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Understanding Jeremy: an empathetic and psychological analysis of Jeremy Wade Delle - and the people who loved him

PLEASE NOTE: This article is intended for people who already possess a general knowledge of Jeremy Delle’s life events. I wouldn’t recommend reading it before having learned about his life, because I will be jumping from one event to the other and it will be difficult to keep track of everything if you don’t know what I’m referring to. If you want to get a more-than-general idea of Jeremy’s life, you can visit jeremywadedelle.com.

I never met Jeremy nor am I a psychologist, yet I have studied psychology and I have learned in great detail all that was made public (and not) about Jeremy. This is basically a sum up of everything I have learned about his psychology and about his loved ones during my almost four years of researching and writing No more “Later Days”; other than the things I have learned in my own personal experiences with both adults and teenagers.

I will try to be as chronologically linear as possible, but since several topics are crisscrossed with each other (meaning multiple topics have multiple links to events from both Jeremy’s earlier and later years), this article will be divided in theme sections more than age/years sections.

For its writing, I consulted the following sources: a multitude of scientific articles and websites (only parts relating to Jeremy were quoted, although a link to the full article was always provided); jeremywadelle.com, ssheps.com, thejeremystory, the 1991 police report, screenshots I have gathered over the years with information and claims made by people who (supposedly) really met Jeremy - I use the term ‘supposedly’ a lot because everything about Jeremy is true until proven otherwise, which why I very warmingly invite anyone who actually knew Jeremy to contact me and help me confirming or debunking the info in my possession.

In addition, I have used the information Ash shared with me contained in the emails exchanged between him and Chris; plus a seven-pages-long September 1990 letter Jeremy wrote to Chris.

ABOUT THIS LETTER: the entire communication happened between Ash (admin of jeremywadedelle.com) and Chris from Austin. Chris came out of nowhere one day sharing information he had about Jeremy: he talked very in detail about him and his loved ones and he did it in a very transparent, not glorifying or victimizing way (usually, when people make up info about Jeremy, they have very black-and-white views of him and his loved ones); he also scanned a seven-pages-long letter Jeremy had supposedly written to him in September 1990 and explained its contents to Ash. Unfortunately, Chris disappeared before Ash could get a chance to talk to him on Google Meet. He never got explicit permission from him to share the new info and didn’t know how to feel about the truthfulness of the letter. Since I’m his moderator, he shared these contents with me to ask me for my opinion. To Ash, Chris' disappearance is really strange, which makes him doubt Chris was real. However, Chris knew many things about Jeremy and even knew the name of Jeremy’s sister, which is something only few people know. Still, why would he disappear into nothing just like that? Perhaps the topic was too hurtful. Or it could be that maybe Chris never really existed, but who in their right mind would come out of nowhere to produce a fake suicide letter and a fake seven-pages-long letter in order to fuel a very very niche topic that, after thirty years, almost nobody talks about anymore? I didn’t really know what to think of it until I decided to compare the writing on the infamous “Later Days” note Jeremy wrote to Lisa and the writing on both the suicide letter and the letter Jeremy had supposedly sent to Chris… and they matched. The way of writing certain letters is the same, the handwriting is the same. So the letter must be real. I would really like to share it, or at least share the most interesting parts of it (together with the handwriting comparison I made), but Ash made me promise not to do it because the letter is very personal and we never received explicit permission from Chris, while he did give me permission to share what Chris had told him via email. Perhaps one day we will receive permission to share the letter, or maybe Ash will simply decide to share it himself (which would be right, since he was the one the letter was scanned for). I hope so.

Until that day, here is the result of my extensive research on the Jeremy matter. Hopefully it will help people to look at the events from different perspectives and produce a less judgemental and black-or-white opinion of both Jeremy and his loved ones.

AN UNSTABLE FOUNDATION: JEREMY’S CHILDHOOD BETWEEN HOMES, SCHOOLS AND A SPLIT FAMILY

1975 - Jeremy was born and lived in house 1 with his parents Joseph and Wanda and his older sister for a few years before his parents separated when he was four (1979). According to thejeremystory and to Mr. Delle's statements from the 1991 police report, the divorce must not have been easy or peaceful.

From The Jeremy Story (‘1. Early Years’, section ‘1979’): “May 23 - Joseph files for divorce from Wanda, claiming conflict of personalities that prevents reconciliation”; From the 1991 police report (pages 15-16 of the PDF): “I advised Mr. Delle that I was going upstairs to confront Mrs. Crane, his ex-wife. He said that she would become hysterical and that I would not be able to control her, that if you looked up hysterics in the dictionary, that’s where she’d be. He said that he would tell her, but he did not want to have to deal with her at this time. [...]”

It is very likely both Jeremy and his older sister may have seen their parents argue multiple times. I wouldn't be surprised if after the divorce, both parents badmouthed the other parent in front of the children: this happens very frequently when a divorce isn't peaceful.

1979 - Joseph went to live in another house and remarried shortly after, only six months after divorcing Wanda. From an outside perspective, it could seem that Mr. Delle was very quick to rebuild another life and ‘forget’ about his previous one - at least that’s what it must have looked like in the eyes of his children, I believe.

From ssheps.com (‘Jeremy Wade Delle’, section ‘Robert B.’, ‘From Shelly:’): “All he [Jeremy] ever wanted was attention, as he didnt get much at home.", "His mom basically abandoned him and his dad was no Saint either. In fact he was too wrapped up into his new wife to notice what was going on with Jeremy.". From a comment a friend of Jeremy from Timberlawn left on Findagrave: “[...] you’re parents [...] were to busy with worrying about their own lives. [...] I hope your parents have become better people today and not so into themselves anymore.” They later corrected themselves: “I spoke in the wrong [...] I have carried the displeasure of how ya’ll acted as parents back then but [...] I know now that no matter how hard we try to keep our kids safe as parents that our kids will do what they want to do no matter what we do.” From the 1991 police report (page 23 of the PDF): “Mrs. B advised Delle had told students that his father did not pay attention to him." This last comment was doubted by me in this post. From the 1991 police report (page 25 of the PDF): “Mr. Delle also advised Jeremy had had problems dealing with the divorce of he and his wife and had sought counseling for depression.”

What are the psychological effects of a conflictual divorce on the children? Here’s what several studies found.

From https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/children-high-conflict-divorce-face-many-challenges: “[...] children may be battered and injured by factors that are directly or indirectly associated with the divorce: reduced parenting time with one or both parents; financial instability; relocation, which involves changing schools and losing friends; and the inconvenience of traveling between the parents’ homes. Both clinicians and forensic evaluators know that the single most important factor that harms children of divorce is continual conflict between the parents. Children are damaged when their parents fight in front of them, over them, and through them. [...] Many children of divorce have transitory symptoms, which may take the form of excessive worrying, sadness, anger, oppositional behavior, impaired social relationships, and compromised school performance. These symptoms may occur when the child initially learns his or her parents plan to divorce, when the parents argue excessively, when the parents separate, and when important changes occur in the child’s life, such as moving to a new neighborhood. The typical diagnosis is one of the adjustment disorders (eg, adjustment disorder with anxiety). [...] If the external stressors––especially, high conflict between the parents––continue for an extended period, the child’s symptoms may become internalized and develop into a more serious mental condition. Typically, the symptoms cluster to take the form of an anxiety disorder, a depressive disorder, or a somatic symptom disorder. [...] Regarding possible DSM-5 diagnoses, major depressive disorder and suicidality may develop in a child who grieves the loss of his previous family life or the loss of time with the noncustodial parent. If the child fears the loss of the custodial parent, he may develop separation anxiety disorder. [...] A serious consequence of high-conflict divorce is parental alienation, a mental condition in which a child closely allies with parent A and refuses to have a relationship with parent B without a good reason. [...] Parental alienation comes about as a result of 3 interacting and mutually reinforcing factors: Parental alienation usually occurs in the context of a high-conflict separation or divorce, although the seeds of parental alienation may have been sown when the family was still intact; Almost always, the preferred parent, also called the alienating parent, has indoctrinated or brainwashed the child to fear or dislike the rejected parent; Although clearly influenced by the alienating parent, the child adopts and internalizes the campaign to criticize, insult, and denigrate the alienated parent [...].”

