helloinvisibleideas77

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Loving you is like walking through hell everyday and losing myself there.

I honestly have no idea what to think anymore. It’s been over 2 weeks and you can’t even initiate sex. Why? I think to myself what have i done to deserve this? And then on the other hand I think why did I wait two weeks, if I wanted it I could’ve initiated but that’s not the point. We could stay like this for a month(s).  I can even predict what will happen next. I’ll ask, “Are you happy?, Are we having enough sex for you?”. To which you’ll respond, “Well, yes and no, obviously I would like to have more sex”. If that is your answer, everytime, then why can you not initiate. I have read so many articles on how to “get in the mood” or “increase intimacy” but most involve kissing beyond a peck, or touching, or complementing of which you struggle with all of them because you don’t like to be touched and you don’t like to touch. Sometimes I’ll try kiss you and slip my tongue in your mouth and you think it’s fun and games, I’ve tried to hold you and kiss you for long periods(when I can feel you are getting hard), I’ve tried to set up romantic dinner evenings(date night box). At the end of the day I have just given up. I think that’s why I’m over 2 weeks in, sexless. Because no matter what I do, you will never compliment me, you will never want to initiate sex, or spontaneously kiss me just as a tease. And that’s okay, because you’re not that type of person. But I need that type of person and therefore I need time to think.

#sexlessness #deadbedroom #nopassion #sadness #depression #actuallymentallyill #mentalhealth #tired #tired of this shit #tiredofliving #whydoitry #givingup #men #issues #relationships

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Keep knocking me down then?

My mom always said, “love doesn’t hurt you, a person who doesn’t know how to love does”, and that hit me.

#hurt #love #sadnes #depression #SuicidalThoughts #relationships #control #abusive relationships #actuallymentallyill #deadbedroom #sexlessness #tired of existing #tired of feeling this way

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Tired

I’m not upset, hurt or angry anymore, I’m just tired... Tired of putting in more effort than I receive, Tired of holding on for nothing, Tired of believing all the lies, Tired of you proving me wrong every time, Tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again, Tired of always being the strong one, Tired of of the two conflicting versions of myself fighting, Tired of not being good enough, Tired of feeling empty, Tired of keeping up appearances, Tired of working hard for nothing, Tired of relationships, Tired of love, Tired of life, Tired of living, Tired of sacrificing who I am for people who don’t deserve me Tired of giving parts of myself to people who just take, Tired of being used, Tired of constantly trying, Tired of constantly trying to find a solution. To everything. to everyone. Tired of not knowing who I am anymore, Tired of trying to be happy, Tired of trying to help people who don’t want to be helped, Tired of helping people who couldn’t care to be helped, Tired of being perfect,  Tired of searching for something that matters. Next time you’ll find me at the bottom of a bath drowning in my blood.

#suicidal #alreadydead #drownme #tired #tired of existing #tired of feeling this way #depression #sadness #relationship #sexlessness #deadbedroom #empty #not hurt just tired #actuallymentallyill

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Real intentions show themselves over time.

Why is it that I’ve gotten to this point that I’d rather keep quiet than say what I’d want to say. Out of fear? Out of knowing you’re going to blow it our of proportion? Or turn the situation on me? What is the use even. I know what response I’m going to get from you, “I’m right! and you know I’m right”. Always every time. To see you treat your own mother with such blatant disrespect that I’m cringing just hearing you raise your voice while getting impatient with her. For that I’d say more out of fear. Fear of conflict. Fear of being annihilated and belittled by you turning each debate on me. I can never be entitled to me own opinion. What have I become? Who am I? Everyday I run after you like a puppy, and you kick me down. Why do I submit to your control? Why do you control me? Why is it so hard to leave.

#controlling #relationships #abusive relationships #sexlessness #deadbedroom #Keeping Track #dailywriting #living with a narcissistic #narcissistic #alone #loneliness #sadness #conflict #actuallymentallyill #men

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Being lonely in a relationship will kill you quicker than being single.

#alone #Lonely #milesaway #relationship #relatable #depression #daily life #daily writing #why is he like this #why me #suicidal #unhappy #sadness #Living with a narcissistic #narcissistic #narcissism

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Give me the answer.

I wish I knew what I could do or what I've ever done to deserve this. I sit day in and day out yearning for your love and attention and I get denied and pushed aside each time. Why do you relentlessly push me away. I'm trying my hardest and you're breaking me more each time. Each denial, each rejection. Why can't you initiate anything for once in your life? Is it that hard?

