she had been named the new Guardian, taking over from Master Fu after their so-called victory over Hawkmoth, Mayura and Queen Bee. None of their previous winning had been achieved by such a cost and if he could, he would have done anything to make sure in never happened. It had, however; and even though it'd been hard to bare and unwanted, the change had also rekindled the spark of hope he'd thought long gone at the time.

His reasoning was simple: if Master Fu, the Guardian, had known his civilian identity, there was no reason why Ladybug, the Guardian he had chosen as his successor, should not know it as well.

And then it was only fair he learnt hers.

Still, she was not to be persuaded. He knew for sure she had talked about it not only with Tikki, but with Wayzz as well – and from how awkwardly she talked to him later on he easily figured that the kwamis were not exactly against the idea. It was Ladybug who was; the choice was hers and hers alone.

How little she must have trusted him.

And yet, the same knowledge he'd been yearning for all this time somehow turned to be the greatest of threats now.

Suddenly he didn't wish to know at all.

Suddenly, there was no way he could escape it.

And she was the one who had given him all the information necessary for it.

"Get out," he whispered brokenly, repeating the words like a mantra, for what felt like a hundredth time that night. His tangled locks were dripping wet from all the rain that had become much more like a downpour by now. The cold water had found its way under his collar, flowing down his back, evading the protection his suit would normally have given him. His teeth would have begin to chatter if he hadn't been gritting them so hard; his body would have shaken with shivers if his inner turmoil hadn't had him trembling from the start.

When he fell onto his knees he knew it had nothing to do with the wind that howled around him.

The tears were running down his face freely now, the hot drops mixed with the icy water brought to his cheeks by the storm. He pressed his chin against his chest and buried his fingers even deeper in his hair, as if he'd been trying to block the reality from getting to him; but to no avail.

Probably because it already had.

He tried to scream for the last time, trusting he could at least let out some of the pain and frustration in this way, the emotions he could not fight otherwise. But his voice caught in his throat, and the scream stayed within him; cutting and burning, wounding him like no villain ever could.

Was it the price for his stubbornness, for his decision to deny the truth that was standing right before him?

And if he accepted that truth, would the pain go away?

"But I can't!" he choked between his sobs. "She doesn't want me to know who she is. And I don't wish to know against her will. And I can't – I can't – I can't -

I can't take it if she's who I think she is.

"The honest, considerate classmate I've been blessed to meet myself."

There was no fooling himself anymore. Even if she hadn't said anything else – if she'd skipped the part about her clumsiness or the mentions of the way she stuttered when near him – that sentence alone would have been enough to make the truth as plain as a day to him. And it had; he could spend the rest of his life crouched on this roof, battling the obvious and refusing to accept that fact in the same way he'd been doing until now and it still wouldn't have changed a thing.

He didn't need any details. No more personal information, no suggestions, no clues. All he needed was implied in that one, short, simple line:

Ladybug was his classmate.

He knew exactly which one.

#my writing #fanfiction #mlb #ladynoir #adrienette #miraculous ladybug #ladybug #chat noir

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allisondraste · 5 years

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Convalescence (1/5)

Chapter 1: Worst Person in the World

Summary: It has been four months since the Blight ended, and four months since Alistair and Lucia have seen each other. Relationships are hard, especially when there is no certainty that one still exists. (Sequel to "Let Me Go")

Pairings: Alistair x F!Amell, Alistair x F!Non-Warden Cousland, Nathaniel Howe x F!Non-Warden Cousland

[AO3 LINK]

The darkspawn had all but vanished from the Fereldan countryside, their retreat harkened by the defeat of the archdemon months earlier. Only straggler bands remained, cropping up on the roads from time to time, terrifying travelers. Even in smaller groups than the massive horde that had swarmed to the surface during the Blight, they were ruthless and deadly. That did not even account for the pale eyes, skin that looked as if it were too loose, and the breath that would put a mabari to shame. Alistair observed the latter as he finished off the last of group of genlocks that had been plaguing one of the main roads leading into Denerim. It laughed maliciously, baring a mouthful of pointed teeth, even as he sank his blade deep into its chest. Disgusting .

It wasn’t the most enjoyable job, but it was something to keep his hands - and more importantly, his mind - busy. For a time, he had been able to focus on cleaning up the mess that had been Denerim in the aftermath of the battle. However, the city had more or less returned to normal, and he was left with little to do except think about all the ways in which his life was worse since the Blight had ended. Sure, he wasn’t out in the fray of things, risking his life on a daily basis, but without the distraction he felt restless and empty. Peace wasn’t as great as everyone made it out to be.

As he returned to Denerim, the comforting bustle of midday surrounded him. There was a sense of contentment and comfort that he had only noticed in the past few weeks. It seemed that peace was only disappointing to him, as the people of Denerim thrived in the absence of battle and hardship. Of course they did. Only crazy people like him longed for conflict. It was all he knew, after all. Alistair laughed bitterly and headed toward the palace district.

Queen Anora had so graciously allowed him to stay in the palace, even after he had made a fool of himself demanding that her father be executed. Of course, that had not happened, and the former Teyrn was spending his days in the dungeons now. It was a fair compromise, and one that Alistair was grateful had happened after the fact. Killing Loghain wouldn’t have brought back Duncan or the other wardens, no matter how much he blamed the man for their deaths. Lucia had been right, as she usually was.

Lucia. His chest tightened and ached at the thought of her. He longed for the day he could think about her without that happening, if it were even possible. If it weren’t, well… then, he would just have to stop thinking about her. Simple. Right?

Prepared to descend into the dark places where he kept thoughts of their relationship, such as it was, Alistair reached the palace. As he pushed through the heavy wooden doors, he was torn from his thoughts by a voice, shouting from across the large, open hall. He looked up to see a beautiful woman with long, red-blonde hair, braided loosely over her shoulder waving and walking in his direction. Elissa Cousland .

“Hey! You’re back,” she remarked cheerfully, her silvery voice echoing in his ears, “How fare the darkspawn?”

“Oh, you know, same old, same old. They were very upset that you never write them anymore.” He laughed and raised his eyebrows, a playful gesture.

“Well, we didn’t exactly leave things on good terms, did we? What with the Blight and all.” She crossed her arms and shifted her weight from one hip to the other, not that he was paying attention to her hips, or anything like that.

“That’s what I tried to tell them, but they weren’t having it, so...I had to kill them,” he answered with a shrug, watching her large, brown eyes search his face for something, though he didn’t know what she hoped to find. It certainly wouldn’t be the sadness he had hidden away behind the jokes. That was an expertise of his, honed over twenty-one years of pretending he wasn’t falling apart on the inside. Still, he mentally wished her luck.

“Seriously, though, did it go smoothly,” she asked, when she was reasonably satisfied that he wasn’t hiding a frown somewhere. “Are you all right?” Her voice was heavy with concern, and she began to scan his body for injuries. It was more flattering than it was uncomfortable, though he still wished she would stop.

“Pfft, a few darkspawn hurt me?” He tilted his head upward and crossed his arms in feigned offense. “Never.”

“Oh really?” A sharp pain burned in his forearm as she tugged at it. “Then what is this?” He looked down to see an large gash across his arm. There was only a trickle of blood, however, it seemed that the genlock had used a blade coated with poison, as there were green burns around the wound’s edges. Fabric clung to the wound, effectively stopping most of the bleeding. Damn, that was going to hurt later. How had he not noticed that one?

“Oh that? Just a scratch,” he laughed it off, pretending it didn’t bother him that he hadn’t even been able to keep his thoughts straight long enough to look down at his own arm. Duncan would have scolded him. Lucia would have scolded him. Part of him hoped that Elissa would scold him too.

“You’ll think ‘just a scratch’ when that poison rots half your arm off,” she lectured, almost as if on cue. “We need to get you to the nurse.”

“If you insist,” he answered, as she all but dragged him down the hall toward the castle’s infirmary. She was stronger than he would have guessed.

Elissa, or “Liss” as she insisted he call her, had been staying in the palace for nearly as long as he had. As the youngest of the Cousland children, she had taken it upon herself to work in Denerim to repair the political damage dealt by Howe and Loghain, while her brother served as Teyrn of Highever. She was warm, witty, and smarter than him - everything he would have expected a Fereldan noblewoman to be without the sharp edges and annoying formality. She and Alistair had developed a friendship in the few months that she had been in the city. She listened to him and made him laugh at a time when he strongly considered throwing himself into the nearest lake on a daily basis. Her company was comforting, and at moments she made him forget that his world had fallen apart.

Cringing as pieces of the shirt that had served as an unwanted bandage were cut and peeled away, Alistair hissed a handful of curses that apparently offended the Andrastian nurse, causing her to work more roughly. Liss stood beside him, her hand resting casually on his shoulder, an attempt to comfort him that would have worked better if she were not also stifling laughter that was undoubtedly in response to the swearing. He didn’t even use the worst one’s he knew. Those were for special occasions.

“So Liss, you’re from Highever,” he spoke while the nurse continued to work, crushing the ingredients of an antidote into one of those bowls apothecaries used. The name escaped him at the moment, but he remembered watching Lucia use one. He would ask her questions about the ingredients, and she would explain. She always hated when he said it, but she would have been a wonderful mentor had she stayed at the Circle. He shook his head, remembering he had started a conversation and that he needed to listen.

“What gave it away: The last name or the fact that my brother is the Teyrn?”

“You know what I mean.” A grunt escaped him when the dark green antidote touched his open wound.

“Yes, I happen to be quite familiar with Highever,” she stated proudly, “What of it?”

“I’ve just been meaning to go for a while now,” Alistair explained, relief washing over him when the nurse began to bandage the wound. It was almost over. “My friend Duncan was from there. He died in the battle at Ostagar, and I want to make a trip to honor him.

“I remember Duncan. He visited from time to time looking for recruits,” Liss explained, a wistful sound to her voice, “I begged to leave with him the last time he came by, but Papa wouldn’t have it.”

“Probably for the best.” He offered her an apologetic smile before looking down at his feet.

“Probably so.”

There was a long and heavy pause in the conversation, made only slightly less uncomfortable by the sound of the nurse’s humming. She tied the bandage so tightly that Alistair’s heartbeat throbbed underneath it.

