#Again I don't want it to seem like I'm shutting down criticism and I'm very open to discussing this and listening

[attractedtopeoples]

HI POOKIR hope you are okay so I was thinking

Johnnie x f reader like UH overstim with edge on readers side ? And like reader maybe has a very pink style (coquette/hello kitty typa) and if you could do smth like after aftercare he does a stream and like reader kinda left some lipstick on his neck or hickeys IDK of you don’t wanna that’s okay! Have a good day

A/N: HIII LOVE, thank you I am doing better, and happy new year! I hope this is okay, especially sorry if i didn't mention the fashion as much- i'm not very good at incorporating those smaller details. despite that i absolutely loved this prompt, and i had sat there fangirling over the thought of this scenario for a hot minute but here we go, and as always constructive criticism is welcome.

Johnnie Guilbert

Tags/Warnings: mdni, minors do not interact, don't like don't read, smutty, explicit, f!reader, there is one creepy ass guy at the start, overstimulation, aftercare & slight fluff, marking kink from reader if you squint, tease reader/snarky reader, yh i think that's all, tell me if you think there should be more, NOT BETA-READ.

1.2k Words

The both of you had been at the grocery store, getting a few things for the apartment and stuff you needed for future videos. However, at one point Johnnie had left to grab some cookies he'd seen earlier, and some random guy had come up behind you, attempting to corner you into the shelf, one hand on your pressed on your lower back under the crop top you'd worn.

The sudden contact was obviously not appreciated, and you pushed him back as you stepped away quickly, avoiding his hand when he reached out again.

"Sorry Sweetheart, just admiring the view," the random guy said, as if it provided any valid explanation. You could feel his eyes tracing over you, and felt rather disgusted as his eyes stayed trained on your mini-skirt for a few seconds longer than you were comfortable with.

"Who's this?" a voice spoke behind you, and you had never been more thankful than when you turned around to find Johnnie standing there glaring at the creep. The guy rolled his eyes at Johnnie, but took a step back regardless, glancing at you once more before walking away, leaving a confused Johnnie with chocolate chip cookies in hand.

"Just a nobody, it's okay" you'd assured him, although it clearly didn't do a great job, his eyes still taking in every detail, trying to find any evidence of pain or discomfort.

"Are you sure?" he'd asked, wrapping a protective arm around your shoulders as he looks back down the aisle with a slight frown.

"Been better, I just wanna go home." you'd admitted with a sigh as you leaned into his embrace.

That lead to where you are now, one hand clutching the pillow behind you and the other tangled in Johnnie's hair as his tongue pushes you towards another climax, your third tonight to be specific, and Johnnie did not seem like he wanted to stop. His hands had taken their place on your inner thighs, keeping your legs from closing around his legs as he overstimulates you.

Your back arched off the bed as you were pushed over the edge once more, and your hand was tugging Johnnie's hair, a futile attempt at pushing him away. However, to your surprise, he pulled away from you with a pleased grin on his face. Sadly, It didn't last very long, as one of his hands moved up your thigh as he began rubbing slow circles around your clit, applying a painful yet pleasurable pressure as you threw your head back once more.

His other hand trailed upwards- towards your hips, and he sat back on his knees, admiring you splayed out in front of him as he continued to toy with your overstimulated body, gently sliding two fingers inside you as you let out a broken moan, throat already sore from the previous rounds.

"Feeling better now darling?" He asks teasingly, curling his fingers inside you as your nails dig into the back of his neck, eyes squeezed shut as you try not to lose your mind from the feelings overwhelming you as his fingers thrust into you at a steady pace.

There were hickeys covering the both of you, but especially yourself, and you couldn't say you were all that upset. There was a trail of them from your jawline, down your collarbone, and scattered down the rest of your body. On your thighs the hickeys and love-bites were joined by slight bruises on your inner thighs form Johnnie's fingers.

On him it was mainly his neck and jawline, alongside a few scattered over his chest before he laid you down, opting to mark you up instead. Although as he leans down, placing his other arm by the side of your head, you had a nice few of them.

Looking into his eyes your shaky arms wrapped around his neck to pull him closer into a kiss, tasting yourself on his lips as he reciprocated eagerly. The hands around his neck tightened as you felt the coil in your stomach tighten, and as he began to speed up you knew you wouldn't last much longer.

You pulled him in for another kiss as you felt yourself fall over the edge again, crashing your lips together in a desperate attempt of muffling the noises you knew would have woken one of your roommates. As the aftershocks wore off Johnnie slowly pulled his fingers out, wiping them on the bedsheets as he brings you closer, hugging you softly as he traces shapes into your skin.

After a while of you two lying there wrapped up in each other, he sighed and pulled back from you and off the bed to grab something from the bathroom. A few moments later he walked back into your room, a washcloth in his hand and you allowed yourself to relax back into the bed as he sat down next to you.

He rubbed soothing circles into your thighs as he cleaned you up, taking care to be extra gentle with you as he carefully wiped down your thighs with the warm towel. You watched him with a soft smile as your eyes drooped slightly. Eventually you felt your eyes close, and in your drowsy state you could feel Johnnie lie down next to you, an arm wrapped around your waist as you fall asleep together.

~

Blinking your eyes open you could hear the clicking of a keyboard somewhere in the room, and when you pat around for Johnnie you can only feel an empty space next to you in the bed. Rubbing your eyes as you adjust to the lighting you can finally see Johnnie at his desk on the other side of the room, both his camera and mic set up in front of him as he streams, most likely playing some form of game.

With a small sigh you sit up and hold back a groan at the pain in your lower back from last night. The movement caught Johnnie's attention, and you could see him mouth sorry out of the camera frame, although with the way he tilted his neck you could also see the collection of hickeys you'd left scattered on him- and by the way his camera was facing it was rather clear he was trying not to show them.

That fact didn't matter now however, as he'd just completely displayed each and every one to the viewers of his stream, and as you watched the realization flood his features you had to hold back a laugh. He slowly sat back into frame, and you watched his eyes flick over the comment section, and after a few seconds he just let out a resigned sigh.

With a raised eyebrow you kept watching as he pressed a few buttons, and then he started to speak again.

"Alright guys, I think that's a pretty good ending note, I'll see you next time," and with a final click of a button he slumped back into the chair and turned to face you tiredly. Meanwhile you were still trying not to laugh at him, one hand over your mouth as a pointless attempt at hiding your laughter.

"Shut up," he grumbled, but it didn't help much as you flopped back down onto the bed and continued to laugh, smiling when he came over and joined you on the bed, wrapping his arms around you as he tucked his head into the crook of your neck.

#mdni #18+ mdni #anon <3 #johnnie guilbert smut #johnnie guilbert #johnnie guilbert fanfic #fandom: jake and johnnie #i don’t know if there is a fandom name for these two #oh well #i was listening to sad conan gray songs whilst writing this #i dont know why #dividers by cafekitsune #divider by animatedglittergraphics n more

[zjpg]

just a girl

'politics'

last - m.list - next

[march - pre season testing]

WARNING: misogyny, mean parents, politics and feminism (?)

the past two hours were filled with phone calls, all because of some words on her helmet. her pr team telling her to stay off social media while they control incoming questions, red bull management trying to defuse the media, horner telling her to 'stay tight' until it all 'passes by', her parents arguing with her, her brother's giving their opinions. she's talked to so many people in less that five hours and she's exhausted.

everyone has been checking on her since twitter erupted with criticism, towards her and each other. but after her morning, she wanted nothing to do with anyone. the silence on her end since the press conference must've been concerning, bottas and kimi even called her. but she's been ignoring every incoming phone call and text message. she took a bath, read a book, made some friendship bracelets, just anything to get her mind off of the constant hate.

she's glad that other drivers and teams are sticking up for her. it made her happy to see that the wolff family had her back along with her own team principal. she has new stations reaching out to her personally and asking for statements, assuming her team already shut them all down, she deleted each email. so unprofessional.

she was reading as she played some soft music in the background, the hotel suite she had been staying in gave her a luxurious yet cozy feel. she felt safe and comfortable in her little bubble, until someone came and popped it by knocking on her door. she sighed, letting the music play but putting the book down before answering it. swinging it open, she saw the familiar eyes staring at her from the other side of the door.

"what are you doing here?" she asked with a head tilt, letting him in even though she didn't want to.

"you're not answer me, or anyone for that matter." pierre sighed and walked in, holding a box of what looked to be pastries from the café down the street. "apple strudel, eclair's, and macarons." her favorite pastries, charles and arthur always bought her one - or all - whenever she got sad as a child. now it's become a less prevalent tradition as they've grown, she doesn't show much sadness anymore.

she excepted the pink box from his hand, sighing but taking them to the kitchen as he follows behind like a lost puppy. "why are you ignoring everyone? shutting us all out isn't going to make anything any better."

she knew he was right, and that's why she only grew more furious. she didn't like being wrong.

"i just need some time alone." she grumbled and turned back to him after placing the goodies on the counter, leaning against it. "i've been getting phone calls, text messages, and emails all week from people wanting something from me-"

"i don't want anything from you other than knowing if you're okay."

"i'm fine!"

"it doesn't seem like it!" her bareface was nothing new to him or really anyone else, she never wore makeup at the tracks, but it's the state of her disheveled hair, yesterday's pajamas, and the red eyes that made the current state of her mind very clear to the frenchman.

she let out a breath and gripped the roots of her hair out of frustration before releasing them again, "pierre. i need some space."

"everyone's giving you space, addilyn, we're worried."

"well don't be!" she snapped, yelling at him. in all his years of knowing her, the only time he's ever heard her yell is during race's and he wouldn't even call that yelling. "i can handle myself! everything going on is so fucking unfair! but i can't show that i'm upset like the rest of you can. i can't be unhappy, i need to be grateful, i need to smile and be polite! it doesn't matter if i'm losing a race or getting sent death threats, i need to be happy!" tears verged her eyes, her lower lip wobbling "please leave."

"addi-"

"pierre. please just go. i don't want comfort. i want you out."

he didn't want to, but he listened. he wanted to hug her, validate everything she's feeling, tell her she's going to get through it and how much everyone loved her. but he could tell in her voice, her eyes, she really didn't want him there. and he didn't take that personal, or at least tried not to. because at the end of the day he will never understand what she's experiencing.

he sighed, inching closer to her, watching as she allowed him to give her a small peck on her temple, "please take care of yourself." he said before leaving. as soon as the door closed, addi collapsed to the marble floor, her knees betraying her. she sobbed loudly, thankful for the thickness in the walls.

this week long period between practice and the race was going to be excruciating, not just for her but everyone. the press and media are going insane on everything from news outlets to social media. a lot of people are standing up for her, but it's the portion that are sending her death threats that she sees.

she's never felt so powerless before. even being surrounded by over-powering men, she's never felt so powerless. she feels lonely, but a part of her likes that emptiness. the emptiness of not having to talk about the same three things every second, the emptiness of not having to force a laugh at an unfunny joke.

she looks through all her missing texts, she didn't realize how much they've built up over the past 24 hours.

claire your brother told me what your parents said, are you okay? don't listen to them i head you're kinda ignoring everyone at the moment. i'll leave you be just know we all love and care about you i love you🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

daniel It's easy to let words affect you, trust me I know. I've obviously never experienced anything near this, but I can't imagine how you're feeling right now If you need a good laugh I have this really great movie to show you, so feel free to stop by anytime😊

nolan Mom and Dad need to get their head outta their asses. I'm sorry they said thatCharles called me. Just keep yourself safe and healthy.

arthurAre you okay? I know you're probably not I'm sorry you're going through this. I heard your PR team is saying you aren't accepting gift right now It's probably best, for security reasons. But a little girl came up to me in the lobby and asked if I would give you a bracelet she made. I told her I would, so whenever you're ready just stop by. I'll keep it safe for you :) Love you. ❤️

christian We're getting it sorted out Keep your head high kid!

max People are idiots. Don't listen to them. You know your worth. Let me know if you need anything, I support you.

pierreI know you said to leave you alone. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for yesterday. It wasn't right of me to bombard like that. I hope you enjoy the pastries though! I saw them while I was out and thought you could use some right now. Let me know if that bakery is any good, might buy myself some :) Love you!🤍

lewisHey, Addi You want to come visit Roscoe? I'm sorry about what's happening. Can anyone ship out Jewel? We all need a comfort buddy sometimes. Don't let what people say affect you, I know it a lot more easier said than done, but try.

mom Answer your father.

dad Answer my calls Your manager needs to stop telling me what to do I am your father. I come before sports. Your brothers told me you just aren't speaking to anyone. Stop being ridiculous. I told you not to make outrageous statements like that during season. And you add it to your helmet?!? Are you crazy Addilyn? You're going to get yourself killed one day!

