#yes i spent 3 hours on this what about it

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Hear ye, hear ye! I come with a spicy request most worthy of a several year sentence in Horny jail! XD

Bottom villain x top hero, where the two are in an enemies with benefits kinda situationship, and this time seems like it’s gonna be no different (rough and kinda mean). But then, gasp, it’s revealed the villain was recently injured, and the hero gets pretty concerned. The villain insists on things continuing as normal, but the hero, not wanting to hurt their nemesis, changes things up, and does em sweet, slow, and gentle <3

“Ready?” All it took was this one word to activate the villain’s entire nervous system.

Usually, the hero didn’t lose many words over this. It was quick and rough. For the most part, that made it desirable. Sleeping with the enemy was thrilling and more or less like an adrenaline kick for the villain. It was a luxury they could afford. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have to either.

The hero was proficient and smart. They had figured out what the villain liked and what they didn’t like in the first few hookups they had spent together. If it hadn’t been for their stupid righteousness and their sense of justice that would never be just, they would’ve probably made a great partner. In bed at least.

Admittedly, the villain had thought about that a few times. Would the hero be a good lover? Someone who was willing to save everyone if they could? Someone who would put others before themselves constantly? Someone who may choose a city over a person?

After all, probably not. And even if they were, who would want the villain? Someone rotten, someone broken, someone—

“You’re distracted.”

“Oh, yes. Yeah, sorry.” The hero’s hand ran along the villain’s inner thigh and even though the stitches should have been good enough, the villain was nervous.

How on earth was anyone supposed to stitch the back of their thigh anyway?

They grabbed the hero’s muscly shoulders and tried to steady themselves.

“Alright.” The hero’s hand travelled down the villain’s thigh until they reached their knee. From there, they grabbed the hollow of the villain’s knee. “I have a meeting in an hour, so I’ll need to be quick today.”

“Yes, of course,” the villain said. They watched as the hero handled their leg and put it on their own shoulder. Cold air hit their shin but they knew in a few seconds, they wouldn’t even need the blanket anymore. The villain swallowed and prayed the hero wouldn’t notice the stitches.

Although they pressed a soft kiss to the villain’s thigh, they barely broke eye contact. Immediately, the villain felt the blood rush to their head.

Sometimes they really needed the hero.

After a few more kisses, the hero leaned forward until the villain’s thigh was pressed between their naked chests. They were close again, close enough to kiss but the villain knew their nemesis never really did that. Kissing their body? Sure. Kissing the villain? On good days, maybe.

The villain found the position familiar and yet, their wound made it nearly impossible to enjoy it.

Eventually they pulled the hero closer, waiting for them to push themselves into them.

However. The thread snapped and the villain could feel how the wound ripped open again.

They let out an involuntary sigh and held onto the villain’s back. Accidentally, they left scratch marks on their enemy’s skin.

“Wait, I haven’t even…”

“No, it’s fine, sorry. Continue. Please,” the villain choked out between clenched teeth.

“Oh…wait, holy shit.” The hero looked down and all the villain had to see was smeared blood on the hero’s hand. “Was that me!?”

“Nononono, I’m so sorry. That was yesterday.”

“I’m gonna get a towel.”

“No.” The villain grabbed them before they could go. “I look forward to this day every week. Let’s just finish this quickly, the bleeding isn’t even that bad.”

“Listen, I know you’re strong but…” The hero put their hand on the cut to stop the bleeding. It wasn’t too bad but the pain was still excruciating. “…having sex while bleeding is counterproductive.”

“We’re already naked and you don’t have much time left.”

“I can cancel my meeting.”

“Please, let’s just—”

“As stubborn as ever, I suppose.” The hero made an expression close to a warm smile and at first, the villain didn’t quite understand. However, when the hero pushed the blanket against the wound and themselves into the villain at the same time, the villain couldn’t help but moan happily.

The hero’s fingers were gentler and their movements slower than usual. As if the villain was something very delicate.

“This is stupid,” the hero whispered. “Tell me if anything’s wrong.”

But the villain could barely listen. Despite the pulsating wound in their leg, they could only concentrate on the sweet pleasure the hero was giving them. It felt better than expected.

And then the hero leaned over, pressure still on the wound, to kiss them.

The villain had never felt this desired in their entire life. Their heart was pounding in their chest when they felt the hero’s tongue in their mouth.

They didn’t demand anything, they didn’t take anything. It was simple and raw pleasure that the hero gave them. As if they’d been waiting for this.

“You’re so stupid, do you know that?” the hero whispered against the villain’s skin when they had to catch new air.

“Oh, I—” The villain couldn’t even form a sentence. Their enemy was hitting good spots constantly. Instinctively, they reached for the hero’s neck to pull them closer.

“Promise me to tell me next time, got it?” the hero asked. They planted a trail of kisses down the villain’s throat and sucked on their skin softly.

“If you treat me like this again,” the villain answered between moans. They couldn’t think anymore. It felt better than it should have.

It felt good enough to fall in love.

The villain wanted to hate them for it. For their gentleness and their sweet voice but all the villain had on their mind was their nemesis on top of them.

“Every night, if you want to,” the hero promised. They smiled against the villain’s skin.

“I love you,” the villain mumbled. They hadn’t realised it. They wouldn’t even remember it.

But the hero would remember. And it was all they could think about for the next few months.

#your mouth is moving a lot like a rat. yappa yappa yappa #writing snippet #heroxvillain prompt #heroxvillain snippet #heroes and villains #hero #villain #hero x villain #heroxvillain #an answer for an ask #request #suggestive #whump #h/c

[gxtfictx]

are you in?

summary: compilation of short blurbs of your's and Emily's relationship before the team knew. Some based on actual chapters. it's just basically how you managed to keep it a secret TW: I fucked up the show's timeline so try to forget all you know about it, "only one bed" but reverse (it may be shit lol), suggestive content, i think that's it A/N: Writing this one has been a pain in the ass because every time i edited it i'd loose the changes so there are parts that i don't actually like at all but here it is nonetheless. As always: English isn't my first language. Reviews are appreciated. Like and reblog <3

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ new blouse?

A near death experience really deserves some kind of celebration

and you suppose a near-job loss experience does too

a week had passed after Emily and Hotch had rejoined the team on that case on Milwaukee, and Emily's head injury was almost just another scar, so when Morgan had asked you if you wanted to go out for drinks, you had looked at your girlfriend and said:"yeah, wny not"

and there you were, sitting at a table right next to Penelope, waiting for your girlfriend to bring all your drinks, and overhearing a conversation she was having with Hayley and Hotch, who seemed very relieved to have the night for themselves. You were supposed to be a part of that conversation, but you couldn't bring yourself to care enough to listen.

All your focus was deposited on your girlfriend, she had her arms rested on the counter trying to get the waiter's attention, a pair of dark jeans accentuated her figure, and all you could think about was getting home and ripping that blouse off of her.

You would have to settle for just staring, for now. Emily turns around to take a look at your table and catches you starring, you blush instantly, but she just smiles and gives you a wink, which makes you smile too, and suddenly your taken out of the trance by a voice.

"y/n are you listening to me?" Penelope says trying to grab your attention

"sorry, yes, what is it?" she looks at you suspiciously, as if with just her eyes she could decipher what was going on inside your head. She can't go on because Emily comes back with all your drinks, leaving them on the table and sitting next to you , maybe just a little bit too close but you could not complain.

She simply joins the conversation like it was nothing, meanwhile you sip on your drink hopeful that the alcohol will help you take your girlfriend away from your mind. However, Emily has different plans for you, as she rests her hand on you thigh behind the table so no one can see, dangerously high, she can't be bothered at all, she just keeps talking to Hotch as if nothing was going on, but all you can think about is her.

