#tbh i think i have most everything figured out?? i’m either overthinking it or under thinking it

[hotboiessek]

okay y’all i’m going to be dming for the first time and i am v open to any/all dm tips

if you got anything please send advice/resources my way

#help me please #i don’t wanna ask my dm too many questions cause she’ll be a player and i wanna surprise her along with the party #tbh i think i have most everything figured out?? i’m either overthinking it or under thinking it #dnd stories #dm tips #nonfandom

[shadowhunterspolycule]

the first major snowfall in ages finally hit nyc recently and all im imaging is the Polycule attaching snowboards and the such to the back of simons van and them just being happy with snow day activities

oof, this ask is from so many months ago, i'm so sorry. i was very busy. i'm also not sure how great my answer will be because i'm a whole ass brazilian so i have no idea what snow day activies are, but i will try anyway

so, major advantages: meliorn has magic and maia is a werewolf and if i'm not mistaken it's said or implied that werewolves have a higher core body temperature than humans. or maybe i made that up, but it's canon for me

major disadvantages: raphael and simon are vampires, which means that technically they are kind of "cold-blooded" creatures? i mean they would still have other important temperature regulating mechanisms such as mitochrondrial heat production and muscle contraction, but they basically don't have a heartbeat/blood flow/arguably blood at all, which is a major way of regulating core temperature, and canonically their skin feels pretty cold, so like. they probably are more suscetible to temperature changes is what i'm saying (i'm mostly going off this source [link] for this. i'm already overthinking this answer good job me)

plus i am once again saying that raphael is from guadalajara which means that like me he is used to Worm Temperchoores, like, WAY warmer than NYC's, and he grew up without pretty much any kind of snow at all. and sure he's lived in NYC for years so he's SOMEWHAT used to the cold but he still spent his formative years in guadalajara, so like. he fucking hates the cold, is my point

but back to major advantages: meliorn and magic! which means they can do something about it. don't ask me what, but i'm sure they can do Something. i mean i'm sure to some extent the downworld has already figured out a solution to this problem cuz while it might not kill them (since they're immortal) it is very uncomfortable and probably makes them slower, which is a disadvantage to say the least. plus raphael has magnus who knows that raphael is a grumpy ass in the cold. also i think java is similarly hot so magnus Gets It, but idk what the temperatures usually are in jakarta

anyway my point is that magnus probably got some coats/vests/blankets spelled for his boy so they can keep him toasty (since they are otherwise kinda useless for vampires since they rely on trapping body heat and vampires don't have any) and vampires in general probably have access to that kinda stuff, but still, rapha gets grumpy and his face is still cold and everything is just awful and he doesn't understand how gringos do it. his complaints fly for about 2 days before the New Yorker Squad™ (particularly simon and maia, who drag clary and inevitably everyone else is there) decides that they've had enough of this and that raphael will learn how to enjoy the snow

he is like "i am not willingly going into the snow! you don't understand, i'm a vampire, i won't get back my body heat the way you do". simon: "i literally am also a vampire". raphael: "you're just a fledgeling, you wouldn't understand" "i've been a vampire for like, ten years!" "seven" "same thing" "it's so not the-" "i have gone through enough winters to be able to understand, and you, sir, are going to learn to enjoy the snow. have you EVER even made a snow angel?" "no" "well this changes today"

he literally has no excuse because meliorn has this super sweet spell that keeps him from losing heat so like. he doesn't even need a coat (he's still wearing it and preferably also a scarf and gloves because he is, first and foremost, dramatic) so he is forced to have a day off and go play in the snow, woe is him

(he tells the clan that should they need anything they should ring him, but they're like "nah simon has promised us pictures of you in the snow, we can handle ourselves" and it's not like raphael is too busy these days, really)

anyway! they have fun. simon strikes me as the winter lover kind of person altho really i think he enjoys all seasons in their own way, but like... hot chocolate and scarves and snow fights, yes? and while i think maia might prefer warmer temperatures she can double enjoy herself in the snow now that she's a werewolf because she gets less cold and like, damn, tell me that being a wolf and jumping headfirst into a pile of snow wouldn't be fun. you can't, unless you're a bad taste bitch

i also think maia is the building snow forts kind of gal because, idk, she just looks that way. and sure she's excited about kicking everyone's asses during snowball fight but FIRST she needs to have a full fort complete with towers and windows for her to throw snowballs from and shit

rapha is the one that helps her build it the most cuz he likes the motions and besides it is a little less energetic than whatever it is that the rest of these wackos are doing. again izzy didn't get any chances to play in the snow either so naturally clary is dragging her around from snow activity to snow activity and running around everywhere and holy shit they have so much energy. simon is there as well naturally and eventually they make it their goal in life to ruin maia's and rapha's fort, which ends up kickstarting the mandatory snowball fight. even tho maia only has a half complete fort

(eventually when everyone has left maia and rapha will come back and finish the fort. it's the principle of the thing. raphael also wants to build an igloo or some shit and maia rolls her eyes but actually i can see him being into building snow things? it's just soothing and nice and quiet and he can pretend there's Elegance and Finesse to it)

and meliorn is just watching them curiously the whole time because of course they know snow but they dont really know about Snow Activities these funky little non-seelies dedicate themselves too. i feel like the seelies have their own snow activities, maybe like, festivals? dances with the snowfall and games to welcome the change in the environment, that sort of thing. but they are nothing like snow angels ("it doesn't look like an angel in the slightest, just like you kept moving your legs and arms in the snow" "thats what it is" "right, so...?") or snowmen ("also doesn't look like a man" "meliorn we aren't exactly artists") or snow fights (altho that one they can appreciate) and they're really interested in like participating even though they dont understand and everyone has to keep telling them that it's Not That Deep and izzy is so amused she just kisses them one billion times

eventually they start doing it just to get more of those laugh-filled kisses of hers

also at least one of them, probably izzy of rapha or meliorn since they are the snow ignorant ones of the group, is absolutely horrible at making snowmen. probably izzy tbh because shadowhunters dont exactly have a knack for these things. like clary's snowman is all artistic and simon's is fun and creative, maia's is pretty, raphael's and meliorn's look like the Platonic Ideal Of A Snowman, and izzy's looks like A Pile Of Dirt. clary giggles at it for an embarrassing amount of time, which inevitably leads to izzy taking the snow from her snowman to throw snowballs at clary and triggering a new snowfight

and then they have some soup inside and cuddle under a blanket as they fight over what they should watch and all is well with the world

#I Have No Idea If That's What Snow Activities Are Like #sh #shadowhunters #shadowhunters polycule #maia roberts #izzy lightwood #simon lewis #raphael santiago #clary fray #meliorn #text #ask #anonymous #fluff #humor #headcanon #clizzy #maiaphael #saphael #isabeliorn #q

[youichi-kuramochi]

dearest viv,

how the FUCK do you connect scenes?

i forgot what sign off i was gonna use

started with an r

umm

fuck. whatever

i cant remember if it was regards or respectfully. maybe respectfully?? yeah since i was yelling?? ok

respectfully,

honey ʕ ﹒ ᴥ ﹒ ʔ

ALDFKJGALDFKGDLFJ THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST ASK TO WAKE UP TO THANK YOU FOR THAT OMG

ANYWAY............ do u mean like in general or me personally lmao bc my answer to the second is probably like. totally unhelpful bc I just kinda vibe it most of the time when I’m writing adflkjagdfk at least first drafts. editing is another story (standby. we’ll get there lmao)

[sidebar: OH MY GOD THIS ANSWER GOT SO LONG I’M SO SORRY IF THIS WAS A JOKEY ASK AND I JUST RAMBLED UNNECESSARILY FOR LIKE FOREVER I am just. I am very passionate about writing even though my own process is a Mess aldkfjglkgf anyway I’m putting this under a cut bc uh. this really got away from me]

alright so theoretically??? I think transitions are less important than like. there should be a point each scene is trying to make. it either develops character or plot or relationships or any combination of those, and you need to have enough to make that point and then it can end (though I overelaborate a lot so. idk. I don’t think I follow most of this advice even though I understand it In Theory adlfkgjlkf). similarly, when you string the scenes together, they should to build towards a larger narrative arc. like because character a learned this thing about themself in the previous scene, now they can confront character b about something else. or because of this character establishing moment, we can now have this character do this thing because we, the readers, now have some insight into their motivations/fears/desires/etc. or whatever. I guess this is sort of about transitions lmao but the point is that the larger narrative should connect, not that you need to be super careful always about making the words/physical scenes themselves connect, if that makes sense

imo scenes can start and end abruptly and like as long as the narrative point is made you don’t really miss out on much. I’m terrible at actually doing this which is why my fics all wind up so long but I don’t mind it at all when I’m reading. I think it’s really cool when someone can make a really powerful point with far fewer words than I ever could. idk who told me this maybe a professor or maybe I just read it somewhere but it’s often a good move to drop readers right in the middle of the action like you don’t need that much buildup to it (unless the buildup serves a purpose. maybe your character is hesitating. maybe they’re overthinking.) you might need more buildup/general exposition in the beginning to get us acquainted with the world of the fic, but especially as you go on, exposition only as needed can be a good move. something something kill your darlings, y’know?

actually this last bit I do follow sometimes lmao I often wind up with several pages of just. unused text that I’d written and then decided was extraneous to the point I was trying to make or made a scene drag on or just didn’t click. like for my current ongoing fic, I have entire scenes I’ve cut. I wrote 2k of a high school scene that I ended up only using slivers of for flashbacks. there was a scene when onigiri miya opened at one point. for my bkak big bang fic I literally have over 6k that I took out completely that if I had kept in would’ve given the whole thing a completely different tone that I decided I didn’t like after I’d already written like half the fic. so I scrapped them. I usually save these, not do anything with really but just because deleting text forever is hard lmao so saving the writing somewhere, if not in the fic itself, makes it easier for me to cut

ALL THAT SAID it’s also totally cool to just trust your gut and run with a vague idea. like this kind of writing should be fun and I wouldn’t let worrying about this stuff get in the way of having a good time. and also everyone’s process is different!! everyone’s writing style is different and your writing probably won’t have the same tone or style as writers you admire and that’s okay!! it’s a good thing, even, imo. that’s what’s so cool about writing and honestly a lot of my favorite writers do not write like I do and I love that

and when I said I vibe it w my fics I really honestly do 90% of the time. I usually have a general sense of where I’m going but it’s more enjoyable for me discover things on the way. some people swear by outlines, I fundamentally do not other than like. AT MAX writing a short bullet point list of scenes I want to include as I think of them bc my brain is like a sieve. and usually weeks after starting something, I’ll write a line/paragraph/scene and have an epiphany like oh my god. oh my god I get what this whole piece is trying to say. (this is my favorite part of writing tbh. discovering that moment) and once I have that, it’s much easier to figure out what belongs and what doesn’t when I go back and edit earlier scenes and make sure that everything ties together

and also, finally, (sorry I know I’ve been rambling for a while now I swear this is the last point) I want to note that all of this gets easier and more natural with practice. I’ve been writing for over 10 years, on and off. ao3 says I have 500k+ of published fic, not to mention I probably as much if not more from abandoned wips that will never see the light of day AND a bunch of stuff floating around on livejournal (lol) from the pre-ao3 days, so I have written. a LOT. and over time you sort of hone your intuition about what works for you and what doesn’t and at least for me, now I think a lot less abt the nitty gritty and just go wherever my writing takes me and I’ll usually land in the general vicinity of making sense. I think anyone can get there (or wherever it is you’d like to be if this isn’t your style). the trick is just to keep writing! it’s a skill like everything else ☺️

#my english degree is like girl u know how to structure stories u know what the elements are #u know how ur supposed to use symbolism and motifs and how to construct thematic elements #but then I sit down to write and my brain just goes BRRR PINING IDIOTS and I just kinda go from there #ooooh my god this is so long I'm so sorry I am literally incapable of being concise #do u see how I keep winding up with 20k fics lmao I cannot shut up when I have a point I wanna make #god I hope someone finds this at least remotely useful I really just went full stream of consciousness for *checks* 6 paragraphs wow #do not ask me about writing unless ur prepared for this ig you learn smth new about yourself every day akdjfgldkf #if u actually read all of this I owe u my life lmao #honeyukishiro #text #ask

[capaldifiction]

Our Chaotic Life (Part 2) - Lewis Capaldi x Reader

Well I told myself this series would be individuals scenes per part and I’d keep them relatively short. Yeah I already broke that on part 2. If you’ve read my other stuff you’ve probably noticed I tend to write long fics so hopefully this was just expected lol Hope you all enjoy part 2!

