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centrally-unplanned · 3 years

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Allocating Your Aesthetic Budget: Sailor Moon Edition

Sailor Moon is a show that undoubtedly built a powerhouse of a visual brand. Should I even bother posting a screenshot of the sailor scouts, given that I am 100% confident anyone reading this can recall them instantly? I guess it won’t hurt:

Anime is often really good at creating iconic designs like this, through repetition of the visuals. It is awkward in live action shows if characters just wear the same outfit every scene (what, they only own one outfit? Are they homeless/work in the tech industry?), but animation gives us enough aesthetic “distance”, an awareness that this isn’t accurate to real life, that you can buy into the conceit. By wearing the same outfit every time, it just becomes the character. Not to mention a studio can really save quite a few bucks by streamlining production with neat tricks like having only one character design to animate - when you are on a shoe-string budget, like pretty much every anime in the 90’s was, every cut corner counts.

What is interesting about Sailor Moon is that most of the time it doesn’t really use this conceit at all.

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Episode 15 of Sailor Moon’s first season has, in its opening act, this shot of all of the Senshi (at the time) talking to the plot-of-the-day character, who clearly trains rock Pokemon in 16-bit caves in his off hours:

If you knew nothing about these three characters, you could probably infer about 80% of their personality just from their outfits. Usagi (the blond one in the middle, if that's necessary) is wearing:

Light pastel colours, with pink on top of that: girly, feminine, bubbly and breezy

Short-but-not-too-short of a skirt, and red heels: cares about fashion, wants to project an image of being a woman with a romantic hint to it

Long-twin tails w/ buns: Contrasting the shoes, she is still immature and childish. It also means she is the protagonist of an anime

Rei (far right) rocks a very different look:

T-shirt and jean shorts, shoes over heels: sensible, practical, a bit sporty

Very short shorts, long black hair: Confident, a bit aggressive, and suggestive of a more overt sexuality

Ami (far left) settles into a more restrained vibe with:

Full, long, but sleeveless dress, bob-cut hair: Chaste, more conservative, but not to the point of prudishness; particularly with the length (and the hand posture, shielding her body) probably a bit shy

Monochrome blue colour in outfit & hair: reserved, serene, possessing a calm demeanor

I know I have seen the show already, but really none of these details are a stretch - this is just the language of fashion. And all of these outfits are outfits that the characters have never (or rarely) worn before up until this point. The cast of Sailor Moon, far from that animation conceit of “standard outfits”, change clothes all…

the….

time.

I just randomly clicked on episodes to find these, it requires no hunting

And while it isn’t always as spot on as the top picture, they all in some way embody the language of visual design to speak to the personality of the characters. If you want to see more, check out one of the multiple tumblrs dedicated to the everyday clothing the Sailor Senshi wear, because of course those exist.

If this was a 2010’s Kyoto Animation show, pointing this out would be the end of it - every one of their shows has this level of impeccable detail. Sailor Moon is notable in that it is not at all that kind of show; the animation and designs in Sailor Moon take perpetual shortcuts to get the job done. I don’t think the transformation sequences need to be belabored - the way they permitted the team to recycle identical animation sequences, multiple times per episode, was surely a godsend to the production schedule. Yet not all of the budget limitations are so prettily masked:

I’m sure they finished the background art in the...VHS release?

The show is filled with dirty animation, unfinished backgrounds, backgrounds that are a simple color gradient for no clear reason, and so on. It is clear that the Sailor Moon team did not have the resources for every detail - which is why the decision of what details they did choose to prioritize is so interesting.

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What is the point of Sailor Moon? I do believe that shows have “points”; and by that I don’t mean a message or theme but a core appeal to an audience, something specific that they will get out of the show. Almost every show appeals along multiple axes, and Sailor Moon is no exception, but I want to focus on one: aesthetic identification.

If you learn someone is a Sailor Moon fan, there is the obvious follow-up question you have to ask, namely “which Sailor Senshi are you?” It’s the which-Harry-Potter-house-are-you question of anime, a horoscope where you can choose your sign (in this case literally). The premise of this concept is not hard for media to execute on - it is just personality traits and aesthetics grouped together under a label, a basic building block of media and clickbait internet quizzes. Harry Potter, ironically, raised up its memetic question almost by accident, as its focus is so squarely on House Gryffindor that the others are almost forgotten; it was just so mind-bogglingly popular that it didn’t matter.

Sailor Moon, however, takes this concept and allocates so much of its aesthetic budget into making it a centerpiece of the show. Sailor Moon herself is a klutzy, lazy romantic, Sailor Mercury is a shy, earnest bookworm, and so on, with none of them ever really becoming very complex characters. However, the show devotes itself to making you *feel* these archetypes as strongly and intricately as possible. All of those outfit changes are chosen because not only do real girls care about their outfits and can therefore identify more strongly with characters who do the same, but so they can constantly emulate their archetype in diverse, different ways. The show doesn't have the budget for intense action scenes, so after Sailor Moon engages in her hyper-serious transformation sequences, she proceeds to, nearly every time, bumble through the combat scenes like this:

Oh sure, the scenes are done this way because it is funny (and good comedy can be done on any budget - these shots are frequently still frames with motion lines!), but it is also done this way because Sailor Moon is a total screw-up, and if you identify with that it is validating to see someone “just like you” able to pull off wins despite it all. The transformation sequences are not only beautiful animation that showcases aspirational power, but are also crafted to highlight the personalities of the Senshi in question - unless you think aggressive, combative Rei got fire powers by coincidence. Half of the run-time of every episode is spent, not on the plot du-jour, but on light-hearted personal squabbles between the cast because those scenes are not just funny, but also allow for far more moments of character expression.

All of that work pays off in building with the audience, not a connection with a character who reflects their identity in total, but a connection that reflects one aspect of their identity in an extremely deep (dare I say multifaceted?) way. I think if you were to describe Sailor Moon as a “shallow” show, you would actually be right to say so, in a sense. These characters will never have the true depth of personality, themes and so on of a more ‘adult’ show. But those adult shows have to spend their effort somewhere - for all that the themes of say Evangelion or Paranoia Agent are pristinely detailed and impactful, you aren’t ever going to be memorizing the moves of their transformation sequences. The way Sailor Moon committed so strongly to fleshing out the archetypes the Senshi stood for is, I think, one of the keys to how this cast of five became so iconic.

Not even their school uniforms match! They had to spend time in-universe *justifying* this!

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A Final Note:

At least, everything I’ve said here applies to Sailor Moon at its peaks. The show, however, is not one without its stumbles, even in Season 1. This section doesn’t flow into the core essay too well, but I wanted to note it because if you were to watch Sailor Moon today, you might struggle to feel the dynamic outlined above. The biggest culprit here is the length - Season 1 is 46 episodes long, and sections of it most certainly drag. They also take a startlingly long time to introduce the cast - this choice builds tension around their arrival, but it also means the later Senshi get a lot less time to establish themselves. Sailor Venus in particular gets hamstrung by this - she is introduced and then immediately arc plot elements sweep the narrative, and so she is left as a hollow shell for some time. The pacing of the show is undoubtedly flawed.

I think Sailor Moon is a show that you do have to keep its time and place in mind for - namely, middle schoolers and anime nerds watching it on broadcast TV in the 90’s. As an adult you “get” the point of the show pretty quickly, and get satiated on it almost as fast. Watching it all in a few sittings only heightens this problem. For a younger audience, and one that is waiting for a week between episodes with no internet for plot reminders, all that extra time is needed to jog memories and build connections. And younger audiences just have that limitless commitment to the things they love! If you think no one could actually enjoy seeing the same transformation sequence for the 30th time, watch it with someone who would have died for this show when they were 10 and you will be disabused of that notion *very* quickly.

Still, we can’t travel back in time - Sailor Moon is a show of its era. There are “filler-reduced” guides out there, though I caution that the plot of Sailor Moon is absolutely not the point of the show in comparison to the character dynamics, and so sometimes the filler is the best part (Cat-Rhett Butler is the best character in the show YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT). Certainly, however, some method must be used to cut down on its length. If you are going to be a first time viewer in adulthood, that reality should be kept in mind, and if you do accept it for what it is you can really appreciate its core appeal - and don’t forget to finish it off with a 1990′s era internet personality quiz to really wrap it up!

#essay #anime analysis #sailor moon

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sablerosecosplay · 3 years

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PERSONAL GENDER RANT

⚠️TW: Personal Gender Struggles, Internalized Transphobia, Alt Right YouTube Mention⚠️

Also, I apologize for the long post, I still haven’t figured out how to put things under a cut.

So Gender is honestly kind of confusing. Recently, I've been feeling both masculine and feminine in my presentation as of late and feeling dysphoria in my chest. I'm not exactly sure why I feel so painfully mentally aware of my breasts. Then when I try to question my gender, I start to feel almost guilty. It's like I'm invalidating myself. I begin to feel like bigender isn't a real thing and I'm just a "transtrender" for attention. Which makes no sense because when someone I love comes out as nonbinary, genderfluid, and the like, I pour out nothing but love and support. What makes me so different that I suddenly no longer feel valid.

It's honestly a wild experience. I remember when I was originally out as bigender to my friends. They were great but I also was always reminded that I'm "such a pretty girl," "your hair is so long and pretty," by those in positions of authority above me in college. Back then it honestly hurt me so badly I remember being in tears about it. I had support but it was such a different time that there was no way I could properly explain it. During performances I would have to wear dresses because as far as anyone knew I was a normal woman. During my last Christmas concert for my college career, wearing the dresses and being perceived as female was such a painful experience I spent most of those nights distressed and crying. When I tried to come out to classmates they would disregard me and sweep my words under the rug. I tried so hard to present masculine to get even a crumb of validation, and nothing. I remember even coming out to someone because I was tired of not being taken seriously when I'm male. She responded with saying that couldn't exist because gender roles didn't matter anyway. She kind of had the spirit but missed the point completely. It wasn't my expression, it was my actual gender identity.

Fast forward three years, I became one of the most hyper feminine people I've ever met. I love dresses and heels as well as lipstick. I would wear false lashes and style my long hair to be a queen amongst peasants. I then decided to identify as cis female because it was like my dysphoria had faded.

Then 2020 happened. To be honest a lot of personal issues from three years ago resurfaced. This one was the one I least expected. I decided to get into my favorite cosplay for the first time in a long time. He's an incubus OC that I've had for about two years now. That was the first time I ever felt gender euphoria. I looked at myself in the mirror, my contour, my short spiky wig, and the outfit. I saw myself. The last time I looked in a mirror and went "there you are," was when I first dyed my hair black back in October. I felt the happiest and most authentic that I did in months.

When I removed it I saw myself again, and I love myself. It's taken a long time to love how I look. But that familiar discomfort of my chest had returned. I suddenly felt like I wanted my chest to be flat like my boyfriend's. What confuses me is the fact that some days I want my breasts to be completely gone, other days I love them and wish I didn't have a smaller bust.

I feel myself being pulled in those two directions again, one side of me loves being a beautiful woman, the other desperately wishes to be a strong man.

I think something that goes further into this is the fact that just about every character I find comfort in or relate to heavily (dare I say, at one point kinned) are almost all exclusively male. I struggle to think of any female characters I see myself in. Thats followed me for a long, long time and even into my own character creation process.

I feel stuck in the middle of a match of tug of war. Am I female? I'm pretty sure. Am I male? I honestly think I could be as well. My cycle then starts again, the feeling of liberation and euphoria in knowing who I may be. This is quickly followed with great shame. What if I'm faking this? What if I'm just performing to feel special? I remember the feeling of always being painfully aware of my chest and wanting it off of my body. It validates me some days but others I'm just not sure. I also remember how I feel with pronouns as well. I don't mind She/Her whatsoever most days. Then I realize how I feel with He/Him. It's honestly pretty nice. I enjoy being perceived as a handsome young man. The sensation is almost overwhelming some days.

To be honest I think a lot of it stems from a time in my life I was preyed on by parasocial relationships. Back around the time I originally identified as bigender, youtube was at its peak of the antifeminist and alt right movement of content creation. I consumed more of this than I should have (never got too far) and unfortunately used to watch people like Blaire White and Sargon of Akkad in order to feel smart. I never realized the blatant homophobia and transphobia they were exposing me to. It made me think that anything aside from male, female, transmale, and transfemale didn't exist and people just wanted to be special. I never realized how much I internalized it until now.

Once upon a time I happily identified as bigender and/or genderfluid and it was something that I was proud of. Now I look at these words and I feel ashamed of them. Not for other people, but myself. I feel much more than just a woman, I feel like I'm both a woman and a man. I strongly identify with these two genders. However I still have the doubts louder than they were three years ago.

I guess the point of this is to just get all my thoughts out of my head. Words of encouragement and maybe even some clarity would be highly appreciated. At the end of the day though, it means a lot to be listened to. Thank you.

