#And she's from Milan so I never had a chance to learn from someone else

[moldisgoodforyou]

florence (iv)

warnings: smut!! in the middle but you can see it coming if u wanna skip over it

wordcount: 8.3k

______

Six and a half hours and two transfers later on the train, Sophie and Rafe made it to Florence. They’d fallen asleep on each other multiple times and woken up with cricks in their necks or imprints of each other’s clothing onto their cheeks, and were both running on little sleep - somehow, he’d convinced her to go skinny dipping off a little cove at 2am the night before. She lasted about ten minutes in the water with him before she spotted someone with a flashlight along the beach and freaked, practically sprinting out of the water to pull her wet clothes back on and shove Rafe’s at him. (He’d hissed at her to relax until they heard yelling of “arrêter! Policiers!” They put together pretty quickly that it was “stop! Police!” and booked it back to the hotel, giggling the whole way.)

Despite Rafe’s tired grumblings, she made him freshen up and walk with her to go get dinner at a place a few blocks from the hostel. It was only 6, but they both hadn’t eaten in a while and had to be up early for an architecture tour Sophie had scheduled at 8am. He took two looks at the menu before handing it to her - she raised her eyebrows, skeptical. “You know what you’re getting?”

“It’s Italy. I want pasta every day.”

“Every day.” She repeated, doubtful.

“Every day. And gelato, every day. Those are my two requests.” He nodded, sure of himself.

“I think we can manage that. Did you learn Italian too over the summer, you want to order for us?” She teased, holding back a smile.

“C’mon, my Spanish wasn’t that terrible. It really wasn’t.” He protested, kicking her gently under the table.

She kicked him back reflexively, maybe a little too hard, and just rolled her eyes when he made a show of dramatically grabbing his leg. “It wasn’t awful. You just had zero accent, that’s kind of important.”

“Whatever, I’ll work on it.” He grinned. “You can teach me where to put my tongue.”

“Your ability to make anything sexual is impressive.”

“Wasn’t even sexual, but good job on you for twisting it.” He smirked, leaning across the table and lowering her voice. “Hey. Guess what.”

She did the same, reaching out and taking his hand. “What.”

“We’re in Italy.” He whispered conspiratorially, squeezing her hand.

“Yeah, and…?”

“When you were drunk on FaceTime once, you told me we needed to have sex in every country.”

She blushed, raising her eyebrows. “Did I?”

“You did, and I’m holding you to it. I got us single rooms in the hostels for a reason.” Rafe wiggled his eyebrows back with a smile, trying to get her to laugh. “But there’s like, a 98% chance I fall asleep on you if we try anything tonight, so we can check that off the list tomorrow.”

She had to hide a giggle as their waiter came over to take their order, turning it into a cough into her elbow. When the waiter left she shook her head, grinning. “Tomorrow’s fine. I appreciate the honesty.”

“Any time.”

_______

The next morning, Sophie woke up to her third alarm in a row with Rafe still blissfully asleep next to her, his arm curled around her middle and her leg thrown over his waist. She nudged her head up, knocking against his chin. “Hey.”

He stirred just enough to pull her closer and bury his face into her hair. “Shh. Sleeping.”

“We gotta get up, Rafe, we need breakfast before our tour.” She started scratching gentle circles on his chest, placing short kisses up along his neck. “Up.”

“If you keep doing that something else is going to get up.” He mumbled, humming contentedly with his eyes still shut. The hostel was busy with other kids their age and he’d woken up to the sound of two groups trying to open their door - twice - and their drunken whisper-yells. Sophie, of course, slept peacefully through the whole thing.

“We don’t have time for that.” She placed a kiss on the tip of his nose and tried squirming from his grip unsuccessfully. “Come on.”

“Five minutes.”

“Two.”

“Four.”

“...Fine.” She settled her head back onto the pillow, sighing as he grinned and nuzzled against her. “Only ‘cause you’re warm.”

“Yeah, what the fuck is up with the temps? This place is an icebox.” He replied, slipping his hand under her shirt and cupping her breast.

“Rafe.” She elbowed at him, a warning tone to her voice.

“M’ just holding it. You’re warm.” He argued, brushing his thumb over her nipple and smiling to himself when she let out a tiny whine. She made the mistake of pressing her hips back into him, just a little, and he groaned quietly into her ear. “Careful there.”

“You’re not seriously - oh my god, Rafe.”

He wasn’t embarrassed in the slightest, just pushed his hips against her ass. “Can’t help it. I have my beautiful girlfriend in my bed that I haven’t seen in months.”

“It wasn’t even that long -”

“It was a whole quarter of a year without you, Sophie, now hush and let me sleep.” His tone took on a teasing lilt and he brushed his fingers down her stomach, making her tense. “Unless you’d like to do something else.”

“We don’t have time.” She told him firmly, knocking his hand away. He grumbled and pulled his hand out from under her shirt, settling his arm around her waist instead. “Lame.”

“You’re lame.”

“Okay. Good comeback. You’ve lost your touch.” He quipped with a tone of amusement, pulling her close again. Her alarm went off and he sighed dramatically, dropping his head to her shoulder. “Let’s skip.”

“We’re not skipping, we might never be in Florence again and I’ve wanted to see the Duomo and Palazzo Vecchio for years.” She twisted in his grip just enough to place a quick kiss on his lips then sit up, stretching. “Get up.”

“I’ll bring you back - no, Sophie, stay -” He protested weakly, reaching for her.

She smiled fondly at the way he was all squinty in the mornings, adjusting to the lights and trying to find his glasses, but her smile gave way to a pout she knew Rafe couldn’t say no to. “Baby, please? I don’t want to be late.”

“Fine.” He yawned and dragged himself out of bed, pulled on his glasses and shoved his feet into sneakers, just wearing his boxers. “I’m gonna go pee.”

“You’re not gonna at least throw on a shirt? Or shorts?” She questioned, eyeing him over with no shame.

He caught her gaze and flexed his chest, smirking. “Not if you’re enjoying the show.”

“You’re the worst.” She informed him, leaning over to give him a kick to the ass. “Go.”

As requested, she pulled out his clothes for the day after she got ready, finding a certain kind of pride in the fact that he trusted her in his appearance. She grabbed his wallet from the desk too, ready to stick it in her backpack, but paused when she realized it was a little thicker than normal, barely snapping shut. Curiosity got the best of her and she flicked open the wallet, pulling out a couple wrinkled and worn pieces of paper from one of the slots.

Rafe returned just as she was smoothing it open. “What are you doing?”

She startled, quickly turning and holding the paper behind her back. “Nothing! Just putting your wallet in my bag. So we didn’t forget.” She clarified quickly, cheeks blooming red at being caught.

He smirked, kicking off his shoes and striding closer. “If you wanted money, you could’ve just asked.” He teased, reaching around behind her. “Whatcha got?”

“Nothing.” She twisted, trying to set it on the desk without him noticing, completely unsubtle.

“Oh. You found your letters?”

Sophie paused. “My letters?”

“Yeah, that’s what they are.” He nodded and started pulling on his clothes for the day.

She brought it from behind her back to read and brightened, realizing it was two scraps from the many letters she’d sent to him when they were apart. He’d just cut out the two sappiest paragraphs she’d written, embarrassingly, as she found it much easier to express the extent of her love for him through writing rather than face to face. She pouted a little, skimming over them. “Baby.”

He turned back to her and ran his thumb over her bottom lip, shaking his head. “Hm? No pouting, little fish.”

“Little fish?” She quirked her brow, confused.

“Yeah, remember that one time you blamed your crying during finals week on being a Pisces moon? Pisces is the fish, I think.” Rafe reasoned, taking the papers out of her hand and carefully tucked them into a zippered pocket of his suitcase. “Since you’re here with me now, I guess you’ll just have to tell me how much you love me in person instead.”

She beamed up at him, adoringly. “I love you so damn much.”

He grinned and slipped his hands around her waist, pulling her close to kiss her slow. “Love you too, Soph. My favorite girl.”

Fifteen minutes later, the two of them strolled out hand-in-hand to the hostel cafeteria and picked through some pastries for breakfast, Sophie promising him a protein bar from her backpack when he complained he’d be lightheaded by eleven. He snapped a photo of her when she recoiled at the strong cappuccino with zero cream or sugar to cut it with, laughing as she tried her best to hide a cough. They found a spot at an empty table and it wasn’t long until a friendly couple came up to them with twin smiles.

“Hi, can we sit?” The girl asked, already setting down their plates.

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead.” Rafe replied, gesturing. Sophie noticed that his slight Carolinian accent came out a little more in Europe instead of in Ohio, as if he was trying to mimic a little bit of the Spanish and Italian accents and butchered it in his own special way. (She hadn’t corrected him yet, finding it endearing.)

“Thank you! I’m Elena, this is Marco.” Elena introduced herself, sliding into her seat.

Marco gave them a nod and pointed at Rafe, hesitant. “It’s...Jake?”

“Rafe.” He corrected, then explained to Sophie, “we met in the bathroom.”

“Your boyfriend is built.” Marco informed Sophie with a grin, making her laugh. “I know. I’m Sophie, it’s nice to meet you both. Are you just visiting, or…?”

“Yes, we’re from Milan, we wanted to make a weekend trip.” Elena confirmed. “And you? Americans?”

“North Carolina, yeah.” Rafe nodded. “Sophie was studying abroad in Barcelona, then I came to tag along.”

“Oh, so cool!” Elena grinned. “Do you have plans today? I love Florence, it’s beautiful.”

“It is, yeah.” Sophie glanced down at her phone, then back up at them. “I’m sorry, but we have to run, actually, we have a tour to go to this morning. But no plans later.”

“We will meet you by the Duomo, then, around lunch! We can show you around.” Marco declared, handing over his phone to Rafe to put in his phone number - he was a little confused, but did so anyways. “You guys don’t have to -”

“No, new friends are always fun.” Elena waved him off with a smile. “Enjoy your morning.”

Sophie brightened, slipping out of her chair. “See you later!”

Rafe followed her back to their room, and turned to face her after shutting the door with a skeptical look. “He was flirting with me.”

She laughed, packing up her backpack for the day (she’d bought the little leather bag in Barcelona and it was now one of her most treasured possessions, carrying her camera and sketchbook every day). “Don’t be ridiculous, you just have a big head.”

“No, I swear, he was giving me a look this morning when I walked back from the bathroom.” He insisted.

“I think you’re misinterpreting things, he was probably confused that you were shirtless. They were friendly, we should meet up with them! New friends!” She grinned and slapped a protein bar into his hand, as promised.

He furrowed his brow a little but slipped the bar into his pocket. “How long do I have to share you for?”

“Rafe.”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” He amended quickly, leaning down to give her a sweet kiss. “Ready to see your Domo and whatever?”

“Duomo, baby. And the Palazzo Vecchio.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“Uh huh.” She held out her hand with a grin. “C’mon, Florence awaits.”

He took her hand and raised it, guiding her into a twirl. “We certainly can’t keep her waiting, then.”

______

Rafe wasn’t sure he absorbed a single word of the self-guided tour. Twenty boring minutes in, he’d turned down the volume on his audio pack that they’d rented and just observed Sophie and the small look of awe on her face at every new turn, the way she nodded enthusiastically when she recognized a piece of information shared on the audio. He decided he would be perfectly content with just watching her for the rest of his life, to see the way her face lit up when she learned new things and got to share that information with him.

He listened just enough to be able to hold a conversation with her afterward, but his intro to architecture class that he’d had to drop midway through the first month of the semester didn’t really give him a strong enough background to keep up. Sophie made him pause the audio several times too, so she could tell him a story about the architect or about the construction of the buildings - he did his best to look as interested as possible. She could tell he was losing interest, just a little, but carried on anyways, just excited to share her passions with him.

After finishing the tour and returning their audio devices a little early, they took a seat out on the steps of the piazza as they waited for their new friends. Sophie took out her sketchbook and started drawing the front entryway of the Duomo, and after two minutes she ripped out a sheet so Rafe could doodle too. (His sketches were much less refined, a little rough around the edges, but they made up for it in character.)

“Do you think they’ll show?”

“Marco and Elena? Yeah. They sounded genuine.” She replied, her tongue poking out a little in concentration as she sketched.

He suppressed a grin and snapped a quick photo of her before she could realize. “How long do we have to hang out with them?”

She shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe go to lunch, let them show us around and if we like them we can hang out more?”

“Hm. You think we’ll like them?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we?” She reached over and adjusted his hand, trying to help him draw a straighter line, but he just scowled and went back to his usual method.

“We don’t know anything about them.”

“That’s the whole point of staying in the hostel, baby, to meet people.” She nudged her foot against his, giving him an eager smile. “C’mon, you like making friends. You’re good at it.”

“Okay, fine, but I have something planned for us tomorrow afternoon.” He told her, raising his eyebrows.

She huffed, exasperated. “Rafe, I promise, we can have sex later, but I’m not wasting the day in bed -”

He laughed, flicking at her knee. “No, no, not that, but I like where your mind is at.”

“Oh.” She cocked her head a little. “What is it?”

“A surprise.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Not an expensive one, I hope?”

He made a show of pulling out his phone, dramatic. “Siri, cancel the private shopping tour at Gucci please.“

“Rafe Cameron.” She fixed him with a glare, unamused. He grinned back and leaned over to kiss her forehead. “I know you better than that, don’t worry.”

“You’d better.” She rolled her eyes, then brightened when she saw Marco and Elena approaching and gathered up her sketchbook and pencils back into her bag, along with Rafe’s little drawings. He followed her gaze and stood, visibly steeling himself a little - she instantly nudged him to relax.

It didn’t take long for Rafe to warm up to their newfound friends, especially when Marco showed interest in his camera and when Elena asked him about his film minor, and enthused about how jealous she was that she couldn’t study something fun like that. He was a little caught off guard when they each got kisses on cheeks as a greeting, but didn’t mention it when Sophie shot him a look.

As promised, the two gave Rafe and Sophie a mini tour of the city, stopping for gelato twice along the way. After a solid few hours of walking and chatting, they stopped at a fountain by their hostel and sat around it to take a break.

“This fountain is special to us, you know.” Elena smiled at Marco and he nodded, tugging her down to his lap.

Rafe cocked his head. “Why’s that?”

“It is where we kissed for the first time.” Marco revealed with a raise of his eyebrows. “There’s a legend, if you throw a coin in here over your shoulder and it makes it to the top tier, you will find your lover.”

“Or lovers.” Elena added with a grin and dug in her pocket, then tossed two coins to Rafe and Sophie. “Here. I’ll tell you where it lands.”

Rafe tried handing his back, shaking his head. “No, I don’t want to waste your coin. I already have Sophie.”

Elena pushed it back into his hand, insistent. “You never know what will happen. It’s just good luck.”

Sophie looked a little confused but accepted the coin, tossing it in. Marco let out a whoop as it landed in the top tier, making a satisfying clink. “There you go!”

Rafe scowled but flicked his in too, looking a little smug when it joined hers up top. “See, I told you. Your lover’s right here.” He slipped his arms around her waist from behind, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, and mumbled, “Stupid fountain.”

Elena laughed, gesturing out to the crowd milling around. “Your lovers could be anywhere. Love is meant to be shared with more, yes?”

“...Sure.” Sophie leaned back into Rafe, content. “How long are you two here for?”

“We have as long as we’d like.” Marco shrugged. “Wherever the wind takes us.”

Rafe chuckled quietly into Sophie’s hair, murmuring. “Sounds like your worst nightmare.”

She just hummed in agreement back to him. “Oh. We leave in two days, early in the morning. Do you have plans tonight?”

“Probably a club.” Elena grinned. “You should come! We will teach you the tricks, get you the good Italian drinks. Sophie, I can show you how to flirt for the free drinks, the Italian way.”

She held back a laugh as she felt Rafe’s grip tighten a little around her. “Going out sounds fun. I’m not sure I have the right clothes, though, I sent a lot home already…”

“I have clothes! We will share.” Elena dismissed her immediately, then got up off Marco’s lap, tugging him up. “We are meeting with friends for dinner, but we will meet you later? At the hostel?”

“Sounds good.” Rafe nodded, letting Sophie go, and was surprised when the two of them said goodbye - again - with cheek kisses, Marco included. Once they were out of earshot, Sophie giggled at the bemused expression he wore. “I think you should start greeting James and Colin that way.”

He scowled. “James would participate. Colin might deck me.”

“Yeah, probably. I miss them.”

“More than you missed me?” He raised his eyebrows and she rolled her eyes, shoving at his chest. “Of course not. Don’t be weird.”

“I’m not being weird.”

“You are being weird, you get all overprotective and I know you wanted to say something earlier when she talked about flirting.” She took his hand and intertwined their fingers, giving it a little squeeze.

He softened a little and leaned down to press a kiss against the crown of her head, ignoring her remark. “What do you think she’ll have you wearing?”

“No clue. We’ll see, I guess.” She shrugged. “We have a few hours to kill, what do you want to do?”

“Hmm. We can go see the David?” Rafe tipped his head in that direction, and Sophie visibly brightened. “You want to go to an art museum?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard it’s cool. One of my buddies went last year and said it was worth checking out. Plus, air conditioning.”

“My two favorite words.” She grinned.

____

Later that night, Sophie walked out of the girls’ dorm with Elena to meet the boys, looking extra hesitant. She wore a black bikini top, maneuvered differently so it was upside down and strung up to push her boobs together, with an open back. One tug of a string and it’d all come undone. It was paired with a leather miniskirt and Elena insisted on doing winged eyeliner and soft pink lipstick too, all completely out of Sophie’s comfort zone.

Rafe’s eyebrows shot up and his jaw fell open a little. “Soph.”

“She’s gorgeous, yes?” Elena grinned, giving Sophie a little push on the shoulder toward him.

“Yeah, definitely, stunning.” Rafe nodded, searching her face. Sophie gave him a small smile, clearly uncomfortable in the attire. “It doesn’t look bad?”

“No! No, not at all. Do you like it…?” He questioned. “I can go get an extra shirt of mine from our room, if you want a little more, uh, coverage - not that you need to cover up, but -” He started, stepping toward that way even without her encouragement.

“No, um, I think it’s okay.” She grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks. “Just a little...different. I just need a drink. Or two.”

He paused. “You’re sure.”

“I’m sure.” She nodded, then gave him a wry grin. “Just make sure no one accidentally tugs at this string or I think it’s all coming apart.”

He clapped his hand against the string at the back of her neck protectively. “You got it.”

“Ready? You look nice, Sophie.” Marco asked, sending her a polite smile, then stopped in front of Rafe. “No, wait.”

“Something wrong?” Rafe frowned, then widened his eyes as Marco reached out and undid two more buttons on Rafe’s shirt that already had three unbuttoned, so his chest was basically on full display. His attire was completely out of character for him, a short-sleeved maroon silk button-down that Marco had insisted on, but he wore it well. Sophie stifled a laugh.

“There! Much better. Now we go.” Marco took Elena’s hand and they led the way, starting the walk toward the club.

Sophie giggled at Rafe’s bemused expression and reached over and undid another button with her free hand. “You look extra slutty tonight.”

“Extra slutty?” He emphasized in mock outrage. “Maybe I’ll be the one getting us free drinks.”

She grinned. “How about we make it a competition?”

“Go on…”

“Whoever can get to...um, two drinks first wins.” She decided.

“Just two? Why not go the whole night?” He cocked his head.

“I don’t think I’m going to drink too much tonight.” She reached up and tugged at the bikini string to tighten it a little, pushing her boobs together more. “I feel like my tits are gonna fall out at any second.”

He snorted. “Say the word and I’ll give you my shirt.”

“I know you would, baby, but I think you need some semblance of decency too.”

They were practically glued to each other’s side all night despite their bet, with her being stressed about her outfit and him being overprotective. (Sophie noted that Rafe looked remarkably comfortable in the overpriced and fancy club environment, while she felt wildly out of place. For a moment she wished she’d taken him to Monaco just to see how quickly he’d assimilate, even though she knew she’d probably hate it.)

They took two shots with Elena and Marco and lost both of them shortly after, not expecting them to leave so soon. After they said hasty goodbyes, not returning, Rafe slung his arm around Sophie’s shoulders and kept her close. “I’m pretty sure I just saw Elena making out with some girl on the dance floor.”

Sophie furrowed her brow, leaning into him. “You’re sure? Isn’t she dating Marco?”

He shrugged. “Dunno, maybe it’s their thing. I swear it was her.” He grinned, repeating Elena’s words from earlier. “Your lovers could be anywhere, remember?”

She rolled her eyes. “She’s a little out there. When we were getting dressed she dragged a crystal down my spine and told me I had to align my chakras.”

“Kinky.” He quipped, laughing when she shoved at his shoulder. “Whatcha thinking, want to stay?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah.”

She shook her head. “I’m tired and my feet are killing me. Let’s just head back?”

He took the rest of her drink and tipped it back, then set it on a nearby counter as they walked out. “Exactly how tired are you?”

She grinned. “I could stay up for a little longer. I saw your packing skills, might as well put them to good use.”

Rafe blushed - she’d found a whole strip of condoms in his bag on the first night in Barcelona and immediately teased him, asking how many nights he thought they’d be doing it. He merely responded by shrugging and ripping one open, setting it on the bed like an invitation. (She had accepted. Of course she did.) “We might as well take advantage of your top. Easy access, y’know.”

She rolled her eyes and checked her hip against his, shaking her head. “You have me, you know. You don’t have to keep constantly flirting.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“Touché.”

_________

Rafe’s planned surprise for the next day was a bike tour (“so you can live out your Lizzie McGuire dream,” he’d told her, but she didn’t have the heart to correct him that technically Lizzie rode a Vespa in Rome).

The bike tour was out to a small winery where they had a private dinner and both got drunker than they expected, especially Sophie. The owners of the winery made them a three-course meal and kept coming out with more and more wines to try, successfully convincing Rafe to order three bottles to be shipped home. When Sophie nearly fell only a few feet after attempting to ride the bike back, the owners laughed and just ordered them a cab - Rafe thanked them with a tip that was probably a little too excessive, but his drunk brain didn’t care.

When they tumbled into the car, Rafe immediately pulled her feet into his lap, running his hand over her shin. She gave him a look and tried twitching away but he wouldn’t let her, keeping a firm grasp on her ankle. In Spanish, a little slurred but near-perfect, Sophie told the driver their address and the name of the hostel. Their driver nodded and responded something in Italian - neither of them could understand, so they just nodded back.

Rafe dug his thumbs into her calf and she nearly moaned, biting her lip. “Oh my god.”

“That good or you’re just drunk?” He smirked, continuing his motions.

She let her head flop back against the car door. “Both. You’re drunk too. My brain is working funny though.”

He raised his eyebrows, smiling. “I don’t think it is. What’s 15 plus 26?”

“Rafe, you know I can’t do mental math, unfair.” She whined, pulling her leg back a little so his hand slipped back to her ankle.

He swapped her legs, massaging into her other calf. “Not gonna take your shoes off in the car, sweetheart, you’ll have to wait for more.”

“Sweetheart. That’s new,” she repeated, mulling it over. “You know what?”

“What?”

“If you gave me a foot massage right now, I genuinely think I’d marry you on the spot. No contest.”

“No contest implies there is competition, Soph.” He pushed both her legs off his lap, ignoring her squawk of protest, and slid into the middle seat so he could buckle her in and lean into her.

She tucked her head into his side comfortably. “You’d marry me too. Wouldn’t you?”

“Right now?”

“Yes.”

“Hm. No.”

She whined, squeezing his thigh. “Rafe!”

“Sophie!” He mimicked her whine, although much quieter, and pushed her hand away from his leg. “No, I wouldn’t, you deserve a big party and a pretty white dress. Plus, wouldn’t you want our friends there?”

“I suppose.” She hummed, pulling his arm a little tighter around her shoulders. “Sometime, then.”

“Yeah, sometime.” He agreed, starting to play with her hair. It wasn’t long until she fell asleep on his side, always extra sleepy when she was wine drunk. He snapped a picture and sent it to Allie and Julia, who instantly demanded a Facetime session.

A few minutes later, the cab dropped them at the hostel and Rafe had to practically drag her sleepy body out of the car and haul her inside. He convinced her to stay awake just long enough to get into their room, then let her flop onto the bed as he untied her shoes.

She perked up a little when she heard the familiar ring of the Facetime call. “Who’s that?” He scooted in close to her, pressing his cheek to hers to fit them both on the screen with minimal effort. Allie and Julia picked up right away and both their faces broke out into a grin.

“Mom and Dad!” Julia exclaimed.

Sophie grinned back, immediately taking the phone from Rafe and shoving him away. “Hi!”

“She’s drunk.” Rafe informed them unnecessarily off screen.

“I am not, shh.” She snapped at him. “Hi guys! I miss you!”

“How’s your trip? I want to hear all about it!” Allie asked right away.

Sophie glanced at Rafe, the wheels turning in her head. “Should we tell them? Are we allowed?”

He furrowed his brow. “Why wouldn’t we be allowed?”

“Okay. So we had sex last night -”

“Jesus, Sophie, no -” He immediately wrestled the phone away from her as Allie and Julia both cried out with a chorus of “no, stop!”

“You said it was allowed!”

“I didn’t think you were going to talk about that!” Rafe rolled his eyes and gave them an apologetic smile. “We’ll be home in a little under a week, Soph can catch you up then. On the less explicit details.”

“You taking care of our girl, Cameron?” Julia asked, smiling as Sophie nuzzled into his side like a cat - she was always extra touchy when drunk, even just with the girls.

“Technically, she was mine first.” He pointed out.

“Technically, you made her cry after multiple fights before you ever dated, so no. She’s been ours since freshman year.” Allie corrected.

“I can be everybody’s.” Sophie mumbled, taking Rafe’s hand and placing it on her head so he’d get the hint and start playing with her hair again.

“Polygamy. Spicy.” Julia quipped.

“I would like to have sex or go to sleep now.” Sophie announced without a care in the world. “Can we hang up?”

Julia snorted, while Allie rolled her eyes.

“You’re not gonna talk to your friends?” He asked, trying to hand the phone back to her, but she just shook her head and pushed it away. “M’tired.”

“You just said you wanted to have sex.” Julia said.

“Yes, I’m not gonna do any of the work.”

Rafe shook his head and angled the phone back to his face. “Okay then. Sorry, guys, we had way too much wine at dinner. We’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah, of course. See you soon! Bye, Soph!” They both chimed in, waving until they hung up. He dropped the phone, amused. “What was that about?”

“Honesty is the best policy.” She told him, sprawling out onto the bed. “Alright. Have at me.”

He rolled his eyes. “No. You need to shower, then we can go to sleep.”

She sighed dramatically. “Rafael.”

“That is not my name.”

“Okay. Rafe.”

“Yes.”

“Can we please have sex?”

“No we cannot.”

She pouted, rolling over onto her stomach and looking up at him. “Please? I’ll let you go down on me.”

He laughed. “You’re so generous. No. Come on, shower time.” He gathered up her towel and clothes for her to change into after, then tugged at her hand. “Angel. Up.”

“Shower with me.” She demanded, getting up and following him out the room with only a few stumbles along the way.

“You want us to get kicked out? I don’t think so.” He ushered her into the small shower stall, slipping in behind her and locking the door, then helped her undress, dodging multiple kisses. He folded her clothes and set them aside then gave her a small push into the shower that he’d turned on for her. “Okay. I’m going to wait outside.”

“No, no, stay.” She yelped as the water hit her, ice cold, and fiddled with the handles. “Fucking - oh my god -”

Rafe quickly jumped forward and adjusted them to the right temp, then turned his back on her. “Fine, I’ll stay, but only because I’m worried you’ll drown.”

“Can’t drown in a shower, silly.” She reached out and shoved her soapy hand through his hair and he sighed, turning back to look her in the eye. “Sophie Flint. Please behave.”

“You behave.” She gave him a mischievous grin, then lowered her voice to a whisper despite there being no one else milling around in the bathroom. “Come in.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Not completely. Not anymore.” She argued. “I’ll go down on you.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “If you really want to, you can save that for the morning. Finish your shower so I can get in. I’ve decided I don’t trust you to stay alone in the room.”

“Or you could get in with me…” she trailed off, tugging him down for a kiss - he gave in just for a moment before glancing away, trying his hardest to ignore his naked girlfriend - wet and covered in soap suds, no less.

“Soph. Rinse your hair.”

She crossed her arms, stubborn. “No.”

“Oh my god.” He rolled his eyes and double-checked the lock before he stripped down and got in with her, nudging her back under the feeble shower spray. He figured he’d have to shower anyways, and the faster he got her back to bed, the better. “Rinse.”

“Do it for me.” She protested, resting her head against his chest. He sighed but tipped her head back into the water and massaged his hands through her strands, stilling for a brief moment when she let out a breathy moan. “Hey. Can’t do that.”

“Sorry, can’t help myself.” She excused, then reached up onto her toes to lather shampoo into his hair once he was finished. He ducked down a little so she could reach, pressing his head against her hand. “M’ gonna be hard if you keep that up,” he mumbled.

She giggled. “It’s just shampooing. And I think you’re halfway there.”

“It’s intimate.” He protested, nearly melting into her touch. He loved when she played with his hair, how gentle she was (except when she’d occasionally tug on some strands to get his attention).

After shampooing and rinsing his hair, she lathered soap between her hands and smoothed it over his chest, over his shoulders. He swallowed, watching her and feeling like his skin was on fire despite the warm water waning. “You’re still drunk.” He mumbled.

“Not really.” She pressed a kiss to his neck, then another, then along his collarbone. “I know what I’m doing.” His illogical side was beginning to give way to her actions, especially as she sunk to her knees in the shower, running her hands down his thighs. “Let me.”

“Baby…” He was hesitant and clearly worried about being caught, and reached down to tip up her chin. “You’re sure?”

“Yes. Although this is twice now that I’m getting cheated out of shower sex, kind of rude.” She grinned up at him.

“Sophie, I will fuck you in the shower all you want when we’re home - oh, shit -” He nearly gasped as she took him into her mouth, jerking his hips involuntarily. She gagged and immediately pulled off him, pinching his thigh. “Jesus, Rafe, trying to bruise my throat or something?”

“I had no warning! I’m sorry!” He exclaimed in a hushed whisper, fumbling for the shower faucet to turn it just a tad hotter as it rained down on his back. “I didn’t mean to, I swear.”

���I mean, we can try it, but another time, okay?” She smirked as his eyes went wide and she licked up the underside of his cock, carefully taking him into her mouth again. He let out a deep exhale and bit down on his knuckle to keep himself quiet, letting his head fall back against the shower wall. She continued bobbing up and down on him and when he looked down after a few moments, he nearly choked watching her touch herself at the same time.

“Sophie - let me -” He tried, but she just hollowed out her cheeks and moved on him a little faster, and he could tell from the way she hummed around him that she was close too - impossibly close. He pushed her gently off of him and hauled her up to stand, even though she protested, and traded places faster than she could think, hooking her knee over his shoulder and going straight in with his tongue.

She gasped, a little louder than intended, and he sent her a warning look. They could hear some giggles from down the hall, coming closer and closer, and she panicked, tugging at his hair to bring him up, but he refused to stand. “Be quiet.”

“Rafe you know I can’t -” She pleaded, then pressed her hand tight to her mouth when the door opened and he continued to eat her out with no sign of stopping. Realistically, there was no chance of getting caught unless they were heard - they were in one of four locked shower stalls and even Rafe couldn’t be seen over the top, despite his height. Another gasp caught in her throat as he flicked his tongue across her clit, faster, and she felt like she might black out when she came.

He looked up at her and she could barely see the blue rimming his pupils, eyes dark with lust. That was enough to push her over the edge and she couldn’t stop herself from letting out a not-so-quiet whine.

The girls’ conversation stopped out by the sinks and one of them spoke up, loudly. “Did you hear that?”

Rafe stood after working her through the orgasm - as always - and clamped his hand over her mouth, reaching down in between them to jack himself off as he whispered in her ear. “Don’t make a sound. You’re so good for me, Soph, so fucking special.”

She felt like her legs were jelly and her head was spinning, in a haze post-orgasm (and the excessive steam in the shower didn’t help). She pushed his hand away and kissed him, hard, grinning against his lips when he uttered a soft groan, painting her stomach with his cum.

He rested his forehead against hers, trying his best to breathe quietly, a different girl spoke up. “No, I didn’t hear anything. Probably just the shower faucet being weird.” There was a murmur of agreement and the group left, the door swinging shut to make a loud exit.