Paring: Lewis Capaldi x Comedian Reader

Word Count: 2,938

Description: Based on the request: “Lewis and the reader are kinda like a power couple of sorts? Idk it sounds cheesy but maybe she’s like a comedian or something and they are kinda infamous for their TikToks and Instagram Lives and stuff of that sort? Maybe it’s just a compilation of them just being effin adorable?“

In this part Lewis and Y/N go on a date.

Warnings: Some swearing (this is just going to be on every fic tbh)

PART 1

Y/N looks herself over in the mirror for what felt like the hundredth time in the last hour. Everything she put on she hated.

After meeting at the venue, her and Lewis had their first ‘date’ that night after their gigs. The audience had liked both their sets, and they’d gone out for drinks to celebrate. Since then they’d managed to find time for two more dates during the day.

What she wasn’t prepared for was how much she liked him increasing after each date. What had started as a joke, seemed like it was turning into something else. But they’d only had drinks and two lunch dates so far. When he’d called to ask her on another, and she suggested meeting up later for dinner instead, she hadn’t fully thought that through.

Staring at her open wardrobe in front of her, she sighed. The drinks were just that, drinks after a gig. She wore what she’d been wearing all day. And the lunch dates she’d figured were casual, they were just meeting up for lunch and it wasn’t that serious yet. Still just joking about marriage.

But something about getting dinner together, after three dates she genuinely enjoyed, felt like she had to put more effort into how she looked. But how much effort? He didn’t seem the type to dress up too much, but what if he did and she under-dressed? Or she went for it and he showed up in a t-shirt and jeans?

Swearing at the clothes in front of her she finally grabbed something off the hanger and convinced herself it was good enough. As she ran her brush through her hair, she practiced a few lines for her next set in the mirror in attempt to calm herself down.

So far everything with Lewis had been light. Everything was joking around and having a good time, getting to know one another while slagging each other off. Somewhere in there she realized how much she was actually enjoying being around him. And part of her wanted it to be deeper.

Her door bell rings, pulling her from her thoughts as she grabs her things and heads toward the door. Swinging it open reveals Lewis standing on her doorstep with flowers in hand.

“I, thought maybe you'd like flowers?” he asks hesitantly offering them toward her. “If not I’ll chuck them in the bush and we can pretend this part never happened.”

“How uncharacteristically sweet of you,” she teases but accepts them from him. “Come on in, I’ll find something to put them in.”

Following her into her apartment, he looks around the room as she rummages through a drawer in the kitchen. “Nice place,” he comments as he looks at pictures hanging on the wall.

“Thanks,” she shouts back, finally finding something suitable and filling it with water. “Where’d you want to go to eat?”

“Uh, I heard about an Italian place nearby maybe?” he offers as he goes to stand in the entryway of her kitchen.

“Works for me,” she answers, finally setting the vase of flowers on her window sill.

As she turns back toward him, Lewis clears his throat, “You look, really nice by the way.”

Stepping closer to him, she reaches up to lightly squeeze one of his blushing cheeks, “You look pretty handsome yourself, I thought you only owned hoodies.”

“Thought I’d make an effort to look a bit nicer for you tonight,” he teases back as they head out the door toward his car.

The dinner went well, though the wine might have helped calm her down a bit. Being around him was comfortable. He had that ease about him. At some point during the dinner she’d suggested seeing a movie, and that’s how they ended up at some action movie she wasn’t sure either of them were really all that into.

Admittedly she spent more time during the movie overthinking about what him holding her hand meant, than actually paying attention to the plot line.

Heading out to the parking lot they joked about the movie lightheartedly before growing silent as they reached his car. Neither seemingly ready to head back home.

“There’s this place not too far we could go hang out,” she suggests.

“Sure that works for me,” he nods and they get into the car, “So where is this place?”

“Ok this is going to sound sketchy, but just trust me,” she clarifies as she puts the location on the GPS in his phone. “It’s just a field past some wooded areas I used to go hang out at as a teenager.”

“Is that where you’re going to harvest my organs?” he asked with a raised eyebrow as he glances at the GPS.

“If that was the plan I’d not have gone on this many dates with you Lewis, too many witnesses and too much work,” she jokes.

“That wasn’t a no,” he responds as he follows the directions to the location.

“You’re supposed to be my betrothed, and you don’t trust me?” She says in a mock sad voice.

Somehow between the movie theater parking lot and their destination, she found her hand resting on his leg. Neither seemingly wanting to move it, she contented herself with rubbing small circles on his thigh as he drove and they chatted about nothing in particular.

She’d found a pair of discarded sunglasses and put them on at some point, ignoring the fact it was far too dark to see efficiently with them.

“We make sacrifices for the sake of good sunglasses,” he joked nodding approvingly at her choice. “Fuck the sun, look class all the time.”

As they finally reached the place, she shifted the sunglasses up to her forehead and directed him to parked in the center of the field, “Want to get out and stargaze?”

He shrugs, “Sure, I’ll get some music playing.”

Y/N gets out of the car, leaving the sunglasses on the dash, and walks to the front of his car and crawls up on the hood. Behind her Lewis rolls the windows down, and gets out closing the door before reaching through the window to select a radio station and turn the car off.

“Oh, none of your music to play?” she questions as he crawls up on the hood next to her.

“Unfortunately, I don't have my own radio station or record at this point darling,” he responds lightly flicking her forehead.

“Yet,” she comments, laying back to look at the sky.

“Oh?” he comments, laying back beside her. “You believe in me huh?”

“I don’t marry losers Lewis,” she says with a wink toward him, a smile spreading across his face. “Seriously though, you’ve got a great voice, you keep pushing and you’ll make it.”

“Glad you think so,” he replies before they go silent.

After a few minutes of looking up at the stars in the sky, they start telling each other various stories from their childhoods and teen years. At some point she’d found herself flush up against his body, with his arm around her as her head rested on his shoulder.

“How’d you get into comedy?” he asked as he pushed some loose hair from her face.

“When you’re a sarcastic smart-ass you either need to learn to suppress it or harness it,” she says with a grin. “I chose the later.”

“This sounds like a ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ moment,” he chuckles.

“Nah fuck that, it’s a super villain story,” she adds. “But nah.. that’s true, but I just found I liked making people laugh. I can’t say I just discovered a talent and wanted to run with it. I just enjoyed the laughs and smiles on faces. When I was young I just liked the attention, the older I got, I liked being able to just say something that could bring someone’s spirits up. And comedy seemed like something that used what I’m good at, to bring some happiness to peoples lives even if it was just for a half hour set. Sometimes we all just need a moment to forget about all the shit going on in our lives and just laugh. Not much of an origin story, class clown realized she liked making people happy.”

“I think that was the most sincere thing I’ve heard you say since I’ve met you,” he murmurs, holding her closer to his body. “I feel the same way. I love music, and it’s the only thing I could see myself doing because it’s how I enjoy spending my time. But my favorite part is when people tell me after a show how much something I wrote helped them, or just made them happy.  People just coming out to listen to me. There’s something fantastic in doing what you love and getting to make a few people happy along the way.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Y/N lifts their joined hands to motion vaguely at the sky, “Just noticed Orion is right there.”

“You ever do this sort of thing before?” he asks as he tears his gaze from the sky to look toward her.

“Are you asking if I’ve ever looked at the stars before or if I’ve brought someone else here before?” she says in a teasing tone. “Jealousy I detect?”

“Maybe,” he chuckles. “I suppose both to answer your question.”

“I’ve always come out here alone,” she admits looking toward his face. “At night to just relax, and during the day sometimes to write. It’s removed enough from everything to just be alone to the world, but close enough that as a teen I could be back before anyone noticed I was gone.”

“Who’d have imagined, you’d be a cheeky one like that.”

“I’m certain I’m not alone on it.”

“In sneaking out to look at the stars yes, in sneaking out being places you shouldn’t be at 2 AM, no.”

“Look at this bad boy we have here,” she laughs.

“The absolute worst,” he replies, propping himself up on his elbow to look at her better. “I.. I’ve been really enjoying our time together.”

“Me too,” she says softly, her eyes locked onto his before flickering down his lips and back up.

Leaning down, he captures her lips in a kiss as she releases his hand to tangle her fingers in his long hair. Pulling him closer, within seconds he’s over top of her as their lips move urgently.

Pelvis to pelvis, with both her hands in his hair, and both his on either side of her head, they finally break apart to take a breath, a laugh passing between the two of them.

Her eyes flicker away from his for a moment, “Shooting star,” she whispers quietly, her arms wrapping around his shoulders.

His head turns to look up at the sky, the light from the stars reflecting off the blue of his eyes as she finds herself unable to look away from him. “You make a wish?” he asks as he looks back down to her.

“Maybe I did,” she says softly before pulling him back down by his shoulders so his forehead is pressed to hers, his hair making a curtain around their faces. “What about you?”

“I’m pretty happy with the present moment,” he admits before pressing his lips to hers once again.

-

“You going to get out to give me a proper goodbye?” she teases standing in front of the driver side door after their drive back to her place.

“Of course,” he answers, getting out to pull her into an embrace. She settles into him immediately before turning her face up toward his to receive a soft kiss.

“I could get used to this,” she murmurs against the fabric of his shirt, a happy laugh coming from him.

“Well you’re going to have to if you stick to your word,” he teases.

“How far’s your drive?” she asks as her arms squeeze him tighter, not wanting to let go just yet.

“Well,” he mutters, sounding unsure about answering. “It’s about an hour.”

“An hour!?” she exclaims, pulling back from him to look at the sheepish look on his face. “You’re shittin’ me right?”

“It’s alright, not that bad,” he shrugs.

“Why didn’t you tell me before? I wouldn’t have suggested the movie or the field, you could have gone home hours ago. It’s like…” she lets go of him to pull her phone out and look at the time. “Lewis it’s 1 AM.”

“We’d just been having lunch dates so it wasn’t a big deal,” he says. “Had plenty of time to get back. You wanted dinner tonight so I was fine with doing the drive late.”

“But we could have come back hours ago so you wouldn’t be this late,” she argues.

“I didn't want to go then,” he answers simply. “I wanted to watch the movie with you, I wanted to go out to the field. I don’t mind getting back late.”

“Lewis that’s stupid, you should have said something,” she huffs before looking toward her house. “Alright turn your car off and get your ass inside, you’re staying here tonight.”

“I- wait what?” he asks astonished. “Staying with you?”

“I’m not letting you drive an hour back home this late, I have a spare bedroom you can you take,” she answers heading toward the door.

“Oh, ok,” he replies still sounding surprised. Getting into his car quickly, he shuts it off then slams the door shut to head into her apartment.

After he makes it through the door, she locks it behind him and beckons him in toward the spare room. Flipping the light on she rummages through the closet to pull out a towel for him. “I don’t think I have anything that’ll be your size, but if you want to shower and at least wash your shirt or something the washer is in the closet in the hall.”

“I usually just sleep in my pants, rest of my clothes should be fine for tomorrow,” he replies, running his hand through his hair awkwardly.

