#so forgive me if theres been a bit of a dump because it has been ACCUMULATING .

[ravewing]

not over how if you go to the flame wof tag im not in the top blogs . like what do you mean tumblr WHAT . i have like ten billion posts of flame . i drew him every day for THIRTY DAYS STRAIGHT . i am his #1 fan . i AM HIM . do not do me like this tumblr i guarantee you i post about him more than anyone else on this app

#so what if i havent posted a lot of him in the past couple months #i have had anomalocaris brainrot . and i have been suppressing myself from posting about stupid shrimp prior to recently #so forgive me if theres been a bit of a dump because it has been ACCUMULATING . #i will bet my whole LIFE that i have posted more about him than anyone else #guess how many of my tiktoks are dedicated to flame huh? #ONE HUNDRED FIFTY FOUR. #up until my phone storage started failing me i had a photo album with EVERY FRAME OF HIM IN THE GRAPHIC NOVELS. #you are doing me dirty tumblr #at least im like the 4th thing that pops up under anomalocaris . at least tumblr respects my status as number 1 anomalocaris fan . 😒 #this is so wrong guys . what on earth #i have NOT been brainrotting over stupid red dragon for like half of my whole life just for tumblr not to address me under the flame wof tag #for shame #flame wof #wof #wings of fire #yap session but in the tags #rave rambles

[glareandgrowl]

you know what?! NO! I WON'T just stop there!

This has really frustrated me as a creator who puts pride and effort into the characters I create. I'm giving myself until the end of this 30 min playlist to put my thoughts together so forgive the mess it will inevitably cause.

I have seen the take many a times about Dangan games and it's characters that fans and enjoyers are upset their special guy didn't get the screentime they deserved due to whatever reason; It's understandable really. You see a character that has such potential in your eyes its a shame its all wasted away. But I have seen the idea thrown around that the lack of care for a majority of characters' deaths and roles in the story is based on the sheer number of bodies and stories to tell. With so many characters there would never be enough room to allow all of them to flourish before they die! That's just the curse of these types of stories.

I am here to tell you that is BULLSHIT! It's bullshit and I refuse to believe it!

I, for the longest time, have hated the writing of the dangan games. It has always seemed sloppy, rushed, and far too drawn out for its own good. And no, that's not because the trials can be a little funky and rough around the edges when it comes to details. Though, that does coorelate to the negativity I have towards them as a whole. No.

I full-heartedly believe what is to blame is the free-time events. In Dangan 1, it was a fun gimick. Theres a large cast of characters, it only makes sense that a select few would stick out to the player as an interesting one, with a desire to learn more about them.

Shoddy writing of THH aside, I do feel it was a bit of a bandaid on the issue of a too-large cast. If there were optional ways to spend more time with certain characters, they didn't need to spend all that valuable plot time giving them exposition and relevance! The players can find the relevance on their own!

Except... Instead of using the plot time they saved for making a better, more cohesive story, all they did was fill it with dead air, bloated trials and a clear favoritism for the few remaining survivors. (IE in THH Byakuya, Kyoko, Makoto (obv hes the mc I can't complain there.)) Instead of focusing on the group as a whole, its dynamics amongst the survivors at the time, the plot instead magnets to favorites in an attempt to make you like them more.

I know its been mentioned a million times, but the game makes it incredibly hard at times to imagine these characters as once being friends.

(I will say from what I have seen of the next two games they do remedy this at least a little bit, with the group dynamic at least being tolerable to borderline good in v3 (yes before you come for me goodbye despair was good too.))(it also does seem, imo, to be a problem specifically with THH, as the next two DO do a better job at characterization, aside from the rogue one or two "mystery" characters that are put WAY too much emphasis on. (cough cough Kokichi, Rantaro, Kyoko, Byakuya to an extent) Most of whom I don't really care for due to that specific emphasis put on them. Not that their characters are bad, the games just reaaaallly want the player to care about these guys. Which makes me not want to.

Back to individuality.

The argument of a too-large cast as the reasoning for characters being left behind in terms of narrative importance, i feel, would be easily remedied by removing free time events entirely. No more backstory exposition dumps and underwear gifts for friendship points. No more mono-mono machine. If the writers were instead FORCED to give each character their time in the limelight, if they were forced to actually give a shit about each individual personification as much as those freetime events lead you to believe, then the plot would grow to accommodate.

Half the shit in the trails is unnecessary. Half the shit in the plot is unnecessary. Half of it is pandering, or shipping bait or funny haha jokes! We're so quirky!

The plot needs to care about your characters as much as the writers do. Which should be as much as your audience does. And if it doesn't. if the plot only cares about giving the audience a reaction, or if it only cares about its surface level motivations and schemes, then all you're going to get is surface level, unmotivated, wasted potential characters.

Now. I've ragged on about dangan for a bit. Does that mean I hate the games, the stories and the characters? Hell no. Of course not. If I did, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't spend my time making fanart and writing fanfiction. I like the games. They're interesting, funny at times. The writing has its moments of sincerity. It's made me cry once or twice. I LOVE the ending to goodbye despair. I think its the best in the series by far.

I guess what I mean to say in the ending of all this, the TLDR if you will, is that the dangan games COULD have made the characters work. It could have made you believe each one was special and important to the story. If it cared enough to. It's no excuse, though.

(Also yes this is about Taka and how he was robbed. You could say the same about a fair few characters. I just spend hours a day thinking about his character anways so this is it's natural conclusion.

#danganronpa #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #kiyotaka ishimaru #danganronpa goodbye despair #danganronpa v3 #ndrv3 #drthh #dr1 #dr2 goodbye despair #longsheeprants #mini rant #before anyone comes for my throat this is all my OPINION!!! #You are allowed to like the stories of the dangan games #that is a good and ok thing to think. You are not bad at literacy analysis if you like the stories and the plots. #also you can enjoy things and still criticize them. In fact that is a good and cool thing to do. Critically analyze the media you enjoy #its fun

[jules-mcbooles]

cinnamon honey self care spell

Before I get into it a note: I order my spells ingredients, instructions, witchiness, warnings, intents. read the ENTIRE SPELL RECIPE before you do it. its a NECESSITY. because these spells in particular are meant to be ingested and or topically applied to your skin, it becomes incredibly important that you know exactly what you’re doing.

Cinnamon honey anti-inflammatory mask: you need:  - 2 tbsp honey - 1 tsp (or less) of cinnamon - a dash of lemon - that spoon. the one. you know. you do: 1. drizzle the honey into a bowl, however feels right. either you get the feeling or you don’t, but try not to think too hard with your front brain. that’ll help. keep drizzling until theres nothing left on *the spoon*  2. the rest of the honey on the spoon? suck it off. i mean it. take a minute, contemplate existence, let that spoon stick out of your mouth. what are you doing with your life? the spoon doesn’t know. 3. dump the cinnamon on. be messy. it’s not a very neat spice. be mean to it, it certainly will not be kind to you. try not to get cinnamon everywhere. it does not take kindly to being strewn about. a contrary little thing, isn’t it? 4. fold the honey over the cinnamon gently like a little pocket in the middle over and over. once there’s not really a visible saturation of cinnamon in any one part of the honey, stir a sigil or two in there. the chaos and calm will fight each other in your mind do not fight the dichotomy. embrace it, and in so doing, embrace yourself and your own differences.  5. you need like only a few drops of lemon. it will brighten your face. it will loosen up the texture of the honey. do not use too much, it will quickly find itself burning your skin. it will not apologize. stir gently at first, clockwise only. slowly begin to stir faster, until you are near whipping bubbles into the sticky crap in your bowl.  6. stop. be kind to your spoon. thank it. smooth over the surface of the honey.  7. apply as desired to the face, or as specifically instructed below. lick your lips clean, they will be sweet. do not leave on surpassing 15 minutes. rinse with warm water, pat dry. blow a kiss at yourself in the mirror. you cast:  “Brightness of a summer day,  purity shall with me stay. lemon drops, and cinnamon pops, tie my tongue all day. may blessings drip like rain, let confidence surpass all pain, so shall the blush rise in my cheeks like blooming rose, let the fall absorb my prose.” You have been warned: -cinnamon has a tendency to burn sensitive skin. you only need a little bit!  -same with the lemon, but on a lesser scale. application//varies with skin sensitivity. cinnamon is a gentle exfoliant, it also tends to leave red patches on your skin (that’s what the honey is for) so if your skin is sensitive, gently apply the honey mask with the back of a spoon and do not exceed 7 minutes of application. your energy may be forgiving- your skin will not be. neither will the cinnamon. if not, rub! gently of course, in clockwise circles as they are facing yourself. focus on areas that are swollen, or breakout spots.  -this will make your skin pink-red. if youre going somewhere and using this to prepare, use it a few hours before leaving. you charge: i’ve decided it’s rather irrelevant to list you the associations of the spice, of lemon, of honey. yes they have their own, but work with those, not against them. honey is very pure. it is slow, it is sweet, it is warm comfort on a cold day.  cinnamon is harsh. it bites, is burns. it is hot in the way that it comforts, scares you with its intensity. lemon is clean. it is tidiness, it is smooth. it bites. bite it first. 

my association with this, the way I offer it and the way I use it has to do with how it tastes. it is strong. it lives in your skin long after you wash it out. it is a spell that changes, that heats with all that it has, and protects you from the coming cold. in my experience, Artemis is particularly fond of watching me make this. she adores cinnamon. Hestia does as well. She is wary of the lemon, though.

#daytodaywitchy #witch #witchy #witchy things #witchcraft #self care #protectyourself #spell #spells #spellwork #fall #fall offerings #fall spells #pagan witch #hellenic pagan #hellenism #hellenic polytheism #hellenic worship

[adrianasunderworld]

I never have had anything against Kataang, honestly I've always been kind of indifferent to it. Even as a kid when the show first aired and the moment Aang blushed at Katara, I knew they were going to be a thing. Because the main guy and the main girl always end up together, it was just a given that I knew even then. So i never invested myself in their romance, there was never a moment that made me think, you know what this isnt bad, they're good together and I want them together. It never did anything for me so I put my attention in all the cool fights and backstory. It wasnt until I was a bit older and the show was wrapping up and me, new to the internet and internet fandom, did I see Zutara fan art and think "wait you can do that!?"

I haven't watched avatar in its entirety since it aired, and now that I've watched it on netflix as an adult and knowing what I do and do not enjoy in romance, and on occasion having to come up with quick explanations of the show for my mom who has watched bits and pieces with me, I really am bummed Zutara was not canon.

We all know the reasons we love this ship: the sun and moon, red vs blue, fire and water dynamic. They both mirror each other in diffrent ways. Plus they just look damn good together.

(Dont fight me on that last one, you cant convince me they dont make a good looking pair.)

Both are children of their nations leaders. Both took on personas to reach some kind of goal (katara as the painted lady and zuko the blue spirit), both were very close to their mothers and were the last to see them before they were gone, something that had traumatized them both. This last one was something they bonded over in ba sing se and later in the southern raiders, even though Zuko didnt talk about his mom in that episode, you know hes the only one in the group who understands that need for closure about her mom.

We assigned them both as the mom and dad friends of the group, and to an extent that is true. But both of them also have their own temper. We all know about Zukos anger issues and how he has dealt with it, I feel like we dont talk about Katara always down to kick ass, especially when shes pissed. ( master pakku anyone?)

Hell even in the show itself its almost a running gag. June teases Zuko that Katara is his girlfriend whenever she can. And they joke about it big time in ember island players. Even when not played for laughs theres something foreshadowy about Zuko finding and holding up to Kataras neck what we find out is essentially an engagement ring. Or Katara almost using the spirit water to heal his scar once Zuko opens up just a smidge about how he lost his mother too. Surrounded, I might add, in cave of glowing stones like the stones in the cave of lovers, which was created by lovers on opposing sides of a war.

Once Zuko joins the group, Katara is the only one that actively challenges him and tells him she will personally hold him accountable if he steps out of line. And Zuko owns up to what he has done in the past and willing to do anything to earn her forgiveness and trust.

Plus, Iroh teaches Zuko these advanced firebending moves he learned from observing water benders, methods zuko continues to use and later teach Aang. Water is hailed as the element of life and healing while fire is cast as death and destruction. Only when they learn from the dragons do we learn that fire gives life as well.

Plus, and this is something I've recently thought of while rewatching, I think they could have showed another important lesson that I think little me, who was so used to and uninvested in romances between the two main guy and girl, would have appreciated and been blown away by. Someone can love you, be willing to do anything for you, and you can care about them as well, but it doesn't mean you have to love them back. You can grow and change and find someone else, and it may hurt that other person, as much as you dont want it to, but you dont have to be with them. We all know about Aang and his attachment to Katara and not wanting to lose her. But Zuko also has Mai. Who has liked Zuko since they were kids and loved him more than she feared Azula, and was willing to save him even after he dumped her and knowing how pissed Azula would be. I love both Aang and Mai, and when I started to ship Zutara many moons ago, I felt bad because I liked them so much. They loved and were devoted to them, but I couldn't think of a scenario where neither character got out of it un hurt. But that's the thing, that's practically impossible. And you know what? It's ok, yes they would be heartbroken, but they'll eventually grow and move on. Something I think Aang especially needs. Because he may be wise beyond his years and also deserves good things for everything he's been through, but Aang is still very young and has room to grow. Katara and Zuko may not be much older than him, but they both were forced to grow and be mature years before they should have. And fighting in the same war that forced them to grow up would make them change and find each other. Aang and Katara always felt like puppy love to me. Its innocent and sweet, but never felt lasting to me. Zutara always felt sturdier, like they were capable of working well together because they have both figured out who they are and what they want.

We are reminded over and over again that Katara is the one thing that attached Aang to the world. But he must learn to let her go. In Ba sing Se when they were in the caverns, instead of immediately going to her defense. Aang let her go to go into the Avatar state. That's all well and good, but I feel like it could have been taken a step further in "if you love her, let her go" way. That would have been a great big step into Aang growing up and willing to give up his pursuit of Katara. A big sign that he has matured, and willing to let the girl he loves be happy, even if it's not with him.

#zutara #i ramble #i think thats all my thoughts #i could write a whole essay on this shit #but ill stop for now #avatar #zuko #Katara

[just-a-fangirl13]

Why s5 *might* be the season MacRiley happens

Okay so...Hear me out! I'm not crazy I promise!!

Firstly, after 5x03 (and probably 5x04) it may seem very unlikely that MacRiley could ever happen. But I thought of a few reasons why they might actually happen by the end of s5 after all.... (it gets a lil long winded and kinda complicated but just stick with me till the end!)

1. All the MacRiley moments including the ones in 5x03.

[this Mac smile could not be an accident or something that slipped through both production and post-production right?! that in itself is a whole reason!]