Morgan, who had spent a good hour on the dance floor, collecting girl's phone numbers, comes around, he grabs Penelope's hand to take her to the dance floor with him.

She shoots from her sit, swinging her hips to the rhythm of the music, Morgan guides her, a huge smile on his face as he pulls her to dance with him.

To everyone’s surprise Hotch pulls Hayley to dance with him as well, and just like that, in a matter of seconds, Emily and you are left alone.

When you turn your head to look at her, she places her face closer to yours, dangerously close, you’d say, but you can’t bring yourself to separate.

“Are you having fun baby?” She asks, a soft smile on her lips “yes, but it’s getting hard not to touch you” she smiles, her face closer now you can almost feel her lips brushing against yours. Her hand, which was still on your leg, starts caressing your thigh, setting progressively higher. You’re starting to lean into the contact when you suddenly remember where you are. Anyone who looked at you right now could see the whole scene.

“Em, stop” you say, drawing her hand away from your leg and separating your face form hers “they’re gonna see”

“Ok, yeah, sorry” she says, fake regret on her face as she takes another sip of her drink

“So, I caught you staring at me before, what was it that was so interesting?” She says like it’s the most innocent question ever, but you just know she wants to bother you a bit more. You would never admit how much you love it.

You check no one is looking at you. Both Hayley and Hotch are in their own little world, and Morgan and Penelope are too focused on each other to care. So you lean into her to whisper in her ear

“I was thinking how hot my girlfriend looks and how much I want to rip that blouse off of her” she chuckles and you go for another sip

“Thank you, it’s new” she says louder, like you just asked her the most simple question about her clothes

She leans into your ear this time, with the softest, sexiest voice she just whispers, the feeling of her breath on your ear is suffocating now

“I would love to let you take it off however you want. Do you want to go?” She asks, you eagerly nod your head, begging her with your eyes to take you home right now.

“C’mon, I’ll tell them you’re not feeling well and I’m driving you home” she smiles at you and winks, you follow her to the back of the bar where JJ and Spence are, to let them know you’re leaving.

For your surprise, JJ walks up to you too.

“We have a case” she just says, and you look at each other with disappointment.

Looks like Emily’s blouse was staying on for now.

𖨆♡𖨆 3x03 scared to death

It had been a weird morning.

You woke up with a headache. After your last case you had arrived at Emily’s apartment, and parked your car outside so you could get to work on different cars the next day.

You were thinking about having a calm night. A bottle of wine, a movie, Chinese takeout, falling asleep early enough so you wouldn’t be so tired the next day, all that.

Little did you know Emily had some things in mind for you.

The first glass of wine was alright, you were barely feeling it, but after that one another 3 followed, you came up with this stupid game of drinking every time the movie had a cringe scene, and lucky for you the movie was really bad. You would sometimes forget that particular wine affected your girlfriend to a certain level, so one thing leading to another you had fallen asleep at more or less 4am.

Next day you wake up to a very loud phone call. You turn around confused by the phone ringing, but you’re not sure where exactly it’s coming from. It had flown away yesterday night along with your clothes and had landed on the bedroom floor.

Emily's arm was wrapped around your waist, your leg on top of hers, you were both just a mess of sheets and naked bodies. You get out of bed, waking your girlfriend up, who lets out an angry groan.

You finally find the phone behind Emily's pants, JJ's name appearing on the screen. "Hello?" you answer "Hey, we have a case, I can't reach Emily, and you're both late, do you know where she could be?" she asks. You check the time

8:15am

Shit

shitshitshitshitfuckfuckfuck

"yeah, I'm sorry, ugh... i don't know where Emily is, i had a problem with my....kitchen sink...but i'll be there as son as i can ok? bye JJ" you don't even wait for her to answer, you just hang up the phone and run to wake Emily up.

"Em! Baby wake up its 8am we're late!" she finally opens her eyes, her somnolent face tries to decipher what you just said. Her body starts moving first, siting upright.

"JJ just called, we have a case, you have to call her back, tell her there's traffic or something, I'll leave first ok?" you run around, trying to find something wearable. You already had your own drawer at her place for times like this.

You fly around the apartment checking you have everything with you, car keys, purse, phone... You walk up to Emily, still getting dressed, only a pair of pants on and her bra, she’s looking around for something to wear with the pants.

You grab her waist, pulling her in for a kiss “I’ll see you there ok?” You tell her. She smiles at you, then grins, still half a sleep, and you leave.

You weren’t exactly sure if it had been the wine, or the 4 hours of sleep, but you were hoping the meds you had taken with your breakfast (a coffee) would start acting quickly, because your headache was starting to get unbearable.

Sitting on the round table, you revise the file with the case, when Emily arrives, excusing for being late, but Hotch hasn’t even arrived yet and we hadn’t started, so she’s technically still on time.

As soon as you look up to catch a glimpse of her, your headache magically disappears. You regret it immediately because now she’s all you can think about.

It’s ridiculous, you spent hours last night with each other, hell, you spent all day with her! You should’ve had enough of her by now! But how could you when she was wearing that red tank top?

You stare at every movement she makes, taking her jacket off, uncovering her slightly muscular arms, you cannot physically take your eyes off of her, following her every move. Red was definitely her color, there was no argument about that. You could not focus on the case anymore.

After the usual “wheels up in 30” they all leave the room, but you grab your girlfriends arm last second, trying to keep her from leaving. “Em wait a second” You’re both left alone, looking to see if there’s anyone left in the room, everyone has left and far from you two.

"What is it?" she asks

You feel the need to whisper although there's no one in the room anymore "You look so good in this I'm genuinely considering going down on you now" you say tugging the red fabric between your fingers. She smiles widely, getting closer to your face.

You aren't sure where this renewed confidence is coming from, it's just that Emily made you feel like that sometimes.

"was yesterday not enough?" she says in a teasing voice, but you can tell she's feeling just like you. Her face mere inches from yours, you are almost begging her for some action.

"we still have 30 minutes" she twirls her head as if asking you, and you nod, unable to form any words

"ok you go first, I'll meet you down" you're already crossing the door when you turn around, check for anyone who could see you, but there's no one even close to your vicinity.

You rush back, giving Emily a peck on her lips, and separating to go run downstairs.

˚☽˚｡⋆ Can I join?

It's almost time. You can even taste it.

A free night. It's been some time since you got one of those.

You could even see it. A wine glass, your big ass bathtub, a dozen candles, some exotic scented bath products and your wonderful girlfriend.

You look across the room for her, she's working on some files still. You could say she literally feels your eyes on her, because she turns around and catches you staring at her, smiling warmly at you and winking, which makes you instantly blush.

"Any plans for the night, Prentiss?" Morgan asks her coming by her desk, you're already walking up to them so you don't miss a thing from their conversation.

"yes. I got a date" she just says like it was nothing.

A weird sensation runs through your body, a mix between jealousy and excitement. You obviously knew you were the date, but the jealousy came mostly from the fact that she could not mention it was in fact you.

"really? who's the lucky one?" Morgan asks rising his eyebrows

"hot tub" she answers like nothing, just playing it cool, but the grin on her face suggests she has been picturing your night just like you had.

"oh, that sounds like a party" he teases, but she doesn't lose a single second on it "you're so not invited"

"am i?" you come from nowhere, you are right behind Emily, who turns around, holding back a smile, she gives in the game, after all, this is the perfect way to make them not suspect a thing.

"now you, i could consider it" she answers, and you lower your head, smiling to the floor so no one sees it.

"Now that sounds like a better party" he mutters.

.•°•.•. .•.•°•.

The soft bathrobe hugs your body keeping it warm, a wine glass in your hand, resting your back against the sink, you wait as your girlfriend finishes the bath.

