#so have the results of my most recent bout of procrastination

[bunny-hoodlum]

Saw you mention ADHD inattentive? And I had not heard the specific kind of adhd but what you described sounds true to me (also can’t do a diagnosis right now). But I’d consider myself a very creative person. I want to create freely like I did as a child, improve, and excel but I struggle with the motivation. I end up scrolling on my phone or watching tv. How do you manage that or deal with it without being hard on yourself? Thank you for your time!

So I've been looking into ADHD more seriously in the past three years. I've had bouts of anhedonia and the most recent one last for two years and it got to the point where I couldn't even watch or read two-seconds of anything without it feeling utterly painful and I had no idea what the hell that was about. But I at least had the awareness after it happened often enough that my attention span was fucked and I genuinely didn't seen to latch onto or enjoy anything anymore and I thought 'Wow, guess this is adulthood for me, sheesh'.

I also thought back to myself as kid growing up, some things I knew I did and some things I did that had been told me. Apparently my dad thought I might be autistic when I was 4, but never followed up on that. Nobody cared that I was a good test taker but rarely ever turned in homework. Oh, ooh, she must just not care, wah. My mom told me stories as an infant that align with me being an HSP baby, and I def have Rejection Dysphoria which is kinda getting better but sometimes still results in petty Splitting spirals. 😅

Sorry, none of this has to do with your question but maybe it'll useful to someone else. 😅

So the funny thing is, I am not addicted to social media. 😭 I barely use it. So I don't have anything personal I provide about that, but you could try going minimal on your phone. Just dummy the hell out of it. Remove apps, etc. I know companies be breaking how their shit works on mobile browser, at least for me, the site gets app-blocked basically. "Open in App", "Get our App", ugh. 🙄😮‍💨 But when you make distractions harder to get to, you can readjust your reliance on it. Backtracking slightly, I used this method to cut off my 'addiction' to Reddit. I still rly don't get hooked on socmed otherwise. 🤔 I always bookmark stuff or keep the tabs open, and say I'll get to it later. 😅 I'm always accruing things for myself or some creative endeavor. I kinda relate to Markiplier in that way, that the only time he hangs with his friends or makes friends is if it's during a project. His whole life rotates around the next idea and the next idea. 😅 Forgive me, I'm rambling quite a bit.

Tldr; make distractions more inconvenient, lol.

If you feel like your symptoms are unmanageable, their could be other disorders that you need to take care of. Some ADHD-havers need stimulants and others need anti-depressants.

I'm a stimulant-type. I started taking a $30 B-complex supplement when I noticed that Monster energy made me feel better. I get high caffeine blend plus 2 shots of espresso from my preferred gas station. As a female, I had to pay attention to my PMS symptoms making me sleepier than ever. Some shit got out of balance and I was a goner for the following two weeks.

Your next question about not beating yourself up. My suggestion is trying meditation, maybe getting an ONO roller or something like it, something to make your hands busy when you're trying to devote your attention to something. Just focus on clearing away the background processes of anxiety in your internal task manager and try to visualize how you'll feel when you get that thing done.

Like, I still procrastinate on folding the laundry. It'll literally take me 20 mins or less and I can watch videos while I do it, but I just don't for rly no good reason. 😅 But it's better to feel guilty while doing the thing you've been avoiding, then feeling better after becuz it's done. And then maybe the guilt lessens becuz you've created this routine and positive association, 'Hey, I can do this thing. Hey, this actually takes no time at all.' You know?

I'm no expert and everyone's experience is different. But I recommend looking into it more for yourself. The HowToADHD channel is a pretty good one to start with. They are like the definitive channel for sure. I know that Dr. K put out smthn a couple years ago as well, but all in all, you can only do your best and try to retrain how you do things. There's stuff too like the Pomodoro Effect... 🤔 Just try to find what works for you! Even rn I'm so distracted with writing that I haven't been drawing at all, so I'm just managing myself, pretty much just scraping by. 😅

Oh yeah, I started opening all the cabinets to make putting dishes away easier. Idk if that's useful to you, lol. ADHD requires quirky solutions, haha.

Sorry this turned out so long! I'm wishing you all the luck! 🙏🤗

#personal #adhd inattentive #adhd in women #undiagnosed adhd #some maybe good advice for anon lol #forgive my longwinded answer 😭

[bsdndprplplld]

13 IX 2022

my euclidean geometry journey will be over soon and the start of the semester is so close, it's kinda scary

recently I stumbled upon someone's post with a time-lapse video of their study session. I liked it so much that I decided to make mine

this is me learning about the snake lemma and excision

the excision theorem is the hardest one in homology so far btw, I spent about 4 hours on it and I am barely halfway through. I like the idea of the proof tho, it's very intuitive actually: start simple and tangible, then complicate with each step lmao

I realized two things recently. one of them is that deeply studying theorems is important and effective. effective, uh? in what way? in exams we don't need to cite the whole proof, it suffices to say "the assertion follows from the X theorem"

yeah right, but my goal is to be a researcher, not a good test-taker, researchers create their own proofs and what's better than studying how others did it if I am for now unable to produce original content in math?

the second things is that I learned how to pay attention. I know, it sounds crazy, but I've been trying another ✨adhd medication✨ and after a while I realized that paying attention is exhausting, but this is the only way to really learn something new, not just repeat what I already know. it made me see how much energy and effort it takes to make good progress and that it is necessary to invest so much

I am slowly learning to control my attention, which brings a lot of hope, as I believed that I had to rely on random bouts of hyperfocus, before I started treatment. I am becoming more aware or how much I am focusing at the given moment and I'm trying to work on optimizing those levels. for instance, when I'm reading a chapter in a textbook for the first time, it is necessary to remember every single detail, but wanting to do so consumes a lot of energy, because it means paying constant attention. it is ineffective because most likely I will have to repeat the process a few more times before I truly retain everything. being able to actually pay attention at will sure does feel good tho, as if I had a new part of my brain unlocked

I am solving more exercises for algebraic topology, procrastinating my lecture prep lmao. I am supposed to talk about the power of a point and radical axes, I have a week left and I can't force myself to start, because there is so much good stuff to do instead

I have a dream to produce some original results in my bachelor's thesis. it may be very difficult, because I hardly know anything, that's why I'm calling it a dream, not a goal. the plan is to start writing at the end of the semester, submit sometime in june

I spent last week at the seminar on analysis and oh boi, I will have to think twice next time someone asks if I like analysis. the lecturer who taught me at uni had a different approach than the "classic" one. we did a little bit of differential geometry, Lie groups and de Rham cohomology, those are the things I like. meanwhile at the seminar it was mostly about analytic methods of PDEs, the most boring shit I have ever seen

complex analysis will most likely be enjoyable tho, I'm taking the course this semester

for the next few days I need to force myself to prep that damn geometry lecture. other than that I plan to keep solving the AT exercises and maybe learn some more commutative algebra. I wish everyone a pleasant almost-autumn day 🍁

#mathblr #studyblr #math

[raedear]

#turns out it's really hard to focus on a job you've come to hate when you've got a new one waiting in the wings #so have the results of my most recent bout of procrastination #tog #the old guard #togedit

[studium-stardust]

so hello to everyone who's reading this. i really don't know why i'm writing this on here, but i think with running a studyblr, i also need to be more responsible about what i post, because i’m no producitivity queen.

i think i said this in my intro post as well, but i started a studyblr to be more realistic + be accountable. i made my most recent post last week sometime, but it has been a fortnight since i posted an *actual* studyblr post.

to oversimplify, the last two weeks were difficult. my mental health was not up to the mark, i was not very productive, and this subsequently resulted in me not posting on my studyblr, because i didn't want to seem like i was not "working hard". i do tend to have perfectionist tendencies, and it is one of the reasons i have not posted frequently in the last two weeks.

i wanted to list somethings i have noticed, which are indications of when my mental health starts going downhill. 

i tend to procrastinate (because i'm anxious about the work i need to get done), don't get a substantial amount of work done during the day, stay up till late at night to compensate for the lost time (but don't get much done because i'm not productive at nights), or sometimes because i can't fall asleep because of the guilt. and because i went to bed late, i don't wake up early the next day, and beat myself up for it. another day passes in a whirlwind, not feeling like working, or even doing anything.

i know how it feels to keep feeling bouts of anxiety and stress, some which last so long that all your energy is wasted trying to just stay awake and getting through the day. you study, but it doesn't feel like you have done anything, because you don't feel confident during exams. you score bad on a test. you see disappointment on the faces of the people who say they don't expect anything from you and who don't want to pressurise you when you tell them you scored bad on a test. you've lost hope in all your dreams and aspirations, because it feels like you're not good enough for them. but your only hope for being successful in life is doing well in these exams, because you don't belong to a particularly rich family.

so, a reminder for me - and all the students that are struggling as well, 

please, don't give up. i know it seems hard, and impossible, and you feel like you can't do what you thought you could do. you think it would be easier to quit, to just let it be; but please, i urge you, don't give in to those stupid, dark thoughts that breach your mental peace so often. you can do this, and even if you don't achieve what you originally planned to, whether in a day, a week, a month, a year, or even two years, don't be disheartened. life will give you innumerable opportunities, and this one failure does not define you. failing is okay sometimes. don't be afraid of failing, please. it will all be okay.

i might delete this post, but i think i will use tags of some famous blogs for this to reach as many people it can before i do delete it.

also, thank you so much for 100 followers! please give me some suggestions for what i can do to celebrate!

#heysaher #heyzainab #myhoneststudyblr #studiousliz #boldlystudy #jeonchemstudy #studyblr #eintsein #sarahgoghstudy #serendistudy #starrystvdy #student #stemblr

[wevegottogetaway]

A Meaning of Love

It’s been barely two months since Harry and y/n moved in together, and yet, they feel like they’ve never seen less of each other before. The past few busy weeks have forced their routine into a high tempo of quick morning encounters, even quicker lunch break phone calls and countless half-asleep take-out dinners (few nights ago, y/n had been that close to face-plant in her soup had Harry not tenderly rubbed her back and urged her to ‘finish your soup, love, befo’ I take yeh to bed’). 

By the time Friday finally rolls around, they are still both swamped in unfinished projects and boring paperwork that nobody really wants to sort out but that has reached its procrastination limit expiry date. And the worst is, even in the midst of this perpetual race against time, they still find some to miss each other and yearn for a quiet and relaxing evening.

Looking at the fancy clock in her office, y/n realizes it’s 7:26pm and she’s the only remaining worker on her floor (or probably all of them for that matter). Her head is throbbing and she has to read every sentence of the manuscript in her hands at least 3 times in order to get even the most remote idea of its meaning. 

Exhausted, she dejectedly throws the document back on her desk before leaning back in her chair and harshly rubbing her face with her hands. She finds herself thinking of Harry, counting how long it has been since they last shared a couple-y moment. She just misses it. The intimacy. The idle talk, the deep conversations, the laughter, the cooking sessions, the movie marathons, the other kind of marathons…just the time to share and simply be together. Recently, it’s been all about coordinating their schedule to the best time-efficiency possible and she absolutely loathes it. 

‘Fuck that’ she thinks as she starts gathering her stuff. When she’s done saving her work and turning off the computer, she makes her way to the elevator while pulling out her cellphone. In a matter of minutes she’s ordered food from Harry’s favorite place and is already on her way to pick it up. The frown previously etched on her face is finally morphing into a soft smile. She just wants to spend a casual evening with him, make him feel better after the hectic week they’ve had and maybe convince him to prolong said plan throughout the week-end too. 

Still at the studio, Harry thinks he’s gonna lose his last hanging nerve if he doesn’t figure out what in hell is missing in the bridge of his new song. It’s 7:35pm and he’s been playing the damn thing since 8 this morning but nothing’s working. The pressure and the fatigue have rendered him inspiration-less and simply left him in a slump. His head feels fuzzy, his thoughts are jumbled and no matter how much he puts his all in it, he knows nothing creative can spring out from stress and sleep deprivation. So he pauses the audio and turns to his fellow songwriters/musicians with a sigh. "Sorry guys, think we should call it a day. My brain’s fried anyway."

They all nod and make their way outside of the studio after sorting everything out. "Don’t worry, man, we’re gonna figure this out. It’s probably best we stopped now anyway, it’ll give us a fresh perspective coming Monday." Mitch tries to reassure his friend. 

"Hope so, yeah. I don’t know, I just…Righ' now, I just wanna go home an’ clear my head of everythin’."

