#my moms given me such a bad fucking relationship with money food and gifts

[moomoomooing]

someone needs to bail me out of class for the next too days and lock me in solitary so i can finally have some alone time and properly cry

#mmmmmmm my roommate has many habits that drive me insane #and im too scared to tell her off despite knowing holding it in will absolutely make me feel worse and worse #also i spilt ramen sauce all over my shit and on a white shirt i love so #one more thing to add to the cry abt list #also weird rant now #my moms given me such a bad fucking relationship with money food and gifts #and suddenly shes been so nice to me now that if feels suspicious #which is a really bad fucking thing to feel about your own mom #she got me cupcakes???? theyre being sent/for pickup via my college dining program which i didnt even know you could do #but idk why she did it in the first place nor why she didnt do it for my birthday if she did it at all? #anyways times like this makes me wish i was way more emotionally avaliable and less emotionally constipated #but i vent enough abt shit already that i feel like im whining and complaining more than anything so #a genuine hug from one of my friends or smth that doesnt immediantly give me the ick #bc i genuinely hate that it can happen to me for literally any of my friends #anyways a genuine hug would make me break down crying immediantly #this has been my rant of the day and my horror upon realizing i think one of my irl college friends actually follow me #hi if youre reading this #no you didnt

[journallingweeks]

feelings

My feelings towards my family members are so complex that I feel I'll live to deeply regret saying them out loud if anything were to happen to those family members, but not saying them or voicing them I believe, after reading, is literally bad for my health.

My complex relationship with my mom: I feel she is solely focused on her own life and our relationship is similar to that of really good friends - her love language is gifts, as is mine, so when she does this for me I am deeply deeply touched, and feel guilty for everything I've ever said. But at the same time, growing up we weren't given nutritious dinners - most nights we were getting food from the Deli or Joop - I often remember my uniform being stained and having a pile of clothes that I couldn't face on my bedroom floor - she could grow cold or distant when she was upset and could snap unexpectedly - she let me down a lot during college, when my friend died, or when everyone else's parents drove up often and sent up meals or made a fuss of their 21st, or helped them to learn to drive or encouraged them to begin at least - she knew I worked 40 hour weeks during the summers to pay for fees, whilst on 65 grand a year - finding out she had been purposely hiding this info from me, because in turn, I'd realise how far away we were from government funding, something I was trying to organise out of desperation for weeks. In college I sat in our year head's office crying because I had found out that day that my fees were going to be €200 more and that amount of money was colossal to me at the time- and I realised I simply couldn't pay them and had no-one to turn to. €200. It hurts that she hasn't shown much interest in seeing my bf's place that I'm moving into, or the attic in my sisters two summers ago that I spent weeks of my life renovating. It hurt when I came home from travelling for 3 months and the fridge was empty. It hurts to think how freely she'd bitch about my dad, taking full reign to turn us against him - realising in hindsight how skewed that perspective is - the hoarding being a massive issue that she won't face. Making out to be a monster and attempting to open up about my parent's sex lives which is so ridiculously out of my depth and something I'd literally hate to get into - the fact I even need to shut that down and tell her its a boundary is bizarre. The fact my sister, was 13 going out with a 19 year old, and when he gets exposed as a sex offender years later, she announces she feels sympathy for him.

the beautiful things about my mom! I love her so much. In some ways I have felt I will probably never love someone as much again. It is unconditional and I literally can not imagine my life without her. I feel like bawling my fucking eyes out when I think of her as a young girl, or on her wedding day or as a 13 year old. Or her relationship with our dog, or how much she'll miss her dad forever. She still wells up when she speaks of him and he died in 2017. She is softly spoken with tiny hands and shoulders. She loves crafts, music, art, scary films, milky tea, fantasy, shopping, going for coffees, her sister. She is a sensitive soul and emotional being. She will surprise me with my favourite lip balms and orders from cult beauty and hot water bottles. She will thoughtfully remember things I've mentioned in passing and loves to surprise. She loves trinkets and things. She has a stack of books higher than her bedside table next to her bed. She loves lavender and lemon. She is more gentle than I'll literally every be, in the way she moves and talks and thinks. She ADORES the cinema and fiction in general - 'anything escapist'. She's a feminist. When I was a teenager, and I had terrible mental health, she really really tried for me. She moved me out of a school I hated and absolutely fucked my least favourite teacher out of it, not only in person but following up with a scathing, well-articulated letter. She encouraged my artistic side by buying me paints and colours every Christmas. She made a massive effort for Christmas to be special - to keep the magic alive in it - we'd go to Blarney Woolen Mills after school and get Butler's hot chocolate there. She'd take us to Fota Christmas even as adults! We'd watch love actually by the fire with the dog. She has a great sense of humour - slightly dark and would throw her head back laughing at things. She has a secret language with her sister seemingly - that they can only understand. She loves to sing and has a beautiful voice. I love her so much. She makes an amazing milky coffee. If someone I met told me I was just like my mom, I would be so flattered. She wearings beautiful craft earrings with a matching printed coat and dress with clogs of some sort - stunning blue eyeliner with the cutest bob haircut and a fringe, always. Sometimes, in casual wear, she'll wear a low tiny bun, gold sleeper earrings and an oversized sweatshirt and it is so effortlessly beautiful. She uses her tiny hands when she's speaking or telling a story. I love her so much

[kireimarkeu]

retrouvailles; l.mk

THIS IS A REPOST!!!!

Summary: counting down the days until you finally see your long-distance boyfriend.

Mark is a jerk at one point. Also noticed how I put skype when they were calling through the phone and ft through laptop LOL

word count: 5.7k

Also lets pretend we can use spotify in korea ok

--Day 98

(10:33PM) Cutie: you idiot

(10:33PM) Cutie: answer my call!! You loserrrr

(10:34PM) You: omg give me a second

(10:35PM) You: ffs jshkdmj

(10:35PM) Cutie: omg what are you doing

(10:35PM) Cutie: why are you taking so long

(10:37PM) You: GIVE ME A SECOND 

(10:37PM) You:��im taking food

You plop onto your bed, placing the  plate of grapes on the mattress, resulting in some to topple out of the bowl. You quickly pop one in your mouth before turning on your laptop. 

Before you could even call Mark, he was already requesting a facetime with you. You immediately answered. 

“Finally,” your boyfriend huffs when the call was finally connected. 

You hum, your hands searching for more grapes that has dropped on your bed sheets, popping them in your mouth. 

“What are you eating?” he asks. 

“Grapes,” your voice came out muffled from chewing, but Mark understands. 

“That’s what took you so long?” he frowns, “I can cut a watermelon in 5 seconds,”

“I didn’t ask,” you bite back. 

Your boyfriend automatically raises his hand to flash his middle finger while you did the same back at him. 

“What time is it there?” you ask him with raised eyebrows. 

You were studying in Korea but because of the virus, you had to go back to Canada. You didn’t know how long you would be staying, but Mark had promised you that he would make it work. 

“Um,” he looks at the clock that was a hanging next to him, “it’s 2:30PM here,” he answers, looking back at you, “It’s about 11 there, right?”

You nod.

“Don’t you have class tomorrow?” Mark asks. 

Lucky for you, your classes has changed to the local timing in Canada. Meaning, you don’t need to stay up at ungodly hours for your classes. 

“I think I can wake up tomorrow,”

“Do you want me to call you?”

“Please,” you pout.

Mark scowls jokingly at you, “the things I do for my girlfriend,”

You giggle innocently at your boyfriend, “I love you,” you make a heart with your hands, grinning at your laptop. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he rolls his eyes. 

--Day 90

“Babe, look up,” you call. 

Mark looks up to see you holding your phone up, obviously filming him through the screen. 

“What?”

He could hear you grinning from behind your phone.

“Smile,” you instruct. 

He grins awkwardly while you let out a snort from behind the screen. You put your phone down, typing something before looking back up at your boyfriend. 

“What did you do?” 

You look up at him, biting back a smile— to which you failed, “go check Instagram,”

Mark immediately opens Instagram to see that you had posted something on your private Instagram. Only him and the members are following your private account since your relationship is still private. 

He clicks on the bubble to see a video of him that you had recorded. When he smiles, his face morphed into a horse from of the filter you were using. Mark couldn’t help but chuckle at the funny effect. 

“Okay, that’s kinda funny,” he admits. 

He looks back up at you to see you holding your phone in front of your face again, probably trying another filter on him again. 

“Is this another ugly filter, again?” whines your boyfriend. 

You laugh, your phone not covering your face anymore, “it’s not!”

“Don’t lie,”

Your giggles got louder, “it’s not! I swear!”

“Fine,” he huffs. He straightens his back and stares at the camera, waiting for you to finish recording. 

You put your phone down re-watching the video, chuckles leaving your lips. 

“What filter did you use?”

“It’s on my insta, baby,”

He looks down on his phone again to see that you have posted another story. He immediately clicks on it to see it was an NCT filter. 

‘Who is your NCT Bias?’  Was written on top of his head.

Mark waits for the filter to show the result. He grimaced when he got Jeno. He swipes up to reply to your story to send you a message. 

markleeee99 replied to your story: ewww

--Day 87

(1:18PM) mwark: hello baby

(1:20PM) you: wht im having class rn

(1:20PM) mwark: so

(1:25PM) you: i have class??? go away loser

(1:25PM) mwark: :( I just wanna talk to my girlfriend tho :/

(1:27PM) you: later

(1:27PM) mwark: nooo 

(1:33PM) you: omg youre an idol why are you so free

(1:34PM) you: go dance or rap or smth

(1:34PM) mwark: babyyyy

(1:35PM) you: im putting my phone on dnd

(1:35PM) mwark: nooo

(1:35PM) mwark: babe

(1:40PM) mwark: did you actually leave me D:

(1:40PM) mwark: ok whatev

(1:40PM) mwark: I was about to send you something but I guess I won’t now

(1:40PM) mwark: are you still ignoring me????

(1:41PM) mwark: omg babe I was jst joking I’ll send you some gifts

(1:41PM) mwark: booo u suck :(

--Day 81

This time, it was slightly different. Instead of your usual late-night calls through the computer, you had immediately skype him through your phone when you had received a package from Korea. 

“You got me something?” you ask loudly when your boyfriend answered your call. 

“Jeez, hello to you too, babe,” he rolls his eyes, “and yea, did it arrive?”

“What did you get me? And what type of shipping did you choose? It arrived so quickly,” 

The box was pretty heavy, so you had to put your phone down to place the huge box on the counter before bringing your phone back into view. 

“Express, I paid like extra,” Mark answers, eyeing you through the screen.

You click your tongue, opening the drawer to take out a knife, “stop wasting your money, you dumbass,”

Mark didn’t reply, instead he waits for you to open the package.

You let out a sigh, “what did you get me this time?”

You open the cardboard box, a navy-blue hoodie covering the top of it. You pull it out, looking at Mark who has a smile plastered on his face. 

“Is this your hoodie?!” you squeal, putting it on yourself. 

Your heart melt when the familiar scent fills your nostrils. It smells just like Mark. 

“Canada is getting cold isn’t it? Keep yourself warm, baby,”

You lean over to take everything out from the box. Mark had given you his half-used cologne that he uses on a daily.

“I bought a new one just so I could give you mine,” he tells you, a playful smirk on his lips. 

He had also packed some of your favourite Korean snacks, and some that you haven’t tried before. Along with some matching phone cases for the both of you. 

“Now I feel bad I didn’t get anything for you,” you frown., pulling the hoodie over your head.

“Don’t be,” he reassures you, “being able to see you is already enough,”

You scrunch your nose in disgust, “cringey, Mark-ie,”

“Fuck you,” he chuckles, flashing his middle finger at you. 

Your eyes widen when he cursed, “my mom’s home, you idiot!”

You laugh loudly when Mark’s eyes widen in surprise, both his hands covering his mouth. 

“Y/N?” you hear your mom call from the living room, “who are you talking to?”

Before you could even reply, your mother was walking towards you. 

“It’s Mark,” you answer as your mother got into frame to see Mark. 

“Mark! It has been a while, how’s Korea?”

Your boyfriend greeted your mom politely, a grin plastered on his face. Your mom was about to reach for your phone to talk to Mark, but you frown and pull away. 

“Noo, I wanna talk to Mark,”

You gathered the gifts Mark had given you in your arms before skipping up the stairs to your room, to spend the whole day (night for him) with him.

--Day 80

“Yo, Mark, there’s some food left outside, do you want it?” you heard Johnny ask from through the screen. 

Mark turns to look at the intruder, “knock next time, dude,” groans Mark. 

“Is that y/n?” 

Johnny suddenly enters the frame with a gummy grin, waving enthusiastically at you.

“Hi Johnny, how are you?” you smile, waving back at the older boy. 

Just when Johnny was about to get comfortable on Mark’s bed, your boyfriend let out string of whines, moving his phone until you could only see his cheeks. 

“Ah, that’s enough,” your boyfriend says in annoyance, “y/n is tired, goodnight, baby.”

You  couldn’t even reply because Mark had already ended the skype call. 

You pout, opening your messenger to send a text to your boyfriend. 

(7:35PM) You: heyyy why’d you end the call? ):

(7:36PM) Bubba: sorry

(7:36PM) Bubba: johnny was being annoying

(7:36PM) You: he wasn’t tho ):

(7:36PM) You: can we call again?

(7:38PM) Bubba: sorry angel

(7:38PM) Bubba: johnny wants me to go make music

(7:38PM) Bubba: later tonight?

(7:38PM) You: oky

(7:42PM) You: love u!

(7:42PM) Bubba: love u too 

(7:42PM) Bubba: <3

--Day 76

You were in the middle of facetiming mark when your phone vibrates from a text. You raise your eyebrows, thinking it was Mark. 

(12:11AM) Johnny: hey

(12:11AM) Johnny: I need to ask you something

(12:13AM) You: yeah?

(12:13AM) Johnny: is mark okay lately?

(12:13AM) You: he seems fine to me, why? Did something happen?

(12:14AM) Johnny: I don’t know if I should tell you about this

(12:14AM) Johnny: but

(12:14AM) Johnny: youre the only one who can probably help him

(12:14AM) You: help him with what?

You look up at your laptop to see that Mark’s eyes was still glued on his phone. Probably playing some games. 

(12:17AM) Johnny: he hasn’t been eating lately

(12:19AM) Johnny: he doesn’t really tell us stuff anymore so I was wondering you would’ve known something?

(12:22AM) You: oh

(12:22AM) You: he hasn’t told me anything

(12:23AM) You: I’ll talk to him about it

(12:25AM) You: thanks johnny :)

“Hey,” you jump at your boyfriend’s voice. You snap your head to look at your boyfriend who was already staring at you with curious eyes. “What are you so busy with?”

You clear your throat, shaking your head, tossing your phone to the side. 

“I wanna ask you something,” you say.

“Whats up?”

You scratch your head, unsure of how to put it into words without offending your boyfriend. You knew he hated being babied but you still want to care for him. He was your other half, after all. 

“Have you been eating well lately?”

You could sense Mark was stunned by the random question. He looks away from your wary eyes. 

“Who told you?”

“Mark—”

“It was Johnny wasn’t it?” he cuts you off in anger. “God damn it, this is why I don’t want you talking to my friends,”

Why was he making this such a big deal?

