#Autistic Logan | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vinbee631 · 9 months

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You Matter to Me

teehee I did a thing!!

day 7 of logince week finally!! I was inspired by a lil chat in the tss big bang discord server to finally write the last part of this, and ngl I'm very glad i did!

anyway, enjoy! (the prompt for this was 'importance' btw)

“I Love You!”

Roman stared at the big bubble letters in front of him and cringed.

Logan was coming home from school for winter break tomorrow, and after not seeing his boyfriend for- well, a long time, Roman wanted to do something special to show his appreciation.

They had both been extremely busy, Roman with his new acting job and Logan with graduate school, that they barely had the time to call each other once a week.

But now that they had the perfect opportunity for a wonderful date, or simply time spent as close to each other as possible, Roman stared at the project in front of him and cringed.

To be fair, his options were quite limited. Earlier that week, when he and Logan had been discussing plans over the phone, his boyfriend had expressed more interest in doing something together, at home. There was nothing wrong with their normal dates, out in public, going on hikes, visiting museums, what have you. But, the semester had taken a lot out of him, and it would be too overwhelming to have an outing like that the day after he finished exams.

So, to avoid any shutdowns, and to make the day as fun as it possibly could for both of them, Roman needed to come up with a different idea, something more private than the original plans he’d scoped out in his head weeks before asking his boyfriend about them.

No big deal, right?

He groaned dramatically, falling back to the floor so he wouldn’t have to look at the godforsaken banner anymore. He was already getting sick of his trash brain trying to convince him his idea wasn’t good enough, and he had only been working for about an hour or so.

It was intensely frustrating, to say the very least.

But off course, it was the perfect time for someone to knock on his door.

“It’s unlocked,” he called out, still lying supine as Gram made her way into his room and glanced over his abandoned project, laid out haphazardly across his bed.

“Looking good,” she noted with a sympathetic smile, “don’t you agree?”

Roman grunted, leaning up on his elbows. “Sure, absolutely, that’s why I’m throwing a perfectly mature and becoming tantrum on the floor.”

“It doesn’t quite look like a tantrum, I’ve seen your tantrums. No, this is… more like giving up, which is very unlike you,” she continued as she moved slowly to sit cross-legged near Roman’s feet.

“...I suppose you have a point. Either way, I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. I don’t have a plan anymore, the thing I started was garbage, so what’s even the point anyway?

“Well, first of all,” Gram started, “You love him. And in case it has escaped your notice, he loves you back. Regardless of what you decide to do with your time, he’s going to have fun, and he’s not going to stop loving you if it isn’t absolutely perfect.”

Roman rolled his eyes. Just because she was right didn’t mean she had to rub it in, or anything.

“Second, Logan has never actively disliked any dates you have put together. Remember back in July when you took him out for a picnic and it poured as soon as you sat down? The only complaints I heard that afternoon were from you. Logan was much more interested in the fact you had a white shirt on.”

Roman choked, blustering around the burning in his cheeks. “I- c’mon, Gram!”

“Third,” she continued despite the halfhearted protest, “you are about to see your partner in person for the first time in- what is it, four months? So, no matter what you do, it’s going to be special for both of you. No matter what I say, you’re going to stress about this whole thing, but I’m telling you, you don’t have to. That boy is just as cheesy as you are.”

“I swear, you can read minds,” Roman grumbled, but as she spoke he had crawled over to lay his head in her lap, so the effect was pretty much completely lost.

Gram chucked, ruffling his hair. “Pretty much, yes. Now, are you going to get off the floor and get back to work? You’ve only got about… maybe eighteen hours before Logan is supposed to arrive? Better make the most of them!”

Roman pouted as the teasing continued, but after a little bit more time spent laying in her lap, relaxing as she wove her fingers through his kinky hair, he sat up, finding the motivation to keep working, for Logan.

“Alright, alright, before you get completely focused, help an old woman up? It has been a long time since my sitting on the floor days.”

Roman chuckled but knelt down obligingly, supporting her back and holding her opposite hand as they stood. “Nah, you’re not old. Ancient though, that’s a much better descriptor.”

Gram whacked him on the arm, but she was smiling just as cheekily as he was. “I swear, the only thing I ever managed to get you to remember was my snarkiness. Never the important lessons, always the teasing.”

Roman chuckled fondly as she grumbled jokingly to herself, shutting the door quietly behind her. He took a beat to appreciate just how much he loved his family, and he was back to work, pacing and muttering to himself about the logistics of streamer placement.

…

The next morning, Roman woke two hours before his alarm was set to go off. That wasn’t particularly odd, as that sometimes happened when he was overly excited, but today, that wasn’t the case.

Someone was calling him. He groped blindly at his bedside table and fumbled his cell phone up to his ear.

“I swear to god, it’s too early to read. This better not be one of my brothers,” he yawned, rubbing at his eyes as he complained.

“Uh… n-not quite,” the person on the other end stammered, and Roman was surprised to find he didn’t immediately recognize their voice.