From https://harbormentalhealth.com/2021/10/29/effects-of-divorce-on-childrens-mental-health/: “Some researchers suggest that the significant differences between children of divorced and non-divorced parents are not the result of separation or divorce per se, but a consequence of the reduced social support from parents and the children’s perception of the destructiveness of interparental conflict. Social support means having friends and other people, including family, to turn to in times of need or crisis to give you a broader focus and positive self-image. [...] many kids seem to bounce back. They get used to changes in their daily routines and they grow comfortable with their living arrangements. Others, however, never really seem to go back to “normal.” This small percentage of children may experience ongoing—possibly even lifelong—problems after their parents’ divorce. Emotional effects of divorce on children’s mental health: Divorce creates emotional turmoil for the entire family, but for kids, the situation can be quite scary, confusing, and frustrating: Young children often struggle to understand why they must go between two homes. They may worry that if their parents can stop loving one another that someday, their parents may stop loving them; Grade school children may worry that the divorce is their fault. They may fear they misbehaved or they may assume they did something wrong; Teenagers may become quite angry about divorce and the changes it creates. They may blame one parent for the dissolution of the marriage or they may resent one or both parents for the upheaval in the family. [...] Divorce usually means children lose daily contact with one parent—most often fathers. Decreased contact affects the parent-child bond and researchers have found many children feel less close to their fathers after divorce. One of the other effects of divorce on children’s mental health is a child’s relationship with the custodial parent—most often mothers. Primary caregivers often report higher levels of stress associated with single parenting. For some children, parental separation isn’t the hardest part. Instead, the accompanying stressors are what make divorce the most difficult. Changing schools, moving to a new home, and living with a single parent who feels a little more frazzled are just a few of the additional stressors that make divorce difficult. Financial hardships are also common following divorce. Many families have to move to smaller homes or change neighborhoods and they often have fewer material resources. [...] The addition of a stepparent and possibly several stepsiblings can be another big adjustment. And quite often both parents re-marry, which means many changes for kids. Mental Health Problems: Effects of divorce on children’s mental health may increase the risk for mental health problems in children and adolescents. [...] studies have also found depression and anxiety rates are higher in children from divorced parents. Behavior Problems: Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. Poor Academic Performance: Children from divorced families don’t always perform as well academically and tend to have trouble with the school if the divorce was unexpected, whereas children from families where the divorce was likely didn’t have the same outcome. Risk-Taking Behaviors: Adolescents with divorced parents are more likely to engage in risky behavior, such as substance use and early sexual activity. According to research, in the United States, adolescents with divorced parents drink alcohol earlier and report higher alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, and drug use than their peers. Adolescents whose parents divorced when they were 5 years old or younger were at particularly high risk for becoming sexually active prior to the age of 16.

Separation from fathers has also been associated with higher numbers of sexual partners during adolescence.” From https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_1/p3.html: “There was some evidence that changes in discipline as a result of divorce led boys, especially, to be less compliant with parental commands than children in intact families. Emery summarized that parents involved in conflict with each other are probably poorer models, are more inconsistent in their discipline, and place more stress on their children.”. From https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_1/p2.html: “Jacobson (1978) [...] found that the greater the amount of time lost with the father since the marital separation, the greater the maladjustment of the child in areas such as aggression and learning disability. Peterson and Zill (1986) analyzed data from National Surveys of Children in the United States, gathering information about 2,301 children. [...] A child living with a parent of the opposite sex was especially prone to problem behaviour, according to Peterson and Zill. [...] Kelly and Wallerstein (1977) examined, in 60 divorcing families, the visiting patterns of children with their non-custodial parent. In general, younger children between the ages of two and eight saw their non-custodial parent more frequently than did older children. Half of the older children aged nine to ten experienced erratic or infrequent visiting or no visiting at all. The response of the older children to the divorce was anger. The authors concluded that infrequent visiting correlated with a destructive visiting pattern. [...] In a more recent book, Wallerstein concluded that the children of divorce suffer most in adulthood: The impact of divorce hits them most cruelly as they go in search of love, sexual intimacy and commitment. Their lack of inner images of a man and a woman in a stable relationship and their memories of their parents' failure to sustain the marriage badly hobbles their search, leading them to heartbreak and even despair (Wallerstein et al., 2000). [...] Other studies have indicated that wives who have divorced bear a greater economic burden. In general, they are worse off economically than their former husbands are (Espenshade, 1979).”

1980 - Jeremy, now five, moved to house 2 and began attending school 1 (Kindergarden).

1983 - Joseph divorced his second wife.

1984 - Wanda remarried, marrying Mr. Crane, when Jeremy was nine. They went to live with Jeremy and his sister in house 3. I do wonder if they lived alone or if the other children of Mr. Crane lived there as well, as it appears he had two other sons (one of them a teenager at the time) from a previous marriage. If they all did live together, Jeremy must have found it even harder to receive the attention he needed, but I am inclined to think Mr. Crane’s sons lived with their mother just like Jeremy and his sister lived with their mother after their parents’ divorce.

Anyway, Jeremy was now attending school 2 (elementary). If you are a child and you feel like your parents aren’t giving you enough attention and love at home, where are you going to look for those? Outside, naturally. However, if you are a child who really needs love and attention you’re probably going to get attached to anyone who shows even the minimal interest in you - the reason for which every abandonment you will then live, from that moment onwards, will hurt you more than the same thing happening to, say, someone who grew up in a stable and loving home instead.

This attachment theory was confirmed by Chris in one of the emails exchanged with Ash:

"Jeremy was a really, really, genuine and sweet person. He attached to people - probably a little too easily, too hard...and was like the most loyal of dogs (I don't mean that in a negative connotation whatsoever.) He was always down to do whatever the plan de jour was, he was just happy to be getting to spend time with "you." He wanted to make those around him happy by his wit, humor, antics, etc.”

1986 - Eleven-year-old Jeremy moved to house 4 and went back to attending school 1 (but now in elementary). That would mean changing four homes in seven years and three schools in six years, though the last three houses were only ten driving minutes from each other.

What are the psychological effects of frequent moving and changing schools on child development? Here’s what several studies found.

