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physalian · 1 month

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What No One Tells you about Writing #3

Opening this up to writing as a whole, because it turns out I have a lot more to say!

Part 1

Part 2

1. You don’t fall in love with your characters immediately

But when you do, it’s a hit of serotonin like no other. I’d been writing a tight cast of characters for my sci-fi series since 2016 and switched over in a bout of writer’s block this year to my new fantasy book. I made it about ⅓ through writing the book going through the motions, unable to visualize what these new characters look like, sound like, or would behave like without a ‘camera’ on them.

Then, all of a sudden, I opened my document to keep on chugging with the first draft, and it clicked. They were no longer faceless elements of my plot, they were my characters and I was excited to see what they could accomplish, rooting for them to succeed. Sometimes, it takes a while, but it does come.

2. Sometimes a smaller edit is better than a massive rewrite

Unless you’re changing the trajectory of your entire plot, or a character’s arc really is unrecoverable, sometimes even a single line of dialogue, a single paragraph of introspection, or a quick exchange between two characters can change everything. If something isn’t working, or your beta readers consistently aren’t jiving with a character you yourself love, try taking a step back, looking at who they are as a person, and boil down what your feedback is telling you and it might demand a simpler fix than you expect.

Tiny details inserted at the right moment can move mountains. Fan theories stand on the backs of these minutiae. One sentence can turn a platonic relationship romantic. One sentence can unravel a fair and just argument. One sentence can fill or open a massive plot hole.

3. Outline? What outline?

Not every book demands weeks upon weeks of prep and worldbuilding. I would argue that jumping right in with only a vague direction in mind gives you a massive advantage: You can’t infodump research you haven’t done. Exposition is forced to come as the plot demands it, because you haven’t designed it yet.

Not every story is simple and straightforward, but even penning the first draft with your vague plan, *then* going back and adding in deeper worldbuilding elements, more thematic details, richer character development, can get you over the writer’s block hurdle and make it far less intimidating to just shut up and write the book.

4. It’s okay to let your characters take the wheel

I’ve seen writing advice that chastises authors who let their characters run wild, off the plan the story has for them. Yeah, doing this can harm your pacing and muddy a strong and consistent arc, but refusing to leave the box of your outline greatly limits your creativity. I do this particularly when writing romantic relationships (and end up like Captain Crunch going Oops! All Gays!).

Did I plan for these two to get together? No, it just happened organically as I wrote them talking, getting closer, getting to know each other better in the circumstances they find themselves in. Was this character meant to be gay? Well, he wasn’t meant to be straight, but you know what, he’d work really well with this other boy over here. None of that would have happened if I was bound and determined to follow my original plan, because my original plan didn’t account for how the story that I want to tell evolves. You aren’t clairvoyant—it’s okay if it didn’t end up where you thought it would.

5. Fight. Scenes. Suck.

Which is crazy because I love fantasy and sci-fi, the actiony-est genres. Some authors love battle scenes and fistfights. It comes naturally to them and I will forever be jealous. I hate fight scenes. I hate blocking and choreographing them. I hate how it doesn’t read like I’m watching a movie. I hate how it could take me hours to write a scene I can read in 5 minutes. I hate that there’s no way around it except to just not write them, or put in the elbow grease and practice.

Whatever your writing kryptonite is, don’t be too hard on yourself. It won’t ever replicate the movie in your head, but our audience isn’t privy to that movie and will be none the wiser of how this didn’t fit your expectations, because it’s probably awesome on its own. It could be a fight scene, sex scene, epic battle, cavalry charge, courtroom argument, car chase—whatever. Be patient, and kind to yourself and it will all come together.

6. Write the scenes you want to write first

And then be prepared to never use them. It can be mighty difficult working backwards from a climax and figuring out how to write the story around it, but if you’re sitting at your laptop staring at your cursor and watching it blink, stuck on a tedious moment that’s necessary but frustrating, go write something exciting. Even if that amazing scene ends up no longer working in the book your story becomes, you still get practice by writing it. Particularly if you hate beginnings or the pressure of a perfect first page is too high, you’re allowed to write any other moment in the book first.

And with that, be prepared to kill your darlings. Not your characters, I mean that one badass line of dialogue living rent free in your head. That epic monologue. That whump scenario for your favorite character. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out anymore, but even if it ends up in the trash, you can always salvage something from it, even if that’s only the knowledge of what not to do in the future.

7. “This is clearly an author insert.” … Yes. It is. Point?

No one likes Mary Sues, because a character who doesn’t struggle or learn to get everything they want in life is uncompelling. The most flagrant author inserts I see aren’t Mary Sues, they’re nerdy, awkward, boring white guys whose world changes to fit their perspective, instead of the other way around—they don’t have anything to say. I’m not the intended audience to relate to these characters and I accept that, but I don’t empathize with the so-called “strong female character” who also doesn’t have flaws or an arc either.

A good author insert? When the author gives their characters pieces of themselves. When the “author insert” struggles and learns and grows and it’s a therapeutic experience just writing these characters thrown into such horrible situations. They feel human when they’re given pieces of a human’s soul. They have real human flaws and idiosyncrasies. I don’t care if the author wrote themselves as the protagonist. I care that this protagonist is entertaining. So if you want to make yourself the hero of your book, go for it! But make sure you look in the mirror and write in your flaws, as much as your strengths.

#writing advice #writing resources #writing tips #writing tools #writing a book #writing #writeblr #fantasy #scifi

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kadextra · 6 months

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okay I’ve been inspired to rant about soulfire’s spawn now (this is very /lh im having so much fun)

It’s on the top of the mountain which is already painful. add to that the burning sun melting tons of the snow on day one, now it’s just horribly shattered-looking and the respawn is on a pillar, they instantly lose hunger and take damage trying to parkour navigate out. it’s even worse at night.

LOOK AT IT??????

UGLY.

q!tina earlier had to hide in a hole eating maggots to survive and im still so obsessed with this scene, it was like a pivotal character moment

“im eating maggots in the snow oh my god this is disgusting this is like the worst arc I could go through. i’m taking this to my grave I can’t tell anybody, this is embarrassing this is like. you die with this secret. i’d rather admit that I killed federation workers than admit that I ate maggots in the snow all by myself.” 💀

so ofc blue very early on decided to abandon the spawn and instead make their base on a nice cozy little beach, and today they put a bed to respawn and everything! <3

but SIKE the bed doesn’t do anything and they’re cursed to keep spawning on top of the mountain anyways!!! :D

so every time a blue member dies, they gotta make the fun journey of trying to survive navigating out of their hellscape spawnpoint, run down the whole mountain breaking their ankles with every step, and drag their battered starving bodies into the frozen ocean. <333

#it’s so hilarious #I have a love hate relationship with the soulfire spawn #qsmp #qsmp team soulfire #qsmp purgatory #qsmp blue team

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javarium · 6 months

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from mountains to dust

— geto x reader; gojo x reader; geto x gojo

it’s been nothing but bad lapses in judgement over the last few months, over and over again. the beginning restarts over and over again; there’s no end to the storyline in sight. trying to change it seems futile, but you hope there’s purpose in every choice you make… no matter how terrible they may be.

w — canon divergence, partial canon-compliance, takes place post-Star Plasma Arc, angst, poly relationship, character death, cussing, minimal dialogue heehee

Before you stands the man you fell in love with. He looks better, if only slightly, since you last saw him. He’s regained some of his weight, the color in his cheeks, and lost the bags of exhaustion under his beautiful eyes.

