anastasia-belskaya

[anastasia-belskaya]

Not long ago I was thinking, what is drawing even for me?

You know, people speak different languages, but languages are not limited to just words, sounds. A language can be a painting, a poem, music, dance, photography, cooking, colour, smell, anything.

Probably for me drawing was a language of expressing love, sometimes it was a question "Who am I?", "What am I?", Sometimes through drawing I was looking for love. I was looking for approval of myself, praise. Sometimes I was looking for a way to make a living through drawing. And it was all about finding myself.

Since I was a kid, I didn't know how to express my feelings. I would say: I'm ashamed, and they would say: You can't be ashamed. Then I started to say: I'm scared, to which I heard the answer: you can't be scared. And if it can't be, then I removed such words as shame and fear from my life, as well as anger and bitterness and sadness, I removed many words that people around me didn't like, but here's the problem: I didn't stop feeling them, but I couldn't call them any more. So I learnt to draw them. Well. Since in this world it is impossible to speak directly about things, I will speak indirectly, veiled, I will leave maps of the treasures of my hidden deep inside feelings, so that one day an inquisitive seeker will want to explore and unearth in me that cherished thing that I have hidden deep inside myself.

I was very surprised one day when I realised that I was confusing fear and shame. And when I found the shame in my life, when I realised what it was - I couldn't sleep because that shame was everywhere, but I was so happy to finally find it and carry it into the world, to finally call it right. Then I was starting to think, how can I talk to myself and support myself so I don't feel so bad about the shame?

Life is a funny adventure, I find something in it all the time, because a lot of things before, I had to hide.

So I guess for me drawing is a kind of dialogue with myself, or imprinting my soul on planet Earth. Sometimes it's a huge plea to myself for salvation, for finding love. Sometimes it's just a skill for the sake of a skill.

Sometimes it just exists and that's enough. What do you paint for? What feelings do you put into your paintings? What's the meaning?

#self care #writer #writers on tumblr #digital artist #my art #artwork #portrait #artists on tumblr #painting #drawing #male portrait #digital art #digital illustration #digital portrait #man portrait #nature drawing #academic art #ipaddrawing #ipadillustration #ipad art

[anastasia-belskaya]

Sometimes I think, how many things have happened to me in twenty-six years? What has stayed with me through life and what I have left behind forever. What have I come back to ten, fifteen years later?

I am at the crossroads of such a time, when it is possible to let go of everything unnecessary and just move forward.

I often say to myself

"Do what you have to do and be what happens."

Rely on fate, not the one your brain made up in the pursuit of happiness, but the one that was whispered in your ear a long time ago. The one before you were born. You always feel it, no matter how many voices whisper in your head: What to do? How to do it? Where to go?

When you are really where you should be, you feel joy inside. When you hear yourself you feel joy.

Someone once deceived me by assuring me that we came to be content with little, to smile occasionally and to feel bad from time to time. And you know, I agree that it's okay to be sad, angry, afraid. But not all the time. Not all the time.

And after that, I learnt to walk down a road woven with the feeling that everything is in place. I know how to feel the truth when a person speaks, when I rely on my heart, when I feel where I am being led, when I rely not on my thoughts but on the feeling of joy, when I rely on God within me. God accepts me in every way. And bad and good and evil, And…

He wants me to be happy, so I don't chase after it anymore. Happiness is always with me, I just feel it, choosing it by my heart every day. Whether it's food, drink, conversation, walks, places. It's like I'm 5 years old again and I'm dancing and trusting this world, I love it as it is, colourful and dark grey and endlessly black and white. And empty and full. Either way.

#self care #writer #writers on tumblr #digital artist #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #mp100 fanart #reigen manga #mp100 reigen #mob psycho reigen #reigen arataka #reigen arakata #mob psycho fanart #mob psycho #mob psycho anime

[anastasia-belskaya]

Happy birthday to me

I don't know what else to say, today has been quite a tough day for me, but I wish myself great heights, that my dreams come true and everything works out for me

May everything be as easy as possible.

May I become a better version of myself

And may this year be even cooler and easier than the last.

#reigen arataka #mp100 reigen #mob psycho reigen #reigen arakata #reigen manga #self care #happy bithday to me #mob psycho #mob psycho 100

[anastasia-belskaya]

A post about how I make characters out of my portraits ahahh.

