#wanna-feel-unlost
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Tolya Yul Bataar
Everyone's Fate Is Up To The Saints, Except Hers
Saints Or High Water
Maybe He Was All Blessings
By Stars
Keep You Near
Amateur Poetry
I Heard It In The Silence
One Bed
Safe With Him
Place Your Bets
Pay Your Debts
To Willingly Belong To Anyone Is A Rare Thing
In Times Of War
More Than Enough For Me
Tell Me Everything, And Then Tell Me Again
Find Your Way Back
Catch Me
Follow Your Arrow
Protecting You Is All I Know
The Bells
Miss Me?
Never Straying Far
Without You
All The Things I'll Never Say
All The Small Things That You Do
Restless
Keep Me Like A Prayer
Home Coming
On Platonic Love
Like A Drum
If All The Saints Allow
No Peaceful End In Sight
The Gentle Sound Of All That Is Right
Almosts / Almosts Part 2
Hold Onto Me
The Healing Of Power Of A Heart
Between Classes And The Bell AU Series
Even In Death
One In The Same
Held Together By Wool And Wanting
When You Wake Beside Me
In Wars Wake
Unburdened By You
If It's You Or The World, I Am Still Choosing You
UnLost
I'll Love You Anyway
I Know All The Steps, You Still Surprised Me
Softer Words No Poet Spoke
No Distance You Could Travel- Coming Soon
Head Above Water - Coming Soon
Tamar Kir Bataar
One Bed
Bruises
You Cannot Push Me Away
Cure Your Ills
All The Softer Parts Of You And I
Heart To Heart
Nikolai Lantsov
Better Late Than Never
Better Late Than Never Part 2
Tonight, Forever, Then, Here And Now
No Rest For The Wicked
Compass Of Pirates
One Bed
Metal Preserved Broken Promises
Dreams Of You
On The Rocks
Twist The Knife (In Deeper)
Appearances Aren't Everything - Coming Soon
Worth It All - Coming Soon
Every Foolish Thing - Coming Soon
Match Your Pace - Coming Soon
Alina Starkov
Love Alone Won't Win The War, But What If We Tried Anyway
Zoya Nazyalensky
The Oath I Intend To Keep
The Crows
Jesper Fahey
It's All Bad Choices From Here On Up Baby
Making Choices
Bottom Of The Barrel, And The Bottle
Shoot From The Hip
Don't Like Sleep, But We Like Sleeping In
Bringing A Knife To A Gun Fight
Sober Up
Sweat Bullets
For One Last Good Night With You
Make It A Double - Coming Soon
Nina Zenik
Couldn't Love Anybody Else
Eat, Drink, And Be Merry (For Tomorrow We Die)
Bedside Manner Isn't My Strong Suit, But I'll Try For You
Wylan Van Eck/Hendriks
Your Life Over Mine
Something About Timing
Comfort In Compassion
Fever Pitch
Light The Fuse - Coming Soon
Gunpowder And Lead - Coming Soon
Kaz Brekker
Get Out Of Ketterdam, Damn You
This Action Echos
Walk Away, Take My Heart With You
Leave Me With Ghosts
Small Sentiments
Diminishing Returns
Inej Ghafa
A Place For Me / A Place For Me Part 2 - Coming Soon
Tight Rope - Coming Soon
Matthias Helvar
How Do I Do This?
This Action Echos
I Didn't Ask To Have These Feelings For You
In His Arms / In His Arms Part 2
Wars Were Waged For Less Honourable Things Than Love
No Fault Of Hers
Bedside Manner Isn't My Strong Suit, But I'll Try For You
No Souls To Save - Coming Soon
#shadow and bone#grishaverse#tolya#tolya x reader#tolya yul bataar#six of crows#tolya and tamar#nikolai lantsov#tamar kir bataar#tamar kir bataar x reader#tolya my darling i adore you#fluff#angst#light angst#one bed trope#masterlist#sturmhond x reader#kaz brekker#inej gafha#nina zenik#wylan van eck#wylan hendriks#matthias helvar#jesper fahey#inej ghafa
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Fluff where Loki and reader are so in sync that they finish each others sentences and know exactly what the other are thinking and then Thor etc. get really confused and find it weird but also think they’re perfect for each other. And loki and reader are not in a relationship yet and have a sort of tense enemies sort of relationship and they tolerate each other but still hate each other. It’s complicated and very specific, I apologise
Thank you so much for your lovely request darling!! I hope you enjoy it!! And please do tell me how you liked it if you wanna ♡
Gee this fic got way longer and took more time to realize than expected, sorry for the long wait, dear, yet I hope y´all enjoy it regardless
Btw, I did this thinkig of the reader as NB, since you didn´t specify, so just in case I did it like so, I hope you don´t mind <3
Summary: You tried to help Loki get the throne of Asgard, but when things went South, he disappeared for you to never hear of him again, and you were left to face the concequences of your actions. You were banished from Asgard and sent to Midgard. After one year in this planet and barely adapting in a little nice and cold country named Germany, suddenly, your plans go South and your life changes, yet again...
Word count: 6k (6320)
Warnings: None, but idk why but I decided to put a lot of context, making it longer, but it gets there...eventually. Also, it got a little "bit" angsty, and for this I'm sorry.
Aftermath.
Your life in Midgard hasn´t been as bad as you thought it would be, things are still complicated for you of course, it could be worse, so far you have managed to learn from humans and you even have now your identity and a little appartment in a crowded building, and have a new little job that at least pays the bills and some of your needs. You have even found a little happiness in exploring this beautiful country, on your weekends you decide to have really long walks, even traveling to the other side of the country, exploring and learning it´s history, you couldn´t help but find such huge interest in the art the museums displayed. You of course know how all the objects in these beautiful places became in the possesion of the museums, and you hate it, but you still can´t help but to admire the pieces.
One cloudy Saturday you woke up not so early, but still went to a place you´ve heard about thanks to a coworker, a specific street in Baden-Württemberg, Stuttgart, named Königstraße (Köningstrasse). You wanted to also visit the “countryside” of Baden-Württemberg, but that´d had to be another day, you should´ve woken up earlier for that though.
Since you were already late, you decided to take things easy and get ready and eat calmly. Good thing was that you could go in the subway and arrive there easily.
You arrived there pretty well but then after an hour of walking non-stop and not checking were you where going, the obvious happened and you got lost, but you couldn´t say you were scared or something of the sort. All the little streets were so beautiful, you were even thankful you got lost. You were still a bit confused on how some maps worked and such, and that there is also to be added the fact that you don´t have a good sense of direction.
