#i am filled with anxiety and intense emotions all the time

[skxnnycig]

Tips & tricks✍🏻

Here is some tips i have found helpfull. Please be careful and listen to your body etc.

1. Melatonin for better sleep. Helps you with night cravings and helps avoiding binges at night. If you get nigthmares from it like i do, i suggest you to take only litte of it and some nighttime tea. (No caffeine)

2. Try to always eat warm soups. They really fill you up. If soups aren’t your thing, try very low calorie noodles. Also always drink the warm water that you boil them up with, makes you full fast. (Low calorie noodles = rice noodles example)

3. Try keeping yourself busy. tiktok etc. might keep you busy for an while but you are most likely to eat/overeat/b!nge at somepoint. Cleaning your house or familys house works like a charm for me.

4. If you hate sports or intense activity, go for an long walk. If you prefer staying inside do some indoor small workouts through out the day. (Or if you are able buy a walking mat or treadmill). But i strongly advise going outside for a walk cause it helps with mental health burdens like anxiety. (Even tho it doesn’t feel like it really does, i know believe me)

5. If you smoke, go outside for an walk with your cigs. You get some cardio and ease the hunger with excercising and cigs. I do not suggest anyone to start smoking, its not worth it but if you do, do it while walking.

6. Coffee is a hunger suppressant. Drink lots of coffee but try not drink any couple hours before planning to go to bed. Then you have even more trouble sleeping and might end up bing!ng. (If coffee isn’t your vibe, LOTS OF TEA)

7. It is HARD to avoid EATING if you live with your family or visit them very often. If you struggle saying no or you are forced to eat, try the cup method. If you don’t know it already i suggest you to learn how to do it by yourself alone to the point you can do it unnoticiable. Basically take a cup (not see trough one) and fill it with water. Drink it out fully or only a half whilist dinner. Then start sp!tting the food you have to eat in it slowly. If you have a see through cup, just try to tell people the food is so good and only eat some of it. After that say that you are full and will save it for later.

8. Avoid emotional eating if it has clearly advantage of you. Instead overeating while being flustered with all kinds of emotions, try to understand your feelings. Example ask yourself: ”why do i feel like this?”, ”Do i really need to feel this way over something?”, ”what i can do to avoid feeling like this in the future?” And literally unpack the emotions that you are feeling instead of numbing them with food. Helps a lot when you just stop and think.

If you feel so down and annoyed because you blood sugar is down, allow yourself to have something low cal. Fruit, one piece of candy or anything, you name it.

9. Minimize social pressure for eating. This is a hard one if you have lot of friends who like spending time in restaurants or etc. Easiest way is that YOU come up forward with ideas what to do together, this will give them a thought of doing something else than eating and most likely they will offer ideas that don’t involve eating.

(Or you could just go full bezerk and isolate, but i don’t recomend it. Made me loose my social skills and gave me anxiety)

10. You probably have heard about the tapping method. It has been getting a lot of popularity on tiktok. Basically you just tap your face and body on certain places and it might help you with cravings, overeating and anxiety. If i can be honest didn’t work the best for me but give it a shot, might work for you.

11. Now in summer to avoid passing out (my fav hobby lmao), drink lots of water with salt. Every bottle of water i mix it with just a pinch of salt to keep me from passing out. You can buy powered electrolytes to mix with your water too. I prefer just the salt to cause it’s cheaper and i am a cheapskate.

12. Form rituals or strict routines but learn how to adjust them if necessary. This is HIGLY IMPORTANT cause if you freak out at family dinner or etc. Over calories or not having something that you usually have for dinner will cause suspicion. That can slow you progress and make it even harder. By routines or rituals i mean by just eating certain foods. Those are yous safe foods and its just makes life easier if you always know what to buy from the store and what you will eat. Also saves time.

13. It is true that if you feel shit = you eat shit. Do lots of selfcare and b!inging isn’t selfcare remember that. Do something that you enjoy to make you feel good. You are most likely to stick on your diet if you are not feeling upset. Do your hair, dye your hair, do your nails, whatever that makes you feel apprieciated. Take care of yourself cause you are on right path to achieving something.

14. If you are faced with a situation that you don’t know how many calories are in your food. Do not panic, handle it in a right way. My personal tip is to always go higher on the calories you assume is in that food. Many foods have huge ammounts of hidden calories. This is how you are more likely to be close of guessing the calories you are eating and can make adjustments for that intake in the future. (Usually the next day, do a 24 hour fast exmp.)

15. If you feel like nothing is working and the weight isn’t coming off, do a detox. Or maybe try laxatives, you might be constipated. If the laxatives works, good but do not abuse them or you will fuck up your natural metabolism. Not fun, i promise you.

16. NOT RECOMMENDED but in a case of emergency only. If you have b!nged and you feel shit, try p!rging. But please try to do it in a way that you don’t be too rough for your body. Drink lots of water FAST and do your thing. If its hard for you to p!!rge, don’t over do it. Give yourself a break and be wiser next time. To help with the emotional rollercoaster after overeating do something to distract yourself. Plan your next day in a way that you can minimize the damage from tha calories and avoid doing it a again.

17. Motivation & disicpline. This is also important but first look it up to know the difference between them to understand them and yourself better. My advice is to really think ”why”, ”how”, ”what for” and ”what after”. I suggest you to forget other people, you are doing this for YOURSELF and not for others. I know it is TEMPTING to think that ”omg when they see me when im at my goal weight, they go crazyy!!” But for real that won’t keep your motivation spike up for too long. This is new you & this is for you. Work on your discipline too by doing even small things you promised to do even tho you didn’t necessarily want to or feel like it.

18. To help with cravings eat ice cubes, warm soups, drink lots of warm water, fruits, bubblegum. Nicotine, caffeine etc. Or if you are gonna eat a full meal, prepare it yourself. While you are cooking the craving might go off and you can save the food or if it doesn’t you will eat something that you know how much calories it has.

19. Stomach growling, annoying asf. Try eating bites of ginger and drink lots of water. You can also mix them together if you like. Bubblegum doen’t help me sadly and just gives me stomach ache so thats why i like ginger and water. Energy drinks & coffee works too. To avoid embarassing moments carry a low cal protein bar always with you. For me they work fast and stops the growling. Try different options beforehand at home for a fast snack and see whats works for you the best.

20. Fat burners might give you a boost. They have lots of side effects including: damaging your liver, giving stomach pains etc. So be carefull if using them. There are some options of fat burners that reduce your appetite too. If you can’t use them or buy them, try other alternatives for fat burning. Ginger, ashagwanda, tea, coffee, berries, bell pepper, cinnamon, spicy foods, protein powder & drinks (keep them low cal tho) and oats.

🫶🏻 - Be safe yall & enjoy your day, you are going forward - 🫶🏻

Edit: lmao sorry for bad writing, i have dyslexia 💀

#4norexla #4nerex1a #@na vent #@na motivation #@nor3×14 #thinspø #@n@ buddy #@n@ diary #@na rules #ed relapse #ed but not ed sheeran #tw ed sheeran #tw ed but not sheeran #ed ednotsheeran restriction #i need to lose so much weight #@nor3xia #@tw edd #@na buddy #@n@ tips #light as a feather #light as a 🪶 #💡as a 🪶 #💡 as a feather #fat piggy

[projectionistwrites]

FOR SCIENCE | SUBJECT 3

In which the Moon Knight alter system presents a unique opportunity to settle the nature versus nurture debate, once and for all...

Jake Lockley x afab!psychologist!reader (13.0k+)

RATING: EXPLICIT (18+, mdni) WARNINGS: fetishization of mental disorders (DID), psychoanalysis, potentially unethical scientific practices, SMUT (dom/sub dynamics, fingering, oral (f! and m!receiving), unprotected p in v sex, doggystyle, spanking, mean!Jake, degradation, dacryphilia, daddy/papi kink, cum eating, creampie, soft sex, needy/touch-starved!Jake, praise kink, dirty talk), lots of spanish NOTES: jake lockley deserves so much love. this was hard to write, i had so much i wanted to put into this chapter and i hope it all came through okay. also, i am not a native spanish speaker, but i worked really hard to make sure all of my conjugations/phrases were correct, but still, feel free to correct me! this is the final case study installment of this series, there will be one final concluding chapter (+ potentially a bonus part bc i’m feeling generous) DISCLAIMER: although i’m incredibly knowledgeable about psychology, i am NOT a professional. all psychoanalyses made throughout the course of this storyline are entirely my own, based on my own interpretations of the characters. in a similar vein, i am also not an expert on DID specifically (although i am well-read on mental disorders and diagnoses), so i apologize for any incorrect terminology or misrepresentation. don’t hesitate to call me out if i say something wrong!

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CASE STUDY: JAKE LOCKLEY

ROLE IN COGNITIVE SYSTEM: Protector

ATTACHMENT STYLE: Dismissive

CHARACTERISTICS: volatile, tenacious, arrogant, cunning, reticent; a true adrenaline junkie (engages in risky behavior in an attempt to fill his emotional deficit with a brief but intense adrenaline rush); extremely autonomous.

SPLIT FROM HOST: ??? currently unknown/unconfirmed (predicted to have emerged as a result of some feeling of physical inadequacy or repeated threats to safety; may potentially trace back to host's service in the military).

TRAUMA RESPONSE: thinks every hill is one to die on; unwilling to compromise or make sacrifices in fear of revealing vulnerability; maintains face no matter the consequence.

SEXUAL PRESENTATION: demanding, excitable, impetuous, unapologetic, aggressive; unafraid to take what he wants, but uncomfortable with affection.

Your heart was picking up speed as you knocked loudly against the door for the fifth time.

Surely he was inside. Where the hell else would he be? You’d texted with him just hours before—well, technically not Jake, since he refused to use a phone, but Marc—confirming that you were still good for your previously scheduled arrangement. Had he changed his mind? Did something happen?

Your anxiety got the better of you as you fished around in your jacket pocket to pull out your keyring. Steven had given you a copy of the key to their flat in case you ever needed it, or if you wanted to come over before he got home from work. You had yet to actually use it, but you figured this constituted as enough of an emergency to warrant your uninvited entrance.

You clumsily slipped the brass into the keyhole and jiggled it, twisting it until you heard the click of the lock. You silently prayed that Jake—or whoever was fronting—hadn’t engaged any of the other locks on the door that could only be unhinged from the inside. Fortunately for you, the knob twisted and the door swung open with ease, revealing the familiarity of the flat within.

It was... quiet. Not eerily so, but enough to make you proceed with caution. Everything appeared to be in order, undisturbed and in its place, but still, you felt a sense of uneasiness crawl up your spine.

You weren’t a stranger to the feeling, though. You often felt this way when you were in the company of Jake. You enjoyed his presence, and wanted to get to know him better, but still, he was unpredictable and volatile—you never knew what to expect when he was fronting. You couldn’t read him as well as the other two alters, and as someone who had an affinity for picking up on unspoken emotional cues, you weren't particularly fond of the element of surprise.

You heard a low buzz from somewhere off to your right, and as the door clicked shut behind you, you wandered towards the source of the noise on the other side of the apartment. As you grew closer, you recognized the previously indiscernible sound—humming.

“...Jake?”

You called out softly, and just as rounded the edge of the bookshelf that separated the living space from the bedroom, the door to the bathroom flew open.

The man in question strolled through the doorway, steam billowing behind him, whistling to himself, but he froze when he saw you standing before him. He quickly recovered from his initial shock, however.

“Bebita. Looks like you need to work on your patience.”

He teased, and you felt your mouth run dry as you took in his appearance. He’d clearly just finished up in the shower—there were still droplets of water rolling down his shoulders and the toned skin of his chest and abdomen, trailing southbound where a white towel hung lowly on his hips. You could see the dark hair of his happy trail against his navel, the towel very loosely covering his modesty. His hair was wet and tussled, curls falling across his forehead, and you’d be lying if you said this wasn’t one of the most attractive sights you’d ever seen in your life.

Much to your chagrin, he seemed to pick up on the effect that his appearance had on you. You watched as his lips curled into a devilish grin, staring at you with a depraved look in his deep brown eyes that only Jake was capable of.

“Why—Why didn’t you answer the door?”

Your voice wavered slightly, betraying you in your attempt to appear collected. His head tilted slightly in question.

“Because...I was in the shower.”

Oh. Right.

You swallowed, lips downturned into a small frown, suddenly feeling sheepish at your previous concern for his safety. However, your focus returned to Jake as he slinked forward, taking a few slow, deliberate steps in your direction.

“You’re blushing, mi vida. Am I making you nervous?”

You unconsciously shook your head at his question, although you could feel your heart racing in your chest as he drew closer to you.

“No? Hm, that’s a shame. I could’ve sworn I saw you staring at my cock.”

He paused when only a foot and a half remained between you, and you felt your face grow even redder at his statement. As much as you tried to resist, as much as you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction, your gaze involuntarily flickered down to glance at his crotch—you could see the outline of his hardening member through the soft material of the towel, more prominent than it had been even a few seconds prior.

A dark chuckle escaped him, and you forced your gaze back onto his face. He was grinning wickedly, gazing at you with a carnal gleam in his eye.

“Está bien, bebita. I know how much you like it. That’s why you rushed in here, isn’t it? Didn’t want to wait for papi’s cock any longer?”

Your breath hitched in your throat. Your jaw fell slack at the nickname he assigned to himself—you felt your knees grow weak. Just as you’d said—unpredictable. You certainly hadn’t expected that.

But fuck, you really liked it.

His smirk turned into a toothy grin as he observed your reaction to his taunt. One more step towards you and you were only a short distance apart. You could see moisture congregating in the divot of his collarbone, and you desperately wanted to lick at the pooled water.

“Are you going to be good for me, bebita?”

You nodded dumbly at him, any cohesive thought escaping from your brain as all you could perceive was Jake, Jake, Jake. He parroted your senseless nodding, mocking you condescendingly. Without another word, he dropped the towel from his waist and it pooled around his ankles, exposing his fully-erect member to your sight, and you swooned.

His tongue traced over his lower lip sensually, looking at you through hooded eyes. A shadow crossed his face as his mouth contorted into a sneer.

“Get on your knees.”

You obeyed before you even consciously processed the command, collapsing onto your knees before him, your abrupt fall cushioned by his discarded towel. Your mouth watered as you became eye-level with the hardness of his cock, the vein beneath the underside of his shaft just begging for your attention. You resisted, instead opting to stare up at Jake’s face expectantly, awaiting further instruction. It was clear to you that he liked to be in control.

He smirked at your complacency, his hand reaching up to lazily stroke his cock a few times, watching the way your eyes followed the movement of his hands with laser focus, your lips slightly parted in anticipation. He tilted his hips forward and slapped your cheeks with the ruddy head of his cock a few times, and you whimpered at the action, eyes squeezed shut tightly with restraint.

“Stick out your tongue for me, bebita.”

You obliged, opening your mouth wide and letting your tongue loll out past your lips. He tapped his length against the slick muscle, and you savored the familiar tang of his precum on your tastebuds as he pulled back to fist at his cock again. You whined as he withdrew from you, but he just tutted at you condescendingly, slapping your cheek once more with his member.

“Oh, pobrecita. You want papi to let you play with his cock?”

You nodded feverishly, staring up at him through your lashes, doe-eyed. He pouted his lip out in a look of mock pity before removing his hand from his length.

“Go on, then, bebita.”

You lurched forward, your tongue flexing to lick a long stripe on the underside of his cock, tracing the jagged vein that had enticed you earlier. He hummed at the action, watching as you eagerly lifted your hands to begin slowly pumping the velvety skin of his shaft, your lips suctioning around the flushed tip and tongue dipping into the slit. A low groan rumbled deep within his chest as you bobbed your head, eyes never leaving his face as you studied each reaction he had to your movements.

“There you go, mi vida. So good for papi.”

You moaned around his cock at the repeated use of the title, and he chuckled at your obvious approval, one hand finally reaching up to card through your hair as you continued to work more of his length into your mouth.

“You gonna let papi fuck your pretty little mouth, hm?”

He pulled his hips back, removing his member from your touch and you gasped in a breath. You nodded in response to his question, opening your mouth expectantly, and he all but laughed at your eagerness.

“You want it bad, huh, bebita? You gonna ask nicely?”

“Please, papi.”

The word sounded foreign on your tongue, but your discomfort melted away when you saw Jake’s cock jump at the sound of your desperate pleading and he threw his head back in satisfaction.

“Please, fuck my face. Want to feel you in my throat. Please.”

He seemed satisfied with your begging as he wrapped both of his hands in your hair, tilting your head upward and guiding your towards his awaiting length. When your hands reached up to rest on his thighs, he pulled back, hissing at you.

“No, mi vida. Hands behind your back. Don’t make me tell you again.”

You clasped your hands behind yourself obediently, opening your mouth again, and you finally felt the fat tip of his cock rest against your tongue.

You practically choked when he harshly thrusted into your mouth, sinking nearly his entire length into your throat without warning. Before you could even recover, he was pulling back and repeating the motion, not giving you any time to adjust to the intrusion or ease you into a rhythm. You gagged unceremoniously as he fucked your face with reckless abandon, so you tried to slacken your jaw and just take it.

“Look at you, mi llorica. So beautiful when you cry for me, with my cock in your mouth.”

You could barely see him through the blur of tears as they rolled down your cheeks, mixing with the saliva that was foaming around your lips and dribbling down your chin. He picked up his pace, grunting with each motion, the head of his cock bruising the back of your throat with every forward thrust. He was guiding your head forward and backward in time with his movements, successfully burying himself into your face.

“You want me to cum down your throat, bebita? Going to take everything papi gives you?”

You garbled around his length as his balls slapped against your chin, and you felt his cock throb on your tongue as he sheathed himself completely inside of you, growling out your name as he shot his load as deep into your throat as he could. Still, he challenged you more, forcing himself further and further down your throat with each spurt of cum that he released, your nose smushed against his pubic bone as you swallowed around him, trying with all of your might to prevent yourself from gagging and ruining his orgasm.

With a satisfied groan, he slowly pulled his spent member from your mouth, and you gasped harshly, sucking in a deep breath of air and finally allowing the muscles of your neck to relax. There was a soreness lingering in the back of your throat, but you relished in the feeling as you wiped the mix of spit and tears from your face with the back of your hand, staring up at the fucked-out expression that Jake offered you.

“Did so well for me, bebita. What do you say to papi?”

There was an edge to his tone, his domineering persona not faltering for even a second as your scratchy voice responded accordingly.

“Thank you, papi.”

He nodded at you approvingly, watching as you blinked up at him expectantly. He was pleasantly surprised at just how quickly you’d fallen into submission—he thought he might have to coax you into cooperating with him, but it was clear to him that you were eager to please, your eyes glistening with residual tears from one of the best goddamned blowjobs he’d ever had in his life.

He leaned down and clasped his hands on your shoulders, yanking you to your feet without a word. You saw his eyes flicker down to your swollen, spit-soaked lips, but his gaze was hard as he took a step away from you, as if to resist the temptation to kiss you.

“Strip. Hands and knees, on the bed for me. Now, bebita.”

You didn’t protest as you hastily heeded his words, shedding your layers of clothing and tossing them to the floor before you scampered back towards the bed, crawling to your hands and knees in the center, head facing towards the pillows. You could hear Jake creeping up behind you, but you resisted the urge to turn your head and follow his movements, opting instead to squeeze your eyes shut and wait.

You weren’t afraid of Jake. Of course you weren’t. You knew he’d never hurt you—not unless you wanted him to. Nonetheless, you knew what he was capable of—actually, that was the thing. You didn’t know what he was capable of, but still, you could see the thinly-veiled chaos that swirled behind his coffee-colored irises, could sense the firm restraint he forced upon himself when he was around you, holding some unnamed beast at bay on your behalf. It scared you, but also sparked something inside of you—a primitive, savage excitement as he stalked you like his prey. Was it wrong if you secretly hoped he’d unleash the mayhem that resided within him, let himself go? God only knows the man deserved an outlet in which to channel his frustrations.

You felt the mattress dip down behind you, Jake kneeling on the bed behind your bowed position—your nerves spiked at the vulnerability you displayed, exposed as you practically felt his eyes tear through your body with crazed, wanton desire.

You were surprised to feel a soft caress on your hips, his rough fingers delicately ghosting over the supple skin on your waist. It was comforting, soothing, and surprising—a needed reassurance under his scrutinizing gaze. You felt his lips brush softly against the tender flesh of your left buttock, and you relaxed slightly, letting yourself sink down to your forearms but keeping your ass raised with the arching of your back.

“Are you ready, mi vida?”

He asked quietly, and you managed to squeak out a small ‘yes’ before sinking further into the bed and shifting your hips backs toward him in anticipation. He chuckled at your obvious eagerness, greedy for his touch, and you startled when his tender hold on your hips tightened into a bruising grip, the soft press of his lip to your left asscheek morphing until he was sinking his teeth into the flesh with a playful nip.

You yelped at the abrupt shift in demeanor, the sound earning you a sharp smack to your other cheek, his palm quickly rubbing the afflicted area to soothe the lingering sting of his spanking. You pressed your forehead into the sheet beneath you, your legs beginning to quiver with desperation.

“You’re going to stay like this, and take what I give you. Don’t move. ¿Vale, bebita?”

You nodded, but were met with another harsh swat on your backside at your lack of a verbal confirmation.

“Yes! Okay, papi, okay. Just—please.”

You were practically dripping onto the mattress beneath you, your arousal slickening your needy cunt as you desperately sought out any stimulation.

The pads of his fingers experimentally swiped through your folds without warning, and you jolted, involuntarily pushing your hips back to follow the withdrawal of his touch. Another firm slap against your opposite asscheek, a whimper escaping your lips as he scolded you.

“Stay still, bebita. Stop squirming.”

His order briefly brought you back to your first time with Marc, who had requested the same thing, but the words felt heavier when they were uttered by Jake—you knew he wouldn’t hesitate to find a way to make you comply.