yuki Do you want some food? I can bring you some 😁 Pierre told me you're kinda shutting down. We're all worried. But i understand you need space. So just let me know if you need anything :)

louisI told you this would happen Idk why you didn't just listen to me I told you if you put that stuff on your helmet people would notice and cause an uproar Posted or not.

sebastian Addilyn? I heard something about you not talking to anyone. Charles told me about your parents, I hope that's okay. Don't be mad at him, I sort of pushed it out of him. I'm here if you need me Kiddo. Don't fade away. I'll be there for you. 😁

valtteri You okay? How are you holding up?

estabonWe aren't close or anything, but you called me 'Estie Bestie' so I'm gonna count that as being friends. You need to talk to Charles or Pierre. Or someone. People don't know what they're saying online.

charlesTalk to me. Addi I know you're going through a lot right now but please talk to someone. Nolan told me about the argument with your parents. And Pierre told me what happened yesterday. No one's mad at you. At least let me know you're alive

kimi Hey kid, talk to someone, it's getting concerning.

lando I've been trying to stay offline. every tweet I see just pisses me off. I tried not to call or text because I know you want some space right now. But I hate no knowing if you're okay. Please talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me, just talk to someone. Adds please tell me you're okay. I care about you a lot Charles helped me with that, I hope he wasn't lying to me.

of course other drivers and teams have messaged her a few times since the incident began, but those are just from last night and the current day. she sighed, thinking to herself for a moment before opening one of the chats.

addi i'm alive

charlesGood. How are you?

addicould be better.

charlesYou wanna talk about it?

addi I'm so tired. i just wanted to stand up for women everywhere and now i'm getting death threats.

charlesI know, Chérie. I wish there was more i could do for you.

addii just want to race.

charlesYou will. Next weekend And you're gonna win And prove to everyone that you're more than just a girl.

addidoes that mean you'll let me pass you?

charlesI never said the winning part was going to go easily 😉

addipassing you is pretty easy, was just hoping we could avoid collision 😁

charlesOh screw off!For real though, do you need me to come over?

addiCould you?

charlesYeah, I'll be over in just a second with Charlotte❤️

taglist: @love4lando @fairiepoems @leilanixx @ietss @charli123456789 @ayoanna @enhacolor @be-your-coffee-pot @alixnsuperstxr @vellicora @tpwkstiles

a/n: i lied i'm uploading cause i wanna be cruel :) ALSO i would like to note that i'm aware the slogans on her helmet are not only used in america, the hater's tweet was solely to show their ignorance and that they are misinformed, i'm well aware of the terms and phrases being used all of the world (as they should be) 🫶🏻

#˗ˏˋ lucie. ❝ just a girl ❞ #lando norris #formula 1 #arthur leclerc #charles leclerc #f1 #f1 fanfic #f1 x female reader #f1 x oc #f1 imagine #pierre gasly imagine #pierre gasly insta au #pierre gasly smau #lando norris smau #lando norris insta au #lando norris imagine #arthur leclerc smau #arthur leclerc insta au #arthur leclerc imagine

[petitprincess1]

What critiques do you have of Hazbin? I'm wondering because I keep seeing a lot of criticism and hate towards it and I don't Wana get into something that's possible waste of time. Srry if thats rude

Dude, you're perfectly fine. I'm gonna keep it to like five points bc some things that I have problems with are mainly nitpicks. None of this, imo, is a dealbreaker for me. However, if it is for you, fair.

This is one that everyone has talked about and I fully agree with. The pacing is whiplash-inducing. I still do believe it's better than HB S1, but there is just so much information being thrown around that it's mind-boggling. The songs definitely help to slow things down a bit and introduce more info in an engaging, catchy way. However, I feel like there were some eps that either needed to come sooner or later in the series. I get they were fighting the clock, but still.

Lucifer and Charlie's relationship needed better explaining. Without going into spoilers, from what it felt like in the Pilot, it seemed like they were building up to something a bit more confrontational. I always figured Charlie possibly embellished Lucifer's words, but now it makes it feel like Charlie was talking to a completely different man. Someone that isn't even her father. Lu acts so much like Charlie, or vice versa, that it seems almost impossible to misinterpret his words.

NO FILLERS! The closest episode to a filler is the 3 ep, but even that brings up information and moves the plot along with key points. Now, that's not a bad thing entirely. It keeps you engaged. But this show very much lacks any breathing room. There's so much being thrown your way. Either things get overly talked about or not talked about enough. Which brings me to my next point-

The world-building is both fulfilling and empty. You do get a good sense of Heaven and Hell in this universe, especially Hell. You get an idea of the hierarchy and even some hypocrisy. However, we also don't really know how Heaven nor Hell operates. Like Lucifer appeared to be a shut-in. Yes, Lilith was the one inspiring demonkind, but what about when she disappeared? Is that why everything is garbage now? How much does Lucifer influence Hell? Where are the archangels? Was this conflict not important? Is there a "God" even in this show? What is Heaven's hierarchal system? There's so much being said, while also nothing being explained.

This one is the lowest for me bc I'm a bit torn on it. I've seen a few people complain about how the main characters are introduced as if you're supposed to know them. I didn't get this feeling, but I'm also a fan of Hazbin. I try to go in with a fairly "empty mind" so that I can view the material without rose-tinted glasses. However, it felt like some of the characters were given decent introductions at times. Idk. I'd like to know other's opinions on that.

Another one that I want to add is probably more diversity in the body sizes in the show. I'm not too worried about it bc Helluva Boss does a great job with body diversity, but Hazbin seems to be fairly stick and slender. But, again, I'm not too worried about it.

All in all, those are my biggest issues with the show. Like I said, none of these are dealbreakers, especially since we'll be getting a S2. Vivzie seems to listen to criticism, judging by the differences with HB S1 vs S2. So, I'm really hoping that we finally get to relax and actually get to know the characters more. Like, Adam shows the 7 Deadly Sins, while Charlie shows the 7 Virtues. I hope Adam isn't permanently dead bc I feel like this would be a good wake-up for him. He'll become the being that they were exterminating. But only time will tell.

Majority of this can be blamed on Prime and A24 for only giving them 8 episodes. I feel like either a longer run-time or more eps would've helped the show. Hopefully, they'll have learned from their mistakes in the next season.

#hazbin hotel #long post #hazbin hotel analysis #media criticism #vivziepop #ask answered #ok 2 rb

[justatalkingface]

My problem with MHA

is something I've realized that can be boiled down to one simple fact: Hori doesn't respect his story. Everything else, everything I and others talk about, originate from that one fact, like waves from a boulder dropped into a pond.

It feels to me that Hori is so focused on telling a story that he's lost track of, or interest in, all the parts in the story. So, this may be dipping too much into personal opinion here, but to me, writing a story like this is like you're creating a world, a world inhabited by people, each of which is motivated by their own fears and desires. When it comes to things happening, what a certain character does at any given point, I think writing should exist around the rule of, 'What would this character do in this situation', and yet in MHA, we see instead, 'What does this character need to do to make what I want to happen happen', mixed with what seems to be an uncertain grasp on the 'what I want to happen' even is.

The thing is... the characters aren't real, but for a story to be successfully, they need to be sold to us as if they're real. Hori can't just point and say, 'This is a bunch of artistically arranged black ink', he has to say, 'Meet Izuku. He's in junior high. He wants to be a hero. He likes helping people and All Might, and cries maybe a smidgen too much, but he really means well'.

We can't just look at his pretty pictures, we have to have a connection to the characters, we have to feel for them, like they're real.

And for that to work, they have to treated like they're people, with desires and impulses of their own, otherwise that connection with them, that thing that's so essential for keeping an audience, isn't going to stick.

Let's go with a super easy example here: Izuku is walking down a street, and he sees a crying child. What does he do?

Does he:

A. Try and comfort the child?

B. Keep walking?

C. Tell them to shut up?

Or, D. Start break dancing because he's filled with the overwhelming desire to go into a career as a background dancer?

...Alright, I don't think I need explain what the correct answer is, but let me ask you this: what if he does, say, B instead? Let's say I'm suddenly a super good artist, and I throw together a chapter where Izuku ignores a crying child as he walks down the road.

Wouldn't that feel weird?

Because that's the thing; it's very clear what Izuku would do in this situation, to the point where it's in his DNA as a character, but if I write it out where he doesn't do what Izuku, as a person, would do, it'll feel off. It's out of character, and out of character behavior is dangerous if you want to have a good story. It can be managed, but if you over do it... well. There's a reason there's a BNHA critical tag.

Like, it can be done well, but there needs to be a reason, is the thing. Let's say that chapter I made continues and suddenly we learn that Izuku was just informed his mom has cancer. That would explain why he's acting different than usual, except he's still being treated as a person, in that he's reacting to something that's happening, an extreme event that's altering his life, and that's the reason why he's not acting like he normally would.

So. Let's apply that logic again.... how about this? Why is Hawks OK with Endeavour abusing his children?

Not, why is he working with Endeavour, because he canonly does things he doesn't want to for what he thinks is the greater good, but why is he OK with it? Why isn't he upset? Why isn't he disappointed that Endeavour, a hero, his hero, the very symbol of hope that kept him going through a childhood an abusive father, is himself an abusive father?

What is the reason, here?

*looks around as crickets echo*

...Nothing? Yeah. There is no reason that we can tell that he should be this overwhelmingly positive about the situation, and yet that is what we have. Hawks, the character, isn't acting like Hawks, the person.

Like I said, this goes back to just about every problem you can have with this story:

Why is Momo, a genius with an OP Quirk so seemingly useless?

Why does everyone just laugh off Bakugou when he treats them like shit?

Why is All Might so stupid when he's a grown ass man who has lived on his own for his entire adult life, isolated from literally everyone, and yet is also wildly successful in his chosen career?

Why doesn't anyone seem angry about Endeavour?

Hell, this logic even applies to the setting:

MHA is set in a society where a major part of the social contract is built off the idea that people can't be trusted to use their Quirks, but they also don't have to, because heroes are there. Every major problem is dealt with by heroes, citizen, so don't sweat the hard stuff and go about your day; the way their society continues is built off an unrealistic and impossible faith in a bunch of people who are being incentivized to act in increasingly mercenary ways, yet it's made clear to us that the average person still thinks everything is fine, and so they continue to be blinded to reality by lifelong propaganda and a social system that will harshly punish those who stir up a fuss by labeling them 'villains', officially or otherwise. The problem being, of course, that that set up is doomed to fail, and by the time of the War Arc, trust in heroes is dropping.... and then thousands of people die as the heroes take an enormous loss in actually achieving their main goals, publicly. With video evidence, to boot. Shigaraki and Co ride off in the sunset and leave the image that everything is going to be OK in ruins behind them.

That fundamental part of the social contract is falling apart, the blinders are falling off, and people are losing trust. So, in that atmosphere, how do people react to the idea that their new Number One Hero made one of the biggest villains around, both in a literal and metaphorical sense? A few angry press conferences? Some angry mobs everyone treats as stupid and pointless?

Or... something more, perhaps? Because that's the thing, with Dabi's plan: it's simple yet effective in that he says, 'Society is a lie', and then he slaps everyone with enough truth that no one can ignore him.

Forget mobs; why in the fuck is the Todoroki's house still standing? Why aren't people throwing things at Endeavour when he walks by them in the streets? Why aren't Dabi's victims suing him for what his son has done? Endeavour is the Number One Hero, he is the symbol of everything 'right' in society, and that fact that symbol is rotten to the core is brushed over in the story.

Doesn't that seem weird? There should be entire arcs on the fallout of this alone, because MHA Japan at that point should be filled with a lot of very scared, very angry, very unhappy people, who are primed to act irrationally and take out their frustrations on anyone they think is responsible for it, and the people in charge are handling their valid concerns... poorly.

*looks at Enji 'Watch Me' Todoroki meaningfully*

It's like that because Hori doesn't respect his world enough to treat it realistically.

And look, I get that he needs to keep writing, and he needs to keep on track, even if he realizes the story would diverge from his plan if he just let things progress organically (even if MHA has some real signs of having been changed once or twice in new, forced directions in it), but what he's been doing all this time is sacrificing his characters to tell his story, not just once or twice but all the time. And the thing is? The characters are how he can tell that story, they are the foundation the story is built off of; if he undermines his characters, then he is undermining his story.

#bnha critical #mha critical #i don't even know what to tag this as #writing critique? #i hope some random outsider doesn't wander in this super specific fandom rant if i use that tag #they wouldn't know what horrors they're getting into

[johnny1note]

I've been gone b/c I gave up tumblr for lent but I need to vent

My friend, we'll call her Wendy, runs a book club that I've been in for several years. There's another girl, we'll call her Lisa, who's a bit...abrasive, she speaks her mind and has a snarky sense of humor. Usually I brush this off as an amusing quirk but I have occasionally been offended by things that Lisa says about me or others in the group, as I see them as arrogant/mocking/critical/judgmental/just plain rude.