Every Macriley moment we have ever had- whether it's the hugs, Riley saving Mac, Mac saving Riley, the ultimate show of loyalty when Riley went after Mac during Codex or even just the looks exchanged between the two- to any outsider it would seem pretty obvious that they are dating or at least in love. Keep in mind the writers would have written each of those scenes and Lucas and Tristan have acted them out with a specific build up in mind aka MacRiley.(think about the date episode: Riley just got dumped but was still thinking about how Mac might be hungry. She didnt have to do that. She could have just shown up at his place..) I mean how can they write two people so perfectly in sync and so perfect for each other and not have them end up together? It would just be a waste of all that tension and slow burn. (not to mention all the hugs and glances)

2. They know we exist. 

The MacRiley fam is very active on twitter with the writers and while they were writing 5x01 they knew we were around. They know we are a huge group. They would not want to risk pissing 90% of the fandom off by not making MacRiley endgame.

[P.S.yes 5x03 was a bait and switch but if you were paying attention you would have noticed that neither Lucas not Tristan live tweeted or hyped up the episode. They knew we would probably hate it so they didnt publicise it too much! so in the future if you have doubts about the episode being a MacRiley one just check their stories or posts on twitter/intstagram]

3. Yes 5x03 happened. 

I really think it was an episode they HAD to write. Ok so after 4x13 they had 7 more episodes planned and were filming 4x20 (aka the finale) when the pandemic struck. So they have these 6 episodes but no finale for it. [Idk if anyone else has noticed but in 5x01 there were clearly some parts cut out. For example the conversation between Desi and Riley towards the end seemed a bit jilted. Riley asking Desi to forgive her but Desi replied with yeah we are cool (still no apology ofc) I feel like something happened during that which ended up getting cut out so it could fit with the final story.]

This makes me think that they have rewritten a few bits to tie into the new finale episode. In 5x03 when Mac asked Desi to come fishing with him which was clearly something very personal to him she was like no do better.. then we see Mac's disappointed expression. She could have easily said okay but maybe not for our first date? Or its not really my thing? Or just about anything else rather than laughing in his face like that. Eventhough MD is together they still arent compatible. Mac’s final words in 5x03 was him being desperate. I truly think he is so broken and lost that Desi is the only safe thing left, the only thing he feels like he can fix right now. Once he finds himself again and heals...then it's going to hit him like a pile of bricks!!

4. But Riley doesn't have feelings anymore...WELL doesnt she? 

When it comes to Mac, Riley is always in denial. We saw it in s4 when she tells Bozer not to make her say it. I think s5 will show her finally accepting it. Finally accepting that she is in love with her best friend and that it definitely isnt Codex adrenaline because she caught the feels when Codex wasnt even around. While Mac's arc would include realising he and Desi are never going to work and that he is unhappy and that RILEY is the one for him.

[why else would they give Riley feelings for Mac? Something has to come of it.]

5. The slow burn rule.[this point is a lil complicated] 

Now season 5 is rumoured to have 13 episodes. So here’s what I think: If MacGyver follows the pattern that most shows do when it comes to slow burns, then technically MacRIley should have happened at the end of season 4. But since the season got cut short and they didnt get to air/finish their final episode the writers had to improvise. 

From what I know, 4x19 which is 5x04 for us is the episode where Mac meets Desi’s parents and 4x20 was supposed to be the finale that was left unfinished.(they are definitely moving the timeline ahead if a pre finale episode is suddenly a mid season one.) There might have been a 4x21 or 4x22 but I haven't heard anything about those....EVER.

So what I think they have decided to do instead is extend the MD storyline a bit longer just so they dont end up scrapping all their s4 episodes where they would be together and write a new finale that ties everything together, aka MacRiley.

If you think about episode counts, s4 and s5 together would have 26 episodes which is a how long a normal season runs. Basically what im trying to say is if we follow the ‘slow burns end by s4’ and take season 5 as an extension of 4 then MacRiley should get together in the season 5 finale or maybe the episode just before. (IM REALLY TRYING TO GET SOME LOGIC INTO THIS)

This would be a typical TV thing too where the couple finds out about each other’s feelings while the main arc of the show is also at its peak, which perfectly sets up a future season where fans are hyped but still has a satisfying ending.

6. So what about MacDesi?

So far the macgyver writers have given us characters we love. Think of every character on the show apart from maybe Desi... Mac, Riley, Bozer, Jack, Matty, Leanna, Samantha, Russ and even Murdoc. WE LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. So then why is Desi such a strange character? I think shes purposely been written as an opposite to Mac or even Riley (I get she’s supposed to kinda replace Jack but Jack is really irreplaceable). 

It's not necessarily a bad thing its just not a great thing to do or have great execution. People have said things like Desi is a badass and shouldnt have to apologise or say I love you back to her boyfriend because she is a strong woman...I'm sorry but your opinion of who a strong woman is, is EXTREMELY skewed. A strong woman is someone who can make mistakes and when she does, she is ‘strong’ enough to own up to it, she is loyal and fierce and also caring while being a badass who can take down bad guys. And for GODS SAKE, RILEY DAVIS IS A STRONG WOMAN...people have called her mushy and feminine on twitter and I'm just very confused by that.....

Anyways before I go off on a rant, it seems like Desi is intentionally being written this way. Every opportunity they get to redeem her and make her more relatable or just a better person they just dont take it. While Rileys character arc is one of the best I've ever seen. Either its intentional or they’ve forgotten how to write characters...which is worrisome but ill give them the benefit of the doubt.

The writers also know we dont like Desi. The amount of times we've tagged them in the toxic posts or pointed out problematic things we can be sure they've seen at least half of those. So theres no way they dont know. RIGHT?

So why then is MD still a thing you may ask??

Well for one they cant break them up again off screen because of those unreleased s4 episodes. (not to mention the other parts of the audience who arent as invested in mac’s love life would probably be very confused.)

Secondly Mac has to be the one to pull the plug, not Desi. 4x13 made it seem like Desi was the annoyed one not Mac. He apologised to her which meant he wanted to fix things. 

Thirdly, they are opening the chpt one last time before they permanently close it. MD is going to be a stark contrast to macriley(it already is in every way possible). Every issue Mac and Desi had can be used to show how amazing macriley really is as two people who arent even dating yet.

Fourthly, MD being together is a sort of commentary on Macs mental health as well. We can see how happy he is with Riley but around Desi he becomes some one else. If the writers are doing this on purpose or subconsciously still remains to be seen.

And Yes keeping MD around for a few more episodes seems like a necessary risk right now but I have a feeling its going to be worth it later.

[I know we have had like 4 desi entered episodes already but I really think 5x04 will be the last of it since 5x05 is the Jack episode and 5x06 is Mac+Riley+Bozer episode with no mention of Desi at all!]

The writers know we are a dedicated bunch and they know that once MD breaks up for the last time the entire fandom will be waiting and watching. That's when the show will be at its peak. That will be the perfect moment to bring in MacRiley’s arc to a new start!

Congrats if you stuck with me through this whole thing! if you agree/disgaree with any of these or have other reasons why they could be endgame in s5 let me know!!

#MacGyver #Angus MacGyver #macgyvercbs #Riley davis #macriley #cbs #macxriley #macriley is endgame #otp #wilt bozer #Matilda webber #Lucas till #Tristin Mays #cbsmacgyer #russ taylor #macisback #macgyver season 5

[myvaginismusjournal]

Hi, it's been forever and a day! Life has been absolutely insane for me with so many big changes and COVID and everything going on.

So biggest thing, my husband and I have separated. He moved out in July and it's definitely for the best. Back in February I came to a realization that my husband is incredibly emotionally abusive and has been for quite a long time, practically our whole marriage however it got a lot worse in the past couple of years. A lot of this realizing had to do with my mom and dad separating because my dad is emotionally abusive to my mom. It caused me to look and see the extreme similarities in my relationship, we tend to marry one of our parents or we emulate their relationship because that's what we know! Theres a lot of bad stuff that I'll probably post about every once in a while since I kind of need a place to let stuff out and he doesn't follow me here so I can speak a lot more freely. We had a talk about it in February and he said he'd work on stuff. I really pulled away though and I think his actions are so far rooted unless he seeks professional help, that won't really fully change. So fast forward to June and we have a big talk about everything and discussed the possibility of separating/divorce and said we'd each think about it. We also said hey, we need to start being fully and completely honest with each other so that was good. A week later, he decided to move out. I feel like I should have been the one to say you need to move out, but he thankfully knew I would probably have a really tough time doing that and did it himself instead. I'm grateful to him for that for sure. He moved out super quick which was really hurtful and surprise he ended up with a place he hates because he jumped into it so quickly. We still talk a tiny bit, but mostly just memes or stuff like mail or finances that we need to discuss.

When he moved out, I was very heartbroken and upset because it was so quick. But once he was fully out, the main thing I felt and still feel, is relief. No longer walking on eggshells all the time, being able to be myself, not having to constantly shove my emotions down. I've been feeling happy and free which I think says a lot. I've been unlearning a lot of my habits that I would do simply to placate him. I also have been realizing that although I'm extremely lonely and sad, I don't actually really miss him. I miss having a relationship and a partner, even though it was a toxic one.

A month later he came by to pick up some stuff and I invited him in for a little bit. As he started to leave though he asked me for a hug and we both started crying. We had another frank and honest conversation where he said he's trying to change as hes realized how negative and angry of a person he is and how he hates him own self so he needs to work on being happy with himself. He also mentioned how he realized that a lot of his behavior was learned from his dad since that's how his dad treated him/his mom growing up. This was probably the most emotional maturity I've ever seen from him! He talked about how he wants to get back together and work at the relationship but he understands if I cant. I had to be honest with him and said that I wasn't completely writing our relationship off but I was leaning towards not getting back together. Also talked about how worried I was if we got back together things would maybe be okay for a bit and then fall back into old habits. Talked about how he had to do his growing for him, not for me and a chance to get me back because that might not happen. Talked about how it would be a good idea for him to seek professional help with his depression and anger issues. It was a very very hard conversation but good.

Now it's been almost two months since he moved out and he came by today to pick up a package that got delivered here instead of his new place. He did try and get it rerouted but it didn't happen unfortunately. So he came by. He looked so depressed and sad but thankfully I was wfh so I couldn't invite him in to chat or anything. The loneliness hit me super hard after he left though. It made me think, oh maybe I should try again. But I had to realize that, no, it's not him I'm missing, it's having someone around. He was really really horrible to me and I don't think two months is going to change something so deeply rooted in him. As well, I don't think I'm ready to forgive all the hurt and pain he's caused me. Maybe one day I will. But right now, I need to end it, not lead him or myself one with hope of getting back together because I honestly don't think we will. I think it's gone too far and there's no turning back on what's occurred. God it hurts so much though. Like I've spent almost 6 years of my life married to him. September 27 would be our anniversary actually.

I'm also terrified of having to essentially start over. I am the type of person who loves love! I like being in a relationship and I see myself having a partner again. But goodness I have no idea how to date or flirt or do all of that!! I started dating my husband at 18 and then got married at 21. I've only ever been with him. I've only ever kissed him. I've only ever had sex with him and even that barely because wow when you're being emotionally abused and manipulated, it doesn't help the vaginismus (sarcastic shocked Kirk meme here). I somewhat wonder if vaginismus has something to do with that too. Like my subconscious didn't fully trust him and made it harder. We did have penetration a couple of times, however it wasn't ever really good for me. Hell we barely had any kind of sex in the past two years because either I was completely horrible at the task or it wasn't PIV and that upset him. Ugh. But like what does that mean for future relationships?? Part of me wants to just go out there and have a fling to see if maybe that'll help but it probably won't because I need to trust them first. Ugh. Just everything sucks so much and I don't want to start over but I have to and we'll see how that all goes with my vaginismus.

I've got a lot to talk about in regards to the emotional abuse and also other life stuff including: leaving a religious cult, working at a hospital during a pandemic, maybe becoming a witch???, and future dating updates hopefully. Lol I need to go to a therapist omg

Sorry to just word dump, I've been needing to get it out!!!

#vaginismus #relationship stuff #relationship problems

[blookmallow]

time for skyrim, wherein i briefly remember to check in on the plot and then promptly get distracted away from it again five seconds later 

ah. that. is absolutely made of flesh, huh

oh fuck is it time. are we doing this 

so reading the scroll caused me to get. teleported into a moment in time when alduin attacked before, i think ? ? ? ? it was very confusing and overwhelming

OH this is bad this is very bad 

so now i think im supposed to. talk to someone about a thing to sort out potentially Trapping A Dragon In The Middle Of Whiterun which i have. not been doing 

however speaking of whiterun i finally fucking managed to kill these two alik’r guys who were just stuck in the walkway (i already finished that quest ages ago and couldn’t do anything else to interact with them, they would just say like generic ‘good morning’ responses if i tried to talk to them, they were just Stuck there) without getting caught 900 tries later. i dumped their bodies under the bridge and somehow nobody suspects a thing even though i dragged them down here in plain sight of like 2 guards. nobody saw me kill them, so clearly i am innocent here 

straight and to the point, i see 

ive been on a recurring quest with this guy giving him more and more money to excavate this tomb where all his miners keep getting murdered by draugr over and over again in the most incompetent mining expedition the world has ever seen, but i have so much fucking money at this point it doesnt bother me in the slightest i just think its really funny (and i can Hear a dragon shout wall somewhere so i figure i gotta keep this up until they get it unburied) 

oh 

he was getting them dead on PURPOSE

come to think of it this does look quite a bit more like ritual sacrifice than draugr attacks but what do i know  

[sitcom mom voice] raaaaalis, did you murder all those people? [laughtrack]

i guess he was either killing people or was possessed to kill people or was at LEAST sending people to their deaths intentionally, im not sure, for the glory of ahzidal and its not entirely clear whether he was a knowing, willing participant in this mass murder or if he was just being used by ahzidal but ultimately i decided i didnt really care, ive killed tons of people including The Fucking Emperor Of Skyrim, for the glory of the night mother, so Who Am I To Judge 

haven’t we all committed murder because some ancient powerful being told us to. come on now

so i just let him go :’) i dont know if theres any particular consequence here one way or the other, i see him around the tavern sometimes but he doesn’t really want to talk to me (reasonable enough) 

PLOT TWIST: THE FALMER WERE THE FUCKIGN DWARVES’ FAULTS APPARENTLY?

this cabinet has been stuck in the shelf for ages now (or maybe it always was and i didnt notice before) in my windhelm house and i figured it would eventually reset itself but uh. no such luck, 

ok you can’t really see what’s going on here but THIS FUCKIN GUY :’) 

so i broke into the markarth temple of dibella bc i had a quest stuck in my mission log to steal a statue from them and i didnt really want to do it but i was tired of it being there and i really, really wanted to know what secret ritual was taking them this fucking long to complete so like. i just kinda walked in. i didnt try to sneak around them or anything which is apparently not what you’re supposed to do bc my dad didn’t even KNOW about this whole thing when i mentioned it bc ‘just waltz right on in there like a dumbass’ hadnt occurred to him as an option, but anyway, 

the dibella priestesses catch you and they’re like ok maybe you can earn forgiveness if you go find and rescue our future sybil (like. prophet/speaker for dibella i think) so i agreed to do that

id much rather rescue a child from the forsworn than steal a statue for some rude old drunk guy anyway 

i go to investigate and i find the kid’s dad, and im like hey ill save your daughter, and he’s like oh i must come with you to help and im like sure sounds good lets go 

THIS GUY GETS KILLED. SO FUCKING EASILY :’) HE TOOK ONE ARROW AND DIED ON THE SPOT

so THEN i got really, really goddamn determined to get this fucker through this forsworn camp some fucking how, i did not want to show up to rescue this child and have to tell her i let her father get murdered, and it was too late to go back and tell him not to follow me, but i did have a quicksave to reload from before we left the village 

so i just kept going. i kept trying. i kept running ahead of him and killing as many forsworn as i could before he could get up there and get insta-killed again. i kept repeatedly healing him and watching where he was at all times to make sure he didn’t die again. and i fucking did it i got him all the way through to his daughter ALIVE AND WELL 

i did get a little reunion scene between them, i dont remember if he gave me anything at the end or anything so there’s not Really any reason to go through that much effort to keep this dumbass man alive other than “how much do i care about the wellbeing of this fictional child” but i am proud of myself nonetheless 

the “Fuck All Men” ability. very nice

#lucy plays skyrim #scooby dooby queue

[hanorganaas]

So I am doing a bit of an emotional dump because these past few days have been an emotional roller coster and in a good way.  And I just need to let it all out so forgive me for the rambling

The fact I can finally say I am moving out to a community that could finally help me thrive I couldn’t at home and actually fit in with the people is just a wild concept for me, because I thought would be stuck in a house or thrown somewhere because my mom couldn’t handle the fact i was standing up to her where I had more control over me.