When his fingers made contact with your core again, you clenched your muscles, forcing yourself to remain completely motionless, and you were rewarded with the tip of his digit just barely skimming over your clit. You whined at the sensation, but held your position.

Jake was pleased with your cooperation, but you couldn’t help but quake when you felt his tongue sweep through your folds to taste you. The spank he offered was softer, taking pity on you as he leaned forward and fully sank his mouth into your awaiting cunt. You mewled, fingers twisting into the fabric of the sheets beneath you and fisting at them tightly in an effort to keep still.

He was moaning shamelessly into your sex, his method tactless, sloppy and rushed. His movements weren’t practiced and deliberate like Marc’s, nor careful and precise like Steven’s—no, Jake was eating you out like a man starved, greedily mouthing at every part of you and reveling in the sounds that escaped your lips.

His hand lifted and he sank two fingers into your entrance, curling them forward frantically as his mouth latched onto your clit. He was working you to your orgasm quickly, hurriedly, desperate to feel you clamp down around him and cry out his name.

Your thighs were beginning to tremble. He must’ve sensed you were close, because he doubled his efforts, the vibrations from his growling buzzing through your flesh and pushing you over the precipice. On its own accord, your body lurched back towards him, your cunt grinding back against his face as your eyes rolled, your walls contracting around his digits and your juices leaking onto his awaiting tongue.

You felt dizzy, faint, your efforts to hold yourself upright through your climax exhausted you, and when you came down from your intense high, you felt Jake draw himself away from you, slow and intimidating. You felt your pulse spike as you awaited whatever came next. His large hand caressed your ass, gently smoothing over your soft flesh in back-and-forth motions.

“Sabe a miel, bebita. Such a pretty little pussy.”

His touch on your skin halted, and you felt his body lean over your back, his lips coming to brush against the nape of your neck.

“But you didn’t follow my instructions, pobrecita. You need to learn how to listen.”

You cried out when his hand swatted at your abused clit, your body jumping at the painful sensation in an attempt to escape his cruel attack. You felt one arm snake beneath your stomach to hold you upright, his forearm pressing your hips back towards him and keeping you there.

“I let you cum, even after you moved when I told you not to. Do you like being a brat, hm?”

You shook your head—another smack to your cunt, and you whimpered.

“No! No, m’sorry, papi, I—”

“Don’t you think I’ve been generous? Spoiling you? And still, you’re ungrateful, bebita.”

Your body flinched in preparation for the next blow, but instead, you felt his lips tenderly brush a kiss to the flesh of your ass.

“Compórtate. I think I need to teach you how to mind your manners.”

He slapped your ass again, harder than before, and you could feel the lingering sting forming a welt across your skin. He hummed.

“What do you say to papi, hm? For being so good to you?”

“Thank you, papi.”

You whimpered, tears starting to dampen the sheets beneath your face. Your appreciation earned you a soothing hand across the flesh he'd just struck.

“That’s right. Five more times, bebita.”

You sobbed in protest, body trying to pull away from him, but his arm wrapped around your torso forced you into place. He cooed at you.

“It’s okay, pobrecita. You’re going to say thank you after every single one, and then papi will fuck you. ¿Sí?”

He didn’t wait for your response. He smacked your clit, the sting burning its way through your lower belly. You choked back another sob.

“Th—thank you, papi.”

You stuttered, voice barely audible from where your cheek was smushed into the bedding, but Jake took pity on you. Two, three, four more times—the final blow landed sharply against your cunt, and you whimpered out your gratitude, eyes squeezed shut tight and your lip starting to freckle with blood from where you’d held it between your teeth.

He placed gentle kisses on your lower back, your ass, as far as he could reach, his arm still supporting your weight while the other came to softly smooth over your hip. Your mind was cloudy, your body completely surrendering to Jake’s will as you descended into subspace, clinging to his approval.

“You want my cock, mi vida?”

He asked gruffly, and you could feel his hardened length prod against your behind as he leaned further over you to press more kisses on your shoulders. You whined.

“Yes, papi, please, want you inside me, please—”

He shushed you calmly, sitting back to kneel behind you. He lifted your hips higher in the air with his arm, and you felt the flushed head of his cock brush across your soaked folds once, then twice. You mewled.

Without warning, Jake sank into you, bottoming out with one harsh stroke as his balls pressed against your puffy clit. You cried out, legs turning to jelly and giving out from beneath you, but he held you upright, keeping you stable in his arms.

“Mierda. Your little cunt is swallowing me, bebita.”

He withdrew slowly, and you could feel each ridge of his length as he pulled out until just the tip remained. Even though you braced yourself, you couldn’t prepare for the way he slammed back into you, his pelvis flush against your tailbone as you cried, pleasure sparking at the bottom of your spine in spite of the pain.

Jake’s pace was relentless, unforgiving, hips snapping forward over and over, the sound of skin slapping skin drowned out by your pathetic sobbing as your walls throbbed around his member. His teeth were bared as he railed into you, intently watching the place his cock was splitting you open.

“Carajo, you’re squeezing me so tight—going to cum for you, bebita.”

He practically growled as he speared you, and another orgasm was ripped from you with a particularly harsh thrust of his hips. Your cunt clamped down around him as he let out a long, low whine, hips stuttering at the sensation.

He let you collapse into the bed as he began frantically jerking his cock, pulling out of you just in time to shoot his load all across the reddening flesh of your ass. He let out a series of grunts, coupled with Spanglish expletives as he thrusted into his fist, his head thrown back in bliss. You felt globs of his hot spend settle onto your skin, streaking your backside with his seed as he panted above you, falling back onto his heels as he drank in the aftermath of his intense orgasm that was now painting your skin.

The moments that followed blurred together as you drifted aimlessly in the wakes of your pleasure, eyes fluttering in their attempt to keep you awake. Jake left you for several minutes, the absence of his body heat making goosebumps erupt across your skin, but you were too exhausted to move.

When he finally returned, you felt him softly dab the remnants of his ejaculate from your back before he gently shifted you onto your back, tucking an arm beneath your knees and the other around your shoulders as he hoisted you into the air. You whimpered slightly at the soreness in your muscles, your head falling limp against his bare shoulder as he carried you off. You weren’t consciously aware of your surroundings, but the sensation of warm water surrounding you helped ease the ache in your bones and clear the haze that had overtaken your mind. Jake gently lowered you into the bathtub, carefully tilting your head back to rest against the ceramic edge as you let out a relieved sigh, sinking into the welcoming heat of the water.

You felt as if you’d only blinked when you awoke, the water around you now lukewarm and the candle that had been burning beside you melted to the wick. You shifted yourself upward, hissing slightly at the soreness in your thighs, but you forced yourself to stand and exit the tub.

Silence surrounded you as you leaned to pull the plug from the drain before you noticed the plush white towel that had been folded neatly and left on the lid of the toilet for you. You gratefully reached it and wrapped it around your body, noticing the pruning of your fingertips.

How long had you been asleep?

You tentatively creaked open the bathroom door and peered outside into the apartment. It was dark, and empty, for all you could see, and you took a few cautious steps out into the room.

“Jake?”

You said softly, your soft call sounding much too loud in the quiet of the space. You proceeded forward towards the bed, shrouded only in light from the single lamp that was lit from across the way. Your clothes had been folded neatly and left in a pile at the foot of the bed, and you saw a small piece of paper settled on top. A note.

You picked it up and scanned it over once, then twice. You could tell this was Jake’s handwriting—it was a messy scrawl with an evident slant, the letters each written harshly with sharp lines. It was different from Steven’s languid scribbling, his words swirling together with smooth, clean strokes, and also from Marc’s, whose blocky penmanship was unmistakable. You couldn’t marvel at the fact that all three alters had markedly distinct handwriting, though, too focused on the content of the message to give it a second thought.

Went out for a drive Text when you get home See you tomorrow.

JAKE

You frowned slightly, heart feeling heavy in your chest as you forced yourself into your clothes. You checked the time—11:28. You’d conked out for nearly two hours, and you wondered how long ago Jake had stepped out. Was he waiting for your text in order to come back home? Waiting for you to leave so he didn’t have to see you?

You had absolutely no right to be upset, you knew. You should be grateful that he was sticking to his ordinary routine after your sexual encounter in honor of your experiment, but still, a pang of hurt bloomed in your chest. You briefly returned to the bathroom to blow out the flickering lavender candle before heading out the door, your legs wobbly as you trekked the two blocks back to your own apartment.

It was nearly midnight when you finally got home. You reached for your phone and shot the boys a brief message.

made it back safely x

A response came in barely thirty seconds later.

I'm so sorry Y/N He shouldn't have done this to you M

You fell into your bed immediately, eyes skimming Marc’s words, your lips pursing slightly. You let out a long sigh before typing your reply.

it's ok marc, i promise he didn’t do anything wrong i had a nice bath! :) tell jake i said goodnight xx

You connected your phone to the charger before setting it on the nightstand, quickly turning over and sinking into your pillow, trying to ignore the tears that were stinging the back of your eyes.

Your phone buzzed with a final message.

Sleep well baby Hope you give him hell tomorrow M

POINTS OF CONTENTION:

- slowing down

- embracing vulnerability and confiding in others

- accepting intimacy and allowing raw emotion

TREATMENT: - patience, foreplay - allowing himself to feel - aftercare (!)

You were, in fact, not going to give him Hell. Just the opposite, actually.

Jake spent too much of his time letting his demons possess him. Perhaps he needed a little taste of Heaven to show him what he's missing.

“Hi, Jake.”

You greeted shyly when the door swung inward. He leaned against the doorframe slightly, looking at you down the length of his nose. He didn’t say anything—just watched you. Studied you. Observing. After a few brief moments, you cleared your throat.

“Can I—uh, can I come in?”

A beat passed before he finally sidled back into the apartment, opening the door just enough to let you slip inside. Your side brushed against his front when you passed him, and the lingering smell of cigarette smoke clung to his white shirt. Oh, Steven would be livid.

You didn’t wait for an invitation before plopping down on one end of the sofa. Jake quirked a brow at your forwardness, and you signaled with the jerk of your head for him to join you on the other end. He offered a slow, dramatic roll of his eyes before seating himself beside you.

“What time did you get home last night?”

You asked quietly, fiddling with the hem of your shirt as you avoided his gaze. He breathed out a slow breath.

“Not too late. Hardly slept, though—your boyfriend wasn’t very happy with me. Kept me up all night, nagging at me.”

You frowned, finally noticing the deep purplish bags that had settled beneath his eyes. His curls were spilling out from beneath the brim of his flat cap.

“I’m sorry, Jake. Marc isn’t s’posed to be bothering you—it’s your weekend.”

He waved a dismissive hand, turning to settle further into the couch as he stared at some point straight ahead of him.

“No pasa nada. I’m used to it.”

He shifted in his seat slightly, his brows furrowing, and you could tell that he was receiving an earful from Marc.

“I’m—I guess I’m sorry, mi vida, if I upset you.”

You shook your head derisively.

“No, Jake, it’s—you’re fine. That’s what I asked you to do—treat me like any other girl.”

He let out a humorless bark of a laugh, knuckles rubbing over the stubbled skin of his jaw.

“Any other girl wouldn’t have gotten to see my bed, bebita.”

He noticed the perplexed look on your face and offered a sigh.

“It’s not...often, that I sleep with anyone like this. Usually it’s in the back of my cab, or a quick one in a closet—tienes suerte, mi vida. It’s rare they ever see me a second time.”

You felt a deep sadness wash over you at his confession. All Jake knew were rushed, meaningless hookups, no strings attached and no obligations. One and done.

“Is that why you didn’t kiss me, yesterday?”

Jake looked startled by your question, eyes widening marginally as his brows furrowed deeply. His lips set into a straight line, his jaw clenching tightly.

“I did kiss you. A lot.”

He insisted softly. You shook your head.

“No, Jake. A real kiss. You wouldn’t do it. Are—Is that not usually a part of your... you know?”

His knee began anxiously bouncing, his discomfort making itself evident to you.

“No sé. Never really thought about it before.”

You stood from the couch, and his stare followed your movements sharply as you crossed the short distance between you, stepping forward to stand between his spread legs. He looked up at you with dark, brooding eyes, uncertainty churning just beneath the surface. You slowly moved to sit on his lap, your thighs slotting on either side of his hips so you were straddling him. His hands mindlessly settled on your waist, his touch timid and delicate. Your fingers smoothed over his chest as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

“Can I kiss you, Jake?”

His lips silently parted, a flash of fear briefly flickering over his features as he gazed up at you longingly. His nervousness was palpable, his hesitancy evident through the tension in his shoulders and the crease between his brow. He didn’t offer you a response, so you carefully began leaning your face towards him, tilting your head so your nose brushed against his. You felt his stuttering exhale fan out across your face before you finally let your lips brush over his own.

It was soft, and tentative, as if he was unsure of how to respond or worried he would somehow break you. You pressed your mouth a bit firmer to his, melding against him. You wished, hoped he could feel all your emotions come through the kiss—how much you cared for him, how much you wanted to show him that. Maybe your manifestation worked, because after his few fleeting seconds of unresponsiveness, you felt him sink into the feeling, one arm traveling from your waist up your back to cradle the back of your head in his hand.

He shifted beneath you, trying to pull you closer, as if you weren’t already on top of him. You could feel the stiffness vacate his muscles as the kiss grew feverish, desperate, his lips moving against yours hastily and messily. His free hand began to roam the expanse of your back as he pressed his torso into your own, your nose smushing against his cheek as he gripped you tighter.

He whined when your tongue swiped across the seam of his mouth, his lips immediately parting to allow you access. You dove in to taste him, the stale tobacco and faint mint of his toothpaste overtaking your senses and inebriating you with the distinctive flavor of Jake. His own tongue began to tussle with yours as he mirrored your actions, your teeth clashing messily as he all but tried to swallow you whole.

You pulled back abruptly, gasping in a breath, and his mouth chased yours in a frantic attempt to maintain contact. You felt his hips instinctually rut up against you, his hands still pulling you tightly against his body as he nuzzled into your neck, inhaling the scent of your soft skin.

“Slow down, Jake, take it easy.”

You placed both of your hands on either one of his shoulders and forced him to relax against the couch, his body following your guidance as he sank backwards at your request. His eyes were practically crazed, his lips swollen and ruddy as he looked up at you with a half-lidded gaze, chest heaving with panted breaths.

“Oh, hermosa.”

His muttered, his grip pulling you back to his chest as he surged forward to hungrily meet your lips again, his hands beginning to claw over every inch of your body he could reach, trying to feel all of you. You pushed him away again, more forcefully this time, and he fell backwards with a grunt.

“Hey, relax. It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

A flicker of sadness glinted briefly in his dark eyes, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it expression, but you caught it. You offered him a soft, assuring smile, grabbing the hat from his head and tossing it to the side so you could sink your fingers into his hair. He leaned back into your touch as your nails gently scratched at his scalp, a soft, breathless moan breaking from his lips as his eyes fell shut. You leaned forward and pressed a single kiss to the exposed skin of his throat.

“Come on, handsome.”

He was reluctant to loosen his hold on you, but you reached for his hand and clutched his fingers tightly so he could still feel you touching him somewhere. You led him over to the bed, pausing at the foot of it and gesturing with a nod of your head for him to lay down. He quirked a brow at you, lips curling into a mischievous grin.

“You going to punish me for being so hard on you yesterday, bebita?”

You weren’t oblivious to the excitement that shone in his eyes—he seemed enticed by the possibility of you torturing him in a similar vein to Marc, and you figured that was some information you could keep in your back pocket for future reference.

Instead, you let out a saccharine giggle—it was sickeningly sweet, cloyingly so, and Jake might’ve gotten a toothache from the sugar if it weren’t for the softness with which you crept over his splayed-out body, sinking your front against his as you pressed a featherlight peck on his lips.

“No, Jake. Nothing like that.”

You let your weight settle onto him, straddling his lap and letting your chest fall flush against his as you kissed him again—he mouthed at you hungrily, trying to force his tongue into your mouth, fighting for dominance, and you gently pulled away.

“Hey, tough guy. What’s your rush?”

His brows furrowed, gaze flickering from your eyes and down to your dewy lips, his pupils blown wide. You smiled sweetly at him.

“Slow down, okay? There’s no hurry, really. Let me just feel you.”

He blew out a huff of air before your lips were on his again, and he heeded your request, letting you take the lead as your poured all of your passion into the kiss. It was slow, deep, intimate, your fingers sliding beneath the hem of his shirt and across the hot skin of his torso, pushing the material up as you went. You slowly drew back to discard the article of clothing before immediately latching your mouth to his, slow movements still heavy and dripping with desire. You finally parted his lips with the swipe of your tongue, and you felt his fingers sink into your hair, tilting his head for a better angle with which to lavish you.

You could feel him getting greedier as he pressed his body up into your warmth, hands sliding down the expanse of your back and making a move to rip your shirt from your body. You pulled back suddenly, giving him a warning look.

“Hey. Slow.”

You reminded, and he stuttered out an exhale, his fingers gradually raising your shirt above your head as he tossed it to the side. His eyes ravished your body as his fingers traced along the newly exposed skin of your sides, his touch softly skimming your curves before coming up to cup at your breasts. You smiled sweetly down at him as he pressed a few fervent kisses to your collarbone. His dark eyes found yours, lips parted provocatively as he silently asked for your permission. You nodded gently, and his fingers trembled with restraint as he slowly reached around to unclasp your bra.

It was taking everything within his power not to flip you over and pound into you, but something about the look in your eye—reverent, devoted, loving—he didn’t mind too much.

When your breasts exposed themselves to him, he made a low rumbling noise from the back of his throat, leaning forward to latch onto one of your nipples hastily. You tugged at his hair and he groaned in frustration.

“Jake.”

You warned, and he pressed his face down into your cleavage, his breathing ragged and shallow.

“Mierda, bebita. You like being on top so much, hm? Like being in control of papi?”

You gently pulled at his curls again, forcing his face to lift and look up at you. You regarded him softly, one of your hands coming to delicately trace over his jaw and cheekbone.

“No, honey. None of that, okay?”

His brows furrowed, and you leaned down to press a kiss against the crease between them.

“It’s just you and me. Jake and Y/N.”

He repeated your name back to you in a low murmur, as if saying it for the very first time. Actually, now that you thought about it—maybe it was. Jake had never addressed you by your name before, only used endearments to speak with you.

He seemed puzzled by your suggestion, eyes round and questioning and lost, almost uncomfortable with the proposal of having you call him by his actual name.

“You can be on top if you really want to, Jake.”

You pressed a kiss to his nose, then atop both of his fluttering eyelids, then one in the center of his hairline.

“You just—have to be patient.”

You pressed your forehead against his, letting your eyes drift shut as you took in the soft sound of his breathing, finally settling down and evening out. You felt his head tilt up to meet yours again, and you let him kiss you, his pace steady and deliberate, easing you into a rhythm. His hands slowly crawled up your spine, cradling you close to him as he licked into your mouth, his hips bucking up just slightly when you gently tugged at his lower lip with your teeth. He pulled away, shaking his head at your flirtatious action and giving you a playful glare before mouthing gently at your jawline, down your neck and behind your ear. When you leaned into his touch, he sank his teeth in and suckled a deep red mark into your skin, earning a soft whimper in appreciation. His lips stayed pressed against you as they trailed down the column of your neck, along your collarbone and shoulder, and finally down to the flesh of your breasts.

You breathed out a low moan when he placed wet open-mouthed kisses along the top curves of your chest, slowly teasing lower until his teeth scraped your hardened nipple and his lips puckered around it. His hand came to palm at your other breast, kneading at the doughy flesh as he stared up at you seductively through his lashes.

“Fuck, Jake.”

You whimpered, and the sound of his name rolling so deliciously off of your tongue caused his hips to grind up against you once more. When he was satisfied with the array of red and purple marks he’d imprinted on your skin, he dragged his face back up to your own and pressed his lips to yours once again.

You were impressed with his restraint. You could feel the hardness in his muscles, see the tension in his thick shoulders as he forced himself to take his time instead of jumping your bones from the start. You hummed against his mouth before pulling yourself away and off of his lap, your fingers slowly trailing down the length of his torso before settling on the buckle of his jeans.

His breath stuttered at the action, his abdominal muscles contracting as he awaited your next move. You gently reached down to palm at his bulge through the layers of fabric and he groaned throatily, his eyes fluttering shut at the much needed stimulation. Your fingers deftly worked to unloop his belt before unbuttoning his jeans, and he lifted his hips to assist you in pulling them off of him.

When he was left in just his briefs, you pressed gently against his shoulder to make him lay back down and relax. He sank back into the pillows, propped up so he had a decent view of you between his legs, your fingers teasingly stroking over his length through the thin cotton of his boxers. He hissed.

“Estás una calientapollas. Please, hermosa. Y/N.”

He saw the way your eyes darted to his face at the sound of your name, your lips parting and your fingers ceasing their gentle sweeping motion over his cock. You held his gaze as you slowly reached up towards the waistband of his briefs and coaxed them down his legs, freeing his member that had been straining against the fabric.

After you’d tossed his final undergarment aside, you settled back between Jake's legs, your hands stroking each of his inner thighs softly, watching as he pulled his lip between his teeth. Your left hand slowly, slowly crept upwards until it ghosted over the silky skin of his shaft, his body shuddering in response to your touch. You waited until his eyes were open again, watching you, before leaning forward and letting a pool of your saliva drip from your lips and onto his awaiting cock. He keened at the sight, his hips jerking just slightly as you finally wrapped your hand around the base and began to stroke him at a treacherously slow pace.

“Mierda. Fuck.”

He grunted quietly, trying to keep his hips still as you started to pump him a bit faster, glittering eyes staring up at him reverently. It was dizzying, the way you gazed up at him with such infatuation. It almost made him nauseous.

You slowly leaned down and licked the precum from his leaking slit before letting your lips wrap around the head, swirling your tongue languidly over the tip, watching his face scrunch up in pleasure.