With our current book this sort of remark from Lisa has been increasing in frequency, or maybe just bothering me more. At this week's session I entered Wendy's house mired in the dread of "oh no...what is Lisa going to say that will upset me?" and almost immediately Lisa condemned the others' conversation at the time as "the most boring she'd ever heard". I snapped back at her with "well nobody asked you to participate in it" but I'm not even sure if she or anyone else heard me as my voice is low and nobody seemed to react or register that I said that.

Perhaps she did hear me, because she got me back later in the evening. We were discussing the book's narrative style, and I was animatedly expressing my opinion that I wished the author had provided more context about his personal life, which several other group members seemed to share, and Lisa decides to say [in what I see as her most condescending manner] "well John I feel like you have a criticism like that of every book we read, do with that what you want"

This upset me so much that I left the room so I could go cry in the bathroom and stop myself from making a scene by verbally swiping back again or leaving early. I held it together for about half an hour before I cried all the way home.

My friend (we'll call him Bob) could tell that I was upset as he texted me later saying that he wanted me to know how much he appreciated my contributions to the discussion, and that he also wasn't crazy about the style of the book and that he would be upset if Lisa said what she said to me to him.

This was nice to hear from Bob, but I'm still at a point where I don't even want to go to book club for the remaining weeks. I anticipate that Lisa will ruin my good time again and I'll be too scared to actually say anything in the discussion for fear that Lisa will shut it down or make me feel bad about it.

If I decline to go I feel like I'd also have to tell Wendy why I'm not coming back to book club at her house; she would be certain to ask and we are close enough friends that I think I owe her the truth, but I also don't want to put a hostess in the middle of a dispute between two guests/friends.

I can't decide what to do, if I go back I don't know how I'm going to cope with Lisa's barbs in the future as I know swiping back is wrong [and would make everything worse] but absorbing them in silence isn't working either. It's awful because Wendy is really very lovely and I usually have so much fun at her book clubs :(

[ae-neon]

you mocking feyre for not being able to read is tearing her down for something she can't control.

you say she's barely an adult, but she's twenty years old. you're taking a horrific tragedy that affects 12 million (according to my government's statistics) girls under eighteen are forced into every year and using it to shit on a fictional couple you don't like.

as for the breeding cow and lapdog comments, i seem to have mistaken you for someone else, and if that is the case i apologize.

also addressing the illiterate fans thing, even if i was just an irate nesta anti, you are not a person who's opinion i care about.

all this to say something very simple: the words you use matter. the negative connotation you speak about feyre with (belittling her for her life experience, choice of partner, using housewife as a negative word) matter. there is misogyny in the way you speak, whether you see it or not.

so while yes you absolutely can speak on the misogyny in fandom, you should do it with the open caveat and knowledge that you have several times spoken with misogynistic language. and unfortunately, that language you use does in fact make you less credible within the overall conversation.

"Belittling her for her life choices" why do you keep confusing me with other people? Or are you just making general accusations again?

Telling me to shut up about the misogyny in these books because I'm not cheering the main character's every decision is not the feminist move you think it is

Firstly, feminism is not putting every woman or every action by a woman on a pedestal. Some women are complicit in not just upholding systems of oppression but benefiting from them.

Let's take Feyre for example

Since you obviously know nothing about me: I have said Feyre has every right to stand up for herself, that she has no obligations towards Nesta, that she is a strategic thinker etc

I have also said she has narcissistic tendencies and makes stupid decisions and that she's unsuited to the position of HL - partly because of her lack of education

That last thing is probably the one that got you red in the face but ask yourself why only the criticism is counted as belittling her life choices?

I am not mocking Feyre for being unable to read something she can't control but then rejects the offer Tamlin makes to teach her?( I mocked a stan for using the first few chapters of acotar to call Nesta lazy when in those chapters she chops wood twice)

When I point out Feyre's illiteracy, it is mostly to point out how sjm put no effort into developing the character or showing us how Feyre is suddenly qualified for the highest administrative seat and power over others lives. She - like the rest of the nepotism gang and their greasy king - uphold and benefit off of the labour and oppression of others.

I live in a country where unqualified and corrupt people - including the wives and girlfriends of important men - use nepotism to benefit themselves so excuse me for not being happy for her

Also I don't think I ever used the term housewife in a negative connotation??? - again not sure where this is coming from since I and many other people have actually pointed out how the elder Archerons domestic work in the cabin years is devalued (again, because this book and it's fans tend to be misogynistic)

Now about the child bride thing.

First, I want to explain in the simplest terms possible : removing context and intention from what is said in order to make it seem like meaning can only be derived from the words themselves is not only an obtuse and disingenuous act, it's also an act rooted in racism and misogyny.

I don't have the energy to get into it but for example, certain cultures have practices not rooted in misogyny but rooted in gender. If someone from that culture says "women don't play this instrument and men don't wear black" and you swoop in to tell them they are sexist, are you not being racist and ethnocentric? Context matters.

"cunt" is a word rooted in misogyny but you're not gonna accuse someone of being a misogynist for using it are you?? Sometimes it's not even meant to be an insult, sometimes it's an aesthetic praise, "she got a buzzcut and dyed it green, that with the sock boots, ugh, she looks so cunty"

Sorry for literally having to teach you but with that can you understand that when I say Feyre is a child bride - the context pertains to the fictional book I'm addressing???

I am not talking about 12 year old girls in arranged marriages. I am talking about a fictional character in a book that was sold to teenagers and told them that the kidnapper groom was the "feminist king"

You, suddenly using the very real issue of child sex trafficking and how many girls are affected in your country, as a shield for Feysand of all ships is the act of insanity.

Which do you think adds more to the issue : me saying child bride or sjm writing a book for kids where a 19yo gets kidnapped and then marries her kidnapper?

Maybe the word gets a reaction out of you cause you're finally confronted with the horror of the situation? Idk and idc

Secondly, I don't appreciate this attempt at tone policing. (Another thing you do thats rooted in misogyny and racism - guess you're less credible now or something?)

You don't have to like the way I say things for them to be considered worth anything. Your understanding is not the standard I have to adjust myself to.

The kicker here is that I have said, more than once, I am not an unbiased source of information or content nor have I ever claimed to be

So on every level of this attempt to bash me, you have failed to bring anything worthwhile to the table.

You can just disagree with me because you like Feysand, I'm literally not gonna judge you but you don't have to do Olympics level mental gymnastics to try find some way to discredit my posts. (Which again are just half-joking rants on my personal blog)

#anon asks #anti sjm #all of this is her fault #anti dumb bitches

[pommunist]

(Désolée pour le pavé, j'avais plus de choses à dire que je pensais)

I mean, I understand that the long anon wants to trust Q and the QSMP, because I truly think that we ALL want it to get better.

But I think our vision for "making things right" is just different.

Anon seems mostly focused on the people who are still in the project and how they're changing it for the better (i assume, for future employees) , while we tend to focus on the people who were kicked out and were never contacted again.

Us pointing out that the ex admins have been ghosted for 2 months is not "detail chasing" or "talking about past mistreatment" It's literally ongoing. And it is still mistreatment.

Maybe not everyone sees it that way, I guess. I'm sure some people think they're being impatient, or they don't deserve to be talked to because they're not in the project anymore, or even consider the ex employees newfound "fame" to be at their advantage, somehow. But even so, it doesn't change the fact that none of the whistle-blowers have seen any steps taken to compensate them, or even hear them, for the months of free labor and abuse. At least, as of now.

After all, the only promise Quackity made is that he'll make things right for the people working in Qstudio in the future. So far, he said nothing about the ex employees except vagueposting about "people who want to destroy the project".

We're allowed to be skeptic and even critical about how this is all handled. And we're allowed to express said skepticism online, where we can interact with others about it. Just like anon is allowed to express their support and trust in QStudio.

The problem comes, as usual, from parasocials of all extremes sending hate to everyone involved. And I do agree that this whole thing being public is mostly to blame for that.

I do think it's too bad that it didn't happen privately, but now, it's out, and the silver lining is that it allowed other ex employees to make their mistreatment heard without feeling like they're insane for it. After all, it's been months, and only now do we hear anything. It shows that the mental pressure to "dont talk to any of your colleagues and lay low or else" really stopped people from facing their abuse with the gravity it deserved.

And honestly, seeing how they're handling it rn, I doubt that Qstudio would have taken the right steps if it had been done 100% privately.

Like, maybe we're missing some legal context here, but why did Qstudio not explicitly ask for the ex-employees' testimonies yet? Even now, with a literal union repeatedly advising them to do so, they're not doing it.

They could make a separate email adress, share it privately to all ex employees and let them send their testimonies there. They dont have to acknowledge everything immediately. They dont have to say "we will solve this in one week". But ghosting such a large chunk of the people who made your project work and only allowing them to either completely shut up or go public is... a choice. So yeah, maybe going public was necessary for them to be heard. Idk. I'm just hoping things will get better soon on that front.

Agree with everything here so not much to add except maybe :

Really I think a lot of people are looking at it like : it’s okay things will be better starting now ! While forgetting that everything that happened before still need to be adresses and solved. Not even an opinion, as this can very well be a legal matter and a serious one at that. Can’t just go "oops sorry you guys were mistreated…Anyway we’ll move on without you towards better things" that’s not how it works 😵‍💫

And for the "it should have happened privately" argument I can’t anymore because yes, ideally this is how it would have gone down. But that’s not how it went, let’s move on and more importantly let’s not blame people who talked about it, as they would have been within their right to do so even if it was done with the primary intent to expose everything. Also "it should’ve blablabla" well Qstudios should have gotten their shit together from day one and yet ! What ifs will get us nowhere.

(Et t’inquiète pour le pavé, on a vu pire ici 😭)

#just le meme du screen snap avec écrit « ohlala il en avait des choses à dire il débit il veut pas s’arrêter 😂😂 #c’est la ligne édito de ce blog

[fondcrimes]

hii u posted about poetry recently and mentioned the difficulty in finding a good poem, and specifically that you think the issue is pedagogical—i’d be so curious to hear more of your thoughts about where current(?) pedagogy might be insufficient and/or just your thoughts about contemporary poetry more broadly! no worries if you’d prefer not to though! 🫶

helloooo I would love to elaborate abt my post! thanks for asking (apologies if it gets super long though) I'm gonna break my response down into separate parts so I can better explain my perspective

I will preface this by saying I know I'm usually being haterish when I criticize the writing world in general. I understand I won't like everyone's writing and that doesn't take away from the value of a piece, but my somewhat uncharitable POV stems from my ongoing observation of writing trends and marketability (which is why we have colloquialisms like ig poetry, tumblr poetry, booktok etc). writing trends are not inherently shallow or reductive, however, we as both creators and consumers can observe how trying to sell writing produces specific "brands" of writers. the categorization of contemporary writing, to some extent, will always about marketability and branding, and then we know that digestible and palatable writing sells. it sells a whole lot! and that's not inherently bad either because that's entertainment, sometimes you just wanna read some bullshit. additionally, I don't see the value of discouraging people from reading when it's something I'm very passionate about and more people need to be reading anyway. I could talk about this in great length too but my main beef is with the over-saturation of "palatable" writing, writing that is marketed in a specific way that caters to the consumer rather than engaging an audience and provoking our curiosity and wonder. my main beef is that it creates a type of reader/consumer who is stagnant and not intellectually engaged. I think we're all too familiar with the sort of people who are more concerned with the marketable aesthetics of reading/intellectualism rather than actually using their brain *cough* booktok *cough* but the scope is much wider. I would say that neoliberal politics necessitate this mindset/level of literacy in order to function but that's such a loaded statement kgfkgjf anyway moving on~

in order to understand why people like shitty poetry, I have to understand why people like shitty writing and also why shitty writing exists in such great amounts. I kept going back to elementary school, where we made first contact with writing and reading interpretatively. underpaid overworked teachers already have it hard enough, I don't blame them for not being able to spark the joy of reading in every child they encounter. literacy is unbelievably complex and capitalism is like blood in the water. it’s also bad enough that kids are actively learning how to put themselves into like social boxes while their developing skills are placed into boxes of their own like gifted, advanced, remedial, etc. all that shit gets internalized too. when I refer to the "intellectual", I am speaking from the belief that each person has the potential to embody intellect, rather than adhere to a deluded elitist view of gatekeeping intelligence. I want readers to engage their intellectual selves because we're living in a cultural moment where it seems like nobody is using their brains anymore, nobody is thinking critically, and that's bc it's easy to shut your brain off. it dawned on me that if a child could be dissuaded from reading entirely due to bad experiences/treatment, a child could also be dissuaded from building analytical or evaluative skills of what they're reading. there are so many college students who can read but want to use chatgpt to write their essays... so many (voting-aged) adults who can read but consistently make bad-faith interpretations of tweets, articles, books, etc. I won't get into the marxism of it all but it goes back to the capitalist state, we need to be literate enough to work and participate in bureaucracy and get married and raise more workers but that's it, it's okay if our literacy stops there and I would argue politicians actually prefer that. but I'm not saying the alternative isn't difficult though... because it's meant to be!

