#(( granted ive never had a thought ever so this isnt news ))

[tokyogruel]

Tell me more about the idea that muu is lying and not actually rich please. Ive only ever seen one other person consider that before but they never elaborated + changed their mind post INMF so im really curious. Like what do you think supports it?

im so sorry this took me a few days, work tends to drain me a lot more than id like haha

but i would be more than happy to elaborate!

unfortunately a few of my claims are based off of evidence/supportive pieces that are in a discord server i no longer have access to, so please forgive me

to start off, it was pointed out to me at one point that muu goes to a more expensive private school, though there are grants and scholarships that allow those without the proper funding to attend these schools regardless of their financial status (i.e. haruhi in ouran high school host club). i believe muu is a very intelligent young girl who is capable of earning one of these scholarships easily

muu also has a recurring theme of "foreigner in a place that is new and scary to her" her being a blonde-haired light-eyed half-french, lesbian GNC-girl in a private school filled with dark-haired dark-eyed japanese straight feminine girls. muu is the kind of person who likely feels totally outcast by her peers.

as well, taking a peek at this conversation in after pain:

with a very rough translation (i am not proficient in japanese, but this is the gist of the conversation)

it should be noted that muu's friends "A-" and "Sayu" appear to be talking about muu as if she is not present in the conversation, and their tone is almost mocking. muu retorts by claiming she has plenty more, and that her lipstick (which they are likely making fun of her for it being a cheap brand, though im not sure about this detail) is just an extra she had on hand. she gets defensive, and is likely lying to protect her "rich girl who has everything" image.

i would also like to point out that muu seems to have gotten nothing in return for her lipstick- and was likely lending it to her friend with no expectation. muu acts like she isnt a giving person, but genuinely seems to be thoughtful and generous towards those she cares about. this can also be seen with muu giving haruka "hand-me-down" hair clips. its a small gesture, but haruka wears and appreciates them- they keep his uncut hair out of his eyes, and its a small piece of her that he can wear. its a thoughtful gift

and secondly... doesnt anybody else think that its weird that weve seen NOTHING about her home life? with other prisoners, we see at least two aspects of their lives, if not more. haruka with his house v. the forest. yuno in the car, on the stairs, in the brothel-room, on dates. fuuta in the tunnel, the arcade, on the basketball court. shidou in his house, hospital, greenhouse. mahiru in the forest, her house, several pictures of her on outings in TIHTBILWY. kazui in his house and the bar, on the altar. amane in her house, on the street, though MAGIC primarily takes place in her "inner world". mikoto in his home and train station. kotoko in the warehouse, a bar, on the streets etc.

muu's videos take place entirely in her school. even her inner-world with the bright white walls and floors, where herself and her peers are bugs- its still her mental depiction of school. her home life is totally void in her videos. why? sure, it may not be important to her murder- but maybe, its more important than what we see in after pain and inmf

did you know that most bullies use bullying as a way to cope with lack of control in their lives? that bullies most often face harrassment at home, and that school is their only escape from abuse? those who bully their peers often mirror their own parents' actions towards them. school is likely the only place where muu has any sense of control in her life. yes, its bad that she bullied her peers, but she is a child who has no proper outlet for the pain that she faces

(i also believe that her hourglass imagery lends to a cycle of violence- that muu was likely bullied, became the bully, and lost her status only to get bullied once more)

but im going on a tangent

unfortunately at this point i am running out of steam and good examples to lend to why i believe muu is poor (please, if anyone else has any evidence to back this up, please do add on to this post! i love to hear the community's thoughts!)

but for one last, small point. let's take a look at muu's lunch. a simple bento

this bento is very small (a side note: i am also of the opinion that muu struggles with an ED) and it consists of a few simple ingredients.

a leaf of lettuce, cherry tomatoes, rice, a small amount of sauce, a single hot dog cut in the shape of an octopus, and what appears to be a hunk of protein, like chicken

well, thats not a lot of food. certainly nothing high-quality or expensive. lets take a look at some school lunches in japan. lets search up "学校 べんと" "gakkou bento" "school bento" and look at the images

muu's lunch certainly doesnt look all that filling. it most certainly does not look bougie and expensive

edit: i would also like to note that she parallels shidou as a partner prisoner. both feature the concept of lying and upholding a good image of oneself

#milgram #kusunoki mu #kusunoki muu #muu kusunoki #mu kusunoki #ミルグラム #creature speaks #YAY!! yEAH!!! YIPPEE!!! #FREE MY GIRL SHE DID NO WRONG

[hedonicghost]

don’t ask me what my thoughts are behind this because i promise you i have none

#obey me #obey me shall we date #omswd #obey me leviathan #leviathan obey me #(( granted ive never had a thought ever so this isnt news )) #(( also fun fact but this specific levi uses they/them pronouns because transgenderism [im trans] )) #(( anyway theyre cute and i love them i have no idea whyre theyre standing like that dont ask me ask them )) #(( also i want their fit hand it over )) #🔪 #scritch #err

[melancholyblues0]

𝓌𝒽𝑜 𝓃𝑒𝑒𝒹𝓈 𝓎𝑜𝓊

𝒸𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝓇𝑒𝑒 : 𝒽𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝑜𝓃𝑒

brian may x reader series

warnings : swearing, that’s it rlly tbhh

a/n : so i was planning on posting last week but i got completely caught up in my new job lol so im only just posting now !! so sorry about the wait. ive already started the next chapter, and i was planning on spice but we’re going for a plot twist instead 🤨 the smut is definitely coming i promisee, im tryna build up the courage bc smut isnt my strong suit but im practising (that sounded a bit odd but you get what i meann). so. voilá :)

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

y/n groaned, rubbing her head as she sat up in bed. her pager lit up beside her, grabbing her attention. she scrambled over to read the notification she'd been sent - from brian. she immedietly smiled as she swiped the hair from her eyes, as she reached for her phone to ring him.

"y/n ! hi - i need to ask you a favour. anita is going away for the weekend with the women, and i'm supposed to be at the studio with the guys. it would be absolutely amazing if you would be able to babysit the girls tonight for me ? jimmy is completely unreliable and i can't leave them by themselves."

you'd completely forgotten about the 'women's trip". you'd managed to uninvite yourself, claiming you had homework due in. this would be the perfect opportunity to spend some more time with brian. granted, he would be out tonight, but you had all of saturday, and if you were lucky, at least until sunday evening with him. you quickly checked the time - it was almost eleven am, meaning the ladies had most definitely already left for the holiday home down south.

"hey, of course i'm free tonight. you're lucky i'd spun a lie to get out of that godforesaken trip." you laughed, hearing him chuckle also down the line. "i must be a very lucky man. the girls are already at school, and i'm at the studio just now. i've left a key in the flower basket near the door, just let yourself in at any time. i should have enough time to pick them up later, but i won't be able to stop for long. they really want this bloody album finished soon." he sighed. y/n chuckled, before letting him know she'd head over soon. "will you be back tonight ?" you asked, hoping he would. "yes, definitely late. you're more than welcome to crash at mine. i know you're only over the road, but i worry about the girls." he replied scratching his forehead as he leant against the doorway. you smiled; it was nice to see that he genuinely cared for his daughters' safety, unlike your father. "of course. just let me know when you're way and such." you replied, beginning to get out of bed. you both said your goodbyes, and hung up.

- - -

after slipping on a pair of shorts and a jumper far too large for you, you packed a small overnight bag and wrote a note for xavier, telling him where everything was. knowing your father, he wasn't exactly reliable, and whether he would actually come home was a mystery. you and xavier had bets on who he was cheating on your mother with - his secretary, or florence. you personally were betting on florence. you'd seen the looks they gave each other at gatherings, and how the so often ended up being absent at the same time. you didn't really care, but you also didn't blame him if he was. your mother was an absolute nightmare, and an absolute bitch to everyone (to put it lightly). you walked over to brian's place, and opened the door after finding the key amongst the dirt, and stepped inside. it was almost exactly the same as yours, but seemed bigger almost. it could've been the open planned ground floor, though. you set your bag next to the sofa, and sat down, and making yourself comfortable. you glanced over at the array of women's magazines sprawled on the coffee table - obviously anita's doing. there was something about her entitlement that annoyed you. the little side glances and once overs she'd give you when you went within a five mile radius of her husband. that day at the country club seemed like almost a trick, a game. after he'd defended you from mark. he wouldn't have done the same for her; not for the past five years anyway. they'd drifted long before you'd been in the picture, if you were even in the picture in the first place. to most, you were just the innocent but rebellious neighbour, simply doing a favour for brian. but to anita, you were a home wrecking, conniving little bitch who needed putting in her place. you were just a naive little girl to her, trying to take something that wasn't yours, not even to look at. you'd gotten bored quite quickly thinking about anita, and what she so clearly thought of you. you got up to look around the house; the kitchen, the girls' rooms, the toilets, and brian's room. you smiled as you saw a small section of the wall covered in polaroids. you looked closer, and realised it was every city he'd visited while on tour, all the way back to their first ever tour. you smiled - he looked so happy, and so young. he wouldn't have been much older than you in some of the pictures from the early 70's.

you left the room quickly, not wanting to seem weird if he turned up with the girls and found you looking around his bedroom. it was almost four, and realised that the girls would be back any minute. you heard the door open, and louise and emily walked in, brian not far behind them. "dad, i don't need a baysitter. i'm fifteen-"

"only just, lou. it's just one night. just think of it as extra company."he laughed, before catching your eye. "nice to see you, y/n," he smiled, before walking over to the kitchen. "and yourself. how's recording going ?" you asked, although by the look of brian's face, it wasn't going well. "don't ask. freddie and roger both have a stick up their arses today, and keep biting each other's heads off. we're no where nearer to finishing the album than we were two weeks ago," he groaned, setting the glass of water on the table before sitting next to you. "sounds rough. i'm here all night, so take as long as you want. you're more than welcome to go for a cheeky pint before you come home, if you want."you smiled, nudging his shoulder. he shook his head, laughing good heartedly. he explained the girls' usual routines, and also added that louise would be fine, she's just being a 'teenager' as he'd put it. you'd gotten on well with lou at the party last week - you were sure she'd be fine. "i'll try and get home when i can, but i'll give you a ring when i'm on my way." he smiled, kissing your temple. you blushed furiously, smiling to hide your panic. he headed out, leaving you with the girls. you thought of calling your mother - you never did, but she usually had some good gossip on these trips. you had a good half hour before the girls would be back downstairs, so you dialled her number and waited for her to answer.

#brian may #brian may x reader #brian may smut #brian may x y/n #queen band

[garrothromeave]

the hell is mystreet season 6??

(warning, long post ahead)

ok so before i start this

1) ive never posted shiiiit on tumblr before so watch me suffer, im just here to talk about stuff that my friends who dont know anything about aphmau have to listen to me rant about for hours on end

2) i havent seen mystreet in like years (except season 3, i watch that frequently since im laurance and shadow knight deprived) so please bear with me because i might be completely wrong on this lol. it’s just like, pointing out things i remember

3) im sure someones already talked about this but who cares

4) im gonna do this stupid thing where i just explain myself a bit at first, if you dont want to read that just skip to the part where you see “the actual thingy:” in bold and italics 

5) mild disclaimer; i am completely aware that jessica is not a professional writer. i know that she did her best to appeal to her fans, and honestly, respect for that. while this post will come off as aggressive and probably look like hate, that’s not my intention in the slightest. it’s just... intense criticism. im sure y’all probably already know that, but yeah, just stating that anyways. i do believe that jess is doing her best, and in no way do i want to dismiss any hard work she’s done. that being said; prepare for a very strongly opinionated post.

haha watch there be 10000+ typos in this making me look like a complete dumbass

ok here we go 

one of the main reasons i stopped watching aphmau back in 2017 was the mess that was season 4. like, in the first few episodes of the emerald secret, i thought “woah!! this is kinda cool, im a sucker for mystery!” because of course i was, it was something new and something exciting. the only problem i had with it at the time was kim, but that’s just because i always found her annoying and out of place. i just didn’t understand why garroth dragged her along and honestly i still don’t to this day BUT, moving on.

anyways, as the season progressed, 13 year old me was of course just “:0!!” the entire time--that is, up until the reveal of the main villain. i remember watching the episode, seeing the reveal of ein, and then stopping. like, just for a quick break, but i was still just overwhelmingly disappointed. like, and this was the time when pdh was airing and ein just got made alpha (i think?) and i had really really liked eins character in pdh. either way, that really sucked and actually opened my eyes to a lot of things.

one of the main things bein’ the fact that this was supposed to be a slice of life kinda series that decided to take a turn to a more edgy kinda approach. which, i guess i regularly wouldnt mind? but seeing as mcd was kinda bein neglected at the time it just didnt sit right with me. BUT WHATEVER, point is i stopped watching mystreet all together at the end of season 4.

like, a whole year later my brother tells me that shit’s getting intense in season 5 + 6 of mystreet, and my brilliant self decided to give it a shot--but i refused to watch all of season 5, so i only stepped in when ein made an appearance. so whenever that was, that’s where i picked up because i didnt care enough to see 

and y’know--i honestly didn’t hate it at first. in fact, i found it oddly cool. it wasn’t enough to get me into aphmau again, but it was enough to where i was intrigued. i dont know why, but i never watched the finale, so i didnt see the ending until just a few weeks ago--but back then, i thought it was neat. looking back on it however... im just so confused. 

side note: only got back into aphmau this time around because of mcd. mainly because like, i adore the first season and the first half of the second season. and being nearly 18 now, im a lot more appreciative of plot and well-written characters n junk. 

the actual thingy:

ok back on track. imma stop spilling out my story of how i got back into aphmau, and lets just skip to what rewatching mcd made me realize of season 6′s plot and shit:

-emmalyn. how the fuck does ghost even remotely exist? if she’s emmalyn as claimed, then why have we already seen emmalyn in the mystreet universe alive? look i get that creators can do whatever they want with their stories but at the same time please provide some sort of explanation good god. and maybe they did and i just havent seen it, so if there is one--let me know. but until that day imma just sit here confused as fuck

-ok so imma just be real, the whole ‘ultima’ thing is just... not great. in my opinion, anyways. like... i saw someone mention this in another post, but if this ultima stuff was like, a really big deal, why isnt it mentioned in mcd? though i suppose since its a curse of sorts, it could be later on past the time period in which mcd takes place--but even then, how did it manage to make its way into aaron’s family bloodline? 

