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jennamoran · 4 months

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The Far Roofs

So today I want to talk a bit about what this game wants to be. In particular, I'm going to go over its key technical and artistic goals.

The Far Roofs focuses on immersive hidden world fantasy adventure. It's intended to offer the experience of a grounded, emotionally real base world attached to an idealized, fantastic "hidden world" setting.

One might say, the streets and buildings and houses of the game's world are basically our own. Above us, though, is a stranger, more idealized, and more fantastic place. It's hard to get to. It's dangerous. It's less grounded. It's full of wonder.

Those are the Far Roofs.

This divide exists to make the game feel as real as possible, if you want to go that way. That's part of what hidden world fantasy is about, after all---the idea that magic is here. That it's not in some distant alien land or mythic future or past.

It's here, if you want to reach for it.

(Now, the game is flexible enough that you can play "protagonist" types instead of realer people, and many traditional gaming groups will probably prefer that, but that'll mean getting less of that immersive effect.)

The mood the game is interested in is that feeling you get when you take a huge risk---move to a new place; try a new thing. The feeling you get in those times in your life when everything is alienated and wondrous and terrifying but there's also so much more *hope* than there was in the still times before.

It's a mood of being swept up and called forward.

This is, among other things, meant to be a game for people who've been beaten down or exhausted by the ... everything ... to feel that sensation of moving forward again.

To remember what it's like, why it's worth it, how to reach for it again.

It's meant---and I do understand that I am finite and flawed and this can only go so far---as a tonic and refreshment to the soul.

Rules

The Far Roofs uses a 5d6-based dice pool system for day-to-day task resolution. It's relatively traditional and optimized for fast, fun dice reading. There's a loose consensus I've seen in RPG design circles that dice are for when outcomes are uncertain and both options are interesting, and I don't disagree ... but there's also this thing where rolling dice to decide is intrinsically interesting and fun, where it's fuel for a certain part of the brain.

This game tries to get as much out of that side of dice as it can.

You'll also collect letter tiles and cards over the course of the game. This is for bigger-picture stuff:

To answer big questions and to complete big projects, you'll either assemble representative words out of those tiles, or, play a poker hand built out of those cards. Word and their nuances express ideas and shape how outcomes play out; poker hands, conversely, just give a qualitative measure of how much work you do or how well things will go.

In keeping with this, the campaign is represented principally in the form of questions or issues your words and hands can address. Player/GM-created campaigns would be the same.

Physical and Electronic Product

I wanted to put the print version within the range of as many people who might need that tonic as possible. That means that for this particular game, I wanted to cover the full territory that I'd normally cover in a two or three volume set (core rules, setting, and campaign) in a single 200-250-page volume.

In practice this means there's a guide and examples for constructing the setting, rather than a deep dive into a fully-detailed world; that there's a bit less in the way of whimsical digression and flourish than in the writing I'm known for; that there's minimal "flavor" text on abilities; and that the campaign presentation is pretty fast-paced.

Conversely, it means that the game should be easy to absorb and to share with other possible players, and, that the game and campaign in this one relatively small volume should provide enough content for five or six years of play.

The book will be 8.5"x11" with grayscale art, available in a limited hardcover print run and a print-on-demand softcover form.

On the Rats

You'll see a lot of talk from me and others about the talking rats in this game. They're one of the jewels of the experience, and I think they're probably a significant draw just for being talking rats that are core to the game.

... but I'm going to hold off for now, because, to be clear, this is not a game of playing talking rats. It's just a game where talking rats and probably one of the top three most important setting elements.

I couldn't get that feeling I wanted of ... the base world being grounded realism; of the hidden world pulling you up and out and into a world full of magic ... with your playing rats, with your playing something so distant from the typical player.

So this is not a game of playing them.

They're just ... I like rats, and so I made the rats in this game with love. They're great ... whatever the equivalent is to "psychopomps" is for a magical world instead of for death ... and a way of talking about how in the face of the world, we're all pretty small.

I'm really excited about this game; the playtest was lovely.

I hope you'll enjoy it as well!

#the far roofs #jenna moran #rpgs

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ghosttownwherenoonegoes · 2 years

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I need your love before I fall // e.m. x gn!reader ft. Uncle Wayne💗

Summary: You're missing Uncle Wayne because he's been working so much he's barely home. Turns out that Eddie misses him too, phones him up while you're out of the room, and then you express that you miss him. Floored, Uncle Wayne yet again steps up for his loved ones. We love and support the bestest most amazing DAD in all of Hawkins✨✨✨✨

TW; swearing, reader has anxious tendencies, Eddie and Wayne are soft as all hell towards each other, Eddie and reader cry because they miss Wayne, nicknames such as sweetheart (from Eddie), sweetpea (from Uncle Wayne) towards reader.

EDDIE X GN!READER BUT YOU'RE CLOSE TO UNCLE WAYNE!

Word count: 2, 549.

"Is that Uncle Wayne?"

Eddie glanced at you over his shoulder as the hopeful yet sad tone with which you spoke caught his attention. The phone was cradled against one ear and the cord was wrapped around him. He had clearly been pacing around the solo stool at the kitchen counter and had gotten himself all tangled up, though he wouldn't notice until he tried to move away from the phone and inevitably fell flat on his arse.

Like always when this happened, you'd help him up once you stopped laughing.

Maybe.

"Yeah," Eddie replied to you and then frowned as he turned away from you, speaking in a rush, "no, not you, Uncle, Y/N was asking who I was speaking to." A pause as Eddie turned back to you, "he says hi."

For some reason, for some reason, the thought that Uncle Wayne had thought of you made your bottom lip tremble and you blinked harshly against the sting of tears in the backs of your eyes and nose. "Hi," your voice was smaller and you turned away from Eddie, busying yourself with folding, unfolding and refolding the blanket Wayne had been wrapped up in before he had gone to work.

You and Eddie always pulled out the bed for him before he came home so he could toe his shoes off, reheat the food you had made him, and then collapse straight into bed.

Eddie put the pieces together very easily. He knew you, he knew you.

"Wanna talk to him, Y/N?"

You shook your head no. If you heard Uncle Wayne up close with the way you were feeling, you would cry. You would cry.

Eddie frowned, crooked a finger at you - c'mere - and you followed him like he had your body on some strings. There was never any doubt that you would do anything, go anywhere and be anything, for Eddie. He only ever wanted you, whomever you were that day.

"I think you need to, sweetheart," Eddie held one of your hands, fingers interlocked in a comforting squeeze, and held the phone to your ear with the other hand. "I know I did. Talk," Eddie always encouraged you, always, with a firm but tender tone and a gentle look in those chocolate button eyes you loved so well.

"H-hi," Tears fell down your cheeks hard and fast, leaving Eddie feeling slightly off kilter. He had known you weren't feeling your best today, but this, oh... this was pain. He understood; his uncle worked long hours and he was gone for days at a time occasionally, and missing him never got any easier. He was doing it for Eddie, to provide him with a happy home. Wayne had been doing it for years; he had never once let Eddie down and always had he stepped in and up for the boy he had raised as his own for over a decade. "How's work goin' - "

"Don't work words 'round me, sweetpea," despite the harsh words, Wayne's tone was kind. Picturing those blue eyes and that plaid you loved to fold yourself in only made you cry harder, "I know that tone, I've heard it 'fore. What's got you all torn up?"

Across Hawkins from each other they were and yet both Munsons had identical frowns on their faces; one listening to you, one watching you.

"It's silly," your voice cracked and you took a steadying breath, "just didn't see you yesterday before you went to work and then I had to go to work and then Eddie had school and then when I came home, you were just leaving and it's like all the people I love are ships in the night and I can't be there with them - with you - and I just... I miss you."

Eddie wasn't the only one who daily stayed home longer than he should just to get a hug off Wayne before they had to depart each other's company once more. Munson family hugs were commonplace. Often the highlight of everyone's day were these cherished moments.

Silence on both sides of the phone had you itching to get away. Eddie raised his eyebrows - anything else? - and you shook your head, so Eddie took the phone away from you and you walked off, feeling somewhat embarrassed. But you stayed in the same room and you stayed close; the way Eddie deliberately tapped his foot against the floor asked you to.

You heard the rest of his conversation -

"What was the last excuse I used to come home, son?"

"Uhh, tooth ache?" The upward lilt in Eddie's voice made it sound like a question even though he already knew the answer.

"And 'fore that?"

"Bad knee."

"'Fore?"

"That waaaaas..." Eddie tipped his face up to the ceiling, his tongue sticking out in concentration before he looked down at the floor with a triumphant smile once he remembered, "an actual stomach bug."

"You got it all figured out, huh?" Wayne's proud tone made Eddie smile. "What about now?"

Eddie's dark brown eyes took in your bloodshot eyes, the damp cheeks, your sniffles, the way you kept picking up and putting down the blanket Wayne had slept under, and said with zero hesitation, "family emergency. To be totally straight with you, dad, we're both missing you. You haven't been home for longer than a few hours at most, when we're already out, for days. I've been feeling restless too. We need you here tonight." A pause, then Eddie's own voice sounded a bit thick, "please, dad?"

Across town, guilt seized Wayne's heart in a cold vice. It wasn't his fault, he had to work, but Eddie had called him dad twice in one conversation - code for 'I need something extra from you emotionally' - he had said please, you were obviously upset, and it seemed then that Wayne had family, and more than just his Eddie, waiting for him at home. His boy was smart, this very much sounded like a family emergency. "...You kids sit tight."

The phone line disconnected and you and Eddie cuddled on the sofa waiting for Uncle Wayne to come home, both of you kept warm by his discarded blanket. Only in the safety of the Munson home could you fully admit to your shared vulnerability. You and Eddie said little as you waited, both of you content and feeling better from just knowing Uncle Wayne was coming home, and at last, at last, when the front door to the trailer swung open and Uncle Wayne stepped through, you and Eddie were up and out of your seats so fast that it made the both of you dizzy.