"You’re right, it’s getting obsessive in there, and that’s never a good way to make music. ’S gotta be more natural than whatever that was" he says pointing his thumb back towards the building they just left.

"’S not just that though. Things are a bit crazy at the moment, an’ it’s like…I miss y/n in a weird way, yeh know?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we just moved in together a few weeks back, right? But we barely see or have time fo’ each other. Her work’s keepin’ her busy as well...” It seems like he’s gonna add something so Mitch doesn’t interrupt his thoughts. “It’s like missing someone that is right next to you" Harry finally confides and it feels like some weight is being lifted off his shoulders with the confession. He’s been nurturing these longing feelings for a while now but had yet to express them out loud. 

"Tell ya what, Harry. It’s the week-end, take advantage of it, man.”

"Yeah, think ‘m gonna go get some food an’ maybe flowers. She’s been workin’ so hard lately, just wanna give ‘er a nice evening." It’s his turn to pick up dinner anyway Harry thinks, and there’s a flower shop right across from her favorite place. Maybe they could just take off for the week-end too. Go someplace tranquil and far away from the city’s hassle. 

That’s how half an hour later he’s finally pulling up on their street, take-away and sunflowers buckled in the passenger seat. Taking a long breath along with the rest of his purchases, Harry makes his way to the front door. When he finally enters their home, he’s immediately met with one of the most precious sight he could have hoped for: y/n in her sweats, humming to Here Comes the Sun as she gathers plates and cutleries to set the table. Harry feels already better and makes a bee line to his love with a wide smile adorning his lips. 

"‘lo, love. Missed yeh today."

She looks up at the sound of his voice. "Hey, you. How was your day?" But as she’s about to melt in his embrace, she realizes he’s carrying items of his own. "Wait, did you get dinner?" she asks somewhat worriedly. 

"Yep, I got yeh your favorite and these-" he hands her the bouquet, "are for you as well."

Now. When Harry imagined her reaction, he didn’t exactly picture y/n’s current expression. He’d thought maybe he’d be greeted with a ‘aww that’s so sweet’ hopefully followed by a kiss and the biggest hug in history. Or perhaps a blush creeping on her cheeks since y/n isn’t the best at receiving compliments and sweet gestures (getting her all flustered has become Harry’s favorite hobby ever since he realized that).

What he didn’t anticipate however, is the mystical look in y/n’s shiny eyes right now, like she was processing a hundred thoughts per second. She isn’t saying anything either. Just staring at him with love and wonder painting her irises. 

"Love?" Harry tilted his head slightly on the side in sign of inquiry. Then y/n just chuckled and took his cheeks between her small hands, completely bypassing the bouquet and take-out still hanging from his fingers.

"Thought it was my turn to get dinner," she smiled at the qui pro quo. "I got you your favorite too. And some poppies." That’s when Harry noticed the bag with his favorite restaurant logo printed on it, seating on the kitchen counter besides a vase full of freshly cut poppies (his favorite as well). 

Aligning his gaze back with hers, Harry awkwardly shifts around to place the food and the flowers on the counter by their side before engulfing y/n in a tight hug. His smile has grown tenfold and as he presses his forehead against hers, he thinks he couldn’t possibly fall deeper in love with her. So without further ado, he traps her lips between his and brings one hand to her neck. The kiss starts slow, eyes shut and hearts on the edge of imploding, savoring the moment. But then a small whine leaves y/n’s throat and it’s teeth colliding, breathed interweaving in-between, nose smudged against each other, and fingers kneading into heated skin. 

The break is sudden and filled with their erratic breathing. It’s the ridicule of the situation that sends them laughing: both of them buying dinner, the result of a simple miscommunication. It’s an honest mistake really, they’ll just reheat the second take-out tomorrow. But it’s also both of them going out of their way, out of their exhaustion to get something special for the other. The desire to make a little gesture because days are rough and as a team they get through that by uniting moral support forces. It’s the intimacy y/n was craving so much. The small details Harry knows about her and she about him, and the fact that even through the madness of it all, they always seem to go back in sync.

"I miss you so much Harry" y/n finally says while tucking her nose in the crook of his neck. She just wants to feel as close to him as possible, breathe him in, and never let go. And really, Harry’s not complaining. He just squeezes her tighter against him and presses his lips on her forehead for a moment.

"I love you, y/n. How ‘bout no work this week-end, hum? Just yeh an’ me, wherever you wanna be" his lips are still brushing against her skin.

"Please," is what she answers before leaning back to stare at his pretty face with a soft smile. "I love you too." 

➪ Masterlist

Hey guys, hope you liked that little piece. It is actually inspired by a true story; a so highly stereotypically French one, that I had to edit it for narrative’s sake. If you care to hear about it (no offense taken if you don’t!), prepare yourself cause I’m about to drop some serious French cultural knowledge on you. 

There exists two ways one French fellow can eat a baguette: there’s the well-cooked team who likes it golden and crusty (like my Mum), and then there’s the not-so-cooked team who likes it soft all over (like my Dad). The basics being now established, we may proceed with the real story.

One time, both my Mum and Dad were having such a busy day that they forgot to agree on who would buy bread for dinner (I did warn you it would be awfully French). They ended up both buying some, laughing at the situation once they met at home. But see, now when my Dad recalls this — in appearance — insignificant moment of their lives, he says that in that moment they’d made love to each other. Because when they got ready to eat, they realized that my dad had bought a well-cooked baguette for my mum while she had bought a not-so-cooked one for my Dad. And yeah, my Dad can be a hopeless romantic sometimes but he’s kinda right, isn’t he? Love is about putting the other above ourselves and making them feel special with the little things like giving up your favorite type of something just so your significant other can have it their favorite way. 

Anyhow, sorry if I bored you with my story (it is 3:52am as I’m writing, if you need some kind of explanation), I just thought it was something sweet to share. Please tell me what you think, I’d love to hear from you!

Take care xx

#Harry styles writing #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #fluff #Harry styles #creative writing #short and sweet #please tell me what you think

[pkmntrainergreyze]

The Emo School (Chapter 1)

Previous Next

Chapter 1: An Emo Box of Misery with Pastel Pink Ecstasy

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

-Paul McCartney

09/12/01

Finishing up my plate, well, I couldn’t lie about a few scraps of mixed vegetables on it, the boys decided it’ll be fun to move out of the uncomfortable chairs. I couldn’t escape or not recoil from Ryan’s glares. I know what’s up with him, and the dirty look he’s giving is giving me the creeps. He makes me shiver down my spine and I swear one glare from this long legged man makes me want to stop everything I do- heck, if he was some soldier I’d be doing push-ups right now. (oh hallelujah he isn’t)

“Geez, I just couldn’t finish eating carrots right now Ryro. Is that so big of a problem?” He scoffed before lending me his hoodie. As weird as it sounds I need his dang cologne, it smells pretty darn good, but as much as possible I wouldn’t smell the hoodie in front of him and would rather wear it since it’s d*mn cold for me recently. He seemed to crunch the paper bag once he stared at the floor, as if some cockroach crawled nearby under the shade of the table.

Wait, is there?

“…Ryan, is there-”

“Yes, you spilt my milk in my f*cking man purse B-den”

Oh crap

“Congratulations”

He gave me the Tyrone tone of voice. The same blank yet forcefully enthusiastic voice you hear from the man that often wears a business outfit and a tie.

Where’s the escape Trainer button when you need it?

His face… I couldn’t see it under his brushed locks of hair. I’m not sure whether to look or not to look, either way it’ll probably just result to a really bad, salty ending. Sounds like something you see on Walmart eh? Bittersweet I guess? I am not so sure.

Oh F- the bell rang. It’s really torturous to hear it every single day of the week, especially the inescapable Mondays we have here at school, technically, everybody’s school.

Dallon grabbed his bag and left quickly, even faster than Spencer was when he ran over a advert pole drunk, remind to tell you that story sometime, just not today. Dallon’s a pretty straight guy, he’s like this dad who would be so overprotective of his children- or his students in the real world perspective, but when you think of the other side of that trait, he’s making fucking Dad jokes that my own Dad wouldn’t say. My Dad probably has a better sense of humor than Dallon- Dadlon, whatever.

And honestly speaking, he’s probably trying to avoid making any conversation with us, since we’re kind of talking sweet sweet cocaine.

Ahh yes, I’m about to walk back to the same tracks juniors walk to. I’ll probably receive about ten hearty smiles on my way there. Bet you ten bucks.

Alright, I finally forced my feet to walk and leave the table. Reaching for the end of the cafeteria…

Mrs Jackson smiled. One- wait, that doesn’t count as a junior? She looks nasty tho? Fine, stop judging my poor taste alright?

Passing by Ms Fletcher- okay, one. Her small smile is cleary not that visible. She’s the same child writing poems and speech-y crap for the principal to get quote on quote “extra credit” when in reality she’s serving weeks of detention, constant, but hey, she plays the best d*mn pranks in this school, okay, maybe third bestest.

I still played the “Place-posters-with-Pete’s-phone-number-with-the-tag-’call single males now!’” Prank

Walking around Spencer… Taking a glanc- two.

Oh, I forgot…. Whatever, Spencer looks like a kindergarten anyways so either way no points for me.

Spencer waltzed back to 9AM1 aww.

With how much students doesn’t rush to class after the bell rings, it wouldn’t let me reach that sweet sweet bar of full-on-smiles. Fine, future students, I owe you all ten bucks… only if you’re admit to our holy sacred school though.

Ha! I sound like Principal Wentz.

Profit-oriented mindset over one hundred babe.

I just entered the horrifying classroom of 8AM3. Welcome back to the real world my friends. As soon as I pretty much had my presence in the room students came to class. I heard a lot of talk ‘bout me being the coolest, chillest, most laid-back teacher here in the Junior buildings so I guess I have no competition or complaints.

I can already see the small group of students which I have known to be quite shy. They have my music class after Patrick’s theory crap that I don’t really pay that much attention to.

Mr Flowers just nodded along the conversation he’s having while Mr Bowie kept talking about this junior that idolizes him despite walking down outside the halls of my class. They sure have forgotten that I’m not closing the Godd*mn door before the class have their attendance.

My habitual scoff just came by so casually that students think of it as some form of comic relief. I don’t really know how to explain to these lil demons that it’s an attitude problem.

To think that Patrick’s just on my class, 8AM3, right now, teaching them how Do and Re sounds good together makes me feel better on how I’m actually giving the world- 9AM1 rather, a favor for consuming their time studying with my existence. That’s a joke, Patrick’s probably having fun right now.

Well, it looks like it’s about time.

I looked out the window in the similar fashion the students did as well.

Tick tock tick tock.

“What time is it?” Oh god, that voice crack though. I can hear the punks in this class snickering at it.

“Just struck nine” There goes my sunshine haired buddy cham pal.

“Is the cat at home?”

“He’s about to dine”

It’s Josh, this happened yesterday as well, and the day before. He’s teaching that “cat and mouse” game with the students; this time it’s 8AM2, not 8AM1.

Did I already explained to you why I call classes by numbers?

Well, because the real names sucks. No kidding, it’s so overused.

Who would name their classroom “Grade Eight Morning Glory?”, seriously? I want my class to be “Grade Eight Mary Jane”

Has that kind of ring to it, amiright?

Up until now I wonder why on earth Patrick and Frank likes their class names. I mean- those names are decades old. “Grade Ten Patience” seems plain, don’t tell Frank that.

“Sir do we have an assessment today?” Molly asked from the back with her hand stretched higher than Tyler’s current mood. I nodded as they all groaned. Laughing out of- well, sadism I guess? I had the projector connected to the PC and had it on freeze.

There the students saw my desktop wallpaper of a class picture me and the 8AM3 informally had, plus Patrick, Dallon and Spencer. Spencer truthfully looked out of place in this picture, it looks like he had a date with Aubrey Hepburn. Meanwhile Dallon stood there like he’s telling everyone his birthday is today- but he doesn’t have to lie that it’s on May 4th and that he just turned seven. Patrick’s just there, signature fedora on and a small peace sign.

Let’s not forget my entire class though. We have Frank Gioia and Eva in the front with Frank’s hands on her waist as her eyeliner-ed eyes shone against the color black. The Fro power and his friend glasses just stood there with awkward check poses that seems to go back somewhere deep and hidden in the past. Melanie and Ashley just stood there with no expression, except for the other student beside them, which is Jon, who’s doing the same peace sign Patrick’s been keeping up. The rest is can be explained stereotypical-ly; the emo, the shy artist, the jock, it’s just a fun variety to look at.

