#'here's the 10 most recent posts and after those we are going on a time-travel trip :) 2016? sure! 2021? why not! :) :)'

[true-blue-sonic]

one day i’m gonna go through all your espilver posts and categorize them by things like fluff or angst so i know what to look for when in specific moods 👌

Good luck with that, I have many! Tumblr unfortunately is absolutely garbage when it comes to searching any posts, so finding anything back is very hard😭 But I hope you have fun while doing so! ^-^

#is it just me or is Tumblr's search function on blogs really just like #'here's the 10 most recent posts and after those we are going on a time-travel trip :) 2016? sure! 2021? why not! :) :)' #'what‚ you wanted a post from last thursday that you are sure‚ 100% sure‚ you tagged with this phrase? get fucked lmao' #it doesn't *help* with finding your stuff back lol

[ihni]

First Lines of 10 Fics Game

Rules: share the first lines of 10 of your most recent fanfics and then tag 10 people. If you have written less than 10 fics, don’t be shy and share anyways :)

I was tagged by @writerwhowritesao3, @strangerqueerthings, @harringroveera and @dragonflylady77 (thank you guys! Sorry I'm so slow)

(And I'm going with "the first lines", plural, like @writerwhowritesao3 did, because it's more fun. For me.)

1. Taking Notes (Harringrove bodyswap, WIP - but finished, just gotta read through the chapters before posting)

When it happened, it happened out of the blue. One second, Steve was carrying a plate of lukewarm leftovers from the kitchen and into the living room – where he had planned to spend the rest of his Friday night lounging in front of the TV – and the next, he was lying on his back on a lumpy bed and staring up at the cracks in the ceiling. There might have been a brief flash of white, but if there was, it was gone instantaneously.

He blinked.

Cracks in the ceiling. Actually, cracks in an unfamiliar ceiling.

2. Tumblr ficlets (Harringrove so far, short one-shots)

The hospital room is surprisingly cozy, for a hospital room. The walls aren’t white, but a light green. There’s a small plant in a pot on the windowsill, and a pile of newspapers on the table by the wall. One of them is open on the crossword page. It’s only half done, a pencil lying on the page, forgotten, as if whoever tried to solve it gave up halfway through.

There’s a chequered blanket on the bed, and an unmoving man lying under it. He’s been there for a long time. The nurses haven’t mentioned the blanket, or the newspapers, or the plant. They know not to fight a dying man’s family on the little things that might bring them comfort.

And the man in the bed is dying.

Neil Hargrove is dying.

3. Patience (Billy-centric, Flo POV, oneshot)

Flo ran out of patience twenty years ago.

For eighteen of those years, she’s been working for Hawkins’ Police Department. People have come and gone during her time here, but she has remained, through thick and thin.

Besides Flo, Jim is the one who has been here the longest, with his five years. Calvin came in a year later, and Phil only started two years ago when his family moved to Hawkins from Montana.

This means that Flo has been here longer than the three of them combined, which gives her seniority. Sure, on paper they all outrank her, but in reality, she is the one who keeps things running around here and they wouldn’t dare cross her. They all know that Flo has no patience for bullshit.

4. Here we are (Mungrove, last part of a loose series)

Eddie never thought he’d end up here; in California of all places. While many of his classmates had often talked about going to live at the sunny coast, he’d never dreamed of going. Had never felt the need to see the ocean or frolic in the sun. Back when he used to plan his campaigns for game night, he always had his head in the clouds, but when it came to real life, he hadn’t ever dreamt that big. Sure, he’d entertained the thought of someday making it; becoming one of the great musicians of his time and get to travel the world … and yes, maybe California had been a part of that, vaguely. But he’d never actually thought he’d make it out of Indiana.

5. Where do we go from here (Mungrove, same series as above)

After coming back from Darktown, Billy can’t sleep. It’s a problem.

It’s not surprising, that he can’t sleep. He’s being kept in a lab he doesn’t know the whereabouts of, having samples taken with or without his consent, and having to submit to various testing on the daily. All of those are perfectly good reasons for a person not to be able to sleep. But Billy has slept a wall away from monsters, both the literal and the figurative kind. He’s slept next to certain death. The lab is not the reason why he can’t sleep.

No, the reason why he can’t sleep – and the reason why it’s a problem – is Eddie.

6. A piece of meaning on your skin (Harringrove, oneshot)

“This is stupid,” Steve said, because it was. It was monumentally stupid. “We shouldn’t be here. None of us really won the bet anyway so we shouldn’t have to do this!”

“Correction,” Billy said, not looking up from the folder he was leafing through. “Both of us were right, which means that both of us won the bet, which means that we’re both going to get our prize.” He held up a picture of a stylized snake that was wrapped around a sword. “What do you think of this one?”

Steve groaned. “I hate it. Billy, please. My mom will kill me.”

7. Love in the ER (Harringrove first meeting, oneshot)

It was a busy night in the Hawkins’ Memorial emergency room, which meant that the waiting room was almost full. Almost half of the people there had been guests at the Wellingtons’ wedding where they had been served bad shrimp (two of them had thought to bring their own puke buckets, and the rest took turns running to and from the only bathroom). Then there was an old couple, a drunk man with a nail through his hand (and the wife who kept berating him under her breath) a mother with a sleeping toddler and a sweaty eight-year-old, and four teenagers.

Robin, who was – unfortunately – one of these teenagers, could think of about eighty-four things she would rather be doing than accompanying her friend to the ER after having a reaction to his new allergy medicine.

“’obin?”

She rolled her eyes and tried to tell herself it wasn’t his fault. “Yes, dingus?”

“I wow yo.”

“I know."

8. Mr. Peterson next door (Harringrove, one-shot)

Billy was already waiting by the mailbox when the postman came. It was the third day in a row he was standing there, and today the mailman just raised his eyebrows as he handed Billy a small stack of envelopes. Billy didn’t do more than grunt in thanks before he started rifling through the letters. There were bills addressed to his dad, one letter that looked like an offer to start a magazine subscription for Susan – and nothing for Billy. As usual.

“Fuck,” he said under his breath and went inside to prepare for work. He was alone in the house – Neil and Susan had left for work already and since it was summer, Max was already out, hanging with her friends. Billy worked the late shift at the pool this week, which was why he had time to wait by the mailbox. And after that, by the phone.

At five to eleven, the phone rang, just like he knew it would.

9. Over the edge (Harringrove, oneshot, one of my own personal faves, I had so much fun with this! :D)

“This is going to be so awesome!”

Billy rolled his eyes from behind his aviators and glanced over into the backseat, where Lucas, Max and Dustin were seated, and where Dustin was visibly about to vibrate through his seatbelt in excitement.

“Chill, kid,” Billy said and put his boot up on the dash. “We’re literally going to spend a weekend in some cabins in the middle of nowhere. I don’t get what the fuck is going to be so awesome about that.”

“Feet off the dash,” Steve said, without taking his eyes off the dirt road they were on. Billy left his foot where it was for a couple of seconds, until Steve slapped at his knee and the car swerved a little. Billy reluctantly put his foot down.

The kids tittered excitedly in the back seat.

“What?” Billy growled.

“You don’t have to be such a grump!” Max said, rolling her eyes. “We’re here to have fun! Everyone else is looking forward to this!”

“Well, everyone else fucking chose to be here."

10. Sharing clothes (Harringrove, oneshot)

Neil Hargrove up and left his wife and his wife’s daughter four months after his son died in the mall fire. Three months before that, though, he emptied out his son’s room and got rid of his belongings.

Steve only found out about it because Max was upset and told the Party about it. She said that she had pilfered some things away but that Neil was hell-bent on clearing out Billy’s room and wouldn’t listen to her pleas. So they all rallied, and about an hour after Neil had put all of Billy’s things in boxes and donated them to Goodwill, they were there, sweet-talking the staff into letting them go through the new arrivals. Max got some of it back simply by looking tearful and explaining the situation to the lady behind the counter, and the rest of them chipped in (Steve, most of all) to pay for and salvage the rest.

They brought the boxes to Steve’s house – Max couldn’t very well bring back Billy’s things to the house on Cherry Lane, and Steve had the space to store them.

