ichigo-gyunyu-blog

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

I don’t know anymore

And then 2 years has passed. (11/14/2018)

Hello everyone who is reading this. In all honesty, I don’t know if this will be continuous or just like all my other posts, I will come back after so-so years. I guess I am writing again because I don’t know anymore, I don’t know what is happening to me. I don’t know who I can talk to, I don’t know who will understand because I myself don’t know if I still know myself. I guess I’m slowly losing it.

I have always been feeling like this, ever since before, maybe the other reason why this blog is not continuous is because of my spirit, because I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if this is a temporary feeling but I have been feeling this ever since I was studying. Like something in me just vanished, just hid from the world.

Year 2000, I started studying in high school. From that moment, I vanished from everything. I just wanted to be alone, I wanted to hide from the world. This might be a stupid word but I just want to disappear... In other words, I want to die. But it has never happened, because there’s that personality that’s preventing me to do it. The personality of not wanting to be a burden on others, the personality that doesn’t want attention. This personality has been saving me all the time until now.

I became weak, I don’t know. But it has worsened when I was bullied on the last year of high school. Almost the whole class bullied me and I almost lost it. The burden was too much I almost planned on how to die. I planned to die not because I want to run, but because I want those people to suffer while they are still alive. I guess you could call it a revenge. I want them to regret and suffer for the rest of their life. I want them to always think about how I killed myself because of them...

It’s so bad right? Yes, it’s so bad, and I’m sorry for thinking like that. You all must be thinking why I did not tell the teachers. Maybe because I still cared about them. If I went and told them about it... Our graduation might be jeopardized because of that. It’s not because of the bullying.... It is because of the reason why I was bullied.

It was scary, I have no one. No one stood up for me, no one talked to them to stop it. Yes, some people was with me but... I was still alone, I was in the darkness, it was too heavy for me. I never felt them. I do want to thank them for believing in me but... The darkness was too overwhelming for me, I did not know what to do.

I told my mom about it but the only suggestion I got was I should tell it to the teacher... I don’t know what I was expecting but I felt like she just saw it as a kids play... Maybe I was waiting for an advice, maybe waiting for her to say “fight... Don’t just let them bully you like this...”, but there’s none. Just tell the teacher...

I had a diary, it was there, I wrote how I wanted to die, how I wrote all the messages to my family, my plan on how I will kill myself. If I can remember I was planning to die by crossing the street when there’s a truck.

When I think about it, it was so bad. I never even thought about the consequences of that, not only to my family but to the truck driver as well. I guess the other kind personality was able to persuade me not to do it but doing the last resort on how to stop the bullying. And that was to say “Sorry”.

Bullying is so bad, it takes all your everything, it drains you, it’s just darkness, you cannot see anything, you will feel numb, you will feel alone.

As I am typing this now, I am drained. After all, this is a memory that won’t be erased, I don’t know if this has healed but it is still affecting me, I feel sluggish, like all the energy I had was let out, I got tired. I think listening to a gentle music helped me to relax my mind and my soul.

Truth is... I don’t know what is happiness, I don’t know where I am, I think I’m still in the darkness, I am still trying to look for that light that will help me to resurface again, I cry most nights because I feel helpless, because like what I said, I feel alone. As of now, I don’t think I’m valuing myself, I don’t know if I love myself, I don’t know me, I’m just staying...... Alive as best as I can.

Is this depression? I don’t know. Anxiety? I don’t know. Bi-polar tendencies? I don’t know. Everything is unanswered. I still have a lot to talk about, but I guess for now, this would be the start.

Thank you for reading this whoever you are. I may be insulted, some might get angry, some might not understand, some might not even care and troll me, but it’s okay. We are all different, I just want to let this out of my heart, my mind and my soul because it’s becoming tired, it’s becoming full so I have to let some out so that I can still stay sane.

Again, thank you for reading this. I hope you all have a good day.

