Too Hard
Woop part 2 of the trip inside Jamil's head.
Part 1 here.
The next time Jamil caught sight of you on campus, his first instinct was to turn around on his heel.
What a stupid thought to have because of you.
Besides, that would only make him more conspicuous, not less.
So, when your eyes met his, Jamil gave you a short nod in greeting. He would’ve left it at that and kept on his way, had you not walked up to him.
“Hi Jamil! How’s it going?” you said with that impossibly disarming smile of yours.
Why was it so difficult to look at you like he normally would? You had no right to make him feel so stiff, so unnatural.
On autopilot, Jamil exchanged a few pleasantries with you - those lessons from his parents had been instilled too deep in him for him to falter too badly in a simple exchange such as this. Still, Jamil quickly excused himself by telling you he still had to find Kalim before his next class.
Jamil didn’t miss the way your smile faltered. Had you hoped to get something out of him?
“Oh, okay. I’ll see you two later, then.”
Something about that irked him, though Jamil did not allow himself to dwell on it further.
His heart really had no business still racing as it did when he walked away, unaware of the frown on his face.
Just act normal. That’s all he needed to do.
After all, he had no time for dwelling in silly fancies.
If Jamil had been acutely aware of you before, it only seemed to worsen now that he was making a conscious effort to not act any differently with you. In fact, the harder he tried to keep you out, the more you invaded his thoughts, unsettling him.
The most innocuous words from you looped in his mind, and even the simplest actions caught his eye. For goodness's sake, he’d found himself staring at you while you were queueing up in the cafeteria the other day, not even doing anything other than standing around and looking bored!
For once, Jamil found himself grateful for all his duties. At least they provided him with something else to occupy himself with.
After all, if he was busy enough, it was difficult to think about those bright eyes of yours, your sweet laugh, or the way you bit your lip while thinking.
Still, sometimes it felt like no matter which way he turned, you were there, ready to throw him off-kilter. Not like it was his fault that often the most convenient route to class intersected with your daily routines. Or that your face seemed to jump out from any crowd, catching his attention.
Which certainly did not help his basketball performance. Jamil certainly did not recall you having such an interest in sports before, yet suddenly you were always there, distracting him. What had changed?
Could you possibly-
Jamil scoffed to himself, forcing his thoughts back on track for the nth time that day.
He picked up the tray of food and started taking it to Kalim. After dinner, he’d need to help Kalim with his homework, there were some housewarden tasks that would need dealing with, not to mention the preparations for the next-
Jamil froze in his tracks.
The voice he heard was quiet, but it was unmistakably you.
Really, it should not have come as such a surprise to him. You had become a rather frequent visitor to Scarabia, and Kalim often invited you to stay for meals. In fact, Jamil had started planning the dorm’s meal prep with your tastes and dietary restrictions in mind, just in case.
Jamil rounded the corner with strange exhilaration, his heart fluttering needlessly.
Yet, his mood evaporated when he saw you.
Why did you stop talking and look so guilty as soon as you caught sight of Jamil?
Jamil knew that look you gave to Kalim, had used it himself a thousand times. The one telling Kalim to keep quiet about something.
What could there possibly be that you would be comfortable sharing with Kalim, but not with him? That would give Kalim reason to sit so close to you, a comforting hand on your shoulder?
Jamil's mind raced with possibilities, yet could not settle for any single explanation.
He’d have to ask Kalim about it later.
Jamil gave you a short, polite greeting, his eyes lingering on you in an attempt to read what you were hiding.
“If I’d known you were coming over, I would’ve prepared something for you to eat as well,” Jamil said, already thinking about which parts of the dorm’s dinner to spruce up for you.
“Oh, no need, just figured I’d pop by. I’ll get out of your hair soon enough,” you said, something sheepish about your expression.
As expected, Kalim asked you to stay and dine with them, and with just a bit more persuasion you agreed - though not before telling Jamil that he should join you too and have himself a breather.