He put them along the wall in the guest bedroom that no one ever slept in, and tried to forget about them.

~~~

Now, when that's over and done with, I'm tagging ... (and listen, I don't care if you've done this before; if you have, then pick the NEXT ten on your list, or do a random quote from your fics instead of the first couple of lines, I don't care!): @lazybakerart @mikajupiterjonesingtimcurryfeet @platypanthewriter @callieb @billyharringson (I know for SURE you've done this before, but eh, you have lots of fics to choose from!), @bentnotbroken1fanfiction @peaceheather @missroserose @mourntheantagonist and @keziahrainalso - and also if you got this far and I didn't tag you, consider yourself tagged! I've officially tagged you. I wanna see what you've done. Show me.

#tagging games #ihni writes

[vwritesawholelothm]

Ten Lines, Ten People

Rules: Share the first 10 lines of your 10 most recently posted fics, and then tag 10 people. I didn't go with exactly 10 lines since how much I should share felt different for each fic, but it's my post so whatever. And I went with 10 recent fics, not the 10 most recent fics due to the fact I'm in Multiamory March rn and that would mess stuff up.

I was tagged by the lovely @mad-elia, so go look at lilies entry first ^-^

“Almost everything you do is unsafe, Darling. At least you have an expert helping you, and a properly trained dragon.”

Bliss

“Oh my god, I forgot you guys are all way too Mormon. Did you not know gay people existed? I think the rest of them know gay people exist.” “No, I didn’t! What’s a gay?” “You, apparently, by how you’re all nervous about this.”

Viva la Gays, Right?

Sparrow, on the other hand, isn't as sweet. He'll only accept a flower if it's shot at him with an arrow, and he calls Daring a dork every time he tries to recite poetry. Instead, the way to his heart is through flattery.

Daring's Affections

“I hate America. Everyone has a gun and three Wasingtonians have threatened to shoot me because I’m on their property so far. That’s how I died the second time, I don’t need that!” “Jack,” Ianto said, voice level over the phone, “you sound American and you have dozens of guns. You do not get to make moral judgments here.” “I’m not making a moral judgment, I’m pointing out how annoying they are.” “Honey, you are also annoying.”

Vampire Hunter

Apple peers through the window, catching sight of a band. Almost all of them are girls, with one guy on the keyboard. He doesn’t catch her interest, though, as she’s too struck by how gorgeous the women in the band are. One has snow-like hair, interrupted by shocks of icy blue. Another one has matching white hair, but in a different style with streaks of pastel pink, matching her rebelliously torn skirt. There’s a girl with hot pink and red mixed into her brown hair, and a fiery, hungry-for-the-world expression plastered across her face. There’s one with a gentle smile, dawning baby blue and playing her instrument with her eyes closed, like she knows the song too intimately to look at it.

You Are Gonna Rock It, Apple! - Chapter 4: Rock Me To The Core

“I miss her, Apple.” “I’m sure.” “Is this what happens to everyone? Bones in the ground that no one thinks about? That get dug up a dozen times? Do we have no life after death?” “Philosophy is for when we’re at school, Raven.”

Ever After Hamlet - Act Five

As is often the case in stories like this, the hero only meets three challenges along her quest. The next figure she meets is her dear Sparrow. But he has obscured himself, his clothes replaced with those of a prisoner and the few items he has stolen. In addition, his time in the woods has changed him. His eyes have a darker look to them, and he’s far from the kept look of most noblemen. As for Cedar, she comes across as a miserable young man, her once perpetually happy face worn tired with grief and longing. Her eyes- those of a widow, while far too young for it to fit. With neither bringing a spark of familiarity to the other, they see each other as they would see any other figure in these woods. As a foe, to be disposed of.

Ballad 150

Good, Martha thinks. She’s no stranger to people getting melted to some degree– she’s seen some weird stuff during her interplanetary travels– but this time it’s deserved. They end up back at Martha’s flat. Kitty’s has been taken back by the landlord, so Martha says that Kitty can crash on her couch as long as she needs. Secretly, Martha hopes it’ll be a while. She hopes it might morph into forever, even, but that part is so secret that she herself doesn’t realize it. Plus, she and Kitty haven’t really solidified into a “something” yet. They’re more of an “almost” for now.

First Kiss

“Listen, you Sparrows and Bluejay have gotten on my nerves for the last time. Tonight you will be given a taste of your own medicine. Again, in trial by combat.” “This is stupid!” “Yeah, this is beep!” “Call it what you want. You all need to chill out.” “Wait,” a cat slinks forward, “are all of the ladies in the stands Cedar?” “Hey!” Bluejay chirps, “my girl is Woodpecker!” The cat defensively puts up his paws and hops backwards. Brooke sighs, “Yes, all of you somehow managed to pull your respective Cedars. How you managed it, I’ll never know.”

Into the Sparrowverse

Serena sits next to him, "You're still upset about that." "I am. But I talked through it with Greninja, and I'll be fine. I just have to ground myself next time I battle." Serena smiles, brushing some snow off of his hair. "You're a lot different from the guy who jumped off Clemont's gym." He shakes his head, "I jumped off a cliff while I was out there to save a Spewpa." "Hm. Maybe jumping off of things to save people is just a core part of who you are, then?"

A Slight Smile

Tagging! @thelivingmemegod @gender-snatched @calebs-hangout-corner @feline17ff @broadwaytheanimatedseries and uhhh @/anyone I don't remember any other URLs at the moment

#writing snips

[thebreakfastgenie]

Rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. If you have written fewer than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway.

Tagged by: @biromantic-nerd thank you!!!

1. Wake

BJ startled awake without screaming. He’d been doing it for so long now, he wasn’t sure he remembered how to scream. He held his terror close to his chest; learned to breathe through the panic without waking the people sleeping six feet away from him. 

(Little post-war BJ one shot that languished on my computer for weeks before I realized I liked it.)

2. Wonderful

There’s a brass bell on the door above the Island Tavern that jingles when it opens, alerting staff and patrons alike to the newest arrival. He pauses under the frame, not yet ready to announce his presence. He can see the through the window—they beat him here, which is a little embarrassing considering how much farther they had to travel—already seated around a circular, white-clothed table, set with glasses of water and laminated menus.

(My take on BJ crossing the country, from Hawkeye's POV.)

3. Six More Weeks

“Attention all personnel: Come one, come all to the first—and hopefully the last—annual 4077th Groundhog Day feast. Join us in the compound to find out if we’re going to have six more weeks of winter!” The speaker shivered. “I sure hope not. Betting closes at 072 hours, so don’t be late!”

(The M*A*S*H Groundhog Day episode we deserved.)

4. hills like white elephants

“And the winner is…” Hawkeye drops off, as if he's no longer comfortable with the joke, and that alone tells her the answer. 

(The M*A*S*H abortion fic! If I were a male M*A*S*H writer this would be called Hot Lips Gets an Abortion but I stole from Hemingway instead.)

5. Downpour

Outside, the rain had stopped, but inside the water dripped from the canvas ceiling right onto the red-and-white-checkered picnic blanket.

(Little one shot set after Deluge. Marked "author chose not to use archive warnings," please heed.)

6. Four Days

The light in Toby’s office is on. It all makes sense now, Toby’s promise to be here. He wishes it didn’t. He doesn’t bother going back to his own office; he doesn’t bother knocking. Toby is waiting for him. 

(The aftermath of Josh finding out about Bartlet's MS, because I wanted to see it. Josh and Toby conversation with a bit of Hoynes agenda so possibly the most me a West Wing fic could be.)

7. safe travels

Hawkeye sleeps through breakfast. He stumbles into the mess tent barely in time for lunch and tries hard not to fall asleep in his liver. He’s been served liver four times this week, but he doesn’t have it in him to complain, not when he’s grateful to be eating anything at all. 

(What I think could have happened after The Best of Enemies. Emphasis on Hawkeye and BJ.)

8. the play's the thing

He sees the poster on the common, tacked to a bulletin board. Open auditions. A day and time. He doesn’t know why he goes. It’s not like he doesn’t have enough to do.

(Hamlet fic! Hawkeye was telling the truth about playing Hamlet and I'll die on that hill.)

9. Campfire

When he’s eleven, his parents decide he’s old enough for summer camp. Joanie went when she was eleven, though they leave that part unspoken.

(West Wing fic about summer camp, grieving as a child, and telling people about your childhood trauma. One of my personal favorites still.)

10. The Emergency Room

Josh didn’t remember getting in the car. He certainly didn’t remember Donna taking his car keys. But here he was, strapped in the passenger seat, watching the lights turn blurry through the fogged up windows. 

(I consider this my best work so far. For those of you who know The West Wing, it's the story of Donna taking Josh to the emergency room after Noël. For those of you who don't, it's about coming to terms with a PTSD diagnosis.)

This was so fun!! Tagging:

@onekisstotakewithme @holy-ships-x-red-lips @miabicicletta @hondagirll @youngpettyqueen @majorbaby @variousqueerthings @genderqueer-klinger @saltyfilmmajor @yrbeecharmer

I was just trying to remember who had fics posted but if anyone I didn't tag wants to do it please feel free and tag me so I see it!!

#i skipped one fic because it's not complete (it's on hiatus not abandoned)

[radikylie]

Journal entry 5 million years later

Wow. It’s been well over a year and a half since I posted anything super personal and probably close to two years since being active on here. It has been a rollercoaster. In November 2021, I accepted a job at a university in the state where my love lived. After my graduate assistantship ended in 2020, it took me a year and a half to find a full-time job because of Covid. I applied to nearly 100 jobs and only heard back from maybe 10% of those jobs. And then I had exactly 3 and a half weeks to move my entire life across the country and move into an apartment with my then long-distance girlfriend when I was offered a job at a mid-size university.

Sometimes my life still doesn’t feel real. I’ve been so happy to be with my Emily and our quirky little sweet cat, but navigating life as an adult in this clown world has been extremely hard. I still can’t believe I live in fucking North Dakota. Our first two winters here have been the most brutal I have ever experienced. Boy, I thought I had SAD when I lived on the east coast but it sure is worse here. We hate living in a red state, but at least we live in the biggest city that is the most progressive.

My job as an admission counselor has been rewarding, difficult, draining, fun, and now mixed with frustration and disappointment. Our education system is a complete dumpster fire. Our incoming students and current students are having mental health crises every fucking day. It tears me apart sometimes to think that I am promising students a future I can’t guarantee with how the world is right now and where it’s going. In a week of traveling, I can drive over a thousand miles and spend over 30 hours in a car. There are high expectations and pressure to bring in first-year students because they are the true cash cows and there’s been a national decrease in enrollment across all institutions. The people I work with have been genuinely great people and are the best parts of the job sometimes. But the pay is absolute shit, and that coupled with rising greedflation and my outrageous private student loan debt feels like it’s crushing me. I don’t know how much longer I can take.

I recently applied for another job within my office that pays 10k more, and I know deserve something insanely better, but it would have been a good transition point and actually allow me to save money to move, and to get an EdTech job that is remote. I was denied this new job, the other candidate had “years of direct marketing experience” where I didn’t, but I had almost 2 years of experience in my office. I’ve shown them consistently that I have strong project management skills and organization for handling all of the texting/calling campaigns we do for students which was another part of this new job. It was handling all of the communications for print/emails (project management) and the job description didn’t even place a strong emphasis on design or marketing. But that’s what they went for in the other candidate. A white man. He wore a fucking flannel to the interview. If he didn’t have an awesome portfolio to present and he doesn’t bring the “wow” factor to this job, I’m going to be even more pissed.

And you know what also makes me mad. Last year around this time, we were actively hiring for another admission counselor position, and I was on that search committee. We were down to two choices, someone with 14 years of experience, and another person who interviewed so strongly but only had previous tour guide experience in terms of higher ed experience. We asked our supervisor if we could choose the person with less experience and she said that she would support that. We offered the position to the person with less experience but they eventually declined because the salary was so low (which we did advertise the salary??). So for this position I wanted, why would they not elevate another person in their office who has worked so fucking hard and has gone above and beyond for this position, and knows this office and best practices. So why does years of direct of experience matter now?

I cried for like the whole day. People in my office were rooting for me to have this job. The woman who previously had this job, she came from my position before that and didn’t even have a master’s. I cried because I felt trapped in this job, mainly due to capitalism. I cried because I felt so betrayed and underestimated. My direct supervisor was the chair for the search committee, and I know she doesn’t want to lose me as a counselor. Our director told me that my supervisor “adores” me, and that I consistently come up in their conversations about how I do great work and I get shit done. My director said she was excited that I applied and hoped they chose me, so I went into my final interview feeling very confident because she had already met the other two candidates before me.

When my supervisor called me to tell me the news (she was a at a conference), she started out saying that she appreciated me so much and that the other candidate would let them go in another direction that they didn’t even know they could go. I couldn’t speak. My voice cracked and I said thank you for letting me know and we ended the conversation. She followed up with a message on Microsoft Teams saying she appreciated me again and would like to help me build my skills to get me a job in EdTech, which is what I ultimately want. And I wonder if this response is because I low-key indicated to my director (because she flat out asked me) if I would leave if I didn’t get this job and I said yes. I don’t think my supervisor realizes how immediate I want (more like need) to leave.

I went home early crying after spending the entire week, waiting for the call, with extreme brain pain (psychophysiological disorder) symptoms and upset stomach to where I couldn’t eat because I was so stressed. Essentially, my nervous system thinks I’m in “danger” when thinking about travel season so it sends me unpleasant physical symptoms, like nerve pain in my face and muscle aches and nausea to where it gets debilitating at times. And travel season is both Fall and Spring. This past spring, I had to drive on icy back roads to rural parts of ND where my phone service does not work at times and once my tire starting leaking because it had a screw in it. I had a lowkey panic attack because I didn’t know what to do and needed to go to small town (population of 207) to get it patched. I was raped on a back road in a car with a man I thought I could trust when I was 20 so being out in the middle of nowhere gives me so much fucking anxiety. I’m stressed at the thought of college fairs starting in less than 2 months.

Stressed because I can’t do this fucking job anymore. The thought of being in this job for another travel season, like 6 weeks or more on and off of traveling start mid-September through November. And what’s worse is that we get “reimbursed” for our meals that we are out on the road but because North Dakota is North Dakota, I only get reimbursed up to $35 dollars a day meanwhile my coworkers traveling within MN can get up to $70 per day. So, when I travel, I have to be as frugal as possible and still lose money because I only get $6.50 for breakfast (unless I’m at a hotel and they have breakfast), 10.50 for lunch, and 17.50 for dinner. It was fine when I first started out but because of greedflation, it’s so much harder.

My student loan payments are like $700 dollars a month, and even though I have three fucking degrees, I’m stuck at an entry level pay despite having an MS degree. The pay across campus is abysmal. The pay for people with advance degrees is absolute shit. They advertised a mental health counselor position here which required a master’s or above and a license in counseling or social work for 43k. Like WHAT. That is what was offered to me when I started. I can’t save money long-term to get out of this fucking state, and we can’t even pay to go on a mini-vacation for a weekend trip. I had to tell my best friend from high school that I couldn’t go to her very fancy wedding on Cape Cod because there’s no way I can even save for myself. And I don’t think she will ever understand what its like to financially struggle and it feels like she lowkey resents me for it, and it makes me feel alone knowing she could never understand since both her and her husband come from a family with money. I worry she thinks I am just dumb as hell and not responsible with money but I can’t save for fucking anything. 

And my god, it could be so much worse. I know this, and am grateful for what we do have but it feels like we have very little to look forward to, and we pretty much can only spend what we need and not for things we want long-term. My family was exactly middle-class and moved into upper-middle class by the time I was in late high school, so it’s brought me more perspective. We are what they call “new poor” - we are one unexpected medical bill/car repair bill away from financial insecurity. I never had to worry about things like this before, I grew up blessed, and I know this. I try to give what I can when I can to my community and family and friends in need.

I tried to pick up a second job at really, really cool brewery but the shifts are so long (6-8 hours) and I sprained my knee on the job which led to my entire back seizing up two days before my birthday a few months ago. The worst birthday I’ve ever experienced. When my back spasmed, I couldn’t walk for three days. I cried the entire time almost. The first day it happened I screamed in pain with every little movement, like so much so Emily worried the cops would be called. Emily had to do everything for me – help me shower, eat, go the bathroom and she cared for me so well. I am so blessed and lucky to have her. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I had to go back to physical therapy and that was expensive also because health insurance is a fucking scam. It took me about a month to get to 60% okay.

I couldn’t work at the brewery for months and the money from there was so good because it’s an insanely huge operation so now I’m back in the same position now, and don’t know if I can physically keep up with the work. They work their employees so hard, not in a bad way necessarily, it’s just the nature of it because it’s in the top 10 breweries on untapped or whatever. I don’t think I can physically handle more than one or two shifts a month, but I’m afraid to work a whole shift again.

My health is not great. My desk job already has me gaining weight paired with PCOS that feels like it’s out of control, and my body hurts from sitting all day. My face is constantly breaking out from hormonal acne, I’m sure it’s been from all the stress I’ve been under too, but also because everything in this fucking world is harmful to us in one way or another. I’m not at the highest weight I’ve ever been but close to 20 pounds extra since I moved here. Its just so hard to find time and energy to workout because I have so little of both. Especially when I’m traveling, and it’s harder because the cheapest food when I’m out on the road is fast food so there’s not a lot of options to be healthy, especially in fucking ND. I think the only healthy/salad bowl kind of place is in the city we are in and the capital of ND and that’s it lol and its also more expensive. Driving for hours and hours is so exhausting. So. my mental health and self-image have been suffering from all of that too.  

But it feels like we are stuck in this city that is filled with terrible drivers and roads, and these brutal winters. The winters wouldn’t be so bad if the city actually maintained the roads better but every other week it feels like we are risking our lives to go to fucking work. I’ve had to drive through blizzards when I’ve never had any winter driving experience before. I’ve had an entire panic attack/mental breakdown on the interstate here that was completely iced over for 75 miles and I needed to get to the other side of the state for a fucking career fair for work. There were cars in ditches, and another fucking blizzard on the way after receiving well over a foot of snow in some parts of ND. If we weren’t visiting Em’s parents in the same town, and if she didn’t take over and drive on the icy parts for me, we would have never made it. I would have been paralyzed in fear at a truck stop without her, and she really showed up for me that day.

