#to just be able to give up and live with my chronic pain and migraines | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

littlemissmanga · 7 months

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I just need opinions on how you think any of the 501st men or Clone-Force 99 would handle chronic pain, something like migraines maybe, in their partner? I love all your work btw it's really incredible 🩵🩵🩵

Aw, thank you, Nonnie!

So this is something I think about a lot as I have a fucked up back. Fortunately, I have a really good group of drs so I've been able to go longer and longer without a flair up, but when I'm incapacitated on my couch, thinking of how these guys would react brings me so much comfort.

I think most of the boys would be really understanding and helpful. But let's get into it! HCs below the cut :)

Hunter may be able to sense acutely when you have a bad day before you even notice the symptoms (those heightened senses strike me like the way medical alert dogs can sense a seizure coming on in their human). His first instinct is to hold you against him, but he holds off until he ensures you are in the most comfortable place, your environment is perfect for what you need, and you have any medication needed. Then he'll wrap around you and do what he can to make you feel better. IDK why, but I feel like he'd gently hum a little tune as he holds you, literally trying anything and everything to soothe you. If he can't take away the physical pain, he can make damn sure you feel cared for.

Wrecker is also someone who's gonna try and cuddle you through an episode. If that's something that helps you, you'll be in heaven. He'll literally make a nest for you and bring you all the snacks. If your condition comes with muscle pain, he'll give you the most gentle and soothing massage. He will get that sad look in his eyes, though. Personally, I like seeing my partner care but I know some people don't like to feel pitied so if that's you, you may need to have a conversation with him. Similarly, if physical contact isn't helpful for you, you'll have to let him down gently. Best to give him something else to do - like help with the responsibilities you can't do - because Wrecker really doesn't like feeling as if he can't help.

Tech is going to learn everything about your condition itself. And I mean everything. He'll become the (secret) preeminent expert on your condition if he has to - and he'll very much believe he has to because frankly he doesn't trust previous doctors who told you this was just a condition you'll have to live with. You have to have a few talks with him that his insistence on trying new approaches to "cures" isn't helpful when you're having a flair up, and that while you love the intention behind it, you need him to either help you in the moment or leave it to you. That sobers him up a bit. But he mostly just puts the "cure" search on the backburner and focuses more on finding the optimal remedies for your symptoms in the moment. He won't really cuddle with you unless you expressly ask but he absolutely will bring his datapad into the room and research/work by your bedside so he can monitor your progress. He'll wake you every few hours to give you more medicine and make sure you stay hydrated.

Echo also studies up on your condition, but unlike Tech, he only cares about remedies. He'll run his findings by Tech, but generally trusts the literature regarding mitigating symptoms. If you find something that works better than other remedies, he's a stickler about making sure you have access to that remedy at all times. He's a big believer in being prepared. He may have some small treats for you, but he'd prefer to have nutritionally balanced food for you during a flair up to give your body everything it needs to get through this and recover. He usually doesn't cuddle with you, preferring to give you the space you need to settle in and recover. But he will be touching you constantly - caressing your head or arm - and talking softly with you if you're up for it.

Crosshair doesn't like admitting your condition scares him. You've explained it's not fatal or anything but it does cause you pain on the regular. And he doesn't like how matter of fact you are when you tell him you experience pain strong enough to put you out of commission with enough regularity that you have a plan for what to do when it happens. He knows you're not a complainer and you tend to push yourself, so for something to knock you out means it's serious. He feels useless and weak at not being able to help in what he feels is a meaningful way.

At first, he'll pull away, selfishly hiding from the sight of you in pain because he doesn't want to confront it. But if he does see you struggling or if he hears you in pain/call his name, he'll be right at your side. You need him. You asked for him. He won't leave you alone again. It'll take him a bit to figure out little tricks to helping you/making you feel better, but eventually he'll get into a rhythm. And woe be to anyone who crosses your path if you have a flair up in public - Crosshair is very much a shoot/punch first ask if they were a threat to you (in act or attitude) later.

501st Boys

Jesse, and Fives are going to learn all they can about the best way to make you feel better not through research but literally by quizzing you. They try asking the first time they see you in an acute flair up and realize those questions will have to wait until you're feeling a little better. And by quiz, I mean these guys prove why ARCs are made different. They'll get down into the minute details. The next time you feel your pain coming on, they'll make sure the environment is perfect for you to rest - as dark and quiet as you need, with all the water and snacks you could possibly want. And they'll totally give you snacks you want that'll make you feel better emotionally more than good for you snacks. If they can stay, they'll bring you bring you fresh, cool towels to drape over your forehead or ice packs/heating packs for your muscles every 30 minutes. Both feel like failures when they have to leave you during an episode.

Between the two, Jesse definitely relies on his humor and tries to keep you talking (if it doesn't hurt you more) to get you through this, and you love that he treats you like normal, that there's no pity in his eyes. But for Fives, this is a situation where he actually gets quiet, lowering his energy to give you the space to rest up.

Kix is, like Tech, going to do all the research. Unlike Tech, Kix has access to military-grade medical facilities. And he WILL use them to get a thorough understanding not just of your condition, but how your body handles the condition. He hates to see you in pain, and it's a negotiation with him as to how much medication you want/need as if Kix had his way, he'd just stick you in a bacta tank each flair up to minimize your pain and any damage ... which obviously isn't practical. Also, there's no "Maybe I can push through it, this flair up feels manageable." The moment Kix knows you're feeling symptoms, you're in the medbay. You'll also find the smallest of treats next to your bed when you wake up.

Dogma similarly, tolerates no negotiation. Sure, you've been dealing with your condition for a while, but if you're not following dr.'s or Kix's orders to the letter, he will make you. I feel like Dogma is incredibly passionate and feels deeply, and he will not risk your health or well being, even if you ask him to just trust you. Eventually, you need a mediation with Kix so Dogma gives you a little room to breathe. Like Wrecker, it helps to give Dogma things to do while you have a flair up so he feels like he's helping. He'll bring you everything you need and then go tidy up your living space or do your paperwork on your behalf or just general errands you need to run. Acts of service is his love language anyway, so this is a system that works really well for you both.

Rex hates that he can't always be with you during a flair up. He literally has a list of people you can call (in order of those he trusts the most to take care of you) if you need assistance. But you've come up with a code to message to his datapad in case he can't be there. If he gets your message, he'll excuse himself as quickly as possible to call you and just talk you through the worst of your flair up and ask if you need someone to be with you.

If he can be there, you won't find a more attentive and gentle person to nurse you through. He'll make sure you're settled and have everything you need and he'll talk you through it until you fall asleep. Then, he'll straighten up your living space and make some food for you for when you wake up. When you do, he'll give you a small portion to start with and hold you against him when you're done.

Tup will run you the most perfect bath ever. Water at the perfect temperature, no harsh smells in case that makes things worse. He helps you get settled then starts helping you wash. And by helping I mean he refuses to let you do anything for yourself. Getting your hair washed by Tup is a spiritual experience and something that, even if your pain persists, reenergizes your soul. He'll dry you gently with the fluffiest towels and then settles you in your room with all your comforts. He's another who will sit by your side until you feel better and he'll cuddle on request if it won't hurt you more.

I hope this is what you were looking for!!

Taglist: @clonemedickix @idontgetanysleep @sunshinesdaydream @dystopicjumpsuit @dreamie411 @secondaryrealm @wizardofrozz @wolffegirlsunite @blueink-bluesoul @wings-and-beskar @freesia-writes @multi-fan-dom-madness @starrylothcat @sinfulsalutations

#tbb #the bad batch #tbb hc #501st battalion #501st headcanons #captain rex #clone trooper dogma #clone trooper tup #clone medic kix #arc trooper fives #arc trooper jesse #sergeant hunter #tbb hunter #tbb tech #tbb wrecker #tbb echo #tbb crosshair

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metalheadsforblacklivesmatter · 2 years

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I advise you not seek this content out. There's a reason I'm not linking it. It's full of abelism and gaslighting. But I just want to show you what I'm about to rant about because this woman is claiming chronic illness doesn't exist and women specifically are faking to get a diagnosis for attention. And she's claiming this is a mental health issue.