Besides that, you got to dine in a very nice and affordable resturant and got to enjoy pretty much of the whole place. Once you got “unlost”, the sun was setting, and the now clear sky was getting dark, soon to be decorated with beautiful stars. You decided to walk a little bit more, enjoying it all. You just love feeling like this, the freedom of being able to just walk on your own on such a beautiful day and in a new place with such an interesting arquitecture, cold yet not freezing (not yet anyway), feeling like you don´t even have struggles nor responsabilities, that beautiful feeling when you can almost make sure nothing could go wrong nor that anything can change how you feel at the moment.
Something pulls you back to reality, a very luxurious car, and then another and another at almost different times, they were all heading one place, you rushed out of the alley you were in and looked where they were headed. Apparently it was some sort of palace maybe, it certaintly looked like one, maybe they were opening it or they were celebrating something, by the looks of it, since everything in the place looked like one of those big ostentatius public celebrations rich humans like to throw when something really important is happening in a certain date and things of the sort.
It wasn´t long after you heard screaming from inside that place. Your instinct of course told you to run away, but you knew you could be of help to those people, whatever the situation was, so you ran in the contrary direction those people were running towards, until you saw it, the source of the problem, you stood astonished, just not believing what was right in front of you.
It was him, the guy you thought was dead, the main reason you´re stuck in this planet. You couldn´t help but feel so many things like betrayal, relief, happiness, resentment. You wanted to just cry or scream, or maybe even both because of the intense emotions and the impression. He was just smiling when he made some illusions of himself and made them scatter so he could have at least a big group of people completely under his control. You weren´t in it, you were just a bit far, enough for him not to notice you, plus he was just so concentrated, enjoying what he was doing. You weren´t paying attention to what he was saying, but listening to his voice made you feel something else you couldn´t quite recognize, but it was also as intense as the other emotions plaguing your heart, you could feel it bumping against your chest like if it wanted to make it explode.
An older man stood up, by the looks of it he was contradicting the black haired God that was holding them “captive”, not long after, Loki pointed this weird golden spear towards the elder, it was obviously to harm the poor man. You were about to scream at the Asgardian when he shot some ball of energy and light to the old man, and some other guy, younger by the looks of him and dressed in this blue full body suit, with a blue mask covering half of his face, tall but not as tall as Loki, with a shield, which turned Loki´s shot against him and knocked him to the ground. The people started to scatter again, now succesfully, almost everyone panicking and screaming, which was very understandable.
The God of Mischief and the blue-suited guy started to fight, this all looks like it´s not Loki´s first problem to cause in Midgard. You walk towards them, you don´t even know why or what you´re going to do once you reach them, you just do it, you bump into a couple of people running for their lives. When you get close enough, after one actually good fight, Loki has Mr.Blue Suit on the floor, about to kill him with his spear.
—Loki! Stop it now! — you scream at him while getting close, but at a much slower speed
And he did stop, not because you told him to, but because he was also astonished, he definitely didn´t expect to see you, specially right there. He stared at you for what felt like an eternity, but in reality it was barely a second. Something else hit him and left him on the floor again, a man in an metal suit commanded him to stay put. To your surprise, he surrendered and put the spear down raised his hands so the two saviors of the day could see them. As soon as Mr.Blue Suit looked at you, you didn´t know why, but you started running, kind of aknowledging that seeing you knew him could bring you trouble. The guy immediately caught you and said told you to give yourself in or things could get worse for you, so you didn´t even put up a fight, after all, you´re innocent and you´d be out of this situation in no time.
What the hell had he doe this time? Why was he in Midgard? He really had left you to your fate back then. Your mind was plagued of these thoughts and even more questions, making you feel like if your heart was sinking.
They decided to not cuff you, you really didn´t look like a threat, but they had to take you, just in case, plus they might even get you to help them out somehow if you knew anything and if they managed to convince you.-
Once they sat you down, you stared at Loki while he was sitting down too, you still couldn´t believe what you were seeing, the memories of that day went over your head like if they´ve just happened. You also noticed a certain change in him, he looked bad, pained and even tired, you immediately figured that while he was gone, we didn´t go to a nice place or maybe he met something or someone. He could hide a lot of things from everyone, but not the people who really know him, even though it wasn´t your case, you aknowledge to yourself that the things you know about him are probably the mere surface.
He stares right back at you and gives you a mischievous and wide smile, for then to say your name, like if it was such a pleasure for him so say it
—It´s been a while. It´s so good to see you again, did you miss me?— he says, almost amused.
The want and need to answer him and question him bother you, but you decide to not even say a word to him, not until he apologizes, which you know it´s almost impossible to happen, it´s Loki, the God of Mischief we´re talking about here.
Both Mr.Blue Suit and Mr.Metal stare kind of discretely towards you both, as they analize what help you can provide them and how much you can be of use to end his whole “mission”.
—Oh come on, darling, are you really going to ignore me? Don´t be mean— he continued, that amused tone still in his voice, but now a mocking little laugh finished the sentence.
With a lot of work from you, you managed to keep ignoring him and stare at the floor, the walls, everything but him, the good thing is that it actually distracted you a bit, you couldn´t help but to think that these guys must have a lot of money to buy such a nice plane, or that they were maybe some special force in a really rich country´s military.
Meanwhile, the little group of saviours and the pilots talk but you can´t figure out what theyp´re saying, they´re talking very low, but they glance at Loki every now and then, they feel, or they know, that something is not right about all of this, and it also makes you think a little bit, you don´t remember the God of Mischief making anything easy, specially when he´s got a plan. Come on, he even disappeared completely once the plan of taking the Throne of Asgard for himself failed.
A storm was comming, the lightnings were getting closer and louder all of the sudden, it felt almost like if they were attacking the plane itself. This was definitely strange, for the sky was even clear like seconds ago.
—What´s the matter? Scared of a little lightning?— Mr.Blue Suit asked when he noticed the Argardian a bit nervous.
—I´m not overly fond of what follows— he answered. He definitely knew something was comming.
When he said that and without analyzing his change of attitude all of the sudden you suspected the same. You immediately wondered a thousand things, because for his oh so dear brother to be there, then he must´ve known where he was, at least recently, or something, you even wondered if Thor let you escape. Your thoughts were interrupted by something that hit the plane, even moving it, making everyone get starteled. The guy in the metal suit put his helmet on and opened the back door of the plane, while he was ready to get out and check what was that, Thor entered the plane and hit the Iron guy before he could do much. The God of Thunder then got Loki out of his seat by force and grabbed him by the throat to then jump out of the airplane with his brother still on his grasp.
After a small exchange of words between the two saviours, which was actually kinda funny, the iron guy went after Thor, then Mr.Blue took a parachute and went right behind him. Though, that last guy did say something that made you scoff, that there was just one God and that he didn´t dress like that. Of course you knew which God he was talking about, but what was funny to you is that even though he just saw two gods, he still said there was only one.