#Sexlessness #Relationships #daily life #keeping track #suicidal #daily #daily writing #Men #deadbedroom #Unstable #Unhappy #depression #Effortless #narcissistic

[helloinvisibleideas77]

A ticket to Heartbreak City, anyone?

You break my heart again and again. Yet I still stay. Its a roller-coaster each day. I guess I should've known the good times wouldn't last. Now I stare at you watching television in silence, wanting to say something. But, what to say. Will it be worth the effort of either getting shot down or having the conversation go to shit. So there I sit, on the other side of the world. In silence. Wishing I could be right next to you, holding you. But you don't like that. So I'll stay here, keep my space and stay silent.

I'll talk when you ready, in a thousand years.

#actuallymentallyill #just another thing #anxiety #alone #abusive relationships #depression #daily writing #daily life #relationships #need space #narcissistic #Sophomaniac #silence #sadness #far away

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Miles away, next to you.

And tonight I'll go to bed alone, without you and that hurts because I'll be sharing the same bed with you, you'll just be miles away. Again.

#Alone #With you #Relationships #relatable #Difficult situations #Issues #Men #Depression #Sadness #Trust #Mental health #keeping track #daily writing #actuallymentallyill #No effort #trying #Isolated in isolation #sexlessness #Deadbedroom

[helloinvisibleideas77]

3 Stories Down

I guess madness is like gravity, all you need is a push.

#actuallymentallyill #keeping track #men #relationships #deadbedroom #Depression #Unhappy #feeling inadequate

[helloinvisibleideas77]

When you realize people will never change it becomes easier to accept that you will never be good enough for me, you will never actually deserve me because no matter what I do you will always walk over me, you will always force your opinion on me and I will never be able to be myself around you.

Today I wasn’t even ‘allowed’ to take part in a social challenge because you thought it was lame and didn’t see the fun in it. You are the only person who doesn’t know how a couple can cook together and see it as one helping the other prep. You don’t see the value in the time spent together.

We don’t spend much time together even though we are in lockdown together and are around one another. When we have dinner together that’s our special time together, we will eat and watch a show, you literally don’t last 5 minutes before going onto your phone. I lose interest as you’re not present, you’re playing games and watching videos on your phone while I watch a show alone, every night. So I get up. Walk away and go clean up. That’s been the new lockdown routine. Why? Because you don’t value me, you don’t value in spending quality time together.

It was Easter recently and you literally couldn’t bother to put effort in. We be the went out shopping the same day I got your chocolates. Why did I get you chocolates? Because celebrating Easter with gifts and chocolate is special to you! Did you put in any effort no.

Did I see it coming? Yes. Every time. Do I expect effort from you? Not at all.

#relationship #abusive relationships #actuallymentallyill #deadbedroom #keeping track #mental health #daily writing #depression #sexlessness #no effort

[helloinvisibleideas77]

When I can see you get hard to watching half naked woman fight in a video game.

#men #immature #deadbedroom #sexlessness #depression #sadness #video games #youtube #feeling inadequate

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Good mornings & Lies

We judge people who have sex for money but we have sex for good morning texts and lies.

#men #mental health #actuallymentallyill #deadbedroom #keeping track #relationships #2 #sexlessness #initiate #lies #half truths #depression #im just tired #couples #daily life #lockdown

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Some sick joke, surely.

We wake up. It’s a work day for me and we have a new routine, already. I wake up, get dressed, make tea, get started with my day, you are generally still sleeping and stay in bed for awhile, watch tv, game, then come through to the lounge. We say good morning and you game for the day while I work and try keen out of your space.

This morning, first thing, you ask a very accusatory question. You ask, “You didn’t take the food out the freezer did you?”. I thought it was more of a statement. You say it was a question. I asked you to rephrase it as it wasn’t my duty to take the food out the freezer nor was I asked to, just expected to remember.

Like I need to run a household, be a “housewife”, breadwinner work 8hrs a day, still keep my body in peak condition so I look amazing for you but yet I need to also remember 10 thousand things.

You are a literal manchild. All you do all day is, sleep, eat, game and can barely hold a conversation with me about anything serious.

You’re 27 a week ago I told you I was sexually frustrated and you’ve done nothing to try, is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with you? Because you spend 45minutes in the bathroom everyday so I’m assuming you’re doing more than seeing a man about a horse. Or am I wrong?

Sex has always been a huge part of a relationship for me because it’s about connection, about shared passion and intimacy. I refuse to just have sex because I’m desperate.

