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himbos-hotline · 1 year

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Name: Write it in ink or in blood [It's the same either way] Prompt: @wrestleprompts [prompt week Six: you got a Tattoo of what?] Word count: 588 words Rating: General Audiences Ship: Jay Orton & Matt Jackson & Nick Jackson Characters: Jay Orton, Matt Jackson, Nick Jackson Triggers: None, The bucks have no concept of personal space Authors note: I wrote this when the prompt came out and I realised that I never posted it. A look at Jay and the bucks and their brotherhood friendship. Found family my beloved. Matt tries to erase a tattoo. I kow its short and kinda messily written. Im trying to get back into writing after a depressive slump where this was written. Tag list: @ithunderstorm @itsnoosetome @malewifemoxley @kass-the-kitten @melancholycowboysamuraibebop @josiewrites @basil-the-evil-cowboy @ss-trashboat @ambroseasylum @wrestlezaynia @banannabethchase @bellicosebunny @mrsmatt @racerchix21 and @anairbri and @mistress-omega-majesty

Reblogs are appreciated Read on ao3

Jay is a scrapbook of doodles. Everyone who's ever meant something has gotten their own special place against their freckled skin. A cactus on their neck, a golden star and an Omega sign across their fingers, flames licking around their ankles. He’s a scrapbook of doodles so he’s surprised when Matt’s eyes bore dark holes into a spot on her shoulder. “Can I help you Mathew?” She asks, the question directed more at the wall than towards her older brother behind him. She listens to him stutter over a reply, watches from the corner of their eyes as he stumbles over and pokes at sore skin. “That hurt ya asshole!”

“What's that? Stay still!” Matt spits on his fingers, drags them against the fresh ink like he’s trying to rub away a stain. His eyebrows press together in annoyance. Nick looks at his brother and shares a look with his baby sister. “Hey, you two can’t do that!” Nick just rolls his eyes, swatting his brother away before slumping on the couch.

“Why were you trying to rub away a tattoo?” Nick asks from the couch, eyes flicking up from his phone as Matt’s cheeks turn an embarrassed pink. “Youre a fucking dumbass.”

“I am not!” Matt scuffs his foot against the carpeted floor of the locker room. “He’s just never had one there before”

“People can get new tattoos, Matty.” Jay scoffs, leaning against the wall. Matt opens his mouth and flails a hand in front of him and Jay raises a playful eyebrow as he tries to gather the words. She barely contains a laugh when Matt’s hand falls and he pouts. “I should have shown you two sooner. But with-” Jay pauses, letting a pause flood the small locker room. “Everything going on. It kinda went to the back of my mind.”

“Well, let me see! What is it?!” Nick’s suddenly by his big brother's side, bouncing slightly on his toes. Spurred on by her little brother's excitement, Jay leans against the wall, arms hanging loosely by their sides. “It's a bird!”

“Mhmm…”

“There’s something else” Matt seems focused and only half annoyed at Nick’s outburst of excitement, right by his ear. He tugs at his little brother's ring gear and there's a small sigh that slips past his lips. “And a stingray.”

Jay fixes their hoodie back across his shoulders, zipping it up and flailing so his brothers take a step back. “I'm so glad you two know your favorite animals.” She gets a tandem unimpressed glare from both brothers at their sarcasm. “I liked the drawings you guys did. So, I took a picture. Hanger colored them in and now- tattoo”

“You got a tattoo of what?” Nick asks, and Jay badly represses the sarcastic reply. “Those ones we did when we were at the hospital?” Jay nods. Matt smiles and elbows Nick joyfully in the ribs. “For us?”

“Well yeah. Y’guys are my brothers. I have the barbed wire for Mox…You guys are important to me. So…” He shrugs. “I couldn’t ask for better brothers and I love you two, so why shouldn’t I carry that love outwardly huh?”

Matt hugs him so hard that he nearly topples over. With his head pressed against the wall and their arms slung around their big brother, Jay chuckles. “Are you crying?”

“No. shut up.”

“Why were you trying to rub away a tattoo?” Nick asks from the couch, eyes flicking up from his phone as Matt’s cheeks turn an embarrassed pink. “Youre a fucking dumbass.”

“I am not!” Matt scuffs his foot against the carpeted floor of the locker room. “He’s just never had one there before”

“Mhmm…”

Matt hugs him so hard that he nearly topples over. With his head pressed against the wall and their arms slung around their big brother, Jay chuckles. “Are you crying?”

“No. shut up.”

#mouse writes #wrestleprompts #BROTP: Crimes? Crimes!#OC: Jay Orton #matt jackson #nick jackson

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diaryofthoughts23 · 5 months

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Discontent

Monthly, weekly almost, I become discontented or numb. Am I stuck i n some hedonistic cycle? Where I can only be happy about stupid things that don’t matter? When little thing doesn’t work out, or somthing small inconveniences me and I’m a stupid cranky mess. Even if I tell myself “it’s ok this is a small inconvenience” It still takes so long to get over it. Am I so programmed to have instant gratification that when I cant fix my problem immediately I become depressed mess. It’s an instant gratification problem. Real change takes time and being impatient makes the time seem longer when you dont want it to be. QUIT BEING IMPTATIENT!!