Spring and Fall both lasted maybe 3 weeks before it was either hot or cold season which seems to be all that ND has. Spring used to be my favorite season, but here the flowers don’t bloom until late May and its just mud and rain. Its depressing as hell. At least the summers have been mild in comparison to the disgustingly humid summers MD/VA have. When we do get a few really humid/hot days everyone complains so much and its funny to me because that’s basically any day in the summer on the east coast. It wouldn’t be so bad if our apartment ac unit actually fucking cooled our apartment below 72 degrees on a consistent basis. When its extremely hot and humid here, our apartment has gone up to 79 degrees if we do any sort of cooking or baking. It takes days to cool down, even with extra fans.

The city we live in does have a cool community and lots awesome local businesses. That’s been a saving grace. They do a lot of farmer’s markets, vintage markets, community/mutual aid events. If the world ever completely collapsed (which I feel is inevitable), I would feel pretty safe here and secure knowing the community is full of genuine and resourceful people. It’s a very safe and cheap city to live in because nobody wants to live in these winters. But we have no real friends here. We have our work friends who are just that, and it’s incredibly disappointing. We are both introverts but crave deeper connections with others, even if its only a few. One of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn, and still learning, are that friends are like the seasons – they come and go.

I miss my family. I miss those summer days where I would wake up late, and my brother’s family would come over to swim. The dogs would be playing, and my niece and nephew being silly. My dad would grill and my mom would make a bunch of sides and we’d eat outside on the deck together. No plans except to go play a silly little video game by myself or with some people later that night after going for a walk or a run in my neighborhood in the woods. I miss sitting out in my driveway under the stars and trees with a good playlist, smoking a bowl, and reading about aliens. I miss my niece and nephew coming over every Tuesday and the house being so crazy with them but never a dull moment. I didn’t think I would miss that so much. My brothers can be assholes (my older brother more so), but it was nice when we were all getting along.

My relationship with my parents has gotten better as I’ve gotten older but they still can’t give me the emotional support that I need. Emily’s mom has been more emotionally supportive. My parents never ask me how I’m doing, just what I’m doing. I wish they would come visit me but I don’t think they ever will. They wouldn’t even fly me or Emily out for Christmas even though they have more than enough money to do so. They’ve been going on 10-day vacations in Jamaica at fucking Sandals, and doing weekend trips all over the east coast. But seeing me is not enough of a reason to fly here. 

They keep telling me how much they miss me and want me to move back but then don’t do anything to help me do that. They said they would help us move if I got a job on the east coast but don’t care that I’m drowning in student debt.  They disappoint me still and it feels like I have to grieve my relationship with them of what I need versus what they give me. It’s been that way my entire life. I know that they will never apologize for the things that they did while growing up. It’s a sad thing to come to terms with.

Another thing I have had to come to terms with is my purpose in this world, I guess. When I was 18, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to help people in some capacity. When I was 21, I had this grandiose idea and plans for how I could do that and save the world. When I was 24, I wanted to be a recreational therapist and create a holistic community center. When I was 25, I had started a master’s degree in Higher Education because I wanted to be a graduate assistant to a unique women’s college program within my university, which I worked hard to desperately create a safe space for young women, but the university didn’t give an actual shit about it. I didn’t think I would end up in higher education but here I am.

This is not where I expected myself to be at all, but I really did enjoy working with my students. So, I stayed in it. I finished my degree. And now I feel “stuck” in an education system that is very much a fucking dumpster fire. I’m feeling burnt out, I guess. It’s wrecking my mental and physical health. My nervous system is on high alert all the time, I think. I feel like I can never get enough time to actually rest and recover.

I’ve also had to re-evaluate my “purpose”. I’m an extremely spiritual person and have very much moved away from New Age completely but very interested in paganism or Mother Earth spirituality. I used to think that I had to have this grandiose purpose to change the world, but I recognize that the most important change comes from the self and extending that out to your community. Small acts of kindness can go a long way and encourage others to do the same, creating a chain reaction. But where exactly does that leave me?

Part of me wants to go to another university because of the “prestige” around it, but every institution has its own problems and is still within America’s education system that is a fucking shit show. I’m so concerned about how others see me sometimes, especially in professional sense. I felt like I was a late bloomer in all things because it took me 6 years to get my bachelor’s, but I also had a complete thyroidectomy after struggling with severe symptoms from it, and then being raped 3 months after the surgery. I was academically suspended for a year after my surgery and SA because my GPA was so low. There are so many people from that period of time who wrote me off as a dumb stoner and had no idea I was abusing weed because of trauma. Even my ex-girlfriend and her friends just thought I was a dumb stoner.

So, I guess I feel the need to “prove” that I am more than what they assumed me to be. I thought that I needed to be so career-driven to change the world and I am starting to understand that having that mindset is not a healthy way to live and will lead to self-destruction and burnout. I never thought I would hate my current job as much as I do. And I’m realizing that I don’t necessarily hate the work, but rather the expectations and circumstances surrounding it. I could stick out this job longer if I was paid more but it feels like I am running out of time to find something different before travel season starts again.

I’ve essentially quiet quit at this point. I feel like I have to detach myself from everyone because it hurts that I’m going to have to leave some of the people in my office, and I would go to bat for them at any time. I’ll be doing just above the bare minimum, and will not be volunteering as often to do extra things any more. A coworker of mine just got placed into her dream job and I’m so excited for her, but her leaving also gives us more work to cover. Another reason why I need to leave. And if I can leave before travel season, I feel a little guilty leaving during an important peak time, but they put me in this position. 

I can’t do it. I won’t if I don’t have to. And if September comes, and I am still searching for a job, I will do the college fairs with the goal of leaving before October. They could have given me the other position and I would have grown into it, and worked extremely hard to exceed their expectations and they could have arranged to have a new admission counselor in my position by the time college fair season started. But they made their choice. I need to make mine now.

But now I feel like I have to redefine what work means to me. Fuck the system. I can make my own path. I can change the world without a grandiose career. Its okay to just show up to work and then live your life. And so, I hope that my next job is in EdTech (and remote) that can give me financial freedom and security because that’s what it really all comes down to. I want a “lazy girl” job. A job that I feel good about and is not as emotionally/physically demanding so that I have the money to help others and do what I want. I just want to live a comfortable life, and one where I am not always worrying about money.

So, in order to get that, I think I need to release all of this. It’s been holding me back. I deserve a job that pays me well, and lets me live the life I want. A job that lets me help my friends and families, and give back to my community. I don’t have to bear the burden of being in a career that is glorified for how much you give and destroy yourself for it. I can’t imagine what k-12 teachers feel every day.

I think the next piece is letting go. Doing a trust fall for Mother Goddess to catch me and deliver me to my next opportunity. Trusting that the perfect job is on its way to me, and I won’t miss out on something that is for me. I deserve a job that gives me a better work-life balance. That I don’t feel like I am killing myself to survive. I have the money to live how I want, and all of the time and energy I have for other things is abundant.

I get so caught up worrying about making the right or wrong choice, or missing out on a job posting. I get caught up thinking that I’m not quite enough – I don’t have quite enough experience or direct experience or the right degrees. I get caught up with thinking about the cost of living in other states and what I can’t do or where we can’t move to. What if I’m meant to focus on the good, and all of the possibilities and different lives of Kylie. The possible exciting adventures in store for me.

Its reminiscent to how I felt when I couldn’t find a job after my graduate assistantship. I was stressing over every little thing. And then I finally just surrendered. That’s what it felt like after my huge disappointment with Bryn Mawr College and they decided not to hire me but not long after that I was offered my current job. And how I felt after running into my ex at a grocery store and having a panic attack and obsessing over how I’m going to meet my love and what I do or don’t do that could lead me to missing that connection. I eventually had to acknowledge and say that I surrender to the wonderful mystery that is the Universe. About two weeks of recognizing my need to let go of control, I met my Emily.

The catalyst this time is not getting this position within my office. It was a devastating disappointment. I’m still trying to reconcile that. But it has also opened me up to the fact that I do deserve something insanely better - better pay, better benefits, better work-life balance. I know my worth. And while I feel betrayed that I wasn’t picked for this position, I don’t need to punish myself or the people in my office for it. I do still feel a hint of resentment towards my supervisor, but she’ll understand the choice she made when I get offered my next job.

At first, I wanted to sulk. I wanted to quiet quit as loudly as possible. But now I see that I need to cherish my time with everyone. I want them to miss having me. I want to leave the office on good terms. But I want people to know that they lost my loyalty as well. I want people to think that they wish I was still there because of all the light and humor I brought. So. I will not be jumping at every opportunity to volunteer extra time and energy towards things. I will not be half-assing this job completely, but I will not be going above and beyond as often anymore either.

I am still incredibly sad and frustrated at this disappointment, but I see it was necessary and its time for me to move on, as scary as it seems. I will miss these people so much. So now I need to let go. Trust fall. Mother Goddess, A-team, I trust that the perfect job will find its way to me and will bring about the most exciting and best chapters of my life. Thank you for this.

#personal #holy shit this is by far the longest journal entry i have ever written on here #i have not been active in well over a year and a half p much #dont know if i will be again but i needed to post this for my own sanity #so hey if you remember me hi hope ur doing well #are people still really active on this idk i left bc the radfem community drama and life #anyway i wrote this at work otherwise i was going to lose my damn mind and according to word it is 4474 words and 6 pages so

[sistrrrenchantress]

6 Questions Tag Game

Thanks @dwellerinroots for the tag! I haven’t actually ever done one of these so here goes nothing.

1. Last Song?

Ughgh I think Malibu by Hole. I last listened to a podcast and I only use Spotify so I’m like 98% it was Malibu. Anyways I love that song. It’s hopeful and sad and when I was in high school I really wanted someone to whisk me away and we’d go live somewhere by the beach in like a van. You know like those kinda romantic, hazy dreams of van-life before you realize that it’s not realistic.

2. Last Show?

I was gonna say The Last of Us, but actually I watched Modern Family last night. TBH my partner likes TLoU a lot more than I do, but it’s got some scenes that melt my heart a bit. Anyways Modern Family always acts like a personal pick-me-up since it’s kinda nostalgic. Plus sometimes I wish my family was more like them. It also kinda helped me realize what wasn’t healthy about my own personal relationships and know that life goes on even if your family sucks sometimes so even if it’s a mess it kinda has helped me? Idk why I’m trying to explain myself here lmao. I had a class where everyone said it was problematic and I don’t want people thinking I agree with everything in the show or whatever.

3. Currently Watching?

I just finished watching Wakanda Forever so I think it counts since I started this before it ended lmao. Anyways I thought it was okay. Not good, but not terrible. But I also think it was closer to terrible than good. It just felt confused, like it didn’t know what message or arc Shuri was supposed to have so idk idk. I’m not a movie critic so… yeah

4. Currently Reading?

I’m still reading Hyperion. I know it’s been a month, but in my defense the blues have hit me like a truck and I’ve solely been focusing on keeping my GPA. I have one more short story left, which is the Consol’s. Also, I should’ve mentioned but it’s a collection of sci-fi short stories (Canterbury Tales style) taking place eons into the future after Earth has literally imploded. It follows a group of people brought together on a pilgrimage to travel to the mysterious Time Temple on the planet of Hyperion. There’s more but I really don’t wanna spoil anything for anyone who might want to read or was already planning. Anyways the priest’s tale is my absolute favorite, because I like it’s spooky vibe and other spoiler-filled reasons. However they’re all written really well and I would recommend this to just about everyone since I think it’s just a really fun read.

5. Current Obsession?

Oof I don’t really have one because I’ve been feeling down. However Cyberpunk 2077 was it for a while, then TES again, and I’m just floating now. Anyways I’m always interested in TES, the Witcher, Dragon Age, etc. It’s just not as intense as other people though. I feel kinda boring now. Well, at least I’ve been getting back into art and blender and messing around with trying to learn my father’s language again. And I love writing and creating generally so that’s really that.

6. Unrelated Stuff I’ve Been Doing?

I already talked about this a little I guess. I’m learning Polish again and watching more shows with the dub in Spanish so I don’t lose it since I just don’t talk to my family much anymore. I’ve been messing with blender and unreal engine. I re-started this art-schedule-thing that I got from a yt video. I really want to improve my digital art. I also have like 10 billion tabs open with videos on blender and unreal so maybe I’ll post what I’m working on one day. I kinda gave up on my NaNoWriMo because I’m too moody and I don’t know what’s wrong with my executive function but we haven’t been on the same page recently. However, listening to podcasts (like Unresolved Textual Tension or You’re Wrong About and Rotten Mango) has kinda helped my mood a little. But if I’m being real here, real life kinda takes up most of my time. So school (gotta love deciding for a dual degree really late in my undergrad) and all the volunteer/internship things I have to do kinda just take up most of my life. That’s a little depressing lmao, but it is what it is.

Anyways, thanks for the tag! I don’t feel like I’m active enough to tag anyone and I’m shy so anyone who sees and wants to do it, feel free.

[helianyx]

Genshin Impact Ask Game - Answered!

1. How long have you been playing?

Right around launch, like, I think a couple days after?  I've definitely taken a few breaks though. (Most of which I regret because- please rerun your damn events MHY.)

2. Why did you start playing?

K-Kaeya... Several months earlier my nephew told me about it and we were checking out the website and I went big ol' heart eyes and whoo my interest was piqued.

3. What is your AR?

I just hit 57 recently.

4. Who is your best character (build wise)?

Oof that's hard, because I am Not Smart when it comes to building. Zhongli and Kokomi are decently solid, so is Yae, but Xiao (newest) really got lucky with artifacts so I feel like he's got the most "concise", ‘doesn’t need a lot more tweaking’, build so far?

5. Who is your worst character (build wise)?

Zhongli also exists here. His crit rate to dmg ratio is awful. But otherwise, so many 4*’s that are just straight up neglected. Pretty much all of them except Alloy and Yun Jin are fully uncapped though. We'll go with Alloy.

6. Who is your highest leveled character?

Uhh... Zhongli, Albedo, Kokomi, Tartaglia, Xiao, Kazuha, Yae Miko, Yoimiya, Traveler, and Qiqi are all 90.

7. What character do you main?

Maining a single character is such a foreign concept to me. Probably? I imagine? because I don't really do a whole lot of coop beyond just playing with my bff and we're always rotating our teams around however we please/need. But the above listed characters are most likely to get picked + Ayato (who I'm working on and is at 80 rn).

8. What is your main team?

Same as above, it changes a lot. Zhongli, Kazuha, Albedo, and Kokomi is 'one' of my main teams, but right now I'm playing around with Xiao, Ayato, Yae Miko, and Qiqi - or I swap around any of those eight however I need.

9. What are your spiral abyss teams?

People actually do that? /j (I don’t do that /nj)

10. Who is your favorite character?

Impossible! Gosh so many... Zhongli, Albedo, Xiao, Kaeya, Yae Miko, Kokomi, Lumine are up there, and Kazuha is like... the definition of a 'comfort character' to me, he's just so soothing. If I'm idling around, it's him, or Albedo out on screen. That said, Zhongli's aesthetics, his looks, everything about him is just so charming... 😩 Yeah, him, Kazu, Xiao and Albedo are definitely at the top. (For not playable characters though, I love Dain! And I have a stupid amount of love for Xavier and Enjou.)

11. Who is your least favorite character?

Hm... From [current] playable characters, I really can't say. There are some I find a little annoying here or there, but it's usually something small like, I don't like their voice acting (RazorRazorRazorRazor). I can't stand Alice though. A lot of the concepts around her and snippets we’ve got so far bother me, but I'll try reserving judgment until she's actually in game.

12. What's your favorite part of the gameplay?

Exploration and everything that comes with it! Puzzles, treasure, staring off into the distance and going "gosh I can see [landmark from another country] from here!" Zigzagging between 'ooh what's that!' and 'ooh treasure!' and 'ooh challenge!' is so much fun exploring new areas. I also do enjoy like, 'new mechanics' that come with new areas...

13. What's your least favorite part of the gameplay?

But also 'new mechanics' that come with new areas. Even if I pretty much always get used to it and have fun, sometimes it's just A Lot. Also, Spiral Abyss can go die in a fire. Sick of so many cool events that could be added as extra permanent game modes being temporary.

14. What is your favorite cutscene?

They're all so good???? Right now the most recent one [2.7 with Xiao] lives rent free in my brain. But the post-Osial Liyue cutscene had me in such awe it’s unforgettable. Also that time Raiden Shogun almost cut Traveler's head off and Kazuha activated a second vision to save us? AUGH SO GOOD SO GOOD.

15. Who is a character you don't have but want?

EULA. I just realized now with Xiao she's the only character I REALLY want but don't have now. (I'd like Venti and Raiden but not as much as I NEED Miss Eula.)

16. Have you ever won a 50/50?

; ; yes! For a long time, the only 50/50 I won was Zhongli on his original banner and every time I lost after that I was just like "welp, I won ZHONGLI on 50/50 so I can't be too dissatisfied" (spoiler: i was, i worked my ass off for so many of these bitches 😩). But recently Ayato and Xiao both came on 50/50 too. 🥺<3<3<3

17. Who was the first character you pulled?

Other than the "promoted" Noelle, Ningguang <3

18. Who was your first 5 star character?

Diluc!

19. If you're currently saving to pull for someone, who?

The rumored Su-inspired character... Or Baizhu... Characters that are very far off. I'm suffering from gambling addiction want-to-use-my-primos-itis.

20. Do you prefer Mondstadt, Liyue, or Inazuma?

I think about this (amusingly) quite a lot when playing. They're all charming in their different ways... Mondstadt was where the adventure first began, and it's so idyllic and peaceful. It's PROBABLY my most preferred just on account of it being where I always go for this and that, or just to idle around at times. But Liyue isn't slouching here: I remember when traveling in Liyue, when something pulled us back to Mondstadt, I'd be like "Home<3<3<3" but just the same, when traveling in Inazuma, when something pulled us back to Liyue, I'd also be like "Home<3<3<3" X'D

On the other hand, Inazuma... is beautiful, but it doesn't invoke those kinds of feelings for me (we'll have to see how I feel once Sumeru drops XD). Instead there's just so much depth and SADNESS everywhere, which I appreciate a lot in it's own right. I'd say of the three, Inazuma is possibly the most "memorable"? At least in terms of like... pretty much everywhere I go there, all of these bittersweet memories from the questlines bubble up.

#stuff about me! #answered prompts

[ughwannasleep]

Um hi. 11 hours from now marks the 1 year of my partners death. She was 20 and died of melanoma, skin cancer, despite never going in the sun. Some fucked up miracle.