And since Kalim agreed with you, Jamil soon found himself sharing a meal with you and Kalim. Yet, even as he sat down with the food, his mind raced.
Had you been getting particularly close to Kalim lately? But surely Jamil would’ve noticed such a thing. Maybe someone from the dorm had been giving you trouble? But if that was the case, then surely you could let Jamil know about it, too. Unless for some reason you did not want to? But if it was something that concerned Kalim, then sooner or later it was bound to concern Jamil, too.
All the while, Kalim was talking to you about this and that, the latest topic being the animals kept on the Asim estate.
“I’ve got some pictures, let me show you!” Kalim said with an excited grin.
Only, a thorough patting of his pockets and a look around confirmed that Kalim’s phone was nowhere to be seen.
Jamil pinched the bridge of his nose. Where had Kalim left it this time?
Before Jamil even had the chance to say that he would handle it, Kalim sprinted off. Jamil hesitated for a moment, automatically halfway up from his seat, before he decided that leaving a guest unattended would be a worse offense than not helping out his master.
Jamil slumped back down with a sigh, mentally tracing the path Kalim took today, trying to recall the last time he saw Kalim handle his phone.
“Breathe. He’ll manage,” you said. There was the faintest of smiles on your lips, and Jamil could not decide if it was knowing or amused. Perhaps both.
Somehow, despite his frustration, Jamil’s own lips wanted to curl up too.
“Hmm. Maybe he will.”
Sure, Jamil could’ve called Kalim’s phone, to make it easier to find, but it was not that urgent, was it?
Jamil took another bite of his food, keeping an eye on you from the corner of his eye.
How was his mind so empty and so buzzing at the same time?
“You know-”
“So-”
You looked at each other, both just as surprised that the other had spoken up at the same time.
Even your surprised look was so-
“You first,” Jamil said. The way you bit your lip... Jamil had to raise a cup to his lips, slowly sipping his drink.
“Just… Feels like it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen you be still, you know. Or exchanged more than two words with you,” you said. You were attempting a light, joking tone, yet it was quite clear there was more to it.
“You say that like it would be unusual for me to be busy.”
He was not prepared for the way your soft sigh tugged at his heartstrings.
“No. It is not.”
You were both quiet after, poking at your meals. Normally, Jamil would’ve cherished such a moment of peace, yet this particular silence between you two was decidedly awkward.
Where was your usual chatter? Why weren’t you looking at him like you usually did?
“If you’re worried about me, don’t. I’m fine,” Jamil said, some softness creeping into his tone despite his best intentions.
“That's what Kalim said too,” you said. Yet the way you looked at Jamil made it clear you were still skeptical.
Wait.
Had you clammed up earlier because it had been Jamil you had been talking about with Kalim? That Kalim had comforted you about?
The thought twisted his stomach into knots.
Eta: you can find part 3 here, part 4 here, and finally part 5 here.
Hasdhfsdf the way I fought with that last scene I swear. I don't even want to know how many versions I went through, trying to figure out how to say what I wanted without rubbing it into your face or making it too veiled. The joys of trying to convey things through a limited pov. Hopefully it came out reasonably balanced in the end.
Rip to all those sentences that were lovely on their own but didn’t work for the whole. Hopefully I can rehome y’all one day.
I do have thoughts for part 3 and part x (might be some chapters between those two as well, who knows at this point), so maybe we'll see those at some point, too.
Tag list:
@colliope @crystallizsch @diodellet @jamilsimpno69 @jamilvapologist @twstgo
If you'd like to be tagged for future works, let me know! (Just be aware that sometimes I do also write nsfw, though you can certainly ask to be tagged only for particular kinds of works.)
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You're not wrong, but all the gods are terrible in Blood of Zeus. It's why Gaea goes scorched earth.