#gender #bigender #gendernonconforming #gender identity #gender nonconformity #gender struggling #personal #gender fluid #genderfluid

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amphtaminedreams · 4 years

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A/W 2020 Fashion Month & Top 20 Collections: Before Vogue Went Blank (Part 4)

Hi all,

Welcome to part 4! It’s gonna be a bit of a shorter one because I wasn’t sure if I could fit the last few collections into my part 3 since I also want to include a ranking of my favourite F/W20 shows. I have so many ideas for what I’d like my next few posts to be (there’ll probably be a bit of gap between them as I would like to try and get some fiction writing in too) and I need help and recommendations on one post in particular so I thought I’d open by explaining that if anyone would like to send me suggestions! The post is basically going to highlight the often under-appreciated personal style of PoC, and I’d also like to make sure I include all types of bodies and genders and ethnicities (other than white girls, as we get enough credit as it is, all a tall, skinny blonde woman has to do is wear some light wash jeans, heels and a blouse and high fashion Twitter are posting non-stop about how incredible her style is)! This can be a celebrity, a model, an influencer or even just one of your friends if you think they deserve some hype too! Obviously there’s only so many photos I can include but I will make sure to look at any suggestions, though of course I’m gonna be biased towards the grungier looks; I gave Dolls Kill a pass for a long time because I thought the brand had changed and become more responsible over the last few years but since Shoddy Lynn’s thoughtless Instagram post during the protests last month and then her lacklustre response video, I say fuck that “goth is white” bullshit, alternative black women are hot af. I’ll also make sure to include a list of my favourite black owned clothing lines I’ve seen people talking about on Twitter and Instagram so again, if you have any suggestions feel free to inbox me. Other than that, I have a couple of lookbooks planned and after, either a post about my favourite shows for style inspiration OR a lookbook depending on whether I have the clothes to do it already/can source a few things from Depop-Depp-I’ve made a commitment not to buy anything new for the next couple of months and I want to stick to that this time round! I’d also like to do a general collation of my favourite summer outfits, an almost scrapbook-y kinda post, and another post on some of my favourite fashion icons (I’ll probs end up repeating a lot of the women from the post I was talking about above but I’ll try and include different outfits to keep it varied!).

Now, into the final part, and the top 20, starting with Tory Burch (I’m really pissed off because I added an unnecessary E in after the R and now Tumblr is once again being stupid and not saving any of my editing changes-also I said on the next post instead of in in the last paragraph and my anal-retentiveness is kicking into high gear).

You’d think it’s a kinda anti-climatic one to open with but I do like this collection! It reminds me a bit of last season’s Miu Miu but more so of Brock’s general aesthetic, though with more layers and in some ways to its detriment, a lot more wearable. Looking like something from a bygone era is part of what gives Brock its mystique, but Burch’s designs are practically made for the Chelsea born and bred lifestyle blogger who dresses for a cold spell in the Coachella valley all year long and treats trawling Pimlico’s furniture shops and meeting their girlfriends for coffee like it’s a full-time job. She’s probably born into money and doesn’t work all that hard but hey, she looks angelic holding a bouquet of flowers and in 2020 we all low-key want her life, right? It’d go against my ethics but...*whispers* it would be nice to be that girl just for a couple of days. It is a gorgeous collection, with a lush colour palette and an ever graceful variety of prints and textures, and it toes the line of being accessible and being worthy of a fashion week spot with dexterity. 8/10 and it only loses marks because it’s safe for the brand.

When it comes to Valentino, they’re a pretty reliable favourite for me, and this season’s collection doesn’t break tradition; this one is slightly grittier than usual too which is a big win for me. Whilst the usual sophistication and delicate details are there, quirky embroidery, sequins and tulle, we also get a lot of leather and more black than usual, which I pray doesn’t a herald a return to people thinking “I only own black clothes and listen to Artic Monkeys” is a personality trait. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but there seems to be a lot of aquatically inspired pieces in this collection too; the 3d roses resemble scales to me (and are a really unique texture), and the way the tulle is placed kinda reminds me of fins and has a mermaid on land feel. It wouldn’t surprise me, since Valentino does tend to draw from nature quite a bit. Highs for me were the Valentino red tulle piece and the tulle pieces in general, of course with the embroidered florals as well which the basic bitch in me always looks forward to. The few lows were concentrated in the leopard print section, a print that for me is really overdone and reminds me of recent Dolce and Gabbana. It was cool when layered with the matching coat but I otherwise could’ve done without it.

Vera Wang is another one of my reliable faves-I think I like this collection even more than the last, it really is a fucking DREAM. The overly floral pieces I wasn’t too keen on but I’ll ignore that on the basis that as with Gucci, the tulle-harness combo is everything I look for in a dress and more. I know manic-pixie-dream-girl is a bit of a slur (not a slur slur but you know what I mean) in terms of the associated character, but this 90s Courtney Love grunge twist on that aesthetic is gold, fully realised big anarchist fairy energy (which is a screen name I’m surprised I don’t see more often and which I might now steal). These dresses were made for someone like Zoe Kravitz or FKA Twigs on the red carpet, and if god forbid I somehow ever ended up on one, I would go to the ends of the earth to be wearing one of the dresses from this collection. Aside from the dresses, I appreciated the moody doesn’t-want-to-be-at-the-family-function teenager inspired sleeves and the 2014 Tumblr Cruel Intentions style knee high socks. Love, love, LOVE it.

So, Versace started off strong with the all black looks-the cut outs were cute if impractical and the fit and flare trousers in particularly were really well fitted (from a distance, at least). I hated the film Red Sparrow but the visuals were very cool, and this section reminded me of that, like a high fashion collection based on Jennifer Lawrence’s character. There were some stunning colour combos in the Ashish like hyper-floral part too, and the houndstooth, marble and Versace tile prints were sick. The black jumper with the flowers on reminds me of a jumper of my nan’s I always wanted that my aunty ended up donating to a charity shop after she died not knowing I liked it. Gutted (not just about the jumper obviously, looool).

HOWEVER, as with many 91 look collections, it was sloppy at times. A lot of pieces I at first liked (I.E the silver dress we saw Kendall Jenner in, included above) are kind of unfinished up close. There was also a big varsity inspired section which was nice at times but got pretty repetitive and occasionally looked like it could pass for Jack Wills or a bad Michael Kors collection. On the whole, it had both its pros and its cons which puts it directly in the middle of the pack.

Victoria Beckham’s collection is near the lower-middle quartile when it comes to plotting the highs and lows of the F/20 collections. The pieces are pretty and accessible, I’d definitely wear them, but they’re predictable and mostly a rip-off of other brands who did something similar in a more interesting way. Though her collections are never really experimental, this one is particularly safe, and she and whoever helped design this season’s pieces were clearly avoiding the edges of the box like a child playing the floor is lava. It’s alright, and I hate coming towards the end of the post with negativity, but I have to be honest, and this just doesn’t really interest me beyond a “yeah, that’s nice” glance.

Vivienne Westwood, on the other hand, is always interesting whether I would actually wear it myself or not. Despite the mix and matchiness that is essential to the deconstructed look, which being the basic bitch I am I often struggle to see past, there were some gorgeous pieces and eurgh, I could really talk about that Bella Hadid look all day. The contrast between the exaggerated femininity of the waist cinchers against the androgyny of the less structured, oversized pieces is a really interesting one and the colour combinations work beautifully together. I also love the idea behind the collection, which is, in the words of Andreas Kronthaler about “rites of spring, and the good and the bad, and conflict, and the good prevailing over evil”. Ahhh, I hear you say. THAT’S what’s with the garlic necklace. Can I get another pat on the back for summing up this collection as “vampire slaying uniform” in my notes? I mean, that’s kind of a good vs. evil situation, isn’t it? I know it’s hard to ignore how hot vampires always are in TV series and movies but just think of the true forms of the ones off Penny Dreadful and remember THEY DRINK BLOOD (I personally think being a vampire would be really cool, just need to work out how to do it “ethically”).

Lastly, Zimmerman, and I really can’t say how happy I am to end on a positive note because this collection was stunning. Not without all the characteristically ornate, indulgent and painstakingly detailed efforts we’ve come to expect from Nicky and Simone Zimmerman, these looks (in an icy winter themed colour palette as well) are the offspring of a sophisticated flower child and a 70s glam rocker and I think with this sentence I’ve finally put my style aspirations into words. Honestly, give me the money to produce a modern day Almost Famous and I’ll make my character this no-nonsense intersectional feminist front woman of a fictional Haim-like band who sings with the voice of an angel but is rock and roll as fuck and eats men for breakfast and I’ll put her in this collection and (deep breath) it would be ICONIC. There. Got to the point eventually. Am I talking about a 2020s version of Steve Nicks? Possibly. After all, I do have a framed illustration of her on my wall. But regardless, I need those lace-up velvet BOOTS, that mesh dress with the celestial embroidery, the flame detail pieces, the white pussy bow blouse with the eyes on it. Everything is sooo dreamy; when I was looking through the collection for my favourites, I saved pretty much every. single. look. IT’S EVERYTHING I STRIVE TO BE. WHY CAN’T I AFFORD ZIMMERMAN GOD DAMN IT!?

See, I’ll be going on about Zimmerman in a couple of paragraphs again because it will be very high in my top 20, which I’m so glad is a top 20 BTW. I know I said it would be a top 10 in my last post because I thought that was how I structured it last time but I double checked and it is 20, which is a relief; once again, picking only 10 collections would be very hard. SO! Let’s get into it!

1. Gucci

I hate being predictable but Gucci once again holds the top spot for me. How could I not love this? I would say that I hope Alessandro Michele fucks up next season so I don’t come off as a boot licker but when the boots in question are platform Mary Janes and knee high socks and they’re underneath tulle with BDSM inspired harnesses on top...maybe boot sole doesn’t taste so bad after all.

2. Zimmerman

Well, I did say it wouldn’t be long until you were seeing the same outfits again, so at least you know my word is good.

3. Moschino

Wow, as if putting Gucci first again wasn’t bad enough, Moschino’s also a non-mover. But...Marie Antoinette this season and Picasso last? And this campy? It’s like Jeremy Scott reached into my brain magician-into-a-top-hat-style, picked out an interest of mine at random, and tried to communicate this to me through the medium of design with THE most chaotic energy humanly possible. I an only commend the man, because he succeeded, and I approve. It’s weird because before I always saw Jeremy Scott’s designs as tacky and yet I’ve loved all the collections I’ve reviewed, so I must ask...are the collections getting less tacky or am I getting more tacky? Much to think about.

4. Vera Wang

The battle armour of a punk princess. Not very good at protecting against knives, arrows, bullets or...anything really, but I’ve never really been the kind of person to get into physical fights (apart with a bouncer who tried to push me down the stairs once at an ABBA night but I was really drunk and she was mean, alright!?), so who cares? Nobody can make you do anything in dresses this pretty.

5. Lanvin

I’m a few years behind everyone else but I’m still on the Mad Men hype train and I don’t ever want to get off. All I wish is that Betty Draper had *SPOILERS* divorced Don’s detty arse earlier and rode off into the sunset in that white Bella Hadid coat with the red lip to match (or the checkered one above will do).

6. Etro

As long as she remains the queen of dreamy bohemian fashion, I’m not gonna do Etro dirty by putting her any lower than this ever again on the basis that she’s not conceptual enough which ashamedly is what I implied in my last ranking-yes, Etro is a she because just as most women deserve more from men, she is beautiful and deserves better than my previous disrespect! I said what I said.

7. Dilara Findikoglu

I see your Thom Browne and your Commes Des Garcons and I raise you my “weird”-though-not-actually-that-weird-at-all-can-we-all-just-dress-like-this-on-a-day-to-day-basis-please? fave, Dilara.

8. Paco Rabanne

Battle armour that actually COULD protect you against knives, arrows, and bullets. Maybe. Well, you’d hope so anyway for the price.

9. Rodarte

Suddenly my phobia of spiders has evaporated. And no, it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that these ones are diamond encrusted, what are you on about?

10. Alberta Ferretti

The colour combinations in this collection were stunning. Honestly. I just picked a really bad pic to illustrate that. Go read my first post to see (grifting 101: complete)!

11. Charlotte Knowles

I saw Bella Hadi wearing a Charlotte Knowles two piece, so I bought a Charlotte Knowles two piece.

LMAOOO, I wish.

12. Balenciaga

It’s occurred to me a couple of posts too late now on the basis that Tumblr is being a dick and won’t go back and let me edit stuff, even little typos, but I’m now wondering if there’s a link between the climate change theming of the show and the exaggerated structures of the pieces? Ya know, the whole abundance is killing the planet line of thinking? I know analysis isn’t exactly on brand with these silly mini captions and that oversized and exaggerated proportions is one of Balenciaga’s running motifs anyway buuut just a thought I had! And sidenote: I do believe overconsumption is killing the planet! The way I phrased that made it seem like I’m a climate change denying dickhead! That I am not! Maybe if I shave my head, legally change my name to Steve, get a British flag tattoo on my bicep, and spend every waking moment in my nearest Spoons I’ll get there but it’s not on the agenda quite yet!

13. Christopher Kane

If fashionable robots took over the world, they’d raid Christopher Kane’s studio and fry us all with laser beams whilst wearing his dresses.

14. Fendi

Siri, play Vroom Vroom by Charli XCX.

15. Olivier Theyskens

Mandarin collar. Mandarin collar. Mandarin collar. NEXT TIME I WILL REMEMBER WHAT THE PROPER NAME IS INSTEAD OF NEEDING TO GOOGLE IT AGAIN. Come on brain, you’re supposed to be good at this kinda thing, make it happen.

16. Elie Saab

Blair Waldorf’s wet dream. Add in some platform boots and chain jewellery and now it’s my wet dream too.

