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suspiciouslackofclowns · 9 months

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Loosely inspired by this post by @shieldofiron <3

Jonathan softly dabs the towel against Billy’s lip, absorbing the blood seeping from the swollen split. He’s more careful now than he’s ever been in his life, halting his movements when a tear slips down the blond’s cheek and setting the towel atop the counter.

“I’m sorry,” Jonathan whispers.

He reaches out to cup Billy’s cheek, dropping his hand when he flinches at the movement.

“‘S okay,” Billy rasps.

He sniffles. Keeps his eyes low, refusing to meet Jonathan’s as he swipes his tongue over the inside of his lip. The cut glistens with another drop of blood and Jonathan stops the flow with the towel again.

“It’s not,” he sighs. Looks from Billy’s busted lip to the smear of red across his own knuckles, and winces. “I could’ve handled it differently.”

“Not your job to keep me in check, Byers.”

“So, what, I’m supposed to let you pick fights you can’t win? Would’ve ended up in the hospital with more than a busted lip.”

Billy chuckles, and Jonathan’s brows furrow.

“Maybe we should stop… this,” Billy says.

The rasp is back in his voice and his eyes prick with tears.

Jonathan’s first instinct is to want to pull him in for a hug, but just based on the last time he put his hands on Billy, he decides against it.

“I think you need some rest,” he says. “We’re both still worked up, and—“

“I don’t like putting you in situations like that,” Billy huffs. His shoulders shake, and he leans forward until his forehead bumps into Jonathan’s shoulder. “You shouldn’t have to be my buffer. You shouldn’t have to worry about me flying off the handle because I can’t fucking control myself.”

A sob shakes him, and Jonathan decides fuck it. Wraps his arms protectively around Billy and squeezes.

Fists twist in the fabric of his shirt at either side and pull him closer until he’s standing between Billy’s legs. Until they’re pressed together as close as they could possibly get.

For a moment, Jonathan just holds him. Lets him cry into the crook of his neck and squeeze as tight as he wants, even if it makes breathing a bit of a chore.

“We just have to work on that, baby. Together,” Jonathan croons. He pets Billy’s hair when he sniffles and tilts their heads together. “First step is not touching you when you don’t wanna be touched, right? ‘N talking you down when you need an extra hand cooling off?”

Billy whimpers softly, and it has Jonathan’s own vision becoming cloudy.

“I shouldn’t’ve…”

“I shouldn’t have grabbed you. I knew you were too worked up and I did it anyway.”

The blond just shakes his head wordlessly. Jonathan begins rocking them gently from side to side and shushing into his hair.

To think that this is the same guy who snatched the collar of his shirt and nearly picked him up off the ground a little over an hour ago is almost unbelievable. Aside from the fact that he’s pulling Jonathan up to his tippy toes as we speak.

“Don’t want you to be scared of me…”

Jonathan chuckles and sighs fondly, like the idea in and of itself is completely ridiculous. Billy’s breath hitches.

“Which one of us came home tonight more busted up? I can take you in a fight any time, Hargrove, so don’t even worry about that.”

Again, Billy’s shoulders shake, but this time it’s from laughter. He chuckles into the crook of Jonathan’s neck and the tension bleeds from his shoulders in an instant as he interlocks his fingers over the small of the brunet’s back.

“You have a pretty sick left hook, I’ll give you that.”

“Would’a had your ass on the ground in seconds if your puppy dog eyes didn’t tug at my heartstrings so much after the first punch.”

They both chuckle at that. Jonathan noses a handful of kisses into Billy’s hair and rubs softly over his back, coaxing a sigh from his lungs. It has every muscle in his body going limp in a matter of moments.

“I believe it,” Billy says.

“Mm,” Jonathan hums. “So, do you still wanna break up?”

The blond leans back enough to make eye contact.

“Are you trying to bait me into kicking your ass? Because I will, I don’t care if I lose.”

Jonathan smiles and leans in, brushing his lips against the corner of Billy’s mouth so as not to disturb the cut. The blond’s eyes slip shut as more kisses are pressed all over his face.

He remains perfectly calm as Jonathan cups his cheek and gently swipes his thumb over the faded streak of a tear.

“That’s what I thought,” he muses. “Let’s go to bed, you big softie.”