“Is that cous’?” I saw him pointing at the one with a black hoodie from the corner of my eye.

“Yep, that’s definitely your cousin Adam”

“They all look happy as heck”

“Sir can we take this sort of picture later?”

Another batch of noise.

Anyways, before my brain shuts down to “teaching mode” looks like I have to get back to this thinking normally crap later. Honestly the author just got no idea how American schools work so let her skip this part dotdootdoot. (let’s just say rep-emo isn’t an American Author (badum tsk))

●———————–●

Finally; the end of the day. Organizing my stuff after drinking my cold caffeine that was left in the canteen at break, I finally had my temporary freedom I shall redeem before my world domination.

Speaking about possible world domination if either me or Patrick does it we’ll both have things planned out but procrastinate later on.

Blowing my students a playful kiss when the bell rang I waltz to the exit first, even so I can still hear their laughs and joyful cheers.

Then I saw something- rather, someone I wish I could just avoid for the week.

Christian Tyler Joseph

My feet practically swooshed and I’m pretty sure my sole—and also my soul—said “nope, not today”. I swear, I’m an atheist but I prayed at that very moment. You know that tense feeling those cliché video game main character does when he or she feels the villain’s presence or just something freaky in the ceiling happens? If you’re thinking you are imaging those overused gulp noises that’s actually real, very real.

Yeah, feeling it.

“Oy! Brendo-”

“I’ll pay my debt later Troye!” Thank God I cut him off before he diss me in front of the students.

“For the last time Fivehead it’s Tyler!”

I know. Dude, we’ve been working together for years now and yet you seem dense about it, maybe that’s just because I always act stupid, don’t let that fool you, I am stupid.

Honestly, that poor guy is so easy to tease. If it wasn’t for my distracting use of ’T’-names I would have had a small—small as Tyler could get—fight. I heard a huff from behind my back that obviously came from Tyler himself, yes, I’m stubborn.

●———————–●

A sigh sadly escaped my lips as I flipped to peak into my students’ Assessment grades.

From Ashbridge to Zoroa; all were sorts of disappointment. Even those who got perfect seems fake to me. If Ryan didn’t left me to go somewhere with Spencer he would have said the grades are as fake as diamonds that looks like broken glass.

I’m so unhappy right now. Never thought I’d use that word.

That all changed when I heard the door slid and also a student did the same but in a more humane manner.

          Enter Ashley the student.

She’s that special student who’s quite popular, inside and outside school grounds. She’s literally a celebrity. She seems to get away each time she dyes her hair unlike another student of mine that goes by the name “crybaby”.

Guess who’s her advisor?

Yeah, that’s obviously me, anyone who said “Dallon” deserves a spank… or a slap, that’s just kinky.

“Hey there Mister Urie”

“Hello to you too Ashley, what’s up?”

Unlike other schools, we’re all practically informal here; teachers and students are pretty much close buds that we don’t even have some guidance counselor, I don’t know if that is a flaw or not… I guess Meagan is a counselor, but that’s just Pete’s wife. Going back to Ashley she’s the only girl in my class—well aside from Melanie—that calls me Mister Urie all the time, but that’s probably due to respect, which is quite neat unlike some students.

“I have milk and cookies here, Melanie wanted to give this out and um… She also asked me to give you this note…”

Yeah, that’s Melanie, no one exactly trusts her, except for Tyler and Hal- I mean Ashley I guess.

“Cool, just place it one of the chairs thanks”

She nodded- before I rudely interrupted when the thought rushed back deep inside my skull.

“Wait, what’s written?”

“Umm… It says; Do you like my cookies? They’re made just for you, a little bit of sugar and… lots of poison too” She seems to hesitate on reading it and I have no doubts on why she is.

Honestly, this is one of those times I wish I could pacify her.

I couldn’t blame her actions, she’s been through a lot- like, a whole looot, as edgy as the book written by Pete when he was young (we fortunately got to read it in his office, don’t tell anyone) she has been kidnapped, rough family, drugged and other things I wouldn’t go deeper.

She’s pretty odd, but really a pretty nice person at the same time. It’s like the half dyes of her hair. She, Frank, Eva, Jon, Mikey, Ray and Richie would talk to me all day and I feel comfortable with them.

I honestly like crazy people like her. She doesn’t mind me doing crappy things and she empathize with me, it’s nice to have someone like that ya know?

Hallelujah, I have such great students and yet I’m a sh*tty teacher. I wonder what type of cookies are in there-

F*ck, that pink pastel box looks creepy as Teletub-

I need some breather.

“Hey Ashley can you pass me the coc-”

Oh wait f*ck

She doesn’t know that yet

Oh god that sounds wrong. No I’m not gay shut up… What are you talking about me and Ryan are just friends. No, not even Dallon, shut up. Denial what the- okay I’m done talking to y'all, I’ll tell you about my past with Ryan later, m'kay? Yes I’ll talk about Dallon later too but now you f*cks are just distracting me.

Anyways, she doesn’t know I do cocaine.

“Uhh… what?”

Sh*t, you guys make me sound so bad. Thinking about it, I am the only one to blame if she did knew.

Think Brendon! Think!

WHY AM I IMAGINING SCENES FROM HANGOVER RIGHT NOW?! IT’S STILL 2001.

“Pass me the…. baby powder from the back of the second row shelf thanks”

“Okay… what does it look like there’s a bunch of jars here Mister Urie!” Yelling a bit for me to hear, I felt a drop of sweat coming from my distracting forehead.

“Uhh…. It’s in one of those straight shoote- I mean flower designs in it”

She raised a small glass tube with some flower designs in it. She raised her eyebrow a bit like it’s already questioning me.

I mean, why would someone smoldering with appeal like me would buy flowers? I had enough with people questioning my sexuality so I’m not having that again.

“This one?” She held the love roses tube and shook it. I hope she didn’t suspect me for anything if so then I hope that I ain’t kissing Pete’s *ss for this. Thank past me for buying filtered one and not the transparent, but that’s too early for me to say so.

“Yeah, bring it here. Thanks” She threw it to me and I caught it, fortunately.

“Why would you have it in a flower case?”

Haha…

“I have no containers left, is all”

She nodded once more “I’m pretty sure Principal Wentz would allow ya to use one of the containers in the science room, I mean you’re close to Mister Iero as well right?”

Haha… riiight. I’m pretty sure Mister Wentz or Iero wouldn’t

“Yeah, thanks for the idea and the cookies, tell Melanie the same”

“Yeah, you’re welcome Mister Urie”

●———————–●

“BRENDON!”

That’s Dallon, once more in all his glory. He never seems to stay calm after his week of teaching in this school. His hair looks like his wife quiffed it- whatever people call that hairstyle, maybe I should say hair mess.

“What?” As you can tell, I’m tired as well so long and goodnight Dal, I need some shut eye. This is the same man who almost fell asleep while teaching the opium war, quite surprising that he can be this tense.

“YOU CAN’T DO DRUGS IF THEY CAUGHT YOU YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE-”

“SHH!”

Yeah! I would be if you continued yelling.

“Shut up Dallon” I closed the door behind me only to here Dallon handling the doorknob back open.

“Brendon, it’s not healthy”

What is he gonna say? Cardiac arrest? Lung problems? Yeah, I know the side effect don’t worry about it, stimulation has always been a part of me even though I try so hard to deny it. I try to stop each time though so I don’t have to hear this right now.

(Author just searched the side effects of cocaine so this may not be exact, author is not a doctor, author’s life sucks)

“Uhuh”

“No I’m serious! My friend used to do drugs as well and he-”

Oh no. I’m having this talk again am I?

Rolling my eyes back to a distant land called “Nopeland”. I could only hear incoherent sounds of a failed attempt to get me to change my decisions in life. I only found the polychromatic color that matches the walls once more when my eyes landed back to my table.

Smirk.

Grab.

Flick.

“W-cou-hat the h-heck Brendon that’s childish eew is that baby powder or powdered milk? Disgusting”

Nah, that’s coke, have fun cleaning your uniform for tomorrow morning kiddo.

And then- with just one swish and flick- I magically landed back to happy land. Maybe it’s the side effect of cocaine, may or may not be but whatever, I’d like to think that it is for the moment. It’s nice to see someone’s first encounter with coke, if I were to be Van Gogh I’d be painting this view of Dadlon trying to remove the white stains from his crotch right now.

Looks like I have something to write on my Journal huh?

Let’s be real though dear hopefully-future-students; my dairy is a lot more cooler than the Diary Of A Wimpy kid? No? Yeah you’re right, my life sucks. If this were a subject you all would have had all my assessments perfect even on your first day.

I don’t know whether you should take that as a compliment or that states you’re slowly becoming trash- well no, technically all you little eyes are my treasure so don’t go living in the dumps.

“Brendon please help me remove this stuff”

“No thanks”

“Beeeebooo”

“Not this again Dallon”

This is some sick technique in which Dallon uses the nickname “Beebo” to get me to do something. No, I’m not telling you “why Beebo?”.

Fine.

It all started when me and Patrick were teaching the seniors for a bit since Andy couldn’t come due to a winter storm at his place. We were at Patrick’s small enthusiastic explanation about a simple concept when someone boldly called me “Beebo” and it just stucked.

Groaning in the same manner the students of 9AM1 from earlier, I grabbed my handerchief and started rubbing the surface of his sweater that he probably bought last week.

“I hate you”

“Love you too Beebs, now continue helping me will you?”

Geez, I do have a lot to write down today.

Oh crap, he didn’t bought this last week; it says “Grade 10 Hibiscus” so it’s most probably hand made for him from his last advisory class. He got this last Christmas. Crap, I ruined his greatest gift. I am so sorry Dallon. Best not to tell this and the Ashley incident to anyone.

●———————–●

My eyes wondered about when I saw the box Ashley left in the corner.

That pink box…

I swear, I don’t have any idea on what to do with these cookies, they actually smell and look delicious. I guess I’ll never know huh?

“Hey Mister Urie is Richie’s detention over? He asked me to go shopping in Hot Topic today that’s why I’m asking” The next person to ever slide in after class today is Frank Gioia. The emotional kid who doesn’t seem to mind what everyone thinks, he’s a cool dude I swear.

“Oh, he’d be up by no-”

About the box….

As bright as the ideas Gerard drew in his sketchpad (which is full of strange looking people by the way, especially that all white violin girl), my eyes fluttered at the sudden thought that occured.

“Hey Frank?”

“Yeah?” He tilted his head to peak in a bit more. He doesn’t seem to be fazed at the fact I avoided answering his question.

“Want some cookies?”

Silence.

He stared at me for a bit, then back to the box I was supposedly reaching out for him to taste. His eyebrow raised at the sight of it.

“Isn’t that Melanie’s?”

Oh, he knew, that was some fail.

Lie or not to lie?

Nah, lying is pretty much fun if you’re a girl.

“Yeah, Melanie gave it to me earlier”

“Yeah saw it too”

Then another batch of awkward silence followed as we stared at each other, eyes locked with such confusion present on both sides.

“Sure… I’ll take one”

He came closer and took a bite of the chocolate chipped cookies from the forsaken box. He seems delighted somehow.

Well.

Looks like I have a new box to place my ecstasy.

●———————–●

I bumped into Ryan earlier.

He gave me this blank look before leaving me in the halls. He seemed to be carrying another paper bag; two packs of cheese whiz I presume. He didn’t seem to mind me whenever I snoop into his bags, although this time was an exception.

       ⏭️The theater in Brendon’s mind⏮️

Ryan: *looking at his paper bag*

Fab Brendon: What’s that *about to reach into the bag*

Ryan: *Slaps hand*

Ryan: Y o u  a r e  n o t  m y  f r i e n d

Exit Ryan.

⏯️

Trust me, give him a few more days and the two of us we’ll be okay, he wouldn’t exchange our friendship over cheese whiz….

I wonder if he thinks the same about me and Frank Sinatra, if so tell him I’d choose the latter.

●———————–●

On my way home I saw Ray and Mikey talking about Gerard and his small sketchpad they saw behind the bush in which he probably left it.

“How did it end up there in the first place?” They looked as confused as I am, Ray just raised his lips a bit higher to look like he’s pensive for an answer.

“He’s Mister Way after all, he can get like this, right Moikey?”

