myeyestoyours

[myeyestoyours]

Dear god,

If you exist and if heaven does, will you please do me a favour? There’s Pappa and Babuji and Rakshita’s Dad, will you please take extra care of them? Tell them we are miserable in their absence and not at the same time. Tell them we cannot let moments pass by without thinking of them but we are letting days pass by as though we were just fine. Tell them we are here taking care of whatever they left behind and everything that was their beloved. And meanwhile, you take care of them, a little extra from my side, because they were my beloved.

And dear god,

if you exist and heaven does, find a way and let me know, that they’re fine and that they have met the people they had loved and lost in the past. Let me know that you know a way I can return this favour of yours.

Sincerely,

Me

[myeyestoyours]

It is 2:27 a.m. on a February Sunday, I am 26 for atleast 2 more months and the last couple of weeks have been crazy. I felt many feelings, walked many walks, worked at work, celebrated the celebrations, and amongst all these loved exchanging love. What’s new you ask? Flowers.

Well,

I am an appreciator. I like flower buds that show up on twigs after trembles, I like the orange ones red ones and especially the yellow ones on the trees, the bushes and the pots. I like roses and tulips and orchids and carnations and gerberas. I like flowers, who doesn’t? Yet, I have barely received flowers as a gesture or an expression. Neither do I recall an instance where I picked some for myself, from a garden or a shop. And somehow growing and nurturing flowers with attachments to their roots deep down always sounded more appealing.

Recently though, flowers have made their way to the only vase I own. And I’ve witnessed the sparkle in people’s eyes while they hand me the flowers, anticipating instant elation in mine. I do smile, at the thoughtfulness, at the care, the love and appreciation. I do smile and I even try to delay them “wilt-days”. I promise, I do.

Flowers wilt though. Colours fade away. Life. Just, life.

[myeyestoyours]

do you feel this strange satisfaction

when you know that

your love is honest

meaning you never cheated

you might have lied or hid a couple of things

but with your love for them,

you were only honest

when you know

your love is sincere

you’d love on days of storms and calmth

you’d love when broken and content

when you know

your love is giving

i wont call it selfless, that is tough

loving isn’t selfless

we love because that makes us happy

we love because it is fulfilling

when we get something in return,

and when we do it to get this something

it isn’t selfless

But giving in love is so fulfilling

when you know

your love is unconditional

i didn’t say constant because

love grows and on days it shrinks

it fades and perhaps even shines sometimes

but when they disappoint, disregard, disrespect or just leave

you don’t stop loving

when you know

you have loved them

in all the ways you know

or in the only way you know

it is relieving

you know there’s all the more you want to do

for them because you love them

and you know you have indeed spoken to them

in all the languages of love you know

when you know

your love is a beam of light

and it could reach the source and reflect

and sometimes even when you don’t get a fraction back,

you are content

your heart constantly swollen because

you feel this strange satisfaction

or don’t you?

#words #writers on tumblr #poem #thoughts #life #love #satisfaction

[myeyestoyours]

dear uncle,

we didn’t get to meet in this vast place called universe but it almost seems like we did. maybe in some tiny little universe that Rakshita has created here, i have met you. i have met everyone who has made it into Rakshita’s mighty of a heart and out of it. and you, i have known you as the most significant permanent resident of that dil.

she talks about your radio and your songs, she talks about your moustache and your quirky dance moves, she talks about your fondness to learning new facts and digging deep into forgotten stories of the world.

she told me how you love repairing. she told me about your love for collecting pieces of art to adorn your favourite corners. she showed me the knot she learnt how to tie when she visited you first. she told me about the bar stool you sit on while aunty cooks and you accompany her at the counter. she mentioned how you make her the best cocktails in the world.

i don’t think you know that you are a fellow Taurus, just like me. she told me you’re the best one she knows. i remember the most evident thing that could make her uneasy was when she had some little disagreement with you. i know it wouldn’t happen as often because she also told me she was forever „team Papi“. didn’t she once support you in keeping the secret about your non existent other family.

she keeps talking about how goofy and fun you are. i remember telling her i would really get along with you very well. major crush. she told me how this era where you would drop her to college/school and catch up on headlines on the newspaper and how you’d run your fingers over her knuckles softly, she told me this was when she got to bond with you the most.

Inaas told me she saw a video of your hair being shaven and how sporty you were being about it. i didn’t get to see that myself but it almost feels like i witnessed it myself. that is how much and how often she talks about you.