“There you go, young man,” the nurse announced suddenly, and Alistair jumped slightly, “That should do the trick. Try not to move it around too much until the antidote dries.”

He nodded and stood, thanking her for her time, to which she replied with a good-natured smile before walking away to tend to a guard who entered with a broken arm. Liss moved to examine the wrappings as if she did not trust the nurse’s work, but she did not appear to find fault with them.

“You’ll also want to keep it clean,” she asserted, her gaze soft under serious eyebrows, “You wouldn’t want it to get infected.”

“I know how to tend a wound, thank you very much ,” he snapped, uncomfortable with her concern for him. Although, he figured she would assume he was annoyed.

“I just-,” she began, but threw her hands up in frustration, “Nevermind.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, making sure to smile and meet her gaze to show he was sincere, “ I know you’re just worried about me… I appreciate it. Really.” He bent over to pick up his glove and leather bracer the nurse had removed as she treated him. He examined the corroded cut in the leather and sighed. They were his favorite pair, but he would hate to see what his arm would have looked like had he not worn them.

Alistair and Liss exited the infirmary and walked down the hallway in less-than-comfortable silence. He had learned from experience that sometimes silence was better than trying to force words, especially when those words made him look like and idiot, an arse, or both.

Liss surprised him by speaking first. That never happened to him.

“You know, I could got to Highever with you… if you wanted.” She looked down at the ground, a self-conscious gesture he had yet to see from the typically confident woman, “I haven’t seen Fergus in a while. I’d like to meet that new woman of his and see if she’s up to my exceptionally high standards.”

He froze, flashes of a conversation with Lucia just days after Ostagar. She barely knew him at the time, but offered to make the trip to Highever with him anyway. Duncan had been important to her, too. It felt wrong to go without her, let alone to take someone else instead. Then again, Lucia wasn’t there, was she? She had been gone for almost four months, and she hadn’t even written. Not once. He didn’t know if she was safe or even alive, at this point. Considering the way she left, he didn’t even know if she still cared about him. It wasn’t her fault that she had literal demons to deal with, but that didn’t ease the pain. It was a strange mix of heartache and anger that made his chest collapse in on itself. He loved her more than he ever thought it was possible to love another person, but he wasn’t sure that he could continue to hold out hope that she would come back to him. It would hurt so much less if he could move on.

“You okay, Ali?” Liss’ soft voice broke though his daze. He blinked his eyes a few times, focusing his vision, and hummed in response. “You’ve been staring off into the distance and scowling for a while now. Far past the minute I usually allow you when I ask you a question.”

“Very funny,” he quipped and pushed her away playfully in an attempt to recover the shield of humor he liked to hide behind, only to decide that deflection was a lost cause at this point, ”But, uh, yes. I’m fine. I was just...well, I was -.” He broke off, not sure what to say next.

“What is it?” Her eyebrows pressed together in concern and she touched his shoulders gently. “Is something wrong?”

“Have I told you about Lucia?” He laughed nervously and tried to look anywhere but her eyes. “I don’t think I have.” He knew he hadn’t. Not talking about her was an active decision on his part.

“Lucia, the Hero of Ferelden? That Lucia?” Liss seemed offended that he assumed she did not know who the Hero of Ferelden was, but that wasn’t what he meant.

“Yes, uh, that would be be the one.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “She and I, well, we had planned to go to Highever together a long time ago, but obviously she’s not here now.”

“Where is she?”

“ Amaranthine .”

“Ah.” The bitterness must have stuck to his words because Liss’ tone changed. “I don’t have to go if it upsets you. I just thought I would offer.”

“I- no. You should come,” he answered, words leaving his lips before he had time to think about them. Still, he didn’t want to go alone, and he refused to let guilt dictate his decision.

“I don’t want to spoil your trip,” Liss answered in a mix of concern and excitement.

“You? Spoil something? Never,” he insisted, “Please come. I could use the company.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” Her caution was probably warranted considering his erratic behavior.

“Of course,” he assured her, “Want to leave first thing in the morning?”

“Well,” she began, tapping a finger to her chin in thought, “That doesn’t leave me much time for my beauty sleep.” A mischievous grin spread across her face, her eyes glittering with amusement.

“Well, you don’t need it anyway.” Sweet maker , what was wrong with him? He scolded himself for his indiscreet tongue. Perhaps he would have to cut it out, devote himself to Astyth the Grey. That would be a first for the Silent Sisters. He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked up at Liss. Her eyes were wider than usual and she blushed.

“I, uh, guess I will… see you in the morning, then.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” He smiled politely, and then turned to head to his room, cursing himself with each step. He looked back over his shoulder to see Liss still standing there, watching him walk away. She was lovely, and he was the worst person in the world.

#dragon age #dragon age origins #alistair theirin #warden x alistair #alistair x amell #alistair x cousland #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #hurt/comfort

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thequeenofcronuts · 5 years

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Uncertainties - A Royal Romance AU Story Chapter 3 No Rest for the Wicked

Uncertainties- AU The Royal Romance

Uncertainties main location Silicon Valley California.

AU Summary - Career life is busy for a group of six friends when they meet a captivating woman with a beautiful soul. New friendships are forged and new romances revealed. All the while hearts are torn and closets are cleared of skeletons. True love always wins in the end, right?

AU Warnings - This Stand Alone will include the following 18+ subjects: Language, NS*W, Verbal Abuse, and Abortion. If ANY of these subjects will cause pain or hardship in reading, please skip reading Uncertainties. That being said, each chapter will include its own specific warnings.

AU Uncertainties Pairings and Characters: Pairings and Characters: Drake x Riley / Liam x Riley / Liam x Olivia / Drake x Olivia / Maxwell x Savannah, including Hana, and Madeleine, and OCs

Chapter 3 Summary - What made Madeleine, Madeleine?

Chapter 3 Warnings - None

Chapter Word Count: 1,590

**All characters from the Choices Book: The Royal Romance are owned by Pixelberry Studios (Any other characters are the product of my brain…I probably should apologize now. 🙃😉)

—————

Madeleine’s First Grade Class Play

“Maddie, again from your first line.” Madeleine's father urges his daughter.

Stomping her foot Madeleine replies, “But father, I can't do this anymore. Amanda and the other girls went to the playground. Why can't I go with them?” Madeleine’s father has been drilling her on her lines for the upcoming school play while Maddie is invited by her friends after school to play everyday, and everyday she is told no.

“Madeleine dear, you know your mother wants you to be perfect in this play. We can't embarrass your mother, can we now?”

“But father, I want to play. Katie said at school today we can't be friends if I don't play with her anymore.” Madeleine’s little tears begin to fall as her father’s heart aches for his child. Unfortunately, during this exchange, Madeleine’s mother walks by her room.

“Madeleine, I have told you everyday that the more you whine the more you will practice. You can't possibly be memorizing your lines through your consistent refusal. You will not embarrass me in front of the entire school in which three generations have attended. Do you understand, my daughter?” Her mother scolds with a cold, stern tone.

Madeleine, with arms behind her back, looks down at her feet and replies “Yes.”

“Try that again. Eyes on me this time. And for heavens sake stand up straight.” As more tears fall, Madeleine looks up to her mother.

“Yes, ma’am. I understand that I will not embarrass us in front of the family's alma mater.”

Pointing at Madeleine before she turns on her heel, “Good. Remember that before you whine again.” Madeleine begins to recite the last words she was working on, as her father follows his wife, Allison, into the hallway.

“Allison, she's only in first grade. Our friends all have children Maddie knows and could be playing with. Let her enjoy this time with her first grade and pre-school friends. I know we talked about how important this is, but everyday Madeleine is forgetting things due to the pressure we are putting on her. She needs at least a break.”

“Richard, you’re correct in that we’ve spoken about this before, but you are incorrect when you tell me she needs a break. What Madeleine needs is to get her lines correct. I work each day so you can stay at home with her since you think a nanny is inappropriate. I make that sacrifice, you will be sure she is perfect in this play.”

————— Madeleine, Age 16

“Mother, I don't like him. Why must I be dating him?” Madeleine asks her while stomping her foot.

“Madeleine, quit acting like a spoiled child. You are dating him because he is currently in line for valedictorian and you are for salutatorian. You are dating him because he is the most accomplished son of the most important family friend of ours. You are dating him because I tell you to do so. No more talking about this!” Madeleine slams the front door on her way out of the house.

Twenty minutes later she’s in an argument with her boyfriend Kyle. “I’m done Kyle, were done. I can't remember the last time we went on a date where you didn't leave me to be with your friends. Then you pick me up and suck up to my mother when you drop me off at home like we're actually on a date? No more.”

“Fine Madeleine, except you know we can't breakup. Trust me, I would have broken up with you ages ago. Your mother and my father will kill us if we ever did.” Kyle now paces. He always paces when he's mad. Meanwhile Madeleine's mind is plotting.

“Kyle, why do they have to know? If they can play games with us, why can't we do so as well?”

“Hmm. Huh, true. It's just a few lies.”

“We'll been seen together in public when the occasion calls for it.”

“And we're done when we go off to college. Madeleine, it's an easy plan. Let's do it.”

Madeleine looks Kyle in the eye as she reaches out her hand out to him. “Shake on it. Deal?”

“Deal.”

————— Madeleine’s Collage Acceptance

“Madeleine, explain to me why I am holding this acceptance letter from the University of South California.” Madeleine’s mother raises the paper into the air while shaking it towards her.

“Simple, mother. I’m attending USC. You know, I’m surprised it took this long for you to find out. You’re loosing your touch.” Madeleine gives a bitter laugh, “You should have snuck into my room much sooner and found this letter.” Madeleine shrugs, “Now it is too late.”

“Hell it is, child! What do mean it's too late?! You can't go if I don't sign the admission papers.”

“Oh, but mother you did. Just like you've signed so many other things you don't know about. You see, mother darling, I perfected your signature quite a while ago.” Madeleine's mother tries to keep her stoic facade, “Is that so, you insolent chid? Well then, do really think you can get away with it this time, once I prove it was you.” Madeleine’s shrill laugh just excites herself more as she looks her mother in the eyes because Madeleine knows she has won.

