#you are a symptom of my mental illness

[stillhaventgotmydriverslicense]

please please please get out of my head

#ive spent my life thinking in monologues to people #obviously it changes sometimes but i think it mostly remains the same #started with my parents in my head as a kid #then the great depression hit and i have no idea what my thoughts were till 2013 #then anubhavi with sprinklings of joy and vanshika and some other people for a while but they were all distractions #and then it was saumya for a very long time #and then it was the girl who shall not be named #and then it was you #and ive gotten so intimate to so many people so theyd because the person im monologing to in my head #but theyre just small breaks #no matter how hard i try the default comes back to u #i hate u #i dont want to say anything to #you are a symptom of my mental illness #i do not love u #u dont even exist #please leave me alone #i dont think the universe wouldve let u be on my mind for so long if u didnt want to be #please get out #idk how but i need u to stop existing #i need u to stop taking dares involving me and i need u to not think ahout my boyfriend or prom or how ugly my hair is #i need u to go back to hating me #i cant hate u anymore its so exhausting #i have given up so much just for distance from u why cant u just get out of my head #he loves me #he really really loves me #and i love him too #so why isnt he the voice in my head #why is it you #lmao i reached that 30 tag limit

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage... #...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them... #...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent... #...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us... #...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long... #...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL #the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate #be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough #recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage' #i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself #and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was #i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want #don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please #and just... give yourself space

[wortcunningwitch]

PSA: my blog is NOT for people who believe crystals can cure disease, mental illness, chronic conditions, disabilities, etc. or people who believe crystals can substitute modern medicine and be effective in the slightest. yes, this includes people who say crystals can “help with depression/anxiety/etc”.

#saying crystals can ease certain symptoms of mental illness is a VERY slippery slope to saying crystals can cure said illnesses or more #if by ‘crystals can help depression’ you mean crystals can boost your mood #then stop misusing words like depression and anxiety. say what you really mean #my stuff #witchcraft #crystals #pseudoscience

[nuzzle]

normies that say “the intrusive thoughts won 🤪” in reaction to some perfectly socially acceptable and mildly quirky situation would have me not only institutionalized but locked behind a series of doors and perhaps thrown into an inescapable labyrinth with the minotaur never again to be seen by the world if they knew what my ocd made me think

#seeing people saying this about dying their hair or getting a haircut is like. Are you serious #hate that wretched emoji but it was necessary for characterization #and not trying to be all ‘Welcome To My Twisted Mind’ by saying this but it’s insulting inappropriate and harmful to misuse a term #that genuinely mentally ill people identify with and use to describe a symptom of ocd that they struggle deeply with #far too many people need to be educated on the difference between impulsive and intrusive thoughts #ocd #intrusive thoughts

[inkskinned]

i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.

i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.

the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.

i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.

i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.

as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?

what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.

i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.

i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.

it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.

#spilled ink #warm up #is this clear? #i have chronic pain & illnesses which i will not be discussing on this blog #and i will say that the way i'm treated about those is often just as bad #but since i don't have the room to give it justice on this post #it's ... about that weird sensation of... #''oh this is a real thing that actually hurts people'' #when u have spent ur life in pain and being told that pain isn't real #feeling like you are '''allowed''' to finally ACTUALLY feel pain #that sense -- oh thank god it's actually bad #idk maybe im a bad person #but sometimes i do like to write about. the actual symptoms of mental illness #and sometimes the Illnesses Do Make Me Think Bad Thoughts #so if this is weird just tell me i'll bring it up w/my therapist ig

[bpdamn]

daily reminder that there’s a difference between hating your abuser and hating every single person with npd. one is understandable the other one just makes you an asshole

#this especially goes out to people with bpd #i‘d never tell anyone to forgive their abuser or anything so go ahead hating the person that traumatized you #but y‘all know we‘re in the same cluster and we share relatively speaking a lot of symptoms right? #and even more important.. we know what it’s like to be misunderstood and demonized #so why do some of y‘all still go ahead treating people the way you don’t want to be treated for your mental illness #just don’t forget that it’s always about how someone handles their issues and not about a diagnosis in my opinion #anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk #npd safe #npd awareness #bpd blog #bpd awareness #actually bpd

[aetherknit]

finale thoughts

#sorry for reposting my own words laziness is actually a symptom of my mental illness when you really think about it.... #.txt

[theburiedgay]

PSA that being sleepy most of the time is not normal and sleep disorders are severely underdiagnosed, especially the rarer ones people don’t know how to recognize. If sleep is affecting your quality of life (too much, too little, involuntary actions, you feel like you haven’t slept when you have, etc) Seeing a sleep specialist could really improve your life!