As a disabled person, I need to rant.

The first time I got a migraine. I was 10 years old. They were near constant. I know exactly how old I was because when I went to the doctor, he said it was probably the braces shifting the bones in my skull. They were called just headaches.

If you've ever had a migraine, you would understand that if you were experiencing this much pain, and you were told there was a way to make it stop, you GRAB that shit. I had my braces removed before my jaw was finished straightening because I shouldn't have had braces in the first place and my baby teen started falling out (very late, I know).

And when my adult teeth came in, I BEGGED my doctor to not give me braces again. And remember what I said earlier. If you're experiencing migraine level symptoms and you were told there was a way to make it stop. You grab that chance. Yes, my teeth are still fucked up. Yes, this leads to me dealing with chronic jaw pain.

You don't get how much pain I was in just... all the fucking time. My parents had to carry large bottles of advil with them at all times. Some of my earliest memories is being at a restaurant and my mom being like "I know this is weird but do you have any advil? I forgot to refill the bottle and my daughter is in too much pain to eat". Just from the migraine.

I was taking adult doses of pain meds with my doctors telling me to alternate Advil and Tylenol every 2 hours at the age of 10 (most meds say not for children under 12). Because migraine was not a diagnosis that existed.

When I was in high school, I finally did get a diagnosis from my PCP of "migraine". Idk if it ever went on the record but a was prescribed migraine medication. Which was essentially prescription strength advil and imitrex. There weren't exactly a lot of options back then.

And I again have specific memories of being in school. The ring of the fire alarm during a fire drill triggers a migraine. First thing I had to do when we went back in was go to the nurse and nurse had to call my parents and they had to bring my meds (special school rules the nurse needed the prescription bottle which would make it hard to have any at home). And the nurse was like "when's it gonna work?" And my mom was like "idk. If it does work it'll be like 30 minutes" and the nurse was like "Yeah we can't keep her here 30 minutes on a maybe. This is no place for a kid with a migraine. Take her home."

Throughout all this? I didn't consider myself disabled. Because I could still function. I wasn't missing too much school to pass. I was still able to pass my classes.

In college though it got really bad. I was missing 3 or 4 days of classes at a time because I couldn't hold down anything but water. There's weeks I did go to class that I just blacked it the pain was so bad. I got hurt from the vertigo regularly. It got so bad u finally sought it a migraine community just to try to understand what the hell was wrong with me and just so I had a place where I could vent. It sucked so damn bad.

And this community helped me immensely. They had a list of headache specialists which helped me find my doctor. They gave me a ton of treatment options to discuss with my doctor and they suggested vitamin supplements that I could also discuss with my doctor. It took a few years because I don't react to most common migraine meds, but a year out of college, I finally got a treatment plan that fucking helped. I live a pretty normal life now the only exception being the couple of hours it takes my meds to kick in.

And even through all of that, I hesitated to call myself disabled. I was still functional enough to graduate college without the ADA (but honestly I'd have done better if I had accommodations for all the time I had to miss). My migraines weren't frequent enough to be considered "chronic".

The only reason why I'm able to comfortably call myself disabled now is because of the invisible illness and spoonie communities. They were like "Your health issues impacting most of your life even though there's no physical symptoms? You keep missing important events duev to your health issues? You limiting what you do so to not impact your health issues? You're disabled."

Because I was so afraid of taking something away from physically disabled people by using the label. I'm still going to heavy metal concerts (yes they land me in bed for days after with a migraine). I can hold down a job and still semi-function (I'm privileged that I can get a remote job so if I can't get out of bed I don't need to call in. And I work for small companies that are more forgiving of health issues.)

Listen. I 100% believe in the spoonie movement with all my heart. But what people don't realize is that invalidating the spoonie movement invalidates people like me. People that have had pain since childhood that almost no medication can touch that's coupled with other neurological issues that is detrimental to our health. I was exercising every day, but I had to stop because there were too many days I couldn't hold down food. I was eating very healthy, but I had to stop because there were too many days where calories were more important than vitamins because again I was lucky if I could hold down food. The pain was so bad that there was gaps in my memory and I hurt myself but I couldn't remember how between the vertigo and the memory issues.

And yeah. My migraines don't affect me like that now. I'm on treatment where I don't "look disabled". I can function with the best of the abled people. But it took years of meds and trial and error with my doctor to get here. I'm functioning with the exact balance of person meds and activity levels to keep me found for the things I enjoy doing.

And I need people to realize that's what invisible disability is. Paralyzed person can't walk? They get a wheelchair. I can't go outside without spending the rest of my day bedbound from the bright light and heat? I get meds that help sooth the nervous system (honestly I don't know how the fuck my meds work but this is the equivalent of my "wheelchair")

Yeah! We look functional. That's the point. That's the entire point. Because before this we lost friends and failed classes because we couldn't get our of bed our body's failed us so hard. The only reason why abled people think we don't exist is because we literally couldn't leave the house. And online communities have allowed us to be seen on those worse days when we're normally hidden behind closed doors.

I was able to interact with people online yesterday with my migraine, when previously you wouldn't have been able to see that because I literally couldn't leave the house.

-fae

#abelism #systemic abelism #dynamic disability #disabilty #spoonie

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sleepdeprivedsimp234 · 4 months

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Saw a post about wanting headcannon asks… so I have arrived! Any hcs for our boy Loui? Or Florida, or York, or Gov, or anyone really. I like reading about people hcs

YESSSS I DOOOOOO :) <— not a threatening smile dw

Louisiana:

Florida has to make sure that he tells Loui if he’s leaving somewhere cuz otherwise, Loui will very much “internally” panic.

Give him cuddles 🥺 Or let him cuddle you cuz he loves it either way 🥺😭

He will get attached if you make him feel like he’s actually worth something (totally not projecting here). That has however led to some toxic friendships/relationships. Ones where he didn’t want the person to leave, so he did everything he could to make them happy even if it hurt him. (I’m not projecting shut the fu-)

Loves inviting friends over for dinner/parties

Has a catahoula leopard dog/german shepherd mix named Beau, and a black cat named Misty and he loves them both so much.

Has a habit of forgetting that he already told a story, and then he tells it again with the same amount of enthusiasm he did the first time. His friends still listen though cuz they love him and it’s adorable.

Glass bones and paper skin. Lil boy gets hurt very easily but selects the ignore button. Bent his ankle in a way it shouldn’t be able to bend? Ignore. Gets stabbed repeatedly on an evening walk in NOLA? Tis’ but a scratch. Falls off a cliff into raging waters? I’m not dead yet!! Someone tries to help him? "YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES-"

At this point, he’s only still alive and existing out of pure spite and stubbornness.

Gets spooked by everyone and everything.

He probably does that thing where he creeps up on people, stops when they turn around, continues when they turn back around, and then tackle-hugs them. Sometimes though, he’ll just get snatched midair and cuddled to death :]

Florida:

Makes time for him and Loui to cuddle

Actually a decent cook (he sorta lives with Loui-), but he enjoys chaos and fire so. Don’t let him in the kitchen alone.

Actually has an okay relationship with his father (wow me not giving someone daddy issues 😨😰😱), but doesn’t talk to him much. He’s kinda pissed about how much his father neglected him though.

Surprisingly, he knows when it’s not the time to joke around.

Strong man 💪 can pick up all of his friends. Yes even Texas (tbf, he’s just tall he doesn’t weigh that much but it’s still impressive-)

Great hugs 9.5/10. I say only 9.5/10 cuz he might slip you a little danger noodle for a friend.