From https://achieveconcierge.com/how-does-frequently-moving-affect-children/: "Stability is the keyword here, meaning that kids will generally know what to expect from their day-to-day activities. It also means they feel secure in their relationships, health, and safety. [...] According to the Institute for Family Studies, stress due to repeated transitions can undermine a child’s sense of control over their life. Parents may also feel this and begin to suffer from mental health issues, affecting their ability to parent and instill a sense of security and trust in the child’s life. In turn, the child may develop their own emotional, social, and academic deficits. Children can also experience learned helplessness, meaning that, as a result of prior stressful experiences, they come to accept and remain passive in negative situations that they have the power to change. The implications of this on future decision-making can be detrimental. [...] Regardless of age, gender, and education level, the likelihood of reporting lower life satisfaction, psychological well-being, and quality social relationships during adulthood was higher in persons who frequently moved as a child. Researchers also discovered that introverts and those with neuroticism [Neuroticism is a core personality trait characterized by emotional instability, irritability, anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and other negative feelings] fared worse when it came to moving repeatedly. Persons who hold these personality traits tend to have a difficult time forming new relationships and managing stressful situations. [...] Moving is a stressful and burdensome process, and multiple relocations during early childhood and adolescence are associated with increased psychiatric visits and hospitalizations. Some children may become withdrawn and depressed." From https://www.jstor.org/stable/2673244: “Children who have moved an average or above-average number of times are not significantly harmed if they reside in families in which both biological parents are present; however, for children in other family structures, any move is associated with an adverse school life.” From https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2010/06/moving-well-being: “The researchers also looked to see if different personality types – extraversion, openness to experience, agreeableness, conscientiousness and neuroticism – affected frequent movers’ well-being. Among introverts, the more moves participants reported as children, the worse off they were as adults. This was in direct contrast to the findings among extraverts. “Moving a lot makes it difficult for people to maintain long-term close relationships,” said Oishi. “This might not be a serious problem for outgoing people who can make friends quickly and easily. Less outgoing people have a harder time making new friends.” From https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-98-6-980.pdf: “Previous research has shown that children who move frequently tend to do poorly in school and report more behavioral problems (Adam, 2004; Jelleyman & Spencer, 2008). Adolescents who moved frequently as children are more likely to smoke, consume alcohol, and attempt suicide (Dong et al., 2005).” From https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306460398000239: “Results showed highly significant positive relationships between moving and early initiation of illicit drugs including marijuana [...]. Relationships between moving and measures of alcohol use/problems (onset of first drink, onset of any alcohol-related problem) were either weak or nonsignificant. Important sex differences were found, with statistically significant relationships between moving and early drug use initiation and progression occurring primarily among males.”

Picture it: you’re a child who quickly learns that nothing is forever, because the two most important people in your life, your parents, divorce (badly). From that moment on, you move houses and schools several times, but you barely have the time to get accustomed to or feel safe in your new home, or to make friends at the new school, that out of nowhere you’re forced to move or change schools again. The internet doesn’t exist yet (or at least not as we know it) and the only ways you have to keep in contact with friends is either by letter or phone. You can meet each other, of course, but you’re both just children and you can’t hop on a bus by yourselves, so you strictly have to depend on your parents’ availability. In the meanwhile, you can send letters, which take days or weeks to arrive, or you can call, which is immediate, but then what? You’re not as hyper connected as we are today: in a certain sense, after the call ends, you’re on your own again and the other person stops existing until you call or receive a letter from them again.

But what if you’re lucky enough to find a friend you can keep, in spite of it all? What if you find someone who loves you for who you are and with whom you can be yourself; a best friend who probably feels like family, a sibling, that one stable presence in your life you so badly needed? Apparently, Jeremy was lucky enough to find one.

1987 - Jeremy began attending school 4 (middle school).

From jeremywadedelle.com (‘Early life’): “Sept 1987 – Mid 1988 - Jeremy starts grade 7 [...]. He fails grade 7 and has to repeat the school year."

A MAJOR TRAUMA: THE TRAGIC LOSS OF A BEST FRIEND

(around) 1988 - Jeremy's best friend Mike died, supposedly in a car accident. This left a great scar on him.

From Jeremy's September 1990 letter addressed to Chris: “It’s almost unreal how close I feel to you. I thought there could never be another Mike. You’re not really a Mike but you’re a good close friend. It’s been 2 ½ years since I’ve told a guy my age I care about him a lot.”

In one of the emails exchanged with Ash, Chris explained:

“Oh, and Mike - who he'd said that he didn't think there would ever be another of. That was his best friend (verified by his parents. Mike was a very real person) who had been killed in Mexico a couple of years earlier. Car accident I think, or maybe he got hit as a pedestrian? Again...it's been 30 yrs. But he talked a lot about the loss of Brian [Likely a typing mistake] and how close they'd been since kindergarten (I think). But that was a pretty rough blow to him.”

I supposed that Jeremy was indeed referring to Mike when he claimed that it had been 2 1/2 years since the last time he had told a guy his age how much he cared about him. This would mean that, given the letter was written in September 1990, if the person Jeremy was referring to was indeed this Mike, he must have died around the spring of 1988, exactly when Jeremy was attending seventh grade, which may be the reason why he failed it. Naturally these are only suppositions, but it is important to state that before Chris, nobody had ever mentioned Mike, though one person on ssheps.com had spread a similar rumor, more than ten years earlier:

From ssheps.com (‘Jeremy Wade Delle’, section ‘Mary N.’): "I live here in Richardson and I have had two daughters graduate and one there right now. I have heard from older mothers that have been around that the reason Jeremy was having problems is because he had a good friend who drowned in white rock lake one night while a group of friends including Jeremy were playing football on the banks. Supposedly Jeremy was dealing with the guilt of not being able to save him. I do not know how true this is but it might be something to look into."

I’m not inclined to believe rumors, but given Chris’ testament, I think there may be some form of truth behind it.

Take this new trauma and dump it on the shoulders of a pre-teen who has already gone through the traumatic instances I mentioned. His brain is still developing, therefore it’s lacking appropriate emotional and psychological resources to deal with all of this; he also grew up in a household in which, because of internal conflicts, his parents were unlikely able to teach or show him appropriate ways to deal with emotions and problems.

The thoughts and feelings that are going to arise in him as a result of this latest trauma are an unimaginable amount of grief followed by the overwhelming feeling that he will never be able to find anyone who will make him feel as safe and accepted as his best friend - his source of stability - did. He’s going to feel a huge void, a big missing part of him that he has no idea how to fill… not to mention an inconceivable amount of guilt if, perhaps, this best friend really did die in an accident where Jeremy was present but was unable to save him, like the rumor reported by Mary N. suggested.

And how do emotionally unskilled people fill voids? In what way can the brain develop as a consequence, in such a young and fragile age? Well, it’s not hard to imagine: there would very likely be behavioral issues, such as the development of a personality or mood disorder, perhaps. If there were several instances of being abruptly separated from loved ones who served as an important source of stability, the result would probably be the development (or most likely the accentuation) of some important form of fear of abandonment, which can manifest itself in being possessive of other people (namely the ones with which a closer bonds is formed, like a girlfriend) and in easily and excessively idealizing and attaching to new people; not to mention that one could very likely find quick, unhealthy and irresponsible ways to deal with the pain - like smoking, drinking alcohol or doing drugs. Jeremy indulged in all of these behaviors, behaviors which are very typical of a personality disorder he was rumored to have been suffering from, though there was never an official diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder was long thought to be diagnosable only from eighteen years of age, though recent studies have shown it can start to manifest itself in people as young as eleven years old. I will describe BPD in detail when I will talk about Jeremy’s first relationship with Nancy when he was fourteen years old.

For now, I will limit myself to reporting what several studies found about the effects of bereavement on the psychology of children and teenagers:

From https://psykologisk.no/sp/2015/03/e5/: “Having relationships with and being attached to others is important for human beings, and young people, especially, invest a lot of energy in being included, and being part of a group (Coleman, 2011). During adolescence and through young adulthood there is a shift with decreasing parental support and increasing support from friends (Margolese, Markiewicz, & Doyle, 2005). The importance of friend relationships during adolescence and young adulthood would predict that losing a close friend at this age could be a life-changing experience (Balk, Zaengle, & Corr, 2011; Ringler & Hayden, 2000). Experiencing a loss could lead to growth and maturity, but may also interfere with normal developmental tasks and impede function (Doka, 2000; Neimeyer, Laurie, Mehta, Hardison, & Currier, 2008). Young girls have a closer relationship with their friends than boys do, with higher levels of both intimacy and peer support (Coleman, 2011; De Goede, Branje, & Meeus, 2009; Malone, 2012; Markiewicz, Lawford, Doyle, & Haggart, 2006), predicting stronger grief reactions in girls. [...] Previous studies have also found that for some the loss of a friend can result in more severe grief reactions than the loss of an extended family member (Holland & Neimeyer, 2011; Pfefferbaum et al., 2000; Servaty-Seib & Pistole, 2006–2007). [...] Bereavement following violent losses (accidents, homicide or suicide) increases the risk for complicated grief, thereby causing greater distress (e.g., Currier, Holland, & Neimeyer, 2006; Hardison et al., 2005; Lobb et al., 2010). [...] when comparing the scores of friends with those of close family members (bereaved parents and siblings) in our study, we found as high, and sometimes higher, scores in friends (Dyregrov, Dyregrov, & Kristensen, 2014). Among friends, 83% were in the risk zone for complicated grief [...]. In particular, friends had reactions like longing and not being able to accept the loss, and had high levels of intrusive thoughts and avoidance symptoms. Many reported feelings of unreality and experienced traumatic reminders. In addition, they reported feelings of depression and worry, and had relatively high scores on suicidal ideation.” From https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8794619/: “Childhood bereavement is associated with a range of mental and behavioral health problems, including depression (Cerel et al., 2006), posttraumatic stress reactions (Keyes et al., 2014), substance use (Kaplow et al., 2010), suicide-related behaviors (Guldin et al., 2015; Hill et al., 2019), decreased academic performance (Oosterhoff et al., 2018), and impairments in developmental tasks (Brent et al., 2012). [...] Criteria for PGD [Prolonged Grief Disorder] as per the ICD-11 includes “persistent and pervasive longing for and/or persistent preoccupation with the deceased, accompanied by any of the 10 symptoms that indicate intense emotional pain (e.g., sadness, guilt, anger, denial, blame; difficulty accepting the death; feeling one has lost a part of one’s self; an inability to experience positive mood; emotional numbness; difficulty in engaging with social or other activities) for at least six months following bereavement” (WHO, 2018). [...] Intense emotional pain in youth may be motivated by frustration and anger about feeling deprived of the deceased person’s help in responding to their developmental needs [...]. [...] In older children and adolescents, separation distress may sometimes take the form of a wish to die or fantasies of dying (i.e., suicidal ideation). These wishes reflect an intense desire to be reunited with their loved one and, depending on their own spiritual beliefs, may serve, in their own mind, as a means of overcoming the painful physical separation from their loved one (Kaplow et al., 2012; Kentor & Kaplow, 2020).

Developmental slowing may appear in adolescence as the avoidance of forming age-appropriate future aspirations, such as career and family goals (Kaplow et al., 2012; Layne et al., 2017). [...] Both children and adolescents may express discontinuity in identity as shame or embarrassment surrounding the loss, as they may now feel different from others and subsequently self-conscious (e.g., I’m different from other kids because I don’t have a mother anymore); however, this manifestation may be more salient in older children and adolescents due to their increased prioritization of peers combined with the critical developmental task of identity development during this time (Brown & Larson, 2009; Kroger, 2006). Similarly, existential or identity distress can result in fears related to getting close to others or forming new relationships (e.g., I don’t want to feel the pain of losing someone ever again) (Saltzman et al., 2017). Loss-related existential or identity crises may also manifest in adolescents as extreme risk-taking or recklessness, tempting fate, indifference to one’s safety or well-being (‘‘I don’t care if I live or die’’), and feeling like life is meaningless (“its’s not worth trying” or “nothing really matters anymore”; Kaplow et al., 2012, 2013; Layne et al., 2017). [...] The nature of the relationship to the deceased is also important, as research shows relationships with the deceased that were close, supportive, and confiding are associated with an increased risk of maladaptive grief symptoms (Lobb et al., 2010). Additional research has found that adolescents who experienced the death of a friend had significantly higher maladaptive grief symptoms than those who experienced the death of a grandparent, and emotional closeness to the deceased was a positive predictor of maladaptive grief reactions regardless of the relationship to the person who died (Servaty-Seib & Pistole, 2007). [...] From https://scholarworks.lib.csusb.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1487&context=etd-project: “Children frequently feel guilty about the death of a loved one. While this can be attributed to the child's egocentrism, Krupnick (1984) points to these guilt feelings as a way for the individual to feel in control of the environment, as a way of denying or defending against the sense of being ineffectual, a state which can lead to depression and apathy, similar to Seligman's description of "learned helplessness" and resultant depression (Seligman et al, 1974). Another typical reaction of children is to fear further abandonment. Richter (1986) interviewed children who had experienced the death of a sibling. One 13-year-old boy remembered his fears of the time following his loss: "If someone went away, I always felt they wouldn't come back, i was afraid my mom would go away to work and never come home (p. 23)." [...] the death of a sibling, parent or other significant attachment figure has an impact on the child's ability to achieve certain developmental milestones, depending on the child's age at the time of the death. If the death occurs when the surviving child is in the middle childhood stage, the long-term effects will be in the area of competency and self-esteem, which will also affect the ability to form a sense of identity and intimate relationships. If the death occurs when the surviving child is in adolescence and working on issues of identity and intimacy, these will be the areas most affected as an adult.”

A DIFFICULT PERSONALITY: THE ‘BOY WHO CRIED WOLF’ AND PARENTS WHO (DIDN’T?) CARE

Image credit: Shayna Feinstein

In my post in which I analyzed Jeremy being bullied, I also introduced proof of him being a "pathological liar", as his father called him. For four years of researching Jeremy and his world, I had no idea what that meant until I experienced it myself.

So, I currently work with teenagers and one day I found out a lot of the things one teen had told me were lies. I was angry about it at first, until one of my colleagues explained the situation to me: this teen lived alone with their mother, who wouldn't pay much attention to them and basically let them do whatever they wanted. They had learned that in order to gain the attention of their mom, they would need to paint things bigger and more worrisome than they were: that's how they became a pathological liar.

With that, I managed to add the final, missing piece to understanding the Jeremy puzzle. Jeremy had made several comments to his friends about his parents not paying attention to him: his father had remarried and lived in another home for ten years - he clearly had built another life in which Jeremy may have not been involved much. His mother, on the other hand, had in all probability to work twice as hard while she was single in order to provide a home and food for her two children. She must have had a lot to worry about and probably didn’t give Jeremy the amount of attention he so badly needed, which is a difficult thing to do when you yourself need to rebuild your life from scratch. Jeremy was also the youngest in the family, his sister was older when their parents divorced so she was probably better mentally equipped to cope with, or at least to understand, the events. It also seems his sister was doing better at school than him (she was also a cheerleader, for a short while) and it could be that she received more attention than Jeremy. Jeremy did, in fact, "blame his problems on his parents and his older sister"; but I’ll include some considerations Chris made in one of his emails exchanged with Ash, so that you can get another point of view since, until now, all we knew was what Jeremy had told people:

"Another thing that I read that I really don't like because I don't think it is accurate, and this has been being said since around the time of his death. The thing about his not receiving enough love at home. I knew both of his parents back then. His dad more than his mom. He was definitely cared for. Was he a needy kid/teen? Apparently more than realized. Was he not given or shown love and support? Not even close. Often people can say that they love us, and try for all they know what to do, in attempts to show us. That doesn't mean it is the "right way" or most well received way for the individual. I think that his parents were doing everything that they could to pick up after their divorce, start anew with new partners, while trying to co-parent their kids pragmatically. Did [Jeremy's sister] get more attention from his mom than he did? Yeah I'd say so. I think that his dad was sort of at a loss as to what to do, so befriending him to try and understand him was the route he took. Sometimes kids need a parent more than a best bud. This was the late 80's and our society was not as used to wide scale divorce as we are currently. I remember the mid-life crisis divorce trend hitting big around 1984/85/86. [...] We as a culture were still navigating widespread single parenting, and were not yet fully aware of how much of a task it is/was. No, I don't think he was lacking love or emotional support at home. I just don't think that it was what he needed for his particular wants from a parent, whether that was consciously or sub-consciously such”.

