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raineydays411 · 3 years

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Oh, what am I supposed to do without you

Loki x daughter!reader

Summary: Loki thought he was in a good place. He was married, happy and having a child. He should’ve known the universe wasn’t that kind.

A/N: God I’m so sorry about this one lol. Not much of the reader but I will be making a second part. I hope yall like this one though. Inspiration came from “Mr, Loverman” and this fic.

Master list

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The silence was rattling. It creeped into the room, slowly,menacingly. Threatening to make him go mad. It wrapped around his body like a familiar friend. Making it hard for him to breath as it suffocated him. He knew they were staring at him. Trying to figure out what he would do next, whether he would break or not. Truthfully he didn’t know what he would do. For now he just starred as well. Not at them, of course not. He stared at the one thing that mattered. His reason for waking up and living. The one person in this entire universe who gave his world color. He reached out to touch her. Touch the hands that were always so warm against his cold skin. Hands that held his firm and sure as she pulled him along behind her, a smile on her beautiful face. Hands that were now cold and limp, the radicant glow she had been known for gone dark. The colors she brought to his world dimmed to dull, gre, muted hues. Then a sound broke through the silence. two sounds actually. One a wail of new life, a baby taking her first breaths, and another. A wail of a man who has lost everything. A wail of agony and pain.

As the healers bustled around him, Loki had only one thought in his head.

“What am I supposed to do without you”

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Three months later and Loki still felt the emptiness left by his love. He heard her at night, humming sweet melodies as she stroked his hair. He hears her heartbeat as he eventually falls asleep, worn out by his constant tears. His room is in shambles, his clothes strewn about the floor, furniture smashed, everything is destroyed. Except for the things that belong to her. Her silk dresses that draped on her body perfectly were still hanging, untouched. The books she spent hours reading and re-reading remained on the shelf, collecting dust as they were no longer used. He doesn’t let anyone in their chambers. The space where they both shared. Space where they fought, made up, made love. To let someone else in would be tainting it. Soiling the memories they made together. That was one thing he could never do.

Another was look at the little monster who is responsible for this tragedy.

It was a girl. The daughter of one Loki Odinson and his beloved.

Ironic. This child was supposed to bring happiness with its birth. Not even cleaned and it already managed to take away Loki’s light. He can barely stand looking at it. He tried, of course he tried. But within minutes he had to call the nurse to take it away. Why?

Because she has her mothers eyes.

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“Loki”

“Get out”

“Loki, it's been nine months since your child was--”

“THAT THING IS NO CHILD OF MINE”

Frigga was taken aback. She knew her son was heartbroken, devastated at the loss of his wife. But to disown his daughter, that was something she didn’t see coming.

“Loki, you are being unreasonable.”

“Unreasonable? My wife has died because if that creature--”

“It is a child. A babe who has no idea who her father nor her mother is.”

“And as far as I’m concerned she never will!” Loki shouts, finally looking up at his mother.

Frigga heart breaks for her son. She sees the utter agony he is in, the inner torment going on in his soul. Even if she didn’t see it in his face, the state of his room and self gives it away. He looks like he hasn’t bathed in the nine months that has passed. His clothes were rumpled and wrinkled, hair unkempt and wild. His face was pale and hollow, as if he was only eating enough to survive. He had dark bags under his eyes that showed that he hasn’t been sleeping well. He truly was a man who was broken, almost beyond repair.

“My son” Frigga said carefully,” I can never understand the pain you are going through, I pray to Valhalla I will not have to anytime soon. But please if not for yourself or that child, for the memory of her, attempt to see your daughter before making a rash decision.” And with that, she walked out of his chamber, leaving Loki to the silence again as he stared at the spot his mother stood. considering her words, he got up. picked up his room, went to bathe and walked out of the room for the first time in nine months.

His face held no emotion as he walked down the hallways. He saw the servants stop and stare at him, shock filled their face as they saw the prince. He glared at them, sending them scurrying at the dark glance. He reached the nursery, the maid who oversaw the nursery tried to stop him.

“My lord, you--”

“Where is the child.” He said, calm and cool. The maid looked at him in fear, not knowing how to respond. At her silence, Loki scoffed and pushed her away, marching into the nursery. Upon entering he froze, memories of him and his beloved discussing the design they wanted for their child

**“Darling, why does the color shade matter? It’s not like the child has expectations.”

Laughter fills the air, “Loki, we must put every effort into showing our child they are loved. That includes finding the perfect shade of green to go with the room”

Loki looks at his wife, gently smiling.”If you say so my dear”**

The room was perfect. The walls were a beautiful shade of green that allowed the light into the room. There were vines and flowers crawling up the walls and draped over curtains. A white and gold crib stood in the middle of the chamber. A veil draped over it, preventing Loki from seeing the child inside. He was thankful as he worked up the courage to walk up to it. He looked out the window, seeing the stars that covered the sky, the lights of Asgard covering the earth.

She would have loved it.

He took a deep breath and walked toward the crib. He pulled back the veil only to see that there was no child in there.

“The babe is with your mother my lord.”

He turned to the maid. Embarrassed that she might have witnessed him reminiscing.

“And where is my mother” He asked

“In-in the dining hal--”

He walked away before she was able to finish her sentence. He took long strides to the hall, wondering his his mother had tricked him into eating with the family.On the way, he passed a window overlooking the garden. He thinks of the times where he used to sit in it and listen to her read.

*** “...exquisite, in question more. These happy masks that kiss fair ladies’ brows”

“My love, why do you insist on reading these midgardian stories?”

Her laughter reaches his ears, “Because beloved, it's a different perspective to something familiar”

“Oh? and what is that ?”

“Love” ***

“oki--”

Hearing his name, Loki is brought back to present times once more. He looks to see Thor, watching him with careful eyes.

“Brother, it is wonderful to see you.”

“I wish I can say the same.”

Thor laughs, a soft chuckle compared to the booming laughter Loki knows he is capable of.

“Ah Loki, your dry wit has been missed”

Loki rolls his eyes and starts walking and Thor follows. The two walking in silence.

“What is it like?” Loki says softly. Thor looks at him in confusion.

“It?”

“The child.”

“Oh brother, Y/n is--”

“Y/n?”

That was the name she wanted. If they were to have a girl. She was determined, seeing the name in the book she loved to read. He remembers when they were telling his family she was with child.

*** Everyone was seated, servants bustling around the long table. Laughter filled the hall as the sun was setting.

“Loki, you said you had news to tell us” Frigga said, taking a sip of her wine.

Loki smiled, looking at his wife. Her face absolutely radiant as she flashes a smile of pure joy.

“ Well,” Loki waits till Thor has taken a large swig of ale, “ My beloved and are are expecting a child.”

Gasps fill the room as well as Thor's hacking, ale being spewed on the table.

“Oh Loki that is wonderful!!” Frigga exclaims standing from her seat to embrace him. “Oh my dear, this is the most wonderous news,”

“BROTHER I can’t believe it!” Thor exclaims, lifting Loki in a crushing hug. And for once, he didn’t mind it. He turns to her and hugs her more gently. “ You are just full of surprises aren’t you, starlight”

Laughter, “Thor, I thought I told you to stop calling me that”

Silence fills the hall as Odin clears his throat, “ Loki, you have made me proud.”

Loki smiles as his love beams at him.

“Thank you father.”**

They reached the dining hall. A cold feeling formed in the pits of his stomach. He can see his mother, talking with a maid as she bounces the child. He can’t see it, as Frigga's back is turned to him. Odin’s presence is notably absent, a small relief on Loki's part.

Thor notices his brother’s nerves, he pats him on the back and says, “You can do this Loki.” Then walks off to join his mother. He kisses his mothers cheek and smiles at the child. He picks her up, bouncing her a few times prompting a small laugh. Loki gimances at the sound.

Thor walks up to him with the baby.

“Loki, this is Y/n Odinson”

He looks at the child. He takes in its features, Beautiful curly hair, already thick and voluminous even at this age. Brown skin, unblemished and clean. Cheeks, chubby with baby fat. And...its eyes. Those damn eyes, he could barely stand it, (e/c) eyes, the same as his lost love. In fact, almost all it’s features that once belonged to his darling. A pain filled his body. He really couldn’t stand looking at this child.

Not when his beloved wasn’t there to gaze upon their child as well.

No, this was not his child. Not anymore.

“Get rid of it.”

Shock filled the faces of both Thor and Frigga.

“Loki you cannot be serious.”

“Brother..”

“I SAID GET RID OF IT” Loki shouts. “I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT LITTLE MONSTER.”

And with that he leaves the dining hall. Leaving behind his mother, brother and the last piece of his wife he had. He hears it’s cries fill the silence.

He had only one thought in his head as he entered his chambers.

“What am I supposed to do without you”

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#loki x daughter!reader #loki x reader #loki laufeyson #marvel x reader #thor x reader #thor odinson #loki imagine #angst #fanfic #mcu loki #mcu imagine #tom hiddleston #poc #poc reader #reader insert #Loki x poc!reader

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zirkkun · 3 years

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I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

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jeonjeonggukenergy · 4 years

Text

Anti-Hero

summary ~ in search of wine at a party that’s so not your scene, you run into jungkook, the weeb from your film class, and become determined to learn just how much he lives up to his big reputation.

pairing ~ jungkook x reader

genre ~ fluff, smut (coming in ch3!) - college!au

wordcount ~ 2.3k

warnings ~ pretty much n/a, mentions of drinking and light smut

a/n ~ v excited for these lil dorks! i thought about combining this with the upcoming chapter but it felt right on its own and i wanted to go ahead and post an update for yall haha. ch 3 will most definitely have some serious smut to look forward to 👀 thank yall for reading, i love and appreciate any form of support or feedback so so much, so feel free to msg me or send me an ask abt whatever you want! 🥰 hope u enjoy this chapter!!!

previous: chapter 1 ~ next: chapter 3 | chapter 4 (coming soon!)

~ read on ao3 ~

CHAPTER 2 ~ cowboy bebop & chill

You couldn't stop thinking about Jungkook. Every time you brought the enamel of your favorite mug to your lips, teeth knocking the rim as you exhaled to cool off your tea, it called back the click of his earrings in your mouth. Whenever you reached behind your ear to tuck away the hair you'd impulsively cropped to your chin this year, it hit the same spot you'd sucked into a bruise on his neck and you shivered. Even your slight headache thanks to the shitty vodka from the pregame reminded you of the wine you'd sought out from him in the first place and never fucking got to drink.

You found yourself reading over your responses to each other's discussion posts from your film class, trying to find any more justification for this sudden crush than the drunken flirtation that mortified you as soon as you remembered it sober. He did seem to like your directness...but you could easily ascribe that to his similarly loosened-up state. Scanning through your reflections on The Shawshank Redemption and Casablanca, you painstakingly overanalyzed every smiley face and "I loved that part too!" Could he have been into you at all before this? Or had he just eyed you for another quick fuck at a party? Shit, what if he hated you for working him up and then leaving? If he wanted to, you knew he would have easily found someone else to finish the night with. But what if he still held it against you? The image of him bitterly turning aside to find another girl in the crowd, with your hickey still fresh on his jaw, turned your stomach more than you wanted to admit.

Shaking your head with a grounding exhale, you reminded yourself that whoever else he did or didn't hook up with was none of your business. Plus, he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and probably didn't hate you in the first place. Wow, the bar really was so fucking low. Maybe that was part of the reason you were never that bold with boys. Every classmate you'd fallen for so far at college had remained innocently unaware of your feelings, likely because you never worked up the courage to clearly express them. You hadn't even been trying this time, though—this semester had been so busy you'd barely had time for your friends, much less crushes. And now your one blowoff class had become your biggest distraction.

Jungkook, a communications & media major, couldn't afford to lose as much focus in this class as you. Normally near front-and-center, he sat all the way in the corner of the last row, wary of imaginary stares burning through the hopefully-opaque-enough curtain of his hair. Even the risk of zoning out staring at the back of your head stressed him out less than the thought of you doing the same to him.

You walked into class through the back right entrance today so you'd pass Jungkook in the front row, though you could have gone straight to your usual left-side seat from the main door. Knowing you'd never summon the courage to talk to him, you still couldn't help wanting to see his face. You didn't know just what you were looking for—some kind of confirmation or dismissal that would let you just move on with your dry-ass life—but any reason to catch a glimpse of Jungkook was a good one. Today, though, he sat far closer to the entrance than you'd expected, and his proximity stopped you in your tracks a few feet behind him. Eyes dragging down the sculpted form under his soft black sweatsuit, your stare traced the veins in his forearms to reach the hands in his lap. Catching a half-page cartoon ass in your view of the manga he gazed at intently, a snort-laugh escaped you, the sound setting him on high alert. He snapped the book shut, spinning around with eyes wide and still-long hair an understandable mess for a Monday.

"I'm so—"

"I'm so sorry!"

You both shoved out the words at the same time.

A pause swelled between you, eye contact maintained as your mouths fluttered open and shut like fish. Even awkward and off-guard like this, he was just so damn pretty. It felt unreasonable for him to seem as flustered around you as you were around him. Finally, you spoke again, solely to force the conversation forward and put you both out of your misery.

"W-what do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one who, like—ugh, I was drunk, I'm so sorry, I never would have been so, yknow, if I was sober, like that's not me I promise, I really didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or—"

"No-no-no-no-no!" Jungkook cut you off, dismissing your barely intelligible apology. Before you could cut him off in return and continue, he held up both hands between you, his eyebrows knit together in a pleading expression. "Are you kidding me? Seriously, I feel so bad, I was kind of drunk too, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable! Please, you have nothing to worry about, it was, uh...I was...good...if...you were." He grew shyer as he continued, drifting off as a hand reached back to rub his neck. A light laugh. "You did make me have to keep my hair long for another few days, though. It's gotten so annoying to take care of, I was planning on cutting it right after the costume."

