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ettawritesnstudies · 11 months

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Thank You

If you’ll permit me a minute to be cliche: this photo would not have been possible without you. When I started university in August 2019, the sum of all my author-y potential measured up to:

No finished manuscripts

A pipe dream of ever publishing my work

A scatterbrained outline of The Laoche Chronicles

Forty-four phone notes full of half-witted ideas

A grand total of 3 followers on my brand-new tumblr account

At the time, I had no grand plans of marketing my work, though I knew it would be necessary if I ever wanted an audience. I chose a degree in chemical engineering because I knew my baby platform and half finished stories weren’t going to cut it as a career in their current state as an 18-year-old, and I needed to have a day job if I wanted to pursue my end dream of self publishing. I was just hoping to survive my first year of engineering school, pass my weed-out classes, and hopefully make some new friends. That fall semester passed with sporadic progress on my book, and halfhearted attempts at breaking into the writeblr community, until I decided to try my hand at Inktober and made my first few acquaintances: @siarven and @abalonetea, who have both featured on this blog since then. It was also at this point, sometime during a Calculus III lecture, that I invented my pen name:

All was going well, and I was pleased with my incremental progress until the world ended.

The less said about the pandemic, the better. Writeblr truly kept me sane through working full-time jobs and taking 18 credit hours during the semester. When I was truly close to dropping out of school, I kept going, knowing I had these online friends to cheer me up after brutal exams and long nights of studying. The tag games and community filled the dearth of interaction left by quarantine and an insane schedule. During my summer internship in 2020, I finally had the time to finish the first draft of Storge and the confidence in myself to start a website. Rereading my first post is a surreal experience, in part because I still see myself as a little kid as hiding under the blankets with a flashlight, notebook, and pen, thinking “I wanna write a book!”

I woke up the next day crying to the sheer volume of kind messages congratulating me on meeting this milestone. Instead of feeling burnt out after reaching such a lofty goal, this gave me all the more energy to keep working. Since then, I’ve been so blessed to grow this community and this website. It’s incredible to see how far I’ve come, now being able to claim:

A finished manuscript of Storge

A 3rd draft of Runaways after going through 2 rounds of Beta Readers

8 short stories and an audio drama

An active mailing list

Over 1000 followers on tumblr, but more importantly, a thriving community of writers who support each other’s releases through ARCs, leaving reviews, enthusiastic questions, and a welcoming space for new writers to share their craft.

140 posts on my website and regular readers who care about my ramblings ❤

Now I’m on my way to my new job – I’ll be doing research and development in my chosen field with a team I really like, and the freedom to listen to books while I’m in the lab. This next month will still be a hiatus for blog posts and new writing as I pack up my life for a cross-states move, but I’m beyond excited to enter change. My hope is that I can start saving for editing costs and devote more time to my craft thanks to a 9-5 schedule and NO!!! HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!! Really, I cannot say enough how thrilled I am to never have to take another exam ever again, thank GOD. With a bit of luck and no small amount of grace, I hope I can publish and share my stories with you sooner rather than later.

Thank you for all the support and camaraderie these past years. In a way, I owe this diploma to you as much as to my classmates and professors. The night before graduation, I said to my friends, “I’ve been waiting for tomorrow for eight years.” Now I’m living in the future, and I can’t wait to write the next chapter.

#etta rambles #graduation

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graziadiocenterilpostino · 2 months

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Alumni Spotlight: Alessandro Russo

1. What first piqued your interest in the Italian language and why did you decide to get an MA in Italian Studies?

My parents immigrated from Naples, Italy and our regional language Neapolitan was always spoken in the house, among my parents, grandmother, siblings, and aunts. Although not standard Italian, this imbued within me a strong connection to Italy and an interest in knowing more about the country of my ancestors, especially during my teenage and early adult years. I began immersing myself in Italian music, films, magazines, and books to familiarize myself with Italian culture and develop an ear for standardized Italian. I also took my first college courses in beginning and intermediate Italian at local colleges to enhance my knowledge of Italian language and culture. I worked in the public sector for many years afterwards and was not able to formally study Italian though I continued to engage with anything Italian including making friends and acquaintances with other Italians and Italian Americans. It wasn’t until I began attending Cal State Long Beach and spoke to Dr. Carlo Chiarenza who encouraged me to change my major to Italian. Soon after I met with Dr. Clorinda Donato who heard my spoken Italian and immediately boosted my confidence that I could pursue an Italian BA. Dr. Donato changed my major that day and that is when I seriously began to study Italian Language, Culture and Literature more in-depth. When Dr. Donato became the George L. Graziadio Chair of Italian Studies, she hired me to be her assistant. At the time, the MA in Italian Studies did not yet exist though Dr. Donato had been working very hard on a proposal to create the program. I played a small part in assisting her during the process. She gave me the awesome responsibility of helping create the survey piece and writing its executive summary which was included in the final proposal. The MA in Italian Studies became a reality in Fall 2014 and I immediately enrolled. I was the second graduate of the program. All thanks to the extraordinary professors who mentored and encouraged me which include Dr. Clorinda Donato, Dr. Enrico Vettore, Dr. Carlo Chiarenza and Dr. Pasquale Palmieri.

2. You are Italian-American, do you have friends and family in Italy that you visit or speak with often?

I have a vast network of relatives and friends in Italy that I communicate with often and visit as often as I can. The largest of which is my mother’s side as she was the only member of her family to immigrate to the United States. My cousins and their spouses along with my three siblings have a WhatsApp group where we often talk to each other. It helps keep the family close even if far away. I also have connections to more distant relatives on my father’s side with whom I stay connected. This includes my second cousin who I have vacationed with often and whose home I stay in when I’m in Italy. While pursuing my MA in Italian Studies we had a Visiting Fulbright Scholar Dr. Pasquale Palmieri with whom I developed a friendship. I was also able to attend his wedding in Caserta, Italy in 2018.

3. You currently work at CSU Long Beach for the Economics department, what kind of work do you do there?

My title is Administrative Analyst/Specialist so I’m basically the operational manager for the department. I handle most all aspects of the administrative functions of the department. My responsibilities include fiscal spending and budgeting, faculty travel, classroom scheduling, curriculum submissions (new and updates) including catalog updates, hiring of lecturers and student employees, assisting with tenure-track faculty searches and collection and maintenance of department materials and data, to name a few. We staff members are like the spokes on a wheel that provides the support and stability for the campus to run 365 days a year.

4. What has been your fondest memory at CSU Long Beach so far (as a student or staff member)?

I have so many fond memories as both a student and a staff member. However, if I have to pick one it would be the last day of my master’s degree comprehensive exams. This was the day of the oral examination where I was interviewed by Dr. Donato and Dr. Vettore on what I had written during the two-day comprehensive exams. The oral exam had just finished and they asked me to step out in the hallway. I was so nervous and practically jumping out of my skin when another faculty member walked by and saw how anxious I appeared. This other faculty member told me not to worry and that I will be called any minute back into the room. At that moment, Dr. Vettore peered out of the room and solemnly asked me back into the room while gesturing with his finger. I apprehensively walked into the room as Dr. Donato threw her hands up and exclaimed “Congratulazioni!!” and Dr. Vettore smiled and said “Alessandro Russo virgola M.A.!” (Alessandro Russo comma M.A.). I breathed a sigh of relief and a feeling of profound pride and accomplishment came over me. I was so happy to have shared that moment with two of the professors I hold in such high regard. As I left the room all the pent up nervous energy was lifted and I was floating on cloud nine. I immediately called my family to tell them the good news.

5. What is something unique about yourself that you would like to share?My family often asks me to sing Neapolitan songs at parties, especially at weddings. My dad had always been the go-to for singing at family functions where he would belt out songs like “’O Sole Mio” or “Torna ‘a Surriento”. When my family discovered I could hold a tune like my dad, I inadvertently took his place after his passing. I’m often joined by all my cousins as I lead into “’O Sole Mio” though I prefer “’O Surdato ‘Nnammurato” or subtle ballads such as “Reginella” . I am very proud of my “napoletanità” that I have always immersed myself in the language, history, culture and traditions of my ancestors. So much so that I have involved myself in genealogy and discovered that my great grandfather Raffaele Russo was a Bersagliere (member of the Italian army infantry corps) during The Capture of Rome on September 20, 1870 that was the final event of the unification of Italy (Risorgimento) and around 1820 his grandfather Giuseppe Russo (my 3rd great-grandfather) was a royal horseman for Ferdinand II of Bourbon, King of the Two Sicilies. My family roots run very deep in Naples.

Alessandro Russo

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celestialpotat0 · 10 months

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july begins

When i last wrote in here, i was sad having had to leave the tahoe area knowing that it might possibly be my last trip into the mountains this summer. last chance to experience beautiful wilderness in all of summer's glory. and i ended my reflection with how i needed to turn to appreciating small, everyday occurrences.

so in the spirit of cherishing the ordinary life on the peninsula, away from my friends and family in socal, away from the frequent fun adventures of my 20s, and not being able to travel bc of working more than 40hrs a week lol, wanted to jot down favorite moments from last few weeks:

thinh's fourth of july bbq party at her house on 7/3. woke up the next day after the party with a headache from not drinking enough water the night before, i fail. it's been a cold summer, like why is it freezing outside at night in july. but i enjoyed meeting nice people, karaokeing was a blast, and am really happy to have such a wonderful person as a friend. we work at different hospitals but can relate in many ways. i've always considered summer to be full of events that break up the monotony of the rest of the year, and i'm happy this felt like that. instead of the new normal adulting summer when im no longer graduating anything or celebrating the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next

on 7/4 we went to a college campus on a hill and were able to see fireworks from foster city, redwood city, shoreline amphitheater, and more

dinner and drinks with lauren, doris, and chloe. it hasnt been easy leaving behind my friends in socal and moving to a new area; during the first part of my time here, there were occasions when i cried feeling lonely. ive really made an effort to use dance as a means to feel connected to others. you cant just expect friends to happen, you have to put in the work to build a community of support. i'm grateful to have found some ladies who share a love of dance. i like that we all come from different occupations and grew up in different parts of the world but can bond over participating in this art.

swam outdoors on a hot day in a 25-meter pool. free of electronics for an hour, just focused on each breath and motion to propel me through the water

moved into a new apartment. the novelty in and of itself is enough to make me happy, which says questionable things about me such as to what extent have i fallen victim to consumerism. at my previous apartment i never fully unpacked. i had plastic bags of stuff strewn haphazardly in bathroom cabinets. i kept prioritizing other things in my life over organizing my bathroom, closet, and pantry. but now everything in the bathroom is exactly where i want it to be. my small victory is so satisfying: unpacked and organized the bathroom completely. im not going to allow myself to travel until i fully organize the apartment this time.

I feel like it's the beginning of a new phase in the bay area. im getting more accustomed to work, and my commute is short now. i have a good amount of PTO planned. now have a list of activities that have been discussed to do with friends and the only problem is lack of free time--and lack of time is a better problem to have than lack of people who are willing to do them with you. im currently on a hiatus from scheduled dance, and for the time being im dancing only on a drop-in basis, which has actually been a huge sigh of relief; it's been good for my mental health to have less commitments on my plate. now my days off are actually days off where i can choose to dance if i want. while it's extremely rewarding to dance, not having any true days off (bc i would always have dance scheduled and mandatory on my days off from work) was detrimental and making me burnt out. in this new phase, i want to expect to travel less and say no more often and reserve time on my days off to be truly off.

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snowmaniaph · 1 year

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Fighting Spirit!: Abe Ryohei

As the captain of “~Miracle 9”, my fighting spirit lights up when we are competing against the team led by Arita (Teppei)-san. Before I became the captain, my mindset was “It’s an honor to be allowed to be in this place”, but I was slowly able to take on Arita-san who always challenged others. Arita-san is very talented in stimulating people, that’s why I can relax and show my fighting spirit within the limits of the variety show! But I probably haven’t experienced feeling my fighting spirit burn in my usual state. If I say I don’t have rivals, it’s because I really don’t have anyone like that, but I could probably say that everyone who has an effect on me can be called a rival.

I fight myself during my days off! While there is one part of me that wants to study, take care of my body, and go to the salon to better myself; of course, there is also the lazy part of me who whispers “Don’t you want to take it easy sometimes?” (bitter laugh). During those times, seeing a person working hard makes me think “Ah! I’ll work hard too!” and their presence becomes an encouragement to me. On that note, I think we shouldn’t use the word “rivals” to describe Snow Man’s relationship with SixTONES.

Personally, the aspect I don’t want to lose to anyone is probably studying. If, for example, there’s a ranking of “Who in Johnny’s is the best at studying?” then I want to be number 1. I like studying, and, because I experienced having a hard time when I was taking exams, I also want to use that as a weapon. An additional live performance was scheduled after my graduation ceremony from graduate school, but I bowed my head to the members and to a lot of people and was allowed to attend the graduation ceremony. I caused them a lot of trouble until then and I know I’m being unreasonable but I still said “This will be the last time”. I’m really grateful from the bottom of my heart that I was allowed to do both my studies and entertainment work, and though I still don’t have a concrete plan, I want to be in a position where I can support and care for students taking exams.

Source: Potato 04/2022

#snowman #snow man #abe ryohei #translations #johnnys #ryohei abe

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peace-coast-island · 2 years

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Diary of a Junebug

Midnight musings at Astra Park

Listening to musicians performing in Astra Park at night really brings back memories. I’m instantly taken back to my college years when I felt restless and bored but at the same time not in the mood to really do anything. I found myself drawn to the activity at the park so I decided to take a look, especially since this area’s pretty safe at night. Then I found myself mindlessly walking around the park, enjoying the music and just taking it slow. It doesn’t sound like much but I found it helpful, especially when my mental state wasn’t in the best place.

I’ve been in Astra for a couple days for camp related reasons so I thought it was the perfect opportunity to catch up with some old friends. Nathan and I have been doing good on our promise to keep in touch more often and with his schedule clearing up a bit, he’s hoping to drop by the camp sometime in the near future, hopefully bringing his sister along too.

Lana and Bibi were visiting town too so that was a nice surprise. They both are acquainted with Nathan so that’s how they know each other. In fact, part of the reason why Lana’s here is because they’re helping out a friend whose going through some drastic changes. I vaguely remember that friend, as in I met her a handful of times in the past so we’re not complete strangers and I am somewhat aware of her situation from what she posts on social media.

Claire was an unexpected surprise because if I remember correctly, she hasn’t lived around the area for years. She’s actually here for work, which happens to be her first time back in a long time. I’m honestly surprised that she still remembers me and Nathan since we didn’t really keep in touch often. I’m glad to hear that she and the girls are doing well.