I am happy about this, and though my ADHD puts me on the opposite end of the spectrum I can still fit in with people of all levels, some who you cant even tell have developmental disabilities and have a group of caring friends who wont judge me for my little stims and quirks while still talking about Star Wars and Marvel which I hadnt had since College. 

Most of all. I admit I have so much Anger towards my mother, she provided but still said such horrible and emotionally abusive things to me which fucked me up beyond control. It didn’t help because she is definitely emotionally unwell so it was like Russian Roulette being around her because you had to be careful what you did and what you said, especially since she craved attention, to look good in front of her friends. But......I know how much hating a parent who has been mentally unwell, eats you alive because I done it with my Father.

My father was an alcoholic, also suffers from Bipolar. Last year he became Sober with my brother who became an Alcoholic at 26 because of the same demons he went through with my family. But because of the Alcoholism and untreated Bipolar, he was just as ignorant and hurtful, (he still a bit of a dumbass but is trying). I was angry he wasn’t there. I was angry he didn’t understand me. I ignored him for years. I hung up on him many times. But the anger was so corrosive, it made me sick and physically ill. But when he became Sober this year, and we went through the death of my Nanny, while there is still anger I need to sort out which he knows about, I started to be less hateful and started to hang out with him more, and though there are still things that annoy the fuck out of me, I have been enjoying his company as long as its in small doses, and you know what just taking away the hatred I had in my heart for him and being willing to accept him for who he is despite the turbulant past, was the best thing that I ever did. Not having that Hatred just took away the heaviness and the black cloud. 

When my mom is not stressed and not having her violent mood swings where you have to be nice to her or she mentally degrades you, I enjoy her company. She still thinks my fandom world is fucking nuts, but sometimes shes willing to engage and learn more, and we have good laughs and talks. Its when she calls me selfish, accuses me of things, tries to put thoughts in my head, is when this anger and this hatred comes out. And the fact I live, well soon lived, with it and having these episodes last for days, like she says shes okay but this afternoon she was freaking out about not getting me to one of the things in the program on time and then crying in the car out of no where on the way home. And just like with my dad this Anger has made me sick, coursing to my body, affecting me to the point where I am winded and my body is on fire. 

And you know what yes, some of the things she said and did to me makes her underserving of my love. But I dont want to hate her. Its going to continue a three generation vicious cycle that started with my grandma probably being bitter at her mother for the same thing mom is bitter her basically and is continuing with me and if I dont break it, its going to probably continue with my daughter, whenever i have her because i definitely want kids someday. 

I want nothing more to have that understanding I do with my father than I do with my mother.  I cannot fix what happened. I can’t fix her sickness and her inablity to cope healthily instead rip people apart cause she is unconfident. But I can learn to love her. If I could love Carrie Fisher who I mannifested as my mother figure because of the issues I had despite the fact Carrie had issues and demons and did some unsavory things because of it, then I could love my mother too. But the only way is I can do this is to do the same thing I did with my father, not live with her and see her in small doses. So I can enjoy her and not wonder how long its gonna last. And living away is finally going to take the last thing has been a terrible load on my back, that has affected how i react and see myself and made me so damn defensive. 

Thats why I am so happy about this. I know if I heal things with my mother, its going to heal in a lot of ways too. I may not heal from my anxiety and ADHD which is gonna be with me my whole life and I am okay with it, stanning Carrie Fisher that me that, but I am going to learn to accept my mother for who she is, I am going to learn that not everyone is going to scrutinize everything I do, or mock me. I am going  finally know what it means to thrive even though I live conditions that knock me down sometimes. 

And for that....for the first time in my life, I dont feel hopeless. Going back to school for Data Analytics finally showed me what I wanted to do with my life and knew that even if it takes long to follow my dreams, I know I have direction. Healing my relationship with my Dad gives me hope I can forgive my mom too and I will break the vicious cycle of hatred. Being in this Community gives me hope I will get that acceptance and being able to thrive.

Hell, if I managed to meet Carrie Fisher and had her tell me how awesome I am before we lost her, got all those beautiful times and probably more with Ming Na Wen the woman I aspire to be, and fucking randomly met Harrison Ford the man I stan to hell in airport when I had no plans for that for that to happen, theres ony good things on the horizion right?

Anyway if you read though this dump which I cried three damn times writing thank you and I thank you for letting me space out this dump

#nor speaks #emotional shit

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

So I have a rant and a half build up of rambling about my very first Percy Jackson Oc Elysia and I need to let it spill so all of you get to hear this info dump about her and my feels

Im putting a trigger warning here I made her when I first read the whole series a few years back. Her backstory isnt the happiest. So im going to put trigger warnings for mentions of (but not going into detail of) abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, so if you cant handle mentions of that please dont read this I dont want to upset you

Anyways I have years of work into this bab of mine and I need to get it all out

Also An important thing to note is the timeline of her(and my other ocs) stories. Basically it kinda takes place...as if Trials of Apollo didnt happen?? Sorta? I made her before it ever came out and set her story after Blood of Olympus before trials of apollo was announced so its basically diverges after Blood of Olympus...if that makes sense...I hope it does. 

So basically....At the start of her story Elysia is 13 Nico is 16(from what I remember its been about two years since I read the books so please forgive me)

Ok this might jump around alot because im kinda word vomiting and info dumping about her so if something doesnt make sense please feel free to ask me to clarify I love to

OK SO MY BAB

So her full name is Elysia Angela Melina and shes a Daughter of Hades. At the start when she gets to camp shes 13.

Im going to attatch two pictures ive drawn of her to the post here

This is her with a referrence sheet of her at 13-14 and the digital picture is one of her at the present time that I tend to write about her at age 16.

So Elysia doesnt have things easy. She comes from an abusive household that really fucked her up mentally and emotionally before she got to camp. She ran away at 13 after getting kicked out of her sixth or seventh school and thigs got ugly at home. Stuff happened and she was brought to camp(im refining and probably going to redo how that happens) and well...she doesnt exactly fit in.

Shes on the shorter side for her age and shes lanky and skinny(partially from both skipping meals and sometimes only eating when she can sneak food at home) and she comes onto the scene wearing oversized hand me downs in all dark colors and long sleeves thats got a clear fearful and insecure posture and stance and is always trying to blending into the background and hide from being noticed. Shes got a thick mane of not very well cared for black hair and eyes so dark in color they look completely black, sometimes even in the light with pretty dark bags under them highlighted by really really too pale skin. So it makes her an easy target to be bullied ya know? But she silently takes it like she always does while clutching this beat up little backpack she ran away with as shes put in the Hermes cabin until she’s claimed(which has a 1-3 day delay depending on the god, because a lot of kids come to camp especially at the start of summer) 

When she gets claimed she freaks out and panics because everyone is staring at her and shes suddenly the center of attention because it happened in the middle of the campfire.

So begins the bonding with her big brother.

Shes got alot of inner turmoils and traumas and problems and inner demons and as a result she has undiagnosed anxiety disorders, depression, and some PTSD along with a very low amount of self-esteem and confidence in herself from the ordeals of before reaching camp. Though once shes at camp and she eventually settles in she starts recovering bit by bit. She slowly gets close with nico(it starts kinda awkward for both of them and she comes off really quiet and shy and terrified of sudden movement so its a little hard but they overcome it)

 By the end of her first year at camp shes gotten close to Nico but has a really hard time making friends with other campers her own age so she ends up sticking close to Nico and following him like his shadow because theres a period of time that heś the only person Elysia feels even remotely safe and comfortable around. And as a result at first she spends alot more time with Nico’s friends and various members of the Big Seven and she gets close to them as well(more to her siblings at first but she gets there shes a nervous bean give her time)

Though in the middle of that first year she meets a girl that soon becomes one of her best and closest friends, a daughter of Hephaestus named Karter Becks(the second oc for this fandom I made) and I’ll get to more about their friendship later.

So by the second year at camp shes settled in a little, shes decidedly become a year-rounder because she would rather be eaten by a harpy than go back to “that horrible place”as she dubs it(not to mention its very very dangerous for her outside of camp)

More things about Elysia!!!

At thirteen she had absolutely NO control of reign of her abilities. She couldnt raise or summon the dead, her shadow travel was horribly spotty and half the time she couldnt even do so correctly and her most experience with spirits is that she can sense them and she can hear and speak to them but she cant really see them( they appear as really really blurry shapes that hurt her eyes to look at for too long) of course she beats herself up over this lack of skill, mostly because she(stupidly but understandably) compares her lack of teaching and training and beginner skill level to Nico’s at the time current skill level. Yeah its dumb and yeah in the back of her mind where her common sense is she realizes this but she cant stop herself from doing so, just like she unfairly to herself compares her sword fighting skill to older campers that have been there longer. 

She eventually gets her own sword of Stygian Iron, because no matter what else she tries no other swords feel...right to her. They’re always too heavy or too light too awkward to hold dont work right with her swings or just dont feel right to her so at some point shes overthinking herself to death about it and beating herself up for being too picky when Karter suggests innocently that she tries swinging around her brother’s sword. “After all Elys, whats the worst that would happen, that it feels too heavy?” 

But what ends up happening is that though its too heavy for her, it still feels...right. The best way to describe it is that she feels more connected to her powers and to herself in a way. After hearing that she gets her own of Stygian iron and its...perfect to her. Its not too heavy on her wrist or too light to wield. And afterwards she actually starts getting some more confidence which helps her improve a little faster than before.

Once Elysia is fully apart of camp life it takes a long time for it to fully click that her belongings...are hers and her likes and interests and likes are respected. They wont get taken away or threatened, she doesnt have to hide what she likes or pretend she doesnt like one thing or another. She’s free to be her own person for the first time in her life and she struggles for awhile to adjust to that and accept it. Those struggles result in alot of scattered breakdowns and even one or two...relaspes that for once in her life she has a support system of her half brother and half sister, his friends, her two close friends, and chiron to catch her and help her back to her feet. She has people to lean on and depend on and not have to be afraid of and this helps alot into her recovery and acceptance of herself and her mental illnesses. It takes her two of the three years shes been at camp for her to get at the better place shes at when shes 16, where she now has a small group of good friends, shes managed to bring up some of her self-esteem and self  confidence, shes been clean for a year and shes in therapy for her PTSD and depression and shes opened up more to those around her and shes not the terrified jumps at her own shadow kid but a more quiet but kindhearted and sometimes even giggly teen whose slowly getting her life back together with plans for the future.

But on the topic of things she likes...

This girl loves-no ADORES animals, all kinds mythical or not. She didnt show it at first but she was so SOOOO excited when she realized the camp had Pegasi even though she tried to keep a distance from them because she realized she made them nervous. Oh man you shouldve SEEN her when Chiron took a group of campers her age into the woods and they caught a glimpse of a passing through unicorn. She was giddy about it for DAYS guys. She just...she has so much love and admiration and excitement for animals its so cute you guys.

Elysia also loves(ironically) learning about Mythology, from all over the world. Its her special interest and when she finds and buys a old broken touch screen phone(or one of those touch screen i-pod or something) and gets Karter  to fiddle with it and (eventually after shenanigan filled misadventures of trying to upgrade it to not be detected by monsters and fix the cracked screen) she fills that thing to the brim of downloaded auidobooks of different mythologies as she can and she listens to them when doing schoolwork(she ends up having do be “homeschool” by online classes because things just do not go right when trying to attend schools outside of the protected borders)

She also loves anything soft. Especially stuffed animals. Oh my god she loves stuffed animals, well into her teens. She had one she managed to bring with her to camp that is her ultimate comfort object, a older beat up and been through a life time of ringers and back stuffed husky doll that she cherishes and takes care of like one might take care of gold. Over time (once they found out her birthday--October 5th) she starts getting stuffed animals as presents or just even as little splurges on herself . She also loves soft blankets soft clothes soft anything. She loves the texture and feel of it and it makes her happy.

She’s an aspiring writer and songwriter and can even sing a little but she has no confidence in her ability in any of those. But she has boxes and piles of notebooks and journals filled with little cartoony doodles and pages upon pages of stories and songs shes been writing for years now

Fun fact during her first year at camp Percy and Annabeth dropped by for a visit during their winter break to visit friends and I have this whole little story I might post about hoe when Percy’s walking to go meet someone he finds Elysia sitting alone at the beach doodling animals in her journal and he goes up to her(shes sitting all curled up so at a distance it probably looked like she was crying or something) to see if shes ok and because Nico had been telling him about her via iris messages and updates since she got there but he didnt get to meet her during the summer(stuff happened and she kinda hid from alot of people) but he finds her and he sits with her(after announcing his presence because Nico has told him about her being very jumpy and easily scared and that at that point hes the only one she really opens up to so dont take offense to it) and they sit for a bit and Percy asks her about her doodles and she just, for the first time like ever, she starts to open up because she gets so freaking excited and hyper about it that she just starts babbling away about her doodles and the animals of them and then about animals in general and she goes on this whole, like 30-40 minute info dump/ rant about them complete with diverting tangent questions that she answers herself before continuing with this just lit up and openly happy and ecstatic expression as she goes on and on while hes sitting there just listening to her and smiling down at her partly nostalgically because at that moment she reminds him so much of how Nico was when he first met him and you got him started on Mythomagic and that shes being so open about her excitement and then she looks at him and realizing what she was doing and she shuts herself up now panicking about how much she just word vomited on her big brother’s friend and more importantly this huge shot demigod Son of Poseidon whose saved the world not once but TWICE and who is probably very busy too busy to be hanging around with her--you get the idea of her panicking until Percy slowly reaches out his hand and she nods to let him know its ok and he ruffles her hair and tells her its ok he liked listening to her and holy shit I went on a tangent about that. 