This admission perked up all your earlier curiosities about him, and a cautious smile spread over your face as Jungkook unconsciously reminded you that he was, in fact, a total dork, rather than the fuckboy you'd irrationally feared him to be.

"Wait, hold up," you snorted again. Gently. "You're telling me you grew out your hair for three, maybe four, months...for a Cowboy Bebop costume?"

"Hey, it was free and way less lame than a wig," he defended himself. Crossing his arms over his chest, he fidgeted uncomfortably, face blushing into a grin as you continued to giggle at him.

"You are such a fucking weeb," you accused lightheartedly.

Jungkook furrowed his brows back together, an anxious hand grazing the spot where you'd marked him again. "Well, you recognized my Spike costume, at least," he pouted. "You're not all innocent."

"I watched one episode with my friend, and it was dubbed," you downplayed. "Isn't watching dubs instead of subs a crime for real anime fans?"

"Actually," his eyes lit up at your rhetorical question. "The dub of Cowboy Bebop is excellent. It's pretty universally considered better than watching the OG with subs. You're right though, that is the general rule."

"Oh man, who knew." Looking down, grinning, you tried to hide how endeared you were by his earnestness. "Well, it was pretty cool, not gonna lie. I guess I kind of get the appeal."

"Would you want to start watching the rest sometime? That's one I just never get tired of," he blurted, then blushed, closing his mouth and working his lips between his teeth as his eyes stayed wide and on you. Jungkook's heart accelerated in his chest, a fist opening and closing at his hip as he tried to decide whether he regretted taking a chance on the question.

You instantly diverted all your mental energy from hoping he couldn't sense your attraction to massively overthinking your response. This was a "Netflix and chill" kind of invite, right? If he wanted you, of course you wanted him, but you had to be sure before you did something else stupid and risked having to find another discussion board buddy.

"Um...yeah, sure," you accepted. "I have to ask, though, do you mean, like...Cowboy Bebop and chill?" You raised an eyebrow, trying to look bolder than you felt. "Or...Cowboy Bebop and just...Cowboy Bebop?"

"I..." Mirroring your playful grin, Jungkook shrugged, not wanting to look like a fuckboy if he answered with the first option but also wondering—were you actually interested in watching this anime with him? The possibility puzzled him, the same way it confused you how he could go bold and then back to his shy weeb-ass self within seconds. You shrugged too, with an anxious exhale of a laugh.

"That was...weird to just say like that, sorry. We can just see where it goes, whatever you want," you backtracked, full of faux-nonchalance. The Google Calendar schedule on your phone suddenly became very interesting. "We could do another day if that works for you, but I'm free after this class once I write my discussion post—I don't have any other homework or meetings today for once."

He nodded quickly, eyebrows up. Swallowing, Jungkook saw the opportunity to show a little more initiative and seized it. "We could do that together even, 'cause we usually jump off each other anyway. So you can come over right after class if you want." He glanced up and to the left for a quick mental inventory. "Oh shit, wait, but I seriously need to clean my apartment first, can we do more like dinner time tonight? You can just come over for ramen or takeout if you want, or eat first or whatever."

"Yeah, that's fine!" you agreed warmly. "Ramen and homework, two birds with one scone. I should probably, like...get your number? So you can send me your address when you're ready or something?" You didn't want to sound too desperate, especially since you knew he was used to it, but you found yourself weirdly excited to experience something he so obviously loved. If you got dicked down too, even better, but you were definitely willing to wait on that part, especially now that this first sober conversation had restored your inhibitions. He had this slightly shy sweetness about him that just made you want to make him happy somehow. You wanted to see more of his cheesy little smile. You wanted to hear the bright laugh that occasionally rang out at the most inappropriate times, during Citizen Kane or attendance. You wanted to watch his light pink lips fall open in bliss as you kissed down his sensitive neck to the trim of his worn-in hoodie...

"Yeah sure, here." The quick touch of his hand over yours snapped you out of your thoughts as he took your phone, ready to type in his number, and—

"Wait, did you say 'two birds with one scone'? Not 'one stone'?"

You blushed furiously. Somehow him calling you out on your quirks embarrassed you more than the indecent daydream he'd interrupted. "Okay, so I saw this tweet a while back where they said 'feed two birds with one scone' to replace 'kill two birds with one stone,' I think it was just some vegan troll being all like 'don't talk about killing birds!' but it stuck with me because I just really fucking love scones."

"You...really fucking love scones?" he repeated in slight sarcasm, eyes down on your phone. You grew even shyer, but continued.

"Yeah, I bake a lot and they're my favorite thing to make. The flavor possibilities are endless and they last for days so I just keep them on hand for breakfast and snacks and to give out to friends. And they go with tea, which is my other favorite thing." Ooh, was he a tea person? Should you bring some tonight? Something earthy, to go with your ramen. Your go-to green sencha, or maybe chrysanthemum? Chamomile?

Jungkook held your phone back out in front of you, but waited silently for you to notice, enjoying the view of wheels turning in your head as you pondered tea pairings. This was the you he was used to, daydreaming in class and going on tangents as dorky as his in discussions. Even from a distance, he'd noticed you consistently gave off a vibe somewhere between absentminded professor and grandma, and this confirmation made you even cuter to him. But the hair still falling over his ears wouldn't let him forget his new physical proof of another side to you.

You finally collected your phone with a mumbly "Oh right, yeah, cool, thanks," that you prayed sounded more chill to him than it did to you.

"I just texted myself, so I have your number too now, and I'll just send you my address when I'm ready, and, uh...yeah!" he rambled a bit in response.

You nodded, confirming. "I'll see you tonight!"

"Yeah, see you tonight."

Jungkook watched you walk to your desk, silently admiring your ass and allowing himself only a moment to savor the memory of half of it filling his hand. A strange nervousness tingled through him. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about you all weekend either, and now he had a chance to get closer to you than ever before. He hoped, more than he could remember hoping for anything else, that this would go well, one way or another. He had no idea what you wanted with him, but you had him questioning everything he'd thought he wanted. Easing open his laptop, he pulled up your last discussion board response to him, signed off with a smiley face but backwards.

I like the way you think. (:

He turned his head to read it right-side-up, letting his face scrunch into a smile you wouldn't see.

Meanwhile, though the film thrilled you, you struggled to stay facing forward for the duration of class. You suspected the plot of Rear Window was simply unsettling you, but you swore you could feel Jungkook's eyes on your back. No, he was probably actually watching the movie as usual, or reading his manga if not. You were definitely just being paranoid. Definitely. Probably. Right?

next chapter

#jungkook x reader #jungkook smut #jungkook fluff #jungkook x reader smut #bts smut #bts fic #college!jungkook #college au!jungkook #bts college au #jungkook #jeon jungkook #bts jungkook #jungkook imagine #bts imagine #bts fanfic #jungkook fanfic #my writing #anti-hero #anti hero

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little-dragon-stories · 4 years

Text

Damage done Part 2

One time… You did it only once and it happened to break Jiyong’s heart. If at least you had confessed immediately the truth to him. If you hadn’t let your feelings get into the story, maybe you could be happy today. But you loved each other intensely and you betrayed him.

Pairing: female reader and Jiyong

W.C 3656

Warning: Angst (happy ending?? Not sure yet!). Deep sadness, alcohol (don’t drink and drive yall), sex mention but not real smut, broken heart Jiyong, bad words, what else?

Read the warnings before each part please.

Watch out, there are some changes in the plot time and point of view. I wanted some flashback of their good times together in their present story.

Present day, your POV

You have tried to hold back the seething torrent of tears as long as possible, at least until you got home. Then, the valves opened and you couldn’t contain your pain any longer. You cried, cried and cried again until your body could no longer provide tears. You felt like such a bad person, it was hard to put up with yourself. Of course, you were also crying over the fact that you lost him, the most perfect man that you ever met. You lost him by your own fault. You thought you were over him, over your love story. Unfortunately, you were not and seeing him tonight, still mad at you after all this time, broke your heart into pieces.

Lying in the dark, looking at the ceiling, you were thinking back to those exquisite moments you spent with him. This tenderness, this immediate complicity between the two of you. You would give everything that you have to be able to turn back time and start over again. This time, you would do things differently. When you finally stop shaking and sobbing, you closed your eyes and thought of him.

2 Years ago

«I’m so sorry» he said even although he didn’t seem regretful at all. He was standing at the end of the bed holding what was left of your black and gold dress «I don’t know what happened».

«You need a reminder?» you asked him and he giggled at your question.

«I’m not saying that I forgot what we did, I just haven’t figured out how I could tear your dress to shreds».

He had just washed both of you with a hot washcloth like a real gentleman. It was the first time someone did such a thing for you and to be honest, it almost made you uncomfortable. But when you realized that for him it was a way to show you his respect, you let him do it. He had just got up to put on his boxers on and wanted to give you your clothes when he noticed the damages on your dress. He climbed on the bed and crawled to get on top of you, abandoning the clothes on the floor. He kissed your neck as soon as he reached it, nibbled on it and trailed his way to your shoulder and breast. His kisses were more passionate, more demanding.

«What are you doing? I thought we were getting dressed»

«We were but since you can’t wear anything, we better stay a little longer in bed, don’t you think»?

«I won’t question that logic and just enjoy your kisses» you laughed as you grabbed his face to bring him closer, suddenly needing to taste his mouth again.

And just like that, without you even realised it at the time, you had won your bet.

The morning came too fast to your liking. You were lying on top of him, your hips still joined together as if you had fallen asleep right after having sex. When you opened your eyes, you felt his breath against your skin, soft and steady. His eyes were closed and it seemed that he was sleeping peacefully, unbothered by the weight of your body on him. You took a few moments to observe his angelic face. You looked at his heart-shaped lips, his perfectly drawn nose, his sharp chin. Moved by a sudden tenderness, with the tip of your finger you traced an imaginary line that connected his beauty marks. First on the right cheek, passing through the nose while finishing his race on his left cheek. You trailed your fingers down his neck and continued the line with the 2 moles under his left collarbone. You were so focused on observing the grain of his dark caramel skin, you didn’t notice that he was awake and smiling blissfully.

«Good morning beautiful lady»

Caught in the act, you jumped out of fear.

«Dear lord, you scared me» and after you calmed down a bit «please tell me you didn’t call me that because you forgot my name» you asked playfully, poking his side. He burst out of laughter and said «No, no, no Y/n! I didn’t forget your name, I am not such a monster»

«Well, who knows, you could have» you shrud.

«Yaaah, I couldn’t, what are you talking about? Also, I have to say, this is the best way to wake up. I could get used to so much sweetness»

«Aaaaw, sorry Jiyong. I didn’t want to wake you up but I couldn’t stop my hand, they weren’t responding to my commands anymore» He moved under you and you wiggled around, trying to get your weight off him but he stabilized you with his strong grip around your waist.

«Where do you think you going? I ain’t letting you go anywhere» he kissed your temple.

«I don’t want to be too heavy on you, you must be uncomfortable»

«Nah, I’m good! It’s actually very comforting» he said. He held you firmly with one arm and stroked your back with the gentlest touch he could manage with the other. Soon, you melted again in his arms and huddled there tenderly, shivering under his caress. If you hadn’t been shy, you would have purred like a cat.

«How will I go back home, I can’t wear my dress anymore?» he chucked before he said

«You could go naked, this magnificent view could be the driver’s pay» you poked his side again.

«Hey! I thought you were good guy! You wouldn’t let me go like that, right? The strap is in pieces»

«Don’t worry, I will give you some of my clothes when the time arrives. Although only against the promise that you will bring it back». He kissed the top of your head.

«Is this an attempt to tell me you want to see me again?»

«It definitely is. I was not even subtle» he said sheepishly.

You lifted your head to look at him in the eyes. He seemed sincere, his eyes were dazzling.

«I’m glad you do because I feel like seeing you again too» after a couple of shared kisses, you both fell back asleep in each other’s arms.

You comfortably stayed in bed, eager to get to know each other. You discussed your respective jobs, your families, your friends. You exchanged about the things you want to accomplish in the future, your dreams and your fears. You talked until you were hungry. Then you ordered food and ate in bed, covered only by blankets. Jiyong insisted that you stay and spend the evening then the night with him, marvelled at the connection that seemed to have been created between you in such a short time. You bed in for almost 2 days and all this time, you were glued to each other. The only time you left the bedroom was to order food and shower.

When reality struck and you had to go back to work, you were both unable to part, in each other’s arms whispering promises to see you again. Shyly smiling at your cuteness, you kissed for a long time before you finally could escape his embrace and follow the driver that was bringing you home. You knew you couldn’t see each other for 3 longs days, he was leaving for Japan for a short promotion trip. Only two days ago, he was a complete stranger and now you will miss him like crazy. Love can be unreasonable sometimes.

Present day Jiyong POV

«Oppa, can you zip my dress please?» She asked him, whining. What was her name again? He’s scared that if he tries a name, it will be the wrong one. Despite being annoyingly immature, she was kind of a nice catch in bed so he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t mess things up. Not yet so he safely used a pet name.

«Yes princess, come here»

«Will there be a lot of people?» For some reasons, each time she talked, he thought she was annoying.