Sporty reminds me, you play golf? How cool! i was hoping i could learn or try my hand at it one day when i see you. i still hope i do. through Rakshita or Rishabh bhaiya. somehow. oh how fond i am of the people you have raised.

she says “seeing Papa and talking to him makes my day”. i have seen her days being made by just a little pinch of you. i promise i will try my best to bring a fraction of those “made my day” feels for her on as many days as possible. no one can ever do to her what you or a glance at you does.

she told me you love your knives and maps and that you and her had a telepathic connection. she never told me how and what. maybe i didn’t ask. i must. i will when i see her next.

and your obsession with this particular handcream she had. hahhaha. you are so cute. i like how little things make you happy and how you are capable of making someone, who hasn’t even met you, so so fond of you.

she loves consulting you for everything decision she makes. but technology, oh she trusts no one better. my favourite part is when you would be curious around her, asking her things about her world, europe, her master thesis, just anything and everything. she said she loves sharing things with you.

she also majorly loves the life and world that the air-force alliance has given her. and ofcourse all of that has tremendous memories she has of you, with you, around you. i am still gonna visit these places and meet these people she talks about. and through them and her, hopefully meet you as well.

whenever she goes to a museum, she always leaves with a something in mind to tell you because “papa is gonna love this”. and how much her smile wides when you ask her what knowledge she gained from an exam or presentation or class . she tells me little things about you and i just grow fonder of you. i mean, you play a flute, hellooo. i love flutesss.

wait let me attach a small bit of what rakshita said when she went home first from Germany:

“

Things I didn't know I missed since last I was home-

1. Referring to inside jokes with Bhaiya in person

2. Papa being particular about me walking barefeet and getting on bed with the unwashed feet

3. Papa saving newspaper articles for me

4. Papa refilling my mason jar and covering it with a coaster

5. Papa turning up the radio when I tell him that the old song playing is nice. Then him proceeding to tell me the plot of the movie it's from.

“

i remember you like cheese. i have to admit appreciating cubes and slices of cheese is something i picked from rakshita’s narrations of you. but are you also cheesy? Rakshita does this thing where she says something very cheesy with the most uninteresting expression on her face. do you do that too? maybe when you team up with her to plan surprises for 24.07?

it is quite simple. she seems to love you, not just because you’re her father but as a complete human being. she loves your ways of life, your journeys, your optimism and charisma (which i have to admit i have fallen for as well). and i love her. so there is no need for one another reason for me to love you. i love you. i hope we do meet soon. You will stick around right?

tab tak,

bye.

Bhargavi

[myeyestoyours]

call me crazy. call me toxic. call me whatever you want. the truth is i do get extremely uncomfortable in my skin after every percent more comfortable i find myself around you. don’t ask me why.

every time you point at those colours, that hour, those shapes, them names and

every time you kiss me on my forehead and

every time you touch my fingers and reach for my hand and

every time you say something that makes me feel cared for, comforted and loved,

i want to believe for this you to be real

but i know i cannot.

i know i will be woken up out of this dream.

dream, is it even one? i don’t know. but in those seconds when you are around me and in those moments when I can look into your eyes, i see affection, i have faith, i feel safe and embraced. all these feelings i crave for and for some reason, also the feelings i instantly feel next to you, in your voice, in your presence and even in your texts. how can so much be a lie? how can instincts be so misleading?

maybe, they’re not? perhaps?

you know how often i open our chat and how many minutes of my days i spend sitting and staring at them? you know how conflicting my emotions are in those very moments? how confused my heart gets seeing attachment and detachment all in one place, promises and dismissals alternating through and through.

the more you grow on me, the more i feel distanced from my own self, from these not so underlined but empowering emotions. because i told myself i won’t entrust in a somewhere that leads to conditional rewards- only on days when the weather is good, for you.

i am grateful you familiarised me with these emotions i had long forgotten but flickering assurance weakens my ability to trust my own feels you know?

do you see how much energy i put into you when i do? do you see how much i’ve learnt about you so i can care about each detail? do you know that making sure you are comfortable is when i am the most at ease? do see how much i choose not to see anymore just so i don’t let the bitter interfere with all the sweet i feel around you?

do you see it? do you know?

and if you do, why am i here looking at you confused every time after you’ve looked at me with love?

if you do, why do you accept it and deny it all at the same time? how?

how do you fill my heart with so much warmth and also leave it cold and vacant like an unoccupied room that echoes of every sound that occurs there.

how’re you the pin that anchors, but also the pin that pierces, bursts and then falls on the ground with a thud in that void.

just, how.

and why. why am i living this feeling a millionth time already. and still never calling it my last.