Behind him stands two girls, one with light brown hair and the other with black, both staring at you wide-eyed with wonder and curiosity.

“So that means this was a set-up?”

Your voice is quiet, almost too quiet that he has to strain to hear. But he does, and he nods to confirm your thoughts. “It was. I’m not sorry.”

“Of course you’re not.”

The text message you’d gotten two days ago had led up to this moment: to you seeing him again, with two tiny girls by his side. Why on Earth he thought this was a good idea was beyond your reasoning.

But maybe it was because of those girls behind him. Maybe he was ready to repent for what he’d done. Maybe he was ready to come back, come home to you and Satoru and just live and breathe again. Maybe this was fate rewriting itself, fixing the once-thought irreparable damage that had been done not even a year ago.

You gulp down spit in uncertainty. “Why… Geto?”

He visibly winces at the use of his last name. But he understands. The hesitation in addressing him by his last name tells him of how unsure you are of your relationship. He gets it. After what he’s done, after everything he’s put you through, he knows he’s on shaky ground. He shouldn’t expect you to call him by his first name anymore. He’s lost that privilege, lost the luxury of his name rolling off the lips he loved to kiss so much.

“Because…”

Because he still loves you. He wants you with him, by his side. If there’s one thing he wants to be selfish about, it’s wanting you with him. It’s him wanting to wrap you in his arms every night and hold you; him wanting to watch you get to know Nanako and Mimiko and do girly things with them. To be a mother to them. He knows you’d be a good mom. He can see it now in the way you look at the twins clutching the back of his robe.

He wants Satoru, too, but he knows that he’s too far from his reach.

”Because I know you’d understand.”

Because between you and Satoru, only you would know. Only you would know what it would be like for everything to be too much. To do something more direct about saving jujutsu sorcerers from pain, from death. From dealing with Curses that plagued the planet thanks to those inferior monkeys. Only you would understand the line, understand that he wasn’t trying to be a selfish bastard by killing off all the monkeys of the planet to save his own kind.

“Do you have any idea what you’re asking of me?”

You know what he’s asking. He wants you to understand. And you do. But at the same time, you understand Satoru, too. Both of them were trying to change the world for the better, to fix the bullshit of the world of jujutsu for the sake of not just the world, but for sorcerers as well. Their ways were just so… different. Drastically so. You wanted them both to win, to succeed to change the world of sorcerers for the better, because it was nothing but hell. You just never expected to be forced to choose, to take sides with the two men your heart had fallen head over heels for.

”I do.”

You shake your head. “You don’t.” The burn of tears sting at your eyes. “What’s their names?”

Suguru places his left hand behind the black-haired girl’s head. “This is Mimiko.” And then he does the same with the girl with light brown hair. “And this is Nanako.”

You smile at them, eyes gazing over their little bodies that pump cursed energy enough to be sorcerers.

You hate it.

“Lovely names…” you whisper.

You dip your head and close your eyes. You’re shaking, you note. Tears line your eyes, but you force them back. And you forever hate yourself for the decision you make.

Gojo Satoru knows he isn’t alone, despite feeling like it with every time he draws breath in and out of his lungs. He knows that you’re still there, waiting for him to come around and meet you halfway.

But he takes too long. He’ll always be the strongest, but he’ll always be too fucking late.

The words coming from his teacher’s lips almost fall on deaf ears. What he hears is just as bad, if not worse, than when he was told Suguru has massacred a village and was now set for execution.

“[Name] has gone missing. There’s a likelihood she’s sided with Suguru,” the older man says. “She left a note I found, saying she was going to go bring him in, come morning she’d be back with him.”

“But she hasn’t.” Gojo doesn’t like the quiver in his voice.

“She’s either sided with Suguru,” Yaga says, “or he’s killed her. She’s vanished. Not even her residuals are left.”

And when Gojo goes to investigate to try and prove him wrong, he finds out his teacher is right. You’ve masked yourself perfectly, so much so that not even his mostly-trained Six Eyes can pick up on any wisp of your cursed energy.

You were always good at stealth. You weren’t strong like him or Suguru, but you were adept at stealth techniques. Reconnaissance, stealth — you were essentially a ninja. Something he and Suguru used to joke about all the time.

Gojo Satoru sits alone in his dorm room once he’s deemed what his teacher has said to be truth. He can’t find any of your residuals, not a trace of it left. Everything you own and have is left behind, like you had truly gone out with the intent of coming back. With Suguru, like you said. You were supposed to come back with Suguru.

He leans forward to think, elbows resting on his knees. His blackout glasses slip down his nose, bit by bit. He grabs them off his nose and slings them toward the wall and doesn’t care when he hears an audible crack! a split second later. He doesn’t care. He has enough money to buy as many glasses as he wants.

Too bad that money can’t buy back the two people he cares for the most in this shitty world.

“Mama!”

“Get up!”

Nanako and Mimiko jump on the bed, too eager for whatever time it was. You grumble and bury your head deeper into the pillow, hoping they’d understand that you were far too tired and sleepy to do whatever they had in store for you.

“Papa, Mama won’t get up!”

“She won’t, will she?”

You hate Suguru. You really don’t want to get up. Not after the restless night you’ve had. But once he makes his appearance, it was either get up or suffer the consequences.

Groaning, you lift yourself from the bed a few inches, using your elbows to lift your head and prop up on. And slowly but surely, you manage to blink your tired eyes open. The desire of sleep fades faster than you anticipate and make you wonder if you need coffee today. Strange.

“Breakfast is ready,” Suguru says. He bends down as you sit up properly, pressing a kiss to your temple sweetly. “If you decide to get up, that is,” he teases further. It makes you grumble, but as you watch Nanako and Mimiko trail after him at his request, you can’t help but feel your heart fill with warmth, and the need to oblige Suguru’s desire to see you down in the kitchen with your found family.

You tie your robe around you, keeping some semblance of morning comfort as you walk to the kitchen.

Suguru, only for you and your girls, would ever be in the kitchen making you three pancakes and sausages. He would for Satoru too, if he were here. No doubt the white-haired male would be the one making the biggest fuss of the four of you about the pancake delivery being too slow. To which Suguru would most definitely chuckle at and tell Satoru he’d make more if he hushed. And Satoru would happily oblige.

It’s been almost five years since your departure from the school — yours and Suguru’s — with a broken heart. But at the same time, you know you would’ve never been happy, no matter what decision you made. It would’ve ripped you to shreds regardless. Because you had to choose between them, between Satoru and Suguru, the two men on you loved most on this godforsaken planet.

When you chose Suguru, you hoped that there would be enough resolve in you to bring him back home, even if it took you years to do it. Even to this day, you still hope that there’s something you can do, or take advantage of something happening to get him to go back and be put on probation, rather than the execution he’s scheduled for if any sorcerer gets their filthy hands on him.

