#sleep dep

[twilight-resonance]

Obstacle Course

This is a post about my brain. That's what you were here for, wasn't it? Well, whether or not it was, that's what I'm here for ultimately, so that's what you get.

Dude, sometimes my brain feels like a fuckin' obstacle course. I was sort-of parsing through how I might describe to someone the way that my brain works - or rather, I was actually parsing through how I might describe how my sleep works, and that's intimately connected with how my brain works. Always has been, always has been.

You see, different parts of my brain are active or "on" at different times of the day. And if I were to utilize the whole spread of those parts of my brain, I would only sleep from 3AM-6AM. This is part of why, you see, I had some terrible sleep problems for years - I was down to about four hours a night and dwindling, probably bottoming out on that 3hr stretch. I had to go to therapy to learn to sleep, and it was a whole thing.

More and more I find that a lot of organizational work has to happen in the morning - anything to do with planning, sequencing, deciding, etc. If I wait too long - usually somewhere in the 12PM-2PM range, but it can kick in as early as 11AM - a lot of the self-conscious, self-watching parts of my brain come online and actively prevent that organizational part of my brain. Or rather, it's there the whole time; but my brain has the right resources it needs to fend those things off earlier in the morning.

Afternoons are good for grinding. If I've already gotten a good headstart on a project in the morning - its sequence and scope laid out, all the problem-solving around any rough edges already done, etc - afternoon is when I have the energy and can just go and go and go. If I haven't already started working, good luck - what takes me 15min in the morning takes me more like 2 hours by afternoon, which seems extreme but is the regrettable state of things up there.

Evenings are good for relaxing. My brain is not good at relaxing, so this is important - a time when it can rest, and relax, and wander and play a bit rather than churn and chug away. It's the breathing room that keeps everything else happy.

Then, come about midnight - particularly once all the lights are out and everyone has gone to bed - two things happen. One is that the reflective, emotional part of my brain comes online. This is the part that is processing my place in the world and is in touch with how I'm feeling and what I'm doing and why; and is when it's closest to the surface for me to gently work with and witness. This is hugely important for my ability to operate the rest of the time - if I don't do this, everything during the day gets clogged up with lots of messy emotions and blocks.

The other part is that there are a lot of inhibitions that drop - the much more focused, planning-oriented part of my brain - goes to sleep; which means that creativity gets free rein. I do my best creative work in the deep night like this, and when I don't get that time, what I come up with for work tends to be a lot more trite and semi-recycled. So that's important too.

...So therein lies the problem. All of these things are important: if I don't get them all, all the other parts suffer. But if I get them all, I get a handful of hours of sleep a night. Like I said, I did this for about seven years - it started at six hours of sleep a night and slowly dwindled from there. I used to hallucinate semi-regularly from the sleep deprivation, in all kinds of fun ways. My favorite was the time that I was driving and suddenly everything flattened out; and instead of becoming closer, things got bigger instead. I was very lucky that I was driving a route I'd driven a million times, because I can't imagine trying to drive under those conditions on a completely unfamiliar road. Got there safe, and it was an interesting experience; but yeah, no thanks.

Like I said, I eventually went - well, got sent - to therapy to fix the problem. There were a few environmental things to help the process along - switching from a white overhead lamp to a yellow side-shaded lamp to mimic sunset, things like that - and the other semi-helpful thing was finding something that was (a) intellectually demanding, and (b) boring. For me, that was math. When it was time for bed, I used to have take a math textbook and a notebook and lay in bed doing math in bed for an hour-plus or however long it took to get sleepy. Can you imagine?

What actually ended up helping were two things. One, melatonin. I'm not a huge fan of drugs for solutions to this kind of problem; but this is one I found actually worked. It didn't take a lot - just a few mg, wait half an hour, and then the magic happened. I would get sleepy. It didn't make me pass out, it didn't make me stupid - but it made me feel like I had a choice. I could choose to go to bed, when my brain wouldn't let me otherwise. It took a few rounds of that to sort-of teach my brain how to wind down and prepare for sleep, and for the most part i haven't needed it since - I just needed those training wheels.