The whole scene is idyllic, candles lit all around, low warm light illuminating the stance, Emily's black hair falling on her shoulders, her robe barely closed, she lights the last two candles, and checks the water temperature before walking up to you

"ready?" she asks sweetly, untying the knot in your robe, she takes off hers and gets in first, giving you a hand to help you get in, yourself.

You lay back, resting your back against her, relaxing immediately into her touch. White bubbles around both your bodies. She kisses your neck from the back. Breathing out, you groan at the feeling, she caresses the skin of your ams with her fingertips, gently.

"do you think Morgan can even begin to imagine this?" you ask her, she stops her ministrations to answer you

"i really hope he doesn't, but teasing him is fun" you chuckle

"well, imagine how we'll blow out his mind when we tell him" you begin wondering. She kisses the sensitive skin on the curve of your neck, nipping at the skin, you close you eyes leaning on the contact.

"are you thinking about it?" she stops to ask

"Morgan? hell no" she chuckles

"i mean about telling Morgan" you turn around to look at her, making a bit of water overflowing the tub

"well, yeah, I mean, I think about telling all of them" she twists her head trying to understand

"not now though! Not yet... at all" you can see her relaxing instantly, a smile begining to form on her lips

"Em, this past months have been...amazing, and i want to keep that for ourselves just a little bit more... also the sneaking around is very fun" you both laugh in agreement "but?" she asks waiting for you to add something more

"but, that doesn't mean I'm not excited for our friends to know, you know? I mean, going out together and actually kissing, dancing together, to be able to say we are, well, together tonight... basically just doing it all together" her big brown eyes linger on to you, she's full smiling now, you know she feels the same, but she just wouldn't be the one to tell you.

"i love you" she mutters, you smile, holding to her shoulders for support, warm drops of water running down your arms, you kiss her gently in approval.

"well, i say let's enjoy the meantime then" her hands fly to your waist to hold you, and you kiss her deeply again.

𓇢𓆸 Care to share?

Hotch had decided to call it a day, it was too late, and you all knew how difficult it could be to function when you don't get enough sleep.

You had't had time to check in earlier at the hotel, so when you got there and saw it, you knew that wood creaked like shit.

You had expected nothing less, being in a cold state, the hotel reception had a big fireplace which kept the ambience cozy and warm, the wooden planks creaked behind your feet even behind the thick carpet.

Hotch turns to us, with the room keys in his hands "I'm sorry but this is a small village, this was the only place that still had spare rooms, and they're all packed up this week so some of us will have to share" he says.

"how many?" Morgan asks concerned "two double, three single rooms" Hotch says

"well I'm not sharing with pretty boy here" he complains

"Dave and i can share one" he says "Well, y/n and I also don't mind sharing" Emily rushes to say. You walk up to her "right?" she asks as if she needed to make sure "yeah of course, no problem" you say, smiling at her. Her quick willfulness to share with you and you eager reaction winning you a suspicious look from JJ, but you couldn't bring yourself to care, because tonight none of you would have to sneak out, waiting till it's late enough for the rest to have fallen asleep, you wouldn't have to wake up early to get back to your room, you had your place tonight.

"alright, thank you" you think it's funny, you should be the one thanking Hotch, not the other way around. You grab your key and Emily follows you upstaris.

.•°•.•. .•.•°•.

You can tell the place is old just by the keys, it's an inn more than a hotel. You turn the key in the lock, opening the door partially, when you feel Emily's hands on your waist, grabbing it, you close your eyes as soon as you feel her lips on yours, and she kisses you deeply, possessively.

You surround her body with your arms for support, leaning into the kiss, closing the door behind you with your foot. Tugging your hands on her hair, you surrender to the connection and just give in, not caring who could've caught you mere seconds ago on the hallway.

She pushes you agains the door, her hands finding the way behind your shirt, touching you everywhere, she moves to kiss the corner of your lips, your cheek, the skin behind your ear, leaving a trail of wet warm kisses, finding your pulse point you let out a needy whimper in approval.

"you think JJ knows?" you ask breathlessly "she suspects something, but she can't technically prove it" her lips brushing your neck with every word, her soft breath warm on your skin.

"Well, she should start paying more attenti-" your mouth falls open. It was the first time you had tken a good look at the room since you entered "Em, look" you say trying to stop her ministrations much to your distaste to make her look around.

Emily turns around and takes a look at the room. You should've guessed this would've happened. Hotch would never slept in the same bed as Rossi, and you shouldn't have to do that ether, right?

"Two beds?" she says, in awe. "what do you suggest?" she asks

"should we join them?" you try "we'll end up falling through the middle" she says "ok, then. You chose"

Next day you wake up completely wrapped around Emily, your nose buried in her neck, inhaling her scent, you were almost thankful for the small size of that bed.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

A/N: this one took me a long ass time to finish so i hope its not shit. Like & reblog, any feedback is greatly appreciated. Also I'm open to requests because I'm almost out of ideas

#criminal minds x reader #emily prentiss #emily prentiss imagine #emily prentiss lesbian #emily prentiss x reader #lesbian #lesbian pride #wlw #wlw fanfic #wlw smut #sapphic #criminal minds #criminal minds one #criminal minds oneshot #emily prentiss x you #emily prentiss x y/n #emily prentiss x female reader #emily prentiss fanfiction

[ride-a-dromedary]

You're not a doppelganger, are you? Trying to study me, learn all my secrets so you can take my place?

#Baldur's Gate 3 #bg3edit #bg3 spoilers #Halsin #otheredits #blood tw #what would even be the tw tag for this? implied child endangerment? (that didn't happen)? #imprisonment tw #doppelganger tw #my stuff #hey you wanna see something that makes me really sad - there you go - yes i spent several hours on this what of it #hey fanficcers - I need someone to write a halsin centric thing with the line 'I do not deserve to see the sun again' crossing his mind #whether that be from his time with the drow or after the shadow curse - please i need #orin's imitations of the companions she kidnaps are always slightly off (obviously) but the gal uses the *exact right pressure points* #where it's like...it almost feels as if we get a peek into the reality of their thoughts #is it SUPPOSED to come off that way? no clue - but that's how i read it #that bit about the shadow curse applies in my mind because as is based in implication #halsin had to leave the wounded behind while he rescued survivors - you don't think those screams echo in his head #every single night? #and halsin not thinking he deserves seeing the sun? because of all the godforsaken things *he* was the one left from that tragedy? #yeah #also what in the dragon age origins is the lighting of this scene #was gonna make another gifset but this took me four hours lol

[leezuhh]

sunshine court no context

#i'm sorry... i couldnt stop thinking of this meme while reading the beginning #lemme find the line that really set it in for me... ok it was 'have fun whoring your way to the top of another line-up you useless bitch' #the raven hate mail game was insane #anyways yea i just spent like 3 hours straight reading tsc and yes i just finished it #the sunshine court #the sunshine court spoilers #all for the game #nora sakavic #also neil continuing the time-honored tradition of murdering rapists at the end of the book was iconic. king #i need to reread the og trilogy sighhhh the second book is a lil hard for me to get thru though #but i liked this one a ton. all the characters felt very real #i liked the choice to make the trojans not all sunshine and rainbows but have to make an effort to keep up that appearance #and also oml these bitches are worried about jean ruining their reputation when they have LUCAS on the lineup ? yall have bigger problems.. #thats a joke i just think lucas is a bitch #i was also surprised by jean ending up pan vs jeremy just gay because the fandom characterization has always been the opposite #but yknow what i like it a lot #tempted to put a whole book review right in these tags but i won't #aftg // #tsc spoilers #tsc

[darehearts]

good morning bbs and happy monday  !  today's already a good day bc i made the cutest peanut butter sandwich for breakfast  😌✨