Gov:

TIRED AF SOMEONE GET THIS MAN IN BED (NOT LIKE THAT-) AND GET HIM SOME DAMN WATER. AGUA. EAU. WASSER. FOR THE SAKE OF HIS ORGANS I BEG.

Has really bad back pain from being hunched over his desk all the time. His joints be poppin 24/7. He’s a lil crispy if you will.

Double jointed mf. Bendy bitch.

Gets treated like absolute sh*t back at the White House. He really needs better handlers.

Can’t cook for sh*t. He’s been known to make backward pb and j sandwiches and pour coffee on the bottom of the mug. Tbh he could probably cook if he wasn’t so sleep deprived.

Low iron and dizzy spells and chronic migraines. How he’s still alive I have no idea.

New York:

My precious baby I’m so nice to him. And since I’m so nice to him: I’ve given him anemia, insomnia, an iron deficiency, and asthma <3

Mans has to stand up REAL slow cuz otherwise he’ll fall and maybe pass tf out.

His brothers are always making sure that he isn’t just dropping dead to a dizzy spell.

He has poliosis :’D

He’s helpful but in the worst ways possible. If someone leaves an empty cup on the counter whilst he’s around. Cuz he will stare at them and slowly nudge it towards the edge of the counter.

————————

#welcome to the table #welcome to the statehouse #ben brainard #wttt #wttsh #wttt new york #wttt louisiana #wttt gov #wttt florida

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uwingdispatch · 1 year

Text

Endlessly

Notes: Cassian Andor/Reader, everyone lives au, post-rebellion, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, disabled reader, domestic fluff, fluff and angst

**CW: **chronic illness, migranes disability, implied sexual intimacy,

Ao3 Link

★★★★★★★★

You’d had plans this weekend. You and Cassian were meant to be in hyperspace right now, on your way to visit friends. But you knew this morning you’d have to call off the trip. You’d told Cassian to go without you. That you had Arseven, your support droid, and could call someone if there was an emergency. But he wouldn’t even consider it.

And as the sun begins to set you’re thanking the stars that Seven has somehow convinced the pharmacy droid to give you just enough migraine tablets until your doctor can see you next week.

In the kitchen the kettle whistles and you grit your teeth, hissing as you squeeze your eyes closed. Cassian curses as he rushes from where he’s sitting to stop the noise.

You open your eyes when you hear him set a tea cup on the living room table. He sits down next to you on the sofa and you curl into his body, laying your head on his chest, the softness his clean cotton t-shirt cozy and warm.

“Sorry about the kettle,” he says. “I wish you would let me take you to the clinic. At least let me make you something to eat.”

“Seven will be back with my meds soon,” you say. “I shouldn’t have let my prescription lapse.”

Tenderly, Cassian cups your face in his hand, kisses your temple. “I should have reminded you.”

“You know I hate when you do that. It isn’t your fault.”

“You just don’t seem like yourself, my heart,” he says, holding you close. “You’re sure you don’t want to see a doctor? There’s a Navy neurologist who owes me a favor—”

The door clicks and slides open and Arseven rolls straight into your living room, whistling and chirping her concern.

“You are a miracle, Seven,” you tell her as she hands you your pills. “This will help so much. Can you bring me my canteen? I think I left it in the bedroom.”

Kay lumbers in from the garage. “No improvement?” he asks.

He’d found you in tears last night, after Seven had docked into her charging station. You hadn’t wanted to wake Cassian as he’d been sleeping poorly over the last few days, dealing with a nasty bout of insomnia. But Kay had heard you when you dropped a bag of ice on the kitchen floor. Despite his own medical protocols, he decided to wake up Cassian himself.

“Not yet,” you say. “But soon, I think. Thank you for taking Seven to the pharmacy.”

“I can’t remember the last time you had a headache this bad,” Cassian says.

Seven hands you your canteen as she rattles off a date in beeps and chirps. It’s a date long before the little astromech had been a mainstay in your life, and Cassian appears startled.

“How do you know that?” Cassian asks.

Seven whistles low: Medical records.

You watch his face while he puts it together. He’d been on Tatooine when that happened. And you hadn’t heard from him for two weeks. “You never told me you were sick while I was gone.”

“When you got back, I was just so relieved to see you. And I wasn’t sick anymore, so…I didn’t want to put that on you and chase you off again.”

You take your meds and close your eyes. With any luck the pain will abate soon and you’ll be able to eat something and keep it down. Seven tells you to call if you need anything before retreating to the backyard where she’s been helping Kay with a project in the garden.

“Hey,” Cassian whispers, caressing your face. “You could never chase me off. Not then, and not now.”

You thread your fingers through his long, dark hair and he brings his forehead to yours. There is nothing he could say that isn’t said in this touch.

“I believe you,” you say.

“Is the medicine helping?”

“It is.”

“Can I make you dinner?”

“Stay here with me, Cass,” you say. “Just a little bit longer.”

It was raining when he called, late into fall, the kind of night where you could see your own breath when you went outside to pick up a parcel that had been delivered. It had been a few weeks since you’d heard from Cassian, and it was just like him to call at midnight and tell you he needed to see you.

You’d been starting to wonder if something horrible had happened. And you were tired—this was the second time he’d disappeared like this with no communication. And last time he’d said it wasn’t something he did regularly, it had been an emergency. And you'd believed him—you still believed him—but you didn't know how much of this your heart could take. You hadn’t quite been together a year, but your relationship had gotten so intense so quickly and now you weren’t sure what to do.

But this was Cassian. Of course you told him he could come by.

When there was a knock at the door, your stomach flipped. Still you let the door slide open for him. He looked half-drowned, his hair dripping wet, his jacket soaked. When you took his hand, it was freezing cold.

“You came here on that?” you asked, noting the speederbike parked outside. “In the rain?”

“I needed the clarity,” Cassian said. “And my speeder is in the shop. It’s a long story.”

You let him inside and he shrugged out of his wet jacket and hung it up—something he usually didn’t do. Somehow this worried. you.

Pulling you toward him, he placed a soft kiss on your forehead before stepping back, realizing he couldn’t kiss this better. Knowing you had every reason to be upset.

“I know what this looks like—” he started. But you cut him off.

“Just tell me,” you said. “If this isn’t going to work out. If there’s someone else. Just tell me, Cassian. I’m exhausted.”

“No,” he said. “Of course not. There’s no one. Nothing like that. I just got caught up in something…delicate.”

“You mean dangerous.”

“Yes.”

You turned from him for a moment, mumbling that he was dripping all over you floor. As you went to the hall closet, you wondered how he could possibly make sense of this. Despite the baggage each of you brought to the relationship, you’d gotten through the high holidays with just a few hiccups. You’d both grown comfortable. He was at your place more often than not before this disappearance. More than once he’d used the word forever. So this? It was not only a breach of trust, but anxiety-provoking. Painful, even.

You returned with towels, throwing one to the floor where a puddle had started to form. Cassian took the other and began to dry off. Somehow, for a moment, everything seemed normal. But the truth still hung in the air like a fog.

“I didn’t hear from you for three weeks, Cassian.”

He let out a long breath. “I lost my comm on Tatooine. Mos Espa. I owed someone a favor. Someone you don’t say no to. I didn’t want to contact you on any comms I wasn’t in complete control of. Safety in Mos Espa—”

“I know about Mos Espa.”

“So you understand.”

“I understand that you’ve told me that this is the kind of thing you left behind.”

“It is,” he said, hanging his damp towel on a hook next to his coat. “It’s not who I am anymore. It’s not who I want to be, at least.”

“Okay.” Your breath hitched at the idea of Cassian owing favors to a cartel on Tatooine. “Where’s Kay? I couldn’t reach him either.”