[myeyestoyours]

Dear you,

Time for a birthday summary. Here it goes!

I turned 26 this year. I’m entering a new phase I guess. But never gonna get tired of my birthdays. It started with me being excited about my day approaching: a day i celebrate myself snd everyone who make me who I am. Azeem asked me what I wanted for a present. When I didn’t give a definitive answer, he just told me he’d dress up for me. For me, that’s when my birthday started- 2 days before it arrived! Also that day, I received a parcel with things I couldn’t possibly get over and ofcourse it was Anukriti. In the two decades of knowing her, how have we barely met but never missed each other’s birthdays? It is beautiful how some childhood hobbies and obsessions still haven’t changed in me and she could be the only one recognising it!

Somehow, being lonely is my greatest fear on my birthday so I always like to plan my birthdays. I like to remind people to be around me when I bring in a new year in my life. Munich, my favourite city, has turned into a scary place in the past year: loneliness eats me up. So, for my midnight, I invited Shruta and Safal to bake a cake with me. Cute how they did turn up spontaneously. I didn’t have much to treat them with but I was happy and they were generous with their gestures that evening. We were just existing together when the date changed, I got my hugs and I was smiling. Inaas still managed to wish me the first on my day. In 6 years or 7, this was my first birthday midnight without her. I missed her momentarily. After a good night’s sleep, I woke up to a bunch of beautiful messages and took the time to appreciate them. Baini said in a long long message that I am the best and that she loves my presence in her life.

Roshni called me a ball of sunshine. Mom sent emotional blessings. Dad prepared a virtual card. Maria called me gorgeous. Mansi said she loved me despite all the adulting pain. And just so many more messages wishing me a wonderful day! I took my time getting ready for work in the “musafir” hoodie my family sent over for me. I resonate with it. With all the smiles ever, I arrived at work, just to be welcomed by a HUGE cake on my table from Hermine and a note on top saying her son hot sick so she couldn’t stay. Is she for real? Can someone really travel an hour to and another back just to drop me a cake she baked? Do I even deserve this much love? I was already tearing up at this point. Then, my eyes moved to another bag full of chocolates and a greeting card by Hande. Such a sweetie! What was most distracting was the money plant anonymously lying on my desk. Ofcourse it was Sophie. She’s a sweetheart, she knew exactly what would make me smile widest on my day! While I rushed to thank these people, Juliano stopped and hugged me tight. He says I am sweet and that he loves me for that. That is validating m, yep it is. Jintian got me a yellow card and a pair of clip on earrings. Who told her about my obsession with earrings? Such a sweetie ! Isabel got me a goodie bag from the body shop. She said she picked her favourite stuff for me. I appreciate that. Then I gathered everyone for sharing the three cakes I had. Everyone was adorable with their greetings and ranking the cakes for no reason was super fun. Teresa said she loves how I work and she wishes we’d met before. That made me smile. Safal called me randomly and I took me to the third floor. He had gotten me a slice of Sachertorte and a postcard with our picture collage on it! Him knowing that’d make me smile, meant the world to me. Who’s gonna tell him that was my favourite birthday moment? Loved when people came amidst work and across buildings even to share a moment with me. Alina gave me the tightest longest hug of the century and got me a balloon full of pink confetti inside. I don’t remember telling her that I love balloons and that I associate my birthdays with balloons. I thought it’d be too childish to do that. But she knew, how? Sophie Maria and Alina said they have apparently also planned a surprise activity for me that I have no clue when I am getting to know. But I’m excited! Cuties! At some point I left work with Alina Sophie Joel and my beautiful balloon swinging in my hand until we entered the bus and it burst open making the whole bus laugh as all things were covered in confetti. That was something for sure. Received several calls from relatives (Maamu, Didiya..who else..?) while we reached the escape room we had planned! It was about an art collector’s most prized painting hidden somewhere and we were the robbers on a mission. It was tremendous fun and the sun peeking out right after we finished to make way for a few scoops of homemade icecream scoops was just perfect. At this point I checked time and I knew I would be late for my grand birthday dinner because I also needed to dress-up. 10 minutes, that’s all I took to look from rag to fab and arrived at the table booked for 10 people with just 2 sitting there. Azeem looked gorgeous and Shruta was as fab as always. I couldn’t stop smiling. Shruta also got me amazing lipshade and skincare and her favourite chocolate (maybe because I am a favourite). I must mention that some very cool stickers arrived at work right on my birthday! :)Ankush arrived with tulips of my favourite colours and Safal turned up in a denim jacket that he liked to believe doesn’t suit him. I appreciate when people make efforts. Slowly Kat Rakshita Jahnavi and Inaas also arrived after their long train rides and they even took their Friday off for me. I was humbled by the sight of them. It was a fun dinner I must admit and Shruta ending it with her delicious cake in the end was the better part of the evening. That girl worked way too hard for me that day. Apparently Safal also helped.