You’re sure Satoru wouldn’t let anything happen to Suguru anyway. You’ve heard of the immense power he wields now, both with his refined jujutsu as well as politically, since on his twentieth birthday, he officially became the head of the Gojo Clan.

“Can we go shopping today?” Nanako asks. She looks expectantly at Suguru, who fakes being deep in thought. It makes you lift a hand to hide your smile.

Suguru looks at you with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. He knows you don’t like getting out. It’s both because you’re in introvert and hate the crowds of malls and streets, and also from the fact you don’t want to get caught by jujutsu sorcerers. Yes, you could handle them, but you didn’t want to deal with such hassle; defeating them would be easy. Unless it was Satoru, of course.

“I dunno,” he hums, “but I think you’d better ask Mom, don’t you think?”

The two ten-year-old twins get whiplash when they turn to face you with sparkles in their eyes. You almost look away, reminded of a young girl with black hair that had the same look of excitement in her eyes.

You don’t deny the twins their excitement or Suguru his satisfaction.

So you take the twins to the mall. It isn’t the one closest to your home, Nanako and Mimiko having been there a few times already. You take them to a new mall, one that’s just outside proximity of the normal one.

That was your first mistake.

You have four bags next to your seat as you devour the soba in front of you. The twins are happily eating their favorite ramen, in a contest to see who can finish the too-big bowl first. You’re texting Suguru, who’s happy to hear that the girls are having a good time. It’s better than what he’s dealing with: an unruly set of followers of the cult he leads, questioning him and his methods of dealing with the riddance of “monkeys” on such a large scale.

You understood them, you really did. But there was no doubt that your lover would kill them before the sun sets.

As you’re putting your phone away, that’s when you sense it: the familiar, boundless cursed energy of the Limitless, belonging to the person whom you’d left behind to fend for himself. He may have been the strongest jujutsu sorcerer, but that didn’t mean he was the strongest mentally, even if he tried to or appeared to be.

You direct your attention back to the girls and ask them, “You guys still want to go to the candy store?”

“Yeah!”

You fish for the card you’ve been using and give it to them. “I think you two are big enough to go by yourselves. Just don’t by too much, okay?”

Nanako and Mimiko buzz with excitement, eyes twinkling with absolute glee. They take the card and skip away. You weren’t worried about their safety. You could easily track their cursed energy if you need to. So you stand, ready to turn and gather your jacket-

“[Name]?”

The clear brokenness in his tone made you stop, facing away from the man that the voice belonged to. You’re frozen solid; as much as you want to turn around and face him, your feet seem to be stuck, rooted to the ground.

But Satoru is strong enough to move for you, and your eyes suddenly see his black shoes mere inches from your own.

“Look at me.”

It’s not commanding. Not even slightly. He’d never use that tone with you. With you, he was always soft, always treating you like the porcelain you’d always wanted to be since you were a little girl.

But you fear porcelain has turned to titanium, that Satoru would no longer want a girl that had made herself into steel.

Your eyes slowly lift to meet his, and you feel the burn of tears edge at your eyelids.

God, he’s so handsome, so ethereal. If Suguru saw him now, you’re sure he’d feel the same as you: all you want to do is press your lips to his in the sweetest, most apologetic kiss you could muster. You’d wrap your arms around him and never let him go again. You’d never walk away from a man that loved you and Suguru so dearly ever again.

But the guilt gnawed away at you. You don’t deserve it anymore. This is the path you chose, your regret tells you. And there’s nothing you can do to change it.

Satoru knows you too well, even after a few good years apart. He loved you so much he could read you like an open book written in big letters in bold print. He doesn’t need the Six Eyes to feel the remorse pouring from your soul.

“God…” he breaths out.

Tears wet your lashes as you blink. His love thrums from his cursed energy and you feel even worse. You almost speak, but he does first.

“You’re so beautiful.”

You cry out his name, and are unable to help falling into the sanctuary of his arms you’ve longed to feel again.

But this is the path you’ve chosen.

You don’t tell Suguru when you get home. Not immediately. He knows, because he can see his other beloved’s residuals on you. He doesn’t pry, not then. He’ll eventually come to know what transpired, but for now he’s okay with making sure you’re comforted, that you know he loves you, too.

It’s 2017 when Suguru zones in on the school he once went to. He becomes enamored with Okkotsu Yuuta, a new Special Grade sorcerer that you can tell is a distant relative of Satoru’s. They have a similar wavelength, you note, that only appears in a familial way.

He wants to bring him over to his side, if only to be able to take and tame the Queen of Curses, Rika Orimoto from him to bring Suguru’s goal to life. She’s, from what you understand, almost unstoppable. Even for Satoru. You’re sure the white-haired man could take her on if need be. You still have that much faith in his abilities.

Secretly, you hope Suguru fails.

It’s 2017 when you become extra nauseous in the late morning and immediately puke into the sink. It’s not the smell of anything that does it; just a random, overwhelming nausea that makes you almost crumble to your knees by the sink.

You’ve had your suspicions for a week now. But when you take a look in the mirror, you activate your cursed energy, and in that moment, all of your prior suspicions are confirmed. You begin to cry in joy at the thought of having your own baby, your own flesh and blood with one of the men you love so dearly.

One of them.

You wish Satoru was here to enjoy your pregnancy too.

You grow and grow over the months and Nanako and Mimiko are absolutely overjoyed to have another sibling join. They hope it’s a girl too, because the only boy they can stand is the man that’s their father.

Come September 21st, you give birth to a carbon copy of yourself. Suguru couldn’t be any happier. If he was, he might explode from the joy pumping through his veins. The absolute happiness in his eyes is worth every second of agony you went through during labor. There’s nothing of the man who runs such a dark organization to rid the world of non-sorcerers.

There is only Geto Suguru, the man you fell in love with at the naive age of 16, who stares down at his newborn daughter and swears with every ounce of his being that he is going to give her world and place it at her feet.

It’s 2017, Christmas Eve, when your love launches an attack on jujutsu high, determined to win and come back with Rika Orimoto at his beck and call. There’s so much loss and sufferance from both sides that you can barely stomach it.

You don’t stay on the frontlines too long, opting to use your powers to teleport to the school. You know Satoru knows you’re involved, you just wonder if he’s going to tell anyone.

At the school, you make one last appeal to your love before he takes on the new Special Grade teenager. You’re terrified. You see how strong the boy’s Curse is, and you get to dissuade him from the fight. You’re terrified even further, because you know that Suguru is going to lose.

Indeed, he does lose. Not just the fight, but so much more.

It’s 2017 when Geto Suguru admits defeat and succumbs to the consequences of his actions ten years ago and henceforth, all while holding the dead body of the mother of his child, the woman he and Satoru loved the most, with tears streaming down his face and agony rending his soul asunder.

It’s 2017 when Satoru meets the little baby girl you gave birth to, and just the same as her biological father, he also swears to her that he’ll put the world at her feet if she asks, protect her and her dad, the man he loves, just like her mom would’ve wanted him to.

