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#people always talk about how to deal with the sad part of mental illnesses but like

chrisevansonly · 6 months

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𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐅𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: charles leclerc x female reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: life is too heavy to carry, thankfully your boyfriend will carry it with you

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: talks of mental health and suicidal thoughts, mentions of depression, heavy topics so please read at your own discretion

𝐚/𝐧: i’ll be honest this is self indulgent and i know i said i wasn’t writing but idk i feel so low and thought writing about how im feeling might help? ive struggled with mental illness my whole life so i find writing it out in a way i can enjoy helps…i hope it helps others that are in need of it too<3

Life is painful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, it’s dark and gloomy, heavy and hard to carry, life is painful. Okay well maybe not for everyone but for you it was, and it was draining, exhausting really trying to survive each day instead of living like everyone else. Truth be told you’d struggled with mental illness for as long as you can remember. In high school the suicidal thoughts came into play and you had fallen into a place no one deserved to fall.

You’d hear people tell you to smile, cheer up, get outside and take in the fresh air, but they don’t understand. They don’t get the internal pain one feels when they deal with depression and anxiety, unless you live it: you don’t get it.

So yes, life was painful but there was an ounce of sunshine in your life and it came in the form of Charles, your boyfriend of exactly three years. The man who broke through the storm to bring you blue skies and calm waters, the man who held you tightly as you cried for a break, aching for a moment of peace within yourself. Charles was a gift, you were sure of it: he was too.

“my love…?”

His voice was soft, delicate as it filtered through the dark bedroom, eyes filled with concern as he looked at you huddled under the blankets, almost willing them to swallow you whole

“hmm?”

It might not have been a word but Charles would take it

“can I get you anything? do you need something?”

The room fell silent again except for the sound of covers shifting, your head peaking over the duvet

“y-you please”

Hearing your voice break was enough for Charles to promptly move from his place in the doorway, lifting up the covers on his side of the bed before settling down and pulling you into his side, letting you virtually melt against him

“okay, okay i’m here, it’s okay amour..”

“it-it hurts”

“i know baby, i know it does…but it will only hurt for a little, i promise you.”

You wanted to believe him, you really did, but how many years would you have to suffer before it truly felt like you would never know how to feel okay.

“it’s hard to be here”

Now this caught Charles attention right away, having known your past with depression and even suicidal thoughts, he felt his blood run cold at the thought of you being anywhere than right here with him

“listen to me baby, i know it hurts, i know it’s hard, but i promise you i will help you find your sunshine, i will help you find your happiness”

He paused shifting to rest a hand on your cheek, his thumb swiping at a stray tear on your cheek

“i love you with everything in me, and i will do whatever i can to help you through this, if you need me to carry more of the weight, let me, if you need a shoulder to lean on more than usual, do it. you are my entire world baby, i won’t ever leave you out in the dark to take this on all on your own..”

Letting out a soft sniffle you looked up at him, always appreciating just how much love he held for you in his eyes alone

“why, i-i’m so sad a-all the time”

“because i love you. it doesn’t matter if your angry, happy, sad it’s part of you, i love all of you no matter what, and i am not going anywhere”

Charles leaned forward, pressing his lips to your forehead letting you have a minute to just digest everything he was saying

“pinky promise?” you asked softly, holding your pinky finger out which brought a soft smile to his face

“pinky promise baby, always.”

Nothing else needed to be said as you curled yourself further into his side, his arms only tightening on you, as if to keep you from slipping away from him. Charles knew words only helped so much, but he was willing to do whatever it took to bring you blue skies back. Even if it took days or weeks, even months, Charles was going to be right beside you, every step of the way.

Life might be painful, but you never had to go through it alone again.

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skelliko · 6 months

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★- Tokyo revengers

-simply observing their depressed classmate

๑-featuring: kazutora, chifuyu, Baji

°- kazutora hanemiya

• half the time he forgets that your in his class

• though when he does notice you he feels as if on some levels he understands, that you both could understand each other if you just talked

• just two little lonely soles

• sure he doesn't know anything about you but part of him wants to believe he does

• it's the little habits you do occasionally that perks his interest a little

• your lack of reaction to some topics which he can respect since no one likes someone that overreacts

• your eyes that seem so tired yet full of everything, like they're hiding almost every damned thing beautifully. either by tears or dullness.

• and then there's your smile, tired eyes but with a bright smile that some may say is fake but really it's far from that, everyone can pull a genuine smile

• can tell if your resting face is genuinely sad or just cause you have a casual sad resting face when really your calm

• your bluntness to people you don't like can humour him a little though, he just loves that

• he'd always wonder what happened to you, why you tend to do this and that, family issues? own issues?

• he won't know unless if he asks but he knows boundaries and respect, heck if someone asked him why he's the way he is he'd probably bash their head in

• and even if he did ask and got an answer, what would he gain?

• secretly he has respect for you but at the same time gets a little jealous

• like how can you deal with that situation calmly despite everything and he can't? he'd be bitter sometimes but won't ever show or say it, apart from a little eyes roll when he looks away from you

°- chifuyu matsuno

• in his eyes, your dealing with everything and can't let go

• he knows he can't do anything and he won't, but part of him wants to so that's why he observes

• your good and bad habits

• he can tell if you feel fatigued from the way you hold your pen

• or maybe even a little sick as he sees your uneasy expression trying to contain any emotion you're holding in

• would carefully watch as he sees you take your third painkiller or ibuprofen in the past 2 hours

• but he'd also notice your smile and feel a little... relieved? given the fact that it's so clear that you have certain troubles when you smile he relaxed a little

• he'd hear you talk to your friends about a certain fixation you have and could sense your hyped energy. which in some way also makes him hyped up, over nothing.

• he'd wonder a bit about you when he's in class. just why? is there something that needs to be addressed? something you need to let out so bad but can't?

• he'd be tempted in casually talking to you but what is there to talk about? so he never did

°- Baji Keisuke

• being kazutora's best mate had given him some observation of others, and his eye landed on you

• it's not his business, but sometimes he can't help but just... observe, if he can't or won't do anything about it least he'll do is watch

• hes been around and seen many people with issues so it's easy for him to pick out some things

• your relaxed yet at the same time stiff demeanour

• he'd even realise your own observation of other people that you both would catch eye contact but you'd look away

• and in that moment he'd have a good look at your eyes, part of him hates that he finds darkness under your eyes to be a good look for you

• someone being depressed isn't out of the ordinary though, at this point it's normalised and Baji knows this and hates it

• he gets agitated seeing someone that would be considered a straight up 'bitch' come up to you to annoy you

• he'd try and guess certain reasons as to why you do things, sometimes if he's too curious (which is rarely or only once) he'd straight up ask one of his friends who's mentally ill how it's like to try and get the gist

• he secretly likes it when you lightly tap your fingers on the edge of the table like beats to a song, him seeing that makes him think that you're in a good mood. without thinking that maybe it can be a coping mechanism.

♡----

#fanfiction #fanfic #baji keisuke #baji x reader #chifuyu x reader #matsuno chifuyu #kazutora x reader #kazutora hanemiya #kazutora #chifuyu #tokyo revengers

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kuruk · 10 days

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i also really hate the way people talk about having bad childhoods online now it's constantly leading to people who like make vent comics about how their dad told them to stop talking about an interest telling people that were abused that they can tell based on their opinions or behavior that they know something about their childhood. And obviously I don't know the first person's full experience either just based on what they talk about online but it's like there's not one way for a victim to think and act and it's not a funny joke to a lot of people like those videos of like "pov you told your mom you didn't like dinner and she melts down and then won't talk" or actually I can't think of a dad equivalent I always see the mom ones but that's not funny that's really sad and it's not a fun "emotionally immature parents! 🤗" club for a lot of people like lots of us do still want to try to heal that relationship in some way and don't completely hate our parents and childhood but then people will be like "shopping for a father's day gift? tell me you don't have childhood trauma without telling me" like fine I guess you win

yeah it's just a very grating attitude to be around and it makes me feel embarrassed to even have these issues and it's just trivializing.. Like mental illnesses and trauma being talked about like a funny cute little club is already a thing that's been annoying for years but the internet has created some of the worst attitudes around this stuff and it's really uncomfortable for people who actually are still dealing with these things and don't wear it as some badge of pride for our self identification. Like my personality has definitely been affected by the things that I used to go through and even it's difficult for me to tell whether even the biggest parts of my personality are actually real parts of me or if they're just a result of that. But it's not like being traumatized is a personality trait I find funny and relatable like some people act online.. I cry really hard every time I see even a few seconds of domestic violence in fiction, even when it's just hinted at. My dad coughs in another room and I tear up and scratch at my skin. Recently I've imagined killing him and it was vivid in my mind, and that sort of stuff really scares me and feels really unsettling. I know everyone reacts differently but the attitude that's like "ayy nice childhood trauma" is bizarre and honestly kind of cruel when it leads to people telling other people how to feel about their own family who hurt them. The internet acts like a perfect guideline to a lot of people and they take it all in so literally of what's problematic and what isn't and now people tell people they shouldn't ever feel sympathy for anyone who's ever hurt them or that repairing relationships is always going to be unhealthy. And for me, it is, and I can't really reconcile with my father probably ever. But to tell people it's never an option they're allowed to consider is cruel and dismisses the needs and feelings of people who have been hurt like that and it's an immature black and white way of thinking

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melusine0811 · 4 months

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Angry teacher rant ahead. And this is a doozy.

I woke this morning to an email to find that one of my most sensitive kids, who trusted me, had been suspended, along with her friend, for something that should not have ended in a suspension. In my class, both are stellar students, they chat a lot, but they are ELEVEN. One has a severe mental illness for which the behavior they displayed is a manifestation (severe panic disorder). And no one but someone who deals with any sort of mental illness would be able to pick this out, but of course I cannot out myself. And their parents can't pick it out either because they only took the kid to the psychiatrist ONCE to get a diagnosis and that was it.

I am so tired of watching adults AND kids I care about get hurt by people who don't have any fucking perception or any room for it- even those on an antidepressant (aka my brother)---they are almost worse because they're boxed in thinking "well if I can handle it, so and so shouldn't act like that." Adults are no better than my 11 year old students. And for my kids it's even harder to watch when it comes from people they trust. Sometimes it’s the 11 year olds that are most ready for empathy, as sad as it is. They forgive easily and love the most readily after it's all said and done. But they're the ones that get trampled on fastest all over again.

Hear me out:

All people, in all positions, especially teachers and those working closely with the wellbeing of other human beings (medical, social work, psychology, childcare, etc), should have to go through rigorous and comprehensive sensitivity training for mental illnesses just like they do for CPR, sexual harassment training, and diversity training. In fact, mental illness should be a MUCH LARGER part of diversity training. Anyone working in a clinical or medical field should have to spend a week (5 days) visiting each day the same psychiatric hospital, and actually TALK to the human beings in there. But of course the stigma still dictates that it's not important enough, and that we're invisible.

CHRONIC MENTAL ILLNESS IS A LEGITIMATE DISABILITY- I.E. severe depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and many less common disorders. These disorders produce a massive array of behavioral consequences that constantly overlap. And demanding the same things from these students is just like demanding the same behavior of ALL students, no matter whether they have an IEP or 504.

