Just because you can't do something, or a lot of things, it doesn't make you worthless.
We hear the expression, "never say can't!". I grew up with this and my parents drilled it into me to never say "can't". They didn't want me to set limitations for myself, put doubt in my mind, and not be able to accomplish what I set out to do.
But guess what? I realized that sometimes we just can't do something. Whether it's physical or mental, sometimes we're just unable to do it.
AND THAT'S OK.
Not being able to do something doesn't make you any less of a person.
Whoever out there needs to hear this, you are valued even if you can't accomplish what you set out to do. You are worth it if you can no longer do a lot of things.
You are valued even when you can't.
a blow to the head at age 29, a decade defined
(I’ve been having thoughts about aging, and healing, and living with a disability - this attempted poem is the result.)
[ID: A poem with art to accompany the stanzas, shown over six images. The art is simple black line art with the exception of the last picture, and the stanzas of the poem are hand written beside each drawing.
today I am 33
the three years I have dwelt in this decade of my life
have been spent healing
The accompanying art shows a line drawing of the back of my head and shoulders. One of my hands comes up to clasp the back of my neck
rehab shouldn’t take years, but it does.
the unraveled brain takes time to heal
The art shows my hand holding up a convergence visual therapy exercise, which is a small card with two black circles on it, each with another smaller black circle inside it, labeled A and B.
to knit neural pathways back together
forge other paths anew
The accompanying art shows a brain, with maze-like straight lines inside of it, that all originate from a single dot. A spiral surrounds the brain.
no one thought it would take this long.
The art shows a pocket watch and chain, lying open so the watch face is visible.
but I am finding myself, finding new ways of living
bask in the sunlight, breathe the air of contentment into my lungs
The art is of a windowsill full of potted plants, many of which are succulents. Some grow up the window, reaching for the sun.
my brain is not yet done
and neither am I
I wonder who I will be
in another three years.
The accompanying art shows my hand, holding a single yellow dandelion. The dandelion and its stem are the only spots of colour throughout the entire piece.
The artist’s signature reads hg 2022. End ID.]
As someone with a traumatic brain injury, the idea of this kind of sigil existing is incredibly comforting.
TW// head trama, medication, weight.
There's a really simple explanation for why the Omnitrix doesn't work that great for Ben. that also explains
why he loves smoothies
why he can't focus
why he's so small as a teenager compared to how buff and tall he is as ben1000 (even if you hc him as trans this explanation still fits)
why he still has rubber sheets at age 11 (though that might of just been in omniverse as a joke, and it is normal for some kids to still wet the bed at that age it can so be a sign of physical/emotional trama. which makes sense considering being a child hero and getting beat up constantly was probably tarmatic)
so the first part of the theory is just that the watch is a bad design, and in the original Ben mostly has issues with it bc he's literally a child.
it's kind of alot to expect him to learn all the different aliens when he doesn't even know what they are at first, and he doesn't have time to get a good look at himself when he transformers.
so he has to look at this tiny glowing screen, with this black image in it. causing eye strain for sure. (pluse that big flash of light! yikes!)
that combined with Ben getting thrown around so much and the Tennysons always being on the move in the original I'm pretty sure that Ben got a concussion at some point, possible more than one and was never able to fully rest/recover from it. starting a trend of eyestrain and migraines.
(also he doesn't exactly have alot of time to look before slapping the watch in most fights to begin with)
in Alien force Ben gets to see a 3D model of the aliens which is better. the only improvement tbh.
they're still monochrome and Ben's still looking into basically a flashlight on his wrist.
by now I'm sure Ben's been diagnosed and is being treated for post concussion syndrome.
based on my own experience they probably have him toprimate or something simmialr.
the side effects making him not be able to taste soda and have digestive issues (both of these cured by smoothies!)
and also preventing him form gaining weight or bulking up. or atleast making it very hard to. (weight lose is a side effect unfortunately)
it would also make him clumsy too.
by omniverse Ben has even more signs if head trama. and the watch design took away the one thing it had going for it.
so now Ben has to go off of the faces of his aliens, who he barly gets to see outside of fighting. It's also VERY likely he has face blindness by this point form multiple injuries.
he's more fidgety, has a hard time with words and had a hard time paying attention as if he had brain fog.