HOW DO YOU STOP BEING IMPATIENT? I guess thats my next step. In the past I stop being impatient when I give up. But I dont want to give up on genuine change. I have this stuck feeling again, like when I ws depressed in college. Shit. Am I depressed again? (Yeah I slipped and fell into it) I might be. Probably am. I broke out of it last time by pursuing a major life goal and doing shadow work. In the past I the shadow work over my childhood trauma. Now I have to do the shadow work about who I am, what I want, and the life goals to achieve it. That’s what that book I bought is all about. It’s just feel like this inner slug that hasn’t been there before. Even in the past this slug I could easily shake off. The slug has turned into a leech sucking the energy and drive to do anything. Even to be happy. I want things , but can’t find the drive to pursue them. I am stuck in the rat race with the desire to get out, but no drive to make it happen. Then there are my health issues that could be adding to all of this mental confusion.

Let’s be honest, my health is shit. I eat Ike shit, I need to work out more and regularly. Again, there is desire to change but no energy or motivation to do it. There is almost a strong desire to give up. It’s not really there yet, but it feels like suicide. Giving up on all that is good for me and letting my stupid cravings win. I almost desire laziness and gluttony. There is an addiction to feeling stressed out and like shit. i know I have a weird confusing addiction to feeling Like shit. I DONT WANT IT ANYNMORE!!! I stat to work on it , i feel kinda better then I crash EVERY TIME. I CRASH THE CAR OF DESIRED CHANGE EVERY TIME. THIS IS WHERE I FAIL. I FAIL MYSELF CONSISTENTLY. FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUK THIS FUCK THIS FUK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FFFFUUUUKKKK TTHHIISS. I was afraid of failing other people or so long i now have a strange addiction to failing myself. If I fail myself there is no failure left to inflict onto others.

I cant get into the car of change anymore. I just crash. I dont kow how to drive the car of change, but damnit I’m gonna walk. It will be slow. It will be slow.

Change. Will. Be. Slow. But I cannot give up or be impatient and quit. That is failing myself and the life i feel called to I live. I want this cycle to end an a new cycle to begin. Its time. I need to still give myself the grace to fail/make mistakes AND pick myself up and keep going. Life starts new things and tries to begin change

SOOOOOOO MANY TIMES!!!!!!! It’s at the point where I am exhausted. Maybe thats why I want to give up. I m exhausted from trying so many times. How d I find the encouragement within myself? Do I hve a community that supports me? I think so.

GOAL: My fist goal towards change is to finish reading my happiness book and alll of the other supplimental work it has with it. It like a college course. Happiness 101 damnit.

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followed-by-chaos · 4 years

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idrewbedraggledbreaths · 4 years

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Sorting Daenerys Targaryen and Jorah Mormont with the sortinghatchats system (GoT verse)

I didn’t want to write this post before I finished my Killing Eve sortings (basically Carolyn and Konstantin), but I’m stuck with them, so I decided to revisit an old fandom instead with a new approach. My take here is possibly an outsider’s take, given that I haven’t interacted with this fandom for a while, save for a few close friends I made in it. Now, bear in mind this sorting system IS NOT the original HP system, it is simply based on it. It sorts you into two houses. Your primary is you WHY, your reason to be who you are, what you believe in. Your secondary is your HOW, the way you act and approach life. Below is a little tl;dr of what each of them are (I’m using the animal terminology that’s being used in many blogs, by the way. If you know the houses, you know what each animal is supposed to represent).

Lion primaries are intuitive and guided by their moral compass, which is very strong (doesn’t mean what they believe in is in fact good or correct) and Lion secondaries are the people who charge straight at something, regardless of whether they will come out of it unscathed or not.

Snake primaries value people. Not any person, their people. They will go to hell and earth for their people to be safe and happy, which can get kind of self destructive. Snake secondaries improvise much like Lion secondaries, but they tend to adapt to situation and shapeshift their way out of problems.

Bird primaries also value right and wrong like Lion primaries, but they build their systems with external information and observation, not from their gut feelings. That means Bird primaries change a lot with time, because their ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ change. Bird secondaries collect. Skills, tools, random knowledge, they delve deep and acquire as much of them as they can, not because things are useful, but because it’s fun.

Finally, Badger primaries are also people-persons, but their communities are much broader than a Snake primary’s. They value people, tradition, cultures and so (but not every Badger sees everyone as people, so there’s that). Badger secondaries are the hardworking types in the sense that they cultivate things, they invest in them and even become them.