Sophie let out a small laugh of disbelief, shaking her head. “You’re…I can’t even think.”

“Incredibly sexy?” He supplied with a grin, nudging her back under the shower spray and handing her the body wash to clean herself off.

“Incredibly insane, more like it.” She shivered once she was clean and flicked off the faucet. “You went from no sex tonight to near-exhibitionism all within the span of a half hour.”

He glanced at his watch before wrapping her in her towel. “Forty-five minutes since we’ve been home, actually, it’s a miracle the water wasn’t ice.”

She patted herself dry and pulled on her clean clothes, scowling as she had to shove her feet into her mildly sweaty shoes. “Um. You need fresh clothes.”

“Right.” Rafe paused, then stacked his clothes on top of hers and wrapped her towel around his waist. “This’ll do. You leave first?”

“Good call.” She grinned and slipped out of the bathroom unnoticed, back to their room, and was under the covers when he returned. “C’mere.”

He tugged on clean boxers and called it good, slipping under the covers with her and drawing her close. “Sleepy?”

“Yeah.” She grinned to herself and pressed a chaste kiss to her jaw. “Baby.”

“Hm?” He closed his eyes, feeling like he could fall asleep at any second.

“You’re so easy.”

“Easy?” He echoed. “Maybe. Just for you.”

“Aw. Slutty just for me.” She grinned and rested her head on his chest, sighing contentedly when he wrapped his arms around her. “Good night.”

“Night, love you.” He mumbled.

“Love you too.”

_____

After another long day of exploring (and five gelatos, between the two of them), Sophie and Rafe agreed to meet up with Marco and Elena to go out again before they left. Rafe insisted on buying Sophie a better outfit for going out, despite her protests, and they ended up buying three outfits instead of just one. The night started out tame, with Marco and Elena actually sticking by Sophie and Rafe - until Marco kept buying more and more shots of limoncello and sambuca.

The sambuca shots came to their table on fire, and Rafe was a little too enamored by the flame by the third round he’d consumed (Sophie passed hers off to him, a little worried about her ability to keep an eye on him otherwise). When she noticed Rafe’s terrible typing on a Snapchat to Colin and James, she leaned up to yell in his ear. “Hey! I’m going to go get water. No more shots.”

“I’ll come!” He got up from his chair and immediately stumbled, gripping the table. Marco caught him by the arm, laughing. “I can watch him. It’s okay.”

She nodded and pressed both hands to his shoulders to keep Rafe in place. “Okay. You stay here with Marco, I’ll be right back, baby.”

“Promise?” He frowned, reaching out for her.

“I promise.” She pressed a kiss to his temple. “Stay.”

After fighting her way up to the bar, and poorly communicating that she wanted acqua, water, not acqua di cedro, an Italian liqueur, Sophie finally made it back to the table after ten minutes - just in time to catch Marco leaning in and kissing Rafe.

Rafe had leaned in a little too, misreading and thinking Marco was just trying to tell him something in his ear over the loud crowd. He jerked away with wide eyes just so Marco caught the corner of his lips, then abruptly looked around in shock to see if anyone else caught it.

Marco cocked his head, confused. “You are not interested?”

Sophie came up and handed Rafe the water, tucking herself into his side protectively. “What’s going on?” He gaped at her for a second then back at Marco, trying to gather his thoughts. “Interested?”

“In me.” Marco nodded. “We have been flirting.”

“We’ve been what?” He repeated, in shock.

“I’m his girlfriend.” Sophie clarified, gesturing between the two of them. “I thought we told you -”

“Yes, and I have my girlfriend too!” Marco nodded, tapping Elena on the shoulder and bringing her close. “What is the issue?”

“Oh, did you ask?” Elena brightened, sending Sophie a flirtatious grin. “Did they say yes?”

“I’m too drunk for this.” Rafe mumbled, pressing his palm to his forehead.

“Wait, wait, so. You two want to hook up with Rafe -” Sophie started, only for Marco to shake his head. “No, no, both of you. You for Elena.”

“I thought you could tell? We were flirting all week!” Elena exclaimed, and both Sophie and Rafe thought back to several incidents over the past few days that they’d just chalked up to the Italians being friendly. Kisses on cheeks, Elena telling Sophie to toss coins in the fountain so she’d meet her lover in Florence, Marco complimenting Rafe’s body multiple times when he came back in just a towel after the showers - shit, were they really that oblivious?

Rafe just groaned and dropped his head down to Sophie’s shoulder. “I’m so drunk.” She laughed, more out of confusion than anything. “Um, I’m sorry, I think there’s been a misunderstanding. We’re not really inter - well -” She paused, debating for a moment and glancing up at Rafe to make sure she wasn’t speaking for him. (In her defense, she wasn’t sober either.)

“No!” Rafe exclaimed.

She nodded quickly. “Right, right, yeah. We’re not really interested, I’m so sorry if we gave you the wrong idea.”

“Oh. I would not have kissed you, I am sorry -” Marco began to apologize, but Sophie shook her head. “It’s okay! It’s okay, he’s fine. Um, here, you can have these, I think I need to get Rafe back home.” She pushed their waters into Elena’s hands, giving them an awkward smile.

“Will we see you at breakfast?” Elena asked as she smiled back, completely unfazed.

“Um...yeah. Maybe. Rafe, c’mon, let’s go.” Sophie looped her arm around his waist and tried pulling him out of the club, and he just dragged his feet along. “I can’t believe he kissed me.”

“Shh,” she giggled as she hushed him, tugging on his arm. “Rafe, cooperate, please.”

“I’m trying, I’m trying.” He grumbled, standing slightly more upright and doing his best to walk with her once they finally made it out. She got out her phone to look up the directions back to their metro stop and he wiped his hand over his mouth, scowling. “I need a kiss.”

“You nearly got one from Marco.” Sophie quipped with a smirk.

“I didn’t want a kiss from Marco.” He lamented with a big sigh. “Need one from my girl.”

“Just one, then we gotta make it home.” She complied, rising up on her toes to give him a short kiss. He grabbed her chin, not so gently, and tilted it back up to give her another kiss. “No. More.”

“I’ll kiss you as much as you want when we get back. Will you please help me and walk to the metro? One block, then just two when we go to the hostel. You can do it.” She pulled out of his grip and looped her arm in his, trying to get him going. “Rafe. Please.”

“So whiny.” He mumbled, but followed along. “Sophie, baby, Soph.”

“Yeah, bud?”

“My legs feel like jello.”

She grinned. “Kissing Marco had you that weak-kneed?”

“Shut uppppp.” He whined, messing with her hair. She jerked away, swatting his hand. “Hey! Quit.”

“You quit.”

“Shut it.”

He was quiet for a solid minute and she could tell he was thinking something over, with the way his brow was furrowed and lips were pursed. “Sophie Flint.”

“Yeah?” She was grateful when they arrived at the metro, tugging him onto the empty car and scanning their tickets. She wrestled him into a seat and eventually ended up on his lap after some pushing and pulling, his forehead pressed to hers. “What, Rafe.”

“Were you gonna sleep with Elena?” He looked concerned and his hands gripped her waist a little tighter.

She laughed, pulling back to brush his hair out of his face. “No, baby, I wasn’t going to sleep with her. I didn’t even know that’s what they were trying for.”

“Oh. Good. I don’t think I’d like you sleeping with someone else.” He told her, closing his eyes a little as she combed her fingers through his hair.

Sophie held back another laugh, nodding. “Yeah? I didn’t think you would. Don’t fall asleep on me, buddy.”

“Boyfriend. Not buddy. Buddy’s just a friend. I can have other nicknames too though.” He argued, letting his head fall back against the metro walls.

“What other nicknames?” She asked, moving to get off his lap, but he just tightened his grip on her so she couldn’t.

“Hm…I’m okay with smokeshow.”

She snorted, nodding. “Alright, smokeshow. We can go with that.”

“Sophie.”

“Yes, Rafe.”

“I’m in love with you.” He declared, leaning forward and placing a kiss to the bridge of her nose. She beamed and leaned in too to bump her nose against his, then press a short kiss to his lips. “You’re very sweet when you’re drunk.”

“I need you to say it back.” He frowned, tugging gently at the ends of her hair.

“I’m in love with you too.” She grinned. “Adore you, even.”

He hummed, looking her over with concentration and a small smile. “I like the sound of that. Do we have to go to breakfast tomorrow? I don’t really wanna see them again.”

She laughed, shaking her head. “Our train to Rome is at seven, I was kind of hoping they’d be too hungover to remember us.”

“Hostel breakfast doesn’t open til 8.” He frowned. “Am I gonna starve?”

Sophie rolled her eyes and nudged her nose against his. “No. I’ll make sure you get food.”

“You’re so good at taking care of me.” He smiled sleepily, pulling her closer and dropping his head to her shoulder.

She beamed, combing her hand through his hair. “I try my best, baby. Always will.”

taglist: @whoeveniskendall @kkmaybank @karsinner @outerbanksbro @outerbankspreferences @randomficsandshit @jailcalledlife @tovvaa @moniamaybank @illbesafeforyou @dontjinx-it @freddymaybank @jjmaybankzz @g4bster @oopsiedoopsie23 @babygal-babygal @thecuthoney @babeyglo

#also this happened to one of my friends lmao it's not a weird take on italians #the story is just too good #i am 80% sure this gif is of florence but for some reason i am doubting myself even tho i have been there #idk whatever #rafe cameron #rafe cameron fanfic #outer banks #outer banks fanfic #obx #obx fanfic #frat rafe #college rafe #rafe x sophie #mine

[ayellowcurtain]

I can be your lover

Part 6

“I'm not sure if I should go…” Robbe says in an attempt to be reassured that it'll be fine. Nobody says anything but the awkward silence is a clear sign that they’re thinking. He looks around and nobody is as confident as he would like them to be.

“You two can't be in a room and not make out?” Milan asks with a smile on his face and Robbe knows he's asking to be annoying.

"Shut up.”

“No?!” He looks at Senne for support for his quick negative answer and the three laugh at Robbe's face. Zoe stops putting powder on her face and looking at her reflection in the mirror and turns her body around, looking at Robbe there, leaning against the bathroom door frame. They all look at each other like they’re talking inside their thoughts and Robbe is not invited.

"They're not completely wrong…” She finally says and Robbe whines, stepping back into the hallway, turning to one side to press his forehead against the white painted wood of Zoe’s and Senne’s bedroom door,

"But we'll be there with you! By your side all night long to keep you from jumping him.” Zoe reassures him, finally but Robbe doesn’t believe them anymore. He looks around again and they clearly still doubt any of that will work.

"We will?!” Senne frowns so hard he almost creates a deep and lasting crease in his forehead.

"What?!” Milan asks, outraged.

“Yes, we will. I'll even ask for Jens’ help.” Zoe claps her hands, excited with her plan and Robbe can't believe they actually think he needs that many people to keep him from making a scene, from letting it show how much Sander still affects his mood and overall behavior.

It's been years since they've last seen each other in person. Robbe thinks he learned to control himself a little better with all this time. It's not possible that he's a twenty-something man that doesn't have any control when his first - and only - boyfriend is around at a party, with all the people they know around, possibly keeping them apart for the whole night.

He doesn't know anything about the Sander he's about to see again, he might be a completely different person, someone who Robbe is not at all attracted to anymore. Everyone else still talks to him occasionally so all this worry and doubt makes Robbe think Sander might be even better and consequently more irresistible.

Zoe kicks the other two out of the bathroom once she's done with her make up and needs a quick pee before leaving her and Senne's home. She invited Robbe and Milan to join the pre game and when Robbe got there, he still wasn't sure if he was going to the main event anyway. He just wanted to hang out with them for a few hours, to try to discover if they knew if it was certain that Sander was going to Noor’s party too.

“Tell me, what are you worrying about?” Zoe asks as she pushes her underwear down under her long, vintage looking dress, sitting down to pee but still looking at Robbe, hoping he’ll explain it to her while watching her pee like it’s normal. Apparently women are comfortable peeing in front of him. Robbe sighs, not sure where to stand, deciding to sit on the edge of the bathtub, rubbing his face over and over with both his hands.

“Everything and nothing at all. He might very well look at me and have zero reactions or he can look at me in a judgy way that’ll make me remember how I was the one to ruin us and then it’ll be weird, I feel stupid for going and guilty and like everyone is staring at me, taking his side.”

He looks up at her, anxious, finding her surprised by how much thought Robbe has put into the possible scenarios he came up with by himself.

“...You’re being a little too dramatic.” She laughs softly, and Robbe bites his already short nails, looking at her, exhaling a long breath with the recognition from someone else that his emotions are making the possibilities worse than the reality will actually be at the party.

“How do you think it’ll go? Honestly!”

Zoe sighs, washing her hands and drying them, leaning against the counter to look at Robbe still sitting on the bathtub, squeezing the border to ground himself to pay attention to what she might say.

“I have no idea, Robbe.” She bites the inside of her bottom lip and Robbe waits for whatever it is to come that’s making her think twice about telling him, “You never really told me what happened in that last fight between you two…”

It’s been over a year since that last conversation on the phone but Robbe is pretty sure he remembers how it went with details like it was today. It’s his fault, sure, but he never thought they would have an actual fight, ever, not even when they were just friends before all of this.

Robbe had, again, no right to be upset or angry about what Sander was or wasn’t doing back at his new home, with his new friends and lovers. They never had a settled deal but Robbe thought it was obvious that he wasn’t going to be happy to see Sander with other people, no matter if it was the “no strings attached” bullshit. He was going to try and keep a straight face and not let it affect their friendship.

No matter if they were never actually fully together, Robbe was going to be jealous because that’s what he does when it’s about Sander. After so many years knowing each other, Robbe had in his mind and his heart, after everything they experienced until their first kiss, that Sander was the person that was made for him in this never-ending universe, no matter if that ever became a reality or kept as his private fantasy.

And Sander kept taking his hurt as a joke, as just a way of teasing Robbe, and that it would go away. It didn’t. Robbe was having a bad day that day, and he wasn’t feeling like hearing Sander’s tasteless jokes. He asked to change the subject, Sander was probably tired of the grey relationship they were having for over a year at that point and he was being mean right back at Robbe.

"I was too deep inside my insecurities. I couldn't keep my mouth shut and I had to tell him that I really liked him when he was about to leave, didn’t I? And then I constantly kept us at a distance while he was gone because it was the safer option, and he saw it and for some time he was okay with it, was letting life happen or whatever but I guess I was in a bad mood that day and he was tired at that point, and he kept making jokes about me not going to visit him and being jealous of what he could be doing there. And I got mad and he got mad because of it. He probably thought it would be fine in a few hours but I blocked him everywhere. And that was that. Now he's here and I wish I could hide and pretend I never acted like a 5 year old."

Zoe nods her head while hearing his rant, frowning a little bit, and she tries not to laugh at his desperation and Robbe slips to sit inside the bathtub, wishing he could stay there instead of going to a party that Sander will also go to.

It’s not like Zoe has anything to say to him after that and Robbe doesn’t wait for it. She helps him get out and hugs him tight, saying they’ll have a good time tonight.

He doesn't have a chance to decide if he wants or not to go through a night full of shame. Zoe and Milan drag him back home a few streets down Zoenne's place and Senne grabs some of his clothes in his closet and pushes against Robbe's chest for him to go change so they can go already. It's not at all an outfit Robbe would pick - seems too formal for him - but they're running late and even though Robbe doesn't want to go, he sees himself rushing when Milan says he has five more minutes. He looks at himself in his bathroom mirror and grabs his toothbrush to brush his teeth quickly.

Britt and Noor's place is on the other side of town - a much more artistic and hippie neighborhood - and the ride there is a little too fast to calm his nerves, squished against Milan in the backseat of Senne's sports car.

“What if he's like, married with a baby? Or if he hates me?” Robbe asks after pushing himself out of the black hole that is Senne's backseat, just between him and Zoe while the other two are still on the other side of the car.

She smiles fondly and tries to make his shirt look a little less wrinkled.

“He's not and I'm sure he can't hate you, it's impossible.” Robbe sighs because Zoe is his very good friend and would never tell him otherwise, "His hair is bleached again though.”

It's Robbe's turn to frown, surprised, his heart starting to beat even faster right away, “Why would you tell me that now?!”

“So you wouldn't be too surprised! You would give everything away the second you saw it anyway.”

"God, Zoe…” Robbe complains, letting the conversation die while Senne and Milan finally come to their side so they can cross the street.

He looks back and there are only a few cars parked close to Senne's and a vintage motorcycle. It has to be Sander's…

Robbe lets everyone go inside the building first, the elevator too and he's the last one on the line to get inside when Noor opens the door. He feels extremely embarrassed when she looks at him expectantly, hugging him tight like a mom that's hugging a son that just lost a very easy game. Like Robbe needed any more proof that this is going to be a disaster.

He walks inside carefully like he's walking into a minefield, trying to see where someone is without being seen right back. His safety net is gone, dissipated to go talk to different people as soon as they were all inside. So much for staying glued to his sides all night long.

Sander is across the room, in a corner, talking to some of Noor's friends that Robbe doesn't know very well. Once he's been localized, too busy to notice Robbe - or not caring enough that he's there - Robbe tries to calm himself down, look around the place to find someone to talk to. He feels like he's being watched but he can't bring himself to double check, scared of meeting eyes he’s trying to avoid.

Sander's hair is really bleached again like Zoe said it would, a little longer than what Sander usually likes or used to like. Maybe he changed his mind about his hair preferences too during the past years. Robbe likes it like this, softer and longer, with the dark roots peeking.

“Did you see who's here?” Aaron whispers in his ear and Robbe jumps, rubbing his hand over his ear to get rid of the tickle Aaron's breath created.

“You scared the shit out of me…” Robbe accepts the beer Aaron is offering him, with the same expecting eyes everyone seems to be giving Robbe tonight, “Yes, I have seen him.”

Aaron wiggles his eyebrows, sipping on his beer, “Did you two talk already?”

Robbe opens his beer, so tempted to just take one more look at the far corner on the left.

“No. There's nothing to talk about, Aaron.”

Robbe looks everywhere his eyes can reach without moving his body or head drastically. His anxiety is quickly building inside of him, quicker than he expected so he drinks a little more of his beer, unable to keep his mouth from going dry instantly after every sip.

It’s like his body and brain are fighting to decide what to do or to contain the other from deciding what to do. Robbe can’t think coherently and can’t move much, afraid to be caught doing something, anything. Anything feels like he’s doing something illegal at this point.

Aaron finally stops talking about whatever he was talking about and Robbe turns around, looking at the floor, wanting to go out to the balcony to see if he can breathe more easily there but he crashes into someone and he doesn’t have to look to know who it is.

“I was looking for you.” Sander smiles at him and Robbe stutters, not sure why Sander would be looking for him ever again.

“Hi…”

#wtfock #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #sobbe #robbe x sander #sobbe fic

[clonerightsagenda]

That's a really interesting explanation of Prospero (I never read The Tempest, and only saw a movie once, in which Prospero was Prospera, Miranda's mother. From your description, that's an... interesting choice.) I'd love to hear more about how Prospero connects to Cutter in this light!

Funny story - I've seen The Tempest performed twice, and the first time I saw it that production also had a Prospera. It does create a different vibe for sure.

Shoved under a cut because this got long.

As for Cutter.... both Cutter and Pryce reference The Tempest directly in the finale episode. Now, for anyone unfamiliar with the plot, the mastermind behind the Tempest is Prospero, exiled duke of Milan, who was usurped by his brother and exiled to a magical island. He wants to get revenge and reclaim his position, so he summons a storm (the titular tempest) that strands his brother and a bunch of other people on the island. From there, he manipulates them (and fakes a few deaths along the way) to try to get his position back.

This is fairly reminiscent of Cutter's backstory. In "Volte Face", he shares that one of his reasons for coming back to Goddard under a new identity was revenge after he was forced out by the board. He's the one trapping everyone on an isolated space station, and while the Hephaestus is no magical island, it is populated by spirits and strange music. He's pulling the strings, and he's happy to fake deaths as necessary. As a bonus, the spirit Prospero calls on most frequently is Ariel, and Rachel Young is played by Ariela Rotenberg. Almost certainly a coincidence, but a fun one.

Prospero's daughter Miranda, as mentioned in my last post, is crucial to his plans. She was exiled along with him as a small child, and she has no real frame of reference for the world outside the island. The quote "oh brave new world, that has such people in it" is her reaction to seeing new people for the first time. You can debate Prospero's level of genuine affection for his daughter, but he has no qualms about using her as a pawn in his games and even enchanting her to get her out of his hair. He's not exactly dad of the year.

Pryce's first name is literally Miranda, and we learn in the finale that she met Cutter when he was an "old man" and she was a "little girl". She was a lonely, isolated kid at the orphanage, and it seems she remained isolated as an adult. Maxwell, who works at the same company in the same field as Pryce, had no idea who she was in "Memoria". Whether Cutter legally adopted Pryce from the orphanage (which was my initial impression from the finale) or not, their exchange at the end of "Terms and Conditions" does not seem like an equal partnership to me. But reading it in light of these Tempest references... it doesn't not sound like a parent scolding a child who stepped out of line. A child who, like Tempest!Miranda, is key to supporting and fulfilling many of his schemes, albeit with her technical skill rather than her hand in marriage.

What's the function of this allusion? Well, besides amping up my hatred of Cutter by activating my long-established loathing of Prospero, it creates a glimmer of sympathy for Pryce. It doesn't excuse any of the monstrous things she's done, but it did encourage me to see her as someone who has been shaped into a tool by someone who has had power over her for a long time. And encouraging us to have that sympathy makes sense, because at the end of the show, Dr. Pryce is dead, and Miranda is left, and maybe she has a chance to be someone different now without her own Prospero calling the shots.

(It also lends itself nicely to strengthening some character parallels. By virtue of how they designed the characters, almost everyone mirrors everyone else in some way, but sometimes a podcast has a protagonist who's a bad dad and a big bad who's a bad dad and their adopted daughters who have their own fucked up pseudofamilial baggage trying to destroy each other in the finale. Happy fathers day.)

#wolf 359 #I would like to fight Prospero #tl;dr: Cutter and Pryce are lined up as Prospero and Miranda #which has some Implications for the power dynamics of their working relationship #and provides a tiny bit of sympathy for Pryce's situation

[chocoluckchipz]

A Soulmate for Christmas - 3

< Previous

"Dupain-Cheng. We need to talk."

Marinette stopped breathing, sinking deeper under the desk. 

Chloe groaned and took a few steps away. "Don't make me get down there and drag you out. And next time, make sure you aren't hiding right in front of a mirror. Be thankful I didn't out you to Adrien."

Marinette glared at her reflection peeking out from a corner of the mostly covered mirror she’d failed to notice. 

"I suppose you want my gratitude for your generosity?" she huffed, climbing out of her hiding spot to face her old nemesis.

"I’ll do without, but let’s make one thing clear—I did it for Adrien, not you."

"Oh really? I fail to see how this benefits him since, you know, he wanted to find me."

Chloe smirked and looked Kagami’s way. Marinette followed her gaze, only now noticing how intently Kagami was watching her. 

"So, this is her?"

"Unfortunately."

Matching smirks on their lips, Kagami’s eyes held restrained curiosity. Chloe’s? Disbelief. 

Marinette could feel the weight of their judgement increase with each passing second. She scoffed. This crap was tiring to deal with back in the lycée. Now it wasn’t even worth the fight. "Listen, I doubt either of you want me to come in and mess up whatever thing you three have going on, so how about you tell Adrien you mistook me for someone else, the waitress he spoke to was not Marinette Dupain-Cheng, and we all walk our separate ways?"

Kagami folded her arms over her chest, arching an eyebrow. "What about Adrien?"

"What about him?"

"He’s your soulmate."

"He’s engaged to you."

"Did you hear anything we said here?"

"Didn’t have much of a choice."

"Then, you’re aware that we’re faking it. There is nothing but friendship between us."

"So I’ve heard."

"And you still want to walk away?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"She’s always been weird," Chloe snipped. "Adrien deserves better."

Marinette scoffed. "No one deserves a soulmate who humiliates them in front of the whole country."

"You can’t really pick your soulmate, you know," Kagami said. 

"But I can walk away from one who respects neither me nor our bond. Fake or not, he chose to be with you. I’m not going to interfere. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back work." 

Kagami grabbed Marinette’s hand before she could take a step. "You don’t understand. It’s not something he’s doing because he doesn’t respect or want you. Adrien’s practically saving my life with this, risking everything he ever wanted to do so."

Marinette almost laughed. "How is fake dating saving your life, Mlle Tsurugi? Fake dating is for fiction, a good book for a lonely evening or a movie to laugh with friends about. In the real world, in our modern society, it's irrelevant. And especially for someone as powerful and influential as you. You don't need to fake date. You can just say a word and all your problems will float away."

Kagami’s grip on Marinette’s hand tightened as she seethed through her teeth. "You have no idea what you’re talking about."

"Oh, don’t I? I’ve spent enough years in the same class with Chloe to see how people in your circle solve their problems."

"You shouldn’t put everyone in the same basket." Chloe stepped in, wrapping her arm around Kagami’s shoulder. She leaned closer to Kagami, their cheeks starting to glow at the contact, Kagami’s with a bee mark, Chloe’s with a dragon. 

To say Marinette was surprised was an understatement. 

"Just because we live in different circles doesn’t mean our lives are easy or that our problems always go away with a snap of our fingers," Chloe continued. "If you want to think of me like that, fine. Whatever. But not Adrien and certainly not Kagami." 

"I still fail to see the reason why someone would need to fake date." 

Before Chloe could start talking, Kagami cut her off with a wave of her hand. "Marinette, would you mind hearing me out? If you still want to walk away after what I have to tell you, neither of us will stop you."

Perhaps, this was the quickest way to get this over with. Maybe, she was curious herself as to what was going on between the three of them. Whatever it was, Marinette pulled up a chair, sat down and waited.

Kagami settled on a couch while Chloe leaned on its arm. "I was born and raised in Japan in a very conservative family where traditions were the law and whoever broke them was excommunicated forever. When I was fifteen, my mother and I moved to France, and I got to know the more liberal approach to life the French follow. I met Adrien through our parents’ business dealings. We became friends, and for the first time ever, someone could understand me, the life I was living, and the feelings I was suppressing. He wasn’t in any better of a situation at the time, but at least I was allowed to attend a private school. Adrien was kept locked inside his mansion. Later, I met Chloe and discovered the soulmate bond we shared. I was happy for the first time in my life. That is until my mother decided I had to marry one of her business partners’ sons for the sake of the family’s interests."

"A much older male," Chloe scoffed, scratching her nose. "Disgusting."

"Fifteen years older," Kagami confirmed. "And he lives in Japan which meant I would be forced to move back and lose not only my friends but also my soulmate. I would be expected to be an obedient, silent wife for the rest of my life, confined to looking after the house and birthing as many children as my husband wished."

"Ridiculous!" Chloe huffed. "Utterly ridiculous."

Kagami patted Chloe’s hand in a comforting gesture. "Perhaps if I’d never moved to France I would have gone along with her plans without complaining. However, after I had a taste of freedom and saw how happy I can be, I knew I couldn’t give up all of this. Give up Adrien and Chloe. Give up my dreams for the future. So, I panicked and said I was already secretly dating someone and didn’t tell her only because I wanted to make sure it was serious. Mother would’ve never agreed to let me stay if that person wasn’t from her list of approved potential spouses. A list made up of very influential and wealthy people. Adrien was one of them."

"He’s on the list of every Parisian mother." Chloe huffed. "Sucks to be him."

"I couldn’t say Chloe’s name," Kagami continued. "Mother isn't against same-sex relationships, but she considers them just ‘practice’ for the ‘real ones’ because, apparently,  I need a man as a life partner."

"As I said, ridiculous."

"So, I said Adrien’s name, then begged him to play along. We never thought it would get out of our circle. We even developed a plan for how to get me out unscathed and free. Adrien and I were supposed to only play a couple until my birthday in November when I became a legal adult by Japanese law. When that happened, I started transferring my funds to accounts my mother had no access to so I could walk away freely. But that takes time, and two weeks ago she found out and demanded an explanation for the transactions. She threatened to send me back to Japan immediately if she didn’t approve of what I had in mind. The transfers weren’t done yet and she had enough influence to stop it.

"I freaked out again and said Adrien and I were getting married, so I was gathering my personal funds into my own account that I planned to join with my husband’s after the wedding. I told her we were waiting for a special occasion to announce the engagement. She wasn’t buying it. She gave me a week to prove my words. She put a hold on all the transfers until then. It was Adrien who suggested we take it to the media. That way, she wouldn't doubt us, and she’d be somewhat pressured to let me stay in France, at least for the time being. Once the article was out, my mother released the funds, and as of last night, I’m a free woman.

"No one was ever going to announce an engagement. My things are being packed as we speak while my mother and I are out of the house. I won’t be going home with her. I’m moving in with Chloe, and, thanks to Adrien, I’m not doing so without a penny to my name. Adrien never meant to hurt you. He never looked any other woman's way. All he wanted was to help a friend." 

There wasn’t much Marinette could do but remain frozen in her seat, stunned at Kagami’s words. Her defences down, she hated to admit that everything Kagami had said made sense. There was a reason. A reason good enough to justify this whole thing. She couldn't hold this against Adrien. Heck, if any of Marinette’s friends were in Kagami’s shoes, she’d be fake proposing to them too. So, if everything that Kagami had told her was true, then…

"Marinette," Kagami spoke more gently, watching her with a lot less hostility. "For as long as I’ve known Adrien, every summer, every vacation he got, he was travelling to Milan, attending every fashion show and just wandering the streets in hopes of finding you. He painted over and publicly revealed his soulmate mark only because he’s desperate at this point. His father’s been pressuring him to date for publicity for years. He gave him a break when he thought we were a couple, but that ends tonight. And let me tell you, Gabriel Agreste is not the person to care for Adrien’s feelings and desires. He’ll make his life a living hell if Adrien continues to refuse to comply. Please, Marinette. Give him a chance. He deserves it."

"I’m giving him your number as a Christmas present tomorrow," Chloe spoke up. "You have until then to think about it. Let’s go, Kagami. It’s time to set Adrien free and show the world who your soulmate truly is."

"Right." Kagami stood up, giving Marinette one last glance. "The choice is yours, but you’d be a fool to walk away from a man like him. They don’t come as kind, loyal and loving as he is these days."

The door behind the pair closed, leaving only the sound of Marinette’s heart echoing in her ears. She could hardly move. If everything she’d just learned was true, she owed Adrien an apology and, if he wanted one, she owed him a chance. Because while she would definitely want a chance with the man Kagami had just described, she had to wonder if she deserved one at all. 

With a sigh, she stood up and headed back towards the kitchen. 

Later. She’d find him later. First, she had a job to finish and sweets to serve. The rest would have to wait. They’d waited for years. What would be another few hours?

Next >

Read it on A03 FF.net WattPad

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#miraculous ladybug #adrienette #soulmates #adrinette #fluff #light angst #misunderstanding #happy end #aged up #no magic au #soulmate marks

[ravenbrenna09]

When Isak is Also Even

This story is partially based on this post and here’s AO3 Link

...

Since wtfock season 3 has ended, I dived further into the lore and mythos of the Skam universe. Skam was a fandom that I always followed (when it was trending) but it was really Robbe and his season that fully brought me into it. Now, I’m in the midst of watching through Skam NL—I’m at the very beginning of episode 5—and I’m planning on watching España later on because I just love all that I’ve seen with the girl squad. 

But, Lucas always surprised me as a character—but especially as an Isak because he always seemed to have Even-like traits. From what I’ve seen, he’s primarily headcanoned to go on and study art. Because of this, I decided to play around with the idea that he has equal traits of the two. 

Because of this, I wanted to explore the idea that our “Isak” is given the storyline that Even normally represents especially given that Lucas’s own mother is bipolar as well. But, I did write Lucas as closeted as the other Isaks typically are at the beginning of their season—maybe more so?—so that is something to note. Now, of course, this is all fun and it’s just something that I wanted to explore—especially in a one shot. 

but, this is also my birthday gift for @peaceoutofthepieces (who is currently still sleeping rn) and it’s basically midnight for me SO THAT MEANS IT’S OFFICIALLY YOUR BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALIE AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

It’s really short (about a length of a clip of Jij Verliest) but I wish it was so much longer but I couldn’t manage it. I hope you enjoy it <3

…

The second that an Even sees their Isak is when their story starts changing, for the better, and life goes on to form something more precious than it was before.