#what was special about it? nothing besides the fact that the peanut #butter is organic with no additives and the bread? i spent half an #hour at the grocery store yesterday reading nutrition facts of all the #wheat bread and picking the healthiest one🤧i am in fact back in my #2018 era. not many of my mutuals were here for tHAT but yes! #i almost wanted to pursue a personal trainer career for like a hot sec #back then. i'm rambling now. just wanted to wish you all good day <3 #tbd

[seenthisepisode]

~~~

#i am close to tears - beware there is a rant about my life in the tags ahead so watch out - it's nothing VERY serious but it's... well #also this is literally about supernatural convention so it's not like a serious problem but it is a problem for me personally #so anyway last year when they announced misha for purgatory con 8 in dusseldorf i was like yes yes yes and i bought the tickets because: #1. i had a whole year to plan a trip 2. going to spn con was this little dream of mine because i've been in this fandom for years so #so i thought hey i deserve a little treat. i want to and deserve to go to a con and they just announced misha and i'd love to go #(and then they also announced jensen. and then jared too so like all 3 main guys will be there so !! a Treat !! yay!) and also Why Not #because it's in germany so it's the closest i would ever get a convention because i am from poland [*] no conventions here sorry #so i was like yeah the stars seem to have alligned yeah AND I BOUGHT THE TICKET. and the thing is SOLD OUT. and 3 main actor men are there #and a lot of mutuals that i'd finally love to meet maybe if they feel like it or whatever but i'd love to meet tumblr people so there's tha #and now. i just spent 3 hours after work looking for flights and everything. and. the conclusion. after 3 hours of looking at every possibl #way for me to get to Dusseldorf at the days of the con. well. the conclusion is i have no way to get there. and i am stuck. #and there are flights and they are not even that expensive. but the HOURS are horrible. i checked different airports and even looked at #flights to dortmund and i literally have no way to get there in a way that makes any sense... because arriving at 4pm on saturday is #too late. and the other option is being there at 8 am - cool - but i have no way of getting to the airport at 4 am. i'd have to take #additional day off from work (not an option). and i literally don't know what to do. it's almost 1 am and i should be happily asleep and i #am trying to solve this problem lmao because on one hand i really want to go and i want to figure out a way to get there 1. on time 2. in a #way that won't cost me 1/3 of my paycheck ; and on the other hand i just want to email the organizer to return the ticket or resell it to #someone because i know there will be someone who wants to go because the event is sold out #WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS HARD...... #AS I WRITE THIS I AM FULLY AWARE THIS IS SUCH A FIRST WORLD PROBLEM i know!!!!!! fully aware!!!! #but i just :(( really wanted to go :((( but i am slowly leaning towards the option of not going :((( because money and time :(( #and the kilometers between me and the con place :((((( #personal

[tripably]

So I saw something like this on instagram and I wanted to participate, except I've psyched myself out of ever posting anything over there and also a month-long challenge is too much of a commitment plus I wanted to make edits to some of the questions so here we go!

~ A song with a colour in the title: Tummansininen seuralainen by J. Karjalainen ~ A song with a food in the title: Chop Suey! by System Of A Down ~ A song with a number in the title: 22 by Lily Allen ~ A song with a person's name in the title: Coraline by Måneskin ~ A song you remember from your childhood: Rööperiin by Jormas ~ A song from your teen years: She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5 ~ A song that you never get tired of: Lokin päällä lokki by Apulanta ~ A song to drive to: Kissavideoita by VilleGalle ~ A song you'd sing with someone on karaoke: Kukka by Uniklubi ~ A song that reminds you of summertime: Kesäyö by Pariisin Kevät ~ A song that needs to be played loud: Mary On A Cross by Ghost ~ A song that makes you want to dance: The Big Fellah by Black 47 ~ A cover song you like better than the original: Huuliharppu by ABREU ~ A song from the 70s: Starman by David Bowie ~ A classic favourite: Rebel Yell by Billy Idol ~ A song by a band you wish were still together: Pistoolisankari by Dingo ~ A song by an artist no longer living: Musta aurinko nousee by Juice Leskinen ~ A song you had/would love to be played at your wedding or such: Nothing Else Matters by Metallica ~ A song that reminds you of someone: Frida by BEHM ~ A song that makes you want to fall in love: In Joy And Sorrow by HIM ~ A song that has many meanings to you: Do I Wanna Know? by Arctic Monkeys ~ A song that makes you happy: Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas ~ A song that makes you sad: Vielä täällä by Jesse Kaikuranta ~ A song that breaks your heart: Te amo by Rihanna ~ A song that reminds you of yourself: The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel

I'm not tagging anyone, this time, but I'm strongly encouraging anyone who sees this to join me in obsessing over music choices, and also editing and/or removing and/or adding new questions to the list, whichever way strikes your fancy<3

#yes i also left out some of the questions entirely bc obviously i'm much better at deciding what's interesting #no but like questions such as 'a song by an artist whose voice you love' like isn't the answer every single artist you listen to??? #but i want to discuss my choices so someone please ask about them <3 #also less than 50% on my list were in Finnish this time which is an accomplishment #not much less but still #it also took quite some concious effort not to have an artist or band twice on that list #btw i can't belive i've just now spent about 4 hours researching the best answers to this silly lil thing #freedom-wise? i love being laid off part time

[purplewhiteandgold]

In pain thinking about the fact that after things settled, Axel was probably forced to eventually connect the dots and realize that the reason he (and everyone else) forgot about Xion was because she and Roxas were once again forced to fight each other and she'd lost, and he wasn't there to stop it that time because he'd lost Roxas' trust and couldn't save her from that fate or save Roxas from being forced to do that

#kingdom hearts #girl help im getting emotional over sea salt trio again #like! he didnt know! he had no idea what happened to her! #roxas left the organization and by the time axel saw him again roxas had fought her but theyd both already forgotten her #there was no way for him to even wonder what happened to her until he remembered her at the end of 3 #and he was probably too caught up in everything to think about what happened to her in the first place #but he tried so hard to protect them both from being used in that way or from being turned against each other #and it would probably break his heart to know that no matter how hard he tried it didnt matter #yes they did eventually break free but it doesnt change the fact that they still spent so much time being used as pawns #even as he worked so hard to protect them from that #i really hope this post is coherent i should have been asleep like 2-3 hours ago

[coldflasher]

you know what’s a scam? at the end of last year i just severely stopped giving a fuck at work and i was literally spending so much time doing fuck all, messing around on my phone for most of the day only to then edit like 30k in the space of 2-3 hours after lunch, and somehow i got away with it and my quality scores were fine. this year i was like okay this is not cool, i’m gonna make a determined effort to do this properly. so now i actually focus and don’t procrastinate, and yet i’m now consistently underperforming and i’m about to be put on performance review for the second quarter in a row which is... not great

i personally think our scoring system is stupid and needs an overhaul because in spot checks, they take off the same number of points for everything. so if i were to completely fail to edit a sentence and left it in a completely unreadable state, i would only lose one point, but then i also lose a point if i misplace a hyphen. so like. last year i somehow managed to fully miss this massive sentence that ended up making no sense whatsoever, and that was fine, apparently, because i didn’t lose points in other areas, but now i’m about to be put on performance review because i missed a few commas and accidentally used a mixture of single and double speech marks in a quote

the worst part is the way they do checks is so annoying because they just pull two random papers from the past 3 months and you can GUARANTEE they will pull a shit one. you can be on top form for ages and then have one bad day and somehow they always manage to pick the one paper you made mistakes on. i’m aware that they do this on purpose to put the fear of god into you because the idea is obviously that every paper should have no mistakes but let’s be real, that’s not realistic. human error is a thing. everyone makes mistakes. and somehow they have a sixth sense for finding the papers you made those mistakes on.