***Every teacher and student in my school knows how to fight off a fucking gunman but not how to sensitively handle a twelve year old having a panic attack. In fact, other kids and even teachers would just laugh and blame the kid for not trying hard enough. ***

Every. Single. Action someone does, regardless of age, that you perceive as poor behavior, annoying, borderline irritating, negative, defiant, backtalking, rude, or even mean, or lashing out---and most especially if it's out of character for them---? It comes from a place of deep pain. It comes from a place of TRAUMA. Always. It's an even surer sign based on how they act afterwards. Do they not care? Do they go right on to the next dumbass thing? Or do they feel horrible about it, perhaps as if---hmmm--- they've been rejected before?

People do things and behave certain ways for a REASON. Throwing them into a suspension or separating them from others just isolates them and makes it worse. For kids and people who don't handle rejection, this causes ACTUAL PHYSICAL PAIN. I'm not saying you should put up with people's poor behavior. I am saying say your piece, tell them it's not okay, and then LET IT FUCKING GO afterwards. Because I guarantee you they will be having nightmares about it long after you will. People, especially kids, only act out around people they TRUST and can be vulnerable with, and the chances of something similar ever happening again are slim to none. If you are a parent, you know this to be true because your child is fine at school and can be a little shit sometimes at home.

Try, as hard as if may be for you, to see past it. Be bigger, you're not the one falling apart in that moment. Intervene. Because if this is something that is not a regular occurrence, that kid is careening towards a mental or behavioral breakdown. It costs you nothing but maybe your "pride" to back down and open yourselves to them. Maybe offer a hug instead sharp words. You would be shocked.

Years ago, I went on maternity leave. I had a 15 year old student named Dustin who I was very fond of. Dustin was autistic, he was gentle, and the other kids tormented him because of the way he talked and the fact that he was always filthy. He was bipolar. His father abused him and neglected him. He would come to my classroom just to sit and talk to me about Pokemon. I had no idea what he was talking about but I listened anyway. The person who replaced me during my maternity leave was, without exaggeration, an absolute bitch. She was a bitch when I was in high school and as far as I know she still is. She unsurprisingly triggered Dustin one day with her absolute insensitivity. A bunch of the other boys ganged up on him and told him they were going to beat him up the next day. The sub did NOTHING. Dustin brought a knife to school the next day to protect himself and he got expelled. There was nothing I could do when I got back. Dustin was killed five years later, hardly anyone ever showed that boy kindness.

Try to remember that the next time you push them aside, dismiss them, ignore their need for your reassurance especially in their time of deepest vulnerability. Because if that’s the case? You are not as special as you think you are— and you are faaar from the first that has dismissed their hurt, and you are only creating a hardened, more traumatized person much more quickly.

Adults especially should know better. Take care of our babies, people better fucking take care of mine. Adults should know better when it comes to each other, as well- fucking take care of each other, and open yourselves in others' time of need. I have seen so, so many forgotten people in the hospital.

#lauren rants #kids #teaching #students #also applicable for adults #tired teacher #tired of watching heartbreak #Mrs B bitches #to the shitty system #that doesn't support mental health in any way #also tired of people's attitude towards mental illness #because nobody really cares that much #and you just get used to it

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cephalonheadquarters · 3 months

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my stupid ass accidentally hit unfollow instead of ask button -_- ANGYWAYS like what is UP with c.Cemelo? Camelo>?i forgot how to spell his name the second i looked away from it THE MUTLICOLORED MENTALLY ILL GUYthag one. i have so many questions about him like why is he a freak (lovingly). why is his relationship with the big guy so inasne liek whats theier deal. im so interested (props my chin up in my hands and smiles suuuper wide) i would love to hear about them if u wanna talk about them PEACE ✌ (i mean all this genuiinely btw)

HIS NAEM CHAMELO it’s just Chameleon but also Camilo. I hope that helps..you got it close in the second try. the first one is like cementHe was forced to eat cement at 6. I'm probably going to switch around with his nicknames and name a lot (Chamy, Melo) out of habit sorry if its confusing

ANYWAYS. I'M REALLY GLAD YOU ASKED HI ok. LOTS of words soooo undah da cut they go. Also sorry if a lot of this does Not make sense trust me I don't make sense to myself sometimes

He is a freak because I really like characters like him. He's basically how my thought process works so that probably also means you're calling me a freak too(Lighthearted)

He is horrifically anxious and has got anger issues and is just real irritable in general (And probably more things.?). He has trouble dealing with his own emotions because they're often so extreme, so he does things on impulse despite overthinking a lot. He sorta contradicts himself in his thoughts and feelings and actions. Idk he's weird. Doesn't always know what he wants and has a tough time with communication. Him changing colors involuntarily depending on his mood doesn't help either if the person he's talking to knows which colors go with what feeling. He tries his hardest to hide his emotions when he wants to whether it be angry, nervous, sad, even happy, but he also knows he'll always have a dead giveaway if he feels anything ever.

(Note: Optional reading in this next part I ended up rambling↓)

I do worry about him getting so worked up because I don't want people to think that I think feeling emotions is dumb or whatever because I tend to like. Make him accidentally funny or play it off as a joke. And then I remember he feels like I do so I don't care if people get mad at me for having a character that gets upset or jumps to conclusions over little things or has a lot of inner monologue that's just freaking out because I do that a lot too. I like when I can relate to characters, I like to put things about me in my characters. People have told me that a lot of my characters have very real personalities (I LOVE WRITING PERSONALITIES) so I think I'm okay. It makes me feel extra happy when people tell me they can relate too. A lot of that didn't explain anything about him actually sorry lawl they call me the rambler

Okey anyways

About him and Diesel (da big guy)....

I don't even know where to start with them goodness gracious they're a mess. I guess when they first met. Chamy got a new job at the stupid dumb pizza place that Diesel had already been working at for a while despite almost Never showing up for (Their boss, Sharlotte, doesn't even give a darn and thinks of Diesel as a "son she never had" so he gets away with a lot). Diesel noticed Melo was new and because he is like a big cartoon bully of course he messes with Chamelo, mainly by stealing his beloved motor scooter thing.

Diesel made sure Chamy saw that he stole it, he wanted Chamelo to see him. If he wanted Melo to try to get back at him, it worked. When he finally caught Diesel with his scooter, Chamelo lunged at him like a rabid animal and they started fighting over it. Of course, Chamelo won through sheer rage and took back his scooter and Diesel hasn't taken it since then, but Melo has to let him drive it whenever they're delivering together (Because Sharlotte thought it was a genius decision to partner him up with Diesel because she thought Chamelo would die).

Chamelo holds a grudge against Diesel over that whole situation, but now he just finds himself instigating a fight with him for literally no reason (There is a reason it is because he is Gay and a Freak).

He then eventually realizes he is Madly In Love with that chimaera guy and has a meltdown about it and can't tell ANYONE or he will DIE!!!!!! And so he becomes incredibly awkward and even more annoying around Diesel

Asker (his friend he doesn't know is his friend) questions him about Diesel because they notice him being weird about him and they find out he likes him but they don't really care but one time they told Diesel that Melo is kind of a freak about him and then Chamelo punched them in the face (I drew it in [this post] except it's in inklish because I thought it was stupid it's sandwiched between a bunch of other drawings sorry. I still think it's funny though)

Umm yeah Chamelo is hopelessly in love and is quite scared about it because he's never felt actual romantic love before with another fish, only his scooter(bc. objectum...). He doesn't know how to deal with his feelings! It's like, a weird mix of hatred and yearning. So like. A hate-love. He wants to keep hating Diesel, he doesn't want to get attached to him but he already is..!! He feels like he's supposed to hate him, Chamy doesn't know what he even likes about Diesel. He wants to stop feeling like this but he doesn't want to at the same time, if that makes sense. He tries to tell himself it's a passing feeling or anything that isn't being in love.

He's scared of what could happen if they ever do end up together, that he might stop being in love and maybe it was just a passing feeling after all, and he's frustrated at the thought of Diesel never knowing about how he really feels. He doesn't know what to do about this, and most likely won't for a while. It's painful and overwhelming for him both physically and emotionally :'(

Diesel still I guess bullies Chamelo sometimes but that is just because he always does that and doesn't know anything about himself 🤣🤣😂😂AAAHHHH AAAAGHHH AHHHHHH AHHH AHHsorry. He is bisexual. He does not know that. He also shows up to work more because of Chamelo. But he also didn't realize that until they had a short one-sided conversation on Squidmas [see here].

Diesel is taking longer than Chamelo to realize he likes him, and honestly I cannot imagine a world where Diesel actually reciprocates feelings. I don't want to say he will but I don't want to say he won't. I don't know how to describe it. Something just happens I guess lol. I'll figure it out

Since then, they've been oh-so-painfully-slowly warming up to each other, still getting mad at one another, still yelling, still fighting, still absolutely Hating the other's existence...but hey...they're together more because they want to be.........AAAGHHHHHHH isn't fighting so intimate😍THEY HAVE TO STOPPPP sorry .Sorry. I'm really normal about their horrendously weird relationship that is taking Forever to get better. It's like slow-burn if you put it at 0.5x speed. Also I wouldn't call them enemies to lovers, they aren't exactly enemies nor are they lovers later That doesn't make sense but I wouldn't know how to explain it. Swagever.

At some point Sharlotte's car and a modded trizooka have to do with them (along with a couple older ocs of mine) but that doesn't really have anything to do with right now. A lot of my drawings of the two are out of order because I'm impatient lol. I want to try to not go through like. arcs? so quickly because 1. I fear the day I run out of ideas and 2. Everything has to end and I don't like the idea of finishing all of my splatoon's lives but luckily splatoon happens in real time so I have a lot of years to go if I'm That determined about my guys LOL Sorry unrelated

TL;DR Diesel and Chamelo's relationship is so complex and stupid it is almost entirely beyond my own comprehension. They hate each other so much that they want to be with each other.

Okay that's all I could think of. A Billion Thankies for asking me about them... Apologies if you didn't really need all of That for me to explain. I like to explain things ❤

#jfc. Sorry that is a ton of words i kept having to reread everything a million times if i got something wrong or missed anything well.#then i will die forever #It is currently 2 am this took me a While. Ok goodnight #ask #chamelo fláje #diesel fintasma

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dangermousie · 9 months

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Farscape rewatch: Beware of the Dog, 2x14

I admit, in the rational light of day, the plot of this ep isn't the most coherent thing ever, but I don't mind. What sticks with me isn't the parasite plot, not even the Vork; hideous and annoying as that thing was, I felt very sad when it died trust Farscape to twist the knife by giving the creature rudimentary ability to communicate just so John and Aeryn can understand it’s in pain and also make them hunt an innocent and kill it mistakenly when it was only trying to help.

(I love the way John is comforting Aeryn here - underneath the incipient, soon to be full-on, madness and all the self-defense of toughness he has to put on to survive, he is a remarkably gentle person at his core, which is why the damage he inflicts hurts him almost as much as the damage that is inflicted on him.)

What sticks with me is the whole underpinning theme (soon to become a full-blown symphony) with Crichton seeing Scorpy and slowly going insane. We see him act out more and more in this episode - Pilot mentioning he’s being erratic, his seeing Scorpy randomly all over the ship. And his reaction is violence (of course) but also what strikes me is he realizes this is insanity beckoning and he tries to deny this is what’s happening, because he knows this is how it comes across, only to of course eventually confide in Aeryn.