I’ve been hearing about Emily and Caleb’s situation for a while since they decided to go public with their story through Lana. Basically, what happened was that they are in the process of getting custody of Emily’s brother Liam, who is disabled and has been neglected by his stepmother. Emily had mentioned that her family fell apart when her mother died while pregnant with Liam and that put a strain on her relationship with her stepfather. Even though they did kinda reconcile, their relationship was never the same again and they really only kept things civil for Liam’s sake.

From how it sounds, Emily’s relationship with her stepfather is very complicated. She said she was close to him as her biological father died when she was a baby. But then things changed when her parents decided to try to have a second child despite the risks and it almost became sort of an obsession to them. Emily was supportive but as time went on she said she couldn’t help but have a bad feeling about it. After spending about five years trying, her mother finally got pregnant and it was viable so things were finally looking bright. And then it all went down when her mother died from a blood clot in her brain and without consulting Emily, her stepfather opted to keep her alive through machines until Liam was able to survive.

Obviously that brought up a lot of conflicted feelings, most which never really went away even after Liam was born. By then Emily graduated high school and because of the unfortunate circumstances, college was not an option at the time so she and Caleb moved in together, which gave her some much needed distance from her family. A couple years later her stepfather married - likely because he got her pregnant, Emily speculates - and it wasn’t a happy marriage. Looking back she said she should’ve suspected something when her stepfather pretty much told her to kinda stay out because his wife didn’t like the fact that she was spending a lot of time with Liam.

Though Emily and Liam still kept in touch - mainly secretly - eventually they too became distant for various reasons. Emily and Caleb studied in Astra while the parents, according to Liam, became more strict and controlling towards him while favoring his younger brother. Then Emily received word that her stepfather died so she tried to contact Liam, only to be brushed off by the wife. So she turned to Lana for help and coincidentally that’s how Liam ended up going to Emily and Caleb.

From there, Emily, Caleb, Lana, and Nathan found out a lot more, most of it not so happy. Basically the parents were emotionally abusive towards Liam with his father often guilt tripping him - his death being the ultimate fuck you kind of thing according to Liam - and even withholding his meds if they had a disagreement while his stepmother was pretty much apathetic. As for his brother, they don’t get along at all. Emily and Caleb met him a few times and he’s left a bad impression on them - one that stuck out in particular was the kid being straight up rude to a waiter after finding out they were new at their job and proceeded to bully them for some reason. Around the time his father died, social services were keeping a close eye on them because Liam was having problems at school that the parents refused to address.

It really is a pretty shitty situation so it’s a good thing that Liam got the hell out of there when he did. Emily said she felt guilty for not being able to do more, which is understandable. But at the same time, from how it sounds, she couldn’t have known how bad it was, especially since it seems like her stepfather deliberately kept her at a distance. Liam had also said he doesn’t hold it against Emily since he too kinda contributed to that by keeping quiet because he didn’t want to burden her as well as being afraid of what would happen if his father found out. Overall, it was a very complicated situation so regardless of what could have been done or not, it doesn’t really matter.

Right now, Emily and Caleb are in the process of getting custody, which surprisingly has been going smoothly. That’s only because the stepmother was pretty much like you can have him, plus the fact that she might be facing jail time as she had been evading social services since her husband’s death. As for that, it’s a whole different thing that probably shouldn’t be unpacked so let’s just leave it at that. So while things are looking better now, there’s still a lot to be dealt with.

The biggest issue is that Liam seems to be under the impression that being with Emily and Caleb will automatically make most of his problems go away, which is obviously not true. He’s basically at this mindset where he’s aware that he’s not okay but at the same time kinda in denial because it’s hard to deal with, especially if you don’t know how. Given his upbringing, it makes sense and it’s no wonder he has so many issues. In other words, it’s gonna take more than a bunch of counseling sessions to help him out, which is why Emily and Caleb are reaching out to people like Lana and Nathan.

So far, they’ve gained access to resources they never thought to consider and so that’s been super helpful. Emily and Caleb, from what I gather, are the kind of people who had it rough but with time they eventually come to terms with their past in a way that helps them live their lives without being burdened. It hasn’t been easy and they consider themselves lucky to have found each other when they needed someone the most. I’m really happy for them, to be able to pull through when it seems like all hope is lost, and now to be able to reach out and help someone in need - it really does give me hope.

I think what gets to me the most is that Emily, Caleb, Lana, and Nathan all came from a similar position and that’s what fuels them to help others out. They’ve had difficult pasts that they managed to survive and they basically came out of it with the mindset that they had it really rough so they want to do something so no one else would suffer through the pain they did. It sounds kinda idealistic and definitely easier said than done but I think as long as you put in the effort, it is possible. Obviously you can’t always play hero and help everyone but it’s the little things that count and those little things will build up over time. It’s not easy being that kind of person so all the more respect to them for being able to put in the effort to be able to become someone like that.

It was nice catching up with Claire after all these years. Life has thankfully been quiet for the most part for her, which is for the best. She still keeps in touch with Matt from time to time and even though they’re not close, they’re still a part of each other’s lives to some extent. Like most dysfunctional relationships, it’s super complicated, so it’s best to maintain a healthy distance if cutting them off completely isn’t really an option.

I still don’t think Matt’s a bad person but he has a bad habit of burning bridges by setting too high expectations and expecting everyone and everything to cater to him. I’m serious when I say that I think he needs help, as in not just therapy but like a serious life overhaul. Claire’s done her best but she can only put in so much, especially when all she does is give while Matt keeps taking without much consideration. I think part of the reason why she’s still by his side to some extent is because he has no one else and that’s sad.

While catching up with Claire, we somehow got on the topic of other people from the past. Claire mentioned running into Tanner a couple days ago and he’s doing well. His stepfather Mike is a professor at Spectrum Falls and for the most part he’s just an ordinary guy who somehow got caught up in messy relationships. I kinda know him through other friends and they all are just as baffled as to how someone like him managed to get caught up in some of the most batshit drama and yet come out pretty much unscathed.

For starters, Mike has five kids - three of them are biological, the other two adopted. If I recall correctly the oldest, Anna, was from a short marriage, basically like barely out of high school. Tanner is his stepson from his second marriage, which was Tanner’s mother’s sixth marriage. No one knows why they married and it seems like they’re afraid to ask. Anyway, Tanner has a sister who apparently is a brat - taking after his mother according to him, which is why they never talk to each other. The marriage was bad but Tanner liked Mike so much that when they split, he opted to stay with Mike and Anna while his mother and sister peaced out. Over the years they rarely hear from them, which he considers a good thing.

Then in a short time, three more kids were added into the mix. That itself was strange. Basically there was some sort of love affair involving this strange lady named Audree. At the time she was seeing Matt and Mike secretly while with her longtime on and off boyfriend. I’ve heard interesting but mostly baffling things about Audree so yeah. The whole thing fell apart when Audree became pregnant with triplets. Two of them - they’re considered twins - Davey and Carley, are fathered by Mike. The third one is Matthew, named after his father and he’s raised by Mike because Audree pretty much dumped the responsibility on him. Drama went down and Audree eventually skipped town, never to be heard from again.

Despite how weird and bizarre it all sounds, the Edwards are a pretty normal family. The weird stuff isn’t really something they keep secret - kinda like a fun fact haha sorta thing - so they’ve accepted it as such. It’s just one of those things you acknowledge but don’t question too much. It’s weird but it is what it is and besides, the fucked up things that happened in the past doesn’t really affect them at all so they don’t find it a big deal. If anything, it just adds some spice, if that makes sense. Still, it is pretty funny when you think about it.

I don’t know why I should be surprised that I feel nostalgic when visiting Astra. Like it’s pretty much a given whenever I’m there, even more so when I’m catching up with old friends. Claire and Emily are hoping to drop by the camp too after hearing about it so that’d be nice. Maybe I’ll be able to catch up with Tanner and his siblings someday too - the only one I really keep in touch with is Carley because of her association with Falling Star.

The saying about the more things change the more they stay the same too often comes to mind. Astra itself I don’t think has changed too much while the people there definitely have.

During the day I’m hanging out and catching up as well as exploring familiar places. Then at night to wind down I find myself back at the park strolling aimlessly while listening to street performers. Even though I’m not the same person I was years ago, the feeling of being at the park still feels the same, except maybe I feel a little more certain and at peace with where I am in life.

It’s always strange being back at an old place, that unusual feeling of something being familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The best way I can put it is that it’s unsettling, not in a bad way, but in a way that you’re too aware of something going on and that makes you overthink everything. The way I see it, I don’t think it’s good to dwell too much on it and just accept it as is.

The past can be a weird place, that’s all I have to say about it.

#animal crossing #animal crossing pocket camp #Diary of a Junebug #headcanon ramble

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missnoeme · 2 years

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How am I doing now.

There exists no general timeline and deadline for everyone. Each person moves at his own phase and speed. It doesn’t matter when and where you start, what matters is that you get where you intend to go with no regrets for every single decision you make along the way.

I graduated from college when I was twenty years old, but it wasn’t until I turned twenty-one when I landed my first full time job. It was a good paying job, and the benefits were great. Through it I was able to travel to different parts of the country to visit places I never even imagined I would be able to visit. I learned so much and grew so much for the one year and eight months that I have been with that company. I enjoyed being there, but I felt like I could do more. I was full of pride and ambition and so even when I barely have time for myself, I decided to enroll into law school.

Law school gave me headaches, heartaches, disappointments, financial loss, and the biggest life lesson I now carry in my heart and soul. Law school humbled me in a way no one or no situation has done. My first semester was spent crying myself to sleep thinking that no matter what I do I will never be enough. I love being in law school for it paved the way in making me a better human being and so with the support of my family I decided to quit from my job and become a full-time student.

For two years I did nothing but study. My family has never really pressured me to find a job, never did they also compared me to other students who were able to balance school and work but being a free loader has made me feel guilty.

Back when I was still working, it felt like I have the world on my feet. I can afford everything my heart desires, but now I can’t even buy my own pen. I had to go home to the main house and ask for money just for a pen because I don’t even have a single peso to my name. It sucked. It made me feel like I am on the deepest part of the society.

I am now twenty-four years old and have just started working again after two years. I work two jobs-full time and part time. Being a content editor for Reed Elsevier is my full-time job where I work from six in the morning to two in the afternoon, and my part time job is as an English consultant for iTutor Group. My part time job is a booking system so I can work anytime I want but I decided to dedicate at least two to three hours of my day so I would have a steady income. I am now in my third year in law school and is about to start my apprenticeship this summer. My body is finding it hard to adjust to my new schedule, but I know that I’ll get used to it soon.

Life is quite difficult for me as of the moment as I have just started and am yet to receive my salary from both my part time and full time jobs. I have my tuition, bills, and debts to pay. I am grateful that I have my aunt’s support, but I am also aware that I cannot rely on her forever so although my body is about to crash, I have no choice but to keep on working hard.

I will be thirty in six years, but I have just started getting back on my feet. I feel a little ashamed by the fact that most of the people my age has already reached so far while I’m still taking baby steps. But I also know that they did not live the same life I lived and so there shouldn’t be any reason for me to feel bad for only making it to two steps from the starting line while they’re halfway to the finish.

We are distinct, we move at our own phase. For you and me, it’s different.

#race #life #finish line #working student #phase #hard #jobs #shame #guilt #motivation #support

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ilovefandoms102 · 3 years

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The Worst Vacation

Pairing: Drew Starkey x Plus Size Reader

Summary: Your boyfriend surprises you on your vacation with your work friends...

Note: Inspired by my trip to AZ which was terrible so this is kind of based off real events that happened to me but dramatized for the story, and of course inserting my baby daddy Drew😛.

Click here to be apart of my taglist

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Life works in funny ways…

I never expected to find the love of my life a little over a year ago. Drew came unexpectedly into my life and we instantly had a connection. I know, I know...sounds extremely cliche, but it’s the truth.

Although our relationship was mostly long distance, we made it work. Sure it was really hard sometimes not having him around, but once I graduated from college we planned on moving in together. It might seem a bit fast since we have only been together a year, but I’m ready and I know Drew’s the one I want to spend forever with.

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I go on vacation with a girl I work with every year, Sally, since I started working with her two years ago. This year, we chose to go to Arizona. I was super excited because we had also planned on going to Las Vegas and Los Angeles.

Drew was extremely supportive and was happy that I was getting the opportunity to travel. I was hesitant with wanting to go at first because I had wanted to save up enough money to visit Drew while he was filming.

However, we both agreed his schedule was too hectic at the time and that we wouldn’t be able to properly spend time with each other. We were both disappointed, but still I was excited to go with my friend.

Or so I thought…

The trip was slowly turning into a disaster, everything that could have gone wrong did. My friend had brought along her niece, Caroline, which I didn’t mind despite not knowing her very well. It felt like the trip was mainly focused on them and I was just there to be the chauffeur.

I called Drew the first three nights of my stay crying because they were so awful to me. Drew being the sweet man he is offered to pay for a flight home, but I declined. I already had spent too much money to not finish out the trip.

“But sweetheart, if you’re not having a good time there’s no point in being there.” Drew pressed, his handsome face lighting up my phone screen.

“I know honey, but I’ve already spent a thousand dollars for this trip. I can’t just come home and leave them here.” I sighed, snuggling further into what would be my bed for another 10 dreadful days.

“I’ll give you the money back angel, I just don’t want you to be miserable when this is supposed to be a relaxing trip.” Drew insisted.

“I’m not taking your money Drew you spoil me enough.” I smiled, wishing more than anything he was lying here with me so I could kiss his cute face.

“I always want to spoil you baby, you mean the world to me.” he professed, grinning widely afterwards.

“I miss you so much,” I whispered, my heart aching to feel his strong arms around me.

“I miss you more,” he whispered back, pouting his lips slightly.

We talked until one of us fell asleep only to call back the next morning. My friends even had the nerve to comment on how much I talked to him.

“It’s a little obsessive...I mean you guys have been together for what a year?” Sally condescended, narrowing her eyes at me.

“Yeah? So what?” I questioned, the annoyance clear in my tone.

“I’m just saying it’s weird.” she scoffed, crossing her arms behind her head as we laid out in the sun by our pool.

“It’s weird for me to talk to my boyfriend?” I asked, making sure I was extra sarcastic.

“Every second of the day...yeah.” she chuckled, making my blood boil even higher.

I chose to be the bigger person however, and just kept to myself.

=====================================

The 5th day of my vacation, I hadn’t heard from Drew the whole day. It worried me, but I was also thinking about what Sally said. Maybe I was being clingy…

A knock on the door startled me from my thoughts. I thought maybe one of the girls had ordered food or something, so I opened the door and my mouth dropped open.

“Hi baby,” Drew greeted, my eyes watering from pure joy.

“Drew! What are you doing here?!” I asked excitedly, throwing myself in his arms.

“I came to see my baby,” he mumbled into my cheek, placing a gentle kiss on the red skin from being in the sun.