-WHY IS EVERYONE AT STARLIGHT ITS JUST SO CONVINIENT like what happened to this place being the most expensive shit on the planet or whatever, and how the gang happens to run into like, the werewolf trio and blaze and kai and guy and nate all of these people like god damn life doesnt WORK LIKE THAT 

-im sorry but turning people into relics? thats... thats the best you could come up with? plus, like, how does that even work? in mcd it’s established that relics are separate entitles that choose their wielder, based on a ‘personal’ connection (being a descendent of a previous wielder) or if they’re a good match personality and (i think?) moral wise. so the whole turning-people-into-relics doesnt make much sense to be honest. 

-irene really over here using her god powers to only keep her friends alive like god damn not a great god if you ask me 

-can i talk about how incredibly predictable aphmaus death was? like i just kinda sat there waiting for it to happen and when it did i literally went “haha! wonder when she’ll be revived” because god forbid we actually kill off characters 

-when aphmau + demon warlock fought in the irene dimension there was no passage of time whatsoever in the real world whiiiiiiiiich really bothers me because they fought in there for at least a few minutes

-speaking of aphmau and the demon warlocks fight does it bother anyone else that it had to be aaron who took over the fight?? like we get it hes the big protector blah blah blah but god damn it wouldve been cooler if aphmau had fought this battle as her. aaron fighting this battle was so underwhelming

-...love. like, thats the only thing thats needed to break out of a forever potion? love? LIKE YEAH, GOOD GUYS GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW, but its just so cliche and overdoneeee

-oh yeah and also when travis went bonkers and became the demon warlock or whatever, why’d he only take over katelyn and garroth?? like, zane had been influenced by the potions in the past as well? DONT GET ME WRONG--i do love some good brother edge, but uh, the demon warlock was just bein kinda a dumbass by not possessing zane too just sayin’

-can aaron please go to fucking jail for mass murder now like holy shit, he just got sent home on a fuckin boat. also why did blaze forgive him for killing him thats not even remotely realistic. then again, nothing in mystreet has ever been realistic when it comes to characters and motives and personalities, (cough katelyn being actually abusive and travis being an actual pervert) but yknow whatever

-katelyn and kawaii chan literally added nothing to the plot whatsoever. like lets be real, katelyn lost her personality the moment season 5 started and kawaii chan just kinda sits there :I

-ok im sorry this was bound to come up but cmon guys imagine laurances potential if he was in season 6 like god damn this is beyond maddening. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY REALLY COOL PARRALLEL?? IF IT WAS LAURANCE WHO SNAPPED GARROTH OUT OF HIS MIND CONTROL THING, because it would mimic laurance’s speech to get garroth to snap out of his rage in season 1, episode 100 of minecraft diaries. like how fuckin rad would that have been? missed opportunity 

-also?? why does kim/ghost know magicks?? like, if i remember correctly, emmalyn is a scholar--not someone who knew magicks. i mean, i guess research? study?? but its been established that knowing how magicks works =/= being able to use magicks. i dunno, just doesnt seem right i guess. maybe its explained, i wouldnt know (yes i know that makes me look like a dick leave me alone)

-melissa should have stayed dead. LIKE, NO, ITS NOT AS SIMPLE AS “haha it takes more than a few bullets to kill me”??? look ive got nothing wrong with melissa (cough lie cough) but yknow it would have just been cool a character... stay dead? for once? its just too fuckin cliche that shes alive god damn

-can i also just say the only good thing that came out of season 6 was travis’ dads sacrifice like damn that made me actually sad

-howww was lucinda turned into a relic. or yknow, anyone else? like im sure they explain it better in the actual show i just dont remember, but its just that easy? turning anyone into a relic? granted, a normal person wouldnt be able to produce a good relic, but idk man. IM JUST SAYING; that the only really powerful relics that aphmau should have been able to wield is the one that aaron + zane produced because shad relic and esmund relic moment. lucinda isnt even like, connected to a divine warrior. ALSO, another point, if its seriously that powerful of a relic getting one from just a magic user like lucinda, why go through the trouble? i mean i guess ofc youd want the “all powerful” one that the ultima produces but i mean damn whats the point

-ok this is just going to bother me but in one of the episodes (i think might have been in season 5 actually) where that like, guardian dude was chasing aphmau and zane and at one point they split up and the dude just chuckles at zane diverting paths and goes under his breath “youre not the important one here”, suggesting that aphmau somehow is? first of all, id argue that any ro’meave is significantly more important than aphmau was, especially not knowing much about her other than that shes with aaron. i might be missing some bits an pieces, but if i was that dude id forget about aphmau and go after zane 

-killing off derek for shock factor sucked, and i know the moment was supposed to be really sad because like “oh :( aarons dad is sacrificing himself for his son” but lets be real dereks still was a shitty father and i dont think his reasons for doing what he did was very good at all

-less about plot or more like: why the absolute fuck did the gang bring kim along instead of, oh i dont know, a life-long friend? like, laurance or dante maybe?? im sure its explained, i never saw aphmaus year or most of season 5, but god DAMN id hate to be apart of this friend group AND GOD LIKE, imagine reconnecting with an old friend who ends up getting closer to your best friends and taking priority in their lives over you (cough laurance) like god damn lol

-im just going to preface this one with: i dont remember everything that’s happened, so if im wrong i apologize in advance--but (you actually can correct me if im wrong and please do) didnt like, irene reincarnate her friends in order to give them better lives? I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE, ITS JUST WHAT I REMEMBER--however, if im correct, then:

a. why the hell would she bring back someone like zane, or gene, or ivy, etc.

b. why the hell do they all have the same exact names? first and last? again, im aware that the whole mystreet+mcd tie wasn’t originally supposed to be there, but i dont think that means such a coincidence can be excused? its just a bit much if you ask me.

c. why the hell is the fact that (as much as i literally hate this) aaron is a decedent of shad being ignored? like, you’d think that something like this would be something thats actually important, or something the demon warlock couldve taken advantage of. or are we completely erasing every other connections to divine warriors besides aphmau + irene? because even if irene did reincarnate them or do whatever it is she did, does she even have the power to sever the connections between them and their ancestors? my guess is, no.

d. speaking of irene why on earth was aphmau able to talk to/see irene, they’re literally the same person are they not? did she like, fuckin reincarnate herself without actually doing it?? BUT--i will give it to them, the demon warlock did refer to aphmau as something along the lines of being “one of the 3 parts of her broken soul” or something like that. however, my point still remains. also what are the other two did i miss that or is it never explained

now; if irene in fact did not ‘reincarnate’ her friends then please ignore that little bit right there :)

but yes, those are a few of the problems i have with season 6 off the top of my head. i would go into like, season 4 and 5 more as well, but i honestly didnt feel like it. at some point i might go into other things, like how important laurance could have been to the plot of these later seasons, or HELL, even dante. i might also go into what could have made season 4, 5, and 6 actually good--maybe... a rewrite? perhaps? but im getting too far ahead of myself, so i just leave you with this for now.

and i know that as soon as i post this 15 more things are just going to pop into my head BUT im going to try and not edit this post because why stress myself with that even more

anyways thank you for coming to my tedtalk 

#in conclusion i hate it here #lets go back to mystreet bein slice of life pls #anyways tune in next week for 'the hell is pdh??' #aphmau #mcd #mystreet #minecraft diaries #please ignore these next tags im just promoting relentlessly #garroth ro'meave #zane ro'meave #aaron lycan #kawaii chan #kim mystreet #laurance zvhal #pls i have no idea how to tag posts #rant

[snoewolf]

Im not good at blogging.

I always assume its not worth posting and just dont do it.

Ive been pretty depressed lately. Bae has been amazing and trying to help me through it.. but sometimes.. theres nothing even he can do to make me feel better.

My birthday came and went, its always hard for me the week of my birthday ever since my exhusband served me divorce and child custody papers on said birthday. Its been a couple years, and nothing bad has happened since then.. but it still haunts me.. like im waiting on the next shoe to drop or something.

I keep catching myself treating Bae really bad even when he doesnt do anything to deserve it. He is amazing to me, and does everything for me literally treating me like a Queen. He loves my children like his own and actually interacts with them.. what more could i ask for? But when i get into these depths.. i feel myself treating him unfairly based on what happened to me in my previous relationship. He handles it well, but i know hes just as tired of it as I am.

Still no further on getting my child support from my ex.. which really sucks. I ended up having to drop out of school. They offered for me to go back in a few months.. but theres no way im going to be able to afford it. Im already working double to try to make up for how behind on my bills its made me since i started the program. This saddens me, but im trying to think of it positively.. i wasnt really happy once i was in the program and saw how hospital employees are treated... and treat each other.

My current job is amazing and works with my schedule when possible and i am so thankful for the opportunity. But. It doesnt pay very well for the amount of time im away from my kids to do said work. (How does america expect a single parent to live on $9/hr without any kind of help?!) I cant even afford rent, let along car/phone/electricity/gas/ whatever else comes with renting. My credit isnt good enough to buy anything not to mention wouldnt be approved simply for how many cobwebs are in my bank account.

SO ive been looking for a second job, or a better paying job. I found a second job that pays better.. and offers health insurance! Ive been looking for months and finally got a call for an interview. It happened to be on my day off. How great is that?! So of course i went, theyre paying amazingly! I got there and along with 4 other people, they start showing us around. I thought that was weird.. ive had interviews with this company before and never was shown around the whole place.. but i just accepted it because ive never had an interview with this specific location. We go to the back and im ready for the interview! They start handing us company vests and work tools... im a little confused until they had out schedules. I got the job! Wait... this isnt an interview.. this is orientation! Oh snap! What am i suppose to tell my current job?! Luckily my current job hadnt put out the next weeks schedule yet so i was able to alert my manager as soon as i got out of the building.

Unfortunately, she was not happy. Granted, had it been up to me.. i would have much rathered given a heafty warning.. i dont like to leave any job on bad terms (and so far havent 🤞🏻) so i let my manager know im being trained for this second job for the next two weeks and i cant mess with those days but it doesnt effect my current job at all this week.. which is all i have a schedule for.. she doesnt think she should have to work around another jobs schedule when i worked here first.. i agree.. but.. in my shoes.. this other job is a better opportunity for -me-, for -my- bills for -my- family. So she told me she fixed it for the next two weeks but wasnt happy about it.

Sooooo.

Im now working the next 14 days straight and even at two jobs in the same day.. 🤦🏻‍♀️ im gonna hate myself for sure. But! My daughters birthday is next week and i need to buy her more than the only gift i currently have for her. And Christmas is right around the corner! I need to catch up my car payment and keep my phone bill current and not late... not to mention gymnastics/dance/and boyscouts that i dont want to take away from my kids because its not their fault im poor.

So luckily today hasnt been too awkward at my job but i did tell Bae that depending on how petty they decide to be over the next two weeks depends on if i keep 2 jobs or focus solely on the new one that pays so much better. So. We'll see. Id like to have both at least until Christmas so i can get some presents under my tree.

I guess thats as good of an update as i got currently. Whoopwhoop.

[angrylizardjacket]

when i said it i thought it was true [3] {Ben Hardy}

A/N: 2973 words. Fake Dating AU.

[part 1] [part 2]

Roger Taylor has barely spoken two words to you since the start of filming, and it’s caused you so much anxiety. Were you disappointing? Did you not look or act accurate enough? Sometimes you catch him watching you when you’re with Ben, the two of you in costume, and he just looks... pensive. 

Brian’s nice enough, soft spoken and always kind when he speaks to you, actually mentions that seeing you and Ben together makes him a bit nostalgic, and you’re not quite sure what to make of it. 