He almost hurts both Rygel and Aeryn in his attempts to kill Scorpius that only he sees and it’s such a foreshadowing of his actions by the end of the s2, where his madness WILL make him hurt those he loves, against his will, but also such bitter irony in light of the fact that the chip prevents him from harming actual Scorpius.

When he says something inside stopped him - shudder. The thing is - this is such a proof of how utterly this thing controls him, how utterly it goes against his basic self. Because if it could stop him from murdering the man he hates the most, it can do anything. Once again, the concept of the chip is such an interesting scifi take on both trauma and mental illness including flashbacks and triggers and disproportionate reactions and the very fact that you cannot defeat this by willpower alone, you cannot will it away but need medical treatment. (And the fact that people who’ve never gone through that and/or don’t have training to deal with this are really not equipped to handle it.)

Throughout the episode, he is playing that chess game, and you think it really is against himself, only to realize at the end, as Scorpy's imaginary figure shows up, that this is who he has been playing against all along. And Scorpius' parting comment about a trap (and he doesn't mean chess) is chilling in light of what happens the rest of the season. Because play as hard as he might, at this point, all John is to him is a pawn.

The scene that sticks the most with me though, is John and Aeryn at the end, and he finally confides in someone (of course it will be her) that he sees Scorpy everywhere. And she is worried but not sure how to react (but I love her being utterly supportive. So different from early Aeryn, where to show weakness in front of her was not to be thought of) and he stonewalls help, really, by saying he will ask for help like she does.

I will always love her for asking this and not for going no way or acting like he’s rabid or w/e.

His willingness to admit that he’s seeing things (such a contrast with earlier) is already an enormous step but still - he has come so far from the open scientist from the beginning, always willing to talk.

Their roles are slowly reversing, aren't they? Soon she will be his mental stability and his grip on humanity, and not the other way as it was in the beginning. And I love how even it feels, how they damn and doom and rescue and protect each other, it is a neverending turning cycle and the very fact that he’s both damned and saved by his love of her and her love of him - he only goes mad because he goes down to the base to save her and gets tortured and implanted, but it is his love for her that keeps him functioning; and also the only way he is alive to go mad is because she rescues him from the base etc etc and it’s never-ending reverberations and I love it. And he tells her he won't lose his mind, 'it's the only thing I have left.' The wealth of helpless bitterness in that (and the truth, and the fact that he will lose even that) really stay with me much after this ep.

And that is precisely why Farscape is going to take it away. I always thought losing his mind and getting controlled was a torture uniquely calibrated to Crichton. Not just because he is someone who’s a scientist so he prizes his mind, or because this is his one attribute that allows him to keep up (the show is constant that humans are physically inferior to all the aliens we meet; his mind is the one thing that allows Crichton to have an equal playing field) but also because this is the only way he can cope with being thrown into an entirely new, alien, strange world - he processes this and deals with this. Once his mind starts going, that’s terrible enough in safe and familiar surroundings, but in an utterly dangerous borderline incomprehensible world that he needed every ounce of his sharpness and will to navigate and cope with, a situation where it’s a miracle he kept his sanity as is - just yikes.

But also, the chip’s insiduousness is not just that - it’s a twofold punch of mind and will because his mind betrays him not just by hallucinations or making him take actions he’d never take of his own volition; it betrays him by making him a prisoner in his own body in such a basic sense that he not only takes actions he does not want, he cannot take actions he does want - later on he asks D’Argo to kill him and the horror is that he has to ask because he realizes the chip won’t allow him to do it himself; something as basic as control over his own life or death has been taken away from him. Scorpius took a man he could not break and broke him, a man he could not control and turned him into a puppet passenger in his own body. The chip (once again, in a scifi take on trauma aftermath/mental illness) takes the strongest-willed person imaginable and strips that will away. And we are about to embark on this ride.

#farscape

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haet-sal · 2 years

Text

Purple Hyacinths // wjh

The Marriage of Your Favorite Celebrity Couple is Coming to An End—the world wonders why

Synopsis:Your marriage to Wen Junhui has been in the public eye for 7 years, and you have a beautiful son together. As news of you filing for divorce hit the tabloids, everyone, even your own husband, is wondering why and piecing the moments of love, sickness, and strength together to figure out what went wrong.

Tags: wen junhui x reader, ANGST, fluff in flashbacks, brief smut!

WARNINGS: MENTAL ILLNESS. Reader has a personality disorder that is very apparent and is emotionally unstable. Think of this more as a vent piece with a lot of jun

W.C.: 6k (yikes)

You’d been fighting for a few weeks straight now, without a break, but Jun is still surprised to see the papers on his home office desk. At first he feels offended, that he has to deal with this on top of work, and why would you place it on his desk, which was supposed to be work-only? And then he feels sad. But he won’t cry.

The tabloids all know. That’s the worst part. You’d gossiped to a friend who had been a double agent for all those gossip magazines, and now it was all over the news, how everyone’s favorite celebrity couple was breaking up. The thing is you’d gossiped to literally everybody, so it’s unclear who leaked it.

He gets his photo taken at coffee runs and on his way to work. Sometimes people ask him where you are.

Whenever you disappeared from the public, he would be the only one who knows where to find you. Your husband, your special man, your confidant. But now he had no idea where you were, except that you were at a friend’s. He hoped that you’d come back soon, and with your mind changed, because all he wanted was to put those divorce papers in the shredder. The worst part about them is that your parts were already signed.

He finds it stupid. Everything about this was stupid, because he didn’t even know what you were fighting him for.

The night before you finally left, you had been in tears, unhappy at him for something vague and made up—he didn’t understand. “You don’t care about me!” you kept screaming. “You don’t care about us, or our family, and if this goes on like this I’d rather just not be your wife!”

Jun came over to cup his hand over your mouth. “Hao’s awake, please talk quietly!” he hissed.

And then you said something horrible, that Jun would always remember: “I was so happy before I met you.”

Jun broke down in tears, even if he tried to stop it. He pressed the sleeve of his black T-shirt to his eyes and just sobbed. He sobbed that he was sorry. He didn’t understand what was wrong, but he was sorry.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m not a good husband, I’m sorry it seems like I don’t care, I’m sorry if I seem like a bad father, Y/N, I’m sorry, please can we just stop fighting?”

You relented. But in a horribly calm way. “Sorry that I made you cry, Jun.” You said it so emotionlessly he couldn’t tell if you meant it. “I’ll sleep at someone else’s house. I think we both need a breather.”

Today, he came home late again, not wanting to face that quiet house without your presence. “Papa,” your son had called out first thing when Jun came home, “when will mommy come back?”

Jun had hoped Hao would be asleep by the time he came home, but decided that’s just his fears talking. He wanted to spend time with his buddy. He just didn’t know how to answer questions like that.

“Soon, Hao,” Jun replied. He realized that his son probably had already been fed by the babysitting staff, who excused themselves as soon as he came home. Usually, when you weren’t filming, you’d take care of everything. You even spaced your projects out enough so you could spend time with your son.

So Jun doesn’t think you’d abandon Hao. You both loved that kid so much. He was the most precious thing in the world to both of you, and you’d affirm it to each other. “I love our son. Thank you—for giving him to us” and “I’m going to stay alive for him, I promise.” Your son was your everything, so why would you leave?

“Is mommy sick again?” Hao asked when Jun was tucking him into bed. “Like last time, when she couldn’t move from the bed?”

“Hao…” Jun sighed. “No. Mommy’s not sick again. Mommy just needs time.”

“She doesn’t want to see me?” the little boy asked sadly. Jun felt his heart wrench itself.

“It’s not because of you, Hao. It’s just… daddy and her need to talk about something first.”

“But when?” Hao pressed urgently. “When will she come back?”

“I’ll talk to her, okay?”

He tucked the boy into his bed, and afterwards, just lounged around, trying to avoid the bedroom.

Sitting alone in his office, afraid to go into his room where the silence was deafening and you weren’t present, Jun sat there for a long time thinking about you, about the divorce papers, about what he would do without you.

And then he looked your name up on the internet.

Y/N L/N’S MARRIAGE IS OVER? READ ALL ABOUT IT

HOLLYWOOD STAR’S MARRIAGE TO CHINESE CEO ‘ON THE ROCKS’

He clicked on one of those articles, and it wasn’t even about the divorce—they only had minimal information about it. It was about your whole love story, how you met, your wedding, everything.

He decided to read it and take a trip down memory lane.

You met him at a party of one of the biggest companies in the world, where all shareholders and friends—rich, influential friends—of the CEO attended. You were there because your friend was dating one of those men and didn’t want to be alone in a sea of American Psycho-mindset business men.

Jun was a fan—he guesses. He’d seen your movies. He knows that you were in one big Disney blockbuster, as a princess, and also knew you from the other more mature psychological thrillers. He didn’t know what to expect, really, but once he saw you sitting across the table from him, he was in awe. He was made a fan.

It was Seungkwan and Seungcheol that pushed him into talking to you. Jun was prepared to let you pass by him, maybe ask you for an autograph—no, that’s too lame. He’ll just watch you and never approach you and never ask for an autograph.

But Seungkwan pushed him. Seungkwan was Make Jun Happy campaigner #1, and he wanted his older friend to settle down already. He knew about Jun’s little baby fever dreams, that he wanted a family. So he asked him to just go talk to you.

It was a magnetic meeting, something you yourself admitted you had never felt before. It was an instant love, drawn to each other, and before the conversation ended, you both blurted out that you needed the other’s phone number, immediately.

“Oh my god, please,” you cursed, still surprised you found him this way, the true love you'd always waited for. “Yes. I want your number. Can I give you mine?”

But later that night he texted if he could take you out sometime next week—that’s when he was free—and you weren’t available. You had to fly to Paris for Cannes, and then comes Milan fashion week, where you had to make an appearance.

He didn’t make you promise him anything, which you liked. You simply talked. But before you finally turned your phone off for the flight, you promised him you would see him as soon as you returned to Seoul.

It took a quick google search to find out your favorite flower, which you mentioned in an interview: purple hyacinths.

They weren’t the most expensive flower to order, and he happily did, and after that awaited your call.

Your plane landed in France at the break of dawn, and it took a 3 hour ride to your hotel from the airport. When you got there, you saw the lobby completely covered in purple hyacinths. Their sweet nectary smell filled the entire hotel, and at first you’d thought it was for somebody else, but then the receptionist hands you a card.

Good luck on the carpet. Have lots of fun —Jun

You saved the card by flattening it out and shoving it in your purse next to your passport, where only the most important things go. At the film festival, whenever a romantic film played, you imagined you and Jun as the main characters. You were two runaways deeply in love with only a bag of clothes to your name; you were a husband and wife who lived in the mountains of Japan; you were a ghost, he was a human, and you were in love.

Jun knows you’d dated before him, and he didn’t know how he measured compared to those men. He wondered, sometimes, if you had loved his predecessors more than him. But you always reassuringly showed him so much love.

You started dating after you flew out of Milan, where he asked if you wanted to officially be his. It was only your second public relationship, and you were nervous.