There is one thing that I feel the need to point out about Chris’s point of view: he had met Jeremy’s parents but he did not know how they would act behind closed doors, when he wasn’t around; and there's no real way to tell given everyone gives their own version and we wouldn’t get a clear view out of Jeremy even if we could: he was a teenager and a pathological liar who tended to paint things bigger than they were… so who knows? I guess the truth is in the middle and it’s similar to what Chris said: there are different ways of showing and interpreting love, different love languages, and they don’t always get recognized, understood and appreciated. No doubt Jeremy’s parents loved him, but maybe they and Jeremy shared a different love language.

Let's now try to understand how it feels to be around a pathological liar: if somebody constantly lies about themselves and their life, so much that you can't really tell whether they are telling the truth or just painting things bigger or making them up... how much can you really say you know about them? How can you really get close, so close that you can effectively help, to someone who never lets you see who they really are or how they really are feeling? Because you see, Jeremy's problem wasn't only the lies, it was also the fact that he was a boy and boys and men are expected to be strong and never cry, never show any ‘weak’ emotion, never show any sign of vulnerability because otherwise they’re going to be labeled as weak. Consider also that Jeremy was living in one of the least progressive states - Texas - in years in which nobody would really say how they felt out of fear of being seen as crazy; and remember that looking for a therapist wasn’t even the first option given that in the United States even calling an ambulance costs lots of money.

What you're going to obtain as a result of all of these factors is someone who bottles everything up, using any sort of quick, cheap and unhealthy thing - alcohol, smoke, drugs - in order to cope, until they eventually explode because they have very poor emotional regulation skills. You're going to have a kid who is unpredictable and indulges in dangerous, self-destructive behavior, both because they don't know any better and because they grew up learning that they need to be dramatic (and lie) in order to obtain attention.

But let’s switch perspectives: imagine that you’re the parent of such a child, a child who is always being ‘dramatic’, and imagine that some kids from some psychiatric hospital (who carry the stigma of being ‘not normal’ and unreliable) call you and tell you that your kid (who, again, you know very well to be dramatic) said some worrying things and mentioned suicide... would you believe them? Because I have got to be honest with you: once I understood Jeremy's ‘boy who cried wolf’ tendency, I finally understood that his mother did not pay attention to the warning of his friends not because she didn't care, but rather because she thought Jeremy was acting out for attention, like he often would. I can’t even imagine the trauma of finding out that, this time, the threat was real, and living with the remorse that you should have somehow been able to distinguish this real threat from all the other 'just for attention' ones. Plus, today it is known that behind someone who constantly tries to draw the attention of others, there is a request for help (when there aren't certain personality disorders like narcissistic and histrionic), but can you really expect a parent living in a psychology-ignorant society to know this?

What about Jeremy’s father, then, did he care? Well, he ran out of all his insurance’s money (and it must have been a lot) in order to allow Jeremy to stay six months in Timberlawn to get better; and when Jeremy got out Joseph looked for another therapist. Also, when Jeremy was arrested for theft at Richardson High School, Joseph asked the police to report his son’s theft to the juvenile system, so he could receive proper help. This doesn’t look like a father who didn’t care about his son, does it? Someone who didn't care wouldn't have spent a dime on Jeremy. What it looks like, is that Joseph was simply desperate, much like Wanda: they didn't know what to do with their erratic, incorrigible son anymore, their resources and knowledge were very limited because they lived in a time where the Internet didn't exist so they had very limited options or solutions - in other words, they knew what was in their immediate surroundings; if there were other solutions, they couldn’t know about them.

Connected to this is Joseph and Wanda's reaction when learning about Jeremy's death: Wanda became "hysterical", Joseph was described by the policeman filing the report as showing “no emotion, remorse or anything else, concerning the death of his son". What I personally believe is that Wanda was “hysterical” also because she understood this time Jeremy’s threat was real and she didn’t listen; while Joseph, on the other hand, it took me a lot of time, study and pondering to understand that maybe he was acting ‘uncaring’ because… he had expected Jeremy’s suicide to happen.

Think about it: the last straw was him asking the police to have his son’s theft reported to the juvenile system - a desperate request from a desperate father who had run out of solutions. His son had already attempted suicide, but after Timberlawn he was acting even worse and it seemed like he was never going to get better. In fact, his only aspirations at age sixteen were to get a car and a girl pregnant and he didn’t want to stay off of drugs nor stay out of trouble. In my eyes, Joseph was acting ‘uncaring’ because he had expected and feared something so terrible would happen, but he had run out of solutions so he felt like it was only going to be a matter of time - he felt helpless. And when the day finally came that Jeremy did kill himself, I think the first thought that went through his mind was: “It happened.”

So no. It is easy to point fingers and blame Jeremy’s parents, but from all the sources I could gather and the pondering I did, I believe his parents did try, until the very end, at the best of their knowledge and abilities, but were left feeling helpless seeing that no matter what they did or how much money they spent on him, Jeremy was resisting every treatment.

It goes without saying that those parents are grieving for Jeremy until this day, just like his poor sister is. “No day shall erase you from the memory of time”.

LOVE ON THE BORDER LINE: LOVING SOMEONE WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE

Image credit: waterfall7290. This was one of my first Jeremy drawings, made in 2020, and I guarantee you it’s only a matter of time before another Tumblr content-stealing website comes along and republishes it elsewhere without my consent. Oh well.

March 1990 - Jeremy met his first love, Nancy. First loves are known to be the ones you never forget about, because it is the first time you’re having such strong feelings for someone, someone you don’t really know and that you idealize because you’re young and naive. Later in life, after many ‘life lessons’, you eventually learn not to idealize people and that it takes time to form a strong bond. However, when you’re just a teenager and especially when you’re in such desperate need for love, you don’t do that. And you don’t do that if you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

ABOUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a long-term mental health disorder which commenced to be widely studied in the 1980s. Because of the severity of its symptoms, it requires the attention of very skilled and highly trained mental health professionals. This condition is considered one of the most stigmatized and challenging to treat, reason why not many therapists feel comfortable working with it or even diagnosing it (source). This is also due to the fact that it is common among borderline patients to display manipulative behaviors which could result in the loss of their therapist's license (source). Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by rather intense and sudden mood swings, impulsivity, a pattern of unstable relationships, intense episodes of anger, depression and anxiety lasting from a few hours to days. Individuals suffering from BPD also possess an unstable image of oneself, extreme fear of abandonment and a tendency to dramatically shift their opinion of people by either idealizing or demonizing them (commonly referred to as "black and white thinking") (source). Additionally, they often turn to substance abuse, self-harm and reckless and impulsive behavior (e.g. shopping spree, reckless driving...) in an attempt to ease their intense emotions or, on the contrary, to try to feel any kind of emotion, since they go through chronic feelings of emptiness and dissociation, too. It is estimated that 50 to 80% of individuals suffering from BPD self-harm and that up to 10% manage to commit suicide (source). The intensity and presence of the symptoms varies from patient to patient. BPD has a genetic predisposition. Environmental factors that have been identified as contributing to the development of borderline personality disorder include primarily childhood maltreatment (physical, sexual, or neglect), found in up to 70% of people with BPD, as well as maternal separation, poor maternal attachment, inappropriate family boundaries, parental substance abuse, and serious parental psychopathology (source). For a long time, it was believed that BPD could not be diagnosed before the age of eighteen years old, because several of its symptoms (e.g. impulsivity, anger outbursts, intense emotions, identity disturbance…) can be mistaken for normal changes in the body and mind happening during adolescence. However, in later years, numerous researches have shown that BPD can indeed start to manifest itself in adolescence (as young as eleven years old): “Using the same Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth version (DSM-V) criteria as in adults, borderline personality disorder (BPD) in adolescents is defined as a 1-year pattern of immature personality development with disturbances in at least five of the following domains: efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable interpersonal relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity, suicidal and self-mutilating behaviors, affective instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate intense anger, and stress-related paranoid ideation. BPD can be reliably diagnosed in adolescents as young as 11 years. The available epidemiological studies suggest that the prevalence of BPD in the general population of adolescents is around 3%. The clinical prevalence of BPD ranges from 11% in adolescents consulting at an outpatient clinic to 78% in suicidal adolescents attending an emergency department.” (source)