The drawing can be found here.

This is the second post dedicated to my shame in drawing, which I'm slowly letting go of.

And I guess in addition to being embarrassed by the way I create drawings, I'm also apparently embarrassed by the way I look.

Yesterday I came to the realisation that I think I'm ugly and fat. Which surprised me, because I thought I was more or less normal about myself.

For the last six months I've been dealing with the shame of being a writer, and yesterday I discovered that I'm no longer bothered by other people's criticism. I see that it's just my EGO talking to me and nothing more. It's just an affirmation that I am a great shining soul for this world and all my posts, words, and appearances to people are perfect. Not to add or remove, that's just who I am.

And apparently there is room for work and acceptance of my appearance.

I lost a lot of weight after the illness and my muscles have completely disappeared. All that was left was bones covered in skin and I was really scared. I always ask myself: are you like this because you want to be like this, or are you like this because you are running away from something and afraid to be your real self?

And I heard a voice saying to me, "I want to weigh 43 kilos," and I listened to it, and it went on to say, "And then I want to weigh 33, and then 23, and then…" And I realised that this is not my true desire, it's a pain and a need to escape from something.

Somebody made me believe that if I weigh a little more (like normal weight) I will not be beautiful, because my mind thinks if you are fat you are not beautiful. I don't know where it came from, it's fun to figure out where it came from. It's funny that I found it in myself at all, because at one time I didn't want to deal with this fear and self-loathing so much that I just shut down all emotions and went into apathy. And now I care. And that's a great thing.

That I give a fuck.

When you give a fuck, you can do something about it. Disgust is just the absence of love. I want to figure out how to fix it and correct it. I wanna know what I'm afraid of losing if I become more rounded? Like I've never loved my bum, and a lot of other things. I don't have it all in the thinness I'm in now, but I look at people who have shapes and I catch myself envying them. So I lie to myself that I like my thinness and there is a benefit there, why I am so thin, I even feel something hurting inside me, creaking, grinding.

Maybe I'm afraid that I'm not thin, that the world doesn't need me, that I will have fewer opportunities and I will be like my mum who is always dissatisfied with her weight, upset that she ate another cake and forever restricting herself in food. This Hell that I saw among women who are always torturing themselves and their bodies led me to the conclusion that it is better to never gain weight at all, because they all suffer and are always dissatisfied with themselves. And I just decided not to play these games in a crooked way and went into another categorisation, but, I know that I can be appetisingly rounded and not live in Hell, I can be loved by anyone.

What's left is to build that into my life, I don't want to play games with numbers - numbers mean nothing to the body, there are no averages, it's all meaningless and only exists in a person's head. There is no norm, it was invented by people to distract each other from the radiance of their souls and fulfilment of their great purpose on earth.

It's all the Devil's games, 3D matrix and I want to get out of it because I'm fucked up with it.

#self care #writer #writers on tumblr #digital artist #angel #good omens #good omens aziracrow #good omens 2 #good omens art #good omens aziraphale #aziraphel #mind control #michael sheen

[anastasia-belskaya]

This is the process of dedicating this drawing

The process of drawing in my life causes an inordinate amount of SHAME. And I would like to release the tension from this issue, to finally shine purely with my soul in this world.

In my Academy of Art we were taught that an artist is someone who draws everything from scratch. Who knows how to take a white sheet, a pencil and create something. It was considered uncool if you somehow shortened the process, sketched something, used a reference. And so when I started looking for tools to simplify my life for the joy of drawing - it caused me a HUGE shame.

Taking references, photos, screenshots, drawing on a computer or tablet (digital art) - it made me ashamed that I dare to call myself an artist after that. And I started to hide and be ashamed of myself, of my approach to drawing. And just shy to show my drawings. Because deep down I believed that only the person who took a pencil in his hands, paints, and created everything from scratch himself deserves to be called an artist. From his head. If he used any non-natural material (a photo was not a natural material, a person had to pose for you live), then accordingly this person was an amateur.

But years later I began to realise the rottenness of the system. A lot of people measure their skills in drawing in the form of the ability to draw a straight line, but do not create anything bright beautiful and feel deeply unhappy. And then they create schools and start to kill young artists instead of teaching them, so that they, God forbid, do not become better than them. Do not take their place.