The other thing that helped was having someone I wanted to go cuddle in bed with. That was motivation to actually go to bed when the time came.

I like my sleep nowadays. Sometimes I sleep too much. I'm still ridiculously stupid-functional on no sleep, and probably always will be - that feels like something that was just broken into me over the course of those seven years.

...Of course, I feel like my brain doesn't work nearly as well as it did those years ago. Some of that is the Brain Damage, but some of it is that I don't get access to all those parts of my brain regularly. I'm figuring it out, slowly - figuring out how to wrangle The Obstacle Course and all the ridiculous trappings that come along with it. But that's how it works up there, and that's how sleep is so intrinsically tied to it, and that's why I'm going to have to battle sleep problems for the rest of my life.

Because you see: the reason I didn't want to sleep is because there were Things To Do. Stories and poems to write, things to learn, crafts to work on, planning to do, projects to work on... all of which were infinitely more interesting than sleeping. Why waste that time when you could do things?

(I am haunted by this to this day. I will always be haunted by this. Y'all know where Xitli comes from, right?)

So that's the obstacle course. And that's just one part of it. I've talked before about all the other things I've had to learn how to make my brain work - making sure I'm engaging in enough new processes and information and experiences and other "input", fucking with tiny variations in the lighting and where I'm sitting and what I'm listening to, all kinds of conscious run-downs on bodily needs, picking a particular scent to waft through the room on a given day... It goes on and on and on, and I swear it's nevereneding.

So that's me. Welcome to my brain. Guess what time it is now? You got it! 1AM! Tracks, no?

#blog #journal #brain #obstacle course #metacognition #work cycles #sleep dep

[girldraki]

ohhhh god we feel like shit, as is traditional

#txt #SLEEP DEP

[skelly-da-bone]

Dude i haven’t slept in like two days and it 10:0p pm and im not tired i have no idea what is happening anymore man

#Sleep Dep

[andi-o-geyser]

Oh, you’re mentally stable? You sure about that?? *sinks your tomb*

#tlovm #tlovm spoilers #the sunken tomb #this came to me in a vision #and by that i do mean starring at a blank google doc with sleep dep suffering #i think im soooo funny until the hight of sleep dep sets in and then i need to fucking nap like pffft my sense of humour cant handle that #critical role #the legend of vox machina #tlovm s2 #tlovm season 2 #legend of vox machina #lovm #vox machina #cr1 #vex'ahlia #vax'ildan #sunken tomb #andis thought geyser

[dizzyhslightlyvoided]

Adam West Batman: With this evidence, I've figured out the identity of the thief! The culprit ... is a girlthing!

Robin, enunciating it so the syllables are audibly separate: Holy she/it, Batman!

Batman, as if they weren't separate: ... What?

Robin: What?

#shenanigans #batman #adam west batman #batman 1966 #gender #girlthing #holy she/it #non-binary #non binary #non-binary stuff #non binary stuff #pun #badum tss #night blogging #drunk on sleep dep #microfiction #my stuff #my writing #my fanfiction

[neon-angels-system]

I'm having One Of Those Nights babey!!

#dissociation + sleep dep combo is funnnn #(by fun I mean my head feels like it is full of cotton + all regard for my personal needs & safety has left #bcause according to my brain I'm not real anyway (<- not true) #so it takes a significant effort to convince myself to take care of my needs) #I need to go the fuck to bed already lol #but consider: what if I didn't #if I stay up late enough then one of our caretakers will come (metaphorically) smack me over the head #and that sounds nice tbh #been ignoring my headmates too much recently #ough that mental sure can illness

[not-available-for-comment]

Y’know I think sometimes “mindful eating” gets conflated with diet-lite, “chew 20 times before swallowing” “I do not sully the temple of my body with gross matter” bullshit. But let me just say. As a fat person (“small fat”) that is not what it’s working out to with me. I’ve actually experienced a lot of food restriction in my life, not part of formal dieting, just due to a variety of life circumstances. As a result, especially when I’m tired (as I have been this week) I tend to eat until no longer uncomfortably hungry but not until full. My dietitian commented that I probably don’t know what full feels like and she’s right, I really don’t. As a result, I’m on this bus to work, semi-delirious from lack of sleep, because my poor body got frustrated and slammed down all of the FOOD, motherfucker buttons at the same time. At about 4:30 am.