“Mark I was just asking a simple question, why are you acting this way?” you argued back. 

He shakes his head, threading his fingers through his black hair stressfully. 

“I need to go Y/N,” sighs your boyfriend, “Goodnight,”

“Mark—” you were too late. Mark had already ended the call. 

A heavy sigh left your lips as you lied down on your bed. 

You weren’t sure if you should text him or give him space. Should you apologize? Was it your fault for bringing it up?

After thinking for a while, you decided to send him a text. 

(8:33PM) You: hi baby. I was just asking because I was worried about you. I know you hate it when I baby you, but I’m just looking out for you. I didn’t mean to bother you

(8:33PM) You: please don’t blame your friends for this. 

(8:36PM) You: I’m sorry, okay?

(8:40PM) You: I just want you to eat healthily. I’m not there to take care of you and I just want you to be healthy.

(8:47PM) You: just text me whenever so we can talk this out

(8:57PM) You: goodnight, mark

--Day 75

(12:03PM) Lovey: hey

(12:03PM) Lovey: I was thinking and realised how selfish I acted towards you

(12:05PM) Lovey: I know you were just looking out for me and I was just wasn’t in the mood because of how stressful it has been

(12:05PM) Lovey: please don’t apologize. Its my fault

(12:15PM) You: why haven’t you been eating?

(12:15PM) Lovey: comeback

(12:15PM) Lovey: I’m trying to lose some cheeks for this comeback

(12:30PM) Lovey: sorry for worrying you

(12:31PM) You: whaa…

(12:33PM) You: but you know my favourite part of your face is your cheeks D:

(12:33PM) Lovey: :(

(12:33PM) You: will you start eating again?

(12:35PM) You: im not going to force you, mark. It’s really up to you. 

(12:35PM) Lovey: im eating right now

(12:35PM) You: what are you eating

(12:38PM) Lovey: cereal

(12:38PM) Lovey: and um some left over sushi from yesterday

(12:38PM) You: ohhh sounds delicious

(12:40PM) You: okay I wont disturb you anymore, have fun eating bby

As you were about to put your phone away but there was an incoming videocall from your boyfriend. A small chuckle left your lips as you answered the call.

­--Day 73

“Yo, did you see it?!” was the first thing Mark had asked you when you answered his call. 

You raise your eyebrows in confusion, sitting up from your laying position, “see what?”

“We just posted a new dance practice; did you not see it?” his eyes widen dismay. 

You shook your head, grabbing your laptop from the table, placing it on your lap, “nope, my phone was on dnd,”

“How did you answer my call, then?”

“You’re in my favourites dumbass,” 

You type in your password before searching YouTube and clicking on the video that your boyfriend was talking about. 

While watching the video, you placed your phone resting on the laptop so Mark could see your face. Throughout the whole video, you were singing softly to the song. 

“Did you see that?! Did you see it?” Mark suddenly yells through the screen during the dance break part. 

You jump a little, “what? What? What did I miss?”

He groans at you, “the bracelet! Johnny dropped it!”

“Huh?” you press the arrow to repeat it again and you noticed how Johnny’s bracelet fell while he was dancing. 

“Wait a little more, I picked it up! Like a professional!”

You waited a little longer and your boyfriend was right. While he was getting into position, your boyfriend had swept the bracelet in his hands. 

You grin, “proud of you, babe,”

You wanted to continue watching but your laptop started lagging from the terrible wi-fi. You groan in annoyance, pressing pause, hoping it would reload but it only hangs even more. 

“God damnit, this fucking wi-fi,”

“Should I buy you a router? Or a new laptop?” he jokes. 

--Day 71

(9:02PM) You: hey wanna call?

(9:02PM) You: today was so stressful I just wanna talk to you

(10:12PM) You: ahh you must be busy with comeback

(9:32PM) You: sorry babe! We’ll jst call tmr? :)

(9:33PM) You: love u! make sureee u drink lots of water <3

-Day 67

Mark lets out an aspirated sigh as he answers your facetime call. “What, Y/N?”

You frown at the way he greets you. He was moody probably because he just finished practicing. 

You could tell from how he was laying on his bed without a shirt on, or how he would repeatedly thread his fingers through his black locks. 

“I just wanted to talk to you,” you mumble out softly, your eyes softening, feeling guilty that you were disturbing him. 

You bit your lip anxiously when Mark simply sighs, rolling his eyes slightly, “should we just call another time?” 

He sighs once more, moving around until he lays on his side, “no, no, what’s up?”

You felt a little hesitant, unsure if he was being sarcastic or not. Mark wasn’t the type to approach something if he doesn’t like it, he would just go with the flow. 

You shook your head, laying back down onto your bed, “No, you’re tired and I shouldn’t be disturbing you right now.”

Mark opens his mouth but you cut him off, “Sorry, Mark. Goodnight.”

You quickly end the call with a heavy heart, throwing your phone next to you. You knew you shouldn’t be expecting an incoming call from your boyfriend, but you shamelessly waited for his specific ringtone. 

It did break your heart a little when you didn’t get any response from your boyfriend. 

That night, you had spent your time watching Netflix with tears rolling down your cheeks. 

-Day 62

“Y/N?”

A choked sob left your throat, your hands wiping the tears running down your cheeks. 

“Y/N? Are you okay?” Johnny’s voice filled your ears. 

You gulp as your heart clench painfully when you hear Mark’s laughter in the background. 

“Y/N, d-do you want me to pass the phone to Mark?”

“N-no,” you quickly say out, pausing a little. Hiccups leaving your lips, “d-don’t… please,”

“Okay?” Johnny replies in uncertainty, “Are you… okay? Should I beat Mark up?” he jokes. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to smile. “How is he doing?” you whisper, but Johnny could hear very clearly. 

You assumed that he had moved somewhere else since you can’t hear the boys screaming in the background. 

“Did something happen?” Johnny asks, “I’m not with them right now, so you can tell me.”

You remember the last time you had last talked to Mark.

It has been exactly 5 days since the both of you last texted— or even called. You weren’t sure why or how it happened. 

It had taken a big toll on you— you couldn’t focus during lessons and you had spent most of the nights wide awake, thinking what had gone wrong. You had contemplated multiple times whether you should send him a text, but every time you push yourself to say something, you would always remember how busy he is. 

“We haven’t been talking for a while,” you answer painfully, “but he’s doing fine, right?”

You hope he’s doing fine.

You hear Johnny lets out an agitated sigh, “Don’t worry Y/N, I’ll go talk to him, okay?”

“Just… don’t stress him out even more.”

“I won’t. Just… stop crying over him, okay?” he says, “Mark is an idiot, he’s not worth crying over.”

A small giggle leaves your lips, “you sound like a girl right now,”

-Day 61

(12:12AM) Mark: hey babe

(12:12AM) Mark: johnny just talked to me about what happened

(12:13AM) Mark: can we talk?

(12:45AM) You: okay

(12:45AM) Mark: great, I’ll call you

(12:45AM) You: no

(12:46AM) You: we’ll text

(12:46AM) You: here

You just know that you would be a sobbing mess once you hear Mark’s voice. 

(12:46AM) Mark: oh

(12:46AM) Mark: okay

(12:46AM) Mark: youre okay tho

(12:47AM) Mark: right

(12:52AM) You: mhm

(12:52AM) Mark: that’s great um

(12:52AM) Mark: i didn’t know you were feeling that way

(12:53AM) Mark: i’ve been so busy lately i forgot to text or call you

(12:53AM) Mark: and that is not your fault at all

(12:53AM) Mark: i shouldn’t be acting like that in the first place

(12:54AM) Mark: its just really hard with timezones and everything

(12:54AM) Mark: especially with the comeback and all

(12:54AM) You: what are you saying mark?

(12:55AM) Mark: what?

(12:58AM) You: are you breaking up with me?

(12:58AM) Mark: wat? no. what.

(12:58AM) You: wait so we’re not breaking up?

(12:58AM) Mark: what

(12:58AM) Mark: no of course not what are you saying?

(12:59AM) You: I DON’T KNOW 

(12:59AM) You: i thought you wanted to break up

(12:59AM) Mark: no I don’t want to what the fuck

(12:59AM) You: so we’re good now right?

-Day 51

 Soft melodies were playing in the background while the both of you were doing different things. 

You were sitting on your chair, your elbows pressing painfully against your desk, working on your homework diligently. Your phone was perched on your lamp, making sure Mark could see your face.

Your boyfriend was laying on his bed with a notebook laying in front of him, a pen in his hand while he thought of lyrics. He had his legs swinging back and forth behind him cutely. 

You exhale loudly as you re-read the same question over and over again. 

Mark immediately looks up, “you okay?”

You hum without even looking at him before you continued doing your work. 

Mark decides to leave you alone as to not distract you. He rests his cheek against his arm as he tries to think of another sentence to finish the song he was working on. 

His eyes slowly dart towards you who had their eyebrows furrowed cutely, a pout plastered on your lips, baby hairs littering against your forehead and cheeks. 

Without even realising, a small smile spreads across Mark’s lips. His breath slows down as he relaxed and stares at your figure. 

Multiple sentences that could be used as lyrics flooded through his head. He quickly sits up to write the flood of inspiration that was bursting through his veins. 

-Day 43

(2:53AM) boyfie: duuudee!!

(2:53AM) boyfie: vlive!!

(2:53AM) boyfie: quick!!!!!

(3:15AM) You: omg ok give me a sec

(3:15AM) You: I just woke up

With a yawn, you open the vlive app and click on the NCT127 page to enter the live your boyfriend was doing. 

‘Hi’ you type in the comment section. You stare at your boyfriend, scanning his facial expression to notice your comment. 

Exactly 5 seconds later, a huge grin spreads across his lips as he looks up at the camera to wave. 

It eased you to know that he was waving at you, for you. Maybe you were being selfish, but you were glad that Mark was yours. Although it does get on your nerves when you see your friends post about how much he loves your boyfriend. 

‘mark is so handsome’ you typed. 

Unfortunately, Mark didn’t notice your comment, but Donghyuck did. Donghyuck nudges your boyfriend, who immediately responded, turning to look at him. 

His friend showed him your comment, which your boyfriend immediately smiles to. 

‘I love mark lee so much!!!’

A few seconds later Mark creates a small heart at the camera before looking away with crimson red cheeks. 

-Day 38

“So you and Mina, huh?” you say bitterly, rolling your eyes. 

You were referring to the interaction between the two when Mina was leaving music bank. You might’ve been slightly jealous of the chemistry between the two, especially when all the fans would ship the both of them.

Mark can only watch you in amusement, a small smile playing along his lips. 

“Is she better than me?” you say sarcastically, clicking your tongue, 

You envied their friendship. Someone who was merely a friend was able to see your boyfriend so easily. 

His face softens, “you know she’s not like that, baby,” his tone was soft, easy to persuade you. 

Baby. You wanted to scoff at that. He only used that term when he was trying to win your heart. 

You huff, crossing your arms violently. “You’re always with her!”

He chuckles, looking down at his phone before looking back up at you quickly.

You pout at the boy through the screen, “you love me more, right Mark?”

He sarcastically rolls his at your question. What kind of question was that?

His face scrunches in disgust, “Firstly, I don’t even love Mina that way, babe,” he tells you, “and secondly, the only person I love you, alright? So stop being jealous you wimp.”

“Wimp?” you scoff, “and you’re my boyfriend?”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Just as you were about to respond to him, your phone vibrated with a notification. You look down and gaped. 

_happiness_o wants to send you a message.

“Mark…”

You unlocked your phone to see the message that Mina was trying to send you.

“You told her?!” you exclaimed, looking up at your boyfriend who was stifling  his laughter. “Mark! Why would you do that?!” you whine, throwing your phone next to you. 

“In my defence, I didn’t tell her to send you a text,” he says, “I was just talking about how cute you were being!”

-Day 22

You were laying on your side, deep in a slumber while Mark stares at you lovingly. 

Your cheek pressed cutely against your pillow which made your lips pout cutely. The little pieces of hair adorning your temples and cheeks only made Mark want to push it back against your ear. Something he would do every time you were sleeping with him. 

He suddenly got an idea and fishes out his phone, searching a filter that he had saved for this particular moment.

He clicks on the filter, waiting for it to load for a moment, before adjusting the angle so the filter could scan his face properly. Once he was sure it won’t budge, he presses record. 

‘your soulmate is sleeping right now’

A sad smile adorns his lips, looking at you through the screen. He flips the camera, zooming into your sleeping form then ending the video. 

Mark was quite hesitant to post it since he was never the type to post about his relationship with you. But these past few days has been hitting him differently. 

He missed you so much, he swore he could go crazy. He had spent another unreasonable amount on you again. He couldn’t even sleep because you were always stuck on his mind.

He bit his lip anxiously before posting the video on his Instagram story. He noticed how your phone vibrated right when it was uploaded— you had his notifications on.

-Day 15

“So it’s gonna be forever~” you sing loudly, pointing your hairbrush to Mark who was laughing loudly through the screen. 

“Or it’s gonna go down in flames…” he sings off tune. 

While you were busy singing and dancing from all Taylor Swift’s song, Mark had stealthily recorded you with his phone to upload them on his private Instagram. 

‘idiot. But my idiot’ he captioned before tagging you and posting it on his page. 

“Sing with me, Mark!” you shout, looking at your boyfriend. “Cherry lips, crystal skies, I could show you incredible things,” you sang, pointing at Mark. 

Your boyfriend blushes when he realizes you were singing to him. 

You cough loudly before clearing your throat after blaring out lyrics to Taylor swift. You reach for your cup of water before gulping it down. 

“What song should we sing to next?” you ask, scrolling down through you and Mark’s playlist. The both of you had shared one account ever since he found out the both of you shared the same music taste. 

“Should we do a rap?” he suggests. 

You smirk up at him, “oooh, because you’re a rapper, huh? Okay, okay.”

You thumb press on ‘Beauty and a Beat’ by Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj. 

“I’m a better rapper than you, Mark Lee,” you shout at your boyfriend before rapping to Nicki Minaj’s part. 

It was so adorable at how you stumbled over some words, or when you had your eyebrows furrowed trying to rap to the lyrics.

At this moment, Mark thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world. You had your hair tied up in the ugliest bun he has ever seen, but you looked so adorable, especially in the huge t-shirt you were wearing. But most importantly, the huge grin plastered on your lips and tint of red adorning your cheeks, puts a smile on Mark’s face.

Right when the song has ended, you let out a tired sigh, lying against your bed. 

“Am I better than you, Markie?”

He bit back a smile and nodded, “you should replace me in NCT, babe,”

You pretend to think, “I should, shouldn’t I?”

-Day 7

You were talking about Mark about your friend who had pissed you off earlier today.

He shrugs, “honestly, I saw that coming. I never liked her,”

You groan, throwing your head back, “I know right,” you stress, “I should’ve listened to you,”

Mark rests his cheek against his palm, “so what are you going to do?”

You pout, “I don’t know. What should I do, Mark?”

Your boyfriend hums, thinking for a while, “I think it’s best if you cut her off. She doesn’t deserve you, babe.”

You let out an aspirated sigh, frowning. “she was just a close friend…” you trailed off sadly. 

“I know, baby,” he coos, “but your mental health is important too.”