“Mikey Ray, It’s Mikey. Yes, he does act as irresponsible at times”

Sometimes I wonder if that face shows sadness, disappointment, anger or just plain nothing. It’s a pokerface no one could ever break, not even that time Joe played around with Frank’s chemistry set, I mean, mixing Mountain Dew and chunks of Doritos was funny and all, and Gerard’s reporting skills on that scene made the class laugh even more.

I sure do love this school’s innocent scenes.

Wait I’m going too far, back to Mikey.

“Anyways, do you know where your brother is at the moment?”

He shook his head in reply but Ray nodded it with excitement.

“Yeah he said he’s going to binge watch Star Wars in the cinema”

Mikey’s face dropped a bit before going back to normal. That action probably meant sadness… right?

“He forgot to drive me back home, whatever I’ll just walk”

“I’ll come with you don’t worry, we’re practically neighbors”

“no we’re not”

“shush”

I know that I laughed at that small conversation but I still feel the small strange vibe Mikey’s been radiating, unlike Gerard he would have punched me in the face if he was at the scene and tell me to “stay the *beep* away from my sketchpad!”

Was that beep necessary?

“Do you want me to call Gerard?”

“No, it’s okay Mister Urie”

I shrugged as he denied my random act of kindness, ouch.

“Whatever kiddos, get home safely okay?” “Yes Mister Urie” “Oh, and bring your brother’s sketchpad, he doesn’t want it in my hands”

Mikey raised an eyebrow “Don’t you wanna see what’s inside?”

I mean, it could be anything edge-shock-y so I wouldn’t dare open it.

“N-nah, rather not”

Mikey just nodded and fetched for the sketchpad in my hands.

Then I walked back home, just like they did.

God, I’m stopping drugs. Things like this are more stimulating…. and stressful

#brendon urie #my chemical romance imagine #mcr #my chemical romance #gerard way imagines #gerard way #mikey way #ray toro #frank iero #twenty one pilots imagine #tyler joseph #josh dun #panic! at the disco #twenty one pilots #brendon urie imagine #dallon weekes #ryan ross #spencer smith #jon walker #melanie martinez #fall out boy #patrick stump imagine #patrick stump #pete wentz #andy hurley #joe trohman #crankthatfrank #frank gioia #jessiepaege #the emo school

[studyinglogic]

Rob Goodman and Jimmy Soni have published a biography of Claude Shannon entitled A Mind at Play: How Claude Shannon Invented the Information Age. They recently conducted a Reddit AMA; I have excerpted parts I found personally interesting and left their punctuation intact.

Q: What can I take away from how Shannon thinks, works, and lives and apply today to think, work, or live better?

That's actually one of the most interesting things about his life and work: There's a lot for us to take away from it. Sometimes when you're think of figures like Einstein or Turing, they seem like they're on Mount Olympus--and that all of us mere mortals can study them from afar but not embrace the way they did their wok because it was so unique.

Shannon's work had similar scientific force and impact, but he was also down-to-earth. A few of the lessons that stood out to us:

1) Learn to be by yourself and in quiet places -- Shannon was an introvert, but we think contributed to his scientific imagination. He was comfortable being alone and thinking hard for long stretches of time. He also did this in places that lent themselves to that kind of thought: spartan bachelor apartments, an office whose door was usually closed. We can't imagine him trying to bang out information theory at Starbucks.

2) Study many disciplines -- Yes, Shannon was a train mathematician and engineer. But he was an equally skilled machinist and gadgeteer, one of the early pioneers of artificial intelligence, a unicyclist, a juggler, and a lot of other things. He had an omnivorous curiosity and it served him well. He was able to use all these disparate things to create the work that he did.

3) Don't worry about external recognition so much -- Shannon could barely be bothered about awards and honors. He found them amusing diversions from the work. Sometimes his wife or a mentor had to force him to actually go to the trouble of accepting awards. And even when he did, he did it with levity. (For instance, he hung all the honorary degrees he won from a rotating tie rack!). Why does this matter? Because he was running his own race. He wasn't trying to go after a specific award or honor, so he was free to do what he did his entire life: let his curiosity wander to the places it wanted to go.

That's just some of the lessons. We wrote more of them up here, and happy to go into any of these in further depth .

Let me add one more that I think about a lot: work with your hands. This was something Shannon did for basically his entire life. He would take things apart, put them back together, and see if he could improve on how they worked. Even at the very end stages of his life, when he was in a nursing home battling alzheimer's, he would take apart his walker and try to imagine a better design for it.

Why does that matter? Because I think it gave him a quality that one engineer described as "not only the ability to think about things but through things." It was a powerful part of his work--and I think it's something we might take for granted in our own.

My guess is that the problem-solving and tactile pieces of working with your hands offer some brain-enhancing effects. But I also think there's a broader point about appreciation and craftsmanship. There's a great book on the topic called Shopclass as Soulcraft that's worth checking out.

I think Shannon could anticipate future robotics because he didn't just write papers, he built robots. He could imagine an artificially intelligent world because he built an artificially intelligent mouse. I don't know how to reclaim that sort of thing exactly, but I know it's a powerful part of what made him who he was.

Q: Are there any big misconceptions about Shannon's life that this book dispels?

I think one major misconception about Shannon's life is that the second half of it didn't amount to much, or was even some kind of waste of talent. It's true that Shannon's most groundbreaking work was done at an early age (so early that it makes me wince when I compare my own 20s and 30s). At 21, Shannon's master's thesis explained how binary switches could perform Boolean logic, and laid a key foundation for digital computers. And at 32, of course, Shannon's "Mathematical Theory of Communication" inaugurated information theory and won him international fame.

I've heard Shannon compared to a professional athlete in this regard--his key accomplishments came in his relative youth, and then there was a long stretch of time in which he lacked direction by comparison.

But there are three reasons why I think this is a misconception. First, Shannon helped to set the agenda of a wide range of emerging fields even after his work on information theory. He developed (along with his colleague Robert Fano, and followed by Fano's student David Huffman) some pioneering digital codes for compressing messages. He was a pioneer in early thought about artificial intelligence. He developed one of the first chess-playing computers (which could handle six pieces in the endgame), and wrote a paper on computer chess that was influential in the field for decades to come. Along with Ed Thorp, he built arguably the first wearable computer (used to beat the house at roulette).

Second, the methods that Shannon used to do this later work weren't that distinct from the methods he used in his earlier work. His interests were consistently promiscuous. He loved thinking with his hands, and not just abstractly. He loved picking up on strange and playful analogies. He asked questions that others were liable to dismiss as unworthy of a serious scientist. It's true that nothing Shannon did in his later life lived up to his "hits." But I think it's important to judge process, not results--and we can learn a lot from Shannon's process even later in life. He outlined a lot of his key insights in that regard--like the virtue of simplifying problems--in a talk he gave to Bell Labs employees on creative thinking, which we dug up from the archives and discussed in our Shannon book.

Third, Shannon's later life is worth knowing about because it was just fun. Here's a guy who could have gone on pursuing the trappings of scientific celebrity and pontificating on whatever he felt like--but instead, given that kind of freedom, he tinkered in his two-story workshop and followed his curiosity wherever it took him. Things like Shannon's flaming trumpet, customized unicycle fleet, or juggling robots aren't of huge scientific interest--but they tell you a lot, in my opinion, about the kind of mind that's capable of Shannon-sized breakthroughs.

Q: Would you describe Shannon as someone who was hard on himself with a tireless work ethic? Did he want to always be productive every moment of the day or did he let himself relax and do nothing in particular if he felt like it?

Almost always the latter.

I don't mean to suggest that Shannon was lazy--like lots of remarkably successful people, he had his bouts of intense and concentrated activity. This was especially true in his younger years--we discuss some accounts from an acquaintance of his at the time he was working on his information theory paper, who says that Shannon would compulsively scribble ideas on napkins, or stare into space in deep concentration, or mention getting up in the middle of the night to work when struck by an idea. So when Shannon was in the midst of one of his highly creative periods, he certainly had a capacity for work to match anyone.

But what really distinguished Shannon was that he didn't try to force it. We called our book A Mind at Play because we think that captures Shannon so well. He asked silly questions, loved tinkering in his workshop, and was often seen unicycling down the hallways of Bell Labs. He had a folder of "Letters I've Procrastinated on for Too Long." And he approached his work in just the same spirit--we called it "play of the adult kind," or play with ideas and concepts.

In other words, the main lesson we take from Shannon's life in this regard is that the people who are most productive on the scale the matters--like, world-changingly productive--don't worry about being productive every single hour. They can work intensely when they need to, but they also know how much is to be gained from letting the mind wander.

Q: What's the biggest difference in the way a genius approaches the world versus the way a merely very intelligent person does?

It's a really interesting question, and one we had in the back of our head as we were working on this project. I'm not sure how valuable our thoughts on the subject are, but fortunately we have Claude Shannon's thoughts!

During our research, we found the transcript of a 1952 speech he gave to his fellow Bell Labs scientists on the topic of "Creative Thinking," and it's the best account we came across of Shannon describing how his own mind worked. He spoked about the need for a fundamental drive "to find out what makes things tick." That drive was indispensable: "If you don’t have that, you may have all the training and intelligence in the world, [but] you don’t have the questions and you won’t just find the answers." Shannon was choosing his words carefully when he said that you have to "have the questions." The greatest reward in his line of work may be the satisfaction that comes with resolving intellectual puzzles: "If I’ve been trying to prove a mathematical theorem for a week or so and I finally get the solution, I get a big bang out of it."

So where does that drive come from? Shannon's most interesting formulation of that quality put it like this: it was "a slight irritation when things don’t look quite right," or a "constructive dissatisfaction." For Shannon, an original thinker--or even a genius--is simply someone who is usefully irritated.

Shannon left his colleagues with a final, particularly challenging thought: "I think that good research workers apply these things unconsciously; that is, they do these things automatically." In other words, Shannon didn't expect geniuses to sit around waiting for bursts of inspiration--he was much more interested in how to cultivate the right habits, until "constructive dissatisfaction" becomes a kind of second nature.

#Claude Shannon #information theory #biography #science #mathematics #quotes #quote #Rob Goodman #Jimmy Soni #light

[ld-pandamao]

Daily Report 26—11:55 PM, Tuesday, April 14th, 2020

        I am completely serious. I think the only habit I have built up from these posts is the art of testing how long I can procrastinate and still meet the deadline. Watch me attempt to type out 500 coherent words in the next fifteen minutes.

        I suppose this ordeal might have increased my typing speed as well. After all, those recent practices showed me frequently getting around 90 WPM, and occasionally getting 100 WPM, which probably is not necessarily something to brag about, but I am kind of happy about it since I used to think that I averaged at 70 WPM and maxed out at 80. It has been a while since I checked though, so it could be that I just got better with time regardless of these blog posts.

        One more day.

        On Thursday, I am going to try and force myself into a pretty trying schedule again. However, I need to use tomorrow wisely so that I can follow that schedule without having to worry about other problems.

        I cannot help but feel like I am all talk and no action though. Of course, most powerful actions stem from powerful dreams, but I am slightly worried that I am in over my head, as I frequently get sometimes. I also need to find a way to increase my immersion in Spanish somehow, because I feel as if my skills are diminishing over time in that area.

        On the bright side, I believe my mental health has been a lot better, quite possibly a result of wasting time all day and evading my stressors. However, the phrase is "rest, recovery, and reform," or something like that.

        I have rested. I have recovered. I am not allowed to stop here, sadly.

        How weird. How is it that people have the strength to constantly strive for better? I only get it in bouts, enough to work me into a mad frenzy for a couple of hours, but insufficient to make me start again the next day.

        Perhaps I am easily distracted. The Internet does not help much with that.

        Anyway, there are only a few minutes left and I am drawing a blank. Somehow, I feel like I will probably finish this on time, though I wonder if I should start becoming more ashamed of how often I choose to cut this so close. I need to establish ground rules at some point.

        ...I wonder if I would follow my own rules.

        I am strangely at peace. Earlier in the week, I longed to go outside, but now, I think I have settled down, and grown accustomed. Humans have an astonishing ability to adapt and to learn, and I should probably be taking advantage of it, but I have not been.

        Thursday. I will, starting Thursday. Maybe. Hopefully. Thursday.

        That is honestly such a weird day of the week to start something though. Why did I make my first blog post on a Thursday?

        ...Spring Equinox, was it?

#DailyRecord #Ramblings

[onlinemarketingcourses]

How I Cured My Crippling Panic Attacks And Anxiety [ The Ultimate Guide ]

I can remember the feeling so well.

It hit me while sitting in a lecture theatre at university, trying to pay attention to what my professor was saying.