You briefly pulled back to press kisses up along his entire length, coupled with soft caresses of your fingertips. It was clear to you that Jake was beginning to feel frustrated—his hands were buried in his hair, head thrown back against the bed as if attempting to subdue his desires.

You took him back into your mouth, working him slowly over with your tongue and swallowing him down bit by bit, agonizingly slow. You could feel Jake’s thighs tensing around you, his hands flying from his head to fist at the sheets on either side of his body.

When you gagged around his cock, he lost his composure. You made a startled choking sound when you felt his hand against the back of your head, pressing you down onto his length as his hips bucked up to try to sink into your throat. You immediately recoiled, and Jake nearly whined, his eyes desperately pleading with you to grant him some release. You weren’t taking any pleasure in seeing him like this—this wasn’t your end goal.

“You going to edge me like Marc, huh? Want to hear me beg?”

His voice broke off slightly, his frustrations venting through his lips as he almost glared at you. You sat up, moving to straddle his waist once more so you could press your lips to his again.

“No, Jake, I told you, I’m not. I just—Let me take care of you. Wanna show you how much you mean to me, wanna—wanna worship you, wanna make you feel good—”

His brows furrowed as you rambled slightly, your eyes big and round and glassy. He was confused—what exactly was it that you wanted from him?

“Let me fuck you, mi vida—make us both feel good with me inside you, hm?”

“No, Jake, just—hang on, that’s not—”

“Then what? Want to see if I can be as vanilla as your little Steven?”

“I want to make love with you, Jake.”

His breath resembled something of a gasp as his eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline, disappearing beneath his curls while his eyes widened almost comically at your hasty confession. You cringed inwardly at your forwardness, taking in the expression of sheer panic on Jake’s face that had him looking like a deer in headlights. You sighed, leaning forward to press your forehead into his chest in an attempt to hide your face from view.

“Fuck. Sorry. I just—I don’t want you to feel like you have to rush through this. I’m sorry, I just—I want—want you to enjoy it, want you to let yourself feel it, Jake.”

You could feel his heart pounding against his ribcage, his lack of response smothering you after your fervent explanation. You wanted to disappear, wanted the ground to cave in and swallow you whole—instead, silence consumed you, settling across your back like a weight that you weren’t strong enough to carry.

“That’s...a new one for me.”

His voice was quiet, sheepish, and you could feel the vibrations rumbling in his chest as you lifted your head to look at him.

“I know.”

You acknowledged quietly. He was staring at you. Dark eyes searching within yours, scanning your expression, every detail of your face, as if attempting to see straight through you. Your heart was still pounding, your face rosy with an embarrassed blush—you felt his arms shift, his hand hesitantly lifting, fingers ghosting over the skin right above the waistband of your jeans at your hips, getting about as close as he could to holding you without actually touching you at all.

You’d never seen Jake Lockley at a loss for words before, and you’d certainly never seen him look so unsure. He was always so collected, nonchalant and unfazed, never dropping his guard for more than a second before that smug smirk reappeared on his face. He took things in stride, his confidence stifling as if he was always three steps ahead of the rest of the world, always knowing what came next.

But now there was vulnerability displayed across his slacken face, a certain wariness serrating his words as he spoke.

“I’m sorry, mi vida, but I don’t—”

“You don’t have to apologize, Jake, really, I promise it’s okay.”

You reached up a hand to cradle the side of his face, fingers gliding across the stubble of his jaw as your thumb brushed over his cheek. His head instinctually tilted in the direction of your hold, turning to press a soft kiss to the palm of your hand.

“I’m sorry. This—I don’t know what I was thinking. This isn’t fair to ask of you at all, it wasn’t a part of the deal, and—we can stop here. Let’s—just tell me where you wanna go from here and we can do it. Anything.”

You breathed, looking into his eyes, your brows furrowed in remorse as you anxiously awaited his reply. He was still just looking at you, unwavering, his chest heaving slightly with each brash exhale.

You felt his fingers skate up your bare spine and you straightened at his touch, letting him gently pull you towards him until your noses were brushing again. His gaze never left yours as he drank you in, his lips parting so you could feel his warm breath against yours. After a few more grueling beats, your pulse jumping with anticipation, his closed the gap and kissed you with a tenderness you didn’t know he even possessed. He pulled himself into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around you until they enveloped you completely, your bodies melding together as his tongue traced the seam of your mouth, although he didn’t press any further—just feeling you, tasting you, savoring the sweetness that seemed to course through your veins.

You were breathless when he pulled back, although he only recoiled just enough to speak. You could feel the movement of his lips against your face as his dark eyes burned through you.

“Hermosa, I don’t—I’ve never... Nunca he hecho esto antes.”

You knew what he was saying even if you couldn’t actually understand it. Your eyes crinkled at the corners as you smiled softly at him, sliding your palms over his chest before wrapping your arms tightly around his neck.

“It’s okay, honey. I—we can figure it out together.”

He blinked rapidly at you, and if you didn’t know any better, you might’ve thought there were tears shining across his eyes. But then he was kissing you again, so softly and sincerely that it fucking hurt.

Your body was slotted perfectly against his, flush against the contours of his current position as his hands slid up and down your spine, settling lowly on your back, just above your ass. You could feel his aching arousal pressing into your heat, rubbing against the seam of your jeans as he held you against him. You let his tongue lick inside your mouth greedily before you drew away.

“Can I—Can I keep going?”

You asked softly, grinding your clothed core up against him for emphasis. A breathy whimper fell from his lips as he closed his eyes, resting his forehead against yours for a moment before slowly nodding. You slowly crawled down the length of his body, pressing gentle kisses all the way down until you found yourself settled between his legs once again, not wasting any time in wrapping your hand around his cock and giving him a few gentle strokes. He sank into the mattress, throwing his head back into the pillows as his teeth sank into his bottom lip.

“You’re supposed to enjoy this, okay? But remember, this—this isn’t just about making each other cum, it’s—wanna make you feel good. We’ll take it nice and slow. You tell me when you’re ready to—when you wanna move on, and we will, okay?”

He looked down at you, his eyes still full of doubt and hesitance, but beneath the veneer you could see the warmth of trust shining through. He nodded at you reassuringly, and the soft smile he offered was one you’d never seen from him before—so genuine and credulous that it almost resembled Steven.

Without another word, you leaned forward and let the tip of your tongue trace the driblet of precome that had begun to slide down the length of his shaft. You wrapped your lips around the head of his cock, suckling at the flesh as your hand began to stroke him steadily, wrist twisting just slightly to maximize the stimulation.

Jake let you toy with him for awhile, his hands gripping the sheets on either side of him in tight fists while he endured you doting on his throbbing cock.

When you reached to squeeze for his balls, your head sinking a bit lower onto his length, you felt his fingers wrap in your hair and gently coax you off of him, a low growl rumbling in his chest. You immediately ceased your ministrations, staring up at him attentively as he blinked slowly at you, his lip swollen from where he had been biting it.

“Do you—you want me to stop? Wanna—want me to ride you, or—”

He interrupted you with groan, throwing his head back against the pillows and squeezing his eyes shut. You could feel the muscles of his abdomen rippling.

“No, mi vida, it’s alright, whenever—you can stay down there as long as you like, I just—mierda, your mouth is so good to me, hermosa. Worried I’m gonna cum.”

He confessed, a sort of pained expression on his face. You gave him a pitying look—it wasn’t mocking, not at all, but genuine sympathy. You didn’t want to make him miserable.

“Just a little bit longer, okay, honey? I know it’s hard going so slow, I’m sorry, but—but I promise, when you finally let go, it’ll be worth it, okay?”

He smiled meekly at you, nodding as he removed his hand from your hair and returned it to its position tangled in the sheets at his side. You gave him one last reassuring glance before sinking your mouth back down onto his cock and lavishing him with more attention.

For several more minutes, he let you worship him, his hips jolting and cock twitching, although he was displaying great levels of restraint when it came to letting you dictate the speed and pace of your actions. You suckled one of his balls into your mouth, watching as he squirmed, legs kicking just slightly beside you as he mewled, his face scrunched up in pleasure.

You released him with a popping sound, finally satisfied with how you’d worked him up and extolled his cock. You crawled up his body and he eagerly welcomed your proximity, pulling you to his mouth to plant a hard, desperate kiss to your mouth. You smiled into him, fingers nestled in his curls.

“Thank you, Jake, did so well.”

You whispered, pressing gentle kisses to the expanse of his jaw as his chest heaved beneath you. He hummed to acknowledge your praise, although you could feel the tension in his muscles as he impatiently awaited your signal that you could continue.

When your eyes met his, they blinked at him, docile and alluring, and he took that as his cue to roll you onto your back so he could position himself on top of you. He pressed a few kisses to your mouth, as if he was struggling to pull himself away, before his lips traveled down your neck and collarbone, his hands popping the button on your jeans to finally have you bare beneath him. You didn’t protest when he pulled them down off of you, your panties joining them soon after. He leaned up to kiss you again, his rock-hard length dipping into your sopping folds as his body rocked against yours once, then twice, earning a low whimper from your throat.

“Go ahead, honey, I’m ready for you.”

You whispered, voice sweet, and he groaned lowly. However, he surprised you by pressing a soft peck to your cheek before sinking down the length of your body, his mouth trailing a line down the center of your torso before kissing right atop your pubic bone, brown eyes watching you closely. Your breath stuttered as you wrapped your fingers in his hair unconsciously.

“Jake, you’ve waited long enough, you don’t have to—”

“Wanna do this right, Y/N.”

He whispered, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on your clit, causing you to gasp.

“Make me feel so good, hermosa. Promised going slow is worth it—gonna make it worth it for you, too.”

You couldn’t dwell on the fluttering sensation in your chest when his mouth pressed against you, wet tongue meeting your dripping folds with attentiveness—you released a soft cry as he lapped at your entranced, the tip of his tongue prodding at your clit gently, causing you to squirm.

Jake liked to run his mouth, but now, he was silent. It's not that he didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to spur you on with filthy praise—he simply couldn’t find the words. He was absolutely hypnotized by the sight above him, bewitched by the expression of pure, unadulterated euphoria on your face at each ministration he offered. He’d never been witness to such a beautiful view before—any time he’d gone down on someone, watching their nonverbal responses to his touch simply wasn’t his priority. It had always been rushed, forceful, as he ripped orgasm after orgasm from his partner with greed and insatiability. But now—now it was you. He was in between your legs, pulling angelic sounds from your lips as your thighs quaked around his head. You were glowing, radiant, ethereal as you basked in the pleasure, and Jake finally realized why foreplay was so important—seeing you like this might be even better than the real thing.

He heeded your words. He wasn’t trying to make you cum, wasn’t speeding you towards your climax with rapid swipes of his tongue and fingers. He was savoring you, each brush of his mouth against your core was languid and indulgent. His lips puckered around your sensitive bundle of nerves, drawing slow circles around it with his tongue as your fingers fisted tighter into his curls, offering enough of a sting to make him groan around you. His tongue dipped into your entrance, lapping at your dripping arousal, your walls fluttering around his thick muscle as your hips jerked to meet his thrusts, pressing yourself against his face to chase your mounting pleasure.

This was different than the orgasms he’d granted you the day prior—this was a simmering heat, coiling lowly in your stomach, festering and building slowly as he sought out the places that made you squirm. You could feel the intensity spiking, even though his lazy speed remained constant—the way his dark eyes stayed firmly fixated on your face was dragging you closer and closer to the threshold.

“Fuck, Jake, oh God—”

You whined, and his hands slipped beneath your ass, lifting your hips to grant him a better angle at which to devour you. Your thighs were trembling, his tongue beginning to swipe over your clit in rapid side-to-side motions—the change of pace pulled a ragged wail from within you, the muscles of your abdomen squeezing tight. He couldn’t control the shameful rutting of his hips into the mattress beneath him at the sound.

“So close, Jake, yes, fuck—”

You were right on the precipice, stars clouding your vision, but right before you tipped over the edge, you yanked your hips back, lifting Jake's head away from you with your grip on his hair. He jolted, hazy eyes suddenly wide and alert as he sat back, bewildered at your abrupt departure from his lips. You squeezed your eyes shut as your orgasm dissipated, your tense muscles sinking back into the mattress as the coil loosened itself. You breathed out lowly, your lashes fluttering as you opened your arms to pull Jake against you.

“Sorry, honey, I—so good, Jake, fuck, but I—wanna cum on your cock, wanna cum with you.”

A low groan escaped him as he pressed his forehead to yours, eyes blinking closed to stave off the arousal that was singeing his insides.

“You—¿estás lista, mi vida? Are you sure?”

You nodded vigorously, pressing a kiss to his lips, and he let out a slow breath, hands sliding to your sides. Your brows furrowed when he pulled back, gently attempting to roll you onto your stomach. You reached up to grip his shoulders tightly, shaking your head.

“No, no, Jake, I want—wanna see you, wanna be close to you, please.”

There was turmoil churning behind his eyes as he stared down at you, brows furrowed heavily as he fought his internal battle. You realized he’d probably never done it like this before—if the fact that he was afraid to kiss you was any indication, you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he’d never let himself be caught in such an intimate position.

But then his eyes softened, his hand coming to cradle the side of your face, his thumb pressing up against the swell of your lower lip.

“Okay, hermosa. Por ti hago lo que sea.”

You felt his member slide between your dripping folds, the head of his cock brushing across your clit as he guided it against your center, hearing the way your breath hitched at the feel of him over your bundle of nerves. You felt it notch at your entrance, the tip just barely breaching your folds. Jake cursed lowly under his breath, eyes glued to where his cock was about to sink into you. In spite of your desperation, your hands lifted to rest on either side of his face, forcing his eyes onto you.

“Look at me, honey. Want you to look at me when you split me open.”

“Carajo.”

He muttered, closing his eyes to steel himself before opening them again to stare into yours. You watched his lips part as he pushed into you, unbearably slow, a low moan rumbling through his diaphragm as he sank into you, only stopping when he was fully-seated within your fluttering walls.

The intimacy was stifling him. He felt lightheaded, breathless, his body hovering over yours just barely as he held himself up above you, drinking in your heavenly being—your hair was fanned out on the pillow beneath you, your pink lips slicked with saliva as your gazed up at him with doe-eyes, blinking slowly as your walls clenched around him.

“God, Jake.”

You whispered, arms wrapping around his neck and pulling so he fell against you, chest flush against your own. He buried his face in the crook of your neck, staying still inside of you for a few brief moments in order to just feel the way you surrounded him.

Slowly, carefully, he pulled back his hips, just barely, before pressing back inside of you, your moans echoing in unison as his balls nestled tightly against your ass again. He’d always been so busy chasing his release, relentlessly pounding into you that he hadn’t taken the time to appreciate just how perfectly he filled you, just how perfectly your walls clamped around his pulsing length.

“So good, mi vida.”

He groaned against your neck, repeating the motion of his hips at a more steady pace. Each thrust pressed against your cervix, causing you to whimper.

“Fill me up so nice, Jake, fuck, feels so good.”

He felt your walls clamp around him once more, and he pulled his head back slightly, lifting himself up a bit more so he could increase the breadth of his thrusts.

“Me vas a matar.”

He growled, sucking in a breath through his teeth as one hand came to palm at your breast, his eyes glued to the way the other bounced with each push of his hips forward. His eyes drifted back to the fucked-out expression on your face, your lips parted as you stared up at him, and his hips stuttered just slightly.

God, he was close already.

“Fuck, hermosa, me arruinas.”

You could feel him faltering, a bead of sweat dripping from one of his curls and down onto your chest, sliding between your breasts and down to your stomach. He watched it dribble downward, eyes dazed, his abdomen clenching as he attempted to stave off his impending orgasm.

His hand clumsily wedged between your bodies, fingers finding your clit and rubbing it in crude circles, his arm trembling just slightly. Watching him grow desperate above you was enough to spark the beginnings of your climax. You pulled him down for a bruising kiss, teeth clashing and tongues swirling as you swallowed his incessant groans.

“Wan’ you to cum with me, Jake.”

Your words were drawled, drunk on the way his cock filled you, and you could feel pleasure sparking in the base of your spine. The speed of his fingers on your clit sped up slightly, his hips struggling to maintain their cadence.

“Mierda, hermosa, oh fuck, so tight—can’t, I can’t—”

“Cum inside me, Jake.”

Your words were only a whisper as you skated along the edge of your orgasm, just barely hanging on as you desperately tried to convince Jake to let go. His eyes blew open wide at your words, grunting as his hips continued jacking forward.

“Y/N, shit, don’t—I’ve never—”

“Oh, God, fuck, I’m cumming, Jake, please, please cum with me, fuck—”

He couldn’t have stopped himself even if he tried. The rhythmic pulsing of your walls around his painfully hard cock was harrowing, gripping him so tightly that he couldn’t have pulled out even if he wanted to.

His balls drew up tight as his climax exploded.

“Oh, me vengo—mierda, fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m cumming, shit, shit, shit—”

His eyes rolled back as he nearly collapsed on top of you, his hips pistoning forward again and again as he shot his spend deep into your walls, his cock pulsing. His orgasm seemed to last minutes as his vision blacked out, brain emptying as his awareness only focused on how the pleasure zipped across his skin with each pump of cum that he released and how tightly your walls were squeezing him, milking him for all he was worth. He’d never cum so hard in his life, or so much—his seed was leaking out around his length as his body slowed to a halt, your tired cunt stuffed full of him as his cock spilled one final spurt of warm release, the head of his member settling against your cervix as he stilled, his weight bearing down on you as he went boneless.

Jake was slowly grounded back into reality at the feeling of your fingertips brushing softly across the length of his spine, your other hand buried in his curls from where his face was tucked into your shoulder. He could feel your hot lips pressed against his temple, your breathing steady and even as you regained your bearings. He forced himself to follow your inhalation patterns, attempting to slow the racing of his heart.

As the endorphins flooding his bloodstream began to thin out, his anxieties threatened to consume him once again. He pushed himself up and off of you, groaning at the soreness in his muscles and the exhaustion tingeing the edge of his movements. You could do nothing but watch him as he slowly pulled out of you, and you expected him to leave you as hastily as he had the day before—maybe he would’ve, if not for the way his eyes glued themselves to your exposed center, enthralled by the sight of his cum oozing from your fluttering hole and dripping downwards.

Your hips jumped slightly when you felt his fingers gently sweep over your cunt—his gaze never lifted as he scooped his release from where is was beginning to escape and pushed it back into you, forcing you to keep as much of him inside as you could. His eyes were dark, possessive as he tilted your hips up just slightly in an effort to stop his cum from leaking out of you.

His sudden captivation and obsession with filling you was surprising, a stark contrast from just moments before when he had desperately resisted your pleas to finish inside of you. The ghost of a smile flickered over his lips as he settled you back down, seemingly content with the show. His eyes flickered up to yours, and as soon as your gazes met, you saw the way a shadow crested his features, abruptly throwing up his guard after the unexpected vulnerability he’d just granted you.

Jake walked to the bathroom, letting the door shut behind him with a click. You pulled yourself into a sitting position, sighing as you felt the stickiness between your thighs and settling beneath you. You should clean yourself up, get dressed and head out so that—

The bathroom door swung open again and Jake walked out, a wet washcloth awkwardly held in his left hand. He stood at the end of the bed for a moment, as if unsure of what to do next. His eyes hesitantly found yours.

“Do—I’m—I haven’t done this part before, mi vida.”

He quietly admitted, offering a sheepish shrug of his shoulders. Still, your heart warmed at his efforts.

“Thought—figured I’d try what Marc does, but I don’t—”

“Thank you, Jake, that’s perfect.”

You encouraged softly, and his eyes lit up with your soft praises as he knelt down on the edge of the bed, leaning down to carefully press the cloth to your ruined core. You sucked in a sharp breath, the coldness of the water a foreign sensation in contrast to the heat that was broiling between your legs—Jake recoiled, eyes searching yours widely for direction. You offered him a lopsided grin.

“Sorry, s’just—sensitive.”

You explained, and he nodded, slowly wiping at the arousal that stained your skin. His lips were pursed as he focused on his actions, trying desperately not to hurt you. After awhile, he sighed.

“Would you—do you want Marc? Or Steven?”

Your face fell as he finished cleaning you up, tossing the towel on the floor beside the bed, before facing you, his curls falling across his forehead and into his eyes. You frowned.

“No, Jake—not unless you don’t want to—it’s okay, I can always leave if that’s—”

He let out a humorless, bitter laugh, one hand coming up to stroke at his stubbled jaw as he stared at the ceiling, clearly uncomfortable.

“No sé lo que estoy haciendo.”

You heard him mumble breathlessly, his shoulders sagging with defeat.

“Do you—will you come lay with me, Jake?”

You asked softly, as if you were speaking to a wild animal and were trying desperately not to scare it away. His eyes darted to your face, lips parting to protest, to make up an excuse, but then he shook his head at himself, crawling up towards you and seating himself beside you, his back resting against the headboard. You tentatively leaned into his side, nestling your head against his shoulder. You felt him stiffen beside you slightly, but then his arm moved to wrap around you, pulling you closer against his side.

You felt him release a breath he’d been holding as you lifted a hand to rest on his bare chest, drawing random shapes into the warm skin mindlessly.

“Why did you think I’d want Marc or Steven?”

You asked softly, your eyes watching the movement of your fingers on his chest. His hold on you tightened.

“This—s’not my job. I don’t do things like this.”

You sat upright, turning to face him fully. His eyes were hard as they looked at you.

“What do you mean, not your job?”

His lips pursed.

“You know, hermosa. You’re the doctor, hm? Steven and me, we’re—we both do something for Marc. S’why we’re here. Marc and Steven, they—they get to feel things, know people. I’m—I’m just here to make sure they’re safe, that they don’t get hurt.”

Tears pricked behind your eyes as his words registered in your brain. There was an aching sensation festering in your chest.

“No, Jake, that’s not—that’s not how this works. You’re a person, you have every right to experience things just like they do, you’re—”

“No pasa nada. This is the way things are, hermosa. I know you thought—thought you’d be able to come and figure us out, show us what’s what, but—but I already know who I am, what part I play.”