Bringing people to my place was such a good feeling and so was unpacking a masterchef apron and a Nepali cookbook from my favourite chef I had hoped to own someday. I am going to start cooking regularly soon, I promised them. They even got me a colourful strap for my sling bag and a digital photoframe which they get to control from their phones and add pictures as per their moods. I loved that idea of connecting. Kat got me a pair of earphones I have been longing for since November now. All perfect perfect. After some chitchat and fun, we dozed off and woke up to Talitha bring me a stuffed bumble bee she hand knitted for me. How do people spend so much effort on others? Just how? It is now my favourite stuffed toy. Best part about my birthday celebration was it lingered on with another cake that Inaas baked and safely got for me through 10hrs of travel, some ceramic painting session we had, tattoo designing and just dance and cooking and all the sessions we had together over that long weekend. It’s always happy when Inaas her endless bag of love to give is around and when Rakshita and I are just fine. Having resolved some little grudges with Rakshita was a birthday present to count this year! The only right way to celebrate isn’t it? And for cherry on the top, we went to see my to be home and everyone loved every corner to bits and that was so validating!!! I even made space for a new mirror that some people went all the way to ikea after a tiring workday to get (hopefully out of love and not obligation).

Had an institute birthday party as well very recently and I must say the food and Rabih’s baby, Munia stole the show. Was a fun evening.

I am still trying to get over it. What hurt was Upasana forgetting my birthday and Mansi not making time for me. Felt like the end of an era- an era of a childhhood friendships! But happens right? That’s how Adulting works I guess.

Well, another year of celebrating experiences and people and lessons learned!

Hope you enjoyed reading about my birthday!

See you later again!

-B

[myeyestoyours]

So the day started foggy

I do think foggy days have a tad bit more character than bland cloudy days

But still, you can’t see what’s on the other end of the lane and watching people while waiting at a bus stop is my favourite job and I feel robbed of that on such days..

So yeah, I was in a mehh mood

Also, since the past few days, I’ve been spending quite some time at work, I get back late and tired but not real feeling accomplished or productive you know..

Half way through my day today, while some machine was doing its job, I looked outside so I could complain

To my surprise, the fog was clearing out and I could see blue sky, slowly slowly uncovering

Aaaah

And I decided to leave work early, in broad daylight… that’s almost cheating, i know but so is staying back late

So, I made a fair deal for myself and slipped out at 3pm

Came straight to the city centre and grabbed a Kumquat boba (which is basically muntala le banaako lemonade)

I knew exactly what I wanted to do on this rare bright day I stole for myself

I climbed the Peter’s church, which I have climbed several times knowing it’s not the easiest climb for me, but I really wanted this today

I loved the workout

And being in top is sooo worth it!!!!

I will attach pictures for you to seee

I stayed there drinking my lemonade staring at my beloved Munich

And smiling to myself

Then I got talking to this girl from Madrid,

I don’t know her name because we had an unsaid understanding that we don’t need to know names to talk

So I showed her all the important monuments from this panorama and I was so proud I knew so much!! Then we talked life and jokes a little. And she said “this guy at my hostel said ‘make use of the sun’ and i am from Spain, I’ve had enough of that” and i chuckled because woman had no clue what sun means to us

And at some point she left. I stayed watching the sun slowly sink, people taking pictures of it, selfies with it, some others just watching it with two differently colours sneakers on, talking about weekend plans as though the top of this church was their regular chitchat place

That’s all

I walked down later, and exited to a girl playing her violin .. was soo sooothing uuufff

Now I’m just at a café with an austrian chocolate cake and a cappuccino

And i am beyond delighted to share my day with you!!!