She coos in response, and he swears on his own life that nothing will ever happen to her.

It’s Halloween of 2018, and before them stands the woman they both fell in love with.

But the stitches across your head told them that you were not you.

Not anymore.

That someone, something, was inside of you, possessing your body. Desecrating your soul, your existence, their memories of you, and the wonderful life you’d lived by their sides for as long as you had. Desecrating the beauty of your being and the possibilities of what could have been had the both of them not been so damn fucking selfish.

In Shibuya, on Halloween, for nineteen days, Gojo Satoru is sealed within the prison realm by a madman inhabiting your body.

On that day, both he and Suguru swear by everything in their power that they will do what they must to get rid of the evil inhabiting your body. To end whatever sick games the person inside your corpse has planned.

For themselves, for your daughter, and for you, they will lay your body to rest and let your soul be in peace.

After everything you’ve done, you deserve that much.

a/n: I’ll do an rb w/ tags later omg, the taglist is so long

#geto x reader #gojo x reader #geto suguru x reader #gojo satoru x reader #geto x reader x gojo #gojo x reader x geto #gojo x geto #suguru geto x you #suguru x reader #jjk angst #jjk x reader #jjk oneshot #jjk imagines

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soupthatistohot · 9 months

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BSD 109 Spoilers!!!

I will always always ALWAYS come back to this panel when talking about Asagiri’s storytelling.

At its very core, BSD is an absurdist text, Kafka Asagiri having been inspired by many absurdist authors. Franz Kafka, who he took his pseudonym from is one of them. Albert Camus, basically the most well-known absurdist is referenced with the Mersault prison, the name of which comes from a character in his most famous absurdist work, The Stranger.

Absurdism is the belief that the world around us is irrational and inherently absurd and that explicitly seeking meaning is pointless. In his essay The Myth of Sisyphus, Camus explains, that there is value in the act of rebellion, though. Sisyphus, who has been doomed to roll a boulder up a mountain only for the boulder to tumble back down each time he reaches the peak, finds meaning in the act of continuing to push the boulder. Even though he will continue this cycle for all of eternity, he doesn’t just lay down and give up, he rebels against the absurdity of his situation by continuing to push the boulder, despite the seemingly futile nature of the act.

As I said earlier, BSD is an absurdist text. All of the animanga’s main characters are on a journey of discovering their meaning in life, and their place in the world, and they do this by rebelling against its absurdity — especially Dazai.

Dazai sees the absurd world for what it is, and when he was in the PM, he hated it. Thus, he sought suicide as a solution. I will note here that absurdists generally view suicide as a failure to rebel against the absurd, just giving up and giving into hopelessness. But ever since Dazai left the PM and took Oda’s advice, he’s been rebelling against this, doing good despite his inherent beliefs about morality and the world, and he’s absolutely gotten better for it.

Other characters embody this idea of rebelling against the absurd, hell, that’s kinda what this whole arc is about. The world is literally ending, and things seem to be at their absolute worst, but someone like Atsushi still has hope that he can change the minds of the hunting dogs and save reality as we know it. He even has hope that he can get through to a vampiric Akutagawa when the guy is literally brainwashed and attacking him. Aya as the “last hope” right now embodies this, too, deciding that she can’t just sit around and do nothing and then trying to remove the sword from Bram even though the effort appears futile.

But everything is going wrong right now. Fukuzawa is bleeding out, Dazai has just been shot through the forehead and appears to have died, Atsushi’s had his limbs ripped off and is at Akutagawa’s mercy, and Fukuchi is literally going to end the world! How can we have hope?!

Think about BSD. Think about the story that’s been told so far. Surely Asagiri isn’t killing everyone right now, surely the world isn’t gonna actually end. I’m not entirely convinced Aya’s plan is gonna work— but please consider that the point of absurdist storytelling is that even when everything seems to be at its worst, even when life seems completely meaningless, there is inherent meaning in still continuing to fight against this.

BSD has never been a story where the villains win, and I don’t think it’s gonna start being one. I think, as usual, Asagiri wants to scare us, to make us feel hopeless about the situation, only for someone to pull through and completely turn the tides.

Dazai laying down and accepting his death at Chuuya’s hands is not going to be the end of his story, because it goes against everything Asagiri seems to stand for. Dazai wouldn’t just give up in his fight against Fyodor, because he needs to prove he’s right about what he says in this panel:

"The ones who actually make the world turn are those who scream within the storm of uncertainty and run with flowing blood."

I think this reflects Asagiri's own beliefs and is also the reason why he is not going to let Dazai die like this, because in a way, that would be proving that Fyodor is right. From a storytelling perspective, it’d be saying “everything I’ve communicated up to this point actually means nothing and life is truly hopeless!”

Dazai has cheated death before, as has basically everyone else in danger right now. I promise you, something is going to happen and they’re all going to survive, because BSD is not trauma porn, for lack of a better term. It’s a story about how a group of people fight against the absurdity of their reality, even when everything seems completely and utterly hopeless.

There’s a lot of theories circulating about how things could work out, especially Dazai’s “death,” and I’m not here to repeat all of them, but I will say that a lot of them have credence, especially because Asagiri isn’t the type of author to make mistakes, every single detail has a distinct reason.

So even though I don't know how things are going to work out, I have full faith that they will, including Dazai's current situation. None of these characters are done just yet, they've got too much fight left in them to just give up.

[original twt thread]

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd 109 #bsd spoilers #bsd manga spoilers #bsd meta #kafka asagiri #asagiri kafka #soup rants #being a hashtag camus girlie has its merits!!!#bsd absurdism analysis

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dduane · 1 month

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Salutations and good wishes to you. I am an Indie Author seeking to go Pro. Some good advice and guidance might help minimise the mountain of my anxiety about doing this. I know you got your start with fanfiction, but did you find a publisher/agent through that door? [lots sneer at these days. Still] How many rejections did you suffer before you found your place in the literary world? Thanks for your time and sorry for bothering you <3

Hi there! And don't sweat it: this is no bother.

I have to apologize in advance, because my own career arc isn't likely to serve as much of a good example. In terms of how I got into this business, I'm a serious outlier.

Quickest and easiest to discuss: my agent and I got together after my first book was already bought and published. (Which back in the day was seen as a good enough way to go forward, and then still entirely possible.) He was recommended to me by one of my editors, as—like me—he was just getting started in the business: a likely-looking newcomer then scouting new talent. We met up and chatted, and it seemed to both of us that we'd be a good fit for each other. After forty-odd years of working together, we still are.

About the fanfic: (Adding a cut here so as not to carpet people's dashes with wall-to-wall text...)

What writing all that fic did for me—from about age sixteen onwards—was give me a whole lot of practice in getting the initial garbage associated with a story written and out of the way. Best to admit it here: we all have plenty of crap writing in us. And yeah, even long-term professional writers do. Whether you're at the beginning of your career or right in the middle of it, this is what "zero drafts" are for. You tell yourself the story, first time out... and routinely at this stage a lot of what proves to be unusable stuff emerges, and can be discarded in rewrite. (Of course crap writing can also emerge without warning in the later stages of a project, but there are many reasons for that, all beyond the scope of this discussion.) And you learn even more from reworking the material after you've gotten rid of the dross.