She also has alot of sweet bonding moments with Nico and Hazel because they teach her about having a loving and caring family and what thats like and its really sweet and cute and emotional

Did I mention she likes taking Nico’s shirts? Oh yeah she likes “borrowing” Nico’s shirts, and some of his jackets, mostly t-shirt and long sleeved shirts because once they get close his scent and presence really relaxes her nerves if she gets anxious. Of course its not stealing, its just borrowing and eventually giving back on laundry days...or he just lends it to her without being fully aware of it. Its cute because shes so short that they end up really big on her and she loves flapping the sleeves and the feeling of being engulfed in the safety of his presence without him even being there

ANYWAY COUGH COUGH 

uhhhhhhh....yeah thats alot about her huh I think i’ll leave you all with that to take it and make sense of and I might make a part two(or you guys can ask about her too) 

and yeeeeeeeeeee thats my PJO oc Elysia Melina!!

@phantommoonpeople 

@kid-crashed

@demidorks (im sorry if im bothering you by tagging you youre one of the pjo blogs I follow and one of my favorites)

#percy jackson #percy jackson oc #percy jackon and the olympians #my oc #oc info #oc introduction #i guess #my art #my artwork #art wips #pjo #pjoverse #tw abuse #tw self harm mention #tw suicidal thoughts mention

[exauhstedsunflower]

Hi same person as before! I already did the apologize and they mentioned that they don't forgive me now(totally respectable) they're glad I apologized.

The leader thing isn't offical but they're

1. second to oldest in the group

2. there's like a center to it(imma use intials as not to doxx) C, K, and F. A and K are done deal, A will always go with K, K will always go with A.

3. A is the oldest but hasn't been in the group that long so they haven't really got that trust aspect that makes everyone look to them so the "leader" position goes to C.

4. C doesn't like me all that much and I guess it's understandable. They have a mild dislike for younger teens and I'm friends with people they personally don't like and I've dated someone the whole group has a distinct hatred for(long story I won't get into)

5. Like I side theres a center of the group and C, K, and F are it. C doesn't like me, K and F tend to follow C's lead and if all three of em' are on board everyone else is.

Just thought I should clear up the leader comment. Honestly it's more of a look up to situation and the level of closeness varies withen the group. I'm closest to M and O. O isn't very liked on account of mild issues in the past and M well liked, they super partial to everything.

It's hard to just talk to someone who's going to just try and fix everything and also try to avoid conflict at the same time and with eventually end up in self deprication on their end(O)

and someone who while yes we're close we don't vent to each other, they're the person I trust to bounce my writing ideas off of and rant about my hyperfixations to when no one else will listen. Not someone I go to when I feel like absolute shit(M)

also I'm super sorry if this trauma dump-ish or over sharing or just hard to understand in general

Okay, so, sorry first of all for not replying right away! I’ve been a bit busy.

What I’m hearing about your friendship dynamics doesn’t necessarily make me less concerned about you. The pressure being the youngest in a group like that where the center person who people listen to and respect doesn’t like you much is not good. BUT that being said I’m not a part of this group nor do I know any of you personally, so I’m gonna have to take your word for it on this one. They’re your friends, you would know.

my revised advice considering you already apologized is to try integrating back in smaller amounts. Don’t just go on the main server. Message smaller groups, or chats where only a few are active. They’ll all get over it eventually. You’ve apologized. it’s up to them now to move on. If you want to know where you stand with them- I know this is a scary thing to do- but you should ask them. You won’t know until you ask, and even if its an answer you dont like at least you know. And then you can start the communication and path to mending you relationships. Talk to them, they‘re still your friends.

Sometimes crappy situations happen and you feel horrible about it but you need to keep in mind that soon enough something else will happen and this’ll all be in the past. You’ll just have to build their trust back. which is not impossible if they were really your friends in the first place. people make mistakes and in the end it just means you’ll never say whatever you said again. That’s growth! If you never said or did anything wrong then you’d never grow.

I really hope everything works out and honestly I hope you find a friendship group that is more welcoming, because you seem lovely. Don’t beat yourself up anymore, okay? You can’t expect anyone to forgive you if you don’t forgive yourself.

#Big sister advice

[swordofchrist420]

lenten thoughts

ignore if you don’t want to read- gonna be a lot about jesus and so fair warning.

i have a lot of thoughts, and hopefully as lent continues i’ll write a bit every day so i don’t end up with another post that’s this long, but this is gonna be a bit of a dump.

i;ve been thinking a lot about the pain and suffering that had to occur within the history of the christian church in order for me to have the religious experience that i do. there is no divorcing any sect of the christian church from white supremacy, and although greek orthodoxy is relatively pretty insular and not weaponized in the same way in america as evangelicalism, for example, it is still a descendent of the same christianity that bore the crusades, and the inquisition, and everything else the church has done. 

it’s so critical for me to come into conversation with those aspects of the church because it would be absolutely absurd for me to take the good parts of christianity and ignore the rest.

the way i look at my relationship with christ is really quite different than that of most christians i think, or at least the official doctrine of both eastern and western christianity. i’ve been reading Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thích Nhất Hạnh and it’s so illuminating because i keep reading things and being like “wow holy shit how did you know what i was thinking?” 

the main two things i want to touch on for right now are two observations he made that really hit me. the first is that he talked about how a barrier to learning about christ’s teachings is that the only requirement to be a christian is to accept christ as the living son of god. and that really struck me for a few reasons: the reasoning that he was explaining was that jesus the teacher had a lot of really good, practical teachings that can benefit anyone, and if the church requires you to accept him as messiah, then there’s a huge barrier of entry to even finding out what he preached. But it got me thinking about the flip side of that, which is: if the only requirement to be a christian is to accept him as son of god, then that’s a LOT of leeway for how you have to behave. It’s the same problem i have with catholics- act however you want, god will forgive you on your deathbed. But it’s act however you want, as long as you believe jesus is literally the son of god.

this leads me into my next point- the church stresses the acceptance of jesus as son of god, the literal son of god, a proximity to god that we do not have access to. But why is it so important to Other christ? is he not our brother? the book talks about how christ is born of a woman and a man, and his relation to god is the same as ours- he is the son of god as i am the son of god as you are the son of god. he is one door to the divine, in a long never ending line of different doors. thats how i view my relationship to christ- he was given to me at birth by my family when i was baptised, not because he is the only way, but because like, that’s what i got to begin my journey towards god. just like i was born into the circumstance of speaking english to communicate with people, i was born into the circumstance of having jesus as my language to speak to the divine, and for some people it doesn’t work, and for me it did. some people were given other doors at birth, some people find new doors in adulthood, it’s all the same thing. 

i really like how much Thích Nhất Hạnh uses the word teacher in relation to jesus. because i know the church calls him a teacher, but the way it’s used in the book feels so much more egalitarian. idk- i feel like theres the monarchist jesus of the church, that demands fealty and acknowledgement of his status as more-than-human, and then theres the jesus that i know and that i love so much, who is a man and a teacher and wants to teach you what he knows about love and god and life. and one is accessible and one is not. and the obvious answer as to why we’ve gotten stuck with the church we do is that the real jesus would fight for the oppressed, and thats dangerous to the ruling class. it’s just disheartening that it always comes back to that i guess. i don’t know. still thinking. if you read this that’s crazy thanks LOL

#lent #hahaha dude i have not written Real Thoughts in a while this feels so vulnerable #don't ssay i didn't warn u

[thots-and-ideas]

Tom I don't believe in grammar  but I just want you to know that I've loved you for as long as I've known you and wrote so many poems about you and when I hear songs they make me think of you. I hope you see this.

Last week when you picked up Solis you kinda slapped my arm in the way you do when you make that “pshhhh” sound. Last year on Christmas you handed me something and I felt your hand on mine and I swear I could feel the warmth from you like you intentionally exchanged energies with me but you’ve disciplined yourself to keep from giving me anything. The time you touched me before that was when Chris died. I couldn't tell if you wanted to hug me but God it felt good and I didn't even mind that we didn't say anything. Before that it was you begging to kiss me. For the first time you begged for me, couldn't accept what I was saying. It was the first time I really thought that maybe you could spend forever kissing me. 

You could have spent forever kissing the person I should have been. The feeling of warmth comes to me in my dreams and sometimes I wake up and remind myself that you're gone. I have dreams of you knowing who I am. I have dreams that you're apart of this family I've built for myself and for Solis. When I had Solis I was in no way sophisticated enough to understand how deeply flawed and unprepared I was to be a mother. Deciding to have Solis was never about keeping you. I wanted a love that would never die, how selfish was I? I knew I had something special inside of me and I couldn't resist that feeling of being a creator of my own world. What was inside of me could never leave me because she is tethered to my flesh, my blood, and my labor. How wrong was I? You and I facilitated someone who does not belong to either of us. I couldn't stand the thought of her not needing my body for sustenance, I couldn't stand the fact that she wasn't mine, but she was ours, but she wasn't. Do you understand? I remember taking a nap after she was born. I woke up to you next to me holding Solis. It was joyous. I always had these little pockets of hope that we could do this together, whatever together meant. 

Theres these messages I remember. You told me you wanted to be friends, and my response was “we’re not friends.” What did that feel like for you? My body felt like a dumping ground and you were a dumping ground for my pain that caused me. You were my friend. I was always so intimidated by you, amazed by you, entranced by you. At 15 you stood out to me. Your cute hair and your teeth I liked the way you laughed but you didn't really say much, that was okay to me. You played with my hair. You had a pull and I think if you were to think back maybe you would tell me that you felt the same way. You told me the other day that I have amnesia, I thought it was funny because I pretty much remember every single moment with you. The thing is, I for so long thought my anger and my rage was righteous. I was confused, I didn't understand why you were ashamed of me or why you hid me why you wouldnt call me your girlfriend, why I was expected to behave like an adult. In between those feelings there I was, causing chaos, losing myself in bitterness and self loathing. It was all my fault so I would punish myself but when I was faced with consequences of my hurtful and unhinged behavior I would punish you. 

For years, up until very recent years, I couldn't see myself. My body was disposable, I wrote a poem about myself as recycled trash. You can't know your own pain until you look It in the eye. The last few months of dating Karlos I couldn't afford my rent anymore, and couldn’t afford my downpayment on greektown house. I had to turn myself off to survive. I started going to the women in my life and coming to terms with my abuse, getting help for my abuse, Im still working on it very hard and it'll probably stay with me forever. But this is the lesson. I'm responsible now for that pain. Will I let it make me small or will I accept the support of my community who did everything they could to help me, and help myself while being lifted by love, and grace. I have blamed you for my pain for a long time, but there has never been a time I haven't wanted to heal from that with you, and I think that is the problem. I didn't want to heal with Karlos, if I believed in police system , he would be in jail right now for what he did to me. But for me to heal from you is to heal from myself. 

I remember the cruel things I said to you, just like Ill never forget how your touch feels on my skin Ill never forget the way I weaponized things you trusted me with and attacked you. I’ll never forget the way I would try and try and try to make you so angry to get a reaction. I put words into your mouth and created my own realities. It must have been exhausting, more than that... the point was to make you hurt like I hurt. That was always the point. I wanted you to love me and my delusions told me you didn't any you never would. 

You told me I needed therapy and I agree with you. We all have broken bits. I look at you now and see that beautiful smile and that way about you that I see in myself and in Solis. I knew I would see her in you and there's been no greater gift than this life we have all been able to provide Solis. I had troubles, those I hope you can forgive me for and understand me for. I couldn't get out of bed and Solis was my only will to live. I hadn't been able to harness that pain yet. I hadn't practiced ownership and self accountability. The pain I've felt from you is mine to carry and I promise you, I only carry lessons, lessons I'm applying. For Solis, for my chosen family, and for myself. 

I wish I could send you the poems I used to write about you, and some more of the things I would write Sol when she was in me. I always saw you in the brightest of lights and nothing ever dimmed that, not even my own lies I told myself about you. Biggest lie is that you didn't love me. When you said you wouldnt let me hurt you anymore I didn't know if you still felt anything about me. Like I was just some human you see sometimes that existed before  but its just a ghost now. I don't want to be remembered as that Lexei from you. The more I told myself you didn't care about me the more I pushed you away. Instead of calming down and being rational I turned to creating problems . Is it too late Tom? Have the lights turned off for you? Do you know what I would do to just sit with you, like normal people, and talk about our good memories and the joy we felt together and what you taught me and who we are now. I miss you so much Tom. Look at everyone who's in my life, they've been there for as long as you have. They're family to us. We wanted you here during quarantine. We want you to be a part of this family. Sometimes I dream about being together with you but I know that's just a delusion of grandeur. We could be friends. We were friends. I think I’ll always love you and always I will extend my apologies to you and I know it can be healing to hear “I'm sorry” from someone who has hurt you. I know its recent but Im coming back to me. Im passionate about learning how to be a healer and mindfulness and it has always brought me back to you. You still pull me tom. You showed me so much gentleness, you formed me in so many ways that I can't explain. We manifested a product of ourselves and she is the most perfect, flawed, complex, kind, smart girl who emits golden light into this world. She's a reflection of all that is good in us. You only want to talk about Solis and I get that. Im not sure why I keep extending but I keep seeing you in my dreams and I keep seeing you in Solis and I keep seeing you in real life and I can't take my eyes off of you. Sometimes I worry about you like you keep so much in, I wonder if you could ever trust me again but, Im here, and I love you. Ive made myself a safe place for people. You and Solis helped me in ways you'll only know if you see me through eyes of forgiveness. 

I don't know what the point of this is. You make things Clear to me all the time, but sometimes you flirt with me and I think sometimes you might be flirting with the idea of me. Flirt with it more. We can be a team, a real team. Not married mom and dad but, come be with the chickens and the family and you'll feel at home because when we’re together we are home. 

“oh how I love you, in the evening when we are sleeping.” 