«Well, it’s a charity event so, yeah, logically there will be a lot of them»

«But I don’t like it when it’s crowded»

«We’ll be back soon princess, you won’t even have the time to think about it and we’ll be back».

«Good»

As he finished preparing himself, he had a thought for you. He remembered, you were not a party girl either but it never bothered him. He actually found it cute. The only night you went officially out with his closest friends, he was so proud to have you by his side. He found it cute the way you would whisper in his ear «Jiyong, I’m exhausted to answer so many questions… I feel like my social time is done for a whole month» He would answer in your ear softly, trying to keep a poker face so nobody will guess what he was telling you «it’s because you can’t wait to have your hands on me, isn’t?»

«You’re way too confident about the effect you have on me M.Ji»

That was the kind of relation you had together. You were always teasing each other, glued to one another. His friends would say «Jiyongie, you never looked so happy, what’s going on with you?» The answer was simple: he had met you.

That was back then. Now, every time, every single time he had a thought for you he was sad, he missed that connection so much, it still hurts. How long will it take for him to forget you? To forgive?

Tonight at the charity event, as the evening went by, he was surrounded by a lot of people. He didn’t noticed you were in the same event until Youngbae came closer and told him.

«Man don’t freak out but I think I recognised Y/n»

«What? Where?» His eyes automatically searched for you. He got a little agitated when he didn’t see you.

«She’s in the ballroom, having a drink». He abandoned Tae and his recent partner to go and see you with his own eyes. He couldn’t lie to himself, he also wanted to see what you’d look like dressed for the charity ball party. He couldn’t help but imagine you in your evening dress molded on your curves, the way it would fall on you and flattered your skin. If he would have been your man tonight, he would have insist for you to wear a deep purple dress or a red one. Those colors would have perfectly fit the tone of your skin and the color of your eyes. But knowing you, you probably chose a black one as an attempt not to get noticed.

He spotted you, a flute of champagne in hands. You were smiling fondly at an old woman who was talking to you. He decided that he wanted to surprend you so he started his way towards you before his arm was grab by Seunghyun.

«Are you sure it’s a good idea? She broke your heart once»

«Don’t worry, I won’t fall ever again» his eyes never left you as he spoke. As if you felt his gaze on you, you lifted your eyes and looked straight in his direction. It was hard for him to read your non verbal now, normally he would have thought that you were sad. But, that was before you betrayed him. Now, he can’t read you anymore.

«Hello» he said when he arrived at your level.

«Jiyong, please. I am surrounded by my coworkers. Don’t...»

«Am I not allowed to tell you that you look beautiful?»

«Well… I, I mean...» you stuttered, which was not your habit.

«Don’t worry. I am simply saying hi. That’s all»

«Jiyong, I am sorry. I know you don’t believe me but I never meant to hurt you»

«Let’s forget it for tonight shall we?»

«Ok» you agreed.

«What are you doing here? You work for _____ company now?»

«Yes, I do. I love it pretty much»

«That’s good. Who did you came with?»

«I came with my co workers. You?»

«Oooh, I guess her name is Nayeun? Mayeum? Something like that» he smiled cockily.

«Jiyong, that is not like you… »

«I prefer to keep woman away from my heart now. But my body has needs, if you know what I mean»

You were interrupted by your boss who came and introduced himself to Jiyong. After all, not every day he could meet up with such a celebrity. He used the fact that you knew G-Dragon to talk to him and ask for money for his charity. When Jiyong accepted to sign a check for the cause, he turned around to talk to you again but you had disappeared. You thought you’d be better at home, away from him. He wouldn’t want you to go. He wanted to keep you close to him, waltz with you later, talk to you and pretend like nothing ever happened. Unfortunately, he had to go back to the insignificant girl who was with him when he arrived.

2 years ago

You were both lying in the bathtub. He was behind you, his arms wrapped around your waist and his chin on your shoulder. Resting between his legs curled over yours, you seemed perfectly relaxed. You were seeing each other for 3 weeks now. Since he came back from his short trip in Japan, not a day went by that you didn’t see each other. He would sleep at your place, using every possible trick not to be recognized by your neighbors. Most of the time tho, it was you who came to his house. You even brought your dog so he wouldn’t be alone in your apartment. To be perfectly honest, he had to restrain himself to ask for your hand. He was ready to commit himself with you right here, right now. He was ready to swear that he would cherish you for eternity, for better and for worse, until death do you part. You were so comprehensive, listening to him, never judging him. You were an actual angel. A sexy angel, which was even better. You and him, it was a match made in heaven. The complicity on every levels were undescriptible. He was never able to be himself with people before he met you. Well, he opened up with his friends. But in a romantic relationship, it was hard for him to trust his significant other. Maybe because he often thought that the woman he met was more interested in G-Dragon than himself, his true and humble self. You never seemed to give any importance to his status and that, but not only that, put him at ease.

«Huuum» You moaned when he started to draw circles on your stomach. «Thanks for that Ji, I needed that relaxing moment and I didn’t even knew it»

«You are such a complex lady. Normally woman do such things»

«What’s with the prejudice?» You asked him and he smiled at you, you felt him in his voice

«It’s not a prejudice. It’s a fact that women like to bask in the bath and apply all sorts of treatments while they do it»

«You should know by now that I am not like anybody else»

«Yeah, I noticed» he smiled and kissed your cheek.

He took a bottle of shower gel and applies a generous amount in the palm of his hand. He placed the bottle on the edge of the bath and rubbed his hands together to warm the gel before taking your arm and gently massaging it. You immediately liked the odor of this new luxury product, it smelled sandalwood and ylang ylang with a hint of vanilla but very subtle. Jiyong took his time to wash every single part of your body in a, what seemed like, a completely uninterested way.

«Sit straight, I’ll wash your hair»

You did as he asked and he gently poured a few glasses of water into your hair, gently massaging your scalp with the shampoo afterwards. His touch was delightful, he took his time to massaged each centimeter gently. He murmured some sweet words in your ears as he was doing it.

«You know, you smelled good already. I love your odor so much, your taste. It’s very appetizing to me»

You were not used to so much tenderness.

«You said that to every woman you slept with, I’m sure of it» you teased wishing deep inside that you were the only one.

«I never said that to anybody before. I am completely seduced by your odor love, your taste. It’s animal»

You were overwhelmed. You had nice boyfriends before but never like that. Never so romantic and so completely into you. Jiyong could stop something he was doing, come behind you and take a deep inhalation in the crook of your neck or in your hair, just for the pleasure to smell you. You never felt so much loved, needed or desired and it was making you feel so good. You have to say, you felt the exact same about him. You were completely seduced by every single detail regarding his body. His smell, the way he kiss, his gaze, his eyes, the softness of his words and the tone of his voice. You were falling really hard for him and you didn’t even wanted to refrain yourself because you knew he was feeling just the same way about you. You felt it.

«Jiyong, I am already charmed. There is no need to try and seduce me like that»

«The romantism… I am deceived» you heard the smile in his voice «love, I will try and seduce you every day, be aware. You will know every day how much I want you, you will know every day that I am making the choice to be with you because I am completely into you too. So, don’t try to stop me, I’m a romantic»

With the shampoo still in your hair, you turn around surprising him. You straddle his thighs and snaked your arms around his neck.

«I will never stop you then. I am not use to so much tenderness. I think that from now on, I will only want romantic man like you»

«You should have say you will only want ME, dammit woman»

«Humm, I’m not quite sure yet. Show me why I should chose you» you lovingly teased him as you kissed his chin.

«You bet I will»

Present day Jiyong POV

He emptied a complete bottle of wine remembering that night he spent with you 2 years ago. You both had the biggest laugh of your life when the shampoo started flowing into your eyes. The bathroom was flooded with water. While you were rinsing, you were trying to maintain the movement of your hips, not being ready to separate until you had reached your climax. You were unbothered by everything that kept you away from that ultimate moment, you didn’t even notice when the shower head came out of the tub and flooded the tiles, too immersed in the love session. That was always like that with you. Completely free, spontaneous and a little messy.

He opened a second bottle of wine but decided that it was enough for tonight and emptied the precious liquid in the sink. Nayeon, he noticed her name on her licence earlier, was asleep completely naked on his bed. She told that she was in love with him earlier tonight. As the complete liar he is, he have told her that he felt the same. You, the beautiful and clever you, would have noticed he was not telling the truth. You always read into him like an open book. You were always able to know when he was down but pretending to be cheerful because he didn’t want to bother you. You would just stand up from wherever you were and come closer to him. You would have encircled his waist and told him «I know you are not feeling good or at least something is bothering you. If it has something to do with me, please tell me so we can fix things. If it has something to do with anything else, just know that you can tell me if you need to vent. I will listen to you». And indeed, he told you. He told you everything that was on his mind. He talked about all the concerns he had. His doubts. He told you his deepest secrets. He gave you informations about the company that you could use against them. Fortunately, you never did. For that, he is grateful. But for a long time, he thought you would use it against them. It didn’t seemed to be your intention.

He was really happy to see you tonight, in your ball gown. Why did you leave without a goodbye? He was told by Seunghyun that you have left the event right after you talked to him. He wonders why you had to leave in such a hurry.

He heard his phone ring. He answered as soon as your name appeared on his screen. You seemed upset, panicked.

«Jiyong, I need to talk to you. It’s important»

«Oh, but why?»

«Jiyong, please. I need to talk to you»

He was wrong on the first place. You were not upset, you were drunk or high. Knowing you, it was more likely the first option.

«Where are you?»

«Home»

«Are you safe, Y/n?»

«Define safe»

«Well, it’s...» You cut him mid sentence.

«Can you please come here. Fast» And you hang on the phone.

He didn’t debate with himself. He woke up Nayeon and told her it was time for her to go home. Less than 12 minutes later, he was knocking on your door.

#kwon jiyong #jiyong #GDragon #G-Dragon #Jiyong scenario #Jiyong serie #Bigbang #Bigbang scenario #ff #Jiyong ff #Jiyong one shot #GDragon one shot #g-dragon ff #g-dragon serie

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syekick-powers · 4 years

Text

rambling about emotions and self-control

i think one of the things that pisses me off the most when family members criticize me is when they say that i’m “bad at controlling my emotions”. first of all, I have ADHD and bipolar simultaneously, my emotions are a hundred times fucking stronger than yours. secondly, i am actually excellent at controlling my emotions. i am the kind of person where if i am having a panic attack, you might not have any fucking clue that i’m even having anxiety unless i state directly that im having a panic attack. ive had PAs so bad where i legit thought i was about to die and not a single shred of that world-ending panic touched my external affect for a second. part of my fucking trauma revolves around having to hide my distress to avoid freaking out other people, which means that i learned to develop a diamond fucking grip on my external signs of distress. it’s deeply maladaptive in some situations, but in other situations it’s equally as useful. and yet because i am very animated and exaggerated in my persona, people assume that i just let my emotions fountain everywhere uncontrollably and that i’m just a waterfall of feelings.

incorrect. every bit of exaggeration in my affect is deliberate. i am not acting like a clown because i can’t control myself, i am purposefully choosing to exaggerate to convey my feelings more effectively. if i don’t want you to know what i’m feeling, you will never ever ever find out. there are some people i interact with on a regular basis whomst i fucking loathe deeply, and yet any time i interact with them i am completely personable and friendly. when im streaming video games on a high difficulty and get frustrated from having to do the same part over and over and over again, i never get tilted on stream. i dont yell or rage, and in fact the more frustrated i become the more blank and expressionless my affect turns. when i was playing dead space 2 on zealot difficulty on stream recently, all of my viewers were complimenting the fact that i spent at least two collective hours on trying to beat the final boss and yet still did not get visibly upset or pissed off once.

yes, my emotions are strong. i have two separate disorders that both have “emotional dysregulation” as some of their biggest negative side effects. my bad moods feel like a fucking firestorm most of the time and strong emotions are very difficult to handle and control. sometimes, my emotions get the better of me and i snap or get irritable. but the only time i’m irritable is when i feel physically and emotionally like utter dogshit and the bad mood impacts my ability to hold back my emotions. the truth is that in my day to day life there are dozens of fucking things that irritate the living hell out of me and i choose to discard my frustration rather than stay mad about something trivial--either that, or i feel the frustration intensely, but bite it back and don’t say anything because i’m not in the mood to pick a fight. if i’m being pissy with you, it’s because i’m completely fuck-out of all mental and physical energy that i would otherwise use to hold back my irritation. there is nothing left to burn. there aren’t even fumes in the tank. this bitch empty, so prepare for the yeet.

the problem that i run into with my family members is that this internal struggle to contain my emotions is completely invisible to any external viewers. they’re not me, of course they can’t see what’s going on in my head. what makes that an issue is that they don’t see the twenty fucking times i got irritated and managed to control my temper through the frustration, they only see the five or so times i lose control. my efforts are invisible to everyone around me, so when i finally do get fed up and make a snippy comment or complain, it seems like i just let my emotions get the better of me all the time.

to be fuckening honest, if the people who criticized me lived one fucking day in my shoes, the extremity of my emotions would exhaust them within hours. the thing is, i’m 25 fucking years old, which means i’ve lived with this shit for over two fucking decades. i have learned to control myself to an extent, and, being honest with yall? it fucking exhausts the living shit out of me all the goddamn time. it’s like my brain expends all my mental fuel reserves on overclocking my emotions as hard as possible while leaving no fuel left over for activities in the day that i actually need to do. it’s part of the reason i’m so fuckdamn tired all the fuckdamn time. but i’m not bad at controlling my emotions when i actually have the energy to do so. in fact, i’m so good at suppressing them that half the time, people don’t know i’m upset at all. to a certain extent, i’ve gotten used to how extreme my emotions are, and have started learning to predict what sets me off so i can make an effort to avoid the negative stimulus and save myself the frustration. i’m just really fucking tired of people accusing me of not controlling my emotions well enough when god fucking damnit you have no idea how hard i’m actually fucking trying!!! it feels like i’ve gotten so good at hiding my distress in my day-to-day life that now people have no fucking idea how shitty i actually feel until they poke me one too many times and i fucking bite their finger off, and then assume that i just randomly blew up on them with no reason or justification. that i’m just behaving like this to spite them personally.