Now, I’m no psychologist or such, but we could find some similarities between Jeremy’s reported behavior and the symptoms here described: Efforts to avoid abandonment: threatening suicide twice (both episodes in July 1990) in order to convince Nancy to get back with him; offering Michelle to raise a child that wasn’t even his so he could still be involved with her. In addition to this, the September 1990 letter addressed to Chris shows a really insecure and ‘clingy’ Jeremy writing 4/7 pages of affection and appreciation for his friend! Unstable interpersonal relationships: the tormented relationships both with Nancy and Michelle and his incapability of setting and respecting boundaries, like not accepting the breakups and insisting on contacting and expressing love and longing for both. A core symptom of BPD is also the idealization/demonization of people, which he did with both ex-girlfriends: Nancy was idealized as she was seen as the love of his life (the ring he wanted her to have on the last day) although they had known each other for less than two weeks before dating and they had dated for only a month; while Michelle went from being idealized to demonized the moment she broke up with Jeremy (he accused her of being partially to blame for his suicide). Identity disturbance: identity disturbance is a term used to describe incoherence or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs and actions are constantly changing - like Jeremy lying about himself and his life or Jeremy admitting (in the September 1990 letter to Chris) to getting his arm tattoo and pretending to be affiliated with the Confederate Hammerskins only to impress Chris. Impulsivity: lying, making threatening comments about the Math teacher, stealing a stereo, stealing money from the basketball game, stealing the ring and the gun, stealing his parent’s car multiple times to go visit friends as far as Austin... impulsivity basically means getting in potentially risky/dangerous situations without thinking of the consequences first. Suicidal and self-mutilating behaviors: this one is obvious, but self-mutilating/self-harming behaviors can also include abusing substances (which Jeremy was known for); exercising to the point of collapse or injury; getting into fights in which one is likely to be hurt; having unsafe sex; denying oneself a necessity as a punishment; stopping medication or starving with intent to cause harm; deliberate recklessness (e.g. risk-taking with cars and trains). (source, source) Now I don’t know if Jeremy had any self-inflicted wounds on his body, but I believe he did show signs of the other self-harming behaviors which I have written in bold: he was found to be twelve pounds lighter when he died (which means in some way he had denied himself the necessity to eat) and he “did not want to stay clean” from drugs (which was necessary for his well-being). He was also reckless (see: impulsivity). Chronic feelings of emptiness: emptiness can be ‘fought’ by indulging in unhealthy behaviors like doing impulsive and risky things like stealing a car, lying about one’s life, abusing substances… the riskier the behavior, the more alive one feels (thanks to an adrenaline rush). Affective instability/Inappropriate intense anger: affective instability is a term used to indicate rapid emotional shifts, usually towards a negative emotion such as depression, anxiety or anger. Several people described Jeremy as a kid with anger problems. Stress-related paranoid ideation: Jeremy telling Ryan that “for some unknown reason people were trying to track him down, and someone was going to kill him”, so that’s why he needed a gun. I may be stretching things here, or maybe I am not. There’s no way to know if Jeremy really had BPD (and maybe some other comorbid disorder like Bipolar Disorder), but I’ve always been inclined to think he did fit several of its symptoms.

Back to Jeremy's love life: why is love so important in our society? Because it is the foundation for building a second home, a second family. Ever since we’re children, our society brainwashes us into believing love is magically going to solve all of our problems: think of all the fables and stories that tell about a prince saving a princess and finding love and a happy ever after; think of all the cartoons, especially Disney, every one of us grew up with - love is always the goal, love is the magic force that saves. And that task of solving problems and providing happiness is always assigned to women, who are seen as the embodiment of unconditional love and family. Girls grow up with the idea that a boy is going to protect them and boys grow up with the idea that a girl is going to cure their issues with the magical power of love. Everyone falls for this stereotype, but those who didn’t feel loved enough by their first family tend to believe in this more strongly than those who grew up in a loving home.

Now when Jeremy found Nancy, he thought he had found the cure for all of his sadness and issues. He was missing his first family, so he felt the need to create another one, one in which he would actually experience undivided love and attention, and idealized this to be possible with Nancy. Unfortunately, the problem was that Jeremy was incapable of healthily manage a relationship, both because he had never witnessed what healthy love was (given his parents had had a messy divorce) and also because he was so young and inexperienced and going through adolescence, a time of life where a million changes are happening both on the inside and on the outside and it is difficult to navigate through them, especially if you lack emotional regulation skills and the help of a proper therapist (namely a cognitive-behavioral one which is so common today but which was so uncommon at the time).

So what happens when you have all these emotional regulation problems, huge expectations, a huge need for love and a huge fear of abandonment? You cling onto the other person. You become very jealous because you’re afraid of losing them and you constantly project your fears onto this person, becoming possessive and suffocating - toxic, in other words.

And what can the person you’re with, which is your opposite, do? They leave you. They probably won’t even try to work through the issues because at such a young age, let’s be honest, the majority of teenagers want to have a good time, not to have someone who drags them down. Plus, it’s really of no point to try to work through said issues if the person you’re with doesn’t want to solve them, probably makes you feel smothered and unsafe and doesn’t even look like the kind of person you could ever build something with (Jeremy really had no aspirations, while Nancy had many).

From the 1991 police report (page 20 of the PDF): “Nancy advised they dated from that time until sometime in the middle of April at which time she broke off the relationship with Delle due to him being possessive and his problems with drugs and depression."

Let’s switch sides again now and let’s try to put ourselves in Jeremy’s shoes: how are you going to react knowing that after having lost half of your family, friends through the years, your beloved best friend… now even the person you thought you had a future with, the ‘love of your life’, left you? You will probably think life is an unending source of pain in which everything you love eventually leaves you. Maybe you even blame yourself for it: “Everything I love leaves me so it must be my fault, I ruin everything”. Thoughts of this kind can lead to desperation, desperation which can exacerbate into extreme behaviors if you don’t receive any (professional) help or are incapable of both processing and expressing your emotions in a healthy way.

April 1990: Jeremy attempted suicide, two days after breaking up with Nancy.

His parents came together and decided to put Jeremy in what was thought to be the best hospital in Texas at the time, in an attempt to give him the help he needed: Timberlawn psychiatric hospital in Dallas. Jeremy spent six months of his life there, having the chance to come home for a brief time thanks to occasional passes.

In Jeremy’s September 1990 letter addressed to Chris, Jeremy claimed to have made some friends in Timberlawn who helped him, Chris being the most important one, who was like a “big fucking brother” to him. He also stated:

“I’m glad I got engaged with therapy and treatment, it’s made my time [in the program] shorter. [...] Now that I look at it running was stupid and didn’t solve anything so I’m not doing it cause it makes me feel like a complete dumbass, and that’s something I don’t want to feel like or be remembered as, cause I’m not.”

July 1990: Jeremy met Michelle at Timberlawn. Michelle was as troubled as Jeremy was, if not more: apparently she had been subjected to some important traumas during her childhood, which had made her into a very troubled and unstable person. At Timberlawn, she and Jeremy found each other and felt like they could understand each other, the ‘rejects’ of society who could build a happy future together.