“Are you actually fucking kidding me?!” Sally exclaimed from behind us.

“Well nice to meet you too.” Drew mumbled sarcastically while letting go of me but not completely.

“Chill Sally, he’s just here a few days.” I huffed, rolling my eyes as I turned to face her.

“This is supposed to be OUR vacation!” She reiterated, throwing her arms out.

“It still is our vacation,” I emphasized.

“Not when you’ll be all over your boyfriend!” she shouted.

“I barely get to see him as it is Sal, you know that.” I said softly, trying to gain an empathy pass so she would just leave me alone.

“Whatever,” she sighed, clearly irritated as she stomped off.

I paid her no mind since she threw fits all the time like this. I pulled Drew to the room I was staying in, slamming the door shut. Drew threw his stuff by mine, then smirked at me and tackled me on the bed. I let out a little squeal, beaming up at the handsome man that I got to call mine.

“I’m so happy now,” I confessed, biting down on my lip to try and keep my tears in.

“Me too my love,” Drew whispered, sealing our lips for the first real kiss we had shared in a long time.

=====================================

Today was the day we were taking a drive to Las Vegas, which I was very very excited for. It was a nice change to wake up to soft kisses instead of Sally barging in here and demanding I wake up.

“Good morning beautiful,” Drew murmured in his deep morning voice, his kisses continuing their loving assault.

“This is a very nice wake up,” I giggled, snuggling further into him.

Drew hummed in agreement against the skin of my neck, his slight stubble tickling the delicate area. His large hands felt up the curve of my hips, taking my(his) shirt with them.

Drew had always claimed since we started dating that he was obsessed with the wide curves that I hated more than anything. He even said he loved how thick my thighs were, which I never thought in a million years I’d hear come from a man’s mouth.

“I love you, my girl. ” he whispered, my heart fluttering in my chest.

“I love you, my man.” I whispered back.

Our moment was rudely interrupted when Sally banged on the door saying we needed to hurry up. I couldn’t control my eyes from rolling in annoyance as Drew and I untangled from each other. We got ready quickly before making our way to the car to start the four hour trip.

=====================================

The drive was smooth sailing, Drew and I taking turns driving while Sally pouted about having to sit in the back. My hand clenched Drew’s tightly at her sly comments. Luckily, Drew wasn’t having it with her since he knew I wouldn't say anything.

“So this is the guy you’ve been obsessing over for the past year?” she asked snootily, knowing it would irritate me.

“I think it’s more like I’m obsessed with her.” Drew spoke up, squeezing my hand before smiling at me.

“Really? She never shuts up about you.” Sally retorted, raising a challenging brow at him.

“Well, I’m glad because I’m the same way with my friends, they love her.” Drew chuckled, but I could tell he was just as irritated as I was.

We stopped to get gas thankfully or otherwise I would have exploded. I stomped inside to the restrooms, slamming the stall door shut.

I got in the drivers side after I came out, Drew waiting by the door to open it for me. I smiled small at him, getting on my tipey toes to kiss him quickly before getting in.

We finally had made it, but things were not looking good. I had accidentally ended up in the old part of Vegas instead of the main strip, and Sally blew up on me.

“How can you be so fucking stupid is it really that hard to type shit in on a map?!” she screeched.

“It’s not that big of a deal, we're not far,” Caroline commented, annoyed with her aunt's attitude.

“God this is a fucking disaster I don’t even want to be here anymore!” she shouted, my hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. Drew sat in silence, not sure what to do to diffuse the tension.

“God will you just shut up! I don’t know where every fucking place is in the world! This is my first time here just as it is yours, now just shut the hell up and let me concentrate!” I finally snapped, angrily typing on my phone to figure out where we needed to be.

I found where Caesar’s Palace was located, and they just so happened to have free parking as well. I slammed the gas and took us there. Drew and I got out of the car, but Sally and Caroline didn’t budge.

A few minutes later, Caroline storms out of the car slamming the door as hard as she could. She rushed past Drew and I, heading towards the exit.

“I’m sorry y/n, I hate that she treats you like that.” Caroline spoke up once we exited the parking garage.

“I’m used to it, she talks to me like that at work too.” I confessed, Drew whipping his head towards me.

“Y-You never told me that��” he murmured, looking down at me with an almost hurt expression.

I shook my head at him, signaling now was not the time.

=====================================

Sally threw her tantrum, then met us in the Bellagio. We sort of made up, but I did it merely so the rest of the day wasn’t awkward. Drew was quiet, probably still a bit upset with me.

We toured the hotel, the decorative flowers and artistry truly breathtaking. We ended up in front of Hell’s Kitchen where we would be eating later tonight. Drew and I took some pictures together to post on our stories while Sally and Caroline walked towards Caesar’s Palace.

“I wish you’d let me say something,” Drew blurted, sitting on one of the steps with me standing between his legs.

“No Drew, it will just make things worse.” I sighed, leaning into him.

“She’s so mean to you my love, I don’t like it.” he stated, his arms coming around me.

“I’ll be ok baby,” I mumbled, playing with his hair while smiling down at him.

“How about...you and I sneak away.” Drew suggested, tapping his fingers on my hips.

“Then they’d really be pissed,” I chuckled.

“We can just say we got lost.” he shrugged.

“Why do I feel like you’re up to something Starkey?” I questioned, raising my brow at him.

“I may or may not have booked us a room for today.” he grinned slyly, suddenly pulling me tight against him.

“To cuddle?” I teased, smirking as I ran my hands up his chest to the hairs at the back of his neck.

“Well yes...but also to fuck.” Drew said bluntly, smiling as I gasped at him.

“Joseph Starkey!” I exclaimed, giggling as my cheeks turned a deep shade of red.

“Baby come on it’s been sooooo long, my balls are aching.” he whined, cupping his hand over his manhood.

“Awwww are they? My poor baby boy.” I pouted, rubbing his cheeks with my thumbs.

He nodded, his lips pouting out as well. I couldn’t help the smile widening on my face, his cute pout making my insides melt.

“Let’s go then Drewbear,” I giggled, pulling his arms to stand up.

=====================================

We quickly checked in, rushing up to the room. I didn’t have time to appreciate the beauty of the room, Drew immediately spinning me around and lifting me into his arms. Drew laid us down on the bed, my phone rang out, no doubt one of the girls calling.

“Drew, I-I should get that.” I panted, his kisses moving down my neck. I felt his hand snake down my body, reaching into my pocket to take out my phone.

“They’ll be fine without us,” Drew smirked, lifting up and silencing my phone.

“Drew I should at least text the-” I started, but stopped talking when Drew took his shirt off.

“Sorry baby, were you saying something?” he asked rhetorically, smirking at my staring eyes. I shook my head, my eyes traveling down his toned form.

Drew stared down at me, his gaze sending chills down my spine. His hands traveled from my knees, down my thighs, up until they reached the bottom of my shirt. His eyes flickered to mine, and I nodded my head. Drew’s hands went under my shirt, my breath hitching in my throat.

I lifted my hands, sitting up a little so Drew could take my shirt off. He tossed it to the ground with his, while he did that, I unhooked my bra and threw it in the same direction before laying back down. Drew’s hands ventured towards my breasts as his lips explored the skin of my collarbones, lightly nipping at the area. I couldn’t contain the moan that escaped when Drew lightly rolled my nipples between his fingers,

“Fuck,” I whispered, my nails lightly digging into his scalp as I tugged on his hair.

Drew wasted no time in getting to where he really wants. He shoved off both our pants and underwear, situating me just how he likes before he buried his face in me. His tongue worked wonders, licking and sucking on each spot that made me tick.

“Oh my, baby please don’t stop.” I begged, my back arching slightly off the bed as my legs started enclosing towards his head. Drew lifted his head momentarily to stick two of his fingers in gently, my eyes rolled to the back of my head.

“My girl has such a pretty pussy.” he commented, his breath ghosting over where his tongue had just been.

I moaned loudly at his praise, gripping the sheets between my fingers as I felt my orgasm just in reach. Drew smiled as his mouth went back to work, his fingers increasing their pace as well. I could feel the band about to snap, my legs shaking the closer I got. With just the slight curl of his fingers, the flick of his tongue, and I was done for.

“I’m-” I gasped, not finishing my sentence as my orgasm hit me like a freight train.

“Mmmmm fuck yes baby,” Drew groaned, working me through it as he watched the cum drip from his fingers and onto the bed sheets.

Drew took his fingers from me, sliding them in his mouth to suck them clean. My stomach fluttered watching him, it was the hottest thing I had ever seen him do. He then grabbed my hips and flipped us over so I was on top, my head spinning a bit from the quickness of his movements.

“My turn princess,” Drew smiled, kissing my lips hotly before lying back down.

I smirked down at him, kissing my way down his body. I got to his vline, leaving my mark down it until I got to his dick. I licked from his balls to the tip, squealing lightly when his hand was suddenly in my hair. His chest was moving at a rapid pace, his eyes burning into mine as I took him in my mouth.

“I missed your mouth so much my love, fuck it’s so good.” he moaned, throwing his head back.

I moved my head up and down, using my hands to meet my mouth with what I couldn’t fit in my mouth. His grip on my hair tightened, pushing my head slightly. I gagged once I got to the base, taking a deep breath as my eyes watered.

“I’m gonna cum,” Drew panted, thrusting his hips into my mouth as I sucked harder. I pulled all the way up, sucking on his tip and flicking my tongue as fast as I could. He moaned as he came, spurting his seed into my mouth.

“Let me see, did you swallow it all my good girl?” Drew asked, pulling my hair so my mouth was removed from him.

“Mhm,” I hummed as I showed him my tongue that was clean.

Drew smiled at me, moving his hold to either side of my face and smashing my mouth to his. I held his wrists, moaning softly into his mouth as I shuffled closer.

“Come on beautiful, I want to see you on top.” Drew whispered, helping me straddle his waist and inserting himself inside me.

“Oh my god, Drew.” I groaned, digging my nails into his shoulders.

“Fuck baby, you feel so good.” Drew grinned, helping me move on top of him.

I rolled my hips into his, the tip of his cock hitting my gspot which had me a moaning mess. Drew slid a hand down so his thumb rubbed against my clit, a high pitched whine flying from my lips as I moved faster.

“I could live in your pussy,” Drew moaned, his thumb pressing harder.

“Drew,” I pleaded, throwing my head back before coming back to stare into his beautiful blue eyes.

“Would you like that baby? To sit on my cock all day?” he growled, thrusting his hips upwards to meet mine as I came down.

“Yes, I would love it.” I whimpered.

“I can feel how close you are my love, cum with me.” he demanded, but I was already there before he finished his sentence.

“F-uck baby,” I squeaked, my body going to cloud nine as I shook on top of him.

Drew came seconds later, burying himself inside of me. I laid my head on his shoulder, ran out of energy to keep myself upwards.Drew held me to him, laying back on the bed as we calmed down.

“Ok?” he asked.

“Amazing,” I answered.

=====================================

After we met up with Sally and Caroline, explaining how ‘lost’ we were, we ate dinner at Hell’s Kitchen. It was amazing, but definitely not worth the price. We walked around a few more shops in Caesar’s Palace, actually getting lost and taking a while to find the way out.

Once we did, we came across a group of men walking by…

“Damn she thicc,” one commented.

“Ooooh she got a nice one, hello!” another yelled.

Drew turned around to say something, but I yanked his hand to keep walking.

“Do not,” I hissed.

Drew instead to make it clear I was taken, placed his hand directly on my ass.

“Drew! We’re in public!” I whisper yelled, but he made no move to remove his hand.

“I don’t give a fuck,” he shrugged.

“Hey baby! Why don’t you leave your pretty boy to be with a man for a night!” someone else called, Drew’s eyes narrowing.

I was suddenly airborne, Drew bending down and lifting me into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist, surprised to say the least.

“Drew! Put me down!” I yelped, holding on to his shoulders.

“Apparently, these boys need to know you’re taken.” Drew snapped, tightening his grip on me.

“Seriously babe, you’re gonna hurt your back.” I mumbled.

“Didn’t you say your feet were hurting babydoll?” he questioned.

“Yes, but Drew-” I started.

“You’re light as a feather my love, I could carry you all day.” he spoke softly, kissing my nose before coming to a stop in front of the water show between Caesar’s Palace and the Bellagio. He sat me on the railing, standing between my legs with his hands placed on my hips. I kissed his cheek, smiling at how sweet and protective this man of mine was.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you baby,” he whispered back, sealing the deal with a soft kiss as the water show ended.

=====================================

Taglist:

@themaddies-obx @jeyramarie @mxltifandoms06 @bibliophilewednesday @evaporatedrosepetals @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @haley-talks-too-much @dpaccione @itsyagirljay @abbyj1822 @gviosca @runway-to-my-aid @obx-direction-sos @iamaunicorn4704 @cheshirecat107 @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless @holy-spn @starrystarkey93 @poguestyleskye @x-lulu @deionswannabegirl @heresalltheshit @lynlovesouterbanks @lemur46 @nina1800 @ilovejjmaybank @noneofmybusiness-cl @artfork @bolaurel @ifilwtmfc @kaitieskidmore1 @outerbongs

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miraculousmarifan · 3 years

Text

Felinette Month 2020 - Day 12: Reunion

The prompts on @felinettenovember are gold and everyone should check out what the others are doing for this month!

Theirs are also most likely on time, and this one is only 3 minutes away from being posted on the wrong day... but it’s still the right day for me!

Approximately 3100 words of absolute Lila salt. Her character is poorly enough written in the show that I had to make her villainy almost cartoonish to a certain degree.

Also before anyone takes my word for it at the silk part, just know I have the bare minimum of knowledge about the intricacies of fabric as I’m just a data analyst. I did however read a really interesting article earlier this year discussing the difference in modern and ancient forms of fabrics (it was specifically discussing cotton, if I remember correctly) and how industrialization of fabric production had drastically reduced both the initial quality of the fabric and the durability. Which they were using as an explanation of why it’s still possible to find cloth artifacts in archeology, whereas it’s suspected that the “same” fabric now wouldn’t have survived due to the poorer quality. So I willy-nilly applied this logic to silk weaving. If you are an expert in this stuff and want to pass along actual knowledge, I’d love to hear about it.

Marinette had found that going to university for fashion design was both easier and harder than it had been doing it during school. There were similarities with the existence of homework and specific class times to schedule around. Working at a smaller fashion house had been another beast entirely. Marinette had been offered a 5 year contract as the only pupil to the head designer, working both with the team of designers and working apart from them. Her ideas first needed to gain the approval from the head designer before she could put them through peer review with the team. She was required to have her designs be closer to a final product before she would get approval to proceed to peer review than the designs of many designers on the team had after multiple reviews. Marinette kept her head high, as her designs often went through fewer changes in the review stage as a result of this additional standard.