“Oh mother, mother, mother. That would be problem, except the final paperwork was notarized and also signed by ‘Kyle’s’ mother as the witness. You have friends, well I have friends too. Friends that want out from under their parents thumb as just as much as I do. It's amazing the plans our little group is able to execute. We simply learned from the best, our parents. You should be proud.” Madeleine scoffs as she folds her arms in front of her, while her mother finally loses her composure and throws the nearest vase to the floor.

“Then share with me your perfect plan to pay for four years at a university which you cannot afford since I will cut you off from any financial support, dearest.” Her mother takes an aggressive step forward, accentuated by the crunch of the glass.

“Oh, mother. Just a few minutes ago you called me a child. I do believe eighteen is considered an adult, correct? Fortunately for me my trust fund from farther’s parents only required me to be eighteen on withdrawal. You know how much they left me, more than I need for this, actually. I thank you and father so much for signing the funds over to me.” Now Madeleine takes a step towards her mother.

“Your father wouldn't dare.”

“You are correct, but” as she speaks Madeleine rolls her eyes. “really mother think through this. If I can forge your signature what about father’s and others…” Madeleine trails off.

“You couldn't without us actually being at the bank. It's impossible!” Madeleine takes another step toward her mother, with a smug smile.

“I guess we children have outsmarted the masters. See, wielding your name everywhere whilst demanding the same kind of special treatment your…” Madeleine pauses as she looks for the word, “….flavor of speech to those below you majorly worked against you. Karma's a bitch, isn't she. It was too easy. Just a notarized letter from you and father, an unsuspecting newer bank employee, and the promise of your wrath so easily did the trick.” Smirking, Madeleine continues.

“You remember the account you opened for the transferring of funds to me as payment for following along with your schemes? Well once the trust funds were transferred into that account, I wired them to a new account. A new account I opened at a different bank in SoCal where you don't know anyone. Banks just make opening accounts online so easy these days.” Madeleine shrugs and walks past her mother looking over her shoulder with a wide grin, stopping when just behind her.

“So, Mother dearest, thank you for teaching me these life ‘lessons’ I’ll take with me wherever I go.” Madeleine’s mother stands in shock as her daughter turns to give her a sarcastically loving pat on her shoulder.

“Oh, and mother dearest, you may want to look over some of the changes you faxed your lawyer in your upcoming divorce from Daddy. Again, it's amazing the hoops and laws your friends will break when threatened by ‘you’.”

————— Madeleine’s Freshman Year at USC - End of Fall Term

Madeleine just finished her last final exam when she walks to her dorm room to find mismatched boxes in the hallway in front of her room. A smirk crosses her face as she sees her roommate furiously packing up all her belongs.

“Madeleine, I can't take being around you as you design all your plots while your little henchmen, er, hench-girls, fall at your feet. I’ve been a target way too many times as well.”

Madeleine’s smug smile is accented by her tone. “Aw, but Kasey, I have had so much fun with you.” Her shrill laugh fills the room. “Although it's true the fun I love most is with my roomie at her expense. None the less, I will be so sad to see you go.” With a new serious tone Madeleine continues. “Ugh, a new roommate to break in now.”

“Except, Madeleine,” Kasey flashes a winning smile, “no one will room with you.” Once again, Madeleine's shrill laughs fills the room.

“Oh Kasey, Kasey, Kasey, even better. That's one goal I’ve been working toward. Think of the things I can plan now that I'm alone.”

“You know what, Madeleine? Someday all your skims will catch up you. The wicked never truly find rest.”

Tags - @client-327 @dcbbw @carabeth @drakensworld @purplegreyshrimp @ownworldresident

It's been ages! Sorry! This is the last tag list I have for Uncertainties. If you would like to be removed or added, please just message me. 😊

#the royal romance #trr #trr madeleine #trr gang #trr liam #trr mc #trrfriends #trrgroup

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mermaidsirennikita · 5 years

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January 2019 Book Roundup

New year, new reading challenge, etc. After a decidedly bad start, I found 1) a very fun, very Gothic thriller 2) a sad but well-written YA contemporary about toxic friendships and 3) a fun Holly Black sequel. Not a total loss, then! My favorite book of the month, all things considered, was really probably Holly Black’s The Wicked King--if largely because the ending was exactly what it should have been. On to February! I’ll try to read a bit more romance that month, juuust to rub my own single-ness in a bit more.

Lie to Me by J.T. Ellison. 1/5. Ethan and Sutton seem like they have it all--he’s a famous author, even if he has been struggling with writer’s block for years; she’s a successful romance novelist, though her recent run-in with a nasty reviewer online has tarnished her reputation. Though they were shaken by the loss of their baby, they seem to be getting it together. Until Sutton goes missing, with a note to Ethan warning him to avoid looking for her. I won’t say much more, because you can probably guess the plot here, save for some twists that weren’t really twists because they were only there to shock and made very little sense. This book ripped off Gone Girl to a degree that wasn’t so much capitalizing on the domestic thriller craze as it was literally ripping off Gone Girl. This was just kind of stupid.

Luna and the Lie by Mariana Zapata. 2/5. Luna works at an auto shop, and has for years, while supporting her younger sisters. One of her bosses has become a father figure to her; the other, Ripley (or “Rip”) is the bane of her existence. However, when Luna is invited to her grandmother’s funeral, she is concerned about coming into contact with her estranged family again. In a bid to stay protected, she asks Rip to accompany her--which leads to her keeping a secret for him. Honestly, I don’t even feel like I can properly give this a review because it just kind of bounced off of me. I don’t mind a simple, even kind of dumb plot as long as I’m enjoying myself, and I just wasn’t here. But someone else might! A Zapata book’s enjoyability, I’ve learned, lives and dies on whether or not you’re into the male lead. Rip was like...................... the opposite of my type. So it didn’t work for me.

The Au Pair by Emma Rous. 4/5. On the day that Seraphine and her twin brother, Danny, were born, their mother Ruth flung herself from the cliffs outside their ancestral home of Summerbourne. Shortly after the death of their father twenty-five years later, Seraphine discovers a photo taken on the day of her birth, before Ruth died--but in it, Ruth is holding only one baby. Increasingly obsessed with the truth behind her past, Seraphine seeks out Laura, the au pair employed by her parents before the twins were born. But the more Laura avoids her, the clearer it becomes that what happened that day at Summerbourne may be worse than Seraphine imagined. This book is ALL about the atmosphere. It’s got a Gothic vibe, with the characters’ obsession with family and Summerbourne adding this super creepy edge to everything. I can’t say that the plot is especially fantastic--I did see the ending coming, and I can’t say that much here was super revolutionary. But the tone? A+.

The Wicked King by Holly Black. 4/5. In the sequel to The Cruel Prince, Jude has now had control of Cardan, the new High King, for five months. This makes her the true power behind the throne--but her relationship with Cardan is not an easy alliance. Struggling with her attraction to Cardan, Jude is warned that someone close to her is a traitor; and in order to keep her power, she must uncover that person’s identity as soon as possible. This book was so dependent on the love-hate dynamic between Jude and Cardan working. And oh, it does. The tension between them simmers. Their dynamic is easily the most compelling part of the book. And the rest is good, too--I’m not one of those people that thinks Black has reinvented the wheel regarding the fairy thing in YA... because she hasn’t. But this was *fun*, and I enjoyed it. I could do without some of the cringey aspects of Black’s fairies (I refuse to call them faeries). Overall, however, I’m really excited for the next book--the ending really sealed this one.

White Stag by Kara Barbieri. 2/5. Janneke has lived in servitude to the goblin Soren for nearly a century, given to him by his wicked uncle, Lydian. Just as she realizes that her humanity is slowly eroding, the Erlking dies, leaving a power vacuum. Determined to keep Lydian from ascending to the throne, Janneke joins Soren in the hunt for the White Stag--the future king’s source of power--and along the way struggles with coming to terms with both her past trauma and her uncertain future. This book has a great premise, but is bogged down by a lack of worldbuilding and slow pacing. It just couldn’t keep my attention, despite the fact that I am an admitted sucker for sexy goblin books (HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE). Furthermore, although I appreciated Janneke’s trauma and the fact that she still hadn’t come to terms with it, something about the way it was handled felt rather clumsy? Well-intended and not exploitative, but... yes, clumsy. I wouldn’t be against trying something else by Barbieri as I think she has potential, but the pacing ultimately killed a lot of my interest in this one.

Our Year of Maybe by Rachel Lynn Solomon. 4/5. Sophie and Peter have been best friends since childhood; and Peter has been sick the whole time. Now that she’s turned eighteen, Sophie is donating her kidney to Peter; and she secretly hopes that this will be the catalyst for the change in their relationship that she’s long wanted. But after the transplant, Peter is different--he’s free for the first time in his life. Free to pursue new interests, a life separate from Sophie--and Chase, a boy he likes. As Sophie and Peter grow apart--both struggling with guilt and gratitude--they find themselves forced to define a relationship that may be growing toxic. First off, I love the way that Solomon writes her characters. They’re so real and flawed and sometime straight-up assholes. I also love that Peter is bi and this is just kind of a part of him--but a part he’s never really been able to explore, due to his illness. There’s a lot at play here, and neither Sophie nor Peter get a villain edit, which is refreshing. They just... are incredibly codependent. And there is a good deal of attraction going on there, which adds to the complexity of what they’re dealing with. And really, neither of them have ever had anyone else to lean on outside of family. This book is basically just digging in to Sophie and Peter’s relationship; outside of that, there isn’t too much plot. But that? Is really good. Is it quite as good as Solomon’s debut, “You’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone”? Not really. But God, she’s a breath of fresh air in YA contemporary.

Echo North by Joanna Ruth Meyer. 3/5. After hardship debilitates his family, Echo’s father journeys out to sell his wares. Echo finds him lost in the woods, at the mercy of the very same wolf that scarred her years before. The wolf gives Echo an offer: if she spends a year in his home, her father will be set free. Taking the deal, Echo finds herself in an ever-changing house full of living books and secret rooms, with the wolf as her constant companion. He sleeps in her room at night, with only one rule: she must never light the candle to look at him in the dark. As you can imagine, this is an “East of the Sun, West of the Moon” retelling. And there were so many things I loved about it. The writing style is super pretty, exactly what you’d want from a fairy tale. Furthermore, Meyer plays with some really interesting concepts that I hadn’t seen before. But... I never was as emotionally attached as I wanted to be. Nothing really surprised me. I’d like to see what she does next, but I do think she needs to work a bit on character development and emotional intensity.

