#Autistic and living the dream (facebook)

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

MAGIC MEAT SKELETON

Autistic and living the dream

#meme #funny meme #funny post #magic meat skeleton #feel free to share/reblog #Autistic and living the dream (facebook)

[tinyhousepanther]

Todays I-am-very-high-and-have-recently-rejoined-tumblr-because-I’ve-realized-I-need-more-social-interaction-but-tumblr-is-all-I’ve-got-the-energy-for thought is

… drum roll….

the most personal, soul exposing thing I think I could ever do, would be to let some one go through my ao3 bookmarks, even the private ones…. Like the amount of #asexual ♠️ 🐉🌌who kinda likes monsterfucking vibes but is also a depressed millennial who was into Harry Potter and anime and tumblr of yore. Yeesh, how cringe and vulnerable that would be.

Because I like to write when very high and used to write poetry as a moody teen. A good old internet rant into the void. This will get long and old school text formatting like the book House of Leaves is a thing I really love so weird punctuation and spacing ahead.

Also the recursive footnotes in the bartimaeus series

Also, also recently returned to tumblr… lured like a siren into this hell scape of super niche fandoms…. I blame @strange-aeons for making me nostalgic for this place.

On that note. I am actually editing this but mostly because my brain wanted to add things as I read this over for typos because cringe.

Nostalgia leads to reminiscing. I think it was @blackkatmagic who said in a note, that like some niche pairing of fandom like a ship no one asked for but one person dreamed of and a handful of other people liked, is like being in a little boat with them.

(And I had to go find that post so here it is)

And I really like that idea and I like writing stream of consciousness rants when high and also graphs, like data visualization, because I’m an engineer. So a nerd for Venn diagrams that are cool. Like can I make a web diagram bubble graph combo with bubble size for intensity of interest and lines to show how one community spawned an interest in another community? Maybe throw in a color scale for vibes? Like who are the landmarks I use to remember my internet past. Is this what mark zuckerburg is aiming to make for all of us? Can someone build this digital map of my psyche?

Let’s start listing citations to make this glorious journal paper of a post. Giving @strange-aeons or @danielhowell vibes but also @somemorenews and also @scishow and @fishingboatprocceeds energy.

This is like just feeling the need to give a good old trying to describe a very specific mood rant that live journal used to be for.….

Those vibes somehow. Also of course I listen to a lot of podcasts. Like @tanispodcast or @welcometonightvaletranscripts

Who is in this very niche intersection? How narrow of an audience am I?

Or ,

am I yearning for early days Facebook where you just liked a bunch of shitty pages that were just topics. Like quizilla was a window of my internet childhood/preteen (that’s a lie Neopets was first…….)

Which reminds me to also include @dilfosaur and @drawfee. Why do I love the sonic butthole saga so? Is Todd from Mario made manifest into the universe like a tulpa? Am I getting to last podcast on the left now? Do we need to get a net for me??? 🗑️ trap me under a wastebasket like a cat?

God I feel like I’m trying to write a phd thesis on my personality as described via citations of tumblr blogs and other early internet social media. Can I put footnotes in a tumblr post? No. Does my probably autistic ass want them so I can make a hyper detailed thing fully describes a hyper focus moment? Yes. Can I make a whole power point of just internet citations? Yes. Do I have the energy? No.

Should

Be narrating this? I wish, would be interesting if someone I’m citing replies or interacts with this.

Not to brag, but hey I actually did write a phd thesis and some one said it was good enough to give me a fancy piece of paper. I am doctor. Why am I still sad then? Oh, that’s mental illness right. Another citation for a mood elyse meyers

Is this stream of consciousness prose that I am writing while very high and curled in a blanket on my couch while having been overcome by emotion from a fanfic I was reading about a super random cross over of two media from my childhood? Then yes this is me. I am a garbage gremlin of a person who is shockingly successful in life despite my very fun depression and health issues who has way too many parasocial relationships in proportion to real world actual humans I see and interact with on a daily basis.

Is it not the human experience to try and communicate who we are to the world? The innate desire to be seen and known?

Or is that way to high brow for me just wanting to list a bunch of things I like so when I’m having a bad day I can come to this post and just be like…. Oh yeah I did like that one thing.

Like that one video by Drew/Danny/Kurtis that somehow always makes me laugh. Like that friend I had who I could also make laugh by playing the look at this graph vine? 📊. Yes like that. So this my reminder that hey stuff is good and joyful and cringe sometimes, so on the bad days go look at this stuff. I feel @danielhowell has thoughts on this.

That’s it. I should go to sleep. It’s midnight and I have work tomorrow and my cat is glaring at me because we are not snuggling yet.

P.S.

Tumblr really is just MySpace but somehow worse? Yet it’s what we have.

And really the porn had never left. What were they thinking they could do/are doing about it? Like hello tumblrlive makes this app so nsfw to scroll at work when I’ve got time to kill. But also sometimes I want to look at art someone has posted and I’ve got a notification.

#cat #rant #ramble #stream of consciousness #feeling parasocial #elder millennial #or eldritch? #it is spooky season #I saw a tree with red leaves today #spoopy #has arrived #space ace #dead on main

[straycatboogie]

2023/07/10 English

BGM: The Rolling Stones - Start Me Up

Today might be a "fatal day" in my life... Indeed, I'm using too big expression to describe this. But I don't want to hide this feeling inside myself. The day like today can happen in my/our life... It was raining a little so I went to the food court in AEON near my workplace by foot. There, I spent my time with doing nothing as usual. I couldn't do anything as the homework of my English conversation class, the paper I will show at the meeting about my contract of my job, the paper for the presentation I will do on the next Thursday... Suddenly I remembered the book "Two Billion Light Years of Solitude" by Shuntaro Tanikawa, and thought of writing my poem as the homework to show the teachers. At least, it will delete one of my task and also make my passion/activity calm again. I started writing my poem. I wanted to use rhymes seriously, and obey the rule of sonnet (the poems which have 14 lines). Caring the rhythm of that poem... I did write it like Jackson Pollock's action painting. Spreading my words honestly on a sheet of paper.