[myeyestoyours]

my dad’s blue scooter has to be one of my first memories of wheels,

i loved how with age, my location on the scooter kept changing

until we switched

i didn’t call it an upgrade because this change meant I had to give up on one of my favourite stories

A story with episodes and chapters and seasons

But no ending

On cold winter evenings,

i remember sitting on this blue two-wheeler

I’d hug dad from behind, „hold me tight“ he’d say,

I would put my cold hands in his jacket pockets

And that’s how I’d get myself ready for picking up my conversations with the moon right where we left

While I’d tell the moon stories, we would also be racing alongside

I strongly believed she was competing with me

Either that or that she followed me,

only me in this vast universe

Because she liked me and because I was her only friend

I never stopped and asked myself „why would the moon want to go to my aunt’s place with me?“

We shared a bond, I saw her in phases and she saw me in mine

She was among the few who lent me some ears

And one day the beautiful blue scooter was replaced

Or maybe i just grew up and science spoilt the fun

All the fun that I could have with moon and her twinkling friends

All the stories that I would stretch and dramatise and link

All the conversations and some kind of dialogues I had with her

All gone

With my dad’s blue scooter.

[myeyestoyours]

I was listening to a podcast today..

It was about “making friends in your 20s”.

Was just all things right, everything I probably needed to hear..

Do I lie when I say “feelings over everything else”?

Because today when Jemma said, friendships are based on convenience and similarities..

Classmates become friends because there are just so many shared experiences, similar bodily changes while growing up, similar thought process because they just live the same life we do for 8hours a day, 5 days a week and for just years altogether. Neighbours become friends because hey, there’s possibility to share, narrate, in details, as precise and projected the details can be..

Friends we don’t meet everyday, we meet at regular intervals, for engaging in something mutually, an event, a hobby, just something to bond over.. isn’t that what connections are all about, just some similarity.

Something in you, that I have too and

something that I like, and it’s your vibe too?

But there has to be continuity, relevance, mutualism and most of all convenience.

Jemma said by the time we are in our 20s we change, we seek individuality, we gain personalities, we learn to make choices. And when this happens are bound to integrate with newer inclinations.. aren’t we? And on top of that, 20s is when we tend to look for partners, relationships and places where we invest a huge fraction of our time, attention and emotion..depriving the possibility to keep everyday-detail-kind of friendships unchanged. 20s is also when we move, for making a career, education, job, what not.. adding to the list of inconveniences. And once we move to a new place, we meet new people, resonate anew, find new vibes to sway, see them more regularly and very obviously share more experiences and conveniently bond over similarities.. So older and distant bonds do take on a lighter shade, and very often even fade. Jemma meant to say that it is normal and logical and that we’d feel less lonely if we put ourselves out there, made ourselves vulnerable, discoverable, just visible maybe.

I don’t know what this podcast made me feel honestly. Did the logic and clarity help me put away the bitterness I’d held about friendships that I left behind? Did she manage to motivate me to go out and meet people, bond over similarities and who knows, even end up being friends for many forthcoming walks of life..?

I don’t know

Maybe

Who knows

I’ll try out and let you know

Just wanted to share it here as of now

[myeyestoyours]

[myeyestoyours]

Dachau

I went to live the tiniest fraction of what prisoners in concentration camps went through during the Second World War, under the facade of training people for the benefit of the nation.

They were robbed of all their possessions and earnings when they came in and given old uncomfortable wrong-sized clothes in exchange. Clothes that barely served their purpose, especially in the cold.

They were being kept like bees in a hive: one too many for little space, and a tiny washroom to share among so many, filthy and unhygienic.

They’d drag their sick inmates and even the dead ones to this huge ground for long hours of “roll calls” among forty thousand people so that the extremely tiring hours weren’t longer because of the missing numbers.

They were given so little food that they had started plucking dandelions and gulping them down. For that little food, if the designated bowl hanging from their clothes is missing or, broken, that would be it, one chance lost, just like that. They’d have to slurp the soup fallen on the floor while serving.

Women were treated equally to men in terms of physical labour and when tired from these, they’d be physically harassed and about what mental brutality they faced, don’t even get me started. The kind of equality we did not ask for.

I want to ask, to them who didn’t die, to the thousands among the millions,

How many of them struggled for freedom, or woke up hopeful everyday? And how many accepted cruelty as fate and brutality as niche?