Fans loved it. Fans ate. It. Up. Jun was a handsome young rich bachelor, highly coveted, and it makes sense someone of your status would go for him. It was a true match made in heaven, just perfect. And you looked happier than ever.

Jun always knew you were sick, though. He knows of your scars and outbursts. While you were dating him you went off the grid for a few weeks, only to resurface and tell him you had been living inpatient.

“Did something hurt you?” he asked. “Where does it hurt?”

You laughed. “Oh, everywhere…”

He didn’t understand. “You don’t need a transplant or something, do you?”

“I just… I had to go away. And live under surveillance because I tried to hurt myself.” You thought it made you a monster. “We don’t have to be together anymore if you don’t want to.”

He thought it made you human. He flew out to LA in the guise of a business trip and spent many nights holding you in his arms, but he couldn’t piece all the broken parts back together no matter how much he tried.

You didn’t believe in marriage. But slowly you warmed up to it, because of how well he took care of you.

So the day he popped the question—on a private west coast Beach—you didn’t need to hesitate. It was the most sure you’d ever been of your own identity, because then your identity was just The Person Wen Junhui Loves.

“Jun, I don’t want a wedding,” you told him a week later after he put his assistant on a search for professional wedding planners. “I don’t want to plan one.”

Jun got struck a little, as if you were taking back your ‘yes’. “You don’t want to marry me?”

“I do!” you say quickly. “I just don’t want a wedding. Can’t we just go to the courthouse?”

But what about inviting your parents? What about the giant wedding cake Jun wanted?

So your wedding was a courthouse wedding, against Jun’s wishes. He wanted to see you in one of those grand gowns, he wanted all four of your parents to be there—you both had the money for something like that, so why not?

But you pushed towards a simple courthouse wedding, where his parents could come if they liked, but yours weren’t, and you didn’t dress up. It was a deal of signing the contract and then kissing. For the longest time Jun hated that you downplayed the wedding.

“I just didn’t want my parents there,” you admitted to Jun, 4 years into the marriage, when Hao was 3. “And I didn’t have anybody I wanted to invite. Big weddings are stupid.”

Jun understood that you were trying to protect your fragile heart, and for him it was fine. He would also protect it as long as he lived.

Hao doesn’t like Jun anymore. It feels strange to be unliked by your own son, truly, and Jun doesn’t know how to stop it, because the little boy was acting out. He didn’t like being touched by his father, or being ordered around. He played with the mud outside and trekked in so much dirt into the apartment that Jun had yelled at him to take off his dirty clothes and get ready for a shower.

He wouldn’t listen. Jun carried him into the bathroom.

“Stop!” Hao was screaming, yelling, struggling in his arms. He hit his father’s shoulders with all the power in his little body, and it didn’t hurt but Jun felt all choked up. Why did his own son hate him now? “Don’t touch me! I hate you! You made mommy go away!”

Jun set him down in the bath. “Why?” he asked in Chinese, gently, their own little language they always spoke to hide something from you. “Why do you think papa drove mommy away, Hao? Why?”

“I heard my teachers talking about it,” Hao sobbed. “That you must have done something wrong and that’s why I don’t have a mom anymore. They said, ‘no wonder, she was always going to leave him.’”

Jun gritted his teeth, angry. But he would never take it out on his son. “No, Hao. Listen: you do have a mom. She’s coming back, okay?”

“No thanks to you!” Hao kicked at the air, probably aiming for his father. Jun patiently turned on the water and proceeded to wash his son.

Hao couldn’t stay mad at his father for long, though, because they were the only two at home when all the maids and staff left. He wanted a midnight snack, and his papa made him an omelet.

Sat at the kitchen table, Jun presents his son the perfect omelet with a grin. It used to be a tradition, whenever Hao woke up at night—you would make something for the three of you. Now there were two.

“I miss mommy,” Hao says.

Jun wishes he had someone to whine about missing you too. But the only person he wanted to have take care of him was you. “I miss mommy too,” Jun finally admits. “But she’ll come back.”

“She won’t.” Hao looked so sure of it.

“She will, Hao, don’t say that. Your mommy cares about you.”

“She called me,” Hao said, “she called me after school. She said she’s never coming back to our home.”

“No.” Jun came over to hug his son, who, while delivering such a horrible statement, was completely calm. “No, mommy’s sick. She’s just angry at me.”

Once you started therapy, your therapist thought it’d be better if she could meet your husband and hear his side of the argument.

Jun looked like an innocent victim caught in your forest fire of emotions. The therapist justified his actions while making you realize you had your perspectives horribly skewed by your personality disorder.

He only had to sit in on a few sessions. Usually you just went alone, and when you came home he’d ask how therapy went with a kiss, and you’d always reply, “fine.” No follow-ups. What you said during therapy was just a reflection of something deep-rooted and horrible in you, and Jun understood that. On one of his sit-ins, you made a terrible confession.

“Ever since I was young, I could turn my feelings on and off. I could just devalue something so horribly I saw them as evil and never wanted to touch them again.”

The therapist motioned for you to go on.

“It’s like, I had a toy, a little pink rabbit. I loved it, but one day I had this thought process, like, if this toy ever saw my bully it would love her more. So then I decided I don’t like it anymore, and I just. Abandoned it. I know it’s irrational, putting emotions into toys, but… I get this feeling with Jun sometimes. That he might be on the side of everyone who had hurt me before, and it… it makes me want to hate him, even though I know it’s all in my head.”

“Okay,” the therapist goes, “Okay, Mrs. Wen, you do realize, that’s a direct symptom of your disorder? We’ll need you to recognize these thought processes, and control them and de-realize them…”

She’d give you exercises to do, instead of just letting you leave after bearing your soul to her. So therapy was actually trying to get somewhere.

You would admit to so many horrible thoughts. You were always insecure with Junnie, that he would be in love with somebody else, or find someone better, or just simply realize you were just a mess and leave you.

He cuddled you closer and tighter that night, and promised to do the same every night after that.

Some nights, holding onto you felt like he was holding onto a ghost.

Jun now has a different girl with him in his bed, and while he touches her, he imagines it's you, your eyes he kisses, your hands he holds, but she’s younger, exactly the kind of girl you feared losing him to, and now she’s giggling because all your worst fears were true, you really were losing your husband to a girl who has her head on right. She must feel so superior. She won Wen Junhui from a world-famous actress.

“Did you always give Y/n flowers? I want some too, Mr. Moon.” The girl giggled as she crawled into his bed, and she’s touching him, he’s undressed, she’s already made him come undone with her mouth and now she wants more, but damn, she touched a strange subject, and now Jun was lost to his thoughts.

“I gave her hyacinths,” Jun whispered to himself, staring at the ceiling. She was sitting over him, straddling him, attentive enough that she saw the tears trickle down his temples. She wiped them away. “Oh, baby…”

“I think you need to leave,” Jun decides, pushing her off of him and placing her down on the bed, just anywhere not on top of him. “This is a mistake.”

The girl is kicked out very disgracefully, and she’s mad but Jun knows it only takes a few flowers and gifts to get back into her good graces. It didn’t work that way with you—you would get stuck on a thought, demonize him, never forgive him again. It was a wonder to him how he came to understand you so well these years, and he still lost you.

Or you chose to leave.

Jun couldn’t sleep so he went to Hao’s room to check on him, and the little boy was soundly asleep on his side, head resting on his palms.

Jun still thought it was just amazing how you could create something as beautiful as Hao, but the best thing about Hao to him was that he was half you. There were no others he wanted to raise a child with; he couldn’t even imagine it.

There was an interview with some magazine where they wanted your husband and son to sit in during. It was a big deal that this foreign magazine would come all the way to Seoul to film, and it proved to everyone that you were a big deal. You could situate yourself in Seoul, and all the outlets would come to you. You called the shots.

They had little Hao act as the interviewer. “So mommy, when you first saw me in the hospital, who did you think I looked more like: you or dad?”

You held the boy in your arms as you spoke. “You look very much like your daddy, Hao. But you also got my prettiest features in you, too. That’s what makes you such a beautiful boy.”

Jun thought all his fears had been stupid; you’d never leave him, or Hao. You weren't overly affectionate, but the love was there.

Somewhere near the end they ran out of questions. “Mommy,” Hao says, shuffling through his cards, “How are babies made?”

The entire studio laughs, in such a booming way that it sounds scripted. They almost thought you didn’t have the guts to reply, but you did.

“Okay, son,” you start, laughing—Jun loves that laugh. It was his favorite sound in the world, before Hao was born and he heard his laugh. “Do you know how phone chargers work? So daddy’s wire goes into—”

“Stop!” Jun yelled, coming onto the set. “Stop it,” he commanded with a light smile, but his eyes meant business.

“Okay, okay.”

You reached out to hold his hand. “Stay with us,” you shyly requested, “Sit with us, come on.” Hao crawled into his lap. Jun gave you a kiss, which drove the fans wild when the video came out. ‘They’re so in love.’ ‘My mom and dad.’ ‘Hao is so lucky, I wish my parents loved each other too.’

Jun will admit, a part of having the child was so you’d stay with him.

It was wrong to think so. He’d never say that out loud during the therapy session—what if the doctor thinks he’s evil—but it was really the truth. He thought if you had a son then you’d think twice before you decided he was a mistake.

It was an insecurity he developed after your first few fights. Whenever you fought, you’d regret the marriage. He’d keep all the things you said in his head, and when you had forgotten about the fight, he’d ask for a child, even though he feigned that it was merely his one wish in life, to have a beautiful child with the woman of his dreams. Because then you’d stay. You’d stop threatening to leave him.

And for a while, it worked. You were either so content with the little guy, or preoccupied, that the fights stopped. For a long time. For a long time there was nothing in your mind other than how much you loved your husband and son.

And then you lost your mind.

Jun doesn’t recall how it really happened, except it was easy to tell you were getting sick again. Hao was three. You kept crying for no reason. And then there was that instance with the box cutter…

You finally admitted yourself to a hospital, and spent most of the days medicated and heavily sedated.

Hao kept crying for you. Even as a three-year-old, he knew this absence wasn’t right. It wasn’t like all the other times when you’d leave to film in Spain or something, where you’d always call him and sometimes even take him with you.

Jun never took your son to visit you at the hospital. Your spaced-out sedated eyes terrified even him, and he never wanted Hao to see you like that.

But Hao became a problem point whenever you and Jun fought.

Jun missed Hao’s birthday when he was drinking out with his colleagues. It was horrible, granted, but it was also a party you didn’t want to throw. You’d been complaining about having to entertain a bunch of children and their moms, which you really didn’t want to, but Jun kept saying it was right for Hao to have a party.

“But he won’t even remember it!”

Jun thought you were being a Debbie Downer again. “It’s our little boy! He deserves a birthday.”

“He can have a birthday. Just the three of us. Let’s go to the beach or something.”

But the birthday party happened and Jun wasn’t there. You had to entertain the guests all alone, and they kept asking for the kid’s father, some mothers gaining some strange glint in their eyes when they realized the afamed celebrity couple might be having marriage problems.

You gave Jun the silent treatment, but it soon erupted into something worse.

