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fandomsoda · 4 months

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I have just learned that someone very important in the Xvials community has been forced to stop posting about the ship due to the harassment they are receiving.

Needless to say, I am absolutely livid about this, not only for losing someone important in a small community of mine, but absolutely disgusted that people would harass someone over a ship that DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH IT.

Harassment is already wrong obviously I shouldn’t have to say that, but it’s ten times worse when the reason behind it isn’t even fucking valid. Even if it were, harassment doesn’t work and only causes people to either double down or become emotionally unstable and puts them in danger. Harassment is never the answer in these times.

So here’s everyone’s (un)friendly reminder that Xvials is not problematic, Xvials is not pro/ship, a lot of people just have very weird views of how the multiverse works and haven’t refreshed themselves on X-Tale in a while and let their hatred of XGaster get out of hand. It’s totally fine not to like it, but don’t lie about it.

I’m gonna quickfire debunk the primary claims I’ve been seeing surrounding Xvials, btw for those out of the know, Xvials is XGaster x Ink, sometimes romantic but usually queerplatonic or some other abstract case. Let’s get started-

argument #1: “Ink’s adoptive dads are Gasters, so him being with a Gaster is pseudo-incest!”

Alright this alone to me is just ridiculous because like, actually think about that for a second, this is implying that every single Gaster in the whole multiverse is somehow related to Ink and that he can’t have unique relationships with them and I hope that everyone can recognize that the concept alone is absurd.

argument #2: “It’s abusive! They’re just using each other! XGaster actually hates Ink!”

Did we watch the same show? Because I don’t think we did, since in X-Tale their bond is repeatedly displayed and in Underverse it’s reinforced, with tons of extra things Jakei has posted emphasizing their bond. May I remind everyone of “come back”, this teaser Jakei showed depicting XGaster being actively afraid of losing Ink? Keep in mind how Ink is shown in a bright, important light here? He’s clearly afraid of losing him, they’re genuine friends, it’s not just for his own motives, and XGaster never treats Ink poorly, other than leaving him in the dark about things that I doubt he’s intentionally hiding from him, simply not thinking Ink would need/want to know. Like I said: totally fine if it’s not your thing or you don’t like it, but don’t fucking lie.

argument #3: “They’re both aroace!”

True, however that makes it even more likely for them to have a unique bond and understanding of each other than with others, definitely not romantic but as I said before, Xvials isn’t primarily romantic and all romantic depictions are fully recognized as fanon, if they appear at all. Also when I talk about them having a special and unique bond, that’s addressed in a canon comic, remember this from back in June? A lot of the time, the two being aroace is actually a very important component of Xvials portrayals. Especially in my case, since the way I think of them is very much hazy and queerplatonic, like all my ships with Ink.

argument #4 (this is going to sound satirical but I’m not even kidding, I saw someone say this): “It’s pseudo-pedophilic because Ink is very short and acts younger while XGaster is tall and acts mature!”

I… am at a loss for words. Take a look at that, think about what you just said, and go touch grass. Obviously, Ink and XGaster are both full grown adults with somewhat ethereal ages, no one here is a child, and labeling Ink as child-like comes off as very ableist for a number of reasons. Ink can definitely be childish, any character can, but that doesn’t make them “child coded”.

ok, that was a lot, but I just needed to get that off my chest, I… yeah. I think y’all get it. Good day.

#text post #small fandom psa #underverse #xtale #xtaleunderverse #xvials #ink sans #xgaster #kind of a rant #I feel so defeated right now #pr0ship dni btw #do not hijack this post to complain about “antis” I’m antiship myself

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avenpt · 3 months

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i’m super confused about this all the time so here we go. i’m a lesbian and i’ve been out for a few years now. i’ve been questioning if i’m ace or aro or aspec somewhere for about nine months, and i’m just not sure. i also have depression and anxiety, and i frequently lose possession of my emotions and feelings and become numb or i disassociate from my body, so sometimes i think maybe it’s just that and i’m not aspec. but i have this friend who i thought i liked, and i just kinda don’t anymore, i don’t like her as more than friends but we’ve nearly kissed a few times and sometimes i have this urge to kiss her for no reason, but when i think about it hard i discover i actually don’t really want that. and it’s not just with her, a lot of crushes i’ve had i’ve stopped liking them semifrequently for small amounts of time because i just didn’t buy them everything was fine again. i’m also a virgin, so i don’t really know if i’d like sex but i can’t imagine myself enjoying it, and i haven’t kissed anyone since i was nine and it was a boy and i don’t remember what it was like so i’m not sure if i’d like that. i say i want a girlfriend a lot but then i kind of thing about it and i’m not so sure i do. i’ve seen people on tumblr say they’re aroace lesbians but i’m kinda confused how that works and i’d love it if someone could clarify, i’m fairly sure that’s not me but i’d like to understand that identity better. also, in loveless when georgia is figuring out her sexuality she’s like surely people don’t just see random people and want to have sex with them. i’m reiterating that i’m real life. seriously is this a thing. sorry if this is confusing, i’m confused

Hello, anon! Thank you for reaching out. :)

You could certainly be an aspec lesbian of some sort if that feels right to you. Asexual lesbian, aro lesbian, or even aroace lesbian...all totally valid. As for aroace lesbian, what that means is that you do not feel sexual attraction or romantic attraction towards anyone, but your orientation leans lesbian for other forms of attraction, like aesthetic or platonic, etc. So you're not interested in sex or romance with anyone, but you are attracted towards women visually or mainly want to be in platonic (or queerplatonic) relationships with females. I hope that helps!

It's possible that you're grayromantic, and you have crushes, but they fade quickly or you only go through short periods of time where you have crushes/romantic attraction. And it's totally ok to be a virgin; you can still identify however you wish without having tried sex. :) It all comes down to attraction, not action!

Best wishes to you!!

#anon #question #lesbian #aspec #aro #ace #questioning

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nowandthane · 9 months

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🎶 9 Ship Songs 🎶

Thank you @my-dumb-obsessions for tagging me ❤️ I saw this and wanted to do it too so I’m very grateful xD

Rules: List 9 songs for one (or more) of your ships. Optionally, tag 9 people.

Tagging @azurechicken @sillyliterature @ace-trash-boi @elvhencore @daedrabait @queentheirins @yurissweettooth @malabadspice @corgiofdeath only if you wanna do it! No pressure ❤️ and sorry if you’ve already been tagged 😅 Also anyone else who wants to do this ofc!

This got long so I’m putting it under the cut 😅

I can’t choose one ship lmao so, starting off with Dragon Age~

Riyaad x Fenris (for when Fenris leaves yknow. I promise they’re not this angsty all the time)

Shadow Preachers by Zella Day

I close my eyes, just close the door You want a minute, I'll give you more Maybe I don't want you either We're both unsettled, nighttime creatures Shadow preachers, nighttime creatures

Veara x Solas (though tbh this is just peak Solavellan song to me, it’s not really specific to Veara idk)

Murder Song (5, 4, 3, 2, 1) - Acoustic by AURORA

He holds the gun against my head I close my eyes and bang, I am dead I know he knows that he's killing me for mercy

Garrett x Anders (two apostates against the world + religious trauma who doesn’t love it!)