Because it's just painful for all these people to be themselves.

So at some point I came to the thought, and to whom do I prove that I can draw people in different angles, can reproduce an object from memory and so on…. who is it for? For myself, I'm not interested. For myself - I have an idea in mind, I create it. I take my screenshot from a film, a game, a cartoon, my photograph and create my painting. I've long pretended to be a classical artist who paints from scratch, but I like photobashing, I like reworking my photos and spooning them on top. I like to make fanart from my portraits with my favourite characters from TV series, movies, cartoons, anime.

It's hard for me to stop pretending because pretending like this is how I got my Master's love. I just wanted him to love me. I wanted to be "good." But now I just want to be myself and show who I am, even though I'm still terribly ashamed of it.

#self care #writer #digital artist #aloy horizon #horizon zero dawn #horizon games #horizon fanart #horizon #writers on tumblr #horizon forbidden west #hfw aloy

[anastasia-belskaya]

It's just a sketch.

I'm very self-conscious about my drawings like this. I feel that they are too simple, not perfect and in general I have a constant feeling that I will be laughed at or judged if I show them to anyone.

So I usually go and show it. Because I don't really like crying alone with my shame. But overcoming it… that must be a great feat.

I have a lot of shame in my life, a lot of taboos and inhibitions stretching back to my childhood. So through fear and shame I still try to act somehow in life. Today, for example, I said "no" one person and chose myself.

It used to take me two years to say no. I could tolerate what I didn't like, oppress myself, suffocate myself, but not put boundaries with anyone. To be friends, but never to show how hurt, bad, unpleasant I was. It all built up in me over the years and one day it destroyed me. I had to put myself back together piece by piece.

And what's now?

Three days is enough for me. Sometimes a whole week. But. I give myself time. I give myself permission to choose the best and most comfortable option for me.

How good it is that now, even though I am terribly ashamed and scared and sometimes consumed by guilt, but I am able to choose myself.

I am able to try something new, even if the experience is not a good one. I'm overall, I'm proud of how far I've come.

#self care #angel #good omens aziracrow #good omens aziraphale #good omens #crowly x aziraphale #aziracrow #aziraphale #anthony j crowley #ineffable husbands #good omens art #neil gaiman #demon crowley

[anastasia-belskaya]

Hello!

I've been really tired lately, so I want to share with you a little drawing dedicated to Shou and Ritsu.

It was drawn on one of Ritsu's birthdays.

In general, I'm trying to get in touch with my inner state right now. I keep writing books, dreaming, cleaning up my space. Dealing with the underlying attitudes in my head and transforming my space. As I always have and always will. For the greater good.

#self care #writer #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #mp100 fanart #digital artist #mob psycho #mob #mob psycho fanart #mob psycho anime #mp100 ritsu #mp100 shou

[anastasia-belskaya]

It's just Hercules. I didn't put any deep message here, I just wanted to experiment with light and colour. To learn how to match different shades.

And what about for my condition. I've been very sad lately, for the very reason that I've usually forbidden myself to be sad most of my life. And now that I'm starting to dig more and more into my emotions, I'm discovering so many hidden secret places in myself. And it would be nice if it were some untold treasures or a huge hidden joy, delight, inspiration, or maybe even happiness.

No, there's a surprisingly huge amount of rot. And instead of joy, there's death. Because what kind of joy is there when so much inside you is sewn up, unreacted and shoved like a gag in your mouth at the first opportunity to speak out a little.

I've spent my whole life thinking I was angry at people. That I hated those who hurt me, but in fact, I just wish them the same pain and fate that they did to me. So really, I'm just hurt and sad and that's my real emotion. Not wishing someone else dead or in the same pain. Behind all the anger and hatred is just a suppressed desire to cry and feel sorry for myself. Just to feel this huge sadness that I can't contain, because for many years I just threw it away somewhere, pushed it out, and it just rotted, grew mould and devoured all my other positive emotions. And now all I have left is emptiness and sadness. Dead weight in my right hand, in my throat, in my lips.

And the only thing I need to finally learn to get back to is sadness. It's to feel sadness instead of anger and hatred. Because when I was a kid, showing anger and hate was more prestigious than being sad.