The dejection in his voice was unmistakable. There was bitterness in his words, resentment. The pain in your chest expanded.

“I protect. That’s what I do. Means I don’t get—I don’t get to have this, mi vida. What happened today—that’t not mine.”

A tear rolled down your cheek, so you turned and sank back into his side, hoping he didn’t catch your display of emotion. In spite of himself, he let you press against him, savoring the feeling of your soft skin against his own.

You were hoping he’d open himself up to you after your intimate tryst, but you obviously misread the situation—his walls had come back up, even stronger and more unwavering than before.

Perhaps he sensed your sadness. You felt him release a long sigh, his muscles going lax as he let his head fall against the headboard.

“Lo siento, hermosa. I—you deserve better than what I can give you.”

Your head turned to gaze up at him, finding his eyes staring straight ahead at a random focal point. You felt your heart crack a bit.

“Stop, Jake, don’t say that. That’s not true, I don’t—”

“It’s okay, mi vida. I appreciate what you tried to do for me today. Significa mucho para mí.”

He swallowed, and when he finally looked down at you, the warmth he’d been unabashedly displaying for you had been replaced by the familiar austere glint that normally resided there.

No. You wouldn’t have it. Not after all of this.

Your hand reached up to cradle his jaw, thumb swiping over the apple of his cheek as you turned his head to face you.

“I know you’ve heard me say it, Jake. To Marc and Steven. This wasn’t—this isn’t just research.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as his eyes flickered down to your lips, and you felt the arm that was wrapped around you tighten its grip again.

“I care about you, a lot—”

“You don’t know me.”

His words were brazen, suddenly harsh, insistent against your admission. Your brows furrowed.

“I’m not—I’m not like the others. I’m—I’m no good, hermosa. You care about Steven, and Marc, but I’m not like them. I don’t feel things like them, I can’t—estás mejor sin mí.”

“Then let me know you, Jake. You’re a part of this system, just as much as Marc and Steven, and you deserve to be happy.”

He didn’t answer you—his jaw rippled at the conviction your tone offered, so certain with yourself. You let out a long sigh, reaching to pull at his arm as you shifted. His brows furrowed, but he let you coax him into a lying position, his head against the pillows as you once again nestled into his side, arms wrapped tightly around his torso as you pressed your front against his side, face squished against his shoulder. You placed a soft kiss to the skin there.

“I’m gonna stay with you tonight, okay, Jake?”

You felt his muscles tense in protest, every fiber of his being telling him to make you leave, to get up and go, but the proximity and warmth of your body was intoxicating. After a few beats, he finally offered a slow nod, his limbs relaxing as he sank into the bed. You reached to pull the duvet over you two, clutching onto him tightly, and even if he refused to hold you back, you could feel the way his body went pliant beneath your touch.

He shouldn’t let you so close. He’d managed to keep his distance before—but with the way your breaths slowed into gentle snores, your hair tickling against his bicep, your comforting heat seeping into his bones—he felt his resolve begin to crack beneath the pressure of your insistent affections.

Jake let himself mold against you, his head tilting to rest against the top of yours as he pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of your head—he told himself that it was okay, you were sleeping, no one ever had to know just how much you’d softened him, how deeply you’d sunk your perfectly-manicured nails into his flesh—and no one ever had to know just how much he loved it.

For the first time in what felt like ever, Jake Lockley actually slept.

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[yourlocalmerchgirl]

Is it ok if I call you mine? Part One

Part 2 Part 3

Soft!Joel Miller x Neurodivergent/ anxious F!reader

Summary: When Joel sees you having a hard time outside of a concert he tries to make sure your alright when he scares you on accident he can’t stop thinking about if your actually ok or not until a couple weeks later he runs into you. Both of you let down your guard and form a unlikely bond

Soft! Joel miller x neurodivergent reader AU (outbreak never happens)

Warnings: soft Joel, concerned Joel, protective Joel, neurodivergent, audio overstimulation, anxiety, self inflicted angst. Best friend Tommy, falling in love. Acceptance, low self esteem.

A/N: I’m so nervous to start posting this story. This story is very near and dear to me and I’ve been pouring my heart into this story, I hope you all like going on this journey with me. This will be a multi part story.

There’s not a lot of descriptors about reader other than eye color but they can easily be changed.

You didn’t want to be this way- in fact you hated it at times if you’re honest with yourself. Sometimes you could see it coming. Other times, one minute you were fine the next your brain felt like it was drowning out at sea while your body looked for it in a flimsy life raft.

You just wanted to enjoy your night out with your best friend seeing your favorite band, you had felt really good today.

As you sat there waiting for the show to start the chatter of the group sitting behind you became more intense and you started zoning out, trying to focus on anything but as their chatter turned into them shouting back and forth over each other, it became to much. Everything sounding jumbled, you felt lightheaded as if your head was swimming, the overwhelming anxious feeling taking over your body.

“I-I ne-need get out of here and get some air” you shouted abruptly standing, grabbing your seat to steady yourself as the dizzys worsened.

“Do you need me to go with you?” Stacey asked concerned, she knew all to well how awful things could get for you sometimes.

“No…no I’ll be ok, I just need to breathe, need some air. I’ll text you if I need you”

Once outside you slid down, sitting on the sidewalk under the awning of the venue, the small round lights that lined the bottom of the awning offering just enough light in the night sky. You sat with your back against the building, your knees pulled up to your chest as you felt the cold fall air fill you lungs, easing the weight on your chest slightly. God the air felt good on your over heated face.

“Y’alright miss?” You hear an unfamiliar muffled voice. There’s other people around surly he’s talking to someone else.

“Miss y’alright?” You hear the soft husky drawl. You try to ignore it. Please be talking to someone else.

“Darlin’ y’alright” you hear with a light hand on your shoulder. Fuck. Your head snaps up, eyes wide as your gaze locks with a pair of big brown eyes. Flinching away from him you snarl “dude I’m fine”

“Sorry didn’t mean to startle ya, was just concerned.”

You don’t say anything back, you barely even acknowledge him.

“I-I’m Joel” He offers with a kind smile

“Look Joel I’m sure you’re nice and all but I clearly am having a rough go and don’t want to be bothered” you snapped back standing quickly and hurrying back inside the venue.

“Sorry Darlin” he softly called after you.

“What was that about?” Tommy asks Joel, only witnessing the tail end of what was happening.

Joel lets out a defeated sigh “There was this girl curled up sitting on the ground, clearly going through something, I asked her if she was a’lright. I think I scared her when I touched her shoulder, she got up angry and ran inside.”

Once inside you run into the bathroom rubbing cold water on your face, you feel a rush of instant guilt. You hated the way you came off to people sometimes, your tone coming off harsh and aggressive, often not matching how you were feeling. People would often tell you you needed to control your emotions or regulate your tone but you truly couldn’t control it, it’s just how you were. You weren’t good with people, you didn’t like small talk never really knowing how to engage in it, you often either shared to much to fast or you’d say nothing at all, mostly just observing people, just being in the background of most situations and that was when you were invited to gatherings which wasn’t very often.

“There was this guy outside tonight”

“Ok…”

“He was trying to check on me, to make sure I was alright and I snapped at him, I was actually pretty rude to him”

“I feel so bad” you said with a deep sigh.

“Don’t let it bother you, I’m sure he didn’t think much of it” Stacey said trying to ease your mind.

“Joel…he said his name was Joel.”

————————————————————

“Shit…I-I think that’s the guy from the other night” you say looking up from your sandwich.

Stacey whips around “Who Joel? The guy from outside the show? Which one is he?”

“The one with the scruffy beard, and messy hair standing with the guy with the dark curly hair at the counter, I think he was there too.”

“He’s handsome, you didn’t tell me he was so handsome”

“Well I didn’t realize it either, I was to busy being a bitch to notice” you say nervous laughing.

“I’m sure he won’t remember me, but I still feel so guilty”

You have no idea yet how wrong you are.

Joel notices you instantly as him and Tommy are looking for a table.

The feeling of relief washing over him seeing that your ok. He hadn’t stopped wondering, no he hadn’t stopped worrying if you were ok.

Tommy noticed Joel acting nervously, continuously looking over Tommy’s shoulder at something or someone.

“Y’alright man? Y’acting weird, w’do you keep looking at?”

“It’s the girl, the one from the other night at the show”

Tommy turns to see you and Stacey recognizing you from the other night.

“I’ve seen her friend here before, think she’s seeing the guy that runs the place”

“But the girl, she looks like she’s alright” Tommy says softly, turning to see Joel’s smile at his comment.

“And I know you been worryin’”

“Huh? It that obvious?”

“I’m your brother I know things, also ya keep mentioning it, why don’t ya go talk to her?”

“M’pretty sure I scared the shit outta her, she ain’t want me talkin’ to her.”

“I-I should apologize to him”

“So let’s go talk to them”

“Ugh your not supposed to agree” you laugh.

“You keep talking about feeling bad, and I know you, you’ll just keep thinking about it, if it would make you feel better let’s go talk to him”

Stacey’s surprised when you get up from the table slowly and nervously start walking over and she follows behind.

“Ah shit, there…she’s coming over here I think” Joel says nervously

“I-I’m sorry this is kind of random but are…are you Joel?” You ask as you nervously fiddle with the hem of your shirt, unable to maintain eye contact.

“Yes ma’am”

Tommy watch’s your body language intently, understanding more about you than you even realize or notice.

“I ah, you probably don’t remember me”

“Course I do”

“You do?” You ask completely shocked

“Why wouldn’t I? You were outside of the State theater, was worried about you”

“A-bout that, I’m so sorry for snapping and being so rude to you. I know you were just trying to make sure I was alright. I was just having a rough go and I’m just um not very good with people sometimes an-d my tone doesn’t um ugh it doesn’t matter….I just wanted to apologize.” You said, getting more nervous and flustered the more you talked. Damnit why am I like this? Why the hell is he gonna care about my problems just stop talking.

But it did matter, it mattered to him. He wanted you to go on, to hear about what was bothering you. He wanted to be able to ease your mind, to make you feel better.

Tommy noticed your body language, how anxious you were, fidgeting with the hem of your shirt while looking at the ground. He knew this feeling all to well, anxiety hadn’t been his friend since he’d came back from the army and seeing Joel go through it when he lost Sarah he just wanted to make you feel comfortable.

“Well since my brothers not going to introduce us, I’m Tommy. What’s your name darlin’?” Tommy says holding out his hand to shake.

“ shit..sorry I’m (y/n) and this is Stacey.”

You turn to Joel, your hand out stretched.

“It’s nice to meet you properly Joel” you say offering him the warmest smile. You just had this feeling about them, about him in particular that you couldn’t describe.

Joel is surprised but moved by your action, taking your hand offering you the kindest smile back. He takes this opportunity to study every part of your face, as if he was committing it to memory.

“Y’all have fun at the show?” Joel asks

“Oh were you guys there for the show too?” You ask, your face turning the lightest shade of red.

“ well, I dragged him there” Tommy says gesturing to Joel chuckling

“But yea we were there”

“Yeah… umm other than my episode we had a blast…they’re my favorite band”

“Hey! No way they’re mine too” Tommy exclaims “my first time seeing them”

“I’ve seen them 3 times, they’ve been great every time” you exclaim.

Joel watches as your body language relaxes a little bit. He takes pride in him and Tommy being able to ease you even if just for a moment.

“Y’guys want join us?”

You’re immediately flustered by the question, feeling like you’ve lingered too long making them feel like they had to ask.

“Oh no that’s ok, I don’t want to bother you guys, you’re clearly on your lunch break.” Your eyes trained on your shoes, pulling at your shirt. Fuck you hated being like this- an awkward overthinking mess as people would tell you.

Pulling your gaze back up to Joel with a nervous smile on your face.

“I just wanted to apologize, sorry to bother you guys”

Before either of them could say anything you turn on you heels and hurried out the door.

“Wait (y/n)” Joel calls after you calmly, not waiting to scare you.

As you and Stacey turn around you see Joel smiling at you as Tommy comes out of the cafe behind him.

“Here I ah wanted to give your our numbers” Joel says rubbing the back of his neck.

You reach out taking the piece of paper.

“No pressure just if you ever wanted t’talk”

“I’m not a fan of talking on the phone, makes me anxious but I-I’ll text you sometime if that’d be ok?”

“Yea, that’d be more than ok darlin’”

Joel wasn’t much of a texter but he’d do anything you’d be comfortable with if it meant he’d get to talk to you again.

Y/n: Hey! It’s y/n I saw our favorite band is coming back in a couple months and playing in Dallas!

As soon as you sent the text to Tommy you regret it. What if it came on to strong? what if he thinks I’m asking him to go? Who am I even to think he wants to talk to me?

Your thoughts only spiraled like water going down the drain the more that time passed with out hearing from him.

Tommy: Hey sweetheart! Sorry for the late response, we had a crazy day at work today.

Tommy: shit no way, we should all go, I’ll talk to Joel about it and snag tickets for everyone.

“ oh shit y/n texted me saying the bands coming back in a couple months, playin’ Dallas. We should all go, have a road trip down there.”

“Oh…s’he texted you?”

“Oh shit sorry have ya not heard from her?”

“No, no it’s ok. I’ll go though if she wants to go”

“I’m sure you’ll hear from her Joel, she only texted me about the show”

Joel’s just relaxing or trying to relax, because let’s face it he’s never been very good at just taking a breath and resting without trying to do a 100 other things at once.

He hears his phone vibrate on the night stand, caught off guard by the butterflies he feels before reaching for his phone. He thinks it must be you, Tommy’s downstairs the only other person that would text him.

His smile reaches his eyes before he can even think about stoping it when he sees it is infect you.

Y/A: Hey! It’s y/n. I’m sure Tommy told you I messaged him. Hopefully you don’t think I didn’t want to talk to you, was honestly working up the courage to message you.

Fuck…what the hell am I doing?! Did I just say that.

Y/N: Jesus…I’m so sorry that was awkward haha

God. You were so cute. Joel just found you so endearing as he finds himself completely taken by you.

Joel: Hey darlin. No worries at all. Im happy to hear from ya.

Joel: how’s your night goin? Hopefully it’s treating you well.

Y/N: it’s going good, I’m just curled up in bed watching one of my comfort shows.

You and Joel went back and forth for a couple hours, chatting and unknowingly making each other light up and feel comfortable with each other.

Joel: I don’t want to put any pressure on you so don’t feel like ya have too…but would you want to grab a coffee together tomorrow? That is if ya don’t already have plans.

You’re torn, on one hand you’re overjoyed that he asked you out to coffee and on the other hand you can’t help but feel like he feels like he has too, that you might of come on too strong. But here goes nothing…

Y/N: Sure, that would be really nice. I’d like that.

You hit send before you can think about it too much.

Y/N: if it’s ok could we go later in the day after lunch? It’s less hectic and pretty quiet around then.

Joel doesn’t give why you asked to meet then much thought, because the reason didn’t matter. He wanted to do what ever you were comfortable with and if that’s when you were comfortable going then that’s what he’d do.

Joel: Sure that sounds good to me darlin. I’ll meet you there.

—————————————————————

As you make your walk over to the cafe you can’t help but wonder if this is a joke, if Joel actually wants to hang out? If he asked because he felt like he had too.

You wish you didn’t have to say you used to it but you are. You’re used to people just putting up with you, inviting you some where because they feel obligated too, only hearing from them when they want something from you. The amount of times you misjudged a friendship or relationship was staggering. You had no idea how wrong you were.

The longer Joel sits at the cafe, the more nervous he becomes. He doesn’t think he’s ever been this early or nervous for anything in his life, not even the day Sarah was born. Part of him is worried you won’t come, that he made you feel like you had to say yes. The other part of him is over joyed at the idea that you wanted to come, that you might actually want to spend time with him.

Joel hears the baristas greet someone excitedly. When he hears the voice that greets them back he knows it’s you, your voice already burned into him memory. Your tone is bubbly and happy today, he can hear the smile in you’re voice before he even sees you. When you finally come into view, his heart melts when he sees your smile, your big beautiful smile.

You glance over meeting his gaze, giving him a little wavy and smile as you make you way over to him.

I can’t believe he’s here already and here I was worried about being to early.

Joel hopes you don’t notice the way he wipes his sweaty palms on his pants as he stands to greet you.

“Hey sweetheart good t’see ya”

“You..you actually came. It’s so good to see you too” you say offering him the same smile you walked in with.

“Is it alright t’give ya a hug?”

“Yes of course” you said after hesitating briefly.

Joel wraps you into the most comforting hug you’ve ever had. Coming from someone who doesn’t like to be touched or have people in their personal space abruptly. But there was something different about Joel, something comforting and natural that you couldn’t quiet out your finger on.

Joel pulls away when it sinks in what you said.

“Wait…why wouldn’t I show up?”

You feel embarrassed that you said it out loud, but you also wanted to be honest with him.

“It just wouldn’t be the first time I misjudged someone inviting me somewhere or the first time someone forgot that we had plans.”

“I’m just a lot for most people and it’s ok, I’m used to it”

“You shouldn’t h’ave to be used to that sweetheart but quiet frankly I think your awesome, to awesome to be wantin’ to hang out with me so I thought you might not come.”

You and Joel sit and talk for a couple of hours at the cafe. You talk to him about some of your disorders related to being neurodivergent and about your life before coming to Texas. Joel listens intently, letting you talk freely without interruptions or judgements and doesn’t press for more info than you’re comfortable telling him. The only questions he ask are about things he can do to you help when things get bad or how he could offer support if you needed it. Almost as if he’s saying he wants to spend more time with you with saying it.

Joel tells you more about himself, the contractor business that him and Tommy run and about Sarah, his daughter who he lost a few years ago. Joel is surprised how intently you listen to him, how he has your undivided attention. He’s never had anyone other than Tommy listen to him in that way, free of judgement and full of compassion. Never pressing him to share more than he was comfortable with.

“Hey I-I I don’t if you and Stacey have plans tonight but Tommy and I are gonna have a movie night and get some pizza if you guys would like to come.”

“Oh I think Stacey and Jared are having a date night tonight”

“Well you’re still welcome, we’d love to have you”

“Don’t feel like you have to invite me, I wouldn’t want to impose on your night.”

“Not at all, you could never impose. I’m having a nice time with you and honestly would love to spend more time with you. I know Tommy would love to have you too.”

Joel senses your hesitation, but not because you don’t feel comfortable it’s because your worried you will be in the way, like you’d be intruding where you weren’t wanted.

“As long as it’s ok I would love too, honestly I’d like to spend more time with you too” you say offering a warm smile.

Joel’s hand ghosts over your lower back as you guys leave the cafe. Normally you’d be put off by this or flinch away but something about Joel was immediately comforting.

“Oh I walked here so I just need to go grab my car, we live around the corner”

“If you’re comfortable with it I could drive us and bring you home later.”

“Ok” you say smiling warmly, letting him know your comfortable with that.

“Let me just text Stacey so she’s not freaked out when my cars there but I’m not.” You say as you guys walk to his truck, his hand still lightly on your lower back as you walk.

“ here let me see your phone” he says leaning against his truck.

“I typed my address into your message for her to have, that way you can feel safe knowing she’s knows exactly where you are.” He says handing you back your phone.

His gesture speaks volumes to you, it’s almost as if he can read your mind.

“Thank you….I’ve honestly never had anyone do something like that for me before.”

“Here let me see your phone, I’ll give you her number incase you ever need to get ahold of her.”

“Was gonna ask but I didn’t want you to think I was being weird”

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence as you make your away across town to Joel’s house, truly just enjoying each others company.

When you guys arrive at Joel’s he gets out and runs over to the passenger door opening it for you.

“Tommy! We have company for movie night tonight�� Joel calls out as you enter the house.

Joel barely gets the words out before you hear Tommy’s foots steps padding down the hall.

“Hey there sweetheart! Happy to have ya here” Tommy exclaims as he pulls you into a hug, huge smile across is face.

“Now my brothers not given you any trouble is he?” Tommy asks jokingly making the cutest laugh bubble out of you. The sound of it warms Joel’s soul, he’d do anything in his power to hear it again.

Joel sighs “Really Tommy?”

“What? I’m just joking around” he smirks

“No, he’s not, not yet anyways” you chuckle smiling at Joel.

“Here darlin’ come look at the menu, gotta know what you like before we order”

“Oh I’m easy to get a long with. I like cheese, but honestly I’ll be happy with what you guys get, you don’t have to order special stuff for me”

“Nonsense gotta make sure you’re happy too” Joel smiles

Tommy comes back from the other room “alright I placed the order but I ordered a shit ton of food, like probably too much” he says chuckling.

“But I w’anted t’make sure everyone had somethin’ they liked.”

“I can go with you to pick it up, to help you grab it all if you’d like” you offer with a nervous smile. Trying your hardest to be helpful and figure out your place in this dynamic.

You don’t see it but Joel smiles at your gesture, loving your caring nature.

“Sure I’d love that sweetheart, plus I can give you pointers on how to annoy the shit outta my brother”

You catch a glimpse of Joel rolling his eyes.

“O-only if that’s ok with you?” You say nervously.

“Oh darlin’ of course, I wasn’t rolling’ my eyes at you” he says lightly resting his hand on your lower back.

Joel’s eyes are comically large when you and Tommy get back to the house, both with arm fulls of food.

“Jesus you guys leave any food for the rest of the city?”

That laugh Joel loves so much bubbles up out of you again, his heart beating faster the minute he hears it.

“Uh don’t look at me he’s the one that ordered the food” you say pointing at Tommy.

“Don’t look at me, the sweets we’re all her idea” Tommy says as Joel takes the bakery stuff out of the bag.

“I mean the least I could do was buy us desert” you shrug

Joel glanced up at you as he pulls out a second box from the bakery”

“But I-ah might of gotten a little carried away” you laugh at the sheer amount of stuff spread out over the counter.