Sinners by Lauren Aquilina

So lets be sinners to be saints And lets be winners by mistake The world may disapprove But my world is only you And if we're sinners then it feels like heaven to me Our hearts are too ruthless to break Lets start fires for heaven's sake

Arianwen x Cullen (this was always their song for me, I listened to it all the time when I was writing Command Me to Love)

Gold by Echos

Nobody knows who I am I've got intentions of gold with my plans Nobody knows who I am I've got intentions of gold with my plans

Some polyships—

Heroes of Ferelden (Nayima x Leliana x Alistair)

Nayima x Leliana (they have issues post blight/honeymoon phase but they’ll work things out eventually. I see this as Leliana singing the song about Naya)

October Passed Me By by Girl in Red

Yeah, I got bitter when you got cold Could you really blame me though? 'Cause I'm still tied up when you go You know this song is about you, who else could it be? You were the first to make me feel like I was me

Nayima x Alistair (sometimes I think I choose this song for them/aliwarden just because it has the word ‘tainted’ in it)

Battlefield by SVRCINA

Meet me on the battlefield Even on the darkest night I will be your sword and shield, your camouflage And you will be mine

i havent made a leliana x alistair playlist yet

3 Snipers + Tali (the name started as a joke but it stuck lmao. So this is Sarani’s polycule with Tali, Thane and Garrus. Garrus is also romantically involved with the other two, Tali and Thane are queerplatonic. It’s a whole thing, I’m writing their story rn and it’s pretty complicated ngl but I’m having fun)

Sarani x Tali (yeah ok the music video I edited for them is to a different song but… *shrugs*)

Love from NGC 7318 by Tanerélle, Barnes Blvd.

I wanna tell you how I feel tonight I keep trying, but the words ain't right Nothing's fitting for a kind like you I'm never speechless when the earth's my view Killing the time Building a fort Wrapped in each other as we fall in love I've never met a girl like you, never met a girl like you

Sarani x Thane (but they WILL last, they WILL, I will MAKE IT SO)

Won’t by Tanerélle

I tell him 'Go fast' I've gotta thing for speed He tells me 'Lean back' I let him take the lead I know it won't last But he is all I need I write my name over his tongue So it is all he speaks I got a million fucking reasons I should leave him But I don't I got a million fucking reasons to stop dreaming But I won't

Sarani x Garrus (hmm, that’s a lot of Tanerélle, you might think. idk I was listening to a lot of her when this polycule was cooking in my head)

Ripe by Tanerélle

I know you been thinking that you can't But I think that you should If I can make your whole body ache I can make you feel good I'm what you need, I'm what you know Hooked on your axis You make my world go I'll keep you wild I'll keep you free Say you'll be mine I'll show you what that means

I have songs for the entire polycule too but I’m already at 9 so I’ll stop lmao

#tag games #riyaad x fenris #veara x solas #garrett x anders #arianwen x cullen #nayima x leliana #nayima x alistair #sarani x tali #sarani x thane #sarani x garrus #riyaad hawke #veara lavellan #garrett hawke #arianwen trevelyan #nayima surana #sarani shepard #my-dumb-obsessions #three snipers and a shotgun #heroes of ferelden

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thepunkmuppet · 1 year

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1 for ted lasso, 3 for the guy who didnt like musicals and 23 cornetto trilogy

ooooh ok ok

1 for Ted Lasso:

I would say for me a character everybody gets wrong is sam simply because no one talks about him. like he is AMAZING and no one talks about him!! he is PERFECT 2014 tumblr flower crown boy material and no one else can see how perfect my boy is!! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HIM LIKE ME HE IS THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I LOVE HIM

3 for TGWDLM:

there is one thing, but I’ve only ever seen it on youtube and never tumblr, and that’s the huge amount of people who don’t like “tied up my heart”. WOT. I belt it in my kitchen at any opportunity it’s one of my favs from the entire show and it’s SO FUNNY like do y’all just not like fun???!?!!

23 for cornetto trilogy:

weirdly I feel like I have unwillingly come around to romantic shaun and ed. like they’re VERY easy to ship on a surface level and a comedy level (“hE’s NoT mY bOYfRiEnD”) but I also like shaun and liz and couldn’t imagine anything like… HAPPENING with shaun and ed if you know what I mean, not even like a cheeky little drunk kiss or something. but I do enjoy them on a “yes we are married. yes we are both bi curious heterosexual males. we love each other very dearly and will smooch for funsies but we are 100% bendy as spaghetti straight as planks” kind of level. they are the people who everyone assumes are a couple but they’re always like “WOT what are you even tALKING ABOUT hahaaaaha that’s not true haha do you want to make out right now though do you though” a lot like graeme and clive in paul actually. someone described them as queerplatonic and I actually really love that so yeah

#ted lasso #sam obisanya #tgwdlm #the guy who didn’t like musicals #cornetto trilogy #the cornetto trilogy #shaun of the dead #sotd

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nhi-theuserof-this · 10 months

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Can’t hold it in anymore guys I gotta drop a massive analysis on Pine Overcoat now that it’s existed publicly for more than an hour

Yelling about pine overcoat now that I’ve posted it

Also! Please read if you’re interested in qpr punknoir love confession

Ok so. I have A Lot to say so I’m just gonna add a cut to keep from having a big hard to scroll past post

OK TIME TO YELL

I will be yelling in chronological order in case you want to read along with my psychological profile of my own writing

Wtf is the title am I right?

Lay In My Pine Overcoat (Share With A Stranger)

The title has a couple things going on here so I’ll break it down:

what is “my pine overcoat”:

I do like, research, about things to make my weirdass jargon sound better or at least not entirely terrible, but my regular website for noir slang was running out of interesting phrases and terms I could reasonably use, but I don’t quite remember the site I pulled pine overcoat from. I’m pretty sure I took it from this site which defines pine overcoat as a coffin

The whole phrase, “lay in my pine overcoat” is functionally me writing a vaguely noir pov melodramatic line that would translate to “lay in my coffin” which does not sound as cool

What about “(share with a stranger)”?

This is a reference to hobie, who, in the title, is referred to as a stranger. There is a degree of vagueness that comes from the term stranger that you don’t get with saying friend or acquaintance, making how I’d translate the phrase different. Share with a stranger is changed to sharing with him

Why is he sharing? Uh. They’re boyfriends now. Do you NOT want to have a shared coffin and spend your eternal afterlife with YOUR queerplatonic partner?🤨

What do you mean satosugufication of punknoir? (Distressed kaomoji)

“[..]very minor blended in satosugufication of punknoir.” - my A/N

There is a difference between being friends, acquaintances, and best friends.

Oh boy. This one is gonna need a deep dive on my brain lol. And stsg.

What is satosugu?