“He’s been with Jyn. Sensitive Navy business. I don’t even know exactly what they’re doing.”

“I hate this.”

“I know, my heart.” He held out his arm. “May I?”

You nodded and he pulled you into his embrace.

“I thought you were ignoring my messages,” you said. “I thought maybe you were leaving and didn’t want to deal with a goodbye.”

“I do hate goodbyes,” he said. “But I’d never leave you like that.” He paused. “Truthfully, as long as you’ll have me, I’ll never leave you at all.”

From the corner of your eye you spot a pair of his boots, left here before his unplanned trip to Tatooine. You’d looked at them every time you left your apartment, wondering where he was, what you’d done wrong, whether he was okay. But now you remembered the night he told you about the Imperial prison, how he escaped with Melshi, no shoes on either of them, how their feet were raw and bloodied when they finally made it to safety. How all of this had spilled out of him when you told him you liked his new boots. You took a deep breath, considering how much of his life he’d offered to you, the kinds of things he didn’t tell anyone else.

Cassian caressed your back, his hand running softly over your thin t-shirt as he held you close. “I don’t owe any more favors to anyone you wouldn’t want to invite to dinner,” he said.

And you laughed then, looking up into his warm, brown eyes. You knew he was a skilled liar—because he’d told you as much. It came with the job, with what he used to do. But he’d also told you he’d never lie to you, and he’d never given you any reason to doubt his honesty.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

You replied, “I know.”

“I tried to send you a message from the ship’s comms, but I was out of range. It couldn’t find your device,” he said. “I just had to hope that when I got back I’d still have your trust.”

You reached to touch his face, every fiber of your being knowing that had any other man done something like this you wouldn’t have even let him in the door tonight. “You’ll earn it back,” you said.

“I will,” he said. “You have my word. This…was unintentional. But you deserve better. I know that.”

“Then you’ll do better,” you said, letting him lean in until his nose brushed against yours.

“May I kiss you?” he asked.

And when you said yes he kissed you with a desperation you hadn’t experienced before—somehow both apology and catharsis, his lips capturing yours deep into a promise you wouldn’t soon forget.

“You’re shivering.” you said, pulling back for a moment, noting the goosebumps along Cassian’s muscular arms, realizing he’d only been wearing a white undershirt under the wet jacket he’d shed as soon as he’d come in the door. “Take off your shoes. Let me get you warm.” You took his hand, leading him to your bedroom.

“I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to,” he said as you ease his t-shirt over his head.

“Cassian,” you said, “all I want right now is you.”

You’d forgotten that this medication had a tendency to knock you out. And when you wake, still on the couch, the sun has fully set. Your tooka-cat has curled up around your knees and you can feel him purring. You sit up, trying to shake sleep from your head.

“I was wondering if you’d wake, my heart” Cassian says. He’s at the kitchen island, slicing fresh bread. “Do you think you can eat something for me?”

You smile. “Yeah…I’m pretty hungry actually.”

“Good,” he says. “It’s just some noodles and broth. I threw in some of the veggies Seven brought in from the garden. You think you can handle that?”

Cassian brings you a bowl of noodles and a slice of buttered bread. He’s taken to wearing an oversized cardigan around the house, and there’s something sweet and vulnerable about it. You know the hardened soldier is still in there, but it’s good to see how comfortable in himself he’s grown since you first met. How much his walls have come down.

The tooka jumps up and heads to the kitchen, crying for his dinner. You’re about to get up to feed him but Cassian eases you back down onto the sofa. “Eat, darling. I’ll take care of the little beast.”

You hear him pouring the kibble, cooing at the pet he always claimed to dislike but who had taken to him the first night you’d let the man into your home. When Cassian returns to your side, he has a bowl of noodles for himself. You eat together in comfortable silence for a while. Outside, the rain has started to come down.

“This tastes like home,” you say.

Cassian looks startled. “Like home?” he asks.

“Is something wrong?”

“No,” he says, resting his hand gently on your knee. “It’s just that…my mother used to say that. There was this one meal my father used to make, back on Ferrix, before things got bad. It wasn’t anything fancy, but…she always said that it tasted like home.” He pauses. “Stars, they would have loved you.”

You place your empty bowl on the table next to his, reach out to take his hand, and squeeze. He pulls you toward him, presses a sweet kiss to your lips, caresses your cheek with his fingertips, his hands so soft now, so far from the years of combat and struggle.

“How are you feeling?” he asks. “I’d really like to take you to bed.”

“Would you?” you ask.

He kisses your jaw, your neck, pushes aside the collar of your shirt to kiss your collarbone. “I would.”

You stand, offering him your hand as he gets up from the sofa, leading him to the bedroom where your clothes soon find their way to the floor. The rain is coming down hard as you ease your way under the covers, Cassian on top of you, your hands sliding from his firm chest to his bearded jaw and into his hair.

“I love you,” he says, his hand making its way over the sensitive skin of your inner thigh.

And he kisses you again before you can tell him that you love him, too. Because he knows. You both know. As he ducks under the covers you hear him whisper something in Kenari, a term of endearment and a promise. A word that doesn’t have an equivalent Basic, the closest word being “eternal.” But so much sentiment is lost in that translation.

And as the rain pounds on the transparisteel of your bedroom windows, you thank the stars that this gentle man somehow managed to make it across the stars to you. That you both survived all that you did to hold each other close both in times of crisis and in times like this as he kisses your tummy, whispering words you can’t entirely make out as he eases his way toward your pleasure.

Tomorrow, you think—tomorrow you will take care of him the way he took care of you today. Maybe a small outing, something to make up for your missed trip. Because even though he’s the first one to tell you that he doesn’t deserve happiness, that there’s blood on his hands, that he’ll never wipe the slate clean—he’s wrong. Cassian deserves the galaxy, and if you can, you’ll give it to him.

★★★★★★★★

Thank you so much for reading! I hope this fic makes you feel seen and loved, especially as we enter the holiday season which I know can be difficult for a lot of us.

I have a taglist now! Sign up here if you want to be tagged in future fics. (And choose if you only want to be tagged for certain characters.) In the meantime, I’m tagging my taglist as well as some folks who have been reblogging my fics. Love y’all!

@writingbylee @waterpancakeao3 @zinzinina @princessxkenobi @aerynwrites @belfry-bat @phoenixhalliwell @r1-sw-lover @laserbrains @darthanakn @lovedbyth3sun @usernamesarebitches @maul-ologue @operation-spot @writeforfandoms @akgracemk @littlemousedroid @strwrs @saveatruckrideoptimusprime @galaxtic-writings @mintpurplemnm @multifandom-fic-rec-blog @septimaseverinafavfanfic @feyredarling92 @againstacecilia @elasticreality @zombiedixon89 @forresway @diaryofkali @alistocats @favficss @themandadolorian @slytherinlyn314 @ginger-swag-rapunzel @lyuir

#cassian andor #andor fanfiction #rogue one fanfiction #cassian andor x reader #cassian andor x gn!reader #cassian andor x gn reader #star wars #rogue one #andor #andor series #star wars fanfiction #hurt/comfort #disabled reader #domestic fluff #fluff #fluff and angst #emotional hurt/comfort

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stardustedknuckles · 11 months

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Holy shit it just occurred to me that maybe spending close to three decades rocking myself to sleep might have a neurological component. It's not just habit.

Sometimes I can sleep without doing it, but most of the time if I'm tired and in bed I can't sleep - can't RELAX - until I move my legs. as soon as I was old enough to support my own body weight I curled into a ball and "rock and rolled" myself to sleep and I only swapped to horizontal rocking somewhere in high school. Yes I also have adhd, but even with meds my legs would still often bounce of their own accord when I sat no matter how much I was concentrating.