Another thing that caught your attention was the mention of the Tesseract, that did catch your curiosity, it must have something special, you of course knew what a tesseract is, but then it must hold in itself something really important, something maybe Loki needs
Once you were left alone with the pilots you just sighed « Well now that was something, huh...he gets to recive his punishment on Asgard for whatever stupid thing he did there...» you thought, tried to shrug off the little storm of emotions and confusing thoughts that you were having at the moment, you wanted to just let it go instead of processing it´d at least get your mind off of Loki at least, maybe you could even go back to your normal life after this, even though, you didn´t want this, no matter how much you deny it.
One of the pilots, a really beautiful woman with red head, which, judging by her eyes and stare, she was pretty tough, started to ask you a casual question about him, but you decided not to answer, plus she was quite busy, it´s not like if she could just make you answer. You did want to answer eventually, but only once you get to know more about what´s going on. Thankfully she didn´t insist on an answer, not even a reaction.
Not long after, you finally realized how tired you really were, it had all been too much, you walked for hours almost without stopping before all of this happened, even though you still worried, you decided not to care much if you fell asleep there, you were already stressed out enough, and your body really needed it, plus the night is pretty young and you might need some energies for later. So you relaxed as much as you could, the faint vibrations of the plane helped of course, and you fell asleep successfully.
You felt like if it were hours of sleep you had, it was a relief to you that you truly rested. Unfortunately, someone woke you up. It was the same woman, the one who was piloting the plane. You sighed, unbockeled the saftey belt and got up, stretching your arms and back as you stood. She gave you a mask, and you were about to ask why, but you just put it on without saying a word, she must´ve given it to you for a reason after all, and well, there´s no reason to hurt you or anything of the sort. Once you put the mask on it felt like if a breeze was comming from inside it, this confused you until she opened the plane door, you couldn´t believe it again, those were clouds outside. You could barely see because of the darkness of the night, but there was no doubt you were in the sky, in one of those aircraift carriers, but instead of being on water you were here. You really couldn´t decide what about this whole night amazed you more. The woman laughed discretely at your amazement and then asked you to follow her inside, which you did of course. As you were walking into what seemed a maze once inside the aircraft, she introduced herself, you learned that her name is Natasha, then you introduced yourself and shook hands with her. You couldn´t deny you were a bit relieved that she wasn´t mad after you didn´t answer her question before, or maybe she was just good at hiding things.
Natasha doesn't lead you much further into the aircraft, just enough and she asks you to sit in this sort of waiting room , and you decide to obey her and wait for as long as you need to. You used this time to calm your nerves a bit and breathe calmly through your anxiety before it made you act up. Not even half an hour later she came back and lead you into this place where there's a lot of people in many computers, one computer per person almost, and there also is this big table and there where the two guys who fought Loki, Thor, and a couple of more people. They introduced themselves, Nick Fury, the one who is in control of the whole thing, Dr.Bruce Banner, a brilliant scientist they hired to find the tesseract, Mr.Blue Suits name is Steve Rogers but they call him Capitain America, and the guy in the metal suit is Tony Stark, some billionare also known as Iron Man. There was also Friday, the one who worked the closest to Nick Fury.
Apparently Steve and Tony already told Fury why they took you in, since he didn't ask you a thing about it.
—So...I suppose you might know why we brought you here— Nick told you and finished the sentence by saying your last name, and offering you a seat at the table, which you accepted.
That of course did surprise you and beyond that, you even checked discretely if you had your wallet and phone with you, and it was like so, which left you more confused, you had everything with you, how could they even know your name? Also, if they already knew your name, is it possible that they might have already found out that any of your identities existed just a year ago? Could that little information bring you any more problems?
—Well...maybe because I was seen barely interacting with your...um...prisoner— you replied, trying your very best to hide your worries, acting as natural as you could. This was specially hard since all the anxiety was becoming more evident, since you could feel it all over your body, almost screaming to get out in any way possible.
—Exactly...now, would you be so kind to tell us your conection with our “prisoner”— he said calmly even though his tone sounded a bit more demanding.
Thor was there, so it would be useless to lie even a little bit, you look at him and let out a sigh, he looks at you expectantly.
—I met him many years ago, and we were basically friends, one day he had this plan and I agreed to help him out, but then it all went wrong and he disappeared. I was punished, banished and sent here. But I can tell you that I haven´t seen him until now, I even thought he was a dead man— you explain quite shortly and enough just to maybe prove your innocence in this case at least. You avoid all eye contact with everyone, even though you are very curious to see their faces and try to decipher what they might be thinking. However you were able to catch Thor nodding at Fury with your peripheral view.
—And how come you were there and at the moment of his attack?— Fury spat.
You did your best to look at him at the face, so he could see better your honesty.
—That was just a coincidence, I just wanted to visit that place after I heard about it, and went for a really long walk and look around...believe me, if I´d known he´d be there, I wouldn´t even had gone in the first place— you said with a little white lie, you perfectly know that if you´d known he´d be there, you would´ve arrived really early just in case, not even caring what his purpose was in that place.
Your “interviewer” sighed heavily and kept whatever thoughts and opinions he had to himself
—Now that I'm stuck in here and all because of that guy you probably got locked up somewhere in this huge flying thing, could I please know what the hell did he do this time in order to be pursued like a criminal again?— you asked now, sounding a bit frustrated, feeling which you really weren't faking at all.
Natasha approached you and cleared her throat —Some days ago he stole a very important atrifact, and he's been committing various crime since his recent appereance on Earth— she answered
—That Tesseract thing, right?— you asked, remembering when it was mentioned earlier
—Yes...what do you know about it?— she replied, expecting you might have more answers toward what Loki could be planning to really do with it.
—Nothing, I just heard your partners mention it earlier, so I just figured it might be that. By the way, what is so special about it? Since Loki's so obsessed with it to the point he's given you all these problems...— you said as your anxiety and overwhelming nerves were leaving you and being repleaced by curiosity and intrigue
Natasha looked at Fury, and he stard back at her. —We don't know for sure, we had it so we could study it, but before Loki stole it, we barely have an idea of what it may contain— Nick answered as he slowly stared at you
You let another long sigh escape your lips. —So that´s it huh. So what now? How am I getting back home any time soon?— you ask, knowing that they might also want something from you, so you give them this easier opportunity to ask you what they want you to do and ge things done faster, after all it might be a better chance for you as well, into knowing with more detail what´s going on and why.
The team just looked at eachother and discretely stared at their apparent boss. They knew the risks of what they planned, they talked about it before they let you in and interview you, and some of them opposed to the plan, but these are desperate times and they need to do everything possible. —Well, we were hoping you coud cooperate with us and maybe have a little chat with Loki, maybe he´d say something useful to you— Nick said, so straightforward, just as necessary.