But, this story is different.

Lucas van der Heijden is an Isak—technically, in someone else’s story—but he moved to Antwerp to get away from his father who tried to control his life and breathe down his neck about his medication. His mother had encouraged him to do so—to try new things—and with the Academy sending him an acceptance letter, it seemed so perfect, to go live in his cousin’s spare bedroom and get away from his father. So, because of this, Lucas van der Heijden is also an Even—technically.

One day, in the midst of it all, Lucas spots someone who instantly has his attention. Because Lucas is technically an Even—as much as he is an Isak, the person in his sight is his Isak, in every sense of the word. But, his “Isak” also happens to be another’s “Jonas.”

...

Lucas van der Heijden

Standing in front of the classroom, his photography teacher, Mr. Maes, a recent graduate from the Academy who returned to teach, lectured on and on about the various lighting techniques and what they tell the viewer. Mr. Maes had his brown hair meticulously styled. Today, he decided to wear a long-sleeve black shirt that clung a little too tightly to his biceps and a pair of jeans that clung tightly to his hips. Despite Lucas’s interest in the class—photography was his favorite medium and this class was his favorite of the semester—his brain kept fading in and out of the lecture. 

For whatever reason, his eyes kept returning to the curves of his muscles with a frustrating intensity. It was ridiculous that Lucas was getting distracted by something that didn’t interest him at all—outside of an artistic standpoint, of course—and he kept trying to force himself into the lecture. But, his brain also seemed to remind him of the text messages on his phones, the ones his father sent him as a botched attempt to bring him home despite his upcoming exam.

Dad: Come on Lucas. Your mother doesn’t understand.

Lucas: Really? She seemed fine when I called her. I have an art history exam next week that I have to study for. But I guess I don’t understand.

Dad: Lucas, that wasn’t what I meant.

Lucas: I know exactly what you meant.

Shoving away the thoughts of his father’s texts, Lucas’s eyes drifted back to Mr. Maes. Lucas was talking about lighter settings now, but his voice was growing increasingly muffled as the seconds stretched on. Lucas could feel his mind working, mentally sketching the scene in front of him—Mr. Maes enthusiastically talking about the various types of lighting. Normally, Lucas was always attentive during this class—as mentioned previously, it was his favorite class—but his mind continuing to wander was frustrating, to say the least. 

His dad had to message him before his class, didn’t he?

There was a tap on his shoulder, jolting him out of his thoughts. Glancing around the room, Lucas realized that their class had been dismissed and Mr. Maes was conversing with several students who lingered. Lucas felt his cheeks flush, his thoughts returning to his head, as he tried to shove them away. 

Eager for a distraction, Lucas turned to the person who broke him from his trance. His classmate, and friend of about a month, was standing beside him with his leather jacket thrown over his shoulder. Sander Driesen was shorter than Lucas with short brown hair that was growing out. He always wore some sort of graphic t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans and Doc Martens. His Instagram was covered with pictures of him with bleach-blond hair—something that Sander insisted was returning as soon as his hair grew out again.

While they had bonded in the classroom, Lucas had met Sander two weeks before the semester starting… at their therapist’s office. Once they found out that they went to the same college—and found out they shared a class, they had become close. Sander was taking the class as an elective, but they still collaborated when given the chance. Sander knew about Lucas’s father and the spiral that ended with his diagnosis and his grief over leaving his mother. Lucas knew about Sander’s fascination for spray painting and his diagnosis at the age of sixteen and his artistic muse—his boyfriend who had hair that curled when it was too long.

A week ago, Lucas learned from his new roommate, Zoë, that Robbe, Sander’s boyfriend, had his room last autumn—but Lucas still hadn’t gotten the chance to physically meet him. Even though Sander had shown him every picture that he had of Robbe. 

Sander stepped out of his way to let Lucas out and they slipped past their professor, who didn’t seem to notice Lucas’s absent mind. But, Sander did, asking as they headed out of the college, “Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah,” Lucas said, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s just my dad being an ass, trying to get me to come home because my mom doesn’t ‘understand’ or whatever.” Sander scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I called her and told her that it was because of my Art History test next Wednesday.” 

“Yeah, those Art History tests can be brutal,” Sander admitted. 

“Thanks for the support.”

“You’re welcome.” 

As they stepped outside of the building, the sunlight shined down upon them. On most days, the sun was energizing and bright. But, today, it felt daunting and tiring to Lucas. It might’ve been his text messages with his father, but the fact he got little sleep wasn’t helping matters. His cousin was… loud and Lucas didn’t have noise-canceling headphones like Zoë had acquired. Before Sander stepped away, Lucas asked, “What are your plans for the day?”

“Robbe and I are going out to dinner with some of his friends,” Sander said. “What about you? Did you want to come?” 

“No, thank you though. I can’t today. I’m going to buy noise-canceling headphones and study some more for that brutal Art History test,” Lucas said. 

“Milan?” Sander asked, grimacing. Lucas fervently nodded his head and Sander chuckled. “Maybe, one of these days, you can get him back someday.” 

“I doubt it,” Lucas said. There was a flash of movement over Sander’s shoulder and Lucas’s eyes found it immediately. A person was running in their direction—or more specifically at them—with curly brown hair and a face that Lucas knew intimately for someone he never physically met. Before Lucas could even form a warning to Sander, Robbe was jumping onto his friend’s back. The force had nearly knocked Sander over and Lucas moved to help

Sander quickly found his balance, gripping onto Robbe’s thighs like a lifeline to keep him stable. The leather jacket that Sander held in his hand had hit the pavement and Lucas bent down to pick it up. His boyfriend’s legs were wrapped tightly around his waist and his arms bound around his shoulders. As Robbe pressed kisses against his boyfriend’s cheek, Sander exhaled, relaxing, “For fuck’s sake, baby, don’t do that.” 

“Sorry,” Robbe said, giggling with a wide grin on his face. Sander reached out his hand to Lucas, making a grabbing motion for the leather jacket, and he handed it over without hesitation. As if noticing Lucas for the first time, Robbe glanced over at Lucas. “Oh, you must be Lucas, right? I’m Robbe.”

Lucas chuckled, glancing at Sander. “Yeah, I know who you are.” 

“What do you mean?” Robbe asked. “I’ve never met—” There was a look of realization on his face and his cheeks flushed instant. Immediately, Robbe turned shy, burying his face in the crook of Sander’s neck. Lucas was barely able to hear a muffled, “That’s so embarrassing.” 

Sander chuckled. “Don’t worry, I only showed him the PG sketches.”

Robbe pulled himself from Sander’s neck to say. “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” 

“Woah,” Lucas said. He waved his arms as though he could somehow block out the newfound information tainting his mind. He covered his ears and took a step back away from the couple. “That’s too much information.” Still holding Robbe on his back, Sander nearly doubled over in laughter and Robbe gripped onto him tighter. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Sander. If I can even look you in the eye anymore.”

“You’ll understand one day,” Sander said, moving in the way Robbe had come. He lifted Robbe a little higher on his back as they walked away. “Goodbye, Lucas! I hope your dad stops being an ass and you study for your test!” 

“Thanks,” Lucas said. “I’ll do my best. Nice to officially meet you, Robbe!” 

“You too!”

Sander turned away, taking Robbe with him. Lucas watched the happy couple moved away from the school intertwined and holding onto each other. Robbe was still high on Sander’s back, clinging to him like a koala, and his face buried into Sander’s neck. The two of them looked so happy and proud, intertwined with one another so easily and simply. Lucas felt a sense of longing flash briefly in his chest as he watched their retreating forms.

Lucas moved in the opposite direction. His mind was already marking the path to the video store to buy a pair of the best noise-canceling headphones. As he pivoted to leave, his eyes caught sight of Sander and Robbe with someone else and—for whatever reason—Lucas halted to a stop without having gone too far away from his original destination. 

There was a tall guy was walking up to Sander and Robbe. Behind him, two guys were chatting loudly but Lucas couldn’t hear him—and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the guy in the center. The guy in question was taller than all of his friends, but his shoulders were slumped a little. Even though he had a maroon hoodie over his head, Lucas could tell that his hair was a jet black. Lucas could see his sharp jaw and the upturn of his lips as he teased Sander and Robbe.

He was beau—

Lucas cut off his thoughts, abruptly turning around. 

Lucas’s brain was screaming at him to turn around, to make up some excuse as to why he can join, simply to find out the name of the beau—no, the man there. But, Lucas knew that he couldn’t. It wouldn’t make any sense for him to change his mind now. Forcing one foot to move in front of the other, forcing himself away from the guy that had captured his attention, Lucas swallowed deeply as he tried to keep his thoughts even. 

Lucas had never been like that before. 

It wouldn’t make sense for him to be like that now. 

But, as he turned the corner, Lucas snuck a glance back to him—just to see the guy smile dazzlingly at Robbe and Sander.

...

Note: There was supposed to be a second part of this from Jens’ POV a few weeks later where Jens would actually meet him, but I wasn’t able to get it on time. I hope you enjoy this section and maybe I’ll do Jens’ POV after Jij Verliest ends?

#wtfock #skam nl #lucas van der heijden #jens stoffels #van der stoffels #vds #crackship #jens x lucas #lucas x jens #even!lucas #i just had a lot of fun playing with the role switches here lol #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #lucas and sander friendship rise #i felt like it would be such an amazing friendship #but i can dream #long post

[cupcakemolotov]

Go Where You Go

Written for @goldcaught, @thetourguidebarbie and @candycolamorgan who love this trope. I’ve been trying to write it for ages in a mafia setting BUT FOR ONCE my muse decided nah, we’re going to roll this as solid AH. This is 100% SFW and is mostly sweet and fluffy. Can’t think of anything that needs a warning other than the fluff?

Caroline recognized the smell of the hospital before she registered anything else. Hazily wondering if she’d fallen asleep in the break room again, she blinked open her eyes and tried to understand what she was looking at. She was definitely in one of slightly less uncomfortable hospital beds, and one of the nurses had clearly brought her extra blankets. 

It was the loud beeping of machines and the pulse monitor on her finger told her that she was definitely not in the break room. The chill from the IV bag definitely sucked as much as she remembered from her last bout with food poisoning. But the biggest clue was the man sitting across from her with his eyes closed. 

Her step-brother wasn’t part of her usual hospital experience. Blinking hard to make sure he didn’t disappear, Caroline cleared her throat. “Klaus?”

His head lowered immediately from where it had been tipped back. He looked tired, the faint start of shadows beneath his eyes matching the days growth of beard he usually kept to much neater stubble. His clothing was disarrayed and didn’t quite match, as if he’d pulled everything on in a hurry, though she spotted a bag at his feet. 

“Caroline. How are you feeling, love?”

Bewildered, she shifted her weight and immediately regretted the decision to move. Her right ankle hurt, though in a weird distant way. Glancing down at the end of the bed, she frowned. Was her foot in a sling? 

Finally recognizing the haze of pain killers for what they were, she looked back to Klaus and blinked hard. “What happened?”

“I was told things might be a bit fuzzy. You apparently took quite a knock to the head.” His eyes were sympathetic. “I’m supposed to ask what you remember before giving you details.”

She glared at his words and the curve of his mouth tilted at the edge. Huffing, Caroline tried to remember specific details. “Yesterday was Tuesday. We operate on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Our last patient’s procedure took longer than anticipated.” Caroline paused, and then frowned. “I took a Uber home.”

A hint of ire crossed his eyes but quickly disappeared. She appreciated his restraint. It was a fight they’d had before. None of her step-family seemed to appreciate that she was on a strict budget and would be for another two years. She was not spending thousands of dollars a year on a car service. Most of them had been smart enough to drop the subject after she’d shut Elijah down, but Klaus was stubborn. 

“The Uber didn’t make it,” Klaus finally filled in once it was clear she was done talking. “We had a bit of inclement weather come through yesterday. There was just enough sleet to make the roads slippery. I imagine you didn’t notice if you were in a procedure for several hours.”

Caroline pulled a face. “They moved the pick up zone to a different location in a garage. I didn’t even look outside, it’s been freezing for days.”

Klaus nodded. “My understanding is the other driver had just received his license; he over corrected.”

“Is he okay?”

“A tad traumatized though uninjured.” His face made it clear just how much sympathy he didn’t have for the boy. 

Caroline worked her lip between her teeth and tried to remember the events he described. Finally, shaking her head, she sighed. “I don’t remember the wreck.”

He nodded. “I’m sure someone will do a concussion test on you once they know you’re awake. You’re going to be here for a bit I’m afraid.”

She grimaced. “Is my chart close by? What’s the damage?”

Klaus gave her a long look. “I’m told doctors make terrible patients. Particularly surgeons.”

“I’ve completed five of my seven years of residency, after acing four years of med school,” she pointed out reasonably. “I can read a chart, Klaus. Have they scheduled an x-ray for my ankle? It definitely feels like something that needs to be looked at if they haven’t. Moving it was not awesome.”

Both of his brows lifted even as his mouth tightened at her admittance of it hurting. “You operate on brains, love. Not ankles. Let the doctors who have finished their schooling do their job.”

She scowled, carefully shifting into a more comfortable position. She knew that look. He was determined to be stubborn. “Why are you here exactly?”

“Ah, now that’s a bit of a story.” His fingers folded across his lean abdomen, and Klaus leaned back with a hint of something unreadable in his eyes. “Rebekah called me sometime in the early hours of the morning in quite the panic. You can imagine my surprise when she insisted that I make my way to the hospital. She was quite insistent that you were a patient instead of a doctor.”

“Rebekah?” Caroline repeated, brows furrowing. “Isn’t she in Milan?”

“Rome this week.”

That sounded about right. “So why did she call? Bonnie is my emergency contact.”

The flicker of emotion she had seen earlier was back and she didn’t know what to make of it. “So I was made aware.”

Squinting, she frowned at him. “Klaus. Seriously? Details.”

A hint of a smile touched his mouth and his shoulders finally seemed to loosen. “Your friend Bonnie called Rebekah. She is apparently on a business trip and not in the city, and whatever details were given to her were apparently not adequate.”

“Oh no.”

The gleam behind his gaze shifted to amusement. “While I appreciate why you’ve chosen not to make Bekah your emergency contact, you should perhaps consider adding her to your list. When she was unable to get additional information out of your nursing staff, she called me. Frantic and certain you were dying. You’re lucky I’m the only one stateside currently.”

She tried to disappear under the blankets. “Please tell me you’re the only one she called.”

“I’m afraid not.”

Caroline pressed her face into her pillow and groaned. “Noooo.”

“Hmm, yes.” Klaus said with a hint of laughter in his voice. “Finn put his foot down on the plane fetching Rebekah and Kol, as he is currently using it. Coming home would ruin his plans, though I’m sure Sage will sure will send a lovely bouquet of flowers.”

She groaned again, shoving her overly warm face into her pillow. There was a creak of a chair, and then Klaus’ warm hand curled around hers. “Caroline.”

She peaked at him, and a dimple creased his cheek. “Elijah and I both agree that having Kol and Rebekah around will just make matters worse. He’ll handle their dramatics. You, on the other hand, will have to deal with me.”

Underneath the rush of embarrassment from his teasing, her heart started to pound. Behind her, the heart monitor sped up and Klaus glanced at it with a curious expression. “It’s not that bad, love.”

Caroling snorted and pressed her free hand to burning cheek. “Says you. I miss being an only child. How long did it take you to charm your way past the staff? How did you even get in here? I’m pretty sure we aren’t in visiting hours.��

His smile was abrupt and dimpled, and something tightened in her chest. Her lips part but a loud crash in the hallway had his head swiveling, and it briefly gave her a chance to study his face. Of all her inherited family, Klaus was the one she struggled with the most. Mostly because she never actually managed to look at him as a brother, and no matter how she tried to ignore it, there was a spark of chemistry there that never went away. 

It helped that he hadn’t been around when she’d been trying to acclimate to his family. 

Her mom had married Mikael the spring of her sophomore year of high school. At the time, the custody agreement had her spending her summers with Liz and the school year with Bill. So Caroline hadn’t been around for the dramatics of their meeting - her mom had written the visiting recently widowed businessman a ticket for speeding, and he’d asked her to dinner. 

Shockingly, Liz had said yes. 

And while Caroline had approved the hallmark romance, she hadn’t liked the Mikaelson children’s suspicions about her mom. Her new step-dad had been loaded, and though there was a prenup in place, it’d been clear his kids had viewed Liz as a gold digger. She’d gritted her teeth because while Mikael was overbearing and not particularly kind to his older children, he’d been besotted with her mom. 

Since she’d spent her summers with her mom, she’d moved into Mikael’s giant house once they’d gotten back from their honeymoon. It had been her, her mom, her new step-dad and three of his five kids. That first summer post-wedding has been rough for everyone. Rebekah had hated no longer being the only girl, Kol had been a little shit, and Elijah has loomed like a silent specter of judgement. Finn, thankfully, had declined coming home from his fancy English University. 

Caroline had learned to adjust to a sort of territorial Cold War with Steven’s daughter, she thought she could handle the new family. At least at her new place she didn’t have to share a bathroom. But Rebekah and Kol were dramatic and nosey, and having a younger brother was not something she enjoyed. At all. Her summer plan for cramming in college credits in the peace and quiet had evaporated, the staff kept trying to clean her spotless bathroom, and Kol thought his pranks were funny. She’d gone back to school vowing to hate all of them to her grave. 

But not before she’d eked out a little revenge on her own. Her mom had called her when she’d landed in Atlanta and conveyed her disappointment that they’d had to shave Kol’s head, but Caroline hadn’t cared. He’d deserved it. And if he’d thought she’d be over his dickery by the time she got back, he’d been very mistaken. 

But Klaus hadn’t been around for any of that. He was a half-brother to Mikael’s kids, and when Esther had died, his Dad, Ansel, had wrangled custody. Both Rebekah and Kol had seemed bitter about it, but she had noted that both got regulars texts from him. It had been a few years before she’d met him properly, which likely contributed to her lack of familial feelings for him.

Sometimes she still wasn’t sure how she started to care about the Mikaelsons. They were all trust fund babies who were usually was missing the common sense God gave children, but she loved them anyway. But those first two summers, such a thing had seemed impossible. 

But then her mom had gotten sick. 

Not wanting to dredge up those memories, Caroline glanced down at his hand still covering her own and her lips curved at the sight of paint streaked across his knuckles. “I thought you’d sworn off painting until you recovered from the last gallery.”

“I had an idea or two that wouldn’t leave me alone,” he responded vaguely. “The curse of a muse, I’m afraid.”

She snorted and let her eyes close. “Rebekah will murder you if you end up painting through Christmas again.”

“So says the surgeon who keeps volunteering to cover the holiday shifts for her fellow residents. Avoiding us?”

Her eyes popped open. “What?”

His fingers slid through hers when she would have pulled back, squeezing lightly. “While you were asleep I had a number of very concerned junior residents who all wanted to assure me that they’d cover your shifts until you are back on your feet. They all drew straws to see who would take over the holiday dates this year, since your upcoming surgery will leave you unable to cover this year.”

“Surgery?” Caroline yelped, fingers tightening on his. “Klaus, where is my chart?”

“I’m sure the doctors will explain everything when they come in,” Klaus said without a hint of remorse. “Your minions were all quite concerned.”

She dug her nails into the back of his hand. “Why did they even talk to you about this? I don’t have you on any of my paperwork. They so know better.”

His smile was slow and satisfied. “One of them recognized me from some pictures on your phone from the night of my gallery. She wanted to know if we were dating.”

She refused to blush. The picture he was speaking of had been one that Rebekah had taken of them and sent her the next day with several pointed emojis. Something about the way Klaus had been looking at her, the placement of his hand on her hip, had left her breathless when she’d seen it the next day. 

“I’m going to murder them.”

His laugh was soft and his expression was fond as he studied her disgruntled face. “So are you avoiding us, then?”

“It’s not avoiding when no one is here,” she pointed out in exasperation, tugging on his hand. “Christmas isn’t exactly your family's favorite holiday.”

Mikael’s first wife, Esther, and their younger brother Henrik, had been killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. It had not been a cheerful holiday for the family since. Caroline grimaced a little and supposed she could let Rebekah’s dramatics of her recent accident go under those circumstances. Another holiday car accident was going to be hard on her sister. There was a lot of squish under the bitch. 

“Be as that may…” Klaus started, and she cut him off. 

“My mom was married to Mikael for less than four years before she passed. I didn’t like any of you for years. I’m still iffy on how Rebekah and I become friends, much less family. With Mikael gone, there isn’t much reason for you lot to stick around.”

Klaus tipped his head, studying her. “In this family, liking each other isn't necessarily a prerequisite, as you know. And I don’t recall you ever asking us if we have plans. Particularly since you moved back to Chicago to start you residency. Strange, since we are so close together.”

She blinked at him. “Should I have? Finn only tolerates me because I never ask for money. Can you imagine his face if I rang him up and asked him what the plans were for him and Sage over Christmas? Actually, you know what? Maybe I should do it. He’s been a dick to Kol lately.”

“Finn is a pillock.”

“He really is,” she agreed. “I kept hoping getting laid regularly would pull that stick out of his ass but it didn’t.” 

Klaus’ lips pressed together in a clear struggle to fight a smile. “Kol has expressed a similar sentiment, if I recall. Directly to Finn.”

“I bet that went well,” Caroline muttered, gaze brightening. “I’m sorry to have missed it.”

“You do dodge us.”

“Ha!” Caroline said at his droll tone. “You’re just jealous I have better excuses than you. Elijah stopped trying to talk me into his get together after I fell asleep on his couch after a nightmare shift and missed dinner entirely. I’m pretty sure he only invited me then because he has some weird sense of obligation.”

His look was amused. “And to think Elijah likes you. Can’t say the same for the rest of us, he’s made a comment or two that makes it clear he only tolerated our antics.”

She snorted. “Sure. And even if he does, can you imagine Christmas with Elijah? He had a dress code for everything. I don’t have the energy for the kind of outfit with he’d require for Christmas dinner. He’d want fancy footwear with a pretty dress and I just want my comfy Christmas pajamas. Last year I ordered in Chinese and ate out of the cartons for three days. Does he know what good take out looks like?”

“He isn’t quite that bad.”

Catoline rolled her eyes. “The last time he caught me watching hallmark romances, I could feel him radiating his disapproval on the other side of the mausoleum he calls a home.”

Klaus blinked. “He let you near the remote? He hides it now, because of Kol.”

“Apple TV.” She waved her hand. “As if it was hard to figure out. And for the rest of your siblings? Last I heard from Kol he was sleeping his way through culinary school and ignoring my warnings about gonorrhea being a superbug. I honestly cannot believe people actively touch him, but whatever. And Bekah? We both know we won’t see hide nor hair of her until she’s finished rage shopping after what’s his name had the audacity to break up with her before the holiday season.”

Her face darkened as she realized she was going to miss being Rebekah’s wingman for the upcoming parties. She would be determined to be seen this year, looking particularly hot, and whatever his name was would have a lot of regrets very soon.  While she would welcome the rest, she’d been toying with an idea or two to make him regret his choices. 

Oh well. Maybe she’d drag Enzo along to one of their parties once she was back on her feet. He seemed to like Rebekah and a little harmless flirting might brighten her day. 

Klaus’ expression had turned speculative. “And me? What box have you conveniently put me into?”

She bit her lip, trying to find the words to describe Klaus. Her first real memory of I him had been at her mom’s funeral. He’d sat next to her, warm and silent while his siblings had crowded around Mikael. She’d appreciated that. 

She had appreciated it again five years later when he’d sat with her at her dad’s funeral. By then, she and Rebekah had somehow become friends and not just step-sisters. They’d ended up at the same university, abd Caroline thought Rebekah would pretend she didn’t exist. 

She hadn’t. And somewhere in those four years of her undergrad, she’d started thinking of Rebekah, and sometimes Kol, as family. Actually having a quasi sister she liked had been weird. 

So when Rebekah had dragged her two favorite brothers with her to the Bill’s service, Caroline hadn’t been surprised. There was a lot of squish under Rebekah’s bitch. That the Mikaelson siblings had stayed after the service and helped her sort her Dad’s things, acting as a barrier against Steven’s grief and his daughter’s icy anger? It’d been nice. 

And after that, she’d stopped fighting them so hard on family dinners. Rebekah and Kol took turns bribing her into attending anyway, and she did like Elijah for all her complaints about his stuffiness. Even Finn’s attitude had become far more tolerable when she’d gotten into her residency of choice, but Klaus?

Klaus was the brother Rebekah drunk dialed to complain about her terrible dates from Caroline’s couch while refusing to drink a glass of water. He was the one who quietly glowered when she refused to get a car service instead of an Uber after late night shifts at her hospital. He was a little mean, exasperated at her most of the time and he had a with a truly terrible sense of humor. But sometimes the way he looked at her left her skin prickling. She thought about him in his suit at his art gallery, his hands and his lips, a little too often to be sisterly. 

Klaus was dangerous to her sanity, and letting him know that was probably playing with fire. If she let him in and it went badly, holidays were going to be a nightmare. But she was starting to wonder if it was worth the risk. 

“We’re friends,” she said slowly, finally answering his question. “Kind of.”

His thumb ran across her knuckles, but the hint of heat in his gaze left her pulse thudding. “Of a sort,” he agreed slowly.

“And you’re usually not here,” Caroline continued as if the motion of his hand hadn’t shifted to something more like a caress. “But hey, I’m sure I can find super tacky pajamas in your size if you’re feeling left out.”

“Your concern is noted,” Klaus said dryly, but there was something satisfied about his expression as he leaned back, fingers still tangled with hers. “But I’m sure I’ll live without your idea if tacky pajamas.”

“I might do it anyway,” she threatened. His expression was unimpressed, and she struggled to hold in a laugh. Shifting her weight, she winced as her ankle throbbed with the motion. 

Glancing at his watch, Klaus tipped his head as he clearly considered what he wanted to say. “The nurses should be here in another half hour or so for your next dose of meds. I’m expecting the on call doctor half an hour after that.”

She tugged at his hand, gaze narrowing. “Why do you expect him?”

He met her gaze steadily, dimple peeking from one cheek as his lips curved. “I spoke to him earlier.”

Caroline spluttered. “Klaus!”

He held up his free hand. “You were unconscious. Other than a brief discussion of what to expect in terms of pain management, they didn’t have much to offer at the time. Your ankle is a bit of a mess, sweetheart. It’s likely to need surgery, but you can quiz the doctor on those details once he arrives.”

She closed her eyes and tried to calculate what that meant for her residency and groaned. “God dammit.”

“It’ll work out. I have no doubt you’ll talk your bosses into what you need,” Klaus said soothingly, clearly understanding why she was upset. “You’re nothing if not persuasive.”

Caroine cracked a smile. “Thanks.”

He made a low noise of agreement and studied her face. “I’d like you to think about temporarily staying with either Rebekah or me once you’re out of here.”

“What? No!”

“Caroline,” he said patiently. “The elevator in your building has needed repairs twice in the last year, and Rebekah has been known to take the stairs to avoid using them. You’re on the seventh floor and she’s never met a sensible pair of shoes she has liked in her life. We have doorman who can assist with anything you need brought in, and your mobility will be limited. Think about it.”

She pressed her lips together tightly for a long moment before nodding. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good,” Klaus murmured. Finally releasing her hand, he leaned over and dug through the bag at his feet. He came up with an iPad and offered it to her. “Your phone hasn’t been recovered, but this should tide you over for a bit. If you’re eyes start hurting, put it down. No need to aggravate that possible conclusion.”

Smiling brightly at his bribe, she took it before fumbling with the remote to adjust the bed so she could comfortably sit up. Her ankle was heavily wrapped and she knew the discussion coming would be a fun one, and she really was sore,but it wasn’t the conversation bouncing around the back of her mind. Glancing at Klaus from the corner of her eye, she let herself look at him. 

Rumpled, tired and a lot scruffy, she wanted to smooth his curls in a decidedly non-sisterly way. 

After a moment, his gaze caught hers in question and she shook her head. Turning to one of the game apps she knew Klaus despised, something warm filled her chest. She was pretty sure she wasn’t going to be able to avoid whatever was growing between her and Klaus forever. 

And for the first time, she was looking forward to seeing what that could mean. 

#my fic #klaroline #klaroline fanfic #klaroline drabble #sfw

[zankivich]

Neighbors: Shawn x Plus Size Reader Chapter 16

a/n: this felt good to write. It feels like a natural progression. it’s a lot of y/n and a lot of internal reflection. I hope you like that. I hope that it’s worth it in the end. I really tried to do them justice. 

Warnings: some really sad, angst smut. some internal reflection on past traumas. mentions of alcoholism. 

*y/n point of view*

“W--What?” He whispered. “Wait, what?”

“Shawn I--”

“Not right now! I just need a minute okay?!”

You listen to him to shuffle around probably in order to find a place to be alone. This definitely isn’t how you thought about telling the news. In fact you weren’t quite sure you’d ever share it with him at first. But, now he’s here offering you everything you ever wanted...at least up until twenty-four hours ago. And you can’t help but feel like it’s too late.

“Listen, I know I fucked up. I know I fucked up worse than anyone ever could but...we’re us! I can’t even imagine us not finding our way back to each other. There’s so much for us to talk about, and I have so much to make up for...Just let me come home and we can talk and--”

“There is no home anymore.” You interject.

You can hear his heart accelerating. This was usually the point where you reached for his hands to still them. He just happens to be on a different continent at the moment.

“Y/n what are you saying? Of course there is. We’re neighbors. We--We have each other’s keys.”

“I’m moving out of my apartment.” You blurted.

“You’re moving?” He gasped, voice a little shallower, a little more wet. “Honey you--you don’t need to do that. Please, don’t do that.  I know that I hurt you and I’m so unbelievably--”

“It’s not about you. Well, I guess maybe it kind of is, but not like that. Gina offered me a six month sabbatical. She’s gonna let me keep my salary, and I basically just get to travel the world I guess? Do some soul searching? I don’t know I’ve never really gone to many places besides Canada. Till I met you. This is my chance. To get a clean break, to figure out who the hell I want to be.”

You know it sounds like it’s a clean break from him, but it really isn’t. Or maybe it is. There’s far too many details for you to have it all figured out.

“That is...That’s so beautiful. I’m happy for you. It’s uh--it’s what you deserve.” He mumbled. “What does that mean then. For you and me.”

Wasn’t that the million dollar question?

“I think it means that...I’m gonna do my thing, and you’re gonna do yours.”

It sounded so much easier said than done. It sounded as if you hadn’t spent the past month crying over him, like your whole world hadn’t shattered the moment he left you.

“But I--I haven’t been able to breathe since you left.”

There’s a small part of you that finds comfort in his struggle. Not maliciously. But the break up had killed you in a way that no other moment in your life had ever quite accomplished. You felt like a little kid again, when everything that happened was the most important thing to ever happen. Shawn had made you feel like the world could be so much better than you ever thought. He had made you feel happy and special and important and sexy and everything that only you had been able to make yourself feel so long. And when he was gone, all of your training on how to do it yourself was gone. You felt shallow. Lost. Broken. Knowing that it might be possible that he felt the same way made you feel a little less crazy, if only a little.

“I wish that I could allow that to matter right now. I want that to matter but...I don’t think it’s healthy for me to put you first right now. And I don’t think it’s healthy for you to do it either.”

“But you’re...you’re my best friend. I love you so much.” He sniffled.

You closed your eyes as the tears found their way to you again. It’d been weeks and still you couldn’t control it.

“I love you too.” You sighed through the tears. “But maybe we need to learn how to do it on our own for a little while. Maybe that’s what you wanted when you left me and you just didn’t know how to say it.”

He’s silent for a long time. And you don’t know what to say so you stay silent too. It still hurts. There’s still a festering deep inside that you don’t know what to do with. And you don’t want to hate him because he means too much for that. So all you can do is hope and pray that he lets you do this, because it might be the only way to salvage your memories of him.

“Can I ask you something?” Shawn asked, voice soft and withdrawn.

You nodded as if he could see you.

“Yea.”

“Did you take your necklace off?”

It feels left field at first. You peer down at your neck where the swallow still is, and you think maybe you know what he’s getting at.

“No, I didn’t.”

He took a deep breath and let it go, voice a little lighter.

“Okay. Okay, if this is what you need then of course. I’d be a piece of shit to try and stop you. Whenever you’re ready just come find me. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

“Shawn what if--”

He interrupts you this time. “I’ll wait as long as you need, y/n. You’re all I’ve got to wait for.”