However with less than 10 designers doing all stages of the process, from researching ideas and sketching to actually assembling the final product and altering them for the models that would wear it, they were always busy. As a result, Marinette found herself more devoted to work outside of their standard hours, sketching variations on most outfits for potential changes she thought may be suggested while she sat at home.

At 25, Marinette found herself married to her career, with only two nights per week that she had set aside for her friends and her family and refused to budge on that time. This had left dating relatively untouched outside of some short high school relationships and a few first dates that never went further.

Alya never could understand why Marinette was so content on her own. She married Nino at 22 and had been happy in her marriage, but she was able to have her career and her relationship. Sometimes her journalism interfered but often she would just finish typing up any articles or notes she had while home and returned her attention to Nino.

Marinette often didn't disconnect from her sketchpad until late in the evening and then she simply wanted to eat, relax a little, and sleep. Dating required too much effort and time during the week and she only had so much time on the weekends, especially because of the occasional work event on a Saturday night.

This Saturday was one such event, a black tie party in a ballroom, where many designers were getting together under the pretext of a party, however most realized it was an important networking event. Designers would be discussing the styles that were in currently, some boasting about what they expected the next trend to be, and many would try to woo the various models in attendance to sign on for a certain number of shoots or shows in the upcoming seasons.

Marinette knew that she had to show her best at this, as she was entering the fifth year of her contract and would need to get her options in order. She was determined to have at least one outside offer waiting at the end of her contract, so she felt more free to decide if her current company was the best fit.

She had invited Alya over before to help her solidify her outfit by reassuring her choice in dress and accessories, as well as providing suggestions with make-up choices as requested. Marinette really needed a hype woman to get her in the right mindset for dealing with pretentious models and designers for her entire evening.

The ballroom hosting this event was as decedent as Marinette had anticipated and each designer eyed the others' appearance critically. Many of the compliments bestowed on others were backhanded, in the most subtle manner possible. The more inexperienced often missed the jabs but Marinette had expected them. Her mentor had arrived shortly before her and gestured for her to join his conversation upon seeing her entrance.

For nearly an hour, her mentor paraded her around, introducing her to each designer he personally knew and discussing with them her strengths. She was grateful for his support when he could have easily left her to flounder. The designers that had taken a liking to her brought others to meet her the moment he left her side to fetch a new drink. After dealing with their undivided attention for a while, she tried to find a polite way to excuse herself so she could breathe and let her face rest a moment.

The opportunity to slip away came when Gabriel Agreste entered, accompanied by his assistant and three others. The designers commented on his boldness to bring three young models and speculation started about which of the blond men was Gabriel's heir and if they knew the woman with them. He had brought Lila, Adrien, and Felix. She should’ve expected to see at least two of those three here. Time had allowed her to forget about their presence in this world.

Marinette murmured to the closest person that she was going to grab herself a beverage, then quietly slipped away while the designers speculated amongst themselves. She wouldn't contribute with an explanation of any person in that group, let alone bring an opportunity for her past relationships with them to come up.

She instead had snuck around, hiding amongst the various crowds filling the room to get to the hallway where the bathrooms were located. Rather than going into the bathroom, she walked around a turn in the hallway past them and stopped, leaning against the wall to take some deep breaths and think.

If Lila was here, she was definitely still employed with Gabriel and in good standing. She had cut contact with Alya and Nino after the graduation day incident so Marinette hadn't heard much about her since then. Luka didn't talk much about Juleka outside of their time together at the houseboat or in Kitty Section, but Marinette was sure he wouldn’t have let any news of her reach Marinette anyway. Mr. "High-road" Agreste was here so she would likely need to stay hidden or leave so he didn't try to be overly friendly with her. She didn't want to deal with his attempts to catch up and accusations about not staying in touch, even though he hadn't been a great friend of hers after trying to convince her to be a doormat, even if it nearly got her akumatized. Ice King Felix was a wild card. In school he had been a strange mixture of harsh and quietly supportive (primarily in dealing with Lila or Chloe). If Marinette had to deal with any of those three, he would be her preferred. He had potential to be on her side simply on the conditions that Lila still despised her and that Felix still disliked Lila or/and Adrien. Regardless, Marinette preferred if she could just make it through the night without needing to speak with any of them. Slowly she was considering going back to attempt navigating the party. Pushing herself off the wall, she took one more deep breath with her eyes shut.

And promptly fell to the floor due to the unexpected force of something ramming into her. Her head bounced off the carpeted floor and she felt like her brain was trying to restart.

“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t see you around the corner and ran into you. Are you alright?” The man leaned down next to her, while Marinette blinked a few times, trying to get her bearings. Then she slowly started to sit up. He spoke again, “Do you need to have your head examined? It looks like you may have bumped it and messed up your hair.”

Her hand came up and ran across the back of her head, over the hair, still blinking as her brain started running again. She turned to look at him and felt a little bit of dismay.

“Felix. I’m okay. My head is just pounding a little bit. I should really check to see what I need to do to make myself presentable again,” Marinette slowly moved towards getting up, hand reaching out to the wall. Felix took her hand and offered his other for more support. She took it without thinking, balancing herself as she stood. Then she turned her body, releasing his hands, and leaned against the wall again. “Thanks. It is Felix right?” Maybe if I play my cards right, he won’t recognize me and will think I just know from his ads.

“Yes Marinette. One and the same,” he smirked at her efforts and she groaned inside. “Did you know that you’re the hot topic in that room? Well actually you’re right behind whether Adrien or I will inherit Gabriel. As if the man is even considering retiring at this point.” Felix leaned one shoulder against the wall next to her, grinning like a cat.

“It seems that you made a splash socially, then disappeared right as Gabriel Agreste showed up. They’re speculating and Lila seems to have convinced enough of them that the two of you are friends. She’s so sure you have a surprise planned for her, even if she hasn’t figured out that you’re the same person yet. That only brought more speculation as to why you aren’t working at Gabriel. ‘Is it perhaps because she has an indecent relationship with an heir? Or is she the victim of nepotism?’ If you don’t make an appearance again soon, these rumors may live on past the evening.” His eyes had narrowed slightly as he brought up Lila and the rumors starting around her, trying to read the slightest reaction. Marinette just deflated. She had just been ready to go back before their collision and now she just wanted to curl up in a ball. With this last statement, she let out a little sound of exhaustion.

“Why did she have to be here? And how is it that even the people that are used to dealing with snakes don’t recognize her as one?” she groaned out, hands pressing her eyes. After a moment she straightened her back against the wall, breathed deeply and sighed. “Alright. We’re adults. Might as well act like it.”

“You’re going back now?” Felix stood, sounding more curious than before. Marinette had stood straight up, and was taking a step from the wall to walk back into the main hallway and looking at Felix as she replied.

“Of course I’m going to go back. I’m a professional that doesn’t lie and pretend to get places. I do the hard things and succeed--” she raised her eyebrows and smirked back at him “--Of course I need to fix my hair first, since you messed it up. Are you going to hide here longer?”

Felix faintly blushed at her expression as she told him he messed her hair up and thought about another way he could mess it up. As she slowly walked he turned to follow her. “Did you have a companion with you tonight? It’s not uncommon for designers to bring one…”

“I did not. I have been networking. Why do you ask?” Marinette slowly stepped towards the restroom door, nearly laughing at his stalling tactics.

“Would you like one when you’re finished fixing yourself up?” Marinette couldn’t believe how warm he was being with her, even with his mocking way of warning her what she was walking into. Is this really the Ice King I knew in school?

“I guess you’ll have to wait if you want to see…” Marinette pushed into the bathroom, walking up to a mirror. Luckily my hair wasn’t too extravagant and the back is just a little messed up. With a little bit of water on her fingers and some adjustments of her bobby pins, her hair looking untouched and she was exiting the bathroom.

Felix had moved to stand against the wall near the bathroom, and straightened to join her. Marinette liked the way he was acting with her now and made a split second decision that at worst, she didn’t need to keep him around if he changed his tune. She could push him back out of her life. She reached a hand out to beckon him and he offered her an arm. Their strides matched as they walked back to the party.

Whispers started in the groups closest to the door as they saw their up-and-coming sunshine designer enter on the arm of the model known for his aloofness and cold professionalism. Felix’s face slipped back into it’s icy indifference, looking harshly at specific individuals that dared to make too inappropriate of a comment in his earshot. Marinette smiled and nodded at different individuals that she hadn’t spoken enough with at length. A small squeeze to his arm and twist of her head had the pair walking towards one of Marinette’s first choices for her next employer.

Other groups had taken notice of the pair, drawing more eyes, and conversations turned to theories about their relationship. The two ignored stares and managed to strike up a pleasant conversation with a woman that could drastically improve her prospects. With the increasing curiosity of most guests, one young woman noticed and began to formulate a plan.

“Marinette! Over here! It’s me! Why didn’t you tell your best friend that you were coming?” Lila loudly exclaimed as she began prancing across the room and waving a hand wildly like a child trying to catch attention. Her dramatics went unacknowledged as Felix used his most winning smile, describing Marinette’s designs throughout their school years and then drawing attention to the dress she was currently wearing. She couldn’t help but blush that he had recognized her craftsmanship even after years apart. The woman seemed to be swept up in the warmth and friendliness he was using, as well as the atmosphere those two formed around their group. Others paid particular attention to the hand Felix had rested on her side.

Marinette had been gaining attention up to this point, however the entire party noticed the atmosphere tense as Lila appeared to trip, right as she was about to reach the designer. Felix moved behind Marinette, having her twirl in front of him to show off the patterns embroidered into her dress, and felt the liquid on his back before Lila collided with him. Felix had made note of Lila as he was gesturing to Marinette’s dress and guessed at her plan with a fair bit of accuracy. Marinette was completely dry and far enough forward to avoid being bumped by Felix when the force from Lila’s impact pushed him. The icy glare returned to his face as he turned to deal with her.

A few men from nearby moved over to help Lila, who faked a sob story about how clumsy she was, because she was just so excited to see Marinette since “our schedules have just been so busy that we haven’t gotten to see each other!” when Felix interrupted her.

“Strange that you say that. I actually remember Marinette getting a restraining order on you after graduation, when you tried to poison her food. You claimed to be allergic to shellfish and said she was trying to slip clam broth into your food. However you had the broth container in your bag, it was slipped into her food, and according to her up-to-date school medical records, she’s severely allergic to mollusks so she wouldn’t come near the container. At the time, you were supposedly diagnosed with a disorder that causes you to compulsively lie. Regardless, the courts didn’t seem to believe that a disorder like that, which was unknown to and unheard of by medical professionals, wouldn’t have been grounds to explain trying to harm her and granted the order. Do you not remember that?” Felix recited the story almost impassively, as though it was simply a reminder of what she ate for breakfast, however he gave a mock confused look with his rhetorical question. The crowd had gathered around with her fall and were well within earshot as Felix described one of the worst incidents of Marinette’s life. The pale expression she wore and the Lila’s furious expression as he described it convinced even those that would’ve been inclined to side with Lila.

With one final look of distaste, Felix turned to Marinette and reached for her hand. The onlookers were surprised at the obvious tenderness as he spoke to her, “We should get you away from here. Do you want to stay at the party and talk to some more people or would you prefer I escort you home? We can see about getting some contact information before we leave, if you’d like.”

The room was deathly silent, even Lila having the sense to wait, in case she broke the tense quiet that had formed. After a deep breath and a shaky smile directed at Felix, Marinette turned back to the woman she had been speaking with before Lila’s act and politely said, “I enjoyed our conversation and hope we have the opportunity to speak again soon. I would love to hear more about your work to more effectively create silk patterns by hand. I know you said it before but hand weaved silk really is so much nicer than the machine weaved and I’ve read that it’s much more durable. Thank you for your time this evening!”

Felix moved to her side and Marinette slipped her hand into his before stepping towards the coat room. With coat in hand, the pair swept out of the ballroom to leave behind the drama of the evening.

Suddenly the room burst into chaos and Lila was escorted to a private room to wait for Gabriel to decide how to handle this revelation. He knew he would lose the respect of his peers if he kept a young woman on staff that they all knew had tried to murder another one. The cherry on that cake would be that the would-be victim is an up-and-coming designer that nearly all were considering making an offer to. It was clear to him that Ms. Rossi would be fired. Now it’s just a matter of the other clean up that would follow. Additionally, it seemed Ms. Dupain-Cheng also had a close relationship with his son, considering the show that he was putting on since they arrived. He would have to dig into his sons’ involvements with the designer's misfortunes, as that would impact how they looked to the public. There was one other aspect that Gabriel Agreste was rather certain of, one of his son’s was smitten with a good match and if they were happily married, it would help their careers immensely.

Marinette’s night out ended with a private car pulling up to her building, a kiss placed on Felix’s cheek, and her hand slipping a piece of paper with her phone number into his jacket pocket. She was pleased to find he messaged her immediately to make sure she made it into her apartment alright.

Felix was too lovestruck to sleep that night.

#felinette month 2020 #felinette month #lila salt #felinette #miraculous ladybug

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anambermusicbox · 3 years

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September 29 Day Countdown (27/29): 2021/01/15 Interview with iFeng Entertainment 凤凰网《非常道》

(11:20) Interviewer asks whether he’s more affected by hurtful words or kind words; Zhou Shen then goes on to talk about his relationship with his fans:

ZS: After all, I’ve now debuted for 6 years now- (*more subdued*) my skin has gotten thicker. Before, hurtful words had a very big impact on me. I’d see these words and think (*gasps*) What did I do wrong? Why do they have to say this about me? Do I have to change something? If I do this differently would they not say this about me?

But later I realized, no (*waves his hand dismissively*) To them, the people that don’t like you, as long as you exist, they won’t like you. So before, I would be affected a lot more by hurtful words, but now its about 51% and 49%, with that 51% being the hurtful words. But I’m working on flipping the percentages. This way, I think, I’m also doing right by the people who support me.

Interviewer: I think there are actually a lot of people who like you. (*ZS bows and thanks her awkwardly*) The other day, I was online and saw your fans professing their love, fussing over you. (*ZS laughs*)

ZS: Oh that’s right, because- a few days ago, I was doing a performance and- I don’t know if this is just what this fan says to singers they like, but they said (*cups hands around mouth*) (*extremely high pitched shout*) “Rest for a bit!! You’re tiring!!! Yourself!!! Out!!!!” (*laughs*) (T/N: It was after he filmed the winter-themed Happy Camp with the Onmyoji movie cast; there’s a video of the exact moment—super hilarious, I’ll put the link in the notes.) [...] I want to tell them, I’m doing fine here, don’t worry—I can take care of myself.