Because Chuck Bass is creepy as FUCK and maybe it’s because I watched Gossip Girl at the ripe old age (lol) of 21 and most people watch it as teenagers but I don’t know why YOU WERE ALL SO OBSESSED WITH HIM! He tries to sexually assault Jenny who is about 14 in the VERY FIRST EPISODE. I think I went off on a tangent here but it had to be said. You girls have no taste.

Don Draper was an absolute dog, but he was played by Jon Hamm, and he might be one of the finest men on the planet. What’s your excuse, Chuck and Blair enthusiasts?

17. Miu Miu

As someone who has probably been/met many a spoilt brat in her time, I appoint Miu Miu as the official sponsor of the Spoilt Brat™ aesthetic and yeah, that’s something I just made up but I’m on the money here. Imagine one of those “daddy, can you get me a pony?” types all grown up. Are you telling me you don’t picture her in Miu Miu? Because that sounds like a lie.

18. YSL

The war flashbacks I get of the Friends episode where Ross tries to get out of those leather trousers aside (I know it’s PVC her not leather but they have the same sheen, you can’t deny it), these outfits turn me into the irl version of the heart eyes emoji. It’s not like I think this is the best collection I’ve ever seen, YSL could def push the boat out a bit in terms of experimentation, but there aren’t many people who wouldn’t look hot as fuck in one of these pieces

19. Balmain

I didn’t like ALL of it, but the looks that I did like were amongst the ones that stuck out to me most when I was reflecting on the collections I’ve reviewed: the breast plates and silk capes and the scorpion detailing are real chef’s kiss moments.

20. Marques Almeida

Miss the collection that gave us this coat off the list? Never.

SO!

That is the end! Wow! I started saving the photos for this review back in late January/early February or whenever it was that the first fashion week began and now it’s mid-fucking July!? I don’t know if that speaks more to my incompetency or what a state the last few months have been. I’m not gonna write a super long ending paragraph because you’ve heard enough from me already and it’s 2:30am and I’m being hassled by Trump supporters on Twitter (literally just for stating that it’s a privilege to be able to pursue a career you truly have a passion for rather than having to be practical about finances first) anddddd I’ve got a closing shift tomorrow so I should probably log the fuck off and remove my clown makeup before it’s time to start my shift, lol!

Quick recommendation before I wrap this up, there was a really interesting debate on ITV literally a few hours ago on the Stephen Lawrence case that I thought I would recommend (they also showed the 1999 dramatic portrayal of events afterwards) about racism in England and whether or not much has changed since the murder. I didn’t catch the whole thing but from what I did see, there were some really strong points being made and I think it could be a good thing to sit and watch with your family members if you want to get talking about the Black Lives Matter movement and aren’t sure how to broach the topic. I bring it up because I feel like most middle-aged white people trust ITV so they’re less likely to turn their noses up (lol, I wish I was joking) at it and maybe go in with a more open mind. I’d like to keep the conversation about social issues going so if there’s anything you’d like me to get some information together on and make a post about-I read yesterday that there’d been arrests of THE PEOPLE PROTESTING the way Breonna Taylor’s death has been handled. No, not the police officers responsible for her death, the people simply pointing out that those police officers have done wrong. It’s a ridiculous situation and just shows how deeply embedded a police officer’s supposed right to kill and to use force is in upholding the American status quo. I wish I could end the post on better news, but let’s hope that next time I post, there is some, and as always thank you for reading til the end if you did get this far! I really don’t have all that many followers on here but do et me know if there’s anything I can reblog or share to help.

Lauren x

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illegiblewords · 4 years

Photo

Explanation of design approach and some personality info under the cut.

Essentially, the way I’ve been approaching this I wanted to make each world feel like a self-contained and cohesive team. Nivienne is actually from Lamia and so isn’t designed to mesh with the others, but I use her a lot and have a design strategy for her so she’s included. For team Famfrit as a whole, I wanted to make sure that each personality and design would feel distinct and that the main color for each character would stand out. Most are also pretty obvious lol--black mage is black, red made is red, white mage is white. Areas I went different are gold dragoon (or aurum dragoon if we’re being fancy), purple scholar, green bard, orange ninja, blue warrior.

CENRIC ASHER

My main and a hyur midlander black mage. With him I wanted to push against the concept that hyurs are inherently vanilla or “boring”. Imo there is nothing wrong with designs that look like they could occur in nature, but with him I wanted to do an edgy personal spin in the classic Final Fantasy black mage look where the character is a dark silhouette with glowing eyes, a high collar, and a broad hat. Sometimes he wears other things too but the overall concept ties to that particular look. In personality Cenric is a pretty angsty guy due to having been a con artist who got a lot of people killed with medical fraud. He lies a lot out of fear of the reaction he’d get if his background was known. Possibly a little nuts, thinks he is the son of Nald’Thal and bound to spread death and destruction wherever he goes--striking enemies and allies alike, regardless of his own wishes. Probably actually just has Duskwight heritage. Has pretty hardcore imposter syndrome about being Warrior of Light, but in partial response to having been destitute and outcast for a long time he tries to play into the persona of a powerful, luxurious, mysterious black mage brimming with forbidden knowledge. In reality he is intimidated by most children, can’t whistle, and is a bit of a smartass when he’s not panicking his way through conversations.

J’MOR TIA

My red mage alt, I wanted to do a few experiments with him! One was that Red Mages usually read very sophisticated and swashbuckle-y to me, and I wanted to play more into the rapier as an almost roguish weapon. Very physical. He’s somebody who you initially would not assume is a magic user but who is just as versed and capable on that front as the ivory tower casters haha. I also wanted to make him a combination of ethnically black (contrasting Cenric who is ethnically Arab but weird) and a male miqo’te because I have never seen that combination before. I wanted him to feel very charming and like he has kind of rugged good looks. Just a bit too scruffy for pretty boy. Personality he is probably the most shonen hero of my alts lol. He has stuff he struggles with (he and his sister both wanted to be adventurers but she opted out after taking things way too far in a fight and getting scared of her own power) but doesn’t get stuck in his head nearly as much as some other characters do.

CESAIRE DELAROUX

I futzed with this guy for a while—main inspiration comes from a particular kind of horse called the Akhal-teke.

Also because I have seen some really cool and pretty elezen that specifically worked to play up gold as a color scheme, and in this case I wanted to evoke a kind of warm, soft golden light. Originally I was going to make him a contrast to Cenric and make him much paler, but I wound up going that route more with Asklona instead with drawing loose inspiration from certain forms of albinism. I went more gold to make sure Cesaire would stand out visually from Asklona. Another reason for this route is because I want to make a character who looks very light and pure, but in practice has hardcore bloodlust. XD Wanted one case for playing into that possible WoL element haha. I also thought it might be neat to make a character who could serve as a kind of foil to Zenos in many ways and might credibly say yes when invited to be besties. Cesaire is still a mostly heroic guy but I figure he’s a bit like Dexter if that makes sense.

KIYO SHIROGANE

An auri white mage from Hingashi! To me it felt a little odd that the Ruby Princess of Sui-no-Sato has more of a magenta color scheme than red. I wanted to tie Kiyo to Kugane specifically in part because I think the parallels between geomancy and white magic (land, sea, sky) are super cool imo, there are a fair number or Raen au ra in Kugane with less lore exploration, and I wanted to make a character whose past trailed behind her in a clear and interesting way while she travels. So for Kiyo I kind of took inspiration from the idea of a red pearl (pearls often being white as per the horns and scales but then she has vivid red hair) and from the idea of blood tied to injury and medicine. Plus ya know, white magic. I also took light inspiration from candles conceptually. I totally forgot that Shirogane is the housing district also lol so now she has backstory lore that her family had been heavily involved in establishing the area. Kiyo comes from a large and noble family with a ton of political and economic influence, being herself somewhat sheltered and naïve. She is very sincere, playful, outgoing, and does her best to be kind. Very animated!

OSK YASKARET

For Osk, I was essentially going (ʘ_ʘ;;) because I knew that I hadn’t used ANY brown hair so far and it was making so uncomfortable lol. So I thought about what combination would be appropriate, distinct, and striking enough to fit within the cast while also being distinct. Gray and brown feel like chinchilla colors to me and I think are nice in a way that wouldn’t be out of place with rabbits/viera. I wanted dark eyes since again, I hadn’t yet for this group... so dark purple wound up being her main color. Since I was going scholar, I also wanted to keep the sense of intellect and feeling like a healer without being mistakable for astrologian or white mage. I still want to build into her look, but another aspect I wanted to incorporate--saw a lot of people arguing about the inherent sensuality of Viera, so I figured for her I wanted to make her look elegant and sophisticated but more conservative in glamours. I didn’t want her to instantly read like she hopped out of the woods either. Figure she’d have had time to adapt since.

I’m still very much debating backstory and personality or her but am leaning toward her being the offspring of a viera who left the woods while pregnant. I like the idea of Osk wanting to connect with her heritage but feeling somewhat adrift. I also want to incorporate Nym lore because omg I want more Nym in-general. Personality I do think Osk is probably a little bit of a smug bunny but things remain super tenuous.

ASKLONA WANNEYNWYN

Asklona I literally wanted to make a super soft feeling, hyper feminine lady roegadyn because most interpretations I’ve seen have been either harder feminine or tomboyish. Still fun imo, but given the grief some fans heap on femroes I really wanted to show that this kind of look is doable. I usually try to incorporate the black noses on Hellsguard designs (tiger roooooes) while with Seawolves I tend to push either fully into something natural or fully into something unnatural. So ex. the most desaturated option or else just run with blues and greens. Asklona is specifically a bard because it is pretty and fancy imo and I haven’t seen a lot of roegadyn bards in-general. Asklona I mentioned before is modeled off of certain kinds of albinism, but by that I want to make the disclaimer that pink eyes don’t generally occur in people (pale blue or violet is more likely) and that normally there are some eyesight problems that come with the condition as well as ease of getting sunburn. I don’t necessary play into that with Asklona/am going artistic license because I mean final fantasy we can lift swords bigger than we are. I know these things get overlooked a lot though so it seemed worth specifying. My choice to go this route was because I wanted to make myself use more pastels lol and I figured this would be a fun spot to contrast Cenric. I think in backstory Asklona’s father lost his mind to a siren, and Asklona pursuing adventuring as a bard is partly to take revenge and partly in the hopes that she can call her father back with song. Her involvement becomes more complicated over time but I think that’s the general direction. I picked green for her color scheme because it’s a color that feels like it evokes both the woods of Gridania and the sea itself... and because pink is a shade of red and with green being complementary, I figured it would make the pinks stand out a lot. Asklona is tied to Limsa Lominsa and besides looking for outfits that will flatter her body type I am trying to evoke the ocean in her designs. Pirates, sailors, the works. Personality I am still figuring out a bit but I think Asklona is definitely a shameless flirt, can read as insensitive and self-centered at times as she indulges in what makes her happy. She plays herself off as much more shallow than she is and in-general focuses on pursuing pleasure as a way of avoiding heavier issues.

KOKONO KONO

The scrappy daughter of a Doman fox auspice and a Thavnairian lalafell, Kokono saw her mother waste away with homesickness after fleeing the Garlean occupation. She has two brothers, one who returned to Doma while the other remains in Thavnair witht her father. Kokono hates the idea of loving a place so much you would die over it and decided to travel Hydaelyn, causing mischief while indulging a deep-rooted curiosity and love for discovering new places. Has severe commitment issues. Can be prone to swearing and being insensitive because the shocked reactions amuse her a lot, but her heart is ultimately in the right place. I designed her literally to make a lalafell fox because with the dark nose option + werewolf ears it is SO EASY to make tiny canines and I don’t understand why more people don’t do this. Like I could make an elegant white fox lalafell or a yorkshire terrier lalafell or any number of things. We can have itty bitty dogs! And like Kiyo I wanted some background to be evident in her clothes too. I designed her before I picked her backstory and mainly went for rule-of-cute/what would most evoke the red coat of a fox.

SVATOMIR AZORYA

Last of team Famfrit, he’s a Warrior Hrothgar. Very conceptually rough, I’m interested in playing him much more reserved and traditionally masculine in a lot of ways. I think a character in that vein will help balance out against the other Warriors of Light I made for that world. Design goal here was to make him look as wolf-like as possible haha. I think we have plenty of cat people already with Miqo’te.

NIVIENNE LECLAIR

From Lamia, I’ve talked a bit about her before so copypasting that in.

Basically, when I decided to try doing the whole WoL/Emet-Selch fic writing misadventure it was just a personal challenge for funsies. I’d seen other people do some really interesting and impressive stuff using unnamed lady WoLs. Hadn’t really tried something like that myself so I decided to go full improv with it.

Except my instincts tend toward specificity lol, so I scattered details according to what would make for fun scenarios or cute details. I wanted the lady to be a certain level of tall so I went with elezen. I needed to describe a readily portable weapon that would mesh with that sweet, sweet Amaurotine lore, so I made her a summoner. So on and so forth. Very seat-of-the-pants.

Particularly since the fic I have coming up is gonna be bigger, I’m thinking name is okay now lol.

Cenric as my black mage main is a dark, broody guy who doesn’t quite realize he’s nicer and sillier that he gives himself credit. So I decided Nivienne should be much more socially adept (read: not a lameass poser), very mischievous, confident… but lowkey has some heavy shit going on. Girl can be ruthlessly manipulative. Other WoLs of mine have different personalities.