The three of you all fill up plates with various items and sit down to bond over dinner.

You learn that Tommy is staying with Joel while he works on remolding the house he bought on that weekends.

You all grab your drinks and head to the living room.

“Make your self at home and sit where ever you’d like darlin’” Joel says as he plops down on the couch.

“Do you guys normally have particular places you sit. I-I don’t want to take anyone’s spot”

To Joel you’re so cute and considerate in this moment.

“Nah not really, sit where ever you’re comfortable”

You think for a moment about what do to before you sit next to Joel on the couch.

“I-I it ok to sit here? If you want more space I can sit on the other end.”

“Absolutely it’s ok sweetheart” Joel says with the kindest smile as his big brown eyes meet yours.

“Was hoping you’d feel comfortable sittin’ next to me”

Tommy follows a few beats behind the two of you juggling the bakery treats and his beer before snagging what he wanted and plopped down in the recliner next to the couch.

You and Joel bump hands reaching for the same treat, an over sized chocolate chip cookie loaded with big chocolate chunks.

A nervous giggle escapes you. “ where you going for the giant cookie too?”

“I’ts ok go ahead”

“Oh no it’s ok”

“Really darlin’ I insist”

You grab the cookie breaking it in half.

“Here I’ll split it with you” you say holding out half of it to him.

“Sweetheart you don’t have to do that”

“Really it’s ok, if I didn’t like you I wouldn’t share” you say nervous chuckling.

Fuck. I can’t believe I just told him I liked him. Way to be weird.

Taking the half and laughing Joel retorts “ It’s ok, if I didn’t like you I wouldn’t have taken it” as he nudges you with his shoulder.

Joel glances over at you part way through the third movie to see you curled up and passed out on the couch next to him. You look so peaceful and comfortable in this moment that he can’t help but smile fondly at you as he pulls a blanket from the back of the couch over you.

Tommy catches a glimpse of Joel tending to you and he can’t help but smile. It’s been a long time since he’s seen his brother like this, seen this happiness in his eyes and a genuine laugh come out of him. Joel’s been a different person since Sarah passed away, more guarded and closed off. But he sees a small change in him since he met you. He can see Joel starting to peek his head out of the gate to the fortress he’s built around himself with you around.

Joel: Hey. It’s Joel y/n gave me your number incase I ever needed to get ahold of you. Just wanted to let you know she fell asleep during movie night on the couch. I covered up and left a water on the coffee table for her. Just didn’t want you to worry if she didn’t turn up tonight. I’m gonna leave her a note next to her phone on the coffee table so she’s not scared when she wakes up.

Stacey: Thank you for texting me Joel. Because I would have been worried if she just didn’t show up. Thank you for taking care of her. Please never hesitate to reach out if you need me.

Joel: Have a good night sweetheart

Stacey: oh Joel one more thing

Stacey: she doesn’t trust people easily. She also doesn’t just fall asleep just anywhere like this….actually she has a hard time sleeping in general. This means she’s comfortable with/ trusts you. Please don’t take this for granted.

——————————————————————

You wake up to the smell of coffee and the sound of hushed chatter.

“ Jesus Tommy, be quiet your gonna wake her up”

As your sitting up slowly from the unfamiliar couch it hits you. Fuck, you fell asleep at Joel’s.

You notice a note next to your phone

“Don’t be scared, nothing happened. You just fell asleep during the movie so I covered you up and left you be. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning

-Joel

You only have a few moments to enjoy the thought of Joel caring for you before the embarrassment comes crashing down.

You fell asleep on a date, who does that!

And further more there’s actually no way this is a date. Why would this man want to date you?

You get up shoving the note in your pocket, gather your things and slowly and quietly make your way to the kitchen.

Tommy notices you standing awkwardly in the door way when he looks up for pouring his coffee.

“Oh would ya look at who woke up, mornin sweetheart” he says offering you a sweet smile.

Joel turns around from his place at the stove, eyes lighting up when he sees you.

“Morning darlin’ would you like some breakfast or coffee? I just s’tarted cookin’”

“N-no…I should go, it’s ok. Um Tommy c-could you give me a ride home?” You manage to squeak out, your voice sounding almost strained as you fight to hold back the tears trying to breach the dam.

You look away, unable to take the disappointment in Joel’s big brown eyes.

It was only a matter of time before he figured out you were a disappointment anyways.

“Oh um ‘course I can sweetheart no problem. Go ahead, I’ll be right out”

Joel just looks at home, eyes filled with defeat.

“It’s ok brother, I’ll talk to her. I can tell she’s feelin a bit anxious”

“I-I feel so bad, I hope she’s not embarrassed. I was happy to have her here, but I know it’s jarring waking up in someone else’s house”

Tommy finds you sitting in his truck, hunched over with your head on your hands and a small piece of paper in your lap.

“What’s that in your lap?” Tommy asked

You don’t even look up as you had him the small note. Tommy noticed the small wet stains in the note as he takes it from you.

A few beats of silence pass. “ oh sweetheart you y’dont have t’cry, this note is truthful”

“It’s not even that”

“I just want to go home”

“No problem sweetheart…just know you can talk to me bout anything anytime. Joel too.”

The ride across town back to your place is silent, your head rested on the window, blankly staring out. You’re mind feels like a hurricane swirling around, thinking of every situation that could happen from you falling a sleeping, thinking of everything you could of said, should of said. You’re zoned out so much you don’t notice that Tommy has pulled into your drive way. When you stay still and don’t get out Tommy breaks the silence.

“Y’alright sweetheart? Y’want to talk about anything? I’ll sit here all day if I need too.” He says, placing a hand on your shoulder.

You’re silent for a few more beats.

“I really fucked things up. Who falls asleep on a date? And before you say anything, no I don’t really think we were on a date because someone like your brother doesn’t want to date me. I’m just so fucking embarrassed. I might as well just prepare myself now for the fact that I likely won’t see either one of you much after this, before I get attached and think you guys want me around because I have a habit of misreading situations and peoples intentions.” You manage to choke out before the tears start flowing.

You go to open the door but Tommy stops you.

“Aww sweetheart hold on a minute. Breaks my heart seeing you like this and I know it would break Joel’s too.”

“It’s ok, Tommy… I know I’m not for everyone. My disorders drive most people away, I’m pretty used to it at this point in my life.”

“ I understand more than you might think… when I came back from the military, I was much different than when I went in. I have PTSD, my anxiety and depression were at an all time high, I can’t do most loud booming noises and the weirdest things trigger me and I spiral into a flash back. The one person who’s been there for me through it all and never once left my side or complained is Joel. Even when he was going through the most horrific moment of his life when he lost Sarah, he never once wavered in his support when I needed it. Long story short, he’s not put off by you or by you falling asleep or by any of your issues. He thinks your awesome, and so do I. Neither of us are messing with you. And I don’t want to speak for him but I’m pretty sure he was hoping last night was a date” Tommy says nudging you playfully at the last part.

“But seriously sweetheart if you ever need to talk. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you Tommy, truly. That means the world to me. I know I really should be kinder to myself but I’m just used to people being around when they want something or it’s convenient for them.”

“Do you wanna come back to the house with me?”

“I do but will it be weird? Will Joel want me to come back?”

“Sweetheart I’m pretty sure he’d let you stay as long as you were comfortable, but I can text him”

“Ok… I’d like to run inside and get changed if that’s ok?”

“I’ll wait as long as you need”

——————————————————-

Tommy: y/n and I talked for a while, she’s alright. She’s just embarrassed and having some trouble but she’s not freaked out by you at all.

Joel: I feel so bad she feels that way. But I’m glad I didn’t freak her out. She’s such a sweetheart.

Tommy: I offered to bring her back to the house to see you and she seems to want to, she’s just concerned you wouldn’t want her to. She’s just inside changing her clothes, I said I’d text you and give you a heads up.

Joel: if she wants to come back with you please bring her back. I want to see her.

Tommy: don’t tell her I told you but she called last night a date than took it back because she got scared calling it that but I told her you were hoping it was a date so do with that what you’d like.

————————————————————-

Stacey is standing right inside the door peeking out the window, which jumps you as you swing the door open.

“Why’d he bring you home? I though you were going to be hanging out with the other one?”

“Oh…Tommy lives with Joel”

“Wait…are you ok? Have you been crying?” Stacey says concerned as she reaches out grabbing your arm.

“Yea ugh I’m alright, I fell asleep last night during movie night and woke up and was really embarrassed and asked Tommy if he could give me a ride home because I just couldn’t face Joel.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t text you, sorry if I worried you”

“Well I would of been really worried but Joel actually texted me, to let me know you were alright and that you had fallen asleep”

“Wait… he did?”

“He was worried that I’d be worried if you didn’t come home. The dude seems like a stand up guy”

“Wait so why is Tommy still here?”

“Well I had a break down on the way here and him and I had a good talk, he asked if I wanted yo go back to the house with him so I’m going up go back over there and talk to Joel. I just wanted to change.”

—————————————————————-

“Y’know it’s been along time since I’ve seen Joel light up t’way he does when he sees you. Losing Sarah really took a lot outta him, but I see his old self startin’ to come out when he’s around you.”

Tommy says turning to you at the red light.

Tommy sees you smile from the corner of his eye as the light turns green again.

“I-I honestly don’t know what to say to that.. and not in a bad way. I guess I’m just surprised. But honestly there’s just something about your brother, something that I can’t really explain. Sigh. Like I just knew right away that I could trust him, I mean I knew right away I could trust you too. But there’s just something about him that’s calming like I’m relaxed and at ease when I’m around him almost as if he sees me, like really sees me for who I am.”

When you and Tommy pull into the drive way Joel comes right out on to the porch, you can’t help the huge smile that tugs at your lips when you see him. You light up when your close enough for him to see you smiling and offered you a cute wave as Tommy puts the truck in park. Joel comes right down the steps and opens the truck door for you.

“H-hey sweetheart…m’happy you came back”

“Well I’m happy you wanted me to come back”

You barely get the words out of your mouth before Joel’s wrapping you in a tight embrace, you don’t hold back hugging him back just as tightly. It’s hard to tell who needed the hug more, you or him.

“Y’know y’can talk to me bout anything, whatever’s going on at any moment. I’ll never judge you. I want to be there for you.” Joel says just loud enough for you to hear, even though Tommy had already gone inside.

“I know, and I want you to know I do trust you. I just get really in my head sometimes because I’ve thought of every way a situation could go wrong instead of seeing the good, sometimes all I can focus on are the what ifs.”

“I’ll be as patient as you need sweetheart, never feel pressured and if there’s something your more comfortable talking to Tommy about in the moment I know he’d be there for you too.”

All you can do is tilt your head up, your glossy hazel eyes meeting his big brown one. It’s almost as if time stops in this moment. Joel wants to kiss you, my god does he want to kiss you and never let you go. He wants to wash away all your fear and anxiety. To hold you and give you the world.

Tag list:

@kalllistos @justasadbean @bcon24 @its-dee-lovely @fishingforpike @macaroni-artist @gengar-neutral @xybil @morgaussy @sailorsophiee @samarav @dionysusinparis @arlovesper @fandomsohmyohmy @lovelyladiess @lovelyladiess @lovebandrry @joelmillersblog l @pinkbowsandcoffeestains @pascal-is-punk @thatgirlpeaches @alyhull

@fandomwhored @hiddenbabynyc l

@goldenhxurs

#tommy miller #fanfic #the last of us #tommy miller x reader #joel miller #joel tlou #joel miller x reader #soft!joel miller #neurodivergent #joel miller x f!reader

[cissyenthusiast010155]

You Go Too Fast For Me ~Dom!Rough!Alex Cabot xFem Sub!Lover!Reader

Summary— Alex comes back to Reader after a hard and long day in court. She immediately pounces on Reader to destress, but Reader can’t handle that intensity right now…

Mommy… Master List

Requests & Prompt-List

Warnings: NSFW, 18+!!!, smut, angst, little fluff at the end, kissing, strap fucking, rough sex, overstimulation, degradation, dom/sub relations, crying, comforting, eventual aftercare, eventual happy ending, etc.

Enjoy (;

The sound of skin slapping and of panting breaths filled the room. Alex was holding you on your knees by your hair and hip, as she pile drived into you from behind with her double ended strap.

She was going fast. She had wasted no time when you had come over, having stripped you and put you on all fours within minutes, saying something about work being long. She was fucking you hard. Alex pulled your hair tighter as she came closer to her climax. You squeezed your eyes shut tight. She was fucking you rough from behind, whispering the most degrading dirty talk in your ear.

You were gonna cum. So was she.

You both came Alex first, then you, before she pulled out of you and you both collapsed on the bed next to each other. Alex muttered a thank you before swiftly getting up and getting dressed again.

But you stayed in bed. You were sore. And the second she had pulled out of you, a wave of heavy sadness had hit you like a brick. Alex left the room to her closet to put her dirty clothes away and grab new ones.

A tear accidentally escaped down your cheeks. Your lips began to trembled. You couldn’t hold it in anymore. You sat up on the side of the bed and quickly wiped away the tears, trying to stifle the tsunami of emotions crashing into you. You then got up, with wobbly and sore legs, and went to pick up all your clothes. Alex came back into the bedroom as you were quickly and desperately getting dressed.

“Hey. Where are you going?” She asked, finishing putting her shirt on.

You looked away immediately, trying to rid your face of any evidence of sadness, while continuing to rush to dress.

“Gotta go…” you mumbled in no particular direction.

Alex’s stomache dropped. Something was wrong and she could feel it. The blonde came up to you, placing a hand on your back shoulder. You jumped at the contact, and that told Alex that her instincts were right.

“Hey. Hey, sweetheart… Talk to me, please…” Alex spoke gently.

You finally looked at the woman. Your lip started to tremble and your eyes were glossy. And then your legs gave out on you, being too sore and wobbly from your previous activities to handle such weight. Alex swiftly caught you with concern washed all over her face. She picked you up and placed you on the edge of the bed, sitting next to you. Your tears started to flow freely and you choked on your own air.

“What is it…?” Alex pled softly.

You sniffled, wiping your tears away once more.

“I… dunno— too much…” you chocked out in gasps.

“Oh Sweetheart… I’m sorry…” Alex sighed in concern, “Can I… Would it be alright if I touch you…?” She gently asked.

You nodded slowly, before feeling the woman’s hand on your back, comforting you with circular motions. Seeing you like this made Alex clench in anxiety and her head swim with guilt.

“Was I too rough…? Was the strap too big…?” Alex concerningly urged you to speak up.

You gulped, your breathing was still shallow and gasping.

“Mm hurts a little…” you whispered in confession, looking down in embarrassment.

Alex then grabbed your chin and directed your gaze to hers. Her own eyes were glossy now.

“Hey. Listen to me. This is not your fault. It’s mine. I am truly sorry, Y/N. I should have asked before I was so rough and degrading… before I used a new, bigger toy…” Alex apologized, as a tear rolled down her cheek.

You shook your head as the tears continued to fall.

“No no…it’s okay—” you stammered, before Alex interrupted you.

“No, sweetheart, it’s not. Not only did I come in and just use you for sex, but afterwards I just got up to get dressed… I didn’t… I didn’t check in or take care of you… Fuck Y/N I am so sorry, and I understand if you want to leave…” Alex breathed out.

You shook your head again.

“Don’t wanna leave…” you breathed out.

At this, Alex smiled lightly. And she nodded in response.

“Alright sweetheart, well how about a bath…?” Alex gently said, “Then maybe we can talk about some food…?”

You were starting to feel a little better now, although you were still sore. You pulled Alex’s hand into your lap and squeezed them in reassurance.

“Yes please…” you said, and Alex nodded, promptly picking you up and carrying you into the bathroom.

Once the tub was filled and you were in it, you reached for Alex’s hand.

“Join me…?” You whispered.

Alex’s face lit up even more and she nodded happily, taking her clothes off and getting into the warm water. You instinctually cuddled up into her frame and let out a deep sigh, finally feeling some relief.

“Thank you, Lex…” you whispered.

“Of course. I’m so sorry…” Alex said, sounding like a broken record.

“Is okay, Lex really…” you hummed.

“No it’s not…” she choked out.

You looked around to find Alex now in tears. Your face washed over in concern in guilt.

“No no no, Lexie it’s okay” you scrambled to calm the blonde.

“But… I took advantage of you…” Alex stammered.

“It was a mistake, you didn’t mean it—” you said in gentle comfort.

“But H-how could you ever forgive m-me…?” She choked out.

You brought your free hand up to caress Alex’s cheek. Your galley eyes meeting her teary ones.

“Alex, baby, listen to me. It is okay. If anything, it’s my fault for not saying anything. And it’s not like I didn’t enjoy it, it just… it was a little too much to handle, that’s all…” you reassured her.

Another tear escaped Alex’s eye, which you caught and wiped away lovingly. The blonde smiled lightly and nodded.

“Thank you, sweetheart…” Alex sighed, “I love you”