i promise you im not fucking behaving randomly. in fact, my frustration triggers are actually pretty fucking consistent. the same bullshit behaviors will always piss me off; what changes on a day-to-day basis is how well i control the extremity of my reaction. if i’m having a good day, i have enough fuel stores to go “meh, whatever” and brush it off without being too bothered for very long. if i feel like shit, my ability to control my response is hampered and it becomes much harder to bite back a snippy comment. i’m not lashing out to be malicious or spiteful. i’m lashing out because you’ve been doing this shit every day for the past two fucking weeks and today i’m just too tired to deal with this fucking bullshit anymore. my reaction is not a sudden unprovoked blowing up of a bomb. it’s “you poked the caged animal one too many times and now it’s going to fucking bite you to make you stop because it has no other way to express its frustration”.

i try to be clear and concise with my boundaries, and frankly i don’t think they’re all that unreasonable. i like to be able to decide when and how i do a task on my own time rather than being pushed and pulled and jabbed and pressured every step of the way. i like to be able to have my own space where people have to get my permission before entering suddenly so that i feel like i have a safe place to hide when i’m overstimulated. i like to decide when and where i want to engage in socialization, and for how long. i like being able to decide when i’m ready to do a task, rather than having a task suddenly shoved on me with no warning or being pressured to do it before i’m ready. i do not like being gifted objects i did not request (and often actively requested not to get) and then being expected to be grateful for something i didnt even want in the first place. i don’t like gifts coming with invisible price tags and obligations that can change whenever the gifter decides they want more out of me. and i absolutely cannot. fucking. stand. passive aggression. all of these things do not really seem all that unreasonable to me, yet time and time again people treat me like i’m just asking for so much more than they can possibly give. and you know what? 75% of the fucking time when someone crosses one of these boundaries all i do is Make A Note Of It and go along with the boundary violator’s wishes anyway, because i actively decided that making a big deal out of them crossing my boundaries is not worth the effort of asking them to change their behavior, because throughout my entire fucking life i’ve been constantly treated as the irrational, unrealistic, crazy bitch for trying to set those boundaries. i’ve been taught time and time and fucking time again that defining my boundaries is too much to fucking ask. so when someone does violate my boundaries, there’s a little “Sye will remember that“ popup and absolutely zero expression or reaction. which means that yes. when i finally get tired and can’t bite back my frustration any longer, it’s because you’ve done the exact same thing to me two hundred fucking times previous and i don’t have the fucking patience to suck it up and deal with it anymore. im done with your shit.

so yeah. i’m a little bit fucking sick of people telling me that i have poor self-control. the fact that you think i have no self-control is an indicator of how good it actually is, because i’m so fucking good at hiding my distress that you don’t even have any idea how absolutely like a fetid mound of horse shit i feel like until my fuse finally burns all the way up. i can contain a 10-out-of-10 ‘i’m imminently about to die’ panic attack so well that not a scrap of that panic shows up in my external affect for even a second. i can suppress my pain on stream when it’s at a 7 out of 10 intensity or higher and be fucking on stream playing video games and commentating and show almost no sign of discomfort except for an intense concentrating face. don’t you fucking ever tell me that i’m bad at controlling myself. i’m a goddamn adult. i’ve learned how to control 90% of my fucking emotions so well that i could be holding a conversation with you imagining myself breaking your fucking nose and show absolutely zero sign of external hostility. i am good at controlling my fucking emotions. the problem is that my emotions are so world-endingly, apocalyptically intense that sometimes i just get too fucking tired to hold back, and then that’s when i bite. i’ m not just lashing out randomly with no provocation. i’ve been tread on a million fucking times and took it with a smile and you had no fucking idea. just because i bit you doesn’t mean i did it because i have no self-control. self-control? self-control???? don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control you headass bitch. i have a fucking supernova coming out of my brain and you’re telling me im weak for not being able to bite it back when your emotions have about as much intensity as a bowl of lukewarm porridge. don’t ever fucking criticize me for not being able to control myself when you’re playing life on easy mode and i’ve been stuck on expert all my fucking life. self-control. don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control ever again. you have no idea what the fuck you’re even talking about. fuck off.

#sye's babbles #sorry this is a fucking essay but i needed to get some shit off my chest

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dvp95 · 5 years

Text

can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve - chapter 10

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: e

warnings: none

tags: alternate universe, slow burn, fluff & humour, tiny bit of inner turmoil wrt sexuality but trust me it’s not that deep, deeper than anticipated but still not that deep y'all this is primarily silly, eventual smut, idiots in love

word count: 4,286 for this chapter (45,795 total)

summary: Dan keeps making a fool of himself in interviews, to the point where it’s basically a meme. Now he’s got to sit down for the better part of an hour and sell his show to the YouTuber he’d had a massive crush on when he was a teenager.

read from the beginning on ao3 or on tumblr!

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

"Daniel?"

Dan blinks. He blinks again, zoning back into the conversation he's supposed to be a part of.

"Er," he says, sheepish. "What was the question?"

"Are you sure you're feeling okay, Daniel?" the woman asks - the interviewer asks, fuck, this is like the sixth time he's asked her to repeat herself. "I heard you were ill yesterday, weren't you?"

He wasn't. But that is what Jaime and Patrick had sworn up and down to anyone who asked, because they're good partners in crime like that. They look like they regret it now.

"Yeah, Daniel," Jaime says, stressing his name in a way that makes Dan think she's one more fuckup from smacking him in the back of the head. He'd probably deserve it, at this point. He can't remember being this scatterbrained in his whole life, and that's saying something. "You sure you're okay being out of bed?"

The word 'bed' gets stressed too, just a bit, and Dan feels a flush creeping up his neck.

It's honestly unreasonable how he can't seem to focus on the task at hand, which is answering softball questions about the show he's worked on for three years, because his mind keeps drifting back to Phil.

Phil, who he'd left in bed with Thor, all sleepy noises and grumpiness at Dan needing to leave. Phil, who has the day off and might still be mostly naked and lazy while he waits for Dan to come back. Phil, who he only has three days left with.

Three more days in London. Two sleeps. And Dan has shit to do every single goddamn day of it.

This is a work trip, technically. They've got a handful of interviews the next two days that couldn't be scheduled for their first London stretch, and then they're going to France. That's exciting, it is, a mark of success that Dan never expected for himself, but right now he's frustrated by anything that cuts into the time he could be using to kiss Phil.

Dan is so busy remembering how Phil's mouth had felt against his that he forgets to answer the question. He can practically feel his eyes glaze over.

"Daniel," Patrick says, audibly exasperated.

It takes a lot to get Patrick to that point, so Dan ducks his head and mumbles another apology.

"He's fine," Jaime tells the very nice and concerned interviewer whose name Dan has long forgotten. "He's just got a lot on his mind right now and he's really shit at multitasking."

"Hey," says Dan. It's a weak protest.

The interviewer is a tall woman with kind eyes that crinkle into laughter lines when she smiles at him. She's dressed casually, has a denim jacket with patches and pins all over it, and Dan feels his eyes linger at the rainbow on her pocket.

What is that like? To be so certain and so confident that you can wear it on your sleeve even in a professional environment? Dan doesn't know that he'll be able to get there.

He wants to compliment her on it. It's the same urge he had in the restaurant with Phil's family, vocalizing that he wishes he could wear more nail polish. The same swirling anxiety of being judged for it follows quickly, but this time it's amplified by the recording device in the interviewer's hand, the knowledge that anything he says right now will be analyzed to death later.

Dan wants to live authentically, and he wants to get to a place where he doesn't need to hide, but he's frustrated by the reality of how much progress that's going to take. It's not going to be easy, it already hasn't been, and it's never going to stop.

Even with making a name for himself and having an audience, Dan knows that coming out publicly still won't stop strangers from making assumptions about him or demanding an explanation for the women he's been seen with. He'll have to come out over and over and - it's scary. It's really scary.

The compliment catches in his throat. He can't say it to someone recording him, no matter how kind her eyes are. He hasn't even told his grandma yet.

"I like your jacket," he says instead. He feels like a coward for it.

"Thanks," the woman says brightly, looking down at herself and tapping one of her bigger patches. "Customized it myself, obviously. It's a wee bit more colourful than you like to be seen in, right?"

The casual chirping helps Dan relax, reminds him that this is a laid-back interview with easy questions. Nobody is shining a heat lamp on him and asking for an expose on how he spent part of last night inside of another man.

He grins and shrugs. "Yeah, alright, I wear a lot of black. Sue me. I can still think colours look nice on some people."

Great. Now he's thinking about Phil again.

"Like Jaime," Patrick offers, tugging at one of Jaime's bubblegum braids. Dan still can't tell if it's a wig or not, but she smacks Patrick's hand away like it's her own hair.

"That's true," says Dan. "Jaime wears as much black as I do, though, I dunno that she's the best example."

Patrick nods, solemn. "At least her hair is interesting."

"Oi, fuck you. Sorry," Dan adds sheepishly. Even though this is an online print interview, he still feels a little bit of shame whenever he slips up and curses during an interview.

The woman - Cara? Catherine? Camilla? Ca-something? - just laughs and waves his apology off.

With an ease that Dan can't help but notice isn't quite as practised as Phil's, the interviewer moves on to questions about their other cast members. While they don't have any trouble making fun of each other, it's even more fun to exaggerate stories of people who aren't here to defend themselves.

Dan tries so hard to participate. He does. He laughs in all the right places and gives Jaime grief for not remembering something right, because he's given this poor interviewer nothing of substance. The thing is that Jaime is better at telling stories and Patrick is so dry and stoic with interrupting jokes that Dan knows he isn't needed for this. He lets them bicker over a story detail that he's long forgotten and feels himself start to zone back out.

He listens to Patrick's slow timbre, Jaime's trill of a laugh, and lets his mind drift back to where it wants to be.

Even though it's tempting, Dan isn't stupid enough to text Phil in the middle of doing his fucking job. He has to resort to checking his phone between interviews and pictures, getting more and more pouty about the lack of response to the things he's sending throughout the morning. Phil must be having a lie-in, because it takes him a couple of hours to even see Dan's texts.

ugh i should have just stayed in bed

pls send thor pics

and you pics but like give me a heads up if your dick is out im at work

i dropped my coffee on jaimes lap fml shes gonna kill me

im just so distracted lmaooo

canft believe youre just asleep thats so rude

Oh nooooooo. I always cry over spilt coffee :( you want me to bring you one? I can come hang out for lunch!

The sweet text is accompanied by a photo of Thor asleep on the sofa, his little head pillowed on Phil's knee. Phil is wearing Dan's pyjama pants and - it's hard to tell for sure, with the way the photo is angled, but Dan thinks he's got the Friends shirt on. Frankly, that should be gross. Dan wore that shirt for way too long for it not to smell like, well, his sweat, and that is objectively not sexy.

Dan feels gooey warmth spread from his stomach outwards, anyway. Maybe it is gross, but it makes him happy to think about Phil's shirt smelling like him the way that his own Yeezy shirt still faintly smells like Phil. He covers his mouth with a hand so nobody milling around will see him grinning like an idiot.

thats ok, Dan texts back one-handed. yall look comfy you should stay. i'll b back for dinner and snuggles ok?

Ok! ^_^

God, but Dan wants to be there now. He wants to be the one cuddled up with his head in Phil's lap. He recognises that it's very stupid to be jealous of a dog, but he isn't going to let that stop him.

"Hey, Howell." Patrick's voice interrupts the daydream of slender fingers carding through Dan's hair.

Dan blinks. He blinks again, looks up.

"I didn't even see you sit down," Dan tells him, bemused. They're sharing a bench in the building's lobby, not wanting to go too far in case they need to go back upstairs for more photos during the short break in their day.

"Yeah, you're on another planet," says Patrick. Dan wishes he could argue that fact. "Things went well with your whole Love Actually emergency, then?"

The reference pulls Dan up short. He feels his brow furrow as he walks through the entire film in his head. "What are you talking about? None of this happened in Love Actually."

"It's British, isn't it," Patrick says nonsensically.

"I don't," Dan starts, but then he gives up. He and Patrick are close as coworkers - friends, even - but Dan never quite understands the links that Patrick's brain makes. "It went well. It went really well. I don't know if Jaime told you everything I texted her, but I like... fully ended up meeting the family."

Patrick's eyebrows raise slightly. That's quite a reaction, from him. "You met the parents? Bro. You just started dating."

They're not in an overly crowded area, but people keep waking by them on their way in or out of the building, so Dan is pleasantly surprised to discover that Patrick can play the pronoun game, too.

"Yeah," says Dan. He doesn't want to get into the mix-up right now. He's sure that Patrick will have another incomprehensible reference when he hears about it. "But it just feels... I dunno. Right? In a way other people haven't? Maybe that's obvious."