As I was going through fic stuff, I decided I wanted to visually tie to and contrast with Emet-Selch since shipping. He’s got gold eyes and accents on his regalia? She’ll go silver, but her skin will have a more golden tone. He’s got dark hair with a white streak? She’ll have light gray hair, tie into the ruff of his coat. So on and so forth.

Name-wise, I actually fucked up initially by going too on-the-nose. Nivienne is another (more elezen-French) name for Nimue. Given how that story goes I figured it would be fitting here.

As a couple of other notes--color scheme being gray was experimenting to try for a different-but-distinct summoner aesthetic. I wanted to play up horns/third eye concepts (not strictly in the Garlean sense) and create a vibe that wouldn’t feel like white mage, or red mage, or black mage, etc. I also saw people arguing that female casters all end up looking like magical girls, so I wanted to really make sure that she had a different look from that while still being very feminine.

#final fantasy xiv #final fantasy xiv screenshots #final fantasy 14 #ffxiv #ff14

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geekygoddesss · 6 years

Text

Story of Us

Part I: How we meet

This is such a bad idea.

“So, let me get this straight” I speak, sitting on the bed while my best friend stood in front of me, looking at me like I was stupid “you meet this guy on tinder-”

“He found me” She Interrupts, correcting what I just said.

“And he invited you for drinks? Just like that?” I finish my sentence, totally letting pass the fact that Abby is being totally annoying tonight and pushing me into this kind of dumb things that could go very wrong so easily.

“Us, it’s a double date, dumbass” She says with a smile, rolling her eyes while walking into the bathroom in a poor attempt of ignoring my attitude.

“It doesn't matter, are you out of your mind? He could be a rapist or something” I argue, following her into the bathroom.”I did not flew all the way from Georgia to get raped by some guy”

This was the kind of things that sometimes made me doubt a lot of things about Abby. One thing I knew for sure is that Abby was in no way stupid and second, she was also not the kind of person that would sign up on a dating app and just date whatever guy appeared in the picture. This situation was weird for me in a lot of ways, starting from the fact that I was almost entirely sure that there must be a reason on why she is trying to set me up with someone I don’t know while setting herself with a random guy at the same time. It was so creepy, Something was up with her and to be completely honest, I don’t even know if I want to know why.

“He isn't a psycho” she says “plus, he has a friend and he's very single” her eyebrows go up and down, looking at me with a weird look through the mirror.

“How do you know?” I scoff, leaning in the door watching her brush her teeth “You said this guy is an actor? Like a TV one or whatever?” I say, almost just speaking to myself, this was just a crazy and not good idea, I can’t believe we’re even doing this “I don’t know about you but I smell bullshit”

‘I’m telling you, it isnt” she says with a mouth full of foam before rinsing it all off in one quick move “I don’t know, I actually have no idea what he's done, but why are you so surprised? This is LA, every 3 of 10 people does acting” she rolls her eyes, turning to look at me as she spoke “the others are instagram models and tourist”

I scoff, shaking my head at her statement “Then there's me” I say taking a step closer to her “I really don't feel comfortable with this” I mumble.

“It's going to be fun, I promise” she smiles putting her hands on my shoulder and moving me out of the way “from what we talked he seemed pretty fun”

“Huh” I nod, that did not convince me at all.

“And if you think about it, it's a very good and fresh way to start the weekend” she adds, jumping on her bed before yelling out loud “we’re getting laid!”

“Jesus Christ” I groan, this is probably why the neighbors hate us, not my fault at all, but I am sure it’s pretty self- explanatory. “Listen, I am not even sure If I am going to be able to go” I tell her as she jumps off the bed and checks herself out in the mirror, she’s pretty hyper right now. “I have a block” I excuse, even though I wasn’t lying at all.

“You always say that” she says, rolling her eyes.

“Well, I have it and I need it to go away” I say sitting down on the bed as she walked around the room. “Writer’s block is no joke”

“Well I’m helping you here!” Abby exclaims turning to look at me“What better way to get out of a block than making out with a guy you meet in one night?”

“I’m not making out with anyone” I laugh.

“We’ll see” she says, jumping on the bed, right beside me “It’s just one night, C’mon”

I look at her and she looks at me, I analyze all of my options. Maybe there is some kind of way where I can get out of this one and she would let me be, I would have the apartment to myself and I could overcome my block, but one thing was for sure, If that happened she would hate me for a while, she took dates very seriously and although this is the first time she has ever dragged me into a double date with her but I could see in her eyes she was really looking forward for this and it would be really shitty of me to just turn this down.

Do I really have any other option, anyways?.

“What can you tell me about him or his.. friend?” I say finally giving up, there was no way I could get out of this one.

She yells and claps with her hands in pure excitement “Well, they’re visiting so they won’t be staying long” she explains to me before smiling widely and saying “They’re english”

My eyebrows raise “Oh la la” I joke in a french accent.

“Sono così emozionato” she answers in italian “Whatever, they are here for like a month or whatever and I just told them we would show them around” she smiles and shrugs. she gets up her spot and walks through the room again as if she was done

“That’s all you know?” I ask her, that did took me by surprise, I was hoping she knew at least a little more about this guy.

“Pretty much” she says, reaching for her makeup bag “besides the fact that I’ve seen his picture and in my book he seems pretty hot for a white boy, so i’m down” She says shortly looking at me but still being to focused on her reflection in the mirror.

“That’s so…-nevermind” I say rolling my eyes. I was going to say something else, but I’d rather shut my mouth than having her fight me for a while “Can I see him?” I ask.

“No!” she laughs, shaking her head.

I chuckle “Oh, c’mon, so now it’s top secret?”

“More like a surprise” she wiggles her eyebrows “It’s going to be so fun”

“It better be” I point at her and let my body fall on the bed “But if they turn out to be a pair of weirdos or a hot mess of a date, I’m making you pay for it”

“I don’t doubt that” she laughs and turns to look at me “Hurry, we have to be out that door soon” she says, now walking my way and looking at me more in detail “Are you wearing that?”

I look down at my outfit “What’s wrong with this?” I say, pointing down at one of my most fancy shirts and jeans I had on, I didn’t look like a freaking model, but I think I look decent enough.

“Oh honey, you need to learn so much” she laughs and grabs my hand, pulling me out of the bed.

This was already starting to feel like one long night.

***

Two and a half hours later, the two of us are sitting at one of the countless tables at the bar, Abby really did a good choice on the place, it was very nice and subtle, not too loud, people weren’t trying to desperately get you drunk to start the night, just a nice place to have a first date in, she really knew what she was doing.

“Are they here?” I ask her taking a sip of my soda as she looked around the place

“I don’t know, I don’t see them” She says shrugging not taking her eyes from her surroundings.

I shrug “Maybe we gave them wrong directions”

“Honestly, this is the only bar with the name 21 around the area, maybe they're just stuck in traffic” she says as another option of what could be the reason of why they are kind of late. However I don’t care too much how late they are, as long as they actually make it, this is LA, everyone was late for everything.

I stare at her for a long moment before coming to a very strong conclusion, I know understand the meaning of being the ugly friend. I really do. Not that I was completely ugly, but compared to her tonight, I was looking like I should have a little touch of femininity, which is something I had a lack of, most of the time. Her yellow blouse made the perfect contrast with her dark skin while her skinny jeans made her have some killer curves that would for sure make any man crazy for her. I was jealous, I wish I could look as good as her right now.

Her eyes light up when turning to the side, looking straight at the door of the bar, she waves her hand to someone and smiles widely, I guess that’s a good sign.

“Oh my gosh, they’re here, I see them” She says almost mumbling, turning to look at me “Play cool” she warns me, getting up from the table and basically making me do the same as her, as she makes me leave my drink down to stand up.

“I am” I say, standing up right beside her as she looks around, I recognize two guys in between the crowd, I don’t know any of them but they are probably the ones we are supposed to meet since they are clearly the only guys approaching us. “I’d like a heads up, though, who am I looking at?” I say, just making sure I didn’t eventually fuck up.

“Okay, so, blondie tall boy is your date and the brunette is mine” she explains quickly as she smiles at the two guys, who wave at us when they are getting closer and closer “Wave back” she instructs me, I do.

“he’s cute” I whisper to her as they are already too close to probably hear me if I speak normally.

“I know” she smiles to them before whispering “Gosh, I hope they’re not psychos”

She seems too happy to see both these guys here, the moment they reach our table she yells the name of her date and hugs him thigh, as the other guy welcomes me with a hug too, which is pretty much awkward, seeing that I don’t know this guy at all and he is already hugging me, adding the fact that he is quite attractive is somehow overwhelming to me.

“This is (Y/n), my best friend” she introduces me to the other guy as he approaches my way.

“Tom” He says with a lovely smiling and a welcoming hug. It felt weird, really weird. Not only because I just hugged two very attractive men, but also because there was something inside me telling me something about this night, something about tonight felt different, I don’t know what it was or how something could happen, but I could feel it inside of me.

“Harrison” Says the guy I just hugged, smiling towards me as he introduced himself for both of us. I guess he is my date for the night, I can’t say I am mad about it at all. “We didn’t take too long, did we?” he says, almost as an apology. Somehow, I almost seem surprised by the strong english accent coming out of him, I knew they are English, but the accent just seems to suit them perfectly. It was a nice add on.

“Oh no” Abby says waving it off, pretending like we haven’t been waiting here for more than thirty minutes. “We just got here, Sit down, please” she smiles, walking to my side and sitting on the spot right beside mine, signaling me to sit beside her as the guys took the opposite sit.

“Oh, hold on” Said that Tom guy, before getting on his seat “can we pick some drinks for you, Ladies?” he says, waiting for our response as Harrison gets up too.

“I’ve got you covered” Abby says, snapping her fingers in the air, in a matter of five seconds one of the many waitresses in the place comes to our table with a tray full of drinks and shots. great. Now, they’ll probably think we’re super rich and powerful or something, which is definitely not the case.

The boys sit back down on their spots and we all pick a drink up, ready to start up the night. Abby looks incredibly happy and before even trying a little bit of her own drink, she raises her cup and says in a cheery and a little bit of an exaggerated tone “For an amazing night”

I see the guys smiling at her and I laugh, this seemed a little bit dramatic in my opinion, but who cares? This was already starting to look like a great night and we might as well take a drink for it.

“Cheers” the rest of us say almost at the same time and all of our cups touch in one smooth move.

I drink, the taste was strong on my tongue but very sweet, I was loving it so much, I just hoped it didn’t make me drunk for the night. I was happy though, the night was still young but this somehow felt right. My best friend is here, we have two handsome gentlemen as our dates for the night, this was just too good to be truth and it felt right, I felt incredible, this is right.

***

The night went on faster than expected, it wasn’t over, but it still felt like everything was happening a little too fast for my liking. One moment we were on the bar, laughing at twisted stories and drinking, having a great time and on the blink of an eye we were on the beach, walking right by the ocean and talking about everything and nothing, getting to know each other better and making this night last longer.

At this point, I was really starting to doubt on my ability to talk to a guy at all. Yes, my date was just too nice and sweet, but all of this time I have been just hearing and adding things to all of Abby’s stories, never telling my own or talking a little bit about my life, I was just there to listen to everyone and make some presence, which wasn’t wrong at all, I just would like my date to know I am a little more interesting than that.

However, In a matter of a second, this date took an interesting turn for everyone. We were passing right by the small line of stores placed right by the beach when Abby spotted down some kind of merch about her favourite show, apparently, Harrison was also a big fan, one way or another the conversation they both started was becoming bigger and a deeper than ever, to the point were before any of us could realise they were walking away from us and leaving me and Abby’s date all alone.

Neither of us saying a word while walking alone the sightly crowded street. A very awkward moment I was not ready for, I needed it to end now, before It could be any worse.

“So, actor” I say, being the first one to break the ice, catching his full attention in a second “How’s it like? Does it freak you out to pretend to be someone else? How useful is it in the real world?” I ask, trying to not sound too annoying or repetitive when making that question. Sometimes I could be a little too specific when making my questions and that’s exactly what I did not want for now.

“Oh, That’s a great, great question” he says with a little smile, I was really hoping I was not making this awkward, I just really needed to start up a conversation. “Well, What can I say? I’ve been on this for a long time and I really love my job” He says “It’s very useful in real life, If you were wondering, you’d be surprised on how helpful it is in certain- situations” he says elaborating a little more “Not that I am using it right now-”

“Huh” I nod, interrupting him mid sentence with a chuckle, I could sense a little freak out on his voice and being completely honest, it was kind of funny. “Good answer”

“Good question” he says back, almost as a compliment.

“I am hoping to go to school soon for that actually” I say as a nice add on, finding it a great fact about me to put on the table “People say I'm good at making questions”

“I see” He chuckles softly “Is that school here in LA?”

“No, it’s actually in London” I smile proudly. That was something I was very proud about, going to school there would be such a privilege for me, I was really hoping I could get in this school soon.

“That’s amazing” Tom says raising his eyebrows almost as if he was surprised “It’s a beautiful place, you’re going to love it”

“So I’ve heard” I nod, blushing a little.

We fell into an awkward silence so easily. We walk and walk but none of us say anything at all, now I am almost completely sure that my skills with men are almost null. none existent. Zero.

Step it up, (Y/n), C’mon.

“On the scale of 1 to 100, How famous are you?” I randomly ask, making him look at me with a really strange look “Please feel free to be as precise as you can, I need to tell my mom about it”

“Your mom?” he laughs, His accent now sounding stronger than ever.