ok so the pedagogy of it all. poetry is notorious for being kind of inaccessible to the common person for a variety of reasons but I'll focus on the fact that we're conditioned to prioritize convenience or become "lazy" readers. I didn't really know how pervasive this notion was until I was listening to ada limón talk about how people will straight up say they don't like poetry. she was talking about how really has more to do with how it's taught rather than what it is. I also reconsidered my own relationship with poetry as a form. I have the typical writer predisposition: my favorite book growing up was the giving tree, I wrote sad gay poems in high school and obviously I was a teenaged fangirl during the peak tumblr web weaving era. but I didn't think about poetry too deeply until a few years ago (during quarantine-ish) I decided I wanted to start writing seriously again after a series of depressive episodes and found my way back to contemporary poetry. I should say I'm veryyy biased and prefer studying modern poetry but I know a few things about that old greek shit too lol. I read poems I instantly really loved, but some poems even by the same poets fell flat or I straight up disliked, but I didn't know why I had those opinions. so I kind of became really obsessed with studying my favorite poems on my own, going line by line and figuring out the writing techniques and measuring their effectiveness. (I read a lotttt of writing criticism too)

now that I'm thinking about it, it was very adhd of me to obsessively read and reread short-form writing bc sometimes I simply don't have the attention span for a 20k-word creative nonfiction piece unfortunately lolll.... this was noticeably much more fun, esp compared to reading poetry in school elementary/middle/high school (even though I had enjoyed those classes too). as a teenager of the subversive aesthetic age, I still carried the notion that most poetry was about obfuscating meaning, or like purposefully being vague out of pretentiousness and exclusion. like I get why somebody would find poetry annoying, there's plenty of annoying poetry out there even in the literary world. all of this is to say that reciting poems in school or trying to teach poetry to students in absolutes (like this poem means this, this poem means that) is not conducive to comprehending the form/genre. you can’t achieve poetic understanding or connection to a poem through objectivity or removing yourself and your emotions. a poem is not just static, it’s meant to interact quite intimately with a reader. ada limón describes how transformative it can be leave a poem and come back to it. sometimes, the intimacy has more to do with the state of receptiveness than the text itself. poems are constantly concerned with emotional/somatic information whether you’re reading or writing them. I always explain it to myself in relationship terms, which is why it might feel impossible to build that relationship with something that seems doubly foreign

this doesn’t really stop at elementary school students. as you get older and read more poetry, you start to catch on and see that poets within a movement are effectively doing similar things, and I fear a good amount of poets are doing the same BORING or PREDICTABLE thing. (I will be nice and not name names)

it wasn't until I read a lot of poems that I noticed my favorite poems did the exact opposite.

this is one of my favorite poems everrrrr it made me write poetry bc I just wanted to do everything he did. it has also drastically shaped and informed my taste. so I will try to briefly explain how it has influenced my writing:

Let me begin this time knowing the drumming in my dreams is me inheriting the earth, is morning lighting up the rivers.

there have been weeks in my life where this line "inheriting the earth" played in my head over and over again like a mantra. "inherit" is such a loaded word, culturally and politically. I think I had been enamored by the sheer power of it, esp as a black person who has spent the majority of my life feeling unworthy of existing:

a brown child on a beach at dawn straining to see their future.

I had to sit with that feeling and characterize its meaning. for me, "inheriting the earth" immediately looked like a stampede of horses fearlessly galloping across the plains:

Let me run at break-neck speeds toward sceneries of doubt.

I could say a lot more about this poem, but moving on~

some valuable lessons I learned from being inspired by poetry: kill my pride and obliterate my quest for originality. at this point, I've embraced being a copycat:

because in my noble solitude, I have inherited nothing.

Our heads turned alongside the window, chasing a breakneck road.

I read jackson's poem up and down, left to right, tried to solve it like a rubik's cube. I wanted to turn my love for this poem into data points I could use in my own writing, but I kept hitting a wall. I couldn't shake the feeling I was stalling something inevitable, circling the truth embedded in my writing like an eagle stalking its prey. I considered the strain of the futureless brown child:

objects of my brutal childhood fascination

an instinctive deserter at the finale of my girlhood

one day I stumbled upon this article, the pieces suddenly started to come together:

as a society, we do entirely too much about youth and maintaining youth, so much to the point where the cultural obsession is perverse and the child is neglected. I only say this to offer an alternative, wherein we consider the childhood self not as a means to regain lost "purity" and powerlessness, but to take our power back. I love this article so much; I think it perfectly captures why writers are constantly fighting themselves and their words. it's evident one's learned self-consciousness and uncertainty cause someone to over-explain and impede on the poem. this makes it a matter of emotional fidelity and trust, rather than technical skill or knowledge. if poetry is inaccessible, I think it's only because we have become inaccessible to ourselves. this is what I mean when I say a good poem is "distilled", it has more to do with the clarity of the feeling you're trying to evoke or convey. it requires self-knowledge and making space for yourself to maintain emotional fidelity if that's what you want (ofc you can also evoke vagueness or uncertainty through the clarity of the form). I wondered, how can a creative know what they're doing if they don't know themselves? soon I realized at its core, the writer struggling with words was an issue of trust, on some mary oliver wild geese shit. there is a great deal of trust involved when you let yourself wonder. and sorry it's hard for me not to get all writer-brained and idealistic about this subject so please bear with me when I say I have good news, we can always find the way back to ourselves.

I think poetry should be about trusting the self and others, trust that they won't shatter the fragility of you in their closed hand. good poetry is deep intimacy and touchy-feely shit. learning how to write hurts because you’re also learning how to unlearn. it's extremely hard to teach that in a society that is more concerned with making sure you learn how to become wholly alienated from yourself (I've written extensively about how this damages the creative spirit, I'll save you the rant). in the midst of my poetry renaissance, I developed a schema around poetry in my attempts to write poems that were intimate and personal and powerful. I wanted to read stunning poetry, so I approached every poem like its intent was to pierce my heart. ofc that doesn't have to be your approach, but as someone who somewhat struggled with subtext and implicit messaging as a child, I am super into patterns that help me reach meaning. but I could only develop taste or preference through knowing myself and listening to my creative impulses, letting art and words alter my heart and my mind. it's about all that mushy gushy woo woo therapy shit. it had to be about me regifting myself a sort of agency. the resting state of a poet is precarious and sometimes contradictory. I believe in trust but I still feel the urge to over-explain myself or my thoughts for manyyy reasons. sometimes I don't even fight that urge, but the point remains. in order to teach and understand poetry, you have to know yourself (your intentions, your haunts, your beliefs, etc). in order to trust the reader, we have to trust they know themselves, or at least are willing to learn how to do it.

Reader, I should have married you sooner.

#asks #long post #SORRYYY this is literally an essay #<- guy who is procrastinating on a real essay thats due in 7 hrs #I should actually read up on writing pedagogy lolz

[zoeykallus]

Hunter – Dirty Little Thief 15 – See You Again

Warnings: Angst/Tension/Fluff

_________________

As you might expect, the reunion is a bit tense, for a variety of reasons. You haven't seen the boys for a long time, and Maul is not too enthusiastic about your visitors.

_________________

What Happened Before:

Dirty Little Thief

Part 2 -Fairplay

Part 3- What We Do Not Admit

Part 4 - Provocative

Part 5 - Fighting And Loving

Part 6 - Scorching Hot

Part 7 - Keep It Together

Part 8 - Give Me More

Part 9 - Don’t You Dare

Part 10 - Hurt

Part 11 - Say You Won’t Miss Me

Part 12 - Still A Dirty Little Thief

Part 13 – In The Shadows

Part 14 - Burning Bridges

Part 15 – Under A Red Sun

Part 16 - See You Again

Together with Maul, you watched as the Batch left the Marauder over the ramp and came your way. You couldn't quite believe it yet, although you saw the guys coming your way. You could tell by their posture that they were tense, but not only that. You put out your feelers in the Force and clearly felt that the boys were ready for a fight, that there was worry, determination and a small trace of fear mixed in their energies.

"Your friends are tense," Maul said as the boys drew their weapons.

You frowned and said, "Maybe they think you're a danger to them or me?"

Maul laughed softly, a sound that slithered down your spine, hot and cold.

"My dear, I think your friends know very well who I am, that's why they are so tense".

You looked at him in surprise, but your attention turned back to the boys when you heard Hunter say your name.

They were only a few feet away, still tense. Maul, on the other hand, stood there as if he wasn't worried at all, his hands clasped behind his back. You saw Tech's gaze fall on your lightsaber, which by now you had reattached to your belt. He adjusted his goggles with a thoughtfully furrowed brow.

Finally, you heard him say to Hunter, "The situation doesn't seem hostile to me, I don't think she's here against her will."

"She's not," Maul said quietly.

Echo said somberly, "Appearances can be deceiving."

Maul rolled his eyes and said to you, "I'll leave you alone for a moment, I'm sure you have things to discuss"

As he turned and walked away, the boys looked after him indecisively, only slowly, one by one, they put their weapons away.

"It's good to see you guys," you said softly.

Wrecker pushed the others aside, came up to you, lifted you off your feet and hugged you stormily.

"We missed you, ad'ika!" he rumbled with a laugh.

You couldn't help it, you had to laugh too and returned the hug.

Echo hugged you too, albeit after a brief, shy hesitation, Tech nodded at you with a warm smile and Crosshair gave you a small smirk. Hunter just stood there uncertainly, looking at you.

He said quietly, "We were quite shocked when Tech told us he saw you leave the planet with Maul, we thought you might be his prisoner."

"I'm not, I left with him willingly," you said quietly.

Echo asked indignantly, "Just like that? Without telling us"

With a soft sigh you said, "Hunter has said very clearly that I am no longer welcome with Clone Force 99, that I am not to follow you and to stay away from you"

The boys all looked critically at Hunter, who lowered his head under his brothers' stares.

"I was pissed, rightfully so mind you" he finally said, "I said in anger what I didn't really want to"

You shrugged and said, "I'm not angry about that".

He blinked then looked at his brothers and said, "Give us a moment"

Crosshair growled teasingly, "So we're not going to spank her for leaving?"

"Shut up" Echo growled, pulling him along with him.

When the boys were finally out of earshot, Hunter looked directly at you.

"So you're not mad?"

"No. I was hurt and disappointed. But I've had a lot of time to think, and I certainly understand why you reacted the way you did, you had every right to. I had done something very stupid, reckless."

Hunter sighed softly, scuffed his foot on the dusty, sandy ground and said, "I very much regretted what I said a short time later."

You nodded slowly, you knew he could sense your rapid heartbeat, so you didn't even try to hide it or worry about it. On the contrary, you opened yourself to the Force, reaching out to Hunter and exploring his feelings. What you found only quickened your heartbeat. Hunter felt deep longing reaching out to you, joy, concern, affection. His longing was like an open, bleeding wound, hurting him and expelling energy at the same time.

You withdrew your antennae again, feeling that you had breached his privacy, and a small part of you felt ashamed of it. Looking at him, you realized how much you really missed this handsome man. You missed all about him, his smokey voice, his warmth, his scent, his smile, those dark eyes... everything.

Hunter's eyes fell on the lightsaber on your belt, then his gaze moved back up to your face, seeming surprised.

"Is that on your belt, what I think it is?"

You said with a teasing little smile, "I'm not sure what you think, but if you think it's a lightsaber, you're right."

"Where did you get it? From Maul?" he wanted to know, a slightly critical undertone in his voice.

Patiently, you explained, "No, it's mine. I built it myself."

"But Maul taught you?"

You nodded.

"You know he's a Sith?" asked Hunter, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I'm aware of that" you said sternly, "Is this another one of those times you judge me without knowing the whole story?"

Hunter lowered his arms again with a sigh and said, "I just know that Maul is dangerous, he's probably not who he says he is with you."

You shook your head, "He's never hidden who he is or what he does. I don't condone it, but I learned as much as I could from him, how I apply what I learned is up to me. That's the advantage of being an adult when you train and not being molded into something from childhood."