You can develop models of each house according to what you find useful or what society has instilled in you, but when push come to shove, the models aren’t the real you. All of these houses can burn, meaning their essence is somehow scared away from them due to trauma, depression, societal pressures, etc. That means a Lion stops trusting their instincts, a Snake no longer feels like they’re able to protect their people or their people are better off without them, a Bird loses faith in their systems and a Badger closes themselves off from their communities and adopts a smaller circle of people. Burnt houses can look a lot like each other. For more info, check out the tags.

Daenerys

Double Lion, no doubt (for most of the show). Dany knows what’s right, she feels it in her bones. She never tries to rationalise her decisions and she won’t usually budge, even if she is presented with a more rational plan. None of her advisors have really convinced her to do anything, they might have pushed her to do what they wanted, but if she had her way, Daenerys would only ever listen to her own heart. She needs people around her to help her not make impulsive, brash decisions(because of her Lion secondary that I will get into), but she definitely doesn’t need - and doesn’t want - a moral compass, hers works just fine. She was burned as hell in the first episodes of the first season, mostly because of Viserys’ horrible influence, because he had robbed her of a purpose, of her truth. Drogo also stifles her primary and secondary for a while, but he eventually gives her some space to be herself. When she unburns, she unburns fast. ‘Not a Queen, a Khaleesi’ is pretty much Day gong ‘yeah, I can do things my way, I can be my own person with my own values and my own self.’ I think from there on, her quest to liberate 1) take back the Iron Throne 2) liberate Slaver’s Bay and ‘Break the Wheel’ just show how much she is focused on a big quest that is not explained by reason, by her need to form a community or by the influence of someone in her life. She does it because that’s the Right Thing ™ to do, and that’s Lion primary in a nutshell. Another thing that points towards Lion primary to me is how she just won’t take criticism and specially betrayal well (not that anyone does, but Dany is particularly unforgiving most of the time). Lion primaries are particularly shaken when someone they admire doesn’t have the same moral standards as they do, because deep down they like to think they know what’s ‘good’ and ‘true’ (oops my Snake primary who doesn’t really get Lions is showing), so if you don’t follow them and their beliefs, you must be doing something wrong. This is why Dany is so fucking pissed at Jorah when she finds out he betrayed her. She is also devastated true, and she misses him, but her ideals and her ‘truth’ stop her from seeing things from his side ad from forgiving him until he has proven himself worthy. Her reaction to betrayals tie in to the fact that she is a MASSIVE Lion secondary. She headbutts her way into things and her liberal use of Dracarys is proof of that. That’s not to say she doesn’t think or plan or listen to her advisors, but when push comes to shove, homegirl ACTS. Fuck the consequences, I have three dragons, fucking try me. Don’t tell me that climbing on Drogon in the fighting pits and burning the Khals were calculated decisions. Burning the Lannister army wasn’t a calculated decision. She leaves the planning to the people around her. This is something I struggle with regarding Lions, but I have to admit they are much more prone to seizing opportunities that us Bird secondaries (because I do have a Snake model but it is utter shit).

Now, in seasons 7 and 8, she starts burning again. She gets to Westeros, where people aren’t flocking to her side like they did in Essos. Daenerys lets herself be swayed by Jon’s pretty little speeches that sound very Lion, sound very true to Daenerys, but guess what? She is fucking betrayed by everyone. The people she loved are killed, her children are killed (and the whole ‘I will take what is mine’ thing indicates that she might have a Snaky primary model, after all, she does some things because of what she claimed as hers, be it people or the Throne), she is left absolutely alone, so she burns, she loses faith in herself, starts doubting her actions and her instincts and no one is there to help her unburn safely, so the way she does it is destructive, as it often is with Lion primaries who don’t have guidance in order to regain their trust their instincts and their selves. To me, the KL incidence is her primary going ‘You fucking left me behind, you fuckers, now you are going to see that I was right and fuck the consequences’. Her primary takes a turn for the worse with the help of an impulsive secondary and she ends doing anything to reach her end goal, similar to Albus Dumbledore and his disregard for human life as long as Voldemort being defeated is concerned.

Jorah

I have no doubts whatsoever that Jorah is a Snake primary. I know the fandom likes to sort him into Hufflepuff when using the traditional sorting system and while there’s no doubts he is a loyalist to the bone, Jorah’s loyalties are much narrower than a Badger primary’s would be. Before he meets Daenerys, he wants to go home and make up with his family, because they are the ones who matter. Not his reputation, not the North, not Bear Islad itself, the Mormont House. Before that still, he does literally anything to keep Lynesse happy, including doing things that are against the law. This utter devotion to certain people are what makes him a Snake primery to me, a paricularly self destructive one. He starts worrying about the fact that he berayed Daenerys when he ‘adopts’ her into his circles and more so when she goes from being in his outermost circles to being the one person his Snake primary is attached to. Daeerys is everything to Jorah. Does he persoally care about freeing slaves or generally following her morals? No, he does it because it is importat to her and he wants her to see he is worthy of her attention (I, another Snek, still don’t kow if I like Florence + The Machine so damn much because I liked a girl who was into FATM or if my Bird secondary saw her taste for FATM and went ‘OMG ME TOO LETS TALK ABOUT THAT’ and the primary just said ‘huh, that’s legit. We’ll worship her from now on’, so yeah, us Snakes do that. On a side note, I never worked up the courage to ask her out, though). That’s why he goes batshit when she banishes him. He doesn’t burn, which means his primary is so strong it wasn’t fazed by being ast out of her circles; no, he is hell bent on getting back into her good graces and if he has to sacrifice his life fr that, so be it.