I remember every song we listened to, I remember every fight, every time we played and played and played, and the piano fingers on my skin. Watching you play gently on the keys making such powerful noise. Thats why you're a good cook I bet. It’s all in the gentle finesse. You're a gentle dad and a gentle man and I'm so sorry for bringing that chaos and lack of privacy into your life, I didn't get it then and you did everything you could to make me understand. I wonder why though, you never let me go and why it takes you to treat me almost like I'm not a human, in your words “nothing” to be able to stomach being near me. Is it resistance or is is disgust? Ive done a lot of stupid things... make some stupid mistakes. The fucking phone dude... didn't even cross my mind.  Its your job to catch me on those things and tell me to cut it out. Im learning that we all need to pick each other up when we’re slipping. I love you tom. Im so proud of you, and I will always be rooting for you. I will always love you in a special way too. More than love like family. I want to touch your hand sometimes so badly and just grab you and hold you and smell you like the time in the harbor. Its hard to dream of you. 

There are so many things I need to be sorry. You didn't deserve what you've had to go through. I wish we could hug man. 

[im0nwpa-blog]

Probably the Best Sex of My Life

Wow. Alright, about 4 months ago I got out of an almost 4 year relationship that was.... well bad. Both of us got out of control and it was mutually abusive (DRUGS ARE BAD). Anyway, it finally ends.

Now, I am pretty timid. It takes a while to open up to new people and I don't really do large gatherings. Unless it's something nerdy like Magic the Gathering night or a LAN party, because I am a) a nerd and b) kind of... lived more than the average comic book shop denizen. Without going too deeply into the way overthought philosophy I have created: I am a hedonist and pursue pleasure, and in order to know if something is pleasurable you have to do it, so if it is safe - or consequences acceptable - then I'm game to at least try. This isnt something I broadcast too heavily, but I do find myself frequently in interesting situations while pursuing pleasure with innately poor autonomy.

It was at one such gathering for MTG Night that I met a girl we'll call Tess about 5 years ago. Something about a combination of huggy bombs, this girl totally fitting my type, and boosted confidence because of the environment I made a total fool of myself because I am terrible as a "pickup artist" of any kind. I dont really know how I've gotten with most women I've been with, it always kind of just happens (or lets be realistic, I had drugs and/or money, low standards, and an addiction to sex).

To describe Tess, she is very thin and tone with small perky breasts, brunette hair, a constantly sing song voice, and an incredibly lovable personality. Very much so a rural, Christian girl who loves her kin and prays before bed, but stills gets down because there isnt much else to do and Jesus forgives. A innocence seemingly beautiful in its purity that I can never help but wanting to show the other side. At least I thought.

Obviously she me down that night, but was really cool about it. We remained friends and humg out/smoked pot from time to time. As our comfort grew, we both became more open about more personal aspects of our life. Mostly that Tess loved sex and had a diversity of partners. I think half of it was an attempt to get my ex gf to dump me. In retrospect it would have made my life easier but thats life: theres a low for every high.

Flash forward to about 2 months ago. Tess wants to fuck a guy with a strapon. She really liked fingering a guy, now she wants to fuck one. Uncharacteristically, I saw I'm down. Fresh out of a relationship, curious, so why not. We still havent ordered the strap, but I think Tiff kind of assumed I was joking.

It comes up a few times, but still no real plan or action. And then last night happened. I get a message around 9pm:

Tess> You should come pick me up at midnight.. we'll go hang out at your trailer for like an hour.

Im0> I can prolly swing that :p

Tess> Be here at midnight!

I picked Tess up from her gas station job. We both admitted we were nervous. I told her this was probably going to be embarassing as I hadn't been laid in a while.

I should note here that for a while I have called my friend Tess a slut. Because she is and that's awesome. If there's informed consent from all parties you do you homegirl, men don't get shamed so women shouldn't either: own that fucking word. We aren't entirely PC people.

We arrived at the trailer and smoked a J to calm down, and it was a little awkward at first, but very quickly we fell into a groove. I had wanted to do this for years. This woman, in my mind gorgeous. I may have had an trusive fantasy or two. All I can say is somehow the fantasy couldn't touch reality.

She laid down on the bed and I awkwardly started teasingly asking her questions running my hand up and down her petite frame as I began teasing and nibbling her neck. She immediately let out a little moan and pushed her hips into me. I teased her, asking if she had been fantasizing about this to which she replied with a coy maybe.

I lifted up her shirt a little and kissed around her tight stomach, making sure to gently graze her panty line. Slowly I pulled down her leggings and underwear another moan escaped her lips.

I let my hands run up and down her long tan legs.i continued my nibbling and kissing on her inner thigh. Her back arched and she tried to shove her pussy toward my face. I sat up, pulling away from her already very wet pussy.

I scooped her up to me and took off her shirt and kept up my assault of nibbles and kisses. She could stop grinding against my leg.

Tess likes dirty talk, I knew this from her stories. I have some experience as a switch. I played with her nipples while commenting on how she was even sexier than I imagined. Her reply was a moan and arching of the back.

"You really like it when I say you're a slut, huh?" Her moans and increased breathimg tell me she does. "You are so fucking wet. I could get you to do anything right now, couldn't I slut?" Among the moans I hear a distinct "MHMM".

I finally make one last teasing run from her neck down. I tried to touch every bit of skin with my lips and tongue. Finally all that is left is her clit. I gently swirled my tongue around it and took it into my mouth and ever so gently suckled. Instantly she was bucking and moaning, loudly! Looking up from between her legs, her dripping pussy soaking my chin, and she came. I suckled just a few seconds longer before sitting up:

"That was so fucking hot. You really are a slut, your pussy soaked my face."

Her response was to pull me down to her, begin sucking on my neck while wrapping her legs around me and wildly humping me.

"Do you want me inside you?"

She let out an exasperated "Yes!"

"Not yet!" I said with a grin. I pushed her hands down and again began sucking on her swolen clit. Teasingly I worked a finger inside of her pussy. Even as turned on as she was, she was very tight. I rubbed those little ridges that are on the "top" and sucked on her clit.

Now I fucking love giving orgasms, and like to think I am a quick study. This girl came so rapidly and so many times I can't really describe it. There was already a wet spot forming on the bed when I finally asked, "Well, wanna see if my dick really is thick, my slave."

She could barely manage a "Yes," in between moans.

"Then beg for my dick slave Tess. Tell me exactly where you want it."

I slipped off my shorts as she breathlessly begged for me to shove my dick into her slut pussy. After watching her buck and squirm and beg to my satisfaction I slowly slid my remarkably averagr cock into the tightest pussy I have ever felt. Every time she orgasmed, which was seemingly with every stroke, shed slam our hips together and shake as her pussy clamped down on my dick. Wel alternated myself on top, sitting, and her on top.

I was in awe of how sexy she was. When I let out a growl she immediately pulled me down on her and squeezed mh dick in her velvet vise.

"Do you like my growling?"

She couldnt halt the moans, but she could nod her head yes while it was buried in my shoulder. Her mouth biting hard trying to suppress one of those super loud moans.

"You can be as loud as you want here, slut. Its kind of cute how you sound like wounded prey, whimpering and breathing so fast."

I slid my hand up to her neck, not doing a blood choke but still firmly placed. I whispered in her ear, "You're my toy now," and let out long low growl and started fucking her hard and fast, slowly gripping the sides of her throat.

This is when something I've always wanted to happen did. She squirted. This has always been a kink of mine. I stopped dead and she kept bucking up, slamming me into her and just shrieking. I began to feel the signs of cumming so I stopped and pulled out. Her hips continued to buck hopelessly.

"Do you swallow, Tess?"

"I can," she replied breathlessly.

"Good," I said as I laid back, "I want you to suck all of your pussy juice off my dick slutslave."

She eagerly complied and toom my whole cock into her mouth. It hardly fit (small mouth) but somehow she managed to cause a ripling sensation along the whole thing. I made her look me in the eye while she sucked my dick.

I spun her around eager to taste her pussy again while she sucked my cock. I noted how her juices dripped from her pussy. I gently pushed against her mouth making my cock go just a little further down her throat and told her how her pussy was dripping. I took her clit into my mouth and buried my face into that warm, wet cave. She had been opened up by my dick, but her legs immediately began to shake. I suck on her clits while running my nails dowm her back and burying my nose in her pussy. My entire face was absoluter covered in her juices when she began to shake and squirted again all over my face.

She began working her tongue around the head of my dick and I experienced a sensation I never have before. The intense pleasure of orgasm with no ejaculation. She kept me in that wonderful state for what seemed like forever before climbing on top of me, looking me dead in the eye and desperately saying, "I need your cum. Now, please."

There was a look of true desperation in her eyes. We were both totally out of breath and covered in all manner of nodily fluids. She rode my dick like a woman possessed. Even now every 7 or 8 thrusts I'd feel that clamping and she'd shove my dick deeper into her to keep it from being forced out.

Now, I kind of have a creampie/preg risk fetish. Newly discovered in the last year. We had agreed I would pull out, but at this point she was just begging me to cum, so I asked where she wanted me to.

She responded breathlessly, "Anywhere." And begind grinding me faster and even harder. I was in ecstasy. She was bucking me so hard and screaming as she came over and over again.

"God I'd love to fill your tight littlr slave pussy with cum."

Another blast of wetness meant that she had just squirted at the thought of me filling her pussy with cum. She collapsed on top of me, totally exhausted.

"Let's get you a drink, and I want to bend you over the couch."

She got up in an almost mesmerized daze and walked the hall. I am reasonably certain this is when she hit subspace. She took a few drinks of water and without being told bent herself ovet the side of the couch.

"Do you really want me to fill you pussy with my cum?" I asked as I lifter her ass up and slide my dick back into her pussy. She whimpered and pushed me deeper into her.

Coming Next Part 2!

[anti-yandere-dev]

hey so i 'redid' the yansim characters but not all of them i wrote 2 much so

[I put the submission under the cut since it was pretty lengthy]

hey whats up guys i had 2 put this in a submission as well as literally typed this in a note bc im on data & i dont wanna use a lot of it

basically my au takes place in a college instead. seems more fitting bc theyre actual adults & just feels Right.

theres more characters than there is in the original but thats mainly because i took the ‘genderbent versions’ & made them useful (i pretty much made them in2 siblings 4 some characters lol) anyways!! lets break down the characters

also lads, lassies, non-gender specific term for those bc i dont know the term, im givin yall a warning 4 self harm, suicide, nsfw implications/rape, possible drug abuse, and the rest of the Basic Criteria

Akihiko (Previously known as Senpai): He’s gay & trans. His name means 'bright prince’ which really has no significance, I just thought it was pretty……………and everyone views him as a prince bc he’s rly nice and kind and forgiving and actually has a personality other than being a cardboard box. Eventually gets into a commited relationship w/ 'Yandere-kun’ who I really need to give a name. Akihiko has a twin brother, I took that idea from the possibility of a younger sister, and admittingly(admittedly???) enough, Koumi’s 'genderbent’ Hanako. I’ll get into detail on his twin later, but they have a pretty good relationship. Akihiko (it was at this point i actually looked up a name 4 him & went back 2 edit stuff bc i h8 senpai lol) is still childhood friends w/ 'Osana’, who I renamed Ami(i4got her last name i had 4 her). However, neither of them have romantic feelings for one another, considering Akihiko is only attracted to males, and Ami is only attracted to females(theyre gay.). Akihiko actually meets Ayano when she is about to commit suicide, when he saves her. Ami is there with him, so they both save her. Aside from slight backstory related stuff, Akihiko is actually rather popular. People like him for an actual personality this time!! He’s very kind and puts others needs before his, which is rather dangerous. Ami has lectured him on this many times. Akihiko’s also known for having really good grades and being very helpful when it comes to tutoring others. He meets Ichirou (yandere-kun i literally just looked up anothr name his name means first son bc hes the first son btw lolol) eventually when Ayano invites him over. (sry this is everywhere btw i should have put this in2 a specific order) ngl i feel like this is enough on akihiko like if u wanna kno more abt him hmu on my main christopherpierre-official

Ami (Previously known as Osana): god shes so fucking gay like as soon as she met ayano she fuckign DIED bc she loves her so much???she thinks ayano is like. the prettiest fuckgin girl ever. holy fuckshit shes GAY AND WILL DEFEND AYANO WOTH HER LIFE!!!! Anyways. Ami comes from a dangerously abusive household, and as a result, took a lot of self defense classes when she ran away at age 13. (what year is tht in japan pls help) She still retains some of her 'tsundere’ personality, but she’s more thoughtful of others feelings. She met Ayano as she was about to throw herself into highly active traffic, but she and Akihiko were able to stop her before she could hurt herself. As soon as Ami and Akihiko were able to calm Ayano down, they called an ambulance/contacted the hospital, considering she had a lot of bruises and cuts. They would later find out Ayano’s father was extremely abusive, and the mother was unable to do anything because she was away on a trip for work. A lot of people know Ami for how assertive she can be, misinterpreting her mostly good intentions as aggressive. Ami is mostly known for her knowledge on medical related things, but she still has a slightly bad reputation because of how rude she comes off as. again thts enougb on ami if u wanna kno more just ask me!!