#book roundup #reading roundup #books #book recs

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sabulana · 7 years

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now that i’m caught up on Gotham, i needed to rant and vent a bit about it

mostly about oswald and ivy

because ugh what the hell

so here goes

(also this might make no sense because i’ve only watched the new episodes once each and it’s been a couple days so i’m probably missing details/getting things wrong because memory is not perfect, and also my brain keeps jumping all over the place)

i get that oswald is an ass to pretty much everyone, but he and ivy were getting along at the end of season 3. they had a couple issues at the start of their friendship but oswald was making an effort, i think, and they were planning his iceberg lounge stuff together. he even had her there when he froze edward, which was an important moment for him. she had no purpose in being there. victor did the freezing, oswald did the villain monologue/victory speech thing, and ivy.... stood and watched. so i fully believe that she was only there because oswald wanted her there.

so what happened since then? surely she’s had time to get used to him being an ass and a drama queen, and he’s had time to get used to her being a bit clueless, because she’s still technically a child. she may have been aged physically but as far as i can tell she’s not aged mentally, so she’s still a teenager despite her outward appearance right now. point is, they’ve had time to get usedd to each other and learn how to interact without pissing each other off (i will let the incident in bab’s new place slide because ivy’s offering to negotiate with oswald’s enemies which is goddamn stupid)

and i need to see how oswald reacted to finding out she turned the lights off in the club, because surely he would find that out.

honestly, i don’t think we’re seeing enough of these two. i need more justification for the way they seem to be breaking up the freak family this early on.

if it’s just to give her an excuse to drink those potions and do her little transformation thing, there are other motives. maybe she wants to be stronger to be more useful to oswald, or help him out in a certain way or something. or protect him from getting attacked with the fear serum again or whatever. she doesn’t have to be against him to want to be a stronger, better version of herself.

BUT it’s not like she’s helpless anyway, thanks to her perfumes. she could already be powerful in her own right, so why isn’t she using resources she already has? she could learn from oswald how to run things, but she’s got her perfumes to control people and i don’t doubt that she can make poisons as well, because so many every day plants are poisonous. i took a trip through the alnwick poison gardens once, pointing out all the things my gran had in her back garden, so the potential is always there.

i’ve got the suspicion now that it’s going to by ivy letting edward out of the ice to get back at oswald. :/

aaaand moving on to other things.

my god do i wish jim would let lee go. just. move the fuck on. it’s past the point of being healthy now. i mean, i guess they still have things they never talked about. i mean, they never seem to address the fact that they were going to have a child when jim was in blackgate and she just left ...which she has a habit of doing, i guess, since she just did the same thing after the tetch incident. it’s broguht up in the hallucination, but it’s something they really should have just talked out. they both grieved for that unborn baby.

jim needs to get over her and start kissing oswald *coughs*

and the part where jim’s biggest fear related to lee, because of course it is. :| get over her please. move the fuck on. this isn’t healthy, jim.

idk i like lee??? sort of??? but i’m sick of jim’s relationship drama with her. let him be single, damn it! let them work out their issues and be better apart. :/

also i think jim got over the fear juice way too easily. i need to see the ramifications of what he saw, what he had to face. how he reacted in private, knowing that the gcpd - that harvey - let him go into that nightmare alone.

also his fear is a total let down. everyone else is freaking for the fuck out and jim just gets to listen to lee spout her ‘you’re a virus, you destroy everything you touch’ stuff and then die with her wrists slit or something (also it shouldn’t bother me but i was told one ‘you go up the street not across the road’ in terms of how to slit your wrists and commit suicide successfully and hers are definitely ‘across the road’ type cuts.. :| i’m sorry, but that’s the kind of people i was friends with in college. the kind of people that say if you do it the 'wrong’ way, you’re just attention-seeking. .....this is for another time though, perhaps.)

thing is... jim in this... he’s portrayed as someone who’s never seen hardship, who thinks you can just power through everything but the fact is that through tetch’s hypnosis, we’ve seen him almost kill himself - and that’s something that he wouldn’t have been convinced to do if he hadn’t already wanted to do it, at least on some level. :/

also i’m so pissed with the gcpd for abandoning jim yet again. i understand why harvey stayed behind - he can’t go against the rest of the gcpd without losing their support. if he’s their captain, then he needs that support just to keep things functioning. though i’ve seen that screenshot going around of the ‘captain james gordon’ name on the door so now i’m curious as to how that comes about, and how the rest of the gcpd handles that, because if jim can’t win them all over to his side, he’s going to have a hell of a hard time.

final note before i wrap this up:

barbara. oh my god barbara.

first i need to know who’s funding her, because as tabitha pointed out, she’s supposed to be dead, and as oswald pointed out, she had nothing. so how has she been able to afford to set up the way she has?

and also would like to know how she met them, her recovery after the fight with tabitha and so on, but i guess i’ll have to be patient and wait, because i’m sure the show will reveal who’s backing her eventually.

i was getting sick of barbara in the last season, but now i’m intrigued enough to want to see what they’re going to do with her now. but also i’m less fussed about her than i am about oswald and ivy, and jim.

now i’m just sick of tabitha, who i was already done with after she literally got away with murdering oswald’s mother. ugh.

i’m sick of writing this stuff now. i’m tired and i want to finish my new fanmix and go to bed. if anyone has any input though, i’ll be interested to read it. :)

#gotham #season 4 #fandom venting #jim gordon #oswald cobblepot #ivy pepper #penguin #harvey bullock #ugh i'm too tired now #i have so many feelings about this new season that it's wearing me out #i barely even touched on jim and oswald #i should talk about them more #and jonathon #because i have feelings about him too #and arkham in general #and the representation of mental illness and how it's treated...

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themagicwemade13 · 7 years

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DEAR TAYLOR

Just a little glimpse into how you’ve helped shape who I am @taylorswift  Tim McGraw was the first song I ever heard by Taylor Swift. I hadn’t really been a fan of country music so I found Taylor through a friend at the time who was obsessed with country and told me she thought this was a song and artist I’d really like. Boy was she right. The peacefulness of the song and her soft voice I think is what originally attracted me to it. Then the lyrics. Man. The entire song is a masterpiece. It was one of the first songs in my life that I genuinely related to. I was a junior in high school (I’m now 7 months away from 27) and I had a thing for a boy and the lyrics just really hit me. It’s so true how teenage boys (and let’s face it boys now who haven’t turned into men) try and woo girls by giving them such romantic compliments and it was something I had experienced myself. It had been a little after Taylor released her debut album that I heard that song, so I went and bought the whole CD as soon as I heard it. I immediately found comfort in every song in different ways. Teardrops on my guitar was related to the same crush I had who noticed me, but didn’t 100% return the attraction, he kept me on a string and hanging for so long. Cold As You and The Outside meant so much to my 16 year old self. The boy I liked had some kind of vendetta against girls in general and just sabotaged me in ways that I never experienced. Spreading lies and rumors to keep his pride when things ended between us. And I never felt someone as cold as that, but I still managed to get reeled into it again and again because I had the nerve to adore him. The Outside related to this same situation because I kept hearing whispers behind my back and people were talking and I just wanted to belong without this shadow of lies and what I thought was heartbreak hovering over me. Our Song and I’m Only Me When I’m With You were songs I related to almost a year later when I had my first “real” relationship in high school and I was just so happy. That’s how Taylor was the soundtrack to my high school years, and we related and grew together trying to fit in with the hardships of life and love. When Fearless came out I was a hardcore fan, I was so excited and looking forward to the release of this album. I had a really terrible breakup with the high school boyfriend, graduated high school, and went on to college but I was still heartbroken over what I thought at the time was my first love (at 26 I can now see that 100% was not love, just infatuation, but at the time it felt like it). Even though I was now 18, the song Fifteen really hit me like a ton of bricks, but in a good way, if that’s possible. Like most people it made me reminisce on those years of learning and growing and thinking I was in love but knowing there was that possibility and probability of heartbreak. “when all you wanted was to be wanted, wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now” is something I related to for awhile. But as I learned and grew I now know going back and changing things would lead me to a different path then I’m on today. And I love my life (in most ways) today. The part about Abigail towards the end really hit me too. I understood it all too well. So many of those songs I related to a breakup and they helped me heal and come to terms with things. And now years later STILL relate to those songs but in a different way. Some of the songs I relate to in a way that’s not romantic. And that’s how Taylor was the soundtrack to the end of my teenage years and the start of growing up into a woman. Speak Now came out when I had transferred colleges from PA to FL. I was about 2 months into my move to FL when it came out and I immediately fell in love with that CD just as I had the others. I hadn’t really been able to relate the songs to any circumstances in my life at that point because I was single and in a new city not knowing many people, but that all changed. I met a boy about a month after that CD came out and songs like Mine, Sparks Fly, and Enchanted became all I could listen to. The boy and I quickly got into a relationship and just as quickly things took a turn for the worse. Cheating, lies, and drug/alcohol/physical abuse were soon things that I was experiencing for the first time. Things that I never even thought in my worst nightmares would happen to me. But I was already reeled in. I thought that I was in love with this person, and he made me feel like I was unworthy for anything more than what he was giving me, so I stayed. And then, songs like Dear John, Mean, and The Story of Us were my anthems. The one positive outcome of that entire time in my life was that I came out of it with 3 lifelong friends. Long Live was a song that I constantly played when I couldn’t bear to think about any of the heartbreaking things I was going through. Those 3 girls who were my best friends got me through all of it. And that song will forever relate back to them. I’m not as close with 2 of them anymore but I know that we will always have each other’s backs no matter where life takes us. I didn’t go back to Florida after things happened with the boy I thought I loved, and so the line “Long live all the magic we made” resonated so deeply with me, because I knew all those beautiful, wonderful, enchanting memories with my 3 best friends would never be erased by the darkness I had experienced during that time. I went on to get a tattoo of that exact lyric on my shoulder and to this day it’s my favorite one (out of 12). It reminds me every day that even in the darkest of times you can still let light into your life. And because of that song and those friends, I will always think fondly of my time in Florida as opposed to remembering it as a nightmare (which I could easily do). That is how Taylor was the soundtrack to the hardest time I’ve ever gone through in my entire life. Two years later, you guessed it, Red came out. I was still a little bit (okay a lot) broken from some of the experiences I had gone through in the past couple of years. I Knew You Were Trouble made me feel so much less alone in all that I had experienced. In the past I had thought I was INSANE for staying with that nightmare of a person, and yea, maybe I was, but I felt ashamed because I couldn’t just switch my feelings off after he had done horrible things. That song made me feel ok about my decisions because I knew there was at least one person out there (Taylor) who felt the way I did. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together was another good one for me and made me happy because I was finally at that point in my life where I had power over my choices and turned away someone who was bad for me. All Too Well, which to this day is tied with Long Live for my all time favorite song, was one that brought out every emotion I didn’t know I had. That song, perfectly described feelings and situations to the T that I had personally experienced. From leaving the scarf that he still has, to referencing the song Sweet Disposition which had been a favorite of mine during that time in my life, to your mother telling stories about you, and dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light. From asking for (what he thought was) too much, to running scared and casual cruelty, and completely and utterly losing myself to that person, and so much more, I will never be able to find the words to thank Taylor for writing that song. I’m tearing up writing this now, just thinking about where I might be if I hadn’t had that song to comfort me when I needed it. I’m a strong person, so I know I would’ve gotten through these struggles with or without Taylor, but I may be here today feeling a lot more alone with unresolved feelings. But thanks to her and her lyrics and therapy, I am happy. And that is how Taylor was the soundtrack to me getting through what I thought was unrepairable and helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel. During the course of the 2 years before 1989 came out, aka the Red era, I felt more connected to Taylor then ever before. I felt like we had been through most of the same experiences or some variation of them, and we were both building ourselves back up and finding who we were. The spring of 2014 after dropping out of college a couple years prior, and working at a dead end job, I decided to find my true passion and go to beauty school. I graduated 4 months later in July of 2014 and felt happier and more me than I had ever felt in my entire life. I finally felt HAPPY to be by myself, on the journey of my new path in life, done with all the drama of the past (which is way more than I wrote about here) and I just felt whole again. And then Shake It Off came out and it just reiterated the fact that me and Taylor were on the same page. We both shook off the troubles and hardships of the past and came out on the other side of being a girl, as women who were happy to be who they truly were and happy to be alive and nurturing friendships and family and just HAPPY in general. And then 1989 came out. And it expressed ideas of freedom and loving yourself and even though there were still hardships expressed throughout the album, to me it resembled growth and letting go and knowing that the dark times wouldn’t last forever. Every one of those songs makes me happy. Clean was a song didn’t necessarily help me through things because I had moved past them already, but it was a song that made me understand things even more. And once again helped me relate to Taylor and just moving on from the past. And it is an anthem I would scream from the mountain tops if I could. During the very beginning of the 1989 era I was in a new relationship after a couple years of finding myself: This was different from all the rest. You Are In Love means so much to me because it was the first love song that I related to a love that was actually good for me. This love that I’m talking about is someone I’m still together with to this day, and someone who loves every single part of me. After 3 years of love, light and laughter we live together and our bond is stronger than ever. And this song describes everything I feel so perfectly. And that is how Taylor has been the soundtrack to me finally being happy and loving myself without expecting or even wanting the approval of ANYONE except myself. I hope someday I get the chance to tell her how much she has affected my life in such a positive way. I know  I’m FAR from the only person here with a story of how Taylor has impacted their lives. I hope she knows how important she is to not only me, but every Swiftie in this entire fandom, whether it’s someone who has shared their story, or someone who hasn’t, she has affected all of our lives in ways that none of us ever imagined. So here is my thank you to Taylor, for being the soundtrack to my entire life. I can’t wait to see how Reputation helps me become more of who I am.