Your eyes widen cutely, “I love you,”

That caught your boyfriend off-guard, his eyes widen in awe. “w-what, don’t be weird!” he sputters out.

“You’re weird!” you bite back. 

-Day 3

“Mark,” you call out, your boyfriend immediately humming. “I learnt a new tiktok dance,”

He raises his eyebrows. He has never downloaded Tiktok but he knows how much you love the app. Most of the time the both of you were calling, you would be scrolling through the app, sending him links of videos that you found funny. 

It was a secret: Mark never actually watches the video. But you do not need to know that. 

“Show me, baby,”

You stood up, adjusting your laptop in a decent position. You reach for your phone to play the music before you started dancing. 

Mark recognized the song as Savage. It was a song that Taeyong would constantly play. 

Your boyfriend’s eyes widen in bewilderment, amazed at how good you were at dancing.

“Woah, woah,” he gapes when you started throwing back. 

When the song ended, you ambled towards your laptop, “how was it? Was I good? Was I as good as Taeyong and Johnny?”

He rolls his eyes at that, “do you do it to other people?”

“What?”

“The throwing back thing,”

Ah. He was jealous. 

You shrug, looking away from his intense gaze, “I don’t know. I was planning to ask some of my friends about their opinion.”

“Y/N,” he says sternly.

“I was joking! Jeez. You’re such a party pooper.” 

-Day 2

You laid on your side, your arm supporting your head. A movie was playing on your laptop screen but you could only stare at Mark’s face. 

He was busy laughing at one of the scenes but you couldn’t focus from his handsome face. 

He was wearing the ugly black glasses that he chose a few weeks ago, but he still looked so good in your eyes. His black hair was styled messily from laying around.

“Babe, are you watching?” his eyes widen cutely after sensing how quiet you were being. 

“I am,” you mumble out, but your eyes never leaved your boyfriend’s screen.

“Okay,” he whispers, resting his body as he continued watching the movie that was played on the screen. 

At this moment in time, you wanted to tell Mark how much you love him. You wanted to smother him in kisses.

“Mark,” you called. You realise how he had paused the movie that was playing to listen to you. “I love you,” you tell him. 

Mark was frozen for a second, confused yet flustered by your sudden confusion. He smirks, playing the movie, “weirdo. I love you too, you cutie.”

-Day 1

(11:01PM) bub: babyyyy hiiiii

(11:01PM) bub: wanna call ;)

(11:05PM) bub: hello why r u not replying

(11:05PM) bub: it’s only 11 there

(11:10PM) bub: I know youre not asleep babe

(11:10PM) bub: arghhh

(11:10PM) bub: are you asleep????

(11:10PM) bub: :(

(11:10PM) bub: well ok gn bb I’ll talk to you tmr

(11:10PM) bub: love youuuu

D-DAY

You were laying on Mark’s bed restlessly, waiting for your boyfriend to reach his dorm. When you heard the door unlock, a grin spread across your lips when you saw your boyfriend walk in. 

“Hi Mark,” you greet, waving at your boyfriend.

Mark looks up at you and nods, “hi y/n,” he says back before turning the other way to go to the bathroom.

You bit back a smile quietly, giving him a minute to realise. You quietly stood up by the bed to amble towards your boyfriend.

“Wait,” he pauses, turning around slowly, his eyes widening at the sight of you walking up to him, “w-what? Is this real? y/n?”

You smile at him, spreading your arms, waiting for him to tackle you in a hug. “I’m here, baby.”

“Oh my god,” he breathes out before rushing towards you to pull you against his chest. “You’re here, oh my god,”

You rest your head on his chest, wrapping your arms tightly around his waist. You’ve missed the moment for so long. For more than 3 months, you had to live without Mark’s presence.

He pulls you away, his hand gripping your shoulder tightly. “How— what are you doing here?!” he exclaims. 

Your cheeks were hurting from smiling so much, “to see you, of course!”

“You surprised me!” he exclaims, pulling you in for another hug, “oh my god, you scared me so much, I love you so much. When did you get here? You didn’t answer my texts yesterday!”

“I love you too and I was in the plane, I couldn’t text you back,” you reply, however your voice was muffled by the black cotton shirt he was wearing. You pull away, looking up at him, “are you not going to kiss me?” you asked abruptly.

He looks down at you with wide eyes, “w-what. That is so sudden, don’t say that!” he stutters out, looking away from you. 

You pout at him, wrapping your arms around his neck, “what? I came all the way here, didn’t get enough sleep just to see my boyfriend but he won’t kiss me?”

He scowls at you, his arm dropping to rest around your waist. He leans down to connect both your lips. You felt your heart spark when you felt his lips graze against yours. 

You didn’t even realise you were pulling him down even more to kiss him deeper. Mark’s grip on your waist tightened, pulling you even closer. 

“Ah, the kids have finally met,” you heard someone say from behind you two. 

Mark and you pull away breathlessly, his lips tinted a bright shiny red. The both of you turn around to see Taeil standing at the door. 

Your boyfriend whines, “Go away, Hyung,”

#mark #mark lee #mark lee scenarios #mark lee drabbles #mark lee imagines #mark lee angst #mark lee fluff #mark lee smut #nct #nct127 #nct dream #superm #wayv #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct drabbles #nct angst #nct fluff #nct smut #scenarios #drabbles #imagines #angst #fluff #smut

[sarahlynnirl]

Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]

#terf safe #terfs please touch #terfs please interact #radfem #radical feminists please touch #radical feminst #radical feminism #terf #swerfs please interact #swerf #anti prostitution #addiction #recovery #terfs do touch #sugardadddy

[okay-victoria]

Random Personal Rant

For anyone somehow here not from the original thread, this started off me getting asked what finishing school is and me getting shit off my chest that is only mildly relevant about how I could both be of the social class that gets sent to finishing school and grows up on welfare.

With an understanding that in many parts of the world it wouldn't qualify as so, as far as the US goes, my dad is from what counts as a very old money family from Baltimore & Philadelphia. Both his siblings went to college and one now owns a major hedge fund, and his sister is married to a C-level executive at a huge conglomerate. His parents went to college. His grandparents went to college. All eight of his great grandparents went to college. My dad...did not go to college. He was not about that life, and while I don't mean it as an insult, when I say his primary occupation until I was ~5 was a drummer in a mediocre band I mean that he opened for a lot of great acts, and if you lived in the Boston to Atlanta area in the 80s you may have heard him play, but he was never a huge national name. But he wasn't an amateur band playing for free at some random local gig either.

My mom grew up on a chicken farm in a Mennonite family in Pennsylvania but also completely rejected her heritage and became a model, sort of like my father, of mediocre status. Not Giselle Bundchen, but had national contracts and if you have a Graco ad/box from 1990-1993 you might see both me and her on it. They met because my mom's friends placed bets, one each, on who could sleep with a member of their favorite local band first and my mom picked my dad and...my mom was actually supposed to go be a model in Tokyo and found out she was pregnant with me and couldn't go 😂

So, after my parents had two kids back to back with a third on the way and determined they needed lifestyles more in line with having three children, they became much poorer than they originally were because my mom stopped working and my dad, with a barely-passed-high-school education but needing a true "day job" worked day labor in construction. My dad's father was too proud to give us money/help if my dad didn't beg for it; despite having eventually four young children my dad never did so we ended up on all the state assistance programs one could imagine. My grandma jokes that dinners at my parents house were BYOC - bring your own chair, because we didn't own any.

My mother and paternal grandmother had no such pride issues and I live in eternal gratitude that my welfare childhood was not as crappy as it should have been because my grandmother would have my mom accompany her on grocery runs and buy us food without my father or grandfather knowing, and every Christmas and birthday my grandparents/godparents could give us the one big ticket gift all the kids wanted that year. But, on the other side, I once got stung by a bee inside my mouth because my brother threw a hairbrush through a cracked window at me and broke it and we couldn't afford to fix it for about two years and a hornet got in one day and rested himself in my coke can (my parents were the very American type that fed me coca-cola in baby bottles at age 8 when I was jealous of my younger siblings lol).

It is hard not to believe in "toxic masculinity" when two men warring over dumbass pride issues would rather their children/grandchildren go without food than suck it up and decide 'help' isn't the worst word in the English language, and you know you've only been saved by two women who came from totally different backgrounds and entirely disapproved of each other but reached out the hand to shake when it came down to toddlers getting the short end of the don't-bend-the-knee stick. It wasn't that either of the men were bad people, I loved them both and got along great with both, but on a societal level I feel they were socialized in a very fucked up way if that was the end result, as both claimed "male pride" in these instances [my dad took multiple thousands of dollars I'd saved from working during college from me during the 2008-2010 financial crisis and didn't tell me and that was the reason I was given for why I hadn't been informed/asked, because it would be too emotionally difficult for an adult man to ask a young woman. My graduation present was them repaying me 1/3 of the money they'd taken from me without asking because I'd like, trusted them when it had been in a joint account that was a holdover from when I was <18 and couldn't have my own bank account].

While in some ways my parents on the surface achieved the American dream of going from nothing to a bunch of money, the real factor in play was that my dad's father was the bank. My parents had no credit and couldn't get real loans. My dad worked construction and during the two major periods that flipping houses was very lucrative, he never had to get an actual loan or pay actual interest, he just had to ask his father to pay out cash and then repay him at a flat 2% interest rate that didn't even accrue over time, just...whenever you are ready, repay the value of the loan + 2%. Because my father was doing something productive, in these instances, my grandfather was happy to pay, because it wasn't giving away money, it was loaning it. I had a very weird situation of mostly being poor but like also getting taken to the "big donors" events at the Kennedy Center and my grandparents regularly buying me a dress as a child worth more than my mom's wedding dress and also needing to pretend I fit in with these people.

And look. When I say "these people"...honestly, by and large, most wealthy people, whether inherited or not, are not the assholes you want to imagine. Most of them are extremely nice. Most of them are generous when it comes to the less fortunate who are in their personal sphere of being. Most of them are just really out of touch. The 100% kindest of all of them that I know once relayed to me that she thought people would be happier if once a year they did what she did...go to the airport with a purse packed full of absolute necessities, buy a one way ticket to the most appealing destination on the flight board, buy your clothes and book your accommodations after you'd arrived, and come back after you felt you'd 'centered' yourself. She didn't understand why there were so many unhappy people who weren't taking this very obvious route to being happier. I didn't quite know how to explain that saying "most" people couldn't afford to do that either financially or from a job/career angle didn't even cover it, as "most" sounds like 70% instead of 99.7%.

I was both my parents eldest son and eldest daughter in the worst combination possible. I was the eldest son because I was the most stereotypically male of all my siblings, in everything from desire to physically fight the battles I was given to dislike of shopping/fashion to lack of emotional connection to my relationships, so I can now fix your average household plumbing/drywall/electrical issue better than most "city" guys I interact with and remain less clingy to them in the process. I was also very much the oldest daughter from a responsibility perspective, I managed our household and from age 10 - 24 managed the finances of our family business, my mom almost died giving birth to my youngest brother after a ruptured uterus that should never have happened in the first place if we had adequate insurance to get her a non-emergency C-section (I was just past 9 years old at the time) and I was informally withdrawn from school for two years to take care of the family when she couldn't because there is no paid parental leave in the US and we got double-fucked by the medical industry because she got a bad "mesh" put in and then had to have a further surgery to repair that which we also had to pay for and didn't have the money to win a lawsuit over.

I don't know quite how to put this, but in the deepest fuck you of the universe, my rich-immigrant-ggggg grandfather's money led to him owning banks, insurance companies, etc, and the family cashed out in a big way when their ownership was bought by and merged with what is now Cigna, one of the biggest US healthcare insurers, and my nuclear family specifically got screwed by the American health insurance industry, but anyway, we were the people selected for that karmic comeuppance so if you want to feel schadenfreude at my expense, I'll allow it without begrudging the sentiment, my family might have fucked up your family’s life too, not just their own.

I got up twice a night to feed my brother because my dad had to sleep unmolested in my room to get to work and my mom was too weak to carry my brother or even hold him against her while she nursed so I had to hold him up to her. Adjusting to living in a city and hearing lots of random noises all the time was not easy when I'd had mom sound instincts from age 9.

I learned to drive the fall my youngest bro was born because my mom couldn't and I had to get my middle brother to preschool and go the grocery store on my own. While I hold absolutely no ill will towards my father or grandfather for this and given that about 1/3 of my paternal family either has an autism diagnosis or should, I fully feel the struggles they both went through to be communicated with, my father wouldn't ask for help, and my grandmother that lived 20 minutes away couldn't give enough help because my grandfather refused to do a single dish on his own as that was outside their "marriage contract" type agreement and she couldn't ever stay with us overnight when there wasn't a clearly-communicated need, so they let the burden fall on a 9 - 11 year old child and that really shaped a lot of my life in both good and bad ways. My youngest brother is 22, and we have only just climbed out of the medical debt his birth left us with between my dad's life insurance and my oldest brother and I paying for the extra cost of out-of-state college tuition.

The irony of all of this is that because my father died before his father, when my grandmother dies, my siblings and I will all inherit enough money (as a non-blood relative my mom, despite keeping her vows to part at death and not having remarried in eight years, is cut out entirely) to make this a non-issue, but my grandfather couldn't conscience spotting his unluckiest child some money in the end of days to pay for my youngest two brothers' education and take that worry off my father as he was dying. The day before he died I had to hold him down in bed to keep him from trying to climb in his truck to go to work because he was so anxious about trying to provide for us in spite of his father having fuck you money, because his father didn't think it was fair to the other siblings (who, at the time, still owned a major hedge fund and were married to a C-level executive of a huge conglomerate). A day and a half later I went back to my job because at the time I was then the sole provider for the family and didn't want to risk asking for the standard week's bereavement leave when I knew I was capable of showing up at work the next day and was fresh out of college so hadn't built up a reputation yet.

My father worked the day each of us was born, so I suppose it is only fair and he smiled at the choice. In spite of what it may seem, I gave a baller and very heartfelt speech at his funeral to all his rich friends that over and above everything, he'd taught us how to be happy with our own lives no matter what, and multiple of them emailed my mom in the aftermath to say they'd reassessed their relationship with their children in light of it, although...tbh I kind of doubt that lasted and they probably changed nothing 😅. The last good talk I had with him, two weeks before he died [his liver was going and it sent toxins to his brain that de-personed him after that and he no longer recognized me as his daughter, but as his sister], I reassured him that though we would all be sad he'd gone, we'd live on just fine without him because that's how he'd raised us, and according to my mom that was what gave him the final bit of peace he needed. Although honestly, I don't think I will ever see the strength in another human again that it took my grandmother to sit next to him and stroke his hand and tell him to close his eyes and imagine he was happy on a beach and die, for God's sake, because he was unaware and in pain and just prolonging it for our sake by then.