Now, when it comes to secondary, I’d say Jorah’s a Lion secondary too, even though he has a lot of models he picked up with time. Models are useful, models get you out of bad situations, but they’re not who you really are. Jorah wans to be a Bird secondary when he’s around Daenerys, he wants to be the careful planner who looks ahead and ensures she is successful and he also needs a Snake secondary model, because his life demands that he twists and turns himself to fit different situations, but deep inside he is a Lion. His most honest moments are the moments when he just does it, no thoughts head empty. Did he have a solid plans when he kidnapped Tyrion? Fuck no! Did he truly know what he was doing when he decided to fight in the pits? Fuck no! Did he think before he charged at the wights and saved Daenerys in Winterfell? Fuck no! His head was probably just going ‘my Daenerys is in danger let’s punch first and see what happens later’. He’s not like Littlefinger, who plans everything ad is so fast at analysing and changing plans he looks like a Snake. His models make him seem like the opposite of Dany, like a Bird to a Lion, brains while she is brawn, but when she is in danger, Jorah charges.

What the Jorleesi shippers do is take Dany’s Lion primary that is so focused on a quest and show her that she can also include people in her big aspirations. The gut feeling that is so characteristic of Lions is already inside her, all she would need is to put it into words, which isn’t necessarily the strongest suits of many Lions (that’s a Bird thing). Since most of their dynamics inevitably lies on Jorah’s models regulating Dany’s secondary, there’s not much point in ‘taming her Lion’. Jorah stays the same. The fandom looooves his Snake/Lion, specially since us Snakes tend to be too hard on ourselves. A self-loathing Snake who is also a stupid brave Lion secondary? Yes. They are both stupid brave. Also just stupid. Just talk, you two, for fuck’s sake. Get over your Lion, Daenerys, and talk to him, his Snake won’t allow him to bother you too much.

#daenerys targaryen #jorah mormont #Dany x Jorah #jorleesi #sortinghatchats #lion primary #gryffindor primary #lion secondary #gryffindor secondary #snake primary #slytherin primary #double lion #snake/lion

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lizzodorito · 4 years

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quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

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jewelsandstrings · 5 years

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Iam terrible sorry but is your godphone still available? Iam a bit desperate. I decided to worship loki now for a little time. But I always when I talk to him I feel nothing and Iam not sure if he really accepts me. I couldn't talk to him kow since a few weeks because my insecurities and depression made it impossible. Besides I never worshiped a god before. I would like to know if he accepted me or not. If he is at my side to support me or not. Thank you. I could really need a bit help

Hello my love,

Loki is a complicated god, of that everyone can be sure, but he would never turn down a follower. He’s very excited to see you walking down your new path, he loves nothing more then watching yo learn and grow, trying new things and experiencing new things! He’s not upset, just amused by your tiral and error.

In my belief, depression and anxiety cause what I call radio static between you and the gods. It’s very important to breath and do what you need to, to fill your well. And by that I mean eat, sleep, drink water, do things that bring you joy and a sense of calm. Take medicine if you need it, there is no shame in taking your medicine.

But long story short he’s not upset with you in the slightest. He cherishes those who seek to learn and experience new things. And he says that you are by far one of the most intelligent creatures he’s ever come across and he wishes you to have more confidence in yourself.

You are strong, beautiful, endlessly intelligent and you should hold your head high with pride. In his words: “Chin up princess or your crown will fall”

I hope you feel better!

Much love and many blessings!

#asks #godphone #cosmic witch #queen priestess #my readings #loki

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wakeupfreanz · 3 years

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Where are you supposed to go? PAC Reading 🌟

The urge to do this reading literally came out of nowhere, but I am unable to refuse the call of the universe. Pick an image that you feel drawn to and receive what you will. This reading may answer answer questions as of now, explain the past, or provide context in the coming future.