Ah, at last! The Muse came to me with her graceful smiling. The day came finally... "One day, a person starts writing all of a sudden" or "One day, he/she starts thinking writing to be a writer". For example, Haruki Murakami started writing his novel because he got an inspiration suddenly from somewhere when he had enjoyed watching a baseball game in his 29. That was the beginning of walking/traveling on the road to become a writer until now... Of course, this is a "too cool" story/episode. At least, it must be impossible to imagine that he had not done anything until the day he accepted the inspiration. He must do reading. Yes, he must enjoy Raymond Chandler, Scott Fitzgerald, Richard Brautigan, and Kurt Vonnegut... he must try to learn from them to make their spirits/groove as his. "Now" I can have this idea, but when I read that legend of Haruki Murakami, I was just an idiot so thought "Someday the inspiration can come to me like him, and that will make me write my own novel". Yes, I waited for the inspiration for a long time. I waited for the day I would/could start writing my own "Hear The Wind Sing". Someday... and I drank a lot. And days passed.

Today I shared the poem "A Bridge From A Fridge" to my friends. Soon, Victoria from Russia commented to me. "Share it with your signature!". It was really grateful for me so I wrote my signature "throbbing disco cat", and posted it on Facebook, Discord, MeWe. Indeed, it didn't become any "buzzed" one. But so what? I found that using/enjoying rhymes can be really difficult/profound. It also gives me a certain pleasure. It is interesting so I want to keep on writing my sonnets, free verse poems, and proses more. Then I want to be maniac because, as you know, I'm really autistic. I want to read Shuntaro Tanikawa more, and also learn from my favorite poets/novelists who influenced me again. Haruki Murakami, Genichiro Takahashi, Hiroshi Osada, and Ryuichi Tamura. I also want to learn a lot from female poets/novelists. My dreams/hopes increase on and on... Today was really the "genesis" day for me.

And also I remembered what had brought me to now/here. I had even learned English literature, but at that time I couldn't have imagined that I would write MY OWN sonnet like this. After that period, through the heavy drinker era, I started writing short articles by the event I experienced. A friend praised my English, and it brought/made me to decide to write in English... and I started this English journal too. And now, I start writing my sonnet. "Heaven helps those who help themselves", we say so. Can I say that I have helped me? Every day I have been trying living this life with writing a journal, reading books, meeting people, working... these events, the footsteps of my past life, would bring today's explosion of writing a sonnet. Of course, it might be just a lucky strike. But I don't want to deny the pleasure I have got by writing my first poem. Even though I stop my poem creation, today's memory/experience would last in myself. It was a really memorable/grate day for me (and I could meet my old friend again on Facebook. I want to write this not to forget completely). What would be the next poem's theme? God only knows...

"A Bridge From A Fridge"

It seems my mind is like a fridge At last, I've found a dream of becoming a bridge A bridge, where people can encounter each other They might call them as a sister or a brother

Yes, that must be too enormous to carry I can see, and TBH I feel really scary But why? It must bring me the life like a party All I need is just a certain will to start it

Today, lunchtime, I wanna have a lunchbox of sushi Will I be able to say as a rockstar, "Can't you see"? Or I'm just trying sewing seeds into the sea?

This is the first sonnet poem I've done in my life. I wrote this one by myself. I'm now actually alive! Yes, this one is also coming from my mind's archive

#diary #english #journal #online diary #tumblr diary #personal diary #poetry

[tr0ubl3d-tr4n53nd3r]

I spend my life working up to something grand. I hope and dream of the future I'm going to have. Beautiful suburban, pretty wife, two adorable kids... But really I know it's going to amount to nothing. I'm probably going to die young, hated by people who used to call me friends. My dream job of being a teacher is almost impossible for me because I'm autistic. And truly the most amazing thing I've ever done is get a participation award. I hung it on my wall as if it was a reward for solving world hunger. Really what's gonna happen is Im gonna go to college and either burn out or work really hard. For a few years I'm gonna live with my parents, but they can't keep me there forever. I'm going to apply for jobs near my hometown, then my state, then my region, then my country. Nobody wants me. Nobody will ever fall in love with me and I'll spend my life slowly dying from health issues I can't pay off because I'm jobless and paying off thousands of dollars of bills. The economy is probably going to crash again, and I'll die sad and alone. If not from that than from global warming. Truthfully doing my homework and trying to get straight A's won't help me to avoid getting shot in a parking lot. Following all the rules in the hypothetical book won't help me pay medical bills. All I'll ever amount to is being that weird kid that nobody wanted to hang out with in school. People will see my death on gen z Facebook and just shrug. Maybe cheer. Maybe they'll think about that one time in first grade when I called them dumb for not knowing how to do a problem in math. I don't regret saying it but I shouldn't of. I know that. But I didn't back then. A select few might say they were friends with me. They'll remember a large fallout of our friendship, even though we said we'd be friends forever and ever and live in a mansion together until we die. Maybe it could've happened. I don't know. I'm just a teenager. A hopeless teenager who knows I'm going to die early. Dying at 40 doesn't feel scary until you're 20... Then 30... Then you hit 40. You live in fear. True 40 is years from now. But not enough. Why can't I live until I'm 90? Why isn't that possible for me? What about 60? Is that reasonable? Even 50. That would be splendid. Due to the American education system though it might be shortened even more due to stress, and maybe cut short by an intruder. I don't know. I'm just gonna cry into my pillow and forget I posted this so I can write "girl what- um.. anyways" on it tomorrow to dismiss my feelings because I shouldn't worry about this because I have a good life rn.