That type of obsession my grandfather had with assessing his children and grandchildren on the basis of economic productivity and a very black and white idea of "fair" is one you don't easily forget, I promise you. My hedge fund uncle is currently positioning himself to screw us out of our inheritance because of janky writing in the will and I'm doing my fuck all best to gain the wherewithal to go toe-to-toe with this cold motherfucker in court as the oldest and representative member of my happily much nicer and softer younger brothers who I want to remain that way not because I even care that much about the money, I know what bills affect your credit first and what you can put off paying and all of us have good enough career prospects to do our own thing, but just because I want to give the middle finger to a man that was a multi-millionaire and drew lines on his milk and orange juice bottles when I came over so he knew if I drank what my parents couldn't afford when I was approximately six. Anyway, ask me why I support major reforms in wealth taxation. I don't care who it goes to, just not that guy, you feel?

Having expendable income was very exciting for a bit after I started working but once I got to the hateable point of assessing my annual bonus and internally complaining that I'd spent the money I should have spent on a Sauternes cellar to drop five digits on bedset materials (to be fair they are drop dead gorgeous, very comfy and the factory pays a living wage for people to handmake the sheets/duvets/pillows to people in San Francisco, which is not cheap, so maybe I did more good than harm with that), I two seconds later nodded to myself and went "the government needs to confiscate more money from me". The narrative is always that the "undeserving" will use it for dumb things they don't need like iPhones or refrigerators...?...but like...I could also have gone to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a very nice sheet/comforter set for at most a tenth of what I paid so am I really spending it responsibly either....?....who is going to get more joy out of this misspent money....?....not me, that is for sure, I probably would have had more fun going to BBB and laying on all the demo beds and buying something there.

My lifelong dream, which may become possible if/when I do have something of an inheritance, is to provide food security for one of the many towns in the US were most residents don't have it. It's the thing I remember the most distinctly over the years. I never could quite believe it when I got to the point that I could just...pay to eat at a restaurant. One of the most disappointed my mother has ever been in me is when I was twenty five and confessed I actually had no idea how much a gallon of milk cost in a city grocery store besides that it was probably between $1 and $5, because I didn't have to know. For now I make a weekly drop off of my excess produce to a mom group I met under somewhat weird circumstances but I was walking through the cut-through that went through the low-income housing back to my apartment at like 2 AM on a Saturday and these moms were out there partying and smoking weed with their kids all strapped in strollers around or the older ones watched by a rotating member of the group and I felt very safe and like these moms had a very good vibe of both living their own lives [seriously for mental health parents but in most cases specifically mothers need to be able to keep up relationships with people their age] but keeping their children safe and accounted for while doing so and trying their fuckin' best against all the odds to figure out how to make that happen when life had dealt them a shit hand.

...anyway, looping way back to the original question of what finishing school is, when I was almost done with middle school my dad had built a legit construction business that then very quickly took off because we lived in a commutable zip code to the now-rich-in-their-own-right people he went to high school with who trusted him to redo their homes. We eventually moved to that zip code but I stayed and commuted back to my old high school. But, i was a pretty wild kid which my father appreciated for a long while because I would follow him around on jobs and enjoy doing physical labor, but once I was mid-puberty and also he had to maybe show me to his high school friends that did not fly.

I snapped - not broke, snapped - my left thumb and my parents had to trap me like a wild animal to get me to go the hospital. Then I got a deep cut that partially injured a tendon in my leg and at eleven I tried to beat the shit out of my dad to prevent him from picking me up to strap me in the car and go to the hopsital. Next I got a deep splinter due to my eternal-barefoot tendencies and it wouldn't come out so got infected and I refused to go to the doctor [another weird back story but I was minorly sexually assaulted [[to be clear, not raped or anything big traumatic]] when I was eight and had to stay in hospital for a week and my parents couldn't be with me all the time so I have a permanent heebie-jeebie about going to the hospital, not true anxiety, I will go if I know I need to and I don't breathe heavy or anything, and I'm actually not permanently weirded out by sex or anything, just doctors in hospitals specifically I kind of unconsciously try to justify not needing to the extent I can rationalize it] and my dad was tired of my antics so he was like "fine if you don't go I will slice your foot in half with a Swiss Army knife to get it out" and I called his bluff and laid down on the floor, stuck my foot on his lap, and he didn't really know what to do when a barely fourteen year old girl called his bluff so my brothers watched in fascinated but horrified awe as I got my foot sliced open spectacularly so that the infection/splinter could come out and I didn't even make a sound out of spite despite it being quite painful to my recollection almost twenty years later.

They saw me cry from pain exactly one time when while trying to break up a fight between all three of them (it was over ice cream) I got pushed and my ankle got dislocated and what actually made me cry was snapping it back in place and they realized it was not a joke. These dumb assholes that I love have ragged on me for "skipping" chores the day after I was in the hospital because the day before that I had to spend 18 hours running Thanksgiving as a good sub-hostess like I didn't have a serious infection that needed treating and couldn't rest because none of them were up to any task beyond peeling potatoes.

After the Swiss Army knife incident, my dad's discussion of sending me to finishing school became real, which I knew when my mom made me take a walk with her and talked about it. Finishing school is like...etiquette school....? In ye olden day when finishing high school was not the norm for anyone, wealthy men finished high school and wealthy women often went to "finishing" school to have a combined education on being a proper lady but also being able to hold a decent conversation with your presumably-educated husband, so it wasn't entirely etiquette non-academic. It was more just like "what a rich man wants in a wife" school, which was sort of household management and knowing enough about cleaning/cooking to correct the staff if they fucked up, how to be a polite hostess, and how to not entirely bore him when you were alone together and had done your five minutes of sex or whatever so actually had to have a conversation. In modern times it has obviously expanded to be less bleak.

I said miss me with that, I can be a girl on my own, so I went full throttle into the girliest sport they offer in high school and ever since have gained the inestimable advantage of knowing how to also use femininity to my advantage, which I am very grateful to my parents for making me learn. It would be great if we lived in a world where that didn't count, but it did/still does, and they really set me up to operate in all the worlds.

It is weird for me to tell the story to Internet strangers because it's one of those things that makes your parents sound terrible and abusive in the general tone of the Internet nowadays, and while I support gender nonconforming children I don't remember my childhood or parents that way. But, I feel like the bits and pieces of my life I've given don't always make a ton of sense together without the context, so here it is, and in the end, I think a number of parts of it are areas where you can probably understand where it makes me have the opinions I do when I write.

Anyhoo, this makes my life sound far worse than it is, I actually have a great life and I am not unhappy with it at all and feel I was on the whole blessed with many more turns of luck than unluck, so, please, do not take this as a depressed artist rant, it is more like a rant of a very energetic person who rants about a lot of things all the time and didn’t need to come out but just did because the question was asked and the time was right with my life being in a bit of flux to think about how I got where I am and where I want to go and why.

Always remember no matter what problems it seems like I have, if I didn’t solve them on my 2 year round the world traveling hiatus I took from working, it’s my own fault, I definitely had the time and money to solve them and just chose not to.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #422

“i will not become a figure of my mistakes  /  i will not become the mask that is not my face”

Have you ever been told you were a good writer? I've been told that's one of my "gifts." What do you put on your baked potatoes? Butter, American cheese, and bacon bits. Gooood shit. What are you listening to? I'm re-watching Gab Smolders play Parasite Eve. Love that game to bits, and I really enjoy how she has a legitimate appreciation for it despite its age. It's so great watching her fall in love with a game she knew nothing about. Did you ever have braces? Yes. Are you afraid of flying? I acknowledge the risks of it, but I don't really actively fear it. Are you short? No; I'm your average height for an American woman of my age. Have you ever used a fire extinguisher? No. Would you want your future children to date someone like you as a teenager? I was a fine teenager, so sure. Are you unhappy at the moment? That's quite the understatement. When’s the last time you got in trouble with your parents? *shrug* How many children do you want? None. It's funny though, I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a daughter I of course named Alessandra. Have you ever watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians? No. Do you have any career ideas in mind? I have no desire to talk about this right now. Do you have any gay friends? Yeah. Are you gay yourself? I'm bi. Are you doing anything this weekend? Of course I'm not. But that's a surprise to nobody. How many brothers do you have? One. Do you like Mexican food? Only very few things. What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)? Oh man. Some are family pets more than hers, but regardless, there's Buster, Beasley, Winter, Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, Jane Marie, Doris, Raisha, and a bunch of other fish. Did you go to work today? I don’t have a job. .-. How old are you? How old do you act? 25. I think mentally I'm capable of acting older, but as far as "being an adult" goes, taking care of mature responsibilities, I'm a child. What size shoe do you wear? I... haven't worn anything but flipflops in so long that I barely know. I want to say an 8? 7 1/2 depending on the shoe? Are there any spiders in your room right now? I dunno. What was your favorite class during your sophomore year of high school? Art, for sure. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Probably Dory. Are there any framed pictures of you in your house? With my sisters, yes. Do you wear bandanas in your hair? No. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not interested. Do you need to shave? My legs look like a gorilla's. My armpits, slightly. I shave them every time I shower, so I'll shave them soon. Are you wearing makeup right now? No. I never do nowadays. Do you know anyone named Laura? Not off the top of my head. Do you have any exercise equipment in your home? A few things. How many living grandparents do you still have? None. What are your plans for the rest of the day? Nothing, really. I hope I read today, though. I haven't the past couple days and I refuse to totally lose my habit of it again. How many times have you been sick this year? None. What colour is your toothbrush? White. Do you have a favourite author? No. How long do you usually take in the shower? Barely even 10 minutes. I do nooot understand how some people take so long. Clean yourself, get out. Like I get it if you're shaving or doing "extra" stuff besides washing your hair and body, but generally, how???? Have you ever worked in an office? No, but as I prepare to job search again, that's what I'm aiming for, I guess. It sounds like something I (including my legs, given I'd be sitting) could possibly handle. But yeah, you need experience in absolutely everything nowadays to get any job, it seems. Have you ever stayed in a hotel without your parents or older relatives? Yes. Have you ever kissed anyone under the mistletoe? I actually don't think I have. What’s your go-to activity when you’re bored? Watch YouTube. Who was the last person you texted? The lady who works in my psychiatrist's office to verify my next appointment date. Do you see yourself married in the next five years? Probably not, really. How long does it take you to get ready to go out? Barely over five minutes, or less, depending on what I have to do. Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. Have you changed much this year? I haven't changed at all. And that's not a good thing. Is there a girl that you truly hate? A corner of my mind says yes. Even though I have no right to. Do you have any candles in your room? No, but I do have a wax warmer. Have you ever had to dial 911 before? A couple times for Mom. What’s something in your past that you’ll always remember? I'm almost certain even dementia couldn't take away my memory of the breakup. Did you have a good birthday this year? Yeah, it was good. How many people have told you they were in love with you? Two. Do you find smoking unattractive? Yes. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? I eat way too fast, but I literally can't figure out how to change it. I try to slow down, but it just... doesn't stick. It's so engrained in me as a habit. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I was too young to remember this. What do you think of people who always wear make-up? You go for it, you look great. What’s a smell that absolutely makes you gag? Severely decaying roadkill is very high on the list. Is there a smell that gives you headaches? Gasoline. What about one that reminds you of the past? Play-Doh, for one. Childhood things like that. Also like those really fruity lip glosses, etc. What’s your least favorite thing about summer? The fucking heat and humidity. What’s your least favorite thing about the holiday season? The knowledge I don't have the money to buy like anyone presents. Especially my niece and nephew. Mom helps me buy something for them, but still... I feel like such a bad aunt that I can't do it myself. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Whoever reads these, probably, ha ha. Do you have any embarrassing qualities and, if so, what are they? I'm just awkward in general. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core. It's awful. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? I would just go to the library and do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. It's questionable that I myself may have high-functioning autism. Has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you? Yeah. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Yes, because I'm bisexual. Have you ever dressed like or worn clothing belonging to the opposite sex? I would wear Jason's pj pants sometimes. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've always believed I'm ugly. Have you read the Twilight series and do you like it or dislike it? I never read the series or watched the movies. Have you been on any type of online messengers today? I've used Discord to message Sara. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 an hour. Disgusting. Do you own a tablet of any kind? No. If you eat eggs, how do you eat them? I only enjoy scrambled eggs or omelettes. When you’re upset, do you vent to people or do you keep to yourself? Nowadays, I tend to keep it to myself or vent through surveys. Have you ever watched a meteor shower? No, but I would love to. Do you like Slim Jims? OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSS. I want one now. What’s your opinion on the color turquoise? I think it's very pretty. Have you ever been in a castle? Only the Disney World one. When you were little, did you ever play with Play-Doh? Of course! I loved doing that. Would you rather write a mystery or love story? Hm... probably a love story. Are you afraid of getting shots? Kind of. I just hate the feeling of the medicine being injected, and long needles puncturing skin makes me want to squirm a bit. Needles in general though, I'm not afraid of. Would you ever run away and get married with no notifications to your family? Uh, no. I'm close with my immediate family and would want them to know. Have you ever wanted to vlog? Noooo. My life is so very boring, not to mention I would feel WAY too awkward. Who was the last person who unexpectedly texted you? No one unexpectedly texts me. Have you ever voluntarily read the Bible? Some of it. Have you ever thought that your life was so bad you wanted to give up? Many times. Do thunder & storms scare you? Actually, since I started having recurring tornado nightmares, I started to sort of fear them again. What are two foods you think only taste good with whipped cream? I hate whipped cream. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? Cheeseburgers. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? No. Would you ever think about doing porn? NOOOOOOOOO, even if I was in good shape. Would you ever cheat on someone if they cheated on you? No. That's not going to fix anything. Do you like getting jewelry or do you not wear any? I don't mind it, but I don't really wear it. When you were in high school did you ever have bomb threats? Once or twice. He was a... troubled kid. Did/Do you get school cancellations because of snow? Oh yes. My area flips shit if there's even a risk of like an inch of snow. Who knows ALL of your secrets? Nobody. Do you eat dinner with your family every night? No. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have a baby right now? No, not really. That would be fucking awful. There's no way I'd be able to raise it. Have you used Limewire before? Back in the day. Are you/Were you in a band? If so, what was your band name? No. Have you ever tried cocaine or heroin? No thanks. Do you own any shirts with a peace symbol on it? No. I'd wear one, though. Have you ever dyed your hair light auburn? No. Ever had ice cream dots? Dippin' Dots? Yes. Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? No. Would you ever go to Japan? I'd like to. Have you ever been in a choir? When I was a kid in Catholic school, yes. What did you eat for breakfast today? Honey Nut Cheerios. When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? Preferably never.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''disguise'' by motionless in white

[ih8paris]

i hate paris

Do people still use tumblr? I’m so old. And I never used it. I don’t keep up with the times. I don’t give a shit. You know what? It all passes. Except facebook. They made a deal with the devil and really, was it worth it? I use facebook. I live in Paris and there are these groups for women, expats, cheap people like me that want free yoga. That’s what I use it for. And news. BBC CNN ABC NBC MSNBC, you get it and the posts. They report what the people supposedly want, but then we can see what the people are actually saying. Donald Trump won’t win? Look at voices talking? Look at the little people. It looked like he was going to win. What do you know, he did. But what if he had lost. What if Hilary didn’t get a handle on COVID and then Donald won in 2020? We would all be so fucked right now. Maybe we already are. Anyway, I’m not here to talk politics. I’m here to process my life choices and see if there were signs that I was making HUGE mistake. 