The day you see the real Amanda, the woman you’re playing, you feel like you’re about to pass out. It’s as if you’ve got a direct look into your future, she could be your mother, though her hair’s just a little lighter than yours, hence the wigs they keep putting you in. She’s incredibly beautiful for her age, but that’s not the most striking thing about her. She cries the first time she sees Rami in costume, and she doesn’t speak to Roger. 

The moment she meets you, she has to take almost a full minute, hand covering her mouth as she looks you over. It’s like a test, and all you can do is stand there awkwardly in full costume, watching as she tears up a little.

“What do you think?” Brian asks with a proud smile, and she lets out an incredulous laugh. “It’s a little uncanny, isn’t it?” Nodding, she approaches you, smiling brightly and greeting you warmly. 

“Feels like I’ve gone back in time.” She’s surprisingly soft spoken, and she tugs at your collar, straightening it, before she rests her hands on your shoulders. “I’m flattered they’ve got you playing me, dear.” She tells you, and you think you might cry.

She only stays on set for about a week, the week you’re filming on the Garden Lodge set. The two of you are talking before filming starts for the day, you’re trying to glean any information you can that would help bring depth to your character, and Ben joins you. It’s the first time she’s seen him in full costume, and when he presses a kiss to your temple in greeting, her voice dies in her throat. Ben looks confused, concerned as she has to excuse herself.

It keeps happening, something about seeing the two of you in costume, together and sweet, it’s something she can’t stomach. She can talk to Ben normally, even when in costume, but the moment you arrive, and he smiles at you like he does, she feels her heart in her throat.

“I loved Roger, perhaps to my detriment.” She admits, taking a long sip of wine. She’d invited you out to dinner with her before she has to fly back to her family. “And I know what they’re saying in the movie, but he never really loved me.”

When you go to Ben with this information, he’s quiet, before he admits that Roger told him that when they were younger, their relationship was far from the sanitised version that was being presented in the film. 

They’d been together for years, and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that she loved him, and he took her for granted, always assumed she’d be there when he got back from trips and tours, he’d even proposed to her, and yet he’d do any pretty young girl while he was away because he knew he could get away with it. He’d cheated on her, and lied to her, and strung her along because it was easier than letting go. 

Roger Taylor can’t bring himself to speak to you; you’re the spitting image of his biggest fault. Perhaps the way they’ve got it in the movie is his attempt at an apology, not that she’d accept. 

Something about your relationship with Ben changes after that. It doesn’t feel like a performance, the way it used to, it feels more grounded. Neither of you are sure how to deal with the new information, but when the cast go out for dinner together, he’s got a hand on your knee under the table, and when you’re hanging out in his trailer between scenes, you let yourself fall asleep against him where you’re watching Netflix. The two of you go out with some of the others for the night, and he kisses you as you’re leaving the club together, his hands holding your face so softly, the kiss so surprisingly tender that you don’t even hear the click of the paparazzi’s camera from where they’re hiding around the corner of the building, and when you see the kiss on instagram the next day, you don’t think you care.

“Have you seen my nice, black blouse?” You called, elbow deep in a pile of clean washing on a Saturday morning.

“Which one?” Ben calls back from the shower, and you frown at the clothes before you; you really had meant to fold them sooner.

“The nice nice one, the one I wear for callbacks, you know the one I’m talking about.” And you move to rifle through the closet again, glaring at each piece of clothing as you flip past it.

“You sure it’s here?” The shower shuts off while you’re eyeing off a perfectly fine cream shirt that could serve as a decent replacement if you came to it. “Are you sure it’s not at your place?” He asks, stepping out of his adjoining bathroom wearing only a towel.

“No, I’m pretty sure I came back here after my last callback.” You mused, and you could hear him getting changed behind you as you tried to recall the last time you’d found yourself in the shirt in question.

“This would be easier if you just lived here.” He muses, letting the statement hang in the air. After a beat, you turn to look at him, brow creased as you considered his words. “If you want to, you can.” He offered, standing there in just a pair of jeans, his hair still damp. It might be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

“Are you serious?” Voice quietly hopeful, your expression brightens as he nods, grinning. Blouse forgotten, you cross the room in a few paces, throwing your arms around him. “Really really?”

“‘course I am.” He doesn’t tell you he loves you, but it’s there in the tone, in the way he kisses you, and it’s there when he spends the next twenty minutes helping you look for your shirt, though when you admit you don’t need it for a few days, he suggests breaking in the bed to fill the time.

“It’s the same bed.” You laugh as he flops back on it, coaxing you over.

“Yeah, but it’s ours.”

The wrap party for Bohemian Rhapsody is... a lot. It’s a bit overwhelming; you’re by Ben’s side and everyone wants to talk to him, congratulate him, and they want to talk to you, tell you how beautiful you look. Everyone is everywhere at all times, and the only constant is Ben. 

His arm is around your waist when the two of you are standing by the bar, he’s chatting to someone who’s name you’ve forgotten, though you’re pretty sure he’s the second assistant director or something, and you’re trying to communicate to the bartender what you want over the music, leaning over the bar. The moment the bartender finally nods in recognition and scurries off to get your drink, Ben turns, sees your eyes shining bright in the light of bar, and he forgets what he’s saying, just for a moment. The guy he’s talking to leaves, pulled away by someone in the crowd, and you turn, smiling brightly, confusion creasing your brow when you see Ben watching you.

“What?” The bar is in a terrible location, far too close to the band they’ve got set up, but Ben can read your lips well enough in the bar’s fluorescent lights. He shrugs, doesn’t even attempt to answer as the band, not ten feet away, blast their way through a guitar solo. They’re mostly playing classic rock, a few Queen songs here and there of course, and they’re not bad, they’re just loud. 

With your drink in one hand, you take his without thinking, weaving through the crowd, his fingers linked with yours. When you find the door to the courtyard, which is significantly quieter, you feel like you can breathe again. The air outside is cool, and you drop Ben’s hand now that you’re not likely to lose him in the crowd, and the two of you find seats to the side by a tall table. 

“You don’t have to stay with me all night.” You tell him, resting your head on your arms, watching as he lights up a cigarette. It was a filthy habit, but damn if it didn’t make him look a hot. Hotter. 

“I know that, dude,” he pauses, taking a draft and looking, watching all the people talking and laughing and bopping along to the music, “I like your company.” He says it easily but it still has you grinning, and when he catches sight, he grins in return.

He doesn’t leave your side. Not for the rest of the night. 

Photographs are being take all night, and when you look back on them, you see you and Ben sitting side by side, his arm around you as you lean into him, laughing, and he grins at something off camera. You see the cast together for a group shot, all smiling brightly, most a little tipsy, and you’re holding Ben’s hand, your linked fingers just visible in a gap between Allen and Lucy. You see the two of you in the background of a shot of Rami looking absolutely ecstatic; you’re fixing Ben’s hair, and he’s giving you such a soft, endeared look that you hadn’t noticed at the time. If you crop it enough to make it your phone background, you don’t feel the need to call attention to it; for reasons you can’t quite articulate, it makes your heart warm.

It’s strange, and the thing that terrifies you is that it doesn’t feel like acting. It’s that grey area you keep finding yourself in, where it feels so familiar, and it’s like swimming upstream to remember that it’s all fake. 

The two of you don’t even share a kiss, not even when you’re both tipsy, not even when you lean in to murmur something in his ear, and his answer brings his lips inches from yours. You want to kiss him, to forget that it’s all fake, but he sees you hesitate, and presses a gentle kiss to your cheek. Lips twisting in to a sad smile, you look out at the crowd of coworkers around you, dancing where the band had been replaced with a DJ, and you take another sip of your drink.

You’ve passed tipsy and dived straight into being drunk by the time you’re ready to head home, or well, back to your hotel room, but that required a taxi. Ben’s not much better off, and when you tug him into the back seat with you, he doesn’t argue. He’s the one who tells the driver the hotel they’ve got you all set up in, and you just lean against him, eyes fluttering closed, contentment filling you as he wraps his arm around you. 

“I don’t have any makeup wipes!” You gasp into the silence of the hotel elevator. It feels like the most natural thing in the world to head to his room, your arm tucked into his to keep you from swaying in place in the elevator. It might also be that Ben refused to let you be by yourself after you almost face planted getting out of the taxi.

“I’ve got some in case of emergencies.” He assured, fidgeting with his key card before the elevator comes to a stop.

“See, this is why I love you.” The words come so easily that neither of even catch at first as you make your way down the hall. Ben slows once your words have sunk in, and you both realise what you’d said. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry.” Voice quiet, there’s a sudden sinking sensation in your chest that dampens the whole night for you, but he doesn’t say anything, just opens the door and starts rummaging through his suitcase for the wipes once he’s inside. Once he tosses them to you, he follows it quickly with an oversized shirt to sleep in. 

There’s a solid five minute argument about who would sleep on the sofa, both of you trying to give the other one the bed. It takes you yanking a pillow from the bed, laying on the sofa and refusing to move for Ben to concede defeat. The sofa, however, is the single most uncomfortable piece of furniture you’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to sleep on. Sucking up your pride, you clutch the pillow to your chest as you make your way to the edge of the bed. He’s turned away from you, engrossed in his phone.

“Ben?” You ask, and he looks over his shoulder at you, eyebrows raised in question. “The sofa is really uncomfy.” You pouted. With a grin, he shifted, making room for you.

“Holy shit.” Ben looks like he’s just seen a ghost. The two of you are in a nice restaurant in the city, it’s not five stars or anything like that, actually it happened to be your favourite little hole-in-the-wall restaurant with surprisingly good food and excellent service, and you were treating yourselves to a night out before Ben had to step outside to take a call. You didn’t begrudge him, that’s just how life was for the two of you. “Holy shit.” He repeated, and you looked up from your meal with raised eyebrows. 

“What’s up?” You ask, and to see the smile spreading slowly over his face has your heart warming. When he meets your eyes, he’s beaming.

“I think I’m going to be in X-Men.” He said quietly, and your fork fell from your hand, clattering against your plate.

“Holy shit.” You echoed, and he laughed a little, taking your hand when you offered it to him, squeezing gently. 

The stars seem to shine a little brighter as Ben beams up at them, your hand in his as the two of you walk home. Sure, there’s paperwork, nondisclosure agreements, rehearsals, and a few months until filming actually begins, but Ben’s landed a role in a high-budget action movie, and you’ve never been prouder. 

He spends the next few weeks in countless meetings, almost constantly in and out of phone calls with his manager and various producers, and when he’s not filming with Eastenders, he was usually training. He’s barely home, though neither of you are home a lot, you’re busy with your own projects, but when you see each other, he’s elated. You haven’t seen him this excited or motivated about a project before. 

Sometimes you miss him. Of course you miss him, you love him after all, he’s your boyfriend and your housemate, and you tell him all of this over dinner and he looks like he wants to say something, like he wants to freeze this moment in time forever, to bottle it up if he could.  You’re so proud, and you love him so much, and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world to watch those two parts of you coming together over a microwave dinner.

In the weeks leading up to filming, things change, and you feel like you never see him anymore. It’s not like before, then you were just busy, now he’s all over the country, in meetings and fittings and workshops. He calls, but your bed is so empty and sometimes you just want to come home to him and he’s not there, and he won’t be home until the end of the week. Things are still good and bright when you see each other - he’s always eager to make up for lost time - and you never once doubt how much he cares about you, but you feel... out of sync. 

The two of you had fallen asleep not facing each other, but you wake with his arm draped across you, and it feels so familiar, so right, that it stings when you actually come to and realise where you are. 

It’s been years since you’d woken up next to him, and you’d forgotten how pretty he is in his sleep. Part of you thinks that’s a good thing, that if you start to remember now you might keep dwelling. Another part of you urges you to go back to sleep; pretend or not, you should savour this moment you’ve missed so dearly. That’s the part that wins.

You expect when you wake again, for him to already be up and moving, as far away from you as possible, but instead you hear a sleep-rough greeting in your ear, and feel his chest firm against your back, his arm still around you where you’ve tucked yourself against him.

It’s not pretend, it feels like history repeating itself, and so you let yourself forget it’s fake for the moment, lean into him just a little and give a sleepy greeting back. Your heart already aches knowing how lonely you’ll feel once either of you move.

“I forgot how nice you smell.” He murmured, and that’s when you feel your heart already beginning to break. Instead of letting yourself crumble, your link your fingers with his hand where it’s slung over your waist.