Cards: Full Moon in Virgo, Coffin rev, 7oW, QoW, Lovers rev, Chariot, 2oS

You must invoke the energy of the moth, because you tend to stand in your own way a fair bit. It's not as if you want to do so, but you're in a constant loop of thinking that you must take the logical/left brain way out. Because it's safer than chasing the other of which calls you. I feel that a good bunch of people who chose this pile may be quite emotional in private. Not as if you don't enjoy laughing and smiling around people you love, but you only tend to express surface level grievances or avoid expressing full details of things that which may make you deeply upset, angry, sad, anxious. You are being called to go chase what has been calling you. For some of you this is going to be a thing/person/career that has called you to return many times if not a few. Some of you may have sinus problems, stress induces headaches, and body aches, particularly in the trapezius, upper shoulder region. I feel a strong amount of cancerian and fire energy if this pile applies. Many times some of you are at a loss for words or have trouble and often write and rewrite/say again your sentences. You must express yourself, the throat is very blocked right now. You may wonder if you're being called to face your demons, and some of you may even be working on your shadows right now. However, you're using it as a means to blind yourself/prevent yourself from making this return. Your transformation is beginning if it hasn't already begun, because things will be removed from you to clear your path so you can no longer turn away. I also felt some of you may have issues with the left wrist? Lastly, some of your relationship(s) may take a pause or break apart to give you the last shove where you need to be. All in all, you know the truth and it's time to speak it and get going.

Cards: New Moon Eclipse, Dragonfly, Chariot, 2oS rev, 9oW rev, World, 10oW

Many of you in this pile are leading a double life of sorts. Masking certain parts of yourself when interacting with certain people. Some of you find safety in this, safety of having control, shelter from judgement, safety in controlling yourself. Many of you are very hard workers and keep things going steady, its not easy to find blemishes in this fabricated representation of yourself. But on the other side of the coin, you're in a hovering middle ground of a crisis. Unsure if you're distress or okay with this. You know exactly who you are and are unsure of how to show who you really are in this regard. It's defeating, depressing. But something is coming in, something will occur to revolutionize your approach, your thought. This could come in the form of just coming out as you are. There is no need to run and hide from your shadow. You may worry about seeming insincere or not genuine because it's been so long since you've entertained the though. But this blockage is binding you. Some of this pile is being pushed to enter their shadow and get a good look at the darker side of themselves to embrace it. Some of you are being pushed to speak with honesty and integrity. Don't mask it any longer. Lastly, some of you might have issues with anxiety or letting people in to get to know you beyond the surface. Stop invalidating yourself, no more "its not bad enough to need treatment/help". You will be heard and understood. Some of you may struggle with posture or pain on the back of the neck/nape.

Cards: New Moon in Sagittarius, Lightning, PoS rev, 9oS rev, Temperance rev, KoW, 4oP

Some of you may have endured a betrayal in the past/recent past. You may have wondered if you actions in the situation were wrong and continue to question yourself. The results of the situation are still upsetting to you. It's taking a toll on your spirit and you don't feel the same since it occurred. It seems that you're still holding it all inside and haven't been able to express it as you would have liked. This could lead to you snapping at people. Know that this situation has not reached it's end yet. Things are feeling like they're at a terrible stand still, some of you may even be obsessing over what happened and replay it in your head often and theorize what the end will look like. Some of you in this pile also may struggle with sinus issues, tension headaches, possible migraines, general fatigue, and stomach issues of some kind. Know well that this situation will be ending with a sort of bang and luck is on your side. It's very likely that it's going to end in a way that you will be able to stomach or accept. It's looking positive for more of you than negative. You're being called to seek balance within you body and spirit and prepare yourself to digest whatever comes of this ending, whether it leads to a new beginning or closes out the cycle. I also feel that there might be someone having some pain in their right shoulder blade. Unclench your jaw and remember to breathe, because there will always be more to look forward to.

#kpop tarot #kpop readings #kpop predictions #kpac #pac reading #pick a card reading #pick a pile #tarot reading #free tarot readings

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theczar · 5 years

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Love, Life, & Love

So I know few people will read this (including one who is in this. Sorry) and even fewer will probably even care. But I havent done this awhile and need to just rant/scream into the void.

For those who care here is a bit of backstory about all this. So about a week and a half ago my best friend admitted she had feelings for me and I knew I had some for her as well and had for a while but didnt act because she was always in a relationship/married since I've known her so I knew it would go nowhere. Here is where it gets complicated, she is poly and I am beginning to discover if I am poly(?). Her husband on the other hand is monogamous. This has led to an intense 10 or so days where some are ok, some are bad, some are downright painful, and one was so amazing. Through this her husband has tried to accommodate the polyness which led to the fantastic day. But through it all it has hurt him. We have all been very open and honest about all our feelings and emotions and it's been a challenge to say the least. Now they are good and working through it and have come to the conclusion that if he were to be ok with the poly type relationship eventually it would take time.