This is an explanation with the base assumption that you’ve never even heard of jjk:

Satosugu is the pairing between Gojo Satoru and Geto Suguru from the Jujutsu Kaisen series. They are gay and really sad. Akutami sensei just will not let the gays win huh? (See itafushi for more on the gays never winning)(see literally anything post flashback arc on nobody ever winning in jjk)

Satosugu has my whole heart in a violent grip with hostages and I’ve always loved doomed by the narrative/they’re just sad gays stuff(trigun moment) so I just wrote the line while thinking about stsg. No actual evil foreshadowing or anything unless that’s what you guys are into

(I can probably whip up a quick “you’re ruining the canon >:((“ plot)

Therapist?

His therapist—that's not something he'd imagine ever thinking or saying before[…]

He has a therapist. It’s canon to BS as of the Drabble adequately named “Therapist”. It’s Spider-Therapist btw. His name is Ezikiel Sims according to the license seen in his office

(He still thinks about the fog.)

A reference to his silly little dissociative episodes. The fog is mentioned in bankshot, though I can’t recall if it’s mentioned anywhere else

[…]Unhealthy, maybe, but it's a step in the proper direction from mostly being actively suicidal.

[…]but it doesn't stop the wave of sheer hopelessness that washes over him when he wakes up after sleeping a few hours.

Noir is getting better. He will have ups and downs, as your mental health is not linear in any way, and from experience I can say that sometimes you just can’t help waking up and just having the shittiest time existing. (I think it shows in my writing) Noir has access to resources he wouldn’t have otherwise if he wasn’t a part of the spider society and I feel like that’s part of what keeps him there, better or worse

They've swapped jackets, and Ben is so weak for such an act, simple as it is.

Shoutout to the homie annon for punknoir switching clothes, wouldn’t have happened without them

[…]He didn't expect it to get anywhere, but it did.

It did.

I had a little dialogue written but it didn’t fit in so:

“Thanks man, it’s mad cold round here. Wanna swap?”

He hopes he's been dropping pins enough to have it noticed.

Dropping pins is old slang for dropping hints(that you’re gay) according to this site

F slur(1) jumpscare below (I can say it dw)

That same site has a definition for punk at it reminds me of the spider-fag bit that happened over on the one blog(I’ll find it), had a quick laugh but it made me think about how noir would probably know that definition and would therefore be acting without referencing knowledge he has

I combat this by crying out “comic logic pls ignore”

Tism

He gets distracted by the nice feeling of cool dirt under his palms.

"Yeah I'm, sorry. I promise I'm normal about this, I just really like colors," he says at the dirt. "I really like colors."

I like cold sand. I assume cold dirt would be equally enjoyable. I’m not like, diagnosed, and dodging being asked about it or getting a diagnosis is a little counterproductive when I’m like, making claims over here, but I’m trying to maximize my rights

I think we can all also agree noir at the very least is a massive fan of colors.

A few hours later finds them both on a new rooftop, dirt washed from their hands and out of under their fingernails after finishing up work on the garden.

I’d literally drop dead if I had dirt or any kind of stuff under my fingernails and didn’t do something about it. I wash my hands often even at home, especially at home. I needed everyone to know that they washed their hands and don’t have dirt under their fingernails.

[…] and types out #390072

I think noir would like that shade of purple specifically

"You right mate?" "I love you."

[…]

Ben takes Hobie's hand in his, and says, "I am deeply in love with you."

It’s spur of the moment but it’s not like noir is just gonna take it back come on guys

"I have very complicated feelings," Ben replies, "lying would be cruel though."

Shoutout to you guys for voting on the poll and deciding this was more in character for him to say, this line was beating my ass so I just wrote them both and literally left it like that while writing the rest until the poll ended then just deleted the losing line

"Did- did I overstep?" Ben's shoulders creep upward as he leans away slowly. "I'm, sorry, I—"

"You gotta tell me all of it man."

Ben and Hobie are both very caring and I feel like they’re also both quite articulate when it comes to understanding themselves and the world around them. Bens initial and oh so eloquent(/sarcastic) response of "Euh. Uh,” comes from shock and surprise because he comes from an era where people just really don’t do feelings very deeply, and talk of boundaries and such isn’t really a common practice up until literally just a few years ago.

Hobie on the other hand is what I feel just generally socially aware in general given, you know the punk stuff and activism, so I absolutely believe he would encourage noir to explicitly state things the way he wants to without cutting anything out in order to fully understand as well as avoid making noir uncomfortable or bothered

Hobie holds out his hand. "It's alright," He reassures, "we could hold hands and be in love not romantically."

Hobie uses very simple language here and doesn’t even bring up aspec identities or anything here. I’ve said it in the tags of pine overcoat but I want to talk about it a little more here

Noir is from 1933. Things are very very different during that time, great depression, post wei and approaching wwii(though people don’t know it at the time) and just a generally shit time for minorities too. I’m not gonna talk about social nuances of the experience of being oppressed but I will talk about the part where a lot of these communities have to stay underground or are very private to individual people.

It’s because of that that there is very little information on your own identity available at the time. This coupled with a nonexistent internet means that you have to go out yourself and find these people in your community and by then it’s very risky due to the whole, you know minorities and this and that during that time

It’s also literally 1933. Noir is not gonna understand a majority of any type of slang you can come up with, and he’s going to have the shittiest time understanding modern humor and historical context given the being in history aspect. He doesn’t know about 9/11. The twin towers were built in like. 1970. He’d be about 60 by the time they’re built. He’s be in his 90s by the time 9/11 happened. There is so much that he won’t get because of just how much has happened.

He’s obviously picked up on the big parts of history that happen in the future. He’s probably heard enough about the world wars and all, but there’s also a lot of things that are considered universally known that he just. Doesn’t know. Like there is no way he knows about flappy bird or roblox. Or minecraft. He is absolutely always having something explained to him and while he probably appreciates it he’s also totally on the verge of snapping because

It’s just certainly a time having every single thing explained to you.

I feel that hobie can pick up on this pretty easily since they’re already pretty close in BS after initially meeting. He’d explain things in a way that minimizes having to ask follow up questions, so instead of saying something like “we can just be queerplatonic” or telling him about being aromantic or asexual he says that they can just be not romantic about it. He’d still tell noir about it in more depth eventually but when introducing new things he would probably try to stay simple about it

"Can I only lift up my mask halfway?"

Noir does not like his face. I’d say sorry but. I need to nerf his self confidence just a little bit since he gets to have that voice. Because like ik it’s probably possible but how are you achieving that tone without t. 💀 like his face is perfectly fine too but I just couldn’t not make him self conscious though

Ben marks the date on a calendar long after that moment when they eventually separate.

I want him to grow a small pot of marigolds and give them to hobie as like and anniversary present. I probably won’t write it but I want you all to know he’s doing that.