#taylor swift #reputation #look what you made me do

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wordcollector · 7 years

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Animated Life Lesson #3: Friendship

Friendship (noun): harmony, accord, understanding, rapport

Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir is fairly new to television, but it’s already made a big splash. The story, set in the grand city of Paris, follows Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste, two teenagers who have the ability to transform into the titular Ladybug and Chat Noir to defeat baddies sent after them by the supervillain Hawkmoth. It may seem like your standard Saturday morning cartoon plot, but it manages to be so much more. The villains are fun and interesting, with unique abilities and costumes, the fight scenes are creative and visually appealing, and there’s actually a love square between the two leads.

Yes, this show has upgraded on the dreaded love triangle to a love square, but it actually only contains two people, Marinette and Adrien; the other two ‘people’ are actually their superhero alter-egos, and the resulting relationship drama is less dramatic than it is hopeful and a bit sad. The two really like each other, yet they don’t know it, thanks to typical teenage embarrassment and the age-old rule that secret identities have to be kept secret.

Romantic subplots aside, Miraculous has plenty of other great things to offer. There’s a diverse cast of characters, the animation is well done, and the use of actual locations in and around Paris makes the show seem more realistic. The premise of the akumas and their ability to give powers to people suffering hardship or dealing with conflict is different than the usual powers granted by a chemical spill or other scientific experiment gone wrong. The resulting villains are therefore just everyday Parisian citizens, and none of them are inherently evil, so their vilification at the hands of Hawkmoth elicits some sympathy.

The audience is often reminded of this point in the way that Ladybug and Chat Noir interact with the villain of the week; they know the villain is someone who has been taken advantage of, and while they resort to physical interaction if necessary, the pair prefer to distract the villain and take whatever object is holding his or her akuma, thus freeing them from Hawkmoth’s thrall without having to hurt a sort-of innocent victim.

It's a different take on taking down a villain, even in the world of cartoons. But for Ladybug and Chat Noir, the villains are often their friends and classmates, and even though our heroes could easily take them down with a straightforward assault, they value their friends and their relationships with them too much to hurt them unnecessarily. And the pair are clever enough to save the day without resorting to violence, so they don’t have to worry about their friends getting hurt.

Friendship in general is an important aspect of this show, both because, as I said, many of Marinette and Adrien’s friends are akumatized, meaning the two have to stop their friends from destroying Paris, and because their friendship is integral to their ability to work together.

In their normal life, Marinette likes Adrien, and she’s incapable of hiding it. She blushes, stammers, and literally hides whenever he’s around. But as the show continues, Marinette begins to become more sure of herself, thanks no doubt in part to the confidence the city of Paris has in her abilities as Ladybug, and this allows her to begin to actually converse with Adrien.

For Adrien, he considers Marinette to be one of his few friends, since years of homeschooling to allow more free time for his modeling career kept him from forming many true friendships.

However, it’s the pair’s friendship as Ladybug and Chat Noir that really shines. The pair did not start out as friends; having just received the ability to transform into their superhero alter-egos, Marinette is horrified at the prospect of having to face down a stone giant, while Adrien is overly excited, rushing in and almost getting himself hurt. Marinette eventually gathers her courage, and although things get worse before they get better, the two manage to stop Stoneheart and return Paris to normal.

As the two continue to defeat Hawkmoth’s akumatized villains, they learn to trust one another, and it soon becomes evident that they wouldn’t be able to effectively save the day without one another. It’s also evident, to the viewer although not to each other, that both Marinette and Adrien are somewhat different as their superhero alter-egos. Marinette is much more confident, unafraid to throw herself into the situation and certain that things will work out. Adrien is much more uninhibited; since no one knows he’s the famous Adrien Agreste, he’s free to let himself have fun, free to joke and flirt and play, free of the constant rules and schedules that rule his normal life. They do say that opposites attract, and that seems to be true for Ladybug and Chat Noir.

Chat Noir may annoy Ladybug sometimes, and Ladybug may be too secretive for Chat Noir’s liking, but the two move from just being teammates to being friends. They enjoy each other’s company, they laugh, and they eventually learn to read each other without having to say anything. And as their friendship grows, so does their success as superheroes. You can work with someone you don’t like and still get the job done, but things work much more smoothly and effectively when you’re in tune and genuinely like working together. For Ladybug and Chat Noir, being friends means they’re able to enjoy being superheroes while they work to save the city.

But the friendship between the two superheroes isn’t the only important friendship for either Marinette and Adrien. Their best friends, Alya and Nino, respectively, are both amazing characters and they provide awesome support for their superhero buddies, even if they don’t know about their friends’ crime-fighting.

Alya is the perfect friend for Marinette. She’s encouraging, outgoing, and she’s definitely not afraid to speak her mind. Alya is new to school, and she and Marinette bond over their favorite comic book hero, as well as their mutual dislike of their bossy, spoiled classmate, Chloe. As the school year goes on, Marinette and Alya become inseparable. Although they’re quite different in terms of personality, they’ve totally got each other’s backs.

Alya is always encouraging Marinette in her desire to be a fashion designer, and although she calls Marinette hopeless in regards to her repeated failed attempts to talk to Adrien, she always tries to help Marinette speak to her crush. Even more, Alya’s admiration of and belief in Ladybug helps boosts Marinette’s confidence, even if her friend doesn’t know it. Marinette helps Alya with her blog and backs her up against Chloe, and although Marinette’s moonlighting as Ladybug sometimes causes her to have to leave Alya hanging, Marinette always apologizes and does her best to show Alya how much she appreciates her. The two balance one another, and together, they’re their own force to be reckoned with.

Adrien is also a new kid, and at first he and Nino don’t quite get along, due to Nino’s mistaken belief that Adrien and Chloe are close friends. Nino, who has presumably been going to school with Chloe for a while, knows what kind of person she truly is and believes that Adrien will be just like her. When Nino realizes he’s wrong, he gladly introduces himself to Adrien, offering to be his friend.