You stayed at the sofa, but Eddie, oh... Eddie went home.

"Jesus Chr - Dad!" Eddie flung himself at Uncle Wayne, who caught him mid-flight like a bat out of hell, all solid black and chains and dark curls which flew like lightning. Uncle Wayne didn't know who he was despite how often he had heard Eddie gush about him, but he would have wagered that that Ozzy guy would have been proud of Eddie in that moment.

Uncle Wayne grunted with the collision of Eddie's body slamming against his and wrapped an arm around his boy's shoulders to tug Eddie home. Home was where the heart was, and Uncle Wayne had followed the distress call from his own without any hesitation. When Eddie went in for a hug, he went for it, and Uncle Wayne always met him with the same amount of enthusiasm. No matter the day or mood, if his boy wanted a hug, he got one. For as long and as often as he wanted. One of the few things he could give his Eddie with no limits was affection. Just about everything else was tight in the Munson home, but not love. No, they had that in abundance.

Uncle Wayne ducked his head to press his nose into the very crown of Eddie's head, breathing him in. "Eddie."

The two stood there in a hug so familial and intimate that you couldn't keep looking. You averted your gaze and busied yourself with counting the hats which adorned the furthest wall of the trailer from the door. You got to thirty five and barely halfway through all of the shelves before Eddie sniffled and eased up his grip on Uncle Wayne, though he notably didn't let go. He relaxed, settled in, and Uncle Wayne adjusted his weight in accommodation.

"How long do we get you home before they want you back earning the big bucks?" Eddie's voice was muffled by the way his face was smushed into his dad's chest, ear pressed tight against where the heart echoed against its cage.

Uncle Wayne shrugged. "Gave me the rest of the shift so I s'pose you got me until tomorrow night."

It wasn't until Uncle Wayne saw you pick up his old blanket and wrap it around yourself in the ghost of a hug, absolutely not wanting to say anything to ruin or disturb the moment, that he remembered that you had been the one to make everyone realise that it had been too long, and still you hadn't had that hug you had so clearly wanted badly enough that it had made you cry. You had waited patiently for Uncle Wayne this entire time, and you were still waiting, not a word said, and it made his tried and tired heart ache with some kind of melancholy sweetness. He understood you better than anybody, even yourself sometimes, and many a time had he coached Eddie through something you had said or done, the younger Munson wanting to understand things from Uncle Wayne's perspective.

Just as he opened his mouth to speak, to encourage you, Eddie got there first.

"All right there, sweetheart?"

"Yeah, I was just..." Letting you have your moment. Didn't wanna get in the way.

Both of their chests moved in such a way which showed they were suppressing a sigh at the way you trailed off, stopped yourself from speaking, though their sighs weren't of annoyance. It was one which made you feel like they wanted to take such feelings away from you, so that you never again felt like you were annoying your loved ones just by being you. They had never asked who had hurt you this way, because they didn't need to know. Curiosity burned occasionally but all they needed to know was the Y/N you were right now, the one whose eyes were almost begging Uncle Wayne for a hug from across the trailer. And even though he had come home for you, you still felt like you weren't able to have what you wanted.

Which was such bullshit and you all knew it.

Especially when what you wanted was something as devastatingly simple as a hug from your boyfriend's Uncle.

The three of you were in some sort of standstill, with everyone looking at each other, watching, waiting, and though it was in reality only a few seconds after Eddie reluctantly let go of Uncle Wayne (he hated being the one to break off hugs but he hated it even more when someone let go of him before he was done), it somehow felt like forever while you built up the courage to cross the distance and give yourself what you had been wanting all day.

A hug from Uncle Wayne.

"Y/N."

Your name, spoken so seriously, caught your attention, and your eyes squinted a little as they refocused. You must have gotten lost in your own thoughts again, but Eddie pulled you out of them seamlessly as he gave you a look which said, it's okay. It's okay. Go get your hug. Paired with his sweet smile of understanding, you were gone and somehow, some way, you were in Uncle Wayne's arms. You didn't even register crossing the room, your body acting faster than your brain could process. It was instinctive, raw and immediate in its intensity, and all at once you were crying again. But not from sadness this time, from relief, relief.

Uncle Wayne grunted yet again and he chuckled under his breath. "What is it with you kids and throwin' yourselves at me?" He held you tight, squeezed you, and just like he did with Eddie, Uncle Wayne ducked down to rest his chin on the crown of your head; you had nuzzled into him just like Eddie and it was making the eldest Munson want to cry. And if you felt a little rain on your head, who were you to say anything to anyone? Emotions were expressed without shame or reservation in the Munson household, no matter what they were.

"Gone too damn long," The words spilled out of you like water left to flow from a tap, "Missed you so much. So much."

"Oh, sweetheart." Eddie's quiet murmur from behind you had you letting go of Uncle Wayne, reaching back to wiggle your fingers at Eddie. You felt him at your back and only then did you put your arm back around Uncle Wayne's waist, the material of his plaid shirt warmed by the heat of you. Eddie folded himself across your back and Uncle Wayne made a noise which sounded like a very wet huff. He didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or both. This was so out of left field, he had only been gone for a few days, and yet the love in the room may as well have been a fourth entity for the way everyone was keenly aware of it. The tenderness of Eddie's tone made you cry again and the Munson men were able to exchange a look across the top of your head, buckling down.

"M'here now, don't you worry." Uncle Wayne rubbed across your shoulders, the backs of his knuckles brushed against Eddie's DIO vest and it made Eddie press tighter into that slight touch.

Christ, it had been too damn long.

But it had only been a few days.

Still, with the wrong people or with the right people missing, even an hour could feel like forever. Eddie knew that well and so did Uncle Wayne. So did you.

With Eddie hugging your back and Uncle Wayne pressed to your front, you were surrounded by different scents and textures. The softness of Uncle Wayne's clothes, he smelled of the plant he worked at and had practically run home from, the coolness of the chains pressed against your back, the smoothness of the leather and the roughness of the denim, the stale cigarette smoke which came off him and Eddie only served to make you feel like they were merging into each other. Indeed, Eddie had become for you and for others what Uncle Wayne was for him, and it was beautiful. Eddie smelled of weed (or, more precisely, his jacket smelled of weed. He rarely, if ever, washed it. Eddie himself was incredibly clean and conscious of his hygiene), of beer, he smelled of your shampoo, and the scents of the two people you loved most in the world surrounded you and kept you warm in an embrace from which you never wanted to leave.

Who said you had to? The Munson weren't going anywhere, and neither were you.

eddie baby @eddiebunson @hersweetrevenge @sweetpeapod @sabbathsworld @hawkinsroyaloutcast @seidenbros @bakerstreethound @eddiemunsonshoney @potatos-library @gemstone-roses @hellfire1986baby @jslittlebirdie @comfortcharactercraze @heydreamchild @mywinterivy @corrodedcoffeen @m00nlight101 @3ddi3-daydreamer @pleasantlycrazyworld @samlealea @indouloureux

eddie & wayne @hellfirebabe @eddiemunsonshoney @potatos-library @bakerstreethound @gemstone-roses @sweetpeapod @authorlovers @jslittlebirdie @heydreamchild @comfortcharactercraze @mywinterivy @corrodedcoffeen @ourstaturestouchtheskies @m00nlight101 @3ddi3-daydreamer @pleasantlycrazyworld @samlealea @manyfandomsfanvergent @indouloureux

Fic specific tags @samunson83

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #wayne munson #eddie and wayne munson #the munsons #eddie munson x gn!reader #stranger things 4 #stranger things 4 x reader

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lionizingheathen · 1 year

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Love Me - L.L

Luna Lovegood x fem!Reader

First time sleeping with Luna Lovegood (this has been in my drafts for an ungodly amount of time, prepare for some draft purges over the next couple of days)

Warnings: Smut, cunnilingus, fingering, hickeys, nipple play

Smut under the cut

Nighttime was always peaceful with Luna, she had a routine. She'd paint for a couple of hours, take a shower, and then crawl into bed beside you, resting her head on your chest. You'd talk about everything, anything, and then fall asleep... tonight was shaping up to be no different. Her head was against your chest, her fingers tracing on your skin, and she'd been asking you about anything and everything, the books you were reading, work, personal opinons... she never ran out of questions, and you tried to keep from running out of answers.

"Can I ask you a question?" Luna asked, and you nodded. Of course she could, there had never been a point that you didn't want to hear what she was saying.

"Sure. Anything. You know that." You murmured, and Luna waited a moment, her fingers dancing over your skin, tracing little patterns and words that were only known to her. You quite liked when she did that, it made you feel like you were canvas, like she was turning you into art.

"How come we've never slept together? I want to, you know. I've wanted to for a really long time, actually." Luna said, and your eyes widened as you sat up, still careful to maintain a position where Luna could listen to your heartbeat... though you were sure it wasn't slow and steady now, it was probably racing, pounding in her ear. You laid back down carefully, swallowing on a dry throat.

"I don't know... I guess it never occured to me that you would want that, I assumed... it would be a part of our relationship that wouldn't be breached." You said carefully, and Luna lifted her head, giving you a confused look as she continued to trace her finger across your collarbone. You swallowed heavily, looking away from her eyes. So beautiful, and entirely too intense.

"Why?" She asked, and you sighed and shrugged. There was no reason for it, you were protecting her. She didn't need protection, and it wasn't as if you were going to hurt her, but you were just trying to be respectful, you felt it was something unspoken, the two of you would never do that... which wasn't fair. Deciding something without talking to her wasn't fair.