Actually, I'd argue that we only see a case for the older Olympians* being terrible and even then, it's not all of them: Poseidon, for one, is a really good example of someone who understood that mistakes were made, that something had to give, and was more that ready to set old conflicts aside in order to move forward in the wake of Zeus' death. Hera also seems to be genuinely reflective and apologetic for the crimes she wrought and wanted, more than anything, to be given the opportunity to make amends for her actions by doing the one thing everyone thought she never could; give up her power.
Going down the line, the talking point of "oh, all the gods in Blood of Zeus are terrible" becomes weaker and weaker: Apollo's only actual crime is being too filial/his contempt of Hera, but he shows more compassion and understanding than anything - both while comforting Electra about the nature of her son and by welcoming and supporting Heron, Hermes is also similarly shown with a very strong familial loyalty, but prioritises his work above all else, Hephaestus is a councillor and assistant, Athena is protective and shown, not only rallying together her siblings in order to properly inform them of the nature of the foe they were facing (even when they had been on different sides of the Hera/Zeus conflict and even when it casts Hera in a good light and plainly makes it known that she's being framed) but also getting Persephone to fess up her part in the scheme without resorting to violence.
The only gods that were portrayed poorly in Season 2 were Ares, who feels like he'd be better off being called Damian Wayne with how intensely he's preoccupied with blood purity and being Zeus' legitimate son, Aphrodite who sides with him (but even then is shown feeling ill at ease at going along with his treachery prior to the Eleusinian Stone trial), and Demeter who is so far removed from simply 'being an asshole' that she's hurtled headfirst into being a sadistic supervillain.
(Of course Hades is also a tyrant and an asshole but I also consider him too wishy-washy and inconsistent to figure out what angle they were trying to take with him. I can't think of him as good or bad, merely confusing)
Anyway, I think people hold on to the idea that the gods in BoZ are all assholes too closely because Heron and Seraphim, our main characters, hold on to the idea that ALL gods are assholes due to being the pawn of -counts on fingers- exactly two of them. With the exception of Ares, all of the other gods have been nothing but welcoming and supportive of Heron! And what Hades does to Heron in S2 has nothing to do with his feelings about Heron himself but rather with his own goals and desperations that have been multiplied by Demeter's machinations and his own frustrations at being unable to keep his family together.
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Let's talk about the whole @Konigsblog tea.
TW: Mentions of SA, pedophilia, politics,
Konigsblog, or Orla, writes fanfiction for the Call Of Duty community on tumblr, her main theme being oneshots that revolve around and romanticize sexual assault.
She is not the only one writing things like this, however, even in the deep sea of predatory authors, she is one of the more popular writers, so we're gonna get into some of her drama first.
I'm not sure how long she's been a writer, but she has a myriad of these fics, and an uprising fanbase, but with great fame comes great shame, because her page is flooded with much understood hate, angry anons, and even people who post about her in a bad light.
It's not surprising to see how much hate she gets considering she's writing about something like that, and I've moved past her page, but it's the way she responded to something new on her page that brought me to write this.
When Orla gets hate for what she writes, she acts pretty confident towards the people, either calling them uneducated on the matter of r@pe fantasies, acting unbothered, or making fun of them.
Orla also claims to have an issue against real sexual assault, and thinks there is a fine difference between her fiction and the actual act of violating someone. Good for her. But not good enough.
While she does have reasonable boundaries, like being against pedophilia, even the worst of people have their limits. It doesn't make her a good person.
She also has stated that writing this is therapeutic for her and the SA survivors that read her works. Bashing someone's skull in may also be therapeutic to someone with anger issues. Just because the coping mechanism works doesn't mean it's good.
And clearly, it's not healing what needs to be healed for her considering the way she's been acting recently.
Even with the hate messages and death wishes, she continued to act boastful and move forward. That was, until she received an anon message the other day.
In the message, you can see the anon describing why they don't like her fics, but feel like she's into this because of some sort of mental disorder, or trauma. To which, I believe.