It's been probably 10 or 11 months since I posted. My grandmother (72) who was supposed to pass before Thanksgiving is still alive and at her last check, despite having zero treatment whatever was wrong with her is completely gone. And I know I should be happy but instead I'm still pretty pissed off that this old lady who is the MOST NEGATIVE person I've ever met is still alive and yet someone who was so young and kind and caring and was going to make the BEST teacher and foster parent is gone. I'll never understand.

It's been a long year. I fell into drinking really badly, slipped up with self harm a couple times. But I have found the best friend in the world, they happens to be my late partners best friend. We met in person the day of the memorial and have been inseperatable. We traveled across the country to the grandcanyon, went to our first concert, traveled to Miami. There's been a lot of good and bad this year. I quit my job. I wasn't doing good and it was just a constant reminder of the future I had planed with my partner. I'm a full time doordasher now. I'm taking my last 2 classes before I get my associates and I'm freeeee.

I'm still living with my grandmother but once I have the degree I'm hitting the road I hope. I lost my health insurance in January. I'm completely unmedicated. My bipolar has been really bad since the semester started. My depression keeps hitting new lows.

I've also recently realized that other than my best friend I'm completely alone. Our friend group had the 4 of us. And it was great earlier this year my best friend moved 1.5 hours up and lived with my mom next door. The 4 of us were getting drunk every single weekend for a while. The other 2 were also friends with my late partner. 1 had known her since they were in middle school.

Things changed over time though. I stopped drinking again. my partner hated it. It tore us apart 6 months before we started dating because of who I become when I drink. I stayed sober for a while after her passing out of respect for her memory. At some point me and my best friend started platonically flirting when we would drink. I flirt with everyone when I drink. I'm that person. I'm a hoe when I drink, that was part of the problem my partner had with it (justifiably).

Apparently 1 of the friend group had a problem with this. Never said anything to me, just to the other. Apparently it was disrespectful to her memory, to soon, all that jazz. And I get it in some ways I do. But also, I think it was disrespectful to get drunk with me every weekend. I'm an alcoholic. I can't just have 1 drink. It took a lot of work for me to go sober the 1st time. They had no problem helping me on to the wagon my partner fought to get me off. Yes. My alcoholism is MY problem and no one else's but you can't criticize me and call me disrespectful and say I'm dishonoring her memory when you keep handing me the bottle. I wouldn't have gotten flirty with my friend if I were sober. And Ultima it was still platonic. There was never anything emotional to do with it.

Ugh there's just so many things. But I'm here to vent. So have it all. There's also the fact, and I haven't really been quite about this, because I need those around me to know. She was 20 years old, dying, scared, stubborn. Our relationship lasted 21 months. 9 of those she was diagnosed with the cancer. And I had been fighting with ther to go to the doctor for months prior to the diagnosis. I stayed by her every single step of the way. She was quite about her struggle. Most of the people in her life didn't even know she had stage 3 until July. They didn't know she was dying until September. If they were lucky. She didn't want anyone to know. I understand they lost her to. But I feel like people are judging me for the way I had to block out and move on just to keep myself breathing. They don't know how bad it was sometimes. And I won't tell them because I don't want the images I have to haunt them like they do me. They'll never know so many things. She went into the hospital for the last time on September 24th and we lived there until her last moments. I was there every day. I memorized every part of her medical history. She was to shy and quiet, worried about being a burden. I was the one that would tell the nurses when she needed medicine. I was the one who held her hand for every. Single. IV, blood thinner shot, panic attacks. Her last 24 hours sepsis set in. And those are the hours that I can never tell these people. And I won't tell them here because even strangers don't need the images I have ingrained in my head.

And yet. I'm the bad guy for doing what I needed. It wasn't that I forgot about her. I think about her every day. It was that I had to block out the fact that she died to keep myself moving. 1 month after she passed I had to move in to take care of my grandmother, who at the time was completely dependent on me. By the end of the year I had to give up 1/2 of the animals we loved together. I had to move out of the home we shared. Go through all of her things. I spent literally the entire year watching 2 of the people who meant most to me die. Yes, my grandmother made it. But I spent months waking up, going to her room as soon as I woke up, to make sure she was still breathing holding mine for the moment she wasn't.

And people have the nerve to tell me I was disrespectful because I tried to get back to normal.

I messed up so much in our relationship. Prior to the diagnosis. I wasn't 100% faithful. And that haunts me every single day. I hate that she had to find out after she died. I fear death because I'm so scared I will see her on the other side and she'll hate me. Or be upset. Or give me the hell I deserve. There are so many things that haunt me more days then they don't. I tried getting her to go to the hospital for months before she did. If I would've tried, forced her like I did once a month after the diagnosis (not an exaggeration. Everything that could go wrong did.) Then she would still be alive. And I live with that. Every day.

Anyway. Back to the point. So our friend group of 4 people. The 1 who thinks I disrespected her memory is quite in the group chat. Never says anything. That's just who he is. But the other one. There's been twice recently where I've been in a really really bad place. Slipped up with self harm (I didn't tell them that) and like, genuinely wasn't sure if I'd survive the night. I reached out to group chat. My "friends" practically crying because it was so bad and I didn't know what to do. Let the record show, earlier this year when the table was reversed I reached out, talked to the person, picked them up and took them to the hospital to get help. I watched them all open my message and leave it. My best friend of course reached out but the other 2 absolutely nothing. Both times, 30 mins to an hour later by best friend would send something and they'd reply. And I've honestly came to the conclusion that they don't like me.

That if I'm not getting drunk with them I don't matter to them. And it's been obvious. 9/10 when I say something the in the group chat they don't respond but when anyone else does they do. And I know better. When I went sober back in 2019 these people were in the group. And when I went sober back then I did it alone. The moment I stop drinking I stop having friends. And I'm so thankful for my best friend this year. I couldn't have done this alone and I know I would've just kept drinking. I'm on the verge of going back there. But I'm tired of fake friends. I'm tired of drunk friends.

Also, the whole point why I'm here, because this wasn't meant to be a diary entry. I'm at my heaviest weight ever. 210. And honestly i hate everything about myself. So there's that. Good to be back rabbit hole. Good to be back.

[nostuntmanneeded]

Sebastian’s Birthday Video

Well, everyone — Sebastian finally posted about Alejandra on his Instagram 10 months after they supposedly started dating.

While the posting of this video does put the relationship more in the public eye, it doesn’t mean it has confirmed the relationship is real.

If you’re one of those fans who have started to believe this relationship is real, I’m not judging you or forcing you to stay on the “Team PR” side. But I will tell you that there are a lot of weird things I’ve picked up on in the video that still link this relationship to being a publicity stunt.

The video is old

There’s no doubt about it that the video Sebastian posted is old and is pre-recorded. People are speculating that this video was recorded before traveling to Ibiza.

Sebastian’s hair is shorter and it’s natural-looking. If this video was made recently, we’d see longer and dyed hair.

Sebastian also looks like he is in his apartment in New York City which further proves that the video is old as heck. And unless Sebastian got super into video editing during quarantine, the video had to have been edited by someone else (probably by someone on his team).

The video is also super general. It’s not even a special birthday video. This makes me believe that Sebastian was told to record it, and his team kept it in the archives until a good time to post it came along.

The video is comedic

If you dated someone seriously for almost a year, and their birthday came along, you’d probably want to make a sentimental video for your significant other.

This video was goofy and comedic.

We are all aware of how heartfelt Sebastian’s birthday messages can be and this video was far from that.

I’ve sent and received birthday messages to and from friends that were more sincere than Sebastian’s video. Heck, I wrote a super genuine paragraph to my crush in his graduation card not too long ago.

Maybe Sebastian just wanted to be a goofball, but I feel like he should’ve been more heartfelt in his message if he wanted to make this relationship more believable.

The baits

A huge giveaway to this strange video being orchestrated is the baits that we’ve seen from Alejandra throughout this relationship appearing in it.

We see Sebastian poking fun at Alejandra’s cooking baits, her Christmas bait, her attempts to loophole in the United States through the beach in Tulum and her Valentine’s Day bait.

Fans have even picked up on the picture being a shoutout to Alejandra’s infamous lockscreen bait.

But the baits appearing in this video alone isn’t the only thing that’s weird — it’s the fact that this video was supposedly filmed before Ibiza, which implies that Sebastian and his team knew about the baits before they actually happened in real time.

CAA script?

As you watch the video, if you look closely, you’ll see a white board with a “to do” list. One of the items on that list says “CAA script.”

While CAA and other talent agencies look at screenwriting scripts, agencies also have scripts that are specifically tied to a certain planned PR stunt.

It is unknown what kind of script Sebastian was talking about, though.

There was no tag and no “I love you”

Some fans have picked up on the fact that Sebastian did not tag Alejandra in his video (he only @’ed her in the caption), and the fact that he didn’t say “I love you” at all.

Sebastian may not be allowed to tag Alejandra, as Alejandra’s team probably wouldn’t allow the tag to go through. (Similar to when Alejandra tagged Sebastian in the shadow picture and Sebastian’s team didn’t allow the tag to go through.)

The caption of this post was interesting overall. Saying that Alejandra was the “light” in a “dark” time is super universal. You could say the same thing to a family member or a close friend. My neighbor was my “light” during the “darkness” of the pandemic.

Although a significant other could hold that spot, it’s still nothing unique.

The story post for Tom Holland 

These are two things that fans have observed that tie directly into PR strategies to divert focus and generate more fame respectively.

Alejandra has been raking in controversy since she started dating Sebastian. This video had to have gotten some mixed reviews among fans, and receiving backlash isn’t uncommon for Sebastian at this point.

Posting for Tom Holland’s birthday was the perfect distraction. 

Fans love Sebastian and Tom’s friendship, and they love Sebastian and Anthony Mackie’s comments on Tom’s age and maturity. Sebastian’s story post for Tom’s birthday diverted the focus to something positive and playful.

Chris Evans’ like

There’s a couple of reasons as to why Chris Evans might’ve liked this video. 

First of all, Chris is known for not being skilled in social media, especially on Instagram. He could’ve been scrolling through his feed, aimlessly, and liked the video without knowing what it was. (I do it all the time.)

But Chris is also a client of CAA, and the agency could’ve forced him to like the video. 

If people see that Chris Evans liked Sebastian’s video, it’ll get the video more views and it’ll get Alejandra more fame. And that’s how PR works, my friends.

Alejandra’s comment — te quiero verses te amo

Nearly a day after the video was posted, Alejandra commented.

Fans have been discussing the meaning of “te quiero” versus “te amo” in terms of saying “I love you” to Sebastian.

Here’s a little Spanish lesson for you all…

“Te quiero” translates literally to “I want you.” (“Quiero” stems from the verb “querer” which means “to want.”) “Te amo” translates to “I love you.” (“Amo” stems from the verb “amar” which means “to love.”)

“Te quiero” is known to be the softer version of saying “I love you,” and it’s most commonly expressed to family members, friends and relationships that are just starting out. “Te amo” is the deeper version of “I love you,” and it is normally reserved for very serious romantic relationships.

But with this being said, “te quiero” is the most common form of saying “I love you” across romantic partners, so take that mini-lesson with a grain of salt.

#Sebastian Stan #alejandra onieva #pr relationships #Team PR #PRomance #pr stunt #PR #public relations #celebrity relationships #relationship #celebrity #celebrity news #gossip blog #gossip #celebrities #fake romances #pr romance #romance

[gemsofgreece]

Bad Boys of the Greek Cuisine

Everyone’s taste is different but the Greek Cuisine is generally acknowledged as a very tasty cuisine with both European and Middle Eastern influences. Not only that but it is considered one of the healthiest diets in the world with one of its branches, the Cretan diet, taking the first place the last time I checked. The secret of this cuisine’s success lies on the use of top quality and very fresh products and not so much on the use of many or unusual ingredients. However, that’s not to say that the Greek cuisine does not come with its fair share of extreme dishes. Here are some of them: Πατσάς - Patsás Patsas is a tripe soup / stew aka a stew made of stomach. It looks innocent and it is usually eaten as a comfort food but the cooking process smells like the name sounds... In Greece, there are shops called Patsatzídika that stay open until way past midnight and offer exclusively this dish and they are preferred after a lot of alcohol consumption. I had to remove the picture because I had eleven in this post and Tumblr sucks. I removed Patsas because it is the most normal looking one. Χοχλιοί μπουμπουριστοί - Hochlií buburistí Probably the Greek dish with the hardest name, at least for me. It is a traditional dish of Crete island but you can enjoy it all around Greece, provided that you are eager to eat... snails.

Κοκορέτσι - Kokoretsi Kokoretsi is a roasted dish made of animal intestines, livers and lungs served in slices. While this name does not originate from the Greek language, the dish was already loved by the Byzantine Greeks who called it “Chordae” meaning cords. The dish is hard to be prepared as it is necessary that the intestines are very carefully cleaned with tools such as pencils and knitting needles. In Greece it is often served at Easter.

Σπληνάντερο - Splinándero It is what its name means: Spleen and Large Bowel. Plus heart. From old sheep and goats. Also served at Easter because apparently Greeks go feral during Easter.

Μαγειρίτσα - Mayiritsa Another Easter classic, served during the Holy Saturday, Mayiritsa is a liver and heart soup. It’s certainly not for the faint of... nose such as me who I had to leave the house as my mum was cooking it. This is why recently a new type of Mayiritsa is trending, which replaces the organs with mushrooms and it is ideal for vegetarians and people with a sensitive nose. Nevertheless, most people love traditional Mayiritsa. Once I found an ice cream shop in Thessaloniki serving a mayiritsa flavour. What the heck.

By they way we have like another gazillion intestine dishes for some unknown reason but I will skip them to make this post more varied. Αχινοί - Raw Urchins This is a delicacy to several sea cuisines around the world. Greece is one of them. Recipe: go to a beach with clear waters, look for an urchin, hold it carefully, cut the living urchin in half with a knife and pour fresh lemon juice on it. That's it, that's the recipe.

Χταπόδι - Octopus This is by no means an extreme food in Greece but I include it here because I was surprised to find out it is nowhere as common in most countries and people often have a strong reaction to it. Well, in Greece we only have a reaction of fierce love for it. Octopus is used in several Greek dishes but the most iconic is probably grilled octopus marinated in vinegar often served with Greek sauerkraut salad. Seafood restaurants often hang fresh fished octopuses outside their shops and let them dry in the sun. It is a classic image of Greece and a sign the restaurant offers very fresh products. It was literally grabbed from the sea and flung to your face, top that level of freshness if you can.

Σπινιάλο - Spinialo Spinialo is a traditional seafood dish originating from the island of Kalymnos. The dish consists of fouskes, sea squirts that are marinated in a bottle of seawater. These primitive marine vertebrates usually attach themselves to shells and rocks, and when cut in half, fouskes reveal a soft flesh with a strong and bitter flavor and a texture that's similar to scrambled eggs.

Αρνί στη σούβλα - Skewered lamb If you are in anyway familiar with Greece, you probably know what the main event of our Easter feasts is. Roasting a whole skewered lamb. I imagine people freaking out at that. But, hey, it's a huge part of our tradition. And don't mind me saying, it bloody tastes insane. It's funny that in 27 years of life, now that I'm typing this in English, it is the first time it occurs to me that some people could potentially find this weird.

Πεσκανδρίτσα - Angler fish This hideous fish is eaten in two ways. Its...uhm... head is a common ingredient of Greek fish soups. I am personally not that much into soups or fish but let me tell you and sign this as well: this unassuming fellow has the most delicious tail. Its tail is called Μπρασκοουρά (Braskourá) and is heaven when fried. Don't look at it, just read my words and trust them.

Κεφαλάκι σούπα - Head soup The name sounds too generic but at least it is only about (poor) goats and sheep. This dish is getting a little too extreme for young Greeks but in my parents' generation, parents would chase the children to eat the eyes because that supposedly made you clever. The tongue was enjoyed too. Anyway, I'll spare you of a graphic image.

I am loth to end this fantastic post but the new BETA mode I am on forbids more than 10 pictures (that’s the actual reason I did not add a head soup picture and not that I am kind-hearted) so I'm gonna end this with the weirdest type of meat we eat. Like I said above, some things here might look a bit much, but when it comes to the types of meat Greeks eat, we really don't like taking the uncommon path. Greek cuisine is more mellow than extreme. Ironically, Greeks eat meats well done or medium at most because they are squeamish at the idea of eating bloody or remotely raw meat. So they eat a load of bowels and heads that stare at your soul but at least they are cooked for, like, 6 hours, you know, to ensure they are absolutely dead. Greeks typically devour eat farm animals, poultry, boars and a few commonly hunted birds, almost all fish and seafood. They also eat rabbits and hares (would that be considered uncommon? IDK) but that's where it ends. For instance, deer can be found in Greek supermarkets but nobody wants to eat such a gorgeous being and if you eat horse intentionally, you might as well get kicked out of the country (exaggeration but still). So, farm mammals, a few birds, fish and seafood. And snails. That's all. Oh! And- Βατραχοπόδαρα - Frog legs Frog legs is a traditional delicacy of the mountainous lakeside city of Ioannina. It is the only region of Greece where frogs are eaten. It is a tasty looking dish and those who have tried it say it actually tastes a lot like chicken. Actually sign me up for this. I mean, look at that. Why the hell not?

Now I wonder how many people decided to all of a sudden not travel to Greece and how many decided to come just now. And I wonder what that nice Anon who complimented my delicious food posts thinks now. But remember, Greek cuisine might have some bad boys but it also has many good good gooooood ones.

#greece #food #cuisine #mediterranean cuisine #greek cuisine #greek food #crete #kalymnos #dodecanese #ioannina #epirus #mainland #greek islands

[crhinge]

Breaking Down The Classic Rom-Com

I feel like I haven’t written a fun post in a hot sec so lets talk about one of my favorite subjects: Rom Coms

According to wikipedia, a Rom Com, also known as Romantic Comedy, is “a subgenre of comedy and slice-of-life fiction, focusing on lighthearted, humorous plot lines centered on romantic ideas, such as how true love is able to surmount most obstacles.” In the past, Romantic Comedies have also been called “Chick Flicks” but I think this is devaluing of both women and  the romantic comedy genre. 

The other day, I woke up to find that the most wholesome rom-com couple of all time reunited: Matty & Jenna (Aka Mark Ruffalo & Jennifer Garner). This got me thinking about the beauty of the Rom-Com and how unappreciated they can be. It has been years since we have seen a rom-com with the cultural impact of 13 Going on 30, and I would like to petition for more of them after a sad and painful year. 

I can already hear the millions (in my head this blog is extremely popular) of comments “What about To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before?!?” “What about The Kissing Booth?!?” And too that I say, "Good Riddance!” If you’re rating your rom coms on a TATBILB scale, or even WORSE The Kissing booth, I feel sorry for you. Truly I do. So let's dive into the best Rom Coms of all time, but first... 