“Yeah, she kind of told me I needed to tell her about every celebrity I met here in LA or ever” I chuckle, while telling that little fact my mom always reminded me of “She’s probably a fan” I add “She knows like every human being that does some kind of entertainment, you’d be surprised”

“Hm ok” he says with a nervous chuckle “1 being not famous at all and 100 being a super famous celebrity, Like, the kind that barely are able to breathe because of -y’know - paparazzi and all that” he explains “I would say I am a solid 60” he says, being really confident with his answer.

“oh, holy shit” I say, not expecting that answer at all “I might have to do my research about you, sir” I scoff “First name Tom, Last name?”

“Holland” he completes in a quick second.

“Alright” I nod with a smile “I might have seen you somewhere around”

He laughs, nodding “Yeah, maybe”

We keep walking in silence, Now being a lot less uncomfortable than a few seconds before. I can hear our friends in front of us, laughing at something we couldn’t hear and I smile, I was glad Abby is having fun, she seems really happy.

“I believe,Your date just ditched you for my date” Tom says, chuckling at his own comment.

“Oh” I say, just actually realizing that really happened, I am now date-less “Yeah, I guess”

He nods “They look happy, though” he mentions and indeed, they do, they look really happy “Good to know this little meeting is having it’s results”

I laugh “I mean, that’s what tinder is for, right?” I say shrugging “It’s making its magic on our friends”

“Yep” he chuckles “I guess” he says in a mumble “It’s kind of funny because It was my idea”

“Was it?” I act surprised, even when it was a very bad impression. “Can’t really say I am not surprise, why would someone like you use Tinder?” I ask with all honesty. I don’t really get why would any of this guys use the app when being that attractive and apparently famous. In my head that made no sense.

“I don’t know” He says with a small shrug “I like meeting new people, you know?” he says “but also, the fact that I’ve never had a real date in years is playing a big role right now”

“No way” I say with a frown as I stop in track "you can't be serious" "I am" he shrugs, stopping right beside me "not a single date in at least, two or three years" "Wow" I say in real surprise, now that was something odd to hear. I really don't get why someone like him doesn't get a date with anyone, I mean, he wasn't bad at all, in fact, he was really, really attractive. I do understand why Abby was so eager to come to this date, but now that she moved on to be with his friend instead of him, I am not even sure if I am a good replacement at all. I am not Abby or at least as attractive as Abby, but I will do my best to make him feel like I'm worth his time. I'll just be myself and whatever happens, happens. "Well, I am on the same boat as you are" I chuckle looking down "I've never really been on a real date before" I say shrugging "I have a special power to keep males away from me" I joke with a small chuckle “What’s your specialty?” “Probably being awkward” he laughs and shakes his head "It's ridiculous, you won't believe the amount of times I've turned normal situations into the weirdest thing ever" "No way, honestly, are you that awkward?" I say, really doubting if I should or should not believe him. "Again, you'd be surprised" he says with a chuckle.

Surprisingly from this point, the conversation went on pretty well. One way or another, we ended up walking along the end of the sidewalk in a good but slow motion until we reached the very end, both of us telling stories about our life and getting to know at least a snip of each other’s life before this came to an end, because somehow right now it was starting to feel like the climax of the night and I didn’t know how to feel about it yet.

I leaned against the wall behind me as Tom narrated one of his “best” stories to me, not that it wasn’t a good story, it was actually really good, but to be honest, he seemed to have such an interesting life, I kind of doubted this was really one of his best stories. It was too funny anyways.

"Once, I showed up on a costume party that was apparently not a costume party, I showed up wearing a Lycra suit and everyone thought I was crazy" He says as he tries to top my last history with his. We’ve been having this competition for a while on who has the most embarrassing moment, I don’t know who is winning, but this is just too fun I could go on forever. "What?" I laughed shaking my head “No way” "The most awkward moment of my life" he says laughing with me, giving me more details about the story as I kept laughing. "Oh shoot" I say shaking my head while laughing "ok I guess I'll have to compete with that" I breath, trying to remember any of my many stories to top that one "the day I had my first kiss, burped right in front of the guy" I said and my cheeks instantly went red "not my fault, by the way" "How did that happen?" he says breaking into a laugh. "Well, i guess it'd be totally unnecessary to explain how a burp happens" I say rolling my eyes "but in my defense, Before that I had some Starbucks so That explains pretty much everything"

“Oh god” he says still laughing and shaking his head at the visual of that moment “I’m winning though”

“Are you?” I raise and eyebrow at his statement “Are you proud?” I ask.

he smiles at me and shrugs, I could see it in his eyes, he was proud of winning our dumb competition, that was something odd, but honestly, I was glad he won, at least I know he has handfuls of good stories to tell. "Guys" Abby’s voice calls for us, interrupting our little moment and stepping into our conversation just like so. We both turn to her waiting for what she has to say, she looks at us with a smile before making her little announcement "Uh, so, I think Harrison and I will be on our way back" "Oh, already?" I ask, pouting a little, it kind of felt a little soon to end the night, but there’s not much I could do about it "well, I guess we'll be right behind you" I say looking at Tom for a second, who just nods in response. “Is it my turn to call the uber?” I ask her but before I could say anything else she stops me. “Actually, I think we’ll take a long way” She says, throwing me this look that tells me pretty much everything. She wants alone time with him. “Oh, it’s okay, I’ll just- I’ll take an uber” I say nodding, totally understanding that my main goal right now is just to disappear for them to have some alone time I later on expected to hear about. “I’ll go with her” Tom says, stepping into my side “I’ll walk from there” he says to his friend, nodding at him that he will be just fine. “Good” Abby cheers, giving a little jump on her feet as she walks up to Tom and gives him a big hug “This was so much fun, thanks for coming” she says as she separates from the hug to then Hug me “I’ll see you later” she whispers on my ear “Good luck” “Yeah, yeah” I say chuckling and rolling my eyes as I hugged her back.

She walked back winking at me as she reached Harrison side, she grabbed his hand and pulled him on the sidewalk so they could start walking now.

“Bye mate” He waves to Tom as they walk away from us.

“Later” he says waving back to them.

Again, as we watch them walk away to the “long way”, we fall into a weird silence that surprisingly doesn't feel like an uncomfortable one at all. We turn to look at each other and smile awkwardly, basically reading each other’s mind, asking us what to do next since both of our friends just left without us. Maybe we would really walk me home, or maybe it was just an excuse and this is where we part ways. I hoped not, to be honest, I was having fun tonight.

“So” he says, starting off a new conversation “Let me be honest with you, I don’t think I want to take a cab”

I chuckle and nod in agreement “Me neither” I shrug as a quick response “Lucky us, I know a short cut, we don’t need to take a cab” I say with a smile.

“Really?” he says in fake surprise, I already told him I’ve been living here for at least six months, he knows I know a shortcut.

“This one is special, though” I smile, adding some mystery to my voice. “I don’t think you’re ready”

“Am I not?” He raises an eyebrow in surprise “Wow”

“Yeah” I shrug “You clearly aren’t, but, I’ll make an exception” I say, grabbing his hand and walking to the opposite side where our friends left “Just because you’re famous”

He laughs and leads his free hand to his chest “I am so honored”

“Oh, you should be” I say shooting him a smile “Because I am about to enlighten your night”

***

“How do you feel?” I ask as we step into the front door of my building.

I held a little cup in my hand with Ice cream inside and I balance it out in a single hand as I tried to find my keys so we could get In for a little while before he had to leave. This has been great, I don’t think I have ever had such a great conversation with someone until tonight, we talked, we laughed and before we could notice we were in front my favourite Ice cream shop in the world, that happened to be just a block before my building, I always will feel grateful for that.

“I don’t think I am” he says as he takes another taste of his ice cream “This is such a game changer, Who the hell thought about making Rum with caramel cake? this is amazing” he says with true excitement as we enter the building.

“I know right?” I chuckle, taking a bite of my ice cream “It’s my favorite place ever, we don’t have those in Atlanta”

“Well, that sucks because this is amazing” he says chuckling, still with a mouth full of Ice cream.

We take the stairs up and we talk as we reach my floor, which happens to be about six floors up. He seems happy and I appreciate it, I had a feeling he would like this little extra I just added to this night and I am glad my feeling didn’t fail me.

“How long have you lived in LA, again?” he asks as we walk down the hallway.

I sigh and think about my answer, it was kind of difficult to remember for some reason “Six months, maybe seven” I shrug “I won’t stay here for a while, Abby is the one living here, I just make her some company”

He nods “That’s nice of you” he says “So you’re moving to London?”

I laugh as we get to my door and I stop right in front of it “Nothing is really 100% sure, yet, I’m still waiting for my acceptance”

“Right” He nods, and we stop talking.

He looks around the hallway, almost as he was checking everything out, but on the other side, I am just putting my ear against the door, just making a quick check to make sure that there are not any disturbing noises inside that warn me to not come in, but thank god, I don’t think Abby is home yet, so I guess I have a couple of hours for myself.

“You know what? You’re kind of cool” He says out of the blue, really taking me by surprise. I turn around and even when he kind of took me by surprise, I am really trying to not look like an idiot “You are kind of cool too” I say with a sincere smile. “Maybe we should- you know- keep in touch” He says with a bit of nervousness in his voice “just saying, You showed me around tonight, maybe I could do the same for you while you’re at London, it’d be better than asking a stranger to do it, right?” he chuckles “I mean, we’re already strangers but you know what I mean” “Are you asking me for my number?” I raise an eyebrow and smile to him a little. I could feel he was nervous, maybe a smile would remind him to take a breath and calm down. “Yeah, basically” he nods awkwardly.

I smile and nod softly. He hands me his phone over to me and I write my own contact name on his list, I make sure to put every number in the right place, just to avoid any possible accident that could happen.

When I hand him his phone back, he smiles widely to me. I know, I am glad that we are keeping contact in a way.

“Want to come in?” I offer, while I put my key through the lock.

“Oh, no, thank you, I have a thing tomorrow, I should probably go” “Thanks for the ice cream though”

“You paid” I chuckle.

“You found it” he says back

I smile and laughs softly, letting out very old school “Touche” before opening up the door.

When I step inside just a little, I already can see him from the corner of my eyes, turning around to walk away, looking down at his phone that still had my contact showing on the screen, full display. “Tom” I call his name, he turns around in my direction. “Yeah?” he says with a soft smile. “I had fun tonight” I smile at him, letting my body hide behind my door. “I did too” he says with a small nod as he took steps back “I’ll text you later” “Good night” I wave my hand at him as I watch him walk away.

“Bye” He says winking an eye at me and disappearing on the stairs right around the corner.

For some reason, it takes me some time to get myself moving from the front door to my actual room. It’s weird how everything started with being a really random double date to coming over and meet a guy who would connect so well with me. Whatever this was, it was weird and I had no idea how this was supposed to work from now on.

Maybe it was not going to end in something, by any means, but maybe it would. However, something inside of me told me this time something was up and I had no idea what, whatever it is, I just hoped it is good.

I jump on my bed and close my eyes, after a while of walking around the city I was already starting to feel a little tired of it. My eyelids were already feeling heavy from the moment my head touched the pillow and without caring one single bit what I was wearing, I went ahead and tugged myself in bed, ready to call it a night.

The moment I close my eyes is when I feel my phone buzzing. It had to be a text from Abby, but surprisingly, it wasn’t.

Just checking it :) I’m omw to the hotel, hope it’s not a fake number

You bet I am, tinder boy

Good to know :)

So how well do you know the city? Hope you don’t mind showing me around

Call me when you’re free :)

Now, I definitely had a feeling this was going to be unique.

#Tom holland imagines #Story of us series

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nebris · 6 years

Text

The Rage of the Incels

Incels aren’t really looking for sex. They’re looking for absolute male supremacy.

Lately I have been thinking about one of the first things that I ever wrote for the Internet: a series of interviews with adult virgins, published by the Hairpin. I knew my first subject personally, and, after I interviewed her, I put out an open call. To my surprise, messages came rolling in. Some of the people I talked to were virgins by choice. Some were not, sometimes for complicated, overlapping reasons: disability, trauma, issues related to appearance, temperament, chance. “Embarrassed doesn’t even cover it,” a thirty-two-year-old woman who chose the pseudonym Bette told me. “Not having erotic capital, not being part of the sexual marketplace . . . that’s a serious thing in our world! I mean, practically everyone has sex, so what’s wrong with me?” A twenty-six-year-old man who was on the autism spectrum and had been molested as a child wondered, “If I get naked with someone, am I going to take to it like a duck to water, or am I going to start crying and lock myself in the bathroom?” He hoped to meet someone who saw life clearly, who was gentle and independent. “Sometimes I think, why would a woman like that ever want me?” he said. But he had worked hard, he told me, to start thinking of himself as a person who was capable of a relationship—a person who was worthy of, and could accept, love.

It is a horrible thing to feel unwanted—invisible, inadequate, ineligible for the things that any person might hope for. It is also entirely possible to process a difficult social position with generosity and grace. None of the people I interviewed believed that they were owed the sex that they wished to have. In America, to be poor, or black, or fat, or trans, or Native, or old, or disabled, or undocumented, among other things, is usually to have become acquainted with unwantedness. Structural power is the best protection against it: a rich straight white man, no matter how unpleasant, will always receive enthusiastic handshakes and good treatment at banking institutions; he will find ways to get laid.