the problem is that last time i went on performance review, they monitored me for a bit and then did an extra spot check and the papers they pulled that time were basically perfect. one literally had no errors and the other had like. two. so i got a near-perfect score. which probably made me look great, like i’d worked really hard to fix the issue, which to be fair, i did. and they were really happy with that. except this quarter they pulled two more and i got the exact same bad score i got last time. so now it looks like i only started putting in effort when i was being monitored and then just immediately stopped trying again as soon as i wasn’t under review which ISN’T EVEN TRUE. i’m genuinely trying, here. but i’m very aware of how bad this looks and now i’m gonna have to do another one of those awful meetings where they bring up the fact that i’m Underperforming (*already shaking and crying at the mere prospect. once again i am about to get a bad grade in having a job*) and they literally have a senior manager who just. sits in the meeting in silence. watching. and nodding. while some other guy points out all the mistakes i’ve made. because that isn’t unnerving at all

i hate employment, i want to go live in a little hobbit hole and never have to receive another performance review again

#im genuinely just not cut out for this #because like here's the thing: i clearly am capable of getting those scores #but i have not yet figured out a way to do so that doesn't involve me being so stressed and burned out #that i want to put my head through a wall #like sure i can fix all your commas but also i have to spend an hour doing unpaid overtime every day to make up for the time i spent crying #and im not being funny but IT'S COMMAS. IS IT THAT DEEP #like yes ideally i would catch them all. im aware that it's my job to do so and i'm doing my best #but when you have to edit 40k a day every single day for 5 days a week. that's a LOT of work #im starting to realize why we have such a rapid staff turnover actually #i keep thinking that it's me and im the problem and maybe i just can't hack it... but actually #looking at how many people have quit in the year i've worked there #and the fact that someone recently applauded one of my coworkers for her long service and she's literally worked there for 3 years... #maybe. this isn't a sustainable pace for a normal person to keep up with #every now and then i think about trying to get a new job but i don't handle change well #when i made the transfer to this job from my supermarket job i literally had crying meltdowns every day for the whole training period #...are we sensing a theme here? #but i got away with it cos it was all remote so they didnt know that i was handling it so badly #but the thought of getting a new job and having to learn how to do something else is just. awful. genuinely hideous #i guess im just gonna have to deal with being extremely stressed for the entire rest of this year. no matter what i have to do #make sure my next two spot checks are all perfect and hope that i also don't end up succumbing to the urge to eat my laptop #oh yeah anon if you read this im afraid i do not care if i sound like a wanker #im allowed to be a little bit of a bitch about capitalism actually. as a treat #long post for ts

[retrogradedreaming]

The boba in my bubble tea count as food right. This is breakfast right

#idk what happened (yea I do it was bad choices) but I feel like shit #like yes I didn’t drink like any liquid yesterday and have changed how I eat in the last week #and have barely slept and when I do sleep it’s not well #and spent 14 hours on my laptop on Thursday #but my body is now complaining about it on the one weekend I have plans four days straight #my neighbor was making so much noise at like 3:30am and it freaked me out and I could not sleep for like two hours #so now I’m sitting on the couch trying to summon energy for a Halloween party later that I REALLY wanna go to #and then a market an hour away tomorrow #send help #food tw #ed tw #this is eli

[mrs-kelly]

Any day that I can discuss Rick’s character with someone is a good day ajfkdls

#yes i just talked with my brother about Rick again ajfkldl #this happens every month or so. we bring up R.ick and M.orty and then i go on a tangent about Rick and who he really is deep inside #and what his character arc is #and then i leave the conversation feeling all head over heels about Rick again because I feel like I really know him and understand him #it makes me feel like!! he and i rly have a connection #:3 #the hours and hours of time spent thinking about him and writing about him and drawing him probably led to that ajfklds #ren speaks #rickren

[abrushwithdeath]

Love is such a central part of her character, I feel. But not... not in the way it should be, perhaps. It's difficult for her when things get real because, suddenly, that's another weak point to be exploited- by others, by the person she loves. She’s not afraid of much, but vulnerability and, by extension, love, terrifies her. And yet, she craves it. It creates this kind of cognitive dissonance, her actions and her thoughts don’t always align, and that can be absolutely devastating, not just to her but to the people she loves. She has survived abandonment. Been discarded, been disowned for things she couldn’t control, had no say in. She has been picked back up and pieced back together... only to then live with love that is limited and conditional; easily discarded like it, and she, never meant a damned thing. She has had her love manipulated and warped and weaponized- the never ending search for approval from others like a drug. And yet she's stuck in the mindset of self sufficiency. She doesn't WANT to need anyone... Even though she strives to find meaning outside of herself, in others. In what she can do for them. In how she can give herself up to them. While her own love knows few limits (she tries to hold grudges, but offers forgiveness too easily- her relationship with Mystique is a prime example), her personal perception of how others love her is cemented in how useful she can be to them. A means to an end. And she doesn’t want that to be the case, of course. She wants love that is limitless. Love that doesn’t require her to constantly be walking a thin, winding, line of suitability. In fact, she strives against all of it, against being used, presses upon herself the need for independence. I have this page I’m writing up for her (it’s a basic bio), and in it I wrote: “self reliance assures self preservation” because that’s how she thinks... but she also falters in that time and again because she wants to be self reliant, yes; however, she has a hard time with actually committing to it. So she wavers. Hot and cold, so to speak. One moment she’s all in, giving her everything to someone. And the next? She’s pulling away as if she’s been burned. And the littlest things can set it off, push her from a place of comfort to a place of fear. In the comics she has often left Re//my for that exact reason- because things got too real, she gets too attached, he gets too close. Because in that propinquity she catches a glimpse at a piece of him that makes her feel like he’s only going to hurt her, or she him. It’s an excuse to step back, to walk away, to escape. Re//my caught onto that game quickly, and he loves her enough to offer her the space she needs, but he’s smart enough to often come to her first because he knows that if he doesn’t, she won’t come back. She gets so caught in her head, in these thoughts that she’s protecting both his heart and her own by keeping away, even when that couldn’t be further from the truth. And it’s the same in most of her relationships at some point or another. It’s hard to picture her being absolutely, unquestioningly, confident in a relationship when every time she’s felt comfortable with love it’s suddenly been ripped out from under her.  Add to all of this the fact that, emotionally, she’s stunted, still childish to a degree, especially when she’s younger- late teens, early 20s, still trying to figure herself out, still dealing with what she has been and who she wants to be. Her anger was fed and, like her love, weaponized from early on. It became a substitute for every other, harder to bear, emotion. She’s sad? Hurt? Heartbroken? It bleeds into anger and aggression more often than not. Even something as small as confusion can cause impatience and, to a degree, vexation. She can’t help it. In a respect, it’s how she’s been trained. To lash out. To wield her emotions like a blade. They wanted her to be angry because then they could aim that at their intended target, let her take it out in brawls that left her battered and empty, regardless of whether she won or lost. As she gets older, she gets better about all of that- the fear of love, the way she handles her emotions. She grows more comfortable with herself. Finds a way to take a step back and collect herself and try to place what she’s feeling and why she’s feeling it. She’s got a better handle, in general, on her emotions over time. It’s what, eventually, helps her learn to control her powers (to varying degrees at different times, mind you). It’s also why there does, in time, come a point that she marries Re//my and feels safe in their relationship. Of course, she still