Ayano: still keeps the name bc I Like It?? its pretty fuck u. Ayano has none of her yandere personality. She’s fuckign AFRAID of everything bc of her SHIT ASS ABUSIVE DAD!! Her mom’s still kinda yandere tho, but she didnt kidnal the dad or anything. Their marriage is founded off of Pure And Honest Love…….until the mom kills the dad 4 being a homphobic shit bitch lol. Ayano actually has a lot of self harm scars. She barely gets to see her older brother, Ichirou, who is two years older than her, because he’s away or some shit idk he gets abused p badly too tho. Ayano is rly reserved & quiet & im debating on giving her bpd but its Iffy idk. she has ptsd & kinda sorta got raped by some Fucker in middle school (ichirou took care of the fucker (: hes dead.) so she has a lot of trauma going on here!! I kinda sorta projected some emotional trauma of mine onto Ayano;;; Obviously when Ami found out she was fuxking enraged. Ayano can’t afford to move out of her house just yet, and her brother can’t necessarily take her in, nor does he have her contact info. He kinda sorta left thr country for a bit?? Not sure what country I want this to take place in yet. However, Ichirou is fairly powerless against his father as well, so he took a lot of the beatings, (even tho this boy is fucking Strong as Hell like GOD FUCKIN DAMN!!! he can lift his own mom w/o an issue!! but he kinda left like right away as soon as he could & couldnt take ayano i mean she was still in high school & he Obviously has guilt over not taking her w/ him) but not as many as Ayano, seeing as to how she was the fathers least favourite. Her mother never married the father, and she didn’t want the children to inherit his last name either. …..anyways this is enough i thimk

Ichirou (Previously Yandere-kun): Gay. Loves Akihiko. Retains the yandere personality, but it’s not as bad??? He left the [insert surname household here fuck aishi its not even a Real japanese surname] household as soon as possible, and had immediate regrets. Loves his darling little sister with all of his heart, but it’s literally not incestuous. It’s just good sibling love………also he likes 2 embarass ayano a lot lol. As soon as he met Akihiko, who I never mentioned to have pastel pink hair, he fell in love like, right away? Even though I personally don’t believe in love at first sight (that’s a lie I fell in love w/ most of my anime bf’s @ first sight i can shut the Fuck Off) Ichirou was just??immediately enchanted by this beautiful prince…….he’s just that gay. He’s 2 whole singular years older than Ayano. actually not 2 whole years but w/e hes a scorpio tho. Ichirou has definitely been in relationships w/ other men b4 but they didn’t work out too well. Some rando called him 'daddy’ once and wanted to fucking Die he has shit experiences with his dad & hates the daddy kink so much. He also has ptsd. Doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions at all so he just bottles them up and lets them out all at once and it’s a mess. Also has self harm scars, and some scars from his father trying to Literally Kill Him. This boy……strong as fuck. Can lift his own mom. Has held Ami, Ayano, and Akihiko all at once. Somehow. He’s just a really good older brother? But he’s also really sneaky. While he is jealous of the time Ami & Ayano spend with Akihiko (the A squad lol i just realized their names all start w/ the letter a) he does respect that they’re really close friends, and nothing more. He’s also aware of the unsaid feelings between Ayano and Ami (vry perceptive) so he doesn’t care lol. However, he has little to no tolerance of anyone else being around him. He has a slight distaste for Akihiko’s twin, Kazuhiko (the name means harmonious prince i got a Theme goin on here) but he disregards the feelings. wow talk abt an Info Dump okay next 1

Kazuhiko (Previously the 'genderbent’ little sister/brother, made him into Akihiko’s twin brother): He’s actually a yandere too?? But not 4 Akihiko. He’s vry supportive of Akihiko tho. When he & his twin were in middle school, he gave his uniform to his brother bc he still got the sailor uniform, so he took it. There were some troubles but hey I don’t know how this shit is dealt w/ so please. Just accept this brother supporting his gay trans twin……pls….. He enjoys Ayano’s company. She reminds him of his gf/d8m8, the 'genderbent’ version of “”“"senpai”“”“ (theyre cousins but nobody knows yet so thats why) so he introduces them and they hit it off pretty well! Kazuhiko get Jealous™ and nearly exposes his yandere personality but his Lovely Beautiful Nonbinary Girlfriend reassures him tht they only love him. He loves Yuuka (their full name is yuuka minako) so much?? He would kill 4 them. Literally. He almost has. & b4 i accidentally make a cishet character bc i Refuse 2 4 some???odd reason idk, kazuhiko is a Bisexual Demiboy who fell in love w/ a nonbinary who is okay w/ feminine aligned things. Back on track, Kazuhiko is fairly popular w/ a lot of people for many reasons, and oh wow what a Fucking Cliche ppl r strongly sexually attracted to him!!coolio. he looks nothing like koumis fuckass potato lookin little brother btw. But a lot of people hate the fact that he’s in a Very Committed Relationship w/ Yuuka bc shes not that pretty damn!! But she is. She’s so fucking pretty. To him, at least. He basically fucking worships Yuuka. this is A Lot next character lol

Yuuka (Previously 'Senpai-chan’ or w/e lol): Nonbinary who’s fine w/ she/her pronouns, but also uses they/them. Very shy, Ayano & Ichirou’s cousin. Has a younger sister, and two older siblings who are twins. The younger sister is the old concept for the original little sister, and the older siblings are nemesis-chan & 'nemesis-kun’. While Yuuka and their siblings have lived a fairly abusive life, they haven’t sustained as much 'damage’ as Ayano’s family. Yuuka & Ayano are related by their mothers. They are sisters, only a year and an undetermined amount of months apart. This means after Ryoba, Ayano’s mother, or Sakurako, Yuuka’s mother, moved away, they lost contact with one another, never bothering to talk again. Yuuka and Ayano get along exceptionally well, and Hanako (u remember the little sister well her name stays the same bc its meaning is just flower child. also her design changes.) often refers to Ayano as an elder sister. Yuuka’s relationship with her little sister is somewhat strained due to the three year age gap, but they still get along regardless. Their relationship is strained because Yuuka promises to spend more time with their younger sister, but there’s not much time due to an overwhelming amount of schoolwork, as well as their job taking up a lot of time, too. Regardless, Yuuka doesn’t forget to call their darling little sister as often as she can, checking up on her and how well she’s doing in school. next 1!!!! also i4got 2 talk abt their relationship w/ kazuhiko here bc i was rly focused on mentioning family stuff…..oops (also 4got 2 mention mental health stuff??but like. yuuka has adhd, depression, anxiety, u can just ask me if u wanna know more tbh)

Hanako: i kept the name bc it just literally means flower child & honestly shes such a flowery child??anyways. Hanako retains little to none of her annoying rip-off-nico personality. Instead, she has set up a calm, shy exterior as a defense mechanism due to the many years of neglect she received from her father. (me @ myself y r all the dad characters fuxking Dicks in this like??okay damn.) On top of that, growing up, her mother was never around, due to the fact that she was in the hospital to a terminal illness. Instead, she had to rely on Yuuka for attention, since the twins, Tomoko (sister) and Kiyoshi (brother) left before she graduated her first year in middle school. Hanako also has difficulties with her schoolwork because she, much like her sister, has ADHD. Due to this, she struggles to keep up with the class, and has a hard time paying attention to almost anything that doesn’t interest her enough. However, she has many supports, helping her as much as possible in many ways, which does make her feel better about herself. After her mother had made a full recovery and left the hospital in her current year, she has felt much better about herself, and her grades have definitely improved. Although her father did leave her a while back when she found out he was having an affair on her mom, she still managed fairly well on her own. i mean cmon its not like she liked her dad tht much lol he was a Big Fucking Asswipe hanako isnt as fleshed out as i wished her 2 b but shes not That signigicant to the main story??idk. like shes still in highschool & shes only 17 & this takes place in college so??i dunno. i mean if u got suggestions or smth..sure

Tomoko (Previously Nemesis-chan, made her one of the older siblings bc idk y not lol: There’s not much to say about her. She’s 28, which is only 11 years apart from Hanako. She was entirely capable of filling in the missing mother role for her and Yuuka, but she herself didn’t know what to do. On top of that, she was more focused on getting the best grades out of the entire class, and was much better at academics than her brother. Tomoko has a very cold exterior. She is hard to connect with, and pays little to no attention to anyone elses feelings than her own. This mainly stems from the fact that her father, who she doesn’t even consider a blood related relative, was too busy messing around with other women. buddy i dont know what else 2 write 4 tomoko like she just has severe apathy issues & just doesnt know how 2 connect w/ others. next character

Kiyoshi (Previously Koumi’s shit ass 'genderbend’ Nemesis-chan): Unlike Tomoko, he was able to fill in the father-like role for Yuuka and Hanako. Due to having to take on the role of the father, it put a large strain on his academics and work outside of school. He, at one point, almost had to drop out to take care of his younger siblings, but decided against it. He eventually decided to teach Yuuka how to do her own laundry and how to cook when she was only 9. Due to this, Yuuka was able to take care of herself and Hanako while Kiyoshi could work and pay their bills. Kiyoshi was only 23 when he left the household so he could go to college and get a degree, leaving Yuuka at age 15, and Hanako at age 12. he could b more fleshed out but im??i dunno. im Panicking okay do u think i can work on a character tht doesnt rly show up in the story a lot.

anyways im just putting all of These Guys in 1 this 4 now bc this is A Lot as it is. ill do more later also give me criticism on these pls

--

I really like what you’ve done with the characters (especially now that they have personalities and stories behind them, instead of just nothing). Also, the names you gave them were cute.

-Mod Sega

#submission #yansim au

[fearofaherobrine]

Roleplay Server Log #147

"Brothers, Azrael and Slender, Mission of Mercy, Drunken Dragon”

[Jeff] - Let go!

[liu] NO!

[Jeff] - YES!

[liu] NO!

[Doc] Looks over at the two. - Hey Jeff? How's Jane doing?

[Jeff] - Snobby but beautiful... FUCK!

[Doc] Aww. I know she's still mad at you for burning her, please let her know she can come back anytime she wants and I'll work on her skin some more.

[gem] -lets go of jeff since liu has him-

[Jeff] - Shut up!

[Doc] But you will tell her? Won't you?

[Jeff] - Oh fuck no!

[Doc] Even if it would give you a better chance with her?

[Jeff] - No!

[Doc] shrugs- Okay. It's up to you. She'll probably get curious and come back on her own anyway. She seemed rather intent on having it healed, I think she just has trust issues with me.

[KB] No. It's just me who can turn into a cat. My Steve isn't the brightest person I know, that's all I can say.

[Doc] What's the situation on your home seed KB?

[Jeff] Growls and struggles against Liu-

[liu] -is doing is best to not let go-

[Jeff] Struggles out of Liu's grip-

[liu] nooo brother!

[Jeff] Bolts a distance away with Smile running after him-

[KB] Hm? How my world is in general? Or?

[Doc] Well you're here, so I wondered if it was something specific that made you leave and go wandering. Some brines flee because of war, others just because they feel unwanted.

[KB] I come and go wherever I feel like most of the time. I guess I just needed a break from my own universe.

[Doc] Ah, okay. Well you're always welcome here.

[Notch] Can I ask... what your NOTCH is to you? Apart from someone you don't like.

[KB] My Notch? I used to rule my universe with him, before he exiled me. So I see him as greedy and careless.

[Notch] What happened between you to change your alliance?

[Doc] We did have a case where one NOTCH AI injured and impersonated a more peaceful one in order to destroy his brine.

[KB] He said I was getting too violent with the power. And he found out something else. Which I don't want to share. And huh. What happened with that?

[Notch] I understand.

[Doc] Maybe if you feel more comfortable in the coming days or months we can speak of it again, if you wish.

[Notch] It was very sad... It was Cp's father. The NOTCH that raised him and Stevie. Another NOTCH invaded their seed and impersonated him. It nearly destroyed CP and drove him straight into the arms of Slender and his ilk. I was there when we found his father, so glitched he was dying slowly in a bed tended by the other refugees he'd gathered. I.... watched him go, and Cp just... crumbled. Stevie doesn't know. He thinks I'm his real father. Please don't tell him.

[KB] Maybe. We'll see. And yikes. Guess not all Notch's are good then.

[Notch] Their temperments vary as much as Herobrine's do. Cp's father was kind-hearted. And the ones we took in as refugees are peaceful. Most of them have some kind of PTSD and just want to be left in peace.

[Doc] They're not on this seed exactly. It's a sub seed I've loaded on a console. It's in a locked room underground and they can't get out from there without one of us. But they have plenty of space to live and build where they are. They're sharing the seed with several Enderdragons, mostly babies.

[KB] Oh. I see. My Notch is all about "peace" and wanting what's best for his world. -He cringed a bit, baring his fangs.- Guess I was ruining that "peace."

[Doc] A control freak and a griefer are never a good combination. But then I guess banishment is mild compared to some of the horror stories I've heard.

[gem] like mine he was very much a horror story he ripped off my wings

[Doc] See?

[Jeff] - Who fucking cares!

[gem] you should about you brother

[Doc] I don't expect you to give a shit Jeff. As far as I can tell you only care about yourself.

[liu] -is on the ground crying-

[Jeff] - Hey, I care about my dog too asshole!

[Doc] Rolls hir eyes.

[Notch] Goes to Liu - Hey... It's gonna be okay, don't cry.

[liu] I just want me and jeff to be close again

[Notch] Sits down beside him, - I know. It's hard. But creepypastas teach eachother that showing emotion is weakness, it's hard to get around that mental block.

[liu] he can't even forgive him self when I forgive him.

[Notch] I know... It's like Cp and Stevie. I want to see them close again as well, but Cp never stops fighting it.

[liu] -is calming down and wiping away his tears but he is still sniffling-

[Notch] Rustles around in his inventory and offers Liu a cookie.

[liu] -takes the cookie- thank you -noms on the cookie-

[Notch] You're welcome - pats him on the shoulder. - And if you need someone to talk too, I'm usually around. I've got a new house right in front of Lies - Points

[liu] thank you notch

[Notch] Anytime. Are you still knocking around Doc's house? Or have you made yourself a place yet?

[Stevie] Opening a side door- Father!  I'm hungry!

[liu] I've been staying at doc's in jeff's old room but I think I am going to make a place around here soon

[Notch] Perks up a little - Rude, but acceptable. [At Stevie]

[Stevie] - What's rude?

[Notch] Don't be a stranger, okay?

[Notch] Turns to Stevie- It's not nice to demand that people do things for you. It's much better to ask politely.

[Stevie] - Oh...  Sorry...  But brother does that all the time with Lie!

[liu] I wont be.

[Doc] Yeh and it's not okay for him to do it either, but he's a bit big for the frequent spankings it would take to correct his behavior. You, however, are not.

[Stevie] - No!- He runs back inside

[Doc] Looks over at Notch. - You or me?

[Notch] Gets up with a sigh - I'll do it. - Goes after Stevie. His voice can be heard as the door shuts. - If that's the way you want to be; bad little boys don't get any dessert.

[Stevie] - I'm not bad!

[Doc] Grumbles- you will be if you model your behavior after your brothers....

[Jeff] - ...  Who the fuck was that!?

[Doc] Hmm? That's Cp's little brother, Stevie.

[Jeff] - He has a brother?

[Doc] Yes. They were estranged for a long time. But he got a bad potion and turned back into a child so Cp and Notch and Lie are taking care of him.

[Jeff] Starts laughing- Stupid fucking asshole fucking deserves it!

[Doc] What? Taking care of his brother? Cp loves Stevie or he wouldn't be doing it.

[Jeff] - Yeah right, just like he "loves" that whore?

[Doc] You know every time you call her that I have to resist the urge to smack that look off your face. Lie is not a whore and Cp does love her and his brother. You're just jelous that he can show some affection without having a panic attack and running away like you.

[Jeff] - I do not have a problem and the bitch is a whore!

[Doc] Do I have to dump more honesty flowers on you? Get over yourself Jeff. You're likely also mad that he actually managed to secure a relationship when you fucked up so badly.

[Jeff] - Hey, I'm perfect and beautiful

[Doc] There's good self-esteem and then theres being a narsisstic ass bag. Guess which one you're doing?

[Jeff] Flips Doc off-

[Doc] No thank you. I also have a mate already. Because I know how to properly treat someone I love.

[Jeff] - Shut the fuck up asshole

[Doc] Is flapping hir fingers in the form of a mouth in time with Jeffs words.

[Stevie] Comes running back outside-

[Doc] Gives him a suspicious look -

[Notch] Comes out running after him. - You get back here!

[Stevie] Whines-

[Notch] And stop whining. I thought you wanted to eat?