“Love you too.” You whispered, pressing your lips against Alex’s lightly and for a moment, before you both pulled away with sighs of content.

~~~

Alex Cabot Masterlist ~Coming Soon (;

#alex cabot #alexandra cabot #Alex Cabot angst #Alex Cabot smut #Alex Cabot fluff #alex cabot x reader #Ada cabot #Ada Alexandra Cabot #law and order smut #law and order x reader #law and order fic #law and order fanfiction #law and order special victims unit #law and order svu #law and order fluff #law and order angst #law & order #law & order svu #law & order special victims unit #svu #svu x reader #SVU smut #SVU fluff #svu fanfiction #svu fic #SVU angst #stephanie march #cissyenthusiast010155 answers #dom!alex Cabot #dom/sub

[dabilove27]

Hi Rach 🥰🥰

Could I request prompt #3 with Madara Uchiha, mayhaps? ❤️

Or honestly write whoever you want for that prompt, with a little dash of angst. I love that prompt so I’m excited to see what you do with it!

Congrats on your follower milestone my love! 💕

Hello lovely Lauren!!!! I am sorry this took me so long! Life and kidney stones completely destroyed my schedule! Thank you so much to @lady-lunaaa for giving this a quick read through!

Link to the masterlist

Warnings: hints of intimate moments, established relationship, pet name “my love” and a hint of angst. Let me know if I missed anything!

At night, the moon shines high and bright, casting its rays through your open window and illuminating Madara's skin. The weight of unspoken words fills the room with an uneasy silence. The two of you lay naked in your bed, the covers half strewn across your bodies.

"I thought you weren't going back," you finally muster up, your mouth dry and throat aching from the noises that had recently escaped you in an intimate moment with the man staring blankly at your ceiling. 

"I wasn't going to, but I must finish what I started. I can't allow this failed experiment to continue any further." Madara’s words drip with contempt.

You release a slight hum of acknowledgment even though there's an ache in your heart. You didn't anticipate developing feelings for the enigmatic man who arrived in town one day, brimming with animosity and rage. After spending a few unrestricted nights together at your home, you witnessed his passion and brilliant mind. He was definitely unlike any previous partner you've had.

Madara shared his aspirations for Konohagakure and how they were shattered when he witnessed his clan being suppressed by the Senjus. While he exudes confidence and cockiness in his ability to combat Hashirama, you feel apprehensive and concerned that the outcome could be fatal.

You wish he would stay by your side and abandon his plans to attack the village, but Madara is resolute. Is it foolish to desire a family to attain happiness with him? If you were to reveal your knowledge about him to others, they would definitely answer in the affirmative. The heart can be fragile when it comes to love, sometimes overlooking the flaws, especially when Madara manages to captivate you so swiftly.

The first time you saw him, he appeared like a shadow in the night. His long, dark hair that glistened in the moonlight. Scars littered the hard planes of his body. There were deep stress lines beneath his dark eyes. All of it drew you in. To put it mildly, he was handsome. 

Despite the logical warning to not pursue this elusive figure, your heart couldn’t resist his beckoning. The thought of him departing and never returning was too painful to bear. So instead of pushing the issue, you let your fingers trace over his toned stomach, following each scar slowly. 

That was your intention, or so you thought. Instead of controlling your emotions, you blurted out selfishly, "But what about me?"

Madara shifts his gaze towards you and carefully observes the anxiety and exasperation visible on your face with his intense, dark eyes. "My love, what about you?" He repeats the question you asked earlier. As he pulls you towards him, his face draws nearer to yours. His lips are against yours for a moment, and you can taste the remnants of you on his tongue. Just a reminder of how close the two of you were just moments ago. 

Madara pulls away from you too quickly and lets out a short growl as he whispers, "For you, my love, I would destroy the world." 

Thanks for reading!

#madara uchiha #madara uchiha x reader #madara x reader #madara uchiha x you #madara x you #madara drabble #naruto drabble #rach's 300 follower event #my writing

[mischiefandmedicine]

Very Full - Chapter 8: Beautiful Disaster

Summary: Following their passionate encounter at the end of time, Melara has an emotional performance at a music festival, effectively launching her musical career.

Word Count: 2,523 words.

Chapter Warnings: Lots of angst, anxiety with vomiting.

Soundtrack Link

This Chapter's Music Inspiration:

Beautiful Disaster (Live) by Kelly Clarkson

Very Full MASTERLIST

Previous Chapter

Let me know if you would like to be added to the taglist!

---

The golden hues of the sunrise crept through the sheer curtains of Melara’s bedroom, casting a mosaic of light and shadow across the walls. The room, usually vibrant with her laughter and song, now held a somber quiet. In the afterglow of her celestial encounter, she sat on the edge of her bed, her mind a tumultuous sea of memories and emotions.

Loki’s projection, once a comforting sentinel, now stood at a respectful distance, his form less substantial, more like a wisp of smoke caught in the evening breeze. He watched her with an aching intensity, the silence between them filled with the broken promises and words recently shouted in this room. It was all an echo of their shared past.

Melara smiled as she brushed her lips, remembering the feel of Loki’s upon hers. Her tousled hair floated around her form, tracing her shoulders lightly as she closed her eyes, trying to feel his embrace about her once more.

There was no universe in which the two of them could be together. Melara could not leave the only life she knew to live at the end of time. For what? To be a shadow? To be an Echo to his Narcissus? Loki’s obligations to the timelines were unyielding, anchoring him to his role as their overseer. His duties left no room for a life among the timelines he protected. Their encounter, while brief, was deeply profound, marking a rare moment of convergence between their worlds. It was a singular instance of joy and connection, destined to be cherished but never repeated.

And then there was his projection. The apparition that she had initially thought was the god she loved. He stood watch over her as she reminisced silently. Knowing that Loki was on the other end, controlling the magic and sensing all that this “fake” Loki experienced did not sit well with her. Remembering his presence, she whispered, not daring to look at the specter, “Give me time,” she said, her voice a soft murmur that seemed to pull at the threads of his being. “I need to find my footing again, in a world where you cannot stay, and I just…cannot be where you are.”

The projection nodded, an ethereal gesture that belied the depth of his agreement. “As you wish, my ‘Lara,” she smiled at the subtle pun he had made with her name. “I will watch over you, unseen, unheard, until you call for me again.” His voice, even as a mere duplication, held the warmth of the stars among which they had danced.

His projection faded with a bright green shimmer as Melara turned away. Instead, her thoughts shifted to that night’s performance. It turned out that Loki was not the only one she had enchanted with her voice on the night she’d met him. As fate would have it, a local booking agent happened into the bar, mesmerized by her voice as well. Days later, she would receive a call offering to have her open for a renowned band at a local outdoor music festival.

She let her fingers drift across the strings of her guitar mindlessly as she found herself distracted by thoughts of Loki. But she would not relent; she would not let the memory of his intoxicating scent or his fingers upon her skin distract her from the performance that was more about her love for music than a love for calling out to the god of stories…her god of stories.

            I am yours, Melara.

The room, still tinged with the echoes of their parting, slowly returned to the mundane rhythm of her world as the day progressed. Melara, embracing the solitude, turned her focus to the strings of her guitar, the familiar weight in her hands grounding her in the present. With each chord struck, her thoughts of Loki began to fade, replaced by the anticipation of the performance ahead.

Evening descended, draping the bustling city in hues of twilight as Melara stepped on the stage to roaring applause as she glowed in the spotlight. The band striking up the first song of the set fired her up as she began. The festival air was electric, pulsating with the energy of eager crowds and distant melodies. A single spotlight carved out her space in the darkness, her silhouette a beacon to the gathering throng as her voice commanded the attention of every attendee.

As the first notes of her second song, this time a fast-paced crowd-pleaser, each lyric spun from her soul, Melara’s voice captured the audience once more, her presence an embodiment of music’s raw power over the human form. Amidst the crowds, she felt alone yet not alone – each word, each melody, a bridge between her and the listeners, a shared journey through the landscape of her artistry.

She scanned the crowd for a familiar face. His face. She had wondered if he would be there, watching over her in silent support once more. Instead, she saw the visages of countless strangers awe-stricken by her powerful voice as she crooned out the final notes of the crowd-charging anthem.

Thoughts of Loki charged her mind as the music stopped and the haze of the crowd’s roar began to fade into the background. It had been mere hours and Melara missed being by his side, the feel of his warm skin, how his eyes reflected the depths of his love for her without a spoken word. The longing for him was agonizing as she panted breathlessly attempting to right herself before the next song of her set.

Sitting at the grand piano that had been wheeled out on the stage, Melara shushed the crowd. “Good evening, folks! How are y’all doin’ tonight?!” Thunderous applause roared from the arena.

“I’m Melara Brandt and I’m here to welcome you to the show!”

The crowd cheered boisterously once more as she began to play twinkling notes on the piano before her, an effort to test the sound balance and hush the throngs of people more as she transitioned into a slower ballad.

“Let’s slow it down a little with a rendition of an amazing song that I have loved for years,” Melara intoned. “I just want to tell you, this song means a lot to me and is a tribute to an admiration of the exquisite chaos that is love. I know each and every one of y’all knows what I mean!”

Screams of agreement came from the crowd. Cheering her on as her enchanting voice hypnotized the people before her.

“I want you to sing with me if you know the words. This is Beautiful Disaster,” Melara’s voice softened as she began playing the subdued arrangement of the song that showcased the range of her voice. But as her fingers struck the notes, she found her mind wandering to Loki again, this time she allowed herself to feel the words and lean into her emotions rather than let them hold her back from this moment.

He drowns in his dreams, An exquisite extreme I know. He’s as damned as he seems, More heaven than a heart could hold. And if I try to save him, My whole world may cave in. It just ain’t right. It just ain’t right.

The crowd lay eerily silent as Melara sang. Her voice echoed the depths of the sentiment she had felt with Loki at the end of time. His emerald eyes wearily pierced her mind, the glow reflected in his crown, and the shimmering gold of his throne etched into every part of her mind as the song took her back to their precious moments intertwined in the bliss of sheer passion.

Oh and I don’t know, I don’t know what he’s after. But he’s so beautiful, He’s such a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter, Lord, would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster?

The tears in her eyes threatened to overtake her in this moment, but she held on for the moment. It was her duty to their relationship, the least she could do was honor him in this song, even if he was not present to hear her sing her heart out to a near-packed stadium with throngs of people now adoring fans of her magical voice.

He’s magic and myth, As strong as what I believe. A tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. And do I try to change him? So hard not to blame him. Hold me tight. Baby, hold me tight. Oh, and I don’t know, I don’t know what he’s after. But he’s so beautiful, He’s such a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter, Lord, would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster?

A flash of her kissing his tears away on the throne played at the corners of her memories. It had been just a few short hours for her, but she imagined that her departure had seemed like eons had passed for him as he sat dutiful, the strands of time given life by his touch. Her heart ached for the loneliness she knew he must have felt seeing her leave. She pounded the keys harder, taking out her own frustration and pain on the keys as the bridge of the song approached.

I’m longing for love and the logical, But he’s only happy hysterical. I’m searching for some kind of miracle, I’ve waited so long, Waited so long.

He’s soft to the touch, But frayed at the end he breaks. He’s never enough, And still he’s more than I can take.

The song slowed to a near standstill as Melara looked out at the crowd, tears blurring her vision as she reached the climax of the song. Though she felt weak at the knees, her voice called out stronger than it ever had. She found the strength within to push through though the emotional pain tugged at every fiber of her being, threatening to pull her apart. If she could, she would set the whole world on fire at the unfairness of allowing a soul like Loki to sit alone at the end of time when he deserved so much more.

Oh, and I don’t know, I don’t know what he’s after. But he’s so beautiful, He’s such a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter, Lord, would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster?

Loki had changed. So had she. The anguish in her voice shone through as she finished the final words of the song in a hushed airy melody.

He’s beautiful. He’s so beautiful. He’s beautiful.

It took all the strength Melara could muster to finish the last song of her set before she ran off stage, vomiting in the closest trash can as she hyperventilated in panic. She did not see how she would live the rest of her life without him, but could not even fathom the idea of pantomiming a life with the avatar of him.

What have I done to deserve this? It’s not fair!

Her skin burned with impassioned anger, kicking the walls of the stage and the equipment around her in rage. Just then, a familiar face pulled her back to Earth. It was her mother, a stage pass dangling around her neck as she smiled proudly in the direction of her daughter.

Melara’s eyes blazed wide, relieved to see her mother, but still feeling her blood boil with a heat reminiscent of the last pain episode that had landed her in the hospital. This felt different though. She felt like she would explode into a pile of ashes if she allowed the anger and rage to progress any further.

Melara ran to her mother with a harrowing look on her face, gripping her mother tightly as she sobbed.

“Darling, what’s wrong? Are you ok? Is it the pain again?” Evelyn comforted her daughter, before pulling back. “Love, you’re so warm. You’re burning up! Let’s get you some water and come stay with me tonight. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

She pulled her mother close to her again, trembling fiercely as she managed to eek out a, “Thanks, mom,” just loud enough for her mother to hear.

As the last notes of Melara’s performance echoed into silence, the crowd’s applause continued to thunder like a storm through the festival grounds. She bowed once more in the direction of the people who could still see her, a gesture both of gratitude and a silent plea for respite from the torrent of emotions threatening to overwhelm her. It was then that Evelyn’s voice, tinged with disbelief, cut through the din.

 “Honey, isn’t that…?” Her words trailed off, but her gaze pierced the sea of faces, locking onto one that defied reason.

Melara followed her mother’s line of sight, and for a fleeting heartbeat, her world tilted on its axis. There, amongst the nameless faces, stood a hauntingly familiar vision, almost painfully so. It was Loki, or at least the shape of him, half-shrouded in the evening’s shadow, his presence could have been an impossibility, but there he was. Melara refused to contemplate this manifestation further.

“No, mom. It can’t be,” Melara murmured, her voice a mere wisp. “It’s just a trick of the light, a shadow. He’s not…he can’t be here.” Her words were a lifeline thrown to her own reeling senses, a desperate attempt to cling to the realm of reality where gods did not walk amongst mortals. At least the echoes of gods, anyway.

Evelyn, sensing the shift in her daughter, offered a comforting arm. “Let’s get you out of here, sweetie. You’ve done enough for tonight. I wouldn’t want you to overdo it and have another episode.”

Melara nodded, grateful for the escape. “Yea, let’s go.” Her reply was automatic, but her eyes remained fixed on the figure in the audience until the very last moment when the sea of bodies closed around him, swallowing the illusion – or truth – whole.

They retreated from the stage, the clamor of the festival fading into a distant hum as they navigated through the labyrinth of backstage corridors. With every step, Melara’s insistence on the impossibility of Loki’s presence warred with the raw yearning that his supposed sighting had ignited within her. The night air, once a refreshing comfort, now felt heavy, charged with the desires she dared not voice.

As they emerged into the quieter outskirts of the festival, Melara’s gaze lingered on the horizon, where the celestial canvas stretched wide and untouchable. It was a reminder of the distance between her world and his, between the life she must lead and the dreams she held close.

“Melara?” Evelyn’s voice, gentle yet probing, called her back.

“Yes, I’m here,” she said, her voice steady despite the tumult within. “I’m here.” And with a final glance at the night sky, she stepped forward into the unknown paths that lay ahead, the echo of a god’s laughter and the memory of what felt like a dream the only companions to her silent vigil.

---

Taglist: @mischief2sarawr

#loki masterlist #loki fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki imagine #loki laufeyson fanfic #loki laufeyson #loki odinson #loki marvel #loki #loki series #loki x reader #tva loki

[anonymityisfunwriter]

Hi, i want to start this by saying i absolutely love your work and you are one of the few writers i would trust to write this request. Recently i experienced whats called chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is a pregnancy that usually doesnt make it past about the first 2 months of pregnancy. I miscarried at 5 weeks, the night after i found out i was pregnant. It was an unplanned and frankly unwanted pregnancy due to multiple reasons so its a conflicting situation for me. I was wondering if you could write a fic with Bf!Bucky where reader has to tell Bucky about the situation (minus the unwanted part but still unplanned) and he comforts her and her unusual and confusing (due to the circumstances) grieving process. I would really appreciate this fic as this is something that has been really hard for me but please do not feel pressured to write this if it makes you uncomfortable. <3

Hi,

First and foremost, I am so very sorry. Regardless of the situation, this must be so incredibly difficult for you.

Thank you for trusting me with something like this, I can really only hope I do it justice or offer you the smallest amount of solace or distraction. Please let me know if you need anything or if I can pray for you or simply send you some good thoughts and love. My inbox is always open.

And if you are just apart of my usual audience, this is NOT part of the Grumpy x Sunshine series or any of my usual series, please heed the content and trigger warnings, while there is nothing graphic in this fic, there are some very heavy themes.

Proceed with caution.

CW/TW: Discussing child loss/miscarriage, pregnancy, and other related content

--

A Different Type of Grief

Grief.

Grief was familiar.

This was an entirely different type of grief.

It settles in the depths of your bones. Wrapping around your ribcage like a python. Not necessarily suffocating you, but just constricting enough that you felt the pain with every breath.

Every single breath was a reminder.

There were moments that you weren't sure what you were actually grieving.

An idea of a future that you didn't know you wanted quite yet. Of a person that you didn't know. A person you would now never get to know.

You'd known for less than a day.

Admittedly, the little pink plus sign was a surprise.

You never would've known if it weren't for the fact that you had to take a pregnancy test before changing birth control.

You highly doubt you would've known anything was wrong otherwise. Knowing that, makes it all the more painful.

That one day was filled with the most heightened emotions you'd ever known.

First, intense surprise. Followed by intense anxiety. And then, complete, total, unbridled happiness.

You suppose that it only made sense that this suffering was also intense. Unimaginable. Unfathomable.

When you found out, Bucky's return was still 48 hours away, but you were already planning on how you could tell him the second he got back.

You'd talked about the possibility of having a family before. And while this would be deviating from the plan you talked about before, it was still something you both ardently wanted.

You had so many ideas on how to tell him the joyous news.

You had not a single one for how to tell him this.

For the 24 hours that you knew, you spent it reimagining the future you thought you wanted. You dove in head first, embracing it in spite of all the reservations and reasons that you once held.

Chemical pregnancy. Those were really the only words that you heard. Just like that, your new future was gone, ripped away like it was nothing.

The last 24 hours were something that you would not wish upon your worst enemy, a suffering too terrible to name.

Your heart clenched every time you thought about it. About taking that away from him like it'd been taken from you. The idea of being parents. The excitement that would build over those nine months. It hurt.

It hurt so much you didn't know how your bones hadn't crumbled under the pressure.

"Doll, I'm back," Bucky announces. You wince when you hear his voice echo down the hall. Normally, you'd be waiting for him or you'd bound into his arms and showering him with affection the moment he opened the door. He frowns at the peculiarity, ambling into the apartment with his duffle bag in hand. "Doll?"

He finds you in the kitchen, obsessively cleaning and rearranging one of the spice cabinets. "Doll?"

You can't bring yourself to look at him, instead, you hyper fixate on the cabinet. Barely sparing Bucky an acknowledgement, you mumble, "Hi."

"Is everything okay?"

No, you think to yourself, none of it was okay.

You fervently shake your head, "No. This is wrong, it's all wrong!"

In spite of the last 24 hours you spent obsessively cleaning your apartment from top to bottom, you sweep the first row of spices with your hand. They scatter and smash all over the pristine floor.

Bucky jolts at the shock of the abrupt action, "Can you please talk to me? You're scaring me a little bit."

You look down at your shoes, the same ones you'd worn for the last 24 hours, not having changed once since the doctor uttered those awful words, now covered in little shards of glass.

Bucky steps to the side of you, the sound of glass crunching underneath his shoes not even registering in his mind.

Your eyes remain downcast, still staring at the floor. Your eyes flicker over to his boots. "We should stop wearing shoes in the house."

"Can you please talk to me? What's going on? Did something happen?" Bucky desperately pleads, trying to catch your eye.

You side step him, walking to the front door to place your shoes on the shoe rack, quietly murmuring, "We really should stop wearing shoes in the house."

Bucky trails right behind you, slightly disturbed by the zombie like state in which you were operating.

"What's-" he trails off, his eyes flickering to a white card on the coffee table.

On it, a small cartoon stork is carrying a little bundle in its beak.

His sharp gasp stops you in your tracks.

You squeeze your eyes shut, striding over to the table as quickly as you can to get rid of the reminder.

"I'm sorry, I meant to throw this away," you blankly mutter, taking the card you made for Bucky off the table.

"Can you please just sit down and talk to me? Are you- Are we?"

You turn back to him and it doesn't take him much to deduce the answer from your glassy eyes and the pained look on your face. "No, we're not. Not anymore."

"Not anymore," Bucky quietly repeats to himself.

Hearing him repeat the words hits you like a ton of bricks. You feel yourself unravel, no longer able to push away the unimaginable.

"I'm - I'm so sorry," you apologize, your voice cracking as you feel yourself dissipate into a puddle of tears.

Unlike the last 24 hours, this time, Bucky is there to catch you. He braces his arms as you crumble into him. You feel your knees give out and suddenly, he's the only thing holding you up, only thing holding you together.

You clutch his shirt, balled up in your fist like it's your lifeline.

"It's okay," he promises, stroking the back of your head as you sob into his shoulder. Even as tears burn and well in his eyes, he focuses on the heart ache you must be feeling. "It's okay."

"I didn't do anything wrong," you brokenly whisper.

"Oh, I know, I know you didn't," Bucky consoles you, embracing you as tightly as he can. The two of you holding onto each other as you both fought the urge to swim down into the sea of despair. "It's not your fault."

"I didn't do anything wrong," you swear over and over again.

"It's okay. We're gonna be okay," Bucky promises.

AnonymityIsFun Masterlist

General Taglist: @ludicbouquetfromearth @famousbreadcherryblossomsstuff @geminigengar @@melsmelsmels @ecolle @ybflkmj @mediocre-daydreams @thegirlnextdoorssister @toomanyfanficsbruh @mirikusashes @infamouslyclumsy

#anonymityisfunwriter #anonymityisfun #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #reader insert #x reader #marvel fanfiction #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky angst #bucky x female reader #james buchanan barnes #bucky #bucky fic #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes au #bucky x you #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine

[jellogram]

I'm about two weeks clean from SSRIs now and I am more or less convinced that these drugs are 90% useless and the only reason anyone thinks they work is because they work great for the first few months and have wicked withdrawals if you stop. So you take some pills, feel a lot better, and feel satisfied that they're working. Then when the honeymoon phase ends so you decide to stop taking them, you feel awful. So again you are convinced that they must be working. Because even though you felt bad while on them, you felt worse when you stopped.

I felt like shit for about week every time I decreased my dosage, but after that, I felt fine on the new lower dose. And now I'm off them completely and I feel literally exactly the same. In fact I'm less anxious, because I no longer have to deal with filling the prescription and remembering to take them.

Obviously I haven't met every single person on SSRIs and I am ultimately just an idiot going off of my own experiences and what I've heard from others. But with all the side effects? With the intense withdrawals? The drug interactions? The fucking speed at which these drugs are prescribed to anyone with any mood issues? My doc refused to test me for ADHD before I went on daily SSRIs, for fuck's sake. When I told her they stopped working she doubled my dose to twice the normal limit and I became a zombie.