What makes a Rom-Com good? Well let's start with a relatable as hell main character. I am talking a girl (sometimes guy), who has many flaws, but the audience can see themselves within her/him. Let's use Jenna Rink from 13 Going On 30 as an example. Well, she's literally a 13 year old in a 30 year olds body, but don’t we all still have a preteen hiding inside of all of us? She is 100% willing to be herself at every step, even if that means dancing thriller all alone. She touches on all of our insecurities, while teaching us how to break down our walls. 

Rom-Coms also need characters to make realistic choices. This does not mean that the movie itself is realistic, but rather than you can understand the choices the characters make. Again, 13 going on 30 does a fabulous job of this. Obviously, Jenna traveling in time because of wishing powder is not realistic, but the choices that her and her past self make are. Due to the insecurities of her childhood and a need to feel included, relevant, and powerful Jenna pushes important people out of her life, which happens to so many people in the real world. These decisions force her to miss out on the love of her life, and ultimately, the story ends sadly: the love of her life marries someone else and she is left with tears, wishing powder, and an old doll house. That is until she is able to travel back in time and change the course of her life. 

Lastly, Every classic Rom-Com couple needs to have chemistry. There. I said it. Hollywood loves just casting random famous actors without giving them a proper chemistry read. One great example of this is Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel in Safe Haven. Both fun, famous, Hollywood actors who have zero chemistry. Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Garner had more chemistry throwing back Razzles than those two did during an intimate sex scene. 

Alright, now that we have broken down the requirements of a Romantic Comedy, let's jump into the best and worst of all time.

Best: When Harry Met Sally. 9/10. A classic. A tale as old as time. Both Sally & Harry are very flawed, yet relatable characters. Sally is too picky and particular, while Harry is a player. They both suck at relationships, but make rational decisions based on their motivations. We all have friends like these two and their chemistry is on point, both on a friendship and romantic level. They bounce off of one another splendidly. 

Worst: Sleepless in Seattle. 1/10 I know, this is a strong take, but this is a terrible movie about a stalker. Meg Ryan (I don’t even remember her character's name) is the stupidest most unrelatable character I have seen in a long time. She is extremely unlovable, cheats on her SO emotionally, and flies across the country to stalk a man that she has never met before. And then you’re telling me that Tom hanks FALLS FOR HER? Nope. No. I refuse to except this. Plus, their chemistry in this is pretty mediocre (You’ve Got Mail is Way Better) and we only get to see them together once. 

Best: 10 Things I Hate About You. 8/10. I was tempted to leave all high School Rom-Coms off this list, but Heath Ledger is my exception. Talk about likability. Kat is a strong, powerful, independent woman who learns how to be more vulnerable while still being a feminist badass. We all wanted to be Kat growing up. Meanwhile Heath Ledger is the classic bad boy with a soft side, and who wasn’’t into that? Both characters grow into new people throughout the movie making them relatable, complex, and realistic. Not to mention the angel that is Joseph Gordon Levitt, who keeps the audience up beat and smiling throughout the course of this Shakespeare tale

Best: My Big fat Greek Wedding. 10/10.  Have you seen this film recently? Because it is an absolute DELIGHT and so relatable. It dives into the difficulty of family expectation and cultures merging. It also has the cutest proposal of all time with a realistic couple that fights for one another on a daily basis. You laugh. You cry. You get a dynamic cast with wonderful chemistry. You feel invested in the family and the relationship. Just a joyful wonderful film.

Worst: Something Borrowed. 0/10. If you’ve never seen this movie, don’t. Ginnifer Goodwin sleeps with her best friends fiancé and we’re supposed to be okay with it because she liked him first. Hard pass. And she ignores John Krazinski who is right in front of her. She is unlikable, unreliable, and makes dumb decisions that no one else would. 

Best: He’s just not that into you. 9/10  I will go to bat for this movie. It follows several realistic storylines in a Love Actually manor, except they actual seem legit. A woman realizing her boyfriend is never going to marry her. A girl facing the fact that maybe some guys just aren’t that into her, and she isn’t an exception to the rule. A man slowly making the decision to cheat on his wife as they are growing apart. A woman realizing that she is worth way more than her bastard husband. A woman realizing that the person she’s sleeping with will never leave his wife for her. It's compelling, has realistic characters that we can relate to, and still warms your heart in the end. 

Best: The Big Sick. 8/10. Okay to be fair, this is based on a true story so it automatically has realistic characters and decisions. Maybe I should leave this off of the list, but I wish this film got the recognition it deserves. Two lovable main characters who make mistakes that are understandable. Wonderful chemistry between Kumail and his girlfriend as well as her family. 

Best: About Time. 11/10 This is hands down the best Rom-Com of all time and Potentially the best film of all time as well. If you don’t cry in this movie you do not have a heart or soul. The characters are SO insanely likable and adorable.It touches on the importance of family and valuing time and how little of it we have. The chemistry within the whole cast is palpable, and we can all relate to at least one character, whether it is the protagonist Tim, his wife Mary, his sister Kit-Kat, or his father. 

Well it is important to point out the obvious here: this list is lacking diversity in a huge way. All but one of these movies follow a cis, straight, white couple, and that is extremely concerning. People have attempted to make more diverse rom-coms over the past few years, but they all seem to be lacking one of the three core components of what makes a rom-com great: Relatable, realistic, and great chemistry. For example. Crazy Rich Asians was a fantastic film, but the high level of wealth that Nick Young comes from, made his character difficult to relate to, and I’m sorry but the chemistry just wasn’t there for me. Always Be My Maybe’s characters fell flat and it’s not a film I would want to watch more than once. Love Simon made some huge waves for LGBTQ representation in the media, but that ending kiss was unrealistic along with his friends reaction to fining out he was lying, which left the movie anti-climactic by the end. 

Now, the most recent film on this list was made in 2017. And before that 2013. So where have all the Rom Coms gone? Why don’t we see more of them. There are a few Rom Coms that could be contenders on the “Best” list from the last couple of years that include a small amount of diversity: 

Yesterday 7/10. The big question here is does this count as a romantic comedy? The love story isn’t the main plot, but is definitely a large sub-plot. This movie features an interracial couple and is highly re-watchable. The main characters are entertaining, relatable, and have pretty good chemistry. We will see if it stands the test of time. 

The Broken Hearts Gallery 7/10. This movie has gotten NO recognition. The main character, Lucy, is an extremely likable 20 something, not unlike our Ginnifer Goodwin in He’s Just not that Into You. The plot is fun and predictable but keeps you watching. I don’t know if this one will stay on my list long, but it’s definitely up there. 

But here is my challenge to Hollywood: create some new, beautiful Rom Coms that celebrate diversity but that don’t throw away the relatable, realistic, and high chemistry characters that we are just waiting to fall in love with. It’s got like 16 ideas up my sleeve, so just give me a call Hollywood. 

#rom com #romantic comedy #13 going on 30 #when harry met sally #sleepless in seattle #my big fat greek wedding #10 things i hate about you #something borrowed #he's just not that into you #the big sick #about time #yesterday #The broken hearts gallery

[stanning-reyna]

Percabeth one-shot

AN: So a few months ago I made a post about an idea for a fic about percabeth seeing sights in New York City and Annabeth not knowing where she’s going but Percy knowing the city super well, etc. I finally wrote it! Disclaimer: I’ve only been to nyc once and had to look up maps online, so if I messed up the layout of the city please don’t attack me. Takes place between TTC and BOTL. Read below the cut

Percy’s pov:

“Percy! Did you do what I asked you to?” Sally yelled from down the hallway.

Percy froze in his tracks. What had she asked him to do? Something, he knew that much. She had asked him right when she got home from work. He had been doing math homework in his bedroom. It had to do with guests coming over. 

Clean up the bathroom? No, he did that this morning. Take out the trash? It was as good a guess as any. Percy made his way over to the kitchen and opened the cabinet door. Sure enough, the trash was nearly overflowing under the sink. 

“Percy?” Sally called again, this time just behind him. “Did you change your sheets like I asked?” Oh. His guess has been wrong.

“I was just about to do that,” Percy lied, plenty sure his mom saw through it. 

“And didn’t I tell you to take out the trash yesterday? It’s starting to smell,” she added. 

He just shrugged in response and heaved the plastic bag out of the bin.

“Thank you. And make sure to change your sheets!” Sally said as Percy began his trip out the door and down to the dumpster. 

His brain had been scattered all over the place the past few days. Annabeth was coming to visit for spring break, something the two of them had been planning for over a year now. In less than an hour, they’d pick her up from the airport.

How did anyone ever feel safe flying in a plane? There were so many ways to die, most completely unpredictable. Annabeth was fearless though- brave enough to face any monster and even an airplane.

Percy returned to his apartment after dropping the trash in the dumpster, trying to quell the giddiness rising inside him. There was something he had to do before they left to get Annabeth. What was it again? He had just been thinking about it.

Sheets! Change the sheets on his bed. But where did his Mom keep their spare sheets?

After 10 minutes of sorting through drawer after drawer, new sheets were finally on Percy’s bed. His usual navy blue was replaced with a pastel green. Annabeth had been in a light green phase recently, so hopefully she’d appreciate these.

“You ready to head to the airport?” Sally called from the front door. 

He looked around his room for anything he might have missed while cleaning up. Percy’s eyes found the photos of Annabeth pinned to the cork board above his desk. He should take those down. She might be a little weirded out by images of herself watching her as she sleeps.

After stashing the photos in a drawer that Annabeth hopefully wouldn’t look in, Percy pulled his shoes on and dashed to the front door.

. . .

Annabeth’s pov:

She probably should feel bad for the person sitting next to her on the plane. For the past however many hours in the air, she had been flipping through travel guide after travel guide, taking breaks only to play with her necklace or her hair.

Every time Annabeth played with her hair, her elbow flew straight out to her side, regardless of whatever might be there. Meaning she had bumped into the man next to her more than once already. Sorry dude.

The 6 different travel guides in front of her consisted of long lists of the best places to visit in New York City. Annabeth had been into the city plenty of times before, but she never had the opportunity to explore. Which was stupid considering Camp was less than 2 hours away.

Percy had offered to give her a tour while she was staying with him, but Annabeth had a very specific list of sights she wanted to see. Not that she didn’t trust him, but she would much rather be the one in control of where they went.

The plane rumbled slightly as it touched down onto the runway. Woah, that had been a short flight. It felt so much shorter than the usual 6 hours from California to New York. She was glad, of course. That meant she got to see Percy sooner.

The trip through the airport was easy, as usual. Annabeth loved airports. They made sense- everything had a direction and a purpose. If only the rest of the world could be like that.

“Annabeth!” a voice yelled from across the taxi lane as she walked out the building’s doors. It was Percy’s voice. She scurried across the street towards him, dodging taxis and other people along the way.

. . .

���Are you sure you want to take that train?” Percy asked as Annabeth strutted to the nearest subway entrance. They had just gotten off the Staten Island Ferry and were now on their way back to the Jackson’s apartment.

“Yes, I’m sure. The map says it’ll take us north,” she asserted. 

“Sure it will,” Percy muttered, stopping in his tracks behind her.

Annabeth had to refrain from blowing smoke out her nostrils. He had been doing this for the past hour- critiquing her navigation choices and acting like he knew better. Which he did, but Annabeth wouldn’t admit that.

She knew she was right this time. The sign by the stairs said the train ended up in Brooklyn. Brooklyn was north of here. Right? Annabeth couldn’t quite remember, but if she had learned anything from her quests it was that sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and see where that gets you. And she wasn’t about to ask Percy for directions.

Annabeth began down the dirty concrete stairs. She reached the platform and the voices around her started to echo off the stone walls. Suddenly, someone yanked on her arm, pulling her back up the step she just left. She turned to look as Percy pulled her up the stairs, weaving in between the dozens of people crowding around them. A man muttered a curse word at her as she bumped into him.

“That train will take us out of Manhattan, in the opposite direction of my place,” Percy said as they reached street level. 

Well that’s not where she wanted to go. Maybe Brooklyn wasn’t where she thought it was.

“You could have said something sooner,” Annabeth hissed. “Maybe before I got all the way underground.”

“But you so clearly knew where you were going! I didn’t want to interrupt,” Percy spoke, the sarcasm heavy in his voice.

Annabeth huffed. Sometimes he was insufferable. 

After a minute they arrived at an intersection full of cars moving in all directions.

“So if you know the way so much better than me, what street do we take?” she asked sourly. 

“This one.” He pointed to the left.

Annabeth was hesitant to trust his sense of direction at first, but by the time they made it back to the Jackson’s apartment with no more trouble she was reminded once again that Percy’s much smarter than he looks. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s spent his entire life in the city.

#Percy's pov is always so fun for me to write #percy jackson #annabeth chase #percabeth #percy jackson fanfic #percy jackson fanfiction #annabeth chase fanfic #annabeth chase fanfiction #percabeth fanfic #percabeth fanfiction #pjo #pjo fandom #pjo series #pjo fanfic #pjo fanfiction #The Battle of the Labyrinth #the titan's curse #new york city #sally jackson

[zephycluster]

Precolonial HWS SEA Rant Post, feel free to ignore

If you're still reading, then you're probably looking for evidence or some juicy tidbits to throw back at me or to try and find dirt to cancel me, like typical Tumblr/Twitter. Go ahead, I don't really care.

First off, let me just say that If you like Precolonial South-East Asia AUs, feel free to keep enjoying them. I will respectfully support your passions from afar. This post is just to explain why I don't like it, especially the way they keep insisting/portraying PH in it.

Still here? Then let me begin.

Since the recent confirmation that the ASEAN Six Majors (Can't really say ASEAN 10 atm since it's still missing some people) Were completed and the Ma-Phil-Indo Trio was included, there has been a large surge in 'Precolonial' fanarts and portrayals of South East Asians, those three especially.

Even long, long before, circa 2010's ish, a rather well-known fan universe known as 'Maaf' dealt with their story and how their Author thought their intertwined histories went. Written by (my best guesstimate) an Indonesian writer who wants to explore the old, SEA bond.

When I first stumbled across Maaf (I was in Highschool at the time, around age 16-ish), I took a casual interest in it and tried to read it through. But, I will wholeheartedly admit that at the time, Pre-Colonial cultures of South-East Asia in general, let alone Philippine, did not really interest me that much. The focus (I think) was mostly on Indonesia, a country I didn't really know back then, and the liberal use of 'ancient' names and artwork just made it feel like an entirely Original Work (that needed a degree in History to really appreciate) and not something from Hetalia. I also completely disagreed with what I could gather was the story's portrayal of PH but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Do I hate 'Maaf'? No, I don't hate it. Do I wish I never came across it or that it didn't exist? Of course not. Just because I didn't enjoy it or appreciate it that well doesn't mean I wish any ill toward it, its fans, or its creator.

Fast forward to April 2021, the long awaited inclusion of South East Asia to the canon Hetalia verse. I was happy, the other fans were happy, all was good.

Then started the questionable fanarts, fan theories and fan pairings.

Especially the expansion of Precolonial! PH.

Let's go back to Maaf for one moment. From what I understood of Maaf, PH there was a character who once was like all the other South East Asian cultures, trading with them, all around being a nice family.

But all that changed when the Spaniards attacked, so cry the precolonial buffs. They destroyed everything, ransacked and marginalized the tribes, erased everything that PH was!

Did that happen? ABSOLUTELY. The Spaniards had this vision in mind that they must spread Christianity to all of the 'savage, unchristian heathens' of their realm. :V /s

But back up a second, back to PH's portrayal in Maaf. The way she (yeah, she) was portrayed there was that she was slowly losing her memories of being a 'true' South East Asian and grew more and more westernized in the process, like some sort of Culture-specific Alzheimer's or something.

Firstly, that is seriously depressing, and secondly, I just really don't see that happening.

Here's why.

Point 1: Even before Colonial Masters, Filipinos as a people cannot agree on anything.

I'll just begin this segment with a Philippine proverb that outlines what Filipinos call 'Crab Mentality' or 'Crab Bucket Mentality'.

"You don't need a lid for a container when you're keeping multiple crabs. If you keep at least two crabs together, they will just pull each other down instead of helping each other up."

I don't know how it goes with Indonesian or Malaysian history class, but what I know of my homeland, both pre- and post-colonial history, we were never really 'united' or 'together' in the sense that Indonesia and Malaysia were (from what I assume).

Let me pull up a somewhat related question on r/AskHistorians.

The reason I brought this up as it shows the reasons why, in my opinion, a single entity that is 'Precolonial Philippines-tan' is an impossibility.

The answers are long and would extend this already long post to stupid proportions, so I'll just quote relevant sentences. The link is here for those that wanna deep-dive into the answer.

"All this to say that there wasn't a name used for the entire Philippine islands before the Philippines that people now would agree to. An interesting comparison would be the Holy Roman Empire, which might also be characterized as disparate politico-geographic groups of relatively small size that had a history of relations between each other, but one thing they had that the Philippines did not was a common language, or at least a family of mostly mutually intelligible languages, so that the name Deutschland or Germany isn't terribly offensive to anyone. If you called the Philippines the 'Lupang-Tagalog' or even 'Lupang-Tao' the other ethnic groups would protest."

For those in need of translation, 'Lupang Tagalog' means 'Land of the Tagalogs' and 'Lupang Tao' means 'Land of People', specifically. The first one is already exclusive and offensive, as the Tagalog peoples are but one of many ethnicities here.

And for the 'Lupang Tagalog' suggestion specifically, it's even more offensive as they are the majority ethnicity (not by much, just around 28%) From this chart from Geography Now! It would basically be alienating everyone else in the 72% remainder that isn't 'Tagalog'.

And even 'Lupang Tao', the most generic name in a local language you can think of, would be met with contempt because the name itself is in the Tagalog language.

Just travelling between two individual island groups today would sometimes require a translator because the words can change very rapidly and very drastically. Here's a sample of some differences coming from a friend living in Visayas (in Red) vs. the words I know living in Luzon (In blue).

Ate vs. Manang = Older Sister

Ibon vs. Pispis = Bird

Tumawa vs. Kadlaw = To laugh

Takot vs. Hadlok = Fear

Kain vs. Kaon = To eat

Ngayon vs. Subong = Now, at this point in time

Iyak vs. Hibi/Gibi = to cry

Talampakan vs. Tiil = Foot (in Tagalog, the word retains its 'body part AND unit of measurement' meaning)

Tulog vs. Tuyo = to sleep (Tuyo in Tagalog is either a dried salted fish or 'to dry')

The kicker is that just like Tagalog is just one of many languages here, so too is the language my friend speaks. Ask an entirely new person, like someone from Mindanao, they'll probably have an entirely new set of words.

It's not just Luzon vs. Visayas vs. Mindanao, either. Here's a map listing some of the ethnic groups here.

Even the way they're written differs from location to location.

While we're on the subject of Island divisions, a casual skim across Twitter and Tumblr has shown that their Precolonial PH has been one of the following ancient civilizations: Tondo, Butuan, Sugbu, Namayan. There may have been others but that was what I have found.