It was exactly what you had predicted, and you really wanted to do so, but you pretended to dwell on your thoughts, like if you were really thinking it through, and even slightly acted life if you were mentally preparing, so you didn´t seem so suspicious to them, even if you have no bad intentions and really want to help them out, specially for the possible outcome that could benefit you.
—I..okay, I´ll do it. Just don´t expect much— you say after a couple of moments. —Let´s just do this as quickly as possible, okay?— you add, acting tense and anxious, when in reality you were just anticipant and a bit nervous. They agreed and Natasha immediately led you to where he was at, while telling you to just have an almost normal conversation with him, and to mention about his intentions with the Tesseract and on Earth like if it was more than normal for you to talk about those subjects. You agreed to all, even though you had no idea how you were going to start a conversation with him.
You didn´t know how long it would take you both to get there, but the more you walked towards him, the more nervous you got, flashbacks of all those nice and even cute moments you spent with him attacked your mind, all those times he made you laugh and some of the light pranks he did on you, but those memories that made your heart flutter where ruined by your last memory about him, how you waited for him but never came, how he´d left you to never even let you know if he was alive or not. That bitterness suddenly filled your mind, almost taking control over you, thankfuly Natasha interrupted you accidentally —He´s in there, I´ll open the door for you but I won´t come in with you, good luck— she said with a little smirk. You thanked for leading you and all, though in your mind you also thanked her for stopping that poisonous train of thought.
As you enter he was already facing the door, like if he was expecting for someone to give him a little visit, specially you.
—Well well...look who's here. Did you miss me?— he teased with an annoying smirk on his face
—Well well...look who's here. Did your plans fail again?— You replied, immitating his smile and his cocky tone
—Funny...— Loki responds, faking and overacting as of he was hurt by your words, still teasing you. —So tell me old friend, what brings you here with me?— he asks even though he suspects the reasons of your visit
—Well...you did kinda got me into this little problem of yours, so naturally I want a chat with you, and y'know, probably even explain a couple things to me. So I hope this dead man can at least say something valuable to me...— the bitterness in your voice made your words feel like poison.
You could see a hint of surprise in his eyes, but Loki being Loki immediately masked his true emotions, and these became a mistery to you.
It seems like he even enjoys listening how your words come out and how your voice just accompanies the feeling these already have, how the resentment fills your eyes, resentment which he very well knows he provoked and caused. Thankfully yet unfortunatley this is not the first time he acts this way in these types of situations, after all it's Loki we're talking about for crying out loud, but in the end it's thanks to this that now you have at least a bit of experience to know more or less how to act and what to say to get something useful out of the concersation. It is impossible to trick the master trickster, but at least you've got to try.
It took quite a lot out of you to calm yourself and put reason and strategy before emotion. Meanwhile the mischievous God rejoices in your reactions and on how difficult it is for you to keep it together.
—So is the dead guy gonna tell me something? Or is he really dead?— you sighed while you walked even closer towards his cage
—What would you like me to say, darling? Do you want that owed explination of why, oh why wasn't I there and just left without leaving any trace nor clue if I was even alive?— he said with the hint of mock on his voice, exaggerating his tone in those last words.
«Gee...he really is the worst huh»
—Actually no, I don't care. I just want to know why did you have to come back and spoil such a pretty day, why did you have to come and cause more chaos in an already very, very chaotic world— you spilled, even though you lied a bit at the beginning, but your performance was pretty credible, even for him, which is almost a miracle.
—I see, however I do have to mention, it was not my intention to ruin your day not to trouble you again— he said with an honesty that seemed unreal —Our paths crossed by accident and coincidence. And also, might I add it was you who intervened by walking towards my scene and interacted with me by asking me to stop...— he continued, and got silent but that silence meant that he was asking you soemehow to realize that you also have to take responsability of your participation in the situation that got you here
—Oh so you're telling me that it's my fault, huh, instead of yours!— you reply outraged and in disbelief
—Oh come on, don't balme all of this fully on me, you're no victim of mine— he tries to correct you, and finishes that sentence with your name, your name lingering a bit on his tongue.
There was something about his voice and how he said your name, almost dragging it as he pronounced it, like enjoying calling it, it made you feel a shiver travel through your spine, as well as you felt your face a little bit hotter. This reaction took you by surprise but you hid this part at least and as best as you could
Clearing your throat as if it'd help you get rid of that first sensation, you continued —What is that supposed to mean?—
—Exactly what I said, darling. You have as much responsibility as I do, you ended here, back to me, because of how you acted. As well as the part of "destiny" that made us encounter— he answers, enjoying strangely of this big truth, not hiding his pleasure. He was as closest as possible to you, his body almost touching the glass that kept you phisically apart from him.
«Holy shit...he's right. Well fuck me! Why did I fucking have to intervene?! That was so goddam dumb, Lord! This cannot be!» you thought angrily, you always despised when he was right
—What is it? You finally give me reason, dear one?— he said playfully, knowing perfectly what he was doing, how he was making you feel
—There is nothing to give to you! Plus come on, it's not my "responsibility" nor fault that you're doing whatever you're doing here in Midgard! By the way, honestly, why are you even here? Didn't daddy want you back so you go and throw your tantrum here?— You attack, already fed up with him.
Oh he was definitely hurt, but his smile only got wider, as to not know how to react to such words, and this couldn't be more obvious. You immediately regretted it, losing control and letting your anger speak for you. You wanted to just escape to never see nor say a thing to him ever again, and you were about to, but you knew it wasn't the way, not the right thing to do, not to mention it would also hurt and the feeling of guilt would hunt you down forever and consume you eventually. No matter whay he did to you and how much his decisions hurt you, you couldn't bring yourself to hurt him that much as well, there was something inside you, a feeling, a really strong sentiment, keeping you from running away and leaving things just as they were. If he were anyone else, it'd be most likely for you to go away and not to let it bother you, but not him.
—Loki...I-...I am truly sorry for what I said, I just lost control, I didn't mean it— you said softly, getting only closer to him, as you got even more courage which no one knows where you got from to continue —Please forgive me— you said a bit louder and bowed slightly, to show him your honesty and regret
He was still hurt, but the surprise and astonishment he felt by your most recent action took over for the moment, specially because no matter how much he tried to convince himself that it was some sort of prank or joke, you were just so honest it was impossible to really believe otherwise. Never has someone asked for his forgiveness, specially after saying words as painful as those, and what made him confused whas the true feeling of regret in you, the only desire of yours to have his forgiveness and to help you through the pain you caused. His heart, mind, and habits were in conflict, fighting for what was he to say or do. Naturally he would've dismissed you and hurt you even worse in return, after all he had absolutely everything in his power to do so, and he was so about to spill all the venom in his heart to treat you like so, but in the end, and taking him by surprise, the result was different.