On to my authors note

i just had the shittiest time writing not angst. i'm just naturally bad at straight up non-angst(refer to my orv piece "sunfish" for more on that)

Like it says on the tin, writing straight fluff is poor for my soul. I wrote a stardew piece and I just did not have my heart in it. I don’t like it and it’s the only stardew fic I’ll write so you can check it out for more elaboration on why I wrote it in the notes. I wrote an omniscient readers viewpoint fic and while I wouldn’t say there was any fluff, you can tell that things got significantly lighter in tone after dokja does that silly thing that is not actually silly

[…] when i legally obtain the rest of noir comics i'll make a connected series that includes noir's actual comic continuity and not just vaguely referencing it.

I was vaguely trying to include noirs comics but there’s like so little I can find on him that I can comfortably consume(I have a thing about watching videos and it seems like a majority of content I can find about him is video) that I’ve decided to be vague about it and do whatever from here on out.

In the event I obtain the omnibus or whatever it is that has like all the comics he appears in, I will absolutely make like an alternate series that splits off sometime around now in the BS timeline in order to work with his comic continuity

how do we feel about hobie btw? did i do shit? hopefully not.

How did I do. Please someone drop a tutorial on how to understand writing hobie. Or how to write his accent like I did some digging and found some stuff but it’s all kind of surface level.

anyways remember how its canon to BS that theres just a team of spiderpeople dedicated to writing a newsletter about him. that noir does not know about.

You guys prefer angst about invaded privacy or outsiders pov crack because I’m down for either.

(platonically shakes your hands)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this all or even briefly skim it because my heart and soul is being poured into this whole thing and like there are some very personal feelings and aspects of my identity that I include in writing BS

I am so deeply appreciative of you all and I need to express that, thank you all so much

#that last part of my analysis comes off as if I’m ending BS #I’m not ending it dw #just had to clarify #also if you have any questions I’m dying for any excuse to talk more #itsv noir #atsv hobie #spiderverse punknoir #punknoir #punknoir fanfic #noirpunk spiderverse #noirpunk #noirpunk fanfic #nhiwrotehere #nhiyells #spiderverse fanfic #fanfiction #ao3 link

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runawaymun · 1 year

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“I’m extremely fond of Elrond in all sorts of relationships and various constellations and polycules” can you give some examples? Excluding ROP Elrond bc I’m not that interested in him (respectfully, still think he’s lovely)

Hello hello! 💕 thank you for giving me an opportunity to ramble about some more brainrot!

So excluding Rings of Power, here’s some fav polycules:

S-tier: Celrondir — Celebrían/Elrond/Lindir (hobbit films) I’m really fond of the Elrondir ship but I can never justify setting Elrond up with someone and not involving Celebrían, so in my head Lindir got a crush on Elrond, Elrond got a crush on Lindir, and meanwhile Cel was in the background also mildly attracted to Lindir (but mostly they’re just besties) & she was like ‘ok now kiss’. Bonus points if they eventually all get married to each other — peak sweet anxious wreck Lindir getting doted on by Cel & Elrond, but also Lindir and Elrond mutually sitting there fawning over their hot wife. Meanwhile Celebrían has this lil harem of husbands who adore her (and she and Lindir gossip about Elrond like girls at a sleepover). I just love them your honor.

S-tier - QPR Celrondgalad - I’m very much of the opinion that Elrond and Gil had some mutual devotion/fealty queerplatonic intense thing going on in the second age. Absolute platonic soulmates (who occasionally had sex). Celebrían and Gil were best buddies & like literally nobody was a bigger Celrond shipper than Gil. He loved seeing how happy they made each other 😭💕 and like Elrond and Celebrían didn’t really get a chance to talk about this because of Gil’s fate, but Elrond got this impression that he needed to break off the QPR thing with Gil, meanwhile Cel was like “what we have and what you two have are two completely different things and not mutually exclusive”. So at some point they did end up talking about this and once Elrond sails and reunites with both of them, it’s very much a “hi this is my husband and this is my best friend who’s my husband’s boyfriend” and I love them for that

A-tier - Celrondgalad 🤝 Celrondir - in a Celrondir verse, Lindir sails with Elrond to reunite with Cel and then also gets the shock of his life getting invited into a four-person polycule with the High King(tm) and is extremely embarrassed and worked up about this. I can’t really see Lindir and Gil being a thing except for besties who bond over their adoration for Elrond.

B-tier (fun to think about sometimes but mostly as a joke) - Celronduil and Celronduil 🤝 Celrondir - Celebrían and Thranduil tell Elrond to get in the car, loser, we’re going shopping. Weird on the surface but the more you think about the more entertaining the dynamics get. Especially if you toss Lindir in for fun because he is but one poor wet pathetic meow meow in a polycule of extremely strong personalities. It amuses me so I daydream about it often.

Basically all of these naturally revolve around Celrond, because I headcannon that Elrond just wasn’t really interested in romantic relationships very much prior to meeting Celebrían (except now I have a Celebrimbor brain worm that is changing that…), and Celrond is so endgame to me that all of my polycules are born out of me trying to reconcile my other pet Elrond ships without having to wave away my OTP 😂 plus it just makes sense. Elrond has so much love to give and I feel like he deserves a polycule. As a treat.

#elrond #celrond #celrondgalad #celronduil #Celrondir #out of uniform

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 1 year

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hello! this might be a bit incomprehensible so i apologize lol

so, for starters, i’m grayro ace. not super important for the story, but i thought i’d mention it. basically, i’ve wanted to form a queerplatonic relationship with my best friend for a little bit now, but i have no clue how to bring it up or if i even SHOULD bring it up.

for context, i’ve known them for about 8 months now, and they have quickly become one of my closest and dearest friends. but suddenly one day i had this desire to be in a QPR with them. this is a feeling that i’ve never had before, but i could tell that’s what i wanted. i just really want to cuddle, and hold their hand, and hug, and be close to them all the time. the issue is, they’re monogamous and in a romantic relationship currently.

now, i know they’re on the aro spectrum, and that they’ve heard of QPRs, but i feel like their current relationship makes it so they wouldn’t want one. part of my brain says it’s fine, but part of it says not to. it’s very confusing and i’m not sure what to do. i’m not sure what’s considered appropriate when it comes to these feelings, since i’ve never really felt something like this before.

now, i feel like it’s also important to note that recently we’ve sorta become more intimate. we do occasionally hug now, and we semi-cuddled once recently. and when we hang out, we’re very close. (maybe i’m already in a QPR and don’t know it lol)

i guess i’m wondering what i should do with these feelings. should i ignore it and move on? should i talk to them about this? and if so, how is the best way to confess this sort of thing? this is all very new to me.

hopefully this made some sort of sense. thanks in advance!

Yeah, these situations can definitely be complicated to navigate. Different people in monogamous relationships feel differently about having both a romantic and qp partner at the same time, or having a romantic partner who also has qp partner. If this is something you really want to go for, I would take things slow and try not to have any expectations. Maybe just gauge their feelings on it and see how they feel about QPRs, or how their partner does, and if they see that as OK in their relationship or not. If they are interested you can see where that goes.