Notice how even today, the posters of Precolonial PH can't seem to agree on what he's supposed to be? With Indonesia it's either Majapahit or Srivijaya and Malaysia it's usually Malacca iirc.

What is the big deal? Well, let's go back to the Ask Historians post. "Why didn't the Philippines ever change its name to remove the colonial mark that being named after a Spanish King has?" The answer: "If you suggested something dating to precolonial times, the other ethnic groups would protest."

Since we're on a roll with maps, let me bring this up.

As you can see, the precolonial PH posts have a reason to not be able to agree on one thing, as there is a LOT of options. Do you also see how THAT list is also split up?

It's split up into those aligned with China (Sinified), aligned with India (Indianized), aligned with the Middle East (Islamicized), and no alignment (Animist). Now, let's go back to the main suggestions for which Kingdom/Polity/Civilization/whatever Modern Philippines used to be.

If the Filipino peoples' couldn't agree on something as simple as WHAT TO CALL THE LAND THEY'RE LIVING ON, what more a living, breathing, walking, talking entity that is supposed to be a beacon of all of their 'unified' culture? ESPECIALLY if that entity used to be a currently existing Kingdom/Polity/Rajahnate/Sultanate/whatever.

Tondo? "Of course, always the damn Tagalogs. Tagalog this, Tagalog that. First the capital city, then the language,* THE REST OF US EXIST, YOU KNOW! What about us in Visayas? Mindanao?"

*The national language known as 'Filipino' is just standardized Tagalog*

Butuan? "Wait, you want Butuan to represent us? They're they only Indian-aligned city in the Islam-majority Mindanao! They're not even that many of them! I'm not gonna change my religion!"

Sugbu, the other name for the Rajahnate of Cebu on the map? Lemme bring back my Visayan friend again. According to her, she hails from the Hiligaynon part of Visayas.

"Sure :v and the other islands are what?

Chopped liver?

Not to mention the language and writing barrier helloooo"

And Namayan? Well. I'll let this pic speak for itself.

To summarize, no matter who you pick as Modern PH's previous identity, it will not end well nor be accepted by the other Kingdoms at the time.

"So where does that leave Modern PH, he had to have been ONE of them, right?"

Well, not really. He doesn't HAVE to be one of the Ancient Kingdoms that lasted till the modern day. I mean, predecessor representatives exist in Hetalia canon, after all. Like Modern Greece is a different character from Ancient Greece, Ancient Egypt and Modern Egypt, heck even England and his brothers have a canon mother that was the rep before them.

Or you could even use the same logic that Germany does, in that each specific region has/had its own representative and that Modern!PH is just the 'mediator' between them (cause gawd does PH need one). There could be a Tondo, a Namayan, a Butuan, and a Sugbu, all arguing and this Proto-PH is just trying to make headway in making them all satisfied.

But, even after all this, there is another reason why I personally don't subscribe to the 'Precolonial PH' idea, and by tangential extension, the Indo x Phil pairing.

Point 2: Even without intending to, Precolonial Indo x Phil just comes off as patronizing

This second point is just ENTIRELY personal preference and barely has any facts to back it up.

Again, if you like the pairing and disagree with me, You do you. I will respectfully support you and your passions from a distance.

But for me, Indo being Phil's seme/bae/boyfriend and consistently bringing up precolonial times just comes off as patronizing.

Just one more time, I'd like to point out that I am NOT bashing Indonesia, its people or the subscribers of Indo x Phil. This is just how the pairing feels to ME specifically.

The way I see it, Indo x Phil as a pairing, especially if it extends back into precolonial times, reads the same way as a long-since married couple where the husband/wife CONSTANTLY brings up that ONE outing you had together, or that ONE prom night where you kissed while dancing, even it happened like 30 some-odd years ago and so much more happened since then.

Even in a platonic sense, It reads like two besties where one ALWAYS mentions stuff like 'Yeah but you looked so much cooler back in High School' or 'Back in Grade School you would've known that', or 'Remember back in Pre-school we did X? How could you forget that?'

How does one respond to the notion that no matter what you do now, it will never compare to a past you've already forgotten or barely remember? That the best version of 'you' is already long gone?

"That's because the westerners made you forget your culture! You gotta take it back!"

While it is true, yes, as a collective we barely remember the Kingdom that commissioned the Laguna Copperplate, or created the Banaue Rice Terraces, or created the millennia old bonds that we still share with Indonesia and Malaysia.

But to keep pushing the precolonial identity would be to neglect and cast aside the one REAL binding belief and culture that spans the entirety of these islands we call the Philippines.

We take on all the bad stuff that happens to us, conquer it, and make it our own. Be it natural disasters, foreign powers, or negative stereotypical mentalities.

Yes, we've forgotten the ancient kingdoms of old and are just now digging through the closet for those remnants of the past. Yes, the colonizers imposed that on us, and made us forget. But in the process we've also taken everything that they left behind, everything that they threw at us, and created something that can only come from us.

The lanterns that the Spaniards used to light the way to the morning masses they made us attend became our globally known symbol of Christmas. The junked vehicles that the Americans left behind in World War 2 are now rolling works of art that announce themselves loud and proud on the streets (for better or for worse). The iced dessert recipe that the Japanese forced us to learn while they were occupying the country is now so distinct and famous it is synonymous with us, and is so delicious even Italy has taken notice.

Even after all this? Even after all the 425-ish years total we have been under a foreign power, with all the progress we've made as a country, a people, and a nation, you would still imply our fragmented, jigsaw puzzle state of being in the past was better just because it was pure 'South East Asian' like everyone else?

We might not be as well put-together as Indonesia or Malaysia, but we made this melting pot of angry, leg-pulling, dogpiling, Native, Mestizo, Chinoy, and Fil-Am crabs OURS, damnit!

It's now 4:30 AM and I have work in 5 or so hours. I'll be going to sleep now.

#hws #hws philippines #precolonial philippines #hws theory #hetalia #hetalia world stars #hetalia world series #hetalia headcanons #aph #axis powers hetalia #aph philippines #hetalia philippines #aph hetalia

[whereisten]

Porcelain

A Yangyang fic that’s part of our Halloween Series! 

Summary: After a falling out with your friends, you wander into a forest and find a mysterious mansion with an even more mysterious inhabitant, Yangyang. 

Pairing: rich boy!Yangyang x female reader 

Genre: romance, fluff, fantasy, mystery, suspense, drama

Word Count: 7k

Warnings: Violence

(A/N): hey y’all! So the timing for posting this story worked out so well because it’s Yangyang’s birthday (in America!) :D Anyway, this is our second story for our Halloween Series for NCT 2020 and we hope you enjoy!  I’m so excited to be writing for one of my biases. I know my writing needs a lot of work but I hope you guys enjoy it. Yangyang is precious. Stan Yangyang, y’all. Shoutout to Krys for inspiring me everyday and for proofreading my story! You are my rock!

_______

It was October 10, the day in which your small town came together for a big bonfire to celebrate the fall season. Your town of Celestial was known for celebrating something every week but the atmosphere was always special at this time of the year. Classes ended for the week and your friends were excited to go to a party in the woods.

Unfortunately for you, you were abandoned off the side of the road after having a falling out with your friends Dowoon and Sana for blowing off the mayor’s son’s party. You’d recently been rebuffed by him in the senior hallway. Your rejection was followed by your classmates mocking you all day long. You wouldn’t be caught dead at Peter’s party. And you were especially in no mood to put up with your friends’ preference for a good party over their recently spurned friend’s feelings.

You said screw them but they would probably end up screwing each other anyway. They were platonic but their drunken hookups always said otherwise. So sometimes you felt like a third wheel. Which was also why you didn’t want to go. You wanted a new experience this spooky season. And you were probably getting one now that you were 2 miles outside of town. Damn your pride. Dowoon and Sana insisted you get back in the car but the driver, the school quarterback, quickly drove them off. What a sense of community, you thought.

It was freezing in Celestial at this time of year so you were layered up, saving your pair of ruby red mittens for last. The overcast sky appeared to promise snowfall. If not for tonight, the snow would surely fall tomorrow

You knew this area well enough to walk back into town but as you took a few steps forward, you noticed smoke in the distance. Like it was coming from a chimney.

That was odd, you thought. Who lived on this side of town?

As you walked in the direction of the smoke, you moved past the dense evergreen trees and before you knew it, you stumbled upon a mansion out of an old-time movie. Dating back to at most the 1800s. The mansion was a Renaissance chateau, big and domineering. Something that could’ve made Celestial a tourist destination like Asheville had with the Biltmore Estate.

How was it possible that anyone could live here, you thought. Surely, this would be the talk of the town if anyone knew. And if it was off-limits, it would’ve certainly kept the town on their toes.

The mansion was quiet and there was no trace of movement or inhabitants. Then again, it was large so you could be incorrect. The chateau’s main entrance was big and made of the most pristine marble. The only thing missing was a moat. There were several fountains in the entrance. The water froze due to the colder weather. You didn’t understand how you could keep moving forward. You didn’t know this place. You didn’t know who could be inside. But you found yourself taking steps up to the massive double doors. Your hand moved to the doorknob and turned it over. The door creaked open and without a second thought, you walked in.

The door slammed shut behind you but you weren’t afraid. In fact, you were mesmerized by the atmosphere of the mansion. From the outside the mansion looked preserved like a fine piece of art in a high-surveillance museum: cold and unwelcoming and way out of your price range. But on the inside, it felt...warm and bright. It felt like home. It smelled of cinnamon and freshly baked bread.

You walked through the entryway and found everything illuminated by candle light. There was no indication of light from the outside. It was almost as if the real goings-on were hidden from the outside world.  

There were shoes at the entrance. You took your boots off to not track dirt into the residence. Winter coats were hung up on the coat rack. You hang your coat up as well. There was a half-full cup of tea that was beside the sofa of the sitting room. You admired the interior: the expansive first floor library, the dining room table that sat seven, the pristine kitchen area, the music room...

As you stood in the doorway of the music room, you heard the sounds of a violin playing a somber but sweet melody. Rather than grow alarmed, you longed to find the source, thinking that whatever it was could only bring you joy.

The music room was massive, with a skylight in the shape of a spade on the ceiling. The sunset colors of the sky never looked more stunning than they did at that moment.  A grand piano lay at the center. You longed to touch it but something inside you warned you against it. Instruments of all kinds were splayed across the area. But there was no violin in sight.

When you turned around to continue exploring the mansion, that was when you found the source of the music.

A boy about your age stood before you with his violin rested against his collarbone. He continued to play as he smiled knowingly at you. He had straight brown hair that nearly fell into his warm brown eyes. He donned a black tuxedo that was more regal than modern. His eyes crinkled as he watched you, delighted to meet such a beautiful stranger.

You nearly jumped at his presence. “Who…are you?”

Quirking an eyebrow, he replied as he continued playing, “I should be asking you that. You’ve broken into our home.”

“Our?” You asked.

He shook his head. “What brings you here, miss?”

You knew you’d been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to  but you couldn’t help it. This place called out to you and you’d hoped you could stay longer. But it looked like your time was up. You lamely said, “I…need to borrow your phone.”

He shook his head. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re referring to. What’s this ‘phone’ you speak of?” His refined voice was not like that of the locals. He sounded well-traveled, worldly. But definitely from a long time ago. 

The more you spoke to this young man, the more you realized that he didn’t sound like he lived in the same century as you.

You frowned. “You don’t know what a phone is? Come on, you’re kidding, aren’t you?”

He halted from playing and gave you a look. “Tell me. What is a phone?”

“…It’s a device that lets you speak to someone who isn’t with you…” You attempted an explanation that was as eloquent as possible, thinking that if you spoke in a more refined tone, he would get what you were saying. Where on earth could this boy have been from to not know what a phone is? He really sounded like someone from a century past.

“Like a medium?” He asked as he set his violin down in its case. He put his hands in his pockets as he walked slowly back to you. Your breathing stalled as his face was mere inches from yours. He was indeed very handsome. His high cheekbones. His glorious tan skin. A pearly white set of teeth. His legs were dangerously long as he faced you.

Your face warmed up and you hoped he couldn’t tell. You backed away as you locked your eyes on the piano instead. “No…It’s like if I were two miles away from here and you needed to get a hold of me, you could use a phone to contact me on another phone. It’s an electronic device.”

He nodded. “Oh, I’ve heard of those…My family and I could not acquire them, unfortunately.” His expression became sad, longing.

Hearing his defeated voice, you turned to him. “Oh, I’m sorry. Why is that?”

He looked at you, defeated. “I’d rather not say, miss…”

“Y/n,” you answered.

“Y/n,” he replied, liking the sound of your name.

“It’s okay,” you replied, “I should probably go…I’ve overstayed my welcome, sir….Your name?”

“Yangyang,” he answered, anticipating the sound of his name off of your lips.

“Yangyang…Would it be possible to get a ride back into town? I can pay you for your trouble.”

He smiled apologetically. “My sincerest apologies but I’ve no means to take you.”

“Oh…” It was all you could say.

You felt a small pang of worry at the pit of your stomach, especially now that night had fallen. Perhaps, you could make your way back into town if Yangyang offered you a torch. He would have that much, at the very least.

“It’s dangerous to go out on your own at this time of night, y/n…” He said, quietly. It was a little eerie that he read your mind at that moment.

“I know. I’m such a fool…I couldn’t borrow my father’s phone for the night so I have no way of calling anyone…I…just couldn’t help myself when I walked in here…” You said as you looked around the music room. “It was like…”

“Something pulled you in,” he finished.

“Yes, exactly.”

Yangyang began, “I know it’s out of turn for me to say this but I can offer you a room to stay in for the night…Then, you can make your way back into town in the morning.”

You were beyond lucky your parents weren’t home for the weekend. Otherwise, they’d be worried sick. But even so…How could you say yes to a total stranger? Even if you were only a few miles out of town, you didn’t know Yangyang. You didn’t know what his intentions could be.

Another part of you told you to trust him. Because what would you do in the woods at night? You couldn’t account for the wolves or the other creatures of the night. You didn’t know who else could linger in the woods.

As far as you could tell, Yangyang was an odd but attractive guy. And if he was offering a separate space for you to sleep in, then you should take it.

_______

There was a snowstorm in a matter of minutes when Yangyang escorted you upstairs. How odd for it to be snowing in early October, you thought. You rejoiced over how your jerk of a crush's party was a bust. You wondered if Sana and Dowoon made it home safely. You wondered if they worried about you now. After they left you in the middle of the road.

Maybe you should stop being friends with them. You felt like you were more disappointed in them with each passing week. You wondered when they would do something for you. It always seemed to fall on you to pick them up from parties and cover for them when their parents called your house when they went to a 21+ club. You just wanted a simple night in to watch a movie and share ghost stories. Maybe they didn’t want to do those things anymore.

You wouldn’t say they grew up but maybe...the three of you just grew apart.

You pushed thoughts of them to the back of your mind as Yangyang stood in front of an ornate door, decorated with flower engravings, painted in several colors. The initials at the bottom were “W.T.”.

Yangyang pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door for you. He handed the set of golden keys to you. “These are yours for the duration of your stay. You can trust no one will come in...Unless it be your wish, y/n.”

He dropped the keys into your hands. “Thank you,” you whispered.

Yangyang smiled. “You are welcome. Supper will be ready in an hour. I’ll come for you when it is time.”

You couldn’t look at him for too long without your eyes burning. He was too radiant. Too beautiful. Almost otherworldly. You looked down at your socks as you entered the room. You shut it gently behind you.

You locked the door from the inside, trusting that Yangyang gave you the only set. You took a sigh of relief as you took in the bedroom.

This had to be a mistake, you thought.

This had to be the master room. It felt like you were in a 19th century penthouse suite, if such a thing had existed. Your room for the night started with a fireplace and a sitting area. When you walked past it, you entered the study area that was bigger than the first floor of your house. You had a massive walk-in closet filled with gowns and shoes of every color. You even had a room full of fine jewelry on display, including tiaras studded with diamonds. Your mouth remained open as you walked through the “bedroom”.

You shouldn’t have access to any of these things. For they must have belonged to someone. Why would Yangyang let you sleep in here?

Lastly, as your heart couldn’t take anymore, the bedroom was plush and luxurious. The carpet embraced the soles of your feet. After resisting the urge to touch everything else in the bedroom, you allowed yourself to sit on the king-sized bed.

Sleeping in this bed would’ve compensated for all of the all-nighters you’ve pulled in your life. It was a shame you wouldn’t be able to sleep that night, though.

You were many things. Naive, innocent, studious, and quite impulsive at times. But you weren’t about to fall asleep in a stranger’s home.

Half an hour passed as you washed up and warmed up by the fireplace.

Yangyang knocked at your door. You thought it odd that he would be escorting you down himself. Shouldn’t he have servants, living in a place like this?

You opened the door and Yangyang stared at you in shock.

“What?” You frowned. You looked exactly the same as you did when you first met him, he realized.

“Were none of the gowns to your liking?” Yangyang asked, genuinely confused.

You did a double take. “What? Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly...Those aren’t mine. I don’t want to take advantage of your hospitality. No more than I already have.”

Yangyang was stunned at your decision. He thought you would have tried on all of the dresses in the past half hour and don the diamond tiara with golden accents...But no...The suite he’d given you was relatively untouched. You were certainly a woman of your word. You would’ve looked stunning in the red sleeveless dress, he thought. He snapped out of it and said, “No matter. You had the option...That’s why I gave you this room. Everything within these mansion walls is at your disposal.”

You laughed. “You’ve done more than enough for me so don’t worry. Now...can we go eat? I really can’t turn down a meal.” You hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

Yangyang laughed at your candor. “Of course.”

As you walked down the grand wooden staircase, you could hear more people in the house. You heard chairs being pulled, laughter, clinking of glasses, and the piano being played.

You turned to Yangyang. “Who...”

Yangyang replied, “My brothers will be joining us for supper.”

“Oh,” you said, surprised. When you entered, you were shocked enough that Yangyang was there. Who knew more people resided here? Up until now, it was so quiet that you could probably hear a pin drop.

That, and Yangyang’s violin. Which you longed to hear again.

You felt quite underdressed upon meeting Yangyang’s brothers in the dining room, which boasted a lot of paintings and miniature statues to the men who stood before you. There was another grand piano in the dining area, where one of Yangyang’s brothers sat and played a lively piece. Three of the brothers were laughing about an anecdote that the tallest of the group told. The final two men sat as...to your surprise, servants finished setting the dining table, lighting the flames of the candles in the center. The servants’ dresses had turned up collars with plain neckties. Yangyang’s brothers all donned suits of dark reds, blues, and grays. They looked like members of a royal family.

At the sight of you, the music stopped and all of the men started moving towards you and Yangyang.