finds hesitations in her marriage sometimes because that’s never going to leave her entirely, I don’t think. It is such an engrained thing at this point that it’s hard to separate it from the rest of herself. It’s practically instinct. But that doesn’t mean that she loves in halves. She can’t. It’s an all consuming thing for her. To put it simply: she’s ride or die to the furthest extreme. To the point of telling Re//my “While I live, you don’t die”. To the point of throwing herself atop him so that they are impaled together. They die together. Because that’s how she shows love. Affection, itself, is difficult for her. More so when she can’t even touch the people she loves, feels detached from them because of it. There’s always a gap. A space between her and everyone else. A distance she can only bridge through carrying their burdens, through some form of self-sacrifice: whether that means literally sacrificing herself in the name of keeping them safe (in the name of proving her love), or even something as simple as suffocating her own emotions, her wants and needs, her concerns and fears and even her joys, to assure that the other person’s needs are met first. She is absolutely all in. ...until she realizes the power that that gives the other person. Then she quickly reels back. It’s cyclical, and it’s hard as hell to get her to break that cycle because she’s lived it her whole life, so much so that it’s become a comfort.

It’s... hard to explain the exact way her brain works, how it’s reacting. Like, I know that this probably all sounds convoluted and confusing to a degree (so if you’ve bothered reading even part of this- kudos to you <3 Seriously <3) But she perceives love as this unattainable goal, this pure, beautiful, little piece of nirvana... and she also perceives it as destruction. It’s empty and cold and cruel and manipulative and meaningless. It exists in both spaces simultaneously, as something to strive for and something to be avoided at all costs. Again- it’s all contradictory and she knows this. Even in her own head she can’t make sense of it. And it’s why she chooses to pull away even when she doesn’t want to. Because there’s a disconnect while these two conflicting ideas tumble around in already mixed up, fucked up, head. And I just hate and love that about her. Because these complexities are so intriguing and yet so frustrating. 

#ooc. #cw long post #long post #long post cw #((I'm tossing this under a read more AND tagging it in the hopes I'm not #gonna accidentally clog up someone's dash with my stupid headcanoning lol #But anyway- if you bother reading all of this you're the real mvp bc literally I'm the only person who probably cares about any of this lol #I just have a lot of feelings about her conflict with love and affection because there's so much nuance to it #and I feel like people who don't really pay mind to her character overlook it as her being frigid or just straight up annoying or whatever #when there's SO MUCH to it. #Tho also that could just be me digging too deep but ya know. It's fun for me and that's what matters.)) #((Also yes I spent the last hour just typing this all out instead of doing anything productive #and now I'm tired so I might go to bed. But I love ya'll lots <3)) #musings.

[gxtfictx]

Dating Emily Prentiss - Headcanons

some of these are nsfw

-She is the softest girlfriend ever

-always seems so strong, so badass, but she has the softest spot for you, you make her heart melt, and she never fights it back

-suuuuuuper posessive, gets jealous easily

-one time during a case, one of the local cops started flirting with you. Emily was fuming, pulling you close to her, her hands on your waist, putting your hair behind your ear, she had done it all, but this guy was just not getting it. Once the case was closed, he was about to ask you out for a drink, when Emily heard it, she run to where you were (still speechless) and kissed your lips, it was a explicit kiss, her hands on your waist possessively, a deep, passionate and romantic kiss, taking you by surprise. The guy was flabbergasted to say the least. "hey baby, ready to go?" she asks when she pulls apart. She looks at you, still out of words, and then to the guy, his mouth still opened in awe. "oh, sorry, you were saying?" he doesn't bother you anymore

-she loves having you over at her place because it's like sharing her intimacy with you, and she is a SUCKER for any kind of intimacy

-seeing you sitting around her place, walking around her kitchen messing around, cooking, listening to music and dancing, you on her couch, hanging your bras on the bathroom, randomly finding a sock or a pair of lost underwear after a night together... she loves having you around so much that you have your own drawer at her place after only 3 months of dating.

-another form of intimacy that she loves is when you wear her clothes. Hell. She loves it. She's feral for it. She always insists you look better on them anyway. She will wear it after because it smells like you, the scent calms her down, so she buries her nose into it every once in a while.

-physical touch is her no1 love language, in the sense that she will take any chance she gets to touch you. Her hand on your thigh. Will hold yours under the table every time. She caresses your shoulder, your arm. Will hold your hand on the plane during landing. When you go back after a case on the jet she'll have you laying on her, full on hugging sometimes, your back laying on her chest, she will play with strands of your hair, tickle your forearm... anything she can, she will touch

-she loves showing you off, always refers to you as "my girlfriend". "i'm gonna call my girlfriend" "i need to ask my girlfriend first" "Sure! I'll call my girlfriend to ask her if she wants to come" ...

-WILL tease the team, specially Morgan as he instists on making comments about your relationship (he never means wrong, he's not fetizishing you, it's just what he knows) "Prentiss, you and pretty girl had a good night?" "damn well we did" / "hey Prentiss any reason why you're both wearing turtle necks today? (she uncovers her neck, showing off the purple marks you had left) don't worry, you should see how i left her"

-at the beginning it would embarrass you a lot, now you've learned to enjoy it, and you even join in sometimes "Hey Prentiss, got a whip? (he says holding the leather attire to her body) You bet she does" Em loves it when you tease too.

-she definitely praises you in different languages, specially Italian because you love it (yes i'm projecting, so what, Italian is sexier than French, i said what i said)

-she's a huuuge nerd, so you bet movie marathons are a thing. She'll also keep asking you to pay attention if she has already seen it "Baby look! Look, this is the best part!" "I'm looking Em, I promise I'm looking"

-Chocolate, red wine and cherries are her 3 faves. You once got a perfume that smelled like cherries and she loved it so much she spent hours with her nose buried in your neck

-After several months of dating, you suggested to go on a little weekend trip. She was reluctant at first, but you convinced her as soon as you showed her the big jacuzzi at the hotel. She loved it so much and you had such a great time, that you started going on them every time you had a free weekend

-She has a tattoo on her ribs, right next to her boob. It was a stupid decision she made when she was 16, she instantly regretted it, hated it, and had always thought about getting it removed, until you started dating. You loved it, constantly reminding her how sexy it looked, kissed all the way around it, it made her feel so confident about it that she even started liking it, although it kind of looked like shit.

-She's not controlling at all, but she is over protective. She will murder whoever dares to touch you. (You know that scene when Spencer bends a guy's arm when he touches Tara? something like that)

-She loooooves giving you hickeys, but obviously they can't be visible, so she marks you all around. Your boobs, your thighs, your waist...

-She's a top, but she likes experimenting and will let you (and enjoy it just as much) take the lead whenever you feel like it.

-Has a whole folder on her phone for pictures of you with Sergio, most of them candid that you don't even know about

-loves showers and baths together, any time you go for a shower you can be sure she's joining you inside. You always say how inconvenient it is, but she always goes "we need to save water, honey"

-into astrology but will never admit it (she literally recognises constellations HELLO?!)

-You love her nose so much. She's always been kind of self conscious about it, but you reassured her every time, kissing it, praising her, you always told her how perfect it was for eating pussy, and that convinced her. Or maybe it was your moans after the tip of her nose bruised against your clit when she ate you out. You're not sure.

-Before she met you, she hadn't come out to her mom, nether had taken any partner home, when you started dating she told you about it, you insisted that it didn't matter, she had to do it when she was ready, if she ever was. It only took her 6 months to tell her and introduce you both.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A/N: might do a part two in some time because there are SO MANY omg she's the cutest (like and reblog <3 )

