I'm on the tail end of a sinus infection, and was considering skipping this tonight. But I'm here, so let's go.
And Ben winds up in the middle of the Pilgrim Times equivalent of that one Super Mario 64 DS minigame.
"Hey, don't want to interrupt your girl time, but there's a fucking funeral, get a move on."
Oh shit, a cat, that means Ben is fucked.
Is this Ben's first time on the east coast?
Why do they have a moonshine still rigged up at the Project?
"Okay, I have to get back to work and pretend this didn't happen. So, if I have to show back up later in the episode, I will be pissed."
"Don't look at me, I'm not even allowed in the Imaging Chamber." Addison, I have seen the promo for this one. Shut up.
...is it bad that I think she's faking her crying?
"It's just gossip, it can't hurt you." Ben, I have some bad news for you about how the Salem Witch Trials worked...
Oh, yes, just talk to a ghost in the middle of a funeral during the Salem Witch Trials, this won't end badly...
Why does the Reverend look like James Madison?
"We're in Colonial America, lots of people died in strange ways. Some did it for fun."
"Ask yourself if it is hiding among us here today." Oh boy, here we go...
Ah, so there it is: Josiah had a cold, so they thought prayer would fix it.
Uh, you might need to double up on the funeral, guys...
...is Ben going to "out" himself as a witch by inventing CPR?
"SHE BROUGHT THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE! STONE HER!"
[Okay, Ben got accused of witchcraft, break time!]
"Okay, now you two stay there, and think about what you've done!"
"What was once a whisper and a rumor is now a fact! The practice of this 'CPR' is causation for witchcraft!"
Okay, given how quickly those three were willingly to throw her friend under the bus, I'm starting to suspect where this plot is going.
"Uh, hey, Jenn, Ben fucked up in a real bad way, get the lead out?"
"If you admit you are a witch, you will be forgiven, and we will kill you. If you don't, we will skip the forgiveness step."
"Did it work?" "Goody still dies." Fucking duh.
"You don't attend church." Neither do I, pick a new excuse.
"I've seen this movie. Didn't like how it ended. Two thumbs down."
"Look, Ben, just admit to witchcraft, and the episode ends early." ...Ben, I wouldn't bet money on that.
"Ma'am, why are you conversing with a spirit while on the witness stand?"
Oh, that's not gonna go well, you're using the guy you "brought back to life" for your cause...
BEN, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT SCIENCE IS YET, STOP DIGGING THE GRAVE DEEPER!
...honestly, Ben, what the fuck did you expect?
"Whelp, my job is done, I damned the woman who saved my life, I'm out."
Okay, Ben, at this point, your best option is to just fake your deaths.
"The only this this town is cursed with is stupidity." "Don't say that." Ma'am, you're about to be burned to death, stop defending them.
"I don't know what to believe anymore. Everyone betray me! I'm fed up with this world!"
Sulfur: The funniest part of Salem.
Oh, great, we have someone going insane, Ben's practically alone no-
Why is Ian invoking the Devil?
"Have we learned nothing since 1692?" ... ... ...well, I mean, we did discover electricity?
"Welshire, where do I know that name?" He's the ancestor of the Welch's fruit snacks guy.
"Listen to me, Sam." The only way they will get Ben to say that in this show without Scott Bakula.
"Wanna see some real magic? I just invented pickpocketing."
Full moon, perfect night for a prison break.
Ma'am, it's almost as if you don't want to escape.
...why is the Specter of Death watching them?
Twice this season a leap has involved a shop getting looted, what're the odds...
...if this leap is how the pointy hat got added to the witch mythology...
Ben, stop invoking science, this is literally not the time...
"I'm not a witch, I'm a time traveler."
"I want to believe there still is some goodness left in this town." Yeah, but, they want to burn you, so... (shrug)
This is looking like this is the last stand, Ben...
You have a lot of fucking gall to act like you want to help now, William.
BEN, STOP TALKING SHOP, AND ESCAPE
"I fancied an apple. I wasn't helping an escape."
And that apple is gonna fuck them.
Magic, there's 18 minutes left, episode ain't over.
And here we see Addison lampshading how she's been low-key written out of the show.
Addison, I don't know what it says about you if you thought he meant literal alchemy.
And there we have the real reason why Magic was in this episode.
"Look, either I leave, you I die, I don't like it either, Elizabeth."
"Look, you and Morgan have fun, I'm shipping up to Boston."
"Look, you might not know this, but let's pretend I'm a time traveler from 2023 that has gone through his share of emotional bullshit! Life sucks, now get of that wagon!"
Watch as the "plan" involve rain, like how The Wicker Man was originally supposed to end.
I was fucking joking, but here we go.
"Addison, Ben may or may not burn today, get in the Imaging Chamber."
Well, luckily, Sam Beckett once made God make it rain, so, maybe that trick will work twice.
Ben, just stall for 7 minutes, maybe this will all work out.
"My last words are it's gonna rain, and if it ain't we'll all burn in Hell together. (turns to the sky) YOUR MOVE, GOD!"
...taking your sweet ass time, ain't you, God...
"There, it rained, that means witches aren't real."
...Ben, people only make that kind of face when they have a good pee, dial it back.
Ladies, just because it rained for a minute, it doesn't mean it didn't rain.
"Look, I know I keep defaulting to science in this, but your well is contaminated, and it's made you all insane."
And just like that, they're all friends again, just brush he attempted murder under the rug.
Look, Ben, there is still a pretty decent chance the time skip's being undone at the end of the season, so, maybe this will work itself out.
Welcome to Egypt, Ben.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Water purification is what this country desperately needs.
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