#byergrove #billy hargrove #jonathan byers #angsty #I’ve been thinking a lot about this ship recently #I can feel a full fic brewing in the back of my mind #just Jonathan being Better at fighting than Billy?? I live for this and I didn’t even consider it until now #also the comfort Billy gets just knowing that he doesn’t strike fear into his bf because of it? new dynamic entirely hhgg #ficlet #my writing #unedited

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sysig · 9 months

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He’s my little meow meow, my darling, my bbygirl (Patreon)

#Doodles #Commander Peepers #I'm soooooo normal about him you guys <3 So normal! <3 <3 #*Looking back over the other Little Guys I've collected* Hmmmmmmm Evil Xisuma and Spamton and Sableye and Rick Diggins #I think there might be a theme here #Just casually making Venn Diagrams in my head - Evil X has the red/black - Spamton is trans - Sableye has Gremlin energy - Rick is too tired #And those are just the ones I can think of lol - if you look I did the same stretchy pose with EX when I was still drawing him lol #The Stretch Pose is how you can tell if I like a character lol - they stretchin'? I am infatuated <3 #I mean I'm normal I'm totally normal lol #Also had to give him a bbygrl pose - I for the life of me cannot find it again but the reference is very strong in my mind's eye!#Not that I couldn't go for another one at some point lol ♪#Ugh the middle one lol - so that Word of God I mentioned in passing about female Watchdogs #I read it in passing as just a basic research of ''Oh here's what The Original Creator has to say alright neat''#Except that it Immediately made me itchy and I was like ''What. What brain this is not that big of a deal what are you doing''#And I was like ''No I'm being silly about this - just because I don't agree doesn't mean it's a big deal lol''#Except then I had stress dreams and woke up Weird the next day and the last time that happened I left a fandom #And the time before that I wrote 4 consecutive pages of 20-something panels in like 18 hours of consciousness - I have normal reactions lol #But I opted instead to vent to smol about it and she agreed with me so basically I'm just saying I'm correct lol /s #Personally Peepers doesn't strike me as misogynistic - he's very much an Equal Opportunity villain in my eyes!#And yeah I considered a lot of different angles around it but like - based on the text of WOY I just don't buy it #If it's not in the show it doesn't count! For all we know there might not even be any female Watchdogs! Lol #Would also lead to the equally-to-Spamton interesting question of How Does Trans Work in that kind of situation #I've definitely not already put a lot of thought into it don't look at me lol #Don't ask me to write an essay about both of those things I'll do it and where will that leave us lol #ANYway lol ♪ He's still the absolute funnest to draw in distress and discomfort <3 And kneeling! He makes me want to practice :D #I always feel like I can try again and do better! >:3c

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chubs-deuce · 11 months

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I've had ENOUGH of this dude

#aka I thought back to Zelda's pre-calamity home life situation and it keeps striking one hell of a chord with me #probably bc I only got diagnosed with ADHD at 17 #and have until that point suffered pretty similar accusations of not trying hard enough or not caring enough to meet certain expectations #despite already trying my damn hardest not yet knowing it's nothing I have any immediate control over #and in my mind Link's strong sense of justice paired with being Zelda's personal knight and generally being very perceptive #lets him see the full extend of unfair bullshit repeatedly unfolding before him and occasionally ponders the pros and cons of treason #botw #loz botw #digital fanart #my art #art #fanart #breath of the wild #shitpost #sort of

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rexscanonwife · 1 month

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Hrrgghh....starred war...

#jane journals #self insert talk #BROOOO HOW DOES IT TAKE OVER SO EASILY #ive been sketching star wars stuff ALL DAAAAY #mostly kepler and brea sjfjgk #i rly wanna draw more rex stuff soon too 🥺🥺💖💖#BUT MAAAAN ITS JUST HROUGGHHHH #i prommy im not done with metalocalypse #in fact im lowkey thinking about crossover/au material too cause Autism #the autism strikes back #i think pickles would be a nautilan cause i think itd be cute that the tentacles would be a nod to his dreads!#and skwisgar would be a twilek cause well. theyre oversexualized as fuck 😂😂#plus the european accent. i know its french not swedish ssshhhh #and my partner joked that murderface would be a toydarian (what watto is) so thats what he is in my mind 😂😂😂😂#gotta think more about the others!!