I could be riding the bus home from university, thinking about my day and what I have to do when I get home.

Or I could be in the middle of a movie cinema with my friends, watching an action blockbuster.

Then there was the one time when I was walking down the stairs in my house, just a normal day with nothing much happening at all.

What’s common about all these situations is that I am perfectly safe. There is no imminent threat to my physical well-being.

Despite this, every one of these scenarios is locked in my memory for a reason — I experienced a panic attack that seemed to come out of nowhere.

The feeling would slowly rise, a sensation in my body that something is wrong. My mind would immediately pay attention to this feeling, wonder what is going on, and the fear would fuel the feeling of terror rising.

As is often the case, the fear of getting a panic attack feeds the panic emotion. It doesn’t take long for your heart rate to speed up, your palms get sweaty, your blood rushes, catching your breath becomes difficult and the world feels too intense.

The ‘panic attack’ lasts less than a minute, but by the end your nerves are on edge, your legs feel like jelly and you just want to be alone, yet you’re also afraid of being alone because you don’t trust your own mind and body.

When Did San Francisco Get So Scary?

I touched down at San Francisco airport. I was tired and my nerves felt ‘fried’.

For the past two months, I traveled from Australia, through Hong Kong, Tokyo, Vancouver, San Diego and then San Francisco, my home for the next two months.

I don’t love flying, especially the bumpy parts. Turbulence triggers anxiety, which used to be crippling and kept me away from traveling. As I grew older the more I flew the better I got at handling the fear. I didn’t want fear of flying to stop me from seeing the world.

While I was in San Diego I felt a lot more ‘on edge’ than normal. I thought it was just because of the hot weather, which I don’t enjoy and is a big reason why I left Australia.

That first night in San Francisco, despite it being a lot cooler in temperature than San Diego, I couldn’t sleep. My heart was pounding and I felt very anxious.

The next day I still felt on edge, like I was in a perpetual state of heightened fear, even though there was no reason to be. Life was good, I was in a new city, had plenty of money, didn’t need to do anything other than what I wanted to do, yet I wasn’t in a good state.

Over the next few weeks, I continued to experience what I came to call heightened ‘nerves’. This was a different feeling to panic attacks. Panic is more like a sudden rush of intensity, these nerves were not as intense but much more long-lasting. I felt on edge for hours at a time.

I also noticed that I triggered anxiety in response to what I put in my body. If I had dark chocolate combined with even just mild caffeine in something like green tea, the nerves would hit me shortly after.

I began to wonder if something was off in my body — a chemical imbalance perhaps?

I had to get to the bottom of this. Living with daily anxiety made it difficult to enjoy life.

Why It Took Me So Long To Write This

I’ve wanted to write an in-depth article about my panic and anxiety for many years so I could help my fellow sufferers recover, to reach a place where they feel in control and calm, just as I do today (most of the time).

However, it’s been difficult to sit down and write about this because I still know that the seeds of panic and anxiety are within me. Focusing my energy there is not comfortable.

I learned a long time ago that spending all your time thinking about your fears tends to make them worse. This, as you will see, was the root cause of what eventually erupted into panic attacks for me. Even today going back and reviewing this part of my life and personality is something I have procrastinated.

Despite this, I know I can help a lot of people who currently suffer from anxiety and panic by explaining what worked for me to gain some semblance of control and eventual stability, a platform of calm from which you can grow.

There is a good chance, like myself, you are or aspire to be an entrepreneur. Entrepreneurs, more than most have to deal with challenging situations, self-doubt, and motivate themselves every day to take action. It’s one of the most ‘alone’ jobs you can do, so if you’re not physically and emotionally all there, your business is not going to work.

Even if you’re not an entrepreneur, I know for certain you are a creative person on some level. Writers, musicians, painters, designers, performers, teachers, and other people with above average sensitivity are more prone to suffer from conditions like anxiety. It’s the ‘curse’ of creativity, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

I know from my own experience when you don’t feel great you don’t work or be creative. I’ve also seen this in people I have coached over the years, as many of them have suffered from anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, which have curtailed their business growth.

My hope is by sharing the following steps I can help you to help yourself, just as I did. These techniques worked for me to reach a point where I feel cured of panic attacks (I haven’t had one in over ten years) and impacted far, far less by anxiety.

I still feel fear of course, and I have some irrational anxieties like turbulence on airplanes (the more I fly, the less this fear is there), but for the most part I would call myself a recovered anxious person.

It’s all thanks to the following 10 steps, which I believe if you implement, will significantly reduce your anxiety and panic attacks even to the point of curing them completely.

There are no guarantees of course, but if you focus on these steps and be patient with yourself as you implement them, I know you will notice improvement.

Before we look at the steps, let’s get one thing out of the way first…

What Exactly Is A Panic Attack? What Is Anxiety?

If you ‘think’ you have had a panic attack, you probably haven’t. Someone who has experienced one will know what it is. They make a lasting impression.

A panic attack is not to be confused with ‘normal’ levels of anxiety and stress from life. We all face challenges, we all feel on edge, angry, pressured and nervous at times. These emotions are not fun, but they don’t stop us from functioning as human beings and tend to go away once the cause of stress is resolved.

Anxiety that perpetuates over long periods of time, even when there is no clear reason to feel anxious, and stops you from living a fulfilling life, is often termed (and diagnosed as) ‘General Anxiety’.

From my point of view the labels or diagnosis don’t matter as much as whether you want those feelings to be there or not.

I went through a period of regular intense panic attacks, I’ve had bouts of ongoing ‘fear for no reason’ type anxiety, and I have had anxiety triggered by specific events, like turbulence on a plane and an inherited heart condition I used to experience.

All of these things were unpleasant enough that I had to do something about them because the quality of my life was deteriorating.

Through research to help cure my panic attacks (more on this coming up next), I learned that panic attacks are the result of a part of your brain — the reptilian ‘lizard’ brain — firing up the fight or flight response.

This response is ancient and meant to protect you from danger. It triggers the release of all kinds of chemicals into your body so you are stimulated to either physically fight off an attacker, or run away to find safety. It’s a super adrenaline boost designed to protect you from that bear or dinosaur that wants to eat you.

However, since there is no real danger, your body is firing up for no reason. You have basically tricked yourself into believing your life is at risk.

I look at panic attacks as the fear dial turned up to 10 quickly, then turned off just as quickly, leaving you a quivering mess. More general anxiety is like flicking the fear dial up to a four, and then leaving it there for hours a time. It’s not nearly as intense, but it’s pervasive and makes life hard to enjoy.

As you are going to learn in the following steps, there are potentially many contributing factors that cause both panic and anxiety. From poor thoughts, to your upbringing and people you surround yourself with, lack of sleep and what you eat, to mineral deficits  — all of these things can contribute to or be the direct cause of your panic and anxiety.

Now, let’s begin, starting of course, with step one…

Step 1: Take Responsibility For Changing Yourself

For some years I felt that my panic attacks controlled me. I didn’t know why I experienced them and most of the time I tried to ignore the fact that I had them.

It was as if I was unconscious to my own condition, yet clearly, I didn’t want to experience panic.

It wasn’t until I concluded that yes I was having panic attacks and I had to do something to help myself, that I finally began the work to get better.

More recently, with my ‘fried nerves’ anxiety while traveling in the USA, I once again had to accept that something was off, and commit to finding and applying a solution.

Once I made the choice to do the work to understand the cause of my condition and make the changes necessary to help myself, things finally started to get better. Not instantly of course, but the journey begins with your first step.

Acceptance of your condition and assuming responsibility for it, even if you believe someone else is making you feel or live in a certain way, is the only way to begin your path to recovery.

It’s amazing how long you can suffer from a problem purely because you don’t want to face it, accept it, and take responsibility for helping yourself. Ignoring something won’t make it go away if you continue the behaviors that trigger the problem.

This is especially true for conditions deeply rooted in fear. The act of accepting your fears is an act of facing them, which in itself is scary. It might feel safer to ignore and run away from these fears, but like everything in life, what you resist, persists.

One of the incredible things I noticed about my own panic attacks is that they seemed to grow if I tried to ‘fight’ them. When I riled against the emotions, they grew stronger. Yet, if I decided to turn towards the fear and let the emotion express itself — to feel the feelings without fighting them — they always became weaker.

The awareness to not fight and run, and instead acknowledge and attempt to let the emotions pass through me, was a powerful mindset shift for dealing with panic. As I got better at this I began to dissipate potential panic attacks before they could happen because I didn’t fight them.

Your first job is to accept what you are going through, take responsibility for being the source of your own cure (no one else can), and not fight or ignore the uncomfortable feelings, but instead give them permission to exist and pass on.

Step 2: Manage Your Body

If you’re an anxious person I’m sure you agree with me when I say that you feel a lot worse when you haven’t slept well, you’re hungry or thirsty, or you haven’t done exercise for a while.

I remember many of my friends in university would sacrifice sleep and eat poorly because they wanted to party and have fun, or had to stay up late to finish writing a paper just before a deadline.

I couldn’t fathom this because, without sleep and food, I wouldn’t have much fun, no matter what I was doing. My ability to focus on researching and writing papers would also drop significantly on poor sleep and nutrition, making the process even harder than it already was!

Everyone has a different physical constitution, but we all need sleep, food, water, and exercise to keep our bodies performing. Even if you think you can ‘go without’ and still perform well, that’s not a pattern you can continue for long.

As a person who is suffering anxiety or panic attacks (or possibly both), managing your body is even more important. Your brain requires sleep to keep all your physiological functions operating correctly. You need good nutrition so your body has access to all the minerals it needs to operate.

I believe a lot of anxiety and panic attacks are caused by, or at least impacted significantly by, poor nutrition, lack of regular sleep and mineral deficiencies. In fact, as you will see coming up, one of the biggest causes of my anxiety was lack of a key mineral in my body, something I would never have even considered a problem when I was younger.

For some people, managing your body and starting up new positive habits like eating more vegetables, getting eight hours of sleep a night, and exercising on a daily basis, will lead to significant improvement. You may even cure your anxiety and panic just with these steps.

There may be more you have to do to recover, as was the case for me, but making sure you are managing your physical state is a powerful positive step forward, giving you a platform for full recovery, not to mention much better health overall.

This is a BASIC step. If you ignore it, much of the rest of my advice will be hindered simply by your poor physiological condition. It’s like trying to win a race by tying your legs together.

Thankfully, this is a basic step, which means I know you can do it. It will take some discipline to make better choices about what you eat, in particular saying no to foods like sugar, dairy, wheat, alcohol and pretty much everything processed, but I’d argue, what’s more important to you — drinking a coke or never having anxiety and panic again?

Regarding Sleep: I realize for anxious people sleep can be tricky. It feels like a catch-22 sometimes when you are told to get enough sleep, that in itself makes you anxious about sleeping, and then you can’t!

I’ve been there.

I still have trouble sleeping when something is bothering me or I’ve mistreated my mind or body with poor thoughts or nutrition. This is why exercise and good food and lots of water is so important, it makes sleeping easier, which completes the picture of looking after your body.

I’ll write more about some supplements I sometimes take for aiding sleep in an upcoming step, and we’re about to deal with ‘unhelpful thinking’ next.

What I can suggest now is that Chamomile tea will help you fall asleep and caffeine will have the opposite effect. Swap your coffee for this tea and you will sleep better.

For some people, this step will be one of the hardest. Making the choice to change your eating, drinking and sleeping habits, especially if you are addicted to certain foods and drinks (which most of us are!), will be like trying to get off a drug.

I recommend you try one of two paths –

Cold Turkey: Completely change everything for 30 days minimum. Get clear on what you should cut and add to your diet and make all the changes at once. For some, this ‘all-in’ method works and is certainly the quickest path to get better. After 30 days you can reintroduce some of your old favorites occasionally, but you may find you won’t want to anymore.

Incremental Elimination: If the Cold Turkey method is too much to change at once, make one change at a time for 30 days. Don’t drink alcohol for a month, cut all dairy from your diet for a month, get at least 8 hours of sleep a night for a month, etc. At the end of 30 days you should find it much easier to keep up the change, so you can begin another 30 day challenge, slowly altering your diet one month at a time. This is easier and far less overwhelming, but obviously a much slower path.

If you struggle or fail to change your diet and sleeping habits, don’t give up. This is a lifestyle change that will completely revolutionize your life — forever! Hence you owe it to yourself to keep working on it for as long as it takes.