Because some did sit together to write poems and prose. Some did make music secretly and danced quietly. Some did draw, there even was a chessboard some sculpted together out of a bread knife. There were also these photographs of people stretching their heads from their beds, smiling, slightly. There must’ve been things they did to survive that were unaccounted for, stories that had no way of being retold, things that I failed to notice, or ones I am too overwhelmed to pen down. All I’m saying is it worse. Worse than what you can ever imagine. I just hope to be told someday that this was all unreal, staged for a movie and no one really went through what they did.

People would either die of hopelessness, hunger, infection due to bad hygiene, or denied healthcare. And if they’d manage to survive that, they’d be tortured to death, physically or mentally or for their worse fortunes, both ways.

People have watched their fellow friends collapse, their clothes ripped to reveal the flesh stick to the bones under their skin, them being thrown on top of a hundred lifeless others. Were people more grateful that it wasn’t them out there, rotting with a stench and being shoved into brick ovens like they were pizzas? Or was it more painful to see their own people- bonds they had from before their walk into this hell and bonds they made while getting by the painful everydays one at a time? How must’ve it felt being known by the color of your star badge, being called by a number tattooed on your arm or stitched on your shirts , and after death, being buried among thousands like you and not even having a gravestone of your own? How many days of denial must’ve the near-dear ones faced after they’d discover someone’s absence?

[myeyestoyours]

In the past so many years, I’ve realised how differently I grew up compared to many my age. Let me say us, me and my sister. Our parents started small. They made a paradise for us one step at a time and there were little expenses we compromised on while we walked towards this paradise, so we could spend on the journey and make the destination a wholesome experience…

Mom and Dad came from places and families where before their generation, education wasn’t much of a concept, and if it were, still less for women than for men. So they knew what they wanted from both their daughters- education and awareness. They held us back from anything that wouldn’t lead towards or distract us from that goal.

For the longest time, we didn’t have access to television or mp3 players as a source of entertainment in our lives. And when I say this, I’m talking about the days when internet was a privilege and Wifi didn’t even exist in our vocabulary. We didn’t grow up watching cartoons, western music, television series and shows and movies that most others enjoyed. Songs we knew were what played on local Nepali radio channels and public transportation. Hence, we never built up on an obsession and most of all the worldly awareness that wouldn’t come from books they made us mug up for school.

And belonging to a world that weighs Mathematics and Science more than any other subjects in the world, we weren’t allowed to read fictions or novels. We were told that newspapers and encyclopaedias were for us, and the rest was simply misleading and a mere distraction. We did get to borrow some books from the school library sometimes, when we didn’t have exams, or other school activities to cater to and that’s how we read up on a few tales and some Nancy Drew-Hardy Boys stories. While friends around me were calling themselves Potter-heads and their vocabularies and imaginations were exploring Roald Dahl, Salman Rushdie and Enid Blyton, we were simply finishing up our coursework and some play. And we wouldn’t complain. Why would we? We lived the happiest childhood that we still reminisce everyday! We didn’t even know the rest of us had several elements in their lives that we didn’t. We were satisfied, content, very very happy.

The cousins we had around were either 20-30 years older to us and married or very far away to influence us in anyway. And the elders, they were giving us access to the best they knew!

We didn’t know bands, we didn’t know brands, we didn’t know politics around the world, we didn’t know opportunities and we didn’t even know 80% of the professions that one could choose among. Less aware and with very different goals, we happily grew up. We knew what our books taught us and we knew we needed to excel in those.

Why I’m writing this today is because I’m still made to feel how much I lag behind because I am not able to relate to the craze, obsession, and conversations people have. And my childhood reflects on my habits today; I cannot obsess over a show or series or band or threads even today, even if I know enough, watch something everyday from start to the end… I just can’t. And I don’t understand what’s wrong. Its in my build. Agree or not, understand or don’t, that’s what it is! And I do feel bad when I’m excluded or looked away from or looked at with a shock, or awe or disgust if things as such come up.

I don’t like to be told indirectly that I didn’t have a childhood sufficient enough because it differs from theirs. I just want to ask people, tell me one instance, just one, when you told me about something you loved as you grew up, something you admired then or now and I appeared uninterested?

Tell me if you told me something I don’t know about and I didn’t project curiosity? A book? A movie, a series, a show? A musical band? Your childhood stories ? Facts about the world? Politics? Religion? Anything at all? Ever? Tell me? Please.