[loseallcontrol]

@samhainchrist500 tagged me to share 5 songs I’m currently listening to & I actually was going to make a Facebook post about it the other day bc I love sharing music w others as a love language so I love this

Current favorites:

1. All Things End: Hozier

2. Dream Girl Evil: Florence + the Machine

3. If I’m Crazy: Amigo the Devil

4. I Love You I’m Sorry (pts 1&2): Mel Bryant + the Mercy Makers

5. The Scab: an Unkindness

Bonus explanations that no one asked for:

1: hyped that he’s finally released new music & while the hook on Eat Your Young is the one going viral, this one is underrated. Idk I just love/accept the concept that everything ends either through naturally falling apart, or through death. There always some sort of natural conclusion so I shouldn’t hold on so tightly. Just appreciating things while they are happening. After my most recent breakup especially. While he did some things I find unacceptable and he probably thinks the same of me, I don’t think either of us are necessarily at fault. “We begin again” either starting over with ourselves, with others, or more broadly as energy transferring from one plane to another if you believe in that sort of thing.

2. Also her newest album from last year. Kind of talks about the Madonna whore complex and how we’re expected to be everything to romantic partners- a projection of their relationship with their mom, p*rnstars, a way for them to redo past mistakes in previous relationships and ultimately just repeating them to love into the next.. yeh

3. Loved him for years now, so my favorites by him always change. I would kill to see him live one day. The pure rawness of emotion and rasp in his voice is astounding.

4. Basically my internal monologue in relationships. Constantly over apologizing for everything and nothing. Highs and lows involved. Forever feeling like both too much and not enough. Also just part of the autistic/adhd/c-ptsd experience feeling like my neurotype makes me “wrong” compared to others. The inner child just begging to be forgiven and loved wholly as I am.

5. Another band I’ve loved for a few years now. Just a jaunty tune and as always, the emotion involved. “I never go to sleep, please let me go to sleep” always hits me like a gut punch as someone chronically tired who swings wildly between insomnia and hypersomniatic states.

I think you’re supposed to tag 5 people so:

@lazychicken310 @nighttimeghosties @queerb

& whoever else wants to do it lol

#p #song tag

[captainkurosolaire]

Was quite captivated by your words. Pulled this quote to be reminded that our creations live with us and beyond us. —- :O! This is incredible and so sweet I was momentarily wordless. Very talented to see it given creation and amazing art even. But it does still ring true, it’s a unfathomable endless sea to admire and cultivate. I really do think exploring creativity and wherever passion is/may be concerned, is our real power, it’s the closest thing I know that not only we can give others, what we can bring to life or destroy, we’re the most limitless in the grasp of transforming what’s upon our distinct minds.

=Personal Story Time= If used correctly, it’s a real throne and kingdom that should be proud of that banner we bring. I live for that sight, that moment, to hear and not only bring it to be drawn by it! The more I’ve come to also take that in, I see everything is a story and life channels it into me and I am always compelled to write or do something because of it. Even my most darkest days and creative writing stuff I went through recently, I’ve put that even back on bring out in late night story que’s for the future, all my inexperience, all my flaws. Because all that is apart of me. I can’t ret-con myself either. …And because I treat myself like that and take everything in, I’ve become someone incredibly more whole. There’s a confidence now that stirs in my chest that tells me I absolutely, can achieve anything. That entire explosive energy in me, that’s compelled me to try channeling it outwardly too. Cause if I can feel like that, I know everyone else can cause they’re/you’re my betters. Should that not be what’s felt, well then I’ll make sure while I’m thriving and living to give everything my all until patiently that day comes. Moment’s can push you beyond things never thought possible. I was in a three-day coma, doubted I could even survive after I aspirated into my lungs, a botched surgery gone array. Had my colon removed for a year and then reversed back into me to try attempt to do a procedure that would give my colon its necessary functions again. Happened suddenly and the midst of Christmas even, I remember deliriously all the strong pain-killers that are so powerful they create life-like hallucinations, the aroma, the smell, everything I could hear/see witness, I was on such high stuff, I still even had dreams and with those they were formed from the realities of my memories, my experiences. When you have something like that flash upon your life, there is a message potentially hidden in all that. I would say before that I was more introverted then 99% of the people here. I never spoke barely anyone, I was quite to myself outside the very limited people and even those who were closest never really I expressed myself cause I used to be embarrassed of how nerdy, or everything I was still. I enjoyed many interests and things that I never knew would click, I lacked it all. My answer came, in writing. My canvas, the place where I found my own freedom. Because upon something like this, it’s natural for me, this is like having my feet buried in the soil’s of awaiting beach sands, I’m the most comfort in this element and environment. Nothing beats me here, ADHD to the point I needed special-care and education, mild case of autistic, depression, anything mentally that could attack me, I could defeat here. Lay it all out, become myself. I made my autobiography at 16, barely a life yet to make a story about, but you’d be surprised it had much writing, all the future written on that page! I started writing commissions when I was 18 for people on dating apps and Facebook even. I began making my own RPG elements, character sheets, I went for anything too starry or ahead of myself, when I got my second-chance, I took it!

And it let me even though I wasn’t able to attend my high school at that time, I was able to show people myself in writing and I overcame it, I became more confident and never again did I look back. I only decided to further venture into it. Because when I woke up from that whole health, stuck in a hospital a month in my own weakness and fragility, one of my closest friends passed and that tore my world’s existence apart – because, I didn’t get to show him that side of me, the one who meant everything. Never again.