Sadness was never welcome in my house, it upset my mum too much, so I had to learn to mask that emotion, hide it, but. I'm not there anymore, I'm with myself and now I can feel the whole range of emotions.

There were times when I called Shame - Fear, but that's a whole other story I'll share one day.

#self care #writer #writers on tumblr #digital artist #portrait #hercules #artwork #artists on tumblr #drawing #painting #procreate #psychology

[anastasia-belskaya]

It's Shigeo or Mob

It's soon to be December and I don't know how I'm going to spend New Year's Eve this year. In the last few years, I have lost all the magic of this holiday It's as if the best things were only in my childhood. When we waited with our brothers and sisters for the morning to come, to look under the tree and see the presents. All sorts of sweets and lots of other things. And now. It's like it's all dissolved and I no longer understand why I need a Christmas tree, why I need to decorate it, I no longer write a letter to Santa Claus. It's as if while I believed in him, it all worked, and then it just disappeared.

I don't see the point of going out night with someone somewhere.

Or maybe I just don't have anyone left to go out with.

I'd like to get the holiday feeling back into my life, just decorate the house with something and feel happy. I'd like to find people who would be cool to spend these holidays with.

Lately, I don't understand what "holidays" are at all. I only feel the significance of my birthday. And even then I would like to celebrate grandly, but it's as if I don't understand how and for whom.

About a year ago, I cut all my old ties with people and started again. I've been rebuilding the word "friendship" bit by bit and I still don't understand who they are. Friends.

There are a lot of people who genuinely love me and are willing to support and help me, but it's like I feel very disconnected from them. I am looking for an answer to the question: who are friends? Why do I need them? What is the difference from ordinary acquaintances? From family?

What is family? Who are favourite people?

Sometimes I tear old attitudes out of my head and then sit and build a new skeleton of my psyche from scratch. Because I'm always looking for the answer to the question: What is Love? And how to feel it? And how to Love correctly?

And how to heal myself, eh?

How can it be easier?

Tell me, eh,

G O D

?

#mp100 mob #mob psycho fanart #mob psycho 100 #mob psycho anime #mp100 fanart #mp100 #mp100 shigeo #mob psycho #shigeo kageyama #self care #writer #writers on tumblr #new year

[anastasia-belskaya]

Just me and nothing more

#self care #self portrait #self love #portrait #my photos #selfcare

[anastasia-belskaya]

Sometimes I don't know what to write about, I just write, that's all. I write a lot of texts every day, all kinds of texts. In them I think about God, about Destiny.

I come across a lot of games, films, books, cartoons about the fact that you can adjust your destiny. Or at least try to create your own unique and inimitable reality.

I have dreams and I know that they will definitely come true. I know how much I will earn, with whom I will have joint projects and where I will be in a year.

For my brain it all seems unrealistic, if only because it has never held $2 million in its hands and it is already telling me in advance: "look, I think it's all rubbish. You can't do it, it's not possible. You're barely scraping by two hundred dollars to live on, where is that money coming from?"

But, you know. There was a time when we were kids and values like $1, $2, $3…. seemed like something huge, seemed like something unrealistically big. I thought I was very rich. I still think I'm very rich. But for a brain that had never been paid for its work before, it seemed impossible to get $100 or $200 or $300. It was something unreal to him. He had never held that kind of money in his hands before.

That's why the perception of our world through the mind is only 10%, the other 90% is just a feeling that one day I will hold the amounts of money that I need for my incarnation on Earth, and it will be the norm. In a couple of years, the brain will say: "Well, this is a matter of course, how could it be otherwise?"

Simply because you have slowly introduced to it the idea, as if in the film "Inception", that this is his reality and now at some point it really becomes your reality

#self care #writers on tumblr #motivation #writer #angel #angel art #digital artist #mind control #dream #my art

[anastasia-belskaya]

Hi everyone, when I was smaller I had a dream to portray the characters of my favourite anime in realism. And in general I drew a lot of realistic works on MobPsycho100.

Mob was always something sacred to me. Not for everyone. I immersed myself in this anime with my head and completely, wrote a 700+ page fanfic that is still in progress and I translated only 1 chapter out of 47 on AO3, and read the entire manga back when there was no season 2 or 3.