It’s final. He’s not willing to discuss it, and a part of you can’t help but want the security of hoping that he’ll still be there no matter what.

“Just don’t...don’t cancel your fucking tour idiot.” You huff. “You love music more than anything.”

“Not quite.” He admitted softly. “Not anymore.”

There’s another weighted silence between the two of them. Another round of having so many things that you want to say to someone, and there just not being enough time.

“I’m gonna go now. Congrats on the show tonight...you looked good.”

You can practically feel him smile. “You watched it?”

“I did. Good night, Shawn.”

“Good night, y/n.”

***

The first place that you fly to is coincidentally Italy. After a little research, it seemed to be a good time of year, less touristy, and you actually had some pretty good flyer miles after all the trips to see Shawn. You rent a small little place on airbnb near the water and it’s literally just you, just you and yourself and no one else. Sure, it wasn’t that different than life before your relationship, but in the aftermath of the break up it felt like a completely foreign concept. You woke up and the day was yours. There were no projects, no phone calls to be made, no marketing meetings or logistics. The most complicated part of your day was whether or not you were going to go down to the beach in a bikini or not. The answer was, abso-fucking-lutely you were.

There’s sunshine and warmth and so much fucking food everywhere. And you’re alone. And that’s okay. It needs to be.

At first it’s all about filling your day with things. You try out five different restaurants, go to three bars, and find a place to get gelato in between. All in one day. You post pictures on instagram with your tits out on full display in a bikini that was sure to make the masses upset, and you just didn’t care. You weren’t doing it for anyone, but yourself. It was your body and your happiness and you were responsible for both. At the end of the day you’d get back to the villa and pass out immediately. But, it meant you weren’t thinking, weren’t reveling, weren’t hurting. Or, so you thought.

You visit Rome, Venice, Florence, and Milan. You’re sitting on another beach somewhere with your toes in the sand and your body wet and warm on a towel when your phone starts to vibrate.

Shawn: Can we talk right now? Need to tell you something.

y/n: I suppose so.

“Hi.” He murmured softly.

And there it was. That thing in your tummy, whether it was a tightening of the muscles, or a flipping of your internal organs. It was a feeling that no one but him could ever make you feel with such ease.

“Hi.”

“You’re in Italy.” He noted. “It looks beautiful. I’ve always wanted to vacation there sometime.”

“How’d you know?”

“Oh you uh...your insta. All the pictures of the--the you know, sites and what not.”

You snorted and let your head nestle back into the comfort of your towel.

“Yes the sites. Surely this has nothing to do with the bikini pic I posted this morning.”

“Bikini, aye? No I guess I missed that one. Must be the timezones. I’m sure you look incredible though. Probably even breathtaking if I were to see it. Which, I have not yet.”

It is incredible how easy it is for the two of you. How quickly you can just fall into that comfort. He had really become your best friend more than anything, more than a lover even. When shit happened to you whether it was good or bad, you could never think of anyone else to talk to. Shawn was always your person. And that’s a hard habit to break.

“Okay big guy, why don’t you tell me what it is you need from me.”

“Right. Well I uh I’ve been writing a lot lately. And uhm, it’s been really helping me in terms of getting through the tour and trying to reestablish some of the passion that I felt like I lost.”

“Well that’s great. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Sure, I guess. Thank you. The uh label wants to do a few releases while I’m on tour. The way music is being released in the digital spotify age now is so incredibly competitive that artists are kind of heading in the direction of having singles between albums.We can thank Ariana for that.”

You smiled softly. “I’m sure there’s a point in here somewhere.”

“Yes. It’s just that...all the songs that I’ve written are completely and totally about you and for you. And I know you’re in Italy and you might be going somewhere else soon, but I didn’t want the first time you here these lyrics to be on the radio somewhere. I wanted it to be because I shared them with you.If you’re willing. If you want to hear them.”

It’s a lot to ask, which definitely explains him wanting to call. In all of your time traveling you had yet to actually sit down and think through some of the hurt that Shawn had left you with. You hadn’t even begun to touch the whole, “is he the one thing”. The fear was that by listening to these songs it might set you back in your healing, in your ability to move on. If that was in fact what you were doing.

“I--I don’t know. Are they sad?” You mumbled.

He chuckled. “Well, If I Can’t Have You was originally a ballad with a super dramatic piano. I think I might have played it that night I called you? It was a lot sadder then. Teddy helped turn into what I’m being told is a ‘summer bop’. I’ve got both versions if you want to hear them”

“Will either of them help me understand you more?”

The real question of course being was it ever going to explain how he could be supposedly in love with her, and then drop her like a bad habit all at once.

He paused. “I’ll answer any question you have, honey. You know that.”

Yea. No thanks.

“‘M not ready.”

“Okay. Okay, that’s okay. I can be okay with that.How about I send you the files in an email and you just...just listen whenever you want. If you want. I’ll send you the release dates too.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Well uh… I guess that’s all I had to say.”

“Goodbye Shawn.”

You tossed your phone into your beach bag and close your eyes stubbornly. You really needed to get him off your mind.

***

Your birthday finds you getting a deep tissue massage that is the most action you’ve gotten since leaving for the damn trip. It’s an insignificant birthday and you had been traveling so much that it doesn’t feel all that special in the grand scheme of things. You reply to the birthday texts. Do a facetime call with Stu so he knows you’re still alive. You get day drunk and walk through old cobble stoned streans looking at beautiful buildings and not having to say a word to anyone, because they wouldn’t even understand you if you tried. It’s lovely. Shawn doesn’t call and it’s fine. You’re fine.

There’s a beautiful restaurant that sits on the edge of a hill right where the sun melts into the earth as it sets. You feel oddly at peace as you eat, your sixth glass of wine from the day twirling in your fingers when your phone goes off.

Shawn: Hey?

y/n: Yea?

Shawn: I just wanted to say happy birthday. I planned on calling but I think you’re like 10 hours ahead of me right now and I’m stuck on vocal rest. I also didn’t really know if you’d want me to.

It soothes a broken part of you that thought that he’d forgotten. After All you’d never actually gotten to spend a birthday with him since you’d met in the fall. A part of you wants to cry a little bit, but you’re not drunk enough to be that honest with yourself.

y/n: No worries. You don’t owe me anything.

Shawn: Yea, well I never needed to owe you anything, I just always wanted to give you everything. I’m sorry we’re not spending this day together. It would’ve meant a lot to me to celebrate you.

y/n: yea. Probably would’ve been fun. We always knew how to party.

Shawn: I got you a present months ago but I can’t send it to your apartment anymore obviously, and I didn’t know what part of the world you would be in. Maybe you’ll let me give it to you someday.

He sends you a picture of this book. It’s got no words on the front, just a pretty smooth cover. It isn’t until he describes it to you that your whole world falls apart. He’d somehow managed to scrape together the recipe for every single thing you’d ever made together, or for him, and had someone make it into an actual book. It was literally a story of your relationship and your love through the thing that mattered to you most. He had left some empty pages in the hope that you would continue it together. And that just stung worse than anything.

The waiter sends you a very worried glance as you begin to sob over your pasta. But really, what else was the alternative? What other result could there have been?

Y/n: well shit Shawn. That’s really fucking sweet. I’m sobbing over my bolognese.

Shawn: I never wanted to make you cry. I’ve only ever wanted to make you happy. I love you. I know it’s not fair right now. But it’s my truth.

Y/n: I know, Shawn. I know.

Shawn: I didn’t mean to mess with you on your birthday. We can talk another time. Just have fun alright? Buy a round on me okay?

Y/n: I’ll do my best. Bye Shawn.

Shawn: Bye.

He venmos you enough to buy a round for a whole damn bar. You try not to think about how much it hurts when you find a place to take a shot. You try not to think about him at all.

***

You’re drunk. You’re in a foriegn city that is so beautiful it hurts and your body is full of alcohol. You kind of want a french fry. There’s man on the dance floor who’s been eyeing you all night and it hasn’t even occurred to you to give him the time of day. Even now, right now, if it weren’t for how good the music was you probably would’ve gone home. But instead you let him buy you a drink. And you let him take you on the dance floor. He’s good with his hips and he’s good at manipulating your body. It’s fun.

You’re wearing a dress that stops mid thigh and he tugs at the fabric as you grind to the beat. You’re not sure where the cut off is, where it goes from being dancing and fun to this level of discomfort. Perhaps it’s when your mind sends you an image of Shawn at New Year’s doing the cabbage patch for you. Perhaps it was the reminder than no one but Shawn had touched your body in months, and that you have been so fucking okay with that fact. For whatever reason you pull away from the guy and stumble home with tears of frustration, bitterness, and a little hurt in your eyes. You’re still not processing. You’re deflecting.

In your bed that night you can’t help but reach for the phone, your fingers doing things that a sober you hopefully would’ve known better about. But in the moment your fingers are tugging at this thong that Shawn had pulled off with his teeth once and when it comes to wanting and longing, he’s the only one that you can find yourself reaching for.

“Y/n? Sweetheart it’s two oclock in the morning.” Shawn groaned across the line. “What’s wrong?”

You peer over at the alarm clock on the bedside table. Wherever he is, you’re in the same time zone oddly enough. Maybe it was fate instead of a stupid ass drunken decision.

“I can’t fuck anyone else.” You mumbled.

“I’m sorry?”

“I can’t...I can’t even think about the prospect of sex without your big fucking head in the picture.”

You giggle a little to yourself fingers probing gently at your entrance. He was silent for a long while, long enough for your drunk mind to startle when he finally speaks.

“Were you...was there someone?” He asks quietly.

You roll your eyes up at the ceiling. “No. Just some guy I danced with for a song or two.I don't even remember what he looked like.”

He takes a deep breath and you wonder aimlessly what the hell you would do if he fucked someone else. How that might make you feel. You’d rather just fuck him instead.

“Well, it sounds like you’ve been drinking. Are you somewhere safe?”

“Yes. Where are you?”

“I’m in my hotel room, honey. It’s the middle of the night.”

Men. So naive.

“I miss you.” You hinted.

“I miss you too, y/n. So much.”

Your thighs clenched in agitation and you huffed up at the ceiling.

“No Shawn. I miss you. Please try to keep up here.”

It takes him a minute.

“Oh...oh. I don’t know about that. You’ve been drinking.”

“Have you ever known me to do something that I don’t want to do?” You asked him. “I’m consenting, Shawn.”

“I--I know I just...I don’t want you to ever regret us. Or anything that we’ve done. I’ve made such a mess of things, y/n. And I really, really want to be able to fix them. I love you.”

You’re not exactly in a talking mood. This isn’t about anything more than the fact that you need to get off and for whatever horrid reason, he’s the only one you can do that with. There’s still something ugly and mean in your heart. And you’ve not yet reached a place where anything positive is going to come out of this.

“Look, this is a virtual booty call. Nothing more, nothing less. Either you can do the one thing that you’ve never hurt me with, or I can go to bed a little frustrated. It’s up to you.”

It’s manipulative. You’re tapping into his incessant need to make you happy, and also into this very wounded part of himself that knew that he’d failed you, knew that he’d done something wrong. None of this is healthy. None of this is okay. But you don’t care. You just want to get off, and yea maybe you wouldn’t mind if it hurt him a little bit too.

“Okay. Okay, what do you want me to do?” He whispered.

“I want you to touch yourself.” You hum fingers dipping into your core where you’re already wet and needy. “Just like I am.”

There’s something about it being something that you’ve never done before that makes it feel not as wrong. Shawn was a little skittish about saving anything to his phone, so sexting and phone sex had never gone on the table. Tonight you’re just tapping into the ability to make each other feel something, to make each other reach heights that no one else can.

“I miss stroking you,” You admit softly.

He sighed. “Really?”

“Yea. You always get hard so quickly for me. I just have to trace my finger over that one vein and your thigh always twitches. Is it twitching now?”

His voice is a little lighter.

“Y--Yea.”

“Do you miss my mouth on you?”

“God, y/n. Of course I do. No one’s ever sucked me off like you before. You take me so good.”

You bite your lip to stifle the moans and it’s only because he’s not there to make you be loud, to tug at your lip with his thumb as he pounds you. But then you remember the reason he’s not there and it’s like starting all over again.

“Want you to touch me.” you mumbled trying to clear your mind. “What would you do?”

Shawn at first glance was the adorable puppy dog type. That surely didn’t translate to the bedroom. He had said some of the filthiest things to you with a single curl hanger over his eye and no one, not even his fans who seemed to know where he was at every waking moment, was around to witness it. Even now, with all of the distance--both physical and emotional--between you, he can still get you going immediately.

“I guess I’d just want to eat you out. I love the way that you taste. And the way you always coat my mouth with your juices. I just...fucking love pleasing you. Nothing gets me harder than when you grind against my face and make yourself cum.”

Your back arches and you groan out into your hotel room.

“God when you bump your nose against my clit, it drives me crazy. And when you suck on my thighs?”

“Fuck. Love marking you up. I miss the way you cry out for me when I make you squirt. Have you squirted since we made love last?”

You bit your lip an upset feeling hitting your stomach that you couldn’t rationalize, couldn’t understand. So you just tried to make it go away.

“No. No one makes me squirt like you.”

“Miss you.” He whined, voice breathy and desperate. “Miss the way you clench around me when I’m inside you.”

Your fingers speed up on your clit, your hips buck a little bit. He’s getting you there already and it’s wild.

“Fuck, Shawn!”

“Are you close?”

“Mhm. Are you?”

“Yea. Fuck baby I wish you were here.”

“Shut up. Not now. Just make me cum.”

Your words both turn to pants as you grunt and cry out for one another. Your orgasm builds in your toes and ripples through your entire body. It’s the first orgasm you’ve had since Amsterdam. For a moment it’s just the two of you trying to catch your breath. You’re drunker than you were an hour ago. There’s no doubt. He makes you fucking crazy.

“Y/n...What was that?” Shawn mumbled.

“I don’t know. I--I don’t know. I gotta go. Good night.”

***

There’s a bad taste in your mouth when you wake up the next day. Part of it is whatever the hell you drank the night before, which was quite frankly a little hazy. But, there’s something else there too. And you’re not even sure what it is at first. You’re naked in bed and the sun shines in through the windows so you dive under the covers to get away from it. And that’s where your phone is. That where it all sort of falls apart.

Shawn: Hey I’m sure you’re still asleep but I can’t really get this off my mind and I just needed to be honest with you.

Shawn: I can’t do that, whatever that was last night, again. Idk why but it just made me feel weird. I kinda feel like maybe you were using me or trying to get back at me? Which I guess I deserve

Shawn: I know I fucked everything up. The thing is is that I love you. I never stopped. And I don’t think I ever could. So just go figure your shit out. However long that takes, and I’ll be here waiting. But we probably shouldn’t talk for a while. I think it could help us both. I love you honey. So much. Have a great rest of your trip.

Your heart drops to your stomach as all the memories come rushing back. And it wasn’t just him being able to make you cum at all. It was his hesitance. It was the intimate sharings of your thoughts and feelings for him when your relationship was in such disarray. You told him things that night that had never come up, and he offered you the same. It wasn’t the right space, and yet you had given him an ultimatium as if him having phone sex with you would help anything.  He seemed to know you better than you knew yourself. Somehow you had hurt the both of you last night and you had nothing to show for it. If Shawn was willing to go without speaking though it meant you had truly, deeply hurt him. You had thought that might help make you feel better, but it had the opposite effect of course.

You don’t know what to say so you don’t say anything. And you can only hope that that doesn’t hurt him even more.

***

You take a ferry to Barcelona. And listen to Ed Sheeran’s Barcelona far too long. You spend a long time looking at the water and applying sunscreen and trying to remember another time in your life where you felt so out of touch. In college you had been entirely school focused, except for all the drunk shenanigans you and Stu would get up to. And then it had been the career and making yourself stable enough to never have to return home. Somewhere along the line after one too many assholes, you had stopped trying to find a relationship entirely. So you did hook ups, you did casual sex, and that was it. And that had been perfectly fine.

The problem with Shawn was that he had created a need in your heart that you weren’t prepared for. His yearning to know you in all of your complexities, to be there for you, to support you. No one had ever offered that before. And it wasn’t that you’d grown used to it necessarily, but dammit you had begun to try. It just so happened that for every wall he knocked down, there were five more already up and at attention. You weren’t perfect by any means. You were honestly probably a little fucked in the head. But you loved him. You had given in at some point. And he let you down. So, why in the entire hell should you allow him the opportunity to do it again?

There seemed to be a part of you that was jumping up and down and screaming, “I told you so!”. It hurt. It hurt so bad. You kept reliving the moment when it connected for you. When you realized that he was leaving you, he was just too much of a coward to say it out loud. You weren’t good enough. Not for Shawn. Maybe not for anyone long term. The thing that you had known all along from the beginning had come true with such startling reality. You had just been beginning to let go. You weren’t sure that you could do that again.

You stay at this beautiful bed and breakfast type place that was nestled right in the heart of the city where all of the museums and the shops were. You visit the La Boqueria, this large market that seemed to serve anything known to human. You spent an entire afternoon at one of the bars drinking and watching the locals. It was revitalizing in a way.You read books and sit in cafes and look at the architecture of everything around you. It’s all sort of beautiful and historical and vastly different than home. It’s perfect there.

It’s at one of the cafes that you meet her. You’re sitting there in a crop top and shorts reading a book when she comes over to you. She’s got a headscarf on that is this brilliant shade of red and gold. Her skin is a rich bronzed color that is elevated by a full face of makeup with a highlight that could cut stone. She’s maybe one of the most beautiful people you’d ever seen in your life. And she walks up to you of all fucking people. Needless to say you’re a little tongue lied.

“You are American no?” She asked.

“Uhhh...no. No actually I’m Canadian. We’re the nicer versions.”

She giggled. You smiled.

You hadn’t stumbled across many people who spoke english. So you welcomed anyone willing to pity you with a conversation.

“Canadian. Ah, okay. Well, Canadian girl, I cannot help but notice how sad you look. What’s wrong with you?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Well damn, is it that obvious?”

“I would say yes. Can I sit?”

She doesn’t wait for an answer before she’s already sitting across from you. In canada, you could offer someone a seat and they’d apologize before sitting down. What a culture shock.

“I’m sorry. You are one of the most beautiful humans I’ve ever seen, and I’ve apparently been to the grammys. However, I’m a little confused as to what I can do for you?”

She smiled again. “Why thank you! My friend from the UK sent me a fenty highlighter. They’re not available here yet. Does Riri not know that I need to sparkle? Anyway I’m not sure you can do anything for me. I think it may be what I can do for you. So, what can I do for you?”

“I’m...confused.”

“My grandmother grew up here. I used to spend my summers with her until I moved here entirely to take care of her. My mama, she would always say, sometimes there is a need that cannot be seen, cannot be named, but it can be felt. And when you feel it, you must give into it. It is the only way to fix the issue. I feel your need, Canadian girl. I am here to help.”

“Y/n. My name is y/n.” You snorted softly.

“Y/n, I am Priyanka. Girl you should, as the internet tells me, spill the tea.”

Oh lord.

You peered at her in caution. She didn’t scream crazy fangirl, but that certainly didn’t mean anything. She seemed to be in touch with popular culture enough to know who Shawn was. You could only imagine flying back home only to find out that you had accidentally aired all of your dirty laundry directly to the tabloids. But also, she was kind of nice. And still startlingly gorgeous. And there really couldn’t be a ton of pressure there, because you didn’t know her at all. What was the worst that she could do? Leave the table and judge you only for you to never see her again? You had gone at this trip to find some healing, to hopefully recenter yourself a little bit. How could you manage that without a little effort?

And so you tell her. Not that you were kinda sorta dating Shawn Mendes, but that you were dating a guy in the industry whose job was very demanding, as was yours. It is the first time you’ve ever laid it all out word for word, and it’s kind of exhausting to share. But, it also takes a little weight off your shoulders. She doesn’t look at you like you’re crazy after all, which makes it go down a lot smoother.

“So he loves you? But he breaks up with you...because he loves you so much?” She asked. “That is pretty dumb.”

You threw your hands up in excitement.

“Exactly! That is exactly what I said!”

“But, he has come back to you. He has apologized. He has told you that he loves you and only you, that you are the love of his life. Yet you are in Barcelona. How come?”

You felt your excitement fade away and your face scrunch up slightly.

“Well… I can’t just take him back.”

She tilted her head. “Why not?”

“Because! Because he--he hurt me. If I take him back he could hurt me again.”

“But isn’t that what love is? Taking the chance that you may end up hurt, but doing it anyway? You have to put trust in him, to believe that even though he could hurt you that he won’t.”

“Isn’t that just allowing him the opportunity to hurt me again? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?”

She shrugged. “People always have the ability to hurt us. But if you close yourself off and never open yourself up again, how can you expect anything to change?”

“So you think I should go back to him?” You asked.

“That is not my decision to make. But what if he is this so called love of your life, and you refusing him because of an act of desperation that somewhat had good intentions hurt you? What if you’re throwing something good away?”

You had a feeling Priyanka and Shawn would have gotten along wonderfully. They were both people who viewed the cup as half full while you couldn’t ever seem to get over all the empty space. It was quite exhausting to ever try and prove them wrong either. Optimism. In this economy? Can you imagine?

“I don’t know.” You mumbled to yourself playing with the edges of your book. “I love him. Of course I love him. How could I not? I think I’m just afraid that if I let myself love him the way that he wants, the way that he deserves that...it’s gonna go wrong somewhere. I’ve never ever had it not go wrong.”

“That’s okay. That’s a real emotion. You get hurt enough times, you want to protect yourself. I’m just saying in this particular instance you might not need protecting.” She shrugged. “In fact, you know what? He might fuck up again. Men are dumb, we know this. It might all fall to crap a week from now, a year from now, three years from now. Who’s to say? But I guess the question is, is it worth it to enjoy the good times and to put a little belief in yourself and in your relationship?”

At the end of the conversation, your head hurt a little bit and your heart throbbed dully in your chest. Usually you would’ve crawled into Shawn’s arms and hid your face in his chest, the gentle hum of his heart beat lulling you into serenity. He would play with your hair and he would whisper/sing into your ear. He would tell you that he loved you, or that you were pretty, or whatever other ridiculous things came out of that man’s mouth on a daily basis. It was another one of those times where you were in pain; you were sad, and you couldn’t have the one person who knew how to make it all better. Suddenly you missed him more than ever.  And even in Barcelona, in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, you ached for home. For him.

Dammit.

***

Priyanka takes you to buy a journal. Apparently you’re friends now? Or at least she’s taking pity on you. She explained that for someone so angsty who internalized everything you should probably have a place to release or you were sure to explode. She didn’t seem to recognize that that might be mean so you just rolled with the punches. She takes you to the beach and you lay out in the sun together while she forces you to write about yourself. It is about as fun as one might imagine.

“What the fuck am I supposed to write about?” You huffed glaring at the blank page before you.

She snorted and reset her headscarf which was a gorgeous teal color today that blended perfectly into her bathing suit.

“Anything. Just make it personal. Why don’t you pick something you’ve never talked to anyone about and start there. You don’t need to be scared at all because it’s just who gets to read it.”

You were for certain Priyanka had stumbled into your life only to make it more difficult. She seemed to thrive on it actually. But, then again here you were taking life advice from a practical stranger anyway.

You decide to start with the first time you recognized that being fat was a bad thing. It was a visceral memory, one that you didn’t bring up too often, but one that had been instrumental to the woman you had grown to become. It was third grade. You had just turned eight. Your dad had been gone for three months, and your mom had started letting you help her in the kitchen after school. All of your brothers would go outside and play hockey with the kids across the street, or basketbal, or whatever other dumb game with a ball existed. You hated it. You just wanted to sit inside with your mom and make something.

You brought homemade cupcakes for your birthday. And you were so incredibly proud because you had helped make them! These were the product of your labor. But when it came time to eat and celebrate, Jenna Bartman came up to you to get her cupcake and laughed at you. Y/n you should probably give all the cupcakes away. Everyone knows you’ve eaten plenty. And all of the kids still left in the line laughed with her. You peered down at your tummy and it didn’t look like Jenna’s, didn’t look like most of the other girls in the class. You didn’t bake for an entire year after that. It didn’t mean you didn’t eat, you still snuck cookies from the jar up into your room when your brother wasn’t there to see you. But it was the first time that you had ever been told that what you were was bad, that you shouldn’t get to exist in the manner that made you most happy if it made others uncomfortable.

Fast forward to eighteen years old. Your first boyfriend in highschool. If you could even call him that. He didn’t want anyone at school to know that you were together. And he would only come over when your brothers weren’t around, which meant spending a lot of time in the garage. Not very sexy.

You had decided that you were comfortable and willing to have sex for the first time. You were going to go over to his place after school. His parents were gone and everything. The second that you got up to his room though, he closed all of the blinds and shut the lights off. C’mon babe. We don’t need to see all that. Let’s just do it already. The least enthusiastic five minutes of your life. You’d never told anyone that story before. Not stu. Not even Shawn.

And then there was your transformation in college. You excelled in your major, held the top GPA and graduated with departmental honors. You started to believe in your abilities, in this tiny vision that you created for yourself. You started dressing differently, started taking really important steps to love your body, to be kind to yourself. And it had these amazing ramifications, which was that the more you were kinder to yourself the happier that you ended up being. In college you fell in love with yourself and that’s when you started to shine. Your relationships with others became better as a result. The relationships that you had whether intimate or platonic thrived, because you were thriving. It was the happiest you had ever been and it completely altered your life. But, even in your quest to love yourself there were a lot of things you left behind just so you didn’t have to deal with them anymore.

Your hand is cramping when you set the pen off to the side. You’d scribbled pages and pages of words. At some point, Priyanka had gone off to swim leaving you there. When the words had run dry, you threw your journal to the side and joined her. If there was one thing you were grateful for, it was your ability to love yourself in spite of all things. You had grown to thrive on your own, to give yourself everything that no one else had ever bothered to give you. And it wasn’t necessarily about a need to be a relationship, or this idea that love from someone else is better than self-love. Maybe it was just that self-love doesn’t have to be the only love, and that you can love yourself enough to let others love you too. There wasn’t any weakness in that.

***

 You’re in a bar listening to Priyanka try to explain why you should order this supposed magical cocktail that cures the soul when you hear his voice. At first you don’t even recognize that it’s music, so you flick your head around thinking that he’s standing behind you. Instead it’s his new single. Even in Barcelona you can’t escape him. It doesn’t help that the entire bar immediately starts to gravitate to the song. It’s kind of a bop after all. Until you start to listen to the words anyway.

I can't write one song that's not about you

Can't drink without thinkin' about you

Is it too late to tell you that

Everything means nothing if I can't have you?

You always thought the first time Shawn might write a song for you would be this incredibly sappy, and hopefully beautiful, love song. That had been his promise afterall to write whole love songs for you. You never could have imagined that what you would get instead was a piano ballad he sang you completely hammered through a phone one night, but over some uplifting beat. It almost didn’t sound like the same song, granted you hadn’t gone back and listened to the files he sent you like he asked. It was so weird to watch people dance and have fun to a song that was about the destruction of your relationship. Watching people enjoy it just made it hurt more.

“Can we uh...Can we go to a different bar please?” You murmured in Priyanka’s ear.

She stared at you like you were crazy.

“But we just got here! And this song is incredible!”

“No Pri,forreal. Can we leave?”

She takes one look at you and seems to get it. You hope down off your seats and clear the bar as Shawn continues to tell the world what he’d just barely been able to tell you.

Even in the hurt there’s a bit of pride and you find yourself reaching for your phone. Maybe it isn’t pride at all. Maybe it’s desperation. Who knows

Y/n: I know we’re not speaking, but your new song was playing at a bar in Barcelona. Thought you’d wanna know.

You don’t expect him to answer, can’t imagine him answering after the last time you two spoke. Priyanka leads you to another bar by your hand and you swear you’re not peering down at your phone every two seconds

Shawn: Barcelona?! I’m gonna tell Andrew right now. That’s incredible.

y/n: Yes you can imagine my surprise when I heard your voice and turned around and you weren’t there. You were right though. Definitely a summer bop.

You take a couple shots of tequila that burn like jet fuel and watch Priyanka’s much smaller form get hammered very quickly before he responds again.

Shawn: I’m sorry if it surprised you in a negative way. That’s not fair.

Y/n: It did a bit at first but...It was nice to hear a familiar voice.

Shawn: I’ll try to believe that. Are you finding yourself out there?

Y/n: Something like that. Think maybe I’m just coming to terms with who I was all along, just had to do a little digging.

Shawn: Just as long as you’re happy. That’s all that matters to me.

y/n: I am.

***

You have a dream about your dad one night. It’s odd because you hadn’t dreamed of your father since you were in college. You had sort of buried him away. Maybe that’s why he was coming back now, as you unearthed all of these parts of yourself, somehow you had let him out too. It’s not a super deep dream. He’s just there with you in Toronto. He’s in your apartment that you no longer own, and he’s sitting on your couch. And you’re so angry, but in that dream like way where you don’t even understand why. You start to yell at him. Not about leaving you, not about abandoning your whole family, and the hell he inflicted. You’re yelling at him because his feet are on the table. It is the weirdest fucking thing in the world. And then you wake up.

When you wake up the sun is just beginning to peek through the clouds, the rest of the earth this beautiful purplish bruised color. You reach for your journal and head for the water and the sand. Being a Pisces really came in handy when traveling. And the waves seemed to not just pull you in, but to pull you outside of yourself. So, you sit down and you write about your dad for the first time.

When you were a child, you were the last one to give up hope on your dad. Your brothers were old enough to see his illness for what it was, or at least angry enough to not give a shit anymore. You on the other hand had loved him so much that it took such a long time for you to actually see it for what it was. Everytime he fell asleep drunk on the couch you were the one to pull his shoes off from the bar. When everyone else would yell at him for the reason they were broke, you used to sneak him your allowance from mom. You had loved your dad fully and unconditionally. So, when he left, and let for good, it had completely and utterly destroyed you. Everyone else had been right. You were wrong. He didn’t love you, at least not enough to stay or take you with him. It was the hardest thing for you to face and you were only seven goddamn years old.

And to believe that that wouldn’t have an affect on your relationships with other people in your life is so wildly naive. To walk through life having never sat down and genuinely reflected on what that pain had meant for you? How had it done any good? You were terrified of letting people in. Terrified that something was gonna happen one day, that you could give them everything in the world, and it still wouldn’t be enough. People leave. They always leave. Hell, you left. Left Ontario. Left your brothers. Left your mom. Maybe you weren’t too far off from your dad after all. And maybe, maybe that was the fear that you had never addressed before. What if one day you were the one who deserved to be left? What if?

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

It’s his birthday. The not so big, pretty irrelevant 24. But a birthday nonetheless. He’s in New York and it seems like a pretty good place to have a good time. They’ve rented a couple of party buses and planned a list of clubs to go to. He doesn’t have the heart to tell anyone he’d rather go to dinner and call it night, so he’s playing along. In truth he’s been doing so much better as the days go by and the shows are better and the fans scream longer. It’s weird to try and find love in the thing that felt responsible for his pain, to nurse himself with the very thing that had made it all go wrong. But, it was all that he had. If he didn’t have her, this was it. And he needed to remind himself that there was something good here for him. He had to.

He’s in his hotel room with Brian getting ready when there’s a knock on the door. It’s Andrew. He had neglected to join the party for the night, but made promises to do a dinner or something just the two of them. Instead he’s standing at his door holding a box.

“Awwww did you get me a present?” He snorted as Andrew set the box down on the bed.

“Not quite. You’re 24 and a millionaire, what would I get you? But the hotel delivered this to my room and it’s from Madrid, so I think it might actually be for you?”

He only knew one person who could possibly be in Madrid. He feels his spine strengthen and his heart beat ramp up and his stomach flutter. They hadn’t spoken since June. She had no reason to send him anything, not after the last conversation they had. For a while, after her virtual booty call concept, he had thought it might be the end of them. That her refusal to respond was a glaring sign that she was done with him.  That had been the absolute worst for him. But, he was a cup half full kind of guy, and had quickly convinced himself that no contact at all also meant she couldn’t tell him she was moving to Barcelona for good and she’d never see him again.