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tsukuyomi42 · 1 year

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Imperial Chibis: May the 4th be with you!

The chibis got together to celebrate this special day!

HAPPY MAY THE 4TH!!

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dudeyuri · 9 months

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okay @aikinn's tags on this patpran only friends au post need to be addressed immediately so i reposted them below and just formatted into paragraphs for readability. building the #patpran OF au tag on my blog bc i guess that's where i live right now. thank you @aikinn if you'd rather make this post yourself PLS let me know because i will delete this and reblog it to my heart

#suuuuper early on in the game Pran making some little teasing comment about how he clearly has more game than Pat #and Pat responding that thats impossible. He's pulled both times they've been together #and he hasnt seen Pran even *talk* to a girl let alone kiss one #and Pran is drunk and bold and steps in reaaal close and boops Pats nose and tells him to pay attention #and Pat gets left behind at the bar jaw agape nursing his beer as Pran walks up to the third hottest guy in the bar #(in Pat's humble opinion) #-and proceeds to lay it on thick. #And the guy?? responds?? he looks up (up?!) at Pran like he wants to eat him alive and Pat *burns*

#Pran is barely doing anything but existing and smiling with those goddamn dimples and the mystery guy looks ready to fall to his knees. #and Pat is watching and watching and willing Pran to look back at him just once. just once but he doesn't #And the guy looks up at Pran with a question and Pran leans in close to whisper something in his ear #and Pat watches the other man's eyes go dark as Pran puts his hand on the small of his back and guides the man outside #and Pat shouldnt follow #he should go back to his friends or find someone to talk to or something or something or something but his feet move without his permission #and he's holding his breath in silence watching the silhouette of neat-freak selfcontrolled Pran losing his composure in a dirty back alley

#Pran makes a kind of soft stuttered noise in his throat that Pat hears in his head on repeat for days and days and days #and next time Pat sees him at the bar he lies and says he got with some girl who's name he cant remember #and Pran teases him saying that it proves nothing. cause Pat's playing on easy mode. #there are 20 straight girls for each gay guy so Pran is still winning and Pat blurts out that Pran should teach him... so that its even. #Pat freely admits that he's never seduced a man but that doesnt mean he couldnt do it better than Pran could. he just needs to know how. so #teach him. #and Pran raises an eyebrow at first but then his eyes go very very dark. and Pat would do anything to keep Pran's attention on him like that #and he lets Pran run his fingertips up his arms. He takes the long drink of beer from the same bottle Prans mouth was on moments before. #He lets Pran back him into a shadowy corner. Lets those fingertips slip under the hem of his shirt. Trace along the waistband of his jeans #He lets Pran press up against him and find him hard and wanting and bares his throat at the feel of Pran's breath #and Pran whispers ''lesson's over Pat.''

#LESSON'S OVER???? HE WOULD #bad buddy #patpran OF au #i have been playing with the idea of pat learning pran is into men being a sort of revelation for him personally in another wip i have #so this is up my alley SO UNBELIEVABLY SO #i think pat would come back next time with renewed confidence and vengeance on his mind...#because we know he strikes out plenty but we also know his charm absolutely 100% works on pran #also #pat: people fall for my charm all the time #pran: please. you have no game you just rely on your looks #pat: oh? you think i'm hot?#pran: regretting opening his mouth

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egotisticalmachine · 5 months

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sorry to ask you to ‘diagnose’ me, but lately ive been finding that i really really heavily relate to a lot of pwNPDs posts. ive also noticed thought patterns i have with my non-system splitting (thoughts go from ‘i am the most victimized person ever in the world’ to ‘i am the most horrible abuser that ever existed’).

i wanted to ask how you got diagnosed/started seeking information on NPD. i want to perhaps bring these thought patterns up the my therapist, but im unsure how to (esp since she has used the term “narcisstic abuse” in reference to experiences ive had)

any advice?

thank you for your patience, my life is very busy these days and i dont have a whole lot of time for tumblr, but i dont want you to think this is unimportant to me.