These days, in this country, sex has become a hyper-efficient and deregulated marketplace, and, like any hyper-efficient and deregulated marketplace, it often makes people feel very bad. Our newest sex technologies, such as Tinder and Grindr, are built to carefully match people by looks above all else. Sexual value continues to accrue to abled over disabled, cis over trans, thin over fat, tall over short, white over nonwhite, rich over poor. There is an absurd mismatch in the way that straight men and women are taught to respond to these circumstances. Women are socialized from childhood to blame themselves if they feel undesirable, to believe that they will be unacceptable unless they spend time and money and mental effort being pretty and amenable and appealing to men. Conventional femininity teaches women to be good partners to men as a basic moral requirement: a woman should provide her man a support system, and be an ideal accessory for him, and it is her job to convince him, and the world, that she is good.

Men, like women, blame women if they feel undesirable. And, as women gain the economic and cultural power that allows them to be choosy about their partners, men have generated ideas about self-improvement that are sometimes inextricable from violent rage.

Several distinct cultural changes have created a situation in which many men who hate women do not have the access to women’s bodies that they would have had in an earlier era. The sexual revolution urged women to seek liberation. The self-esteem movement taught women that they were valuable beyond what convention might dictate. The rise of mainstream feminism gave women certainty and company in these convictions. And the Internet-enabled efficiency of today’s sexual marketplace allowed people to find potential sexual partners with a minimum of barriers and restraints. Most American women now grow up understanding that they can and should choose who they want to have sex with.

In the past few years, a subset of straight men calling themselves “incels” have constructed a violent political ideology around the injustice of young, beautiful women refusing to have sex with them. These men often subscribe to notions of white supremacy. They are, by their own judgment, mostly unattractive and socially inept. (They frequently call themselves “subhuman.”) They’re also diabolically misogynistic. “Society has become a place for worship of females and it’s so fucking wrong, they’re not Gods they are just a fucking cum-dumpster,” a typical rant on an incel message board reads. The idea that this misogyny is the real root of their failures with women does not appear to have occurred to them.

The incel ideology has already inspired the murders of at least sixteen people. Elliot Rodger, in 2014, in Isla Vista, California, killed six and injured fourteen in an attempt to instigate a “War on Women” for “depriving me of sex.” (He then killed himself.) Alek Minassian killed ten people and injured sixteen, in Toronto, last month; prior to doing so, he wrote, on Facebook, “The Incel Rebellion has already begun!” You might also include Christopher Harper-Mercer, who killed nine people, in 2015, and left behind a manifesto that praised Rodger and lamented his own virginity.

The label that Minassian and others have adopted has entered the mainstream, and it is now being widely misinterpreted. Incel stands for “involuntarily celibate,” but there are many people who would like to have sex and do not. (The term was coined by a queer Canadian woman, in the nineties.) Incels aren’t really looking for sex; they’re looking for absolute male supremacy. Sex, defined to them as dominion over female bodies, is just their preferred sort of proof.

If what incels wanted was sex, they might, for instance, value sex workers and wish to legalize sex work. But incels, being violent misogynists, often express extreme disgust at the idea of “whores.” Incels tend to direct hatred at things they think they desire; they are obsessed with female beauty but despise makeup as a form of fraud. Incel culture advises men to “looksmaxx” or “statusmaxx”—to improve their appearance, to make more money—in a way that presumes that women are not potential partners or worthy objects of possible affection but inconveniently sentient bodies that must be claimed through cold strategy. (They assume that men who treat women more respectfully are “white-knighting,” putting on a mockable façade of chivalry.) When these tactics fail, as they are bound to do, the rage intensifies. Incels dream of beheading the sluts who wear short shorts but don’t want to be groped by strangers; they draw up elaborate scenarios in which women are auctioned off at age eighteen to the highest bidder; they call Elliot Rodger their Lord and Savior and feminists the female K.K.K. “Women are the ultimate cause of our suffering,” one poster on incels.me wrote recently. “They are the ones who have UNJUSTLY made our lives a living hell… We need to focus more on our hatred of women. Hatred is power.”

On a recent ninety-degree day in New York City, I went for a walk and thought about how my life would look through incel eyes. I’m twenty-nine, so I’m a little old and used up: incels fetishize teen-agers and virgins (they use the abbreviation “JBs,” for jailbait), and they describe women who have sought pleasure in their sex lives as “whores” riding a “cock carousel.” I’m a feminist, which is disgusting to them. (“It is obvious that women are inferior, that is why men have always been in control of women.”) I was wearing a crop top and shorts, the sort of outfit that they believe causes men to rape women. (“Now watch as the level of rapes mysteriously rise up.”) In the elaborate incel taxonomy of participants in the sexual marketplace, I am a Becky, devoting my attentions to a Chad. I’m probably a “roastie,” too—another term they use for women with sexual experience, denoting labia that have turned into roast beef from overuse.

Earlier this month, Ross Douthat, in a column for the Times, wrote that society would soon enough “address the unhappiness of incels, be they angry and dangerous or simply depressed or despairing.” The column was ostensibly about the idea of sexual redistribution: if power is distributed unequally in society, and sex tends to follow those lines of power, how and what could we change to create a more equal world? Douthat noted a recent blog post by the economist Robin Hanson, who suggested, after Minassian’s mass murder, that the incel plight was legitimate, and that redistributing sex could be as worthy a cause as redistributing wealth. (The quality of Hanson’s thought here may be suggested by his need to clarify, in an addendum, “Rape and slavery are far from the only possible levers!”) Douthat drew a straight line between Hanson’s piece and one by Amia Srinivasan, in the London Review of Books. Srinivasan began with Elliot Rodger, then explored the tension between a sexual ideology built on free choice and personal preference and the forms of oppression that manifest in these preferences. The question, she wrote, “is how to dwell in the ambivalent place where we acknowledge that no one is obligated to desire anyone else, that no one has a right to be desired, but also that who is desired and who isn’t is a political question.”

Srinivasan’s rigorous essay and Hanson’s flippantly dehumanizing thought experiment had little in common. And incels, in any case, are not actually interested in sexual redistribution; they don’t want sex to be distributed to anyone other than themselves. They don’t care about the sexual marginalization of trans people, or women who fall outside the boundaries of conventional attractiveness. (“Nothing with a pussy can be incel, ever. Someone will be desperate enough to fuck it . . . Men are lining up to fuck pigs, hippos, and ogres.”) What incels want is extremely limited and specific: they want unattractive, uncouth, and unpleasant misogynists to be able to have sex on demand with young, beautiful women. They believe that this is a natural right.

It is men, not women, who have shaped the contours of the incel predicament. It is male power, not female power, that has chained all of human society to the idea that women are decorative sexual objects, and that male worth is measured by how good-looking a woman they acquire. Women—and, specifically, feminists—are the architects of the body-positivity movement, the ones who have pushed for an expansive redefinition of what we consider attractive. “Feminism, far from being Rodger’s enemy,” Srinivasan wrote, “may well be the primary force resisting the very system that made him feel—as a short, clumsy, effeminate, interracial boy—inadequate.” Women, and L.G.B.T.Q. people, are the activists trying to make sex work legal and safe, to establish alternative arrangements of power and exchange in the sexual market.

We can’t redistribute women’s bodies as if they are a natural resource; they are the bodies we live in. We can redistribute the value we apportion to one another—something that the incels demand from others but refuse to do themselves. I still think about Bette telling me, in 2013, how being lonely can make your brain feel like it’s under attack. Over the past week, I have read the incel boards looking for, and occasionally finding, proof of humanity, amid detailed fantasies of rape and murder and musings about what it would be like to assault one’s sister out of desperation. In spite of everything, women are still more willing to look for humanity in the incels than they are in us.

Jia Tolentino is a staff writer at The New Yorker. https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/the-rage-of-the-incels

#The Sisterhood

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rustyyart · 3 years

Photo

I did a thing! Drew some actual OCs for the first time in a while. This post is about to get long so I’ll put the rest in the break. These were my first ever OCs so I have a LOT to say. Not that anyone’s reading so I’ll just use this as a time marker for future me.

Tbh I’m pretty sure the redesigns had long sleeves besides the tube top. Whoops.

Drawn: December 4, 2020

You asked for it.

Heart

My first ever OC as far as I can remember? I might’ve created Amber before her, but all of my OCs were named “Girl” or “Boy” for an embarrassingly long time. Hell, these are still named after their symbols. First drawn in 4th grade when I was nine, Heart was originally on the Titanic and was created when I was bored in class and remembered I had seen part of the movie Titanic the night before. She played the part of Rose and I mostly drew the part where it sank LMAO. She gets home to her sister (Flower) and is like “It sank” and Flower is like “Aw.” and then they go off and played video games. IDK I was a master of comics.

Heart is in a really weird place. She was this really tough tomboy who protected her more feminine sister and got into trouble a lot. She’s always been a self insert, but from 2009 - 2011 she was more of a power fantasy. She talked back to teachers and spent tons of money on whatever 9yo me wanted at the time. I remember Flower scolding her that they could only play on the computer for half an hour once a year.

When I hit middle school, and thus a new school and new people, she became a shy, almost reclusive character to fit me. I discovered anime when I was 11, so she got tsundere style mood swings. Sun and Cloud were created around that time, I think. Embarrassing real world counterparts later and she, like me, can/could barely function in their presence. A complete 180 to original her. Wow, a look into Heart’s character progression and I see myself devolving into the hermit I am today.

Obviously Heart (as a concept) is a major part of my person. RustyyHeart with my older usernames being Heart*something*. I probably just exposed more middle school cringe to the internet than I’m preparing for, but whatever. RustyyHeart was a rebrand to get away from the feminine nature of the word “heart” or straight up announcing I was a girl. I’ve since accepted the name Rusty instead, despite 14yo me fretting it sounded like a guy’s name. RustyyHeart was the work of a random name generator and I’ve loved it ever since.

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Flower

Heart’s twin sister Flower has been about the same the whole time she’s been around. Besides the Titanic sinking, she’s been by Heart’s side almost all the time. I made them have drama here and there, but they’ve always made up somehow. She isn’t particularly based on anyone, but would occasionally mold into whoever was my best friend at the time. I made her because I always felt lonely whenever I couldn’t hang out with my best friends from school. Go a step further, make a twin sister.

I’m drawing a blank on her character development, to be honest. Flower has just kind of been... there. Generally upbeat and happy and always slightly better at everything than Heart. Pre middle school, she was basically Heart v2 except she did the Dreamworks face way less often. Post middle school, she was the accidental pretty girl and Heart was jealous. She gained a bust sometime after my discovery of anime and I even occasionally made sure to draw that she wore frilly underwear. Can you tell I watched the wrong kind of anime way too young? Flower unintentionally ended up stealing the interests of Sun and Cloud.

I’m not proud of her design at the moment, but I like that I kept the pigtails on the sides of her head instead of moving them. It makes her stand out in comparison to Heart. I don’t really know if I’ll leave either’s outfit like this, granted Heart hasn’t changed much since 2012, but I want to fix them into real characters instead of whatever young me threw together.

I also noticed that somewhere in a redesign phase, Flower got significantly lighter than Heart. I made this whole post and idea about this specifically. Teenage me actually committed colorism against my own OCs. Heart was redesigned in middle school to be “ugly” to mimic all my crushes turning me down, while Flower was “pretty.” I realized that while drawing the two for the first time yesterday. Heart is overweight, darker skin tone, and painfully shy. Flower is hourglass figure, lighter skin tone, and outgoing. Something’s wrong here. In all my comics and drawings they were identical in tone or it wasn’t colored at all. I changed the skin tones within the past couple years. Holy internal bias.

---------------------

You wanna talk forgotten, dumpstered OCs? =D has got you covered. Yes her name is “Equals D” and I hate it too. She’s probably my first exploration into bisexuality TBH and was based on Kari from the Incredibles. She first met Heart and Flower when they went to a spa and she was their... idk servant I guess. She washed their hair because that’s what 9yo me thought happened at spas. I made her a punching bag character, Heart and Flower making fart noises to get on her nerves. Again, comedy genius over here. Imagine the twins’ shock when I made her their permanent live in babysitter, once again taking from her source. So they Home Alone her until she’s like “I find farts funny too!” and the twins were like “:o She’s cool!” Bam! Conflict solved!

I’m impressed at the fact younger me drew her differently than the other two. She had braces and a ponytail. Ok, I didn’t say it was an original design, it’s more of a fan art situation, but I tried something different. Every girl in my comics had the swirl pigtails besides her. She eventually lost the braces because I got tired of drawing them and they started escaping the boundaries of her mouth every time. I remember in the original comic I drew her smiling for the first time in a good amount of pages and put braces on with a caption “Remember these?” I was the only one reading my own comic YES I remember my own stolen design.

I think I changed her to older sister in the redesign in middle school. How weird would a permanent, live in ex-spa employee be? She’s the no-nonsense type who frequently injures herself attempting to be a mother figure. Think Nani from Lilo and Stitch being her main source from that point on. Her only appearance in the comic before I stopped writing it was her burning her hand and hitting her head making breakfast. She drives them to school and they never come home~~~ AKA I got started on my self insert fanfiction phase where my OCs got locked away for 2 years. She never got any attention since then and has only changed designs away from Meroko from Full Moon. Showing your stomach was strictly forbidden in my hyper holy Christian household growing up, so having her have her stomach out was a mark of being an older person. Winking Equals D, later renamed Jix, is/was near constantly shirtless as he is a male version of her and I had no guys IRL to base him off of.