Step 3: Monitor Conversations With Yourself

While taking responsibility for your recovery and managing your body are vital first steps towards curing your anxiety and panic, I can say that in terms of impact on my life, this third step has had a more profound change than anything else.

This goes way beyond just helping with my panic attacks and anxiety. I believe working on my thoughts is responsible for how much money I have made, romantic encounters, my physical health and all around happiness than anything else.

Looking back now, I see my experience with panic attacks as a push towards evolving my way of thinking and perceiving the world, to reconstruct my ‘lens’ on life to create the outcomes I desire.

Of course, before any of this happened, the first thing I had to deal with was panic attacks.

It all began with the help of two books and a person…

Living With It: A Survivor’s Guide To Panic Attacks by Bev Aisbett

Learned Optimism by Dr. Martin Seligman

My Mother

Bev Aisbett’s book was most helpful while I was very much in the middle of regular panic attacks. The book is not a miracle cure, but I really enjoyed the illustrations and the core idea I took away from it gave me an important step towards recovery.

To put it simply, Bev taught me not to fight the panic, but to see it as a cartoon monster following me around. She offers a gentle starting point to help you realize how much of your fear comes from your own negative and often irrational thoughts about life situations.

This was the doorway to studying my own interpretation of the world. It helped me feel that panic attacks were not something that was out of my control. Quite the contrary, I was very much in control because I was the one who created all these vicious circles of negativity that led to panic attacks in the first place.

For me, the big step forward here was empowerment. I felt responsible for what was happening, which meant I could change it. It wasn’t going to be easy, but at least it was in my hands!

Learned Optimism from Psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman took this idea of choosing how to interpret the world to a whole new level.

Dr. Seligman is the founder of a methodology called ‘Positive Psychology‘. What I enjoyed about his book was how he used experiments to show that mental models drive our reactions to life and very much dictate our happiness.

Here are some of the ideas I took away from his book that helped me deal with panic attacks:

Optimists live longer, make more money and have happier relationships than pessimists.

You are born with a natural predisposition to be somewhere on a scale between highly optimistic and highly pessimistic. Your environment, in particular, your parents demonstrating optimism or pessimism, will also impact what your default view of the world is.

Optimists see negative events in their life as one-offs, non-permanent, and likely to get better in the future. Pessimists see negative events as a reflection of permanent conditions they cannot change, so things will always be the same.

Optimists are actually fooling themselves. They are actively making decisions to interpret reality in a way that benefits them. Pessimists are more rational when it comes to how things really are, but that often leads to poor outcomes despite how ‘accurate’ it might be (would you rather be accurate or happy?).

My big takeaway from all of these ideas is that I had the power to choose how I see the world, and there was clearly a better choice.

The last piece of the puzzle came from my mother. She gave me the practical steps I needed to begin implementing change, starting with the most important activity:

Monitor your thoughts.

She helped me to switch on my self-awareness, in particular, to begin the practice of monitoring how I ‘spoke to myself’ in my head.

It was difficult at first to switch on this awareness as I was often more lost in my thoughts, letting them run wild.

After day one of my mindfulness practice, I came to a huge realization: I was a pessimist.

I spent most of the day inside my head picking apart things I didn’t like about myself, or reacting badly to what someone said or did or did not do. It was unbelievable how negative I was in my mind and what I chose to focus so much of my energy on.

Your task for this step is to activate your awareness. Monitor your thoughts for a day and become mindful of how you interpret the world. You may be surprised to learn you’re not the most cheerful person inside your head, but that’s okay, we’re going to change that next.

Step 4: Change The Conversation With Yourself

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my mother was applying Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to help me deal with panic attacks. CBT is a psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about yourself and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted conditions.

If you look hard enough, you will find CBT has its roots in Stoic Philosophy, first practiced in ancient Greece.

The stoics apply a simple idea to life:

Be indifferent to the vicissitudes of fortune and to pleasure and pain.

In other words, don’t react to the good or the bad, as they are both fleeting, just as life itself is.

Stoicism provides a fantastic base to build from. When you gain the power to NOT react, you give yourself the space — the awareness — to choose how you want to react.

CBT teaches you to first monitor your thoughts and then choose a positive response. Martin Seligman conducted plenty of research to back this up, so it’s not just anecdotal advice.

Thanks to my mother and book studies, the path to recovery was clear to me. I had to monitor my thoughts, discard the negative by realizing that I was choosing to see things this way, and then make a choice to see things in a positive way.

In Neuro Linguistic Programming, this is called Reframing — altering your perception so reality takes on a different meaning.

As easy as it is for me to explain all this to you now, coming to this realization took many months and it took many more months to practice it.

At the time I experienced panic attacks, I felt pretty down about life in general. The thought of proactively practicing reframing my thoughts made me feel tired. I just wanted to give up.

The one ‘benefit’ of panic attacks, is that they are so intense they push you to make changes to stop them. This was definitely the case for me. Although I felt tired and down on life, there was no way I was going to continue to live with panic attacks – they were horrible!

And so I began to change my thoughts… very slowly.

I recall sitting in one of my lecture theaters near the back of the room before the class started. It was micro or macro economics — I can’t recall — not my favorite subjects, but at least the class was full of pretty girls.

I looked up to my left and locked eyes with a girl I had seen in many of my classes. She instantly looked down, breaking eye contact.

My immediate thought — she doesn’t like me.

Then more thoughts…

She finds me unattractive and doesn’t want to give me any indication that she likes me. My clothes are terrible. I’m too skinny, no girl will ever like me. I’ll be single and alone my entire life. This is the reaction I always get when I look at a girl… how will I ever get the confidence to even talk to one!?

As you can see, not exactly a shining example of positivity.

This negative thought response to a simple event in my life would carry forward throughout my day. I’d criticize myself, feel like nothing will ever change and create negative stories around how people react to me.

One day, something different happened.

After spending hours and hours in negative thought spirals, I stopped myself.

I forced myself to see my thoughts as made up stories — which they were! — and instead to make up better stories.

I didn’t really believe my new stories at first, but at least I wasn’t focusing on the negative thought patterns.

For example, rather than see a girl looking away in response to our eyes locking as an indication of disinterest, I reframed the story. I told myself that she looked down because she was shy. She actually liked me, and that was why she was looking at me in the first place.

I told myself that she looked down because she was shy. She actually liked me, and that was why she was looking at me in the first place.

Any story could be true, so why not choose the empowering option?

I also reframed stories about my future. No longer would anything negative be an indication of what will happen forever. Instead, I decided to see it as a once off. If I kept trying, surely I would get a different result, especially if I learned and improved over time.

This was the daily practice I slowly introduced into my life. It wasn’t easy because I was going against years and years of habitual thought patterns. However, by first becoming aware of the conversation in my head, then proactively working to change it, I began to make progress.

Now it’s your turn. You’ve already done the previous step and spent time monitoring your thoughts. Next, it’s time to begin altering them to represent what you want from your life.

Step 5: Reduce Your Reframe Time

Being mindful is a practice.

If you have never tried it before, which was the case for me, you will find yourself defaulting to your habits over and over again.

At first, I found it empowering just to realize I had thought-habits. Prior to this, I lived within the habits, the negative thought patterns. Now I could step outside them and see them for what they were.

As I began to proactively work to change my thought-response, it became clear like all skills, practice was required.

Initially, I’d spend hours lost in bad thoughts, reacting negatively to events, then finally I’d stop myself and reframe my perceptions to create new, more empowering meaning.

Day-by-day, week-by-week, and month-by-month, I improved my thought-change response time. What previously took me hours, would require only an hour, then thirty minutes, then ten minutes, to stop my thoughts and reframe them.

Then one day something magical happened.

I had a negative thought and instantly stopped and changed it.

It all happened in a split second. I interpreted something that just happened to me, for example, a customer asking for a refund from my business, and instead of using that as fuel for a negative thought train, I instantly reframed.

“Customer refunds are rare, I’ll get more customers in the future, everything is going great. Let’s get back to work!” …is what I told myself.

It seems crazy-simple. This cognitive switch is just a matter of changing your mind, which can happen in an instant, yet for so many years I didn’t do it.

I had to literally practice this for months, every day reminding myself that thinking right was the pathway to feeling right.

I became so focused on mastering and re-engineering my thoughts, I didn’t realize that my panic attacks were starting to go away.

The attacks didn’t completely disappear immediately. There were still times of weakness, especially when I was physically less than optimal because I had not slept enough or missed a meal.

However, because I gained power over my thoughts, I was able to use that power when I felt a panic attack coming along. I could tell myself not to resist the panic, to remind myself that the feeling of panic will go away.

Eventually I got so powerful in my mind, on the rare occasion I felt panic rising, I could simply make the choice — “I am not going to have a panic attack” — and my body would instantly respond, like a soldier being told what to do by a superior, and the panic feeling would evaporate.

The mind-muscle I developed, this power over irrational fear, gave me a sense of confidence I had never felt before.

My ability to reframe my interpretations and thoughts, while at first used to cure panic attacks, turned into a tool I used to go after things I wanted in my life. This article is not the place to review how I set and achieve goals, but it’s important you understand that the skillset you are learning here is applicable to your entire life.

I promise you, if you practice mindfulness and positive reframing, and do so wholeheartedly as a daily ongoing activity, not only will your panic attacks start to go away, you may find your entire life changing in amazing ways.

Step 6: Change Your Beliefs To Master Emotion

When I first began the process of monitoring my thoughts and reframing them into positive interpretations of life events, I often felt like I was trying to fool myself.

My emotions were telling me the opposite of what I was trying to convince myself to think. I felt bad and no amount of better storytelling in my mind seemed to help.

This led to an important question…

Were my thoughts controlling my emotions, or were my emotions controlling my thoughts?

This question has led to scientific experiments, caused books to be written, and countless discussions to occur.

The answer seems to lie somewhere in the middle. Both your thoughts and emotions interact and influence each other. However, our experience of emotion is much stronger than our experience of thought, so we tend to react much more to how we feel than how we think.

I initially struggled to implement thought reframing because I was trying to change the words in my head to positive when my feelings were negative.

This is when things got interesting…

There was one other ingredient I had not considered yet:

My beliefs.

It turns out that our feelings are really controlled by our beliefs. What we believe about our life is what we tend to feel.

In particular, what we believe about our future tends to dictate our happiness. If we believe our future is full of good things, we are happy in the present working towards them. If we don’t believe there are good things coming, then we are sad, depressed, angry and frustrated.

The truly powerful insight is this…

Our beliefs are once again choices we have made about how to interpret things.

If I believe a girl looking at me then looking away is because I am ugly and no girl will ever find me attractive, then I am sad because I believe my future will be lonely.

If on the other hand, I believe a girl looking at me and then looking away is because she finds me attractive, then I believe my future may include a romantic encounter with this girl, I am happy in the present.

Once again, the power lies in our interpretation, our perception of events.

Not only do you have to change how you think, you also have to change what you believe, if you are to attain emotional congruency (emotions supporting the changes you want).

…And therein lies the true secret, the true power to overcome your panic attacks, your anxiety and attaining anything in life you desire…

You must align your thoughts, feelings and beliefs so you experience complete congruency about what you want.

Experiencing true belief is a challenge if you have not had the experience to reinforce that belief.

This is why belief, at its core, is faith. To believe means to have faith that something will change even if you have never experienced that change before.

In the case of curing my panic attacks, my faith came from one idea: My rational conclusion that what the books taught me and my mother said, made sense.

I believed that the process of changing my thoughts through mindfulness and reframing (CBT/NLP/STOICISM) would make my panic attacks go away because there were countless examples of it working for other people. It seemed logical to me, especially after I discovered how pessimistic my thoughts were up to that point.

In later years, as I continued to practice reframing, I came to realize for some changes I wanted to make in my life, to truly believe, to have faith, required a spiritual component.

In this article, we’re not going to dive into the spiritual component. All you really need is belief in the process, the science and the results others have experienced, to believe the steps I am sharing with you work.

Trust your rational mind and put into action what I am teaching you here, and I’m confident you can overcome any negative feelings because you believe that it works. If you have to believe in me as the source of this information, by all means, go for it, but I’d rather you believe in the power of the ideas than any one individual.

Remember that the best source of belief comes from practical results. If you implement my advice here in this article and you notice your panic attacks becoming less frequent, that’s going to give you the belief you need. It won’t be long before you are cured.

Step 7: Vitamins And Minerals

When anxiety hit me in recent years, I wasn’t sure what to make of it initially.