I notice how uncomfortable it makes me around my own people, to know less, about everything. Also, thank you Inaas, for always subtly educating me, and never making me feel different. I appreciate it. Especially on days, I am made to feel like a misfit.

[myeyestoyours]

My day was fine

Woke up and polished Daddy’s shoes

He doesn’t ask anyone to do his chores, and if we volunteer, he insists that we don’t

But I wanted to

It is a tiny thing, takes barely 5 minutes, but I wanted to

I’ve been so far away for so long you know, my family has learnt their way around that fact

And as much as I’m happy they have a complete world of their own, I do wish I could do more, be more present, physically, do more things for them, things that directly impacts their lives, makes their everyday easier. I’m their elder child and oh what luxury I live in!

But there’s a million little things that they compromise with, things that aren’t huge inconvenience for them, but it pains to notice. That one furniture in Dad’s clinic that casts an impression slightly low of the place. That one favourite sweater of mom that someone never returned and she doesn’t bother finding another. A driver that Dad’s back pain deserves but he says he cannot afford. A someone mom needs to organise her schedule of the day and share the load so she can have less pain in her knees. A few subsequent nights of good sound undisturbed sleep at a stretch.

Ugghhhh

I want them to just get a life they deserve

Where they’re not serving anyone

Where they don’t have to care about the bread, safety, chores, people, formalities, documentations, bills, demands. I see my parents aging and oh how much that pains! Why didn’t I choose to be an engineer who’d secure a fine paying job by now. Why didn’t I choose to stay around home so they’d save up on the lavish expenditures of my life abroad. Uggghhhh

People call my parents reminding them that I am of age. I must be. I am perhaps being watched being the next unmarried girl in the house but also that adds to my parents worry. Reminds them of the societal responsibility of theirs and burdens their shoulders and heart even more. What worries me meanwhile is how I am “of age” but not yet able to contribute towards my parents needs (comfort and luxuries being a far fetched dream on my behalf).

[myeyestoyours]

I saw a mother speak for her kid, while an old lady said something mean to him

And then give him a gentle pat on his head and pulling him closer to herself

Another kid managing to engage with two other kids he didn’t know

They didn’t speak to each other. They simply impressed each other with somersaults in the train and some pole climbing business

I saw the same kids entertaining themselves later from a lady’s source of entertainment she was watching on her phone

I saw a guy lift his girl and her face light up as though he had lifted her mood all together

I saw another guy rest his head on his girl’s shoulders while she read her book

I saw a lady smartly dressed in all shades of blue, looking drained but the music in her ears were so loud and they had the beats I could dance to then and therel

I saw a kid trying to reach the railing of an escalator like other adults around him did.

A girl looked as if she’s walked out of a Beth McCarthy music video: she was touching the leaves of the bushes as she passed by

Her magenta headphones on, her bell bottoms almost sweeping the ground, and her, just busy humming, uncared of the world around her, looking so comfortable in her fluffy looking jacket

I saw a father holding the balloon while the daughter tied her laces

I found a beautiful flower lying on the road

Teenage school kids helping eack other with bag

Saying bye

I saw a girl watching a movie while she waited for her spa appointment

I saw a man who had purple written all over him: his shoes, his cap, his sweatshirt

I saw another man reading in the metro. Didn’t notice what. Noticed the crinkled pants, the smart jacket with loose threads on the end, a very cozy totebag he hung by his arms.

I saw two little girls order themselves Icecream.

I saw a man eagerly fix his face mask when he saw his bus approach the bus stop.

And while waiting at the doctor’s, I found myself mindlessly drawing with crayons at the back of a torn piece of paper lying there. I remember when I went to school first, and I was asked to draw tree.. I drew a bark and a few branches and as many leaves as I could add. That’s what I understood when they said tree. I didn’t know they were looking forward to see a brown stick holding a green cloud that most of my classmates had gotten right! I found myself replicating that at one point. And i didn’t make the sky conventionally blue, nor did I place the sun at the topmost corner of my drawing. No hills, no waterfalls, no river, no flowers, no people. Just something that came effortlessly while I waited.

That was all I guess

#mother #metro #people #kids #childhood #friendships #words #thoughts #writers on tumblr #aesthetic #drawing #crayon #headphones #music #colours #purple #blue #flower #balloons #ice cream #sky #sunset #trees #leaves #water #soothing #metaphor #flowers #company

[myeyestoyours]

Here to talk about seconds today.