#sorry but I have to promote my sleep disorder awareness agenda bc treatment has changed my life I had no idea sleep was the problem #ideopathic hypersomnia takes an average of 10 years to diagnose because no one except sleep specialists recognize the symptoms AS SYMPTOMS #it looks and feels like ‘bad habits’ but it’s literally the nervous system malfunctioning #dracula daily #dracula #sleep disorder awareness #sleep disorders #and some sleep specialists only have experience treating the most common disorders you have to keep getting a second opinion and beyond #Lucy has a parasomnia obviously but I really related to her 🥺 #EDIT #someone mentioned mental health in a tag I want to clarify: asleep disorders =/= mental illnesses. psychologists won’t know how to help you #if you have a problem related to sleep go to a sleep specialist please. other doctors have very limited knowledge on sleep

[blinkpen]

having long ago made the executive decision to sublimate MUCH more of my rage over all the ways my body identity and personhood have been violated over the course of my life on levels both mental physical domestic and systemic into my writing by the way

#this does not mean we will be Seeing things on screen we don't need to #just that i am going to crank the dial and how much harrowingly visceral information can be conveyed -without- actually doing that #good horror will make a frame with seemingly nothing going on the scariest shit ever bc you Know. you cant see. but you Know. #the tragedy of 'my schizophrenia did not disable me but the PTSD from how i've been treated and taken advantage of bc of it DID' #'and SO MUCH of the WORST trauma was inflicted in the name of Fixing me (be it the mental illness or my gayness or my being a girl wrong) #and a lot of other things really but this is at the forfront of my mind as i finally finish recovering from a lot of repressed shit finally #boiling over to dangerously lethal levels last year and my entire brain just Imploded lmao #i dont know when i'll be able to really forgive my family for refusing to vaccinate or distance and transmitting covid to me twice #resulting in seizures and brain damage the second time #which basically hit a reset button on how well i could manage my pre-existing schizophrenic symptoms and damaged my cognition #i've had to mourn losing a big chunk of my own mind's ability to function focus or even remain anchored in reality because of that #oh yeah the transphobia my family still refuses to work on that and it also contributed heavily to the system shattering so bad #i finally realized that it even existed #some of the alters now have mutually exclusive genders and orientations presumably as weird coping mechanism

[crippleddetective]

who has ever said that in the history of ever. what is cruel about wanting our own fucking exclusive space without able-bodied people in it. for someone with blah blah i drink abled tears or whatever the fuck on your profile, you sure do a lot of abled bootlicking.

#cpunk #cripple punk #cripplepunk #this is fucking ridiculous #fuckin ‘anyway you fucking insane people’ are you serious #who has ever swid anything like that #ever #in this community #wanting an exclusive phys disabled only space isnt fucking ableist . go and make your own punk space if you care so much about this. #idc #just because mental illness/disability has physical symptoms does NOT make it a physical problem. #my boyfriend can be bedridden by his depression that doesn’t mean he’s literally physically incapable of moving #in those moments its a mental block not an actual physical block. its still mental #even if it affects him physically its still mental #ykwim #same goes for mental disabilities as a whole #which may i add i have A Multitude of so dont come cruing at me about being an exclusionist #i have Literal Brain Damage do not fucking try me #but. YKWIM #phoenixonwheels

[drowsystarlight]

I swear this is a comic about black cats

#neeks draws #i don’t know #black cats #uh #mental health #we were talking about person with disability IDs #lets just say my mom doesnt want to give me an id for being mentally ill #even if i am #lol #‘you dont have these symptoms!!’ #me hiding the symptoms from them: #venting #vent art

[sproutzai]

the disorder faking in this generation is genuinely wild. like.

#yiure meaning to tell me you have DID #a disorder known for severe memory loss #a disorder known to be so so difficult to disgnose to anyone unrer the age of 18 #and all of ur alters r fictional cjaracters?? all of them remember to sign off with a silly emoji?? all remember how to use a phone?? #bullshit genuine bullshit i dont care #maybe thats because i have an interest in psychology but . be so for realm #if youre gonna fake a disorder at least do the minimum amount of research #i dont even qanna get STARTED on the “autism” community #“w-wait this isnt normal??” and its like. being tired after social events. #i guarentee it is normal. #Good lord stop diagnosing yourself off tiktok or instagram reels #see genuine psychiatrists / doctors 😭. #self diagnosing isnt valid #never will be #btw #if you think you have a disorder do research and dont announce it like youve been diagnosed for the past 7 years #“i think i have adhd because i have heavy symptoms” is more mentally positive then “I ABSOLUTELY HAVE ADHD I SAW 3 REELS” #exaggeration but you know what i mean #“b-but zai!! what about the people who cant get a diagnosis!!” womp womp?? use the point i said before???? #therell come an age for everyone where they can go be independant with it and seek genuine help bruh #my bad for ranting but like. christ. #normalise mental illnesses but not the way half of you are doing it .... #🌱 idle #🌱 rant