His hand touched the glass, which caught your attention and made you look at his face, even though you couldn't quite decipher his stare nor the look on his face. You straighten up and look at his large, pale hand on the glass and put yours right in the same place as his
—Did I teach you all that, dear one? That manner of speaking?— he said playfully, knowing and aknowledging that you acted so similarly to him when in those situations. His playfulness was accompanied by a smile somehow sweet and honest, a smile not even he knew he could ever give genuinely.
This was all knew to you but it relieved you. But since it was Loki you're facing now, you were still confused, and didn't trust your instincts enough to know how true he was being
—You may've been my friend, but you were also a teacher, Loki— you said, reciprocrating in his little game with more of the truth.
—Oh was I know?— he sighed with a scoff and faking pride
He really was, many of the things you know in towards navigation, and many ways of how to turn things your way, are thanks to him.
—Yeah you were, man, I'm not gonna lie, you did teach me some valuable things— you replied with a teasing smile. —Though, I can't deny I'm a bit confused now, in the many things you taught me, one of them was how not to get caught and all that implied doing so...so what the hell happened?— you add once you actually just analyze that the only thing that's avoiding your hands to touch is that glass, that cage that has him well locked up and almost in display like a fish in a tank.
He hunched his back a bit, trying to have his face at the same level as yours, but he still had to look slightly down at you. —You should already know the answer to that, darling...— he teased, whispering in such a low voice that it made you feel strange, but funny somehow.
You looked confused for a moment, and started thinking until the bulb light up. «Wait...this was on purpose! Wether he plans to do something from the inside of the ship, or he's waiting to get caught by a third party, or anything else, but this is no accident nor clumsiness of his!» Your analysis made your eyes open wider as you stared at his.
You both didn't say a word to eachother, he just winked as he got away from the glass and turned his back on you, standing on the center of the fish tank.
—And I guess you won't be telling me what's the reason of your glorious visit here on Midgard, huh— you said, like if trying to be indirect, but failing at it catastrophically.
—Well wouldn't you like to know. Sorry dear one, but I would like it more if you watched, I wouldn't want to spoil you the surprise.— Mr.Mischief explained as he turned his head slightly back, trying to catch a glimpse of you.
—Oh great, another surprise— you said in sarcastic cheerfulness.
You could hear his soft scoff, and see as he turned his head back straight, probably looking at nothing, just wanting to be dramatic as usual. Hinting the end of the conversation at least on his part.
You took it and sighed, wanting to talk to him more, but not admitting this to yourself. —Well, bye my dear friend, hope to swe you again soon...not— you joked in that last part and turned your back and headed to the door.
As it opened itself and then closed behind you, you saw Natasha there, as if she never left.
—You good?— she asked as she suggested you to walk next to her with a movement with her head, so you could go back.
—I really don't know...— you answer sincerely as you went to her side and let her lead you to the room you were once in.
You were recived with an expectant look from Fury, they were all waiting there, apparently they watched the whole conversation between you and their stunning prisoner.
—Okay now...all I can make out of this is that it's msot likely he wasn't caught on accident not was it any sort of mistake, so just watch out, just in case— you were pretty honest, though it did almost hit you, his stare made you remember the main reason you were there with him, even if it wasn't the important one for you.
As you walked away to look at the night sky through the huge "window" of the aircraft, Thor joined you.
—If it wasn't because that cage was in between you two, I could've sworn you both were about to kiss like a married couple that had been unexpectedly separated, and joined again for their love to continue until the end of times— said Thor almost jokingly, but the sincerety behind it is more than obvious, to the point it's brutal.
—Ha...ha...ha, very funny Thor. You know, after all this time, I thought you'd drop that old joke you've been keeping for as long as I've met your endearing brother, guess it's not like that, huh— you defended sarcastically. But the God of Thunder only replied with a genuine laugh
—Next time we'll give you the room to you both alone, don't worry, we won't peek, kido— Tony said, just joining himself without previous warning.
These words made you blush to the point it made your face burn., but of course you did your best not to give yourself away wuth your facial expressions nor your body language. But just the thought of him kissing you made your heart flutter and made you feel butterflies in your stomach.
«Oh come on! Don't think about such things!! After all that has happened, he ain't even really your friend anymore!! No more ridiculous fantasies!» you scolded yourself, denying yourself the permission to think about what you truly desired, and without knowing, what Loki desperately needed and wanted as well.
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Advance is Death clause or same cause drop the plot I forget to accept a front leading to me own Death I just shred wanting only what's mine money is no good if it leads u to chalkline before u can spend it label become ya beneficiary that often ends it forgotten unsoften unlost still hot when I drop this Bassline from Salem's Lot Fangs out running mutt werewolves out they stink like fleas n tics leech spit can't get with it so explicit a sticcer u gonna need it ZG Fire flame in ya Cypher of pain I'm still the same and shadows know me name Foe pool ball off me bank scratch close real locced n latch 18 wheels jaccknife that hatchbacc windows cracc as Souls fall bacc NYX IS 6 STRING SATIN BLACC yeah this is Southside thump Bass boom like landmines home of starshine breathe in the Divine can u say HORNS? 1 Ram in Alana scorned to be reborn 2nd chance adorned in circumstance on me way to mosh pits metal shirts tattoos n drunkenness 1 LiFe 1 Love 1 Love 1 LiFe witness effortless next key phrase to me G SHARP til it hit hard strength n memory inside scars so much heart Foes wanna restart this no game we play inside hallways Hell made until ya feel safe I feel Bass this flow unleashed from a Death Metal cage unchained inside a flame I don't wanna contain the glass is stained what's changed is the way it's arranged.
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Unlost
Loneliness is a feeling that i know very well. We all feel lonely somehow.
Alone in the morning ,alone in the afternoon and alone in the evening.
You like having people around but you find nobody.
none is there for you; no one understands you and none listen to you.
Your world is just yourself.
Most of the people you meet are just interested by the look that much to forget others.
They don't wanna know who you really are , they do not care and do not have time.
As i care about you, i have an advice for you today :
If you have time , please care about others , please love others as they are just as they with all the flaws.
That's where your real happiness and your blessings will com from by acting kindly.
I can not prove that but i know that every time i do good actions , i am always happy.
And every time i do something wrong , i am always sad , always feel guilty and i am not peace with myself.
Never forget to love yourself because none can do that more than you and you'll gain the strength to love others that way
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@wanna-feel-unlost continued from here.
“I’m good,” he said with a nod. How he had managed an invite was beyond him. Did he look like he was young enough to want to party? He didn’t think so. “As long as you all don’t bother me then party all you want but just so you know there’s a rumor people are disappearing around here.” Maybe that would discourage her. “And all they found was dust.”