"Honestly, I don't know. I'm just scared that I'll lose you if we move too fast." You said, and Luna's face broke into a smile as she let out a laugh, shaking her head. Was she making fun of you right now? It was hard to tell, Luna didn't always communicate her emotions in a way that was easy to decipher, though she did often mean the words that came out of her mouth, so you decided to just wait and listen.

"We've been together for a year and a half. And friends for seven... I don't think we could move any slower if we tried, love. We'd be moving backwards, and life only goes forward." Luna said, and you nodded slowly. Was she asking to have sex with you? That was what it felt like, it felt like she wanted that dynamic to come into play... but it never hurt to clarify.

"So you're saying you want to sleep together." You clarified, and she nodded

"If that's something you'd like as well, yes. I want you." She said, simple as that. You let out a long breath and nodded, clenching your fingers in the duvet. Your heart had not slowed at all from it's pace.

"Yeah, I would." Luna grinned, sitting up to ease you back onto the bed.

"Wonderful. So lie down, and I'll-." You let out a bark of a laugh, surprised at her boldness. You thought she meant in the future, you weren't preparing for right now... there were steps, things you should do to make it special, to make her like it more.

"Right now?" You asked, and Luna blinked, giving you a look that showed that she was confused why you were so surprised. Her fingers wandered around on any bit of you they could reach.

"Is that a problem? I didn't mean to sound so eager, I've just wondered how it would feel to have you cum on my tongue for a while now." She explained, and your eyes widened as you laid back on the bed, feeling your cunt throb. You were used to her honesty, but she'd never been that forward about this topic... it was making you dizzy.

"Jesus Christ Luna... I mean, I haven't shaved in a while, and I'm not dressed-." Luna leaned back on top of you, her fingers wandering up your clothed leg, making your muscles jump as you cleared your throat, trying to stay focused on her eyes.

"You won't be wearing any clothing pretty soon, that doesn't matter... and neither does shaving, I don't care. I just want to feel you, to make you feel good." Luna said, pressing the heel of her hand between your thighs for a moment, rubbing it against your clit. You let out a gasp of a moan, gripping her wrist. "Do you want me to make you feel good?" She murmured, and you shivered, scooting a little away from her so you could look into her eyes. She had to be sure before this moved any further.

"Are you sure about this? Because I can wait, I'd wait for you-." Luna reached out, placing a hand on your cheek to silence you, a large grin on her face. She nodded, leaning down to press your foreheads together as she spoke.

"I'm sure. Just treat me how you would anyone else, I'm sure I can handle it." She said, and you sighed shakily, nodding. You'd already thought that you'd lose her before, you were sure that after the war you would never see her again... and even if that was four years ago, you didn't want anything else to separate the two of you.

"Okay. But if at any point you want to stop, just tell me-." She leaned in, kissing you softly to stop you from talking more. You sighed, relaxing into her touch, her kiss. You sat up a bit, wrapping your arm around her waist to pull her into your lap. Even through her pants, you could feel that she was warm... wet... you moaned softly into the kiss before she pulled away.

"I know." She kissed you again, firmer this time and with a bit more urgency, her hands moving from your cheeks to your shoulders, clenching in the fabric of your shirt. "Merlin, I love kissing you. Your lips are always so soft... and so sweet." Luna murmured, tracing her fingers over your lips as you closed your eyes, your mouth hanging slightly open. She giggled and leaned in, kissing you deeply once again. You clenched your fingers into the back of her sweater, feeling like you couldn't form a cohesive thought aside from her even if you tried.

"Yours too." You sighed when she finally released you. She had a look in her eyes, one you'd only seen a couple of times -at the beach, at clubs with friends, at parties- and you recognized it now. It was lust.

"Can I take this off of you?" She asked, tapping lightly on your shirt. You nodded, giving her a large smile.

"Yeah. Can I do the same?" You asked, and she nodded. Good. You were hoping she would.

"Of course." She made quick work of taking off your shirt and bra and helping you do the same before she stared at you, silent and contemplative before she sighed and shook her head. "God, you're always so beautiful..." She said, leaning in to lick and suck marks into your neck and collarbones and down your chest, making you shiver underneath her. You were going to be a tapestry of marks by the time she was done with you, you could feel it.

"Shit."

"You're so pretty... All mine." She bent her head down, taking your nipple into her mouth, swirling her tongue around it. You gasped raggedly, tugging lightly at her hair... The small sensation it was, it was still more than you'd dealt with before.

"Luna..." You gasped, and she chuckled, looking at you with warm eyes as her fingers pinched and pulled at your nipples, making you whimper as you felt your cunt throb. She was good at this.

"You're sensitive, huh? Have you been wanting this as much as I have?" Luna asked, and you nodded. Truly you had, you just hadn't wanted her feeling like she had to give you what you were craving.

"Yes." You responded, and Luna's brows furrowed, but her fingers didn't slow their movements over your skin, tracing and digging in every now and again, bringing your sensitivity higher and higher. You just wanted her to touch you.

"Why didn't you say anything?" She asked, and you swallowed, trying to keep your voice level as you spoke, even as she leaned in to kiss and suck up your neck again.

"Why... Why didn't you?" You asked, knowing your voice still came out in gasping remarks.

"Kept slipping my mind." She pulled back, grinning above you. "But my mind is very focused now, entirely on you." She said, and you swallowed heavily. God, you didn't know if you could handle Luna Lovegood's undivided attention, clearly it was a very powerful thing, if the canvases hanging all over your flat were anything to go off of... Luckily none of them were in here... some would talk, and that would ruin the mood. She was kissing back down your body, biting and sucking where she could, making your entire body feel hot.

"Luna..."

"I never knew you were so sensitive to my touch." Luna mused, sucking deep marks down your ribs, across your stomach, little ones in a line down to your waistband where she bit down, making you cry out. She wanted those ones to stay longer, that was clear... it was like she was marking her territory, making it clear that you were spoken for.

"You're leaving so many marks..." You said, and she lifted her head from your waistband, giving you a large smile as she traced around each one. They littered your stomach, your chest, the crests of your hips... She was thorough, that was for suer.

"Love bites... I think they're beautiful. It's like painting, I'm adding to an already beautiful piece." She commented, and you couldn't help the smile that spread across your face as your heart squeezed. She was always so sweet.

"You're so sweet." You said, and she nodded at you, pulling your pants and panties off in one swift movement before settling betwen your thighs, spreading them wide.

"Thank you." She traced around your cunt, making you jump before she bent down, sucking marks into your inner thighs. You cried out, leg kicking involuntarily at the stimulation, but she held you down just fine. "Let's see if you truly taste as good as you look, darling." She said, almost as if she was speaking to herself. You swallowed back a groan and shook your head.

"Merlin, you cannot talk like that..." You sighed, and Luna looked up at you, cocking an eyebrow as she continued to trace just around where you needed her, driving you up a wall. You'd beg if that's what she wanted out of you.

"I'm pretty sure that this is the exact situation where I can talk like this." Luna reasoned, and you thought for a moment. She had a point, this was the only time that it was really appropriate.

"You make a good point." Your voice shot up as you felt her fingers ghost over your cunt.

"You're so wet..." She rubbed over your clit before leaning down between your thighs, licking a slow stripe up it. Your head lolled back on the pillow as you gasped, mouth falling open. "Mmm... I can feel you trembling." She murmured before burying her face between your thighs, licking and sucking quickly, making you groan as you twisted your fingers into her hair. You panted as you stared up at the ceiling, feeling like your head was going to start spinning from the stimulation. God, Luna was good at giving head... maybe she'd done if before you two were dating, either way you didn't care, all you cared about was here and now, and the warm feeling spreading all over your body.

"Luna... Oh my God..." You gasped, glancing down to look at her. She was staring up at you, hair messy, hand snaking up to grasp at your breast as she continued her movements, tongue swirling around your clit in a way that made you tremble and clench your thighs, though she didn't seem to mind. Her free hand wandered around your inner thighs before pausing at your entrance. She lifted her face for a moment, panting with a smirk that was ungodly filthy. Her chin glistened in the light, making your face feel hot as you glanced away from her for a moment before she cleared her throat, bringing your attention back to her.

"Can I?" She asked, circling her fingers over your entrance as she looked at you expectantly. You nodded quickly, swallowing... You wanted anything and everything that Luna would give you, this all just felt right.

"Yes. Please." Luna slipped her finger inside of you, making you gasp as you felt it. She thrust it in and out, and you blushed at the wet noise that accompanied it. She leaned down, licking and kissing across your cunt before she spoke again.

"You're so wet..." She added another finger, and then another, making you gasp as you looked down at her. She curled her fingers, rubbing quickly over a spot deep inside of you that made you gasp and hang your head back, feeling heat shoot down to your toes."You take my fingers so easily, it feels like you were made for them." She murmured before leaning down again to lap at your clit. It was all so much, almost too much, it made you feel like you were on fire. Your stomach tightened as you gripped her hair, pulling her closer. Her pace increased, pulling moan and sigh out of your body with ease.

"Fuck..." You were on the edge, close... Shit... "Luna, holy shit... This feels... You're so..." You couldn't finish, you couldn't formulate a full sentence when she was doing this. She was reducing you to a pile of whimpers and moans, feelings and stimulations... and she did it with such ease.

"Are you getting close? Are you gonna cum for me?" She asked, and you nodded quickly, feeling the knot in your lower stomach tighten as she continued to curl her fingers just the right way.

"Yes." You gasped, and Luna grinned, resting her cheek against your thigh as her thrusts increased in pace, making your stomach feel white hot. Fuck, you were so close.

"Good. I was hoping you would." She lolled her head forward again, lazily sucking your clit between her lips, licking across it. That was what sent you over the edge, gasping as you shuddered out your orgasm.