I’ll take care of this. Today I’ll work extra hard on noticing if I’m full and eating when I’m not. I’m going to try and get some work stuff done and then come home and sleep so I can have the energy going forward to make myself actual meals.

But it’s an interesting thing to experience, as someone who’s losing weight right now not due to calorie restriction but due to finally getting treatment for diabetes. I’ve had more than one medical professional’s eyes get big when I say I’ve found a really good dietitian who’s helping me eat more and feel a lot better. I have a soft throat and a big belly. I’m supposed to be punishing the soft animal of my body for loving what it loves. And yet I’m not. And I don’t need to. I shouldn’t, in fact.

Anyway I’m too tired to have a real point. This is just a strange time to be existing in my body. And I do think that it can be hard to think about healthy stuff outside of the framework of weight loss, because the two get so relentlessly presented as synonymous. So I just want to say that they’re not. Acknowledging your body doesn’t have to work like that. Accepting your body doesn’t have to work like that. It’s ok.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to buy a second breakfast because I’m fucking starving.

#Rocky talks too much #sleep dep posts #mindful eating #fat existence

[man-kills-everything]

Oh baby gnaw me down to the bone

Soon you'll find I'm never gonna take you back home

Well there's so much you never told me

And there's not much I want to know

'Cause your pretty little face will do just fine

You'll be the star of my very last show

Let's go for a long ride

I'll show you places you won't ever want to leave

#the dillinger escape plan #Dillinger Escape Plan #TDEP #DEP #Miss Machine #The Dillinger Escape Plan Miss Machine #2004 #Dillinger Escape Plan Miss Machine #Setting Fire To Sleeping Giants #The Dillinger Escape Plan Setting Fire To Sleeping Giants #Dillinger Escape Plan Setting Fire To Sleeping Giants #Ben Weinman #Greg Puciato #Brian Benoit #Liam Wilson #Chris Pennie #Dillinger #Spotify

[hailieshapedbox]