once he switches to a different medication (bc they usually either have to keep upping the dose or switch you eventually) Ben would have different side effects, explaining why he would have a later growth spurt and gain weight and get buff later in life.
all of these are things I struggle with personally as someone who's has multiple concussions form a young age. (my first big head Injury was when I was 2 years old and I have a scar from it)
sure sometimes the watch glitches bc Ben overloaded it or broke it, but I do think that part of it is bc asmuth is ableist and has a superiority complex. BC alot of Ben's struggles could be avoid (and are in the future) if asmuth would just give him access to the voice command option. it would make the watch much more accessable and user friendly. but we're supposed to believe that Ben has to somehow earn it?? when its literally an accomodation he could benefit from and isn't even that over powered. I think asmuth just doesn't want to admit the watch was a bad design.
anyway this is mostly me projecting. bc I had to give up soda in order to be able to look at screens and one of the few things I have experience in is head trama. so now I drink a ton of smoothies.
also I think if someone, especially someone who's disabled/nurodivergent is consistently having issues with your invention at some point that's not just user error, your design is bad.
(was some of it user error, yea. but not all of it)
when I say 'I get through a pack a day' THIS is what I mean
they don't even work most of the time
I have the best fc leader, or, A Flash Effects Guide to Aglaia
Y’all. I just need to brag on my fc leader @kh-terra for a sec.
I love ffxiv, obviously, but I’ve struggled since I started playing last year because of the flash effects-- especially the ones on raid bosses. (Eternal gratitude to the devs for the pvp fx toggle! Please please please please add one for bosses and mobs?) I have postconcussive syndrome, and flashing/strobing lights give me really bad migraines. I use a red filter and a pair of special glasses which help a ton, but in all love, ffxiv can really go overboard on the flashing lights in raids. This especially means that new raids, where I don’t know when to shut my eyes, can be especially challenging for me.
If you’re curious, what happens when I take a flash to the face is I instantly become stunned/disoriented/dizzy/nauseous for about 6-10 seconds, have difficulty stringing thoughts together, half the time I forget what my controller is for, and have migraines for several days straight. It hurts, and it’s really difficult to do even rotations I have in muscle memory. If the light strobes, it compounds on itself and gets worse and lasts longer. Obviously, want to avoid the side effects as much as possible.
SO knowing this, I asked my fc to take me on a field trip to Aglaia and call the mechs on voice so that I can play with my eyes shut as needed. They’re taking me this evening because they’re literally the greatest. And my fc leader went above and beyond and LITERALLY MADE ME A PLAY-BY-PLAY FLASH FX GUIDE TO AGLAIA. He’s letting me share it here in case it helps anyone else :3
In conclusion, @kh-terra is the best and I’m lucky as heck to play with this group of folx :3
Submitting the theory that Colin played poorly in Season 2 (the wide shot on net during training, being benched during a game, Jan telling him straight-up that he sucked) because he's suffering from Post Concussion Syndrome.
Symptoms can include:
Loss of concentration and memory
“With everything you’ve achieved, you’re not really disabled.”
- My fucking therapist
I dont think I've anything too bad to warrant my name in all caps, but if tumblr says it likes it better then who am I to argue lol. And listen I'm just concerned ever since the concussion, I never realized concussions had effects that lasted that long. Glad you're okay though!
I vaguely knew they were more debilitating than most people assumed, but it was still surprising.
I actually found out less than a year before I hit my head that one of my old professors had been bumped on the head by the trunk lid of her car and was unable to work for one or two semesters after that!
And prior to that, I was at an art school gallery where someone had made a photography graduation project about concussions after having had to deal with one. In addition to the portraits of people who had dealt with concussions, they had interviewed their subjects and hung up these personal stories too - lots of people ended up with depression, anxiety, or excessive anger, as well as headaches, nausea, and memory problems, and some even experienced that seemingly fantastical phenomenon of losing their memories only to regain them years later when they suffered a second brain injury!
That last one was the most sensational, but it was really all the others that were the most revelatory - how much pressure there was to resume normal functioning, and how difficult it was, and the secondary emotional repercussions of that. It was so fascinating, I stood at that display for a long time reading it all.