When my Master died, I was extremely baffled. To be more precise, I was lost. To me, Master was like Reigen to Mob. And to express that love, adoration, and grief, I started writing lyrics.

Fanfics aren't usually considered serious, but I've always treated my writing as a piece of my bare soul. There wasn't a single superfluous word. Everything there was a living structure, everything breathed and sang.

I've been writing this piece for five years now and it's called "Ex-God".

There's a translated first chapter here

And there's the untranslated 47 here, but if you're interested, you can always read it through google translator :).

And in general I've always had a great Love for MobPsycho100. When I couldn't stand my life, I healed myself through my fanfic based on it.

I have a dream to finish it one day, translate it into Japanese and give it to One with sincere gratitude for the healing his work has given me.

#self care #mob psycho 100 #shigeo #mp100 #mp100 fanart #mp100 shigeo #mp100 mob #mob psycho fanart #mob psycho anime #mp100 fanfic #ao3 fanfic #ao3 author

[anastasia-belskaya]

I drew Archangel Michael as I see him.

I love him very much and he helps me a lot. When I feel bad and I don't know how to correct distortions on my time line, he helps me to organise everything, to make it whole.

Once I was writing a text and he just came and spoke with my mouth, although he was rather writing with my hands.

I was scared to send something like that to one of my blogs because it's weird for a lot of people.

I grew up in a family that kind of talked about spirituality, but leaned more towards materialism.

I mean, if I said that I see demons, communicate with archangels, dead relatives and once the Devil came to me to make a deal with me, but Michael stood up for me and I didn't agree - I wouldn't be understood.

They would say that I made it all up and in general. It doesn't work like that.

Only after many years, I can now speak openly who came to me and with whom I communicated and who helped me. And it's no longer seen as something strange in my family.

But sometimes my mum gets a bit tense if I tell her what my great-grandmother asked me to give to everyone.

Sometimes I hear the thoughts of different etheric beings and my relatives from several generations back.

Anyway. I'm a writer yes, I really don't have anything much to show for it yet, but I'm also drawing, yes, hi everyone, my name is Zezo x))))

Apparently I've got a thing for ending texts like that :D P.s. There is by the way a little story about how I met the Devil, maybe I'll show you sometime, in case anyone is interested)

#self care #my writing #writer #writers on tumblr #angel #archangel michael #self portrait #self love #mysticism #artwork #digital artist #artists on tumblr #drawing

[anastasia-belskaya]

Sometimes I look like Crowley. Just because I have to think about what to do with my life based on his character. I like to play different roles, in my texts, drawings I often play a specific role.

I'm actually very shy about cosplaying or talking about being like someone. It's either because I was made fun of at school when I was a kid, or because it wasn't accepted at school.

I was often told to be myself. Don't play a role. But I was. 7? 12? 15? I wanted to play roles because that's the age when you're not there yet as a person. You are, but you're so fragmented and you don't know what's going on that you try to feel yourself through the character. You're trying to figure out what you want to be. So I played different roles, but I was afraid to change my appearance or to fit myself to a character.

My family wanted to see me completely different. So I did things that either they liked or the exact opposite of what they liked. Just because it hurt?

I'm twenty-five now, but I'm still embarrassed to dress like my favourite character. Sometimes my soul is so exposed with all of this that I want to cry. Either from shame or from feeling worthless. I don't understand why I feel ashamed, because it's cool to dress up as someone sometimes.

I guess I'm afraid of being laughed at. Or they'll say that I don't look like them and I'm different. And I realise that this is stupid on the one hand, but on the other hand, I feel insecure and I constantly want to laugh. But I know that behind that laughter is my desire to burst into tears. P.s. You would know how embarrassed I am to publish this post...

#cosplay #crowley #crowley cosplay #good omens 2 #good omens #neil gaiman #self care #gos2 #anthony j crowley #photography #my photos #self portrait

[anastasia-belskaya]

This is an illustration I created for Zin on Horizen.

One of my big attempts to try something big and large, grandiose in composition.

I was very inspired by this game at one time. In general I love to play, I have a Playstation4 and a Playstation5 and when I was really sick I would get up for this game.