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★ - Marceline
I like you / I hate you / I dislike you/ I love you / You are family / I would take a bullet for you / I would shoot you / I would lie to your face / I would say something cruel to you on purpose / I would say something cruel to you accidentally / I would cheat on you / I would physically hurt you / You annoy me/ You amuse me / I’d laugh at you / I’d laugh with you / I’d manipulate you / You scare me / You confuse me / I wish I knew you better / I trust you / I don’t trust you / You inspire me / I consider you an equal / You are beneath me / You’re better than me / I would trust you with my life / I think you’re mean / I think you’re petty / I think you’re childish / I think you’re smart / I think you’re stupid / I think you’re a bad person / I think you’re a good person / I’m not sure what kind of person you are / I wish you would listen to me / I want to make you proud / I wish you would notice me / I want to impress you / I would hurt other people for you / I’m not sure how to make you happy / I’m a bad influence on you / You deserve better than me / We make a great team / I’d have a one night stand with you / I’d have a relationship with you / I would marry you / I fantasize about our life together / I would trust you with my most treasured belonging / I would tell you my darkest secrets / You disgust me / You intimidate me / I hope I intimidate you / I’d hug you / I’d let you hug me / I’m scared of losing you / I don’t think you like me / I want to be better for you / I respect you / I don’t respect you / You’re my mentor / You’re my friend / You’re my best friend / I have a crush on you / I could easily watch you die / I’d get drunk with you / I’d party with you / I’d comfort you / I’d prank you / I’d spike your drink / I’d act behind your back / I’d abandon you / I’d hurt you to get what I want / I would choose my happiness over yours / I would choose your happiness over mine / I despise how much I care for you / I need you / I’m dependent on you / I don’t know what I’d do without you / I’m scared of you leaving me / I’d give my life for you / You frustrate me / I’d call for you in a time of need / I would protect you / I’d visit you in hospital / I’d carry you if you were hurt / I’d feel guilty if I hurt you / I’d let you be near me when I am vulnerable / I’d ignore a phone call from you / I’d call you at 3am / I’d break you out of jail / I’d get angry at you / I would shout at you / You’re too loud / You’re too quiet / You’re too sensitive / You can’t take a joke / You embarrass me / I feel nothing for you / You’re reckless / You’re bossy / You bore me / I would ask your advice / I would blame you for something I did / I would cry in your arms / You have the power to hurt me more than anyone else /
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‘ *nervously calls crush bro* ’
( * &. – MORE POPULAR TEXT POSTS.
“you, um— you doin’ alright, david? that’s— that usually only seems like something i’d say. do you– do you need to sit down?”
she’s a little concerned, sure, but she also can’t help the smile. nobody really ever got ‘nervous’ around her. not really. she was too sweet for that.
#└ — i’m not looking to be found i just wanna feel unlost ( ouat. )#heartwithdarkness#⁎ || a story will be told ( answered. )
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[ intertwine & kiss ] from david nolan
the intimacy of hands.
[ intertwine & kiss ] – for the sender’s muse to intertwine their finger’s the receiver’s muse and kiss the back of their hand.
----------------------
with as much as maya knew that david could be a sweetheart, this was one of those actions that still threw her off guard-- and may have gotten a small huffed squeak out of her, as well. ( was she falling hard? likely. )
"oh-- o-otay-- h-hi."
#v. i’m not looking to be found i just wanna feel unlost ( ouat. )#authcrwriites#└ — a stream of words unsaid ( answered. )
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I’m excited to feel motion in my life again
#im one day from the next chapter of my life#im anxious af#but im not letting that control me this time#im about to meet so many cool people#do so many cool things#and grow so much#im ready to feel unlost#or at least have a direction to walk in#this is kind of a peptalk to myself#i just wanna thrive man
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college
april 18, 2022 - 05:23
here we go again contemplating whether should i finally go to college, well i have been passing on college for 8 years now. the primary reason why i didnt go to college after high school is because i couldn't afford it then, but now there is a bill that states that every state university should now be tuition free, aside from that is i now have the means to get myself in a university, and there's also the educational assistance i can get from our company (from undergrad to grad). basically, it is just my will that is stopping me.
tonite, ive made up my mind. no, im still not going to go to college this year, not just yet. i wanna give the remaining months of this year to myself to catch up on the things ive missed when i was out breaking my back during my teenage years, also i will be needing most of my focus in my job as for being the young blood (yay to being an exec under 30), i must establish my post.
every year whenever i come to decide to give it a pass, there's always this feeling of longing that i should go to college, but im not feeling any of that this year. as matter of fact the feeling is quite liberating. ive learned not to rush things up just because everyone is telling it is what i must do, and it is quite ironic how the same people are also giving me that "relax, you're just 23". oh well. it just feels good feeling unlost. they can now ask me whats my plan and my answer will no longer be "i dont know, man" because i know now where im going, where i will be, and where i wanna be; and right now i am where i should be, and i am happy.
cheers!
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Poets Diary
life is still very much boring, and i am resltess, in it, i don’t have parents who raised me, so i cannot like the people i grew up with, submit myself, to the mundanity, of common things, even as when i am lonely, i envy, them for haing each other in those common things, but i find life utterly boring, i do find those moments of now these new endeavors in los angeles putting my art and poetry out there, exiciting, and so one, but in a daily sense, i feel squished like a fucking bug,
and this restless feeling, leads me to seeking out people, and things, that add more of an involvement of narrative, within life.
i am very secretive, i could be gay, and no one would ever know it, i could have a boyfriend and be writing this right now on his laptop,
i could be a unicorn in a realtionship with a couple who lives in studio city,
maybe i am all these things, and my restlessness is because,
finding identity is hard, no finding identity within a community is hard,
finding authenticity amidst faux hipness and idiocy is hard,
i am the economy of the unlost,
and it makes me suicidal, it makes me hateful, it makes me all sorts of fucking things,
that i feel like my mom did at the exact same fucking age,
you wanna know something else, ive been a little pussy at times, in the past,
i could’ve had the narrative i want, with this red headed, adult film actress, i kept going back and forth if i wanted to establish something with her,
and i squandered my fucking chance,
and i hate that about myself,
but again it was because i had this gap of confidence for so long, because i wasn’t raised,
you try being a kid, and raising yourself, no one teching you anything, your abandoned by people, no one taught me anything, ivehad to teach myself every fucking thing,
every fucking thing,
and that shit has been detrimental, because it caused depression, and acts of myself, against myself,
so in these years
ages 25-29
its felt like ive had to read again, as if i was fucking iliterate, and maybe i was,
because when i entered into college, my professors loved my writing, but said it was too artistic, that i needed to learn how to write acadmically, this was in context with academic work, so i learned,
ive had to learn, in order to not DIE, because i was left to die,
a curly haired mixed race boy, with no family, left alone in the world, which is hostile,
and i have seen how hostile this world is, it is very unforgiving, and navigating it is difficult,
ive clashed with people who could’ve loved me, but really couldn’t because i had to process this out of myself,
i think to chelsea, damn what could’ve been, but i had to process my life out of this,
if anything, what ive realized is i don’t like superficiality, i don’t like ego, i don’t like things with no feeling, no passion, no intillegence or experience,
and if i have experience, which is something all my friends say i have,
i have only the experience, of being left, and going against,
and that’s childish,
if i am man, an adult,
i want subsistence, i want nourishment, and health,
i want authenticity,
i want people who don’t block me on social media
i want people who don’t just unfollow me,
i want people who don’t call to drop by
they just come and we go out and do something,
if that’s here in america
where the fuck is it ?