to be clear, im self diagnosed, and not planning on seeking a professional diagnosis, so i can only really walk you through doing your own research and self reflection and tips i can imagine would be helpful for seeking a diagnosis if you choose to do so. im aware my choice is somewhat controversial, and i would be happy to list out all my reasoning in a separate post, but i feel like that would be really fucking long (and kind of bitter tbh) and this is already gonna be a doozy. my main point is that if youre going to self diagnose, itll take a lot of research and thought; and if youre going to seek a prof diagnosis, itll take research and thought as well but youll also need to take into account the trustworthiness of whoever you turn to for help. if you go the prof dx route, i wish you nothing but the best of luck.

but onto my own process.

first, the DSM-5. a free PDF of the entire thing can be found here. make sure to read over the first part defining personality disorders as a whole, as well as the section on narcissistic personality disorder ofc, AND the disorders that it can often be mistaken for, which are listed under "Differential Diagnosis". take note of any that it seems you might fit the criteria for instead, or in addition. remember that NPD can be comorbid with many other conditions, as long as it isnt directly negating the diagnosis, such as narcissistic traits only being during episodes of mania.

please note though that the DSM-5 is still written from an outsider perspective. while it is ultimately the outline for a diagnosis, its not exempt from framing us in a negative light. for example - my lack of empathy isnt the result of any "unwillingness", i literally just have a lower capacity to empathize with others than the average person does. i can fake it, most of the time, but i cant force the real thing.

the DSM-5 also focuses mainly on pwNPD who are more outwardly grandiose, while ignoring those of us who dont present that way. for the most part im not a very "arrogant, haughty" person because ive learned thats not how i get my needs met. i may sometimes accidentally sound patronizing without realizing it, or i might unmask in safe environments and let myself be healthily arrogant (like playfully boasting and half-joking about everyone loving me), but on the whole i avoid it because in my experience, people like me better when im humble. even if im often arrogant internally, i filter myself. im not particularly grandiose now, but i used to be even less so - i was more of what gets referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, displaying (very often excessive by the standards of social acceptability, but still usually genuine) emotional vulnerability to others in the hopes of getting comfort and attention, and often placing myself into the "inferior" social rung that i believed everyone else wrongly saw me as because i felt that if i tried to take the "superior" position i "rightfully deserved" i would be hated for it. now i would say im in between grandiose and vulnerable, but still not as grandiose as whats described in the DSM-5.

also, consider the ways the criteria might apply in ways that may differ from whats described, or what immediately comes to mind. the "Diagnostic Features" section describes pretty specific scenarios, and i know i personally sometimes struggle to think beyond the examples im given. are the "special people" you associate with morally or creatively or spiritually special? do you exhibit entitlement by not doing assignments and being surprised by the consequences, or by expecting someone else in the household to handle the chores because youre busy, without considering that theyre busy too, maybe even busier? does your need for admiration apply to art you create, jokes you tell, facts you share?

TLDR for those last four paragraphs: the DSM-5 is absolutely the starting place for research, but doesnt encompass the entirety of the narcissistic experience. which is where the next step comes in -

keep researching. this step is... very, very difficult. the sad truth is youll mostly see articles about how horrible narcissists apparently are. youve probably already seen much of this and im sorry. theres not really any way to avoid it, because even resources that can offer actual help tend to have at least a degree of disdain for us. ive seen some pwNPD recommend the works of dr daniel fox, such as his worksheets available for free online, and if they might be helpful i encourage you to utilize those; however even his youtube channel is incredibly villainizing, at least based on the thumbnails (I Am Not Clicking On That Shit) so i really cant take him seriously and wont be giving him any of my money. please just be cautious wading through everything and remember that, whether you have NPD or just narcissistic traits, you arent the monster these people want to frame you as.

i wish i could remember every article that helped me along the way, but the biggest one i always recommend to ANYONE who wants to learn more about NPD is the one ill link here, Narcissus And The Daffodils. the authors use the checklist linked here to go into detail describing the spectrum of narcissistic experiences. the checklist is built using the DSM-5 criteria, essentially reworded, restructured, and added to in order to offer a more thorough understanding of NPD.* the authors elaborate on the checklist to explain how those criteria tie in with the experiences described.