#sadness #i dont know #darkness #help #alive #surviving #death #sanity #heart #soul #light

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

After 3 years...

I’m so poor at blogs (am I?) hahaha I’m sorry! As much as I wanted to try and update my blog (This blog), my mind always drifts off somewhere and then I will forget it. I know, I’ve forgotten to update for 3 years -__-

Well, since I’m updating it again, nothing new, I’m still jobless and I’m currently sick *sigh. It’s always at around this month I get sick, it’s either I have fever, sore throat, cough or worst, asthma. Right now what I have is colds and a bit of sore throat. I also have a problem with my sleeping habit, I guess insomnia was able to take over me. I am almost at the point wherein I can stay up for 24 hours (Crazy right?!)

Actually because of this poor sleeping habit, I cannot get some exercise, I mean how can I even exercise if I lack sleep? I will pass out for sure. Although I already made a very good progress with my weight. 90kg to 68.2kg, awesome right?! I have to fix this poor sleeping habit soon or I will just go back to that sluggish feeling again u_u;

I guess that’s all for now, I cannot make any promises that I will update, but since we have a good internet lately (hopefully I don’t jinx it) I might be able to update maybe once a few weeks or every other day or every day Hahaha! Well you all have a nice day and stay positive! Thanks for reading!

#3years #update #blog #jobless #joblessfornow #sick #insomnia #exercise #weightloss #positive

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

Hisashiburi ne!

Hi! wow, it's been a while... :D I miss this site, hahaha! How's everyone? Well not much to tell. I already resigned from my work last year, and currently looking for a new job. I'll post again when that happens afufufu! Well, I guess that's all for now! Just keeping my blog alive! XD

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

Long time

Hi! it's been 2 months, since I've posted something here in tumblr. Haha, there are so many things that happened so I forgot to actually update. I've got work now (yay!) so I always forgot to update... ANYWAYS

what's up? thanks for the people who likes my post! And to user 'babuypege' don't worry i'll post the recipe here soon :) thanks for liking it! Sorry, I want to reply on your post but it seems it's not supported by tumblr community. T_T

For the other people who also liked my other post (like the manga pics with notes) if you reblog them, please give credit to the creators (not me okay? ^_^) they have created something so beautiful, and it's nice if you appreciate their work and share them to your friends. thanks :) you can reblog my pics without giving credit hahaha! they are just ordinary pictures anyway. XD

I will be updating my tumblr every week, and hoping I could share more interesting pictures and events happening in here. thanks for reading and have a great day!

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

The Avengers

Yesterday, my cousin and I were invited by my aunt to their company 'family appreciation day'. The event was a free movie and the film is 'The Avengers'. The movie was ridiculously cool! XD I never thought that movie would be so cool to the extent that everyone was clapping at the end of the movie. All of them were my favorite. At first I was a bit skeptical about the actor playing the hulk, because I always seen him in drama movies but not in an action movie. But he was really good! It suits him, hahahaha! Captain America is so handsome, Iron man was still funny as ever, Thor was so cool too with his magnetic hammer XD and Black widow reminds me of Victoria from the twilight saga, maybe because of her hair. But she was so flexible! I love her moves, The hawk definitely is the master of the arrows LOLz. That movie was definitely a hit! I won't spoil anything here, because people might bash me hahahaaha! But I will definitely give many thumbs up for this movie, it's worth watching! ^_^

#the avengers #movie #family day #company outing

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

Blueberry Cheesecake

I would just like to share this. It's actually my first time to make a blueberry cheesecake. This is my gift to my highschool friend. I am so glad she like it ^_^

#food #dessert #bluberry cheesecake #cheesecake

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

Another hot, quiet day

It's nice to just stay inside the house. Not because I don't wan to go out... It's just so very hot outside! The heat can really kill! I'm not sure about the temperature, but this kind of heat can cause heat stroke. If you get in contact with the sun, your skin will hurt. That's how bad the sun is now. T_T ooooohh, even inside the house, you can feel it's enormous heat, the fan helps but the wind its giving is also from the hot wind.