I’d just been through a tough period in my life. My mother spent two years in hospital after having a stroke. I was bedside with her most days before she passed on. After this, I moved to Melbourne and lived there for a year, before traveling overseas.

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t like flying so much, but the desire to travel is stronger than my fear. I managed a few uncomfortable hours on planes so I could see Hong Kong, Tokyo, Vancouver, San Diego and then live in San Francisco.

My anxiety during this period seemed to escape from the plane trips and came with me as I explored these new cities.

At first, it wasn’t too bad, but as I continued to travel, the worse it became. I wasn’t having panic attacks, but I felt a strong sense of nerves, of consistent anxiety that would last for hours at a time.

I came close to a couple of panic attacks, but using my mind-training I was able to stop them. What I couldn’t figure out though, was why the anxiety was so persistent.

I still felt strong in the mind, so I didn’t think the cause was the same as fifteen years ago when I had panic attacks.

During a terrible night in San Francisco with heart palpitations that kept me awake all night, I received help from an unexpected source.

I was dating a girl in Australia before I left. While I was in the USA I talked to her online explaining my problems with anxiety. She did something I should have done weeks before, but I was so caught up in the anxiety I never did (I hadn’t fully accepted I had a problem)…

She went online and did research.

Her conclusion was that I probably had a mineral deficiency, in particular, I was likely lacking in magnesium.

I read the articles she shared with me and did my own research. The science was compelling.

Because of modern farming practices, our soil is depleted of vital minerals. Even if you eat a healthy diet full of vegetables, which I do, you can still be deficient in many minerals, including magnesium.

I am a voracious consumer of dark chocolate, with high cocoa content. In Australia, I also frequently drank raw cocoa in my smoothies. Cocoa is high in magnesium, so I was surprised this could be a problem.

After that terrible night in San Francisco, I was about as on edge as possible. I hadn’t slept, I had put my body through anxiety all night, so about all I could do that day was a very slow walk to the nearest Whole Foods Market to buy myself some magnesium supplements.

Magnesium helps keep blood pressure normal, bones strong, and the heart rhythm steady. I was impressed to read stories from doctors who immediately put people who had irregular heart beats on intravenous magnesium. Given the heart palpitations I had the previous night, that sounded good to me!

If you’re interested in more of the medical science, here’s a small excerpt from the National Institutes Of Health in the USA –

Magnesium is a cofactor in more than 300 enzyme systems that regulate diverse biochemical reactions in the body, including protein synthesis, muscle and nerve function, blood glucose control, and blood pressure regulation. Magnesium is required for energy production, oxidative phosphorylation, and glycolysis. It contributes to the structural development of bone and is required for the synthesis of DNA, RNA, and the antioxidant glutathione. Magnesium also plays a role in the active transport of calcium and potassium ions across cell membranes, a process that is important to nerve impulse conduction, muscle contraction, and normal heart rhythm.

You can read more here: http://bit.ly/2GBRXrJ

My research suggested a glycinate magnesium was best because it was more easily absorbed by the body and less likely to cause a laxative effect when taken in high dosages.

I found magnesium in the Noe Valley Whole Foods in San Francisco, and immediately gave myself a big dosage – about 1,000mg, although I was told I could push that up to 2,000 if I wanted to short term.

I felt the impact immediately.

The best way I can describe the change was a sense of relaxation coming over me within 30 minutes, sometimes instantly, of taking magnesium.

Since that day back in San Francisco, I take 200mg to 1,000mg of magnesium per day. No other supplement has made such an obvious difference to my life.

The magnesium supplement was enough to ‘take me away from the edge’ in terms of anxiety and nerves. I was able to sleep again and slowly started to feel normal.

However, I wasn’t quite there yet. I would still get bouts of excessive nerves that lasted hours, frequently in response to eating dark chocolate with green tea (possibly the caffeine in the tea or theobromine in the chocolate was too stimulating – or the combination). I was pretty upset that my good friend dark chocolate could cause this, so I realized I needed more help.

I was also having indigestion problems (gas, bloating, cramps), so I figured the smart thing to do was head to a nutritionist doctor, who could get all my food sensitivities tested and also look into the anxiety.

The doctor sent me off to donate about 12 vials of blood, a cup of urine and send some saliva in the mail, to get a comprehensive look at the following…

Full bloodwork for the things like Cholesterol, Sodium, Potassium, Calcium, and all the usual elements that are found in our bodies to see if anything was out of normal range

Thyroid test to make sure my hormone levels are in range since they can impact anxiety

White and red blood cells, iron, and a whole bunch of related blood indicators to again see if they are in normal range

Vitamin D, D2 and D3 since they can impact mood

Cortisol levels in the morning, noon, evening and night to see if adrenals are out of whack (this is what the saliva test you send in the mail is for)

Neurohormones like Serotonin, Dopamine, Glutamate, Epinephrine, and Gaba to check on brain health (if you’re low or high in these it can be responsible for anxiety, fatigue, difficulty sleeping, and just not being happy!)

Plus a large ranging food sensitivities test to see what foods trigger an immune response in my body

I’d never done such a comprehensive test before, so I was curious what the results would be.

My best guess was that the constant anxiety with all the travels had drained my adrenal glands.

The theory behind adrenal fatigue is that your adrenal glands can’t keep up with the demands of perpetual fight-or-flight arousal caused by stress. As a result, they struggle to produce enough of the hormones you need to feel good.

I don’t have the space to review all my test results here (I have over 10 pages of printouts!), but the short answer is that nearly everything was in range.

My cortisol levels and brain hormones levels were a bit low, but not as bad as the doctor expected. This did, however, give us a direction for treatment.

My food sensitivities were another matter. I was shocked at what was going on with my digestive system. Again, I don’t have the space to review the diet changes I eventually went on here in this article, but I will no doubt cover them in a future article.

The doctor recommended a supplement regime geared to help with anxiety and nerves. Here is a summary, along with notes on how much impact each supplement had (obviously seek advice from a medical professional before you take anything as your body is different to mine, I especially recommend you get the appropriate tests done first).

L-Theanine (Dosage: 1 capsule twice a day with meals, then as needed in times of stress)

This by far helped me the most with anxiety and also sleeping. I noticed the impact straight away after initially using it daily to deal with the ongoing nerves and the on edge feeling. After about a week of daily dosage, I switched to taking it ‘as needed’. More recently I have taken it only as a sleep aid very rarely.

Relora Plus: A mix of B vitamins (1 capsule twice a day with meals, then as needed in times of stress)

This one helps balance cortisol and DHEA levels and supports a positive mood by helping to reduce anxiety. I didn’t notice quite the same immediate impact as L-Theanine had, however, a year later I had another blood test and I was still a little low on B vitamins, so I still take B supplements today.

Melatonin (1 capsule a day in new time zones when traveling)

My dad has long been a proponent of Melatonin for jetlag. I never tried it, but after speaking to this particular naturopathic doctor, I started to use it for jetlag and occasionally help with sleep if Magnesium and L-Theanine don’t get me there.

5 HTP (1 capsule as required for headaches or poor mood)

My friend Olena Beley from PopThePimple.com got me on to this one. 5-Hydroxytryptophan, also known as oxitriptan, is a naturally occurring amino acid and chemical precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin – that all important happiness brain chemical, which I was low on in my tests.

I take this rarely, usually if I feel a headache coming on, but it sure is effective. It also has the added benefit of making you just feel better, which obviously helps with anxiety or feelings of depression. I wouldn’t want to take this as a daily supplement though, it feels like something you could become a little dependent on.

I began taking Vitamin D3 (especially when I was in Canada where the sun isn’t high enough during the colder months to give us the Vitamin D we need) and Vitamin C for all around immune support.

I also started taking a range of other supplements related to digestion and immune support, which I will cover in a future article.

One word of warning: After the doctor prescribed my supplement regime, I found myself suddenly taking over 20 pills a day! (this was just my initial short-term treatment). At first, it was great at helping with the anxiety, but within a week I had some pretty epic diarrhoea, which was not fun!

When I went back to the doctor for my follow up appointment and told her what was going on, she immediately dropped my dosages to mostly on an ‘as needed’ basis, which is how I use the anxiety supplements today.

I still take Magnesium, Vitamin D and C daily, Vitamin B12 regularly and a few other digestion and immune related supplements.

One important thing to consider here is that all of the supplements I have mentioned are over the counter, non-prescription vitamins (except melatonin, which can be a prescription medication in some countries). That’s as far as I know anyway, it might be different in your country.

I’ve been able to buy them all in pharmacies and grocery stores in America, Canada, and Europe during my travels.

I’m not a medical professional so take my advice here as you will… but I have to say I like vitamin supplements a whole lot more than the ‘strong’ drugs you might get prescribed from everyday doctors, like antidepressants and beta-blockers, which can be addictive, don’t treat the cause, only the symptoms… and then create a whole new set of symptoms!

That’s why I went to a Naturopathic Doctor, someone who has a holistic view of treatment and focuses on helping the body to heal itself. In particular, I was looking for advice on food and mineral supplementation, so I needed a doctor who values that kind of treatment.

I believe a combination of mindset training, nutrition management (you are what you eat and drink) and vitamin supplementation are the best cure and also the best PREVENTION to problems, and anxiety is no different.

Of course, there is a time for medical intervention too, you should access all the resources you can to get better, just make sure you don’t skip the obvious – your body is a machine that requires good fuel to function properly!

I should also mention before I wrap up this section that part of my diet changes included a reduction or elimination of things like sugars, gluten, dairy, and processed foods. I never drink coffee or alcohol or do recreational drugs, which has been the case my whole life.

I eat vegetables, some lean meat and fish, nuts, lots of dark chocolate (my one vice when it comes to sugar), and drink plenty of water. I do break the eating rules from time to time, especially because I travel so much and there are so many good things to try, but overall I am pretty strict with what I put into my body.

Normally these sorts of diet changes are not considered a treatment for anxiety, but they really are. As I mentioned earlier, your anxiety and/or panic attacks could disappear simply because you give your body proper nutrition, so why not at least try making these changes and see what happens?

You can’t get around the nutrition issue. Take action and change what you put in your body if you truly want to cure your anxiety and panic, not to mention most other problems (depression, fatigue, lack of focus, lack of motivation, skin conditions, weight gain…and the list goes on!).

Step 8: Do Work That Gives You Meaning

Have you ever done something you enjoy so much that time just disappears?

It might be something creative, like painting or writing or knitting, or a physical activity like playing tennis, or rock climbing, or even having sex. It could be driving a car, designing a building, cooking a meal or delivering a lecture.

This experience of lost time is commonly called being in ‘flow’ or ‘flow state’. You’ve probably heard the phrase she is in the flow when for example, a dancer is performing on stage or a baseball pitcher is striking everyone out.

We are all capable of being in this state. I’m confident you have already experienced it at some point in your life.

I came to an interesting realization when I began looking at what activities lead to flow state for me…

I never experience anxiety while in flow.

I realized that quite frequently anxiety in my life was linked to things the opposite of flow.

I’d get anxious when I forced myself to do things I didn’t want to do. I’d get anxious thinking about my future and not being sure what I was ‘meant to do with my life’. I’d get anxious thinking I was falling behind my friends because they seemed to be so sure of their direction and I was not.

As I began to look deeper into when I was most happy in my life, I realized it all came down to one thing…

Purpose.

When I had a purpose, the work I did towards my goal gave me meaning. This in turn led to more flow states, better creative output, and thus more overall happiness.

Whenever these things were absent, I was more likely to feel depressed or anxious.

It’s easy for me to write this now because I know very clearly what my purpose is and what creative tasks give me joy. I’ve constructed a lifestyle designed specifically to support my purpose, so I am rewarded for following it, both intrinsically and financially.

However, go back 15 years and I was lost, really lost.

I didn’t know what my purpose was, I wasn’t sure what I was good at or meant to do, and up to that point, I had spent a lot of time doing things I didn’t enjoy, like studying subjects at school and university I didn’t care about.

On top of this, I had no money, no girlfriend, and no potential career path. I was a ship lost at sea!

Unfortunately, there was no instant breakthrough for me. I didn’t just wake up one day with clarity about my purpose.

If, as you read this, you feel I could be describing your life too, I have some good news, there is an answer.

For many of us, figuring out your purpose is a process. It’s not a moment in time, it’s an ongoing experience. Experience is the tool we use to figure out our purpose.

And here is one of the most powerful mindset reframes to help you find your purpose when you feel lost…

Make discovering your purpose your purpose.