“You wanted to give the kid a birthday! You forced me to throw one!” (Jun counted himself lucky that you weren’t throwing lamps and foundation brushes) “You don’t care about us! You do realize, you wanted the kid? I never wanted one, but you kept saying you weren’t getting any younger, and now—” You were sobbing. Jun didn’t know what to do, because what you said was so horrible and he still wanted to give you a hug. “You won’t even show up for his birthday, Jun, what kind of father are you?”

“Fuck, what kind of mother is she?” Seungkwan didn’t like to bash you while you weren’t around, but Jun was taking it badly.

Jun didn’t want to think that you would leave the family in stitches, completely. But you went on a televised interview to announce your divorce, so it was more final than ever. And the public and all the outlets feasted on this announcement. Of course that loser couldn't make her happy, she deserves better, always knew it would end, Y/N's not easy to please—

Seungkwan makes sure he doesn’t see it, but Jun does. Maybe not all of it, but he knew what they must be saying.

Especially after he saw a clip of your answers during the interview. “I never wanted children, but Jun did. It was like—” You interrupted yourself with a laugh, but it was obvious this was painful for you. Maybe you were just acting for dramatic effect, but it was working. People were buying it. “He was a little older than me, and he kept saying he wasn’t getting any younger. I love my son, but it wasn’t entirely my choice—I love him, but the way he came to me, was… well, fucked up.”

“She won’t come to see her son but she’ll go on TV and say she never wanted a kid. What the fuck.”

Jun wanted to be alone. He wanted to go through the video alone, wanted you alone with him to just talk, even though he knew he’d immediately fold and hold onto you and beg you to never leave him again. He loved you so.

“Y/n’s not in her right mind right now,” Jun says quietly.

Seungkwan is surprised. “What do you mean?”

“I think she’s having one of her episodes. It’s just… she’s letting her emotions control her. I’ve only seen her like this when it gets bad.” And letting your agent book an interview to talk about a divorce that wasn’t even finalized was a big sign.

“Fuck,” Seungkwan sighed, “that’s self-destructive. You need to make up before she just wakes up one day and realizes there’s nothing left of your relationship to salvage.”

Seungkwan left after trying to console him; Jun was glad he could be alone. He wanted to watch the interview again, hear you talk about your relationship—all the bad things. He wanted to know what he could fix.

So he turns the TV on and watches it again, after Hao is asleep. He shouldn’t stay up so late, but it’s all the same anyway if he weren’t sitting in his office staring at a screen way past midnight; he could never get a wink of sleep in that bedroom you used to share. Especially after that girl visited, he was stuck somewhere between keeping the memory of you alive and still seeking some sort of physical stimulation in another way that wasn’t you.

“I got married because I loved him,” you were saying on screen. At least now he doesn’t have to wonder. “I never believed in marriage, until I met him. It was just instant trust, and love.”

“What do you think went wrong?” pressed the interviewer, and in his sleep-deprived mind Jun thought it was weird how mousy and gnarly his looks were. He was asking all the questions that were meant to hurt Jun.

“I don’t know. I think I just can’t keep relationships for that long, but he basically trapped me with my son, money, all sorts of materials, commitment after commitment—I did this for 7 years because of my son.”

“Would you have stayed that long if you never had a kid?”

You hesitated to answer it. Jun felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he willed them not to fall, as if you were seeing him through the screen and he couldn’t be seen as weak.

“No.” And there it was.

“There are rumors,” the interviewer says, “that Mr. Wen was the first to file for divorce.”

On TV, you laughed. Jun laughed bitterly to himself, too. What a joke; utterly ridiculous. You were his dream and he would have given anything to keep you with him.

Your relationship had so many good days. He missed it, and at the same time hated how he couldn't really name all the good days. There were just so many.

There were days you woke him up with kisses, with his favorite breakfast, Hao already sat at the table.

There were nights Hao would sleep between the two of you simply to be a family, because you missed your little boy and refused to part from him. You always kissed Jun like you meant it. You’re a damn good actress, so he couldn't ever tell it apart, but as far as he could imagine, it was real. You kissed him like you loved him.

Had it all been a lie? A mask?

He kept thinking about how happy you were with him, before Hao even. He wanted to be the guy you were so sure of marrying.

You never believed in marriage. You kept telling him that. And then you said yes to his proposal. He didn't hold anything hostage, or bribe you, or force you. You'd said yes so happily.

He went through your wedding album, where he'd hired an expensive Photography Director to capture the boring old courthouse, where his parents helped you exchange rings.

Yes, he had coerced you into having Hao, into staying, but it wasn't because he was a monster. It was out of pure desperation. He thought you would both be happier if you were together, with a son and a fulfilling life. Jun always thought you didn’t know what was best for you—sometimes you let your own illness cloud your judgment.

Tonight the girl is back in his room again. And she’s pressing her hands against his naked chest as he thrusts up to her, and he’s not imagining you this time, he’s looking straight at her face.

And she had freckles. Both the things that you didn’t have and the things you did have all lead back to you.

And she was quite the moaner, perhaps just trying to fill the awkward silence and the blanks Jun left whenever he just gasped and hissed and groaned, making sounds in the most silent way possible.

“Quietly,” he kept saying, “quietly. So you don’t wake the kid.” But he couldn’t shake the feeling of cheating on you and didn’t want the fuck to leave any traces, neither in his mind nor in the room.

Jun told himself that as long as your things were there, at home, with him—your closet full of designer clothes, your shelf full of books, your scripts for work—you would eventually return, and he could talk to you again.

He thought of what you said, of him trapping you with materials and commitments. Maybe it had been more or less half-true. The problem was that you were always a flight risk and he wanted to make you stay.

There's that story of the selkie, mythical winged maidens, where seven of the selkie sisters were bathing in a lake, and a young man sees them, falls in love, and steals the wings of the youngest sister so she couldn’t fly away with the rest.

In this legend, the young man makes her his wife, still hiding her wings, and makes her stay. She gives him sons, she works with him in the field, she becomes the perfect housewife, but she never stops asking for her wings back.

The man makes her a deal: give me a son. Then I'll give you your wings.

After the son, he kept asking for more time. Until the next harvest. Until the boy is 10. Until, until. But he was never prepared to let her go.

In the end she finds the wings, buried in a hatch under their house, puts them on, and flies away. Nothing could ever really make her stay.

Jun thinks of this story and thinks that the man in the story should have destroyed those wings in the first place. It could have been forever, this love. If only she wasn’t always longing for the sky.

Whatever he gave you wasn't enough.

Today he signed the first blank on the papers, saw there were more to sign, and couldn't. He knew even if he didn't put his signature on those wretched papers, you'd still cut yourself off from him in some other way—you already have.

Mingyu and his wife have come over. And this time it’s not to play the spiel Seungkwan does, comforting him. This is Mingyu ripping off the bandaid.

“You thought about signing the papers yet?” says Mingyu.

“I started…”

“You know she’s not coming back, Jun.”

“We haven’t even talked,” Jun says, which was true. “She won’t even let me talk to her?” It now dawned on him that Mingyu and his wife were the people you had been staying with.

As Mingyu explained your stance to Jun, it became clearer for him. You had been staying with the Kims.

“It’s been months,” Mingyu said. “She’s not changing her mind.”

“Where would she even go?” He realized now that he bought this very home to trap you, too.

“She’s moving back to LA,” Mingyu’s wife says. She frowns as Jun’s face falls. “Are you gonna be okay, Jun?”

“But—her closet,” he stuttered. “Her things. Everything.”

“She says she doesn’t need them anymore.” She reaches over to pat Jun on the back. “It’s okay, Jun. She’s not abandoning Hao. They videochat after school every day, and there will always be a room in her LA home for him.”

“She’s not coming back,” Jun whispers to himself in disbelief.

After Mingyu and his wife had left, Jun took out the old Polaroid of your family and held it in his hands until he was reliving that memory in his mind.

He hoped you still have that card he gave you saved, he hoped you were looking at it right now. He wondered if you still felt transported back to Cannes, to that hotel, to the first feeling of love, because with you he always felt that way.

He always felt like he had just fallen in love with you. You always made him feel so new, young, jittery.

On the back of the Polaroid, you had written: thank you for always taking care of us. I love you, Jun. —Y/N.

Hao understands you’re not a family anymore. He accepts this and has stopped asking for mommy. Jun knows it’s because you’ve already promised him a summer in LA with you, and maybe even a school year in Malibu, living with you. Hao knows enough English. He doesn’t know what he'd do when the time comes to decide where Hao stays, but first he has to finalize it. Sign the papers.

That night after he's tucked Hao into bed he comes to his office, opens up the file that's been haunting him for weeks.

He didn't want the papers to be tear-stained, so he kept wiping them away as he signed them, page after page, skimming:

Mr. Wen, Mrs. Wen has hereby requested to lawfully file a divorce

This is a formal request to terminate your relations

Reach the law firm through the attached address and her lawyer Mr. Kim

And then, in black ink, your signature. He traced his finger over it trying to feel a trace of you, somehow expecting to feel all your emotions as he felt the paper under his hands; he just wanted an insight to why.

But you had given your reasons.

Jun lets the tears fall as badly as they wanted to, and it's painful. He’s never cried so painfully before.

The papers are signed. Now he contacts his lawyer. He’ll do whatever he can to keep Hao, no matter how evil he has to be against you. So it’ll end in blood and tears, and now he wasn’t sure if he was the cage, the animal, or the human that put a wild animal in the cage. He was drawing blood, that’s for sure.

Was it always meant to end this way?

Coming home from the Cannes party that year back in France, three days after you met Jun, you sit in your room with all the purple hyacinths filling the free spaces in the hallway and in your room. You have 5 messages from Jun while you were at the afterparty, but before you check them, you text your friend first.

I don’t believe in marriage but I can imagine marrying this guy and giving him ten babies and kissing his forehead before he falls asleep

I’m so in love

I think I’ll love him forever

#jun x reader #junhui x reader #seventeen x reader #seventeen angst #seventeen fic #seventeen imagines #seventeen jun #seventeen junhui #jun scenarios #seventeen scenarios #junhui angst #seventeen x you

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sortofanobsession · 2 years

Text

To Cry for the Moon Part 9 (Moon Knight x Female Eternal!Reader)

Author's Note: This one hurt to write. The reveal had to happen eventually. This and the next couple parts will be very emotional, but it will pay off. I promise.

The story idea, and most of the voicemails to Steven & Marc were written by @jupitersmoon167 (the original post I saw is here!) Also realized I should probably add content warnings, so I did and tagged them. If you think I missed a warning please send me an ask. I try to tw tag even the tiniest thing so no one has to suffer if I can help it.

Y/N = Your Name. Y/N/N = Your Nickname. Reader pronouns She/Her. Story is 3rd person POV. Italics are the reflected alter talking.

Tag Requests are Open just message me.

Tagged: @rosaren2498, @yuugenmomo, @faefanatic, @urlocallsimp @assassinsasha23, @queenariesofnarnia, @rmoonstoner, @crypticruler, @animelover18, @philiasoul

Primary Pairing: Steven Grant x Eternal!Reader, Marc Spector x Eternal!Reader, Khonshu x Ma'at!Reader

Content Warning: Mental Illness, Devastation, Depression, Fear, Mentions of Death/genocide, Anger, Crying, Failure

Word Count: 2k+

WIP Series Masterlist

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12

Part 9: Truths and Tensions

Karun's heart feels like the only one for miles or rather kilometers since this was Australia. The warm desert around them was more comforting than she was expecting. She can see why they would choose to stay out here. Quiet isolation was safe for them. Thena didn't have to worry here. Kingo pulls Y/N aside.