Now that we have gotten the basics out of the way let get some stuff into the open. She is poly and very open to the idea of being with more than one person and I have been on a journey of self discovery from this and found I may be poly too or at least very open to the idea of it all. It has also been a challenge to learn more about how my feeling and her feelings work and how it has affected us. To explain a bit how mine work I only feel extremes and by that I mean no like or admire or adore it's only love, no anger or irritation or annoyed it's only rage and hate, no sadness or sorrow or despair it's only depression. And in learning this I have also learned that even these extremes have shades and a spectrum. For love since that is the topic here there are many types of love. There is the love of your family by blood, there is the love of your found family, there is the love of friendship, and then there is Love, the big L, the romantic and passionate one. What I discovered over this time is that the love I have for her is 3 of those. I have the love of a found family as she is a part of a group of friends I have found that supports each other and push each other to be better and has become some of my closest friends and a fantastic support system. I have the love of friendship as she is one of if not my best friend and makes me want to be better and work on myself to help fix my mental issues. But from this I learned I also Love her. She is fantastic and amazing and makes me a better person than I am and more times than not is the reason I have been able to fight through alot of my mental health problem just on my own. I believe the feelings are mutual as again we have been very open and honest about everything. She has also made me want to better myself and discover who I am and she has helped me realize that I had been lying to myself for a while that I was good and in an ok place mentally. I learned I am not good in fact I am barely holding myself together and had an anxiety attack and broke down but she was there and helped me back up and grounded me. She helped me discover my coping mechanisms were not good and made me want to fix and replace them. She makes me want to be better than I was. It reminds me of some lyrics from Eminem's Not Afraid:

"It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally

For you, so I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through"

And I know I am doing it to better myself but also because I learned how she feels watching me destroy myself and how she sees that it could affect any possible future relationship of any kind I am doing it for her. I dont want to hurt her and I dont want to be a part of any pain she feels.

Now heads up on this next part as it gets cheesy and emotional and probably gross I'm sorry in advance (and I'm sorry also but fair is fair). I have been over the last year or two become incredibly touch starved and have craved intimacy of any kind, platonic or otherwise. And lately I have had a desire/want/craving to touch her. I want to hold her tight and snuggle up under a blanket and watch movie marathons. I wand to hug her and rub circles on her back when she needs comfort. I want to hold her hand as we sit and talk or walk and gently rub my thumb on her hand. I want to just leave a gentle touch on her knee when we play d&d. I want to leave the softest and most tender touches on her skin as an expression of my Love for her. I want to touch and get to know every inch of her body and know what each part of her feels like. I want to lightly trace my fingers and kisses on her tattoos and any scars. I want to leave soft kisses along her neck and collar bone. I want to leave a reassuring kiss on her forehead so she knows I'm there. I want to know what her lips feel like with kisses. I want to get lost in her beautiful amazing eyes. I want the most intimate of touches and moments with her. I want her to know I will always be there for her no matter what happens and in one form or more I will always Love her. But even beyond that I want her to know how much I care and Love her. I want her to know everyday how amazing of a writer and artist and singer she is. I want her to know I Love everything about her from her passions to her flaws to her strength. I want her to know I Love her with every bit of myself. I want her to know to me I see perfection and not the nothing bad is there and it's perfect kind of perfection I mean the kind where she knows who she is and she is strong and kind and knows her damage and flaws but lives with it and grows from it. Because to me she is herself and I would never ask her to be anything else but that because every bit of her and who she is is perfect.

The scary thing right now about posting this is that I am putting into words the strength of my emotions that took me honestly to long to figure out. And that even with putting it to words they are going to be forever because the internet never forgets. But also this is my second draft since Tumblr lost my last one so the wording isn't as good as it could be. Honestly the scariest part is putting so much of myself right here in plain view kowing she will most likely read it all and worried that it will be to much and it will have screwed up the relationship I already had with my best friend and I would lose her and I dont think I could handle that.

#me #personal #stream of consious #Love #ramblings

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thiamfresh · 6 years

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Hey so hopefully you remember me!! (the I have lesbians chick) I recently started posting and writing fanfic mainly Thiam fics, do you have any advice on how to make my work better or just how to write something worth posting

1) I will never forget you.

2) everything and i mean fucking everything you ever goddamn write is worth posting, fuck anyone who says it isn’t.

3) I’m drunk and in love, please message me in the morning when i can type

3b) I kow you posed your first anic recently, i’ve been super depressed and haven’ got around o reading it but i’m also super excied to read it when i can see so like, please please keep doing wha t you’re doing and i will message you firs tthing tomorrow so we can tal about writing i swear

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pizzacatandlazerpuppies · 6 years