“Bathroom is at the end of the hall on the left, my room on the right. You know where the kitchen is,” she rattles off as she heads back toward the door of the room. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Quickly shutting the bedroom door behind her, she rushes to her bedroom to get changed, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. She knew if she’d stayed a second longer in there she’d have just had him get in her bed. And she wasn’t sure if they were there yet. Maybe they were. Maybe they weren’t. Being rejected wasn’t how she wanted to end what had been a good night.

After getting changed, she cracked her door open in case he needed her, and flipped her lights off before crawling into bed.

It was odd she realized. It wasn’t like this was the only time she’d ever brought a man here. But it was definitely the first that she’d made one spend the night in her spare bedroom. Though she’d known most of them longer than she’d known Lewis. Yet… could she say she had the same butterflies he had her feeling? Probably not.

Frustrated, she hugged her pillow to her chest and closed her eyes in an attempt to sleep.

After a few minutes, she hears the door to spare bedroom open, and footsteps coming down the hall. He reached the bathroom, obviously trying to be quiet, but knocked something over in the process as she hears a curse come from the room.

Laughing under her breath she opens her eyes to stare at the blank ceiling above her. After what felt like an eternity, which in reality was probably only five minutes, the bathroom door swings back open, spilling the light into the entrance of her bedroom.

“Lewis?” she calls out before she can stop herself, mentally cursing as she sees him hesitantly lean into the room.

“Everything ok?” he asks.

“No, get in here,” she hisses, sitting up to look at him.

“Wait what?” he hesitates, most of his body still behind the door.

She sighs and runs her hands over her face, “I want you to come sleep in my bed with me Lewis, if that’s not something you want, you can just go back to the other bedroom and we’ll pretend this didn’t happen.”

“I, uh, I don’t mind,” he answers letting go of the door. “But I’m already in my pants, if that’s a problem.”

“Nah, just don’t try anything, I’m tired,” she jokes as she slides back under the sheets.

Stepping into the room, he closes the door behind him before heading over to the other side of the bed and sliding in next to her.

Almost immediately she leans into his chest, and he wraps his arms around her. Laying her head against him she sighs happily as he chuckles.

“Just wanted a little cuddle huh?” he asks as he settles in.

“Mhm,” she hums back. “I’m not sick of you yet.”

“Are we… serious?” he asks gently as he rests his head on hers.

“I’d say betrothed is serious,” she jokes.

“Yeah I know, but that’s been a joke,” he insists. “I just… want to know if this is serious for you.”

“Is it serious for you?”

“Yes.”

“And it’s serious for me, you’re mine then,” she mumbles, feeling the sleep already starting to take over as she enjoys his warmth.

“I guess so,” he says lifting his head to press a kiss to her forehead. “Sweet dreams hun.”

-----

PART 1

Masterlist

Request List

#lewis capaldi #lewis capaldi x reader #lewiscapaldi #lewis capaldi imagines #divinely uninspired to a hellish extent #our chaotic life #fanfiction #celebrity imagines #someone you loved

[soflsms]

   ( sorry  I'm  late  to  the  party  im  in  pst  so  i  was  at  work  til  now  sdkfjl )  ANYWHO  hi  pals  what  the  h*ck  is  up  !!  im  chloe  ,  im  21  ,  i  use  she / her  pronouns  &  im  a  broke  a$$  geography  major  !!   i  am  SO  excited  to  be  her  &  get  to  rp  with  all  y’all  bc  judging  by  your  apps  skdflj  i  fuck  with  u  all  .  anywho  ill  stop  my  rambling  ,  below  the  readmore  is  stuff  about  sofie  &  some  wcs !!  

trigger  warning  !!  sex  work  ,  deportation  ,  neglect  ,  bad  writing  ,  alcoholism  &  substance  abuse

HAILEY BALDWIN  /  SHE/HER  /  TWENTY TWO  /  BILLIE EILISH VC

welcome to los angeles , sofie almeda ! the glitterati has been watching you . rumour has it you made your first mark in the industry two years ago & that your net worth currently stands at  8m . it seems as though you’re enjoying being a  singer since relocating from  harlem , new york city . some might say you’d be a good fit for the glitterati due to your hollywood ranking being a solid  #3, & it helps that fans speak so highly of your  individualistic & assiduous ways . unfortunately , our sources cite that those closest to you aren’t particularly impressed with your  self-destructive & choleric tendencies .

stats

name  :   sofie sydney almeda

nicknames  :   sof

age  :  twenty - two  .

birthday  :  december  eleventh  .

zodiac  :  sagittarius  .

gender  :  cisfemale  (  though  doesn’t  vibe  with  the  idea  of  being  STRICTLY  a  WoMaN  ,  she  finds  labels  restrictive  )  .

pronouns  :  she    &    her  .

height  :  5 ′ 6 ″  .

hometown  :    recife  ,  brazil  &  harlem  ,  new  york  city  .

nationality  :  american  ,  brazilian  .

ethnicity  :  english  ,  portuguese   .

label(s)  :  the  venereal  ,  the  bellwether  ,  the  opulent  ,   the  anaxiphile   .

occupation  :  singer  (  vc  billie  eilish  )  .  

quirks  :  fidgeting  ,  allergic  to  shellfish  ,  walks  quickly  ,  cracks  knuckles  ,  always  wears  her  lucky  ‘  st  christopher  ’  necklace  from  her  grandmother  ,  has  a  weird  ability  to  talk  herself  out  of  trouble  ,  can  tie  a  cherry  stem  in  her  mouth  ,  messy  emotionally  but  on - point  physically  ,  vvv  bad  driver  ,  loves  a  good  theme  party  ,  can’t  get  through  the  day  without  multiple  cups  of  coffee  ,  refuses  to  wear  glasses  in  public  even  though  she’s  quite  far - sighted  ,  always  carries  hand  sanitizer ,  prefers  rain  over  sunshine  .

background

         her  mother  ,  marcia  almeda  ,  was  a  recent  graduate  from  secondary  school  who  packed  a  backpack  and  went  traveling !! before  long  tho  she  ended  up  knocked  up  by  another  backpacker  ,  this  one  american  ,  while  they  were  having  a  fling  in  sydney  (  hence  sofie’s  middle  name  lmao  @  her  mom’s  humor  )  .  she  flew  back  home  when  she  found  out  &  never  told  sofie’s  father  oops !! so  marcia  had  sofie  at  home  in  recife  just  before  her  nineteenth  birthday  ,  and  marcia  was  enthralled  w  little  sofie  .  ofc  she  inherited  her  mother’s  beauty  (  i  hc  marcia  looks  like  alessandra  ambrosio  bc  hello !  )  &  little  sofie  lived  a  happy  early  childhood  life  in  her  grandparents’  home  in  recife.

         brazil  isn’t  the  safest  of  countries  &  marcia  didn’t  want  the  same  dangers  she  experienced  growing  up  for  her  young  daughter  ,  so  around  sofie’s  eighth  birthday  ,  her  &  her  mother  packed  up  and  went  on  a  ‘ trip  ’  to  new  york  city  .  joke’s  on  sofie  ,  though  -  it  wasn’t  actually  a  trip  ,  but  rly  they  were  trying  to  move  there  to  find  sofie’s  father  to  confirm  his  paternity  and  get  sofie  american  citizenship  .  it  was  proving  more  difficult  than  she  thought  ,  &  marcia  was  quickly  running  out  of  money  .  with  a  face  like  hers  ,  though  ,  making  money  wasn’t  too  difficult  ,  but  it  was  time  consuming  .  marcia  found  herself  escorting  older  men  in  order  to  pay  the  bills  ,  all  the  while  leaving  little  sofie  to  fend  for  herself  .  some  of  her  earliest  memories  are  of  strange  men  in  their  tiny  apartment  &  sofie  trying  to  block  out  their  conversations  with  her  lil  cassette  player  hiding  in  the  corner  of  her  room  .  eventually  ,  marcia  was  able  to  contact  the  father  &  they  set  up  a  meeting  .  sofie  had  gotten  her  hopes  up  that  she  would  finally  have  a  dad  (  she  got  dressed  up  in  her  sunday  best  &  everything  bc  reuniting  her  dad  was  a  BIG  deal  ) ,  but  the  meeting  ended  up  being  a  quick  exchange  of  words  ,  a  mouth  swab  and  a  couple  signatures  .  sofie  never  even  learned  his  name  ,  & this  queued  up  a  lifetime  of  daddy  issues  &  distrust  of  men  !!

        while  marcia  was  able  to  stay  in  america  much  longer  than  she  was  legally  supposed  to  ,  eventually  she  was  facing  deportation  ,  which  meant  lil  sofie  ,  with  her  citizenship  finally  confirmed  ,  was  put  into  the  hands  of  her  father  who  sent  off  to  an  american  boarding  school  in  new  york  without  even  contacting  her  .  she  would  spend  the  summers  in  brazil  with  her  mother  or  ,  as  she  got  older  ,  couch - surfing  with  different  friends  throughout  the  months  .  she  started  growing  apart  from  her  mother  as  she  aged  since  she  wasn’t  going  home  every  summer  since  she  didn’t  rly  feel  any  connection  to  brazil  .  her  grandfather  had  passed  away  &  she  only  has  faint  memories  grandmother  ,  plus  the  city  wasn’t  at  all  familiar  to  her  &  she  wasn’t  practicing  her  portuguese  after  her  mother  returned  to  brazil  .

         through  it  all  ,  music  was  proving  to  be  the  one  constant  in  her  life  she  could  use  to  escape  from  reality  .  she  had  never  done  any  training  or  classes  ,  but  she  just  liked  singing  along  to  whatever  was  on  the  radio  & practicing  on  her  own  .  she  also  found  a  passion  for  writing  poetry  which  she  later  would  realize  was  compatible  with  music  .  she  would  spend  HOURS  in  the  school  library  working  on  garage  band  lmfao  bc  she  couldn’t  afford  her  own  laptop  to  produce  music  &  her  dad  sent  just  enough  money  as  he  was  legally  supposed  to  .  but  she  worked  her  lil  tushy  off  &  applied  to  a  music  academy  in  nyc  &  was  rejected  the  first  year  (  DEVASTATING  when  mixed  with  her  impostor  syndrome  &  daddy  issues ) but  she  practiced  more  &  more  &  edned  up  getting  accepted  the  next  year  .  here  ,  she  worked  on  her  vocal  skills  &  music  production  ,  &  started  accumulating  her  own  music  &  selling  songs  to  music  producers  on  the  side  for  some  ca$h  money  .  

          by  the  time  she  was  16  the  state  decided  she  was  old  /  mature  enough  to  live  on  her  own  so  she  got  a  TINY  lil  studio  apartment  in  harlem  where  she’d  grown  up  with  her  mum  &  she  had  friends  who  she’d  grown  up  with  .  while  it  wasn’t  the  safest  neighbourhood  statistically  sofie  felt  safe  &  just  like  one  of  the  neighbourhood  kids  .  it  was  the  first  time  she  genuinely  felt  like  she  belonged .