"Probably," Hunter said.

After a pause, he asked hesitantly, "You and Maul.... are you two... a couple?"

"No. Teacher and student, that's all," you said, and could see Hunter breathe a sigh of relief at your answer.

He nervously stepped from one leg to the other and asked, "Would you maybe want to travel with us again?"

Your heart skipped a beat; you wanted nothing more.

"Her training isn't complete yet," you heard Maul say, approaching from the background, "She's not going anywhere."

Hunter's hand slowly moved to the handle of his blaster.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you" Maul said calmly, "If you really know who I am, then you will realize that"

You put yourself between Hunter and Maul.

"It's my decision if and when I go" you said stubbornly.

Maul looked at you calmly.

"You really want to leave, unfinished business, without opening the holocrons?"

He knew exactly how much you wanted this, but what he didn't count on was your longing to be back with Hunter, with the only family you ever had.

"There are more important things," you said calmly.

Maul narrowed his eyes to angry slits; you could feel his anger vibrating in the Force.

"He turned his back on you, you were so desperate that you were willing to go with a stranger, far away from him, and now you just want to go back to him? Your training is not complete, nor have you received your answers that you so eagerly sought," he growled angrily.

When you didn't answer immediately, he took a deep breath as if trying to collect himself.

Much calmer, he finally said, "Well, you know where to find me."

Hunter growled, "I don't think that matters."

Maul said with a confident smirk, "Oh, I'm quite sure she'll be back. If not for your general inability, then for the unanswered questions that will eventually push their way back to the surface once the initial delightful excitement of your reunion is over."

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@oneshot-one-kill

@moonstrider9904

@photogirl894

@chlorine-claws

@chxpsi

@nunanuggets

@the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond

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@malicemercy

#hunter #hunter fanfic #hunter x reader #bad batch hunter #clone trooper hunter #hunter bad batch #hunter tbb #hunter the bad batch #hunter x you #sergeant hunter #sergeant hunter x reader #sergeant hunter x you #tbb hunter #tbb hunter x reader #the bad batch hunter #echo #wrecker #crosshair #tech #tbb #bad batch #the bad batch #clone force 99 #maul #darth maul

[alj4890]

L-O-V-E Part 2 (Liam x Riley)

A/N The writer's block is killing me. I know how I want this to go but every time I sit to work on it, the words just don't come. So let's try once more with this storyline.

Rating: G for fluff

@gkittylove99 @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @yourmajesty09 @mom2000aggie @ofpixelsandscribbles @twinkleallnight @lodberg  @amandablink @neotericthemis  @mm2305 @sfb123 @tessa-liam @thesvnsins @krsnlove @choicesficwriterscreations

Masterlist

L-O-V-E Part 2

Charlotte's chambers...

"Your highness?"

Charlotte blinked a few times only to realize she had become distracted.

A servant waited on her to finish discussing the plans for dinner this evening.

"Forgive me." Charlotte's nose wrinkled over her thoughts drifting to the young man her sister had brought along. "I believe there will be at least eleven of us this evening. Perhaps we should plan for twelve in case the Duchess of Lythikos decides to make an appearance."

"Very good, your highness." The servant bowed as he backed out of her sitting room.

Charlotte waited until the door was shut before flopping back onto her couch. She stared up at the ceiling, eyes tracing the intricate crown molding, while wondering why she couldn't get Sean off her mind.

Perhaps it is because he is my sister's best friend. That must be why I'm so interested in him. Shouldn't I want to know more about him to make certain he isn't the type to take advantage of her new status and fortune?

Charlotte could only deceive herself for so long. She knew her reasons for fixating upon the young man were simple: she found him very physically attractive.

His dark, nearly black eyes shined with a great deal of intelligence. His smile was warm with a touch of humor. His thick head of ink black hair made her long to run her fingers through it to see if it was as soft it appeared. He wasn't too terribly tall, which made her grateful.

She'd never liked being dwarfed by many of the noblemen and diplomats who regularly visited her father's court. They almost seemed to use their immense size to push whatever agenda they were after upon her petite figure.

They soon realized that though she was soft spoken and genuinely pleasant, she had a backbone of steel that no amount of posturing or arguing could cause her to bend in ways she was opposed to.

Charlotte released a sigh as her imagination drifted once more to what she found appealing in Sean.

She jumped when her phone rang.

"Yes?"

"Hey. It's Sean."

She rolled off the couch at the sound of his voice.

"What was that?" He asked when he heard her hit the floor.

"Nothing!" She winced as she stumbled to her feet. "How may I help you?"

He cleared his throat. "I was wondering, if um, I could go for a walk. Outside."

"Of course!" She replied. "We have many lovely trails throughout the palace grounds."

"Which one is your favorite?" He asked.

"Hmm." Charlotte contemplated that for a few moments. "I think I tend to take the trail that takes me to the apple orchard more often than the others."

"Would you like to go with me?" He asked a touch nervously. "Or if you're too busy, could you at least point it out."

"I'd love to." She replied. "Nothing would make me happier than showing you one of my favorite places."

"Great! I was hoping you would go with me!"

His enthusiastic outburst brought a smile to her face.

Sean cleared his throat. "I will wait here for you since I'm not sure where your room is."

"I'm on my way."

She set her phone down then ran into her bathroom. She stopped in front of the large floor to ceiling mirror to critically take in her face and figure. A slight groan escaped as she tried to decide whether or not to change clothes once again.

Knowing it would take too long to decide on a new outfit to wear, Charlotte swiped up her powder to touch up her makeup. She brushed her hair until it fell in soft golden waves upon her shoulders. While tucking a stray strand behind her ear, she wondered if Sean found her pretty.

Twirling around to make certain that all was as it should be, she practically skipped out of her room.

Perhaps this walk would allow her to find out if this attraction she felt was mutual.

****************

Liam's study, second floor of palace...

Liam glanced up when he heard voices coming down the hall. With a smile forming he got to his feet to greet the group of people who had remained by his side all these years.

Hana entered before Drake and Maxwell. Very little had changed her appearance over the past twenty years. She was still strikingly beautiful, graced with a warm smile that revealed how kind she still was. Her figure made one think it was impossible that she was the mother of three.

Drake's dark hair was sprinkled with gray strands which he swore was from dealing with Maxwell's antics along with now having a teenager of his own.

Maxwell's few wrinkles came from years of laughter and smiling. He still was the same, inside and out, that he'd always been.

"Are they here?" Maxwell asked.

"Yes. They're upstairs resting." Liam asked a servant to bring in refreshments. "And Riley can't wait to see you again."

"I can't believe she's here" Drake remarked. "The night Brooks left, I was sure we'd never see her again."

Hana wiped at the few happy tears that spilled out. "I didn't think we would either."

"And to think that our Blossom went and had a little blossom all on her own." Maxwell shook his head. "That had to be tough on her."

"Did you bring your families with you?" Liam asked.

He was worried that too many people might make Riley and Hope uncomfortable for their first night back.

"No." Hana's smile dimmed some at the mention of family "I told Neville that he should remain at Comery Isle with the children until the night of the ball."

"Candace has to work the night shift at the hospital these next few days." Drake explained about his own spouse. "She'll be off the night of the ball and will come then. Jackson has a big project to work on plus he's got a new girlfriend."

Drake rolled his eyes over Maxwell's catcall.

"He's so wrapped up in her that I doubt he heard me explain the plans we have for this week."

Maxwell grinned when they all turned towards him.

"Sherry's out of town again for a photoshoot." He told them with a hint of pride over his famous photographer of a wife. "She took Annabelle with her to practice with her new camera. They should be back by the ball."

"Good." Liam relaxed some. "I invited Olivia to join us. She said she might come."

He hesitated as he thought of their unusual past. He never understood why Olivia left early the night of the coronation. She'd been in tears and yet she seemed only willing to speak to Riley.

He never found out what had bothered her nor why she remained for the most part in Lythikos. Olivia only came to the capital when it was a direct invitation from Liam. She'd accepted an arranged marriage offer from the late Duke of Domvallier to marry his heir, Rashad.

They had two children, an heir for each of their duchy's, and for the most part lived apart. Rashad's work schedule kept him out of the country for the majority of the year, yet he made certain to spend as much time as he could with his children. He and Olivia got on well together, both having a loyal, determined work ethic, and had been strong supporters of Liam as king and now of Charlotte as future queen.

Liam couldn't help but think how many of them had settled for arranged marriages. He originally thought there was nothing wrong with them. But then, a certain American came along and opened his eyes to possibilities he'd once thought were impossible.

Perhaps they had been. After all, he ended up married to Madeleine. Hana agreed to her parents' decision to match her to Neville Vancouer. Olivia accepted Rashad shortly after Liam married.

It took years for Drake to find someone he could love. One night, shortly after Charlotte was born, he confessed to Liam that he'd fallen in love with Riley. Drake told him how she didn't return his feelings, having fallen for Liam, but that he didn't know if he would ever find someone who could make him feel that strongly again.

When Charlotte was three, she came down with tonsillitis. Candace was the nurse brought in to help care for her during her recovery from surgery. Drake was still living at the palace at the time and the two began to hang out while the little princess slept.

Two years after that, Candace became pregnant. The couple eloped and had settled down on a plot of land Liam had gifted them with. Drake began to raise and train race horses, becoming the most sought-after trainer in Europe.

Maxwell went nearly a decade before meeting someone he could fall head over heels for. He'd become a romance author. His first book was a fictionalized version of Liam and Riley's relationship. He'd made sure to give them the happy ending he'd wished his friends could have had.

After his first novel was turned into a movie, he'd gone on to create an entire Royal Romance series with the cast of characters who eerily resembled those he knew so well. His stories bordered on the line of absurdity with threats from foreign powers if the princess was not put into an arranged marriage along with the fictional king having an unknown sister who was in a secret society that controlled all the powerful people of the world.

Cordonians devoured the books and films that followed.

When HBO offered him a chance to create a series to rival Netflix's The Crown, he not only said yes, but also met his future wife.

Sherry was the one to shoot the photographs from his interview and then those on the set. Her fun loving nature matched his and the two began a love affair that led to marriage and the birth of their own daughter.

Liam wondered though what would have happened to them if Riley had been here. How different would their lives have been if they'd had her friendship and support?

Would they each have different lives or would things have basically worked out the way they had?

As his friends talked about the past, he decided to forget the what ifs in his life and focus on the present and possible future.

"So?" Maxwell nudged him. "You and Riley still have sparks?"

Liam's eyes widened. "I certainly feel them. I'm not certain she does though."

"Ask her out." Drake argued. "You're single. She's single. What have you got to lose?"

"I have a great deal to lose." Liam pointed out. "I want a relationship with Hope like I have with Charlotte. If I ruin things by pushing Riley into a relationship, then chances are that I will ruin them with Hope."

"You can't miss out on love again." Maxwell told him.

Hana nodded, reaching for his hand. "You know what it's like to be in a marriage without love. We both do. Don't lose out on this rare chance."

Liam gently squeezed her hand in understanding. He got to his feet and paced over to the window to look out over the palace grounds. His attention was captured by the sight of Charlotte walking with Sean towards the apple orchard.

His lips curved when the young man stumbled. His daughter stopped him from falling then kept her arm linked with his as they continued on. They both were laughing and gazing at one another as if no one else existed.

He then noticed movement to his right.

Hope and Bartie we're rushing over to the hedge maze. They were holding hands while Bartie pulled her into the entrance. Even from this distance, Liam could see the excited smile upon her face.

He wanted that. He wanted his daughters to find love with two young men he approved of. He wanted to find love again. He wanted Riley to find it too.

But he wanted her to find it with him.

Liam turned back towards the three people he trusted the most.

"I already asked Riley to be my date for the ball."

The hopefulness in their faces made him grimace with what needed to be said.

"She didn't necessarily say no, but she did state that she was a scandalous woman and that she doubted anyone would approve of us being seen together."

The three remained silent.

"Then we'll have a talk with her." Hana decided.

"Playing Cupid is what I'm best at." Maxwell added. "Time to put my skills to work once again."

"If ever there were two people made for one another, it was you and Brooks." Drake said when Hana and Maxwell pointedly looked at him. "We'll convince her to give you a chance."

"Thank you." Liam glanced out the window again. "Hopefully, all will work out like it should."

*******************

The hedge maze...

"So you're a lord?" Hope asked.

"I am Lord Barthelemy Beaumont, heir to the Ramsford duchy." He replied. "Though I prefer to be just Bartie to those I am close to, which drives my father crazy."

She laughed over the face he made.

"I've never met a real life lord before."

"Am I everything you imagined?" He teased.

"Not at all." She squeezed his hand. "You are way more fun than I expected."