First of all,

why do seconds share their name with what comes after first

And gosh how long can seconds be

When my hand could barely move, holding a mere ball for 30 seconds was a task

When I’m getting late the 52 second countdown on the centrifuge makes me impatient

And some other times

A million seconds pass by and I don’t even notice

#seconds #time #slow #long #writers on tumblr #thoughts #words

[myeyestoyours]

This one is just to let it be known that I love Chandeliers. The idea of a tiny light actually illuminating an entire room by reflecting through a million crystals. So wholesome in itself!

These are pictures from the Munich Residence we just visited. King Ludwig Maximillian’s creative outcome and ofcourse the luxury we can never possibly dream of. But oh, if one had to travel a mile to reach the dining hall from the bedroom via a dozen meeting halls and staircases, I’m happier living in one room with the kitchen next to my bed.

And oh this picture below here. Another room with Chandelier and HARPS. Of just so many sizes. I want to own a music room of my own someday. With a few instruments I know how to play and many others that I don’t but I’d just sit and try striking a tune through the strings or do the most nonrhythmic taps and pats on some surfaces or try pressing one key at a time to understand the differences and simply feel good.

Ah well. Dreams though!

#dreams #luxury #chandeliers #light #story #trip #visit #palace #queen #thoughts #words #photographers on tumblr #photography #life #gold #music #harp

[myeyestoyours]

Mansi is home again. For a while before she leaves for College. She was in Kathmandu for VISA and work related stuff. She keeps telling me how happy she is being home. She says she had missed this and this time more than a year of being in the home country atleast was still not enough. And how she’s gonna miss home again. My heart is all crumbly right now. I don’t know what is feels like to miss home. I mean. I do have fond memories of being home like it was my place to stay. But in the past so many years I’ve stayed home feeling like everything was temporary. I controlled my anger against things I’d normally react irritably because “I don’t want to spoil the little time I’ve got”, I haven’t been lazy like I used to be in my teenage because “every minute is precious. go spend time helping mom, talking to dad”. I love those but let’s be honest here, when home was home, I didn’t spend time doing anything for anyone. I did sometimes but mostly, I was just me, not in any kind of haste to live 20 years in 20 days.

Going home is this roller coaster of emotions. It is feeling “I wish I just lived here.” And “I don’t belong here anymore” all at once. Nothing revolved around me anyway even then. But atleast I revolved with them wherever they were going. Now, I don’t. I watch them just have their days and nights just fine with or without me. They love me and I love them and ofcourse all of us are happy when we’re together but this love is different and more evident than it was when we didn’t know there’ll be days where the counts will change. Now we do. Mom and Dad and Baini try to make all those of my favourite things happen in whatever span of time I’m there. But wasn’t home about coming home from school and sniffing around from the entrance itself to guess what’s on the menu and to jump if it was one of those favourites! Half the fun is just gone when you just know what’s cooking even though it is exclusively for you. I’m not complaining. I really appreciate all that. I mean, its my opportunity to stuff in all the little joys and love and memories so that when I’m away, I can unpack these one at a time and compensate on the void I have among million people around me doing a million different things. I’m just saying, that’s how it works now. I don’t really miss home or anything in particular. I just smile thinking about it and know it isn’t ever going to be the same. But hey, nothing for nobody is ever the same with time passing. I’m no exception, well. I do have days though where I think of home as a possible escape. Like, “I just want to pause all this and be at home, with mom and dad and baini” but I probably consider home to be “a place where I’m free of thoughts and responsibilities and to-do lists and stuff like that.” But let’s face it, after a point in life, you can’t possibly be in a place where are like that. Atleast not if you’ve chosen BASIC SCIENCE and that too RESEARCH for a career.

Mansi casually just said “when I’m away, I am going to miss home so terribly again and I will just be sad and sit somewhere and write and make me books and shows out of that”. Wow. Imagine that life. I was telling Mansi how being an Artist comes with this HUGE advantage of being able to feel and work both at once. You can feel for a creation, you can create art out of emotions. Even if you’re on vacation, you could be simply gathering content for your career. In science, you segregate. You choose either to work or to feel. Even to feel for the work, you have to stop working. And if you can prioritize, which I unfortunately cannot, you’ll not spend time complaining like I do.

No, who’s complaining? Not me. Absolutely not.

#writers on tumblr #thoughts #words #home #homesick #aesthetic #science #art #concept #myth #missing #family #love #company #feelings