#criminal minds x reader #emily prentiss #emily prentiss imagine #emily prentiss lesbian #lesbian #lesbian pride #wlw #wlw fanfic #wlw smut #emily prentiss hcs #emily prentiss headcanons #headcanon #Emily Prentiss x reader

[greensleeve]

aaaaaaaand done!!! whew

#the essay thing was such bs #about an article that has nothing concrete to say #but i´m quite good at writing without really saying anything so yes academic bs how i´ve missed you #the drawing thing was awesome though i´m so proud of it i even chose a color scheme but man it took soooo much time #feeling very confident even though i have no idea how many people i´m even competing with #but if i had a hard time completing the tasks...what about others? because...i´m quick you know #and i´m talking specifically about the drawing thing because i´m very familiar with photoshop and yet it was such a rush still #i returned the assignments when there was 2 min left so 3 hours well spent

[mossy-rock-in-a-field]

Several weeks ago, my retirement-age mother requested that I play Baldur’s Gate 3 for her because she has trouble with controllers/keyboards and wanted “to see what all the fuss is about with that cute wizard boy.” For context, my mother and I have done this sort of thing in the past with certain RPGs (dragon age, mass effect, etc.), but it’s been a few years since she’s personally requested a game like this. Basically, I control her Tav but let her make all the choices so she can determine how the story plays out without worrying about mechanics. She treats it like a choose-your-own-adventure book.

Anyway, here is a list of some of the things my mother has said and/or chosen to do throughout the course of BG3 in no particular order:

She is (obviously) romancing Gale. She is quite smitten with him and his passion for books and learning; she also thinks he’s polite and qualifies as “relationship material.” She also REALLY likes the things he’s said about his cat so far (my mom is a cat lady), so I know she’s gonna flip shit when we meet Tara in Act III.

She’s playing a normal druid Tav with a generally good alignment. Her favorite spell is Spike Growth because she thinks it’s hilarious whenever enemies walk into the AOE and die. I usually end up having to cast it at least once per battle per her request. Sometimes twice.

Contrary to her alignment, my mother tasks me with robbing every single chest, crate, barrel, and burlap sack we come across; this also includes people and their pockets. The party is always at max carrying capacity. ALWAYS. She doesn’t like selling things because “what if I need them.” The camp stash is in literal shambles. There is no hope of organizing it. She’s got like fifty seven sets of rags and a billion pieces of random silverware.

She MUST talk to every animal and corpse in the game. I think five hours of her total playtime so far (47ish) has been spent speaking to animals as many times as humanly possible. Like, I was thorough in my own playthroughs, but this is on a whole other level.

She did NOT get Volo’s lobotomy, but she did let Auntie Ethel take her eye in hopes of a cure for the tadpole. I did not understand the logic then. I still do not understand it now.

She is far more interested in fashion than equipment stats. Do you have any idea how much gold I’ve had to spend on dyes just to make things match? SO much. Same vibe as that “please someone help me balance my finances my family is starving” tweet but instead of candles it’s thirty thousand fucking bottles of black and furnace red dye.

We broke the prisoners out of Moonrise, but they got on the boat too early and bugged the fight by leaving Astarion and Karlach behind. Wulbren Bongle somehow got stuck in combat mode even after engaging the cutscene on the docks below Last Light; he he kept trying to run ALL THE WAY BACK TO MOONRISE nine fucking meters at a time while I frantically tried to finish the fight with the Warden, otherwise Wulbren would have run straight into the shadow curse. (I would’ve let him go; fuck Wulbren Bongle, all my homies hate Wulbren Bongle. But my mom didn’t know that, and she wanted to keep him safe. So.)

She had me reload a save like eighteen times to save the giant eagles on top of Rosymorn Monastery. Wouldn’t even let me do non-lethal damage just to get past things. I think getting that warhammer for the dawnmaster puzzle took us like an hour and a half alone. (Yes, I know you can use any warhammer, but SHE didn’t.)

She’s started keeping an irl notebook to keep track of her quests between play sessions. She writes down ideas and strategies when she thinks of them during the week, then brings them to her next game session at my house. I think she wrote about three pages on possible approaches to the goblin fortress alone.

She insists that I pet Scratch and the owlbear cub before every single long rest, no exceptions. Sometimes I have to do it multiple times until she is absolutely sure that the animals know exactly how much she loves and cherishes them. She has also commissioned a crocheted owlbear plush from a friend of hers and is very excited.

I’m sure there’s a bunch of stuff I’m forgetting, but those are some fun things I thought of. She’s enjoying the game and is telling all of her retired friends to get it and play it for themselves. She asked me “what is Discord” yesterday and I think my life flashed before my eyes.

anyway shout out to my mom for being neat

Part 2 — Part 3 — Part 4 — Part 5

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #gale #gale of waterdeep #astarion #gale dekarios #laq talks #I talk #she stares at me real hard after she makes a choice too #like squinting to see if my expression gives anything away #if it was a good or bad call #I keep my face blank as shit it’s hilarious #I have not told her I’m writing fanfic for this game #nor will I ever #jesus christ

[ariaste]

The Magic Trick You Didn’t See: Being An Analysis of Good Omens Season 2

(or: Neil Gaiman, Your Brain is Gorgeous But I Have Cracked Your Sneaky Little Code And Have You Dead To Rights*) (*Maybe)

***

Soooooo I just spent the last 48 hours having a BREATHTAKING GALAXY BRAIN EPIPHANY about Good Omens Season 2 and feverishly writing a fuckin16,000 word essay about the incredible magic trick that @neil-gaiman pulled off. 

Yes, it’s long, but I PROMISE your brains will explode. Do you want to know how magic works? Do you want to know what Metatron’s deal is (I’m like 99% sure of this and it’s EXTREMELY FUCKING GOOD)? Do you want to know about the Mystery of the Vanishing Eccles Cakes and the big fat beautiful clue I found in the opening credits? Do you go through the whole inventory of Chekov’s Firearm & Heavy Artillery Discount Warehouse? 

Here is the essay, go read it: https://docs.google.com/document/d/193IXS11XN46lziHRb6eUpM17yK0BQkRqke1Wh64A_e0/ When ur done u can tell me I’m an insane crackpot, and u know what, i won’t even be offended

In case you don’t know whether you want to bother reading the whole enormous thing on google docs, I’ve put the first couple sections of it under the cut. JUST TRUST ME OKAY, HEAR ME OUT, THIS IS VERY EXTREMELY COOL, NEIL IS GOOD AT HIS JOB--

Proem

A dark theater. The rustling of the audience: clothes, breathing, whispers of anticipation. The lights come up. A man enters, stage left. He is a magician—a master magician—and he performs for you a magic trick so good and so subtle... that you don’t even notice you’ve seen it. 

You know there must have been a trick—after all, you came to the theater to see a trick performed, didn’t you? And he claims to be a magician. So there had to be a trick somewhere. There had to be.

But maybe there wasn’t. Maybe there was just a man on a stage, talking to you, telling you a story with a strangely unsatisfying ending you didn’t quite understand. 

I know. This is a weird beginning to an analysis essay. But hear me out, because I have to explain the mechanisms of the stage before I can show you what the trick was, where the trapdoor was hidden, and how Neil Gaiman pulled the whole thing off so gently and elegantly that you didn’t notice a thing. Ready? Here we go.

The Facts As We Know Them

Let us begin by establishing a baseline—some fundamental, logical assumptions that underpin the magic trick. These will seem obvious as soon as I say them, which is precisely the point: They are self-evident, loadbearing foundations for my entire argument, and if I don’t point them out, I’m going to sound like a crackpot conspiracy theorist. (Which! To be fair, I might be. I could easily be wrong about all this—but I don’t think I am.)

Our baseline, loadbearing assumptions that preface my Grand Unified Theory of Season 2: 

1. Neil Gaiman is extremely good at his job.

2. Neil Gaiman loves these characters and wants with all his heart to do them justice; likewise, he has a great deal of respect, love, and admiration for Terry Pratchett and is striving VERY HARD to write the show the way Terry would have been happy with.

3. The devil, as they say, is in the details: Neil Gaiman and the entire Good Omens cast/crew are fully capable of doing extremely subtle detail work, as conclusively proven in Season 1 Ep 6, specifically the whole sequence of the body-swap scenes.

With me so far? Great.

The Elephant In The Room

Season 2 was... odd. It was odd, wasn’t it. This isn’t a matter of whether you loved it or hated it—there was just something odd going on.