ohhhh i just realized why i have no desire to sleep even though i in fact am getting tired🤪 my cousin was in psychosis for two weeks on coke off meds and two days ago he took a turn and directed all of his pain and anger at me n was talking shit about me saying vile things (mostly about being lesbian) till 4 am two days ago and till 6am last night. walking in the living room where i was juggling a knife and scraping it on our roomates doors, throwing n stabbing oranges around the house till he got 5250’d in the morning. i hope hes having an alright time in there he really needs help and hopefully rehab and hopefully he finally wants the change that he might not know he needs and actually does want. ya had to vent it out guys thx for reading my run on sentence, im actually tryna lead into a better, personal topic and this plays a part on it so i started there. i uh started recovery in AA 3 days ago and im so fucking happy to finally want to take my life back fully into my own hands and have the drive and ambition that i got easily with alcohol (fucking cop out). ik how this sounds to some people, i went to AA and NA for fun when i was in a grouphome at 17 bc it was another way for us to get off the campus and hangout with the other houses (they called them cottages🏡🕯️🎍☺️). so im very comfortable in that environment, it wasn’t an entirely new concept or energy to me, its been about ten years, but this is my first time coming with a severe desire to change and take back my life into my own hands. ya i had drank in highschool (fuckinn middle school too) but i dont think i ever had to drink and drink and drink till i passout and not be able to stop until im blacked out. that didnt happen till i was 23 in such a chaotic livlihood i couldnt stand any part of my reality, work, home, abusive relationship, i couldnt breathe but i could drink. to the point i was delivering weed from the dispensary drunk. it happened again over the summer for all of the same reasons but this time i had come back to my cousins house to get on my feet and ultimately ended up helping everyone else and their businesses and livlihood more than my own and i was drained out, favor not returned gang. i thought i was gonna stop drinking at the end of summer and i did a few times, a week, two a month but the binges were bad and i was in a lot of dangerous situations recently. everytime i thought i was ready, someone would give me a reason to catch a nice break from the chaos circus life, n who would say no to what sounds like bliss? the last time i drank i didnt even want to, i didnt even wanna go out shit, friend called me crying for help, by the end of the night i needed a relief drink joined got physically hurt (7 minor injuries but some are mid😭), stranded they took off w my phone and wallet in my bag, no sweater at 4am upset in a parking lot not tryna take three hour walk home. a ride from a nice lady w a sketchy guy judging me. how the fuck did it happen again, how easy couldve i prevented this. i had already reached out to a well versed friend that i need to get sober, she said she’d be around in a couple days n we would go. i told her again the next day i needed it even more now and we went that night, which she was wanting to bc she liked that specific meeting. well gang that specific meeting is always gonna be the story to the start of my meeting. i immediately got picked to lead and read through out the meeting on a little stage in front of everyone with the key speaker. as i expected haha, never heard of a lottery meeting like that. i made a home that night, i kept eveyones lottery ticket from the raffle that i picked (and the three left over), i hadnt felt so much support in years, and all at once and a whole room full of people.

i know im only three days in but ive been waiting my whole life to be here.

#disgression sorry this is so long and un organized the sleep dep is in fact hitting but i am so fucking happy for the change #exponential #im gonna start talking about my story from taking my mom and brother to alternating shelters at age 12 and the recovery that is #finally taking place #i probably wont do it here i might make a new yt or go on tiktok to talk about it face to face but tumblr is my home and this #this is where its gonna start. sleep deprived scatterbrained and all<3 #love you all #oh and always hmu if you needa talk whatever it may be<3 #hailieshapedbox #recovery #AA #NA #alcoholics anonymous #alcoholism #allergy #change #change is a process #life #love #trippy #drugs #smoke #weed #marijuana #cannabis #420 #710 #stoner #hippie #blunts

[meatriarch]

listen - pre-house / shine / college au / modern / etc any good-end au, valentines day is galentines day for maria okay? that day is for her GIRLS and her GIRLS ALONE. so long as neither of them have plans with a partner that day? maria decks her apartment out in all kinds of cutesy hearts and bakes a whole bunch with connie and julie, if they feel up to it they cook a nice little dinner for themselves and just enjoy each others company before piling a whole mess of blankets and pillows and cushions all over her living room and camping out there while probably watching cheesy romance movies and getting wine-drunk.

if they wanna go out? they're doing each others hair and make-up and making sure they each look cute and pretty ( they always are! ) and they go out and have a fuckin' blast with each other all night ( sometimes accompanied, at a distance, by danny. watchdog who lets them have their space for girls night but will step in if they're getting bugged to no fuckin' end. )

otherwise? maria's valentines typically consist of her scouting all over austin, popping in and out of florists shops as well as the one she works at part-time, gathering up bunches of flowers and accents from each. if she can't find a specific flower she's looking for, she goes out to pick them where she knows they grow wild.

and she arranges bouquets for each of her friends.

connie's always has daisies and sweet peas. julie's always has a sunflower or two, zinnias, pansies. sonny gets sweet williams and purple alstroemerias. danny's has sprays of gladiolus with dahlia's. leland's always has yellow roses with soft-blue hyacinths and larkspur. donnie also gets sunflowers ( along with james & julie ) with roses, hyacinths or mums. james with his sunflowers and pink tulips and cosmos. johnny gets red roses, red dahlias, and red mums.