Nevertheless, Jeremy was still longing for Nancy and when he got a pass to come home from Timberlawn in July 1990, he drove to her residence one night and did something very manipulative and toxic: he stated that he had a gun and that he wanted to kill himself. He had tried to do the same thing earlier that month when he had met Nancy again at the summer retreat sponsored by Casa View Baptist Church: he had climbed on a rock and had threatened suicide. Such manipulative and toxic behavior is unfortunately very typical of people who have serious disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder, for example. However, it is important to know that the majority of the people who do these things don’t usually do it out of malice, which means with the intent of hurting the other person - on the contrary, they often do it because life has no meaning to them and they’re desperate: they cannot accept the idea that the person who means everything to them doesn’t want them anymore and they don’t know any better way of gaining their attention, so they use suicide as a last resort. Still, malice or not, such behavior is very toxic and manipulative and should not be excused.

Now, try to put yourselves in Nancy’s shoes: even if she did not want to be in a relationship with Jeremy anymore, why do you think she never cut ties with him? She certainly wasn’t indifferent to him, in the sense that she cared about him, but I truly believe the thing that stopped her from cutting all ties was guilt and fear - fear that if she left, Jeremy would kill himself and she’d have to live with remorse. So she stayed, and Jeremy never really moved on from their breakup, because he could call her anytime he wanted and she’d always answer… and I can empathize with that choice, if that was really what made Nancy stay. Many people believe that if two people stay friends after a breakup, maybe the dumped one will suffer less… but they won’t. They will actually suffer more because they will keep hanging on to the hope that maybe, maybe one day they’ll get back together with their loved one - which is what, to my understanding, Jeremy hoped for until the very end.

Let’s go back to Michelle. It is not known if Jeremy met Michelle before or after these incidents. I am inclined to believe they may have met later, or maybe Jeremy already knew her but got interested in her following these events. This would make sense and it could be seen as a desperate attempt of his to find a replacement for Nancy. In my opinion, if he really had been in love with Michelle, he would have stopped calling Nancy; yet he didn’t, he kept calling her until the very end, so that’s why I believe Michelle was really a desperate lifeline to him. This makes even more sense if you consider that Jeremy did seem like the type of boy who would fall for basically anyone, as if he was constantly trying to fill a void. Surely that’s a normal thing at his age, but I have noticed a pattern which I want to report here:

From the September 7, 2021 email ‘RE: RE: I need your help with the story’ Ash exchanged with me: “Just be sure to convey that Lisa was just a crush of his...not a real deal first love or so. He was very committed to Nancy and Michelle at the time. But he could not decide. And he was always looking to score something "better", so to speak. In this regard he was the typical teen boy. He wanted to make love with Lisa. He was very focused on blondes with big ... you know. As I said, very blunt. It is apparent from his notes and what Lisa told me, which is why she turned him down.”; From the 1991 police report (page 30 of the PDF): “1/15/91 I received two letters [...] Jeremy Delle addressed to a Ladanda [...]. These notes talk about [...] his feelings for Ladanda."; From the suicide letter Jeremy sent to his friend Chris from Austin’s family and which was posted on jeremywadedelle.com (‘Later Life’, section ‘January 1991’): “[Censored, presumably the name of Chris’ sister]: “you are very very pretty. I hope you make some guy happy. You’re parents too.[...]”.

Anyway, Jeremy was released from Timberlawn in October 1990, while Michelle was re-admitted into Timberlawn. This makes you understand that the poor girl was really having a hard time, so it should come to no surprise that if someone as balanced as Nancy wasn’t capable of handling a relationship with Jeremy, neither could a girl who kept being re-admitted into psychiatric hospitals. Michelle couldn’t handle being with someone who was pressuring her to have a family with him and possibly get married… while being only sixteen and having been dating for only a couple of months! It is very normal to idealize people during adolescence, but all that running and pressuring to build a family together when they barely knew each other was over the top and it’s actually something that’s very common in people with, again, Borderline Personality Disorder.

Adding to this, Jeremy was a pathological liar, and usually pathological liars get to a point where they can’t really differentiate the truth from when they’re lying because that is a mechanism their brain has learned not only to gain the attention of people, but also to build a different reality than the one the person is actually living in. I guess you could define it as some form of dissociation: you dissociate from your real life and live into a fantasy, a fantasy you really, really want to believe, to the point you lose yourself in it. And that’s what Jeremy did when he was going around showing people pictures of a baby which wasn’t even his: he desperately wanted to believe he had a second family - so desperate, that when Michelle told him she thought she was pregnant but not of him, he offered to raise the baby, even if it wasn’t his. He wanted to have a second family so badly because he wanted to find love, but a love which wouldn’t divorce, wouldn’t die or wouldn’t leave him: he wanted a forever happy ever after; he wanted certainty and safety, above all.

So when Michelle rejected him, he demonized her, saying she was (part of) the reason why he would later kill himself. Obviously, it wasn’t Michelle’s fault: if Jeremy had been doing better and he and Michelle had broken up, he wouldn’t have killed himself - instead, he killed himself because he had a lot of problems and traumas weighing on him… so it was not because of how Michelle may have acted.

I don’t know how Michelle is doing today, but I know she’s had a very troubled life and while I don’t think the death of Jeremy is what caused her adult problems, I believe it’s part of it and I feel sorry for her because she had no fault over what happened; just like the Delle family had no real fault: they all did the best they could with the best of the knowledge and abilities they had at the time.

LIFE AT RICHARDSON HIGH: THE HOSPITAL STIGMA, FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY, BULLYING AND ALIENATION

October 1990 - Jeremy was released from Timberlawn. He was a broken, lost and depressed fifteen-year-old with several traumas weighing on his shoulders and with very low self-confidence and self-esteem. He had a great need for love and attention which stemmed from his parents' divorce and the fact that, in his eyes, they weren’t giving him enough of any of the two. He was looking for someone - anyone - who could love him and stay with him forever… but his family was split and the friends he had made during the years had lasted only a short time, because he had changed schools and addresses multiple times and now he was alone in a new city, new school, with no friend by his side.

The friend he cared about the most, Chris, was 200 miles away in Austin. His forever best friend, Mike, the first and real family he felt like he had, had died in a tragic accident a few years earlier. On top of all that, both his girlfriends had broken up with him, making him feel like he wasn’t worthy of being loved. And if he wasn’t worthy of being loved, he could never have his own family.

Was it even worth trying to build a bond with someone anymore, given life had taught him no bond ever lasted? On one hand, it really seemed like he wasn’t destined to find a loving and stable figure, and on the other hand, it seemed like he didn’t deserve to find any. Deep down, it is likely Jeremy felt like he wasn’t good enough to be loved (he couldn’t have a healthy relationship even if he wanted to, as his behavior was a big issue) and like he was too broken to get his life together. But he tried to fight this feeling.

After coming out of the hospital, he went to live with his father, who had been a kind of estranged figure all of his life - maybe not estranged but one with whom he surely had much less contact. He probably didn’t know how to act and neither did his father, much like Chris suggested. Jeremy must have also felt rejected by his own mother, whom he felt ‘didn’t want him anymore’. Ash suggested that Jeremy’s behavior with the anger outbursts, the drug problems and the ‘drama’ must have been very hard on his sister and his mother, so maybe that’s why Wanda sent him to live with his father. Who knows. In any case, he was undoubtedly closer to his mother (having lived with her all his life) and mothers are generally more emotionally available than fathers, in the sense that it is easier for a son to open up about his feelings to his mother than to his father, especially one that hadn’t been much present in his life.

As a result of all this, Jeremy acted up and was ‘dramatic’, he told a lot of lies because he had developed like that, he had learned that he needed to make others worry in order to make them notice him. But this backfired because it got him into trouble and arose conflicts with his parents, making him feel worse and worse. On top of all that was also his addiction to substances, which made him feel better temporarily but once the effect ended, he would feel those ugly emotions again so he would go look for those substances again - he was trapped in a never-ending cycle of unhealthy dependency which he could not (or did not want to) stop.