[iwowzumi]

powerful, clever, and good-hearted characters that are seen as untrustworthy or unstable due to paranoia and/or destructive behavior patterns forced by external circumstances my beloved

#shaking characters that mimic ‘destructive’ mental illness symptoms by the shoulders I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! #paranoid characters I LOVE YOU!!!!!! #jonathan sims #harrowhark nonagesimus #ronan lynch #and yes. believe it or not: #nagito komaeda #bestows upon my fav characters with the highest honor: OCD diagnosis #syd text

[hussyknee]

Idk if there's enough people talking about what a gigantic energy drain Complex PTSD is. It's not just one single traumatic event, it's having lived in a traumatic situation for a long time. And in the case of child abuse, your entire formative life period. Everything is a trigger, anxiety is your default, and your brain keeps trying to keep you safe by yelling at you about everything you're doing "wrong", which will lead to pain. Your brain is a constant war zone, braced for attack, rarely relaxed, at least some part of you always hypervigilant. The stress it takes on your body is insane. It's why trauma is linked to autoimmune issues, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and, according to one study, cancer.

Physical disability leaves you even more vulnerable and less able to live up to the impossible standards of control and "correct" behaviour your brain insists on, not to mention the free gift given to all patients of chronic illness that is medical gaslighting and patient-blaming, all of which simply compounds the trauma. Reduced physical and mental health obviously leads to systemic risk factors such as inability to pursue academic and professional qualifications, poverty and financial struggle, malnutrition, becoming unhoused or bad living conditions, exacerbated medical issues and further lack of medical resources, reliance on welfare and care networks, and becoming trapped in codependent, abusive or toxic relationships. The knock-on effects are endless.

This is all to say— if you're wondering why you can't seem to do more than the bare minimum every day when you haven't been diagnosed with a physical illness, or you're "not that disabled", or you think your symptoms are "just psychosomatic" (which means your brain is under so much intolerable stress that it's started taking a chair to the windows and destroying the furniture just to get you to NOTICE AND MAKE IT STOP): the answer is that your body is actually struggling under the kind of stress that kills trained soldiers and disables them for life. So stop trying to convince yourself that you're just not trying hard enough when what you really, desperately need to get your life on track is community, care, rest and ease.

#the medicalization of mental health is just capitalism trying to cover its ass #isolating physical and mental illness makes the entire medical complex an abject failure actually #''disease'' should refer to a state of being rather than its outcome imo #i've never heard of one that wasnt simply the visible symptom or ramification of the core problem or situation #like I'm grateful for the anti-depressants and bipolar meds and all but i just think a lot more problems would be solved #if someone gave me a place to live with peace and quiet and living assistance #i mean I'd still need the meds its not either/or #but I wouldn't need to be on ever increasing doses for the rest of forever #also if there was some kind of holistic understanding of health that bridged psychiatry with the fest of the medical complex #they could have taken one look at how badly I broke down at age twenty and worked to prevent my inflammatory disease being triggered #or at least not gaslit me about it for seven years until i nearly lost a colon #you just absolutely bloody cannot treat health as separate from socioeconomics and community support #this shouldn't be new or revolutionary #actually cptsd #complex ptsd #ableism #disability #healthism #child abuse #emotional abuse #domestic abuse #intimate partner violence #parental abuse #chronic illness #spoonie #knee of huss #mental illness #autoimmune disease #social justice #psychosomatic

[objectssolitaryandterrible]

i feel like a gigantic loser at the moment. and like a ridiculous and useless sort of person. when i get this way, i like to think about the professor who reached out to me after i dropped out of this college. a typical compliment from a professor i guess but it really moved me--continues to move me.

#not my queer lit professor #this one was a poet and a very intimidating person honestly... #but i'm afraid my 'strangeness' is now turning to ugliness #because of severe mental illness symptoms / financial instability / lack of discipline / complacency #'you must take care of it' i will try.