"I wish I could say that all of my rank are like this, but sadly I'm the only one." Bartie tugged her down a pathway.

"What about my sister?" Hope asked. "Charlotte is able to be fun while still maintaining her princess decorum."

"That's what I've always loved about Lottie." Bartie replied. "She is exactly what you see." He winked at Hope. "But she's not a lord."

She rolled her eyes with a giggle. "I know that. I meant she's part of your world yet still fun."

"That's why she's been my best friend since childhood." He turned a corner to a spot he thought Hope would find symbolically beautiful.

"I know that's why Sean has been my--"

Hope gasped at the sight of dozens of rose bushes waiting for the chance to bloom.

"Like it?" He asked with a grin.

"It must be beautiful in the spring!"

"Your grandmother planted these." He told her.

"She did?"

"This is the spot where King Constantine proposed to Queen Eleanor. To keep it special, she personally planted every single rose bush. He had that bench and trellis built for them to sneak off too during balls and such."

Hope walked over to it and read the engraved gold plaque.

For my Eleanor and the endless joy she has given me.

"He must have been a romantic." Hope replied.

"I think so too." Bartie joined her on the bench. "Though their time together was short, I believe they were very happy."

"That's all I want out of life." Hope sighed at the thought. "Someone to simply be happy with, share things with, laugh with..."

"Sneak around palaces with?" Bartie added while draping his arm along the back of the bench.

Hope laughed then turned towards him.

"Who wouldn't want someone to sneak around palaces with?" She teased. "That's the foundation to any romantic relationship."

He chuckled, fingers gently brushing her shoulder.

"So that's what makes a relationship romantic?"

Hope's cheeks flared with color. Her eyes though held his.

"Well yeah. Didn't you know that?"

His eyes dropped to her lips. "I mean, I always assumed it was."

"First comes sneaking around," she explained, "then comes the knowledge of what this means."

"And then?" He lowered his head towards hers.

"And then," she licked her lips, head tilting in anticipation, "there's a kiss."

Her eyes closed over the first touch of his lips. The soft kiss made her melt against him. Bartie moved his lips against hers in an achingly slow fashion as if he was savoring every single second.

Hope tangled her fingers in his hair when he deepened the kiss.

It was, she decided before all ability to think fled her, the most romantic kiss she'd ever received.

*******************

Riley's room...

After waking from a much needed nap, Riley took a shower. As she went through the typical motions of drying her hair and such, it hit her that not only was she in the same spot she was twenty years ago but that the man she'd fallen head over heels for was once again asking her out.

And just like that young woman she once was, she was highly tempted to say yes to his escort to the ball.

"I guess I've never really grown up." She said to her reflection.

It didn't matter that she'd gone on to raise a child of her own or that she was a successful woman who had managed to have a career and family all by herself.

There was simply something about Liam that made all her common sense disappear.

Logically, she knew she should not encourage anything with him. Her past would be held against her. She'd been photographed in her underwear with another man. That alone would be a source of contempt regardless of whether or not she'd had the reigning monarch's child.

She could only imagine the media blitz that would strike the moment she entered the ballroom with Liam.

Riley couldn't do that to Hope. She wanted her to have a peaceful existence here. She knew there would be whispers and whatnot about her previous visit to Cordonia, but she believed that the people would focus on getting to know their new princess more so than on her mother's past.

As long as nothing scandalous occurred, Hope would be welcomed with open arms.

The only way to ensure that Riley was not caught in anything questionable, was to not do anything to draw attention to herself.

Like going on a date with the king.

With a loud groan, she slipped her shoes on and left the comfort of her room.

If she could manage to get through dinner without any more temptation, then her first night back in Cordonia would be a success.

I can do this, she thought to herself. "No matter what, I'll just steer clear of Liam.

*****************

"Your grace," a servant bowed as he held the door open.

Olivia gave a short nod as she walked through the front door of the palace. Her attention was immediately drawn to the woman hurrying down the stairs.

Riley looked up and came to a halt at the sight of the duchess she'd once competed with.

Smiles dawned on both their faces as they walked over to greet the other.

"It's good to see you again." Olivia suffered through Riley's impulsive hug.

"And you." Riley stepped back, shaking her head in disbelief. "How did you manage to not age like the rest of us?"

Olivia smirked, linking her arm with Riley's, as they followed a footman toward the dining room.

"The air in Lythikos freezes more than water."

Riley laughed, feeling her earlier tension lessen. "I need to visit. Time is trying to march across my face every night."

"You should. You and your daughter will always be welcome." Olivia replied.

Riley gently squeezed her arm. "Thank you."

Olivia truly meant her invitation. Though she was cold and distant to most of the people from her past, she couldn't be with Riley. For over twenty years, Riley had kept her family's secret. She could have sold it to the press for money, especially when she discovered she was pregnant. Yet, Riley had proven that she was truly a friend, one that the duchess could let her guard down somewhat.

And for that, Olivia would remain loyal to her and her daughter.

The two stepped into the dining room, causing the conversations to abruptly stop.

Before Riley could say a word of greeting, she was snatched up in multiple hugs from Maxwell and Hana. Even Drake gave her a brief hug.

While the four talked over one another, Liam edged around them to be able to speak to Olivia.

"I'm glad you decided to come." He pressed a kiss to her hand. "It's been a long time since your last visit to the palace."

Olivia lowered her eyes. "I know. How is Charlotte?"

"She is in alt over having Hope here. I can't wait for you to see them together."

"Are they not joining us for dinner?" She asked.

"They are supposed to." He checked the time. "It isn't like Charlotte to be late."

Riley overheard him as she talked to Bertrand and Savannah. "Sadly it is for Hope."

At that moment the two girls rushed in with shy smiles for everyone.

The two young men following at their heels also had apologies at the ready for their tardiness.

Liam waived those away with assurances that it didn't matter. He then stood between his two daughters and proudly introduced Hope to his friends and Regina.

Exclamations followed on how much she looked like Riley had all those years ago. Then everyone began to ask her questions about her studies, her hobbies, and anything else that came to mind.

Hope's nerves lessened with having Charlotte and her father practically beaming with delight in having her there. Their kindness and acceptance was still such a shock to her. She didn't know how she'd ended up so lucky to have such people as family.

Her mother sat not too far away and smiled encouragingly at her while helping her answer some of the questions. She didn't know what she would have done without her mother always there as her biggest champion.

Sean too explained their years growing up and what kind of child Hope had been. He made everyone laugh with many of the stories of their adventures around New York. Hope also noticed that he made certain to make Charlotte laugh as much as he could. His eyes always drifted back to the crown princess. Hope couldn't be more pleased with this new development.

Hope also had a new, unexpected champion sitting beside her. Bartie slipped his hand discreetly into hers under the table each time a question was asked. His fingers twined with hers, letting her know she wasn't alone.

As the dinner went on, Hope relaxed and thought she might be able to hold up well talking to more people in her father and sister's world. At least she hoped that would be the case.

She honestly was terrified of the upcoming ball.

#choices trr #the royal romance #trr #choices #liam x riley #trr maxwell #trr drake #trr hanna #trr olivia #choices the royal romance #choices the stories we play #choices fic writers creations

[shelbystales]

Unhealed Love - Part Four

Tommy Shelby x Reader - Masterlist

Read previous parts: 1 - 2 - 3

Summary: You and Tommy have history… a long one but to cut the story short he pushed you away, shut you out of his life without giving you a chance to try another path… a path together, but you felt so angry at him that you didn’t want to try it either. Maybe it was better this way… more than ten years passed and you thought you’d had your time to heal but one day was all it took to destroy that idea of getting over Tommy Shelby.

Warning: Season 6 spoilers, swearing, angst, murder, anxiety.

A/N: comment and interact, tell me what you think! it means a looot thank you very much

English is my second language so I apologize in advance for the grammar mistakes

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

You played a few other shows after your last meeting with Thomas. luckily for you, you didn't see him in any of them but it didn't stop you from anxiously wondering if you would ever see him or if he would ever come again. not understanding whether it was a desire or a fear you felt, although it could easily be both.

you were rehearsing with your band after deciding to change a few things, adding a cello here and a piano solo there... little things that would make a difference and also take your mind off Thomas.

For the first time in a while, you were feeling good, feeling inspired again. you even started writing some new songs. None of them are good enough for you yet, but you were working on them in hopes of improving. trying to not be too critical and cruel to yourself, allowing yourself to take it easy as you deserved it after so much.

Oswald had invited you to dinner at his house today. a business dinner, he said. he asked you to prepare to sing a song or two with a piano solo, so you already knew it was going to be a busy dinner. probably all your opponents and allies in parliament would be there as this week was hectic in politics, much being decided about the future. you knew he had a number of measures that he wanted to get passed by parliament that you gathered from the parties you went to, maybe he wants to get them approved or something

you arrived at his house before everyone, as he requested. you had been here before, his house looked like a castle.

"Hello, miss. I'm glad you're here" he said appearing through one of the doors that led to the hall.

"Goodnight, Mr. Oswald. Happy to be here" you said with a smile.

"Let's see about that, darling. I have a request for you" he said and called you to follow him with his hands. walking through the immensity of his house, you arrived in what seemed to be his office "close the door, please" he said sitting in his chair.

"Everything is fine?" you asked worriedly, feeling like you'd been called to the boss's office after you did something wrong.

"Yes. It's all good. I just need your help with something. Whiskey?" he asked serving himself. you shook your head and you sat down in the chair opposite him.

"Where is Miss Diana?" you asked now realizing her absence

"Getting ready" he replied and took a deep breath "now, politics y/n. Sometimes we need to do something we're not proud of," he said and you frowned "tonight I'll have to do something I'm not proud of, but it's necessary for the good of our nation. And I need your help"

"As long as you're not asking me to kill someone," you said jokingly, but the seriousness in his eyes made you shudder "Mr. Oswald... I hope you're joking"

"No jokes darling. It's a necessity. This man for the last few months has been delaying all my requests for parliament. He is against progress, he wants to destroy us" he said and you could hear the hate in Mosley's voice

"No. I'm sorry" you said getting up

"Sit down. I'm not asking," he snapped. You sat, feeling the urge to vomit in your throat. "you're not going to kill him. you're just going to put it in his drink" he said handing you a bag with a white powder of some kind "and this will kill him"

"What if I don't?" you asked

"I would assume you don't agree with me Miss. y/n," he said getting up and walking towards you "Don't you? tell me, have I done something you didn't like since you arrived? since you started working with us" he leaned in your chair and bent over until his face was within a meter of yours, you could smell his aftershave making you gasp for air "we are people who love our country so much we would kill for it. we would kill everyone who stopped it from growing and thriving. got it?" you swallowed and nodded "good" he took your hand and placed the bag in it "I'll introduce you two when the time is right. Do what you have to do but don't let him die alone, it has to be in public. the poison takes around 10 minutes to kick in" he started to walk towards the door but he stopped and looked at you "ah and don't get caught. there's nothing I can do for you if you get caught" he left the room

you could feel your heart pounding against your chest. Looking at the bag in your hand you took a deep breath and tucked it into your bra.

you looked straight ahead at the bottle of whiskey you poured yourself a glass and drank it, wondering what you had gotten yourself into.

The guests arrived a little later. you tried to be nice and keep small talk with them, but you felt weak. You saw Tommy walking with Lizzie at times, but you always walked in the opposite direction. keeping as far away as possible, but all you wanted to do was to run to him and ask for help. 

Dinner was served, and you sang two lovely songs before handing the piano over to a random pianist hired to provide background music.

"Well that was beautiful," a man said approaching Mosley and Diana

"she continues to impress us," Diana said with a smile and hugged you "hi, dear"

"Hey, and thank you. very much" you said politely

"Y/n, this is Mr. Smith, this is the man I told you about earlier," he said and at that moment your heart sped up

"Oh, Mosley. I hope they were good things. I know we don't quite agree in some matters, but belittling myself to a woman like Miss. y/n wouldn't be fair," he said in a playful tone. he looked like a good man

"you don't have to worry about that. Mr. Mosley told me wonderful things about you Mr. Smith," you said smiling and he smiled back.

Mosley and Diana left with the excuse of needing to speak to the press. leaving you and the man alone. 

You knew what needed to be done and it was tormenting you. You held a conversation with him, he flirted with you, and you flirted back, allowing him to become even more interested in you. 

He seemed like a good man and he spoke with such pride and respect for his track record in parliament. He had done some incredible things for people in London, helped them, fought for women... you felt more guilty by the hour and you were sure if he went on telling you this you wouldn't be able to do what Mosley asked you to do.