“I forgot how warm you are; you’re like a furnace.” And you hear him laugh at that as he leans into you too, and let yourself bask in the moment.

the rat pack: @hotspacedeacon @strangeandwonderfulconcepts @itssaje @d-r-e-a-m-catchme ​ @callumidiot @rockandrollandshit @bohorap @pietrorunsforme @sweetfierceimagines @itsjackothy @mhftrs @sherlockiantheatrenerd @softbenhardy @multifandomgirlrandomstuff @virtualsheepeat @smile-nine @i-padfootblack-things @deaconsroger @spookyfrances @holyurlbatman @your-idiotic-excellency

(crossed out means it wouldn’t tag; i’ll try again for the next part, lemme know if you wanna be tagged xx)

#ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy x reader #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #bo rhap #roger taylor #brian may #borhap imagine #borhap cast #borhap cast imagine #rami malek #joe mazzello #gwilym lee #when i said it i thought it was true #the angry lizard writes

[ace-and-aro-support-group]

Im confused, please help me

hi i dont rlly know how begin , i mean the fact that im on this website is completely crazy to me. If you were to ask me what i identify as a week ago id say i was straight, heck i even have a bf. I’ve always loved the idea of having a bf, being excited and curious for the day i loose my v card. However recently ive been contradicting myself, whenever my bf wants to makeout or when he wanted to cuddle I sorta felt uncomfortable and just wasnt interested in doing so. I always found people attractive like i enjoy their features but if i rlly think abt it i never rlly found them sexually attractive. My bf is a great guy wonderful person to talk to, i trust him with everything and all but i think i never rlly had more than just a platonic connection with him, so when he asked me to be his gf at first i said no cuz i didnt feel anything for him (still dont). after a while i agreed to it anyway bcuz when he talked to other girls i always got jealous, so i assumed its prolly cuz i have feelings for him, but here i am now 6 or 7 months and still not rlly feeling anything else except for “he is my friend”. Can you be asexual but still fangirl, crush on or fantasize about attractive people like tom holland or a hottie in the coffee shop? also should i tell my bf or atleast breakup with him until i figure shit out.

I am like freaking out cuz ever since the possibility of me being ace or aro ive been rlly anxious and just not ok with it.

like i think its ok when other ppl are  but when it comes down to me theres a voice in the back of my head the would rather just be “normal”

I know im prolly just in denial buti rlly dont want anything to change i want a bf ,get married and hvae kids but just dont like the proccess that comes with it. 

will i change my mind in the future I mean im only 16

sorry if i offend anyone 

last thing, srry for the shitty grammar, english isnt my first language

----

I highly doubt you offended anyone dear, don’t worry about it.  And your English was excellent!  A+

Starting with your first question; “Can you be asexual but still fangirl, crush on or fantasize about attractive people?”

Yes, you can!  All asexuality is, is that you don’t experience sexual attraction.  You don’t look at people and feel a desire to have sex with them.  Aesthetic attraction can be a separate category, and many of us here experience it.  I know I do!  Aesthetic attraction is simply enjoying how someone looks, finding their appearance generally attractive.  I’m Aro/Ace, but i still have a ‘type’.  

Now, your story sounds very familiar.  I experienced something like it when I was trying to figure myself out.  Finding someone attractive, wanting to be their closest friend, being jealous when someone else might get with them because they’re ‘taking’ them from you.  It was my first year at a new college, and there was this guy who I thought had the most amazing face and smile, and I just wanted to be close to him and be his best friend.  Unfortunately, I came on a little strong and he started avoiding me (granted we never hung out, just saw each other in class). My own explanation for this, is that I was experiencing a ‘Squish’.  A Squish is basically a platonic crush.  Also, many of us like to still be in relationships.  Asexuals can still be in romantic relationships, aromantics can be in sexual relationships, aro/ace can be in platonic relationships.  This is what is called a Queer (Quasi) Platonic Relationship.  The emotions and commitment to this kind of relationship is sometime defined as being more than friends, but not lovers.  You can still love each other with all of your heart, theres just no romance and/or sex involved. 

You can still feel this kind of jealousy with your favorite celebs when you find out they’re married, in a relationship.  For me, I just kept reminding myself that I don’t want what they do, and that they are happy as is.  It would be selfish to try to take someone away from a relationship that fulfill their needs and makes them happy.  In the end, you find your own happiness just being able to be around them.

As for whether or not you should break up with your BF: usually i would say sit them down and talk to them about it.  But in this case, you are in a relationship you didn’t really want to be in in the first place.  I would tell him that you’ve been experiencing some conflicting and confusing feelings/things, and need some time to figure it out.  Whether that means going on a break, or breaking up is up to you.  

You are very welcome to come talk to us any time you need to, and we will help you through your journey as much as you need/want us to.  

~Amber

#asexual #ace #acespec #aromantic #aro #arospec #submission

[mediatorofnone]

A reflection

I dont know how many of you will see this. But i just wanted somewhere to unload my thoughts, rather than let them eat myself up or twist into something else. Plus the end of the year always has me review myself.

The year was....hard....a friend gave up on me, i couldnt find a job, i moved into a house alone, i had my heart broken with my trust and i fell head over heels again only to know they will never return that emotion and i have a growing, lingering paranoia that people are forgetting about me and leaving me out of things despite constantly attempting to remind myself people have their own lives. Lets go over each

Regarding the friend thing. I was asking for too much. I vented about menial things but if i tried to make any comment it became a joke to them that it ended up annoying them. Granted i see it was a mistake now to come to them to talk about problems. Theres only so much negativity one person can take. I left them alone since they didnt want to talk. What really fucked me well off is when they dropped by a good couple of days later to tell me how they enjoyed the silence and not talking to me....imagine thinking someones your best friend and they tell you how great it is they havent had to talk to you. Felt like a spit in the face. I just. Up and outed. What point is there being friends with someone who says that? Thats being a bad friend. If i had to see things from his end maybe he just enjoyed the fact i hadnt come to him with complaints about my life(be it games or life) and worded it in the worst possible way. I wont know. All i know is i wont get an honest sorry. Dont think ive ever heard him say it tbh. The one fallout with that is that he was imo a central peice of the squadTM so its hard to join parties and such. As i know if i drink ill only get angry drunk and very loud and sarcastic with him. Ive yet to find a proper solution other than singular visits from people.

Job front. Its hard. Ive joined a group to help find me a job. Hopes are high but right now thanks to this end of year period the market is quiet. Ball is probably going to be running thanks to new year however. Alot of my applications are just being ignored. Ive tested alot of rewrites and at this point im considering lying about various experiences just to get somewhere. Never a call centre though, never again.

So i moved into a new smaller house too. My dad moved in with me but he practically lives with his girlfriend back in moira. I plan to takeover rent fully when i have a job. Theres no point in him paying when he doesnt stay. If im lucky maybe i could get a roommate. Never had one. But selection list is rather sparse. Everyone i know is shacking up with a significant other.

Speaking of siginificant others. The short and sweet is. I was into someone. They were into me. They lied about alot of shit. Important shit. Trust busted. Took me a while to get over it. Met someone else. They dont see me that way. Still enjoy their company. Still hurts that i cant be seen that way and im probably going to have to aggressively kill that emotion so i dont constantly set myself up for a fall. Im just worried that ill link into my paranoia and once i get my life back on track that people would have an interest in me only because of my said shit being together.

Speaking of paranoia ya boi has developed anxiety that people are turning against and leaving him out of shit and that if i try to talk about it, im only being attention seeking and complaining ans thus being annoying. Vicious cycle. But i feel ignored alot. Passed over. Like ive nothing to offer and not worth the time. It hurts and know its a pain im only making myself and its generating a venomous spite along with it. Im scared ill turn on everyone instead, being untrusting and such.

When it comes to my own mental health i dont know. Some days i feel like getting better. Others i wonder why im not dead. I wont kill myself because i no theres zero profit in it. I wouldnt feel any relief i think kd get. I would only hurts others. Theres nothing gained. People can rest easy on that part. It just leaves me feeling trapped. I cant harm myself either. Cant bring myself to. Instead i think i subconciously treat myself poorly in other ways since i cant. Anyway. Point being. Suicide isnt an option for me.

I hope 2019 is better. It has to be. Only i can make it better. When im better. I wonder who will crawl out of the woodwork. Id have to be careful. If you made it this far. Wow. You listened. Thanks. Happy new year to you and i hope it all goes well.

Stu

#personal #me #tw #i guess

[benn-ibb0]

Girl

I just cant seem to be happy lately... having a real struggle with what to do in my personal life... then a girl who i never thought would ever talk to me again walks back in to my life... except this time shes changed... changed for the better and ive fallen for her again.... well even tho i was a dick to her i never fell out of love with her but because ive been a dick in the past ive ruined it... again. I really am trying to be a better person and she did... she does make me a better person... ive subcontiously noticed that whenever shes in my life my life seems to improve and my need to ruin things go away apart her... i took her for granted and didnt realise how special and how amazing she actually is. Ive now made another stupid error and shes realised the dick i am and im glad in a way because she deserves something way better than me because shes pure... she has a heart of gold but i am selfish... i am a very fucking selfish human being and i want her to myself... i really hope this isnt it. Ive had too much bad news lately and i need her in my life. I know she probably wont see this but if she does ella i know ive been a dick and its not exscusable but please give me the chance to earn your trust back... i know it wont come over night but i wanna be with you... its taken me a long time to realise this but youre everything i could ever want and more. I love you so much please dont hate me forever. Ill be waiting.

[inawickedlittletown]

Walking The Wire (105/?)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

@findmeinthestarss

Masterpost

Chapter One Hundred Four

“Ned told me you knew,” Peter said. He was still in his Spider-Man suit sans mask. He’d taken Michelle up to the roof of the tower which had felt like the right place to go because he knew bringing her inside to the penthouse would bring up more questions. It was kind of cold up there, but Michelle didn’t seem to mind.

“I was going to use that knowledge eventually,” Michelle admitted. “Not sure what for but I guess i was waiting for the right situation. So, you’re Spider-Man.”

Peter nodded and Michelle just stared at him for a while which made Peter feel weird. As if she was trying to figure it all out.

“You know, you could say that Spider-Man is your fursona,” she deadpanned.

Peter shook his head at once. “Nope. Nope. That is not what this is at all. You can shake that thought right now.”

Michelle just smirked at him. “I’m joking. Kind of.”

He gave her a look and she smiled at him. “But seriously, how did that happen?”

Michelle was so calm and just pragmatic in how she asked him anything that Peter didn’t feel the stress that he’d felt when Ned found out. Then again, Michelle had also had time to think on it before.

“Spider bit me,” Peter said.

“Okay and the whole web thing -- is that coming out of you?” Michelle said. “I’ve been wondering.”

Peter shook his head, “No, no. That would be ridiculous.”

“You’re a teenage superhero we’re past ridiculous.”

Peter nodded his head and looked down at his suit. “Yeah, I guess. Ned freaked out when he found out.”

“I bet,” Michelle said and then she reached out to touch the suit. “Whatever it’s made from — seems really durable I guess? I’m guessing Tony Stark made it for you?”

“Yeah.”

“I...this is kind of crazy,” Michelle said. “I mean, The Avengers themselves always felt a bit fantastical but you’re -- you’re Peter and I’ve known you forever and you’re sort of one of them. Anyway, I really just wanted to thank you. All of my books and my phone are in this bag and my mom would have been really mad if I got it stolen.”

“I’m glad I was there,” Peter said.

The sun was going down which cast the sky in a nice orange-yellow, but it also meant that it was getting a bit colder out. Peter wouldn’t really feel it with the suit, but Michelle would.

“So, Tony Stark knows and Ned knows. Does your aunt know? Does anyone else? Did you tell Liz?”

“The rest of the Avengers know too,” Peter said. “May knows and I don’t think she’ll ever be happy about it. I didn’t tell Liz. Turned out her dad was the bad guy in the end so that was probably a good call. That’s it, really.”

Michelle nodded and then, “I’m glad it’s you. I mean, anyone else our age wouldn’t be a hero. Could you imagine if it was Flash? He would be lording it over everyone. He’d be even more insufferable.”

“Oh, god,” Peter said because he could just imagine it. “You’re right. And Ned would just use it to get popular or something. He hated that it was a secret when he first found out. It was hard to keep him from giving me away.”

Michelle laughed at that. “The two of you are such dorks.”

“You’re friends with us,” Peter pointed out.

She smiled. “Guess I am. But, okay, if the web doesn’t come out of you, what is it? I’ve seen you swing on it which means it’s strong and it’s sticky too? Did Stark make it?”

“I made it,” Peter said and he was happy to see how impressed she was because he could tell that Michelle had expected it to have come from Tony. “Took me awhile to get it right and Tony -- he helped to improve it a bit. I built the original web shooters too but the ones on the suit were made by Tony.”

Michelle gave him a long look. “You call him Tony,” she said. “I guess you’re close, then? I sort of figured considering the ferry thing and the night of the dance.”

“He’s my mentor,” Peter said and he was glad that it didn’t come out like too much of a lie. Peter just -- he didn’t want her to know about Tony being his dad quite yet. It was enough that Ned knew.

“The internship,” Michelle said.  

“I’m glad you know,” Peter said. “Ned gets a little too excited. He doesn’t realize what this is all about sometimes and maybe it might be good for him to have someone else to discuss it with.”

“Or you,” Michelle said. “I mean, who else do you have to talk to other than Ned and a bunch of superheroes if your aunt isn’t actually supportive of your activities?”

“I have Karen,” Peter said.

“Who is Karen?”

“My AI. Well, she’s in the suit and in my phone.”