During the period when I was executing what might have been, oh, half a million words of fanfic—Trek originally, and then LoTR—and while reading a whole lot of everything, as I'd been doing since I was first allowed to go raid the town library by myself at age eight—I learned a fair amount about writing without realizing it. Some of it was simply about writing inside a set of rules. (Which I hadn't been doing previously: between eight and sixteen I was writing original fiction, mostly fairy tales.) Naturally in fanfic you have to obey the laws of whatever universe you're working in... or even if you wind up flouting them consciously, you do have to be conscious of them. But this work also led me to something that I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about: the concept that fiction writing as a whole had rules. I realized I'd better find out what those were.

The best stuff I found out during this period was what I picked up by direct example from other writers, whom I'd immediately start imitating and then sort of leave by the wayside when I found others I liked better; at which point I'd start imitating them. (This being a great way to learn and hone new skills, and to start getting a sense of what a writer's "voice" is and can come to mean. I think every writer does this, to some extent: because it's really, really tough to learn how to write without reading. And the more extensively the better.)

I have to emphasize here, BTW, that the fanfic that came out of me as I started slogging up this learning curve was all almost uniformly terrible. All of it, mercifully, along with my earliest original fiction, is gone now: long since burnt, shredded, composted under many layers of time. Trust me, it's just as well. Gah was it awful! Nobody else ever saw the stuff, for which I thank great Thoth every time I think about it. ...What's interesting, too, in its way, was that I didn't even know that what I was doing was fan fiction. I had as yet no contact with any kind of organized fandom, and it would be a long time yet before "online" was invented. I was working in utter isolation, unaware that anybody else might have been doing the same thing. (And it's difficult to describe the sense of astonishment and joy that hit me the first time I went to an SF convention, saw fanzines for the first time, and found out that I was not alone. All unsuspecting, I'd stumbled onto one of my tribes.)

But somewhere along the line, as the years went by—as I finished high school and went to college, and then from there to nursing school, and graduated and started working as a psychiatric nurse, and kept on writing—at some point, as I started writing original fiction again, as well as fanfic, the quality of the output began to improve. The combination of constant practice and voracious reading of better writers outside my chosen genre was slowly having an effect. Trusted friends who saw this later material started saying, "This isn't bad, you should try to get it published!" But since none of these folks were writers, I didn't pay too much attention to their opinions.

I did pay attention, though, when my good friend and mentor David Gerrold said something similar on reading my first novel in 1976. And when that was bought by the first publisher who read it, I had to admit he might have had something there.

This too, though, is unfortunately also a way I'm an outlier: I haven't had a lot of rejection. (Even in my TV work, where rejection is pretty much the rule rather than the exception.) Speaking very generally, just about anyone I've pitched something to in the prose market has bought it—or if they didn't like the idea I came in with, they've immediately said "But would you like to do this instead?" And often enough, what they've offered or suggested has been something that sounded like fun. That's how I wound up doing the Star Trek: Rihannsu books, for example: they were "instead of" a Romulan dictionary. Paramount essentially ringfenced an entire AU-area of Trek and gave it to me to play in, which struck me at the time as amazing. And continues to do so.

Now all this may make me sound almost unfairly lucky. But things do tend, slowly or quickly, to balance out. Over time the universe has made up for its relative kindness at the rejection end of things by making sure I knew plenty about the non-rejection forms of writer-career pain: projects from which I was not rejected but which went terribly wrong (wheels come off a huge deal just before signing, promised actors or directors fail to materialize...), projects where I did the work but didn’t get paid, or where I was brought on board and then got fired/ghosted unreasonably or for no reason at all, or sometimes (mortifyingly) for quite good reason. And let's not forget how, as what could seem a very pointed shot across my bow when my career-vessel was just pulling out of port, half the print run of that very-much-buzzed-about debut novel wound up being pulped in the warehouse because another, far better-established writer's new book needed the pallet space that mine had been taking up. (insert rueful smile here) Believe me, entropy is running, and will catch up with you one way or another. So make yourself as ready for it as you can.

I don't mean to increase your anxiety. Yet that said: you're preparing to enter a business in which, for a freelancer, at least some level of anxiety is more or less part of the basic ground of being. You are going to have to develop ways of dealing with the everyday forms of that to keep it from routinely derailing your work.

I find it helps a little if you can come to consider this as a modern form of Going On An Adventure. Good things will happen; bad things will happen; and all of these will be in service of building your career. Think of yourself as being on a quest.

Your job now becomes the business of suiting up with the best equipment and advice you can find (ideally not from outliers like me). The web is full of useful pages on subjects such as how to query and how to find an agent.

Here are links to some.

Compare these resources one against another to see how their different kinds of advice seem to stack up, and which ones are the most congenial for you.

Then use this data to start drawing your personal roadmap across the terrain. Get as clear as you can in your own mind about what you're trying to get out of being in this business: what kind of writing you want to do and what results you want to produce. Then set out, redrawing your road map as necessary as you keep moving forward through the new terrain.

And I wish you good fortune on the journey! (Because luck, as you can see from the above, can definitely be part of this... but fortune favors the prepared.)

Meanwhile, get out there and have a blast. :)

#writing #writing advice #fanfic #rejection

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shiny-kaibernyte · 4 months

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Can i get romance hcs for Kieran?

Ask and you shall receive! I have so many requests but I couldn't resist doing this one! Do hope I fit the bill for this one as Kieran is an, interesting character to write for 💜

Pokémon Headcannons | Kieran (Romance)

Pokémon Scarlett and Violet DLC Spoilers ahead!

Warnings: Possessive behaviour; obsession

SPOILER WARNING For Teal Mask and The Indigo Disk

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(Was gonna use one of his Teal mask mission photos but i love this one to much not to use it. Straight up mood.)

When you step into his life, it is you and you alone who rules his heart.

Kieran’s drive for things is strong, very strong. And when he sets his mind on something; he will never stop until he’s achieved whatever it is he’s after. So when he set eyes on you, his goal was to give his all to you. And hope you will give your all to him.

Your Agias and Kieran are like siblings, he's the quiet one, Agias is the give me your food or else one

He will never force you to do anything you don’t want to. After the Ogerpon situation, Kieran spiralled into a state where he no longer felt danger. He would dive into every challenge head first, fight every trainer, every Pokémon and climb the most dangerous of mountains if it meant he could be the best. But when he’s with you, he’ll dial it back. Always staying within your comfort zone, the last thing he wants is to push the most precious thing in his life away from him.

Gets jealous incredibly easily. ESPECIALLY if it's Drayton. The Rivalry between these two is uncanny, it would be no surprise if Kieran felt true hatred towards him for a time. Though it's gone now. The jealousy of even seeing Drayton standing close to you is overbearing.

You and Carmine are practically best friends. You're the glue that keeps the pair bonded together.. When you are around Carmine doesn’t feel afraid of Kieran as you bring out her little brother, the brother she thought was lost to obsession.