It's not just habit. It's restless legs. My dad has it too. It's just that his manifests as pain and jerky movements and mine is a deeply uncomfortable ache/feeling of wrongness if I don't move. All of it is neurological and it explains why gabapentin gave me some of the best sleep of my life (even though I ended up unable to stay on it).

Like as conditions go, it's not the most disruptive, but I almost never sleep deeply and I would like to potentially share a bed with a partner one day. I assume they will want some say over their own sleep. Also I've wondered for a while if rocking doesn't make acid reflux worse at night just from sloshing around back and forth.

I feel like I've been thumped between the eyes. Neurological anomalies have been staring me in the face my entire life and I thought they were just quirks. Like how driving through tree shadows made the corners of my eyes physically sore when I was six and I would turn my head so the shadows would hit the other eye and give the sore one a break. That was fucking migraine activity. I just thought it was sensory overload (once I learned the word ofc) but it didn't explain why it only bothered me sometimes. Police lights used to make me start crying while driving at night. Adhd meds made that stop.

Adhd meds are potent vasoconstrictors, which are literally what they give you for migraines but without the stimulant.

I've lost my own plot. I'm just blinking at my ceiling reevaluating my entire life. It was one thing to realize that weather volatility is my biggest trigger and that's why I've always hated spring and summer in fucking Georgia (and east Oklahoma). It's another to realize that the tendrils of this silent, chronic condition have reached into every part of my life for as long as I've lived it.

I'm going to try taking the preventative migraine meds starting tonight. There's a chance, and I don't know how big that chance might be, that it could return some of the things I've lost over time as I've done my best to grit my teeth and just get through every day. The brain fog, the inability to physically feel emotions and hunger signals when I used to be able to. The sense of overall weakness that comes in April and mostly stays until October (it was March to December in Georgia).

Damn. Just - wow.

#Chronic-les

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mywheelieweirdlife · 2 years

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I just watched this TikTok about how it's always lowkey terrifying deciding how much of the reality of your chronic illness because of how it may permanently alter peoples perception of you.

And it made me think about exactly how much I don't say.

And like, my best friend knows the most, but also until recently hadn't actually seen me just go down in front of her... and that was online, not in person.

She's seen the 'drunk mermaid' stage where I'm pre or post seizure, have no leg control and no arm control and am just loopy... but never actively been there when I fell or passed out or had a grand mal like seizure.

My abusive ex had... and that's also why a lot of people haven't... but not many people are privy to how hard it is, even my other chronically ill friends.

I don't talk about the loss of bladder control or the ibs like symptoms that come up because my body decided to turn off my digestive system for a week so I don't eat properly for about 3-4 days at a time because I'd rather feel weird about not being physically able to eat than deal with the risk of throwing up because I tried to force myself to 'eat normally'.

And living off multivitamins and supplements and snacks because it's easier for my body than 'normal meals' but constantly feeling like I'm returning to an ED or panicking about going back to being severely underweight because I can't eat normally.

Or that sometimes, I have 'control' of my legs, but the muscles are so tight that there's basically no range of motion and I'm spending hours massaging in muscle relaxant creams crying in pain wishing with every fibre of my being that I get hit by a car and have them cut off because I don't want to deal with the ridiculously stiff rock hard legs that refuse to release for days and have nerve spasms through them. And then I feel guilty for that, but it's the truth.

And the days my rib literally goes 'pop' as it moves out of place and I want to cry and scream and swear and I can't in public because it happens all the gd time so I just cry and laugh it off and I just can't be honest with people about 'this hurts and it's scary' because it's also normal.

I brush off my seizures and my body paralysing and spasming and the tremors and the brain fog and the speech impediment it brought with it and the nerve pain and the digestive issues and the migraines and the insomnia and the anger at the destruction of my body and life and career (the one I previously had).

And I don't brush it off because it's not impossibly hard and stressful and exhausting and a constant battle that consumes every moment of my life… but because if I don't pretend it doesn't hurt, fake a convincing smile and laugh and say 'It's this or die and I have kiddos who need me.' (Which has been my line since I was diagnosed with depression and really really struggling and didn't want to end up in hospital and I would've never expected then that it would turn into this).... I lose even more.

Like if I lose the gentle pity and the honestly really creepy almost faked 'inspiration' speech abled people give me, I get the brushed off, ignored and hated version where people feel 'justified' in the dehumanisation of me and spit on and kick me and cuss me out in public.

Absolute strangers just attacking me because I don't have a 'purpose' that fits their world narrative and expectations of an adult human.

So like, I'm writing a book is my new answer to 'what do you do' when before it was 'recovery or at least stabilising my condition so it's a lot of medical appointments.' Which is nice because people assume a lot of writers get paid while writing (which while wrong works in my favour in not getting verbal harassment or assaulted).

But like, even if I didn't write, even if I never worked a paid job again; I'm a human being with purpose outside of employment and entertainment.

I'm free therapy and life advice to my friends, I'm a late night companion who's always happy for a call even when I'm loopy af (which honestly just makes most of my friends laugh because our humour matches so well), I'm a bundle of joy and random knowledge and a filtering system of good and bad ideas and offering new perspectives.

If provided with accessible housing and community, I would be the best house husband and father because I adore children and want to be a parent and if it wasn't for the laws of my country saying I have to raise a biological child to adulthood first, I would automatically sign up to be foster guardian/parent or adopt queer, neurodivergent, disabled children and provide them with a safe and understanding home where their needs are accommodated and they're welcome and safe and wanted and loved.

I would garden and look after animals and sign and read to kids and help little ones learn and do homework and teach them how to safely interact with animals and insects and the world around them and help them learn about different religions and cultures and how to be polite and respectful and find beauty and wonder everywhere.

And that's just as important as someone who works a traditional 9-5.

I'm important, others who are also disabled are important, we have wants and needs and dreams and humour and laughter and feelings.

We're more than we're able to be and it's not even our fault because they don't want to see us.

Because if I let them see all of me, all my struggles, if I admitted that actually I do need help, a lot more help than I ask for, especially because this house and this community and this world is not set up for me... they would stop seeing me.

They would stop seeing all the beautiful chaotic personality traits and history that I love about myself and that is loved about me because I'm 'too broken' to be fun anymore.

And that's always in the back of my mind and haunts me. And I know I'm not alone with it because the others in the community I follow and who follow me are the same where none of us can say how bad it is because ableds treat us like crap when they do and ignore the fact you're all some of the funniest and most interesting people who from the internet can change my life through the most beautiful and important posts.

We deserve better, we deserve to be seen and heard and loved for everything we are, even and especially the hardest parts.

Also; terfs and devotees DNI (and with full disrespect, fuck off, you're not welcome here and will be blocked and reported on sight after the horrific shit I found last time I had to go on a devotee blocking spree).

#disability #fnd #chronic illness #mine #chronic pain #wheelchair #food mention

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balkanradfem · 1 year

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not happy to learn you deal with chronic pain, but i have to say, thank you for mentioning it. i want to live a life like yours, but am often afraid i won't be able to b/c of my health issues (basically, migraines every day). it's hard not to despair sometimes. but it gives me a lot of hope to see women like you who are making it work, even when it's tough.

Oh no, I'm so sorry about the migraines! I only had two of those in my life and it was some of my worst moments, it's awful you have to deal with that :(.

I'm able to do what I do with chronic pain because it's very do-it-when-you-feel-like-it based, I only have to do real-life work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I'm either in bed, or outside. I can do gardening because it's no-dig gardening, which takes way less effort and in the future, I hope to have raised beds which are also great for people who struggle with pain!

DIY stuff can all be done out of bed, I've been doing most of the vegetable cutting, basketry, sewing, and all kinds of projects right there in my pillow armchair. I also manage cooking by just wrapping the entire boiling pot in towels and a blanket, and then I can walk away from it and forget it, and it will keep cooking for half an hour. After the initial preparation, it takes no effort to actually cook something.