My life is very interesting, but sometimes I get a lot of inspiration from games. So I would go into a game with great enthusiasm and spend the best hours of my life there.

The scale of disaster that was shown in the game because of one man's ambition is very close to my life. It makes you think about your own hubris, and the second part of this game, the telling of what happened to Ted Faro introduces me to horror actually. But beautiful horror.

While I was playing this game I kept asking the question, "Well could it really get any worse?" and another equally important "Just one little detail changed everything, what would have happened if it hadn't happened?"

Every mistake was fatal. Absolutely every single one. From a small detail flowed another and it changed the whole development of humanity. It was shown very beautifully.

And I was even more impressed with the second part of the game. You know. We play this game, we go through the story and very often there is a thought: Was everything they did for nothing? I think of the thousands of civilisations that my soul carries the memory of. And that regret. These thoughts, say, we have come so far, we have created so much, seen so much, and. It's destroyed and lost, it was created to nothing.

This regret that there was Atlantis once, and now it is gone, and I can't go back home and walk its streets, and a lot of things that I feel, that I once felt, that I can't feel now. Thousands of knowledge lost and….

Working with my subconscious and soul, thanks to this game, I found the answer to this regret: even if all the materials are erased and the memory on the carriers is destroyed. There is still a collective unconscious where all these secrets and mysteries are always stored and are. And I just started to take from my unconscious field what I couldn't touch. I started to feel and bring back these lost memories, because all living knowledge, it remains inside us forever.

Through meditation you can sometimes almost fly into space, the main thing is to go through the light,

In general, as usual, a jumble of thoughts, hello everyone, my name is Zezo, I like to play games :)

#horizon zero dawn #horizon forbidden west #horizon #horizon games #horizon fanart #hfw aloy #aloy horizon #self care #writer #writers on tumblr

[anastasia-belskaya]

Hi-hi! I'm Zezo and sometimes i draw picture. It's Tery and he's thinking about something eternal.

What do you think about when you're alone with yourself?

Lately, I've been thinking back to my old childhood traumas. And writing fanfics based on them. I like to get into the back of my mind and heal anything that has ever hurt me.

Yesterday, I was really angry at my mum, at myself. Sometimes it's okay to be angry. I've forbidden myself for 10 years. So it is a great happiness for me to feel anger and hatred and allow them to be in my life

I don't think it's possible to love someone if you forbid yourself to hate them. Because then all your dissatisfaction is forced outwards and at some point you will wake up and find that your "Love" has become one solid "Hate", because Love and Hate are two different ends, but both these feelings are about the same thing. So I am learning to hate now so that I can learn to truly love a person.

#mob psycho 100 #teruki hanazawa #mp100 #mp100 fanart #mp100 teruki #self care #psychology

[anastasia-belskaya]

Hello everyone, let's get acquainted? I'm known in Internet as Zack Yeon, this is my artstation: https://www.artstation.com/zack_yeon

and this is my blog in tumblr like Zack Yeon - https://anastasiabelskaya.tumblr.com/ I quit tumblr for about 10 years and came back just recently only to find that my blog was blocked (I mean my first page). More precisely, it is marked “obscene” because of politics in 2018. I sent an unblock request so that people could see me, but I never received a response, so I decided to create new blog.

I am 25 years old and here I will now be called Zezo zezo. It's my pseudonym from ao3 I will be glad to receive any support from you in the form of a like or repost or just a kind word. In any case, I sincerely thank you for reading this post.

I dedicate my first post in the new blog to the characters of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. With great love in my heart. When I was very bad, I plunged into Good Omens and was reborn from such depths of my mind that every day now seems like a blessing Therefore, I want to say a huge thank you to the authors for what they created, because sometimes one thing can change the whole world, the mind and worldview of a person. And it will just help someone wake up and finally see their destiny.

And if somehow Neil reads this, I send him lots of love from the bottom of my angelic heart. I once had a dream about how we were talking and it was very beautiful. It was as if we had known each other for thousands of years.

#neil gaiman #good omens #david tennant #michael sheen #aziraphale #aziraphel #crowley #crowly x aziraphale #gos2 #good omens 2 #ineffable husbands #anthony j crowley #good omens art #self care #good omens aziraphale #good omens aziracrow