If you are a member of the BB League, he will be a lot sweeter for you. He may get frazzled when the rest of the group is around and everyone is slacking off. But he will always apologise to you if you tell him he’s gone too far. Never to the others however. Even if you force him to, he’ll never mean it.

Is not an outdoor person, even with the yelling and the confidence, deep down he is still the same shy, excitable boy who just needs a hug. So his ideal time with you is sitting together and watching movies, or reading books.

He is a listener. He will listen to you for however long you need him to. Every word you say he will listen.

He isn’t good with words, even after everything that happened with Ogerpon and Terapagos. So he tends to be a lot more handsy, always trying to hold your hand, your arm, or just you in general.

Speaking of that, when out in public together, he practically is stuck to you, he eyes glaring towards anyone who shows you any form of interest, hand on his Hydrapple’s Pokeball just in case they don’t take his death stare to literal.

He’s a cheek kisser, deep down he is still extremely shy and closeted, so kissing you on the lips can fluster him even when he's the champion, so he uses cheek kisses as his way of saying he loves you.

Hug him please. He will melt. This poor boy needs a break from everything.

If he was a ship, you are his lighthouse. If you were a tree, he is your roots. You both complete each other.

When Kieran begins his ‘redemption arc’ he tries to redeem his actions slowly though he doesn’t exactly know the best way around it. So he asks for your opinions on basically everything he does. Carmine attempts to give input but as sibling rivalries go, it falls upon deaf ears.

His Hydrapple loves you, almost as much as Kieran does. Almost.

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elains · 3 months

Text

Azriel's association with Enalius, what it means for his arc and Illyria

This is something me and my friends have talked about off tumblr, but I wanted to write my own post about it and gather my thoughts. But here, I'll discuss a bit Azriel's character and how the revelations we witness in House of Flame and Shadow will be important to his character. (+ a little bit of Emerie).

What do we know about Enalius? From ACOSF, Emerie provides us with a little exposition when they are in the Rite, when the Pass of Enalius is brought up:

Long ago—so long ago they don’t even have a precise date for it—a great war was fought between the Fae and the ancient beings who oppressed them. One of its key battles was here, in these mountains. Our forces were battered and outnumbered, and for some reason, the enemy was desperate to reach the stone at the top of Ramiel. We were never taught the reason why; I think it’s been forgotten. But a young Illyrian warrior named Enalius held the line against the enemy soldiers for days.

Now, from the Crescent City crossover, we learned that Truth-teller and Gwydion are twin blades. They are a pair. According to the Silene History Lesson, the dagger used to belong to her father's (Fionn's) dear friend, slain during the war. A bit later, when they find Vesperus, she confirms that this friend was Enalius:

The Asteri’s eyes flared with recognition at the long blade. “Did Fionn send you, then? To slay me in my sleep? Or was it that traitor Enalius? I see that you bear his dagger—as his emissary? Or his assassin?”

Immediately before that, she also confirms that the Asteri crafted (which can either mean created, shaped forged, but we are going with created) the Illyrians:

The Asteri’s blue eyes lowered to the dagger. “You dare draw a weapon before me? Against those who crafted you, soldier, from night and pain?”

From everything, we can conclude this: Enalius was the original wielder of Truth-teller before Fionn and Theia, a dear friend to Fionn, and someone who pulled the ultimate sacrifice to keep the Asteri/Daglan from reaching the top of Ramiel. He was a traitor to the Asteri, a rebel against his masters and everything they stood for.

Enalius is the hero most Illyrians strive to mimic, the legendary figure who they all hope to one day surpass. He's a symbol of their people, even if so much about him has been forgotten — the fact that he had a dagger, Fionn's friendship, what the battle was for, maybe even how he was as a person. Brave, for sure. Willing to die for the cause.

And it's Azriel who bears his dagger. Azriel, who has such a complicated relationship with his Illyrian heritage and loaths it - and by extension, himself - is the one with this enormous legacy right at this hand. And this matters.

Still in ACOSF, we have Rhys talking with Cassian and wanting him to play Courtier, the following exchange then follows:

“What, we’re doing some role reversal? Az gets to lead the Illyrians now?” “Don’t play stupid,” Rhys said coolly. Cassian rolled his eyes. But they both knew Azriel would sooner disband and destroy Illyria than help it. Convincing their brother that the Illyrians were a people worth saving was still a battle amongst the three of them.

Azriel hates the Illyrians for what happened to him and his mother and his dislike for them is, to a degree, understandable. The thing is that Azriel, no matter how much he loaths it, is Illyrian. Maybe he's more than that (as it's pointed that Az is different in a lot of ways and Bryce wonders if he is Starborn), but at heart, he's Illyrian. Siphons, leathers, fighting, being Carynthian, his wings, his scabbard and the dagger it holds.

It was healthy, perhaps, for Az to sometimes remember where he'd come from. He still wore the Illyrian leathers. Had not tried to get the tattoos removed. Some part of him was Illyrian still. Always would be. Even if he wished to forget it.

Being Illyrian is part of who he is and his deep hatred for them only fuel his self-loathing. He would like to set himself apart, but he is not.

We can actually draw a direct parallel between Azriel and Bryce with how they regard the Fae vs the Illyrians. Bryce loathes the Fae and for most of HoFaS, she believes they are evil, corrupt, power-hungry and quite generally, not worth saving. She would leave them all to burn. Sound familiar?

And Bryce is wrong. Sathia challenges her notion, pointing out that she's laying judgement to all fae and that is hardly fair. What the one who don't deserve it? Herself, yes, but Flynn, Declan, and Ruhn himself? Do they deserve to burn too? Bryce herself acknowledges this:

Urd had sent her there to see, even in the small fraction of their world that she’d witnessed, that Fae existed who were kind and brave. She might have had to betray Nesta and Azriel, trick them … but she knew that at their cores, they were good people. The Fae of Midgard were capable of more. Ruhn proved it. Flynn and Dec proved it. Even Sathia proved it, in the short time Bryce had known her.

And this part here sums up quite neatly:

Fire met starlight met shadows, and Bryce loosed herself on the world. It ended today. Here. Now. This had nothing to do with the Asteri, or Midgard. The Fae had festered under leaders like these males, but her people could be so much more.

There are Illyrians who are kind and brave and break the mold. We see this with Emerie, who is also a woman. We see that with Balthazar, Cassian. The main point stands, though, that you cannot judge or condemn an entire race for the bad apples.

Azriel is wrong, just as Bryce was wrong, and his journey will be also to realise that his people are worth saving. They were created of night and pain (words that Azriel embodies, being a master of shadows and a torturer), but that is not everything they need to be. They can be more than soldiers. They can thrive.

And I believe this was something Enalius himself came to the believe, long ago. His people deserved more than to be slaves to the Asteri, forced to give them their power when need be, bred to live and die for them. They could be more. And Enalius died to free his people from their chains.

Is Azriel Enalius's blooded descendant? I'm not sure, but he doesn't need to be. Azriel is Enalius successor because he will finish what was started. He'll uncover the secrets of the past, what his people were in truth, what Enalius rebelled for, what he stood for, what the Blood Rite truly means - which he only got a glimpse of.