and if its not,
give me a loan to get the fuck outta here,
which leads me to this, ive been considering committing fraud,
to leave this country,
and go to Europe,
yes Europe that not cliche is it ?
but all my heroes have all had to go to europe to have what i want,
James Baldwin & Henry Miller openly addmitted they were gonna die in america if they stayed here any longer,
Miles davis, on returning to america from europe literally became sick and depressed and developed a heroin addiction,
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Hi! I really like your blog and playlists and I wanna request a playlist based around the quote “I’m not looking to be found just want to feel unlost”
hi there!!! ahdjsj you are so sweet and I adore your blog as well!! by far this was one of my favorite playlists to make and I love love love the quote. I hope you enjoy the playlist, edit, and blurb-thingy! without further ado, here’s some background on the song choices!
(Un)Lost - I was really curious about the quote and googled it and this song appeared and you seem to be a fan of The Maine so I guessed that’s where the quote came from? and had to include it LOL it’s the first song on the playlist to set up everything. it captures the feeling I hope the playlist conveys in almost a overture? (peep “home” in the lyrics and the two songs with “home” in the title)
Along Together - not very sad! finding someone else! this is meant to covey a lost and found sort of idea. it paints as scene of roads and driving and paths and choices. finding other people lost too and considering being found.
Coming Down - this follows Alone Together as a contrast to the concept that other people can save you. it reminds me of driving, too. I consider this the point in the playlist where “I don’t want to be found” starts to come into play/realizing it’s not about being found.
Invisible - this song just feels like being lost in an internal sense. both lost to where you are to go/where you are and being lost in not knowing who you are. I liked the contrast in sound between this and previous songs (a lot more strings I feel! plus the entire violin)! basically I thought this playlist needed a sad song to represent the feeling of being lost and that is this!
Get Home - since Invisible follows being “missing” and lost is a lack of direction, this song is decision to make some movement home. home as in a starting point, a known safe place—somewhere where you are known and know yourself. there’s vocals that remind me of those towards the end of Invisible too, so I felt it fits in transition.
Homesick - scared about this one on here. definitely different sound from the rest of the playlist, but I think it makes a great follow up to Get Home. it’s about returning to a place you thought you knew only to realize it’s different. it’s not the same. do you know where you are? are you still lost? that’s the role this is meant to place. also a sort of realization that you’ve changed and grown too. somehow you’ve ended up a bit of stranger there. like things and places and people change, so do you! that’s not a bad thing
Safe - after Homesick is a realization of change in what home is, this is a search to find a Safe place again. one that fits who you are now. it returns to the feeling of being lost, but urges you keep going. it inspired a bit of the blurb with the playlist post in this sense that moving forward is a direction. also something about all time low & alex gaskarth’s vocals feels like comfort/reassurance. like “I can trust this music! if this music says keeping going, then why not?”
Don’t Let It Break Your Heart - similar to Safe in this sense of pushing through, but in an “already on the road” way vs Safe being about getting in the car and heading onto the road. I enjoy this message of not letting the hard times break you and regarding the “unlost” idea, I feel like as long as you have yourself, then you’re not completely lost or alone, yknow? so it important to hang onto that. like even if “who are you?” leaves you stumbling, you can always answer “me” and that isn’t wrong—even if there’s no definite explaination for it.
Who Do You Love - I had trouble placing this, honestly, but it feels like a song that promises something for when you’re not lost any more. it’s like a letter to future, I think. so as the second to the last song on the playlist, it serves as hope in the sense that address the future means you believe there will be. and it’s a little bit of compassion for the moments where you don’t feel like you can keeping moving—where you need a break, but it’s not that you’re giving up.
Get It Wrong - a song about being okay being in the unknown and taking risks. it’s choosing a path ahead despite not knowing where it ends and letting that be enough. it’s reassurance that wherever you go, you’ll figure it out and get through it and in term of being “unlost”... I feel like being lost implies having known your destination in the first place. if you don’t know where you’re going then can you actually be lost? how could you know the directions to a destination you have zero knowledge of? it’s definitely scary, but the song is this reassuring sense that it’s okay, whatever path you take—it’ll be okay. THE ENTIRE CHORUS!!!
#thank you for the ask!!! for the quote!!!#i hope you enjoy the playlist and don’t mind my run on sentences too much!#and thank you because this was actually so cathartic to make???#i don’t want to add too many more words but I didn’t know I needed a playlist like this til I made it and I just... i’m so glad you sent#in this ask and the quote!!!!#it was fun and amazing and i hope you like the songs#i may have done some scrolling through your music tag to see what artists/sonic you might enjoy!#pixiegrl#bandsanitizer 4k celebration#i dont have a tag for asks so i guess i’ll make it this
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You can tell a lot about someone by the type of music they listen to 🎵🎶
Rules: Hit shuffle on your media player and write down the first 20 songs, (I stopped at 10 cause the post was getting waaayyy too long) then tag 10 people. No skipping!