"It's not obvious," says Patrick. He's snapping a hair elastic around his wrist idly, the gesture something Dan had thought was an expression of annoyance or frustration when they first met. Dan knows now that it means Patrick is tired, that he wants to shove his hair off his shoulders and stop it from tickling his neck. They're only halfway through their day, though, still a couple of photoshoots to get through, so he can't put his hair up just yet.

Dan knows so much about these people. He's learned it all from such close proximity for the past three years, but he also genuinely likes spending time with them. He feels, suddenly, very guilty for wishing cancellation on this thing they've all worked so hard for.

"Sorry," Dan says.

"For what?"

He doesn't really know how to voice it. He shrugs. "For being a shit coworker right now."

Patrick gives him an indecipherable look and shakes his head. "Daniel," he says, "you're not being a shit coworker."

"I kind of am, though," says Dan. "Like I can't focus at all, I'm missing interviews, and I... I don't know how much I want to go back to Atlanta. Is that bad?"

"Why would that be bad?" Patrick hums. "This is your home."

Home isn't an easy concept for Dan to wrap his head around. He hadn't had a happy one for most of his life, hadn't been able to find somewhere that felt quite right ever since he escaped that. So it's a little disconcerting when Patrick's words settle into his chest and feel like indisputable truth.

"London is home," Dan echoes, wondering it it feels just as right coming out of his own mouth. It does. His head is spinning, a bit.

"Yeah," Patrick says, like it's that easy.

Dan gives himself a little shake back into the present. He smiles, wry. "Still, I probably shouldn't be crossing my fingers under tables for the producers to shut us down."

For a moment, Patrick looks confused. Dan is all ready to apologise again, shove those feelings down, but Patrick just says, "So negotiate your contract. You know that you aren't required by law to see the show through to the end, right? You can just not come back for season four, or only come back for a couple episodes instead of a full season."

They're sat in a fairly public area, with other people walking about, but Dan could hear a pin drop in the shattering silence that rings in his ears at Patrick's use of logic.

"I," says Dan, "did not think of that."

Patrick nods. "You kind of tunnel-vision sometimes, has anyone ever told you that?"

By the time Dan returns to Phil's building, he's talked himself into and back out of quitting his job a dozen times. It's a dumb decision, but not much dumber than simply waiting for someone else to make the decision for him.

He decides to call Amy when he's in France and talk the options through with her. She's already looking for potential gigs in the UK for him, so hopefully the conversation isn't going to come as much of a surprise to her. The last thing he needs is for his agent to get upset with him over making changes in his life.

Dan's head is buzzing with it, loud enough to give him a headache. He texts Phil that he's outside and waits to be let in. He gets an intrusive domestic fantasy of letting himself in with his own key, and reminds himself to rein in this U-Haul bullshit.

"Hey!" Phil beams as he opens the door and steps back for Dan to come in. Other people live on the other floors, but Phil still leans in for a long kiss the moment the door closes behind Dan.

It sends sparks up Dan's spine and quiets some of the unending noise in his head. He sighs, leans into the kiss, wraps his arms around Phil's waist to pull him even closer.

He's cognizant of where they are, though, so he pulls back to rest their foreheads together after a moment. "Hey yourself."

"Did you have a good day?" Phil asks, his tri-coloured eyes bright and unguarded.

"Yeah, but it's better now," says Dan. He's parroting what Phil said to him yesterday, and he can tell that Phil recognises it from the little smile on his face. "You look nice. You showered just for me?"

Phil laughs and tugs at Dan's wrist, pulling him down the stairs. They've got four left feet between them, honestly, so it's a miracle nobody takes a nosedive.

"Yeah," he says as they narrowly avoid any number of broken bones. He presses Dan against the wall next to his front door and grins at him. "But it was also for the judgey moms at the dog park. You look nicer, you didn't take the makeup off?"

To be honest, Dan had forgotten it was even on his face. He settles his hands on Phil's hips and smiles. "They made me look like the best version of me, why would I erase all their hard work?"

"Mm, you do look pretty," Phil says, and Dan is lucky to have his back against a wall. His knees might have actually buckled at the praise if he was unsupported.

"Pretty, huh?" Dan asks. He tries to keep his tone dry, like it's a big joke, but Phil's big eyes just see too much.

"Very pretty," says Phil. Dan doesn't know how to handle being complimented by Phil's deep, sincere voice, but he isn't given much of a chance to react before Phil is speaking again. "But I don't know that I'd call this the best version of you. You looked really nice when you came, y'know."

"Fuck, Phil," Dan laughs, a little breathless. "I was literally gone for ten hours."

"Ten hours too many," Phil grumbles.

Dan laughs again, but he has to admit that Phil has a point. The day had absolutely dragged on with the knowledge that his probably-boyfriend was waiting for him.

"You wanna go inside, then?" Dan suggests, running his thumbs just under the hem of Phil's clean shirt. "I'll do a lot of things, but this floor is cement, mate. I'm not blowing you out here."

The giggle that's surprised out of Phil makes Dan smile so wide it hurts his cheeks. He smacks the center of Dan's chest lightly and steps back to let them both into his flat. "I was thinking we could, like, order dinner first or whatever, but I'm not going to complain if you want to switch up the itinerary."

"The itinerary," Dan mocks, looking around for a ball of fluff running directly at them as he struggles with his shoes. "Uh, where's Thor?"

"Uh," says Phil. There's colour high in his cheeks that he tries to hide by flopping onto the sofa. The sweats he stole off of Dan don't really leave much to the imagination at all, not when he's sitting like that, and Dan almost loses his balance when he stands up straight. The pink doesn't leave Phil's face, but a knowing smirk joins it. "He's in the bathroom."

Dan's heart skips like an old CD player and he laughs to mask just how fond he is. "Uh huh, and here you are acting like you were really ordering food first."

"Well," Phil says, his smirk growing, "we could still order first, it'd be at least twenty."

"Sounds like a challenge," Dan hums, coming around the sofa to sit on the other end and lean forward, kissing the sliver of skin where Phil's shirt is riding up. "Why don't you do that, and I'll go get a bloody condom."

Phil blushes, proper blushes, and pulls a packet out of his pocket. "Ta-da," he jokes, weakly. "For my next trick -"

"If you say you're going to make your penis disappear," Dan says, flat, "then I'm walking out."

They just look at each other for a long moment, like a staring contest neither of them initiated, and then Phil snorts. That sets them both off and soon enough they're laughing, Dan's nose tucked against Phil's hipbone and Phil's hand over his mouth.

"I wasn't going to say that," Phil insists, still giggling. "I wasn't."

"Sure you weren't." Dan grins up at him and slides up his body, a little less graceful than he'd imagined it in his head. He presses their smiles together and licks into Phil's mouth. A little noise passes between them when Phil's hands find their way into Dan's hair, but Dan isn't sure which of them it comes from.

The giddy feeling of laughter doesn't leave Dan's chest. He lets it make a home there as he trails kisses all over Phil's long, pale neck. He doesn't need to guess when Phil likes something - he squirms and makes these little huffs of noises, grip on Dan's curls tightening just a bit before it loosens again. It feels impossibly powerful to learn how to take Phil apart like this, like they're teenagers snogging on the sofa in their first relationship.

It's strange that this does feel like a first relationship for Dan, in a lot of ways. He loved his first girlfriend and cared about other women he's dated, but it's not the same at all.

Finally, Dan is allowed to feel all the things he's supposed to have felt when he was younger. He's allowed to let budding affection and lust and friendship all wrap up in one person.

"So, the piercings," Dan murmurs, letting his hand slide up Phil's shirt to toy with one of them.

"What about them?" Phil asks. He already sounds impatient and needy, like he had last night, and the sound of it goes straight to Dan's dick.

Dan laughs and sits up, helping Phil get his shirt off over his head. "I mean, do they do things for you? Do they feel good when I touch them? How do you want me to touch them to make them feel good?"

"Do you always ask this many questions during sex?" Phil asks, dry.

There's no point in lying. "Yeah, I tend to babble." Dan gives him a winning smile and taps at Phil's hips, a silent request for him to lift up. Phil does happily, arching up for Dan and letting his stolen sweats get tugged off. "Guess you'll have to shut me up somehow."

Phil laughs, muffling the sound of it with his palm, and shakes his head. He looks so fucking gorgeous like this, giggly and naked and starting to get hard against his thigh. Dan has no idea how he got this lucky.

"That's such a terrible line," Phil informs him, grinning wide. He doesn't seem bothered by Dan being dressed when he isn't. He just settles back against the cushions and wiggles a bit, either trying to get comfortable or just teasing Dan. Either is possible at this point.

"It's not a line," Dan protests, shrugging his jacket off and settling back between Phil's legs. He presses his mouth to Phil's soft tummy and, unable to help himself, blows a raspberry.

Phil kicks out at him, instinctive, and his tongue is trapped between his teeth as he tries to hold back giggles.

"My nipples aren't sensitive," Phil tells him, voice wavering with some combination of amusement and arousal. He drops a hand to wrap around his own cock, thumbing at the metal on the tip of it. "This is. It, like, tugs. It's nice."

Biting back a groan at the sight, Dan digs around for the condom. He impatiently knocks Phil's hand out of the way to get him hard enough that he can roll it on. The piercing just above his balls settles nicely at the bottom of the latex, almost like it's holding it in place. Dan rolls it between his fingers, watches Phil's eyes flutter closed. "And this one?"

"Not as much. Still good, though." Phil's tongue darts out to lick his lips, and Dan grins at the unconscious reminder of what he's meant to be doing.

It's not the most comfortable for them to be laid out on the sofa like this, lanky as they are, but Dan isn't nineteen anymore. His knees do not hold up the way they used to. He wraps his hand around the base of Phil's cock and lets the tips of his fingers idly play with the metal bar as he finally gets his mouth on Phil.

Dan isn't used to the taste of latex accompanying a blowjob, but it isn't unpleasant. He gives Phil a couple of long licks and then sucks lightly at the head, not sure how much pressure Phil likes yet.

That's something he thinks he'd love to learn. He wants to know everything about Phil's body, wants to make him tremble with it.

Dan is extremely offended when he glances up and sees that Phil is tapping something on his phone, but the offense settles when Phil huffs a laugh and says, "Put in for takeaway. All yours, now."

The phone gets put down and Dan tongues at the bump of Phil's Prince Albert ring through the condom. That makes Phil's breath hitch, his hips jerk just a bit.

It's been years since Dan has had a cock in his mouth, but he likes to think it's like riding a bike. He takes Phil deep, hollows out his cheeks, repeats any motion that makes Phil let out soft groans. He forgot how much he likes this, fuck.

Much like everything else, it's somehow impossibly better with Phil.

Phil keeps a hand in Dan's hair and braces the other on the back of the sofa, breathing hard, and Dan doesn't want to close his eyes and miss a fucking moment of this.

"Fuck," Phil breathes, and Dan responds with an answering moan around his dick. "Yeah, alright, that's - fuck, Dan, you feel so good, look so pretty like that."

The praise still makes Dan shudder. He sucks Phil harder, feeling the weight of Phil's cock on his tongue as he speeds up his movements.

Dan remembers blowjobs to be pretty fast. He also never gave one to a man older than twenty, though, and his jaw starts to ache once he realises that Phil isn't going to be pushed over the edge as quickly as he's used to.

He pulls off to give his jaw a break, stroking Phil and pressing his open mouth along the side of him.

"You think I feel nice?" Dan laughs, pleased by the way the gust of air makes Phil's cock twitch. "Fucking, forgot how good this feels."

"Yeah?" Phil prompts, his voice deep and breathy and so, so nice to listen to. No wonder he's so successful on the radio. "You like sucking cock?"

Dan shivers. "Yeah," he says. He's unashamed, because he feels safe here with Phil. He can admit to liking a cock in his mouth, a hand in his hair, being called pretty. "Yours specifically, though."

Phil laughs. "That's good. I like specifically your cock, too." He looks over at his kitchen for a moment and raises his eyebrows. "I'll get dressed and answer the door when the pizza gets here if you can make me come in the next five minutes."

Well. Never let it be said that Dan Howell backs down from a challenge.

#phanfic #phan #phanfiction #dnp fic #words words words #can't breathe when you touch my sleeve

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peachessashaven · 5 years

Text

Who Do You Love - Joe Mazzello x Reader

Synopsis: Joe's been distant lately with you, you're confused on why. Let's hope he can own up soon on why.

Words: 3.7k

Warning: like one swear word, reader be confused af

A/N: yall my best friend wrote this masterpiece its better than ive ever written but she cant be fucked putting it on her blog 😂 i love her a lot so show this some love too!!