There is something seriously wrong with how these drugs are being treated as a slapdash insta-fix for depression and anxiety and being prescribed to fucking EVERYONE with any issues. Everyone I know who has any emotional unrest at all has been on an SSRI at some point and I've yet to hear anyone actually swear by them. Somewhere between 10-15% of Americans are on this shit. That's fucking unreal but I feel like I'm screaming into the abyss.

[teenageheartthrob]

Final Exit - Part 5 (Stucky x Reader)

Series Summary: Bucky is injured during a mission. It's up to you and Steve to rescue him, but is it too late?

Category: Angst, fluff

Ship: Steve x Reader x Bucky (Stucky x Reader)

Trigger Warnings: Injury, mentions of death, mentions of drugs, surgery, life-support.

Word Count: 2.2 k

A/N: Y'all I am so sorry this took so long to get out, I had the worst writer's block its honestly shameful.

----------

Steve stood over his lover, the piece he thought he’d lost. He looked so peaceful, so angelic. He could almost convince himself the man beneath him was sleeping, not pumped full of drugs as the case was. It almost made the blond cry, new meaning still too fresh in his mind. 

He was sure that whenever the once endearing nickname “angel” now slipped from his lips, salty tears would follow. Somehow, he also knew that the name would never again be be shared between his partners as it used to be. Not out of spite, or hatred or favouritism, but fear. 

An intense, unshakable and crippling fear. 

The exact emotion that people in your line of work were sidelined for experiencing. 

Since news of Bucky’s survival, both you and your partner had remained in a constant state of anxiety. Unable to see him for over 30 hours, prohibited by doctors in case of a sudden change in his condition, the separation was killing you.

And just as you were separated from Bucky, the captain was still yet to make his way back to you completely, a wound he knew, well, he hoped, time would have a hand in healing; he wasn’t certain of much anymore.

With both of your emotions still so raw, and no certainty to comfort the instability, every part of him ached for you, longed to be close to you, as he used to be. 

But Bucky…

Captain America was no stranger to emotional turmoil but this was Steve’s biggest battle to date. 

An observer would have seen Steve Rogers choosing James Barnes over Y/N L/N, as he spent every moment he was allowed by his brunet partner’s side. But you saw the selflessness in his actions. 

You saw his eyes lingering on your fingers intertwining with Bucky’s when you visited, you saw him re-filling your water when you left the room. You saw him waiting until he was in the right place to talk to you about your argument. 

Steve saw your insecurities, ‘maybe he does love James more than me.’ He observed the way you held yourself, remaining strong for everyone else under the circumstances, himself included. Meanwhile, the symbol of hope of freedom wilted away, petals falling as offerings at the pedestals of you and Bucky. 

The scheduled visits you paid to your partner’s hospital room, ensuring you checked on both him and Steve before leaving were a stark contrast to the hero’s own prolonged sittings, practically glued to the soldier’s side. 

A man, a soldier, a fighter, a friend, a lover, a partner, had just narrowly escaped the clutches of death to miraculously return to the living. Truth be told, there was still a chance he would not make it, but each passing hour gave everyone another breath of hope. 

—

“Ultimately, it’s your choice.” 

Helen Cho spoke softly, as though she was afraid her patient would hear your conversation, through both his medically induced coma and the conference room walls. Still, you appreciated that she sounded as though the conversation was as difficult for her professionally as it was personally. 

“If I could interject,” Dr. Banner raised his hand slightly, drawing your attention. As someone with a scientific background and in intimate connection to the situation, you needed his objective opinion to guide you when you were too distraught to think clearly. “There really is no risk involved here.”

“No risk?!” Steve questioned from beside you.

Banner shot him a sympathetic glance, his presence was similarly valued amongst all the chaos. “What I mean is, if he doesn’t have the surgery, the infection will continue to weaken and…kill him again, yes?” You shivered internally as your already chilled blood ran even colder still at the doctor’s confirmation of Bruce’s explanation. “The risk was before he, well…before, was that his body would be unable to handle the heavy sedation and rigorous recovery process. Forgive me for being crude, but it seems now that whether or not he has the surgery, the outcome could be the same.”

You turned to look out of the window at the end of the room. Agents that looked like ants from where you were standing, ran drill after drill along the compound grounds below you. A melancholy ghost of a smile crossed your face as you realised that if it were any other day, it would have been Steve, Bucky and Sam running those drills. 

Instead, Natasha and a few S.H.I.E.L.D higher ups stood in their places, giving the trainees more hell than your boys likely would have.

Bruce had a point, the situation couldn’t get any worse. You had already lost him once, so you could go into it more prepared if you had to a second time around. You knew you and Steve wouldn’t survive as a couple but it wasn’t like he was really here with you now anyway. His heart belonged to Bucky, it was born with him and a love like that would be buried with him too. 

On the other hand, if Shuri promised you she could do something, as she had over her earlier conference call, rarely, if ever, was that promise broken. 

You realised you were making this decision without Bucky- for him, you and Steve. Honestly, you were relieved, because you knew what this meant for him, and the guttural anger and hurt that would rise from your brunet soldier when, if, he awoke. 

But if there was even a chance of getting him back…tears blurred your vision and the ants turned to mere dots in a sea of green below you. 

“Y/N, Steve,” Bruce tried to reassure you both, “Bucky did the impossible, he came back from the dead. If anyone can survive this surgery it’s him.”

“I wouldn’t be advising you to do this unless I had complete faith in the science and medical team behind it. But we are going to need an answer from both of you. We don’t know how much longer his condition will hold,” Dr Cho spoke, professionalism returning to her voice. 

You nodded your approval towards Bruce after a moments tense silence. You reminded yourself to thank him once more for his guidance, and to possibly ask him to help get you into witness protection if the Winter Soldier survived and came after you.

“Do it,” you heard your blond partner utter resolutely, alternate persona taking hold.

You turned, hoping to meet Steve’s eyes; a quiet confirmation you were doing the right thing for the man you both loved. 

But a glance at where he had stood, led you to nothing but an empty space.

—-

It was three days later when James Buchanan Barnes opened his eyes again, unaware of how much time had passed, and the events that had transpired since he had last closed his eyes. 

But those around him had felt the agonising pain of each passing moment. If not pain for the man himself, then for watching his partners, his lovers, come to terms with what their new life would look like. 

The only way to save James Barnes fleeting life, you had been told, was to remove the diseased tissue, the source of the infection - Bucky’s only flesh arm, from the shoulder. 

You knew once he awoke, he would be temporarily devastated. Mentally, you and Steve would lose him all over again. 

However, his pain be somewhat more bearable, you hoped, thanks to Shuri’s magic touch.

It was during this three day period, that your other partner slipped into bed beside you ritualistically, as though he had been there all his life.

You would spent the rest of your life thanking Bruce Banner, you feared. His knowing smile upon seeing the pair of you together once more revealed his hand in the gesture. It felt like your heart was finally starting to piece itself back together again.

That was when you had the idea.

“I want him in here with us, Stevie. If he’s stable, I want him to stay here. I want him home.” 

After some convincing and heavy monitoring set-up, Dr. Cho left the soldier where he belonged, in the arms of his partners. After all, he was still in the compound, just a different room. 

The first time James re-opened his eyes, he knew he wasn’t dead. He wasn’t in heaven, he just couldn’t be. All it took was the familiar scent of your perfume and feel of fresh linen Steve insisted on pressing, for Bucky Barnes to realise he was home. 

He had made it to three days post surgery, his chances were looking optimistically good, and both you and Steve wanted your partner where you could still reach out for him at night. 

---

The new arm was vibranium, like the first replacement. The super soldier’s body and the serum inhabiting it, was less likely to reject the material that way, Drs Cho and Banner informed him, as he lay in his bed like a fucking vegetable. 

They were weening him off of the anaesthetic and codeine cocktail they had been keeping him on, and his body was yet to catch up to his brain it seemed. 

Bucky quickly realised that he’d zoned out of about half of the conversation. 

“But there have been some improvements compared to the other model.” But that got his attention real fast.

Millions of receptors along the length of the vibranium acted in much the same way as nerves in the skin. He would be able to feel everything. 

Since the loss of his left arm, James’ most heartbreaking obstacle with his replacement was the lack of sensitivity. 

He had basic sense when it came it touch, but fine material such as rice through the palm or yours or Steve’s soft hair through his fingers, that was something he lacked. 

It drove him crazy every now and again, and was usually a contributing factor to the beginning of a spiral regarding of his own life; what he had lost and what he used to be.

But there was a price to pay too. The super soldier would still feel pain in that arm during missions; something you firmly believed he had seen more than enough of for the two, now three lifetimes he had lived. 

Shuri assured you that in time, once he became used to the overstimulation from his new limb, she would be able to update the left limb to match right one.

Almost every person that saw him wore a bullshit smile, as though that would somehow fuel his recovery. Bucky saw right through them, and as people talked down to him as though he was a child, all he wanted to do was grab them by the throat and drag them down to his level. 

But that wasn’t going to happen. 

He barely had the strength to stand up on his own, or tolerance to stay awake, preferring sleeping as an alternative to a limited supply of pain medications that could send his already fragile body into some form of arrest. 

So James smiled the same smile back, with the hopes that they got the hint to fuck off. 

He heard things during these visits, things he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to.

Doctors hushed whispers to Tony about medical clearance and when he would be fit for active duty. Conversations between you and Steve when you thought no one else could hear. 

Hushed voices in the darkness. 

Bucky heard almost every one of them, his anger sobering into something much more desolate. 

“I need him to be okay this time, Steve. Because I don’t know what I’ll do if he’s not.”

His girl. All he wanted to do was to hold you, pull you back into his orbit and realign the three of your lives into one. Permanently he hoped. 

---

Both you and the your blond counterpart had him wrapped between you that night. He couldn’t even remember how the comment pierced the silence, but it didn’t nonetheless. 

“I saw a light,” the brunet started, and felt your holds on him stiffen, “I came back for you, doll. Couldn't leave you two here with all the stupid.”

The captain chuckled tearily and Bucky was aware of a larger hand squeezing his own, he actually felt it.

As the two were temporarily lost the safety of each other’s embrace, you looked at both of your boys, a weight lifted at seeing Steve slowly returning to himself. 

You vowed to never let yourself forget how grateful you felt in that moment. 

Unbeknownst to you and Steve, Bucky made a vow of his own in that moment. The soldier had often experienced phantom limb syndrome and he was certain he would again now. 

But the greatest heartbreak James Barnes had ever felt, was waking from a dream time and time again; his calloused thumb twisting cool metal so delicately against the flesh of his ring finger, only to realise that it was not this reality he was seeing before him. 

Bucky would be able to feel his wedding ring on his finger, and slip matching ones onto the hands of the two people who had saved him in every life he had lived, who he loved more than anything. 

A confession of his love and unity, his vow to you both. 

----------

Okay I swear there's one more part and it will be out quicker than this last update was!

Taglist:

@maryam0831

@royalwolfimports

@pono-pura-vida

@scarlettflame19

#angst #avengers #steve rogers #americas ass #avengers x y/n #actors #celebrities #books & libraries #avengers x reader #avengers imagine #the avengers #avengers fic rec #avengers fic #avengers fanfiction #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x bucky barnes #avengers assemble #captain america #stucky x y/n #stucky x you #stucky x reader #stucky #steve x bucky #bucky barns x you #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #bucky x you

[13eyond13]

Hi...Can I ask your top 3 favorite characters from Nana? And why you loved them? And your top 5 favorite moments from the series? Thanks if you want to answer....

Hi hi!! I would LOVE to try to talk about this series for a bit, but PLEASE keep in mind I'm still only just finished volume 7 / chapter 24 (I am currently waiting in line to read volume 8 at my library! But I might get impatient and just try to find the chapters online too)... MY TOP 3 FAVE NANA CHARACTERS (SO FAR) 1. NANA KOMATSU / NANA 1 / "HACHI": OMG I love Nana 1 to death hahahaha. She literally makes me lol every single volume with her thoughts and decisions and interactions with everyone else, and it's just the most fun in the series to be inside her brain and following along with her relationships and emotional roller-coasters and little life lessons and anxieties and pains and hopes and dreams. She's an awesome character to me for being flawed and complex and selfish and immature yet still very likable and oddly tough and brave and sweet as pie at the same time. I think seeing the growth she's having as a person over the series is definitely the main draw for me, and watching her try to figure out her feelings for everybody and her place in the world and how to become the type of person that contains all the personality traits she's always admiring around her - and how to fill that void she feels of never completely erasing the loneliness inside or being perfectly synced up with the people she's trying to form a deeper connection with.

2. NANA OSAKI / NANA 2:

She's mysterious, she's proud, she's tough, she's badass, she's funny and sensible and kind! I love the more grown-up and emotionally reserved vibe she has in comparison to Nana 1, which totally makes sense considering her harder childhood and how self-reliant she always had to be. Her casual warmth with Hachi is endearing and her less obviously expressive and highly independent yet still emotionally intense personality is very relatable to me. It's the most fun to see Hachi reacting to Nana 2 to me I think, because Nana 2 is more closed off and a bit more afraid of exploring her feelings unabashedly than Nana 1. But she's by far my other fave in the series, and of course the heart of the whole thing is the very ambiguously devoted relationship between the 2 Nanas for me!

3. ???? I don't think I have a third main fave character in the story yet??

At the beginning of the manga I quite liked Shoji and Junko, but as the series is progressing it seems like they both got written out of the plot almost entirely. I liked Junko for always keeping it real with Nana and caring about her in a tough love sort of way, though she did for sure just seem a bit like the "voice of reason" character for the more ridiculous Nana to bounce off of whenever she was in a bind... I liked Shoji because he seems like a regular kid instead of some idealistic fictional love interest hunk - his reactions to Nana K. were pretty relatable to me, and their romantic interactions were cute and made me laugh and also cringe with sympathy at times (like when it was so awkward when Nana first moved to Tokyo too and they were still trying to readjust to being around each other more - I remember similar things happening to me whenever I had been long-distance in a relationship for a summer and and then suddenly near my partner again at some time). Even in the part where he starts developing feelings for Sachiko and sneakily cheating on Nana, I always felt he behaved pretty understandably and wasn't a horrible person so much as just a conflicted and young and immature one who wasn't in the right relationship when he was with Nana, maybe (though admittedly I wasn't that upset that he wasn't being featured in the story more after that, because that would probably get on my nerves). Currently I have just finished volume 7, and right now I am finding I don't feel a super strong connection to any of the other characters too much other than Nana 1 and Nana 2? The other guys in Blast are just okay to me, I don't have SUPER strong feelings about Nana getting together with Nobu (in fact I find him a little bit annoying at times - I agree with Shin that he "has some unrealistic ideas about women" and idealizes Nana too much - Yasu is chill and nice and wise, but a bit TOO chill and reserved to be super interesting to me). The members of Trapnest are also just okay to me? Ren bores me a little bit (maybe because I just would rather be reading about Nana 2 hanging out with Nana 1 than with him)... Reira is hard for me to form ANY opinions about other than eww, it's weird that she's sleeping with Shin, Takumi is a selfish yet possessive jerk and only thinking about himself, and I always forget the other one (Naoki?) even exists...

I WILL say that the little Nana 2 fangirl Misato is extremely cute and I'm always happy when she's on the page, hahaha. Her shameless devotion to Nana 2 and her politeness and extreme savviness about the music industry are just fun for me to read (as was Hachi's initial jealousy toward her, but I'm glad she managed to also eventually get over that)! --

MY TOP 5 FAVE NANA MOMENTS (SO FAR): Forgive me if these moments are completely arbitrary and sort of dumb picks, because I feel like I'm forgetting so much of the story from the previous volumes already, and I'm still only 1/3 of the way through the whole thing?? But here are ones that stood out to me whenever I was racking my brain: 5. Whenever Nana forces Shoji to let her sleep in his hotel room, then awkwardly sings him to sleep, and he's like: "YOU DON'T HAVE TO SING" hahaha...

my reaction to that was basically Junko's reaction:

4. Whenever Nana 2 starts getting jealous and confused about Hachi hooking up with Takumi I was like OHOHOH, HOW THE TURNS TABLE.... I think it's REALLY hard for Nana 2 to admit stuff like feeling vulnerable or jealous or possessive over Nana 1 at this point, and seeing her realize "heeyyyy maybe I want her attention and devotion a little more than I thought and was taking it for granted a bit"... that was a very feelsy little part! 3. Whenever Hachi is getting jealous about Nana 2's cute little fangirl and having super mean petty thoughts about her hahahah omg the most relatable thing of life! 2. When Nana 2 goes to Nobu after he first starts dating Hachi and is like: "I'M USING YOU TO KEEP NANA 1 IN MY LIFE FOREVER, SO DON'T MESS THIS UP!" OMG?? Fellas is it gay to keep your girl roomie nearby by throwing guys at her that are entrenched in your social circle and also more socially acceptable for her to date? When I say my heart skipped a beat at that moment!! And it just happened in the manga super recently, so who knows where things are going to go from here?

1. When Hachi is having so many gay thoughts about Nana 2 that she's like "AHHH THIS IS TOO GAY I NEED TO GET ANOTHER BOYFRIEND!!!!" Boy did I laugh out loud at the cognitive dissonance (and find it super relatable to younger me and my own panicking about maybe not being entirely straight thoughts? of course)...

#nana #nana spoilers #ask #anon #p #13readsmanga #thank you for asking!

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Random things that I should write about in a journal but am choosing to dump here instead.

I'm the happiest I have been in years. I'm truly living in a state of euphoria most of the time. I still have a hard time believing that I get to be the mom to this sweet and spunky little girl.

Despite all the joy I'm also dealing with daily anxiety that can get quite intense, days where depression makes it hard to do much other than lay around, and grief that is worsening each week. The swing between the high and low is a bit unsettling. Sometimes it feels like I'm faking it because I can't possibly feel both ends of the emotional spectrum so intensely.

I have cried every day for the past 2 weeks. As M reaches more milestones and starts interacting with us more I'm constantly reminded of exactly what I missed with my twins. When she laughs and strings cooing noises together as if trying to make conversation I'm flooded with equal parts joy and grief. Is this what they would have sounded like? Would they have been this outgoing with bold, strong personalities? I'll never get to know and that guts me.

I'm afraid I'm starting to forget my twins. Not conceptually. I know who they are and that they existed. I'm talking about the details. The way they smelled. How it felt when they squeezed my finger with their tiny hands. They way they melted into my chest as if I was their only safe space. The sound of their last breath. I'm terrified it's slipping from my memory.

Breastfeeding is taking everything out of me. Most days I'm exhausted and my body feels really run down. I'm not quitting, but damn it's taxing.

To say I'm thrilled to be working out regularly again is an understatement. It makes me feel like me again. I'm still a long ways from running, but that has resulted in me trying some new workouts which is a fun challenge.

Part of my regular workout routine right now as I rehab my leg is power walking. As an athlete that focuses on high intensity movement I have never considered walking exercise. Changing my mindset on that has been incredibly healthy mentally and will serve me well in the long run.

Mother's day is quickly approaching and there are just a lot of feelings about that.

I want another baby but the thought of going through another pregnancy and potentially more losses makes me want to rip my skin off.

I realized that the reason I want a second baby so badly RIGHT NOW is because after mentally preparing for twins it feels like a child is missing. In reality 2 are missing and they always will be. It's a huge hole that I can't fill.

I have little confidence that my body can provide the number of children my heart wants and that is a tough pill to swallow.

It's ok to still grieve what I have lost while being so incredibly grateful for the miracle baby I was blessed with, right? Sometimes I feel like a horribly ungrateful, disgusting monster for holding any negative feelings when M is such a perfect little ray of light. But like, I miss my babies. A lot. I suppose I should probably talk about this in therapy instead of ranting into the void.

#personal #mental health #life after loss #tw: child loss #neonatal loss #triple rainbow baby #postpartum #big feelings #I have avoided this in therapy for weeks

[splendidissimus]

Whumptober 2023 Completionist Masterlist

For the benefit of Whumptober skimmers: All of these stories take place within the same nearly-canon-compliant Harry Potter AU, the key difference of which is that Voldemort's task to Draco, kill Dumbledore, came with a curse that drained his life until Dumbledore was dead, and left him that way afterward. These stories span time from roughly age 16 to ~40. Draco is whumpee.

"Theo" is Theodore Nott, the ultimate background character of Draco's dorm / Draco's boyfriend it turns out.

Anything listed with "Theo caretaker" is likely to have hints of romance, but anything heavily romantic will have "romantic" in the little warning area. Otherwise it's family feels / friends / professional.

Because these span lot of time, Lucius' characterisation in particular can vary wildly (he's got his own issues). Draco's and Theo's personalities also change, to a greater or lesser degree. Narcissa is eternal.

----------------------------

“But now this room is spinning while I’m trying just to fill in all the gaps.” | Swooning | “How many fingers am I holding up?”

#1 : August 1998 - 1500 words Draco faints and falls down the stairs while he's off his meds sickfic // untrustworthy mind // whumpee in denial // Theo caretaker

--

Delirium

#2 : November 1999 - 1000 words Draco hasn't been sleeping, Lucius gets pissed abusive parent // untrustworthy mind // passive whumpee // Lucius whumper

--

Solitary confinement

#3 : September 1998 - 700 words Draco is badly withdrawing and no one notices or helps depression // caretaker failure

--

“I see the danger, It’s written there in your eyes.” | Shock | “You in there?”

#4 : 2002ish - 1800 words Draco is hit with a fear curse during a duelling tournament vulnerable whumpee // whumpee seems normal // Theo caretaker

--

Pinned down | "It's broken."

#5 : 2004 - 700 words Draco wakes up during the magical equivalent of surgery medical whump // romantic // Theo caretaker

--

Made to watch | "It should have been me."

#6 : early 2000 - 550 words Lucius makes Draco see exactly when he's done for him mind r*pe // cruciatus curse // abusive parent // self-loathing whumpee // Lucius whumpee // Lucius whumper // Voldemort whumper

--

“I paced around for hours on empty; I jumped at the slightest of sounds.” | Radio silence

#7 : August 2000 - 1300 words Draco has intense anxiety over Theo not coming home anxiety // romantic // Theo caretaker

--

Outnumbered | "It's all for nothing."

#8 : 1 July 1997 - 1400 words Draco is bullied by Death Eaters and realises that Dumbledore's death didn't change anything homophobia

--

Alternate prompt: Aftermath of Failure

#9 : Easter 1998 - 700 words Voldemort punishing everyone after Harry & co's escape cruciatus curse // vomit // Voldemort whumper // Narcissa caretaker

--

Stranded | "You said you'd never leave."

#10 : May 1999 - 2800 words Draco emotionally cracks and calls Theo back from Hogwarts for help This story got fluffier than normal and is mostly about recovery rather than suffering emotional breakdown // vulnerable whumpee // Theo caretaker // Narcissa caretaker // house elf caretaker

--

“All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.” | Captivity | “No one will find you.”

#11 : August 2001 - 800 words excerpt of Draco kidnapped and tortured by an escaped Death Eater beating // bondage // torture // kidnapping // captivity // cruciatus curse // numb whumpee // Death Eater whumper

--

“I haven't slept in days, but who's counting?” | Insomnia

#12 : 2004 - 7500 words Draco has found a concoction that lets him go without sleeping for weeks, but it's making him crazy and dangerous. His family have to keep him contained until it wears off. Draco is brutally abusive to all 4 caretakers. captivity // emotional abuse // starvation // sleep deprivation // whumped caretakers // Lucius caretaker // Narcissa caretaker // Theo caretaker // house elf caretaker // Draco whumper

--

Infection | "I don't feel so good."