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WOW that was a lot. Thank you for getting through it! I’m sorry I rambled so much. It’s 7:13 am and I finished =D at 6:08. I wanted to get all my feelings down so if I ever redo them, I can look at this and see what I thought. Feel free to leave a suggestion. I want the twins to keep their pigtails and =D to keep a ponytail though, just to keep their origins together. I’ve tried renaming them Scarlett, Flora, and Nina, but the names just don’t stick.

#My OC: Heart #My OC: Flower #My OC: Equals D #The thing on Flower's head is a headband and I still can't draw those RIP #It's actually fun to draw in younger me's doodle style with the db legs #Heart's cowlick was actually only on the left side whoops

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

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Life Story 2002 Summer Part 20

The whole idea of reinventing myself was paramount to my existence at about this point in my formative years of junior high and I had hoped to make some kind of transformation over the summer that would make me much more desirable by the time I hit 8th. I had always been comfortable living inside of my own head until then. I didn't care that I had so much poofy hair, or that I wore no make up or that my clothing was all gender neutral. I wasn't jealous of anyone. I hadn't been happy – in fact I had been quite miserable, but it was always easier just to retreat into my own imagination. Now I was very conscious of my existence outside of myself. And in that world, I had never had a lot of control. Kyle had gotten pretty popular in the last few months of 7th grade, and there were a lot of girls that were getting chummy with him. I was not the only one who liked him now. I could tell that the days of us frolicking in the grass together was over. I managed to keep his attention, but I had sold my soul to do that. I had to open up the floodgates to every boy in my age bracket to let them know that they could tease me – that I had no boundaries. That was my way of preventing that door from shutting. I didn't have the wisdom to really accept that it was over, and what was once a crush was becoming a fervor of faith and denial.

This was probably the first time in my life that I actually felt like a teenager. Katie, Samantha, Sarah and I would all have sleepovers – I was invited now – and we would look at magazines, draw, listen to the radio and talk about boys and girls we didn't like as we looked out and watched the wind blow through the trees. We all had Neopet accounts then, and we were all really into it. During the day, I would get up, and we would often times hang out down by the pool and people watch on the benches by the store. I didn't dare actually swim in the pool anymore, and besides the place was packed and swimming was more like wading in the lava's of hell along with the million other souls. My friends loved to watch their crushes with their shirts off. Sarah liked Rex, Samantha might have still been into Andy – but maybe someone else. Katie was into this guy who lived in Alaska that visited for the summer named Luke. I felt kind of weird though. I didn't get into the shirtless guy thing. For the most part it seemed really out of sorts with how I liked Kyle. Something seemed a little too deviant about sitting and watching him swim and I never really thought about him sexually. I was mocked by my friends and told that I was lying. Nobody could even imagine what it was even like to not have dirty thoughts. I felt pressured to pretend that shirtless guys got to me so I tried to anyway.

We all had become super obsessed with Eminem. The Eminem Show had come out and at the time that was my favorite. This was a deep shady thing for me though. My dad was opposed to rap, and didn't want me to listen to it. I would have been grounded and punished harshly. So if I did listen to it, it had to be secret. Secondly, Samantha was the only one who initially had an album. Nobody I knew ordinarily ordered things online, and if there were Eminem Shows on the shelves, they would get bought up instantly. I was also not of age to buy the unedited version. Samantha had to buy hers up in Spokane. So what I actually had was a blank tape that I had Samantha tape for me. I would listen to it while my dad was away and when he got home I had to take it out of the tape deck and hide it under my mattress.

One of the first things I wanted to do to fix myself up was to get my hair to stay down. It had never crossed my mind to try. So I got a box from the store that was meant to straighten your hair. It worked for the most part. My hair was long and more wavy. I also noticed that a lot of girls on MTV and at school were into tanning. I have always been a pale one. Personally, I didn't really like being tan. But I was very self conscious about my acne, which I thought would blend better if I tanned up a bit, and the hair follicles on my legs were obvious and spotty. My friends had soft hairless legs. So, I started putting on the fake tanning stuff. I looked a little silly. I mean, you could see where I had not evenly spread it on my skin. I also only had about two nice outfits at the time that I felt were suitable for my new look. In order to not have to wear anything unseemly, I started bathing in my clothes. That way I would never have to change. I would walk out of the bathroom dripping, and people would ask me why on earth I had just taken a bath in my outfit. It was a weird time for me.

I was so proud of myself. I wanted Kyle to think of me as pretty. I barely could admit this to myself but that was my aim. I was everyone's favorite comedian with the whacky hair. I wanted to be more feminine. I was excited and very self certain that my new look would cause him to give me a second glance. So Roxanne helped me get the tanning lotion. She helped me with my hair. And then I got a ride back into Kendrick. I wore my best summer attire, and I walked down to the park with Allison. Kyle was always out and about, so I knew he would be down there. I decided that in order to get attention I would need something that he would think was entertaining. I grabbed some finger nail polish, and I thought – 'hey, maybe I will paint bugs rainbow colors and he will come over to me and want to help. It seemed like something he would have been amused by. I went down to the park area quite confidently and sat down where he would be able to see me. I tried not to act too obvious. But he was disinterested. I tried to play it cool, but I was screaming inside. This had never really happened before, aside from maybe a few times when he had been dating Mary.

I looked over, trying not to be obvious, and there was Melissa. She was all over him. She was getting a piggy back ride from him, and squeezing him. When I looked over at her, she looked over at me, and she knew somehow. She continued to upgrade her flirting and look at me more. She knew why I was there, she knew I was jealous. I doubt she was really all that into Kyle at all. She was just hyper aware of my crush somehow. I was beyond baffled. Kyle was eating up the attention from this small deer eyed blonde so of course why would he bother with me.. He even glared at me at one point when I went into the store to use the bathroom. I was hurt. I wanted to start crying and storm home. I had gone through all this trouble to fix my hair and to look nice, and he didn't notice. And why should he? It took me a long time to look nice, but a lot of the girls in my class simply looked great as soon as they woke up in the morning. I would never be like them. I started trying to paint the some poor beetles that Allison and David found for me on the playground. I felt incredibly stupid doing it now, but I had to keep up the act. The poor dumb bugs who didn't deserve their rainbow deaths squirmed away as I painted them. Eventually Kyle came up to me and looked down at what I was doing “That's stupid”, he looked over at Melissa as he said it. My heart broke in half.

I was so lost in my own disappointment that I didn't even quite remember walking home. I felt this lonely sense of failure. I felt embarrassed and stupid and shaky. And of course it started to rain. Also, this strange feeling of rage was growing in me. I had never actually been jealous of another girl before this point. Even when Kyle dated Mary, I had understood it as a necessary evil. I was truly jealous of Melissa. She was smarter than me, more gorgeous than me, tiny. She knew how to get to people in just the right way to influence them. She was some kind of mastermind. It's like she could look at people, and get exactly what she wanted out of them, and it didn't even matter. She got from point A to point Z with ease. I however, was stumbling on C, and nobody had any real hope for me getting past H if I am to be honest with myself. She seemed insatiable, and it all went mindlessly smooth for her. I am sure on the outset that Melissa was full of her own self doubt, her fears and such. But it came off so smooth. Everything that bothers me shows. I have always felt a bit like I was covered in honey surrounded by insects. Everything affects me – and there is no escape. I have to make things work as I go along for this reason. I went home, and for some reason I went into my father's room – he wasn't home – and I cried on his bed for several hours.

Sarah's grandparents on her father's side came from Arizona up to Idaho to visit family. They liked to camp at this place at the end of Clarkston called Chief Timothy – which was a little island like plot of land with camp areas, a sort of marked off swimming area of the Clearwater River, and it is always bustling in the summer. It's off the highway that would eventually take you to Portland or Seattle if you were inclined to keep going, depending on an eventual left or right fifty miles ahead. This area is the beginning of the Washington desert, and it has it's own unique dry rockiness to it that will be with me till the day I die. It's honestly not impossible to get well over 100 degrees in this area in the peak of summer. Sarah agreed to stay with her grandparents for the weekend on the condition that I was able to come along. It was a terrible and memorable weekend. Her grandparents wanted us to sleep in a tent outside. I have never liked camping at all, but we went along with it. We brought a boom box with Eminem of course. We got our drawing stuff so we could draw, and a lot of coca cola. We intended on making the most of it.

Sarah's grandfather on her dad's side was probably the most typical retired old man that you can have in your mind. Think of the stereotype of this sort of person, and you have him. He was overall pretty nice but he didn't really stand out to me at all. Then there was his wife. She was actually not biologically related to Sarah. She was not very smart. In fact, I could barely stand her the whole weekend. She said snotty things. She made rude comments, and almost everything she asserted was incorrect.

The first thing that I remember going wrong is that she would not let us cool off in their air conditioned motor home they were camping in. She had this 'children go out and play and leave me alone attitude'. And it was very hot. We just had to find ways to stay cool until it would finally cool off, but that wouldn't even be till after ten o'clock at night. We got to come in to eat bologna sandwiches for lunch where we watched jeopardy with her briefly ,and then we were sent out into the heat. Sarah is allergic to everything. We were getting pretty sunburnt and she insisted that regular old skin lotion would block the sun. The skin lotion that she had for us was Jerkins and Sarah was allergic to it. She laughed at Sarah and was very rude when she tried to tell her that she was allergic, saying Sarah was a lying teenager. So on top of being third degree burnt, Sarah also had rashes from the lotion all over her skin. I was also burnt horribly by the end of it. I remember my skin blistered and cracked. It even bled in a few places. That dumb woman though.

Her grandfather cooked raw hamburgers on a grill, which were not cooked correctly. We had to resign eating these burgers. This offended Sarah's grandfather and grandmother who were very proud of their rare burgers. Swimming was nice at first. We started kind of going crazy being there for four days. We would swim around the netted area singing Superman by Eminem over and over for hours. On a side note, that is a horribly sexist and annoying song that kind of makes me ill just thinking about – actually a lot of Eminem songs are sexist and all of them are annoying – but I didn't know then and Sarah and I didn't really get what sexism was back then partially because it was permeated in our culture so heavily that it seemed normal to blame the women for being the losers in the relationships, the unfun ones, the bitches. There was definitely some internalizing a sense of self loathing at my own girlishness for me at this point in that impossible double standard where if you are too girlish you are a dumb ninny, but if you are too outgoing or proud you are some kind of a hostile man hating bitch.

The really strange events happened at night though. I shall try to explain. I had for years been fascinated with cryptozoology and had I not wanted to be a comic book artist, I was set on somehow making it as a cryptozoologist – which for those who do not know what that means is by internet definition “the search for and study of animals whose existence or survival is disputed or unsubstantiated, such as the Loch Ness monster and the yeti.” Particularly, I was fascinated by The Jersey Devil, which is this mass hysteria hoax creature with the head of a mule, the body of a kangaroo, the hooves of a goat, and the wings of a bat that some religious people claimed to see back in the 18th century, but somehow gets spotted by people in New Jersey every blue moon. Of many of the possible unknowns out there, I don't think that the Jersey Devil is very likely to ever be proven as real for obvious anatomical and environmentally sound reasons. So it could be said that as I sat there in the tent one of the nights talking about it, we had gotten ourselves a little jumpy, probably thinking more about our haunted houses and the like. It was late, and there was nobody on the little island walking around. We started hearing this strange sound that sounded like a shopping cart being pushed down a hill, along with the this clomping sound of horses. At first I sort of freaked and got jumpy about it because it was just odd. I made this joke that it was the Jersey Devil pushing a shopping cart. We kind of listened to it, and I think we both kind of started looking for a logical explanation. I mean, surely there had to be some good reason why there was this crazy sound at midnight on this island. But it really made no sense. There were no horses allowed, and no real reasons for someone to be pushing a shopping cart, so as the noises got closer, we started getting kind of nervous.

Eventually it became distant again and went away, And then, this light that had been above us went dark. For just about the entire time we had been sitting in the tent for that few hours, there had been a light outside of our tent that beamed straight down that had made it relatively easy for us to see inside of our tent, such was it's brightness. It seemed benign and I hadn't thought of it at all. But when it went out when it did, I commented to Sarah' 'Hey, the street light just went off” and then Sarah sat there in stunned silence and told me in this somber quite sense of realization and horror “Renee, there was no street light there.” I argued in horror and denial that there must have been. By this time we were squeezing together nervously in our blankets. We suddenly felt watched and at several points we thought we could see this shadow outside of one or the other side of the tent– and perhaps that was our fear playing tricks. But there was honestly no light source to be found to account for that big bright light that had been above us. It was very bright. Eventually we fell asleep out of fear. Sarah sort of turned off when she had gotten frightened. I was suppressing a rushed need to run into the motor home and hide. When we woke up that morning, there was indeed no overhead lights just above our tent at all. There would be no real way to get one above our tent unless it had been suspended from something in the air. And of course, all the adults thought we were making it up. To this day, this situation really has made me scratch my head. I wouldn't take it into as much consideration, but Sarah was with me and experienced and saw the whole thing take place as well. It was definitely bizarre.