Interviewer: I think the way they talk to you is quite 没大没小 (referring someone to being disrespectful and talking to someone their senior the same way they talk to their peers; Zhou Shen looks quite shocked at her choice of words) They really treat you like (ZS, interjecting: a friend) someone they can throw jokes at, a kind of idol that is very close to them. How do you view the relationship between you and your fans?

ZS: Oh, I really don’t know. To be honest, I really don’t know. [...] Even now, sometimes I think they’re quite stupid. I say this because, sometimes, even if it’s just to see me sing one or two songs, they’ll stand outside the venue waiting for four to five hours on a harsh winter day. I feel really bad for them. But it’s like, to them this is one way they feel that they can give me strength, and I can’t tell them not to, because that would hurt them even more.

So sometimes I look at them and think, oh look at this stupid group of people, so idiotically supporting me. This kind of stupidity is really quite touching. I want to put forth my best effort to reciprocate what they do.

(14:55) Interviewer: “Do you have moments where you feel pretty rotten?”

ZS: Oh, too many. (Interviewer: Tell me about it, from the past to the present) Wow. Okay then we have to delay the program recording scheduled next (*laughs*) there’s a LOT. I mean, since my childhood, my classmates unintentionally- it was really unintentional, they didn’t have the maturity to know that their words would be hurtful. But to me, they were very hurtful. But you can’t blame them for it, because they didn’t understand anything at the time. (T/N: no you can totally blame them for it, you’re just a nice person shenshen)

And more recently, as an artist, I had my own “cold bench period.” I felt like, I was working so hard but no one was willing to listen to me sing. Not only that, I felt I didn’t have a way to be heard. Because there was a period of time when I didn’t really have any work and, wah, everyday I felt so purposeless; I was just a rain cloud, I was so discouraged (*laughs*)

Interviewer: What about now, now that you’re so busy?

ZS: If I’m tired, I’ll be happy because I’m happy that there are stages that *want* me to sing on them. [...] I worked so hard to stay in this profession because I wanted to be heard by others, and now that this day has finally come, with so many stages I can sing on, why wouldn’t I go?

(16:40) Talks about how he doesn’t mind labels, because that how someone remembers you; ZS: “I saw this one comment I really liked, this person was saying they always thought there were two Zhou Shen’s—a male one who was funny on variety shows, and a female one that sang deep emotional songs—until one day they watched a show and realized, what?? It’s one Zhou Shen???”

(18:30) Interviewer: As I’m conversing with you, I can feel very relaxed, very happy—that’s the feeling you give people. (*ZS bows and quietly thanks her*) But I know from looking at your past that your childhood was quite lonely. What makes you be able to still be so warm—that is, to go and bring others... happiness.

ZS: I think it’s because I’m really fortunate. Because... (*looks up in thought*) I... I grew up in a very remote mountainous village, but I’m really fortunate to have so many opportunities—coming into the city, being able to learn and come in contact with all the culture I love, and later even being about to devote myself to a career I love. I feel very fortunate.

And I know that, when you feel extremely alone, if you suddenly feel something like a beam of warmth, the joy or the kind of hope that can bring—when you receive it, you’re so happy. I think, I want to do that, if there’s a possibility I could have the honour to do that for someone else. I think it’s so important.

(21:00) Talks about his parents:

ZS: Even now, my mom and dad are still wanting to- still are running their small business that they love; I think it’s very laborious. I keep telling them, you both are getting older, you should take advantage of your age and go relax, enjoy yourselves. They say, no, we want to take some burden off of you, to which I’m like eh? (*leans over and covers mouth to whisper*) Mom you’re losing money every year. *laughs*

Especially with the pandemic, their lifestyles have had the most obvious impact. Because they’re not like the younger generation that can continue doing things online. All they’ve known is getting up early to open their storefront, staying there until it’s time to close at nightfall.

Interviewer: (21:55) Your parents, before they didn’t support you going into music. What about now?

ZS: They think it’s great now. But they worry because they feel they have no way to help me in this career. [...] They once said- I asked them something like this one day, how they want to help me now. They said they can give me their storefront. I told them, then don’t help me (*laughs*) Because I’ve used to help them watch the store all the time growing up! I used to be doing my homework at their storefront. Ever since I was little, I’ve always really disliked doing business. So I felt like, oh mom dad, no.

I’m really lucky. Even though my mom and dad don’t have very high education—it’s really quite low to be honest—they still chose to understand me. I’m very grateful to them.

(1:45) Interviewer asks what his first job was:

ZS: After I graduated from high school, my first job was selling phones. (Interviewer: Were you standing all day?) Yup, standing. [...] (Interviewer: So you have experience in the workplace?) Well, to be honest, I didn’t converse with people much in my so-called workplace—I have a very introverted personality; I’m not too fond of or good at talking to people.

Interviewer: Would someone who doesn’t like to talk to people be able to convince people to buy phones?

ZS: That’s why I didn’t sell any. (*bends over laughing*) You really had to say it so directly. (*laughs*) Zhuang-laoshi, you’re an accurate judge of people! (*gives her two thumbs up*) (*Interviewer laughs*)

(3:30) Interviewer tries asking him a question related to emotional intelligence (”qing shang”, 情商) but gets her words mixed up and says romance instead (”qing chang”, 情场); ZS: “Well, if we’re talking about romance, that’s an area I don’t have much experience in (*gets up and pretends to leave*) (Interviewer, laughing: To be honest, that’s the thing I really want to ask about.) Zhuang-laoshi, I really don’t have any experience with romance (*laughs*)

Interviewer: Okay what I was going to ask is, do you think EQ is important in the workplace?

ZS: Super important! For one thing, every workplace involves getting along with people, and part of the way you interact with people depends on your EQ.

Interviewer: But some people say that part of EQ is a skill, a means to an end—would it come off as insincere to others?

ZS: ?? (*blinks*) Can you give me an example?

Interviewer: Like for example, if I compliment you like “oh you’re such a great person (*half-hearted clapping*)” when I don’t truly mean it.

ZS: Oh that was so insincere (*makes faces*) (*Interviewer laughs*) I’m starting to question myself (*laughs*) I don’t think that’s a problem for me though. That’s why you shouldn’t force compliments. I think it’s important to be genuine with what you say—then people won’t think you’re being fake. If people think you’re being fake, that in itself already isn’t a display of good EQ. Be sincere, but try your hardest not to hurt others.

Interviewer: I want to ask another question-

ZS: Is it about romance? (*laughs*)

Interviewer, joking: We’ll talk about romance in a moment.

ZS: no nO NO LET’S NOT DO THAT (*laughs*)

(6:10) About how Zhou Shen didn’t expect to get along so well with everyone else in “An Exciting Offer”《令人心动的offer》:

ZS: On the first episode, every time I put in my own two cents, I had to work myself up just to speak up. My heart rate was through the roof, it was like- (*takes a deep breath*) (*raises hand*) “Laoshi? (*exaggerated suppressed panic*) Can I aSK a quESTION? (*pretends to look back and forth between the others*) (*Interviewer giggles*) I think this is just like, you see, I believe in the workplace, people who are have this personality-” How was I supposed to converse like this? (*laughs*)

So that was how I was for the first two episodes, but now in the later episodes, I got used to just casually interjecting whenever I felt like it. It was quite wonderful. The other teachers were very approachable, very friendly—it felt like, something you imagined before, but when you really are in such a group, it was like, oh this kind of goodness is something that actually exists. You feel very fortunate, very happy.

(8:50) Interviewer asks ZS if he ever lacks confidence; ZS replies that, even now, he’s not very confident:

ZS: Every time I’m on stage I get extremely extremely nervous. I’ll fear that, I won’t live up to the expectations of those who want to listen to me. But I’m slowly learning to- to get along with, to come to terms with this nervousness.

Interviewer: Then this year, you would’ve been so nervous all the time. Have you counted how many performances you had just this year?

ZS: I haven’t counted, but Shengmi, they compiled them all together and, excluding the ones that aren’t aired, there were over a hundred. Every single one of them, I’m behind the scenes like- (*makes loud deep-breathing-for-anxiety-reduction noises*) But I can’t let people see that so- (*dissolves into laughter*)

#zhou shen #周深 #my translations #mine #zs 29 #why is day 27 just as long as day 26 >.>#ngl these interviews are near the end of the countdown mostly bc i kept putting off translating them LMAO #when its so good that there's so many highlights but also that means it takes hours to translate :')#day 28 is gonna be pretty long too smh #i kinda put the questions more related to the variety show at the end but also god he's so relatable HAHAHA #rip 2020 shenshen he was just a ball of anxiety all the time asdfAFSDFASD #but the whole first section before the 'read more' is so :'))#i love him so much

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eclecticvalor · 3 years

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7 Things I experience as a DID System. Mental Health Awareness Month.

In light of May being America’s mental health awareness month, I wanted to talk about something that has consumed my entire life for the past year and a half: Treatment and healing from a disorder that is stigmatised into the ground by poor representation and misunderstandings both socially and in the medical field. Those who are close to me know first hand how my symptoms and experiences have shaped the way I interact with the world since starting treatment, but aside from my closest friends and family, and the people I live with, I don’t normally talk about the fact that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and what that means to me.

Hi. My name is Atlas, some people call me Cadyn, and I am the primary host of 26 fragmented parts of my consciousness. I am not dangerous, none of my parts or alters are dangerous, and no, it is not like “Split”.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a trauma based dissociative disorder listed in both the DSM IV and V, and is recognized as an uncommon disorder characterized by two or more distinct personality states existing within the same consciousness. These personality states come to be when natural childhood development is disrupted by severe, continued, or repetitive, trauma, the child has a natural inclination towards heavy dissociation, and a lack of adult or parental support to develop the means to cope with the things happening to them.

Unfortunately popular mental health media has seen an uptake in people viewing DID as a quirky “trait”, the ability to have functional imaginary friends living in your head... but in reality DID is a lot darker, a lot scarier, and isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. Because of this media spike I wanted to share 7 things that living with Dissociative identity disorder means to me

1. Amnesia

Living with DID means that I miss out on a lot of my life. A primary symptom of DID is amnesia. I have no solid memories before the age of 13, and the memories I do have are often skewed, incorrect, or completely false as my brain fought for a way to fill in gaps and cope with the loss of memory. I forget a lot, and not just things like forgetting where I left my wallet and keys, or forgetting the day - those do happen, but I also mean forgetting big things, important life experiences and things I wish with all my being that I could remember like my highschool graduation and my wedding reception.

I often forget important day to day things that make it difficult to maintain life as an adult, like doctors appointments, work schedules, meetings, and important daily tasks. I’ll forget that I’ve eaten at all that day and risk going days without eating, or overeating due to having no recollection of the last time I’d eaten. I forget birthdays (especially my own), anniversaries, and important holidays.

To an outsider, who has no idea what’s happening inside my head, this can come across as though I’m thoughtless or unreliable. That I am cold for forgetting an important date, or simply that I just don’t care when this very much is not the case.

2. Alienation

Oftentimes DID comes with a sense of alienation from people who you’re supposed to know. For me a really clear example of this is when I previously mentioned my childhood memories being skewed - I have a clear memory of a conversation I was having with some blood relatives a few years back in which I mentioned that one family member I had happy childhood memories of, and remembered playing together as kids, but with another family member they were practically a stranger to me. I had, and still have, no memories of ever spending time with them growing up, no memories of having any kind of relationship with them at all. My understanding of our relationship was that it was “forced” because we were family and our parents expected us to exist in the same space as we grew up, but that we never talked. But I was informed by a separate member of the family that I was very wrong, and this “stranger” was actually someone I had been close to growing up. This is a common experience with DID patients, and also a very frustrating one. It creates feelings of “You know me but I don’t know you”, and it’s extremely difficult to trust your own judgement of the people you know, because you often can’t tell if your judgement is skewed by your memories or lack thereof.

3. PTSD and Flashbacks

A diagnosis of C-PTSD (Or complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is required for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This means that while the individual symptoms of DID can be frustrating, scary and sometimes depressing, the most difficult aspect of DID, and the most important to focus on in treatment is the PTSD symptoms.

PTSD symptoms in DID can be extremely powerful due to the additional dissociative aspect. This can mean that for a lot of DID patients, flashbacks can produce full blown body sensations, hallucinations and terrifying delusions. This is One thing that I find incredibly difficult to talk about, but I also believe is extremely important to understand. It can be embarrassing, shameful and while I only speak for myself in saying this, can cause a lot of guilt and grief. There have been times where I have been experiencing powerful flashbacks and did not recognize my own husband, resulting in lash outs and fear towards him being delusioned into thinking that he was out to hurt me, or had harmful intent for just existing in the same space as I was.

For me, a single wiff of a familiar smell, hearing a sound, a certain color, an idea, a name, a passing thought or comment can throw my previously stable mental state into one of pure panic, hyperventilation, hallucination, delusion, fight-flight-freeze and reactionary responses. Through treatment I’ve developed adaptive and healthy coping skills and management responses but trauma responses can be so quick, and so unexpected that I don’t always have time to process my coping skills before my body and mind respond in negative ways.

4. Decision making and skewed Behavior

Because living with DID, means living with a shared or fragmented consciousness, this often means that while I may not remember, my life is still being lived during my time of memory loss. Alters or parts will take control and operate my body, reacting to things, interacting with people, completing tasks and functioning. But oftentimes parts who take control are very different from myself, and make choices and decisions that I wouldn’t normally make, and sometimes decisions I wouldn’t *ever* make. An example of this is the fact that technically I am a conservative voter, despite myself as an individual having leftist or NDP views, or decisions to leave or apply for jobs and work positions that I have no interest in, or that I don’t even have the qualifications or physique to do, or leaving ones that I personally loved and excelled at. This also reflects a lot in everyday life in more subtle things, decisions like what food to eat, things to buy, activities to do shift between parts while they’re in control.

To outsiders this can look a lot like impulsivity, lack of self-control, or lack of a sense of identity. This is a huge reason why a lot of DID patients are often misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the behaviour between alters can be so drastically different that it can look a *lot* like manic or depressive states.

5. Denial and Dismissing Trauma

A very common experience among DID patients is denial and being dismissive or disregarding the things that happened to them. I often find myself in a state of questioning whether my symptoms, my disorder, and even my trauma were ever real to begin with. In therapy I find myself saying “It’s not that big of a deal” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal” more times than I’m actually saying anything productive. A huge part of this is why I wanted to make this list, because the media, and a lot of medical circles deny that DID exists or believe it’s impossibly rare and those, while both false, can cause intense feelings of “Maybe I’m just doing this for attention”. DID is a very real, very difficult disorder to diagnose, to treat, and to live with disorder, and while it is uncommon, statistics show that approximately 1-2% of western population is diagnosed, and up to a suspected 7% are living with the disorder undiagnosed because of these misconceptions. It is not common, and it’s not something that everyone is going to have, but it is a very possible response to very real trauma and is a valid diagnosis to give to those meeting the criteria.