Most of the stuff I do is without strict deadlines, with no rules of how I'm supposed to do it, so yeah it gives way to all kinds of adjustments so a person with a disability could also do it!

I am a bit worried that I'm giving off a false image of my life, the reality is that I'm in bed most of the time, watching educational videos and tutorials, and I just have to get up to do work, gardening, cooking, and to water my plants. I post every time I do make something, so it might seem like I'm always into doing things! But no, I'm resting.

I feel like it's the capitalistic lifestyle that allows for no disabilities, when you're out in nature you can pretty much do as you please, the only important things are that you have shelter and that you manage to prepare food for the winter during the summer. If you can't do something otherwise, you just go by without it! Only food and shelter are essential, the rest can wait.

#chronic pain #living in nature #migraines #ask

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lycankeyy · 1 year

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Ooooo just to add a thought to your recent gold post, I don’t think Gold’s intense insecurity comes from something in his past, as you mentioned he had a pretty happy childhood and I personally don’t think his mom was neglectful, I think his insecurity started in gsc, with him thinking that he needs to be “special” to fit in with the other dexholders and he thinks he’s weak because he puts them up on an impossibly high pedestal and assumes that because he can’t reach it then he’s not worthy of being associated with them. If that makes sense. Also as a red enthusiast I would love to hear your red thoughts 👀

OUGH YEAH YEAH YEA THAT MAKES SENSE *ROTATES* ig I was inclined to look for where it may have came from in his past bc like I said Silver and Crys both had weird childhoods (technically Gold's was also weird but in a positive way LMAO) and its fun to find things all the characters in a set have in common but honestly that makes more sense and helps the story flow better so true

ALSO about Red. I struggle so much with wording my thoughts on Red he is more of a "putting him in the brain microwave and rotating him" type character than one I tend to have incredibly deep thoughts about for a variety of reasons . One mostly being that despite how often I reread frlg which is like . The Deep Thoughts About Red arc I rarely am able to remember significant chunks of it dissociative disorder moment ANYWAY

One thing thats funny to me about Red is how much of his past is like . Left up to interpretation. It took us a really long time to get more characters with completely unexplained absent families and Red's parents are . SO absent that in the Yellow arc it's revealed he doesn't even have a family name. When people contact him they just address it to "Red". While we know people ""mature faster"" it really doesn't seem commonplace for an 11-14 year old to live in a house Alone even if they're entirely self-sufficient. It's even more wack because the fact that he doesn't have a family is like Addressed but never explained . It's just a fact about him. He doesn't have a biological family.

I think its interesting bc it gives people a lot of room to mess with his character. I've seen a whole spectrum of how people portray Red's Situation and none of them seem particularly unbelievable because we literally Don't Know what happened there. And obviously it makes found family vibes more intense LMAO between Red's complete lack of a family, Green's half-absent-without-explanation one, and . Blue . LMFAO it's really no wonder these guys all end up basically adopting at least One of their juniors at some point. It's funny

Also side note unrelated I really appreciate how I've been seeing more people putting the effort into portraying him as disabled in fanworks recently 😭 as a kid w chronic pain I was always a little annoyed that the gsc arc went the route of the Magical Disability Cure even in spite of subverting the "disabled people can do anything they put their minds to!!!" trope. Seeing people share my headcanon that he still deals with chronic pain even if the Magic Hot Spring Water™️ helps makes me happy because while I understand why things happened the way they did ough . I want disabled rep (if that wasn't obvious from me cursing Green with my migraines /j)

#mailbox #ty!!! for letting me infodump and readinf my infodumpIJNDJINSIJND #long post tw

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homocatphenomena · 2 years

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Maybe it’s just because I’m autistic but I worry so much that animals are uncomfortable. Does my cat have bad-posture/ergonomic related pain in her back/legs? Are the squirrels outside comfy sleeping in trees or is it too hot? Do fish get cold in the winter?

Now if you know me in real life you’ll know that last one fucking haunts me. And I looked it up and yes, fish do get cold. And if I have to know that then you do too. Can’t believe we’re the only creatures with comfy furniture and HVAC. Awful. So upsetting. Hate it. Wish every animal had a nice little house that was never too hot or cold or wet with a nice comfy place to lay down that is good for their bones. I literally just sit around and torture myself to death wondering if the cat has a tummy ache, or maybe a headache, or what if they can’t see well and everything is blurry and THAT gives them a headache?? My dog has allergies and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes he gets hair in his eyes and HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE HANDS so I have to get it out for him AAAAHHHHH

Honestly it’s probably because I have chronic pain and I know most people and animals don’t live like this but the idea of not having access to medication or a comfy spot to lay, and not even being able to effectively communicate my needs, it’s just very upsetting. I just want my cats and my dog to be comfortable and happy all the time. If I knew my cat had like a migraine I would just sob.

#pets #animals #cats #dogs #autism #I like animals better then people #fortunately my girlfriend is also autistic #so we have 5 pets now and it’s great #I just worry a lot #I want them to be comfy and happy

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lefae · 4 months

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Personal Update

On December 1, mom broke her ankle horribly enough to require surgery to fix it. I stayed with her through most of the hospital stay (I only came home one night because I have PTSD issues regarding that hospital and wasn't getting any sleep there because of it), and have had to spend most of my time since then at her house because she's completely non weight bearing and is incapable of much mobility at all on her own right now...

Given that I am physically disabled, with mobility issues - spinal damage and a once broken ankle that needs surgery again that I can't afford, both of which demand I severely limit the amount of time I'm on my feet or I risk losing my ability to walk completely even faster than I'm already losing it - you can just imagine the struggle that this is, given how difficult it is to simply take care of myself, much less another person. Add to that that we don't always get along when forced to be around each other for extended periods of time, and I don't get any chance to rest during my chronic illness flare-ups or to recover from them...

The rest of my family who had been helping with at least meals, running errands, and a couple overnight stays a week all have COVID right now as of December 24. Thankfully, there wasn't any family gathering, so neither mom nor I got sick, but that also means all of what minimal help and breaks I got have disappeared, to where it was a while production when I needed to get my aunt from the sperm donor's side of my family to give me a ride to the store to get a few things I needed for myself because no one else picked them up for me like they were supposed to.

I am bloody exhausted, in severe pain, dealing with severe depression on top of it all, because in all this, one thing has been made abundantly clear: it doesn't matter how fucking disabled I am, my family honestly doesn't give a shit and it's actively exploiting the fact that I'm unable to work (even if I found a job I could handle, it wouldn't be available here locally, the internet sucks to much to be able to do it remotely (plus they wouldn't leave me alone to do it regardless), and any commute would be insane even if it was in the immediate area since it's a 30 minute drive to the nearest fucking grocery store as it is, etc) to have me essentially work literally 24/7 with no compensation, I'm not even able to sleep in my own fucking bed, I don't have access to my computer at all most days, I have to work regardless of flare-ups or migraines or pain levels, and I've actively noticed a severe decrease in my own mobility trying to do this because no one else will, and the hospital sent her home instead of putting her in rehab like we were told they would because no one here was able to handle doing this but apparently that didn't matter and no one would listen to me when I tried to kick up a fuss despite my being the one who has had to do the vast majority of the work since, all while completely neglecting my own living space because I haven't even had time to go home and take out the fucking trash or clean out the fridge because apparently no one cares if I get sicker or permanently injured in all of this.

And the real kicker is when everyone else is being all "woe is me" because they miss my uncle who passed away in September, and expecting me to comfort them when I'm well past my breaking point to where I simply want to run away and never look back because I can't keep this up, I'm so tired and I'm so much pain and I'm scared that by the time this is over, I'm going to be unable to even stand on my own two feet anymore and it will be entirely their fault at that point and they'll just leave me to fend for myself like they've always done, yet expect me to push myself to the point of sickness and injury for them even when I say I'm not able to do it because they'll threaten me with taking away the financial support I'm dependent on them for.