Like Marinette and Alya, Adrien and Nino have very different personalities. Whereas Adrien is more reserved and a fairly strict rule-follower, Nino is more relaxed. He’s always trying to get Adrien to lighten up, even though it puts him at odds with Adrien’s father, and he always has a joke or some fun plan to cheer Adrien up when he’s had a bad day. Adrien, on the other hand, does his best to encourage Nino when he’s nervous or stressed, and he does a pretty good job of defusing Nino when the latter is frustrated or angry. Although their friendship is slightly more strained thanks to Mr. Agreste, Nino doesn’t hold it against Adrien, and the two hang out and have fun as often as possible.

But the importance of friendship and cooperation isn’t just an integral part of the show, it’s part of the making of the show itself. Miraculous is a collaborative effort between animation production studios in France, Japan, and South Korea and is in fact one of five projects that the group has signed on to develop together. It’s unique for a show to be a collaboration between so many different studios and especially in multiple countries, but the teamwork has paid off, and in fact, having so many different companies invested in the show has helped it appeal to such an international fanbase. Even better, having animators in so many different countries has influenced the look and feel of Miraculous, with its magical girl feel and individual transformation sequences a nod to Japanese anime; this balances well with the glamor and flair of Paris coming from the French animators and results in a one-of-a-kind show that appeals to fan all over the world.

Fans of Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir have already been making a showing at numerous fan events as well as large-scale conventions, and these fans come in every age, shape, and color. It’s clear that Miraculous appeals to children and adults alike, and its family-friendly nature means that parents and their kids can even watch it together. 90s kids will surely enjoy the nostalgia of a well-done superhero cartoon, and everyone can enjoy the message of girl power and the portrayal of wonderful female role models. Marinette and Adrien both show the importance of family, kindness, and doing what’s right in their normal lives, and as superheroes, they show that the day can be saved without violence and that determination and hard work will always pay off. More notably, though, the two, whether as themselves or as superheroes, show that friendships are an important part of life, and that with your friends by your side, anything is possible, and that’s something that everyone can agree on.

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jess-oh · 5 years

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reflection

hey journal, rachel has been living with me for the past couple days now and she's good company! im really looking forward to spending the rest of this week with her. i think im going to be pretty sad when she leaves but God, I trust you. Thank you for allowing us to have this time together and grow together on a deeper level. of all the people in new MAST, im glad i get to work with Rachel. I probably trust her the most rn. i feel pretty bad bc i tried to stay up last night in case Rachel woke up so we could start venting to each other but I ended up falling asleep around 8 or 9pm and didn't wake up again til 3:30am. I flaked on our session T 0 T but hopefully we can do it tonight! i think we both just feel physically and mentally exhausted yesterday so maybe unpacking everything tonight will lead to better, clearer results. im also realizing that i hate giving all the time without ever feeling like im receiving. even when i do receive, i dont really believe it's happening and don't understand the effort being made on other people's parts when they do give to me and it just feels off. maybe it's bc it isnt how i envision them giving to me is. i do want to be more appreciative of every moment when people do genuinely want to give to me but it is currently hard for me to understand. like it felt fine when rachel was cooking and cleaning my dishes for me and bc i saw it as not a big thing to clean my dishes, it wasnt that alarming to see her doing it for me. it just made life easier not having to do it myself but there was no real sacrifice being made i guess. i dont want to go home and just be listening to my sister and my parents' complaints all the time. i really feel like nothing will have changed. it was nice not speaking to them for a year and time i needed away from them to learn to be more self reliant and making a community and a life for myself here and away from them. i dont want to live the same life and be stuck in the same cycle over and over and over again. i keep ending up feeling miserable and burnt out in the end. i need to change something to make it different this time. i dont want to be defined by the ways that i felt hurt in the past. i dont want to be defined by how much i feel like i need to work in order to prove myself. i want to learn and understand how to rest and just be present and be with God. I keep feeling so alone and I don't want to be anymore. I want to learn and know and be willing to move forward and make something different so that I can serve better and be used by God better. I want to be able to stand up and defend and challenge the community to be more like Christ. I want to stand firm in my faith at church, at school, in public. I want to be able to rest in my identity in Christ, knowing that He is always on my side and I don't have to worry so much about everything else in the world. I do genuinely want to be able to fall down but not feel like I have to get back up for the sake of helping others. I want to be able to fall down and stay down and take my time getting back up instead of just forcing myself to be okay. I hate that I experienced a drive by shooting and being basically abused by my roommate this past year. They were both absolutely horrible, awful experiences that I really do not wish on anyone else. And I am so upset that I had to go through those things this past. Honestly, even recently, I have been bitter again towards God's for continuing to bring so much pain and hardship. I resent Jason because I feel like I can't get along or try to be friends with anyone he's had a falling out with in the past without feeling like I'm not being loyal to him. I know he feels alone and I want to stand firm and strong by his side so that he knows he isnt alone and that I will at least always be there for him. But that has kept me from feeling totally present and open with Angela, Chelsea, Yaeji, Cecilia, Joyce, Jiham, Songbee, Anna, Jiwoon, sometimes P. Josh, and I'm sure even more. It sucks. I feel like I'm being kept from making deeper relationships with people that I could potentially get along really well with because I'm trying so hard to stay loyal to Jason. And plus, I feel like whenever I have expressed concern or given him an issue that I need help dealing with or just someone to listen to, he is always quick to answer in an incredibly blunt manner. And sometimes, the challenge is a good wake up call for me to get up and keep going and do something about it instead of just wallowing in my pain and guilt. But other times, I just end up hurt. And again, he almost never apologizes! Even if I tell him he hurt me, he doesn't apologize! He just takes it as something to be assessed and logically figure out where to go from here. How did I not notice these things before? Was I just afraid to lose the few people that I did trust that I was afraid of ever seeing their true colors? Of actually seeing them for who they are instead of this perfect mirage I wanted them to be? And I always feel like I'm doing to my best to defend other people but because he's already so hell-bent on being cynical and pessimistic, he doesn't listen or even try to understand my point or that I may be right and he just isn't giving them the benefit of the doubt. I keep trying to do better in my relationship with him but in the end, I feel like I keep getting knocked down anyway and it leaves me to believe that I'm doing something wrong and need to learn to do better but maybe it's been his fault a lot of the times too. I was just too blind to notice or see. I don't want to be on bad terms with him. I don't want to hate him. I do really value him so highly as a friend and we've fought enough times whilst still maintaining our friendship together. But this is so frustrating and I can't move on from her at this pace. I need to break this cycle and change something. Anything. It was so hard for us to have a serious, normal conversation at all but then we talked it through, toned down the joking, and have started to move forward from there. I think also just because I've probably shared the most of my insecurities and inner most thoughts with him, I trust his opinion because he has all the facts laid out. And, he gets along with so many people that he's reached out to bc of his genuine character and pure intentions. Many people that I tried to reach out to but failed at. If he can do that and they see him as so great, he must be a great person, right? Are we just too close? Are we too comfortable with each other and I'm just left seeing all the excess ugly stuff that he doesn't show the rest of the world? He seems genuinely unhappy and bitter but I also don't know how to help him anymore without it taking a cost at myself. Or even if I'm willing to pay that cost, I don't even know what to do anymore. Sigh. I'm glad I have the opportunity to think more about this and process and reflect everything now that it's the summer. I want to keep this up and continue to document and flesh out all the thoughts and things running around in my mind. Johnathan messaged me earlier today to ask if I was able to rest well. I was surprised he decided to reach out and check up to see how I was doing. I didn't talk to Amanda at all yesterday. I saw her but I didn't even say hi.I texted her on the train this morning though and asked if she'd be down to get some coffee together today after her class. I want to be friends with her again. But not like this. I need her to know how I feel. Even if there's not much she can do about it to help the situation, I at least want to hear her side of the story. Or at least just let her know. If I don't tell her, I think my resentment towards her will always be in the back of my mind, silently lingering, slowly growing. I need to fix this now before it's too late. So, again. I'm upset with Amanda because I feel like I tried so hard to invite her to becoming more involved with Movement in order to be a part of the community. I was just a member my sophomore year and didn't ever make that much of an effort to get involved and as a result, I was definitely not a part of the community. I felt like I needed to get involved in order to be a part of it. And I didn't want Amanda to suffer the same fate I did as a sophomore and feel like she wasn't a part of Movement—especially as someone that was here before and is now in a ministry filled with a bunch of people she's never met before. I tried so hard to invite her so she wouldn't feel like such an outsider. But she almost never came. And, it really broke my heart when we were trying to plan for senior banquet and realizing that no one really knows Amanda that well. And I am really happy people have gotten to know her better recently. But when I found out no one knew her, I really felt like I needed to make sure people did and present the necessary opportunities for that to occur. Whether that was pushing her to do certain things or have to interact with people or whatever else. But then, the few times Johnathan asked her to come, she came. Why was me asking never enough but for him, it was so easy for her to be convinced to come? Is it just because we're on summer break and she doesn't have to worry about so many classes and the workload that comes with it? Does it even have anything to do with Johnathan at all?And, she is so incredibly loved and adored by the NU collective and has had such an easy time getting along with them and being accepted into the community. She never even came. I tried to come so much more often than she ever did and I never felt like I was at that level of acceptance. I still feel excluded and left out from the ministry a lot. What was so different about her that I didn't have? And finally, I'm upset she's dating Johnathan now. Not because that itself is inherently wrong or that there's anything wrong with him. I'm just upset because it shows me that they're moving on. And because I'm still in Movement, I feel like I'm still stuck in the past. And I know that that isn't true. It's in my hands now to take the baton that they've passed onto me and run at full speed ahead forward, bringing Movement to a brighter future. I do, genuinely, want to leave it knowing that it will continue to grow in the right direction. And I know that it'll take a lot of effort and sacrifice on my part. And I do genuinely want this. I just don't want to feel like I'm alone in trying to fight for this better future. I want to know that other people are serving with the same goal as me. That we are all trying to make Movement a better place and are willing to take the time and energy and make the necessary sacrifices to make that a reality. It's a lot and it's asking for a lot but if we're serious about making Movement a more God-centered ministry that is actively trying to raise each other up and keep each other accountable in becoming more Christlike, then it's something we need to do. I just don't even want to care anymore. No wonder Jason's more burnt out than I am. He's been doing this for a year longer than me and somehow found the strength to keep going and serving. And still, no one bothered reaching out to him or getting to know him. I think Movement as a community never felt the need to make the effort in reaching out to us as MAST because we explicitly signed up to voluntarily serve the community and learn to be disciples so that we could make disciples. But at the end of the day, we're only human too. We want to know we're not just people you see as someone whose responsibility it is to serve you. We want to know that we are someone you see as a friend. As a brother or a sister in Christ. Not just someone whose sole responsibility is to take care of you. Maybe that's why I'm so upset now. Because I'm caught in this weird in between area where I did have community with old MAST but now they're leaving and moving on with their lives. I need to learn to let go of them and find community in new MAST now. But because none of them were on old MAST, I don't feel like I have community with any of them. Especially with Joyce, Sean, and David, I still feel like they're people I need to serve. That I can't show my true colors to because I'm just expected to serve them. And I do, genuinely, want to trust them and be able to serve alongside them. And know that I can find community with them. But as of right now, I can't. I feel like I need to serve them and lead them in the right direction as the only continuing MAST member. Give them tips and advice on small group leading and how to hold themselves and everything else. Reasons to keep going when it seems hard. Ways to challenge them and and to do better. But I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel like I'm fighting this fight by myself. Like the only person I can rely on is me. Even with P. Josh, I do genuinely love and trust and respect him so much. But, it really breaks my heart whenever I see him so discouraged and I want to do my best to change the culture in Movement so that he doesn't have to feel that way again. Or at least just not as often. I started going to bible studies and prayer meetings just to make sure at least one person showed up. Because if he was already discouraged to only see me come, how awful would he feel if no one decided to come. And I really don't want him to feel that way. He doesn't believe Movement has actually grown all that much. At least not spiritually. I believe we have grown a lot. Maybe not spiritually but at least that community aspect is starting to get there. It's better than nothing. And the 5 of us in MAST this past year did definitely grow maturity wise, mentally, and spiritually. We have grown in our faiths and matured and that's a result of him. We were able to live out these characteristics and newfound values because of the ways he led and taught and discipled us to be. We have grown. Maybe not as much as he might've wanted but we did grow. And even if people suddenly came out the last couple meetings just because it was the last one, at least people came and could hear and learn about the Bible and pray for the nations. Better they came, even if it was for the wrong reasons, than not at all. I am the happiest when I don't care. When I interact with people without worrying about how it might be affecting them. When I just act as unapologetically me as I can. And I usually get along much better with people when I do present myself like that. maybe things wouldnt have been so bad if the whole Eunice thing didn't happen. Everyone was quick to turn on her but I wanted to really try and hear her side of the story. I saw her as the victim that I needed to reach out to. But she hurt a lot of people and I don't think I ever took the time to really try and understand everyone else's perspective and their side of the story. At the end of the day, whatever her reasons were for pretending to be a student at NU, she betrayed and hurt a lot of people. That was the bottom line. And she needs to own up to her actions and acknowledge that would she did was wrong and apologize for it. No one will ever be able to move on if she doesn't. What happened with her is something we choose not to address and just ignore that it happened. I can't even imagine how stressed P. Josh must've been trying to navigate that whole situation and especially for something that drastic to happen during his first year. He had a rough first year and still decided to stay and try and salvage Movement. And look at where we are now as a result. Thank you, P. Josh. Truly. I'm surprised Jason said that Movement was so great for him his first year of serving with Angela. It was his everything and he loved it. I just assumed he also had an equally bad time as me but maybe because of the Northwestern life group, he felt differently. He's been so bitter towards everyone recently so I just assumed it had always been bad from the start. I guess I was wrong. We're not the same person at all. And we had very different experiences. And now we're both here now. And it's time to let go and move on. God, please give me the strength and the courage to confront Amanda today and express all these feelings that I have towards her. Please let us just get and have everything out in the open and leave no words left unsaid. Thank you. I pray this all in your name,Amen.