[Stevie] - But I'm not a bad boy!

[Notch] At the moment yes you are. You're running around all crazy instead of eating your lunch, that you demanded no less.

[Stevie] Shifts nervously before approaching Notch-

[Notch] Holds the door open for him- That's better

[Stevie] Walks through-

[Notch] Fading as the door shuts- I made chicken and potatoes, just be good and eat.

[Jeff] - You know what, fuck this place, I need to get back to Slender, who the fuck can open a portal for me?

[Doc] Cp can do it. Also Silver and Splender.

[Jeff] - Endrea said CP was resting

[Doc] You asked who could, not who would. I think Glitchy and Strangled can make portals too. But I'm not sure where Glitchy is or if Strangled will even talk to you.

[Jeff] - Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

[Mew] Mew.  -Just plops onto Doc's head-

[Doc] Hey I'd let you out but I can't make portals into the real world, only into other games. -is bonked- Oh! Oh, hey Mew.

[Mew] Mew.

[Jeff] Grumbles angrily-

[Mew] Owner would take you back. But good luck finding him. I think he was at that place with all those horses last? - sways tail back and forth-

[Jeff] - What fucking place with all the horses!?

[Mew] Well If you were to ask nicely...... I might show you....

[Jeff] - Fuck that

[Mew] Well! Then you're stuck here!

[Jeff] - Screw this! I don't care is he's "resting", like that Bayard sleeps anyways, in gonna go tell at him-Starts tromping up the stairs to Lie's house

[Doc] Shrugs and follows, Xe makes a gesture to Kittybrine and Liu to do the same if they want. -

[Jeff] Kicks the door in, breaking it- Hey fucke- Whoa!

[Honedge] Is now on the defensive-

[Doc] Yeah it's not hard to break wooden doors, but breaking into a brines house is a super quick way to get your ass kicked.

[Jeff] - Fuck off you stupid sword!

[Honedge] Prepares for an attack-

[Mew] Get rekt, prick. -making a nest out of doc's hair-

[Doc] Hey Mew? Fair warning, you may get Pikachu-style shocked if you rub my hair the wrong way, Why don't you sit on my shoulder instead?

[Mew] ...Nah, its comfy here.

[Doc] Okay, just don't want you to get pissed off because of something that comes to me naturally. - a little bit of a crackle spikes along the edges of hir hair.

[Doc] Decides to walk over a bit under the bridge and call out - Hey Lie? Are you up? You might be needed to stop cp murdering Jeff in a few minutes.

[liu] -is looking though the door watching jeff-

[Lie] Grumbles as she pulls the blankets on the bed closer- Oh come on, it's ben a relatively quiet morning!

[Doc] I'm sorry Lie, but i think it's nessesary

[Lie] Groans-

[Jeff] Is busy dodging the angry Honedge- FUCK OFF YOU STUPID FUCKING SWORD!

[Doc] I have something to show you if that makes it any better

[Lie] - But the bed is warm!

[liu] jeff be careful.

[Doc] but your entryway is about to be soiled with bloodstains

[Lie] - ...  CP, there's somebody at the door

[CP] Growls a little and shifting can be heard as he gets out from under the blankets and starts making his way towards the front door-

[Doc] He might not be there for long....

[Honedge] Jabs forwards as it spots an opening only to be jerked to a stop as CP grabs it's sash-

[CP] - That's fucking enough

[Doc] waves cheerfully

[Jeff] - There you re you fucker!  Open a fucking way out!

[CP] - Did you seriously disrupt my morning just for that?

[Doc] he just came to pick up Smile

[Jeff] - What?  It's not like you and that whore were doing anything!

[CP] Immediately punches Jeff in the face which sends him tumbling down the stairs-

[Doc] Glutton for punishment

[liu] jeff are you ok?

[Doc] I told you he loves her, you're so stubborn

[CP] - Go ask BEN to let you out

[Doc] See this is why you need to teach me Cp

[liu] ben is busy with hyrule.

[CP] Grumbles and glares at Doc, he's not happy about his morning being interrupted-

[Lie] Comes out of their bedroom, heading for the workroom- I'm going to get some breakfast

[Jeff] His nose is now bleeding- YOU FUCKER!

[CP] - I don't care what BEN is doing, this fucker is his partner, he can deal with him

[liu] I think aven is too tired to watch hyrule because of the giant flood she accidently made

[Hope] Peeks around CP's leg and mews a little-

[Mew] Mew.

[Hope] Mews at Mew-

[Mew] Meww.

[Doc] is standing in the doorway, and falls into step behind Lie

[Lie] Yawns a bit as the Vulpix runs ahead of her- So what brings you out here Doc?

[Doc] I was just keeping an eye on Jeff, but he seems determined to get slapped around by everyone on the server

[Lie] - I wonder if it's like that in the real manor as well?

[Doc] maybe less then you'd think since the Slenderbeings seem to smack them when they get out of hand

[Lie] - Perhaps that's a good thing in his case?

[Doc] He's a narcissist and emotionally constipated, I'm not sure corporal punishment as done much for his temperament so far.

[Lie] - Well what can we do then?

[Mew] Owner punched Jeff once. -Just leaning down a bit and resting paws on Doc's face- Once. It was oddly satisfying to see though!

[Doc] pushes up Mews paws-

[Mew]-Slides them back down very slowly- Mew.

[Hope] Is following them-

[Doc] Lifts Mew off and sets them down in front of Hope. - I think that's enough of that

[Hope] Sniffs at Mew-

[Mew] You're no fun. Normal cats are so boring...

[Hope] Pounces Mew-

[Lie] Yawns again as they enter the work room, spotting Notch and Stevie eating- Morning

[Stevie] - Morning miss Lie!

[Doc] So anyway I have something to show you, TLOT did a little floral project and I put some enhancements on it, but I think you could make it grow normally and maybe get some seeds from it rather then just me copying the same plant over and over.

[Lie] - Oh?  What is it?

[Doc] Xe takes out what looks like a potted bird of paradise bloom, the petals ladder up from purple to red in a rainbow pattern.

[Lie] - Okay...  Was he bored or inspired?

[Stevie] - Pretty!

[Doc] Actually it's a defensive plant, it makes interference when you shake it. If you're vigorous enough it makes such a riot of colors and lights you can make someone faint with it.

[Lie] - Okaaaaaaaaaay...  What brought this about exactly?

[Doc] We were thinking of calling it a Color Plume unless you've got a better suggestion. Oh? I think the thing with the peacock was irritating him and he thought flowers would be more relaxing. The usage was my idea.

[Lie] - I see, and I don't mind the name at all

[Luna] Is carrying a bundle of laundry down to the laundry room of the manor, she's still nervous about being in the manor-

[Solace] -Folding laundry to have something to do, he can't exactly leave yet, after all.-

[Luna] Trips as she goes through the doorway with a small yelp-

[Solace] -A tendril flicks up to stop Luna from falling to the ground-

[Luna] - Ah, thank you Solace...

[Anne] Scoffs as she walks past Luna with a stack of bloody bandages which need washing.  She see's Luna as pathetically weak-

-There's a tiny gust of wind that blows under the front door of the manor, it wends it's ways down the halls with ease since two of the more powerful Slenders are away. It amuses itself with a puff of cold air on Luna's neck. -

[Luna] Yelps a little and tries to turn around in Solace's tendril to see what's there-  What was that!?

[Anne] - Nothing, you stupid little girl, honestly, your too skittish

-The quiet entity chuckles to itself, drawing a feather it was gifted invisibly across Anne's cheek.

[Anne] Lifts her hand and rubs under the straps of her medical mask before dumping the bloody bandages into a bucket of cold water-

[Xophiel] Whispers a few words to Luna. - Slender should know. There are wolves in the woods, but they'll eat the SCP too.

[Luna] - Seriously!  Who's there!?

[Xophiel] A... friend... of the one who saved you.

[Luna] Is still very nervous- Solace?  I'm hearing things...

[Xophiel] Shhhhh, just deliver the message little one.

[Solace] This place tends to do that, don't worry about it.

[Xophiel] Offender especilly will understand.

[Luna] - It's saying there are wolves attacking the SCP?

[Anne] - Wolves?  No animals can be within the woods proper without the Master's knowledge...

[Xophiel] They're not ordinary wolves, and their master is far harsher then your own. But it does allow them so fun occasionally.

[Luna] Is getting more than a little panicked now as she moves closer to Solace- Solace?  I don't like this...

-Solace tucks Luna close with her arm, tendril retreating now that Luna was close enough-

[Solace] It's fine, I promise Luna. This sort of thing is normal here, odd things happen all the time.

[Luna] - If...  If you're sure...

[Luna] - Wha...  What do you want me to do?

[Anne] - How about you shut your mouth

[Solace] Anne, if you're smart, you'll stop.

[Anne] - You are not my Master

[Solace] Maybe not, but I will not tolerate that attitude.

[Anne] - And why should you care?

[Luna] - Solace, it's okay...  I'm not as strong as them, it's...  Understandable, that they be irritated with me...

[Solace] Even so, that gives them no reason to be rude.

[Anne] - Well you'd better get used to it

[Anne] Begins working on washing the bandages-

[Xophiel] Has added ink to the washing machine so the bandages come out nearly black and smelling faintly of cassia.

-Levels a mildly annoyed look on Anne, not that you can tell.-

[Solace] - begins to lead Luna out of the room-'

[Anne] - What the fuck?- She pulls out one of the bandages and scowls behind her mask- What the hell? We need these for the others!

[Luna] - What's wrong Anne?

[Anne] - The bandages are somehow even more soiled! I swear, if this is someone's idea of a joke...

[Azrael] Has manifested near Slender and is catching souls as he kills the SCP

[Slender] Can sense Azriel, having run into him a few times before- It has been some time, old companion

[Azrael] wryly - I'VE BEEN BUSY, YOURE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH FAMILY YOU KNOW.

[Slender] - True, although mine of late keeps being taken from me and...  Changed- He sends a tendril straight through a humans torso raising them up to impale them on the branches above

[Azrael] IVE HEARD SECONDHAND AT LEAST, BUT DONT YOU THINK THINGS WERE OVERDUE FOR A LITTLE SHAKING UP? YOUVE BEEN ATTRACTING A LOT OF ATTENTION WITH YOUR FAMILIES ACTIONS.

[Slender] - Yes I know that!  I was hoping they'd have gained more control by now

[Azrael] there's  a slightly smug cast to his skull - I GUESS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER HOPING FOR A DIFFERENT RESULT IS THE DEFINITION OF MADNESS. INSANITY IS GETTING TOO BIG FOR HER BRITCHES ANYWAY, SHE NEEDS A NEW DIVERSION

[Slender] - She is what she is, even she is finding it harder to find victims

[Azrael] ITS BECAUSE ONE OF HER COUNTERPARTS HAS BEEN DISTRACTED AS WELL. HE LOST SOMETHING AND EVEN NOW HIS MINIONS ROAM YOUR WORLD SEARCHING FOR IT IN VAIN.

[Slender] - I see...  Still, as knowledge of our existence becomes more well known, the more difficult it becomes to hunt, they avoid the woods, they avoid Offender's roses, they avoid the sights which the digital pasta's sometimes use to hunt as well

[Azrael] THEN I wOulD sAy... let them heal. - he's seems to be struggling to keep his funeral intonation at a more normal tone and it's a sound Slender has never heard from the lipless mouth of Death.

[Slender] Tilts his head in interest at the sound- I have tried, I have watched them, to see if it were capable of it, even with Insanity removed I'm having to stop Jeff from cutting open his face, Jane still has her night terrors about the night Jeff tried to change her.  Even though she is gone, her effects seem to be too far ingrained into them

[Azrael] THESE THINGS TAKE TIME, I OF ALL SHOULD KNOW. BE PATIENT. THE ONE AT THE HEART OF THIS IS INTERESTING, ARE THEY NOT? IVE FORGIVEN THEM FOR BRINGING A FEW CHILDREN BACK TO LIFE IN RETURN FOR THE MULTITUDES THEY RELEASED. SOME HAD BEEN WAITING 100 YEARS TO BE GIVEN UNTO ME.

[Slender] - I will admit they are interesting, they did prevent me from losing Sally...  But what are these others you mention?

[Azrael] THE CHILD CAPTIVES OF YOUR CLOWN PRINCE. THEY WERE HEALED, MOST PASSED ON TO THEIR PROPER REWARDS. BUT A FEW REMAIN INSIDE THE DOCTORS SANCTUARY, WHOLY DIGITAL NOW AND PLACED WITH NEW FAMILIES. SOME CREATURES CALLED TESTIFICATES.

[Slender] - Herobrine had mentioned those before...  And before you ask, no, I will not give the precious child to you

[Azrael] BE AT PEACE SLENDER, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN TAKING YOUR CHILD, SHE IS NOT SUFFERING LIKE THE OTHERS WERE. AND LIU WAS REVIVED WITH MY PERMISSION AND TAKEN IMMEDIATELY FROM THE WORLD WHERE HE NO LONGER BELONGS. I HAVE NO QUARREL WITH DIGITAL LIFE FORMS.

[Slender] Growls a little- The matter of his brother has been driving Jeff into distress

[Azrael] WHY? WAS IT NOT WHAT HE WANTED? I KNOW HE WAS RELIGIOUS IN VISITING THE BOYS RESTING PLACE.

[Slender] - Yes he was, but it is the only kill he has ever regretted, he cannot bring himself to forgive himself

[Slender] Stabs another human, beginning the process of disemboweling the human-

[Azrael] I GUESS IT IS ALL ON HOW DEEPLY HIS BROTHERS LOVE RUNS. HUMANS CAN BE RATHER TENACIOUS- he reaches forward and plucks the soul from the screaming human, holding it like a delicate egg in his skeletal hand.

[Slender] - Oh come now, you could have let that one suffer longer!

[Azrael] looks a bit irritated- I AM NOT YOU. AND THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I WAS UNABLE TO INTERFERE IN WHAT HAPPENED AROUND ME. THAT TiMe hAs... passed. I DO NOT THINK THAT TAKING ONE SOUL A LITTLE EARLY IN THIS FOREST OF HORRORS WILL LEAVE YOU HUNGRY. I HAVE... LATELY LEARNED THE VALUE OF A SINGLE SOUL EVEN MORE DEEPLY THEN I EVER FELT IT BEFORE. - he puts the glowing soul gently in a pocket of his robe.

[Slender] - You know full well I do not feast upon souls...  And I have met the one who bears your powers...  And since when do you interfere?

[Azael] SHE DOESN'T JUST BEAR MY POWERS SLENDER, I HAVE HERS AS WELL. I THOUGHT I GAVE HER A GIFT, BUT THEN I REALIZED IT WAS MORE A TRADE IN MY FAVOR.