I became someone who challenge and became his worst critic, every writer has one! I’m the worst, no one can out-perform me in being toxic or against me. No one is against me like myself, no one wants me to fail like some of the noggin voices in my head. But with every voice telling me to quit, give-up, I push myself and look back at the aftermath what I created the people, I spite and made because I fight! I create! I build! I go for more, no matter how big. I am drawn back to write again and again! Until I can’t no longer. For the longest time I felt there was nowhere I belonged because how vastly different I was with this passion so strongly pumping in me. But then I found this place on Tumblr and learned blogs, I found the right RP community, I found entire acceptance and everything a whole civilization, more then a few people. It made everything become even more encouraging. Now I’m even better than that long-time ago, I haven’t forgotten those moments, they carry and make-me, but now I’m even more tenaciously passionate. And many people have struck me down, targeted how deeply I was into writing, my passions, they succeeded, beat me down, made me overthink, they aided against my worst. But their shadows, they didn’t make sure the job was done, it made errors. The darker things become, the more space it consumes. Only takes ONE tiny star and if it glimmers a shine and when it does, it will bring a light that will carries a solar system. Within here; for every voice that used to exist that was spewing against me to damage me down, there’s now with one voice of someone, who’s been inspired, praised, seen or gone to a journey and trip around this tenure. They’ve echoed billions of sounds more impactful and I resonate with it, I create off it, and it’s going to eventually show how far I can take it, grow and nurture off this. I have no limits, I’m a writer, a creator inspired by the eldest of stone.

I can lose many things, but the one thing I will never let myself be taken away from is my moments of symphony, that are my choir of newfound life.

#asks answered #Thanks for your art gives life as evident #Figured the chest pumping gif I made works in this situation #First we had nip physics now we've unlocked the next level #Teaser #But we're gonna create only the most important things *nods* #Breathe. Live. In These Moments!

[mirandamckenni1]

MAKE A BLANKET HOODIE: How I made my Autism Sensory Cocoon #blankethoodie #diy I been wanting sew my own blanket hoodie for a few years now. Recently I found some sherpa lined fabric on mega clearance and I knew the time had come. Join me as I make my own dream sensory cocoon to help support my sensory needs as a person on the autism spectrum. Etsy Pattern for Hoodie: https://ift.tt/RWotAZN Fabric I used is still available on clearance: Plaid Fabric (10.49 a yard): https://ift.tt/043FQcx Corduroy Fabric (11.99 a yard): https://ift.tt/Q6RjXJp If you want to check out my ETSY, it's here: https://ift.tt/hMfYoXU Join the #mugclub WOODSHEDTHEORY.COM is LIVE! Visit to order your Porch Coffee Mug Today! https://ift.tt/Rb7uf4X What do you think of my secret ETSY? neurodiversestore.etsy.com Hi! I’m Claire, and this is my channel, Woodshed Theory. Here you will find the awkward ramblings of an adult autist. I love being creative and sharing my experiences with you. Subscribe to see more DIYs and Autism Discussions on your feed! Please subscribe if you wish and thank you for visiting. Email: [email protected] Instagram: @woodshed_theory FACEBOOK: https://ift.tt/WUOSXDE All the music and sounds in my videos are from epidemicsound.com Thumbnail was produced in Canva. B-Roll is also from Canva. via YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2xs6zd3fsY

#IFTTT #YouTube #Youtube

[kittyfairyblog]

March 11 2023

 Meow meow here I am again coming to you from my bedroom. I had been watching youtube videos and being on my Steam Deck until I ran out of videos to watch. I can’t believe that happens. I am so tired of it. My folks are napping in their bedroom while I am as I stated before in my bedroom. I had an interesting day to say the least. I went with my mom and Kylie the dog to run some errands in town. While in the car I had to try to keep Kylie calm because she didn’t seem to like when the car stopped at places. Meow well we stopped at Burger King to get some food from there and I shared some fries with Kylie. Well Kylie threw up on my lap and at least there was a way to clean up the mess but when I got home I had to change clothing. I wasn’t always in the bedroom today I was also in the living room as always. I didn’t stay there long because my mom came home from next door tending to my niece and nephew. Today my sister and her new baby came home from the hospital which is good. I haven’t seen the baby physically yet. I feel tired. I didn’t get as much sleep as I used to when I had my CPAP machine. I think I must have told someone that I had messed up my CPAP machine while in a dream well that’s what happened to my CPAP machine. I must have hit it so hard that it wouldn’t function. I feel like no one wants to talk with me today other than my folks. I haven’t been able to chat with anyone of my friends on Facebook messager today. I have my bedroom blocked off keeping Kylie out of the room so she wouldn’t bark at me. I don’t know what it is with Kylie she likes to bark for attention. Meow this neko boy doesn’t understand this neighborhood where I live. I don’t like going outside like I used to when I lived in another house. My family doesn’t understand that I am simply kind of afraid of this neighborhood. Yes I am in my 30s but this neko boy just doesn’t like living here. I feel not my age. I am Autistic and Bipolar. Meow I just hit that mental wall sometimes where I can barely function. I had to couple of times while typing this blog entry to check on Kylie because she started barking from the living room at the neighborhood kids that seem not to understand what no trespassing means. We don’t have signs up but we had told these kids many times not to get in our yard. Anyway I guess I will end this entry for now. I might post some pictures or not. It really depends what happens after this. Until next time later. 

[faeassassin]

When last we met...

I’m anticipating losing Twitter as a place to doomscroll, to vent, to find new people, to make new friends, and just in general be my weird self.

So, the last time I was really active on Tumblr I feel like I was a much different person. I started here while I was still known for writing anime fanfic. I’d had a few NaNoWriMo wins under my belt. I was a LiveJournal refugee.

And I played a lot of World of Warcraft.

a LOT of World of Warcraft

No, more than that. I was a pretty solidly hardcore raider when this account was new, then I broke up with my ex, ended up getting married to a guy I dated in high school, and became a filthy casual.

I loved it. I was completely enamored with WoW lore even without the raiding, I watched all the YT videos I could find that expounded on it, and never wanted it to end.

Then I found out the CEO of Blizzard was a sexual predator and I dropped WoW and Diablo like a hot potato.

I’d been working as a social media moderator for a company called ICUC for over six years. I got fired the morning after the Pulse shooting for speaking up for the safety of me and my team. Two years later I was working at Cognizant for a huge social media platform I am still technically not allowed to mention, and ended up with a giant case of PTSD that’s kept me from holding down a job since.