"Fuck... Fuck, oh my god..." You clenched your fingers into her hair, scratched at her shoulders, arched off the bed... and she didn't stop, forcing you into another one before you pulled her feebily up, breathing heavily. She looked wild, eyes bright as she wiped her face on the corner of the duvet, grinning at you. "Luna..." You croaked, throwing an arm over your eyes for a moment as you worked to regain your bearings. She sat beside you, stroking through your hair and kissing at your temple, mumbling sweet words.

"That was amazing. I knew it would be, but knowing and seeing... they're so different." She murmured, and after another moment you sat up on your elbows and pulled on her wrist. You wanted her to feel even half as good as you just had.

"Come here. Let me return the favor, please." You said, and Luna nodded, sitting down across your hips so she could look down at you.

"How do you want-." You sat up, circling your arms around her hips so you could drag her up your body and position her over your face with a wide smile. Her eyes were wide when she looked down at you, clearly not expecting you to move that quickly. You knew what you wanted, though. You knew what she wanted too. "Me... I didn't know you were strong enough to do that." You shrugged. You were pretty sure that the prospect of having a beautiful woman on one's face would be enough to make most people move mountains.

"You're easily movable." You pulled her down onto your face by her hips and licked a long stripe up her cunt, making her gasp as she jutted her hips forward, grinding them across your tongue. Your fingers dug hard into her hips as you sucked her clit between your lips, running your tongue over it. You moaned at the taste of her, making her gasp above you. You glanced up to see her grasping the headboard hard, chewing on her lip... she looked so cute.

"Merlin... Shit..." She groaned, canting her hips faster over your tongue as she moaned breathlessly, getting more frantic by the minute. She wasn't going to last very long, that was clear from her movements... and that only excited you further. "I... God, we should've... done this sooner. So good." She sighed. You grunted in agreement, looping your arms around her thighs to pull her more onto your face, sighing against her cunt. You could do this all day, you would quite literally die between her thighs if she would let you. She was mumbling sweet nothings, moving with your tongue as she trembled slightly, shivering. So sensitive.

"Hah... So talented... My girl..." Luna gasped, leaning back a bit to rest her hands on your body, blindly tracing on the skin.

"All yours, baby." You murmured against her, licking and sucking wherever you could reach. It wasn't long before she began to unravel, her moans getting louder, higher, betraying how close she really was. God, this was heaven... being under Luna Lovegood had to be heaven.

"Ohmygod... Fuck... Y/N, I'm gonna cum... I'm..." She froze up for a moment, her head thrown back and her hands resting back on your hips before she let out a high moan and pitched forward, shivering above you. "Ah, fuck I'm cumming... all for you... it's all for you..." She gasped, grinding her hips frantically on your face as she gripped the headboard, her head falling forward. Her mouth was agape, her brows furrowed as her thighs trembled around your head. She slumped forward a moment later, breathing heavily as she hovered above you. She'd looked so ethereal... and you were intent on seeing it again as you looped your arms around her thighs, sucking her clit between your lips again as she gasped, wriggling out of your grip.

"Okay, okay... Merlin... Shit... Holy fuck." She slid off of your face, sitting to the side of you with her eyes closed for a moment, catching her breath. The moonlight glinted off of her body, making a slight halo out of her messy, frizzy hair. The flush on her cheeks and relaxed features of her face made her look like art, like a statue you could view in a museum. A moment later, her eyes were open and she was speaking again. "You are... so good with your tongue, love." She sighed, leaning forward to kiss you deeply. You rested your hands on her hips, pulling her against you again. She was warm... comfortable.

"Such language, Lovegood." You said, and she chuckled, giving you a lazy smile before pressing a kiss to the tip of your nose.

"Mmm... It's earned." Luna responded, pausing as she stared at you, brushing hair from your face with such an amount of care and concentration that it made your heart ache.

"What?" You asked, your voice barely above a whisper. She chuckled, shaking her head at you.

"You're so beautiful in the moonlight." Luna said, and you grinned, kissing across her fingertips as you looked in her eyes. She was just so beautiful it made your heart ache.

"Was that good?" You asked, and she nodded quickly, resting her free arm on your chest and her head in the crook of your neck, pressing soft and lazy kisses there.

"That was fantastic. I'm kicking myself for letting us wait so long." Luna mumbled, tracing her fingers over your sternum as she spoke, making you shiver. You wanted her again, wanted to see her cum, to listen to her whines and moans... This was shaping up to be a favorite passtime.

"Yeah. Me too." You sighed, leaning down to kiss her deeply again, pushing her gently onto her back so you could kiss down her stomach and settle between her thighs again. Something that beautiful could not only be seen once in a night, you'd have to see it at least three or four more times to truly commit it to memory.

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canpandaspvp · 4 months

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KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE SBI FIC THING IM REALLY INTERESTED!! I've always wanted to study that side of the fandom under a microscope but it's scary.

buddy that place is WILDDDD. ok so things you need to know abt sbi side

1. they're damn good writers

2. i don't think they know how to write fanfiction

3. in another universe they create some very well known, published authors

because essentially everything they write is so fucking detached the second it enters an au. with dnf and the general dt side of things, there are differences. sure often times it's a bit more identifiable as fanfiction but that's not a BAD thing. it literally just means people know how to write fanfiction which is what they were intending to do anyways so like hooray

with sbi, i've read SEVERAL (as in i can go into my bookmarks right now and count out at least 10) fics that have just changed and deviated so far from the original source material that it's hard to even understand what they're talking about. in that regard, 100% dnfers get caught out before sbiers, but that's only in the circumstance that they get published at all. sbiers are really creative -- TOO creative, obviously to the point of creation ocs with names and descriptions that often times only vaguely resemble phil, tommy, wilbur, and techno -- which gives them the upper hand publication wise.

that leads into dark sbi which, let it be known, i have NEVER EVER liked. i personally thought it was harsh and unenjoyable but also goddamn did they make some good stories. obviously i read them bc even though i hated the vampires and the kidnapping and shit, it was good. the upper hand of writing fanfiction is that shit is more fast paced and attention grabbing, due to the lack of exposition and shit. so sbiers likely get published first, get discovered on booktube (not booktok cause they only read romance that's packed with tropes to the point of dysfunction), and they at least semi-spread from there until someone is who can't handle any difficult topics in fiction gets upset. but that's a different kind of controversy entirely

sbiers are good authors but they're stuck in this weird limbo of "it's not fanfiction it's just inspired original content" which sort of creates a new genre entirely. they pull some good fanfiction elements into its own realm entirely and it's really frustrating when you want to read fanfiction of something but if you're looking for something fast paced and good to read that aligns with the weird fanon universe they've created, they're your subfandom.

a lot of fics also appeal to personal issues that people are able to project onto easily (i speak from experience) so, while dnf is typically shorter, more accurate, and lighthearted, sbi has dynamics that people often crave in their real life and more people that they can insert themselves into. um that sounds weird but ykwim

they also have The AU's which dnf has but it's just not to the extent that sbi has it. the trifecta:

1. superhero aus

2. royalty aus

3. foster care aus

ran that tag for a good 2 years minimum. those are the sort of Peter Parker Goes On A Field Trip To Stark Industries type of aus where you have a good baseline that people get attached to, so you can sort of rewrite the same story different enough that people feel like they're reading smth new each time. and it works!! if people were to publish an sbi fic (which would likely fall into one of those 3 categories), it'd be realllyyyyyy recognizable just bc it was such a staple in the community. ifl im missing some other big categories but those are just the aus that i remembered off the top of my head that showed up a fuckton

don't get me wrong, i ❤️ dnf fanfiction and you def could publish it if you tried hard enough, but those authors do shit right. the characterization is so niche and specific, the dynamics are so unique, and often times, there just isn't enough in one fic to build and create a story. so much of dnf fanfiction relies on the fact that you already know those two, you know who they are, how they behave, their stakes regarding each other, etc etc. with sbi, the authors end up essentially writing their own stories so much so that they have to tell the story like it's a novel rather than fanfiction. it's very interesting imo esp bc fanon tommy for example is so extremely, incomprehensibly different from c!tommy or cc!tommy, with only enough hits of similarity to keep you hooked into the story with the illusion that you're actually reading the same character, when more often then not, it's like 1/4 tommy, 1/4 fandom misinterpretation interpretation, 1/4 author projection, and 1/4 recycled oc. again, speaking from experience.

also, sbi authors are pretty cocky about their writing, and it's really noticeable when they write a fic with the intention of changing the names and couple minor details to submit to an editing company for a few rounds of revision before they publish their nyt bestseller a few years down the line. they didn't need to leave the fandom to abandon their shit. lorehead analysts have a decent grasp of their content (but i'm biased), but lorehead writers?? different monster entirely. the second dsmp stands for something like "delicious small mtown pforsuperherovillanvigilanteshenanigans" then you know they're too far gone. they're attached to THEIR characters, not the dsmp's; if it means sacrificing the original source material for real life recognition, they'd do it in a heartbeat. i don't blame them but the point still stands.

this is all over the place i'm so sorry idek if i said anything you wanted to know but

tl;dr sbi fanfiction sort of became its own medium between fanfiction and original work so they're more likely to get published, but they fall into the same dynamics in the same type of universes that would easily get them figured out. dnf writers just seem to mind their damn business more. anyway, most dnf writers that left the fandom seem to want to completely forget that they ever did That. usually they just orphan/delete and move on cause they're embarrassed.

sorry again i'm so not good at explaining my thoughts but i did NOT spend 2 1/2 years reading sbi fanfiction 24/7 for nothing. i need to put my experience to use somehow so thanks for letting me do that 😭😭😭

#at least i'm not gonna do another separate essay rant in the notes like i usually do #💀#🍓.ask

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copperbadge · 1 year

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Hi Sam, I finally bought and read Six H. and it has brought me so much joy! It was one of those stories that I tried to pace myself reading because I knew I would miss it when I was done (and I do!). Now, if it isn't too cheeky to ask the author of all people, I wanted to ask if you could think of any 'read alikes'? I was reminded in the best way of Ocean at the End of the Lane, which is one of my favorites! Eery but not scary, magic that does not need to be explained...? But mostly: THANK YOU!!