*while the checklist is described as a potential tool for self diagnosis, i firmly believe it cant be your only resource to do so, and im unsure if that was the intention of the creators, who do openly state that they arent professionals. however, i still consider this a very helpful resource.

as an additional note: NatD touches on three different forms of empathy, emotional, cognitive, and compassionate. after doing a lot of research on the subject, my conclusion is that nobody can fucking agree on how to categorize and label different forms of empathy, but the categorization is still helpful for me and many others. basically, whats being said is helpful, just prepare to be confused if you try to research further because that model of empathy isnt the only one out there.

beyond that, you kind of just have to keep on trucking. sift through the bullshit. use your critical thinking skills, consider what info might actually be helpful and what might just be hateful and able to be disregarded. try to keep seeking out pwNPD, but also be cautious that even some pwNPD arent going to give the best info (r/NPD sucks ass and so does the associated discord holy fuuuuuuuuuck, absolutely toxic community and also not very queer friendly). and you mentioned relating to posts made by pwNPD, so it sounds like youve already been seeking out communities, and hopefully youve been finding good ones! im certain other pwNPD have more resources than what im able to offer as well.

TLDR for the past five paragraphs: research research research, keep your wits about you, think for yourself, seek out healthy communities, and dont let the shitheads get you down.

this will also take a lot of self reflection. you need to consider how your symptoms affect your daily life, your interpersonal relationships, your private moments. can you pinpoint when this started; was it sudden, or have these traits been building up over time? what might have caused all of this, what did your youth look like, what does your life look like now? how have you been praised? how have you been hurt? what were your parents or guardians like?

professionals arent 100% certain of what causes NPD, but there are patterns - genetics, upbringing, trauma. look at your roots just as much as your branches, so to speak. some pwNPD were praised too much as a child, made to feel more important than others. some had their needs neglected. some experienced both. im sure there are other factors im forgetting to list, so again, go listen to other pwNPD and see if anything they say clicks with you. ill use myself as an example below for the sake of explaining one of many many ways NPD can develop, but thatll touch on childhood emotional abuse and trauma, without going into too much detail. if thats still upsetting to read about, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

growing up i was both put on a pedestal for my achievements and talents (like getting good grades or being cute) and devalued for anything that was inconvenient or undesirable (like being easily scared or making mistakes), so i learned subconsciously that i was somehow innately superior to my peers but also that my superiority was conditional and i was innately flawed. i moved houses constantly, so i didnt get to learn how to develop lasting friendships, and my detachment made it far too easy for me to see people as temporary sources of attention and entertainment and not much else, easy to discard without any trouble once our time was up. even once my family settled down in my teen years, they still maintained an idea that i was better than my friends. my mother in particular was manipulative, so i learned to be manipulative too - i became calculated in how i spoke and behaved, tugged at heartstrings, and outright lied countless times, all as a survival mechanism as it became harder and harder to meet the expectations placed on me. i couldnt depend on the same easiness of childhood i had grown up with, especially with other obstacles like schizophrenia in the way of my grades, but i hadnt been taught how to work for success and didnt have the support to succeed, i just felt entitled to it, it felt like something innate to me. and while all these family and school troubles were happening, and eventually work troubles, i had my trust broken many times by many people (often BECAUSE my drive for attention led me to stick around awful people and put up with hurtful behavior), and this reinforced my misanthropic idea that i must be better than other people, but that i have to prove im not below them.

aside from just shamelessly liking to talk about myself - im sure i can be honest with you here lmao - im saying all this to illustrate a very important aspect of my self diagnosis process. i am able to pinpoint a VAST array of experiences from my youth, including plenty that i didnt even mention here, which contributed to the development of my symptoms and influence my current day behavior and psyche.

which means, going back to the tree analogy, i can connect my roots to my branches. i can recognize the symptoms i experience, the branches, and i can trace back down to the experiences that led to those symptoms, the roots. that helped me to better rule out other possible causes for those symptoms - i dont experience low empathy solely because of my autism, even if that is a factor, but specific events in my life further lowered my empathetic ability beyond what it potentially could have been. i dont feel superior as a symptom of mania, both because its a constant feeling and because i can explain how that feeling was instilled in me.

dont feel bad if you cant pinpoint everything like this. like i said, it takes a lot of self reflection, and if theres trauma involved, itll probably be a painful process. its ongoing too, there are still moments that i suddenly make a connection between a branch and a root. and mental illnesses as a whole are complex, because the brain is complex, and life is complex. and, again, genetics are believed to be a factor, so it could be possible that if you have NPD, you may have had a lot fewer developmental experiences that led into it, but experts just really arent 100% sure about all the facts. all i can tell you is my own experience.