“Yangyang, an introduction is in order,” the pianist asked as he got up from his seat.

“Brothers, this is y/n. She is staying with us before she returns to town in the morning,” Yangyang said, the humor in his voice when he spoke with you vanished. He moved closer to you, you noticed.

The pianist asked for your hand and kissed it. “Enchanted to meet you, y/n. I am Wei Kun, the oldest of the Wei children.”

You coughed, a little shocked at how forward Kun was. It was a culture shock to you. Most boys thought they were too damn special to ever make eye contact with you.

You shook hands with the other brothers. They were all very happy to see you. But you couldn’t quite place what kind of joy it was so you remained on your toes.

“Please, sit,” Winwin said as he led you to the seat right next to the head of the table. Kun sat down at the head of the table and smiled at you. The rest of the brothers joined you.

The servants began to bring out the drinks and the first course. Ten was about to sit next to you when Yangyang immediately claimed the seat.

“Calm down, brother,” Ten said, “It won’t do you harm to let her sit beside someone other than you.”

Yangyang remained in his seat. “She is my guest.”

Ten chuckled as he sat across from you. “So y/n, what brings you to this neck of the woods?”

A servant poured a glass of water for you. “Thank you,” you replied and tried to meet her eyes.

The servant quickly turned away and headed to the kitchen, you assumed. That was odd.

“Well,” you continued, “My friends and I were going to a party in the woods. We got into a fight and I got out of the car that was on the road not too far from here…”

“A car?” Xiaojun frowned, his bold eyebrows furrowed. He took a bite of his salad.

So these men didn’t know phones or cars... “Oh...Well, they’re these machines that can transport people from place to place…”

“Like a carriage?” Yangyang offered.

“Ah.” The rest of the boys said in realization.

You nodded as you drank your water, “Yes, but it runs on gasoline.”

The boys were amazed at your tales about modern technology. You went into as much detail as you could about phones and cars. The boys were an odd bunch. It was almost as if they never left this house.

Although it seemed like that, they told you tales of their travels to Asia, South America, and Europe. They told you about their cultural expeditions and their visits to the natural wonders of the world. Ten, the painter of the family, motioned to the paintings you’d seen earlier. They were paintings of places like Machu Picchu, the Colosseum, and the Parthenon. They were paintings of the places they visited. They were so vivid and lifelike. Ten was an incredible painter. Talent ran in the family, that was a sure thing. You were as much in awe of their tales. You were thankful the spotlight wasn’t on you like you’d expected, being the sole stranger of this household.

You enjoyed the salad, the tomato soup, the roasted duck, and the dessert, which happened to be your favorite: strawberry shortcake.

“Would you care for another slice?” Yangyang asked in a whisper as the other boys talked. He noticed your face come alive at the first bite of the cake.

You nearly choked on the last bite of your slice. You must have looked gluttonous to him. You should’ve eaten slower, you thought. You must have not been very ladylike at that moment. You shook your head. “That’s alright. Thank you. Everything was delicious.”

Yangyang looked at you once again in confusion. You clearly wanted another slice so why weren’t you asking for it, he asked himself. “Very well…” He murmured.

Lucas got up from the table. “Well, Yangyang, the boys and I will retire early...Although we wish you would let us be in y/n’s company…”

Yangyang quickly replied, “Good evening, brothers.”

They all pouted but wished you a good evening.

You laughed. “Your brothers are a lot of fun.”

Yangyang scoffed. “That’s one word for them. The minute they caught wind that I had a visitor, they insisted on joining us for dinner. I am so sorry, y/n. You must have been overwhelmed.”

You shook your head. “It’s nice to know that it isn’t just you in this house.”

Yangyang was stunned at your words. You were so...kind. Thinking of others, always. Thinking of him, basically a total stranger. You were as kind as you were trusting. It made his heart ache.

He pulled your seat back for you. He offered his arm. “Are you tired?”

Exhausted, actually. But once again, you were in a stranger’s house. And now that you knew he wasn’t alone, you wanted to be more on guard.

“Nope...I am wide awake.” You smiled as you took his arm. He was warm to the touch. The electricity ran between both of you.

Yangyang laughed. “What would you like to do, y/n?”

“I’d like to hear you play,” you said.

He was shocked at your honesty. He liked when you expressed yourself honestly most of all.

It was the truth, you thought. Frankly, it was part of your ruse to stay up as late as possible but if Yangyang could keep you entertained, it would certainly help a lot.

And truly, you could listen to his violin for hours.

_______

Back in the music room, you sat on the couch, serving as Yangyang’s audience. He loosened his tie and took off his jacket, setting it aside on a chair. He rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt.

He warmed up his hands and fingers for a few minutes before he tuned the strings of his violin. His fingers were so elegant and slender. The veins of his arms protruded as he flexed his hands. He looked so focused and determined and just unbelievably beautiful. The violin was an extension of his heavenly hands. This was the most attractive he’d ever been. You bit your lip.

You told yourself to calm down, for he was a complete stranger.

Sure, up until this point, he gave you the bedroom of your dreams. A dinner that nearly brought you to tears from the flavor and comfort it gave you. And he was playing his beloved instrument for you...But you couldn’t get attached so quickly.

He couldn’t meet your gaze because the look in your eyes made him feel something he wasn’t prepared to acknowledge. Time had slipped quickly and his heart was deceiving him when it shouldn’t have.

“So...what will you be playing first?” You asked. How many songs could you get out of him before you both retired to your rooms?

Yangyang grinned excitedly. “An original I’ve been working on...I finished composing it today.”

“Really? Today?” You asked.

He gave you the knowing smile he had the moment you met him. “You helped me finish it.”

“Is that so? Well, I’m ready when you are.” You smiled, about to kick your legs up like an overly excited schoolgirl.

“The piece is called ‘Found’,” Yangyang said as he positioned his bow against the strings and began.

Yangyang was truly an otherworldly being, especially under the skylight. The snowstorm was long gone and only the moonlight shone down on him. His skin illuminated like porcelain. His sculpted face tilted as he immersed himself in his song.

You realized the song was the piece he played when you entered the music room the first time. The song was somber at first. The notes were low and left you feeling down. Yangyang’s face was so melancholic at the start of the song. However, as he continued, the notes became lighter and freer, picking up towards the end, signifying hope. Your heart swayed with each three-note chord he played.

You weren’t entirely sure of the story behind the song but meeting you must not have been a low point of his day.

You clapped for Yangyang. “I loved it! It’s...too beautiful to be called merely beautiful...You are so talented.”

Yangyang’s cheeks were now a rosy pink. He bowed for you. “Thank you.”

You laughed giddily. You wished you could’ve recorded this performance, you longed to keep it with you for the rest of your life.

Yangyang continued playing his original pieces. He was truly gifted in his craft. His compositions were nothing to sneeze at. He should be a world-famous musician with all of the work he’d done.

As he played, he would meet your eyes and give you a little smile. You could watch him for hours. He could play for you for hours.

You two were in this perfect little bubble, then. Reality didn’t take effect. It was divine.

Yangyang’s hands grew tired and after his last song, he sat beside you.

“You look sleepy, y/n,” he noted, “Did my performance actually bore you?” He mocked taking offense.

You fought a yawn but couldn’t let it escape you so turned away from him. You lifted a finger and told him to wait.

You let out a yawn, trying not to be noisy. Yes, you were tired. A long day at school, a falling out with your friends, and an evening at the Wei Mansion did its number on you.

You faced Yangyang again. “I’m wide awake.”

Yangyang lifted an eyebrow in skepticism. “Perhaps you would like  something to drink?”

You nodded. “Something warm...Would hot cocoa be possible?”

“Absolutely. It’s a staple at this household this time of year,” he said.

He offered his hand to you and you took it. Both of you were taken aback by how immediate you were to hold hands but neither of you let go as Yangyang led you into the kitchen.

In the kitchen, he tended to you. The servants were nowhere in sight. The mansion felt like it had when you first came in: empty.

It felt like you two were the only people in this house, a world in itself.

He poured you a cup of cocoa he made and you were in love. The cocoa tasted amazing. You drank it slowly, savoring every sip.

You shivered a little from the cold that creeped into the mansion. Yangyang left for a moment and returned with a blanket. He wrapped it around you.

It was plush and made of the softest material you could ever imagine. If you snuggled too much against it, you would fall asleep right then and there.

But your energy started picking up again...It must have been the cocoa.

“We can go into the library...I’ll start up the fire.” Yangyang offered as he drank his cup of cocoa.

It seemed Yangyang was eager to stay awake with you, you thought.

“Aren’t you tired?” You asked.

He looked up from his cup. “What?”

“You don’t have to force yourself to stay up with me. I’m the one who can’t sleep.”

Yangyang knew you were keeping yourself awake on purpose. He knew you didn’t completely trust him or this house. Slowly, however, you opened yourself up to him and he was quite fond of you. He wanted to be by your side for the night. He didn’t know why exactly but he just did.

He met your gaze. “I hope it is not too forward of me to say this...But I want to remain at your side.”

You looked down, flattered at his words. Then, you mustered your courage and met his unwavering stare. “Okay.”

The truth was, you felt safer with Yangyang. And you couldn’t lie to yourself: you liked him. He was kind, attentive, charming, and a wonderful musician. The moment you met him made you forget all of your troubles...if only for a moment.

You two walked into the dome-shaped library. It was bigger than any commercial bookstore. You wondered how old the family’s collection was.

Yangyang started the fire at the fireplace by the reading couches. He motioned for you to take a seat.

You sat down and nearly sank into the couch. It was so comfortable. You were living in the lap of luxury.

“Y/n, are you alright?” Yangyang asked.

You laughed. “Yeah...why?”

“Your eyes rolled to the back of your head,” he said, smiling confusedly.

You laughed again. “It’s because this couch is the most comfortable thing I’ve ever sat on.”

Yangyang smiled and shook his head. “The simplest things please you.”

“Nothing about this house is simple,” you said.

He shook his head, smiling at you and picked up a book off of the shelf. He scanned the title and the summary. “What do you like to read, y/n?”

You answered, “Horror.”

Yangyang’s eyes widened. “Really?”

You nodded. “Yes. I like the suspense and the kinds of creatures the writers come up with.”

Yangyang was wrong to assume you were a romance kind of girl. He’d hoped to woo you with some Shakespeare. He took it in stride and put the book he had back on the shelf. He took a rolling step ladder and positioned it farther away from you. He got up on the steps and picked up another book off the shelf.

“It’s called ‘The Mysterious Mansion’,” he said, biting back a laugh.

“How fitting,” you said, laughing.

You and Yangyang shared a couch as you took turns reading to each other. The story was dark and twisted but got your heart racing.

Well, maybe Yangyang’s being so close to you may have had something to do with it.

The hours pass and you finish off the last page. Yangyang leaned against the other end of the couch and simply watched you. He loved the sound of your voice and the way it cracked.

He gave you a glass of water to relax your voice. He loved how your eyes scanned word for word. The crease between your eyes as you interpreted the author’s words. But you kept on reading aloud. He’d read “The Mysterious Mansion’ several times but this time was his favorite reread.

You could hear Yangyang talk forever when you heard him read the passages. His voice was soothing and full of wonder. The grin on his face right before he read a twist to the story. The crinkle of his nose when he laughed at your reactions. He’d become a friend.

A friend you wanted to kiss.

This was the most fun you’d ever had. This cold October night with this enchanting young man. You kinda wished it would never end but you were still resolved to...Stay...awake…

Your eyes grew heavy and you curled yourself against the couch. You pulled the blanket tighter around you.

Yangyang realized you were drifting. He quickly moved over to you and shook you awake.

You two had stayed up all night and it was nearing daybreak. And he had to move fast.

“Y/n!” He yelled to wake you up.

You grumbled. “What?”

“Please wake up. You need to leave right now,” Yangyang demanded.

You rubbed your eyes and snapped out of it. How the hell did you almost fall asleep, you fool, you thought to yourself. The alarm in Yangyang’s voice also was a cause for concern. “What’s wrong?” You asked.

He shook his head rampantly. “There’s no time to explain. Do you have everything?”

You nodded. “I have to get my coat and boots at the entrance.”

Yangyang grabbed your hand and you both ran towards the entrance. You put your coat and boots on. Yangyang did the same and he nearly dragged you out the door. You quickly moved down the staircase and set foot on the dewy grass. Yangyang kept his foot on the last step of the staircase.

The sky overhead was mostly black but shades of oranges, pinks, and red were breathing through. Dawn was imminent.

That was when you realized you had no mittens. You’d left them in the bedroom.

Yangyang noticed your bare hands. He pulled off his royal blue mittens and slipped them onto your hands.

“You don’t have to-“ You started.

“I want you to have them. A fair trade. Yours for mine?” He smiled.

He squeezed your hands before he let them go.

“Thank you...for tonight, Yangyang,” you said. Even though it was through the weather and the night that you had no other choice, you had a magical night with a boy who was so wonderful, he must’ve been out of a classic novel. He’d treated you like a friend and listened to you: about what you wanted to do and what you liked. You’d wished you could’ve gotten to know him more but you appreciated that he listened to you attentively.

You were sad the night had ended but you’d succeeded in staying up nearly the whole night at least. You were meant to leave now. You’d overstayed your welcome and you needed to get home. That was the most important thing.

Yangyang moved closer to you and moved some hair away from your face. He touched your cheek with the back of his hand. Once again, you both did something with no thought.

You got up on the staircase and kissed him. He pulled you in to deepen the kiss. He picked you up off the ground as he continuously took your breath away.

But as quickly as this piece of utter bliss started, it quickly ended.

He let you go and set you down on the grass. “Goodbye, y/n.”

“Goodbye, Yangyang.” As you walked into the forest, you turned back once more and watched as Yangyang stood there, his face unreadable.

You waved at him and his expression softened as he waved back.

You laughed as you turned back now and kept on moving. The path to the main road took a little longer than expected because it was still dark. However, the sun rose before you knew it and you were able to see the main road again.

And you were shocked to find several people on the main road. Cop cars were parked off the side of the road. A news reporter for Channel 23 News could be heard saying.

“It is Day 8 into the search for y/n y/l/n. She was last seen on this road, Road 116 by her friends and has not returned home. If you have seen y/n or have any information that can help our police force find her, please call the number on the screen: 1-800-RES-CUES. Again, that’s 1-800-RES-CUES.”

Dowoon and Sana were being interviewed by another news station.

Dowoon was on the brink of tears, his eyes stained red. “This is all our fault.”

Choking on her tear, Sana continued, “We shouldn’t have left her on the road...We thought she went home...We were so stupid…”

What the hell was going on?

You walked into the road and several people turn to you in shock. They gasped and screamed your name.

Your parents broke out of the crowd of people that has accumulated. “Y/n!” They both yell.

They run up to you and wrap their arms around you, weeping hysterically.

Your mom yelled, “Y/n, where have you been? My baby!”

Your dad held your face in his hands, “What happened to you? Are you alright?”

You were shocked at their reaction. “What are you guys doing here? I thought you guys were in New York until tomorrow.”

Your parents, not letting you go, gave each other a meaningful look.

Your mom’s eyebrows furrowed. “Tomorrow? Y/n, we came back a week ago.”

You laughed in disbelief. “No, you guys left Friday morning, yesterday morning.”

Your dad shook his head. “Y/n, you’ve been missing for a week now.”

You laughed again. “No...You guys are messing with me.”

But then you looked around at all of the worried looks on the people’s faces. The police officers came right over. You even saw Dowoon and Sana sobbing not too far from Sana’s car.

“You guys...I stayed in a mansion not too far from here for the night because of the snow…”

“What mansion? What snow?” Your parents asked in unison.

You darted your eyes to everyone else and whispered to them. “Come with me.”

“Y/n, we need to get you home…” Your mom pleaded.

You shook your head. “I need to show you where I was and that I wasn’t in danger.”

“Y/n, we should tell the police-” Your father offered.

“No!” You snapped. “Please trust me. He didn’t do anything to me. He’s my friend.”

At the mention of “he”, your parents were up in arms and motioned for the police to come over.

“We will go with you, y/n…” Your mom said.

She meant that they’ll go with you if you have a police escort.

You shook your head and led the party to the mansion. You couldn’t believe this. Missing for seven days? That was impossible. You’d only been gone for the night. How could anyone have known you’d been gone? Your parents were away.

Once you got out of the forest to the Wei mansion, you saw that there was no mansion. Only an abandoned cabin.

What?

“Is this where you were detained, y/n?” Police Officer A asked.

“I was not detained. This isn’t the mansion I-”

“A mansion?” Everyone looked at you skeptically.

You entered the cabin, knowing that everything you believed in was slipping through your fingers. Tears quickly ran down your cheeks. The cabin was shabby, the furniture inside covered in dust. It had been unlived in for quite some time.

“Y/n!” Your parents yelled.

The police rushed in after you and Police Officer B held you back. “Let me go!” You demanded.

“It’s dangerous.”

The police officers searched the entire cabin three times over and came up with nothing. “There is no trace of anyone having been here for years,” Police Officer A said.

Well, of course not, this wasn’t the mansion that you stayed at.

Clearly, the more time passed, the more concerned everyone looked. It was possible you heard the words “rehab” and “therapy” and “mental break” thrown around.

You had to calm down. You knew you weren’t crazy. You knew it because you wore Yangyang’s gloves.

Yangyang.

Where is he? Where were his brothers? Where was the Wei mansion?

Police Officer B released you and you browsed the area. Your parents trailed behind you. You entered one of the bedrooms, encased in dust. You sneezed and found a chest with a lock on it. The chest was engraved with the letter “W” at the center. 

You recognized the engraving. It was the same handwriting from the bedroom door in the Wei Mansion. Your bedroom door...The keys.

You remembered you still had them in your pocket. It was a long shot but you pulled them out. You placed the key inside of the lock and opened the chest.

You found seven porcelain dolls. The dolls were more sophisticated than any doll sold at the local stores. They were almost lifelike. The way their eyes and lips were drawn. Each doll bared a striking resemblance to the Wei brothers. You could see them all: Kun, Ten, Winwin, Lucas, Xiaojun, Hendery, and…

Yangyang.

The last doll was definitely Yangyang. The doll held a toy violin and wore…

Your ruby red mittens.

Fin.

_______

Epilogue.

Yangyang sat in the music room alone, holding on tightly to your red mittens.

Hendery charged into the room. His brothers trailed behind. “You fool! Why did you let her go?”

Yangyang shrugged. “I’ve had it.”

“What are you talking about?” Xiaojun demanded. “You were smitten with her. She was clearly enamored with you.”

Kun laughed. “It’s because he’s in love with her.”

All of the boys looked at their oldest brother, confused. Yangyang avoided their stares.

“You changed your mind,” Kun murmured.

Yangyang sighed, “She was not like-”

Winwin rolled his eyes. “Please do not give us the story of ‘she was not like other girls’. She seduced you and you let her go. You fell for her game. She outsmarted you.”

Yangyang snapped. “Do not test me, brother.”

Ten interjected. “Okay, okay, everyone needs to calm down...We are just curious...Why? She could have stayed here with us forever...With you forever.”

Yangyang didn’t want to speak to them. Every moment that passed, he missed you more. “She did not wear the jewels or the dresses...She left everything untouched. She did not come to us because she sought material possessions. She wanted a friend…”

Lucas laughed. “How pathetic.”

Yangyang groaned. “You lot would not understand…”

“Do not act like you are better than us, little brother,” Kun began condescendingly.