I'm so glad you enjoyed Six Harvests! As much as I've been enjoying the hell out of writing the Shivadh novels, Six Harvests is probably the book I'm most proud of -- I think it really was a kind of "master piece" in the traditional sense of demonstrating mastery of a craft. At least, in relation to my own work; I don't think I'm like, Master Of All Writing, but I feel that I've developed a mastery relative to where I began that I'm very proud of.

As for read-alikes...hm, that's a difficult one actually. I don't know if it qualifies as "not scary" but the aesthetic of Six Harvests was absolutely informed by Carnivale, the television show -- not for the faint of heart but extremely enjoyable if you like your historical drama with a heavy side of the supernatural (it is quite violent and some aspects haven’t aged wonderfully, but it’s still a great watch). Also if you haven't read my book Nameless, it's very much in the same vein as Six Harvests. And kind of fun to compare the two I think, because Nameless was the first novel I wrote and aside from the romances, Six Harvests is my latest.

I think if you enjoyed the "magic that doesn't need explanation" and eerie without scary, I would look around in general at magical realism. It often gets confused with urban fantasy, but magical realism’s essence is that there are magical or surrealistic aspects to the story that aren’t systemically explained, and generally advance the reader’s understanding of the story without always directly impacting the plot. I love magical realism as a genre and there's so much good writing in it, plus it was originated by latine writers so the majority of it is by nonwhite, often non-American authors so it's very horizon-broadening for a lot of readers.

I raided my old book reading log for some magical realism, so I did come up with some authors and titles! Julio Cortázar's short stories are fantastic and I really enjoyed Blow Up and Other Stories. A very famous one is Like Water For Chocolate by Laura Esquivel, and Chocolat by Joanne Harris is a fun book and a GREAT movie. I don't recall much about them but I recall very much enjoying The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón and Isabel Allende's The House Of The Spirits. G Willow Wilson's Alif The Unseen is very very intense, but also extremely compelling and "readable", like it's a big book but it reads fast. Gabriel Garcia Marquez is most well known for 100 Years of Solitude but I haven't read that one; I did very much like his Strange Pilgrims.

Hopefully amongst those will be many things you enjoy! Readers, feel free to chime in with your own recommendations either for magical realism or for comps to Six Harvests in comments or reblogs. Good luck and happy reading! :)

#book reccs

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shesthespinstersimmer · 7 months

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Catching up with #weird & wonderful

lo & princess + sugar - hope their activities don't complicate things. she says it's closure, but does she mean it? sugar really called her on it. princess claims they're grown, but she's not acting like she's learned any lessons.

I've been wanting to ask how "tlalli" is pronounced. is it like the "tl" at the end of axolotl and quetzalcoatl which kind of sounds like there's a "u" between them or like the "tl" in the middle of tenochtitlán which sounds more like the "t" and "l" are fused together? I was thinking it was the latter pronunciation because it's also followed by a vowel sound, but I figured it be better to ask to be certain.

ortega - I thought this before but they seemed so bitter about something and it couldn't have just been that myra refused their help or called them out on their fraternizing. but come to find out! okaaaaaay? I can't see anything but things getting messy. also, that last shot, was that just a shot or was someone watching…? I guess we'll see…

tito & lydia - I still think they fell into it too quickly, but I have to respect tito for recognizing an opportunity to advance his position when it comes and I have to respect lydia for having the will to move on with life even when she still feels shackled. since her not having a whole lot of me-time between sauce and tito is still a concern for me, it makes me happy to see that tito is helping her focus on what she wants and giving her opportunities to voice those things. also, "yes, my love" and "yes, mi esposa/my wife" AHHHHH!

isamar - "he prefers to breed children. all over the worlds." she's so real for that! I was approaching a coughing fit!

carmen - I love the way he just laid it out. I don't think it called for any kind of delicacy, like, being plain-spoken about it is part of the positive outlook.

es & lupe - Yay! love their reunion. I feel like you can tell lupe comes from a family that's open about what's going on with them, but that it was something they had to work on across generations and now that deliberate effort is bearing fruit across those generations as well. es and lupe's communication is very straightforward, but not in a been their done that kind of way. it's more like they don't want to waste time hemming and hawing knowing fully well how quickly things in life can change.

judith + arlo - really delivering on that long-time friend vibe

it was such a treat to get caught up. there are so many threads in the story, but your pacing is such that I can see the fabric being woven carefully and I don't think there's a stray thread to be found. it's always disappointing when I come across a story with a good premise and engaging cast, but it's hard to follow or make the connections. pleased to be able to say I don't have that issue here.

You're on a roll today, friend! Let's get into it!

lo & princess + sugar - Princess likes to act like she doesn't have feelings; that's why she asked Sugar to hold her accountable. Problem is, Lo likes to play that game too, which is precisely why they shouldn't be together. I think Princess is in over her head.

Tlalli: You second guess was right - the "tl" sounds more like the "t" and "l" are fused together? (So glad you asked - I'd considered writing in phonetically, but I wasn't sure 😊)

As for Det. Ortega? You'll be learning a bit more about her and Myra soon, but I will say this - the detective needs to slow her roll. She knows all about Fernanda and has known for a long time. But she's confusing sex that came out of loneliness and Myra's misguided attempt to keep someone she thought was innocent safe.

Tito & Lydia - I remember you thinking they fell into things too quickly, but I'm still conflicted. They loved each other for years, so I suppose to them it's more of a continuation than jumping into a relationship too fast. For them, they're just coming home. 😭😭But I do agree - it's always best to take time to yourself to heal before you start something else. I think they both feel like they've already lost so much time...

Also, "yes, my love" and "yes, mi esposa/my wife" AHHHHH! 🖤💖🖤

Isamar - "he prefers to breed children. all over the worlds." she's so real for that! I was approaching a coughing fit! 😂(I feel her pain)

Carmen - Carmen will always keep it real, that's for sure lmao

Es & Lupe - Interestingly enough, Lupe learned the most about communication from her tia Conne; as her mother Fernanda is incredibly closed off.

Happily, Es and Lupe's are intensely open with each other - I think it's part of their love language; feeling that sharing their thoughts and feelings bring them closer together.

This part: " it's more like they don't want to waste time hemming and hawing knowing fully well how quickly things in life can change." Very well put!

Judith + Arlo - I'm sooo glad they have each other 🖤

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read my stories - as a writer, it's hard to know how your stuff will be received. I like to fan out and explore how events affect all my characters - and how I don't lose anyone in the process. So it makes me to happy to see someone enjoying the journey! 🖤🤘🏾

#weird & wonderful #asks #writing & character building

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leothil · 9 months

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Hi Frida, amazing job on finishing the 10k!! Can I ask, have you been running for a long time? Do you have tips on how to like… start and staying consistent? I wanna try running, but I deal with a bit of chronic pain on top of being in absolute rubbish shape. I cant afford the gym so I thought walks and runs would be best but I struggle even getting out the door. How do you do it? 🙃

Thank you so much! <3 I've been doing it on and off since my mid or late teens, mostly in the summer. My dad has been going on runs for as long as I can remember, and a lot of my cousins picked it up around the same time I did as the easiest way to work out at our summer place, so I kind of fell into it that way. But I've come to quite like it! Before this summer I'd not been running regularly for quite a while, and I'm still not back to the pace I could achieve 5-7 years ago, but I'm sure I can get there.

I'll put my answer under a read more to spare the dash!

I feel the struggle of getting out the door! Getting started and trying to get into a routine is so, so hard. I honestly think the thing that has helped me the most is that my dad has kept encouraging me. I live very close to my parents, so most weekends he asks if I want to join them for a run, and when I was following a schedule this summer (more on that soon) he helped keep me accountable. Having someone join you can make it more fun, since you'll have someone to talk to, but just having someone in your life who can gently encourage you in a way that won't make you push back or feel bad about yourself can be a godsend. My dad could run so much faster if he wanted to, but he says it's nice to keep my pace too, because it gives him a different kind of training.

And that leads us into point two: you don't need to go fast when you start out. Hell, you don't need to go fast even after doing it for months or years. While you run, you should still be able to talk. I heard someone use the rule of thumb that a good pace is when you can finish a sentence without having to take extra breaths more than once. It can feel very silly, but it's very beneficial to keep a pace you can sustain for longer. In the race last night, I started out quite slow and was among the last in my starting group, but as it went on, I passed several people who'd gone too fast in the beginning and now were so winded that they had to walk the rest of the way, while I could keep my calm pace the whole race (except some hills that I had to walk up to spare my poor heart).

Having a sports watch that monitors my heart rate has also been incredibly helpful. I have a very high pulse whenever I work out, for whatever reason, and being able to check my watch regularly to see where it's at helps me keep my pace at a manageable level while running. It's easy to get carried away e.g. in downhill slopes or when you hit a good part of a trail, and this is a very easy way to catch when I'm speeding up before it hits my breath. If it's not in your budget, monitoring your breathing can help in the same way, following the "you need to be able to talk" rule I mentioned above.