So yeah... Don't expect a lot of activity from me right now, since I have a lot of trouble trying to type on touchscreens and I'm largely stuck on mobile for the foreseeable future. And if you can spare a few dollars so I can try to just order some things for myself to have it delivered rather than struggling and fighting with family to get any bloody help around here, I would deeply appreciate it (links to buymeacoffee & Amazon wishlists are in my pinned post, or it's possible to tip through this blog).

#out of coffee ( ooc )#personal #vent cw #abuse cw

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realfractals · 1 year

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hey, making another donation post because i'm broke.

my name's ever or sorrel (whichever idc) and i am currently living with my mother, who has a history of psychiatric and medically abusing me.

i have pretty bad ptsd (from the previously mentioned forced institution and also a history of physical and sexual abuse from past caregivers and peers) and a bunch of physical disabilities (cEDS, vEDS, chronic migraine, arthritis, possibly lupus, endometriosis, dysautonomia, something with my eyes, and going deaf in my left ear, agrivated musculoskeletal pain, etc), which makes working even part time incredibly exhausting and painful. i have been working part time for a little bit now, and it's barely enough to cover food and my cellphone bill.

i've been trying to get on ssdi for a while, and finally have appointments to assess if i qualify coming up on the 23rd and then 15th of April.

my cat has recently got sick and i have to get her special food for her stomach while she gets better too.

and of course my car needs a few repairs too. needs a new power steering pump and a wiper fluid thing. you'd think it wouldn't be a big deal but my arms are terribly weak and hurt so bad it's dangerous to drive.

if anyone could help out at all, even a little, just so i can buy food for me and her and put some away to move out of this place, i'd be so fucking grateful you don't even know.

i know i'm probably just another sob story on the internet, and probably not even the worst you've seen today. but any help you'd be able to give would help so much more than you think.

my venmo is @spectacularsiphonophore

i'll reblog this with a wishlist and obligatory photos of my beast

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excitingrbl · 1 year

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pushing through.

(from the archive of Timeless Ramblings aka my old ass drafts. I visited them with the full intent of deleting but SURPRISE, couldn’t)

some people LOVE telling other people what they should be grateful for. it's an arrogant level of annoyance I haven't quite learned to tune out. it bothers me because it's just another way of us telling people how they should feel.

if your body is what you'd consider normal, you'll see the entire world differently. have you ever sat down with anyone who lives with chronic pain? a lot of times, that pain comes from chronic illnesses. now imagine being sick and in pain every minute of your existence...even when you're trying to sleep. imagine that there are no painkilling remedies strong enough to take the pain away unless you want to be rendered unable to operate any moving machinery or have a clear thinking mind all day. imagine having to opt out because you need to make a living for yourself and/or family.

also imagine that when the pain becomes nauseating, you take 4 Advil...not to make it go away but to dull it from a 20 to a 15, on a scale of 1-10. again, imagine this is how you live everyday...not for just a couple of days (which is still painful). imagine this for months and years of your life.

now imagine someone coming along to tell you to be grateful you're alive. to not complain because it could be worse. these people have no fucking idea what's worse than living with pain everyday because THEY HAVE NEVER LIVED LIKE THIS. they assume death is worse because (in their mind), living can't be THAT bad, right?

sometimes being able-bodied can make us insensitive. we assume it isn't "that bad" and that people just need to look on the bright side. that's an easy stance to take when you don't live anything even remotely close to the lives of those you're speaking to.

I'm always in pain and I have been since I was a little kid. I'm not even talking about the emotional pain because I've suppressed and blacked out a lot of that over the years. I can only deal with one set of intense pains at a time and the physical always wins. I've had ulcers, nerve damage (my pain is delayed), pain in my bones (it feels like when foil touches those silver fillings in your mouth BUT IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR BODY) and migraines since I was a kid.

I push through.

I've been in car accidents, have several repetitive stress injuries, scoliosis, sciatica, carpal tunnel in both arms and wrists...and those dastardly migraines again.

I push through.

I have diabetes, cysts in my breasts that feel like having mastitis EVERYDAY, and degenerative disc disease (there’s no cure AND can eventually paralyze me). walking, sitting, standing, laying down, just existing IS PAINFUL. yet…

I push through.

as a result of alllllllllllllll the above, I also have two lifelong best friends that go by the names Dan Depression and Agatha Anxiety. they never leave my side. they’re around when I’m up and DEFINITELY when I’m down. they’re nothing if not consistently present and have been since I was a child. <sarcasm> thanks for having my back </sarcasm>.

I am also the mother of an amazing person who deserves far more than I give her but hey, I’m doing the best I can with what I got to keep… pushing through.

#life #chronic pain #chronic illness #ableist #disabilities #depression #anxiety #fucking resilience #pain #timeless ramblings

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hollow-human · 2 years

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Ranting 'cause I'm really sick and tired of this life right now.

All my life I've been in pain. From the moments of my childhood I can still remember to today. Every fucking day SOMETHING has to make my life hell. I'm tired. People really don't understand how badly your health can affect your depression. I don't just have a day of feeling bad. I'm always hurting. I feel like I'm a child stuck in a frail body of some 90 years-old grandma. My joints hurt so bad I lose sleep nights and nights again. Arthritis? Probably. Migraines are almost a daily occurrence. Not even gonna mention the nausea and burning throat from all the acid I get in my throat. Endometriosis pain? A regular thing now. Being able to sleep for 12 hours straight or having insomnia for weeks? Always a thing with no in-between. Gaining a shit ton of weight due to being hypothyroid and making everything above worse? Ya bet.

Combine these with the overall stress and having not even a day without being woken up, annoyed, upset. Crying my eyeballs out on the daily because I never get a quiet moment in my apartment. Never.

And now take into account the fucking BPD gifted to me by my parents and trauma. Always on the verge of a mental breakdown, always prone to hurting myself out of the absolute despair I feel daily. Always feeling like I will never get better. Always feeling like I should just end it.

I am so, so, so tired. People of my age are out there enjoying their lives at the beach, festivals, parties. I'm here mourning a life that was taken away from me way too fast. Wishing and praying I find a quick and easy way out. The peace I crave is one knot away and I have to fight with myself against every fucking thing to not put an end to it. I'm tired of having autoimmune and chronic diseases I am not responsible for. I did not do this to myself, the shitty genes in this dumb family did. I'm tired of suffering for something my parents did. To bring children into this world knowing how shitty the DNA in the family is and what diseases they have is top notch.

I wish for once I could have a normal fucking life. For one day to know how it feels to be healthy and not cry yourself to sleep because you are so very drained. "Everyone has the same 24 hours" no the fuck we don't. My shitty 24 hours are all painful as fuck, unlike most of my friends' who don't have anything like that. Imagine the fucking privilege to not understand how hard life is for someone who is being betrayed by their own body. Just imagine.

Imagine having to still give your all and try your best despite knowing you will never be okay. I will never recover. I will never live enough to grow old with someone. The pain will get too much and I will want out. And I will get out. But I don't know if that moment will come in 2 years, 5, 10. So I still have to play house, go to uni, work. I still have to pretend I am like everyone else. With all the pressure put on me to become something my body will never allow me to be. What a fun, lovely life.

#chronic illness #chronically ill #autoimmune

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thebibliosphere · 3 years

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Only if you have the spoons this is a desperate migraine question

I have chronic intractable daily (ie 24/7 for the past two years) migraine with aura. The past six days have been 9/10 constant pain (I live my life at a 6-7 from my combo of medical issues) , too much nausea to eat, can't sleep, can't function.