"Oh, look at that your glass is empty," you said interrupting him "please let me take care of it" you leaned over to take his glass and he nodded "I'll be right back, don't leave here. I want to hear more about it," you said with a smile and left.

in the kitchen, hidden from everyone, you took the powder and poured it into the glass, along with the whiskey. Coming back to the living room the man was talking to the one you fought to avoid all night.

"Here Mr. Smith," you said handing him the glass "hello Mister Shelby, Hi Lizzie" you greeted them

"Thank you, I thought you ran away," he said jokingly

"I would never" you replied smiling and watching as he took a sip from his glass, nervous, afraid he might feel something wrong, a wrong taste, but nothing. he continued drinking normally.

 "The music, y/n. was beautiful," Lizzie said "I remember when you played in the garrison with that old piano and missing its keys," she said smiling making you smile

"and I don't miss it," you said

"I have to admit it sounds better on a new piano," she said, "well I was just leaving. I hate these events. good luck" she hugged you "have a good night everyone" without a direct goodbye to Thomas she left.

"Trouble in paradise, Mister Shelby?" Smith asked jokingly

"It's nothing," he said and the two of them started talking about politics.

Ever since Oswald told you what you needed to do for him tonight you've felt your stomach churn. the amount of alcohol you were ingesting just added to that feeling.

"Are you ok miss? got quiet all of a sudden" Smith said and you nodded

"I'm fine, just a bit tired," you said smiling

"yeah they've been putting you to work, almost every day now. I bet it can be exhaustive," he said referring to Mosley and his fiancée

"I don't care. It's good to be back, new beginnings" you said

"yeah, new beginnings are always good. for new beginnings," he said raising his glass and inviting you both for a toast.

"to new beginnings" you and Thomas spoke simultaneously and toasted.

you didn't expect the man to drink all the content in his glass after the toast and when he did you wanted to stick your hand down his throat making him vomit. 

Your heart raced, the hall suddenly seemed small and your lungs couldn't seem to fill with air. already familiar with your symptoms of a panic attack you spoke with some difficulty

"if you'll excuse me I need to go to the bathroom," you said and left before receiving an answer.

in the bathroom, you threw up everything in your stomach and sat on the floor hugging your legs hoping this would all pass soon. for this all to end.

you could hear the commotion outside, some women screamed and you assumed it was done.

You got up from the bathroom floor and wet your neck to calm down. In the mirror you saw how shaken you looked, you needed to get out of that house.

Opening the door you saw the confusion that was happening as people tried to help the fallen man. Mosley was one of them. It all seemed to go by in slow motion. Thomas was doing a heart massage on the man, trying to revive him. for a tiny second he looked at you and frowned as if he had read your mind.

Ignoring everything, you kept walking and asked the chauffeur to bring your car.

later that day you were in the living room reading. you couldn't sleep. just as you took a sip of your tea, you heard a knock on your door.

Standing up you opened it and saw Tommy Shelby himself.

"Oswald told you?" you asked and he shook his head

"I saw it in your eyes," he said

Taking a deep breath, you stepped out of the front door and let him in. Several years ago you killed a man for Tommy, but it wasn't like that, it was a millisecond decision that would decide he would either live or die. after that, he felt guilty for putting you in that position and never allowed you to enter a business meeting again. Killing a man broke you a little, you barely slept for weeks but he was there with you.

"Do you want tea?" you asked sitting in your seat again and he shook his head.

"Why? Why did you do that?" he asked

"He said I would be in the way of making our country great and he would kill anyone who did that. I didn't feel like I had any other options available" you said

"Stop… stop working for him," he said crouching down in front of her.

"Do you honestly think I could do that now?" you asked "now that he showed me his true colors? I would you be the next smith. anyways, thanks for the concern or whatever it is that brings you here, but you can go home. go stay with your wife. she deserves better than to sleep alone"

"I know she does," he said "she knows, about you and me. She is leaving," he said "used you as an excuse to leave but I know she has been wanting to leave for years"

"Ok, then you can go home to an empty house," you said "I too deserve better"

he sighed "yeah" and got up "but I'm not leaving" he sat down in the armchair on your diagonal and lit a cigarette

"why?" you asked

"it's not easy to kill a man, Y/n. I remember what did to you" he replied, "why don't you tell me now, what scared you off the stage?"

you frowned confused "why don't you tell me why you left me?"

"no, you were the one who left" he fell out

"Because you broke my fucking heart!" you said annoyed "why?"

he looked around, took a deep breath, and thought about how to respond.

"you said it yourself. you deserve better" he replied

"fuck you, that's not what I want. I want the truth"

"you want the truth, eh?" he asked leaning forward and resting his two elbows on his legs "I was scared" he admitted, making you laugh "it's not a joke"

"yeah? so you really want me to believe you were scared? Of fucking what?" you asked sarcastically

"Losing you for good" he replied

"so you broke my heart after we moved in together? smart, that would make me stay for sure" you scoffed

"blame me all you want but I would rather not have you than be the reason you got killed," he said

"What aren't you telling me?" you asked and he looked around for a while, reluctant to tell you.

"I just... we got lucky. I never told you, but there was a bomb that didn't go off."

"Where?"

"our house. Do you remember how it was back then when we started expanding into London? It was very dangerous, we fought a lot and Sabini made a bomb. you would pay the price for my interference. He told me while I was in his office, here in London. I had to drive all the way home like a mad man, all the way thinking you were dead and it was my fault. So I thought no, I couldn't do it. Later I found the bomb, it was wired wrong so it didn't explode"

"so you just cut me off instead of improving our security?"

"I couldn't allow that to happen to you"

"You did a lot worse, you took my voice in the matter! Tommy, I was a wreck after that!"

"I don't regret it, ey. Look at Grace" he said "it could have been you"

"Oh, don't you dare use her as an example. You know I despise her" you said angrily "besides you chose to give her a chance and not me. It was nice to read about your marriage in the newspaper"

"I never meant to hurt you," he said rubbing his tired eyes

"You never mean anything, do you?" you asked impatiently

"Grace calmed and soothed me after you left. I needed someone you weren't the only one in pain you know," he admitted.

"Yes, thanks to whom?"

"I get it okay? I made a bad decision, but I stand by it, y/n. I didn't care if I died or lived, but if anything happened to you and it was me fault? I lost Grace and it broke me." But fuck if it was you taking that bullet... I'd put one in my head. Same day" you took a deep breath "I just assumed you had moved on, you were happy. I told myself you would be happiest with whomever you choose to be with"

"By the way, it's not true. The next man I had a relationship with was capable of being worse than you" you admitted

"How so?"

"Well, for starters I don't think he loved me...or cared about me at all... he, he was a piece of shit," you said, not really knowing how to form your sentences and explain to him what happened "He was the breaking point to make me hate the stage I guess. it's too complicated I don't know how to tell you" you shrugged

"I'm sorry," he said and you nodded

"It's not really your fault, but thanks"

"I'm sorry for everything I've done. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. And for years I thought about what it might have been like if I hadn't done what I did. But these questions just resolved themselves. After Grace "

"Yeah, look at us now making up when you have something growing inside your head," you said and he looked at you tenderly

"better than not doing it, eh"

"is it?" you asked and unexpectedly tears started to build up in your eyes and roll down your face "I'm sorry I just..." you spoke cleaning the tears. he stood up and sat next to you, pulling you into his arms as he caressed your hair and back "I don't know why I'm crying. I'm sorry"

"Don't be, it's ok, ey" he said comforting you.

You were sad about what had happened today and now about what was going to happen to the man in front of you whom you've loved since being a kid.

You felt angry too, his reason to you seemed ridiculous, but you do remember how things were back then. he almost died too many times. He was young and inexperienced, he did not know what he knows now. he didn't want to gamble your life as he did his own.

You finally calmed down and fell asleep in his arms.

the next day you woke up lying in bed covered. Sitting you looked around your room, the blanket next to you was messy, as if a person was getting up and on the pillow, there was a note.

Wanted to wait until you woke up but I had to leave early. eet me today at noon at this address? 

Love, Thomas. 

You didn't recognize de address. looking at your clock it was almost 11am. 

You wondered what that meant. Were you guys ok now? did you want to be ok? was it worth it? it would be just too hard to lose him now, and you knew you would. Last night he held you, took care of you. You couldn't remember the last time someone did that, just hold you. 

fuck it, you thought, I deserve some fucking happiness even if it's just for a year. 

Standing up you started to get ready

when you arrived you were surprised by what you saw. it was a park... a park.

you were confused but after walking a bit you saw him sitting on a bench in front of the children's playground.

"hi", you said approaching him

"hey" he got up to kiss you on the cheek

"What are we doing here?" you asked looking around

"You do not like it?" he asked

"no, it's just. I didn't expect it" you admitted and he smiled

"I'll take you to a restaurant over there," he said "I just wanted to see the kids play" he started walking and you followed him

"how are you holding up after your kid? What was her name?" you asked

"Ruby. Some days are worse than others. But I can do nothing about it, they just disappear one day and that's it" he said. you saw he was hiding feelings from you he was clearly suffering.

"Must be hard, it was your only child, right?" you asked and he nodded

"I wonder, you have always wanted a big family. what happened to that?" he asked and you took a deep breath looking away

"Long story" you replied

"Well me time is ticking" he joked

"ha ha" you rolled your eyes as you entered the restaurant.

You had read about this place in the newspapers, it was supposed to be the new best place in town.

he said his name to the waitress and you both were shown to your table. He pushed your chair for you to sit like a gentleman.

"thank you" you smiled at him as you sat

"Now go on, tell me" he encouraged you as he sat and the waitress gave you both the menu

"My ex. he wanted a family and I did too. of course. but I couldn't do it I miscarried all the pregnancies I had, and believe me it was a lot... I went to all sorts of doctors and none knew what was wrong with me. He just became a nightmare when he noticed that I couldn't do it. he would put much pressure on me and I just had to deal with it all. I had to perform in such awful pain... that time in my life is just a blur because I was always high on painkillers so..." you shrugged "... I guess I can't have kids"

"I'm sorry," he said, holding your hand across the table. you smiled and nodded.

After you ordered you took some courage and asked "what do you want from me?"

"That's a tough question," he said as he blew the smoke of his cigarette out of his lungs "I don't know. I guess I just want to spend time with you. I understand if you don't..."

"I do and I don't," you said and he smiled

"Just today then. we spend the day together and if want I'll stay away. if fact I have to go to America this week. I have business there" he said "so we see each other until I go and you take the time I'm there to think, ey. what do you say?"

"Okay" you nodded and smiled "by spending the day together, should I assume we are going somewhere after this?"

"You should" he smirked

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[ninjastormhawkkat]

The Fall of Fair City - Chapter 4

"Hahahahahah..hehehehehehe...hoohoohooo!" The Learnerer exclaimed, trying to give off his own, evil, intimidating laugh. For the nervous looking henchmen and really agitated Dr. Two Brains, the villain failed on all fronts. "How was that?" The Learnerer asked Two Brains, still frozen in one of the exaggerated gestures he was making when giving his evil laugh, hoping to give it more pizazz. Dr. Two Brains face palmed at the display before looking at The Learnerer straight in the eyes with an angry and very disappointed look. "First of all, that last part was the worst imitation of an owl I ever heard of. Second, you don't ever start with an evil laugh right with hahaha. Its to abrupt and sharp and people won't know if you are evil laughing or just regular laughing." Dr. Two Brains heavily criticized. "Oh." The Learnerer replied, looking very downcast at his failed evil laugh. "You need to start off your laugh with a mwa-haha. It makes the delivery smooth yet to the point. Like so." Dr. Two Brains explained as he began to demonstrate. "MWAHAHAHAHA!" Two Brains cackled, giving full emphasis of his evil laugh through his voice and gesture. The Learnerer nodded. "Oh okay. Like this? Mmmhahahaha." The Learner exclaimed. Two Brains shook his head in disappointment. "No its mwa-hahaha. That just sounded like you were stalling before your evil laugh." He again criticized. "How about this superhero and her sidekick give their opinion here?" A sudden voice announced before Wordgirl and Captain Huggy Face appeared before the quartet. "Wordgirl!" Two Brains and The Learnerer both exclaimed in surprise and shock. "How did you find us? I thought I shut down the alarm systems." The Learnerer questioned the heroine. "It was both of your evil laughter that gave the location away due to my super hearing." Wordgirl explained casually. Both villains seemed embarrassed at the fact, but then the Learnerer's expression changed to thoughtful. "So wait, was my evil laugh pretty good?" The Leanerer asked hopefully. "Umm it was okay." Wordgirl said, her and Huggy giving a so-so motion. "But Dr. Two Brains is right, the Mwahahah's are much more smooth and sinister. Keep working on it though." The villains both gave a nod, with Two Brains feeling proud at the compliment. "So what are you two doing here anyway." Wordgirl asked. "I'm here to steal some gadgets to help me in committinging the most villainous crime ever so I can brag about it at the EVA's anniversary party and I asked Dr. Two Brains to come along so I can learn how to truly succeed in my scheme as a great evil villain." The Leanerer replied boastfully. "EVA anniversary party?" Wordgirl questioned as she and Huggy both looked surprised since they hadn't heard anything like that before. "Yeah you don't need to know the details of it it's just a celebration thing." Two Brains hurriedly explain, not wanting his kid to know what it is really about. Wordgirl just nodded, accepting the answer. "Okay but its strange to see you hear robbing your old workplace Dr. Two Brains." Wordgirl commented. Only Two Brains could hear the slight concern in her tone. "Look it wasn't my idea either. The Learnerer brought me here on promises of grilled cheese and a ray that freezes cats." Two Brains explained. "Wait, you know he workeded here too?" The Learnerer questioned. "Hey everyone in the EVA knows Wordgirl and I used to be friends before I became a villain and what did I say about prying into personal stuff!" Two Brains shouted angrily before Wordgirl could respond. The Learnerer raised his hands in apologetic surrender. "Are you okay Doc?" Wordgirl asked, concern now on her face. Dr. Two Brains sighed, calming down, he didn't want his little girl to get upset over him reliving his past this way. "I'm fine kiddo, let's just get on with the you trying to take us to jail and us stopping you from doing so. Please." Two Brains spoke. Only Wordgirl and Huggy hearing the paternal yet reassuring tone in the man's voice. Wordgirl nodded, her face forming into determination. @melodythebunny @drtwobrainsstuff