What got me started with running again this summer was my sister asking me to join her on a 10k race, so having a goal can definitely help with the motivation. It can be time sensitive (like mine was) or just "I want to be able to run x kilometers without stopping." What I did was I found a 10k training program that looked promising and then followed that schedule for a couple of months. There are a lot of free programs available on the internet; couch to 5k is a well known one that I've seen several people try. And if all of them seem like too many days of working out a week, don't be afraid to keep the general structure but put in more rest days as needed. I wouldn't be able to follow the same 10k program right now, for example, as all of my hobbies have started up again and thus keep some evenings too busy to have time for a run as well, but I'm trying to keep the general idea of "one long run, one shorter run, two days of non-running activity and one very slow run a week." I don't hit all of those things every week - this week I did one day of non-running activity, one shorter run and one long run - but it's something I can aim for. For a while in the mid-2010's I used the app Zombies, Run! to keep me motivated, as it gave me little story snippets as I progressed on that day's run (it's apparently called ZRX now? Wild). In that app you can choose either time or distance as your goal for the day, and it will split up the story snippets accordingly. Now when I go on runs alone I listen to either a podcast or music, depending on the mood.

Man, that's a lot of text, but the main points are a) it's okay to go slow in fact you should aim for it when starting out, b) having someone to talk to or something to listen to while you do it can help a lot, and c) a schedule helps keep you accountable. While I followed the program this summer I had a screenshot of it as a shortcut on my phone's home screen so I had to see it every time I unlocked the phone, and every time I completed a workout/run I edited the screenshot to cross over that day on the schedule, which was incredibly satisfying.

Please come back if you have more questions or want me to elaborate on something! Getting started is the hardest part, but allowing yourself to suck in the beginning is very freeing and lowers the threshold!

#ask frida #running #anon

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Tw domestic abuse, sexual assault, suicide, self harm and eating disorder mentions (those last two not in detail, just mentioned)

Nickname: turquoise

Looking for advice, either on how to get out or just come to terms with this being the rest of my life, either way.

So I have a situation kind of similar to this ask posted just now.

https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/712807834009665536/tw-romantic-partner-violence-hey-so-ive-known

I've been with my wife for seven years now. A lot of her issues come from childhood trauma, but it's just...been wearing me down lately. Nearly from the start there were emotional issues between us, and physical violence and one sexual assault within the first six months (she said I agreed to let her do stuff while I was asleep but I don't remember that, and either way she didn't stop when I asked her to). I'm honestly not sure why I stayed but that's neither here nor there. Maybe I kept thinking it would get better but it didn't and at a lot of points I was genuinely scared for my safety, especially since the one time I did try to leave she found me in under a day and the friend I'd run away to decided I should go back home with her since, in her words 'well, you are kind of a bitch'. Anyway, there would be times when things got better but they'd always get bad again. We're in one of the better periods, though recently there's still been a lot of emotional stuff, some minor physical stuff (only small bruises and no lingering pain) and two sexual assaults last week. Still, things have definitely tapered off from a couple years ago, and she has been putting in more effort to be nicer, so if nothing else it's been a while since I've been balled up on the floor trying to be a small target so that's something. Still, as much as I should be happy about that I just...honestly I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I can't seem to stop being on edge no matter what happens, even though she gets mad at me whenever she notices that.

Also over the past two years she's developed significant anxiety, to the point where even after being on meds and in therapy for over a year she says she can't work.. We have no income now and I have a lot of my own mental difficulties that have made jobs difficult for me for most of my life (not self dxing, but likely autism and ADHD and a PD that have never been treated, along with a lot of past trauma from her and people before her, that's she's sometimes triggered on purpose or been dismissive of, though she is trying to stop that), but more difficult since I met her, especially since I've spent the past year at least in one of the worst depressive episodes I've had in my life, with my self harm and eating disorder getting worse again (both of which she knows about and does not respond well to at all), to the point that I'm pretty much always passively suicidal and have attempted a few times. At the very least I'm out of the bout of drinking I dealt with for a few months. I'm not outlining this to make anyone feel bad for me, just to point out that a full time work week, especially in the kinds of fast paced, people centric jobs I could reasonably get, would be very difficult for me to handle at this point. I've asked her if we could both work part time, since I thought a few days a week for each of us would be easier to handle, and at first she said yes but now she's flat out refusing, saying that since she supported us for a while she deserves a long break too, completely glossing over how often she hit me during that time and how generally shit she made me feel every day, or the fact that the abuse didn't stop when I went back to work, or that the circumstances that led to it being best for only her to work in that time were out of our control.

Basically, I want to leave. Ideally I'd just leave her, but she says she can't survive without my support, and that she'll kill herself if I actually go. I don't know if that's true or not but I don't want to find out the hard way, but I also know I can't handle both working full time and taking care of her full time (she refuses to do anything at home or to manage and organize our lives either, sometimes to the point of yanking me out of bed after only a few hours of sleep to make her food even though she is able to cook, arguably better than me).

Im basically never happy, and I want to leave but I can't, not with the way she is mentally now, not with what she might do, especially since the only person I know she could go to is her mother, who wouldn't be accepting of her being trans which isn't something I want to put her through. I've been thinking of asking a friend or relative of mine (what few I have left after she isolated me for so long, since I can't drive and for years she's been in charge of if I leave the house or not, which she rarely lets me do), to let me stay with them during the work week, since it would be easier to find and keep a job that way. I'd have limited contact with my wife, only seeing her on the weekends and preferably not talking much during the week, but still with me supporting both of us.

I don't know if she'd go for this, or even how to ask, but I know I can't handle dealing with both work and her and my own issues at the same time. I've tried to say this a bit and she's said I'm just being whiny and lazy, so I just don't know what to do or how to fully broach the subject, but I'm just so scared for the future between us in general.

I'm sorry this was a long post my thoughts are just not organized sometimes. Thank you for everything you do.

Amendment from turquoise. Abuse mention.

I just really wanted to clarify that I don't want anything I said about my wife to be attributed to the fact that she's trans. I don't think any of the mods of this blog would do that, but I just worry that others would, or that it came across as me saying her abuse and her gender are somehow connected but I swear I don't think they are and if anything came across that way I never meant for it to. I know most trans people don't hurt others (not to mention I'm trans myself but that just didn't seem relevant, still not sure if it is here)

Basically I just hope I didn't paint an entire group in a bad light and I really didn't mean to if I did sorry I was just worried about that.

Hi turquoise,

I'm so sorry about what's been going on. Also, I wouldn't worry about potentially coming off as transphobic, I don't get that vibe at all and I see what you mean to say quite clearly.

Just because the abuse has been tapering off doesn't mean you should tolerate it. Being assaulted violates your boundaries, and it's important to respect and assert them. Just because it's tapering off doesn't mean you're supposed to be happy in this relationship. It makes absolute sense why you still feel like shit. You're on edge because you may have developed trauma responses and you're around someone who your brain has been conditioned to perceive as a threat.

Emotional availability is essential for the longevity of a relationship. For your partner to not be there for you or respond well to depressive episodes or even suicidal thoughts is definitely a problem. I feel like if she truly cared about you she would make a better effort to be there for you, especially when you're contemplating suicide.

It sounds like your partner is refusing to share the responsibility of any productive or reproductive labor, which puts unnecessary stress on you. Just because she's been working doesn't mean you have to do everything. Most people just continue working without breaks, you know? So how is it fair for her to refuse to work when that means no income? It would make more sense if she was overwhelmed with burdens, but she really has pushed virtually every responsibility of hers onto you and is expecting you to be absolutely fine with that.

It seems like you've tried communicating with her but she's given you a hard time. If it is safe to do so, it may be helpful to simply assert a boundary such as "I feel x when you do y. If you continue to treat me this way, this isn't going to work." Just letting her know where things stand may be helpful in terms of communication, but if this would be unsafe to do, then it may be best to simply leave without warning.

Like I said in the other ask, if she is going to choose to mistreat you then it is your right to leave if necessary. It's a hard decision though of course, because you don't want her to go back to her abusers, but really, that's not your problem. If you need to leave then you need to leave, where she goes is not really for you to worry about. It's important to assert your boundaries and put your foot down when you've had enough, even if it doesn't benefit everyone.

Abusers often block the exit in various ways, and that can include threatening suicide. Please know that it is manipulative for someone to blame suicide or self harm on someone else. It is your right to leave when you want or need to. Your partner's actions are her responsibility alone. Breaking up does not hold you liable to what your partner chooses to do as a result.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw sa #tw r #tw emotional abuse #tw self harm #tw sui #turquoise #trauma details

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thegrapeandthefig · 2 years

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Hello there! I sincerely hope that you are having a wonderful day! I've recently found your blog after getting into Hellenic Polytheism and I'd like to thank you for the work that you do, as your posts have been very informative and helpful. Other than that, I was hoping to ask some questions as a "baby hellenic" worshipper of Dionysus — if you're still accepting asks about him at this time, that is. If not, that's totally alright! In the case that you are accepting asks, then please forgive me for what I think will be a lengthy passage.

I'm a minor who was raised in a primarily Muslim household, and my interest in Dionysus came into being at around the year 2020, when we were learning about Minoan Crete through online classes. At the time, I had only known him as "joyous Bacchus" or the drunk party god, so I was amazed to see that according to some myths, he had married Princess Ariadne of Crete, who is famously known for being abandoned on the island of Naxos by her lover, Prince Theseus of Athens. One could say that Dionysus immediately received my respect after hearing of this, but was quickly forgotten as my mental health declined alongside my academic prowess. Fast forward to the year 2021, I had rediscovered the myth (one could say that they're my mythology otp) and in the process, found out about Dionysus' dual nature, which I could not comprehend until much later, when I was recovering from a state of nihilism and suicidal ideation — only to discover Nietzsche's Dionysian philosophy and the inputs of Sir Walter F. Otto. As a sheltered child who had just gone through her first mental breakdown, it was exactly what I needed and I like to think that Dionysus Eleuthereus liberated me from my constraints, so I am doing much better nowadays — which is why I had very recently decided to become a closeted worshipper through offering prayers and devotional acts.