#reflection

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themagicwemade13 · 7 years

Text

Just a little glimpse into how you've helped shape who I am

@taylorswift I’ve decided I want Taylor to know a little bit about what she’s done for me. So here it is. Tim McGraw was the first song I ever heard by Taylor Swift. I hadn’t really been a fan of country music so I found Taylor through a friend at the time who was obsessed with country and told me she thought this was a song and artist I’d really like. Boy was she right. The peacefulness of the song and her soft voice I think is what originally attracted me to it. Then the lyrics. Man. The entire song is a masterpiece. It was one of the first songs in my life that I genuinely related to. I was a junior in high school (I’m now 7 months away from 27) and I had a thing for a boy and the lyrics just really hit me. It’s so true how teenage boys (and let’s face it boys now who haven’t turned into men) try and woo girls by giving them such romantic compliments and it was something I had experienced myself. It had been a little after Taylor released her debut album that I heard that song, so I went and bought the whole CD as soon as I heard it. I immediately found comfort in every song in different ways. Teardrops on my guitar was related to the same crush I had who noticed me, but didn’t 100% return the attraction, he kept me on a string and hanging for so long. Cold As You and The Outside meant so much to my 16 year old self. The boy I liked had some kind of vendetta against girls in general and just sabotaged me in ways that I never experienced. Spreading lies and rumors to keep his pride when things ended between us. And I never felt someone as cold as that, but I still managed to get reeled into it again and again because I had the nerve to adore him. The Outside related to this same situation because I kept hearing whispers behind my back and people were talking and I just wanted to belong without this shadow of lies and what I thought was heartbreak hovering over me. Our Song and I’m Only Me When I’m With You were songs I related to almost a year later when I had my first “real” relationship in high school and I was just so happy. That’s how Taylor was the soundtrack to my high school years, and we related and grew together trying to fit in with the hardships of life and love. When Fearless came out I was a hardcore fan, I was so excited and looking forward to the release of this album. I had a really terrible breakup with the high school boyfriend, graduated high school, and went on to college but I was still heartbroken over what I thought at the time was my first love (at 26 I can now see that 100% was not love, just infatuation, but at the time it felt like it). Even though I was now 18, the song Fifteen really hit me like a ton of bricks, but in a good way, if that’s possible. Like most people it made me reminisce on those years of learning and growing and thinking I was in love but knowing there was that possibility and probability of heartbreak. “when all you wanted was to be wanted, wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now” is something I related to for awhile. But as I learned and grew I now know going back and changing things would lead me to a different path then I’m on today. And I love my life (in most ways) today. The part about Abigail towards the end really hit me too. I understood it all too well. So many of those songs I related to a breakup and they helped me heal and come to terms with things. And now years later STILL relate to those songs but in a different way. Some of the songs I relate to in a way that’s not romantic. And that’s how Taylor was the soundtrack to the end of my teenage years and the start of growing up into a woman. Speak Now came out when I had transferred colleges from PA to FL. I was about 2 months into my move to FL when it came out and I immediately fell in love with that CD just as I had the others. I hadn’t really been able to relate the songs to any circumstances in my life at that point because I was single and in a new city not knowing many people, but that all changed. I met a boy about a month after that CD came out and songs like Mine, Sparks Fly, and Enchanted became all I could listen to. The boy and I quickly got into a relationship and just as quickly things took a turn for the worse. Cheating, lies, and drug/alcohol/physical abuse were soon things that I was experiencing for the first time. Things that I never even thought in my worst nightmares would happen to me. But I was already reeled in. I thought that I was in love with this person, and he made me feel like I was unworthy for anything more than what he was giving me, so I stayed. And then, songs like Dear John, Mean, and The Story of Us were my anthems. The one positive outcome of that entire time in my life was that I came out of it with 3 lifelong friends. Long Live was a song that I constantly played when I couldn’t bear to think about any of the heartbreaking things I was going through. Those 3 girls who were my best friends got me through all of it. And that song will forever relate back to them. I’m not as close with 2 of them anymore but I know that we will always have each other’s backs no matter where life takes us. I didn’t go back to Florida after things happened with the boy I thought I loved, and so the line “Long live all the magic we made” resonated so deeply with me, because I knew all those beautiful, wonderful, enchanting memories with my 3 best friends would never be erased by the darkness I had experienced during that time. I went on to get a tattoo of that exact lyric on my shoulder and to this day it’s my favorite one (out of 12). It reminds me every day that even in the darkest of times you can still let light into your life. And because of that song and those friends, I will always think fondly of my time in Florida as opposed to remembering it as a nightmare (which I could easily do). That is how Taylor was the soundtrack to the hardest time I’ve ever gone through in my entire life. Two years later, you guessed it, Red came out. I was still a little bit (okay a lot) broken from some of the experiences I had gone through in the past couple of years. I Knew You Were Trouble made me feel so much less alone in all that I had experienced. In the past I had thought I was INSANE for staying with that nightmare of a person, and yea, maybe I was, but I felt ashamed because I couldn’t just switch my feelings off after he had done horrible things. That song made me feel ok about my decisions because I knew there was at least one person out there (Taylor) who felt the way I did. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together was another good one for me and made me happy because I was finally at that point in my life where I had power over my choices and turned away someone who was bad for me. All Too Well, which to this day is tied with Long Live for my all time favorite song, was one that brought out every emotion I didn’t know I had. That song, perfectly described feelings and situations to the T that I had personally experienced. From leaving the scarf that he still has, to referencing the song Sweet Disposition which had been a favorite of mine during that time in my life, to your mother telling stories about you, and dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light. From asking for (what he thought was) too much, to running scared and casual cruelty, and completely and utterly losing myself to that person, and so much more, I will never be able to find the words to thank Taylor for writing that song. I’m tearing up writing this now, just thinking about where I might be if I hadn’t had that song to comfort me when I needed it. I’m a strong person, so I know I would’ve gotten through these struggles with or without Taylor, but I may be here today feeling a lot more alone with unresolved feelings. But thanks to her and her lyrics and therapy, I am happy. And that is how Taylor was the soundtrack to me getting through what I thought was unrepairable and helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel. During the course of the 2 years before 1989 came out, aka the Red era, I felt more connected to Taylor then ever before. I felt like we had been through most of the same experiences or some variation of them, and we were both building ourselves back up and finding who we were. The spring of 2014 after dropping out of college a couple years prior, and working at a dead end job, I decided to find my true passion and go to beauty school. I graduated 4 months later in July of 2014 and felt happier and more me than I had ever felt in my entire life. I finally felt HAPPY to be by myself, on the journey of my new path in life, done with all the drama of the past (which is way more than I wrote about here) and I just felt whole again. And then Shake It Off came out and it just reiterated the fact that me and Taylor were on the same page. We both shook off the troubles and hardships of the past and came out on the other side of being a girl, as women who were happy to be who they truly were and happy to be alive and nurturing friendships and family and just HAPPY in general. And then 1989 came out. And it expressed ideas of freedom and loving yourself and even though there were still hardships expressed throughout the album, to me it resembled growth and letting go and knowing that the dark times wouldn’t last forever. Every one of those songs makes me happy. Clean was a song didn’t necessarily help me through things because I had moved past them already, but it was a song that made me understand things even more. And once again helped me relate to Taylor and just moving on from the past. And it is an anthem I would scream from the mountain tops if I could. During the very beginning of the 1989 era I was in a new relationship after a couple years of finding myself: This was different from all the rest. You Are In Love means so much to me because it was the first love song that I related to a love that was actually good for me. This love that I’m talking about is someone I’m still together with to this day, and someone who loves every single part of me. After 3 years of love, light and laughter we live together and our bond is stronger than ever. And this song describes everything I feel so perfectly. And that is how Taylor has been the soundtrack to me finally being happy and loving myself without expecting or even wanting the approval of ANYONE except myself. I hope someday I get the chance to tell her how much she has affected my life in such a positive way. I know I'm FAR from the only person here with a story of how Taylor has impacted their lives. I hope she knows how important she is to not only me, but every Swiftie in this entire fandom, whether it’s someone who has shared their story, or someone who hasn’t, she has affected all of our lives in ways that none of us ever imagined. So here is my thank you to Taylor, for being the soundtrack to my entire life. I can’t wait to hear the new single and to see how Reputation helps me become more of who I am.