Everything or nothing, that’s how it’s always been with Joe, and he’s always given me his everything. That’s why I found his behavior strange lately. I wouldn’t call it distant, but something had changed, like how he had been acting around me. He’s been dismissive, not wanting to spend as much time with me, but this behaviour wasn’t unusual, or unnatural for what’s changed in his life. He’s been on set for the past few months with his mates - coming home at unreasonable hours of the morning, 3am, 4am or even 6 in the morning. “Hey Babe, did you want to go out for dinner tonight? Maybe to a nice fancy restaurant, just the two of us?” I had asked, happily. Looking towards Joe for your answer, after throwing my pillow on the freshly made up bed. Joe and I lived together, it’s been this way for just over a year now. Everything had been going great when we both moved in together, it was like nothing had changed. He still took us out on dates, spontaneous gifts here and there, nothing too out there. But, maybe about a week ago, that went dull. “Sorry, Hon. I can’t.” He said dryly, coming out from the bathroom with a towel around hung atop of his damp hair, which would be a rather attractive sight to you if it weren’t for the disappointing news. A frown made its way upon my face as I had nodded sadly. “Oh, alright.” Shaking my head, I looked up towards where Joe was and smiled at him, running my hand through my hair, pushing it back. “That’s alright. I know that you’re busy with work and everything,” I explained as I turned off the Radio that sat on our nightstand, right next to a photo of Joe and I, the day we spent our one year anniversary at the beach. “I just thought it would be nice for you to have some time away for a while, you know?” My voice progressively got more and more shaky. I spun around after taking a good look at the photo. Joe looked at me with sorrowful eyes, and took a step closer towards me. Shaking my head, I smiled more, even if I felt like my heart had fallen down to my feet. “I just thought that some time out away from everything, your practice and rehearsal,” Without my knowledge, a tear rolled down towards my chin. Sniffling and wiping away the tear, I shook my head once more, forgetting what I was going to say. “It really is okay, I just miss you.” Looking up into his eyes. “I really...I just really fucking miss you, Joe.” Heading towards the bathroom door behind him, I softly spoke before shutting the door. “I have to get ready for work.” My eyes landed on his face just before I closed the door. Dread. That’s all I saw. His eyes filled with pure sadness and dread. Another tear had strolled its way down my cheek. This feeling... I never want to feel it again. That was 6 days ago. I have spoken to Joe since then, of course, but it’s been small conversations, like how was your day and what do you want for dinner, as well as I Love You’s. To say I had been moping around the house since then would be an understatement. Of course I had been sad, but Joe hadn’t even apologised, or asked me if I’ve been okay since then. The same look of sadness hadn’t left his eyes, so I haven’t even thought the fact that he might want to leave me. He wouldn’t...would he? Hearing my phone’s ringtone blast from the lounge-room, I left the kitchen to see who it was calling me. “Hey Gwilym, what’s up?” Trying your best to sound like you’ve been doing alright. “Hey, love!” His welsh accent coming through easily. “I was just calling to see if you’d like to come on set and watch us rehearse? I know Joe might’ve contacted you about it already, but since you’re not here, I thought I’d ask if you wanted to come!” He sounds peachy and genuinely happy. I hope that Joe is too. “We all love your company around here, and it would be such a delight to have you.” Smiling, I nodded, trying to ignore the fact that my heart still sat at my feet. Joe hadn’t said anything to me about coming in today, he hadn’t asked me if I wanted to come in and watch them rehearse, catch up with my friends. “Yeah, sure! I’ll see you guys soon, just text me the address of where you guys are rehearsing today.” As I was about to say goodbye, his voice piped up once more. “How have you been lately, angel? I haven’t heard from you much. And I would ask Joe, but you’re the person I’m asking about, so I’d pick it as common sense to call you and ask.” Him asking how I’ve been is one thing, but to know he was genuinely concerned about me that he hadn’t gone to Joe to ask about my wellbeing is another. Gwilym was probably one of the guys I was closest to, minus Joe. After Joe had introduced me to the guys, Gwilym never failed on checking up on me, resulting on me getting closer and closer to him. “Yeah, I’m fine, Gwil.” Sounding a little bit deflated, I knew he would’ve picked up on it, so I tried to cover up. “Just a bit tired lately, you know? Work and all.” A dry laugh came out from my mouth. “You don’t have to worry about me.” He stayed silent for a moment. I knew that he figured out that I wasn’t telling the truth. Nonetheless, he replied. “Alright, but I will always worry. You’re my friend, of course.” He spoke, gentle and slow, as to let me know he was genuine and true. That sent a pang straight to my heart. I felt my eyes well with tears. Wow, I’m emotional. “Thank you, Gwil, but I’ll be okay.” Pausing for just a moment, i resumed talking. “Well, alright. I’m going to go and get ready then. I’ll see you soon, yeah?” He responds with a small yes, and then a goodbye. After we had hung up, I rolled my head backwards, taking in a long breath, and then breathing out, feeling like some of the weight had gone. If only it were that easy. Not bothering to hop into the shower, having had one late last night, I just walked into the room and got myself ready. Throwing on a T-Shirt, sweater and some well fitted jeans, I tugged on my boots and left the house. After I lock the car, I walk through the car park. When I see Ben and Gwilym laughing and bickering, I let out a small laugh at their silliness, wondering if they do the same with Joe. My smile falters as my thoughts bring Joe into play, I shake my head - I don’t need to be thinking of him right now, I’ve got my friends to see. “Hey Y/N!” Gwil yells from where they’re standing. I smile widely as I lift my arm up to wave at them, walking towards where they stood. “Hey guys!” I giggle with excitement as I see they’re trying to fight for the first hug. I hug Gwil first, Ben shrugs and decides to join in, pulling us all together, closer. I let out another laugh as they both let go of me. “How have you guys been?” I ask, pulling a strand of hair behind my ear, listening intently. “Yeah! We’ve been great!” Ben says, enthusiastically. It was nice to be with them, they were so calm, fun and laid back, all things that Joe hasn’t been lately, and it makes me sad. I want Joe to be as happy as them, especially when they’re at home. “Oh god, you guys really do look like young Rog and Bri,” I play with a strand of Gwil’s fake bouncy hair. “Holy shit, it feels so real too!” “C’mon, hun, come on in!” Gwilym extends his hand in front of him, in the gesture of ‘come along’. I smile and begin to walk in, Ben on my right and Gwil on my left. Heading off into the set of the recording studio, Ben and Gwil disappearing somewhere into the crowd of makeup artists, I assumed, I looked around the room, observing it. It looked like the inside of a shack, but behind the glass was where they, Queen, would’ve recorded their songs. Or, actually, a replica of where they would have recorded their songs. “When did you get here?” Hearing a familiar voice behind me, my heart began to race. Turning around to see Joe, my heart raced faster. He had his wig, makeup and outfit on, all prepared for his scenes. He really looks like the younger version of John Deacon! Behind his eyes were some sort of happiness, but I could tell that when he saw me, he was nervous. Nervous about what, I wouldn’t know, my best guess is getting his lines right. Smiling at him, I walked towards him to give him a small hug, saying a gentle hello. Pulling back from him, I smiled at him. He gave me a small smile back, and leaned forward to kiss my cheek. Feeling my cheeks become slightly hot, I looked down towards the ground, bashfully. Taking a small step backwards, away from him, I took a glance around the room again. “Is this where they would record their songs?” Referring to Queen, I looked back at Joe shortly after glancing around the room once more. He nodded his head lightheartedly. “Well, it's a recreation of what would have been their recording studio.” He smiles as he looks around. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” As he’s looking around, I take the time to observe the man that I adore. His eyes were looking right into mine, his beautiful, hazel eyes. His adorable puppy-dog eyes. They haven't changed since I had met him. His defined jaw wasn’t sporting his usual beard, he was shaven clean for the movie. Honestly, I love him when he does or doesn’t have his facial hair. I mean, he is gorgeous no matter what. His beard makes it all the more fun to kiss him, having the fun, ticklish feeling left to linger. As I start to look around, I feel a pair of eyes on me. Looking back at Joe, his eyes met mine once more. As the blood rushes to my cheeks, causing a tint of pink to spread across my cheeks, leaving them rosy, I can’t tell what he’s feeling anymore. Whether he is feeling too much, or nothing at all. “Can you wait here for just a second?” He asks, reaching out to hold my hand. My heart started to beat faster as I nodded my head, reaching my arm out for his hand to grab mine. He rubbed his thumb on the top of my hand, and then let go. I didn’t want him to let go of my hand, his hands felt so soft and warm, I felt safe just holding them. When his hand slipped out of mine, I felt like whimpering. I felt like I was losing something, but he gave me a reassuring smile, and then left the room. As the door closed, I felt cold. I moved myself backwards to sit on the couch in the back of the room. Ten minutes had passed and Joe still hadn’t come back, so I decided I would get up and walk around the room, observe more closely. As I had stood up to take a closer look at things, Gwilym had walked in. I wouldn’t say he looked panicked, but definitely flushed. “Gwil, is everything okay?” I ask with a small chuckle coming from my mouth. He doesn’t say a word. He just grabs my wrist, wearing a smile from ear to ear, and then leads us out of the room. “Gwil, where are we going? I’m supposed to wait for Joe-” All that is going through my body right now is the feeling of utter confusion. When Gwil looks over his shoulder with a small smirk, I am even more confused. He shuffles us past small groups of people, other parts of the set, I couldn’t even tell where we were going anymore. When he opened a door and pushed us through, we found ourselves at a fountain. A beautiful fountain. My eyes widened, looking around the beautiful place. “This place… It’s gorgeous!” Spinning to get a 360 view of the room, I turned around to look at Gwilym, but it turns out that in the midst of walking in here and now, he walked out. Standing on the small set, surrounded by four walls, I found myself in awe with everything. The floor was artificial grass, yet soft and felt so real, dusted with small pink, yellow, and purple flowers. All of my favourite colours. There was a small tree in corner, setting shading upon the fountain that was spurting water. The water that rests in the fountain was adorned with lily pads that had flowers carefully placed on the top of them. I couldn’t help but admire everything that I was surrounded in. I felt like a princess in a fantasy world, this doesn’t seem real. “Hi, Sweetie.” Hearing Joe’s soft voice behind me, I saw that he looked completely different than when I had last saw him. He wasn’t John Deacon anymore, he was Joseph Mazzello, the man I had fallen madly in love with the day I had met him. “Joe.” I said, but it came out more as a question than anything. I knew it was him, but I didn’t know why he wasn’t in his wig anymore. “What’s going on? I thought rehearsal didn’t finish until late?” Cocking my head to the side, I took a closer look at him. Was he wearing a tuxedo? He walked towards me with me smile on his face, a tinge of pink dusting his cheekbones. “Y/N, I have debated on when I wanted to do this,” He began, making my heart race faster and faster. Having that smile on his face washed away all my worries of him ending this relationship. “But seeing you stand there in front of me, your cheeks pink, eyes filled with nothing but love, I knew my decision had been made right then and there.” His smile had only gotten wider, and I felt that I could hear his heart beating out of his chest. “But before I do go on, there is one thing I want to get out of the way first.” He’s all I can see. Nothing else in this room is in my view. The faux grass, the tree, the fountain or the lily pads, nothing. Just Joe. Just Joe in his navy blue suit, bowtie and well shined shoes. “I know that recently, I haven’t been myself. I didn’t notice, but when I told the boys, they helped me see things really clearly. And I am so sorry if I had made you feel unloved, or scared that you would lose me. I am so sorry.” He sniffled gently, keeping the water that was welling his eyes at bay. Dabbing his clothed wrist onto his eyes, ridding himself of the water, he continued on with his speech. “You are my everything. You’re honestly all I see. I don’t want to be anywhere without you, or without the memory of you. I want to go everywhere and be there with you, or if you can’t be there, remember us going there together. I don’t want to be without you.” The water reappeared at the brim of his eyes, just as they appeared in mine too. My heart continued to beat loudly. He took one more step closer, one stray tear strolling down his cheek. I instinctively lifted my arm, pressing my thumb against his cheek to wipe away the tear. He chucked and grabbed my arm, sliding it down to slip his hand into mine, moving his other arm forward to grab my other hand, holding them both.

“You are the person I cherish the most. I love our time together.” He smiled, sniffling once more, swinging our arms side to side. “Do you remember our first year anniversary?” He chuckles. Remembering back to the day, I laughed with him. That day at the beach, I had been frightened by the birds down there, running away from them, all while trying to desperately keep my hat on in the rough wind. Joe stood a fair bit away, laughing at the scene while trying to shoo the birds away. Nodding my head, he continued with what he was saying. “That day, I won’t ever forget it. Not just because you were afraid of the birds,” He laughed gently, but then tightened his grip in my hands. “But because that day, the sun hit you in a way I have never seen. You looked like an angel. A real life angel, send down here to bless not just me, but every person that you come in contact with in every way possible.” His voice was soft, fragile, like he was trying not to break glass. “I would say you have never looked more beautiful, but you get more and more beautiful every day. I can never get enough of you, I really can’t. You take my breath away with every passing moment.” As he finished his sentence, I looked at him with so much love in my eyes. I squeezed his hands harder just as he was slipping them out from my grasp. He took a small step back, and then got down on one knee. “Joe?” I asked, my heart beating a million miles an hour, my heart just about to come out of my chest. My hands had flung up to my mouth instinctively, not knowing what else to do with them. “Baby, I honestly cannot see my future without you in it, and I don’t want to hold this off any longer.” He takes a small black velvet box out of his back pocket and holds it in his hand. “You mean so much to me, and I would feel like the luckiest guy on the face of this earth if you would be my wife, Y/N.” He opens the box to reveal a simple, yet elegant silver ring. Nodding my head vigorously, he shot up, wrapping his arms around me. “I love you so much, Joe. Of course, of course I’ll marry you.” Saying, trying to sound like I’m not about to cry, I hug him tightly in my arms. Hearing repeated bang’s go off behind Joe, I look to see that Gwil, Ben, Rami and Lucy had all been standing there with party poppers in their hands. “Congratulations you guys!” Lucy loudly says, over all of the boys popping their poppers after she did hers. Lucy raced forward to throw her arms around the both of us, the boys following suit. Congratulations and I’m so happy for you guys were thrown around, but in all honesty, my eyes were only set on Joe, who had never looked happier. He was smiling from ear to ear and his eyes were glistening, like there were stars in his eyes. Moving my hand from Joe’s back, where I was hugging him, I placed my hand on his cheek. He turned his head to look at me, his eyes filling with fondness and love. As we got closer, our lips pressing against one another, cheers had filled the room once again. Not having a single care in the world, my hand had slipped from his cheek to the back of his neck, my fingers running through his hair in the process. His hand had found its place on my back, pushing me closer to him. Hearing mumbling and then a door closing, I had only assumed that the group had made their way outside, giving us our privacy. Our lips didn’t pull away for another minute after that. When we needed air, only then we decided to pull away, our foreheads pressed together. “I love you so much, Y/N.” His eyes, his shining, emerald green eyes had opened to look directly into mine, his hand from my back finding its way to rest on my cheek, his thumb rubbing away any tears that had strayed from my eyes. “I love you so much too, Joe. Enough that I would marry your goofy ass.” Chuckling silently, I leaned forward to peck his lips once more, pulling away, resting my arms on his shoulders to keep steady. His lips twitched into a smirk, his hands landing on my hips. “Oh, sweetie, you haven’t seen anything yet.” Making the both of us laugh, he pressed his lips against mine with more passion than before, our bodies in much closer proximity than before. My hands finding their way in his hair once more. One of his hands had found their way up my shirt, gripping my torso, like he was embedding my body in his mind. My whole body was pressed right up against his. I started to breathe more heavily than before, my body starting to increase in temperature. Joe had moved his hands from my body, trailing one hand up to cup my cheek. He began to pull away, but I didn’t want him to go, so I pushed myself forward. Feeling him smile against my lips and feeling him laugh, he stopped me from pushing my lips against his, and pulled away. Pouting as he looked me in the eyes, he just rubbed his thumb against my cheek. A smirk spread itself across his face just as he had leaned in to whisper to me. “Don’t worry baby.” His breath fanned against my neck, making goosebumps travel down my whole body. “You can get more when we get home. So much more.” Although I’m very impatient to get home, if this is what the future looks like, I can’t wait.