        she  was  accepted  on  full  scholarship  to  nyu  & majored  in  music  composition  &  vocal  performance  where  she  started  finally  feeling  secure  in  herself  &  released  her  own  music  on  soundcloud  ,  quickly  amassing  a  following  &  becoming  an  ‘ up  &  coming ‘  artist  !!  she  was  contacted  by  a  scooter  braun  type  guy  who  was  interested  in  taking  her  on  under  his  management  so  she  dropped  out  of  uni  in  her  2nd  year  (  bc  tbh  her  grades  in  anything  other  than  her  music  classes  were  v  subpar  )  .  soon  enough  producers  wanted  to  work  with  her  &  she  was  making  enough  that  she  didn’t  have  to  sell  her  songs  which  she  hated  doing  but  had  to  pay  the  bills  u  know  .  oh  &  her  vc  is  billie  eilish  bc  ofc  shes  my  queen  go  stream  when  we  all  fall  asleep  where  do  we  go  on  spotify  u  won’t  be  disappointed  

        she  also  started  getting  into  the  partying  scene  here  yikes  !! it  was  a  method  for  her  to  numb  all  her  pain  from  her  past  &  impostor  syndrome  &  drown  all  that  out  in  pills  or  tequila  .  it  rly  wasn’t  healthy  bc  of  how  she  would  binge  for  a  weekend  then  try  to  stay  sober  throughout  the  week  but  failing  by  about  wednesday when  she  started  to  feel  hollow  .  she  wasn’t  gonna  be  a  one  hit  wonder  &  her  mom  sure   as  hell  didn’t  go  through  all  that  trouble  just  for  sofie  to  be  a  nobody  addict  !! so  she  kept  it  together  enough  to  start  making big  bucks  & well  …….  here  she  is  :~)

personality

        sofie  blames  it  on  her  brazilian  heritage  but  this  bitch  loves  a  party  !!  like  shes  the  one  who  gets  happy drunk  at  the  pre  then  is  the  first  on  the  dance  floor  then  later  falls  out  of  the  club  &  into  some  rando’s  bed !!  in  the  back  of  her  mind  she  knows  her  drug  &  alcohol  use  is  self - destructive  but  she  figures  shes  allowed  to  let  loose  sometimes (  even  if  that  ends  up  being  most  nights  )  ;  rly  she’s  just  in  denial  bc  she  doesn’t  want  to  change  her  ways  &  lose  her  identity  !!

        doesn’t  put  labels  on  her  gender  identity  or  sexual orientation  .  she  finds  them  restrictive  &  useless  for  herself  ,  labels  would  only  be  to  satisfy  others  .  she  doesn’t  see  herself  as  110%  female  either  like  she’s  all about  gender  being  a  social  construct  /  a  spectrum  ;  some  days  she’ll  get  dolled  up  &  wear  heavy  makeup  &  six  inch  heels  ,  some  days  she’ll  walk  around  in  a  bun  &  tracksuit  &  trainers  .  anyone  who  asks  abt  it  will  swiftly  get  2  middle  fingers  in  their  face  !! shes  uncontrollable  i  swear

         puts  up  a  tough  bad - ass  front  like  billie  does aksjdh  like  nah  nothing  can  hurt  me  im  bulletproof  !!  but  is  rly  just  kinda  broken  underneath  .  she  doesn’t  even  let  her  closest  friends  know  how  hurting  she  is  bc  she  doesn’t  wanna  burden  them  .  she  rly  uses  mmusic  as  an  outlet  tho  so  she’ll  act  totally  tough  then   go  to  the  studio  &  record  all  about  her  heartache  .  will  NEVER  let  someone  see  her  cry  no  matter  how  close  she  is  with  them  .  she  rly  sees  it  as  a  sign  of  weakness  &  shes  in  a  much  better  place  than  she  was  5  years  ago  so  she  figures  she’s  not  ALLOWED  to  feel  anything  but  grateful  .  

         this  bitch  overthinks  everything  !! half  the  time  she  isn’t  rly  listenning  to  whoever  bc  she’s  thinking  about  what  they  just  said  &  if  they’re  mad  with  her  .  she’s  that  friend  who  will  ask  u  to  come  over  to  formulate  the  perfect  text  response  &   fuss  over  it  for  hours  .  that  being  said  ,  if  someone  talks  shit  abt  anyone  shes  tight  with  ,  they’re  gonna  get  it  the  next  time   she  sees  them  .  she  isn’t  about  violence  &  would  never  get  into  a  physical  fight  ,  but  she’d  work  behind  the  scenes  to  ruin  their  life  .  but  then  she  pretends  like  she  rly  doesn’t  care  though  its  obvious  to  those  close  to  her  that  she  cares  way  too  much

has  a  very  hard  time  expressing  love  bc  she  didn’t  have  much  practice  w  it  growing  up  .  she  was  on  her  own  most  of  her  young  life  so  even  if  her  mom  would  tell  her   te  amo  she  would  be  like  uh  huh  gtg  bye !!  

tldr ;  poor  bitch  w  abandonment  issues  who  was  able  to  get  out  of  it  by  channeling  her  energy  into  music  &  numbing  the  stress  with  pills  or  alcohol  which  she  def  still overuses  but  she  doesn’t  think its  a  problem  !! yikeroony  !!  loves  partying  & having  a  good  time  ,  puts  up  a  tough  front  but  is  rly  soft  underneath  .

wanted (* = mw)

friends  from  high  school  !! -  people  sof  stayed  with  in  the  summer  bc  she  wasn’t  going  home  to  brazil  .  

friends  from  music  school  !!  -  she  def  felt  like  an  outsider  among  the  music  prodigies  at  this  school  ,  &  maybe  this  person  was  one  of  the  ppl  she  actually  connected  with  . 

come  out  &  play  !!  this  person  acts  as  a  good  influence  to  sofie  .  they’re  level - headed  &  very  grounding  ,  &  sofie  doesn’t  let  it  show  but  they’re  really  important  to  her  .  this  is  the  Softest  billie  song  (  prob  bc  it  was  for  an  ad skdj )  &  they  inspired  it  bc  it’s  how  she  feels  when  shes with  them  .  they  encourage  her  to  be  all  that  she  can  be  &  they  believe  in  her  ,  &  they’re  prob  the  one  person  sofie  trusts  the  most  which  is  SAYING  something  !!

*exes  on  bad  terms  !!  -   ok  this  would  basically  be  based  on  all  the  songs  billie  has  about  a  failed  relationship  /  heartbreak  !! shes  got  a  bunch  .  im  thnking  maybe  she  was  actually  rly  into  them  but  had  a  hard  time  expressing  it  bc  she’s never  been  good  with  emotional  expression  ,  &  it  led  to  the  relationship  feeling ?? unfaithful  /  disconnected  ??  idk  but  she  rly  loved  them  &  is  still  nursing  that  heartbreak  .  (  x  ,  x  ,  x  )

the  paris  to  her  nicole  !!  -  ok  i  f*cking  hate  that  i  said  this  but  she’s  nicole  richie  its  true  !! she  needs  a  messy  gal  pal  exactly  like  how  paris  &  nicole  are  i  stan  them  (  x  ,  x  ,  x  )

roommate  !!  -  bc  of  her  abandonment  issues  she  rly  doesn’t  like  living  alone  so  prob  is  the  roomie  who  will  sleep  in  their  bed  from  time  to  time  bc  she  doesn’t  like  being  totally  alone  .  

*when  the  party’s  over  !!  - these  two have  been  hooking  up  for  a  while  no  strings  attached  but  recently  feelings  have  been  caught  !! &  now  they  still  hook  up  quite  often  but  sofie’s  kinda  harboring  feelings &  pretending  all  is  well  but  she  rly  hopes  they’ll  just  stay  the  night  from  time  to  time  ,  &  gets  secretly  heartbroken  when  she  sees  them  flirting  or  leaving  with  someone  else  . they  can  also  have  feelings  if  u  want  that  angst :~)

fwb  !!  -  sofie  is  pretty  transparent  when  it  comes  to  what  she  wants  &  she’s  got  a  bad  habit  of  replacing  dealing  with  problems  with  getting  laid  !! like  u  know  in  movies  when  the  man  opens  his  wallet  and  a  row  of  like  20  pictures  of  different  women  fall  out  ??  that’s  sof’s  aesthetic  .  she’s  got  a  bunch  of  fwb  of  all  genders  so  bring  me  some  pls

***mutual  dislike  /  copycat  !!  self - explanatory  ,  sofie  thinks  this  person  is  copying  her  in  everything  she  does  &  thinks  its  annoying  af  so  she  wrote  a  song  abt  it  &  hopes  they  indirectly  get  the  message  even  if  she  drops  not  so  subtle  hints  .  skfldjh  itd  be  messy  pls !!

party  buddies  !!  -  someone  who  encourages  sofies  wild  ways  .  when  the  two  get  together  its  usually  to  get  drunk  or  high  &  thats  the  way  they  like  it  .  sofie  doesn’t  feel  judged  by  them  as  she  does  by  others  who  don’t  get  obliterated  at  every  social  event  (  what  an  idea  !!  )  so  she  rly  values  them  ,  even  if  she  doesn’t  express  it

 ** 8 !! - someone  who  kinda  reluctantly  got  into  a  relationship  with  sofie  out  of  maybe  a  desire  to  save  her  from  herself  ??  like  u  know  that  good  girl  bad  boy  trope  where  the  girl  tries  to  save  the  boy  from  whatever  he’s  struggling  with  ?  that’s  them  but  the  roles  are  just  reversed  -  good  guy  ,  bad  girl  .  it  was  kinda  just  filled  w  her  being  self - destructive  &  confiding  in  him  but  not  rly  reciprocating  the  care  so  he  became  kinda  distant  bc  of  it  .  tbh  she  prob  knew  he  was  too  good  for  her  but  had  a sliver  of  hope  he  wouldn’t  leave  her  even  tho  eventually  she  became  too  much  for  him  .  (  lyrics : you said, "don't treat me badly", but you said it so sadly, so I did the best I could, not thinkin' you would have left me gladly. i know you're not sorry, why should you be? 'cause who am I to be in love, when your love never is for me?” )

good influence  !! this  person  can  tell  that  her  beahvior  is  unhealthy  &  are  trying  to  gently  nudge  her  abt  it  .  she  can  tell  what  they’re  doing  but  her  addict  brain  is  telling  her  its  invasive  &  threatening  so  shes  not  the  fondest  of  this  person  ,  but  deep  down  she  really  appreciates  them

music buddies !! these  two  are  both  in  the  music  industry  &  rather  than  it  being  competitive  ,  they’ve  developed  a  friendship  from  it  & enjoy  working  together  .  

* someone  sofie  ghostwrites  for  !! for  whatever  reason  ,  this  muse  doesn’t  write  their  own  songs  & instead  pays  sofie  to  write  them  for  them  .  she  doesn’t  love  it  but  its  a  way  to  make  money  &  give  away  songs  she  doesn’t  feel  attached  to  but  are  worth  something  .  maybe  its  tense  bc  they  claim  the  songs  as  their  own  &  sofie  doesn’t  like  it  ,  this  could  be  ~escandolo~  later  !!

*** my boy ( high school bf ) !! - ok  tea  this  song  is  the  one  that  broke  her  into  the  industry  .  she  produced  it  all  herself  &  just  relased  it  to  her  soundcloud  thinking  it  wouldn’t  rly  go  anyway  but  !!  joke’s  on  yung sofie  .  essentially  he  thought  the  relationship  was  going  well  ,  she’d  met  his  family  &  they  rly  liked  her  but  !! sof  was  feeling  kinda  smothered  &  told  herself  he  was  lying &  cheating  on  her  n  shit  so  she  wrote  a  song  about  it  !! &  once  it  was  starting  to  get  attention  he  was  like  ….. uhhh  what  the  fuck  & she  was  like  haha  sorry  !! so  they  broke  up  &  ever  since  its  been  animosity ,  but  she  realizes  she  fucked  up  but  it  launched  her  career  so  she  doesn’t  know  whether  to  keep  up  the  idgaf  i  hurt  you  or  apologize  .  