Was tagged by @twilightmomentswithyou @calumrose and @devilatmydoor, thanks pals🥰
Already had a first go at it yesterday, but why not do it again! Decided to add my favourite lyrics from each song this time! (I think @pxrxmoore did that one time but I’m too lazy to check so Beth, if it wasn’t you, just go with it alright thanks haha)
Defeated - Bad Suns
“I don't wanna be left alone, uncompleted, no I don't wanna be all alone and defeated” (why did this have to be the first one, my heart wasn’t ready to get emo this quick)
Hide in Your Shell - Supertramp
“If I can help you, let me know, let me show you the nearest signpost, to get your heart back and on the road”
(Un)lost - The Maine
Ok but this song has some of my favourite lyrics EVER I could honestly just quote the whole song for this but let’s go with “I’m not looking to be found, just want to feel unlost” 🥺
Society - Eddie Vedder
“We have a greed with which we have agreed, you think you have to want more than you need, until you have it all you won't be free”
Mrs All American - 5sos
Nope. “That minivan that you drive really gets me going” hands down wins worst 5sos lyrics ever. Just no. As if this comes on the time I decide to do fav lyrics hahaha
Ask Yourself - Foster the People
“Is this the life you've been waiting for, or are you hoping that you'll be where you want with a little more? ”
Ora - Ludovico Einaudi
Well I hesited skipping this one cause there’s no lyrics, but we’re keeping it, it’s such a beautiful instrumental piece! Ludovico Einaudi is my go-to for study music
Then Again - Half Moon Run
“You get a piece of me, but I get an empty hand, all of the pieces fit, but that big picture's wrong”
My Type - Saint Motel
“When there's loving in the air, don't fight it, just keep breathing” (okay but like i really needed to hear that rn, lowkey never really stopped and listened to the lyrics of the song before and this just hit me like a truck)
Thin White Lies - 5sos
“I don't think I like me anymore, can someone tell me who I was before?” (another one that feels like a punch in the guts, and can we talk about how it’s the perfect lyrics to end the song with?? brilliant songwriting a+)
Tagging @blackbutterfliescal @pxrxmoore @boomerash @ashtonlrwin @mashlums @castaway-cashton as always only if you want to do it!
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Hi Aly! I seen The Maine (and Stand Atlantic) for the first time this Tuesday and since then I been playing American Candy on repeat (especially Diet Soda Society and Am I Pretty?) and I was just wondering whats your favourite song from them and if you seen them live? - 💖 P. S. I hope your day is going just as lovely as you are ❤️
i have seen the maine eleven times hahaha. i started listening to them when their music was on mtv at the end of the time when mtv regularly played music videos lol. 2008ish.
i remember we waited forever for black & white to come out! they performed right girl at a six flags show i was at (before the album was released) and they played it really FAST and then when i heard the version on the record i was like, nooooo! haha. i liked it better at six flags.
those are two of my favorite songs by them! i also love miles away, don’t come down, black butterflies, how do you feel, i only wanna talk to you... i had raining in paris on repeat the other day while i was writing. life like this is great too if you can find it, but they never ever play that one haha. also, love & drugs and take what you can carry. and of course heroin because it’s sexyyyy. and unlost, how could i forget unlost???!!!
have so much fun! they put on a great show, and john is so goofy. stand atlantic is great, too! it’ll be awesome.
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an introduction of sorts
unaware of where I’m going / or if I’m going anywhere at all / but I know I’ll take the leap / if it is worth the fall / so as long as the blood keeps flowing / I’ll set the sail and swim across / I’m not looking to be found / I just wanna be (un)lost
- The Maine, (Un)Lost
I’ve spent more years than I can recollect in my life wanting to be found. To be found by other people, the perfect man, the greatest friends I could imagine, a parent who would actually parent, a teacher who would care. I’ve found these in slight glimpses throughout my life but spent my life from age nine onward burdened and overwhelmed by the extreme feeling of being ‘lost’. Sometimes it was harmless- sometimes I was simply a wanderer, devoid of destination, watching the scenery of my adolescence pass me by. And sometimes it was absolutely, heart-wrenchingly toxic - sometimes I was a hopelessly lost individual and I knew - just knew - the only place I could find any semblance of being ‘found’ was six feet buried under the ground. Of being found dead, an empty pill bottle in my hand and my fingertips cold, lips purpled. That, as I got older, became my definition of being ‘found’ more often than not. Because we are to believe that being lost is inherently wrong. “Not all who wander are lost”, so the overused quote goes.
But finally, I have settled on my truth, and it is this: There is beauty in lost. There is comfort and freedom in lost. There is unquestionably fear. Questions are often left unanswered in the lost, plans near impossible to make when you do not know which dirt path or city sidewalk the soles of your worn-out shoes will wander that moment. But you get to define the lost. You get to decide what it means. Unlost to me is different than found. I do not wish to be found - nor do I think I can be. Unlost is finding a nice quiet place within the lost. It is the quiet and beautiful hill you stumble upon to sit and write for a while. It is the quiet musty bar that takes you back in time, out of the hustle and bustle of the city you stumbled in out of. It is not the end destination. You cannot find unlost if you are found. It takes you out of the magic. Unlost is simply the quiet little moments in the middle of the lost you have made your peace with living in. It is the ocean kissing your feet for the first time in eleven years. It is riding a bicycle around the perimeter of an entire island and finding a large hill made entirely of unsturdy rocks and climbing it until you reach the top and looking over Lake Michigan with a view anyone could have but few will seek. It is a forest in which you lay, looking at the sky and closing your eyes and being instantly transported to the forest you trampled when you were only eight years old and finding your old peace and innocence.
These have been my unlosts within the past year. And this, this little URL in a hidden corner of the internet made for select eyes, made to rekindle a passion that once lived deep within me instead of made for the world to see, will be my newest endeavor into my unlost. I do not want to be found. I have never been found in my unlost and retained the magic - at most I have invited the most important of those in my heart to revel in the magic with me from time to time. So this is my unlost. If you are here, you are special and important. You have been invited into my upmost peace and magic. I hope this can be unlost for you like I hope it can be for me.
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log date 04 12 20: not looking to be found, i just want to feel 「unlost」
this past few weeks i’ve been feeling weird. i mean, i’ve always been, but now, even more :(
i really don’t think it’s the quarantine. i mean, i don’t really feel that much difference, but maybe, i’ve been thinking more and more about my future.
it’s always been scary for me, i think i’ve been avoiding thinking about it since high school. i thought it was normal to not know what to do. i just wanna go with the flow. but after i graduated uni, things are becoming clearer that i really need to think about these things. there’re no more stalling by doing things that are ‘fixed’ (like school and uni).
4 months into my job and i’ve never felt so lost. i don’t think this is what i want to do, but at the same time:
what is it that i want to do?
i was once really set on continuing my academic path and working on something that is related to my degree. but now, i’m not so sure anymore. i just feel like i’m not enough for that. not curious enough. not smart enough. not passionate enough. not diligent enough. not confident enough. even the thought of browsing for uni information scares me. i just.. don’t want to fail.
but at the same time, work hasn’t been the best. i’ve been unproductive, uninspired, unhelpful. i sometimes even pity the company for having to pay for an employee like me.
i know i shouldn’t have been keeping this mindset but how should i stop? i just feel so lost and purposeless, sometimes i wonder to myself: what’s the point of living?
i really don’t want to ask for much, i just want to feel unlost.
or maybe that’s too much?
i don’t know.
what should i do?
#this is all rants in short#documented journal#i have an offiline version of these#but the online version is easier for me to access everywhere#hope you guys feel better#i feel like im being dramatic#but i am really feeling nothing and everything at the sametime#it is crazy
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