My neurologists think I have MCAS/hEDS and I'm already diagnosed hyperPOTS. I can't see an allergist until at least January. My jaw constantly dislocates on one side so that's definitely making the migraine worse, the way the joint has gotten all crooked and asymmetrical.

I'm doing everything I can to see the doctors I need but right now I'm just miserable and what do I do?

Oh, friend, I'm so sorry. I don't know if it's an option for you, but if your neurologist is able to get you into physical rehab specifically for your jaw (and likely some cervical instability, if I'm honest) then that might be a good option to help with the muscle fuckery likely contributing to this.

Instability is one of the major inducing factors for migraines in patients with EDS, and also general hypermobile joint disorders, so getting things stabilized (as much as possible) is often necessary for any kind of long-term relief.

If you visit a chiropractor, I would advise avoiding any neck/jaw/upper back adjustments until you have been properly evaluated, as those adjustments might be causing short-term relief but prolonged damage. Once you know what you're dealing with, you can talk to your doctors about what methods of treatment are safe for you.

As for MCAS... I really hope you are able to find doctors who know how to both test* and treat it, but it makes me hopeful that your neurologist is even aware of it, as histamine is a major factor in chronic migraines and I wish more doctors knew it. (link)

There are many safe and effective mast cell stabilizers a doctor might want you to try, but the first line of defense in MCAS are h1 and h2 histamine blockers, which are things readily available otc like Zyrtec (h1) and Pepcid (h2).

If you're not already on any histamine blockers, I'd talk to your doctor about doing a trial run of something simple like Zyrtec. It's not uncommon for those of us with MCAS and histamine issues to require double the recommended dose to see any benefit, so that might also be good for you to know.

I know these types of meds are available otc, but please Always talk to a doctor before starting any medicine and especially when considering doubling up on any medicine. It's very possible to overdose on antihistamines, though it's more likely on things like Benadryl.

Vitamin D also contributes to mast cell stability, so if you're deficient, (or even if your numbers are just a bit low) I'd suggest getting on a supplement to help give your body the support it needs. (I'm paraphrasing my EDS specialist here, but this can also help with EDS and joint pain, as we burn through our stores quicker from our bodies always needing to repair things!)

You might also want to look at your diet and see if cutting down your histamine intake might help, as there's a good chance if you have MCAS, your body is not processing histamine properly. There are many online lists that talk about Histamine Intolerance, but the most reliable I've found to date—and the one all my health care providers defer to— is the Food Compatibility List from the Swiss Interest Group Histamine Intolerance (SIGHI) (link)

The list is obviously not definitive as everyone's bodies are different in what they react to, but it can be a good starting point to help figure out where there are any potential triggers in your diet that might be causing problems. Try to keep a food diary to find any possible triggers, if you aren't already.

I would highly recommend finding a dietician to help walk you through the elimination and reintroduction process, as it will help you keep track of things, but also ensure you are doing it safely, as extreme low histamine diets are not sustainable long term, and can actually make MCAS worse as your health begins to deteriorate from lack of nutrients. The goal is not zero histamine in the diet, it's to get your body to stop overreacting to safe things so you can eventually add things back in and live as normally as possible.

Again, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Facing any of these diagnoses is hard. All three is just a genetic trifecta of fuckery. The good news is once you start to treat the main issue, the others might settle down too, and hopefully the migraines with it.

Best of luck. I hope you find relief soon and the care you need.

*A lot of the testing is inaccurate, and we desperately need better means of testing. A lot of doctors are now switching to clinical diagnosis based on symptoms and response to mast cell stabilizing treatment. So even if your test results come back "normal" (mine do unless I'm actively anaphylaxing!) and your problems are still persisting, try finding another doctor willing to monitor your response to mast cell disorder treatment methods.

#chronic health tag #mcas #migraine

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becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys · 2 years

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Hey! Bunch of thoughts re: disabled werewolves. (I was super-interested in the Trans Werewolf discussion yesterday, because SO many of my friends are some flavor of genderqueer, but now we're getting into stuff I actually have some authority to comment on, so!) I think my biggest thoughts are about "invisible" disabilities, things that might-or-might-not count as disabilities, and accessibility aids/adaptive tech. (And tumblr's giving me a character limit so call this part 1/??)

(3/??) Which also sort of leads into the idea of congenital disabilities, things a character is born with. THESE SHOULD EXIST, even in magic werewolves. Biology, even Magic Biology, isn't/cannot be perfect. You're gonna have chromosomal nondisjunction and the occasional Downs Syndrome werewolf pup. If you can't have ADHD or autistic or bipolar or borderline or PTSD werewolves (and here's where we slide around re: "things that aren't necessarily disabilities"), then you're Doing It Wrong.

(4/??) Which doesn't mean you HAVE to put a ton of focus on such things! But they should be POSSIBLE. I don't have links to hand, but for writing, I strongly recommend looking up the social model of disability and thinking about how natural biological variation CAN become a thing that fucks with someone's ability to live a "normal" life when normal is defined a certain way. Lycanthropy itself is very commonly a social-model-of-disability metaphor, because the world isn't designed for werewolves

(5/??) Also on the subject of "things that might or might not count": are there fat werewolves? are there Deaf werewolves? (oh werewolf sign language would be COOL). These things aren't preternaturally perfect/beautiful, but bodies work a lot of different ways. (Do all your werewolves WANT to be pretty? Do they all see themselves that way? Are genderqueer/genderfluid werewolves the only ones who get to fuck around with their appearance shift to shift based on how they feel about who they are?)

(6/??) Anyway, adaptive tech! Which is really a larger issue of, "yes it still counts as disability even if the disabled character can still Do Things, and in fact that's the ideal." Ed Elric and Bucky Barnes with their super-cool metal arms still count, Geordi LaForge with his visor still counts. They can COMPENSATE, with use of tech and workarounds, the same as anyone who puts on glasses every day still intrinsically has bad eyesight.

(7/??) So how does werewolf magic help COMPENSATE for problems? Do you shift to maneuver through spaces you can't easily traverse as a human? To avoid chronic pain? To think more clearly/cope through depression? To gain a sense, or avoid overwhelming an overstimulated sense? Cure a migraine? Do you AVOID shifting because you spent eighteen years Deaf and suddenly being able to hear sucks, actually, and you don't want it? Can your wolf form be disabled and your human form not?

(8/8) Anyway I think my biggest advice re: disabled characters is that people who can't do things, adapt. They find workarounds, get tools/assistance, or realize that it's not actually necessary to do certain things that other people can. Sometimes that sucks! It's extra effort, harder, takes longer, more tiring, frustrating. Things objectively hurt. You feel like a burden for asking. Some things you just can't do. But LIFE can still be great, and there's romance novel space for that.

(oh shit sorry one more thing, 9/9): A disability doesn't have to be permanent to count! An injury that takes two years to heal is still an issue for those two years. Someone who HAD a disability during childhood, that healed itself at first shift, is going to have a different perspective on things even if they don't any more. /// Anyway, these are my ramblings! I think they're all anonymous, and I hope they helped. But feel free to ask more questions if you have them!

This is absolutely fantastic, thank you so much! I think Tumblr must have eaten your point 2, which is a crying shame because the rest is incredible.

Funnily enough, in a private message thread with someone else we discussed prostheses, and I have made a decision there - one of my main characters, a Beta to one of the Alpha main characters and therefore a Big Strong Warrior, also has the ability to summon/manipulate ice. He now has lost a hand in human form. Still has a paw as a wolf, but on the battle field, when he's in human form, he can make an Ice Prosthesis for himself (these books are very stupid and this makes him Painfully Cool, pun FULLY intended.) But, it's too much hassle to do in everyday life, so he doesn't generally bother otherwise.

Anyway, thank you so much for this, have a fantastic day

#long post #disabilities #blood and silver #asks

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