#taylurking #taylor swift #reputation

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themagicwemade13 · 7 years

Text

Dear Taylor:

Just a little glimpse into how you've helped shape who I am @taylorswift Tim McGraw was the first song I ever heard by Taylor Swift. I hadn’t really been a fan of country music so I found Taylor through a friend at the time who was obsessed with country and told me she thought this was a song and artist I’d really like. Boy was she right. The peacefulness of the song and her soft voice I think is what originally attracted me to it. Then the lyrics. Man. The entire song is a masterpiece. It was one of the first songs in my life that I genuinely related to. I was a junior in high school (I’m now 7 months away from 27) and I had a thing for a boy and the lyrics just really hit me. It’s so true how teenage boys (and let’s face it boys now who haven’t turned into men) try and woo girls by giving them such romantic compliments and it was something I had experienced myself. It had been a little after Taylor released her debut album that I heard that song, so I went and bought the whole CD as soon as I heard it. I immediately found comfort in every song in different ways. Teardrops on my guitar was related to the same crush I had who noticed me, but didn’t 100% return the attraction, he kept me on a string and hanging for so long. Cold As You and The Outside meant so much to my 16 year old self. The boy I liked had some kind of vendetta against girls in general and just sabotaged me in ways that I never experienced. Spreading lies and rumors to keep his pride when things ended between us. And I never felt someone as cold as that, but I still managed to get reeled into it again and again because I had the nerve to adore him. The Outside related to this same situation because I kept hearing whispers behind my back and people were talking and I just wanted to belong without this shadow of lies and what I thought was heartbreak hovering over me. Our Song and I’m Only Me When I’m With You were songs I related to almost a year later when I had my first “real” relationship in high school and I was just so happy. That’s how Taylor was the soundtrack to my high school years, and we related and grew together trying to fit in with the hardships of life and love. When Fearless came out I was a hardcore fan, I was so excited and looking forward to the release of this album. I had a really terrible breakup with the high school boyfriend, graduated high school, and went on to college but I was still heartbroken over what I thought at the time was my first love (at 26 I can now see that 100% was not love, just infatuation, but at the time it felt like it). Even though I was now 18, the song Fifteen really hit me like a ton of bricks, but in a good way, if that’s possible. Like most people it made me reminisce on those years of learning and growing and thinking I was in love but knowing there was that possibility and probability of heartbreak. “when all you wanted was to be wanted, wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now” is something I related to for awhile. But as I learned and grew I now know going back and changing things would lead me to a different path then I’m on today. And I love my life (in most ways) today. The part about Abigail towards the end really hit me too. I understood it all too well. So many of those songs I related to a breakup and they helped me heal and come to terms with things. And now years later STILL relate to those songs but in a different way. Some of the songs I relate to in a way that’s not romantic. And that’s how Taylor was the soundtrack to the end of my teenage years and the start of growing up into a woman. Speak Now came out when I had transferred colleges from PA to FL. I was about 2 months into my move to FL when it came out and I immediately fell in love with that CD just as I had the others. I hadn’t really been able to relate the songs to any circumstances in my life at that point because I was single and in a new city not knowing many people, but that all changed. I met a boy about a month after that CD came out and songs like Mine, Sparks Fly, and Enchanted became all I could listen to. The boy and I quickly got into a relationship and just as quickly things took a turn for the worse. Cheating, lies, and drug/alcohol/physical abuse were soon things that I was experiencing for the first time. Things that I never even thought in my worst nightmares would happen to me. But I was already reeled in. I thought that I was in love with this person, and he made me feel like I was unworthy for anything more than what he was giving me, so I stayed. And then, songs like Dear John, Mean, and The Story of Us were my anthems. The one positive outcome of that entire time in my life was that I came out of it with 3 lifelong friends. Long Live was a song that I constantly played when I couldn’t bear to think about any of the heartbreaking things I was going through. Those 3 girls who were my best friends got me through all of it. And that song will forever relate back to them. I’m not as close with 2 of them anymore but I know that we will always have each other’s backs no matter where life takes us. I didn’t go back to Florida after things happened with the boy I thought I loved, and so the line “Long live all the magic we made” resonated so deeply with me, because I knew all those beautiful, wonderful, enchanting memories with my 3 best friends would never be erased by the darkness I had experienced during that time. I went on to get a tattoo of that exact lyric on my shoulder and to this day it’s my favorite one (out of 12). It reminds me every day that even in the darkest of times you can still let light into your life. And because of that song and those friends, I will always think fondly of my time in Florida as opposed to remembering it as a nightmare (which I could easily do). That is how Taylor was the soundtrack to the hardest time I’ve ever gone through in my entire life. Two years later, you guessed it, Red came out. I was still a little bit (okay a lot) broken from some of the experiences I had gone through in the past couple of years. I Knew You Were Trouble made me feel so much less alone in all that I had experienced. In the past I had thought I was INSANE for staying with that nightmare of a person, and yea, maybe I was, but I felt ashamed because I couldn’t just switch my feelings off after he had done horrible things. That song made me feel ok about my decisions because I knew there was at least one person out there (Taylor) who felt the way I did. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together was another good one for me and made me happy because I was finally at that point in my life where I had power over my choices and turned away someone who was bad for me. All Too Well, which to this day is tied with Long Live for my all time favorite song, was one that brought out every emotion I didn’t know I had. That song, perfectly described feelings and situations to the T that I had personally experienced. From leaving the scarf that he still has, to referencing the song Sweet Disposition which had been a favorite of mine during that time in my life, to your mother telling stories about you, and dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light. From asking for (what he thought was) too much, to running scared and casual cruelty, and completely and utterly losing myself to that person, and so much more, I will never be able to find the words to thank Taylor for writing that song. I’m tearing up writing this now, just thinking about where I might be if I hadn’t had that song to comfort me when I needed it. I’m a strong person, so I know I would’ve gotten through these struggles with or without Taylor, but I may be here today feeling a lot more alone with unresolved feelings. But thanks to her and her lyrics and therapy, I am happy. And that is how Taylor was the soundtrack to me getting through what I thought was unrepairable and helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel. During the course of the 2 years before 1989 came out, aka the Red era, I felt more connected to Taylor then ever before. I felt like we had been through most of the same experiences or some variation of them, and we were both building ourselves back up and finding who we were. The spring of 2014 after dropping out of college a couple years prior, and working at a dead end job, I decided to find my true passion and go to beauty school. I graduated 4 months later in July of 2014 and felt happier and more me than I had ever felt in my entire life. I finally felt HAPPY to be by myself, on the journey of my new path in life, done with all the drama of the past (which is way more than I wrote about here) and I just felt whole again. And then Shake It Off came out and it just reiterated the fact that me and Taylor were on the same page. We both shook off the troubles and hardships of the past and came out on the other side of being a girl, as women who were happy to be who they truly were and happy to be alive and nurturing friendships and family and just HAPPY in general. And then 1989 came out. And it expressed ideas of freedom and loving yourself and even though there were still hardships expressed throughout the album, to me it resembled growth and letting go and knowing that the dark times wouldn’t last forever. Every one of those songs makes me happy. Clean was a song didn’t necessarily help me through things because I had moved past them already, but it was a song that made me understand things even more. And once again helped me relate to Taylor and just moving on from the past. And it is an anthem I would scream from the mountain tops if I could. During the very beginning of the 1989 era I was in a new relationship after a couple years of finding myself: This was different from all the rest. You Are In Love means so much to me because it was the first love song that I related to a love that was actually good for me. This love that I’m talking about is someone I’m still together with to this day, and someone who loves every single part of me. After 3 years of love, light and laughter we live together and our bond is stronger than ever. And this song describes everything I feel so perfectly. And that is how Taylor has been the soundtrack to me finally being happy and loving myself without expecting or even wanting the approval of ANYONE except myself. I hope someday I get the chance to tell her how much she has affected my life in such a positive way. I know  I’m FAR from the only person here with a story of how Taylor has impacted their lives. I hope she knows how important she is to not only me, but every Swiftie in this entire fandom, whether it’s someone who has shared their story, or someone who hasn’t, she has affected all of our lives in ways that none of us ever imagined. So here is my thank you to Taylor, for being the soundtrack to my entire life. I can’t wait to hear the new single and to see how Reputation helps me become more of who I am.

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