“I’m sorry, boss made it sound like a spat, not a…” he wasn’t sure how to finish without upsetting her.

“It’s okay, Kingo, and you’re not a flashy moron, flashy, yes, a bit over the top at times, but you’ve never been cruel. Your timing might be off now and again, but you don’t hurt people intentionally, it’s just been tough. Steven is a sweet guy, and yeah he’s a package deal with Marc, that’s the burden of having more than one personality I guess.”

“At least your type hasn’t changed, damaged and slightly deranged moon god, check. Broken and endearing, check again, that’s so very you, Y/N/N.” Earning him a sad chuckle.

“And you still use humor to defuse awkward situations, still very much Kingo,” she says.

“But that’s a good thing right?” he asks.

“I suppose it is,” she offers him a small smile, one he takes a complete victory.

“Ha! Got you to smile,” He looks back at the other. Sersi smiles but shakes her head.

“Leave her alone, Kingo, before she stabs you,” Sprite says.

“You wouldn’t,” he says in mock shock.

Y/N shakes her head. “Haven’t stabbed you yet, have I?”

“Not recently,” he admits.

“Does that happen often?” Karun asks.

“Her stabbing me? No, more of a running joke and an empty threat throughout the centuries. Though she is always up for sparring, right, Y/N?” He tells Karun and the camera. “She has always had a tough gig. Judging people’s hearts tends to come with having to deem when punishment is justified. It can weigh you down after a millennia or two, let alone 7, wouldn’t you say, oh goddess Ma’at?”

She sighs but nods. “Haven’t sparred in ages, don’t exactly have to fight much while guiding tours around a museum. Nothing to fight except boredom there, and entitled visitors that just want to touch everything.” The conversation ends as they get closer to their destination.

The sight of the defeated deviant takes her aback for a moment. Karun gets to finally see what they are up against, even it if is already dead. No one is surprised when Kingo starts to narrate for the camera again. He’s going on about how Gilgamesh and Thena are fierce warriors. An image countetered by Gilgamesh opening the door with a white and pink kiss the cook apron. And asking what took them so long. Y/N almost laughed. It didn’t stop there he told Sprite she looked younger. Demanded to know who Karun was and then compared him to Alfred from Batman. She had missed his humor, his banter with pretty much anyone.

When it was pointed out the deviants were back she wasn’t surprised at his response.

“No shit. I could have used some help,” he tells them.

“We were attacked by a Deviant in London, too.”

“Even Ikaris couldn’t kill it.”

“You couldn’t?” Gigamesh asks.

“I was distracted,” Ikaris admits. “I wasn’t the only one.” Ikaris looks at Y/N.

“The damn thing tried to rip my leg off, I did the best I could,” Y/N counters.

“Too bad your boyfriend and your bird friend were too distracted to help either,” Ikaris states.

“I’m not doing this,” Y/N says as she turns back to Gilgamesh.

“Hey you want to try my pie?” he asks. She appreciates the topic change. But the pie fell to the ground when the others told him Ajak was gone. She gave him an awkward hug.

"I'm sure it was a lovely pie," she adds.

They go to see Thena. Gilgamesh warns them the attack had triggered her. Thena rambles about death on a planet and then puts up a fight. Kingo goes to protect Sprite and Y/N's wings come out as she steps forward and takes a protective stance before the others. But before she has to do anything Sprite summons her illusions reminding Thena who she is, who they are. Y/N drops her stance and lets her wings disappear when Thena seems to come back to herself.

Kingo makes a joke and everyone heads inside. Gilgamesh offers them food and they all sit down to eat. Gilgamesh teases Sprite as he often does, so she makes him look like a giant baby, amusing everyone. They discuss the Avengers and Ikaris claims he could lead them. Y/N rolls her eyes so hard she is shocked she can’t see her own brain. She is the only one not offended by Gilgamesh’s dig at Ikaris. He was right. Ajak hadn’t appointed Ikaris the new leader. The sphere went to Sersi. It didn’t help he had been getting on Y/N’s nerves since London.

Thena eyes Y/N skeptically as everyone seems to talk and eat. Y/N is mostly just pushing food around her plate.

“Not hungry?” Thena asks.

“What you don’t like my cooking anymore?” Gilgamesh asks.

“It’s not that, it’s wonderful as always,” she assures him.

“She’s sulking over her useless and insane boyfriend,” Ikaris tells him.

“Whoa,” Kingo says in shock. ”Boss.”

“Not cool,” Sprite says.

She was saved from replying when Sersi goes to get air. The conversation shifts and Y/N offers Thena a sad smile. “Marc is mad I didn’t tell him about us, about being Eternals. Everyone says he’ll come around. Ikaris is just mad because when the deviant attacked in London I learned Marc is Moon Knight, the avatar of Khonshu.”

“The god with the bird head from Egypt?” Thena asks.

“Yeah,” Y/N nods.

“And you didn’t know?” Thena was a bit surprised, Y/N knew humans so well.

“He is better than most at hiding things. He actually has multiple personalities and depending on who is in control their entire being, their nature shifts. Marc, and the one I haven’t even met yet, they hide things easier by letting Steven front.”

“And you like Steven?” Thena inquires.

“Everyone does,” Sprite says. “He’s like the nicest guy ever, a bit boring and absolutely obsessed with ancient Egypt. Kind of shocked he’s not talking to Y/N, like she was there, she’s one of their gods. You think he’d be all over that.”

“I like them both, but that doesn’t matter. We have bigger things to deal with. I just hope they’ll talk to me when we get back otherwise work is going to suck. That's what I get for dating a coworker I guess.”

“If he doesn’t come around then he’s an idiot,” Gilgamesh states. “An Eternal praised as an immortal, winged goddess of old, that personality must be the dumb one.”

“Thanks, Gil,” she says.

Sersi returns and what she tells them sends Y/N over the edge. They were made as they are, they weren’t born. They were made to destroy deviants, deviants that were made by Arishem. They were made to protect people from the deviants and then help them develop until they gain enough of a population, enough energy to bring about the birth of the celestial from inside the planet. Tiamut, would be the force they help destroy everything that Y/N has grown to love about this planet. The people, so many people were going to die. She couldn’t even register what the others were saying. She had failed humanity. The people she loved, the world she helped build, would be destroyed and the Eternals would be reset and blindly do it again. How is any of this real? How could they have all been so wrong? How had she been so wrong? Without a word, she got up.

“Y/N?” Sersi stops discussing possible ways to stop Tiamut’s emergence and calls for her. Y/N shakes her head and goes to the door. She ignores their protests and leaves.

“She’s coming back, right?” Sprite asks. “Right?”

“I hope so,” Sersi says.

As soon as Y/N steps outside she let her wings form and takes off. She flies until she has some semblance of signal and dials Steven’s number, she doesn’t even care if they answer, she’ll be happy to just hear their outgoing voicemail message. She tries to keep the emotion out of her voice as she speaks.

“Hey, sorry I haven’t called in a bit, things have been…..hectic. A lot of bombshells have been dropped and things just got much more complicated. I don’t want to bore you with the details, I’ll uh….tell you both all about it when I come back. Hey uh, when’s the last time you called your dad? Just think about it.”

She flies back towards Gilgamesh and Thena’s dwelling but stops. She decides to let it all out. She’s overwhelmed, she misses Steven and Marc, and everything she ever knew was a lie. Ajak had lied to all of them and deceived them because Arishem told her to. It was a betrayal, unlike anything she had felt before. She thought Ammit was the worst betrayal she’d ever had to face. She really had been wrong. She couldn’t feel anyone anywhere near her. So she screams. She screams so hard that it makes her throat hurt. She drops to her knees on the rocks and dirt. Her tears falling freely. She didn’t want her family to see her like this. Her love for humanity had always been her weakness. It’s why she had split her powers for Osiris. It’s why she left a small part of herself in London with Dane. It was why she would never have the full force of her powers in a fight. She knew at least some of the others judged her for it. She knew at least Ikaris thought it was a foolish thing to do. He thought it was a distraction. At the time Makkari and Druig had stood up for Y/N’s decision. Makkari had argued that Y/N was the only one that had to put her heart into her powers. Druig would point out that the things Phastos made didn’t take anything from him. Sersi could help them develop proper resources without sacrificing any of herself. Sprite left them with stories and memories of illusions beyond beauty, but she stayed whole. In the past Y/N had just created systems that humanity could imitate and continue. The Egyptian gods had thrown that all off. She had needed a new system and Phastos helped make it. Y/N missed them so very much.

Modern Egyptian Underworld

Osiris watches as the scales begin to shake and then begin to shift rapidly as if refusing to balance. He watched as the chains were strained as if under an unusually heavy weight. If the last unexplained movements had been from the shock of finding the leader of the Eternals dead, something must be very wrong with Ma'at. He tells Anubis to continue to keep watch and sends Taweret to fetch Isis. She would want to know. He would look into it himself. He opened the gates to the temple and again opened a path to where she was when she failed to enter Osiris sent his avatar. His avatar stepped into a land almost as barren as most of his own.

"There you are," the avatar said. "Osiris is getting impatient." She followed him through to the temple.

"Forgive me, my friend, I know I told you that you could always rely on my judgment but I just learned everything I know has been a lie."

"And who could lie so thoroughly to the goddess of truth?" Osiris asks.

"Arishem," she says sadly. "And Ajak, everything we thought we were working for, everything we have done. No wonder they made it so Eternals' hearts are hidden from me. They couldn't risk me knowing. We weren’t even born into this. We were built, forged. Made as we are. Forgive me for I have failed you all. We have failed humanity. We wanted humanity to thrive, to advance, in doing so we sealed their fate. Arishem revealed to Sersi that our job was to destroy the deviants so that humanity could advance until it could create enough energy to bring about the birth of a new celestial, but the cost of doing so is complete destruction of Earth and everything on it. Then after all we have worked for is turned to dust, the Eternals' minds are to be wiped clean and the process begins again." She dropped to her knees before him. "How many times have I done this? How many times have I been so wrong? How can truth and justice even matter if it all just builds to the death of so many innocent lives? Can this truly be their time? How can I have led so many to so-called justified condemnation while in fact condemning all of humanity? Khonshu was right, I was always a slave to Arishem. I have brought about the death of an infinite number of souls for a master that views them like insects to be exterminated. I am so sorry, I am no god. I am but a drone, a heartless drone." Tears fell freely as she weeps for the people so unknowingly close to destruction.

Osiris remained silent. Of all the souls he had judged, few had been as devastated as the Eternal before him. He didn't need to see the scales to know her feather would be weighted heavier than any heart it had seen. Not because she was truly bad but because she held herself to a different standard. She set the standard, her devastation weighed her very soul down farther than any punishment could.

"No heart weighs heavier than yours, feather. To bear the burden of so many is a burden even we cannot compare. But to feel that burden means you bear it honestly and with remorse. Humility and a willingness to change for the better are all one can hope for. You have always had your standards, yet you still judge yourself so harshly. You are still worthy of the field of reeds, but it is not your time, your scales will balance." He assures her and looks up as Isis and her avatar enter. They exchange a look and he retires back to the underworld.