“I- sorry, do I know who this is? I could just be too tired to process any words, that is a very strong possibility.”

The person on the other end chuckled slightly. “I think we’ve met? I’m- this is Virgil, Logan’s roommate. I dunno, I just clicked the first contact that popped up, I promise I’m not snooping through his phone or anything stalker-y like that. I just didn’t know what-”

“Hey,” Roman interrupted softly, finally moving to sit, “it’s fine. Logan trusts you, so I have no reason not to. Er, anyway, what’s up? Is he in shutdown or something?”

“Kind of?” Virgil hesitated. “I… I mean, I know what it’s like when he shuts down. I’ve kinda… helped him with it before, but this isn’t… I don’t know what’s wrong.

“The… midterm exams and stuff, kinda took a lot out of- everyone? So, he came back last night and was totally out of it, and he immediately went to bed, which like- that’s college for ya, and I expected it, and like, same. But then… I tried checking in with him this morning and he’s… it doesn’t look like he’s moved all night but he’s not asleep and just kinda- staring at the wall, and I can’t… he won’t snap out of it? I guess? It’s… not good, whatever he had going on.”

Roman had stood up and begun to pace as Virgil spoke, but by the time he finished explaining, he stood motionless in the middle of the room. He let out a small sigh.

“Okay. That’s… yeah, that’s pretty bad. Uh… okay. I guess I should clarify, I’m his boyfriend, and I live less than an hour away. I can… it shouldn’t be a problem to pick him up but… I don’t wanna leave him like- that for so long. I guess… I can try talking to him over the phone? It’s something, I guess.”

“Uh, yeah… okay. You’re on speaker now,” Virgil announced, shuffling around on the other end. Roman didn’t start talking until the movement stopped.

“Hey, Logan? Can you hear me, sweetheart? I heard you’re having a hard time right now, and I wanna help. Can you tell me what’s wrong, or tap it out? Virgil’s here for you too, baby, we just wanna help you feel safe.”

There was silence on the other end for a minute or two before someone huffed, and Roman heard more shuffling.

“I… I don’t even think he blinked.”

Roman let out a heaving sigh. “Okay, okay, that’s… shit, okay. We’ll… I’ll head out in just a minute. I gotta, get some stuff together- is his stuff packed? Can you tell?”

Virgil huffed what could vaguely be considered a laugh, and Roman frowned. “I- sorry, yes. He’s packed. He said… he told me, something in his- that formal way he talks, but- he had to be ready, he couldn’t let his- exhaustion and shit get in the way of ‘going home.’ So he packed, like, way early. Before midterms even started, I think.”

Roman allowed himself a brief, sappy smile before rushing downstairs to put his shoes on. “Tha’s- yeah, that’s good. Okay… I’m gonna leave in just a few minutes. When do you have to head home? Can you… will you be there, until I get there?”

“Oh, yeah, definitely. A: I’m not leaving him alone like this, and B: I drive myself home. I can leave whenever, but we have to be out of here by… noon, or something. I dunno, I still need to pack the stuff I need to take back with me, and that’ll take me way more than an hour. Just- you can text Logan’s phone when you get here, and I’ll let you in.”

“I- good, thanks. And… I appreciate you, looking out for him. Someone has to do it when I’m not there. I’m glad… y’know, that he’s got you. You seem… nice.”

“Glowing praise,” Virgil snarked, seeming to regret it instantly as the line went dead silent right after. “Er, I mean, yeah, that’s kinda the bare minimum. And it’s… the- looking out for, each other, it’s mutual, definitely. But… thanks.”

“Of course,” Roman replied easily. “See you in an hour.”

“See ya.” The line clicked silent, and Roman just barely crumpled. Before he was able to rush out the door, he needed to make another call.

“Hey, Remus? I have a favor to cash in. Like… right now?”

…

The twins rode together in dead silence. Remus had been more than willing to jump straight out of bed and drive with his brother out to Logan’s apartment. With him there, they wouldn’t have to abandon Logan’s car, seeing as the aforementioned sleep-deprived student should not be doing so himself.

Roman still didn’t know exactly what was going on, but he figured if Logan had been that out of it this morning, he probably didn’t sleep. And whatever it was that was keeping him up, it was something serious.

He was, perhaps, being a bit irresponsible with his driving, but he saved them about ten minutes with his speeding. And he didn’t get caught in the act, so there wasn’t any point in being a narc, now was there?

But of course, he parked in the wrong lot and wasted ten minutes getting back to the right one because despite going there for four years, the campus was still as complicated and frustrating to navigate as it had been when he first started.

When he’d first met Logan…

He snapped himself out of that tangent, leading his brother along to where Virgil was waiting for them, fidgeting with his hoodie sleeve in one hand and waving them over with the other.

“Uh, hey. Didn’t realize there were two of you,” he joked awkwardly. “...Anyway, uh- follow me, I guess.”