Richardson was his fifth home (six, if you also count the residence at Timberlawn) in ten years and Richardson High was his seventh (or a little less, the exact number is uncertain) school. All his life had lacked certainty and stability and now he was also carrying the stigma of being the ‘crazy' kid, the ‘not normal' kid, the ‘something is wrong with him’ kid because he had spent six months of his life in a psychiatric hospital. Most of his new schoolmates were richer kids and they all looked like they had their life together, while he did not, not in the slightest. He felt pressured to play a role, he had to make up stories about himself and look cooler than he actually was even if in all probability, in my opinion Jeremy felt like the exact opposite. But no one wants to be your friend if you’re a loser.

So he acted up in class. He made up grandiose, sometimes blatantly false stories in order to make people like him. Some did (Lisa and Ryan, for example), but the majority was indifferent to him while others started to bully him… to the point of throwing stuff at him when the teacher wasn’t looking? Who knows. But there were surely people making fun of him, alienating him even further and making him feel even more like he wasn’t worthy of being loved. Jeremy reacted both with depression and anger to this, depression when he was feeling like he had no control over his own life, and anger when he wanted to have control over his own life, but he felt like the circumstances and the people around him wouldn't let him. He was described as a very angry child.

Then Jeremy did some stupid teenage stuff that anyone could have done - stole some money from a basketball game, kept questionable things in his locker that looked satanic while the Satanic Panic hysteria was going around, said some bad things about two teachers he didn’t like. While for a lot of people that would have been considered normal teenage behavior, Jeremy was targeted from the moment he stepped foot in the school because he came from a psychiatric hospital and was therefore judged dangerous. Therefore, the moment he made some mistakes the school went after him.

December 1990 - Jeremy was put in In School Suspension. The problem was that he was kept there for a longer time than other kids (one month, of which two weeks of school time). For context: the general time spent in ISS is a couple of days, the maximum is 10 days but only if something really really bad was done, like beating someone up or something. Certainly not for smoking (the initial reason for which he was put in ISS) or stealing some money, or having some questionable but not dangerous stuff in a locker, or making some bad comments about some teachers (the reason for which his stay in ISS was extended).

What I'm trying to say is that I believe the school would have treated the situation differently, in a lighter way, had it been another kid; but because Jeremy came from a mental hospital, he was treated like a problem child from the moment he stepped foot in his new school. ISS was like isolation and the last thing Jeremy needed was to be separated from everyone else almost as soon as he had arrived because, I believe, that’s what confirmed to him, more than anything else, that nobody really wanted him around and that no matter how much he tried, he was never going to get better, life was never going to get better, because everything had kept going steadily worse and there was no sign that it could ever get better.

And that’s when, surely after some major breakdown, Jeremy finally felt a weight off his chest. He felt consolation in the thought that he did have a choice after all, that there was something he could do to feel like he had any power over his life; there was a way to stop suffering. And that would be dying.

January 8, 1991 - Jeremy went to school and he looked really happy, he hugged people, because he felt relieved in knowing all of his pain was soon going to be over. But he had no intention of leaving without a fight, I believe. He didn’t want to leave silently, because otherwise people wouldn’t have remembered him. Otherwise, everyone would have forgotten him just like they had forgotten him while he was alive.

Why did he choose Barnett’s class? I have no idea. Several students claimed Barnett was a really great teacher, so maybe Jeremy did it because he felt ‘safe’ in her class. Other people said that the kids in the English class were the ones who bullied Jeremy, so maybe he felt like giving them a lesson. Someone else (not from that class) said those same kids never bullied Jeremy. Therefore… who knows. Who knows why he chose that particular class. Maybe there’s no real reason, maybe it was simply the first class that came to his mind.

What matters, I believe, is why he decided to do it - like I said, I believe he wanted people to notice him and to remember him forever, but he didn’t want to physically hurt anyone because, I believe, there was no malice in him. Jeremy had a golden heart, he loved people (his own way), more than he loved himself - that’s what I understood about him. I’m pointing this out because I am really sick and tired of people associating him to those school shooter monsters who instead took lives with them. Jeremy could have killed someone that day but he didn’t, I think that’s a very important distinction that needs to be made. Still, it goes without saying that even if he didn’t hurt anyone physically that day, he did psychologically. It’s not only the people who witnessed his death who will have to live with that trauma forever, it’s also his family and friends.

But if Pearl Jam didn’t write the song, only a selected number of people would have known and remembered him. I think Jeremy will forever be remembered until the song is remembered. Unfortunately, the song pushed a narrative that many people still believe to be accurate even to this day. In addition, the song made all the wrong kinds of people know about the incident and act nasty about it: some acted like vultures around Jeremy and his loved ones and inflicted even deeper traumas by calling Jeremy’s family and invading their privacy and grief, asking them very inappropriate questions or making very inappropriate and outright insane demands, like having Jeremy’s bloody sweatshirt… or so I was told. But given the things I have seen ever since I have known the True Crime Community (for which it will be very clear, at this point, that I feel a deep, burning hate), I have no doubt things like these really happened.

CONCLUSION

Image credit: Scott Snyder, Jock - from the comic book: “Wytchers - Vol 1″

I guess what I really want people to ponder upon, is that from my understanding, mistakes were surely made but all of Jeremy’s friends and family tried, at the best of their knowledge and abilities, to help him… but he was a very difficult and unstable person to deal with, there’s no doubt about that. I see people say: “I wish I had been his friend, so I could have helped him” all the time. I used to say the same things, until I wrote the trilogy No more “Later Days” and dived deep in basically all the things you have read in this article and I understood that, at some point, anyone would have easily felt frustrated at trying to help a kid who kept getting in trouble and who looked like he didn’t want to get better. And all of the people who make these comments seem not to take into consideration that you can’t spend your entire life and time helping someone, someone so difficult and stubborn, because everyone has their places to be, things to do, family and friends to see… etcetera. Jeremy needed a lot of help and attention, more than was available at the time in a place like Texas and more than his family and friends were capable of giving him. Surely, some things could have happened differently, some different choices could have been made. But you must not forget that nobody really had the intention of causing harm to Jeremy (well, except for his bullies of course) - everyone tried to do what was the best, the rest was… a very unfortunate chain of consequences.

I do wonder if, had he been born later, he could have had some more concrete chances to save himself. I like to think he could have, but it still would have been a very very very complicated situation. He would have had the internet where he could have searched for solutions and talked to people who were going through the same about his feelings, feelings that he kept bottled up. I know the internet is what saved me when I was a teenager, and I know I’m not the only one… otherwise I believe I would have ended up like Jeremy. I guess this is what keeps me going and do what I do, both on the internet and in real life. I’m a survivor, so I try to teach what I’ve learned to other people so that hopefully, I can make them into survivors as well. I do it for Jeremy and I do it for myself, I do it for all those who didn’t make it.

I couldn’t save Jeremy because I wasn’t there when it happened, but maybe, maybe I can help building a future in which stories like Jeremy’s never happen again. And you, if you’re reading - you can and should do the same. For you. For me. For Jeremy. For everyone.

If you have taken the time to read all of this - congratulations! You must be someone who is really interested in Jeremy. I hope I helped in making people ponder upon and understand what it took me four years and a trilogy to understand.

If you have read this and actually knew Jeremy, because you’re either a friend or a family member… what do you think? Have I managed to portray an accurate image of him and you? Are my sources accurate? I would love to hear your opinion and criticism, in case you have any. The same goes for anyone else who read, obviously. I’m always open to constructive feedback.

If you’d like to contact me, my email is waterfall7290 + @ + google mail domain.

Thank you for reading this far.

Always,

Waterfall

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