I lost my job, I lost my favorite game (and realized it was an autistic special interest of mine), and I was ready to remake myself.

Before I left that job I went out on a limb. See, I knew already that I could write awesome things that people enjoyed reading IF I could catch their attention. I’ve never lost my passion for telling stories, and I wanted to prepare an escape hatch for the nightmare I was living. I self published my first book five years ago this month. A book that was never a NaNoWriMo project. Just something I’d poked at for about ten years off and on. I had cover art. I had an editor. I had a dream. I had a little spare change to try to get noticed with a few (poorly planned) advertisements on Facebook.

I didn’t have ANY knowledge of what I was doing, I’d lost all touch with most of the people who used to be fans. I had crippling depression and growing symptoms of severe anxiety. (Physical symptoms. It was ugly.)

But what I DID have was a husband who was willing to try to make things work on one income while I started writing more books. I had a friend who happened to know a few things about graphic design who started making my cover art. I started making friends with other authors who pushed me toward better information on the business side of self publishing.

Now? I have six books published. I am proud of them. I am still writing (PTSD and grief and health issues willing, of course.) I turned to Minecraft to fill my gaming itch, and now I’ve found a new special interest in Empires SMP and Hermitcraft SMP videos. They fill that game lore void that had been sitting in my soul, and they’ve been inspiring my writing.

Also? Hi. I’m self-diagnosed autistic. Does it make any difference? Kinda. I’m still me, but it explains a LOT of my life and why I couldn’t understand why I felt so alone and couldn’t connect with anyone. Why everything was harder for me all the time, why I was so “sensitive” about everything, and...well. I could probably get a professional diagnosis, but it would be prohibitively expensive, and it wouldn’t do any good at all. Maybe some feeling of validation, I guess, but that’s about it. That’s not worth a thousand dollars out of pocket that I don’t have.

Long story short? I’m a different person now. I’m about to turn 48, and my life is a beautiful disaster. Nice to meet you again. If the Twittersphere burns down, I’ll settle in where I’ve already got roots.

[tistje]

Hello Tistje “ as I saw you are using internet in a great amazing way you have your own blog . You are active on more platforms !! How do you see Tumblr in it how important is Tumblr ?? How do you see platforms in general ?? This makes me very curious .. Gr

For me Tumblr enables me to build a kind of museum in progress or collection of what and who I think is beautiful or what motivates me to enjoy life. It’s quite easy to use, I think, and not too expensive. Of course, every platform or system has its flaws, weird rules, or limitations, and so does Tumblr.

In contrast to the other social media I use, my Tumblr has only little to do with autism, or at least a first sight. With my Tumblr I try to show that there’s more than just writing text on autism related topics. Instead, I’d like to think my life consists of discovering all kinds of things, people, places, … that I dream of or dance with in my head.

How important is Tumblr to me? It’s a great way to have new input, and enjoy beauty in all its forms, and it lets me share things that are not possible on the other platforms, such as Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, WordPress or Medium. It also gives inspiration and stimulates me to write on other topics than I immediately think of. I also get questions in my private box, though much less than on other platforms, for advice or information on certain autism-related topics. And Tumblr is of course also a community of people I find myself related to in a way.

Finally, Tumblr is a part of the Tistje ‘sphere’, and it is one of the platforms I like to experiment with to share information, joy, inspiration of others and of myself, or to report of my pilgrimage to a way of life that is compatible with autistic living as well as living in this hypermodern (somewhat conservative) society of ours.

#tumblr #platforms #blog #autism #social media #question #answer

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

How to Recognize Anxiety in Yourself and Others:

Overthinking

Avoidance

Sweating

Stomach Issues

Panic attacks

Needing reassurance

Lack of patience

Procrastination

Trouble concentrating

Constant worrying

Trouble breathing

Headaches

Rapid heartbeat

Insomnia

Memory issues

Autistic and living the dream

#anxiety #high anxiety #generalized anxiety disorder #how to recognize anxiety #Autistic and living the dream (Facebook) #feel free to share/reblog

[mycptsdstory]

Today is actually the first day I feel okay! Since the whole lockdown thing, for like 3 and half weeks, I’ve had nothing but flashbacks and emotional flashbacks. It’s horrible! I would never dream my worst enemy to have.

Having a flashback feels like you’ve gone back in time reliving that traumatic moment. Even tho right now, you know you’re fine, you know you feel safe. But your brain is like “heyy remember this tragic moment... yeahh relive that shit” then it just puts you into this wirl wind of emotion.

Emotional flashbacks are having that emotion you felt that was so traumatic, that you feel like you’re living through it again and it feels real. It’s strange because you know, that emotion is no longer there, you know now that you are safe, but your brain tells you other wise.

I did do a Facebook post about this and it goes into detail. I haven’t found it yet, but once I do, I will post it on here. It just gives you a bigger insight on what having flashbacks is like. Even from a car crash (you can get PTSD from a car crash) or a really bad break up, you can get flashbacks of them.

Every persons pain is different, that’s why some people can handle a car crash and some people can’t. When my dad told me stories of his war missions, I know I couldn’t handle it, but he could. Everyone is different.

From my experience and talking to different people, also with the stigma of CPTSD; it doesn’t come from wars or being imprisoned. It comes from rape, abuse (from partners to family), work places, stalking, harassment and the list goes on. With CPTSD it’s not just one incident, it’s from multiple, it takes years and years of therapy to get over. Even then, that person isn’t over everything completely, but they can move on. PTSD is one tragic event and you can get over it, some people need therapy, some people don’t. I found out from my doctor when I thought I wasn’t autistic, he said “you have CPTSD. PTSD is when you get over it in a few years from one tragic event. CPTSD takes a long time and with therapy with the right therapist, that’s when you move on.” I thought, wow, he knew me.