"My sweet feather," the goddess begins through her avatar. You have given your heart to so many and been led so far astray, but your heart still beats for this world. Perhaps you and your family have spent too long in the shadows. Your eyes are open and your chains cannot be so strong that the Eternals would just give up. If there is one thing you have taught humanity it is that even the sands and the tides can be made to yield with enough effort. You have not lost yet, feather, do not lose heart. You gain nothing if you don't at least try."

Australia

Y/N steps out from the gates as the path to the tunnel vanishes behind her. She is met by Ikaris.

"You really think running off to your gods is a smart move right now?" Ikaris asks, his annoyance clear in his tone. "You waste time we don't have."

"It may not bother you knowing the innumerable amount of people you have unknowingly misled, but you cannot begin to understand how that feels to someone tasked with deciding the standards of truth for thousands, if not millions of years. You cannot possibly know how unbelievably shattered my heart is. They relied on me and I failed them. You may not care about the gods, and you may have no faith in them, but they did have faith in us. They still do."

It wasn't until she found herself wrapped in Thena's arms that she lets herself be comforted.

"It is not a burden you bear alone," Thena says.

"Isis believes we can still fix this," Y/N tells her.

"She is right, we are not giving up," Sersi says. "We need to find Druig."

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trans-axolotl · 1 year

Text

for ocd anon

hey anon 💜

Thank you for trusting me with your experiences, anon. I do totally get what you mean about how trying to talk about this with people can make the thoughts worse--it was the same for me for a long while, and I remember how I felt really shitty and trapped even when I wanted to talk to other people about it. It can feel so complicated when the thoughts got in the way of talking to people who I trusted, and it made it really difficult to communicate or connect with them in the moments. I'm really glad that you do have your partner in your life and that she's someone who makes you feel so seen. I can tell how much you care about her--it definitely comes through in the way you write about her and the moments you two share together. And I know how tough it can be when you and your loved ones are trying to support each other through mental illness, and also just having to navigate all the other things that come from growing up and not having the resources or the life experience to always know exactly what to do or how to go forward. But I'm glad that you have each other.

What you said in your ask about seeking for a lighthouse really resonated with me. When everything is so overwhelming and feels all-consuming, I remember really just wishing I could just wake up and have it all be better, or at least know what to do next so I could stop feeling so lost. You talked about the feeling of miasmic wrongness, and I really do know what you mean. I remember just feeling so completely wrong and panicked and I don't even really have the words to describe that very vivid feeling, but I remember it. And I want to validate that all your feelings about this are very understandable and that you are so allowed to feel upset and angry and sad about all of this--it's a lot to deal with! You're doing so well every day you survive through this and wake up and try to cope, even despite it all. The memories you share with me about going on camping trips, spending time with family, your hobbies show me how you do have these important things in your life that you value and things that you want to hold onto for your future.

I wish I did have a more clear path that could offer you that certainty. Sometimes it sucks how the way out of + through things is messy, complicated, not a straight line--it's hard to trust or believe that in the moment. The only lighthouse I know how to offer you is that when I was 15, I was going through something incredibly similar to you, and today, my obsessive thoughts show up only every couple months, and they are tolerable now. I have another friend with OCD who lives a very full life, even with the thoughts--they have redefined their relationship with their obsessions in a way that brings them much less distress. I don't have any certain promises I can make to you, but I do want you to know that I know quite a lot of people with OCD who have felt the depths of this pain and came out through it in ways unique to them that let them still have those moments of joy. That staying alive brings with it the possibility of moving through the panic + the feelings of wrongness + coexisting in that space long enough to figure out how to get through it in a way that hurts less. We didn't all make it back to exactly who we were before, but we found new ways of being that still felt like parts of us.

What worked for each one of us was different (and if any mutuals/followers with OCD have specific non triggering things they want to share, feel free to add in the replies.) Several people I know found really good therapists, a lot of us got out of stressful environments, some people tried meds, or found techniques like the worksheets I shared that helped get through the day. I don't share any of this to overwhelm you or make you feel ashamed if those things aren't accessible right now, because I 100% get that it isn't as easy as just deciding to try something and suddenly being able to do that.

Last thing I want to share tonight is just one last suggestion, but please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't feel applicable to you or accessible. Back to the topic of how to access support in your real life to help you get through this + find a lighthouse, I wonder if your partner is someone who could help communicate with other people for you. I know you mentioned that she is someone who you feel closer and can sometimes talk to more and why you can't talk with family rn, and I wonder if she would be able to like, send an email to someone in your life like reaching out to your parents or a counselor if that's what you want to explore options for help irl. Obviously I don't know every detail of your situation and I know all of this is really difficult, but I just wanted to mention it to see if that would be feasible at all.

Know that I'm rooting for you, anon, that I hear what you're going through and that I'm sorry that you've been having to live with this amount of stress and loss for so many months.

I also want to give you a heads up that I'm traveling out of town this week and I'm going to have a lot less access to my laptop since my schedule is pretty chaotic. I might not be able to respond until Monday next week, but please feel free to keep sending in asks if it's helpful-my inbox is always open to you and I'm here to listen. If you need an urgent response, Trans lifeline and Thrive lifeline (text based) can be there for you.

Truly wishing the best for you anon 💜💜💜

#ocd #intrusive thoughts tw #suicide tw #also anon nothing you've said in any of your asks has upset or offended me #im also autistic and i got what u meant <3 #obsessive thoughts tw

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gale-in-space · 1 year

Text

Ignore

Just stream of consciousness things (tw for like, everything, I'm so fucking mentally ill lol)

It's been three years since I've been hospitalized and I think I might need to go back

I don't want to go back. Being there just made me want to kill myself even more. Bare white walls, no phone/internet, uncomfortable bed, no outside time, minimal outside contact, no personal belongings (they wouldn't let me keep my pencils or pens), etc. I was stripped of all my humanness and I isolated all day, for every day that I was there. The food was terrible. I couldn't sleep because every 15 minutes the nurse would open the door and check on me to make sure I was still alive. I was a complete zombie and I cried every day.

I don't want to go back.

But I feel like I am so close to the end of my rope. I hate my art. It makes me angry and sad because I can't create anything beautiful or worth being looked at. And no one cares about it either. Especially the people that matter the most, like my mom. She wanted me to be a musician or a therapist. I'm going to pre-med instead after wasting four years on a degree that everyone on the internet hates.

She doesn't think I'll ever be a doctor.

(I don't think I'll ever be a doctor, either, but it's a nice thought).

I see a therapist but I just lie to her all the time. I lie about having DID. I lie about the things that get me excited. I lie that I'm doing okay because I don't want her to commit me again. I'm not doing okay

The only things that keep me alive are knowing how fucking selfish I'd be for following through. My family would be devastated, but honestly, I don't really care what they think. My partners would be so traumatized, and I do care what they think. But they can't help me. They try so hard. Everyone has tried so hard. No one can fucking help me

I don't belong here, probably. I've never really fit in and I've always been an outcast. I don't like people, and I don't have friends. If I could die alone in space I think that would be okay. I think that would be very fitting (and hey, at least I'd be in space).

I'm posting this because I need to get it out. I can't just say this to people, I can't talk to people and let them know how I'm really feeling, because I just break down and lose the ability to verbalize my thoughts otherwise. And they are not equipped to handle that, it is not their responsibility to handle that. So if I post this people can just ignore it and move on, and I'll keep the feelings right here, contained.

I'm sorry for all of this. I'm so rambly and I make people so uncomfortable. And that's why I need to go, I think, but honestly I don't have the courage to do it. Cowardice is the other thing holding me back - cowardice and the fear of being selfish. I can't go through with it, and so other people have to suffer through dealing with me.

This is embarrassing. I really hope no one is fucking reading this, because holy shit, it's embarrassing. Part of me likes living under the illusion that if I post this as a cry for help, someone will come and console me, but the other half of me recoils just thinking about that. I don't want to be a burden on people. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I just want to fade into the ether and never bother anyone again.

I don't know.

Yeah.

#d0n-t rb #um. anyways #idk #i'm sorry #oh you know what the worst part about going on t is?#i was never really a crier #but i can't cry for fucking shit these days #if i'm lucky i manage a single tear #i'm like. aching for that release #it's made me so emotionally stunted i can't stand it #hahahaahahaha anyways. ignore me #tbd

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ayliffe · 1 year

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bitching about how people sometimes discuss relationships on here. readmore because this post is going to be so so annoying (plus depictions of emotional manipulation? maybe?)

i understand why people are speaking out against the ?transactionalisation of relationships, and i get it — it’s cold to shut down a friend because you personally can’t be bothered to deal with their feeling kind of sad or whatever; it’s cold not to help ease another person’s suffering in the name of “setting healthy boundaries”. behaviour like that is symptomatic of some sort of problem.

but i do have a problem. i’ve always had difficulties setting boundaries, and many times that’s turned into trying to support someone who needed more help than i could possibly give, to both our detriments. presumably, this isn’t what all these posts decrying what the concept of emotional labour has become are about, but i’m always left to wonder what the right thing to do in situations like that is. are boundaries important until they aren’t? does true friendship necessitate talking someone out of suicide every other night, even as your own mental health slips?

because they don’t want to talk to anyone else about it. they chose you. they trust you. and it’s not like they’ve said they’ll harm themselves if you fuck off — in fact, they’ve said they’ll understand if you abandon them because they know they’re too much — but the suggestion is there from the subject and the mere fact that you’re the only one they feel they can talk to about any of it.

and obviously this isn’t the majority of relationships, and i assume this isn’t what’s meant by letting your friends discuss their trauma — but because it’s been a pattern with some of my relationships, when someone starts talking about anything too heavy too often, i’m immediately on edge. i don’t shut them down, but i’m on edge. and i really don’t know what to do about that. i have no interest in sanitising my relationships, but i also don’t want to be sucked into yet another one of… whatever the paragraph above was.

the ideal solution would be to learn to set boundaries — except when does it become appropriate to set boundaries? when does it stop being selfish and cruel? i see comments to the effect of “you can’t set boundaries with other people just to save yourself from being inconvenienced: in any relationship, you are going to be inconvenienced, because that’s what relationships are about” and sure! i get that! and of course there’s a difference between being inconvenienced and being taken advantage of.

i’ve said “i assume” a lot in this post. i want to give people pushing back against setting boundaries for one’s own convenience the benefit of the doubt, because i know my own experiences are colouring how i’m perceiving messages like that.

the thing is, though, tumblr being The Mental Illness Site, i wonder if actually, some of these messages are referring to cases like the one i describe. i’ve seen… jokes? relatable posts? about how everyone here has had to talk their best friends out of suicide as teenagers, and clearly i’m no stranger to doing that. but if that’s the case, if we are including situations like that… why? being repeatedly asked to do something like that shouldn’t be considered part of a healthy relationship, especially for someone who likely doesn’t have the tools to be able to help, and certainly not to be able to do so regularly. all it does is harm both participants.

but of course, that’s just speculation. i’ve been burnt by not setting boundaries, so now i’m overly wary about messages like that. i get annoyed by people making clearly unrelated things about their own issues, and here i am likely doing the same (hence making my own post about this rather than adding commentary to one of the ones i’m complaining about), it’s just… yeah.

tl;dr: don’t love seeing posts implying setting boundaries hurts relationships!