* ex - friends  !!  ok  pls  i  have  this  hc  where  sofie  got  way  too  high  one  night  &  slept  with  this  person’s  dad  or  sibling  or  smth !!  u  know  that  line  in  ‘ bad guy ’  where  she  goes  ‘ might  seduce  your  dad  type  ? ’  ya  that’s  got  sofie  written  ALL  over  it  !!   &  now  they’re  not  friends  bc  sofie  can’t  keep  it  in  her  pants  but  both  sides  kinda  misses  the  other  but  are  too  stubborn  to  say  anything  :~(

exes from college / high school  !!  - ok honestly i just love all the exes plots . gimme someone who like maybe they were hooking up & decided to give it a shot dating & it worked for a while but ultimately fell apart bc of sof’s inability to open up. maybe theres still tension or maybe theyre friends now !!

* lovely  !!  -  i  need  a  male  voice  for  khalid’s  part  in  lovely  bc  i  need  this  song  in  my  life  bc  its  a  whole  ass   sofie  mood  ok  .  

i’ve  also  got  a  wanted  connections  tag  linked  HERE  dksfj there's  not  much  in  it  yet  but  feel  free  to  check  it  out  .  ok  i  love  y'all  

#glitterati.intro #excited to be here :~)

[emmelinevxnce]

"It gives me strength to have somebody to fight for;                    I can never fight for myself, but, for others, I can kill."

⤷ ( jinx. pst. twenty-three. she/her. incest, eating disorders, self harm. ) wands at the ready, EMMELINE VANCE has joined the fight! the TWENTY FIVE year old works as a AUROR, but spends HER/THEIR time fighting for THE ORDER. EMMELINE is known to be RESILIENT & HARDWORKING, as well as OVERTHINKING & JUDGEMENTAL. ( fc: jessica henwick )

i’m jinx, i’ve been playing emmeline for over four years now i think? & i love her! this is long, beware, but i’m excited to be here !!

⟶ pinterest • biography ( to give a quick overview )

under the cut: abandoment mention, death mention, suicide mention, abuse mention

CHARACTER INSPIRATIONS: : Nikita Mears ( Nikita ), Misty Knight ( Luke Cage ), April Ludgate ( Parks and Rec ),Peyton Charles ( iZombie ), Prue Halliwell ( Charmed ), Jessica Jones ( Jessica Jones ), Sun Bak ( Sense8 )

under the cut: abandoment mention, death mention, suicide mention, abuse mention

Emmeline definitely comes off as a bit of an asshole/hardass, she was a prefect in school and she was gald to be so because she knew she held a position of power without abusing it to hurt people and she knows in times like these, that’s important. She wouldn’t say she’s a good person, mostly due to self esteem issues, but she wouldn’t say she’s a bad person either. When it comes to herself, she has a ton of insecurities, learned not to let them keep her from speaking up through years of building herself up. Not to let them fuck her up because in the end she is the only one she’s got.  People leave, and it hurts, but always expecting the worst, preparing for it, is better than being blindsided by it. Emmeline learned that the hard way when her mother, who she took care of for years even through the abuse, left Emmeline the minute she could. If her own mother left her, what would stop anyone else from it? In school, the first few years it was hard, she was constantly forcing herself to speak up but didn’t do so effectively until she got those positions of powers. One thing Emmeline ALWAYS did was stand up for other people. For herself? Not so much. Something she still struggles with now but in a less insidious way.

Speaking of her mother, halfway through her sixth year her mother left, leaving her to handle all the affairs, bills, etc. Definitely went through a stage after her mother left in her sixth year where she was lashing out at everyone around her verbally and probably didn’t apologize for it but showed she was apologetic in her actions, how she talked, and is really bad at apologizing for her own shitty behavior. Due to being a Scorpio & her upbringing, she’s bad at apologizing when she ACTUALLY does something wrong due to the shame she feels, thinking she’s acting just like her mother. She justifies it a lot, but also beats herself up about it. Emme really has grown a lot as a person since then and will continue to do so. Still, will OCCASIONALLY drink, if ever but has never smoked or done drugs in her life. She really hates being out of control in any sense, especially because of how her mother was drunk, and when she does go to events, gets really gets sort of appalled by people getting plastered and associates it with her mother. Emmeline is judgemental, but she’s able to challenge those judgements with logic, still, she’s quick to judge.

She’s so grateful for the few friends she has, especially the ones that keep her in line and challenge her. The ones who show her kindness when she needs it and she doesn’t even know she needs it. If you have Emmeline as a friend, you have Emmeline as a friend for LIFE. She’s loyal to the core, she will fight by your side ( something she’s excellent at doing with a wand ), she will die for them and show a softer, sillier side. It’s still extremely hard for her to open up and most of them didn’t know about her home life in school ( most still don’t to this day, as she hates sharing it ), though for the first six years of Emmeline coming to school, there were definitely bruises, scars, and things that could tip them off that something wasn’t quite alright. But she never ever wanted to talk about it because the pity she got after her father ended his life made things harder tenfold. She doesn’t want to be pitied, seen as weak or anything of the sort, especially by people who’s opinion she actually cares about.

Showed kindness to younger students and played wizarding chess with them, especially the ones bullied. The ones she notice may have bad home lives and no one to be there for them. Angry, is just one word to describe how she feels about the fact that Dumbledore probably knows about a majority of the hurt / bullying that goes on in and out of Hogwarts and doesn’t seem to do a damn thing about it – so she figures taking matters into her own hands by at least doing something is worth a try.  It would be awesome if she had a chess partner or someone she played chess with though that was her own age. Her father played chess with her growing up, and it’sA HUGE PART of the reason why she makes an excellent strategist for the Order and why she’s an excellent dueler now.

Emmeline blossomed her seventh year being Captain of the Dueling Club. For the first few years of Emmeline’s life at Hogwarts, she was very shy, very to herself, due to the trauma of losing her father, but when she discovered her gift with dueling it helped bring out a side of Emmeline that she didn’t even know she had. To say she’s gifted would be an understatement in this area, and it’s not just natural talent, it’s hardwork, it’s dedication, it’s the fact that she feels powerful and like she can take on all of her demons when she’s wielding a wand. It’s that with having such an ability, she saw a way out of her horrible home life & a future. Something a girl who’s used to just surviving never thought she’d be able to have, It was that, combined with the fact the world was so horrible that Emmeline realized she wanted to be an Auror when she heard of the profession. She’s willing to die to make the world a better place, a part of her wants to hunt down every dark wizard that’s made this magical world WORSE and Albus Dumbledore has already approached her about joining the Order after graduation.

IF I had to pick a label for her, it would be The Dark Knight. THE DARK KNIGHT label fits Emmeline Vance because whatever it takes to make the world a better place. Each of the character influences above have bent, broken, or disregarded the law entirely to help their friends or the people in need move forward and succeed. To get what they deserve. The LAW has never helped Emmeline, it has never been on her side, it has never saved her from the hurt she’s experienced when it should’ve – so she doesn’t believe in it. Even with her being an Auror, Emmeline hopes to be able to take advantage of that power to do more than what the law dictates.  Working within the SHADOWS comes naturally to Emmeline having to be a shadow in her own home for several years, learning the benefit of quiet survival. Of quiet rebellion & quiet living. She likes to work behind the scenes to do what she needs to in this war because that’s going to be a way she survives it. It’s the way the people she cares about & those who deserve it might as well. She doesn’t like any of the attention she may get just for doing the right thing because, in her mind, doing the RIGHT THING shouldn’t be praised – it should be the standard.

This isn’t to say that Emmeline is a paragon of righteousness – maybe of her own brand of it, yes, but she doesn’t always do the right thing. Sometimes, Emmeline can do the very wrong thing thinking it is the right thing – much like many of the characters above. There’s a guilt that comes with it, one she suppresses because it’s not helpful, though it comes POURING out into the same fuel that caused her to fuck up in the first place.  There is a cost of working in the shadows, of being so self sacrificing but she’s willing to pay it if means the world is better, lighter, happier, more equal. Her life, in the grand scheme of things, means nothing compared to the good she can make by sacrificing everything for it. Even her life.  Emmeline is a fighter, a survivor, and everyone’s survival looks a little bit like death sometimes. She is not afraid to embrace the dark, to become the dark, if it means the world gains a little light.

random factz:

emmeline CAN EAT. she loves food and eats as much of it she can. her favorite food is strawberry cheesecake.

does a really good impression of mcgonagall!!!

emmeline’s sexuality is confusing, she’s probably pan/bi but all she knows is she’s not straight and is sometimes interested in sex. regarding their gender, emme has never connected to either gender, of course because it’s the 70′s, she doesn’t know of a term for what that is. frankly, she has better things to think about than something like that but the idea of talking about it is strange to her, weird. self conscious, especially. since she’s a survivor at heart, she’s learned to compartmentalize these feelings & thoughts, and will just push it away for another time when she can actually have time to think about it. to unpack it. 

emmeline speaks french and english!! she’s not connected to being part chinese at all as she really didn’t get really any education from her family about it and tbh lived in a very white area and sort of assimilated to it. she has small memories, does go to/has gone to chinese new year events and has TRIED, but feels disconnected in everything besides the food. regarding this though, her dad’s from a v important pureblood family in china, he anglonized & changed his last name for Dorcas’ and his families protection ( there was a HELLA lot going on ) & so they could start fresh somewhere.

is still learning how to be a proper human and not just survive. NEEDS HELP!! lord knows she’s got an interesting fashion sense so she tries to stick to basic colors and neutrals and some NICE BLUES.

her favorite color is tardis blue and she LOVES doctor. she does have a scarf like tom baker’s.

that’s it thank you for reading1!!! if youd like to plot, like this ill come bother you!!

wanted connections: 

give me her auror partner! or some auror partners! mentors in the auror department!

people emmeline mentor/do rounds with while in the order! 

ex flings maybe??

ex something?? emmeline is difficult but i could see her being in love/having feelings for someone given the right circumstances etc. i doubt they’d be a thing now but angst! it could be angst! emmeline probs could’ve fucked it up/broken ur characters hearrt!!

ministry shit!! emmeline working with other ppl!!

friends from school!!! give me some friends!!!

rivals!! emmeline loved dueling and tbh she’d need a hella good person to rival her tbh? 

IDK MAN 

#renegade.intro #intro. #we love (1) recycled intro!

[hopethedork]

Hey remember me? The one who asks you to do all of the asks in an ask me? Can you do thay for emoji asks?😂

How could I forget you?! 💛💛 And oh my gosh, there were so many so sorry it took awhile- but I did it!

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

 I don’t think I have a secret I haven’t told anyone? I have webbed toes though so I guess that’s pretty weird lol 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

My dog ;-; 

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

Charmander and Aerodactyl! Charmander is a cutie and Aerodactyl is just super cool, I also really like Eevees.

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

I think I was eating yogurt? with strawberries?? I have no explanation  

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

We go months without seeing or talking to each other (long distance) but once we’re together nothing at all has changed~

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

nahhhh

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

I… am good with dogs? I like that I can set my mind to something and that I enjoy making things as well.

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

regretting the choices I make= overthinking  E V E R Y T H I N G

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

mint chip ice cream

💙 what annoys you about some people?

the inability to empathize with others

😤 do you get angry easily?

under the right circumstances

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

stories I want to write! 

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change? 

I honestly wouldn’t know where to start ._. 

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

I really love Tokyo. My favorite thing about it is that there are still large trees and shrines everywhere despite the fact it’s one of the world’s major cities. NYC is a close runner up though- I think I mostly enjoy places where you can still see some of the history through the city itself.

☕️ talk about your ideal day

I’d like to eat breakfast and go on a walk with my doggo, then I’d work/run any errands, then spend time with people I care about ^,^

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

oh boy I’m definitely ambiverted

💧 when was the last time you cried?

like an hour ago rip .-. 