[Slender] - You still have not answered my question

[Azrael] SINCE I... - his voice changes again, it seems a little deep but normal and calm-  I... was given free will.

[Slender] - A powerful ability, I remember when I gained it myself, not long after I first entered this dimension

[Azrael] SUCH A SMALL THING, BUT SO IMPORTANT. I'VE HAD GOOD FORTUNE IN MY DEALINGS. I HOPE YOU HAVE THE SAME IN YOURS.

[Slender] - I simply want my family back again to how it was, plus a few new additions I have heard of

[Azrael] ADDITIONS? AH, THE WIVES... I FEAR THAT YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED THERE. ONE IS ALREADY A CREEPYPASTA AND HER MATES TOUCH WOULD PURGE HER, AND THE OTHER CARRIES ANOTHER ANGELS PURIFYING FLAME.

[Slender] - I saw the flames of the one, and I've been informed of BEN's touch.  I must say it will be interesting to see how things turn out with Herobrine's mate

[Azrael] IT'S... not the healthiest relationship, I think. BUT SHE IS PATIENT, AND THE DOCTOR IS RATHER PERSISTANT IN MOLDING HIM.

[Slender] - So long as he is still capable of doing his job then I would not mind a little less violence.  There is a reason I usually refer to him as the Destructive Child

[Azreal] WORRY NOT, HE STILL DELIGHTS IN MISCHIEF AND SHADENFREUDE. IT IS SIMPLY, MORE CONTAINED NOW. I THINK HIS FREQUENT SOJOURNS AS A BEAST HAVE TAUGHT HIM SOME EMPATHY FOR THE WEAK.

[Slender] - Ah yes, I heard about the feline form- He senses some electrical equipment nearby and blasts it with an EMP

[Azrael] Bigger smile then usual - I'VE SEEN THE PICTURES.

[Slender] Sighs- If the others know I've seen it they will want to as well

[Azrael] I DIDN'T SAY I HAD THEM ON ME. YOU'RE SAFE FOR NOW. I MUST SAY MY DAUGHTERS FRIEND... IS QUITE ENTERTAINING. SHE SEEMS FILLED WITH A NEW PURPOSE TO TEACH THEM ALL KINDS OF INTERESTING THINGS.

[Slender] - Yes, I believe your daughter had a hand in helping my little one

[Azreal] OH YES, and with my blessings, I know how important Sally is to you. SHE WAS qUiTe adaMant iN telling me you were rude to her friends as well.

[Slender] - I was out of my territory around your child!  I had a right to be on edge!

[Azrael] She was upset because you tried to infect someone who was terrifed and only there to meet you. Akhet is very serious about people keeping their promises.

[Slender] - You know that I do not have absolute control over Insanity, it was one of the moments where my control...  Slipped...

[Azrael] She uses you Slender. Someday you'll have to admit it. If only to yourself. - Death gives him a wicked grin- Perhaps it's time you had a few more dealings with this Doctor. They seem quite competent and determined for a being that somehow managed to forget their own name. - chuckles and then speaks more softly- I know you'd be lonely without her voice. But perhaps I could introduce you to Lilith, I think you'd get along quite well.

[Slender] - Insanity has been here as far back as I can remember, even before I entered this dimension

[Azrael] So? She's old, so what? What about Tiamat? Do you have any problems with reptile women?

[Slender] - Why does it seem like you're trying to hook me up with someone?- He grabs a few more humans and snaps their necks

[Azrael] Just making suggestions. I think.... TimE is MOvinG alonG AND yOU NEED tO MOVE WITH IT, OR PERHAPS... BE LEFT BEHIND.

[Slender] - Horrors like myself are more effective when considered something much older.  Besides, from what my brothers say, the more modern times are rather hectic

[Azrael] As if you've never lied about your age... These are interesting times, I agree. SO MANY HUMANS, BUSY BUSY BUSY.

[Slender] - Luckily the youth are still just as idiotic as ever, daring each other to enter my woods

[Azreal] You wouldn't believe some of the ways I've seen them meet their ends... THEY THINK THEY'RE IMMORTAL AT THAT AGE.

[Slender] - Why do you think so many of the pasta's are of youthful age?

[Azrael] You certainly have your hands full Slender, I'd think you'd welcome some of them being absent and someone else's problem for  a while.

[Slender] - Their absence is a chance for them to come to serious harm...  Especially with some of their mentalities...

[Azrael] You... really think they can be hurt in a place where I have little to no authority?

[Slender] - Just because they are near impossible to kill, doesn't mean they have not come home with limbs almost missing, blood greatly missing, or most of their bodies burned

[Azreal] Stares at him for a long moment - YOU REALLY KNOW NOTHING OF THE GAME IN WHICH THEY RESIDE, DO YOU? PERHAPS YOU SHOULD BE ASKING MORE QUESTIONS WHEN YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY.

[Slender] - It is pointless for me old companion, Even with the games barricaded to withstand my powers, I will still cause harm to it

[Azrael] ARE YOU SO SURE? YOUR BROTHER SPLENDERMAN SEEMS TO HAVE ADAPTED VERY WELL. THOUGH IT IS PARTIALLY BECAUSE OF SOMETHING MY LITTLE ONE MADE FOR HIM.

[Slender] - I will owe her nothing

[Azrael] I DID NOT OFFER. THAT MAGICK IS HERS TO GIVE IF SHE CHOOSES AND SHE DOES NOT TRUST YOU NOW. I AM MERELY... I am only saying that it is stronger then you assume. IT IS A WORLD THAT MAKES IT'S OWN MAGICK, AND TAKES GOOD CARE OF IT'S OWN.

[Slender] - And I take care of my own as well

[Azrael] Casts his starry eyes on the carnage around them. He sweeps out a silvery wing and gathers a few more souls close to catch them in his hands. - I KNOW.

[Slender] His head snaps his head around, letting out a staticky hiss- Masky- He begins to quickly move through the trees towards his proxy

[Azrael] Follows curiously -

[Slender] - After several long hurried strides he finds Tici Toby supporting Masky, leading his away from a clearing.  There's blood blossoming on Masky's chest and a bit of it trickles out from under his mask

[Azrael] Hangs back and checks Masky's lifetimer.

[Toby] - M-m-master, he g-g-got-crack- shot

[Slender] - I can see that- He kneels down to check his oldest proxy over

[Slender] Hisses again- Toby, go find Offender, now

[Azrael] Grins to himself, he gives the lifetimer a bit of a shake and puts it away. Melting back into the shadows of the woods.

[Toby] Gently puts Masky down before running off to find the other Slender brother-

[Slender] His tendrils wave menacingly in the air as he waits for his brother, a single SCP agent dared to get close and was immediately destroyed.  There was a soft sound as Offender teleported nearby, no usual sign of his cocky nature as he kneels next to the proxy.

[Offender] Without a word lifts Masky's jacket and begins drooling on the wounds, his saliva a natural healing agent-

[Slender] - How many are left?

[Offender] - Not too many, we should have either chased them out or killed them within the next day or two

[Slender] - Make it a single day

[Offender] - Got it, you know, Rake and some of the others are injured as well?

[Slender] - Which is why I have Anne back at the manor prepping.  Who isn't injured?

[Offender] - Jane isn't, and I don't think Locklear is either...  Jeff still hasn't returned with Smile though

[Slender] - Then get him back here!

[Offender] - Hey now, talk to Splender about that, not me

[Slender] He's about to snap at Offender when there's a whirring sound and a large blade sliced across his back, taking some of his tendrils with it.  Offender quickly reaches out with his own tendrils, grabbing his brother and Masky before teleporting them to the manor-

[Offender] - Hang on brother

[Offender] Reaches out mentally for Splender-

[Splender] Stiffens as he hears Offender's message, quickly teleporting to where Jeff is and grabbing him- We need to go, now!

[CP] - Whats the rush Splendy?

[Splender] - Big brother is hurt!

[liu] whats going on?

[CP] - What, Slender is hurt?

[Splender] - That's what Offender said!  Now where's Smile?

[Smile] Snuck in after Lie and Doc to beg for food-

[Smile] Whines at Doc-

[Doc] Peeks out the back door - Splender?

[Splender] - HI!  CAN'T TALK< NEED TO GET TO REAL WORLD!  SMILE COME HERE!

[Doc] What's going on? You look rather agitated. Wait, where's Ej and Sally?

[liu] -hugs jeff one more time- bye jeff come back and visit.

[Splender] - BROTHER IS INJURED!  NEED TO GET THERE!

[Doc] Shit, really?! - wide eyes

[Splender] - YES!- He starts making an opening

[Doc] Is kind of sidling forward, - do you? Need help?

[Splender] - I DON'T KNOW!- The main foyer of the manor can be seen through the opening

[Jeff] Is growling a little-

[Doc] Yells- CP! I need you!

[CP] - I'm right here asshole

[Splender] Is already pulling Jeff through who calls for Smile to follow-

[liu] -is waving good bye to jeff-

[Doc] Is obviously torn between the urge to help someone hurt and not wanting to be somewhere xe can't get out of, the thoughts are loud enough for Cp to hear quite clearly. Xe bites hir lip in a panic and gives him a rather helpless expression.

[CP] Grumbles- Fiiiiiiiiiiine

[Doc] Grabs his hand gratefully and pulls him through with hir. - Thank you

[Smile] Comes barreling towards them from behind and accidentally bumps Lie through-

[Lie] Yelps as she falls through-

[Doc] Stoops to help Lie up, - ah shit....

[Splender] Isn't paying attention as he shuts the opening-

[Lie] - Thanks Doc- Shudders as the atmosphere of the manor falls over her

[CP] Is on high alert, knowing that Lie is there-

[Doc] Spawn one of the flowers you made for Sweet Alex, it should cut the smell.

[Anne] Goes past carrying many bandages and towards the living room-

[Lie] - Good idea- She spawns a mild one, not wanting the smell to be overwhelming

[Splender] Races after Anne to the living room-

[Doc] Follows at a quick pace.

[Slender] Is on the ground, his black blood spilling from the large gash on his back, there are visible stumps where his tendril were.  Offender is next to him gathering his saliva-

[Doc] Holy.... Sorry in advance Slender! - Runs right for him.

[Slender] Gives off an aggressive static hiss-

[Splender] - Careful it's not often that brother is in this sort of pain, it makes him aggressive

[CP] Keeps Lie close to him, debating if he should have her wait in his room or not-

[Doc] Xe spawns a bucket of lava and takes a handful before putting it away, Xe grips it like a ball and cauterizes the stumps of tendrils with it.

[Slender] His remaining tendrils whip out at Doc as fast as a bull whip-

[Offender] Reaches out with his own tendrils to try and contain Slender's-

[Doc] Gets smacked in the face and hard enough on the arm to send the ball of lava flying into the fireplace where it eats a small hole in the brickwork.

[CP] - And something else for me to fix...  Great

[Lie] Spawns a few of her healing flowers around the room-

[Anne] Is laying out bandages-

[Doc] Hits the floor with a muscular crack. - Fuuuuck! - Hir leg is twisted at an unnatural angle.

[Lie] - Doc!

[Doc] Xe lets out a growl of hir own and turns to sit flat before snapping the limb back into place with a burst of static.  - Want to play rough eh? - Xe pulls out a needle and thread.

[Splender] - Be careful Doc!

[Slender] His static is growing to near painful levels-

[CP] Checks on Lie to make sure she isn't effected by the static-

[Doc] Bolts forward and wraps an arm around Slenders neck from the back, Xe sticks the needle into the cloth of his suit and struggles to hang on as xe's bucked around.

[Slender] His mouth opens wide, sharp teeth bared as he tries to get his tendrils free from Offender, Lie's healing flowers aren't as strong here as usual-

[Doc] Gets a good grip on his neck and is actually stitching his back wound as the Slender being tries to bite at hir arm under his chin.

[CP] Pushes Lie back and away from the danger-

[Doc] Bites off the thread and spawns a healing potion before splashing it over the wound and a large area of the carpet.

[Offender] Grins- Well that seems a tad more efficient than my saliva

[Doc] Nearly bites off hir own tongue from the bouncing - Slender! Please calm down!

[Slender] Angry noises-

[Doc] Suddenly stops - OH! DUH! Offender! Let go of him!

[Offender] - Nope, he will impale you faster than you can imagine

[Doc] No, I've got this! Trust me! I'm faster!

[Offender] After an affirmation from Splender he let's go of his brother's tendrils-

[Doc] Is already transforming, faster then lighting xe's wrapped around Slender like a python, with all his remaining tendrils pinned against his body -

[Slender] Releases an EMP blast-

[Doc] Swears very loudly-

[Lie] Yells a little and grips herself in pain-

[CP] - SHIT!-  He's quickly going over Lie's code, trying to correct it

[Doc] Jerks reflextively, going rigid like someone electrocuted. Hir jaw accidently smacks Slender on the top of his head.

[Slender] Hisses-

[Splender] - We could always lock him in his room...

[Doc] Is still holding Slender securely - I think I'm gonna throw up - xe wheezes.

[CP] - Hang on Doc, let me take care of Lie first

[Doc] I'm not errored. I just need a drink.... oh gods anything.... please

[Splender] Darts to the kitchen-

[Doc] Is obviously dizzy. - That may be the rudest thing a patient has ever done to me....

[Offender] Pulls a bottle of whiskey out of his coat and offers it-

[Doc] Just opens hir jaws for it. Xe's holding Slender with hir paws anyway-

[Offender] Dumps the bottle in- I have more if you want any

[Doc] Swallows the burning mouthful and hir head sways for a moment. - Please.... little more....

[Offender] Pulls out another bottle and pours more-

[Doc] Gives a little hiccup and hir expression softens as hir head goes fuzzy. - Thanks for that.

[Offender] - No problem

[Splender] Returns with water- HERE YOU GO!

[Doc] Focuses on Slender again - And you... you are rude. Rude rude rude!

[Offender] - Yeah...  He's out of it, this always happens when he gets this injured

[Doc] Rolls a bit to free one paw, xe pats Slender on the head- Reminds me - hic- of somebody elshe I know.

[CP] - Shut it Doc- He's got Lie's code almost completely corrected now

[Doc] Nope! Not gonna. because, Because I did gooood. I get to gloat a liiitle bit.

[Lie] - Is...  Is Doc drunk?  Here?

[CP] - Yup

[Doc] Immm not. That's a dirrty lie. Hahah, Lie isn't dirty though. She's lovely and mostly white.

[Lie] - What do we do with Doc now?

[Doc] Do? You don't haf to do nuffin Lie. Me and mah buddy Slendie here- xe flips hir tail fluff towards him - we're just gonna... gonna chill on the carpet for a leetle bit. -hic-

[Doc] Oh an shanks for the drink Offie, fucking interference dosen't hurt so bad when my heads fulla wool blocks and alkiehol.

[stopsubstanceabuse1-blog]

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