I’m not even confused anymore. I’m sad. I’m upset. I have no idea how someone could live with someone else who puts in so much effort and literally put in no effort to try and make them happy. You are just sponging off me, using me as your mother.

Some days I wonder if this is all some sick joke.

#deadbedroom #relationship #mental health #quotes #men #actuallymentallyill #sexlessness #brat #unhappy #sexually frustrated #manchild #suidical #depression #recovery #sick joke

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Alone, with you.

I want nothing more than to feel your heartbeat. To hear what you need. To have you right by my side. But instead you're on the other side of the bed, seemingly miles away and it feels like crawling to you would take years.

So instead, I sigh. Turn over and fall asleep.

#relationships #daily writing #relationship #mental health #men #deadbedroom #keeping track #quotes #Sexlessness #actuallymentallyill #suicidal thoughts #sadness #Trust issues #insecure #rejectscorner #rejection

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Let go or be dragged.

I should’ve never said anything last week. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. But I long for affection. I long for touch, to be held, to be loved. Since I voiced how I felt you have clammed up and have been more sexually distant than before, I try touch you and you pull away. I think I’m always over you, giving you affection because I have such a desperate need for it myself. Sick, isn’t it. How you can’t give me what I need even when I’m sitting on top of you, clothed. You would rather ask me to get off.

I feel rejected yet again.

I struggle to feel sexually attracted to you when you reject me every time. As much as I long for love I have a fear from past experiences holding me back.

You mention in passing the divorce rate will increase due to the lockdown and many couples will feel it because they are in each others face the whole time. My response was simple, “each person has the opportunity to make the best out of every situation”, to which you respond by saying, “not really, if you’re in each others space, you’re bound to be irritated by the little things about your partner that irritate you because you can’t escape them”. I do agree. But you can always make the best of a shit situation and you don’t have to let the small things bug you.

So small experiment. I’m going to give you no affection which you deem irritating and “harassment” and I will give you your space so you don’t have to escape me for 1 week and let’s see how the situation is throughout and at the end. Because I have tried everything for you. I’ve spoken to your friends to try help the situation at work, I’ve spoken to your parents, I’ve spoken to a therapist and continue to. But at this point I actually don’t know what to feel.

You ask me if I’m okay, regularly. I’m not. Obviously. I’m obviously not going to tell you what’s wrong because we’ve been down that road and it’s gone no where. I get guilt tripped into thinking it’s all my fault, end up apologizing to my surprise and then somehow everything goes back to normal with 2 weeks of honeymoon phase where it’s blissful. But so not worth the pain of bringing it up, the guilt trip, having failed again.

It’s easier to live like this, I’ll dig deeper and bury it better this time.

#memories #life #mentalhealth #actuallymentallyill #suicidalthoughts #suicidal #depression #daily writing #abusive relationships #narcissistic #men #deadbedroom #harassment #social experiment #escape #sadness #situation

[helloinvisibleideas77]

Patience is bitter

I’m a day late. In writing that is. Not sure where your mind went. Day 3 of the hostage situation and you spent it in bed with me watching television, literally ALL day. I thought it was a blissful day, we got to relax for once. Even though all of my receptors were going off telling me I need to do something productive every 5 seconds. I resisted the urge.  It’s 6pm, dinner time and you’re not hungry. So I have a salad, and a grilled cheese sandwich. I attempt to stream Bloodshot to relax while you game in the lounge and you come through to the bedroom to witness my struggle.  This is where it all goes to shit. Quite literally. A whole, beautiful day, torn to pieces. Right then and there. Why you ask? Because you can never be patient with me, not for one second. You can see I’m struggling, but instead of trying to help or show me how to do it you get upset, take over the situation and just do it yourself. You say, “If you were just more patient and stopped pressing the same button over and over you wouldn’t have broken the app.”  I just shook my head. What do you say to that? It’s like slapping a child over the head when it does something wrong for the first time when it didn’t even know what the right way was. I hope one day you get what you deserve. We all will.

#suicidal #suicidalthoughts #actuallymentallyill #depression #sadness #broken #relationship #inconsolable #deadbedroom #abusive relationships #narcissistic #keeping track #im not crazy #mental health #lockdown #men #daily writing

[helloinvisibleideas77]

I’ll just stay hidden

There comes a point where talking about it doesn’t make you feel better anymore. You just live with your mouth closed and your walls up and you heart hidden.

#suicidal thoughts #suicide #depressive #depression #actuallymentallyill #mental health #sadness #silence #relationship #issues #deadbedroom #keeping track #walls #up