#heartless bitch hour with hugh

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obscenity · 2 years

Note

⛧ ; hiihi

thank you for your response, again! do you have any favorite things about being schizoid or ones that you consider positive?

also, do have any views on szpd in the sense of it being a disorder and all that? i find it interesting because it's technically considered among the Serious Mental IllnessesTM and personality disorders (the latter of which makes sense but i wouldn't be surprised if people with other pds find it much harder to deal with theirs) but i don't really perceive my experiences as.... suffering? ill? or the like? perhaps it's because some other pds tend to come with intense emotions and i'm just. dissociated all the time pfff. the way i am feels normal to me, even if neurotypicals would consider schizoids very confusing or hard to understand or abnormal in general. though then again i have this sorta mindset that suffering and pain = negative emotions that are felt, like sadness or anger. not Nothing. emptiness isn't negative if you compare it to feeling upset. sure, there's supposed to be fullness, perhaps, but i don't view it that way aha. but regardless it's funny when you're neurodivergent with little awareness about others no matter what your neurodivergence is, because i can't comprehend neurotypicals are unlike me and that i'm supposed to be the weird one. i've always called them aliens instead aha. i'm perfectly normal To Me, so what're the weirdo neurotypicals on about? (/joke but also i do think that way.) i figure it's just interesting to think about.

hiiiiii again sorry it took me so long to answer this time ive been busy being insane (playing tower of fantasy)

anyways . for me it really depends on the day. sometimes i have a lot of fun just reveling in my space and existing with entirely 0 responsibilities and obligations from other people. its very nice. i like to imagine a future in which i continue to exist as i am now (doing absolutely nothing. at least for another 2 weeks before i have 2 start college) and i dont find myself upset by it. i dont find myself being sad or feeling lonely if i continue living in my own little world where no one is ever allowed in. im not overly upset at the possibility i might just be single for the rest of my life. im content to coast through life feeling very little. though like i said, it depends on the day. sometimes i get really mad at myself (im angry more often than sad) and wonder why i cant just be "normal". and why its so hard for me to just talk to people. its an uphill battle just to remain in peoples lives. its very difficult for me because i rarely, if ever, am the one to reach out first or message people first. i just dont, im often not thinking about other people for long enough to want to text first. which obviously means most other people take this as a sign of me not being interested. which isnt always the case with me. i just dont like being the person to do it. im terrible at putting effort into relationships because it just feels so ... hard. and not worth the fight to keep someone in my life. i often think things like "if they really wanted to stay, they would have" when i drift apart from people. of course i know relationships have to go both ways, realistically i know one person cant just always put in the effort. but the little schizoid devil that sits on my shoulder tells me otherwise. (if you were wondering the angel would also be the schizoid. ie the euphoria of cancelling plans and avoiding social situations)

i do consider it a disorder (because my nothing is in equal parts enjoyable as it is suffering) but youre right in that it just does feel very normal to me. ill probably never go to therapy for it, as its not something thats so debilitating to me that i need "fixed". theres nothing to really fix, i think this is just how i am. im not really interested in putting allthe effort in to make myself "normal" when i have no problem with myself in the first place. and i dont really consider myself abnormal, i dont really care honestly. i dont care if people think im a creep... or that im a weirdo.... or a freakazoid or whatever. im too busy having a superiority complex anyways

#i think i got a little off track on this one mybad .#asks #⛧ anon #long post

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mosalahd · 2 years

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Who are your favourite drivers and why?

oh. oh wow. ok,, this is gonna be LONG my absolute favourite favourite drivers, apples of my eye, loml, are valtteri and lewis, and i've written a 1000 word explanation as to why bc i'm mentally ill (: <3

with valtteri, it was love at first sight pretty much. when i watched my first race, he was the first driver to really stand out to me and i can't really explain why? maybe it's bc before i knew anything about f1 i knew who lewis hamilton was, and finding out that lewis had this almost "forgotten" teammate intrigued me and i became invested in finding out more about him? anyways since that one race i just fell down a rabbit hole and now i have so many reasons i love him like: - he is the most generic scandinavian man but also the most specialest little man and i can't really explain it but he just,, he has the standard scandinavian awkward but sweet underneath and idk he feels like home?? like he feels...familiar? - he is so considerate and always looking out for the people around him even at the expense of his own wants/needs, whether it be in obvious or more subtle ways. he's honestly the definiton of a perfect teammate both for lewis and for guanyu - how he's so open to talk about his mental health and his own bad times which is so important!! mental health is often ignored or stigmatised, esp when it comes to men's mental health, so seeing him be open about it and encouraging others to do the same and to take care of themselves makes me so <3333 - resilience!! now that he's in alfa romeo people love to act like he was always loved and appreciated, but i remember during his merc days how common it was for the entire fandom to just shit talk him for no reason at all? like people would call him lewis' dog, joke about him getting team ordered, never properly acknowledging any of the things he's accomplished (LIKE HELLO HE HAS A Q3 STREAK THAT'S ONLY BESTED BY PROST AND SENNA???). as if being the teammate of one of the greatest drivers of all time wasn't difficult enough, the fandom sure as hell did not make it easier for him and it made me so sad to see because he was always doing his best? like yeah, he's no lewis hamilton, but also, nobody but lewis is like lewis. valtteri was never really given a chance to be his own person w/o being compared to others (lewis/nico) but he still pushed through. it would have been so easy for him to let the negativity and hate get to him, succumb to resentment and turn against the lewis + merc, but he didn't, and that speaks volumes. obv he had his dark times and he had his doubts but in the end he always rose above it and i respect that so much - also he's an unbothered king who just wants to have his ass out in the breeze

now with lewis! i knew about him before i got into the sport bc i read an article about him, his success and his activism. but the thing that really got me was when i found out that he, like me, is mixed caribbean/european. he embodies the kind of representation i've been seeking and craving since i was a little kid, and i resonate so much with him. to be more specific about what i love ab him: - the fact that he doesn't shy away from where he's from, and continues being proud of his heritage means the world to me. a lot of mixed people feel the need to hide parts of themselves (usually the non-white parts) and seeing how sure he is of himself actually helps me deal with my own constant mixed kid identity crises - his passion and curiosity for all things creative. he wants to try everything and he will try everything and i love that bc i'm the saaame - how willing he is to learn from/listen to others and just, his general open mindedness and how considerate he is of others. that he always highlights the major issues going on in the world, whether it's in the country they're racing or somewhere else, just the fact that he actually takes the time to learn about others and their struggles and always makes sure that they feel seen and heard - (again) sheer resilience!! the fact that he's one of the most succesful drivers OF ALL TIME but has had his entire career continuously undermined bc of the color of his skin but he still has the power to brush it off and keep STUNTING ON THESE HOES. like just the fact that he went through the shitshow that was abu dhabi, went quiet for two months, and then came back all "i'm fine guys :)" is so fucking admirable. if it was me i'd be out for BLOOD. and that's just ONE incident amongst too many to count - his aforementioned activism work is so important and so impressive. i often think about that time he said that he's had all this success and accomplished all these things but that that won't matter unless he can manage to enforce actual change within the sport and make sure more people are given the opportunity to achieve their dreams. he is so much bigger than the sport and does his best make a positive impact and i WISH more people could see how important he and his work is. ALSO the way these two interact/treat each other is an additional reason i love them, they have so much unabashed adoration and appreciation for each other and i LOVE to see it. nothing, and i mean NOTHING, gets me going more than the beautiful marriage friendship these two have. k i'm done now. thanks for coming to my ted talk, etc. also sorry anon you probably didn't want a 1000 word essay but here we are

#dear anon you have OPENED THE FLOODGATES #all this time i've been trying to stay lowkey or w/e #about to expose myself #m.ask

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fleshmechsystem · 3 months

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Usually I wouldn't really write a tumblr blog as I try to deal with my thoughts on my own and often push them aside but, I feel the need to write this out.

I have had an odd week to say the least, I temporarily dated someone new again only for me to end it in hopes that it wouldn't hurt the person in the other side for feeling numb as they put it.

It was definitely an infatuation for both our sides but doing that did hurt. The relationship was definitely sexual. But in the end we're still in good terms since I do enjoy them nerding out on their favorite games and other things we got along with in the first place, besides I could still love a person without it being romantic necessarily, although it did still hurt a little bit.

I already mentioned this venting somewhere but I or at least a splitted part of myself if I can recall basically try to push the feeling aside and ignore it, saying something like "I'm repeating the same mistakes Cal made, I'm a moron for writing a wall of text" of course it's still me, completely unaware about what I'm currently feeling.

I'm aware one of my if I could even call them that anymore "friends" might read this and to that I'd say this was the reason I probably asked about Cal's previous mental state.

There's also the fact I feel this cold feeling from everyone else. I act like I'm familiar with these people but in reality is that I'm merely living with transfered memories. I know you're reading this, I can assure you I don't blame you for feeling awful that Cal will never come back. They won't.

Even if their memories begin to plague me. Although there are positives about having someone else's or previous versions of myself before the fusion happened, I remember my childhood memories with my sister within the system. As you know Max was a part of me as well. At least the base making up the fusion. It's where I got my tenacity and patience from. I'm often determined and stubborn as well.

Those memories are pleasant, despite the one memory of hearing my parents argue downstairs which caused me to feel upset.

I accept that whatever sadness there is to my situation is only a small problem. I know in the future I will be able to move on and live as myself, Patch.

I'll try to remember Max's memories instead of Cal's because it seems to always bring a positive reaction out of me. Sometimes I still do talk to my supposed sister even if I'm technically a different person and a girl now.

Despite not being familiar with the concept of transger related things about myself, she quickly picked up on it while I educated her. I do enjoy the occasional moments I see her.

It's odd that I feel indifferent to the vessel's sister on the outside compared to my sister within but I do see them as an acquittance like any other person Cal knew quite honestly. The parents seem nice but I feel a sense of not trusting them. I refuse to read any of Cal's old post, it might bring back bad memories if I did.

I know it will get better, I've lived through a stressful week before and this is just a simple one. For awhile I was having issues with my emotions, currently I still am as I experienced feeling ill due to how overwhelming fusing and unfusing became earlier.

I had to explain I was feeling a sort of mental pain but it quickly started to manifest physically as the others had to assist me partially just to get me home.

I feel disconnected from everyone right now in a literal sense. Even Riley. I wouldn't say this is a curse, this is definitely just depression which I will take seriously.

As much as I want to be honest with my feelings. I just want support and care. I don't like the cold feeling I get from people even if I did at one point hinted that I might be a sociopath, psychopath or just nuerodivergent and unable to properly feel anything, it's probably just disassociation to stress and trying to cope with it.

In the end I do have hopes that this will get better. But I'm not sure about the old relationships Cal has built throughout their life.

I feel the need to just leave these people behind and move on, but I don't want to be lonely. I thrive from being surrounded by other people and feeling alone is a nightmare... Please don't leave me.

I know this is just a rambling of a headmate as per usual but I haven't had the time to properly express this pain.

It will end, I'm hopeful it will but right now it hurts. All of it.

-Patch

#blog #plurality #vent post

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