On the other side of things if you are happy with the relationship in everything but how it's defined, maybe you are happy to keep things as they are for now. Asking them about a QPR is a a bit risky because there's always the potential to complicate things and things being a bit unpredictable. So it's up to you to decide how important it is for you to try for a QPR. You can also take some time to think about it, it's possible you may feel more or less strongly about this as time goes on.

I don't think there's a right or wrong choice to make here other than what feels right or wrong to you. Just make sure you're being respectful of the relationship your friend already has (which it sounds like you are), and I think you're alright.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

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diamond-vic · 2 years

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Nobody asked but I can’t get this show and this particular idea out of my head so maybe typing it out and sending it into the void will help

Future Sashannarcy headcanons where they’re all in a complicated QPR (and everyone is ace because I can’t not see every character as ace. Fight me right now)

Sasha is biromantic. This is confirmed canon in the finale of course, but beyond that, one of Anne’s friends has got to have dated pre-Amphibia, since Anne mentions having broken up for others before… and Sasha’s song heartstomper heavily implies that someone would be Sasha. I feel like she could even be demiro too, since all those relationships seemingly went nowhere. I can picture adult Sasha struggling to date because she’s craving that attachment that she just doesn’t have with a new partner she’s just met on a date. It would feel shallow and lacking the warmth she really wants, and they’d go nowhere for the longest time. When she reconnects with the other two girls in person, she finds that deep bond is still there with them, and that’s how she falls

Marcy is quoiromantic; she can’t really tell whether she feels romantic attraction or not. I can’t see Marcy dating (successfully, and in a genuine way where she isn’t forcing herself into a situation) in middle school, or even beyond, whatsoever. Her fixation with fantasy and games along with her general tendency to be overbearing would perhaps (unfortunately) keep others away when she’s younger, and additionally Marcy has never felt the need to branch out beyond Anne and Sasha, to me suggesting that she felt fulfilled with just them. Marcy also hadn’t shown the best handling of her feelings and reactions to them during the show, I feel like even as an adult (maybe especially as an adult what with trauma from Amphibia haha) Marcy would struggle to sort of untangle her emotions and figure out what they mean and how she can let those feelings interact with the world in a positive way. The distinction of what’s romantic and what’s platonic would sort of just blur for her into this sense of strong fondness and attachment (maybe she would eventually determine that her feelings are queerplatonic once she gets past the internalized idea that this strong attachment can, in fact, be not romantic in nature! And so go on to identify as aroace)

Anne is a lesbian-oriented aroace. Anne has read to me as aroace for the entire series, personally. Everytime she sees and interacts with romantic relationships seems to me from a complete outsider’s perspective, and lack of understanding of what it’s even about. When she’s trying to set up Sprig and Ivy, she refers entirely to a literal magazine for her information on how dating works. She has been designated the one to break off relationships for others multiple times on earth, enough where she is known for doing this. She’s probably super straight to the point and blunt with them cause she doesn’t see what the big deal of just saying what that truth is, and being done with it. And with how she gets immensely uncomfortable when Hoppop begins lecturing her on relationships (which I related SO HARD with) and assuming that she must already have a partner, I think she feels like someone fascinated by the idea of romance, but when the conventional idea is applied to her, she recoils from it. Anne’s friends are consistently her entire world, her love isn’t any less just because it isn’t romantic

The three of them after reconnecting would have all these complicated emotions after a while and eventually sit down and talk about it, ending up in a QPR with boundaries set up where they need to be for everyone to feel comfortable. Marcy and Anne are ok with Sasha feeling romantically towards them, even if Anne doesn’t reciprocate in that way and Marcy still really can’t tell how she feels for the two of them. I can see all of them being very physically affectionate, liking to just be physically close and cuddle. But they would have minor boundaries that differentiate the actions between them in slight ways. For example, Anne would set up a boundary against Sasha for mouth kissing, personally finding that uncomfortable, but she would be fine with affectionate kisses to the forehead or cheek. Their relationship is flavored a bit different between them, but there is so so much love, and they all understand that the others aren’t trying to con them or berate them for feeling a bit different in what their relationship entails to each other. And does it really matter when they’re all together and it feels so right??

This was so incoherent but this idea has been living rent free in my head the past couple days and once again, as an aroace person, I feel like walking that line between what’s romantic and what’s not is so important and can be so fulfilling and sweet. It’s not seen enough

#amphibia #amphibia spoilers #sashannarcy #sashanarcy #anne boonchuy #sasha waybright #marcy wu #aroace Anne is my life tbh #part of why this idea is so buzzy in my brain

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ina-nis · 1 year

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(Sighs) This kind of thing is so conflicting for me... As someone who is queer and aspec myself, I grew up dealing with amatonormativity everywhere, and the things it enforces in regards to relationships.

I try to be always open-minded and listen to different perspectives. I’m friends with different people, many who are polyamorous, and/or view relationships in ways that break with amatonormativity. Of course, these friendships are just superficial (and online) for me, and I purposely keep people away for all the reasons I’ve been discussing in this blog for so, so long.

It made me question whether or not polyamory is for me, for example.

I’m a person who falls in love easily, with anyone. I can fall in love with several people at the same time, too. But reading about it, and seeing how, for some people, it’s less a matter of being poly X mono, and more a matter of “do I have the emotional energy for more than 1 relationship?”, “do I have the spoons to juggle several connections with different people?”, “can I nurture and maintain all these relationships?”, among other questions and the answers I arrived to were all similar: my own life is already a handful, I already spend a lot of time trying to keep my head above water. I do not think I’d be able to sustain more than one relationship at a time.

Another thing that bothers me is that, in therapy, whenever I brought up romantic relationships and what I would want from them and think would suit me, somehow it sounded like I was “looking for a parental figure” or that I was implying that I wanted to establish a co-dependent relationship with another person. Even when I always made it very clear that I will prioritize my life and myself first and foremost, then others; and I would like for my partner to prioritize their own life first and foremost too.

I think one of the big issues is how my trauma (and mental illnesses in general) skew the way I view relationships.

So I’ll see things like that post and immediately get defensive, because “breaking” relationship norms feel unsafe for me. It’s not me disliking, condemning or judging people who do these things; it’s how me, seeing things that I consider special and important, becoming trivialized and common, and how it feels unsafe.

Amatonormativity says that romance is the most important thing in the world, and that people should prioritize their partners and a bunch of other nonsensical things, that trap people in abusive and unhealthy relationships. It exists in insidious ways, when loveless aromantics are considered a danger to people for wanting to and liking to have sex without strings attached; when asexual people can have happy and healthy marriages without sex but they’re somehow subjecting their partners for abuse by withholding such “important” part of a relationship; when people in queerplatonic and/or polyamorous relationships do not get the same rights as people in monogamous romantic relationships; and so on...

And people are right to complain and wanting out of this system.

Some things about the other side, that I see people proposing, don’t feel safe to me either...