Just thought this little information will help

#cptsdhealing #just cptsd things #living with cptsd #cptsd problems #cptsd tag #cptsd thoughts #actually cptsd #cptsd vent #tw cptsd #actually ptsd #ptsd thoughts #ptsd recovery #ptsdisreal #ptsd problems #ptsdlife #ptsd tw #ptsdsupport #complex ptsd #ptsd #ptsd cw #childhood ptsd #living with ptsd #ptsd tag #ptsdwarrior #flashbacks #emotional flash backs

[straycatboogie]

2023/04/04 English

BGM: Electronic - Soviet

It was 35.9℃. I exchanged some messages with a woman from Russia I had met on Facebook. She said she is reading my diary deeply so I felt glad by that. She also likes Haruki Murakami's novels, and I heard she has autistic children. She told me about them a lot, but I have been single during this life so I can't tell any certain advice. What can I do... and I thought if I connect my friends who also study autism with her. Although telling her about how Japanese situation reacts autism might not be actual for Russians, but it wouldn't work as nonsense... I want to tell her comments to them with my translation. At least, no reaction from me would work worse. But I shouldn't hurry about this so I want to tell her. Yes, I hope we could connect each other, but time would wait for me.

A Japanese proverb says our skill will help us. Although I have never thought about this, and I have even lived with no certain policy, but I might be able to say that I have supported myself with the skill of language if I look back at my life. After graduated Waseda, although I have worked at one company steadily, I even spent my time with alcohol or tried to write a novel to change my life upside down. I lived as a wanderer... and I encountered a friend of mine at my 40. She said to me "your English is so clear", and it worked me as the beginning of this idea. "I have never studied abroad, but I want to write in English". And now, I have many friends who are connected with me as the learners of English on MeWe, Discord, and Facebook. I can enjoy a certain international friendship. Oh, I am impressed by this because I was once hated terribly by others in my childhood. All of my trauma was just a dream? If the place changes, the point of view also changes...

But what can "talented" mean? What does "gifted" mean... Once I was said that "you must be a genius" on Facebook, but I never think that I am a genius. Although I am sometimes impressed (and I even think myself as awful) by the "fluent" English I have written, I notice that I have a lot of "lack of talent" in various fields. I studied a lot but couldn't master French, and I can't cook meals by myself. I can't drive a car. And, whether I am talented or not, I just do reading and learning English because I like them a lot. If I go into those activity, I can even forget my ego. Maybe people look at that myself as I am doing enormous effort or study. I never do effort or study with them. I guess they are the same activities as other people play games.

As I wrote this before in this diary, Talking about talents leads me to the memory of Taiyo Matsumoto's manga "Ping Pong". In that manga, A boy Akuma appears. He dedicates himself to the world of Ping Pong, and does training a lot. But (although this might describes that manga's core), he has to face that he loses. He has to face the stronger player, and learn his limit. But in that manga Akuma can see the happiness for him who did such great effort, and he can accept his happy end. In my opinion, his life must be happy. Yes, we can't say that everybody will end their life as champions even if they do efforts a lot. But I believe that there is a state that the people who do certain efforts can only understand, not related with they can be champions or not. I believe so, and even dream so therefore I learn English. But I am also dreaming that "I wish I could go to the stage of TED as an autistic person from Japan"... So sorry!

#diary #english #journal #tumblr diary

[beatles-lover24]

some very random asks that no one asked for

1. how many pillows do you sleep with? i sleep on 1 pillow, but there is usually 3 other pillows on my bed. otherwise i feel like the bed feels empty lol

2. do you believe in soulmates? yeah and i believe we don’t just have 1, and it’s not just a romantic partner.

3. would you ever kiss a stranger? i’ve kissed someone i only met like an hour prior

4. describe your dream house enough room for a piano and all my music stuff

5. do you usually use cash or card? both

6. do you enjoy driving in general? yes

7. do you like your name? if not, what would you change your name to? yeah it’s fine i guess

8. what’s your favorite cuisine? Maltese

9. how often do you get massages? the first and last one i had was 2016

10. do you play video games? if so, what games? nope. some would say i’m a fake autistic for this

11. do you prefer to colour with coloured pencils, crayons, or markers? crayons are a mood

12. what other fandoms are you in? the beatles, radiohead, queen

13. do you have a signature in your style/everyday outfits? band merch tshirts, cool socks, scrunchies, earrings that match

14. do you have any pets? if not, do you want some in the future? 2 cats

15. do you give objects you own a name? (car, house, plants, etc) i named my car and my guitar

16. do you like the weather where you live? yeah i guess. the weather where i live is known to be very temperamental 

17. if you could wear one color for the rest of your life, what would it be? blue

18. do you like making small talk? no #autistic

19. what’s your favorite social media platform? facebook

20. have you ever been to hawaii? no

21. name a fashion trend that you absolutely hate oversized sports leisure clothes

22. name a fashion trend that you absolutely love doc martens and converse

23. what was the last text you sent? “no. the cats will eat it” (my sister wants to get a rabbit)

24. when making plans, do you like to organize or go with the flow when the time comes? i organise #autistic

25. what do you want to name your future kids? Elsie, Freddie

26. do you have a type? girls

27. when was the last time you kissed someone? saturday

28. how often do you cook? daily

29. do you think __x__ is overrated or underrated? modern ‘musicians’ are overrated

30. do you always remember your dreams? sometimes

31. do you believe in ghosts? nah

32. would you ever want to move outside of your country? if there was a music opportunity

33. describe your first love i don’t think i’ve really been in love

34. more peanut butter or more jelly? equal

35. do your irls know about your tumblr account? my irl friends don’t care lol

36. do you prefer hot or cold beverages? depends what it is

37. when was the last time you finished a book? year 12

38. what would you want your wedding colors to be? lilac and something else

39. how long do you let your nails grow? i play the piano, so not long at all

40. if you could stay at a certain age, what age would you pick? i haven’t hit an ideal age yet lol