her friends / partners each get their lil bouquet from her, each wrapped together in matching paper, with a whole mess of baked goodies and chocolates etc in cute valentines containers ( maybe even some cheesy silly valentines one-liners in handwritten cards, you know- ).

ana's always has white tulips, violets, and crocus flowers. mama flores always gets her favorite flower - lisianthus. (:

#maria shoving the boys out of the way: move it ( affectionate ) where are my girlies at where are my besties- #no but all of her friends get the biggest hugs and kisses from her always she loves them all so very much <3 #just also thinking for cc/nosy how she has to try and sneakily put together the bouquets for johnny & lee and then sets them on the #sidetables in their room to find in the morning when she wakes up earlier than them to make a big breakfast ( dep on where in the timeline #BUT ALSO thinking in cc/nosy with the kiddos waddling up to her waving bunches of flowers to give to her- [ on the fucking floor- ] #or her having to likely fight sleep to get up before donnie to waking up even earlier than he does for ranch-related morning work to make #breakfast fsdkj sets up his in a vase on the dining table c: #[ ♡ ] ── * maria f. #[ ♡ ] ── * study. #[ ♡ ] ── * maria f. / 𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦. #[ 𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘦. ] ── * the yappening.

[grisailledreams]

Y'all I developed an entire character sheet and brief character build guide just for a fanfic I'm writing for one (1) person and now I'm baking brownies and planning something else afterward too because I couldn't sleep and I have DnD in a few hours.

#cheese whines #cheese in on sleep dep

[girldraki]

We have a fucking psychiatrist appointment at 2 pm. Demonic

#txt #UNDER THESE SLEEP DEP CONDITIONS

[margaritadaemonelix]

writing fic about characters with complicated feelings for each other isn't enough i need to be put under a panini press

#captain's log #it's getting warm which means my writing is getting more melancholic #and more capital-R Romantic #maybe it's the sleep dep. maybe it's the whiskey. maybe it's maybelline. who knows

[andi-o-geyser]

with these mule hands that betray you

#sleep dep brain is the best brain cause everything feels funny #neverafter #neverafter spoilers #neverafter liveblog #d20 #dimension 20 #dnd #andis thought geyser

[charlottan]

hi! thoughts on being sleepful and so full of blankets?

None at all!!

#i wish #i have. so much java homework due an huoor ago #and ive just been playing satisfactry and listening to yuotube video essays #also i feel so uhh #whats the word #idk depersonalized? #dissociated #from the sleep dep and the bang and the previously mentioned medication and the adderall #im at 2% performance right noow #asks

[redrobin-detective]

I know I’ve said this a thousand times but while I am so, so happy that people enjoyed 13′s era, 13 and her companions. I’m glad they found joy in those stories and will grieve her regeneration. But that era of Doctor Who never spoke to me, and that’s the beauty of the show, it’s always evolving and changing and that’s not to everyone’s tastes. I was usually bored or annoyed watching her episodes which really is a disservice to a really excellent crew who I feel weren’t given much to work with. 

And I’m especially reminded when I watch my old favorite episodes from the RTD but really the Moffat episode and I’m pulled in just as I was that first time. When I laugh heartily at the same jokes and weep at the same emotional highs and lows. This era of Who felt so special and so beautiful to me and god, God, do I miss loving Doctor Who this much. Watching DW became a chore under 13, something I had to reluctantly squeeze in time for in hope this one might strike me more. I won’t be sad to see her era close. I wish good will to those who will be and remind them at those adventures will always be there just as I am now revisiting my old favorites. The best part of Who is there is something there for everyone.

#I am sobbing my eyeballs out #yes its the sleep dep but ALSO #twice upon a time makes me WEEP every time #the fear and comparisons of death and also of growth btw the oldest and youngest doctor #the Doctor getting closure with Bill #the christmas armistice and getting a lethbridge-stewart back home #13s era never made me feel like this #but i can always come back to these old stories and *feel* again