It tells me that it’s ok for me to be single. That I should work to better my own life and find happinesses elsewhere (even if being single is causing me so much distress). It tells me that my desire for a closed, committed relationship where I prioritize and feel prioritized is toxic and abusive (even when I feel like the alternatives are unsafe for me, and I make it very clear that I will preserve my own individuality and other people’s). It tells me that the fact that I wouldn’t be able to commit to more than one person and that I will prioritize my romantic relationship over friendships, makes me a bad person and a bad friend (even when maintaining any relationship is extremely exhausting to me). It tells me that it’s my fault that I’m single because if I can’t abide by a new ruleset, or lack of thereof, that means I’m in the wrong (and it doesn’t take into consideration my mental health or history with trauma).

...

I went through the replies and reblogs from that post and most people are on the aro and/or ace umbrella, so I can at least imagine how living in a world where romance is put on a pedestal is like... really, really bad. That’s how I feel about many sex-related things in society, as someone on the asexual spectrum.

To me, one of the possible solutions would be to give space for all kinds of relationships and dynamics to exist. And extend legal protections to them, among other things.

Personally, I do not think I’ll be able to thrive in a non-hierarchical polyamorous or in a queerplatonic partnership, I don’t think I’d be able to thrive having many friendships either. I have other needs and priorities. I’d rather have a small circle of people in my life, and a closed committed relationship with one person, whom I would be able to prioritize and dedicate a good chunk of my time and energy to nurture a good relationship with. My partner will be my best friend and I think that’s what would be good for me. I will feel safe and trust that this is a connection that will last a long time, because I like, want and need stability in my life. I will not have any friendships to mourn because I’m ok with not having many deep, close friendships.

And all this is not because not because I’m falling for the “relationship escalator” from amatonormativity or any of its other influences/demands, but because I require certain accommodations due to my mental illnesses and trauma. And because I know what would work best for me, personally.

As someone (the only person actually!) wrote well in the tags of that post:

#Yeah I was gonna say like #i know it’s annoying af when you feel like you’re loosing friends to the honey-moon-phase/young love relationships #where ppl in them Only have eyes for the other person and u feel expendable #but once you reach adulthood I guarantee 90% of it is bc ppl are basically FORCED to prioritize the person they’re building a life with #like regardless of if it’s romantic or a qpr or whatever. a partnership takes a LOT of work and a LOT of time #trying to sync up your life with someone and maintaining a relationship with that level of involvement is not a casual matter #so I absolutely can’t find myself blaming friends for the loss of our friendship when western society and capitalism #smothers every ounce of personal time and then solely encourages/rewards the remainder of whatever time they have left #be spent with their life partner #if your time is so severely choked by capitalism then of COURSE you’re gonna prioritize the one whose strength determines the stability o f#your life #of COURSE you’re gonna choose to dedicate that time to the person who’s most accessible because you don’t have the energy or the scheduling #to socialize outside of work or home life #i think it’s important to let ourselves mourn the loss of relationships to amatonormivity but in doing so I think we also need #to be kind to each other and realize that the issue is not only societal but systemic as well #i promise you that humanity is social to its core and most of us don’t want to relinquish friendships in favor for the nuclear model #we want friends we want acquaintances and mentors and partnership and community #but we’re forced to pick the one that capitalism can benefit best from #queer stuff

Capitalism aside - and it is such a huge problem in the matters of relationships, to start and maintain them - there’s nothing wrong in wanting to prioritize people who are closest to you, and not being able to deepen all other relationships. There’s just so much one person can do and, believe me, when you deal with mental and chronic illnesses it becomes much, much harder to do pretty much anything.

Call me toxic, abusive or a bad friend for wanting what I want, but give me an alternative then. Something that would work for me. I’m already in therapy and going through all kinds of treatments I could find and afford.

I don’t complain about people having their own relationships and lives to prioritize. It’s possible to find people like you, who are more compatible for you and your relationship needs. There’s many different people. There’s many different relationships. There’s no right or wrong way to connect with others I guess.

Ps.: I have no issue with any individual or community. I believe the queer community will only truly thrive when everyone start working together, that includes aro, ace, aroace, polyam people and anyone under those spectrums. I speak for no one but myself. If something I say is out of place, I welcome people to correct me in good faith.

#inanis post

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ao3feed-hitoshi-shinsou · 2 years

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Six Feet Under the Stars

Six Feet Under The Stars by queerkyu

‘At least tell us how you met? You mentioned going to the same school, but Hitoshi doesn't seem the type to be open to friends in middle school.’ Hitoshi can't help the cackle that slips out at the question and immediately leans forward.

‘Wait, no! Toshi, don't do it!’ Izuku tries to cut in, leaning forward to pull Hitoshi back into the couch and attempting to slap a hand over his mouth. ‘Ew, what the fuck! Did you just lick me?’

Hitoshi doesn't justify him with an answer, instead smirking at Neito, Shouto and Fumikage as they lean forward in anticipation. ‘Ok so. Zuku thought I was dead.’ Neito blanches.

‘He thought you were dead!?’ - Izuku isn't the most popular person out there, that's a given. Considering the fact that he spends most of his spare time in graveyards, finding dead bodies and knowing more about certain people than any normal person should know, he actually think's he's doing pretty well on the friends front. I mean sure, they're all dead. But that's all relative. He's plenty popular amongst the Ghosts that seek his help, and that's all he needs. Isn't it?

First order of business; getting into Yuuei. Everything else (the friendship shit) can be handled after.

Words: 541, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Series: Part 1 of Misguided Ghosts

Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M, Multi, F/F

Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Shinsou Hitoshi, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Midoriya Inko, Monoma Neito, Todoroki Shouto, Tokoyami Fumikage, Class 1-A, Dabi | Todoroki Touya, Shirakumo Oboro, Shimura Nana, Kayama Nemuri | Midnight, Iida Tensei | Ingenium, Nedzu, U.A. Faculty, U.A. Students

Relationships: Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto, Kaminari Denki/Shinsou Hitoshi, Jirou Kyouka/Yaoyorozu Momo, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Midoriya Izuku & Shinsou Hitoshi, Midoriya Izuku & Tokoyami Fumikage, Midoriya Izuku & Monoma Neito, Midoriya Izuku & Todoroki Shouto, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Midoriya Izuku, Midoriya Izuku & Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Midoriya Inko & Midoriya Izuku, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Shinsou Hitoshi, Shinsou Hitoshi & Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Shirakumo Oboro & Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Shirakumo Oboro, Shirakumo Oboro & Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Aizawa Shouta & Iida Tensei & Kayama Nemuri & Yamada Hizashi