A rule to anyone who ever thinks it may be a good idea to swim in that water by Chief Timothy – don't. I have known a few people who got Beaver Fever in that area. And I ended up getting an ear infection from the dirty water that was miserable. My father was in denial that anything needed to be done. He didn't want to pay the money to have me go into the emergency room. He simply assumed that this infection would go away by itself. But each day got worse and worse. Eventually I couldn't sleep. My jaw ached. I couldn't touch my ear or hear very well. I was miserable for a few weeks. He went to see our grandma Betty down in southern Idaho, and I had to stay behind for five days – with the notion that eventually this infection would go away. It did not. I stayed at Jodi's house on her couch. I started feeling more like a ball of sweaty pain than I did a girl. I watched hours and hours of music videos. It was the summer of Nelly's annoying 'It's Getting Hot In Here'. Finally when he got back I went into the doctor, who have me a pill and some numbing stuff that worked immediately. The inside of my ear began to crackle and gross stuff started dripping out, but it was so relieving.

On the fourth of July, I made the error of telling Roxanne I would spend it with her, since I had nowhere else to spend it. The 4th of July before had been pretty terrible, if you read previous entries to the life story blogs I write, and I was weary of getting involved with something awful. Roxanne's 4th of July ended up being horrible. She went out with Jody's family, the Browns. They were all rednecked and hammered. The firecrackers they had weren't even very good. Roxanne became too drunk to drive. And as became clear then and in later situations, Roxanne is a wretched drunk and should never drink. She was screaming and crying. I was seven miles away from home, and nobody was sober enough to drive. I was under dressed and cold. Roxanne said that I would just have to stay the night at the Browns because their house smelled like vomit, and I vehemently refused. This made everyone drunkenly annoyed at me. Eventually Jody drove me home. It was yet another annoying 4th that I in no way enjoyed.

I went home, and I remember getting that tingly sense of joy knowing I was alone at last in my home. Most of the time, being in my house alone was frustrating and made me a bit nervous, but there are also several times where even to this day, I come into an empty house and it is very satisfying. It has this leveling calming element to it conditioned into my being after days where I was overstimulated or depressed or needed space from friends or my father and needed time to myself. I made my bed on the couch and listened to the cracking of the fire crackers outside. I could see Kyle dancing up and down the street with a sparkler in hand, and it made me happy. At least someone was having a good time. I turned on the radio, and it was one of those rare situations where a radio station that ordinarily only plays pop music decides to put on a song that isn't of that genre. I had never heard Bohemian Rhapsody before. It's a well known song I know, almost too cliché, but honestly, when you listen to it for the first time – really listen to it, it is theatrically impressive and completely original. There is no song even remotely like it. I remember being blown away and quite impressed. I teared up I was so mesmerized. It was probably the best thing that has ever happened on one of my 4th of July's.

Maria moved back into Lewiston. She had gotten an apartment in Juliaetta. But she had a severe nervous breakdown. She had taken a can of peas and smashed it against her head very hard and needed stitches. I remember feeling really bad. At the time, I didn't know what it meant to feel that awful. She had just had Ian and perhaps it was postpartum depression mixed with the depression that she already had.

And also, Roxanne's dad finally died. I didn't go to his funeral, and I am not even sure if he had one or not. There was a big thing about money. Roxanne instantly inherited 90,000 dollars. Her other two way older brothers she didn't know very well also inherited quite a lot. I've said it before, but by god, I really wish I had that kind of money. I'm not mad, but that kind of money could really be the thing that turned things around for me. I could go back to school. Get my health under control. Roxanne did nothing of the sort of course. She was drunk for the entire time and the second she got that money everyone was her best friend. My mom borrowed money, Jody used a lot of her money, she was constantly surrounded by an entourage of people. There was no budgeting or I think even conscious awareness of what was being spent. Free drugs for everyone. People started doing a lot of meth with Roxanne. She had dabbled with it before, but now that she had all this money, there were drug dealers looking to make a profit. My mom was in on the meth. Everyone was getting pretty crazed about meth. I wasn't completely aware of this, though I sensed the instability and frenzy of it all.

Roxanne was staying at these apartments at the time called Adam's Lane. For a time, my mom didn't have a place after we had left the trailer behind so she was there as well. My father would drop us off on the weekends. They really were kind of crummy. I remember there was this bench that had all these women's numbers soliciting sex and prostitution right next to the playground. It was all either in sharpie or etched into the wood. It would say – call this number if you wanna fuck , some women's names and the like. Before you let your kids play in the playground you had to get the needles out of the park, and though we didn't know it at the time, there was this creepy old man who would sit and stare at the kids and we found out later that he was a pedophile. Someone chased him off, but the landlords did nothing.

Since Roxanne inherited that money, she was absolutely never sober at all. She was completely out of it. Nobody ever took the garbage out, so the entire downstairs was littered with bags of garbage, and it didn't smell too nice. There was one weekend where my mom was staying there, and Roxanne was at her absolute worst. I have never seen her this drunk before or since. She had been drunk for over a week straight. At one point she had walked off into the town and had come back two days later, still completely wasted. Some guy had given her a ride home, and she didn't even remember what happened – though it didn't seem like she'd been raped. She was screaming and crying and I was trying to stay away from her because she would go through bouts of rage and laughter and crying and in every case she was prone to getting physical and had no filter at all. I remember my mom was cleaning and trying to look after her nervously. We were all just trying to calmly live around her until she sobered up. She decided that she was going to tickle attack me. I don't remember what made her get to that point where she thought of this, but it crossed her mind and she went for it. I hate being tickled even lightly. She threw her entire body on me, and I could barely breath. She was digging her nails into me as hard as she could frantically like a lunatic. I felt suffocated and helpless and I realized that I was going to have to viciously fight back if I planned on getting out from under her. I bit her hair, which made her let go of my wrists. With a free hand, I punched her, but she didn't stop. I punched her then as hard as I could, and she fell to the floor sobbing miserably.

She started crying how sorry she was for being cruel to me when I was young. I don't hold it against her, but Roxanne really did make life hard for me when I was young. She was in some ways extremely abusive. So her guilt about that came pouring out. My mom actually understood why I had done what I had done and didn't give me any grief for it. She told Roxanne that she had had it coming. Then she led Roxanne to her bedroom where she sobbed herself to sleep. In the morning, believe it or not, she wasn't even hung over. I don't understand why not – but she just wasn't.

Katie spent half her summer pursuing this Luke guy before he went back home up to Alaska. He had this sister named Coty that became Katie's best friend outside of our circle. I didn't really like Coty or Luke from what I knew. I met them by accident in Lewiston. Everyone was walking behind the houses on the hillside, sometimes traveling through people's back yard for the sake of adventure, and it was strange to see Katie in the same town my mother lived in, but there she was behind the Adam's Lane Apartments. I went with them. I didn't really like them, but I can't now remember the reason. There was this situation with Whitney involved (mentioned previously) that made Katie a forever enemy of Whitney's. Katie became infatuated with this Luke person, and he saw Whitney noted her beauty, and like an annoying foolish man of medieval times, decided to attempt to win Whitney's heart by standing outside of her house until someone had to tell him to leave. This made Katie enraged. So for the next year or so, Katie would spent at least an hour each week drawing pictures of Whitney being skewered by horned animals, be it a unicorn or an elk. She would draw her being disemboweled. She would draw close ups of Whitney's nose. It was pretty hilarious actually. Somewhere I believe Sarah still has one of these drawings kept. I wish I had kept more of Katie's artwork. It was actually pretty funny.

Here is what i have written thus far of my life story.

PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8

PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk

PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng

PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c

PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5

PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq

PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s

PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94

PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84

PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw

PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

#text

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fmajorzine-blog · 7 years

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Introducing: Phoebe Green

At just 19 years old, Phoebe Green isn’t your average teenager. She’s a vocal, woke-as-fuck intersectional feminist pursuing her dreams of being a successful musician by doing what she loves. And she’s doing a bloody good job of it. Hailing from Manchester in the UK, Phoebe is a singer/songwriter who plays purposeful pop, with undertones of alt-folk and soft shoegaze vibes. Last year, she released her debut EP, 2:00 AM, after years of bedroom performances which led to school concerts which led to the present; playing her first gig last December at The Wonder Inn in Manchester and an upcoming show at Gullivers in a matter of days. It’s an exciting time to be Phoebe Green.

An active musical performer in her school life, Phoebe always knew that music was her path. She looks back, “When I was little I was a massive attention-seeker, and so I think I was just destined to be a performer. There are so many videos of me singing Atomic Kitten tunes through a tiny karaoke machine I got one Christmas. I think I just used my voice as a way of making people pay attention to me and then it progressed into something much more! I started properly taking it seriously when I was about 13, I wrote a lot of songs and recorded them on my family computer webcam.”

She has the talent, that’s for sure. But choosing such a lucrative career choice isn’t easy without support, especially at home considering her age. Thankfully that wasn’t an issue, Phoebe says “I honestly could not have more supportive parents, they are willing to sacrifice anything for my career because they know it's all I've ever wanted. My mates just can't believe how fast things have started happening, one minute I'm playing school talent shows and the next I'm on radio one, it's so mad! But yeah my best friend Isobel has been with me through everything, we listened to the final mix of the album together before I released it and we just cried. She's so so supportive and has so much faith in me as an artist.”

Speaking about her own influences, Phoebe steers away from her own genre. Quite significantly. “The Jonas Brothers! They were the first band I'd heard where their lyrics actually hit me, their Disney stuff was obviously a load of bollocks and even at the age of about ten it was too cheesy for my taste, but their self-titled album was so intense, I absolutely loved it. I played it every night before I went to sleep!”

After officially breaking into the scene last year, Phoebe talks about the negatives that came alongside, especially those that arose from being young and female. She says “People underestimate me massively. I think loads of people presume I'm pretty shy and reserved, but when they meet me they're greeted with this dead outspoken, takes-no-shit kid that is probably a lot more eloquent and business-minded than people presume. I think success for females is linked massively to looks and the way we carry ourselves, and so I try to challenge peoples' perspectives by turning up to meetings bare-faced and wearing mad outfits; in a way I think I'm just so scared of maybe getting signed for being "pretty" that I try so hard to not fall into that category in case they are more focused on what I look like than the music I make.”

She also touches on identity, and the differences between feminism and femininity. Phoebe states “I don't at ALL think femininity is a weakness by any means, I just don't think I really am all that feminine a lot of the time; I'm just against presenting myself in a way that isn't actually me at all, and worried about people taking a liking to that person and regretting their decision when they see what I'm actually like! I just think that being a girl in the industry people want you to be sexy and cute and marketable, and sure I could be that, but I'd much rather challenge it and make being a female musician about the music and the different perspectives we have than this hyper-sexualised product we see a lot of these days. I want to be up there with the big boys making music that is equally as good and therefore being equally as respected as they are”.

Nowadays her influences are a little more mature, and reflect her own style of performing and songwriting. She says “Stevie Nicks is always gonna be up there, the girls in bands like HAIM, Hinds, Alvvays, The Big Moon, Japanese House, etc. Lorde is incredible, she just does her thing, same with Marika Hackman. Any girl that is slaying the industry with her art and putting herself out there is an inspiration to me. It's really fucking hard to make yourself known in a male-dominated industry, especially in the indie scene where there are countless white male bands who ALL have female equivalents that are just ignored.” This under-representation is seen in the industry, undisputedly in the festival world. Phoebe talks of her anger towards this issue, saying “It's a load of bollocks. I just can't understand it in the slightest! There are SO MANY incredible female musicians that the people who sort these line-ups should be spoilt for choice. It's just grim.” Preach.

In terms of progression and resolution for the lack of women in the industry, Phoebe gives her advice. “I think we just need to make ourselves heard, and it is hard, but if you just keep doing your thing and grafting at it and supporting other girl bands in the industry, we can all lift each other. We literally all just need to work together towards making the industry a more diverse place, because when we have each others' backs it is so much more effective than pushing other gals down.”

Outspoken on her twitter, Phoebe is someone everyone needs on their feed. Using her platform for good, Phoebe doesn’t keep quiet about important issues and events. Especially her views on the controversial presidential election result and it’s after effects. Speaking about dickhead Trump’s win, Green says “Honestly I am still in this grim state of shock. How can someone filled with so much hate and ignorance be fit to run one of the most powerful countries in the world? No-one with such a lack of compassion can be trusted with so many lives. It just isn't fair and it disgusts me that everyone knows what he said but everyone ignores it. That speech Michelle Obama did about his sexist comments gave me goosebumps. How can any woman put her trust in a man that has so little respect for her and her rights. It actually breaks my heart. To be honest though it's given us a kick up the arse and only encourages me to be more vocal with about my beliefs and to be more of a compassionate human being!”

Phoebe has grown to be an amazing musician and woman, using her influence wisely and inspiring others to be themselves and to love one another. I urge everyone to light a candle, get cosy and stick on her EP 2:00 AM. Her lyrics tell stories, the melodies are dreamy and you may or may not have a religious experience. You’ve been told. Better yet, catch her at her best- LIVE. She plays Manchester’s Gullivers on April 11th, and tickets can be found here.

Ending on her thoughts on feminism and the future, Phoebe says:

“We have fought so much, but there is still such a long way to go. Make sure your feminism is intersectional and keep fighting the good fight.”

Keep up with Phoebe on social media here:

Twitter

Facebook

Instagram

Soundcloud

#phoebe green #2am #music #feminism #pheobe #green #indie #blossoms #catbm #singer #acoustic #interview #interviews

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