6. Hidden Symptoms

DID is often referred to as a “covert” presenting disorder. What this means is that most commonly outsiders, friends, family, employers and even the patient themselves can have a nearly impossible time recognizing the symptoms, and it often goes unnoticed until an event destabilizes the function of the person’s life. This can lead to a lot of backlash or denial coming from peers and family close to the person. This leads to the patient hearing a lot of: “I’ve never noticed personality changes”, “You don’t act like you have it”, “You couldn’t possibly have that”, “No, I would have noticed”, “You have to be mistaken”, “There’s no way, it would have been obvious”. And so, so much more. The reality of DID is that it’s *not* noticeable. It’s a safety response that the brain created to protect the psyche from the intense damages that come with long term trauma experiences, so it’s often designed to hide itself from abusers or perceived threats as a way to compartmentalize trauma memories and maintain the ability to survive through stress and unstable situations. Not being able to “notice” is kind of the point in most cases.

7. Wandering and Dissociative Episodes

Living with untreated or unmanaged DID can potentially be dangerous due to episodes of dissociation, “wandering” experiences (where the patient will wander away from home, family, or life in a confusion, attempt to return to a perceived life never lived, or in a state of belief that their current life is unsafe). For me this took a head last year, and was actually an event that led to the solidification that this disorder was the explanation to my experiences. According to nurses and my husband, I had wandered into the emergency room of a hospital in the middle of the night, with no idea who or where I was, with no idea how to return home, or even where home was. I was wearing a t-shirt, and it had been raining, and my body was so cold they needed to retake my vitals nearly 6 times because they were unable to get an appropriate reading. After discovering my identity, my husband was called to take me home. Working with a therapist helped to develop a safety plan during events like this to prevent harm from coming to my body, or from ending up in newly traumatic environments, but I was lucky. These situations can lead to re-traumatization, victimization, it can lead to kidnapping, assault, it can lead to being injured or harmed by environmental factors and so much more and it is so incredibly important that DID patients work with their therapist to develop solid safety plans proactively to make sure that the patient doesn’t experience any worst case scenarios during episodes like this.

Conclusion

My experiences are individual to me, and to my psyche. Not everyone will experience the disorder the same way, because not everyone experiences or responds to trauma the same way. I am so lucky, and extremely privileged to be able to access consistent care and treatment, that I found a professional who trusts me, and is focused on stabilizing and supporting. Too many people living with this disorder have no access to supportive mental health care because of the misconceptions that parts of the medical field hold regarding the legitimacy or frequency that the disorder develops, and too many peers and circles of people outcast or disregard the very real, very difficult experiences because they don’t understand the disorder, or believe it doesn’t exist, or believe it looks like split. If you, or someone you know is struggling with Dissociative symptoms, or dissociative identity disorder do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for support, and educate yourself on the reality of the disorder.

#dissociative identity disorder #DID System #dissociation #mental health awareness #mental illness #mentalhealthawareness #mental health #actuallydissociative #dissociative amnesia #education #psychotherapy #experience #actuallytraumatized #trauma #actuallydid #did/osdd

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machinesbleedtoo · 2 years

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Capstone project over! Here is what I have planned for Hyaline

My major university assessment - a group software project that was developed over 8 months - is over and done with! Woo! It was a game, I chose to jump in with the gamedev students so I could learn more about the technical side of development to aid me in making Hyaline. We were a group of 8 and had supervisors and everything, so it was an incredibly insightful ordeal when it comes to project management and completion. So, Hyaline’s game - here are 2 things from the start of the year, and 2 things from the distant past.

And a bad quality 2018 photo of a draft print of Hyaline’s world guide book just as a reminder that progress had actually been made on it before life kicked my ass (this photo is my tether when I feel like I’ve achieved nothing in my projects, really.)

I’d like to continue on with my now ancient plans for opening a Hyaline themed shop but finances and time are not on my side for that right now.

Read below for information regarding my plans / my degree and how it all fits together.

The largest change is my focus shift from the world guide to the videogame.

The world guide writing is more or less in a second draft state and has been for eons. All that is left is some worldbuilding details about climate and then I need to work on the illustrations. I burn myself out every time when I try to paint complex scenes because I cannot visualize depth (stereoblindness.) I can’t imagine where to place things inside of a perspective grid.

The world guide primarily focuses on the section of rainforest Hyaline’s game is set in. So I’ve decided to build that first because I’ll need to do it anyway, and it means I have references for the illustrations I need to do - that are canon down to every detail!

The game relies on the environment for mechanics - the wildlife and placement of edible plants, of water, etc, is the driving force behind the survival gameplay. I also plan to include story-driven exploration elements which requires the map be finalized too.

I’ll be making the prototype for the mechanics as well to ensure my design decisions aren’t a total disaster so it’s going to be a big undertaking so I’m equal parts nervous and hype. The graphic novel remains the last on the list to complete, which pains me, because it’s my favourite story arc! But it requires the most worldbuilding work and chronologically makes the most sense to release last. Though I do want to make some standalone comics of the characters since discovering sketching scenes with 3D art first. I have been slowly working on redesigning the characters and species to make them fit the world more, too.

I don’t have any deadlines or estimates on when things will be done, life circumstances remain fucky and will probably remain that way until I get any semblance of life and financial stability, after I graduate. Hyaline is a living world, anyway - I’m trying to just enjoy the worldbulding process.

As for my degree -

I’m scheduled to graduate at the end of 2022. Due to a prerequisite and unit availability, I have to do 2 semesters part time. I should still be able to access financial support because this is for a reason outside of my control. If so, thank fuck, because the lower end of the full time study load was really harsh on my disabilities and university has been torture for that.

2 of my 4 units left are 3D modelling electives, because I am so antsy to have time to dedicate to projects again after almost five years of utter hell, and I’d rather have a chill time in my final year. Also I’m not very good at 3D art for games and it’s yet another sneaky way to use my unrelated degree to help me make progress with my projects. Thank you so much to my patrons for the support - the extra money has been a godsend - and to the people who have been patiently following me all these years. I have learned so much, and changed so much, and I can finally see a future that isn’t full of misery and art burnout!

I’ll have a cybersecurity and neuroscience degree by the end of next year, in absence of any more setbacks, and can maybe finally afford to exist as a Sick Person. Here’s hoping.

#update #hyalinegame #artofanalienplanet #artofhyaline #gamedev #indiedev #worldbuilding #fantasy art

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nctinfo · 4 years

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[TRANS] WayV’s interview with ELLE Korea May 2020 issue!

— Kun

A suffering leader, everyone's Kun — With a meticulous personality. The pros and cons would be: I think I am the leader thanks to my sense of responsibility and delicacy. [But] when there is too much to take care of, it is a bit cumbersome. There’s no member who gives me a hard time because they all pick on me one by one (laughs). If I had to introduce my hometown, Fujian Province, it's a quiet city with clean air and few people. Many people come to visit because the mountains and the lakes are beautiful. When I think about nature, I start missing my hometown. At school, I was the head of the student council's entertainment department. I might look like a serious person since the members are so active and mischievous, but I'm also a fun person. Times when I feel like we’re one team are when you know what the others are thinking just by the look in their eyes and, when we dance and the movements are 'synchronised'. WayV to me is the comfort of being able to share everything with each other. All the members worry a lot about music so a lot of ideas come out every time we hear new music. It is certainly an advantage that all seven have a lot of desire. I have a bright young voice, but my desire as a vocalist is to have a thicker and more mature voice these days. Wouldn't it suit dance songs that match our [team's] style more than ballads. I graduated in Practical Music. If there is a song I want to arrange: I'm still trying to look for my style while listening to various songs. I want to challenge not only the arrangement but also the composition. I am a good cook. The dishes I recently made for the members are the dishes that I learned from the main chef of the company while I practiced them [on the members]. The menu with the biggest reaction recently was DongPo Pork. When I can't sleep, I deliberately watch low-rated movies and these days, I watch a four-hour-long landscape video shot from a train driver's perspective. It makes me fall asleep really fast (laughs). The most memorable stage after debuting was as expected, MAMA 2019. When I was giving the award speech, my hand that was holding the microphone was shaking and it was all captured [on camera]. What I want to say to myself in hard times is to be confident! The moment you lose your confidence, everything becomes more difficult. The mindset I don't want to lose is to be grateful. Everything I do right now is impossible to do by myself. This is the most important. To Winwin: who has known me the longest among the members! I hope you always take on challenges with courage because I will always be there beside you to support you. Also, all the members know that you are cute.

— Lucas

Healthy energy, hot Lucas — Between a boy and a man, I feel closer to 100% boy! I don't think I feel mature enough. [Maybe I’m just like] a baby who wants to be a man (laughs). The most impressive man to me is a responsible person. And also, a man who gives everything to his loved ones. Having an attractive rapping sound because of a low and husky voice. My desire to sing is big! I want to sing a sad song. I've heard from people around me that a calm song suits my voice. Like the calm songs of Paul Kim I normally listen to too. My favorite song is "Take Off, The killing point is the dance break, with the powerful guitar riff. Emotion is what is the most important on stage. I believe each song has its own soul, and it is important to immerse yourself. My role in the team is positive energy. Although always looking bright, surprisingly, I have a lot of thoughts. Yesterday too, I had a lot of thoughts before going to bed, so it took me a while to fall asleep. Not long ago, Kun hyung played me a song he had composed and so many ideas came up so I wrote them down and sent it to him. WayV to me is a friendship that feels really deep even though it’s been only a year since I made a debut with the people I love so much. So much that when we come back from a schedule, as we laugh and talk together, the stress will suddenly be gone. The most important thing in a team is to have sincere conversations with each other to understand each other's differences. Only then can we get along well because of the wider understanding. Having appeared in a number of familiar variety shows like the Chinese version of <Running Man> <Let's Run Season 3> I like that I can go to various places the most. It's also a special opportunity to meet people with other jobs and not only artists. I think I'm often called/casted [for these shows] because of my sincere youthful reactions. The mindset I don't want to lose is the promise I made when I debuted to be a good influence on people. That's what I always keep in mind. I want to be a person who always gives positive influence to people, family, and fans around me. To Yangyang: who I know is really smart, you're still a cute little brother to me (laughs)

— Winwin A quiet presence, Winwin — In the reality show <Dream Plan>, mingling well with the elders in the village was impressive. Special trick behind it was thanking them for looking out for me! Since they were all kind natured, I guess treating them with sincerity looked good. When Lucas and I visited their home, we got served a meal and received a warm welcome. A performance video of Ten and I has been released. As a dancer, Ten is a member whose strength is being versatile. He helps the members at dance practices a lot. I’ve learned dancing in a special dance school. At the time I was the shortest and least talkative kid until I grew taller in high school. I’ve spent most of the time practicing alone. Chinese dance is similar to modern dance mixed with ballet. Learning the choreography is fast and it’s an advantage to be skillful in tumbling. I would like to properly showcase a modern dance at a concert someday. When I’m on the stage what I care about the most is my gestures and facial expression. During ‘Take Off’ promotions, the gestures and facial expressions I did during my part varied from stage to stage. I hear that I’m ‘pure’ a lot. A new charm that I want to have: our fans call me ‘Baby Chick’. I want to showcase more of an ‘eagle’ image, so I cut my hair short. Isn’t it similar to Park Saeroy (laugh). Something that makes me angry, although I normally have a good temper is being unsatisfied with stage performance to the point I can’t sleep on that day. But it’s okay to just take a nap. I just need to do better. The most memorable moment in WayV promotions was receiving the Best New Asian Artist Award at the MAMAs, it was the first time we’ve gotten an award together so I was very happy. The reason why I went to Beijing on my own as a middle school student seems to be fate. I passed my exams without much determination, left my hometown and went to school in Beijing where I was noticed and then debuted. Coincidence became fate. To me WayV is a path that we’re talking together, a team with a lot of growth potential. I’d like it if the younger members came to me whenever they need someone. I feel our fans love and support the most when: I’m always amazed and grateful for our fans hearts. All of the people who always look out for us even when we’re not promoting any albums and who support us are an immense source of strength. Success to me is when more people get to know us and we get to perform in many different countries. I want to think about my personal success after my team’s success. To Kun: when members want advice, we reach out to Kun first before our families. He knows a lot, can do a lot, and is a person we can depend on.

— Ten

Ten who is curious about what's next rather than what’s now — The secret to adapting well everywhere is attending an international school. I had friends of various nationalities and I also traveled a lot. Wherever I went, I went to see the common [places] first. Learning an unfamiliar culture is fun. I’m learning Thai, English, Korean, Japanese and now working hard at learning Chinese. I memorize expressions that I can use while watching Chinese variety shows and dramas. Although it's still difficult to read the buzzwords and hanja. The most important thing as a performer, and what makes you an outstanding dancer, is to have your own style while not being trapped by masculinity and femininity. I am different now from a few years ago and I'm trying to challenge myself by being flexible in various aspects. What I've learned since debut is, in the case of WayV, that when you work with various genres the main concern is the vocal style and with SuperM, I learned about the importance of performance through the activities [we did]. 'It's important to dance well, but you must also have your own [style]', 'think about what you want to express in front of the camera, but you must be faithful to your feelings on every stage in order to develop [yourself]' is the advice I received from the Hyungs (Baekhyun, Kai, Taemin). For the dance video that I did together with Winwin, the concept, music, settings, and outfits were all decided by us together without the company's advice. I came to realize the difficulties of being a staff member (laughs). I can [now] see the wider picture and more details. I like poetry too. I think poetry expresses emotions. It helps me understand the world and the society as a person and not as an artist. The lyrics of my 2nd solo song 'New Heroes' feel like an autobiography. If 'Dream in a Dream' was all about the performance then 'New Heroes' is a song about the time spent committing [to something] and I thought anyone can sympathize with that. The [original] lyrics were so great that I asked them not to change it and to just go with it. I want to write lyrics myself someday. The kind of person I want to be is [someone who] always tries to go with the flow as I think that making plans and setting expectations can make it more difficult on yourself. I hope I could be a person who can leave a good impact on others. WayV to me is just like a family who always does everything together and takes care of each other asking ‘have you already eaten?’. Everyone has an open mind to try and accept new challenges. During the 'Moonwalk' promotion period, I was kinda surprised how well we got along. Having received recognition for my skills since debut. The times when the expectations are high are: Art and languages too are ever-evolving disciplines, so it's not easy to keep up. Nevertheless, there are self-expectations and anticipations to show a new side of myself. I will work hard (laughs). I still play Pokemon Go and I'm waiting for the June update. I will catch a lot of new Pokemon again! To Xiaojun: with whom I saw Harry Potter together yesterday! Let's make an appearance in Harry Potter when there is a reboot.