#joe mazzello #joe mazzello imagine #joe mazzello x reader #joseph mazzello #joseph francis mazzello iii #joe mazzello fluff #ben hardy #gwilym lee #rami malek #lucy boynton #lucy the babe herself boynton #borhap cast #bohemian rhapsody #joe mazzello one shot #bohemian rhapsody cast #joe mazello x reader #joe mazello #joe mazello imagine

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sweetnestor · 6 years

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On Days Like This | Chapter 5

teamiplier + oc, romantic/angst/platonic

PREVIOUS FICS (if you’re new here then I suggest reading these first)

previous chapter

Whaddup, I’m Bella, I’m 25, and I fucking cry for a living. No seriously, the second I left the stage to let Mark do his solo cover, I fucking lost it. I made sure I was completely away from the wings and then I crouched down and cried. Hard.

Almost as soon as I was down, someone with baby pink hair came and picked me back up.

“You did great,” she said in a gentle, soothing voice. “Come on, let’s go backstage okay?”

I was unbelievably and ridiculously incoherent as she walked me to the green room. I just couldn’t stop the tears, I knew I was being irrational. Was I going to sob after every performance? Was this tour going to consist of my mental breakdowns? Or was it just hormones coming down from my dead bun in the oven?

Finally, I was sat on the couch, and a familiar set of arms went around me. Without even thinking, I leaned into his shoulder and cried some more. I heard whispers of “is she okay?” and other things, but I’d be embarrassed about it later. I couldn’t really do anything except cry.

“Aw, babe,” Ethan soothed as he rubbed my back. “You did really good. I’m real proud.”

It was amazing, yes. The nerves got to me, but it happened after I did the thing. I did the thing. It doesn’t matter how I did it, as Helena told me, it’s the fact that I did it. Yes, I kept my eyes closed. Yes, my hands were visibly shaking. Yes, I was now a hysterical mess. But I did the thing.

Once I composed myself, I sat up and wiped under my eyes. Mascara stained my fingers, and probably my face too. I didn’t make any eye contact with anyone, I just kept my eyes on the floor. I knew who was in the room judging by the voices; Dan, Tyler, Bob, and Wade. Ethan and Amy were on either side of me.

“You know,” Amy said as she stroked my hair, “Mark cried the first time he performed too.”

“Really?” he sniffed.

“You did amazing,” Ethan reassured. “And it’s obviously different than what you’re used too. You’re okay.”

I nodded, wiping away more tears. Now that I was calming down, I was starting to realize how unreasonable my crying was. Jesus Christ, why was I such a drama queen?

Not long after I composed myself, Mark emerged from the stage, guitar in hand. We made eye contact and shared smiles of disbelief. We both felt the exhilaration.

“Did you cry?” he asked knowingly.

I shrugged. “Just a little bit.”

“Did you like it, though? Singing on stage?”

“Hell yes.”

“Really?” Ethan asked me, sounding shocked. “After the crying? And the nervous shits?”

Here we go again.

“But I still did it,” I told him. “And I wanna do it again.”

He was quiet, which didn’t sit well with me. Did he not want to sing? Was I fragile in his eyes? Incapable? I would have spoken to him about it, but privacy was hard to get in a place like this. I had to let it go for now.

@bellasanti: I was so goddamn nervous that I looked really sad haha! Donut worry I had the best fucking time singing for yall ❤

I was surprised by the positive feedback online. My followers were extremely understanding, which took a lot off the nerves. It was quite different from my surrounding environment. Wade, Dan, and even Mark had asked if things were okay with me and Ethan, and that was just by the way I sang onstage. I mean, things were… weird with me and my boyfriend, but I didn’t let it affect my singing.

Following the Rosemont show, things were quiet between us. When I was asked about the singing thing and the hospital by one of the crew members on the bus, I made a snide comment about how I was perfectly capable of handling myself. Ethan moved seats upon hearing that. However, we reassured those concerned that everything was fine. No one needed to get up in our silly relationship issues. Besides, it had only been just that day. One whole day of silence.

Sure, I was exhausted after spending the whole damn day around people. That was expected of me. Yes, I shut myself away in my bunk once I had the chance. I’m Bella Santiago, it’s what I do! So tell me why I got a text from Ethan, who was sitting with everyone else at the front of the bus.

“Come join us! :(“

“I’m tired,” I replied, rolling over in the tiny space. I plugged in my headphones to block out the external noise.

“How tired? It’s not that late, and the bus isn’t even moving yet,” he sent back.

I left him on read and decided to scroll through Twitter instead. I liked some tweets, some pictures from the acoustic set. I responded to some people. It almost got my mind off things until I got another text.

“You’re ignoring me…”

I scoffed. “My fragile little body needs rest,” I typed, but then I deleted it. Instead, I sent, “I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.”

Then, I made sure to keep my online presence as invisible as possible until I was actually ready to sleep.

I thought that would be the end of the mini text battle, but alas. Like I said, privacy was impossible to find. The next morning, I woke up to another spiteful text.

“So… you never slept with anyone else, right? The baby was actually mine?”

It was difficult to keep in my annoyed groan. Everything was just really fucking annoying at this hour. That was how today was going to be, I suppose. Maybe it was the fact that I was now in another timezone, which fucked with my sleep, and now I had no concept of time. Nothing mattered, not even the fact that my fucking boyfriend was accusing me of being unfaithful.

“Lol we were together for every single day in july,” I sleepily but angrily typed back. “Except for you know that one day you ignored me and all your friends and went completely off the radar. Where were you that day?”

I’m not one for pulling receipts unless it was absolutely necessary. Like I would forget Ethan’s suspicious behavior from a few months ago. And he was the one pointing fingers? No mames.

After sending that message, I felt the massive bus lurch to a stop. Then, I heard the mattress above mine shift, followed by some angry footsteps. Rise and shine, chulo.

_____

#crankgameplays x oc #ethan nestor x reader #teamiplier x oc #sweetheart writes #odlt fic #a shorty but a goodie #for me anyway #its fun i like giving my characters a lot of problems #this is fun were having fun #also peep my tag for ethan making an appearance

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mullingarssweetheart · 7 years

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Steve Harrington Analysis

Or, in other words, all the little under-appreciated and overlooked things that Steve did that prove he’s already a better person than the “rich, popular, playboy” stereotype makes him out to be even before his redemption arc (plus those aspects, too).

Note: This in no way is meant to drag down any other characters (except for Tommy and Carol they can choke but I’m pretty sure we’re all in agreement on that). I love Jonathan so so much and if anything said about him in here sounds offensive, it was not my intention. He, like Steve, is still growing and maturing so they’re both bound to make mistakes along the way (which they both have). This analysis is just to simply highlight some of Steve’s moments that show he isn’t just a one-dimensional character since some people in this fandom dislike him and only focus on his negatives. Ok, anyway, here we go...

1x01 - In the bathroom after Nancy says no to Steve’s idea of coming over to her house to make out study later, he stops her and frantically, and almost nervously, suggests doing something else instead, such as just simply hanging out in his car. This moment stood out to me when I first watched this scene because it’s the first time we kind of notice that he is genuinely interested in her, more so than just sex or to “get another notch on his belt” as Nancy put it. The tone in his voice to me sounds like he’s apprehensive because he wants her to say yes, not primarily for sex, but just so he can see her again. His crush on her is growing which is why he offers to help her study, regardless if his intentions were just sexual at first. Also, when Nancy shoots his suggestion down again and starts to leave the bathroom, he doesn’t stop her or say something mean just because she said no to him like some guys would. He’s obviously disappointed but he just kinda accepts it and doesn’t push her again.

- In Nancy’s bedroom when Steve first tapped on her window. Let’s take a minute to talk about Steve’s fucking adorable ass face when she opens the window and he’s smiling up at her. Oh God that boy looks so happy and proud of himself for climbing up to her window he’s so cute. Anyway, when Nancy reminds him that she said no on the phone, he says he figured they’d just study at her place and amidst tripping climbing through the window says, “I can’t have you failing this test”. Again, he could’ve just been wanting to fool around, but I think there’s still that hint of sincerity in his voice about caring enough to actually help her.

- Steve actually following through and helping her study like a good boyfriend.

- When Nancy pushes him off when they’re laying down on the bed making out and asks if he was just using her to get another notch on his belt, he says “No, Nancy, no.” He sounds incredibly insistent that that’s not the case at all and determined to make her understand because he knows she’s different than Laurie or Amy or Becky and I think that’s one of the reasons why he likes her in the first place.

- “You’re an idiot, Steve Harrington”. “You are beautiful, Nancy Wheeler.” First of all, ICONIC. Second, he says it so seriously I love it so much. He’s not saying it in hopes of changing her mind, he’s just saying it because it’s true. It almost seems like he blurts it out because he didn’t know what else to say but also just felt like he had to tell her or he would explode. Third, the way Nancy looks at him sent me to my grave kiddos. She looked so happy and bashful like she can’t believe this gorgeous, popular boy likes her of all people, but guess what Nance, HE DOES! SO! MUCH!

-Nancy continues to make heart eyes at him and he sits back up and resumes quizzing her. He didn’t continue trying to press her or didn’t leave when he didn’t get what he wanted. Nancy continues to smile at him and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t actually paying attention to what his questions were, she was reminiscing on those moments and probably had major butterflies. (((Fun fact: this was when I started shipping them bc I was so happy that he just kept on quizzing her and didn’t get mad or keep pressuring her or anything like we all expected him to. I literally went, “Aw, that was cute. I ship it”)

1x02 - In the hallway at school when Steve is talking about having a party at his house that night, Tommy and Carol are teasing and mocking Nancy for not understanding and being confused at first. When Tommy mocks her by repeating “It’s Tuesday” in an irritating voice, Steve hits him on the chest and looks annoyed as if he wants to say “knock it off” before trying to reassure Nancy that it’ll be lowkey and not overwhelming and ease her into the idea.

- When Steve invites Nancy to the party at his place, he looks to Barb as well when asking if they’re in. It’s small but it’s nice that he doesn’t completely ignore her since she’s not a popular girl and knows she’s Nancy’s friend.

- When the gang are watching Jonathan put up posters for Will, Tommy comments “How much you wanna bet he killed him?” Steve again hits him and says “Shut up,” and looks disgusted that he’d even say that since it was extremely inappropriate to say in the situation. Steve calls him out on it instead of agreeing with him or just letting him say it and looks like he’s thinking “You’re stupid. Don’t be an asshole, man”.

- When Barb cuts her hand at the party and asks Steve where the bathroom is, he immediately jumps up and gives her directions. He watches after her into the house to make sure she’s alright and finds it ok which shows he actually does care about other people, just like Nancy (and unlike Carol and Tommy who just think Barb’s injury is cool rather than actually being concerned for her), he just doesn’t show it and covers it up all the time to maintain his reputation.

- After the pool, Steve rubs Nancy’s arm and asks if she’s alright and saying he’ll get her some dry clothes. Again, CARING!!!

- When Steve hands her the pair of clothes he just stands there smiling and looking at her like he’s not sure what to do. When Nancy asks him for some privacy he shakes out of his moment and is like “Oh, yeah, right, sorry.” It’s awkward yet adorable and he doesn’t pressure her into letting him stay or saying anything fuckboy-ish like “you’re not gonna let me watch? ;)”

- When Nancy takes off her shirt, Steve genuinely looks surprised and shocked. I don’t think he had a plan to get laid that night or expected them to do anything more than makeout if she wasn’t ready, so he’s sincerely surprised when it happens, and clearly in awe when he just stares at her and says “damn”.

1x03 - During their first time, Steve asks “Hey, what’s the matter?” when Nancy pauses and looks distracted like she has this weird feeling that something isn’t right (BARB!!!) He senses her distress and stops to make sure she’s ok instead of just ignoring it and continuing only for HIS pleasure like some guys unfortunately would.