On the other hand, today is a peaceful day for me... You can even do yoga because of this silent environment, maybe it's because all people are inside their houses. Although I can hear some people laughing at the basketball court, but it's not so loud. It's nice once in a while to hear everything within your surroundings. I can hear the bird, the rotating fan, a toilet flushing, people's faint laughter, a bike, an airplane, a motorcycle passing by, a ball hitting the hoop, the shower, and footsteps. See? Because of this quiet environment, I can concentrate and almost hear every faint, small sound. Interesting isn't it? How much can the ear can hear all these sounds. Why don't you try it too? If you were in a quiet surroundings, try to just stay still concentrate, and you will hear all these amazing sounds. :)

#heatof the sun #quiet #heat #concentration #peaceful

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

So freaking hot...

Today is so hot, the temperature reached 36 degrees Celsius... T_T Even when you're inside the house, it's so hot. It has been like this for almost 2 or 3 days i think. People are getting sick, colds, fever, headache, and most of all... Heatstroke... You cannot go outside without using umbrella. They said that the sun right now is very much dangerous to our skin. It can cause skin cancer, it's because the earth's ozone layer has now holes, which means too much radiation from the sun can cause skin irritation... I just hope it will at least rain...

#temperature #sun #heatstroke

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

My favorite seiyuu

I just admire this person... A lot.... XD He's weird, a gamer, and an anime otaku... How do I explain this, hmm... He's just like me hahaha, the first person who has the same hobbies like mine XD the only difference is our nationality hahaha! If only I can be his friend, that would be so cool! ^_^

(I do not own the image of Mr. Sugita. Credits are given to the photographer and the person who originally posted this.)

#seiyuu #tomokazu sugita #sugita #gintoki #gintama

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

Hedgehog

I want you all to meet 'Spike' but most of the time I call her 'Spikey' (Weird right? hahaha! it's a she, but the name is for male) I have two hedgies, and the other hedge's name is 'Roll', I just got the name from Katekyo Hitman Reborn ^_^; Spikey is a bit grumpy at first (and sometimes bites, when your hand smells like food).  Roll on the other hand doesn't bite. They're so cute right? :D

#hedgehog #pet #hedgie

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

Chocolate Trauma

February 15, 2012… That was the day I ate all of these chocolates… Why? I’m just celebrating valentines like the other couples. But the difference is that I’m not in that kind of relationship right now (boyfriend, girlfriend)… So I’ve decided to eat chocolates, because it seems that chocolate is the symbol of valentines… So I ate all of it, the time was 1:30pm… After eating the chocolates, I drank lots and lots of water… Then the night time came, I suddenly feel sick, my throat hurts, and then I got a high fever, I don’t really feel good at that time… Then the next day, I had no voice, my throat really hurts. Before, I thought that it’s impossible to lose your voice, like there’s no really sound coming out… But then on that day I realized that it is definitely true, my throat hurts for almost a week… It’s just because of those chocolates T_T I really am traumatized regarding the chocolates, but I always encourage myself not to lose to my trauma… So I’m trying my best to eat chocolates, but only I limit myself to 1 chocolate…

#chocolate #fever #sweets #tonsilitis #trauma #valentine's day #sick

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

Defender of 'Love' - Mayora 13 - XD

(I do not own the image or the anime... Credits given to their respective owners ^_^)

#gintama #hijikata #hijikata toshiro #mayora13 #mayora #anime

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

I really wanted to buy their software... T_T Especially Kaito!

(note: I do not own the picture... Credits given to their respective owners...)

#hatsune miku #kaito #vocaloids

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

I'm very emotional with this video.

Song: VOiCE - Sung by Miku and Kaito (Vocaloids)

#voice(vocaloid) #hatsune miku #kaito #robot #vocaloids

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

What happens when boys see their crushes wearing a swimsuit?