Additional Tags: Midoriya Izuku Sees Ghosts, Midoriya Izuku Has a Quirk, Midoriya Izuku Does Not Have One for All Quirk, Dabi is a Todoroki, Dabi | Todoroki Touya is Not a Villain, Dabi | Todoroki Touya is a Little Shit, Shirakumo Oboro is a Ray of Sunshine, Dead Shirakumo Oboro, Dead Dabi | Todoroki Touya, Shirakumo Oboro is a Good Friend, Dead Shimura Nana, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead is a Good Teacher, Protective Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Parental Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Protective Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Parental Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Midoriya Izuku & Shinsou Hitoshi Friendship, Midoriya Izuku & Shinsou Hitoshi are Best Friends, Midoriya Izuku & Monoma Neito Friendship, Midoriya Izuku & Tokoyami Fumikage Friendship, Monoma Neito is in Class 1-A, Monoma Neito is a Good Friend, Monoma Neito is a Little Shit, Quirk Discrimination, 'Villainous' Quirk Squad, Supportive Midoriya Inko, Good Parent Midoriya Inko, Dead Midoriya Inko, Sorry I had to do it for plot reasons rip, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead and Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic Adopt Shinsou Hitoshi, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead and Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic Adopt Midoriya Izuku, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead and Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic Adopt Eri, Midoriya Izuku and Shinsou Hitoshi Are Siblings, Queerplatonic Midoriya Izuku/Monoma Neito, BAMF Midoriya Izuku, no beta we die like nighteye, Toga Himiko Redemption, Toga Himiko is Not a Villain, Toga Himiko Needs a Hug

Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39480294

#AO3 Feed #FanFiction #AO3 Shinkami #♡#Shinkami #Tododeku·#Aizawa Shouta #Yamada Hizashi #⚣#R:G #A:Queerkyu #Quirk AU #Dadzawa #Dad Mic #Ghost AU

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ao3feed-tododeku · 2 years

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Six Feet Under the Stars

Six Feet Under The Stars by queerkyu

Hitoshi doesn't justify him with an answer, instead smirking at Neito, Shouto and Fumikage as they lean forward in anticipation. ‘Ok so. Zuku thought I was dead.’ Neito blanches.

First order of business; getting into Yuuei. Everything else (the friendship shit) can be handled after.

Words: 541, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Series: Part 1 of Misguided Ghosts

Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M, Multi, F/F

Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39480294

#AO3 Feed #FanFiction #AO3 Tododeku #💚#💙#Tododeku #Shinkami·#♥#R:G #A:Queerkyu #Quirk AU #Dadzawa #Ghost AU

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shittyunrequitedlove · 3 months

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I feel sick

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I really figured I was done with this blog. I just haven’t felt the specific sort of emotions that leads to a need to write anonymous amateur poetry in ages. Even the situation that’s got me here now is completely different.

But I guess it can’t truly be that different.

I love my best friend.

Not romantically. But still.

I love her more than anyone in my life. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone. And she isn’t asexual. She has a partner. She lives in a different state. I only get to see her a few times a year. And I love her so much it’s killing me.

I was fine until a month and a half ago.

I missed her, and I loved her, and that was it. Seeing her in person was warm and fuzzy and lovely, the gap in between visits was sad but expected. Bearable. It’s been 7 years since we lived in the same place.

Then a friend of mine said we had “queerplatonic partner vibes,” and my entire world came tumbling down.

It’s not like I didn’t KNOW about qprs. I’m an asexual on tumblr. The idea of being in a qpr has been a sort of nebulously aspirational idea for years, even though I never pictured myself in one. I especially never pictured myself in one with her.

Until my friend said something. Now it’s all I can picture.

I love her. I love her so much. And I don’t know what to do with it now, because now I want a definition that I don’t know she’ll be able to provide. I want my friendship with her to be marked out as different. As special. For me to have assurance that I’m as unique to her as she is to me.

She has a partner!!! She has someone who she’s picking as her person!! They’re moving in together soon! Her partner is lovely! Her partner could damn well be her soulmate! How can I try and stick myself into that?

How can I ask her to mark me out as special?

I feel sick.

Is this angst actually heartbreak? Am I killing myself to avoid the conversation in which she could kill me instead?

She’s always had more friends than me. What if she just loves me a normal amount? What if she’s ok with the distance? What if the time apart has tempered her emotions, and she’s gotten used to seeing me only 4 times a year? Will this feeling ease up if I know those things for sure? Or will it just hurt all anew to have them confirmed?

I want freedom from this. I’m ready to rend out my soul and give it to her wrapped with a bow. What I wouldn’t give to just get to live under her floorboards. I always thought I’d be safe from this particular affliction.

So what do I do?

#emotions #platonic love #unrequited love #if my friend hadn’t said anything I would still be fine right now #ignorance really is bliss #gay

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yeeiguess · 2 years

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✍, 🎢, ✨, 🎶, 🍦, 💖, 💌, ✅ and ✅

(Ok, this is... a lot, so you can pick and choose the ones you wanna answer to lmao! I'm just really interested in your answers ^^)

✍️ do you have a beta reader ?

I don’t ! My sister used to be my beta reader when I still wrote in french, but now I just reread myself about thirty times before posting and hope for the best.

🎢 Which of your fic would you call your wildest ride ?

Maybe Mw(bikyu), because it started with a tumbler suggestion and I ran with it XD one of my few long fics, and it took me a while to write so I’m proud of it.

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go one now. You know you deserve it 😉

I like to read my old fanfics, the first I wrote in English, and see the progress :) I quite like my writing style !

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write ? What song have you been playing on loop lately ?

I listen to music all the time !! I have playlists and songs dedicated to a few fics, so I listen to those when writing. I’ve been listening to Jackson Wang lately !

🍦 What’s the sweetest fic you’ve created so far ?

This one is hard ! I tend to write fluff, so most of my fics are sweet. I want to say Mw(bikyu) again, or maybe those from the Aro/Ace Haikyuu Fanfics series, just because they’re about discovering yourself, acceptance etc.

💖 What made you start writing ?

My sister ! She introduced me to the wonderful world of fanfiction, and she used to write a lot, both fanfics and original works. My first fanfic was a present for her birthday, actually !

💌 How do you feel about comments and feedback ?

I love them !!! I don’t always know what to say except thank you, but they mean a lot. I like long comments about specific stuff, and knowing I helped someone understand themselves better, or gave someone representation.

I do kind of struggle with feedback in the sense that if I have a beta and they tell me what they think of the story on top of correcting it, I tend to take it to heart and it hurts a bit. I always need some time to find the courage to read what they said (probably the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria from ADHA)

✅ What’s something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don’t mean to ?

Honestly, trans/non-binary characters XD I always end up with some genderfun characters whether I intend to or not ! I don’t know what being cis is like, so I can’t seem to write it. In the same way, I can’t write all-out romances anymore and it always ends up in some sort of queerplatonic relationship.