I do, however, acknowledge that he is a very complex god who could be potentially dangerous, and as much as I revere him and wish to get to know him more, I don't think I'm mentally prepared or even have the time to try and practice divination. Could I still worship him despite this "roadblock?" I genuinely want him to be a part of my life as he is the one to whom I mainly offer the credit when my healing is concerned. If I can, then would you happen to have any tips for fostering a relationship with him in this manner? Do the Theoi send signs in this case? How do they communicate and how could one respond? And finally, should I ever decide to partake in divination, where's a good place to start? Thank you so much if you decide to answer my queries and may the gods bless you abundantly! 💜

Hi! Thank you for the kind words, I’m glad you found the content of this blog useful. And apologies for making you wait several days for an answer, I’m still a in a time crush so forgive any hastiness in tone, I just don’t want to keep this in my inbox for too long.

I’ll answer your questions in thematic groups, for clarity:

Could I still worship him despite this "roadblock?" If I can, then would you happen to have any tips for fostering a relationship with him in this manner?

Yes. You don’t have to (nor would I recommend it anyway) jump in head first and devote your entire life to him right off the bat. It is absolutely good to just start small, with worship that relates to your needs. If you feel that the epithet Eleuthereus is one that you already feel pulled towards, then nothing stops you from continuing on focusing on this one and just grow from the place where you have already started. Continue giving offerings, continue building kharis with him, and let things evolve at their own pace, without forcing speedy progress. Speed won’t serve you in this endeavour. Eleuthereus is also particularly linked to the world of theater and the stage, so can also be something to explore for you.

Do the Theoi send signs in this case? How do they communicate and how could one respond? Should I ever decide to partake in divination, where's a good place to start?

They might, but as with anything, I cannot predict what will happen for you. Going in without any type of divination does complicate things, but you can always either rely on gut feeling or seek out friends who could divine for you. In term of responding, it very much depends on the matter at hand. But often, responding will be doing: giving something in particular, researching something etc.

As for starting with divination, my main advice would be to choose a system and stick to it for a time. I don’t think it’s a good idea to start learning too many different methods at once. It’s a craft that takes time and practice (for interpretation, I mean). When exploring, I do like to advise “simpler” forms like bibliomancy, shufflemancy and online tools like the Homeromanteion or @verdantlyviolet’s Sapphomanteia system which can be done online too. Other people like shufflemancy, which is music-based, for example. These seem like “low-effort” methods, but they are, in my opinion, good ways to get used to interpretation before stepping into more complex methods like tarot, geomancy, etc.

I hope this helps. Truly, my advice comes down to just taking it slow and building your worship at your own pace and with the focuses that are relevant to your situation.

#asks #anonymous

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bg-sparrow · 1 year

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for the fanfic writer ask - 6, 21, 28, 33, 44! :)

Yay, @daryfromthefuture gave me some more Fanfic Writer Asks! I have something to do before making a bill calendar today! Thank you!! 😁

6. If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

Mm, I'll stick to my AO3 account for this (because there are numerous at FFNet lol). I'm so proud of everything I've written because it was a necessary stepping stone to where I am today, but if there's one I'd delete off AO3 right now, it'd probably be Survival is Insufficient. The idea was really off-the-cuff and unplanned, and I think I could do better by reworking it into something different or larger in scale.

21. Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Construction-wise, I really like Dan Brown (of the Robert Langdon series). I know he's divisive, but I love his utilization of short chapters to keep things fast-paced, and he's good at ending a chapter on a cliffhanger that makes me have to read the next chapter. I love that I don't find myself wondering, "when will this chapter end??" because of those two things. Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio are two screenwriters that I adore. I love their storytelling, and I didn't even realize they were responsible for some of my favorite films until ten years ago — Aladdin, Pirates of the Caribbean, National Treasure. I listened to their writers' commentary on the first Pirates movie right when I was getting serious about writing as a teenager, and their word became gospel (or, at least, guidelines 😉). And if Vince Gilligan and Taika Waititi could just SHARE some of their secrets with me, that'd be great.

28. What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fanfiction?

It is thankless. It is SO thankless. I still struggle to remember that sometimes. Not everyone who reads is going to comment or kudos or bookmark, even if they're your biggest fan. You'll never know, and you just have to do it for yourself. Maybe you DO write something that takes your fandom by storm, and that's awesome! Stay humble. Let your work speak for itself. Don't say you suck at summaries, don't beg for reviews, don't say you won't update until you get X number of reviews… let your work be what compels readers to comment, kudos, and bookmark, not your panhandling and need for big stats. It doesn't work that way. If you're not enjoying it, you're doing it wrong.

33. What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

When you write for a well-loved, small, protected fandom like Back to the Future and introduce an OC, you're rocking the boat. And I knew I was, but I wanted to try it and see how successfully I could pull it off. To my surprise, the ultimate compliment has been given to me by many: my OC blended seamlessly into canon, stood on her own, and actually added to the story. "I forgot she wasn't in the films" was probably the biggest compliment I've ever received. That was the "I did it, and I've got to keep living up to the expectations" moment.

44. What is the last line you wrote?

The last line I wrote would have been in my notebook last night while making notes for Once Upon a Time in the East. And it was: "You should have stayed dead."

Thanks so much for indulging me! I had lots of fun answering these, so feel free to drop more numbers in my inbox if the mood strikes! 😎

#fanfic writer ask #answered asks #ask game

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thenotebookwizard · 4 months

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Messengers of Illbeor

Fellow fantasy fanatics, I beseech thee!

No, really. Go read this book. I've linked it. Up on Amazon. On KU, for those of you who use it, but only about three bucks otherwise. Full disclosure, my friend wrote it. I edited it. Because honesty is the best policy.

But this is Ye Olde Hellsite, and what's a bit of shilling for your friends between mutuals (and anyone else I can get to read this book.)

Because really, y'all, I want everyone who loves fantasy, thinks they might like fantasy, or who hasn't liked fantasy in the past to go read this book.

I have known the writer a long time. She's an amazing lady, a great friend, and she has good ideas. (Those are easy to come by, but she gets more than most of us.)

You can't say any fantasy world is really 'unique,' because the elements that make fantasy into fantasy are pretty standard, right? Right! But TJ has put her own spin on this, and it's fun - it's about as unique as a western fantasy world gets, and in all the right ways. Her world is very synergistic, very lively, and full of different cultures and attitudes and ways of looking at the world. While 'culture clash' isn't probably a theme she's told me about (maybe she did? this has been years in the making), it's there. The worldbuilding is top notch, and the world is full and rich - something a lot of debut fantasy writers don't hit on.

Most of all, I love the characters. We follow two, for the most part - Alanda and Tostig - both messengers, helping keep Illbeor connected and communicating. Alanda is one of the best representations of a character with a disability I've read in a long time. As an albino, she burns easy, but works an outdoors job. The plot starts because she has to deal with being albino, and it never gets ignored or set to the side. But seeing how she overcomes it, how people help her - and how it doesn't stop her from being a strong person without it being disability porn.

Tostig's adventure is very much standard fantasy, but well-written and well-crafted. He's a great character who has to deal with an immense amount in a short time, and his voice is strong, clear, and shows a very masculine character written without being an asshole or a moron.

The plot is focused. Laser focused - the pace moves fast, and takes you on a tour of a corner of Illbeor. Beautiful places, scary places, desolate places, romantic places; it's all there. But that focused plot that carries our characters doesn't keep us from diving down some fun side trails and meeting characters.

Now this, my friends, is where I think this book rocks the world: secondary characters who aren't at all secondary, but pivotal. From mysterious wanderers who know more than they should to shamans with life debts and frustratingly vague visions to gay Elves who are gifted songs by magic, speak in musical whistles, and who flow through the world with ageless grace and a bit of racist politics.

No one is perfect in Illbeor, but no one is truly evil.

Okay. Except maybe him. Altonier. One of the more compelling 'mysterious villains' I've read in awhile (and I read a lot, y'all). You want your sexy anime villain tropes? Got 'em. Want a tragic backstory? Got it! Want twisted manipulations, gaslighting, underhanded scheming, and a completely unreliable villain POV? Check.

Altonier is the best kind of bad guy to love and the easiest villain to wonder if you shouldn't be rooting for.

Of course, the ending has revealed secrets, higher stakes, and a sequel in the works.

But please. Also. Support your indie writers who craft amazing tales. Support your indie writers who are bringing you stories trad pub won't touch with a ten foot pole.

Because diverse stories matter - we all know that. It's a theme of the fiction and fanfic fanatics of Ye Olde Hellsite. Been here awhile, and we've never stopped talking about. And this?

This is how we get them.

#books #novels #indie writer #fantasy #new adult #awesome things #good book #shilling a good book #not AI art #stock art manipulation #commissioned cover #please read this

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howtonotgocrazy · 6 months

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Love

My little brother is an old soul, as they say. Growing up he was usually drawn to the classics in music and books. The ones that in the early 2000's, no other middle schooler was likely to flock to. I remember him playing Fallout 3 when we were roommates in our twenties, and him not only singing along to all the classic jingles from that game but usually picking mostly the Beatles when he chose the music. Now don't get me wrong, the Beatles are iconic and they are very catchy and recognizable. But he seemed to understand the words, not just hear them. Took me another 10 years to realize what I'm sure was common knowledge for him. That those who come before us, and keep it simple are usually the ones who understand the bigger picture a bit more clearly than we do.

Fast forward 10 years, and I'm having a couple friends help me prepare my house for sale. I like all music, but have a habit of replaying the same CD enjoyably without noticing that everyone else is annoyed with the same 10 songs playing. Plus the guys helping me are also not as into Blink 182 as I am. So I found a middle ground and chose the Beatles as the background music while we worked. I kind of got lost in the music. Notoriously simple melodies and lyrics that are so well known that they almost lose their meaning. But that day the words went straight to my heart and I realized that the Beatles figured out the universe (something I joked about trying to accomplish) long ago and through their music they were trying to tell everyone else too. In a jovial way of course, because that's the only way you can when you find something that is right in front of your face.