#wordgirl #wordgirl au #dr two brains #becky boxleitner au #the learnerer #the henchmen #no I haven't forgotten the henchmen #they are there but don't have a speaking role yet #light fluff and humor before angst begins #trying to stylize it like a wordgirl show #the fall of fair city #captain huggyface #some hurt/comfot #Becky caring about her dad but trying to not show it and vice versa #villainy 101: how to evil laugh

[kosherdragondev]

I'm really really angry.

Someone on twitter is having a tantrum and harassing queer Orthodox Jews because we are telling her that responding to our posts about queerphobia in Orthodoxy with "Just join Reform!" or "Reform would welcome you!" or "why are you staying in a queerphobic denomination, just join reform/renewal/reconstructionist/conservative!"

IS OFFENSIVE.

Believe it or not, every queer Orthodox person posting about queerphobia on twitter knows that other denominations exist and that they are queer affirming.

For some reason, there are individuals who are extremely insecure with their Judaism, and they take it very personally when a queer person would rather stay Orthodox than join their denomination. They need to learn that NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!

Support people in the communities they've chosen. You can say that queerphobia in Orthodoxy is not your problem, and that's fine. But if you aren't supporting queer Orthodox Jews in their goals to gain more acceptance and tolerance in the community? Shut the fuck up with "why don't you join my denomination? We'd actually be nice to you!" Maybe it's because Orthodoxy is right for them, just like your denomination is right for you?

Anywho, this person responded to multiple queer Orthodox Jews in this offensive, inconsiderate, and self-centering way. They were told many times that their behavior was hurtful and offensive. Nevertheless, they continued to double down. At one point, someone on jwitter asked them to examine their actions more. This someone was in a rough financial situation a while ago and asked for help on twitter, and hundreds of people came through for them. Tzedaka is a beautiful mitzvah. Do you know how Mrs. Justbecomereform responded to him later during a disagreement?

"You're welcome for the money, by the way."

I've met her IRL. She seemed like a nice normal person. I replied and asked why she is acting like this. She said she was mad everyone was telling her what to do, she doesn't tell us what to do, and we're piling on her.

I blocked her and I never want to see her again. Once you refuse to accept criticism from a marginalized group and also throw your tzedaka in someone's face, I'm DONE with you.

He wanted to give her her money back. I'm sure you understand why. But she refused to give him details and claimed that he was bullying her.

Good riddance and I hope she gets the help she needs.

[normalhorse]

I have developed a new youtube strategy and if I don't write it down I'll forget but it's working nicely to find wholesome and delightful woodworking stuff I would never have otherwise found/looked at.

ah this is going to go long so executive summary: this is not really about my new youtube strategy but it is about youtube stuff I like and why. And a bit about my youtube strategy I guess. and how I have autism lmao.

For instance this guy:

makes very quietly-spoken, mostly shop footage and talking to camera (and a bit of inserted reference footage or pov shots, too) videos, making nice furniture out of nice hardwoods and self-made recycled skateboard plywood.

This all delivered with an affect my wife wife described as "radiating warmth and light" and a genuinely engaging and crucially understated enthusiasm. perfect blend of cali skater zen and also manual crafts zen.

Obligatory #youtube grammar notes: nothing egregious so far! One word really caught my attention (not enough for me to, like, remember what it was for sure - I think it was furthermore?), as being far enough away from exactly right as to be jarring also (Andrew if you ever read this I am trying very hard to write this in a way that doesn't seem, like, aggressively negative but if it does, [and this is unsolicited criticism so why wouldn't it] as a countermeasure: you're doing great! one and a half weird words in idk half an hour of footage is frankly incredible. and your videos are lovely. thanks!). The 'half' was one instance out of several uses of 'itself' also hit wrong but I can't explain why even to myself so who cares.

Anyway, it's exactly my shit except a lot of his thumbnails look like high energy sfx-heavy youtube maker stuff yelled at me by a bro (Sorry again Andrew once again you are doing great!) which I would never click on except for my grand strategy of:

subscribe early, subscribe often

just like follow links in videos when you watch a nice video and the presenter says 'inspired by a video from ...' - if they make the kind of videos you want, there's a better than average chance people that inspire them do too.

Yes, the second thing should have been blindingly obvious, but I have a medical condition and don't have to notice things.

Mostly it's that the links are now in the readmore of the description field, and I usually don't read those because they register in my brain as post signatures, so I maybe read the whole readmore once per channel.

(for the sake of internet epoch claiming the relevant signatures are on usenet)

That is, I expect the description to have the same content all the time after the obligatory first line modification (i.e. the actual video description text). There's usually a huge identical section of socmed links, affiliate links to products used in the video, affiliate links to endorsed products/channel sponsors generally.

So I didn't know that sometimes there are video/channel links in there, ok? Also there's a popup info panel but I think I adblocked it lmao.

Anyway. Subscribe early, subscribe often, though: Because windows just shuts itself the fuck down whenever it wants, and chrome no longer restores smashed windows by default (presumably for ultimately surveillance-enhancing reasons), and I have watch history turned off on youtube (yeah I know but also listen being paranoid about the internet is my actual job I am allowed to be a weirdo if I want), once I open a linked video in a new tab or whatever, if the video looks cool I subscribe immediately, because I won't watch it now and I'll lose the tab tomorrow.

Anyway this is probably exactly the usage model youtube would like me to have, but because I have watch history turned off I don't get youtube's """highly curated""" recommended bullshit, I only see <search results for niche interest query> and stuff recommended from videos I'm already subscribed to. So like sort of their model but much more actually useful to me.

cool strategy bro

but yeah the real question is hey do you know any more channels like this for carpentry/metalwork/basically any craft stuff? hit me with yr haberdashery yr leatherwork your embroidery - but not cooking for some reason. because they are extremely important for my little mental health right now cheers

#woodworking #youtube #recommend me stuff #carpentry #recycled skateboards are excellent and I should go chat to the local shop #youtube grammar

[thetwistedrope]

Hey!!! I see a lot of people talking about Sharon LaBorde negatively and I wonder why? I mean, I'm not particularly fond of her, she seems a bit off and sometimes she sounds preachy in her books but I get the impression there's something I don't know abt her lol

It's been a long time since i interacted with Laborde directly, but during my time on her forums she displayed a lot of issues.

to start, she has a huge dislike of KO that is fueled by a lot of misinformation about the organization. this tends to derail legitimate criticisms of the group and muddies the water when it comes to discussion of actual reasons to be wary of the group.

this dislike of KO literally bleeds into everything she does. you can see it in her book, you can see it in the topics she allows in her group (she's shutdown discussion about KO in the past). its like a core part of her identity as a kemetic.

back when i was a moderator on her forum, she had a bad tendency to shut down threads based off of her own comfort level. she supported racist rhetoric within her forums, and was very critical of anyone calling out racism within her group. she also said racist stuff, but didn't believe the people telling her it was racist. she also took away my modding privileges without notice and without giving me a full understanding of why, which is just kinda bad practice lol.

her first book was really not well cited and i have always been grumpy about her labeling a consecration rite as an "opening of the mouth" ritual, because it creates unnecessary confusion about a ritual that is generally only something actual priests perform. and again, you can see her ire for KO showing up throughout the text.

so its shit like that that generally gives her a bad name around the community. i personally don't recommend any of her stuff to anyone because, frankly, i don't want people to pick up her misinformation or bad tendencies and think that's an okay way to act within the community.

#asks #laborde #bad resources

[magnetarmadda]

Hi there! Like probably a lot of people, I'm quite jealous and in awe of the amount of reading you seem to get done. If you don't mind my asking, did you read this many books when you were in grad school? I'm in the last few months of my PhD (in paleontology!) and I've found that working on my thesis has absolutely killed my ability to get through books. Did this happen to you? Did your brain recover afterward? Or did you never deal with the reading slump?

Thanks! (And I hope you're having a good day, because you seem like a cool and nice person!)

Hey, hi! First, best of luck with your final months of grad school!!! Honestly, for me, they were so hard because of the lack of structure. Just, “finish your dissertation” and that was all the instruction really. If you ever wanna chat/vent about that, lemme know!! (Also paleontology!!! That’s so cool!!)

I always like to preface my reading habits with this: I have a very fast reading comprehension speed, and so for me, it averages out to about 100 pages of a novel in an hour and about 75 pages of nonfiction in an hour. In that way, I got lucky with the combination of early reading education, at-home book discussions, and genetics. So I can sit down and read a 300-page book in one evening, which meant that, even though I was only reading only one or two days a week, I was still getting through 50+ a year that way in grad school

I also listen to a lot of audiobooks and love trade paperbacks of graphic novels. The graphic novels can be quite fast reads for me, and this again is partly luck and genetics—my mom’s an artist, so I learned to look at images critically quite young, and can frequently find important info in them quickly. Then, for audiobooks, I do struggle with some chronic illnesses and chronic pain, and I frequently have to check out of life—but I cannot be left alone in my own head, or I rapidly catastrophize lol. I also can’t shut my own brain off when it’s time to sleep, so I listen to audiobooks then as well. I’d say this means I average about 4 audiobooks a month, where they’re usually between 8 and 14 hours (I do listen at 1.25 or 1.5 speed, because otherwise my brain stops paying attention)

I was also lucky with my advisor in grad school. She had a firm self-care policy, in that she cares more about her students’ well-being and health than timely progress. So I never felt like I was stealing moments or neglecting my work—I was trying to cultivate the healthiest version of myself, given all the other factors outside of my control. In the six years I worked with her, we actually spent more than one meeting talking about fantasy novels instead of research, which was lovely

But, yeah, there were a lot of reading struggles in grad school for me. I would go long stretches of time where the idea of opening a book and reading more words was unbearable, because god, didn’t I just spend all day reading and writing?? I also started to not care as much for the types of books I read before grad school, so now I’ve got a few stacks of books on hand I feel guilty that I haven’t read (but I’m trying to recognize that I’ll probably never read them, because tastes can change). So I might've had motivation to read, but nothing I had on hand sounded particularly good

Submitting that dissertation and knowing the hard part was over was actually the biggest relief, I think maybe of my life. I defended in mid-October and then submitted the finished manuscript about two weeks later, and then I spent a solid month just…reading whatever the fuck I wanted to lol. I have a postdoc now (and am applying for faculty jobs 🤞), and the responsibilities are waaaaaay less than as a grad student. In fact, my PI is adamant that I should not do more than 40 hrs a week, and so I’ve been able to plow through books like wild in the last few months

I also want to say: grad school is hard. It’s so absolutely difficult. Master’s programs are rough, and PhD programs are their own rodeo, and it sucks to say (because it sounds awful to most people, I know), but unless someone goes through grad school themselves, it’s hard to fathom what makes it so hard and exhausting. It’s totally okay to cut yourself some slack for finding you don’t have as much energy for other things, even the things you really enjoy. The books will be there waiting, and I'll admit it took me a solid 4 years to accept that myself lol

Thanks for the lovely ask, and I really do wish you well as you finish up 💜 again, I'm here--ask box or dm--if you'd like to take more about any part of the process 💜

#about me #reading #mad answers asks