Michelle hummed in response, but she shook head. “Right, so another of Tony Stark’s creations.”

She shivered as a gust of wind hit them and Peter motioned for her to go inside, lightly touching her arm to lead her in and Michelle turned back to look at him and smiled at him.

Wakanda was the same as the last time that Tony had seen it. T’Challa was unavailable to greet them since he was in some kind of meeting, so Shuri did instead and she immediately began to ask Tony questions about his work on Steve’s shield.

“He can show you himself. We brought it with us,” Tony told her and then with a grin shot at Steve: “He can also show you the ring.”

At that, Shuri made an excited noise and she swung her attention towards Steve. She demanded to see it and Tony laughed at the surprise on Steve’s face except that he also seemed quite pleased about it.

“In fact,” Tony added, “why don’t you and Steve look at the shield while I go find Barnes.”

Steve knew better than to ask to go with him since Tony had made it clear that he wanted to do this on his own. It was important. Tony had never been one to go forth and face his demons -- not when he could find a reason to avoid them -- but this one was one that he needed to. For one thing, the man was his future husband’s best friend and for another he was an innocent man that had been tortured and used and Tony needed to forgive him. But for that, they had to talk. Tony needed to see him with his own eyes and finally meet James Buchanan Barnes.

“Okay,” Steve said.

Shuri grabbed him someone to lead him to Barnes and then dragged Steve away probably towards her lab. Tony had known he could count on Shuri.

Barnes was apparently staying in a hut a small walk away from the palace and he seemed to be happily assimilating to life in Wakanda. When Tony and his guide came upon him he was actually in the middle of playing with some boys and girls.

“Thanks,” Tony said to his guide. “I’ll head over on my own.”

Tony didn’t move forward at once and instead just watched for a while. It was kind of surprising that Barnes hadn’t realized he was being watched for one and for another -- well, he seemed different from the man that Tony had seen in that bunker in Siberia. He was more like the man that Steve had described to him from back in the 40s. Barnes was smiling and laughing and he seemed to be at peace. Barnes was still down to one arm and Tony felt a modicum of guilt because he’d been the one to blow the other one off and because he had also never offered to get him a replacement. Granted, despite his prosthetic division, Steve had never asked. Maybe he thought that Tony wouldn’t want to give Barnes an arm. Or maybe Shuri was already making him one.

After a moment, Tony moved closer and he coughed in order to give Barnes some warning, but as he had moved closer, Tony had noticed that Barnes tensed up some and he’d realized someone was approaching. Barnes looked up and the kids paused in the middle of their game and then after a nod from Barnes just left with quick goodbyes. One little girl hugged Barnes before she scampered off.

“I didn’t expect to see you,” Barnes said and he sounded careful. “I saw the jet come in but I didn’t think it was--”

“Yeah,” Tony said, “I’m kind of the last person you probably expected to come looking for you.”

“Well not the last but yeah,” Barnes said. He tilted his head and Tony could tell that he was trying to get a read on the situation. After a moment he said, “Congratulations, by the way. I heard you put a ring on it.”

Tony laughed. “So you listen to Beyonce.”

“Sometimes. I think between me and Steve I was always going to be the one more suited to the future. I bet he still doesn’t really listen to anything current.”

Now that Tony thought about it, despite how much Steve read and watched and had caught up on about the world, music was one of those things that he never really spoke about. Tony knew he’d checked out famous and important parts of music history but modern music didn’t give him much interest.

“I guess he doesn’t,” Tony said.

It was surprising, how it actually wasn’t all that hard to talk to Barnes. Maybe it was the easy topics and that they were talking about Steve and not all the hard stuff that Tony had actually gone to the trouble of flying to Wakanda for.

“That’ll make it easier to pick a song to dance to at the wedding,” Barnes said.

Tony laughed, a little surprised at the comment. “I hadn’t even considered that we’d have to dance,” he said.

“He doesn’t know how,” Barnes said. “It was one of those stubborn Steve things. He wanted the right dance partner and no one was ever interested. Not until Peggy and with the war they never really got anywhere.”

“Sounds like him,” Tony said and then, “I came to clear the air. In light of the engagement and mostly everything else. Steve filled you in, right? Ross and everything he’s doing. I want -- I’ve tried my best to move past it all and I have. I really have. You didn’t have a choice and everything that happened to you was terrible. And still, I won’t ever forget that video and what The Winter Soldier did even if it wasn’t really you.”

Bucky looked taken aback at Tony’s words. “I -- I feel guilty all the same. Not as much as I used to but it’s there and I can’t change anything that I did when I was the Winter Soldier but I want to. I wish I could.”

“Steve doesn’t get that.The guilt, I mean” Tony said. “I do. They called me The Merchant of Death for a long time but I didn’t care because my focus was on the engineering and on the construction of newer and faster and it wasn’t just the double dealing because that was one thing that was done without my knowing -- I still made weapons and created bombs and missiles and so much else with the knowledge that all of it would be used to kill people. I allowed my creations to kill people and it shouldn’t have mattered that we were at war. Of course, it was all made worse when I found out everything I built was being used on both sides. So, I get it, Barnes, I really do. You know, I’ve just been making up for it since I stopped weapon manufacturing in a way and it was a long time before I truly felt like I could move past it. I think the start for you is to get better and live your life and make your own choices now that you can and you’re not in danger of becoming The Winter Soldier anymore.”

Tony hadn’t realized how alike they were. He hadn’t thought about it much because it had been easier to not consider those parts of Barnes and realize that they had both been held and tortured and that they had both done horrible things. Barnes had had it worse. Tortured and brainwashed for decades. Kept frozen when he wasn’t needed. It was horrible.

“I want to clear your name,” Tony said. “Ross has been trying to make it impossible for you to ever come back. He wants to hold you accountable for everything Hydra ever made you do. Probably his attempts at getting you and study the serum.”

“Yeah. I’ve seen the news,” Barnes said.

“Well, I’m going to clear your name, Barnes,” Tony said and then because he had to he reached out his hand and Barnes didn’t hesitate to take it. “We’re good, okay? I -- I didn’t react well in Siberia which we can both blame on Steve’s attempts at protecting me. Backfired on all of us.”

Barnes took back his hand and he grinned. “Nobody said Steve was smart.”

Tony shook his head. “He’s not smart when it comes to protecting those he loves. And you’re the last piece of his family left. I do get it -- I’ve been alone for most of my life and I don’t think that I could ever get in the way of your friendship. You’re going to be his best man and I’ll need to find a way to get you to New York for the wedding. Steve also told me that you really supported me and Steve. So, it’s only right that the two of us be on good terms.”

Barnes grinned and Tony knew that he would still need to get to know the man to really get over everything -- so that every time he looked at him he could purge “killed mom” from his brain and associate him with something else, but it was already becoming easier because this man was nothing like The Winter Soldier and Tony truly did believe he was good and Tony intended to help him.

Chapter One Hundred Six

#peter and tony #peter and tony fic #mcuwriting #mcu fic #iron dad #iron dad and spider son #stony #stony fic #marvel

[vincent-marie]

A Look Back on TREASURE PLANET

So recently I rewatched TREASURE PLANET for the first time in about fifteen years and… I'm not gonna lie, it's still my personal favorite of the 2D Disney animated features from the early to mid-2000s.

Let's be real. Of the 2D features Disney released around that time period, TREASURE PLANET is one of the more solid films. ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE had some interesting ideas and some really nice design work and animation, but it really needed to be at least two hours long if it wanted to flesh out the characters and the world-building without requiring supplementary material (like a special edition of Disney Adventure magazine). Hardly anybody remembers BROTHER BEAR was even a thing, and the less said about HOME ON THE RANGE, the better. (Seriously, that movie wasn't even worth the Steve Buscemi cameo.)

The only other film of that era that has really held up was LILO AND STITCH, and I'll admit it's probably a better film than TREASURE PLANET. It took more risks in terms of character, setting and originality, and emotionally it leaves more of an impact. (That scene when Nani sings to Lilo makes me cry like a baby every time.) My only problem with it is it always felt like two entirely different movies collided with each other and it never felt like they really meshed well. Otherwise, I agree with most fans that it’s a good film.

Also, of course, there was the excellent THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE, which was just such a huge departure from Disney’s normal schtick and trying something more Tex Avery-esque, only for it to be a perfect storm instead of a total crash and burn. That is much to be proud of.

Going back to TREASURE PLANET, I can understand that most folks walk away saying it’s an "okay" film. I, however, am not one of those people. I've had a real soft spot for this movie ever since I saw it, but now I appreciate this film for additional reasons.

Namely, the animation and effects work. Holy crap, is this movie gorgeous! It's like watching Don Bluth's ANASTASIA, except I don't have to feel guilty about historical inaccuracies. (Now it’s just scientific inaccuracies, but STAR WARS gets away with that all the time.)

Directors John Musker and Ron Clements had apparently wanted to do a sci-fi retelling of "Treasure Island" since before they started working on THE LITTLE MERMAID. With that in mind I do feel like this movie would have fared better with critics back in the early 90s during the Disney Renaissance. However at that time they would not have had such elaborate and detailed CG effects within arm's reach. There's something I really enjoy about the use of 3D backdrops so that they may do sweeping camera movements, and that's not even getting into the lighting effects to establish atmosphere.

What's more, there are a lot of subtleties to the character animation that I never appreciated until now. You could just pick one character and focus on him or her during the whole movie and find a lot of fun little quirks in their dialogue or walk cycles.

Admittedly, much of this film’s appeal probably depends on how much of an animation fan you are. In my case I was watching John Silver’s animation and I suspected that Glen Keane was probably in charge of animating him (as there are moments when Silver looks so much like Ratigan). Those suspicions were confirmed during the end credits and I was delightfully geeking out about it.

It’s also easy to see where this film might not have had a lot of mass appeal. Most of the focus on the story is on Jim Hawkins and his daddy issues, which by the early 2000s was already a cliche of a character arc. And it’s not helped by the fact that Jim himself is... well, kind of on the bland side as a protagonist. There’s not a lot about him that makes him any more or less interesting than any other teenage male lead. But for what it is I think the movie did fine at establishing and building the relationship between Jim and Silver, which does have its warm and comforting moments. For both of them.

And at least the film is straightforward with its plot and characters and it’s not a structural mess like HERCULES, a previous venture by Musker and Clements.

Something I’ve noticed over the years is that TREASURE PLANET has a little bit of a cult following. I distinctly remember this one time when I was taking a storyboard class in college; we were assigned to do a “Master Study” assignment by recreating the key story frames in our favorite scene in a favorite animated movie. One of my classmates picked the scene when Jim is brought home to the inn by the police and embarrasses his mother. I recall being so impressed, and even a little envious, that she got the character design style down to a T. (If you’re wondering what movie/scene I picked for my Master Study, I picked the Big Ben scene from THE GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE.)

Then, of course, some friends and I suspect that TREASURE PLANET might have fared better if it had been released a bit later, more towards the height of the Steampunk craze. It’s not quite what I would call “Steampunk”, as it takes place in a sort of alternate universe version of the 18th century and not the Gothic era, and most of their transport is solar-powered and not steam-based. Nevertheless it’s easy to see how fans of Steampunk could find it appealing, with its mostly earth-tone color pallet to evoke the painted illustrations of the classic novel it was based on. Also that combination of a pre-20th century aesthetic with out-of-this-world science fiction elements is pretty much, in my opinion, what makes Steampunk so much fun to play around with. Also, a robot made out of copper. End of story.

In terms of why this film didn’t do so well when it was released, I suspect what stunted its success was the marketing. I could be wrong, as I was actually living in Honduras at the time of the film’s release, but we got some TV stations from Denver, Colorado. I remember a lot of the TV spots spent most of their time highlighting the goofy comic relief moments with Morph, and there was a real emphasis on the presence of B.E.N., even though he's in less than one-third of the movie. In other words, the film's success might have been partially sabotaged by a marketing team that seemed to think if you don’t take your film seriously at all that will somehow draw in the crowd.

Although speaking of the comic relief characters, I actually don’t mind them that much. I always thought Morph had a lot of cute, funny moments that weren’t too obnoxious. As for B.E.N., I kind of have mixed feelings for him. On one hand, the directing team made better use of Martin Short’s improvisational skills than PEBBLE AND THE PENGUIN or WE’RE BACK! ever did. But on the other hand, does B.E.N. have to be so loud and shouty? However, while B.E.N. is a real screw-up, he’s not so much to the point where I want to see him get smashed with a sledgehammer. He’s generally likable, not at all loathsome, and just annoying enough, but not TOO annoying.

However while we’re still on the subject of B.E.N., I’d just like to add that the CG animation on him is really nice. Making him 3D gives him a sort of sense of solidity compared to his hand-drawn humanoid compadres, and to top it off his animation isn’t at all stiff or feels like the CG is holding him back. There is some really expressive squashing and stretching going on with his dialogue. It’s so subtle in places that you’d probably miss it if you’re not looking for it. A lot of CG animation studios at the time like Pixar and Dreamworks had not quite mastered squashing and stretching themselves, so kudos to Disney for pulling it off so well.