This won’t be your purpose forever of course, but if you treat the search, the process of experiencing various things, conducting ‘life experiments’ like a scientist to help you discover your purpose, you will find the meaning you are looking for.

It’s important you have patience and don’t compare yourself to others. Some people know what they are meant to do from a young age, others spend their entire life exploring different purposes.

If on the other hand, right now you are very clear what your purpose is, you know what activities give you meaning and flow, then you owe it to yourself to devote your energy to constructing a life designed to support this purpose.

Don’t put off your purpose because you feel you have to be responsible to other people or pressures that society is placing on you. You always have the power to make choices. Some choices lead towards your purpose, others take you away.

I’m not talking about dropping everything in your life to suddenly become a musician, or artist, or entrepreneur (unless that’s what you want to do!). If you have family members that need looking after, debts that need to be paid, or health matters that must be addressed, these things must factor into your choices too.

However, there are always choices you can make that will create opportunities to explore your purpose more frequently.

You can choose to work a part time job so you have time to work on your music or business

You can choose instead of watching Netflix for a couple of hours each night, to work on writing your novel

You can choose to move to a country where the cost of living is lower, so you can quit the job you don’t like and focus on your blog or podcast

You can choose to get up an hour or two earlier, so you can practice your dance routine

There are always options. It’s your fear that stops you from making decisions that might ultimately make you happier in the long run.

Do You Have To Make Money From Your Purpose?

Not every person has a purpose that directly translates into income.

If the potential is there for you to profit from your creativity, then you have the opportunity to live what many people consider a dream – getting paid to do what you love.

However, you shouldn’t feel that your purpose must somehow result in making money. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.

If you see opportunities and you like the idea of earning money from something you love, then open the doors that lead to that outcome.

What is most important, especially when it comes to your happiness (and thus helping with anxiety and depression), is figuring out what leads to flow state for you, and then making changes to your life that allow you to enter flow state more frequently.

As Joseph Campbell famously wrote, “Follow your bliss“.

BILL MOYERS: Do you ever have the sense of… being helped by hidden hands?

JOSEPH CAMPBELL: All the time. It is miraculous. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result of invisible hands coming all the time – namely, that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.

Source: http://bit.ly/2srt3jx

Step 9: Get Off The Rollercoaster

You lose a job, your boyfriend dumps you, you get into a car accident, your product launch fails, your pet dies, you break a nail…

Life has a habit of throwing a range of experiences at you that you don’t see coming.

The ancient stoics had an interesting way of interpreting what we would call ‘bad events’. Rather than instantly label them as bad and letting your thoughts and feelings turn negative, instead look at these events as tools for growth.

The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.

  — Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor

Once again, perception is key. Events happen, you decide how you react. A bad thing is only bad if you decide it is.

Marcus Aurelius, famous founding father of Stoic Philosophy, reveals a dichotomy in life that at first can be very hard to see.

The seeds of your greatest growth opportunities, come from your greatest challenges.

As modern day author Ryan Holiday aptly titled his book on Stoicism, The Obstacle Is The Way.

As an anxious person who may be experiencing panic attacks, who defaults to negative frameworks, adopting this philosophy is a challenge. However, that challenge shows you the pathway to change.

During a very dark period for me when I was experiencing panic attacks and feeling very depressed, I went online looking for the answer to a big question…

What is the meaning of life?

To find the answer, I typed the question into Google.

The search results lead me to a series of philosophic articles that helped shape what would become my default way of seeing the world.

To put it simply, I decided to get off the rollercoaster.

Life can easily feel like a rollercoaster of events. You a get a new job, then you break up with your girlfriend. Your bicycle gets stolen, then you book an overseas holiday. You get the flu, then you recover from the flu!

These ups and downs continue throughout your entire life. No one escapes.

I made the decision to simply see events as events, and then decide how best to respond to them, based on what I wanted for my life. I knew that both the good and the bad would pass, and I decided what was good and bad.

I am also careful to work within the conditions I face in any given moment.

When I am less than optimal, missing sleep, unwell, hungry, going through challenging periods, I make the choice to be gentle with myself.

I focus on the basics, get good sleep, eat healthy, and do my best to see the positive. I temporarily reduce my expectations and work in maintenance mode until I feel things improve.

When I feel strong, when events turn in a direction I desire, when anxiety and panic left, I reach for more. I challenge myself to do what I fear, I set bigger goals, I take risks, do things I previously was afraid to do.

There’s a time to treat yourself with kindness, and there is a time to push yourself forward because you have a strong base to jump from.

Life can feel out of control if you instantly react to whatever is happening without any conscious thought to how you want to respond. The power comes from the space between the event and your reaction. Find that space and you will find peace.

Step 10: The Destination Is Guaranteed, So Relax

When I was very young, under five years old, I remember waking up in the mornings contemplating my own death.

That time just after waking up was strange for me because I wasn’t sure where I had just been. It was like I didn’t exist anymore while sleeping, then I woke up and I did. This made me think about dying and what it was like to ‘not exist’ on a potentially permanent basis.

This thought as a young boy was at first terrifying, but also incomprehensible. I couldn’t use what I had — my mind and body — to understand what it was like when these things are gone.

As I grew older, I came to a set of beliefs about death, which have significantly changed how I view life.

Death is the only thing in life that is guaranteed to occur. Everyone gets a turn.

You might not know when, or how, but you know for sure you will get to experience this aspect of life transforming.

Accepting my death became one of the core tenets of how I overcame anxiety and panic.

Whilst in the middle of panic attacks, I began thinking a mantra to myself over and over again…

“This too will pass.”

This mantra is a powerful one that people often use for anything in life that is uncomfortable, undesirable or unpleasant.

After you have a few panic attacks, you really do understand through experience that they will actually pass, but I took the ethos of this mantra further.

Knowing that I was going to die became the ultimate “this too will pass” because it will, I will pass on. There is nothing I experience while alive that will continue forever.

I feel I should mention at this point that I was not having suicidal thoughts. I’m also not suggesting you should contemplate killing yourself as a means to stop anxiety and panic, regardless of how horrible they can be at times. My desire for you is to do what I did and use the steps in this article to recover.

Once I fully embraced my own impending departure from life as we know it, I came to a very powerful conclusion:

If nothing in life is permanent, why on earth was I spending so much time making my present so unpleasant!?

To put it simply, death made me relax.

I realized I was giving so much value and energy to so many thoughts about things and people that didn’t deserve that kind of attention. I owed it to myself to use what time I had in a more productive manner.

It’s a unique mindset, but truly accepting the ultimate destination, makes you appreciate the journey that much more.

You Chose This Experience For A Reason

The ten steps I have just outlined to you will change your life. Living through them certainly changed mine.

I’d like to leave you with one powerful idea as I wrap up this guide:

What you are currently experiencing with panic or anxiety or depression or whatever challenge you face today, is something you chose for a reason.

I know this can be hard to hear. The idea that you self-selected to go through pain, fear, sadness, or any negative experience, whilst in the middle of experiencing it, is difficult to accept.

If someone said this to me while in the middle of a panic attack, I think I would have felt like punching them in the face.

I certainly did NOT want to experience what I was experiencing.

Despite this, there was a part of me that knew what I was going through was happening for a greater purpose. The knowing of it only grew the longer I experienced and then worked to eliminate anxiety and panic attacks from my life.

Much of the success in life I have enjoyed was on some level born from the mindset changes I went through and outlined in this article.

If I didn’t study positive psychology, if I didn’t practice mindfulness, if I didn’t learn how to reframe my perceptions and ‘get off the rollercoaster’, I doubt I would have been able to build a million dollar business, or travel the world for years at a time, or meet the people and have all the wonderful experiences I have enjoyed.

However, what is most important to me, is the fact that this guide you are reading now couldn’t exist if I didn’t live through what I lived through with anxiety and panic.

I would not be able to help you and potentially millions of other people through the internet to overcome anxiety and panic attacks, if I didn’t myself have the experience of them.

The joy and value I get knowing that this article will lead to some relief in your life, that it will help you to help yourself gain control and a pathway forward to emerge from your own fears and negative thoughts and eventually recover from anxiety and panic, is the greatest reward.

Beyond this, I believe that the skills I am teaching you here will help you improve other aspects of your life. You may start your own business, become a leader in your field, meet the love of your life, or simply be happier because you learn to see the positive instead of the negative. These ripple effects go well beyond my possible comprehension, and I love that.

You in turn may go on to teach others, sharing your story of recovery, and further spreading messages that will ultimately make the world a better place.

Helping each other is what we are here to do. Although this may be hard to believe now, if you can see your own suffering today merely as a step towards something incredibly positive — a chance to eventually help others — you are on the way to recovery.

This is truly what Marcus Aurelius was talking about. What blocks your path today, lights the way for millions more tomorrow.

I don’t believe in coincidences. I don’t believe you discovered this article by accident, in fact I believe I wrote it specifically for you.

Now it’s your turn, it’s time to make positive changes.

Yaro

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A Candid Opener

             I wrote a lot as a kid. I didn’t really think about it. I think about everything now, and all too often, they aren’t the most positive and constructive thoughts. I doubt myself a lot and tend to have very little faith in my capabilities most days. I’m aware that it is a problem and do my best to catch myself and counter negative thoughts with positive ones, but it turns out learning to love and trust yourself is hard work! I get scared that I won’t be cut out for it since I struggle with sticking to much if I don’t see results right away, but I did have a phase in the summer of 2014 when I was extremely careful about where my thoughts went. I caught myself in time to change the direction a thought was taking me often enough that eventually I was thinking predominantly in positive and constructive ways. I remember the feeling and how it changed my day-to-day. I have fallen out of monitoring my thoughts for too long to admit and I plan on channeling that feeling that I remember to get myself back into that groove. One of the greatest difficulties for me in the recent past has been getting myself to actually do the things I know will be good for me instead of just kicking the ideas around. I’m hoping that keeping a blog will help to hold myself accountable for what I say I am going to do. I journal fairly frequently, so I think if I just move from paper to computer, where I have a chance of gaining some kind of an audience, I will be better suited to help myself. Writing is one of those things that I want to get back to as well, but procrastinate on out of fear. Who knows, maybe I will end up posting more than blog entries.

            The vision I hold in my mind of myself is a complicated one, and it tends to fluctuate depending on the day. Some days I am comfortable in my own skin and I’m all smiles. Most days however, I don’t like to look at myself too long in the mirror, I wear comfortable clothing so I don’t focus on how I think people see me, and I keep my mind on what I am doing at work so I don’t have to think about all of the things that I want to learn to do, but can’t seem to make myself begin.  When I’m working I have a set list of things given to me by someone else to complete, and I always give it my all. I need to learn how to apply that mentality to my own personal goals. I need to learn to take instruction from myself. But I don’t think highly enough of myself to feel like there will be consequences if I don’t follow through. But there ARE consequences! I’m uncomfortable with my body, I don’t give myself enough time to learn the things that interest me, and I haven’t learned to truly love myself, so I haven’t let anyone else love me. All of these things contribute to a depression that recently is difficult to shake. I’ve known depression my whole life: on average I will go through a bout of it every six months, usually for no particular reason that I can pinpoint.

               I am working on getting to know my depression as a close friend, an indicator that something needs to change, instead of some dark monster trying to pull me into the depths of despair. It’s a challenge, but I believe it’s a mentality that with persistence will see me go far. Self-determination will be the key, but it is another thing that I struggle with greatly, for the same reasons as above in regard to believing in myself. Deep down I know that everybody sucks when they start something new, and only get better through disciplined practice. It will take a great amount of effort on my part to get past these bad habits I have created for myself, but I know that the time is now. I’m not getting any younger, and I want to accomplish something (or a few somethings) in my life. I am an excellent listener and communicator, and the people that I know tend to come to me with their accomplishments and things they are working on because they know that I will give them support and honest feedback, but I get depressed because I never have anything to show for myself except for a heavy workload. It’s time for me to make something of myself other than being a workaholic and a good friend. I’m not saying those aren’t traits to be proud of, I am very proud of myself for that, but there are other things that I want for myself. I would like to get back into writing, I feel like I have lost my touch; I want to learn music theory and how to play guitar and piano; I want to spend more time on my roller skates and get completely comfortable in them, maybe take them to the skate part someday; I want a list of books read so long I’ll get tired of looking at it; I want to learn to sing; I’ve always imagined myself as a dancer and indulged in it very amateurly from time to time when I’m all along; all these things and more I KNOW can be accomplished. I only need to believe and act.

#depression #self improvement