— Hendery

Flexible midfielder, Hendery — Something I’ve gotten into recently is practicing playing drums. Kun hyung is cooking a lot lately so I’ve been reviewing the food too. The other day he made kimchi jjigae so good that it even got an approval from manager hyung. My favourite track is ‘Take Off’. We filmed the music video in Ukraine and spent loads of happy times together, so I feel happier whenever I listen to it. Something I’ve improved on since debut is that recording songs takes less time. When I hear a member of staff say ‘Is this really Hendery’s voice?’ I feel proud of myself. The charm of my vocal is: I’m still looking for it, but I feel like my rap sounds nice when I spice it up with a little melody. Good at giving advice to our members. A tip to giving good advice is: it’s important to have helping and not making decisions in mind. Talk about both bad and good points about the A and B. The secret to always looking like I’m at peace is my parents always telling me ‘Your happiness is the most important. You always have a home to come back to, so work as much as you can enjoy’, thanks to them I grew up as someone with little stress or worries. Mindset that I don’t want to lose is the excitement before going on stage. I think the most important thing for an artist is their greed for performing. When I get on stage the most important is interacting with fans. The most memorable stage was our Korean debut on <Show! Champion>. I couldn’t believe we’re performing Chinese songs in Korea. I was so overwhelmed to see our fans welcoming us so enthusiastically even though they didn’t understand what we were saying. I opened an instagram account recently. My posting plan is ‘This is where I am‘ ‘I am filming today’. I want to showcase my daily self. I hope our fans can smile for a brief moment when they see the pics I had the most fun taking. To me WayV is: I feel empty when I go away to see my family for a little. Every time that happens I facetime them to relieve the sadness. Lucas is the member who picks up the most (laugh). To Lucas: No matter how busy we get, even if we become grandpas, I’ll always be by your side. It’s something I want to say to all of the members, but Lucas is a friend I'm especially attached to so I really wanted to say this.

— Yangyang

Infinite potential, bold maknae Yangyang — I speak Chinese, German, English Korean and Spanish. Great language skills are useful when you travel. Whenever I talk with friends of various nationalities, I think it's fortunate that I can speak many languages. In our team alone, it's full [with people who speak] Chinese, Thai, English, and Korean (laughs). My role in the team is being the happy virus! Although of course, the hyungs think I'm a maknae that requires a lot of energy from them. WayV to me is a high tension team that can deliver strong and positive energy. If someone shows a slight sign of exhaustion, we immediately stick together and somehow infect each other with energy. I think that such energy is conveyed to fans on stage. If I have learned anything from living together with the members [it would be] the habit I have developed to control my greed and to care for others. I'm used to looking at the other's feelings now before doing something. My favorite song is ‘King of Hearts’, because I participated in writing the lyrics. I also love 'Love Talk' from the 2nd mini album. It is a charming song that is sweet and sexy but has a way to make your body move. My ambition as a rapper is the flow. Because I think this is the aspect that determines the impression of a song from the listener's point of view. I want to be a multi-talented person who is good at not only rapping but also dancing, singing, and writing lyrics. I've always had a lot of ambition. The attractive part of writing lyrics is that I can tell my story, since from a long time ago, I wrote lyrics little by little and it's always fun work. I want to steadily keep doing it. I like Virgil Ablo and Demna Gvasalia, and the fashion icon who caught my eye these days is Mike Amirie. I am drawn to people who have a simple yet clear style. The same goes for musicians. I like people who have a clear style like Travis Scott and A$AP Rocky. I’ve said 'I like who I am' before. Instances when I am especially like myself is when I'm confident. When I have confidence and want to show off, I can show much more than my actual skills. I use SNS to check on NBA and fashion news. I see the news on sneakers I'm looking forward to fast. Surprisingly, I don't look up anything about me [but] when a stage or performance is over I do look up the reactions. Most of them are good, so every time I read, I get energized. To Hendery: hyung, you seem to really get into gaming, but don't try too hard (laughs).

— Xiaojun

Warm voice, Xiaojun — Something I’m into these days is practicing the songs that will be included in the next album that we are preparing for. Before debuting, I only sang my favorite ballad song, but nowadays, I want to sing songs of other genres such as R&B. I've been uploading videos of me singing on my personal Instagram. My favorite song is ‘Face to Face’. My heart warms up every time I hear it. I really like the lyrics ‘You won’t be lonely because I’ll be your strength, I won’t let you cope with your wounds alone in silence’. The keywords that describe me are kind. Friendly. Positive. I often say ‘I wish my songs were healing different people’. The way I heal myself is: my heart calms down when I look at pictures with many memories sealed in them. I take a lot of pictures of the scenery and especially when I look at the pictures of my hometown in Guangdong I feel healed. The reason behind my strong sensitivity is the big influence of my dad who’s a singer and my older brother. Ever since I was little we would often watch movies together. I graduated with a musical major. My greed for musicals is: I’ll surely do it again later. I like starring in musicals but one day I’d like to make my own. A musical piece I’d like to recommend is <Dear Evan Hansen> who won at Tony Awards and Grammys. It’s a warm story about a lonely high school boy suffering from social anxiety disorder, who is working on his trauma and healing from the pain. My way of dealing with stress is quiet time on my own. Just like positive energy, negative energy is easily spread to others, so I’d rather be alone. A memory I really want to make is a trip, I promised to go on before debuting, with the members. The destination is still undecided. The kind of team member I want to be is a silent supporter. It would be nice if I can be 'my people/dearest' to others. Something I want to do this year is to have an event for the fans. I like to surprise friends or throw surprise birthday parties. I think fans will love it if we would do a guerilla performance. I told you here so I have to throw [that idea] away and I will prepare something else (laughs). To Ten: You are one of the 'Hyung-line', and you Korean is the best so there are many times you have to lead us. Don't carry everything on your own and sometimes lean on us! The same goes for Kun hyung.

t/n: Due to the structure of this interview there might be inaccuracies as many things only made sense in Korean but sounded kinda awkward in English (more so compared to other translations we did). We tried our best to convey what they meant, but please keep this in mind when reading this interview.

Translation: Alex, Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: ELLE Korea Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

#NCT #wayv #kun #ten #winwin #lucas #hendery #xiaojun #yangyang #t:trans #t:interview #ELLE #ELLE: May 2020

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stealing-jasons-job · 4 years

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Fic updates & timeline 🥰

Here is my current prompt list and potential timeline.

I’m currently participating in the @t100fic-for-blm initiative, and I am working through those prompts in the order I’ve received them. I appreciate all of you guys being patient (especially with my WIPs that have taken a backseat for the initiative), and I’m excited for what’s coming down the pipeline! At the moment, I am not accepting new prompts until I can work through this list. <3

The rest is under the cut, but here is an up-to-date look at my fic list:

Current ongoing projects

Upcoming fics

WIPS I swear I haven’t abandoned

Current ongoing projects

Wreck Jroth Club Fic Collab

Would you choose the end of war and suffering in your own lifetime if it meant the end of every other universe, too—including ones where you, your friends, and your family are happy and at peace?

Or, the S7 finale rewrite where Clarke experiences some of these other lifetimes and makes the ultimate choice of whether or not the end of suffering in her own reality is worth sacrificing infinite others where things might have gone differently.

An angsty fic collab where different writers from the Bellarke fandom write different chapters as part of an overarching story. Each intro is written by me, as well as the first chapter, last chapter, and a few sprinkled in the middle. Follow @wreck-jroth-club for updates!

Bellarke Big Bang - Find me in the light

While I can’t unveil the premise just yet, I am a writer, creator, and mod alongside @animmortalist for Bellarke Big Bang 2021! First chapter will publish in June, but I’ll be working on this fic in my spare time between now and then. Y’all, get ready for some ANGST. I haven’t been this excited about a fic in a long time.

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Upcoming fics

Linctavia prompt — official title TBD

Prompted by @1munequita

Linctavia as sexually frustrated parents whose daughter continually interrupts them.

Cross my heart - official title TBD

Prompted by @thecspenciskillingme

Gallagher Girls AU!

Normal 18-year-old girls graduate high school and then go off to college with their friends. Maybe they join a sorority. Hell, maybe they get a boyfriend or girlfriend and fall in love. They sleep in and skip class and stay up late with their equally normal friends.

But Clarke Griffin has never been normal.

It comes with the territory of being the daughter of two renowned spies for the CIA. Clarke had been raised to speak seven languages and be able to change her entire appearance with nothing but a pair of nail clippers and some shoe polish. She wasn't built for normal.

Angsty. Spy shit. Multi-chapter.

I see a monster’s eyes in the mirror - official title TBD

Prompted by @constellationbellamy

S6/7 AU — Bellamy got nightblood in S6 when Josie took him prisoner, and Bellamy is who Slim Sheidy "takes over" in S7. Fulfilling all of our void!Bellamy dreams without the religious indoctrination ala Steve and Etherea. Also, there will finally be a reason why no one killed Slim Sheidy as soon as they realized he was back.

Is this potentially the angstiest idea I’ve ever had? 120% But don’t worry, it’ll have a happy ending. My name is not Jason.

Criminal Minds AU - official title TBD

Prompted by @constellationbellamy

A Bellarke Criminal Minds AU.

Song prompt: Let You Down by NF

Prompted by @edgelessness

Everyone thinks Clarke has the perfect life, including her best friend's older brother Bellamy. But that's far from the truth.

Angsty AF.

Bear Grylls AU - official title TBD

Prompted by @slyth-princess

A collab between myself and @writetheniteaway for Beardcave.

Don’t expect me to fall in love with her, too - official title TBD

Prompted by @writetheniteaway

Against all odds, Steve Doucette fell in love with Bellamy Blake. And Bellamy fell for him, too. But once they start rebuilding back on Earth after the "the last war” and transcendence turns out to be a myth, Steve starts to realize exactly what Bellamy meant in the cave when he said Octavia and Clarke were the most important people in his life.

As he gets to know the blonde, he can see the deep connection that exists between her and Bellamy. They are part of each other’s souls, and Steve can’t help but admire the way they are together. He’s not going to stand in the way of their relationship, whatever it is — after all, he was raised believing you could love more than one person equally. He knows Bell loves him, and he’s okay with the knowledge that Bellamy loves Clarke, too. But just because he understands why his boyfriend loves her doesn’t mean he has plans to fall in love with her himself.

Then again, you know what they say about well-laid plans.

Angsty. Sappy. <3 The OT3 we deserve. Multi-chapter.

Two sides of a coin — official title TBD

Prompted by @sparklyfairymira

Bellarke/Jeresa crossfic for all you QotS fans! Teresa and James are trying to establish themselves in the Dallas market, but DEA agents Clarke and Bellamy are determined to not make it easy. Throughout the fic, both sides will start to understand the other a little more and learn how to coexist without sacrificing their livelihoods or their integrity.

Angsty AF. Multi-chapter.

WIPs I swear I haven’t abandoned

Since joining the BLM initiative, my focus has shifted away from WIP updates and toward completing prompts as they come in. To be honest, I was not expecting to receive as many prompts as I have (which is amazing on so many levels), so I apologize for how long it’s been since some of my fics have been updated.

I appreciate you all being patient, but here are the WIPs I swear I haven’t abandoned! If anyone wants to prompt chapter updates for the BLM initiative, that will help get these on the prios list sooner. But otherwise, these bad boys will still get done. Albeit more slowly.

I'm gonna get myself back home to you

S4/5 AU where Bellarke gets together before he goes to the Ring, and he never believes she’s really dead. Told from multiple POVs before, during, and after the Ring.

Next update: Ch. 6 — March 2021

Intertwining Your Soul

Arranged marriage grounder fic.

Next update: Ch. 12 - March 2021

Amor vincit onmia

S7 rewrite to spite Jason.

Next update: Ch. 2 — March 2021

There are some things written in the stars

Timeless AU

Next update: Ch. 4 - April 2021

Choices We Make

Greys Anatomy AU.

Next update: Ch. 9 - April 2021

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If you’ve made it to the end of this long-ass update post, I commend you. lol But hopefully for those of you wondering when certain things will be published or what upcoming fics you can expect from me, this provides some clarity!

You may have noticed I took off the expected publish dates. I’m trying like hell to stick to a schedule, but I can’t make any promises and I hated letting anyone down if something didn’t get published on the expected date.

Shoutout to my BAHSA babes for keeping me sane, thebellarkes Discord for enabling my angsty-ass fic ideas (and for prompting me for BLM to write a ton of said ideas). Forever grateful for a community of people who support my writing!

Come hang out with me on AO3 @stealing-jasons-job or Twitter @stealjasonsjob!

#madison writes things #my fic list

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heartlandians · 3 years

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ALISHA NEWTON

Actress and equestrian Alisha Newton from the hit series "Heartland" shares her personal experiences and views on mental health.

How has Covid affected your personal life and what do you do to cope with its challenges?

The pandemic has had a major impact on my personal life and mental health. This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. I am grateful for the support system I've created that's helped me get through it. I attend therapy and try to practice self-care as a top priority in order to cope with these crazy times. One of the hardest things about the pandemic for me has been not being able to see my friends. Most of my friends live in far away places and I used to rely on travelling to be able to visit them and maintain those connections. It's been really tough not being able to visit them. I've been trying my best to FaceTime and keep up with my best friends as much as possible.

How has your schedule as an actress been affected by Covid? Do you have any upcoming projects?

It actually completely shut down a project that I was filming last spring but luckily the production was able to resume this winter. I was filming a 'Guest Star' role on a new drama/sci-fi series for NBC called 'Debris'. It will air on March 1st. We also had to delay the filming of an Independent film that I produced and starred in called 'Stargazed'. As a producer it definitely presented with many new challenges but we managed to complete the project and hope to start submitting it for film festivals later this year. It's actually a very timely film that tackles the current uncertainty of the world. Our story follows high schoolers weighed down by the fear of the future losing themselves in a whirlpool of a graduation party to ignore their anxieties... also, the world is ending. It's a metaphor for how when a chapter in life ends it can feel like your entire world is ending.

Covid also affected Heartland and delayed the start of season 14 by a couple of months. It has also had an effect on the number of opportunities or auditions for a while now. Luckily things are slowly starting to pick up as productions learn how to cope in the 'new norm'.

What's your best advice to teens struggling with their mental health?

My best advice to teens struggling with mental health is to reach out for help. I've struggled with mental health over the years and my support system is what's gotten me through it. I would also highly recommend therapy to anyone. Not just for when you're going through a rough patch. I maintain my therapy sessions even when I'm feeling my best.

How did you get into show jumping?

I've been riding horses since I was two years old with my grandma. I didn't start show jumping until I was about 10 years old. I started taking English riding lessons when I joined the set of Heartland and fell in love with the precision of the discipline. I started competing a year after and bought my first horse when I was 14. Horses are still a very important part of my life even though I don't compete or ride as often anymore. The best times in my life have been on a horse.