Now if I may indulge a little on why I remember this film fondly, my favorite characters were always Dr. Doppler and Captain Amelia. They are both fun and engaging on their own, but together they are weirdly adorable. Granted, I've always thought them getting together at the end was a bit rushed, but I still totally buy it.

(What I don't buy is that they'd be so eager to have kids after Doppler showed such annoyance and revulsion towards that toddler alien girl at the beginning. I get that the creators wanted some visual shorthand to indicate that they're an official couple, but they could have just been wearing wedding rings or throw in a little more of them dancing together.)

Part of the reason I love these characters on their own is the casting. I was already familiar with Emma Thompson from Ang Lee's adaptation of SENSE AND SENSIBILITY, and her character of Eleanor Dashwood was very quiet and reserved. You can imagine my disbelief and delight hearing her play an assertive, witty badass as Amelia. (As if I didn't already think Amelia’s design was cool.)

As for David Hyde Pierce, I had only occasionally watched FRASIER growing up, but when I saw this movie I was familiar with him through some other memorable voice acting roles, particularly that excellent Season 8 episode of THE SIMPSONS, “Brother From Another Series.” In other words, I already knew him to be funny, snarky and charismatic.

While I'm on about the casting, I feel like there's a totally wasted opportunity to have these two characters in a room together, say, before the black hole scene, exchanging witty banter to show how compatible they are in a casual setting. It’s a shame that Emma and David didn’t record their dialogue together, because with her being an accomplished writer and with his skills at improvisation, there could have been some good verbal combat by way of “Much Ado About Nothing-Meets-Frasier.”

But looking back, I remember I immediately loved Captain Amelia just on principal. As a kid I never really gravitated that much to any of the Disney princesses. I can’t really describe why, but it was mostly how they were marketed as just looking pretty and (arguably) kind of passive in their own stories. Not to mention how when Disney Princess became a brand, they really amped up the girly cutesy-ness to their preexisting images. Not to say there’s anything inherently wrong with cute or feminine things, but it really made me feel like a weirdo who somehow wasn’t fit to be called a girl.

Captain Amelia, on the other hand, had her own style of femininity by wearing a classy, more masculine captain’s uniform along with thigh-high high-heeled boots (that she has no problem running in). She had a no-nonsense attitude, she was focused and cool-headed in a stressful situation, she was downright snarky and took crap from no one. In other words, she was the type of woman I wanted to be when I grew up, and to this day she is my favorite Disney Lady, bar none.

And while I’m at it, I’m just going to add that I’ve always found Dr. Doppler more attractive than your standard Disney prince. Besides his character design looking like a canine version of Roger from 101 DALMATIONS, he just always seemed like he’d be fun to get a coffee with.

Well, that’s about all I really want to talk about regarding TREASURE PLANET. It’s a shame it’s not remembered by more people as it does have some really good elements to it, but in some regards I can kind of see why it wasn’t a huge critical success. If you haven’t seen it already I recommend checking it out as it’s a pretty solid standalone film that doesn’t need supplementary material and covers all the bases with the plot and some fun character moments here and there. If you’re an animation fan I cannot stress enough how you really need to watch it, or even rewatch it, because, again, the animation and effects work is just a real feast for the eyes.

#treasure planet #disney #animation #review #captain amelia #dr. doppler

[wildgeese2017]

i dont know whether i want to hav sex with her like if i cud. i think that shes into me she smiles at me and she seeks me out and she laughs at my jokes and compliments my outfits? ive known her so long and i trust her kindness. i think shes cool and sweet and interesting and like she really listens to what i say and is childish like me like she isnt embarrased to act weird and silly and get excited about little things. she seems like she wants to be around me. and i hav convinced myself that i like her. for years shes been my go to crush. its just when i imagine being touched it makes me feel weird?? i know shes had gay sex b4 i think shes hot and pretty and i love her style. i wouldnt mind touching her but the thought of someone touching me in that way scares me i worry that it would repulse me. but i want it so bad. i want her to kiss me and rough me up a bit push her fingers into my thighs u kno stuff like that , is that what attraction is? my relationship to my sexuality and body even is so warped and abstract at this point so disconnected from what reality can offer me. i think she is closer than most people to what i cud actually even attempt to experience something with tho. like she gets me im afraid of men so women make me feel safer to try stuff with i only hav experience w girls anyway not that its actually substantial or like in that romantic serious context. i just i want to be wanted so badly i know that i have been at least once. i get so confused i cant possibly be that bad but noone has ever loved me for my body. i can timagine what its like to experience the reverse. sure i am granted the privilege of not bein specifically disliked automatically for my body but it isnt worth much more as social currency beyond basic decency (which everyone deserves but doesn’t get). maybe i need to be less in my head. but im scared ill try intimacy with her and i wont like it . and that will mean a few possible things which would fuck me up and scar my self perception. firstly, it could mean that im not capable of normal intimacy that i am really genuinely fucked in the head like the rabbit hole i fell down when i was 11 genuinely messed me up like i gave into some evil shameful thing inside me when i was a child and now i can never be acceptable normal healthy or loved securely. second it cud mean i dont actually like women ive been playing as part of the lgbtq community this whole time how can i face myself or my friends being straight is shameful to me its so lame and uncool i know this sounds so like weird and fetishistic or performative but thats exactly what im afraid of i dont want to see myself like this i wasnt ready to label myself but i did i labelled myself so young and now it feels scary it feels wrong for me to say i dont like it when people are like you;re bisexual right? i feel that thing when you share too much too soon like your skin is peeled off all raw and exposed. i hate that. what if im too messed up i dont know it for sure what if intimacy proves im broken. or at the very least very unique in a way that could lead me to living my life alone without partners or lovers i want so desperately to be someones favourite someone who makes me feel good when they touch me and anxious and annoyed. i want to care about someone so much. too trust someone to see my body like my weird moles and self harm scars my veins and hair and teeth i want someone to see me all of me and still decide they want me. that i am worth the effort that they would seek me out. i dont know if that will happen.

i drive myself crazy looking in the mirror in different angles wearing all these colourful frilly lacey outfits agonizing over how i must look. i make myself soft and sweet and loud and excited and loving so others will seek me out im like a duimb tropical bird and it hurts so much because it doesn’t feel like its working.

people say be true be authentic but they dont say how much it hurts to do that and not be idk rewarded? desired? like i am expressing myself and that is pushing people away even subconsciously? sure it would feel amazing for someone to see that expression and see that fragment of my inner world and think i love that i want that i want her i love her but it isnt happening not as far as i know not in a way which satisfies my lonely soul. 

i just dont want to be disgusting i try so hard to smell good and look sparkly and fun and bright and loving i think the manic pixie dream girl trope really damaged my psyche  

i think i like other people too i feel different when they touch me like it feels more intense more like its getting through.

as far as i can tell my type is funny, creative, nice boobs dark or curly hair usually, i like people who are kinda sad bc i think we are alike which sounds cringe but people who are just living in a way which seems at least to me in a non-judgemental way to be unexamined i just cant really relate to i cant open up to someone who wont understand. i need people to say the right things or at least say nothing and only respond with touch.

is it weird that i carry on asking myself if i was touched as a child ? like i dont htink i was but i carry on feeling like it could have happened or i convince myself i did and then i mistrust people for no reason. but something must have happened i had such messed up thoughts maybe it was all the sex on tv i watched as a really young kid my parents would show me stuff with full nudity and relatively graphic sex my relationship to modesty is confusing i think i find people more attractive with their clothes on? i just see naked people like ok? thats a body its normal i dont get porn.

one thing i regret was being drunk and telling M that i cant watch porn i like weirder stuff and she was like bdsm? and i was like no its so weird it cant be in porn but i didnt mean it like that i meant i cant just feel stuff from nudity without context and i am into weird shit i dont know why i think maybe my mums mental health issues which she projected on me im worried i was just made wrong like im just a bad seed like i was destined to want things which dont make sense. but then i consider my whole warped desire hinges on the way it could be percieved by society the way society views people and their intented state of being. i am attracted to corruption addiction to transformation to giving into desire to showing desire physically with your body in a way that everyone can see and you can no longer control.

everything in my life boils down to my relationship with control. maybe its because i felt i didnt have any control as a child. my life was shifted against my will and i have this learned helplessness both from having my needs met without asking and from having my needs ignored or at least met in a lacklustre way. but then i think who really had control as a kid? kids dont control their life they dont make the decisions that what a guardian is for ?? but maybe its because i felt as though i did have to make the decisions like i didnt have clear boundaries and i dealt with that by punishing myself for overstepping rules i made myself. bc i had no control not really it felt like nobody had control there was noone to blame so i made things up new problems i cud blame myself for or i saw the problems my parents had said to myself i have that problem too and punished myself for it with feelings or pain or exercise or silence. i couldnt trust anyone. or at least i loved people but i couldnt open up. maybe thats why im so weird and territorial i keep things secret i hide stuff in my cupboard its like i invent things to be ashamed of i create problems for myself to distract from the problems i didnt have control pver the conception of. when i think of my childhood i think of feeling bad and ashamed of myself for taking advantage of my father like he was vulnerable and all i did was take money and time from him and he was struggling so much financially but he would still spend so much on leasiure when i think of it now i realise that spending time with me and making him happy must have made him feel good i get it more now that i do that with other people but at the time i felt so guilty all the time for the price of my clothes my food my life. and my mum would always say how terrible things were with money how tired she was how stressed she was how it was affecting her body. she would talk about how much she hated her body her fat her sagging face her pale skin her poor health i asked her once what superpower she’d choose and she said i want to be healthy all the time and i was confused then but i get it now. 

i just felt like i had to pretend to be happy or like i wasnt bored or the time like i didnt feel bad about how my stomach looked how yellow my teeth were how tangled my hair was the bags under my eyes and when i look back i realise no one was looking after me noone was making sure i brushed my teeth and hair twice a day i barely did it once a day i used to hate myself so much that i couldnt do my homework but nobody ever sat with me and made sure i did it past like the age of 7 . i remember feeling so scared of asking for help i remember having nightmares or being sick and standing on the landing listenning to my mother breather through her door being petrified of asking for help like she needed the sleep and i was a bad person for waking  her up like i was lying and then i actually started lying bc she wud just accept it let me fester on my own in bed all day if i said i wanted to if i said it hurt too much. i just im so scared of feeling that way again of feeling so scared so tired so useless so guilty so dissapointing so stupid so dumb so shallow so selfish so unworthy so dishonest so lazy so manipulative i look back and i think how could a child have been so awful? how could i have been as bad as i thought i was? it doesnt seem possible. the point at which i became irredeemable seems to shoft forwards each year like its chasing me and i become more and more of a villain stealing a bright future from the innocent child i used to be. i used to fantasize about going back and doing it all perfectly. when people asked me about my choice of power it always had to do with avoiding the consequences of my mistakes either immortality or time travel to be able to change what i did or to be able to move on without losing my future without losing my finite time. i want to be free of these constraints that feel so self inflicted. i spend so long in these mind prisons i construct labrynths in my head and get stuck there all alone with no way of asking for help without admitting how i got there in the first place.

[shreddedwristsandbrokenhearts]

Hello. I have returned after around 6 months. Probably more. Id like to explain my absence. I realised that the place I felt most safe was on this website. The people I considered by biggest base of support were usernames and profile pictures. For lent, I gave up social media. Including tumblr and this blog. Now I thought at the end of this I would run back to my blog and to my “friends”. but those 40 days were not as I thought they would be. I managed to stop cutting myself, which is so weird because its what I had been trying to do for years, and what most of my posts on here were about, about how much I wanted to stop cutting my self. But suddenly, getting away from this website managed to stop my spiral, a spiral that im sure would have lead to my death. I think that surrounding yourself with negativity, although it feels comforting and relatable, isnt going to help. And I dont think i realised that i needed to get better but now that I am fairly recovered, Its the best thing ever.

The other day I wore a short sleeved top for the first time in 3 years. And yes, I have scars. But the way I felt about those scars has also drastically changed. I still owrry that people notice them and that people think worse of me, but the people I know, I am proud. Not proud that I have scars, but proud that they are scars and not open wounds.

I have a great friend. Also my first real life friend in 3 years. Which is hard. Because I missed about 3 years of social development that most teenagers take for granted. So im not used to social interactions, most stuff people just assume. 

I got through my exams. Now about 2 years ago I promised myself that I would kill myself before it ever got to there. And i had so many break downs in school and teachers asked, but what about your exams, because I just refused to do any work. and i was secretly thinking and smiling to myself, because I thought id be dead my then and I thought I wouldnt have to deal with them at all.

I got into a good school. Which is another transition for me. Im not good at transitions. So that scares me. But its for the best, but im leaving the people that know im fcuked up. Like most of my teachers know that im mentally fucked up, and that im covering up my fucked up ness when im normal. But this new school, they think im just normal. Which means I just cant break down. At the moment, people know I break down and I cant cope, but ill get kicked out if i break down at the new school. So thats alot of pressure just to stay put together. 