And this is where I think Emerie will also come in. She's s one of ACOSF most relevant characters and the first female Illyrian to be Carynthian. I think Emerie will also become an inspirational figure to the Illyrian women, another of these what they coud be. What they can be. And more importantly and that is just a theory, what they were.

Orestes was a warrior. What if so was Carynth and she was woman? The name always struck me as similar to Carina, which is the name of a constellation and commonly used by women. It would be ironic and another shaking revelation to the Illyrians that Carynth, for whom their greatest warriors are named after, was a woman.

Does that mean all Illyrian women must become Valkyries? No, but some might wish to follow this path whilst their society takes its time to catch up. They already shook the status quo and with Nesta poised to have a big role (andthe Valkyries along her), they will continue to do so.

Azriel will uncovered the lost history of Vesperus offered him all the clues he needed to start looking. His journey to find out this secrets will lead to him facing his own demons, confronting his loathing for his people and, in doing so, he will make peace with himself.

#hofas spoilers #azriel #shout out to yaz for helping me fish the quotes #my meta #acotar #acosf #emerie #illyria

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neteyamslovrr · 1 year

Text

KXANI - pt4

summary: you have never fit in with the scientists, but on the night jake was lost in the forest so were you. staying with the people was your one true dream, yet when you are anything but welcome and jake get's to experience the people. you find yourself seeking comfort in tsu'tey

contents: 2.4k words, fem!avatar reader angst, lots of angst, reader is upset, tsu'tey is stupid, grace redemption arc, avatar 2009, tsu'tey not being as ooc LMAO

authors note: sorry it took so long y'all, ya girl has been working her ass off trying not to fail, also soz in advance for the angst. and if ur tag didn't work L idk how to fix that (i love u all)

all parts - next part

┌────── ⋆☆⋆ ──────┐

Jake woke from his link ready to harass you with a million questions. As the link pod opened he was already sitting up.

“Y/N! Are you going to explain why Tsu’tey was about to slit my throat cause of you?” Jake was wide-eyed and furious. He hopped himself back into his wheelchair so he could speak to you without yelling across the shuttle.

“What? What do you mean?” You were beyond confused. Tsu’tey did what? For you?

“He came up to me yelling about some shit! That I disrespected you and that I’d be better dead! Had his knife at me and everything!” Grace had walked into the commotion immediately taking action between you two yelling colleagues.

“Woah, woah, woah. Ok calm down before we lose another scientist.” She put her hands between the space between you and made space between the two of you.

“I didn’t tell Tsu’tey to do that! I have no idea why he acted like that.” Anxiety was cursing through your body as you switched between the fuming Jake and the confused Grace. Why did Tsu’tey do this? Was it to spite you? To get a rise out of Jake?

“You obviously told him something!” He exclaimed throwing his arms in the air. Grace looked at you for confirmation, but you were persistently shaking your head.

“No. No! I just talked about being a scientist. That’s all.” Jake scoffed at you as Grace’s features grew even more concerned.

“Oh yeah, because the life of a scientist is totally enough to be THREATENED BY A WARRIOR. For fuck sake Y/N!” You were cowering from the man below you, you wanted to escape desperately, his fierce glares and Grace’s pained ones were all too much.

“Enough. We have research to log. Hurry up. Go!” Grace pulled Jake’s chair away as she stared at you to walk away from Jake. And that’s exactly what you did.

Rushing to the bunk bed you shared with Norm you climbed up and planted harshly onto the rough sheets. Curling yourself up into a ball, you tried to slow down your fast breathing as thoughts were rapidly entering your mind. You had to ask Tsu’tey.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Rushing through Hometree you couldn’t find him anywhere. You had rummaged through ever crevice of the tree and you were left empty-handed.

Why would Tsu’tey do this? You understood he hated Jake, but you thought he’d at least be understanding. So why was he so adamant on ‘a dead Jakesully, is a good Jakesully.’ You had to understand his actions, you had to.

Your fast pace and concentrated look made the people give you a mountain of odd looks. You were growing frustrated, why was he nowhere to be seen?

Not being aware of your surroundings you ran headfirst into a firm body. There Neytiri stood looking down at you slightly as she tilted her head in confusion. “Why are you stomping around like a child?”

“Oh!...I’m looking for Tsu’tey, have you seen him?” Neytiri scanned the room before her eyes went back to you.

“I believe he’s at the river, not in his best mood.” Frowning at her comment, you wondered what had upset him so much.

“Thankyou.” Bowing at her before you started rushing through the forest. You didn’t intend on running there but it just seemed to occur as your breath grew shaky and your heart beat faster.

You had now learnt your way through the forest. The endless vegetation no longer taking you for a loop. Now you knew exactly how to get to the man you demanded answers from.

There he sat at the edge of the riverbed. He was calm, peaceful. He stared up into the sky letting out a relaxed sigh.

Watching silently a seed of the tree of souls landed on his shoulder, he watched as it flew in front of him turning his gaze into the direction of you, a frown growing on his face.

“Why are you here? Go back.” He flicked his hand as his voice rumbled, he sounded angry, it wasn’t like you heard before though, it was directly at you.

“I need to talk to you. I was looking everywhere” Your breath still shaky as you panted out your words etching closer to him. He grimaced at your state as he contemplated his response.

“You shouldn’t have.” It was sharp and hurtful. He meant to say it like that, but watching the way your relieved expression faltered into a hurt one pained him.

“Well…you shouldn’t have threatened Jake.” You didn’t imagine you would ever step up to the tall man in front of you. But recently you felt as if he was someone you could share your concerns with, even those concerning him.

“Who are you to question my actions demon.” His lanky arms crossed against his toned body as his stature grew taller. His presence becoming more intimidating as his nostrils flared in anger.

“You upset him Tsu’tey! And you upset me.” He faltered at your words, it was a split second your saw guilt in his eyes before it flashed away again. You had never seen him so upset, he was growing more and more irritated by the second. It felt as if you were getting whiplash compared to his affection towards you yesterday.

“Why should I care what a demon feels?” He felt pained, and so did you. His words were growing harsher as was his glare. You started to back away from him, regretting ever opening your mouth.

“Well… I thought that you might of cared about me.” It was a quiet confession. One that as soon as you let it out you wanted to take it back immediately. To Tsu’tey it felt like a blade stabbing him in his heart as it escaped your mouth. His harsh glare faltered once again as he blinked rapidly. He did care. Eywa, he cared so fucking much. That’s why he was doing this. He can’t let his heart overrule his mind.

“And why would I think that? You are a demon. Bringing nothing but destruction and death.” You felt yourself shrinking as you watched him etch closer and closer to you.

“then why did you go after Jake then? If you don’t care about me!” It felt as if your heart was a pane of glass that was smashed against the floor.

He had no excuse for his behaviour towards Jake. He was angry, he was angry at Jake for treating you badly. He took your words and used them as a weapon towards Jake. He was angry because he cared about you.