Thank you for the ask !!! It was fun to do, I loved it ! Bonne nuit ^^

#and thanks for answering my ask ^^#c’est cool j’aime bien ces trucs là #les ask games #i wanted to wait until tomorrow to answer but I got too excited and now it’s pas midnight-#fanfiction writer #ask

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hawks-lightbulb · 3 years

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Ooooh I’m thinking about a mental link au👀

#between megumi and yuji #they’re hit with a curse that connects their minds #and they’re both working to keep sukuna away from megumi #and sukuna being morally grey #nothing romantic about it ok this is about the dynamic between them all #and the idea of being KNOWN #maybe some queerplatonicness between megumi and yuji. perhaps #but along the lines of yuji seeing himself threw megumi’s eyes #and how powerful he can be and realizing that he is sunshine incarnate #and megumi #MEGUMI MY BOY. YUJI’S PERSPECTIVE BOUT TO HELP U WITH THOSE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES MY LAD #don’t think I didn’t notice I’ve been doing this long enough #jujutsu kaisen #y’all don’t understand this is a twig snap away from me writing all 50K of this idea #ideas #and who knows maybe I’ll write up a background and motivation for sukuna about how he ended up being the curse king #but I have yet to see that from the source material and I gotta KNOW #after that one line in episode 4 where sukuna (against the special grade) is like #‘neither of your brats (the special grade or yuji) understand what curses actually are.’#VVVVVVVR

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aimlesswalker · 3 years

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Being autistic and having adhd really fucks with my sense of attraction. I’ve realized I don’t/rarely experience sexual attraction for uhh a decade now? I’ve realized I don’t experience romantic attraction for three years now. And I’m starting to realize I don’t experience platonic attraction either. I just... I don’t feel ~drawn~ to people. People approach me and if the vibes are right then maybe we’ll spend more time together. I don’t care enough to pursue anyone, to be the active pursuer. Ever. I don’t think of people when they’re not around. I only seem to make friends when someone chases after me or if they’re people I spend time doing things with regularly (like a club).

Part of my experience of being autistic is feeling disconnected from the rest of the world. People connect in ways I can’t seem to understand, there’s so many social rules I can’t seem to understand. Even with the people I get along with, even with the friends I make, I feel like an outsider. I feel hollow compared to everyone smiling and getting along so easily. I feel alien, like a glitch, like something that isn’t supposed to exist. I don’t really know how to make friends. (And this isn’t just a lack of social skills or whatever, it’s about the lack of platonic attraction and about neurodivergent brains being different) I don’t know what brings two people together. I don’t know what to do with other people if it’s not some pre-agreed upon activity. I don’t know how to be the pursuer because I think about that person in particular and all I can conjure up is a “meh?” feeling. There’s no real motivation to get to know them further unless they’ve already pursued me and I’ve formed some sort of attachment and found out that I enjoy their company. And even then... I can never point to any specific thing about a person other than “they were there?” or I enjoy doing X with them. Even then, if the person is pursuing me too strongly, if they’re more attached than I am, I feel put-off, repulsed.

And I know a lot of that repulsion is rooted in relationship trauma, in this codependent relationship I had where I felt trapped and confined. I overcompensated by being as independent as possible. I don’t want anyone to rely on me, to need me. That feels bad. I don’t want to be the linchpin that someone else’s emotional health rests upon. I also feel uncomfortable in a relationship where our feelings are mismatched because the other person usually places all these expectations on me that I find suffocating. This is especially the case for romantic relationships. They always expect so much, they expect me to feel and act a certain way and make me feel guilty for not being romantically attracted to them. It’s repulsive.

I don’t even experience familial bonds. I don’t know what that’s supposed to feel like. My blood family are just people in my life. I know them, I know I’m supposed to feel something for them, but the spot where I’m supposed to find that is just… hollow? (Does that make me a monster) Like I don’t hate my parents, I appreciate all that they do for me, I respect that they care for me and I set aside time to have dinner with them, but? I don’t even have a real concept of “found family”. They’re familial bonds to people who aren’t your blood relatives, but what does that feel like? It’s not platonic, it’s not romantic, it’s not alterous, it’s something else completely. But I struggle to word exactly how it’s different. I’m just… not sure I feel familial attachment in the way most other people seem to.

And yet? I still experience “love”. It’s not what people usually think of when they hear the word, but I bond deeply to a few rare people and I enjoy expressing my affection towards them via physical touch and/or sex. I don’t care if I’m “not allowed” to call it love bc it’s so different, bc it’s not based on attraction. I’m lovequeer so fuck you.

So if it’s not based on attraction, then why do I form bonds with people? I still want friends. I want people to talk about things with! Whether that’s my day, something that’s bothering me, a morality/ethical question, current events, fandom, etc. I want interesting conversations with interesting people. I want people to do the activities I like with- like going to museums or playing board games or swing dancing. I want people to cuddle with and have sex with. Because all of those things are fun! Those things bring enjoyment to life. I also want people I can ask for help or advice from because I can’t do everything on my own. I like seeking outside perspectives to grow as a person. I like people who can challenge me and help me be better, who I can grow alongside of.

Which is a lot of why I don’t generally enjoy surface level relationships- because I don’t know how to act in them. I like a lot of emotional intimacy in my relationships! That’s the lifeblood of any connection I form. What’s the point if it’s not there? What’s driving me to seek out this person without it? I usually call the desire for emotional intimacy “alterous attraction”, but I don’t experience this often. While I like emotional intimacy with people as a general thing, I rarely experience the desire for it from a specific person.

Which often throws me to the outskirts of society, not being able to form those sorts of bonds with other people, like coworkers or peers or mentors or anything. I end up not having people to rely upon, which is a key part of humanity (being able to depend on others, we’re typically a social species) but also the way society is set up. Due to amatonormativity, society is not set up for someone to be alone; everything is set up for a set of partners or a nuclear family. There’s also no support systems for those who need it, like financial aid or disability aid or food stamps. They’re set up to be as difficult as possible to obtain. You’re expected to have other people in your life you can rely on. But I don’t.

It’s part that I struggle to bond with people, part not feeling platonic attraction, but also part I don’t mind being alone. I’ve always been alone. I have plenty of things to enrich my life. I don’t see the point in talking to people, in making friends if they’re not going to be people I can get close to. I’m struggling to put that into words. But I was always the quiet kid. And I used to be ashamed of that, because society shames people for being “weird” or being “outcasts” for not having friends. But that’s just part of who I am. I prefer listening to what’s going on around me, I don’t care to join in other than for the shame of being excluded. Or is that what I tell myself to make being alone and disconnected from the entire world feel more palatable?

Because, while I struggle to form bonds and am generally ok alone, I crave community, I crave emotionally intimate relationships. I don’t want romance because of the repulsion, so that ends up being a craving for friends (because society has a fucked up binary of friends or romantic partner). And I vibe with all those posts by aros talking about how deep and important friendship can be. I vibe with those posts talking about a (queer)platonic polycule. I like the sound of those things. In theory. But the only close bonds I seem to be able to form are alterous ones. Not queerplatonic, not deeper than is considered socially acceptable for platonic relationships, but alterous ones! Not platonic, alterous. But where else am I going to find aromantic and aplatonic people that aren’t nonamorous or non-partnering? Will I always have to sacrifice and subdue the parts of me that are repulsed by getting close to people?

#aplatonic #greyplatonic #aromantic #amatonormativity #actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd #actuallynd #send help #idk my head is full of jelly #this probably isn't eloquent at all

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