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

1. “Even For You” from Infinity War, oh man…

2. “Beautiful World” from Evangelion 2.0

3. “Breaking of the Fellowship” from FOTR

4. “He Mele No Lilo” from Lilo and Stitch

5. “Alive” by Phil Lober

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

I’d either want to be a shapeshifter because that’s amazing or be something like the Avatar and control air and fire C:

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

keep movin’ forward

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

I’m not sure that jealousy is the right word… but I had a lot of trouble recently with people who went to the same school that I did and could without having to work or take out any loans to do so. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it was really frustrating for me because I wasn’t able to focus on school alone as they could.

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

Each I feel has a major flaw- but I’d choose intelligence because with it you can achieve the others.

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

I mean… a lot 🙃

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

I only know English which is SO frustrating to me ToT I’ve tried now to learn both Spanish and Japanese, but I have a loooooot of trouble and didn’t even pass my last language class ;^;

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

I’m actually shocked that I’ve never put any real thought into this before??? I’m torn between A BUNCH tbh but if I really had to pick I love Peter Quill in MCU.

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today? 

I SHALL SMILE AT STRANGERS IN A NON-CREEPY FASHION

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

DRAGONNN

dragons are cool

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

AHA no 

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

WHERE AM I GONNA LIVE

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

I wanted to be a dog 😂 

I still wouldn’t mind being a dog

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

ALL OF THEM

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

I don’t really think… anything?

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

I usually go into this weird survival mode where I won’t stop until everything I need to do is done. On rarer occasions I’ll do nothing at all and stress myself out more 😂 

I wouldn’t recommend either

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

I don’t usually seek it out, but I definitely have a blast once I’m in that kind of a situation!

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

I hate avocados

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

I try to be

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

Aside from cosplay I also love drawing, writing, and hiking/exploring. I also used to be superrr active and played volleyball and water polo and did rock bouldering until I got injured and couldn’t anymore.

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

“The Calendar” by P!atd

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

I get very very anxious, and most of the time it’s for no reason 

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

usually eyes!

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

I think I’m just trying to figure out what they are still 😅

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why? 

A majority of the Marvel/Avengers cast. I admire a lot of them for different charity work that they do and I think it’s amazing whenever they visit children’s hospitals costumed and in character. It really hits home aha. 

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

yes lol

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

Lord of the Rings (Tolkien)- “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” & “There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.”

Fahrenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury)- “Stuff your eyes with wonder. Live as if you’d drop dead in ten seconds. See the world, it’s more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.”

My third book is “Petey” by Ben Mikaelson but I can’t remember any quotes because it’s been years since I’ve read it ToT 

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

I try to relax or reach out to friends to spend time with, it usually helps just depending on the situation~

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

It’s weird, but a special I watched on Animal Planet yearssss ago said that if sharks don’t keep swimming that they can’t breathe and will actually drown .-. So I tell myself to move forward and keep doing things because that’s the way to get through tough spots!

🌍 which country do you live in?

le U.S.

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

 Tall, Weird, & Clumsy

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“It is what you do with failure that ultimately determines your future” 

💭 do you keep a diary?

not a diary in the traditional sense, but I try to write sometimes to keep track of my thoughts.

💫 who inspires you?

Stephen Hawking, Tolkien, Dwayne Johnson 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

Weird experiences definitely lead you to believe in something of the sort!

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

shorts in winter and pants in summer AKA bad choices

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

Big Fish, Fellowship of the Ring, The Winter Soldier

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

My mom and sister took me to a really cool coffee shop for like my 11th birthday, it was one of those nice occasions where a bad day becomes good ^,^

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

J.R.R. Tolkien for very, very obvious reasons~

#hopethedork #ask #anonymous

[marias-studyblr]

Hey, i'm not sure why i'm telling you this but im really upset and just need to vent. Today my history teacher pinpointed me infront of the whole class (twice) and, long story short, was very persistent with receiving an answer of some sort which i had no idea about. Everybody was staring at me, some were laughing, i felt my face burning honestly all i wanted to do was to run out of the class. As someone with social anxiety i avoid any form of class speaking anyway, but now i cant stop [1]

[2] replaying the events from earlier today and i just feel shit about myself. Im embarrassed that everyone else probably thinks i lack a lot of intelligence and basic knowledge. It’s hard to think when im asked a specific question infront of everyone,it makes me so nervous and my mind goes blank. To everyone this may seem like i’m overreacting but honestly im so upset and im not sure if its normal to feel this way. I dont know how to get over this feeling it’s horrible. I’m so done with school tbh

Hey! You deserve this rant, please whenever you need, I’m here for you!

So it might not seem like it because I’m pretty open in here, but I do exactly what you described. I was seeing myself in your words.

It used to be way worse in the last years of middle school, and in the first years of high school, it got to the point I didn’t really think for myself and all my interactions were based on what the other person wanted to hear or what I thought they would think of me.

Of course it always backfired, because it’s impossible to please everyone at all times, which left me even more unhappy about myself and lead me to more and more mental and physical problems (nothing too serious!). 

I would constantly overthink about particular situations where I was put on the spot at school and cringed over and over again.

It lead to tricky situations, a rough couple of years while I transitioned through that. A lot of hiding in bathroom stalls. And cringy stuff that only I remember by now.

I took way too seriously what other people talked about me, which gave them power. And those people understood it somehow and used it in the wrong way, which made me feel even worse.

I don’t know why. I have a couple of suspicions from my childhood but nothing that completely justifies why I didn’t know how to stand up for myself like most people did.

Looking back I can see how I was innocent and didn’t really understand how everyone, everyone, the students, the teachers, they also had problems and insecurities in their lives. I thought everyone was always better than me when actually we were all the same even with our differences and I had nothing to worry about.

I’m much better now. I’ve learned how to recognize my self-worth, hold myself as an individual. I’m not afraid to look people in the eye, and most importantly live my life for me and not for others.

But I’m not completely secure though. Just the other day I was thinking about this, trying to figure it out. Nowadays, I think my problems come from the huge respect I have for other people. I do this crazy thing: whenever I’m held responsible to someone I get super committed to doing it in the most perfect way possible because I don’t want to disappoint that person, even if it’s a total stranger. And whenever I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I feel so bad because I just wanted to do it nicely for them. And I know that’s not a bad thing to do, but it comes to such extremes with me, because I overthink it so much.

For example, last friday I realized I forgot to send an email to the librarian to renew my book before 7pm, and I remembered at 10pm. I sent the email but through the night and the whole weekend I felt horrible about it.

It’s not like the social anxiety that I had before, but it’s still some kind of awkwardness that I don’t want to depend on.

So after this detour, let me get to the point. xD

I think we can both agree that we have to be able to stand up for ourselves and to appear stable even in the most embarrassing of situations, both for self-respect, because you don’t owe anything to anyone, you are allowed to make mistakes and be treated fairly, but also because it’s a good thing to have for your future life, you’ll always need to speak under pressure and you need to stop putting yourself through this anxiety everytime you are.

I also understand this is not something you can simply stop doing because it’s irrational. As soon as the moment starts, you get dragged into it and without noticing it your face looks like a tomato emoji.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t slowly start making a change in your behavior, including practicing the way you present yourself, your posture, the way you talk, controlling nervous tics, answering while making eye contact with teachers and other people without stuttering.

Body language may seem non-important to you at first glance but it’s ALL that matters in social interactions, and this is what helped me overcome that feeling of pure cringe and embarrassment. I just kept practicing and I still do now. I encourage you to start paying attention to how confident people sit and how you sit, how they talk and how you talk. Truly start studying these things, and this is how I improved, it has made my life so much happier, and the biggest difference in my life quality. Truly.

Now, by NO means I’m saying this is going to solve everything overnight. I’ve improved my anxiety progressively and cringe situations still happen to me, but I find them less damaging over time. To finish up, I’m going to tell you an example of a situation of me practicing:

I’m in class, minding my own business. I pay attention to my posture. I sit with my back straight, hands relaxed, body still. I’m not covering my face or bending down. I pay attention to the class. The teacher asks me a question, I can feel my heart rate immediately going up. I focus first on my breathing (inhale and exhale profoundly) and maintaining my posture and quickly go through those physical checks. Even if I’m blushing, I keep eye contact with the teacher and my voice strong all the way through.

This is harder than it seems if you have social anxiety, but this practice really helped me and got me through so much. I still have a lot to overcome but I’ve gotten so many victories already and I want you to have the same, I know you can.

Here are 2 phenomenal Ted Talks that really helped me learn what I just told you about and I encourage you to watch them from beginning to end:

The surprising secret to speaking with confidence - Caroline Goyder

Your body language may shape who you are - Amy Cuddy

So I know this is already pretty long but I still have some stuff that might help you so I want to give it a try.

Confidence comes from within, so self-reflection is always needed. In order to not go too deep on that right now, because that’s a whole other question in itself, I’m going to give you the one piece of practical advice I always give which is recommending Yoga with Adriene, either doing her yoga videos or her meditation ones, or her challenges. Just to keep that positivity flowing in your veins is so important. And if you don’t have a source in your life, I feel like Adriene could be it.

Goals are really important in being confident too, so keeping a bullet journal, or a journal, a vision board, where you write your feelings, your interests, your dreams, might get you through the bad days and give you confidence when you need it the most. I feel like some days thinking about how grateful I am for my family, my home, myself, etc. really gets me through tough feelings I might be experiencing. 

Always share out loud what you are experiencing with your loved ones, with people you trust. Whenever I have feelings bottling up I force myself to spill them to my loved ones because I know no matter how much it embarrasses me to admit them, it always makes me feel better after they comfort me and make me see something differently, and suddenly the incident sounds a little more beatable.

Last thing I want to touch, and I promise, I promise this is the last thing, is those people in your class making you feel inferior. Don’t you shed a tear for them and I mean it. You are the classy one. You are the strong one. You get to keep your head high and be kind to yourself. If someone isn’t compassionate to you, you don’t owe them anything and you have the right to shut them out of your life. You don’t need to keep thinking about them or talk about them. You just don’t do them. You don’t pay attention to what they’re saying about you… they don’t know you. They. Don’t. Know. You. They don’t matter. That doesn’t mean you get to be rude to them, it just means they’re irrelevant. So. With that being said, I hope you understand you are a beam of light, a fucking rock star and you can get through this, you can overcome this school year, and the next one and the next one.

Find the people in your life who matter, who make you feel good. That’s all that matters. Here’s something interesting I read: “Feel bad for people who have the energy to bring others down. Don’t hate them back, feel for them. They are clearly in pain if that’s where they want to spend their energy.” Like I said they’re irrelevant, but you don’t have to be mean back, don’t get inside their game. Be the classy one and always, always, always focus on yourself, live your life.

I honestly want to keep talking for hours. I hope this was enough for you to kick-start a new way of seeing yourself and starting to become happy with who you are. There are so many obstacles in life but positivity is possible, you just have to keep looking for the things in your life that matter, that make you feel good and don’t give up.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you. ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!

#answered #life advice #self confidence #positivity

[officiallaxgirl]

Things I Wish I Knew Before I Played College Lacrosse

Let me preface this by saying getting to play in college is an honor, and something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. No matter your division or alignment, you’ve accomplished something that soooo many people dream about. 

Something that people don’t stress enough about playing in college is the mental stress. Playing a college sport can be draining, both mentally and physically, and even emotionally. You’ve invested years of your life into your sport, and you’re attached. It’s tough to detach yourself from something you truly care about. I realize there are so many things I wish someone had told me before I got to college and started playing, and I hope some of what I learned helps you too! Disclaimer: I was by no means nor am I the greatest player ever, also most of these things you’ll learn with time but why not get a head start. Let’s get to ittttt.

1. Have Your Skills Together

    Stick skills are a HUGE part of lacrosse. If you’re looking to get playing time and stand out, make sure you can catch with both hands and catch very well on the run and under pressure. Even if you think your stick skills are perfect, keep that stick in your hand because especially at the higher level, you gotta be ready to go. If you’re looking to play a specific position, know the ins and outs of that position well enough to be able to execute if you are put on the field, but also be open to playing somewhere new. You don’t need to know everything about it, but be able to play what you say you can play, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Just be ready to play and be ready to learn. Everyone will drop passes here and there, but if you have your catching/throwing/field sense together it will take a load off of your back and make your transition much smoother.