“Such a demon thing to think the world revolves around you!” His voice was booming, he was seeing red but not with anger, it was his heart bleeding. “Go back. You don’t belong here.”

He saw it on your face. The slow blink to get rid of your tears. The shake in your chest and the way your swallowed any words you might of retaliated back. He saw the way you looked at him with betrayal.

“What was yesterday then?” Your voice cracked as you stared up at the stone faced man.

“A mistake.” Your lips quivered as you sucked your cheeks. He felt that familiar pang, but it wasn’t a pang anymore. It was a thrash.

He watched you turn with such speed that you almost toppled over. He watched you leave as fast as you came. He heard your sobs rack through the forest as you walked further and further away.

Soon they were washed away by the sound of rain pouring down. A sound he would usually cherish as it calmed him. But it no longer felt calming, it was deafening.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Running back to Hometree you were tear-stricken. Your throat ached and so did your heart. You knew it was rich of you to assume he enjoyed your company, but it felt so nice to be appreciated.

Your disarray brought on the stares of hundreds including Grace’s. While she may have not been the kindest to you and she was aware of that. She was also aware how she underestimated you and dismissed you as your contributions were nothing compared to Jake’s. Yet, this morning she realised just how much she had underestimated you. You had cracked open the shell of Tsu’tey and she respected you for it.

So, when she saw you dishevelled, she couldn’t deny her concern.

“Y/N? What the hell happened?” Her fingers gripped onto your shoulder to bring you back down.

“Nothing. I just…I am alright.” She gave you the look.

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“NO! No. Please just let me go.” Grace sighed giving you a pat on the back.

“C’mon kid, somethings bothering you.”

“Why would you care? You never did before?” Grace knew this was coming. She knew that she also deserved it.

“You’re crying. That’s why.” You scoffed at her, swatting her hand off you.

“I don’t need your pity. I just wanted your acknowledgement. And…the one person who was giving me that, has decided it was a mistake. So, I’d just appreciate if you don’t make that ‘mistake’ either.”

“Are you talking about Tsu’tey?” Grace was growing more concerned, she didn’t even realise the two of you had developed a special bond.

“I’ll see you in the lab, Dr. Augustine.” You spat at her, venom dripping off your tongue as you rushed off in the same direction you came, apologising to the people you had barged into in your fit of despair.

What had you done to deserve this? Were you truly unworthy of friendship? Were you imagining all those moments with Tsu’tey. The intimate silences, the small touches, the deep conversations and the concern he had for you. Where had they gone? Did he hit his head the night before?

Or maybe it was just as he said. You were a parasite. Maybe he never felt any of those things, you just took them from him. Was this all that you were? A parasite in a fake body.

But this body was most dear to you. You felt so connected to the people and the nature. What if it was just to Tsu’tey. Had you been greedy? Been like every other sky-person and taken this worlds beauty for your own benefit.

Tears fell as you were consumed by your thoughts. You were so conflicted. How did you belong nowhere? Not with humans, not with Na’vi and not with anyone.

Disrupted from your thoughts you heard two voices in the distance. Rushing to hide up in a tree you saw the bodies of the voices.

There was Jake and Neytiri, walking close together, talking as they planned there hunt. You watched the way they grazed upon each other. The way they would look at each other so lovingly, sharing giggles and touches. Waves of jealously crashed upon you.

You watched them both and couldn’t help but imagine it was you and Tsu’tey. That it was you two sharing glances and loving touches.

Your heart ached as you continued to watch them from afar. Your throat was tight the more they bonded, the more they loved. The ache in your heart was strong, the sting in your eyes was harsh as your fists were clenched.

At one point your feelings overtook you, because you were no longer fixated on the couple in front of you but the quiet words that left Neytiri’s mouth. “A clean kill…you are ready.”

You watched the two share a look, a look of knowing and a look of accomplishment. You couldn’t help but feel your chest thrash, he was ready?

Jake was becoming Omaticaya while you are being thrown out by the future Olo’eyktan. This wasn’t fair! This wasn’t right! Your mind was foggy, and your heart stung. You had to leave. You couldn’t stay watching him succeeded right in front of you.

Leaving quietly, you returned to Hometree to lay in your hammock. You had enough of this day, it was best if you could just end it now.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Tsu’tey laid in his hammock wide awake. The ache in his heart hadn’t gone way like he thought it would. He couldn’t love a demon, what would that make him? A traitor to his kind.

But the way you smiled, the way you cheered at the most minute things, the way you continued to love everything about him while he gave you nothing in return. He didn’t deserve the kindness you had bestowed upon him.

He longed for you. He longed to hold you and tell you he was sorry. That he confronted Jake because he was angry for you. That it was never a mistake, he loved every minute with you.

He wanted you so badly that it ached. That his heart felt bruised in your absence. Tsu’tey couldn’t help but think of your soft fingers wrapped around his torso. He couldn’t help but dream of that flight with you. He couldn’t help but mourn that it was the last time he’d ever feel your touch, or feel your love.

It was his own doing. He pushed you away. But he craved your touch and he craved your smile. He craved every single part of you, but he can’t have you.

He can’t feel this way. He is not allowed to feel this way. He has a mate, he has a duty, and he has people to serve. A demon can’t take that from him no matter how much he wanted that demon.

The sobs of your broken heart rung in his ears as he tried to fall asleep, but they didn’t escape him. He just wanted to forget this. Forget you.

He knew that you were hurting. He knew that the sky-people also hurt you just like they hurt him. He knew that he hurt you too.

He knew that you longed to be a Omaticaya, that you wanted nothing more to be able to provide and be useful.

He could see it in the way you paid attention to every syllable that exited his mouth. It was admirable how much you wanted to provide. He saw himself in you the way you wanted to serve. It made him recoil in on himself.

To be similar to a demon like you. But you weren’t a demon. Eywa, you were a beauty, a kind soul, the purest of spirits. You reminded him of a sacred seed. But you couldn’t be, and you would never be.

You weren’t Navi, you weren’t one of the people. You never could be with the way he wanted you.

└────── ⋆☆⋆ ──────┘

tags/closed: @koolaidmanscaresme @suntizme @forestcottage @avatarlover21 @mechformers @jennielune @dilfs-bitch @simplefools @merla123 @awkward-halfhug @atwow699 @scarlettisconfusedd @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @elegantkidfansoull @tarrynightss @randxmthxughts @ronalsgirl @gardenofvows @zitarcis @i-thirsty-boii @lin0leum @lovekeehoo @notyurdad @supercoolusernamesblog @cupidddd-d @im-in-a-pansexual-panikanik @saltedcoffeescotch @jakesullysslutttt @valentineheartzz @eywas-heir @perilous-pasta @fanboyluvr @asd3ku @atsukiswrld @moonpie3000 @coffeeaddictednymph @anangelwhodidntfall @snips-501 @dangerouslittlefairy @chaos-in-person @rebeccao03 @adaydreamaway08 @jellybeanstacey0519 @graykageyama @aracelikara

(sorry if i didn't get u, or if it didn't work)

reblogs + replies appreciated!! i'll give u a big ole smooch and a imaginary teddy bear

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