So here’s the thing. I’m a bit untraditional. Growing up was shit. Chuck left and made sure to shit all over everything before he did. And the whole get married in your 20′s have babies get divorced get remarried have more kids bc hey you’re not old at 30 and this is the guy you actually wanted to have kids with. I rant but you get it. Traditional not for me. Also not traditional, i have some money. This money has paid for college, pastry school and yes this wonderful covid filled experience in paris: the city that hates me. I’m fortunate. I don’t live lavishly. It’s not that much money. I grew up poor, I pinch pennies. Then i do exciting things. Or maybe challenging things? I am fortunate and grateful. And guilt filled. I am given this gift and shit it away, trying make something out of this paris experience. It’s like a bad relationship where i keep begging to give it one more change. It will get better. I’m a fucking idiot. So here I am, you know third times the charm, right? Back in paris. Vaccinated. I’ve made connections with people. I feel confident that this will not be a waste. It will be fun. It will be educational. I will network. Gain experiences. Omg learn so much. Be able to travel. OH the hopes and delusions i had. But maybe we should start from the beginning. 

Omg, which beginning. Paris, i guess, we can go back further when the moment calls. So 30 is approaching. I’ve moved back home. That’s story for another time. Remember my life is not traditional. So I’m home to help out and idk try to figure out what the fuck i want to do with my life. See the big mistake i made in my 20s was listening to people i don’t admire. i graduate with an art degree. my college exit interview said i am qualified to work at a bank or Kraft foods. no connects, recommendations. No direct. And my family keeps talking about getting a job, benefits, 401k. At one point a little later on, my grandpa was pushing for me to go into service. Sorry gramps, they don’t want me. My education was good. I learned a lot. They had good resources and a lot. But then nothings. So i worked at a bakery. I worked hard at this bakery. For more than a few months i worked 7 days a week. I didn’t have a life. i had money. Money i made. And apparently that was the most important thing, from the talks i keep getting from my family. And of course i wasn’t earning enough, so needed to work harder and climb the ladder. There is no ladder in a bakery. Whatever, I rant again. We’ll come back to this. 

So 30. It’s looming. I’ve thought about grad school. The money I mentioned earlier. It’s had time to grow. The GRE expires after 5 years, not that i took it but 7 years after I graduated, i wasn’t taking it. So Europe. Europe is artsy. I would like to make good money, enjoy the work okay, but mostly make good money with the least amount of actual work. So teaching. My mom teaches. Computer programing. She’s the head of the department. She fucking hates it. The dude that was suppose to get that job, he died. It was sad. But they also didn’t replace him so when the other guy retired, it became her job. It was an unpleasant 10ish years. But again, I digress. So teaching. Work hard and play hard. And it’s always changing - ish. I guess as much as you want, or don’t. New students every 15 weeks. breaks at all the holidays. Summers off. And when you’re just about to get bored, you’re back at work. Maybe because this is the only lifestyle i know, but it doesn’t sound bad. I worked in an office of women in high school. That i for sure knew i never wanted. But teaching. College. Okay. I need a masters. Learn about MA and MFA. Start looking for jobs in Cali because life’s too short to fucking deal with the snow and mosquitos. Idk everyone doesn’t live in Cali. So now the plan is MFA. They are much more rare and more in demand at universities. More money - but this time i think chasing the money necessary bc Calif = expensive. Now back to looking in Europe. I love Italy. I would love to live in in Italy for more that just a semester but actually live Italian or close to it. The language makes sense. The people make sense. The art makes sense. And it’s omg gorgeous. Alas, no American accredited MFA programs I could qualify for in Italy. I don’t know if there were none but if there were, they would have been in textiles, or digital/graphic design. Which I don’t know anything about. I’m old school, metal work, drawing, printmaking - although so far we haven’t gotten along, another thing i going to try to make work before i leave this city that hates me, for good - painting, ceramics, you get it. I hate computers. I appreciate technology but my mom teaches computers therefore there was never a working computer in my house so we (my brothers and me) don’t do computers. So i find this school - in english and in Paris. Paris, so glamorous. Home of famous artists and their art. The Louvre and Eiffel Tower and Fashion. So okay, i check out their programs. One i have no fucking clue what it is. Still don’t. Another is Photography - pass. Graphics - no. List continues. Then i see Drawing. That’s interesting. I can draw, i draw well. This is a program i could probably get into. SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: you can get into any program. No program is ever full. It’s bull shit. Masters program. Undergrad = everyone is applying at the same time. Masters = ages range and much fewer people go. So don’t fall for that shit - EVER. 

They have a one year and two year program. The second year is less than half the first year so makes sense to go the second year and get the MFA vs MA. So that works out. I’m reading and checking it out. Not sure what I’m looking for but in hindsight, i knew something was missing. Talk it over with my mom and her peers who are also teachers. Consensus - don’t be part of the first group. So i have an interview to get it - what a joke. It is also a time for me to learn more about the program. So i ask, is this new? How long has it been around. Answer: Oh no, it’s been working several years. Very confident. I didn’t have a follow-up, just said I don’t want to be in the first group. I said those words. Her response: Oh no no don’t worry. I was so naive. And yes this continued through the whole program. People’s personalities are what they are. So she lied to get me into the program and just kept lying. No respect for the insane about of money i was paying for this ‘experience’. No respect for the education i could have gotten somewhere else. Because this program had NO educational value. I’m not being bitter or dramatic. It was a complete waste of time and money. Then covid happened. Might have been a blessing in disguise. I can go into detail of the program later. This is just an overview of the beginning. 

So, I get accepted. What a surprise. I’m now officially 30 and this - i feel- is my last hoorah. After this i will be an adult who can get an adult job and become an adult. But first i need housing. And a visa. Which is very confusing. So the French and Italians - Italians I am familiar  with, tell you about it later. So they’re similar in that lazy, lack of thoroughness, that’s their thing. Difference being Italians own it, French hardcore deny. So I’m reading this paperwork and it says thing like you need to have all your documents before your visa appointment including plane ticket. Well I can’t go without the visa so why would i get a plane ticket? Cart before the horse shit - it’s very french, wait until you hear about banks.  

[purplesurveys]

1053

1. What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before? Other than the obvious getting-a-job and other adulting stuff, 2020 was the year of my first cigarette, the first time I had to use eye drops, the first time I got sick for longer than a day, and the first time I tried my hand in embroidery.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t make any because I usually get tired of maintaining them after a few weeks. But idk, last night I had an idea that I want to try a new restaurant by myself every weekend in 2021. It’s very self-care-y which is what I need these days, and it’s definitely feasible now that I have my own money. Given my track record with resolutions I’m not expecting too much, but I still hope I’m able to hold out for as long as I can.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I know a co-worker became a mom this year, but I don’t consider myself close to her. We’re cool with each other, but that’s about it. Her baby is the cutest though.

4. Did anyone close to you die? One of my great-aunts passed away in April.

5. What countries did you visit? I stayed put here. It wasn’t like I could get on an airplane this year anyway. The Thailand and Vietnam trips are going to have to wait.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? Me back.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 10 (the start of the lockdown); August 2 (my university graduation); September 15 (the breakup and Angela’s birthday); November 9 (my first day as an employee).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Being able to be strong enough to stay.

9. What was your biggest failure? Self-harm, or blaming myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah I got a UTI early in the year, which gave me a week-long fever. I’ve also gotten hundreds of scratches and play bite marks from Cooper since we got him in June.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My embroidery kits! I bought them on a whim and seriously doubting if I’ll ever enjoy it given my previous hatred for anything sewing/knitting; but I’ve already done two templates and I just ordered two more to do during the holiday break. I haven’t gotten much for myself yet because my first paychecks coincide with Christmas lol, but once the gift-giving is out of the way I want to get myself games on the Nintendo Switch, Airpods, and candles.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Andrew has been incredibly supportive and patient, and has stuck by me through the whole year whether I was on top of the world, stressing out over our thesis, or in my inconsolable black hole of sadness. No clue where I’d be without them.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Gabie, at least by August. I don’t know anyone who consistently let me down in the last 12 months.

14. Where did most of your money go? Christmas gifts for others; for myself, Starbucks coffee and pastries.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Graduating college and sharing my graduation photo with everyone. I remember also having been super excited to work on my birthday gift for Gab, which was to make a short video for her using iMovie (which I had never touched before until then). I was the best fucking girlfriend. Also, getting Cooper!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2020? Not sure. Music wasn’t a big part of my life this year. Maybe Why We Ever by Hayley Williams? I put it on repeat too many times in 2020.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? A lot sadder.

ii. Thinner or fatter? Said sadness made me lose my appetite and a whole bunch of weight by the latter part of the year. All of my shorts and jeans have gotten loose around my waist, so I’ve definitely felt the weight loss.

iii. Richer or poorer? I’m richer now, but only because I didn’t have a job before and I do now. My family’s finances have taken a blow due to the pandemic, though. I try to help by chipping in for the electricity bill, and buying my family nice food every now and then. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Love myself, appreciate myself, thank myself. All the self-love crap I didn’t think I deserve.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Tolerating bullshit I knew I didn’t deserve but kept going with anyway.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? We’ll be with my mom’s side on the 24th; having family come over to our place on the 25th; and will be going to my dad’s side on the 26th. Gonna be the most hectic three days ever and I’m PUMPED tbh lol. It’ll be the busiest we’ve been all year.

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2020? Meh, I just hated the times I made mistakes at work as I hate fucking up in general and looking bad in front of colleagues.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? I stayed in it.

23. How many one-night stands? No thanks.

24. What was your favorite TV program? The Crown was, until it got associated with painful memories and I had to put my viewing indefinitely on hold. My favorite show this year would be either Descendants of the Sun or Start Up; both are amazingly good.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don’t think so. I don’t throw that word around a lot anyway.

26. What was the best book you read? Bret Hart’s memoir was a fun read.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Beach House and Chase Atlantic. ALSO, Twice lolololol

28. What did you want and get? My first job.

29. What did you want and not get? Commitment from the one person I asked it from.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn’t watch a lot of movies this year. I actually think I just saw one?? which is really unlike me; but it wasn’t a big year for film anyway. I have yet to see Ammonite, which I already think I’ll love.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22 and I just stayed at home with family while my best friend and her boyfriend sent over sushi for me.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I got to keep my relationship, which I thought had been faring well until she abruptly pulled the plug on everything.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Casual and didn’t really evolve too much considering I didn’t go out a lot.

34. What kept you sane? Good Mythical Morning. I owe my life to them. And embroidery.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I didn’t develop a crush on him until this month lmaaaaaaao but Kim Seon Ho is so so so so so dreamy.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The shutdown of ABS-CBN early in the year and the US elections.

37. Who did you miss? My friends in my org.

38. Who was the best new person you met? The people at my workplace that I ended up having a great rapport with.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: From a tweet I retweeted: “You keep bad people around you and make excuses for their behavior because if you decided to hold even one person accountable, you’d have to recognize the offenses you’ve ignored and accepted. You’ll realize how much you’ve invalidated your own pain to ensure the comfort of others.” It was a harsh slap in the face, but I needed to hear it.

#survey #surveys #yeah i'm angry in this one lol

[auntiebioticslab]

I didn’t get any asks for this but that’s okay because unfortunately I am WELL capable of infodumping without anyone’s permission. so here’s the unplanned variable ask meme by @outervvorlds

read mores do not work on mobile because tumblr is garbage from a toilet and my computer is currently on a UPS truck to California. I am so sorry.

Basics! Name, age, personality, etc. What do they look like? Are they a new or old oc? 

Her name is Rocket Alexandria Hawthorne! Formerly Rachel Holloway back on Earth but I’ll get to the reason for the name change.

She’s extremely vague about her age (her go-tos are “older than you” and “over a hundred” which are both technically true due to the “being on ice” thing) but she can pass for anywhere between 30 and 50 appearance-wise and the timeline of her Earth memories pretty reliably pegs her as late 30s-early 40s.

She’s a really effortlessly confident and funny person, which is the main reason she could probably talk her way out of her own execution. Also because I have a disease that makes me project my brain shit onto every oc I have she’s prone to hyperfixating due to an Unclear But Definitely Present Brain Thing so she knows a lot of things about a lot of things. Also she’d never openly admit it but she’s a sucker for romantic things and definitely cries at weddings.

This is her:

Her mom was Pakistani and her father was Black but she usually just says she’s from Baltimore.

What are their attributes, perks, and flaws?

She’s got high charm and intelligence, average strength and temperament, and good everything else.

I got her up to level 30 my last play through, do not make me list all her perks. Most of them this go-round so far are buffs to vendor prices and boosts to movement speed.

She has weakness to both plasma and physical damage!

What do they believe in?

Religiously, she’s agnostic but she kind of likes the notion of Philosophism. Morally, she believes that there’s no reason for people to pointlessly suffer just so someone at the top can hoard money, and also that the colony would be better off if Byzantium suddenly burned to the ground.

...she did not burn Byzantium to the ground, don’t worry.

How did they react to becoming Captain of the Unreliable? Are they much of a leader?

She always kind of wanted to be a cool spacefarer, but she hoped it would be under different circumstances. She told ADA that the real Hawthorne was killed by marauders, offered the poor bastard some dignity in death.

She is a pretty effective leader but that’s because she doesn’t really see herself as one? The crew aren’t subordinate to her, they’re her friends.

What was their life like before being iced?

It was boring! She was stuck in a shitty line cook job which wasn’t terrible but also felt like a waste of her education, and she was barely scraping by anyway. That’s why she applied for the Hope initiative.

Did they have any family before becoming Captain? Do they think their crew as family? 

Obviously she had parents growing up; they werent as present as they’d have liked to be because Work but she never once felt like they didn’t care for her. They didn’t live to see their daughter off when she boarded the Hope, but that was because of natural causes.

She also had four older brothers! Darren, Brice, Gene, and Andre. She was closest to Andre because the age difference between them was only a year. He’s actually the one who gave her the nickname “Rocket” in the first place; when they were kids they would pretend to be space explorers and their pretend names were Astro and Rocket.

None of her brothers were on the Hope. Darren actually was doing pretty well for himself in a low-level government job and didn’t feel the need to leave the planet, Brice didn’t want to uproot his wife and kids, Gene, well...she still has no idea what Gene was up to when she boarded the Hope because he took a job in another country and lost contact with his siblings years prior. Andre had been dead for years, unfortunately, having died in a work accident a week before Rocket was due to graduate college.

It still nags at her that while she can at least assume all her other brothers died peacefully and surrounded by loved ones, she knows EXACTLY what horrible thing happened to Andre.

As for the current crew, ohhh yeah, they are definitely her family. She cried when Felix said “I’ve got a family” to Clyde.

What’s their fighting style? Who do they bring along?

Ironically for a timeline where Roosevelt was never president, she does practice big stick diplomacy. Well, it’s usually small stick diplomacy because she prefers one handed melee, but still. If she can avoid direct conflict (through stealth or negotiation) she prefers to. The only exception was Tartarus.

There’s no real rhyme or reason to who she has in her party because from a Me As The Player standpoint I just go with whoever gives me boosts to the stats I need for the quest I’m doing. Which, in practice, usually ends up being Parvati and Felix because of that sweet sweet Persuasion buff.

Is Spacer’s Choice their only choice? What do they think of the corporations?