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hey i need some advice

so some time ago like a few months there was this guy i really hated he annoyed me and all that shit and for some reason i had him on snap hes like inlove with my bestfiend and they are super close :( but when he found out i was starting therapy he asked me why and we found out we were both struggling with the similar issues of opening up and showing our feelings and next thing you know one thing led to another and we found each other sexting and i had promised to keep it a secret but idk how his 2 best friends found out tbere was a secret and uhh i told them bc i trusted them with my life we were also good friends but ]they ended up telling him and it spread and long story short i hurt him so much and if you know me im a huge theater nerd and i want to become an actress and im in every school play. This happened about 2 weeks from the play and the guilt I felt was so intense there were a few days where I didnt want to get out of bed but what kept me going was the play and all the friends I loved who were in it with me. The night of our last show I got home and had a huge nervous breakdown because of thee intense guilt I felt combined with the big change from staying at school everyday having a reason to care and promise of envoyment e veryday and idk why it was so important to me the play to just doing nothing and the play being over with the guilt was to much and if you dont know this short term depression can be a symptom of a nervous breakdown and mine was so bad + the guilt i almost started cutting and I had a friend who knew this and everyday morning wuld text me to make me promise i didnt do it that day and everynight would make sure i didnt. Im so thankful for her. While the guilt has like toned down alittle its still unbearable. I dont know if i like him but now i know im supppperr acctracted to him. My best friend who then went on to date him not long after (props to her for being chill about the whole situation and knowing I questioned if i had feelings for him and props to him for fightig a whole year to get her and finally winning). I know that to both of us it was more then just sexting and if i didn tbreak his trust it would have probably developed to a relationship but now it never will i feel so guilty anyways they broke up like a month ago and i want to text him he told her knowing shed tell his answer that hed be willing to forgive me but i dont know i think he was lying I want to text him now and i want to get over the guilt that isnt as bad as it wasbut its worse then the one i had after my last breakup so idk anyone kow how i should approach him and how i can get over my guilt please i really needsome help with this

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spideycents · 6 years

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I wanna write this down, but I don’t want anyone to read it who shouldn’t so...

TRIGGER WARNING.

I had a bad weekend that was worse than I thought and I just need to talk about it so don’t read this if you suffer from depression.

I thought, for the most part, that everything was okay. They’d all agreed to be apart of a short film and we all met at my house and we were all kind of jittery excited. I kow that my mood started to dip pretty early n in the day cause someone said something and my brain started to spiral and I didn’t really get the chance to come back from that. I drifted away from the group when we went out and I didn’t talk much.

I knew things were getting bad that first night cause we couldn’t agree on anything, but I didn’t think we were arguing. I thought it was creative debating, like we were all bouncing ideas off each other, but I was getting confused and frustrated and overwhelmed and my energy was rubbing off on everyone. I had to escape to be by myself for a minute, but my sisters said they kept talking and trying ot rationalize what we could do and come up with a plan. I knew I wasn’t being as collaborative as I said, but I didn’t think I was rude. I thought I was just trying and failing to express what I thought the film should mean and what I thought should be expressed in the shots. Apparenly that’s not at all what happened and I’m thrown and hurt cause non one told me until yesterday.

I don’t get cues. I can’t read a room, I don’t understand people, I have no idea what their body language means or what’s going on inside their heads or what they’re feeling. I just have no idea. I don’t know anything. I especially don’t know when it’s my fault.

I knew wee were kind of having issues with one of our friends being ruder than normal and making snide comments about everyone when they thought they couldn’t hear, but after talking to anotherfriend about that, I feel like their words and accusations were also meant for me.

I emailed two of my closest friends, who were part of this weekend, about continuing the film and I guess I just expected them to say “sorry, but no” or “it’s not worth continuing.” They did tell me those thigs, but they also added more to them.

You know, it’s so hard to believe that someone “loves you to death” when they follow that with a paragraph about how badly you treated them and how awful you were to them. But, I can’t even be mad at them for writing those things, cause they’re right. I was awful and I don’t know how to come back from that.

I know that this it their first instance seeing me like that and they didn’t like it, but it’s not the first time people have told me these things. No one ever tells me them in the moment. No one ever tells me to stop. They always tell me later and it feels like I’ve been lied to.

But, I should’ve paid attention. I should’ve known what I was doing, how I was hurting them. I should’ve stopped myself.

I can’t stop thinking about and rereading their emails. I don’t know what todo with myself or with today, because I feel like I dont deserve to get out of bed.

This isn’t depression. This is I’m a really fucking shitty person and I’m tired of myself. Iw want to disappear.

Last night, I kept hoping my heartstrings would break and deform my heart or a vein in my head would burst and I’d just die. It wouldn’t be totally self inflicted and no one would report it as suicide. I’d just be gone.

But, I don’t want to die. I want to be a good person. I want to make people happy and make them laugh and be the person they want to talk to and want to spend time with because they really do love them. But I’m not that person and I’m afraid that I never will be because I never know when it’s going wrong and when it’s my fault.

I don’t know.

I needed to write this down cause I can’t talk to my friends about it cause they hate confrontation and I don’t want to talk to them right now because I’m afraid of losing them and I know that if I bring these thoughts to them, it’s going to push them away. I push everyone away. I’m so tired of people leaving, but I don’t know how to be someone they want to stick around for.

I’m sorry for writing this, or at least I’m sorry you read it. I’m gonna tag this saying don’t read it so you know that no one’s really meant to.This isn’t a cry for help or begging for attention. This is just me writign this down on my blog. I guess I could write it down in word, but I’ll know where to find it there. This will eventually be buried and it’ll disappear into the void.

Wow. I’m jealous of a random internet post.

Fuck.

Okay, I’m going. I just, I don’t know what to do.