41. who do you think has it easiest: older siblings or younger siblings? youngest (aka not me)

42. how often do you post on social media? about once or twice a week

43. do you enjoy big groups? no way

44. do you like it when you’re awaken by the sounds of birds chirping? eh yeah i guess

45. which hand is your favourite? both because i’m a musician

46. how many people do you follow? many

47. how many followers do you have? not many

48. how many drafts do you have? none

49. do you hang or fold your sweaters? fold

50. even numbers or odd? even

#me #questions #ask

[bacholeee]

Blog Entry 9-18-20

as of writing this it is 7:07 PM September 18th 2020. I woke up from a very comfortable dream, the dream was me and a girl i like recreated poses from the famous anime JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure as my brain has been rotten by it since February of this year. pissed off i woke up from that delighted dream i stayed in bed looking over Snapchat seeing no new messages (the typical) and scrolling on Instagram & Tiktok. Twitter is the only of livelihood i have, so i know nobody from there and nobody i know in real life follows me. i stayed in bed till a quarter to 10 AM i got dressed in a all grey combo. my mother got back from the gym and as she got back i helped her shower my dog which i feel is my only friend who cares about me. 10 minutes after we showered him i made some eggs with sausage with a glass of water, while my dog was playing with his squeaky toy. i love him so much! after i finished eating i rushed to my room to finish my algibra homework which took me about an hour to finish then do little of my 2D animation class till my brain completly fried, about an hour later i played some games on my phone then watched YouTube till my classes started.

the algebra class was boring so i played among us on my phone. after my class ended i went to history class which ended 20 minutes early because the teacher was to in confident to copy and paste a piece of text into the chat box on Zoom. my long time friend who was in that class called me however my phone was having a mental breakdown so i called him 10 minutes later. he first said that he was going to call me and call me gay for disagreeing on school’s giving Gun safety classes. we talked for awhile until the class “ended” and our last class started. the last class was also pretty boring the teacher had us draw a character we liked in 2 minutes. me trying to do detail drawing failed so i resorted to drawing a ninja turtle which is the easit thing I could draw since i was obsessed with the franchise since 2012. while I had my classes going on i had my grandparents barging in asking stupid questions knowing i was in classes.

a few minutes after my classes finished my grandfather brought KFC for dinner. i was hesiatint at first considering my brother is an autistic obese 14 year old and the only thing he likes to do is stay on his mattress he has in my parents room, cause trouble and eat unhealthy, and every time anybody brings KFC he would divoir it but only eat the chicken part not the meat or whatever is underneath it. as i was getting my plate and my father came home from work my grandmother spilled something hot, and through the rukas my brother attempted to steel my piece but he saw my father and stopped. as i was finishing my chicken my brother (who had 4 pieces of chicken un eaten) tried to get another one until my dad to basked away from him and yelled not to get anymore. he left screeming since he can’t communicate and i finished my chicken. i threw away my plastic plate and went into my room, and began to hand draw a cool art piece Hiroiko Araki did on Jotaro Kujo (my favorite JoJo lead) i spent about an hour on it and asking my dad if we can go to Micheal’s to grab markers. my dad being lazy and likes sitting on the couch or on his phone scrolling through Facebook said no, but “maybe this weekend” which translates too “no”. i spent the next few hours watching YouTube on my X-Box until my favorite Podcast went live. while i was watching the Podcast i went on my social media’s only to be dissapointed looking at the messages and being greetead by nothing. i sometimes wonder why I have social media. i can toleratie Instagram but i really don’t like Snapchat. Twitter is by far my favorite  cause nobody knows a damn thing about me or my personal life. the only reason i have Snapchat is because my friend said if i wanted to get a girlfriend you have to get Snapchat. i did so so i started talking to some and one i talked to was 13, i stopped all communication from that person. i find it odd some of the pics she was sendig (we were communicating through Snaps) she had those kissing lips and tounge out and i’m like “why the fuck is this 13 year old taking pictures like this”. i then talked to another girl who was a year younger than me, but she stopped talking to me. i’m almost debating uninstalling the social media app cause it’s literally no use for me. the last girl i had left me with a scarred heart and trauma. take that as you will. i use instagram to look at pictures and that’s it. with the acational talking to friends since i believe everyone forgot the meaning of “cell phones” same goes for TikTok minus the talking to friends part. now i’m here probaly going on TikTok, watch the new Jordan Peele movie coming out, then masturbate since my life is lonely and depressing lol.     

[werevulvi]

My everlasting beard issue. I just need to figure it out sometime, and writing about it over and over is my best approach to do so. Deal with it. I had a pretty long time of feeling almost certain that I wanted it removed, until it changed again, very recently. Perhaps that's how it always will be, forever switching between wanting and not wanting it.

Deep down I really do wanna keep it, but on surface level I really don't like it.

I think it's possible that I just refuse to accept that I want to keep it, and try really hard to disconnect myself from it. I wanna live as a woman now, but having facial hair makes me being perpetually read as male. I deeply crave to just be read as female. The social hurdles of being a male-passing woman are grinding me down to the ground. But then deeper down I just wanna have whatever physical traits regardless if they make me look male or female, and be open about that my sex is female regardless of how I come across. I will always be female and I'm totally fine with that, but only if I get to be a woman in whichever way I so please.

Perhaps to be happily a woman, I need to stay masculinised, and keep all of the permanent traits that I got from the testosterone.

I am not immune to being treated like shit just because I now embrace my sex. Not being believed, being viewed as a threat by other women, keep being denied access to lesbian groups on facebook despite being as overly clear as I can be about my situation, being tossed out from women's locker rooms, etc, does get to me. It makes me claw at my skin, wishing to tear it off. It makes me grunt at my mirror reflection, wondering what the fuck happened to my natural beauty that I traded for a medically transitioned mess that I can't help but to hate to love, and love to hate.