However, Orla didn't like this. It was one of few times I've ever seen her triggered by a message rather than laughing it off like she always does.
She usually has a lot to say, and tends to make a lot of points as to why she writes what she writes, but this time? Nah. The best she could think of was "You're a disgusting piece of shit, you don't know me lets keep it that way"
Yeah, that'll show em.
Really, Orla? Out of all the cocky things you've responded with in your history of hate comments, that's the best you could do?
She is, ALLEGEDLY, twenty one years old, and she sounds good for fifteen. Literally NO ONE knows you, you are an anonymous writer on the internet, stating what someone already knows is wild.
It's like she didn't even have a defense for it because maybe, JUST MAYBE, it's true. She didn't even make any more responses until her followers defended her, in which she KEPT posting about the message. She had never done that with any other anon hate posts. Not only that, but she turned her asks off afterwards.
Orla gets death threats by the minute, being told she actually DESERVES to be violated (do not say things like that, it aint helpin'), and still keeps her ask box on, yet when someone actually starts to delve deeper, NOW she wants to turn it off? Suspicious, is it not?
For her to think she DOESN'T have something mentally wrong with her is crazier than the latter. You daydream about getting violated. If that ain't mentally unstable, I don't know what is. Like the anon, I too am not in the worlds best head space.
It's 2024, inflation is beating our middle and lower class asses, Palestinians are suffering and politics are in a state of "fuck it, we ball." Anybody saying they are in good head space right now is lying, or just really chill, and to say there's nothing wrong with you is narcissistic, which is a disorder on its own.
She also replied in one of the few posts about the message saying:
"How are you going to analyze someone you've never met based on what they write about?"
Orla must be living under one mansion of a rock. Police have found terrorists with just that method. If you read a book, you can tell how someone is simply from how and what they wrote.
If you pay attention to any of Dr. Seuss's books, even without knowing about him abusing his wife, you can tell he didn't like women, and more than likely had an experience with them being "nagging" towards him. "Horton hears a who" shows that via the mother kangaroo constantly bothering Horton about how he acts, and how she feels he's crazy for protecting the spec on the flower, alongside another book about a mother bird leaving her egg with Horton while she neglectfully parties around the world, leaving Horton to suffer with wild weather and relentless theives trying to steal it from him.
That was an awful defense. Never use that.
Not to mention in her responses to other hate posts, she claims people are "obsessed" with her while she's living her "best life". Your life sucks if this is the best. Nobody is obsessed with you but yourself. Imagine being so self-centered that you think when people call you out for being nasty, they're "obsessed".
No, you do weird shit and expect people to be quiet. You are not a god, you are not a deity, you are a human. You are not above criticism. People can judge you because you need to be judged. You are not the first to be called out and you won't be the last.
It's crazy how suddenly that attitude dropped when someone stops talking about her writing and begins focusing on her mentality.
"It's just fantasy" is not an excuse anymore, because your brain is you and your thoughts are self reflection. If you often think about setting things on fire, you might be a pyromaniac. To try and detach yourself from your thoughts is like trying to break yourself in half.
Unwanted intrusive thoughts and active enthusiasm towards sexualizing things aren't the same.
If you're mentally ill, own that shit. If you have trauma that's messed up your brain, own that shit.
If you're more triggered by being called mentally disabled than you are when someone says you're a predator that romanticize r@pe, then that's enough to show how you REALLY feel about the victims and the people with mental struggles that follow you.
You just use them as your little white knights to go and attack people who say what you write is bad, and once you've done that, you go back to writing your suffer porn in what you THINK is peace, because there is nothing peaceful about you.
You were all about advocating those who are "coping" through your fanfiction because they are mentally off the wall and need it to get through dark times, but when someone says that about you, you're all of a sudden offended.
An idle mind is the devil's playground, and it must be Universal Studios in Orla's noggin.
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