She is...not a fan of the amount of power they have. Spacer’s Choice in particular has a special place in hell as far as she’s concerned. If you held a gun to her head and asked her to pick a favorite...she’d probably ask you to just shoot her. Or she’d choose Auntie Cleo’s because their jingle is the least annoying.

What do they think of the factions? Are they liked or disliked by any?

Rocket has to make an actual effort to get on someone’s bad side so she’s in pretty good standing with most of the major factions. She made an effort with the Board, though 😁

For her part, she’s especially fond of the folks on the Groundbreaker.

What’s their favourite place in Halcyon? Least favourite?

She likes the scenery on Terra 2 and the people on the Groundbreaker, but as corny as it sounds her favorite place in Halcyon is the Unreliable. It’s home to her, and it’ll stay that way forever.

She doesn’t hate Edgewater per se but being there fills her with rage because of how...indicative it is of the way the rest of the colony is being run.

Do they have a favourite alien creature?

She definitely has never done extensive research on the care and feeding of leather boas because she hyperfixated on the idea of getting one as a pet before realizing that recreating the necessary habitat conditions on the Unreliable was impossible, or at least way too expensive.

No, I’m not projecting the amount of times I have done something similar for bearded dragons.

Did they save The Hope?

FUCK yeah she did.

What do they want to do afterwards? - but do they get a happy ending?

She finally gets some use out of her degree; she’s qualified to be a food scientist, like a real actual food scientist, and that’s probably what Halcyon needs more than anything.

Considering a few other things that happen in the epilogue, she doesn’t get a perfect end. But it’s enough.

What do they think of the companions? Friendships, crushes, dislikes, etc. 

She immediately thought “now I’M the big sister” after recruiting Parvati and Felix, so there’s that. Probably accidentally called each of them by the name of one of her brothers a few times. Convincing Ellie that she actually cares about her as a person is her white whale of sorts, and she empathizes a lot with Nyoka given her own history of loss. Logically she realizes that Max is a fellow capital-A Adult but also she feels like she’s holding the leash on a feral dog whenever he’s with her. She likes to tell SAM he’s doing a good job.

How do the companion quests go?

Golden ends across the board, babey. I’ve never been one to half-ass shenanigans.

What’s their love language?

Gifts and acts of service!!! She always tries to play it cool until she’s ready to admit her feelings though, so there’s a lot of pretending she just HAPPENED to find this thing she damn near tore the planet apart looking for.

Also she especially likes to flirt by cooking. Even back on Earth she got into a fair few relationships by being like “hey neighbor, I underestimated how much this recipe makes, interested in taking some leftovers off my hands? ;)” when she knew damn well how much the recipe made and doubled it so she had an excuse to see her cute neighbor.

Are they in a relationship? Do they want to be?

She has a crush on a certain rogue scientist, and unfortunately for her it is such an intense crush that she actually gets tongue-tied around him sometimes, which isn’t something she’s used to and that stresses her out a LOT.

Damn now I want to write an immediately-post-game-but-WAY-pre-epilogue fic with the crew trying to get them together so they don’t have to listen to Rocket blasting classical music and frustratedly screaming into a pillow every time she leaves his lab.

How to win them over?

She likes to look into someone’s eyes and see a fire, you know? I mean this in both a platonic and romantic sense—if someone is downtrodden but still determined, she probably at least respects them.

Also if someone she has feelings for does some kind of tender touch thing like brushing her hair behind her ear she McDies. Just completely short circuits. Cannot handle it.

How to break their heart?

If she found out someone important to her was using her or going behind her back it would destroy her. Unwilling betrayals as a result of being under duress are one thing, but deliberate, calculated manipulation? That’s her absolute worst nightmare.

How did those cows get onto their ship??

She wanted to try making homemade cheese and didn’t trust the bottled milk to actually be from a cow after what she learned about the saltuna cannery in Edgewater.

Ok technically she just agreed to deliver the cows to a facility on Terra 2 after the actual ship carrying them had engine troubles on Groundbreaker but she liberated some of the milk while in transit. Not like they’d notice.

A song that reminds you of them,

Sucker Punch by Die Mannequin!

Three random facts about them.

She got that burn scar during her time on Earth. Be careful with hot liquids, kids.

She’s tall—like, 6’5” tall. People who don’t receive proper nourishment don’t get very tall so she towers over most of Halcyon.

After the events of Don’t Bite The Sun she went back to Stellar Bay and told Raymond “I’ll teach you my recipe for breded cystipig chops with mock applesauce if you’ll teach me how to make that casserole”. Good trade for both parties.

#oc: rocket #the outer worlds #yes im tagging it it took forever!!! #basically the moral of the story is #that my only two methods of characterizing are ‘project’ and ‘give them a job’ #which i think works effectively #long post #food ment #death ment

[hearteyes-for-killmonger]

No Place Like Home 💜

Dedicated to @marvelpotterlove 💜 This was a 5 part series, but I extended it to 6.. and now I'm extending it again with this epilogue long after the fact but @amethyst1993 made me wanna do it so here we go.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

•▪• ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ •▪• ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ •▪•

Epilogue: Happy New Year

December 31st began with waking up in a California king with a California king as sun rays streamed through stark white curtains onto the bed to illuminate his scar-riddled skin a brilliant gold. The best part about the peaceful moment was that it was not an anomaly. The same angelic image of him could be seen any given morning after a devilish night with him at his place and it was forever burned into your memory. You watched silently as his eyes blinked open and adjusted peeacefully on yours. No words were needed. With a lighthearted smile, you dipped your head under the sheet and grabbed his morning wood in your hand, trailing your lips up and down the shaft. Your tongue happily followed the same path as he turned laying fully on his back.

"That lip balm is the truth," he groaned, voice almost as deep as your affection for him. You smiled into the vein running lengthwise up his stiffness, silently sighing a small laugh and he twitched in your hand. Since you'd bought both of you your own tubes of Beekman's Pure Goat Milk Lipbalm, he'd been using his nonstop and noticing just how soft it made his lips. He swore yours were softer too, like silken rose petals, although you'd been using the stuff. Sticking your blanket covered butt in the air, you enveloped him in your mouth, sucking gently on the head. You could taste his precum as it mixed with your spit and you let it drool back onto him, twisting your hands around his shaft. You took it slow, with neither of you having anywhere else more important to be. Slowly and passionately, you channeled all of your lust into the soft cushions of your lips. You could hear him exhale short gusts of air and swallow. His hands felt on your shoulders and when he pulled the blanket off of you, you looked up at him.. feeling him twitch in your mouth. Your hands traveled up his abs and rubbed all over his chest before you popped him out of your mouth and rubbed him all over your face, getting messy. You slapped him gently against your cheek and when you sucked him again, he groaned deeply. "Where you want it, baby?" When you didn't release him, sucking more vigorously instead he knew the answer and he came with a final twitch and slight jerk of the hips. You made sure to swallow every drop. "You.. are perfect," he sighed watching you with wide eyes. He was completely enamored and the thought made your head swim with elation. "Come here," he whispered curling his fingers in a matching hand motion. You wiggled up to kiss him before he guided you onto your back and kissed from your lips to your neck to your navel. "My turn," he said huskily, making himself comfortable as if he planned to be down there a while. Three and a half hours was the current record and that was because you were marathoning Brooklyn 99 when it happened that one time.

Brunch was prepared by a shirtless Erik and you made sure to watch carefully as he wrapped scallops with brown-sugared bacon and cut up smoked salmon, arranging it neatly over capers, eggs, onion, and a toasted baguette. He then moved onto a pasta dish. It was elegant and picture perfect and his signature cocktail was the perfect complement. You cut up the fruit, set the table, and washed dishes as a contribution and after the food, you kissed Erik goodbye and promised to be ready at 7:20 PM for your date.

---

Ang sat on your bed while you got dressed telling you about how drastically her older brother's veneers changed his look and now he might get married now. "He used to say hook me up with one of your friends," she copied in a deep voice that made you shake your head with a grin. Somehow she looked as sounded like him when she did that. "..And I'd tell him no because he's ugly.. and he was!"

"Oh I remember," you scoff and she shows you his glowup on her phone. "Oh yeah, he'll be married by next year if that's what he truly wants. He looks good."

"I'm not telling his bighead that.. and you! So you didn't try to work at all today, whaaat? That beautiful man has turned you out and I'm here FOR it, child," Ang waved her hand in the air with a sip from her wine glass.

"It's New Year's Eve, Ang! I don't typically work on New Y--" You couldn't contain it, your snicker sprung free from your gut as she stared through you calling out the lie with her eyes. Once you cracked, she did too giggling with you. If Erik weren't in the picture, you'd be working right now or thinking about it. "Oh wait! I have your New Year's gift," you jump, shuffling to your closet. "For you, my darling." You hand her a shiny blue gift bag and her lip curves into a happy pout.

"Awwww," she fawns pulling out the Coach scarf and matching leather gloves. "I would say you didn't have to--"

"BUT I DID," you yell with a knowing smile, finishing the sentence with her in unison.

"I've got your gift in the car! I'll go get it hold on," she grins. Your phone buzzes and when you check it, it's Jamira. Ang stops short so you pass it to her and she rolls her eyes at the name on the screen, typing a response.

"What.. do.. you.. want.. tacky little girl," she says slowly, typing it out. "I still don't like that mousey bitch or her tangled ass wig," she mutters crossing her arms flippantly, the phone dropping to the bed.

"I'm just glad she finally got from up under my mama's toxic ass and went and got some business," you say twirling in the brand new white dress you purchased for your date. It had a flowy mid-thigh length a-line skirt, a ruffled sheer hem, sheer long sleeves, and deep v-neck cleavage. You paired it with white pumps, a silver necklace with a diamond pendant, and diamond stud earrings. "Crazy what space and self-reflection can do for a person."

"You're better than me. I wouldn't care about her little transformation. Transform these hands, little Yoda."

The shift in your family structure was something serious. You heard through the grapevine that your stepdad passed, but you didn't so much as call let alone go to the funeral. You were grown and he'd had years to develop a relationship with you.. but he chose not to.. so you didn't feel bad about your decision in the least. You didn't comment on the Facebook posts and videos. You didn't send any condolences. Shortly after, you learned that Jamira left the city and relocated to New Jersey.

The phone rings this time and you both stare at it, letting it ring. "Answer it," you say finally and with a long groan Ang picks it up, putting it on speaker.

"WHAT... little girl," she sighs.

"Can I speak to my sister."

"WHAT? LITTLE GIRL," you repeat.

"Y/N.. I wanted to call you to say... I'm sorry.." she pauses and you exchange bewildered expressions with Ang.

"I don't give the fuck," Ang mouths and you chuckle silently listening to hear what comes next.

"I was a bitch and mom is still a bitch. I don't know why I was so bad to you.. Well no, I do know. I was angry at you because you had this huge plan like you just knew you were gonna be hot shit and then you left and I thought you'd come right back after you failed but then you didn't and I kept waiting for you to fall on your face. We all did, but you never came back and then you'd send money like you were rubbing it in our faces. You always had everything, like you were above us all. I hated you, or I thought I did.. In reality, I hated myself and I see that now too. Sooo.. Instead of hating you, I've decided to try and make my life something closer to the life I want. I just wanted to tell you that."

You stare at Ang and she stares back, her wide eyes matching yours. You're lost for words.

"Thank you for calling to tell me," you finally say calmly, unsure of how to respond. You aren't sure you're ready to wipe years under the rug just yet. "If you want to call me to talk from time to time.. you can," you add.

"I will," she says and when you hang up, you and Ang both let out a long sigh.

"I need a drink now," you laugh pouring yourself a bit more wine.

---

When Erik picks you up in his black NSX, he's looking sharp in his tailored deep navy and black suit. You can tell he got a fresh haircut to clean up around his locs and you smile reaching to touch it. "Well look at you," Ang yells from the door, heading to her car with her Coach goodies. The day was definitely all about elegance and refinement, you note gleefully as he hands you a beautiful bouquet of red and white flowers. "You know about flowers," he asks. You chuckle shaking your head. You hadn't a clue about them except that they were pretty and you were glad to get anything from him.

"Red carnations and white chrysanthemums," he points. "The red means love, pride, and admiration because I admire the way you handle yourself and persevere by any means necessary. The white means truth and loyalty.. and the ring in the middle," he points again watching your eyes grow wide at the princess cut yellow sapphire set in white gold. "..This is a promise ring," he smiles, silver fangs gleaming. "It says I promise to always support you, be there for you, and available to you. You're strong and you've only gotten stronger since we've been together. I've gotten stronger. Better. I don't know what forever looks like, or fuck it, next year honestly. But one day at a time, I think we can do this.. What you think?"

"...Yeah," you nod meekly and laugh, your feelings beginning to overflow. You pick up the ring and he helps slide it on. You can feel a tear slip down your cheek and it's not even a proposal.

"How's my gift supposed to compare to that," Ang pouts playfully revealing a silver bag.

"So you just gone ruin my moment? I had her crying tears of joy," Erik stresses in a brag like the moment he'd created was a woven masterpiece.

"Hush, prettyboy." Ang playfully bumps him out of the way and he steps back. She puts the bag in your hands and as soon as you try to look in it, she grabs it back with a mischievous smile. "I put something in there for him too. Happy New Year!I'm putting this in your living room. Look through it later, okay. For now, you two go have fun" she says dancing toward the house, locking the door and returning your keys. You don't stop her because you know she has plans for the night as well.

---

In the car, you told Erik about your sister's call. His response was to leave the decision up to you as to whether you would forgive her or keep contact with her. "You're the only one who can decide if you are or will ever be ready for that," he said simply. "Just keep her away from me." You couldn't be mad at it.

The Fox Theatre was his surprise. You jumped into his arms wrapping yours happily around his neck when you realized you were there for an Ella Mai concert. Loudly, you both sang and there was nothing that could've possibly been better. You were almost ashamed to give him his gift which was in your trunk.. an Aerogarden.. a stainless steel mini countertop garden with LED lighting that would allow him to grow his own fresh herbs, greens, and veggies right there in the kitchen. Thankfully, he loved it. "Thank you, baby," he said between smothering kisses all over your face. He really loved it.

It was the perfect date night and when he dropped you back at home, you invited him in to see what Ang brought the two of you. From the bag, you pull out a Kate Spade wallet and a mug that says Reformed Workaholic. Erik smirks and you hit him playfully. Then you pull out an envelope but it's addressed to him. He opens the it and reads the card:

Erik, Thank you for taking care of my bestie. She deserves it. I'm glad she found someone like you. If she ever gets on your nerves, just drop her off at my house, but stick around.

"Ain't gotta tell me," he says slipping it back into the envelope. There's a pair of Gucci black rimmed glasses and he grabs them immediately putting them on.

"Damn..," you jerk at how fast he moved to grab them. "I'll tell her you liked them!" Chuckling, you take out the last items. A bottle of honey and a can of whipped cream. "What I'm supposed to do with this," you mumble, your mind putting it together. There's a dark glint in his eyes.

"You gone really thank her after I show you how they do New Years kisses in Australia," he whispers lowly in your ear with an Australian accent. "Down under." You cackle. Pulling you up from the couch, he drapes you over his shoulder like a caveman, slapping your ass and he takes you up the stairs, honey and whipped cream in hand. You're thanking her in your head already.