I feel like im losing my safety net, and its the scariest thing ive ever done. Because at the moment, I know there are people I have, but im not going to have them soon, and thats scary. like if I fall, ill fall deep. And noting will catch me 

On the note of diagnosis,  I think that being diagnosed as something, might have ruined my chances of ever getting better. Just because its joining another spiral, and putting yourself in a box, and for me, a diagnosis would have been to decisive as if someone was saying “Youre also going to be fucked up”

Finally, recovery is good. Really good. But its not ideal. The ideal is that you never had to go through this in the first place, but you have, and im osrry, but the best thing you can do, is fake it till you make it. Surround yourself with positive influences. This probably wont cure you, but it will help. Its going to take time, it might even take a proffessional, but i promise its worth it.

I might continue posting, but it wont be the same, because all though people send me messages saying how much this blog helps them, I dont think this is true. It will be a blog about the difficuluties of recovery, because it is.

Thank you for reading this, and im sorry about the bad typing, but you have been a patint audience, and im glad to have ears to hear my voice

s xxx

[winterbaby89]

As Destiny Has Its Eyes On You Chapter 8/?

All the thanks to @artistic-writer for making this lovely pic.

Summary:

Princess Emma Swan of Misthaven has been prophesied as the Savior since before her birth. Now with the help of a Lieutenant from her past she is going to take her destiny into her own hands, to defeat the Evil Queen.

A/N:

This story is inspired by ’Destiny has its eyes on you’ by the lovely @seriouslyhooked (EmilyBea on FF). With the overwhelming support and love from EmilyBea and @ilovemesomekillianjones (who has graciously agreed to be my beta on this entire project, she can also be found on: AO3, and FF), I am presenting this to the public.

This story is rated ‘M’. I hope you enjoy, and if you haven’t read the works from these lovely ladies, I highly recommend you do so. Chapters 1-4 are based on chapters 1&2 of ‘Destiny Has Its Eyes on You’

AO3  FF.net  Prologue/Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

Chapter 8

About a week after the attack Emma is lounging on one of the barrels near the helm.

“Killian?”

“Yes my love?”

“What is the date?”

“What?”

“What’s the date? I know it’s November, but I’m not sure the day.”

“I do believe it’s the thirteenth, why?”

Emma’s eyes widen, without a word she gets up and heads to the stairs leading to their cabin.

“Emma, is everything okay?” When she continues below deck without answering, Killian has Smee take over and follows her to their quarters. Walking into the cabin he sees she’s pacing and chewing on her bottom lip. “Love, is there significance to the thirteenth?”

She startles at his question. “What? No! Why?”

“When I told you the date you got quiet and pale, then proceeded to run to our cabin where you are currently pacing. What’s wrong? You know you can talk to me.”

“It’s not the thirteenth that’s significant, other than being this far. You’re sure it’s the thirteenth, not say the fifth by chance?”

“Yes love, I double checked my chart, why? What is so wrong with it being the thirteenth? What’s so important about the fifth?”

She takes a couple shuddering breaths before sitting down on the bed. “Killian, you love me right? No matter what?”

Now he’s even more concerned for Emma, still not quite grasping what’s going on. He sits next to her, and taking her hands in his, he looks straight into those beautiful, but worried emerald eyes of hers before he speaks. “No matter what, good or bad, always and forever, I love you, Emma. Now what is going on? I’m worried about you.”

“The date of import is the sixth, it’s the day I always start my… you know... my monthly.”

He notices that Emma is blushing furiously as she speaks. Oh! Killian is stunned by this revelation, and Emma continues on before he has a chance to respond.

“Which I’m sure, due to our more enjoyable daily activities, you’ve noticed I haven’t had my monthly since being with you.” She lets that hang in the air between them for just a moment before continuing. “Killian, I think I know what’s wrong with me. The fact that I’m no longer intact makes it possible. It’s a full week after the sixth, I’m still getting sick almost a week after the attack, no one else is sick but me.” She finally looks him in the eye, still holding his hands. “I’m fairly certain…” Emma pauses a moment to gather her courage before finally revealing her life altering realization. “I’m certain I’m with child.” The tears that have been pooling in her eyes spill over, afraid of his reaction, terrified he’s going to push her away, even though rationally she knows he loves her, and would never do that to her. Damn hormones.

“Emma, you’re certain?” She’s too choked up to answer so she just nods. “Don’t cry, my love. I know this wasn’t something we had planned for, or even thought to take steps against for that matter. Nor is it something we had thought to talk about yet, but I think we’ll make damn fine parents.” He smiles brightly before wrapping her in a hug, kissing her senseless. When they break apart for air, he looks her straight in the eye. “Marry me? I’ve wanted you to be mine since the day we met. I would follow you to the end of the world, or time, and I will do everything in my power to make you happy. My life without you was hollow and dark, and now that you’ve come back into my life it feels like I’m seeing the sun for the first time in years. I will love you and our child with every fiber of my being.” He pauses for a moment so he can get down on one knee, then taking her hands in his he asks her again, “So, what do you say love? Will you marry me?”

Emma is stunned into silence, this is not the reaction she was expecting from him, though she really should have. When she notices the tips of his ears are pink from embarrassment and his smile starts to fade, she’s able to find her voice again. Emma gets down on her knees with Killian, and gathers him up in the strongest hug she can muster. “I would love to be your wife, Killian! I’ve dreamt of it for years, but the crew thinks we’re already married.”

“We can do a small ceremony for now, just you and me, under the stars, and do a larger, grander affair later if you want one. Maybe with your family there…” Killian helps Emma stand back up while they’re still entangled in their embrace, and he perches them back on the edge of their bed.

Her smile falters a little at the thought of her family, but she responds nonetheless, “That sounds perfect. When?”

“Tonight, if you’re feeling well enough for it.”

“Tonight then.”

With a quick kiss he gets up and walks over to his hidden floor safe, opening it up, he pulls out the simple jewelry box he keeps in there. He is looking for something that he has held on to, hoping for just such an occasion. His mother’s ring. It’s a beautiful silver band woven to resemble interlocked vines with a gorgeous two carat stone the same shade of blue as his eyes, the eyes his mother passed on to him and Liam. Sitting next to his mother’s ring is Liam’s ring, the last piece he has of his brother. He has never been able to bring himself to wear it, now it seems meant for this moment. It’s a large silver ring with a rather large emerald set flush in the band, the stone matching Emma’s eyes perfectly. How fitting. The stone in my ring will remind me of Emma’s eyes every time I look at it, and the stone in Emma’s will remind her of my eyes. … Hopefully. Killian takes out the two rings, then places the jewelry box back in the safe and closes it back up before walking over to Emma, who’s still sitting on the bed.

“So what do you think my love? Will they work?” He hands her the two rings to look at.

“They’re perfect. I can tell they’re well loved, who did they belong to?”

“Yours was my mother’s ring, passed to Liam when she died, then to me when he died. Mine… used to be Liam’s, I got it when he died.”

“Oh Killian, I’m sorry. If it’s too painful you don’t have to wear it.”

“I actually think he would like me wearing it like this, I know he would approve. He always liked you.”

“So, we’re really going to do this?”

“Only if you want to Emma, I’ve said before, I want you to be happy, and I will do anything in my power to ensure it. Do not mistake my words though, it would make me the happiest man alive to call myself your husband, and you my wife. But I’ve no wish to hurt you, or sully your reputation-”

Emma quickly cuts him off. “NO! I do want this; I think I always have. Granted this isn’t how I imagined it coming about, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you, or the fact that I want to be your wife. I want to be able to claim you as mine, and mine alone, as much as I am already yours and only ever was yours.”

◊◊◊

Much Later That Night

Killian and Smee are the only people on deck, having dismissed the night crew from their watch a few hours early, which Smee will finish for them after the ceremony is completed. Smee is to act as their witness and officiant even though technically the Captain is the one with the power to perform marriages. Killian’s nerves and excitement are rearing their head in the form of him pacing.

“Sir if I may. If you keep pacing you’re liable to walk through the deck.” Killian just gives him an unamused look. “I must admit sir, I never thought this day would come. I am glad though. She makes you happy. We are all happy for you, both of you.”

“Thank you Mr. Smee. All it took was finding the right woman, and she is the right woman. There is no one her equal, she exceeds every standard. She is the standard. Now we just have to hope the in-laws take the news well. But you and the crew should not expect any change in your Captain, just because I have found my Emma again.”

“Never sir, we would never try to take advantage like that.”

“I know you wouldn’t Smee, but Murdoch and Walsh definitely did…”

“Have you decided what to do about them yet?”

“I… no punishment I come up with feels like it fits their crime.”

“I’m sure you will come up with something sir, and they will be more than deserving of it. Is the Princess feeling better after that traumatic situation?”

“She seems to have put it past her completely.”

“I am very glad to hear it, sir.”

◊◊◊

Emma is putting on one of the two dresses she thought to bring, it’s her first time wearing a dress since her birthday. She’s thankful she thought to grab this dress and bring it with her, it’s perfect for tonight, she thinks. It’s a beautiful silvery grey, silk off-the-shoulder dress, form fitting, hugging her curves in all the right places, hinting at just the right amount of cleavage, while still being comfortable. Killian won’t know what hit him. Emma smiles thinking about Killian, and what tonight means for both of them. The three of us, she thinks happily. Wondering how long it will be before she starts showing, she rests both hands on her still flat belly, and takes a deep breath, “Well, I guess it’s time.”

She smiles as she exits the cabin to head for the stairs and her future. Both men turn hearing her approach, they’re stunned when they catch sight of her as she ascends the stairs up onto the deck. Killian strides over to escort her across the last expanse behind the helm where they’ll become husband and wife.

“You look radiant my love.”

Emma blushes as Killian presses a gentle kiss to her palm. “Thank you, you don’t look so bad yourself.”

“Captain. Princess. Shall we?”

Killian quickly looks at Emma before answering. “Yes Mr. Smee, please.”

Smee just nods his head, beaming at his Captain and his beloved. “We are here on this beautiful, starry, early morning, aboard this magnificent ship to join these two souls as husband and wife, until the end of time. Captain, you may proceed with your declarations.”

“Emma, my love my words are failing me now that we are finally here. Darling, I’m beyond grateful. I’m honored that you love me and have chosen that from this day forward we will walk through life as partners. As husband and wife. I promise to do everything in my power to make sure you know that you are loved and cherished. I will move heaven above and earth below to ensure that you are happy and never want for anything. I love you. And from this day forward know that I am yours body, heart, and soul.” Once he finishes speaking he reaches up with his thumb to brush away the tears rolling down her cheeks.

Smee clears his throat, sounding a little choked up with emotion. “Beautiful, Captain… now Princess, if you will.”

“Killian. My Killian, you were my first love, my only love, my true love. You had my heart from the moment we met, never once did I lose hope we would make it here. No one ever realized I was a girl who just wanted to be loved for being me, not for being the princess, but you did. I will never know how you saw the girl behind the princess, but you did, and I am grateful. Now that I have you back, I can’t imagine a life without you in it, and I’m glad that now I won’t ever have to. I love you. I will do my best to make you happy and ensure you feel my love, from this day forward I am yours body, heart, and soul.”

“Very touching, milady… now the rings. Captain, repeat after me please. With this ring, I, Killian Jones, pledge myself to you, body and soul, from now until the end of time.”  

As he slides his mother’s ring on Emma’s finger Killian repeats the sacred words. “With this ring, I, Killian Jones, pledge myself to you, body and soul, from now until the end of time.”

“Princess, please repeat after me. With this ring, I, Emma Swan, pledge myself to you, body and soul, from now until the end of time.”

She slides Liam’s ring onto Killian’s finger, trying not to cry. “With this ring, I, Emma Swan, pledge myself to you, body and soul, from now until the end of time.”

“With the exchange of rings and declarations of love, with the power provided to me by the Captain, I pronounce you husband and wife. Congratulations, Captain and Mistress Jones. You may kiss your bride, sir.”

Emma gives a watery chuckle as Killian sweeps her off her feet into an earth-shattering kiss filled with every ounce of their love. After a few moments Killian reluctantly breaks the kiss with his wife. Emma’s my wife, Gods above I love this woman, Killian thinks in awed disbelief.

“Thank you Mr. Smee, I think we shall retire for the morning. Be sure to get some rest when the morning watch comes to relieve you. Are we still on schedule to make Oldstown tomorrow afternoon?”

“It was entirely my pleasure, I am truly happy for the both of you. And, yes Captain, we are still on schedule. Should I expect to be in charge of the ship up until we dock, sir?”

“You know Smee, I would say that is a very good idea. But if there is something that needs my attention, know that you can come get me.”

“I will, sir. Again, many congratulations Captain, Mistress Jones. Enjoy your day and a half until we make port.”

“Thank you Mr. Smee, the Captain and I both appreciate your help in taking this special step that we’ve both been waiting for. And I appreciate everything you do for the ship, the crew, and my husband. I hope you have a pleasant rest of the morning.” She walks up hugging him, surprising him, before returning to Killian’s side.

