When you blink awake, the first thing you notice is his light: on. Again.
It’s spilling from the cracks of his office door, and although it wouldn’t usually be so noticeable, it is now, especially because the golden warmth of his candlelight so contrasts the chill of silver moonlight that floods his room—your room.
You’re already pulling the thin blanket off yourself as you wonder, How long has he been awake? Has he been drinking water? Has he eaten? How much work has he been given this time?
After a few moments of stumbling your way towards his door, you manage to clasp the brass handle. With a twist and push, there he is: your lover, nodding off over a stack of reports.
You’re squinting a little bit as you move towards him, a hand up in front of your eyes to ease the adjustment from near-total darkness to a well lit room. He hears you, you know, because the moment you’re within arm’s reach he twists in his chair to face the side.
You step forward one more time, now close enough to see the drooping eyelids of your barely-awake lover as he looks up at you, before you finally speak.
“Cyno,” you say softly, “come to bed. How long’ve you been working, lovely?”
“As soon as I finish this,” he mumbles, trying to blink the sleep from his eyes. He ignores your last question—well, ignores or he just hasn’t heard it at all. Your lips pull into a frown again.
“Your paperwork isn’t going anywhere, you know.” You reach forward and cup his face, thumb rubbing back and forth on his cheek. Cyno turns and presses a kiss to your palm, eyes half-lidded with exhaustion.
“The paperwork won’t, but they—the people that—the—”
“The rule breakers? The plagiarizers?”
“Yes.” He sighs, leaning further into your hand. You shake your head and watch as he tries to keep awake. “Them. Those people. Those… those scoundrels.”
Despite your best efforts, you huff a laugh. “Scoundrels? You’re sounding a lot like that old lady back at the market now, Cyno.” He sighs again when you brush the hair from his face; you tuck it behind his ear with a feather-light touch. “Look, see? Maybe you’re a changeling, lovely. You really are turning into her. You’ve got the hair to match, too.”
“M’not old,” he grumbles. “You are.”
“Never called you old.”
“Shuddup.”
Your grin fades into a small smile when he sinks even further into you; you’ve moved to stand between his legs so he doesn’t fall flat on his office floor. Hands having left their places on his cheeks, now they card through his hair, pushing it from his face as he rests his head against your stomach.
“Cyno,” you say gently, “come to bed.”
You just barely manage to make out the words he says into your stomach: “Jus’ one… one more. One last.”
“You can barely keep awake, lovely.”
Cyno shakes his head weakly. You narrow your eyes. His actions don’t seem to match up with his words: even as he says he doesn’t want to, he nuzzles into the warmth of your body, fingers tracing circles on your knees.
When your hands still in his hair, he whines.
“In the morning, who do you think’s gonna have to deal with all the little mistakes on your reports just because you chose to keep pushing yourself?” He mumbles something against you that, this time, you can’t quite make out. Either way, you say, “That’s right, lovely. It’ll be you.”
You start running your fingers through his hair again, and now Cyno melts, giving in. His entire upper body’s slumped against you and so, afraid of him falling asleep on you completely, you push him back gently and pull a hand from his hair to cradle his jaw, tilting his head upwards a little so he can look at you properly.
“So, what about now?” you hum. Your lover blinks up at you, sleepy-eyed. “You feel like coming to bed?”
A moment before Cyno murmurs, “M’kay.”
You smile, thumbing his cheek again. “M’kay. D’you mind standing up for me then, lovely? Just ’til we get to the bed.”
He answers with a push of his body away from yours, hands braced on the edge of his work desk so he can stand properly like you’ve asked him to. Your arms hover over his sides, at which he sends you a look.
“M’not that sleepy,” are the words that accompany said look, which make you raise your eyebrows.
“Sure, lovely,” you say, guiding him towards the door, hands hovering over his sides. Like you only a few minutes ago, he stumbles his way into your bedroom. Two or three times you have to steady him by the shoulders because he keeps tripping over his own feet.
Finally, you reach the bed. Cyno crashes into it, letting out a satisfied hum as the comfort wraps ’round his aching body. You smile, climb in after him, and pull the blanket over you both.
It’s immediate, the way he reaches for you. Cyno’s weight drapes over your body, and at last, your lover settles against you, face tucked into the crook of your neck, arms wrapped fast around your waist. Your own hands have returned to his hair, nails scratching lightly at his scalp. You sigh when you feel him press his lips to your skin: once, twice, and a third time. I love you, these sleepy kisses mean. He does it again. I love you.
“Love you too, Cyno,” you mumble into his hair. “Sweet dreams, lovely.”
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what's your take on odasaku and dazai's idealization of him?
also any takes you want to share about bsd/bsd in general?
(If you don't mind, I'm also interested in your thoughts about verlaine if thats ok 😭) tyty
who's your fave bsd character and whose the character from bsd you want to have more screen time?
i think its another case of projecting onto someone and it fucking things up. like notably how kouyou projects her own feelings abt light & dark onto kyouka. we just dont often see it that way because what oda does is like. stereotypically good? he uses his dying words to push a friend out of the dark. a death motivating others to act and furthering their character development is classic storytelling. you go into bsd knowing dazai is on the "good guys" side (not that the ada are "bad" but obviously reading bsd as a good guys vs bad guys story is. wrong), so clearly it worked out. so you kind of overlook the surrounding events yk? plus dazais own idolization of oda hammers that in. dazai tells atsushi that "He was a friend of mine (...) He’s the reason I quit the Port Mafia and joined the
agency. I’d probably still be killing people for the mafia if it
wasn’t for him" in dead apple (the lightnovel. im not going to go through pulling up the movie for this fhfhtndj). and so aside from previous bias people are going to take what dazai says at face value. hes thankful oda showed him the "side that saves people" and of course we're going to agree with that. the thing is. again. projection. now i havent actually finished dark era (i am working through it) but a lot of the time it feels like oda is just shoveling off all his feelings about being "someone meant for the darkness" onto dazai when thats something thats not going to be true for. well. anyone really? and his final conversation with dazai is very influenced by that. he says "You told me if you put yourself in a world
of violence and bloodshed, you might be able to find a
reason to live... (...) You won’t find it (...) You should know that. Whether you’re on the side that
takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond
your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world
can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the
darkness for eternity". now the thing is this is kind of a fucked up thing to say to an 18 year old with suicidal tendencies, but odas view of dazai makes it seem like a well needed wake up call. he obviously had good intentions. hes trying to "step into that solitude" but because of his flawed view of dazai he kind of. stumbles. dazai up to this point has been clinging onto the hope that he'd find a reason to live by observing the entire human experience. now oda comes along and dazai thinks hes found someone who understands him better than anyone, and oda tells him hes not going to find that. ever. so he should become a better person and make the world a good place. and also he's dying. so dazai, as we've seen, takes these words to heart. so hes not going to find a reason to live but he should also make the world a better place. good cool got that. so i think he gets a bit too comfortable being collateral for a good cause. and hes already convinced hes not going to find anything here, so of course hes not going to find anything. does that make sense.
i dont think ive phrased anything correctly here but like anyway i think with all his other friends around he'll be able to sort things out there. i cant see bsd ending without any sort of resolution for him in this regard yk.
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