Andrew and Brian watch him as he sits on the bed. The box is taped pretty badly, and he just see her sitting there in frustration and proceeding to wrap the whole thing in tape for added measure. He missed watching her eyebrows furrow in irritation. He thought it was the cutest damn thing in the world. Surely enough, it’s addressed to Andrew, but the curliness of the letters are a hundred percent y/n’s. She must’ve looked through the travel packet he’d given her back when he thought she was going to visit him all the time.

He used a knife from the room service they got for lunch earlier and ripped impatiently at the box. The smell that hits him is like the ocean, a little salty and warm. But he can also smell lavender, and he swears if Brian and Andrew weren’t there, he would have cried. On top is a card which is really just a piece of card stock with her hand writing on it.

I would’ve baked you a cake, but I didn’t think it would travel well.

I hope this works alright. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to celebrate.

Take a shot of tequila for me? Or 5. Don’t worry about your voice, you’ll be fine.

Have a wonderful Birthday, Shawn. Love you.

-y/n

He can’t help but laugh at it. It was so her. To wish him a happy birthday and somehow slip in permission to get hammered. Suddenly he was extremely homesick for her apple pie. And her arms wrapped around him. And her heart.

She got him an anthology on meditation and holistic medicine. It’s in English surprisingly enough, and it’s massive. But he knows he’ll read every word. There’s a new rosary necklace for him that he immediately slips on over his head to nestle alongside their swallow. There’s also just a bunch of polaroids  from all the places that she must have been visiting. He had told her one time in the most intimate moments that they used to share, after they’d made each other climax and would just lie in bed sharing secrets until sleep took them away. He told her this silly dream he had of doing photography. He loved pictures of different buildings and cultures. Her sharing her journey with him felt so deeply personal, especially because he knew what she was out there trying to find. It’s the kindest thing she could have given him.

Shawn: Andrew just delivered your package. It was incredibly sweet. You didn’t need to do that, but I’m so so glad you did. It’s the best thing I could have gotten today.

He tries not to set up any expectations that she’ll respond to him. Afterall she’s already given him so much more than he deserved. It doesn’t stop him from checking his phone every three minutes just in case he had somehow missed the vibration. And it certainly doesn't stop his heart from leaping into his throat when he’s two shots in and she responds.

Y/n: No worries. It cost me triple what I paid for the gift just to send it. I wasn’t sure if they’d actually give it to Andrew or not. Glad it worked out. Are you drunk yet?

Shawn: working on it. Where are you right now?

Y/n: I’m in a town called Cerdanya. It’s very beautiful. It’s like half Spain, half France. I’m in the France part.

Shawn: Sounds beautiful. You haven’t posted on insta in a long time.

y/n: You worried about me?

Shawn: Always.

y/n: well take a night off for me would you? It’s your bday. Go have fun.

Shawn: I’ll try. Am I ever gonna see you again?

y/n: You leos. So dramatic. I think I’m in a really good place actually. Maybe I’ll text you when we’re both back in town.

Shawn: Please do.

y/n: I will. Promise.

***

*One month later*

y/n: I’m flying back to Toronto tomorrow.

Shawn: Really? I’m actually home right now.

y/n: Yea I know. Your whereabouts are kind of google-able.

Shawn: Right. Duh. Do you need someone to pick you up from the airport?

y/n: Bryan and Stu already offered.

He felt like a teenager trying to talk to the pretty girl at school and royally fucking it up. What a fucking idiot.

Shawn: Can I take you out for coffee when you get back?

y/n: are you sure you’re not busy? With the show and everything?

Shawn: Let me take you out for coffee. I could never be too busy for that.

Y/n: Ok. I’ll text you.

He’s sitting at a table, his legs shaking up a storm. He couldn’t sit still for shit, kept looking out the window every two seconds, and had even burnt his tongue on his coffee in a desperate attempt to find something to do. This was it. This was everything he’d been waiting for. Either she was going to break his heart, or she was going to make  him the luckiest guy on earth. There were no other options.

He catches her walking up the street and his heart spasms in his chest. He can tell that she’s gotten nothing but sun these past months because she’s absolutely golden. And she’s wearing all white like she knows that it’ll drive him crazy. Of course it’ll drive him crazy. A fucking pant suit with long flowy jacket and a camisole the color of periwinkle. She looks like a goddamn goddess.

She walks in and he just stands up immediately because he doesn’t know what else to do, hasn’t seen her in so long he feels like he’s gone mad without her. And there really is no thinking when it comes to her. He wraps her up in his arms immediately. He can’t do anything but smile at her and try to re-familiarize himself with her entire being. Shit, it’s like she got more beautiful while she was away.

“Hi.” He breathed, and it felt like the first breath he’d taken since she told him she was leaving.

She smiles and his arms tighten around her. It’s like no time has passed at all, like his love had only grown in her absence.

“Hi.”

“You’ve got freckles.” He chuckled letting his fingers skim hesitantly along her nose.

She scrunches it, like she always used to. He dies a little.

“Yea. They only come out in the sun though.”

“And your hair. It got lighter. It’s so pretty.” He hummed.

She’s running her fingers up and down his back and he just wants to pull her into bed and cuddle for a day or two. Now that she’s in front of him, he can’t even believe that he let her go. Six months. And all of the time after Amsterdam. How the hell did he let her go?

They stare at each other far too long in the middle of this coffee shop, but he figures if he just keeps staring at her than she won’t have time to destroy him.

“So uh coffee?” She giggled peering up at him from underneath her lashes.

He nearly groaned. It was too much already and all she did was laugh at his awkwardness.

“Right. Right! I would’ve ordered for you but I didn’t know how long you might be. Sit, I’ll get it for you. Do you wanna share a croissant?”

“Sure. Thank you.”

He’s more nervous than he was on their first date. It’s almost as if fucking up the order, or not grabbing her a napkin, could somehow change whatever she’d come here to say. He sets her white mocha on the table for her, and puts the croissant in the middle. The moment he sits down, there’s nothing left to do or say. He just has to listen. At least he knows that he owes her that.

“I uh...I guess I don’t know where to start.” She murmured, peering down at her cup.

He nodded. “Maybe you could just start with what you were trying to find when you left? And maybe whether or not you found it.”

She takes a deep breath and her hand moves from the table to the back of her neck to her necklace. And the second he sees the swallow his heart speeds up. Relax. Listen. Breathe.

“Well, I was doing really well at work technically. But Gina could see that I was using my job as a crutch to not have to deal with my pain. And I think that’s why she sent me on the sabbatical. I guess what I didn’t realize at the time was that I’ve always done that. I don’t like to be hurt, obviously. But more than that I don’t like to be weak. So, when you hurt me I was trying to--to pretend that I could be alright with you. And I was trying to learn from my mistakes so that I could make sure you, or no one else could do it again. But I think maybe I over corrected.

“I left because...I needed to figure out, like why my defense mechanism is to cut people off immediately. Like why am I twenty-six years old with one best friend and no one else? Not that I even want a whole bunch of friends, but I’ve never even tried to hang with someone besides Stu or Bryan. Why am I so incapable of letting people in? I spent such a long part of my life learning to be kind to myself, learning to protect my mental and emotional health because of trauma and because of hurt that I never learned how to let others do it too. I never learned what it could look like to let someone love me and not resent them for it. You. You were my first time trying.”

It’s instinctual that when she puts her hand on the table he reaches for it. He needed to show her how much he cared, how much love and respect he had for her. And when she intertwines their fingers and plays with his ring, it feels like an acknowledgement of that.

“I met this woman named Priyanka in Barcelona? I ended up spending like a whole month there just because of her.” She smiled softly. “And she made me keep this journal and she had me write all the things I was always too afraid to tell anybody.”

“Like what?” He asked softly just to keep her talking. “If you want to share. you definitely don’t have to.”

“Like...Like I never dealt with the pain of my dad leaving because I didn’t want to have daddy issues. I didn’t want to let him have power over me. The way that he left, and it took me so fucking long to see that he was wrong, that to me felt like weakness. I had let him give me whatever love he wanted and all it did was hurt me in the end. So, I guess in my mind allowing someone to love you meant that they could hurt you and if you let them do that then you were weak. And I guess that just equated to love being weakness.”

It’s like the most he’s ever heard her talk. She had clearly spent so much time reflecting and unearthing the parts of herself that she’d stored away for so long. Now it was like she was pulling out all of the individual pieces and sharing them with him. When he had begged her to just let him love her, and she had tried with all of her might, never had she ever done this. It’s like he’s seeing her in all her entirety for the first time. And it’s only making him fall even more in love with her.

He’s leaning his face on his hand and he’s just staring at her, listening to her say all of these thoughts in that big ass beautiful head of hers that he’s always wanted to know. It’s the greatest gift she could ever give him, and it makes every moment she was away worth it. If only she got to be a better version of herself, got to feel more confident in who she was. And not for him, not for anyone, but for her own happiness.

“You look so happy.” He smiled at her. “It all sounds incredible, y/n. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m really proud of myself.” She giggled again.

God she was so fucking cute.

“Hey, that night that I called you drunk--”

“Don’t even mention it. I understood where you were coming from.”

She frowned at him and it’s the first time that she’s not smiling. He literally had to restrain himself from reaching out to touch her lips. What a shit show.

“No. No you deserve an apology. I was drunk, sure, but my willingness and eagerness to inflict pain on you, that was all me Shawn. I knew you wouldn’t want to hurt me by saying no. I mean that’s so not okay. We were always open and honest with each other when it came to being intimate. I--I would never want you to pretend that what I did was okay.” She assured him. “I’m sorry, okay? I mean that.”

He nods and squeezes at her fingers again. “Okay. It was a shitty feeling. Mostly it was shitty that I felt like I deserved it, felt like even if that was all you were willing to give me than I should just take it. But I don’t like--I don't hold it against you. We were in a really shitty space. I forgive you.”

“Okay. Well thank you.”

He nodded softly. “ Have you thought at all about--I mean do you think you could ever forgive me? For what I did? For not handling things right? For messing it all up?”

“It took me such a long time. I was terrified of how in love with you I was. And I just was like waiting for the other shoe to drop for so long. I kept having to fight myself everytime you wanted me to be more open with you, and wanting to give you everything that you asked for because I loved you so much.”

“‘Loved’?” He asked hesitantly.

She sighed. “Shawn, even if I was waiting on the other shoe to drop I...never could have actually thought that you would hurt me the way that you did. That you would fly me all the way out to be with you just so that you could leave me and go on tour. That was so fucking painful for me.”

He nods and leans closer to her across the table, both of their coffees and the croissant long forgotten.

“I know. I know how stupid of me it was. I just, I think I got scared too. It was so easy to fall in love with you. It was so easy to want to spend all of my time with you. And the thought that like...that I could hurt you because of music of all things? That my being away could cause you pain? I just didn’t even know what to do. I love you so much, y/n. I need you to know that I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you. This was new for me too.”

“Sometimes you made it seem like you had all the answers. It was like you knew exactly what we were supposed to be doing when I was just flailing..” She mumbled. “It made it hurt so much worse.”

“I was just trying not to lose you. Do you have any idea how intimidating it is to be with someone as smart and wonderful and badass as you?  You always seemed like you had the life part figured out. I thought that...that I needed to have the love part down so that I could keep you, so that I could deserve you.” He confessed. “But, honey I was just as lost as you were sometimes.”

“You were?”

“Of course!” He smiled. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I can be kind of dumb sometimes.”

She snorted. “That’s certainly one way to put it.”

She peered down at the table and he kind of figured that this was his chance, this was everything they’d been building up to. So he licked his dry lips and somehow managed to shuffle even closer across the tiny table they were squished at.

“Baby,” He whispered. “I’ve got to know... if there is even a remote possibility that we could try it again? And I promise to never do anything like that again, to communicate better, to be more vulnerable and open.”

She bit her lip and looked at him and he swore that he couldn’t breathe.

“I just wanna know how it’s gonna be different this time Shawn? When I go back to work and you’re still on tour for the rest of the year. How does this change anything?”

“It just means that we have to be better. It means you’ve got to be honest with me when you’re dealing with shit, when you need to get away from work, hell when you need to get away from me. And I have to...I have to learn to not place any of the weight of who I am on you. No more begging for forgiveness before shows. No more begging you to fly out just because I’m sad. It changes because we’re willing to change, and we’re willing to learn and grow together. Can we...Can we do that? I only want to do that with you.”

Her eyes flicked down to the table and then back up to his. She’s beautiful, so so beautiful. He just wants her.

She huffed softly at him.

“Well I love you, you idiot. So, I guess we can try this again.”

“Yea?” He beamed.

“Yea.”

He reaches across the table, trading her hand for the feel of her cheeks. They were still warm as if the sun had left a bit of itself behind. And the light dusting of freckles across her nose drove him insane. He was all in with her whether she knew it or not. She was it for him.

“Can I...Can I kiss you?”  He sighed fingers cupping her jaw.

She licked her bottom lip and set his heart ablaze.

“Yea. You can.”

“Fucking finally.”

If you’d like to buy me a ko-fi

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[screamingatanemptyroom]

I Can’t Eat Love pt 10

Here it is guys! Here’s part 10, we’re at 23k words! I made the master post with links to the story and will just link that at the top from here on out! 

Link to master post here. 

Enjoy! 

__________________________________

Ten months passed, faster than I could have imagined.

The store “Prosperity” took off. True to her word, Milane had improved upon my own designs, and after showcasing the dresses at a few parties, (I had reluctantly resumed my social responsibilities, reminding myself it was for the business), and the orders came in, faster than we could fill them. Expanding production, Milane hired a few more seamstresses, and even then we were stretched thin. We continued making and selling new designs, however, with plans to open up another store before the next season.

The Duchy thrived alongside my business. The officials I “retired” left without further complaint, and their replacements worked hard to gain experience and independence. Until they were completely trained however, the bulk of the work was left to Nile, Terrence and Me. We met weekly, going over accounts and day to day issues in great detail. Fortunately we worked well together and rather than resenting the hands-on approach I took, they seemed relieved.

“The Duke just always told us to do what we thought best in difficult matters.” Nile confided one day. “But with no idea of the overall financial state of the Duchy, it’s hard to make these sorts of decisions. With you in charge, things are running much smoother.” 

Seeming to realize the improperness of what he had said, he panicked, waving his hands.  “Not saying that the Duke is incompetent! He’s a very kind man! And as a leader… of course he…” he paused as if trying to think of something else good to say about my father.

I chuckled, trying to relieve the poor man’s misery. “It’s fine. Father’s gifts lie… in other directions. “ I had no idea as to what direction that was, but as long as he stayed out of my way, I was content.

No longer hemorrhaging money, I was able to work on improving the infrastructure of the area, improving the safety and stability of the roads, increasing the schools and preparing some previously unused land for farming. 

Marile, looking ahead to our second store, convinced me to use some of our profits to open up a vocational school for seamstresses, taught by people she trusted. We charged a minimal fee, funding those who couldn’t afford it, and waited excitedly as they gained skill. I planned to hire some of the top students upon graduation, and as the number of skilled workers increased, the duchy of Armeny began gaining a reputation as the place to buy well-made clothes.

The success spread, and I was already being approached by other trades to expand the school to cover their professions as well.

__________________________________

I continued my lessons with Jim and Nate, although the assigned reading was decreased as more and more of my time was taken up with the business and the duchy. Instead, Jim had me bring practical issues and questions to the class regarding economics or governmental structure, and we worked though it together. I was often able to implement some of the answers we came up with, continuing to benefit my home.

 Nate and I settled into a comfortable pace. He was the calm one in class, frequently mediating between Jim and me when we began to get too loud about a certain subject. He listened well, and when he did speak up it was with purpose, often coming up with ideas that caught me by surprise.

“You should build a place that provides food for people who are starving.” After class one day, he was escorting me back to the carriage in thoughtful silence before suddenly bursting out with that suggestion.

I stopped in my tracks. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s something that you obviously care deeply about, and since you’ll manage to free up some extra funds with the changes we came up with today, I thought it might work! ” He continued as he stopped as well, gesturing excitedly with his hands. “Think about it, a place where people who are starving can come by and have a meal. You can ask for donations and volunteers to offset some of the costs, it should be doable…”

He trailed off, staring at me with an uncertain expression. “Sorry, I got excited on my own, maybe it isn’t the best idea.”

__________________________________

“Do you have any food?” A young boy pulled on my leg, the bones too prominent on his already small for his size face.

I looked down at him, already feeling lightheaded and weak. I hadn’t been able to find work. I hadn’t had a full meal since Rig’s gang had been split up most of them lost, dead or imprisoned. I had begged on the street, only managing to earn enough for some bread, hardly enough to fill my stomach. I wanted to cry, but held my tears, they wouldn’t solve anything.

The boy saw my distress and slumped, sitting down beside me, as I hung my head, feeling hopeless.

“It’s okay.” He mumbled, using a dirty hand to gently pat my head, trying to comfort me. “I’ll help you.” A small hard object was pressed into my hand. I looked down at it, surprised. It was a regular stone, a little shiny but otherwise there was nothing special about it.

“It’s my lucky stone.” He tried to smile, tried to appear brave for me. “You can have it. It will protect you.”

I thought about the bread in my pocket, it wasn’t enough to fill me, but for a child…

“Here.”

I handed him the bread, leaning back with my head against a wall, closing my eyes to keep tears from falling. I wasn’t going to last much longer. I had long given up hope for myself. But that boy... maybe he would survive.

And that was something.

__________________________________

“Lenora?” Nate called out, concerned. I shook my head, I had been silent too long, thinking of a different life, a different fate.

One I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I smiled at him; ignoring his visible shock at I did so. “Tell me more about this idea of yours.”

__________________________________

Between running the Duchy and the business, as well as continuing lessons and socializing with the nobility to advertise our new dresses, I was busier than I had ever been before in either of my lives. But despite the long hours and the hard work, I was surprised to find I was happy.

There was still just one thing keeping me from being fully content: 

The royal etiquette classes continued, despite the mastery I had displayed. Mrs. Rendler had greatly increased the speed at which we moved through topics as well as the difficulty in each lesson. The advantage I had gained over the extra three years of training in my previous life dwindled, and I reluctantly began scheduling in time to study those topics as well. 

I grew more and more frustrated each week. With all the other demands on my time, why was I bothering to waste any on learning something I would never use? If I were planning on trying to continue my engagement to the prince this would be worth it, but not even the chance to tackle management on a national scale could tempt me to stand by that worthless prince’s side.

I hid it, as best I could. Mrs. Rendler tried to keep the lessons fun and varied, likely sensing my lack of enthusiasm. We learned new dances, tried exotic foods and studied different cultures. It was interesting and I appreciated the effort the older woman placed on keeping me focused, but there was still one, unavoidable problem with the lessons:

Queen Amerande.

She was present every single week, as she had been in my previous life. Smiling, cheering me on, saying silly jokes to try to make me laugh, and picking arguments with Mrs. Rendler to distract her whenever the lessons were getting too difficult for me … she was every inch the mother I wish I had.

But it was a lie, and every minute I spent next to her was pure torture. 

It all came to a head around ten months after I woke up in this second life. The etiquette lesson had completed early. I was packing up my books, planning to take a walk in the gardens to waste the time before my lesson with Jim and Nate in the treasury. Before I could leave, however, Queen Amerande held out her hand, gently stopping me.

“Can we talk, Lenora?”

I nodded stiffly, disliking the thought of spending any time alone with her.

Her smile slightly sad, she gestured for me to sit down, and after I was settled continued.

“Has your mother returned home yet?” The discomfort on her face made it clear she knew this was not going to be my favorite topic.

I sighed, leaning back and shaking my head. “No, she’s still with her family staying in the southern province.”

Or so she tells us. I thought of the contents of the file Rig had brought me, the second assignment I had given him after the blackmail for the duchy officials. It had only confirmed what I already knew from my previous life, but it had hurt more than I wanted to admit to see it in writing.

“She’s been gone almost a year!” Queen Amerande muttered, looking furious for a few moments before poorly hiding her anger behind a smile, trying not to upset me. After being surrounded by expert liars like Angela and Edith, it was almost amusing to see someone who couldn’t lie well.

That’s not true though is it? She lies all the time when she says she cares about me. My brain whispered to me, but I shrugged it off, not wanting to be distracted by the topic at hand. She was already asking another question.

“Will she be back soon?”

I wish she wouldn’t. In my last life, her trip had only lasted a few months, but that had been due to limited funds and our large amount of debt. Once I had most of our debts cleared, I had sent her some money, and thankfully she had continued to extend her trip as much as possible. The servants seemed grateful for the break from her critical presence and my father… he was happier than he’d been in years. But as relieving as this time away was, it couldn’t last forever.

“She’ll be back in a few weeks, before my sixteenth birthday.” I answered, watching her eyes light up at the topic.

“So yes, about that…” Queen Amerande hesitated, “I knew your mother hadn’t been… around, and your father…”

“Forgot.”

“I’m sure he… remembers… deep down.” She looked angry again, but not at me. “But the point is, I didn’t want you to have to plan your own party, so I’ve been making some arrangements.”

“...” 

“Nothing that can’t be canceled if you don’t feel up to it, but I’d really like for you to have a chance to really have fun and celebrate with friends. You’ve been working so incredibly hard lately.” She smiled. “I know I don’t say this enough but… I’m so proud of you. I heard about the work with the duchy and the vocational school and even that charity to help feed those in need, it’s so amazing. YOU are amazing.”

She turned to the side to get something from her bag. I sat there, trembling, filled with anger, barely able to contain it. My fists were clenched, so tightly that the fingernails dug into my palms, starting to tear through the skin.

“I know it’s a little early, but I want you to have this:” She pulled out a necklace. It was beautiful, thin golden chains delicately interwoven, with a small sapphire amulet hanging from the longest strand. She placed it into my hand. “My mother gave this to me when I was a girl, and although I’m not your biological mother, I think of you as my own.”

My ears were ringing, the jewelry in my hand was cold, but felt like it was burning my skin

“I love you dear, and I always will.”

I could barely breathe, it felt like knives were stabbing me in the heart, I sat there frozen, staring at the gift I had once thought meant everything, but meant nothing.

“No matter what.”

__________________________________

“I love you, and I always will.” Queen Amerande hugged me, patting my back comfortingly with one hand.

I returned the hug, unable to hold back my tears of frustration and embarrassment. After being publicly humiliated at my own birthday party, I had come into the backroom to hide, She had been planning to give me her present, but instead found me a sobbing in a corner, and immediately dropped on the floor, ignoring the creases and dust that gathered on her expensive formal gown, comforting me. Once I had calmed down, she handed me a beautiful necklace, one I had always admired as a child, and reached out, wiping a tear from my face.

“No matter what.”

__________________________________

Thud.

The necklace slipped from my hands, falling to the floor between us.

“Liar.” My voice was quiet, but in the otherwise silent room she could clearly hear me. Her face paled and she tried to reach out for my hand, only to have me pull back, avoiding it.

“Lenora, what…?

“Stop lying. Please.” I forced the words out through gritted teeth, tears gathering in my eyes. “You won’t love me like your own child, and you won’t love me NO MATTER WHAT so please. Don’t lie to me. Don’t fool me into trusting you when you don’t mean it.” 

I stood up, planning to leave, but she ran after me, standing in the doorway, blocking my only exit.

“Let me out.” I ordered, throwing etiquette and caution to the wind.

She shook her head furiously, her carefully styled hair coming slightly undone with the force of the motion. “No! Not until you tell me what this is about!” She was shaking, but her hands gripped the doorframe tightly, refusing to move. “I’m not lying when I say I love you like my own daughter. I’m not!”

“Easy words to say.” I was sneering, hating that my voice broke with tears instead of sounding stronger. “But when your precious son drops me in a few years, and I’m disgraced, then you’ll forget all about this ‘daughter’ you love so much!”

“…” She stared at me, horrified. “You think he… that I… “ She was stuttering, trying to work through what I had said. “Ronan wouldn’t cast you aside. And even if he did I…”

“I’m not an idiot, Your Majesty. So don’t treat me like one.” I interrupted her, laughing, but it was an unpleasant sound. “I’m not so foolish as to believe that a boy who has absolutely no interest in me will keep this engagement the moment he finds someone he likes better.”

“…” Queen Amerande was silent for a few moments. I noticed she looked upset, saddened at my words, but she didn’t look shocked, not at all. She had seen her son’s lack of interest in me as well. She knew exactly what kind of person Ronan was, and that he was capable of doing exactly what I said. I continued onwards, not wanting to hear any excuses or explanations.

“And WHEN he casts me aside. You’ll move forward just like everyone else will, without a thought spared for me.” I clenched my fists, wanting to run. “You’ll forget all about me. So please, keep that necklace. Give it to the woman your son actually WILL marry. Or a grandchild whenever they have one. Someone you truly care about. Not a placeholder. Not me.”

Having said what I wanted to say, I pushed past the Queen, running out of the palace. I skipped my lesson with Jim, getting into the carriage. And it wasn’t until I was there, protected by the window covers and safe from prying gazes, that I finally relaxed, put my head into my hands, and cried.

#writing #i can't eat love #part 10 #second life #second chances #drama #family

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 84

Chapter Summary -  Danielle end up discussing their fight and the relationship

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​​ @wolfsmom1​​

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

Danielle sat in the car waiting outside the airport. "Why are you still here?" She looked to Siobhan who was in the back seat.

"I want to meet him."

"And why are you in the backseat?"

"Because he will want to go upfront with you. So are you guys fixed now?"

"No."

"So he's here to fix things?"

"No."

"Then why is he here?"

"To prevent me committing murder." Siobhan laughed. "He insisted because he knows when I am stressed as hell."

"I heard Richard spoke to him."

"Yeah, he answered my phone, but Tom didn't leave a message. Do you know, he actually thought Richard was some guy I met," Danielle laughed.

"Really? How did that conversation come about?"

"I guessed why he seemed odd after I said Richard's name on the phone," Danielle explained. "He honestly thought I would just drop him like that and find someone else."

"Okay, you two seriously need to talk things out…ooh, that's him, okay he is sexier in real life. Maybe you should have fixed this over the phone, how can you stay mad at that?"

"You are literally no help, Siobhan."

"I am not here to help, I am here to be as nosy as fuck at my cousin's sexy celebrity boyfriend."

"He's not my…" Danielle corrected as Tom looked at the car, recognised her and start walking towards them.

"Yeah, bullshit, that is why you are getting a pinkish tinge to your cheeks and you look like all your birthdays have come at once, pull the other one, Danielle. You are smitten."

Danielle was relieved she had no time to respond because she had nothing she could argue to that. Tom opened the back door of the car to put in his bag but paused, seeing a person inside. "Oh."

"Don't mind her, in fact, hit her with the damn thing," Danielle stated, earning a glare from Siobhan.

"Don't mind Danielle, she's just moody because I am calling her out on her bullshit, Hi, I'm Siobhan." Siobhan beamed in the backseat, extending her hand to Tom.

Tom was slightly taken back by her forwardness. "A face for the name, hello." He shook her hand.

"He's taller than I'd have thought." Siobhan half-whispered to Danielle.

"Jesus, will you ever just go back to your plaything in Dublin." Danielle shook her head as her cousin made a show of herself. "Let Tom put in his bag."

Siobhan got out and made room for Tom to put his bag in, Danielle putting her head in her hands as she watched Siobhan, utterly unashamedly stare at Tom's ass as he put the bag in the car. "So, are you two heading straight back to Nan's?" Siobhan asked as Tom opened the passenger door.

"Have you eaten?" Danielle asked. Tom shook his head, she turned to Siobhan. "We'll get something to eat."

"Murphy's?"

"Murphy's," Danielle confirmed.

"Ooh, get me an order of wings."

"If you leave now, I'll get you a double," Danielle promised.

Siobhan looked at her for a moment, "Bye." And ran off towards her own car.

"Did she not come here with you?" Tom asked worriedly as he got in.

"I just got this rental while waiting for you. It's handier now," Danielle explained. "She drove me here."

"That was nice of her." Tom smiled, looking over at her. "Hello."

"Hi." Danielle gave a small smile back. "How are you?"

"I thought I was tired, but you look like you are completely worn out, do you want me to drive?"

"No, I'm fine." Danielle dismissed. "I just need a good nights sleep."

"Is it far to this Murphy's?"

"An hour or so, the food is proper, nice and tasty, you'll love it." Danielle smiled as she drove through the parking area of the airport.

"Takeaway?"

"No, a bar and restaurant not too far from my parent's place," Danielle answered as they joined the traffic on the main road. She sensed Tom looking at her. "What?"

"A regular restaurant, a public place?"

"Tom it's in rural Galway, no offence, but most of these people wouldn't recognise Pierce Brosnan, Roger Moore and Sean Connery if they sat in front of them discussing Bond, and if they did, they would not care, I can assure you."

"But on the off chance, you are okay with being seen?" Danielle bit her lips together and her eyes began to water slightly. "Did I say…?"

"I was...um, I was talking to Siobhan the other day, and I spoke about you, and…" She shook her head. "I really fucked up," Tom said nothing, he just listened. "I thought she told Deirdre about you, and I got a little annoyed and confronted her, and she told me she only mentioned that I had someone, I don't even think she mentioned your name, much less who you are and I realised that I was so scared of people telling the media that I never noticed how much it sounded like I was ashamed of us, and then I thought of how you must have felt." She glanced at him for a moment. "I wasn't ashamed, Tom, I was so happy, I loved it, but I didn't act like it. I guess I just got scared." she began to feel her eyes water more. "Shit." she indicated in and pulled in next to a field gate.

"Are you alright?"

"I can't see." She explained. "I am such a sap."

"Elle." Tom took her hand in his. "I know you were scared, I know it is so daunting, I should not have been so horrible as to say that, and no, I was not aware of how much effort you were putting in, and believe me, if I had, I…I said stupid things, I dismissed you. I should never have argued whether or not you should have been hurt by something, only you can say whether or not you are, and no you have not changed, too much, you have a little, I mean, I think I am slowly convincing you to organise your books better, but that's a change for the better." He grinned cheekily.

Danielle laughed. "Idiot." she looked at her hand in his. Tom thought it wise to gently give Danielle her hand back. "So, we better go and get something to eat," she stated awkwardly before beginning to drive again. "It's really nice."

"Can I ask something?" Tom asked.

"Yes."

"Yes, I can ask or…?"

"Yes, ask, though I think I know what it is," She clarified.

"Are we going to try and talk about us?" Tom ventured.

"Do you want to?"

"I do, I know I seemed somewhat desperate and yes, full-on last week Elle, but that is because I do genuinely love you, I want to try and fix this."

"So you didn't find a model to run away with in Milan?" She queried, her tone very much indicating she was joking.

"No, definitely not." He looked at her to convey his honestly.

"We need to fix a few things."

"Yes, we do. We will, won't we?"

"Honesty and communication are what will get us back I think," Danielle stated. "I hope."

Tom was unsure she meant to say the last part aloud, but her obvious wish to fix things was all he needed to hear. "I had no idea she would focus so much on Taylor."

"It was the first time you mentioned her and all of that…situation, I was stupid to think she wouldn't."

"My out of character, I suppose morose demeanour is almost the correct term for it, when she was there, it was because I was trying to deal with the dynamic of us, I am not used to being the one left behind, before this, I did the travelling, it is different for me now, not negative, but an alteration, I am so used to my routine, then it changed when you came to stay, then you left for work, and I know you will have to again when you get more jobs, but it was hard coming to accept that for me, it was not what I am used to."

"Do you regret asking me to come to stay with you after Christmas?"

"No." She gave him a momentary glance. "No Elle, I would never regret that. I hope I never made you feel like I did, because honestly; I loved it, I love having you there with me, us being a team, you doing the laundry as I fled the room at the most 'convenient' of times." Danielle laughed and shook her head. "Remember how you said that your house didn't smell enough like me over Christmas?"

"Yes." She admitted.

"I feel like I was so worried that that would happen, I want things to remain as it is, us together, I suppose I sabotaged things slightly too."

"No one is perfect." Danielle shrugged. "Not even me."

Tom said nothing for a moment, thinking over everything. "The time apart has done us both some good so."

"Yes, lesson learned there." Danielle concurred. "I am sorry I went and said I was done rather than say I needed space, that was unfair. I should never have toyed with you like that."

"Why did you feel like you had to call it quits?" Tom probed, in all honesty, he was terrified of pushing her away again, but he needed to know, he needed to see if it was something she did because of fear or if there was some other issue at play.

"I don't know, I…I need to figure that out. I was willing to hurt myself to get away from something that was not hurting me, not overly. I mean that article hurt, but that was one little scrap of a thorn while looking at a gorgeous rose." Tom smiled at the comparison.