(I do not own the image/manga... Credits are given to the author and the translators :)

#dear(manga) #fujiwara cocoa #manga

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

Less sleep...

I didn't get enough sleep last night, because I was worried that my niece would wake up, although I'm so sleepy, I only had few naps (5 minutes) then the rest of the night I was totally awake. My mom sent me a text message saying that they will go to the market. She was downstairs and me and my niece were inside the room, she didn't went to our room because she might woke up the kid. So I had the responsibility to feed her, it was fun but tiring because I didn't have enough sleep. Her dad (my brother) came and he was the one continued to feed her. She's still a bit spoiled but she follows us more when my mom is not around. When mom got back from the market, I decided to sleep. That time was 11am and when I lay down on my bed I immediately fell asleep and I was awoken by the sound of my cellphone. I thought it was just a dream but then the sound became very annoying that I decided to open my eyes. Someone sent me a text message and it was my sister. Me and my cousin were supposed to go and apply, but then the message says that the person assigned to interview us will be taking a leave and will be back next year (January 2011). It sucks, but I have to wait until then. I am already excited because I will be going together with my cousin, and if we're fortunate hopefully two of us will be hired. Oh how I wish that would come true, that can be my new year's wish.

Regarding the "doodles" on the wall, I'm not yet done cleaning, but toothpaste can remove the marker from the wall, it was very interesting and it smelled toothpaste :) Hopefully tomorrow I can update everyone about it. Oh and regarding the doodles, I didn't see the even the cover of my laptop notebook has writings too. I didn't see it because the cover was black, I just noticed it when I see the logo, red. I was in rage a while ago. >.> Even my keyboard ("enter" key) has doodles. Damn, I am pissed, but I already removed it thanks to the toothpaste, the cover doodle is already gone and I'll be removing the doodle on the 'enter' key. I'm just worried that the chips inside it might get wet, so I'll have to be careful. So that's all that has happened.

#sleep #niece #brother #laptop #toothpaste

[ichigo-gyunyu-blog]

The wall...

Today, my brother and my niece visited our house. My brother left his daughter to us for a while because he has to attend a Christmas party in his office. His daughter is very hyper so she's running everywhere, and honestly I easily get annoyed, but I'm trying to understand because she's just a kid. But she's fighting back with my mom, her grandmother, and I cannot tolerate when someone is fighting back, so I sometimes scold her. They say, she's scared of me, because I am not spoiling her. So I thought she will not come near me and listen to me, but for some reason, she's still coming near to me and calls me "tita!". Well, I am happy about it, but she's just so hard headed, so I'm scolding her. Well she's behaving a little when I scold her. So anyway, today she had done something very annoying (for me). She doodled on the wall, in my sister's box and my room. I didn't get mad since I'm thinking it can be removed.

It's a lot of work since the pen that was used was a red marker T_T and as far as I'm concerned, I'm sure I'll be the one to remove this doodles. So I used an acetone and tried to remove the writings on the wall.

Well, somehow the writings on the wall came off (a little) but I noticed that when I wipe it off the color is spreading, so it became a bit smudged. But the cottons that I used became a bit pink, so I guess the acetone works (Never mind the ipod) I was listening to music so I won't get bored. The time I started was 4:25pm. Then I thought of something that can remove the writings a bit better. So I used toothpaste and an unused brush, and until now I'm not finished. I'll update everyone tomorrow if the writings disappeared. I stopped cleaning because my niece said she wants to play drawing (paint) on my computer, so I entertained her for a while. And what do you know she fell asleep in my room. And now she's beside me sleeping peacefully. Who would have thought that me, her aunt that always scold her is now sleeping in my room. So I guess she understands that I am only scolding her because what she does is not good. I'll update my wall cleaning tomorrow. =)

#wall #niece #doodle #kid #marker #toothpaste #cleaning