2. Be Prepared to Build Relationships

   In High School, you were most likely on a team with all your friends and you all joined together/played together. College is different, you’re coming together with really talented people from all over. Be ready to respect everyone, learn from others, and be open to making new friends. It sounds cliche, but it kind of sucks when you don’t really get along with anyone and you’re on a bus for 8 hours by yourself. You don’t have to force the relationships, but just be open to being a good teammate and remember that you’re all there to work together, win, and have fun.

   This applies to your coaches too. You may constantly feel like you need to impress your coaches and make sure they like you, but don’t let that be your main focus. Just be yourself and PLAY, but also be a good listener and be ontop of your game. Coaches notice everything, and if they don’t the captains do and they pass along what they see. It can be really hard if you feel like your coaches don’t like you or favor others, and thats something you just have to navigate as you go along. Focus on your game and being your best. Also make friends outside of lacrosse! It’ll be a breath of fresh air you need sometimes when team things are a little stressful. You’ll make amazing friends both on and off the field, but make an effort to have both.

3. Get Your Emotions In Check

   I am a very emotional person. I say i’m not, but I am. I cried when I watched Hannah Montana: The Movie (but who didn’t, tbh). Before you start playing, get your emotions in check and be ready to rely on yourself to continuously keep it together. Playing a college sport tests everything you believe in. You will doubt yourself so many times and ask yourself why you’re there, what you’re doing, why this isn’t working, etc. DO NOT talk yourself out of something you’ve worked so hard for. Be prepared to tell yourself to snap out of it and WORK. My downfall is that I was constantly in my head and it clouded how I played, I overthought everything, and that 1 second of overthinking could lead to a missed opportunity. Practice or find a way to brush things off when they happen, and after playing take time to yourself to work through your emotions and take care of yourself! Getting sad about dropping passes or missing shots only makes more bad things happen, but if you can brush that off and keep going that’ll give you a big leg up. Do not put more pressure on yourself than necessary/than already there....you will freeze up and start to feel like a headcase....not fun nor healthy.

4. Do Not Compare Yourself to Other Players

   Ohhhh boy, do I wish i’d known this way ahead of the game. It’s okay to be inspired and to draw tidbits of inspiration here and there, but don’t let yourself get bogged down in comparing yourself to other players. You yourself are there for a reason, figure out what makes you the special player that you are and use that to stand out! Time spent comparing yourself to others just hurts you in the process (im telling you, those college emotions hit you all at once and mess with your head).

5. Decide Who You Want to Be

   Eventually, there’ll come a time when you realize that you’re kind of in a box as a player. It happens. Coaches don’t necessarily do it on purpose, but sometimes you’ll be put in a box. I believe that you can either accept the box you’re in, if you feel like it’s a good/healthy place for you, or work to change your box/how your coaches perceive you. Some believe that being a role player is a positive thing, as every team has them, but that doesn’t always have to be you. Be willing to fight for what you want and who you want to be, but don’t hurt yourself in the process. 

   Outside of lacrosse, know that sometimes balance will be very hard to achieve. In college, you’ll be exposed to new things (parties, trips, new people), and you have to decide if you want to be an amazing lacrosse player (which will pull you away from your social life) or a socializer (which will pull you away from lacrosse). Some people can do both, but there’ll come a time when you have to decide where you’re going to put a majority of your effort into, and there’s nothing wrong with choosing what feels best for you (as long as its safe!).

6. You Are MORE Than the Sport You Play

   When I started playing lacrosse overall, I wanted NOTHING more than to be the greatest player alive. I would’ve done anything for it. I put my worth into my lacrosse skills, and I realized once I got to college that it may not have been healthy. I see that trend a lot sometimes, we delve so far into the things we love that we forget we have other qualities. Lacrosse is not what defines you, its part of you. You are more than your sport, the minutes you play, whether or not a coach favorites you, etc. Outside of lacrosse, just like in lacrosse, are tons of amazing things, and remember you started playing for fun.

7. Be Willing to Work

   I mentioned this above, but playing in college will force you to be healthier, fitter, and more of a hard-worker. At every level, you’ll be expected to be on top of your grind. When you’re at practice, you’re there to focus and put in work to succeed for you and your teammates. Be prepared to grind everyday and bring your A game. Nothing will come easy, even if you’re the top player there’ll always be some challenge presented by your coaches (to make you better). Take advantage of the competitive atmosphere and do your thing.

8. STUDENT Athlete; Student Is First For A Reason

   Remember why you’re there.....schooool. Don’t let your academics suffer for the sake of sports. I know sometimes you’ll feel pressure to just let things slide, but for the sake of your future stay focused on school. I’m absolutely guilty of not being 50/50 for school and sports, and its normal! A lil 60/40, 68/32 here and there doesn’t hurt too bad, but stay on top of your work cause just like in high school, you could be ineligible to play if your grades are looking rough.

    9. If It Isn’t For You, That’s Okay 

   Playing a sport in college isn’t for everyone. It could be the practice times, being away from friends, team dynamic, traveling, etc. So many things factor into it, and sometimes the school just isn’t the right one for you and thats okay! There’s nothing wrong with deciding to change your path. You are still an awesome athletic talented badass person and if you’re doing whats best for you, then its all good.

10. Have FUN

   There’s gonna be times when it feels like lacrosse is your life and the only thing you have going on, and sometimes that can be a heavy weight. But always always always have fun. Think of it this way: you’re going on a dive in a really really cool ocean and there’s tons of cool fish and buried treasure etc, but eventually you’ll have to come up from the dive and get back to land. You don’t want to spend the whole dive worrying about whats on land, if the other divers are seeing cooler fish than you, if you brought enough sunscreen, or whatever else will take away from the beauty of the dive. You’ll be able to do another cool dive someday, but make the most of the dive you’re doing now. College lacrosse is that current dive, and alumni games/leagues etc are your future dive. I wish i’d realized that there was more to lacrosse and sports in general than playing time, but it kind of isn’t my nature (turns out my #1 trait is that I am a Competitor, go figure. Yes, cat is out of the bag, I quit because, though i’m slightly ashamed, my mental health was suffering because I was so hyperfocused on being this perfect player and I just stopped enjoying what I was doing). So young college laxers, there’s sooo much more to your experience than how much you play. Please take advantage of all thats offered to you.

All in all, you are going to be great no matter what you do. Go into college with a clear mindset and do your thing! Whether there’s tons of pressure on you or not, remember you are a special player and you have soooo many things going for you in and out of lacrosse. I look forward to hearing about you all’s lax journeys and know you always have a fan in me!

[yuna-dan]

Broken

This is something I’ve been thinking lately. Can you imagine breaking up with someone and deal with the fact you’re basically the same person? It’s been a while since I wrote angst, so this is bad tbh. I didn’t like it but maybe you do.

Hope you enjoy it.

Warning: Angst with a happy ending. Bad English. Cursing. Reference to self-harm and unhealthy coping mechanism. Btw, I know no one survived that long without eating but since they’re part of someone else consciousness I believe they work differently. Also the time here is kind of weird but it’ll make sense (i hope)

Thomas was mad. He didn’t even know why but every little detail make him angry and snapped to everyone. 

Which was odd. He got mad, yes, but not to the point to shout to his friends. 

He was being petty. Disgusting with everyone. He hadn’t even upload a video on a month. 

There was something weird.

“Soo…” Anxiety asked, drumming his fingers against his jean. Fidgeting his feet and looking everywhere but in front of him.

“That’s it.” Prince said. Hating himself but knowing it was for the best.

Anxiety clenched his jaw, feeling tears forming in his eyes, “I can’t believe this…”

“Anxi-” The darkest trait flinched at the pet name, “Look, we can be friends." 

Anxiety choked a laugh and shook his head, biting his lip trying to stop the fucking tears. "Wouldn’t that be nice.”

“Anxi–”

“Don’t called me that.”

He turned around and exited the room of his boy— he winced. Ex-boyfriend. 

@ThomasSanders: I need to apologize. I don’t know what’s going on inside myself. As soon as I feel better I promised there’ll be a video. @ThomasSanders: I also want you all to know that I love each and one of you and I’m sorry if I hurt someone.

“Morality. Get. Out." 

"Look. Prince I know you are mad but you need–”

“Morality get the fuck out of my room.”

Prince never shout nor get aggressive, so when Logic was cleaning Morality’s black eye he didn’t even know what to say. 

“They need to talk. Both are hurting”

“I know.”

“Thomas is hurting.”

“I know.”

“Will they be okay?” He grabbed his hand and kiss his palm. 

“I don’t know, Mo.”

Logic was staring at Thomas. Thomas was frowning at his logical side.

“What?”

“You haven’t eaten. I’m stating fact here. If you don’t eat you’ll get worse, Thomas.”

Thomas’s eyes were red, meaning he just cried. He had huge dark circles under his eyes. 

“Please just eat, Thomas.”

“I don’t think someone cares if I do, you know?” He sat on a chair, and start eating the sandwich that Logic just made. 

“We care." 

Thomas smiled, but his eyes watered again. 

Anxiety hasn’t come out in a month. He hasn’t eaten. He hasn’t sleep. 

Morality was softly knocking his door, "Kiddo, c'mon.” Morality has been bringing food to his room, and the dishes were in the same place. 

The silent. Morality met silence again. 

“I’ll tell Logan to break the door… I know you need space…" 

Silent. 

"Logan! Bring the freaking ax I’m gonna tear this apart.”

Thomas was feeling empty. Sad. Lonely. 

He still hung with his friends, Morality made sure of that, yet he still had this desire to do nothing. 

Just to sleep all day and to stop feeling so…

So…

So, sad. He still laughs, he still makes his videos, he still does everything. 

But he was sad all the time.

Logic never cry. Never. 

Okay, that’s a lie. He cried just fine but he never sobbed. He was the one that controlled his feelings the best. 

So, Roman was surprised when he found Logic sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen table. He was resting his head on his arms, and broken sobs came out of him.

He was shaking for the weeping. 

“I’m sorry.” Roman whispered while patting his shoulder. “I never want this.”

And Logic wanted to say he knew that. That he was aware that this was a fucking mess a damned misunderstood but he was crying so hard he just couldn’t articulate a word. 

“I’m sorry." 

But Prince knew he didn’t deserve forgiveness. 

"Morality, what’s going on? Why… why am I feeling like this?”

Marion was being the most reasonable at this point.

“Just… You know how hard it is to move on from people?”

Thomas looked at his moral-side confused, “Huh?”

“Yeah. Look. Remembered how hard it was for you when you broke with your last boyfriend, right?” Thomas nodded warily, “You remember how much it hurts to even look at him. How difficult it was to you to move.”

“Yeah. One of the hardest thing ever.”

“Imagine living with him and basically being the same person.”

“Oh… Ar-Are you and Logan?”

“Oh no… We didn’t even know Ann and Roman were dating.”

“Well, shit.” And Marion was so tired he didn’t even correct the language of Thomas. “We have to do something.”

“Oh. Wow. How did that never occurred to me?” He glared. 

Thomas chuckled, “Sarcasm is not good on you.”

“I know.”

Anxiety shut himself. Figuratively and literally. When Morality finally manage to break the door, he found his kid in there.

Hugging himself as a little ball in the corner of his room.

“Anxi…ety. Anxiety.” He shushed, approaching to the figure as carefully as he could. 

“Go away.” His voice sounded hoarse and it was almost a whisper.

He was getting closer, and closer. “I can’t do that kiddo…”

“Leave me alone! Just like everyone! Leave me! Go away! I don’t need you…” He shouted and Morality hugged him.