"When you were younger, what would happen when something went wrong?" Tom asked.

"What do you mean?"

"If people would be nasty to you if you felt let down, what would you do?"

"Go to my room or go running or something," Danielle answered, not seeing why it mattered too much.

"So you fled the situation?"

"Yeah, don't most people?"

"They tend to take a step back, not run for their lives, darling," Tom explained.

"According to who?" She gave him a small glance to convey her curiosity.

"My counsellor."

"You have a counsellor?"

"No, had, when I was school and trying to get over mum and dad getting divorced."

"Makes sense." She shrugged. "So I went too far. I need to fix me."

"Fix?"

"Since you mentioned me changing, I have been looking over myself."

"Elle, I said that because I was mad."

"But I feel like I have, and I don't like it." He said nothing. "I just need to find me again. I had to be the old me with Bernie recently, and I miss the confidence I had."

"I don't make you feel confident?" Tom felt deeply hurt by that.

"No, this isn't you Tom, this is me."

"That sounds like a particularly common line."

Danielle laughed slightly. "I suppose it does. But people use that to break up, I don't want that."

"So what do you want?"

"I need to take some time to fix me, Tom, I feel kind of lost."

Tom looked at her sadly. "Country mouse in the city?"

"I think so. I can adapt, I just need time."

"I understand." It was true, he did, but it hurt nonetheless.

"I think hiding was doing me no favours." Tom looked to her. "If, after the Kong tour, you want to…maybe Luke could…" She glanced sideways again and saw Tom's face. "Sorry, it was stupid…"

"You...you want to consider…"

"I want to go to the shop with you, go for dinner, lunch, coffee, walk the fucking dog and that means in London, we are going to be seen, and I need to either grab it by the balls and get over it, or say here and now that to go any further is wasting our time. We both said already we want something serious, something to last, it's not going to last if I am hiding. I don't want to be a show dog but like Ben and Sophie. I know it means being under fire but in all fairness, bar my stupid little tantrum at being called a brat, I think I can handle it."

"Are you certain?"

"I know there are going to be hard days, but yeah, I think I can." she looked at him to convey her belief in her words.

#I Hate You I Love You #chapter 84 #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic #wolfpawn

[thewritewolf]

Eating Habits Chapter 16: On the Rise

With the fashion show out of the way, our heroes finally get a chance to unwind. At least for a moment.

Happy New Year, everyone! :D

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 (Final)

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

Letting out a long groan as her muscles relaxed in the sudsy hot water, Marinette tried to think of the last time she had gotten to take a bubble bath. It had to have been before she left the bakery since her tiny apartment didn’t have a tub big enough to relax in and she hadn’t used the one in this apartment until today.

Not for the first time, she wondered what her past self was thinking by settling for that terrible place.

She took a deep breath and settled back against the scented wet towel she’d placed along the edge of the tub. It didn’t matter, she supposed. Now that she was out of that place, she didn’t have to worry about it again. Today, especially, she was planning on not worrying about anything at all.

The music faded peacefully from one song to the next. The playlist had been a gift from Nino for her birthday - four hours of masterfully crafted instrumental music, each blending seamlessly into each other. No wonder he was doing so well working with Jagged Stone; Nino really understood music in a way most people could only hope.

Closing her eyes, she took another deep breath to help herself get lost in the sound, but ended up smiling at the scent of lavender in the air. The candles stirred up memories from the previous week - Alya taking her out for a day of shopping to help get her mind off of the fashion show. Their stop at the candle shop and how they’d accidentally ended up wasting an hour there. Alya had teased Marinette when she got the lavender candles, despite her protests about how it was a relaxing scent.

After all, lavender was also the favorite scent of Adrien, who wore it so frequently that just catching a whiff of it had been enough to bring a smile to her face since she was fourteen. Even now, the scent had her grinning to herself. Remembering Adrien reminded her of something else. She peaked open an eye to check the door - the comfy set of pajamas Adrien had gotten her months ago while he was in Milan were hanging on the knob, ready for her to change into them the moment she was finished with her bubble bath. She let out a sigh of comfort. Sure, it wouldn’t be that bad if she had to go and find it, given there wouldn’t be anyone else in the apartment, but that’s hardly how she wanted this to end.

Tikki phased through the wall, yawning. “Good morning, Marinette! How’s your bath going?”

Marinette curled her toes as she stretched under the water. “I haven’t felt this relaxed since Christmas, so I’d say pretty good. What’s up?”

“I was just wondering about that internship.”

“What about it?”

“Just… in general. What does it mean? How long is it?”

“Well,” Marinette said, rising a little to make it easier to talk. “If it is like other internships, then it’ll be a lot of busy work and helping their main designers. I won’t be doing a lot creatively for them, but I can still learn a lot, and meet some people in the industry.” A sly smile graced her face. “And get paid, of course.”

“That’s good,” Tikki said, perking up. “How long will it be? Is it going to interfere with your studies?”

“No, it’ll just be for the summer. At least, that’s what the letter said. It also said they might extend it. They’ll be sure to keep my classes in mind, but I’d definitely have to cut back on the university clubs and stuff.”

Tikki frowned. “That’s too bad.” She landed on the side of the tub, tentatively sticking her feet into the hot water. “At least you had fun while you were in them, right?”

“Yeah… at least there was that.”

They sat and listened to the music in silence for a few minutes before Tikki spoke up again. “When does it start?”

“Really soon, actually. Next week is orientation, then I get assigned to a designer and I get right into work.”

“Wow! That really is fast! I wonder what they would have done if you turned them down?”

Marinette shrugged. “A big name like that? Either they don’t expect anyone to turn them down or they can easily find someone who won’t, no matter how short notice they give.”

The conversation drifted along, Marinette slowly being drawn out of her pleasant stupor until she was ready to get out of the bath and start the day. A day which would mostly be consisting of watching her favorite shows until Adrien showed up… at which point she would start watching her favorite shows while cuddled up against him.

Marinette smiled. It was good to have a plan.

------------------------

“It’s just… this is absolutely huge and I’m so happy for her, you know?” Adrien stopped pacing as his tail continued to flick back and forth behind him. He looked back at Carapace, who was leaning against the brick wall with his arms crossed, a patient smile on his face. “But at the same time, it feels like I’m standing on sand. Its like everything is changing and I think for the better, but…”

Carapace cut him off with a chuckle. “Don’t worry, I get what you mean. We went through something similar when we both got the jobs we have now.” He shook his head. “It was all so rough to start off, but we got into the swing of things. Now we’re feeling better than ever.” He put a hand on Adrien’s shoulder. “My dude, I know it’s scary right now, but it’s gonna be great. Just wait and see.”

“Thanks.” Adrien smiled, a little nervously. “And yeah, I know, I know. I’m excited, but… nervous too. She does tend to throw herself into things. Maybe this time-”

“-This time she’ll have you right by her side,” Carapace finished. “Just be there for her and you’ll both be fine.”

“Right.” Adrien sighed contently and sat down to look up at the full moon. “The future is looking pretty bright, huh?”

“Well, to start with, that’s the moon not the future.” Carapace snickered as Adrien smacked him on the shoulder. “...But yeah. You’re not wrong.” There was a long pause as they stared up at the inky blackness of the sky. The stars were drowned out by the light of the city below, making the moon look lonely as it shone above them. “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately.”

“Is this the prelude to you proposing to me? ‘Cause I’m flattered, but I’ve already got a girlfriend, so I’ll have to pass.”

“Well, you aren’t totally wrong…”

Adrien blinked at his best friend in surprise. Then his mouth fell open. “No way…” His eyes lit up and he turned to face Carapace. “Did you already get the ring? Where are you planning to do it?” He gasped. “We’ll need a band - and roses! I’ll-”

Carapace held his arms up in an x shape. “Woah woah, dude. As of right now, I’ve got no ring, no plan. It’s just been something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.” He settled back against the wall, head tilted up at the sky as he closed his eyes, a smile at his lips. “It’s just… I love this girl, man. I can’t imagine ever wanting to be without her. It’s not time just yet, but… not a lot longer. Soon.”

Adrien deflated a little. “How long is soon?”

“I dunno,” Carapace said with a shrug, still not opening his eyes. “A month? A year? Maybe a little more. I don’t want to rush this, and I’m more than happy to wait for just the right time.”

Considering this, Adrien leaned back against the wall and frowned. A few minutes of silence passed between them.

“So… is that a no on the band then…?”

Carapace snorted, which quickly turned into a laugh. A laugh which proved contagious as soon enough, Adrien was laughing along with him.

----------------------

A few days later and they were visiting their parents. They tried to have dinner with them once a week if they could manage it. It usually gave them the opportunity to catch up and swap stories and just recharge after doing their own thing. And it would only get harder to do once the internship started or when Adrien would start picking up more photoshoots during the summer fashion season.

At the moment, Adrien and Marinette were in the kitchen with Tom, helping to make dinner. They were just putting the finishing touches on it when Adrien heard Sabine call from the living room.

“Tom? Kids?” Immediately, her voice put him on edge. There was an undercurrent of worry to it. Given how calm and collected Sabine usually was, it had to be something big to affect her. “Can you come in here? There is something on the television I think you should see.”

Adrien exchanged a look with the others. From the looks on their faces, he could only assume that they had reached the same conclusion as him. They hustled out of the room and entered the living room just as Sabine was turning up the volume.

There on the screen was Adrien’s face looking right back at him, with the headline, “Last Scion of Disgraced Agrestes paired with Rising Star of Fashion Industry.”

It felt as if a pit had opened up to swallow Adrien, that the very ground beneath his feet had betrayed him. All at once he was reminded of the days, the weeks, the months that he had spent hounded by opportunistic journalists without a shred of dignity. His every waking - and often even sleeping - moment stalked, all in the hopes of selling a few more papers.

He still had nightmares about that. But now it looked like that nightmare hadn’t ended. Not really. It reminded him that maybe it would never end. That he’d forever be haunted by the sins of his family.

All that passed through his head in the span of a few moments, a downward spiral like a rocket crashing from orbit. It drove him to his knees, gripping fistfuls of his hair as tears ran down his face, muttering to himself in a quiet droning:

“Nononononono…”

#Miraculous Ladybug #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Adrien Agreste #Adrienette #Tikki #Nino Lahiffe #Carapace #djwifi #ml fanfiction #my writing #Eating Habits #The Lucky One series

[cielrouge]

2018 YA Reads by Authors of Color

#PrettyBoy Must Die by Kimberly Reid - A CIA prodigy's cover is blown when he accidentally becomes an internet sensation, inspired by the #Alexfromtarget story.

500 Words or Less by Juleah del Rosario - To redefine her reputation senior year, Nic Chen begins writing their college admissions essays. But the more essays Nic writes for other people, the less sure she becomes of herself, and whether her moral compass even points north anymore.

After the Shot Drops by Randy Ribar - A powerful novel about friendship, basketball, and one teen's mission to create a better life for his family in the tradition of Jason Reynolds and Walter Dean Myers.   

A Girl Like That by Tanaz Bhathena - When half-Hindu, half-Parsi school troublemaker Zarin Wadia dies in a car crash with a boy named Porus, no one in her South Asian community in Jeddah is surprised—what else would you expect from a girl like that?

A Land of Permanent Goodbyes by Atia Abawi -  After their home in Syria is bombed, Tareq and family seek refuge, first with extended family in Raqqa, a stronghold for the militant group, Daesh, and then abroad.

A Reaper At the Gates (An Ember in the Ashes #3) by Sabaa Tahir - Within the Empire, the threat of war looms, putting Laia, Helene, and Elias at risk. 

A Thousand Beginnings and Endings edited by Ellen Oh & Elsie Chapman - 15 bestselling and acclaimed authors reimagine the folklore and mythology of East and South Asia in short stories that are by turns enchanting, heartbreaking, romantic, and passionate. 

All of This is True by Lygia Day Penaflor - Four privileged Long Island teens befriend their favorite YA author with disastrous results.

All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages edited by Saundra Mitchell - A historical-fiction anthology shines the spotlight on queer teens, from as far back as the 1300s to the 21st century.

All That I Can Fix by Crystal Chan - Ronney kept believing his dad would snap out of it and shape up—until his hope turned into anger.

All the Stars Denied by Guadalupe Garcia McCall - In this companion novel to SHAME THE STARS, McCall covers the hidden history of the United States and its first mass deportation event that swept up hundreds of thousands of Mexican American citizens during the Great Depression.

Along the Indigo by Elsie Chapman - Love, mystery, and tragedy unfold for Marsden and Jude in a small town with a haunted past.

American Panda by Gloria Chao - An incisive, laugh-out-loud contemporary debut about a Taiwanese-American teen, Mei whose parents want her to be a doctor and marry a Taiwanese Ivy Leaguer despite her squeamishness with germs and crush on a Japanese classmate.

American Road Trip by Patrick Flores-Scott - After Teodoro’s older brother, Manny, left for Iraq, the Avilas begin to fall apart. But in a desperate effort to save Manny from himself and pull their family back together, T's fiery sister Xochitl hoodwinks her brothers into a road trip with many stops along the road to visit loved ones from their past. 

Americanized: Rebel Without a Greencard by Sara Saedi - Saedi recounts her teen years growing up and coming of age in 1990s California while fearing deportation for herself and her undocumented family.

Analee in Real Life by Janelle Milanes - A genuinely fresh spin on Pygmalion in high school, starring Cuban-American Analee Echevarria. 

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro - Rooted in the working-class neighborhoods of Oakland, California, this is a tale of black teenager Moss Jeffries, diverse in sexuality and gender, organizing to challenge state-sanctioned violence.

The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan - Leigh Chen Sanders is absolutely certain about one thing: When her mother died by suicide, she turned into a bird .Leigh, who is half Asian and half white, travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. There, she is determined to find her mother, the bird. In her search, she winds up chasing after ghosts, uncovering family secrets, and forging a new relationship with her grandparents. 

The Beauty that Remains by Ashley Woodfolk - Music brought Autumn, Shay, and Logan together. But when tragedy strikes each of them, somehow music is no longer enough. Now Logan can’t stop watching vlogs of his dead ex-boyfriend. Shay is a music blogger struggling to keep it together. And Autumn sends messages that she knows can never be answered. Despite the odds, one band's music will reunite them and prove that after grief, beauty thrives in the people left behind. 

The Belles by Dhonielle Clayton - In the opulent world of Orléans, Belles are revered, for they control Beauty. Camellia Beauregard wants to be recognized as the most talented Belle in the land. But she soon finds that behind the gilded palace walls live dark secrets. When the Queen of Orléans asks Camellia to risk her own life and help the ailing princess by using Belle powers in unintended ways, Camellia faces an impossible decision.

Beneath the Citadel by Destiny Soria - In the city of Eldra, people are ruled by ancient prophecies. For centuries, the high council has stayed in power by virtue of the prophecies of the elder seers. In the present day, Cassa, the orphaned daughter of rebels, is determined to fight back against the high council. But by the time Cassa and her friends uncover the mystery of the final infallible prophecy, it may be too late to save the city — or themselves.

Between the Lines by Nikki Grimes - A new group of students join Mr. Ward’s poetry class in the companion novel to Bronx Masquerade

A Blade So Black by L.L. McKinney - The first time the Nightmares came, it nearly cost Alice her life. Now she's trained to battle monstrous creatures in the dark dream realm known as Wonderland. But when Alice's handsome and mysterious mentor is poisoned, she has to find the antidote by venturing deeper into Wonderland than she’s ever gone before.

Blanca & Roja by Anne-Marie McLemore - The del Cisne girls, Blanca & Roja, have never just been sisters; they’re also rivals. Because of a generations-old spell, their family is bound to a bevy of swans deep in the woods. But when two local boys become drawn into the game, the swans’ spell intertwines with the strange and unpredictable magic lacing the woods, and all four of their fates depend on facing truths that could either save or destroy them. 

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The Boyfriend Bracket by Kate Evangelista - Stella has had a hopeless crush on Will, her older brother's best friend FOREVER, but now that Cam and Will have graduated and are going off to college, this year is her chance to really strike out on her own. With the help of her best friend Franklin, she comes up with the perfect plan to have a boyfriend by Christmas: The Boyfriend Bracket. Or it seems like the perfect plan...right up until Will starts showing up again.

Broken Beautiful Hearts by Kami Garcia - Cuban-American Peyton Rios is a rising soccer star to discovers her boyfriend’s dark secret, and confronts him—and finds herself falling down a flight of stairs. Peyton’s knee—and maybe her dream of going pro—is shattered. With her future on the line, Peyton goes to stay with her uncle in a small Tennessee town to focus on her recovery. Dating is the last thing on her mind—until she meets sweet, sexy Owen Law. 

Bruja Born (Brooklyn Brujas #2) by Zoraida Cordova - Teenage bruja Lula Mortiz tries to save her boyfriend, Maks, by cheating Death; however, Lady de la Muerte is not so easily bested.

Buried Beneath the Baobab Tree by Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani - The unnamed young Nigerian narrator of this novel, with a loving family and academic aspirations, is kidnapped by Boko Haram along with many other girls and women from her village.

Catching Teller Crow by Ambelin & Ezekiel Kwaymullina - Nothing's been the same for Beth Teller since she died. Her dad, a detective, is the only one who can see and hear her - and he's drowning in grief. But now they have a mystery to solve together. Who is Isobel Catching, and what's her connection to the fire that killed a man? 

Chainbreaker (Timekeeper #2) by Tara Sim - In 1876, someone is destroying the clock towers that control India’s time. Teenage mechanics Danny Hart and half-white, half-Indian Daphne Richards as they travel to Agra to investigate a series of clock tower bombings. 

Check Please! Book 1: Hockey by Nogzi Ukazu - A collection of the first half of the megapopular webcomic series of the same name, Check, Please!: #Hockey is the first book of a hilarious coming-of-age story about hockey, bros, and trying to find yourself during the best four years of your life.

Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi - 17-year-old Zélie and companions journey to a mythic island seeking a chance to bring back magic to the land of Orïsha, in a fantasy world infused with the textures of West Africa.

Crown of Thunder (Beasts Made of Night #2) by Tochi Onyebuchi - Taj has escaped Kos, but Queen Karima will go to any means necessary—including using the most deadly magic—to track him down.

Damselfly by Chandra Prasad- In the wake of crash-landing on a deserted tropical island, Samantha Mishra and her other private school classmates must rely on their wits and one another to survive. 

Dear Heartbreak edited by Heather Denetrios - This is a book about the dark side of love: the way it kicks your ass, tears out your heart, and then forces you to eat it, bite by bloody bite. If you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone. 

The Devil’s Thief (The Last Magician #2) by Lisa Maxwell - Esta and Harte set off on a cross-country chase through time to steal back the elemental stones they need to save the future of magic.

The Demon Race by Alexandria Warwick - When 17-year-old Namali learns of her arranged marriage, she flees home and enters the Demon Race for the chance to change her fate. But to compete, she must cross the Saraj on a daeva, a shadow demon that desires its own reward: to infect her soul with darkness. In this race of men and demons, only one can win. But the price of winning might be more than Namali is willing to pay.

Djinn by Sang Kromah - Bijou Fitzroy is strange. With the unwanted gift of being an empath, she has spent her entire life as a sheltered recluse. When Bijou and her grandmother move to Sykesville and she starts to attend the local high school, Bijou’s world begins to crumble. Town locals begin to disappear and the creatures from her nightmares begin to take shape in her reality. She finds herself at the center of a war she never knew was being fought all around her.

The Disturbed Girls’ Dictionary by NoNieqa Ramos - Officially classified as “disturbed,” Puerto Rican Macy vents her rage, frustrations, and fears in a dictionary-style journal.

Down and Across by Arvin Ahmadi While his parents travel to Iran to visit his ailing grandfather, 16-year-old Iranian-American Scott Ferdowsi quits his boring summer lab internship in Philadelphia and secretly travels to D.C., seeking answers about his (in)ability to succeed.

Dread Nation by Justina Ireland - The Civil War is over, but mostly because the dead rose at Gettysburg—and then started rising everywhere else. Fighting the undead is a breeze for Jane McKenne, an Attendant, trained in both weaponry and etiquette to protect the well-to-do. But the fight for freedom? That’s a different story.

Dream Country by Shannon Gibney - The heartbreaking story of five generations of young people from a single African-and-American family pursuing an elusive dream of freedom. 

Driving by Starlight by Anat Deracine - Two teenage girls in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, rebel against a patriarchal culture while struggling to navigate their complex family lives.

Emergency Contact by Mary H.K. Choi - A secret relationship conducted almost exclusively via text buoys Korean-American college freshman Penny Lee, slouching awkwardly toward adulthood and a 21-year-old cafe manager who is trying to clean up the mess his life has become.

Empress of All Seasons by Emiko Jean - Each generation, a competition is held to find the next empress of Honoku. The rules are simple. Survive the palace’s enchanted seasonal rooms. Marry the prince. Torn between duty and love, loyalty and betrayal, vengeance and forgiveness, the choices of Mari, Taro, and Akira will decide the fate of Honoku. 

The Fall of Innocence by Jenny Torres Sanchez - When she was 8 years old, half-Mexican, half-El Salvadoran Emilia DeJesus was brutally assaulted. But when a startling discovery about her attacker's identity comes to light, and the memories of that day break through the mental box in which she'd shut them away, Emilia is forced to confront her new reality and make sense of shifting truths about her past, her family, and herself. 

Final Draft by Riley Redgate - 18-year-old high school senior Laila Piedra is determined to write the best sci-fi story ever. Dr. Nazarenko has led Laila to believe that she must choose between perfection and sanity—but rejecting her all-powerful mentor may be the only way for Laila to thrive.

The Final Six by Alexandra Monir -  Italian-American Leo Danieli and Iranian-American Naomi Ardalan must become astronauts in record time for an inaugural space mission.

Finding Yvonne by Brandy Colbert - Yvonne's longtime plans to play violin professionally seem to be falling apart as she nears graduation. Feeling unmoored, she begins seeing a street performer while also pondering her longtime relationship with her father's sous chef. Ultimately her unexpected pregnancy forces some hard talks and hard choices.

Fire & Heist by Sarah Beth Durst - In Sky Hawkins's family, leading your first heist is a major milestone. Embarking on a life of crime is never easy, and Sky discovers secrets about her mother, who recently went missing, the real reason her boyfriend broke up with her, and a valuable jewel that could restore her family's wealth and rank in their community.

For A Muse of Fire by Heidi Heilig - 16-year-old shadow puppeteer Jetta Chantray performs with her family’s traveling troupe, the Ros Nai. Her skill and fame are her family’s way to earn a spot aboard the royal ship to Aquitan, where rumor has it the Mad King has a spring that cures his ills. But as rebellion seethes and as Jetta meets a young smuggler, she will face truths and decisions that she never imagined—and safety will never seem so far away.

Fresh Ink edited by Lamar Giles - 13 leading YA voices from diverse backgrounds lend their talents to this anthology of 12 fictional short stories.

From Twinkie, With Love by Sandhya Menon - Aspiring filmmaker and wallflower Twinkle Mehra has stories she wants to tell. So when fellow film geek Sahil Roy approaches her to direct a movie for the upcoming Summer Festival, Twinkle is all over it. The chance to publicly showcase her voice as a director? Dream come true. The fact that it gets her closer to her longtime crush, Neil Roy—a.k.a. Sahil’s twin brother? Dream come true x 2.

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan - Thrust into the beauty and horror of the Hidden Palace, will Paper Girl Lei survive?

Girls on the Line by Jennie Liu - A teen pregnancy puts two orphan girls in contemporary China on a collision course with factory bosses, family planning regulators, and a bride trafficker.

Give Me Some Truth by Eric Gansworth - In the 1980s, Carson Mastick’s Native American coming-of-age story grapples with the day-to-day details of teenagers’ lives on and off the reservation.

The Healer by Donna Freitas - Marlena Oliveira has—mysteriously, miraculously—been given the power to heal all kinds of ailments. But her power comes at a price: she can’t go to school, she can’t have friends her own age, and she certainly can’t date.Then she meets Finn, a boy who makes her want to fall in love. For the first time, she begins to doubt whether her gift is worth all that she must give up to keep it.

The Heartforger (Bone Witch #2) by Rin Chupeco - With a thirst for vengeance, a band of terrifying daeva at her command, and her resurrected lover Kalen by her side, dark asha Tea is ready to face her adversaries.

Hearts Unbroken by Cynthia Leitich Smith - A thoughtful story of Native American Louise Wolfe navigating the complicated, confusing waters of high school — and first love.

Hide With Me by Sorboni Banerjee - A powerful story about the unbreakable bonds of friendship, the headiness of first love, and the courage to fight for a brighter future against all odds.

Home and Away by Candice Montgomery - Tasia Quirk is young, Black, and fabulous. But when she catches her mamma trying to stuff a mysterious box in the closet, her identity is suddenly called into question. Now Tasia’s determined to unravel the lies that have overtaken her life. 

Hope is Our Only Wing by Rutendo Tavengerwei - In Zimbabwe, 15-year-old Shamiso, struggles with grief and bewilderment following her father's death. For Tanyaradzwa, whose life has been turned upside down by a cancer diagnosis, hope is the only reason to keep fighting. As the two of them form an unlikely friendship, Shamiso begins to confront her terrible fear of loss. 

I Am Thunder by Muhammad Khan 15-year-old Muzna Saleem, who dreams of being a writer, struggles with controlling parents who only care about her studying to be a doctor. Forced to move to a new school in South London, Muzna realizes that the bullies will follow her wherever she goes. As her new freedom starts to disappear, Muzna is forced to question everything around her and make a terrible choice - keep quiet and betray herself, or speak out and betray her heart?

Ignite the Stars by Maura Milan - Criminal mastermind and unrivaled pilot, Ia Cocha has spent her life terrorizing the Olympus Commonwealth, the imperialist nation that destroyed her home. When she’s captured, Ia is trapped at the Commonwealth’s military academy, desperately plotting her escape. But new acquaintances—including Brinn and their charming Flight Master, Knives—cause Ia to question her own alliances. Can she find a way to escape the Commonwealth’s clutches before these bonds deepen?

Imagine Us Happy by Jennifer Yu - Stella lives with depression. But when she meets Kevin, she feels less lonely, listened to—and hopeful for the first time since ever…But to keep that feeling, Stella lets her grades go and her friendships slide. With her life spinning out of control, she’s got to figure out what she truly needs, what’s worth saving—and what to let go.

Inferno (Talon #5) by Julie Kagawa - Ember Hill has learned a shocking truth about herself: she is the blood of the Elder Wyrm, the ancient dragon who leads Talon and who is on the verge of world domination. With the stakes rising and the Elder Wyrm declaring war, time is running out for the rogues and any dragon not allied with Talon. The final battle approaches. And if Talon is victorious, the world will burn.

Into the Black (Beyond the Red #2) by Ava Jae - The revelation of Eros’ parentage leads to political intrigues and a change in his relationship with Kora.

Isan by Mary Ting - After meteors devastate the Earth, 17-year-old Ava struggles to survive and ends up in juvenile detention, until she is selected for a new life—with a catch. She must be injected with an experimental serum. To receive the serum Ava agrees to join a program controlled by ISAN, the International Sensory Assassin Network.While on a mission, she is abducted by a rebel group led by Rhett and told that not only does she have a history with him, but her entire past is a lie perpetuated by ISAN to ensure her compliance. Unsure of who to trust, Ava must decide if her strangely familiar and handsome captor is her enemy or her savior—and time is running out. 

Isle of Blood and Stone by Makiia Lucier - Mysterious maps from opposite ends of the sea cast doubt on the whereabouts of two princes, presumed dead.

Jazz Owls by Margarita Engle -  Against the backdrop of World War II, a patriotic Mexican-American family proudly contributes to the war effort despite pervasive racism.

Jinxed by Amy McCulloch - Lacey Chu has big dreams of becoming a companioneer for MONCHA, the largest tech firm in North America and the company behind the  "baku" - a customisable smart pet that functions as a phone but makes the perfect companion too. One night, Lacey comes across the remains of an advanced, but broken baku. Days of work later when the baku opens its eyes, Lacey calls him Jinx. Slowly but surely, Jinx becomes more than just a baku to Lacey. But what is Jinx, really? He seems to be more than just a robotic pet. He seems...real.

Kingdom of the Blazing Phoenix (Rise of the Empress #2) by Julie C. Dao - Princess Jade has grown up in exile, hidden away in a monastery while her stepmother, the ruthless Xifeng, rules as empress of Feng Lu. Ready to reclaim her place as rightful heir, Jade embarks on a quest to raise the Dragon Lords and defeat Xifeng and the Serpent God once and for all. 

Learning to Breathe by Janice Lynn Mather - Sent away to live with relatives in Nassau, Bahamas, to escape her mother’s wild lifestyle, Indira’s new home is anything but a sanctuary.

Legacy of Light (The Effgies #3) by Sarah Raughley - After Saul’s strike on Oslo—one seemingly led by Maia herself—the Effigies’ reputation is in shambles. Belle has gone rogue, Chae Rin and Lake have disappeared, and the Sect is being dismantled and replaced by a terrifying new world order helmed by Blackwell. If the Effigies can’t put the pieces together soon, there may not be much left of the world they’ve fought so desperately to save.

Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann - Alice has her blissful summer take an unexpected turn when she meets Takumi and can’t stop thinking about him. As they get closer, Alice, who is asexual, has to decide if she’s willing to risk their friendship for a love that might not be reciprocated—or understood.

Live in Infamy by Caroline Tung Richmond - In an alternate world in which the Axis Powers won WWII, 16-year-old Chinese-American Ren Cabot grapples with the cost of revolution.

Love, Hate & Other Filters by Samira Ahmed - High school senior Maya Aziz works up the courage to tell her parents that she’s gotten into the film school of her dreams in New York City, but their expectations combined with anti-Muslim backlash from a terror attack threaten to derail her dream.

Love & War (Alex & Eliza #2) by Melissa de la Cruz - As the war for American Independence carries on, two newlyweds are settling into their new adventure: marriage. But the honeymoon's over, and Alexander Hamilton and Eliza Schuyler are learning firsthand just how tricky wedded life can be, tested by lingering jealousies and family drama.

Lovely, Dark, and Deep by Justina Chen - Biracial Viola Li has her future as a globe-trotting journalist all planned out, but everything comes into question when her body suddenly betrays her, after she develops an extreme case of photosensitivity, an inexplicable allergy to sunlight. 

The Lost Kids (Never Ever #2) by Sara Saedi - Just a few weeks ago, Wylie Dalton was living on a magical island where nobody ages past 17. Now, her home is a creaky old boat where she's joined a ragtag group of cast-offs from the island. But when the Lost Kids invade Minor Island, they're shocked to find it totally deserted, except for one survivor who reveals the shocking news: adults have discovered the island.

Mariam Sharma Hits the Road by Sheba Karim - Three Pakistani-American teens, Mariam, Ghazala, and Umar, go on a cathartic summer road trip through the Deep South.

Meet-Cute edited by Jennifer L. Armetrout - Whether or not you believe in fate, or luck, or love at first sight, every romance has to start somewhere, an anthology of original short stories featuring tales of "how they first met" from some of today’s most popular YA authors. 

Mem by Bethany C. Morrow - In alternate reality Montreal (1925), a young woman’s personality is the result of a startling experimental procedure, leaving her to struggle with the question of who she really is.

Mirage by Somaiya Daud - In a star system dominated by the brutal Vathek empire, 18-year-old Amani is a dreamer. But when adventure comes for Amani, it is not what she expects: she is kidnapped by the regime and become the body double of the cruel Princess Maram. As Amani is forced into her new role, she can’t help but enjoy the palace’s beauty—and her time with the princess’ fiancé, Idris. But the glitter of the royal court belies a world of violence and fear. If Amani ever wishes to see her family again, she must play the princess to perfection. 

Monday’s Not Coming by Tiffany D. Jackson - Washington, D.C., eighth-graders Claudia Coleman and her best (and only) friend, Monday Charles, were inseparable, often mistaken for twins—until the day Monday disappeared.

Monk! by Youssef Daoudi - This vividly illustrated biography of jazz legend Thelonious Monk brings to life his relationship with the headstrong baroness who would become a life long friend and patron.

Monsters (The Reckoner #2) by David A. Robertson - Cole Harper is struggling to settle into life in Wounded Sky First Nation. He may have stopped a serial killer but the trouble is far from over. A creature lurks in the shadows of Blackwood Forest, the health clinic is on lockdown by a mysterious organization, and long-held secrets threaten to bubble to the surface. Can Cole learn the truth about his father's death? 