For this post though, let's focus on 'All You Need Is Love'. A timeless song that incites a sense of calm for any internal chaos. That tries to take the pressure off the thought of doing it all in life, because everything you can do has already been done. Not that you shouldn't still try, but that your efforts don't need to be considered life or death, when they should just be held as the steady pace towards your goals and aspirations. And the very simple line repeated that all you need is love is the most accurate statement in history.

Love is kind of a tricky thing to nail down. See, we all know that love is something we strive for. We all want to feel loved. Most of us I believe crave to be with someone who loves us as much as we want to love them. I think it's safe to say that most people are hunting for something that they want so badly, it's becomes lost in the simplicity of what it truly is. Love comes in such a wide array of shapes and styles and everyone is so eager to grasp it. But how often do we give it back. Yes, we buy the valentine's card out of obligation for our significant others. Yes we say that we love people and most likely mean it. But I think the importance of what love really is gets lost in the lyrics of us trying to make it commonplace.

Tangent example, I've been trying to encompass the essence of love. Trying to treat people around me with kindness and respect in my daily life. See a beggar in the street and offer them what I can. Walk past a person on the street and say something true and nice to them. Spending time with those I care about and genuinely giving them my full attention so they feel heard and appreciated, regardless of if it's returned. Sad part of this, is that most of the time, people are so lost in their own distractions of day to day life, they sometimes forget to return that love to me. But, (absolutely fit and sexy butt) that's okay. Cause one of the coolest things I've discovered since taking on my goal of getting the world to remember love, is that the more love I throw at people, whether they return it or not, the more love I feel in myself. The better of a human I feel to myself. The more I actively crave the positive brain chemicals that get released each time I show another soul love. It's a truly magical thing. Something about the pool of love that keeps the cup full no matter how much you share it. And it becomes contagious too. Trust me. You let someone Infront of you in traffic, they smile and wave, next thing you see is them letting showing mercy to the next trapped driver trying to merge. You smile at a stranger and then you'll see someone showing kindness to someone else. This could be from contagion or it could just be because when you focus your mind on looking for positivity, it'll think that's the mission and then try to spot it more to help out. Either way, it's everyday magic freely on display for anyone to enjoy.

As always, protect yourself and don't let people use the love you give out as a resource of depleting your mental energy or kind spirit. But know that it's worth the effort to show others compassion and kindness. It's okay to pick up that piece of rubbish someone else left to show mother nature you care. And it is 100% acceptable to feed the hungry birds and squirrels despite what the signs at the park say.

The Beatles figured it out early for us. And they laid it out in the most laymen terms they could for us all. All you need is love. Tell yourself that and keep telling yourself that until you fully grasp what it truly means. Then go and change the world for the better just a little at a time everyday. You got this!

Song for motivation: All You Need Is Love - The Beatles

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rupalichadha · 8 months

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Dr. Rupali Chadha: Your Trusted Lady Doctor's Phone Number :- 8826496888

Dr. Rupali Chadha: Your Trusted Lady Doctor's Phone Number:- 8826496888

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scorbleeo · 9 months

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Book Review: Egotistical Puckboy

Puckboys (Book 1) by Eden Finley and Saxon James

Source: Google Images

EZRA

Partying, dudes, and hockey. What more could a gay NHL player want?

If it weren't for Anton Hayes, my life would be perfect.

Not that he affects my life in any way. At all. That would imply I care what the winger from Philly thinks of me.

Which I don't.

Not even a one-night stand with him can thaw his misplaced animosity toward me.

He says I'm the one with the ego, but he can talk. He rivals me for most egotistical puck boy in the league.

I hate him as much as he hates me. Even if I crave a repeat.

ANTON

When it comes to hockey, I'm all about the game.

I've worked for years to be one of the best in the league, and l've done it without splashing my orientation all over the tabloids.

My hockey image is one I've carefully cultivated, and after one night with Ezra Palaszczuk, I risk it all.

He's cocky, obnoxious, and has an ego bigger than Massachusetts. And okay, maybe he's the sexiest man I've ever known.

We'll never get along. Not when we sleep together. Not even when my possessive streak awakens.

That doesn't stop us from falling into bed together over and over again.

Source: Goodreads (2022)

I Did Not Expect To Enjoy This Book So Much

For the longest time, I refused to pick up this series because one, it's an extremely popular MM romance series over at BookTok. You know, books hyped up by BookTok are very hits or misses, I usually take it with a grain of salt. And two, it's so ice hockey focused, I really did not know how to feel about it because I am not a fan of reading ice hockey romances. I do read them but I do not actively seek them out.

I honestly was not expecting much when I finally decided to read Egotistical Puckboy. Just saying, I am not sure if it was because of my low expectations but I was pleasantly surprised at how mature this book was (for some reason, I expected it to be an immature read). I really liked this book.

Writing style and flow of story play an important role in my enjoyment with books. I would not consider Egotistical Puckboy to be fast-paced but the authors did not drag on unnecessarily. Moreover, the way this book was written, it made reading easy. If it's not obvious yet, this is my first Finley and/or James book but if the writing makes reading their books so easy and fun, I would delve into their bibliography more.

A little more on the writing style, I really liked the balance of romance, sports and smut in this book. Other than that, the sports part, holy hell. I don't know or like ice hockey but the way it was written here, I found myself enjoying reading those bits a lot. It was as if instead of reading about it, I was actually there witnessing the games. Like I said, definitely a fun read.

Moving on to the actual book itself, when it comes to sports romances, the main characters are usually the reason I like or dislike a book. In this case, Anton is quite underwhelming unless we're talking about his jealousy then that's a little more entertaining. The MVP here is Ezra. I don't think I have ever adored a more sunshine-y character with Golden Retriever energy as much as I adored Ezra. The way Anton fell for Ezra was also the way I grew an adoration for that character.

The next time I pick up a book with a following over on BookTok, I will try to go in with as little expectation as possible. Every time I read a hyped book with any sort of expectations, majority of the time, I end up getting disappointed. Then I go into books with no expectation like this, I end up having a good time with it.

Case in point? This book.

Rating: ★★★★☆

#book review #egotistical puckboy #puckboys #eden finley #saxon james #ezra palaszczuk #anton hayes

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finchfeelsdump · 1 year

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It's been a good while since I've written about failed relationships.

Last month, I started going out with a girl I've known since highschool. She always had a boyfriend so I had never approached her in the romantic plan, but we started talking through social media as friends, sharing memes and whatnot. We had really great chemistry and eventually we went out on a date.

She was always busy, though. Rarely did she have the time or opportunity to go out, so I took my chance. The date was pretty simple, and conversation flowed smoothly. Nothing sexual happened, or to that extent, even romantic. I went to see her again later in the week. Same situation, but honestly I was already too deep in my delusions of love.

We went out for a third time. I made the bold first move to... Hold her hand, dirty as I am. But again, nothing much went from there. I didn't mind at all, though. This slow rhythm was a pleasant change of pace. But I should have known that it was her setting the rhythm so slow one couldn't even dance to it.

She was planning a trip before spring break, and she was neck deep in work. I went to her house by surprise before the weekend so I could help her out with work and I also brought her food. I was not planning on it being a date, I truly wanted to support her... But she wasn't home. I called her and didn't answer. I received a text saying she was at a girl friend's house doing work and talked no more. To be honest, I was sad, not only because I missed my chance to see her before the trip, but because I knew deep in my gut she was hiding something from me.

From that day and all through the weekend, I received no texts from her. Any intent from my part would result in me waiting over a day for the most dry ass message.

Fast forward to the next Tuesday (yesterday), where I swallow my pride and ask how she's doing. Later, I receive the usual text of being ridiculously busy. I try to waste no time and confess that I'm really like her for a serious relationship but I see no true interest by her side to establish that. Then, she confesses she doesn't feel ready because one year ago she ended a nine-year relationship... And now it all connects. She still maintains contact with that ex and his family, and just kept repeating the phase that she's not ready.

She just won't let go of him. But I say I will support her and give it my all if she also plays her part. Meanwhile, I go ahead and ask a friend of her, the one she was allegedly with when I brought her food, if she's really interest in me or hasn't mentioned me at all and it's just playing with me. I felt immature, as if I was back in middle school. I had met this friend the second time we went out, so I talked to her normally. But that all was a big mistake from my part. She tells me she has not seen her since that first time we met... And I knew the girl I was dating was lying to me. That, or her friend lied to me about not seeing her, for some reason, but honestly that's not as probable because she's not the one who is extending indefinitely a commitment because she's not over her last one and still longs for her ex.

I don't blame her. I still long for my ex from three years ago and we didn't even make it to our one year anniversary. But I felt so angry that she had lied to me. Again, someone playing with me and my feelings because they cannot commit over their past traumas.

Maybe it all could've worked out, with enough time, but that part where I asked her friend about us made her upset, saying I'm toxic and it reminded her of another one of her exes, the one she doesn't miss. I agree, though. That was toxic of me, but I didn't care anymore because I was ready to let her go. I don't want to be anyone's fifth choice, don't want to be waiting forever for a person who loves somebody else, and I definitely don't want to be with a liar. And even if, by chance, it was all a misunderstanding and she was not lying, she still grasped strongly to the memory of her ex, and I could never compete with that. I'm sad because, as always I jump head first into this pool of illusions when there are no signs or guarantees that it is reciprocal, and I have to work on that. Plus she gave me barely any attention at all, letting me know she didn't care about me; but I'm glad that I'm realizing that my mind, body and sould are all tired of begging people to love me, because that will never be love.

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