Anxiety punched him a few a time, but he still hugged. Anxiety screamed horrible things and Morality still hugged him hard.

Until Anxiety melted in the hug and sobbed.

“Why? I-I’m sorry. I am mess.”

“You’re not.”

“Then why did he leave me?” He asked angrily and Marion felt how he was shaking. He put a hand on Anxiety’s head, caressing his hair. 

Morality knew. He knew everything, he was a dad after all, but he just hugged Anxiety until he felt asleep.

“Okay.” Thomas stood up from the table, where his logical and Moral side were siting. “Basically, Roman broke up with him… because he thought it was a good an idea?”

Logic sighed, “Look, I don’t understand his logic either. I. I’m basically the brain here.” Morality laugh quietly not knowing what stressed Logic more, the whole fucked-up situation or the fact that he didn’t get it.

“They just need to talk it.” Morality grabbed Thomas’s hand and squeeze it, “We all are hurting.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

Prince was having more fights lately. He started fights with everyone. He snapped at Logan. He punched Morality. He punched himself.

“Just. Look Logan, this is me coping.”

“Roman. Punching a wall and breaking for knuckles is not a healthy way of coping with this.”

Roman smirked, “Right now, I don’t even care.”

Anxiety was sitting on the table, “Dad. I told you I don’t want to eat.” He whispered.

“I’m not asking you. You haven’t eaten in almost four weeks. You need to eat. Thomas, need you.”

“That’s bullshit.”

He jumped from the table and started walking towards his room. 

“Roman. Just tell him. Talk to him.”

“Logan. Shut up. This is not of your business.”

He stood up from the floor of the bathroom and started walking towards his room.

Seeing Roman was the most difficult thing ever.

Seeing Ann was the most hurtful thing ever.

They’ve been successfully ignoring each other, mainly because Anxiety never left his room and Roman was fighting dragons and evil witches all the time.

So, when their paths crossed the collective gasp and the tears was a surprise to no one.

“I’m sorry I hurt you…” Roman was the first thing that left his mouth. 

Anxiety was doing his best to hold his tears, he pinched his wrist, knowing physical pain is something he can control. That relax him. He tried to pushed Prince to his side and just go and lock in his room.

Logan was now besides Morality, squeezing his hand and holding him in his place.

“I don’t care.” Anxiety whispered, “and you shouldn’t care. I’m used to being alone…”

“You shouldn’t…” 

“You left…”

And he closed the door of his room.

Thomas knew what was happening. He summoned all his sides. 

“Look… please… I’m pleading you… Just talk… feeling like this is hurtful…”

“It is, isn’t it?” Anxiety asked rudely, “Look Thomas, this is my fault.”

“No, it’s not.” Morality add quickly.

“For fuck sake!” Thomas shouted, and all the sides were shook by this. Thomas rarely cursed, let alone by shouting them. “Prince, Anxiety just fucking talk to each other.”

That night, Prince explained himself.

Anxiety understood.

“You know… Things can’t go back as the way they used to be…” Anxiety said after a long silent.

“I know.” He grabbed his hand and Anxiety tried his best not to flinched back. “I’m sorry I misunderstand the way you act. I feel I was hurting you.”

“You could’ve asked. You hurt me more by break up with me without any explanation. You know what I embody. You knew I would overthink everything and yet-”

“I know. I’m sorry…”

Anxiety sighed but a little smile was in his face. 

“We can’t go back to what it used to be…” Anxiety start again.

“But we can try again.” Prince finished the line.

And it would take a while for Ann to trust Roman again. It would take time for them to kissed again, to hugged again, to be a real couple again.

But they were willing to try.

That night Thomas didn’t have nightmares and he knew everything would be just fine.

endç

I’ve been feeling like Thomas in this fic, so MAYBE I was venting out xD. I was planning on giving a sad ending but right now I just can’t. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy it because i hate it xD

#fic #fan fic #fanfic #Yuna fic #prinxiety #prince sanders #roman sanders #anxiety sanders #logan sanders #logic sanders #morality sanders #thomas sanders #break up #unhealthy coping mechanism #self-harm reference #bad #this is horrible

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

having a rough start to the day... need to vent

I woke up today already kinda in a funk but nothing out of the ordinary and then i went to weigh myself and it was all downhill from there.

normally i'm able to look at that stuff like data and feedback from my body aka in a more logical way but recently it's been much harder to do so when things aren't going my way. it's been for the last like year that i've been in the 190's and feel so disgusting and like this isn't my body and i don't feel like me or comfortable in my own skin at this weight so i desperately want to lose even some of this weight so i can start to feel like me again and not be stuck in a body that doesn't feel like my own. i've gotten just below 190lbs a handful of times (like literally 189.6lbs or something) and without fail every time that happens or if i make any amount of progress or it's been a week since my last bender, i wake up and those nagging binge thoughts start the instant i wake up and won't stop so i dive head first into a 3 day binge of whatever i can find (recently they haven't been as bad because i didn't have money to order food and didn't have binge worthy food here but that made the urge worse because i wasn't giving in or giving it as much as it wanted so i get even more anxious). this week was no different and starting on Sunday I got back on track after a 3 or 4 day binge fest and weighed in at 193.3lbs. Then it was 192lbs, then 190.9lbs, then yesterday. was 190,3lbs, so me knowing my body, today should be the day where i'm under 190lbs but no, it stayed exactly at 190.3lbs and i figured well i'm weighing in earlier than i normally do so i'm going to go sleep a little more then it'll be a more "real"/consistent weight. So an hour later I try again, same exact weight and body fat and everything else as yesterday and something inside me just broke. right now i'm just sad and frustrated and scared now that there's going to be another binge looming over my head all day and i don't know if i have the mental capacity to fight it off today but i can't deal with another setback especially so close to all of the other recent ones. like normally i would go weeks, sometimes months without one of these binge episodes but recently it's becoming a weekly event and it's just sending my mental health to basically be nonexistent and i don't want to keep spiraling and getting worse. i know that having tangible emotions about it is a sign of progress instead of numbing it and convincing myself it's "just data and doesn't bother me" when really underneath the numb i do have feelings about it and refuse to let myself acknowledge them but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with - it's easier to numb and even though i'm fully aware i'm numbing and don't want to and want to feel the feelings and whatever but now that i actually am i know it's what's going to get me better and happier and all of that but it's still hard to process these things when for the last like 8 years of your life you've actively worked to not feel things and numb and protect yourself from them. i know this is a good thing but it doesn't feel good. i'm just so sick of every single little thing i do/try to do/feel/think/etc being a struggle and me having to fight in some way, shape, or form for/against it. when are things just going to be even a little easier? i know they will be one day and i know i'm doing the right things to get there but right now this just fucking sucks and i'm sick and tired of constantly having to fight for/struggle with things that should just be easy and they're not. like it shouldn't take me 5 hours to talk myself into going for a walk outside in beautifully sunny and warm weather around a dog park with all the cute puppies that's my usual route and is something that truly brings me joy (well it used to anyway... now that' it's just another thing i want to/should be doing and my deteriorating mental state, not so much anymore but tbh nothing really brings me joy anymore because everything is a struggle) and it's so hard to be trapped in this brain and feeling like i'm internally screaming out for someone to save me/make this go away just constantly while not wanting to be more of a burden than i already am and i don't want to bring

people down with all of my struggles and i just don't know how to fix this even just on the surface level at all and i hate it. i just want to live my life and just be without all the extra baggage or whatever that comes with it. to just be able to go for a walk without a 5 hour pep talk while disassociating for a few hours and too much caffeine and having to talk myself into it then talking myself down from an anxiety attack from the second i'm out there until the second i'm back in my apartment and being happy that i burned calories so i can eat more but not getting the true joy of being outside in my favorite place in the world in perfect weather and seeing puppies. it's like it makes my ED happy but not me as a whole and i hate it because it's sucking all of the joy out of the things i used to love and feel so strongly about and turning it into something i do to appease it so it'll let me be a little bit until it starts all over again the next day. like yesterday i did an upper body session (Caroline Girvan's Epic program which is known as the hardest youtube workout program just fyi) and "only" burned 350 calories so i forced myself to go down to the gym where from the second i left my apartment until i got back i was talking myself off the edge of a full blown panic attack/migraine and not focusing on the workout other than making sure my watch was adjusted right so it read my heart rate accurately the whole time so the calories burned would be as accurate as possible. as i'm writing this out, it's becoming increasingly obvious that as much as i like to fool myself into thinking that i'm okay/not doing extremely disordered habits/etc, i am most definitely not nearly as okay as i thought... fuck. just add it to the list of all the other mental issues which is becoming longer and more depressing as time goes on.

Major depression

OCD

anxiety (all "diagnosed" by Alisha the therapist)

disordered eating/eating disorder

body dysmorphia

ADHD

i'm sure there's some amount of PTSD from the lyme and other things that have happened

i'm sure there's more to be discovered.

like fuck just seeing it typed out and how many issues there are that i have to "fix"/work on/get past just fucking sucks. again, i know it will get to a point where all of that is at a minimum manageable if not taken care of/no longer an issue and i can't express how much i can't wait for that but right now it's just hard to even imagine what that would be like and how much work that's going to take and that in itself is overwhelming. i don't want to end my life or anything by any means but i just want to skip past all of this and get to the point where i'm stable/sane/happy/etc because i know to get there is going to be the second hardest i've had to fight (second only to lyme) for/against something and i just don't know if i have that level of fight left in me anymore at this point. i'm sure as we start to work through things and some of the burden is lifted that i'll have it again but right now i feel like the stupid depression cat from big mouth curled around me and like i just don't have the energy to exist let alone be fighting anything. i know that because of who i am and how badly i want to be okay that i will find the energy i need and even if i fall down sometimes and want to quit that i won't and eventually i will get there but right now it's just hard to think about what it's going to take to get there. like right now all i want in life is to just be able to live like a normal human without the constant worry of setting off a migraine or having a panic attack or having to talk myself into doing the most basic of things and everything being an event and just be able to not overthink every single little thing i do and just be able to do things. i'm not asking for rainbows and sunshine and never to be stressed or have bad days but just for most days to be lived doing things without a second or third or thousandth thought/stress attached to it. i don't think that's too much to ask...

okay now i need to get up and at least kinda start my day now that i've gotten some of this out. oddly enough i don't feel any real relief after getting this out like i normally do, i feel like i just retreated back into the numbness and ugh is all i have to say. but whatever, it is what it is and i'm allowed to have bad days without feeling guilty over having one. i just need to acknowledge that so far today i'm having a sad/bad day, accept it, and just let it go so it doesn't consume my entire day and lead to an even faster spiral downwards. i'm choosing to accept these negative emotions tied to the scale/my body/my current mental and physical state/my situation and not try to force them out of my brain or guilt myself for having them. these feelings are there, they suck and i don't like them but all they are are feelings - not facts or "rules" or concrete/set in stone and i accept them because they're showing me that i'm making progress towards bettering my mental health and now that i have acknowledged them and accept them for what they are and have processed them, they are free to go. i just closed my eyes and talked myself through all that i just said and took 2 deep breaths to release the emotions and now i do feel a little better so that's something to keep in mind for the next time this happens. i don't know if this is just doubt setting in but i don't know if i actually feel better or it's my brain numbing so i think i feel better because it's protecting me but i'm going to choose to be optimistic and say i actually do feel better. but now it is time to start my day. i'm going to get up, put on a cute workout outfit of leggings and either long sports bra or crop top that shows my stomach because i'm not going to let fleeting negative feelings change how i feel about myself today and if they are still there after i have on the cute outfit, then i'm going to fake it till i make it because i deserve to be happy and feel proud of my body and not be such an asshole to myself when i know i'm just here doing my best to survive and that is enough.