#13 : September 2000 - 1300 words Draco falls sick with the flu while he's working on Diagon Alley sickfic // fever // romantic // Theo caretaker

--

"Feed me poison, fill me 'til I drown." | "Just hold on."

#14 : Easter 2000 - 1900 words Draco is found having overdosed on some of his medications, insists it was an accident overdose // suicide attempt (possibly) // vomit // depression // numb whumpee // house elf caretaker // Narcissa caretaker // Lucius caretaker

--

Suppressed Suffering | "I'm fine."

#15 : June 2006 - 1000 words Draco is not in the mood for a surprise party, but he does it anyway whumpee seems normal

--

"Would you lie with me and just forget the world?" | "Don't go where I can't follow."

#16 : January 2019 - 900 words Draco considers becoming a ghost after his death physical weakness // dying // terminal illness // angst // romantic // Theo caretaker

--

Touch Aversion | "Leave me alone."

#17 : 2003 - 3100 words Draco dreams Theo hurt him and has a psychotic break, accidentally harms people with unintentional magic untrustworthy mind // implied noncon // touch aversion // loss of magic control // scared whumpee // Lucius caretaker // Theo caretaker // Theo "whumper"

--

Tortured for Information

#18 : 2012 - 4000 words Draco is tortured by a client's abusive spouse torture // blood // gore // evisceration // physical weakness // kidnapping // defiant whumpee // Lucius caretaker // rando whumper

--

"I'll take one final step, all you have to do is make me." | Psychological

#19 : 2009 - 1300 words Draco encounters a Dementor suicidal feelings // Theo caretaker

--

"You're going to regret touching him."

#20 : late 2001 - 500 words Lucius has Rowle captivity // whumper turned whumpee // caretaker turned whumper // Lucius whumper

--

"Don't move."

#21 : August 1998 - 1000 words Feeding time for Nagini human being eaten by animal

--

Alternate Prompt: Body Modification

#22 : 2005ish - 2800 words Draco tries to remove the Dark Mark from his arm. With a knife. gore // blood // self-harm // self mutilation // vomit (lite) // self whump // house elf caretaker

--

"It's gonna get me by the end of the night." | Shadows | Stalking | "Who's there?"

#23 : late 2001 - 1600 words Draco feels unsafe even though he knows he shouldn't anxiety // mental health problems // romantic // Theo caretaker

--

Neglect

#24 : August 2001 - 1200 words Draco has to create his own water while he's being held captive. dehydration // bondage // captivity // neglect // degradation // whumper not present // Death Eater whumper

--

Storm

#25 : August 2001 - 500 words Draco experiences a storm while held captive by Rowle isolation // captivity // bondage // Death Eater whumper

--

"Sometimes I get so tired, I don't even know myself."

#26 : June 2000 - 1300 words Draco's inability to sleep properly sleep deprivation // night terrors // romantic // Theo caretaker

--

Scars | "Let me see."

#27 : late 1998 - 1100 words Narcissa sees Draco's Sectumsempra scar body image issues // shame

--

Sacrifice

#28 : 2007ish - 6800 words Theo and Draco are exploring a tomb in search of forbidden knowledge, and Draco plays the role of sacrifice for all of the trials blood // blood loss // self harm (bloodletting) // zombies // caretaker failure // Theo caretaker

--

“I only sink deeper the deeper I think.” | Troubled Past Resurfacing | “What happened to me?”

#29 : January 2002 - 2800 words Draco discovers a recurring dream is actually a memory his parents Obliviated out of his mind untrustworthy mind // lashing out // angry whumpee // Theo caretaker // Lucius caretaker // Narcissa caretaker // Voldemort whumper

--

“It’s okay, just to say, ‘I’m not okay’.” | Bridal Carry | “Not much longer…”

#30 : January 2020 - 2100 words Draco shuts down his Diagon Alley office and has to put his affairs in order, is too weak to probably ever leave home again dying // terminal illness // physical weakness // angst // Theo caretaker

--

#31 :

#whumptober2023 #completionist #fic #harry potter #draco malfoy #draco x theo #dying tw #terminal illness tw #gore tw #blood cw #vomit cw #overdose tw #illness tw #captivity tw #depression tw #parental abuse tw #torture tw #whumptober 2023

[therealwondermundo]

my origin story back to art

My childhood was ROUGH and my 20s were a wild ride, but I’m ok now. I have had a successful career, own a home, and have an amazing 9 year old. I do okay for myself. ✨

I thought I had achieved my “dream,” but I still hated myself. I still suffered from what I thought was just high functioning depression and anxiety. I felt awful for feeling awful and constantly had/have to fight off thoughts that tell me I am a loser, lazy, and should just die.

In 2021, I started seeing a trauma informed therapist in early March and learned about structural disassociation. Dissociation is a spectrum that can go all the way from daydreaming to dissociative identity disorder.

I fall somewhere in between there, but I honestly didn’t believe I could have some form of structural dissociation.

I doubted the severity of what happened to me and saw myself as resilient for not letting it get me down.

But the reality is that if I actually remembered the traumatic nature of those memories fully, I wouldn’t be able to function.

The way I survived was by my brain taking those things and finding a way to tell itself that it was no big deal, because the alternative would have left me paralyzed and at risk of being hurt worse.

“Having structural dissociation means we are split into different parts, each with a different personality, feelings, and behavior. As a result, we feel completely different from moment to moment. One moment we feel strong and happy, the next moment we feel empty and numb, then we feel rage. It might all happen suddenly without an apparent trigger.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201907/do-you-have-normal-part-and-traumatized-part

My stubborn self still couldn’t/wouldn’t believe it. I was convinced my new therapist was wrong, I wasn’t traumatized, I just had depression, and was lazy.

What happened next?

I told myself that if I really did have other parts to prove it, show itself. I told it to do something only I/we would know. None of this “move my left arm” stuff. I felt like I needed proof.

A few days later, I was coloring with my son and I turned the page over when I finished the sheet. I just started drawing lines.

Drawing lines quickly turned into me drawing a face, which suddenly led to me quickly remembering how I used to draw this face ALL THE TIME when I was a teenager.

I sat there in awe, trying to keep my composure as I was filled with tears of joy and sadness. I told it I missed it, but that wasn’t all I remembered.

It’s a weird feeling to miss yourself and to receive a flood of memories, years memories and insights.

Yes, I had turned my passion into a career, but I lost my passion somewhere in there and forgot why I created in the first place.

1️⃣ I remembered how I used to make a ton of cool analog collages.

2️⃣ I started drawing and getting better at it, quickly.

3️⃣I realized how I had grown my design skills since I first started teaching myself html and graphic design in the late ’90s. But I never applied my skills to personal work since they’d grown.

4️⃣ I decided to apply what I learned + my ❤️ of collages and digital art into making again, starting with digital collages.

5️⃣ A few people saw my art and said I should make NFTs if I wasn’t already. I asked an NFT was and found an amazing community.

6️⃣ I began to learn more about digital art outside of work through the community and got an iPad and Apple Pencil. That completely changed the way I create art and helped me get outside of Adobe, which I associated with my career.

There is still a long ways to go with my journey and not sure it will ever end, but I know that the only way through it is with mindfulness and art.

#cryptoart #osdd #did art #structural dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #did osdd #original story #my story

[doodle-nerd]

We will be married one day... || part 6 || Aladarius

Word count: 2563

Notes: Also on ao3! doodle_nerd_43 uwu

@sunset-bobby asked to be tagged for the next part, here you are :DDD

FIRST PART < - - -        PREVIOUS PART < - - -

- - - - - - - - - -

"Well... I do not swear often, but I have to say, that you fucked up" bard answered. Eda covered her lips with her hand.

"Wow, Alador, you had to do something really intense if it made Raine swear" her voice was a bit shaky, because she was holding back laugh. She knew that situation is serious, but swearing Raine was somehow hilarious.

- - - - - - - - - -

"I don't like your tone" he answered, opening the door. "Is something wrong? Maybe come in so we can talk more comfortably" he invited them inside.

Raine sat on the chair near the table. Darius took a sit on the edge of the bed. He looked a bit worried.

"So, what's the matter? Your face fills me with anxiety" he said, looking straight at bard's face. Raine needed a second to convert thoughts into words. They had to start conversations casually, so Darius wouldn't suspect anything...

"I am worried about you" they finally spoke. Darius raised his eyebrow.

"Worried about me? Why?" He searched few past days in his memory, but couldn't remember neither anything bad happening nor his own weird behaviour. Maybe Raine knew about something which Darius couldn't hear about?

"When we talked some time ago I mentioned Alador and your reaction was... Quite intense. I can't stop thinking why was it so emotional" they started slowly. Darius had to resist urge to cut them off right after hearing name "Alador".

"Why are you asking about right now? Were you too busy thinking about ignoring the Owl Lady earlier?" he answered. That was an obvious attack, not very nice, but it was a way of defence. Changing the topic and making another person mad, so they most likely won't fancy talking anymore.

"It doesn't work on me, Darius" they said, just like they could read his mind. Abomination coven head rolled his eyes.

"I don't know what are you talking about" playing stupid might work, at least. It's like big, loud "I don't want to talk", but said less rudely.

"You look... Sad, lately" they ignored Darius' words. "I'm worried about you because you are my friend and if it isn't enough for you to talk, then I can also mention that you won't do a thing with the Day of Unity if you will be so distracted. May any of this convince you to talk?" they asked, looking Darius in the eyes. He looked away.

"Fine" they were right. He should let it all out, for one reason or another. He sighed. Raine stayed quiet.

"We were close friends once, I believe that you can remember that. Some were even joking, that we were dating... I hate to say that they were wrong" he sighed heavily. It was hard to open about it, but at the same time, Raine seemed like right person to listen. He started playing with the ring on his finger. He tried to take it off and close somewhere at least few times in recent days, but it kept coming back on his finger. There was no better place for it.

"I loved him, really. I felt happy to just spend time with him, enjoyed being close, getting him out of his bubble. I think that he liked it, too. Maybe even had crush on me. But I don't think that it could be something more. He wouldn't find himself a wife if he loved me, right?" he raised his eyes and looked at Raine. They remained silent, afraid that Darius will stop talking if they interrupt. They just nodded they head to show, that they are listening.

"Talking about wives... A-and marriage" his voice became shaky. He took a deep breath to make it normal again. "We had agreement. Reach age of twenty five, no serious relationship, we marry each other" he said as simply as he could. Talking much about it would be too painful.

"As you can guess... He married Odalia before that age. And I could live with it, really. It's his choice, even if I don't like it. But... There's more" Raine tried to look surprised before, as if they haven't heard the story from Alador. But now, it might get interesting for real. Maybe they will acknowledge something new.

"I tried contacting him, many times. But... He kind of cut me out of his life. Completely. Meeting less and less often, then ignoring me. I got erased from his life, this is how I feel. Erased. Forgotten. Neither conventional nor unusual methods worked" he frowned.

"What do you mean by "unusual" methods?" Raine asked, bending their head a little. They felt like it might be an important part.

"I checked plans that Blight industries were sending us. I... I was adding little notes on the sides, non professional, sometimes funny. He never answered. Not to a single note" he started to look mad.

That was new. Raine frowned. Something was off here. If Alador wanted to contact Darius and bond with him again, then why would he ignore these messages? These would be a perfect opportunity, he wouldn't have to employ Raine to help. They have to ask him about it next time.

"He didn't contact me at all for a really long time. And lately he dared to came here, show me a ring on his finger and expect me to forgive him ignoring me for so long! What was he thinking, that I'll agree to be his side chick ride away? No fucking way" Raine placed their hand on Darius' shoulder. It reminded him that he should control his emotions. Screaming wasn't best considering where are they right now.

"I assume that rings were part of that agreement, right? A bit like proposal, because it was about getting married in the future?" Raine almost forgot to ask about it. If they didn't, it would be weird. Darius skipped that part, they couldn't just know it.

"Yes, you got it right, songbird. They were a bit like proposal. The closest I got to confessing my feelings" he looked at his hand.

"How about now? Do you still... Feel that way?" They asked, trying not to put too much pressure on him.

"Are you asking if I still love him?" Darius answered with another question. Raine nodded.

"I hate to say it, but... Yes. Yes, I do" he looked away again. Raine never saw him as sad as he was right now. They felt urge to hug and comfort their friend.

"You should fight for your love, then. At least talk about it with him" they said while hugging Darius. He appreciated that gesture.

"Maybe one day. If he would fancy talking to me" he rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry about this. I can arrange your meeting" they answered, stepping back to look at his face.

"Dear Titan, how? Do you secretly contact him from time to time?" his voice sounded sarcastically.

"No. But I can contact Eda. Her child is dating Alador's daughter" they smiled. Darius remained silent for a while.

"Fine. We can do this. But maybe not right away" he said after a few minutes.

"Sure. Let me know when you will be ready"

Darius smiled weakly.

* * *

Sneaking out with help of kids was easier that Alador would expect. Odalia really was ignoring him if he only was busy in his workshop. She didn't bother to talk to him at all, so illusion could do the trick.

Scientist was waiting for Raine at the Owl House. He wasn't best in starting conversations, so they were just sitting there. Atmosphere was a bit awkward.

"Sorry I'm late" Raine rushed through the door opened by Hooty. He already knew that bard is an always-welcome guest and was okay with them coming any time.

"Terra made it really hard for me to leave this time, but I managed. Anyway, I talked to Darius" they were kind of rushing this conversation, because they didn't have much time today.

"And?" Alador looked at Raine's face. His eyes were shining with excitement and hope, but also stress.

"Well... I do not swear often, but I have to say, that you fucked up" bard answered. Eda covered her lips with her hand.

"Wow, Alador, you had to do something really intense if it made Raine swear" her voice was a bit shaky, because she was holding back laugh. She knew that situation is serious, but swearing Raine was somehow hilarious.

"Uhm... I don't really know what I did, can you explain please?" scientist looked confused.

Something was even more odd. He should connect the dots, shouldn't he?

"You ignored him for a while. I'm not surprised that he wasn't fancy talking to you" Eda finally calmed herself down completely, because Raine's words were interesting.

"What? No! I mean, I might refuse to meet him few times due to work my wife gave me, especially after I was left alone with all of the work, but I never ignored him. Or at least I do not remember something like that happening" they could see that every muscle in Alador's body tenses. Stress completely took over him. Raine sighed.

"He told me about the notes. Notes on the plans, that he sent back to you after checking them. You had to see these" bard finished explaining.

Alador looked puzzled.

"I responded to every single note. He ignored my responses, actually. I never got an answer" he said, frowning. He couldn't understand it.

"He told me that you never answered. Plans were coming back corrected but side notes ignored. Huh, that's quite weird" Raine rubbed their chin.

"It looks like your responses disappeared on a your house - castle way" Eda commented. Alador suddenly got up.

"Of course! Of course it vanished" his voice revealed that he was really mad. "Guess who takes care of sending this to the castle. Come on, take a guess. My fucking wife!" he answered his question before anyone else could open their mouth.

"In that case, she probably knows that you want to reconnect with Darius. And she doesn't like it" Eda said out loud what was obvious. Alador sighed and sat down again.

"I convinced him to meet with you and talk" Raine said softly after a minute of silence. Alador needed it to calm down.

"Just text me when and where. Thank you. Now sorry, but I have to go. I can't believe that this bitch was erasing my notes" he frowned again. Raine put their palm on his shoulder.

"If I can suggest you anything, maybe wait with arguing with her. Talk to Darius first. She might complicate it later" bard tried to keep soft and smoothing voice tone. Alador nodded his head.

"Thank you for your help. I'll try to ignore her like usually. At least for now" he added, said goodbye and left.

Raine sighed heavily. Eda hugged them.

* * *

Darius was looking at the ceiling, thinking. Did he do the right thing telling all of that to Raine? He never talked about all of this to anyone.

Raine was his friend, they knew each other for a long time, but got closer recently due to rebellion thing. They weren't usually talking about things like that. On the other hand, Darius had a feeling that Raine can actually help him.

Ohhh, stupid, stupid, stupid heart! Stupid feelings!

He couldn't really focus on anything recently. Raine was right, he was sad. Short encounter with Alador made him loose his mind over him again. Completely.

How could he still love him after all this time? After being rejected so many times? How could he still have a hope?

He told himself that he wasn't naive nor desperate anymore. But was it true? If he wasn't, he would be able to get over it all, right?

He felt really pathetic. He sighed heavily and looked at the ring.

He closed his eyes and did something that he haven't done for a while. He tried to remember every single detail from that day.

They were sitting on the small hill. He got there first. Alador couldn't run that fast. He had terrible physical condition, not going out much, sitting in his room and experimenting with abomination. Nerd.

Darius smiled slightly.

Alador was slightly blushing. Or was it light reflection on his face? They met just before the sunset. Sky wasn't blue anymore, but pink and red... But he preferred to think that it was a blush. Well, it could be because he was running. But just for a little moment of happiness, he wanted to think that he was blushing at him specifically.

He tried to recall another part of that moment. Oh, he did blush because of him, for sure. When he called him "sweetie". He was kind of joking back then. He wished that he could call him like that for real.

Then he started talking. He took the rings out of his pocket. Oh Titan, he was so stressed at the moment. His heart was beating fast and he was scared how Alador would react. Brunet seemed to be happy with his proposition, thought.

They were watching sunset together. The most beautiful one Darius have ever saw.

He opened his eyes. Back to the grey reality.

He was smiling, but at the very same moment, tears were running down his face. He got up and grabbed a tissue to wipe them off.

His heart felt weirdly calm. It confirmed his conviction that he did the right thing. Telling Raine let him calm his mind.

He walked to the window and rested his elbows on the windowsill. It was quite late already. Sun was setting.

He spent few minutes on looking at it. One more tear run down his cheek and hit the windowsill under.

* * *

Alador came back home. It was weirdly silent. Well, maybe kids were busy in their rooms and Odalia left or something. He didn't want to overthink it at the moment.

He went straight to his workshop, so illusion might disappear.

Then he gasped in horror.

Illusion wasn't there.

Something had to go wrong this time.

He started checking every room, looking for the rest of his family.

He found them in the living room. Odalia was sitting on the sofa. Amity, Edric and Emira were next to her. All of them had sad expressions on their faces. When he entered the room, his son raised his eyes. His look said "sorry".

"Alador" Odalia's voice was sharp and unpleasant for the ear. Brunet cringed when he heard it.

"Why did you gather all of the family members here? Spending time together isn't in your style, so I assume that there's a different reason" he said, trying to play it cool. It wasn't easy. He still was extremely mad at her for getting rid of notes.

"You tell me. How bad has to be a father to turn his kids against their mother?" she frowned slightly, making the face of a victim. It made Alador even angrier. She wasn't the poor, innocent one.

"How bad mother has to be to have all three of her kids against her" he answered, clenching his fists. His face was completely red.

"I didn't know that you can talk back" she rolled her eyes. "Children. All of you are grounded. Go to your rooms" she said, ignoring Alador for a second. Amity and twins got up, but didn't leave.

"What are you waiting for? I said: go to your rooms" her voice got even more unpleasant. All of the kids cringed, looked at their dad once more and left.

"And we... We need to talk" she frowned, looking her husband right in the eyes. Alador gritted his teeth and nodded.

He had to face her earlier that he thought.

#the owl house #toh #darius toh #darius deamonne #alador blight #alador toh #aladarius #dalador #alarius #alador x darius #darius x alador

[yandating]

🌹 Name: Alice (Not my real name but I'll tell you when we talk :)))) )

💕 Age: 20

💌 Gender: Female, she/her mostly but I do sometimes like they/them

🥀 Are you yandere on non-yandere: Fairly yandere, but it's not really the kind that shows too clearly from the get-go

🩸 Where are you from: Romania!

🕷 Tell us about yourself: I'm usually a reserved, quiet person irl, but I actually do really like talking to people one on one, even though ironically enough it can tire me out pretty quicklu. I'd say I have a lower self esteem than normal, but I am getting better! ...Ever so slowly but hey I'm getting there.

I'm a big fan of writing and doing digital art! I also really love playing videogames, expecially horror games and visual novels. Actually I generally really like horror stuff! I either like things that are extremely funny and lighthearted or stuff that is absolutely scarring. No inbetweens for me.

If you know me in real life I look a bit apathetic and robotic, almost, but I'm the complete opposite. I'm a pretty emotional and passionate person and it's easy as all hell to get fixated on things I like. For example starting to play Sims 3 again is pretty much a death sentence for a few days because it means I will not do anything but play that game.

What kind of yandere am I? Very good question! I'm pretty obsessive when the person's right, and I do have the slightest tendency to get jealous. I'm sorry though if that doesn't show quite enough lmao, after years of conditioning to not act like that it won't show too clearly.

I work the endless hell that is known as customer care, despite the fact I have severe social anxiety. It sounds like it makes literally no sense but it sort of does since it's through messaging (and in english I for some reason hate my own language).

Also I love cute things. Sanrio and lolita fashion is my life and blood. Can't wait til I can finally get the guts to dress that way. 😭

🖤 What are you looking for: Someone who's supportive an non-judgemental, and what I feel like is most important, someone who actually listens to what I talk about and respects me. I want to be treated as an equal, I'm sick of people infantilazing me lmao.

Someone who is fiercely loyal and very obsessive, jealous but doesn't act out on it too much despite it. I want to be as significant to my significant other as they are to me.

I'd love a yandere who is a considerably bigger one than I am, but still not too intense, the kind that wouldn't be able to control their own actions. I also want someone that respects my boundaries and would be okay if I need a bit of time alone when I'm having a tough time mentally. Sometimes I just need a bit of time to calm down, it's never anything personal.

I would love someone who's really affectionate, especially verbally. Nicknames would be really cute! I give really dumb nicknames but they're filled with love I assure you. ♡

Also, someone who's smart and interesting to talk to but doesn't brag about it would be really nice! Narcissism is a huge turn off for me.

In short, if you're warm, smart, supportive and respectful, I'll probably like you quite a lot. ^^

🪦 What's your mbti: INFP! I always get that without one exception lmao

🌌 Contact information: My username is Alice_lied on Discord. Don't be too confused by vaguely ominous username, I pretty much just mixed the name of a rpg horror game I really like, Alicemare and Elfen Lied, an anime I'm not too big of a fan of but the name drew me to watching it alone. :,)

#yandere #submission #yandere dating

[pentanguine]

Anxiety etc

I’ve realized that I get INTENSELY anxious before my period, like to the point where it’s a really visceral, almost untenable feeling, and I can’t settle down and do anything because my body is humming with energy and the feeling that SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG WITH ME.

So I can’t read the book I need to for my book club on Wednesday, and I can’t put together a playlist or write or be alone with my mind at all. Everything that might make me slightly anxious at other times, like awkward texts I’ve sent or trying to find housing for the fall, feels out of control and all consuming, a horror of doomsday proportions. This is SO DUMB

Also part of this feeling is the need to be around people, which cannot be satisfied no matter how many people I talk to and how connected I objectively am. Just today, I have talked to my roommate at length in our shared kitchen, had an hour long phone call with a prospective new roommate, and chatted with my parents. I’ve been having some Light Conversation with my ex as we go back to being friends, and last night I spent an entire laughter-filled evening with my best friend! So I’ve got people!

But it’s just never enough. It all feels sort of empty and superficial. I feel panicked and desperate, like everyone I love is slipping away from me or like everything’s sort of shallow and less meaningful than I think it is. I feel like I have to impress myself on other people to remind them I exist. AND I KNOW THAT’S NOT TRUE. But that doesn’t make the feeling go away.

ANYWAY: the point of this post is partly that I need to feel like I’m reaching out to people and making contact. Partly, it’s to express the realization that my period causes noticeable emotional/biochemical problems in me. Partly, it’s to feel like I have control over those problems by externalizing them and laying them out rationally. If anyone’s reading this, thank you!

#personal #python panics #menstruation cw #mental health #also not helping: the wifi’s out and the soothing things i would normally do on the internet don’t work as well on my phone