- “You’re so beautiful.”

- HAND!!! HOLDING!!!

- Steve doesn’t ditch her right after like we all assumed he would. At her locker, he notices her uneasy manner and asks if she’s ok. He assures her he didn’t tell anyone when she says she’s worried about it and he puts her at ease by telling her she isn’t being annoying or unreasonable with her paranoia and he instead finds it cute. He further reassures her he had a good time and the rest of that scene is just unbelievably adorable like Nancy’s face watching Steve leave after he chuckles and points to the butterflies on her locker PLS KILL ME

- During lunch when Nancy asks Tommy if he saw Barb leave the house and he says he has no idea who she’s talking about, Steve steps up and says “Come on, don’t be an ass, man. Did you see her leave last night or not?” When Carol and Tommy start mocking them with sex moans, Steve and Nancy both look so done I laugh every time lmao but Steve ultimately tries to comfort her and says that he’s sure she’s fine and is probably just skipping (not knowing that Barb isn’t the type of person to skip class).

- When Nancy, Steve, Tommy, and Carol are in the hallway waiting for the game to start, Steve is sitting against the lockers while Nancy stands and leans against them. Steve puts his hand on Nancy’s thigh in a kind of loving, leisurely touch like DID YALL FUCKIN SEE THAT BC I DIDNT THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS CUTE! AS! HECK!

- Also I feel like that gesture was a way to kind of silently say “sorry about my shitty, annoying friends, they’re all I’ve got” but idk I just love it so much

- When Nancy begins to walk away to try and look for Barb bc she’s too distracted by her disappearance and makes an excuse about how her mom needs her, Steve practically trips over himself to get up and ask what she means. Idk it was cute like he clearly didn’t want her to leave. And when he watches her walking away I can just picture himself wracking his brain trying to think of everything he’s done that could possibly lead to her up and leaving like that when really it barely had anything to do with him at all.

1x05 - Steve goes over to Nancy’s house and apologizes for acting like a dick and worrying about what his parents would think more than Barb’s disappearance. He knows how he behaved was wrong and apologizes for it. That’s one of the things I love about Steve’s character. I believe people do bad things but it’s how they handle the aftermath of it that determines whether they’re good or not. If you can’t realize that you made a mistake then you’re an asshole and don’t have your morals sorted. But admitting you chose wrong and even apologizing for it and making things right, which Steve did, shows more about your character and how good and in the right place your heart is. With all the bad things Steve did, he realized they were wrong and apologized and made up for all of them. That’s what truly matters to me.

-Steve says it doesn’t matter that he got in trouble with his parents and gets down to the important business: Barb. He asks if there’s any news on her which shows he realizes he was wrong to not be as initially concerned about her whereabouts. Despite the uncomfortable fact that there’s a missing person in general, it happens to be his girlfriend’s best friend. He knows Nancy cares deeply about Barb and if Nancy cares, Steve cares.

- Along with his apology, Steve suggests going to see a movie with Nancy to take her mind off Barb and everything for a while. He knows how worried and stressed she’s been lately and wants to try and cheer her up a bit and distract her for a while so she can have a break. It’s a sweet and thoughtful gesture and he understands and doesn’t get mad when she says no. He leaves on a light note to show it’s not too big a deal and he’s not too upset knowing she needs to focus on her family and Barb right now.

1x06 - Steve is in the car with Tommy and Carol on the way to Nancy’s house. Steve insists there’s something wrong and that her acting weird isn’t because she doesn’t want to talk to him. He can’t let it go to the point where he drags his shitty ass friends all the way out to her house just to check on her. Don’t tell me this boy doesn’t care about her.

- When Carol says, “So what? You’re worried about her?” Steve hesitantly says “what?” acting like he didn’t hear her but she isn’t fooled. Steve doesn’t want them to know he actually does care I think bc he’s scared of being vulnerable and putting yourself out there and admitting your feelings for someone can be scary, even if it’s to your friends. Carol and Tommy then begin to mock Steve and being like “Stevie’s in looOoOove” to which Steve shouts back “Shut up!” Remember in middle school when your friends would be like “ooOOoOoo you like them, don’t you? ;)))” and you’d get all defensive and be like “omg stop I do nooot” even though you did? This is the high school version. With this whole scene though, it also makes me think that Steve has never been in love before and maybe never even had a serious girlfriend and just kinda hooked up with the other girls based on the way Tommy and Carol are giving him such a hard time about it and saying things like “Steve has a heart, who knew?” Steve’s outburst also could be foreshadowing into Steve realizing how annoying and horrible his friends are and he’s beginning to realize it during the car ride like fucking finally boy what took you so long ugh ok anyway NEXT.

- This isn’t really a point but Steve’s face at the window watching Nancy and Jonathan :((( he looks so sad I just wanna tell him “baby it’s not what it looks like I swear”.

- Also, I’m about 99% if Tommy and Carol hadn’t come with, the movie theatre incident wouldn’t have happened because they were the ones who did it. I’m not excusing Steve’s actions in any way because he certainly didn’t stop them and watched it happen, but I think it’s worth noting that he didn’t do it himself and he probably didn’t come up with the idea given Tommy and Carol’s personalities. Even though he didn’t do it directly, he was still overcome with anger, hurt, and betrayal to really care and those emotions were blocking his morality. He soon realized his mistake and began to make up for it, but more on that later.

1x07 - When Steve dumps his asshole friends, AKA the beginning of his development. I love everything about this scene. “Carol, for once in your life shut your damn mouth”. Honestly, ICONIC. “You’re both assholes, that’s my problem.” ANOTHER ONE. BOOM. Steve tells Tommy he shouldn’t have done that which is another indication that it wasn’t his idea to do the spray paint. “I should’ve put that spray paint right down your throat”. YES STEVE! TAKIN OUT THE TRASH! He’s on a roll honestly. “Neither of you ever cared about her. You never even liked her. Because she’s not miserable like you two. She actually cares about other people.” YOU TELL EM BABE! Claps for my boy for choosing to walk away instead of getting into another fight and causing more trouble though. That, plus choosing to stand up for what’s right and letting go of friends you’ve had for years is really tough to do and takes lots of courage. It adds to Steve’s strength and development as a person and shows his ability to change and be better and the writers decision to have him go in that direction.

- Steve goes back to the movie theatre and helps clean up the graffiti. It’s his next step in making amends and erasing any physical evidence of any wrongdoings is a good place to start.

1x08 - The most iconic episode, let’s be real. Steve goes to Jonathan’s house to apologize for the things he said and for getting into a fight with him. Keep in mind, Steve doesn’t know for sure whether or not Nancy was truly cheating on him with Jonathan when he decides to do this. Yes, she told him it wasn’t what it looked like, but for all Steve knows she could’ve just been lying to save/defend herself like most people do when caught in a bad situation. Her not being able to explain what really happened didn’t help at all either and only further confirmed Steve’s suspicions. Anyway, Steve goes to Jonathan’s house first BEFORE going to Nancy’s. I think this is partly because apologizing to Nancy and earning back her trust is going to take much more work and time than Jonathan, but the fact that he’s apologizing to him at all says a lot. It’s obvious why Steve would want to apologize to Nancy because he cares about her and has become emotionally attached to her, but the only connection he really has with Jonathan are pretty much all negative. A big part of redeeming yourself is apologizing to everyone, not just the people you care about. He’s taking responsibility for his actions and asking for forgiveness, something that old Steve wouldn’t really care about or try to do.

- When Nancy answers the door, he’s shocked but he doesn’t make things worse by being all “what the hell are you doing here??” because right now his main focus is just apologizing to Jonathan.

-When Nancy tells him to leave he ignores it bc he just needs to get this out and frantically says he isn’t trying to start anything and says he messed up. You can tell this is a new thing for him by the way he stutters and rushes through his sentences and stumbles over his words in order to get his point across that he just wants to make things right. It puts him in a vulnerable position which can feel scary and uncomfortable and it’s hard for most people to admit they were wrong, so it’s no surprise he struggles a bit, but it also shows a more human and multi-dimensional side to him.

-Amidst his rambling, Steve notices Nancy’s bandaged hand and stops MID SENTENCE to say in the softest voice ever “Hey, what happened to your hand?” Oh God I love the way he says it so much. He’s so concerned and just stops everything when he notices she’s bleeding. In a millisecond, his apology is shoved to the back of his mind and Nancy’s wellbeing is front and center. Idk I just love how quickly he changes his priorities in the context that they’re in. When Nancy snatches her hand back and says it’s nothing (because she can’t explain why she has it or why she’s the one who did it) he says “Wait a sec, did he do this to you?!?” His first instinct is that Jonathan hurt her. It’s a logical explanation since we have to remember Steve has been kept in the dark through all of this monster stuff and he has no idea what’s going on so it makes sense he would assume Jonathan did it since she is at his house after all. Steve barges into the house and won’t rest until he finds out how and why Nancy got hurt AND BOY IS HE IN FOR THE SHOCK OF HIS LIFE LMAO

Side note: Can we just talk about how fucking hilarious Steve is throughout this whole scene from here on out? I was literally laughing so hard the entire time this boy cracks me up. Honestly I relate like I’d probably be reacting the same way tbh (if I had the guts to actually stay, that is bc god knows I wouldn’t lmao). His “OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYOGHJHGDJ” when jumping over the trap in the hallway gives me life I swear and his “JESUS JESUS WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT” IM CRYING. I just love how Nancy and Jonathan are all serious and focused and then there’s Steve freaking the fuck out, beyond confused, and shouting like a maniac God bless this boy and his comic relief.

- After round 1 with the monster, Nancy tells Steve he needs to leave because it’s going to come back. She’s doing it for his safety (like before when she says ”I’m doing this for you”). Steve all but trips out the door and fumbles for his keys and gets all the way to his car before he stops and notices that the lights are flickering symboling that the monster is back.

Now. Kids. Just let this sink in. THIS BOY. STEVEN HARRINGTON. This boy right here just witnessed a fucking alien monster COME OUT OF THE DAMN WALL??? AND GOT CHASED AROUND THE HOUSE WITH IT??? AND HE GOES BACK IN THERE! TO FIGHT IT! FOR NANCY!!! WHAT THE HECK!!! Do you know how much you have to like someone in order to do that?!? That’s beyond like. THAT’S LOVE, BITCH! Y’all I have really good friends whom I love dearly and I still don’t think they’d be enough for me to do that for them (my best friend who I love with all my heart is still a maybe). It’s more than just Steve being brave and courageous here, it’s about how much the person(s) inside mean to him. And clearly, Nancy means a whoooole lot. You’re supposed to run away from dangerous situations like that when you’re going up against things that have a 99% chance of killing you, BUT NOT STEVE. NUH UH. HIS GIRL’S IN THERE, HE AIN’T LEAVIN. Steve had an easy way out, he was TOLD to leave, no one would’ve been mad that he actually left because he was threatened twice about it (once with a gun!), obviously not wanted there for fear of messing things up due to his lack of understanding, and was scared out of his mind... fleeing is a totally acceptable response. BUT HE DIDN’T! He risked his life to fight that thing without knowing a single thing about it or what it was or why it was there or what was actually happening. If that doesn’t scream caring and loving, I don’t know what does.

-Steve’s bat twirl needs it’s own bullet point bc FUCKING ICONIC! DAMN THAT WAS SO HOT AND SMOOTH I SCREAMED WHEN IT HAPPENED I WAS LIKE “OOO YES BOY GET IT” LMAO ok anyway

- In the end, Nancy chose to forgive Steve and they get back together. I think this is a smart choice, not just because I ship them but because most character tropes like Steve’s don’t get redemption arcs and the fact that Nancy is giving him a second chance shows how much she really does like him and isn’t just “faking” or pretending to be someone she’s not like Jonathan suggested. I wish we would’ve got to see them from the time between the fight and Christmas where s1 leaves off just to show how they truly are without Steve being influenced by his asshole friends and Nancy constantly worrying and being distracted by Barb and Will and everything going on. And also Steve’s hopeful friendship with Jonathan which leads me to my last point...

- Nancy and Steve buy Jonathan a new camera for Christmas. I know some people say Nancy bought it herself and Steve just knew about it when he asks her “Did you give it to him?” but I’m pretty sure Steve and her both bought it together and Nancy just happened to be the one to give it to him. Why would she buy him a new camera all by herself? She’s not the one who broke it. And Nancy herself says “it’s not really a present” meaning it’s more of a replacement for his old one which would most likely come from Steve since, again, he’s the one who broke it and owes it to him. It also further adds to his choice to make things right and make up for the mistake he made when breaking the camera. Better late than never!

- Also, NICE SWEATER, BABE. Lmao of course they’d have Steve wear an ugly Christmas sweater he’s so extra I love it. Really embracing the dad vibes that radiate from Joe lemme tell ya. But he looks so cute in it anyway so it doesn’t matter. And the final scene of them cuddled on the couch watching TV makes my heart all warm and fuzzy! It’s a simple and sweet moment but I love it so much!

In conclusion: Steve Harrington is just a dumb teenage boy who got in with the wrong crowd, has a shitty and unsupportive home life, and hasn’t matured yet. However, he isn’t a total lost cause as we can clearly see and has proven himself immensely. He’s taken brave steps into being a better person and has worked hard to break out of his negative, stereotypical reputation and I hope they continue Steve’s path to redemption in season 2 :)

This has been a PSA on the love of my life. FIN.

#steve harrington #stranger things #nancy wheeler #joe keery #character analysis #sorry this is so long #thank u so much for reading

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