What has been your favourite memory working on the set of Heartland?

I don't know if I can pinpoint one specific memory on set. But I will say that I am incredibly grateful for what the show has taught me. Over the years I have learned countless lessons from the animals on our show, the wranglers, the crew, and our cast. I've built some of my most cherished relationships on Heartland and learned some of the most integral life lessons from my peers on that show.

What kind of things do you do to calm your nerves while performing?

I don't typically get a lot of nerves while filming. Since I've been acting for such a long time it comes fairly naturally to me now. I do however get anxious when going into an audition room. To keep myself calm I focus on my breathing and try to focus on what I'm doing as opposed to the anxiety I'm feeling. I try to remember that the nerves I'm feeling are a good thing and keep in mind that I'm doing what I love most.

What advice can you offer for aspiring young actors?

To aspiring young actors, I advise you to never stop learning. Take as many classes as you can, and ask as many questions as possible. Never be afraid to ask questions. Success comes from hard work and dedication. Many believe that the film industry and the success of actors comes from lucky and this is just untrue. If you apply yourself and believe that you can do it, you will get there and you will succeed.

What challenges have you faced in your career or life, and how have you overcome them?

Growing up in the public eye and growing up as a working actor has come with many challenges. I did not have a normal childhood. I worked over 60 hour weeks when you include school, which made it hard to find time for a social life. I did not have many friends growing up and I still do not have many friends. I felt I was forced to mature a lot faster than other kids my age which made it hard to connect with people unless they were much older than me. Throughout my childhood I was surrounded by adults, so these are the people I've always gotten along best with. Other challenges that came with working on set were being away from home for months at a time. This was really hard on me and was a source of stress for a long time. I actually lost half of my hair a few years ago due to the tremendous stress and pressure I was under. It made me realize the importance of prioritizing self-care. And I don't mean the frilly cute side of self-care like bath bombs and face masks. I mean taking the time to get to know yourself and asking for help and taking a break when you need it.

What's at the very top of your bucket list?

Something at the very top of my bucket list is travelling to my favourite places. Specifically, I've always wanted to travel to St. Petersburg, Russia. Many people think that's an odd choice for a dream destination. I've always been obsessed with the history there and the architecture is so beautiful.

If you could play any other character on Heartland for just one episode, who would you choose?

If I could play another character on Heartland it would probably be Tim Fleming. I think he is one of the most complex characters on the show and it would be really fun to dive into that. I also really admire Chris Potter as an actor. I believe he's one of the most talented actors I've ever met so I'd take any opportunity to learn more from him.

How do you practice gratitude and stay so humble?

Gratitude has proven to be one of the most important tools I've used to get through this year. I believe gratitude is one of the most important things to practice daily. It keeps you humble and encourages positivity in your life. You can always find something to be grateful for. This year has made me realize how grateful I am for so many things in my life.

What do you do to overcome lack of motivation?

Something I found helpful when trying to overcome lack of motivation is counting. I know that sounds so silly and simple but it really works. Counting to three before I do something has helped me a lot. For example, I could be laying in bed not wanting to get up, not wanting to work out, not wanting to start my day. To get myself going I will count to three and on three I will get up. Even if I don't know what I'm going to do, on three I will get out of my bed and do something, anything.

What's your number one beauty/self-care tip?

My number one self-care tip is to wash your pillowcase. I feel like people don't talk about this enough. You should be washing your pillowcase once a week MINIMUM.

You lay on your pillow every night. Give yourself a fresh place to rest your head an a clean surface for your face. It feels nice and your skin will thank you. Fresh sheets in general I find always make me feel better. But specifically washing your pillowcase is important.

What is the one word that describes you best?

One word that best describes me is probably the word emotional. Many people think being emotional is a negative thing, but I think being emotionally aware is very important. I'm a very emotional person and I feel things very deeply. I'm grateful for this even though it can be draining sometimes. I feel that being an emotional person is what allows me to build such deep connections with my peers and it has helped me so much with my career. Emotional intelligence is very important to me.

Have you ever struggled with mental health, and if so, how did you overcome your challenges?

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for many years of my life, the pandemic has definitely made it more challenging to take care of my mental health. This past year has been really difficult so I'm trying my best to make time for myself and reach out to my friends and family when I'm feeling unwell.

Therapy has likely been my most valuable tool this past year. I'm so grateful for the valuable tools my therapist has provided me with to cope with anxiety or harmful thoughts. Some days are better than others, but overall I am proud of the place I am in right now mentally.

Some things that have helped me overcome this year's challenges have been maintaining a healthy routine, attending therapy, going on long walks in the forest with my dog, and reaching out to the people I love when I feel like I need help.

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#heartland #alisha newton #interview #sophia lia magazine #covid 19 #debris #stargazed #mental health #showjumping #friend #st petersburg #russia #chris potter

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dabblescrawl · 4 years

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Once Bitten, Twice Shy - Part One

Request by @ratatata-ah While Oscar is incarcerated, the reader took care of Cesar and when Oscar gets out he and the reader (Monse’s cousin) meet for the first time. Oscar quickly becomes infatuated with the reader and invites her to his “welcome home” party to get to know her more. The reader is shy and Oscar is very flirtatious trying to get her to open up more. Long story short, the series could be about Oscar falling in love with the reader

Monse and her crew had been friends since birth it seemed. In truth, I suppose it was grade school when they were all kinders and the rag-tag group had formed. Monse, always her style, had been the outspoken one who took quickly to learning. Cesar had kept up with her academically and they had often found themselves in the same groups assigned by their teachers. The pair’s quick wit and blunt personalities had matched right away. Cesar was also a protector. Even as small children Ruby and Jamal had been in need of that. And so the small group of wildly different perspectives had formed.

Sitting in the Diaz house now watching them argue about the rules for Clue, I rolled my eyes. Their little group seemed to conflict more than they agreed, and yet the soon to be high schoolers seemed tight as ever. Often when you were watching them spend time together like this you were slightly jealous of their tight bond. Despite any bickering or arguments, the group always had each other’s backs. They protected and supported one another. The world be damned and destroyed if it tried to hold down any one of the four.

Many times I’d wished my friendships were like that. Of course they weren’t. Sure I had friends but I am a continuous giver without much reciprocation. I am a part of several friend groups due to my kind spirit and personality, but none of those groups ever felt like my own, not the way the Core 4 belonged to each other. It probably was related to my hesitant and unsure nature when it came to sharing myself with others. It was easier to be a yes woman and do what was asked of me than build any personal connections.

Shaking away the thoughts of self pity and jealousy, because those never resulted in anything good, I elected to see what was still in the fridge from my last shopping trip. Opening the door I saw a few things but nothing of substance left. I nodded to myself, grabbing the keys off the countertop and heading towards the door.

“I’m going to the store,” I announced, my words unheard over the game, “Ay!” I shouted over their voices to try again. Four sets of eyes trained on me. “Cesar and Monse, any requests from the store for food this week?” Both preteens shook their heads negative. “Ok, well I’m going now then, and then when I get back…”

“Everybody better get their asses outside to help carry it in.” They answered.

I nodded, “And then everybody is going home,” which was answered by 4 sets of eye rolls. “Eh, eh, it’s a school night,” four more nods. “Last call on requests because…”

“I’m only going once” they echoed again, cutting me off.

“Awww,” I replied sweetly tugging at Monse’s check who was closest to me, “I have trained you so well.” I giggled and headed out the door as the bickering started again.

The mothering thing had come naturally to me, but I guess that was to be expected, I had raised myself from a young age. When Uncle Monty first started long hauls he was only gone overnight and I’d gone to stay with Monse. But the money was better and I was free anyways so nights turned to weekends, and weekends, turned to weeks, and those weeks were sometimes continuous. I’d lived there through most of high school and simply stayed after I graduated three years ago. I’d always been able to go out on a limb for either Monse or Cesar and be more assertive, but when it came to myself that was a skill I lacked.

After Cesar’s brother had gotten locked up, he’d been a mess. How was a 10 year old kid supposed to take care of himself? And the truth was, he wasn’t. In fact, it was by some miracle at all that he’d been overlooked and allowed to continue to live outside of the foster system himself. And I intended to keep him that way. Sure, he was alone a lot, but the Core 4 and myself also tried to have him around as much as possible. So really, he wasn’t alone all that much more than you or Monse. The thought of foster care just did too much to disrupt his life so you’d made it your mission to make sure it didn’t happen to either of them.

Pulling the coffee off the pot and pouring it into the cup I slid my phone out of my pocket and speed dialed 2. “Hello” came the groggy voice on the other end.

“Morning, sleepy head” he smiled into the phone, “Have you taken a shower yet?” The voice mumbled an affirmative. “What’d you have for breakfast?” The voice slurped into the phone as if to answer the question.

Mouth clearly full, the answer was garbled, “Cereal”.

I nodded to myself, “Brushed your teeth?”

“YES MOM” was answered from the frustrated half yell.

“Listen here friend,” I started, “it’s a call or a visit, you want your mornings to yourself you just answer.”

“I know” Cesar conceded, “I have to get dressed so I’ll be ready when everybody gets here.

“Have a great day, learn something new, and…be good” we finished in unison. “Bye, companero”

“Bye”

I hung up and took the first deep gulp of piping hot coffee. Ok, one down, one to go. I marched off towards Monse’s room where I completed almost the same routine with much more resistance from Monse than Cesar had given me. The teen years were going to be fun.

With everyone off to school you hurried around to tidy up the house, finish getting ready for work, and barely made it out the door on time.

Monse had just left for writing camp for the summer. For the first time in a long time, there wasn’t a kid in the house for you to take care of. You’d picked up extra shifts, carefully scheduling them when Cesar should be asleep or with friends so that he wouldn’t be alone all the time.

As seemed to be my norm, I had done some favors for my friends this morning and was completely behind when I had wanted to leave. I texted Cesar apologizing and letting him know I would make a late lunch, instead of noon as we had planned. No response yet, I hoped he hadn’t decided to eat without me.

I hurried to finish getting ready and chose to leave the house with soaking wet hair. I mean Cesar has seen me before, no need to waste anymore time getting prepped, we were just having lunch.

I pulled into the drive and noticed quite a few more cholos in the yard. I frowned, that’s weird, sometimes different homies come around to check on Cesar, but never this many. Something had to be going on.

I stepped out of the car and headed for the house. Opening the door I yelled for Cesar, “Hey, Cesar, just me. I’ll get lunch started!” I made my way into the kitchen without really taking a look around, “Also, what’s going on, there’s like a bunch of people outside.” I pulled the ingredients for lunch from the cabinets and the fridge with ease, after all it’s not my first time cooking here.

“Uh, Y/N” Cesar said, seemingly hesitant near the fridge.

“What’s up dude” I smiled and continued about my business.

“And who do you think you are?” a deep, booming, voice came from behind where Cesar stood.

I turned and my jaw dropped to see Cesar’s older brother Spooky behind him. Blinking a few times, I gathered myself.

“Uh, hi, Spooky” I started, then gained a little more confident and raised my voice above a whisper, “You probably don’t know me, I am Monse’s cousin, Y/N.” You paused as the information didn’t seem to answer his question, his face hard and betrayed no emotion. “Um, I have been watching out for Cesar since you’ve been gone.” I finished.

“Yeah, Oscar, she’s been awesome. She checks on me every day, and does the grocery shopping, and well most of the cooking too.” Cesar started his words tumbling out in a rush.

“Monse’s cousin?” he asks.

I nod, “Yeah, my mom is Uncle Monty’s, that’s Monse’s dad, sister. I didn’t move to Freeridge full time until she died” I shrugged, it was old news.

He nodded as if taking in this new information. “Well thanks for taking care of my mano'' he said, placing his hand on Cesar’s shoulder.

“Now I get why everyone is outside” I answered, turning back to the food, “well” I said clicking my teeth and surveying the contents of the fridge. “I don’t think I have what we need to serve everybody. But I can do lunch for the three of us.” I said turning back to the Diaz brothers and waving my pointer finger in a circle at each of us and each nodded in turn.

“Give me like” I made a calculating face waving my hands in that little up down motion for about “20 minutes and it’ll be on the table. Give or take.” I amended my previous statement.

When I finished lunch, I laid it out on the table and mostly listened to Cesar detail to Spooky everything that had gone on since he’d been locked up. There was a lot to catch up on in Cesar’s life, and that of the block. Mostly I was quiet but every now and then Cesar would turn to me for a detail or I’d prod him about a subject that he’d forgotten to include. Spooky would look at me intently each time I did speak and I couldn’t figure out the look he was wearing when he did.

After lunch I cleaned up and was headed for home. “Ay, Y/N” Spooky stopped me before I left for the afternoon. “We’re having a party tomorrow night. Beers on me, thanks for taking such good care of Cesar.”

Standing in your room you weren’t quite sure what you should wear. Parties weren’t really your thing after all. The concept was always appealing but the practice was always less than desirable. At the time that you had accepted it had sounded like a fine idea and now you weren’t really looking forward to it at all. You weren’t even sure you’d know anyone there at all except Spooky. Well and possibly Cesar, but, the idea of drinking with a nearly 14 year old made your motherly, legal, brain uncomfortable. You laughed at yourself, because a Santos party was the place to be concerned about legality.

Sighing and looking back at your bed you decided to play eeny meeny miney mo with yourself. If you didn’t choose soon you’d chicken out entirely. I wanted to try to be a little more adventurous and also I had told Spooky I would be there, if I don’t go it’s like backing out on a promise. In the end you ended up with a pair of black ripped skinny jeans and a strappy but flowy tank. My hair isn’t usually as unruly as Monse’s, but today I had no such luck. I threw it in a couple of tight braids and hurried to put on some make up. I looked at myself in the mirror on my door as I tied my converse. Close enough, I thought.

When I got to the Diaz house I was grateful for 3 things, my outfit allowed me to stay relatively cool and comfortable even in the California summer evening, I had chosen to walk because the curb was packed with cars, and Cesar was right out front. If it hadn’t been for his catching my eye, I probably would have turned around before ever stepping foot into the party. There were a lot of people here, like A LOT of people.

Cesar had taken me to the backyard as he’s been instructed by Spooky and cracked open my choice of beers. I was both afraid to drink too much and too socially awkward not to get a little liquor courage in my veins. “Next, stop, Spooky” Cesar announced.

“What?” I asked eyebrows furrowed.

“He said he wanted to know when you got here, he was by the DJ last time I saw him” Cesar turned and began snaking through the people in the yard and a beat or two later I was following him.

Read Part Two Here

#Oscar Diaz #oscar imagine #oscar x reader #oscar diaz imagine #oscar on my block #spooky imagine #spooky x reader #spooky on my block #spooky diaz #spooky diaz x reader #on my block imagine

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