Virgil led them up a set of stairs and down the hall to their room. Roman had visited once before, but he couldn’t have picked out the floor Logan was living on, much less the room, and especially in a time crunch- yeah, he was really glad Virgil was around.

Sure enough, when he unlocked the door and brought the twins inside, there was Logan, lying curled up in a tight ball on his side and staring at nothing.

It was… concerning, to say the least.

Remus talked with Virgil for a bit, the latter filling him in on what he and Roman had discussed over the phone, and the two agreed to give them some space by starting the process of loading up Virgil’s and Logan’s car with their suitcases.

That left Roman, sitting slowly on the floor by Logan’s bed and resting his chin on the mattress. Logan continued to stare past him.

“Hey, honey,” he called gently, reaching up to weave a hand through Logan’s hair. “Where’d you go? Hm? Hiding from me, on our anniversary? Kinda rude, but I suppose I’ll live. How ‘bout you come back? We can talk all you want about it, or none at all if that makes you feel better.”

Logan didn’t quite stir, but it looked less like his eyes were glazed over and more like he was staring at Roman’s forehead. That was something, at least.

“Um, let’s see. I’m sure we have some of your cubes around if you need to focus on something else for a bit. Whatever’s got you trapped in there-” Roman ever-so-gently rapped a knuckle on Logan’s temple, making his eyes blink closed- “doesn’t look like much fun. Or, I could squish ya.”

Logan’s eyes flashed open at that, and he flicked his gaze down to Roman’s left shoulder.

‘Yes.’

“Okay, yes to the squish, it is!” He cheered softly, shifting off the floor with a small grunt and maneuvering himself to lay right next to Logan.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he joked under his breath. “Okay, baby. Gonna need to- shift us around a little bit. Do you think you can unwind for me? I can’t properly squish a Logan ball.”

Logan frowned, but with a little bit of help from his boyfriend, he was able to relax enough to lay flat on his back, pressed comfortably into the mattress under him by Roman’s full body weight.

“That better?” Roman was relieved to see him nod slowly, closing his eyes and leaning back into his pillow.

He wasn’t sure how long they lay like that. Every so often, Remus and Virgil would pop back in for the rest of their bags or to check on them, but after a while, they took a break to get lunch together.

“So,” Roman started, wincing as his voice cracked slightly, the sudden break in silence apparently startling his vocal cords, “do you want to talk about it? Or, sign about it, I suppose. Are you verbal right now?”

Logan huffed, shifting to free his hands. 'Semi-verbal, but yes. I should, quote-unquote ‘sign’ about it, if I can find the right words.'

Roman nodded, allowing him to take whatever time he needed to figure out his thoughts. He hummed under his breath, watching as Logan relaxed slightly, tapping along the side of his arm to the beat.

“Yesterday, I was on my way… here after my final midterm, and I ran into- someone. Another graduate student I have met in passing, but… mm.”

‘He made an unfortunately timed joke,’ he signed, ‘about my supposed interest in winter courses, something I have, admittedly done in the past, but..’ His movements paused, and he huffed again.

‘The way he phrased it, I just… it made me think of Dad.’

Roman blinked in surprise. Logan never talked about his dad, not even to Gram. Roman had asked, way back when they first met, what his family was like, and Logan had talked about his mother and grandad. Even after years of being friends, and then boyfriends, any questions about his biological dad were dismissed, fast enough that Roman didn’t even question the dismissal.

So, this was probably pretty bad.

“I… do not remember much, from when he was still alive,” Logan continued. “But, most of the… active cruelty, was on his part.”

“My…” he hummed, shifting his hands from where they previously gripped Roman’s shirt. ‘My mother and her father continued the behavior, the encouragement of toxic work ethic and rejection of the accommodations I needed to not shut down. But he started it. I just didn’t realize how harmful it was at the time. Not until years after he died.’

“Oh, darling,” Roman cooed, leaning closer to Logan to press a feather-light kiss to his forehead. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I’m sure you know by now how awful and unnecessary that behavior is, but being reminded of it right before your first chance to take a break? I can’t imagine… I’m so sorry, beloved.”

Logan didn’t have much else to say, after that. He squished his forehead into Roman’s shoulder and they cuddled for a while longer. He didn’t cry, surprisingly enough. Roman wasn’t quite sure why he expected him to, but his partner didn’t seem any less appreciative of the affection regardless of the lack of emotional release.

Instead, a few minutes later, he sighed happily into Roman’s ear, finding enough of his voice to whisper. “I love you.”

Roman thought back to the banner, how his stress from yesterday about the perfect date seemed so inconsequential when he had Logan in his arms. He thought about how all he wanted to do now was hold his partner for the rest of the day and support him through all the troubles he never should have dealt with in the first place.

“I love you, too.”

#fanfiction #sanders sides fanfic #logan sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #remus sanders #logan angst #autistic logan #hurt/comfort #tw dissociation #tw abelism #mentioned

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