@hold-me-like-a-heart-beat  @simplyyamberr @whoramilaje @bonita-juanita @eriknutinthispoosy  @blackpinup22 @thadelightfulone  @yaachtynoboat711 @youreadthatright

@inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @bidibidibombaclaat  @priya212 @romanceoftheeveryday-blog  @muse-of-mbaku @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @myboyfriendgiriboy  @loosewindmill  @wakanda-inspired  @madbadsiren  @theunsweetenedtruth @panthergoddessbast  @allhailnjadaka @amethyst1993  @ange-sensuel  @thehomierobbstark @purplehairgawdess  @supersizemeplz @blackpantherismyish  @drsunshine97  @thiccdaddy-mbaku  @wawakanda-btch  @trevantesbrat @imaginewhoever  @hidden-treasures21  @pupyluv247  @phoenixxx1225  @indigoxsummers  @janelledarling  @mermaidchansons  @destinio1  @ash-moneyy @forbeautyandlife @iamrheaspeaks  @ilovebubblesz  @beautifulqueenflaws @vikkidc @chaneajoyyy

#erik killmonger #original #erik stevens #killmonger #erik killmonger fanfiction #erik stevens au #erik killmonger x reader #erik x reader #erik stevens x reader #erik stevens x you #erik killmonger smut #killmonger smut

[frostinmyshadows]

Please read all of this. It will be hard, but I really, really need you to.

I had a nightmare about you the night before last. I was reliving the moment you told me you couldn’t love me over and over and over. I woke up panicked, sweat sticking me to the sheets. I’ve been revisiting that nightmare ever since. I wish it had only been just that; a simple nightmare. Not a memory. One of my last memories of you.

I’ve spent the last seven months mourning you. At times hating you. I’ve officially been apart from you for longer than I was with you. It had gotten easier, being alone. It had gotten easier to suppress the memories, to ignore  the parts of me that are stuck on you. and the parts of me I left behind with you that day. But the last few weeks I’ve felt myself slipping. I’m having a hard time writing more poems about loving you when one of the last things you said to me was that you couldn’t love me.

What would have happened if I hadn’t done what I did, in the end? What would have happened if I had simply left, and gone home, and carried on? Part of me wonders if you would have called me a few days later, missing me, taking everything back. But another part of me fears that you would have treated me like you treat a lot of people in your life- disposable. I watched during our time together the ways you found new friends, made them think you cared about them a hell of a lot more than you actually did, had a really intense relationship, and then it ended. You told me yourself that you didn’t know why you had this habit of making people think they meant more to you than they did. The whole time we were friends I feared that I was just another one of these relationships. That I would be disposed of shortly, and that I better just enjoy our friendship while it lasted. And the day you said those terrible things to me, I felt that my fear had come true. 

But when I got home from inpatient, I spent hours and hours poring over the notes you wrote me, looking at the pictures, the friendship bracelet you made me, the silver bracelets with the date we met on it. I spent hours upon hours in therapy trying to piece together the puzzle, how you could have written me these things and given me those gifts, if just weeks later you’d decide you couldn’t love me and didn’t want me in your life anymore. There was this great divide between these things, and what you said that last day. If you don’t remember the things you wrote to me, here are some examples:

“This is the gayest thing I’ve ever done. You find pockets of happiness in the most unexpected places. Amidst a world seemingly tumbling down around me, I found one. This time, my pocket is you, Em. You’re humming and fixing your hair in the reflection in the window. You’re wearing all burgundy but who cares. Oliver is making noise and rustling in tissue paper. We’re putting up Christmas lights and decorating the tree in November, going to any store open at 1 am. Tonight, you’re not alone in the dark, and I’ve learned that hot chocolate has caffeine. Now, it’s almost 4 am. I’ve got class in a few hours, but it doesn’t matter. The sun is starting to touch the tips of the horizon and I know I’ll be tired, but my best friend is sleeping in the other room, our kitten is sleeping on the back of a chair next to the Christmas tree we decorated. The lights are a little out of focus, and it’s okay. I’m safe at home, at home in a pocket of happy, watching life unfold through my runny egg (tear) eyes. I never thought I’d make it here, Em. Thanks for being my home.” -11/29

“... I know with 100% certainty that without you in my life I would not be here, alive, writing this. You are my guardian angel, and I thank our she-god every fucking day for that. You know more about me than anyone or anything that has ever existed, and you still love me. When I tell you something that in my head I’m like, “this is it, this is my most unloveable moment, I deserve no compassion or love right now,” you shower me in it. That in itself is the greatest gift you could ever give me. You’ve loved me in a way that has given me the freedom to grow and be myself, which is the best way you could ever love someone... I love you Emily Adair, even when I think you’re the dumbest person to ever live, and even when you don’t fold towels into perfectly proportioned thirds. We’re two pods in a pea and we’ll always be slices from the same pie. I know these last months haven’t been walks in the park, but I’ll walk with you in light or in dark. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will keep loving you, you digbat.” -2/14

The list from my fridge of the weird food combinations I eat. The parking slip from when we went to Arctic Monkeys in Seattle. A receipt from a Thai restaurant. The lotto ticket you bought with my money and then forgot to ever check up on. The polaroid of yours and Oliver’s footprints on our balcony from the first snow. My “I Voted” sticker, which for some reason you saved. The valet ticket from when we went to Twenty One Pilots. The lady bug you stitched me, with my nickname: “Love Bug.” (I have to tell you that it stings that you call Emma “Lady Bug.” I mean, come on. Emily, Love Bug. Emma, Lady Bug. When I learned that, it was like watching you replace me in the most literal way possible.) A sticky note: “You’re a star, I’m drunk, your love would be too much.” The photo strips we took at some point that winter, on the back of one of them you wrote “Two pods in a pea. I love you. Slices from the same pie.” The ad we put out when searching for a roommate. The polaroids from Halloween, you in your hippo suit, me in my Commander’s Wife dress. A polaroid of you and Oliver. The ring you gave me. One of your car keys, which I had carried on my keychain. Finally, a thumb drive that has every picture and video I’d ever taken of us on it. All of this is kept in the box you gave me for Valentine’s Day.

How could you have loved me with such impossible intensity, and then decide you didn't want me anymore?

I understand that taking care of me burnt you out. But the thing is, I never asked you to take care of me. I could feel, as the months went on, that the scale of our friendship was vastly imbalanced. I started to resent the way that you felt the need to do everything for me, the way you were clearly doing more for me than I could have possibly done for you, being so sick. And I think part of the reason you felt compelled to do so much for me is because it distracted you from your own problems. I began to understand that you were doing to me what I had done to G. I just gave, and gave, and gave to him without him asking me too, me trying to rescue him while expecting an equal amount of effort towards me in return, when he was so incredibly depressed that he couldn’t have possibly done so. The resentment grew between us, me resenting him for not being as good of a friend, him resenting me for putting him in a position where he felt he constantly was indebted to me This revelation was what led me to meet him for coffee and apologize. I told you, afterwards, about this analogy between our relationships, and you nodded but I don’t think really understood what I was trying to say- that you needed to back off and take care of yourself, or else you would get burnt out, while I constantly felt indebted to you for things I never asked you to do in the first place. Trying to rescue me would eat you alive. And then, ultimately, our relationship would end with the same abruptness and pain that G and I’s did. You were trying to keep me afloat when we were both drowning.

Even when I did try to return the support to you, you would shut me out. If you were having a depressive episode (when you would spend a day or two in bed) I would try to help in whatever way possible, but you wouldn’t let me. You had a hard time being vulnerable. You isolated yourself, and wouldn’t let me be there for you. I felt so helpless. This made it especially hard to keep our scale balanced. 

I can’t say enough how sorry I am for hurting you. I didn't see the impact my illness was having on you until you and Kelsey and our moms had that sort of intervention with me and you guys cried so hard, pleading me to go home for help. I’m so, so sorry for staying in the apartment as long as I did. I know I hurt you and Kelsey very much by staying when I got to that really terrible point, and if I could I would take it back. But in the moment, I couldn’t face the pain of leaving you. I wanted to keep living the way we had been, going on midnight runs to the store for holiday decorations and candy, getting high and spilling our guts to each other, doing absolutely everything with you that was giving me a purpose to live at that point. The idea of going home for months, where I would be so completely alone, was terrifying. Most of all, I was worried you would forget about me when I was gone. That our friendship would fade, and you’d move on to someone else. Which is why I panicked when you went days at a time not texting me, growing distant, and why I came up again so soon to visit. Which is when it all happened. 

Those words you said were probably the worst possible way to say what you were trying to say. You could have simply said “I need to take care of myself right now, and that means we need some distance.” If our positions were swapped, saying the things you said wouldn’t have even occurred to me. I don’t understand how they could have to you. I want to know. I don’t understand. I just don’t. Even in the moment I remember asking if you could love me when I was healthy, and you said yes. I replied “I love you because you are you. In sickness and in health, in good times and bad. How could you choose to only love me in health?” 

I know you’ve apologized, and explained the way you felt then and feel now. I appreciated that immensely. You have no idea how much it meant to me. And I do forgive you, for everything. But I just still can’t piece the puzzle together. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. Maybe it’s less of a puzzle and more of a shattered mirror. Too many millions of pieces to put together, leaving a distorted, hazy image even if they manage to be put together correctly.  Maybe it’s possible that you really could have said those terrible things while still really loving me, though not letting yourself love me. Maybe these opposites were true, simultaneously. 

Though it was mostly wonderful, our relationship was very codependent. I had lost my sense of identity with being ill and unable to live the way I always had, so I poured myself into you and made you my identity. Looking back, I see the red flags of our relationship. I so willfully ignored them at the time they occurred, but now I see how our relationship got to be the way it was. Our friendship was the most intense, beautiful thing I have ever experienced- but it had fatal flaws. We are imperfect humans, and we both fell into different traps with each other. I’ve spent a lot of time at home going to therapy and learning about how to have healthy, non-codependent relationships. I hope in the future we can both experience these relationships. I think it would be a good idea for you to learn about the topic as well. I put my entire self-worth in your hands, which I never should have done, and it ultimately almost killed me. I gave you too much power in my life. I didn’t understand balance, I didn’t know how to achieve interdependence instead of codependence. I didn’t understand how to set boundaries or follow yours. I just desperately loved and needed to be loved by you, at whatever the cost. 

Since coming home, I’ve gained ten pounds. I’ve fixed my posture. My issues with eating have virtually disappeared. I’ve tried several new treatments, including ketamine therapy for my mental health and fibromyalgia pain; (it didn’t work, but it was fun while it lasted.) I’m back in college. I have a steady job. I have a couple of friends, including G. I learned that I have Infection from Chronic Mold Exposure, my doctors said it was probably the black mold that was in the bathroom at our apartment (we had our house checked and it came out clean.) There was probably some also in the hole they made in my bathroom wall that time. I believe this is what made me so sick in Bellingham, to get better only in a matter of weeks in La Center. This realization has made me very, very angry. What would have happened to us if I had never gotten so sick in the first place?

I’m so fucking angry that this all happened. I hate the fact that I’m not with you right now, decorating our Christmas tree early and watching holiday movies. I hate the fact that I can’t remember your smell. I hate that I’m starting to forget the sweet sound of your voice- thank god I have the videos we made to remind me. They help me remember the sound of your laugh, and all of your facial expressions. I hate that we aren’t laughing like crazy together on the kitchen floor right this minute, unable to compose ourselves over some stupid joke. I hate the fact that we aren’t grocery shopping together, singing along to the music in the car together. I hate the fact that we aren’t leaving each other cute notes, I hate the fact that we aren’t sleeping just down the hall from each other. I hate the fact that I couldn’t be there for you when that disgusting guy did that to you, that I couldn’t hold you tight and kiss your forehead and tell you that everything was going to be okay. I hate the fact that I won’t be spending my 21st birthday with you by my side. I hate the fact that our memories are finished being made. I’m angry about so, so many things, but being angry won’t bring you back. It won’t reverse what happened. 

I want you to know that you will always and forever be the first girl I loved. I don’t know if I will ever really stop loving you. I don’t think I can. You are simply a part of my heart. It’s so, incredibly painful, and some days I don’t think I can move forward. I fear I will never have the same level of connection with anyone ever again. I fear every relationship will pale in comparison to ours. I fear I will spend my life comparing everyone I meet to you. I fear I will always be alone. I fear so many things. Mostly, I think I just fear that our time together was the best my life will ever get. That it’s all downhill from here. 

If you ever even for a second doubt that you are loved, just read To The Girl With The Hazel Eyes. I meant every word of it, I poured my entire heart into it. You are the most special, beautiful ray of light that I have ever met, and I’m so sorry, and so unbelievably angry, that our time together had to end. I made mistakes. You made mistakes. We tore each other apart, in the end. We burned so bright we burnt out. But that flame was warm and beautiful while it lasted. I will always be chasing that light. 

[anxiyaiyaiety]

I’m so angry and I can’t get over it. Like all my adult life I have lived with the unreasonable anxiety of thinking that my inlaws hate me. Just for no reasons whatsoever. They haven’t given any strong indication that they don’t like me but I am always uncomfortable around them in general and usually I can follow my gut about bad feelings/ weird tension or vibes in the air.

So this year, I went to my side of the family for thanksgiving and he went to his. We have done this before and it’s generally no big deal. Especially this year, with him only seeing his mom once since the hurricane hit, it stood to reason that if the whole family was going to get together (one of those people being his older sister from Illinois) he wanted to be there. Nbd.

So I locked my keys in my car on accident and had to call him to drive the spare that he had over so I could get home. This was an hour long drive from his moms out on the beach to my aunts in the boonies. But we didn’t really have a choice in the matter as no one had a jimmy or anything. So initially he seems irritated and I understand that because it’s a long drive and he was currently hanging out still, and so was I!, but it was getting dark soon and I have work in the morning so there was no helping it.

He gets there, everything is cool, he says quick hello/goodbyes and then we both drive home. When we get there, we both show each other leftovers we snagged and I asked if he got any casserole as it’s my favorite. He didn’t. Nbd. He did say he called his mom and asked her to set aside I plate for him when he goes back tomorrow. She said “Sure, what do you want” and he told her. She knows he doesn’t eat that and I have told her every year it’s great and I love it. She asks “Is it for her?” And he says no. She then says “You can make it for her when you get here.”

I don’t initially take this any which way, I’m just a little confused. I think maybe it’s because I didn’t go over there with him and joke that she is withholding food as punishment. So he then adds that his older sister said that I probably “made up locking the keys in the car to get him to leave”.

............

What the absolute garbage fuck?! Never ever ever in our relationship have I ever made up an excuse to get him to come home because I just felt like it. ESPECIALLY with his family. He’s often lazy about get togethers and I usually have to remind him to make time for his family stuff. Even with friends I’m usually like “Stay out as late as you want have fun etc”. Why would this shit even occur to her at all? I don’t expect them to know me on some deep friendship level because we don’t see each other that often but? So now I guess his mom and sister are pissed at me for being stuck 45 mins away from home with no other options and calling him away after he had just spent all day with them and is going back tomorrow and the next day and apparently getting some family tattoo with his sisters (his first one btw) but I did it on purpose to ruin his family’s thanksgiving and his sisters one of two yearly trips down here (because she’s soooooo fucking concerned with family togetherness and has a butt ton of money to blow for plane tickets but instead spends it on expensive gifts for random puppy dog boyfriends that are in and out of her life in months and only comes home 2 times a year) and this has influenced my MIL to think the same thing and I want to tell him to tell her to shove her casserole up her ass.