“I am not-”

“You think you’re better than us because you let a prisoner go this time, do you not? Well, let me bring you back to reality. Our spirits are confined into those tacky porcelain dolls...So what do we do to ease ourselves? We bring people into this realm to reside with us. Materialistic, selfish, and vain people. Y/n is no different from the rest of them.”

“Shut up,” Yangyang muttered.

The rest of the boys were stunned to silence but Kun heard him clearly. “Repeat that, Yangyang. You know the consequences.”

Yangyang got up and shoved your mittens in his pockets. “Shut up, Kun.”

Kun smiled and laughed. The other boys faked laughter so as not to upset Kun even more. His smile quickly faded as he punched Yangyang to the ground.

Kun gave Yangyang a harsh beating and the rest of the brothers watched. No one dared to step in and upset Kun even further. Yangyang couldn’t blame his brothers. Besides, he wanted this. He wanted to feel a pain other than the pain of missing you. 

He may have been damned for the rest of eternity but he was thankful to have met you. You proved to him that not everyone could be consumed by the deadly sins, as he and his brothers had. You were an angel that gave you a moment of compassion, of affection. And for that he would always be thankful.

_______

Come back tomorrow the third installment in our Halloween Series! :) 

#wayv yangyang #nct yangyang #nct 2020 yangyang #yangyang imagine #yangyang boyfriend #yangyang scenario #wayv #yangyang #liu yangyang #nct au #nct imagine #nct halloween blurb #nct halloween #nct one shot #wayv one shot #wayv oneshot #wayv au #nct x reader #wavy x reader #yangyang x reader #nct aesthetic #kpop scenarios #kpop imagine #kpop boyfriend #yangyang fluff #nct fluff #nct fantasy #nct romance #nct drama #rich boy yangyang

[softieteez]

backstory

warning: death, cancer, drinking, mental abuse, some physical abuse, cussing, crying, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, child neglect

genre: angst

summary: before ivy even got to her teen years, things were more difficult than most adults lives. from losing her dad, to experiencing neglect.

a/n: ivy’s story is pretty deep. feel free to skip this post if you are triggered by anything listed. also i’ll be using her birth name a lot throughout this story.

languages: normal = english. italic = korean

olivia min was born june 4, 2001 in michigan. she is the youngest of three siblings. miya, the oldest, was born february 20, 1997. and austin, the middle child, was born august 4, 1999.

growing up, olivia had an amazing relationship with her family members. her parents were always really supportive of anything she wanted to do. and her siblings, were annoying, but they all love each other so much. the family was pretty middle class, maybe more upper middle class. they had enough money to buy nice things and go on trips, which was nice and it gave the kids experiences they’d always remember.

when she was a baby, the families friend jax, had given her the nickname ‘ivy.’ the name stuck with him and eventually spread to friends at school. but her family members always called her olivia or jisoo, her korean name.

in school she was a social butterfly, running around recess practically collecting friends like they were collectors items. and because of her loving nature, no one could say no. she’s also very smart, she’s always had straight a’s and was usually willing to participate in class. teacher would say she was a sweet and smart little girl, and of course she could make the class burst into giggles at any second.

olivia started dancing at the young age of 4 when her parents enrolled her into dance classes. there, she met new friends and became one of the best youth dancers in their town.

her grandparents lived in ohio, which meant a lot of the times they would travel there for the holidays. olivia had a friend named aggy that lived there.

aggy lived next door to ivy’s grandparents. she was diagnosed with leukemia only five months before meeting the family, this was when ivy was maybe 7 years old.

through the years, ivy excelled in everything from piano lessons that she started when she was 5, to even cooking. she was a cheerful and happy little girl. until she reached age 9 when her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.

this was a huge reality hit. she didn’t really understand it though, her dad was healthy. until he wasn’t. she remembers that day so clearly

“where’s mom and dad?” olivia asked walking into the kitchen and seeing her sister sitting next to their sleeping brother on the couch

“hospital, grandma and grandpa will be here in a few hours. for now our neighbors are gonna look after us”

“hospital? but why?” the little girl tilted her head

“i don’t know olivia. go back to sleep it’s early” miya did know, she saw her dad getting worse and worse as the months went on. but the last thing anyone wanted to do was worry anymore people. especially austin and olivia.

“okay…” she responded and went back toward her bedroom.

a few hours later she woke up to her grandma shaking her awake “wake up olivia. grandpa and i brought lunch.” the elderly woman spoke

olivia smiled at her grandmother as she sat up and stretched. the girl walked to the kitchen.

she still remembers all the yummy food her grandparents made, now knowing it was out of grief. later that night was when her parents revealed the truth to the kids.

and suddenly her whole world collapsed.

she would miss dance class and sometimes even school because her father would be in the hospital. because her mom and dad were always gone, she and her other siblings were expected to help around the house. occasionally with their grandparent by their side.

when she turned 10, she didn’t have much of a birthday blow out. and her present was some nail polish because that was all her family could afford at the time. when she turned 11, they spent her birthday in the hospital. her dads condition became so much worse that he wasn’t able to leave the hospital.

“i’m sorry you have to spend your birthday like this livvy” her dad held her had. his skin was paler than usual. colder too.

“it’s okay dad, i’m just happy we’re all here” she smiled as she held back tears. but her dad knew she wanted to cry.

“me and your mom got you something” he smiled and looked at his wife. the woman smiled sadly and reach in her purse to pull out a small purple box.

olivia grabbed the box from her mothers hand and opened it slowly. a beautiful butterfly necklace was revealed.

“it took a little while for us to find the perfect one” her moms sniffled. “we wanted you to love it”

thinking back on that moment. ivy now understood they wanted it to be special because it would be the last gift she would ever receive from her father.

“thank you mommy. thank you daddy” she whispered and pecked her dads forehead.

sadly, on june 29, her father passed away in the middle of the night. for some reason, her brain blocks this moment out. it’s all a blur.

her and her sister were sleeping on the little couch the nurses had set up and her brother was laying on the sleeping bag he had brought on the floor. it happened so suddenly. she woke up to her mom hysterically crying and weeping.

her brother and sister were frantic as nurses guided them three of them out of the room. but she does remember the last look she had at her dad.

he didn’t look real, more like a painting. or a sculpture maybe. his skin was practically white and his body was lifeless.

her whole family was in a depression, especially her mom. after losing her husband, she started drinking to numb the pain.

her grandparents left ohio and went back to korea completely unannounced. it was up to miya and austin to take care of themselves, each other, and of course olivia.

after a month of her fathers passing. the family had got a call from aggy’s mom informing them that aggy passed away july 25. so now she lost her dad and her best friend. along with that her mom isn’t stable enough to take care of her and her siblings, and her grandparents were m.i.a.

when she turned 12, that’s when her moms drinking got worse. she was living off of beer and tv dinners. she was also now mentally abusive toward her children.

austin became the child that started work. he would work late at night and then go to school all day. he was responsible for the families income at age 14.

miya was rarely ever home as well, but she was gone to escape their mom. she would rebel, hang out with her boyfriend, who ivy later found out was physically abusive.

then ivy was the kid that did the chores. she would also clean the neighbors houses to help pay her dance fees. the neighbors would always feel bad so they’d usually give her $30 for each chore she did. that was barely enough though.

and somehow, none of their friends ever noticed anything. except for austin’s, he’s always shut down plans to work and was overly tired all the time. but the friends did start noticing behavior changes

ivy became really depressed and spent most of her days just waiting for them to end.

the family got some income from the bank after the fathers passing. the kids were all in his will, earning $114k each. but they wouldn’t receive that until age 18.

around this time, ivy got into contact with her grandparent. begging day after day to move their and live out her dream of being an idol. her siblings would even call and beg the grandparents to let her, not wanting her to experience this life anymore.

after months of begging, her grandparents finally agreed to move her out to korea. she had already submitted audition videos to big companies like sm, jyp, yg, bighit etc.

she was 13 when she was officially moved into korea. she lived with her grandma and grandpa for a month before moving into the jyp dorms. she trained there for a year before being sent off to audition for produce 101.

during this time, she experienced great stress. her anxiety and depression led to suicidal thoughts and almost had to leave the show because of it. many fans who were supporting her throughout the show noticed her getting skinnier and skinnier by the episode.

somi, who became her best friend instantly, was also worried for her. ivy felt bad that she was worrying people. but she couldn’t help it, her mind controlled her. her thoughts were always telling her to do something. she would practice all the time and forget to eat.

somi would often watch after her to make sure she would at least eat a bagel and drink water everyday.

it wasn’t long before ivy would share her story, only parts of it publicly. her story reached american headlines, meaning her family and friends had seen it.

she was struggling for years. and it was only recently when she found inner happiness. she worked hard during produce, and didn’t win. and of course, she left jyp and moved to kq where she met her life long friends.

her boys have helped her so much, they were there to listen to her story, to hug her when she cried.

those are her boys, her family. her home.

#ateez #added member #kpop #ateez 9th member #ateez imagines #ateez fluff #hongjoong #jongho #mingi #san #yunho #seonghwa #wooyoung #yeosang #yeosang imagines #yunho imagines #mingi imagines #wooyoung imagines #hongjoong imagines #seonghwa imagines #jongho imagines #san imagines #ivy update #ivy #kpop imagines #fanfiction #ateez ninth member

[azenkii]

 ATLA Fic Rec 

because I've been spending way too much time reading it. Btw, this is a rec for gen fics and zukka fics.

Note: an asterisk after the description means that the fic or series is incomplete. (Sadly, this is a lot of them, but I'm pretty sure most of these fics are still currently updating.)

GEN:

Anything by MuffinLance is a must-read. my personal favourites are Salvage (where Hakoda ends up with one (1) grumpy new prisoner/crewmate/adopted son) and Little Zuko v the World (where Zuko is 12, and it's adorable).

The Family You Choose by TunaFishChris is a god-tier platonic soulmate au about zuko and the gaang, so like...go read that right now

The kintsugi series by discordiansamba is an AU where Toph's parents hire Zuko-as-Lee to be a bodyguard for her, and I love it so much. It has some of the best Toph-and-Zuko sibling bonding I've ever seen. *

Dragon Moon by Satirrian is a Dragon! Zuko AU and it's incredible. It also features Bounty Hunter Zuko, so do with that what you will. *

The What We're Given series by Haicrescendo is *chef's kiss*. It's an AU where Zuko flipped his father off early on into his banishment and started living his best life with Iroh. Enter the Gaang. Shenanigans ensue. *

The Internment series by Hannahmayski is another Zuko breaks free from his dad early AU, and it's also really good. Basically, Zuko was never given the option to capture the Avatar, making his banishment indefinite. He sails around with his crew fighting the Fire Nation and it's great. *

The best way to solve your problems (is to help someone else) by hewwodarkness is an AU where kids start disappearing in Ba Sing Se during Book 2, and Zuko takes it upon himself to do a little vigilantism. It's fantastic. *

The Blue Spirit AU series by H_Faith_Marr is an AU starting from, surprise surprise, the Blue Spirit episode. The Gaang takes in Zuko without knowing who he is, and the Power of Friendship™ goes to work on Zuko. *

The the first rule of earth kingdom fight club... series by ohmygodwhy is an AU where Zuko, among other things, fights in underground cage matches, meets Toph early, and realises that his dad might be wrong. It’s pretty funny and really good. *

The The Non-Existent Twin series by FoiblePNoteworthy is hilarious. It's an AU where Zuko poses as his own twin, Li, and the Gaang buys it hook line and sinker. *

The Guilt (The Jet Adopts Zuko AU) series by FoiblePNoteworthy is also really good. Like the title says, it’s a Zuko joins the Freedom Fighters AU. *

The new ways series by blueseam is just a Zuko and the Gaang bonding fic, mostly set in the Western Air Temple, with a side of Zuko not taking care of himself and the Gaang stepping up to the job. If you’re like me and am an absolute sucker for Zuko and the Gaang, go read this.

The Family Matters series by WinterSky101 is a really good fic if you’re looking for Hakoda and Zuko. That’s all I have to say: Hakoda and Zuko.

a nation, held by snowdarkred is a GREAT Fire Nation & Zuko fic - set before and during canon, not after it. Go read it, right now.

Notable mentions: a lot of works by naggeluide are gen and pretty funny, though if you don't headcanon any of the characters as LGBT+ you might not like some of them.

ZUKKA:

anything by Haicrescendo and dickpuncher420. For Haicrescendo, my personal favourite is the Carry On For You series, and for dickpuncher420, it’s love language.

sirens & sleepless nights by Satirrian is a modern AU that just borders on dystopian. Ba Sing Se has been overtaken by the Fire Nation, Zuko is a soldier who broke away from the Fire Nation and got shot for it, and Sokka finds Zuko on the street and brings him inside. It’s amazing, go read it!

do you take this jerk to be (your one and only) by jatersade is a fic that I’m 90% sure is on every zukka fic rec list, and it deserves to be. It’s an arranged marriage AU where Zuko is engaged to Yue, and Sokka is his cultural guide. *

midnight runs and other things by isamagicdragon is a modern AU where Zuko keeps sleepwalking into Sokka’s apartment. Shenanigans ensue. Also, top-tier Zuko, Mai and Ty Lee interactions. *

Unchained Melody by avocadolove is another fic that I see a lot on rec lists, and it 100% deserves it. It’s a long fic (as of now, it’s at 63.8k) and is an AU where Sokka, after getting taken to the Spirit World by Heibai, ends up as a ghost that only Zuko can see. Ft. great enemies-to-friends-to-lovers and an incredible plot. *

Ozymandias, King of Kings by Think_of_a_Wonderful_Thought is SO good. It’s an AU where, instead of being banished, Zuko was sent to work in a coal mine/prison, which eventually becomes the target of a Water Tribe raid after Aang’s return. It can get pretty dark, so watch out for that, and it’s really long (as of now, 168.8k). But trust me, it’s worth it. *

Heart Beat Here by thefangirlingdead is an adorable Modern AU oneshot where Zuko, while shopping for engagement rings with Katara, freaks out when Sokka lies about where he is. It’s a happy ending, don’t worry. One of my favourite fics.

feels like we only go backwards by oldpotatoe and A Certain Slant of Light by JustGettingBy are both amnesia fics where Sokka loses his memory several years after the war. They’re both so, so good. A Certain Slant of Light is finished, but feels like we only go backwards is not.

reality strikes, so bring back the night by zukkababey is a time-travel oneshot where Western-Air-Temple Sokka wakes up in the future to find his older self married to one (1) Fire Lord Zuko. Fluffy and funny. 

maybe i just see you (in everything) by epicbubbles is a really cute Modern AU oneshot with love confessions and just fluff all around. 10/10 go read it!!

it’s the illusion of separation by argentoswan is a fic that has legendary status and it absolutely deserves it. God-tier Modern AU where Sokka ends up working at the Jasmine Dragon alongside his former high school bully, Zuko. (Kind of) enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, and it’s just...SO good. *

say you like your shirt soggy by crosspin is a reallyyy nice 5+1 fic. It’s Modern AU, and it’s pretty short (3.7k), but the amount of yearning that gets packed into that 3.7k,,,,*chef’s kiss*

and they were roommates by flydunes is another Modern AU where sokka puts up an ad for a roommate. Zuko moves in, and Sokka gets a crush. It’s just good vibes all around :) *

like blood from a stone by catalinacat is a Soulmate AU that took a completely different direction with the soulmate trope. The summary does a better job of explaining it than I can. *

absence of heat, excess of destiny by theycallmesuperboy is one of the best soulmate AUs out there. it’s not too long, only 4.3k words, but it covers the entire series and then some. Seriously, go read this.

it isn’t strange, but it’s true by theholyterror is a 5+1 post-canon fic with some of the best pining I’ve ever seen, ft. Ambassador Sokka and Fire Lord Zuko. The 5+1 is times Zuko went out of his way to touch Sokka.  *

like the sun inside of you by ofherlionheart is another post-canon fic, and it’s incredible so far. the first chapter alone is 23k, so it’s already a decently long read. *

the stemverse: earth science zuko au series by acezukos is a REALLY good Modern/University AU. So far, it only has one work (earth system history) but that work is already *chef’s kiss*. The series is incomplete, but earth system history is complete!

rebellion’s such a hushed affair by zeitgeistofnow is a fantastic Modern AU that, like sirens & sleepless nights, borders on dystopian. Actually, I think it is dystopian, but it hasn’t been tagged as such. Anyway, 10/10, go read it right now immediately

Mark Time by foil is a Modern AU where Sokka ghosted Zuko years ago, and they get brought back together by Aang and Katara’s wedding. It’s really good, but the fic has some pretty heavy content, so make sure you read the warnings. *

That birds would sing and think it were not night by HisMomoness is a Modern AU that has Zuko tutoring Sokka, with absolute top-tier pining. Like, seriously, the pining is insane. Superr good

this love burns so yellow (becoming orange and in its time, exploding) by meliebee is one of the best post-canon fics I’ve ever read. It features a civil war in the Fire Nation (that gets resolved about halfway through) and some great Toph and Zuko interactions, as well as some Grade A pining. 

boy problems by burnt_oranges is FANTASTIC post-canon and has sokka and zuko in an accidental arranged marriage, plus some attempted assassinations. It’s great.

zuko vs the homie sexual agenda by parmigiano has Zuko and Sokka pining for each other in Ikea. Do I need to say more?

Friendship Bracelets by peachcitt is a Modern AU best friends to lovers. Pretty short (4.9k), but the pining is immaculate.

isn’t this the vision that you wanted by nebulastucky is INCREDIBLE, I read it recently because it just got completed and it’s *chef’s kiss*. It’s post-canon ft. mutual pining and some reallyyy good ‘and there was only one bed’ scenes.

Real Slow and no one knows anything but us by surveycorpsjean and quidhitch respectively are two of my favourite post-canon Ambassador Sokka and Fire Lord Zuko fics. Go check them out!

The Duke’s a Hazard by naggeluide is a really nice AU starting from the Western Air Temple, where the Duke decides that Sokka and Zuko are now his new parents. They bond over coparenting, and the (kind of) enemies-to-friends-to-lovers is really good. Plus, it’s funny.

Those Who Favor Fire by CSHfic and VSfic is a really good fic of the Spymaster Sokka AU. If you don’t know what that is, it’s an AU where Sokka fakes his death and goes undercover in an organisation that wants to kill Zuko.

Fics I added after posting (so far, all Zukka):

The Road Between Action and Inaction by Donvex is a fic that I can't believe I left out the first time?? It's a modern hitchhiking AU and it's great.

Rituals of the Ocean Floor by Donvex is a nice one too. It's only around 2.2k words, but it's a Fox Spirit!Zuko and Sharkman!Sokka AU, and I just really like the writing style.

by the stars above, i knew we were in love by theycallmesuperboy and The Fate of Nations in Our Hands by sapphic_ambitions are both top-tier post-canon fics. Be warned: by the stars above is a liiiittle bit angsty.

blue's clues by parmigiano is a really good Modern AU where Sokka, a university student journalist, gets ahold of the phone number of the Blue Spirit, a new campus vigilante. He ends up talking to the Blue Spirit to get an interview out of him, and it's really cute!

Honourable mention: the Avatar Zuko series by the_cloud_whisperer is one of the best series I've ever read, and it's really long - it got completed about a month ago, with 493.6k words in total (415k if you ignore the extra work made up of author's notes). It develops all the characters really well, especially Lu Ten, but the main ship is Zukaang. Personally, my biggest problem with Zukaang is the age difference, and Aang is aged up to be Zuko's age (or older, I think? I don't really remember) in this. I kept reading it because the plot was too good to give up, and I do highly recommend it, but yeah.

I’ll add more fics if I remember them, but this is what I had bookmarked. Also, shameless self plug here because I also write ATLA fic @ azenki on ao3

#atla #zukka #fic rec #zukka fic rec