It sounded so much like the problem of dealing with a mental illness, but it was a mental injury. Not caused by chemical imbalances, it couldn't even be treated fully with any medication. Not caused by experiences, it couldn't be treated fully with talk therapy. The whole point of the project was that we all seriously underestimate what a "concussion" actually is, thinking it's just having a bad headache for a couple weeks, and boy was it a trip to later experience the difference for myself.
i have a headache. my life is a headache. is it a headache or a migraine? my eye feels like it's gonna pop out. am i dehydrated? maybe i'll chug some water. i want to take medicine. i am simultaneously hungry and nauseous. i need to eat to take the medicine or it will make the nausea worse. should i try these weird herbs my sil gave me or just take asprin? i'm holding a bag of ice to my forehead. all my screens are yellow. my head is down at work and i hope nobody thinks i'm sleeping. i have to go to the bathroom but i'm holding it because i'm worried being in the bathroom will make me throw up. where's the nearest dispensary? maybe i should go on my lunch break. i need to make sure i microdose the edibles so it takes away the headache but i'm not high at work. maybe i'll just wear sunglasses to filter the brightness. maybe i'll just suffer and not do anything.
A trope I wish there was more content for:
Concussions and post concussion syndrome
Is there plenty of content depending on where you are? Yes. Do I still want more content? Yes
Maybe I'm a bit biased from experiences, but there is SO much whump potential that gives me all the whumperflies. The impact itself and it's immediate affects have enough structure to know what to write, but with enough variety of symptoms you can really personalize to your characters and (often writing) style. What I really think is underutilized is how long some of those effects lingers and post concussive syndrome. The full body fogginess, pain, sensitivity, insert your favorite symptom here, can last for days, weeks, some never fully leaving. Giving light to a character feeling the effects of a head injury beyond just those first couple hours and giving the aftercare and extended vulnerability is just a wonderful thing. A head injury isn't like, say, an ankle injury. It's not concentrated, area specific whump the same way, and instead (especially in the first few days) can even be treated closer to a sickfic scenario.
I just think concussions are an amazing trope and it's effects beyond the first couple hours are something I would adore more content for!
You know what I find tough about having a chronic illness? When people say I haven't tried enough treatments or am not trying hard enough to get better. The constant drilling me down saying maybe I'd get better if I tried this or my unwillingness to try is why I'm not getting better, is really hard to cope with.
You know what I think?
Waking up and getting out of bed is enough.
Managing to shower one day is enough.
Crying through the pain but surviving is enough.
Knowing my own limits is enough.
Having the strength to keep going is enough.
Being who I am is enough.
I am doing enough and am handling more than I know most people could.
For those of you out there who feel like you are inadequate, I'm here to tell you that you're more than enough. You are the strongest person I know.
4 concussions later and i’m simply only a shell of who i once was
I really want to talk more about my Ben having post concussion syndrome theroy/AU. and give it kind of a more clear timeline. even if that means talking into the void.
So, as much as I love max. It's partly his fault since Ben was under his care when he got the Omnitrix, and that first summer there's no way Ben had time to properly rest and recover from anything.
so Ben gets back home and suddenly he's dealing with night terrors, migraines, irritability, (CPTSD like symptoms too) can't focus, dizziness, and problems with concentration.
since Ben keeps fighting aliens until he gets the watch off probably for another year or atleast a few months he likely gets multiple concussions.
in my experience the combination of having multiple concussions and never being allowed to take time off to recover properly especially from more intense ones causes alot of the symptoms to be permeant, sometimes things like stress or too much new information to process make it worse. making school extramly difficult even though I use to have almost a photographic memory like Ben.
Ben gets the watch off but continues to struggle and eventually gets on migraines meds that have alot of side effects, preventing him form gaining weight bc of stomach issues or tasting soda. causing him to switch to smoothies to mask both of them.
then by omniverse he's put on a higher dose, or it's not working as well. he's also had more concussions since starting his treatment and that complicates things. Rook doesn't know about how bens battles have effected his health, that Ben isn't saying words wrong or forgetting things because he doesn't care he does care but between the damage the side effects it's hard. He wants to listen to rook he just can't sometimes it's too overwhelming, so is trying to plan things. that's why he runs in to save the day it's the only way his brain really gets the job done.