#sorry for the tldr #fml #i dont need this shit right now #im not going to get any sleep tonight #just gonna stay awake and think about my husbands family has always hated me

[gatecoeur]

How has your and Arrie's celebration of the winter holidays evolved? Was is different when you were younger versus now? Is there more you wish you would do? - SS

{ holy fucc it’s a wild anon }{ my answer is gonna be a yikes™ chief so i hope ur ready }

“Christmas has... Gotten better over time. There was nothing wrong with it when I was younger but... Not everyone could always make it, you know? That was at least before my parents died. We didn’t even do Secret Santas before that...

“Christmas was a painful time for the first year without them. I almost didn’t go to the gathering. I didn’t want to hear anyone say anything about them and reopen some wounds. But I’m glad I did... And I’m glad it’s helped us move on with every passing year.”

“As for the rest of the holidays, I take some time to volunteer. Didn’t do that when I was younger... I would only donate some money, or help my parents carry some of the food they’d donate. I also take some time with some of my clients... Especially the lonelier ones. Make dinner for them, or something like that. It’s... It’s just nice to give to strangers sometimes.”

(( The holidays has been slowly but surely losing its glow for me. It used to be such a magical time for me as a kid, especially before I realized how bad my parents’ relationship was. I also don’t go to Christmas mass anymore, thank God, cuz my mom finally realized that I really, REALLY don’t want any part of Christianity as a whole... I’ll tolerate whatever it is my parents want me to for the sake of traditions, but nothing past that. Not anymore. 

I used to fight it back against my inevitable dread for Christmas so hard, especially over the past 5 years. Things would always be fine until actual Christmas, cuz I’ll usually get into a fight with my mom over some dumb shit. 

This year I just... The fact that I can’t spend at least some of it in person with friends, or even my bf has just been absolutely crushing. Especially my bf, cuz truth be told... Idk if he knows this, but him and his family have helped keep my holiday spirit alive. We’ve only been dating for three years, but even within the first year of dating, they had given me gifts and invited me to family gatherings and just... They’ve been really nice to me. I nearly cried when I found out his parents had gotten me gifts the first time around, cuz I hadn’t even gotten them anything, and I felt so fucking bad...

But yeah, TL;DR, holidays are losing their magic for me and I really wish I could stop that but this year has just been a giant “fuck you” to my emotions. ))

#;la reponse #v;i am esprit #;hc #;anon #Anonymous

[hamonsurveysoverdrive]

Ornery

Can you say you are fully happy right now? No, but I'm in a decent place. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I have no idea. Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? Sure. Did you ever get called horrible names like (whore, skank, bitch)? Yepp. Where did you sleep last night? The couch lol Ever slow danced with anyone? Yes Ever cried in public? Yes Ever feel safe in someones arms? Yepp What would you do if you were pregnant? Freak out, and figure out how to afford an abortion lol Are you afraid of letting anyone in? No. Do you like cuddling? Sometimes. Ever cry in school? Sure. Who is the last person to send you a message on facebook? Krystle and Kelsi. Do you look decent when you wake up? Rarely. Have you ever been given roses? Yes. Had a long distance relationship? Nope. Does it bother you when people never answer their cell phones? Sure. Do you care what happens in politics/your government? Of course. Ever been called babe/baby? Yepp. Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act (not necessarily sex)? Yepp. Where did you get drunk last? At the T, in 2017 What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? She's my mother. If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? Yes. Do you want to see anyone right now? Sure. Have you ever fell asleep in someone’s arms? Yepp. How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night? Not long. How many pillows are on your bed Two. When’s the last time you cried? Idk. Is it cute when a guy buys you flowers? Yes. Will things change in the next month? Doubt it. How did you do on the last test you took? I got a 100. Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Sure. Are you afraid to grow up? I'm 32. Are you busy tomorrow? Not especially. How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? Mm, like 8 months maybe? Do you give out second chances way too easily? Yes. Has anyone told you that you’re amazing? Sure. How many black shirts do you own? Uhm, a bajillion. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? I better be lol How come you’re not going out with the person you like? I am, though. When you feel cold does eating warm food help you feel warm? Yes. Do you want to diet? I mean, I'd like healthier eating habits, buuuuut Are you a patient person? lol No. Are you unsure about your feelings for someone? No. Who did you last hang out with? Krystle, Marshal, and Drew. Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? $40,000, because I could still get a car and have money left over. What song are you currently listening to? Nothing. Are you happy with your relationship? Yessss. Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? Uhm, well I don't know any meth heads or crackheads, so none??? Does anything on your body hurt? My neck is a little sore. If the last person you kissed were calling you right now, would you answer? Yes. In the run of a week, how many times do you straighten your hair? Like, zero. Are you mad at someone right now? Nope. Last thing someone gave you? A ride lol Who woke you up this morning? My alarm clock. Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? Only Daylin. What do you do in your spare time? Smoke cigarettes, play games, read, hang out with friends. Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? Justin. Where is the last person you kissed? Either at home getting ready, or at work already. What was the last thing you ate? Chicken strips with guacamole salsa. Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? My friend Laurissa is pregnant. Do you remember the meanest thing the last person you kissed ever said to you? Yes. What does your last outgoing text say? "Okay." Have you ever been called prince/ princess? Maybe jokingly. Waiting for something? A million dollars to fall from the sky, into my lap. Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? Uh, yeah. What are you doing this weekend? I don't think I have anything planned, except Christmas shopping. Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? Not happily, but yes. Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? Yes. Where is your biological father right now? At work. Where is the biggest scar on your body? The top of my head. How late did you stay up last night? Like, 1? Have you had your birthday this year yet? Yepp. Exactly a month ago. You had to kiss the last person you texted, would you? No, that's still my mother. What would you call your body type? Curvy. Are you a morning person? Noooooo. Have you ever been to Target? Chyeah. Do you like iced coffee? Sometimes. When is the next time you’ll be at work? Dunno. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? No. Ever made a prank phone call? When I was a kid. Does your mom vacuum early in the morning, when you’re sleeping? I don't live with my mom. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? Yes. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? Not seriously, but I gave a guy a bloody nose on accident. Have you ever had stitches? Yes. And staples. Name a time when you had to be strong. All the time. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? I mean, my parents are divorced but I was an adult and it didn't really affect me. Have you ever lost someone close to death? if so, how many? Yes. Enough. Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? Yes. Have you gone through a lot emotionally growing up? Yepp. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? Yepp. Do you want to see someone this very minute? I don't need to, but I wouldn't be upset if they showed up. Are you happy with the way things are going? Mostly. Are you a forgiving person? Too much so. Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace? No. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yepp. Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: Exhausting. Would you like to go back and change any part of your life? Maybe. When will your next kiss be? Next time I see Justin. Last person you saw other than your family? Krystle. Will tomorrow be better than today? Today hasn't been too bad. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? Not especially. What’s going through your mind right now? How fucking tired I am and how much I want a cigarette. When’s the last time you had fast food? This past weekend. Do you believe that there’s good in everybody? No. Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? Of course? When was the last time you saw someone attractive? Monday. What was the first thing you did when you woke up? Turned off my alarm. Think back eight months ago, were you single? Yes. What do you carry with you at all times? My wallet, purse, phone, keys. Are you okay with the life you live? Some aspects. Do you have a Tattoo? I have ten. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? I've been thinking about getting my lip done. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? No, a garage. Have you ever been to Disney World? Yes, twice. If so, how many times have you been? ...Twice. Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? Yes. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? Yes. Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Yes. Is your vision good? Not at all. Is your present hair color, natural? Yepp. What was the last thing you ordered online? Another present for the kiddos. Have you ever worn color contacts? No. If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? Basically three years. Where are your parents as of now? Mom is probably at her house, Dad is at work. Do you follow a certain religion? Nope. Do you have any family members who live out of town? Yepp. Do you consider yourself short? No. What room are you in? The dining room. Do you listen to any country music? Only if it's Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, or Shania Twain. Do you ever watch Lifetime? No. Would ever consider having children in the future? Not more than I already have. Have you ever lived on a farm? God no. Do both of your parents have jobs? Yes. If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you? Depends. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? Nothing. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? Everything. What food are you craving right now? Sleep? How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? Like 10. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? A shit ton. Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell? No. Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you? I'd rather not. Does your family have family picnics? We have one every year at our family's cemetary. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say? "SCHEDULE AN ABORTION NOW."

#survey #surveys

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #348

“nothing will be free  /  nothing will be done  /  black out the sun”

Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story. Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah. Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science. What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls. Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one. Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh. Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it. How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal. Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix. Have you ever bought a designer purse? No. Do you wear jewelry often? No. What color was your senior prom dress? Black. Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which. Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to. What was your first favorite color? Red. What do you think about horror movies? I love them. If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill. Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too. What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word. Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since. What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know. What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now... Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No. Ever done drugs? No. Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds." What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think. If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds. Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks. Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No. Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%. Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No. Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie. Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure. What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it. What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food. What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah. What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+. What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy. What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy. What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself. Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No. Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains! Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's. Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so. Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No. Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney. Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it. Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes. Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special. What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique. Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods. Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk. Where was your FB display pic taken? My room. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks. Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No. Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No. What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name. Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah. Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from. Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr. Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend? Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops. Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another. Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it. Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today. What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be, but I know we lost it along the way to something better, something so much more than pleasure that we seek, so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves as we manufacture our own hell." What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH. What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did. Do you know any gay people personally? Ye. What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day. What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''blackout'' by 3teeth

[whereyouletitgo]

1-100

1. Is a kiss considered cheating? Yes2. Have you ever faked orgasm? Yes lol3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Either being able to fly, mind read, or to manipulate any type of situation. 4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? If things work out 😬5. Tell us some funny drunk story. I don’t really drink sooo 😬6. Why are you no longer together with your ex? Too many things to say7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Natural causes and in my sleep lol8. What are your current goals? To be genuinely happy. To find a job. Have more beautiful babies. 9. Do you like someone? I do!10. Who was the last person to disappoint you? Myself11. Do you like your body? Some parts. I would like to lose some weight in some places 12. Can you keep a diet? Maybe if I really wanted to 13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? I would tell them to smoke a bowl and chill the fuck out. Too much negativity 14. Do you work? Looking for a job right now15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? Chow mein 😊16. Would you get a tattoo? Yeah! I have 417. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? Anything my son needs, food18. Can you drive? Yes19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? A little bit ago20. What was the last thing you cried for? Oh god who knows. Probably my current relationship mess lmao21. Do you keep a journal? No22. Is life fun? Sometimes lol 23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant? I think farts are funny but can be embarrassing in front of certain people. 24. What’s your dream car? I could care less as long as it runs and looks decent lol25. Are grades in school important? They were to me when I was in school. 26. Describe your crush. I have way too many crushes on random people. I literally think everyone is cute 😂27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? I’m really impressed with the show Vikings right now. Super in love with it28. What was your last lie? 🤷🏻‍♀️29. Dumbest lie you ever told? 😂🤷🏻‍♀️30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing? Yes31. Something you did and you are proud of? I gave birth to my son pretty much naturally because my epidural was clamped. If I can do that, I can do anything lmao.32. What’s your favourite cocktail? Meh lol33. Something you are good at? Having sex 😎34. Do you like small kids? LOVE them35. How are you feeling right now? I’m really sleepy and hungry lol.36. What would you name your daughter/son? My sons name is Liam. I have a lot of different girl name I like. 37. What do you need to be happy? Food lol. My son. I don’t need it but weed makes me happy.38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? Always lol39. What was the last gift you received? My girlfriend gives me gifts all the time so maybe the awesome perfume she bought me the other day 40. What was the last gift you gave? I haven’t given it to her yet but I got Teresa some yummy smelling bath bombs & I got my friends baby a bunch of really cute clothes 😍😍😍41. What was the last concert you went to? Dance Gavin dance 😍😍😍42. Favourite place to shop at? Earthbound43. Who inspires you? My mom44. How old were you when you first got drunk? Like 1645. How old were you when you first got high? 1846. How old were you when you first had sex? 1747. When was your first kiss? Technically when I was like 6 lmao but I don’t think that counts. Maybe my 15th birthday party where all my friends found out I never made out with anyone and they were like “okay we’re gonna teach you” and I literally made out with all 4 of them 😂48. Something you want to do until the end of this year? I’m not really sure49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? Yesssss50. Post a selfie. After I post this 😘51. Who are you most comfortable around? My family52. Name one thing that terrifies you. Death of my loved ones53. What kind of books do you read? All kinds! I really love mysteries, horror, teen fiction, fantasy, stuff about different religions, stuff about dreams, paranormal, aliens, conspiracy theories.. all kinds of stuff 54. What would you tell your 12 year old self? That it gets better and that there’s nothing wrong with finding girls attractive 55. What is your favourite flower? I love all flowers!! But my favorites are sunflowers and lilies 56. Any bad habits you have? I bite my nails a lot57. What kind of people are you attracted to? Kind hearted people58. What was the last thing you cried for? I cry a lot about my sweet Kai. I was 16 weeks and miscarried 59. Is there something you don’t eat? I don’t eat a lot of fish60. Some food that truly disgust you? Sweet corn in a can 😂61. Are you in love? Yes62. Something you find romantic? Candles lit while having sex lmao i love that63. How long was your longest relationship? 4 years64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? 65. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? 66. What are you saving money for? My trip to California 67. How would you describe your bad side? She’s a bitch68. Are you actually a good person? Why? I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. I do think I’m genuinely a good person though. 69. What are you living for? My son70. Have you ever done anything illegal? Yeah lol71. Do you like your body? Meh72. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? No73. Ever sent nudes? Yes74. Have you ever cheated on someone? Yes75. Favourite candy? Chocolate (dove)76. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! @alientere77. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? No78. Favourite TV series? Oh god so many. Game of thrones, Vikings, criminal minds, beat Bobby flay, chopped, bobs burgers, true blood, rick and morty...79. Are you religious? Does God exist? I believe in a higher power. 80. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? It’s been a minute since I’ve read any books. But I love reading and everything I real always impressed me lol81. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? I think that people that can do that have really strong will power lol. Good for them82. How long have you been on Tumblr? Like almost 5 years83. Do you like Chineese food? Yesss84. McDonalds or Subway? I like both. I worked at subway for 4 years so I’m taking a break 😂85. Vodka or whiskey? Vodka 86. Alcohol or drugs? Weed.. lol87. Ever been out of your province/state/country? I’ve been to a lot of other states. I went to Mexico when I was a baby but I don’t think that counts lol88. Meaning behind your blog name? It’s random lol89. What are you scared of? A lot of things90. Last time you were insulted? Not too long ago91. Most traumatic experience? When I had my miscarriage. 92. Perfect date idea? Going to the beach 😍93. Favourite app on your phone? Tumblr, snapchat lol94. What colour are the walls in your room? Brown 🙄95. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? No I don’t really get into that 96. Share your favourite quote. I don’t think I have one97. Do you like horror movies? Yes98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? A few times. I felt bad and still feel bad about it 99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way? I do 100. Can you keep a secret? Most of the time lol