I spent the entirety of my first viewing very much enjoying myself and being very happy to be back with these characters and this world, but I was also liveblogging to my groupchat as I went, and a theme soon began emerging:

“Neil, what are you doing? Where are you going with this?” “What in god’s name is going on here? I’m so lost lmao.” “What is going on with the music situation?” “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE NEIL” “zombies, ok, I trust u to pull this all together in the end, Neil, but I still don't know what you're up to” “What is going on LOL” “Incredibly what is going on here” “NEIL! WHAT IS HAPPENING!” “Literally what is happening” “Neil Gaiman why have you constructed a regency au for mystery VIBES reasons” “just????????? lesbians????????? dancing what's HAPPENING. just all the background characters are gay here ok sure sure sure NEIL GAIMAN WHAT IS HAPPENING--” “mmmmmmm neil what u doin”

All these are copied verbatim from my liveblogging, and apparently I am not the only one to have this reaction. And to be clear, I was having a good time! I came out to this theater to see a magic trick, and this Neil Gaiman guy on stage is a master magician—but I didn’t see the trick, even though there must have been a trick. 

At first, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the season. I wanted to like it! Indeed, there were many things that I liked about it! But I felt a bit muddled and jumbled up and confused—I felt like there was something I didn’t understand about it, and so I couldn’t yet understand how I felt about it either.

I started chewing on this question in a friend’s DMs: Why is season 2 so fucking odd? What is going on here, Neil? What are you up to? The matter of whether he was up to something was never in question. I knew that he had to be up to something. Writers are always up to something, and as I watched season 2, it was as if I was watching Neil scamper around the room with a mischievous expression as he messed with things here and there and made little tweaks and adjustments to the arrangement of all the Chekov’s guns he’s stockpiling on the mantelpiece. 

You see, Season 2 has some very bad writing in it. HANG ON, DON’T ARGUE WITH ME YET! THIS IS NOT A JUDGMENT CALL!! This is the rug that the trick’s secret mechanism is hidden under!!! This is the hidden mirror that makes the trick work!!!!! This is the trapdoor in the stage!

Yes, of course I will explain myself.

Neil Gaiman is a master magician, but I am a pretty damn good magician myself—I’m a professional fantasy author who has published nine books, and I teach workshops for apprentice writers online and at universities—and if there is one thing I have learned about the process of achieving mastery of your craft, it is this: 

Regardless of what medium they’re working in, the apprentice artist is concerned primarily with achieving realism via an expansion of their control—control of their brush strokes as they paint a photorealistic eye; control of their deck of cards, the mechanisms of their magic tricks, and where the audience’s attention is being directed; control of all the little factors of voice, plot, character, setting, suspense and surprise that go into writing a good story. However, the master artist has achieved that control—so much so that it often looks effortless to an untrained eye—and sometimes the master artist returns to a messy, amateurish style simply because they have control even over this too. 

As an example, consider Picasso and his entire body of work. He begins as an apprentice focused on achieving control, doing portraits of people that look like people—like what we expect a portrait of a person to look like. Then, as he grows in skill and gradually achieves mastery, he pulls away from realism. He develops a style, he experiments with faces that don’t look like any human alive  colored in ways that do not appear in nature. He expands his control. His work becomes abstract. Towards the end of his life, he starts experimenting with what’s called “Naive art”, something that a 5 year old could theoretically draw... but you have to achieve mastery before you can do it on purpose and have it look good. 

On one hand, Neil Gaiman is extremely good at his job. On the other hand, Season 2 has bad writing in it.

What does that tell us?

Well, we know from our Baseline Assumptions that Neil Gaiman is simply too good of a writer to fuck up through garden-variety clumsiness and lack-of-control the way an apprentice writer would. Additionally, he cannot fuck up by accident in this case because I am positive that the man is scrutinizing his work on Good Omens far too closely to let anything slide—for Crowley and Aziraphale’s sakes, for David and Michael’s sakes, and especially for Terry’s sake. The stakes are sky-high, and he cares too much to write a weird, kind of “bad” season by accident.

Which leaves only one option: He did it on purpose.

(Am I sounding like a crackpot conspiracy theorist? Baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. I’m gonna get SO MUCH MORE CRACKPOT.)

If he did it on purpose, then the natural question to ask is: WHY!?!?!??

It’s a great question. Not “Why?” in terms of why he as an individual person with emotions would decide to do that, mind you. More like, “What purpose does this serve for the structure of the narrative?” There is a story he is intending to tell, and out of all the choices he could have possibly made, for some reason this one was necessary and correct in order to achieve that end goal—so what was that reason?

See? Intentionality. He knows exactly what details he left in, and he did it on purpose. (Editing! It’s important!)

So there has to be a reason. It’s like when a master magician “casually” rubs an itch on his nose—why did he do that? What is he sneakily slipping into his mouth by hiding it under the excuse of this little gesture that does not even register to you as meaningful? (If you haven’t watched enough stage magic to know what I mean, watch this.)

This question is, of course, impossible to simply answer out of thin air without any further evidence. It is a dead end—so we must adjust the question and come at it from a different angle.

The one I settled on when I was chewing on this was: Well, okay, what do I mean when I say “bad writing”? What is it about S2 that makes it feel so goddamn odd?

The Pledge, The Turn, and... The Conspicuous, Expectant Silence

There are three parts to a magic trick: Pledge, Turn, Prestige. 

First, the Pledge: You show the audience something ordinary. Second, the Turn: You make that ordinary thing do something extraordinary, like vanish. Third, the Prestige: You bring the ordinary thing back.

To quote the 2006 film The Prestige just after its explanation of the first two parts: “You want to be fooled. But you wouldn’t clap yet, because making something disappear isn’t enough. You have to bring it back.”

You have to bring it back.

When I teach apprentice writers, I call this a “setup-payoff cycle”. Achieving control and dexterity with this tool is crucial, because the setup-payoff cycle is the engine of the story—it’s what makes the story run. You can have a setup-payoff cycle at any scale—I have read ones that were a single sentence long; I’ve read ones that were two books long. Additionally, all jokes, no matter how long they are, are structured on a setup/payoff cycle. These cycles work precisely the same way a magic trick does:

You set up the audience’s expectations. (Optional but generally considered stylish and elegant: You give those expectations a firm jolt to throw the audience off-balance.) You pay off the audience’s expectations in a way they weren’t expecting, while saying “TA DA!!!!” really loud with your arms flung wide.

Audiences really like this. A setup-payoff cycle executed just right makes the audience’s brains light up like Times Square and hammers on their mental “reward” buttons like nothing else. It’s like you’ve personally handed them a cookie and a gold star. They go wild for this.

Here’s an example of a setup-payoff cycle, though it’s not a perfect one—and you’ve probably heard it before, so you’re not going to be throwing chairs and tearing down the theater from sheer glee:

The Setup: Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? The Jolt: (the joke starts over and repeats several times without reaching the payoff (aka the prestige) while the audience grows more and more annoyed and frustrated about the unfulfilled expectations, until finally...) Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? The Payoff: ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA?

Good Omens Season 2 feels so fucking odd because the setup-payoff cycles are incomplete—nearly all of them are, and the ones that do close the loop do so in really weird ways which, as a professional author, make me feel kind of, “Bwuh?????? But where’s my cookie? Excuse me??? Sir???? Neil????? My cookie, tho???”

When I realized this, when I finally put my finger on why the whole season was giving me some uncanny valley heebie-jeebies, a chill ran down my spine. (The rest is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/193IXS11XN46lziHRb6eUpM17yK0BQkRqke1Wh64A_e0/ I’M GOING TO GO STARE INTO THE ABYSS NOW BYE)

#good omens #good omens season 2 #ineffable husbands #neil gaiman