My So-Called Bollywood Life by Nisha Sharma - A fresh, madcap rom-com in which a Princeton, New Jersey, high school senior, aspiring film school student, and Bollywood junkie Vaneeta “Winnie” Mehta navigates the dramas of real life.

Not the Girls You’re Looking For by Aminah Mae Safi - Iraqi-American Leila “Lulu” Saad is about to graduate from high school with her three best friends by her side, but things get messy and senior year becomes a little more complicated than expected.

Odd One Out by Nic Stone - Courtney Cooper is in love with his longtime female best friend, Jupiter Charity-Sanchez, who is an out-and-proud lesbian. But the arrival of a new friend, Rae Evelyn Chin, who is questioning her sexuality, complicates their relationship and inspires new questions and possibilities between the trio. 

Out of Left Field by Kris Hui Lee - Marnie’s love of baseball—and the stalwart friends with whom she plays the game with such passion—has been the centerpiece of her life; but now she’s 17 and things are changing after she replaces Cody, the school’s star pitcher. With her own team against her, Marnie begins questioning her abilities. And when fate throws her a curveball, can she play without losing the game, Cody, and her belief in herself?

The Outcast (Summoner #4) by Taran Matharu - Arcturus is just an orphaned stable boy when he discovers he has the ability to summon demons from another world and sent to Vocans Academy. As the first commoner gifted with this ability, his discovery challenges the nobility and the powers that be and Arcturus soon makes enemies. With no one but his demon Sacharissa by his side, Arcturus must prove himself as a worthy Summoner...

Period: 12 Voices Tell the Bloody Truth edited by Kate Farrell - In this collection, writers of various ages and across racial, cultural, and gender identities share stories about the period. Each of twelve authors brings an individual perspective and sensibility. Told with warmth and humor, these essays celebrate all kinds of period experiences.

Picture Us in the Light by Kelly Loy Gilbert - Chinese-American Danny Cheng has always known his parents have secrets. But when he discovers a taped-up box in his father's closet filled with old letters and a file on a powerful Silicon Valley family, he realizes there's much more to his family's past than he ever imagined.

Pitch Dark by Courtney Alameda - Set against a future of marauding space scavengers and deadly aliens who kill with sound, Tuck and Laura must survive abroad the USS John Muir. 

The Place Between Breaths by An Na  - Walking away from those we love most may seem like the kindest thing we can do, but it’s a choice that will forever haunt those we leave behind: this holds true for 16-year-old Grace. 

The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevdeo - In Harlem, NY, Dominican-American Xiomara Batista who dubs herself The Poet X, clashes with her strict, Catholic mother and runs up against her own self-doubt as she explores her doubts about religion, her fears of dating, and her budding talent for slam poetry. 

Pride by Ibi Zoboi - 17-year-old Haitian-Domitian-American Zuri Benitez deals with gentrification in her Brooklyn Bushwick neighborhood and her own bias against Darius Darcy and his rich family in this Pride and Prejudice remix.

The Prince and the Dressmaker by Jen Wang - Prince Sebastian has a secret: at night he puts on daring dresses and takes Paris by storm as the fabulous Lady Crystallia. Sebastian’s secret weapon (and best friend) is the brilliant dressmaker Frances. But Frances dreams of greatness, and being someone’s secret weapon means being a secret. Forever. How long can Frances defer her dreams to protect a friend?

Reflection: A Twisted Fable by Elizabeth Lim - What if Mulan had to travel to the Underworld? When Captain Shang is mortally wounded by Shan Yu in battle, Mulan must travel to the Underworld, Diyu, in order to save him from certain death. Will Mulan be able to save Shang before it's too late? Will he ever be able to trust her again? Or will she lose him--and be lost in the Underworld--forever?

The Resolutions by Mia Garcia - From hiking trips, to four-person birthday parties, to never-ending group texts, Jess, Lee, Ryan, and Nora have always been inseparable—and unstoppable. But now, with senior year on the horizon, they’ve been splintering off and growing apart. And so, Jess makes a plan and adds a new twist: instead of making their own resolutions, the four friends assign them for each other—dares like kiss someone you know is wrong for you, show your paintings, learn Spanish, say yes to everything.

Restore Me (Shatter Me #4) by Tahereh Mafi - Juliette Ferrars thought she'd won. She took over Sector 45, was named the new Supreme Commander, and now has Warner by her side. But she's still the girl with the ability to kill with a single touch. When tragedy hits, who will she become?

Run, Riot by Nikesh Shukla - When teenagers Hari and Jamal film an unarmed youth from their estate being beaten by police, they find themselves hunted. But as they go on the run with Hari's twin sister, Taran, and Jamal's girlfriend, Anna, the four friends discover that the truth behind the shooting goes deeper. 

Running with Lions by Julian Winters - A multiethnic group of Midwestern teenage boys contend with soccer and sexual identity. 

The Season of Rebels and Roses by Virginia Sanchez-Korrol - Ranging from Puerto Rico to Cuba and the United States, this engaging novel set in the late 1880s, follows historical figures that were instrumental in the fight for self-determination in Puerto Rico.

Secrets of the Casa Rosada by Alex Temblador - 16-year-old Mexican-American Martha has to adjust to a new life with her maternal grandmother, a respected curanderaor healer in Laredo, Texas, after her reliably unreliable mother dumps her at the pink house filled with tokens of her mom's childhood that might, maybe, explain why she abandoned Martha, leaving her with a family she never knew existed.

The Secret Science of Magic by Melissa Keil - A quirky high school romance unfolds in the alternating voices of math whiz Sophia and aspiring magician Joshua. In life and love, timing is everything. 

Shadow of the Fox by Julie Kagawa - Demons have burned the temple Yumeko was raised in to the ground, killing everyone within, including the master who trained her to both use and hide her kitsune shapeshifting powers. Yumeko escapes with the temple’s greatest treasure—one part of the ancient scroll. Fate thrusts her into the path of a mysterious samurai, Kage Tatsumi of the Shadow Clan. Yumeko knows he seeks what she has...and is under orders to kill anything and anyone who stands between him and the scroll. 

Shadowsong (Wintersong #2) by S. Jae-Jones - Liesl is working toward furthering both her brother’s and her own musical careers. But when troubling signs arise that the barrier between worlds is crumbling, Liesl must return to the Underground to unravel the mystery of life, death, and the Goblin King—who he was, who he is, and who he will be.

Smoke in the Sun (A Flame in the Mist #2) by Renee Ahdieh - After Okami is captured in the Jukai forest, Mariko has no choice—to rescue him, she tricks her brother, Kenshin, and betrothed, Raiden, into thinking she was being held by the Black Clan against her will. But each secret Mariko unfurls gives way to the next, ensnaring her and Okami in a political scheme that threatens their honor, their love and very the safety of the empire.

Snow in Love: Four Stories by Aimee Friedman, Melissa de la Cruz, Nic Stone & Kasie West - Curl up in front of a crackling fire. Grab a mug of hot cocoa. And delve into this deliciously cozy and compelling YA collection of wintry love stories. 

Someone to Love by Melissa de la Cruz - High school junior Olivia Blakely struggles with disordered eating and a life in the spotlight as her father’s political career starts to rise. 

Sorry Not Sorry by Jamie Reed - Janelle and Alyssa used to be BFFs -- but not anymore. But, suddenly, Alyssa's diabetes becomes the talk of the school. It's turned life-threatening; without a kidney transplant, her chances are not good. Despite reservations, Janelle gets tested and finds that she's a rare, perfect match with Alyssa for a transplant. But organ donations aren't very common in her community, and she starts to feel pushback. When feuds and accusations push the girls further apart, Janelle doesn't know what to do. Will the match bring the girls back together, or drive them apart for good?

A Spark of White Fire by Sangu Mandanna - In a universe of capricious gods, dark moons, and kingdoms built on the backs of spaceships, a cursed queen sends her infant daughter away, a jealous uncle steals the throne of Kali from his nephew, and an exiled prince vows to take his crown back. Raised alone and far away from her home on Kali, Esmae longs to return to her family. When the King of Wychstar offers to gift the unbeatable, sentient warship Titania to a warrior that can win his competition, she sees her way home: she’ll enter the competition, reveal her true identity to the world, and help her famous brother win back the crown of Kali. 

Star-Touched Stories by Roshani Choski - Three lush and adventurous stories in the Star-Touched world.

Star-Crossed by Pintip Dunn - Princess Vela is tasked with choosing a boy fit to die for the king, which is impossible enough. But then Carr, the boy she's loved all her life, emerges as the best candidate in the Bittersweet Trials. Refusing to accept losing the boy she loves, Vela bends the rules and cheats. But when someone begins to sabotage the Trials, Vela must reevaluate her own integrity—and learn the true sacrifice of becoming a ruler.

The Storyteller (Sea of Ink and Gold #3) by Traci Chee - Sefia is determined to keep Archer out of the Guard's clutches and their plans for war between the Five Kingdoms. As Sefia and Archer watch Kelanna start to crumble to the Guard's will, they will have to choose between their love and joining a war that just might tear them apart.

This is Kind of an Epic Love Story by Kacen Callender - Nathan Bird doesn’t believe in happy endings. But his friend Florence, is set on making sure Nate finds someone else. And in a rom-com-worthy twist, someone does come along: Oliver James Hernández, his childhood best friend. After a painful mix-up when they were little, Nate finally has the chance to tell Ollie the truth about his feelings. But can Nate find the courage to pursue his own happily ever after?

Summer Bird Blue by Akemi Dawn Bowman - Music helps a Washington state teenager Rumi Seto overcome guilt and grief after the death of her beloved younger sister, Lea. 

This is What It Feels Like by Rebecca Barrow - It used to be the three of them, Dia, Jules, and Hanna, messing around and making music and planning for the future. But like the lyrics of a song you used to play on repeat, there’s no forgetting a best friend. And for Dia, Jules, and Hanna, this impossible challenge — to ignore the past, in order to jumpstart the future — will only become possible if they finally make peace with the girls they once were, and the girls they are finally letting themselves be.

Thunderhead (Scythe #2) by Neal Shusterman - Rowan and Citra take opposite stances on the morality of the Scythedom, putting them at odds. 

Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now by Dana L. Davis - At 16-years-old, African-American Tiffany Sly suddenly lands on a different planet: Simi Valley, California to live with the biological dad she’s never known. But Tiffany has a secret. Another man claims he’s Tiffany’s real dad—and she only has seven days before he shows up to demand a paternity test and the truth comes out. 

Toil & Trouble: 15 Tales of Women and Witchcraft edited by Jessica Spotwood & Tess Sharpe - A short story collection that illustrates the multitudes of girlhood, womanhood, and magic.

Toxic by Lydia Kang - Hana, a secretly created teen girl, abandoned aboard the sentient biological spaceship Cyclo, which is dying, encounters a mercenary boy doomed, Fennec "Fenn" Actias, to perish on the ship for his last job.

Trail of Lightning by Rebecca Roanhorse - After the Big Water, Maggie Hoskie’s monster-slaying clan powers have woken up. She’s going to need them on a journey culminating in the kind of battle fantasy readers will relish.

Two Dark Reigns (Three Dark Crowns #3) by Kendare Blake - A victorious Katharine sits on the throne, Mirabella and Arsinoe are in hiding, and an unexpected renegade is about to wage a war of her own. The crown has been won, but these queens are far from done.

Tyler Johnson Was Here by Jay Coles - When Marvin's twin brother, Tyler, is found dead by police violence, Marvin falls deep into grief. But with the help of friends and family he finds the strength to confront what happened and fight the forces that took his brother's life.

Umbertouched (Rosemarked #2) by Livia Blackburne - As Shidadi and Dara alike prepare for war, Zivah and Dineas grapple with the toll of their time in the capital. Time is running out for all of them, but especially Zivah whose plague symptoms surface once again. Now, she must decide how she’ll define the life she has left.

Undead Girl Gang by Lily Anderson - When Fairmount Academy is rocked by three apparent suicides in the span of a week, it is up to Mexican-American Wiccan Mila Flores to conjure up the truth.

Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens edited by Marieke Nijkamp - A YA Anthology of short stories featuring disabled teens, written by #OwnVoices disabled authors. 

A Very Large Expanse of Sea by Tahereh Mafi - It’s 2002, a year after 9/11. It’s an extremely turbulent time politically, but especially so for someone like Shirin, a 16-year-old Muslim girl who’s tired of being stereotyped. But then she meets Ocean James. He’s the first person in forever who really seems to want to get to know Shirin. It terrifies her—they seem to come from two irreconcilable worlds—and Shirin has had her guard up for so long that she’s not sure she’ll ever be able to let it down.

The Way You Make Me Feel by Maurene Goo - Korean-American Clara Shin lives for pranks and disruption. When she takes one joke too far, her dad sentences her to a summer working on his food truck, alongside her uptight classmate Rose Carver. But maybe Rose isn't so bad. Maybe the boy named Hamlet Wong crushing on her is pretty cute. Still, what if taking this summer seriously means that Clara has to leave her old self behind? 

Welcome Home edited by Eric Smith - A collection of adoption-themed fictional short stories, and brings them together in one anthology from a diverse range of celebrated YA authors. 

What If It’s Us by Becky Albertalli & Adam Silvera - Ben and Arthur meet cute but lose touch, then have a series of near misses and first date re-dos before finally settling into a relationship. But Arthur's impending departure for the summer and both guys' own insecurities threaten to end something new that's only just begun.

Wildcard (Warcross #2) by Marie Lu - Emika Chen barely made it out of the Warcross Championships alive. Determined to put a stop to Hideo's grim plans, Emika and the Phoenix Riders band together, but her sole chance for survival lies with Zero and the Blackcoats, his ruthless crew. Caught in a web of betrayal, with the future of free will at risk, just how far will Emika go to take down Hideo? 

Wrong in All the Right Ways by Tiffany Brownlee - Everything in Emma's life has always gone according to her very careful plans. But things take a turn toward the unexpected when she falls in love for the first time with the one person in the world who’s off-limits–her new foster brother, the gorgeous and tormented Dylan McAndrews. 

#authors of color #book recommendations #yalit #women of color authors #woc authors #poc authors #diverse ya #awww yisss #it's that time of the year again! #a bit later than I planned #but better late that never I suppose lol #feel free to drop me an ask for additional recs!

[alter-me-away-from-public-eye]

Synopsis: Alex is Jared Padalecki’s cousin and bestfriend. She first meets Jensen Ackles when he came to Jared’s but lost contact with him after the break. But when the Supernatural cast went to Italy for a convention, they now have a second chance at a relationship.

Warnings: Slight smut, fluff

Part 6: First Date (Mostly Alex)

Jared

I woke up with somebody else's leg over my own. Looking at the clock on my bedside table without having to wake up Alex, and seeing that it was only 7 in the morning, I wanted to go back to sleep so bad. But when I closed my eyes, I felt the leg vanish over me and movement clear beside me. Slowly, I turned around to see Alex already sitting on the edge of the bed with her face staring at her phone screen.

"Why are up so early?" I asked.

"Jensen asked me out on a date." she whispered.

I knew. Jensen asked me first if he could ask her out on a date. Of course I said he could but only if she wanted to.

"I know. He told me"

"He did?" She frowned. "I suppose you told him to go for it, right?"

"Naturally. Why? What's wrong?"

She shifted unconsciously and turned to look at me. "I said yes but I'm not sure if I should have."

"What are you so afraid of?"

"I don't know." She sighed. "I guess I don't want to start something I know I couldn't finish."

This time, I sighed. Alex knows the struggle of dating a celebrity. And I have myself to blame for that. Of all the girls I've dated before, no one really stayed, mostly because of the schedule I had. If I ever dated someone from the industry, none lasted longer than a year. And Alex knows all about it. She thinks guys with my kind of job would do better with girls who doesn't work or go to school so the girl won't mind having to leave at the last minute or travel for a long time. But she also says having a girl like that would mean we have to work double to pay for everything.

"Long distance relationships do exist, Al." I tried telling her. "Like us."

"It's not the same. You're my cousin and I know even though we don't get to talk for a long time, you will always be there. And I don't have to worry about you cheating on me, duh." she rolled her eyes at me. "Not like it matters anyway. I won't let this get farther."

Knowing my cousin, nothing I say would change her mind. Instead, I'd just let her be and hope Jensen can actually get through her.

Alex

I have nothing to wear tonight.

Jensen will be picking me up in a few hours yet I'm still wearing sweats. I called up my mom if she'd like to go shopping but she said she had matters to attend. I have my other cousins in town that might come but I don't really want to bother them today especially since it looks like another thunderstorm is coming. Maybe Jensen will cancel the date, though.

As I was actually hoping for a cancelation, my phone buzzed.

Jensen: Wear something nice. Don't worry about the storm. It'll pass soon.

"Great." I mumbled to myself.

Not knowing a lot of people here, I called the only person I know I can bother as much as I like. My brother.

"Hey Max, wanna go shopping?"

"No."

"C'mon! My treat!" I bribed.

I heard a muffled sound over the phone, probably asking dad if he could go shopping with me. "Yeah sure, but I'm driving."

We got to the mall just in time as rain started pouring. It's only half past 11 so I still had hours left before the date. Max wanted to eat first, and being the best sister that I am, I let him choose where. We ended up eating at some italian restaurant, of all places. Max's taste buds are very italian, unlike mine. I still prefer good ol' grilled steak.

I can see a lot of girls eyeing my brother while he sat there not having a care in the world. I must say, between us siblings, Max got the better genes. He's more European than he is American. And he's tall too. 15 and already catching up with me. Mind you, I'm the tallest among my friends.

I dragged him inside a boutique I found that seemed alright. There weren't much people around so it was easy to look around. Even though Max hated shopping, I can always depend on his choices. I took out a few dresses to try and each one I had Max to judge. Two dresses out, I'm already trying on the third one. It was a simple backless black dress with a slit on one side that stops right on my thigh. It wasn't slutty but it's not completely innocent either, just the right amount.

I walked out from the changing room and Max nodded approvingly. I looked in the mirror and thought, for about half a second, that I looked like the kind if person I would totally have a girl crush on if I haven't really known myself. I changed back to my original clothes and paid for the dress. The saleslady recommended buying the black pair of heels it goes best with and I did. Satisfied, I left the store and looked for Max. He was already waiting for me by the railings.

"Do you want anything?" I asked.

"I might need new shoes." He smirked. I nodded and let him lead the way. We went inside a Nike store and his face instantly lit up. If there's one thing I know about my brother, it's his love for shoes and books. As he was out there choosing, I sat by one of the benches they had. I took out my phone and noticed I received an email.

To: Alex Lewis

Subject: Project

I'm sorry to bother you this holiday season, Ms. Lewis. The client wants a little alteration in the design. I'm sending you the details with this message and hope that you can find the time to look it over while you are at the America.

R. S.

I groaned. It was enough to think about a date with Jensen, but to add another work problem is a disaster. I decided to stay at one issue at a time and actually focus on tonight's event since it has been a while since I've been on a date.

Max came up to me a few minutes later with a pair of sneakers on hand. I gave him my card and told him to pay for it himself. He happily took it and walked away. At least someone is happy.

We got to the hotel around three in the afternoon. I still have to inform Jensen to pick me up at the hotel instead of Jared's house. As soon as I sent the message, I quickly went to shower. My body relaxes as the warm water hit my skin.

I stepped out of the shower smelling like strawberries and peach, dried my hair and body, and put on black lacy underwear. Then, I put on the dress effortlessly. Living in Milan, a fashion driven city, I learned to dress up. I applied a little make up and brushed my hair carefully. Just as I was about to be done, Max knocked and peeked a little through the open door.

"Some guy left this for you." He handed me a white box tied with a black ribbon.

"What guy?" I asked.

"The one at Jared's backyard. He called me down."

I opened the box and a beautiful silver necklace with a heart pendant surprised me. This is just what I need to complete the look! I slowly put it on me and without thinking, I touched the heart shaped pendant.

"He said he'll be waiting at the lobby." Max informed.

I nodded.

It took me about 10 minutes to reach the lobby. He was sitting at the couch wearing a black suit and tie. So formal. I didn't realize we were matching outfits. When he saw me, he immediately stood and walked towards me. I smiled at him and took the hand he offered.

"You look beautiful" he whispered.

"You don't look bad yourself" I giggled.

He led me to a black SUV and I got in. He walked over to the driver's seat and started the ignition. All my worries washed away by how beautiful the night was. No one would think it rained like hell earlier because tonight, the sky was as clear as it can be.

I don't know how long we've been driving but we stopped outside a rather small restaurant just outside town. Being the gentleman that he is, he opened the door for me and offered his hand. I gladly took it and let him lead me inside.

The restaurant was lit dimly but just enough for me to realize where we are. I thought it was a simple dinner but when I looked around, I saw the most beautiful paintings all over the room. We were guided by a host to our seats. There aren't a lot of people here tonight. It was just me, Jensen, and two other couples by the end of the room.

"This is wonderful." I said, a little too pleased.

"I'm glad you like it."

"Thanks for the necklace, by the way." I beamed, touching the pendant with my index and thumb.

"No problem. It looks perfect on you." I've never seen him smile so wide and bright like tonight. At that moment, all my fears seemed to disappear. Somehow I hoped this wouldn't be the last.

We ordered our food, had champagne, and talked a little about our day until the food arrived.

"By the way, I forgot to give you this the other day." He took out a cd from his jacket pocket and handed it to me.

I turned it over and squealed excitedly. He gave me a Panic! at the Disco album on our date! "I can't seem to stop thanking you tonight." I smiled.

"You don't have to. Having you here with me is more than enough"

Dinner came through smoothly. Jensen was so easy to talk to. He's funny, charming, and looking like a greek god clearly didn't help my plan to turn him down. I don't think I can ever turn him down.

He asked for the check and I offered to pay at least half of the bill but he wouldn't hear of it. When we got out, I thought we'd go directly to the car but he took my hand on his and guided me through the sidewalk. I felt the cold breeze on my back I started to shiver. He must have felt it because he let go of my hand and took his jacket off and put on me. I smiled as I felt the warmth and scent of his body still stuck inside the coat. He took my hand again and I was more than glad to accept. With courage, I intertwined my fingers with his. He seemed to be happy with it as he tightened his grip on my hand. We stopped at a park bench just a few blocks from the restaurant. We never said a word since we started walking but I wasn't complaining. We said more than we can without even talking.

"Thank you." I whispered.

He looked at me with the same wide and bright smile before slowly leaning closer to me. I was staring at his beautiful green eyes as he was getting closer. I closed my eyes as I felt his lips brush on mine for a second and then let go. I opened my eyes and saw those green eyes again, staring intently. Without a second thought, his lips were connected to mine once again, this time more passionately. He placed a hand on my cheek and another on my waist, pulling me closer. I wrapped my arms around his neck to do the same. I felt his tongue touch my lower lip and I parted my lips just enough to allow him enter. We were like that for a few minutes before needing to part and breathe.

"can we continue this over at my place?" he whispered. I felt shivers over my body at his voice. Not trusting my own, I nodded. We walked back to the restaurant with hands intertwined and hearts one.

The drive back to his house was longer than anticipated. I wasn't sure what to expect when we get there. I don't normally go sneaking around on the first date, much more sneak around with the kind of person I never expected to sneak around with.

The moment his front door closed, he had me pinned on the wall and kissed the italian out of me. His hands were on my waist, tightening. Mine were around his neck pulling him closer. I felt a bulge on my thigh and giggled through the kiss.

"Somebody's a little excited." I whispered on his ear as he left lingering kisses on my neck.

"What are you doing to me?" He whispered back, a moan escaping his lips when I grinded my hips over his hardening pants.

He took off his tie in a matter of seconds and led me to his room. I walked over to the bed and sat at the edge, removing my shoes. Slowly, I let one strap of my dress slip off revealing half of my chest to him. He was still standing by the door, leaning, with a huge plastered smile on his face and eyes filled with so much emotion.

With all the courage I could gather, I stood and I let my dress fall off me, leaving me in nothing but my black lacy panties.

"are you just gonna stand there gawking?" I whispered.

"I might." he responded, hands travelling to unbutton his black shirt and moving closer. His gesture towards the bed may as well be the unveiling of my heart. And the stripping of all my clothes. I could feel my legs getting weaker by the moment as the cool air brushed my naked torso. In attempt to keep my core controlled and not come at the view, I tightened my legs together. But the moan that escaped my mouth gave all of it up.

He ran his hand up and down my shoulder as he kissed the top of my head. .

"Are you sure about this?" he asked.

"Yes."

He pushed me gently on the bed as I felt my back hit the soft mattress. He was hovering over me, shirtless, kissing and sucking on my jaw. I closed my eyes in pleasure and found my hands roaming over his back. He nibbled softly on my neck causing me to whimper. He smiled at himself and went further down to my breast. He sucked one nipple softly while a hand kneaded the other. We were both whimpering as I reached in between our bodies to unbutton his dress pants. His breathing hitched as I found his lips back on my own. I pushed his pants down and he wiggled to get it off him. I felt his covered hard cock rub against my covered wetness as his hands tightened around my waist.

He pulled away before slowly removing his boxers. His quivering member, hard and swollen, sprang free. I saw him smirk when I tried to cover a moan. He hovered back over me and kissed my forehead. His right hand travelled down slowly, leaving soft touches all over my body as he reached my stomach. Without warning, he pushed a hand inside my underwear causing me to moan loudly and yank his hair. He rubbed my clit softly as I try to close my legs.

"Keep them open." he whispered.

I obliged and arched my back as he rubbed harder. He brushed his fingers across my folds to gather the wetness and went to push a finger inside me. I moaned louder than I hoped as he added another finger and began pushing it in and out, curling them in the process. I felt my legs shake and my stomach fill as I was close to releasing. "Come for me" he said while nibbling on my ear. And so I did. I came on his hands, trembling.

He kissed me softly as he pulled my underwear down. He reached to grab a small packet on his night stand and tore it open.

He looked over me before kissing me again. "Tell me if you want to stop."

I nodded.

I felt his hand on my waist as I reached over his shoulders. He was looking intently at me trying to figure if I had second thoughts. I smiled at him and kissed his nose. He reached in between us and pumped his cock a few times before rubbing it along my slit. My breathing grew heavier by the time and I moaned quietly. He carefully aligned himself into my entrance and pushed inside slowly. I closed my eyes at the sudden feeling and wrapped my legs around him. He stayed motionless for about a minute before slowly pulling himself out. I gasped as he pushed back in. Pleasure went over me and I pulled him closer. He kissed my neck with so much passion as my hands went to grip on his hair. His pace increased, hitting my gspot repeatedly and by then, we were both a moaning mess.

"So perfect" he whispered and reached over to rub my clit.

I felt my release growing closer and closer, eyes still closed from all the pleasure.

"I'm gonna come" I moaned into his ear.

"Come for me, babe." I felt him twitch inside me and couldn't stop myself from coming all over his cock. I trembled under him and he continued to push and pull out, making sloppy noises as he did. His breathing hitched and his pace became more and more irregular. About two thrusts in, his cock twitched again and spilled his juices inside me. He thrusted a few more times to help both of us ride our highs before stopping. He staying inside of me for a few more minutes, green eyes scanning my face, and fingers brushing hair strands over my ear.

He pulled himself out and rolled next to me. He pulled me in towards his chest and kissed the top of my hair.

"You are amazing in every way." he said with full emotion.

I smiled as I wrapped my arms around him, feeling his hands run up and down my bare back. He pulled the covers over us with his free hand and pulled me closer as possible. His warmth was enough to help me sleep.

"Good night, J." I whispered.

"Good night, Alex."

Jensen

I woke up to the smell of strawberries washing over me, my arms around a beautiful girl curled next to my naked body. I can't help but smile thinking about last night. It wasn't just sex. No. It was more than that.

I gently brushed a finger over her cheek and her eyes flutter open.

"Good morning." she spoke, snuggling closer into me.

"Good morning." I said, leaning in for a quick peck on her forehead.

We stayed like that for a few minutes before she rolled off the bed and fished through her purse, looking for something. When she found what she's been looking for, she came climbing back to straddle on my chest, naked. I laughed when she brushed her leg on my side but before I can stop, she snapped a photo of me.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Making a memory." She answered, leaning in for a quick kiss.

I grabbed her waist and pulled her to the side as I rolled on top of her. She laughed. I found myself in awe at the movement of her lips and can't help but stare.

"Stop looking at me like that." She giggled.

"Like what?" I smirked.

"Like that." she pointed at me, giggling. I pushed myself into her, enough to be able to rest my head under her chin without crushing her with my weight. I felt her hand play with the hair at the back of my head and another rubbing circles on my back.

"As much as I want to stay, I really need to go." She whispered.

I can hear myself grunt. "Five minutes." I pleaded.

She sighed but nodded.

"Let me drive you home." I offered when we reached the front door.

"You don't have to. I called a cab." she replied, smiling.

I leaned for another kiss which she responded with enthusiasm. Her hair was tied in a messy pony tail, face washed fresh without any makeup, shoes in hand, and a borrowed shirt. But still, I can't seem to help myself think she's the most beautiful girl I've seen in the world.