“Good day Mr. Smee.”

“Good day Captain. Mistress.”

“Shall we? Mistress Jones.”

Emma’s heart stutters with happiness. Mistress Jones… we’re married. Finally, he is mine as much as I am his. And to think a month ago I was worried he wouldn’t remember me.

“We shall, Captain Jones.”

Gods above how did I get so lucky? Is this another dream? I will never take Emma’s love for granted… she and our children will never doubt my devotion.

Arriving at the doors to the Captain’s cabin, Killian lifts Emma to carry her across the threshold of their cabin, kissing her thoroughly in the process.

“Killian, you don’t have to carry me, I’m not far enough along that I can’t walk.”

“Love, it is tradition that the husband carry his wife across the threshold of their marriage suite. You don’t want to invite bad luck now do you?”

She playfully swats him in the chest, shaking her head. “No. I guess we wouldn’t want that. Now are you ever going to put me down?”

“Never, love. Never. Now that I have you, I never intend to let you go. And as soon as we get to Oldstown we will seek out the doctor to make sure you are okay.” She starts to interrupt him, but he just raises a hand to stop her, allowing her legs to settle on the floor while keeping his other arm wrapped around her back. “No. You will not fight me on this love, we will have you looked at by the doctor to make sure there are no surprises. After we leave Oldstown it’s still another week, good wind and weather permitting, before we make it to Arendelle. I will not take any chances with your health and life, nor the health and life of our child.” His tone brooks no arguments.

“Killian. Even though we are now married, and even with me being in my condition, neither one negates the fact that I still have to face the Evil Queen.”

“That may be Emma, but we will not take any unnecessary chances and risk you or the baby. I will not try to keep you from your destiny of taking on the Evil Queen, but we will do this the smart way, which does not include charging off half-cocked.”

“Aye-Aye, Captain,” she says. Emma knows he is just concerned for her, but if he insists on orders then she will answer accordingly.

“Now, now, darling, I am not trying to upset you, nor do I wish to control you. Perhaps I need to work on the words I choose?”

“Perhaps,” is her only reply.

“When we arrive in Oldstown I would like to seek out the doctor so he can make sure you and the baby are well. We still have a ways to go before Arendelle, and I think it is better to have you both checked now. Would you agree?”

“That’s better, pirate.” She smiles at him to let him know she does appreciate the sentiment.

“Aye, I thought so,” he replies cheekily, “now let’s get you off to bed, it has been far too long since I have ravished you.” A shiver of anticipation runs up her spine at his words. “I like the dress darling, it’s very becoming on you.”

“I thought you might like it.”

“I think I might like it better on the floor.”

Killian made good on his promise of ravishing her, well past dawn, and every moment they weren’t sleeping until Oldstown came into sight.

◊◊◊

A/N : If anyone is curious, Oldstown is the Southernmost town within the borders of Arendelle. Also, fun fact, I've had this chapter written and queued up since February, and I think the similarities between mine and the shows proposal is adorably funny.

All the thanks to @hollyethecurious for making this lovely aesthetic/collage.

Chapter Nine

Tagging some lovelies to enjoy: @ilovemesomekillianjones, @seriouslyhooked, @jennjenn615, @flslp87, @laschatzi, @ultraluckycatnd, @kmomof4, @xhookswenchx

#cs ff #CS fanfics #lieutenant duckling #captain duckling #cs ff au #As Destiny Has Its Eyes On You #winterbaby89writes #cs smut #Captain Swan #killian jones #emma swan

[teddy-feathers]

My dads a bully and an asshole. I cant raise my voice when excited and talking to mom about something without getting yelled at for yelling. Mom tells dad to hush im not yelling just empathic - actually true. Dad yells back that he doesnt care if its mothers day or that she has a broken leg - she needs to shut the hell up. Just for Christ sake if you can raise your voice and growl and throw things that displease you onto the floor - and expect me to pick it up - then you can deal with me being happy talking about shit you dont give a shit about a little but louder than my " inside voice " . For god sake you expect me to talk to you about anything? Like the other day we go out to dinner for whatever fucking reason - i dont want to go but i get told to stop complaining because theres something in it for me (i e the food I'm not hungry for and would rather not eat rn when there are left overs) - and we start talking about star wars. I like TFA better than Rogue one. Even aside from the fact they tanked all the cannon outside the movies (dad is all the salt about btw) he doesnt like TFA because to him its the SAME story, at least Rouge one was NEW. I disagree. "Defend yourself" like he LIKES arguing about fun stuff too but I mean not liking i dunno fandom drama online let alone irl aside this man has made damn sure throughout my entire life up to present day making sure I want to cry ( reguardless of intention thats what he did ) when i THINK hes upset let alone disagree or back talk or be disrespectful... So you really think I'm going to get into even a "friendly debate" with you when you ROUTINELY tell me my opinion is wrong, that other people are stupid or ignorant or... Just not no but hell no. I mean seriously just since Friday anytime we've disagreed with something he's said its "when are you going to learn I know what I'm talking about" and moms "lied" to him by ommission which IS a thing I grant you but you know what lies take fucking intent and mom was a bit distracted what with feeling stupid over falling down a mountain and breaking her god blessed leg. Maybe she SHOULD have thought more before letting herself be bundled into an ambulance when we could have gotten her but again kinda not at her best right then - more to the point I'll bet you dollars to donuts youre REALLY more mad at yourself you didnt ask more questions when she said she fell. And now youre TRYING to start fights for me Im honestly assuming because Ive somehow managed to strike a lovely balance of "im tired and letting your bs sweep by me as I treat you like an obstacle" attitude without actually quite crossing into being disrespectful. I mean we both know that by your standarda im being disrespectful but i havent given you anything to really work with so go me and heres hoping i can keep it up. I mean seriously. Moms dresser is coveres in things to be put away. Dad calls me cause moms legs broken and he's on the bed with hed cause back pain. So i pick up a sweater. Mom: that gets hung up Dad: well how tf fuck are yougoing to do that when you have no hangers Me: thats what you think **leaves to get hangers from my closet** Dad: when the fuck are you people going to learn I know what I'm talking about **leaves in an obviously upset state** A) had hangers. Maybe mom didnt but i did. B) isnt it YOU always on about asking stupid questions and thinking before i speak and paying attention? C) WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW AM I GOING TO HANG UP THE SHIRT OBVIOUSLY ID GO GET ONE FROM THE LAUNDRY ROOM IF THERE WERE NONE UPSTAIRS WHY ARE YOU PICKING A FIGHT WHEN I'M DOING WHAT YOU WANT And its like that with EVERYTHING. We are all hard headed and stubborn and want our way. Welcome to the fucking Hyde family. But its only okay when its YOURE dumb ass pride that gets us into trouble? Fuck that. Youre a grown ass man. Youre married which is a partnership not a DICKtatorship. But fine. Youre both adults and if mom doesnt want to fight and let things slide FINE thats yalls business. But I'm a grown ass adult how you treat and act and speak to me and my mother is disrespectful as hell and im tired of being threatend everytime my tone and temper get away from me. Im tired of you saying my shits unacceptable when its only a fraction of your own behavior thrown back at you and not only did i learn it from you youre the one driving me to it with your bs. I am tired. And yeah I'm not in a good place financially rn. But I've been homeless before and did paasibly well for myself. And I've noticed that since I've come back you havent said a word about your house and the door. You do and I'll leave. You grab me ever fucking again and I'll leave. Your behavior gets a smidge worse and maybe Ill fucking SHOW you yelling and then leave. Hell the only reason I'm putting up with you is because of mom and I DO want a functioning relationship with my family. And i know thats what you want too so why the fuck are you doing everything possible to.make me hate you? Why cant you pull your head out of your ass? I CANT fucking tell you what youre doing to your face because youve ensured youre never fucking listening when ive tried and turned it into a lecture about something else. Or gotten a stick up your ass about my tone when YOURES is what goaded mine. Youve made sure i feel weak for getting upset and crying or having any issue at all with you. I feel guilty because I should "know better" than to get upset and show it or tell you anything because youll turn it around and use it against me. I didnt magic up these fears and issues. Im not playing the victim. Im not making them out larger to be than they are. No you havent actually abused me. Yes youve helped me out. Yes youre not charging me rent or anything and let me live here and just need me to help out. But youre attitude and behavior and just... I get sick, literally nauseous with anger and upset and fear and guilt and everything just being in the same room with you for too long - especially if there isnt an active chore to be done. Im so fucking done. Youre a grown man you need to fucking act like it.

[factotum-9]

need a space to put my problems out there. dunno how to add the "read more" filter soo skip if you already have enough issues written in melodramatic runon sentences. (on another note, tumblr stepped up its font game finally, im living for this serif title.)

I know this blog is rather dead and no one I really know irl is on anymore or maybe (hopefully?) doesnt remember exactly who i am. but! long story short, I'm really, really, really not doing okay, in any form. lets break it down to the good ole trope of threes shall we? physically, mentally, and socially.

...

physically, ive never really had consistent and daily life inhibiting issues. broken bones sure but nothing chronic like this awfully harsh case of crohns. when the diagnosis came through, a lot of things clicked into place as to why x y and z things have been happening. What made it all fall apart is how aggressively persistent its "spread" and became more and more symptomatic despite the supposed early catch diagnosis. went from mild steroid pills to at home biologic shots all the way to the current three times a week hospital visit for infusions and talk about possible chemo therapy.. in less than a 3 year span. in the past 5 years theres not been a day without some kind of physical pain of some sort, and just as anyone can easily guess, it gets really old really quickly. and then you get use to it, then it gets worse, then it gets old and you get the idea. as soon as you get to manageable it has to change, so far its only been change for the worse. it keeps getting worse but the worst of it all is that I know ive exhausted all of my options for now, especially for dealing with this bloating, bleeding, bile and pain. the help of it all has been menial at best, non existent at worse. which leads to...

I have an inevitable resectioning surgery that needs to happen this year, and another highly possible one for '19. its exactly what it sounds like, take out a chunk of the bowl and fix it the two ends back together. I can go on and on about how my insurance isnt going to do me much good on this $20k endeavour, how a permanent stoma has a 50/50 chance of being a necessity, how I'll be bed ridden for upwards of two months with no non medical visitors, how I'll more than likely be fired from my job. "whatever" and other varieties of poor humor is how im coping with all of this at the moment.. whatever.

...

mentally, well. let me throw up a quote from failsafe, a destiny 2 AI character, "... ugh. I'm a mess." followed by "we know, failsafe. we know," -cayde6. as i hope its comically implied, this is old news.. way old news. with that said, i have had much more practice at dealing with the mental stuff.. actually a bit too much practice. being pushed into high functionality has its pros and cons. like being high functioning is the good pro, i can act in everyday life and be independent, which i will never ever take for granted. it also made me fiercely logical AND a sensitive empath, and that these are capitalized on the upswings of these mental illnesses. the cons are completely loosing sense of yourself by promptly throwing it away and being replaced by carefully chosen memorized scripts for each possible interaction and each iteration of these interactions (except for the ones you dont prepare for, which you dont talk about.. literally). this has on one hand allowed me to survive, and with the other simultaneously loadand shoot the gun that I can now recognize as irrevocable self destruction & degradation.

as i write this, i just kind of realized that depression is actually the first daily life inhibiting issue. hind sight is far too clear and bright to look back on right now and I keep hoping later down the line when the distance helps shade my eyes but I believe for now that's a catch 22 I'll continue to loop in just because its comfortable not to change.. that comfort is inherently a deep root of my mental issue tree, with the trunk as myself, and big brances and leafs as high functionality. most others tell me im too beautiful to be chopped down, when in my reality I know Im merely seeing how many rings I can grow before timber.

...

socially, you know I always thought if I didnt have others to be around then social issues wouldnt exist for me. the logic here had failed me so exponentially worse than any other assumption that I'm still reeling from its initial conception. burning misanthropy created by skewed experiences and a vehement need for self protection really brought me to my knees, reguardless that I was far too jaded and proud to see otherwise. interestingly enough it also lead me to early self discovery, which has been convenient. having a steady knowledge of how to manipulate & control myself really helped keep everything together. allowed me to act and extend myself as an all in one captain and crew.

now I just feel gross, isolated, lonely, and somehow also deserving these feelings. i am aware i brought this upon myself, but remember what i said above about hindsight. making friends and connections are hard, living in a fundamentally & culturally different area 1500 miles away from (the "hometown") has helped none. i have never before been so unsure of myself, so less confident. its exasperated a lot of anger because i feel like ive been swindled. my pattern has always been the bigger the change in my life the better the outcome, and that I thrive on and rely on this change. I dont want to say ive never been so wrong. my patterns are rarely wrong because of the effort put into finding them.

one thing ive thought for as long as I can possibly remember is that I wouldnt live to see past the age of 20. in many ways, that became my self fulfilling prophecy. in many ways, its true that i didnt live to see past 20. Im sitting here hoping its only hibernation and not death.

#personal