Hey universe and powers that be, I’m sorry I fucked up. I’m sorry I keep fucking up. I’m sorry for all my future fuck ups.

I’m sorry.

#don't read this #please don't #i just needed to write it down #i put the warning just in case #anyway #i'm sorry #i'm really fucking sorry #i don't deserve thiss life #i don't deserve the opportunites i've gotten #i don't deserve my friends and family #i don't deserve any of this

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followed-by-chaos · 4 years

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waterishealthyforu1505 · 3 years

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I’m sad :<

Heloooo!! I sent a message to ‘’NANCY’’ that’s just a code name.. I asked if I could have another chance, but she said ‘’ I am happy and contented and comfortable, and it’s not gonna be the same anymore. I’ve given you so much chances but it didn’t work out’’ I cried the whole day... and never felt like this sad before. I was sad, I was depressed but, being sad wouldn’t stop me for trying the next time.. It didn’t go well but I know I could fix my friendship with her, maybe not now, or not ever but having faith is one of the good reasons you should keep trying... I tried asking for another chance, but of course she won’t give me a chance yet, cause it has been only 3 days.. Maybe in months I could try and asking for another chance.. The part that actually hurt was when she said ‘‘I know what I want and this is what I want, I’m gonna focus on myself first to free me from stress. I know it’s hard to accept AT THE END OF THE DAY WE NEED TO KOW, NOT EVERYONE’S GONNA STAY IN OUR LIFE FOREVER.’’ ‘‘ WHAT’S DONE IS DONE AND WHAT’S SAID IS SAID’‘ I cried my ass out, and told my self ‘’ I’ll never be friends with her again, there wont be a second chance, I have wasted the most amazing one last.. ONE LAST CHANCE that I’ve got. but, the end of the day I should still accept her decision, because, I still love her and she would always be in my heart without her knowing... -love, Aviationperson

#neverquit

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thatwheezingsoundthetardismakes · 6 years

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92 TRUTHS

I GOT TAGGED BY: the wonderful @alyaraneyite

🌙 LAST

Drink: water, probably. Reminds me of the fact I’m thirsty. Back in a sec! Phone call: (sipping orange juice now) my workplace to confirm I’d change my schedule to fill in for a sick colleague Song you listened to: Smile - David Gilmour Time you cried: When realising I’d lost my dream job for good

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: no Kissed someone and regretted it: eh Been depressed: not officially Been drunk and thrown up: no

🌙 IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yes Fallen out of love: no Met someone who changed you: everyone changes you, m’dear Found out who your true friends are: I more specifically found out who weren’t my true friends Found out someone was talking about you: see above

🌙 GENERAL

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: it’s growing lately. Six active ones, I think Do you have any pets?: yes! Three dogs, a cat and some chickens Do you want to change your name?: nope What time did you wake up this morning: 7am. And I don’t have work today. But they are breaking down a house next to us so yeah. What were you doing last night: Watching tv with my dad Something you cannot wait for: the start of the new F1 season (and also FACTS, but I didn’t want to steal @alyaraneyite‘s answer Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: yes and he’s a backstabber so fuck him What’s getting on your nerves right now: Not finding a better job Blood type: I have no idea honestly Nickname: Oh boy. Here we go. Fred, Fre, Freddie (all plays on my name), and then there’s Filiberke and Kulderzipke. Don’t ask why. Relationship status: happy Zodiac sign: capricorn Pronouns: he/him Favourite show: Doctor Who, De Ideale Wereld, Friends, Black Mirror, ‘Allo ‘Allo, Top Gear/The Grand Tour College: University College of Ghent (”HoGent”) Hair colour: dark brown Do you have a crush on someone: of course What do you like about yourself: that I try my best.

🌙 FIRSTS

First surgery: never had any! First piercing: none First sport you joined: again, none First vacation: the first I can remember was probably the Austrian Alps First pair of sneakers: who even remembers this?

🌙 RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing I’m about to: answer the next question Listening to: Rapper’s Delight - Sugarhill Gang Want kids: You know that gif of the Office? Steve Carell saying “No”? Insert here. Get married: I don’t kow yet. Career: I wish

🌙 WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes Hugs or kisses: Both? Both. Shorter or taller: shorter Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant Older or younger: I don’t care actually Romantic or spontaneous: both Sensitive or loud: sensitive Hookup or relationship: relationship

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: kinda Drank hard liquor: Nope Lost contacts/glasses: no Sex on first date: Never dated actually, so no Broken someone’s heart: Unfortunately Been arrested: no Turned someone down: yes

🌙 DO YOU BELIEVE

In yourself: I really try to Miracles: Not really. Make your own miracles. Love at first sight: I believe in attraction that can lead to love at first sight

I TAG: @satturnae, @lordmeowdemort, @milonelyangel, @why-should-i-make-a-username, @haszea, @thesupremeleaderofchaos, @sniffsbooks

#about me #tag game

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