Beneath all that extra hair I am still me. The little girl who grew up to this mess of a woman. The name I now proudly carry is the one my mother gave me before I was even born. She knew she was gonna have a daughter before I was even conceived, and I'm her first child. She's very intuitive like that. There is a lot of positive meaning to my name which I up until last year rejected and felt was misguided, but it couldn't have been more right.

No matter how far I've transitioned, how much or little I still resemble the girl I once was, I am still her.

No matter how badly I perform femininity, as if I learned to only be feminine in a way that is mocking my own sex, and no matter how awkwardly I portray masculinity, like a Barbie stuffed into Ken's clothes, what does it matter? No one is born with knowledge on how to dress or how to behave. Autistic people like myself are arguably even worse at learning such things. It's just fabric after all.

I've become better at standing my ground. Went to a bar in a foreign country a few weeks ago, dressed very masculine, no makeup, my short hair with sidecut on display. A presumably straight man attempted to hug and kiss me, and I swear I nearly scratched his eyes out. I didn't need to know the word for "no" in that foreign language to very clearly state my disinterest. He bounced off me as if electrocuted and didn't even look in my direction for the rest of that night. I felt a surge of confidence liberating me. I defended myself against a creepy man and won the battle.

The lesbian in me is proud as fuck, and so is the rape victim in me. That was a huge mental victory. It told me: yes, I can survive in the world as a woman, and I'll do it just fine.

I've lately been going to women's bathrooms like it's nobody's business. Just a quick glance at me and my beard shadow is very striking under such strong flourescent lights. I make no attempts to hide it other than shaving, and I don't care to, but it keeps me on my toes knowing it's so visible. Yet I keep thinking: so what?

What do I even want? Something impossible like being recognised as bio female despite my beard? Probably. But how much should I really listen to my social dysphoria? Isn't my body still far more important than how it comes across to random strangers? Yes, it is. My body is mine, not theirs. Who I am in a stranger's eyes might not be true. In fact, it's highly likely to be false, but that doesn't mean that strangers have some kinda right to argue with me about what my sex is. I damn well know what I was born as. It's not something I tend to forget. As soon as I get my legal sex marker changed back to female and new breasts, I'm gonna take it up into stride with the staff at my local swimming hall about that locker room situation. I'm technically a biological woman even if I look male. They have no right to bar me from the women's locker room and stuff me into the handicap locker room as if I'm an embarrassing inconvenience. If I had actually been a trans woman, which I'm pretty sure is what they assume, it would have been different.

They should have asked instead of assumed. I should have said something instead of quietly accepted. But I won't be silent forever. Right is right, and I don't like this kinda discrimination.

Sometimes it boggles my mind... how can they not see that I'm female? When I'm standing just centimetres/inches from their faces and being looked up and down. When I'm literally only wearing a bikini, or even entirely naked, and they still believe I'm male. When they state it smuggly as if they think they for sure just clocked a trans woman. People's clocking skills are so fucking broken, I almost wanna hand them my glasses! Makes me feel like some kinda double spy. It's eerie. As if I had lived in another country for many years before returning back home to Sweden, but no one believed anymore that I'm truly a native Swede.

Such has my detransition been like so far. Like I am back in my home country but everyone treats me like a foreigner. Have I forgotten my language, have I forgotten how to female?

I cling to my beard, I still do. Sometimes I get this strange feeling as if I "feel masculine" and those are the moments that I love being a little scruffy. That's when I tend to feel more connected to my facial hair, deep voice, body hair, etc. And when I "feel feminine" I tend to instead feel more connected to my curves, pussy, etc. Although I always like my pussy, curves, body hair, and always want new breasts just as much, it drastically changes how I feel about my deep voice and facial hair. That confuses me.

As I've stated before, I think if I hadn't been gender critical, I would have identified as non-binary. I know a lot of how I feel could be explained by that, but I don't want such a libfem loaded term. I keep seeking a realistic, logical explanation for how I feel. Perhaps I'm just very androgynous and maybe my androgyny extends to what could be called some kinda sex dysphoria which wasn't created by my past traumas. Perhaps I just like having a very masculinised female body, and perhaps the way I view my body is more important than how other people view it.

Perhaps I never actually want to grow out any significant amount of my facial hair. Perhaps the little bit of stubble that happens between shavings is just enough. Perhaps a small soul patch or a few hairs left unshaven is enough. Perhaps I just like having the total freedom of having any possible beard style, and am strangely proud of how dense and dark it is. Perhaps the act of shaving my face in itself feels like a very masculine and soothing ritual for me to do routinely. Perhaps beard care is something that hugely matters to me in terms of self-care. Perhaps there is a deeper reason as to why I dream of learning how to shave with a straight razor. Perhaps the skin issues I get from my facial hair can be solved without removing the hairs, if only I manage to drag my ass to a dermatologist eventually.

Perhaps I should really listen to that sadness I feel stabbing my guts every time I toy with the idea of removing my facial hair, like something deep within me doesn't want it gone.

Perhaps stroking my stubble on the days I skip shaving is important intimacy with my own body and feeling connected to it. Perhaps my ever-growing beard is a positive reminder to me that my body is alive and constantly rejuvenating itself, like the growing of nails and the caring grooming routine of cutting and filing them, and like the constant shedding of dead skin cells and new ones growing in the old ones' places. Perhaps my positive connection to my beard is more spiritual than looks-based. Perhaps I need to embrace it as a woman, no matter how hard it is socially. No matter how much I'd desperately rather take the easier route. I don't want to truly face my beard, but I know I will eventually have to, because I can't continue on like this. Something within me has been begging, urging and scratching at me to listen. It wants to tell me something that I am not mentally prepared to take in. I know it matters, so I won't ignore it forever.

Sometimes I put my feelings on hold when I'm not mentally prepared for them, but eventually I always take the call. Perhaps I should take that call now.

#detrans #detrans woman #facial hair #dysphoria #androgyny #social repercussions