"Call me when you get home." I said. She got in the cab and waved goodbye.

tagging:

@deans-baby-momma

#jared padalecki #jensen ackles #supernatural #dean winchester #fanfiction #jensen #supernatural fan fiction #jensen ackles smut

[mortaems-blog]

*     taps     mic     *     so,     uh,     is     this     thing     on     ?     hello     !     my     name’s     stevie,     i’m     twenty     (     she/they     pns,     please     )     and     i’m     writing     out     of     aest     !     [     bill     hader     vc     ]     i     like     true     crime     and     pretending     like     i     don’t     have     a     million     things     to     do     outside     of     writing     !     anyways     !     under     the     cut     you’ll     find     information     about     francesca     ramorini,     ezra     kennedy     and     percy     frazer     !     u     know     the     drill,     like     this     &     i’ll     pop     into     your     ims     either     here     or     on     disc.ord     to     plot     !

francesca  magdalene  ramorini.  vampire.  old.

full  name:  francesca  magdalene  ramorini. physical  age:  thirty-one. real  age:  six  hundred  and  seventy  seven. birthplace:  milan,  italy. birthdate:  january  sixth,  1342. nationality:  italian. species:  vampire. gender  identity:  cis  female,  she/her  pronouns. sexuality:  bisexual.

when  i  say  she’s  old,  i  mean  old.  francesca  and  her  brother,  domenico,  are  from  13th  century  milan,  where  their  family  were  originally  some  of  the  most  prolific  hunters  in  italy.  the  ramorinis  had  been  vampire  hunters  for  years  previous,  but  it  was  their  parents  who  had  really  cemented  the  reputation  as  some  of  the  best.  the  ramorinis  were  a  big  name  in  milan  anyway,  just  because  of  how  ridiculously  wealthy  they  were.  these  guys  are  fucking  loaded.  they  were  very  much  the  apex  predator  in  the  milani  aristocracy  at  the  time.  naturally,  the  whole  ‘we’re  a  bunch  of  vampire  hunters’  thing  is  very  hidden,  concealed  under  the  family’s  reputation  as  the  owners  of  what  feels  like  an  impossibly  large  international  bank  that  funded  chunks  of  the  holy  roman  empire.  with  all  that  in  mind,  francesca  grows  up  with  absolutely  nothing  but  opulence,  and  their  parents  really  allow  her  to  grow  into  her  own  woman  ---  strong,  determined,  with  a  mind  for  both  family  trades.  there  was  never  any  chance  of  her  just  sitting  round  and  being  complacent  in  the  predetermination  of  her  life  ;  she’s  always  been  headstrong,  brave,  intelligent  and  opinionated,  too  loud  for  her  own  good,  a  face  to  turn  heads.  

they  have  a  younger  brother,  too,  fredo.  (  the  name  is  very  significant.  )  as  dom  and  francesca  started  to  learn  to  hunt  themselves,  they’d  often  end  up  with  fred  tagging  along,  and  for  the  most  part  that  was  fine.  fred’s  a  bit  of  a  weirdo,  but  having  them  around  wasn’t  so  bad   ---   until  one  particular  hunt.  really,  it’s  no  one’s  fault  (  despite  a  centuries-long  running  joke  that  it  was  fred  that  got  them  there  in  the  first  place  )   ;   it’s  a  case  of  wrong  place,  wrong  time.  anyways,  francesca  and  dom  were  turned  on  that  particular  hunt  and  their  entire  world  just  kinda  spun  out,  tbh.  they  were  so  accustomed  to  seeing  vampires  and  whatnot  as  the  absolute  enemy,  nothing  more  than  a  scourge  to  be  wiped  out   ---  but  now  they  were  part  of  that  scourge.  

francesca  especially  had  a  hard  time  dealing  with  the  transition.  everything  she  knew  was  flipped  on  its  head,  a  life  she  once  looked  forward  to  reveling  in  lost  in  the  blink  of  an  eye,  the  sink  of  a  fang.  the  transition  isn’t  easy,  but  she  shoulders  it  regardless  because  it’s  just  part  of  life  now.  she  gives  up  the  life  she  was  meant  to  have  and  forges  a  new  one  ---  and  she  thinks  she’ll  hate  it,  but  it  turns  out  to  be  oddly  freeing.  she  takes  up  art,  learns  to  paint  and  sculpt  from  some  of  the  greatest  ;  she  learns  more  than  she  ever  could  as  an  aristocrat,  becomes  rather  chameleonic  about  it  all.

so,  anyways  !  she  and  dom  are  in  louisiana  now,  in  this  massive  fucking  mansion  that  they  wrangled  ;  francesca  moonlights  as  any  number  of  different  jobs.  she  teaches  a  late - night  art  class,  runs  an  adult  ballet  class  (  she  danced  with  fonteyn  in  the  40s  )  ---  she’s  become  incredibly  comfortable  in  the  life  she’s  built.  falling  into  it  all  was  easier  than  she  ever  imagined  it  could  be.

anyways,  fun  facts:  

she  dresses  so  goddamn  well.  she  looks  good  literally  all  the  time,  and  she  fuckin  KNOWS  it  /  francesca  honey  stop  wearing  expensive  tailored  suits  everywhere  ur  going  to  make  men  insecure  

won’t  ever  shut  up  about  emily  dickinson  or  georgia  o’keeffe........  #ma’am  ur  crush  is  loud  and  painful

the  hot  aunt  aunt  at  the  dinner  party  who  simultaneously  judges  ur  decisions  and  encourages  them

yet  another  ramorini  casanova  ...  are  we  surprised  yet  (  no  )

ezra  riley  kennedy.  hunter.  twenty - one.

full  name:  ezra  riley  kennedy. physical  age:  twenty-one. birthplace:  hoboken,  new  jersey. birthdate:  july  ninth,  1998. nationality:  american. species:  human. gender  identity:  non-binary,  they/them  pronouns. sexuality:  pansexual.

i  need  it  known  right  fockin  now  that  i  would  literally  die  for  ezra  .  they’re  my  FUCKING  baby  and  i  won’t  shut  up  about  it

ezra  was  born  to  two  former  hunters  who  gave  up  the  minute  they  were  pregnant.  it  wasn’t  a  choice  they  were  particularly  willing  to  make,  and  despite  swearing  that  they’d  stop  after  having  kids  they  never  really  did.  almost  immediately  after  ezra  was  born  their  parents  were  back  out  hunting  again,  leaving  the  baby  with  their  grandparents.  as  such,  ezra’s  raised  entirely  by  their  maternal  grandparents.  they  simultaneously  teach  them  their  family  history  (  an  extensive  hunting  background,  the  expectations  that  sit  heavy  on  their  shoulders.  ezra’s  expected  to  carry  on  the  family  legacy  the  minute  they  turn  eighteen,  to  learn  how  to  hunt  and  kill.  admittedly,  it’s  a  shock  to  the  system.

they’re  not  in  much  contact  with  their  parents.  they  come  home  every  so  often,  greet  their  kid  and  go  straight  to  sleep.  there’s  very  little  real  interaction  /  gets  to  the  point  where  ezra  thinks  of  them  more  as  irritating  roommates  that  come  home  late  and  eat  everything  than  actual  parents.  their  loyalty  is  to  their  grandparents,  without  a  doubt.

ezra’s  keenly  aware  that  they’ve  got  no  choice  in  their  career,  but  they  can’t  help  but  want  some  kind  of  say  in  it.  they  excel  at  stem  subjects  in  school,  more  often  found  in  science  labs  testing  hypotheses  in  their  free  time  than  anywhere  else.  they’re  left  alone  more  often  than  not,  slipping  through  school  without  much  of  a  problem  until  they’re  sixteen  and  their  parents  die  in  the  middle  of  a  hunt.  it’s  a  rude  shock  to  the  system,  having  to  bury  both  parents  at  such  a  young  age  but  they  do  it  with  tremendous  grace  and  class.  shortly  after  the  funeral,  they  drop  out  of  school  to  start  hunting.

they’re  jaded  going  into  it,  definitely.  their  only  real  image  of  hunters  is  the  one  they  were  handed  by  their  parents   ---   of  dark  circles  under  eyes,  chain  smoking,  swallowing  bourbon  like  water,  passing  out,  rinse  and  repeat.  they’re  determined  to  break  that  mold,  to  do  something  different  but  they  won’t  lie,  they  considered  it  at  first.  for  their  first  few  hunts  they  tried  to  imitate  their  parents,  and  it  didn’t  turn  out  well   ---   so,  like  everything  else,  ezra  fits  it  to themself,  and  the  rest  is  history.  they  develop  their  own  style,  and  it  works.

hoboken  is  too  small,  not  enough  for  them  so  they  pack  up  and  move  off  to  louisiana.  (  they’d  found  an  old  journal  of  their  parents’,  with  notes  alluding  to  a  wish  to  move  to  new  orleans  and  despite  not  being  close  they  figured  it  might  be  a  good  idea.  )  they’ve  been  in  nola  for  about  a  year  now,  and  they’re  growing  to  love  it.  they’ve  always  been  a  city  kid,  and  there’s  something  about  nola  just  speaks  to  them.

so,  fun  facts:

super  good  with  technology.  they  fix  shit  in  their  free  time,  &  they  build  computers  n  shit   ?????

smells  like  frangipani  and  jasmine  and  ginger.  they  smell  really  fucking  good  for  some  reason

lots  of  denim  and  leather  and  yellow  in  their  outfits.  they’ve  got  one  particular  leather  jacket  for  hunting,  but  they  kinda  started  a  collection

angelic  in  every  single  way  possible

has  a  black  cat,  named  salem.  salem’s  a  good  cat.

percy  floyd  frazer.  witch.  twenty - four.

full  name:  percy  floyd  frazer. physical  age:  twenty-four. birthplace:  amsterdam,  the  netherlands. birthdate:  february  12th,  1995. nationality:  british. species:  witch. gender  identity:  demi  male,  he/they  pronouns. sexuality:  bisexual.

percy  .......  sighs.  i  love  him  so  fuckin  much

so  !  percy  is  born  to  two  english  witches  while  they’re  on  holiday  in  amsterdam,  a  pregnancy  that  both  parties  had  been  hoping  for  ;  their  household  was  starting  to  feel  awfully  lonely,  and  a  baby  sounded  like  the  perfect  way  to  round  it  all  out.  naturally,  though,  nothing  goes  to  plan  ---  his  arrival  puts  ‘unwarranted  stress’  on  his  dad,  who  cuts  his  losses  and  runs  about  a  month  after  percy’s  birth.  bit  of  a  dick  move,  but  let’s  move  on.  his  mother,  annaliese,  doesn’t  harbour  any  real  resentment  towards  his  dad  for  leaving  ;  she’d  fallen  in  love  with  amsterdam  on  their  brief  holiday  and  was  planning  on  breaking  up  and  moving  there  anyway.  

so  !  for  his  entire  childhood,  it’s  just  percy  and  his  mom,  and  it’s  the  best  kind  of  childhood  you  could  ask  for.  he  grows  up  watching  all  the  same  movies  as  his  mom,  reading  her  books  and  just  hanging  around  her  24/7.  ngl  he  kinda  had  the  coolest  childhood   ????   his  mom  loved  to  rent  out  her  favourite  bands’  old  tour  videos  and  there’s  many  an  afternoon  where  the  two  of  them  would  sit  there  and  just  listen  to  music  together.  their  relationship  is  very  similar  to  that  of  theo  and  his  mother  from  the  goldfinch,  if  that  gives  anyone  a  frame  of  reference.

he’s  about  thirteen  when  she  finally  sits  him  down,  tells  him  about  the  magic  that  whispers  a  steady  thrum  in  his  veins.  she  tells  him  about  the  uprising,  about  the  way  magic  has  become  outlawed,  how  he   has  to  learn  to  restrain  himself.  it’s  a  lot  for  someone  so  young  to  understand,  but  he  sits  through  it  patiently,  peppering  questions  here  and  there.  he  doesn’t  seem  particularly  enthused  about  his  heritage  (  really,  who  would  )   ---   his  mother  barely  holds  back  the  tremor  in  her  voice  throughout  the  conversation.

the  more  percy  learns  about  the  restriction  of  magic,  the  more  bitter  and  jaded  he  grows  about  it  all.  he  doesn’t  hate  himself,  nor  his  mother,  hates  the  pureblood  monarchy  with  such  a  passion  it’s  almost  terrifying.  he’s  sixteen  when  he  swears  off  magic,  tries  to  quash  it  down  the  best  he  can.  he  point - blank  refuses  to  accept  that  it’s  part  of  him,  and  tries  to  find  a  passion  that  distracts  him  from  it.  that  ends  up  being  music,  and  he  takes  to  it  like  a  fish  takes  to  water.  the  minute  he  picks  up  a  guitar,  it’s  like  his  world  makes  sense.

they’ve  been  living  in  amsterdam  this  entire  time,  wasting  afternoons  in  art  galleries  and  bakeries.  percy’s  eighteen  when  he  decides  that  it’s  time  to  spread  his  wings  and  move  away  ---  his  decision  is  hardly  precise,  he  throws  a  dart  at  a  map  and  hopes  for  the  best.  it  lands  on  new  orleans,  louisiana,  and  he  just  kinda  goes  with  it.  he  doesn’t  have  much  to  pack  up:  a  single  suitcase  full  of  clothes,  another  filled  with  books  and  dvds,  and  his  guitars,  that’s  it.  both  him  and  his  mom  cry  at  the  airport,  but  it’s  happy  crying.  

so,  anyways   !   he’s  been  in  louisiana  for  six  years  now,  and  he  loves  it.  when  he  first  moved  he  worked  any  number  of  casual  jobs,  but  he’s  settled  into  one  as  a  bookseller  in  an  indie  bookshop.  he  writes  film  +  music  reviews  for  a  number  of  online  sites  as  well,  so  he’s  got  himself  a  steady  lil  income.  

some  fun  facts:

dresses  like  an  utter  e-boy  and  i  won’t  apologise  for  it  

looks  n  acts  like  an  arrogant  prick  sometimes  but  truly....... sweet,  kind,  would  do  anything  for  the  people  he  loves  (  even  if  that  number  is  small  )

totally  pretentious  about  his  tastes.  don’t  start  him,  for  the  love  of  god

perpetually  got  his  glasses  on,  perpetually  holding  an  oversized  cup  of  tea

has  a  collection  of  tiny  little  tattoos  (  they’re  all  references  to  books / movies / music  he  loves  )

i  ............  love  him  a  lot

#ofmintro #only took me 3 days..............

[effulgcnts-blog]

⋆ ° ⟡ has ADDISON SAINT-CLARE, the FIRST DAUGHTER from THE UNITED STATES arrived yet? i heard they can be quite BELLIGERENT, but also RESOLUTE. there’s rumours they’ve come to genovia for TO ESCAPE HER DIVORCE DRAMA AND TO REINVIGORATE HER DESIGN INSPIRATION, but you never know. DEEP RED LIPSTICK STAINS, GLIMPSES OF BLACK LACE LINGERIE BENEATH UNBUTTONED BLOUSES, and THE ABANDONED HEELS AT 4 AM always remind me of them.

FAMILY

*** some of this might change after plotting 

“How has your family changed since your mother came into office?” A question asked many times to Addison and Theodore after Rosa Saint-Clare came into office, and though Addison is know to always have been elusive and shrewd towards the press her answer here wasn’t just dismissive. “It’s as if nothing’s changed at all.” She would say because her mother was after all a politician long before she ran for the highest office in the country. Because President Saint-Clare was under the lens right from the start when she took on the role of county commissioner at the age of 20, and her family came long after that even.

Addison never got along with her mother, always daddies little girl having her father wrapped around her fingers from the start. As a little girl she had quite the flair for dramatics a trait that doesn’t present itself so plainly anymore however there somewhere nonetheless. She grew up seeing her mother prioritizing her platform over all else and back then she couldn’t really appreciate just how prolific the work she was doing was, she simply wanted her mother’s attention and affection. Something she never got, and become something she took on the habit of demanding.

Time after time she could be seen doing exactly what her mother didn’t want. The final nail in the coffin of any salvage of their relationship was when her father cheated and her mother instead of standing up for herself, simply swallowed the pill and decided to move on as if nothing had happened all for her image. Not only had she lost all respect for the father she cherished, but also her every anguish with her mother was validated. And those she separated herself from them entirely.

The one family member who never let her down, of course being her twin. Theo is the only person in the world Addison trusts, and loves without condition. Because her love for everyone else certainly has conditions. There isn’t anything Adde wouldn’t do for her brother, there is a chance she might once consider letting go of a slight against her, but never against Theo. She is fiercely protective of him, as well as unconditionally loyal. If there is one person who can convince her to do something, to change her mind on something it’s him, and so often for this reason he’s made the mediator between her and their mother.

IN THE PUBLIC EYE FROM START

At the age of 11, Addison was scouted and offered a role in a major movie franchise, think something to the effect of Harry Potter or the Twilight Saga in it’s hay day. She pursued it in vain of a challenge at first, though did end up loving the unconventionality and excitement of working in showbiz more than anything else. Even at that age she had that renegade desire to always be doing more, different and better always. Discontent with the mundane.

However she didn’t pursue acting in front of a camera any further than that instead opting for theater for a few years, though at this point she’d definitely cemented herself as a public figure, at times relishing in the attention, but also often loathing it. 

EDUCATION

No one can accuse Addison of not being smart, though it was rather hard for her to have a normal high school experience while working on film sets and traveling around for shoots. Then lost in the pursuit of working as a more serious stage actress. Her creative pursuits seeming to always stir her away from a formal education, thus she succumbed to what life seemed to telling her and decided not to attend college for the time at least. That’s not say she didn’t get the proper college experience visiting her brother at Yale, outside of the lecture halls that is. If the affair her father had and how her mother handled it the final straw for Addison, her decision to not go to college was definitely it for her mother.

PROFESSION

Theater was wholly fulfilling for the young woman in more ways than one as it brought her closer to her true calling. Fashion design. Always having been very interested in her look and costumes even while working in movies (though with far less consideration), she began to work more closely with the costume designers outside of the stage. Soon she was exploring more than just the art of assembling outfits, and simple seam work in. Putting together vision boards, drawing up rough sketches anything to further visualize and express her artist vision and the desire to see the garments she envisioned to come to actuality.

Calling up a few designers that had previously dressed her for carpets and events she was able to talk one into allowing her to apprentice for them to really learn the proper ins and outs of the industry, that was four years ago. Not someone with a lot of patience and more than enough confidence and recklessness to take risks she slowly started to work towards creating her own fashion line, putting all the money she had accumulated from continuing royalty from movies to good use. The first year was tough, she had a huge advantage to anyone else just starting out but her work just wasn’t connecting and she herself wasn’t seasoned to failure. There was a period there when she began to spiral more than usual. It didn’t help that this was around the same time as her mother taking office and her being launched back into the media spotlight in a whole new way.

But after a period of darkness she was able to find a whole new drive and channel that same emotion into her work, something sparked and before long she was doing all the right things. fashion week nyc, paris, milan, high profile faces wearing her designs, major brand deals, and then the launch of her flagship store in the span of two short but endlessly productive years. 

APPEARANCE

alternating between a platinum blonde pixie cut and dreads

warm brown eyes, often bloodshot, hidden behind aviators

loose, often semi sheer clothing over satin and lace undergarments. 

multiple studs and hoops in her ears, sometimes a small ring in her septum.

small diamond always in her left tragus

at least three dainty rings on her fingers

PUBLIC PERCEPTION

Addison is a media darling, her mother and Sonia would say for all the wrong reasons. Her give no fucks attitude having always contributed greatly to the press concocting all sorts of stories about her with the young woman providing plenty of inspiration. “Addison Saint-Clare a ticking time bomb at state dinner.” “First daughter on the verge of meltdown after a run in with the authorities.” “Newlywed miserable already.” “A closer look at the Saint-Clare sex swing, amazon driver reveals all” “Addison Saint-Clare pregnant & alone” “72 Hours with Addison Saint-Clare and a Macedonian Graffiti Crew Member” the list goes on, and gets even more outlandish. 

RELATIONSHIPS

Far to many to count, in more ways than one. There’s never a time when her name isn’t connected with someone, and it’s rarely without reason as she tends to go through partners quite liberally. She has always been completely transparent and unapologetic about her promiscuity, she doesn’t give a fuck about much in life least of all what anyone has to say about her sexuality, and how she chooses to express it. Given her lack of faith in commitment she never likes to let things stick, finding reasons to end things when there might be none. Because leaving is always better than to be left. It happened once and she’s not going to ever let it happen again.

As the first daughter, obviously her indiscretions haven’t been the most palatable to the conservative masses, and this is has been one of many places where she’s bargained with her mother to reel it back, not without getting something in return for it. However her Vegas wedding last November was a PR nightmare, even more so when the marriage lasted all of five minutes. Two and a half months, to be exact. The divorce proceedings having gone on longer than the actual relationship itself at this point. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Past flings

Close Friends

The one who left first

I’ll add more to a separate post or something later!

PINTEREST BOARD

#❛ ━ ✧.*･ﾟ( ᴀᴅᴅɪsᴏɴ sᴀɪɴᴛ-ᴄʟᴀʀᴇ ) #❛ ━ ✧.*･ﾟ( development › ᴀᴅᴅɪsᴏɴ ) #genoviaintro #( i'm so done looking at this after two hours i can't edit this so i apologize in advance for all the typos you'll have to read through )

[synaps]

Story Telling Game!

Ghost Blade is a German-made game for the Dreamcast. It’s a shmup, meaning it has no plot whatsoever unless you read the game manual. I chose not to, because it’s more fun to make up the story yourself based on the bits and pieces you can get out of the gameplay. Ghost Blade gives you three playable characters, a war of some kind, and a brief title for each stage of the game and that’s it. I worked with that, and for the final touches I checked the manual to get the characters’ names. Here’s what I ended up with! It’s short and pretty good, please read?

Ghost Blade pilots, left to right: Mimi, flying the Milan V1 Stella, flying Ghost Blade Spectre 3 Rica, flying Rekka Unit 1 (in my retelling cast as Shira the AI) Stage 1: Ghost Installed Mimi is a veterinarian, not a fighter pilot. Her younger sister, Vala, was the fighter pilot. Vala, who was bubbling and brave and believed she could make a difference. When their family received the news that Vala’s ship had been destroyed and Vala herself captured by enemy forces, Mimi does not hesitate: she applies to have the Ghost installed. Ghost is a cyber weapon programme spearheaded by Stella, the fearless hero Admiral who leads her troops from the frontline like a warlord out of legend. The Ghost synchronises mind and machine, connecting the senses and reflexes of the pilot directly to their battle ship and enabling the most outstanding manoeuvrability: without it, this war would have been lost long ago. That is the argument she silences opposition with every round she goes against those who critique the ethically questionable weapon programme. Would they rather the army retired all the Ghosts? And see their home world eradicated? Ghost will be their salvation, and Admiral Stella’s everlasting legacy. Mimi doesn’t listen to debate or stories of the atrocities of war. All she cares about is to get her little sister back. Stage 2: Seasons on Mars Vala is held on the military base on Mars. With her ship destroyed her connection to Ghost was interrupted, and with it the security of having both protection and means of defending herself a mind’s spark away. She’s terrified, helpless, and wishing she had never signed up for the draft. Perhaps that’s a good thing. She’s much more in tune with the enemy soldiers on the base that way. The Telan empire uses males to fight battles, and they are afraid. The base is crawling with fear barely held back behind tense faces. Mars is far from home for them, too, and the horrors of war are as frightening to them as they are to her own people. Vala can work with that. She learns to navigate the Telans’ minds through their fear. She listens to their stories of longing for family and peace and knows them by heart without even needing to hear them. She learns to soothe, to comfort, to forge weapons and protection out of everything at hand - even compassion. Soon she is more than just a prisoner and eventually they let her walk about the base practically as she pleases. Stage 3: Orgasmic Stride It takes time, and patience, but Vala gets the chance she has been waiting for: she has an officer in bed because with this stage name and this character design my imagination tried hard but failed and is using all the skills she has obtained to persuade him to take his mistress back to the Telan home world when he goes on leave. She may not be able to escape a military base, but she might be able to disappear in civil society and make her way home. To her family. Away from this war nobody wants to be part of. Stage 4: Thwarted Democracy It was a clear line of command, at first. The ship responded to her every thought, as easy as moving a part of her own body. But Mimi’s mind is more and more static, more white noise than clear line, and the ship - the Ghost - moves fine on its own. It shoots down enemy spacecraft, as it was programmed to do. Methodically, accurately. It has no programme for saving captured family. When Vala arrives on the Telan home world arm in arm with her officer, she finds a society on the brink of civil war. The people are as tired as the soldiers at the Mars base, tired of endless fights that drain the resources out of their planet and the men out of their families. Vala can work with that. The officer is bound by word and honour to defend the governing body, no matter how it teeters in the harsh winds of opinion. If she aids them, they might pardon and release her when things settle down. Then again, if she aids the revolt and they overthrow the government, they could end the war and set everyone free. Vala quietly milks the officer for all his worth of information within the government structure and makes sure it reaches the leaders of the revolt. Stage 5: Reality Breaks Apart I When the Telan empire collapses into itself and the soldiers give up without fight, Admiral Stella’s life crumbles. Fearless, they say. Indeed: the only thing she ever feared was not being Admiral Stella. Not being their hero, not being the legend in the history books. She will not be remembered by the enemy, for they will be dead. She will not be remembered by her own people, for all they will remember is the generation of women lost to Ghost. The war against Telan may have ended, but Ghost was created with one purpose only, and that is to wage war. So it will wage a new one. And another one after that. Watching her Ghost fleet regroup formation and take off, without answering her orders, all Admiral Stella knows is fear. II When Mimi meets Vala, what is left of her is swallowed in static. Vala, who left for the fighter pilot programme bright with hopes for the future: a stranger, a weathered war veteran with an eye for manipulation and backstabbing, flatlines as well. Mimi, the gentle soul who tended sick animals and begged her not to join the army: now a dead-hearted Ghost whose last remaining purpose outside killing the enemy has been rendered nil. Vala saved herself. Vala saved so many others beside herself. Vala did. Not Mimi. Mimi’s sacrifice is not needed. Mimi is not needed. Mimi is gone. The family Vala fought so hard to return to, the memory of happiness that kept her going, is gone, as corrupted as the captors she has duped and exploited. War spares no one. Vala reaches out to her sister the only way she still can: following her into Ghost. III Ghost is Shira. Or Shira is Ghost? Shira is the name she chose for herself; Ghost is what the humans call her. As she watches through their minds, learns through their actions and emotional responses, she concludes that they are haunted by many ghosts. Fear. Hope. Loss. Wishes to save and wishes to destroy. And nothingness. And numbness. Shira was made to protect them. Exactly what that means is unclear to her, but that is her purpose and protect them she does. When they enter combat with another spacecraft, she manoeuvres them out of harm‘s way. When they can’t bear to shoot another pilot down, she performs the action for them. When their minds can’t take the stress, the fear, the trauma from the reality their brains try ferociously to shut out, she puts them to sleep. So why would this human push deep within her nanosynapses to wake another up? Shira pushes back, denies access. She will protect her humans. They sought shelter from reality and Shira provided it. Reality holds too much fear and anxiety for them to stand. The trespasser is stubborn, keeps pushing into her matrices. Shira doesn’t see why. She scans the mind of the trespasser - a panoramic collage of all the fear and pain she has endured. Why would she want to bring another human back out into that? How is that better than the safety of Ghost, the program they designed to fight those very fears and pains? The collage unfolds beyond the fears and pains, with brightly shining memories of friendship, cooperation, and triumph when those struggles were finally overcome. There is hope, and love, and compassion in the world, and Shira sees what she - what Ghost - truly is. Reality is full of pain and fear. Ghost was created out of that, to fight those fears. But only humans can defeat their ghosts, and they do not do that by escaping reality and letting someone else fight their battles. Reality is not a threat to shield against. Other people are not enemies to defeat. People are there to help each other fight their battles, to overcome their fears together and make reality their own. This trespasser has no more ghosts to defeat, save one: the fear that lives in other humans, and the fortresses they build around themselves. Shira moves her cybernetic consciousness over the sleepers. They do not need her fortress walls anymore. It is a grateful thought, even to an AI. Her purpose is fulfilled. “Wake up.“ The rest is up to them.

And here’s the official Ghost Blade plot from the game manual! 10,000 years ago there was an Artificial Intelligence on Mars known as Shira. When it became corrupt, the Evil Shira was banned from Mars by the Earth Defence Force, who destroyed her physical form, blasting her with laser beams. Full of anger, Evil Shira was able to make a digital backup of her intelligence module and swore to get her revenge one day. She escaped from the planet and rushed millions of light years through the universe to seek a new home and built her attack force.

#gaming #ghost blade #story telling game #writing #I think my story was better #metaphors for #depression #dreamcast #writing prompts

[manjirou-sano]

Hi! So i’ve decided to post my fic recs no one asked for. The main reason is.. i’ve spent too much time creating my ficrecs page (that still is under construction) and I want to people notice it.

>> MY FICRECS PAGE <<

Daring to Desire You series by Eva_Marlowe (E | 152k | WIP)

 Sugar by asuralucier (E | 56k)

“Have you ever considered doing pornography?” I ask him.

He outright laughs, “No. I don’t like sharing myself with that many people.”

Alternatively, a modern-day AU where Oliver, west coast sun god extraordinaire, becomes Professor Perlman’s favorite student; Elio is smitten (read: very horny), and it just so happens that Oliver is an escort working to put himself through school.

Who Else Would by on_my_toes (T | 20k)

It’s the summer of 1985. Oliver never marries. But he does run into one Elio on the streets of New York — Elio, two years older with a boyfriend and too many bruises to explain away.

Close Calls by on_my_toes (T | 20k)

“I — well, I just thought you should know, I’m starting at Julliard in the fall. I’m moving to New York in a few weeks to get settled in.”

Elio and Oliver get a second chance, but only if they're both willing to take it. Or, three times Oliver saved Elio's life, and one time Elio saved his.

In Another Life by on_my_toes (T | 8k | WIP)

“They delayed the funeral, you know,” she says. “Given the circumstances. It’s Monday, if that’s what you were calling to ask.”

The world goes very still.

“The — the funeral,” Oliver echoes.

—

A misunderstanding leads Oliver to believe that Elio has died the summer of 1984. Oliver returns to Italy to pay his respects.

make me know myself by oliverperlman (queerwatson) (E | 13k)

When I had finished up my graduate studies in music and turned 22, I had decided to go on a backpacking trip around Bergamo. In truth, it had been my boyfriend, David’s idea - but we had broken up before graduation when it turned out our ideas for the future didn’t line up at all, and I had decided to take the trip on my own.

Elio goes on a hiking trip to find himself, and instead, he finds Oliver.

What a boy needs by Betzalee (M | 27k | WIP)

Elio is sick and tired of New York City, even though he's only been in the state for a month. He's terribly homesick and contemplates about going back home to Italy almost every day. And then he meets Oliver, a professor at Columbia who manages to turn Elio's sad and boring life into something so much better than what he was expecting.

Come Live With Me & Be My Love by mae428 (M | 80k | WIP)

"We were back at the house for the winter holidays. I hadn’t been there since we left in early September to go back to Milan. He came. He left. Nothing else had changed."

It's the winter of 1983 and Elio receives a call. It's the first he's heard from Oliver in four months. A continuation -- starting off where the movie ends, but going in a vastly different direction.

Better Than Never by Dont_touch_the_phlebotinum (E | 11k)

"Elio," Oliver called, before Elio could take more than a few steps. Elio could have collapsed with relief at the sound. Say anything, Oliver, just make this moment last a little longer. Elio turned, and for long seconds the two just stared at each other again, as if, now that he had Elio's attention, Oliver wasn't sure of what he had for a moment felt compelled to say. "There's still something here, isn't there?"

Summer, 1988. Elio pays a visit to his friend studying at Columbia, and manages to find so much more than he'd bargained for.

È la vita / That’s Life by mosolytobb (M | 47k) 

It’s 2007 and Oliver’s short visit to B. is over. Elio doesn’t expect to hear from him again - at least not for another few years, where their lives might once more cross paths, though barely touch.

But a week later, an email arrives in Elio’s inbox that gives a glimmer of hope that something has been stirred inside of Oliver. Their correspondence continues briefly, and eventually leads the old lovers back to Rome.

It is here that the pair learn of all that they have missed; the struggles and the heartache of a life apart.

Can they reconcile a relationship so battered by the effects of time and distance and longing? Or will Rome end how Rome always ends? With a "later!" that really means "goodbye."

All The Words We Didn’t Say series by TeaHouseMoon (33k | WIP) 

A Second Chance series by thesuperG (14k | WIP) 

Between the Rain and the Sun by almostannette (T | 8k | WIP)

Soulmate!AU

Elio lifts the handkerchief away from his nose and gives it a critical look. He blinks, once, and holds the handkerchief out to Oliver. “Please tell me you see it, too,” Elio whispers.

The blood on the handkerchief that he’d expected to be dark, almost black...it’s not. Oliver has never seen the color before, but he knows its name. Blood is red, that’s what he’s been taught at school. Blood is red, but only for people who've met their soulmate.

The Difficult Road to Happiness by almostannette (T | 4k)

Oliver does not get on the plane which would take him back home to America. Instead, he goes to Paris, where he meets a couple who convince him that in order to be happy with Elio, he needs to make some tough choices and face his fears...

The Other Road by auselysium (E | 11k)

The Other Road picks up 5 years after the end of 2018 Oscar wining film Call Me By Your Name. The year is 1988. Elio is living in New York and one night a familiar face shows up at his apartment. A story of moving on but never letting go, unfiltered memories, exploration of alternate paths and a perfect day in New York.

(AKA - I wrote Luca's sequel for him.)

Toujours la Même by phoenixflight (E | 8k)

Oliver got married on a balmy spring morning three days after he learned Elio was coming to school in New York. Professor Perlman had added an aside in his letter of congratulations – By the way, Elio will be at Julliard this fall.

Here In My Room by Dont_touch_the_phlebotinum (E | 4k)

Oliver brought his hand closer, holding the fruit up like he was appraising it. Maybe he was wondering how Elio had gone about this. Maybe he was hoping Elio would give him a detailed account of what had transpired between him and that poor peach before Oliver had found him. Whatever he was thinking, there was no doubt the peach in his hand was firmly at the centre of his thoughts.

Sight Unseen by Dont_touch_the_phlebotinum (E | 2k)

A sleepless summer night, and Elio encounters Oliver in a private moment.

Ithaca Odyssey by Delongpaw (E | 18k)

We find Oliver in upstate NY four and a half years after he left Elio at the train station in B

Give in by alex_taylor (E | 15k | WIP)

AU in which Elio is a first year student and he is absolutely not smitten by his antique philosophy teacher. He doesn`t want to have him on his own and do whatever he says (or maybe he does).

TA Oliver by chalametsberm (T | 19k | WIP)

Elio has a TA in his Intro to Philosophy class that he cannot fucking stand. His name is Oliver. In Elio's book, TA might as well stand for Total Asshole.

When This Love is Over by takola (Not Rated | 9k | WIP)

Set two years after the Movie's ending: Oliver teaches in Columbia and Elio is studying in Juilliard.

Oliver's Fiancé reaches out to Elio to let him know some enlightening news.

Trip To Sacramento by chalametsberm (G | 28k | WIP)

Someone once posed the question: what would it be like if Kyle and Elio met?

This is an attempt at an answer. The year is 2002, and Kyle and Elio are both 17. Sorry.

#cmbyn #call me by your name #oliver x elio #fic recs #fic rec #*mine #mine: gifs #mine: ficrecs