and of course, i know ive already said it plenty of times, but focus on those branches too. really really consider how your symptoms impact you and how well they may line up with NPD or potentially something else. i know that i have full certainty in my self diagnosis, but i know that wont be the case for everyone and even with your own personal certainty, you might still want a professional diagnosis. again, if you choose to seek that, i wish you only the best and i hope youre treated with nothing but the highest respect and dignity.

so my tips for that prof dx as someone without one. first and foremost in this section: gonna have to say your current therapist is a no-go. its not impossible to change someones mind about narcissistic abuse, but its also sadly not all that likely on your own, and more importantly it isnt your job when youre just trying to get help for a potential disorder. there are websites where you can search for specialists (dont use psychologytoday), but i know when i tried on a site i sadly forget the name of, i didnt get any results, so i dont know how many options are out there and listed on these sites.

your next option is probably word of mouth. reaching out to NPD communities, asking who can be trusted. but, given how small the community is, and that you dont want to doxx yourself and might not feel safe asking people you know irl, thatll probably be difficult too. there may be listings somewhere by pwNPD, but im unaware of any.

i think the next best option is just to reach out to therapists in your area, or just as far as youre willing/able to travel, or as far as theyll take telehealth appointments - and ask them some questions. do some doctor shopping. this is an important decision and you need to know you can trust the person youll be opening up to. i would start by simply asking if they treat people with narcissistic personality disorder. some therapists may simply not have the expertise to offer such treatment, while others may actively refuse to do so, but either way, you want that yes/no answer. if they do treat pwNPD, you can continue to ask questions about their goals in treating pwNPD, the processes they use, their success rates with these patients.

i would be cautious in asking any questions that might even POSSIBLY come off as accusatory. directly asking a therapists opinions on narcissistic abuse may result in them slotting you into the "victim complex" role, or them feeling like theyre being put on the defense, even if they dont hold those beliefs. even those who dont see us fully as villains can still see us poorly. try to ask questions that are more common to what anyone would ask while researching a therapist, and take note of anything that seems off, or of if they seem particularly safe and affirming.

also!! please consider your insurance, if you have it! all my recent doctors have been referrals from other doctors, but in the past ive had to go on the site for my insurance and find a list of doctors who would take it. alternatively, you could ask upfront if they take your insurance.

beyond all this, i dont think theres any other advice i can give you. so ill give the floor to anyone who might have anything else to add, any resources, articles, websites, therapists, advice, words of encouragement, polite corrections to anything i might have gotten wrong.

if you read this far, thank you for your time, and thank you for trusting me to offer my help. i hope i could steer you in the right direction, because the sea is fucking rough out there. whether its NPD or something else youre struggling with, im happy to help you out, even if it takes me some time to reply. and once more for good measure: i wish you the best of luck, dignity, and care.

#asks #advice #teefiesworld #also ill put this in the tags since the post is mainly addressing diagnosis and research #but like. id kind of had NPD on the back of my mind for A While before actually researching it #like ''hmmm maybe i should look into that. nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh''#''why do i struggle so much to consider others? why do i detach so easily? why do i obsess over praise? oh well nbd lol''#and i didnt give it much thought bc i didnt present very grandiosely #until eventually it gnawed at my brain enough that i researched vulnerable narcissism and had an entire breakdown of my self perception #over the course of. idk however long it took me to come to terms with my narcissism #its so funny bc i think people see treating NPD as involving a decrease in grandiosity #but for me i had to learn to INCREASE my grandiosity bc i was suppressing it so hard it was detrimental to me #all about striking that balance #not to say ive like. cured myself or whatever. but im absolutely way healthier than i used to be #bc i learned to identify those branches and roots and started adjusting my behavior #idk im ramblingggg but you asked about how i started seeking info and like #i dunno it was just kinda. i couldnt keep ignoring my symptoms and started with vulnerable narcissism and the DSM-5 and on from there iirc #btw imagine im telling you all this in like the corner of a cafe over some hot drinks n pastries or what have you. my digital treat to u

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