Eventually I want to say Ben does tell rook, or he learns more details about what Ben's struggling with from talking to Gwen and Kevin or one of the other Tennysons. Maybe after Ben tries a new medication and gets sick from it. Ben's surprised it's not in his plumber file, but it wouldn't be it would be in his medical records. (I might be planning some fics based on this)
after omniverse I headcannon that he would ask Gwen for help, or look for more advanced medical care then what's offered on earth since using the Omnitrix is making his migraines worse bc of the green light.
eventually he gets switched to a different medication, or finds a new treatment that helps and is able to talk asmuth into giving him voice command and other accomodations to make the watch more accessable. since the way he uses the watch as ben1000 is completely different and much more user friendly.
obviously concussions and medication effect everyone differently. I'm just going off of my own experience. I've had multiple pretty bad head Injuries, and recently started drinking alot of smoothies (bc I can't taste soda or energy drinks anymore) I remember thinking "this feels familiar" and then I remembered Ben.
everyone with this condition struggles with different symptoms from mild to sever ranging from a few weeks to life long. in my case I'm dealing with some pretty bad life long consequences. I never expected Ben to become a comfort charater for this, since he definitely wasn't my favorite before but here I am and here we are. Ben making me feel less alone and less alienated lol.
thinking about how shit post concussion syndrome is and how hits to the head are a common thing in a lot of media and most of the time the characters don't suffer any consequences for it and how they're contributing to lack of awareness around this fucking thing
Roy/Jamie & Team: That crazy business man buts a hit out on Sam for rejecting him. One night in the parking lot the hitman shoots at Sam only something knock Sam aside. When Sam looks he is horrified to see Jamie laying beside him with blood pouring from his head. The hitman tries to flee but some of the other players see him and give chase. Roy, Ted, and Beard come running. The bullet only grazed Jamie's head but he is unconscious for days after. Sam is beside himself alongside Roy.
And Jamie develops post concussion syndrome woobies with a bunch of symptoms Headaches, Dizziness, Fatigue, Irritability, Anxiety, Insomnia, Loss of concentration and memory, Ringing in the ears, Blurry vision, Noise and light sensitivity. And he's super happy Sam is okay, but he's pissed and annoyed because his head is off and he's benched for the foreseeable future and he's 'life might as well be over' (Roy: Oi, you're life is not over you idiot. You can play when you start seeing things straight again and are medically cleared. We're not writing you off yet, Tartt. You fucking hearing me?) and because his brain is fucked up and and it's making him more irritable and emotional and irrational. Ted is supportive and gives good Ted hugs, especially when Jamie's head is hurting like someone's performing an orchestra in his head and Ray's a surly not-nurse who force feeds Jamie pain pills when Jamie's being too stubborn or a irritably-pained prick to do it himself.
And the team are fantastic - Dani lets him rest his head in his lap and messages his scalp, Will likes to put cool compresses on his head, Jan Mass and Colin research techniques to help vertigo, Isaac quietly whisper-yells when he needs to, 'sit your arse down before you fall down', and Sam, feeling guilty, promises his soul to Jamie and tells him 'he'll do anything that Jamie wants if it will help his head'. Jamie nearly takes him up on the offer too, until Roy steps in and tells him 'Oi, don't fucking manipulate his guilt-feelings for your own fucking benefit' so he settles for Sam bringing him guilt-ridden cookies instead (because annoyingly 'yay for me, every day is cheat day, init mate?')
Having adhd autism and pcs is like the ultimate horror. I have to wear headphones to block out noise but I have to have music playing in them to focus but the pressure from the headphones and loud music makes me unable to wear them longer than an hour and also I can't read with all 3
Dull aching chipping away
At my soul all my hope
Pain consumes and clouds
Sounds echo menacingly
Pounding not your head nor your heart
Your very being quakes with pulses of pain
It gets dark then bright
My legs tremble my hands shake
Each breath feels empty
My blood feels lifeless pumping exhaustion
My mind is set and sure
My thoughts blurred but determined
No relief exists but in short bursts
Warmth temporarily fills my bones
Until the smoke clears
The meds cut out
The drowning ensues
You plead beg and barter
With your body, your sanity
“Just let me enjoy this moment”
Relentless though you try
So forward you trudge on
No idea where you are bound
Knowing you are bound
Soul tied to this battered frame
Ignite my stardust
Rekindle my flame
I fear I might just burn out